KILL TONY - #644 - KIRK FOX
Episode Date: January 9, 2024Kirk Fox, William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redb...an – 12/18/2023 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the desk
squad podcast network.
This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can
be found at Desquad.tv.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at TonyHinchcliff.com.
And the sunset strips my new comedy club in Austin, Texas go to sunsetstripatx.com.
And now here's a brand new episode of Killton.
Back on my stand up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this.
Vancouver, Portland and Seattle, your next January 25th, 26th and 27th.
And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand up Denver, Colorado, Cleveland,
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St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really
excited for you to see it. Taken some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of
them. Get tickets now at TonyHenchfoot.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the standup tour
for the rest of 2024.
It's all just performing in Austin and Kultone
from there, so hope to see you soon. I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new night of their lives tonight, huh?
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You guys ready to start tonight's episode?
You guys big fans of the show?
How many of you have been big fans of the show for a long time?
Well, you guys are in for a treat because this is the return. It's been years, pre-pandemic since we had this guy on as a guest.
And he is one of the record holders for all time guest appearances.
And one of the all time greats,
someone who isn't more than anything on top of being nominated for an Emmy as an actor
and so many great things he's been on, but truly he is one of my favorite comedians on planet earth and a lot of your favorite
comedians favorite comedian.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of one of my all-time favorites,
the great and powerful Kirk Fox, everybody.
Cute.
Now sit here, Kirk. Cute!
Now sit here, Coach, over here.
Fuck yeah.
The great, Kirk Box everybody. Reservation dogs, parks and rats.
The new, jury duty of programming.
But more than anything, one of the fucking real comedians
of our era at the comedy store, a fucking legend,
and a legend of the community.
It seems important to you, so.
It is.
We're going to have a lot of fun.
The reason.
It's just the right mic.
I don't want to interrupt you.
I know the rules you gave me.
But is this the mic you want me on?
OK, no.
No.
Is that you? Hold on. Don't press on? Okay, no, no. Was that you? Do you do that?
Hold on.
Don't press on the thing, man.
I don't want any trouble.
Just look at that.
Is that good?
We got that, okay.
But that was next to me.
You understand why I've broken?
No, yeah, totally.
Okay, so someone fucked up already.
It's true.
Good.
Put that away.
That was to never be used again.
Okay.
Foray, man.
We're gonna have fun.
Kirk, you know how it works. Over 200 souls signed up
for the chance to get one minute on this stage here tonight if I pull their name out of
the bucket. They're live live souls? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. That would get scary if it was
just she'd get there in the spotlight. Okay. But yes, you know how it works.
They get 60 seconds.
I mean, it's been a while.
I'll be honest with you.
Yeah, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
I know.
60 seconds.
I know.
We're just getting the kink shot.
I'll be done in a second.
Ha ha ha.
And you know the time is up in the other side of a kitten.
That means they're up in the middle
so they're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
It's just interrupts them. And I ask them a bunch of questions and we find out more about who we pulled out of the bucket
I'm gonna pre-pull right now our first comedian and they have to go across the street to a special bar and get the person
I believe they yell at what do you yell it through a megaphone cult you do? Yeah, all right. Well, there he goes
I didn't even know that.
I didn't know if it was wondered.
Like, why would there someone just yell at me?
So you store them across the street?
Is this what happens?
Yeah.
Yeah, there's a bar.
You want to keep souls in here, so that's good.
You put them in.
Yeah.
Put a new bar.
I'm with you, Tony.
I take the humans to the bar, we keep the souls here.
I like it.
Anyway, I interview them.
The whole thing's improvised.
It's all crazy.
You guys know where you're at.
You guys ready to have a great fucking show tonight or what?
But while they get that poor, poor person from across the street,
we're going to get the show started with a fucking legend
of the show, everybody.
You know him as a guy that used to live in his fucking band.
And now I tell you, he's living his dreams. Ladies and gentlemen, I think you know him as a guy that used to live in his fucking band and now I tell you he's living his dreams
Ladies and gentlemen, I think you know the words you guys know the words
Thank you for that long song. I have been putting dryers all throughout my neighborhood because I want to catch a step
mom.
I love taking ubers. You know it's going to be a good uber if you can't tell if it's the driver's name or his license plate.
I've been thinking about getting the new cyber truck because I want a car that tells people not only is my dick small but I wax my balls as well.
my balls as well. My girlfriend recently told me that I have the best personality of any man she's ever
dated, which is sad because I didn't know my dick was that small.
All right, thank you.
Okay, that's Kim.
Do you say dryers?
Was that the first one?
Yes, dryers.
Yes.
Is it in like washing machines?
Wash machine. Dryers? Yes. Because first one? Yes, dryers. Is it in like washing machines? Wash machine. Dryers?
Dryers, yes.
Because stepmoms use dryers.
Yeah, they're just stuck in them.
Ah.
Ah.
OK, it's a type of porn that he watches.
Brian, I watch American porn, not the Japanese shit
that you're into.
Yeah, you guys have actually flip-flopped.
It's like Tom Hanks and the Little Boy in the movie Big.
You should be liking Japanese porn,
and he should for sure like stepmoms caught in dryers,
but the world works in mysterious ways.
How you doing, Hans Kim?
I'm doing fabulously.
You know, my girlfriend's still white,
and I'm still rich.
Super likable. Back in all-changed, so girlfriend's still white and I'm still rich. Super likeable. Back in all change, so that's good.
Back in all change.
I feel those...
A drier joke could change everything.
But it's all right.
You came out with confidence.
I spoke with you downstairs and you had high hopes.
Lock and change, man.
You come up to two stories, two floors?
Yeah, two floors.
Each step got you closer to this moment.
So I do love you though.
We love you, Hans.
What's going on in your life?
I recently bought a remote control airplane, and I got it stuck in a tree and
So I bought a hundred fifty dollar pole and got it out and
Got my two hundred dollar airplane out with yeah, these are the investments that can
Take you in the other direction pretty quick
It really is a hundred and fifty for a $200.00 airplane.
Yeah, it's a 30-foot pole.
I mean, I still have, I'm not going to return it.
I'm going to use it.
You know, I feel like a real hard work.
But you saved money on the tree, right?
The Christmas tree?
See, I can suck, too.
I'm just showing you that it's universal.
Sure got quiet.
They thought something was coming and I was just showing them that it can sometimes not come.
Hans, let me ask you something.
A 30-foot pole.
Is that what you needed?
Yeah, it was pretty high up there.
Spoked it out.
Is it retract?
Yes, it's folds in.
Folds in.
I think, yeah, I think Demandis has one of those over here
somewhere.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
See if I got to put it over.
So you think you're going to use it in the future?? Are you gonna use it to mostly like talk shit?
Like I wouldn't touch you with a 30-foot pole and I know because I have a 30-foot pole.
Yeah, I mean my reach is unlimited, I mean 30-foot but yeah, I could touch a lot of things from far away.
Well, that's gonna help you and you're near the playground next time.
Oh, man, you need to get a...
Yeah.
31 foot restraining orders, what they need from you.
Did you get to play now?
Yes.
Poked it out, fell in the water, dried it out, and...
Wouldn't it be great if we could do that to the planes during 9-11
just fucking poke them out real quick, so the whole thing didn't like like if we just would have gotten rid of that jet fuel still can there's pieces
I love it. So the plane falls down. Is it still working? Yes
But then I crashed it again and the front wheel caved in so I'm gonna return it and get a new one
Wow, but you'll keep the poll for next time.
Yeah.
You think Asians are better than normal people
at flying airplanes?
Where about exponentially worse?
The third dimension really sends me in a tail loop.
Start spinning around.
Fuck yeah.
Those were words I didn't understand. But once again, you are confident in the delivery
and fuck and we'll go with it. Thank you, Kirk. I'm here for you. It's like, did you watch
the plane fly into the tree? Yeah, I was controlling it. Right. What's the range on something like
that? Probably like a thousand feet.
Wow.
Can you show you a flying low?
Yeah.
I was showing off.
Can you see up like like like normal people?
Ha ha ha.
Or do you have special goggles and a camera on the airplane?
You don't need to show up when you have a 30 foot pole.
Yeah.
To de-matten.
You just feel.
You just feel, okay.
I can see up, yes, Brian.
I can see up.
If he wouldn't, it would have been a Malaysian airplane.
It would have disappeared, everybody.
You.
I'll just try to get him.
I'll just try to get him.
I'll just try to get him.
I'll just try to get him.
I'll just try to get him.
I'll just try to get him.
I'll just try to get him. I'll just try to get him. I'll just try to get him. I'll just try to get him. I'll just try to get him. I'll just try to get him. Electronic airplane jokes. That's a- You said-
You should have watched the news.
The Malaysian plane disappeared.
I think it was 15 years ago or something like that.
No, I mean, I would have had to have started 15 years ago.
I'm waiting for-
This shit coming.
Oh yeah.
So Malaysia went down.
It-
That'll be all right.
It disappeared. That'll be okay.
Hans, anything else crazy we need to know about you tonight?
One of my roommates is not a fan of my kimchi.
Is that your girlfriend, kimchi?
It does smell really bad though. It stinks. I mean, it's food. If you're like processed in a food, it's like, whatever that's food, it's okay.
Like, why do you have to make a big deal about it?
What did the roommates say?
Oh god damn, what the hell?
Wait.
I am so confused with the grace of this roommate, Kato.
It was a par ride that I was black, and then it got white halfway through.
Where's that Chinese motherfucker?
I think it's black again. Going back to black.
It smells like a foot fart in here.
Is that what he said?
Yeah, it's pretty poetic.
Yeah.
Yeah, it smells like a foot fart in here. Like that? poetic. Yeah. Yo, it's my like a foot fathered in here.
Like that?
Yeah.
Right.
God damn my N word.
Yep, now I know for a fact that it is indeed a-
I just like watching to see where it goes.
Oh, it's going farther to farther.
It's stuck in there.
We're almost there.
I'm not going to say it.
Ha-ha-ha.
Fuck yeah.
So what did you guys settle on the kimchi battle?
Um, he just told me that it's smelly and I was just like, well you know, I'm a Korean roommate.
This is like par for the chorus.
You're lucky I'm not bringing out the gin saying.
That's another Korean thing.
Do you have a garage?
Yes. You should get a garage? Yes.
You should get a garage refrigerator for the kimchi.
Oh, okay.
I don't have to go to the garage every time.
It's so what?
It's like, I'm sorry.
It's like somebody cooking fish every day.
You know what, your whole house is smell like fish.
You have to deal with an Asian, yeah.
He has to say it now.
I'm not allowed to say it anymore.
Can we think? We can think it.
Right. Can we bleep it?
Is that what it's called?
Yeah. I love it. Hans, every single week you start the show in an amazing fashion.
You did it tonight. There goes Hans Kim every time.
Thank you. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.
Hans, I love Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim, everyone. Thank you. That was Hans Kim, that was Hans Kim. Hans, I love Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim.
All right, back to the bucket we go.
Makes no noise to your first bucket bowl.
Obviously, this is where shaking be out of control.
Makes no noise for Paul Siphers, everybody.
60 seconds uninterrupted of stand-up comedy by a hopeful
that was contained in a bar all night.
This Paul Scythers.
I like to take Adderall, but I don't have healthcare,
so I have to buy it off of drug dealers.
I got some a few weeks ago, I brought it home.
I was like, damn, this is some good shit.
And then three days later, I was like, damn,
this is some crystal meth.
That's what this is.
I'm glad it's ending.
It started off pretty rough.
Last year on New Year's Eve, I got hit by the same drunk driver two times.
I was sitting in the passenger seat.
My dad punched me in both of my eyes.
So that's what I get by trying to kiss him when the ball dropped.
You know what I mean?
I'm kind of tired.
This morning I saved a woman from a train.
I pushed her out of the way and let all those guys fuck me instead.
So. I'm sure out of the way and let all those guys fuck me instead, so... LAUGHTER LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
Thank you guys, bro.
60 seconds, exactly, from Paul Siphers.
Fuck you out.
You let all the guys fuck you. You gay?
No, I'm not. Just in the joke.
Well, if you want me to be, whatever.
All right, this guy's down for anything. That's lucky, though. If you want me to be, whatever. All right, this guy's down for anything.
That's lucky, though.
If you want me to be, well, yeah, welcome to show business,
buddy.
Fuck yeah.
All right.
Have you been on the show before?
I have over at Vulcan and one time at Antones as well.
OK.
Well, we're going to have to bleep that.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's OK.
I love it.
How long have you been on standup? Five or six years now. All a bit in Austin. No, I moved to here three years ago from Worcester, Massachusetts. Right.
Yeah, Worcester, that comes up a lot on this show Worcester, Massachusetts. Yeah, a lot of us are here.
Hell yeah. Who's the most famous comedian from there? Doug Stanhope, maybe?
Louie, sort of. Yeah. Yeah. It's a huge scene out there in Boston.
And how you said five or six years total?
Yes.
Right.
What do you do for work?
Right now I'm working at Vulcan as a door guy and a bar back.
And then just whatever else I can pick up, just on six street doing that kind of stuff.
Yeah.
And I just started as a PA here a week or two ago working for you. So,
it's amazing. You just started. Thank you. Good stuff, Yoni. If you're buying Adderall
off the street, you're going to find a lot of work out there. What do you do for the show?
I got to know. They just put Braumian, I'm just running, grab one of the tell me, teaching me what to do.
Yeah, just Brawmion, so.
But what have you done?
I've helped set up chairs, I've done that.
I have given the gel guns to the people
in the get off stage, and I tell great job.
That's right, from the great people over at Jellblast.
Yeah.
That's a great thing.
And you're getting paid for that.
Austin seems like the place to be.
Thumbs up, you fucking getting paid?
I'd be a fortune.
Wait, we're paying this guy.
I have no idea.
I don't believe Tony's saying no.
He's going like that.
My Jew, executive producer is literally like,
I love it.
It's getting paid in experience.
Okay, like that.
That's very, very, I mean, that seems to make sense.
What you're doing is going, good job.
It's a job blaster once every 10 minutes.
Seems like pretty much fucking nothing.
Yeah, helping with signups and stuff.
Yeah.
Anything they want to do.
Are you sure that you're supposed to be helping?
Yeah.
It's kind of just an invader.
Like, I've been one of your top young rising production assistants.
You might know me as the fastest rising producer of chairs moving behind tables.
And jail blasters being handed out. I'm about
to be the president of show business in minutes at this pace.
And have you seen his thumb?
He's got two strong thumbs up. I love it.
So Paul, tell us something interesting about your childhood. Oh, my childhood.
Not much. I cried during powder the popcorn or football a lot.
And my brother's played football for a long time.
And I just cried so many times.
My family told me I shouldn't go back anymore.
Do you cry now?
Well, my girlfriend just moved off our stuff out of her apartment and left me a week ago,
so I've been crying, huh?
I guess she didn't pull her chair out enough.
I'm thinking what I'm thinking.
I mean, I don't know, but I noticed something really interesting.
Maybe hold your thought, because what I took from that,
I don't know if anybody else noticed this,
but you didn't say that your girlfriend broke up with you.
You said my girlfriend got her stuff and moved it out a week ago.
No, she broke up with me too.
Yeah.
OK, just making sure that you know that.
No, I know.
You seemed really hopeful there for a second.
The way I analyze that is like, well, she thinks she broke up with me.
But now she took all her shit, but she's just making room for more love.
She took all of her shit and her human body, but her soul is with me.
You could cry for us if we helped?
Was there a song in particular that she loved or that she would play a lot?
I don't think I could cry here.
I'm going to pretty good read her now.
Let me ask you again.
Was there a specific song that reminds you of her?
I don't know.
Maybe, yeah, I don't know.
You don't know?
I don't know where you with her. I mean, I'm sure there's songs that remind me of. I don't know if they, yeah, I don't know. You don't know? I don't know where you with her.
I mean, I'm sure there's songs that remind me,
or I don't know if they'd make me cry though if they put it.
That's not what I'm asking.
Okay. Let's take the cry, then step it.
Let's go with the song ever long by food fighters.
That would make me...
What are your thoughts when you think about ever long
from the food fighters? What does it remind you of?
A time with her?
No, they're not just the lyrics of the song. You know, they're just a sad song in general, I guess
We get a spotlight on Paul
I'll play it too. You're on. Keep fucking playing it. Don't stop
Now let's go let's go through.
Just look out there.
Look at the thing.
Look at the camera.
Wait, are you trying to sing?
Is that what I mean?
I can try.
I'm not good at it.
Yeah, we go sing.
Oh.
I'm waiting here for you.
She might see this.
Ever long.
This could win her back.
Tonight.
Come on, you got this, Paul.
I'll throw myself into you.
I'll ever read.
I'll ever had she sing.
You packed your bags.
But I'm in love with you.
And I want to stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, no, no.
No, I got to tell you, wherever she packed up and went off to,
she packed up again, she's going farther away She's going to scoony the opposite direction. I don't know. I think she's coming back
There's a chance she was in New Jersey. That's how should you guys ever watch football together? Did that ever come in the mountain?
That ever came off now. Yeah
What was it about pop Warner that just would break you into tears? I
Mean we skipped over what started it What was it about pop Warner that just would break you into tears?
I mean, we skipped over what started it. You didn't like being tackled.
Yeah, I was not good at it, very bad at it.
Did they tackle you before the game or something?
Yeah, just even the Oklahoma drills and stuff, just beat the shit out of me.
So, I was out, really young.
Yes, he saw the wrong childhood. I just had to spin the wheels, pick something up.
In the right light, you do look like a beautiful woman, though.
Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha.
She's a strong light, good back light for you.
What's the longest stand-up set you've ever done?
20 minutes.
I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.
I think, whoa!
Look at that.
Paul Cypher is Mickey's. Thank you. You have you on the Secret Show Thursday. I think we're all looking at Paul Cypher's, Miggies.
Thank you.
You have a joke book already, huh?
Yeah, I have to.
I thought, okay, well there you go, Paul Cypher's.
You have a small one and a big one?
That's amazing, I love that.
Hey y'all, you know, even we have a hard time buying tickets sometimes.
Sometimes I find out last minute that something awesome
is happening in my town and it's just impossible to find last minute tickets. You shouldn't
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It's fun to hear the people that have had, uh...
Did I fucking miss a bucket pool?
Well that was him.
Oh, sweet, perfect.
Yep, there's the one that we funneled and the new one goes out.
It makes sense for Anthony Papali, everybody.
Straight out of the bucket.
Woo!
Anthony Papali.
Woo!
60 seconds.
What's up?
Dude, I bought from Texas, all right?
And I'm trying to learn about Texans.
What I've learned about Texans is you guys like your guns,
your hunting, your fishing, just terminating everything out here,
really, you know, except pregnancies.
You guys are like,
no sir, those aren't in season, you know?
No sir.
But I bet you can sell abortion to Texas.
You just gotta take it out of Planned Parenthood
and then drop it in a Bass Pro Shop.
You know what I'm saying?
Like every abortion free box of ammo,
you don't have a line out the door, man.
You go in, your girl gets the abortion,
you pick up a Salt Life T-shirt,
and fucking roll tied, baby, let's go, dude.
Have some fun.
I don't know how I feel about abortion, though, you know?
Like on one hand, I think it's a woman's right to choose,
right?
But sometimes, you know, you see a little kid
and you're like, oh, look at that guy.
He didn't get aborted, you know? But then you remember, he goes to school in
America, so you're like, oh, he's got plenty of time. He's got plenty of time to be aborted.
Thank you. Fuck yeah. Anthony Papali. Am I saying that right, Papali?
Papali. Papali. Yeah. OK. Yeah, that makes more sense.
Papali.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
You've been on the show before, correct?
Yes.
OK.
And remind us, what are you again?
What's your ethnicity?
What are you doing?
100% Italian.
Fuck yeah.
Always.
Seriously though.
I'm an Indian guy.
Right.
You're an Indian guy.
I'm an Indian. Perfect. Seriously though. I'm an Indian guy. You're an Indian guy. I'm an Indian.
Perfect.
Absolutely perfect.
I love it.
Got the 100% right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pretty Indian.
What do you do for work?
I just got out of the military and so I'm kind of figuring out what to do.
What'd you do in the military?
I was in the Coast Guard, worked on ships and...
Okay.
Yeah.
I see something in boating, maybe in your future.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Would you do on the ships?
Just like, navigation stuff, worked in public affairs.
I gotta be honest, last time I was on here,
I said I was in the military,
but I didn't say that I did get kicked out
in the military.
I got kicked out.
You got kicked out?
I got kicked out, yeah.
Well now, the rare Indian misbehavior.
I'm trying to change the image of Indians.
We're bad boys.
We're bad boys.
What exactly does an Indian do to get kicked out
of the military?
I had a puff of marijuana.
Yeah.
You had a puff of marijuana.
I had a little bit of marijuana. More than a puff. More than a puff, yeah. Why'd you say a puff of marijuana. Yeah. You had a puff of marijuana? I had a little bit of marijuana.
More than a puff.
More than a puff.
Why'd you say a puff?
I don't know.
I'm nervous and I'm excited.
It's adorable.
It's an adorable answer.
How old are you, Anthony?
I'm 30.
30 years old.
How long have you been doing stand up?
Eight years.
Okay.
How much have been here in Austin?
About two months. Two months. Where'd you move from? I was in the Orlando area for a while.
Where were you doing in the Orlando area? Well, I was stationed in Cape Canaveral before I moved here.
So Orlando is like the closest big city. All right. Yeah. And you talked a lot about abortion.
I did. Yeah. A lot. A lot. All the trimesters you talked about abortion with your side.
All of them, yeah.
What is Indian culture and abortion?
What are those two things?
What's the cross over there?
I think it exists.
I think they just let, like, if you want an abortion,
I think you let nature take over, you know, like an India.
You just look like a cobra coming or a...
I don't know. Ah!
All right.
Or a cow.
How'd it go?
Yeah.
Fuck yeah.
Those babies don't last that long.
If a cobra is involved, I know that.
Not that long.
Where were you raised?
California.
What part?
Bay area.
San Francisco.
OK.
And what convenience stores do your parents have? 7-11, Dunkin' Donuts.
Seriously, what do your parents do for work?
My dad does like education, consulting,
and my mom doesn't do anything.
The way you said education, I could hear your Indian
for the first time.
Are you ordering me to turn it up, but not you, oh, me too.
Yes, but I was so fucking righteous.
I knew it was gonna get a laugh if I did that.
Of course, yeah, it's funny.
You buried the lead, my friend.
Yeah, fucking stupid.
Oh, my dad, he works in education.
That's what I heard.
That's what it sounded like.
It was a real switch.
A portion sounds funnier with that accent.
Oh, yeah.
I got that a portrait.
I don't know what to do.
Spot-on-engine accent. Activated. Up and. I don't know what to do. Yeah. Spot on it.
It's activated.
Up and.
It's pretty good.
Yeah.
It's right, it's good.
What you doing the Coast Guard, if I could ask,
did you stick ships, but what?
I worked on bows.
I did like navigation stuff.
I was on a gun crew.
So your stone just trying to guide ships?
Yeah. The thing we haven't been at war for a while.
Yeah.
Ships are docked.
Good dock.
Okay.
What's the most Indian thing about your Indian father?
What's the most Indian thing about my Indian father?
Yeah.
What's the fact that he's Indian?
Does he do something super Indian? I don't know. My dad came here when he was like 18. He never walked in and he's like floating in the living that he's Indian. Does he do something super Indian?
I don't know. My dad came here when he was like 18.
He never walked in and he's like floating in the living room on the carpet.
Have you got anything like meditating or something?
You're like, Dad, how do you do that?
That's what you say.
One day you will have these powers.
That's great.
Watch, it's going to be like, I'm not going to know it's going to be Indian heritage month or something like that I'm like oh god here we go I got your bag I'll
defend you so offensive how dare you say we talk exactly like that my dad is
very Americanized he came here and fell in love with America listen to like
classic rock and how long was he in India for? 18 years. 18 years.
But meanwhile, every other word that you said didn't sound Indian, but you, when you said
education, sounded super Indian.
I think it's just ingrained in me because my dad used to make me just study so hard.
When's the last time you talked to your dad?
I don't know, like a week maybe.
Right.
Let me ask you something.
You think that if we called your father.
Oh fuck, dude.
Said hello to him for a second.
Got a barometer of fucking what he kind of sounds like, right?
Because you said he's super Americanized.
So my guess is that he might not sound that Indian, right?
I don't think so.
Personally, I don't think so.
But here's my point.
Here's what I want to do.
I want to get a little test tube.
OK.
He's fucking natural accent.
OK.
American accent. Then I want you to ask him
what field he works in.
Okay, because I wanna see if his education
sounds in behind your desk.
Because I bet the fucking,
I bet the genie doesn't fall far from the tree in your-
He probably is not gonna say the word education
just for that, he'll just say consulting.
Okay, I'm gonna-
Was he proud that you took all the education knowledge
and went into the Coast Guard? Fuck, oh dude, you see, he was pretty worried that you took all the education knowledge and went into the Coast Guard?
Fuck, oh dude, he's serious, he was pretty worried, you know.
Indian people come here to become doctors, engineers, and I was like,
can we call your dad real quick? You want to call him a call? Yeah, let's call him.
That's his phone? Okay. Oh, that is my phone, who's your? Yeah, yeah, it happens quick.
We take it off of them and they come to the back door What if he's going to just hold it away? Yeah, put it on speaker make sure your volume is all the way up and
Here I'll actually I'll hold the phone and you just listen see if he could reset my phone
I'm so excited. I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited like, Hey guys, sorry I couldn't make it up the phone.
Have a big day tomorrow working in.
Andrew Dadey.
That's what I was shooting for, but I guess they're not going to find out tonight.
You got your Dutch smoke weed, sorry Tony.
Yeah, I think it is now.
Right.
Yeah.
When you say now, you think he started long after you left the house and joined the military, you don't think he was smoking the whole time?
I think he probably did when he was a teenager and then started once I left the house again.
Why do you why are you saying it like it's hot?
I don't know dude. I'm not sure. I don't know. I really don't know.
Damn. We have so much to talk to this guy about.
Something shady.
My dad is shady, my dad is.
Oh, we're not telling us everything.
Look, man, I gotta put it.
So you got kicked out of the coast guard, but was it just for weed or?
Just weed, honestly.
Yeah, I'm a good guy.
Hey, guys, I'm a good person.
I'm a good person.
I just like fucking smoked weed.
Right.
Hello, America.
Okay, are you starting to sound like a terror.
All right, Tony make a note of his name and let's keep a track of this guy. Anthony Papa.
Did you get a little joke book last time you're on? I got the big one last time. Okay. Well there you go. Here's the little one. Oh, thank you. Anthony
Papalilla. Thank you. There you go.
Anthony Papalilla. Thank you.
There you go.
Thank you so much.
All right.
On we go.
Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Michael White,
everybody.
Michael White.
You guys having fun out there, huh?
Yeah.
There is Michael White.
What's up ATX?
I'm from Corvus, Christie, the city of Selena.
Me da, aja.
I live two hours away from Mexico.
So my white privilege doesn't activate
until I enter Hayes County.
And there's not a lot of black people in my city
for the police to harass.
So I'm like a lot of black people in my city for the police to harass, so I'm like, the substitute teacher.
I lived in the streets for five years,
because my stepdad didn't like me.
Wiggle oppression is real.
I got my first car when I was 21.
So after sleeping at bus stops and couch hopping
in the projects for four years,
I was able to live in my car until I got my own apartment.
When I didn't have a car,
or when my car isn't working, I run errands on foot.
If I walk far enough,
CCPD will run up,
illegally search me and check me for once,
and they always say,
it's because you're matched under description.
So if you ever see anyone who still wears tall tees
with a do-rag on top of his hat,
call crime stoppers. still wears tall tees with a do-reg on top of his hat.
Call crime stoppers.
Woo!
They've been looking for that dooster so I was 16 years old.
I'm a fucking lover.
Michael White.
Hell yeah, this is like, you're eight mile right now, dude.
Somebody just told me that on TikTok. Yeah, I love it when I was lying outside
You only had one shot and let me tell you you did not miss your chance to blow
Good eight mile reference right there
Okay, so let's just jump right into it. What the fuck?
I love it. Where are you from?
Corpito, mira, vacha.
Okay.
Corp is Christie.
Okay, corpis Christie.
Yeah, the city of Salina.
All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been there.
The lady that already be is trying to be light.
Oh shit, don't start any wars here, my friend.
We got no beef here.
Yeah. Sorry, Cardi.
All right, so let's talk about it, Michael.
Uh, I'm so much by the way.
I literally am so excited about this.
Hold on, Howard.
Uh, so are you aware that you have a screen mass tucked
into some type of sideways baseball cap or something?
Like, do you know what you're dressed like right now? Oh, yeah, long day. So where that you have a screen mass tucked into some type of sideways baseball cap or something
like that?
You know what you're dressed like right now?
Oh yeah, lingerie day.
I had to wear your mama a muscle shirt.
Strong ass bitch.
I love you.
Have you done standup comedy before?
I've actually been a performer since I was 13 as a musician and a battle rapper before? I've actually been a performer since I was 13
as a musician and a battle rapper,
but I always been funny in my raps.
And people always leave comments on my rap battle saying,
you're not a rapper, you're a stand up comedian.
And it took me forever to swallow my pride
and start doing stand up comedy,
because I felt like people were discrediting
in my rap skills.
And I would discredit myself too
if I fell into it and just started doing it,
but I like fuck it, whatever.
Around me.
They were right.
Ah!
No, I love it.
So how many times, how often have you tried stand up then?
I just started like a year and a half ago.
That's when I started doing it.
And you're doing a lot of it in Corpus Christi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I uploaded to my TikTok and shit.
I'm one of those type of comedies.
I don't go to open mics and repeat the same shit every week.
I recorded, uploaded, and then I come up with a new one,
uploaded.
So you just have a plat ton of really bad shit.
You have a ton of shitty puns.
So this is you?
If you make me a regular, I always have something new.
Well.
No. I don't know you do that.
Stop it.
Yeah, stop it.
Crazy people trying to sabotage fucking do it.
You haters.
I love it, man.
Now is this your look if I could ask?
Is this kind of your style?
I'm a...
It's just for the night.
Look around, does anybody else look like me? No, it is a completely normal. OK, this my style, yeah, I claim it. It's just for the night. Look around. Does anybody else look like me? No, it is a completely
normal style. I claim it. It's Wayne Bryan. Right here on the Keele Tony show, it's trademarked. So
Drake can't steal this shit. You think Drake has been stealing your some of your swagger style?
Oh man, he put hair clips on his head. Man, I used to put hair clips on my fucking head. I can't
do it no more. You can't because Drake did it. Yeah, I call them, I put a putto clip.
So you used to put them on, because I'm a putto,
uh, at my acronym, it's players under mine and their ops.
Putto power.
You say you swallow a lot of pride, right?
You swallow a lot of pride.
Yo.
You swallow pride?
Oh, shit.
The manic episode is beginning, right? In front of blood. You swallow pride?
Oh shit, the manic episode is beginning, right?
This is crazy.
I'm having flashbacks.
You can't tell if he's swallowed that.
It is unbelievable.
Who knows?
This time next week, Drake might be dressed like Rick Mariana's
shrunk him.
Is this incredible?
I do think the cops are doing the right thing.
Yeah. You do think the cops are doing the right thing.
Yeah.
You do fit a description.
Let me ask you this, Michael White.
What do you do for work?
All right, so I'm one of the most known artists in my city.
So I used my rap thing to start a spaghetti delivering
service out of my kitchen.
My ex-girlfriend from Italy taught me how to make
the best spaghetti.
You know what I'm saying?
She taught me how to make the best.
He needs that to be the open.
Like a delivery app?
I'm the spaghetti plug.
And I said, no, Facebook is the app.
Now, be here's the thing though. I only do it when I need to pay a bill.
And when I don't need to pay a bill, I spend my time on my career.
That's why I'm always broke, begging my TikTok for money to eat.
Okay, hold on, stick with me here, stick with me here.
So when you need some money, are you joking or are you serious?
You make a bunch of spaghetti and you people pay you for it around corpus grease.
Yeah, hey, man, we love food.
We love food. I almost made it through that whole thing with that. We for it around corpus graces. Yeah. Hey, man, we love food.
We love food.
I almost made it through that whole thing with that one.
We love food in corpus.
Gives you much seed in a bonus spaghetti.
We love food in corpus.
That is his truck that he sleeps on.
But you know how easy it is to sell food in corpus?
Everybody sells food.
Tell us about it.
I say, oh, man, while I'm cooking, I meet my quota.
Like, I'm right there messaging everybody. I'm my cousin while I'm cooking, I meet my quota. Like, I'm right there messaging everybody.
I'm like, I'm cooking.
I'm going to my seat.
So how much spaghetti are we talking about?
You sell it and what kind of containers are you putting?
My quota is 14 plates and a night.
So what's your $10 plate?
$5 a gas.
Hold on, hold on.
I'm making some money.
Stick with me over here.
Michael.
Michael over here.
Stick with me here, OK? What do you, Michael over here. Stick with me here, okay.
What do you put the spaghetti on
when you deliver it to me?
Is it a plate with tin foil?
Is it a gladlock container?
To go boxes.
Oh, like styrofoam folding to go boxes.
You invested in the styrofoam boxes.
Yeah.
So the most you do is 14 or the minimum you do is 14.
Yeah, I do about 14, that's what I do.
But you could do more.
That's kind of like, you know, because my real cost, like, 55 bucks.
So do favorite interviews.
That's what I was like.
You make it more money than selling a 50 pack of Coke.
You know what I'm saying?
Okay, hold on, this was my next question.
How much are you selling each container of spaghetti for?
It's $10 each.
And then $5 for the gas fee.
So you make $140 a night, working very hard,
making and delivering this spaghetti.
And meanwhile, you were talking about it,
like you're cooking Coke, like your Scarface.
And you're making all the money.
The real is $55, so the rest is profit.
The biscuit?
What?
I said, the real is $55, and the rest of it is profit.
Oh, the rest of it.
The rest of it is.
Do people come to your house for the point?
You go out there in the world and deliver it.
You just go out there and have a shine.
The way you say that you deliver makes me think that your house might not be the greatest
conditions for somebody to come in to spaghetti.
Can you describe your place for us as a studio?
It's like an efficiency size, you know.
But here's a thing, you know, it's a...
That's not a moron, my Dean Martin.
Welcome, man. Come on in, it's Michael White's. That's not a moray, my Dean Martin.
Welcome, hey.
Come on in, it's Michael White's...
Who wants a fucking spaghetti?
Whoa!
Come on, it's one of the nicest guys.
He'd give you the wife beat her off his head.
You're gonna love this guy's fucking spaghetti.
It's so good. Don't judge the size of his clothes.
Yeah.
Don't judge a man.
Everything in big an takes a s-.
Oh.
Oh.
I honestly want to try this fucking spaghetti.
Let me ask you this.
Can you give us an example of how you make it?
Well, my ex from Italy, she taught me how to make it.
I know, but what do you remember?
I'm not even until the whole world, my recipe.
Leave it, leave it, leave a couple key ingredients out.
Give us the backbone of your sauce.
I don't know how to do that without snitching on myself.
That's like, come on dude, it's fucking tomato sauce.
Go ahead, give us a little, just start rattling off your
corner.
Well I mean, no one's here to steal your spaghetti rest.
I mean, okay, the basic is tomato sauce hamburger meat.
Oh, I'm a root.
And then the rest is me making it live.
I'm gonna fucking die.
Wait, wait, why would she leave you?
Why would she leave you?
Why would you fucking actually make a guy spaghetti?
Man, I love her.
Is she a waitress?
I love her, man.
She was crazy.
Fuck, yeah, man.
I got two scars on my face.
Because of her, yeah.
What did she do?
She forked you? You. Because of her, yeah. What did she do? She forked you.
You know how women are, man.
They don't know how to lose a conversation.
What did she do to your face?
Man, she would, whenever we'll be talking
and if I happen to be winning, just, uh, nails come out of nowhere.
Ah. Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Did she have to call you, chef?
I was like,
Ah!
Unbelievable.
Okay, but seriously though, you said tomato sauce and hamburger.
Tony, why do you look like you sing the star-spangled banner, the old version?
I don't know why I look like that.
Why?
I don't know, but I feel like if I wanted you to suck my dick,
you wouldn't do it because you're racist.
Holy shit, that is.
There's a lot to unpack in such a short use
the good economy of words there.
I don't know which part to figure out first.
He can use you with food talk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm unbelievable.
There's a slow burn.
I'm sorry, I'm hangry.
I need some spaghetti.
How much spaghetti do you eat?
Is that pretty much your whole thing?
Like I said, I only do it when I need a pay-a-build.
When I don't need a pay-build, I focus on my career
as an entertainer.
That's why I'm always broke.
I want to hear, I want to hear.
I want to hear.
Keep one for yourself.
And I beg my take- time from money to feed me.
You are such a fucking interesting person to me.
But I do want to hear some of this rapping before you leave.
What kind of, tell them what kind of beat you on or whatever.
Look at Michael.
All right.
I do my song on my 80s A.S.D.
Make the beat like this.
Boom.
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, like this
I don't smoke a dream but I don't mean I can people that do what I'm just saying Wee my 88D is all I need, look at me My 88D, my 88D is all I need
I don't smoke a drink but I don't mean I can people that do what I'm just saying
Wee my 88D is all I need, look at me
My 88D, my 88D is all I need
Getting ready to hit the club with my partner so they can get their drink on
And I'm a designated driver so I gotta get my bank on
I ain't even tripping dope
I won't even be drinking bro. I the love's beating flow make a money and hitting on my sober mother fuck up
And I be agon like I'm on it got my 8080
A.C. on full speed super sign is hand me her un-sweet T so I can add my own sugar
Go live in the tank, thousand out the wall like a ruler
Put the rickus shake like TMC, hold up, mate
That everybody in the club, thank it not my exo
But it's just me off from the street, I'm naturally gizzled
Or maybe come out my heavy, take a rid of this since I was five
Till I holdin' up and I think of the moment I'm allowed to be five
Now I'm allowed to go live and live in my childhood
But I'm over time, like ready
I'm gon' put it down, like a man in there
On lights, young boys
I don't know the dream, but I know a bit I can peep with it
Do what I'm just sayin' we
My 88's deas, I like the look at me
My 88's deat, my 88's deat, all I like to be, look at me, my 88s, my 88s, I like to be.
All right, wow.
I was actually fucking pretty goddamn interesting.
But I want to be a stand-up comedian, so.
No.
It's not going to work out, buddy, but you're a hell of an interview,
and that was fantastic.
You're set.
Absolutely got off.
I'll let there be no question.
However, I find you so entertaining.
You still get a big joke book and a big gel blaster.
So there he goes.
Michael White, everybody.
The Killtony debut of Michael White
proof that anybody can fucking get pulled out of the fuck up.
We have very low standards here on Kiltzahn.
That turned around, man.
That turned out...
Literally, the people that walk the line of absolute...
Anything gonna happen.
But the recipe, not bad.
Simple.
The physically sauce, hamburger meat, and magic.
Like, what?
Hamburger meat.
For two more words.
The words hamburger meat say so much
about what that sauce has to be like.
They call it beef.
Specifically hamburger meat.
Boom.
It knows what works, man.
This winter on Showcase.
Look into someone for me.
Hello, MacIranie, who's developing
artificial organs.
Medical miracles.
He's experimenting on people from the Hitwondry podcast.
She's sitting there with a bloody time bomb in her throat.
Based on the breathtaking true story,
we have to figure out a way to stop this guy.
Your patients can really trust you.
They trust me.
Edgar Ramirez and Mandy Moore star in Dr. Death.
All new Sunday at 9 Eastern on Show showcase, also available on Stack TV.
And it's Siakum with the spoon. He's driving into the McFlurry, the soft serve, the red smarties,
the hot fudge, and there's the swirl move. And the Raptors fans are eating it up.
The Siakum swirl McFlurry for a limited time at participating McDonald's in Canada, excluding Quebec.
You never know what we'll find out of the bucket. We once found this guy out of the bucket.
Now he's a goddamn superstar, one of our best regulars ever. Mixed noise to the great Cam Patterson. I'm gonna be a man.
And I'm gonna be a man.
And I'm gonna be a man.
And I'm gonna be a man.
And I'm gonna be a man. And I'm gonna be a man. I went surfing for the first time a couple days ago.
I did not like it, because I can't swim that good.
Well, I just want very good for a black guy.
I could dog a pat of my ass off, but y'all motherfuckers got me beat.
And dude, I was surfing with, he would gay.
Or maybe he thought he was gay. He would get it held, dog.
And we was in the ocean.
I thought he wanted to fuck me, so I was scared. And he just kept saying like, he held, you know what I'm saying? And we was in the ocean, I thought he wanted to fuck me, so I was scared.
And he just kept saying like, night shit,
oh, you look so good in that wet suit.
You look like a real good swimmer.
Like, you trying to fuck me, sir, this is terrifying.
And then at one point, we seen like this beautiful
last sunset, the sunset was beautiful, dog.
Like it was nice.
And then I looked at him, he looked at me,
and then we kissed.
Now I'm playing, let's hear that.
Now I'm talking about, I saw that beautiful,
that sunset, bro.
I'm like, damn, but it's just beautiful.
And then he looked at me, like, it is beautiful.
It kind of looked like heaven.
And I was like, yeah, dude.
And then he went, it heaven was a real thing.
And I got scared.
Because I don't want to be in the ocean
when the eighth year thing, that's crazy.
You see what I'm saying?
You don't even believe in miracles.
Bitch, that's insane.
Like, I'm dying.
And I'm like, oh, God, help me.
Nobody's coming to save you.
Never.
Nobody's coming to save you.
I got my turn.
Fuck yeah, Camp Patterson.
The new minute, 22 seconds.
For real?
Yeah.
Oh, the durag shit.
I like that nigger, man.
He cool.
That was... I probably got hypnotized with something now. We just got down the durag on my head. I like that nigger, man. He cool. That was.
I probably got hypnotized with some now.
We just got down a durag on my forehead.
Worth it for that laugh.
Worth it for that laugh, my friend.
That was very surprising, especially since he thought
Drake was going to steal from under it.
It took a matter of seconds for Cam Patterson of all people.
Give me a durag, nigger.
I don't know.
I don't think that's a don't rag.
That's what that is. Shit, not safe. I'll tell you that, man. There's a do-reg, nigga. I don't know. I don't think that's a don't-reg. That's what that is.
It's shit not safe.
I'll tell you that, man.
There's a brown spot on it.
Yeah.
That is something wild.
That's like an old pilgrim.
I'm not gonna say that.
So wild.
Did you really learn how to surf?
Yeah, I did.
Yeah, I went surfing in a, in a Malibu
for the Cam and the White shit. OK. Hell yeah. Wow. That shit was dope. I got up how to surf. Yeah, I did, yeah, yeah, I went surfing in a... And a metal booth for the camera white shit.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Wow.
That shit was dope.
I got up on the board, I stood up and said,
and they could really work.
I said, they could work, trying to fuck me.
That was pretty scary.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Interesting.
And you were able to stand up on the board on the wave?
Yeah, I'm like, I'm like, athletic is fucked.
Right.
I can really do almost anything.
How were you when you didn't have a surfboard hold on to?
What's it mean?
You're swimming out there?
I'm drowning four times.
But on the surfboard, and then I will fight.
You know what's that mean?
That was really good.
Yeah, yeah.
So it was your instructor that had to crush on you?
I'm pretty sure he would get it, yeah, most of them. Yeah.
Was he like holding you by your waist,
helping you like get on the thing and stuff?
Nah, but he was saying like, where is shit?
Like, you look great in that wet suit with my ass, was that?
I was like, nigga, this is not,
it's a bodice suit, nigga, leave me alone,
but this is scary.
Yo, that's terrifying, dog.
How should I say to a man?
It was a wed-
It was a wed- It wasn't just you, right?
I was, there's the wed-tune.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll confuse now.
What just happened?
They laughed like, wait a minute, what do you mean?
By the way, you tell me.
What's really got to do with it?
Huh?
What else is going on in your world, Cam?
I was just doing shows in Florida,
who back home was it?
Was epic.
Massive, massive venues in Florida,
with a lot of your family.
Yeah, a lot of my family came,
my best friend came, my brother came.
That is true.
I got to meet one of your real best friends
from the streets.
I met full-on ankle bracelet, probation.
I mean, straight up, bracelet, probation. I mean straight up.
Sometimes just taking off and running when he saw the security people at the theater.
Branding that with us. Alright, that's cool.
Yeah, but it was fun. That was about it. Anything else?
It was cool. Now, I mean, that was it. We hung out locked in a tent.
What's his dad there?
Of course, did you talk about this spelling thing
from a couple episodes ago?
You know, he didn't get a chance to.
We were so busy, there was so much going on.
He actually, his dad had soul food waiting for us
in the drain room.
You missed that, man.
We had a good dinner with my uncle.
I couldn't stand how you guys ate more after that.
There was, we had a whole dinner.
Look at that, super crazy.
We were waiting on you.
They ain't wanna start eating till you got there. And I was like, me, me, me. I told... We had a whole dinner. Niggah, that's super crazy. Who would wait and all you?
They ain't gonna start eating till you got there.
And I would like me to eat that.
I told them to eat without me there.
The UFC was starting.
I couldn't eat a second dinner in three hours with...
Yeah, they were a bunch of black people.
A bunch of surfers, man.
Yeah, the, you know, the big surfing athletic types.
If y'all want to cancel a ton of my family, love that nigga, man, with a camera big surfing athletic types. If y'all want to cancel Tony, my family love that nigga.
Man, with a camera.
They love Tony.
They love you.
Yeah, you know.
Absolutely.
I did feel bad missing the fucking thing, but two Kiltoni fans were fighting in main events
in the UFC this past weekend.
Yeah, yeah.
Unfortunately.
Did not turn out so well.
Thank you, Cam.
You're the man. Rock it all. Yeah, fuck yeah, Cam powder
All right, you guys haven't fun out there
How many of you like it would be able to do good on this show
How many of you like it when people do bad on this show?
Wow ruthless
Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket just in landers everybody just in
Landers
How's everybody doing tonight?
You know my wife she makes and sells a lot of miniatures
So we got boxes of these things around the house, and the other day, I was off digging
and wanting, and I found this little bitty, long-range
or masking.
Immediately, I thought, we're taking this in the bedroom,
and we're gonna do some role-playing.
And at first, I thought I'd just strap it on my dick
and call him the armless bandit, you know?
He just runs around still in the pussy.
But instead, I put it on my wasvajana, and I'll be damned if that thing didn't look like the pussy. But instead, I put it on my wasp vagina,
and I'll be damned if that thing didn't look like the hamburger.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I shoved a French frying it, and now she won't roleplay anymore.
Now, when I told my wife that joke, she goes,
you better not tell that shit on stage, and I go,
why not?
She goes, because I don't want a bunch of people people thinking my pussy looks like a hamburger. I thought,
well, they all kind of look like hamburgers. Some of them are double meat with lip lettuce.
I'll tell you what, I'll take mine with no pickles. She goes, I'll tell you what, you can
take your no pickles and go fuck yourself. My name is Justin Landers, thank you all for
playing along.
All right, Justin Landers with a minute. Fuck yeah. Hello Justin. How long you been
doing stand up? A year. A year. Where at? With trailer park, exactly.
Are you doing stand up like? Washington States where I started.
Washington State out there in the fucking real country, the green lands. You frayed a?
You frayed a no we were from Centralia's where I came from.
Centralia, fuck yeah.
How big were the audiences that you were from?
It's the Worcester of the North.
Yeah.
They were probably 30, 40 people.
30 or 40 people.
I love it.
And was that the type of material you were doing?
Talking about the miniatures and whatnot.
Yeah.
What is exactly a miniature collective item?
No, like miniatures like dollhouse.
Yeah, talk right into the trick of that.
She makes like dollhouse furniture, food for dollhouses.
So we just got these boxes of miniatures all the way.
All right.
You're still up there in the country of Washington.
Now we live in Bashtrop now. Okay, what are you doing for work?
I'm a welder fabricator.
Okay, hell yeah.
Woo! That's it.
With miniatures, they're a bigger house.
Oh, what?
Because if they're small, you gotta go bigger.
That's just let your wife know that that's where the money is.
Maybe not.
That's just soldering when it's that small
So you're out there welding what else about you? What do you do for fun?
Well anymore I hauled my son around rodeos he rides bulls and
Okay, I did that for about how's your son?
16 16 and you and how long did you ride bulls for I rode bulls for about 15 years?
Wow look at that anything great ones are little
Some miniature bulls
We've got to stay on eight minutes
Then you just fall off out of boredom
We're going to the no-do.
All right.
All right.
So what are your goals with a stand-up comedy?
What do you think's going on here?
What do you see yourself doing?
Well, I started because I was 46.
My son, he's 16.
He's got to come more years of school,
and I was wondering what the hell I was going to do with myself.
So I wrote a few jokes. I started hitting some open marks and it worked out a little bit,
I got to start opening a few shows and got about eight minutes worth of material that's
pretty solid.
All right.
That's about where I'm at.
I love that.
How's the crystal meth blab going?
I'm like, have you ever tried to, what's the most hillbilly thing about you?
Because I know what people from Eastern Washington
are like.
We have some friends, the green powerful Davey
Wester, who has cerebral palsy, and always
has a big lip of tobacco.
And it's leaking out of his brain.
How are you?
Darn it, darn it, darn it.
He's one of the paid regulars at the comedy store.
And I could see a little bit of him in you.
I see that maybe it was a grandfather
or someone really close in your genealogy,
fucked a family member.
That's very, that's what they do there.
Tell the people that I'm not making this up.
That is what it's like.
It's basically, as you could tell,
Billy Bum Thornton here,
it looks like one of the fucking
half a devil's reject.
There you go.
Like the purgatory reject or something like that.
All right, so what's something white trash about you?
Something white trash about me.
I've lived in trailer parks.
I sound like this.
And it's one of the big ones for sure.
Yeah, I'll be in porn broke, most of my loss of there you go.
Hell yeah, I love it. How do you
what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Not since your rodeo days are behind you.
Oh anymore I'll just hang out with my wife and my kids mostly. How long you been with your wife?
17 years. Wow. What is it? How do you how do you stay erect while fucking her after 17 years?
Is there something you imagine?
Is there something about her that drives you crazy?
I'm interested in this.
She still works for me.
She's all good.
Yeah.
She works for you.
So the role play, that was just something you ever tried.
Yeah, that was him.
Well, I've seen the mask, yeah, do some.
Do you ever put your, are you ever so sick of fucking your wife that you use the welder's mask when you're fucking?
No, but I put on a pair of shaps before.
Whoa.
Hey, that's a, that's a normal Wednesday night for me.
You know what I mean?
All right.
Dude, you might get some more noises out of her
if you brought a blowtorch into the bedroom.
Yeah, yep.
That's a big Washington angle.
Yeah.
Oh, here she is right now.
It's lovely wife.
There she is.
Thank you.
All right, Justin.
Well, hell yeah.
We have another one, right?
I feel like there's something more though.
I feel like there's something I'm missing about you here.
You ever almost die or save anybody's life or anything like that?
Yeah, I've almost died several times. Yeah, let's hear about some of those. That's what I'm
kind of wanting them. They were all bull riding stuff. I got jerked down so hard one time when
you hit me on the chin, the back of my head, so I have to fill in my back. A lot of them.
Hard as a rock right now. You have to slow down. You almost made me come in my pants just then.
I'm sorry, because on this show, I'm gay.
I'm gonna win a game, everybody.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You remind me of me if I did something really bad once.
Yeah.
You look like I could have gone that angle.
Yup.
A hundred percent.
That was you trying crystal meth one time.
Yeah. I could have fucked parks you trying crystal meth one time.
I could have fucked Parks and Rack or meth.
Yeah.
Parks and Rack or Parks and meth.
Parks and meth.
Method of Park.
You ever do a crazy drug?
You seem like you maybe skip the hard stuff and just gone straight to sniffing like a normally legal substance.
I've tried a little bit of everything, but anymore I'll narrow it down to, you know,
hallucinogens and weed like everybody else.
Yeah.
I've got a lot of fans out there.
Woo!
I love it.
So is glue involved with miniatures?
No.
Miniatures, no glue.
No, no.
The original Elmer's are just Elmer, a neighbor.
Just testers, model glue.
Rubber cement.
Not for me.
Keyboard cleaner.
Computer, keyboard cleaner.
These are all really white trash drugs, you're throwing at me, huh?
God, yeah.
I don't know what, let us even go that down that road.
Yeah.
Fintinal.
You ever do any fentanyl? No. Oh, I'm trying to know if it's fentanyl. You ever drink water?
Mm-hmm.
Seems like you're like strictly mountain dew or something like that.
It's the energy that I'm like, like, you have.
Is the boy winning?
Does he do good out there?
Yeah.
Do you take a piece of it?
Take a piece of the money?
No.
A piece of the bell buckle? Yeah, I got one of his buckles. Oh, so. Do you take a piece of it? Take a piece of the money? If you make the money.
I don't take it.
A piece of the belt buckle.
Yeah, I got one of his buckles.
Oh, shit.
Wow, look at that.
There was.
That was the moment where I came in my pants, everybody.
All right, Justin.
Fun times, here's a little joke book.
Thank you.
Justin Landers, everybody.
You gave him the miniature.
Yeah, he's getting miniature, Kirk said.
A miniature joke book.
All right, this looks like a new name.
Let's see what happens here.
Mixed in this for Frank Awasika.
Frank Awasika for Awasika. Yeah, so when I was younger, I used to have a lot of trouble talking to pretty girls.
To my uncle, he told me, they're just living, breathing, shitting human beings, just like
you.
But now every time I talk to a woman, I picture them taking a shit.
Why do I use so much corn?
If you couldn't tell by that ass joke, I am a virgin.
Yep, vagina's have a long history of ducking me.
I was a C-section.
Yeah, I joke about it now, but I'll tell you what. That one hurts me the most. I was trying
to get into that pussy for like nine months. All that and the doctor just cocked block
me, bro. He pulled me out of there and he was like, I was like, man, what the heck? And
he was like, man, I had to get you out of there.
If you hit us, you would just be pushing for like 72 hours.
And there's corn all over my operating table.
Oh, please.
OK, Frank, I was Seika.
By far, one of the funniest floating pink hats
we've ever had on the show before.
Absolutely incredible.
I've never seen a pink hat do an entire 60 seconds set like that before.
That was amazing.
Frank, welcome.
How long you been on stand up?
A few years now.
Okay, we're at.
Mostly here in Austin.
And here in Austin.
Is this where you're born and raised?
No, I was born in raised in Houston, Texas.
Houston, Texas.
Hell yeah, a lot of fans of Houston here.
Are you really a virgin?
Yes and no.
Can you give us an explanation on exactly what you mean?
OK.
At this time of writing the joke, whenever
people ask me that question, I kind of sideways it, right?
Because the term virgin is a social construct, I guess, you could say.
So whenever you guys ask me about it,
I'm talking, you're talking about like,
oh, it has been in some punani.
But whenever I say I'm a virgin, I'm talking about alcohol.
Like I don't drink alcohol.
Wait, what?
I'm a virgin to alcohol. At least when I wrote that joke, yeah, that alcohol. Wait, what? I'm a virgin to alcohol.
At least when I wrote that joke, yeah, that's.
Wait, what?
What the fuck just happened?
Yeah, that's crazy.
You admitted to a totally different thing,
that's not gonna do with the C section.
So have you been inside of a woman or a man
or anything before you a virgin?
These are real personal questions you're asking me to own.
Hell yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.
Show you thought you signed up for, but you're in it.
It's not all corn and games.
Yeah, exactly.
This is the real deal.
I mean, you mentioned it.
You talked about it during your set.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'm just going back to try to figure out.
Yeah, yeah, Tony. I've got a lot of stuff.
What else we could talk about?
I've been in some pussy, yeah.
Hell yeah, how old are you?
I'm 26.
26 years old. What do you do for work?
I thought pushing.
Well, there's many twists and turns.
I recently had a change of occupations,
and right now, my main source of income is poker.
Poker?
Yeah.
OK.
But it's also my main source of debt, so.
What are we talking about?
How much do you spend, or how many hours do you spend playing poker?
Too much, too much.
Maybe like...
Seven, eight hours a day.
A day.
See your online.
Most of the time.
Right, so wow.
That's your...
Even talking to him, he doesn't wanna tell you what he has.
Right, yeah.
I don't like to give out personal information.
You're keeping your cards very close to your chest.
Hey, that's good for comedy.
You're gonna go please.
Yeah, hold it all in and make up shit.
I can guess, make him figure out my joke on the river.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love it.
So tell us more about you.
What can you talk about, Frank?
I'll see.
What do you do for fun?
Tell us more about Frank.
Uh, I like to play.
I like to do for fun.
Hold on.
Huh?
Last time you asked me this question, right?
Oh, you've been on this show before.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you have a big joke book.
Wow.
How do I not remember you?
What's under the pink hat?
You won that in the poker game.
I like to play basketball.
What?
What?
I like to play basketball.
Why'd you look at your...
You wrote it down to remember that.
Wait, let me see what I like to play.
Fucking basketball.
I am a basketball player in my front.
Frank, you're an interesting character.
Yeah, I try to be.
So what, I asked you what you do,
but I feel like we got off track.
You switched occupations.
What is it now?
Uh, poker.
And what was it then?
You said you switched occupations.
Well, I didn't switch.
I got into, at a little mass, I didn't switch. I got into a
LMS at my last job. I got into a bit of altercation. Okay, tell us about that. Okay
So All right, so it's a
Not that serious. It's a wee bit of a just tell us a story. We'll decide if it's serious. Yes, and everything else
What happened? Where were you out? What kind of job was this? I'm waiting these tables, right, in a waiter and a restaurant.
A middle-aged woman comes in.
She has short hair, a business suit.
Karen.
Karen, you can say that.
She looks kind of like Jamie Lee Curries, but imagine she always had a rock in her shoe.
Yes, she comes in and she, everything's all right, right?
She's wearing a suit.
I'm like, all right, you can have a seat.
And everything's normal as a business casual.
And she orders a lobster and great choice
because the tip on that is like $8 at the time.
So, you know, I'm already liking her.
The tip on that is like $8.
And then, okay, long story short, I get her the food.
I was at home.
I was at home.
Never thought I'd miss miniatures.
Oh, long story short.
Okay, so we get her the food, right?
And not even 10 minutes goes by.
And-
Oh, it's gone by.
She's not even 10 minutes goes by and then
she's like excuse me right we I have to go she's like I'd like to check and
I was like oh I hope everything's okay she's like yeah no I just have to get
out of here yeah keep going so she's like yeah yeah, I don't know.
I just have to get out of here.
And I was like, okay, well, I can get you a doggy bag.
She's like, no, no, no, no, that's okay.
I'm not going to finish it.
You call it a doggy bag or a tego box?
Doggy bag.
Okay.
All right, you're going down treacherous territories.
Here we go, head.
And she goes, no, no, no.
It's okay, I would just like to check.
So I slept there across the face.
Really?
You gotta get your shit together, Sharon.
You can't be wasting all this food.
There's starving kids in Africa.
Okay, so you're like joking right now?
Yeah, I'm joking.
Okay, so what really happened?
I didn't where I was not a waiter. I worked at a
God that's all right there. He goes Frank. I was seek everybody not as best night. Hell yeah, it's all good
It's all good. It's all good. It happens to everybody Frank. I was seek everybody. There he goes
Absolutely, there goes Frank everyone
There he goes. Absolutely, there goes Frank, everyone.
Yeah, yikes.
Maybe it's low blood sugar.
These people tend to get diabetes and whatnot.
So it could be anything.
Let's not judge a book by its color.
I feel I just got diabetes.
It could be something could be,
it could be a medical event or something like that.
That's all just a bit of a draw.
Did you not play poker with him, but everyone was just full.
It's so easy.
If you're in the interview part of this show, all you have to do is like answer the questions
honestly and you can end up looking good, but yikes, whatever that was.
Gently used, barely sanitized.
The skate's my smell funky, but the comedy is always fresh.
Catch DJ Demaris, starring in the brand new secondhand sporting goods workplace comedy
One More Time, new series Tuesday on CBC gem
at sales force we're all about asking more of AI
Questions like where's the data going? Is it secure? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure?
Get answers you can trust from sales force at askmorevei.com
All right makes mistakes for your next bucket pool
You guys said you like to win people do bad so I don't feel bad for you guys at all.
Your next bucket pool, anything can happen.
This looks like a new name, one word name, we love those.
Mixed one noise for Chen, everybody.
Let's see what happens with Chen.
The Killtony debut, I do believe, of Chen.
It is indeed Chen, everybody.
Come on, mix the noise for Chan everyone.
Hello, hello.
So Christmas is upon us.
It says season for gifts.
And well, Jesus too, right?
And so, and so, then you have to think about
the different kind of gifts that we get.
And, well, the one gift that always irked me
was something like the gift of life,
because the person who mentions it
usually follows it up with like what you owe them like
You know when you go to church they talk about the gift of life when you go visit your mom
She's like I gave you the gift of life. So you owe me
But the thing with these kind of gifts is like I didn't ask for it
I'm just giving it and by the time I'm already here. It's already too late so I don't ask for it. I'm just giving it. And by the time I'm already here, it's already too late.
So I don't know.
And so gifts are these kind of things.
Woo!
Woo!
OK.
Chen.
Everybody.
Absolutely.
All right. Let's talk about it.
Chen, fuck yeah, I love it.
You are a, you an Asian woman?
What's going on here, exactly?
I don't know exactly.
I don't know what they are right now.
Oh, man.
What's going on, Chen?
OK.
I am just kidding.
How are you?
Are you okay?
Is it your first time doing stand-up? No, I actually... Well, actually... Well, first time doing stand-up,
but this is not my first mic. Right. Yes. And about the previous question, I'm actually trans,
but the thing is, I'm not like one of those that force people to call me pronouns, because I think that's just wrong.
Which direction are you going in, trans? I don't even know where you started and where you're going.
I don't know if that's a rude question. Quite honestly, this is Kiltoni, and I can say whatever I want.
So I have no regrets here. But I'm really, I really have no idea it could go either way right now.
The pronoun now would be a crapshoot, right?
Right.
I'm actually going for male to female.
Wow.
Okay, male to female, beautiful, beautiful.
I love it. It's stunning. No, it's great.
Oh, you're very pretty. It's amazing.
Well, you're on the right track.
Redban is two shots of Tequila away from fucking the show. Yeah.
I mean, the beer goggles are really helping around the scene, actually.
I love it.
So, Chen, that's great.
This is all good to find out.
I love it.
So when did you realize that you were a woman or feel like you were a woman? When did that start? How old are you?
Right now I'm 32 actually.
32. So when does it start for you?
When I was young, I... Well, it's not... So... Okay, okay, okay.
This is one of those really weird ones because when you look at people who became trans,
a lot of times it's people who
strongly want to be a woman when they first started out.
But I'm not like that.
It's more like, first of all,
like I'm okay with being a boy,
but don't want to be a man.
And- You're okay with being a boy, but but don't want to be a man.
You're okay with being a boy, but you don't want to be a man.
Yes.
Are you sure you're on the right track?
Well, and also, I don't have the desire to dominate things either.
In fact, I'm actually submissive, but that's another topic.
Ooh, red band.
Look how excited red band is. Submissive.
And, um, and, um, well, and, and I, and also like cute and soft things.
You like what?
I like cute and soft things too.
Okay.
I'm right here.
Hell yeah.
And, and I think we're all about as soft as it gets right now.
Oh.
And personally, you're close enough.
Well, thank you.
That means a lot to me.
So what are we out of here?
Are you thinking about turning your egg roll into a rice bowl?
What's going on here?
What are we talking about? Let's get into the look look
The first time I came to Qtoni was when I was September 4th actually this of this year of this year
Yes, you were on the show. No, I was in the oh, I was gonna say your transition's going really well because I do not remember you at all
September 4th you were in the audience.
Yes, and it captivated me, and I'm here for the violence.
So don't go easy on me.
Okay, all right.
I was told this before, but I was more opener.
You're a passive-watcher.
You're a passive-watcher.
And I'm also submissive, and I like paying, so, you know.
Okay, back to submissive, you're really pushing this.
You're basically using the show as a dating app right now.
I love it.
So you started your set with Hello, Hello.
Is that a trademark, do you think, moving forward?
Well, not yet, but if it is something
that I'm subconsciously doing, I might as well make it.
Okay, now you're wearing a Dungeons and Dragons hoodie.
So let's just jump right into that.
Are you a pro player?
Actually no.
Someone's very upset about that.
They had very high expectations
for your Dungeons and Dragons.
However, I do play Dungeons and Dragons online
and I also play the folders. You also also play Little Dungeons and Faggins.
You know what I mean?
Hey!
I can promise you Dungeons, but not so much dragons.
Right, I bet there is indeed
the old brown dungeon over there.
Very submissive if you have...
I'd love to see your avatar.
Yeah, what are you, a cleriker?
What are you?
I'm actually a druid. Oh, what are you, a cleric or what are you? I'm actually a druid.
Oh, that's right.
Oh, that's right.
You're a quirky spouse.
I like nature things, but I mix in fire and the holy at the same time.
Wow.
I mean, I have no idea what you're the fuck you're talking about.
It's unbelievable.
It's very interesting.
Do you also play Magic the Gathering?
Actually, that one I do play.
Yes, wow, we are shocked.
Wow, I do believe the crowd goes wild
in absolute shock and horror.
Nobody thought it coming.
You do?
Actually, Tony, I do.
I love the dramatic pause there.
Wow, tell us more, rattle off some more nerd things about you. It's very interesting.
Well, I play World of Warcraft with my friends. Oh my god. Hit it again. Hit it again.
All right. Tell us something else.
Well, you're very hard mode.
Actually, do you play an expert mode? Expert mode. Actually. Do you play an expert mode?
Expert mode.
Do you play most games in expert mode?
No.
Oh, well.
Actually, I am surprised at that one.
Because I'm actually more American than Asians.
So if you have expectations of me carrying the whole parking
of American, are you Native American?
I'm not exactly sure.
All right.
Believe it or not, I'm actually born from Wuhan.
Oh.
Which is unfortunate.
Wow.
And I think you're going to end up in a laboratory.
I saw that. I saw that.
I could tell. I spent a month there.
There's many things to talk about, but...
Oh, we have time.
Yeah, no, we do.
You're going to have an extra long interview here, no doubt about it.
A very compelling story.
So tell us more about this transitioning adventure.
What are some things you do to be more...
If you're becoming more lady-like or some goals for you or whatever...
Are you basically just saying anyone can fuck you at any time in your asshole?
Well, I am by, so, you know, but...
How often do you hook up with women?
And when you do, do you consider that like a lesbian relationship, do you?
Do you have them like, eat out where your balls are?
I don't know, these are a question.
Welcome to Texas, this is figuring out
trans and Texas, of Tony. Trans, Texas, Tony, triple T. So actually I only
been with one woman before. One woman, I like how you use plural there, I don't
believe you. I've only been with one woman. Did it identify as multiple women?
No, she was an exchange student.
Oh, man.
You really are good.
I'm American.
Look at that.
Pounding out an exchange student.
She got her sit in the ship,
and I guess I wasn't as successful as she wanted,
so we do work out.
That makes sense.
So you put your weiner in her peepee hole?
No, she's a girl. Right, but I'm saying you put your penisiner in her peepee hole? No, she's a girl.
Right, but I'm saying you put your penis in her vagina?
Used to, yeah.
Right.
I've already forgotten what direction you're going in.
Right.
Which way is the truth?
Used to.
But now you don't.
Why don't you?
You can't.
I don't think having sex with your ex-wives of a vagina
is part of the alimony.
So was your wife?
She was my wife at this point.
This is great.
We're figuring out a riddle while doing an interview
at the same time.
Well, Tony, the reason why I don't put the penis in the vagina
is because it's my ex-wife.
Oh, look who's back.
Famous homophobe.
Dean Madness.
Just in time.
Just in time for your worst nightmare, Dee.
We've been missing your scoffs and earplugs
for minutes over here.
You're gonna love this one, Dee.
I'm excited.
Well, let's just say we got a she-man
that's trying to turn into a he-manness
or some shit like that.
The other way, but yes.
Have you practiced your woman voice yet?
I actually looked into it today.
Let's see how many of you want to hear a little bit of a...
All right.
Here she is.
Can everybody?
Oh, so hard to be woman.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm an American and I am Asian.
I would do laundry the other day and I'm like,
oh, this is so much fun because I'm a lady.
I love being lady.
I'm gonna cook spaghetti better than the other guy.
I sell low-main noodle out of my pants.
All right, I'm sorry.
We'll edit that out, don't cancel me.
No, no, no, it's fine.
It's very funny.
I'm sorry.
Oh, don't.
And look, look, I actually haven't been practicing
my woman voice.
Oh.
Let's hear it, though.
Let's hear what you think.
Come on, let's just try a little bit.
I can't do it.
It doesn't work because it only works.
I was born with a dog.
I am a woman ladylike.
I'm a druid.
No, Tony.
I'm trying to.
Tony, my women voice only, right now my women voice only comes out when I have sex.
So, oh, shut up.
So I can't really.
Michael, shove your helmet up his ass
Demand this is officially freaking out. That's a if you're wondering. He doesn't have a mic on so I'll keep you guys
You might still be
You know. That's true.
That's true. Tony.
Okay.
So, Chen,
so your lady voice only happens when you're having sex?
Yes, unfortunately.
Okay.
But what else is happening?
What are some things you do or do you like,
do you like, overly, you like, get dressed up as a woman,
you have like dresses and stuff?
Not publicly, because I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
You don't want to make people uncomfortable.
I'm like a really, I'm like a really considerate,
like pretty.
You're really pretty, you ever.
Let me ask you this, hold on a second,
because you just said something really interesting.
You just said you're a considerate,
yeah, friends. Yes. So are you saying that other trans people something really interesting. You just said you're a considerate friends, right?
So are you saying that other trans people are inconsiderate for being so blatant
and overly annoying about their stance on everything?
Yeah.
You think that they're being inconsiderate?
You with your powerful voice in the absolute field?
Well, the way I see it is until I become passable
I'm not gonna push myself on people.
Okay, yeah.
And why do you think so many other
unpassable people try?
I'm here.
This is the interview.
people try. Hi, I'm here.
This is the interview.
Idiot meets trans person, live.
Well, they grow into a rice bowl.
Now, it's something like this.
It's actually really hard to be a guy.
You think about it because I've been saying that my whole life life I've been really struggling with it. Yeah, go on. Yeah, now you're talking because
So so I know it was hard to be a guy but I didn't have the words for it until I saw this channel called
Homeath on YouTube is actually pretty good. I know that's more go on homeath
Homeath. Yes, it yes, it's good stuff.
And he mentioned that so for when, and this is almost too simple, but for guys, guys value
looks, value, like personality, and then maybe share some hobbies, right?
But for women, when they look at guys,
your ability to provide goes on the nice value,
but your ability to be mean and also be dominating
goes on a bad boy scale.
So for a man to be desirable,
they both have to have the ability to provide,
but they also have to have the ability to dominate
and also make a few, I guess, wanted, I guess.
Yeah, and I was thinking the same thing.
That's really fucking real right on.
And it's one of those things where once you become trans,
where you look at the world from both the men's perspective
and the women's perspective.
Okay, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I almost said dude, but I said not myself.
I got so ADHD during your explanation of that
that I literally started thinking about the song ADHD
from the guy that makes spaghetti out of his
what he called industrial-sized apartment,
which I'm pretty sure is a fucking janitor's closet.
Okay, I love it.
Any other fun facts about Jen that we should know?
Well, well, they're actually plenty.
My...
So, when I was in the audience, like everyone here, I made a promise that I wanted to be good
on stage because I saw the bases here and I
then went, oh my god. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Look, comedy is the anti-toxen to social media if you really think about it.
Because if you look at social media, people are like having fantastic lives all the time, right?
But in comedy, people bomb a lot of times.
So you realize that life is not as good as social media, but it's also not as bad as, you know, stand up comedy. Transition into complicated.
Yeah, it really is.
It really is.
But.
Well, Chen, a very, very interesting interview.
I'm going to give you a big joke book,
because I like the interview.
Thank you.
Fun stuff.
Here you go.
Ooh, catches like a man.
Ah.
Ah.
Shit.
There goes Chen, everybody. You're going to get a Joe Bl Oh. Oh. Shit. There goes Chen, everybody.
You're going to get a Joe Blaster as well.
Absolutely.
This girl is.
She bows.
I don't know if you guys notice, I have a little Asians left in her.
All right, we're going back to the bucket.
Mixed with her Sam Castillo, everybody.
Sam Castillo, everybody. Sam Castillo. smell like our food. Yeah. It's a very loving home, but you know, it's rough. I remember
when I met her family, everyone in her family were arranged marriages and they told us,
if you guys get married, you're going to be the first ever love marriage. And our family,
I said, same for mine. Now I Uh. Now I'm dating again.
I'm recovering drug addict.
Dating sober is difficult.
Sex is sober is difficult because you actually have to like be there, you know.
You can't just phone it in drunk.
Like, it took me two and a half hours to come the other night and the score was like,
oh my god, you have so much stamina.
I was like, no, I just don't love you.
It's difficult to scroll, it's like, I get addiction.
I'm addicted to spin class.
I was like, I've never stolen from my family
to write a bike that goes nowhere.
Yeah, that...
All right, thank you.
All right, let's give it up for Sam Casio.
Hi. Hey. All right, thank you guys give it up for Sam Casio
Welcome to the show
Where is everybody Sam how long you been doing comedy for about five years five years here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, I started here cool. What was your first car?
What was your first car?
My first car it was a
GMC truck. Wow, you get a hand me down or did you like save up for it? Or yeah, it was it was a hand me down Kurt. What do you think about this guy?
It's interesting
So an Indian food Indian food. Yeah
You suck, dude.
No, I'm kidding.
I didn't see anything.
How did it go?
Do it again.
One, two, three, four.
Now, OK.
Holy shit.
What the fuck are you, dude?
What did I miss?
How do you think it went?
If you had to update me, I got a double bag
of IV drip today from our good friends
over a connect to mobile health. Went for the double bag. And drip today from our good friends over a connectable health went for the double bag
And it turns out you get one of those and drink and drink water
Sometimes you're just I had to make a choice either IP or I pee my pants
I have a feeling I would not have peed my pants by the sound of the audience
Doing your set though. So you're recovering from what? What's your drug?
What's your drug?
Oh, what am I, what am I drugs of choice?
Well, you said you're a good guy.
I was recovering.
Yeah.
Was it pills?
I was addicted to everything.
Pills was mainly benzose.
They had pills on the shire?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was addicted to Xanax was the main one.
I was also a coke addict.
There was an also an alcanolic.
Nice. I really wanted to buy it. I was about to buy you a was the main one, I was also a Coke addict, I was an also an alcanolic. Nice.
I really wanted to play.
Tell them about your wildest night.
Wildest one.
I just got a public intoxication.
Two days after getting a minor possession,
it was like my first week here.
That was when I was at just a minute.
The minor possession, you're with a young girl?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A miniature, as we call them.
Yeah.
Are you transitioning?
I just got done.
Your hair is transitioning.
Oh, yeah.
Was it the last comic?
Went from a billbo to a Frodo.
All right.
I love it.
What do you do for work?
I'm a line cook. Okay. how long have you been knowing standup?
About like five years.
Five years, all of it in Austin?
Yeah.
Okay, how's it going for you?
It's going pretty good.
What was your best joke tonight? Do it again.
Best joke tonight was, uh, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t When you're sober, you actually have to have sober sex with somebody. It's difficult to like, you have to be there.
You can't just fake it, drunk.
The day I had sex, it took me two hours to come.
And this girl was like, wow, you have a lot of stamina.
I just told her, no, I just don't love you.
I like to better the first time.
Well, I'm sorry.
Did it get a laugh the first time?
Okay.
Thank you, guys.
Oh, thank you. Thanks for being there for me. How
are you? I just turned 30. What do you do for fun? I just started boxing. It's a lot of fun.
All right, put the mic in the mic stand. Let's get a spotlight and let's see a little bit
about boxing. You got some boxing for me, Matt? You like? All right, look out that way. Don't look at me in box. Alright, here he
goes. He's bossing. Oh shit. Wow, absolutely terrible. Horrific. You have to get your
right hand out. You have to, you don't, you don't remember them telling you that?
Whoa, you almost hit yourself there. Oh shit. You're beating the shit out of yourself. Whoa
My god, oh, you're literally the worst boxer I've ever seen
Literally, I'm like three weeks into it. Wow
At a gym at a boxing gym. Yeah, you go to a boxing gym for the last three weeks
Yeah, and that's where you're out right now.
So what you came out with.
I'm like boxing now.
It's the fundamentally the weakest boxing I've ever seen.
I know.
And you're paying for that.
Get your hands up.
Yeah, that's kind of like a free lesson.
Do you have any idea how many times you would have gotten
hit in the face by anybody with using that form in any,
not only boxing, but even a any fight whatsoever.
Yeah, I wouldn't fucked up.
Yeah, I know a guy that makes Bigetty
would have beat the shit out of you, dude.
That's all I'm gonna say about that.
Biggest fun fact about your life
that we would find interesting, your entire life.
30 years.
I'm an identical twin.
Oh.
Is he a drug addict also?
No, no, he's a naval officer.
How do you think you guys ended up so different?
Just our parents really pushed this in different life paths.
Give us an example of what you mean by that.
My dad's just like, he had to go to court order
of anger management therapy.
He was just a real crazy guy.
I was like a therapist.
He just kind of like, do you get angry now too sometimes? No. 30 years old. Go to court ordered anger management therapy. He was just a real crazy guy. I was like a therapist.
He just kind of like, do you get angry now, too, sometimes?
No.
30 years old.
You have a, you think you have a little spark of that
and you're, yeah, I work on it.
Yeah, what's the last time, last time you got really angry?
Yeah, can you tell us about that?
Did you hit someone like,
I'm gonna show you.
Fucking nay. Bye. I'm gonna show you fucking nay
Bye, should any idea hello much lower. I can keep my hands
You fight like the Notre Dame logo
Sucker and second dash
I'm gonna pee some this. Out low, me, man.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
All right.
The fuck was my last question?
Oh, last time I got really angry.
Yeah, come on, tell us about it.
I had like a bit of road rage.
I've been a road rage problem.
But I mean, a specific time, a good, angry time.
Oh, I guess I fist-fought my dad.
Well, a couple of weeks, months ago. Fist-bumped? Fist-fought my dad. Well, a couple of months ago.
Fist-bumped?
Fist-fought.
Okay, let's talk about it.
Shit.
Please, so how does it start?
Take us from the very beginning.
My dad was just like, just give me a hard time about my life.
Like, what?
What is he saying?
Try to be specific.
It doesn't have to be funny.
I had gotten out of a relationship.
He's like, you're moving, you got to roommate it 30, you're breaking even
when you feature on the road.
You're like, kind of a loser.
I'm like, yeah, I know.
What does your dad do?
He's a super intended for construction sites.
So he like, he builds high rises.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
So he's talking shit to you about being an artist. Are you making a little bit of money at all?
I'm paying about half my bills with comedy. Do you know? Do you live with them? No, right? You live on your own. I got a roommate right now. Right. Yeah. Okay. So he's
Stuck in the structure. What's that? Is your roommate a boxing instructor? No, no.
It's like Pays and Rent. He's trying to fight. Okay. So your dad is telling you that you're
just breaking even featuring on the road blah blah blah blah and you say what?
You never chased your dreams dad. Well he was a he was a failed actor so I told
him you're a failed fucking actor. Oh, by the way, if you guys don't know,
because I know there's some Texans here,
maybe you don't know this.
But if you're a failed actor,
there is nothing worse in the world
than being called a failed actor.
Like it is like a, it's an unbelievable thing.
A failed actor is a rare, rare bird
because they have to depend on other people to hire them for a specific thing. And a failed actor with a rare, rare bird because they have to depend on other people
to hire them for a specific thing.
And a failed actor with a failed son, I mean, fuck.
Yeah. Exactly.
It's a fucking... Exactly.
That's one fail. That's one that starts adding up.
You just fucking...
And you have to realize...
You guys fought. I would have liked to see that fight.
Oh, yeah. We're getting to it. We're almost there.
But let me just tell you, let me just tell you,
because I know this, but like failed actors have a thing
where they go, they go their whole lives,
so they'll see, you know, fucking movies of great actors,
and they think themselves, I could have done that.
What kind of looked does he have?
He's got like a jet black mustache.
I'm half Mexican, so he's just got like full hairy forms
and like it looks like El Chavo.
He's very chubby.
Oh, okay, very chubby.
And he really tried to act for a while.
He tried hard.
Yeah, he was like a stage actor.
Like, he was a thespian and whatnot,
what to call it now.
He's a construction superintendent,
you're chasing your dreams.
It's okay.
So you called him a failed actor
and then he lunges at you?
He told me I was gonna die alone.
Ooh, I loved that one.
That's actually one of my favorite insults
to use on my children that I hate.
Yeah, I'm kidding, I don't have kids,
but I would.
If you were my kid, I would say that.
Thank you.
Okay, he says you're gonna die alone and then what do you say to him? I would say that. Thank you. Okay.
He says you're gonna die alone, and then what do you say to him?
I just was smart, I said,
I just go, I'm gonna fucking die with roommates.
It's even worse.
That's amazing.
I like that.
I love it.
You just talk harder, you talk deeper shit about it.
That was sad.
I'm gonna die with fucking roommates.
I said, cold ramen noodles on my lap, bro.
With a fucking empty pop tart wrapper at my feet.
Missing one sock for some reason.
That's how I'm gonna die.
All right, so then what happens?
And so then he's like, put down your dukes.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Just body shots for sure even though your head fully exposed
I mean absolutely incredible. So when was this fight? I was a few months ago, right? So you're like fuck this dad got the best of me. I'm going to the boxing gym
You and your dad have a rocky relationship. We're good now kind of the one one that made me push into boxing was I fist
out my brother and he knocked over the Christmas tree and so that's why I started boxing.
Uh-huh. Yeah. So you fight your brother. I also fought my brother.
Your twin brother? Yeah. Oh my God. The title of the Titan really fucked me up. Yeah. Yeah.
He went into the Navy and you went into the fucking... Nothing.
Right.
Wow.
Did he knock over the tree trying to hit you?
Yeah, he was pretty drunk.
He spun around and knocked over the tree.
Fuck.
Alright, Sam, well.
I honestly have no idea what happened.
I went pee for the first time in absolute years
during somebody's set, but you're still getting a little joke book.
There you go, Sam Castillo, everybody.
I don't think I can do the double bag of the IV anymore.
Before I show.
Get a little pee bag under the chair.
I think we need a pee bag.
Yoni, or a pee bag.
I shall piss in my throne from here on out.
For I almost soiled my shorts on this day.
Ha ha ha ha.
All right, back to the show.
And we're back.
Hello everybody.
All right, Red Band saying this should be the last bucket
pull of the night.
We started a little late, I don't know.
Makes some noise for 60 seconds uninterrupted
from Bill Rhodes, everybody.
Bill Rhodes.
Oh, short to shit, baby.
We'll just take this up here.
Getting there, everybody, I am Bill Rhodes, the Falmouth teacher.
I am actually a teacher, which is kind of fucked up,
because as a college
student I was absolutely horrible. If you pull up my high school transcripts, you
can see that this young lady right here is not the only one with 34 sees in this
room. Before I became a teacher, I worked in the prison system for a long time.
I was a riot team commander, a captain, and I felt like I needed something more like
dangerous, something more exciting in my life, so I started teaching middle school.
The more I worked with inmates and students, I realized there's a lot of parallels, right?
So constantly I heard, just constantly bitching about like the cafeteria food, how horrible
it was.
I was constantly telling them to walk on the right side of the hallway and the only way
to get fired is to fight one or fuck one, right?
And even then, I feel like I'd just get shipped to another campus.
Thank you. I'm Bill Rhodes. That's my time.
Bill Rhodes. Okay. Hi, Bill. How are you?
Hey, Tony, how are you? Great. So you're really a middle school teacher?
Unfortunately, yes. Fuck yeah. Are you want to like those like, uh,
what's that show? Like scared to death or something like that?
Like you're scared straight. Yeah scared to get your fucking shirt to girl or constantly
What constantly? Okay, I love it. Where are you doing this middle school teaching on in a little
Big town called Hutto, Texas. I'll probably fired for saying that. Thank you. Go hippos
There you go, really you know hippos right with the hippos. There you go. You know hippos, right?
You guys are the hippos?
Yeah.
That's correct.
How the fuck did you know that?
That's where I live.
A whole.
Yeah, like I literally, I've lived more in the United
also.
I was in 34 seats.
You live in the home of the hippos?
Yeah.
You have your hippo that has a home in the home of the hippos?
Yep.
Don't tell anybody else here, please.
I mean, it's on the internet. I love it.
OK, Bill Rhodes.
How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
About two and a half months.
OK.
What made you want to start doing this?
I have to entertain seventh graders constantly,
so I figure if I could, like, I don't know.
I feel like I could juggle on a unicycle,
and sometimes kids don't get it, so I had to
step up my game and do something better to get the attention of people, specifically kids.
Could you juggle on a unicycle?
God no, I'm bad.
He's a fuck, I have no coordination whatsoever.
Can I say one thing to you, man?
Parallel.
It's one word, right?
Are you an English teacher?
I am a history teacher.
Okay.
I'm just letting you know, you know.
Parallel.
Let me tell you where the history of the word parallel comes from.
You said a parallel.
Correct.
Incorrect.
Say it again.
Parallel.
Parallel.
Parallel. Parallel. Parallel.
Parallel.
I'm not a math teacher.
It's not, wouldn't be math either.
We're going down.
We're going down a lonely road here.
I'm not a gym teacher, Tony.
I love it.
I'm not an intelligent teacher.
I mean, Martina,
tell the kids,
What?
Seas get degrees. Se's getting degrees. What?
She's get degrees.
She's get degrees.
Okay, absolutely.
Meteority all the way.
I love it.
Is that where you're from, Bill?
I'm from Taylor Throl in that area, close to her.
Do you give a motorcycle or something like that?
I kind of look like someone from Santa Manarchy, but fucky but fuck someone from dynasty in a Walmart bathroom.
But no, sure.
I feel like most of your students will end up in prison.
And I would be the first person to send them money for ramen noodles.
I love my kids.
Okay, hold on here Bill, let's slow it down.
What is your secret double life?
Because there's definitely something going on.
You have like a leather mask that you wear on weekends or something like that.
I'm boring, I'm boring.
I have three kids that I had custody of for most of my life
and recently remarried.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let's just slow it down.
You said that you have three kids
who you had custody of most of your life.
You still have custody of them?
I do.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Mom had like the internet and did other things.
What do you mean? She left
What and what did she do left me with three kids? I don't care right you didn't follow up at all
No, my kids are with me right. Do you know where she is?
She is I
Don't know wherever some guy on the internet was from
Right, how do you know she left you for some guy on the internet? She told you that
Kind of right Right. Tell us more. Oh, so when I worked at a prison, I worked long nights all the time and I came home and one day she just decided she didn't want to
be there anymore. So. Did she leave a letter or something? No, she was there. She told
you in person. Yeah, she was like, I'm out like a fat kid in Dodgeball.
She said that?
Yeah, for real.
Were you already a middle school teacher when she said that?
I was a high school teacher at that time.
Yeah.
And you were once the fat kid playing Dodgeball, weren't you?
I am still the fat kid playing Dodgeball.
Right, absolutely.
OK, so how old are your kids?
My youngest is 15, my boys are,
it's my daughter, I can have one, that's it.
And my boys are 19 and 20.
Wow, 19 and 20, are they built
like a accountant beef cakes as well?
My youngest son is, he looks like he didn't have a mom
like he fell right out of my ass.
Oh.
Okay.
He looks like he didn't have a mom, you said?
Yeah, for real.
He didn't.
Cheap.
There you go.
She left pretty quick.
How did you overcompensate for them not having a mom?
Did you do some like Mrs. Doubtfire shit at all?
Yeah.
I bought a Jeep Wrangler. Okay.
No, I used to take my daughter to get like pedicures,
manicures, stuff like that.
And just, you know, you're a good dad.
He stepped up.
Look at that.
He stepped up.
That lady said, was that chent sitting back out there?
It's chet.
Yeah, well, I'd be concerned if Chad's doing his woman's voice.
Do you know what that means?
Oh, my goodness.
It smells like a Wuhan lab leak back there.
All right.
Bill Rhodes.
Wow.
Wow.
Interesting.
So, what's your love life like now?
What are you, uh, what are you into?
I'm coming up on my fourth year of marriage
Oh, you found a second wife. I did and my wife she had never been married no kids
So like my daughter finally has somebody to not hate in the house
Interesting. You keep your new wife off the internet. I
Actually wasn't big on the internet until I met her
Okay, and then what changed?
I became a teacher.
I worked in the prison system for a long time.
I just didn't have time and when I became a teacher.
What did you do in the prison system?
I was a riot team commander.
I beat people up for a living.
You catch a lot of guys about raping other men in jail.
I actually did.
You didn't? I living. You catch a lot of guys, a butt raping other men in here. I actually didn't. Yeah.
You didn't?
I did.
You did.
Can you explain to the people what that's like?
And so slowly, slowly, red banding.
When a daddy and a daddy love each other very much.
No.
That's parallel.
Yeah, parallel.
Parallel, lullel, lullel.
No, I mean, I walked into the barber shop and saw one guy, you know,
Do one what?
Do it as a guy.
Yeah, he's getting his winged mouthified like they were earning
Barber credit. What was that? No, I don't they were earning barber credit
Okay, it's prison talk. Sorry. All right
Barber credit not blow blow job credit. Is a blow job. You second is dick for
haircuts. That's where the money is. Great.
Great. The easiest thing you've seen happen as a middle school teacher. While this
thing that surprised you that you've seen these rabble rousing kids nowadays up
to. I the classroom.
I had a kid for an entire year, fake that he had Tourette syndrome.
Oh, and he would like yell shit out.
Genius!
That's gonna be the fucking smartest kid ever taught.
And so I have, yeah, that's genius.
I have Tourette syndrome.
Like I used to have like the little switches and stuff.
So like I fell in love with this kid.
I'm like, oh, you know, I'm getting beat.
Oh my God.
Well, not like that.
Not like that.
What are his tics?
So his tics are like, boy, and Anshur has some big titties.
And these are people in the classroom.
I have that tic.
In the classroom.
Oh my God, he's a genius.
Are you aware that he's a genius?
I didn't know until after spring break,
when I called his smartest fucking-
Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking-
Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking-
Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking-
Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking-
Oh, that is what I call this, smartest fucking- Oh, that. So he would just say things that he wanted to,
he would just say things that he wanted to say.
Yeah, and he pretended like it was a medical condition.
And not only did he not get in trouble,
but you're like, it's okay.
You're all good, buddy.
It's okay, man.
I'm the dumb ass that didn't call mom.
Oh my God. was he doing it?
Did you end up talking with teachers about it
or were you too embarrassed?
Did you have the only one that fell for it?
I was his advocate.
I was like, I have turrets in two guys.
You have to give him a chance.
And he was like, let me suck on them titties.
That's awesome.
Was I new in the studio?
I'm honestly jealous of this kid
that I didn't think of that when I was in middle school.
I tried to get him to, I tried to get him moved to honors.
It really is.
I'm serious.
That's a fucking sign of intelligence.
How were the titties though?
Be honest.
You're like, OK.
So I'm going to say.
There were 73, I'm not allowed to see.
All right.
All right.
Tell me after. You would be, I'm not allowed to see. All right, all right. Tell me after.
You would be, you would be the most ruthless.
If there was a video game of pedophiles,
you would be the final boss.
There's no doubt about it.
It's like, oh, you got to deal with Mr. Rhodes,
the middle school teacher.
Come here, period.
I'm gonna fuck this shit out of you.
Oh, yeah.
15 years working in prison that I went to. Oh, now I'm gonna fuck this shit out of you! Oh yeah. 15 years working in prison that he went to elementary school.
You think you're gonna get to my prison riot experience?
Is it hurt when I touch you there?
Oh, there you go.
Look, he jumps right into the son of a bitch.
Alright, Bill Rhodes.
Fun times, my friend.
You're chasing a wild dream.
We're gonna bleep the fucking school system
that you mentioned.
That's alright.
Now I'm trying to get fired.
I need something else.
You'll be, well, then we will leave it in.
Hello, I'm Steve.
Just be you, man.
You're on track.
Thanks, mom.
There you go.
Bill Rhodes, everybody.
I'm off teacher.
Alright, there you go.
Take one of those. Oh, no, you dropped it. Now you gotta keep it everybody. All right, here you go take one of those. Oh, no, you dropped it now. You got to keep it here
Here
I'm just kidding here. Here you go bill roads everybody there goes bill roads
Bill roads
I got to rich man
Delrose. There you go. So I got Tourette, man.
Genius kid.
That kid that made up the Tourette's is going to be here
in fucking 14 years killing at 21 years old.
Mark my fucking words.
All right.
Next one noise to your final bucket poll of the night.
Tanner Tuddle, everybody. Tanner Tuddle, everybody.
Tanner Tuddle.
Very interesting name.
Let's see what happens here.
Tanner Tuddle.
Ah!
Hey!
So growing up, I had drug-y parents.
I don't know if anyone else grew up a drug addicts
or anything.
It kind of gives it away though,
when they come to a comedy club,
because they don't clap like this.
They clap like this! So, it really of gives it away though when they come to a comedy club because they don't clap like this. They clap like this.
So it really, really sticks out.
So, but also like when I was born,
I was a healthy sized baby,
I was eight pounds, 15 and a half ounces.
All right, decent sized baby.
My parents still tried to fight the nurse
and the doctor in that room.
My mom's waving a shiver and I'm like,
that baby was supposed to be a full nine pounds.
Where the fuck's that other half-ounds at?
There are my drugies.
All right, hell yeah, cool.
It's like, I get it.
Like, it sounds bad, but it's like growing up,
I always had a room full for my head.
We had food on the table every night.
We were super proper when we would eat, too.
Like, everything had to be in the right order, okay?
Your forks on the left, your knife and burnt spoons
to the right.
All right, that's my time.
Thank you guys.
All right, Tanner Tuddle.
Hi, Tanner.
Hello.
Where are you from?
Uh, Las Vegas, originally Cedars to Utah.
Okay. Now you live. Hi. Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi. Hi. Hi. club. Right. You look like the corpse of Kurt Cobain. That's incredible.
Unbelievable, man.
It just looks like anyone's welcome there.
Yeah, I guess so.
What do you do for fun living in Las Vegas
when you're not working?
Oh, man.
I like, you know, go to the gym and stuff like that.
I enjoy bowling, a lot of playing basketball.
I don't know the little activities.
Really?
Really, you do those things?
Yeah.
I bet you're great at basketball, huh? Master of none, I guess. I go, OK, little activities. Really? Really, you do those things? Yeah. I bet you're great at basketball, huh?
Master none, I guess, like, OK.
All right.
You have a good, like, two-step thing to roll lay up.
Did I'm more of, like, a rebounder box out?
Again, I know.
Do you guys?
If I asked you to box out right now, it
ended up like the boxer, said he could box earlier.
Slow motion, very bad form.
It was worse than that. Even you had a very much earlier, slow motion, very bad form. Just like that. It was worse than that.
All right.
Even you had a very much higher,
he had no idea that the face might be a good thing
to protect in a fist fight.
He's been boxing for three weeks.
Anyway, Tanner Tuddle, what are you on?
Adderall?
Negative.
I'm a little nervous as I'm just drinking.
T'Killah.
OK.
No uppers whatsoever.
Negative.
Negative. Negative. Wouldn't do it in a million fucking years. Nope. No uppers whatsoever. Negative. Negative.
Negative.
Wouldn't do it in a million fucking years.
No pants at all.
I mean, you heard about my parents.
Nah, I've watched them be druggies.
I was like, nah, I ain't doing that.
Right.
That makes sense.
Not doing drugs.
Booze is my thing, right?
That's your thought.
Yeah.
Booze and weed.
Booze, even if it's from the audience,
it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
How long have you been doing stand up?
Five years.
Five years.
Yeah.
Wow, and you love it.
Yeah.
Oh, absolutely.
And you don't want to say the club in Vegas that you're the manager of?
I enjoy it.
Would it hurt you or help you to say it?
That I don't know.
Let's skip it then.
All right.
Would tell us something interesting about your life that we'd be surprised to know other than your parents were drug addicts?
um
I
Did I bought a house when I was 21?
How to do that?
Dude, I have no idea, honestly. I was in 2011
I just needed to buy a house. I was tired of paying rent
So I was like, yo, can I buy this house? And they were like, yeah, your credit score is good enough
So I bought a house on my own at 21.
What was the down payment?
None.
What was the monthly payment?
Oh, dude, 540 if that a month.
So this was 2011, the market crash.
I paid 70 grand for the house.
Wow.
How old were you when you lost your house?
Ah!
That's why I moved to Vegas. No, I actually just sold it this past summer. So. What are you when you lost last year? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So I ended up profiting like I think like 35, 40K or something like that. Unbelievable.
So like now it's like I want to take that money and travel and do comedy more places than
just Vegas and that kind of stuff.
Right.
Did you look homeless before you sold the house?
Yep.
100% incredible.
So like, I did this because like I like grew the beard and everyone's like, yeah, you look
good.
I'm like, I look good looking trashy and they're like, yes, man.
I'm like, okay, if everyone else seems to like it,
I'll keep it going.
I don't like it.
You want to go back and look like before though?
Maybe we could shave half and then do a side by side.
All right, anything else crazy we should know
about you before we lay go to anartuttle?
Oh.
I did the naked roasted skank fest the past two years.
Oh, and stuff like that. Okay, what did people say about your junk on the naked roast at Skankfest the past two years. Oh. And stuff like that.
OK, what did people say about your junk on the naked?
From what I heard from everyone else, I was the biggest one.
Wow.
Look at that.
That's what I heard.
God works in mysterious ways.
My guess is it was mostly pubes.
Now, I cleaned up for it.
Wow.
I cleaned up for it, trust me.
I then this past year, everyone was like,
he was the only one to look at Trim and I'm like,
okay, why is everyone looking?
But, right, make it gross.
Right.
All right, Tanner Tuddle.
Well, thank you very much for coming on.
Here's one of these.
We got to keep him moving.
We're running into overtime.
Only one person left for this.
Only one person can do the job that needs to be done in this very moment.
Kiltzoni Hall of Famer, one of the legends of the game.
The Parliament of Portland, the Memphis Strangler,
the Tijuana Tarantula, the Harlem Globetrotter,
the Bronx Bomber, the Geriatric,
Juggler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, this is indeed the one and the only William Montgomery.
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
Southwest Airlines is giving free extra seats to fat people who can't fit in a regular
seat.
If you're so morbidly obese that your fat ass can't fit in a seagull airline seat, you
don't need to be getting on an airplane, you need to be getting on a stair master.
With your fat ass.
But seriously, you don't need to be getting on an airplane. I'm sure there's a cheesecake factory within driving distance of your house, fat ass.
Apparently Matthew Perry died because he ate too much ketamine.
Shit, I ain't ever gonna eat another carrot again!
Last week in Ukraine, a man walked into a meeting room with a hundred people,
pulled the pin on three grenades, and rolled them into the crowd, killing everyone.
Only person I've seen bomb worse than that
is Red Band during his day on the hook.
Oh!
Oh!
He killed a hundred people, dumb ass!
That's a bunch!
Okay, that's my time, thank you.
One minute, 18 seconds.
From the Great Red God, William Montgomery.
Very fun, William.
The extra seats on an airplane's stairmaster.
That's what I've messed to honestly, if you're fat, though,
don't get on the stairmaster.
That's what destroyed my sciatic nerve.
Is that true? Yeah, that's why I had to stop working
out I haven't worked out in probably eight months I'm starting to get numb in my
arm. Who is laughing at that? Yeah no it's been eight months I need to. Good
job Thomas! But I need to start working out again. Did somebody tell you that not working out
would help you with your sciatic nerve?
No, it just was hurting so bad.
I mean, I have to sleep on my stomach at night.
If I sleep on my back, which my sciatic nerve is hurting,
it gives me sleep paralysis.
I have to sleep on my tummy at night.
Can you explain to us what happens
when a guy like William Montgomery gets sleep paralysis?
Step by step, go right ahead and take us through it.
So you're sleeping, you're laying on your back.
Where do you normally keep your hands when you're sleeping
on your back?
No, just by my sides, either side.
And then what happens?
Oh, yeah.
Frightening.
Let go ahead, frightening.
Yeah, no, but I'm laying on my back and I just kind of wake up
and something is wrong because I cannot move anything.
And I'm just opening up my eyes and I just see this like thing
in front of me.
Can you describe the thing?
Whew, it's like, remember the creature from the Black Lagoon?
Who could forget that?
It looks like the creature from the Black Lagoon.
No, I can't even really describe what it does. It's literally just a shadow figure.
Oh, great job, Tomass. I'm having the fucking set of my life up here right now, man!
Holy shit!
What I was just saying was about to really take off, Tomass, that's all your fault. Right now, man! Holy shit!
What I was just saying was about to really take off, dumbass. That's all your fault.
Oh, he's pointing at the lady next to him.
The guy, uh, wow, they're all throwing that poor lady under the bus.
But I think it was the guy on the...
Oh, oh, okay.
There are just some drunk test, these people.
Fuck yeah.
Duh, uh, fuck yeah, dude.
Alright, so William, back at it.
Uh, ketamine carrots, love it.
Hooty-hoo, from the get.
Absolutely love it.
Hooty-hoo, I was doing a bunch of that in Chicago.
I was there this past week and if it joked and land,
which was, I don't know, 75% of them, it really wasn't a good percentage was there this past week. And if a joke didn't land, which was,
I don't know, 75% of them,
it really wasn't a good percentage for me this past week.
And I would just do a hoodie,
who and everybody would respond.
And it would really help me out, moving forward.
So yeah, I was at like 75% just bombing, just nobody.
Which really was kind of,
the rest of my pride a little bit.
I was thinking I was making some strides
with this whole stand up thing
and I swear to God I only like 25% of this shit I'm saying.
Can you do one of the jokes that didn't go so well for you?
Can you give us an example of one of the jokes
that were bombing during your headlining set?
Seven sold out shows at a 75% bomber ratio.
It was very interesting.
So one of them that I thought was gonna go well was,
so I got high the other day and thought,
blood was coming out of my ears, it was.
These people seem to love that.
It's not a fully formed joke at all,
but your fans love that.
That didn't go well, Chicago.
Let me ask you this, could you hear a paper cup fall
during your show in Chicago,
like we heard here tonight?
No, I couldn't I've been around people that rude before I mean that's so fucking rude
I mean come on
It's literally my five-year fucking anniversary tonight for being a regular on this show. That is true
So you fuck that up sir
Fuck that up, sir!
Five fucking years of this shit, sir, and you fuck it up.
How do you feel, sir? Are you okay knowing that you ruined his five-year anniversary being on the show?
Really? Wow. Are you a fan of the show? Do you know where you're at?
Did you sign up? No.
Right.
You're thinking about it?
You think you have anything you could possibly do?
That would be funny.
If I told you to come up here, you
think you could do something funny.
What's your name, sir? What's your name, sir?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't come over here.
What's your name?
Carter what?
Carter shankle?
I don't believe you, but OK.
OK. Oh, OK. Forget it, it Carter sit back down.
Creepers, oh this guy's gonna come up here just to molest me.
I'm not having a no Carter shying all blah blah blah.
Fuck yeah dude.
What time did you start drinking today Carter?
As soon as I got on your show.
Right okay what did you have tonight?
Uh, two or so.
How many?
At least five.
There you go.
The lady next to you was guessing five the entire time.
Five and hour, that's healthy.
Yeah.
It's what America's bread on.
Air to the shankle fortune right there.
Fucking shankles, man.
Absolutely.
You know.
The shanklands.
Fuck yeah.
Yeah, the shanklands.
Tennis bowling, vomit.
William, what else is going on in your life?
You do any puzzles or anything lately?
Yeah, I started a brand new one.
It's a hammock scene
in like a snowy meadow.
I think in Switzerland, but there's a hammock set up
between two big old pine trees.
There's birds on the pine trees.
There's frisbee's caught up in the trees.
There's running shoes.
A bunch of different colored pairs of running shoes
at the base of both of the trees.
So that's been a real hard part of the puzzle, Tony.
Just figure now which tree the running shoes are underneath, because they're two pretty
similar looking, pretty giant trees.
And then this freaking, this hammock in between the trees.
I mean, when you're dealing with rope and stuff in a puzzle, it's so incredibly difficult.
I swear to God, Tony, I'll be looking at the fucking pieces
in front of me for like five or six hours
before I even touch one.
It's literally this was taking me forever.
I'm scared to touch the pieces.
Wow.
Wow.
Southing, man.
Listen to you talk.
I just fucking.
I miss shankle.
Yeah.
Old Carter shankle over there. All right. You want to do a joke, Carter shankle. Yeah. Old Carter shankle over there.
All right.
You want to do a joke Carter shankle?
What do you think?
William, what do you think about this?
William, I'm going to let you decide
because you're fucking in control right now.
It's your time.
No, we know you're not a comedian with pre-panned jokes.
You fucking drunk idiot.
I wanted to see how stupid you could make yourself look up here.
Yeah, get your ass up here, Mr. Shane Carter Shanklin, everybody.
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
Oh shit, he's taking the shortest fucking.
Oh my god, he took the drunk path.
He took the old drunks staircase of the sky right there.
You're very red.
Carter Shanklin, ladies and gentlemen.
I like that.
Come on, make some extra Carter, everybody.
All right, Carter, do something.
Put the mic right up to your mouth.
Look out there and say something funny.
Look out there and do it.
In all of it, I've got your arms.
Yeah, hold the microphone, William.
William, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let me help you guys. Or else he's going to have three arms. Let William hold the microphone, William. William, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, For the first time in history of Israel, we're up for an Emmy by the way. Make sure you...
Geez, I didn't even have to say that.
Wait, make sure you wait to the people, Carter.
Wait to the people, okay, no, Carter, pay for it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's...
It's dark, dark.
This is how they should give DUI tests.
All right, sir, for this next one, I'm gonna put my arm...
I need you to put your arms behind your back.
I'm gonna be your arms.
How many fingers is he holding up, Carter?
It looks like two.
The question is, where are the other fingers?
Whoa.
Well, your fingers are all my dick, dude, Ollie.
Yeah.
Wait a second, we're that second head come back.
Wait, go back, go back, go back.
Yeah.
Go back to them, Kino.
Do you say something funny to the people, Carter?
Well, the guy behind me is the one that's controlling this all.
Nah, nah, he's just your arm, Steve.
What are you talking about?
The guy behind me is taking over power of my brain.
He's certainly taking over a few things.
Oh, Carter, look at you, the natural.
Why are you doing that weird thing
with your left arm, Carter? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, there. Oh, God, dude. Oh, it's got all sorts of stuff on it.
Try to react to what he's doing with his arms, Carter. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. No, it was great. That was great. That was great. Alright, Carter. Mercedes is gonna help you down. How about a hand for the great and powerful Mercedes everybody?
She's got you buddy. Don't try anything stupid Carter. Oh my god. Oh Jesus. Did you guys feel that?
You know he's strong when you make that the whole ground ground shook that. Carter scared the fuck out of me.
Oh yeah.
We've got shit in the basement.
He's got, yeah.
He's a serial killer.
When Shank is in your last name,
you know you have a fucking long line of,
oh, Jesus Christ.
All right.
Yeah, my dick was touching his butt.
The whole talk.
That's what he's talking about.
Bitch!
You got the best to him.
You got the best to that guy, William.
That's the best.
All right.
So your DNA is gonna be on a crime scene now.
Just so you know.
What else is going on, William?
Have you been eating your Kellogg's fiber buds?
Yeah, it's today.
It had been a couple days I didn't bring any to Chicago,
but yeah, it's, what's, who's doing that?
You didn't bring your Kellogg's all fiber.
You don't take them on the road with you?
No, I tried with TSA last time.
They took me into a room after they thought something
was up at the buds.
I've been drinking, I've been eating a bunch of Kellogg's
Aubrey and buds, and TSA got me one of their place in Chicago.
Did you mix it with milk or something like that?
Why would they confiscate a box of cereal?
I guess you're trying to figure that one out.
I mean, it really messed up my entire trip.
I was trapped in Chicago for...
Uh...
Ha ha ha ha.
Is there anything you're passionate about right now in life?
Anything new, anything, uh... Has you fired up a little bit perhaps?
I wish there was.
Yeah, it's been, I've been, I haven't
rolled down her time recently.
So I pray to the Lord above Tony that in the coming days,
I'll be able to cheer about something.
But Tony, the past week, there's been nothing to cheer about.
I mean, everything's falling apart.
What about your massive victory
in making Carter Shanklin look stupid up here?
Do I?
Does that fire you up?
The fact that you made Carter look a little bit stupid?
Yeah, I mean, I actually really loved making
Carter Shanklin happy up here.
I mean, it was the first time he had ever been on a...
I loved making Carter Shanklin.
Oh, shit. I hated Carter shake. Oh shit.
I hated it!
It was a horrible mistake!
Wow.
Are you ever gonna stop?
I'm never gonna stop.
Love it Carter shake.
There he goes.
William Montgomery, everybody.
The drawing from Ryan J. Hebelt is in.
And it is fucking more awesome than ever.
Make it loud for the great and powerful Kirk Box,
ladies and gentlemen.
Reservation dogs, parks at wreck, jury duty, out now.
Check it out on Amazon, fucking unbelievable comedian.
See how many chance you get, he's still based out of LA,
but one of the highly recruited now people to we're trying to get him out here
And how many you think Kirk should move to Austin Texas
If Earl Shanklin's got a room I'll stay there. I think Carter Shanklin's got a fucking outhouse for you my friend
Look at that. Oh, yeah, look at that
If you like the sound of guys that both P and vomit at 5 a.m. in the middle of the
night, Carter Shanklin.
One more time for the great Kirk Fox, everybody.
Now about one more time for the best stand band in the land.
That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
Paul Deemer on the horns.
Steve Madden is on the bass.
Sean D's on the keys.
And the great Matt Mulell on the electric guitar.
Thank you to Joe Blast, to Red Rose, to the otheros, gingerbussens.com, Hall of Fame,
Austin Security Arts, Service and Connect, mobile, health, red band.
Check out the secret show at the SunsetStripATX.com, I love you guys.
We love you, thank you, good night everybody! I'm going to be be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it.
I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it.スタッフのアイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスクリームを 見つけたら、 アイスʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃən ʃə [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ You you you you you you