Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - My Ghoulish Figure
Episode Date: March 28, 2024Conan talks to Brandon from Georgetown, Ontario about investigating paranormal occurrences, the scariest destinations, and Conan’s unique haunting style. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit... here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan
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Okay, let's get started.
Hey Brandon, meet Conan and Sona.
Oh, David, Sona and Jane Lynch.
I love what you're doing with your hair.
Yay!
Nice.
Fan bringing it in hot.
That was some high heat you just threw.
That came over the plate at 98 miles per hour.
And a bit of a, almost a swing and a miss.
No, no, no.
Brandon, very nice to meet you.
And I understand you're a fan of the podcast.
Thanks so much for contacting us.
And-
No problem.
Curious, where are you calling us from?
Where are you contacting us from?
So I am from Georgetown, Ontario.
It's about 45 minutes outside of Toronto.
Oh, beautiful.
A little more west.
Love it.
Love it there.
Love Canada, love Toronto, love Vancouver.
Wonderful place.
And of course, I'll give it up again, Canada, home to all the great comedic minds, in my
opinion.
So you have a lot to be proud of.
And Brandon, tell us a little bit about yourself.
So, by day, help manage a pizza shop here in town.
And by night, I'm-
Whenever someone says by day, I'm scared.
Because it could mean murder.
You know what I mean?
Most serial killers say by day, I do this, and then, but well, they actually, they don't
say that at all. I was going to say, you think they just confess at the end? No, that's- Like he's going to say, I mean? Most serial killers say by day I do this, and then, well actually they don't say that at all.
I was gonna say, you think they just confess at the end?
Like he's gonna say I murder, I do some murdering?
I do some murdering?
I'm anxious for the second part,
so by day you manage a pizza place.
Yes sir, and then by night, I'm a paranormal investigator.
Paranormal investigator.
So paranormal investigator meaning you are searching for clues, signs,
or to make contact with ghosts. Is that correct?
Ghost spirits going into haunted locations, doing full-on investigations, using equipment
and cameras and everything to try and see if we can end up getting some kind of proof
of the paranormal, I guess you can say.
Sure, because you're a paranormal investigator. Yes.
Let me ask you a quick question.
Yes, makes sense. Yeah.
I said ghost, but I prefer the term, although I think it's archaic ghoul.
Does anyone use the term ghoul anymore? I just love ghoul.
Do you try and work that out?
Just Jordan Slansky. He's the only one who uses it.
I love ghouls. I love ghouls. So is there a difference between a ghost and a spirit,
or is there no real difference?
And not really, I mean, like I usually like to use the term
spirit because the way I think about it,
it's like where it's the passed on version
of what a living human person was,
and like everybody's got their own spirit,
they got their own soul, they got their own personality,
and I think it's just a way
that it ended up transferring over to the afterlife.
So I like to use the word spirit instead of just a ghost.
I think ghosts is kind of two little gimmickies.
The two I like, as I said, are ghoul and specter.
I like specter.
Hello, you still living in the world?
Hello, Brandon, did you go anywhere?
Brandon, Brandon, hello, hello, is this thing on?
You would be really bad as a paranormal investigator.
No, I would say, I would-
Because you'd be like, guys,
what are we gonna call them, guys?
Keep me doing beds?
No, I would never spend any time looking at the equipment.
All I'd be saying is, we've gotta find a ghoul or a specter.
That's all I do all the time.
Oh my God.
But it is very hard for us to see, like it's very rare for us to see something in person with our own eyes
I don't understand why that is
that's why
infrared cameras and
Film photography cameras ends up coming into play because somehow it shows up a little easier that way
Yeah, I'm just curious.
Do you go on this mission alone, or do you work with a team?
Oh, hell no.
Hell no.
I'm not that brave.
No, I actually got a team of about 10 people
that I have with me.
Yeah.
I've got, well, the thing is that we have a YouTube channel
that we post some of our evidence
if it's a good enough investigation onto.
So I got like a whole like team that's with me.
So who's in the team?
Yeah, so there's myself.
So my co creator, her name is Ashley.
I consult with her on things before I go into investigations, but she can't do things in person
because she had a really hard time
rebounding from investigations.
Wait a minute.
So Ashley was on your team, she's partner,
and then she kind of had to step back,
she still consults, but you're saying something happened
on an investigation that made her have to step out?
She's very sensitive to whatever's going on there
and she's, I've asked her like, how long does it take for you to recover from an investigation? She said up to two weeks. She's very sensitive to whatever's going on there.
I've asked her, how long does it take for you to recover from an investigation?
She said up to two weeks.
What?
Wow.
What?
Because she's just so physically drained.
Can I tell you something, Brandon?
Yep.
I hear from many of my employees that after contact with me, they need two weeks away from
work paid to recover.
That's a common thing that I hear.
And I've often been described as having
a spectral color to my face.
A ghoulish.
Ghoulish appearance.
Yes.
I would say so.
Yeah, thank you.
And he's an expert.
He's an expert.
Yeah, I'm a guy that likes to watch his ghoulish figure.
And so what I'm saying-
I can't be here anymore.
That's gonna take more than two weeks. You owe everybody an
apology.
That's an old monster's joke. Shout out to the monsters. That's a great Fred Gwynn.
Yeah.
Anyway, my point is you've got Ashley. I hope she gets better soon. I'm sorry that she had
a bad experience, but that's a rough gig talking to you.
It is. It is. It's not for the faint of heart.
Do you have uniforms?
Yeah, do you have uniforms like the Ghostbusters?
Yeah, that's all we have.
No, we don't have uniform.
Well, I mean, like dressed black for the most part,
just for aesthetic, I guess.
But then it's funny because my mom, who kind of got me
a little bit into this stuff, came into the fold
to help replace Ashley as an investigator.
Wait. I'm sorry. My mom is part of this. Your mom is part of your Ghostbusting team? came into the fold to help replace Ashley as an investigator.
Wait, I'm sorry, Brandon.
So my mother's part of this.
Your mom is part of your ghost busting team?
Yes.
That's cool, I like that.
I was gonna, you know.
Family business.
Family business.
Your mom, is she very intrepid?
Is she very brave?
Well, she's had to put up with me for about 30 years,
so I would say so.
Right.
But I mean, there's some people who would be afraid to go,
well, let's cut to the chase.
You've got a crack team here
and you've got your equipment.
Not sure what that is.
You said you've various cameras.
Do you have any kind of electronic equipment
that tells you, you know, if there's a special?
Whoa.
Oh, that's just a small suitcase.
That's just a small suitcase. That's just a small suitcase.
It just means that you have plenty of room
in the overhead compartment.
Yeah, no, I actually have like a piece of equipment here
that actually measures like EMS, electromagnetic fields.
Oh, okay, got it.
Yeah, so-
Can you hold it up to David and just hold it up, David,
put your face near the camera.
Yeah.
Oh my God, that thing's off the charts.
Whoa.
David, you do seem like you're a little boy
who lived about 200 years ago
and died when he ate a peanut.
That he was allergic.
Aw, he does have a bad personality.
You know what, he looks good for his age if that's the case.
Yeah, well he's preserved, he'll never age.
He'll be a boy forever.
You're right, cryogenics of those wonders.
So, you've got your electronic equipment
and where do you go to find these, at the risk
of repeating myself, ghouls and specters?
Yeah, so a lot of research goes into it.
We go through online, we look at news articles throughout the province of Ontario, see if
they have had any news stories on places that have had activity.
And then also just a lot of going to the town,
going through their library. Sometimes they have resources for old historical buildings. And we
just kind of take a stab at that. But Brandon, Brandon, let me ask you, and I, you know, I'm
just trying to drill down here. You say you're looking for evidence and they've had some kind
of occurrence, but what would that mean?
What'd it mean?
Window panes rattling for no reason,
toilets flushing on their own.
Do you know what I mean?
What would it mean?
So people have to have sightings of apparitions.
They would have to have- Apparitions,
that's another good one.
I love apparitions.
Yeah.
Oh, how rewarding.
They would have different poltergeist activity
where things are moving on their own.
Voices or sounds being heard
when they're the only ones in the room
and there's no reason for that happening.
Well, that's often means that you're insane,
that you're having a, you know.
To most, to most.
And who knows, maybe I am a little bit.
No, no, not you, but I'm saying if you're by yourself
and you hear voices, sometimes then
that's when they medicate you.
I've had periods like that,
and then the medication set in.
Or it might be the ghosts.
Well, I prefer ghouls, apparitions, inspectors.
Oh God.
We're adding to the list.
Oh God, okay.
For the most part, with our field,
it's definitely the ghouls, inspectors, with my expertise.
I'm not qualified enough to end up doing the medicated areas.
What is the scariest thing you've seen that you've witnessed yourself, Brandon?
Cool.
The scariest thing I have seen.
So the scariest event that I've had happen
was at a location just outside of Niagara Falls.
It is called the Screaming Tunnel.
The Screaming Tunnel, I'm writing this down.
Why?
Just to look like I'm part of the investigation.
So there's a place outside Niagara Falls
called the Screaming Tunnel.
Yeah, so very long story, but the long and short of it is
father ended up, legend says a father did very unthinkable
things to his daughter, ended up murdering her in the tunnel
and basically set her on fire.
So apparently if you go in that night, you light a match
and you're supposed to hear the scream of the girl and the light
goes out, the match goes out.
By the way, this story's a bit of a buzzkill.
I mean, it's real dark.
It's dark.
Well, ghost stories are cheery and happy.
When an old man's head gets chopped off, it's funny.
Anything that happens to a kid is not funny.
But like if an old man who's kind of a dick anyway,
gets his head lopped off, I'm laughing.
And I'll go see that.
You're laughing.
Yeah.
And unfortunately, this is the life I chose.
You know, and also we can't choose the crimes.
This terrible thing happened.
The match goes out and then that's what?
How do you get out of the tunnel once the match goes out?
Well, most people end up running out, but not us.
Oh.
We tried the match experiment.
We didn't hear the scream.
It went out, but that could have been a draft or something.
Is it ever the scream?
Does the scream ever occur
because you've held the match too long?
And the person get a little hot in there.
Yeah, no, that hasn't happened.
But did end up hearing multiple voices
from within the tunnel when we didn't see anybody there,
but they were actually inching closer to us
to the point where me and my partner Ashley had to run.
No, yeah.
Like we had no idea what was happening.
Hard pass, hard pass.
And you're certain you think that those voices
were not other people in the tunnel? Those voices were?
100%, because we ended up having somebody
on each end of the tunnel that were actually
kind of watching and making sure nobody was trying
to fiddle around with any kind of evidence
we may have been getting or anything like that.
Could you hear what the voices were saying?
No, it was just like a, it was very mumbled
and it was all jumbled up.
Is it possible that if you listen to the tapes, you'd hear,
Enough with the matches, enough with the matches, it's getting smoky in here.
I'm suffocating.
Yeah.
Everybody comes with matches.
And by the way, we prefer ghouls.
Oh, god.
I'm saying.
No, we didn't end up getting any of that.
We did end up getting a spirit telling
one of my other investigators to get out on a voice recorder,
but we didn't hear with our own ears.
No.
It was only on playback.
Why do ghosts always say get out?
Because they'll kill you.
No, but how come no ghosts?
It's because of the matches.
I mean, when I'm a ghost and I will be a ghoul at one point.
You will, you're gonna haunt everybody.
No, but my thing is gonna be like, come on in, let's talk.
I love to gab.
That's scary.
Though you have to realize that that is a scary thing
for you to do.
Oh, because people don't like talking to me?
Also stop showing your show.
No, that's a scary thing for other people to do.
This is really riling me up,
because this is scary.
I believe in this stuff, and this is freaking me out.
Okay, have you learned anything?
Do you ever feel compassion for these, I don't know,
apparitions, specter's ghouls?
Do you ever feel, I'm gonna say it as many times,
say again, hey, if you're listening, count.
The winner gets nothing.
Have you had any, yeah, go ahead.
You're putting your hand up to stop me.
You've had these countless.
I'm counting, I got to count, that's five.
No, no, no, since this interview started, you're insane.
I've gotten many more than that.
Ghouls, apparitions, vectors, anyway.
It's a drinking game now.
So, have you ever had compassion
for one of these necromantic citizens of the
other realm?
I wouldn't say, I wouldn't say compassion.
What I will say is I have more, more of a under more of a comfort, I would say for when
I pass away to at least have the idea that maybe there is something else that we go to
after the physical life.
So like we're not, our energy, our spirit
and everything is not dead.
It's just a physical machine that's operating
our skin vessel as Ashley would end up calling it.
I had a girlfriend once that called me a skin vessel.
Oh, man.
And not as a compliment.
Brandon.
Yep.
I don't know, myself, I'm not sure
I need there to be another realm.
This is gonna get a little heavy,
but I don't wanna just be hanging around in caves,
you know, waiting for people to light a match,
or I don't wanna be roaming around an old motel,
bothering people, or rattling teacups.
I might be okay with the concept of just,
like, this madness won't stop.
So what I'm hearing is Conan would rather be
a shit-disturber in life, but not really in death.
Yes.
Yes!
What I'm saying is, I think I've haunted many people,
and continue to, in my lifetime, in my lifespan.
And the idea that that would stop is maybe okay,
not just for me, but maybe for the world.
I think so.
I think we'd be fine with you just leaving.
You're happy with my death.
You know what, just die.
We're good.
We're good.
Eventually the truth will come out, so now.
Yeah, it took nothing for you to say that.
No, she's fine with it.
Oh no.
She's my most honest friend I have.
But Brandon, this is interesting work that you've chosen.
Now I want to get back to the first thing you told us,
which is by day you manage a pizza shop.
Are there ever moments where your skills as a manager
of a pizza shop come into play when you're dealing
with ghouls, apparitions, and specters?
When I see a past coworker that haunted me while working
there that comes in, there's that where I have a flashback experience.
Right.
But in terms of my actual workings within the shop,
no, not yet.
I will tell you this, if I do pass into the spirit realm,
the realm of ghouls, apparitions, inspectors,
I do, count them all up from the beginning,
I will, the one thing that will lure me
will not be lit matches or a rattled cup
or someone holding a seance.
A really good pizza marinara would lure me, thin crust.
That would lure me to any location.
And so I'm wondering why spirits aren't attracted
to just amazing foods and a glass of Pinot Noir.
Maybe like an Oregon Pinot.
Could they smell it?
I think they should be.
Yeah, but I would just like to be around it, you know?
And then maybe I could become part of the pizza.
What?
I love pizza that much.
You want people to eat you as a pizza?
Yeah, that's right.
Wait, what?
Why'd you say it like that?
I don't know, I thought it could be sexual,
but I don't think it is.
Anyway, Brandon. Anyway, Brandon, Brandon.
Oh, what's the special sauce, Conan?
Brandon, do you have a question?
Do you have a question for us?
Let's not encourage my perversions,
but that is my kink that I one day become a spirit pizza.
And that...
So Brandon, back to that question you had for Conan.
That's my kink, ladies.
Yeah. Oh, God.
I'm gonna become a pizza pie.
Well, my question for Conan is...
Let's bring him out of the oven. There he is, ladies. Yeah. Oh, God. It'll become a pizza pie. Well, my question to Conan is- Let's bring him out of the oven.
There he is, still steaming.
When he passes out, all greasy.
So when you pass away-
Mm-hmm.
And we hope it's not for a long, long time.
Yes.
We hope, Sona, we hope.
I know, I'm saying when he dies, I just want him to die.
You don't want him to haunt you.
That's a Hallmark card they haven't made yet. When you die, I just want him to die. You don't want him to haunt you. That's a Hallmark card they haven't made yet.
When you die, I just want you to die.
And then there's a $5 bill in there.
You're a grandmother.
What's, what you got there?
What's your question there?
Bingo, I'm gonna call you Bingo, Brandon,
for no reason at all.
Oh my God.
I'll take that.
So my question is, when you do end up passing on,
you go on to the other life and you, obviously you have your kids,
hopefully your kids outlive you,
but if you, when you pass away.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you talking about?
Yes, I want my children to live
for hundreds of years after me.
That's not the question.
But what different antics would you end up pulling
on your loved ones as a ghost,
but making it unique enough
where they absolutely know that it's you?
Oh, they're gonna know it's me.
I mean, my bits are just classic Conan material,
and that's a trademarked phrase, by the way, classic Conan.
So I just know that they're gonna know,
I'm gonna be a very obvious ghost.
I'm not gonna do subtle stuff, right?
I'm trying to think of what,
like if you took a remote control
and it just suddenly was in the place
of where your mouth would be,
then I could hear you going,
hey, I'm remote control mustache guy.
Yeah, exactly, that's a good bit.
And I'd be like, that's Conan, he's haunting me.
That's not a good bit though, that's not that funny.
You're gonna knock your bun out for sure.
Yeah, oh, you know what I would do?
Yes!
I love to, sometimes I see Sona
and she's got her beautiful hair,
beautiful hair that's all piled up together into a bun.
Maybe seen a brush or a comb sometime in the last year or so.
Oh wow, okay.
Anyway, what I like to do is I like to take a swat
at that bun and it explodes and the whole bun comes apart
and it's funny to me.
Or if I'm eating something and it suddenly just flies
out of my hand, I'll be like, Conan's here.
That's what I was thinking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My favorite thing is when she's really enjoying a donut
and she holds it out a little too far from her face.
I can sometimes swat it and it goes flying across the room
and everyone in the room, this is the environment
where we work, everyone laughs.
Yeah, I know.
You did it with her popcorn right when she walked in here.
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.
No, you did, you definitely did.
That could have been a spirit, or a ghoul, or a specter.
We saw you do it.
Or an apparition.
No.
Well, that's what I would do, I'd do those kind of antics,
and I wouldn't be subtle.
I don't like subtle ghosts.
No.
You know what I mean?
You gotta play to the back row when you're a ghost.
Or a ghoul.
Gotta be in your face.
Or an apparition, or a specter.
I'm telling you again, folks,
listen to the very beginning,
count up all mentions of ghoul apparition inspector.
Give us the total and you'll win nothing.
Brandon, it's been a delight talking to you.
And give my best to your mom.
It's been an absolutely long talk.
Tell Ashley I hope she recovers soon.
And yeah, I just wish you well
in your journeys and your adventures.
And I hope you crack this case.
I hope you find us a real ghoul or apparition respect.
I hope so too.
And if you're ever in the area,
I would love to end up getting you and Sona
on an investigation with us.
Very nice.
I'm busy.
I'll be busy that day. She's scared.
She's scared, but you know what?
I am very scared.
But you know what?
I don't know what fear is, so I'll see you there.
Conan's gonna go do bits for the girl in the tunnel.
Yeah.
Hey little girl!
Aw!
Look at this bit.
All right, thank you very much Brandon, take care.
Thanks Brandon. Thank you, bye bye guys.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
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