Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - W. Kamau Bell Returns
Episode Date: April 8, 2024Comedian, director and producer W. Kamau Bell feels insistent about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Kamau returns to chat with Conan once more about the weapons they’re allowed to keep in the house..., the best video essays on YouTube, working as a correspondent on What Would You Do?, and gaining notoriety with Denzel Washington. Plus, Conan plays whack-a-mole with his team’s various incapacitations. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hi, my name is Debbie Kamau Belt.
And I feel insistent about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
That's the way.
You kick the door down.
I kick the door down.
I'm not leaving without being your friend.
Yeah.
And I'll take all these people with me.
Farley's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and lose,
climb the fence, books and pens,'Brien Needs a Friend.
As usual, I'm joined by Mr. Matt Gorley.
Matt, how are you?
Hi, I'm fine, I'm in full voice.
Yes, exactly.
And you bring that up for a reason,
because Sona came in today and she has no voice
and she just keeps making us giggle
because your attempts to talk are a lot of fun.
What's going on with you?
My voice is gone.
My voice is gone.
So what-
My voice is gone.
Do you know why your voice is gone?
Did you go to a club?
Did you scream at your twins?
No, I think that I, I mean,
Andy explained this to me, it could have-
Andy, I'm gonna translate,
cause it's very hard.
Sometimes when a mouse is talking at the bottom of a well,
it's hard to hear everything the mouse says.
But what the mouse at the bottom of the well just said
was Andy was talking, and that's Andy Richter.
Andy Richter.
Who's out in the hallway.
Who's out in the hallway.
Said that sometimes if you have a lot of mucus,
which I did, it could sometimes happen.
He explained it and I listened, I understood and I forgot.
I think it's better to go to Andy Richter than any doctor.
Yeah, he told me my heart's fine, by the way.
Is it not fine?
Well you know, every now and then.
But no, I go to Andy for all important decisions about my health.
No, and you still came in, which makes you a real troupe.
Well, I didn't want to, but I couldn't say-
Couldn't, just couldn't, not couldn't.
Today's not the day, O'Brien.
Today is not the day.
This is sad because your voice is your superpower
and you without your voice is kind of pitiful.
Imagine being in an ethnic house with a lot of Armenians
and not being able to project.
It's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
So you have such a powerful voice and Eduardo,
you will chime in on this,
that she has blown out many of our microphones.
Yeah, this is her fourth microphone.
Oh my God, how do you do that?
No, it's true, it's true.
We've got very sophisticated equipment in here.
I speak in what's been described as dulcet tones,
Gorley Earil Pro.
Yeah, they call me the pod, the velvet pod.
The foggy pod voice, the poddy.
The foggy pod, he's the foggy pod.
The other problem I have to admit is
Blay sits in on these and he's a giant bellows
that you'd put next to a fireplace.
I always have to turn down my earphones
when he gets up to the mic.
Just take it easy.
Don't do your normal thing, Blake.
But when you get excited, it's not your fault,
you get excited because you're like a giant,
giant sheepdog and you go running up to the mic
and you yell things.
All of that is true.
That was better.
Thank you.
That was fantastic.
Can I also just say, I feel like it's not my fault
because I have a large head,
so naturally my voice is louder
just because of the physicality. Yeah, I wouldn because I have a large head, so naturally my voice is louder
just because of the physicalities.
Yeah, I wouldn't know about a large head.
Yeah.
Six of your heads fit inside one of my head.
So I'm not interested in that excuse.
Sona, does it hurt to talk, I hope?
I mean.
I hope.
No, no, what I meant to say was,
is it painful when you speak?
No, it's not painful.
It doesn't hurt at all.
It's kind of painful to me.
So is it- I don't care.
I don't care what's painful to you.
What's it with your kids understand?
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it either.
Do your kids, you have disciplinary issues
with your twins, but do they,
is it hard to keep them?
Well, you've sent me videos of them
pretty much taking the house apart with hammers.
Are you able to control them
when you don't have your voice?
No, it's so yesterday,
cause I usually read to them when Tac's at karate.
And then yesterday I couldn't read to them.
Again, let me just again translate.
Your husband Tac still takes karate.
Three to three times a week?
Three nights a week, yeah.
Well, he's ready.
He's ready for that ninja attack.
So what, and then-
I'm so jealous.
No, no, not at all.
I think it's ridiculous.
You're jealous.
A father of two, he has no,
there's no time for karate!
There's no time!
You too thinks for yourself,
you're supposed to continue to be self-care.
No, I go to a place where I am waxed.
Someone else does the waxing.
Oh, God.
They just put on the, you know what I mean?
And then I'm scraped and exfoliated and powdered.
Oh, those powders.
Anyway, so you-
So I was, I usually read to the boys.
Mikey could not understand why I couldn't read to him,
even though I was like, I just don't have a voice.
I don't have a voice.
He probably thought you didn't love him or something.
He just, he yelled read, read, read, read,
over and over again for like an hour.
What a monster. What a tyrant.
What a tyrant.
Oh my god.
Yeah.
I hated it so much.
Very Stalinesque, I think.
I almost started crying.
Because I was like, what am I going to do?
I don't have a voice.
You think I like this?
Yeah, he has no empathy.
This is the worst thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's scary.
Don't say that about my kid.
No, no, I'm just saying he'll grow.
And let's just hope that he develops an empathetic
inner voice.
Oh my God.
What I'm just saying, it's for him to be screaming
at his sick mother, terrible.
You're one to talk.
You're an awful person.
Your daughter's lovely, by the way.
She is lovely, clearly empathetic.
No, what's the matter with your daughter?
Nothing's wrong with my daughter.
She's just really giving us a run for our money.
I was up at three and haven't been asleep since.
Also, she's big into role play, you know,
where she'll go like, you're Elsa, I'm Anna,
or you're Cookie Monster, I'm Big Bird.
But then now she goes up to strangers in the streets.
She'll go up to a grown man, by himself,
look at me, point at him and go, you this guy.
Oh.
And the guy's like, what?
So she's directing an improv show You diss guy. Oh. And the guy's like, what?
So she's directing an improv show with unwilling participants.
Yeah, which makes me feel like I gotta go up to the guy and go like, can you give me
some of your character traits?
What are you into?
Yeah.
I gotta faithfully portray you or my daughter's gonna throw a tantrum.
You do have kind of a laugh.
Your laugh kind of works.
They're a little bit there.
Yeah, that's nice. The laugh works.
As long as the laugh works, I'm happy.
Oh, God.
As long as I get the chuckles, I'm good.
Do you feel any... you have any...
Any what?
Are you at all?
I can't hear. I'm sorry.
Oh, this is the sweetest thing.
No, I really want to hear you. I do.
I want to say, do you feel at all sad for me?
Why are you laughing so hard? You ditch.
I'm not laughing at you.
I'm so sorry.
Don't call me a dick, you big rod.
No, I'm not.
Big rod.
I'm not sad.
Listen, I'm on your side.
I do feel sad for you.
I think it's adorable.
I have to say, I'm being really honest now.
Sona, I don't feel badly for you.
I feel, I don't.
I have no feelings of sadness.
I think it's adorable.
I want to give you a little cheese. I want you to live in a little hole in the wall.
I want you every now and then to decide
that you're gonna take a little leaf
and turn it into a boat and go down a stream.
Do you know what I mean?
That would be nice.
And that when it rains,
you just take a little top of an acorn,
you put it over you, it protects you from the rain.
This is not, I wish I didn't come into work today.
I'm so glad you did, it makes me happy.
The good thing is that after the interview,
we're gonna come back for a segment
and talk more about this.
Yeah.
So you're about to be part of the segment
and that's gonna be fun.
Cause you know, I'm sure it's gonna be a great interview
but just you chiming in every now and then
little squeak squeak is gonna make me happy.
You're such a bad person.
Yeah, probably.
All right, we should go.
Sona, best of luck during this.
Apologize.
Best of luck during the interview.
You apologize.
My guest today is an Emmy Award winning comedian and writer.
I won't apologize.
Now you can see him as a guest correspondent on the 16th season of the ABC series, What
Would You Do?
Streaming on Hulu.
He's a good friend to us.
I'm thrilled he's with us today.
W, come out, bell, welcome.
I have sent you emails and you respond to those emails, which is like ahead of a lot
of people.
So I feel like that's a-
No, I'm very-
Oh, so now I'm hearing you respond to every email.
I just respond to everything.
You respond to Nigerian princes.
I am so tight with the Nigerian prince.
Fishing stamps. I just respond to everything. Nigerian princes. Oh my, I'm so tight.
I am so tight with the Nigerian prince.
Fishing stamps.
I didn't just give money,
I then visited the Nigerian prince and we hang a lot.
He's a very nice person.
It's terrible what happened to him.
Subject line is, I want to catfish you.
You're like, sure, let's talk about this.
How do we get this catfish going?
It was, I remember we had one,
we were going back and forth on something,
and then you, for some reason,
sent me a picture of your apartment.
And I was like, you need to clean.
Oh yeah.
Remember?
And then I felt like I had invaded your space.
But it was very messy.
I'm just saying, you gotta get that shit together.
First of all, I live in a house.
I know why I got put in an apartment.
Like I'm a grown man with children.
All I could see was two,
all I could see was one room, so.
Well, I didn't go, here,
let me show you every room in my house.
I didn't-
Oh, that's what I expected.
To be a completion, let me show you the outside,
every room. Yeah, I wanna see everything.
Here's my kids' rooms, all three of them.
Here's my wife's room. Okay.
Here's the closet.
Here's some clothes, I'm, yeah, no, I didn't,
I sent you, I forget what the reason was,
but I'm sure it was Rigory's at the time,
and I feel weird that you brought it up.
I'm glad I brought it up.
I just demonstrated to everyone two things
that were capable of being very close
and you could be neater.
Those are the two things I want to come out of this podcast.
Those two things are true.
Those two things are true.
That is true.
Since then we've moved into a smaller house
and now my area is the room,
is the area of the house next to my side of the bed.
That's the only area I get to do with what I want.
So it makes it easier to clean up now.
Do you have any weapons in the house?
That's what I wanna know.
No, we don't have any weapons in the house.
I don't think I don't, yeah.
I have a five-year-old who's very feral.
Okay, I wanna-
What are you gonna do, a home invasion?
Why are you asking that?
I'm bringing this up for a reason.
I'm bringing this up for a reason. I'm bringing this up for a reason.
And I wanna get your take on this
and tell me if I'm crazy or not.
This is friends with comedian actor Joel McHale.
Joel McHale's running schtick with me
is he always gives me weapons.
Not guns or anything like that,
but kind of interesting steampunky weapons
that you can buy on the dark web.
One of those knives that does this,
you get one of those.
All kinds of crazy things.
And I always ended up like hiding them
and putting them on a high shelf.
And then, I think it was my birthday last year,
he gave me a crossbow.
And a real crossbow.
So now I'm announcing this to the world,
but when am I gonna use a crossbow?
And it's apparently like a very nice crossbow
and it's a box, it's completely unassembled in the box.
So I just put the box way on this top shelf, way, way.
And when I say top shelf, I'm 6'4", how tall are you?
6'4". Okay.
I have to stand on a box to reach the top of this shelf
and slide this box up there.
So it's way, way, way up on top of this very, very high shelf
in our garage.
And it's facing the other way,
so you can't even see what it is.
And it's this box and inside it has a disassembled crossbow.
And the other day, my wife is saying,
I think it's just crazy you have that thing in the garage.
And I said, what?
And she said, I mean, anyone breaks into our garage?
And there's a weapon right there.
And I said, what?
And then she said, you know, you could,
someone could come in and they could use
that crossbow against us. And I said, hold? And then she said, you know, you could, someone could come in and they could use that crossbow against us.
And I said, hold on a second.
You're saying someone could come into our garage,
reach, see that box, investigate it,
spend 40 minutes assembling a 14th century weapon
and then come up into our bedroom.
And I said, and menace us?
That's what I used.
I said, menace us with a crossbow
and it got one shot and then I charge.
I was like, okay, that part.
You don't strike me as a charger.
I'm not a charger.
No, you strike me as a target.
No, you strike me as old school cowerer.
Yeah.
Yes.
I feel like an old school, not even new school cowerer.
I'm sorry, I misspoke.
My wife would charge, I would flee.
Fair enough.
Okay. Flee screaming, the money's in there. I can always remarry. I'm sorry, I misspoke. My wife would charge, I would flee. Fair enough. Okay, so-
Flee screaming, the money's in there.
I can always remarry.
I would scream as I fled.
The insurance is in her name.
She has more shoes than you think.
As I flee into the underbrush.
Anyway, I just thought, no, that's not something I,
that's not a, yes, if I had a handgun lying around,
but I don't think that's a legitimate thing
to be worried about.
I want you to weigh in.
I just like the fact that the person breaks into the house,
first of all, you have no security apparently,
which is interesting.
Breaks into the house.
I'd like to get that out there too.
I do not. No security, just,
there's no alarm.
There's no working crossbows.
I don't believe in alarms.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And locks.
Yeah, so.
They don't really work.
So they get to this high shelf, so they're like, so let's say it's like Victor Wimbenjawa
breaks into your house, so he just reaches up and grabs it because he's 7'4".
It would have to be someone very, very tall.
He can see it, he just looks and goes, oh, crossbow right there, pulls it, opens it up,
it's a crossbow, probably not expecting a crossbow, then they pull up a YouTube video
on their phone.
How to assemble this crossbow. And you hear all the like, ah, and in that time,
you and your wife are just deep ambient sleep.
Like no, no.
Deep, deep sleep.
Deep sleep.
And then comes into the bedroom.
And the first thing I would do is I'd be looking
at the crossbow and the person wielding it
and probably noticing that they've missed a step
in the assembly.
And I'd be saying that-
One of those ones you have to step on and pull up?
Oh yeah, I think it's a very complicated,
there's like a ratchet.
Oh my God.
Yeah, I mean, crossbows were always complicated.
That's why we don't still have them around in general.
They very quickly were like, this isn't worth it.
There was a rash of drive-by crossbow firing.
Muskets also, like, didn't last very long.
You better stand there for 20 minutes
while I get this reloaded.
Yeah, that's not, these are not the weapons that-
I'm gonna empty this powder into this, yeah.
But I can guarantee, my wife would not let me have
any style of crossbow assembled or unassembled in the house.
There's one of those.
Well, so you're sort of saying my wife is, you get it.
You get it.
Maybe I was wrong.
I was having fun with the whole thing as I do,
mocking her.
First mistake as a husband.
Yep, robbing her of her agency.
And I was wrong.
I admit now that I was wrong.
Okay, good for you.
But we also have a fully functioning
World War II landmine in the-
It's armed.
And I just thought someone would go to that first,
of course it's armed, dummy.
Okay, sorry.
I'm not gonna buy a dud online.
That thing cost me $600.
Now that I'm with,
because that's fully armed, it's ready to go.
It's ready to go.
I'm always amazed at people that,
I think it's a big thing here in LA
is people that have a lot of weapons in the house.
And I always think that just doesn't go well.
That never is, it doesn't seem like a good idea.
I mean, people forget that California is basically
like Texas with gay people.
You know what I mean?
Like it's not really this sort of like bright blue, whatever.
Most of the state is Texas, so there's a lot of guns here.
Right. There's a lot of guns.
We just sort of have different laws,
but that doesn't mean we don't have the number of guns.
Right, right.
We're just, I mean, but I would, Joel would give me,
he gave me a, were you there, Adam?
He gave me a mace, like a modern interpretation
of a knight's mace.
So it's not the big spiky ball,
but it was this sort of steampunk mace
that someone's making in their basement
and selling them online.
So it's the kind of mace somebody would pitch
on a shark tank.
Exactly.
And I have updated the mace.
Right, and two of the sharks would be interested.
Yeah.
Others, you know, someone's-
Mr. Wonderful's definitely in there.
Mr. Wonderful would be like,
I'm in, but we're doing it my way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You license the mace, Mark Cuban, the Dallas Mavericks,
we don't have a mace in our team store.
I have to say, Mark Cuban is always,
always the one saying, for that reason I'm out.
He always says it almost immediately.
Almost immediately.
He rarely gets involved.
I mean, I'd like this to be a deep dive on Shark Tank.
Oh, okay.
I don't watch any, I don't watch Shark Tank.
I did have a period of time where I was like,
that was the one show I watched.
So there's, I could have done it. I could do a deep dive on Shark Tank, that was the one show I watched. So I could have done it.
I could do a deep dive on Shark Tank.
That was the only show I watched on TV.
Should I quickly explain, Sona showed up today.
She has lost her voice.
She was at an online rave.
I went to a rave.
And this is her real voice right now.
Did you really?
And I just wanted-
Why did I raved it?
In case people don't know,
like they're listening to this interview with this very funny guest.
I wore a candy necklace.
And I'm just, I was, and at one point you were saying like,
I'm not sure I should come in.
And I was praying that you would come in
because it sounds like you're at the bottom
of a very deep hole.
I know it's awful.
I didn't, I felt bad coming in because it is distracting.
I'm a very loud person.
No, I know, I know, I know.
And I'm also mad at you a little bit too, so.
Oh, I do. We beef.
What? We beef?
We beef, we have beef, we have beef.
Because I didn't invite you to the rave.
No, that's the second beef.
We have two beef, we have double beef.
Double beef, two patties.
Two patties of beef.
Our books came out on the same day.
Oh, that's right.
I remember that. But you know what?
I remember that because I saw your name
on the New York Times bestseller list right next to mine.
Yeah.
Except you stayed there longer.
Yeah, that's why the beef is not as hot
as it would have been.
Yeah.
But I did notice, I was like, oh, well, excuse me,
competing on this weird, obscure list
that doesn't make any sense.
I know.
Random assortment of lists written by people
who might be celebrities.
Matt, there are four people at this table.
Two of them are talking about the day
that they were on the New York Times bestseller list.
And you and I don't know what's happening.
No, but we-
We don't experience that.
No, we don't, but we know our World War II minds.
Yeah, yeah, it's the same.
It was a contact mind.
Same. Okay.
Yeah.
So was that a New York Times bestseller rave last night? Then I will be mad. Yeah, it was. Oh, the same. It was a contact mind. Same. Okay. Yeah.
So was that a New York Times bestseller rave last night?
Then I will be mad.
Yeah, it was.
Oh, come on.
All their favorite members on the list were invited.
The guy who wrote the subtle art of not giving a fuck.
Yep, yep.
He was tearing it up.
Was it the atomic, yeah.
He didn't give a fuck.
I just love listening to her like this.
Is there any way, I don't want this to sound
in any way insensitive, but can we do something
to you surgically so you always sound like this?
This is fantastic.
This is so, no, no I don't like this.
I mean they could, I mean.
Yes they could.
You shouldn't, but yes, that is a thing they could.
Well thank you doctor.
You could, it's like Jurassic Park.
You can do it, should you do it is the second question.
Exactly. It's the first time I've seen you kind of vulnerable. It's nice Jurassic Park. You can do it, should you do it, is the second question. Exactly.
It's the first time I've seen you kind of vulnerable.
It's nice, yeah.
It's nice.
I hate it so much.
It's like a pirate who's now in a tiny little canoe.
Yes, yes.
You know, you're used to the pirate being like, argh!
And they've got lots of men with cutlasses,
and you're scared.
And now you've got this little canoe and a little pea shooter.
What the hell?
I'm sorry.
That's what you are now. My god, that's true. She's screaming right now. No one's afraid canoe and a little pea shoe. What the hell? I'm sorry, that's what you are now. Oh my god, I'm sure.
She's screaming right now.
No one's afraid of you.
I'm screaming.
It was like General Patton took a hit off a helium balloon.
You know?
Anyway.
The trick is not to die for your country.
Anyway, come on.
It's to get the other son of a bitch to die for his country.
What else is going on with you?
Yes.
Here's what I want to say, that an area where I do think, first of all, I always bonded with you? Yes. Here's what I wanna say that an area where I do think,
first of all, I always bonded with you over TV.
We just love to watch a lot of television.
We grew up watching a lot of television.
It infected us early.
I think it's where probably we got a lot
of our sense of humor, but you watch a lot of YouTube.
Oh yes.
That is something I don't do nearly as much. How did you find that out? Yes, I do watch a lot of YouTube. Oh yes. That is something I don't do nearly as much.
How did you find that out?
Yes, I do watch a lot of YouTube.
I did find it out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what is it, what do you like to watch on YouTube
that you're not getting on television?
Like what's YouTube giving you that,
and that's not challenging,
cause I just wanna know, like,
should I be watching more YouTube?
I mean, so there's a phenomenon called slow radio,
which is like radio where not much is happening.
YouTube is like slow TV.
So it doesn't have to be a lot happening,
but it just keeps sort of happening in front of you
and you sort of, it can help you settle your brain,
I feel like sometimes.
So it's just not like, like in an era
where every TV show you turn on, it's like,
well, the last episode you got to be like,
where the sopranification of television where you have to-
Yes, yes, you need to know this much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I'm out
I don't have three kids. I'm busy. I can't do all that
Last night. I watched a guy dr. Connor
From he's from the UK and somewhere and he cleaned out somebody's impacted ear
Okay, and he's got a British accent so it's very like light and entertaining you missed the rave for that
Yeah, I missed the rave for that, yeah.
Well, it was a really impacted ear.
He couldn't come.
He was really impacted.
No, he couldn't come, he was impacted.
I started with, I used to watch,
I still do Dr. Pimple Popper,
everybody knows Dr. Pimple Popper,
and then I sort of moved to ears.
The gateway.
Yeah, the gateway to ear, yeah.
So last time, as I was doing-
So you're an ear, nose, and throat man.
I'm an ear, nose, and throat man, yeah.
But then there's just a lot of-
I'm a breast guy, and you're an ear, nose, and throat man. I'm an ear, nose, and throat man, yeah. But then there's just a lot of-
I'm a breast guy and you're an ear, nose, and throat man.
So, and then there's a lot of people,
there's a whole generation of young people growing up
who don't actually even wanna be on TV.
So they're actually spending time and effort to make things
that are very good, that should be on TV maybe,
but these people didn't grow up in a TV generation.
So they're just like, like I watched a four hour video
about plagiarism on YouTube.
Oh really?
Yeah, like four hours, just about plagiarism
as it happens on YouTube by a guy named Hbomberguy.
And I didn't know I was gonna watch all four hours of it,
I was like, ah, let's see what happens,
and then it's like three in the morning,
I'm like holding my phone, like I gotta see how this ends,
does he solve the case?
So they're called video essays,
and so there's like FD Signifier, H. Bomber Guy,
I just discovered Lindsay Ellis.
Like there's all these people who are making these
basically documentaries, but out of their homes on YouTube.
And so it's better that I find it to be more entertaining
than what's on TV generally.
And what about like cooking shows?
Do you ever do cooking shows?
Yeah, who's the guy?
Binging with Babish is good,
because he takes, you would like this,
he takes food that has been on television,
like for example, on The Simpsons, they make something
and he makes it in real life.
And so you get to see like the food
that has been a part of TV shows that he then creates.
I could see that for most any other TV show,
but Simpsons is a cartoon.
So I don't know how they're recreating.
I mean, like if someone goes to Moe's and orders something.
But yeah, like I think like the sandwich,
the famous like the big sandwich that Homer wore.
He makes what he thinks is his version of that.
And he does like soprano stuff and the guff,
like he does a lot of like, yeah.
So yeah, so there's just a variety of things on YouTube.
Like for example, like my daughter wanted to learn
how to ride a bike and I don't know how daughter wanted to learn how to ride a bike and I
don't know how to teach a kid how to ride a bike. And so we were at the park and she's like, I would
have learned today. She's very insistent. Right. And so I Googled easy way to teach kid to ride
bike on YouTube and up tops this video of this guy who's like, here's how you teach a kid how to
ride a bike in five minutes. And it worked in about seven minutes. That's fantastic. I feel like
YouTube gets disrespected because we think we know it.
I think there's a certain thing that's perfect
and that's a perfect application for YouTube.
The ways that I use YouTube are mostly for guitar.
Like there'll be a song that I hear
and I really want to hear it.
And all I have to do is push in,
how do I play that song on the guitar?
And there are nine people there.
Two are always from England, I don't know why.
And they're in their basement and they're showing me how to do it.
And they're being very patient
and I really connect with some of these people.
And I think that's a fantastic use of it.
I think when people are going on YouTube
to learn how to defend themselves legally
in a court of law or remove a cornea,
that's where it's a problem.
Well, yeah, that happened to me. I shouldn't have removed that cornea, you know, that's where it's a problem. Well, yeah, that happened to me.
I shouldn't have removed that cornea, but fair.
Then you went on YouTube, how to put it back.
How to put a cornea back in five minutes,
because I don't have a lot of time.
How do I reattach this cornea?
And life is good.
Not really.
No, here's the thing.
I overheard, I'm coming down the stairs
because I hear you talking to Andy Richter
who's out there hanging out,
taking food from the kitchen.
Yeah, it was like a coworking space.
And selling it online.
And as I was coming down the stairs,
she said, how's it going?
And you said-
I did the thing where you answered honestly
what you're not supposed to do.
You know, like I just sort of,
I forget sometimes that you're supposed to be like,
ah, it's great.
And it's not bad, but you know-
Not in that voice.
No, it's not.
It's great.
Well, that's how you know it's not great.
Everything's fine.
Thanks for asking.
I feel really great about all my life choices
and the state of the world.
It's really growing great. I have no issues. I have nothing. I feel really great about all my life choices in the state of the world. It's growing great
I have no issues nothing. I had three kids. That's perfect number of kids to have
You got a 12 year old a nine-year old a five-year old those ages are all awesome. Yeah, everything's everything's great
Nothing, nothing going wrong mom's 86 things are perfect. Yes life right and I picked the right business to be in, show business!
Yay!
I've made a lot of good choices!
Yeah, no, so things are good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You, I get the sense, correct me if I'm wrong,
you like some chaos.
Oh, no, no, I would-
No, no, no, you like, you like,
I feel like, because you always have,
it always feels to me like you have a bunch of things-
Too many things. Too many things going on at the same time, and you always have, it always feels to me like you have a bunch of things. Too many things.
Too many things going on at the same time,
and you must be drawn to that.
I get very phobic.
People want me to be thinking about
more than one thing at a time,
and I visibly tense up,
because I just wanna think about one thing at a time.
And I feel like you like to put yourself in a position
where, okay, I'm doing this show for ABC,
but I'm doing this special for CNN,
but I'm also doing this and I'm also doing that,
and then I'm building a kiln to make some progress.
Yeah, well, and then I gotta finish that ear impact video.
I mean, I think, my problem is that I'm just curious
about a lot of things, so I definitely do tend
to overload myself with like, oh, I can do this
and I can do that, and then also, again, show business,
you can't be like, I'm gonna do one project
because that's gonna be the one
that is going to pay my bills.
So you're like, I gotta, probably should start
all four of these things and see what happens.
And then I look up and be like, oh my God,
like there's too many things.
Yeah, so I am, unfortunately as an only child,
curious about a lot of things,
can sort of talk myself into any idea,
and often attracted to ideas that are like,
you know, that later I'm like, whose idea was this?
And my wife's like, you're the one who decided to do
a four hour documentary about Bill Cosby.
I'm like, oh, that's right, it wasn't me.
Right.
That never gets a laugh.
It used to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.
You know, I was,
I was like, as being a stand up comic
and who's doing, you have to, I have to make my own gravy,
like the dog food commercial.
Like I can't like wait for somebody else to go,
you're the guy.
You know, I know, I sort of know where I exist
in this business, thankfully.
So I'm not going to get the call where it's like,
we figured out who the next Marvel hero is.
It's you.
It's not going to happen.
So I just know that I have to sort of like do my own thing.
Yeah.
Also the training involved and the dieting.
Yeah.
That's why I haven't done it.
Oh, really?
That's the reason.
Only reason.
Yeah.
Every day they call, are you ready?
Are you ready?
What are they offering you?
What role?
Yeah.
And let them pick.
You can have your pick.
Yeah.
Well, apparently Captain Marvel had a,
is it a Captain Marvel?
Yeah, but it's a woman.
It's a woman.
Yeah, well she has a great grandmother.
And I could play her.
Grandmarvel.
Yeah, with a prominent eye vein and thin lips.
So, but also I had to get in kick-ass shape for that.
Oh boy.
No, I just-
Is this kick-ass shape?
Oh, it's so nasty. I just didn't know, I just don't know. for that. No, I just- Is this kick-ass shape? Yeah.
Oh, man.
I just didn't know, I just don't know.
I don't know, I don't know.
Clearly you took your glasses off.
You can't see.
I just was-
You're sitting opposite an incredible male specimen.
I'm sure, I just didn't know.
Didn't know.
I was just making sure that I could judge
what you think kick-ass shape is.
There's waves of testosterone coming off my body right now.
Right, Sona?
No, there isn't. I don't know.
She's like, there's not a wave.
I think it's your body deflecting testosterone.
Oh, that's it.
That's it.
It's testosterone trying to.
Repulant.
Yeah.
Testosterone is passing through your body.
If there's any testosterone in the air,
my body repels it immediately and makes a cloud.
Yeah, I'm just, Sona, I'm enjoying this.
I'm so glad you like it. Yeah. I like when you go, ooh, burn. That was really satisfying. Yeah, that'm just, Sona, I'm enjoying this. I'm so glad you like it.
Yeah.
I like when you go, ooh, burn.
That was really satisfying.
Yeah, yeah, that was good.
That was really good.
Who do you sound like?
Move on.
Move on?
Who is it?
Move on.
It's someone from the, it's like Marlon Brando when he's dying in The Godfather, you know?
Okay.
It is someone who's bleeding out.
Yeah.
It's someone who just has maybe another minute to live
and is like, my killer was...
And then nothing.
And then I die.
Yeah, Chaz Palminteri.
Oh God.
Is that what you're getting?
Chaz Palminteri.
I'm getting a little Chaz Palminteri.
Shut up, Leigh.
Oh, that actually worked with like, yeah,
I'm gonna go ahead and say, I hate.
It is Chaz Palminteri from like, a Bronx tale.
No, it's not.
It is, it's Bronx tale Chaz Palminteri.
Is it?
And by the way, when you leaned in and said,
I'm getting a little Chaz Palminteri,
I thought, if in a different context,
that could mean something very different.
You know what I mean?
Say, now yous can't leave.
Now yous can't leave.
Yeah, it's Chaz.
You know what, Tac says I sound like the pervert
from The Family Guy.
Oh!
Yeah, don't know what he's talking about.
No, I don't, that's why I went, oh!
But he's getting a little Chaz momentary.
Yeah.
Oh, that's your fake.
Blending in, yeah.
That's your fake identity.
Oh, I do that when I, and I don't know what's going on,
when people say like, yeah, well,
the Environmental Protection Agency made that ruling
in 1974, and I go, oh, yeah go, oh yeah, yeah, sure they did.
It's not gonna talk anymore.
No, no, no, we love it.
Keep chiming in.
No, no, okay.
This gig you're working on now, you're a guest correspondent
on this ABC show that you were a fan of already
called What Would You Do?
I mean, yeah, this show, What Would You Do?
It's been on the air, It's for like 15 seasons.
It's one of those shows that like a lot of people don't think about, but if you describe it to me like,
oh, yeah, I've seen that show. It's like it's John Quinones sets up these sort of like prank things,
but always with like a sense of like will people help? And so it's been on the air for a long time.
It's big on social media. It's big with TikTokers.
But it's like it's so because there's all these short clips of seeing people in awkward situations
trying to figure out what people would respond to that situation. with TikTokers, but it's like, so, cause there's all these short clips of seeing people in awkward situations,
trying to figure out what people would respond
to that situation.
So I've seen it and thought it was a good show,
but never in any way thought that I would be invited
to be a part of it, but I got a call,
cause the skills that I think I've developed
over the years seem to be applicable to this.
So, and I got to film it in Mobile, Alabama,
which is my dad's hometown, so.
So you said, I want to film this.
Did you choose Mobile or was it just a nice coincidence?
I mean, they knew I was from Mobile.
They chose it for me.
I think also because John was like,
I'm not going to Alabama.
And you can only film it in certain states
because you can't do hidden camera shows
like you can't do in California.
So of course you can do them anywhere in the South
because the laws are just, you know, like so.
There are no laws.
The times I've seen the show,
I think I saw one where there was either a pregnant woman
or a woman pretending to be pregnant
and her husbands or her partners berating her for like,
you gotta lose weight.
And they're just trying to see
if anyone is gonna do anything.
Yeah.
And it's nice,
because I always like it obviously
when people rise to the occasion.
Yeah, I think it's certainly,
you know, we live in this time of like,
I mean, it's been overstated.
It's the most divided, it's the most polarized,
and it just sort of shows that like,
people will generally step up if they can help
in some small way, you know.
It's not a similar crossbow level of help,
but if there's some sort of like, I can tell you to like,
I see you being taken advantage of, let me help you out.
So yeah, it's heartwarming at a time of heart coldening,
this country. Are you a... This gets tricky, but I always lean slightly optimistic even during
these times and sometimes I get shit for that, but I do read a lot of history and I'm reading a book
now about 19th century and an election where the country's completely divided and one side thinks the other side cheated
and there's a lot of misinformation
and Samuel Tilden thinks that he won the presidency
but there's this massive fight between Hayes and Tilden
and I'm reading it and going, oh, we've been here before.
Like I keep reading things and thinking
we've been here before, the difference being now
that we have the internet,
but I try to always maintain some calm, but unfortunately my rallying cry is, hey everybody,
things have always been kind of shitty.
Take it easy.
It was, you know, there was a lot of misinformation, cruelty, you know, and just overall cruddiness
for hundreds of years.
And that doesn't seem to cheer people up.
If the country can overcome Samuel Tilden, like you all remember how hard that was.
Yeah, it was a big deal.
It was a big deal.
People were bringing weapons to Congress
and threatening each other.
What, I can't even imagine.
And I was reading about it and I was thinking,
wait a minute, this is madness.
This is, you know, we've done this before.
I mean, I always feel like optimism only means something
if people are doing the work to make
that the optimism makes sense.
So I think that like, I think some people like
to use optimism as a way to sort of go,
it's gonna be fine.
Anyway, back to love at first sight
or whatever that show is, you know, like,
anyway, back to this video,
this guy getting this crud out of this ear.
But I think that if you're not literally,
and I'm doing the work to make things better,
or you're not in some way putting yourself out there
to help, then the optimism is ill-founded.
But as a student of history, you also know,
no country's on top forever.
So I feel like we might be in the,
so I think the world might be fine,
but America might be like, you know, over.
Oh, but we didn't.
Jesus.
We've spent all the time we have for today.
I'm gonna wrap things up now.
How come that makes me laugh so much?
But wait a minute, how come, how come,
but then the question is,
what does it mean when they say it's over?
Like sometimes people say to me,
oh, there's gonna be a civil war.
And I say, well, it's not gonna be 1861
where the country's divided
over a fairly neatly defined Mason-Dixon line
and you've got Northern and Southern States.
It's gonna be Oxnards fighting with Malibu.
Like it's gonna be-
I'd like to see that channel.
Exactly, but do you know what I mean?
It's- Yeah, yeah.
I don't understand how there's a,
and then I also feel like, yes, people are really riled up,
but they're also gonna wanna still be able to go
to their ATM and get their money
and then go to that movie they wanna see or whatever.
They're gonna wanna go to that restaurant they want.
I don't see what it looks like.
What is the Civil War gonna look like?
This one.
I think that, I don't know exactly how it plays out,
but I do think that there's,
like when people go to see Rome, what are you going to see?
What are the things that the tourists wanna see?
Like the ruins of what used to be.
So I think you might be like,
this used to be a restaurant I went to.
They have the Coliseum.
And you're saying that we're gonna be-
SoFi Stadium.
Well, that's it, okay, all right.
I was picturing like a cheesecake factory
that has got vines growing all over it.
This was a food court.
You can imagine they had Italian food,
but also Greek food, but also-
It's called 7-Eleven, but it was open 24 hours.
But go ahead, you were making a serious point.
No, I don't have to do that.
No, no, I wanna hear it.
No, I think that like, even think about this,
like with immigration, this country was whatever it was
because we had the best publicist going who said, if you're smart somewhere in the world, go to America and you can then make,
you can then be the best version of yourself. And so we got credit for a lot of people coming
here to then give us their talents and then be American, you know?
And now I think if you're, if you're some smart kid growing up somewhere on the other
side of the planet, you're like, is that really, is America the place I wanna go?
So then some other place becomes that place.
And I don't know what that place is.
I Google every day, like what's the new America?
Yeah, where are they going?
Because I still think when I travel around,
that I do think people are still interested
in coming to the United States.
No, I just think, but yeah.
You're just looking ahead, you're saying.
I'm looking post-November, that's all I'm doing.
Oh, I thought you meant the near future. I'm just thinking, but yeah, but I just think- You're just looking ahead, you're saying- I'm looking post-November, that's all I'm doing.
Oh, I thought you meant the near future.
Oh, we're okay.
Yeah, we did.
I've got till November.
Actually, I get this question a lot, like,
are you hopeful, come out?
And people want me to be helpful
because I think that means they don't have to do anything.
Yeah, I want you to be, that's why I asked you.
Yeah, yeah, you were like, come in, it's fine.
I want you to say it's fine,
so then I can go yogurt shopping.
Yeah, exactly. And then- And that's why I'm just on, it's fine. I want you to say it's fine, so then I can go yogurt shopping. Yeah, exactly.
And then.
And that's why I'm just like, that's fine.
I'm looking for a gated community
that has three gates.
One inside the other.
And then you could say, I don't have an alarm system,
I just have three gates.
I have nine gates.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I don't know.
It doesn't have to be this way.
Like there are things we can do No, I don't know. I, I, I, I, I wasn't- It doesn't have to be this way.
Like there are things we can do to make this,
to make this country better than it is,
but we have to be invested in outcomes
that are outside of just if it's better for us in particular.
And Americans have a hard time with that, you know?
So like you drive through cities
and you see sites of things that go,
this didn't used to look like this,
or these people didn't used to live like this in this way.
And we drive past and you go, well, good luck to those people.
But you know, I think that like,
we have to be invested in the success of the community.
And I think one thing that's happened
politically in this country is a lot of people
in this country are really uninvested in community.
They're more invested in themselves.
Right. Yeah.
It's very easy for people to just surf online
and be made enraged.
Because if you let the algorithm run you,
the algorithm will always push you towards anger.
Yes.
So the algorithm runs on us all.
You're more likely to be like,
I hate that guy and click to the next thing.
They're like, isn't that nice?
So I think that like, that's why it's on both sides
is because if you're getting,
if you're sort of really like locked in on social media,
you will be angry all day.
So for me, when I post on social media,
I try to give people an opportunity to engage or help
instead of just, isn't this sad?
Isn't this terrible?
Or at least, or laugh, like isn't this funny?
I think isn't this funny is way better
than isn't this sad with no help attached to it.
Right. Yeah.
Well, I think, I mean, that brings it back to comedians.
I think comedians are the real heroes.
Oh, God.
Oh, dear.
Isn't that where we were going?
Yeah, that's it.
I think if there's any superheroes in this world.
True.
I don't need that gig.
If there's anybody who really,
I mean, the true Purple Heart winners
are the comedians in basements
and nightclubs around this country.
No, no, no, no, no, just specific ones with podcasts.
Oh, oh, well, podcasting is really the real.
Yeah, that's the real hero.
First of all, just even getting a podcast shows
that you've really decided to become a hero.
Yeah, and the heroes used to be late night hosts
and then about two and a half years ago,
I feel like it switched over.
Yeah, it's weird.
Yeah, who can say why?
Yeah, yeah.
So on this show, did you get to be in on
what these scenarios would be?
I got to sort of like guide them
and sort of like put my two cents in.
And it's funny when you watch the show,
because John Kenyotis is really like managing the show
over his like on a device, like tell them to say this.
And I'm watching like I'm watching the show in real time,
like, ooh, don't do that.
Ah, that's it.
Like I'm really like, I'm watching it like in real time like oh don't do that Ah, that's like I'm really like I'm watching it like a viewer and because my dad's from Alabama
I felt really like connected to like don't embarrass me Alabama because as we all know
Alabama's good for embarrassing itself. So when Alabama looks good. I'm like, it's like they scored a touchdown. I'm like
On the license plate
Because Alabama really goes. That's on the license plate, by the way.
Alabama goes way out of its way.
That's their motto.
And I've been texting people in Alabama,
like, can I still come home?
Can I still walk around?
How old were you when you left Alabama?
I mean, I never, I've been gone my whole life.
So I never like was, I just, like I used to go every summer.
I used to like, and I lived there for two and a half years,
but I've never like lived there for a whole period of time.
Am I wrong?
I would feel like summer would be the time
to take a break from Alabama.
That's gotta be brutal.
My mom felt summer was the time
to ship her son off to Alabama
so she could enjoy her summer.
Oh.
That was how my mom was like,
go visit your dad so you can connect with your dad.
And so I grew up thinking that my mom never-
You should be very close to the equator.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I grew up thinking my mom never had a social life, but she's like, no, I did that my mom never. You should be very close to the equator. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I grew up thinking my mom never had a social life,
but she's like, no, I did that in the summers.
That's when I was out doing fun things,
is when I would send you to your dad's in Alabama.
So yeah.
Were you an only child?
I'm an only child.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can't, I don't know, I can only imagine.
And trust me, as a child, I spent a lot of time imagining.
When I ever find these sad only children who are like,
I wish I had, I'm like, I had none of that.
I was so happy to be an only child.
I feel like you get to have your own thoughts.
You get to be, you get to think your own things.
You get to do your own thing.
Like I have three daughters
and they're always just fighting about nonsense.
And I'm like, and sometimes I'm like,
I say to my middle kid, yeah,
it was great to be an only child.
So I understand what you're dealing with right now
because this, I wouldn't want to put up
with any of this nonsense.
Explain your fascination.
I think you need to explain it
because it makes sense to me.
But I want to talk to you about Denzel Washington
because you've devoted a chunk of your life
to Denzel Washington.
Yes, an incredible actor, a very good-
Yes, an incredible actor?
Like, yes.
Yeah, Michael Jordan, pretty good at basketball.
I didn't say pretty good.
I said- You said like, yes, an incredible actor. Well, yes, I'm just saying, but. Yeah, Michael Jordan, pretty good at basketball. I didn't say pretty good. I said incredible.
You said, like, yes, an incredible actor.
Well, yes, I am just saying, but there are,
what is it about Denzel Washington specifically?
Well, me and my friend Kevin Avery,
who's also a comedy writer and actor,
had a podcast for years called Denzel Washington
Is the Greatest Actor of All Time Period,
because we felt we needed to declare
that he was the greatest actor of all time period,
because he clearly is, and he did not
get the respect at the time.
So I just think that, like, you know,
it feels weird.
We're like, why is chocolate delicious?
I don't know, Conan.
Well, I don't like chocolate.
Yeah.
Very awkward.
You're the weird one.
You're the weird one.
Yeah.
That's stupid.
I love that you sort of tried to gasp,
and it just sounded like one of those people
that has a hole in their throat.
Come on.
Yeah, it just sounded like a tea kettle
that had no water in it.
I'm like Debbie from the smoking commercial.
There you go.
With the hole in her throat.
That's what you are.
Yeah.
There you go.
We figured it out.
Can you just say, I smoked for 20 years?
I smoked for 20 years.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's a good laugh.
Terrible cancer. Anyway. Oh, my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Oh, that's a good laugh. For real?
Terrible cancer.
Anyway.
Oh my God.
Well, I hope you're happy.
I'm just saying I sound like Debbie.
Yeah, I think it's terrible.
Okay.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Has Denzel ever been on the podcast?
He has not.
I don't think I've ever met him.
Does he do podcasts?
That's one of the things I like about him.
He doesn't do any of the, he doesn't have to.
Yeah, and he doesn't need to.
No, he's that last Arab actor
who doesn't have to have social media,
doesn't have to, even when he wins awards,
he's not that impressed with it.
He does a lot of game shows.
He does a lot, he's the new host of Family Feud.
He's taking over for Steve Harvey.
He has so much class and dignity,
I'm just picturing him doing stuff on Nickelodeon,
getting slimed, and being like,
this is what you gotta do!
Gotta get the word out on the enforcer or whatever.
I don't know.
Equalizer.
Equalizer, okay, sorry, that's all right.
No, I just think he's, I think me and my friend Kevin
would realize that we were talking about Denzel a lot
and we realized that we didn't hear other people
talking about him as much and we just felt like
nobody ever thinks of him as being one of the,
I mean, maybe he's not the greatest,
but nobody thinks of him really as being
among the greatest actors of all time period.
But he gets respect, I'm thinking.
I feel like Denzel Washington gets a lot of respect.
But whenever you talk about the greatest actors,
there's like a sort of a crew of like De Niro,
and Pacino, and like, and you know,
DiCaprio, all the O actors.
Well, yeah.
He's more consistent than all three of them.
Yes, and has been a box, and he's still a box office draw
even though he's getting up there.
But he's like, and I think the issue that he has had
is because of Hollywood and the racism of Hollywood,
that he's just not, he's not seen
as being in that same lane.
And so I feel like we were just like,
we need to claim him and also give him his flowers
before he passes, because when he goes away,
there's gonna be like a ton of like,
he's the greatest thing.
But I felt like I would like him to hear it now, even though it was embarrassing when I found out he had heard about the oh he did hear about it
Yeah, well so first Kevin met him at some event in LA and at that point I had my first TV show
So Kevin was like, oh, yeah me and my friend Debbie my bill. I have a podcast about you. He goes that was my bill
That's that brothers always talking about me on the internet
From little sluggies accusing me of being like,
don't show up at my house.
Like yeah.
And Kevin said he didn't see,
he just seemed like, oh yeah,
we've put him on our list.
Like we know that he's,
and then I got to go to his,
the AFI tribute to Denzel Washington,
and they invited me to it.
So I was like, well, at least I'm not on the bad list.
And my wife's like, you have to meet him.
You have to go meet him.
And I was like, I just can't, I feel weird.
I did this podcast.
I wasn't doing the podcast anymore,
but I felt weird about it.
I can't go talk to, and she's like, you have to.
And so she literally like picked me up,
not literally picked me up,
because she's not bigger than me,
but she's like, we have to go.
So she escorted me over, it was during a break.
And like, Julia Roberts is there, Spike Lee is there.
It's like all these famous people.
And I'm walking over in this rented tuxedo,
and Denzel is talking to Spike Lee,
and I'm sort of standing over there,
and Spike Lee looks at me, who I've met before,
and then Spike Lee says something to Denzel,
and this woman who's a journalist says something
to Denzel like this, and Denzel looks at me
and looks at Spike Lee.
I don't know if I can say this
on the Conan O'Brien podcast, what he said.
Sure, yeah you can.
Go for it, you can say anything.
Denzel looks at me and goes, my nigga.
No.
Oh.
That's cool.
First time that's been said on this podcast.
I was gonna say, yeah,
not since the Harrison Ford episode.
Uh.
Uh.
Uh. Uh. Uh. Harrison Ford episode. Uh... ALL LAUGHING
Yeah, I don't know why I was said so often on that podcast.
No, it was so weird. Yeah.
That's why I started paying attention.
And, like, Vince stands up and, like, he actually said,
and I don't know if he still feels the same way,
but in that moment he said, he's like,
-"I love you." Because at that point,
I was doing United Shades of America,
and so I think he really started to understand me
through that show, not through the sycophantic podcast.
And then I, you know, and I wept and that's it.
That's really nice, I like that story.
It's a great, yeah, it's sort of when I tell it
I feel a little embarrassed even telling it.
Oh well, no, I mean, I think it's a great story.
Except for the nigger part, I was really excited to say that
in front of this room full of people.
That's two times now.
Well, you said I could say it,
so now I'm gonna say it all the time.
And now I'm gonna invite everybody to say it.
One, two, three.
I've never seen a room clear out that fast.
My voice is going.
Oh, nice!
That's my move.
So I was like, my voice is coming back.
Ah!
Sona might have said it a couple times today
and we wouldn't have heard it.
It just sounded like a little burp.
Just to be clear for everybody listening on YouTube, that's with the A, the soft A, not the hard E-R. I've said it a couple of times today and we wouldn't have heard it. It just sounded like a little burp.
Just to be clear for everybody listening on YouTube,
that's with the A, the soft A, not the hard E-R.
It's the rap version.
You brought up something that I've thought about recently,
which is these people who are just amazing pass away.
And then everybody talks about them
and says things that they'll never hear.
Comedy icons pass on, and then everybody says,
oh my God, weren't they absolutely amazing?
And I think, isn't there a way?
You're angling on this for yourself, right?
I'm just saying I don't feel well today.
I've got a little bit of a sniffle,
so maybe let's pretend I'm dying.
I've got a little bit of a...
No, no, no, no, please, please, no.
But what I'm saying is I did feel that,
I felt that way a couple of times, for example, with like no, no, please, please, no. But what I'm saying is I did feel that, I felt that way a couple of times,
for example, with like Norm MacDonald,
who I thought was such a brave and unusual comedian,
and he was not being discussed at all
and wasn't being talked about
and wasn't part of the conversation.
Then he dies and everybody comes out and says,
what a remarkable, remarkably unique comedic voice that we'll never see
again.
And I thought, well, I don't like this system.
But he would have hated that.
He would have hated it, but also he should hear it.
And also even people that hate it kind of need to hear it, I think, sometimes.
For sure.
I agree with that.
So anyway-
I think it just happened with Carl Weathers.
I think that for the certain generation of people,
whether it's from the Rocky movies or from Happy Gilmore,
Carl Weathers or Arrest Development,
he really sort of, there's something he does specifically
that really sheds, that is joyful and exciting.
And you sort of, then he passes away and you're like,
oh, we never, we never.
I have a nice memory,
which is a couple of years ago,
I got invited to something Adam Sandler was having,
and it was a bunch of people that he knew, party event.
I go over to like the line to get food,
and standing in line, I realize,
it's Carl Weathers is right next to me.
And I was awestruck because I was 13 or 12
when Rocky came out.
I love, love Carl Weathers.
And I'm, so I talked to him for a little bit.
He could not have been nicer.
He was great.
And then I said to him, you have no idea, Carl,
I'm leaving this event and I'm calling my brothers
and saying, I just hung out with Carl Weathers.
And this is a party that all these people are at.
And he was like, oh, well, thank you.
And I'm like, no, no, no, you don't understand.
I mean, I was, so I was happy that when he passed,
I didn't, you know, didn't even know that he was ill
and this is what happens these days.
These people touch your life.
They're cool.
He was also on Arrested Development playing himself
and he was absolutely fucking, literally hilarious. And you've heard the story that sort of the, These people touch your life, they're cool. He was also on Arrested Development playing himself
and he was absolutely fucking, really hilarious.
And you've heard the story that sort of the,
oh, you can turn that into a soup or what is that.
You can get a stew going.
That was like, it was his idea to play the broke version
of Carl Weathers.
Yes, he'd beat Carl Weathers and he's just very,
he's been an actor all his life
and he's very economical about, get these sandwiches
and you know what, you can put them in your pocket
and you finish with that.
And there's one point where this total chaos breaks out
in some scene on Arrested Development
and he's running away and he's got the foil swan
that you get when food, you've had them wrap up the food
you didn't eat.
I'm like, right now, fleeing with the foiled swan You've had them wrap up the food you didn't eat.
Right now, fleeing with the foiled swan.
I feel like it's important to put that stuff out there,
because you just never know.
It's like Tracy Chapman coming back recently,
and suddenly being like, it's this great moment
of her at the Grammys, and we're all like,
we love you, we haven't seen you, we just want to say.
We get to sort of like flutter with love.
She's like, great, I'm going back to the supermarket
and home, you know what I mean?
She doesn't necessarily seem to need it either,
but it feels good collectively to express positivity
in a time when that doesn't get rewarded.
It almost feels like it's for us more than it's for them
sometimes in a weird way.
Yeah, well, sometimes you get reminded
of how important a person is.
When you, like for example, Tracy Chapman in Fast Car,
it's like a lot of people are like,
I forgot how much this meant to me,
and so I'm glad that this song
and this opportunity reminded me of it.
But often that doesn't happen until they pass away.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I'm gonna want you to really step up when I go.
Oh boy.
Okay?
I'm gonna write some stuff for you.
Okay, please do, please do.
I'd rather have it pre-written so I don't mess around.
And also so you have something to say.
No one, no one influenced my life more
than Conan O'Brien.
As a child I looked up to him
even though we're close in age.
He was the Denzel Washington of very white Irish Catholic.
He was the Michael Jordan of Denzel Washington's very white Irish Catholic.
He was the Michael Jordan of Denzel Washington.
Oh my God.
Well, you know what?
I love having you on the podcast
because you are a force for good.
You have such positivity and I just,
I always feel better after I talk to you,
even when you give me tons of shit, which I deserve.
So thank you so much.
And I'm gonna be looking for you
because I do like this show.
I know you sometimes take on too much,
but I like everything you do.
So I'm rooting for you to do more.
Thank you.
It's funny when busy people tell me I take on too much.
I'm like, man, I'm in trouble.
Conan O'Brien thinks I take on too much.
I think I need to settle down.
I have a line of genes that I'm coming out with.
And they're terrible.
That's yes, well thank you.
Anyway, God bless you.
Thank you.
Go clean up your house, not your apartment.
Get your shit together.
And before I go, one, two, three,
let's all say the N-word.
Woo!
Woo!
Woo! Okay. So far, I think Sona's doing the best she can.
Right.
With the voice issue.
Yeah.
And when I say doing the best you can,
I'm not saying it's good because it's really.
It's good. I don't know, what do you do? How do you do the best you can without a voice? I don't know, I'm like an it's good, because it's really... It's gone. I don't know what to do.
How do you do the best you can without a voice?
I don't know, I'm like an old trooper.
Like, you know, many times I've had to do shows
in front of thousands of adoring fans
paying huge ticket prices, and...
They're huge and all.
Yeah, I enlist her.
But anyway...
Those are empty seats.
I, uh...
There's something even more powerful about this voice
cutting him down.
There were empty seats.
It's never an empty seat.
I know who the voice is now from Godfather.
It's Pentangeli.
Yes, Frank Pentangeli.
Yeah.
Frankie Five Angels.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know the Roman Empire.
Michael.
Michael.
Yeah.
But anyway, that's nice.
For the Godfather.
Well, it's Godfather, part two.
Okay. Um...
What were you gonna say?
Sorry? What were you gonna say? Sorry?
I was going to say that many times,
is it not true you saw me having vocal problems
and I had to do a big show?
And you know what? I did them.
And you know what I did? I knocked them flat.
I went out there, I gargled with my honey,
I went out there and I gave them the best show they ever saw.
First of all, you had me.
I made your throw code every single day.
You did.
Second, every time you spoke, I was like,
Connie, you have to stop talking because of your voice.
I don't have that.
But would I? Would I stop talking?
No, but it was a nice way to get you to stop talking.
And then another time, you went and actually
saw some doctors who looked and made sure that you didn't
have any permanent damage. I haven't done that.
Where's my sona?
Oh, I see. Who's looking after you?
Who's looking after me?
Well, you have to understand, there's a certain hierarchy here.
And I need to be protected at all costs.
And I do care about you, but, you know,
if something happens, it happens.
We get someone else in there.
So, no, David Hopping is the one that
should be looking after you.
Where's David? Why doesn't he look after me?
Well, this is hilarious.
David Hopping doesn't show up at work yesterday.
He's the one that's filling in for Sona, right?
Taking over Sona's responsibilities.
Yeah, he's just doing them.
Listen, he tells me he can't come in
because he's at the hospital.
I'm like, what's going on?
He's like, my foot, I can't put any because he's at the hospital. I went, what's going on?
He's like, my foot, I can't put any weight on it.
They're wrapping it right now.
And I said, what did you do?
Meaning, you fell.
And he says, I don't know.
I woke up and got out of bed
and my foot couldn't take any weight.
He doesn't even know.
So one assistant, no voice,
who's a big part of a podcast.
And then I needed him to do a bunch of stuff.
And he doesn't even know what happened.
What is wrong with that generation?
I don't know, but you guys should combine
to be one body that works and one voice that works.
Yeah, I'll be his feet, he'll be my voice.
Yes, you carry him, he'll be the voice.
Yes.
I gotta carry, like on a back.
Is David here?
Like in a backpack?
David, get David in here.
Hobble in here, David. Hey, yeah a backpack. David, get David in here. Hobble in here, David.
Hey, yeah.
David.
David, shuffle on in here.
Oh, here, have a seat right here.
Now, we're talking about the fact that I have two assistants.
Some of you listening may think that's excessive,
but please, when you get to the top
of the world's highest pyramid in entertainment,
that's what happens.
Yeah, when you get these two assistants.
So, Sona's voice doesn't work.
Gimpy and squeaky.
Yeah, we got Gimps and Squeaks.
Hey, it's a new radius, new podcast.
Gimps and Squeaks.
It's Gimps and Squeaks.
You guys should have a drive time morning show.
My foot hurts.
I can't hear you, I can't hear you.
He's hoping his foot hurts, he can't even hear it.
Listen, no, he just keeps yelling my foot hurts.
David, you're a young man.
Thank you.
You're supposed to be, you're a healthy guy
and then you took yesterday off
to go to the hospital and get your,
because you couldn't put any weight on your foot
and you have no idea what happened.
No.
So nothing, so you got out of bed
and you tried to stand up and what happened?
Well, I got out of bed fine. I like spent most and what happened? Well, I got out of bed fine.
I like spent most of the day fine.
And then I got off the couch later that night
and that was it.
That was it.
It was all done.
That was it.
I was dead.
That's nice.
What?
How this story should go.
Like you got bit by a black widow or something.
No, it's just my ankle just gave out.
I had gone out the night before.
Okay, this is where it gets interesting.
And what were you doing the night before?
I went to a friend's birthday party.
There was a DJ there.
So I did dance for probably four hours.
Oh, for God's sake, David.
Well, the night before I went to the old Boulder toss.
What do you mean you never told me that?
You went dancing?
Because like then the next day it was fine until the night.
So like, I feel like if I had done something dancing,
wouldn't I have noticed right away?
No, because there's the high that you get
when you're at a rave and you're dancing
and you're having a lot of fun.
And then it takes a while.
You know a lot about raves?
Yeah, when you know about the high at a rave.
Name one rave you've been to.
Oh, please.
I went to one in 74.
It was fantastic.
Blew the roof off that place.
We all ate a lot of high carb foods.
Who's the DJ?
Who spun around, what's that?
You spun around.
DJ Jackie Jones, he was fantastic.
Wolfman Jack.
Yeah, it was great.
You know I'm loathe to be on your side.
I know you are.
This is not something I'm comfortable with.
You're not comfortable with it.
I think you need new assistants.
I do.
No, because listen, this guy's bones are made of marzipan.
And then, you know, squeaky from over here in the corner.
You know, you're just, it's, it's, these are my,
these are my people.
You represent me in the world.
And you're both busted.
You're broken.
I think this is pretty appropriate.
Yeah.
Yeah, these are your two reps right here.
That's true.
Oh, you mean reflecting a damaged career, a broken man.
We didn't say that.
Well, please, read the trades.
What I'm saying?
It's the cover of variety this morning.
I worry about you, David, because you are way too young to have your bones just snapping.
Yeah, it's weird.
Okay, everything's fine.
Yeah, you're like, that's ridiculous.
Everything's fine.
I'm fine. And then me. She's fine. Well, then you, I don't know's weird. Everything's fine. You're like, that's ridiculous. Everything's fine.
And then-
And then me.
She's fine.
Well then you, I don't know what's gonna happen with you.
If your voice doesn't get better very soon, you're fired.
Oh, my God.
I think I'm, right?
I'm allowed to say that.
This is your lifeblood now.
This is your whole vocation.
No, no, no.
A tack has karate to fall back on.
What if I-
You can chop wood with his hand.
This chopped wood is fantastic.
A karate chop!
Thank you Tack.
My wife wouldn't let me go have karate lessons
twice a week, ever.
You are hosting a show.
Yeah, I'm hosting a show because America demanded it!
America insisted upon it.
They needed their fix of sweet cone.
Oh God.
28 years of the cone zone, that sweet orange goo.
Anyway, I do hope, well, I don't mean it.
I'm gonna say it anyway,
because it's something I've seen caring people say stuff
like this and I'm gonna mimic it.
I hope that you both feel better soon.
Thanks, Forrest Gump.
I worry about you both.
And I wish the best for you.
I think our bodies are just giving out naturally.
From this job?
Because of this job.
What if you both go to doctors independently
and they run tests on your immune systems
and they say, do you work with Conan O'Brien?
Yes.
It's an epidemic.
And then they look under the microscope
and there's little Conan heads
that are eating your white blood cells,
gobbling them and going,
hot shot, hot shot, hot shot, hot shot!
Yeah, Gorley's next?
No, Gorley's immune.
Oh no, it's in him, it's in him!
No, I have little Gorleys in my body.
You have little Gorleys in your body.
Little Gorleys running around.
You work with Matt Gorley.
He's destroying your white blood cell count.
I do hope you both feel better, honestly, seriously.
No, I don't. No, you like it.
I tried it one last time and it didn't work.
I sent you a note and I was like, my voice is gone.
I don't know if I should come into work.
And you were like, oh, nice.
Please don't come into work.
Hold on a second.
I love it when we see, here I got it.
Goryl.
This is what I sound like today.
I hope that's okay.
My voice was completely gone yesterday
and this is what it is now.
I still planning to come to work.
I'm ready to work.
Most passive aggressive.
I just sound real stupid.
Here we go.
Whenever you get a chain, here's the chain.
You texted, you were losing your voice,
you're worried about it.
And I wrote back, we can make this work for us!
Exclamation point.
That's the first thing you said.
That's the first thing I said.
Then Matt, of course, texts that he's concerned
about your health.
Aw.
And then I wrote a joke.
I thought you lost your voice speaking at your normal level.
I'm still not being nice.
And then you say, I'm not sick.
I was congested Friday.
And then I write, got it.
I have advanced syphilis, but I'm told that's common.
You write back, we all knew that.
You have a syphilis vibe.
And I say, this is all this morning.
It's called the syphs.
It's like the Riz, only you go insane
and die in a 19th century sanitarium.
To which I got a ha ha, I think from Matt Gorley.
Oh God.
Anyway, those are our normal texts
that we don't think anyone's ever going to see.
Does it upset you when people put ha ha
instead of typing ha ha?
I'll take whatever.
Okay.
I don't care.
If my obituary comes out and it's online
and someone puts ha ha on top, I count that as a laugh.
All right, we'll feel better you guys.
And I mean that the way someone would who cares.
Okay, so I guess thanks.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow and
Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwulf.
Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer
Samples.
Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnik.
Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read
on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan?
Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847
and leave a message.
It too could be featured on a future episode.
And if you haven't already,
please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend
wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.