Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Tiffany Haddish Returns
Episode Date: May 6, 2024Actress and comedian Tiffany Haddish feels exuberated about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Tiffany sits down with Conan once again to discuss her new memoir I Curse You With Joy, her surprisingly ...scandalous association with the movie Face/Off, working background on every show imaginable, re-investing in South Central LA properties, and more. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.
Transcript
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Hi, my name is Tiffany Haddish.
And I feel exuberated about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
I feel exuberated now too.
Fall is here, hear the yell.
Back to school, ring the bell.
Brand new shoes, walk and lose. Climb the fence, books and pens. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast.
Well, that gives and gives and gives.
Sitting here with Sonamuf Sessian, hey, Sona.
Hi.
And of course, Matt Gorley.
What's up, juicer?
Well, I'll tell you something.
I am the juicer.
Yeah.
Just put an orange in me and you will get that sweet, sweet,
sweet nectar of the gods.
I am very happy.
I'm feeling in a good mood these days.
You know, I just saw Eduardo putting the mics in.
He was connecting them before we got started.
You know how reporters have like a little thing
on their mic that says, little signage?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Little NPR thing.
Yeah, and I was thinking, would we ever have that?
Would we ever have a little,
Conan O'Brien needs a friend signage?
And then I started thinking,
like, no, around the little microphone part,
but then, follow this, I started thinking,
why does it have to be that?
Wouldn't it be cool if it said NASA?
Oh, now we're talking.
Do you know what I mean?
I like this.
Like, there's no reason, first of all, NASA may complain,
but I don't think they're gonna want that lawsuit.
Should we also just dress in white sleeve button-ups
with black ties?
Yes.
Can we talk about science?
No, that's the best part.
We still talk the same old gibberish and bullshit
that we always talk, but we're wearing white coats
and it says NASA, but we're just talking.
And all three of us get flat tops.
I'll get a buzz cut.
Yeah, I will too. You just want the look.
You're not saying anything about, there's-
No, but I think it'd just be a cool look online
and people would see it and there'd be a moment of,
I should probably pay attention, it's NASA.
Because I grew up with a real reverence for NASA.
You probably did too.
It's NASA.
I didn't.
I remembered my...
Well, you don't believe in space, do you?
I don't think space even exists.
Yeah, you're a flat earther.
I, you think the world ends at Glendale.
Why Glendale?
There's just a drop.
While we're talking, can you just bring up some video
of like a rocket trajectory or something?
Yes, and I'm not kidding.
I would say-
Something with telemetry.
I would say, here's what I'm thinking.
Guys, follow me on this.
Little signage here that says NASA.
We dress as if we're talking about real things.
Behind us, there's that big flattened out globe
that has a curved telemetry of reentry.
And people are gonna stop and they're gonna think,
I gotta check this out.
It's important.
Yeah, and then it's gonna be us,
you know, Sona dishing on some celebrity
that she used the bathroom just after, you know?
Do you know what I mean?
Those kinds of stories that you tell, they're awful.
But you're making it seem as though people are, like,
flipping through channels where they can see us.
This is an audio medium.
And then also on YouTube, like, people specifically click on us.
Oh, look. Look behind us. This is great.
Sohn, I understand you used a bathroom recently
just after Wink Martindale had been in it.
Whoa. Yeah, Wink Martindale.
Well, I'm sorry. Yeah, of all the celebrities.
Oh, I'm sorry. You're probably all the celebrities. Oh, I'm sorry.
You're probably gonna want some new reference,
like Ghost Killer McGee.
Oh look, we're getting a blast off right now.
This is exactly what NASA would be watching.
This is so cool.
That's great.
A YouTube video.
You know what I love?
I love-
We could just probably search NASA.
Let me describe for the audio audience,
imagine that we're wearing white coats.
A shuttle has just launched.
I think I'm onto something where, yes,
people seem to enjoy our brand of foolishness.
Podcast is doing very well.
It's a big podcast, but we do little things like that
every now and then.
And why not?
It just changes it up.
Yeah, I think it's totally fine
to impersonate government employees.
Totally cool to do that.
No, no, what?
You know, we have to take this off
because Matt is just watching the solid booster rocket
separate. This is amazing.
You better take it off, Eduardo.
It's a child watching Bluey.
Yeah.
Could you put on like James Bond?
No, nothing more.
Nothing more, nothing more.
We have such a 60s version of what NASA people look like.
We should have white cut, white with a tie.
Have you watched them recently?
They're all tatted up.
Yeah, they're cool.
Hey, you know what?
I mean, I've said that before, but.
Now I think it's all SpaceX and stuff.
What is NASA up to these days?
The minute when they said,
we're going to the moon again, I thought, huh?
They're roving.
They're doing the rovers.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Blay is all excited because he has something
he wants to say.
He has an erection.
Well, solid rocket booster ignition.
All right.
They just, actually something cool is they just recontacted Voyager 1.
It was sending gobbledygook and then they fixed it and now it's sending back.
I had an uncle like that.
I had an uncle like that.
He was speaking complete gibberish. We wrote him off and then he came around and he started talking sensibly again. So uncle like that. I had an uncle like that. He was speaking complete gibberish.
We wrote him off and then he came around
and he started talking sensibly again.
So they did that.
And it's the fur...
Turned out it was too much zinc in his pudding.
It's the furthest manmade object.
It's the farthest thing we've ever,
humans have ever sent
What? billions of miles away.
I'm glad you're not a spokesperson.
Can you imagine Blay as a spokesperson for NASA?
Okay, today we just sent the farthest. I mean, it're not a spokesperson. Yeah. Can you imagine Blay as a spokesperson for NASA? Oh, yeah.
Okay, today we just sent the farthest.
I mean, it's such a far.
You wouldn't know it's a thing that goes out, but it's a...
Sir, can you tell us, please, be specific?
It was sending us gobbledygook.
It was sending us gobbledygook, and now I'm explaining it in gobbledygook.
Yeah, this Voyager 1 was just sending us a lot of BS, but now it's way, way out there.
It's really groovy.
Anyway, I thought by invoking NASA, we could assume sort of more of a serious mantle.
Maybe people would take us a little more seriously and it would make the comedy really pop.
I think that would only work if we just stopped talking.
What?
Like if we just didn't talk and just sat here looking like NASA, because the moment we do talk,
it is just a lot of poopoo pee pee.
Give it a shot, try to talk like NASA.
Yeah, yeah, let's hear that, Sona.
Let's hear you do your NASA talk, go ahead.
Okay.
Hey, listen, we're cutting away to NASA now to hear what's-
Do you want a prop?
Can I have your pen?
What am I gonna do with that?
That looks technical, that's true.
And we're cutting away to rocket propulsion specialist,
Dr. Sona Movesesyan.
Thank you, Mr. O'Brien.
We just want to make sure the trajectory of our re-entry
is penetrating the atmosphere at just the right thrust.
And we have orbits that are-
We do.
How many orbits do we have?
We have a couple.
Yeah, we have two orbits.
You're talking about the occipital orbits
that hold the eye jelly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have.
We have that.
We did the orbit and then there's a dwarf planet
that is Pluto.
We call them little person planets now.
But it's not even, you know.
I don't know if you got the memo.
Is it even a planet anymore?
That's what our research is based on.
No, it's still a planet.
It's still a person.
No, it's not a planet.
Listen.
It's not a planet anymore. What isn't Pluto? Pluto's not a planet anymore it's still a person. Listen. It's not a planet anymore. What isn't?
Pluto.
Pluto's not a planet anymore.
OK, I could care less.
Well, you're at your work at NASA.
We thought we were doing a whole NASA thing.
No, you're at NASA.
I'm still celebrity obsessed Conan O'Brien
with the latest on Ghostface Killer.
Oh, boy.
Because I've got to do a hard rap.
That's a hard rap because no one knows what's going on
out there more than me.
I know about rap with Ghostface Killer.
What was he in?
Wu-Tang.
That's right, Wu-Tang in the house!
I'm gonna go with more believable Sona Nasa
than you rap guy.
Yeah, I'm better at impersonating Nasa
than you are at pretending to know pop culture stuff.
Ridiculous. I just came back from a vanilla ice concert.
Oh!
Yeah, okay.
Where I was there with Ghostface Killer.
You were with him, he was just with you?
What's that?
You were like in the audience together?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
I sat on his shoulders.
And that's the sports guy.
What's that?
Yes.
Someone's got the ball and they're not giving it back.
Get ready for some hot action as these men put on tight shoes
and run around getting grins from the people.
This is the worst opening ever.
I'm writing down worst opening ever.
You know what's good?
You know what I think is the good thing
about a terrible opening?
A terrible opening means we'll never go this low again.
And now we can, you know, when you touch the bottom
of the pool and you push back up again, you okay, Sona?
What's the matter?
He put so much effort into it.
And then he stopped.
He went into a, like a sugar crash.
I also like, can I say one thing?
Long after, minutes after we turned off the screen
that was showing the NASA footage, I swear to God,
I'll do an impression, Gourley wasn't talking,
but was still looking at this blank screen,
waiting for something else to come.
I just, I'm just elsewhere.
Yes.
You're elsewhere in the best way.
Anywhere but here.
I'm actually crying.
You are crying. Oh my God. Donwhere but here. I'm actually crying.
You are crying.
Oh my God.
Don't be sad, it's all fine.
Now you can go home to Altadena now,
just don't drive too far or
ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Off the face of the earth.
Peace out.
All right, my guest today.
My guest today is an Emmy award winning actress and comedian
who has starred in such movies as
Girls Trip
and Haunted Mansion.
Now she has a new memoir titled I Curse You With Joy.
That's a great title.
I Curse You With Joy.
Very excited she's here with us today.
I'm a huge fan.
Tiffany Haddish, welcome.
You have a problem with my skin. You walked in the door. First of all. Tiffany Haddish, welcome. -♪
You have a problem with my skin.
You walked in the door.
Like, I don't have a problem.
First of all, first of all,
I don't have a problem with your skin, okay?
I love your skin color.
You are multicolored, okay?
It's beautiful, beautiful colors.
You are the color of every human on this planet.
Okay? You got all the colors.
I'm just concerned about how dry your skin is. It looks like I could scratch the side of your hand
and skin would just flake off.
Yeah.
And that tells me you don't have lotion in your bathroom.
No, we don't have lotion.
You need moisturizer, man.
And my wife moisturizes all the time and I won't do it.
It's just not in my nature to moisturize.
I've got like chicken claws right here.
I bet when you touch her, it feels like just a cat's tongue
all over her body.
Oh!
Oh, it does.
Tiffany, Tiffany, it's been so long that I can't remember.
No, she keeps me away because every now and then,
I'm feeling a little randy.
And I'm like, hey, Liza.
And I put up these claws, and it's over.
Right? She's like, don't touch me.
Yeah, don't touch me.
You put the soap right there next to this faucet,
and right next to that soap, there should be some hand
lotion.
So you wash your hands and a little bit of hand lotion,
and then that way, you'll be moisturized
and she'll want you to touch her.
OK.
I think I was going to say, it's a lot more than looks.
Tiffany, there are other barriers too.
And with all these multi-colors of skin that you have,
you need to preserve it as best as possible.
You are the United Colors of Venice.
You are every human, bro.
You know what's so funny?
We did a travel show and I went to Haiti.
Remember this?
I went to Haiti and all these beautiful children in Haiti
and afterwards, they would have been like about,
I don't know, 10, 11,
and I was wearing a short sleeve shirt
and afterwards they gather around
and they're all looking at my arm, all the freckles.
And they were looking at me and they looked up at me like,
are you going to be okay?
They probably were amazed like,
he's a kaleidoscope of colors, he's everything.
He's so many things.
How are you by the way?
I'm pretty damn good.
I'm really happy.
Yeah, I'm great.
You look beautiful.
Thank you.
I washed today and moisturized and put on some paint.
I painted myself for you today.
Well, I did not moisturize as you can tell.
I try to be cute for you, man.
You're my friend.
Oh, thank you so much.
Even though you don't call me or come to any of my events,
and I don't have your phone number, but it's cool.
Well, I do call.
Not me.
Your people told me to stop calling.
You haven't called me, though.
No, well, you're hard to get to.
But I thought I gave you my number the last time I saw you.
I don't think you did.
You did not give me digits, because I always text with people don't think you did. You did not give me digits,
because I always text with people that give me digits.
And you did not give me digits. And I think you started to.
And then you saw a pile of dry skin around my feet.
And then it was five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five.
Which is way too many. So much to talk about.
First of all, I want to congratulate you on your book,
I Curse You With Joy. How I want to congratulate you on your book,
I Curse You With Joy.
How long have you been working on this book for?
I've been working on the book for about, well, seriously.
It's your life, so you could say it's-
Yeah, I've been working on it for 44 years.
But actually working on the book,
actively working on it, it's been three years.
Some people write a book and you think,
okay, some stuff's happened in their life.
You write a book and I feel like everything's happened in your life. No, not everything
I haven't like money hasn't been like dropped upon me like raining
Okay, well that's hundreds of dollars
Like I haven't like swam like Scrooge McDuck
Okay, that's coming.
That's coming.
That's the goal.
But I love that you said,
I wanna be bathed in hundreds of dollars.
You gotta aim higher than hundreds of dollars.
I mean, we could do that today.
Hundreds, like, yeah.
Blake, go out, get $300.
I'll be right back.
In one dollar bills.
Make it rain.
Make it rain.
But I mean,
there's obviously some dark stuff.
There's so much funny stuff in your book.
It really is a testament to like, you're here,
you are so funny and it's kind of a gift
that you're letting people see how you got to this point.
Yeah, well, you know, I feel like there's no manual
on how to be a star, right?
Which I wish there was, like a proper etiquette on how to do interviews, proper etiquette on how to be a star, right? Which I wish there was, like a proper etiquette
on how to do interviews, proper etiquette
on how to behave at award shows,
or how to behave at this thing or that event.
Like there's no rule book, so it's like,
okay, I'm just gonna be me.
And this is my way of saying,
these are the ups and downs of what I've experienced,
and I've learned some valuable lessons,
and some of them were hard, but here's the funny in it.
Like here's the joy in it.
You proved this thing that I've always thought about,
which is if you have a certain ability,
it's going to hit you one way or the other,
no matter what you're immersed in.
I didn't know that you were a Jehovah's witness.
I wasn't baptized.
I wasn't actually, but I was around it.
You were around it.
I wasn't inducted.
I didn't have like a blood card or nothing,
but definitely there.
Well, as someone with a blood card, I can tell you,
but you had to- You have a blood card?
No, I don't. I stole it.
I get a lot of blood cards.
I just take them.
But you were around it,
and there's a performance aspect
to being a Jehovah's Witness, right?
And that, you were doing that and thinking, I a Jehovah's Witness, right?
And that, you were doing that and thinking,
I like this part of it, right?
Yeah.
And then you started to say,
oh, there's another way to do this.
There's another application, it's called Comedy Club.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, and so the nickel drops for you there.
You took that experience and said, wait a minute,
I really love this part of it.
So you knew from a fairly early age,
I like being in front of people.
I love being in front of people.
I love making them laugh.
I love sharing information that it could be true,
it could not be true, I'm not sure,
but they're enjoying it.
Like bringing people joy is like my favorite thing
in the world.
Even like if I'm walking down the street
and I see somebody coming, you know, you see them
and they're like got that sour face
and they look like they're having the most horrible day.
I'll smile at them like super big
and they're like, they kind of like smirk back.
And then it's so funny
cause you can hear them like 10 steps later like,
was that Tiffany Haddish?
Like, that's really nice.
And then like change their mood, you know?
I just, I love being able to do that in a positive way.
That's really, I mean, I smile like that at strangers
and they get creeped out.
Yeah, well.
Always have.
You're a giant, so.
I know, that's my, you know, you mentioned
there's so much to talk about,
I'm gonna jump all over the map, but I love,
I've always been a little obsessed with the movie Face Off,
and recently I watched it again and we showed it to my son,
and he was like, oh my God, this is,
Face Off,
Nicolas Cage, John Travolta.
You have in your book this insane story
and you have a very intimate connection
to the movie Face Off.
Yes, yes, my first orgasm.
Oh.
Oh.
Because of the movie or just-
Not because of the, it's circumstantial.
You know how like sometimes you're hooking up with somebody
and that's in the back, like a movie's in the background?
FaceUp is always on.
It's not.
Wait, were you, so it was on TV?
No, it was in a movie theater.
Oh, for Christ's sake.
It was in a movie theater.
You broke Conan.
You're in the theater, okay.
I'm in the theater.
And it was barely anybody there. It was the last show of the night and it was like nobody in there. And me, and I'm in the theater. And it was barely anybody there.
It was the last show of the night,
and it was like nobody in there.
And me, and I was on a date,
and me and this guy were at the back of the theater.
And we're making out and stuff.
And then he starts feeling around,
a little fiddly diddly dee, you know?
A little fiddly-
Fiddly diddly dee.
A little fiddly diddly dee.
Fiddly diddly dee.
If you kids out there are listening,
that's a little nursery rhyme for ya.
And now I should like to perform fiddly-diddly-dee on you.
So, OK, and then?
And you know, I'm enjoying it, eyes closed.
And then I'm feeling this like crazy sensation
through my body.
And I open my eyes.
And it's like Nicolas Cage eyes is looking into my eyes.
Yes, like this.
Like, uh.
And I'm like, uh.
And whoa.
So you have your first orgasm
and you're looking at a giant Nicolas Cage face.
That's complicated.
Yes, and eyeballs.
The most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
But it's actually John Travolta who you're looking at.
That's the weird thing, right?
OK, don't take us down that.
I'm just saying.
No, no.
Not in that part of the movie.
Jesus Christ.
Just going by the film, which I think is important.
Yeah, sure. That's what we're all focusing on right now. OK, okay. Jesus Christ. Just going by the film, which I think is important. Yeah, sure. That's what we're all focusing on right now.
It's important.
Maybe it's John Travolta's face and it's Nicolas Cage's.
Whatever it was, it was his.
It's definitely his eyeballs.
I have got to get us out of this side alley
and back onto the highway.
Cut to many years later, okay, many, many years later,
shooting a movie with Nicolas Cage.
Oh, my God.
And it's during pandemic,
and so he's wearing his mask,
and all I'm seeing is those eyes.
Okay, and I know my lines, I know my stuff,
but I am so, like, my brain is going back to that moment.
Sure.
Like, I'm remembering all of that moment,
and I need to be focused on right now.
And I was having the hardest time focusing on right now
because my, like, it's the, like, oh, man, those are the eyes.
Those are the eyes we saw.
And it's like, stop it, body. Stop it, mind.
Like, focus on this.
They're paying us millions of dollars to be here right now.
And I'm, like, having the hardest time.
And then I just had to tell him.
And I felt like...
You told him.
I was like, this is probably the most inappropriate thing.
Like it was no way for me to like,
like I couldn't function.
I couldn't communicate.
I couldn't do my job.
And I was just like, yo, I gotta tell you something.
It's very inappropriate.
I probably shouldn't tell you at all,
but I'm not gonna be able to do my job if I don't tell you.
And you might be offended by it.
I don't know, but I gotta tell you.
And so he was like, all right, I don't know what's going on.
I mean...
Oh, yeah, okay.
Come on, come on, come on.
And I tell him the story, and he bursts out laughing.
And he was like, you know what's crazy is,
my first wife, she saw me in the movie,
and she said, that's gonna be my husband one day,
and we ended up getting married.
I said, well, I'ma tell you right now,
ain't no fiddling no beans over here,
ain't no fiddling no beans over here.
Okay, that's not gonna be happening over here,
but I just needed to tell you that
so that I could do my freaking job.
And then once I was able to get that off my chest,
it was like, okay, now we can get to work.
You are so delightfully.
And we became friends. Like we became friends, and it's so funny, because all the other cast members were like, okay, now we can get to work. You are so delightfully... And we became friends.
Like we became friends and it's so funny
because all the other cast members like,
how'd you get him to, he talks to you all the time.
He's so cool with you.
He doesn't talk to us.
And like he would give me money advice
and tell me about like, this is the ups and downs
of the business and this and that and all these different
things. I met his fiance at the time.
We talked on the phone.
I speak Japanese.
So I was able to talk to her a little bit.
And so like we became like really cool. And everybody's like, how'd you do it? What did you say to him? I was like, I speak Japanese, so I was able to talk to her a little bit. And so we became really cool.
And everybody's like, how'd you do it?
What did you say to your mama?
I was like, I just told him a story about my experience
and we've been cool ever since.
And they're like, he's mean.
I'm like, he's not mean, he is a nice person.
He is a cool person.
They're like, well, that's not what we're experiencing.
I'm like, well, you don't have no good stories to tell. You are so frank about sex and its role in your life.
And it amazes me that when you were growing up,
your mom did a lot.
To prevent it.
To prevent, well, to actively discourage you
from having anything to do with the opposite sex.
And she told you some intensely crazy stuff.
Yeah, yeah, very crazy.
She told me that.
Like, okay, so we was watching this soap opera, right?
And on the soap opera,
the girl's in the bed with the man and stuff.
And I'm like, what are they doing?
What are they doing?
She said, oh, that's what you do to make a baby.
I said, ooh, I'm gonna do that. She's like, no, you're not, not till you're 21. I'm like, what are they doing? What are they doing? She said, oh, that's what you do to make a baby. I said, oh, I'm going to do that.
She's like, no, you're not.
Not till you're 21.
I'm like, well, why?
And she said, well, you have to get your vaccine first.
First, you got to get vaccinated.
I was like, what do you mean?
She said, you got to get the shot.
I was like, what shot?
She said, look, boys have this stuff.
She said, it got enzymes in their mouth, right?
And if you kiss a boy, the enzymes in their mouth,
if you don't have your vaccine,
it's gonna eat your face up, right?
And you're gonna die within 24 hours, right?
And they got this stuff that shoots out their pee pee
that look like snot.
And if that gets inside your baby carriage,
then it's gonna like eat your insides,
it's gonna kill your baby carriage,
your legs gonna fall off, all this bad stuff,
and you're gonna die in three days. And so- inside your baby carriage, then it's gonna like, eat your insides, it's gonna kill your baby carriage,
your legs gonna fall off, all this bad stuff,
and you're gonna die in three days.
And so-
It's like The Ring.
Yes!
It would be a great scary movie.
Great scary movie.
And so I went to school and my friend Amber
was kissing this boy and I was crying.
I was like, oh my God, you're gonna die,
you're gonna die, Amber.
Oh my God.
Die, you're gonna kill, my God, you're gonna die. Oh my God. You're gonna die, you're gonna kill, you're gonna die.
And she's like, Amber's like, what is wrong with you?
And I'm giving you the abbreviated version.
In the book, it's much more detailed.
But I get home and I'm crying, and my mom's like,
what you crying about?
And I'm like, Amber was kissing this boy,
and she gonna die, oh, this is so bad, she gonna die.
And she was like, she is not gonna die.
See, her parents knew she was gonna be a host,
so they got the shot for her early.
She got the shot early.
She got vaccinated early,
because they knew she was gonna be a hoe.
So for years...
Are you a hoe?
If so, we have a medication for you.
So for years, I was under the impression
that all these, like, I would see these girls
kissing boys at school and stuff,
and I'm like, she a hoe, she a hoe,
that's a hoe, they a hoe.
Like, you know, they're not 21 yet, they not vaccinated,
or she probably got the shot early,
her parents knew she was gonna be a hoe,
and I used to say little stuff like that,
like, your family knew you was a hoe.
Like, you know, just say little stuff like that.
And when we got in health class,
got in health class, and they're talking about
all the different STDs you can get,
and then I'm like, excuse me, excuse me, what about the...
The enzymes in the mouth.
The baby carriage, yeah.
And then, you know, the teacher tells me to explain this,
and I explained it, and everybody in the class
busted up laughing, and he's like,
Tiffany, I think you need to talk to your mom again.
I think you need to talk to, you know,
you need to have a conversation,
because this is not, you know, because I was like,
what about the sperm disease? What about that? What about the sperm disease?
And it was, you know, and he didn't, like,
tell me I was wrong, but he said,
you should talk to your parents, right?
So I couldn't really talk to my mom at that point,
because she had the accident and all this stuff that happened.
So, you know, I mentioned it to my social worker.
The social worker's like, well, I don't know if that's correct,
but I like the way she's, it's interesting.
Okay.
Right.
She kind of appreciated where it's coming from.
Right.
It's coming from a place of caution.
Yeah, a place of caution.
But once I found out like that's not a thing,
then I was like, okay.
And then I was trying to kiss boys
and trying to, you know, get in there.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, get it in.
Oh my God.
Yeah, cause I didn't want to die of no man in Jaina.
No man in my vagina.
I'm going to have an experience before I die of no man in Jaina.
I didn't realize that was a fatal disease.
No man in Jaina?
Yeah, because there was people at school getting meningitis.
That's for like making out with people or whatever, you know?
And I was like, well, I don't wanna die of no meningitis.
Like, that was something I made up in high school.
I don't know if I put that part in the book.
I don't think I did,
because I thought it was too silly, but.
It's going in now.
You know, you had some people tell you early on
when you were doing standup, maybe not so much sex talk.
Yeah.
And then you got some good advice. Yes.
From.
Bob Saget.
Bob Saget.
Yes, who told me, that was like the first white man,
probably one of the few white men that was like,
be who you are, be yourself, don't listen to everybody.
If you feel comfortable doing it, do that, fuck them.
Do what feels right for you.
Yeah.
And that was like, that was a huge,
like that was like my big brother, I love him very much,
you know, he's like a big brother to me.
And you know, the fact that he told me to be myself,
like so used to people trying to tell me to be different,
be something else, like, and for him to say like,
now this is full house dad, like, he's telling me,
be who you are, fuck them, talk about what you wanna talk
about and do you, it'll pay off in the long run.
There are so many people who thought when you blew up
that, oh, you just showed up and it happened.
And they didn't realize that it was a long road.
Since the 1900s, y'all, 1996, 97.
I was always so confused trying to figure out
how do I be me,
like also figuring out who am I?
Like, and why don't I get like the,
like notoriety I should get in?
Why am I not getting the opportunities?
And why do all these guys like get all this stuff?
And I talked about that in the book
where I put that prosthetic penis in my panties.
And-
When you're on stage.
Yeah, when I walked up to the club
and just like walking around with a, with a limp dick in my drawers.
And,
you know,
I,
because I felt like, you know, these guys respect guys.
They don't really respect women in this bit.
Like it's really like hard to get on as a woman.
And, and I don't know.
I don't know if I walk different,
if my energy was different,
but then they started like respecting me
and started like talking to me and giving me hugs
and saying, hey, why don't you do this?
Can you do a book my show?
Can you do this show over here with me?
I'm booking this show.
You wanna get on?
You wanna do this?
And I was like, oh man, having a dick in my drawers
really is like making a difference.
Like maybe this is a boys club.
And then I like stopped wearing the penis,
but kept that same kind of energy.
That's unbelievable.
No, it's believable.
If you want, when you give me your number,
I can text you a picture of it.
It's him.
I'm writing it down right now.
Of the penis.
It's much like your color.
I wouldn't think, I wouldn't think that would be
a popular color for a prosthetic penis.
A freckled, a really.
Speckled.
Speckled.
It's a world penis.
Well, I may already have one.
We'll talk about that later,
but that's unbelievable to me that,
cause I know there was a period of time
where you're in the background of television shows.
Yeah.
You're a background extra.
What kind of shows are we talking about?
We're talking about like Hannah Montana.
I did background work on That's So Raven
before I was casting on That's So Raven.
One Tree Hill, what else did I do background work on?
A bunch of stuff, a bunch of stuff.
Do you ever look at those shows
and you can like look for yourself?
Yeah, I can see myself in it.
I wanted to do a show about that,
like who's in the background or whatever.
Like before they were celebrities, where were they? What were they doing? Like, I feel like I've met so many celebrities
that have done little things like that.
Like, just to get familiar with the set, like, it was really important to me
to do extra work just to, like, understand how everything worked.
I even did, like, I worked in the sound department for a little bit,
you know, just to learn how, like...
Because my goal is to one day maybe own a studio,
maybe, like, you know, be in charge of the whole production.
And I need to know like what everybody's job is
so that I'm not expecting too much from them.
Like I need to know.
And like, if they're not doing their job,
then I know like, hey, you're not on your shit.
And it's clear this is why, because I did it.
I did that job.
Yeah, I did that job.
I know what you're supposed to do.
First of all, you are gonna do that.
Anything you say you're gonna do, I'm down with it.
I just think that's gonna happen.
Yeah, it'll happen.
You've made so many things happen
just through incredibly hard work and talent.
Yeah, not quitting.
I don't quit, I'm not a quitter.
Especially if it's a vision that I can see in my mind's eye.
I'm like, it's going to happen.
When? I don't know, but I'm gonna make it happen.
That's important to when I don't know,
because I think a lot of people get impatient, think I'm gonna make this happen, it's gonna to when I don't know, because I think a lot of people get impatient,
think I'm gonna make this happen, it's gonna happen.
No, no, no, you gotta give up to a greater power,
whatever that means to you,
that I'm not in charge of when it happens,
but it's going to happen.
Yeah, I'm gonna help facilitate it,
so I do something every day towards it,
something in that realm.
Like when I worked at the youth center
and I was in charge of activities,
I'm like, I'm gonna get them to do all the things
that I always wanted to do and what's in the entertainment room.
So we would like sit in the audience at TV shows
and I would be learning how the cameras work,
learning how this works, see how they tape and film sitcoms.
And I would take them snowboarding and surfing
and riding horses and all the things like,
these are the kind of movies I wanna make.
I wanna snowboard in a movie.
I wanna surf in a movie. I'm a black gidget, you know, I'm riding horses and all the things like, these are the kind of movies I wanna make. I wanna snowboard in a movie.
I wanna surf in a movie.
I'm a Black Gidget, you know, I'm riding horses.
That's the title right there.
I wanna ride horses and stuff.
When I first met you, I yelled, Black Gidget!
Yeah. I remember that.
And I got in trouble, remember?
That is, you said one of your favorite movies
or a movie that influenced you a lot
was Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Yes.
Why?
Well, because first of all, that was my first time ever seeing people in cartoons together
in one thing.
And it was, I think, a great story.
Also it gave me great ideas.
When a detective says to the rabbit, why are all these people doing these nice things for
you?
He said, because I make them laugh, Eddie.
If you make people laugh, they'll do anything for you. And at that point in time in my life,
I barely could read.
I was having a hard time in school.
I'm having a hard time functioning, just in general.
I'm like taking care of my sisters and brothers.
I'm stressed out to the max.
And I'm like, that's the ticket.
That's what I'll do.
I'll get, that's how I'll make friends.
That's how I'll get people to help me.
I'll make them laugh and they'll do anything for me.
And that is the way that I was able to make it
through junior high and high school and elementary,
all that was like, I'm gonna make friends
by making them laugh.
Not to take it down, but people do need to know
what you went through.
Your dad walks out at, how old are you when he was?
Three.
Jesus, yeah.
Yeah, I mean-
And you later reestablished a relationship
with him for a time, but-
Yeah, and then he passed. Yeah, and then- And you later reestablished a relationship with him for a time, but- Yeah, and then he passed.
Yeah, and then your mom had this accident.
How old were you when she had the accident?
I was like eight, about to be nine.
Yeah.
And it was a bad car accident.
Really bad.
And it changed her personality.
Changed who she was.
I like lost the love of my life,
but she was there, her body was there,
but she wasn't there.
It's like, I don't know if a demon got in here.
I don't know what got inside of her,
but it wasn't my mom anymore.
And she became violent and verbally abusive.
And it was like, I just want my mommy back.
You know?
But I loved her so much.
Like, this is the first person I ever loved
in my whole life.
Like, this is the first person I ever loved.
So I'm gonna do whatever I can to try to help her,
try to heal her, whatever. She was so mean to me, so I'm gonna do whatever I can to try to help her, try to heal her, whatever.
She was so mean to me, and I wanted to, like,
fight her all the time, sometimes I wish she would've died,
but I didn't really want her to die, like...
It's fucking hard, because who is this lady in my mama body?
Because it ain't my mama.
It's very... I cannot think of anything more confusing
to a kid than my mom's still here,
but she's... she is not my mom... she is not my mom the way I knew her.
And because of this injury, that's not who she is anymore.
Right, and I didn't understand that,
the injury, I didn't understand,
like there's a lot of things, I was young, right?
And I'm just, I'm just be like, take your medicine,
like get better, why don't you,
why don't you let me enough to take care of yourself?
Fix yourself, get fixed, give me my mommy back.
But it don't work like that.
But I'm glad that I've been able to do all the things
that I'm able to do and made enough money
to get her the best help, the best doctors,
the best nutrition, the best of the best.
Does she understand the scale of your success?
I don't think.
I know she knows I'm successful.
I don't think she realizes that I'm international sensation.
Well, you are.
And that people care about me.
They do.
I didn't realize people cared about me the way they do until I got arrested for DUI and
it was on CNN
and PBS and Korean news.
I mean, there's no excuse now for studios to say,
she's not international. Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, yes, I am international.
They're talking about me in Korea and in Africa and China.
They're talking about me on the BBC.
They're talking about me all over the world.
They're talking about my ass in Iceland, baby.
I am international.
There are three people in the Antarctic right now.
It's like, did you see what happened to Tiffany
in Beverly Hills?
Like, I am important.
Like, I have to find the positive in everything.
Like, that's like my mission.
You just had a gusher of positivity right there.
That was fantastic.
I mean, if you Google right now,
Google right now, famous black women arrested for DUI.
When I first Googled it,
it was just me and Josephine Baker.
Now, Glowrilla trying to come up on me.
But...
But...
But...
But...
But...
But...
And I'ma tell you, I know for a fact
there are a lot of famous women
that have been arrested for DUIs,
but nobody is talking about it
because don't nobody care about them.
People care about me, okay?
They care.
They care if I take a nap in Beverly Hills.
And boy.
Eduardo just checked it out.
I verified it.
First thing that comes up, Anthony Haddish.
Yeah, and it's just me for like two pages, right?
And then there's Glorilla.
And then Glorilla is like you keep scrolling down.
It must be killing her right?
And back in January when I Googled it it was me and just Josephine Baker. I said damn it I'm a legend.
That's good company to be in.
I'm a legend that's good. Yeah I gotta start my rainbow tribe.
Take my ass to France.
You talk about you did therapy but found that you were just trying material out on the therapist.
I love that part because I completely understand.
It's like, what are you talking about?
Like, I don't know, the community that I grew up in,
you don't talk about your problems.
You don't put that, you don't like air your family business.
So I'm sitting here with this therapist and I'm just like,
well, let me run these jokes.
Let me run this.
Like, let me run that.
Like, now I'm realizing I'm paying money
to make this half a laugh.
This is not cool.
Like, this is not gonna work for me.
But, you know, that therapist ended up suggesting
that I do comedy as a hobby, because I had stopped.
Because I needed to make a living,
and $25 a show is not making a living.
And then I started, like, doing comedy as a hobby
and immediately, you know Vargas Mason?
I know the name, yeah.
Yeah, Vargas has been doing comedy forever.
And he saw me performing on this open mic
where I was just, you was just trying it out.
It was just like my first time like getting back like,
okay I'm gonna start this hobby.
And he's like, you're funny, you should do this show with me.
We're doing this show, it's like a woman's conference
and blah, blah, blah.
And I'm like, yeah.
And he's like, yes, 15 minutes, you get $50.
I was like, I'm there bro, I am so there.
And I get there and I'm doing my thing and I am bombing.
I am bombing hard because I'm doing like all boyfriend jokes and stuff
and and some dick jokes.
And turns out that that that whole room was lesbian.
And they are heckling me.
And they're like, I got a dick bigger than your boyfriend.
I'll take you somewhere. I'll show you.
And I was like, no, I like his. It has a heartbeat.
I show you and I was like, no, I like his.
It has a heartbeat.
And I was like.
No one told you who's the audience?
They did not tell me.
And that's when I learned you got to know who your audience is.
Yes, you do.
Got to know your audience.
And I bombed.
I bombed bad.
But I stayed up there the whole 15 minutes
because I wanted my $50.
But I wasn't sure if he was going to give it to me
because I bombed so bad.
It was so bad. It was bad, bad.
Like, I felt like a piece of meat up there,
just like, oh, this is horrible.
And I go backstage and I'm trying not to cry,
and he's like, whoa, rough room, right?
And he gives me my $50, and I was like,
oh, you paying me anyways?
Oh, I'm doing this for the rest of my life.
I just gotta figure out how to get better
and better and better, and that's what I've been doing ever since,
getting better and better every chance I get.
And I do make mistakes and I do bomb from time to time,
but that comes, that's the nature of the beast.
And every fail is a lesson to be successful.
And don't say that shit again, try something else.
Yeah, also there are times where you try something,
it doesn't work.
And I don't know if you've had this, but it just, you try something, it doesn't work. And I don't know if you've had this,
but it just, you try something, it doesn't work,
but it, it sounds so corny,
but like opens a door to something else that might work.
Do you know what I mean?
It's not just, oh, that didn't work.
I won't say that again.
But sometimes it leads to something else.
It does.
And I'll look, I'll run a joke like six times,
six different shows.
If it doesn't work the six times,
then I know, okay, this is probably not the right route to go.
This is not the correct wording. The idea to me is funny, but this is not,
this is not what's going, this don't hit. Don't, don't do this one no more.
But maybe the premise is good. So try it a different way. Rewrite it this way.
Have you noticed that if you work too hard on something, it's not coming.
It means it's not there?
Right.
Like sometimes the best things just come so easily
and I cannot tell you how long,
it took me a long time to learn this,
but I got a work ethic and I would work and work
and work on something and it's just not there.
And then I realized if you're working that hard on it,
it's not there, you gotta just walk away.
You gotta let it go, gotta let it go.
And when in doubt, throw it out. Yes. When in doubt, throw it out. Yeah. If you doubting it and like it's not there, you gotta just walk away. You gotta let it go. Gotta let it go. And when in doubt, throw it out.
Yes.
When in doubt, throw it out.
If you doubting it and it's not getting it, let it go.
I've been practicing that a lot lately
with relationships and all kinds of stuff.
And I've been throwing stuff away.
But I am still a hoarder of clothes.
Cause I think I can fit in this again.
I know I didn't wear it.
I haven't worn it since 99. But I can fit in this again. I know I didn't wear it. I haven't worn it since 99.
But I will get that small again.
I might be 70 years old, but I will wear that crop top
one more time.
Do you relate, Sona?
Oh my god, yes.
It's so sad.
The clothes that I have in my closet
that I just won't throw away.
I don't want to give in to the fact that I'm a large now,
and I used to be a medium, but I can't do it.
Oh, my goodness.
Some of my stuff I've given to my sister.
This is my issue.
Like, I need to, if I give away clothes,
and when I do, and I usually do about two,
three times a year, I like have to give it away to charity,
because when I give it to like my sisters,
and I see them wearing it, I want to rip
that shit off their back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Give me that back.
That looks good.
Hey, that's mine. Hey, why it look better on you than it does on me?
I'm like, did you take that out of my closet?
They're like, you gave it to me.
I'm like, oh yeah, I did give it to you. But inside I'm like, I should take that shit back.
Okay, so you've had this crazy success.
You haven't changed in some, you say you in the book, you talk about Groupon, you still using your Groupon.
Still use my Groupon.
Okay.
Yeah, I just bought some weights on it just recently.
Oh yeah?
Yes, new weights, some kettlebells.
Oh, kettlebell.
Okay.
Do you ever walk around with those weight vests?
Some people do that.
I just bought a weighted vest.
I was walking with my wife the other day
and then at one point it's getting hot
so she takes off her like sweatshirt or whatever
and I see that she's wearing this,
looks like a bulletproof vest
and I said, what the fuck is that?
And she was like, oh, it adds like 20 pounds to my walk
so that I'll work harder.
I didn't know.
I thought, I mean, I didn't,
she didn't tell me first of all,
but again, we haven't touched each other in years.
Uh, she said-
Her first line of defense against you.
Yeah, she said this protects me.
A chastity vest.
This protects me.
He won't touch these tits.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
His scaly hands aren't getting me.
But you got one of those.
Yeah, I just ordered one on Groupon.
Yeah, it was like 50 bucks.
And it's a 20 pound weighted vest.
I just ordered it in the kettlebells.
Yeah.
Cause I wanna like walk with that stuff.
That's so funny.
Me and your wife should be friends.
Let's do it.
She would love it.
Let's go on a weighted walk.
She would do it.
She's cool.
What's that?
Okay, take it easy.
She's cool.
She's really cool. I married well. Okay, take it easy. She's cool. She's really cool.
I married well, I did the right thing.
Good.
In your book, you talk about,
you found this thing called a rage room.
I don't know what a rage room is.
What's a rage room? Oh my gosh, a rage room.
So it is a room where you can go and you can break stuff.
I feel like it's perfect for white men.
All the movies I've seen, y'all just tear up rooms
and I'm like, who perfect for white men. All the movies I've seen, y'all just tear up rooms and I'm like,
who's gonna clean that up?
But you go to these places,
I go to this place called the LA Break Room in Van Nuys,
and they have like crates full of cups and bowls and plates,
and you can just throw them against the wall and break them.
You can like, they have old appliances in their ovens,
microwaves, refrigerators,
a stove, chairs. Oh, this one chair, I fucked that chair up. Everything I had was like,
it's better than sex. It's such a great release. And I just tore that shit up, demolished it,
and nobody is mad at me. Nobody's mad. I've never heard of it. I mean, I want to do this.
I do know. I've heard about them and they're awesome.
I've never been, but.
It's great for a date night too,
so they can see how angry you can be.
You know, how destructive you can be.
But I'm not destructive like that,
but oh man, it feels so good.
Oh, I could break some stuff.
One time I went, they had all Ronald Reagan library cups,
mugs.
Whoa.
I was like, I hate to do this to you, Reagan,
but you did bring drugs into our community.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
And I demolished it.
Your war on drugs was garbage.
You mentioned your community.
You know what I love is you live in South Central
and you keep doubling down and buying homes
in South Central, right?
Yeah.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
I mean, what now, how many, I mean,
I don't wanna get too specific,
but you've bought a lot of properties there.
Yeah, I only own one.
Okay.
But the foundation, the LLCs, the trust funds.
I see.
They own many.
And every time I do a movie or a TV show,
I buy a piece of land.
I always tell them like,
make sure I get paid enough where I can buy
like an apartment building,
where I can buy something that can make a difference.
You know, when I was little,
I used to think I was gonna be the queen
of South Central Los Angeles.
I wanna be the queen of the hood.
And now like on my street, I own,
well, the trust owns many homes.
That's fantastic.
And then, and the apartment buildings and duplexes that I own, I house foster youth
in it.
I rent them out to organizations that help foster youth get housing and life skills and
all that.
And they, I house a bunch of them.
But they don't know that I own it.
But I do come by and mentor and talk to the kids.
And, yeah, and really I'm just checking to make sure
they didn't tear my shit up.
That's a rage room.
I'm like, why is there footprints on the ceiling?
I'm here to mentor you and also check up on stuff.
Give you good life advice, but check.
And you know what's so cool is
there are these big after parties after events,
like whether it's the Emmys or the Golden Globes
or the Oscars.
But after one, you just went back to the neighborhood.
Yeah, I went right home, right to South Central LA.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So no, so you skipped the fancy party.
I went, oh no, so okay, so I went to the fancy party,
took a picture and then left.
If you talking about when I went over to my homegirl house
over in Compton, yeah, so she was having a car party,
so and then the police came,
and I took pictures with the police,
my face was beat for the guys.
But yeah, I went to the event and I took some pictures
at the little after party, left from there,
and like changed my clothes, but I didn't wash my face.
And I went over there, I was like,
bitch, you up here, all cute, looking all good.
I'm like, yeah, but let me whoop that ass in spades.
We playing spades, we here for the spades.
And then I guess, I don't know,
some people took pictures and posted,
and then the police found out I was in the community,
and they came over and like, we're here to protect you,
make sure nothing happen to you.
But I'm like, I come over here all the time,
don't nothing happen to me, like, I'm queen of the hood.
You are?
I'm not the queen of the hood.
In my mind, in my mind.
Well, you keep buying these properties, you are.
Like, hey, landlord, lord of the land.
Also, you and I have something in common.
We both have a wax figure of ourselves.
Oh, yes.
Because you got a Madame Tussauds wax figure.
Yes, yes.
I have one, I don't know, it's in Hollywood somewhere.
It, and every now and then someone will be visiting
and they'll take a picture.
And for some reason it's me,
they did it when I was behind a desk and I'm pointing.
I don't know why, like Conan's big thing is he points,
but people send me these random photos of them posing
with this horrific- How do you feel about it?
It's weird.
It's really weird because what people,
I don't know if they realize this, you know,
they take exact measurements.
Yes. They take easily take exact measurements. Yes.
They take easily a thousand measurements.
Yes, of every inch of your body.
Of every inch of your body.
And they're like measuring the distance from,
so that it's a perfect replica of you.
And then they like match your hair and they match.
And so I look at it sometimes and I think,
that's just weird that that's,
it's somewhere in Hollywood.
God knows, there it is.
Oh my God. Oh, that.
When you were skinny.
Oh boy.
Yeah.
It's a testament.
You know, it kind of slightly reminds me of that.
Remember that McDonald's character that-
Ronald McDonald?
No, not Ronald McDonald.
Mac Tonight?
Mac Tonight. Mac Tonight.
Mac Tonight, the talk show guy.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
Maybe that's why everybody loves your talk show so much.
You were Mac McKnight.
I was Mac McKnight.
You know what, I gotta say, it doesn't,
it looks, it doesn't, now it doesn't look like me.
No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't.
But the nose is me and everything, but.
It doesn't really look like you at all.
Yeah.
No, it looks like you're sick.
Oh, okay.
You're better looking.
You're way better looking.
I was very sick at the time.
I do remember that. They got the dead eyes right. Yeah, they got the dead eyes. They got the dead eyes. You're way better looking. I was very sick at the time. I do remember that.
They got the dead eyes right.
Yeah, they got the dead eyes.
They got the dead eyes.
You know what, it looks like they took someone's hand
that was holding a gun and just took the gun out.
And God knows.
This guy, bang, bang.
So what, you went through that experience.
Yes.
Did you like it when you saw yourself or did you?
I did, I thought she was so beautiful.
I'm like, wow, this is like so beautiful,
but I didn't,, it's no like,
and looking those eyes and it's like dead eyes.
It's like no hurt ever been experienced.
No, this is not a real human.
But if I could make a clone of myself, boy, she would be cute.
Do you know they cloning dogs now?
I did know that.
Yeah.
And I'm like, if they can clone dogs,
then they could clone me probably.
Do you want to be cloned?
I mean, they would have to, then they could clone me probably. Do you wanna be cloned?
I mean, it would have to grow up like a baby and everything.
Yeah.
Like, right?
Yeah.
So then-
No, you're not gonna show up as you are now.
No.
But are you okay with raising-
Myself?
Yourself.
I would raise myself so good.
Yes, you would.
And then I don't need no man,
like no child support, no nothing, no man.
Like, then I would have to find him a dad
because that was the problem.
I think I needed a dad like all the time.
So I would get like all my gay homeboys to be dad.
And then just, you know, yeah.
That's such a weird idea that you-
Raise myself.
Clone yourself as a baby Tiffany.
And I see me again.
And then you raise you and you give yourself everything that you didn't have.
Not everything.
I just give me what I needed.
Not all the stuff that I didn't have, just what I needed.
More hugs, more kisses, more words of like,
you're doing a good job, I'm proud of you.
You can do anything.
Don't quit.
And then I will put her out the house
so she can learn struggle.
At like 12, 13?
No, at 18, she gonna have to learn how to survive.
I will make her camp in the woods at like 13.
Like, give her supplies and leave her in the woods
for three days.
No one does that.
Would you tell her about the enzymes and sperm disease?
Yes, I'm gonna tell her about the enzymes
and sperm disease.
I'm gonna be like, don't believe what you read on TikTok.
It's all lies.
Matter of fact, I don't even think
I'm going to teach her how to read so she
don't get her heart broken.
Wait.
OK, you're going to give her what she needs,
but she can't read.
Yeah, she can't read.
I don't think I'm going to let her learn how to read,
because there's so many teenagers right now.
The suicide epidemic is crazy amongst teenagers,
because they're reading all the stuff
that people are saying on social media
and they're attacking them and they don't know
how to handle it because they took bullying out of school,
right, so now you don't know how to handle
just the bullying of words
and you take that personal kiss.
Teenagers, like that's what...
Just don't let her have a phone.
She can read.
Yeah, no phone.
Yeah, she gonna get a pager.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm bringing pagers back, yeah.
I'm gonna put a tracking device on her.
And she like, time to come in the house.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
I gotta go inside.
Like, I don't know.
But I feel bad for kids today, because it is really hard.
And I appreciate it.
All my bullies, like I've sent them little thank you notes.
Like, thank you for making me so strong, especially to my mom, that was my biggest bully.
And I really appreciate all the stuff that she said and did,
even though it was mean and nasty and hurt my feelings,
prepared me for the horrible social media world
that we have today.
It doesn't really bother me.
But do you read stuff about yourself?
Hell yeah, I read stuff about myself.
Hello?
You gonna sit here and tell me you don't read about you?
I don't, actually.
You don't?
You'll back me up on this.
He actually doesn't.
I mean, when people send him articles
and he just won't read them.
Because you can't read, huh?
Yeah.
I knew it.
Damn it.
He's been having that.
I'm above that.
I might get my feelings hurt.
Can you read, Conan?
I can't read.
Got that ear wig in.
They tell him everything is set up.
No.
I try, I mean, I do sometimes, but I try not to.
Cause I just think like it can't,
I think if I can, if it can help me,
but if it's just some random person saying
they don't like what I'm doing,
I don't know what the point is of me knowing that.
Because I'm not gonna change at this point.
No, I'm not gonna change either,
but it is kind of, okay, in my mind,
I think they're saying all this stuff.
These people, especially if it's a long paragraph
or if they make like a whole YouTube video
about how much they can't stand me,
in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, they love me.
This person cares about me so much.
Spending a lot of energy on you.
They took a lot of energy and a lot of time
to say anything about me.
And like, when people are like, we should cancel her.
She should be canceled.
Isn't she canceled?
Like I think to myself, dang, you took time out of your day
to comment on me, which means I shouldn't be canceled.
You actually care.
You care about, I'm doing my job as an entertainer
and I'm making you feel something.
So I am successful in the long run.
I beat you, I win. But still I have end you feel something. So I am successful in the long run. I beat you, I win.
But still I have endometriosis,
so on my cycle I do become evil.
And I do take it back to the 1900s,
and I do go on there and talk shit about them real bad.
Real, real bad.
And I have to pray on that, like,
please forgive me, Lord, for what I'm about to do, but I have to destroy this fat bitch right now.
That's one of my favorite prayers.
I'm about to hurt your child's feelings.
I apologize, but I'm gonna hurt your child.
My bad.
But I gotta, I gotta attack her soul.
I'm sorry, Lord gotta attack her soul.
I'm sorry, Lord.
Please forgive me.
You shouldn't have gave me endometriosis.
I wouldn't even have time.
While I'm sitting here in pain and bleeding clots,
and clots of blood, I wouldn't be thinking
about committing murder on this woman's spirit.
Oh, man, you got me.
Some people try to say I'm crazy. Andometriosis. Oh man, you got me.
Some people try to say I'm crazy.
I'm not crazy.
I have endometriosis, okay?
And it causes me to behave in certain ways
because I'm in pain.
And it's a hormonal imbalance, apparently.
That's what somebody just told me.
It's your hormones, they're in balance.
Okay, well what's the fucking
balance of the hormones? Give me that shit. Is there Well, what's the what's the fucking? Balancer of the hormone
Like a leveler to level out fucking hormones keep me from bleeding clots of fucking blood
How am I not dead? How am I still living? I'm amazing. That's why I'm a fucking superhero
All women are superheroes. We all are fucking amazing creatures
We bleed for days and days and days and don't die.
Let a man bleed for two days.
He's dead.
He's dead.
Especially if it's at the tip of his penis,
he's gonna kill himself.
He's like, it's broken forever, I'm done.
I can't do this.
Let a blood clot come out of dick, it's a wrap.
No, don't let a blood clot come out of dick. Dear baby Jesus.
Don't let a blood clot come out of my dick. I'll give you anything. I told a dude that
I have endometriosis so I can only deal with certain size penises. I can't be dealing with
no big old, I got endometriosis. He's like, what is that? Is that a new STD? What is that?
And I was like, I wish it was an STD. I wish I could give you endometriosis. He's like, what is that? Is that a new STD? What is that? And I was like, I wish it was an STD.
I wish I could give you endometriosis.
Have you out here with endonetrimosis.
I wish I could give you inflammation of the nuts
where all your wrinkles come out your balls.
Blood clots come out the tip of your dick.
He's like, that sounds so painful.
Why would you wish that for somebody?
This is what you're talking about before you have sex? No, I...
Let's have a little, let's have a little, uh...
Let's have a little pillow talk.
This is, this is my way of letting you...
I hope your balls shrivel up and climb up your asshole.
This is my way of letting him know if he got a big old dick,
I'm not doing this with you.
You know, so, you know, we could just be friends.
Okay.
Because I need that smear there, okay?
I don't need you tearing my stuff up.
I don't want to be bleeding. Okay, no big dicks out there.
We're getting the word out.
Run me to smediums with good credit and an EIN number.
I'm looking for good credit and EIN numbers.
Hello.
Oh my God.
It's smediums.
Define medium.
I'm just going to write this down.
Smediums, smediums, smediums.
Mediums, okay.
My G-spot is three inches in. Bring this down. Mediums, mediums, mediums.
Mediums, okay.
My G-spot is three inches in.
Bring your Asians, your Indians, your whatever.
Mediums.
Okay, just medium.
I talk about that in a book too.
Yeah, I know you do.
I got it right here, medium.
That's in the If You Wanna want to get with me chapter.
I'm gonna give you a manual on that.
Good Lord.
Oh.
Oh, you can read.
No, I can't.
No, I do little pictures for them.
I see.
Yeah, have Maddie bring it in, yes.
Oh, we got some little surprise for me here, apparently.
And it's also not just for me, but for you too.
Maddie, thank you very much.
Yes, thank you.
Lotion!
Yeah.
Here we go.
Yes.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my skin is like, what is this?
Now rub it in, just rub it on both sides.
We're putting a little lotion in.
Yeah, massage it in there.
Make a wish when you're doing it.
Mm.
Oh, that's me.
I wish I was a medium.
A medium for me is aspirational.
You want to be a medium?
I like medium, small to medium.
Oh, oh.
But you got a wife, so I'm sure she's happy with what you're working with.
Well, I'm a good earner. LAUGHTER
She's crying and then she goes,
she's like, you know, I actually need this.
There's a lot of money coming in.
LAUGHTER
She says that as we're doing it.
All these years.
Good earner, good earner.
Then there's just flaky skin flying around. It looks like it's snowing on us. If she's saying good earner, good earner. Then there's just flaky skin flying around. It looks like it's snowing on us.
If she's saying good earner, good earner,
she's manifesting that, you know.
That's what you're supposed to do during sex.
You're supposed to make wishes when,
as soon as you had an orgasm,
that's when it's gonna come in.
Cause all your chakras are open
and that's when God shows up.
Oh my God.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
That's when you're supposed to make a wish.
All right, here's my question for the room.
You gotta manifest then.
All the wasted wishes.
Here's my question for the room.
Who's funnier than Tiffany?
Oh man.
Seriously.
There's a lot of people.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are a beautiful person.
Thank you.
You are a good Lord.
You are a tornado of funny.
You are so funny and it comes from such a real place.
Thank you. And you're beautiful and God comes from such a real place. Thank you.
And you're beautiful and God, I just, when you show up,
I don't have to do anything.
I know.
I don't do anything.
I just say, I just, every now and then a little poke,
is there more?
And there's so much more.
Yeah, I'm like a sis.
There's levels to it, there's levels to it.
Everyone go out, do yourself a favor,
go out and get, I Curse You With Joy.
It's Tiffany Haddish.
Can you say Tiffany Haddish, I Curse You With Joy?
Yeah, Tiffany Haddish, I Curse You With Joy.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
I Curse You With Joy, Tiffany Haddish.
Thank you, thank you.
And I curse everyone that reads that book with joy.
And please spread the word that-
You are moisturized.
I'm moisturized, I'm a medium.
Yeah, thank you.
I represent every color on Earth.
Yes, yes.
And God bless you, seriously.
You make me, I mean, you talk about how you,
in your life, you try to do positive things
and you do so many positive things.
And then you come into this room
and we talk to everybody and I'm just dying.
You just make me so happy.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Can I have your phone number now?
Yes, you can.
Okay, awesome.
Yeah, you can.
All right.
Yay.
Wife doesn't have to know.
Oh, she gonna know
because I'm gonna get her number too.
And we, I'm gonna invite you to game night.
I'll be having this game night
on one of my properties.
It's a good time.
Okay.
Have you ever been to South Central LA?
Sure.
Okay, we gonna see.
I've got it.
It's in Catalina, right?
It's a gated estate in Catalina.
It's not gated at all.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I thinking of the right South Central?
South Central Catalina, right?
Wear your weighted vest.
It'll be a good time.
That is me. Thank you.
You send me a text.
Thank you, Conan.
I am gonna send you a text.
And I wanna see...
It's been a long time since I got the phone number
on a piece of paper.
I was gonna say, I love that you wrote it down.
I love this.
That's how I do it.
You're from the 1900s, baby!
Oh, but you know what?
I was on a plane once.
Across the aisle was Warren Beatty,
the greatest womanizer of the 20th century.
And we chat briefly and we have a nice chat
and he goes, well, here, here's how you can reach me.
And he writes his phone number
on an American Airlines napkin and hands it to me.
And I was thinking when he did it,
how many numbers has he written
on an airline napkin since 1960?
Oh my God, so many side attempts.
And that I can't find it.
Cause I would frame it.
I would frame it if I could find it.
You probably blew your nose in it.
Yeah, probably.
Probably, I fucked up.
But anyway, Warren, my apologies.
He's been waiting by the phone for 20 years.
Why won't he call?
I love him!
Tiffany, God bless.
Thank you so much for being here.
And congrats on your book.
Thank you. Conan O so much for being here. And congrats on your book. Thank you.
Thank you.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow,
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Theme song by The White Stripes.
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