Chubby Behemoth - Marvel VS Catcall
Episode Date: March 11, 2024BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth This week the boys debate if they were the heaviest load a couch has felt, learned a new term for Italians, and imagine what it would be like ...to join the X-Men. Anything and everything is possible at an Extended Stay America. Nathan shares an encounter with a gun wielding crazy man. Sam almost got got by the mud. Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth Mutiny Coffee: mutinyonmainstreet@gmail.com
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all righty you hit record oh yeah we are in video mode i hit record did you put it to video mode
yeah it was the little timer was there all right cool hey hey count it we are expert broadcasters
and also pretty decent podcasters longtime listeners of the show will know that we are in two beds which means this pod's about to be
fucking hot i just showered but i'm ready to get sweaty i showered too and i gotta say did it hold
the heat that you needed the whole time i think so yeah yeah it didn't like drop off did you get
iced out no no i just go super hot when i get in there, and I just had to burn away three days of New York City transit.
I haven't showered since we arrived.
I'm your nasty little guy.
It's me, King Pig.
You don't stink, which is crazy.
Or it takes a lot.
Yeah, I don't know.
I think it's the vegan diet at home kind of eradicates any...
I don't have any death inside of me for about four out of seven days a week and the cigs and uh hydration being dried out can make you uh stink is that true decay
i think so i mean water does miracles it keeps us alive so i think without it yeah things start
to smell worse well i don't know about this water because i'm drinking the beth page new york econo lodge water right out of the tap we're in beth page slash slash hicksville slash levittown
slash good boy city like it's funny how many like little neighborhoods and towns are on this little
island townlets i call them townlets chodelets yeah That's the people that we podcasted with this morning.
Yeah, no, they're good guys.
The old school crew.
Yeah, Uncle Hour.
Look at all my uncles,
my funny uncles.
Hey, I'm Skippy.
This is John.
We got Tony.
We got Nick.
We got Donnie.
Oh, we got Donnie.
Hey, calling in later from from hempstead
yeah no that was fun to hang out with we just did but they were yeah they were funny and nice
how about some of those guys surprised us oh yeah love a love a fake leg reveal
love a b what you wanted to draw it out you had a fake leg folks the blind eye of it
no yeah there was uh these three dudes we went in and did their radio show for the governor's
comedy club radio network and that's an empire you know there's there's a lot of banners outside
advertising the different combos of men. Yes.
Young and old alike.
One fat, one with a mustache.
One fat, one fatter.
Governors, radio presents.
Somebody wondered, oh, we just did Stavi's World, and somebody wondered, Stavi wondered between us.
Oh, I thought maybe it was the producer Zendig.
But Zangief. I think he is a the producer Zendig.
Zangief.
I think he is a Zangief, too.
No, he said he was from... Oh, he's Albanian.
That's right.
Is that right?
Yeah, that's not a former Soviet Republic.
He's a Belusho.
Albanian oak.
He was great.
But no, Stavi wondered whether we had the record
for most tonnage
on the guest couch.
Carrying capacity.
He mentioned,
are you garbage?
And I feel like
we probably edge them out
because I'm much bigger
than Kevin.
Right,
but I'm smaller
than Foley.
Foley is bigger than you,
but not by enough
to where they would
tip the scales.
You don't think by enough?
No,
because of me.
Because of me versus kevin
i'm gonna say i hope foley's got like 50 to 100 on me yeah but i'm saying i'll bet he maybe he has
60 on you but i have a hundred on kevin kevin's not that big he's not that big he's kind of a
normal looking guy nobody would ever be like pu yeah my God, you need to get two seats on this aeroplane.
No woman would be like, aren't you supposed to be in the garbage?
Yeah, two Kevins can fit through one doorway side by side.
Yes.
You and another lun.
If my experiments work out and I grow another lun to replace you,
then yeah, you guys couldn't go side by side through any doorway no
i've i've gotten big uh with no end in sight i mean there's an end in sight it's in a couple
years god damn it but maybe i turn it around get together like me be healthy yeah you were healthy
for a wink and a not for a cup of coffee i've been good yeah you're doing good i know i mean obviously i have so much so much
blubber no room to go organs yeah yeah i do that like the extra organs that i got when i got to
50 000 subscribers on instagram we call them subscribers in the 50k game they hit me up they
said hey you can monetize your account with all these new followers and also here's another pancreas on us welcome to the big leagues kid whoa as soon as you read
the message there was a knock at the door guy with a with a ice cooler no actually i heard
chopper blades and i was like what's that is it time for the culling and i reached for my pitch
fork and then no just a guy on a rope swung in through my living room window,
shattered the glass like Darby Allen, and then handed me a pancreas.
The issue was having to drive out to Elizabeth to get Emily to put it in
because she was working on the farm out there.
Now we're riffing.
She was milking.
Oh, yeah, God.
I'd like her to be able to lactate without being pregnant.
I think that would be fun.
If just whenever her period came, she also lactated.
When you bleed, you also have some free milk to ease the pain.
Right, yeah.
If you're bleeding red, let's make garlic bread.
God dang.
Yeah.
You dropped the G word on the pod,
and I don't know if it's going to come back to bite you in the ass i'm i
think an italian person might bite you in the ass tonight or tomorrow what gay you really you know
voting is gay you talked about uh guineas oh come on that might be and then somebody else was like
ah he meant to say guidos no and then they said sauce monkey. Sauce monkey, I think, is worse than guinea.
It's more fun than any other slur ever.
Makes me think of like a little capuchin who's just like stuck in some like, you know, grandma's gravy.
Swimming around in there.
Yeah.
I thought of an Italian fellow before a night on the town dipping into some lukewarm gravy
and then slicking back the hair with the red.
Right here, right here.
On his wrist, rubbing it together.
Becker style.
No, stop.
We had to put a warning in the episode because I didn't want to trigger people.
Dude.
Hold on real quick.
Do you think Guinea is bad, though?
I think so.
Well, my beautiful mother and her father
William Taylor
They called wife beaters like an A-frame t-shirt
Oh yeah we called them
My mom called them the same thing
Guinea sling?
Oh no
My mom referred to them as if
I had no idea there was a race
An ethnicity involved Until I was an adult.
But as a kid, it was a dégoté.
Dégoté.
And I thought that sounded nice.
Like one word, like French or something.
Yeah.
Dégoté.
You thought it was the brand.
Débutante.
Dilettante.
Dégoté.
Dévoté.
Dévoté.
Yeah, it's right there.
I wear a dévoté.
Découpage.
But no, dégoté. I was like a Devo tee. De coupage. But no, De Goatee.
I was like, ah, mom.
Come on, mom.
Jeez, mom.
Well.
Yeah, it was surprising when I find.
And yeah, so same thing where it's like, let's just call him a wife beater.
God, there's not a good way for that garment to come out of any conversation.
What the fuck?
Cormac McCarthy called them A-frame shirts.
I think that's on the package as an A shirt instead of a T shirt.
Right.
The T is because of the sleeves.
Right.
It looks like you were the Aquabats logo when you walk around.
That's a deep cut.
It's an A.
Yeah, but Becker slurping his fingers
i had to watch it maybe a hundred times yeah you know so pat cut himself a little bit not
not uh down the street but he did cut himself he's using again
i found pat with just a whole bunch he had three vapes in his mouth. The horror. He looked like the Mastodon that you fight in the video game that would really make this joke hit.
But I can't remember the name of it.
Horizon Zero Dawn?
Primal Fear was a banger.
Yeah.
I played the shit out of that game.
It did not have a deep moveset.
I knew that wasn't
right no it wasn't primal fear that was a movie with edward norton no primal fear was the one
primal rage primal rage you couldn't be a mastodon but you could be what a lizard a fucking
king kong who fucking knows man what no that wasn't there no i'm conflating primal rage with
clay fighters remember clay fighters yeah i don't think i liked was that in arcades no i don't think
so i had it at home on my super nintendo entertainment system that my sister would
come in and save over my super mario world saves and then we wouldn't talk. I would just throw a fucking half-filled piss jug at her head
and say, hey, I made you some lemonade.
No, I don't think that...
Clay Fighters was fun because the animation was so cutting edge.
But after you play Street Fighter II,
it's like we don't have anything to talk about
until Tekken 5.
Yeah.
I just don't think,
I mean, look,
Marvel versus Capcom.
Capcom.
Fun games.
Marvel versus Catcall.
Hey, what's up, toots?
Why don't you glow in the dark over here?
I'm like,
Hey, Storm,
I got some skies you can illuminate.
Hey, Jubilee,
I got a couple of balls you can make explode.
Hey, Chun-Li, why don't you make me cum me?
Chun-Li had cakes in that game.
God, I might have caught a little buzz.
Yeah.
A penis buzz.
Hey, Jean Grey, why don't you read my fucking mind right now, toots?
Yeah. You and mystique
yeah you don't have to say it you're just staring at the phoenix going
my dick's gonna rise from your asses it's actually harassing professor xavier i should walk over here and blow me i bet so many people meet professor xavier for the first time
and their first thought is this guy's gonna save mutant kind this guy's my boss
yeah stumpy joe gathers over there i'm gonna sign on to his crazy
one of the ones in your powerful brain to sign on to his crazy fucking scheme.
One of the ones in your powerful brain tell your legs to take a fucking walk.
And he's just sitting there.
He makes you suck your own dick.
He just bends you over.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Hey, what's going on here
is he that is he that strong oh yes telekinesis right most powerful meeting in the world i think
and i feel like jean gray is the one that could make you do stuff too yeah for sure powerful and could make you think things or do things makes
shit your pants makes you think that it's your idea too
makes you say i'm gonna dump in my pants hey everybody
hey take the gumbo off the burner. I'm making my own soup.
Hello, young mutant.
Welcome to Xavier's school.
Hey, I got a question for you.
When's recess? Recess.
Makes you bend the other way to do it all the way
I didn't know he had stretchy powers
he does not he's
sucking his own dick
if anyone has anything else to
say or think
get it out
of the way
if you're hungry for your own seed
the new mutants are like did he make you guys
yeah yeah yeah
it doesn't take a lot
he definitely jumped the gun
I like coughed a little too loud
and all of a sudden
I'm choking on my own ball i looked at
my own i looked at my watch next thing i know
wolverine what's that you're thinking nothing nothing charles nothing professor xavier
very good wol Wolverine.
You're learning.
I knew I would break you.
Cyclops, take your glasses off.
I need a boil, Lance.
Man, Professor Xavier, he's stern but fair.
Beast.
Made me suck my own dick and gave me a D in mutantry?
It's not even a real class.
This sucks.
No.
You know what else sucks? I didn't know I had flight powers.
You don't.
Now drop trow and suck you off.
Rogue.
He's kind of just english putty rogue what happens if you touch your own skin
oh man well we should just turn it off. That was a good one. It's not going to get any better.
Oh, shit.
It's been nine minutes.
Oh, God.
Stretch.
We're ruined.
What other mutants are there that he could make suck?
I thought about Beast ripping a student in half and then making him blow his two parts.
He's putting his two halves together, making him fight.
That'll do.
That's all you need juggernaut beast versus
zangief oh they they i think that was available in marvel versus capcom you gotta go right now
that's why they made the game for guys like us they're sitting around a hotel room blanca versus
beast a smart beast versus a very primal be
once we're seeing them in the same room at the same time mmm yellow and blue
make green now we're green the Incredible Hulk he's involved Marvel
versus Capcom I wish this is the Simpsons yeah the Simpsons. Yeah, the Simpsons aren't on, by the way. Smithers against Beast.
Easy.
Oh, yeah.
There'd be some fighting and then there'd be
some other stuff.
Mr. Burns.
Wait, that...
Mr. Burns.
Mr. Burns.
There's a visitor here.
Who is it, Smithers?
He seems to be wanting a handout for his mutant school.
Send him in.
Ready the dogs.
Hello, Mr. Burns.
Hello, Charles.
I lost it.
I know where he's going.
I don't think he had any of them.
I don't think so either.
I was just letting you piss your own pants.
We need an endowment from you, Mr. Burns.
How much do you want?
500 million dollars.
I'll never give it to you.
Hold on.
You can...
No?
You'll never have it.
I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this
i'm sorry that's the issue are my wings melted charles xavier making people suck their own dick. Might be the peak of this podcast, like all time.
We've had some good peaks.
Have we?
Oh, come on.
We laugh really hard almost every episode.
All right.
We're pretty good at making each other giggle,
especially in one and a half star motel room.
Rancid hotels.
Extended stay America.
What did I tell you last night when we got here?
We would hear some weird sounds and we did. Some
banging. Some weird...
Several times throughout the night. I think
it was the fridge or something.
Some type of AC
thing where it sounded like somebody
knocking like they wanted to scare you.
Yeah, like someone was trapped in the fridge.
Yes. And like just...
Or not even that because it wasn't
panicked.
It was like the Terrifier.
What's his name?
The clown from Terrifier or somebody just knocking a weird little rap so that you get scared, and you're like, who is that?
And you go out there, and you get your head cut off.
And you look to the right, and no one's there.
And you look to the left, and there he is in his golden wheelchair.
Art, I think.
Mr. Charles Xavier do you
have any thoughts I'm lonely penny for your thoughts no you come out there and
you see me sucking my own dick while levitating and spinning almost two
well charge Xavier just sits there clapping along to the rhythms of my fellatio and you just
go back in the room lock the door yeah you said that you were scared last night
i'm scared yeah i was kidding but you did you did say that uh we were in for it
anything and everything was possible had an extended stay america oh yeah i mean the car Yeah, I was kidding. Oh, okay. But you did say that we were in for it.
Anything and everything was possible.
I had an extended stay at America.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, the car alarm every eight minutes.
I locked the door.
I deadbolted the door.
As soon as we came in.
Yeah, it was smart.
Just JIC, just in case. Yeah, there's something right behind my head that just hits about every two hours.
Just a loud thump.
Nice little slam bang.
Right.
Some people live here.
Some people are trying to stay alive in here.
Yeah, the extended stay extends forever here in Bethpage, New York.
Because she's not coming back.
You're never going to see your kids again.
She said it.
She meant it.
Yeah.
And yeah.
She got a certified letter.
She mailed it.
Yeah, you would have to really pull a 180 if you expect to get out of here,
and you're not strong enough, so you're stuck, and you know it.
I don't think anyone in here is going to figure it out.
This is the Kirk Van Houten suite.
There should be race car beds in here,
and just like a poster van and a coal up there to remind you the glory days
when you were selling real estate hicksville yeah yeah we've passed quite a few uh public storage
uh playgrounds and uh bleak out that gas stations yeah yeah it's just a lot of i mean it's suburban
living for sure it was uh hey if we east, maybe there will be less of them.
And there were, but then they came and they settled as well.
They opened up a hair salon on every corner.
I would try to schedule a haircut for tomorrow for Wide World Season 3,
which we're filming next week in eastern Colorado.
A little spoiler.
Yeah, what's after Tokyo and Paris Cairo yeah no Kiowa Lebanon but I need a haircut
Leadville and I went online I searched haircuts near me and all of them said they specialize in
Indian men's hair silky smooth so tomorrow at 1 p.m i'm getting my hair cut by a man named deep and there's a j and an h in his name somehow
so i think i'm it's dj h e e p oh hell yeah so i'm hoping it's just jeep jeep may i park my jeep
it's not going to be cheap jeep hey hey jeep i'm gonna be counting jeep tonight save all the hair
i want the hair.
I want the hair.
I'm making a wig for Mr. Xavier.
I want to fuck my own hair.
Ew.
You do.
That's you.
Beckering?
No.
Beckering.
Giving him all that hair was the highlight of that show.
Watch Wide World episode two if you have not. Funny episode.
More weirdness.
Stranger in a strange land type shit.
You're walking amongst just a whole other world over there.
When are we going to get our fucking Peabody for not smoking weed in Japan?
Peabody?
Peabody Award.
Peabody.
Yeah.
You already have Peabody.
What? Your body either looks like one big pea, like a legume. Peabody. Yeah. You already have Peabody.
What?
Your body either looks like one big pea, like a legume.
It's three, yeah. It's shaped like a pea.
Yeah, your head, your body.
You have your legs today, which is good.
Your ass is a third pea.
I wish.
Your penis is a pea.
My pants would stay up if I had a little pea butt.
Or you look like the sack that a catheter empties into.
You have pee body.
Pee bag.
Pee bag, sure.
Piss bag.
There's a little blood in there,
but not enough to call the nurse in.
Yeah.
It's a healthy amount of blood.
It could be Tabasco.
Someone snuck in some Chipotle for you
because every meal could be your last meal.
Oh, Chipotle.
I'll bet there's nine of them in a four-mile radius.
Yeah, but how are we going to get there?
A lot of chains.
We should have rented a car for this one.
It's chains and then like Uncle Ed's Bagel Deli.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I've been there since like 84.
And check cashing joint.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, it's all right out here, but I could see how people could go a little nuts.
Well, you know the good thing about the suburbs in most parts of the world is that the houses were built 12 years ago so you walk in if you're a little poor kid from albert county you
go to your buddy's house over there in lone tree you know dad left mom got a bunch of money bought
a mcmansion fake tits oh yeah they're dumped they're dumped they're out she threw her bras
away yeah she's been listening to a lot of lit as she gets her groove back stacy's
mom where she's like i'm stacy's mom no no you're russell's grandma
my mom would always drop me off at like jansen cox house and be like oh another mcmansion
fucking cookie cutter and i'd go in there i'd be like this is the greatest house i've ever been in
half of it's not underground mom yeah yeah well going yeah coming from your house that was built in 1894 yeah the west walls are made of fucking hay it
was when people didn't get over 140 pounds and were not taller than five eight well the indian
ghosts who we built that house on top of got their revenge because old Sam T. was unleashed in that house out of nowhere.
You outgrew the house, right?
Yeah, yeah.
You were too big in high school to be in that house.
Middle school.
Yeah.
Were you banished to the clubhouse?
The clubhouse didn't exist until I was in 10th grade.
Oh.
Yeah.
So I had to live in the stables you just had to
you said to roam yeah until the dinner bell i think i love peeling bark so much i was trying
to build myself a house you had to be out there shelter cold yeah made friends with the spiders
uh dude oh we have to tell everybody about our crazy separate adventures where we were in we're knocking
on death's door oh my god same days we we almost lost both of us in a 48 hour period
passed in the ways that we could have passed dude you want me to go first go first yeah paint them
a picture take your time with it no no no no. No, dude. These are both crazy.
I know, but...
Oh, yeah, we have a half hour.
No, I'm not saying milk.
I'm just saying, like, don't...
It's a good story.
Okay.
You told me the whole story.
So, Tuesday, I bartend at the Trinidad Lounge.
Come on down.
Ask for London Tuesdays.
It's still safe, I promise.
No, but there's a few people.
There's 10 people, a dozen people in the bar.
Ladies pool night.
It was, and most of the ladies had left, had finished up league play.
It was just sluts behind.
There were a couple of, yeah, the horniest of the league ladies were sniffing around.
No, there's just a few people in the bar, including a guy who has come in a few times,
seems nice enough, normal enough.
He mentions how 20 years ago
he was in Iraq, he's glad to be
home, whatever.
I think it was the anniversary of his
deployment or something. I thought you said he was
in the movie Arachnophobia.
He couldn't get over it. Dan Aykroyd.
No, John Goodman.
God damn it.
Arachnoid phobia is what I always think about.
So I pictured Danacroid somewhere in the mix.
Wow.
Arachnoid phobia, yeah.
That's a glimpse inside of your mind I never saw.
Oh, be careful.
There's a 15-minute time limit.
It's like a hot tub.
It'll kill a kid if he's in there too long.
So there's this guy, and he seems fine.
But then he goes into the next room to
play pool and after a few minutes a uh a woman that i all i know well you know she's nice uh
nice enough she comes around the corner and goes this guy just called me a fucking cunt he needs to
go and i was like oh good i have to deal with and then he's just screaming around the corner pissed did any part of you when she said he called me a cunt think oh yeah what
did you say no because you have a history with this woman no no ginger beer woman no no okay
she comes into the bar uh now and then she's fine she's she's great she's a jewel yeah but uh she uh
He's a jewel.
Yeah, but she says that this guy needs to go,
and then he proves it because he's screaming.
He has lost his mind.
I'm going to fucking kill you, you bitch.
I'll fucking kill you.
I'll punch you in your fucking face.
Okay.
That's Southern Colorado courtship right there. A guy who works at another bar is walking him out,
which I appreciated.
He's talking to him, and I'm like, hey, hold on. I run his card real quick because I want to walking him out which i appreciated you know he's talking to him and i'm
like hey hold on uh i run his card real quick because i want to get him out of there yeah you
don't want to let him get those four bud heavies on the house i don't want him to tip me two on 33
so i i keep him moving and uh no i just don't want him a reason for him to come back the next day
whatever i want him to be done join our membership club before you go give us your email your phone number here have a shot for the road
yeah no but uh the the guy that had uh been talking to him and playing pool had mentioned
to a couple people that uh he had a gun either on him or with him he had mentioned it he didn't
brandish it on his way out brandish it didn't say uh this is for xavier if he tries to make me blow my phone the xavier was there put down the gun and
pick up the pistol yeah magneto makes the gun you know just rip out of his hands well no he pulls
all the iron that's in his in his blood and he magnetizes it in the guy's mouth and then he makes
him hold the gun down by his dick
and then he makes him suck his own gun that's what magneto magneto can also make you suck your
own dick if you're wearing like a watch watch out around magneto you have a heavy ring he can he can
make you do it you have a tongue ring you're like oh you're going to enjoy this oh crap so you don't have
a tongue ring but you do have a prince albert brings the dick to you at least he brought the dick to me cause of death dick through own brain
so so this guy has lost his mind yeah he's screaming bloody murder broken by war at a woman
probably yes broken brain who knows what he did over there what he saw over there he whose orders
he was just following that's right he didn't leave he didn what he did over there, what he saw over there. Whose orders he was just following.
That's right. He didn't leave it over there. Chris Kyle was a friend. I don't know.
But he fucking was so nuts, you know, and said something like, oh, yeah, I'm sure the cops are fucking on their way.
And I was like, I'm not going to call him if you leave. And I think that's a good call, right?
And no, because then i hear about
the gun right like oh shit so uh because you don't like to call the cops i know that no i don't want
to involve cops oh yeah he yelled at he yelled at someone he called some kind of cunt what are
you gonna do boys will be both no it's a living no it sucked but yeah i want him out and then that
can could have been the end of it.
But no, he had a fucking piece on him.
Right.
Not a piece pipe.
He wasn't trying to smoke him.
No, he was.
God, he was so fucking nuts.
And so a guy thinks to lock the door, which was great.
Another guy had watched him walk away, but then looked outside after a minute,
and he was like, yeah, he left.
Oh, wait, no, he's turning around.
So lock the door, and we're all just in there wondering what the guy's going to do,
and he walked back up to the entrance of the bar.
Did he pound?
No, he didn't pound.
He didn't kick.
Obviously, the main fear was that we know we're gonna hear a couple gunshots
to the door and then i'm gonna have to throw somebody towards him and say shoot her
i've got a i've got a mouth to feed me thank god he wasn't he didn't have teleportation powers
wasn't nightcrawler wasn't nightcrawler Nightcrawler would have been up our asses.
That's the one guy that he can't get to suck his own dick
because he moves around so quick.
Yeah.
I'm over here.
My dick's over here.
Right.
You'll never catch me.
But yeah, it was very scary.
And obviously, in the moment, I wasn't completely terrified
because I wasn't really thinking that he had a gun on him.
I just thought he was pissed at a woman for telling him no.
It turns out he was hitting on them,
but he also was like,
I work at an apartment complex.
We find all kinds of drugs.
You want some heroin?
I got heroin in the car.
And they were like, no.
No, we don't actually.
We're good.
Maybe offer a drink. We're good. Maybe offer a drink.
We're playing pool and having a cranberry vodka.
Yeah.
So maybe, yeah, cool it on the H talk.
I've been milking this Michelob Ultra for about 45 minutes.
Yeah, we're fine.
What happened to flowers?
We're good as is.
What happened to, hey, you want to go see a movie?
How about four quarters for the next game of pool?
But no, yeah, so he lost his fucking
mind uh yeah and uh did end up calling the cops they got him uh like a few blocks away arrested
him he had got uh in trouble a year before because uh somebody looked him up on on uh
he was on the trinidad uh pd website so had some trouble last year. So that's where you guys can find him, guys.
That's right.
In his mugshot from a year ago, he had Fall Out Boy hair.
He had Fall Out Boy hair.
No way.
He looked pretty funny.
What?
He was going for a Pete Wentz.
Holy shit.
Pete's Carson Wentz.
So that means over the eye, right?
He could have.
Yeah.
Is it the one that's kind of like this?
Not swoopy, but long
and he had some options, is what I'm
saying. And I'll bet he went to
Pop Punk 9. He could have played bass in The Used
or Blood Brothers.
Yeah, yeah,
yeah. He looked like he could have been in
early AFI or late
AFI. Okay.
Oh wait, it was just the guy from AFI. God, he looked like he could have been an early AFI or late AFI. Okay. Oh, wait, it was just the guy from AFI.
God, he caused some fucking Davey Havoc that night.
And it's a Tuesday.
I've kicked out like two people in three years of bartending there.
It's usually very...
It's ladies pool night on Tuesdays.
It's fucking people complaining...
You guys closed at 11.
Yeah, it's people complaining about the amount of ice
in their drink you know it's not uh i'll fucking kill you god i'll fucking kill you just like i
killed that kid in fucking baghdad whoops oh my brain oh sucks his own dick up his own accord
i was just following orders the orders were to suck his own dick so yeah after the after after after uh being
like you at the lions game just like anybody need a drink you know for an hour i start to think
about how bad that could have gone oh shit i was stuck behind the bar i wouldn't have had i would
have had to throw bottles at him
until he ran out of bullets i would hope that you would bail it would have been hard to bail
because i would have had to go out yeah but if you do it hedgehogs i would have had to crawl
bear crawl back in high school football oh bear crawl i hated that yeah Yeah, they sucked. Fuck, dude. So, yes.
Scary.
Could have been worse.
I was glad for the jacked up freaks at the Trinidad PD that showed up.
They both looked like they could kill you so easily.
Sure, yeah.
Not the typical, you know.
Like muscle pics?
Portly.
Yeah. Yeah, doofus looking.
No, they looked.
Yeah, Terry Tate off his linebacker.
They were pretty intense looking. Sure. Kind of what you want in a cop, right? Yeah, doofus looking. No, they looked... Yeah, Terry Tate off his linebacker. They were pretty intense looking.
Sure.
Kind of what you want in a cop, right?
Yeah, yeah.
You want sunglasses at night, mirrored shades.
Huge.
Haircut you can set a clock to.
Is that what they say?
Is that a thing?
Eat dinner off of, I guess.
You want a flat top haircut.
Yeah, yeah.
You want it level.
And, you know yeah they were fine i
think i think the cops in trinidad are mostly not pure evil so that's good but uh loves cops you
heard it at first guys calling the cops on disabled veterans who couldn't get any nanny
and they lost their mind well they sacrificed everything for this country how about a little
bit of pussy how about a slur?
Do some heroin with them.
Hang out with fucking Professor Xavier, if you know what I mean.
Whoa, Colossus, you're back.
Why are you thinking such nasty things, Colossus?
He loves it.
I just want the treatment, Professor.
It doesn't do it for me if you're into it, though. It's about the power.
I see, professor.
Well, I must...
May I just suck my own dick?
Do as you wish. You've learned so much.
In fact,
the student has
become the teacher.
I couldn't
feel it down there, but my mouth is full of nerves
well played
all right so yes my uh my night was uh pretty intense yeah and then you had a very different day. Sure did. Yeah. Mine was not at the hand of a war criminal.
Mine was the very earth itself committing treason upon my human form.
It's supposed to keep us on this side of it.
Dude, that's its only job.
That's its whole thing.
Yeah.
It's keep me on top of it.
Water, you know what you're getting into.
It's going to try to suck you under.
Water's mercurial. And also lift you up. you up yeah yeah water can do whatever it wants to me that's that's the
agreement that i made with water long ago but the earth your job is pretty much hey i'll stay up
here whatever's down there that's your business we're like roommates who get met on craigslist
it's like you get the bathroom from two to four i get it from five to
six whatever happens in there i'll have my earbuds in pal so yeah uh i'm walking out in the open
space area where i go on my long walks uh daily and it was the day after a big rain and
when i walk in the open space,
there are paths,
but then there's also just open fields,
and I like to trudge the fields.
So I may be trespassing when I'm down there.
I don't know.
All I know is that I've never seen a single soul on my month or so of daily walks out there.
I'm completely alone.
Man cannot own the dirt very good
your dad told me about are you gonna cut my hair my hair tomorrow uh so we
i don't even think this is that weird of a story until i think about it later
i'm out there walking and like one of the pathways that i'm on through this field is flooded so i'm like okay
i'll just walk around it so i walk into the grass another win for sam t yeah i'll walk around it
nice try mud not today yeah well if i only knew just how wrong i was gonna be it was a trap because
i start walking there's a child screaming in the hallway, right? Yeah, in delight.
Okay, good.
Running, having a good time.
They're about to go to Global Buffet,
even though we're not.
We're not allowed.
Haven't you been,
your love of life has been rekindled
after your near-death experience?
Yeah, I want to eat the world.
So you want to go to Global Buffet?
Global Buffet Industries.
We're going to Global Buffet for dinner. How about that? No, you don't want to. I want to go. you want to go to global buffet global buffet industry we're going to global buffet
for dinner how about that is that no you don't want to let's i want to go i want to observe
we'll figure it i want to observe no you don't say across the parking lot from governors and
lund somehow knew about it before we got here i looked at what food was around there yesterday i
guess i don't know but you have that like your filters are set to just buffet so it always it's good for you I'm out and I'm out in the walk I
just you just me you've never had a car pass you out there oh yeah and I'm also
probably a half hour from the road at this point I've been trudging this is on
Monday Pat just got to my house I went on my walk and uh i took a step did he
take you out there and leave you or you just pounded from the house pound outside of town
pound job and i step in uh just pat was pounding as well yeah he was in emily's room saying i'm sam uh anyway one single step next thing i know i'm up to my ball bag in mud
i have completely just cartoonish yeah almost disappear uh-huh yeah like and there's all these
signs everywhere that say watch out dangerous mud killer mud yeah which i thought was just like a
new name for like bubble hash or something like oh yeah i'll keep my eyes open for that killer mud yeah which i thought was just like a new name for like bubble hash or something like
oh yeah i'll keep my eyes open for that killer mud 20 off yeah no but yeah there's signs in
otero county that say don't tell them well i know but they say uh dangerous mud i'll make sure i'll
get it on film when we film down there and uh yeah i just i'm up to my ball bag in mud i'm just completely one leg is like
missing into the earth and luckily my dad he's always told me what to do there's a mud attack
which is i think the same thing as if you're on thin ice or if you hear ice crack as you spread
your body weight on you have to go to the ground then're nice for sure yeah right so I hit the mud and now my whole body is just laying in mud gotta say didn't mind
it I like a little mud party it's a you like my god slime that's right yeah yeah
so I'm okay with it you like slime sure yeah I like your texture guy like
shaving cream fresh out of the can that's a fun one to play with smash around but
it is i know great texture i know that texture barbasol oh my god it's practically a solid yeah
it's practically a sin it's neat how good it feels neato so uh i have to then lay there in the mud
wallowing literally wallowing like a human pig.
Rooting.
Yeah, I found some truffles.
That was good.
But I was able to work my leg out slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly.
Over the course of four hours.
No, it's like eight minutes, I think.
It was under 10 minutes because I was listening to a 10-minute podcast.
Just kidding.
So I was working my leg out, and I got it out,
and then I just had to come home mud man.
The rest of you didn't plunge as deep as the one leg.
No, no.
As soon as I took the pressure off the one leg and laid down,
I could feel like a... What I'm really worried about is some kind of cave-in in that situation,
and I get a crushing
injury from the earth because my leg is probably i mean i'm not the best estimator but six feet long
you know one of my legs and that that that's what the earth's crust and then the core is just molten
fire mantle right mantle and then there's the armoire core and then there's the hutch
down here mantles where the pictures are mostly sophie you have one she has seven
well she has to or sure you know and yeah so i was just worried i was gonna get crushed because
emily's been talking about crushing injuries a lot how they're the worst injuries because you
know we work in an ag we live in an agricultural area where the workers come in some of them just get their you know whole forearm crushed in some kind of antique farm equipment
and thresher wheat thresher there was recently a tractor door tractor door yeah tractor door
like was like automated and just kept closing and closing and closing until the guys the guy came in and his arm looked like fruit roll-up oh yeah like it was just everything was compacted down to this
thin fruit leather type situation arm by the foot yeah that's what she had to be paid emmy made a
field day that day but yeah i was in mud and uh it was kind of like you i just had this like kind
of cold stoicism about being like well either i get out of the mud or I'm the guy who drowned in mud.
And boy, howdy, everyone's going to have a nice time with that.
Everyone's going to be thinking, yep, we saw this coming.
Death by mud, the same town story.
Mine would have been very...
Noble.
No, no, no.
No, I would have been shot in the back running away.
Shot in the butt.
He saved three of us because he ran at the attacker.
No, he shoved me into the path of the bullets and still got one in the spine.
He pointed at me and said, her, her, please, her.
He got one where his spine would have been if he weren't such a goddamn coward.
He pointed at me and said, remember what a cunt she was earlier yeah your problems with her not me i'm a dude i get it i understand
completely i'm single it sucks um you bite your wedding ring finger off i i haven't been wearing
one oh nice more tips ladies pool league no uh i thought it was what was making my hand itch
turns out it's everything else it's not monogamy it's not commitment it's not tungsten
uh it's certain strains of weed and one of my dogs but uh no my uh mama i think
megan and i are a little allergic to.
You're literally allergic to her mama?
I don't know.
Okay.
I haven't figured it out.
Go ahead.
Well, the main culprit is burning my hand with hot water, but I have a sensitivity to
some butt wipes and maybe short hair dogs.
Quit wiping.
That's what I did.
Look at me now.
Tushy sent us a bidet two months ago.
I can't bring myself to install it.
What? I can't do it. Why? I don't know. Why? It sent us a bidet two months ago. I can't bring myself to install it. What?
I can't do it.
Why?
I don't know.
Why?
It's so easy. It feels like homework.
Pat does it.
It would take me nine seconds.
Pat Richardson does it.
I can do it.
I know I can do it.
I just keep looking at it, and it makes me feel like a bad boy to not do it.
I don't know.
But no, me being shot in a in america by a crazy person
is very expected you dying in the mud in the middle of nowhere is insane it would only help
my legacy it would just be such a great it's just such a wild way yeah that you would could end
your life well there we are there I am in the casket.
They hosed me off.
All right?
No, you're still muddy.
I'm still muddy.
I'm straight from the mud into the cardboard box.
Everyone is assembled.
Everyone's mourning.
The Tonight Show band is there.
Max Weinberg.
Yeah, Max Weinberg reassembled the band.
They're playing you on.
They hear from outside they hear
you peel in you're on your hog you're on that hog that you bought with all the money you got in my
will uh you're dressed in all leather of course as is our gentleman's agreement whoever dies first
yeah you have to go acroid at pelushi's funeral, which is just dressed in all leather while giving a eulogy
that no one arranged for you.
Oh, yeah.
Frills, I believe.
Yeah, he had the Tom of Finland hat on for sure.
He was there for some rough trade eulogy.
So you have to walk in.
What's your eulogy look like in that moment?
I'll be me.
You be you.
Ready?
I'm buried with my podcasters mike god damn it sam you were supposed to go first and you did no i'm so i'm supposed to go first i'm older
i'm grosser you switch to zins i'm still puffing on stogies. I can't believe I made this fucking bet when I was
29 and you were 25
to dress in all leather.
I'm not crying.
I'm sweating.
I get a laugh out of your dead
body. That'd be sick.
I still got it.
But you don't.
Thank you to Professor Xavier for being here.
Sam.
Enjoy sucking it one last time.
Like you never could.
Like you never could in life.
He makes you.
He makes you gag on it.
They're playing taps yeah for some reason you get a military funeral
stolen valor at your funeral
he wanted it this way
and he wanted me in all leather
and he died doing what he loved
fighting with mud
he usually won his fighting with mud.
He usually won his battles with mud and slime.
Squishing a viscous solid.
That was his whole thing.
Now God is squishing you up there.
You're putty in his hands.
I'm putty.
You're doing putty while he's molding you into a ball with a head. Hey, God, I'm putty You're doing putty While he's While he's molding you
Into a ball with a head
Hey God
I'm putty huh
Get it
Yes
God has the same voices
Professor Xavier
Probably similar voices
Mm-hmm
Commanding
Oh God
What fun we've had here today
Yeah thank God
We're both still here.
On this side of the earth.
Bringing you content that you can listen to while you drive a forklift.
Hey, I wish you would come pick me up and pallet jack me all the way to Governor's tonight.
We're going to need a getaway driver.
Yeah, we'll see.
I feel like we could have a lot of tough guys.
And we are not tough guys. We're silly little doofs.
Yes.
And it's annoying when tough guys act like we are less than.
Right.
Because, of course, we could throw some fisticuffs. I could slam a guy into a table.
I'll give you a single leg takedown that'll fucking make your jaw jack, brother.
I'll give you a side russian leg sweep into figure
four but uh yeah hopefully we don't get tried because i don't like to be that guy i don't like
to be a fucking animal i don't want to be primal rage no you want to be clay fighters i want to be
yeah a little evil snowman i want to be i want to be putty reading for Charles Xavier storm it's me professor Charles
Xavier got a new move I've been working on never seen a monkey change an oil
pan why are you saying that to storm
sauce monkey yeah storms Italian Sicilian she is there's a difference
uh according to a lady in timonium maryland that's right there's a resistance emmy would
have been so disappointed if i drowned in mud because i've told her about the whole mud thing
that i walk in the places that say you know dangerous mud dangerous mud. We got to get that sign.
I will.
Maybe we'll recreate the whole incident.
Yeah.
We're going to be recreating a lot of stuff.
I'm actually going to be scoring a touchdown in a high school football game.
Oh, hell yeah.
That'll be cool.
Yeah.
I'm also going to be.
When they have the 85-year-old check into the game, the alumnus.
Wearing a leather helmet.
Or the special needs kid.
Yeah.
Who runs the wrong way.
This is the rare special needs alumnus.
And coming in at fullback, number 75, Elizabeth High School class of 2005.
Let's hear it for him.
Sam, the mud man talent.
And checking in at quarterback, this is a bit interesting.
Hmm. and checking in at quarterback this is a bit interesting hmm from bridgeport connecticut leader of xavier school for extraordinary students
professor charles xavier oh and there's the snap count and the defense seems to be sucking their
own dick oh no the nose tackle has a visor on.
He's just mushing his nub against the glass
like a confused bird,
pecking at a worm.
Oh, Charles, and here's the snap.
There's the handoff.
Talent's in for six.
Oh, wait.
It appears that Sam is not pleased
with the play calling,
even though he got into the end zone.
He's really getting into it with his quarterback.
Oh, and now he's getting into his own dick.
There he is.
There's a 12th man on the field for the defense
because talent is S-ing his own D.
Well, that's been another great game of high school football.
Let's forget for the bit that these kids are children.
game of high school football. Let's forget for the bit that these kids are children.
Bit of a whoopsie
from the broadcaster's booth on that one.
Oh, God. If you could have sucked your own dick in
high school, you wouldn't have lettered in anything.
Well, one thing.
You wear the patch. It's like, like sam you didn't have to
we all know what he let her do
it's a picture of you on the batch what is
sam i heard you got a scholarship to Xavier's school.
Yeah, but I won't take it.
I'm not going there.
I'm never going back.
Those guys who say if I could suck my own dick, I'd never leave the house.
It's like, it gets boring.
I can jerk off.
I still get out and about.
Now I have a dick in my mouth.
I think I might, you know, pass. It's not like you just got fucking xavier brain just making it oh no yeah it would yeah it would be like jack in it
it's pretty cool it's fine but you don't do it you leave leave the house. Right. You still go for a walk. You still have relationships. You still have to go brave that mud.
Mm-hmm.
You still have to live your life.
You can't just always ask your own D.
Remember.
Until the cops come.
Send out the dick as a sign of good faith.
Come and take it from my cold dead mouth
man this is a giggly one dude yeah the best podcast it's crazy it's pretty cool we're
literally the best one i think i think that's true. Yeah. The most informative and the best, which it's hard to do both.
Somehow we straddle that fence.
Oh, yeah.
We inform.
We're here to teach.
I'm looking at a Lamborghini right now.
A white Lamborghini.
That is a Papa John's thin crust pizza.
Oh, outside?
Look at that Lambo.
Looking out the window is nuts after staring at The Simpsons for the last hour. Yeah,. Outside. Look at that Lambo. Looking out the windows. Nuts. After staring at The Simpsons for the last hour.
Yeah, I've been looking at that Lambo.
I didn't see who got out of it, but, you know.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
They're dropping down a wheelchair ramp.
Oh, my God.
It's him.
Oh, Charles.
We're in the Northeast.
Oh, his nurse is loading him in the chair.
He didn't tip the nurse.
Nurse seems to...
Nurse is making like a...
It made a face.
And now, of course,
the scrubs are off,
sucking his own Haitian dick out there.
Okay.
Charles seems to be coming our way.
Do you have...
You don't have unfinished business?
Do you?
I thought we were square.
Yeah.
No, no.
I did a set at the school and I didn't say anything untoward.
I didn't call any of the mutants freaks.
I didn't even call mutants because I heard that that was like a for us,
by us kind of a thing.
Muties is the worst one. Yeah. They don't. Right. I didn't say the M word. I didn't say the them mutants because I heard that that was like a for us, by us kind of a thing. Muties is the worst one.
Yeah, they don't.
Right.
I didn't say the M word.
I didn't say the F word.
No.
I mean, I said fuck quite a few times.
I would have pissed off Iceman because he's homosexual now.
Iceman.
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby Drake.
Huh.
Not the Silver Surfer.
No, no.
I think the Silver Surfer, he might be gay too.
Iceman isn't a Mega Man villain? Iceman says a lot of things.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Charles, suck it.
Whoops.
I would sure hate if...
Oh, yeah, there I am.
Bummer.
Oh, it sucks to be S-ing my own D.
I sure hate this.
Charles, you suck. Oh, it sucks to be asking my own D. I sure hate this.
Charles,
you suck.
No,
you too,
Bobby.
We know what you've been doing.
His tongue gets
stuck to his
frozen dick.
We know what
you've been doing
in Cerebro,
Bobby,
my flagpole.
I'm stuck.
I'm stuck.
A flagpole.
I'm sure a lot of people have done the danger room bit just like they can recreate you know it's like it creates 4d reality in the danger room and it's
supposed to be a fight simulator yeah you can just go in there and have sex with it
with whoever whoever you want yeah oh hello and that funicello yeah hello rogue from the original cartoon when she
still had them cakes have you seen the dork malarks pissed about rogue not having a big
old dumper in the new x-men cartoon no and they're like but it's this is butt erasure why don't they
why don't they look the same oh i don't know but rogue had like a notoriously hefty pad cool butt
yeah and now this next one she's fucking a couple of latkes
yeah she's from levittown in this new one we're gonna have a lot of hairdressers at the shows
tonight a lot of guys who work construction but don't show up big hair don't care uh yeah
hopefully it'll be fun the rare one night one night. Yeah. Which feels like a dream.
Can you imagine a world where you do one show and then you're done?
I can't get enough of it, man.
You don't have to get up on the get down for the double dip the late night.
Fuck.
Yeah, it's going to be pretty cool.
Get there at 8, leave at 9.31.
Tim Dillon style.
Pin me, pay me. no merch to sell this weekend
damn aj is coming tomorrow shout out aj we'll see you at the show tomorrow night yeah hell yeah
sorry beasley called you a sex worker that was nuts yeah what don't assume yeah anything especially someone's occupation or gender that's right it's a crazy
world out there it's a beautiful world we live in that lambo is sucking its own dick
just ripped the roof in half as it blew as it's blowing itself
uh well it's at an hour yeah we're looking pretty good cool anything to we talked about
wide one we don't gotta plug shit why do we always do the patreon first we always didn't
have to be a patreon this can be a free one.
You said cunt like 12 times.
Oh, no.
The censors.
The sensei.
Well, yeah, then thank you for being a patron.
Thank you for being a friend.
This one was really funny.
We could put it out as a free one.
Yeah.
All right.
Wait, then we have to do an ad.
Yeah, yeah.
Get the ad.
I'll do plugs. Hey hey this isn't a patreon so thank you for joining us this one was uh very fun we love you if you want
to be a patreon member join patreon.com slash chubby behemoth five bucks gets you more hilarious
shit like this because we're the best and uh so many good episodes on our patreon oh yeah great
stuff uh if you want to go support wide world get pat some money that is patreon.com slash sam talent
wide world no s uh we're gonna be putting out episode three in the next two or three weeks
one more tokyo episode before we move on to pattery you can come see me uh when does this
what's next week oh yeah oh detroit i added a little pop-up show uh march 16th at the independent
comedy club in detroit might be sold out already but check on that uh traverse city michigan lance
michigan uh fort worth d. We love you down there.
SamTalent.com.
I think a lot of tickets just went on sale this week for all the dates on there.
And, you know, Lund, he's at it.
Lund's the man.
He crushed on Stobby's World.
That episode's coming out soon.
Dude, thank you.
You got me on there.
dude thank you you got me on there you uh brought up some some funny and uh fucking i was just stocktoning your malone i was letting the big man eat i was feeding i was banging a 16
year old uh i mean i was slam dunking with one hand behind my head yeah i do we have an ad i don't know i do not know
uh i don't see one but sometimes i don't get them here's something you can do fucking share
wide world man uh i know that you're probably tired of hearing us but we're really proud of
that show it's nice to collaborate with the boys um so yeah if you could just like share it i don't
know obviously if you can go and subscribe
to my channel like subscribe comment all that youtube talk um that'd be huge and i'm grateful
that you guys are enjoying it thank you for watching that goodbye bye no ad i don't think so