Doughboys - See's Candies with John Hodgman
Episode Date: February 15, 2024John Hodgman (@johnhodgman, Dicktown) joins the 'boys to discuss not having a sweet tooth and Valentine's Day before celebrating Love Week with a review of See's Candies. Plus, a new segment,... Binge.Watch this episode at youtube.com/doughboysmediaGet ad-free episodes at patreon.com/doughboysGet Doughboys merch at doughboys.kinshipgoods.comAdvertise on Doughboys via Gumball.fmSources for this week's intro:https://www.biography.com/musicians/sonny-cher-relationshiphttps://ultimateclassicrock.com/sonny-and-cher-comedy-hour-tv-show/https://blankonblank.org/2016/05/sonny-and-cher-short-history/https://people.com/music/cher-dating-history/https://www.sees.com/newsandchews/the-history-of-sees-candies.htmlSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This is a headgum podcast. A crossover with fellow Fox network hit the X Files. Titled the Springfield Files, the episode includes an eyewitness news segment where
Anchorman Kent Brockman speaks with a man who woke up after 23 years in a coma.
Man, do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
Kent Brockman, no, she won an Oscar and he's a congressman.
Man, good night!
The man then flatlines in his hospital bed and dies. She won an Oscar and he's a congressman. Man, good night.
The man then flatlines in his hospital bed and dies.
The scene would no doubt baffle zoomers and millennials today
as it did to young Gen Xers in 1997.
All too young to experience the cultural ubiquity
of the sunny and share comedy hour,
a variety show that aired from 1971 to 1974
and was briefly revived in 1976.
Hosted by married musical acts Sonny and Cher Bono, the series may have been corny and dismissed
by taste makers, but it was popular with ordinary Americans and helped launch the careers of young
cast members Steve Martin and Super Dave Bob Einstein. But Sonny and Cher might never have met in the first place, if not, for a candy shop.
In 1963, 16-year-old dropout Sherilyn Sarkeesian was supporting herself working at a Los Angeles
location of a chain chocolate store when she met 27-year-old record executive Bono.
Some accounts say as a customer, others say at a party, others still at a coffee shop double
date. But in all tellings, the recently separated bono soon offered the teenager a new job as his live-in housekeeper, which she readily accepted.
The two were soon both dating and recording and married in 1964.
And while a modern lens might view this relationship as weird and predatory,
Cher still reflects fondly on her mentor and romantic partner,
her father figure slash husband. In 1965, Sonny and Cher released their hit single
I Got You Babe, an earworm that was massively popular in its day but is now best known as
Alarm Clock Torture Endured by Bill Murray's character in Groundhog Day. After the Sonny and
Cher comedy hour ended, the couple had an acrimonious divorce both romantically and professionally, though they later reconciled and would remain lifelong friends.
And as the Simpsons rift on, they each found individual success.
Sunny threw his political career as a California Republican and Cher as simply Cher.
Their son, Chas Bono, also became a celebrity in his own right and an early
icon of transgender visibility. When Sunny died in a tragic skiing accident in 1998,
just one year after being roasted on the Simpsons, it was Cher who delivered the eulogy,
thus bookending a complicated decades-long relationship that encompassed the entirety
of love in its myriad forms. And it all goes back to a candy chain that today has 200 nationwide locations, perhaps
one of them staffed by a future diva.
This week on Doughboys, I got you, buddy, as we celebrate Love Week with C's candies. Welcome to Doe Boys, the podcast about chain restaurants.
I'm Nick Weiger along with my co-host.
Stu Pendis in Twisted Metal,
The Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell.
Why is it must be Love Week?
Mitch, it is indeed Love Week.
That is a toast Spoon Man as we celebrate Love Week
here on the podcast.
Oh, wow.
What a nice way to start the app.
Sending this one to give more kudos to Mitch.
Twisted Metal was a highlight of my 2023 TV watching.
Can't wait for season two, which is coming.
Good thing he said TV watching.
I was very nervous there.
It was a highlight of his 2023.
Thanks for making my.
It was a highlight of my 2023, I guess.
It should be.
Did we film in 2022?
I don't know.
What was the exact timeline?
No, we didn't.
Was it 2023 and they turned around that quickly?
I don't know.
I don't know because there was such a long work stoppage in 2023, I feel like you probably filmed the book event
in 2020. Yeah, in 2022.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I don't think you're right.
It felt like it was going on for so long
because I remember back when you were auditioning
for the role, we were actually on tour.
We were on tour.
In Nashville.
I used Wiges as your little jack-jack.
I used your hotel room. That'sack. Jackshack. Jackshack. Jackshack. Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack.
Jackshack. Jackshack. Jackshack. Jackshack. Wherever we go, they love him.
He's a bonus, I know that.
Am I talking now?
We can talk to you.
We, our guests can talk about Nodalian status,
but it's like, this is a big.
You've got loyalty.
Yes, yeah.
You've got status with a major hotel chain.
Yeah, and I think this is the thing,
you pick one, right?
And you just put all your-
You're a Bon Voy boy?
You're a Voy boy?
I was Bon Voy, I'm more Hilton, like gold elite.
I'm more in the Hilton family.
But they're both like, it's one or two.
It's one or the other.
It's like this kind of duopoly of chain hotels.
And those are the ones that are in most major cities.
So you pick one and just-
In Nashville, you got a nice Jack Shack.
And you got a twin queen Jack Shack.
I think it was a king maybe.
I think you had a king bed in there.
Yeah, it might have been.
Yeah, I'd laid on it.
Did you get a bed at all?
Oh no, I mean, hotel rooms are kind of the same.
Thanks for making my life a little more joyful
with this podcast.
Cheers Danielle, aka Dee Abrams on the Dose Squad.
Hey D Abrams, we know D Abrams.
We met Mike Carlson and I met D Abrams, IRL at Eva Anderson's Immersive.
Oh wow, yes.
Okay, yeah.
We're podcasters.
We sign up for every bonus rewards program there is.
We're podcasters.
We sit and record dialogue with friends.
I'm doing, I'm trying to-
We're podcasters.
We started out on audio
and now are uncomfortably on video.
They were on audio for a reason.
And now we're here.
We're podcasters.
We repeat some of the same stories.
I'm trying to do the thing. What's the thing? It's a digital thing. We're podcasters. We'll repeat some of the same stories. I'm trying to do the thing.
What's the thing?
It's a thing.
It's an online thing.
It's an online thing.
It's an online thing.
It's a TikTok real deal.
Oh my God.
It's the real deal.
I don't know this at all.
Just say we're podcasters and they-
So we're podcasters.
And it's a double podcast thing.
Okay.
Right.
We're podcasters.
We'll say something and then it'll be taken out of context and used against us.
That's true.
That's exactly right.
Okay, great.
Exactly.
What, this is like a TikTok thing?
Uh, yeah, on Instagram.
I see it on Reels on Instagram.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not a TikTok person, but it's there.
We're podcasters.
There's definitely some sexual tension.
There's stuff like that.
Yeah, okay, okay.
It's Love Week.
Another one. We's stuff like that. Yeah, okay, okay. It's love week. Another one.
We're gonna go viral.
Okay.
We're podcasters and we rely on editing
to close up gaps.
We're podcasters.
We say some problematic stuff that gets LL out. There we go. We're podcasters. We say some problematic stuff that gets LL out.
There we go.
We're podcasters.
We're live performers who sit at tables
instead of standing up and giving you a show.
We're podcasters.
We have a preset agenda for the show we try to stick to,
but sometimes we go on tangents.
Take us off message.
Yours sound like just complaints to me.
No, I'm just, we had a few little more business to get to.
Oh, one of us, option, we have a couple of backups
because it's Love Week.
A lot of people send in some really nice things.
It was hard to pick just one Toast Spoon Man.
Wow.
Here's another one.
Along with my co-host, you had me at Jell-O,
the Spoon Man Mike Mitchell.
Kind of still a roast, I guess.
Thanks, Doe Boy's family with the month of Love.
Oh, wait, that's a, that's a little choice
of metal reference.
Yeah, with the month of Love,
I hope you can give a shout out to my love.
Oh, it's not a month, it's just a week,
but this is a nice sentiment.
I hope you can give a shout out to my lovely wife, Melissa,
in 2024, we're celebrating 20 years together
and are 10 years married.
Wow, that's right.
Melissa?
Melissa, this is our buddy, Barry Lamb,
and his wife, Melissa.
Wow.
Very cool.
And then this one also, congratulations.
I knew someone named Melissa who's married to a Ralph.
I thought that was Ralph and Melissa. Melissa and Ralph. But it's not a good duo. That's this one also. Congratulations. I knew someone named Melissa who's married to a Ralph. I thought that was Ralph and Melissa.
Melissa and Ralph.
That's a good duo.
Yeah.
Barry, what a great guy you are. Great guy.
We're podcasters.
We're podcasters.
Sometimes we get confused over Melissa and Melissa.
Because we know a Melissa weirdly.
We're podcasters.
We pander to our audience by name to encourage parasocial relationships.
Speaking of which, the other backup.
The only thing better than a Tinder match is a Tinder Mitch.
That's very sweet.
Hello to the entire Doe Boyz family.
I don't know if this toast works,
but it came to me very quickly and now it's coming to you.
That is not a double entendre, by the way,
because we aren't talking about that kind of stuff this year.
Thanks as always for the laughs.
McClain, aka diehardjokesonthedosecored,
rosedbirdfuck.com.
Wow.
What a way to kick off Love Week.
Yeah.
You know, I was down on Love Week coming in, now I feel pretty good.
Yeah.
Why were you down on Love Week?
Yeah.
Fuck.
Get love.
The cranky curmudgeon of Quincy himself?
Bah, cumbug, get love. The cranky curmudgeon of Quincy himself? Bah, cum bug, I say.
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Now wait a minute.
I thought the New Year's resolution.
Yeah.
I won't do it again after that.
Has it been changed to now put it into everything possible?
Put the cum into everything? I did. I was thinking of a funny cum joke on the way over
and I can't now recall it. Something with Y's. Boy, what day is it? Boy, it's love week,
sir. Ebenezer, Splooge, running around. All happy, just jacking off. They're all across the town.
Catch this boy!
Go choke the finest chicken in town!
As the boy catching, he opens his mouth to catch it.
We're podcasters. Sometimes we talk about cops. Mitch, I know you gotta drop.
Oh yeah. How the hell to Spoon Nation who I love dearly. Here's a little drop.
Casey, Emma, take it away.
Mitch! If I wear a rich Yeah, baby. Do you think a pot's go baby?
There would be one long staircase just going up and one even longer coming down I have stairs now Mitch maker Mitch maker make me a Mitch
Mitch
People are just gonna mention stairs over and over again.
That's right.
I liked it.
Mitch Maker.
Mitch Maker.
Very lovely, appropriate.
Yeah.
Tevia, is that his name in the movie?
That's correct.
Tevia.
And Fiddler on the Roof.
Fiddler on the Roof.
Yeah.
Who's the guy who played him?
What's his name?
Zero Mostel.
Zero Mostel, honestly.
Although it's one of those things
where Zero Mostel, a movie star, played him on Broadway
and then when they made the film adaptation, they cast someone else, right? Oh, right actor
I can't remember who it is. I can't remember what it is. I was wrong
I mean, I thought I was right, but I was you might be you might be right
But there's one of those examples where it's like it was a no-brainer just cast this person right in the adaptation
Then they didn't cast them for some reason. Maybe it was I will tell looking up, I will tell, love the podcast, I'll read this email,
love the podcast, my drop is picked,
I'd like to shout out,
datadan.com slash mission.
I re-edited Mission Impossible, Fallout,
so that there is no spoken dialogue.
D-A-D-A-D-A-N dot com slash mission.
That's fascinating. That's Dan Goodbaum, that's gonna get taken down pretty quick. A-D-A-D-A-N dot com slash mission.
That's fascinating.
That's Dan Goodbaum.
That's gonna get taken down pretty quick.
Yeah.
Is that a, I wonder if it's like the Soderbergh thing
where he just took the audio out of Raiders the Lost Ark
and then just appreciated its visual majesty
and made it black and white.
Or if there's actually edited out the dialogue
and made it into just like a, yeah, I wonder. That's a fetish for some people. Yeah, I wonder yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I have no idea
But go check out the website
The actor is a
Topal to help. Oh, yeah, that's right a one named actor. Yes. Yeah, right who I played in the film adaptation
1971 well, you know, I was wrong long long movie big. I probably had an intermission in it
in 1971. That's right. Well, you were right.
We were right, I was wrong.
One minute, long, long movie, big one.
Damn, probably had an intermission in it.
Probably did.
Movies had intermissions.
I love an intermission.
Yeah. Yeah.
I love L'Chaim to life.
Great thing to say.
That's right.
That's a great, and it's a great set piece in the movie.
It's great.
To life, to life, L'Chaim.
L'Chaim, L'Chaim to life.
That's all I remember of it.
Oh, there you go.
There we go.
We're podcasters.
Sometimes we hit our microphone.
Drops at birdfuck.com.
Our guest today, an appropriate Love Week guest
because a guest we love, one of our favorites.
That's true.
On our Mount Gus, guest more I would say.
That's very kind.
Mount, exactly.
Mount Cumbmore.
From his podcast, Judge John Hodgman and Dicktown
on a Hulu, John Hodgman is back.
Hi, John.
Hi, Nick and Mitch.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being here.
What a treat.
We love you, Mitch.
We love you, buddy.
I love you too.
I love you, Emma.
Love you, Casey.
Love you, Amelia.
Love you, Head Gum.
Head Gum, hunks and hotties.
Oh, they're not looking at me.
Okay, anyway.
They're out there.
No, I don't exist in there.
They are out there.
I'm totally ignoring this show. They're staring right through me. Okay, great. Hi, I love you, though. You guys are doing the dough thing? Oh, they're not looking at me. Okay, anyway, they're out there. No, I don't exist. They're totally ignoring this. You're staring right through me.
Okay, great.
Are you guys are doing the dough thing?
Oh, cool.
That's cool. Good for you.
Have fun.
Hey, those, those factor, like factor sent over some keto meals for you,
but I figured you wouldn't have them.
So I just took it.
Okay, cool.
Cool, man.
Also, we are very much are like uh
It's just like you know there's two glass windows. It feels very much like a zoo like these like very attractive people looking at
Yes, right me and you in here
This is what humanity used to look like before we evolved
We have kept these specimens around
I saw them taking notes.
We're podcasters.
We make average people feel really hot.
And hot people feel like gods.
Hodgman, you're here in studio.
We love getting in studio.
And you're in LA for a little bit.
You did SF sketch fest.
Last year you were in town and we had you on the show around the same time actually
That's right time of year. Mm-hmm. We reviewed spits spits. Have you been back to spits?
Cuz I have not I have not been but there aren't anywhere I live in the East Coast. Yeah of the United States, right?
So but I but I think about that meal a lot. I enjoyed it. It was good. Yeah, I was like this is good
And I liked it. I can't remember how we scored it fork-wise,
but it was like a good Mediterranean meal.
This is good.
Have you been back?
No, I haven't, and that's why I was one.
I have you been back, Mitch.
Have you been back?
I've probably been, I've probably had one twice.
We're podcasters, but you haven't been back.
You haven't been back, though, you said.
I think I've been back once or twice.
I sometimes will, sometimes get it for lunch occasionally.
I was thinking of it the other day
because some zhug sauce popped up on a takeout menu
which we had there and we talked about it.
S-C-H-U-G.
Something like that, yeah.
I thought it was Z-H-O-U-G.
O-U-G, I wanna say.
That's what it is.
Mr. Dictionary.
But I bet it's a doctor dictionary for God's soul.
An Anglicization of a non, you know, of an Arabic word or something.
Right.
He's looking it up.
Yeah, it's alternate.
And there's an alternate spelling.
Right.
But it's actually spelled a bunch of different ways, I guess.
But yes, Z-H-U-G is the most common.
Anyway, it reminded me of that meal.
And I was like, well, I better come back.
And I wonder what delicious food we're gonna eat.
Well, today I asked myself.
Yes.
And then I discovered it's not food at all.
Well, here's the thing, because we know
when we've talked about this podcast,
you have talked about your absence of a sweet tooth.
I don't, yes, I don't have any desire
to ever eat sweets of any kind.
Yes.
I've said before and I will say again, I do not have a sweet tooth, eat sweets of any kind. I've said before, and I will say again,
I do not have a sweet tooth, I have an alcohol molar.
Yeah, I've had the same aim.
I can't imagine Twisted Metal that way.
No sweet tooth?
Be unwatchable.
Come on, what's going on?
So much fun.
Where's the narrative drive?
Where's the antagonist?
We're always plugging.
Vacationland, Howeville, and Paperback. Watch DickicTown on Hulu and of course judge Sean Ojman every Wednesday at maximumfun.com
Make a note to register maximumfun.com immediately
I or maximalfund.com immediately. I mean, porno websites should use that.
Dot com.
I don't know if dot com is an available top level domain.
Yeah, but why not?
Yeah, why not?
They should use it.
They could make it up.
They're all made up.
It's true.
Well, I think there was a move at a certain point
to make a dot triple X,
but no one that wanted to use that.
Yeah, because it's not funny.
It's stigmatizing, yeah.
Yeah, dot com is funny.
Dot com is funny. Dot com is funny.
Dot com is funny.
It'll be worth it, I think.
Speaking of Love Week, I think it would be.
I really do think it would be worth it.
Let's Amelia Emma,
let's look into see if we can get birdfuck.com.
Just just just check it out.
I know that it might be a little bit more work.
Whatever it costs, I shall pay.
Would you be OK? It's changing over to birdfuck.com. If it costs, I shall pay. Would you be okay?
It's changing over to birdfuck.com.
If it was available, but we'd need a minimum to redirect from the existing URL because
we've got, you know, a lot of, yeah, the site is under construction.
There's a lot of construction being done on this site.
Right, right, right.
Um, for Love Week Wags, I, um, I'm, uh, going to see Adam Sandler tonight. Wow. Wow. Fun. I got to see Adam. I am going to see Adam Sandler tonight.
Wow, how fun.
I got to see Adam.
I'm going to see Adam Sandler.
Where?
At the Elysian.
Oh, really?
Fantastic.
What's at what, do you know what his show is?
Is he doing stand up?
No, he's doing some stand up, I think.
Oh, how fun.
Yeah, I'm excited.
A performer I love.
Yeah.
I mean, I just guess that.
I'm not, I just.
Are you going to bring him a Valentine, Mitch?
I mean, honestly. Yeah, bring him not I just are you gonna bring a Valentine Mitch? I mean
Honestly, yeah, bring a big
You know you should do bring them a heart-shaped box of chocolates all of them have been half eaten by us
I don't know where you can get such a thing but if you could put your hands on that that would be a nice thing to Think that I know. I think I know one spot where to get that
That would be a nice thing to bring. I think that I know one spot where to get that.
That is another thing is like sometimes we have food left over and it is,
that's going to look very unappealing to the head gum hunks, just half-eaten chocolate.
Yeah, 100%. They're not going to want that.
And half-eaten football, which we'll get to.
We'll get to that. We'll get to the half-eaten football.
The, okay, so you're not someone who's like a sweets person.
No.
And I do like sweets.
I do have a little bit of a sweet too.
I don't hate them.
I just don't ever eat them and don't ever feel tempted
to eat them, but it's not, yeah.
I get what you're saying.
And I definitely am someone, like in terms of vices,
in terms of like, you know, unhealthy sugars,
I'm more of an alcohol person than like a dessert person.
But I do like desserts, but I'm curious like,
You say you're more of an alcohol person?
Yeah, that's what Hodgman was saying.
Okay, alright.
Well, I just mean like the thing, like if there's something in a room,
Yeah.
If there's like a banana split in a room,
I will walk by it, no problem.
I'll walk by it like the banana split is me and I'm a head gum hot of your hunk.
Just nothing.
You do nothing for me.
But if there were a gin martini,
Yeah. Or alternately a cheeseburger,
or some juke's sauce,
even just a cup of juke's sauce.
Oh, it sounds good.
It sounds great right now, honestly.
I'm gonna just take a little sip of that.
But I feel there's no, it has no hold on me, sugar.
Consequently, I don't eat it very often.
And consequently, when I do,
I'm fucking outside of my skin right now.
Yes. Oh, me too, I feel insane.
I do feel insane.
It's incredible.
Do you ever get this joke in a restaurant from a server
where if you get a drink, maybe you get a cocktail
and then maybe you get a round two,
and then they're like, do you want any dessert?
You're like, no, I'm good actually.
And then they point at your drinkers like, that's your dessert.
You ever get that one?
No. That's a lot of fun.
Sadly though, I have been the one to say, no, this is my dessert drinkers like that's your dessert. You ever get that one? No. That's a lot of fun. Sadly though, I have been the one to say no, this is my dessert.
Oh, that's good too.
And then I get put in weird dad jail for five years.
That's the worst.
Then everyone at my table who belongs to my family looks at me and goes,
no, stop.
I've never gotten that before.
Stop talking forever.
I never gotten that.
Maybe I don't know if I've ever turned down the dessert either
Yeah, um, did you say I want dad where dad jail is where I want to go?
It sounds like it sounds like he does you have any kids no
I brought sam I started thinking of a good card to
You're Valentine's for sam there
You're like Popeye's chicken.
I know, you fucking rock.
I wish I could go on 51st dates with you.
That's good.
That's really good.
I don't think, what else, what else?
I would love for you to sing at my wedding, our wedding.
I guess my, that's good.
You remind me of the O'Doills, you rule.
Something like that, you know?
I mean, these aren't funny or fun,
but I think they're good.
Yeah, I think they're good.
We're not going for funnier.
We're podcasters, we're gonna go for funny or fun.
We're all, we're podcasters, we're always workshopping.
You just pitch on something for a few minutes and it's not working and then you just keep it in the episode.
People listen to it.
That was pretty good.
That was pretty good.
We got to get to something here.
Yes, please.
Four.
You announced to us before we tried all these chocolates that you have grown in allergy to
Oh boy, yeah.
Nothing.
I think.
Okay.
I think.
I think.
I think.
I think.
I think. I think. Nutting. I think.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I mean, that could be like a raunchy comedy.
Very hard or at least challenging for me.
That could be the premise of like a, you know,
like a guy who's like,
hey, you have a, you actually have an allergy to nutting
so you can only edge.
And so like it's very, very dangerous for this person.
Sure, Josh Hartnett.
Yeah, it feels like a Josh Hartnett.
He just was in the movie where he couldn't,
like he couldn't come, right?
Right, right.
Sorry, I know that, but this is very technical here.
In the movie.
Yeah, we're discussing it from our artistic perspective.
Except 40 days and 40 nights.
40 days and 40 nights, yeah.
Yeah, he couldn't ej from our artistic perspective. Except 40 days and 40 nights. 40 days and 40 nights, yeah.
Yeah, he couldn't ejaculate as they say. Yeah, as they say.
Because of a supernatural curse or what? No, this was a...
No, it was a bet. He was giving up for Lent, right?
Oh, that's where it is. Yeah, Lent.
He was giving it up for Lent and then he put it...
It was just like early 2000s, there was a very religious theme behind it.
Yeah, he was very horny and then he was like,
I gotta give this up.
And then he found himself in very horny situations.
And he was like, I can't do this
because of my love of Almighty God.
And then he, I think he doesn't, I don't think he nuts.
It was one of the best in cell romcoms
of the early 2000s.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
There were a lot of them too. There were a lot of them too.
Yeah.
There were a lot of them.
So what I'm actually dealing with, Mitch,
is I feel like I may have developed a late in life.
This happened with people, and surprisingly to me,
because I've always enjoyed nuts,
and I've eaten a lot of nuts over the course of my life,
a big peanut butter guy, big snacking on almonds guy.
I feel like I've developed a late in life nut allergy.
And it's sense like when I have nuts,
I start to feel symptoms of a kind of anaphylaxis,
like shortness of breath, narrowing of breathing passages.
And I think there's maybe a world where it's psychosomatic
where I don't actually have an allergy
and this is just a thing I'm dealing with,
or I've actually developed an analogy,
and I got to talk to an allergist,
but certainly if you're gonna have a big box of chocolates,
and you don't know what they are,
then there's the potential risk
of there are gonna be some nuts in here.
How are you feeling now?
Do you feel like you got nutted?
I don't feel like I got nutted.
Okay. Yeah.
No, I think I danced around all the nut options.
Cause also like I think of the nut options were pretty nutty.
Like you could kind of tell which ones the nuts were.
And then also the, we got a separate kind of container
and everyone was very accommodating.
We had a separate container
that had the dark chocolate peanut butter ones,
the hearts for you to try.
Yeah.
But. You can tell which ones had loads on them. They were, they were
uh,
they, uh, they, they, they, it was Amelia was cutting them in
half.
That's right.
A funny thing though. And also I'm surprised. I guess coconut
is the nut that you're allergic to because you were searching
for the coconut or does it affect you?
I haven't had an issues with coconut specifically. No, coconut's been fine
I actually I don't know what families all this shit is, you know, but coconut's been fine
And I also love coconut coconut is like one of my favorite sweet things
Coconut cream pie one of my favorite pies. I like it too because it is not just sweet
But it is also savory. Yes. Yeah, and has a great texture to it. And the candy bar that I like the best is zagnut.
Wow, zagnut.
Is no proper milk chocolate and it is like
cocoa and toasted coconut,
and maybe some toffee or something.
Yeah, very savory. Very savory.
You know my favorite nut family?
The Mitchell's.
What a bunch of mixed nuts they are.
Before we get into-
For podcasters, we try to sell it with a facial expression.
Even for our audio listeners.
Before we get into Cease Candy though,
I do wanna talk a little bit more generally.
Cease Candy is what we're doing. Cease Candy is what we're talking about.
Right.
I feel insane, way too much sugar.
I haven't eaten anything else I feel out of my mind.
Yeah.
I had a breakfast burrito and an apple,
so I had something ahead of time.
We ate a chocolate football, which was pretty big.
Yes.
But I feel very, I feel wired, I feel insane. Yeah. I feel very, I feel wired.
I feel insane.
Yeah.
I feel very much in love with both of you right now.
Yeah.
Okay, here's my question.
As someone who, you know, it's,
as someone with a family, is Valentine's dinner?
Yeah, here I am.
We're podcasters.
I'm a grown man with two adult children
talking about coming on a podcast.
We're podcasters.
Some of us used to be on television.
I got told you before we started, I said my father and his father before him, they were
podcasters.
It was.
I come from a podcasting family.
A long line of Massachusetts podcasters starting with John Winthrop,
governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony,
with his podcast,
Fuck, Anne Hutchinson,
your exile to Rhode Island.
I was gonna try to do some historical joke
and I didn't even know what to do.
I happened to be boning up on the antinomian controversy
of the Massachusetts Bay Colony on Monday.
Wow. to do an
Anne Hutchinson quote for my podcast, Judge John Hodgman.
So I'm not walking around with this information.
I know you've spent some time in Boston, but you would love a deep dive on the history of
Boston.
He's not allowed back in New England because he was allergic last time.
Western Massachusetts.
I did get an allergic reaction.
I did have an allergic reaction.
Yeah.
That was another weird.
Too close to the cotton gins.
They were some, lol, there's some cotton gins.
Yeah, you didn't like, something that, something that, so our son was there when we did that
show. Oh, yes, right.
And it's together. And something that he and I continuously bond over, or continually bond
over, is when Mitch was giving you shit for not appreciating the, I think it was the North River that you were driving by
to get to Mass Mocha in Western Massachusetts.
And you were like, it was a beautiful river.
And Wyger, you said, yeah, it was a, it got the job done.
It got the job done, I guess.
Like, not wrong.
Yeah, of transporting water from uphill to downhill.
Think about it all the time.
You were not happy with Western Massachusetts.
There's a lot of great history there,
I think that you would like.
I really enjoyed, and I will say, our guest, John Hodgman.
Great history, one corner of the triangle trade,
that's great history.
That's fun, let's talk about that.
Great history.
Yeah.
How about the theft of territory from indigenous peoples?
You know, that one's more complicated.
Terrific history.
Let's talk about busing in South Boston
in the 1670s, yeah.
Listen to my dad's podcast for that stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Um, did you go to the Lowell Mills?
Did you ever take a trip there?
I worked there as a child laborer from 1769 to 1801.
I'm now in the 14th reincarnation of John Hodgman.
Yeah, yeah, I'm like Dr. Who.
I've never been in the Lowell Mills.
I wanted to say, because you're talking about history
and you were talking about Boston,
our guest, John Hodgman.
That's me.
When I got to Boston for the first time,
took me on a walking tour across the entire city.
We walked from the train station to the hotel,
but you're right, that is pretty much it.
That was the span of that day.
It's like 17 blocks, it's not that big of a town.
Yes, that's right.
No, we had a lovely walk. It was a very nice time. And you were showing me stuff as we were walking by, that was part of it. You're like, check's like 17 blocks, it's not that big of a town. Yes, that's right. No, we had a lovely walk.
We were in a really nice time.
And you were showing me stuff as we were walking by.
That was part of it.
You're like, check this out.
Hey, there's that.
Look at that thing.
That's where this used to be.
That's where that used to be.
The famous weird dad tour of any place.
I loved it.
Yeah, thank you.
I enjoyed that walk as well.
A lot of fun.
What did you point out?
Was there...
I probably pointed out where Walker's Western Wear used to be.
Sounds right.
Because on Boston Common, there used to be a three-story department store full of Western wear.
Like, you know, like Western shirts and boots and stuff.
And I don't know why it was there, but it was famous.
And then it went away because they realized, oh shit, we're in New England.
No one wants this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're very few do.
You know, I think I'm gonna adopt that look.
Dana and I were talking.
You should wear Western shirts.
I've worn Western wear a few times and I felt like a million bucks.
Holy. We'll do it.
Let me say something.
Yeah.
You should come in.
You know what a nudie suit is?
No.
Well, look it up online.
Okay.
And then do another search because you got the wrong thing.
Nudie suit.
Oh.
Guaranteed.
New D IE suit, Western wear.
There's a pretty good face reaction for all you listeners out there.
New D suit.com, here we go.
Oh, yeah, no, I have seen these before.
Yeah.
Yeah, this is like a lot of fun.
It's a very loud Western shirt.
A big fancy rhinestone Western shirt hat and pants set that you would see like,
I don't know, it's like really fancy Western shows.
Yeah, this is really cool.
New D suit.
You know, I think you should have a new D suit made for you.
I would not look as cool as little Nossax looks in his new D suit, but.
Um, right.
This is a, I like this sort of flashy wardrobe.
Plus you could call up and say, hi, my name is Nick Weigher.
Can I get a nudie suit made?
We knew this day was coming.
This is, it's named for Nudie Cohn,
who was a Ukrainian-American tailor
who designed the nudie suit.
And how do they describe it as what it is there?
Let's see if I can find some.
A basic description. Yeah, let me see if I can find some... A basic description.
Yeah, let me see if I can find something on the Wikipedia here.
It's not a great short summary.
My favorite actor is president of Ukraine.
He's good.
Really?
Ben Zelinsky. Is that his name?
Is it Ben?
Yeah, no, that's right.
Ben Zelinsky is correct. He nailed it.
No, I'm sorry.
You know what? It's Scott.
Oh, Scott Zelinski.
My mistake.
Do you know who's from Lull?
I got to give him a shot.
Jack Kerouac.
Mickey Ward and then his brother, Dickey Eklund.
Mickey and Dickey?
Mickey and Dickey.
Is it his brother?
Is it from the fighter?
Remember the fighter?
Oh, yeah.
And Christian Bale does such a great...
Man, he's so good in that movie.
I don't know if I love that movie, really.
Yeah, the fighter's okay.
It's okay, but he's so...
It's a great performance.
Have you watched it again?
Christian Bale's so good in that movie.
And also feels like the most realistic, in a sad way, kind of fucked up
Boston-y person.
I have never seen it.
Oh man.
If you see it, he's so good.
It's very, it's maybe a little too Boston for me, is my concern.
It's a little, it is, it's very, it is, it is, it's very Boston-y.
Yeah.
And, and, and I mean like, but he's.
Because I'm, I'm not from Boston, I'm from Brookline.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was a weird, as nat, asmatic, nerdy, only child.
You might not even...
It was like going to high school with a suitcase full of Edward Gory books.
That's not my background.
And you, bosses, people may know you.
I mean, like I'd say I'm a Quincy nerd and I mean, like, like some of those real
bossany people, you're like, yeah, fuck this guy, he's paying the ass.
No, no, no, I don't say that about them.
They're great.
They're great. I don't want to get jumped. They're great. They're great.
They don't want to get jumped.
They know what I were talking about this last night, that there's no,
they, they, they, they never get.
I mean, like sometimes they get the, the, the, the accent right, but they never get the way people talk and boss incorrectly.
No move. No, there's no, it's not, they don't get it.
Yeah, they don't get it.
What do you mean? Like the, the chit, the word choice?
Yeah, the word choice and kind of like the attitude.
I mean like they make us assholes, which is partially correct.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
But like if we're not, it's not like gangster, you know what I mean?
I don't know.
It's just changed.
And they never nailed the way that we actually talk.
I think his example was that Casey Affleck called people Barney's or something in, in Goodwill Hunting, which he's like, no, it fucking does that.
You know what I mean?
Uh, anyways, they never.
Oh, was that, I think that that was supposed to be because they were Harvard students.
I believe so.
They were in Harvard yard.
Yeah.
And they were part of the barn yard.
Barn yard.
Okay.
And they would park their cars in the Barnard yard.
So they call them Barney's.
Yeah, they call them Barney's.
That's insane.
I actually feel like I heard that when call them barnies. That's insane.
I actually feel like I heard that when I was growing up.
Really?
Yeah, but I could be conflating it with seeing that movie.
Just they never, but Christian Bale, great.
You should watch it just for me.
All right, I'll watch it.
You won the Oscar for that, right?
Am I wrong?
I think you did.
Well, at least it was nominated.
This is from a GQ story. Nuda Yarenko escaped Kiev, landed in New York
in the early 20th century and rechristened himself
Nudi Cohen, then moved to California,
where he started making wild suits
embroidered with dogs, plants, feathers,
garlands, instruments, insanely patriotic eagles,
fellow imaginary cowboys and other symbols conjured
personally for each member of his country singer clientele.
And then it also includes rhinestones.
And so yeah, it's like this rhinestones stetted a wild pattern with a bunch of different,
you know, Western and assorted symbols and then just in loud colors.
It's really cool.
Yeah.
You should get one is what I'm saying.
I think I will.
Or do you know what?
Maybe I'll get one for you for Valentine's Day.
Wow.
An extraordinary present.
Yeah.
That would be nice because I'm sure that he doesn't celebrate. Do you sell, do you and Natalie do anything for Valentine's Day. Wow. An extraordinary present. Yeah.
I'll be nice, because I'm sure that he doesn't celebrate.
Do you sell, do you and Natalie do anything
for Valentine's Day?
Well, this is what I was gonna ask Hodgman,
because I think as a relationship develops,
Valentine's Day becomes a little bit less of a,
that's more of a courtship phase.
That's my, that's my least experience.
And imagine as someone with a family,
it also becomes like a little bit less of like,
oh, today's our day of love, you know?
Here's some chocolates and flowers and so on.
It was a more of a to-do.
Look, I love my wife who's a whole human being
on her own right very much
and I believe the feeling is mutual.
Yeah, of course.
We do nice things for each other all the time.
We spend a lot of time together.
But it is a very low key.
Do you care about that?
Like, basically, we're kind of like ignoring birthdays and Tuesdays at this point. Like,
it doesn't, nothing kind of matters anymore. It's all the same wash of time. Since our children
have gone to college, it's just the same endless wash of time until the grave for us, which is
great. Which I probably will write into our Valentine's Day card. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You know, once a year you have to tell them that you love them, it turns out. So that was the day we would decide that we would do that.
I'm having trouble kind of following this.
Could you put that into the meme?
Where has been in wife?
You know, could you do it that way for me please?
Is that the only way you can understand things?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're married, right?
Okay, that's how, is that how you wanna do it?
That's how I started, yeah.
Yeah.
We do great on the spot. Right? Okay. That's how you want to go? That's how I started, yeah. Yeah.
We do great on the spot. Okay.
We're married.
We're hurtling towards the grave together.
Now I understand it.
Now I get it.
I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm a millennial wise.
We're married.
We gave candy hearts to our kids till they went to college
and now we're sad and alone.
Now I'm starting to get this.
This is how I get stuff.
We're married.
Not trimming our pubes anymore.
Who got to impress?
I'm starting to pimp you into that.
We're married.
Go ahead and crow a beard that looks like this.
Who cares?
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Your time is over.
Ha ha ha.
Did they say pimp anymore?
I mean that was an improv term.
They used to be an improv term.
Like hey, do this.
Do this impression.
Like the classic example is like,
you know, someone would initiate a scene
and then someone would walk on and you'd be like,
like oh wow, hey, Emeril Lagasse, good to see you.
And now this-
Hey, how you doing?
Now you gotta play Admiral Lagasse.
Oh my god, he nailed it.
I'm knocking out a pen.
Exactly, that was great.
Yeah, right, right.
Oh shit, that's weird.
Yeah.
Hey, how you doing?
I thought that was Admiral.
I know, I don't remember what chef it was whose catchphrase was,
oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
But Emeril was definitely damn.
I don't know who you're thinking of was our, oh no, no, no, no.
I think Cookie Monster possibly.
Sweetest chef, baby.
Sweetest chef.
Here, I'll do a real one that is specific to our married life.
Okay, let's hear it.
We're married.
All we want to watch is all creatures great and small,
and then we only want someone to edit out all the humans.
Have you watched all creatures great and small, and then we only want someone to edit out all the humans.
Have you watched all creatures great and small? No, I like this recommendation though.
Ooh, boy, that is like climbing into a cozy blanket.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm in.
It's the coziest show I've ever seen.
Super cozy.
I love cozy.
Yeah.
I'm going to go into a cozy blanket when I get home.
It's a nice rainy.
The arc storm supposedly today was that was it's the arc
storm. It's the arc storm. They talked about how like this might be the arc storm. It's
not really the arc storm where California is going to get like flooded very like like
Noah's arc. Yeah, that's like well like a biblical flood. They're calling it the arc
storm like when Josh Hartnett couldn't come for a. We're Josh Hartnett. We can't come Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I just be like watching it. People have requested that they edit out all the human parts of Doe Boyd. It's just Jimmy on the couch.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
Who's not here today, sadly.
Jimmy's not here for a week.
I'm furious about it.
I know. Sorry about that.
Emma?
Emma's out of town.
Furious.
I know. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I owe you one.
Well, I thought that maybe she wouldn't be here
because you were in Maine, which would be acceptable.
But you're not even in Maine.
Vermont is close enough.
And she's not even with you.
Yeah. It's not even with you. Yeah.
It's not close.
Vermont is not close enough.
I like to think that Emmy is here like working on a laptop when, like even when Emma isn't here.
You know what I mean?
Like, like as a member of the-
Like, Jimmy's got a job?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Selling ads?
Yeah.
Um, I haven't, I had Josh Hartnett.
I want to, the one that kind of passed, but I still kind of want to say.
I think you should do it.
Uh, we're Josh Hartnett. When we show up in Oppenheimer, you're like, Hey, it's Josh Hartnett. I want to kind of pass, but I still kind of want to say. I think you should do it.
We're Josh Hartnett.
When we show up in Oppenheimer, you're like, hey, it's Josh Hartnett.
Right.
He's right.
That is right.
Hey, buddy.
Ever walk in a store and have no idea what wine to get?
Yeah, me too.
That's why I love our next sponsor, Naked Wines.
No, Mitch? You know, everyone out there knows, I always enjoy a glass of wine during a good meal.
But did you know when you buy wine today, most of your money goes to things like fancy packaging,
big budget marketing campaigns, and tax? To me, that's crazy. Plus, even after all that,
you don't even know if you'll like the wine until after you've already bought it.
Well, guess what, Weiss, this podcast is sponsored by Naked Wines.
Naked Wines is a subscription service that seamlessly connects you to the finest independent
winemakers on the planet, so you get a box of the market's best quality wines however
often you'd like for a fraction of the price you'd normally pay in stores.
How do they do it?
Daked wines connect winemakers and wine drinkers directly, allowing for vineyard to your door
delivery at up to 60% off what you would pay in store.
By cutting out the traditional retail middlemen, costs, and markups, winemakers can pass those
savings on to you without skimping on quality.
As a result, you'll get exclusive access
to hundreds of top quality award-winning wines
at huge savings, making naked wines perfect
for any type of wine drinker.
Mitch, Naked Wines sent us a bunch of different wines.
We got a Chineen Blanc, we got some Cabernets,
got a Zinfandel, I know some people on our team were enjoying a Pinot Noir,
a different kind of Cabernet.
I got a Sabanillon Blanc.
I'm gonna throw it to my mom and sister,
like rabbit dogs, they're gonna destroy that thing.
Wags, I love that their quiz matches you with bottles
that you love and each shipment includes wines.
They recommend based on your previous ratings.
Naked wines has been around for over 10 years
and funds over 90 independent winemakers.
With no commitments or membership fees,
you can enjoy Naked Wines hassle-free.
And the best part, every bottle is a passion project
from an independent winemaker,
so you are literally making an independent winemakers
dream come true.
So head to nakedwines.com slash doughboys and click enter voucher in the top right when you get to the website
and put in doughboys for both the code and password to get six bottles of wine for just $39.99 with shipping included.
That's $100 off in less than $7 per bottle. That's nakedwines.com slash doughboys
and use the code and password doughboys
and grab six bottles for just $39.99.
One last time, that's nakedwines.com slash doughboys
code and password doughboys
for $100 off your first six bottles.
Mitch, is there anything worse than going to a mattress store
and laying down on a mattress
you know hundreds of people have tried before while an over eager sales associate asks you
probing questions?
Definitely nothing worse.
That's right, Wags, but you know what?
I didn't go through that rigamarole.
Wow.
No, not at all.
My mattress was delivered right to my door because I have a helix sleep mattress. That's right.
I have a mattress that's basically a cloud that I sleep on every night. I love it. Wall-E
and Irma love it. Every friend or loved one who's come to my house and slept on that mattress,
they love it too.
How long have you had your mattress and how has your sleep improved?
Why? I've had my mattress for about six years now.
Wow.
I'm sleeping every night.
I'm sleeping heavy.
I mean, you know, yeah, I'm always sleeping heavy.
The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe Collection,
the newly released Helix Elite Collection, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers,
and even a mattress made just for kids.
Wow.
So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for you and your body?
You take the Helix sleep quiz, WIGES, and you find your perfect mattress in under two
minutes.
Everybody is unique, and everyone sleeps differently.
That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific
sleep positions and feel preferences. Models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side.
Models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support and stomach
and back sleeping positions plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night.
And if your spine needs some extra TLC, they got you. Every Helix mattress has a hybrid design
combining individually wrapped steel coils
in the base with premium foam layers on top.
It's the perfect combination of comfort and support.
Mitch, you took the Helix sleep quiz.
That's right.
And you were matched with a Moonlight Luxe mattress.
You aced that quiz.
I did.
It was one of the only quizzes I've ever aced in my life.
And you know what?
It's the match made in heaven, Y.
Wow.
I love my moonlight lux.
Not only is the mattress the best you've ever slept on,
but the setup was fast and easy.
Helix mattresses are delivered in a box
and straight to your door for free.
Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress
than by sleeping on it in your own home,
so they offer a 100 night trial
and a 10 to 15 year warranty
to try out your new Helix mattress. Wow, don't wanna take our word for it. Helix has been awarded the number one
mattress picked by GQ and Wired Magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors
and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. Helix is offering 20%
off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash
Doe Boys and use code HelixPartner20. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long with and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash doughboys
and use code helixpartner20.
This is their best offer yet and it won't last long.
With Helix, better sleep starts now.
Do it.
Let's talk about Seize Candy.
Seize Candy was founded in 1921 by a Canadian American
named Charles A.C. and his 71 year old mother, Mary C. Now if you see AC and his 71 year old mother Mary C
Now if you see a and a one year old mother mother
Company with his 71 year old mother with his mom get out of bed mom starting the company
Well, I guess it was one of those days
I was a 71 year old brother which I was like strange that his brother is like like that they're pointing out that his brother is 71
I may have mumbled through it. It's his mom his mom Mary C
71 and she was like the person
behind the kitchen, she had all the chocolate recipes.
And he was like, let's turn this into a business.
She's just getting ready to retire.
She's like, oh, okay, 71 years, I've raised my family.
No, we're starting a company now,
we'll be in every airport.
You can look up the address of the original seas candy store 135 Northwestern Avenue on Los Angeles.
As you might imagine, it has changed quite a bit in in a hundred years.
By that. Yeah.
Yeah. There's there's a Paris baguette there actually now, which is another
chain we reviewed.
Is there an old sign there or no?
I don't know if there's no there might be.
Like I've driven by something on the way to the airport. Yeah, this is more like...
There's more of a factory or something.
So they still have factories in California.
Their chocolate is still domestically produced.
It's produced in LA and in San Francisco.
And it's keeping his mother alive?
Yeah.
She's like 150.
Like she's just like a brick.
Yeah.
There's a young portrait of her in an attic.
Yeah, she looks like ET when he's gray. Yeah. That's like 150. Yeah. She's a young portrait of her in an ass.
Yeah.
She looks like ET when he's gray.
That's the secret.
The secret to the Nugget is the lymph of my 129-year-old mother.
So, Mary C.
Getting her out of it just reminded me of Wonka, which we watched recently.
Yeah, I know.
She hasn't been.
My mom is 75.
She's up.
She's active.
You know, maybe she's active. She's got a, tell her she's gotta start a chocolate company right away.
I would see what she says.
We are...
If you were gonna start a company with your mom, a food company, like chocolates or sandwiches
or whatever her specialty is.
Yes.
Will it be a tuna sandwich?
Mike Mitchell's mom's tuna sandwich factory?
She makes French breakfast donuts
that are really, really good.
Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
French breakfast donuts.
I mean, I think it's like an old,
maybe Betty Crocker recipe,
but you know what, we'd steal it.
Right.
And you-
What does it mean though?
They're little-
I know, a French crawler is like that rich thing.
They're little donut muffins, they're warm.
You bake them in the oven.
Like a beignet kind of?
A little bit, I mean, they're baked or fried.
They're baked, they're not fried.
So you dip them in butter,
then you dip them in cinnamon and sugar
and eat them and they're fucking fantastic.
You also, and you're a bagel guy, you bake bagels.
So maybe you do a sort of breakfast.
Yeah, but I was thinking of your mom's specialty.
Oh, got it, got it. was thinking of your mom's specialty. Oh, God, yeah.
Like this guy stole his mom's chocolate recipes.
I think her baked hat is very good.
I don't know how, I don't know how.
Mitchy's mom's baked hat.
I don't know how good we'd be as a.
And you would franchise this?
I don't know if it would be a great franchise.
Look, I wish you the best.
Maybe one of the other sharks would be interested,
but I'm gonna pass.
I'm willing to do the best. Honestly, of the other sharks would be interested, but I'm gonna pass. I'm willing to do the best.
Honestly, I'll be honest for a second,
because I'm not doing a bit.
If you were pitching Mitchie's mom's baked-hat-ic house,
yeah, yeah, he would.
Mitchie's mom's house of baked-hat-ic as a franchise,
I would invest.
I'd lose all my money, but I love that idea.
We would have a great time,
and I hope that you can try my mom's baked-hat-ic.
I would love to try it. Bake-hat-ic is in New England. Well, you weren't invited, but how do you have a great time and I hope that you can try my mom's baked hat. I would love to try it.
I love to have that.
I would love to try it.
I love to have that.
I would love to have that.
Baked hat is in New England.
Well, you weren't invited, but how do you get it done?
I've heard so much about this baked hat over the years.
You can have the baked hat.
You gotta stay two nights.
I'll walk one in.
Okay, I'll stay two nights.
I'll walk a serving in when you're strapped
into Mitch's childhood bed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You know what, you know what, for us- Emma, you've had baked tatic before, right? Or baked cod?
Oh yeah, I love baked tatic, baked cod,
baked anything, any white fish.
Yeah, what you do is you crumble up
a whole bunch of Ritz crackers.
Yeah, any sort of bread, yeah, bread crumb, yeah.
I learned it with Ritz crackers.
Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You put the fish in, and then you basically cover it
with melted butter, then you put the Ritz crackers
on top, then you cover that with melted butter, and then you put the Ritz crackers on top and you cover that with melted butter
Wow, and then you just bake it and it tastes really good
Yeah, Nellie went out and I went out to dinner recently and we got like a smoked trout dip
Yeah, which is like, you know, I think it's very good. It was delicious, but this thing it came with
Ritz everything Ritz crackers, which I've not seen before. I was like, this is brilliant everything seasoning on a Ritz
Why not? You know what they put, this is brilliant. Everything seasoning on a Ritz. Why not?
You know what they put everything seasoning on now?
Was that everything?
We'll be right back.
All right, we're back.
So Mary C is kind of the Dave Thomas of the brand
and she's still on the packaging.
So she's like kind of like the, she was like a few days
after the mascot.
Yeah.
You know, it's one of the first times we've ever held eye contact for any period of time.
And I really feel like I got a distinct psychic message from you saying, don't do this.
Saying, I know what you're going to say and I'm urging you to stop.
I mean, I've never, because you know,
Right. I was like, fellow true soul. People say they look into your eyes and they see nothing.
Yes, yeah. They just see dead doll's eyes.
For sure.
But I saw something in that moment and it was intense rage.
It was the presence of the absolute. That's what it is.
It felt like the arc of the covenant was open in here. I closed my eyes.
Yeah, I know.
I could feel fucking-
Is my face all melted?
My face, still here? Okay. That's how I felt. I apologize. Go on.
No, by the way, before you went to break, we were talking the baked attic from Burke's
seafood in Quincy.
Great.
What's the place called?
Burke's.
Okay.
Yeah.
Burke's.
Great spot.
Yeah.
Also in Quincy used to be a place, a Phillips candy house.
Did you ever go to Phillips?
No, I don't know what that is.
Phillips is there is still one in Dorchester. That was the Boston C's basically. Oh, okay. I still every, at Christmas time, I get my mom
some turtles, some dark chocolate turkeys. Yeah, turtles. But a great little candy house. C's is,
I feel like Phillips maybe tried to do what C's did, but I I I feel like I've known C's forever because it is just nationwide, right?
So I probably got a heart a C's heart at one point. I don't know if I the name C's makes me think of the ocean which is a
It's wrong, right? I know I don't know. It spells SEE
Yeah, but but I I don't know
I don't know if I've ever had like a strong opinion and then when I came out here
I it was I feel like it was you see it much more out here than you do, you know back east
Yes, this is a national chain, but it's one that as a lifelong Californian
I have thought of as ubiquitous because this is an every mall in California. There's a cease candy store
Yeah, and this was always like a fancy like this was my idea of fancy chocolates as a kid.
This was a thing like of a special, there'd be a special occasion, like around the holidays,
I feel like my grandma would have like a box of C's candies that were open on top of the,
you know, the piano or whatever. And so like, this was a, this is a play chain I've known for a
while. And, but I, it was interesting to hear from everyone people had had gum and Emma and Casey
And the two of you who had and hadn't encountered seas over the course of their life. I've had it a bunch of times
I've had it before I had it before you've had it before and it is Nate
It does have a nationwide footprint though. It is clustered in LA. I had never heard of it until I started coming out here
Interest 30s, I would say yeah, Yeah, so by 1925 does sound like the ocean
They have store stores in LA it does sound like the ocean seas it sounds like the ocean
It's a homophone for sea. Yeah body of water. I think I was confused that it maybe we had some sort of we were definitely confused
Yeah, I mean that's true. So, you know, obviously survived the Great Depression World War two what rationing
Could it be a national chain. There's a famous I love Lucy episode
where she's overwhelmed by chocolates.
That is in a Seized Candy Factory.
Yeah, that's a Seized Candy episode.
Fun fact, when we went to Disney,
they do a recreation in Hollywood studios.
Oh yeah.
In Disney, they do a recreation of that they used to.
And my mom got called up on stage.
She did that Lucy scene in front of a big audience.
Mitch, my dad got called up for one.
They were doing a special effects one.
I don't remember exactly what it was,
but there's a thing where he put on
like the Gorton's Fisherman sort of like,
you know, yellow raincoat and was steering a ship.
And they were rear projecting behind him.
Like there was a storm and they were like
throwing water onto him.
So it was like the sea captain.
It was really cool.
It was very uh...
I got called up for when I got to be the game from Pulp Fiction.
Is that Hollywood Studios?
They said they were.
There was no one else in the audience, so that was the one left.
Man, a Tarantino land would be fun.
Yes.
Wait, I do want to get out this one insane detail.
Okay, I promise.
Because, no, this is, I love all of it.
But this one insane detail beyond the I Love Lucy thing,
which is that an employee at the age of 16,
as a dropout to support herself
while she was beginning her career
as a future star of stage and screen,
16 year old Cher was working at a C's candies
when she met Sunny Bono.
How old is Sunny Bono?
27 and married.
Also calls us a direct supervisor.
Well, I had no idea.
I mentioned in my intro,
there's a bunch of different telling,
some of them are that he was a customer there
and met her while she was working there.
Others are that she was just working there
and met him separately at a coffee shop
or a party or something like that.
But she did work there.
And that's part of C's official history.
Acquired by Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway in 1972.
He still owns the brand as this is the case
with all chain restaurants now,
but this is just an early example of this.
Warren Buffett owns them all?
Yeah, just, I mean, Warren Buffett does own a lot of them, but there's a, they're all
owned by some, you know, global finance instrument.
And they're 200 stores nationwide.
And I think pretty incredible staying power for a fairly specialized food brand who have
been around for 102 years at this point. Sure. Yeah.
But the stores are just stores. They don't serve anything. They just sell chocolate over there.
Exactly. They sell manufactured chocolates. There's nothing produced in store.
Right.
And I don't think they sell the store, they sell their candy at any other stores.
Like it's not like there's an Entenmann's case at the end of the aisle.
I used to, and maybe they're still there, but I used to see them in airports.
Yes, right, yeah.
And sort of like near the gate, like something to grab.
Right.
And I would buy C's, candies for our kids
to make up for the fact that I was absent from their lives.
And what I learned was, A, they didn't care.
And B, they didn't like this candy very much.
I'm torn on this. I'm not saying those are my kids. Yeah, like I'm I've not given you my opinion yet
Well, I will just say is someone just had this a lot and had this most in mostly as I was a kid
I don't know if I ever loved sees candy like I feel like I always would have rather had a
Snickers than like a fancy like dark almond nougat, you know, whatever
Truffle or whatever they got like I always just wanted like just like a more conventional candy
And then I think also as I got older and like, you know as a kid
I was like I thought like Chili's was like a nice restaurant
I thought like the Olive Garden like this is a fancy place to go eat and then you're like oh wait no
These are like chain approximations. There's actually nicer stuff that exists out there.
The same thing with chocolate.
They're like artisan chocolate here is to produce a much higher caliber of product than what C's does.
So I, to me, they kind of like occupy a middle that I don't ever need to visit.
But it was interesting to go back here and I will say they are good for like a pretty specialized thing like, hey,
I want a big heart-shaped box of chocolate for Valentine's Day.
If you want that, this is a place to get that, which is what we got.
Yeah, classic.
Yeah, classic.
Yeah.
Yeah, I sometimes grab seas before I got on the plane for like a, if I hadn't eaten in the...
Really?
No, I never touch seas.
I don't, I'm like you, I'm like Burger Man or a drink.
Yeah, you heard it here first. Mitch is a burger boy.
I, I.
Wow.
I, I Mitch for Love Week.
I love that for you.
Oh my God.
Wow.
Look at that.
We're both burger boys.
We're burger boys.
I have nothing to say.
Sometimes Mitch, the truth sucks.
Uh, but you, that's such a sweet gesture to your kids to bring them back.
You know, love of the family love.
Kind of literally the least I could do, but okay.
I have no significant other.
The love of a family.
They'll never betray you.
Jesus.
First of all, history is full of counter,
counter examples to that.
And second of all, what are you working through right now?
So we got a heart shaped box and this is a-
My box candy experience was always Whitman sampler.
Whitman sampler?
Yeah. Yes, Whitman sampler. Whitman sampler.
Yes, Whitman sampler.
I know Whitman sampler.
Does that mean anything to you?
No, I've not heard this.
Maybe that's an East Coast thing?
I don't know.
Emma Whitman sampler?
Yeah, those are for the classic.
I can't be from Whitman mass, right?
Whitman enhancing?
I don't know.
I don't know anything about it.
The gold box with the brown edge, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whitman enhancing is just a high school, right?
But it was essentially it was a box of chocolates.
They would do heart-shaped ones, but seasonally,
but generally it would just be different sizes.
And they had a map inside
as to what the different chocolates were.
Yes. Which this thing was missing.
I remember there being a map and there was no map today.
There was no map today.
That is really-
Here there be monsters, the map ended.
Yeah.
And I felt at sea sea Mitch just you know
I felt at sea in my experience of testing these chocolates out
You don't want to brave either see without a map there we go perfect. That's good. We did it. We're podcasters and we did it
We'll be right back. We're going back. So I
We'll be right back. Okay, we're back.
So, I'm trying to find the exact box we have here
and it's buried in a bunch of different
very specific boxes on the menu.
We got a Texas Wild West box.
We got a Loha box.
We got a Las Vegas box.
Oh, on your screen.
Yeah, on my menu here, I thought I like,
oh, this will be easy.
I'll just find this menu item again,
but I can't bring it up at the ready
because they just have so many different options
that they have.
But we got one and we just kind of,
I mean, I guess the way to go
because there were like 30 different chocolates in there.
Or were there any highlights?
Were there any that you liked in particular?
I mentioned coconut earlier.
Amelia and I, Amelia, also a fan of the coconut
did find eventually a coconut one,
which we had a bit of.
I thought that was quite scrumptious.
Which is another thing that was insane to us
that you guys love, like when we were saying,
when I was like you're younger younger you don't want the coconut one
But in in your house in Amelia's house there'd be a fight over the coconut one or actually just the kids would say you're a freak
Yeah, well, this is why I go loved the coconut
I don't know if Nate if Nate was a big coconut guy, but I love coconut
I love like a mounds and like an almond joy and I for me
It was more of a Halloween thing with my friends of like, they'd be like,
oh, I don't want this.
And I'd be like, oh yeah, I'll trade you whatever.
I'll trade you a peanut butter cup for a mounds.
Why not?
I love that, because I love coconut.
That doesn't make any sense at all.
I'm like, coconut, but that's fine.
Well, maybe not a peanut butter cup specifically,
but like, you know, whatever.
That's the best one.
Why are you doing that?
No, I would keep that one.
Okay, so try it again.
I grew grade.
Hey, here's a zag nut for a.
A high.
For a mounds.
Zag nut.
When was this?
I'll tell you.
You're right, Mitch.
Family never betrays you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Dark chocolate buttercream was another one.
I just, I do like dark chocolate with dark,
like kind of like, you know,
like the inception of dark chocolate, kind of like the inception
of dark chocolate.
Can I just give my fun fact from before about coconuts? The most deadly of all the fruit.
Yeah, you're thinking in the Gilligan Islands sense. Like the skipper dropping one.
I said this to Hodgman before and he didn't like it. Now he similarly doesn't like it.
He didn't not like it. So you said, Hey, do you know what the most deadly fruit is?
Or coconut is the most deadly fruit.
Mm-hmm.
And I guess I was thinking like, I guess people have an allergy.
I know my friend Wyatt's an aqueous allergic to coconut.
And then he said, cause it bonks people on the head.
Yes. Yeah.
And everyone laughed.
And I was like, what was the joke that I missed?
That's true.
I get it.
It made sense.
I'm feeling some animosity from you during love week.
What?
And I think that it's because Boston is now home
to Sally's a pizza, a pizza.
There's a Sally's in Boston?
There's a Sally's in Boston now.
No kidding.
I didn't know that.
Or outside of Boston.
Is that what you mean?
In a Peppies, yeah.
Yeah.
Peppies is in the Chestnut Hill Mall.
These are New Haven pizza spots.
Looks like we're not going to go down to New Haven for the pizza tour anymore.
Mitch, we've been dancing around the New Haven pizza tour for a long time, you and me.
And you're invited too.
I'd love to go.
Yeah, of course.
You'd have to fly to Massachusetts or Connecticut and then do a pizza tour.
Also, what's the hamburger place, the first ham?
Louis's lunch.
I would like to try Louis's lunch.
Yeah.
That'd be a fun place to review.
But time is tick talking away.
Remember I was talking about hurling towards the grave?
That's true.
We started talking about this years ago.
Yeah.
And this May, our daughter's going to graduate from that college.
That is wild.
So we need to get there before then to maximize my embarrassment of her.
I want to see her.
I want to see her in every restaurant.
Can it always be at her graduation just waving?
Oh, I think, hang on, let me just double check.
Yeah, I heard back, you're invited as class day speakers.
It was going to be Jodie Foster, famous Yale graduate, but they canceled her so Yeah, I heard back you're invited as Class Day speakers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I still graduate, dear lord. I still wanna do it. We can sneak you into class. You should come for graduation actually.
It would be very fun.
That would be really, really exciting for me.
I would have a blast.
It would really be funny to turn my daughter's
accomplishment into a joke.
We were in Seattle and it coincidentally lined up
with a couple of Washington University graduations.
Do you remember this Mitch? And the hotels are just absolutely clogged with like parents. Yeah.
And I wonder what a town like New Haven would be like during like, is it just a madhouse during
graduation? I guess you maybe haven't experienced it for, you know, 20 something years. Yeah,
no, I mean, yeah, the hotel rooms are very expensive. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, but I know someone who can put you up.
Whoa.
Yeah.
He's talking about me.
He's talking about connections.
He's talking about me.
No, you're not going to stay in Quincy and drive down to New England.
How far is that?
It's a ride.
Well, you know, it's two states away, so in New England, that's 15 minutes.
I love New England is small jokes.
That's okay.
Because California is so big.
I'll tell you what, we'll go,
eventually we'll go eat all those pizzas.
Yeah, yeah.
But you will agree with me
that the best pizza in New Haven is Yorkside Pizza.
By the time it's all.
I don't know if I've ever heard this.
Yorkside Pizza on York Street. I don't know if I've heard this declaration. And it's not Newside pizza on York Street.
I don't know if I've heard this declaration.
And it's not Haven style pizza.
Wow.
It's not the pizza, the thin crust,
coal oven, super hot clams on top, which is all delicious.
Sure.
Yorkside's just straight up Greek American pizza.
And it is the best pizza.
Wow.
I had a sentence.
I found the box that we got.
This is, we got the classic red heart chocolates box.
So we got a chocolate buttercream.
Milk mocha.
Fuck it's the wrong one.
Hold the hell.
I did not find the right one.
I thought it was the right one but that's specifically the milk chocolates box.
That's not what we got.
We got the chocolates variety box.
Hold on.
I'm going to put it on the screen.
I got to scroll through the aloha box, the, the Texas box, Happy Birthday box, snack collection.
On the screen.
Okay, Emma's got it.
Classic red heart assorted chocolates.
Thank you, Emma.
I can't read that if you can embiggen the tab at all.
Were you reading the lyrics to Heart Shape Box by Nirvana? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Milk Bordeaux, Milk Beverly, Milk Mayfair, Dark Marsupon, Dark ability. It just really helps me understand what I was eating, Milk Mayfair.
Milk almond caramel.
Milk the fuck?
Dark almonds.
Yeah, all these are registered trademarks.
There are like any-
Butter chew.
There are, this was like a $50 box of chocolates
and there are like 40 in here.
So there were a bunch of different ones.
We got a multiple thing of milk molasses chips
and dark butter chew, but a lot of these were one.
If we were alive in the 1930s, us two fat fucks,
we'd be eating butter chew all the time, I feel like.
Just a wad of butter chew in our mouth.
Thrown to us by the handful in our cages at the front.
Three cents worth of butter chew, please.
Wait, we're in a freak show?
Of course we're in a freak show.
The freaks will never betray you. I was reading about this wrestler who was just like an enormously huge guy and he was like, you know, 500 plus pounds for the era.
And for the era he was like a curiosity.
What was the name, Butterchew?
I can't remember his name. Might have been Butterchew.
But in fucking Nightmare Alley?
Yeah, but he was a,
hey, we get a little, we get a little pick of that.
Cooper, I think I'm down.
I just, I just, I saw in the corner of my eye, I saw Mitch touching his temple. It's like, what's he working on? What's
he trying to remember right now? What's he going for? I got it.
Nightmare alley, Bradley Cooper's hog.
Right.
You see it in the bathtub.
Okay, wrestler.
Yes, so this was a, he was like a very heavy wrestler.
And he at a certain point volunteered for an experiment
to try to like see how to most effectively like lose weight.
And he lived in a facility for like two years
and was fed a specialized diet
and like lost like something extraordinary like 350 pounds.
But it was like through a diet that included things,
it was just like,
he was eating like 700 calories a day or something like that.
It was enormously restrictive.
Oh, they're starving him.
Yeah, they basically were.
But it was one of those things where it was just like,
I cannot imagine this being ethically signed off on
in this day and age.
But the back of the time, they're just like,
yeah, you're just gonna live in this place and age. But the back of the time, they're just like, yeah,
we're just gonna live in this place and you're only gonna eat what we tell you to.
And you're not gonna go outside for like two years.
And there might be a human centipede involved.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
The going outside, not going outside for two years part, I'm okay with.
Yeah, yeah.
All this stuff seems pretty tough.
Yeah.
Also, I'm afraid I'm gonna hear the door lock and the head gum hunks are gonna
fucking start the same shit with us
Let's conduct an experiment
We got the dark chocolate hearts the dark chocolate hearts with peanut butter in them and those seem to be the kind of the bite of the night
I loved them and then
Hodgeman tried something you just started up some bullshit. What is happening? What bullshit did I?
I don't think you liked them the dark chocolate hearts. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. I didn't like them tried something. You just started up some bullshit. What is happening? What bullshit did I start?
I don't think you liked them.
The dark chocolate hearts?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right, I didn't like them.
God dang it.
I loved them.
Wow.
They were lovely.
The best.
I'll tell you something.
This is why I got so mad at you for trading peanut butter
cups for mounds.
Because peanut butter cups, that's one of the candies I like the best.
Yeah, that's good.
Because it's got that savory peanut butter in it.
And I knew looking at all the things that we're going to eat, the dark chocolate peanut
butter hearts were the ones that I was going to like, so I saved them to last and I loved
it.
I'm sorry I gave you a different impression.
No, I'm happy to hear this.
I'm very happy to hear this.
They were really delicious and surprisingly the only thing that was.
Wow.
I'll say that.
You know, and like I said, I've been dealing with this, this, but
possible nut allergy I've developed playing life.
Should I have, is it good enough?
Should I, should I try, should I dare?
Should I try one?
Cause I was looking at those, I was like, those do look good.
I think that you would love it.
I mean, how much is it going to fuck you up?
But does peanut butter fuck you up?
Yeah.
I've had some bad experiences with it.
Look, here's the thing.
Am I going to say that you should try something that's going to close your
throat and possibly make you die?
Yes.
Eat the peanut butter.
I think that you also would like it.
Yeah.
I think you should do it.
I mean, why don't you do a skin test first?
That's, that's, break it open, take the peanut butter, rub it on your skin and see if it causes a rash.
Does that work?
I'd like to see you rub it on your skin.
I will rub it on my skin.
Just rub the peanut butter on its skin.
Pineapple truffle I enjoyed.
There was one that was kind of kind of tropical, a little lot of fun.
All right.
I liked that one.
That was fine.
That was good.
I thought the coconut one was talking about the heart that one. That was fine. That was good.
I thought the coconut one was okay.
I was talking about the heart shaped one now
or the box of truffles.
I was kind of going all over the place.
You were.
All right, yeah.
Because the truffles, what makes a truffle,
a chocolate truffle, a truffle?
It apparently is just like a chocolate ganache
with some sort of coating.
And the truffle has nothing to do
with actual truffle content. It is just
like because it resembles the truffle.
Got it. But the ganache is that is that milk and chocolate
kind of that goo inside. Yeah. And I like that. I do like that.
I like that actually. So I like those truffles. Yeah, we got
you should yes, you take clarify, we got a separate box of
truffles, as opposed to the red heart shaped box. And as opposed
to the separate box of dark chocolate peanut butter
Here's what here's here's what I can here's what I like. Yeah peanut butter. Sorry nuts. I like nuts
I'm sorry if that makes you allergic. Oh, you know, I'm talking about in chocolate. I like really dark chocolate
Yeah, I do love dark chocolate like really high quality dark chocolate. I'll eat it. It's delicious. I
I enjoy a nugget. I
Enjoy a toffee. It's delicious. I enjoy a Nugget. I enjoy a Toffee.
Yeah.
All of the, and like a but, like a butter, a Butterfinger type
deal, but would that be a Toffee or a, you know, hate caramel?
Butterchew? We know butterchew.
Yeah. Yeah. You know butterchew?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can I get his email address? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I like the raspberry truffle. I thought it was good, but that's my taste. I like truffles, and I don't think
I liked a single truffle I tried.
That's a bummer.
And maybe I didn't try enough of them,
but I feel insane, so I wasn't gonna eat anymore.
Like the Lindor, you know, Lindors, I like Lindor.
I do like a Lindor.
Yeah, Lindor, we used to call Lindos,
Sinclair, that Lindor, but I love,
in my experience, I love truffles.
Yeah.
And none of these really worked for me.
And I think that it was like vague flavors
where I was like, what is this supposed to be?
Yeah, nothing really popped.
Yeah.
There's a coffee one.
The coffee one was good.
Oh yeah, that was probably the closest
and I did try that one.
I mean, like, and there was also,
we should talk about what I thought was gonna be
the piece d'airies estance,
which is the chocolate football.
Sure.
Yeah, and this is a big boy.
This is a big old chocolate football.
This is like kind of like a pound cake sized confection
that's got, and it's basically got like
a rocky road sort of thing inside.
We took it out back, we threw it around a little bit,
the three of us.
I dropped it a bunch of times, I can't catch it,
can't catch, can't throw.
But at least I have a manly chocolate.
So I don't feel like a soy boy.
Why would you make a chocolate football?
Yeah, it's very funny, this is for the dudes I guess.
This is for the dude.
Yeah, I'll feel like this for his man cave or whatever.
I wonder, I guess it could also be for like a,
like an eight year old boy.
Like I could see like a kid who's really into sports.
Well, I do like the idea of it of like a,
like a 40 year old guy being like,
boys check it out chocolate football.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you, if you gave, if you gave that to an eight year old boy
to eat like he'd be the number one draft pick for diabetes.
It's not something you can give to a child.
It's not something you can give to anybody.
That thing was solid.
And here's the sad part, it sucked, it wasn't good.
That was no bummer.
It had walnuts.
And a ton of marshmallow.
Honey marshmallow.
Yeah, oh, honey marshmallow, okay.
Based on what I saw on the box.
Yeah, that makes sense, yeah.
It was like a salt, like you were cracking a geode
to get into this thing.
It was a rocky road.
It was a rocky road.
It was a rocky road.
It was a rocky road.
The ball or something, that's what the...
Well, here's the thing, I didn't have any of this,
but you were looking at it,
and I think you were dealing with this, Mitch.
It's hard to tell how you're supposed
to eat it because it's not like a cake where it's like,
okay, I can cut myself a slice or something like this
and it's not like a chocolate where it's like, okay,
well, I can just have this thing in one or two bites.
It was like, it's like a big boy that I guess you can kind
of like bisect and it looked like what you were doing,
Mitch, was just kind of like, you know, eating like a piece
of fruit almost.
Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of a bit of a down.
You couldn't really slice it.
No, yeah, yeah.
It was so hard.
So you kind of just had to smash it apart
and eat parts of it.
Or just sitting in your recliner
and watch the big game and gnaw on it.
Like it was a big,
it was a big hunk of,
I don't know, mango or something.
It was definitely more for the novelty
than for any sort of, you know, consumption purposes.
A lot of candy, I'm pretty sure, is made with the express purpose of being thrown away.
Great point.
You know what I mean?
It's a gesture more than it is something to eat.
It's like, and you know this as someone who is an author and has worked in the publishing industry.
Most books are made to be thrown away.
Exactly. A lot of people are, books are given as gifts and are never read.
And they're never read exactly so
It's still available in paperback great book. They don't have to read it
Buy it just buy it you don't have to read it. I have to read it. Is that what's been stopping you?
I'm not gonna to quiz you.
By the book.
By the book, right?
By the book, yeah.
It's a great book.
Thanks.
My hand was covered in chocolate after eating the football.
I have a cleaning lady coming later today.
I think that she might come over and just hose me down
and leave.
It's covered in fucking chocolate.
There was chocolate all over me when we started the thing.
I hope I'm right now.
Yeah, I got some chocolate flecks on my pants.
It was pretty sloppy.
Look, I think this is one of those things
where this place suffers from the premise of the podcast
where we're like, hey, let's try a bunch of things
and then discuss it.
Because that's not how you normally eat C's candy.
And but that said-
I don't think C's candy is necessarily bad.
I don't think it's necessarily bad either,
but I think this is because we were kind of like
had a somewhat overwhelming quantity of it.
And because we had it as like we're trying things
that we wouldn't normally pick and choose.
I think it skews it kind of unfavorably.
I think you would maybe-
How do you enjoy a heart-shaped box of chocolate?
I think I would have like one or two or three.
And I think I would like maybe like nibble on one
or maybe like cut it open as we did
and see what was inside or use the map ideally
and pick the ones that I want.
And then when I started to get a little bit, you know,
oh, sweet it out, I would probably move on with my life.
But this is a thing that a chocolate,
a person who likes this kind of thing
would enjoy over several days.
For sure.
It would be sitting on the counter.
200% yes.
Share it with friends and yeah.
You're not gonna eat it all in one go.
Right, well, yeah, okay, I hope not.
But that's what they do in the cartoons.
I'm trying to think.
So no, we did not enjoy it in the way
that it is supposed to be.
Yes. Enjoyed.
I think that overall I'm trying to think of like how many pieces of chocolate
it equaled out to me eating and I would have to guess a dozen.
Maybe it's too much.
Maybe 12 to 15.
I mean too many pieces.
You felt you ate that much just now.
Yeah.
Before maybe 12 total.
I don't know.
It's a lot.
I must have turned my head for half a second.
How many did you guys eat? Did I eat more or maybe maybe less? It's a lot. I must have turned my head for half a second. How many did you guys eat?
Did I eat more or maybe less?
One and a half.
You ate one and a half.
No, I don't know how much chocolate I ate.
I ate a lot.
Football was a fucking huge part of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Boy, that thing really looked like a decorated poop.
It looked like shit.
It did look like shit.
It was not.
It looked like shit.
Not for consumption.
The, we didn't talk about the sours, which we had. And you know, look, I've gone on the record saying It did look like shit. It was literal shit. It looked like shit. Not for consumption.
We didn't talk about the sours, which we had.
Look, I've gone on the record saying my personal opinion, gummy ain't yummy, but I thought
these were decent sours.
They were decent.
They didn't have a huge option for non-chocolate candies, I see.
It's chocolate focused.
Chocolate focused.
This is all, if you're not a chocolate person, I mean, I don't think you're gonna-
I wonder if you'd like Phillips candy.
I mean, they used to be more of them.
I think now it might only be the Dorchester location.
But like I said, they got some great chocolate turtles.
They got gummy bears.
They got good stuff there.
I wonder if you'd like- Remind me what a turtle is.
A turtle is a- It's a kind of nuts and caramel.
You wouldn't like it.
Yeah, it's, I think usually pecans is the normal knife.
It sounds right.
It looks like a little turtle.
Right. It looks like a turtle with chocolate. And then I think- Yeah. They're probably caramel. I think one. It sounds right. It looks like a little turtle. Right.
It looks like a turtle with chocolate.
Yeah.
And then I think caramel.
Yeah.
Interesting.
And then sometimes you get a little salted one.
I do have a few salted ones and then just the dark chocolate.
Nick, have you ever had a Needham?
No.
Have you ever had a Needham for Maine?
No, it's for Maine.
I know there's a Needham Massachusetts.
Yeah.
I had a feeling you might mention it there. But
I was talking about just like Whitman when I went over the Whitman sampler.
I'm sorry. No, that's okay. I'm thrilled. It's all love. It's from need of Maine. Well, I don't know. I actually are just from there called need them and they're spelled like need
of Massachusetts. Okay. Emma, have you had a need them? Emma's frozen. Emma is frozen. Oh, no, she's back. She's back.
Emma, have you had a need him in Maine? Have you ever had a need him?
Or we woke Emma up coconut.
He aren't they? They're coconut. That's why I thought of you.
But hang on a second. They're, they're, they're coconut like mounds in robed in
chocolate and less secret ingredient, mashed potato.
Whoa. Really? listening. The secret ingredient? Mashed potato. Whoa.
Really?
Yes.
Needoms.
Mashed potato?
It's wild.
I've never heard of this before.
People...
You gotta say, I need them.
Sorry.
You didn't read the expression in my eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I was giving you a look. I was trying to connect again. I'll order some to the place and you can have, they're wild.
I mean, that is a weird combo.
That sounds good.
Yeah.
But anyway, we were talking about this other candy.
I thought that either they were fine.
But yeah, you're right.
There aren't a lot of non-chocolate options.
Yeah.
No, it's chocolate place.
It's a chocolate place.
I had a gummy and it was whatever it was.chocolate options. Yeah, no, in- It's a chocolate place. It's a chocolate place, it's a chocolate place.
I had a gummy and it was whatever it was.
It was fine, yeah.
It's, I mean, probably that bag was like $14.
Cause it's, this is, and from that standpoint,
is this any better than something you would get at,
you know, like the candy aisle of a CVS?
No, it's not worth the premium.
Yeah, you don't care for gummy candies in general.
I'm not, you know, to me, gummy ain't yummy, but I understand. I don't want to yuck anyone's yum.
If you like gummy candy, is it the texture or the don't love the texture? And I also just don't
love like the kind of I don't love that kind of like artificial fruit sweetness. Like I just
just not really for me. I can't believe it. Have you ever had Turkish delight?
It's just just not really for me. I can't believe it. Have you ever had Turkish delight?
Um, I think I have had Turkish delight in the in the novel the lie in the witch in the wardrobe
The evil witch offers Edmund
Turkish delight. Oh, yes, and that is what very quickly causes him to
Betray his family. Wow turn against his sisters and brothers. The hell? Because he's so, and both my wife was all of me and all right, and I loved that book when we were kids.
And we both had this idea that Turkish delight must be the most delicious thing in the world.
Yeah.
Because it would make you turn on your family and become an awful person.
And then finally we went to England.
And in an apartment store they had had Turkish delight. And it was
basically like unflavored gumdrops. Oh my god. It was the
most disgusting thing I've ever had in my life. It's possible
then I haven't had Turkish delight. It did sound like
other flavors, but it tends to be like lavender flavored or
pistachio flavored because they call it Turkish delight, but
it's a more of a, more of a Middle Eastern thing.
Sounds like Robert Kraft's favorite candy.
He's the guy who gets jacked off in the massage.
Like that's called a Turkish delight.
Turkish delight.
And I get the Turkish delight.
You go off menu here,
and I don't even have my shoulders or my back worked on.
I want the Turkish delight.
I was just trying to say it sounds like some sort of.
Sounds like a happy ending. It sounds like a happy ending.
Sounds like a euphemism from some sex act.
Turkish delight, seems like a, it seems like,
I mean, Robert Kraft, yeah.
They shouldn't have fired Belichick.
They shouldn't have fired Belichick.
The Krafts suck.
The Kraft family sucks.
Yeah.
Though I do love, I do love the blue box, Mac and cheese.
Blue box is good.
Yeah, yeah.
And that is the same family, right?
I don't know.
I think it is.
This is the first I've heard of it.
I think it is.
Yeah, I like that too.
He's done a lot of good work.
A lot of Patriot Super Bowls.
Let him get a Turkish delight.
He deserves a Turkish delight every so often, I guess.
I enjoy as a snack, a craft individually wrapped single
from time to time.
Yeah, they're pretty good.
Craft is, as a company, it's pretty good.
He sucks though.
I can't wait to see people on the Reddit
giving you all the information about the craft
as a corporation.
What a great company it is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Do you know how many children died creating the... I know, it's probably like the Lowell Mills, I'm have said yes, but let me tell you, I would have been so wrong. I can't believe how many I had
and all the money I was wasting.
Wow, Rocket Money is a personal finance app
that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions
like Doe Boyz, monitors your spending
and helps lower your bills.
I can see all of my subscriptions in one place
and if I see something I don't want,
I can cancel it with a tap.
I never have to get on the phone with customer service. They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of
wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take
a picture of your bill and Rocket Money takes care of the rest. Tap a tap a tap, tap a tap a tap,
What could that be? Tap a tap a tap, tapcom slash doughboys. That's rockandmoney.com slash doughboys. Rockandmoney.com slash doughboys.
The Last Doughboyz.
Let's get to our final thoughts on C's candy.
So, Hodgman, you're a veteran of the show,
you know how this works.
We'll each go around, give a closing argument if you will,
and give it a score from zero to five forks.
Your guest will begin with you. Well, you know, and give it a score from zero to five forks. Okay. Your guest will begin with you.
Well, you know, even as a judge on the Judge John Hodgman podcast, maximumfund.org every Wednesday, I ought to recuse myself because I am not a candy
fan.
Um, who can make the sunshine?
I don't give a shit.
Oh, you can candy man.
I'll stay indoors.
I don't care.
And yet that said, there are some candies I do like.
I like a more savory candy.
And you would think that in this realm
with the bigger flavor profiles
and the sort of butter, creamy ganache
and the truffles and the dark chocolate,
which I do like. You know, this is not, we're not going down a straight candy aisle here.
I would probably find some things in this box that I would enjoy. And so I was genuinely surprised
when I didn't really. I love this brand. I love the typeface of their brand name and everything else.
I know that it's historic.
I'm glad this man kept the corpse of his mother alive
for so many years to create something
that probably people have nice associations with.
So I don't want to get anyone in the West Coast mad,
but I've had so much better chocolate
and so much better candy than this
that for someone who's
going to only eat candy about once a year, say maybe during Love Week on a podcast, I
was kind of disappointed.
Wow.
I was kind of like hoping that I'd be like, yeah, this is undeniable.
But it was deniable.
It was not anything that would turn my head.
So that's sort of where I'm at with that.
Wow.
Yeah, there was one.
Yeah, there was not anything that I like.
I didn't like any of them.
The truffles were better than the others.
So how does that translate into a fork score?
Oh, um, well, it's one to four, right?
Sorry to be one to five.
One to five.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm going to go for the fuck.
Wasn't it one to four at once?
One point. It's better than this podcast punch. What the fuck? Wasn't it one to four at once? One point? It's been on this podcast, what the fuck?
All right, then five.
No.
No.
No.
No.
I'm gonna go right down the middle,
say two and a half.
Two and a half, four.
Here's why.
I think they're doing what they're doing.
Yeah.
And I'm sure there are people who love,
they just have an association with Cs. So, you know, I got it.
I can't, I don't think that they're failing at what they're trying to do.
But what they're doing is very medium for me.
So two and a half, I might even do three just to be kind.
Are you, do you want to land on three?
In honor of that poor preserved corpse of a mother.
I'd like to that for love week.
It's a, I want, I love her and I don't want her to feel that she was
kept alive before beyond comfort for nothing.
Good score.
Three forks, three forks.
Boon man.
What do you think?
Hmm.
I'm going to use a heart shaped box here for a second.
Hey, wait. I'm gonna use a heart shaped box here for a second.
Hey, wait, I got a new complaint. Yeah.
We're podcasters, we're leaving it in. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I was looking at the lyrics to Heart Shape Box and I was like trying to very quickly be like,
like do a full parody song of it. I couldn't do it that fast.
You did great.
She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak.
Wow, why?
I've been locked inside your Heart Shape Box for a week.
A little Nirvana.
I don't know a lot of songs, but I know a little bit of those lyrics.
Aye aye, all those candies, Ooh, there's some treats.
All right, there we go.
There you go.
I mean, we shouldn't work this out now.
No, this is good.
Maybe we'll just end the episode
with our fully produced version of this parody song.
We're podcasters, that'll never happen. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But I do have a few complaints. It is true. Let's hear him.
That football sucked.
Yeah.
And you know, I don't wanna say football sucks.
I love football.
Right.
The Super Bowl has happened.
Yeah.
Time stamps.
What an incredible outcome of that game.
Oh my God.
Can you believe what happened with Taylor Swift?
I mean, I thought it might and then it did.
And then it happened.
Maybe it didn't.
It did.
Everyone was right.
She endorsed Biden at halftime. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and Biden getting lowered down into the Super Bowl would be really funny to see. President should do stuff like that.
They should have more fun, I say.
Like when Shinzo Abe, the Japanese prime minister
hopped out of the pipe, the Mario pipe,
at the end of the Beijing Olympics, right?
To like signify that it was coming to-
Was he assassinated?
Yeah, I think he got killed by a makeshift gun.
It's fucking, someone had built a gun.
Hey, it's Love Week.
Oh, sorry.
Sorry, yeah.
Why are we talking about political assassination?
I mean, he was pretty right-wing, so.
Dear Lord.
You love to see it?
Yeah.
No, it was like Kojima's shit.
The guy made a gun and then used it to fucking kill him.
It was crazy.
Wow.
Um, but yeah, anyway, that was a fun thing that a president, what that a world leader did was hop out of a Mario.
I'm like, the next Olympics is going to be in Japan.
And we love Mario.
And then COVID happened.
I forgot about that.
That's the other issue.
They got delayed and then the Olympics got delayed as a result.
Yeah.
I know, I know people were like really upset that the
dual Olympics got delayed.
We did, we did end up doing the 2020
Olympics and 2021 like the summer Olympics.
When you ask people about like,
As far as I'm concerned, I'm sorry.
When you ask people online, like what was the worst part of the
thing about COVID and then people say like the
Olympics delayed?
Delayed.
I think a lot of us felt that way.
Um, uh, I was going to point out like, uh, you know, like at I'm not delayed. I think a lot of us felt that way.
I was going to point out like, you know, like at first I was like, oh, Hillary Clinton tweeting about the Barbie movie. I'm like, this is a direct line to Trump like shaking his hands in victory for the 2024 election.
But Trump's taken on the Swifties. And I think that that's a battle you can't win, Trump.
I don't think you can. I think that you shouldn't take on,
I suppose he's taking on the Swifties.
Would Biden say, I don't know about you,
but I'm feeling 72? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Jamie, a lot of years off. All right, I'll leave. No, we love you.
And we've picked a bad chain for you.
And this is a good episode, actually.
Yeah.
And now I'm feeling very insecure.
Well, when you said you were going to leave, I felt sad.
No, I never want to leave.
Well, you got to because we're almost done.
And this was, look, it was something different.
We tried some chocolates.
I think you're right that it's hard to eat chocolates
all at once.
So that for me, I'm like, try not to be that hard.
I thought that that peanut butter chocolate heart,
dark chocolate was fantastic.
I think that was really, really, really good.
Would you give a box of candy to a loved one on Valentine's Day?
If it were a C's heart-shaped box.
No.
No.
I would give my mom some turtles though.
Some turtles from Whitman?
No, from Phillips Candy House.
From the Shredder?
Bring me the turtles to the sun.
Wow.
Wow.
Her son has the body suit that Crayng sits in. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha son's body type. Um, or I guess it could have gone bebop and rocks or rock steady.
No, you made the right choice. Um, I think that this is a California institution,
YGZ. And you know what? I love it because it means something to my friend, YGZ.
Wow. But I think that, uh, you know, like, I think it's just a sad thing in America that like
the candy house, I think you get it in some places where there's like just fantastic places.
If you go to the Northeast or, you know, to a little town,
they still have their local chocolate, you know, factory
or little chocolate shop and it's great.
And but I think that America has gone past this
and not in a good way.
I'm not like, you know, it's, it's capitalism.
There's a bunch of different fucking bullshit chocolate
on the shelves.
These places have just been, you know,
washed out of existence.
They don't really exist anymore.
And I like it that it's still a candy shop
that is still going and still doing its thing.
So I'm gonna be nice.
You know, I'm gonna give a three and a quarter forks.
I think that-
Three and a quarter forks.
I think that, you know, you could do worse.
Hey, if you're at the airport and, you know,
you forgot to get, you know, you wanna pick up something for your family? I think it's a good, I think it's know you could do worse. Hey if you're at the airport and you know you forgot to get you know
You want to pick up something for your family? Yeah, I think it's I think it's a good. I think it's a good grab. Yeah, I
Like sees candy
I do have some nostalgia for it and I do have a lot of associations. Nothing says I almost forgot to get you something like a box of
seas can't
I've I've had a lot.
And again, this is what I thought a good chocolate was
when I was younger.
I was always happy to see a box of cheese,
of cheese candy around the holidays.
You almost just said box of cheese.
I know, I was getting very excited.
Box of cheese can, hard shaped box of cheese.
I'd much rather have that these days.
Yeah, if Koalic's my Valentine.
Um, so.
Our chef is my mom, Shredder.
I don't even know what that means.
He's like splinter the radical.
Right, right, right.
Yeah, okay, right.
So I do have a lot of fond memories about it.
That said, I could never have this again and be fine.
And having it today, returning to it.
And I was like, oh yes, he's candy.
That's fun.
And I was biting these.
I was like, oh yeah, this is not as good as I remember it.
And it's also like, this is just exactly like any sort of candy
of this category.
Like this is not like doing anything particularly notable
and I have no reason to go here for any sort of like,
for any sort of special occasion or anything like this
because like the loved ones in my life
aren't gonna be happy to get C's candy
and I don't need to have it myself.
I also think that there is something
and you were hitting on this Mitch
and we were all talking about this throughout the episode
but it kind of occupies a space that I think maybe
just the market has moved past.
And we see the same thing with sit down chain restaurants like your Applebee's your GGI
Fridays of the world where people either want like fine dining, they either want like a,
like a, you know, a fancier sit down experience or they want takeout, the kind of mid tier place where you're going to go sit down
with your family and have a meal.
There's just like less of a market for that now
because people's habits have changed
and because, you know, wealth is even more disparate
as distributed.
So I think that C's candy is kind of falling
into the cracks there.
It seems to still be successful as a company.
And I'm sure there are a lot of people who are,
I'm just gonna be around for a while,
but for me, I don't know.
I think it's a three forker.
I think this is right in the middle.
This is right in the middle of the bell curve.
You know what, I'm gonna go three fork chain.
For the love of the three of us being on the same page.
What is that called again?
The hand-holding club.
We're in the hand-holding club.
We're in the hand-holding club.
Beautiful. Give it, wow, we're hand holding clad holding. We're in the hand holding. We're in the hand holding clad. Beautiful.
Give it.
Wow. We're all holding hands here.
Just a warning.
We're podcasters and we're in love.
Just a warning.
That's about to sogg up on you pretty quick.
Hey, that was seas candy.
Could I get all of the hand sanitizer please?
We have a new segment for Love Week. Hey, that was seas candy. Could I get all of the hand sanitizer please? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha to come on Judge John Ojman. Yes, I'm with you and Jesse Dornan. He discussed condiment crimes. People who put the wrong condiments on the right food. I was gonna be on that episode.
I was shooting, I shot a short.
I don't know if you know, you knew this, right?
You shot a short.
I shot a short.
Right, yeah, sure.
I'm sure it paid a lot of money, so you had to do it.
I mean, I wouldn't want to interfere in your career.
It's probably nominated for an Oscar, right?
So, probably was, yeah, absolutely.
In the industry, by the way, shooting this short
doesn't mean that I went on and shot Danny DeVito.
It means that I filmed a short film. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes, yeah, and people don't know the Hollywood. And people were probably confused. And we missed you, but of course.
Yes, you must work.
I gotta work.
Yeah.
But another time.
I'm excited about the show.
It's cool.
Amelia filled in for you.
We had a lovely time over there.
More laughs.
In fact, I'm not sure.
Yeah.
I took I took a measurement.
What is is and it was wonderful and we had a great time.
I heard it went great. It was great.
It was very kind of you to come on the show.
Oh, I had a lot of fun.
It's always a blast.
We may edit, we can edit this out of this episode too,
recalling something that got edited out,
but you asked for some context for what is Doe Boys
for people who haven't heard the podcast
and were Judge John Hodgman listeners.
And Amelia answers by saying like,
well, I asked my sister and she said,
it's a food podcast where they talk mostly about cum.
And that was like her opening salvo.
Yes, this is in the first like 30 seconds of the podcast.
Which was perfectly reasonable.
Yes, yes.
And hilarious as well.
And accurate?
Yes.
Yeah, very accurate.
Yes, but we have a family audience.
Exactly, it's a different,
so we replaced it with ejaculates.
All right, this is a new segment from Amila.
This is binge.
By the way, she said that she was, oh my God.
Oh my God.
What is, she told me that she had been working
on this for a while.
She put a lot of work into this.
She put a lot of work into this.
And which makes me feel like it's going to be insane.
The other conditional thing she said is,
okay, this is dumb as hell, but here it is.
We must peruse profiles on the fictional dating app binge.
Oh my God.
And decide if we'll be
right Overbill the video feed and for someone who's been married for 25 years remind me which left and which what does left mean left?
Is you don't let me know not a chicken okay, right?
You want to fuck the chair right is right is good. Okay great
Yeah, okay, so this is binge for people watching this video you're saying to have sex with the food or to have the food for dinner
I could also take that into consideration. I think it's open-ended
But this is rotiss. This is rotiss
We're gonna possibly match with rotiss. We have a big profile kick of a rotisserie chicken
And it says Mike most controversial opinion, flats are better than drumsticks.
Wow.
Now, look.
The team is commenting on how you eat its own arms.
I guess so.
I think that you gotta take everything
into consideration here.
Right.
One, would you fuck it?
Yes, of course.
Sure.
I didn't mean yes, of course, for me,
but yes, also I would fuck it.
Two, do you like rotisserie chicken?
Three, what do you think about the statements here?
It's only one hour, it's one hour old,
which means that it's still pretty warm.
It also, it also sometimes smokes weed apparently.
Oh, I just realized that yeah,
there's a marijuana leaf icon that says sometimes next to it.
And then 11 inches.
11 inches.
Wait, is that a part of these dating apps?
There's a ruler for your hog?
It's for your height, you freak.
Oh, I was gonna say, this is like,
what a degrading exercise.
You think I put fucking three inches
on my fucking dating profile?
I'm sorry, man.
Wow.
Wow.
I also like that the weed symbol could mean like herbs.
Sometimes it is.
Yeah, sometimes herbs.
Yeah, sometimes there's herbs.
Sometimes my dead cavity is filled with oregano and butter.
Flats are better than drumsticks.
I think that is controversial because I like drumsticks.
I know the wing eater loves flats.
I love flats, but they're both good.
This isn't gonna make me swipe left.
I'm swiping right on rotiss, personally.
I'm swiping right big time.
I also just say rotisserie chicken as something to eat
is such like it just, I'll have that anytime.
I'm always content with the rotisserie chicken.
Yeah.
I have nothing to add.
Absolutely swipe right.
My thought is like, you're like,
like, his friends like hanging out with,
like there's oranges there. You know what I mean? you're like like his friends like hanging out with like there's oranges there
You know I mean you're like like
Oranges are weird
That's a red flag. Yeah, I'm saying he's like let's sketchy. He's with a sketchy crew. It looks like yeah weird sort of you know
I think those are maybe lemons
Even then though that's kind of a good plating choice
Otherwise though that looks like a really nice
rotisserie chicken that I'd fuck.
Yeah.
We're swiping right.
We're swiping right on the right.
All right, next up.
Did you swipe right?
Oh no, you just moved it off cake.
No one wants to eat me.
Oh, I'm convinced that, no, this is like a sad.
All right, this cake is.
This cake is three weeks old.
Three weeks old, it is a Libra.
The location is Albertsons and its hog is 12 by 9 by 2.
Much like mine.
This is hard for me because this is...
I won't tell you the exact name.
Definitely rectangular.
This is hard for me because this is specifically would be,
I'm a Libra-wide, so this is like a birthday cake for me.
Oh.
Here's the age is really worrying.
The three weeks is not going to be a fun cake.
Three weeks, I think this is enough that I would,
I also just don't, this is like a very frosty,
frosting happy cake.
Yeah, you're like in mishabitism from great expectations territory with that old
cake. I don't think I want that at all.
Yeah, you know, I'm you know where I stand. I'm not eating cake most of the time anyway. I agree. No one wants to eat you.
I'm gonna swipe left.
That's really, that's a bummer because they're like, I'm convinced that no one wants to eat me and then they're just not getting any swipe right.
Hey, can I give some advice to the cake though?
Don't be self-deprecating.
Yeah, yeah. That's a great point. You know what I mean?
Like, people will hear that and even if you've, you know, you gotta have some confidence in yourself.
Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I'm a cake that's aged like wine,
something like that. Hey, all right, maybe I'll swipe right on that. But no, this year,
it doesn't help. Sorry, can't. We should say to our audio listeners that this is like very much like a white cake with sprinkles on it.
So this is like a birthday flavored very, very archetypal grocery store birthday cake.
And I'm a big birthday flavor fan.
But still, I think just like this one is it's just a troublesome version of that.
So yeah, unfortunately, we're swiping left on cake.
All right, what's that cake? Sorry cake?
Chourette chourette is next we got some churros here. Yeah, what does that say three minutes five minutes five minutes five minutes?
These are fresh. Yeah, these are some new board. Oh, these are it's a query is chocolate isn't the only thing you can dip me into Jesus
open to children
What is the what it says dog?
That means they have a dog.
I have a pet dog.
Okay, so this chocolate drip dip confection has a dog.
It takes care of.
What have we told you that chocolate
isn't the only thing you dip me into?
Very horny.
I actually don't like how horny and forward that is.
I find that unsettling.
Churros are pretty horny in and of themselves.
I asked them, I think that they're pretty funny.
I'm swiping right here for sure. I do like churros are pretty horny in and of themselves. I guess so. I asked them, I think that they're pretty funny.
I'm swiping right here for sure.
I do like churros.
I'm swiping right because they're delicious, but I just like, I'm like a little bit like,
ugh, this is maybe bad for me in the wrong way.
Yeah, that's true.
I got a swipe left.
I wouldn't eat it, wouldn't fuck it.
What?
That's just me.
It's not you, churro.
Hard to fuck, that is for sure.
Yeah. This is, you know fuck, that is for sure. Yeah.
You know what this one is for me?
I'm like, who's your friend?
And I'm looking at a cup of chocolate in Florida.
Oh yeah, right.
Your friend single?
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, Charette.
I'll still split right.
Also I'm mad because they didn't show a picture of their dog.
That's true.
That's great.
That's a great point.
All right, Constance is, age as a lady never tells,
wine is yes, cigarettes are yes, and not vaccinated.
Not vaccinated.
My simple pleasure, Sigs and Doors oversleeping.
This looks like an old school.
This is like an old school, yeah, go ahead.
Like a hot dog gelatin mold.
Yeah, this is something you would get, yeah,
from a like 50s, 60s recipe card.
It's a gelatin ring mold full of hot dogs and pickles.
Here's the deal.
I'm swiping right on this, but I'm not telling you guys.
But this is like, this is, you're gonna see me out with Constance.
I'm like, hey.
Hey, oh, hi.
Hi, this is Constance.
Oh, hey, how's it going?
Hi, good to see you. Hey, you hi. Is this Constance? Oh hey, how's it going? Hi, good to see you.
How you doing, Nikki? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha This is constant the hot dog gelatin mold. I think maybe ultimately this is a swipe left.
This is a left, because I just find this revolting.
Like this is like repulsive.
Oh yeah, that too, yeah.
I really want to eat it though, right.
Yeah, I'm curious.
I really want to try it.
Don't you want to have like a bite of it?
I do want to have a bite of it.
But I think I just, I might just retch
from the savory texture plus like the gelatin.
It will be disgusting. Yes, yeah.
But I am curious, I'm definitely curious about all gelatin mold entrees. Yeah. Me too.
They, and they used to be very common. Yeah, what a weird trend for a time. Not anymore.
Casseroles, I feel like are going that way, where casseroles used to be like a staple of
like middle American cuisine and now you don't really see people wanting to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to Ruth is three days old. Ruth is a three day old sandwich. This looks like a turkey sub from Jersey Mike.
I hope we're giving enough context
for people who are listening to audio wise
because this feels like another thing.
We're podcasters.
We anticipate people complaining about the episode.
I could see people complaining about us being like,
they had a visual segment and I only listened to audio.
I don't get, I didn't understand.
I'm sorry, I did the wrong voice.
They had, the dope boys did a video segment
and they didn't describe enough for people listening audio only. You did the wrong voice when The Dope Boys did a video segment and they didn't describe enough
for people listening audio only.
You did the wrong voice when he was imitating me.
I think that Ruth might be a ham sub.
All right, what we're looking at here is a Jersey Mike sub.
I think Ruth might be a Talian.
I'm seeing what looks like a Talian sub.
Ham, yeah, okay.
Talian sub, this is three days old.
It is from Jersey Mike's.
It says it believes in non-monogamy.
And my childhood crush is Rick Moranis.
Fun.
There's some red flags here with this one, but I, but uh, I want to swipe right.
Yeah, being Italian one is the big time.
I think that I would swipe left on this.
The three days old is just just it's getting a little
Yeah, I think that sandwich would hold up. Okay, but you might have dispensed a little bit. Yeah
Yeah, I I think that if this is a great expectations were Mrs. Havish is young and hot
Like a prequel yeah prequel if this were a freshly made sandwich, I would fuck with it.
100%.
But it's three days old.
Also, yeah, I know, but you can tell that this is like one of those people who submits
a profile picture that's 10 years old, you know, to their profile.
Yeah, also you're saying it's even older than it.
I'm saying that that photo looks fairly appetizing because it was probably taken when it was still
in its 20s.
Yeah, we don't know what we don't know. We haven't seen the three-day old photo.
I don't know if you know anybody who submits a 10-year-old headshot for a job.
Oh, yeah, no, there's no way. And I never would put those up on my dating profile.
Definitely not me on After Midnight last night.
And it's not me in my dating apps where I look 100 pounds lighter than I do now.
Well, I think that Ruth here is trying to put something over on us.
I don't think Ruth can look that good after three days.
The childhood crush Rick Moranis, another tell of like,
that's like a real, but that's a real generational thing.
Like you were around when Honey I Shunk the Kids was, you know, big on VHS.
Also, here's my age.
Which means you weren't, you're, you know, you're more like my age.
Yes, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're my age, Which means you weren't, you're more like my age. Yes, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're my age, which, ugh. No thank you.
Being with someone my age.
Ugh.
Are you kidding me?
I disagree with Nick.
I think that there are probably girls out there
who are young and do like Rick Moranis
and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna find one of them
one of these days.
My issue here is the non-monogamy part.
I come in to the Head Come Studios,
I see Ruth in Wags' mouth.
Why did it upset me?
Of all the things that have been said in the podcast.
It's the exercise.
I come in, Ruth is in York.
What the hell is going on here, Ruth?
You're my sandwich.
You know why that upset me, Mitch?
Is because that would be betraying my good friend, Mitch.
Yeah.
And I love you too much to do that,
which I can say during Love Week.
And it wouldn't be in the mouth of Benin
that had got my honks because they won't, they,
they wouldn't.
They're not gonna eat that.
They're not gonna eat that.
They'll throw the bread in the trash.
They'll eat the inside.
I think the issue is first off, I don't eat pork anymore.
So I can't have the Italian sub as much as I love
an Italian sub.
It's one of the foods I miss the most.
But the non-monogamy is a big, like that's just,
I don't, I, whatever, I get that works for some people.
I'm, I can't be that guy.
Fair enough.
There's just so much communication and negotiation
that goes into it.
Yeah.
So we're swiping.
We're swiping left on Ruth.
Swiping left.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry Ruth.
At first bite I was like,
okay great, we have one more.
One more.
Okay, this one is.
Sam.
Sam, which is Lunchables,
Lunchables nachos?
It looks like Lunchables nachos that have been peeled open.
Yeah, and it looks like it's,
I can't tell if it's been heated a little bit.
There's like a gooey orange cheese
and then some sort of ketchup like salsa
and then some really grim looking chips,
little small round tortilla chips.
Oh, so it is four years old.
Four years old, it is liberal and agnostic,
10 inch hog and my most irrational fear is children.
You know what?
This lines up with me so much.
Yeah.
Like everything, I think everything in here
is children are horrifying,
agnostic, the 10 inches doesn't really work.
But there's a lot that I kinda like here weirdly.
There's some things like there's a time of life match
between you. I think maybe. Like a four year old lunchable kind of matches here weirdly. There's some things like there's a time of life match between you.
I think maybe.
A four-year-old Lunchable kind of matches up with a.
It kind of matches up with.
However old Mitch.
That's a 40-year-old, times 10.
This kind of feels like me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And also it looks like shit and that's kind of what.
It's 10 years for every one year, like in munchable years.
You're four years old.
Lunchable like dog years.
Lunchable. Yeah.
It's times 10 instead of times seven basically.
I think it looks like shit, which is also like my dating profile pictures.
I like, I like Sam.
I think Sam is cool.
I think I can get along with Sam.
Here's the other thing I will say, like Sam is the kind of thing that I coveted
as a kid and could never have
Which is like you see that that the not if I saw the lot the nachos lunchables
Like at a grocery store or saw another kid had it as their lunch You would like to bring that to lunch that looks like the ultimate lunch
I bet that would be so good and obviously it's probably like tastes like shit
But the curiosity factor makes me want to swipe right on it would be would be a status symbol in the cafeteria. For sure, yeah.
Yeah.
I think we're swiping, I think I'm swiping.
They'd be like, hey, maybe coconut freak is pretty cool. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha want to live. But you know, Edgar Allen Poe has the concept, the imp of the perverse, which is that interior impulse towards
self-destruction that you feel when you're standing on the edge
of a, you know, a cliff face or something, the imp of the
perverse is that part of you that wants to throw yourself off.
Yeah.
That's me and that, and that nacho cheese, like that four year
old nacho cheese, I kind of want to taste it.
Me too.
Kind of want to throw myself into it.
All right, it's a split decision on Sam.
That was binge.
That was a fun segment.
Fun segment.
Who do you think has given more to the world of art?
Edgar Allen Poe or Poe Dameron?
It's a good question.
Yeah, right.
Well, Poe Dameron.
One of them was alive. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true. One is right. Well, Poe Dameron. One of them was alive.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
One is, I guess, one is nonfiction.
One invented the detective story, arguably.
Poe Dameron?
Yeah, that's right.
Poe Dameron.
One of them has like the raven and the other one has like call waiting joke.
Yeah, in space, a space call waiting joke.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's tough.
It's tough, it's good that I brought it up, I think.
It's tough.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And one of them has Mask of the Red Death.
One of them says somehow Palpatine has returned.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
It's tough, it's a good question.
Which one said they fly now?
I think it was the raven.
That was the raven, yeah, that was the raven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're on point. Yeah's a good question. Which one said they fly now? I think it was your Elm Paul.
Yeah, that was the one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think your Elm Paul.
Yeah, I think that happens in the raven.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They fly now?
Yeah.
Both the raven.
They fly now?
They fly now.
They fly now.
Yeah, they've always flown.
They're ravens.
Idiot.
Thank you, Amelia.
Binge was fun.
That was very fun.
Just like a restaurant, you have all your feedback.
Let's up to the feedback.
Today's email is from Wet Willy. Hi, Wet Willy. Hi, Wet Willy. Hi, just like a restaurant value feedback. Let's up to the feedback. Today's email is from wet Willy.
Hi, Willie. Hi, Willie. If your relationship was on the rocks
in quotes and you needed to make a grand gesture in the form
of a Valentine's Day meal, would you cook something yourself
or take them to a fancy dinner? What dish would you make for
them or where would you take them? Oh, please God help me. Oh
no. Oh, Willie. I hope this reaches you in time.
It was Lily?
Lily.
Lily.
Lily.
Hmm.
Okay, so here's the thing.
I think it depends on, are you talking about,
like you know whoever you're dealing with better than us.
So in a generic sense, for me, I would make something
because I have a few like clutch dishes I know I can nail and can be like hey this is I put my I you know bite
I poured my heart and soul into this dish. I made this thing and here's here's a nice like sort of romantic gesture
I've done for you, which is not me you on the table with sushi on top
Which is not me
Going out of my pocket book. This is me using my labor.
Like this is me making something for you.
With Natalie, I think I would take her out
to a restaurant that she loves
cause like, she knows my cooking
and also I think in our specific situation,
she would not want to be like surprised
with like, here you go, I made this meal for you. She'd not want to be like surprised with like,
here you go, I made this meal for you.
She'd want it to be like,
hey, this is this thing we're planning out
and we're gonna go to this place that I know is,
we both love and is important to us.
So I think it just depends on your situation.
But I think if you're asking for a general answer,
first off, I think it's always helpful to have
one or two dishes that you can just absolutely nail
that you have in your back pocket
that you just like, hey, this is the thing I can prepare.
Like Mitch's delightful bar pizza.
You can make a bar pizza for somebody
and you're gonna knock their socks out.
So have a couple of things that you can execute well,
even if it's someone else's recipe
and prepare that for a loved one.
What's your clutch dish?
This is a great question.
So I think like I would do,
I was doing for a while a chicken adobo, which I figured out really well.
And you know, I'm certainly not an authentic version of it,
I'm sure, but it was always like a crowd pleaser.
And I knew how to do it like with a degree of proficiency,
had a recipe that really worked for me.
I'm really good at like pan roasting.
This would be your gesture of apology to Natalie.
Yes, yeah. I'll make a dinner for you that I know really well, so I can make it
robotically for you.
Yeah, exactly.
No, that's why I'm saying to a restaurant.
Just like a general apology for like, like, you know, you get it.
You're married to me.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, buddy.
Why is, you know, I make a lot of jokes about Natalie and her horrifying experience as your wife.
But a great couple, a wonderful couple.
Absolutely, what a nice guy.
He loves his wife very much and she loves him and she's cool as hell.
Now I'm going on faith that this person exists because I've never met her.
That is also a big question.
But everything that I've heard over the years suggests that you have one of the great romances. Yeah, no, I put a wig on and look in the mirror and she's real. But everything I've heard over the years suggests that you have one of the great romances.
Yeah, no, I put a wig on and look in the mirror
and she's there.
And I go along with it, which is nice.
What did I say the other day where I said,
Nali is cool as hell?
What'd she do?
She did something cool as hell the other day.
She had John Benet Ramsey as her profile pic
on MySpace.
But she worked.
Jeez.
Wow. Wow.
Wow.
It doesn't find that far as
fontless she's close.
Um, yes, good.
Just to follow up on your question,
Chicken to Nobo is one I was doing well for a while,
but honestly, like for like a sort of more romanticbo is one I was doing well for a while, but honestly, for a more romantic thing,
if I'm doing something that has meat,
I can do a really good cast-iron ribeye.
Like I'm great at that,
and I can do some mashed potatoes
and some roasted garlic asparagus or something.
I can do a very classic sort of dinner
that I can execute very, very well.
Very nice.
Something like that.
Very nice.
A Doughboy's listeners relationship being on the rocks is bad news.
It's dire circumstances because starting off, you're a Doughboy's listener.
You're in a bad...
You're already out of deficit.
You're out of deficit already.
But I think that...
There's always an implicit question on the other party spot, which is, what am I doing?
Yes, yes, 100% or person.
Why am I with this person?
They listen to the Doughboys.
They have horrible taste.
Yeah.
Um, and I hope that it works out for this person.
I do it.
Willie for, for what Willie?
Yeah.
I'm wishing good things for what Willie.
What did he name himself?
Wet Willie.
Wet Willie.
Yeah.
Oh, Jesus is trouble.
Um, what Willie, I would, I think the gesture of, of, of attempting to make something, if, if things aren't going well, I think the gesture of attempting to make something,
if things aren't going well,
I think the gesture of trying to make a meal is very,
and trying to make it a little romantic, like a candle or two in each way.
That's fun, yeah.
And attempt to make something.
I think that someone, the significant other will really appreciate that attempt,
that effort, I think.
That may be or it may not be.
So I would encourage Whit Willy to simply ask,
you know, helping as we say on Judge John Hodgman,
like helping in the way you want to help is never help.
Yeah.
Helping the way you are asked to help is always help, even if it's not the thing
you feel like doing.
Yeah.
So I would say if you're eating shit in the relationship, say, well, I'd really
like to make it up to you and I'm really apologetic.
Which would you prefer?
Is there a restaurant you'd love to go to?
Would you like me to make some of Weigar's special adobo chicken?
I can download the recipe.
It will. From Weigar. I'm surely going to fuck it up.
I listened to a podcast about fast food.
I probably don't know how to make this.
I don't know what Willie's competency
in the kitchen or whatever, but I would just say,
yeah, follow that lead.
To me, if I were in this position,
I would take my wife out to dinner.
And obviously it's whatever you can do within your means, but I feel in this position, I would take my wife out to dinner. Yeah.
And obviously it's whatever you can do within your means.
Right.
But I feel like the gesture is not,
there's always something about cooking
which is somehow about the person who's cooking.
And what you don't want to do when you're apologizing
is make it about you.
Like, hey, I'm showing off my incredible recipe.
That's fair.
That's a great point.
That's a good point.
You just want to make it all about the other person
and that just means,
to me it means taking them out to dinner.
If you have those, I have an idea.
Yeah.
They come home.
You got some candles lit.
You have some wine.
Maybe you made an appetizer.
Maybe you made.
And I got reservations.
Maybe you peeled off the top of the lunchables.
Maybe you peeled off the top of a nachos lunchables.
Right.
I got reservations to dinner, right?
But here's a nice romantic pregame that you put together
yourself.
Have the best of both worlds.
Best of both worlds.
There you go.
And some advice to-
And I have for dessert, a chocolate football.
A dead-
Toss it to her.
Go long.
And some advice to their significant other, ditch the goon, get with the spoon.
Simple.
Wow. Now, I can't tell how concerned Wet Willy is. get other ditch the goon get with the spoon. Whoa. Simple.
Wow.
Now, I can't tell how concerned Wet Willy is.
I think he's slightly jo-
I think the oh, oh, please God help me addendum is like a little bit tongue in cheek.
Yeah, I think he's doing okay.
And you know where I'm going to take my wife if I'm ever in the doghouse to make up to
her?
Mama Mitchell's house of baked headache.
Can I tell us one more thing? Mama Mitchell's house of baked headache
Can I tell us one more thing cuz we mentioned Natalie earlier This is a thing I learned from her in terms of just like hey
This is a pretty easy dish to execute and I think a lot like you know
Maybe you don't have like the most competency in the kitchen
But you can figure out how to do this is just you can take it like a like a an off-the-shelf
Red sauce and some off-the- shelf pasta and plus up that sauce.
Not even necessarily with a protein,
but you dice an onion, you throw in some garlic,
you add some seasoning, even just some dried basil
or something like that.
Bam!
Yeah, exactly, you can bam that up.
You can really make that feel,
taste like something a lot better than what you're talking about.
I thought it'd be fucking impressed.
I thought Hodgman would be impressed.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah I thought it'd be fucking impressed. I thought Hodgman would be impressed. Ah!
I'm always impressed.
You know, I've got an idea for you.
You make that bar pizza.
You know, that kind of pizza freezes pretty well.
Yes, that's true.
You could have a business.
Oh, man.
And you wouldn't even have to employ your mom.
Like a Cape Cod pizza sort of deal, which are there? Mike Mitchell's apology pizza.
If you've done someone wrong, send them a bar pie from Mike Mitchell.
Oh, God.
I'd be buying my own product over and over again.
Either waiting for a guest post-record.
I'd gold belly that to me.
Yeah.
Cape Cod pizza is great.
They make a great frozen bar pizza if you ever had one. You can toss them on the grill. That's the thing with the Cape Cod pizza is great. They make a great frozen bar pizza if you ever had one.
You can toss them on the grill.
That's the thing with the Cape Cod pizza.
Toss them on the grill and cook them up.
Wet Willy, I hope that this all works out for you.
Yeah, hope it works out for you Wet Willy.
Yeah, I hope everything is good.
It's Love Week.
We wanna see love flourish.
We wanna see love bloom.
Yes.
Okay, let me follow up with this.
If you say like, hey, what do you wanna do?
And you get hit with, I don't know,
what do you wanna do?
Or whatever, what's the counter?
Cause that's always the thing I find myself in,
in situations and all sorts of interactions of like,
someone else- That's the little stuff for me
cause in my head I'm like, nothing.
I don't wanna do anything.
Right, someone else doesn't wanna make a decision.
So you're trying to read their mind.
And I've kind of find in those situations, I'm just speaking for myself. I don't wanna see it wrong. Right, someone else doesn't wanna make a decision, so you're trying to read their mind. And I kind of find in those situations,
I'm just speaking for myself,
I don't know if I'm not expert on these things.
I kind of feel like if you sometimes are just,
just say what you want,
that's actually what they want with that question.
You know what I mean?
It's a weird confusing sort of like.
They want you to say what you want.
Yeah, they want you to say what you want.
And so they're bouncing it back,
they're like ponging it back to they're like pinging it back to you
so that you have the opportunity to do that
versus like I'm trying to get you to guess what I want.
Duh what a nightmare.
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't wanna play fucking mind games
with you or anyone.
Next question. Ha ha ha confused is what you were asking.
Got it.
If I were to say to,
Like, okay, in the scenario.
The person in my life.
Person in my life.
Valentine's, do you wanna do anything slash,
what do you wanna do?
Yeah.
And they say, I don't know, what do you wanna do?
Yes, exactly.
I think the move that I would make there is to say,
well, I'm happy to decide, give me a parameters.
Do you want to stay in or do you want to go out?
Right.
Then if it stay in,
then I would just go ahead and arrange a nice evening,
get a Mitchy apology pizza or whatever.
Right.
Good night.
Light some candles or whatever.
Then you just start moving down the dialog tree flow chart of just like branching off into options.
That's right, Nick. That's how humans do it.
We have an internal chart.
Don't want to brag, but don't got these issues with walley and Irma.
What do you guys want to get walley and Irma for?
You want head scratches?
Easy.
And they're far and away.
Yeah.
This sounds like the saddest, loneliest man.
Well, you know what? That said, I think there was a binary here that
Wet Willy was presenting and you just got me to something. Would you cook
something for yourself or take them to a fancy dinner? How about option C, order a pizza?
Because sometimes that can be just exactly what you need.
Yeah. Going out to dinner on Valentine's Day is the worst.
It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.
All these places have these prefixed meals
that are hugely inflated in terms of their prices.
Yeah, you don't want to be doing that.
No, I would advise skipping that and going the next day or so.
I usually go out on Valentine's Eve by myself.
Yeah, table for one please.
Just a table for one.
I got a big banquet of food and I feel great.
I feel like I can't.
Yeah, you tip someone to come play the violin. I think I might do this.
I might go to a fancy restaurant.
Play heart shaped box for me please.
If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email
us at feedback at birdfuck.com or leave us a voicemail at 830 Godot.
That's 830-463-684-44.
Exciting.
We're probably going to edit in birdfuck.com, most likely.
If the urlchanges.com, most likely. If the URL changes.com will change.
Emma seems to have some news.
Check out Clarity on this.
.com is not a possible, they don't let you do that.
Oh, why?
It's a DNS limitation.
We love to build it.
Well, Biden just lost my vote.
That was it.
John Hodgman, always a treat, always a thrill to have you here.
One of our favorites.
Anything you'd like to plug?
You can listen to Judge John Hodgman every Wednesday at MaximumFun.org where I adjudicate
disputes, dumb, weird, strange disputes between real people.
We don't say come a lot, but that does not mean that it's a children's entertainment.
It's a lot of fun.
Here's something you can plug.
Plug your laptop into the wall. Go Amazon comm get vacation land. How's that?
Yeah, or you can go to an independent bookseller
Hmm check out tomorrow on Amazon
Anywhere you get borrow or steal books you read Vacationland or Medallion status and Dicktown.
Our cartoon I made with David Reese is still on Hulu, which I was, I was in, which you
were in the forest.
That was a funny episode and it's still there.
So can I ask you before we go?
Yeah.
What is your, your medallion status right now?
Well, what's yours?
I'll tell you, you wanna say it at the same time?
Oh, you have to check?
I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
I will do it.
I'm opening up, I'm opening up to look.
But you're not sure.
I'm not, because does it change in the new year, right?
Doesn't it?
It's at the end of today, or yesterday would have been the last day of it.
Wow. Okay.
So yeah.
Oh my God, it's changed.
Oh no.
All right.
This is, this is, this is brand new.
You guys are going to countdown and say it at the same time?
Cause I don't, I don't know mine.
I'm sure it's on the same category.
Sure.
I am, I'll say this, let's say three, two, one, and then sell it.
And I'll say this before saying, and I am no longer diamond med the same category. Sure. I'll say this. Say three, two, one, and then sell it. And I'll say this before sale.
And I am no longer Diamond Medallion status.
Wow.
Three, two, one, silver.
I've gone below you.
Only for this year.
You were Diamond last year, right?
And I dropped to silver?
Yeah, you didn't travel enough in 2023.
Embarrassing.
Yeah, we're not touring anymore.
Mm.
Yeah, if only you had a supportive work partner
who would tour with you so that you could keep your
completely bogus airline thank you card.
Silver medallion?
I'm still Hilton Cold Elite. Anyway, that'll do it for this episode of Doe Boys.
Thank you guys. Thanks for being here. Hey, thank you very much.
And I love you. I love you too, buddy. You know what? And I'm
gonna end Love Week. Fuck you. I'll do it for this Love Week
episode of Doe Boys until next time for the Spoon Man,
Michelin, Nick Weicker, Happy Eatin. Yeah. And we go now to
our ad chat, Killian. associate produced by Amelia Marino, engineered by Casey Donahue, and video edited by Mike
Dorfman.
Want to watch this episode?
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, Doe Boys Podcast.
Doe Boys T-shirts, hats, pint glasses, and more are available exclusively from kinshipgoodsviabirdfuck.com.
Get the Doe Boys Double every Tuesday plus the entire pre-headgum back catalog only at
patreon.com slash doughboys.
On the next Doughboys Double Mitch and Wigs, welcome Alex Song Shah for the return of the
Doughscore Doughcision.
It's toast too!
The sequel!
The crew combined five toasty breads with five tasty spreads and pick a chompion, featuring
the loafwork of Doughboys video editor Baker Filmmaker, Mike.
And for all myself identifying Chadds and Stacey's, stay tasty.