Bad Friends - Bobbi Althoff Hates Us
Episode Date: March 18, 2024NEW MERCH: http://badfriendsmerch.com Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: BLUECHEW, Shopify & Mo...rgan & Morgan • Shopify: Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at https://www.shopify.com/badfriends • Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information go to https://ForThePeople.com/badfriends or dial Pound LAW (Pound 529) from your cell phone. This is a paid advertisement. YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com More Bobbi Althoff The Really Good Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@Thebobbialthoff Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbialthoff TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@bobbialthoff?lang=en 0:00 Final Tour Dates & New Merch 1:21 Is Bobby Althoff a Star? 6:16 The Reason Bobbie Snubbed Bobby 16:49 Bobby & Santino Write a Song for Bobbi Althoff's Kids 26:25 Does This Crew Member Have Shot with Bobbi? 35:38 Bobby's Foot Fetish 40:39 How Bobby & Andrew Really Feel About Bobbi Althoff 44:57 Elvis is in Dune 2 54:16 The Best Middle Eastern Prince 1:02:11 Don Wang's Special Pizza More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This episode contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
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Hey!
The last leg of our tour,
and these are gonna be our best shows.
These are, we're in Windsor, Ontario, Canada.
Windsor, Ontario, Ontario.
Niagara Falls.
Ontario, no comment.
Tucson, Arizona.
Arizona.
And then we finish on 420 in the United States
and Las Vegas, Nevada. But we added Abu Dhabi, we're20 in the United States in Las Vegas, Las Vegas, Nevada, but
we added Abu Dhabi.
We're coming to the United Arab Emirates.
At the Etihad arena.
Etihad arena, May 21st.
We can fill the Etihad arena.
Let's hope so.
Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets, badfriendspod.com.
We also got new merch.
We got these tickets.
That's the Beastie Boys shirt.
Show them, show them, kiddo.
I love it, these sweatshirts with the Beastie Boys.
The Fear and Loathing shirt.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com.
I'm doing six dates.
Andrew Santino's doing six dates
to run my new hour in the clubs.
October 4th, I'm doing Cobbs.
He's doing Cobbs.
I'm doing six clubs.
October 4th, I'm doing Cobbs.
I'm actually doing Cobbs. October 4th, I'm doing it though. I think I I'm doing cobs. Are you?
I'm actually doing cobs.
October 4th I'm doing it though.
I think I'm doing it in June.
But go to AndrewSantino.com for those dates.
I'm doing Houston, Nashville, San Francisco, Tampa.
Go to AndrewSantino.com for all of those dates.
See you soon.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
White dude and Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something else.
You two are disgusting. You two are disgusting. You two are disgusting. You two are disgusting. You two bad friends. Who are these two idiots? Woo-hoo. White dude and Asian dude.
Woo-hoo.
You two are disgusting.
Woo-hoo.
Are you two or something?
We're bad friends.
Her attitude's already stinky.
She has a stinky attitude already, dude.
You're telling me she stinks already?
Put the mic as close to her mouth.
I don't think she, I think she physically smells good,
but I think her attitude is stinky. What do you think the
What do you what are you guys doing?
Don't hand it to her nice, dude. That's a celebrity, dude
Yeah, she is oh whoa
Do you don't have to know but it helped you that here your own don't that don't know that you don't want to fuck
Do the hair it's fine. Don't do that here.
Then throw it down, or just put it wherever.
Just hold it.
Please hold it.
Thank you.
I love these slacks.
The buttons on the side are cool.
Is this...
Fashion?
What grandma's couch is this made out of?
I was waiting for that.
Well, I got you pants, by the way, I got you a gift.
Where do you find those?
Where are they?
You don't buy those, where do you find them? I got you a gift for real, because I know you like fashion. Oh, I got you a gift. Where do you find those? You don't buy those, where do you find them?
I got you a gift for real,
cause I know you like fashion.
Oh I got gifts.
No you don't.
Have a ring.
So non thoughtful.
That's a ring that a fan gave you.
But you like Korean?
Korean what?
Korean rings.
What is that?
That's ring is from the Korean.
From the war, Korean war.
Korean war.
Okay.
You know we had a war right?
This is fun.
I got you.
You got me. I got you pants. I got you pants. Yeah, you know we had a war, right? This is fun. I got you, Brandon. I got you pants.
I got you pants.
Yeah.
You did?
Yeah, I got-
You've never got me pants.
You know what I got you?
If you say career, it's gonna really bother me, dude.
You said it.
No, that's what you feel.
I didn't say it, you said it.
I had one before.
Not great.
Yeah.
But I had one.
Oh, you know what?
Did Nicky the Snicka Nicky
is really gotten your head, my friend.
Ricky Snicky is really gotten your head.
Number one on Amazon.
Yeah, number one on Amazon.
I did get you a gift.
These are for you.
These are pants.
What are they?
These are Yeezy's, Yeezy pants.
I bought you Yeezy pants. I'm not kidding they? These are Yeezys, Yeezy pants. I bought you Yeezy pants.
I'm not kidding at all. He saw. They're Yeezy pants.
Go ahead and open them up so she can see.
Open them up for her so she can see.
Look at that. Hold that up. What do you think?
Thank you so much.
You like those?
I love them.
Those are vultures. Those are Yeezy.
Why are they so big?
They're her size.
I don't think they are.
Pretty sure they are.
Are those for Moammer?
Not that he's big, but I'm just saying.
Okay, what were you saying?
Your attitude right now is different.
Go ahead and introduce our guest.
Bobby Altoid?
That was so funny.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bobby Althoff.
Althoff.
Are you Jewish?
No.
Do you wanna be?
What type of question is that?
That's a silly one, yeah.
You aren't Jewish.
No. Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Have you done a 23andMe?
Do you know your history?
Yeah.
Your genetical makeup.
Do you think you might've owned,
your family might've-
Owned slaves?
Maybe.
Is that what you're gonna ask?
Yeah, what do you think?
Bobby Althoff is of Jewish descent.
She made being Jewish cool again?
Did you guys just make this up?
Yeah, we wrote all these articles yesterday.
Before you came in.
Interesting.
Yeah.
On the internet.
Why does it say I'm of Jewish descent?
Are you?
No.
What's the deal?
Why are you so adverse to us?
I'm just confused.
I did do 23andMe, I'm not.
Can we stop looking me up or whatever you're doing?
I'd love to hear about your upbringing.
Oh great.
May I ask some questions?
Sure.
Was there a lot of flowers?
Growing up, did you see wilderness?
Did you see nature?
What do you mean?
When you walked outside, did you see
tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet,
birds? What are you trying to get?
I want to know if you lived in the city or if you lived grew up in the suburbs or the farm
Take it down. Oh, you're right. You think so take it down just a little bit. I don't know dude
She's provoking me down too high right now. All right, let me ask you another question
I mean the same question but in a different way I went to keep it down
Yeah, keep it down.
I keep it down.
Bobby Altoid.
No, that's off.
That was so funny the second time
and the first time we're going to see it again.
Look at her. She's gone.
She's ready for you.
Can you ask a question?
My work speaks for itself.
It does. It does.
So, Bobby. Yes. Do you not have a question? It sounds like you don't have a question. I do. So, Bobby.
Yes.
Do you not have a question?
It sounds like you don't have a question.
I do, I know I do.
Did you grow up in the suburbs or the city?
Like kind of on a farm a little bit.
Exactly.
That's what I thought.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah.
So your dad was a farmer.
No.
Okay.
I grew up on two acres.
One or two acres.
Two acres. Okay. I don't want to know the
specifics, but is your dad a doctor? No. What does your dad do? He builds houses. Architect.
No, contractor. Oh, contract. My bad. Yeah. Handyman, contractor, architect. Did your mother work? Janitor, custodian.
President.
Fix-it boy.
Blue collar.
Not a collar at all, in fact.
Probably t-shirts, if I'm being honest.
No collar.
No collar.
No collars.
No collars.
Did your mother work?
No.
What did she do?
She would be really modest.
She heard me say that, though.
Cause she raised you.
She did.
And that's work.
And it's work. And it's work.
A lot of work.
I think a lot of work.
To raise her?
I think so.
Yeah.
To raise me or people in general, just me.
You specifically.
Is moming a job?
Of course.
What?
Well, you have that job, right?
I do.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're a mommy?
Why do you talk like that? You like work? You say you're you have that job, right? I do. Yeah. Yeah, you're a mommy Why do you talk like you like work? You should a mommy? I can't believe people enjoy
Listening to you guys and vice versa. Yeah, if I may, you know, no, I'm kidding. We know why you're popular
We like you a lot. We've considered you the third bad friend and we also are huge fans of yours
And also can I just say something?
You know, we normally probably wouldn't do
other people's podcasts.
We generally try, I do a lot.
Mm-hmm.
I do a lot, but.
You do everybody's.
I do everybody's, but when you asked.
You and Mark Normand are in the race for who can do it.
I know.
Hey, y'all do it.
Yeah, but when you asked, I was like,
well, can I ask you a question though?
Because you asked me way before, like six months before I actually did it.
So what the fuck happened?
You text me and you go, or you DM me,
you're going, can you do my podcast?
I'm gonna come over Friday.
Friday comes around, you're a no-show.
And I don't hear from you for six months later.
That's not true, it wasn't a no-show.
I said, I text you and said, sorry.
To me, that's no-shows. That's not. Okay, you were a show. I texted you. six months later. That's not true, it wasn't a no-show. I said, I text you and said, sorry. To me, that's no-shows.
That's not.
Okay, you were a show.
I texted you.
You texted me.
I didn't just ghost you.
I know, but it was an hour before.
Yeah.
An hour before. Was it?
Yeah, before you came to my, I guess.
An hour before you came to my house,
you're like, I'm not coming.
Do you want an apology?
No, I wanna know what happened.
Tyga had to do it that day.
You got bumped for Tyga.
May I ask you a serious question?
Who did better numbers?
I mean, the audio downloads.
I think Tyga did.
Tyga's audio downloads are gonna be better
than yours for sure.
Okay.
Go to click on her profile picture, her photo.
There you go, videos.
Yeah, videos.
Go down to Tyga.
All right, so Bobby's at what? What does it say? 1.8 million right there with his leg spread? 1.9. 1, videos. Go down to Tyga. All right, so Bobby's at what?
What does it say?
1.8 million right there with his leg spread.
1.9.
1.9.
Thank you, Pete.
Where's Tyga?
Right there at five million.
Okay, he wins.
Yeah.
He did.
That hurt so bad.
It was.
No, the whole thing hurt.
But the TikTok views were pretty good for me.
Yeah. I saw a clip that got like 55 good for me. Yeah.
I saw a clip that got like 55 million or something.
Yeah. Yeah.
We did have a clip that did that.
So for six months then you were like,
okay, I'm gonna do Tyga.
And then for six months you were gone.
Yeah.
In that six months you didn't think of me?
No, I did.
But you were like, probably not.
I actually thought you were really mean
and I wasn't looking forward to meeting you. But Rick Glassman assured me that you were nice in real life.
There's a guy you should always listen to.
Yeah.
What's your opinion now?
Not much has changed, I don't know.
You scare me a little.
Wow.
What was your opinion of me before you met me and then after? Truly I had no opinion of you before. Wow. What was your pre, what was your opinion of me before you met me and
then after? Truly I had no opinion of you before. Good. Blank sleep. People generally
don't. I had heard of. I'll be honest. People don't have an opinion of me before? Generally
don't and then when they meet you they kind of do. And that's a good thing. Yeah well
yours is usually negative. No it's positive. She just said she thought you were an asshole
and then she met you and it was confirmed.
But she had an opinion.
I think it's better to have an opinion
than not having an opinion before.
You should have less opinions is how I feel.
You know, you're acting strange today, dude.
What is it you think?
You didn't sleep well or something.
Did not.
I know, I can tell by your face.
I was up all night.
I was worried about this interview.
Yeah, me too.
All night, I woke up four times to pee thinking,
What are we gonna do?
What are we gonna talk to this fucking goon about?
Yeah, yeah.
And I didn't get any sleep and now I,
what was your opinion after we met?
You're lovely.
Am I?
Yeah.
We got on pretty well.
So let me ask you-
Wait, wait, no, no, stop.
I wanna move on. Can I ask one more and then we'll move on? Cause yours haven't been, there's been no good let me ask you a question. Wait, wait, no, no, stop. I wanna move on.
Can I ask one more and then we'll move on?
Cause yours haven't been,
there's been no good questions out of you so far.
Who, who, who, who?
Am I wrong?
Can we back this up or no?
I like the flower question.
Yo, that one was a fucking home run.
Way to go, Pete.
The flower question. Thank you, Pete.
Yeah, I liked it.
Yeah, it's called nature's beauty.
You don't know about nature's beauty, dude?
You're on fire today.
Go ahead. All right. Go ahead. Nature's beauty you know about nature's beauty did and you're on fire today
All right, go ahead so
Your opinion of Andrew after you met him is
Your opinion stronger about him than my your opinion about me after that we met
Is the love you have for me more than the hate you have for Bobby? I don't think that came out I just came out weird weird
Is that how is that how you meant it is the love for me bigger than the hate for Bob?
That's how I meant it, yeah.
It's like a tie.
Good.
Yeah. That's good.
Oh, that's good.
Where'd you go?
To get that.
Creation?
Yeah. Okay.
Any way, go.
What, are you plugging creation?
What the fuck is going on with you today?
What is going on with you?
Dude, even you saying this right now,
you would never ask what's going on with me.
I don't like it, whatever.
Yeah, yeah, whatever you're doing right now, stop it.
I had a bad.
You're trying to brag in front of her or something.
I'm not.
Yeah, you're changing your thing, like, you know what I mean?
Like I'm like.
Ow.
That hurt. Is this normally how your podcasts go? Yes.
You talk to each other while your guest watches?
Oh, do you want to...
Yeah, let's not compare podcasts.
Yeah, let's not do this.
Because yours...
Yeah, there we go.
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.
Your little girls.
Your little girls.
Your two kids.
Oh no, I mean...
Your children.
Yes.
I have a real question.
Okay. Your children.
Yes.
I have a real question.
Okay.
Slow down.
Dude, I'm this close.
To what?
To what?
Honestly, to what?
Leaving?
Not leaving, but like really having a hoedown with you.
Okay, let's hoedown then.
What?
You got to sleep better.
I know.
And you had a good set last night.
No. You're delusional, Bobby. Yes put your phone down right?
Yeah, you're right. Did you do it so funny with what is your question?
I have a question with your little ears sticking out like that. You know you look like a wood elf. Thank you
from the movies
Yeah, yeah, it really looked like a wood elf right to me fans there. That's a nice look
What would her wood Elf name be?
What would her name be?
Look, there we go.
That's her.
Thank you.
Bingo-lo.
Bingo-lo.
Stevens.
Bingo-lo Stevens.
Yeah, yeah.
Your Wood Elf name is Bingo-lo Stevens.
Thank you.
And you live in the deep forest.
Sounds good.
Yeah.
In that mythological world, what do you think I would be?
A troll.
A little troll.
I'm a little troll or a big troll?
Big troll.
Okay.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, dude.
I have to ask, I wanna know.
This is a question because I think about this a lot.
My buddy has three girls.
When the girls reference their father, what do they call him? Dad, dad or daddy, daddy,
they say daddy. Yeah, I just feel like I don't if I ever
have a daughter, I don't want Do you want your daughter to call
you daddy? That's not weird. Don't make it weird. You could
do Papa pop. That's weirder. How is popper Papa or poppy weirder
than daddy daddy's only weird because daddy's what Puerto Papa, Pop. That's weirder. How is Papa or Papa or Poppy weirder than Daddy?
Daddy's only weird because.
Daddy's what Puerto Ricans call everybody.
Don't speak me Daddy.
See?
No.
It's weird.
It's weird that you're.
It just sounds weird, you know what I mean?
I don't like.
I'll do my homework, Daddy.
Aw.
Right, doesn't it sound weird?
I don't like Daddy.
Yeah, I don't like Daddy either.
It grosses me out.
I think it's cute. Yeah, yeah. Why is that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah Why why then why we but then how come it transfers over into adulthood and people do that to like everything
Go do it again. Do it to something else
Nice try. Thank you. Yeah, nice fucking try someone no one goes out
No adult male goes mommy you'd fucking throw up on site
If some kid if I walked into a friend's house and he was like mommy
Can we have mama seat there?
You're in America. Yeah, also shut up right now, dude
No, see what I'm saying though. Daddy transfers into adult like a problem. I'm as Korean
Society, how does Apple sound Appa's great? Yeah up on OMA. I'll do my homework
What do you think I know you don'll do my homework, Appa. You ruined it already.
What do you think? I know you don't do your homework, so I think that's it.
You're definitely getting spanked.
Anyway.
It's Appa and Oma, right?
Yeah, dude, you're so bilingual.
That's high Japanese, but anyway,
did you know what kind of Asian I am?
You know?
Wait, wait, wait.
You don't know what kind of Asian I am.
Do you care?
No.
What's your favorite ethnic food?
Mexican.
Oh, you like it?
What dish do you get?
What Mexican dish do you get?
Tamales.
Basic.
Do you think the word basic would, do you think the word basic
would apply to you genuinely or no?
No.
Cause it's not, it's not a negative connotated thing.
Basic is kind of nice.
I'd say I'm basic.
Yeah, I would say the same.
Thank you.
I'm complex.
You are.
You are.
You are.
Very complex.
You know what I am?
Diverse.
I'm two shifts away from the Rubik's Cube being solved
You're when all the colors are fucking all over the place, which is beautiful. It's not a bad thing. I
disagree
Okay, I'm already solved all the clothes on one all the right sides abso fucking Lutely. Yes
You're you really think you're a cohesive thing. Yeah, but then I make a nightmare, right?
You fuck it up every morning, but then I but in the morning
It's back to the same colors
Right. That's like a movie. Yeah, right like every day you fuck up all this shit, and then overnight
It's somehow everything fixes it
You know why cuz everybody else is doing it for you someone comes in the road
I swear to fuck your dude. I'm telling you right now dude. You're this close of having a fucking hoedown
You're this close and you we haven't had a hoedown in a very long time, dude.
And I'm willing to, I'll get my cowboy hat
and I'm willing to go down, dude.
Go get it.
Hee-haw, hee-haw, dude.
Focus on the guest.
Okay, let's go.
She's on her phone again.
Again, oh my God.
She's bored.
She's not bored.
Oh, she is.
No, you're not.
You know what?
You are more than welcome to leave at any time. I don't want her to. Can I?
If you want to go, go.
Please don't. I actually will.
I don't want you to.
If she wants to go, let her go.
We did hers.
Who cares? She does ours.
If you want to go, I don't want to keep you here
if you don't feel like being here.
If you don't have any more questions.
I don't have a million of them.
I have a million questions, all right?
She's ready to go.
May I say? Let her go. This is the first. I have a million questions, all right? She's ready to go. May I say?
Let her go.
This is the first time I've ever seen it,
but I think that you're a decent human being,
looking human being.
Decent looking human being?
And all of it, I mean, in the insides as well.
Thank you so much.
Were you really saying it?
It was a question.
What were you saying?
What?
You were saying it.
I'll be honest with you, I was like,
I don't have any questions. So then I just, you I mean I went with my instinct right and it came out weird
New York basic look good and good good look what's on what's on Bobby Altaf's Spotify top songs like kids music
Like what like miss Rachel that kind of stuff make Spotify music. She doesn't she doesn't have any jams not on Spotify
How about Peppa Pig?
They don't listen to their music.
You know what, Bobby, let's create a child song now.
I'll do a line, you do a line,
we'll go all the way down the line.
That sounds good.
Yeah.
Red balloon in the sky with the butterfly me.
Sliding down the slide at the park this afternoon.
I'm gonna pass.
We'll try it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to pass. We'll try it again.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
I'm not giving nothing.
Go ahead, Bob.
Well, you, how about open your heart before you get, when we get to you, not
make a decision now.
Okay.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Okay.
And the red train going down the track.
Who's that man standing outside my window we can
just keep doing it yeah yeah go ahead it's the mailman but he's got a funny
eye why is he staring at me for so long today he doesn't have mail but two
hatches in his hand interesting and no pants on his legs I
Call him Billy, but he goes. I'm not Billy today. I'm a murderer
Yeah, we fucking were yeah, it's called improv
What are you doing? Sorry too much? That's enough. It was too much.
No, I like it.
Yeah, yeah.
Did you ever-
Did you take improv classes?
I should.
I think you should.
We should teach her now.
No, I don't want to.
No, because I'll tell you why.
What I noticed when I did hers, in my mind I'm like, she doesn't know improv.
Yeah, she does.
Yeah.
So I'm like, if you could teach her,
then maybe, you know.
What's Bobby's comfort zone?
Where do you feel the most happy?
Sleeping.
I love that.
Yeah.
Don't you love it?
How many hours a day?
Not many.
Because of the children?
Yeah.
Let me ask you something.
Yeah.
Because I know a guy who saw his nanny hit his hit the kid
Oh wow on thing in the face. Yeah, it was abuse Wow and the cops showed up a couple days later
It's LAPD bud. Yeah, they got stuff going on. Yeah, unless it's a gang war
It's like a kid hit big fucking deal big deal if I took that call
But I can't if you saw that, would you,
I mean obviously, what would you do?
You'd be enraged.
Yeah, I'd fire her.
You'd fire her?
But would you call the authorities?
Yeah.
Okay.
They just slapped my kid.
Yeah.
That's it?
That's it?
Yeah.
You're not gonna go physically assault her?
You're not gonna have a hold down?
You're not gonna make a ring-a-ding-ding
to somebody who would not, would not be named
and have that woman disposed of?
For slapping my kid?
Yeah.
No.
In the sea you go, you cross my kids in the sea.
Is that another song?
Yeah.
In the sea you hit my kids, you'll drown.
No, you don't hit my kids in the sea.
If you hit my kids, you drown in the sea.
Okay, my bad.
If you hit my kids, I will drown you in the sea. Pacific Ocean. We gotta be specific. Why? Because I think the specific is um it's a bigger ocean.
But it's not a sea. Pacific Ocean is a sea. Exactly. Oh Mediterranean Sea. So far.
Indians? No that's far. How about the bay? Mexico Bay. Sure. It's not a C either. Can you please?
Back on her phone.
Back on her phone.
You guys keep talking to each other.
What am I supposed to do?
Just stare at me?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Do whatever you want.
Be free.
We're just so glad you came.
What's that tattoo on your left arm there?
My children.
Holding hands.
Will you?
Have another one?
I was going to say, will you regret that tattoo?
Cause they're gonna get bigger
than I can look anything like that.
That's gonna be embarrassing.
These are my kids.
Yeah, no, I think it's a fond memory.
They're already bigger than this.
They have these outfits, I saved them.
You saved those outfits?
Yeah, because they're like forever etched on my body.
Do you have any on your legs?
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Anyway.
Disgusting.
Oh, God.
I remember you saying that a lot when I was with you.
I was disgusted a lot.
She didn't say that once.
Not on ours.
Yeah, because I think I disgusted you.
Yeah, many times. Many times. He did not say that once. Did she not? Not on ours. Yeah, you, because I think I disgusted you. Yeah, many times.
Many times.
He did not disgust you.
Well, he wasn't like putting his toes out.
Oh, my toes are disgusting.
Taking his shirt off.
I didn't take my shirt off.
How dare you?
I think you did.
I did.
Yeah.
I think I did.
Yeah, I did.
But I apologize for that, but it was hot.
We're playing tennis.
And you tried to like hug me without your shirt on.
You don't hug, right?
You don't hug.
I hug.
No, I know.
Your children, but not strangers.
No, you don't hug other people.
Not really.
Like if we gave to, when you say goodbye,
you wouldn't give a hug, would you?
I would.
No, you wouldn't.
I do.
Would you hug me?
I don't hug.
That makes perfect sense.
Yeah. She doesn't hug. Who in the. That makes perfect sense. Yeah.
She doesn't hug.
Who in the room would you hug?
Um.
So that's Pete on the left, that's McCone in the back,
and that's Fancy in the white.
I can say something about McCone right now, I think.
I don't hug.
You wouldn't hug.
Who would you hug?
I don't hug.
You wouldn't hug.
An interesting thing about McCone right now, you know?
No, I would hug my family.
What?
What? What's going on?
I thought the woman McCone thought he had a shot with oh
Yeah, get on the mic you want to say something I
Don't know if you want to approach this at all, but I know you're
You're literally thought he had a shot with you so silly. Well, you're single now. Yes. Oh, yes
Yeah, and I don't know if it's sensitive and I don't want to be rude and disrespectful to that and I mean I'm being genuine
Okay, but this this this guy this is our intern this moron Yeah. And I don't know if it's sensitive and I don't want to be rude and disrespectful to that. And I mean, I'm being genuine.
Okay.
But this guy, this moron.
This intern.
This moron, he says to us, he goes,
I think she's really pretty.
And I said, okay, great.
And then he said, I think when I go with you to the thing,
I'll try to chatter, chatter up.
And I said, okay, good luck.
Silly, silly man.
And then he said, what do you mean good luck? You think I don't have a chance with her? And I said- I said, okay, good luck. Silly, silly man. And then he said, what do you mean good luck?
You think I don't have a chance with her?
And I said-
I said, absolutely not.
Well, Bobby said, absolutely not.
And I said, do you think you do?
And he said, I think maybe she'd like me.
No, you started going, I have the gift of gab.
Gift of gab, that's what he said.
He said the gift of, it's a Minnesota term.
And then also he was like very cocky about it.
And then when I saw him after it,
he's like, nah, I didn't have a chance.
Well, he didn't say one word. Yeah, he's the one. So you want to say a couple of words
now? You're a foolish man. Go ahead. Step up to the mic and say what you need to say.
I thought, you know, we're two movers and shakers young. Oh my God. You think that you're
even in this? Let him do it. Let him do it. You know, get up on the mic so she can see
you and say what you need to say.
Good. The hair is coming back in. I was bald for a bit, but you know, she can't even look you in the eye. I feel a little more confident again,
but no, she's intimidating. Can't, can't. Yeah. That's your pitch. That's the pitch.
That's the pitch. It's so weak.
Wow. I said that this one was the latest man.
I did not.
Yeah, they say that, not me.
I don't say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby, is this the kind of guy that you would date in your next round of life?
No.
No.
Exactly.
And why though? Just give me some reasons. Just come curious.
I feel like he's like 20.
Well, he's your same age.
I feel like I'm 40, so if he's 40's well. He's your same age. I Feel like I'm 40 so you yeah, yeah, he's not my same age to the same age, but go ahead
What else what does it what some other he has no money? I could I'm gonna guess can I guess?
He's absolutely no money. Okay, let's get past that. Yeah, okay beyond the age and the money thing. What else?
I feel like those are two pretty big things, but let's add some more for fun
Yeah, yeah.
For the sake of the show.
I mean, is he attractive to you?
We have a mullet.
Did I see one?
He has a mullet.
He has a mullet, yeah, yeah.
For now, for now.
Okay. Okay.
There's another.
Is he attractive?
And like a kid.
Like, oh, look at that kid.
So if he calls you mommy, that's okay.
That's disgusting.
Well, that's-
Although, can I say something?
Last night, because I have a friend visiting me,
and this friend of mine, she goes,
I know you're gonna get mad, but I have to say
that I think McCona is cute.
And it literally, last night, I literally lost my mind.
Yeah.
Is this a girl that you're dating?
Yes, I literally lost my mind.
That would gross me out.
It grossed me out.
So he's not cute though at all.
I didn't, I have to have no opinion.
Well, look at him right now real fast.
You see anything you like over there?
I don't want to.
Can we set you guys up on a date?
No.
Please?
No.
Okay.
Pretty please?
No.
Okay, good.
Well, you know, I'm single Bobby.
I'm considered the Korean Timothee Chalamet. So, um. Timothee Chalamet. Ch, good. Well, you know, I'm single Bobby. I'm considered the Korean Timothee Chalamet.
So, um.
Timothee Chalamet.
Chalamet.
You're more, you're not really a Chalamet.
What am I?
More like a Tuang Fu.
Bring up Chalamet.
Yeah.
That, look at how fucking beautiful that kid is.
That's not you.
Wait, do that face.
Oh yeah, I see it.
I see it. You see it Oh yeah, I see it. I see it.
You see it?
Yeah, I see it actually.
Look at him.
Okay, my bad.
But I really love and I really appreciate you.
I love you feeling what you just felt.
Cause I really need you to stay where you are sometimes.
Cause he's getting real ahead of himself.
Yeah.
Is he?
He's late to everything.
Yeah.
I paid for him to come out to New York.
I pay for his life.
I mean, and I love him.
He's family to me.
I've said, come out to New York
for the premiere of my movie.
I wanna, let's ask Bobby what she would have done
in the circumstance.
My mother is in town.
I flew my mom out for the premiere of this movie.
Kind of a big deal.
You didn't play me out.
Huh?
You didn't play me out.
Why?
Why would I? We were friends. Oh, do you want to come to a
premiere of something? No, but. Okay. Well, fuck, dude. So I flew my, I flew my mom out.
I said, you have one job. You have to meet me at the premiere and I want you to film
me and my mom getting out of the car together. It's a special moment for me. One job. Did you get
that footage? So did you get the footage is a big yes or no. I can't believe this shit.
Brooklyn at the time. No, no, no, no, no, no. Did you get that footage? Were you there
before me to get that car? Me getting out of the car? I got on the yes or no. Were you
there before me to get me and my mom? The one thing I asked you to do for you. Did you
film me and my mom getting out of the car? You were getting out of the car. Did you film me and my mom getting out of
the car? No. Thank you. What would you do in that circumstance if that was someone you
hired on your team for one special moment in your life who you paid to do a thing and
really no other responsibilities? He could have done anything he wanted for the fucking
four days in New York. Go party, do whatever he wants. One thing, what do you do in that circumstance? And by the way, whatever she says goes.
So.
Fire him.
Beedee deedee deedee deedee deedee.
You heard it.
Out, go.
Thank you, Bobby.
He's been waiting for that for a long time.
That was super good.
Right, wouldn't that hurt your heart?
Yeah.
Bobby, when you're ready to date. What are you looking for? Oh?
Let's have like a little checklist here, so can we ask you some questions sure all right, so um
What if he had his own children?
That's fine. Yeah, I guess okay. That's fine
blended family
I can't really like say no now that I have kids right
You can do whatever you want
What do you what if they had what what if they were like stay home forever kids if you know what I'm no
I would prefer if they didn't have you know they have helmets
You mean what?
They're stay home forever kids. You know I mean they're just like whizzing around you know okay. What's your next question all right?
so that's number one.
Number two, what if he is like,
I don't have a job, but I have money?
Is that okay?
No.
He needs to work.
Yeah.
What if he just wants to stay home and take care of the kid?
Yeah.
And he wants you to live your-
I mean, they're whizzing around in his room,
I mean, his house, he's got to-
He needs to have his own life.
Okay.
How short can he be?
At least six feet tall.
So has to be over six feet.
Mm-hmm, or six feet is like the...
It's just when people are like you,
it just, you're just cutting out so many people.
I think it's fair.
No, it's not fair.
It's not fair at all.
I think men under six feet.
I want to be able to wear heels.
Right.
And you still can.
And not be taller.
All right. Why?
I mean, it hurts me.
Well, why?
Because when I go on dating sites.
How tall are you?
Five, three and a half.
Just flat.
There's no way.
Are you actually?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am, I am.
And it's like when I go on dating sites like Raya,
some of the things will say.
You're on Raya?
Wow.
Wow.
That's a shot. Well, I didn't. It's a shot to my gut. It's a shot. You know what you meant when you said that. You're on, Raya. Wow. Wow. That's a shot.
Well, I didn't.
It's a shot to a gut.
It's a shot.
You know what you meant when you said that.
That's not what I meant.
I genuinely was wondering if he's on, right?
They let you on that?
Yeah.
That's not what I said anybody can get on it.
Wow, it's really going down.
Not every, that even hurts more,
that anyone can get on it?
I feel like I've seen that anybody,
you just need like a referral code or something.
A bunch of referrals by fancy people, thank you.
Oh, okay.
Will you use the apps at some point
or you think you're not gonna do that?
I'm okay.
You'll never do that.
I'm waiting to stumble upon the love of it.
All right, so but sometimes the app will go,
I'm not looking for anyone under six feet,
and it hurts me, but anyway, let's keep going.
That's fine, just date people under four feet.
I like taller women.
Not.
There's definitely-
Okay, then fine, there's women who like short guys,
that's just not for me. Okay. Short kids. Fair enough. Yeah, there's. There's women who like short guys. That's just not for me.
Okay.
Short kids.
Fair enough.
Yeah, there's a lot of women that like short guys.
Yeah.
You would have dated Napoleon, and that's a shame on you.
He ran the thing.
He ran the thing?
France.
I don't even know who that is.
Both of you guys have no idea who Napoleon is.
He ran the thing, France.
Like dynamite?
Yeah, there he is right there.
Totally in dynamite.
He was the same height.
That's Bobby. Yeah. That's just a. He was the same height. That's Bobby.
Yeah.
By killing the game.
Look at him.
Look at his dick.
Not that big.
Yeah, you're right.
All right, let's go back to the checklist.
May I?
Okay.
What if he was blind in one eye
and in a fiery accident,
his ears would just burned off
So you just see like holes on the side of his head, but he comes it with hair, right?
But when you look at it, you can see like the insides
Yeah, you can see the workings of the ear what do you mean? What is it? I'm asking you a question
Oh, let's go back to that. What if he was a religion like he was like
Zoroastrianism, you know what that is like when the original rule. Okay. Okay. All right. So he has to be over six feet tall
Yes, ask her about color what color what is wrong with you guys what color what color you guys I'm done What about Asian? Are you okay with Asian men? How many are over six feet? How many?
You know what, dude?
Honestly, not much, but anyway.
It's actually true.
That's true. Interesting.
I would love to see your feet.
Thank you.
Jiminy Crickets.
Jiminy Crickets, I fucked up.
Why would you say that out loud?
I was looking at her boots right now.
I go, like the boots,
but I'm like, what's underneath it?
And I go, probably nice feet.
You're not saying that in a gross way, are you, bud?
Not in a sexual, no.
I don't find them sexually attractive.
How big are your feet?
Why?
What size shoe do you wear?
Yeah, that's not-
A six, why?
A six?
Yeah.
Tiny.
I bet you have long toes.
Mm.
I'd be long toes.
Do you paint them?
Bobby long toes.
Yeah.
Do you paint your little toes?
I don't paint them myself, no, but you get you I bet you get gels
Yeah, like like you remember. I know I do remember dude that day. I'll never forget. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I forgot
Hmm ouch
You get like a little limp between your toes
Will you save someone send it to him?
No, it's just this is weird. This is what you do to me when I'm gonna leave here and tell people you so
What weird you say Bobby was weird? That's so funny
It's so crazy because it's like why can can't you ask these questions? You can.
Yeah, I'm curious about your feet.
I'm sure they're lovely.
And I'm curious to see the condition they're in.
I mean, Pete, am I wrong?
No, not at all.
Exactly.
Do you have a foot fetish?
I might have one.
Yeah.
Because I've been showing people mine.
That's not what a foot fetish is.
That's not the same thing.
And I think mine are so nice, look.
You like what you see?
I don't wanna see.
Yeah.
Do you drink or use drugs?
Are you the police?
What are you asking me that for?
Maybe who's asking.
Why are you asking?
Did you have something traumatic happen in your life,
growing up?
No.
Okay.
You're attacked by a wild animal.
Is that how you usually get information out of people?
Yeah, yeah.
You just like guess until you maybe get it.
Yeah, yeah.
Were you in a cult?
Were your parents in a cult?
No.
Did you go to church every Sunday?
Yes.
What church?
Can we say that?
The religion?
No, what kind of religion?
Yeah, what kind of religion?
Christian. Oh, let's up getting the Jesus Catholic?
No, just just broad christian like the church was called christian church
Nondenominational. Yeah. Yeah, that's a cult
You know what dude, shut the fuck up. That's enough enough. Are you it is a little bit though, but in a good way
I can see you at a pew
On your hands and knees. No, that's catholic. They don't do that. They don't do pews. That's not I can see you at a pew on your hands and knees. That's Catholic, they don't do that.
They don't do pews?
That's not that.
I can see you in the wooden bench.
On a wooden bench, right?
And then when the song comes, you know how they do the song?
You have to pick up the book a little.
I can see you immediately grab the book and really,
you don't even need the book, you have it memorized.
Jesus Christ, you're my Lord and Savior.
I feel like you guys are gonna go to Hall of Fame.
And my friend.
Why would we go to hell for praising Jesus?
You're mocking him.
Really?
Really.
I think we're showing love and respect.
Do you still go to church?
No.
When was the last time you went? The elves above. What? showing love and respect. Do you still go to church? No. When was the last time you went?
Beelzebub.
What?
I love you, Satan.
Netherworld.
Beelzebub.
Cool.
I do both.
Like I go both ways, and that confuses you.
That's right.
But that's the yin and yang of me.
I'm texting Luke
Don't don't text Luke. Who's Luke? I'm her manager. Why like I cut this out. Yeah, no, please
Look at him Yeah begging please don't leave please don't tell your manager that you know me this was an uncomfortable situation
Very good
Any other questions
Well, this was nice. I love you so much.
I really do.
I care about you.
Thank you.
Okay.
And before we end, I just want to,
let's do, I know what we're gonna do.
All right?
Because I feel like we're in a hole.
Okay?
Who's, not we.
Me?
I'm humming.
I'm humming too.
Okay, you're good.
Like a bird. Yeah. Right, so what I want to say is too. Okay, you're good. Like a bird.
Yeah.
Right, so what I wanna say is let's go down the line,
not a song, don't worry, right?
But we express how we really feel about each other
before we go.
Okay, that's good.
And only positives, no negatives.
Okay.
Right?
Should I start?
This is your bit.
It's not a bit, dude.
This is your.
It's an exercise.
This is your exercise. Okay, it's like, dude. This is your. It's an exercise. This is your exercise.
Okay, it's like a gratitude list.
Can you look at me?
Okay, so Bobby, here's how I feel about you.
Okay, I'm honored to work with you.
I am.
When I did your, I was so grateful that you asked me
to do it because you're hot and the kind of,
no, like in terms of the numbers,
like you're hot out there, not in a fit,
like an attractive way, you know?
I mean, you're attractive, but I know, I feel like it.
I feel like I'm drowning in sadness.
All the way to China, this one's going.
I know.
Let me start over, all right?
I was really grateful that you had asked me,
I thought we worked well together,
it got really good traction, it helped me out a lot.
I also, I just think that you're like a anomaly,
a very talented person, and I think that in this time of age
we just need somebody like you out there,
I think you're so important.
And I just, I think that you're a good mom.
Thank you.
And I think I want to see your feet.
That's it.
That's good, right?
Is that good?
Other than you, I go to you now.
Okay.
Yeah, you're my best.
And you're the best.
You know?
And we're going to Austin tomorrow together.
Yeah, it'll be fun.
Yeah.
And I just like working with you and I trust you immensely.
God bless.
And I love you so much.
Go ahead, now your turn.
Okay.
Bobby.
Be real, dude.
Be authentic.
Bobby.
Good. Here we go, you know
It's happening
No, cuz you're feeling it and that's what I love. It's organic. It's so organic. I'm letting it rip
Bobby
Will you can you you know what go in the front room just so I can have like a moment in this
Have a cigarette.
I really want this to be, I want it to count.
I'm sorry I made you come here and do this.
I'm sorry, I know you said you didn't want to do it.
And you said this is gonna be a waste of your time
and you don't like Bobby and he makes you uncomfortable
and you said it over and over and I'm sorry.
Okay, do you accept my apology?
No.
Okay.
So that's a wrap, how do we get out of here?
McCona will help you out.
That's okay.
Yeah, can I do it?
Yeah.
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Do you see dune too?
Yes.
Did you ask you?
Oh, yeah.
Do you see it?
Oh, you like it?
Would you like it?
Did I see dune too?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't do.
I didn't see dune too.
And I'll tell you why.
I want to rewatch Dune I before I go again.
That's what I did the night before I went to see Dune II.
My cousin just did that.
That was a smart idea.
He got stoned, he watched Dune I,
and then he went to this theater and watched Dune II.
So that's what I need to go back to do.
Yeah.
Tell you this, man, Elvis, he really's got it.
Presley, he's in it.
No.
Hey, what's up with the sand?
No, Austin, Austin.
Oh, what's going on with the sand world? Yeah. Oh, can I have a bragging point? Let me brag. Can I brag? No, I's in it. No. Hey, what's up with the sand? No, Austin, Austin. Oh, what's going on with the sand world?
Oh, can I have a bragging point?
Let me brag.
Can I brag?
No, I got a better bragging point than this.
What is it?
Austin Butler played Elvis.
Yes.
Well known, right?
Yeah.
When we toured Graceland, you didn't come with us.
You refused to tour Graceland.
When I toured Graceland, the teenage kids,
you know, someone like that.
You've already told this story before.
Not on this show.
I love it.
I'm gonna do it again.
Can I tell it?
Teenage kids were like,
Satino, bad friends.
Loved it.
The woman goes, I'm sorry, I don't know who you are.
The guide, I said, that's okay, most people don't.
She goes, well, they seem to know who you are.
She goes, that's really surprising.
I've given a lot of celebrity tours this place and a lot of people just don't really recognize
anybody.
I said, like who?
She goes, Austin Butler, who played Elvis.
I walked him through this entire property.
Not one person stopped him.
I said, take that, Austin Butler.
This is before the movie came out.
No, of course not.
That's insane.
It came out. It was already way out. That's insane. It came out.
It was already way out.
I think as a guy, he might be unrecognized.
He looks like a very like a chameleon.
Yeah.
He's like a chameleon.
Let me ask you.
I want to say this.
Look at that guy.
You might not know that's him.
Bro.
He was so good in Dune too.
I'm sure he was.
Yeah.
He played Frey.
Fade Rautha.
Fade Rautha. Fade Rautha.
Fade Rautha.
Harkonnen.
Harkonnen, correct.
That's right.
Let me have a chance to say it.
Okay.
Look at how much better he looked at it.
Look at the first picture down in the second row.
I mean, what a first picture.
Look at how handsome he is.
So handsome.
But as Frey, because Sting played that part, remember?
In the David Lynch tune.
And he was, and Sting was like.
Ha ha ha.
Every breath you take.
Ha ha ha, yeah yeah.
That's a police song, isn't it?
Yeah, it's a Sting song.
But it's still him.
It's very good.
But what's the difference?
Do you like Sting more or the police more?
Oh, the police fight by far.
Isn't that weird though?
By far. Why did I not like Sting after the police? Because he, the police fight by far. Isn't that weird though? Why did I not like
Sting after the police? Because he went really family kind of. His songs were very like-
Poppy and- No, it was just, yeah, like what's that
one song that he sings? I don't even remember. Oh, oh, oh, he sings-
Field of, Field of- Oh yeah.
Oh, he sings, streets of Philadelphia, na na.
No, not that song, the field one.
Oh, that's not right.
What's the field one?
Kidding.
Give me the lyrics, I think I can sing it.
No, I-
Fields of Gold.
Yeah.
Fields of Gold.
Na na na na na, na na na na na, na na na na, of rapture, or whatever it is.
Yeah.
You'll remember me.
Yeah, that's it.
When the west wind blows.
On the waves of rapture.
That's right. Yeah, yeah. You know- Fields of Gold, that's that song. What's your favorite song? You'll remember me when the west wind blows upon the ways of rapture.
That's right.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, fields of gold.
That's that song.
What's your favorite police song?
Oh, God, I like it.
Get on the ground!
Get on the ground!
That's enough.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Why can't we do that?
Bad boy.
Bad boy.
Bad boy.
That was a great song.
It was a really good song. But-
My favorite police song was,
maybe I'm gonna sing the hum
and let's see if you know it, ready?
Yeah. My favorite police song.
Bum bum bum, and ma na na na.
Yeah, yeah.
Na na na, na na na na na na.
Yeah.
Na na na, na na na na na na.
Stanley Tucci.
Na na na, Stanley Tucci. Yeah. That song is about us, you know that, right? Yeah, a toot-chee. Stanley Toot-chee. A toot-chee, a toot-chee. Stanley a toot-chee. Yeah.
That song is about us, you know that, right?
Yeah, Roxanne's a good song.
The song that I'm singing is called Man in the Suitcase.
It's literally about our life.
Why must I be the man in the suitcase?
I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a good song.
Man with the strangest face.
Yeah, the plays were great.
So good. So good.
And then, you know what I listened to the other day
that I hadn't listened to?
The Cars. Love. So many. And then, you know what I listened to the other day that I hadn't listened to? The Cars.
Love.
So many good songs, the Cars.
Shake it up.
Shake it up.
That's so good.
It is really good.
I haven't seen anything because I've been watching-
Shogun.
Everyone's talking about Shogun.
Shogun is so good.
But also I've been watching, I watch Curb.
I watch through Curb.
Richard Lewis.
Stand up to date on Curb, yeah.
Amazing.
I heard Shogun's great.
There's only one problem.
Oh, I'm not in it.
Not enough white people.
Oh, okay.
I don't think there's anything in Shogun for me though.
I don't think so either. Why, I can do Shogun. That's good. Oh, okay. I don't think there's anything in the Shogun for me though. I don't think so either.
Why I can do Shogun.
That's good.
Yeah, yeah.
Pshh, pshh.
Huh.
Ow, ow, ow.
Is that what it is?
Ow, ow, ow.
You've got the role.
Yeah, I got it?
You got the role.
Why can't I die?
I mean, that's what they'd make you do for sure.
I know, but I can die in a dramatic show.
Of course.
Ruh.
Quack, quack. Quack, quack? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, No, I know. No way. Then I go, oh, I feel a pinching in my stomach.
Oh, it hurts.
Yeah.
In your mind, when you're sleeping, you would hear that noise.
You go, you check.
No dick sucking because my sides hurt.
I look down.
Oh, why?
Tongue go.
Why tongue go? Why, Tonggo? Why, Tonggo?
I grew up together in the valley,
the river we had by the creek. Was it too much?
I don't like this.
Why?
I don't know what it is.
I don't know.
No, let me finish it.
Okay.
That's why you don't let me finish my scenes.
Not if they're falling apart.
No.
I'm like the fucking conductor who's like, bail, bail.
But you're directing it, right?
So just cut it, right?
Cut.
Yeah, so let me- Reset.
Yeah, exactly, dude.
Let's go back to one.
As an actor, I'll probably still do an Asian accent
even when I'm not shooting, just to be in the role.
Could I ad-rib? Yeah, ad-huh. Could I ad-lib?
Yeah, ad-rib.
I can ad-rib?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you ready?
I'm so prepared.
Do I say action or do I just go?
I have to say it.
Oh, my bad, my bad.
No, no, like a good director.
Take your own action.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Cut. Oh Oh
Cut
You're getting stabbed I know I don't think you owe you when oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the oh you was this
Mm-hmm so stupid dude sometimes. Well, I'm the director. Yeah. Yeah, I don't care dude. I fired no
No, don't fire me. You're fired. I like tell you why you're wrong
The oh you was the first two is realization. You're fired. I'm gonna tell you why you're wrong. The OU was, the first two is realization.
OU.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, you.
And then OU is I open my eyes
cause I'm fucking sleeping.
Yeah, you're napping.
Yeah, yeah, and I'm going, OU, right?
Betrayal.
Betrayal, oh, that's the line?
Betrayal.
Betrayal.
As you die.
Yeah, okay, ready?
Action.
OU, betrayal. No, okay ready action Oh You
Betrayal no, it's a little too. I'm not done. I'm not done
Already all right, right? Okay. I'll take my own
Or you
Betrayal Tony. Oh, it's Tony. Yes
And it's Tony soprano. Yeah, well, let's fuse the two world. I gotta do it. I gotta do it
Yeah, sorry. I gotta stab you. Sorry I gotta stab you Shogun.
Let me do it, you do stab.
Shogun, sorry I gotta stab you.
Let me stab you.
Oh you do, now I'm the director.
It's Shogun.
Ready?
Scene 46, Shogun,
you know, the rapture scene.
Action.
Ah, ah, ah!
Cut.
Was it not believable that I was getting stabbed in my sleep?
Yeah, but you're not an Irish guy.
How was I Irish?
I look this way.
No, but you're supposed to be a Japanese guy.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, so, ah, ah, we don't do that. All right, so anyway, goddamn this guy. I should okay. Yeah, yeah, so, arh, arh! We don't do that.
All right, so anyway, god damn this guy.
I should audition this guy, man.
I swear to god, dude.
I shouldn't have offered.
Anyway, rapture scene, scene 36,
take for 15, and action.
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. You stubborn me.
Oh, very.
It's cut.
I mean.
Yeah, what do they say?
Call the Academy.
What do they say?
They go, you know what I mean?
What does the director say?
Print that, print that.
Print that.
Print that.
Fucking dead on, dead.
You know when you go on a set and they have that red light and it says do not enter Craft service is there, I'm hungry. Not only that, it's like I always tell people,
because there's always wardrobe and people waiting for you
to come in and you're like,
I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time.
I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time. I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time. I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time. I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time. I'm like, I'm gonna go in every time, I never, oh dude. I go in every time. I'm hungry. Craft service is there, I'm hungry.
Not only that, it's like, I always tell,
because there was always wardrobe and people waiting there.
Yeah.
Because they don't wanna cross.
I cross.
And I go, you know what I always say?
I go, I'm quiet.
Yeah, just sneaky.
I slowly, and those doors are so heavy.
You can, there's padded too.
Yeah, they're fine.
They're so fine.
Then no one's gonna hear you.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh my God, I wanted to show you this.
Dude.
Because, because, because, because,
because we're going to Abu Dhabi, people know.
Uh-huh.
One of the princes.
Ah, Prince Jasmine.
Just bought Prince Jasmine.
Look up, look up, no, no, no, just write,
write Saudi Prince billion dollar jet.
Some guy just bought a billion dollar outfit of this jet.
Look at this fucking thing.
It's going to blow your mind.
Maybe it's.
Is that?
Yeah, that's it.
The first picture, the first one Saudi print that one a bill.
Look at the fucking photos of this thing.
I'll walk up in billion dollars.
Yeah.
So 500 million private Boeing jet and then outfitted it with another.
I don't even know.
It says it in the article.
I mean, dude, the fucking bedroom, we got to get one of the princes while we're over there
to let us on their plane.
For a billion dollars, he should have gotten an Airbus.
Okay.
You know what?
It's a 737 Max.
Exactly.
They're on recalls.
That's a beautiful room though.
That's you and me.
Imagine sleeping together next to each other.
But let me say something.
How many princes are there?
Because every time I think about the Middle East.
Google it, how many-
People say there's so many princes.
There's gotta be.
You're my little prince, so does that count?
How many princes are there in the Middle East?
The number of princes is estimated to be at least 7,000.
Wow.
Most of the power and influence being wielded
by 200 or so.
We gotta get to the 200.
I think the rest of them, the 6,800, we don't need.
What are you talking, why not?
We wanna get to the 200 princesses.
We don't wanna be like, oh, that's the, you know what I mean,
the prince of this mountain.
You gotta start somewhere, buddy.
Okay, I'm a prince.
Imagine, you know what it is?
Hello, I'm Prince.
Which one are you?
Jasmine.
Prince Jasmine.
Yeah, I am Prince Jasmine.
You know Prince Alid Saleem?
I do not know, but I've seen him at the convention.
Oh, then fuck you.
Let me keep going with the bit.
Okay, I'm Prince Jasmine, right?
And I'm gonna tell you, I just became Prince.
There was only 6999 Prince.
It's okay, Prince.
I'm 7,000 Prince.
Prince Jasmine, do you?
Hello, I'm Prince Jasmine.
Do you have a private jet that we can go on?
Oh yeah.
Wait, how big is it?
Southwest.
Oh, you own a Southwest plane?
No, I am number A1, two and three.
We get to go on first.
Wow.
Wow, before business.
It actually would be called Far East Airlines.
Yeah, Far East Airlines.
Far East Airlines.
Far East Airlines, yeah.
Anyway.
What's your airline called in the Middle East?
Oil.
Oil Air? Oil.
Oil Air?
Oil Air.
Well, deliberate.
Yeah.
And can I tell you how we got our money?
How did you get your money?
We don't have oil.
Oh.
My family.
Really?
Barrel.
You own one barrel?
A several oil barrel.
I hope you'd have a lot of barrels.
No.
Twelve.
Oh, you own the physical barrel.
The barrels.
Oh.
Right? So we get a piece.
By the way, a barrel prince is so funny.
Yeah, barrel prince.
Everyone's like, your money must have come from oil.
He's like, the barrels.
That's what I'm saying.
And they're like, but not the oil inside.
We manufacture barrels.
We are the barrel barons.
We also, we have technology that we take sand and put it in the mud.
Oh, you make sand mud. We have the technology.
You make sand mud.
You know how?
Very simple.
How?
Water.
Get out of town.
Yeah.
Barrel prints is actually a very good idea.
Thank you.
It'd be funny to be like the brokest.
You be a prince now.
Of the princes.
If you're the brokest of the princes.
You be a prince now.
It's like your money must.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Well, hi, this is where the Prince Convention is? It's interesting.
What is your name?
Oh, I'm sorry, I should know.
Yes.
I offended you.
You're Prince Jabberwocky.
I read about you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
And you dance.
I will dance. Yeah, yeah. But mostly. Yeah. And you dance. I will dance.
Yeah, yeah.
But mostly.
Yeah.
I count money.
I've made a lot of money.
Yeah.
Do you know how?
Can I guess?
Sure.
Rugs.
Kind of.
Yeah, yeah, cool.
Toupees, I own the biggest toupee company.
You do?
Yes, but magical.
Head rugs.
Head rugs head
But they're magical toupees. Yes, they will get you pussy magically when you put
That's a great prince the Prince Barrel and Prince toupee guys should
They should hang out by the way I'm sure the people listen to sit and fuck it do buy or now like fuck these guys these guys
Yeah, but you can I when we go to Dubai.
Abu Dhabi.
Abu Dhabi, I've been there before.
Oh, you've been to Abu Dhabi?
Yes, I did a show there once.
United Arab Emirates.
Yeah, we get business, right?
Yeah, it's business.
We're going for business, not pleasure.
No, it's a business class.
I can't do a fucking coach on that.
Well, I hate to break it to you, my friend,
but no, we're not flying business class.
We're flying regular.
And we have to stop like three times.
We have to stop like in Japan.
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
We have to stop in Japan.
Then let's not do it.
We chop in Japan, in Delhi,
and then in, for some reason,
we stopped like somewhere in Eastern Europe.
Then we get down there.
I don't think we should do it then.
It was a good, I got it in Expedia.
It was like 38 bucks a person each way. Wow. It was worth it. No, have you been to an,
I've been to airports in the country, in different parts of the world where you see like chickens
and roosters on the field. Dude, when we were in fucking, I never even, I don't even know
if I told you this, when we were leaving Sicily, we were in this fucking airport, it wasn't open.
We had to wait outside.
The first flight was 10 a.m.
These motherfuckers showed up at like 9.56.
Wow.
And the guy was like, okay, okay, come, come.
Like I opened the gates to the fucking airport
and I turned and I was like, to my dad,
I was like, should we not get on this fucking flight?
Was it one flight straight to America or?
No, it was a flight from Sicily to Rome.
Ah, that's where the good ones are.
But they opened the fucking airport.
I'm not kidding.
Security was closed.
Wow.
And I was like, is this a good idea?
This guy showed up like five minutes
before we were taken off.
What's the food like?
In Abu Dhabi?
No, Sicily.
Oh, a lot of, well, it's a lot of fish.
It's a lot of seafood.
Southern Italy is a lot of seafood. It's a lot of seafood southern Italy is a lot of seafood
You know a lot of Mediterranean style stuff. Do you like if you like seafood go down there if you're not a seafood guy
I highly recommend avoiding it
What about because we had there's always someone in your group who's like, I don't really like seafood. You're like well fuck dude
That's all they have down here. But is there a pizza place? Of course
Yeah, you're gonna get pizza. Like is there like a round table?
Yeah, there's a jack in the box.
You know what's so funny?
There probably is a jack in the box out there.
No, there is a pizza place down there.
But there's I know, obviously it's Italy, but no, there's not a corporate pizza place.
No, there's no round table.
I'll tell you in Rome.
There's like a Domino's or a pizza.
Rome, Rome in Rome has stuff like that.
They have McDonald's.
They have all that stuff.
All right.
It's fucking it's Rome. It's Rome. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it wasn't built in is there a place built on the shoulders of Pizza Hut because let me ask you
Something about pizza cuz you gotta get a pizza pizza pizza pizza pizza. Do you said there's different kinds right of what Detroit?
Yeah, Detroit style style. It's like a square like a squared type of pizza
Yeah, and then you have deepest Chicago where it's deep deep deep deep deep deep
Yeah
And what I'm saying is that do people go in,
like was there a guy in Detroit that was like,
I don't like it, circle.
Yeah, I'm sure he was an immigrant,
moved there and decided to change the style.
I wanna do square.
That's interesting to me.
I love that.
Yeah, I do too.
You know who these kind of people are?
People like Bobby Lee.
People who break the mold,
people who go against the grain, who swim upstream,
who don't just do what everyone's doing.
They challenge the ideals that are put out
in America right now, play some really inspirational music.
They challenge the ideals of what's happening in the world
because most of them are antiquated bullshit.
Badabum badabing.
And badabum badabing.
I'm here, I'm here in Los Angeles,
I'm a fucking pizza maker.
Well, welcome to the city of Kamlo. You wanna open up a restaurant? I have a fucking idea of my own. What kind of restaurant? I'm a fucking pizza maker. Well welcome to the City Council. How you doing?
You want to open up a restaurant?
I have a fucking idea.
What kind of restaurant?
I'm from Italy.
Oh you're from Italy?
Yeah.
Where you from?
Appleback.
Applebee's out back in Italy?
Yes.
You're from Applebee, Italy?
Applebee out back in the garden.
He's from Chile, Italy.
How you doing?
What kind of restaurant do you want to open? Pizza place. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm's from Chile, Italy. How you doing? Badabum, badabum, okay.
What kind of restaurant you want to go?
I'm gonna tell you, I'm pizza place,
are you fucking kidding me?
I'm right over here, man.
I'm over here, man.
You're over here, I'm over here.
Hey, how you doing?
All right, how you doing?
I'm just looking for pizza, man.
All right.
All right.
I'm gonna tell you something about welcome from my family.
Okay?
We take a very large pepperoni.
Very large.
Is this Sebastian Menescalco?
Is that what you're doing?
No, no, I'm not.
No, I'm doing, I'm a fucking done.
Sorry, sir, you take it, yeah.
You got it, right?
Got it.
Check this out, my friend.
I'm checking.
Right, right?
Well, and then we put the breading on it.
Oh.
It reverse, right?
So I put chunks of bread on this gigantic pepperoni.
So it's like a calzone.
No, but it's, no, because the pepperoni is exposed.
It's fucking exposed, my friend.
So you haven't just pizza.
Like your guts, if I fucking kill you in the desert,
you put our fucking exposure guts in the fucking vultures.
I don't want any harm, pal.
Fucking piece of shit.
I don't want no problems.
I'll fucking jab you with a fucking pizza
with your fucking eye, bitch.
So wait, you're proposing a pizza with just bread
I like it. Yeah. Yeah. Here's a million with the cheese with with the cheese
inside the bread bits
Check it out my friend and then you know what?
You think I know what you?
I know what you're fucking saying right now to me right now
I know what you're fucking saying right now to me right now. My friend, I'm gonna tell you something right now.
Portobello mushroom.
Very good.
A gigantic one. So it captures the juices.
Right? So you put the pepperoni, right?
In the portobello. Gigantic portobello, right?
And you've got the bread chunks with the cheese inside.
The fucking fucking thing, man.
The fucking onions, the pepperoni, the pepperoni, the cheese inside the fucking fucker thing man the fucking onion pepperon
sausage
We think my friend
Are you gonna buy a bite you gonna bite I think you're never gonna make it that's fucking rude what that fucking rude
No, he doesn't believe in your business. It's flawed.
It's flawed, I know.
Halfway through, I was like,
I don't even know where I,
Yeah, what?
Where you keep going.
It was awesome, but I was very confused.
You just keep going, you know?
Sometimes you keep going.
Yeah, and everyone, the world stops.
You know what?
And can I tell you something?
I'll stop the world and melt with you.
Let me ask you something about, I'll stop the world and melt with you. Let me ask you something about Austin.
I'll stop the world and melt with you.
What a great song.
So good.
So good.
Let me ask you something.
When we go to Austin, what day is our thing?
Friday. Friday.
We leave tomorrow night.
Yeah, Friday.
Friday we have to do a thing.
During the day?
Saturday.
Nothing.
Well, Saturday I guess we can say it
because it'll have already happened when this comes out.
We're doing pop inin special headliner shows
at Rogan's Club.
Two shows.
I didn't know that.
We are.
You and I are gonna do stand-up.
Yeah.
Oh, that's great.
You didn't know it?
You proposed it to me.
You said you wanted to do new material shows there.
Do you not remember this?
I wanna do that.
You literally said, let's do new material shows.
Let's do it, let's do it, let's do it.
That was your proposal.
Let's do it.
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
You were like, I didn't know that.
I called Adam E.
Hey!
There he is. What are you doing when your fucking organ's exposed? Yeah, very good. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard you were like I didn't know that I called Adam
Yeah, very good
With my fucking family fucking how long how good did it feel to watch her berate McCone though did that feel good at Least dude when I brought that up though loved it
In the beginning though it was like what the fuck is he doing?
Yeah, yeah, you don't have a shot
Hey listen to the Don when he's talking
Your name would be Don Wong
Hey the Don Wong. Don Wong, my friend. Hey, the Don Wong. He's my friend, my other Don friend.
Go ahead, tell him about it.
I really hate this impression.
Fucking terrible. Why?
It's terrible. I love it.
It's so bad. It's so interesting.
It's so bad.
This guy.
You don't like it?
You don't like it?
I like it.
You don't like it? You don't like it? I like it. I like it. You don't like it?
You don't like it?
You don't like it?
I like it.
Dude, honestly though, no joke, a mafia movie
where it's very serious and deep and dark
and they bring him in the room and they meet you.
Yeah, oh my gosh.
Doing that.
Yeah, yeah.
I fucking lose my shit.
If it's a dead serious where it's like,
everybody, we called a meeting
because we want to have a conversation.
The Don would like to talk to you someone else is like what
did I do to the done I didn't do nothing I've done look he just wants to speak
with you for five minutes one opens the door it's you with a hot rod bright
orange hat on like this you look just like this
yeah no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no I'm gonna be a good friend.
Thank you for being a good friend. I'm out.