Bad Friends - Mariachis Crash the Pod
Episode Date: April 1, 2024Get MORE Bad Friends at our Patreon!! https://www.patreon.com/badfriends Tour Tickets: https://badfriendspod.com Thank you to our Sponsors: ZocDoc, Morgan & Morgan, Liquid Death & Manscaped • ZocDoc...: Find and book top rated doctors at https://www.zocdoc.com/badfriends • Morgan & Morgan: If you’re ever injured, you can check out Morgan & Morgan. Their fee is free unless they win. For more information go to https://ForThePeople.com/badfriends or dial Pound LAW (Pound 529) from your cell phone. This is a paid advertisement. • Liquid Death: Go to https://liquiddeath.com/badfriends and check their healthy infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closer retailer + free shippping. • Manscaped: Get 20% and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com code: BADFRIENDS Watch Eleanor Kerrigan's Special "No Country For Old Woman" on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZE8P7d-jyA YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/BadFriendsYouTube Merch: http://badfriendsmerch.com 0:00 Andrew's Tour Dates 0:41 The Bull & The Matador 4:20 Bobby's New Tattoos 13:37 The Mariachi Band 19:46 Bobby Opens Up to Fancy 27:47 A Brutally Honest Truth Game 38:57 Bobby's Man Crush 49:57 A Special Guest Joins The Show 55:54 Eleanor Kerrigan Special is Out on Netflix 1:01:40 Andrew Dice Clay At The SAG Awards More Bobby Lee TigerBelly: https://www.youtube.com/tigerbelly Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bobbyleelive Twitter: https://twitter.com/bobbyleelive Tickets: https://bobbyleelive.com More Andrew Santino Whiskey Ginger: https://www.youtube.com/andrewsantinowhiskeyginger Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino Twitter: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino Tickets: http://www.andrewsantino.com More Juicy Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en More Fancy SOS VHS: https://www.youtube.com/@SOSVHS Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/fancyb.1 More Bad Friends iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bad-friends/id1496265971 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/badfriendspod/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/badfriends_pod Official Website: http://badfriendspod.com/ Opening Credits and Branding: https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria & https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday Credit Sequence Music: http://bit.ly/RocomMusic // https://www.instagram.com/rocom Character Design: https://www.instagram.com/jeffreymyles Bad Friends Mosaic Sign: https://www.instagram.com/tedmunzmosaicart Produced by: 7EQUIS https://www.7equis.net/ Podcast Producer: Andrés Rosende This episode contains paid promotion. #bobbylee #andrewsantino #badfriends #sponsored #ads Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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Me.
Andrew's going on tour.
He's headlining, doing new jokes, working out.
That's right.
He's going to be at the Houston Improv.
That's going to sell out immediately.
It already is.
All right.
Tampa, funny bone.
Yes. Phoenix, Arizona. Nashville, Tennessee. Addison Improv in immediately. It already is. All right. Tampa, Funny Bone. Yes.
Phoenix, Arizona.
Nashville, Tennessee.
Addison Improv in Dallas.
Dallas, Texas.
And finally in San Francisco, California.
Cobbs Comedy Club.
We've got Cobbs.
We added two more shows for Cobbs.
Oh, exciting stuff.
And we added for Dallas.
Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.
AndrewSantino.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
You two are bad friends. You two are bad friends. You two are bad friends. You and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
What do bulls sound like? Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb Yeah, dig in.
Who's my little bull?
Who's my little bull?
Oh look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red.
Oh, look, it's red. Oh, look, it's red. Oh, look, it's red. Oh, look, it's That's more dog. That's more dog. Well. What?
Today.
Yes.
Is Fancy B's birthday.
Yes, very good.
Feliz cumpleaños aquí.
Very good, very good.
No, you can't do the Italian gangster ever again.
Why?
Because we're in Spain.
It's a new character I've been doing.
Do a Spanish gangster.
Hey, how you doing?
How you doing?
Do a Spanish gangster.
Señor.
Señor, I am Spanish gangster Senor
Senor I am Spanish gangster
Exactly
Senor you know where the refried beans are?
But do the face
Hey senor do you know where the refried beans are?
Senor
Senor
What's that?
Senor
I don't like what you're doing with the eyes squinty
Okay let me try.
Right?
Looks the same.
As what?
Senor.
Say senor.
Senor.
Senor.
Very good.
That's an Asian Spanish bull.
That is?
Senor, welcome to the bull house.
No, that's not.
There's a Fernando Wong.
Senor, welcome to the carousel.
What's the word, the ring that they-
Huh?
In the bull ring?
Yeah, yeah.
Did you get what you wanted, Fancy, for your birthday?
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, man.
How old are you?
I'm 44.
I am 44.
What happened at 44?
What happens in Spanish culture at 44?
You have to be brutally honest with the people you're with.
Go ahead then, pal.
What are you doing?
You taking it off?
It's just so hot.
Come on, man.
No, just this.
I'm going to unbutton and then put the hat back on.
Okay.
Like this.
Good boy.
Look at this.
Senor.
Senor.
Senor.
Yeah, what's up?
What happens at 44?
Anything special?
Oh, no. Do you remember your 44th birthday my any many moon ago?
When I was a 40
What are you dressed as cool pants
Go sit in your regular chair
That's a nice company. I knew I send. Wow, did you bring Taco Bell for him?
Yeah, because he hates Mexicans.
Oh, yay!
Oh, yay!
He hates Mexicans.
Jules is back, baby, Jules is in the house.
Jules is back.
And Jules, what do you got there, what is that?
Is this?
Oh, that's España.
That's a great shirt.
That's a great shirt, put it on.
Really?
Just put it on top of the shirt you're wearing right now.
Okay.
Is this Ronaldo?
Turn off your phone.
Is this Ronaldo?
Is this Ronaldo? You know that Ronaldo, but you know that he's Portuguese, right? Oh, so it's not Ronaldo.
Okay. Are you wearing a tie? Yeah, that's what
Okay. Are you wearing a tie? Yeah, that's what McCone gave me. Oh, that is nice. Good job, McCone. Rudy Jules, welcome back to the show. It's been a long time. It's good enough for the Root is
finally back in the house, baby. How do you feel? I feel okay. I got my brows microbladed. Ooh,
let's see. This is my first tattoo. Move them. Nice.
Nice.
Wow.
You know, talk about tattoos, next Wednesday I'm getting two.
Really?
I'm gonna get a Comedy Store logo.
Oh, that's smart.
Why?
Why?
I mean, that's smart.
I'm gonna get a, I already made the appointment.
I'm gonna get a Comedy Store logo.
I'm gonna get four.
Oh, okay.
Okay, so I'm gonna get get a, I already made the appointment. I'm going to get a comedy store logo. I'm going to get four. Okay. So I'm going to get the comedy store logo.
I'm going to get, um, Alfre Newman from mad TV.
Yeah.
What's the connection?
I was on the show.
You were on the acting.
Is that what's happening?
Wait, let's say it again.
Wait, wait, well done.
I mean, honestly, honestly, you step on my step on my comment to him. It's like, I know it's your birthday. All right, let's say it again. No, wait, wait, hold on. I mean, honestly, not only do you step on my comment to him, it's like, I know it's
your birthday.
All right, let's let him have it.
Go ahead.
So how about this?
Go ahead.
You know what?
I'll let you have all the digs you want today, dude, because it's your birthday, and I won't
fucking fight back.
Okay.
So go ahead, get me.
I'm ugly.
No, are you giving up acting with all those tattoos?
Yes, I am.
I'm giving up acting.
You feel good?
Yeah.
Oh, is that your birthday wish that he stops acting?
Yes.
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because, and also, I'm going to get a Bad Friends one.
Are you really?
Yeah, I'm going to get the cartoon of our logo thing, that.
You're getting that on your body.
But what if you guys break up?
It doesn't matter.
We've done enough.
It's a point in his life.
It's a point in my life where I've done enough
so if he betrays me, he will betray me.
You will betray me.
In what way?
Well, I'll tell you this, man.
I was fucking scrolling on my fucking Instagram
and I saw you in a scene with your movie with Cena
and William H. Macy and Zach.
You look, your acting is so good.
But I realized, I go, this is just the beginning for you.
Of what?
Of superstardom.
Nobody's calling.
I'm gonna get betrayed.
Nobody's calling.
I'm gonna get betrayed, but I'm gonna say this, right?
I'm gonna get the tattoo so it reminds me.
Okay.
So when I'm in the crack house,
eight years from now, right? And I'm just like, tattoo so it reminds me. So when I'm in the crack house, eight years from now,
and I'm just like, you know what I mean?
I used to be somebody.
I had a dream kid, you know?
You're roping off.
I'm roping it off, right?
And you're doing H and someone's like.
Right, and right when I'm roping it off,
where the needle is.
Someone's in there with you and they're like,
hey man, who is that on your arm?
I mean, what are you talking about, man?
What is that on your arm, man? Are talking about man? What is that on your arm?
Are you done sucking my dick man?
Okay, finish my dick man.
You got it.
Done? Yeah.
Oh fucks so good dude.
Hey what's that tattoo on your arm?
I have teeth but I'm gonna do the same as you.
No I have no teeth.
I know.
What's that? You want me to give you a gummy?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're gonna get a Bad Friends tattoo,
a Comedy Store tattoo.
Alfred E. Newman.
Alfred E. Newman.
And a Tiger Belly.
Jesus.
That's a lot.
I know.
What does Tiger Belly look like?
It's just a font, I'm just gonna do a font thing.
Right.
I'm not gonna put a face or anything.
But Tiger Belly one though, you should.
Do like the ink that goes away, you know?
Oh, you mean?
Oh, henna.
Yeah, do henna.
You want me to henna it?
Get a henna tattoo.
Yeah, maybe I'll henna it.
No, I think that's, who's doing them?
All the same person?
Yeah.
Who's the man or woman?
You want it, you care to share?
Yeah, okay.
I mean, I'll tell you her name real quick.
Her name is, I'll tell you why I'm doing it.
Because I had, I went to my AA meeting,
oh, that's her name, Kogla, Kogla-cha,
and she does little tiny ones.
Little tiny tattoos.
They're tiny, so you can barely see them.
What gave you the inspiration?
Because I was having, you know,
sometimes a youth fellowship after an AA meeting.
You know about that, Carlos, back in the day, right?
So afterwards, my sponsor was like,
hey, come eat with us, and normally I don't, but I did. And there was a girl that comes back in the day, right? So afterwards my sponsor was like, hey come eat with us.
And normally I don't, but I did.
And there was a girl that comes to my A-meeting,
she's a comic, and she had little tiny tattoos on her body.
And I went, oh those look cool,
cause they really did look cool.
Their little.
That's trending right now, the little ones.
Yeah, their little ones.
So I'm just getting little ones on my body.
What are you doing? What is the tiny tattoo called?
Is this kind of it?
Yeah, those like-
Well, look up Cogla-cha.
That's her.
That's her Cogla-cha?
Yeah, that's her shit.
Celebrity tattoos.
So she does very famous people?
Yeah, some.
Interesting.
They're tiny little ones.
They're like tiny ones like that.
Oh, that is cool.
Look at how small that is.
They're small. And that's a constellation, I imagine, huh?
Of a broken home.
Is that what that is?
Or it's a house made out of stars.
We look at things differently.
I like this, the tattoo under the tit.
That's a really popular thing I see.
That's like a tattoo, right?
That's a big thing.
And she does a little pokey ones.
Oh, poke tattoos is cool.
Yeah, so they're small, they're not prevalent. So I'm just gonna get four of them.
Right, just in case.
What do you think?
I think it's a great idea.
Would you ever get a bad friend's tattoo?
No.
I would never get a tattoo.
Why would I defile?
You don't have any tattoos, do you, Andrew?
You don't put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.
Yeah, that's true.
No, I don't have, you know what it is?
I talked to someone two nights ago at the comedy store about this.
Literally, I had this conversation in the green room.
You sweating bud?
I'm so hot.
Yeah.
Just take off the sleeves then, at this point.
I mean the joke is over.
The joke is over.
Thank you so much.
I'm so hot.
Just undo the sleeves but leave the bottoms on.
I will.
Good boy.
And you're wearing a long sleeve.
Yeah, that's why it's so hot.
Roll up your, there you go.
Are we good?
Who did I talk to?
I talked to somebody at the comedy store a couple of nights ago about tattoos.
Oh, Justine Marino just got new tattoos.
Oh, cupcakes.
She got, I think so.
She just makes cupcakes.
She makes cupcakes?
Yeah, no.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Yeah, she just makes cupcakes.
Oh, maybe she does.
But then she was talking to me about why don't I get tattoos.
I said, I genuinely couldn't tell you what I would want.
I have no, I don't know.
Like, I just don't know. what I would want. I have no, I don't know. Like, I just don't know.
And what would be my first one?
I think maybe retro.
I'd get like a Chinese symbol because I think that's out.
Yeah.
Like right here on the neck.
Like I'd write Bobby Lee in Chinese on my neck.
Yeah.
Or on my, on my lower back.
Like a tramp stamp, Bobby Lee in Chinese.
I used to hate white chicks that get them.
Why?
Because in the 90s they would get them, but these are women, these white chicks,
they would never fuck an Asian guy,
but they'll get the symbol.
Right.
Like I'm fucking, you know what I mean, not racist.
You know what I mean?
But then it's just like,
I think back then it was them.
And they're like, can I insert?
And they're like, no.
No, that was them showing they are racist.
That's why they got it.
Oh.
Right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Down with the Chinese.
That's what they're saying on their arm. That's what it says on the- That's what it said it. Oh. Right. Down with the Chinese. That's what they're saying on their arm.
That's what it says on the-
That's what it said.
I didn't know.
I want to get a Chinese symbol.
I want to get a butterfly.
I should get all the tattoos from back when we were young.
Your dog.
Make a picture of your dog.
I would get a picture of my dog on my body.
I saw a dog today that looked exactly like my dog.
Your dog.
Cause I've traveled with your dog.
Great traveler.
May I say something? Great traveler. What are you, it's like fucking Magellan, your dog cuz I've traveled with your dog Great traveler may I say something great traveler?
What are you it's like fucking Magellan your dog? What do you mean? I mean, that's how he travels she but thank you
Whatever don't don't misgender my dog
Are you being kidding right now call are you me kidding right? My dog is they them are you making me right now?
It's a girl. I've told you that a thousand times at this point who gives a fuck I do
All right, I'm sorry for misgendering your dog. Have I ever done that to your dogs. Okay? What's Gobi? Gobi's a guy? No? It's a girl
It's a girl, so fuck you dude. Gobi's a girl. Yes, dude
Yeah, she's butch
She's a little butch. Yeah, she's a little butch dude when she isn't she like the leader of a softball league or something
Yeah, she's a little butch, dude. Wasn't she like the leader of a softball league or something?
Yes.
Kobe's the star of a softball team.
Yes, yeah.
Wow.
But you know.
Doesn't your dog drive a Subaru?
Yeah.
Wow.
Anyway, your dog, Magellan, was just like so calm on a plane.
Yeah.
Not a bark.
Not even a, oh.
No, no, nothing.
Nothing.
She would look up at me.
Although her first look at me is always like, don't eat me.
Yeah.
You hear me?
I think she's a little racist.
I think she's a little racist.
Well, you know, there's flashbacks.
I'm sure that's in her DNA.
I see.
But she'll at first, she's, oh no, he's the good kind.
Exactly.
Am I a good Asian?
You are one of the best Asians on the other hand yeah?
Not a so good yeah, do you?
Treat our dogs because you know you live with my dog
Don't ever see the dog you ever see the dogs in the house when you're alone with the dogs
Do you ever see them and you lick your lips a little bit?
No, you go. No I can't I can't I want to say something to you right now
And I wasn't even gonna fucking mention it right your butt your
Comforter no not my comforter dude. Okay. All right I
Know that a guy was over at the house
That somebody's seeing all right and you had a guy you had a boy over no no somebody else had a guy over
Right in this guy. Okay. He disciplined Julio. Did he not he did?
Discipline him he grabbed his neck in a power move in a power move. Yeah, I don't like this
I don't like it at all either my friend. What's going on? What is going on around town?
Okay, explain I'm gonna explain Julio is crazy and likes to murder anyone that he sees okay
It's a guard dog and likes to murder anyone that he sees. Okay. Stop, stop, stop.
It's a guard dog.
Thank you!
It's a guard dog.
It's doing its job.
It's guarding.
And also, does he go crazy with you?
No.
Does he go crazy with Kalyla?
Strangers, he goes.
Does he go crazy, because he, what I love about him,
he knows what he likes.
When he goes to 31 flavors, Baskin Robbins, right?
Pistachio, whatever the-
No, always pistachio. Yeah have always whatever the fucking flavor, right?
Wow
Wow I love this! Wow! Wow! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, El Segundo Y a la y El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo
El Segundo El Segundo Happy birthday to you! Oh that's just smart I know this one. Happy birthday to you!
I know this one.
Happy birthday DeAndres!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday little fancy!
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you
Hey, hey
Hey, my boy
Feliz Navidad
Wait, hold on
Wait, hold on
Okay
Feliz Navidad
Hey, hey
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Ah
Wait I wanna wish you a merry Christmas Please stop it. I
Merry Christmas, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas
I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom
To a man
Do it again, baby Christmas pick it up pick it up pick it up. There's you a merry Christmas from the bottom
Well he's not hey hey Ah! All right, all right, I'm more, I'm more.
It was incredible.
So good.
Happy birthday, fans.
Thank you so much.
Thank you guys very much.
Thank you so much.
Carlos, amazing.
Incredible.
Thank you so much.
Very talented.
You guys are amazing.
Thank you so much.
Wonderful.
Amazing.
Wonderful.
We are going to get kicked out of this building.
I think so.
There's no way our neighbors like us anymore.
We should move.
We should move.
I think we should move.
It's time for an upgrade.
Yeah.
I got to tell you, I'm recharged.
I'm re-energized.
I'm happy now.
I'm worn out.
I'm worn out by bad.
Really?
When I sing like that from my heart, dude, I get worn out.
You look like you took a flight of stairs.
It's like Karaoke.
Police now.
What? What? You're okay of stairs. It's like karaoke. Feliz Navidad.
What?
What?
You're okay?
Yeah.
What's your okay?
Karaoke.
Karaoke.
Oh, karaoke.
Oh.
Feliz Navidad.
Is that how you karaoke?
Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
I'm confused.
Have you ever karaoke with that family?
No.
Don't.
I will not. Feliz Navidad. La you ever karaoke with that family? No. Don't.
I will not.
Fae, he's not me not.
That, that, that, that.
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I loved you on the thing.
You know what I mean?
You're a big star, a dude, great actor.
I'm so proud to work with you.
Oh, yeah.
Can I just give a couple minutes and I have to and let's just do this right now.
I want to talk about the just the fun feelings I have for Andreas.
May I give you my little monologue if I may?
Please.
I met you many, many years ago at Maker Studios
and you directed me in a video.
Yes.
Right?
Bobby Lee, what was it?
Bobby Lee, the emperor of the world.
I never saw, did that turn out well?
It turned out very Bobby Lee. Not good.
Exactly.
We tried, you know what I mean?
And then years later, I didn't see you,
and then you started working with us at Tiger Belly,
and then you came onto the best.
A dark point in your career.
Yeah.
Yeah, dark, yeah.
Low.
And I have to say, it's just been, I trust you,
I think more than anyone else I work with.
You're very on point and I'm just,
it's a pleasure to know you.
I really love you a lot.
My turn.
Happy birthday.
My turn.
Go ahead.
I don't really know what you do here, but I guess you do good.
Thank you, Andrew.
Go ahead, Rudy.
That's it?
No, no.
I'll give you-
Be real.
He knows.
Yeah.
You know how much I love you.
I text you often.
I tell you how much I appreciate you. I text you often. I tell you how much I appreciate you.
I fight for you.
I think you are such a valuable member of our team.
Irreplaceable.
You mean the world to me, and I'm happy that you're a part of my life.
And I've got you a little gift here.
Here's a gift card.
McCone, come get this.
From me too, right?
No, it's just from me.
No, because you called me yesterday.
You go, how much should I do? No, that's? No, it's just from me. No, because you called me yesterday. You go, how much should I do?
No, that's fucked up.
That's just from me.
Did you not call me yet?
No, I'm sorry.
Andreas, he called me yesterday, right?
And I go, we are getting a gift card for Andreas from Apple.
Yeah.
And I said, how much?
And you said $25.
I can give you the fucking text right now.
How could you text?
You said it was a phone call. It was a phone call.. How could you text? You said it was a phone call.
It was a phone call.
Stories are all mixed up, baby.
It was a phone call.
No, I think he texted it.
$25, but look, that'll get you a cube for the wire.
You won't get a wire, but you'll get the cube for the wall.
Thank you, I needed that.
But happiest of the birthdays.
No, that's for $500.
Well, that's good, right?
You can get something from it.
And by the way, don't think you're getting anything
like that for your birthday.
Yeah, yeah.
Hal. Yeah.
And then what is this bag out in front of us there? It's from Pete. That anything like that for your birthday. Yeah. Yeah.
And then what is this bag out in front of us there?
It's from Pete.
That's from Big Petey Pete.
Yeah, I wanted to.
But he's he wanted to give it to fancy or give it to Bobby.
Fancy.
Go ahead, Bobby.
Open it.
OK.
This is fancy's gift from Pete.
And if I like it, can I keep it?
Yes.
OK, good.
That makes perfect sense.
Should I read the letter?
Yeah.
Read it out loud from Pete.
Oh, shit, here we go.
Can I do it in one of my characters, my new characters, though?
Wait, can I read it first like Pete?
You want this one or you want mafia?
Yeah, do the mafia.
Okay.
You really think this is taking off, huh? Hahahaha
It's amazing.
I'm working on the character.
I'm into it. I like it.
I gotta get into the voice.
Dear Fancy,
Eres de puto madre y la hostia.
I hope these gifts remind you of the motherland. Happy birthday.
Very good.
Can I see the card?
Yeah, go ahead.
I'd like to read it.
Can you do this guy?
I like this guy.
My British guy?
Yeah, but when you do the, yeah, that guy.
They're fancy. Yeah, I like this do the... yeah, that guy. They're fancy!
Every steep hook in my grave,
why the oaster? I'm here too!
I hope these gifts remind you
to motherland. Happy birthday, Pete!
Let me read it in Pete's language.
Oh, good you got no soccer ball.
Cocoa poitou.
Oh yeah.
Oh!
Hope your birthday is the best in the galaxy. Coco Pato. Oh yeah. Oh.
Hope your birthday is the best in the galaxy. This is really sweet.
It's not cool that we're opening up your shit,
but that's how it goes.
All right, let's open the gift from Pete.
Okay.
So I got.
What did you get?
I got this Columbus.
May I? T-shirt? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very cool.
Yeah.
Huh?
You know what, dude?
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
You can have it.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
So Columbus, you don't want.
Where you come from. Okay, you got a cold double decker taco. Ooh, cold double decker. I can already tell I don't want come from okay. You got a cold double decker taco
Oh, it's a prank. I can already tell I don't want it. So here you go. Is that from your bag? Yeah
Oh my god, so pathetic
What else is in there and?
This one I might keep and I'll tell you why what I don't have one. What is it?
And I've always wanted one. I don't know where to buy it, but I've always wanted one. Integrity?
No, not integrity.
What is it?
What do you find in hotel rooms?
What do I find in hotel rooms?
Yeah.
When I first walk in?
No, but the thing that you go to-
Oh, the swans on the bed made of towels.
No, no, no.
When we both go into hotel rooms, there's one thing we go to and we love it and it makes
us feel at home and we get to see our father.
A robe.
No.
A phone.
No.
Well then why the fuck did you do this?
A Bible.
A Bible.
God bless.
May I read?
You don't know much about it.
Really?
I can tell you from-
Corinthians 4, 6-8.
I can tell you, I can even-
And thou dost not sleepeth with another maneth.
Yeah, yeah.
Nor painteth their naileth.
I can literally point to a chapter that I like.
Go ahead.
This one right here.
Go ahead.
Here we go.
Show these nations.
God bless the Holy Bible.
And I don't want to defame this, by the way, for people that think we're making a joke.
It's a great book.
One of the best books ever written.
Ever written.
Number one best seller. Best seller. Number one best seller. a great book. One of the best books ever written. Ever written.
Number one best seller.
Best seller.
Number one best seller.
Of all time.
Is this the only thing that he got him?
That's it?
The shirt, Columbus shirt.
That's it?
And the Bible?
Yeah.
We gave you fucking $500?
What were we thinking?
I know.
We could have gotten away with like 50.
I know.
Do you have any plans on that?
By the way, we asked your beautiful wife what we should get you, and she said he's very
hard to buy for.
So I said we'll get him a gift card.
I'll give him some cash. Please give him some cash
That's what he wants more than anything. Here you go, buddy
Thank you. Happy birthday, man. Go get a sandwich or something, you know, thank you Bobby if you pocket it, okay
McCone did you pocket that money you were supposed to give to the mariachi band
Swear on what come over here?
You're blocking my camera, oh, you know what this is great this is great put your put your hand on the Bible okay do you believe in God
right do you believe in the Bible one hand on your heart by the way has to be
on your heart and the Bible look at me right now okay you have your hand on the
Bible do you like Andrew more than me?
We can do this all day with him now keep it on the Bible yeah, yeah, yeah, keep it on the Bible yeah, yeah
This is great. That's great. No. No you can't on your heart. Do you think this is great?
Do you think Andrew has more talent than me?
We should always had a by room do you think Andrew's better looking than me?
Yes.
Oh my god.
Would you cry harder for Andrew if he died than me?
No.
Oh good.
That's good.
You would cry the same?
I cry a little more for you.
Look at that.
Why?
Because of sadness, like empathy for me.
How sad my life is.
Because you're broken.
Because I'm broken.
Yeah.
I don't know, that's even worse.
That's even worse.
Cry more for him.
That's even worse.
Please don't even shed a tear.
I don't fucking need it for me, you fucking bastard.
You a fucking cocksucker, huh?
Hey, hey, hey.
No, I don't give a fuck.
Be nice.
Oh, you're at the Bible.
He's on the Bible, the Bible's right there.
You're on the Bible, right.
Do you have any truth?
Yeah.
Truthful, Go ahead.
This is great. Remember when you fuck on the bus? Oh my god.
Yeah, you did. Yeah, because we caught you.
I remember one night. Hold on. Okay, did you or did you not have sex on the bus?
No.
Your hand is on the Bible.
Okay, what are we constituting as?
Blowjob.
Bus is the theme with wheels.
I knew it.
Oh my God.
I knew it.
So you hooked up with a stranger on the bus
and you got a blowjob.
Was I in the bus?
No one was in the bus.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Thank God. Your hand is on the Bible. Was somebody on the bus? No one was in the bus. No, no, no, no, no, no. Your hand is on the Bible.
Was somebody on the bus?
Bobby was sleeping on the bus.
Wait, let me ask you something.
Oh my God, dude!
So I was sleeping on the bus.
And you were getting slurped.
You were getting slurped while Bobby snoozed.
But did you eat her out?
Oh my God!
Fairness, fairness. Did you? Did you recipro her out? Oh my God. Oh my God, that's deep. Fairness, fairness. But did you eat her out?
Fairness.
Did you, did you reciprocate?
Of course.
Okay.
What?
Put your, keep your hand there.
Keep your hand on the Bible,
don't take it away from the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
We should do this with everybody.
I agree.
I agree.
I agree.
Jules?
What?
Rudy, give her the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
Give her the Bible.
Yeah, yeah.
Just give it to her, give it to her, give it to her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And put your hand on it, please, thank you. Hand on the Bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's sweating. Yeah, just give it to her. Give it to her. Give it to her. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, and put your hand on it, please. Thank you hand on the Bible. Yeah
You were sweating your ass up, you know, can I be honest with you dude that was dude
I want to say this. I know you love him more
No, I know I know I'll tell you why not true
there was a point when we first met where I liked him more, with McCone more, but because
he was getting so much love from both of us, I had to be the bad guy.
Right?
So I love you so much, I really do, but I choose to treat you in a certain way because
you can't have it all.
I understand.
You understand that.
Like when you lost your headphones, I got you a headphone.
I care about you.
You know what I mean?
But don't make that up.
But don't let it confuse that I don't love you.
Because I deeply love you.
So when you looked at me in the eyes and said you love him
more, it hurt a little bit.
But I get it.
All right?
But I fucking, you know what?
You know what?
My goal from now on is to get more love from you.
Okay.
Interesting.
I'll give you more love.
No, I don't want it.
You know he gave away those AirPods.
I know they did.
That's what, see, that's what I'm saying.
He found his original pair.
The idiot didn't even lose them.
Kind of like the time that you thought
you left your car keys at the casino
and they were in your fucking backpack.
Yeah. Dumb guy alert.
Bing, bing, bing. Raise your hand if you're a dumb guy.
The way he treats you? I wouldn't ever say something like that.
He knows what's underneath it.
Okay, Jules, go ahead.
He knows what's underneath it. My little brother.
Put your hand on the right.
One on your heart. Your hand on your heart.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, if you have one.
Do you love me more than you love Andrew?
Oh.
I mean, I know the answer. I'm not even holding the button. not even hold it go ahead just say it that's gotta be a yes yes of course yeah
yeah out of the three oh no no God is watching that's watching. Out of those three, who do you love the most? Andres. Yeah.
The second.
God's watching.
Carlos.
Right.
And Macone's the third.
Does Macone give you the creeps?
No.
Okay.
Does Carlos give you the creeps?
No. Does Andres give you the creeps? No Does Andres give you the creeps? No
McCone who's kind of your age? Mm-hmm. If he asked you on a date. All right
What she's hands on the Bible hands on the Bible hands on the Bible if he asked you on a date
Would you go on a date with McCone?
No
If you're single if you're single you have boyfriend. Or do you not have a boyfriend anymore?
I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah, but if you were.
Single.
Yeah.
No.
Okay.
No. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh The kid's got a sweet tooth. Do you still like your boyfriend?
Yes.
You do?
That was fast.
Do you think you love him?
Yes.
Okay.
Are you in love with him?
Mm-hmm.
Wow.
No, no, no, no.
God doesn't accept mm-hmms.
Yes.
Wow.
Mm-hmm.
Do you view me, just, do you view me as a family member? Yes
Bob
You know what's interesting about this it's fancies day, but we're really taking all
Fuck it yeah, fuck we've got an El Mariachi the flag
Stop bagging this is great. This is great. Keep your hand on there. Yeah handle the Bible. Yeah
Shut up, fancy, stop begging. This is great, this is great.
Keep your hand on there.
Yeah, hand on the Bible.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Out of all of us in the room,
aside from my friend here, okay?
The ones that work here, right?
Just name me the person that you would be
the least saddest that died.
Oh my God, that's mean.
It doesn't matter, you still love the person,
but the least saddest.
God's listening.
God's listening God's listening
We already know who it is
Yeah
But it's because I haven't known hey hand on your heart
God doesn't want excuses. Yeah, you have any more questions are you good?
Should we get Carlos here? Yeah, I'm afraid he can't can't touch that Bible, that'll hurt. You might fucking melt.
Yeah.
What?
Come grab the Bible and let's give it to Carlos.
Yeah, give it to Carlos.
This is great.
So much sweat.
You guys are all sweating in the Bible?
It is actually very interesting.
It's a good...
Well, you and I haven't done it.
Yeah, we will.
Okay, I wanna do it. I wanna have a chance. No, you and I haven't done it. Yeah, we will. Okay, I want to do it.
I want to have a chance.
No, what are you?
Oh, there you go.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Carlos.
Right hand on the Bible.
Carlos, has there ever been a time
where you wanted to beat the shit out of me?
No.
Oh, wait.
Give me the Bible.
I got mad at you in Atlanta.
Yeah, but you wanted to beat the shit out of me?
No.
Okay.
Wait, why in Atlanta?
He was just like in a particularly bad mood that night.
It was like one of the only times I've ever gotten mad at Bobby.
All right.
I hit you hard, I think.
In the back of the head or something.
Did I come back and just smack you in the head or something?
Yeah, I forget what happened.
Okay, okay.
But you made it up by taking me to Waffle House.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Go ahead.
Have you been sober for the full 94 days?
Yes.
Yes.
He's the guy, yeah.
I know.
Yeah.
Just got to test him a little bit.
Have you had a glory hole recently?
No.
I looked up gnocchi tables, but no glory hole.
Have you ever swallowed? Hmm.
God is also listening to the questions.
I think he's okay with it.
God listens to the questions.
I think he's okay with it.
Yeah, okay, both.
Yeah, you're right.
Have you ever swallowed cum?
Oh, okay.
No.
Your own cum.
Hmm.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
We've all tried it.
No.
Never.
What do you, you have in your life have tried your own car the Bible bring the Bible?
Never bring the Bible never have you know what I don't want to play this game
No, you have to I'm not playing we all are fuck no fuck no no I never have never have you ever in your own boogers never
Fuck no, dude. No, I never have, never.
Have you ever eaten your own boogers?
Never.
Hand of the Bible, never.
Wow. Never.
Have you ever stuck your finger
in between your butthole and smelled it?
Big time.
You've done that.
Big time.
Very good, that's good.
Big time.
Yeah, yeah.
Have you ever touched another man's penis?
Only with my butt.
Excuse me?
No hands.
Okay.
I just.
But you.
No, no I never have.
You never have.
No I never have.
With your leg yes.
His penis with my leg, yes.
You brushed your penis against my leg.
Yeah. Yeah.
God saw that.
God saw that, yeah.
God liked it.
I don't think so.
He had a chuckle.
No I didn't. Oh saw that, yeah. God liked it. I don't think so. Get a chuckle. No, why didn't?
Oh, give it to me.
This is gonna be so hard.
Are we gonna get, is this gonna be bad?
We're not, we're-
No, this is not, this is being truthful.
Can I tell you though?
What?
Big fan of this book.
It's a great book.
No, it is a really great book.
Some really good lessons in there,
some good life structure.
Bobby, hand on your heart.
I really do believe in God, so this is hard.
I do too.
I really do believe in God.
I believe in God, what do you mean?
Go ahead.
Who do you love in this room the most?
Jules.
Whoa!
Pfft.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hmm hmm.
You're second, just go second.
Ask me second.
Who's second?
You are.
Mm hmm.
Who's the least?
Who I love the least in the room? Oh come on, we know.
That's a hard one.
That is actually really hard.
It's a really hard one.
I think I know.
Yes.
I think it's fancy.
It's not Carlos.
I think you're right.
On his birthday.
That's amazing, dude. But it's so close.
You're so close, dude.
Last but one.
Alright, go ahead.
You know what's funny? I tried to get you those Dizidual shirts that you like so much.
You know those stupid shirts you used to wear all the time with the bullshit on them?
We literally tried...
Oh, he's wearing one right now. That's a Dizidual shirt.
Dizidual.
What? Dizidual?
It's spelled Dizidual, right? wearing one right now. That's a Desigual shirt. Desigual. What? Desigual?
It's spelled Desigual, right?
No, Desigual.
Desigual?
Yeah.
We looked up Carlos and I to try to find where we could get these shirts.
They're all permanently closed.
There's no stores anywhere.
He's the only guy.
He's the only guy that we know that wears these shirts.
They don't sell them anywhere.
We were trying to buy him a whole bunch of them.
You can't find them.
Yeah, they're not good. Where do you get them from now? It's fun. Yeah, so you order them from Spain
How much does that sure cost by the way?
But the stores in Spain they're open in Spain, right? Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's just shows how behind they are
My hands burning. So go ahead
Hand on your heart then
Would you ever fuck a guy?
No.
Okay dude, hand on the Bible.
No.
Put your hand flat.
No.
There.
Blow job.
No, with who?
A guy.
Who?
Who?
Who, yeah, well it is-
Give me a name, give me a name.
Idris Ilba.
Tom Hardy.
No, not Tom Hardy, no.
Kiss on the day. There's a new guy, there's a new guy that I would Tom Hardy. No, not Tom Hardy, no. Kiss, kiss.
There's a new guy.
There's a new guy that I would.
There's a new guy that's hot right now that I would.
Who?
You know who.
Oh yeah, I know.
Which one?
The kid in Dune.
Timothy?
Calamay.
No.
No, what do you mean?
Austin Butler?
Elvis.
I would fuck him.
Hunk a hunk a burning love.
I would fuck Austin Butler.
Out of my hand on my eyeball. Liquid Death.
You guys, I don't care what you think about water,
but I do because Liquid Death is the best water in town.
Look at it right here.
I won't even go around town with no other water.
Here's the deal.
I love Liquid Death.
I asked them to send us cans before they ever sponsored us
because I love a tall boy.
I want to walk with a tall boy
and feel like a tall boy that I am.
It even makes Bobby a little bit taller.
He used to be five foot four.
Now he's five five after drinking Liquid Death.
Look like a five five right now, dude.
Mandatory disclaimer, Liquid Death
will not make you any taller.
But Liquid Death is delicious.
They come in different flavors, sparkling lime,
and my favorite is mango, mango, mango, mango.
I love Liquid Death.
And Liquid Death does the best celebrity collabs like with Travis Barker and-
And Bad Friends.
How about Bad Friends?
Yeah, Bad Friends.
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That's liquiddeath.com slash bad friends,
liquiddeath.com slash bad friends.
Manscaped.
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That's right, that's the rhythm is all mine, dude.
And let me say something, the only thing I use is Manscaped
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Nothing like a little spring cleaning in your pants.
Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I'll fuck. Why do you have no chance? No chance. Yeah, you're not
his style. You know what's so funny? He's not you're not his style
Has you know he's so fun. You know what's so funny. Yeah, here's what why you just said that because I said that I love you the least
And I'm gonna be on my hand of the Bible dude. It's so close. I can't even you're mean yeah It's so close. I like I love all three of you. Who's the second to the last of
Who I love my cone it goes you me Carlos McCone. Yeah exactly in that order
It's not hard because I've known Carlos for so long. Yeah, you know, I love I feel you know empathy for him
There's a sadness about him that I just root for you. It's in his eyes. Yeah, are we done with this part?
Yeah, but be nice to it
Thank you. Can I have it?
Yeah, go ahead.
Do you want this?
Oh, you left some gook on it.
Yeah.
I think we should leave it.
Is that where the word comes from?
What?
You left some gook on this.
That's gook, that's where gook comes from.
You left a little bit of gook on that.
You wanna say gook, go ahead and say it.
No, it's gook.
It's gook, it's gook.
We know gook, it's a Midwest term.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You left some gook on this.
Yeah, I did. You gooked up my Bible, didn't you? I did gook out It's gook. It's gook. We know gook. It's a Midwest term.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You left some gook on this.
Yeah, I did.
You gooked up my Bible, didn't you?
I did gook it up.
You know?
How have you been?
We haven't seen you in so long.
How have you actually been?
I've been good.
Just- Well, she has to go back to redo your-
Oh, yeah.
Where my visa.
She might not come back.
Seriously?
Yeah. Thanks to colonization, here's how Filipinos
can become Spanish citizens in just two years.
Do you wanna join Spain?
Well, yeah.
You would become Spanish?
Yeah, like, their language is so hot to me,
like, I just wanna fuck everyone there.
Okay, Jesus.
No you don't.
No, she does.
Can I be honest with you?
I don't need the Bible for this
You've expressed some things to me about women
Yes
Yeah, and I think that you I think you may prefer prefer them
Okay, also fuck Spanish women. Yeah
They do have women there. I know they do they have men and women there. Yeah
Not just effeminate men like fancy. They have men and women there. Yeah. Not just effeminate men like Fancy.
They have men and real women.
They have beautiful women there.
Gorgeous, stunning, unbelievable.
Big butts.
And I like them, I cannot lie.
I love the big ones.
Cannot lie, how much I like them.
I like flat ones.
Really?
Why not?
But.
You got a little, you got a little,
I like a good shitter.
I think you gotta have a nice shitter.
That's fine.
No, you gotta have a nice thick butt.
Because now we're excluding so many Asians.
Well, it's easier for you to get in from the back.
That's why.
God, that hurts so bad.
Well, it's true.
Too much of a barrier.
You can't fuck a big butt girl.
You'll never get there.
You'll never get there.
But I can try.
Your dick will be whispering at it.
Is it better with big butts?
Sex?
Yeah.
Do they like hold it?
Big butts are the best.
You can hold on to them.
But do they also grip the dick?
Yes they do.
Yes they do.
They do.
So you remember that guy that got his hand caught in the fucking canyon and he died or
he chopped his hand off? You mean 127 hours? Yeah, yeah. That's going to be my dick and a big
butt. Yeah, that's right. You'll have to cut it off. You hear me? Cut it off. I can't get there.
You'll have to slice it off. Nancy, do you remember, what's your most memorable birthday?
What's a great birthday memory? I
Think exactly ten years ago George and the guys took me to the desert and
We did a huge party there with a lot of my friends
Was there mushrooms and acid involved? Yes. Did you do drugs? I did do what did you do? I?
Forgotten the cactus then the what are you do? I forgot the cactus thing.
What? Ayahuasca?
I don't know.
Peyote?
Oh, Peyote.
You did Peyote?
Who had Peyote in your group?
George.
It's gotta be George.
What is his deal?
Because you know he has chickens and eggs.
I know.
Yeah, I know.
He does all that.
Peyote, eggs.
He's so weird.
He loves it.
So you smoked Peyote? Uh-huh. Some of my friends started like riding around like they fell through cliffs. It was really fun. You enjoyed that?
Almost in a wild time. Yeah, wild time.
But now... Father. You're a dad. You're an old dad.
Not here on my birthday.
Okay.
Which is better. Well, it is okay.
Did those guys get you a mariachi band?
No.
Okay.
True, true.
I mean, they took you to the fucking desert.
I'll take you to the desert.
I wonder what I want September when I'm 53.
You're thinking about your gifts already?
I mean, I want a band.
I want a band.
I want what you got.
I want clothes.
Yeah, but you want like a famous band to come play for you.
You wouldn't settle for unknown.
Green Day, get me Green Day.
You want me to get you Green Day for your birthday?
Yeah, I think they would do it.
Yeah, for a lot of money.
No, I think they would.
What do you mean?
I know them.
So they would play your 50th birthday?
I think if you ask Billy Joel,
he'll come here and do an acoustic song.
Sure.
In our studio?
Yep.
Okay. He sent me coffee. Sure. In our studio? Yep. Okay.
He sent me coffee.
Oh, that's the same thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think I could ever convince a famous band
like that to ever do, I mean, you could do it.
You have that kind of pull.
I don't have that.
Oh my God, this guy, I swear to God.
Can I just tell you, I mean, I can't even.
What are you talking about?
I'm not friends with some fans.
It's just the conversations I have with people
in this town, it's just like, you're on fire right now. I'm not talking to some fans. It's just the conversations I have with people in this town.
It's just like, you're on fire right now.
I'm not talking to anybody in the town.
I'm just saying, you know so many people.
Tito, Andrew, I have a question.
Go ahead.
Here she is.
Is Zac Efron really, really hot?
Ask me, I met him too.
And smells good.
He does smell very good.
Is he just like so heavenly?
He's very, he's a very pretty man.
You know, Tito Bobby got to hug him for 10 seconds straight.
How did it feel?
Mucho mucho.
Mucho mucho.
Is he just all hard?
He's hard as a rock.
When you look at it, his eyes are beautiful.
He's got such a great face, it's chiseled.
But can I say this too?
He's super sweet.
He's a great guy. He's a great guy.
He's a great guy.
I know.
You can just tell, like, you know, he just got,
you know, I mean, he was just so real with me
and so nice and giving.
So was John.
I mean, that was a great, you know,
that was a great encounter.
It was a good moment in time for him.
Loved it.
It was.
And you know what?
You'll never get to meet him.
It's okay. I thought about bringing you though, didn't I? I said, man, should we know what? You'll never get to meet him. It's okay.
I thought about bringing you though, didn't I?
I said, maybe should we bring her?
No.
Why, you don't want to meet him?
No.
Why, don't want to meet your heroes type of thing?
He'll let you down?
I just don't want to.
But also Jules, she admitted to me the other day,
she gets recognized now on the streets.
Really?
Finally.
Yeah, it's-
You're really embracing it.
I don't like it.
You love it kinda. No, cause I really embracing it. I don't like it. You love it kinda.
No, cause I'm just like, I don't use my brain
when I go out and then they're just like, Rudy.
And I'm just like, I don't-
Very different than when you're here.
Is that what you're saying?
Whoa, snipe.
Yeah.
And why'd you meet Miss Long Beach?
Who's Miss Long Beach?
Huh?
We had a big Long Beach show that you didn't show up to.
Oh yeah, what was that about? Oh no, because I had to, we're fostering puppies Miss who's miss Long Beach? Huh? We had a big Long Beach show that you didn't show up to oh, yeah
What was that about because I had to we're we're fostering puppies and no one had oh you fucking bitch
Feature of the night. I know fentanyl was gonna walk in here. Yeah, dude. You came at a bad time
Yeah, yeah get in here get in here you fucking lady
Yeah, yeah, come on in you don't want don't want to do it. Do you remember her?
Does it your back hurt when you walk you just seem like your back hurts when you walk?
Yes, oh how are those good? Yeah 1099
McCone say hi
Be nice.
Carlos say hello.
Hi, Eleanor.
Yeah, because you've known Carlos as much as a long time.
A long time.
Yeah, yeah.
And you saw him do standup back in the day.
I wouldn't call it standup.
Yeah, yeah.
Here's a one man show.
What would you call what Carlos used to do back in the day? Get on stage. Get on stage. Yeah, here we yeah. His one-man show. What would you call what Carlos used to do back in the day? Uh, get on stage.
Get on stage.
Yeah, he would go all...
Yeah.
Yeah.
He would go up there.
Yeah. I would talk.
And then he would run down.
Who was his generation?
He was terrified.
Who was around when...
Like, Astor was around.
Was Tony Hinchclap back then?
Oh, yeah.
Tony, you...
Matt Edgar, people.
Who bought the worst out of all the people that were in that group?
Hi, how are you?
Yeah?
Not answering that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So Eleanor was a waitress at the store for many years.
Yes.
Server.
Server, she became a standup.
And she went, I think you're the only person
that went from server, at least at the store, to become a paid regular
at the store and become a legitimate headliner comic.
Is that true?
Are you the only server that?
Yeah, well, because I didn't start as a comic,
so yeah, I think that's what,
every waitress that turned comic,
Mitzi got rid of immediately, they were terrible.
Wait, well they were bad or it was like part of the thing
where she was gonna, you were not?
No, they were just terrible.
Oh, okay.
Are there servers now that wanna do standup
that hasn't done it?
Yeah, like Punky Johnson is pretty incredible,
but she started as a comic.
Right, and then she got a job there.
That's incredible.
Yeah, so what she did I think is more impressive, no?
She's on SNL.
Yeah, I think that's a huge thing.
Wild.
Giant.
But you led the way.
You led the way, you're the Ellen. I am. You're the Ellen. Yeah, I think that's a huge thing. Wild. Giant. But you led the way.
You led the way.
You're the Ellen.
I am.
You're the Ellen.
Yeah, I'm the Ellen.
I like this look on you.
Do I look nice?
No.
Oh, come on.
Yeah.
I like it though.
It smells so good.
Thank you.
It's vanilla.
I can't get white enough.
I just rub it in.
What does she smell like, Eleanor?
We never really know,
because she kind of wafs in and wafs out.
Lean in.
She smells not-
Lean in.
Are you loving it really?
Yeah, sniff.
She smells good.
Why'd you make me do that?
I don't know, but you did it.
She smells very good.
Not like the jungle or anything like that, huh?
Give me the Bible again.
That's not nice.
Give me the Bible again.
That's not nice.
Give me the Bible again. It smells nice. Eleanor, I want to say something right now. On the Bible?. Give me the Bible again. No, hold on. Give me the Bible again. Eleanor, I wanna say something right now.
On the Bible?
My hand on the Bible, all right?
I fucking hated you so much for so long.
You don't need the Bible for that.
I know.
I know I don't.
For so fucking long, and when you started becoming
a comic and then you became funny,
it used to burn my soul.
So you're saying I wasn't funny before.
No, I just, no, I didn't really know you that well.
I think once I moved to LA, we hated each other.
No, it wasn't instantly, we used to hang out.
A little bit, yeah.
What happened?
We've already gone through years of talking about it.
Yeah, well we're on the show now.
I know, all right.
Well, she-
Well, you know Bobby.
Yeah, yes, yeah.
That's it.
Yeah, okay, that's right. You know what? That know what fucking room I get it. I actually get it now. I've had problems with many many people
But you solve them amazing. I don't solve them. Some of them are still problems
But guess what I don't give a fuck yeah, I will go down fighting good should I mean I'm gonna be that guy
Yeah, who's that guy?
Who is that guy? You're gonna be you.
What?
Who is that guy?
Fucking, what do you see?
An idiot.
No.
How come he's not wearing any getup?
He had it on, he got too sweaty.
I was a fucking bull, but I got too sweaty.
He gets really sweaty.
Right.
Really sweaty.
This guy right here has those bullet vests.
Oh, you've got bullet vests, yeah.
I got a sombrero on.
Yeah.
Right?
I also have a fucking COVID mask.
Yeah.
I have a COVID mask, right?
It's sort of like a, anyway, I got guns.
You do have guns.
Right.
I'm a smoky too.
Yeah, big time.
No, because I've been in a fire.
No, you've been smoking again.
That too.
Yeah.
Right.
And that's who I am, a warrior. And I will start a war. But you just said you're not a hunter or a fire. No, you've been smoking again. That too. Right. And that's who I am, a warrior. And I will start a war.
But you just said you're not a hunter or a warrior.
Yeah, you did say you're not a hunter at all.
No, I am a hunter.
I just pick and choose.
But Chocolate Swirl is more of a hunter than you are.
He's a leader of the pack.
Anyway.
A leader.
Eleanor, are you promoting a movie or a special?
Yeah, a big movie.
My special.
Are you promoting a particular, what the fuck was that? Are you promoting something? Yeah, big movie. Yeah, my special. Are you promoting a particular,
a particular, what the fuck was that?
Are you promoting something?
Yeah.
You just fucking stare at me.
You know she's promoting a special.
I know she is.
Eleanor, tell Bobby what a comedy special is.
Or I mean your comedy special.
Hold on a second.
That came out wrong.
Wait, can I ask you a question?
That came out wrong.
You still don't have a special?
No.
Why?
Why?
You just don't want to.
I'll do what I do.
Every day is a special for Bobby.
Okay.
That's right.
Special means-
It does.
It does.
It does.
That's fantastic.
I might be.
Okay.
I'll defend Robert right now.
I'll defend him.
I don't want to... You're here on the program, right, to talk about your special.
Yes.
That has nothing to do with me.
Yeah, but let's talk about his.
Okay.
I think, I think Bobby hasn't put out a special because he-
Nobody wants to do one.
What?
No, people will do one with you.
I think you don't want to do it because you're-
Afraid.
You're a little afraid of it because it's a daunting task, as any comic knows.
It's a fucking nightmare.
And you've chosen to not and still had a successful career.
So why?
Pretty impressive.
It's amazing.
But you've done Comedy Central Presents and things like that.
Nothing.
He's never done any TV.
Shut it.
I did the Tonight Show a long time ago.
I did a premium blend.
A couple of K Locos. You do two K Locos. A couple of K Locos. I did the Tonight Show a long time ago. I did a premium blend.
Premium blend?
A couple of K locos.
You had two K locos.
A couple of K locos.
That's a thing though.
It's not like a full whatever, but.
Yeah.
Let me ask you guys a question if I may.
You know what?
I'm in a corner.
But you do have a great career.
That's why.
May I defend myself?
I defended you.
I said something mean.
May I just say my piece?
Let me say my piece because everyone's giggling
like little school Children right now.
It'd be on my back.
Okay, laugh.
Fun time.
Laugh.
Laugh at my expense.
Bob, it's-
No, I'm not done.
Eleanor, tell us about your special.
It's called-
It's called-
What's it called?
Let me talk, though.
No, fuck you, what's it called?
Fuck you, dude.
Fuck you, shut up. All right. What's it called? Fuck you, dude.
Fuck you.
Shut up.
All right.
What's it called?
No Country for Old Women.
Oh, I like that.
I love it.
Oh, I like that.
That's a great one.
Tell me it's not spelled C-U-N-T.
I wanted it.
I know you did.
I know you did.
I was like, but you know what's going to happen is the streamers will be like, we can't broadcast.
We can't.
Yeah, I know.
No Country for Old Women is so good.
When is it going to be released?
It's out.
It's out right now. Thanks for watching.
I loved it.
I loved it.
Yeah, you loved it.
Tell her your favorite joke.
I think I sent you a...
Yeah, you did.
I think I did.
You did send me something, and I never looked at it.
I'm so sorry.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Tell us your favorite joke.
Oh, the thing where you go...
That's your bit.
My favorite bit.
That's my favorite.
That's such a good opener.
That's your bit.
Oh, that is, yeah, yeah.
Where did you film it? At the store, in the original room.
The best.
That's great.
I talked last night about how that's the greatest room.
There's something about that that's magical.
Really is.
I got lucky.
My friend Lexi directed it, and she loved,
she was a comic with Carlos and I back in the day
when we were with Lexi Shoemaker.
Thanks, dude.
She really lit up the room perfectly
and like kept it,
cause I really wanted to show the OR.
Did you do it on a week night or a weekend?
Sunday.
Wow. Perfect.
That's great.
One of my favorite nights in that fucking room
is when it's old Sunday night.
It really is.
I don't know why it's just Sunday and like-
The energy is insane.
What's the worst night in the OR?
This is a better question.
Tuesday.
Tuesday.
Ah, that's up there.
We just did this last night for some reason.
I set, Brennan goes.
Even a Wednesday could be two or five.
Sometimes, but Tuesday is, I don't know what Tuesday is.
Last night I called-
Let's change that, by the way, audience people
that go to this comedy tour.
Yeah, let's get it together.
Cut it out on fucking Tuesday.
Last night I called you, why?
Bad set?
I had a terrible set in the OR, man.
He called me, and honestly, of all the years that we joke on the phone,
this was like a, I actually felt bad.
I told him I'd come meet up with him
because he was being genuine.
He was like, I'm really in a bad place.
And I said, well, what's going on?
I got like honestly concerned.
I thought something maybe happened.
God forbid.
And he goes, I'm embarrassed.
I fucking felt embarrassed.
I got in my car the moment I got off stage.
I did the same thing.
He goes, somebody stood in the first
Somebody was there's a fucking all right. What's going on?
One of the servers was like
Okay
What did he do he was
I'm doing a setup of a joke. Are you in the OR or main room? Main room. He's standing in the front of the fucking... just standing there.
Taking an order.
I don't know why he's just standing there like this, pulling focus.
And I wanted to... I was so mad I was going to go, what are you doing?
Because you were there when the Mitzi was around. How fast would that person be fired?
Fast.
Immediately.
Same night.
I'd have to ask them to leave
and just take the tray out of their hand.
Yeah.
That's how it happened a million times.
Well, because you know when you were serving,
people got fired.
You were not to be seen.
Right.
And it was not only the interest store,
it's called the comedy store.
Yeah, thank you.
She said it on repeat.
She said that all the time.
Thank you.
All the time. Thank you. Wow.
I walked off stage, I went to the manager,
I got in the car, I called him out,
it was literally like, I think I'm gonna drink.
Yeah, he really was.
You were in one of those weird places
where I could tell you were pretty dark.
It hurt.
And when you bomb like that, it's embarrassing.
Listen, I bombed in the OR last night,
and I got, everybody was like, hey, where you going?
I go, I gotta get some out of my car.
Yeah.
And I just left.
Yeah, yeah.
Isn't that funny? We all do that. Real twat. You look at your shoes and you go, I gotta get some out of my car. And I just left. Just left. Isn't that funny?
We all do that.
Real twat.
You look at your shoes and you go, I gotta get a...
Yeah, I'm gonna get a...
You know what my trick is when I wanna go.
What?
I'm on the phone.
I gotta...
Oh, the phone is great.
I go, fuck, I'm sorry.
I gotta...
I gotta take this.
And then the moment I get in the car.
It's 1 a.m.
Phone down, driving sad, staring off into the abyss.
What wall could I hit?
Will that ever go away?
No! I hope not.
No.
Because that means you care.
You still care that you didn't do well or whatever.
I'm sure you did fine, but you had that moment that made you rethink every single-
I'm sure you did fine.
No.
No, you did.
Even the piano player was like-
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
And he always plays.
Chris.
Yeah, Chris. It always is fun. And he was like. Really? Yeah. And he always plays Chris. Yeah, Chris.
He always is fun.
And he was just like.
Eleanor, can we talk about your specials available right now?
No country for old women.
You see it right now.
Yes.
YouTube.
And it's on the Comedy, I keep saying that, Comedy Store YouTube.
Comedy Store YouTube.
You know how Mitzi always wanted the Comedy Channel?
So she, we had all this paper,
like she had everything made up,
the Comedy Channel, Comedy Channel,
and then the Comedy Central took it
and she lost her fucking mind.
But she still had all that paperwork,
so a lot of times I'd send stuff out
and it'd be like on Comedy Channel letterhead
and Comedy Channel envelopes.
And she's like, just use them.
And I'm like, okay.
I went and people were like,
what the fuck is the comedy channel?
I'm like, I don't, it's not a thing.
I don't want to get into it.
Yeah, it's a subsidiary of Comedy Central.
And did you would make me use those to send mostly
to the comedy store in England to tell them to stop
and using their name.
Please.
Why am I standing?
I can't wait, I wanna watch it.
I haven't taken a good picture in that club
since I fucking got in there.
Every time they get a photo of me I'm like,
I'm like a gangly moron in the hallway.
Like how did you beat Down syndrome?
Like a single fucking picture.
How long did you and Andrew date, I forget.
Like five years.
What's that like?
I mean, what's that like? I mean, Andrew Dice, what's that like? It's like our videos.
It's intact.
That same relationship when you guys are together.
Screaming at each other.
Same thing.
Constant.
Always.
You know when Dice, every time he sees me, he'll pull over and we'll talk for an hour.
That's how much I love him.
Yeah, and he loves you too.
Yeah, he's, what a great guy. Legend's how much I love him. Yeah, and he loves you too. Yeah, he's what a great guy.
Legend.
I don't know him, I don't know.
We really had a lot of fun together.
Oh, that's the SAG Awards when he did,
oh, Star is Born, shit.
Oh yeah, he was completely bad.
He was great.
He played Libby Garner's dad.
He was great in that.
So he didn't have a girlfriend at the time,
so he was like, hey, we're nominated as an ensemble cast.
So he was like, I don't were nominated as an ensemble cast. Wow.
So she was like, I don't want to go by myself.
I feel like a dick.
So I went with them.
Did you guys have a blast?
We did.
We had so much fun.
Did you meet Lady Gaga?
Of course.
Eddie Griffin was there.
I was on set with him most of the whole time.
But Eddie Griffin was there.
So I was more comfortable.
Eddie was in the movie.
Did you see the movie?
Yeah.
Eddie Griffin was in Starsborn?
Yeah.
What did he play? He's the star.
It's about him, it's him and Bradley Cooper.
They're besties.
Dave Chappelle was in it.
I know Chappelle was in it, Eddie Griffin was.
All the good comments.
See?
All the good comments.
The scene though.
Okay, let's end the pie, I would sit so long.
What's your problem?
We promote the, we promote, it's great. I loved her.
You didn't even watch it, you piece of shit.
I don't know why we made up.
Hey, hey, I'm sorry.
I love you.
And I'm gonna watch a special, I'm gonna promote it.
I want you to watch it and give me notes on what you like.
You know what, in fact, I'll go on my Instagram.
I'll just give you two clips.
Can you watch a clip?
He'll watch a clip.
Not only that, send me a clip on my Instagram and I will post it on my Instagram. I'll just give you two clips. Can you watch a clip? He'll watch a clip.
Not only that, send me a clip on my Instagram and I will post it on my Instagram.
I don't even know where it is.
Okay.
Yeah.
I need some followers.
I'm going to do you a favor.
You do have followers.
Yeah, so it'll be great.
I need some followers.
Well, you're going to get them from this.
Eleanor is one of my favorite people.
I love her so much.
I love her more, but it's fine.
I think that's true that Andrew.
Please watch No Country for Old Women on the Comedy Story YouTube page.
We'll put the link in the description below.
We appreciate you so much, Eleanor.
We love you.
And look in the camera, Eleanor, and say thank you for being a bad friend.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,