Chubby Behemoth - Wad, Smusho, Spy: Triple Threat
Episode Date: February 5, 2024SPONSORS: Manscaped - Support the show and get 20% off and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with the code CHUBBY Sheath - Support the show and get 20% off your 1st Sheath order at https://ww...w.sheathunderwear.com with promo code CHUBBY BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth This week Sam tells us about our friend Stroup’s favorite kind of magician, his ideal place to die, and showing the guys on the bus cool hand tricks. Sam also talks about the coat he wants and the gentleman that currently owns it. Someone put on for their city. Nathan debuts his hit new country single, does a pants investigation that leads to a backwards butt, and shows the camera his plans for the night. Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth Mutiny Coffee: mutinyonmainstreet@gmail.com
Transcript
Discussion (0)
can you hear me you sound like a little guy i am a little guy look how little i am
you sound like you're trapped in this window in my computer
i got a virus man you would be the worst virus to get like whenever i go to use my computer
it's just your face and your voice just like in there that would suck i'm
writing you're like tap dancing on the words i'm clippy i can give you some some hints on better
writing tips yeah you're like make it make it sound quieter and smaller that'd be my tip make
everybody a little guy dude writing a novel where everyone's just small,
but it's like a serious novel about literary themes,
but it's just like the twist is that people are tiny.
At the end, you reveal that the world's been small the whole time,
and people are like, I've read 500 pages of this bullshit,
and the people are just fucking little.
That's the whole thing.
Everybody's four-four.
Yeah, or they're not even that small. They're like, everyone's five-three in this world. That's the whole thing? Everybody's 4'4". Yeah.
Or they're not even that small.
They're like, everyone's 5'3".
In this world.
People are like, oh, well, who killed the mother?
You didn't reveal that?
You didn't solve that mystery?
You just said everyone's tiny?
I'd read it.
No, you wouldn't.
I'll tell you what.
I was, after going through all this audio bullshit, I realized, I was like, why have I not been pissed?
And it's because I was very stoned.
And so I was just like, fucking, I was you at the football game.
I was just like, disassociating and trying to like, be like, it'll work and then we'll have fun.
Well, I don't want to break it to you, but if you noticed, I didn't get pissed either.
You're not allowed.
For very similar reasons, because last night Becker showed up to the old show in Colorado Springs
and I was able to show him backstage that we received four gigantic
gift boxes from Blazy Susan
and Bert told me
and Stroop, you guys take whatever you want
and man, we went in
like pigs last night, dude.
We were on that bus.
Dude, at one point, this guy
Pete, who's on the bus with us, he's
Bert's assistant and
the main go-to dude.
He made a funny Photoshop because the merch guy, Reagan, has been sending me pictures of him and Cher, which is an inside joke.
Dude, let me tell you the whole story.
We're eating dinner night one in Casper, Wyoming. And Reagan's sitting at a different table.
And someone asked Derek Stroop, what are you, a shareholder?
Because we were talking about something.
And fucking Reagan popped around the corner and said, Sonny was.
Did I tell you guys this story already?
No.
So no one heard Son sunny was the first time so he like literally
like grabs derek on the shoulder and taps into the conversation and repeats it sunny was so
we couldn't get enough because it's like the perfect joke and also he went back to the well
when no one heard it and like like, yeah, yeah. Awesome.
But then he followed up by just sending me like pictures of him and Cher.
So I passed that on to the people in the bus.
We had a big laugh about it after about 100 milligrams for me and Stroop and like 15 for everyone else on the bus.
Blanford and Kyle.
So we're fucking zooted.
We're honking these new sphere x's we're
having a nice time and then uh pete like was photoshopping like like uh reagan and share
into like leninist marches and black and white and like he covered katherine blandford's jumpsuit
in fucking reagan and share made it look like that's all she was wearing and katherine said wow pete you're like magic and stroop went oh pizza magician and then stroop goes
whoa pizza magician
and then we laughed at pizza magician for a a good, I don't know, dude, six minutes straight.
Just droop.
Whoa, Pizza Magician.
You've heard of Professor Pizza, but what if you could make the pizza disappear?
And then reappear.
That's the move.
Eat it all and it's back in the box
yeah all last night we were so fucking stoned dude and now it's just continued today we went
on like a hike and now we're just we're letting it ride-minute sets, it's like you can't fuck it up.
It's impossible to blow it.
Becker was there last night.
He saw what it's like.
Yeah.
Two-thirds of the openers were home runs.
Oh, Becker.
No, everybody killed it.
He's never been a Stroop guy.
No, I love Stroop.
What's he saying?
I didn't do well?
Nope.
You also did extremely well sam i heard you struggled
there's a pair of pink boots up there struggling a little bit oh becker just a little bit oh no
becker well we told her to say pueblo yeah she did good she just uh i don't think she crushed
like you and stripped and it was weird that she was in between the two of you yeah
well you know dude
we just bring it
what do you have to say about this you haven't talked in a while
uh
oh I'm curious about the ride
Becker and Carlos were you guys
scared
was I-25 bad the whole way
it was bad all the way to Pueblo going north.
Like, really fucking bad all the way to Pueblo going north.
And then it was pretty fine from there to the springs.
We had a little bit of, like, sleep, but nothing insane.
But it took us three and a half hours to get to Colorado Springs.
And then the drive home. The tour bus we were in
was going sideways for like 50 miles,
dude. We were all over the goddamn ice
before we hit Raton.
Yeah, the drive home... How funny would it have been
if my bus crashed in Trinidad
and I died in Trinidad?
And you guys were just
asleep in your beds.
like asleep in your beds i wake up and i let the dogs out and the dogs are barking and then i they're just like swarming something i'm like get away from that and it's your body
my eyes have been pecked out by crows but I made it to your house based on smell and sense memory somehow I have a coyote's head in my mouth but otherwise I'm clearing ice off of my car
I'm just like god damn
it really came down last night
it's just your bloated face
it's like true detective
so like it looks like I'm screaming even though I'm frozen
I'm like
fuck It looks like I'm screaming even though I'm frozen. I'm like... Fuck.
I'd be so pissed if I died in Trinidad
after bashing it for the last fucking four years.
And that's where my soul ascends.
There's a fucking...
There's an article out now
in the Colorado Sun about Trinidad
basically blowing it. it was a downer
what did it say did it quote me almost yeah no it just it mentioned like just all the things
that almost happened or a bunch of the money that has been, that is supposed to go, you know,
is supposed to help in various ways, different grants and different funds that,
I don't know, disappeared, I guess.
Yeah, it's like as if two people tricked a bunch of losers into moving to a stink town.
Two people tricked a bunch of losers into moving to a stink town.
And then once all the dumbasses showed up, those two people tucked tail and bailed after cashing in.
That's crazy.
No, no.
Yeah, it's almost like some of the dumbest people I've ever met were like, I'm going to go make my fortune in Trinidad.
I'll tell you what, I got savings in the bank because of living in Trinidad. I'll tell you what,
I got savings in the bank because of living in Trinidad.
Yeah.
So suck it.
Hey, I've been sucking it.
I live in fucking
another part of Colorado, alright?
You live in rat fuck.
Yeah, I live in fucking
butt wound Colorado.
Dildanus.
Yeah.
I live in dick lesion co oh dude another big one get hit last night i can't i forgot we were on the bus
little kyle who's the man uh he was uh allegedly high,
and me and Stroop went for a high five,
you know my classic high five,
and then they put their hand up,
and then you point at them and say,
who's gay?
Yeah, it's the worst thing in the world. So I got Stroop with a who's gay,
and Kyle went, oh my God, oh my God!
Life-changing? Life-changing, dude. I've seen him do it three times today he did it in a casino he got burnt with it oh shit yeah he went oh he went oh my god oh my god and he said i'm gonna
start hammering that all the time and hammer he has he's been hammering away with the who's gaze less is more kyle oh
it's been fun to watch him uh learn and adapt in real time and there's this dude here at the
rio rancho event center who like drove us you know uh on our missions today the runner he's a sweet
guy a simple guy he's one of those guys like no robert that's mud not chocolate one of these types
you know he was a spy at the wheel and a smush so he's the rare little guy yeah he's he's a
wad smusho spy he's a triple threat the best stories are about a little guy coming to town
figuring some shit out yeah he had to sit on my lap so i could work the pedals
but he's like you know like let's say let's say this is like a normal human being
all right this represents a normal human being this can of liquid death this is how he's shaped
This is how he's shaped.
And of course, I'm shaped like this bag, you know, so it's okay.
But anyway, he's got a jacket.
University of New Mexico Lobos.
I posted it on my Instagram.
It is a pitcher's jacket from the baseball team here, and it was a gift.
It's a one-of-one because he works security at the baseball field.
And I offered him $200 because Bert gave us each $100 today and took us to the casino.
I turned my $100 into $400.
So I have free money, And I offered sweet simple Robert 200
American dollars.
And he said he has to ask his boss
if it's okay.
Yeah.
I think he's blowing it.
He's gonna get back to you?
No one gives a shit if he
sells the jacket or not
he's not gonna get called into hr for selling a comedian his jacket that he got for free from
the baseball team yeah we're all very confused as to why i'm not currently wearing the jacket
i saw a picture of you uh uh, of Bert with, uh,
Emmy,
right?
Emily was back there.
Where'd you see that?
Insta.
Who posted that?
I don't know.
You?
Uh,
Carlos.
No.
Maybe Carlos.
Oh,
Carlos. A bunch of photos.
Carlos got a picture of my wife from last night.
She's barely in it,
but,
well,
she's, there's two parts of her that are very in it.
She was dumping.
Not in this picture.
She was the only one dumping.
She was full thwomp last night.
Well, let's get some pictures up online.
It was like the world was made of glass and she was putting them on it.
and she was putting them on it.
It was funny to imagine very pragmatic,
often serious or logical Emily
just having to say,
being unable to bite her tongue
any longer by the end of the night
and saying to Bert,
put a fucking shirt on.
Hey, why do you still not have a shirt on?
It's been an hour and a half.
Everybody that's here is like friends and family and like staff.
So why?
How about put a shirt on?
Is that insane?
Hey, man, you're off the clock.
Everybody's gone.
Just us.
You've been quietly reading for 20 minutes.
You're freezing.
Yeah.
My favorite part of the night was when Bert asked Emily if Zinn were good for your heart.
Oh yeah, that was big.
That was big.
He did not
like her opinion.
No, he did not.
Did a doctor really tell you guys Zinn are good for your heart?
Dude, the surfer's
husband from Casper, we hung out with
a surfer lady. Her husband was a
vascular surgeon.
He said that Zinn's were fine and he often rocks three or four of them during a seven hour fucking surgery
and when we heard that we were like awesome he's like yeah they're fine dude they're not bad for
your blood pressure they don't give lead to strokes or heart attacks like these are the
future bruh and this doctor was married to a surfer and he talked like this because he's from los angeles
so he'd be like oh yeah like uh here's how you amputate a leg right like you got to go like
five centimeters below the knee bone dude and then you make two flaps and you're gonna stitch
them together and that's gonna be your stump you need to make a stump aperture and like he just
hammered me i was stuck next to him for an hour and a half as, like, surfs up cities over there talking about being nude and fucking Belize.
And meanwhile, I've got fucking, you know, Dr. Radical over here being like, well, yeah, that's the thing about, like, the aorta is a lot of people think it's big.
But it's kind of like the width of, like, a pencil lead, dude.
So, like, you got to think about how easy it is to get a bunch of plaque in there.
And, like, I fucking scraped that plaque, dude. And I'll save to think about how easy it is to get a bunch of plaque in there. I fucking scrape that plaque, dude.
And I'll save it and I'll show it to people
and I'll be like, dude, look at these drifts
that were up in your fucking valves,
bud.
It was way too much.
And of course me and Stroop were also high.
Me and Stroop have just been fucking
blasted for four days.
I thank you for
staying good and high with you oh dude i was staying
freaky and geeky over there you got separate rooms uh we're on the bus we're on the bus yeah
so is it possible like is it a uh lights out at 10 situation are you partying are you in stroop giggling until 4 a.m what's up with the
yeah i mean i just told you how we giggled until late into the night last night due to our
cannabis usage we were fucking giggling and wiggling i mean people go to bed in waves you
know yeah yeah that's what we'll like go to bed and be like we love you you know night daddy and
then kisses kiss his belly button
yeah go over there suck the lint out make a sweater
he put the shirt on to go to sleep oh fuck we didn't even tell lund who
the super speak secret guest was in the green room last night dude
we had becker we had carlos we had em, we had, I guess, Mel's younger brother,
and then some white guy I never met, there and there.
And then there's actually two super secret guests, Judy Marmel,
who's like one of the most powerful managers in the world,
and I guess my manager, kind of, I'm with her company,
she's there with her whole family, and then also,
presidential hopeful Tulsi Gabbard was in the
green room whoa dumping them out oh she had them it was like they were under fucking bulletproof
glass there's a couple of state secrets she was she was the opposite of emmy emmy was like hey
count every fucking divot on my nipple and meanwhile tulsi
it was like she had a bulletproof vest on that's unfortunate was she it was like emmy's fucking
top has been a saran wrap it was crazy whoa yeah i can confirm that i gotta go to carlos's house
easy becker get that hard drive i didn't because we were all wearing jackets for the whole time I can confirm that. I gotta go to Carlos' house. Easy, Becker.
Get that hard drive. No, I didn't, because we were all wearing jackets for the whole time before the show,
and I didn't see her once we came in, because she waited for two people and sat down during
Stroop.
And then you saw her.
I did clock, like, Jesus Christ, you're trying to make everybody else feel bad.
I think she was putting on for her city.
Yeah, dude.
Rocky Ford, y'all.
She rips rocky ford
yeah man i mean it was i introduced her to that merch guy reagan who sent me all the share photographs and his fucking eyes didn't make it above her chin
it was just full-on deer in headlights she She was in Colorado Springs
dumping them Colorado thangs.
Yeah.
I mean, there was part of me
that was like,
what if you wore Burt's shirt?
That'd be cool.
You guys both can't be topless
back here, honey.
That's his thing.
Yeah. both can't be topless back here, honey. That's his thing. Yeah, she was free willy.
Man.
Weed, huh?
Weed rules.
The cause of
and solution to
all of life's problems.
So, to the listener,
by the way, I want to pull back the
curtain a little bit we can barely hear one due to us not having any of this locked in
after four years of remote podcasting it's still every day's a fucking miracle we're just we're
just lifting up stumps and hoping it's not full of spiders every time so if it seems like we're
having uh communication issues we're not we're just listening actively hoping it's not full of spiders every time so if it seems like we're having uh
communication issues we're not we're just listening actively and it's only enhancing the podcast
we're making it better i have to really try to hear him
and it's funny that you sound great because you've been in these weird cavernous arena corners
of like a training room or a fucking whatever.
The referee locker room shower.
Yeah.
I'm not in a room that's made of fucking ceramics,
which is good for sound.
And I'm at home with the setup that normally is fine,
and I don't know what's going on.
I blame Megan.
Yeah, probably Megan was probably podcasting before you got home.
She probably downloads shit on here.
Well, I'll tell you about the room I'm in.
This is kind of fun.
This is the shower for all the comedians.
But I came in here, and there's like a little room, and then there's a toilet and a shower.
And I used the toilet recklessly. Mass and no survivors war crime type stuff just total tokyo mudslide and
then i came out here and i sat down and it's 81 degrees in this room and i can't turn it down
i just see it on the wall and it reeks like one of my nasty mounds so i'm just like i'm in like a sauna with my own stink and
it's really it sucks i gotta tell you it stinks and katherine blanford like came in here and
she's like this is where your podcast thing and she went oh what's that smell and i went shut the
door drop it, we want boys.
Oh, damn.
Yeah, so it stinks in here.
Remember when I said that guy was this shaped?
Yeah, it showed.
You better sell me that jacket, dude.
300 bucks?
I offered him $200.
It's fucking... He got it for free.
You said it was New Mexico State or what?
No.
UNM?
Dude, the front of it says Lobos.
It's red letters on gray.
And the back says UNM. But it's badass.
It's for baseball guys.
Yeah, I could see that being pretty solid.
Dude, UNM, great colors, colors great team name great basketball court the pit it's recessed it's like you're on top of them it's fun
where i wish it wasn't around they should be able to play while they're spinning
well i like a country music superstar yeah that guy got got a jersey from the basketball team because they used him as the ball.
Turn me up, man.
Hey, turn me up, Becker.
Oh, Rio Rancho.
Wait, so the show starts at 7?
Is that when the show starts and you get up there?
Shake a stanky leg?
7 p.m.?
Oh, Rio Rancho. Where are those? Let's shake a stanky leg. 7 p.m. Over your rancho, where those lobos ate my son.
The work just ain't been finished until the dishes have been done.
I can't be heard by my best friends
and the devil's
lurking close
but if you ever come
to my headstone
leave the thing
I love most
leave me wet pussy
leave me dry ass
leave me big tits pushed up
against glass
give me champagne give me my mother ass. Leave me big tits pushed up against glass.
Give me champagne.
Give me my mother's
um.
Give me
non-alcoholic beer
so I don't have to lie
when my wife comes near.
And she'll pray
on the mountain that
my name stays clean.
That was great.
I'm up against it, man. I'm up against it.
I gotta be loud, so I gotta come up
with some shit. Oh my god.
Rio Rancho,
take me home.
Hold me up, Rio.
Oh. Jelly Roll's fucked.
Hey, Rio, hold me up. What oh jelly rolls hey rio hold me up what a treat that was
oh shit well good thing we're 24 minutes in hey all right hey that took up a good 90 seconds holy
shit oh what if it sounds real bad because i'm fucking it up on this end being up against the microphone
yeah what if it's like a total waste of time what if we can't put out this episode with so
many great stories and so many great like physical and song gags it's it's gonna be fine oh man
i'm up against it becker's Becker's up against it
He told me last night
That he was able to eat noodles
And he had the fucking
Just the biggest smile on his face
I threw them all up
When?
This morning
How did you have anything
Left in you by this morning?
It didn't turn to turds?
I don't know
That's part of the issue
Is how the fuck am I
Throwing up food
Twelve hours after I eat it
Hey don't get in attitude with me I'm not the one who's very sick No that's But that's like part of what issue is how the fuck am I throwing up food 12 hours after I eat it? Hey, don't get mad at you with me.
I'm not the one who's very sick.
No, but that's like part of what's been freaking me out the whole time.
And the doctors don't seem as concerned as I am about that detail of like, hey, if I'm eating once a day, I'm not mistaken about when the last time I ate was.
How the fuck am I puking food up so much long, so much time after I've eaten?
Like, it doesn't make sense.
Have you considered bringing a gun with you next time you go to the doctor
and not leaving until you have answers?
If they're like, hey, I can't keep food down,
and you're not going to be able to keep food down too.
All right?
I'll shoot you right in the stomach.
Now tell me what's wrong with me.
Or you say, hey, if you don't tell me what's wrong with me I'm going to have my last meal and it's a bullet
and then put the gun in your mouth
uh no it'd be them before me
uh
now Becker you seem to have gotten quieter
somehow are you using your microphone
yes did I really get quieter
yes
he put it in his mouth
what the fuck you got the wondering voice you weren't staying on the mic because you were
fucking bragging so much about puking oh yeah sorry i get mad it sucks so bad
you know what people should do to help you is probably join the Patreon. That'd be great, everyone.
Go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth and sign up so we can keep Becker in his house.
He's losing his job.
He's losing his mind.
Please, somebody, tell him he's fine.
Go ahead and join the Chubby Behemoth Patreon because we have to line Becker's pockets with dough.
Yeah. I was pretty
I thought I was
in the green on the drive
home last night. I was like, oh, it's been a long time.
I still feel okay.
Well, also, we've set up a certain
tier on the Patreon where
for a hundred bucks
Becker will have sex with you twice a month.
But only girls are allowed to sign up for it.
And he has to have access to a toilet where he can't be heard from the bedroom.
Yes.
Because Becker wants his last meal to be your pussy.
So please, join the Patreon.
Because he can't throw that up because he's not
swallowing it.
That's like
an old Chinese riddle.
It's like, what do you eat but you don't
swallow?
Pussy.
Have you offered to go down on the
doctors, Becker? I have not.
I've had mostly old male
doctors. Yeah yeah well they really
need to win they want it the most yeah the good old days you know are behind them where they were
getting laid left and right and so now it's just kind of a any port in a storm i'll try i'll try
anything at this point the doctor double d won't be able to help the gift of laughter made you feel better
until uh the the next the dawn of a new day and then your belly was like oh the laughter is gone
pretty much now there's only pain
but i did fit my jeans last night lund oh so you yeah you looked good i haven't fit those jeans
since japan you looked good between becker and carlos coming into the green room and my wife
just having them exposed the conversations last night were were a lot becker would look to me and
he said look at my jeans. I fit in them.
And they're like weird, like stonewashed denim for some reason.
It's like he's wearing his dead mom's jeans.
It's like the sisterhood of the Beckerhood pants.
Yeah, I like light denim.
Dude, you know what would be cool? Is if...
Sorry, I stepped on that.
Sorry, I stepped on that. Light denim.
Someone please clip that and let's make that into an audio meme.
I like white denim.
Light denim.
Light.
Oh, nice.
Light denim.
White is definitely also a choice.
Mm-hmm.
But slightly less insane is light denim.
But still nuts, of course.
I'm wearing my Comedy Works sweatshirt because you wore yours last night.
Right.
Solidarity.
And, yeah.
But you still had the weird pattern on your pants.
What was that from?
What?
It looks like basketball net.
Weird pattern on my pants?
Yeah, remember, I mentioned it a while back, where it's like a basketball net pattern when you're on that big screen.
It's like you had a weird quilt on you and somebody sat on your lap
what like i was like caught in like fish netting yeah your pants look all fucked up
they look weird and i can't remember if you gave an explanation last time i don't think they look
weird i think i'm just wearing those are like my gray show pants. Those are one of the two pairs of pants that I have for the
stage. They look fucked up.
No, they don't.
They look crazy to me.
They look like you got in a tussle with
somebody and they were trying to kidnap
you in a net and you struggled
and struggled and eventually kicked your way
free and your pants look
they look crazy. They don't
look
like it's just little you're away free and your pants look they look crazy they don't look uh they don't look uh
like it's just little uh creases you would think for all the photos i received from mean people
online zooming in on the way that my knees look on big screens and on stage i would know exactly
how these pants look but i'm looking at them right now and these are just creases and wrinkles.
In the shape
of a fucking basketball net? I don't
get it. It's the way that the pants
are built.
It is fucking weird
looking though.
They look crazy.
They look crazy in person.
Oh my god.
Go to Carlos' page and
zoom my crotch. only does not only do the
pants look weird it looks like my legs are on backwards well when when we talked about this
before it looks like my legs are on backwards bro you've you mentioned the knees and i have not
noticed anything with your knees i'm seeing the pants. I'm seeing crazy basketball in that pants.
It looks like my butt is in the front.
It's wild that that didn't stand out to me while I was staring at you on a giant screen.
That's all I see.
I saw Commie Works and I was like, oh, no, the pants are back.
It looks like someone twisted my torso around.
And I'm talking to the tech guys and not the audience.
It's terrible.
It's like you're doing the Uber driver, no one knows what I do, the turnaround.
Yeah, I'm human course root.
Becker's transfixed.
Just the head.
Is there a stitch on the outside around your pocket
uh yeah there's a stitch around the pocket on the outside that's giving you the front butt look
that's probably if you're looking on the right side of these pants yeah oh my god it looks like
so i was like built in a build-a-bear warehouse that outside stitch on the front's probably
something to avoid in the future i bought these pants at a mire in northern michigan
because i needed a pair of pants at a cookout for lunch a week yeah this is what i've been
looking i've worn these on stage countless times i wear these in my special? No.
No.
No.
No.
They're black.
I think you were wearing black in the special.
I'm checking it out.
Special is black pants.
I'm drinking.
Okay, those are black pants.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah, I have pictures of you and your...
to make sure your fit didn't change,
even though you had several of the same sweater
freshly wrapped up in plastic
crap yeah well they're going to the spithsonian now yeah oh my god i look so orange in this
comedy special i look like a pumpkin man no it looks like i'm fucking wearing fake tanner or
bronzer no this isn't how you should watch your comedy specials when you're very high huh all right hey 670 000 views one month ago hey everyone do me a favor go ahead and watch
and or share that great comedy special the toad's morale the people are talking about it
go out there give it a like give it a follow go to our youtube for the love of god we have almost we have maybe
that's what i'll do maybe now that i have this excess footage if first we feast pass on it maybe
we'll just put it on the old chubby behemoth that's where we'll go but i'd like it to be on
first we feast so then i can do the hot wings challenge with the bald man. Oh, shit. Yeah. That'd be nuts.
That'd be nuts. There's no reason I would ever
be on there. That makes no sense.
Regionally
acknowledged comedian, same talent.
He had a season of
regionally acknowledged rappers.
Well, I mean,
I'm one of those as well.
True. You're gonna get on as a
rapper. Yeah, I have to go on as Thoracic Cavity.
As seen on Danny Brown's podcast.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Just.
What up with it, ball man?
Yeah, one's for seeing and one's for viewing, if you know what I mean.
Oh, he cool?
Hip-hop voice.
Yeah, hip-hop voice.
Well, I was doing scraggly voice earlier.
Now I do hip-hop voice.
Scraggly voice, yeah.
Scraggly voice.
What race are you?
Scraggly.
Scraggly voice.
Scragsklelvania, man. You go to the DMV. What race are you? I'm Scragly. Next question. Put an S for Scragly. This is a crazy look. Look at this.
Now imagine if I was wearing a simple man's jacket I bought off his wet body.
What's on the hat?
Yeah.
What's on the hat?
This is the hat I bought in Tokyo.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But what the hell was I going to say? Oh, yeah, when I put on that guy's jacket.
What do you have on? I'm put on that guy's jacket. What do you have on?
I'm sorry.
Wet guy's jacket.
No.
I forget that those hats are supposed to be cool.
I don't know if you make them look cool.
And that's why I didn't get one is I didn't think I would make it look cool.
It wouldn't make me look cool.
We would drag each other down into the mud.
Yeah, I mean, you would have just eaten ramen out of it and ruined it.
It would have been your to-go bucket.
Oh, dude.
You needed a huge one.
You should have gotten a XXXL for your dome.
My head, it fits fine.
Creasy came to the show in Loveland.
Oh, yeah.
And there was a whiskey sponsor up there who gave us all whiskey bottles with like
the show on it i have it right here actually it's like it was made for the show and has the date on
it whoa so that was cool but then he also had these bucket hats for his company and i was wearing one
like looking like a dumbass on purpose you know was a hilarious bucket hat. It made no sense.
I had it flipped up.
It was nuts.
Creasy comes backstage.
Before he even says hello to Bert Kreischer,
he says, I really like that hat.
And I was like, all right.
Do you want the hat?
And he's like, are you serious?
And I was like, yeah.
And I gave him the hat,
and then he wore it all night while hanging out with Kreischer,
which was insane.
Creasy in a bucket hat, flipped up.
That was a lot of fun.
It literally looked like he was a Make-A-Wish kid.
Like, Bert talked real slow when they spoke with each other.
And what's your name?
Creasy.
That's great, buddy.
Why do they call you that? Because you obviously are wet?
Did you remind Bert of the time he thought Creasy was him?
No, of course not.
What was that?
I don't want to bum anyone out.
I saw a video of Creasy getting popcorn greased at Chirito.
He posted it back then and was like, I thought this was me for a moment.
No way. Yeah.
I didn't know that. Yeah way back in the day.
What? Yeah.
Creasy had viral
greased up fame? I don't think it
went viral I think it was just like Burt fans
at that time because that was like right
around when Burt was starting like that
was when the Machine Story hit.
Oh my god. Creasy would have fucking had an around when Burt was starting. That was when the machine story hit.
Oh my god.
Creasy would have fucking had an in instead of being the
simpleton in the upturned brim
bucket hat.
That's why I was wondering if anybody
thought to give him that in.
He forgot. Creasy forgot.
He lives such a crazy life
that he forgot about this
very specific highlight that he could have shared a story.
He could have shared.
Do the people that I've introduced Bert Kreischer to have been Creasy,
Carlos Becker,
a woman I said was my wife.
It was actually a sex worker.
And then two dudes.
I don't really know.
Those are the people I brought in the green room.
He must think I have the I brought in the green room.
He must think I have the weirdest crew in the world.
You said Mel's brother's friend.
Mel's brother and his brother's friend.
Yeah.
But one of Mel's youngest brothers that I don't really know.
I think his name is like Raekwon.
Yeah.
What did they do?
They played it cool.
And then he kept being like, if I take my shirt off, will you take his shirt off so I can take a picture with him with our shirts off and I was like don't
do that just stay over here
drink this Bud Light inspect the deck
alright let's just play it cool
yeah good call
that's alright
oh yeah the jacket hold on
everybody shut up
so when I went to put on that guy's jacket.
You know when you get like a leather jacket and it has like the cuffs that are kind of like a spongy fabric?
Yeah.
You know what I'm talking about?
When you get like a jacket and the cuffs are tighter to your wrist and the rest is just a jacket? Yeah. You know what I'm talking about? When you get like a jacket and the cuffs are tighter to your wrist and the rest is just a jacket?
Yeah.
Well, when I put his jacket on to see if it fit, the cuffs were fucking soaked.
I don't know what they were soaked with either, but they were just like, like, that was like, oh, God.
I said aloud in my head.
I didn't say it to him, but I was like, ugh.
Yeah.
And I just like had it on for like five minutes with my hands in the pockets just getting my wrist wet i don't know what wet stuff he was up to that he went up to past his wrist
both of them were just drenched sweating he was sweating i used to wonder how so many people
guys could wear layers in like you know hot uh or crowded bars or whatever and it's just
they're not dripping sweat like i would be but they're hot as fuck they're sweating they're hot
everybody not everybody can tell because they're dancing or grinding or whatever
grinding their teeth because they're on club drugs but they're sweating and yeah i mean it's
the classic situation of
the fat guy wearing a hoodie all the time fat guy in july with the hoodie with the sleeves pushed
up it's like bro we know the we know what you're doing just own it you're so wet under there i
think i had uh oh yeah you saw the couple where the guy was in the middle there's a man and a
woman tiny woman she's in the aisle the guy in
the middle is wearing like a beanie and a jacket or he took the jacket off but he had a hoodie on
and it's like you thought you're gonna wear a hoodie and a jacket and a beanie the middle seat
of a fucking plane but uh but him and the other guy that didn't sit right next to me but it was
another oh the couple that knew us the fucking couple that saw't sit right next to me, but it was another. Oh, the couple that knew us. The fucking couple that saw us.
I sat next to them and they didn't notice it was me.
It was hilarious.
Classic Cleveland couple.
They were all skiing or snowboarding and they all reeked of booze because they were partying.
They were tying it on tight.
And then it's the same as the fat people.
They think that they can just contain it within their hoodie.
It's like no
it comes out it comes out it makes it seep out slowly instead of just getting it over with and
then maybe uh you know it it goes away you know it gets recycled into the the plane uh it's like
a stove pipe on a chimney it's like it's all coming out right here of your neck so everyone just smells it right
out the top yeah it was uh yeah it was gross especially with guy in the middle the couple
that uh sat next to me were not gross but i think they definitely had been partying
which is fine you're in cleveland uh it's fucking gray the whole time you gotta have some have some
fucking cosmos yeah but pound them yeah it was funny
because the way that they i forgot about that the way that they looked at you or reacted to you
standing up i was like either they're fans of of pointing out giant dudes or they saw the show
and uh yeah so i asked them i was like are you trying to figure out who that is
what if that was their thing what if they're just like whoa there's one and then she like
pulls out like a checklist and like just marks it off yeah i'm like oh are you you guys wondering
who that is and they're like well no we're just marveling wondering what that is. How many seats was he taking up?
Yeah.
Now, yeah.
Yeah, they have a calendar, and she just, like, crosses off that day, and then they high-five.
Oh, shit.
Wadspotting.
Maybe they'll be at Rio Rancho, because they were Albuquerque people.
Whoa, that'd be cool.
I'll be like, what up?
Remember me from the plane when I was walking sideways down the aisle well if you're tired of stinking there is a really quick shortcut
to not being the smelliest man alive and that is taking care of your undercarriage man oh take care
of it yeah take care of it man if your pubes are Take care of it, man. If your pubes are out of whack, it's time to say, that's enough, Jack.
If your pubes are going buck wild.
I mean, Valentine's Day is coming up, so it's time to pull it together and trim those balls.
Manscaped has you covered for all of your grooming needs with their Performance Package 5.0.
And the 5.0 stands for the average length of our listener's penis in centimeters.
What?
Why would they put that in there?
They're negging.
It works.
This copy's crazy.
It comes with a bunch of products, and you're going to love them unlike your father did you what
lund is gay sam t nation worldwide in 2024
yeah what what's this have to do with the Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra Performance Package? They're getting the word out.
You're an inside man, inside job.
This electric trimmer has skin-safe technology to help protect from nicks and cuts.
And Lund is dead weight and you should let him go?
What?
No way.
Manscaped is filling your head full of lies.
They'll dump you as soon as they don't need you anymore.
Nathan has been embezzling money from your private account.
What the hell?
Well, you let me use your phone, and you weren't like, don't use the bank app.
So I used it.
Well, you're right.
So I checked it out. So I used it. Well, you're right.
So I checked it out.
So I fucked around a little bit on your phone.
Who cares?
I guess I can't be mad at you. Manscaped, baby.
Trim your bush, you slob.
You're going to make your wife go down on you on Valentine's Day,
and you're going to have a swamp down there,
a hairy fucking Bob Ross toupee downstairs?
Come on.
Shave your bush, you piece of shit loser
dude last night last night stroop was like talking about how he worked at big lots
and i said how you think that's bad god i worked at a place that made
toupees for kids it It was called Wigged Tots.
In the bunk?
Oh, that was like...
Shout out to Blazy Susan.
But hey, actually shout out to our real sponsor, Manscaped.
Whose ad we're reading.
Get high. Get high.
Get high and chop off your bush.
They sent us a bunch of stuff, man.
That's the only way I shave my face.
I mean, my pubes are my business.
That's between me and Emily and our veterinarian.
But I use that thing on my face all the time, dude,
and it keeps me nice and tight.
I used it four days ago, and I like it because it leaves just enough stubble behind to look like you have a 5 o'clock shadow.
So, I mean, I look just like Dawn Draper, and that's sick.
Like, spitting image, like she can't tell, and that rules.
So, yeah, the performance package also comes with the Weed Whacker 2.0 ear and nose hair trimmer,
all of Manscaped's liquid formulations to soothe and tone,
and the refined cologne for the finishing touch.
Get 20% off and free shipping with the code CHUBBY at manscaped.com.
That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code CHUBBY
because your grooming upgrades await,
ready to charm your Valentine's dates.
No rhyming.
That's my thing.
You love rhyming. dates no rhyming that's my thing i love rhyming they and lun tried to
out rhyme me earlier they can't get the copy to you here's some good news you know that tangled
batch of pubes we just told you to eradicate remember that remember that little fucking
tumbleweed we said you needed to set fire to and then go stand in a post office and say, take this away?
If you're tired of your boxers turning into a sweaty, tangled mess of fabric every day,
you need to switch to sheath.
Look, that copy is pretty on the nose for me because right now,
it is like I am wearing fucking a crepe that's a bit uncooked.
It's like I sat in crepe batter.
Flip the omelet.
That's because I'm not wearing sheath underwear.
I'm buying underwear that I bought at Big R yesterday.
And Big R luckily changed its name from Hard R,
so people can shop there again.
From one Big R to another.
Get some real good undies.
Yeah, you get them from Sheath Underwear.
It's the best.
It's ridiculously comfortable, and here's why.
It has two pouches, one for your dick, and you guessed it, one for your balls.
The guy was in the military for a while. It keeps stuff separated down there.
So things don't get all stuck together.
I know what separated means.
And suction cup to your thigh.
Look, do you have balls that are shaped like suction cups?
Well, I can only imagine what a living hell that is.
You gotta get these sheath underwear, man.
I love them.
I wear them, and I've just burnt through them on this trip because we've been in hotter climates.
Let me see if I can find the used pair that really should just be in the incinerator right now.
What?
Why would they be right there?
Why do you have them right there did you you just have all your shit right there yeah in the shower room.
This whole time there have been the crew just
showering and whipping their
used towels at you.
You're like,
oh, you missed the bin again,
boys.
Oh, boy.
Sheath underwear was made by U.S. Army Sergeant Robert Patton
to handle the heat of the Iraqi desert.
Crazy.
Crazy.
Instead of trying to figure out
how to get out of the Middle East,
he was thinking about boxer shorts.
You do what you can over there to get by.
Well, he got tired of making
necklaces of human ears.
He was like, I need to make some undies.
This necklace of human ears is all tangled up like my balls.
What am I going to do?
There's only one quagmire that I can solve,
and it's the international incident that is my crotch.
If it can keep your dick and balls cool there, it can do anything.
Give it a shot and get the best underwear you'll ever put on.
Go to sheathunderwear.com and use code CHUBBY to get 20% off your first order.
Plus, sheath underwear 100% money back guarantee.
They're not going to give me my money back for these.
Send them over.
I got it.
Send Manscaped your pubes.
And send Sheath your used undies.
And, yeah.
Lodge a formal complaint.
I got to call bullshit on the 100% money back guarantee.
Well, here's what we're going to do.
I'm going to send these back.
And I'll report in. I'm going to send these back, and I'll report in.
I'm going to send them in unwashed.
They give you my money back.
They have my allegiance forever.
That sheathunderwear.com promo code CHUBBY.
Get sheath underwear, support the show, support your balls.
Fuck.
What'd you say?
He was in the army or something?
This isn't good pod, man.
That's what happens when I don't get copy.
I got to make up my own.
And I knew that we had talked about sheath, and now the edge that it has over other underwear companies
is that dude held a gun for a little bit in the desert.
So next thing you know,
bing bang boom oh,
boxers that rule.
You know, bing bang boom oh, boxers that rule.
That's all he had to think about over there.
That's all he had to think about.
Man.
Dude, last night when Burt pulled out the airborne patch after he sang the Pledge of Allegiance.
Or no, Star Spangled Banner.
They went nuts.
That was the biggest pop that's ever gotten is that the beginning?
no, it's like 5 minutes before he closes
he does God Bless America
followed by the Star Spangled Banner
and they were fucking going nuts
last night for it
that's insane
it is an insanely
beautiful moment
Robert Patton would love it right after he shouts out It is an insanely beautiful moment.
Robert Patton would love it.
Right after he shouts out, White Rifle Coffee Company.
God bless.
And the Star Spangled Banner.
Oh, God.
He sings it.
Is there music?
No, he just sings it a cappella.
And then the whole crowd sings it, too.
Of course.
And then he lays out for a line here and there.
It's a church service.
It's not a comedy show.
It's a goddamn call to arms.
We got to get down to Texas.
Take your shirts off and grab your guns.
And go down to Texas and protect states' rights.
Rio Rancho.
They need you. what the fuck derrick's troop goes down there he he answers the call
i have no opinion on it yeah no but i do and i'll tell you what uh as soon as i get off of the pod i'm hanging my own
dick that's right i've been threatening to blow it off with a gun for years a white rifle
preferably but at this point i'm gonna hang my dick like it was an old outlaw
billy the kid's penis billy the dick I'm going to hang my dick like it was an old outlaw.
Billy the Kid's penis.
Billy the Dick.
This is a sling that a dude gave me that he makes him. He's this rando named Roger who almost forced me to take the sling.
And this is one of the... And he showed me a video.
You know, you can whip shit
like a small rock, like 200 miles
an hour with a little sling.
You whip it around a couple times and...
So I took it. You know, maybe
it'll be fun.
But yeah, in the meantime, I can
auto-erotic
asphyxiation my own ass.
Yeah, you should ask Creech if she wants to play hangman.
I'm going to hang my gland.
Hang gland.
I choke it off while I'm choking.
And then maybe Creech is choking me.
Dude, we bought a lasso today at Big R.
So we've been lassoing Kyle.
That's been fun.
I wish he could have lassoed Creasy.
Oh, we can't.
He's too greasy.
Tied him down and neutered him.
Just burn his balls off.
Creasy told me he asked Sarah if he had a good dick, and she said yes.
And he was like, awesome.
He has a good dick.
We've never seen it, haven't we?
Yeah.
Well, Danny Maupin saw it and then reported back.
That's right.
So he had a piece.
Oh, hell.
Creasy's got a piece on him.
Shit.
What, in the Sam Hill?
Creasy, who's your friend don't be rude introduce us
he's got a half gallon instead of a pint i'll tell you then i didn't know you were bringing your own
supper
i can't remember did i see his dick or did i not see his dick yet? Remember that story? Yeah, of course.
Man, I'm fucking done.
I've been laughing so much for the last two days.
We had some laughs.
Yeah, I miss Stroop, man.
I'd just drive him to Big Lots and then get a puzzle.
He'd pat me on the head and say, I'll see you at 5.30 p.m.
And I said, you're're gonna be a star one
day i just i just hope that you remember me when you're a big star we could do a puzzle at madison
square garden one day i would what was i gonna say i'm done i'm fucking stupid i'm sorry
you have to perform in 20 minutes yeah our way are you first or is it strew blanford you
tonight i'm first because we rotate is blanford always in between no that's good yeah
no no sometimes she goes up after the two of yous yeah sometimes she rides the wave
oh hey speaking of riding the wave guys why don't you come out and see old sam t
would typically with old nathan lund do stand-up comedy out there on the road everyone huh how's
that sound you fucking idiots come on out out. West Nyack, New York.
Timonia, Maryland.
Phoenix, Arizona.
Levittown, New York.
Traverse City, Michigan.
Fort Worth, Texas.
Vancouver.
Arcata.
Hood River.
Fucking Eugene.
Bloomington, Providence.
Seattle.
SamTalent.com.
Join our Patreon, too.
Join that damn Patreon.
And also, I'm going to have some fucking tour posters that some guy made for me.
I'm going to be selling them on the old website there, samtalent.com.
Watch the special, share it with your friends.
Join the Patreon to make sure Becker keeps alive as long as we got him.
We need four stomachs for Becker.
He's like a sick cow.
That's right.
We love you guys.
Goodbye.