Comedy Bang Bang: The Podcast - CBB Presents: The Time Keeper's Leap Day Special (Neil Campbell, Bardia Salimi, Erin Keif, Claudia O'Doherty, Carl Tart, Scott Aukerman)
Episode Date: February 29, 2024It's the most special TIME in four years: February 29th — Leap Day! And what better TIME to catch up with Maxwell Keeper aka The Time Keeper? We find Maxwell busy at work, taking care of his brother...-in-law Desmond’s shop “Longo Watch Repair.” Who will walk through the doors on his most sacred day?
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to a special episode of Comedy Bang Bang.
Today we're going to do something a little bit different. Over at comedybangbangworld.com
we put out weekly episodes of a show called CBB Presents where some of your favorite characters
from this show host their own programs such as Hey Randy with Randy Snuts,
E Prey Dunk with Bill Walton. This book changed my life with Lily Sullivan. A couple of weeks ago, we released the second
Alamone Tonys Valamone Shoney.
And this week we've decided to put out
today's episode here on the free feed
so everyone can enjoy it.
So if you like what you hear,
there are more than a hundred other episodes
of CBB Presents you can hear over at CBB World.
Also we have The Neighborhood Listen.
We have Scott hasn't seen with Sprague the Whisperer
and myself, College Town.
The entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang so much more,
all you have to do is subscribe to CBBworld.com
on the Maximus tier.
You can either do it monthly
or if you subscribe for a whole year,
you get two of those months for free.
So now, without further ado,
please enjoy The Time Keeper's
Leap Day Special. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, it's the perfect year for
time. Time February 29
Hello, oh anybody you guys open yes, yes, well come in and welcome to Longo watch repair
Okay, great. Okay. I was having a little trouble finding it
Um, oh, yes. Yes, great. Yeah. Well, yeah gotta watch that in need of repair
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty busted. It is a tragedy to be sure but here's why we're here. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you
Yeah, well, thank you. Yes
I know you may be wondering am I desmond Longo owner of a Longo watch repair?
Were you wondering that?
Well, no, but I guess now. Yeah, I bet you are now that I put the idea in your head. Yeah, I'm not oh
So you're not though. I'm not Desmond Longo. I'm the timekeeper
Oh, so you're not the owner of the- I'm not Desmond Longo.
I'm the timekeeper.
Okay.
Desmond Longo is my brother-in-law.
He's out for a little bit,
so I'm kind of manning the store while he's gone.
Oh, okay, yeah, that's nice.
Yeah, I got to keep it in the family, okay.
Yes.
Yeah, that's great.
Great, well, let me see this watch.
Yeah, let me give it, let me show it to you.
He's the expert at fixing things,
but you know, I've been practicing so if you want I
Could be the one to try to work on it for free of charge of course
Oh my god
When you go to a salon and there's someone training you and you get a free haircut. Oh free. Yeah free
Yeah, if you don't mind that me
Me or trainee is trying to fix thine watch. Oh,, no, hey, I know how it is, man.
You know, on job training.
Yeah, here, I mean, of course,
I'd love for you to take a look at it.
Okay, well, it seems to be the problem.
Well, you know, it's pretty busted up.
It's, you know, it's, this thing goes back, you know.
Not ticking nor talking, I suppose.
No, not ticking or talking.
Not, you know, and, you know, it's an old piece of,
you know, it's an old piece, obviously.
Oh yes, it's a beaut.
Yeah, it's been in the family for as long as, yeah.
As long as it goes, you know.
As long as Time and Memorial.
Yeah, yeah, Time and Memorial.
Belonged on Uncle Mine, real sweet guy.
What's your name, sir?
Mine's Bobby.
Bobby, oh, I love that, Danea.
Reminds me of the police overseas. Oh
No, in the UK. Yes. Yes
Yeah, I've never been I hear that yeah, I hear the Guinness is different in Europe. Yes, I've heard that too
Yeah, the glasses are upside down
You're funny too, this is great I don't intend to be. Oh, man. But yeah, it belonged to a great uncle, an uncle of mine, real sweet guy.
Oh, so it has sentimental value. Oh, he passed away.
Yeah, he passed recently.
Oh, not violently, I hope.
Well, unfortunately, I wish I could say no. It's, I guess it was, you could say it was violent,
kind of a freak accident.
Well, here, let me just see if I can start fixing this.
Yeah, yeah, please.
Yeah.
OK, let me just open it.
Freak accident.
Whoops.
Sorry, just.
Oh, sorry.
No, no, it's OK.
A freak accident.
Go on here.
I'll just keep fixing it.
Oh, no, no, you do your thing.
Let me just try this.
OK, don't worry about that, that's supposed to happen.
There was probably an extra spring inside of it,
could have been the problem.
Anyway, go on to your uncle, he passed.
Yeah, you sure it's fine?
Yeah, yes, yes, it's normal.
I hope he's buying this.
Freak accident type deal.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, well, it's kind of no way to say it without it.
You know, you gotta laugh, I guess.
Well, he died.
He was a big fan of this film, Pulp Fiction.
I don't, you know, I never seen it.
I don't like the violent movies.
I like the lighthearted stuff, Bugs Life.
Well, it came out in 1994, a wonderful year.
Oh yeah, Bugs Life.
You like Bugs Life?
Indiana and the Copper, Simon Burch. I mean, that's more my seat. Oh, yeah bugs life
Simon birch, I mean that's more
Yeah, but he loved that movie man and he'd get his buddies together every weekend they'd watch it and I guess they They went to you know, they had a couple of drinks and
somebody dared him if he can and
You know, it's okay to laugh this is
insane it's a freak act he put it I guess someone in the movie Paul Fiction
puts a timepiece in his anus Christopher Walken does that oh Chris
Walken yeah I like him oh yes yeah I liked him in a click mm I liked him in a click. Mmm. I liked him in that fat boy slim music video. Oh, I like that too. Yeah
but he put it
He put it up there and and they say died instantly. We don't know if it was he died from putting a watch off his butt
We don't know if it hit an artery if it was an allergic reaction to the metal
but seems like things passed through the the butt all the time without
allergic reaction to the metal but almost... Seems like things pass through the butt all the time without...
morbid results you would think he wouldn't...
he wouldn't perish from such a thing.
And I get it. And I know, you're saying that. It's okay. I mean, you can't...
I'm not gonna laugh. I'm more surprised.
No, no, no. You're smiling. I said you cracked a little smile and that's okay.
I mean, how can you not? How on earth can you not?
Yeah, well...
It's okay.
I'm just smiling. You know, it's leap day after all. I'm smiling because I love this wonderful day.
Oh, is it leap day? Oh, yes, it's leap day
I didn't know I didn't I had no idea. Oh, well, it's a very important day
We're getting every four years. We're giving an extra day to appreciate time. Well, you know, I guess I never thought about that
I never really thought of what the hell is leap day. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's a day to appreciate time
Yeah, yeah, so so your uncle passed away
And now I guess I'm should ask has the the watch I'm working on right now
That was up his butt. I was gonna eat it. Don't you don't worry. I scrubbed it up
I put you know some dial soap on there and it's go. It's you know, I meant to say that I know what you think
No, it's well, let me just see if I can work on it a little more here
I said how's it going?
Sounds that's how I should
Little instruments very intricate. Yeah, well you have to use the drill and then sometimes yeah
Yeah, that was all normal that was part of the procedure just try to get it ticking again
So so I'm sorry that it that it
Thank you. Yeah, what's an instrument of death?
that it, that it, thank you. Yeah. Was an instrument of death. Yeah.
It was you close with your uncle and look, I hate to ask this.
I know it's very personal, but was it your mother or father's sibling?
It was my, it was my, it was my, uh, my father's. Oh, a paternal uncle.
Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Not, you know, I gotta say, not too close. You know, it's,
Oh, anytime we hang out, hey, you want, I gotta say not too close, you know, it's, anytime we hang
out, hey, you want to watch Pulp Fiction again?
Well, he was really into it.
I don't want to watch the movie. I don't like this kind of film. And, you know, my other
brothers, you know, a lot closer. They were close to it. They watch it. They love it.
But he's kind of fanatic.
You're into Simon Burch.
Yeah, I like Simon. Simon Burch is probably my favorite movie I I've ever seen. I don't think anything's top Simon Burch
Hmm. He hits a home run in that movie, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, and what a heartwarming film
And you know and of course the death was was sad. Oh sure sure
Simon Burch Indian in the cupboard. I haven't seen that one. Huh? I haven't seen that one. Oh my god
Incredible special effects. Oh, you know,
because that's the thing nowadays, the movies, you know, it's all green screen is what they call
it. Oh, yeah. You'll be watching a thing. You're thinking, Oh, what's going on here? Meanwhile,
they're all dressed in green and the background is green too. Oh, Ain't that a bitch? I didn't know they were also in green.
Yeah.
They're not even wearing a costume.
Oh yeah, everything's green and then it's like, yeah.
You know.
And this is every movie?
This is pretty much every movie now.
They're doing this.
Wow.
Yeah.
But Indian in the cupboard.
Mm-hmm.
Let me tell you.
I think that's practical effects.
They don't know or maybe they got a really small man to play the, you know.
Seems possible.
But what a great movie.
Okay.
Well, here, I think it's fixed.
Look at that.
It's working.
Look, it's telling you the correct time.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Look at that.
It's ticking. It's talking. My two favorite words. Hey
I'm gonna recommend. I'm gonna come back one of these. I mean, you know, I'm gonna tell you know
Yes, there's word of mouth. That's that's the
Yeah, you need a yeah, you need a raise. I mean, you know, I think the imprentons ship
I do it for the love of time. timepieces, which tell us the very time.
Well, I can't thank you enough.
Oh, thank you, Bobby, for letting me work on your watch.
I'm in unusual circumstances to fix the watch.
I said, I'm sorry that it killed your uncle and that you inherited it,
even though you weren't close with him.
You did it here.
Was this a legal inheritance that you go to a reading of the will and all of that?
Yeah, I went to the whole thing and, you know, and he, he, he, he, you know, he had
quite a bit of wealth.
He was, you know, he had a chain of blimpsies.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Should I have known that?
Oh, well, no.
Oh, okay.
Why, why, why?
Yeah.
Well, you just unless you've been to a blimpy, he's got his picture pretty much on every wall
of a blimpy.
Wow.
So he's like the Jared from Subway of blimpy's.
Yeah, yes, yeah, I guess you could say that.
Yes.
Yeah.
Except he's tragically passed.
He is dead.
And Jared is happily still alive.
Yeah, Jared is, yeah.
Isn't that something, isn't that just say life in a nutshell?
That's life in a nutshell.
Jared is alive and kicking in my poor uncle.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but at least his watch
is working again, and you can check the time all day,
this leap day, and see what time it is.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, that's a very nice thought.
Yes, yes.
Thanks.
Wow.
I can't believe it.
Believe away, my child.
All right. Fare thee well, farewell. Okay, farewell. Yeah, farewell. Bye-bye.
Okay.
What a lovely man.
Excuse me, sir. Can I hide here? What? Hide? I'm certainly. Yes, yes. Mm-hmm. Excuse me, I'm a sir. Can I hide here?
What?
Hide?
I'm certainly, yes, yes, hide, hide.
Sorry, sorry.
Young lad.
The bullies are right outside.
They're nipping at my heels, sir.
Oh, the bullies?
Oh, yes, I see some hooligans kind of walking by and rolling up their sleeves,
looking left and right.
Are they punching their hands into their hands?
Together like this.
I'm trying to read their lips.
Where do we get our hands on him?
Yeah, and they're the nerds at my school.
They're nerds?
Yeah.
What makes that you then?
Yeah. Well, that you then?
Well, my name is Marvin Glasses.
You might recognize me from being on the front page of the paper.
I threw up down my shirt at the National Spelling Bee.
Oh yes, yes.
That was the same day as the invasion of Ukraine, right?
And it was the top story.
So you do know me?
Yes.
Whatever's lower than a nerd, that's what I am.
Oh, a sub-nerd!
Mm-hmm.
I used to be a popular kid at my school and then, um, they showed us that video on how
our bodies work and I fainted.
And now they're all trying to kill me, sir.
Oh my gosh, the bullies, they're trying to beat you up and kill you.
They went to End Your Life!
Are they still out there?
What's like Bobby's uncle? What? Who's Bobby? It End Your Life. Are they still out there?
What?
Who's Bobby?
It doesn't matter.
Are they still out there, sir?
They seem to have moved on. They're crossing the town square now. The Tallahassee town
square.
Okay, well I don't quite buy it because they took my scarf and they all smelled it, so
they know my smell so they could follow me easier.
Like bloodhounds. Yes.
Oh my gosh. Yes, sir.
These bullies are getting more and more...
Pursuit happy.
Yeah, well, let me guess.
You were once like me, right?
What gives you that impression?
You're everything.
Well, yes, I suppose in every way I was.
Yes, I was beaten up on the regular.
Well, I'm going to hang out here until I'm sure they're gone.
Sure, sure.
You can hide away.
Yes, just keep ducked down behind that chair there and we'll just let you hide until you're
fully safe.
Thank you, sir.
I'm so lucky I ran into a loser store.
Yes.
Well, it was a real role of the dice for me. It's not a loser store. It's Desmond a loser's store. Yes. Well- That was a real roll of the dice for me.
It's not a loser's store, it's Desmond Longo's store, my brother-in-law.
I'm just the timekeeper and I'm sort of manning the store while he's out today.
That's crazy.
I didn't think places like this really existed.
Um, watch repair stores?
Yeah, only in, uh, you know that TV show Heroes?
That's what the villain
does in that show oh I have never seen it I've only seen one Hayden Panetti airy
project I love you Beth Cooper classic I was born in 2013 but I know all these
movies oh that's good yes yes mm-hmm well do you have any leap day plans? Young Marvin!
Oh, leap day?
You mean the worst day of the entire year?
What?!
How dareth you speak such words!
Leap day is the best day of the every four years!
If you're getting beat up 365 days a year, you don't want a bonus day.
Oh. 65 days a year. You don't want a bonus day. Oh, so you think because there's an extra day of the year,
that means an extra beating for you this year?
Yes, sir. That's what it means.
And that's why you hate leap day?
Yeah. And also it makes the winter longer.
And everyone who has a birthday on this day never shuts up about it, sir.
Uh, well, tell that to Ja Rule.
Who sir?
Ja Rule, he was born on Leap Day.
Oh and also most serial killers right?
Well sure Richard Ramirez and Eileen Wernos but
if it weren't for her Charlize Theron wanted to have an Oscar.
Oh boy sir.
So Leap Day is a wonderful day! I don't think so.
What? I can't believe you say this!
Why do you speak these sins to me?
Well, it has no good branding, sir.
There's no, like, Leap Day colors or Leap Day traditions.
It's just a waste.
Do you ever think it's doing enjoy it in their own way?
Some dance a jig, some look at the time, some count every second of the day.
Yeah, some get beat up by their school nerds.
Yes, yes, well...
Let's put it this way.
I think that if you stick around here today,
a few guests might stop by
and teach you the true meaning of leap day.
Sir, you're talking slow like you're about to teach me a lesson.
I don't think so.
Hello?
Yes, come in, come in,
and welcome to Longo Watch Repair.
Oh wow, you are older than I expected.
How old are you?
40! 40! Okay, no, that's older than I expected. How old are you? Forty!
Okay, no, that's really, that's fine. That's okay. That's fine. Wow. I am nervous. Hi.
Why are you nervous?
Well, here's the thing. I'm, my name's Lisa.
Lisa? Oh, wonderful name.
Yeah, Lisa Pizza. And I am here as part of a Tallahassee dating initiative.
Okay.
It's called Let's Just Go For It.
And it's meant to be 50% less nerve-wracking
than going on a blind date.
So you don't know that we're on a date,
but I do know that we're on a date.
So I'm looking forward to seeing if Sparks fly.
You're the timekeeper, right?
I'm the timekeeper, Maxwell Keeper.
Exactly. So hi.
Hi, Lisa Pizza.
Hi. So I just moved here recently,
so that's why I'm looking to meet new people.
And...
So we're on a date right now?
Yeah. What do you... Do you like it?
Well, I like anything that happens on Leap Day.
Right.
It's Leap Day after all. on leap day. Right. It's leap day after all.
Oh, OK.
OK, so part of the let's just go for it
dating initiative is you have to be like radically honest.
So normally on the first day, you might sort of try to sort of
endear yourself to someone by not being completely honest.
OK. Honestly, I don't care about leap day.
Oh, I have no special about Leap Day. Oh.
I have no special feelings about it.
I was hoping you'd love it and I could teach
young Marvin here a lesson about the value of Leap Day.
Right.
Oh, is this your son?
No.
No way.
Didn't know you had, okay.
I am not with this guy.
No, I'm just helping Marvin hide from some bullies.
Maybe I'm with this guy.
We don't know yet.
Yeah, that's true. Sir, tell'm just helping Marvin hide from some bullies. Maybe I'm with this guy. We don't know yet.
That's true.
Sir, tell her about how you were a loser growing up.
No.
I think sparks may fly.
So, Alisa, I'm OK with being on a date.
Great.
Pizza, last name pizza.
Did your ancestors invent the round food?
They did, we're Italian.
Wow.
And so yeah, I'm working in the pizza space at the moment
as a pizza chef.
I mainly stuffing hot dogs into pizzas.
That's my sort of signature.
I've never had a hot dog stuffed pizza.
I think you'd really like it.
And if things, you know, if sparks fly today,
maybe one day you could try one of my hot dog stuff pizzas. God, I am really nervous
No, it's okay. I'm nervous too. I don't go on many dates
Can I get you to started with a water or anything?
Okay, yes, we have a bathroom in the back use the sink not the toilet find you
I don't water not for the bathroom. Oh, I hope he heard
So how do you feel about this I?
Confused would be the first word I'd say but uh, yeah
I guess I'm willing to roll with it
His leap day after all like I said said I do not care if it's leap day. Well maybe I
could convince you a leap day is a wonderful day. Why what's so good about it? It's a day every four
years set aside just to appreciate time. Right. Okay what do you like doing in Tallahassee? I like
looking at clocks. I like telling people what time it is. I like answering questions about time.
I like hanging out with my brother-in-law Desmond.
Yeah, he's actually the one who signed you up for this.
Oh, I didn't realize. I thought you just picked someone random. So someone else signed me up.
I would not have chosen you if it were up to me, but it was.
That's why he isn't here today.
I guess so.
That makes perfect sense.
It was a setup.
Two toilet waters for the love bird.
Thank you so much.
Wait, and did you also go to the bathroom?
In the sink.
That's great.
Marvin, I'm starting to see where the bullies are coming from.
Same with you from me, sir.
Oh, one day I'll hit this child.
Ha ha ha.
So, uh...
Did your date hear you say that?
I think you're in the clear.
Thanks.
Ha ha ha.
So, Lisa, your fam, you work in a pizza space.
Now is that the name of the place or is,
was that just a term and there's a name of this restaurant?
That's the restaurant's name is the pizza space. Yeah, I just opened it here in Tallahassee.
Oh, that's wonderful.
As you can tell from my accent, I'm not from here.
Oh.
New York City.
Yeah, I was gonna say Gainesville.
All right. Well, wherever, which borough would you?
Queens.
Queens, mm.
That's where I'm from.
I can hear it. Yes. Yes, mm. Mm-hmm. That's where I'm from.
I can hear it, yes.
Yes, in the accent.
I can hear the Shea Stadium in the way you pronounce certain syllables.
That's the main stadium I would, yeah, I would be hanging out at when I was back there.
But now, new life here in Tallahassee.
Tallahassee, well, that's...
What are like the best activities to do here in this place?
Time related.
Well, no, just generally.
Well, I don't really know what else people get up to apart from time related activities.
I guess there's a university of some sort here.
I could enroll in the university.
That is a good idea.
Sir, tell her she is a nice smile.
Oh, thine smile.
Oh, his. Never mind, sir.
No, never mind.
Curve of the earth upside down.
I'm frowning.
Oh, no, I mean, when you see the curve from far away, it's kind of a
and you're looking at the horizon.
It's sort of a frown. But when that flips, you know,, it's kind of a, and you're looking at the horizon, it's sort of a frown, but when that flips,
you know, and it's a circle,
like maybe a lesion there's something,
I don't know, look, did I do a good job?
Marvin?
No.
Oh, how does Marvin have more game than me?
How old are you Marvin?
Born in 2013 I said, which makes me 11. Okay, don't worry about it.
You have a very nice smile, man. Thank you so much.
Oh, hey Marvin, why don't you...
Sierra know me here a bit.
Okay.
So, um...
Do you have any siblings?
Do you have any siblings?
No.
Uh, go on about that.
I didn't say that!
I'm going off book!
Trust me!
Um, yeah, no siblings.
You know, parents broke up pretty soon after I was born.
Oh, because of that?
In the hospital, yes.
Oh, in the hospital? Wow, in the hospital. Yeah.
Wow, was it the birth of Factor?
I think so.
I think it was pretty traumatic for everyone involved.
Sure.
I've seen on the movie.
But of course, my dad is the one who raised me because I kept the pizza name.
Yes, of course.
And that's why I now work in the pizza space.
Yes.
Pretty upsetting to really think about it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, I'll only make you think about it a little bit longer.
OK. I guess I've seen movies sometimes during childbirth.
A woman's like, oh, you'll never touch me again.
You know, was it one of those situations?
And then she actually stuck with her word.
Yeah, she said she didn't want to have sex with him ever again.
Yeah. Yeah.
So and then he broke up with her, but he took the baby.
Yes, that makes sense. Will the battle of the sexist ever truly declare a winner?
Excuse me, miss. I don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but I have a really
handsome, really funny English teacher that I think you would just really hit it off with.
Oh, that sounds really cool. How does he feel about leap day?
He is kind of indifferent
to it, to hates it. Wow. Here's his email. I love you so much. Well look, I can't, I may not be able
to offer everything this guy has. I don't have an email address. Okay, well I think an email address
can be really cool. I've got one, lisapeitzer at.com. Well, I had one for 10 years and no one ever emailed me,
so I deleted it.
What was the address?
The Timekeeper, his very self at Prodigy.
At Prodigy?
Yes.
I've never heard of that server, that platform.
Well, it was ProdigyFanClub.net.
Oh, I see.
Yes.
I have to turn my life around.
I gotta figure it out or I'm gonna end up like this guy.
You know, that's a good thing.
No.
More food?
So, um, the pizza space, that's the name of your restaurant.
Yeah, and it's hot dog base pizza.
And it's hot dog base pizza.
No, it's not a pizza.
I love pizza.
It's the very shape of one of my favorite objects.
A clock face.
Oh, I see.
So I don't think, well, I guess depending on what angle
you're looking at hot dog.
We do hot dog shaped pizzas and we do stuff
the pizzas with hot dogs.
Okay. So the whole pizza like in three dimensions
is like a long cylinder.
Mm-hmm.
Interesting.
Yeah. In all three dimensions. Yes. The long cylinder. Okay. Yeah, in all three dimensions. Yeah. Long cylinder. Okay.
Stuffed with hot dogs. So it kind of looks like a hot dog and it does taste like hot dog.
But there's cheese and dough involved. Yeah. Okay. Hey, that's pizza. That's pizza. Your
family invented it. Who am I to speak upon it? Exactly. So pizza space was the decor
outer space themed like you my you know one of my favorite restaurants is Cosmix.
What, tell me more about that.
I've never heard of it.
It's an outer space themed McDonald's
sort of knockoff in Bowlingbrook, Illinois.
Oh wow.
And what kind of food do they serve?
It's kind of like they're doing a Dunkin'
or Starbucks thing where you can order like
breakfast things on your app.
Oh, I love ordering from apps actually. That's my favorite way to get food.
Really specific drinks, how many squirts of that or plumps of this, you know.
Okay, well what does that have to do with space?
It's space themed, Cosmix. And I was wondering if pizza space is also space themed.
It's more hot dog themed.
Oh, OK.
So there's paintings of hot dogs on the wall?
Paintings of hot dogs in space.
So I guess in a way it is space themed.
Oh, OK.
Yes.
Yeah, I understand.
I didn't immediately occur to you.
So it's like rockets going into space for the rockets
with like hot dogs.
So it is.
OK.
Yes.
Ultimately, you're right.
It is a little bit space themed.
A little space themed.
Now what are the menu items?
Have any sort of spacey names to them or yes?
OK, let me guess.
Blast off pizza.
Yeah, we've got blasters.
Huh. We've got countdowns.
OK, we've got comments.
OK, your initial instinct that there was not space.
I'm just so nervous because of this day.
I'm nervous too.
Yeah.
My knees keep knocking together.
Oh, that's what that noise is.
I thought it was that clock.
Oh, no, that was how I would have repaired it
if the clocks were knocking together.
No, just like tick it, like a ticking noise.
Oh, chicken.
Let's not forget talk, yes.
Oh, I would never would.
Thank you.
So.
This is hard to watch, sir. Because it's getting too adult. Yes, of course. I would never would thank you. So this is hard to watch sir
Because it's getting too adult. No sir
You don't forget you not old enough for PG 13 movies yet. So these kids not your son
No, I'm helping this child hide from bullies. Oh
I was getting beat up because you didn, you didn't administer these wounds to him.
No, no, I didn't raise Marvin.
Any imperfections in Marvin's psyche are not due to me.
That's great.
Well, maybe a little now, sir, after watching you on a date.
Well, time will tell.
So you have run your pizza space.
Is that your passion?
Is with you hope to remain in the pizza industry until the very day you pass on from this mortal coil?
Absolutely.
Yeah. But I do also want to bring hot dogs, you know, themed pizza to Tallahassee.
How's business doing? Well, so far we're at today is like opening day. Wow, and you left to go to on a fine day?
We haven't actually opened yet.
We're opening in about half an hour.
So we might have to close you.
Oh, wonderful amount of time.
Yeah, exactly.
I love that.
I just thought I'd squeeze in a first date before opening.
That's a squeeze away.
What an auspicious day to be like, you know, maybe maybe.
Yes, leap day, yes. Yeah, but I just, I can't get on board with that.
Okay, but you mean opening day.
Opening day.
Yeah, you're already.
Yes, and you're kinda all excited anyway,
and you might as well channel that nervous energy
into, you know, get one day out
where all the nervous energy comes out.
Opening and the blind date.
Exactly, you know, look really nice for two things.
Exactly, yes.
Do you think I look nice?
Yes, I certainly do.
Oh, sir.
Wow.
Sorry, I was fixing a watch!
I was fixing a watch!
You know, I think my English teacher, Mr. Jacobs,
was talking all about going to the opening of your restaurant.
Pizza space?
Yes, he said that that is like,
his number one dream is a pizza theme,
or space themed pizza theme.
It's hot dog theme.
Hot dog themed space.
That's exactly what he said, is what you're saying.
Yeah, okay.
Wow, soulmate.
Some English teacher can barely get out of sentence,
it sounds like.
He's my hero, sir.
Careful how you talk about him. Well, well you maybe you should go hide with him
if only sir
You know I bet if you did he'd molest you sir
Someone had to say it
It's true. I was gonna say it. So I'm glad it was Maxwell rather than me.
But I am more interested in this English teacher
than to be honest, not to, no offense.
Some was taken, I have to say.
I don't mean it to be offensive,
but you know, sparks aren't flying.
Would you say they're flying?
No, well, formed by my, in comparison to other dates I've been on. Yes. Yes. This
is the best one I've ever been on. Wow. Okay. Well, maybe we should continue being on it
for a little bit longer. So what was the worst accident you've ever been in? Oh, once in Boston, I got sucked into some gears and of,
but it was a kingdom of modern times.
Look, it doesn't matter.
So yeah, that's another cock thing.
No, it's not.
My English teacher is six, five,
and he looks like a Disney prince.
Oh, that's really good.
Okay.
Yeah, the beast.
Sir.
What?
You knew I had to go there.
Well, I'm going to have to turn the pizza ovens on pretty soon.
And I'm going to have to start cleaning the hot dogs
before I stuff them into the pizzas.
What's that in tail?
You just rinse them in hot water.
I wasn't sure if it's sort of a brushing or anything.
You dry them off with a towel and then you brush them obviously and then you sprinkle
seasonings onto them and then you have to sort of dunk them in oil before you wrap them
into the pizza.
Sir, I'm falling in love with her.
Oh, I bet Marvin.
Okay.
But it's really been good to meet you and you're welcome to come to
Peter's Base anytime. Okay.
To time, that's something you like, but I wish you all the best and this little boy,
I hope you'll help set me up with your teacher.
I would love to miss. Okay, great. Um, good luck with all the timekeeping.
Oh, thank you.
Um, you know, I just, you know, I do not care about leap day.
Oh, okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Wow. So, uh, I think that went well, don't you? That went amazing, sir!
I think she'll be back!
Mm-hmm.
This is really good for me.
Wow.
I mean, I have been on a date before.
Oh, sir.
And that wasn't the first.
Uh, you said that I would care a little bit more about leap day, sir.
Yeah, well, do you?
I care less than I did before, sir.
Yes, okay.
I thought that guest was going to be, I mean, not guest, customer.
Well, I guess it wasn't even a customer.
I guess I was just hoping someone would come in and you'd learn more about the true meaning
of leap day,
but I suppose that didn't really happen,
but I still have faith.
A guest will come in and you'll learn
the true meaning of leap day.
Oh.
Hi, hello.
Oh, hello, welcome in.
Hi.
Do you repair watches here?
Yes, yes, this is Longo Watch Repair.
And Sun, wink.
Oh, this is your son?
Yes, wink.
Why do you guys keep audibly saying wink?
It's a father-son bonding ritual.
Oh, nice.
That's fun.
Thanks.
My name is Loco.
And I am a Norse god. And I'm here to get my watch repaired.
A Norse God? Hailing from Asgard?
I don't know.
Oh, I was born in Detroit.
Okay, well that's probably just our name for it.
So you were a Norse God hailing from Detroit?
Yeah.
Okay, I've heard of Steve Is hailing from Detroit. Yeah. Okay.
I've heard of Steve Iserman being from Detroit, but.
I don't know who that is.
Oh, that's okay.
Who is that?
A red wing.
Oh, nice.
Look, he is in Tampa now.
He lives in the state.
Maybe, I don't actually forget.
It doesn't matter.
Look.
Here is how.
Tell me more, Loco. Yeah, my name is Loco. Loco, L-O-C-O.
L-O-C-O. Oh, yes. I found out I was, I was
low, I found out I was a Norse god by this watch, but I broke it. I dropped it. Oh.
Uh, I turned it. Mm-hmm. I was trying to set it and it sent me through this time loop thing.
Okay. Yes. Yes. I'm very interested in this.
It put me back into a time,
every time I turned it, it sends me back to the 90s.
What?
And my only power, I guess, is saying the phrase,
don't you know I'm local,
because people never know my name.
Oh my gosh, that is a power to be sure.
So this watch, you turn it over when it works,
mind you, it sends you to the 90s.
Yeah.
Are you able to sort of prevent tragedies?
I can only say, I could try, but usually, like I tried,
like 1993,
they tried to blow up the World Trade Center.
Yes.
I went to those guys and I said, hey, stop.
And they were like, no.
Oh.
And I said, don't you know I'm local?
Maybe, oh.
And what did they do?
Wait, I do remember reading that in my history book.
Now that you say it, that a guy ran in
and yelled hey stop
To them sure another timeline. Maybe they succeeded and you're the one who did stomp them
Yeah, but I I wish there was more things for me to do
I when I wave my hands nothing happens when I don't you know, I'm loco
That's it. Okay, and hopefully it
Offends them in some sort of way.
It makes them change.
I mean, I don't know the why you feel having this time travel
capability is already pretty good.
You may not need a special power on top of that.
I mean, I should be able.
I wanted to when I first found out I was like, I wanted to go save the world.
Yes. But my my I can't do anything else besides say that.
Well, is there anything else you'd like to be able to change in the 90s?
If you, you know, maybe there's something you can do and, you know, we can figure out
the plan and it doesn't need to be you saying, don't you know I'm loco?
It can be.
That's the problem when I go back.
That's all you can do.
All I can do is say that I have no other words.
But now you can't even go back because your watch is broken.
Exactly.
How did it break, may I ask?
And I know that's a very sensitive question.
I fell off a bicycle.
Two wheels.
Two wheels.
I was going real fast.
I went through a spider web.
You know, the spiders here in Florida.
Yes, yes.
Went through a spider web and got scared that the spider was on me
Right fell cracked the watch on the sidewalk. Wow. That's almost a superhero or a gen except. It's how you stopped having powers
Yes, exactly. It's a kind of madam web
What is that? I
commercialized saw the other day
How many times did you get to go back to the 90s sir before it broke?
I well when I first found out I was setting the get to go back to the 90s, sir, before it broke? Oh, when I first found out, I was setting the watch, I went back to 1991.
Mmm, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves came out that year.
Yeah.
Also, that was the year that the cops beat up Rodney King.
Yes, we have two different frames of reference.
And I went to them and I was trying to stop.
So I said, hey, stop.
That's good.
And they didn't.
And they said, why, why should we stop?
And all I could say was, don't you know, oh, a tragedy to be sure.
You're this is Sisyphusian.
Yeah, you want to be able to change all these moments in history.
And you're powerless.
All you can say is, don't you know I'm low code?
Maybe there's some circumstance where that would actually change history.
Maybe.
Once you fix this watch, we can go back and see.
Let me get at it. Let me get.
Sir, aren't you being filled with just memories of all the times
in the 90s where that was in the history books?
Like, I'm thinking back to the special features of Titanic before he was mistreating his actors on set and then that guy ran in and tried to stop it. The water's too cold for Kate Winslet and
William Arden Caprio. You're two years too young to be swatching Titanic. Young Marvin. Sorry, sir.
Yeah, that's movies PG-11. Naughty, naughty. Not PG PG 11, but that is true. I went back to the center Titanic. No water was too cold
I ran a James Cameron and say hey stop
He said why should I stop we're filming a movie and I said don't you know I'm local? Oh, and they continue to film
I'm I watched that car scene like 45 times or
From Titanic. Okay. Well, don't tell me what you got up to after that.
That's not legal for me to hear.
All right, let me get back to this watch.
Hey, watch where you're putting your hands in that.
It seems to have...
It seems to have some seems to have a safe guard.
Can we do that again?
I don't think you got it.
Oh yeah.
Let me just see what I did before.
Okay. Did anyone else hear a scream, sir?
Though many watches have that as a sort of security measure.
A woman's scream when you try to open up the back of the watch
to prevent thievery of all sorts.
Uh, is it done?
Let me just do a... Sorry, I got an erection, so I was fixing it.
That's what happened to me during the car seat, sir.
Oh, Marvin, I'm not allowed to hear these things.
Sorry.
You're wearing like, we can really see it,
till you're wearing like a MC Hammer style pants.
Yes, yes.
You know, I tried to go back and stop him
from wearing those pants.
What'd you do?
I walked up to him and said, hey, stop. I tried to go back and stop him from wearing those pants. What'd you do? I walked up to him say hey stop and he was buying them
He goes what who are you and I said don't you know I'm local
Well, I bet he's used to people after saying stop things saying hammer time
Which is one of my favorite times I have to say I don't have that word
In my travels. Okay. I say it now. Is there a circumstance? Do we think there's a circumstance where saying don't have that word in my travels. Okay, well. I can say it now. Is there a circumstance?
Do we think there's a circumstance where saying,
don't you know I'm Loco,
could change history for the better?
Well, let's try it.
Okay.
Turn the watch back.
We'll go back together.
All right.
So when George Bush senior threw up on himself,
remember that?
Yes, in Japan.
My favorite thing from the 90s.
He dishonored, yes.
The Japanese people. Here we go. Here we go.
When are we?
This is Japan.
Nineteen ninety one.
Wow, look at the cherry blossoms.
The cherry blossoms blossoms the Honda's
the oh, that's
Wow in accord
Brand new Yes, wow. Oh
There he is. There's a president
1992 sorry. Oh, yes, right, of course. There's the president mr. President mr. President
Oh, yes, right, of course. Mr. President.
Mr. President.
Mr. President.
Not gonna do it.
Not gonna do it.
Not gonna throw up today.
Hey, stop.
What's that now?
What do you want me to do?
Because I really, what I do is not do stuff.
What I do is not do stuff, so I don't do stuff like stop.
I don't stop unless that's something to do.
I don't do this.
Oh, I think you'll stop when you hear what he has to say.
I'm just about to eat this sushi.
That's something I am gonna do.
What do you have to say, sir?
Don't you know I'm local?
Whoa!
Okay, Marvin, check your history book.
See if history changed
Nerd
That's my son by the way, let's see
Wink, wait 1992. Yes George Bush senior. Yes
Definitely threw up
You are causing these things maybe you caused them trying to bomb it.
Maybe you caused the treatment of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate
Winslet. Maybe you are the one who made the 90s happen.
Wow. I didn't even think about it like that.
Maybe they all know I'm local.
Yes. It could be that you sang your loco is what created the entire decade. Wow.
These are these are things that you don't know. I'm trying to sort of wrap my head around
the time. Well, how that would even work. Or if possible, I was adopted. So I didn't
know this about myself. Oh, I got this why a Percy Jackson sort of
Yeah, Percy Jackson. I actually I don't know if he's adopted
Maybe he's not I
Just found this out. I was just living my life. I'm in Detroit, Detroit. Oh
He's what's a mile like? Oh my god. It is amazing. They have the best fries. Hmm. Have you ever had a hot dog pizza?
I have. Really?
I'm actually going to an opening of a hot dog pizza place later today.
My girlfriend is the owner of that place.
I don't know if that's true.
What? Why would you bust in that?
Your girlfriend. Yeah.
That lady's a free spirit. I know who she is.
Do you know Lisa Pizza?
I do know Lisa Pizza.
From Queens, Lisa Pizza?
Yeah. Wow.
Detroit is the third city.
So I had to go to the first city, which is New York,
and the second city, which is Chicago.
Chicago?
And then Detroit.
Sorry, I was just thinking of a second city sketch.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Well, what's today's date?
It's February 29th, Leap Day, the most wonderful day
of the year.
I don't care about that.
What the fuck? I'll give you a shit about it.
You don't give a shit about Leap Day.
Even time travelers don't care.
Yeah, you're a time traveler.
Haven't you ever traveled to a Leap Day in the 90s?
Maybe.
I never really checked the date of which I traveled.
Didn't travel to one of Jarl Rule's birthday bashes?
Ah, nah, I have done that.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, that's good.
Maybe it was on a Leap Day. It was on the birthday. It's Well, that's good. Maybe it was on a leap day.
It was on the birthday.
It's Jharul Boron.
He's born on leap day.
Ah, that's a shame.
Well, I know it's awesome.
That's a stupid day to be born on.
Oh.
Amen, sir.
Loop the.
Ah, no, I shouldn't say it.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
So, well, look, the loco. Were you known as something else before that or have you always
just been loco?
A locoaceous was before that.
Oh, beautiful name.
Thank you.
Irish?
No.
Oh.
Well, I think I fixed your watch.
All right.
How much do I owe you?
It's on the house.
I should have given you the spiel.
I'm actually not a licensed watch repairman.
That's my uncle.
He's not here because he set me up to be here alone for my date.
And I'm just sort of a trainee and I'm trying to fix watches kind of on their own.
And did I say uncle?
I meant brother-in-law.
I can't trust you.
I can't trust you as far as I can throw you.
I'm just, I'm all flippered about.
Someone was in here earlier, who's uncle died,
and it got my head all mixed up.
And then you time traveled, father Dan.
Yes, yes.
I have a good excuse.
Is there a reason why this spring is hanging out?
Is there anything you can do about that?
Oh, let me see.
Let me just...
Ah!
Hey, watch where you're putting your hands on that.
There it is.
It's back in.
Yeah, it's back in.
Gosh, I wish I had it coming here on any other day.
No, this is a good day.
This is a great day.
It's a terrible day.
It's stupidest day of the year.
I agree.
No!
Thanks for fixing my watch for free, jackass.
Sir, before you go, if you ever get to travel back again, here are the names of my bullies'
parents.
If you could make sure that they never meet each other or they die.
Oh, you could jump in the way of their...
Coitus.
Of their coitus, yes.
In the line of fire style.
Take the bullet from...
I have done that a couple times.
Really?
And I scream, hey, stop.
Do you know I'm local?
Do you know I'm local?
But there's a ricochets and still in pregnaes.
The person, no.
It goes through the gap in my thigh.
You're so cool, sir.
I wish I was hiding with you instead. No, that's so... You're so cool, sir.
I wish I was hiding with you instead.
No, that's no cooler than what I was talking about.
I'll be...
You look...
Just let me shoot through the gap in his thigh
to prank the people.
Oh, gosh.
Sir.
Yes?
Nothing.
Thanks for having me.
I gotta get out of here.
Oh, well, I guess I'll see you later then.
Alrighty. Y'all take it easy.
And also remember, stop.
Hammer time?
No.
Don't you know I'm local?
Oh.
Well, what a wonderful man.
I fixed his watch.
That was nice. And he can time travel again. I mean you gotta admit that's pretty good
I fixed a time traveling watch. I can't wait to tell Lisa all about this. Yeah
Yeah
What Marvin you seem hesitant. No, I just I just feel like I'm actually am learning a lot today
About how great leap day is?
No, yeah No, I actually am learning a lot today. Oh, about how great leap day is? No.
Yeah.
Now I know what you mean.
I thought leap day was this wonderful occasion,
but seems like I was wrong.
No one even cares about leap day.
["Timekeeper"]
Timekeeper! Huh? Timekeeper! Come in! Come in! Timekeeper!
Bobby, come in here!
Come in here!
Oh, there you are.
Yes, yes, in the exact spot you left me.
I didn't mention this earlier, but I've come here to thank you because today yes really was gonna be a
leap day for me literally as in leaping to my death you mean leaping before I
walked into this establishment yes by God I was ready to check out early. Oh I was ready to take a long walk off a short pier, okay?
Yes, I started to think my toaster needs a bubble bath. Oh
oh
And then I met you so when you say leap day literally
Leaping off a building was one of the options
I had a one-way ticket to Dubai, and I planned on jumping off the highest tower
in the world that they got in Dubai over there.
Burj Khalifa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the one.
Yes.
I was gonna do a red eye.
Ethan Hunt was there once.
Oh, well, even better.
I planned on jumping off that thing.
Jumping?
Well, how, or jumping, falling, sailing.
Sergio is serious.
Oh, sorry, yes.
Oh my God, I didn't notice.
There's a young child.
There's a young lad here.
This might not be the kind of talk
that young children could see.
You know, I only, you know, I like films like Simon Birch.
You know, I don't think young children.
You remind me of Simon Birch?
Don't say that.
Anyway, I figured I'd come in here,
I get the timepiece figured out because I figured,
you know, what I've read when I punch it into Google
is when you jump from that kind of height on impact,
you explode, disintegrate.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it's almost certainly lethal.
Yes.
So I figured let me get the watch worked out
just to give one little,
you know, make a little bit of a less of a hard time
for the, you know, the forensics.
Oh, to give them time of death.
Yeah, because ever since the pandemic, I go,
you know, hey, we got to support the first responders.
So I figure I give the, you know, talking about.
Oh yeah. I mean, the pandemic changed everything.
Oh, the pandemic changed everything.
We're watching Black Widow in our homes
instead of at the theater.
Oh my God. The pandemic changed everything.
It changed everything.
God.
Instead of looking at clock towers,
we're looking at our clock radios.
Isn't that insane?
Yes.
Yeah, but I was all for the, you know, I was all for...
Thank God for Operation Warp Speed.
Oh yeah, exactly.
Say what you want about Trump, but you know,
he was able to, you know, figure that out, but...
Yeah, man, but I was always all for the, you know,
clinical staff, the first of all, that out but yeah man but I was I was I was all for the you know uh
clinical staff the first of all I was out there banging pots and pans singing on the balcony so I tried I just kept missing yeah so that's that's pretty much why I game is
I was planning to yeah you were gonna so you you were wait now. I feel like you've skipped a chapter here
You were begging pots of pans during the pandemic. Yeah, singing on the balcony. Yeah, and now that was four years ago
I had a couple front-facing camera videos. I don't want to brag where I go in that feeling when
You you stand at home and you can't get a haircut. Yes. I don't know if you saw that.
It got a couple, you know, 20 likes.
I don't have a phone, you know, with videos on it and stuff.
But I, it sounds really funny.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I thought it was pretty good.
So, okay.
So you are doing this, making front-facing videos, having a typical pandemic experience,
watching, you know, Black Widow at home, instead of in the theater as it was meant to be seen,
and you know, say nothing of Wonder Woman 1984.
And so then, four years later, you're gonna kill yourself.
I guess I'm sort of missing what put you over the edge.
It wasn't the death of your uncle, it was...
No, I mean, well, yeah, I mean, obviously that was all sad.
You weren't trying to reunite with him?
Yeah, no. You weren't even close to him.
Yeah, no, no, no.
I guess I felt a little bad that I was unable to bond with him,
but yeah, it was just, you know, I just felt like, you know,
what's the point?
It's just all, you know, such a dark times, you know, et cetera.
But I got to tell you, you, me, you flipped my whole world upside down.
You made me feel like I'm going gonna wake up and smell the coffee.
That's what you're gonna-
You're gonna appreciate the time you have on this earth.
Yes.
Wake up and smell the coffee.
Not only have I heard it, I've done it.
See, you're the funny guy.
Yes, I would still sleep in a Starbucks.
Oh my God.
Really?
Yes, really.
I swear upon the tombs of the great ones. Jesus. How did that end up?
Well, I mean, I just literally I woke up and I smelled the coffee. Oh, okay. So you were so
big. Okay. I get what you're saying. Yeah. Well, anyway, you know, I'm pretty much
pretty sure I'm not going to do it now. Oh, that's great.
90, 90, I did it.
No, I did, I canceled it.
I was gonna do a red item to buy.
I think that would have got me there.
Maybe technically that wouldn't be a leap day.
It would be the next day or...
I think that, look, I guess I'd have to look
at the flight schedule, which way around the earth
you're going, all of that stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's probably won't be the same day.
Right, right, and then also.
Yeah, yes.
But anyway, I can't tell you, you know.
So you're gonna live now.
Yeah, I think, I think.
I mean, 90% that's like, most people are probably like 80%.
So. Yeah, no, I think I'm pretty
Yeah, that's good. I'm not gonna go to Dubai. I think the lesson of leap day to appreciate time the time we have on this
Smell the roses wake up smell the roses. So it's not gonna. It's not gonna be a giving a whole new meaning to leap day
Yeah, well, I guess, well, in a way, kind of this,
make it. Well, yes, it is for you.
But I meant by my standards, well, it's already a good thing.
And I have to go.
He leaps to his death and getting the watch repaired was the last thing.
Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, yes. So we're on the same page.
Yeah, we're on the same page. I get it.
I think I get it now. Leap day. I get it. I think I get it now, leap day.
I get it.
Well?
Do Marvin?
Yeah.
It's not just a stupid day.
It's a stupid day that gives grown up something
to talk about, to fill their empty lives,
for losers to love, for sweet men who wanna live
to talk about.
Incredible, thank you sir.
Well, not exactly what I, less than I hoped to impart,
but it's a start.
It's nice to see a loser like you trying to live
your best life despite your everything.
Marvin, if it were to legal.
Don't hit me sir, don't hit me sir, I would hit you.
But society frowns upon it in this decade.
Wait, who's coming in?
Maxwell?
Yes?
Maxwell.
Yes.
Come in, come in, come in.
Maxwell.
Hi.
Scott Alcumin. Yeah, from ComedyBangman. Yes, yes. I had a in as well. Hi Scott all come in yeah from comedy bangman
Yes, yes television show for about five years. I loved it. I want another one. Oh, you did really yes
Yes, all 110 of them. Yeah, I pretty much my shelf life was for that five years and then my career was over
No, I disagree. Yeah, no, but I still do podcasts and that's good
I mean, you know, it's a pivot, but to be sure, but you know,
it's one that I'm proud of. Hey, people of fans of podcasts. I guess so. I mean, who
knew where the technology was going to go? I mean, TV is kind of from your mouth. And
to the news, I would guess. Yeah. I mean, who knew we would be watching Black Widow
at home? At home. Yes. So, I mean, I hope your TV is 4k technology and streaming is disrupted everything. Oh, and yes. So, you know, it's it's your TV's 4K! Technology and streaming has disrupted everything.
Oh, and yes.
So, you know, it's a weird world out there.
Anyway, it's great to see you.
It's great to see you, Scott.
This is Tallahassee.
This is Tallahassee, where I live.
Gosh!
This is Longo Watch Repair.
Yeah, I've never been to Florida.
America's droopy dick.
Yes, yes, but we have Disney World.
Have you ever been?
No.
Okay, well, you gotta go sometime.
Yes, and Tom Petty wrote a song about someone committing suicide in this town.
Okay, well I'll have to check that one out.
Was it one of the big ones, like learning to fly?
Oh, I think it's American Girl.
American Girl is about someone committing suicide?
Oh, I think so here in Tallahassee.
Oh my God, really?
What particular lyrics? She looked out on the four, I don't know, something.
On the four what?
The freeway, and it's based on a girl
who leaped to her death in this very town.
That's very grim.
I had mypiness, remember?
I'm ashamed for singing along with it,
it's full volume.
Grimmer than Grimsburg, we say.
Grimmer than, I have another guest on my show
who loves the TV show Grim, so. Yes, we say. Grimmer than, I have another guest on my show who loves the TV show Grim.
Yes, oh I love Grim.
You love Grim too?
Oh, I love the amount of time it takes in episode.
All right, was that you?
I can't remember.
Who?
I think it was someone different, anyway.
I don't remember either.
Getting very off track, I wanted to just come in here.
I was making my way through Florida and I just,
you know, I rented a car. I have a lot of Comedy Bang Bang favorites
in the car, like Tony Bada, Gabbing Giotto.
Tony Bada, Bingiano?
Yeah, and Alfie Kangus.
Alfie Kangus.
Yeah, I mean, Zuby Kondaruni is dead.
Yes, yes.
But so he couldn't come with.
That's okay.
The only funeral I attended were no one shed a tear.
People were, he was like upside down. Tears weren't falling, they were no one shed a tear. People were like upside down.
Tears weren't falling, they were like going up to heaven.
Yes, reclaiming sadness.
Yeah, it's so strange.
I've never seen anything like that.
But in any case, I just wanted to come by
and wish you a happy birthday.
Oh, you remember, it is my birthday after all.
What?
Like all those serial killers?
Yes.
I came back.
Lisa Pizza, you're back.
Lisa Pizza, I brought pizza for everyone.
Well, it's in three dimensions, like a hot dog.
A three dimensional hot dog.
All pizzas in three dimensions usually,
but this is really good for the fourth hot dog.
I guess I flatten one on the grill
where I press it down really hard.
They can fax them to you.
They're amazing.
Oh, really?
They're absolutely delicious.
Technology.
Maxwell, this is, I didn't want to say anything,
but passing through Tallahassee,
I stopped at this pizza place, pizza.
The pizza space.
Pizza space, and I met a beautiful young woman
who became my side piece.
We are in a situation.
It's very, very complicated.
So just don't, don't, don't gulab whatever you do.
I didn't know that Tom Petty...
She blocked my number.
Hey, who the fuck are you?
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just...
That's Bobby.
He was gonna kill himself.
Oh.
I actually didn't know that Tom Petty's song was about suicide.
That's...
Oh, sorry.
That was my favorite song. No, no, it's about.
It's not triggering to you to make you reconsider.
Well, you know, he's a hero of mine,
and I guess realizing that song is about that maybe is...
Yeah, but he just died of natural causes, right?
Can you get a new shirt?
Say stop pulling at your collar, please.
He has naturally curly hair, Tom Petty.
Do you know he used to straighten it?
Beautiful.
Yeah.
What about you, Lisa?
I straighten his hair too.
Yeah, I don't wake up like this.
It looks wondrous.
Well, I'm involved with Scott now,
so that's really inappropriate.
Sorry, you better back off.
Oh, sorry, I guess I should have another date.
Scott, you left here.
She get pretty violent.
By the way, I loved your English teacher, Marvin.
I told you so. But I'm involved with Scott your English teacher, Marvin. I told you so.
I've been old with Scott now.
Yeah, so that's not going to happen.
So Marvin, you better back off as well, all right?
I'm thinking I might book another red eye.
No, no, no, no, no.
You have so much to live for.
Tom, to where?
Your siblings.
A red eye to where?
Dubai, I was going to.
You said a red eye if it takes
Tonight if I do it in the middle tonight, hey man, don't let these bullies get you down
Let me get my friend in here to beat you up. Loco, come on. Hey, Loco, come on in here.
Loco, get in here.
Hey, hey, buddy, do you want to beat this asshole?
I love to.
Oh, no, no, no, please.
I just had a new outlook on Larnes.
Oh, no.
Marvin, you don't need to get kicks and punches in, too.
Hurt people hurt people, sir.
Would you mind if I kick him briefly?
I guess.
Thanks.
I suppose I just woke up and smelled the coffee.
Maxwell.
Yes?
I do have some good news on your birthday.
I have a telegram.
Yes?
It was sent to me, care of comedy bang bang, but it's for you.
Okay.
It's, here Let me just read it
Maxwell keeper stop happy birthday stop
Bothering me. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Happy birthday stop bothering me stop. Oh, uh, Lisa Portia. Oh my ex Lisa Portia
You pronounce it Porsche Porsche
Broke up I refuse to say Porsche
Okay, you really should reconsider that.
Yes. I think she's her name.
You should be considerate and call people what they want to be called.
Haven't you always felt that way?
Yes, that's true. That's true.
It's probably too late anyway.
Yeah. Anyway, she just, I guess, so happy birthday.
There's a telegram for you.
Well, that's nice.
So it's sort of to put me in my place.
And I read it.
I read it wrong.
I thought it was happy birthday.
Stop.
Yes.
And then bothering me.
No, I get it.
I get it.
Look, I just have a thing for Lisa P's round of toilet water for the whole.
No, no, it was toilet water.
I love.
No, okay.
I'm wrong.
I am.
Wait a minute.
This is toilet water.
This is sink water that you peed in.
Oh, brother.
Oh, Marvin.
Tell you what.
Everyone, why don't we go to the nearby Fuma Cigar Bar
to celebrate Maxwell's birthday?
It's on me.
Yeah.
Well, I'm in.
You can take off from opening night of your restaurant.
Well, it was only open for half an hour.
Oh, how'd it go, by the way?
I was, I...
Well, I mean, obviously...
You left with me.
I left with you.
I think it went really well.
Your English teacher said he would close up.
Oh, he's the best.
Does he close the school up every night?
Why does he assume that responsibility?
He must just have a good skill for it.
I gotta tell you, I probably should
go to a mental health hospital and seeing
as I was almost going gonna be my death.
They're called Looney Ben.
What?
Oh, Looney Ben, yeah.
But I can't turn down a Stogie.
No, yeah, you gotta go to Fuma.
Have you loved Stogies? You gotta go to Fuma.
Loco, I didn't realize that I invited him too.
Did I say everybody?
I'll take care of it.
Hey.
Hey, yeah. Hey, hold the Yeah! I hope you're fine!
You know, for some... Don't you know I'm loco.
I hope that beating helps you want to live.
For some pain is pleasure. The Xenobites!
Okay, look Max, we'll stop talking about the Xenobites.
Okay, next time, next time. Promise me if you meet us at Fuma Bar, you're not'll stop talking about the Xenobites. Okay, next time, next time. I'll come to Xenobites.
Promise me, if you meet us at Fuma Bar,
you're not gonna be talking about them, okay?
Give me one minute to talk about the Xenobites.
Alright, 60 seconds, no more.
At Fuma, at Fuma, I'm gonna go in on Chatterer.
60 seconds, by the way.
Wonderful amount of time.
Thank you, okay, just wanted to make sure you were listening.
Your car can be gone at that amount of time.
That's true.
You wouldn't steal a car by hitting a button, would you?
I'd love to.
Okay, I know.
It's confusing, isn't it?
All right, everyone, let's go to Fuma!
Okay, I'm gonna close up here.
English teacher style.
I'll see you guys all there.
Goodbye, everyone.
Bye!
Bye.
Happy leap day, sir.
Wow.
Those were my five best friends in the entire world.
Oh, better clean up here.
Just put things away and...
Let me all fix one more watch.
Let me fix one more watch. That did it.
Goodbye.
Tiktok!
Thank you for listening to the Timekeeper Leap Day Special.
The cast was as follows.
Bobby was played by Bardia Salimi.
Marvin Glasses was played by Aaron Keefe.
Lisa Pizza was played by Claudia O'Doherty.
Loco was played by Carl Tart.
Scott Ackerman played himself.
George H.W.
Bush also played himself.
The music was composed by Adam Schatz.
This special was produced by Scott Ackerman and Brett Morris for Comedy Bang Bang World.
Fare thee well.