KILL TONY - #643 - THE REGULARS
Episode Date: January 2, 2024William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/...18/2023 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: KILLTONYLIVE – WATCH THE NYE ARENA SHOWS! KILLMERCH.COM – KILL TONY MERCHANDISE SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network.
This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at TonyHinchcliff.com.
And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStrip ATX.com.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kiltown. I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music, from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas.
For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony, it's Clam! You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives or what?
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Makes the noise for Red Band everybody!
We've been doing this a long time, him and I.
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Did you just miss our two huge Killtony New Year's Eve shows?
Man, you missed out. But no worry, if you
want to check us out in our first arena show live from the HEB Center in
Austin, Texas, you have one more week to go to KilltonyLive.com and
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You guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh?
You guys got to do better than that.
Are you guys ready to have the best fucking time?
I'll ask again, how many of your die hard fans of this show?
Well, I book this show every single week, and I feel like a lot of the interviews
with our regulars have gone lately, and not enough attention has been given to the bucket.
So tonight, I would like to announce that for the first time ever, or at least the first
time in a long time, you have arrived at an episode that shall be known as the great bucket, Bonanza.
And what that means is that your guests tonight will not be performing.
They will be with us all night. They are indeed the backbone of the show.
My three favorite top young rising comedians in the world.
It is indeed William Montgomery, Cam Patterson and Hotskin!
Wow! Oh my god you know that you love that you watch them every bucket week and now they are here right in front of you for the entire episode. They all came from the bucket.
Now they are superstars.
International travelers, William Montgomery coming off of seven sold out shows in Chicago
this weekend.
Cam Patterson and Hans Kim coming off of two massive sold out 3000 plus seat theaters in
Florida with me. And Redban coming
off a week and he has a new face massager thingy that massages his face.
It's great. It gives off warm temperatures. Oh yeah, I haven't pre-pulled at all yet.
And we have to go all the way across the street tonight. Oh, okay, I should have
thought of that one. Oh, that's exciting. Here, you know what? Grab two of them. Fuck it. Alright, let's get them over. Oh, that's inside. I saw that wait, bring it back. Let's do that one. Yeah, that's inside.
This girl is a, I may have had one more time for our guests though. Everybody, Hans, Pam Patterson, get Genevieve. Go grab Genevieve. Somebody, Kristi, get Genevieve. Somebody, Christie, get Genevieve.
How you doing, William?
I'm doing good.
There was actually where I was this past weekend,
a woman walked into a walk-in freezer a couple years ago
at the hotel and froze to death in the walk-in freezer.
And they actually, weirdly enough, they had a walk-in freezer experience.
While I was at the hotel, it was $1,500.
They lock you in the walk-in freezer. I was at the hotel, it was $1,500.
They lock you in the walk and freezer.
I was in there eight hours.
So what?
I'll hell yeah, you paid the money for it.
1,500.
That's right.
The great Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, truly, truly.
If you guys saw what this kid is doing in theaters,
not letting the audience breathe at all,
the only, the last one to go up before me always.
Gang shit. Gang shit. Big time.
Real bad.
You had some family members at the shows in Florida.
Would you like to tell the audience how many of your family members
you invited backstage at these massive theaters?
Oh, it was actually real 50-7, 50-7.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
I knew six of them.
I knew six of them.
I was a gram, black people off the street,
and tell them, let's have a good time.
You know what I'm saying?
He knew six of them.
Meanwhile, 53 of them were introduced to me as cousins.
Ha-ha-ha.
And the great Hans, Kim, ladies, and gentlemen. gentlemen. Hello. How's it going Hans?
It was great to be on tour with you Tony and meet all of Kim's cousins. I lost my wallet
seven times on the tour. That's right. I'm just kidding. That's right. His air tags come in handy out there. It's just a hot-gathered room.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Man, a little fun fact is William Montgomery
is celebrating tonight his five-year anniversary
of being a member of the show here on Kultone.
The only current living member of the Kultone Hall of Fame.
It's been five.
It's somehow been five years.
I remember right when I started doing it, I was thinking,
I'll be able to make it six months,
and now it's five years, Redban,
and I hate one another more than ever before.
I can't even look at his stupid fucking fat ass.
You look fat as fuck up in the eye.
You be nice to Redban, he's a sweet boy.
How could you ever be mean to Red Band?
We don't do that.
Speaking of six months, exactly six months for Cam Patterson
and two and a half years for Hans Kim.
So you're looking at,
oh, fuck it, the freshman sophomore senior over here.
Let's jump right into it.
You guys know how the show works.
We are going to try to set a record for bucket pools here
tonight with the regular series.
So we're going to meet a bunch of brand new innocent souls.
And we're going to see if we're going to let them
keep their souls or if I take them.
And they get 60 seconds to perform uninterrupted.
You know, their time is up in the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then.
Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
It's just cut some off.
Then I lead them in an interview.
We find out more about them.
The entire show is improvised.
Fucking anything can happen.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?
Yeah!
All right, let's jump right into it.
I pulled a name from the inside while they grab the person
from the bar across the street.
Make some noise for her.
You know her.
She has been on this show multiple times.
I actually had her open up for me in Detroit
at the start of this tour.
And she's fantastic.
She's an employee here.
Everybody loves her.
This is a brand new minute from the great GenoVee
of everybody.
GenoVee. I'm not that I smoke and I reflect back on my childhood.
I do see some hints of queerness.
Like the instance, you ever been in between showers,
like you don't stink but you ain't fresh.
And you get a wiffie yourself.
Your first thought shouldn't be, hmm, I eat it.
I like being a little gay in Texas.
It's one of the fun.
Texas, where you could be gay, but don't be gay about it.
And then, obviously, white people named it Nigeria.
Well, I don't think they pronounced it like that.
I think they walked up in there and was like,
it's a bunch of niggas in here.
It's a niggery in this bitch.
Hey, everywhere.
Hey, I'm Jimmy.
Thank y'all so much.
Boom.
57 seconds.
Brand new.
Never heard before by the great Gen of Eve.
Welcome back to the show, Gen of Eve.
Hey, y'all, for having me.
Good to see y'all, y'all.
How are you, man?
I love it.
You look extra happy today.
Look at you.
Oh, you know, bucket pools do that to you.
Yeah, I love it.
It's all happening.
What are you working tonight?
You're on your...
Yeah, yeah, I'm the Yonder Niggas.
Cam was a...
Oh, okay.
Touchdown. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Game yonder niggas. Can't be say. Oh, okay. Touchdown. How you doing?
Absolutely.
Game violence.
Do we have any suspicious Apple watches?
Oh, yeah, I'm checking for all y'all motherfuck shit.
That's right.
Locked it up tonight, baby.
How's it going in life, Genevieve?
It's going great, man.
Great bonzari pair my Joe Rogan Fanny pad.
Yeah.
Oh, what happened to the original?
I'm back to holding the lantern.
How did it break?
Oh, you know, just being too rough with it, you know what I'm saying?
I had channeled the Rogan spirit.
And I was like, oh, you know, I'm just OK.
OK.
All right, I've never seen Rogan do that before, but I love it.
OK, what else is going on?
Hell yeah, just being here doing shows around town, getting
love all over the city fucking love Austin man
It's been a great time. I love it guys you guys know Genevieve what you think of the men? Yeah, Genevieve
I loved your set, but that's actually my Nigeria joke
I sold that I've set that one a bunch. I think you know that's my joke, so yeah
There's a little horrified when I heard it come out of your mouth.
Yeah.
Well, I wouldn't hear white people on Niger, but I feel like that's two on the nose.
Yeah.
Right, and we know how we feel about those kinds of noses.
Nice with noses.
Cam, you have 56 cousins.
What do you think of this performance?
It's gonna be my cousin.
That's right.
I had a fan.
I thought I saw one of her backstage in Jacksonville.
Egg violence.
Egg violence.
Absolutely.
Honest to a horror, dude.
Hans Kim.
I love that Nigeria joke.
The Nigeria is what it looks like backstage at the theaters.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER Thank you.
Genevieve, we love you.
Another great new minute.
You did it again.
We're going to fly through them tonight.
We're going to meet some innocent people.
This name kind of looks familiar.
Let's see what happens here. New minute from Tony Cruz, everybody.
Here comes Tony Cruz, right out of the bucket.
Here we go.
How's everybody doing?
Woo!
Woo!
I've got heard the good news.
Fast and Furious and Marvel Universe
agreed to merge in their next film. Yeah, Vin Diesel will be transitioning to a female role as America Chavez.
It's pretty 2023, isn't it?
Dwayne DeRoc Johnson will be recasted to play her bitch,
and Ghost Rider will be played by Paul Walker.
The legacy continues, guys.
It's a role he's been dying to play.
I used the butt plug recently.
It didn't work.
I still shit my pants.
Yeah, I didn't realize butt plugs are used for sexual pleasure till I stuck one up my ass.
Yeah, my eyes are open, especially my brown eye.
Guys, I just want to say this, y'all are all beautiful.
Everybody near the beautiful.
You're also beautiful when you go home tonight, you should go fuck yourselves.
My name is Tony Cruz.
Okay. Tony Cruz. You got some laughs. I didn't think anything was funny at all, but this
is a very generous audience. I think it's what we're figuring out. They're giving laughs
on what appears to be cadence alone. It appears to, though, if you leave a gap for laughter,
this audience will give you some respect. Welcome back, Tony.
You were on last week.
That's right.
Very lucky man.
Look at you.
Amazing.
How does it feel?
It feels good, man.
I love it.
Well fun.
It's amazing how luck goes to people that don't have much talent often.
And I mean, like the universe has a weird way of balancing it out.
Like, hey, let's give this guy another opportunity with half jokes.
It's great though.
You look fantastic.
Thank you, sir.
I appreciate it.
You look like a homeless Mario.
Like, you got no horrible car taxidant
and just things went downhill from there.
What made you dress like that today?
I mean, I don't know, man.
I figured I was going to be on Killtony, so why not?
Why do I feel like you're not wearing any underwear
underneath that? That's just curiosity, guys. I'm just saying. be on Killtony, so. Why do I feel like you're not wearing any underwear underneath that?
That's his curiosity, guys.
I'm just saying.
I can show you if you want.
No, that was gay.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Show us, show us.
I'm getting, bitch!
William wants to see your toad stool.
Tonya remind us, what do you do for a living? I don't have a job no sir.
You don't have a job. Yeah I'm uh comedy. We're gonna do it let's fucking do it.
Just trying to do comedy. Can you jump? Do you know how to jump? I do yeah. Let's see that.
Can you squat down all at one speed like you're going down a sewer pipe? No, it's not.
Do it again.
Do it again.
Nice and slow.
Nice and slow.
Why don't you turn it down? Nice thing slow nice and slow
Can you super jump for us?
Come on try it. Don't overthink it. Okay. that's so ridiculous.
Can you shoot an imaginary fireball out of your hands like that?
Stop putting the fucking microwave.
Okay, that's this one Red Band.
There's one called Fireball.
Do it again, do it again.
Do it again.
Okay, let's try it to do it at the same fucking time.
You're just ready to set go.
Okay, I should have known.
I like that.
I like that.
Okay, can you do a small jump?
Let's keep playing Mario games here.
Small jump.
Why is it all the same?
Okay, I see there is a difference.
Wow, interesting. You know how Mario is like? Why is it all the same? Okay, I see there is a difference.
Wow, interesting.
You know how Mario sometimes like powers up like that?
Can you do that?
Wow, I think you just pooped his pants on that one, everybody.
This is absolutely incredible.
Wow, what's that?
Oh, OK, you're just moving the cord.
I thought you were doing it.
It's amazing how that activated that like that.
What's your favorite video game character of all time?
Mario.
Me?
Yeah.
On Grand Def Auto.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I play as myself.
Oh.
Yeah, it's you.
You're the one that lives at the top and the desert, right?
My character wears overalls and everything, so yeah.
Okay.
Guys, what do you think about this piece of absolute trash?
I am just loving the car heart.
Thank you, dude.
I can see from here he's car heart as a rocker right now.
Oh.
Hey, hello.
I do believe I just, whatever.
I flagpole to that one.
That's right.
Bowser falls.
All right.
Camp Patterson.
It should have went out of the top.
You bought it at the top, right?
I'm the boss.
Take your head off.
Take your head off.
Let's see here.
Oh, no, my wrong.
The wrong guy.
Toss. I think we're both. Yeah, no, take your head off. Let's see here. Oh, no, my wrong thing. Oh, no.
The wrong guy.
That's how they were both.
Hans came, you invented the game Mario for Nintendo.
That's good to see my intellectual property come to life.
This is like the Barbie movie for me.
Yeah, man, yeah, sure.
I like that you're trying to be really chill and even
tempered and not go up or down too much. It's an interesting strategy. I mean, sure. I like that you're trying to be really chill and even tempered and not go up or down too much.
It's an interesting strategy.
I mean, you know what you can get, man.
It is.
So here we are.
We are not going to spend a lot more time with you.
You were on last week.
Tell us something that we didn't find out about you
last week that's crazy about you or something
that you've accomplished or done or a crime
or something you've gotten away with or anything.
It was really interesting.
Give us something compelling here.
I dropped out of school, got my GED.
No, no, no, we want you to tell us something that we don't know.
Perhaps you don't understand the question.
It's something that we wouldn't have guessed about you.
Something that would surprise us.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know, Tony.
I do a lot of things. I enjoy comedy. I enjoy talking to people and networking. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, Tony, I do a lot of things.
I enjoy comedy, I enjoy talking to people and networking.
It's fun.
I'm having fun.
Yeah.
How about in your life?
In entire life, you have to use here.
Maybe her up to perhaps an embarrassing sexual experience.
Perhaps you have a special skill or talent, really anything at all.
I've had somebody shit on me during sex. Oh it on purpose or was it an accident it was an
accident okay and what position was he or she in she was in a missionary and it
was we were well she poop on you we were performing anal and we didn't you
got to prepare for that right Right, right. Hell yeah. Missionary anal, missionary anal position. That is
riski-bus. That's why you have to eat your Kellogg's all-brained butts before anal.
And you have to make sure you have dude wipes right next to the bed. Right next to
who? Keep your dude wipes handy. Why do I feel like you've pooped the bed in missionary position as well?
I have pooped.
You farted, and you farted.
I've shit myself before, yeah.
Absolutely. 100%.
I love Taco Bell, man. I'm a Taco Bell guy.
The overalls are an interesting choice for a guy that poops himself a lot,
because you have to take off your top.
The good thing about these, they conceal the smell,
so you wouldn't know until I take them off.
Till it falls out of the pan like immediately. Alright, there he goes, Tony Cruz everybody.
Two weeks in a row of Tony Cruz.
Crubing that anything can happen.
Makes some noise to your next bucket.
Poolsack block everybody.
We're flying through him tonight.
Flying through it.
Zack Flack. tonight flying through it. Zach Black. So everybody knows that I like older women and I just went on a date with a 65 year old woman.
I'll admit maybe I went a little too far with that one, but then she asked me if I ever
had a threesome with a mother and daughter like now we're talking, right?
So she takes me back to her place,
introduces me to her mother.
I had never been with a woman that old.
I'm gonna be honest.
I ran out of there straight to my car.
Got my video camera went back in.
It's unpawned hub if you all wanna check it out.
And I'm actually seeing that mother later tonight.
Yeah, I'm trying to get in that will.
I'm going to try to fuck her to death.
And you'll know if I do too, because next Monday I'll be pulling up in an 83-bueic,
the pocket full of hard candy and ashes. I hope I can do it too, because I really like her car.
Reminds me of her leather interior.
Alright.
Alright, exact flat.
So the whole gist is your fucking old lady.
And you just went on and on about it. Yeah.
OK.
Again, a very generous audience.
I was listening to the laughter thinking,
maybe I missed something.
But again, I think they're really excited to be here.
They're letting everybody glide by with mediocrity.
4 o'clock.
It is an early show.
It's an early taping tonight.
A lot of energy on the audience still. So what
really happened? Tell us the truth. What really happened that night?
Oh, she made this old bag of bones. She DM me on Facebook.
Oh, that's see, that should be part of the thing.
It should?
Yeah, I think so. You could tell it's an old lady because she DMed you on Facebook.
That would be the most original part of your entire 60 seconds.
If that was a part of your 60 seconds,
testing that her skin is leather like would be a joke from perhaps the 30s or 40s.
We're saying that she DMed you on Facebook would be a 2023.
Joke, do you see the difference?
One was one had wooden wheels at the time. The other
is a 2023. Yeah. Okay, dope. I was just keep plowing forward here. Zach, so she DMed
you on Facebook and then what happened? Well, I'm gonna be honest, it's all made up.
I do like older women, but that the whole 65 the mother, you know, I'm gonna be honest.
I was asking because I knew you weren't being honest.
Yeah, okay.
I could tell, throughout.
You ever been with older woman?
I have.
What's the oldest?
It was old as fuck.
It was at a Tony Clifton.
It was literally at a Tony Clifton show
at the comedy store.
I think it was 2009.
I had never been with an older woman before
and I knocked it out all at once.
In one night, one woman so old
that I shall never go back towards anywhere near
that direction, anywhere 50 years that close to that age
of a woman.
It wasn't that bad.
But I do believe she fucked Andy Kaufman before.
So that should give you a,
that should give you some range
of what we're talking about here.
Who did it?
That was the thing that attracted me to her.
I was 24 and didn't give a fuck back that.
Who is it?
It's nobody, anybody knows.
Oh, okay, no, oh, like Mother Teresa or anything. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no talking about. Oh, yeah, you don't know who Andy Kaufman is.
It's an old comedian, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, like, you're funny to hear.
He died the year I was born, which should tell you something.
Anyway, but it's good that you're asking me about my things
so that it's a more compelling, interesting story,
even though I'm giving no real information away about it at all
and didn't prepare anything.
But let's go back to your dishonest 60 seconds.
What made you make up the fact that you slept with an older woman?
Well, I generally do go for the older women, so I just exaggerated it a little bit.
I mean.
But would you say you generally go for older women?
Is that who you hook up with the most?
Yeah, probably definitely.
So like what's the last time you hooked up
with a real older woman?
How did that go down?
In real life, you don't have to make it funny.
We dated for six months.
Ha ha ha.
Let's see, that's funny.
You're not supposed to date an older woman.
You're supposed to fuck them, Zach.
That's so cool.
So who's going to fall falling in love with some fucking,
oh, let me take a guess here.
You were raised by a single father?
No.
OK, you just hate your mom.
Oh, hey, I don't talk to her very much, but yeah.
She's all right.
Right, exactly.
So you're looking for that is what you don't know.
Probably.
You're looking for a mom.
Yeah. Yeah. There we looking for a mom. Yeah.
Yeah.
There we go.
We're doing this shit.
How much?
A lot of sopranos.
That Dr. Melfi was on this shit.
How much older are you going for, though?
Are you like, oh, she's three years older than me.
Are you doing that shit?
No.
I would say it's disgusting.
You can tell.
50, 55.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Fucking gross, bro.
Down to a unbelievable. You think therapy, though? Yeah. God, 55. Exactly. Yeah, fucking gross bro. Yeah, unbelievable.
You'd be therapy though.
Yeah, I got it bro.
That was any one.
I like, you know, chicks that work out at least, you know,
maybe some.
Well, Jesus, I hope so, yeah.
Like a walker or something like that.
Yeah.
Five year olds, I'm really pumping that much iron out there.
You have a fantasy of killing the bitch with so dick.
Cam, I wish I could.
Do you prefer a drive a China to a wet one?
Absolutely not.
Who would prefer a dry one?
A guy that...
Big tracks down 55-year-olds.
They get just as wet, right?
Older ladies and girls.
Maybe some of them, but you know, some of them go through menopause.
There's things that happen to women biologically
to where things can kind of slow down down there a little bit.
Well, I still only talk to the healthy ones
to take vitamins and drink enough water.
Is that a part of your first date?
Do you take vitamins and drink a lot of water?
Actually, yeah. That's my criteria for pretty much anyone I'm going to hang out with.
Do you take vitamins? Are you asking me if I take vitamins?
No, I know you take vitamins. Clearly. Maybe I don't.
You do.
Yeah, I mean, who are you asking, motherfucker?
Where you asking me, motherfucker? What are you? What are you?
Huh? I could recommend some vitamins, if you
know. Cool name one. D3, that's very important. He just tried to fuck out of you. He just
tried to fuck out of you. I was dishevefledged. Did you just fucking try me right now at you
pieces, shit? I thought you were fucking trying me. And at the very beginning of your set,
you're like, oh, everybody knows I love old bitches. I was thinking, I don't fucking know that dumbass.
I'm sure nobody fucking knows you like older women.
And I was wondering, though, how are you doing?
Are you like hinting from the back?
Or what are you doing with these bitches, dude?
Are the lights on?
Are the lights off?
Are there candles going?
What are you doing?
Get a little fucking, where there's original,
put it in her asshole.
That's a good one.
You toss her fucking old brown lettuce.
You be talking with a life alert?
It was you be doing.
Yeah.
I'm ballin' and I can't get up.
Hold up, it's okay gonna have to stay right now.
I can't stay right now.
Do you have any special moves in the bedroom
with these older ladies?
Is there anything that you do?
Do you take off like they're prosthetic legs
or something like that?
Stupid.
Bend them over the walker.
Sometimes in the shower, the old ladies
they got the rails in their bathtub.
Ah, the old double rail.
So okay.
The old railroad.
All right, Hans, anything for this guy?
This guy looks like Tony Hawk, bro waiter.
All right.
A bro waiter.
Is that a pro skater?
Bro, wait her everybody
Bro waiter all right there. He goes that black everybody onto the next one. We go we're flying through them. He really are
Make some waste for your next come on just go no fucking handshakes Jesus Christ these people hey we're buddies now
I'll see you around town. We're gonna be doing a lot of work together now.
Shut the fuck up.
Alright, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael Hines, everybody. Michael Hines is next.
On.
Well done.
I'm not pro Hamas, but I can always go for a little chickpea.
I'm not pro Hamas, but I can always go for a little chickpea. No, but seriously, I am stoked on this new war.
I'm super excited about it because that Russia versus Ukraine shit was getting boring.
No one's talking about it anymore.
I think it's because everyone was on the same team.
They're all I stand with Ukraine this, I support Ukraine that.
No one was pro Russia, I mean like, except for me. But this
new one, it's sort of red versus blue, but anyone could be a wild card, you never know
what someone's going to say. I hope they annihilate each other so we can get the holy land
set up from my boy JC. But there's lots of shocking opinions out there. Like Greta Thumburg
went from tweeting about saving the environment and tweeting about BLM to tweeting about killing the Jews.
Which was crazy to me.
It was shocking just because I never really thought me and Greta would see eye to eye on anything
before.
You know.
But you guys ever noticed that black guy cut off there?
You could have kept going,
but obviously allergic to cats or something like that.
You really stopped you in your tracks there.
Have you been attacked by a kitty cat before?
No.
Okay.
Here he is.
How about one more time for Michael Hines, everybody.
And here we go.
This is very exciting.
You've been on this show before?
Yeah, I have.
Absolutely.
Look at you.
Look at yourself.
It's absolutely incredible.
You look like the world's youngest pedophile.
Like, total opposite of the last guy.
You're going the other direction in the age group.
So, my correct, you like a young don't you?
My age is fine.
Maybe I've always gone like two years older.
They got more money.
Oh, more money.
Yes, some of that 24-year-old money.
Hallelujah.
I'm 24.
Right, exactly.
OK, so what do you do for work?
I'm on unemployment right now.
OK. You don't look like the stoner idiot that you are. I'm on unemployment right now. Okay.
You don't look like the stoner idiot that you are. It's interesting.
I'm on unemployment right now.
It's interesting.
The carpet doesn't match the fucking drapes with you or something like that.
Yeah.
It does with me.
Oh shit.
Fuck yeah.
The fire hydrant.
Look out.
Hell yeah, dude. My mom told me if I came back on Killtony, I fire hydrant, look out. Hell yeah, dude.
My mom told me if I came back on Killtony,
I couldn't come home for Christmas, so.
I guess that's all right.
Give us some backstory to that.
Why would she say such a thing?
She's a pretty evangelical in my math.
My last minute was about my penis, so.
It was about my penis.
It was about my penis.
My last minute, I talked about my penis. It was about my penis. My last minute I talked about my penis.
My evangelical mother did not like me talking about my little Christmas ornament.
Where are you from?
You have such an interesting point.
New Jersey.
New Jersey, I wouldn't have guessed that.
My evangelical mother's talking about my paininess.
How hard did you get bullied all the time in Jersey?
Would you get bullied 90,
we five or 100% of the time?
I was a martial arts instructor in high school,
so I fought a lot.
I got picked up.
Which means you got bullied all the way up until high school.
Oh yeah.
I love it.
And then one year you came back and you're like,
what'd you say?
So, guys, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
I actually fought a crackhead the other day.
You fought a crackhead the other day. You fought David's other day?
You did, tell us about it.
Me and Ben Williams.
No one knows who that is.
Go ahead.
Nobody knows what you're talking about.
Dropping fucking open mic names out there.
Wait.
The Ben Williams.
We're going to the gas station.
And a crackhead, I asked a a borrowers lighter to light my cigarette
and he was cool with it.
And then he was like, yo, can you get me a drink?
And I was like, all right.
And then he's like, stop, stop, stop.
God dammit, stop.
You asked the crack head if you could borrow his lighter.
Yeah.
Well, he offered and mine wasn't working.
See, you're obviously struggling with the lighter
out there, your fucking hairs in your face,
right?
You gotta flip it back every 10 seconds
because that's like your thing.
Yeah.
And then he sees you and he's like,
hey man, you need a lighter.
Yeah, and I was like, cool, I'll get you a drink.
And then he was like, two drinks, two sandwiches,
a pack of cools.
So I got one pack of cools, gave him four cigarettes
and he said, you owe me $20. So I called him a faggot. And then he's like, he ran up behind me and punched
me in the back of the head. Right, right. And then what happened?
Perry, the second part of the year, Marshall Arts. Just put the mic in the mic, Stan, and show
us what you did. And here we go, a little Michael Hines.
Surprise, Marshall, whoa.
Oh, that was it.
Oh my goodness, that was it.
Okay, all right, there he was, Michael Hines.
I hope that's not the speed that you threw the man
in every ally, so that was.
I was afraid I was gonna kick the drums.
I don't wanna fall.
Wow, what an amazing martial arts instructor you are.
I was afraid of those acts who don't like
gonna kick behind me really hard and fall over.
God damn it, I feel like anybody up here
could beat the shit outta you dude.
I do not believe that you're a martial arts instructor.
I would go fucking 10 to one on D Madness on this. I got fucking
I think he would just grab you and never let go and just swing at whatever.
Okay. Well the other senses are in here. That's a D Madus would do with his seeing cane. Is that what it's called? A seeing cane?
Alright, I don't know. Who gives that?
Okay, just folding cane.
Num chucks for the blind.
What would be your approach at D-manus if he came at you
with the num chucks for the blind?
I think if I ran away and took a couple turns, I can get out of there. You son of a bitch. That is such a pussy wayucks for the blind. I think if I ran away and took a couple turns,
I can get out of there.
You son of a bitch.
That is such a pussy way out of this situation.
Yet that is probably the smartest maneuver.
I don't think so.
Yep.
That's when she gets scary.
You're running around a corner
and D just turns the lights out.
And you just hear footsteps coming closer to you.
And he can hear your footsteps, so you're fucked.
You just see glowing sunglasses coming directly at you
at a very fast pace.
Yes.
Michael Hines, craziest thing about your life
that we didn't know about you.
You've been on this show before.
Tell us what we didn't find out the last interview.
Crazyest thing about my life.
My dad got arrested when I was like three
and like the house got stormed for telemarketing stuff.
Like this, we got swatted when I was like three years old.
For telemarketing stuff. Yeah, it isn't that crazy
Can you explain what that means a little bit?
Maybe I'm the only one so I guess he
A fed pretended to be an employee of another company and said he had a list of hot leads
And that's illegal to buy and then he just that we got swatted and they took a they took all our stuff
I don't think that's swatted. I think swatted is no that he sends the police on you for an after a crime
You didn't commit no, but the swatted is when they like kicking the door and all that like the SWAT team
Is that the right terminal?
Exactly what that is dumb ass
I think it's totally different. I think you're dead got arrested. I think that's exactly what that is dumbass. I think it's totally indifferent. I think your dad got arrested.
I think there's a difference.
Am I right?
Absolutely.
But with a SWAT team.
Sure, if there's a SWAT team, I don't think
that that means getting a SWAT.
SWAT did is when you send something
to somebody that doesn't deserve it.
Exactly.
Your dad was a criminal.
Yeah.
He didn't get SWAT. He got in a criminal. Yeah. Oh, yeah. He didn't get swatted.
He got in trouble by the police.
It is good to see you're in trouble by the police
correspondent, Cam Patterson.
Yeah.
Tell him marketing just means drugs, stupid dumbass.
Yeah.
Can I meet?
I would tell him marketing shit.
Yeah, cocaine.
That would have worked.
Yeah. Tell him marketing. That's hilarious. Well, son cocaine. That would have what? Yeah.
Tell a marketing, that's hilarious.
Well, son, I didn't really get in trouble.
It was a telemarketing thing, and I got swatted.
You believe everything your dad tells you, huh?
Do you think that you're how long did he go away for?
Only like two years.
Yeah, only two years.
That didn't affect your childhood at all.
I don't even remember.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, there he goes.
Michael Hines, everybody.
We're going to keep moving forward here.
You guys having fun tonight?
We've been through four bucket polls already.
We're on pace to set a record.
Are you guys having a good time?
Yeah.
All right, make some noise.
60 seconds uninterrupted.
This looks like a new name.
Cole Kasui, everybody.
Cole Kasui.
Here we go.
How y'all doing?
Oh.
I'm doing all right, doing all right.
I got told recently I look like a more lesbian
Ellen DeGeneres.
So that's not great. I mean, I get it. I looked like a more lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, so that's not great.
I mean, I get it, I don't look masculine at all.
I feel like when people look at me, they think,
I'm almost positive you are a dude,
but I am positive you are a bitch.
And that's fair, that's fair.
I just moved here, I moved from Houston.
Notice there's a lot less Latino woman here than Houston,
which is good because they didn't like me.
So that's good.
I don't think I could date a Latina because I can't handle spicy foods.
I think that's just too big of a barrier to overcome.
Like I even think salsa can be too spicy.
So why this should ever.
It's not a good look when I met a restaurant and a waiter's like, did anything else with
their chips and salsa?
And I'm like a glass of milk actually.
It would be great. My throat is on fire.
You know, I'm back on dating apps recently single. I don't mind them. I do think it's
weird though when girls put pictures of them as a kid on their dating profile. Ladies,
I don't know why you think we like that. It's not like I'm gonna go out with a girl and
be like, yeah, she's really not that attractive now, but man, was she cute when she was nine? I'm in. All right, thank you all. Adorable. Cool.
Cusui, there he is, everybody. Castle, how are you? What is it? Castle? Castle, that's how you pronounce
that. Yeah. Oh, that's an L. You have a short L. Yeah. You have a short L. It looks like an undotted
lowercase I. I'm sorry. Did anyone ever told you that?
No, actually no.
You think that's a normal size L?
How does that look to you?
That 100% looks like you were trying to do a lowercase I
and forgot the dot on the top.
That looked like D. That doesn't look like a short L
at the end of Castle.
He's like, dummy Hill, man.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And he doesn't even know how to read.
That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm doing.
I thought that'd be a big deal.
I ain't just like you, whatever Tony says.
That's true.
Okay, Tony.
I think he says something cool there.
I don't know.
This guy's a bitch.
Fuck it.
That's right.
That's right. That's right.
But thank you for taking off of LaCrosse practice to be here tonight.
You see him like, you have the look.
I'm not saying you have the words or style or speak like,
but you have the look of a rich kid.
Are you a rich kid?
No, middle class.
Middle class.
That's what rich kids say, though.
Because there's kids richer than them,
so they call themselves middle class.
My friend, our friend, good friend, Benji, whose family owns,
you know, basically hundreds and hundreds
and hundreds of millions of dollars worth of property
in Los Angeles, calls himself middle class.
I was definitely tied.
I was pretty spoiled, but all my friends like,
way more spoiled.
So I didn't think I was spoiled.
OK, what does your dad do for a living?
Something with, he gets invested.
Why are you pretending like you don't know?
No, it's, he's, he's looking telemarketing.
He's like, he's like the middleman of like getting investors
and companies that need money.
He's like the middleman of that.
Yeah, he doesn't know what his title is.
No, no.
You have no idea what your dad knows really.
No, I really love it.
If a judge in a courthouse asks you,
what does your father do for a living?
You'd be like, he's the middle man,
the king, the king.
No, I actually don't know the title.
Wow, are you close with your dad?
Yeah.
And you have no idea what he does for a living.
No, we don't only talk about his work. We'll talk about my work, but not work, but not why do you think that is why do you think you don't talk about his work
But meanwhile he's taking money from some people and giving it to richer people
Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you?
Why would you guess that your father who is
blatantly blatantly
stealing money from poor to actual middle-class people and reinvesting
it into your own wealth. Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you?
Well, you put it like that. You have no brothers and one sister. Am I correct? Two sisters.
Only two sisters. Yeah. And how I knew that. This is an interesting one. You know how I knew that?
Because you have the energy of a guy that never had any brothers.
I got it.
You have no brother energy.
William has brother energy.
Cam has brother energy.
Actually, he has brother energy.
But you have this type of like, you've never been like,
you've never been like fucking fucked with or anything.
Yeah, I mean, classic bowling every now and then,
but not nothing too crazy, you're a closet bowler.
Classic bowling.
Oh, a classic bowler.
I thought you were a secret about your bowling.
Second life, bowling. Second life. Bowling.
Hot.
Yep.
I did a trial for my high school bowling team.
I made it and then I didn't join.
Wow.
Show them what they wanted and then said, you can't have it.
Wow.
Look at that.
Your heart depend down.
Yeah.
Yeah. That was actually because my friend didn't make it.
So I was like, I'm not doing this alone.
Right.
Okay.
So how long have you lived in Austin?
Beginning on November.
What do you do for work?
I'm in financial sales.
I sell insurance to financial advisors.
Did your dad help you get that job?
No.
He has helped me get interviews before but not this job.
He didn't help you get this job at all?
No, not at all.
That's where.
The resume that you gave them had nothing about your father or entire thing.
No, I got it on my own.
How'd you get it on your own?
I called my dad and he said, I got it.
I'll definitely help with the interview process and maybe resume a little bit.
Maybe resume a little bit.
So we're backtracking on my original thing.
But he didn't get a hard go.
He didn't find a company.
I was like, yo, apply for this.
I applied on my own.
Did the interview.
That's what I asked at all.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
You just answered the question from a minute and a half ago
to where you don't think anything on the resume
was affected by your father at all.
Yeah, just don't worry about it.
Don't worry.
You don't need to know that I want that round.
You'll figure it out when you watch the episode.
Okay.
Thank you.
Finally, a breather.
So okay, and you do that for work.
You've lived here since November.
What's your love life like?
Single now, so not great. Why single now? What's different now that wasn't like this before? Well, probably just because I moved here, so I don't really know anyone. So
Went on one date here didn't go too great. And then I was like I'm just gonna focus on comedy. You said one date
Here, yeah, it sounds terrible. Tell us what happened. Yeah, it was the first weekend. I was like, I'm just gonna focus on comedy. You said one date here, didn't you? Yeah. It sounds terrible.
Tell us what happened.
Yeah, it was the first weekend I was here
and this is November of this year,
is in a month ago.
Yeah, about a month ago.
It was the real answer and here we go.
Yeah, went out, went out, picked her up.
I think this is where it went wrong.
I picked her up and it was my first week in an Austin,
didn't know the downtown parking situation.
So just looking for a parking spot was terrible.
I'm trying to like talk to her too.
It's not going well.
And then I had a parallel park and that did not work.
Someone didn't have a brother growing up.
So I think that was the first mistake.
And then we went to a bar, we had two drinks and then
she said she felt sick and went home.
No, you went home, I had a driver home.
Right.
Did she start holding onto this sick belly while you were struggling to parallel park or
was it after that?
I was like, I know this is bullshit, but I was driving her back to her house.
She was like rolling down the window like burping.
I was like, maybe she's either the best actress ever or just actually sick.
Yeah, that's good.
But she acted, she acted well.
She was rolling down the window for a burp.
That is fucking disgusting.
Yeah, it was like, where did you find this girl?
Henge.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right.
Where'd you take her to eat at?
Well, she had to pick the bar because I didn't know
anything and she picked the place.
It was like way too loud for a date spot too.
I couldn't hear anything she was saying.
You don't remember the name of the place?
No, I don't.
She would like, I couldn't hear it.
I would just act like I knew what she was talking about.
She would be like, yeah, my mom has a, I'm like, yeah, this is a good song.
And that was usually the majority of our conversation.
So she was sick and you were just saying yes and noted things.
Yeah, because I kept asking like, what do you say?
And then after a while, it just got,
it got too much.
Wow.
Yeah.
And then I never saw her again.
Where'd you come from?
Houston.
Oh, the long, long distance trip from Houston.
Yeah, I'm from Dallas. So you know, just working my way around Texas.
I can't wait for you to go to San Antonio.
Hopefully it'll be soon.
Anything else for cold gentlemen?
I mean, I think that you, if you're trying to get laid, try not telling people your middle
class, say that you're rich rich and keep wearing that sweater. Okay
Great advice Hans Kim slide with the ladies
He's had to deal with that having that face, so I mean imagine and I don't worry
I'm used to losing dates after I try to parallel park as well. Yeah
Any type of parking is parallel parking for Hans Kim.
I'm sorry.
I am a better you sorry, right?
Cam, anything else for this fucking Gagutes up here?
This fucking, look at this human seahawk
that we have up here tonight.
So she got sick, I think I started drinking.
She said she did.
So you roofied the bits, you forgot, what happened?
It was too early on, I usually wait for three or four
drinks for that, but we're only on two.
And the whole band just reacted to that. It was too early on. I usually wait for three or four drinks for that, but we're only on two and
The whole band just reacted to that
I knew you wanted to see a roofie new yeah
The band knows the exact drink on which to roofie a lady at its hilarious
William anything else for Cole Keterassel
Cole that thing we're describing about
When you couldn't really hear the girl and you were just kind of agreeing with what she said. I'll be honest with you I thought
about that during your whole fucking set tonight. I was kind of hearing things
going on but I don't know I'm just kind of in a rotten mood right now so sorry
it's not your fault but why are you in a rotten mood? The Kellogg's Aubrey and Buds ran out earlier, Tony, and I couldn't even eat it earlier
My goodness, so I'm in real rotten mood so sorry to take it out on your fucking ass, but I really hear any of it
It's okay. It's okay fiber with drawers right now, huh? Yeah
Wow, what are you gonna do about it?
Really good.
Okay.
All right, there he goes.
That pole castle everybody.
Here's a little joke book.
Can you catch this? You didn't have any brothers.
Everybody's waiting. Everybody's laughing at you.
Millions of people watching.
Wow.
Pole castle. There he goes.
Okay, I'm pretty sure everybody's bomb so far tonight. This is exciting.
It's one of those nights. I like it like this. How many of you like it when people do good on this show?
How many of you like it when people do bad on this show?
Great! Well then you must be fucking thrilled!
Make some noise for your next comedian, Cheyenne Beerens.
Everybody Cheyenne Beerens.
Thank you.
I used to suck off a guy in a wheelchair.
That's right, I'm ADA accessible. I didn't do it because I'm super progressive.
I just wanted someone who wouldn't walk out on me.
But hot wheels just wheeled right on through.
I don't get why people say God hates abortion.
Because if that was the case, why does the big dipper look like a coat hanger?
I guess it doesn't really look like a coat hanger? I
Guess it doesn't really look like a coat hanger, but it looks like one that was unraveled to scrape out a mistake, you know what I mean?
I know sorry Texas listen. I'm actually I'm actually pro-life. I feel bad when I tell that joke
That's why whenever I got knocked up. I just started munching on mushrooms until my sweet
baby boy killed himself.
He was like, oh, this bitch is fucking crazy, I'm out of here!
Yeah, I don't really know why I give my unborn baby a cholo accent.
It doesn't really make sense because every unborn Mexican makes it out alive.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hi Tony.
What do you mean every unborn Mexican makes it out alive?
I didn't get it.
Mexicans pop out babies.
Every unborn Mexican makes it out of babies. I know that they make a pop out babies. Every unborn Mexican makes I know that they make a lot of
babies. It's a little wordy. But why would an unborn Mexican make it out alive? Because
he's Mexican. And Mexicans don't get a vortio. Fuck. I never know if it's my high quality
weed or if everybody else doesn't get it too high-spin.
I get it.
Can you explain this to me?
I got it.
I think it's she's saying like every Mexican that isn't
to nine months yet gets born.
Not that every Mexican that is not born gets born.
It's because you're also autistic.
So you run the same stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Run the same way, wavelength. Run the same way, we've linked.
It's just seen me parallel park.
It's from the comic.
Still not sure that I get the Mexican reference, but it's
all good.
Every unborn Mexican makes it out of life.
William, do you get it?
Right.
You're saying they survived the abortion?
No, they just survived being in the womb.
They survived being in the womb because it's all so good.
Great job.
Of all the Mexican angles, I don't think.
Every Mexican that hasn't been born yet is born.
We'll be went back after these messages.
See, that's a Mexican joke. And that's a Mexican joke. That's a Mexican joke. Clear on the edge, dangerous.
Will we be able to not believe that on YouTube? We don't know anything can happen. We will
have to talk to the YouTube people about that. How about a hand for Sunburn Jenkins getting
back to his seat over here. Sky went a long day on the golf course yesterday. He is a cherry tomato.
All right, Cheyenne, but you started up with the wheelchair suck off. That was good.
Okay. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Is that true? Yeah, it is. Okay. I did in the wheelchair. I met him on OKCupid a few years back. OK.
I was, yeah.
All right.
New to town.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
You have to be entry level to hook up with the guy in a wheelchair.
That's right.
Yeah.
At first, all of his pictures didn't show like the bottom half and he was really hot.
Like, he had really big muscles.
Like, arm muscles because he was just monkey and around everywhere, I guess.
That's right. I don't know, but.
Yeah.
I can't hear you.
He's a boss.
Yeah, that loose dick.
Was he black or?
Whoa.
Where's he black?
No, no.
Oh, okay.
There's like a leather daddy had like long hair and like, this was up in Seattle.
So he had like that Seattle vibe, you know.
Oh, hell yeah.
Yeah, but why was he in a wheelchair?
He had a big dick too, but it didn't work.
Oh, yeah, just got a big soft dick. Dude, it was hard, but like he, yeah, but why was the end wheel chair? Big dick too, but it didn't work. Oh yeah, big soft dick.
Dude, it was hard, but like he, I guess because he's paralyzed,
he could like harm himself.
He could what?
He's like paralyzed from like the waist down.
He's like, harm himself.
He harm himself.
Harm himself.
Yeah.
He could harm himself if what?
If he put it inside me, but he could put in my mouth
and it was fine, I guess, but he couldn't
like do the, we couldn't do vaginal.
Wow, that's a great excuse.
Oh, look at him.
I need to get a wheelchair and be like, hey, look, you can suck my dick, but I could really
harm myself.
I could be double paralyzed if we fuck.
I don't want to lose use of my arms or anything here,
as you can tell, I'm a real muscular leather daddy.
Can I?
Can only get my dick sucked.
It is a real ailment, one of the real catches
of being paralyzed from the waist down.
I fell for it.
Yeah.
I sucked them off.
All the way to completion.
No, I don't know if he could come.
I know this a while ago.
Were you like talking during the blow job or something?
It's like, oh, you know what, I really want to fuck you.
You know what, I can't come.
If you can get hard, you could probably come.
I don't remember him come.
Maybe I suck at blow drops.
Oh shit.
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
Unborn Mexicans.
Not yet.
This is newer development.
So all right.
So you meet the guy and then you suck him off.
But you didn't suck him off.
You just sucked him.
You sucked him on.
I got off.
Off would be to completion, I do.
Oh, fuck.
Anyway, for the bit.
How did you find?
How long did you go before you realize that there wasn't a finish line
here?
How long did you suck for before realizing maybe he can't come?
Did he say something?
We got together a couple times and I felt bad because like, you know, he's in a wheelchair
and I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested anymore because of the chair, but that's really
what it came down to.
Like he couldn't put his dick inside me.
And then it was just annoying,
because like any time we went on a day,
I would have to like load his chair into the car.
How many dates did you?
It's fucking like too much, dude.
Like, I can't do it.
It's too much.
There's some fucking honesty right there.
You see that?
When the honesty accidentally seeps through
That's the funny shit. We could all feel that
How many dates did you go on with this guy?
Probably three to five and you were always the driver. Yeah, I was the driver
You got car fished
Yes, that's what I got cat daddy. Okay, no one knows what that thing is.
No, it's not good. We'll trade that. Okay, very good. So how did this end? How did you
break up with them? They just were really ramping up for a while and then let them down.
Okay, so I found, you know, I went over to this place a couple times
and one time I was in the bathroom,
there was a broth in the bathroom,
and I was like, what the fuck is this?
Oh, damn, this guy fucked up.
I know.
So I was like, what's going on?
And he's like, oh, that's my live-in partner.
But we don't really have a sexual thing,
but she's like, I don't know, something.
But then I got jealous.
I got jealous of the guy in the wheelchair.
That's how low I
Right. Oh my self-esteem is camp Patterson. You let niggin a wheelchair walk out so life
He rolled on through that is
That is unbelievable williamon kamri what do you think about the What, I was just, so did you really get an abortion?
No, I'm miscarried.
Is your, my favorite abortion song is brick by Ben Faults 5?
Do you like that song?
I don't know if I've heard it.
Oh my gosh, I wasn't doing it after this.
It's bitch.
All right.
So you really did miscarry?
Yeah, when I was on mushrooms, yeah.
You really did?
And was the mushrooms that did it?
I think so, yeah.
I was doing a lot of mushrooms at the time.
That's a crazy trip to go to the bathroom and have a little fucking...
It was weird.
A little fucking shrimp cocktail.
It was weird.
Whatever happened.
So I'm not exactly sure what it looks like.
I'd imagine like it's when you first open a catch-up
but like it's not. You know what I mean? Like a little fucking um... I don't know. I'm just guessing
here. It's a comedy show. So I'm a lot of guests. This is an science conference.
It's like Bobo, right? Yeah, Boba. It's an it's an abotion. Yeah, it's just a couple of plots.
It's an it's an it's an aboption. Yeah, it's just a couple of plots
We run out of jokes to make on this show in aboption. Thank you
You almost had a little baby boba
I did used to work at a boba t-shop So this was actually when that happened. Oh my god, it's amazing
100% of the people that I've known that have worked at Boba T-Shops have
a wild miscarriages.
There's a very high number in that industry.
Tapioca.
Miscarriages are very taboo subject.
Doesn't get talked about much at all.
Doesn't get talked about on the show.
There's a lot of abortion jokes.
There's a lot of IITA baby jokes, but there's very few people willing to admit that they
miscarried.
Was that a sad time for you?
Yeah, it was the lowest point in my life.
Really?
But it was with the guy, the baby daddy, and met him in a mental hospital.
So it was for the best, okay?
You were both in the mental hospital at the same time?
Yeah, we met, we fell in love.
How long did it mean?
How long after you met, did he get you pregnant? Like three months, three months,
which was the same amount of time my parents were together
before they got knocked up with me.
So when I was high on mushrooms,
thinking about that, and then the baby killed itself,
it was kind of bittersweet,
because I'm like, at least I won't end up like my parents.
Right, and it's ironic because they wish
that they would have miscarried you.
Yes. After they watched this for sure. So let me ask you this, were you in the guy that
you met at the mental hospital, both heavily medicated when you made this baby? We got,
well, like lithium and things like that, because the end of the mental hospital takes quite
a lot. How long were you in for? I was in there for five days, not that long.
He was in there, I think, for like 10 days.
And then I just thought it was so cute.
And I got his number.
And he was in there for 10 days.
So were we talking about the guy or your baby?
No.
Five weeks for the baby.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So is early.
Do you ever celebrate five weeks?
So do you ever celebrate a negative seven-month, three-week birthday for the baby?
I had an accident about three weeks, yeah, I might...
Oh, it was recent.
No, it happened January, but this was four years ago now.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, so it was a while.
Yeah, so we're going on four-year-old.
I do cry sometimes thinking about having a toddler, but I don't.
Yeah, he would be, oh, he's calling in right now.
We have a baby.
Wait, he's talking again.
We're hearing him, here he is.
Is that my baby?
Oh, there he is.
I think I'm going to go back there.
Chris Jr.
Oh, my God, I love you.
Oh, my God. Wait, wait, hold on. Oh my god, I love you. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh no, somebody's beating him. Mama loves you. No, stop hitting my boy. Oh no, this is bad
Oh
No, he's with the devil oh no, he's in hell oh
No, he's being flushed out the toilet again. Oh
No, he's getting beaten. In hell, this is incredible.
What the fuck? Okay, alright, we're having too much fun.
Sounds like he's having a good time down there.
Alright, um, Cheyenne, you know what, it was a great interview, very compelling.
So you're gonna leave here with a big joke book tonight.
I mean, it was okay, but talking about it here, I'm gonna throw it to you. Can you catch?
All right, here we go. Do it for a...
Do it for a...
He's watching you right now.
Yeah! If you call her Miss Carrie, everybody, Cheyenne Burrants, everyone.
All right, your next comedian is on the inside, works here with the Killtony production
team, makes the noise for Michael Ridley, everybody.
Michael Ridley, you know what it's been on this show before
It's good to be here at the comedy mothership. Oh, I don't know if you guys know this it's super hard to get tickets here, right?
Yeah, it's even harder to perform here. I don't know if you guys know this but you have to provide three liberal scalps to the booker. I
Yeah, I got him in little boils like shit dude. This one's trans lives matter This one's black lives matter, and I think this one worked at Barnes and Noble. Oh
I've got a white wife
All right, thanks for your supportive interracial marriage, Texas. I know it's still illegal out this bitch
I
Me and my wife get a lot of weird reactions when we got into public.
Like, we were walking down the street the other night
and these two upset Trump supporters pointed to us
and said, you see that goddamn transgender couple
walking down the street?
And I get it if they think I'm trans, bro.
My mustache looks like I've been on T for three months.
Like I'm just out here rocking this Mexican middle schoolers
mustache, I just. Yeah, I look like I'm just out here rocking this Mexican middle schoolers must-ass, I just...
Yeah, I look like I'm too poor to afford to identify what I identify as.
I look like a trainee that ran out of money halfway through, I just...
Thanks guys.
Alright, Michael Ridley, going a lot of jokes in 60 seconds.
Welcome back, Michael.
Hi, Thoney.
I don't know why I got
Hella Asian there for a second.
Okay, that's my job.
Hi, Hans. What kind of Asian are you, Michael?
I'm Filipino. Hans, what do you think about this?
It's only half Asian, but I respect,
I respect your good half.
Yeah, kind of sucks being half Asian and half white.
Like, I don't have like the stereotypical attributes
that you'd want from either of those groups.
Like, I have white brain and a medium dick.
Like, I have, no, no, I have, yeah,
I have white brain and a small dick actually.
I fucked that joke up, Tony.
Yes, you did.
God, damn.
Debanis reacting in a whore.
Yeah.
So Michael, what's going on?
Tell us something in this interview portion
that we don't know about.
You've been on the show multiple times.
Give us something compelling.
You watch the show.
You're here every single week.
Yeah, I'm here every single week helping out,
watching people bomb.
Sure, but what about your life?
We know what that goes on in the show, yes.
My life, dude, it's been, dude, honestly, moving to Austin has been pretty dope. I actually,
this has probably been the most I've ever done stand up in one year. December marks 10
years in comedy for me, but this last year I've been in Austin has been all the growth
condensed in one year, dude. I've been on more paid shows than I've ever done. I fucking started a podcast dude.
I fucking sold...
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, I did.
Fucking radio, Ridley radio.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
We just riff for an hour every week.
We do characters and voices.
It's pretty chill.
I fucking...
I opened a merch store, which is a huge fucking mistake
at where I'm at in my career.
Who's a merch are you selling? Mine? Yeah, that is a huge fucking mistake at where I'm at in my career. Who's the murderer you've selling?
Mine?
Yeah, that is a huge mistake.
The first, no, I'm gonna tell you right now,
the first 50 shirts, right out the fucking window.
Thanks to the show, like a lot of people were coming out
of the woodwork, buying my shirts, it was pretty dope.
Really?
Huh? Really?
Yeah, okay.
They sold out in the first like week and a half,
I sold 50 shirts.
Wow.
And then people were like, dude, when are you gonna
restock shirts, when you're gonna restock
shirts, when you're gonna restock them.
So I restocked the fucking shirts,
and now I have 300 fucking shirts in my one bedroom apartment,
dude.
And they all have my face on them.
So I'm just in a room full of fucking shirts with my face
on them, and I fucking, I didn't go through China.
I went through a small business in America,
a huge mistake.
Do not, don't buy American dude, fuck that shit.
We don't, get a drop ship from China dude,
make children do it, it's way cheaper.
It's a huge fucking mistake dude.
Mm-hmm.
What else Michael?
What's something about,
do you have any special skills or talents other than comedy?
I could do like voices, characters, I could sing, I can focus.
What kind of singing can you do? What's a good song?
I could just make up a song if you want to make up a song.
Can you sing something that we would know or why would you make up a song?
I don't know, I could do like a system of a down song.
You can? What song?
Yes I can! No, that's not system of a down.. You can? What's up? Yes, I can.
No, that's not system of a down.
No, you can.
Tony can't.
You literally can't.
Maybe not.
Yeah, let's not do that.
That's not supposed to.
That's like system of a downs or something.
System of a down syndrome.
Yeah, for sure.
Oh my god.
I didn't know.
I didn't know I was going to get fucking pulled tonight.
Do it.
I'm just starting out for like six, five months.
No one ever knows if they're going to get pulled.
Isn't that crazy how that's the show works that you work for? Yeah, I know. I had no idea. I was going get fucking pulled tonight, dude. I'm sorry, I'm for like six fucking months. No one's ever knows if they're gonna get pulled. Isn't that crazy how that's the show works
that you work for?
Yeah, I know.
I had no idea I was gonna get pulled
and I fucking shocking, stunning.
Almost like they were pulling names on a bucket.
Yeah, it was like 200 motherfuckers every week
and I'm like, goddamn, of course.
And I'm like, in a low right now,
I'm not doing too good, bro.
Why are you in a low?
Honestly, bro, I don't know what the fuck happened.
I've like lost the fire a little bit, dog.
I'm not even gonna lie.
I was fucking working my ass off.
It's like a year ago, bro.
I had so much fire.
And I don't know what the fuck is at it.
You know what, to pick you up a little bit,
you know what we're gonna do?
I'm gonna buy a t-shirt from you.
You're down to 349, my friend.
God, dude, please.
Michael Ridley, we're gonna keep it moving.
There he goes.
Thank you guys. It's a great system of a down impression there.
I'm system of a down. It wasn't summer, it's a pastime activity.
It was literally the worst system of a down impression. I mean, humanly possible.
A blatant, deep, strong voice. I could sing this dumb up and down.
I guess the whole band's confused.
So much toxicity in our city.
Alright.
Nobody else thought that was crazy?
I was like, well, I can sing. Have you heard of the system of it now?
Summer of friendship!
Alright, make some noise to your next bucket poll.
Oh, in the Galavan, everybody.
Is a new name for sure.
Oh, in the Galavan.
Here he is.
Hey, everybody.
Guys, I think it's funny that we use the word skinny to refer to people that are thin I think it should be the opposite. I think we should use the word skinny to refer to people that are overweight
Because who has more skin than them
They are covered in it. You guys, they are so skinny.
I think it would make them feel better too, you know?
Got into the doctor instead of being called morbidly obese.
Doctor could be like, listen, you're dangerously skinny right now.
You're actually my skinniest patient.
And then I think we could just call thin people
something else that made sense, you know?
Like hungry.
Or annoying.
Or, oh, you think you're fucking better than me?
I am getting older, you guys.
I'm getting older.
So it happened to me last week that maybe feel really old.
Went on a date with a girl that didn't know what my space was.
Can you guys believe that 16 years old didn't know what my space was?
Thank you.
All right, Owen Galiband. Welcome to the show, Owen. How are you?
I'm good, how you doing?
Fantastic. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? Four years four years. We're at I started in Worcester, Massachusetts
Oh, yeah, there you go
That's all you need to know about Worcester right there. Yeah
And I've been here like a year and a half so I've been here for a year and a half.
So, I've been here for one year and a half.
What do you do for work?
I'm an engineer.
Ooh, okay, what kind of engineer?
Mechanical by degree, but right now,
working as an industrial engineer.
Okay.
Just like process improvement on a manufacturing floor.
Right.
Okay, I love that.
That is incredible. What do you like to do for fun,
oh, and when you're not doing stand up?
I skateboard and play disc golf a lot.
Has anyone ever told you that you look like Daniel Day
Dinklage?
No.
That's a new one.
I know.
Who that is?
That's not a real person.
That's a combination of Daniel Day Lewis, which is what I think is face and hair kind of reminds me of.
And Peter Dinklage, I combine them to make a 3D joke, Daniel Day Dinklage.
Because Dinklage is a midget, and he kind of has midget features.
He does.
He does.
He is. It's like a, yeah. Daniel really bad day Lewis or something like that
I'm just I'm a sure guy perhaps your mom ate mushrooms and her second try
my story happened earlier don't worry about it so Owen what else about you tell
us something interesting about your entire life. How old are you? 30. 30. Okay. You don't look a day over 52. I love it.
That's what you said last time. But you were on the show before?
Yeah. The first one here actually.
The first one ever at the Mother's Show. And how did that go?
Well, well, nice. Yeah. What else did I say in the interview? Did I make fun of you any other ways that you remember?
Yeah, you said I looked like a pedophile in the victim, maybe someone like that.
Okay.
And then you went and grew facial hair after that.
No, I had just a mustache actually on that one.
Just a mustache.
So that makes sense.
So you did win and you grew more facial hair because I affected you. Because everybody laughed and you're like,
I was like, damn it.
You're a book.
Yeah, I love that stuff.
Oh, and what's your love life like?
Try it my best.
Not that great.
I, as we get, I met a British flight attendant,
thought it was going real well,
she saw a show that I hosted,
and then went to Barclays, she was like, no.
I was like, that's better. What way, how then when the bar closed, she was like, no.
I was like, that's fair.
What way?
How did she say no exactly?
I was like, do you want to go back to my place, and then she said, no.
That's all she said.
She didn't give you an excuse.
No, she was like, I'm flying out tomorrow early, but we all know what that means.
She was no.
Yeah, absolutely 100%.
She did not want to do anything with you.
Yeah, pretty upsetting.
Pretty upsetting.
There's guys out there with no use of their legs getting sucked off.
But meanwhile, you can't close with a British lady that has one night in America.
I know.
How long were you drinking with her before she completely rejected you?
A long time, I'm show ended at 11.
So, 11 to 2.
Wow.
Yeah, tough.
Three hours of hard work.
I'll never get up at it.
It was going really well where you're like, man, I think I got her.
Can you describe that moment to us?
There wasn't a real moment.
At one point, she was with her friends and her friend was dancing with my friend and
she was like, I hate dancing.
And I was like, same, let's go talk outside. And then I was like, ugh, I hate dancing and I was like,
same, let's go talk outside
and then I was like,
this will be something and then it was,
we talked for like an hour.
Outside?
Yeah, like I've been in the patio
or whatever, like brought our drinks outside.
We were at White Horse
and yeah, then we just talked for like an hour
and I was like,
oh, this is going well.
Well, as I go as well as I thought, obviously.
Right, but, right, Hans,
what do you think? I see a big smile on Hans' face.
Well, I've been in the situation many times.
Have you ever tried leaning in at any time
and going for a quick peck?
Did not lean in.
Pussy.
Just got to go for a dude.
So watch how Hans has evolved over the last two and a half years.
It's amazing.
A true Frankenstein of confidence.
Just calling people posse's right to their face now.
Hans used to literally get no action whatsoever.
He became a regular on Killtony.
It was banging chicks and janitors' closets that night.
How do you think your life would change
if you were a regular on Kyltony?
Do you think you would be able to close with women then?
If I couldn't, I'd be pretty upset.
But yeah, hopefully, I don't know.
Being a regular would, I'd assume, change, I should.
The regulars give you each a piece of advice
on how to close with women better. Hans, you go first, and we're going to assume change. I'm going to assume change. The regulars give you each a piece of advice on how to close with women better.
Hans, you go first and we're going to work our way down.
If you want to close with women, I would say maybe strike up an accent.
Your name is Eoken, pronounced Owen, so use that.
Maybe go with that as an Irish.
Hey.
Dude, I'm so bad at accents, but can you try one?
Can you just try a, be Spanish.
You're a Spanish, you're a Spanish super Spanish supermodel, your Spanish supermodel.
I'm a girl. Here we go. Hi, what's your name?
Ricardo. Ricardo, what do you do for work?
I'm a fucking soccer player dude. That's what Spanish people do right? I don't fucking know.
A man of door.
Yeah, you're right.
No accent for you.
Cam, what's your advice to close for Owen Gallivan?
I say, you got to look at the bits of her soul.
You gonna say, what?
How you doing, white lady, you good?
You want to rock?
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
Oh god.
Oh, she's squ shit. Oh shit. Oh
God oh she's squirting. Oh my god. This is incredible. Whoa
Amazing that really works
We're gonna fuck later
My god, you my rock bed. Do I like that?
So there you go got it it. Try and accent.
Look at a bitch on our soul.
Give her a rock.
Maybe it is your third piece of closing advice from the great William Montgomery, the only
one in a truly stable, healthy relationship in here he goes.
So I would first of all start going to grocery stores around the same time of evening, every evening.
You're going to start seeing some of the same people.
You're going to start being able to notice what they get, what kind of serials, what kind
of meets, whatever.
A couple of months in, you end up being at the meat department at the same time as the
chick.
And then you just start talking.
And then when you are kind of in line with her, you end up in line.
You get, I found these pills online
that you kind of, you crush up the pill,
you blow the powder,
and so you're gonna have to act like you're sneezing
at the woman, and then she's gonna get this powder in her.
And then once she gets the powder in her,
you can pretty much, she's like a fucking robot, dude.
You could fucking get her ass in the trunk.
Whatever you're feeling,
I mean, if you're feeling kind of angry or whatever, get their fucking stupid ass in the trunk, whatever you're feeling. I mean, if you're feeling kind of angry or whatever,
get their fucking stupid ass in the trunk.
If you're feeling nice, maybe get them up in a seatbelt,
but it's good to the grocery store more, is all.
That's how it's going to work every time.
I don't know.
What is a black history month back here?
What the hell is going on?
John, he's eating an actual chicken wing, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm, you know, what in the world is going on?
This is absolutely incredible.
Is there a tostada for Michael Gonzalez as well?
I love it.
You know what I'm going to do here?
I feel like there's one more person that could give good, simple, closing advice.
I'm going to check in with D-ManusD.
What would you recommend for this guy
to learn how to close with a woman?
Damn.
That's a firm.
Let me see.
I have to be honest with you. I don't know exactly what to tell, Viska.
Even D doesn't think you have a fucking chance.
Brutal, dude.
Absolutely incredible.
There's nothing we can do for you, Owen.
Yeah.
What did you get last time you were on this show?
Little joke book?
No, I got no
Joe books. I did get secret show but I got no you got nothing at all no
Mementos no
Here's a little joke book
Congratulations, there he goes Owen Galiband everybody
All right, we're having fun here. We're moving along. We're at a really good pace. A lot of bucket pulls.
Makes some noise for your next one, Zachary Miller, everybody.
Here we go.
Right down the barrel.
Who knows?
Anyone of these nights like this is where we found
a lot of different people.
Here's Zachary Miller, everybody, without a doubt,
the Killtony debut.
Zachary Miller, clap for Zachary Miller, everybody.
Thank you.
My name's Zach, and I had sex for the first time recently, people. We're gonna be a real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real real Pants down. It was one of those situations that was too good to be true. You know, I woke up, my ass was hurting, and I was like,
oh my God, that was not a he-slash day.
It was one of those my-slash-uncles.
Again, this trickster.
Bad luck with, yeah, man, bad luck with ladies, man.
The one girl I was seeing for a little bit told me
she couldn't go on dates with me,
because she wasn't over her ex boyfriend who died
Don't know if you guys have ever been cop locked by a zombie before but that stinks
You know we got this huge fight over it and I've know where she was like fuck you Zach yourself ish and short
I was like well that's insane because no matter where I go in life. I'll always be at least six and a half feet above your ex
And that's my jokes, guys. Thank you.
I love it. Exactly a minute.
I love that, Seth.
Favorite set of the night so far for me.
Zachary Miller, welcome. How long you been on standup?
Five months.
Five months. Wow. Very good.
All of it here in Austin.
No, I'm actually from Fort Lauderdale
and I'm visiting for the weekend. It's fucking awesome here, dude.
It is awesome here.
No doubt about it.
This is so much fun.
We just spent the entire weekend in Florida.
We couldn't wait to get back here.
It's true.
This is fucking the best place.
And what else have you done for fun since you've been here?
Honestly, just open mics, going to bars,
not talking to women, but looking at them.
So it's been going well.
You're looking at them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm looking at them.
Is that your natural, you have that natural Jerry curl like that?
Jerry curl?
Jerry curl?
What's a Jerry curl?
It's a Jerry curl.
Oh, I guess you have to explain that.
I don't know what a Jerry curl is.
I have to explain that.
You definitely won't know what a Jerry curl is.
So you're here naturally just fluff like that. Do you do something to that? I forgot all my hair a cherry curl is. You definitely won't know what a cherry curl is. You're here naturally just fluff's like that.
Do you do something to that?
I forgot all my hair products on the plane.
What type of products do you use?
Okay, so how old are you?
I'm 22.
Right, okay, perfect.
Good.
Hair products?
Yep.
Curl talk.
Very good.
My sister uses it.
It's actually really good.
Curl talk?
Curl talk?
Curl talk. It's a woman's product, but it's so good. Does it curl it more? It curls it more, and it makes it really good. It's actually really good. Curl talk, curl talk. It's a women's product, but it's so good.
Does it curl it more?
It curls it more, and it makes it really good.
It's so good.
It's unbelievable what's going on here.
I cannot imagine it looks like you've
used all the curl talk in the world tonight.
I cannot imagine what your hair would look like
with even more curl talk.
That is incredible.
No, don't play Girl Talk.
I knew you were going to do that.
As soon as he said Girl Talk, I'm like, I bet Red Band's hands are flying around at
iPad right now.
Have you heard of Girl Talk?
I have not.
It's a band.
It's a musician from Cleveland, Ohio, that famously used to mash up music.
Oh, he doesn't do it anymore because I think it's a lot of people
complain copyright.
Yeah.
It's like the ultimate copyright infringement,
but we've always been a big fan.
So 22, you have one of the most beautiful birds
and asks that we've ever seen in our entire lives.
So what is your life with the ladies' like?
I mean, you talked about picking up with a he day.
What's really going on there?
That's true.
Yeah, yeah, I didn't find out until like a while ago,
because I followed on Instagram after.
And it was literally in her bio,
it was like, he slashed there, I was like,
what the fuck?
Nothing against it either, like, I was just like,
what was different about her,
other than her calling herself a he day?
She was a comic.
She was a comic?
Yeah, yeah, that's what a lot of deals.
In Fort Lauderdale.
Yeah, and she was also...
These people are like, you're age.
So you're kind of dealing with this like woke era of people that want a virtue signal, especially
since you're in Fort Lauderdale, a place that has a little bit of an average higher income.
So it's a bunch of rich kids that have never really seen
any absolute fucking, any fucking trouble
or drama or real life struggles on the streets.
So they're a little bit more virtue signaling
than even other places.
And there you are dealing with it.
So when she says he, they, you're literally, you say,
oh, that's cool, but in real life, you're literally like,
I don't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck, yeah, not good. But you have to play along he, you're literally, you say, oh, that's cool, but in real life, you're literally like, I don't give a fuck.
I didn't give a fuck, yeah, not dude.
But you have to play along because you're 22.
Yeah, exactly, I do what I gotta do.
But, um, there's still a bit of man in these boys.
Yeah, man, we have a fuck.
It's just like this younger generation,
because it's like when Luke thinks that Darth Vader,
there's still a little bit of good left in him.
You know what I mean?
I can't.
That's what your testosterone is like.
That's what I'm like.
All right.
So what is the manliest thing about you Zachary?
The manliest thing about me?
Yeah, man.
What do you do that's like a tough guy thing?
I school with Dive.
I school with sharks, dude.
I go in their habitat.
That's pretty manly if you have a swimming.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm a little bit of a little fishies.
Yeah.
Only nurse sharks though.
What do you do for a living 22-year-old?
I just graduated and so I was,
I work at a law office, but I was going to was gonna go to law school, I was like fuck that shit.
So, yeah.
No cap?
Yeah.
Do I sound that retarded up here? I'm sorry dude.
It's okay, you don't sound, you look retarded, but you don't sound that good.
What did you graduate with the degree in?
Uh, criminology and anthropology? Criminology and anthropology.
Criminology?
Initial biology.
Hell yeah, dude.
Hell yeah.
So criminals and fucking rocks.
No, that's a geologyology.
Come on, man.
Oh shit.
Who's the retard now, everybody?
Oh, shit.
System of a damn.
Yeah, you're fucked.
Oh shit. It's a retard now, everybody. Oh, damn, system of a damn. Yeah, you're fucked.
Oh, shit.
So Zachary, what is a 22-year-old like you
in Fort Lauderdale do for fun?
Open likes, and that's it.
It's not fun around there.
Oh, and other than that, there's
got to be something else.
A little guilty pleasure.
You do some laser tag with the homies or something like that. I don't know.
I've been trying to look for more,
because I just moved back home,
so I'm still trying to figure all that out.
But I hear a little bit of like,
there's a little bit of a twang in your accent
that I don't recognize as Fort Lauderdalean.
Do you have like African-American friends
or something like that?
Do you just watch, yeah, you do?
Broward.
Broward.
Yeah.
Right. But that's not where Fort Lauderdale is, is it? No, you do. Broward. Broward. Yeah. Right.
That's, but that's not where Fort Lauderdale is, is it?
No, it is.
It is.
Yeah.
OK.
But I'm also from like the whitest neighborhood in Broward.
We know.
That's why I'm asking you why you sound like that.
Because I'm cool.
Can you?
Right off the top of your head is fast as you can.
Name your top five black friends names go.
Uh, Springer! Kevin! Kevin sounds white. Straight again.
We've only got Springer so far. Five. We're looking for five black friends.
No, you just met him. You've been up here for seven minutes. You can't just catch him.
Hold on, you're at one.
We have Stranger. Take note that he sounds black, but cannot name
Black friends. Everybody. We're at one.
Big Pedro.
Big Pedro is black.
Big Pedro is black.
Big Pedro is not black.
He's not black.
No, he's not.
Pedro is Puerto Rico.
Oh, he might again. No, he's not a Puerto Rican nigga. Pedro is Puerto Rican. Oh, he might be no shit
Still at one still at one take note that I fucking nailed this everybody take note. I fucking knew it
One you're at one you have springers so far. He's not even my friend anymore to be honest
We're at zero. We are at zero. Keep playing the fucking fucking music keep on. I'm not giving up on you
Give you a minute. Yeah, I know
Shit, we're you're going for your black friends everybody. I you know
criminology
Zero we are holding strong
Springer is gone cam is my friend
I just can't think right now I got black friends. I fucking
Does that the thing? I just win white people sound black and they're not really like really really really really really really really really really really really really really from black culture
It's one of the most annoying things for people that were born and raised in all black neighborhoods.
Do I sound like?
I talk like this.
Anyway, why aren't you and Springer friends anymore?
And they will made us, Springer!
That's a spinger! That's not a real fucking person!
Well they're good at sprinting, uh, Springer!
He's a poison, he was sprinting niggas together, you know? That's his name! That's his name!
Yeah, Sprint and Niggas, yeah! That's his name! I got that!
I love the big Pedro enter the chat on this one.
Literally, we're all like, what the fuck?
I would immediately, it took three guesses
to go all the way to Puerto Rico.
Yeah.
Hey, yo, have you sounded black up here?
With my geology?
Shit.
Don't you hate it when white people sound bad?
Yeah, I wouldn't even imagine being a comedian
and talking in a black voice ever.
No, Tony, I swear to God, I was on fucking YouTube the other day
and I just typed in my name
and I see some fucking video that says,
Will you Montgomery doing black voice number six?
I've been-
And I have a fucking weird, it's a hoosie.
So whoever's doing that, you better stop.
Holy shit.
Can you give us an example of like,
what one of the things is said?
I looked at it for a second and I clicked off.
I was horrified.
I was like, hold on, is this a bad,
what's going on here? I couldn't even oh
Yeah, there is a
bunch of them. Oh my god, and they put them in black. Yes, and I'm in black
So I was very excited about that. Oh my god, and these compilations are so long
11 and a half minutes number two is
Holy shit! 11.5 minutes number two is... All lights out!
Montgomery!
Oh shit!
Oh it's not edited very tight at all.
Wow!
Okay, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter.
We're gonna get flagged by YouTube, prepare for home YouTube video on our YouTube channel.
He's gonna flag us, just kidding.
Um, okay.
Have you thought of any black friends
since the last time we checked in with you?
I was just so nervous.
What's the most bonding moment
you've ever had with a black person?
I made a really good play in basketball.
I think it's a finish.
You don't ever see any black people
when you're down there scuba diving.
You don't see them at the bottom of the ocean floor.
The bottom?
Oh my God.
Oh my God, is that Springer?
Yeah.
Zach, you had a great set.
You are very promising at 22 years old.
My recommendation would be to get the fuck out of Fort Lauderdale.
Here's a big joke book.
Don't you don't need to shake hands.
Cam, stop shaking everybody's hands.
Zachary Pillar everybody.
These people's mediocrity is gonna rub off on you and we don't need that.
We still have in fun out there, huh?
Here's another bucket poll.
It's a one word name.
Those are usually the most fun or insane.
Let's see what happens.
Make some noise for Milky, everybody.
Milky.
Here comes Milky.
Oh, hell yeah.
Absolutely.
Do you have a moment to talk about the Lord?
Good, because I don't either.
I have been called Milky over 20 years,
longer in my government name.
People use my government name and controls me off.
I used to be called things like Fat Boy Chubs,
Pillsbury Door Boy.
That's all behind me now because of diabetes. Used to be fat, ridiculously fat for my age.
So I would always pray and ask whoever, I don't care how, just make me skinny, just make
me skinny and then diabetes, just like, needful things I got to pray.
What I wanted for the price of a tiny major organ.
Oh, the world's pretty crazy right now if you haven't noticed. What I wanted for the price of a tiny major organ.
Oh, the world's pretty crazy right now if you have a notice. Just be respectful to each other, love one another,
but don't be afraid to quote Ezekiel 2517
if somebody's giving you a hard time.
I'm Milky, thank you.
All right, Milky.
Fuck yeah, how's it going my friend?
How are you?
I'm doing all right.
You've been on this show before, Greg.
Yes sir, yes sir, I look a little different now.
Absolutely, what happened?
Becoming a cowboy, more or less step by step.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah, the shirt fits a little better this time.
No tie, got the hat, got the hat got a poncho right next is boots well
Yeah, there you go
Your setups were good your punch lines were bad and your look is ugly so it all makes sense
You have a you have a
All right
Milky what do you do for a living?
I run the B.Y.O.B. bar you run a living? I run the BYOB bar.
You run a BYOB bar?
Yeah, so it's nothing at all.
We don't have a liquor license.
It's a game room.
It's up in Wells Branch.
OK, how far away is Wells Branch?
How long do you have to ride your horse up there?
Take about 18 minutes and two seconds.
What the fuck?
Shit's wild. All right, let's play a little game name all of your black friends. Here we go one two three four Here we go play the fucking
Kevin Jamal James
Shit shit. Oh
Stuck it for here folks him. There's another James, but that doesn't count
I'm gonna go with Zeus
Nope, we're sorry that doesn't count hit the
There it goes all right guys. That's it when you hear hey sus you know it's over everyone
This is becoming one of my quickly one of my favorite games to play with what extremely white people
It's funny how they can't make it to five black names,
without being a big panelist.
Hey, Suce.
Pablo.
Kevin.
And they let me say, I see Cam, fuck it.
Yeah, they keep trying Cam.
They're like, ugh.
All right.
So Milky, you've been on this show before.
Remind us of some of the highlights of your interviews
real quick, as fast as you can.
What we found out about you that was interesting.
Sam Talon, have baby mama in North Carolina, don't get to see my kid like the chameleon I
had.
When's the last time you saw your kid?
Last year, February when I left.
And how did that go?
It was kind of weird.
Why?
She didn't expect me to show up at her house.
Oh, okay.
So you broke a restraining order by late.
I can't get no contact.
So like I just showed up, tell her that I'm leaving.
You know, to go pursue this.
Oh boy.
Uh, gave her all my information and then, uh,
you know, the next day I left.
Was the mom cool with you showing up at the house?
Oh, she wasn't even there.
Yeah, her mother was watching. So you pulledly old like Michael Myers thing or something like that
You just kind of appeared down a hallway. Hello daughter
She does kind of look like me though. Yeah, all right Milky how old are you?
I'm 40 how long have you been attempting to wait your 40. Yeah, wow your six months older than me
I know right holy shit. I know, right?
Holy shit.
I think we'd be good friends, but she's the best man.
She's the best man.
I'm gonna fucking blow my goddamn brains out.
She's a scryce, almighty.
No, no, put it away, put it away.
Um, okay, what do you guys think about Milky?
We're gonna get him outta here quickly here.
Milky, you're diabetes line line even though it got zero laughter
I think was my line of the night thus far because the first part had nothing really to do with it was so confusing to me
It made me laugh really hard so congratulations, Lucky. It was so fucking
You might want to rewrite that we want to see type two of that type of
You might want to rewrite that. We want to see type two of that type of chick.
I messed it up.
Camp Patterson, what do you think about Milky?
You left your kids to do comedy?
Well, yeah.
No, I was getting in contact anyway, so...
Okay, okay, it's fucked.
Oh, it's gay for both.
No, she's alright.
I'll try it without...
You don't need to be mean.
Good job.
Hun's Kim.
I feel like you like snakes.
I did originally.
When you say originally, what happened to where you stopped liking snakes?
Well, my mother wouldn't let me get one.
Who wouldn't let you get one?
My mother.
Your mother.
Yeah, she said no snakes.
Was this last week?
Yeah.
All right, Milky, you're an e-hospital book.
I got one last time yet.
OK, there he goes, Milky, everybody.
We're flying through it.
I promise.
We're getting there.
This is indeed.
We are on pace for the most bucket pulls
of the year that we've had on the show.
Make some ice for your next comedian, Chase Tucker,
everyone. Chase Tucker.
Okay, here we go, Chase Tucker.
What the fuck is up, Austin?
How y'all doing?
Thank you.
Thank you.
Fuck, this is a crazy experience.
How y'all doing over here?
Cos?
Oh, fuck.
Sorry.
Shit. Last time I was in Austin, Texas. I fucking Mesh a kilo new that shit was crazy
Yeah, shook my hand about put my fucking arm off
Earlier today somebody tried to suck my fucking winner
In the bathroom of a bar. it was kind of a surreal experience.
Cam, I got a rock special for you.
Nothing gay though, nothing gay though.
But, uh, shit, I can't see.
But, uh, the only reason why I'm wearing this has, because, uh, fucking, uh, lady told me I can't see. But the only reason why I'm wearing this hat is because the fucking lady told me I was wearing
it.
Lady told me my fucking chicken was little, so this is a chicken little hat, so that's just
how it is.
I don't even...
Fuck yeah, dude, absolutely.
I'm going to cut you off right there.
I'm going cut you off right there. I'm gonna step in.
I'm gonna stop the bear from jumping in.
I'm gonna stop this slow, slow,
verbal suicide that you're doing.
This is absolutely incredible.
Welcome to the show, Chase.
Have you ever tried stand-up comedy before?
This is my first time.
This is your first time.
Where are you from, Chase? I'm from Kansas. Have you ever tried stand-up comedy before? This is my first time. This is your first time.
Where are you from, Chase?
I'm from Kansas.
Kansas.
You kind of sound a little urban.
Let's play a little game.
Name your top five black friends, right?
Into the tip of that microphone.
And here we go.
I got a tray bomb.
I got Dianne Shrey.
I got a twin.
I got a one more time.
I was about to keep on.
He's got to keep on.
He tried.
He's got no name.
Isaiah.
And Isaiah.
Isaiah and Isaiah?
OK, yeah.
We lost you there at the end for sure.
Big A-sort.
They make, they make.
Try mine and twin.
It was some niggas.
Those really are.
Try mine and twin.
That's exactly what I was thinking. you and I are on the exact same face
Twin is a real one for sure
That is incredible
Give people though no doubt that was actually the next the next thing I was gonna go for well
How do you know twin exactly and what does he do for a living I met him at the bar?
God damn it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We are on the same page here, absolutely.
So Chase, what do you do for work?
I'm a bartender.
Bartender in Kansas City?
No, just Kansas.
Well, I guess Oklahoma.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
All right. Oh, man. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
All right.
You, you quick state changes there.
Someone's definitely on parole right now.
OK, so you're a bartender.
Very, very interesting.
How long you been doing that for?
Six months.
OK.
You seem like you wouldn't be good at it.
Can you make...
Can you give me the ingredients of an old-fashioned?
Is that sugar, some part made or something like that?
Nope.
Oh, what the fuck?
Nope, no sugar.
Nope, it's a salt sugar.
Sugar would be another one of your black friends though.
Okay.
So, how about a vodka soda?
Can you tell us how to make a vodka soda?
Vodka and club soda?
There you go.
All right.
There was a trick question, but you handled it very well.
You looked at me like I was stupid.
Meanwhile, you were telling us that you met Shaq and you almost got sucked off in a bathroom
earlier, and that was the extent of your 60 seconds.
Can you describe the suck off in the bathroom thing better?
Who tried to suck your deck?
Shiz, I couldn't give you all the details on that one.
You just made it up?
No, it was, it happened.
Who were you paying for?
40, was it twin?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
some 40-year-old dude. Yeah, the bar, I don't know where the bar was, but I don't know. 20 years old dude. Some 40-year-old dude?
Yeah, the bar.
I don't know where the bar was, but I don't know where the bar was.
You don't know where you were when this happened.
What do you do for drugs?
We pretty much it.
You ever suffer any brain trauma when you were younger?
Probably a lot, yeah. Yeah, probably a lot.
You had brothers growing up.
Why, yeah?
Yeah, and he's an older brother.
Younger.
Younger.
But you guys would wrestle around a lot.
You guys had a trampoline growing up?
No, no trampoline swimming pool.
Above ground swimming pool.
Yes, now.
Yep, above ground swimming pool.
No doubt about it.
Um, okay.
What's your love life like, Chase?
Pretty sad to be honest.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
How often do you wear that stupid fucking hat?
I only wear it for this occasion.
Right.
What did you think that that was going to like...
I was always frown out my mind.
I said, fuck it.
Fried out of your mind on marijuana?
Yesor.
Right.
Okay.
All right, you have mesh shorts.
We can clearly see your penis.
It's incredible.
Absolutely amazing.
I'm gonna see your chicken little and your eggs.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Push out, push out.
All right.
All right, Chase.
Well, we're going to keep flying through it here tonight.
It was nice to meet you, buddy.
Thank you.
There you go.
Congratulations.
Here's a little joke, Buck.
Chase, stop.
Appreciate it.
There you go, everybody.
Chase, Tucker, stop shaking people's hands.
Stop shaking their hands, guys.
Ignore them.
To the love of God.
Cam. Cam.
You'll have to stop. You're getting us in trouble.
You'll have to fuck it stop. Oh my God.
Please.
All right. Let's see if this is a real human being.
Joe Smith, everybody. Joe Smith.
Okay, here he is, Joe Smith.
Watching pregnant porn is illegal,
but it sure starts to feel like it's illegal
when all you watch is pregnant porn.
I think I identify as a sexual one I'm not horny. I've been waiting ever
since Gweneth Paltrow dropped her can't candle. I've been waiting for Taylor Swift to
drop a candle that smells like the space between her pussy and asshole.
It seems like something the uppity bitch would do.
Thank you.
Ever since I got off my bipolar medication? That's not the joke. Ever since I got off my bipolar medication. That's not the joke.
Ever since I got off my bipolar medication, I have a really strong opinion about what's happening
in Gaza.
If you're Jewish, you won't like that opinion.
There we go.
Okay, what's the opinion?
Similar to Kanye West, is opinion.
Car-
Yeah, I feel like he was on Lex Pro, I was on Lex Pro.
Now we both, we have issues.
We're working them out.
What is the issue?
What is the thing that you have in common with?
Car-N-A West?
I don't want to say Alex Jones, I feel like also has that opinion.
Anti-Semitism, but it's not my choice.
Can you tell us what you don't like about the Jews?
No, I love Jews.
I love Jews.
I feel like it's a side effect of the medication that I'm on.
What is the side effect that make?
What do you feel about them? I mean, I love on it. What is the side effect that make it, what do you feel about them?
I mean, I love bagels.
That is prosemitism right there.
Yeah, it adds up.
But I feel like they need more than the bagels right now.
Right now, I feel like they need more.
They need to have more.
More locks.
More locks on the bagel.
I think it would help them out.
They're being Jewish with the locks, that's what you're saying.
Yeah.
Right.
Very good.
Very good.
Look at this.
All right.
Right now, I feel like I can get traded to Hamas.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right, what would you do for them?
Dance.
Can you give us an example of the dance you would do?
One, two, three, four.
Here we go.
All right, okay, I'm gonna stop you there.
I feel like it was too jiuy of a dance for Hamas.
Right, yeah, for sure.
They would shoot you immediately.
Yeah, they would, that would get me killed.
They would shoot you with one of their little rock guns or whatever they have.
Yes.
They don't have much.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay. So you were just on the show recently.
I was just on here, yeah.
Unforgettable charisma.
Thank you.
Some people call autism.
Yeah.
Yeah, for sure.
How is your life changed since you were on Kiltoni?
How about how to use the Narcan yet?
That's good.
That's good. When's the last time they had to use the Narcan on you?
No, not yet, but it's coming.
How do you know it's coming?
You've been doing a lot of street blow?
No, I feel like last time I like overselled the amount I do cocaine, it's just like special
occasions like funerals, literally games.
Just like stuff like that, just like stuff I need it.
How long even wouldn't stand out?
I've been doing it three years.
And what do you do for a living?
I'm a bartender.
That's right, another bartender.
Yeah.
Kansas or Oklahoma.
Texas.
Hell yeah.
Austin, Texas.
It's true. Texas. Sure you live
Yeah, I live in Waco. That's right. I remember the church burn down at yeah
Was there anything else that you feel like you should have a could have shared in that last interview that we would have found interesting
Don't vaccinate your kids because they'll turn out like me
Don't vaccinate your kids because they'll turn out like me. That's my message.
You got vaccinated as a kid.
My mom did it to me. I didn't choose.
Right, exactly.
Yeah, I feel like that's...
We're a baby at the time.
Yeah, this was...
And this is the result of that.
Do you get the COVID vaccine as well?
I did. I think it just made it worse.
Yeah.
It did. Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm also aware of the situation.
Yeah.
Absolutely. 100%. Guys, what do you think about Joe Smith? It did, yeah. I'm also aware of the situation. Yeah, absolutely.
100%.
Guys, what do you think about Joe Smith?
Is that your...
Oh, no.
I wasn't asking you guys.
I was asking the esteemed panel of regulars
that we have here that have to write and perform
in a new minute every week.
I believe this was Joe's second time on the show.
Second time, yes.
You guys have done hundreds of sets on the show.
What do you think about Joe Smith?
I like this nigga, man.
I like him.
I like him.
Yeah.
He just honest.
He fucking weird, but he honest.
Yeah, really?
Yeah, that's all I need.
He's a black guy.
That's it.
You like black guys, do you?
I just think they're approval.
All right.
Even.
So you have a lot of black friends?
None.
That's why I think that.
No approval.
Can I dab him up? Yeah friends? None, that's why. You can't.
Can I dabble more?
Yeah.
Come on, nigga.
Yeah, there it is.
Fuck yeah.
Shit, one of the weirdest handshakes I've ever seen in my life.
I got so excited.
It's so excited.
His hand hit the table on the left coat there.
That's better than Disneyland.
I should get that out of the Super Bowl.
Just shake cam's hand.
That'd be cool.
I like it, isn't it, go man?
Yeah.
Hans, what do you think about Joe Smith?
He's a fellow autistic medium.
I feel like he's the kind of white guy
my parents warned me about.
He got so close.
He's a very honest guy.
I love him.
He's like a comedy machine.
He just can't stop and won't stop.
Unless you have Narcan.
Yes.
William lights out Montgomery thoughts on Joe Smith.
I love to Joe, but only one fucking person can use a no card on stage.
You piece of shit.
I'm aware I can fucking do this to be a trademark of William Montgomery.
The last time you were on the show, you get a small joke book.
I got a big one.
Very good.
Well then, there you go.
Keep using it.
We'll see you again soon.
All right, you got it.
Thank you.
There you go.
Thank you, Joe Smith, everybody.
All right, we're getting to it now.
It's been a long episode.
This has to be the last bucket pull of the night.
So let's see what happens here.
It makes noise.
Your final 60 seconds on Interrupted going
to Joseph Filey, everybody.
Joseph Filey.
Oh shit, all right.
Oh, stay in, how are we doing?
I was recently talked about losing my virginity and now that I'm 28, it doesn't sound as cool
when I tell my friend she was 5'5", and 2'25". They're finally sober enough to do the math on
a thousand banging fat bitches in high school. And then the other problem was it was she had a Bible verse tattoo, now I don't have any tattoo,
so I don't really want to judge them. But the last thing I want to read on your back when I stick
to in your asses, dude, are others as they do to you, Jeremiah 29-12. Like, it can be way better.
Like, how about C.H.I.L.I.P. planted in soil and not sand? Joseph 26-1. You know what I mean?
Like, picture again a hand job and you read on a wrist. It, 26, one. You know what I mean?
Like, picture again a hand job
and you read on a wrist.
It's like, share the fruits of your labor
which your hands have created.
No, I'm good on that one.
How about swallow your pride,
wanting doubt, honey?
I don't know who said that one best.
The one I'm saying tonight.
Like, I think back and I look at it
and I saw the tattoo and I had a lot of bad ideas
or tattoos like I almost got rose on my hand. I don't know if you have anyone here with that.
Like that was real big when I was in high school and I was like looking back. That was probably
the worst one I ever seen because I'd never gone soft. Like the first time I ever tried
anal, I went soft because I read Do the Others that they do to you and I thought about
me sticking my dick in my ass. Alright, that's my time. Thank you.
Do you want to do others as they would do to you?
Why would you stick your own dick in your ass if it was to do unto others what they do to you?
Well I was thinking in a Tony Hingecliff mindset and I was putting about to stick something
so I was asked and I was like if Tony was here thinking about this he'd want to dick in
his ass too, so.
Well that, I can see what you would say about it.
Alright, there's your obligatory Tony Hinchcliffe gay joke applause.
Very good.
That was a first one.
Yeah, a whole episode.
Amazing.
Absolutely.
From one Ohio into another, I love you.
Ohioan?
Yes, sir.
One part of Ohioan.
Youngstown.
You're from Youngstown?
Yeah, old Hillbilly is in Ohio and Opio.
It's Ohio.
We're proud.
Sure.
What part of Youngstown are you from? Thebilly is in Hell in Opio. It's Ohio. We're proud.
Sure.
What party Youngstown are you from?
The East Side, Florida Ave.
Wow.
Yes, sir.
Okay.
And you're just visiting?
No, I moved down here.
How long ago?
Two months ago.
Two months ago.
Two months living in the budget end, signing up every Monday hanging out with a whole bunch
of okay comedians and I made it.
I love it.
Budget in.
So how much are you paying?
I finally got an apartment. I'm no longer homeless, I guess you would say. I love it. Budget in. So how much are you paying it? I finally got an apartment.
I'm no longer homeless, I guess you would say.
OK.
How many roommates do you have?
Just me.
I have your own apartment.
Yeah, I have a girlfriend, but I mean, the rents
included with my hand.
You know what I mean?
The rent is included with your hand.
I don't know what you mean.
Yes, if I had a roommate, this is my girlfriend right here.
Oh, very good.
Yes, do one to others.
Very good.
Okay.
So, how long did you spend living in the budget in?
About a month and a half before I found the apartment.
And how much?
All my money.
Every last dollar I had.
How much was that?
It was probably like 900 a week because the F1 shit started so they were charging like crazy money for every hotel
around here but I wanted to be right in Austin so I can be by the mothership in
here. Right okay. It seems to be working out for you slowly but surely I think you
talk a little fast. Has anyone told you that? Well yeah that's that's the 6th Street
cocaine I'm sorry. Did you do 6th Street cocaine? Half of it was, the other half burned a little funny,
so I don't think that was cocaine, but...
Oh!
Listen, Dare said the drug tests were important,
alright, I'm fucking testing drugs down here, that's what we do.
Are you?
Often on, I still have a job, like I work 50 hours a week,
but I mean... What do you do for work?
Amazon, I'm... You're a delivery driver? No, fuck, no, you... Bro, I gotta limp and I'm still having a job, like I work 50 hours a week, but I'm gonna do for work. Amazon. You're a delivery driver?
Fuck, I said it.
No, fuck, no.
Bro, I got a lamp and I'm fat.
I work on a computer.
Okay.
All right.
I didn't know that that was one of the Amazon jobs.
Well, someone has to got all of them retards to get you your fleshlates and whatever else
to sponsor in us.
You're in charge of guiding the retards?
Yes.
You?
I'm part of them. What do you mean? Who else is the retards? Yes. You?
I'm part of them.
What do you mean?
Who else is going to go to?
I speak their language.
You know how to speak the language.
Now, you're from Youngstown.
We've been doing a thing tonight.
Youngstown, including the East Side,
has a very high black population.
Can you name by their first names only five black friends
of yours go? Let's see. Jamal?
Is where you play the song that we've been playing online, but okay.
Jamisha?
Ooh.
Shenikwa?
Oh, I think he's making up.
I'm not making this shit up. There's one more.
Travion.
Ooh.
Travion.
Travion's a real one.
That's a rule.
That's right.
Shout out to Travion. He's my nephew. That's the only real one that I've ever had. How's right. Shout out to Travian, he's my nephew.
That's the only real thing about-
How do you have a black nephew?
Well, yeah, that's why I can make that joke,
and I feel comfortable standing here.
What?
It's like, you know, when people are like,
oh, I have a black friend, I can make that joke.
Well, I'm related.
I have a black nephew.
I can bring him to the mall with me.
And I feel cool about buying Jordans when they don't fit me.
But how do you have a black nephew?
You have a sister that made it with a black man?
I'm pretty sure that's how it happened.
I didn't ask.
I can't get any straight answers out of this guy.
I didn't ask her.
I didn't ask her for the details.
I never went on, I was never on porn hub.
And it was like, your steps has got ploughed by a black guy.
I never saw it.
I like your style.
Joseph, finally.
OK, what else do you like to do? What else do you want to do, Joe? I just want to. Joseph, finally. Okay, what else do you like to do?
What else do you into Joseph?
I just want to do comedy, man.
I do Amazon, I do mics, that's it.
Right, how many mics a week do you think you do?
Here none, honestly.
I bet, Christmas has come, it's I've been working
60 hours a week, so only two days I take off
there's Sundays and Mondays,
so I can hit the open mic here or hit you.
Right, well, you hit me today and it happened.
This is your first time on the show.
Yes, sir.
How do you think it went?
How do you feel?
I'll fucking take it, to be honest.
You want?
For a couple of lines in and a couple of tequila shots, I think I did all right.
I'll take it.
Yeah.
See, you really did cocaine today.
I mean, I'll go take a drug test tomorrow.
I don't think it was all cocaine.
There's definitely some cut in there.
How long have you been doing hard drugs for it?
You don't appear to be the guy that would be doing a lot
of drugs.
You're wearing a shirt that says, science, it works, bitches.
How do you think we make meth and LSD with science?
You think LSD came from a cave?
That shouldn't come from a cave.
It came from scientists.
And the CIA.
But you look like a scientist that came from a cave.
All right.
I don't know.
You know what though, it's since you're from Youngstown and I think you're very, very promising.
I think you need to slow down how fast you talk no matter what hard drugs you do so that
people can understand you better
But there's a big joke book. Joe Smith. There he goes
All right now I know I said it was a bucket bananas
And I know I said no golden ticket winners no regulars
And I'm gonna hold true to that
But we do have one special treat for you all to end tonight's episode. This man is neither a regular nor a golden ticket holder. He in fact is something entirely different.
He is a phenomenon, perhaps one of the most polarizing figures, not only in the history
of Kiltoni, but definitely in the Austin comedy scene. I mean, an absolute fucking wrecking ball absolutely loved by so many
He really grows on you after a while you have to kind of see him and know him
But I think you guys are gonna absolutely love him. He's been on this show before
I'm allowing him to do whatever he really wants tonight. We're just gonna let up rocket up here because this is indeed the one and only Austin's own
Casey rocket Indeed, the one and only Austin's own Casey Rockett. I really can't stay. Hell yeah, get lost.
Real traps.
Shit, come on now.
Get outta here.
I gotta get outta here.
Midnight I turned back into Kirsten Dunn,
so I just gotta keep moving.
Peter, please!
Oh no, yeah, real.
Big Uncle Ben Crow.
Get outta here.
Come on now, I'm just popping it.
I got nothing to lose. I know. Hell yeah. No, I gotta get of here. Get out of here. Come on now, I'm just popping it. I got nothing to lose.
I know.
Oh, hell yeah.
No, I gotta get out of here.
My buddy found some original oxy-cutting
and his attic last night.
So we're gonna get faded and watch
yelming highlights later.
Should be bad ass.
You move good for a big man, don't you?
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hey, Donnie.
Folks, a lot of people talk about me in California's over me. I'm Balexy Mississippi's over.
That's where I do a bunch of wipits and lose my son on a riverboat gambling trip.
How much will you credit me for the boy? It's okay, go with the nice man.
Get real.
I gotta get out of here.
I promise my buddy I would do G-Hot later, so I gotta get going.
Get out of here.
We're having fun.
Youngest guy around.
Nothing to lose.
There's being brave.
Oh, sorry about that.
Red pepper, sorry.
We're doing good.
Oh, yeah.
Never meet your heroes, folks.
We all know the Lorac speaks for the trees.
But in 2007, I saw him say the inward, okay.
I just got to keep moving Biden's trying to drone strike me right now. I could feel it. Good luck.
Yeah, it's real. Yeah, I hate Ambien, I'm glad you brought that up.
Last time I took Ambien, I accidentally donated my car to 1877 cars for kids.
Fucked up parties, I live in my car.
Now I got to live with all these little kids.
I'm going to live with all these little kids.
Breathe in, and we're having fun. Folks, there's no easy way to tell a child their parents are dead.
There's no easy way to tell a child their parents are dead.
There's no easy way to tell a child their parents are dead. There is a really, really fucking scary way to do it.
Hey! Get over here goofball.
You're dead, fell on the grill with Benihama's last night.
Not he was gonna pull through then they brought out the onion volcano.
He's fucking dead. And they brought out the onion volcano
It's fucking dead I lost my hat
Get real let me show you something I'll get out of here
Just a picture of me if I was really really strong so it's kind's kind of cool. Thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you so much.
Boom.
This is Casey Rockett.
A whole different thing.
A whole different anomaly, if you will.
A phenomenon.
An absolute rocket ship flying through space.
Thank you.
And there are so many things we could call him
and here he is, the one and only Casey Rocket,
a man who I famously have, I've always just let him do
whatever he wants.
He only want to have that real limitless timeline
or whatever bestowed upon you. And how about one more time for Casey Roth?
Thank you.
So Casey seems like you're doing a lot of work here in Austin, Texas.
You're getting a lot of...
Oh, there he goes, everybody.
We're going to have to get him in. Oh, you found him. So lot of... There he goes, everybody. We're in my hands.
You're on.
Oh, you found that.
Sorry, I'm not trying to do a bed.
I get really scared.
All right.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
What happened?
Nothing.
Hey.
How's it going?
So good today.
Hi.
It's going great.
Hanging out.
Being bad.
Mommy's a little stinker.
Being a brat. And, being a brat,
and just keeping it cool, spasin' out on some
old school shit and just keeping it nasty
with my boys tonight.
Absolutely hysterical.
He is a fucking, he leaves an imprint
on every show that he does here at the comedy mothership.
I go up usually obviously, kind of obviously towards the back end
of these lineups on some workout nights in the little room here. And I'll always know if Casey
Rocket has hit the stage that night. There'll be little pictures of a grimace or him or a random
people doing random things. There'll be Parmesan cheese packets or red pepper packets.
Sometimes there's a harmonica sitting on a ledge.
There's things, there's a lot of trademarks of the great...
Oh, there you go, see what I mean?
There are many trademarks of the man, the myth, and the legend.
And this guy fucking shakes rooms, you know?
We all have different sense of humors.
It's such an interesting thing. And you seem to turn the people that love silly shit
and the people that like smart shit both as fans.
You're able to win them both over.
Thank you so much, Tony.
That's a big honor.
It's so good to be here tonight.
To riff for all my friends and keep it nasty
and bust it wide open for all my crew.
And I think Santa is going to be pretty happy with that one.
That was really badass.
He's got about it guys.
William, you actually take Casey Rocket on the road with you and he features for you.
I believe you guys just did seven shows in Chicago.
We did.
Yeah, no. Casey's wonderful. Casey honestly is, in my opinion, he's without it
at the funniest person I've met while in Austin. I absolutely love Casey. There were, there's
always a couple of times, but I remember in San Diego, I was back in the fucking greenroom
probably way too high about to go on and And I'm here in KC, just destroy out there. And I'm thinking, how the fuck, am I gonna follow this guy?
And I wasn't able to, it turned into a disaster.
I left the stage really early.
Everybody's like, hold on, we paid money for this shit.
I was on stage like five minutes.
But wonderful job, KC.
It's wonderful to always see you.
Yeah, we were in Chicago.
Did you talk about it on the podcast?
What happened?
I just said the thing about how we had to pay the $1,500
to be in the freezer experience.
That was one of the darker moments of my life.
Is that there's two, you can pay.
There's two different tiers.
So 1,500 to be in the freezer.
And then 500 to be outside the freezer just listening and
that was kind of cooler. I was on the outside of it and I was going, you okay?
And you said, I'm so cold. I was praising.
So go give me out and I said, it's not like you got away the whole time or we don't
get a refund and you were cool about that, which was nice. Cam Patterson, you know Casey Rocket very, very well.
You just retired from being a door guy here, but you guys worked together as door guys here
at the mothership.
We locked in, man.
You guys said, we locked in for sure.
Of all the people who were locked in, probably it's us.
Yeah, definitely.
We don't have to be free.
You know about that package, right?
That one package?
That one package.
Oh, that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We got this one package and we keep it pretty cool.
We keep it pretty tight.
We keep it pretty tight.
All the time, man.
And then it's a gun.
No, no, we just got a package around the mother's sit.
We got a package.
We got a package around here.
Oh, a unit.
A unit.
OK, are you close with a lot of black friends?
A lot.
Yeah, hundreds.
We've been doing a thing tonight.
Your hundreds is a perfect answer.
We've been doing a thing tonight where
we asked some comedians to name five black friends using,
I guess, only their first names if you want, or you could do it anyway you want. But five of my black friends? Five of your black friends using I guess only their first names if you want or you could do it anyway you want but five of my black friends
Five of your black friends ready. That should be pretty easy go
James
Big John
James junior it was a father and a son James and James junior a
Big J that's big J. a son James and James Jr. Big J. That's Big J.
Oh, Chrison.
That's not a block.
I take it down.
I mean, Big J has, you know, our notoriously really tight.
Audrey Hepburn.
Nope, missed again.
God.
Raza Ghul.
That's a Batman guy.
I'm always one riff away from Raza Ghoul, I find that a lot.
Uh, Ocho Sinko.
Yeah.
And Donovan McNabb.
Donovan McNabb, very good.
Absolutely, those R&D to check stuff, we just got word in, those R-year Black friends.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, Kim.
Uh, you know Casey Rocket very, very well.
Yes.
Any take on anything you want to say about the great and powerful Austin Zone, Casey Rocket.
I mean, this is one of these guys.
I don't think you guys even understand, like, other than, like, the old, old, oldest guard in New York and LA,
I would put this guy out there to bury about anybody on the coast right now.
I mean, really, I don't think it gets much funnier.
And that's on a different set than what he did the four or five minutes you perform last time.
I mean, you're doing it all the time. I watch you.
There are things that you do.
Like, what's the...
Sometimes you keep a key in your mouth and pull it out.
The Dutchman's key? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I've been known to do the Dutchman's key from time to time.
He'll hide a key, he'll keep anew his cheek and do like, you know, five or ten minutes
of an act and then all of a sudden just, he pulls out a fucking key and that makes me run
around like a black person laughing.
I don't laugh like a white person when I see that at all.
Run around like Don of the McNap.
Yes.
One of my close friends.
Scramble in quarterback.
It's funny.
When Mother Ship opened, I, maybe the first couple
weeks, I did one of your David Lucas and friends.
And I went up pretty late in the show,
and I did the Dutchman's key.
And it was completely almost completely silent.
And I heard you.
It's not a good bit. but the Dutchman's key.
It's kind of like, so you give them a riff,
and then you keep a riff for yourself.
And that was a tasty little riff, just for me.
And it was totally silent.
I barf out the key.
I'm comfortable saying this,
because I don't do the Dutchman's key too often.
It's one of a special occasion thing.
I hit him with the Dutchman's key,
crowd goes, holy shit,
we don't like that.
Um, holy shit, actually, I kind of hate that.
And Tony's like, yeah, like way off in the disc.
I love it.
There's something about somebody secretly keeping a key
in their mouth for an inordinate amount of time.
And then pretending like they're choking it up
from the inside, that really cracks me up.
Hans Kim, ready to say something.
You think that's impressive?
You just see what Tony hides in his booty hole.
Wow!
There you go.
Hans, what do you fucking do that, dude?
You're gonna get us a job hole!
Little fucking hacky-chan over here.
I don't know.
I love it.
Casey, you're an absolute fucking sensation.
And thank you.
Thank you.
Unbelievable representative of a silly fucking comedy.
I really think, I mean, it's like if Robin Williams
smoked crack with a fucking, I don't even know what.
You're just something entirely different than everything
and I love it.
KC Rock, ladies and gentlemen, so fun.
The drawing is in from Ryan J. E-Feld, it's unbelievable, check it out at RyanJEBelt.com.
William promotes something, plugs something for the love of God.
William Montgomery everybody!
The William Montgomery show on YouTube, I do with KC.
Also my cameo is always please check them out on cameo
The new spokesman for dude white's williamont gum ring. I'm gonna hand for cam Patterson cam plug something
We got cam and white's coming out real soon. That's it
I got you guys and that's it
Cam and the whites the new show from cam Patterson. How about Hansa Kim. Everybody. Thank you guys
I got the kill-toney regular show Tuesdays, Hans Kim and friends on Wednesday
and I'm in Springfield, Missouri, Arlington, Virginia, Batavia, Illinois coming up.
Thank you. Hans Kim. These are the great regulars of Killtony. I have one more time for them, everybody.
Look at the drawing from Chris Rogers, everyone.
The three regulars.
Oh man, I'm going to buy that one.
That one's right.
I'm taking that one.
That's not for sale.
That's going to me.
Oh, I'm taking that one.
How about a hand for the best standband in the land?
Michael Gonzalez.
Paul Deemer on the horns.
Matt Mewling on the electric guitar,
the great John Feeze on the keys,
and that's the great D-Mannus on bass guitar, everybody.
Thank you to Joe Blasster, Red Rose,
Yellow Rose, and Injabuses.com, Hall of R,
Austin Security Arts, Service and Connect, mobile,
help, get an IV drip, use the public
to kill 15% for 15% off.
Err, I banned.
Check out the Sunset Strip, Comedy Club,
Sunset Strip, ATX.com.
We love you guys.
Thank you, good night everybody.
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