Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Zach Woods
Episode Date: March 11, 2024Actor and comedian Zach Woods feels “pick me” about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Zach sits down with Conan to discuss why being smart is overrated, his new stop-motion animated series In The... Know, getting hooked on jazz from an old CD-ROM game, and unintentional overshares. Plus, Conan takes on his own team in an arm-wrestling contest. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: (669) 587-2847.
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Hi, my name is Zach Woods.
And I feel pick me about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
What?
Pick me girl is someone who is like sort of self-consciously quirky as a way of differentiating
themselves from the masses so that people are like, ooh, she's interesting.
In this scenario, you're the pick me girl.
Yeah, I'm the pick me girl.
I'm gonna just feign a kind of casual nonchalance
while underneath I'm desperate for your approval
and the approval of everybody here.
Yeah.
Thanks. Well, brandy shoes, walking lose, climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
I am the aforementioned Conan O'Brien, mysterious man,
from the past, possibly the future, joined by Matt Gorley.
You're from the future? I could be. We just don't know. I've got past, possibly the future, joined by Matt Gorley. You're from the future?
I could be.
We just don't know.
I've got a beef with the future.
No, in the future, everything's great.
We solve all those problems people are worried about.
So they banished you from the future?
I was the last exist.
They fix global warming, all wars have stopped.
There's no income inequality.
And then they looked around and said, what else? And I was standing there. And I
said, yeah, what else? The next thing I knew I was being
tossed into a time machine. So here I am anyway. And Sona's not
with us today. She's a little under the weather, but we are
joined by her replacement and who can really replace Sona. So
you've already failed. Yeah. David Hopping. Hi. How are you?
Good, Ariel. Good to see you. I was like that you didn't say that you're already failed. Yeah. David Hopping. Hi. How are you? Good, how are you?
Good to see you.
I was like that you didn't say that you're like in the present.
You're only in the past and the future.
I've never been truly present.
The last.
Yeah.
It really hurt me as an actor.
We should mention that Sona will be on the interview in the final segment.
She's just not here for this intro today.
Oh, yeah.
She'll be better in a minute.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She'll be better in a minute.
We've got a couple minutes.
She's just in the restroom.
She's being treated in the future. Yes. Where all diseases have been cured.
And then she's being rocketed back to us. Yes. She'll be glowing and wearing an acrylic suit.
I want to mention something very quickly. It was announced over the weekend. I'm very excited
about this, that my new travel series, series of specials, is going to be dropping on Max.
Or you can call it HBO Max.
Can you now?
I think it's just Max, Daddio.
Oh, is it?
You can't say HBO Max anymore?
Well, I just want to educating.
In case there's some old foggy out there like me,
who's listening going, what is this Max?
I'm gonna be, yeah, it's coming out
and it's been announced over the weekend
that it's going to be dropping
That's what the kids say dropping
But they still say HBO, but they say drop no Max is dropping HBO coming soon to a theater near you
With table Conan O'Brien must go is the name of the series
I like it. I'm proud of it and it's dropping on April 18th. This is very exciting.
I've seen the intro to the first episode.
I don't think I can oversell it by saying,
You just did.
No, I don't think it can be done.
It's tremendous.
Oh, I'm glad you like it.
And of course, you're in it as well.
That's what I'm saying.
It's tremendous.
But no, I am, I think you've seen all of them.
I've seen all of them.
I think it's the best thing you've ever done.
Well, that's right.
Nice of you.
I'm very happy with it.
If you like me, I think you'll like these shows on Max.
If you don't like me, don't watch them.
Because I can't help you.
So much Conan.
I love anyone who's listening to this podcast
who really hates Conan O'Brien.
It's just a version therapy they're doing.
But anyway, so that's my quick message.
We'll be talking about it much more
as we get closer to April 18th.
Conan O'Brien must go on Max.
How are you, Matt?
I'm good.
Yeah.
I'm sleep deprived.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not good.
I'm not good.
Have you tried tons of caffeine in the morning?
For me?
What's a lot of caffeine for you?
Maybe three cups would be too much caffeine.
I will often have one or two cups a day.
What's the symptom that you show if you have too much caffeine?
Do you get like heart palpitations? Are you nervous?
I feel like I turn into an 80s cocaine stockbroker
who's just kind of a loose and tight, jerry guy.
You've got suspenders on?
Yeah, with blue shirt, white collar.
Basically everything from Wall Street.
Yes, exactly.
Are you a fan of the movie Wall Street?
Have you watched it or not?
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Have we talked about the moment?
No, I had to come down on either side of that.
Honestly, I wasn't prepared.
One of my favorite line readings ever is
Charlie Sheen is in the elevator with his dad, Martin Sheen.
And I preface this by saying, I like the movie,
I really love Martin Sheen,
but he does this very interesting line reading
where he's arguing with his son
who he thinks has lost his head,
you know, chasing these big bucks.
And he says, I've never measured a man's success
by the size of his wallet.
That's the line is written in the script.
But he says, I've never measured a man's success
by the size of his wallet.
And it's fantastic.
And I'm always imagining that he's holding a,
you can't see because it's a chest up shot,
that he's holding a bowling ball. That Charlie, that Martin Sheen's holding a you can't see because it's a chest up shot that he's holding a bowling ball
That Charlie that that Martin she's holding a bowling ball and it slips out and lands on his toe
And he didn't intend that but it lands on his toe as as he's about to just say wallow
He doesn't intend to yeah, never measured a man's success by the side of his slip
Let's try it again. No, we're using it
Anyway, we got gotta get into it.
We have a wonderful show today.
Love this fellow, just love this fellow.
My guest today.
I really do, he's a wonderful guy
and he's a brilliantly funny
and he's a magical man in my opinion.
He's a hilarious actor who starred
in the HBO series Silicon Valley.
Now he has a new comedy series
which he co-created and stars in called In the Know.
It's very funny, it's available on Peacock.
Thrilled to see her today. Zach Woods, welcome.
You and I, we got to talk about this right away. Yes.
First of all, I am thoroughly enjoy you so much that I was waiting for you to show up
downstairs, which I never do with guests. But you so much that I was waiting for you to show up downstairs,
which I never do with guests,
but I was like a happy puppy waiting for Zach Woods
to show up.
You're hilarious, very funny fellow,
and I always love hanging out with you
and riffing with you.
So I was there to guide your car into the parking spot.
Yes, and I will say that you describe yourself
as a happy puppy.
The first image of your face I saw was peeking
kind of withaking kind of,
with a kind of predatory glance from behind the stucco.
And then I pulled up and you immediately told me
you had to cancel because today was not a good day
and there would never be a good day.
Yes, I did.
Now, listen, you have to understand
that's my way of showing someone I love them.
Believe me, you should have heard my proposal to Liza.
What's the opposite of a pigmate girl?
He's like, I reject you, man.
Yeah.
Did you have a big proposal?
I don't know if you're willing to talk about this even,
but like when you proposed,
did you have like a proposal proposal
or were you just like wanna get hitched?
I was sort of, I had a ring in my pocket.
Yeah.
Or is that a ring on your pocket?
You know that kind of thing?
What?
Or do you just have a terrible phallic injury?
Yeah.
Is that a ring in your pocket
or do you have a small circular metallic penis
with a little nodule that resembles a jewel?
That was my proposal.
Can it be both? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There's nothing wrong with that. I'm proud of my little ring penis.
No, I did have a I had a day I was going to do it and I had the ring on me. I didn't have an elaborate, you know, some people do things like they
they tie it to the dog's collar and they call the dog in the room or they bake it
into a souffle.
One of my siblings had an incredibly elaborate one that involved meeting up
with her, his his fiance, who's lovely, as now my sister-in-law,
unlike the top of a, you know, temple and ink as Aztec temple when he wasn't even supposed to be in
country and being there at the same time, but I think he got the wrong temple.
But he eventually, you know, found her and they figured'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I top of every woman's list, if only I could. So that was probably the wrong way to go.
Can I tell you something?
And that you probably won't like this.
Because I know you're self-effacingly
saying top of every woman's list.
I don't think I've ever had a girlfriend
who didn't confess to having had a crush on you.
Oh no.
Why don't these things never see back to me?
I think you see what you look for.
And my guess is that the sexual energy
that's flooding in your direction
is being blocked out by some sort of color blindness,
but for-
And thick sweaters.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I always buy sweaters that absorb and repel
any kind of sexuality coming my way.
Well, you know what's funny, we should talk about this
because you and I, we have some similarities.
We are both tall and I think men.
We're gangly in our youth.
Would you say that?
You were still quite gangly.
I've put on a few, but you were...
No, I've gained weight, but it doesn't,
the gangliness is just a, yeah,
it's just buried gangliness, but it's still gangly.
I mean, Bobby Moynihan, the actor once described
someone's body as looking like a lowercase B,
where it's like all thin and gangly up top,
but then a little punch.
And I do feel like a lowercase B body.
Yeah.
But yeah, I'm gangly.
I feel like I don't remember, I was thinking about,
I can't remember who said this,
but someone described someone as being like a daddy long legs,
where there's just this little disc of cerebral energy
and then legs.
Yes, that's me.
That's how I feel too.
I've always said, I have legs that just go on forever.
And then someone said as I was leaving the shop,
oh, we need a torso on that thing.
And someone said, well, we don't have a whole torso.
Let's just throw half of a torso over there. So they did.. And someone said, well, we don't have a whole torso. Let's just throw
half of a torso over there. So they did. And then they said, I wouldn't be funny if there
was a giant paper mache head. And they threw that on top. And I went out the door, but I've
always been self conscious. I always try and wear things that break up the fact that my waist
is sort of in the middle of my chest. Do you know what I mean?
You wear cumber buns even in like non formal situations.
I do. I wear them at pool parties.
I wear a formal cumber bun.
I heard this thing once, I was in an acting class,
which is a shameful thing to admit, but I was.
And they did a scene from Frankenstein
where the monster goes back, he's fucked stuff up,
he's killed people, whatever.
He goes back to the doctor's lab and he goes,
why did you make me? He goes, I'm so ugly doctor's lab and he goes, why did you make me?
He goes, I'm so ugly.
I don't fit in.
Why did you make me?
And the doctor says, I just wanted to see if I could.
And the monster's like, you wanted to see if you could?
And then he goes, then you make me another
and you make her as ugly and detestable as I am
because I need someone to love and I need someone to love me.
And I thought, that's so heartbreaking and beautiful.
And I told my father that and he's like, oh, I think that's sort of about, that's a story
about kids like Frankenstein's made from the pieces of a bunch of old dead people, which
is essentially what a kid is, you know, in a genetic way.
And that sort of question of like, why? Why did you bring me here? Right.
It hangs over every parent. And when you were talking about being assembled with a paper
mishay head and legs and no torso, it made me think of the Frankenstein story.
But you know, it's funny, which by the way, I just read for the first time the original
Frankenstein, which is nothing like the movies, absolutely nothing like the movies and really
powerful but very, very different
not what you'd think.
Anyway, I'm just gonna throw that out there
and I wanna remind people, you should read,
reading's important.
The more you know.
Glu-lu-lu.
Um.
That was a little starburst going by.
I used to have a TV show where we could make the starburst
go by and I'm like, blub-lu-lu.
Well, I, first of all, you of all, I don't want to embarrass you,
but you're a very attractive fellow. Thank you.
Jesus.
And I'm just curious because I know I saw you,
I think for the first time,
I remembered seeing you on the office.
And then I have to say a show that my son
and I really bonded over was Silicon Valley,
which as you know, I've talked to you about it I really bonded over was Silicon Valley, which as you
know, I've talked to you about it, but I adored Silicon Valley. Absolutely adored it. And your
character, Jared, was so funny and so delightful. And so I told my son today, oh, I'm gonna,
that I'd be seeing you. And he was, he doesn't respect me at all. But I saw respect in his eyes.
So it was really, it was very cool.
So happy, I mean, okay, I don't know how much earnestness
this can accommodate, but I do wanna,
you can cut it out, right?
You edit this, okay?
I don't think we have the money to edit.
Oh really?
No.
It's tough times over here.
No, no, no, we're making a ton of cash just coming in,
but it's going out rapidly because we're-
Right up your nose.
Well, I don't wanna say it specifically,
it's not just my nose, but Matt.
He actually just snorts money.
Yeah.
God, I shred it and then I snort it.
You can't see this, but he has a terribly deviated septum.
It's like little pieces of Ben Franklin's face.
It's really horrible.
Yeah.
But I was going to say this.
One of the first times I ever saw you,
because I don't know if people know this,
in early days of Upright Citizens Brigade in New York,
before it became this kind of factory for people
who would then go on to populate all kinds of comedy shows,
no one made any money.
No one had, you know, people couldn't support themselves
and everyone was a weirdo and not getting cast
in whatever TV shows were being made.
So Conan's show was how so many people kept themselves
afloat and the first time I ever filmed anything for television,
I was cast on your show to play
Leprechaun with Marfan Syndrome.
That's my comedy.
Which was then cut.
And then I also did a bit where I had to make out
with somebody while Chris Matthews narrated it.
And then I think that also got cut.
But the point is, I got like, I got a paycheck.
You get paid either way.
And it was huge.
And it was, you really sort of were like the Medici
of like freakazoid of New York comedians.
But you're keeping us, you know,
in our studio apartments.
That makes me really happy.
I've heard that from other people.
It was not, it was not a selfless act because, you know,
we needed all these really talented performers
to do incredibly bizarre things.
So it worked out so nicely that at that time
there was just this incredible wealth.
I mean, Amy Poehler used to play
Andy Rector's sister on the show and she wasn't on SNL.
And we tried to use her like once a week
and she played his sister who wore a giant headgear.
We'd give her a script that I'd like to think was a solid B.
And I watched her every time take it to an A++
and then she would go into these incredibly ornate speeches.
Where she'd be like invoking like Norse gods.
Norse gods and screaming.
And, but she was so amazing, but I mean,
and later I was saying to reminding Amy,
like I didn't do that to be nice.
You, you, you know, we were lucky to have you.
We were lucky to have you.
We were lucky to have all these incredibly talented people.
But what's interesting to me is there's a couple of people
that I see in comedy that sort of had my
a similar build to me when I was coming up and I always want to bond with them.
Steven Merchant, same thing. I think of like you, Steven Merchant. There's a couple of us
praying mantis men out there that get into comedy. And white, white men. That's what you're drawn to.
Yes. Strong white men. I'm trying to.
Strong. I'm trying to. Strong.
I'm sorry.
That's the part that's objectionable.
Not the flagrant racism that I'm assigning to you.
But just the self description is strong.
That's the thing.
I think, you know, it's about time white men
gotta break and stuff this many times.
No, but can I say, I also again, respectfully dissent
because you have been supportive of me in ways that it's not like we're hanging out
Going fishing on the weekends like you've just extended your platform your support your praise in a way that is completely
Benefitless, you know, I made a short film that you promoted that is how it got any audience at all
You brought me on your show
promoted that is how it got any audience at all. You brought me on your show before anyone wanted me on any talk shows. And I don't think this is unique to me. I think you're someone
who has a real kind of comedy Robin Hood vibe in this way.
Oh, that's nice. I have to say it just comes from I like when people really make me laugh,
I want selfish, I just want to be around them. I want them to do well, and then I want them to cast me in their works.
Sorry. That's the long con.
Is there something specific that you like?
I know someday you're going to make a movie
and there's going to be a part that I'm not right for at all.
And I'm going to guilt you into giving to me,
and it's going to really hurt the movie.
And you and me.
Can I ask you, this is something now I'm doing selfish and again I
don't know this is the idea we talk. We talk. I know. Okay. To be fair though, if I had known
you were going to praise him this much, I wouldn't have come in. This is gross. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't
want me to get anything good. I was talking to a British woman writes on a succession and she said,
British people don't like award shows because they don't like getting awards
and they don't like seeing other people get awards.
That's hilarious.
I'm so interested.
I love the honesty of that too.
People have an allergy to having any kind of
an interior life and also to having a body.
It's like people in the UK.
I mean, I love a lot of the people I met
and worked with in the UK, but the feeling is kind of like,
you can't cop to having ambition or aggression,
any of that stuff because it's so unseemly.
But in the process of trying to kind of obfuscate
what you're actually feeling inside,
it can get kind of weird.
It can feel sort of cunning in a way.
And when I would come back from England to LA
where everyone is so just unababashedly, self promotional,
I found it to be a relief,
because it's like, okay,
at least you're like telling me what a hero you are
to my face instead of hiding whatever self regard
you feel behind this kind of, you know.
I like people who are, like I have a friend
who talks a lot about all the famous people he knows,
because he's delighted to know so many famous people.
And it's relaxing to me because I'm like,
oh yeah, I know where you stand.
He's like, can you believe it?
Sarah Paulson loves me.
I'm like, I can, you're a nice guy.
I mean, she just called me to ask
if I wanted to come to Art Basil and you're like, great.
I don't know.
Look at that, look at this list of numbers on my phone.
I do this a lot even around here.
I'll apologize like nine times before I say the name.
You know, it's kind of cool that I bumped in
and was in a restaurant and I saw,
okay, this is kind of lame, but I did see,
and then you say famous person's name,
and you think, well, no, I'm living in,
I work in this industry.
Why am I apologizing 10 times?
Because it almost then starts to feel like that's its own
kind of, I don't know, it's like a,
you know how like air fresheners can make smells worse?
Yes.
It's kind of like the social version of that,
where there's like an air freshener that doesn't quite
cover up what you're doing.
So then it feels like this kind of,
like if you feel like you have to,
okay, money I think is a really interesting one.
Like when people don't want to talk about money
because it's so uncomfortable,
but sometimes when I'm around people
who have lots and lots of money
and they kind of try to spare me
from the acknowledgement that they're rich,
that's one of the only times I'm like,
oh, do you feel like your money makes you better than me
because you're protecting me from the fact
that you have money, but I'm glad you have money.
That's great.
Like, yeah, it's like, I'm glad you have money. That's great. Good for you.
Yeah.
It's like, I'm not threatened by it unless the implication is like,
oh, I don't want him to know because he'll feel like such a little gutter snipe.
You know?
And then I'm like, wait a second.
One of my things that I've been doing for a while, well, you've experienced this, I go way the other way as a bit.
And so, so I remember when she got you, you moved in, it was with you and Kerry got in
a, you got an apartment, a small apartment in, it was very nice in Santa Monica, but
small apartment that my assistant and her,
as someone else who worked on the show,
a producer on the show, got.
And I remember it coming in, I was like,
this is beautiful.
Is it okay if I go upstairs?
And some of them was like, Conan,
you know there's no upstairs.
And I would act like, oh, come on, seriously.
But anyway, at least let me see the screening room.
And she'd be like, you're dead.
And I'd say, I just wanna check it out.
Where's the gym?
Where's your gym?
Where do you work out?
I just wanna see the gym for a second.
And she'd be like, all right, fuck you.
And I'd say, and then I'd say like,
okay, if you don't want me to see it,
is it okay if I just go and check out the indoor pool?
And, but it was the only...
And it's when you sometimes you'll like get your wallet
and you'll just sneeze and all this cash.
Oh my God, that's the hardest.
The hardest I've ever seen.
Adam Sacks is in the room with us right now
and Adam Sacks is a very genteel fellow.
Adam hadn't known me that long
and what I had done is I was talking about,
I was preparing but he didn't know
but I was just saying like, look, I don't know.
I think I just feel like I'm anyone else here
and I don't really feel like I'm any different than I'm anyone else here and I don't really feel like
I'm any different than I was in high school.
I went to a public high school,
my parents didn't have much money
and we just grew up in a middle class house
and I just, I don't think,
and I just think I haven't changed.
Eh, eh, and then I sneezed very convincingly and loudly
and what I had done is I had had a money clip
filled with money and I rolled it up and hid it in my hand
and I went, and this giant wad of money came up
my nose and shot onto the floor
and I was like, oh damn it, like every time I sneeze
a lot of money comes out and Adam covered his,
what were you, what were you saying?
Oh my God.
Crying now, just remembering it.
You were crying and shrieking.
You saw it on my chair.
I was yelling, covering my face.
It was, and we had only known each other
maybe for a couple months at that point.
Yeah, yeah, you really didn't know me and it's,
and so sometimes like my comfort zone is something
that's so insanely over the top Warner Brothers'
cartoony wrong that it's okay.
I think that's very-
Does that make sense?
Yeah, also it's funny that you said that he snorts money
because that-
It makes sense to me.
It's clear now that I do, yeah.
Yeah, this is not, look, this is again,
you're not gonna like this because it's more,
but I was thinking a lot.
I was very excited to come here, pick me girl.
And another thing that I was thinking about too is that
I feel like I've met a lot of people in comedy who are
you know kind of lampoon very cerebral very smart and
Often a bit aggressive right one thing that I've noticed over the course of the time that I've been watching you is
It's really interesting like I think sometimes people are so smart and and kind of acidic get more so over time
But you've somehow I I feel like you're like warmer and warmer.
Not that you weren't like warm before,
but I feel like you feel like, like I think I was a little scared
the first time I met you.
Cause I was like, this guy's funnier than me and smarter.
And I'm like, I'm better educated and it's very like brainy and fast.
And now I feel like I could be kind of a little bit of a puddle or a little sloppy and not feel scared.
Oh, that's, yeah.
Does that make any sense?
I never thought that I will say that I am happier
at this stage in my life than I was at.
We've talked about this, but my 20s, 30s, 40s,
just so much pressure all the time.
And I like to think that I was a good person
and nice to people, but I definitely am a happier person
now than I was then because you over it,
you just think, okay, this is who I am
and I'm doing the best I can.
You come to this, you settle a little bit
in this really nice way.
Also, I think SMART is way overrated.
I agree.
SMART is so overrated. I agree. Smart is so overrated.
And sometimes I went to this school
where there were tons of, quote, smart people
and who were much smarter than me.
And I've, in my career in show business,
I've met tons of people who are smarter than me.
They probably have a much higher IQ.
I just, I don't credit smart with a lot.
Did you feel like you were more dazzled by intelligence when you were younger?
Or were you always kind of skeptical of it?
No, I think I probably was more, you're more impressed with a lot of things when you're younger.
Yeah, that's true.
When you're younger, you're, you're impressed with a lot of things.
And then I always would see other people and think, oh, man, I really want to be,
I put everybody else on a pedestal.
Yeah. And as you know, you, you degrade yourself when you do that. And I was constantly not
thinking that much of myself and thinking that these other people were gods.
And I also think that reverence isolates both the revered and the whatever, the reverencer,
I don't know, the reverer, like because, man, you're not smart at all.
I see. I just realized I'm so much smarter than you.
No, don't push me out of here.
Don't push me out.
He's hitting me.
Did you guys hear that?
The reverencer?
Oh, no.
I knew it was gonna happen.
I knew it was gonna happen.
I posed as a warm guy that wanted contact with you.
Do you think I wanted to meet you outside
and lead your car in?
It was ours, almost.
No!
I think other people are probably
smarter than me.
He's but it!
I'm the smartest fucking man that ever lived!
Sorry, that was crazy.
What a weird sting operation.
Just to lure people in with like a promise of not being smart.
Someone told me, of all these quotes,
I can't remember who told me,
but someone told me a famous mask
that destroys the face.
And I think I get it. Oh, I know that one.
Who said that?
I think it was Everleave maybe,
but anyway, it was someone said it.
And, you know, I'm pretty sure it was Everle the Bean maybe, but anyway, it was someone said it.
And, you know, I'm pretty sure it was Kaya Gerber.
That's what it was.
It was Kaya Gerber.
So there's a variation that says celebrity is a mask that eats into the face.
Yeah, eats into the face.
John Uptyke.
Yeah, John Uptyke.
But anyway, and he had, I mean, his face was just riddled with sores and open wounds.
Because he got too famous.
It was really antibiotic resistant MRSA that ate his face.
And he blamed it on his famous and author.
It's like, you're not that famous, Johnup.
You're fine.
No one's recognizing you.
He went around.
You know Freddy Krueger.
Later in life, he wore a Freddy Krueger mask and went around and went, of course, you know,
I'm John Updike, I wrote the rabbit series and I can't take off his mask.
I do want to say, no joke, have you met, have you met, what is happening between you two?
Just look at me like, did you catch that joke?
I went down there.
I went down a John Updike rabbit hole as Freddie
and I look over and Son was looking at me like
she was watching a man go underwater for the ninth time.
Never to return.
Oh, look at him.
He's drowning.
Yeah.
He was like, he felt like he was looking to see like,
hey, I knew is it one rabbit? I usually give him whatever validation he was looking to see like, hey, I knew is it one right or not?
I usually give him whatever validation he's looking for,
but sometimes I just don't and sometimes I just stare at.
John up there wearing a mask, showing up at a party,
he wasn't doing it for you.
He didn't do it.
I just want to say, I actually, through this show,
Matt Cuyah Gerber, who is like way more literate than me
by a factor of about a million.
Well, yeah, she was in my mind because I just watched an episode of your show.
I'm going to bring up your show now because you just did.
And then we can go on and talk about other stuff.
But you have done this show called In the Know and you did it with Mike Judge.
Yeah, it is really funny and really well done.
And I think you've made six of them.
Yeah, six.
OK, I watched the first one before you got here. And I was like, made six of them? Is that right? Yeah, there's six, yeah.
Okay, I watched the first one before you got here
and I was like, oh, I'm totally down with this show.
Takes place at NPR and this is gonna reel you in.
It's NPR, Zack is the main character
who's completely full of himself named Lauren.
Yeah, Lauren Caspian.
Lauren Caspian who is the, I think,
third or fourth most popular NPR correspondent. Probably fourth Lauren Caspian. Lauren Caspian, who is the I think third or fourth most popular NPR
Correspondent. Probably fourth, but claims third. Yeah, and
It's puppets. It's like I want to almost stop motion puppets and it's really funny
It's it's so well-written and it's it's so good and of course it's skewering a lot of the stuff that
That I think needs skewering. I mean so many things need skewering on on on both sides of the spectrum.
But it is so funny I was watching it I was thinking this makes me really happy but one of the parts that I really like is that your character in his interviews.
The interviews are on zoom so it's all puppets but then when you're talking.
interviews, the interviews are on Zoom, so it's all puppets, but then when you're talking to whoever one of your guests are, it's really them on a Zoom.
And so Kaya Gerber happened to be in the episode.
She was great and very game.
I mean, it's interesting, like I've never done stop motion before, but it's the people
who did the Guillermo del Toro Pinocchio.
So these are the best stop motion animators in the world.
It's crazy to see it because one thing
I didn't realize when we started,
but I guess I feel like people have a tendency
to kind of winnow themselves down to one thing
or to winnow each other down to one thing,
this kind of reductive identity thing
where it's like you are this one thing
or you're this one thing you did
or one thing you believe, et cetera.
And so something that I always look for in stories
and try to include is the kind of contradictory birds nest
of a person, you know.
And one thing that's so cool about stop motion
is because each character is played
by 30 different animators plus the voice actor.
There's a kind of multifacetedness
that's bred into the process.
You get all of these different people's little ticks
and imaginations and facial features and stuff into the process. You get all of these different people's little ticks and imaginations and facial features and stuff
in the process.
I thought that was really fun.
I'd never experienced that before.
Also, it was also created by the Brandon Gardner,
who's my writing partner
and who listens to this show religiously.
Well, I thought Brandon Gardner
was really the driving force behind it.
Okay, well, let's not get carried away
because I just clearly,
no, no, he just felt like he's the- He's an amazing human being. Yeah, no, he's like a giant, well, let's not get carried away because I just clearly, no, no, he just felt like he's the-
He's an amazing human being.
Yeah, no, he's like a giant powerful,
evanrued motor shooting the boat forward.
And then you and my judge have like little tiny straws
that you're dipping in the water
and trying to help with this.
But he's also a great guy though.
Oh, he's just like-
I love him.
He's an amazing guy.
And guess what?
He knows a podcast when he hears it.
Yes.
Okay, well, I mean, I don't think we're just like
a pointless ancillary rowing team on the back of his
his cataract.
I think you guys are attractive appendages
on at least a powerful, powerful engine that is,
what's his name again?
No, but one of the things that it's a,
it's something that I'm really looking forward to seeing more
in the show is you and one of your co-workers are always trying to outwoke and out-PC each
other.
And it makes for really good comedy because you will be saying, well, there's an unhoused
person and everyone's very sanctimonious.
And then she's accusing you of being insensitive because you didn't use the latest term.
And I thought, this is comedy that needs to be done right now.
Well, you know, it's funny in the neighborhood where we're recording this, I guess a couple
of years ago, I was walking around and it's kind of like a Tony neighborhood.
And I was, I passed a house that probably must cost like $4 million or something.
And in the front yard, there was a sign that said defund the police.
And then right next to it was an ADT home security decal
that advertised that they have armed guards
who are on patrols.
And I was like, defund the police
because you have like hired mercenaries who are like,
and I was like, with shoot to kill order.
Yeah. Exactly.
And then I felt very smug about it.
And then I went to go get them tiger
and ordered like a whatever $19 matcha and was like my own hellish version of the same person I was just
looking down on. So I just think there's like so much, sorry I'm spitting, there's so much like you know I
the kind of cosmetic progressive ideology where it's like it's a personal
enhancement as opposed to a commitment that you're making to action you know
it's a way of beautifying yourself,
but you never really walk the walk.
I mean, I think about that all the time of like,
how if you look at my credit card statements
and you were to look at my journal entries,
there's a terrible disparity
between what I supposedly care about
and what I swipe my card on.
Sure, sure.
Is the plan to make more than one season
you're gonna wait and see?
Yeah, I guess it depends if the network wants to make more
and, but we've been daydreaming about it.
I mean, at this point we're just trying
to kind of get it out into the world
and that's been preoccupying,
but I wouldn't rule it out.
Yeah, well.
That's a boring answer.
Yeah, that's a terrible answer.
Can we keep you company?
Can I do something?
I'm going to text Brandon.
Let's talk about Brandon more.
Can I just say something? This was intended to be an interview with Brandon.
Oh, shit.
But he is so into man.
We couldn't get him.
Damn it, Brandon.
And there was just no getting him.
So he's, I guess, on some party with Kaya Gerber and Sia and everyone else who's named.
Sia, that's a cool party.
It's just the three of them.
It's just the three of them.
And it's in a very large cheesecake factory
that they bought out and it's just, it's empty.
Man, I wanna go.
I love the cheesecake factory.
They have so many choices.
I really do.
Can I tell you though,
I made a reservation at the cheesecake factory once.
I showed up and they were like,
the wait is 45 minutes. I was like, oh no, no, I have a reservation. the Cheesecake Factory once I showed up and they were like, the wait is 45 minutes.
I was like, oh no, no, I have a reservation.
And she said, no, no, that's just an estimate.
What?
I was like, what does that mean?
So the reservations at Cheesecake Factory are a lie and a fraud.
Hey, can we get that?
Let's get that word out.
Wait a minute.
I have a confession.
My step-brother is a regional manager for-
Is that true?
Yeah, Cheesecake Factory.
I haven't even brought in cheesecakes.
He lives in Dallas.
God, I hate that.
They would melt on the way.
I don't think he works for them anymore, but good.
No, we're not picking a fight with Cheesecake Factory.
I'm telling you, on the Bob Woodward of the Cheesecake Factory.
I'm just, I'm gonna be on Zach's side for a second.
I think if you tell people's side for a second.
I think if you tell people you've got a reservation, you've got to honor that.
Now look, I respect that Cheesecake Factory.
I've never seen a menu like that.
It's a menu where you think of something in your head.
If it's not on that menu, I'll blow my brains out.
Literally like an alarm clock covered in caramel that sits on a blintz and then there's a
bolognese sauce.
Page 17!
I'd like the buffalo wings and a better relationship with my father.
That's page nine and page 32.
I once asked him if it was possible if I came in and theoretically ordered one of
everything on the menu, could you even produce that much food in enough time?
And they said that they could I don't know if this do you think that's a 3d printer back there?
Just constantly
And giant pneumatic tubes firing foods from all around the world at hyper speed
You were quite young when you started doing improv. Yeah, I was 16. I wanted to be a jazz musician when I was a kid.
Yeah, and friendship over.
Friendship begun.
There we do.
I just checked you off for friendship over.
What did you play?
What kind of instrument?
I played trumpet and the way I got hooked on jazz,
like all great jazz musicians,
was a CD-ROM video game about the history of jazz.
I thought you were could say heroin.
My parents got me, it was called Living Jazz.
What?
Yep, and it was hosted.
That's how you got into jazz?
Yeah.
Not hanging out in Smokey Club?
No, like you're old?
Like all the greats, it was,
I switched from Encarta to Living Jazz,
and Living Jazz was like,
had sort of the format of a first person shooter,
but you were totally,
you're totally passive,
but you're wandering through the history of jazz.
That's the way it works.
That's fantastic.
Yes, you're like, I'm gonna go to Storyville
and watch Louis Armstrong.
I'm gonna go to Chicago after the Great Migration.
And whoop, there's Lester Young.
This is so great.
Wait a minute, that's incredible.
That's how it is. Do you ever get to shoot up the. Wait a minute, that's incredible. That's how I-
You ever get to shoot up the place.
You never, that would be amazing
if you play enough living jazz.
You just get to be, what do they call it?
At one point I wanted to transition to Grand Theft Auto.
That's all.
Like there's a lot of jazz history,
but then at a certain point you notice like,
I think I'm in a strip club.
That's so funny.
I just hit Elefants Gerald with a baseball bat.
People are really mad at me online.
Oh, God.
So that's how I got into jazz.
And then I wanted to be a jazz musician, but then I got braces and I couldn't play anymore because I messed up my umbershirt
But my parents took me because I had to get braces and they took me to dr. Chops who was this come on
Was that a jazz musician? Yeah. Well, he's a jazz dentist
Okay, and he was a winter Marcel's dentist and we went to visit him and said, you know
Is there anything that can be done? He said no, but this toothpaste is $30 and you should buy that.
And so we did.
And then I went back home and the guy who gave me braces,
I feel like I've talked about this at some point,
but he had a life-size mural of himself in a lab coat
putting braces on the animals in the jungle.
And then he also had a portrait of himself dressed as a dentist,
working on himself dressed as Superman.
Oh my God.
So this guy was a fascinating character.
Yeah, I mean, we got to talk to him too.
We got to get him in here.
I feel like anytime I allude to someone,
you would prefer that they were here.
And I would just say anyone, anyone but.
But no, but this is crazy to me, which is that
so you got braces and they can't make a special mouthpiece
that goes over your,
or they were just trying to discourage you
from playing the trumpet.
Maybe that was it.
My parents got tired of it.
But I would take pliers and rip out the wire
because I would get so frustrated and I wanted to play.
But then I just sort of gave up
and I had all this free time
where I used to be practicing trumpet.
And so my brother had gone to college in New York and he'd gone to an early ASCAD at UCB,
the Upright Citizens Brigade, and he told me about it.
And I thought, oh, that sounds fun.
So I would take the train up to New York from Pennsylvania where I grew up and I took classes.
And back then the Upright Citizens Brigade was in this kind of dingy X-strip club where you remember this.
Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah, and they had cleaned out...
He remembers the strip club.
Yeah, they cleaned out the strip club and turned it into a small black box theater.
That's right. But they would still sometimes find condoms and stuff because I guess it was a house of ill-repute and then also
I guess there was like a mix of
Someone told me that there was like I guess for some reason the strip club was popular with his seeds
So sometimes like these acidic guys would come in and like sit down thinking a strip show was about to start
But then they'd just be stuck in like Brett Gellman's one-man show or whatever
Yeah, and like you just end up like watching alt comedy for an hour and they couldn't
leave. So just the idea of like these like, acidic dudes just watching, it makes me laugh. Anyway,
yeah, I performed, I did some stuff with UCB back in the day. And I remember going down to that
theater and they would do a thing where you just go out and do a monologue based on something
someone shouted out in the audience. And I remembered finding it incredibly fun and therapeutic.
Did you, have you ever had the experience of overshare?
Have you ever done like a monologue
or an interview or something
and then had that kind of vulnerability hangover thing
where you're like, oh, I didn't wanna talk about that,
but I did.
I mean, I talk so much.
I probably have, but I don't know
that I've ever come to you, Matt, and said, I mean,
take out that part where I talked about my younger sister beating me.
That was exactly the thing you asked me to take out.
Yeah.
I was just embarrassed that my younger sister could beat me so easily.
Yeah.
No, no, I don't remember.
And throughout the course of your life, too, it's not.
It wasn't an isolated incident.
She was three and I was 15.
And she totally just was hitting me through walls
and then falling me into that room
and then punching me through another wall.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
Do you?
Sometimes, do you guys have that?
Oh, daily.
Really?
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
Sona has admitted to many crimes that she committed.
I used to shoplift.
Really?
Yeah, my parents were horrified.
But can I ask you about that?
Because I have so many questions about that,
but was it the thrill of shoplifting
or was it like you wanted the item?
Was it you wanted to shoplift or you wanted the thing?
It was the thrill.
I mean, the first thing I saw was a 45 cent sticker book
from Sanrio.
And I could get that.
I could have afforded it at that time,
but I just was like, I'm just gonna put it in my pocket.
And scrunchies.
And scrunchies and hair things,
and I would steal things and I would put them on my head,
like a hair band,
and I would walk in front of the customer service reps.
Oh, wow.
And that was a thrill.
But I never, like, stole a bunch of stuff and ran out.
When I met Sona,
she was running down Olympic Boulevard,
holding a Samsung flat screen, a very large one.
And then I robbed you, remember?
That's right.
Yeah, I beat you with it
and then I took everything you had.
You smashed it over my head, ruining the flat screen
and then took, robbed me of $8,
which really was stupid
because the flat screen was worth so much more.
But yeah, I'm one of those people
that the way I was raised was someone more. But yeah, I'm one of those people that,
the way I was raised was someone's always,
like God is always watching.
So every now and then I would put gum in my mouth
and I would be walking along and crinkle up
the tiny little trident wrapper into a tiny little ball
and just sort of drop it on the sidewalk
and keep walking and then I would stop.
And walk back and pick it up.
And it's not that I'm the best person in the world,
it's just that I thought that I can't have that hanging over me.
And I had a therapist tell me once, years ago,
you have the largest conscience of any,
which is probably a shock to you guys,
but he said, you have the largest conscience
of anyone I've ever talked to.
So those things, the idea of taking even,
you know, stealing one Alka Seltzer from a drugstore, So those things, the idea of taking even,
stealing one Alka-Seltzer from a drugstore,
not because I'm better than you, because I'm superior to you.
Okay, okay.
It's an important clarification.
I mean, it's a really interesting thing.
I think there was a store where I grew up where if you stole,
they would either call the police
or they would take a picture of you with the item that you stole, they would either call the police or they would take a picture of you with the
item that you stole and then they would put that picture up in the grocery store. So it's this sort
of humiliation. It also feels a little bit like Salem, Massachusetts, 1650. That kind of, this is
the way we will shame people and then they will behave or putting people in stocks. You know, it's a it's a it's a public humiliation, which is something that maybe used to work.
I don't know. We should do more of it.
No, okay. I thought you were saying that's not the way to go.
No, I think I think people should be shamed.
You're big. You saw the Crucible that play about the yeah.
And you were like, that's aspirational.
I thought this I thought the Crucible by Arthur Miller was a how-to
Okay, I'm down with that shame on you
Remember when I tried to dunk you in water to see if you were a witch
And all this hair product floated to the surface
Well, you use a lot
Various waxes and oils come on. Well, you use a lot. Why? You use a lot. I have curly hair, dude. I know, but various waxes and oils.
Come on.
No, what do you mean?
It's frizzy if I don't.
Why do you have to bring that up?
I don't know.
I think there's no shame in it.
I think someone told me.
I wonder if the shame thing works as a term,
because someone told me that, again, these are like
unsighted, probably bullshit stories.
But that shoplifting in 19th century London
was like a big, like epidemic.
So they made it a hanging offense to shoplift
and the place so that you have these big public hangings
and those public hangings was where there was the most
pickpocketing and stuff.
Yeah, because everyone's, yeah, it was a great place to.
And also I think, I mean, that was back when you could get
shipped off to Australia for, you know, taking a loaf of bread.
That's it, Bob.
If you were starving, yeah. And then you're, you know, boo-hoo Australia. If you've been to Australia for, you know, taking a loaf of bread. That's it, Bob. If you were starving, yeah.
And then you're, you know, boo-hoo Australia.
You've been to Australia, it's amazing there.
I wish I had been shipped off.
Yeah.
We went to America and went to Central Massachusetts.
Oh, okay.
Conan, come back.
Come back.
Hey, buddy.
Come back, Conan.
It's our country too, man.
Oh, hey, hey, sorry, man.
I blacked out for a second.
I'm just saying, if they had sent me to Australia,
which is where we should have been sent.
You would have surfed?
No, yeah.
I'd have like a V-shaped torso right now.
I'd have like a six-pack.
I'd look like a Hemsworth if I had gone.
Yeah, I would.
I would.
Yeah, I would.
I would have lips instead of this...
caping gash for a mouth.
I'd have eyes that were the right size.
Instead of these beady little rat orbs.
They should have shipped me off to Australia.
But no, we had to go to Sturbridge.
Oh my God.
I've never heard the word Sturbridge
with so much venom in my life.
Sturbridge.
Shout out to Sturbridge, his friend at Lively Place.
My dad told me once, this was so nice,
because I made this short film that's sort of
about a therapist, he's a therapist,
and he said this thing to me once that I thought
was so sweet where he was like,
he said, I know you love me and you can have it all.
He was like, you can tell a story about anything
from our family from my vantage point
and I trust you to handle it
humanely.
Aw, that's so sweet.
And I'm like, damn.
That is my, I did not get that shit from my parents.
My one message my mother made very clear
that I understood and got was I would,
the O'Brien's were to be told of as lace curtain,
respectable Irish people who, you know,
were upstanding members of the community
and my whole career has been tearing that down.
Well, that's so interesting.
Like my, I have an uncle who got into researching
the family's history.
And I guess like my great grandmother came to escape
the czar and the pogroms and stuff in Russia.
And I think she was a sex worker in the Lower East Side.
She was by herself, she was a teenager.
And then she married a Jewish gangster and a jewel thief
who eventually got killed in Chicago,
but she divorced him first.
And like they had a very amazing, it's crazy, right?
And then it's so funny how you just try to sort of wash
the stink of the old country off you as fast as possible
because then my grandfather changed the name
from Wodanski to Woods,
started talking with kind of a fake British accent
apparently, smoked a pipe,
and you just try to kind of ape this respectability
as fast as you can.
I thought you were a Protestant Earl.
Like I really, I thought you were landed gentry.
From Oxfordshire.
I swear to God. I was like, oh, they're growing pretty accomplished. From Oxfordshire, I swear to God.
I was like, oh, they're growing pretty tall there
in Oxfordshire.
I could talk to you for seven hours.
I really could, but I have to respect your time
because you're a man with things to do.
Also, we got Brandon coming in.
Oh, God damn it.
Oh, yes!
Brandon, Brandon.
Shoke on it, Brandon.
Shoke on it, Brad.
Shoke on it, baby.
Let me just mention again, in the know, it's a really funny show.
It's out now, and it is on Peacock.
It is very unusual.
It's original, and it's really funny.
It's really funny, so check it out.
I will carry that with me for a long time.
Thanks for saying that. Well, I meant it.
It came from my heart and from part of my brain
that has things, the control of the voice.
What's happening?
Oh, my God.
Does your dying words?
Yeah, we're witnessing it in real time.
Oh, God.
She's gone.
Oh, my God.
I was trying to say...
I was trying to say so well, and then you kept talking.
What I'm trying to say is it came from the heart,
but then I also wanted to credit the speech portion of my brain. Because when it it it came from the heart, but then I also wanted to credit the speech portion of my brain
Because when people say it came from the heart, I'm like, yeah, okay, but without the speech portion of your brain
What the fuck so I think the heart gets too much credit. So anyway from your mouth from my mouth
That's coming from your mouth. Thank you. Oh, it's no lips
Thank you, sir. Thank you That's coming from your mouth. That caping hole with no lips. Sturbridge! Sturbridge!
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
["Sturbridge"]
And I want to tell you what we were just talking about
in the studio, and I insisted, let's turn on, I said, let's activate the microphones.
So Eduardo, turn them on.
This is what we were just talking about.
I made a declaration that I'm pretty sure I could take anybody in this room in a
physical fight, except I said, Blay, I don't think I could take you because you
work out all the time.
Thank you very much.
You could.
I don't think I could.
But and then everyone started to get into it like,
no, you couldn't take Eduardo.
But you said more than that.
Yeah.
You said I'd fight you without my hands.
Yes, well, I know that you're a huge.
And I still think he'd win.
Yeah, no, I think you're a huge soccer fan.
You love Leonel Messi.
It's Leonel, by the way.
And I just think you're probably like,
in the back of your mind, think I can't use my hands.
I've got to get him with my feet.
And then I just lay you out, you know?
And then Adam, I'm sorry, but I just,
it would be over very quickly.
I disagree. Yeah. Yeah.
I think Adam's the quiet prize fighter, you know?
Have you been in many physical fights?
Very few.
Very few. Um... Very few, say. Very few, say. So I think rightfully said that she couldn't see me getting, like, working up enough rage
for the fight.
I don't...
Yeah, I think, first of all, you remind me, and the listener is probably thinking, well,
we can't picture this, Adam Sacks.
Imagine a milder Michael Cera.
No.
Is that fair?
Like, even milder and not as strong.
Michael Sarah is like on steroids compared to...
No, no, no.
But is it Adam's tall and live?
I think...
Do you want to arm wrestle across the table?
Oh, yes.
Come on.
No, I can't.
This rotator cuff.
Oh, really?
Huh?
I'd like to see this.
My money's on this guy. Wait a minute. Whoever wins an arm wrestling struggle
does not win the fight.
No, it is a one indicator of strength.
It doesn't mean I would beat you in a fight,
but it means I'd beat you in a single feet of strength.
This thing's in the way.
Oh, no.
But listen, let's keep the conversation going for a bit
first, OK?
And then we'll see if this so-called test of fighting aptitude gets us there.
You know, so every time you're in a stressful situation,
or let's say you're walking down the street with your wife,
and some fug stands in the way and says,
give me money, you're gonna say,
we'll arm wrestle and see who gets my gold.
Is that what you'll say?
It's, I mean, it came to mind.
We can figure out other ways to test.
How about I fight you?
I fight you, but you're blindfolded.
I mean, I'm not that, you know, mic'd up.
It's easier to say the table.
And what about now, Matt, what do you when you see me
when you see you coming after me?
I know you're a just and stuff, but come on.
I mean, look at look at this guy.
This guy is great.
You're super fit for your range.
And I want to say this.
The only thing I've got going in my corner
is a desperate need to prove something
to you, my father figure.
Yes!
And so that might be enough to take me over the top.
Also, I'm betting, just because I know you got
a lot of flea markets and you love to buy weird things,
I bet you have a Flemish suit of armor at home.
And probably some kind of antique brass knuckle.
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
I'm going with that knife cane, you know.
You have all kinds of weapons ironically.
What's an ironic thing?
Oh, like a bumbershoot that has a little...
That's what I just said.
A little knife that comes out.
That's what I literally just said.
I know, but it comes out...
Before you even got that.
But one that has like a James Bond...
That's what I just said.
You didn't say one that has a little knife that comes out.
I did, I said, I did.
Did you?
Did he say this?
Oh, I think I would lose this fight.
I wouldn't even know I was in a fight.
I'm telling you, as my body grows stronger and it does every day, ladies,
I think my mind is going.
I didn't hear you say that, but then again, I was yelling at you
and I wasn't really listening. You need your mind.
You know, you can't just be fleet of foot.
You need your mind in a fight, you know? Yeah.
And coordination. You have no coordination.
You have no coordination.
Get to the bigger thing. And I think so.
And it could take you. I can easily take you. And you know, I have the rage. You know, I do have no coordination. Let's get to the bigger thing, and I think Sona could take you. I can easily take you.
And you know I could take you.
You know what? I do have the rage.
I will say this, an angry Sona beats everyone in this room.
Yeah, I think we're all in it.
And I've seen you when your blood is up.
Yeah.
And you are the Khaleesi.
It's insane.
The dragons, the whole thing.
But you don't have, yes, you are a strong person.
And I have a lot of inter-raids.
Oh, for sure.
But you also, you don't have very much coordination.
And I think you'd be doing a lot of bits.
I would do bits.
You'd be putting the pen and be like,
I must dash a pen.
Yes, yes, I would do bits as I fought,
which I think is very impressive.
I managed to do bits when I fight people.
I don't think that is impressive.
And I think you get beaten up.
Unless it's a distracting tactic.
Oh, it wouldn't be distracting.
It's a lot of me using glasses.
If I have a pen, I make it a mustache or I make it,
like, I'm a walrus with one.
Yeah, you did the wall, one guy with a walrus guy.
I'm a walrus with one tusk, you know?
There's only one way to decide this,
and that is right now.
Fight Club.
Yeah, Battle Royale.
The six of us.
Why don't you guys go right now?
Okay, so, what are you doing?
Trying to swing at you.
Already I feel like,
I don't know anything about arm wrestling technique,
but I can tell it's not right.
I know nothing about arm wrestling.
All right.
And I don't think it's a chest of strength.
All right, on your marks.
Oh, wait, we hold these hands?
Ready?
Wait, what are you doing?
Hold the bottom.
What are you doing?
Trying to say something.
Matt reached over and held my other hand.
This is over the top rules.
If we don't have the little joysticks.
Wait, what?
But why did you hold my hand? This is what you do. Hey, do don't have the little joysticks, what?
But why did you hold my hand?
This is what you do.
Hey, do you want to get one milkshake and two straws?
Yes.
Hey, how about we both start on different ends of a strand of spaghetti and move our way
into the middle?
Have you people never arm wrestled with someone you loved dearly and wanted to get closer to?
Can I say something else?
Sonia, give me your hand.
He held my hand and he did a little bit of that.
It was a little bit of a rub. No, you do this. And there's the rest. Sonia, give me your hand. He held my hand and he did a little bit of that.
It was a little bit of a rub.
No, you do this.
And there's a wealth.
Why are you doing it?
You do this?
No, that's on the side.
That's not in the middle.
That's on the side.
There's no way for you up to go.
That's blocking, then.
A disagreement is broken out in chess club is what's happening.
This is the weirdest I have ever seen.
My microphone is over here.
What are you going to do with this one?
I have never seen this checkmate before. Ready never see the checkmate before. I never see the checkmate before.
Wait.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're on this side of the table pushing that way.
Gorley won easily.
You saw what he did.
You're on this side of the table.
There's no way.
Let's switch places on this side of the table. There's no way. Well, let's switch places then.
Arm wrestling.
No, just stay there, but get here.
This is chaos.
Here we go. Ready?
Yep.
What? Wait, no!
One, win.
No!
One to one.
One to one.
Hold his other hand.
Oh, come on. I'm not doing shit.
And go.
There you go.
He's using his hands. That's what doing shit, man. Go. This is...
He's just...
Lift around his arm.
Oh, wait!
No!
Are you okay?
What happened?
What the fuck's wrong with you?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Can't you arm wrestle?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
He broke my skin.
Stabbed him with a pen.
Here's the thing.
I'm dirty.
You're the one with poison tipped umbrella.
That is arm wrestling. Look, when I said I would would win what I'm telling you is I would win I
Would use anything in the room to win. Yeah, you know what you would I think you would I think you're the best like cheater
Yeah, I don't call it cheating. Is it cheating when Jason Bourne?
uses
He uses something in the kitchen
when the Russian attacks him and beats him.
That's not cheating.
He does use a pen, but he uses the pointy nib
and you just took like the blunt, curvy ends.
Because I didn't, look at that.
Matt, I didn't wanna hurt you.
Do you realize if I'd used the sharp?
I thought about that.
You did, you could've killed me.
I would like, my dream is that all of you attack me at once. That's my dream, too.
Okay, I think we all have the same dream.
You all attack me at once, and then I just become this like,
whirligig, this red tornado.
There's potatoes in there and fists.
And you all, and then there's single shots of each of you
flying up against the wall.
And Eduardo, you hit the wall and then you go like,
do you hear birds and you slowly sink to the bottom?
And then you hit the wall
and your hairs turn jet black, Blake.
Guys, he's begging us to attack him.
This is our one chance to take this man down.
I'm giving you, listen, it doesn't even have to be now.
You're allowed to attack me at any time.
I'm like, Cluso.
Cluso and Canada.
Yeah, I just want to, I love the idea.
Do you have to see it coming or can we ninja style it?
He wants it ninja.
Oh, I'd like to see you try Eduardo.
I can hear you coming a mile away,
muttering the latest soccer scores.
That's what you do Eduardo.
That's what you do.
This is everybody down to whoa.
Arsenal two.
Two, that's a score?
Ridiculous.
Manchester one.
I always hear you before I see you.
I do think that when powered by rage
or if I feel that my career is at stake,
then I become a whirligig.
Yeah, but you don't, I mean, you don't feel that.
Like so when you don't feel those things, you're powerless. Yeah, I'd be killed quickly. Yeah, but you don't, I mean, you don't feel that. Like, so when you don't feel those things,
you're powerless.
Yeah, I'd be killed quickly.
Yeah, okay.
At least you know that.
I do feel like you, and this is not a joke,
I do feel like there is some kind of superpower
that activates when you're shooting a remote.
Yes.
Or we're doing a bit.
Like, we were, if I can say this, we were in Thailand
and it was a hundred and eight.
Well, that was a sex trip.
You don't talk about that.
Oh, you mean for the new HBO Max show?
They knew the HBO Max show.
Oh, but don't talk about the other time we went to Thailand.
That really gets us right.
The sex trips.
The second time we went to Thailand,
it was 108 degrees, and even people who live there
were like dying, and not only did you outside
do a whole
kickboxing thing, like a very physical for,
I think like two hours, you also,
we went to a climbing gym and you climbed to the top.
Well, my thing is I've always been able to,
if I think it's going to be funny, you can shoot me.
I don't want to put this out there.
With a glass, with a fake bullet.
No, but if I think it's going to be funny,
I can do things.
You can walk on water.
You will walk on water.
Oh, no, that's making me Christ-like.
Okay, sorry.
I think I'm more of a Buddha.
All seeing, all knowing, omniscient, big belly.
I think that, yes, I need those kind of stakes.
Otherwise, yeah, I would collapse immediately.
Yeah, I think I'm a tissue man, a man made of tissue.
But let's see, you're all welcome to attack me at any time.
So we should attack you off-camera is what you're saying.
Or whatever you wanna do, if you wanna attack me.
Would your brothers kick your ass?
First of all, that's just rude.
And secondly, yes.
Yeah. Yeah secondly, yes. Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
Neil, Neil bigger than me, much stronger than me.
And, but actually Luke and I together couldn't take Neil.
So we used to try and, we were like these two small countries
in the Ottoman Empire that banded together
to try and take on, you know, a huge empire.
We, and he could still take us.
And he would just laugh and throw us around the room.
So I think maybe a secret to why I'm so hostile.
I, who can know?
Who can never know?
Did you pick on Justin?
Cause he was so little.
I would never do that.
And Justin, if you're listening, my apologies
for 15 years of hell, I had to go to college.
So I had to stop. Oh, so I had to stop.
Oh, okay, okay, good.
No, I would play with Justin all the time.
He's our youngest.
But I would play, my games were insane.
I mean, he was like,
it's like he was trapped with a madman.
So most he would say, can we play cops and robbers?
And I'd say sure.
And so I'd be the robber and he'd be the cop.
Then he'd like, say, you're under arrest.
And I'd say, well, okay, I'm suing you now.
And he'd be like, what?
And I'd set up a table and say,
you need to fill out these forms
because I think you had no right.
And I think you avoided my constitutional right.
And then I remembered it ended once with him.
I said, you have to go into this prison
because you've been taken up the police force.
This is like 1981.
He said, you have to go into this prison.
And I said, you're the guy who shares a set with you
is a robot who's there to spy on you.
And he was like, what's happening?
I just want to play cops and robbers.
Oh, my God.
So that's, I mean.
And he's a lawyer now.
He's a lawyer now.
I think to fight to fight those same injustices. I love you, Justin. And I mean. And he's a lawyer now. He's a lawyer now. I think to fight those same injustices.
I love you Justin and I apologize.
I thought we were having fun.
I don't even know you and I love you Justin and I sympathize and I feel for you and I
apologize.
It's so funny I had to leave my family and I recreated one here and I figured out a
way to turn it into a quasi business.
And then just, oh good, I can pick on these guys.
You're the Neil.
Yeah, not really. All right, well, this was, I think we learned a lot. I think we learned a lot
here, which is, Gourley, you would fairly beat me arm wrestling. I still think it was a real fight.
I could distract you. I could say there's
some memorabilia over there from the Nixon Museum and then I would just take your head off.
And I don't think it's worth it to arm wrestle unless you can hold hands. So what's the point
otherwise? Give a little give a little. It's not weird. Look it up people. That's how you grade
school arm wrestle. I don't know. And he had like weird. It was really weird. And it was tender.
But you know what I will say? Can I say something? No, that's what you use when you don't know and he had like weird It was really weird and it was tender That's what you're talking about, you know what I will say?
Can I say something? No, that's what you use when you don't have the over-the-top joysticks thing
You don't hold hands! They've never held hands!
Sona, Sona, he wanted to hold my hand, let it go
You hold hands, you arm wrestle, you see each other later
You realize you're closer than you think
You find out what's in common
And then you take a little drive
Alright, I'm gonna to end it there.
Attack, it will.
Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
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