Jordan, Jesse, GO! - The Ceramics To Polyamory Pipeline, with River Butcher
Episode Date: January 25, 2024This week we have the remarkable River Butcher back on the pod talking a giant sheet of pogs, baseball stuff, and polyamory. Come see River Butcher at a comedy club near you. Head to FACTOR MEALS an...d use code jjgo50 to get 50% off.Jordan wrote a brand new graphic novel called Youth Group which you can pre-order at The Book House of Stuyvesant Plaza in Albany, NY.
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Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free.
Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you.
It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Morris, sound investment.
Really?
I feel like I have made a big investment in the Bank of Jordan And I've never been disappointed at the returns. Right.
But I think what you're getting back is, you know, hard to quantify, spiritual.
Laughter.
Friendship.
Good vibes.
Sure.
Yeah.
But no, I actually learned recently that I just, you know, by existing can produce cold hard cash.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just, you know, by existing can produce cold, hard cash.
Really?
Yeah.
So not, when you say by existing, you don't mean through like the sweat of your loins is the expression.
Yeah, the sweat of my loins.
When I've been in the car for five hours, I pull over to that rest stop bathroom.
I reach in.
Not through economic productivity, in other words.
Kind of.
Okay.
Let me explain.
Yeah.
You know, recently I've been working in the field of comic books.
Yeah.
Writing comic books for others to draw.
Sure.
It's been wild.
It's been a literal dream come true, something I've always wanted to do.
It's been such a thrill to do. And, you. And when people respond to them, it's amazing. I can't believe it. And the fact that people like some of this stuff, it's, oh my God, right? Everything.
I mean, I think one day you'll be lucky enough to have your own letters column
to respond to people's responses.
Right. Yes.
But for now,
you'll have to.
I would love,
yes.
Yes.
You all out there,
you are all my true believers.
See,
see Jordan,
see Jordan,
Jesse go episode three 16.
But,
but no,
yeah,
it's,
it's,
it's been really cool.
And you know,
like I,
you know,
as a man who values,
you know, like I, you know, as a man who values, you know, creativity and imagination, I, you know, when I bought comics as a kid, when I buy comics now, it's for the stories to lose myself in, you know, an imagined world.
Yeah.
To be transported.
There are modern myths.
Have you been hanging out with that Zack Snyder again? Jordan. Jesse. There are modern myths. Have you been hanging out with that Zack Snyder again?
Jordan.
Jesse.
There are modern myths.
Jesse.
What did I tell you about hanging out with Zack Snyder?
Oh, no.
I'm going gray and orange.
Well, that's what happens.
Okay.
So I don't want you playing with him anymore.
Okay.
But I think in this case, Zack Snyder is right.
Yeah.
The comic books are our modern myths.
But I think in this case, Zack Snyder is right.
Yeah.
The comic books are our modern myths.
But, you know, I think as maybe you know, as a guy who did a lot of like, you know, baseball card collecting as a kid, some people, you know, aren't in the comics for necessarily for the stories, but they're investments.
Right.
Exactly.
Like me and Beanie Babies.
Exactly.
When are you going to finally sell those off?
How long are you going to wait? I'm getting them all slabbed. Getting them slabbed Babies. Exactly. When are you going to finally sell those off? How long are you going to wait?
I'm getting them all slabbed.
Getting them slabbed up, graded.
Yeah, slabbed and graded.
Well, funny you mentioned slabbing and grading.
Uh-huh.
Because I had a notion that I should check out, you know, like- I've heard some good grades about your slab.
B plus.
Okay.
Yeah.
But A for effort they say
I thought I would like
check out
online marketplaces
and see if anybody
had put up
you know
anything I had worked on
to be like resold
oh yeah
see what it was going for
see if any hypebeasts
are excited
to flip it
right
yes
I mean I just
I just want the approval
of hypebeasts so much
what do I have to do?
I'll join Odd Future.
Oh, a rich 23-year-old in Singapore likes you.
Yes.
So, yeah, I went online and I found an issue of an Archie comic that I had a story in.
Yeah.
This is an issue, you know, retails.
We just picked it up at the shop.
$3.99. It's a bargain. Up there an issue, retail, if you just picked it up at the shop, 399.
It's a bargain.
Up there on eBay, 100 bucks.
$100?
100 bucks.
Really?
And this came out last year.
It was slabbed up.
It was graded at 9.8, so this is a-
Well, that's a good grade.
It was in great quality.
That's a really good grade.
I think the grading, yeah.
And then I was like, this is kind of cool, right?
I mean, you know, I don't necessarily think comics are to be, you know,
preserved like that and not enjoyed, but kind of cool, right?
Yeah, somebody could get a digital copy and then slab the original.
Sure, exactly.
Yeah, that's true.
And you can enjoy the story that way and then...
That way you don't mess up the grade on the slab.
Exactly.
And then I, you know, went down a little grade on the slab exactly um and then i you know went down a little
further on the page oh and i saw a similarly graded and slabbed up copy that i had signed
oh wow so when i'm you know when i'm when i'm out there browsing comics i like to do every week
if i see something i worked i'll say hey i'll i'll let me let me sign that for you sure local shop
keep yeah and you you I love a shopkeep.
You travel from town to town.
Sure.
Like David Carradine.
Yes.
Yes, exactly.
Practicing my kung fu and signing comics.
Yeah.
So the non-signed copy going for $100.
Right.
Copy signed by yours truly?
Mm-hmm.
$104.
Wow.
Yeah.
So with a mere swipe of my pen-
Wow.
I created-
$4.
$4.
Holy cow.
I know.
And they say that Republicans are better stewards of the economy.
Yeah.
Listen, just give old Uncle Joe Biden a pen.
Uh-huh.
Let him loose in the comic book store.
Man, imagine how valuable your comic book would be if Robert Reich signed it.
Oh, my gosh.
Former Clinton administration labor secretary and Twitter firebrand.
He also put his hotel room number on here.
All right.
Jordan, if there's anything you want me to sign-
When you sign a comic, do you not put Robert Reich's hotel room on it?
I do.
Everybody wants to fuck that little guy.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Especially at the Marriott.
Yeah.
So, yeah, if there's anything-
You know Robert Reich is pan-poly.
Oh, it's got to be, right?
That little impish motherfucker-
Oh, sure.
With his dashed off Wall Street Journal essays and whatnot.
He'll tell you about how monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy.
Oh, yeah.
It'll fuck your girlfriend.
That's right, he will.
So if there's anything you want me to sign and add $4 to the value of, I will.
Heard some incredible grades about his slab.
He's got a 9.8 on his slab.
Wow.
For a little guy.
So that means none of the pages were bent.
Yeah, exactly.
Has something to do with the staple, too?
The grading has something to do with the staple?
The staple is graded?
Yeah, I think so. Where the staple is staple is graded? Yeah, I think so.
Where the staple is.
It has to be centered?
I think so.
It's something like that.
For the grade?
It's not a world I know a lot about.
But apparently now I'm a star in it, so.
Yeah.
$4.
I'll sign this table.
I haven't slabbed anything since plastics class at the Columbia Park Boys Club.
Oh, yeah?
What'd you slab?
Talking about coins.
You could slab just about any goddamn thing.
There's only two things that went down in plastics class.
Number one is they'd give you a little thing
that was sort of shaped like a bird or something.
Yeah.
You know, about the size of a silver dollar pancake
or a silver dollar.
And it would have contact paper on either side.
It was translucent plastic.
And you'd run the edges on a buffer to buff it.
And then you'd peel it off.
And it would look beautiful.
You'd give it to your mom.
That sounds really nice.
The other thing is you could take stuff and then you got to seal it into plastic.
Sounds really cool.
Yeah, well, you know.
Do that with a stack of silver dollar pancakes.
It's pretty good.
Me and my fellow future Norteños at the Columbia Park Boys Club.
Slabbing around.
Yeah.
It's really cool.
Should we introduce our guest on the program?
I would love to.
I'd love to find out if there is any plastics history, slabbing,
Sure.
or collectibles in this room that we don't yet know about,
our guest is a beloved stand-up comic writer,
former freelance graphic designer,
That's right.
River Butcher.
Hi, Riff.
Yo.
You want those credits to get more exciting as you go.
Yeah. Part-time barista. Hi, Riff. Yo. You want those credits to get more exciting as you go. Yeah.
Part-time barista.
Whoa.
In 2005.
When you finally book Letterman, River.
Yeah.
He's going to come out.
A little knock graphic design off the end there.
Carson's going to come out and say,
I understand he's a freelance graphic designer.
He used to use CorelDRAW.
Writer. Stand-up comic, raked leaves for daddy.
That's right.
Precisely right.
For two bucks.
So slabbing is what again?
Slabbing is, so with certain collectibles, I think it started with sports cards, I think.
Yeah, I don't know the history of slabbing.
I think it started with sports cards, I think. Yeah, I don't know the history of slabbing. I think it started with sports cards.
It is basically like,
it is a way to evaluate,
quote, theoretically, objectively,
the condition that a collectible is in.
Okay.
And in so doing,
the people that are doing the evaluating,
there's these companies that do the evaluating
based on some complicated rubric.
They seal the collectible into a block of plastic so that it can't be tampered with
or damaged.
Okay.
So if you got to-
But it could be taken out though.
It's not stuck in there forever in eternity.
But I wouldn't want, I wouldn't take a band saw to my, you know, 1934 Gaudi Babe Ruth or whatever.
Yeah, of course.
I'm just trying to – because to me, I'm just like once you put it in there, it's kind of fucked up then.
Yeah.
Well, I mean I think there's air.
I mean I don't think it's the same as – so at the Boys and Girls Club, you'd fill the thing halfway with plastic.
Then you'd dry it or whatever.
I'm a materials expert.
Sure.
You'd put the thing down.
I mostly was playing bumper pool.
Let's be honest.
How much time did I really spend in the shop?
I don't have any skills or talents.
Not even bumper pool?
I was going to say, you're playing bumper pool.
I'm pretty bad at bumper pool, too.
You couldn't go down to the old pool hall, pick up the cue and hustle some bucks?
Do a little color of money? Oh yeah, you should do
a color of money. These dudes,
these neighborhood dudes that were serious
about it, who had even
more absent parents than mine,
I would say there's two things. They had not
yet discovered drugs and
gangs. It was the main thing going on
around the neighborhood. Yeah.
Church to some extent, but mostly drugs
and gangs. Everyone's church if not a gang.
Great point. That's a good point.
Wow. That's really...
Three billboards outside of...
I didn't steal that, but it's
pretty true. So I think
if you're 11,
you live near
16th and Mission in San Francisco.
It's 1992. You live near 16th and Mission in San Francisco. It's 1992.
Mm-hmm.
You haven't yet found drugs and gangs.
You're not great at sports.
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's presume those things.
If your parents are even more absent than my parents, you spend a lot of time at the
Columbia Park Boys and Girls Club.
And you're more butch than me.
Yep.
And you're more cutthroat than me.
Yeah.
And you get real good at bumper pool.
That's right.
And 11 is a beautiful window right before one falls into nefariousness.
It just is a moment.
I went to a birthday party.
Well, first of all, there was plenty of nefariousness going on.
It was just bumper pool related.
There's a moment at 11 where you're not fully into it.
Do you remember yourself at 11?
What were the 11 activities?
I mean, the 11 activities is probably-
Stealing hubcaps.
Yeah.
The 11sies, as they call it in English.
Slabbing various cards, pieces of cardboard.
I mean, I played a lot of Sega Genesis.
I played a lot of basketball.
Okay.
Rollerblading, I think, was coming on the scene for me.
I definitely had a peaking interest in skateboarding,
but I was also getting, I was like smoking and drinking at 11.
So that's what was going on for me.
Hey, if you smoke a little weed, play a little echo, the dolphin.
That's right.
That's a, that's a fun afternoon.
Yeah.
I went to a birthday party just two days ago for my daughter.
Gracie's like best pal from preschool.
His name's Ellis.
Spectacular kid.
Cool.
Great, great kid.
And, uh, Ellis, it was his 13th birthday party.
Oh, wow.
Okay. It was a small birthday
party. Ellis and a few other friends had gone sledding or something like that. They'd like
driven to a ski place and gone sledding and then come back. And my daughter and I joined afterwards
for pizza and cake. And even with just like four 12 and 13 year old boys in the room,
the vibes were so intense.
Like I just,
it was my first experience with that intensity of vibes.
Like other than like when some kind of sports team is on your airplane,
like a children's sports team is on your airplane. Sure.
Like a children's sports team is on your airplane.
Oh, I thought you meant like when Carlos Baerga was on my flight.
Wait, hold on.
Whoa.
Mic down.
Mic down.
Mic down.
Was Jim Tomei there?
Unfortunately, no.
No Omar Vizquel.
No Roberto Alomar.
Nor Sandy Alomar. Okay, then I'm out.
I take it back.
It was just Carlos Baerga. If you didn Alomar. Okay, then I'm out. I take it back. It was just Carlos Baer.
If you didn't meet Charles Nagy, then I'm out.
What were they watching on their screen back TV?
They weren't watching anything.
He was texting the whole time.
They were coming from like the old timers game.
Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, but the teenage-iness, but not teenage-iness, like just sub-teenage-iness.
Like they're all completely children, but their voices are all changing.
Right.
And they say shit sometimes.
They say shit sometimes, but they're still just playing Mario Kart.
Yeah, right.
But like one of them will get weirdly intense and you're worried there's going to be violence?
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
There's no hard evidence.
Have you ever been hit by that blue shell
when you're about to win?
Yeah.
Come on, man.
It's fucked up.
It was an intense fight,
but at the same time,
you know,
it was a contest
that could be won
by me going to Little Tokyo
and bringing back an Ultraman
who's a monster from Ultraman, not an Ultraman.
One of Ultraman's enemies.
Yeah, my wife described him as an Ultraman and my daughter got really mad at her for this.
Well, like maybe you can relate to this, River, when your mom would call your Sega Genesis a Nintendo.
That's right.
Yeah, that's weird.
Yeah.
Come on, mom.
Fucking mom. It's not a fucking. It's at least a, that's weird. Yeah. Come on, mom. Fucking mom.
It's not a fucking...
It's at least a Super Nintendo
if you're going to make the mistake.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Your mom would call
Charles Nagy Jim Poole.
Left-handed reliever Jim Poole.
Okay.
If you're out there,
get your mom a subscription
to GamePro.
That's right.
So she doesn't make that mistake.
So this Ultraman?
This Ultraman.
Ultraman, one of Ultraman's enemies.
I think he's an enemy.
He's definitely a monster.
Ultraman doesn't have any friends, Jesse.
I can't imagine being, could you imagine being friends with Ultraman?
No.
What a fucking drag that would be.
Just talks about himself the whole time.
Never asks you about you.
You're like, is he rubbing his silver nipples?
Right.
What is he doing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's constantly asking you to touch up the paint on his back.
He can't quite reach the smear.
Always going to Mako with that guy.
But I just, I went to Little Tokyo.
I got this Ultraman that is, I thought it was an Ultraman with a clam for a head.
Okay.
He's got like a scaly body.
This is just, I'm looking at you, River. I know you know about this. He's got a scaly body and a clam for a head. Okay. He's got like a scaly body. This is just, I'm looking at you, River.
I know you know about this.
He's got a scaly body
and a clamp for a head.
Turns out,
so I take it to the man
that owns the Monster Store.
It's called Monster Store
something or other.
Dot com.
Yeah.
Very nice,
a very nice man
with, you know,
shoulder length,
straight black hair
and an intense stare
behind heavy eyeglasses.
This guy slaps some stuff up in his day.
Oh, he's a real slabber.
He's a real slabber.
This guy's steady slabbing.
Slab of the basement, you know what I mean?
He's a real slab of the hut.
I said to him, well, I said to the guy, this kid likes, I'm buying a gift for a kid I know,
and he likes Ultraman.
Do you have any $25 Ultramans?
I'm not trying to spend. If you're buying a gift for a kid, I know, and he likes Ultraman, do you have any $25 Ultramans?
Like, I'm not trying to spend.
Because there was, I went into this store thinking it was going to be an affordable store, but it turns out to be a slab store. These are collectibles for, yeah, sure.
Some of these Ultramans are.
I have one more slab riff.
Okay.
Please, CC Slobathia.
Thank you.
Sorry, I just didn't get it.
It's a baseball guy.
It's a baseball guy.
It's great.
Our friend Jill from college went to high school with him.
With CeCe Sabathia?
With CeCe Sabathia.
Slub-Lathia.
In Vallejo, California.
That's great.
Former Cleveland pitcher, CeCe Sabathia.
I said to the man-
Someone slapped up one of his cards.
That'd be quite a day.
I said to the man, what's a $25 altar man?
And he's like, well, probably one of these guys here. And I said, oh, I like be quite a day. I said to the man, what's a $25 Ultraman? And he's like,
well, probably one of these guys here. And I said,
oh, I like that clam head one.
And he said, believe it or not, that's a coin purse. What for a head?
This monster has a coin purse
for a head. Well, fucking Ultraman
is the greatest thing ever, apparently.
So wait, does the character
have a coin purse for a head, or is
it a coin purse that is a figure?
Great question.
Do you know what I mean?
No.
Okay.
So you would think that the figure, you would think that it would be a coin purse with an Ultraman enemy theme.
Yeah, yeah.
Where coincidentally the head would be, the clam head would make a perfect coin purse.
So they merchandised it into a coin purse.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
No.
I think in Ultraman.
Hey, Siri, Google coin purse head Ultraman monster.
This is a dangerous Siri search.
I feel like, you know.
No, this is going to be great.
Yeah.
Coin purse head. It is going to be great.
Coin purse head.
It's kind of dangerous territory.
Talking about, right here talking about Canagon.
Okay.
Check out Canagon.
Whoa, cool.
That's okay.
Yeah.
I would have thought clam head too, Jesse.
I know, because it's got little clam eyeballs, but then there's little zippers at the corner
of its mouth.
I think.
Yeah.
Canagon,
coin monster.
Okay, how about that? Can I just say,
I really appreciate you asking Siri that and not me. Yeah, well,
I've had mixed results
after. Sometimes I don't pay attention,
so I wouldn't have gotten it. Matt's playing
ski-free over there.
Watch out for that fucking Yeti!
Yeah, that Yeti comes after me, but he always gets me.
Okay.
So I was able, the point of the story is here that they were still at the point, while they
had reached the point where violence was always in the offing, just around the corner, just
beyond the horizon, always hinting and wafting through the air.
I was able to win the birthday party just by delivering a coin purse head monster.
So they were still children.
Still 12.
Yeah.
Although-
Still babies.
I think coin purse head monster is one of those things.
I think there are some things that they ramp up as you go through childhood.
Then they hit a depression as you go through teenagerdom.
And then as you grow older and older, I'm 42 and I am now realizing that what I should have focused my energy on always was coin purses.
Maybe Ultraman's gallery of enemies or friends.
I don't know.
Right now, I could be hanging out with Elliot Kalin.
He could be listing Godzilla's friends.
Right.
I could be listing Ultraman's enemies.
We could be having a great time.
What is a friendship but a guy to list things at?
River, when you were a kid, were you a collector kid?
Did you have stuff
did you yeah I mean I had stuff
I wouldn't say I wouldn't
classify myself as a collector kid
because I feel like that is a total vibe
you know it is
but I like things a lot
I did have a couple like
sheets of pogs
like uncut sheets
yeah I had
Wow Simpsons and then one of remember
when they did all those new Superman's
like Man of Tomorrow and the teenager
one sure Superboy Superboy yeah yeah I
had that and then a Simpsons one cool
wait like hanging on those steel yeah
played by Shaq in the movie I was about
to say I thought that was a Shaq.
Yeah, but that was a...
Wait, Shaq played a Superman?
Steel was a Superman?
Yeah, so when Superman died...
And when he died, yeah.
It was in 1992, 1993 or something.
You know, that's a big...
That's a big slab-up comic, the death of Superman.
That was a big time for Shaq.
Yes, yeah.
So, yeah.
So, Superman was dead for like a little bit.
It was a comic book death.
He eventually came back to life.
But in the time when he was dead, and River, correct me on any of this.
I don't know.
There was all these like replacement.
River, if you have any pog stuff to add.
Yeah.
Right.
Let me throw my slammer down here.
Who did the art on the. Yeah, Let me throw my slammer down here real quick. Who did the art on the...
Yeah, just hurl the slammer down.
Bang.
That's when we know you'll want to speak.
That's right.
I have a steel slammer, but it's made of cardboard.
Oh, boy.
I have a titanium one, but it has the body glove logo on it.
So in the interim, they had all these new supermen come up to try and kind of replace.
That's right.
Replace.
None of them women.
Yes.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, we wouldn't do that.
That would have been a bridge too far.
That would be Supergirl.
Yeah, exactly.
So it was Shaq.
So yes, Shaq was one of them.
Carlos Baerga.
Steel was a metal superman who had like a hammer.
Yeah.
And then there was Superboy who was like an angsty teen who had like a leather jacket.
Like a standard.
And some glasses, I think.
Did he have a standard hammer?
Like a clawfoot hammer?
Like a sledgehammer.
Oh, like a sledgehammer.
I think his name was John Henry.
Oh, okay. Yeah, I do think literally that's what it was. What a great job they did with all that. It was like a sledgehammer i think his like name was john henry oh okay yeah i do think
literally that's what it was what a great job they did with all that man yep it's a real steamer
comics in the 90s yes but i collected baseball cards for a while i don't know where they went
i had a couple good ones um i have a signed carlos byerga card i don't know where it went though
which is really just personally fun for me Clevelander in 1993 or whatever.
Yeah, that's right.
Can I backtrack to a little part
of your story you told earlier?
You mentioned at 11
you were drinking and doing drugs.
No, well, here's a quick correction.
I said smoking.
I was smoking cigarettes.
Where does an 11-year-old get cigarettes?
Anywhere they can.
Okay.
Well, I mean, it was a combo of having friends whose parents smoked.
Okay.
So being able to lift them from there.
And then I would just pick up cigarettes and smoke them off the ground.
Wow.
It's pretty gross.
Now, where did you get your combos?
Pretty gross.
Get my what?
Combos? You mean like my pizza roll combos? Pretty gross. Get my what? Combos.
You mean like my pizza roll combos?
Usually out of a vending machine.
I would now see, I would pick those up off the ground.
Right.
Wow.
I got them from a guy in the alley.
Yeah.
I had some friends whose parents ate pepperoni.
Uh-huh.
But sure.
Yeah.
I like never smoked or only a couple of times did I drink in high school.
And I think, you know, at the time I would have, like, told you that I, like, wasn't doing it on principle, right?
Sure, yeah.
Like, I think I was, you know, a little religious and, like, a lot cowardly.
Uh-huh.
A great combo.
Great combo.
Much like pepperoni and cheese in a convenient roll.
That's right.
But I think also no one ever offered it to me.
I think I never, like, I was never peer pressured.
Like, I was never offered a cigarette anyway.
I mean, that's, now I'm like, great.
That's fantastic.
Yeah.
I was just like, I really love to stand by me.
I, like, just couldn't wait to do it.
Yeah.
You wanted to find a body.
It's like nobody ever offered it.
I was like, I was on a mission.
Wow.
You know, like once I-
Yeah, I need a railroad bridge.
That's right.
I need some cigarettes.
I need some Chuck Taylors and a white t-shirt.
Jerry O'Connell should be there.
I need a comb.
Yeah.
I saw Jerry O'Connell is hosting a syndicated game show.
There are.
Isn't it Pictionary?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cool.
It's just wall-to-wall syndicated game shows now
really well there's like Rob Lowe's hosting one there's like primetime game Rob Lowe is hosting
Rob Lowe this is really Rob Lowe I presume I've never heard anything bad about Jerry O'Connell
I presume he's not a sex criminal of any kind yeah um but is, leaving aside the question of sex criminality, a sort of a type,
Rob Lowe and Jerry O'Connell, right? Don't they have a sort of handsome for a funny guy?
I mean, Jerry O'Connell's maybe a little on the handsome for a funny guy side, Rob Lowe a little
bit on the funny for a handsome guy side. Yes. But like a similar kind
of like faded glory
but not
they both look
good, you know what I mean?
But I feel like the difference is like Jerry
O'Connell was never like a heartthrob
in his early stuff.
Right, that's true. You know?
He sort of grew up to be handsome.
Where everybody's like, wait, what?
I think regardless of your trajectory, I think a big part of syndicated TV is that-
My trajectory is downward, if it helps.
I think you have to, or it really helps to make moms horny.
Oh, for sure, yeah.
Right, that's exactly what it is.
I think that's still who's watching.
So you think the flat circle of their Venn diagram is that both Jerry O'Connell and Rob Lowe make moms horny.
I do think that.
Of course, Louis Anderson.
Yeah.
The late Louis Anderson.
I just love that guy's laugh.
Yeah.
It was a great laugh.
Let's take a quick break.
We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.
It's Jordan, Jesse, go.
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Morris, boy, detective.
Max Fun Drive is around the corner.
I can see it.
I can see it a couple months away.
If you're not a member of Maximum Fund, you can always become one at MaximumFund.org.
It is the members of Maximum Fund who keep this train rolling.
We're very grateful for everyone.
Or, you know, get ready for that Max Fund Drive and, you know, strike while that iron is hot.
Oh, yeah.
Is that a good expression?
Oh, I love it.
It's available. It's available.
It's available to you.
You know, I was just watching Naked Gun 2 1⁄2 with my daughter.
Oh, cool.
Remember that part where he's, like, sneaking into the bad guy's lair,
and he does it by, like, wearing a scuba suit and swimming around,
and then he accidentally swims past a sewage pipe?
Ah, yes. And then one of the bad guys says, like, when he ends up in the middle with all the bad guys, the bad guy says.
Oh, and then also his code to bring the police in is I love it.
I love it.
Yeah.
And then when the bad guy smells something weird, he goes.
I've been swimming in raw sewage.
I love it.
Yep.
That was fun.
That is fun.
That was fun. We used fun. That was fun.
We used to say that to each other in college.
Why did we start talking about that?
Because you said, I love it.
I did.
Yes.
That is a fun link.
Yeah.
Okay.
I love it.
Great delivery.
Leslie Nielsen.
Very funny.
Yeah.
And then they're patting him down and he's saying, I love it.
Mm-hmm.
We're also supported this week by the good folks over at Factor.
Nice to have Factor back.
Oh, yeah.
Love Factor.
Love those Factor meals.
Here's what they are.
They are ready-to-eat meals delivered to you.
It takes the stress out of meal planning and sets you up for success in the new year.
Yeah.
There are times when you want food
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There are times when you want something
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You don't have to go on an app
and have someone bring it to you
and pay them $20 to do it.
You don't want to have to cook yourself a whole thing.
You don't want to have to go out to a restaurant.
You just want something that's available to you, but you want it to be actual food.
Yes.
That's where Factor comes in.
Factor meals.
They're really tasty.
They are quick to prepare.
Tasty proteins, actual vegetables.
You can do them in the microwave.
You can do them in the oven.
And, hey, if you've got a special occasion coming up, they have Gourmet Plus. It's the
perfect solution if you're looking for fast upscale options done easily. You even have snacks
and breakfast stuff now. There's smoothies, juice, all kinds of stuff from Factor. I really,
every time I eat one of those Factor meals, I've described this main use case for me for a factor, which is it's 1130 AM or 1145 AM. I remember that I have a bullseye interview at 1230,
but I have to eat lunch before then, or I'm going to get too hungry while I'm trying to do the
interview. But I only have like 20 minutes for the whole 15 minutes for my whole lunch eating thing.
And I open up the refrigerator door and I'm like, oh my God, I'm just going to have to eat like a handful of cheese. And there's a Factor meal waiting for me. I get to eat a real
meal of actual food and then I feel great when I'm working. Head to factormeals.com slash JJGO50
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If you have a message, by the way, that you would like to share with the Jordan Jesse Go listening audience, and you're a Jordan Jesse Go listener, it's easy to do it.
Just go to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron.
Wish somebody happy birthday.
Wish somebody a sad birthday.
Yeah, I hope you have a miserable birthday, shithead.
But then things turn upwards afterwards.
Right, and then you realize that every day can be a birthday.
Yeah.
When you're crazy.
Maximumfun.org slash jumbotron.
Every day can be a birthday when you're crazy.
Yes, exactly.
We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go.
It's Jordan, Jesse go.
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Morris, boy detective.
River Butcher, three-time world champion. River, your relaxation pose, this is not a video program, is growing ever more Baroque.
Yeah.
Well, first of all, I've got, look, hey, I'm 41.
Jesse, you're talking about being 42.
I'm 41.
I've got hip flexor problems.
But I'm also, there's a camera right behind my head, so I'm trying to avoid it.
It's quite fun.
I do feel like a Keith Haring drawing.
You know, just like a little barking dog.
Right.
I mean, on the plus side, you're inspiring generations of college students to be aware of the HIV crisis.
It was a thing.
It used to be a thing.
Yeah.
Now it's not anymore.
Quick, somebody put River on a trapper keeper.
That's right.
Draw me on the subway.
River, I've always said that you were the stand-up comedian most likely to be sold at the MoMA store.
Yeah, that should be my nickname.
Oh, my nice print.
Yeah.
Slab me.
Well, when something momentous happens to you, like you die in a boating accident, like
the late Jim Poole, may he rest in peace, we ask you to give us a call, 206-984-4FUN.
Ideally from the afterlife.
We haven't gotten any calls from the afterlife lately.
There's a couple different.
We haven't gotten any calls for long-running segments on the show lately, different we haven't gotten any calls with long for long running
segments on the show
right
lately
and we haven't
gotten any
calls from
ghosts or ghouls
sure yeah
or angels
or
we've gotten a few
from little devils
sure
well this is because
we have a lot of
little stinkers
in our audience
and when little stinkers
died
they turned into
little devils
yeah
why are why are our audience called tuppies and not little stinkers die, they turn into little devils. Yeah. Why are
our audience called tuppies and not little
stinkers? Yeah. Maybe
we should change it. All you little stinkers
out there. All you little stinkers
out there, if in your life,
you dingus. Okay.
Careful not to die, little stinker, or you'll
go to hell.
With all the other stinkers.
Boop, boop, boop.
206-9844-FUN.
JJ, go at MaximumFun.org for your voice memos.
Here is a person who has called us.
It is this person.
Ready, set, go.
Hi, Jordan.
Hi, Jesse.
Hi, Gus.
Hi, we're a married couple calling from an undisclosed location in California.
So we have been involved in the Swinger lifestyle for about three months now.
And we are calling with a moment of occasion because tonight for the first time.
We just banged another couple and it was amazing.
Love the show.
Great.
Bye.
Bye.
That's great. Bye bye. Good for you guys. Great. Bye. Bye. That's great. Bye-bye.
Good for you guys.
Congratulations.
Toodles.
Ta-ta for now.
Wow.
Yeah, I mean, at some point we kind of like...
We ran out of sex stuff, we thought, and we just sort of thought we were a little over it.
Right.
And now, yeah, I don't know.
Should 2024 be the year of sex calls? I feel like at the point... Will it get to be too yeah, I don't know. Should 2024 be the year of sex calls?
I feel like at the point...
Will it get to be too much? I don't know.
There's a lot of polyamory in the New York
Times lately. Sure. Maybe we should
tack the other direction. Yeah.
Maybe we should do like a focus on the family
thing. Oh my God. Only the most
wholesome calls.
Call if you've just accepted
Christ.
Call if you're Mormon.
What's up, Jordan, Jesse, and I'm going to say, Nick Adams, I just welcomed Jesus into my heart.
Get him, get him, get him.
What a little devil.
What a little devil.
He gave his eye for us, you dingus.
We are the dinguses.
Remember, that's part of our slogan.
Yeah, no, I'm picking up.
Picking up.
Yeah.
Picking up where you're going.
Contest clues.
Giving my eye for you dingus.
Yeah, I like it.
Giving my eye for you dingus.
So maybe should we say that we only want extremes, so only extremely horny or extremely wholesome?
Can I just say, though, I understand where you're going.
Right now what I want is more of what we just had, which is extremely horny and extremely wholesome.
Yeah, no, you're right.
I want loving married couples to call in with horny things.
They did it.
They sure did.
They succeeded.
They hit a home run.
So should we only welcome calls
that are about a topic
that people are writing too much about
in the New York Times?
Like, for instance,
mocktails.
Should we just have people
calling about mocktails all the time?
Yeah.
Or Barbenheimer?
I read this.
Okay.
I read this.
A woman in Brooklyn,
needless to say, wrote a memoir about her ethical polyamory.
And the thing that's – I read this thing. It was about what you'd expect. Sometimes it's challenging, but sometimes it's exciting.
Sometimes it's exciting sometimes it's great uh and uh the part that really stood
out to me was there was another person who had written a book about ethical polyamory
not a memoir and she said and the question was why don't you hear more moms talk about this
you know why aren't there more books by moms about ethical polyamory?
Which,
the Venn diagrams
are getting,
you know,
the spot's getting smaller.
And this woman said something
that I thought
was really insightful,
this other woman
who had written.
She said,
well,
I think just,
um,
if you're polyamorous
and you're a mom,
you're probably too busy
to write a book.
Yeah.
I was like, you know what?
Because I like the amount of work that it seems to me like it would be.
Right.
Even in Park Slope.
Look, even in Park Slope.
Yeah, yeah.
Where you're running into people all the time.
You got everybody that you work with down at the Park Sloat Food Co-op. Sure.
You see the little enamel pineapple pin on their jacket. You get it.
You're going to see they might be giants
at the Bell House, whatever it is.
Right? That's right.
All these things that you're doing. You got your
tickets to an on the media live show.
Brooke Gladstone's
live grilling of someone.
Like, even in that context, even without children, the idea of engaging in polyamory and taking
on another project, any other project seems too much.
Like if the polyamory isn't your job, if the polyamory is the career and somehow, and then the other project is your hobby, right?
Well, that would be the sweat of your loins.
Oh, yes.
Yes, very much.
Thank you very much.
That seems like a ton of work.
You know what I mean?
It just seems like a ton of work.
Unless it's like baked into your life.
Like if you're Alan Cumming. Sure sure but then you're not a mom exactly also i would add to know that
about alan well we should check his wikipedia yeah i don't totally know that but also would say if
you're a mom and you're you're rocking some ethical uh non-monamy, then you probably also don't have time to read a book.
Right.
That's a really good point.
You choose one.
You can listen to it.
I can have one.
It's pottery class.
Yeah.
Or polyamory.
It's Pilates or polyamory.
Or I can finally sit down and write that book.
I could see a polyamorous pottery class.
Oh, yeah.
Sure.
That would, yeah.
Like a horny ghost.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah.
But also just like-
Tony Goldwyn comes by.
It's great.
As you know, Jordan, because you've been to my house, until very recently when it was replaced by a video store, on the corner by my house, there was a pottery studio.
And I've seen these ladies that go to this pottery studio.
These kind of-
Now, River, you're wearing Birkenstock Bostons.
Yeah, that's right.
And I own a pair myself.
I'm not trying to paint with too broad a brush.
Yeah, don't.
But these Birkenstock Boston wearing 34-year-old women that go to the pottery studio to work
on their pottery, these are the women that are writing the memoirs about the polyamory at the
Pork Park Slope Food Co-op as well.
So I can see that being a community where you think it's a pottery studio and
they are making pottery,
but actually they're meeting each other and banging each other's spouses.
Sure.
And then they give you a little pre-made ashtray to take home with you.
So you can like, oh, I went to pottery spouses. Sure. And then they give you a little pre-made ashtray to take home with you so you can like,
oh, I went to pottery class.
Yeah.
I made this for my husband
and this for my boyfriend.
Mm-hmm.
It's that kind of thing.
Beautiful pottery class.
Yeah, the ceramics
to polyamory pipeline.
That's...
You can actually make
the pipeline
in the pottery class.
Yeah.
That kept coming up at the Republican debates.
Pipelines?
Or polyamory pipelines?
Ceramics to polyamory.
Yes, yeah.
Pipeline.
We've got to shut this down.
Yeah, they had gotten-
The only regulation they're into.
They had gotten rid of ceramics in public schools in Florida for that reason.
That's right.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay. Okay.
I don't know.
Do we need more sex calls?
Let's see what it gets us.
Okay.
Let's see what it gets us.
We have, this is our show.
We have the ability to shut it down.
Speak for yourself.
I feel like you guys will get a bunch more of calls like that.
Like, hey, we were trying to do this thing.
And guess what?
We did it.
Bye bye.
What I like about this is these people understood the vibe of the show.
They weren't being weird and braggy.
They were being pleasant and braggy.
They did it together shortly afterwards, which we love people to do it in the immediate aftermath of their momentous occasion.
Of course.
So it gets a live, fresh feeling.
I could hear their rosy cheeks over the phone.
They were so into it. I could hear their genitals
dripping. Sure.
Oh, boy.
And like... They put a towel down.
Jesus. They brought the kind
of positive attitude that we
like to get. Sure.
I don't want anyone
to call in with like a
yeah vibe. Right? We don't want that. Right. with like a, yeah, vibe.
Right?
We don't want that.
Right.
That could happen.
That's for selling Doritos.
That's right.
That's not for-
Well, I mean, if you set a new Doritos sales record, you should call in.
Right.
You should be pretty stoked about that.
Because you get a titanium body glove slammer if you do that.
Yeah.
You get those points.
Oh, man.
What a slammer.
What a fucking slammer. All I got,
you know what? Finished second.
I ended up with a copper bugle
boy slammer. Oh boy.
The best I could do. It's better than a bronze
cold water canine.
JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. How about
this? Yeah.
I would like to hear more couples calls.
Yeah. Okay. That's good more couples calls. Yeah. Okay.
That's good.
I like that.
Not just polyamorous couples, but just couples, period.
Not even just romantic couples.
Yeah, yeah.
If you and your BFF want to call it in together because something cool happened when the both of you were together.
That's right.
You met Shaq from Steel.
Yeah.
If you have a boss you go out to lunch with sometimes.
So Steel was a Superman?
Gosh, I don't exactly...
So he had like the Superman logo and a cape.
Because Shaq loves Superman.
I know that.
How come all he doesn't ever talk about is how he was a real Superman in the movies?
I have not seen that movie.
I think it was like a famous bomb.
So I think maybe he's trying to distance himself.
It's not like his other more successful films?
Right, yeah.
His successful Sega Genesis game, Shaq Fu.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, but I don't know.
That's a good question.
Can I say there's a basketball player here in Los Angeles named Austin Reeves,
plays for the Los Angeles Clippers.
And I know that we spend far too much of our time on this program discussing
lawyer billboards in Southern California,
but there is,
I feel like Veronica's insurance yet where,
where she's in a movie with a dog wearing sunglasses.
She also accidentally made like a trans flag one once where like the background
colors were pink, white, and
blue and I was like, you did not do that
on purpose. It was pretty funny.
I don't know.
Let's get Veronica on the horn.
She's pretty progressive.
See how her insurance for people with
three DUIs business
feels bad.
Hey, trans people get DUIs too.
That's a really good point.
Yes, thank you.
We're just normal people like everybody else.
Anyway, we've talked a lot about Sweet James,
the billboard lawyer with the Sex Dungeon.
The Sex Dungeon, yes.
Whose wife got him a vagina stack for his birthday.
He does his commercials down in front of a wall of guitars.
I don't know if that's also in this extension.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
But there is a series of lawyer commercials that feature Austin Reeves.
And Austin Reeves is a star basketball player, but not a top tier star.
That's a fair characterization. I don't know if you do follow
you follow basketball okay i i think it's fair to say austin reeves okay glad we're austin reeves is
a like he's not at a top los angeles star like i the clippers are far second to the lakers in
los angeles and uh even when the lakers are bad and the Clippers are good,
and Austin Reeves is a very good player,
but, like, I don't think he's, like, a guy that, like, kids wear.
I've never seen someone wearing an Austin Reeves jersey, for example.
But it's just those kind of genericized pictures.
You know how an athlete in an advertisement
will be wearing their team colors,
but then it'll just say, like, basketball in the front.
Yeah.
So it's him, and he's like a big white guy.
He must be tall, I think he's a forward or a center or something.
He's a big white guy, sort of, he's not unhandsome, but in a sort of sad lighting sort of way in the pictures.
And it's just him just sort of standing there doing a basketball thing.
It's clearly a completely generic basketball picture.
And then it says Austin Reeves underneath it.
And then next to it in giant letters it says Lemondaddy.com.
Oh, Lemondaddy, yeah.
What the fuck is that?
Is it cars?
So Lemondaddy is a lawyer.
I have not seen the ones with the basketball guy.
I have only seen the ones with Lemondaddy.
Lemondaddy himself appears in the ad.
The daddy of lemons.
I think so, although maybe this was the basketball.
Was Lemondaddy wearing a jersey that was red, white, and blue, but didn't say Clippers?
It said hoops?
The one I saw, he was wearing tennis stuff.
Okay.
And like short tennis shorts.
I would love it.
If they made Austin Reeves dress up in tennis stuff for these Lemon Daddy ads.
That would be great.
Yeah.
So I think if you get a car that's a lemon.
You call the Lemon Daddy?
You call the Lemon Daddy. You call the Lemon Daddy.
You go to lemondaddy.com.
He's got the zest for you.
He's got the rights.
What do you think is the negotiation?
What do you think you've got to pay to get Austin Reeves on your Lemon Daddy billboard?
50 bucks.
Yeah.
Help him get the money back on the defective Hyundai that he bought.
He had a fucking problem with his Hyundai, too.
He had a problem with his Hyundai.
I'm worried there might be a battery drain problem with my Hyundai.
Oh, no.
I know.
Well, who are you calling?
Austin Reeves of the Los Angeles Clips.
There you go.
Lemon Daddy.
He plays hoops.
Yes.
He won't make you jump through him.
He's the Lemon Daddy.
What about, do you think we could get a guy in the G League to appear on billboards
for Jordan Jessica?
Oh, maybe.
Right. Should we put our ad money, you know, that ad money that we're always spending?
That you're calling in?
For local billboards featuring, you know.
Yeah. Or like a-
Lower tier sports stars? What about somebody that is in the starting lineup on the Los Angeles Sparks,
but is the fourth or fifth best Los Angeles Spark?
You know what I mean?
I don't think we can afford the fourth or fifth best Laker.
But I think if it's not, you know, Lisa Leslie or like legendary WNBA players.
She's definitely not in the starting lineup anymore.
No, she's like 50 years old.
I've been to three Sparks games lately.
I can't remember any of their names right now.
But the fifth best or somebody that's on a two-way contract
where they're bouncing back and forth between the G League and the NBA.
Somebody like that.
I don't know.
What do you think?
Do you think if we came with $2,500?
Maybe.
Do you think we could get an old BMX guy with bad knees?
Oh, yeah.
You've got connects with old BMX guys with bad knees.
Sure.
I know a ton of them.
You know what?
How about this?
Yeah.
You've met Tony Hawk a few times. You've met Tony Hawk a few times.
I have met Tony Hawk a few times.
How was that?
Next time you run into him at-
It was really fun.
Great guy.
Cool.
Tony Hawk's real nice.
Next time you run into him at Starbucks or whatever and he says hi to you, here's what
I want you to do.
Tell him, you might not know this, Tony, because you remember me from Fuel TV, the Action Sports
Television Network.
Right.
But I host a comedy podcast called jordan jesse go and we were wondering we have 2500 right we were wondering
if you have any friends who are really broke yeah he probably does yeah do you have like a guy that
comes over and you like throw him some cash to mow your lawn or something. And does he have bad knees? The guy you used to skate pools with back in the day.
That's right.
You know what I just realized?
I got a fucking great idea.
I happen to know a former professional skateboarder.
Okay.
Yeah.
River Butcher.
That's right.
That is me.
How are your knees?
I thought maybe it was coming.
How are your knees?
Honestly, you know what?
They were pretty bad for a little while there.
I got to share with you guys.
I started doing, look, I've been working out.
It's been a whole thing.
So we can talk about that in a second.
Great.
But I started doing Nordic curls and it's completely changed my life.
What's a Nordic curl?
So Nordic curls are-
That's like Pippi Longstocking.
After she takes her braids out.
They're pretty intense.
I do them on a machine, as a a stationary machine at my gym
so it doesn't i do all the work it just holds me in place but there's a thing i use a stationary
machine over there at staples yeah that's right uh there's a thing on instagram that you can buy
that like goes under the door and essentially you're like you have to have your heels held down
you're you're on your knees and then you're lowering you're plank, you have to have your heels held down.
You're on your knees and then you're planking the top of your body.
Okay.
And you're lowering yourself down by your hamstrings essentially.
Like lowering down and then pulling yourself back up.
I do it on a machine that keeps me up off the ground.
I can't tell if I visually described it or not. Okay,
so you're being held up in the air by a machine.
Yeah,
like you put your, your heels are underneath the door jam.
It's kind of a,
two different things.
You're kind of playing light as a feather,
stiff as a board with yourself.
Yes,
pretty much.
And,
and the,
the,
the,
the access point is your knees.
It's not like your hips.
So you're straight as,
as straight as you can be from your knees all the way to your head so you're straight as as straight as you can be from
your knees all the way to your head so then you're lowering down and you you're essentially using like
your the back of your knees your hamstrings and there's muscles back there that because that's
what was actually causing my knee pain was not like an injury or anything structural it was a
lack of strength in my because hamstrings are very hard to strengthen. Oh. You know.
Don't tell my physical therapist
about this exercise.
He probably already knows about it.
It's like a fucking nightmare.
It only took me, I would say like a
month because I started
you use it with, or I used
assistance. I had a PVC pipe
that I was like, because I couldn't do it.
I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it.
Right.
And then it only took about three weeks.
Why does all exercise now involve PVC pipes and lacrosse balls?
What is going on?
Because physical therapy has made its way into exercise.
And so that's like- What would you say are your top muscle groups?
Like what's my strongest?
Personally, yeah. Personally? Interpret that however you want. Well, I mean, Like what's my strongest? Personally, yeah.
Personally?
Interpret that however you want.
Well, I mean, my shoulders are pretty banging these days.
Yeah? Cool.
And I don't skip leg day.
Good.
So pretty strong glutes.
I'm very stoked on my glute progress.
Stoked on your glutes?
Stoked on my glute progress.
Because I feel like I came in with nothing,
and now I'm like, oh, I'm pretty strong, actually.
When you came in here, I was like, Rivers is a fucking J-Lo of stand-up comedy.
His glutes are out of control.
I'm the Gigli of stand-up comedy.
Squats are popping with River Butcher.
Okay, let's take a break.
We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. a second on jordan jessica from the twisted minds that brought you the adventure zone balance and
amnesty and graduation and ethersea and steeplechase and ultra space and all the other ones
the mack roy brothers and dad are proud to reveal a bold vision for the future of actual play podcasting.
It's, um, it's called The Adventure Zone vs. Dracula.
Yeah, we're gonna kill Dracula's ass.
Well, we're gonna attempt, we haven't recorded all of it yet.
We will attempt to kill Dracula's ass.
The Adventure Zone vs. Dracula.
Yes, a season I will be running using the D&D 5th edition rules set
and there's two episodes out for you to listen to
right now. We hope you will join us
same bat time, same bat channel
for more fun. I see what you did there.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
People say not to judge a fish
by its ability to climb a tree.
Which is why here on Just the Zoo of Us, we judge them by so much more.
We rate animals out of 10 in the categories of effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics,
taking into consideration each animal's true strengths.
Like a pigeon's ability to tell a Monet from a Picasso,
or a polar bear's ability to play basketball.
Guest experts like biologists, ecologists, and more
join us to share their unique insight into the animal's world.
Listen with friends and family of all ages on MaximumFun.org
or wherever you get podcasts.
It's Jordan, Jesse Go.
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Morris, boy, detective.
River Butcher, three-time world champion.
Jordan.
Yes. There's never been a better time to follow Jordan, Jesse Go on various social media platforms.
So you can see the video that I made of River and you with your help,
with the help of your full body weight,
demonstrating what a Nordic curl is.
I was happy to help.
Very difficult.
I don't believe.
Especially in Birkenstocks.
I'd love to get into Nordic track right now.
Oh, sure, yeah.
It seems like the time.
Get back on it.
90s fitness trends.
Buy some stock.
Yeah.
Yourself a thigh master maybe. Get a couple videos. Exactly. I think, I don It seems like the time. Get back on it. 90s fitness trends. Buy some stock. Yeah. Yourself a thigh master maybe.
Get a couple videos.
Exactly.
I think, I don't know.
Bow flex.
I was just going to say Thai bow.
Oh, Thai bow.
Bow flex.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I was looking at, I was thinking about exercise practices.
I've been playing tennis once a week.
Oh, that's fun.
Very bad.
Just like Lemon Daddy.
No, just like Lemon Daddy.
Wait a minute.
Are you, this whole time, have you fine. Very bad. Just like Lemon Daddy. No, just like Lemon Daddy. Wait a minute. Are you?
This whole time, have you been?
You are the Lemon Daddy.
I got a new dog who needs long walks, and I've been going to physical therapy.
So it's those things plus playing tennis.
And I'm like, I got to have a full set of exercising activities.
Yeah, yeah.
And just a few blocks from my house is a karate dojo.
Yeah.
And the lady who runs the karate, it's the, you know, it is a very hood karate dojo.
This is not a fancy operation.
It's like a carport karate dojo.
Crazy.
And, you know, next to a tire store.
Are there fancy karate dojos?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Relatively, I think.
Yeah, sure.
Bespoke.
Yeah.
But it's not.
Locally sourced geese.
Locally sourced geese.
The vibe very much reminds me of the Columbia Park Boys Club.
And I'm like, there's just one person that works there, as far as I can tell.
This one lady.
And I'm like, because it says like physical, you know, personal training, blah, blah, blah, like a whole list of things they do there.
I'm like, well, I don't know.
Maybe I would go to the gym if there was like a lady meeting me there and it was two blocks from my house.
Yeah.
So I'm looking at their website.
Website's down down full of viruses.
So I'm looking at their Facebook page, you know, the real source for business information.
And I'm looking at this woman's, she's got her karate championships and then she's also
Billy Blanks certified.
Wow. Yeah. So I'm like, yeah, so I guess I got to get in on this. Yeah then she's also Billy Blanks certified. Wow.
So I'm like, yeah, so I guess I gotta get in on this. Yeah, she's certified.
If she knows Ty Boe, Billy Blanks
is personally attested to it.
Yeah, that's some good shit in there.
That guy doesn't put his name on everything.
I don't want to go do some shit where I'm
carrying around tires or whatever.
You know what I mean? I don't want to.
But if I had a shot at meeting Billy Banks.
Do you think Billy Blanks would be on our billboards?
Yeah.
What do you think?
Do you think we could get him for $2,500?
Matt, what do you think?
You think we could get Billy Blanks for $2,500?
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
But whose money is it?
We would have to.
Whose money is it?
It's not my money.
No, you get paid
from me and Jordan's money. This would
come from Jordan's money.
Would all be.
I don't have to go in on it, though.
No, this would come from Jordan's slab money.
No, but this would create money.
This would be from his slab dough. Sure.
Okay. It's not from the sweat of his loins,
though. No.
I need that for college.
Yeah, we could definitely get whatever person you said. Okay. It's not from the sweat of his loins, though. No. I need that for college. I need that money.
But yeah, we can definitely get whatever person you said.
See, we can get him.
Okay.
Well, if we can get him for $2,500, I think we should.
Get him in here.
Yeah.
But that billboard will generate income for us.
So it's an investment. It's like you're losing money not buying the billboard right now.
Do you think we would just... How about this?
Here's my idea.
Okay.
Here's my pitch.
We get $2,500 in a billboard.
I don't know what a billboard costs.
I'm going to say $500.
Look, David Reese bought some for election profit makers, and if they can afford them,
we can afford a billboard.
We got our $2,500 for Billy Blanks.
They're more popular than us.
Okay. Look, we get... Of course billboard. We got our $2,500 for Billy Blanks. They're more popular than us. Okay, look.
Of course they are.
They got starly kind sometimes.
We can afford to pay a guy to spin a sign for two hours in an intersection.
Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.
Dressed as a lemon daddy.
Or Uncle Sam.
The original lemon daddy.
We get a billboard.
We get Billy Blanks.
We got River Butcher, former professional graphic designer to design this thing. Yeah. We get Billy Blanks. Uh-huh. We got River Butcher.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Former professional
graphic designer
to design this thing.
Yeah, sure.
And I don't think
we're going to get people
to listen to the show.
Yeah.
But I do think
if we put a picture of-
Because the billboards
are too confusing.
Yeah.
If we put a picture
of Billy Blanks
and he's just wearing
a shirt that says karate.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It's not,
because we can only have the official copyright access to,
I'm sure at some point he had to sell Tai Bo to make rent.
So it says just Billy Blanks,
says karate on his shirt,
says Jordan Jesse Go across the top,
River, you'll lay this out.
That's right, I'll lay it out.
And then it just puts my Venmo there.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Venmo us.
The Venmo.
Venmo us 10 bucks. Just a giant QR code. Yeah, just Venmo there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Venmo us. The Venmo. Venmo us 10 bucks.
Just a giant QR code.
Yeah, just Venmo us 10 bucks.
We don't have time to explain why.
Just do it.
It's on the billboard.
It's on the billboard.
Billy Blanks, Jordan Jesse Go, Venmo us 10 bucks.
I don't know how to make one.
I'm sure it's been a long time since you were a graphic designer.
It's been a minute.
I figured it out.
But I don't think you know how to make those little
digital squibbledy-doos.
Oh, I can make a QR code. You can?
Oh, yeah. Those are pretty easy. Oh, well, then we don't
just have to put... Generate the QR code. I was just going to say
Venmo us, but you could
put one of these squibbledy-doos. No, put a giant
QR code that people can scan while they're driving.
How big is it compared to Billy Blanks?
I mean, it's going to be twice as big as Billy Blanks.
So it's one-third Billy Blanks, two-thirds QR code.
He'll be jump-kicking the QR code.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait, but he loves the QR code.
It's going to be mostly QR code.
The point is that he wants people to get Venmo.
People love QR codes.
Sometimes we jump-kick the ones we love.
They think they're ordering mocktails.
Right.
You know what I mean?
People love QR codes.
Yes.
$2,500.
I bet if we come Yes. $2,500. I bet
if we come up with $250, I bet we could
get that lady from the Karate Dojo by
my house. Sure, yeah. I bet you could.
We'd have to take the picture ourselves.
Yeah. These phones are pretty good
these days. River's willing to do all the
designing for free. Yeah, of course. I think I heard
that. Yeah.
This sounds like a made-in-the-shade.
It's going to be huge for us.
This is incredible.
Even my eye, if you dig this.
It's what we're doing.
2024, let's go.
And then I'll sign the billboard, and that'll add $4 to its value.
That's right.
That's great.
To every Venmo, it'll just add an extra $4.
I love this.
Okay.
Slab it up.
Matt Lieb is the producer of the program.
Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the
Attic Records.
Pause.
Have we given River a chance to plug the date?
River, because River is going to Minneapolis.
That's right.
I'm going to be at Acme Comedy Club in February.
Boom.
It's the 7th through the 10th.
Then I'm going to be at the Den Theater in Chicago on the 22nd.
Yes.
23rd and 24th, I'll be at Commonwealth Comedy in Dayton, Kentucky.
I didn't even know there was a date in Kentucky.
Cool.
Yeah, I knew about Dayton, Ohio.
Me too.
Very close.
Dayton, Kentucky, and it's got its own comedy club, Commonwealth.
Commonwealth Comedy.
Come out to that.
And then on the 9th of March, I'll be at the Agua Caliente Casino in Cathedral City for their Pride event.
And then in March, I believe it's the 26th, 27th, and 28th, I'll be at Buffalo Helium in Buffalo, New York.
Then I'll be at the Punchline Philly.
And then I'm rounding out at Bananas Comedy Club in Rutherford, New Jersey.
Not to be confused with Go Bananas in Cincinnati, Ohio.
Don't go to Cincinnati.
I'm not going to be there.
Do not go to Rooster Tea Feathers in Sunnyvale.
Don't do that.
Go to riverbutcher.com slash shows to get tickets to all those shows.
Let me ask you this, Jordan.
Okay.
Picture for a moment
that you're a Minnesotan.
You live in Minneapolis.
It's cold.
Or it's Twin City, St. Paul.
Okay.
Imagine yourself to be,
let's say, Gary Gaiety,
former third baseman
for the Minnesota Twins.
Yeah, I can picture that, sure.
Okay.
Or his sworn enemy,
Kent Herbeck,
first baseman for the Minnesota Twins.
Which one should I imagine?
Dan Gladden, the left fielder.
Okay, I'm there.
Okay, thank you.
Now think about all the shit you have to do in February.
Oh my God.
Here's some of the fun stuff you have to look forward to.
Shovel your walkway.
Right.
Shovel your driveway.
Yep.
Either go up on your roof or hire professionals
to go up on your roof
to knock the snow off
so your house doesn't collapse
yep
uh
wear a big parka
drink beer
mhm
that's it
that's all you've got
and now River Butcher
is coming to town
and you're telling me
you're not going
come on
there's no person like that
every single Minnesotan
that's listening to this is going to see Riverbush.
I should hope so. You gotta come to
these shows. Gotta come to these shows.
They have dinner there.
Use that system of underground
and cross air
tunnels and towers.
So you never have to be outside.
Do they got one of those in Columbus,
Kentucky? They don't. Okay.
Not in Dayton, Kentucky and not in Columbus, Kentucky either.
Thank you.
What are those locations?
Akron, Kentucky.
Cleveland, Kentucky.
What are those locations again?
We got Buffalo.
Yeah, we got Buffalo.
We got Philly.
Philly.
We got Chicago in there.
We got Rutherford, New Jersey.
We got Cathedral City, California.
Yeah, that's it.
Chicago.
Agua Caliente.
Agua Caliente.
Hot water.
You going to do any gambling while you're there?
Maybe.
Roll the bones?
I don't usually, but maybe I will this time.
You know what?
I say go to the table and just say, let it rot.
Let it rip.
They're going to be like, don't put down any chips.
Say let it rot. Let it rot and then just walk away. like, don't put down any chips. Say, let it ride.
Let it ride, and then just walk away.
A little less competition, a little more action.
And then I stick the microphone in my mouth.
Wow.
River, it's always great to see you.
Thank you for coming on the program.
Oh, thanks for having me.
Always great to be back.
Congratulations on winning the World Series of your adult baseball league.
Thank you, yes.
A bunch of adults with a trophy.
It's pretty great.
There's curveballs in it, Jordan.
That's confirmed.
Cool.
I'm not joining.
Not if there's fucking curveballs.
Yeah, right?
They seem like they're coming at you, and then they're not.
It's a good way to get beamed.
But what if they don't curve?
Then they do come at you and hit you.
I don't know.
They really do.
They really do.
I know.
Yeah.
Okay.
Matt Lieb, love you by the free design, courtesy of Free Design and Light in the Attic Records.
Of course, we're on Instagram at put.this.on at Jordan David Morris.
Of course, you should pre-order Jordan's upcoming book, which you can find by going onto your
favorite bookseller's website or going in there and asking them to order.
I used to do that, Borders.
People come in and say, can you order this for me?
I'd say yes, of course.
Yeah, do it.
They like it.
They like, you like to do it.
Yeah.
I loved it.
No, it's really, it's a nice thing to do when you work at the bookstore.
You're glad to do it because you feel like, yeah, we'll give you a call when it comes
in.
It's like a service you can provide.
It's easy for you, but it feels good.
Like you're really doing something for the person.
Yeah.
Youth group.
Pre-order it.
Yeah, or pre-order youth group. Go in there.
Youth group.
That's it.
And hey, if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area and you're listening to this right when it comes out,
Saturday afternoon, Judge John Hodgman at SFSketchFest, sfsketchfest.com for your tickets.
Okay, that's it.
We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica.
I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.
Love you.
Love you. Love on Jordan, Jessica.