Bad Friends - Mariachi Birthday
Episode Date: April 1, 2024Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: ZocDoc, Morgan & Morgan, Liquid Death & Manscaped • ZocDoc...: Find and book top rated doctors at https://www.zocdoc.com/badfriends • Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information go to https://ForThePeople.com/badfriends or dial Pound LAW (Pound 529) from your cell phone. This is a paid advertisement. • Liquid Death: Go to https://liquiddeath.com/badfriends and check their healthy infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closer retailer + free shippping. • Manscaped: Get 20% and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com code: BADFRIENDS Watch Eleanor Kerrigan's Special "No Country For Old Woman" on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZE8P7d-jyA YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Andrew's Tour Dates 0:41 The Bull & The Matador 4:20 Bobby's New Tattoos 13:37 The Mariachi Band 19:46 Bobby Opens Up to Fancy 27:47 A Brutally Honest Truth Game 38:57 Bobby's Man Crush 49:57 A Special Guest Joins The Show 55:54 Eleanor Kerrigan Special is Out on Netflix 1:01:40 Andrew Dice Clay At The SAG Awards More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This episode contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends #sponsored #ads Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Hey, everybody!
My best friend in the whole world.
Me!
Andrew's going on tour.
He's headlining, doing new jokes, working out.
That's right.
He's going to be at the Houston Improv.
That's going to sell out immediately.
It already is.
All right.
Tampa, Funny Bone.
Yes.
Phoenix, Arizona. Nashville, Tennessee.
Addison Improv in Dallas.
Dallas, Texas, and finally in San Francisco, California.
Cobbs Comedy Club.
We've got Cobbs.
We added two more shows for Cobbs.
Oh, exciting stuff.
And we added for Dallas.
Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
Andrewsantino.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
Woo-hoo.
White dude and Asian dude.
Woo-hoo. You two are disgusting. and Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
What do bulls sound like?
Yeah, dig in. Who's my little bull?
Who's my little bull?
Look, oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red.
Oh look it's red. Oh look it's red. Oh look it's red. Oh look it's red. Oh That's more dog. That's more dog. That's more dog. Well. What?
Today.
Yes.
Is Fancy B's birthday.
Yes, very good.
Feliz cumpleaños aquí.
Aquí, very good, very good.
No, you can't do the Italian gangster every time.
Why?
Because we're in Spain.
It's a new character I've been doing.
Do a Spanish gangster.
Hey, how you doing?
Do a Spanish gangster.
Señor. Señor, I was Spanish gangster. Eh, senor. Senor, I am Spanish gangster, my friend.
Exactly.
Senor, you know where the refried greens are?
But do the face.
Hey, senor, do you know where the greens are?
You know where the refried greens are, like the guacamole.
Senor.
What's that?
Senor.
I don't like what you're doing with the eyes, Quinny.
Senor.
OK, let me try.
Right? Looks the try. Right?
Looks the same.
As what?
Signore.
Say, signore.
Signore.
Signore.
Very good.
That's an Asian Spanish bull.
That is?
Signore, welcome to the bull house.
No, that's not.
There's a Fernando Wong.
Signore, welcome to the carousel.
What's the word?
The ring that they-
Huh?
In the bull ring?
Yeah, yeah.
Did you get what you wanted, Fancy, for your birthday?
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, man.
How old are you?
I'm 44.
I am 44.
What happened at 44?
What happens in Spanish culture at 44?
You have to be brutally honest with the people you're with.
Go ahead then, pal.
What are you doing?
You taking it off?
It's just so hot.
Come on, man.
No, just this.
I'm going to unbutton and then put the hat back on.
Okay.
Like this.
Good boy.
Look at this.
Senor.
Senor.
Senor.
Yeah, what's up?
What happens at 44?
Anything special?
Oh, no. Do you remember your 44th birthday my any many moon ago?
When I was a full day
What are you dressed as cool pants
Go sit in your regular chair
That's a place complete on your sanders
Wow, did you bring Taco Bell for him?
Yeah, because he hates Mexicans.
Oh, yay!
He hates Mexicans!
Jules is back, baby. Jules is in the house.
Jules is back.
And Jules, what do you got there? What is that?
Is this...
Oh, that's España.
That's a great shirt.
That's a great shirt. Put it on.
Just put it on top of the shirt you're wearing right now. OK.
Is this Ronaldo?
Turn off your phone.
I'm sorry.
Is this Ronaldo?
Is this Ronaldo?
You know that Ronaldo, but you know that he's Portuguese,
right?
Oh, sorry.
So it's not Ronaldo.
OK.
Are you wearing a tie?
Yeah, that's what Macon gave me. Oh, that is nice. Good job, McCone.
Rudy Jules, welcome back to the show. It's been a long time. It's good off for the root is finally back
in the house, baby. How do you feel? I feel okay. I got my brows microbladed.
Ooh, let's see. This is my first tattoo.
Move them. Nice.
Nice.
Wow.
You know, talk about tattoos, next Wednesday I'm getting two.
Really?
I'm gonna get a Comedy Store logo.
Oh, that's smart.
Why?
Why?
I mean, that's smart.
I'm gonna get a, I already made the appointment.
I'm gonna get a Comedy Store logo.
I'm gonna get four.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so I'm gonna get get a co I already made the appointment. I'm going to get a Comedy Store logo. I'm going to get four. Okay. So I'm going to get the Comedy Store logo.
I'm going to get, um, Alfre Newman from mad TV.
Yeah.
What's the connection?
I was on the show.
You were on the acting.
Is that what happened?
Let's say it again.
Wait, wait, well done.
I mean, honestly, you step on my step on my comment to him. It's like, I know it's your birthday. All right, let's say it again. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. I mean, honestly, I don't want you to step on my comment to him.
I know it's your birthday.
All right, let's let him have it.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
You know what?
I'll let you have all the digs you want today, dude, because it's your birthday, and I won't
fucking fight back.
Okay.
So go ahead, get me.
I'm ugly.
No, are you giving up acting with all those tattoos?
Yes, I am.
I'm giving up acting. all those tattoos. Yes, I am. I'm giving up acting.
You feel good?
Yeah.
Oh, is that your birthday wish that he stops acting?
Yes.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because, oh, I'm gonna get a Bad Friends one.
Are you really?
Yeah, I'm gonna get the cartoon of our logo thing, that.
You're getting that on your body.
But what if you guys break up?
It doesn't matter.
We've done enough.
It's a point in his life.
It's a point in my life where I've done enough
so if he betrays me, he will betray me.
You will betray me.
In what way?
Well, I'll tell you this, man.
I was fucking scrolling on my fucking Instagram
and I saw you in a scene with your movie with Cena
and William H. Macy and Zach.
You look, your acting is so good.
But I realized, I go, this is just the beginning for you.
Of what?
Of superstardom.
Nobody's calling.
I'm gonna get betrayed.
Nobody's calling.
I'm gonna get betrayed, but I'm gonna say this, right?
I'm gonna get the tattoo so it reminds me.
Okay.
So when I'm in the crack house,
eight years from now, right? And I'm just like, the tattoo so it reminds me. OK. So when I'm in the crack house, eight years from now, right.
And I'm just like, you know, I mean, I used to I used to I used to be somebody.
You know, I had a dream, kid, you know.
You're you're you're roping off.
I'm roping it on. You're doing H and so right.
And right when I'm roping it off, where the needle is, someone's in there with you
and they're like, hey, man, who is that on your arm?
I mean, what are you talking about, man?
What is that on your arm? Are you done sucking my dick talking about, man? What is that on your arm, man?
Are you done sucking my dick, man?
Yeah.
OK, finish my dick, man.
You got it.
Done?
Yeah.
Oh, fucks so good, dude.
Thanks.
Anyway, dude.
Oh, I've been well, I guess.
Hey, what's that tattoo on your arm?
I have teeth, but I'm going to do the same to you.
No, I have no teeth.
I know.
But I'm going to do the same to you.
What's that?
You want me to give you a gummy?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're gonna get a Bad Friends tattoo,
a Comedy Store tattoo.
Alfred E. Newman.
Alfred E. Newman.
And a tiger belly.
Jesus.
That's a lot.
I know.
What does tiger belly look like?
It's just a font, I'm just gonna do a font thing.
Right.
I'm not gonna put a face or anything.
Tiger belly one though, you should.
Do like the ink that goes away, you know?
Oh, you mean?
Oh, henna.
Yeah, do henna.
You want me to henna it?
Get a henna tattoo.
Yeah, maybe I'll henna it.
No, I think that's, who's doing them?
All the same person?
Yeah.
Who's the man or woman?
You want it, you care to share?
Yeah, okay, I mean, I'll tell you her name real quick.
Her name is, I'll tell you why I'm doing it,
because I had, I went to my AA meeting,
oh, that's her name, Kogla, Kogla Cha,
and she does little tiny ones.
Little tiny tattoos.
They're tiny, so you can barely see them.
What gave you the inspiration?
Because I was having, you know,
sometimes you fellowship after an AA meeting.
You know about that, Carlos, back in the day, right?
So afterwards, my sponsor was like,
hey, come eat with us, and normally I don't, but I did. And there was a girl that comes back in the day, right? So afterwards my sponsor was like, hey come eat with us.
And normally I don't, but I did.
And there was a girl that comes to my A-meeting,
she's a comic, and she had little tiny tattoos on her body.
And I went, oh those look cool,
because they really did look cool.
Their little, what?
That's trending right now, the little ones.
Yeah, their little ones.
So I'm just getting little ones on my body.
What are you doing? What is the tiny tattoo called?
Is this kind of it?
Yeah, those like-
Well, look up Cogla-Cha.
That's her.
That's her Cogla-Cha?
Yeah, that's her shit.
Celebrity tattoos.
So she does very famous people?
Yeah, some.
Interesting.
They're tiny little ones.
They're like tiny ones like that.
Oh, that is cool.
Look at how small that is.
They're small. And that's a constellation, I imagine, huh, of a ones like that. Oh, that is cool. Look at how small they are. They're small.
And that's a constellation, I imagine, huh?
Of a broken home.
Is that what that is?
Or it's a house made out of stars.
We look at things differently.
I like this, the tattoo under the tit.
That's a really popular thing I see.
That's like a tattoo, right?
That's a big thing.
And she does a little pokey ones.
Oh, poke tattoos is cool.
Yeah, so they're small, they're not prevalent. Someone's gotta get four of them.
Right, just in case.
What do you think?
I think it's a great idea.
Would you ever get a bad friend's tattoo?
No.
I would never get a tattoo.
Why would I defile?
You don't have any tattoos, do you, Andrew?
You don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.
Yeah, that's true.
No, I don't have, you know what it is?
I talked to someone two nights ago at the Comedy Store about Store about this literally I had this conversation in the green room
You sweating bud. I'm so hot. Yeah, just take off the sleeves then at this point. I mean the joke is over
The joke is over. Thank you so much. I'm so just undo the sleeves, but leave the bottoms
Oh, well good boy, and you're wearing a long sleeve. Yeah, that's always so hot roll up your there you go
Are we good? Who did I talk to I talked to somebody at the Comedy Store a couple of nights ago about tattoos.
Oh, Justine Moreno just got new tattoos.
Oh, cupcakes.
She got, I think so.
She just makes cupcakes.
She makes cupcakes?
Yeah, no.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yeah, she just makes cupcakes.
Oh, maybe she does.
But then she was talking to me about why don't I get tattoos.
I said, I genuinely couldn't tell you what I would want.
I have no, I don't know.
Like, I just don't know. what I would want. I have no, I don't know. Like, I just don't know.
And what would be my first one?
Oh, maybe.
I think maybe retro.
I'd get like a Chinese symbol because I think that's out.
Yeah.
Like right here on the neck.
I'd write Bobby Lee in Chinese on my neck.
Yeah.
Or on my, on my lower back.
Like a tramp stamp, Bobby Lee in Chinese.
I used to hate white chicks that get them.
Why?
Because in the nineties they would get them, but these are women, these white chicks,
they would never fuck an Asian guy,
but they'll get the symbol.
Right.
Like I'm fucking, you know what I mean, not racist,
you know what I mean, but then it's just like,
I think back then-
And then it's like, can I insert?
And they're like, no.
No, that was them showing they are racist.
That's why they got it.
Oh.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Down with the Chinese.
That's what they're saying on their arm. That's what it says on the- That's what it said it. Oh. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Down with the Chinese. That's what they're saying on their arm.
That's what it says on the-
That's what it said.
I didn't know.
I want to get a Chinese symbol.
I want to get a butterfly.
I should get all the tattoos from back when we were young.
Your dog.
Make a picture of your dog.
I would get a picture of my dog on my body.
I saw a dog today that looked exactly like my dog.
Your dog.
Because I've traveled with your dog.
Great traveler.
May I say something? Great traveler. It's like fucking Magellan, your dog cuz I've traveled with your dog Great traveler may I say something great traveler?
What are you it's like fucking Magellan your dog? What do you mean? I mean, that's how he travels she but thank you whatever
Don't don't misgender my dog
Are you being kidding right now call are you me kidding right my dog is they them are you making me right now?
It's a girl. I've told you that a thousand times at this point who gives a fuck I do
All right, I'm sorry for misgendering your dog. Have I ever done that to your dogs. Okay. What's Gobi Gobi's a guy?
No, it's a girl
It's a girl so fuck you dude. Gobi's a girl. Yes, dude
Yeah, she's butch
She's a little butch. Yeah, she's a little butch dude when she isn't she like the leader of a softball league or something
Yes, Gobi's a star of a softball team.
Yes, yeah.
Wow.
Doesn't your dog drive a Subaru?
Yeah.
Wow.
Anyway, your dog, Magellan, was just like so calm on a plane.
Not a bark.
Not even a, oh.
No, no, nothing.
Nothing.
She would look up at me.
Although her first look at is always like, don't eat me.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I think she's a little racist.
I think she's a little racist.
Well, you know, there's flashbacks.
I'm sure that's in her DNA.
I see.
But she'll at first, and she's, oh no, he's the good kind.
Exactly.
Am I a good Asian?
You are one of the best Asians.
On the other hand.
Yeah.
Not so good.
Yeah, do you treat our dogs?
Cause you know, you live with my dog.
Don't ever do that with-
Do you ever see the dogs in the house
when you're alone with the dogs?
Do you ever see them and you lick your lips a little bit?
No, I don't.
And you go, no, I can't, I can't.
I wanna say something to you right now
and I wasn't even gonna fucking mention it to you.
What? Your comforter. No, I can't I can't I want to say something to you right now And I wasn't even gonna fucking mention it to it your butt your
Comforter no not my comforter dude. Okay. All right. I
Know that a guy was over at the house
That somebody's seeing all right and you had a guy you had a boy over no
Somebody else had a guy over right in this guy. Okay, he disciplined Julio. Did he not he did?
Discipline him he grabbed his neck in a power move in a power move. Yeah, I don't like this
I don't like it at all either my friend. What's going on? What is going on around town?
Okay, explain I'm gonna explain Julio is crazy and likes to murder anyone that he sees okay
It's a guard dog crazy and likes to murder anyone that he sees. Okay. Stop, stop, stop.
It's a guard dog.
It's, thank you!
It's a guard dog.
It's doing its job.
It's guarding.
And also, does he go crazy with you?
No.
Does he go crazy with Kalyla?
Strangers, he goes.
Does he go crazy, because he, what I love about him,
he knows what he likes.
When he goes to 31 flavors, Baskin Robbins, right?
Pistachio, whatever the-
No, always pistachio. whatever the fucking flavor, right?
Wow
Wow I love this! Wow! Wow!
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay! I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a
I'm a little bit of a I'm a little bit of a That's a good
Happy birthday birthday fans fancy's birthday
Yeah, a mucho gracias amigo can we play happy birthday for him yeah, yeah, let's do a happy birthday
Oh that's a smart, I know this one. Happy birthday to you! I know this one.
Happy birthday, DeAndre!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday, little fancies!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you
Hey, hey
Hey, my boy
Feliz Navidad
Wait, hold on
Wait, hold on, okay
Feliz Navidad
Hey, hey
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Ah I wanna wish you a merry Christmas Please stop it. I
Merry Christmas, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom
You are man
Just do it up. It means you a merry Christmas from the bottom
of my heart
Please stop me now
Well, he's not hey hey hey hey
Oh
All right, all right, I'm more, I'm more. So good.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Carlos.
Amazing.
Incredible.
Thank you so much.
Very talented.
You guys are amazing.
Thank you so much.
Wonderful.
Amazing.
Wonderful. We are going to get kicked out of this building.
I think so.
There's no way our neighbors like us anymore.
We should move.
We should move.
I think we should move.
It's time for an upgrade.
Yeah.
I got to tell you, I'm recharged.
I'm re-energized.
I'm happy now.
I'm worn out.
I'm worn out.
Really?
When I sing like that from my heart, dude, I get worn out.
You look like you took a flight of stairs.
It's like Karaoke.
Police now.
What? What? You're okay of stairs. Are you like karaoke?
What what you're okay, yeah, what's your okay? Yeah karaoke karaoke. Oh karaoke. Oh
Is that how you karaoke yeah Wow, I'm confused have you ever karaoke with that family? No. Don't.
I will not.
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I love you on the thing.
You know what I mean?
You're a big star, dude, great actor.
I'm so proud to work with you.
I'll cut it out, will you?
Can I just give a couple minutes?
And I have to, and let's just do this right now.
I want to talk about just the fun feelings I have for Andreas.
May I give you my little monologue fun feelings I have for Andreas.
May I give you my little monologue, if I may?
Please.
I met you many, many years ago at Maker Studios
and you directed me in a video.
Yes.
Right?
Bobby Lee, what was it?
Bobby Lee, the emperor of the world.
I never saw, did that turn out well?
It turned out very bubbly.
Not good.
Exactly.
We tried, you know what I mean?
And then years later, I didn't see you
and then you started working with us at Tiger Belly
and then you came on to the best.
A dark point in your career.
Yeah.
Yeah, dark, yeah.
Low.
And I have to say, it's just been, I trust you, And then you came on to the best. A dark point in your career. Yeah. Yeah, dark, yeah. Low.
And I have to say, it's just been,
I trust you, I think, more than anyone else I work with.
You're very on point.
And I'm just, it's a pleasure to know you.
I really love you a lot.
My turn.
Happy birthday.
Thank you.
My turn.
Go ahead.
I don't really know what you do here,
but I guess you do good. Thank you, Andrew. Go ahead, Rudy.
That's it? No, no. I'll give you-
Be real. He knows.
Yeah. You know how much I love you. I text you often. I tell you how much I appreciate you. I fight for you. I
think you are such a valuable member of our team.
Irreplaceable.
You mean the world to me, and I'm happy that you're a part of my life. And I've got you
a little gift here. Here's a gift card. McCone, come get this.
From me too, right?
No, it's just from me.
No, because you called me yesterday. You go, how much should I do?
No, that's fucked up. That's just from me. No, because you called me yesterday. You go, how much did I do?
No, that's fucked up.
That's just from me.
Did you not call me yet?
No, I'm sorry.
Andreas, he called me yesterday, right?
And I go, we are getting a gift card for Andreas from Apple.
Yeah?
And I said how much, and you said $25.
Can I give you the fucking text right now?
How could you text?
You said it was a phone call.
It was a phone call. Stories are all mixed up, baby.
It was a phone call.
No, I think you texted it.
$25, but look, that'll get you a cube for the wire.
You won't get a wire, but you'll get the cube for the wall.
Thank you, I needed that.
But happiest of the birthdays.
No, that's for $500.
Oh.
Well, that's good, right?
You can get something for me.
And by the way, don't think you're getting anything
like that for your birthday.
Yeah, yeah.
Pal. Yeah.
And then what is this bag out in front of us there?
It's from Pete.
That's from Big Petey Pete.
Yeah, he wanted a.
But he's, he wanted to give it to Fancy
or give it to Bobby.
Fancy.
Go ahead, Bobby, open it.
Okay.
Thank you.
This is Fancy's gift from Pete.
And if I, let me, if I like it, can I keep it?
Yes.
Okay, good.
That makes perfect sense.
Should I read the letter?
Yeah, read it out loud from Pete.
Oh shit, here we go. Can I do it in one of my characters, my new characters though?
Wait, can I read it first like Pete?
You want this one or you want mafia?
Yeah, do the mafia.
Okay.
You really think this is taken off, huh? It's amazing., you're buying what I'm working in I'm working on the guy I'm into it I like it
Dear fancy
There is they put the mother a you love or Tia
Eres de puta madre y la hostia.
I hope these games remind you of the motherland. Happy birthday.
Very good.
Can I see the card?
Yeah, go ahead.
I'd like to read it.
Can you do this guy?
I like this guy.
My British guy?
Yeah, but when you do the, yeah, that guy.
They're fancy.
Yeah, I like this. Eres de yeah, that guy. Dear Fancy,
everything put in my great, whiny ooster. I'm here too.
I hope these gifts remind you to motherland.
Happy birthday, Pete.
Let me read it in Pete's language.
Oh, good you can't know, so good boy.
Good boy.
Oh yeah.
Oh.
Hope your birthday is the best in the galaxy. This is really sweet. I'm it's not cool that we're opening up your shit
But that's that's how it goes. All right, let's open the gift from Pete. Okay
So I got what did you get I
Got this Columbus
May I see sure yeah, yeah
Very cool. Yeah, huh you know what dude. I don't want it. I don't want it. You can have it. Okay, okay?
All right, so everybody so Columbus you don't want come from okay? You got a cold double decker taco
Oh, it's a brain decker. I can already tell I don't want it. So here you go. Is that from your bag? Yeah. Oh my god, so pathetic
What else is in there and?
This one I might keep and I'll tell you why what I don't have one. What is it?
And I've always wanted one. I don't know where to buy it, but I've always wanted one integrity
No, not integrity.
What is it?
What do you find in hotel rooms?
What do I find in hotel room?
Yeah.
When I first walk in?
No, but the thing that you go to-
Oh, the swans on the bed made of-
No, no, no. When we both go to hotel rooms, there's one thing we go to and we love it
and it makes us feel at home and we get to see our father.
A robe. No.
A phone.
No.
Well then why the fuck did you do this?
A Bible.
A Bible.
God bless.
May I read?
You don't know much about it.
Really?
I can tell you from-
Corinthians 4, 6-8.
I can tell you, I can even-
And thou dost not sleepeth with another maneth.
Yeah, yeah.
Nor painteth their naileth.
I can literally point to a chapter that I like and show you one that's this one right
here.
Go ahead.
Here we go.
Holy nations.
God bless the Holy Bible.
And I don't want to defame this, by the way, for people that think we're making jokes.
It's a great book.
One of the best books ever written.
Ever written.
Number one bestseller.
Bestseller. Number one bestseller number one bestseller of all time
Is this the only thing that he got him? That's it the shirt Columbus shirt. That's it and the Bible
Yeah, we gave you fucking five hundred dollars. What were we thinking? I know we could have gotten away with like 50
I know you have any plans on that by the way
We asked your beautiful wife what we should get you and she said he's very hard to buy for
So I said you'll get him a gift card. I'll give him some cash. Please give him some cash. That's what he wants more than anything. Here you go, buddy. Thank you. Happy
birthday, man. Go get a sandwich or something, you know? Thank you, Bobby. If you pocket it, okay.
McCone, did you pocket that money you were supposed to give to the mariachi band?
I swear I didn't. Swear on what? Come over here.
I swear that I didn't. You're blocking my camera.
Oh, you know what?
This is great.
This is great.
He's on the picture.
Put your hand on the Bible.
Okay.
You believe in God, right?
Do you believe in the Bible?
One hand on your heart, by the way, has to be on your heart and the Bible.
Look at me right now.
Okay.
You have your hand on the Bible.
Do you like Andrew more than me?
Oh my God.
We can do this all day with him.
No, keep it on the Bible.
Keep it on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep it on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is great.
This is great.
No, no.
Keep your hand on your heart.
This is great.
Do you think Andrew has more talent than me?
Yes.
Oh my God.
We should have always had a Bible in this room.
Do you think Andrew's better looking than me?
Yes.
Oh my god.
Ha ha ha ha.
Um, will you cry harder for Andrew if he died than me?
No.
Good.
That's good.
You would cry the same.
Maybe I cry a little more for you.
Look at that.
Why?
Because of sadness.
Like empathy for me.
How sad my life is.
Because you're broken.
Because I'm broken
Yeah, I don't know that's even worse. That's even worse cry more for him. That's even worse
Please don't even shed a tear cuz I don't fucking need it for me. You fucking bastard. You're a fucking cocksucker, huh?
Hey, no, I don't know. Oh, yeah the Bible's on the Bible right there, right?
Do you have any cook? Yeah truthful go ahead
This is great remember when you fuck on the bus?
Oh my God.
Yeah, you did.
Because we caught you.
I remember one night.
Hold on.
Did you or did you not have sex on the bus?
Your hand is on the Bible.
Okay, what are we constituting as?
Blowjob.
Bus is the theme with wheels.
I knew it.
I knew it.
So you hooked up with a stranger on the bus and you got a blowjob.
Was I in the bus?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Your hand is on the Bible. Was somebody on the bus? Bobby was sleeping on the bus. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no But did you eat her own? Fairness. Did you, did you reciprocate?
Of course.
Okay.
What?
Put your, keep your hand there.
Keep your hand on the Bible,
don't take it away from the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
We should do this with everybody.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
Jules?
Rudy?
Give her the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
Give her the Bible.
Just give it to her, give it to her, give it to her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And put your hand on it please, thank you.
Hand on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
He's sweating. Yeah, yeah, and put your hand on it, please Thank you hand on the Bible. Yeah
You were sweating your ass up, you know, can I be honest with you dude that was dude I want to say this I know you love him more
No, I know
I'll tell you why not true. There was a point when we first met where I liked him more, with McCone more,
but because he was getting so much love from both of us,
I had to be the bad guy.
Right, so I love you so much, I really do,
but I choose to treat you in a certain way
because you can't have it all.
I understand.
You understand that.
Like when you lost your headphones,
I got you a headphone, I mean I care about you, you know what I mean? No, no, really, that I was like, yeah. when you lost your headphones week. I got you had I mean I care about you
You know I mean, but but that's it don't but don't make stop
But don't let it confuse that I don't love you cuz I deeply love you
So when you you know when you looked at me in the eyes, you love him more it hurt a little bit
But but I get it all right, but I fucking you know what I'm gonna
You know what my goal from now on is to get more love
from you.
Okay.
Interesting.
I'll give you more love.
No, I don't want it.
You know he gave away those AirPods.
I know they did.
That's what, see, that's what I'm saying.
He found his original pair.
The idiot didn't even lose them.
Kind of like the time that you thought
you left your car keys at the casino
and they were in your fucking backpack.
Yeah.
Dumb guy alert, bing, bing, bing, raise your hand
if you're a dumb guy.
The way he treats you, I would never say something like that.
He knows what's underneath it.
Okay, Jules, go ahead.
He knows what's underneath it, my little brother.
Put your hand on the, right?
One on your heart, your hand on your heart.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, if you have one.
Do you love me more than you love Andrew?
Oh.
I mean, I know the answer. I'm not even
holding the bottle. Yeah go ahead. Just say it. That's gotta be a yes.
Yes.
Of course. Yeah yeah yeah.
Um.
Out of the three.
Oh this is hard. Oh no
God is watching. God's watching.
Out of those three who do you love the most?
Andres.
Yeah. The second.
But you-
God.
God, God, God, God.
God's watching.
Carlos.
Right.
And McCone's the third.
Does McCone give you the creeps?
No.
Okay.
Does Carlos give you the creeps?
No.
Does Andres give you the creeps? No. Does Andres give you the creeps?
No.
McCone, who's kind of your age, if he asked you on a date.
All right.
What?
Hands on the Bible, hands on the Bible, hands on the Bible.
If he asked you on a date, would you go on a date with McCone?
No.
If you were single?
If you're single.
You have a boyfriend?
Or do you not have a boyfriend anymore?
I still have a boyfriend. Yeah, but if you were... Single If you're single. You have a boyfriend. Or do you not have a boyfriend anymore? I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah, but if you were.
Single.
Yeah.
Okay. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Do you still like your boyfriend?
Yes.
You do?
That was fast.
Do you think you love him?
Yes.
Are you in love with him?
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
No, no, no, God doesn't accept mm-hmms.
Yes.
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
Do you view me, just, do you view me as a family member?
Yes.
Bob.
You know what's interesting about this?
It's Fancy's day, but we're really taking all the-
I know.
Really pulling all the focus.
It's not his show, fuck it.
Yeah, fuck it.
We got an El Mariachi, the flag.
Yeah, you got a flag, you got gifts.
Shut up, Fancy, stop begging.
This is great, this is great.
Keep your hand on there.
Yeah, hand on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Out of all of us in the room aside from my friend here, okay the ones that work here, right?
Just give me the person that you would be the least saddest that died. Oh my god
It doesn't matter it's not you still love the person but the least saddest. God's listening. God's listening.
No, I didn't say that. We already know who it is.
Uncle.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It's because I haven't known him.
Hey, hey, hey, hand on your heart.
Okay, no excuses for God.
God doesn't want excuses.
Yeah, you have any more questions or you're good?
Should we get Carlos here?
Yeah, Carlos.
I'm afraid he can't touch that Bible, that'll hurt. You might fucking melt.
Yeah.
What?
Come grab the Bible and let's give it to Carlos.
Yeah, give it to Carlos.
This is great. So much sweat.
You guys are all sweating in the Bible?
It is actually very interesting.
It's a good-
Well, you and I haven't done it.
Yeah, we will.
Okay, I wanna do it.
I won't have a chance. No, what are you, oh, there haven't done it. Yeah, we will. Okay, I wanna do it. I wanna have a chance.
But no, what are you, oh, there you go.
Carlos.
Right hand on the Bible.
Has there ever been a time where you wanted
to beat the shit out of me?
No.
Oh, wait.
Give me the Bible.
I got mad at you in Atlanta.
Yeah, but you wanted to beat the shit out of me?
No.
Okay.
Wait, why in Atlanta?
He was just like in a particularly bad mood that night
and it was like one of the
only times I've ever gotten mad at Bobby. All right. I hit you hard. I think in the back of
the head or something. I don't know. Did I come back and just smack in the head or something?
Yeah, I forget what happened. Okay. Okay. But you made it up. Take me to Waffle House. Yeah.
Thank you. Go ahead.
Have you been sober for the full 94 days?
Yes.
Yes.
He's the guy, I know.
Yeah.
Just kind of test him a little bit.
Have you had a glory hole recently?
No.
I looked up milking tables, but no glory hole.
Have you ever swallowed? God is also listening to the questions. I think you're okay with it. Okay. Okay both. Yeah, you're right. Have you ever swallowed?
Come okay. No your own come. Hmm
Yes
We've all tried it no
No, what do you you have in your life, have tried your own cup.
Give me the Bible.
Bring the Bible.
Never.
Bring the Bible.
Never have.
You know what, I don't wanna play this game.
I know what I'm, I already know what I'm playing this game.
I'm not playing it, I'm not playing it.
No, you have to.
I'm not playing it.
We all are.
Fuck no.
Fuck no, dude.
No, I never have.
Never.
Have you ever eaten your own boogers?
Never.
Ooh.
Hand of the Bible. Never. Wow. Never. Have you ever stuck your finger inogers? Never. Ooh. Hand of the Bible, never.
Wow.
Never.
Have you ever stuck your finger in between your butthole
and smelled it?
Big time.
You've done that?
Big time.
Very good, that's good.
Big time.
Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever touched another man's penis?
Only with my butt.
Excuse me?
No hands.
Okay.
I just.
But you.
No, no I never have.
You never have.
No I never have.
With your leg yes.
His penis with my leg yes.
You brushed your penis against my leg.
Yeah.
Yeah God saw that.
God saw that yeah.
God liked it.
I don't think so.
You gotta check that.
No I didn't.
Oh give it to me.
This is gonna be so hard. Are we gonna get, is this gonna be bad?
We're not, we're-
No, this is not, this is being truthful.
Can I tell you though?
What?
Big fan of this book.
It's a great book.
No, it is a really great book.
Some really good lessons in there,
some good life structure.
Bobby, hand on your heart.
I really do believe in God, so this is hard.
I do too.
I really do believe in God.
I believe in God, what do you mean?
Go ahead.
Who do you love in this room the most?
Jules
You're second you're just go second ask me second who's second you are
Who's the least?
Who I love it lead the least in the room oh
come on we know it's a hard one that is actually really hard I think it's a
really hard I think I know yes I think it's fancy it's not Carlos I think you're On his birthday. That's amazing, dude.
But it's so close.
You're so close, dude.
All right, go ahead.
You know what's funny? I tried to get you those
Dizidual shirts that you like so much. You know those stupid shirts you used to wear all the time
with a little bullshit on them?
We literally try. Oh, he's wearing one right now. That's a Dizidual shirt.
That's a well.
We what? That's a while. It's spelled Dizidual, right? No, that's a while. That's a desigual shirt? Desigual. What? Desigual? It's spelled desigual, right?
No, desigual.
Desigual?
Yeah.
We looked up Carlos and I to try to find where we could get these shirts.
They're all permanently closed.
There's no stores anywhere.
He's the only guy.
He's the only guy that we know that wears these shirts.
Wow.
They don't sell them anywhere.
We were trying to buy him a whole bunch of them.
You can't find them.
Yeah, they're not good.
Where do you get them from now?
Espana.
So you order them from Spain?
I go there and buy them there.
How much does that shirt cost, by the way?
I don't know, it's 140.
But the stores- Dollars?
In Spain, they're open in Spain, right?
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, that just shows how behind they are.
Are my hands burning?
So go ahead.
Hand on your heart then.
Okay.
Would you ever fuck a guy?
No. Okay, dude, hand on the Bible. No. Put your hand flat. No. There. Blowjob. No. Who?
A guy. Who?
Yeah, well it is- Give me a name. Give me a name. Yeah. Idris Ilba.
Tom Hardy. No, not Tom Hardy, no. Kiss, kiss. There's a new guy. There's a new kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss I would fuck Austin Butler out my hand on my Bible Liquid death you guys. I don't care what you think about
Water but I do because liquid death is the best water and done. Look at it right here
I I won't even go on time with no other water. Here's the deal. I love liquid death
I asked them to send us cans before they ever sponsor us because I love a tall boy
I want to walk with a tall boy and feel like a tall boy that I am.
It even makes Bobby a little bit taller.
He used to be five foot four.
Now he's five five after drinking Liquid Death.
Look, I'm five five right now, dude.
Mandatory disclaimer, Liquid Death will not make you any taller.
But Liquid Death is delicious.
They come in different flavors, sparkling lime, and my favorite is mango, mango, mango,
mango.
I love Liquid Death.
And Liquid Death does the best celebrity collabs,
like with Travis Barker and-
And Bad Friends.
Yeah.
How about Bad Friends?
Yeah, Bad Friends.
You can get free shipping of Liquid Death's Mountain Water
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Go to liquiddeath.com slash Bad Friends
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That's liquid death comm slash bad friends liquid death comm slash bad friends
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Yeah, yeah.
Oh my god, I'll fuck, suck your, I'll suck your butt.
Why do you think he's so-
You have no chance.
No chance.
Yeah, you're not his style.
You know what's so funny?
No chance.
Here's why you just said that.
Because I said that I love you the least.
And I'm going to be on my hand in the Bible, dude.
It's so close, I can't even, you know what I mean?
Yeah, it's so close.
I like, I love all three of you.
Who's the second to the last?
Of who I love?
McCone.
It goes you, me, Carlos, McCone.
Yeah, exactly in that order.
It's not hard. Because I've known me Carlos McComb. Yeah exactly in that order. It's not hard
Because I've known Carlos for so long. Yeah, you know, I love I feel you know empathy for him
There's a sadness about him that I just root for you know, it's in his eyes. Yeah, are we done with this part?
Yeah, but be nice to it
Thank you. Can I have it? Yeah, go ahead. Do you want this? Oh, you left some gook on it? Yeah
That where the word comes from what you left some gook on it. Yeah. I think we should leave it here.
Is that where the word comes from?
You left some gook on this.
That's where gook comes from.
You left a little bit of gook on that.
You want to say gook?
Go ahead, just say it.
No, it's gook.
It's gook.
We know gook.
It's a Midwest term.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You left some gook on this.
Yeah, I did.
You gooked up my Bible, didn't you?
I did gook out up.
You know? How, you know?
How have you been?
We haven't seen you in so long. How have you actually been? I've been good. Just...
Well, she has to go back to redo your-
Oh, yeah.
You might-
For my visa.
She might not come back.
Seriously?
Yeah.
Thanks to colonization, here's how Filipinos can become Spanish citizens in just two years.
Do you want to join Spain?
Well, yeah. You would become Spanish? Yeah, like their language
is so hot to me. Like I just want to fuck everyone. Okay. Jesus. No, you don't know.
She does. I can I be honest with you? I don't need the Bible for this. You've expressed some things to me about women.
Yes. Yeah, and.
And I think that you, I think you may prefer them.
Okay, I'll still fuck Spanish women.
Yeah. Okay.
They do have women there.
I know they do.
They have men and women there.
Yeah.
Not just effeminate men like Fancy.
They have men and real women.
They have beautiful women there.
Gorgeous, stunning.
Unbelievable. Big butts. And I like them, I cannot lie. They have beautiful women there. Gorgeous, stunning, unbelievable.
Big butts.
And I like them, I cannot lie.
I love the big ones.
Cannot lie, I like them.
I like flat ones.
Really?
Why not?
You got a little, I like a good shitter.
I think you gotta have a nice shitter.
Flat's fine.
Now you gotta have a nice thick butt.
Because now we're excluding so many Asians. Well, it's easier for you to get in from the back, That's fine. Now you gotta have a nice thick butt. Because now we're excluding so many Asians.
Well it's easier for you to get in from the back,
that's why.
God, that hurts so bad.
Well it's true.
It's just.
Too much of a barrier, you can't fuck a big butt girl.
You'll never get there, you'll never get there.
But I can try.
Your dick will be whispering at it.
Is it better with big butts?
Sex?
Yeah.
Big butts are the best.
You can hold on to them.
But do they also grip the dick?
Yes they do.
Yes they do.
They do.
So you remember that guy that got his hand caught in the fucking canyon and he died or
he chopped his hand off?
You mean 127 hours?
Yeah, yeah.
That's going to be my dick and a big butt?
Yeah, that's right.
You'll have to cut it off.
You hear me?
Cut it off.
I can't get there.
You'll have to slice it off.
Fancy, do you remember, what's your most memorable birthday?
What's a great birthday memory?
I think exactly 10 years ago, George and the guys took me to the desert and
We did a huge party there with a lot of my friends
Was there mushrooms and acid involved? Yes. Did you do drugs? I did do drugs. What did you do?
I
Forgotten the cactus then the what are you Oscar? I?
Don't know. Is that the- Peyote?
Peyote.
Oh, Peyote.
You did Peyote.
Who had Peyote in your group?
George.
It's gotta be George.
What is his deal?
Because you know he has chickens and eggs.
Yeah, I know.
He does all that.
Peyote, eggs.
He's so weird.
He loves it.
So you smoked Peyote.
Some of my friends started running around.
They fell through cliffs.
It was really fun.
You enjoyed that?
Almost in a wild time. Yeah, wild time. cliffs. It was really fun. You enjoyed that? Almost in a wild time.
Yeah, wild time.
Wow.
But now, you're a dad.
You're an old dad.
I'm here on my birthday.
Okay.
Which is better.
Well, it is okay.
Did those guys get you a mariachi band?
Okay.
True, true.
I mean, they took you to the fucking desert.
I'll take you to the desert.
I wonder what I want September when I'm 53. You're thinking about your gifts already?
I want a band. I want a band. I want what you got. I want clothes. Yeah, but you want like a
famous band to come play for you. You wouldn't say that over unknown. Get me Green Day.
You want me to get you Green Day for your birthday? Yeah, I think they would do it.
Yeah, for a lot of money.
No, I think they would.
What do you mean?
I know them.
So they would play your 53rd birthday?
I think if you ask Billy Joel,
he'll come here and do an acoustic song.
Sure.
In our studio?
Yep.
Okay.
He sent me coffee.
Oh, that's the same thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think I could ever convince a famous band like that to ever do.
I mean, you could do it.
You have that kind of pull.
I don't have that.
Oh, my God.
This guy, I swear to God.
Can I just tell you?
I mean, I can't even.
What are you talking about?
I'm not friends with some fans.
It's just the conversations I have with people in this town.
It's just like, you're on fire right now.
I'm not talking to anybody in the town.
I'm just saying, you know so many people.
I think Andrew have a question.
Go ahead.
Here she is.
Is Zac Efron really, really hot?
Ask me, I met him too.
And smells good?
He does smell very good, and yes.
Is he just like so heavenly?
He's very, he's a very pretty man.
You know, Tito Bobby got to hug him
for 10 seconds straight.
How did it feel?
Mucho, mucho, you feel? Mucho, mucho.
Mucho, mucho.
It was very good.
Is he just all hard?
He's hard as a rock.
When you look at it, his eyes are beautiful.
He's got such a great face, it's chiseled.
But can I say this too?
He's super sweet.
He's a great guy.
He's a great guy.
I know.
You can just tell, he just got,
he was just so real with me
and so nice and giving.
So was John.
I mean, that was a great, you know,
that was a great encounter.
It was a good moment in time for him.
Loved it.
It was.
And you know what?
You'll never get to meet him.
It's okay.
I thought about bringing you though, didn't I?
I said, man, should we bring her?
No.
Why, you don't want to meet him?
No. Why, don't want to meet your heroes type of thing we bring her? No. Why, you don't want to meet him? No.
Why, don't want to meet your heroes type of thing?
He'll let you down?
I just don't want to.
But also Jules, she admitted to me the other day,
she gets recognized now on the streets.
Really, finally?
Yeah.
You're really embracing it.
I don't like it.
You love it kinda.
No, cause I'm just like, I don't use my brain
when I go out and then they're just like Rudy
And I'm just like I don't different than when you're here
Whoa snipe yeah
And why'd you meet miss Long Beach?
Miss who's miss Long Beach? Huh? We had a big Long Beach show that you didn't show up to oh, yeah
What was that about because I had to we're we're fostering puppies and no one had oh you fucking bitch
Feature of the night. I know fentanyl was gonna walk in here. Yeah, dude. You came at a bad time
Yeah, yeah get in here get in here you fucking lady
Yeah, yeah, come on in you don't want don't want to do it. You remember her
Does it your back hurt when you walk you just seem like your back hurts when you walk?
Do you remember her does it your back hurt when you walk you just seem like your back hurts when you walk
Yes, oh how are those good yeah 1099
McCone say hi
Be nice Carlos say hello. Hi. Oh, no. Yeah Yeah, because you've known Carlos as much as a long time.
A long time.
Yeah, yeah.
And you saw him do stand-up back in the day.
I wouldn't call it stand-up.
Yeah, yeah.
His one-man show.
What would you call what Carlos used to do back in the day?
Get on stage.
Get on stage.
Yeah, he would go.
Yeah.
He would go up there.
Yeah. I would talk. And then he would go all. Yeah, that's the thing. He would go up there.
Yeah, I would talk.
And then he would run down.
Who's his generation?
Who was around?
He was terrified.
Like Esther was around.
Was Tony Hinchclap back then?
Yeah.
Tony, you.
Matt Edgar.
Who bought the worst out of all the people
that were in that group?
Hi, how are you?
Yeah.
Not answering that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So Eleanor was a waitress at the store for many years.
Yes.
Server, she became a stand up.
And she went, I think you're the only person that
went from server, at least at the store,
to become a paid regular at the store
and become a legitimate headliner comic.
Is that true? Are you the only server that...
Well, because I didn't start as a comic, so yeah.
I think that's what...
Any waitress that turned comic,
Mitzi got rid of immediately. They were terrible.
Wait, well, they were bad or it was like part of the thing
where she was gonna...
No, they were just terrible.
Oh, okay.
Are there servers now that want to do stand-up
that hasn't done it?
Yeah, like Punky Johnson.
Yeah.
It's pretty incredible, but she starred it as a comic.
Right, and then she got a job there.
That's incredible.
Yeah.
So what she did I think is more impressive, no?
She's on SNL.
Yeah, I think that's a huge thing.
Wild. Giant.
But you led the way.
You led the way, you're the Ellen.
I am.
You're the Ellen.
Yeah, I'm the Ellen.
And-
I like this look on you.
Do I look nice?
No.
Oh, come on!
Yeah.
I like it though.
It smells so good.
Thank you, it's vanilla, I can't get white enough.
I just rub it in.
What does she smell like, Eleanor?
We never really know,
because she kind of wafts in and wafts out.
Lean in. She smells not- Lean in.anor? We never really know, because she kind of wafts in and wafts out. Lean in.
She smells like.
Lean in.
Are you moving to really?
Yeah, sniff.
She smells good.
Why'd you make me do that?
I don't know, but you did it.
She smells very good.
Not like the jungle or anything like that, huh?
Give me the Bible again.
That's not nice.
Give me the Bible again.
That's not nice.
It smells nice.
Eleanor, I want to say something right now.
On the Bible.
My hand on the Bible, all right?
I fucking hated you so much for so long. You don't need the Bible for that. I know I
Fucking long and when you started becoming a comic and then you became funny
Yeah, it used to burn my soul. So you're saying I wasn't funny before no
I know I just know as I didn't really know you that well
I think when I once I moved to to LA, we hated each other.
No, it wasn't instantly.
We used to hang out.
A little bit, yeah.
What happened?
We've already gone through years of talking about it.
Yeah, well, we're on the show now.
I know, all right.
Well, she-
Well, you know Bobby.
Yeah, yes, yeah.
That's it.
Yeah, okay, that's right.
You know what?
That's fucking rude.
I get it.
I actually get it now.
I've had problems with many, many people.
But you solved them.
Amazing.
I don't solve them.
Some of them are still problems.
But guess what?
I don't give a fuck.
Yeah.
I will go down fighting.
You should.
I mean, I'm going to be that guy.
Yeah.
Who's that guy?
You're going to be you.
What?
Who is that guy?
Fucking, what do you see?
An idiot.
No. No.
No.
How come he's not wearing any getup?
I had it.
He had it on, he got too sweaty.
I was a fucking, oh my God,
he gets too sweaty.
He gets really sweaty.
Right.
Really sweaty.
This guy right here has those bullet vests.
Oh, you've got bullet vests, yeah.
I got a sombrero on, right?
I also have a fucking COVID mask.
Yeah. I have a COVID mask, right? Right? I also have a fucking COVID mask. Yeah.
I have a COVID mask.
Right?
It's sort of like a, anyway, I got guns.
You do have guns.
Right.
I'm a smoky too.
Yeah, big time.
No, because I've been in a fire.
No, you've been smoking again.
That too.
Yeah.
Right.
And that's who I am, a warrior.
And I will start. Warrior.
I will start a war.
But you just said you're not a hunter or a warrior.
Yeah, you did say you're not a hunter at all.
No, I am a hunter.
I just pick and choose.
But Chocolate Swirl is more of a hunter than you are.
He's a leader of the pack.
Anyway, Eleanor, are you promoting a movie or a special?
Yeah, a big movie.
My special.
Are you promoting a particular, what the fuck was that?
Are you promoting something?
Yeah.
You know she's promoting a special.
I know she is.
Eleanor, tell Bobby what a comedy special is.
Or I mean your comedy special.
Hold on a second.
That came out wrong.
Bobby, can I ask you a question?
That came out wrong.
You still don't have a special?
No.
Why?
Why?
You just don't want to.
I'll do what I do.
Every day is a special for Bobby.
Okay.
That's right.
Special means... It does, it does, it does. That's fancy. I for Bobby. Okay. That's right. Special means- It does.
It does.
It does.
That's fancy.
I might be.
Okay.
I'll defend Robert right now.
I'll defend him.
I don't want to- You're here on the program, right?
Yeah.
To talk about your special.
Yes.
That has nothing to do with me.
I'm just curious.
Yeah, but let's talk about his.
Okay. Let's talk about his. I think Bobby hasn't put out a special because he-
Nobody wants to do one.
What?
No, people will do one with you.
I think you don't want to do it because you're-
Afraid.
You're a little afraid of it because it's a daunting task, as any comic knows.
It's a fucking nightmare. And you've chosen to not
and still had a successful career.
So why-
Pretty impressive, by the way.
It's amazing.
But you've done Comedy Central Presents
and things like that.
Nothing.
He's never done any TV.
Shut it.
I did the Tonight Show a long time ago.
I did a premium blend.
Premium blend?
A couple of K-Locos.
You did two K-Locos.
A couple of K-Locos.
That's a thing though
It's not a like a full whatever but yeah, let me ask you guys a question if I may you know
I'm a man. You have a great career
May I defend myself? I defended you I know I just say my piece my let me say my because everyone's getting a little schoolchildren
Beyond my back okay laugh
on time laugh I'm going to be on my back. Okay, laugh. Fun time.
Laugh.
Laugh at my expense.
Bob, it's-
No, I'm not done.
Okay.
Eleanor, tell us something special.
It's called-
What's it called?
Let me talk, though.
No, fuck you.
What's it called?
Fuck you, dude.
Fuck you.
Shut up.
All right.
What's it called?
No Country for Old Women.
Oh, I like that.
I love it.
Oh, I like that. That's a great one.
Tell me it's not spelled C-U-N-T.
I wanted it.
I know you did.
But you know what's gonna happen is the streamers will be like,
we can't broadcast.
We can't put it up.
No Country for Old Women is so good.
When is it gonna be released?
It's out.
It's out right now.
Thanks for watching.
I loved it.
I loved it.
Yeah, you loved it.
Tell her your favorite joke.
I think I sent you a-
Yeah, you did.
I think I did. You did send me something and I never looked at it. I'm so sorry. Interesting. Yeah. Tell her your favorite joke. I think I sent you a... Yeah, you did. I think I did. You did send me something, and I never looked at it.
I'm so sorry.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Tell us your favorite joke.
Oh, the thing where you go...
That's your bit.
My favorite bit.
That's my favorite.
That's such a good opener.
That's your bit.
Oh, that is, yeah, yeah.
Where did you film it?
At the store, in the original room.
The best.
That's great.
I talked last night about how that's the greatest room.
There's something about that that's magical.
It really is. That's great. I talked last night about how that's the greatest room. There's something about that that's magical. It really is.
I got lucky.
My friend Lexi directed it,
and she loved,
she was a comic with Carlos and I back in the day
when we was- She's hot.
Lexi Shoemaker.
Thanks, dude.
She really lit up the room perfectly,
and kept it,
because I really wanted to show the O.R.
Did you do it on a weeknight or weekend?
Sunday Wow perfect. That's great. Cuz that one of my favorite nights in that fucking room is it really is
I don't know why it's just Sunday and like the energy is what's the worst night in the OR? There's a better question
Tuesday Tuesday that's up there. We just did this last night for some reason
I said Brennan goes even a Wednesday could be to sometimes but Tuesday is I don't know what Tuesday is it this last night for some reason. I set, Brennan goes. Even a Wednesday could be too. Sometimes, but Tuesday is, I don't know what Tuesday is.
It doesn't. Last night.
Let's change that by the way, audience people
that go to the comedy store. Yeah, let's get it together.
Cut it out on fucking Tuesday.
Last night I called you, why?
Bad set? I had a terrible set in the OR, man.
He called me and honestly of all the years
that we joke on the phone, this was like,
I actually felt bad.
I told him I'd come meet up with him
because he was being genuine.
He was like, I'm really in a bad place.
And I said, well, what's going on?
I got like honestly concerned.
I thought something maybe happened.
Go off for a bit.
And he goes, I'm embarrassed.
I fucking felt embarrassed.
I got in my car the moment I got off stage.
I did the same thing.
He goes, somebody stood in the,
somebody was-
There's a fucking-
All right.
What, go ahead, what happened?
I can't believe it. One of the servers was like a guy, okay?
What did he do he was
Standing there in the middle. I'm doing a setup of a joke. Are you in our main main room?
Oh, he's standing in the front of the fucking just standing there taking an order
Pulling focus and I wanted to I was so mad I was gonna go what are you doing?
Because you were there when the mitti was around how fast would that person be fired?
Fast immediately same night. I have to ask them to leave and just take the tray out of their hand.
Yeah.
That's how it happened.
It happened a million times.
Well, because you know when you were serving, people got fired.
You were not to be seen.
Right.
But this is what happened last night.
It's not called the interest store, it's called the comedy store.
Yeah, thank you.
She said it on repeat.
She said that all the time.
All the time.
Thank you.
Wow.
I walked off stage, I went to the manager, I got in the car, I called him out, it was
literally like, I think I'm gonna drink.
Yeah, he really was.
You were in one of those weird places
where I could tell you were pretty drunk.
It hurt.
And when you bomb like that, it's embarrassing.
I bombed in the OR last night, and I got,
everybody was like, hey, where you going?
I go, I gotta get some out of my car.
Yes!
And I just left, just left.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Isn't that funny, we all do that.
Like a real twat.
You look at your shoes and you go, I gotta get some.
Yeah, I'm gonna get a.
You know what my trick is when I wanna go.
What?
I go on the phone.
I gotta-
Oh, the phone is great.
I go, fuck, I'm sorry.
I gotta-
I gotta take this.
And then the moment I get in the car.
It's 1 a.m.
Phone down, driving sad, staring off into the abyss.
What wall could I hit?
Will that ever go away?
No!
I hope not.
No!
Because that means you care.
You still care that you didn't do well or whatever.
I'm sure you did fine, but you had that moment that made you rethink every single.
I'm sure you did fine.
No.
No, you did.
Even the piano player was like.
Really?
Yeah.
And he always plays.
Chris.
Yeah, Chris.
He always is fun.
And he was just like.
Eleanor, can we talk about your specials
available right now?
No country for old women.
You see it right now.
Yes.
And it's on the Comedy, I keep saying that,
Comedy Store YouTube.
Comedy Store YouTube.
You know how Mitzi always wanted the Comedy Channel?
So she, we had all this paper,
like she had everything made up,
the Comedy Channel, comedy channel,
and then the Comedy Central took it,
and she lost her fucking mind.
But she still had all that paperwork,
so a lot of times I'd send stuff out,
and it'd be like on comedy channel letterhead,
and comedy channel envelopes,
and she's like, just use them,
and I'm like, okay.
I went, and people are like, what the fuck is the comedy channel?
I'm like, I don't.
I don't want to get into it.
It's a subsidiary of Comedy Central.
You would make me use those to send mostly
to the comedy store in England to tell them to stop
and using their name.
Please.
Why am I standing like this?
I can't wait, I want to watch it.
I haven't taken a good picture in that club
since I fucking got in there. Every time they get a photo of me, I'm like, I'm like a gang I can't wait, I wanna watch it. I haven't taken a good picture in that club since I fucking got in there.
Every time they get a photo of me, I'm like,
I'm like a gangly moron in the hallway.
Like how did you beat Down syndrome?
Like a single fucking picture.
How long did you and Andrew date, I forget.
Like five years.
What's that like?
I mean, what's that like?
It's like our videos, it's intact. That Clay. What's that like? It's like our videos.
It's intact.
That same relationship when you guys are together.
Screaming at each other.
Same thing.
Constant. Always.
You know when Dice, every time he sees me,
he'll pull over and we'll talk for an hour.
That's how much I love him.
Yeah, and he loves you too.
Yeah, he's what a great guy.
Legend.
I don't know him, I don't know.
We really had a lot of fun together. Oh, that's the SAG awards when he did, oh, Star is guy, legend. I don't know him, I don't know him. We really had a lot of fun together.
Oh, that's the SAG Awards when he did,
oh, Star is Born, shit.
Oh yeah, he was completely dead.
He was great.
He played Lady Gaga's dad.
He was great.
He was great in that.
So he didn't have a girlfriend at the time,
so he was like, hey, they were nominated
as an ensemble cast.
Wow.
So he was like, I don't wanna go by myself,
I feel like a dick.
So I went with him.
Did you guys have a blast?
We did. We had so much fun.
Did you meet Lady Gaga?
Of course. Eddie Griffin was there.
I was on set with him most of the whole time,
but Eddie Griffin was there.
So I was more comfortable.
Eddie was in the movie.
Did you see the movie?
Yeah.
Eddie Griffin was in Starsborn?
Yeah.
What did he play?
He's the star.
It's about him.
It's him and Bradley Cooper.
They're besties.
Dave Chappelle was in it.
I know Chappelle was in it, Eddie Griffin was.
All the good comments.
See, there's Eddie.
All the good comments.
The scene though.
Okay, let's end the part, it would sit so long.
What's your problem?
We promote the, we promote, it's great, I loved her.
You didn't even watch.
You piece of shit.
I don't know why we made up.
Hey, hey, I'm sorry.
I love you.
And I'm gonna watch a special, and I'm gonna promote it.
I want you to watch it and give me notes on what you like.
You know what, in fact, I'll go on my Instagram.
I'll just give you two clips.
Can you watch a clip?
He'll watch a clip.
Not only that, send me a clip on my Instagram, and I will post it on my Instagram.
I don't even know where it is.
Okay? Yeah. I got some followers, I'm gonna do you a favor. You do have followers. I will post it on my Instagram. I don't even know where it is. Okay. Yeah.
I want some followers.
I'm going to do you a favor.
You do have followers.
Yeah, so it'll be great.
I need some followers.
Well, you're going to get them from this.
Eleanor is one of my favorite people.
I love her so much.
I love her more, but it's fine.
I think that's true.
Yeah.
Please watch No Country for Old Women on the Comedy Story YouTube page.
We'll put the link in the description below.
We appreciate you so much, Eleanor. We love you. Hey look in the camera Eleanor and say thank you for being a bad friend
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