Triforce! - Triforce! #287: Portage Survivors
Episode Date: May 16, 2024Triforce! Episode 287! The guys have been travelling this week! Flax in Birmingham, Sips in France and Lewis in a tent in who knows where. Also, we're beginning the war on chips inside this very podca...st! This podcast has been enhanced with Shure Microphones! Podcast quality mics with zero fuss, check out either the SM7dB or the MV7+ here: https://tag.gs/Triforce_SM7dB https://tag.gs/Triforce_MV7Plus Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hick Axe
Hello everyone and welcome back to the Triforce podcast.
Oh my god, we made it.
We've all been a bit busy, period's been away.
I was away for a week, and meeting fans of the Yogscast and of the podcast in Birmingham.
I was four days or something of groups where we were just behind closed doors, and then
three days in the Resorts World Arena.
I think around 200, maybe even 250 people came up for a picture
and told me they had tiny penises.
Nice!
Wow, holy crap.
There's a lot of phallically challenged individuals out there.
I heard only good things about the...
What about you, actually?
Y'know, a few people came up to me and said, they saw you on stage, they thought you were
really good, they knew you were a professional, but seeing you live.
They said...
Yeah, it was just daft.
Just, just drunk daft.
No, he said you were good.
Brian, Brian, Brian Alex were there, they really enjoyed it.
So you've got a bit of the confluence.
I have.
But you know what was funny is, apparently, quite a few...
There were a lot of Yogs fans there in general, but they were like, "'Lose the Sips Go!'
And I was like, "'No.'
A couple of people asked, they don't play Dota anymore, guys.'
And they were like, "'Oh yeah.'"
And Joe said that people would run up to him and go, "'Joe!
Joe!'
And he'd go, "'Yes!'
And they'd say, "'Where's Dab?'
Like, they just...
They wanted to...
Dab is like their champion.
You know what I mean?
He's like, he's them.'
So they can relate much more... Dab is like their champion, you know what I mean? He's like, he's them.
So they can relate much more to Dab.
They wanted a picture with the boy Dab.
He's one of them.
He was on the stream chugging a beer, made me very proud.
The camera, during the draft, which as you guys know is like when you choose your heroes,
that takes like twenty, twenty-five minutes.
It's a long old time.
And so, rather than just have shots of the players looking pensive, they'd pan around
the crowd.
And every time it came to someone with a beer, the audience would go, chug chug chug, and
they would have to down their pint.
And at one point, a bunch of my... the goons on my Discord, and Dav, they were all sort
of sat in a section, they arranged this thing where there would be two lines of them going
up the stairs.
A boat race is what it's called. Yeah, a boat race. And the camera had to pan up. When it got to Dav, he just went, blam!
He just downed it. And it was very impressive. He carried that relay. Very impressive.
So yeah, it's basically two lines of guys, all co-hosting pints. And I think there's
some girls in there too. And they have to go down which line can drink all of their
pints first. It's crazy.
And the other thing, Daft told me about this was that some of the people, there was this
one guy, one of his friends, had just bought like a two-pinter, right?
It's like a two-pinter.
It's 17 quid, right?
Just sat down.
Yeah, but it is a double.
It's a double.
And then the camera panned to him, right?
And therefore it was like, chuck, chuck, chuck.
And he was like, oh no. I've just sat down with his two vines, I have to drink it now. So begrudgingly,
he would start chucking this vine. Yeah. And the camera would stay on them until they
either gave up and got a big boo or downed it. And the funny thing is, everyone was like, man,
the UK crowds are the best. And I agree with that. But if you are not from the UK or not a drinker, I can imagine you thinking, god, UK crowds are the worst. This is disgraceful
behaviour.
Honestly, it's not a healthy thing. Honestly.
It's so funny. So, the best part for me-
They need to sell non-alcoholic beer, I'm sure they do.
They do. They do. My favourite thing was, there's a... For anyone that doesn't play
Dota, I'll be very brief. There are these neutral creeps on the map.
They're like little sort of neutral units that sit around.
And because they're just standing around
waiting for something to happen,
they have like idle animations.
And one of them is called the Cobalt Taskmaster.
And he has a goblet and he drinks from the goblet.
So the camera guy for the in-game found that,
that idle animation and isolated it as a picture in picture
on the broadcast.
So the team are playing, and in the corner we've got a picture of this kobold with a
goblet. And the crowd, whenever he came the crowd. So, people, the production begins to
react to things that the crowd are enjoying. So, the sponsors, for example. One of the sponsors was
DHL, another one of the sponsors was the US Air Force, oddly enough. And when they announced
the sponsors at the start of the day, DHL always gets a big cheer, because...
Is that for the shipping?
The shipping company.
But it's terrible.
SEAN It doesn't matter, because they were at the first Birmingham Major, in like 2018
or whatever, and they gave out so much stuff to people that they kind of became a crowd
favourite.
ALICE Well, they're giving out other people's packages?
What's going on?
SEAN No!
Just presents and shit, just like goodies.
But they were very, like, they gave out so much stuff, everybody really liked DHL.
And Surax and Slax is like the DHL man.
So they've got, in terms of their sort of, the love that they have in the UK crowd, for
whatever reason, is huge.
They get a huge cheer.
When they announce the US Air Force, massive boos throughout the arena.
It was kind of funny. Wow.
Yeah. It was just one of those things.
That's really good. Oh, by the way, might as well say, although you're sounding worse today,
you're sounding better.
Right.
Because Shaw have sent you a new microphone at long last.
I bumped into a lad from Shaw at the event and he said,
hi, I work for Shaw Microphones. I said, oh cool. And he said, I've actually just sent you some stuff. I was like, oh, thank you so much. So I'm
using it now. I really like it. It's really pretty. And I don't know, for whatever reason,
it doesn't even need a pop filter. I don't know. It's very clever. But yeah, this is,
it's a good mic. So if I sound different, it's that.
It's a mic that, it's a classic one as well, because Sparkles used to have one back in
the day. So Sparkles was our sound engineer at York's back in the day, and he bought himself this fancy shore mic.
And we were all using just crappy like Blue Yetis and stuff. He's our sound engineer,
he's supposed to be hooking us up, and he buys himself a fancy one for the studio.
Classic Sparkles.
That he was using. So, no, hopefully I'll finally get my hands on one.
It's the... I've got the SM7DB, that's the one I'm using.
ALICE Okay, that's the one they sent.
Well, they sent one to you as well, Six.
SEAN No, they sent me two.
They sent me that.
ALICE Alright.
SEAN And they also sent me the MV7 Plus podcast mic.
But I haven't got the mount for that.
So that one's a guess.
ALICE How are you doing a podcast without that one,
right now?
SEAN I know!
I know.
All these years.
ALICE That is meant to be the podcast.
ALICE That's the dedicated one.
The dedicated one.
SEAN But I need a stand for that. ALICE You're meant, that is meant to be the podcast. ALICE That's the dedicated one. RILEY Well there you go. ALICE The dedicated one.
RILEY But I need a stand for that.
It's like a, I think what I'll get is a stand, it's like a, with a bass, because this is
on a boom arm, which is good for streaming, because I need to get to the keyboard and
the mouse, but when I'm doing the podcast I don't mind a mic in front of me, and what
if I do any recording, which I do, so I need to get a stand for that.
But anyway, thank you to Shaw for the mics, but I also want to say, every single person
that came up to chat to me at Birmingham was incredibly sweet and incredibly nice and just
really happy and I'm glad you guys had a great time, you were all lovely, but one of you
gave me a really nasty cold.
So to that individual I say, fuck you.
Thank you.
Wow.
I think it was Daph.
I think it was Daph.
I think it was Daph.
But everyone was so nervous.
Daph was like a viral vexer by the sounds of it.
Do you know what I mean?
Like the rat carrying all the fleas.
Is he sick?
Well, he's sort of permanently kind of slightly like a toddler, you know?
He's got a sort of permanently soggy nose.
Well, I tell you what happened to Daph.
We almost lost him.
He went out on, I think, the Friday, with
a bunch of Joe's lads, and got very drunk, and decided to take one of those electric
bicycles back to his hotel. And, if you look at the Google timeline of that particular
journey home, it looks like a bee attempting to signal to the other bees and it's bound honey. It's the most ridiculous, total absence of
sense and direction route. I mean, if you just said, draw a scribble, that is Dav's
route, set off in the wrong direction for fifteen minutes and then went back, and then
checked his phone and instantly headed off again in another wrong direction, and it was
raining the whole time so he could
barely see, couldn't take his phone out because it was raining and was just hoping he was
heading the right way and finally didn't make it home, exhausted and wet.
It's like the red line on the Indiana Jones movies, but it just goes everywhere.
Constantly heading the wrong way. So yeah, god bless him. We were all worried. And then
on the, I think the Sunday, there was an after party, which I didn't go to because
I'm too old and tired.
He got home from that by bicycle as well.
And Ali, one of our mates was like, yeah, we haven't heard from him since.
Hope he got home.
And of course I heard this the next day, immediately messaged Dab, Dab is fine.
Dab is fine.
Last I heard he made it back.
So God bless him.
Oh yeah.
I did. He looked full of beans, honestly,
after a weekend of partying and drinking.
RILEY Oh, it's great.
It's just great to see the lads, really.
And they got me a card to celebrate my quote-unquote 60th birthday, which was nice of them.
ALICE Nice, well done.
You made it?
RILEY And they got it signed by a bunch of people.
All the goons signed it, and they got Team Liquid to sign it, and some of the talent
to sign it and stuff.
Oh wow.
And one of the Liquid players, Boxxy, signed it.
Good riddance.
Jeez.
It's meant to be my retirement slash birthday party.
I am not retiring.
Several people got confused.
It's what we call a joke.
I realise some of you are quite literal.
It was, I am not retiring, it was a joke.
Can't believe you're retiring.
Well, don't make promises you can't retiring. Why didn't you tell us?
Don't make promises you can't keep.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, guys.
Anyway, how was your guys' week?
Oh, fantastic.
How's the shoulder?
Not as exciting as yours, that's for sure.
How's the shoulder?
Oh, better.
Much better.
It's like, I'd say it's like 98% there.
Every once in a while, it threatens to creep back and I'm like, oh shit, I hope it's not
degrading or whatever, but I think it's just part of the healing.
Fuck, it took so long.
But it's nice to just feel normal again, not just in pain all the time.
So, yeah, good. It's nice to just feel normal again, not just in pain all the time, you know?
So yeah, good.
Is there anything else you did?
Anything interesting happen?
I went to France.
I went to France.
I went to France.
Oh.
I went to France.
Foucault.
Well, we did that tournament thing.
Foucault.
Foucault.
It was alright actually, it was long though.
It was very long.
It was like 14 hours on a Sunday.
So you did a sponsored stream with a load of European... it was like a European challenge.
Yeah, we did a tournament.
For Nvidia?
For Nvidia and Asus. For their desktops and laptops and GPUs. They've got a sale on that
we're doing a sponsorship thing for.
And part of all this was to go and do this tournament where we played against other nations.
We played against Italy, Spain, France, and Germany.
It was a big tournament where we got to pick what games we were gonna play against some
dude.
Who won?
France did.
They were really sweaty though.
They had a pro player, they had a pro...
Was he like a
Warzone player or something?
What the fuck?
He's like some big time Call of Duty player.
And it just so happened that all the games in the tournament, except for Party Animals,
which we insisted on playing every time we played, which is the only game we had any
chance of winning, the other ones were Counter-Strike 2 and Valorant, so it was just sort of gone.
Yeah, I know, the argument was that having Valorant in the lineup was, you might as well
just have Dota 2 in the lineup, you know, you've either played thousands of hours of
it and you can just about play it, or you haven't and you're dead.
Because you can't compete against anybody who's played it.
You know, even a little bit.
Also, dude, any pro gamer, you can drop them into pretty much any game, and they're gonna
be fucking good at it.
Any FPS.
I mean, if it's an FPS pro, yeah.
Like, you're done.
And there was a couple like...
The FPS pros were terrible at Party Animals.
I love that.
They were all so bad at it.
It was amazing. So, every little tournament started with
the team captains doing rock, paper, scissors to see who got to pick the first game. And I won
four out of the five that I did, rock, paper, scissors. So, I just picked party animals first
every time. Because it was the only game we could win. And scissors. So I just picked party animals first every time
because it was the only game we could win and we won every time we played party animals.
You won in like three minutes.
We played third overall out of five, which is, you know, whatever. It's not bad. And there was
only like six points between us and Germany for second place. Like it was, it was really, really close.
So it was fun.
I think they should have done, um, well, it's all, it's so much, so many moving parts, right?
I think they did well putting massive thing together.
Like a 13 hour day of streaming with like 25 different content creators from five different
countries and like the casting teams as well.
It was actually insane.
But I think they probably should have picked Rocket League or something like that as well
in the pool, right?
So there's like...
You and Tom were meant to do it, but you had other...
Because the dates and everything changed around last minute, you guys weren't able to make
it.
But...
We were gonna do it. But we were gonna do it. So Duncan and Ocey took your place, filled in for you.
And it was literally, they had to cast for the full, basically the full 14 hours.
God. And in between there,
there was like maybe 10 minutes here and there of tournament play. So it was just, they had to just
fill air all day long, and the stuff that
they were talking about was amazing.
Hardly any gameplay.
It was just so little talking.
There was a little tiny bit.
They were sat there on camera, they started playing I Spy, Jeremy, it was that.
They were talking about, like, curtains, and, y'know, bottled water versus tap water, and like, they just...
Anything that they could think of to just, you know.
ALICE It's like, drained years of small talk from
their bodies.
ALICE Yeah, absolutely, yeah.
So, uh...
SEAN I mean, the thing is, Duncan and Oze, like, they hang out a fair bit anyway.
So, it's like, I only see Tom when I come down to Bristol, so we have lots to talk about.
But if you see someone quite often, it's like, jeez, I mean, it's like if we had to fill
for 14 hours, we probably could, but we're just gonna go back over all the topic.
We've had, what, eight years of talking?
Or six or whatever it's been?
Fucking hell.
We've gone down as deep as bathpubs and stuff, for Christ's sake.
I know.
That bathtub story, we've probably been told like three or four times. You see if how opinions change. Yeah, yeah. For Christ's sake. I know. Yeah.
That bathtub story would be told like three or four times.
I know.
We record a podcast once a week for an hour.
I mean, we don't do it for 14 hours once a week.
You know what I mean?
Like it's really tough.
Like I would, I would run out of stuff too.
And with just two people as well, you know, like with three people, you can kind of sometimes take
a break if you know, the two are just talking about something or whatever. And then, uh, and
you know, it's fine, but you know, just having one other person, there's a lot more responsibility
on your end to, you know, chip in and think of things to talk about or keep the conversation
flowing. I don't know. I'd struggle for, like I struggle and I can talk, but I mean, 14 hours, man, there's no way. I was not at all envious of there.
Like we just got to play. We'd go up on stage, lose a game of Valorant, win a game of party animals,
15 minutes, done. And then you get like a three hour break, lunch, get to eat some lunch. We went
for a walk and stuff.
Wait, while you guys are on break, they keep talking?
Yeah, they have to keep casting.
That's ridiculous!
God, I'm so glad I was busy.
It was so good. Oh man. It was fun. It was a fun trip though. It was nice to see people.
I haven't seen anyone for so long. It's been about... I mean, I'd seen Ravs because we did...
We went to Cologne in the summer for the Cities Skylines 2 event. And I saw Spiff and a couple of other people,
but other than that I haven't been out to the office in years. I haven't seen Harry
or Gee or, you know, anyone for so long.
Yeah, I know. It's been great.
So it was good.
It was a real flying visit though, you were there for like, I know. It's been crazy. So it was good. It was a real flying visit, though. You were there for like, a day.
Yeah, we got there like Saturday evening, went out for a couple of drinks and had some
dinner.
But the weather I hear was absolutely awful.
It was cold.
It was really cold.
And I mean, we were, you know, we're south of France, so you'd expect it to be a bit
warmer, but it was freezing.
And then we had the big...
Like, Saturday started early, we were the big, like the Saturday started early.
We were up like eight o'clock in the morning.
Had to start, I think the whole event started at about 10, so they had to drive out to like
the studio.
And then we didn't get home until like two in the morning.
And when we got back, we're like, everybody was like, you know, oh, great, you know, the
event's done or whatever.
Let's go for a drink.
And like everywhere's closed.
It's like so late.
It was like 2 a.m. Yeah. It was like, so late. It was like 2am, yeah. It was pretty rough. And then we had to wake up early the next morning
to catch our flights home. So, another full day of travel. I think I traveled more than I was
actually there. So like, two full days of travel, and then just one full day there.
ALICE So, how did you get to France? Did you drive?
Did you fly from...
ALICE No, I walked.
I just walked the whole way.
No, I flew.
But, you know, like, it's...
ALICE Oh, from Jersey?
Or did you, like, ferry to the mainland?
ALICE No, no, no.
I just flew to Gatwick and then Gatwick to Montpellier.
ALICE Oh, right.
Oh, god.
Might have been quicker to...
ALICE More from there.
ALICE Even quicker to walk, honestly.
ALICE You didn't want to...
Didn't want to walk to the main land?
ALICE No, no, no.
I just flew to the main land.
ALICE Oh, right.
Oh, god. Might have been quicker to... Monpellier?
Even quicker to walk, honestly.
Monpellier?
You didn't want a TGV?
Grande Vitesse?
I think it would have taken forever, honestly.
Le TGV au Montpellier?
Ce n'est pas possible!
Let me just look it up actually, let's see, TGV from Saint-Malo to Montpellier. How long does this take?
Yeah, I guess you probably have to go to Paris or something to change.
It's a seven hour journey.
Drunk that!
With one change. That's the fastest one. You go from Saint-Malo to Montparnasse, and then
you have to change over to Gare de Lyon, and then you have to go to and then from Gare de Lyon, you go to Montpellier, Sud de France.
And then they go south of France. Lovely. Yeah.
Ordinarily lovely. Might have actually been quicker to do it this way, actually.
That shit weather you had there did come over to the UK this weekend,
because everyone went larking. A lot of people did. Everyone went larkingPing. A lot of people did.
Right. Everyone went LARPing.
Yes, a lot of people. I know Duncan went with, I was his partner.
Yeah, I met him actually. I met him at the airport. He was there to pick up...
He's a very good lad.
Yeah, he seems like a really nice guy.
Also, Smithy brought his entire, Smithy's got an entire Al Smithy.
I met that guy before too.
He has like a house in LARP and so he's kind of like the leader of this faction.
Yeah, of course he is.
And there's like 30 of them and they all go as a big group.
I think it's normally great, but Smithy said to me, he's been doing this for 10 years and
it's just like the second worst weather they've ever had. It was proper Glastonbury mud and cold, really cold at night. And I
was out camping as well at the weekend. For the first time, honestly, I think it's the
first time I've gone camping in 20 years. Or more, probably.
What kind of camping are we talking here? Like, did you have to pitch a tent?
Yes.
And sleep on the ground?
So basically, I went to see...
Did you stay in a yurt?
I went to... well no, it's not a yurt. It was like a bell tent. So it's like a kind
of fabric tent.
Fabric tent.
Sort of semi-permanent tent. Like a ground sheet. And it's full of bugs, of course. You
know. It's like, at least when you take your own tent,
you know, it's not going to be full of bugs.
You don't want to go for a caravan.
The other thing is, when you've got your own small tent, it kind of... Because the smaller
it is, right, the quicker it'll get warm in there. Or at least your body temperature and
your breath will warm up to the point where it, not fucking freezing. But this tent, like, it was just, it basically felt like I was sleeping in the open. And, you know, my, my breath
is like misting as I'm trying to sleep. You know, that's how cold it is.
You had a sleeping bag though, right?
No, it was like, they provided like a sort of, a sort of mattress and a like cover. So
I didn't have a proper sleeping bag either.
Shit. Were you squatting or camping?
Well, it's like, it was just sort of a, I think everyone was expecting it to be a little bit
warmer than it was. But I had like a hot water bottle and like a little camping stove and stuff.
You like an old granny or something? Is it one of those fucking metal ones? It's a good tip! It's a good tip for anyone going camping in hot water bottles, it's a great idea.
Fucking hell.
Why didn't you just bring it?
You would not have needed any of this stuff had you just brought a proper sleeping bag.
You get in there, you put your hands under your armpits, you breathe into the sleeping
bag, you warm up in like two seconds.
Well, this is what I was...
The next time I've learned this, you know, God, it's been a long time.
I didn't have like, basic shit like a mug.
Fucking hell, man.
You call yourself a camper?
Fucking idiots!
You've never survived a portage!
I was so unprepared for this.
That's a fucking callback right there, baby.
If you think about this podcast as an incredible, incredible podcast, I think it's a great podcast.
I think it's a great podcast.
I think it's a great podcast.
I think it's a great podcast.
I think it's a great podcast.
I think it's a great podcast.
I think it's a great podcast. I think it's a great podcast. I think it's a great podcast. I think it's a great podcast. I think it'spared for this. That's a fucking callback right there, baby.
If you think about this podcast as an incredibly long standup set, we do callbacks to hour
one when now and hour three hundred.
You think it's a water portage out there?
You'd be fucking dead in five minutes.
Fuck you.
Holy crap.
So I went to see, there's this thing you can do, which is called Singing With The Nightingales.
So, Nightingales are like one of these only...
How do you spend your free time?
What is happening?
Man, just have some fucking kids already.
Have some fucking kids and fucking be a normal person.
Stop doing all this shit to yourself.
A friend invited me to this event and I wanted to try it out, you know.
So basically, Nightingale's one of the only nocturnal birds, right?
Apart from owls.
There's loads of nocturnal birds, I'm sure.
I see them out on a Saturday night.
Very good.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, shiny birds, aren't they?
They're only coming out at night, these ones.
Such a beautiful song, you listen to them.
Oh, I can't lie, I'm gonna sit over there and cry! Such a beautiful song. You listen to it.
Caroline. Sorry. So, um, they have a beautiful song, very melodic.
They, one of them stayed really loud as well.
One of them sounds like about 20 other birds going at it.
of them sounds like about twenty other birds going at it. And so, they're dying out.
It's very sad.
Nine years.
Yes, they used to be all over the UK, but they're now only in a smaller area.
You could say that about pretty much all our wildlife, but birds in particular.
I would suggest one reason is, there's so many fucking cats around, and they go out
at night, because people tend to let their cats go out at night, and these poor little
birds are PEEP PEEP PEEP PEEP PEEP PEEP, and suddenly a cat comes out of fucking nowhere
and eats them.
Cats kill about a billion birds a year.
Well, I've always hated cats, and I've never really shied away from it either, and now
I hate them even more.
I'm not a fan.
I'm not a fan.
Well, it's...
These nine girls are pretty good at hiding, Nate, but the thing is, their habitat is very
specific.
They hide in these very strange, scrubby trees, and also they have a migration pattern that
takes them down to sub-Saharan
Africa and a lot of them get eaten and shot along the way. So yeah, it's quite, there's
a lot of things going against them really, it's not just the cats. But I think, yeah,
all of British wildlife has been struggling for a while and will do as habitats get shifted.
So you went camping to see and hear the nightingales, maybe for the last time.
Because who knows, maybe next time you try to organise a nightingale weekend, there might
not be any left.
Yes.
So it was a lot of that.
It was a little bit of sadness at something that we used to have in the UK in a major
way.
Certainly we all heard of Nightingale
as a word, right? And as Florence Nightingale. And it's quite a symbol in Wales as well and
other places where in fact they aren't even there anymore. So yeah, it's quite, I don't
know, it was nice. And then we had a trip around the South Coast. I went to, we drove
back, I couldn't be arsed to drive on the M25 and M4, so drove trip around the South Coast, I went to... we drove back, I couldn't be arsed
to drive on the M25 and M4, so drove back along the South Coast and stopped in at some
little sleepy Dorset villages and stuff.
We stopped at...
Where like?
Stopped in at Bosom.
Bosom, nice.
Are you making that up?
Which is like a little estuary... Bosom?
It's a little estuary village.
In Dorset?
I just got an Airbnb there. And it's on the coast,
right? But it's got this public car park, which is quite famous.
Right, no, no, no. Where on the coast?
On the south coast of England.
Yes, what is it near? Look, I'm from Dorset, I know it well.
Do you know the famous car park of Dorset?
No, it's in West Sussex, so it's not quite in Dorset.
So it's not Dorset. It's not even close to Dorset. Dad, in West Sussex, so it's not quite in Dorset.
So it's not Dorset.
It's not even close to Dorset.
You fucked up, didn't you?
There's a whole fucking county in between.
What are you talking about?
Of all the places you could have lied about that you went to in England this weekend,
you had to pick the place that Flax is from.
Osham isn't near fucking Chichester, mate.
It's the other side of bloody Portsmouth, you're calling it.
We're done.
We're done.
I went along the whole coast, right? I got, I didn't, I, that's, I, that was just one example
of a place I stopped, but I wanted to bring up because they've got this car park that you park
in. It's probably a car park. You guys could have gone to like Wookie hole or Cheddar gorge or,
you know, fucking Stonehenge or something. But like, none of that is in Dorset. No,
but I mean, it's all places that are kind of close to Dorset, maybe?
I went to some lovely places, actually.
Is this the pay and display public car park in Boscham, near the Boscham Walk Arts and
Craft Centre, Solomon's Estate Agent and Poppin and the Hammond Gallery?
Let's get a look at this fucking car park.
Sure.
What's the capacity in that bad boy?
Well, it probably looks like a hundred.
There's boats parked there, Lewis, as well?
Jeez, does it have big bus berths in there, too?
No, it's just a car park.
They call it locally the Bosom car wash.
So it's Bosom, not Bosham.
They call it Bosom.
It's Bosom, apparently.
And also, during high tide, or just, I not, which isn't even, or middle tide,
the whole car park floods and a lot of tourists come back to their car and find out it's underwater.
And they all love it. They film it. They put it on YouTube.
They love it. Look at that, dear. Tires are very nice clean, aren't they? Kids won't be
cleaning their car this weekend, will they?
This is exactly it.
You've got it perfectly.
That's all the same shit people always say.
Oh man.
Well, it's got a bird poo off it anyway now.
Oh fuck.
This is why I don't leave my garage.
Because of people like that. Because of water. And garage. Because of people like that.
Because of water.
And water.
Because of people like that.
Or because of small talks.
Because of people like that.
It's because of terrible little dad jokes.
Yeah, I don't like them.
But you're supposed to be the ones making them.
Well, yeah, I know, but I make them in the comfort of my own garage.
I don't have to go out and subject other people to it.
So honestly, on this Nightingale walk, I was constantly making dad jokes, and everyone
loved them.
It was like a laugh ride.
ALICE Yeah, okay, the thing is, when I'm making dad jokes, that's how I feel too, but the
reality is, I don't think anybody was liking those.
LIAM Yeah, it's because you're making them to young people.
If you make them to other old people, they're like, age fucking killing here,
this lad should be on stage. Unbelievable.
That's exactly what it was, honestly.
I haven't laughed so much since I saw Jethro on stage. Oh my goodness.
What was it? What was it I said? So they fed us, right? And they were like, oh, you know,
we need to keep you fed. And I was like, yeah, don't want to eat in any of the nightingales if we get hungry.
And the woman was, she almost died.
She thought it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard.
And it was just, for me, I wasn't even trying to make a joke.
So I sound, it really upped my ego there.
That was a great boost.
Nice.
So were you just like on fucking like, like
flying high on cloud nine the whole weekend after that big boost?
Well, okay. So I obviously don't, there's a reason I haven't been camping and I sort
of forgot because I'm fucking a poorly little, little city piss bubble boy.
Yeah. You got a lot of allergies. And so I can't, so as soon as I got into that fucking tent, I was like, oh, I'm feeling
like a comp freak.
I'm allergic to fabric.
I'm allergic to tents.
You're like, Jack Lemmon and the Odd Couple is who I think you remind me of.
You know, where he's constantly talking about his allergies and his asthma and his sinuses.
That scene where he goes, SNARE!
SNARE!
SNARE! SNARE! SNARE! SNARE! You know that one?
Yes. Great scene.
Uh, look it up. Um, so yeah, I, I can't, I was like, I got, as soon as I got in there,
I was like, oh, this is why I don't stay in these tents, because I'm allergic to the moldy
fabric or whatever. Damp, damp fabric. I'm allergic to tent pegs and guy lines.
Guy lines make havoc with my sinuses,
actually.
So I was wheezy immediately.
Oh, I'm wheezy. Darling, I'm wheezy.
I'm terribly wheezy. And I can't bring... I can't... I can't... I've got my, like,
inhangers or anything with me, because I don't need them these days. So infrequently encounter...
I haven't needed them since I left the tent life behind me. I only need them when I'm tenting.
Fucking city prick.
So I had a horrible time, really.
I'm with you, I fucking hate camping as well.
Struggling to breathe, being freezing cold, trudging around covered in mud, like, eating
sort of baked beans with my fingers type situation, it was bad.
You guys would survive five fucking seconds on a portage.
Like you would.
I'm fucking dead.
Hey, I've done a couple portages, okay?
When?
I'm still here.
Thirty years ago?
Granted, yes.
But...
Yes!
I still did it, and completed it, and I'm here to tell the tale.
You guys wouldn't.
You'd be dead.
I would kill myself.
Yeah, exactly.
RILEY On portage. Two minutes in, listening to Lewis complain about the fucking tent poles
and everything.
ALICE Are these tents made of nylon?
RILEY Oh no!
ALICE It's started itching his neck.
RILEY It's started itching his neck.
ALICE The ball-ears!
RILEY Oh my god, I think there's like, for in these
leggings, I'll make you, alright. Is that a mushroom?!
ALICE God, I am like that.
Honestly, I'm like that with food as well, because I can't bloody eat anything.
I am just like this hopeless... it's such a pain.
You can enjoy a nut roast.
You can enjoy a baked pinecone.
Or a nut roast.
I don't think anyone enjoys either of those things.
No, but I mean, when you're desperate.
He couldn't endure.
You need to...
You're a death's doorstep.
I can't suck on a pinecone.
No.
I did go to, um, I went to King Lee Vale, which is a nice place, um, a nice sort of
place in South Downs, which...
Now, where did you go in Dorset?
Because you said you went to Dorset.
I think I just spoke...
Well, we sort of, it's on the edge of the New Forest, isn't it? And
we had like a walk there.
So you went to New Forest, which is Hampshire. But yeah.
Oh, does that not count?
No, I don't think any of the New Forest is in Dorset. I'm happy to be corrected on that,
but I'm pretty sure that the New Forest is in Hampshire. Let me just check that.
Well in that case, I didn't...
There might be a tiny bit of it. There might be a tiny bit of it.
I think I might have skirted Dorset then on the way back.
Dorset County, boundaries map.
Probably for good reason, do you know what I mean?
So yeah, it's Hampshire and Wiltshire.
Yeah, Dorset, so you got Beeminster, you got Bridport, you got Lyme Regis in the west,
Dorchester obviously right in the centre, and it looks like it just about covers Sherborne,
Shaftesbury, Gillingham, Blomford Forum...
Oh, you mispronounced that, sir....S1-ed, Shaftesbury, Gillingham, Blackford Forum, S-1Aid, Shaftesbury,
Weymouth and Port Tuneswell and Christchurch, of course, Bournemouth.
Oh, Bournemouth, cool!
If you go to Dorset and you go along what they call the heritage coast, Dorset along
the coast is genuinely some of the most beautiful countryside I've ever seen
anywhere.
I love it.
ALICE Yeah, were you in Yeovil or Krukern at all,
while you were there?
Because that's Somerset.
I'm Lewis.
Okay.
Just checking.
JUSTIN Yeovil's kind of boring.
It's inland, it's a very dull little town, to be honest.
But if you go along the coast in Dorset, it's stunning.
Lullworth and Cambridge.
I'll do it this summer then, how about that?
Swanage and Muddiford and Winn-Canton.
Shepton Mallet?
We are going on holiday, but I would happily, happily go to Dorset for a week.
I'd love it.
Which part of Dorset would you stay in?
I've only stayed in Poole, in Dorset.
Poole is okay, it's got some nice parts.
The problem with Bournemouth and Poole and Chryshut, the conurbation of Bournemouth,
Poole and Chryshut is that if it's not on the coast, it's generally not worth seeing.
The inland parts of Bournemouth and Poole and Chryshut are just totally without charm
and completely dull.
Because it's not an old part of England.
It's more modern housing, but not from the good era of modern housing,
from the whenever that was like the boring 50s, 60s, slap them down kind of housing.
And I mean, I love Bournemouth.
I grew up there. I have a lot of fondness for it, but a lot of it is entirely forgettable.
But once you leave that area, which is the biggest thing in Dorset, is Bournemouth.
The rest of Dorset is totally unspoiled and beautiful. And if you go, I mean, Dorchester is small but very
pretty. Weymouth is kind of shitty, but it's fun and quite sort of cheap and old coastal
town like a throwback. But if you go to places like Lyme Regis and I mean, Kimmeridge is,
if you go there, if you like fossils,
Kimmeridge Bay is stunning. And really very Jurassic-y kind of coast, which is that whole
coastline going west from there, the Jurassic coast. And you'll just see some amazing things.
But inland, beautiful. Shaftsbury's very pretty around there, Bionford very pretty around there.
It's a wonderful county, unspoiled. Really, genuinely unspoiled.
I'll check it out. Thank you for the recommendation.
Nice.
So I didn check it out. Thank you for the recommendation.
So I didn't go there.
No.
But the New Forest is stunning.
And if you go to the New Forest, early, around Burleigh in the New Forest, which is a town,
a little village, really bang in the middle of the New Forest, you're surrounded by it,
it's stunning.
Beautiful walks.
New Forest is gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.
Yeah, big fan.
Well there's a lot of these little national parks that we sort of have in the UK that
are worth checking out. New Forest is one of the more recent ones, I guess.
Do you know what I want to do? I haven't done this... I've never been to the Lake District.
I really want to go to the Lake District. Mrs F really wants to go to the Lake District.
I did the Peak District a long time ago when I was a kid. Loved it. But I've never been
to the Lake District. That's where I want to go next, Lake District.
I hear the thing to do with that is to go, because a lot of people just go to like these
places in the middle of the Lake District, like Windermere or whatever, but you should
go onto the other side of it, like the coastal side.
You're thinking of places like Lily Hall, Egremontan, Cletamore, or dare I say it, Cockermouth.
Yes, apparently that's the place to go.
Okay. We shall go.
That's what I heard anyway.
Windermere.
I'm sure people will write in. Please write in with nice places in the UK to go.
Yeah. And the Isle of Man, I've been recommended the Isle of Man multiple times.
Oh really?
Yeah, apparently it's really good for a sort of family holiday. Very chill, I've been told. But yeah. I mean, honestly, the UK, I know we give ourselves a lot of stick. It is a
really beautiful country. Like any country, when you go there and you see the good parts of it,
you think, gosh, isn't this amazing? We're so blessed. What a planet.
So blessed.
What a blessing.
So blessed. No, you're right. There's loads of good stuff. Especially when it's sunny in the UK.
It's not great when it's like now, but...
That's the problem.
The weather.
It's really lucky to...
It's really nice.
There's lots of places to actually go when it is nice.
Yeah.
I mean, I've been to Denmark.
I went to parts of Denmark, which is obviously the Internationalist in Denmark this year.
I've been to Denmark, went on a holiday on the East Coast, sort of north of Odense, and
it's beautiful.
Hasmarque Strand around there, any Danes?
Odensefjord?
And it's stunning.
Like Denmark is, like a lot of places, you kind of think of it as being one thing.
You have one idea and it's like Copenhagen.
But when you go to see the other parts of a country, the quieter parts, the countryside, you almost feel like you're actually seeing the country
without tourists. Because you're like, if you go to France, people think of Paris. Paris
is the worst part of France. Hands down. All the rest of it is gorgeous. Paris is dreadful
to go to. When was the last time you were there? Uh, when was the last time I was in Paris?
Ummm...
Well, that says it all.
It is so bad.
Has it drastically changed in the past five or six years?
Oh right, okay.
Well, it's such a sprawling place though.
I guess it's like a fucking wasteland now since I last went, is that what you're trying
to say to me?
No, but what I'm saying is, it's such a... like, central Paris is so touristy, it's unbelievable.
And along with that tourism you get people trying to sell you shit, people trying to
scam you, it's unbelievably crowded, not like Paris.
I mean, obviously I live in London so I am biased, but when I went to Paris, and you
compare that to London, it's night and day.
It's not great in London.
No, and it depends where you go in London as well. If you're near all the really big
tourist attractions, then it sucks. But if you're living in a nice, quiet-ish neighborhood
away from all that, then it's fine.
But that's not really what you're seeing when you visit somewhere on holiday, is it? You're
not going to say, we're going to go to Paris, we're going gonna go to a really quiet suburb where it's really nice, and not do
anything. You're gonna go and see the big things. I mean, ask anyone. Anyway, go ahead and write in
and tell me your positive experiences in Paris, or your negative experiences in Paris. And all the
French people I know that don't live in Paris hate Paris, but you could say the same thing about
English people that don't live in London hate London. I will say, obviously, I've been to Paris
a few times, I've had fun there when I've
been there, but it's not the best of France.
To me it's so sold out and commercialized that when you see the rest of it, that's real
France.
I don't think that Paris is so touristy now, it's ridiculous.
ALICE Yeah.
I mean, it's like going to New York and comparing that to the rest of America.
It's completely different, right?
It's, it's a huge, huge city.
Same with like Tokyo as well.
You go to Tokyo, you feel like you've been to Japan, but you haven't really been to Japan
as such, you know, like you got to get out there.
You got to go-
But is it as touristy in Tokyo?
Yeah.
There's parts of it.
Is it as bad as Paris?
Really?
I don't know.
It just depends where you go again. Like it's, you know, if you, if you, if you venture off the sort of like tourist track, it's, it's not as bad, but it's, it's a bit more difficult too, because you're, you're less catered for there.
But, um, but yeah, I'm sure there's parts of it.
I mean, I didn't experience it as bad as, you know, if I've been to London or Paris or whatever, but, um, yeah, there's definitely some areas that are, are very touristy and filled with tourists, you know, if I've been to London or Paris or whatever, but yeah, there's definitely
some areas that are very touristy and filled with tourists, you know?
And then you're just gonna have all the stuff that comes with that as well, you know?
Get all the people that try to scam tourists or convince them to go on tours and this and
that and the other, like, all the usual trappings of touristy attractions and stuff.
But yeah, I mean, I know what you mean about Paris.
Paris is probably the only place I've been to where I got mugged, but not quite mugged.
I had to pay 20 euros to a guy for a friendship bracelet, because I thought he was gonna break
my arm if I didn't.
ALICE Oh my god!
ALICE But yeah, he was being all nice, though, you know?
And he was also holding my wife's wrist, and we were like, oh yeah, yeah, sure, here you
go, yeah, nice, thanks for the friendship bracelet!
Jesus!
Yeah.
So, I mean, there is that, I guess.
That's never happened to me in London.
Or New York, or any of the other big cities I've been to, so.
Maybe you're right. Maybe
you're right. Maybe Paris is a shithole.
I just think there's lots of better places. Like, all the best places are unknown to the
tourist, right? And that's, you're always, everyone's... But then again, it goes in a
cycle, right? It's like someone finds some hidden beautiful place, posts about it on
TikTok and then it's rammed full of people.
Well, 30 years ago I found that place when
I did a portage out to a lonely little island in the middle of the lake. There was nobody
there, there was just a hole in the ground to shit in, and I licked a piss in.
ALICE You're really selling it.
ALICE Wow. So you say there's not a Starbucks there?
ALICE No, none.
ALICE Well, I'm not interested in it.
ALICE Nowhere near. Nowhere near.
ALICE That's a shame.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
When I go on vacation, that's the first thing I look for.
Like, fuck, where's the Starbucks?
Talking about going on vacations, there's one news story I saw this week that was quite
funny.
There's this 101 year old woman, right?
Her name is Patricia, right? Her name is Patricia, right? And she keeps getting mistaken on a flight
because she books her... Because when you have to book the flight, you do the drop down. And the
only drop down, you can't put 1922 on the drop down. You can't put 22 on the drop down. So,
they keep thinking she's a one year old babyold baby instead of a 101-year-old
woman. Now, she's saying this is causing a lot of problems, but I think it's a similar situation.
Do you know what I mean? If you're turning up expecting a one-year-old baby, that's the same as
you have to take care and make sure it gets on the flight early. It's the same thing with the 101 year old woman. So I don't know why she said it's
causing so much trouble for her, but yes, it's very annoying.
I suppose one of the reasons is that they're expecting a baby and an old lady turns up
and they're just like, maybe you're not meant to be on this plane. Maybe that causes an
issue. But they also, when you have a little baby, when you take a very small baby on a plane,
they give you, it's called like a sky cop or sky crib or something like that.
And it's like a thing that you can attach to the seat to put the baby in.
Because you can't just fucking hold them if it's a long flight, you need something
to rest them into sleep. So you can sort of attach this thing and they need a special
seatbelt and all this kind of stuff. So it's like, it's quite a production taking a baby on a flight.
It's not easy.
So you turn up as an old lady, obviously they need different things.
They need some Werther's Originals on standby.
A flyer with prune juice and tea in it.
Copy of Scrabble, repeats of Countdown, that kind of stuff.
So you need to prepare differently.
A deck of cards.
Exactly.
I see.
It's an entirely different solution for their dentures.
Although I think also they probably eat the same mushy food. So they could just...
Well, it's all terrible mushy plain food anyway.
Worry about that.
What is the problem with plain food by the way?
What's the deal?
I realise that. What's the deal with plain food?
It's a classic meme. But why can't they make good food on a plane?
Well I think it's because the air pressure makes things taste different. And so they
have to put a lot of salt on or something like that.
I don't think that's true.
So things do taste different in lower air pressure.
Let me just say, I've flown business a few times and when you do, they cook the food
fresh. Like if you have a steak or something like that, you can see them cooking it. Like
they will cook you a steak and it tastes like steak to me.
And the difference is the airplane food is microwaved or something.
I don't know how they eat it.
Probably a microwave, something like that.
Or some oven.
Yeah, they just nuke it.
Yeah.
And it tastes like shit.
I don't know what they're doing.
I think that would be a thing that if an airline figured out a way to make decent food.
I mean, I'm not being funny, but obviously when I do those MRE streams where I get military rations and we cook them, you can reheat those
real easy and they taste fine. I can't believe that it's beyond airlines to actually supply
decent food. It must be possible. We put a man on the moon and we can't serve edible food on an
airplane. What's up with it? No one's looked into it.
You can get like a pack of peanuts and a drink and a sandwich and it's not so bad.
It's like the cooked stuff.
Yeah.
The berries.
What is it?
I've had some alright, like, pasta and stuff.
Usually the veggie options are pretty nice on...
I normally go veggie on a plane.
I don't trust the meat.
If I need to take over piloting the plane, I can't be sick.
You know what I mean?
Like, I've done my time in flight simulators.
I'm basically a pilot at this point.
Of course.
If you had to take over, you'd be able to follow the instructions, but you wouldn't
want to have diarrhea while you're doing it.
Exactly.
From a bad batch of chicken or fish, which is all they ever seem to give you on a plane.
I mean, not that I've ever had it, but the meat option always seems to be chicken or
fish. Would you like be chicken or fish.
Yeah.
Would you like the chicken or would you like the fish?
But yeah, the veggie option's usually pretty good.
It's usually just like some pasta or some rice or something.
I think it might be that stuff doesn't taste as bad, it just tastes different to what you
expect.
And also it's just cheap food, let's be honest, isn't it?
They probably don't actually spend...
They probably get some food supplier in, you know, that's just worse than what we're used
to.
ALICE I love when they give you like those seasoned pretzels and stuff, you know?
You ever had those, you ever had pretzels that have like sour cream and onion powder
on them and shit?
Yeah, those are great.
RILEY So, I mean, there was an airline that had
a McDonald's on it, right?
You could get Mac-Ekey D's on the plane.
I would fucking do that in a heartbeat, that'd be amazing.
Fucking hell.
What other news you got, baby boy?
Hit me up.
Right, well, I got...
A toddler started saying to her mother that there were monsters in her room, but it turned
out there was actually a bee colony in the wall growing.
And it was like rumbling. And eventually
they bust out and there were 50,000 bees in there.
Jesus.
So they got relocated.
There's a woman who does all those, the big bee...
Yeah, the bee talk.
She does like that. She always goes to like sites where it's like, yeah, we think there's about a million
bees underneath this floorboard.
And then she has her camera set up and everything, and then she lifts the floorboard and there's
a million bees down there.
But apparently because of all this stuff going on with TikTok in the US or whatever, she's
gonna be impacted by it, right?
Like there's a bill to ban it or or I don't know what's going on.
The thing with TikTok is that they're saying, and there are multiple ways to look at this. All right. First of all, TikTok is owned by, I think the Chinese government has a big stake in TikTok.
And as far as I can tell, there are two arguments about this. First of all, no, that's not true. And it's just this harmless platform and blah, blah, blah.
I'm not so sure that I believe that. I know that the Chinese government is involved some way with
TikTok. I haven't done enough looking around it to be 100% sure, but I'm sure that they're involved
somehow. I think the problem is there is a genuine question to ask about who's monitoring TikTok,
who owns it, how much of the stuff that
goes on it and the information on your phone and everything is going to the Chinese government
or Chinese companies or whatever, that is worth asking.
The problem is when they went to, I think, I guess it was a Senate hearing or whatever,
the American politicians sounded so fucking clueless that it kind of undermined any case
they had when one of the questions was, is TikTok on my WiFi?
Is TikTok on my home? Is TikTok on my home WiFi?
Is TikTok on there?
It's like, are you working for the Chinese government?
And the guy, the American head of, like, the America TikTok, was like, no, I'm from Singapore,
he's like, so you're working for China?
He's like, no, I'm Singapore.
So China.
You know, it's like, dude, you're not fucking helping here, mate. Yeah, I saw Singapore. It's like, Sochana. You know, it's like, dude. You're not fucking helping
here, mate.
Yeah, I saw that.
A lot of these crusty, ancient guys for whom a smartphone is the most technologically advanced
thing they will ever see in their lives, and they don't even get the most of it, they just
use it to, I guess, answer... they just use it like a phone. They're now in charge of
deciding the future of TikTok. So that's not great.
I'll tell you what they are doing. They're playing fucking like Candy Crush. There was
a post this week about a priest who apparently had the church's credit cards hooked up to
his phone and he spent $40,000 on Candy Crush.
Oh my god.
Do you think that's considered a sin?
Will he burn in hell for that?
Well, he is-
I want to say I'm sorry for costing y'all $30,000, but I got level 15.
Pretty damn good.
So yes, there are questions to be asked, and where they've been asked is really fucking
comedically shit.
And essentially, yeah, I think it is worth figuring out.
But as I understand it, they're saying that they have to sell... The aspect of TikTok that's
operating in the US has to be owned by an American company. So they're saying, you can
keep TikTok, but you've got to sell it to someone in the US, because we don't want the
Chinese government essentially hoovering up all this data from millions of American phones.
ALICE Yeah, because the US government want to track us, not have the Chinese government track us. Do you understand
how this works? That's always the way it is. That's what Edward Snowden did. He basically
showed that all data on the internet coming in and out of America was being saved in these
mega data centers. So, all of internet traffic was being monitored.
And so, all of internet traffic was being monitored.
I mean, they're going to monitor us. Obviously. And the fear is that with TikTok, that monitoring that's on everyone's phones will be
available to China to exploit, I assume, for some reason. And I don't know enough about this. I'm
not a security guy, or even an educated, to be honest, to a large extent.
My knowledge is so out of date.
Someone was talking to me about chemistry the other day, and I was like, if I had to...
You know, I did my maths twenty years ago.
They have helium now?
What?
Oh man, chemistry...
It's fucking crazy, it changes so fast all the time.
I've still got a driving licence, and I'm like, probably I'm not safe to drive.
I haven't driven in like so fast all the time. I've still got a driving licence and I'm like, probably I'm not safe to drive.
I haven't driven in like seven years, you know?
Did you drive when you were in, supposedly in Dorset?
No, I didn't.
I was thinking about it.
I...
Well, I wasn't insured on the car, but it would have been a good chance for me to refresh
my...
I wasn't insured on the car.
We were nowhere near Dorset and I thought we were in Dorset.
This is sounding...
I think you were kidnapped, Lewis.
I was like, daft, you know, just like, oh, I did see him on the other bike, actually,
in Dorset.
Where am I?
I'm supposed to be at the Dolce Vita event!
Yeah, you gotta go through Glasgow to get back to Bristol, right?
He's a Scouser, though, apparently.
So, the thing is with the monitoring is, pointing out that the US government will be monitoring
America, TikTok, instead of the Chinese government.
I suppose in some ways, it's inevitable that we're gonna get monitored.
Would you rather be monitored by your own government, who are bound by laws that at
least supposedly, you know, you're probably happy with most of them, and you've got civil
rights and all the rest of it, or by a All the goodies. SEAN. All by a semi-hostile foreign power who definitely does not have America's interests at
heart. So you've got to kind of pick our guys or those guys. So I suppose in a way, living in the
West, being allies of America and all the rest of it, even though they might not be, you know,
someone I necessarily want knowing everything about
me, I'd rather them than the Chinese government.
No offence.
But saying if I was in China, I wouldn't necessarily want the American government monitoring everything
I did.
I'm sure they feel the same way.
You kind of have a team, you gotta stick with your team even when that team is being shit.
I just hope that they're not paying attention when I'm looking up information about bombs.
That's it.
Okay. Everything else is fine, honestly.
If they want to find out what I ate on Tuesday night or whatever, that's fine.
But just don't listen when I'm...
Yeah.
Just let me make the bombs, alright?
And we'll be cool.
And when the Civil War comes, I'm ready.
That's all I'm saying.
That's all I'm saying.
Fuck it's hot. I'm saying, that's what I'm saying. So on Tuesday me and Duncan went to Cardiff, because they've got this big gaming store
there, Firestore Games.
It's quite a nice place actually.
They do like gaming tournaments, lots of different stuff.
We played Magic the Gathering.
That's right.
So we went before Christmas to play Magic the Gathering.
Which is something that I thought you would never do again.
Well... Complained to me multiple times about Magic the Gathering. Which is something that I thought you would never do again. Well... Complained to me multiple times about Magic of the Gathering.
I know.
I know.
Well, I'm being paid, so...
Hey!
I was just gonna say, that's incredible what you would do if you get paid to do it.
Well, we had a kind of a fun time, actually.
And I do play a bit of Magic with people like...
Mostly Commander, though.
Not so standard and stuff. Anyway, they were doing another event and they people like, mostly commander though, not sort of standard
and stuff. Anyway, they were doing another event and they were like, do you want to go?
And I was like, yeah sure, not doing anything. And so, me and Duncan went down to Cardiff.
Daph gave us a list of fun things to see in Cardiff.
ALICE Right.
KM Like, Chippy Lane was the one thing that stuck out, right? Okay, is it like one of those really old style Victorian English back alley streets, like
Harry Potter style, but it's all chippies?
Yes, it is.
Oh, that sounds great!
I would love to see something like that.
Exactly, Sips, thank you.
So I was like, let's go there.
So we went there and Duncan was like, oh, I came here 10 years ago after a night out,
because it really lights up around 2am. And he was like, his jaw dropped.
He was like, oh my God, Chippy Lane's been gentrified. And it's now, it's like some,
still some shitty Chippies, but it's got like a Five Guys on there. It's got like a Nando's,
you know what I mean? It's like fully... It's ruined. I was expecting this,
you know, wall to wall chippies, like Rushome in Manchester or, you know, Curry Mile or any of
these cities. A lot of cities have. I think Birmingham has like a whole curry, a whole Indian
district, right? I don't know what you ate when you were in Birmingham.
Um, so when we were in Birmingham, I had Wingstop twice, which is an American chain.
Oh my god.
Wingstop was amazing.
Love it.
And generally we ate the catered food.
The funniest thing to me about the catered food was, though, so people always say Birmingham
is not the north.
It is definitely the north when you are from the south.
And the marker for me is, when you get food, they try and put chips on it.
Regardless of what you're getting, it's coming with chips.
Lasagna?
Here's your lasagna, and your chips.
ALICE That's a great combo.
JUSTIN Tie curry!
Here's your tie curry with rice, and some chips.
ALICE That's a great combo too.
JUSTIN Pizza?
Here's your pizza, with chips.
ALICE Oh my god.
That is the god tier combo.
JUSTIN Pizza with chips, lasagna with chips, tie curry with chips, shepherd's pie with
chips.
ALICE Ah, yes!
JUSTIN It all comes with chips.
It's not obvious.
ALICE I fucking need chips with- comes with chips. It's not O.S. ALICE.
I fucking eat chips with...
What do you mean it's not O.S.?
Why are you having chips with everything?
ALICE.
Because they're fucking chips, they're delicious, who cares?
I have chips with everything.
I would honestly have chips with everything.
RILEY.
Canada, Canada, apparently also the North.
Which it literally is.
ALICE.
We would do well.
Sips and I love chips.
I mean, we are...
ALICE.
I love chips. ALICE. We're restricted in our diets to some extent, so
chips are really filling a large...
Chips are fantastic, right?
Holy God, yeah. It's the ultimate filler.
In Cardiff, it was like, if you have a curry, you can have it like half and half, which
is half rice, half chips. And if you just go to a chip shop, you can get half and half
and you can have curry sauce on it. So it's like, instead of having fish and chips, I had like a curry, curry sauce, oh, it was, it was fantastic.
Love chips.
Can't recommend.
I'm not kidding.
Chippy lane.
We'll have chips literally with anything.
It's the definition to me of the North, is having chips with fucking everything.
There's nothing with that.
It's unbelievable.
There is everything wrong with it.
The true North is strong and free, baby.
There's nothing wrong with it.
Give me all the chips.
So, um, so yeah.
You have chips with certain things.
You don't have to have chips like a fucking eight year old with everything.
It's like being in school dinners.
What would you like love?
A pizza and chips please.
Pizza and chips.
Chips please.
Lasagna and chips please.
It's pathetic.
Bring me all the chips.
It's just pathetic.
All of them.
I said all your chips. I said all of them. More chips for me then. I's just pathetic. All of them. I said all your chips.
More chips for me then, I don't care.
I want them.
Please, I beg you.
Chips.
I'm glad that there's people out there that don't like chips, because like I said, it's
just more for me.
I do like chips.
I had chips when it was with something with which one would have chips.
But I'm not having Thai curry and fucking chips!
This fucking standard that you developed here...
I'm having Thai curry and fucking chips! This fucking standard that you developed here. I'm having Thai curry and chips.
Okay, so what are the allowable dishes to have chips accompanying them?
So, if, for example, there is not already another fucking carb, especially when there's
not already potato, with the fucking dish.
Shepherd's pie topped with potato, what can I have with that?
CHIPS!
You've already got potato in the dish! In another form! What are you doing? I see. Chips are disqualified in a meal with potato, what could I have with that? CHIPS! You've already got potato in the dish!
In another bowl! What are you doing?
I see. Chips are disqualified in a meal with potato. Okay, I can understand that.
Hey, Paster is already a carb, and now you're adding chips, and garlic bread. There was
garlic bread and chips. And pasta. It's just carbs, carbs, carbs.
Wait, okay, did the garlic bread, was the base garlic bread with some chips on it, and
then melted cheese
on top of the chips?
No, no, no.
It was lasagna, like a square of lasagna, couple of bits of garlic bread stacked up
alongside it, and then any spare space in the carton, fucking get some chips in there.
So you can't have a chip butty then?
You could have one if you wanted.
If you asked them for some bread.
You would not have one because it breaks your rule.
No, no, I would not have a chip-butty, because it's disgusting.
I wouldn't have a crisp sandwich either.
Sorry, I'm sorry for being a grownup, but no.
You have had one.
You've never had one.
You've never had one.
No, why would you have that?
Well how do you fucking know?
Because it's like saying I've never eaten fucking frogs legs, I'm not interested, no
thank you.
In principle.
You might like it.
I just don't fucking want them. No, I don't want it. Do you!" ALICE In principle. You might like it.
GROG I just don't fucking want them.
No, I don't want it.
ALICE This is why you think plain food is so shit.
ALICE Okay, you're giving us lots of examples of things
to not have with chips, but what can you actually have with chips then?
GROG Well, alright, let's say, for example, a burger.
Right?
I know the burger comes in bread.
ALICE Without a bun.
GROG A burger and fries is pretty classic combo.
And the bun is very thin.
ALICE But it breaks your rule!
It does break my rule. ALICE No, it's not always very thin. But it breaks your rule! It does break my rule.
No, it's not always very thin, that's not true.
But if it's a thick burger, like, big bun, I don't have the bun, personally.
Okay.
I say no bun.
Lewis has seen this firsthand.
This sounds like a hill that you're dying on now.
I feel like I'm coming down on Sipsy's side of this very strongly.
No, because you guys both want chips with everything, because you're like a couple of
children, that's all it is, I'm sorry.
I just don't think that this holds up.
I don't think you've got a...
You're having rice, and chips.
Yes I am.
Pathetic.
Pathetic!
What is that pathetic thing you're talking about?
Pathetic!
It's fucking awesome is what it is.
Unbelievable.
No standards.
Does this not look good?
This image I posted, this is in a Cardiff curry house.
Let's have a look at this.
This is curry with house. We're getting told off by the fucking king of cuisine here who ate at Wingstop twice
while he was away last week.
What's wrong with Wingstop?
Well, I don't know.
Wings and fries.
He seemed to have very high standards for somebody who wants to eat McDonald's on a
plane.
Right, but the thing is, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with chips.
I fucking love chips.
But I'm not gonna have chips and rice, as this picture of Lutz has just said.
That doesn't sound like you like him enough, honestly.
Look at this picture, and tell me that that represents anything like cuisine.
What?
Chips with rice?
What?
Chips with rice?
What the fuck is that?
What the fuck is that?
That is cuisine.
What you guys can't see, what you guys can't see, they posted on Discord, is a bowl.
Half of the bowl is white rice, with curry sauce dribbled on it, the other half is big
fat chips with curry sauce dribbled on it.
Yeah, big steak chips, huge ones.
Now I know that that is appealing, because it's like, oh I love chips and I love rice,
so, uh.
But can we not be better than that?
Do we really have standards so low
that we're just gonna have chips and rice,
mash and chips, chips and chips,
just chips with everything.
Okay, but what else are you legitimately having chips with then?
You said burger and chips, what else?
Yeah, so let's say I have,
you ever have chicken kebab?
You guys don't have chicken kebab.
The problem for you guys is because you don't have meat,
you can't have meat and chips.
So you're like, well I wanna have chips because I need to fill out this meal, because otherwise
it's just two fucking lentils and a big beef!
I use to eat meat, and I would say a Chicken Kiev is meat in inverted commas, covered in
bread.
I would say-
It's a thin crumb!
Yeah, most chicken is kind of crumbed, isn't
it?
JUSTIN Right, it's like breaded or crumbed in some
way.
Now look, alright, the hard rule is not, if there's any other carbs involved you can't
have chips.
I retract that, happily.
ALICE Okay, we're making some progress!
JUSTIN If there's a side, if there's a side that's
carbohydrate...
ALICE He's coming round!
JUSTIN Like right!
ALICE He's coming round!
JUSTIN I'm not!
I'm just trying to find a way to justify this to you idiots.
Join us!
No, never.
Join us, period!
Never.
One of us.
It's alright, so let me ask you a question.
If you have a fry-up for breakfast, are you having fucking chips for breakfast?
Yeah. Man, it's a... for a veggie breakfast, you would get chips here.
ALICE Or you'd get some hash browns or something like that.
SEAN So, a hash brown, or like, country fried potatoes or something like that.
ALICE Potatoes. You get those little... at our local place we get these little round
chips, I don't know what those are called. SEAN Yeah, they're like new potatoes, I think.
ALICE Yeah. SEAN So you're saying that on top of that, having chips with those things is fine?
I think if you've got hash brown you don't need chips.
I'm always happy to have some chips.
Woah, woah, Lewis, don't you like chips?
Well hash brown is basically chips, isn't it?
Right, and his mash is essentially just a chip without its jack in it.
Wait, we're talking about a traditional English breakfast.
I'm not having any mash with my English breakfast.
No, I'm not having mash on that thing.
No, indeed.
Some eggs.
But a hash brown and a chip are not that different.
Some veggie sausages.
But I guarantee you, you could get a breakfast in Birmingham where you have hash brown and
chips.
I guarantee you.
Oh, I don't need hash brown and chips.
I would have a hash brown and chips, easy.
But, you know what, I'm willing to try it.
I'm just concerned because hash browns are quite dry. They'd soak up all of the... I don't think a hash brown and chips, easy. Do you know what? I'm willing to try it. I'm just concerned because hash browns are
quite dry. They'd soak up all of the...
I don't think a hash brown is dry.
You'll never beat me on this. You could give me a bowl of diarrhea with some chips and I would
eat the chips.
Okay. Well, I think in that case, I think again, we've come down with sips on one side,
very far to the left, period on the right side, and then me just sort of leaning
towards the left, but also being aware that it might cause drama.
I'm just saying, I feel like it's obviously...
This is how a fucking civil war gets started, guys.
I would definitely bite in that war gladly.
You wouldn't have enough energy if you're not eating all your chips.
The Northern states are going to be coming down here beating up all the southern fairies who
don't have their chip diet.
Unbelievable.
Who would win North versus South?
The North, obviously.
What, in a chip off?
Yeah, they're much tougher.
No, they're just in any fight.
They've got the Scotsmen on their side as well.
We're dead.
What are they gonna fucking turn England into a country that eats chips with everything?
Wake up, sweet art, it's 6am, time to get a bowl of chips, mash, and boiled potatoes
down your neck.
How did we exist before we discovered the fucking potato?
What are we doing?
Eating turnips, human flesh.
ALICE Yeah, lots of root vegetables in the UK.
JUSTIN Nature's chip.
ALICE Lots of carrots, post World War II.
And during World War II as well, actually.
Yeah, that's all we had. Anyway, that's an hour and ten minutes and 20 minutes I was
arguing about chips. Go ahead and email me your furious responses.
This has to be my favourite podcast we've ever done.
Go ahead and email me in your absolutely boneheaded takes about chips with everything. I look
forward to sifting through them.
Yeah, oh my god. For the next mailbag has to be completely chip themed.
I just want to hear from some other middle class people who actually don't want to have Chips With
Everything. He's turning it into a class war now.
It is. The North is literally Mr. Working Class and his Chips With Everything.
Alright, thank you everyone. We'll see you next week.
Thanks so much. Bye.