KILL TONY - #645- LOUIS KATZ

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at TonyHinchcliff.com. And the sunset strips my new comedy club in Austin, Texas go to sunset SunsetStrip ATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Killton. Back on my stand up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this. Vancouver, Portland and Seattle, your next January 25th, 26th and 27th.

Starting point is 00:00:41 And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand up Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taken some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHingeClip.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Coltony from there. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy.

Starting point is 00:01:34 I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. Hey, this is RedBank coming to you live from the Comedy Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Give it up for Tony Hitch Clam! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Starting point is 00:02:18 Fuck yeah! Thanks to my spirit band, everybody! Live in the flesh! The real deal! This is Kill Tony, the number one live, in the flesh, the real deal. This is Kiltoni, the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBusses.com, Hall Law, Farm Austin Security Guard Service,

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Starting point is 00:03:01 And indeed, the backbone, the madness on the bass guitar everybody. Very exciting stuff ahead before we start here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Strip Comic Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Bang Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Hey everybody, whether your resolution is to save money, eat better, or stress less. Hello freshers here to help you do all three.

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Starting point is 00:06:03 only at McDonald's. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? We're gonna have a lot of fun. You know, we've had a lot of, we have debuted a lot of guests on this show. I remember when it was Shane Gillis' first time. I remember Tim Dylan's first time. I remember Adam Ray's first time. A lot of the greatest guests in our history.

Starting point is 00:06:26 It all starts with one appearance. This is this guy's first time on as a guest. One of the top young rising comedians out of New York has a brand new special out on YouTube. Makes the noise for the great. Louie Katz, everybody. It's Louie, everyone. Not that Louie. It's another Louie. It's Louie everyone. Not that Louie.

Starting point is 00:06:45 It's another Louie. It's Louie Pat. The city are Louie. The slide on down. Fuck yeah. Louie Pat. You special. Present tense at Louie Pat's comedy on YouTube.

Starting point is 00:07:01 Welcome to the show Louie. Thanks for having me. You know what? I did do it once before, but it was like 12 people in the comedy store. Really? Yeah, long time ago. Shit, I had no idea about that. Sorry, we're gonna, let's take it from the top. No, I'm kidding. Wow, that's amazing. Who else was on that episode? It was me and Full Shroom. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Wow. All right. Okay, well, here we are. Now we're in, now this is big. This is a whole not there was no ban This is a whole nother thing. It's a whole nother fucking thing all together. It turns out this is

Starting point is 00:07:31 The number one live podcast in the world Belloui you might remember how it works an absolute Butload we did the measurements. It was a butload of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight Uninterrupted you know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and then I ask them a bunch of questions and we find out more about them and anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised.

Starting point is 00:07:59 You guys ready to have some fucking fun tonight, huh? So I go into the bucket and I pre-pull a name, and they go get them from next door, and we're going to start the show. Believe it or not, this might blow your fucking mind. We're going to start the show with one of our regulars, everybody. This guy blatantly lived in a van,

Starting point is 00:08:20 and barely had any money. He never hooked up with girls when we first met him. Two and a half years later, he's an international superstar. Where's a Rolex? Drives fast cars. Has a hot white girlfriend. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys know the words? Sing it. Hans Kim everybody. Kim everybody. This is my Kim. This is my Kim. This is my Kim.

Starting point is 00:08:45 This is my Kim. So what's up? I don't know if you guys have noticed, but the space between my eyebrows and my eyes is very large, you know, right here, and my eyes start right there. I'm one of the few people that can express anger and surprise with aviator sunglasses on. It almost got me a roll on top gun too. No goose. Damn Russians. Thank you. I think that the penis is the superior peeing mechanism. The only side effects are rape and murder.

Starting point is 00:09:33 But other than that, the penis is superior. I do not give a fuck about polar bears. Sorry polar bears, I don't give a fuck about you. Sorry you evolved the camouflage against something that melts. Woo! Try the sky or water next time. Some helpful tips for the polar bears.

Starting point is 00:09:56 All right, thank you. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus. Hon. Fuck you guys. Oh, shitt he's mad folks. We got a mad Hans Kim here. Doing jokes for the polar bears to the polar bears.

Starting point is 00:10:10 That's a first. You have a lot of polar bears in your fan base. Hans. A lot of white gay men. OK, so let's go back to this peeing mechanism. Peaness peeing mechanism thing, because that's where I got confused. I don't know about anybody else. Let's go back.

Starting point is 00:10:30 What are you saying? Penis is a perfect mechanism for peeing, but it's bad for rape and for murder. It's bad because the side effects include rape and murder. Getting raped and being murdered? No, it causes rape and murder. But why and being murdered? No, it causes rape and murder. But why would a penis cause murder? Because it has testosterone and evil juices. You think that's where the testosterone goes? You think it goes to your penis from your brain and puts off chemicals in your penis? I'm sure it couldn't

Starting point is 00:10:58 help. I mean if you have murderous thoughts try chopping your dick off. I think it's actually, I think chopping your dick off might cause have murderous thoughts, try chopping your dick off. I think chopping your dick off might cause more murderous thoughts. I think it's the balls, the testicles, which would hold the main. I think cutting off your penis would force you to not be able to come, so then your balls would have even more. Does this make sense at all? Is there a trans person here who could help with this? I don't know. I believe Hans thinks come, comes from your penis.

Starting point is 00:11:29 Everybody. This is what we're finding out right now. Well, the penis causes murder. Like lots of men get rageful because they have a penis and they want to stick it in things. So if you don't have a penis and you don't want to murder as much. How many murders have you done? 17. Wow.

Starting point is 00:11:44 All on stage. Oh, yeah. Just not in front of this audience. Interesting. Has your penis ever led you to want to actually kill somebody? Oh, yeah. It has. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:57 I don't know how much I should reveal. But yes, I have had murderous thoughts. You know what? Haven't we all? Wow. I don't know how much I should reveal is one of the scariest things I've ever heard you say every week for two and a half years we've been doing this and that's pretty frightening. What can you, why don't we just reveal everything and then we'll edit out if you've actually murdered somebody.

Starting point is 00:12:21 Hans is extremely honest for those of you that don't follow the show closely. He cannot lie. He's like a George W. Who was it that didn't lie? George W. I'm sure. Johnny Eppel's seat. Oh, the stripper things that was Able Lincoln. Oh, he's like, oh, he's a Able Lincoln.

Starting point is 00:12:37 Oh, my goodness, you are. The Red Rose girls would never get that right. That's a true yellow rose. Able Lincoln. Oh, yeah. tip of the bucket hat to us. Absolutely. Oh yeah. You want to know, go with the boa, you know what I'm saying? Okay. So when I was in high school, my dad wouldn't let me watch TV on the weekdays, and I punched a hole in the wall, and I burned up a bunch of papers in the toilet in the bathroom in the sink. So that was my, and then I cut my hand also,

Starting point is 00:13:14 I cut little cuts in my hand. You were a little cutter? Yeah, I was just trying it out. Did you end up getting attention from your parents from the cutting? Yeah, it was just, they were kind of like pitying me. They thought I was pathetic, like, right. Yeah, cutting yourself isn't a sign that you're a murderer.

Starting point is 00:13:31 It's a sign that you might shop at hot topic or something like that, but that doesn't make you a murderer. Thank God. It just means I'm a pussy. I was implying that, but you said it, yes. So the hole in the wall, how did you punch a hole in the wall? Oh, yes. Variation.

Starting point is 00:13:51 Variation on the punch. And the papers in the sink, what made you do that? I think I just wanted to watch something burn. I think I was actually trying to like forage my parents signature on our band's time sheet for saying I practiced the trumpet and I was trying to forage their signature and I messed up so I burned up a bunch of them. But it was a, it was pretty thrilling for me.

Starting point is 00:14:17 Wow. What was the worst punishment you ever got from your parents? You seem like a very rebellious Korean boy. The TV thing was pretty harsh in my opinion, no TV on the weekdays. Another thing that they did to me was when I was a little boy, my dad brought me upstairs and he hit my calf with like a stick. He had a special stick. was it from outside or was it something else? It was like from a TV antenna or something and He was like see I need to hit you this for your own good here

Starting point is 00:14:52 I'll hit myself and he hit himself and then he's like okay now I get to hit you and I was like this is so weird This is like even worse than if you just beat me Louis sounds vaguely sexual I would say sounds kind of hot Yeah, I'm Sounds vaguely sexual. I would say it sounds kind of hot. Yeah, I'm a ball-gagging during this. I don't want to hear you cry. Put the ball-gaming in your mouth. I hit the me and then I hit the you. You've been a bad boy. You're so much more masculine when you're Korean. It's really impressive. I have a fully grown Korean man deep inside me, not the first time. Anyway.

Starting point is 00:15:39 Alright, Hans, well you got tonight's show started, you fucking did it again. Anything else you want to say? You seem like you have fucking something on your mind. Seems like you have unfinished business up here. Yeah, I mean... I don't know. I don't know. You guys must not think about polar bears as much as I do. But yes, I'll come back and I got some new bits that I'm trying to work on.

Starting point is 00:16:05 I love it, Hans, everything's good. Just because you have one of the hardest jobs in fucking stand up. William has a bunch of amazing trademark things he can do. Cam is still in his first six months of doing it. He's burning through material, writing new material and this and that. You've been doing this for two and a half years, it's not easy to do what you do.

Starting point is 00:16:27 Don't take it hard on yourself, but you did kind of bomb tonight. But don't take it that hard on yourself. It's the craziest thing in fucking comedy history to have to do a new minute every week with millions of people watching. Literally, people don't make it a minute into most of the specials that go out nowadays, like on fucking Netflix and shit. Wow, both of the band members just said it's true at the same time.

Starting point is 00:16:50 Just like, you know how spot on I am. I, spot on I am. Oh, fuck yeah. That's great. But yeah, it's crazy what you do, Louis. Yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. Just go back home and get back to cutting yourself. Yeah, so. Yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. Just go back home and get back to cutting yourself. Yeah, so...

Starting point is 00:17:05 Yeah, you did pretty good. My only... All that I ask is 10 Hail Mary's and 5 Self-Wips with an antenna. There he goes. Hans Camlady's in gentlemen. Did I pull a second name out? Yeah. That's first.

Starting point is 00:17:19 Second. Ooh, that's inside. Look at that. Oh, that's inside. Go let him know that he's up second. That's incredible. All right, your first comedian tonight out of the bucket. We're going to meet him all together. I think you guys know how this works. This is where we found everybody. Anything can happen. Everybody has a chance. Make some noise. Fear first bucket pulled the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Austin Young, everybody.

Starting point is 00:17:44 Austin Young. What's going on, guys? What's up? You guys drinking a night? Dude, I fucking love drinking. I drink a lot of beer. Love Bud Light. Fucking love it, dude.

Starting point is 00:17:59 Just want to say, as a man with a dick ant hits, it's so great to finally have a beer that makes me feel seen. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh yeah. Oh fuck it, I love drinking dude, I can't smoke weed, I'm too dumb regularly, and I get even dumber when I'm high. Like I got really high and I was at this park, I was walking, and there was this Indian family ahead of me. And when I say Indian, I mean, you know, there's two types.

Starting point is 00:18:30 You got, and uh, but it was these guys. And I was listening to them talk. They were speaking Hindi and then English, and then back to Hindi. I was so high, I was like, wait, can I understand them? And then I started listening to some more, and they were speaking Hindi, and then English, and then they just kept speaking English, and I slowly started to realize that they were speaking English the whole time.

Starting point is 00:18:55 Thank you guys, that's my time, thank you. Austin Young with his Piltoni debut. Am I correct? This is your first time? Look at you, you're adorable. Oh, thank you. You look like if Kevin James ate Kevin James. That's right. It's amazing. You got an applause break with your very first joke.

Starting point is 00:19:11 We got word in immediately that Hans was so mad. He lit papers on fire in his sink. The current is currently one of the sinks has papers burning in it. But you're wearing a fire department shirt. Do you work at the fire department? I do not. This is my brother's station here.

Starting point is 00:19:29 So I'm just repping a station here in Battleshafe, Florida. Stolen Valor. All right. Yeah, that's right. That you were goddamn hero. No, I'm a truck driver and I shovel horseshit on side. That makes sense. The only 9-11 you're part of is when you look at the number on the scale.

Starting point is 00:19:43 Yeah. That's right. I'm a big boy. You are a big, big boy. I love it. So, what do you do for work? I'm a truck driver and I shovel horse shit. Shovel horse shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:55 Wow. How often do you shovel horse shit? Like, every weekend. Every weekend. How many hours on a weekend do you... Just depends how much they eat so This guy's a job from another time He was to live then that's incredible. That's pretty cool. What just you have to you have to find the horse or how do you know?

Starting point is 00:20:16 It's a horse boarding spot. So then I just let shovel horseshit when you say shoveling horse shit Yeah, is it like real horse shit or is it like Hans's polar bear joke from earlier? No, it's real horse shit. They're thoroughbreds, just sergeant shit. It's pretty cool. Okay, thoroughbred is another bread that you love. Yeah, I prefer sourdough, honestly, but I don't mind. Absolutely. I like your style. So you live in Florida. Yes. Well, part, I'm from Fort Myers originally.

Starting point is 00:20:44 Okay. Yeah, Fort Myers.'m from Fort Myers originally. OK. Yeah, four. And you drive trucks all around the country or what? I used to, now I'm local. I do your local. Yeah. What are you doing? You delivering stuff?

Starting point is 00:20:53 Yeah, I deliver parts, car parts for GM. So that's pretty cool, yeah. OK. Yeah, absolutely. And what do you do for fun? This. How long have you do for fun? This. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for four years.

Starting point is 00:21:09 Four years. All of it in four Myers? All over Florida. And then I just moved here about a year ago. You moved to Austin? Yes, sir. Amazing. And your name is Austin Young.

Starting point is 00:21:19 Yes, I know. And you're new to Austin. Yes. And you're Austin Young. Yes, all right. OK. Easy to remember. Yeah. Absolutely. Until you've been here a while. I know. Yes. And you're Austin Young. Yes, all right. Okay. Easy to remember. Yeah, absolutely. Until you've been here a while. I know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:27 Okay, so other than stand-up comedy, what do you do for fun? You seem like you have some hobbies, you have like a little one of those little miniature train sets or something like that. Oh, put on a special hat. Take it very seriously. The trains are pretty dope. I like, I watch a lot of movies and shit. I got, are you allowed to watch movies in the weekdays? Sometimes, if I'm like really good, my parents will let me. Right.

Starting point is 00:21:55 It's pretty dope. But yeah, I'm a boring guy, dude. How old are you? I am almost 30. OK. Why'd you laugh when you answer that? Because people just think I'm so young. I'm like, right. Yeah, I thought you were alive. I that? Because people just think I'm so young, I'm like,

Starting point is 00:22:05 right, yeah, I have that sweet baby face. I have a sweet baby face. You do, very, very sweet. By sweet, I mean diabetic. That's right. Um, so. Austin, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy?

Starting point is 00:22:23 If I stand up too fast, I get dizzy. That's right. That's right. That's right. Full of blogs break by the crew. Look at that. I love it. The Killtony team loves that response.

Starting point is 00:22:34 We love honesty here. A little fun fact about killing in the interview is just be honest. Gotcha. You're honest. It automatically works. And you are. We believe that you get dizzy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:45 Have you ever passed out or anything like that? No, I ain't no bitch. Whoa, whoa, geez, Louise. I mean, it's a medical condition, but it is. And all those people that faint are bitches. Wow. That's absolutely powerful. Just power through it.

Starting point is 00:23:01 Just grab a wall. You'll be good. Tony soprano was a bitch. I do. Oh my god. Wow. That's on site. Oh. Just grab a wall. You'll be good. Tony soprano was a bitch. I do. Oh my god. Wow, that's on site. Oh my god. On site.

Starting point is 00:23:09 Guess who's standing though. Oh wow. He's dead, right? Yeah, he was he's he. But he died older than you will ever be. So it's kind of a catch Tony too over there, you know what I mean? Rest in peace. The great James Gandalfini, one of the best television actors of all time. I'm kind of a catch Tony too over there, you know what I mean? Rest in peace, the great James Gandalfini,

Starting point is 00:23:27 one of the best television actors of all time. Anyway, what would we be surprised to know about you, Austin Young's, a little fun fact about your life? Fun fact, I don't know, dude, I don't have money, fun facts, I'm a boring dude, fuck. Did your brother, that's a firefighter, more fit than you? Of course, obviously. Well, I mean, I don't know. You could be the guy that catches everybody I'm a boring dude, but your brother that's a firefighter more fit than you of course obviously Well, I mean I don't know you could be the guy that like catches everybody when they come down the pole or something like

Starting point is 00:23:51 Usually in charge of feeding the Dalmatian or something. I need all the Dalmatians food. That would that's not to It's not good responsibility. He could lie on the ground when they jump out the window and they just lay it on him I love it Austin. What's your love life like? I love life to to great. I just I get so much pussy. It's insane. I can't stop getting laid. It's a real problem. Are you being sarcastic? No, dude. I fucking Are you being sarcastic now? No, dude. I'm not now. No, no, you said all... Remember when I said the honest part for her? I know, that's why I'm being honest, Tony.

Starting point is 00:24:29 Okay, where do you get all this pussy from? You fat fuck. Just tender dude. Really? So you really do get a ton of pussy. I do, all right. And by a ton of pussy, I mean, one of the girls you hook up with at a time.

Starting point is 00:24:40 Yeah. Is there heavily overweight? Yeah. You reverse catfish to them? I do, they're never ready. They're like catfish you. They do. It's just always a double catfish.

Starting point is 00:24:50 We're always pro. We're always pro. Yeah, I'm disappointed and so are you. Let's fuck. Just a couple cute snorlaxes, just fucking. It's pretty cool. A lot of it. So you really get them off tender.

Starting point is 00:25:01 Like their most recent hookup, when was that? Last week. Explain to us how that goes down. This is a one-night shit. You didn't even be the girl. You're watching this. They never even knew that I had sex before. You are correct. Everyone thinks you're a virgin still.

Starting point is 00:25:16 I'm so crazy. I'm not going to believe it until I actually get through this story. I'm still not convinced. Ah, fuck. She was in an open relationship deal, so she just came over and pulled on, slow it down. So someone messages, you on Tinder, you swipe.

Starting point is 00:25:31 How does this work? Take it from the beginning. I just keep swiping until I run out of swipes, and then I just see what the Lord blessed me with. And so that's usually how I go. And it's called trolling for bottom feeders. That is, that's usually how I go and it's called trolling for bottom feeders. That is, that's right. Right, and so what happens?

Starting point is 00:25:52 You invite her over? Yeah, so she came over. She smells like horse shit in here. She came. Oh, you have some audio from your living room right now. Because you're shoveling the horses that live with you. So she comes over, what happened? She comes over, she wanted to smoke some weed and I haven't smoked in a while.

Starting point is 00:26:20 Oh, yeah, you get really dizzy when you stand up. Let's just say I didn't stand up that day. Oh, I just stayed on the seated. So, and I got too high and then I really couldn't stand her and I wanted her to leave. Why, what was so annoying about this lady? She's gonna hear this, fuck. Oh, my hair's, you don't have to say that

Starting point is 00:26:40 before every question. What was your school like? Well, my teachers might be listening, but... She just fucking answered the question. She just wouldn't shut the fuck up. I was trying to... We were watching a movie. I was in to the movie.

Starting point is 00:26:52 I liked it. What was the movie? Oh my God. Answer the questions. It's a Storks. It's a cute ass movie on Netflix. Oh my God. It's animated.

Starting point is 00:27:03 It's adorable. She's saying cute ass movie. It's a cute movie. Oh my God. It's animated. It's adorable. She's saying cute ass of me. It's a cute movie. Oh my God. She said she wanted to watch stuff in animated. I said, let's watch Storx. It's the cutest fucking movie ever. You denied pussy for cartoons?

Starting point is 00:27:14 What the fuck? No, I still got the pussy. All right, just, all right. Hell yeah. I just stalker and porker. You know what I mean? That's what I always say. I know what's going on.

Starting point is 00:27:24 Hell yeah. Absolutely. So about how long through Storks, do you make your move? I did it. I was too high. And then she kind of made the first move. And I just let it happen.

Starting point is 00:27:37 And then it's like she just tried to go again. And I'm like, I'll be honest, I'm way too high. And I'm very sleepy. So, you watch Storks a lot? No. You have many times you think you've watched it. That was my second time, so that's why I was like, I really liked it the first time I watched it,

Starting point is 00:27:55 and I was like really looking forward to seeing you again, and this bitch wouldn't shut the fuck up. So, it's an adorable movie. Right. Okay, yeah, okay. So then what happens? She's like, I can go if you want. And then what'd you say?

Starting point is 00:28:09 Yes. Okay, no, before that, the sex part. Like what happens first? She blew me. Okay, so what is, you guys are sitting on a couch? Yeah. Okay, and she just starts doing that? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:21 Okay, it's pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah, you have to like, do you have to like scoot down so that your belly isn't over your jaw? Look, how does that work when you're more the Leo Peters? You've seen Peter Griffin when he was naked, right? No. Okay, you never watched that. Not all of us fuck to animated shit, dude. You can watch it and not love it. Can you get hard with not a cartoon on in the background? No. It's gotta be on, dude.

Starting point is 00:28:49 Okay, so she's blowing you and then what happens? I come so hard. Oh, so that's it. I mean, what do you think? She was blowing me, that's like- But I mean- So no sex, nothing for her. You throw one of those meaty fingers to hold her-

Starting point is 00:29:02 Is there anything? Look at those fucking hangers you got. Look at those fucking trucker hands, dude. You got that fucking... You got that muscle milk running through you. Yeah, there it is. That what it sounds like when you come. You're doing it again.

Starting point is 00:29:23 It's my impression of you coming. It's pretty spot on Tony. Hell yeah. All right, Austin. Well, welcome to the show. Congratulations. Great, Zach, here's a big joke book for a big man. Thank you guys.

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Starting point is 00:33:11 Go to hello mood.com and use promo code killtoney. That's hello mood.com hello mood.com code killtoney for 20% off your order and a free THCA pre-roll right now. Alright, this is very cool. We know this guy. He's on the inside because we know this guy. We love this guy. He was a fucking makeshift random fucking friend that we made very very early on. He was really just working security and hanging out with us and smoking a bunch of weed for a few months. And then he started doing stand up himself. He's been on the show a couple times.

Starting point is 00:33:54 He's, we works a lot. So I'm excited to see a brand new minute. From our friend Hank Garza, ladies and gentlemen. Big Hank. Big Hank Garza. Come on, make sure it's for Hank, everybody. I get it, you're thinking, hey, be an erase Cyrus. Tell us a joke in Espanol. Well, here you go. And Espanol knows that D.C.

Starting point is 00:34:19 Ren and Stimpy looking mother fuckers. And Espanol said D.C. Tony Hinchcliffe, he brought red band looking mother fuckers. And their spot, y'all said, he said, Tony Hinchcliff, he brought a red band looking mother fuckers. I believe anything could be a cum rag, if you have enough regret. I grew up in South Texas. We did things a little different, that's right. We weren't exposed to white wine like the rest of y'all.

Starting point is 00:34:44 When somebody asked me, Hank, what's your favorite white wine? I'd say, you're an America, speak English. Do you all like impressions? Here you go. Ah! MacDick! What's MacDick? That is somebody that got a sex change.

Starting point is 00:35:02 But think that Alzheimer's later in life, sir. One more. One more. They got a sex change, but think that Alzheimer's later in life, sir. One more, one more. All right, here we go, one more. I need somebody to ask stupid retarded. There you right there, do it. The future, ladies and gentlemen, and golden ticket winner. Thank you, that's my time. All right, Hank Garza.

Starting point is 00:35:25 Hank Garza, coming out. Angry, look at him smiling now, but he comes out like, who the fuck like some pressure is out here? So angry. It's very, very, very aggressive comedy. My bad. What do you think happened there?

Starting point is 00:35:39 Like, look at you, this is who you really are. Look how happy you are. Why do you think you're scary when you're trying to be funny and funny when you're not? No, man. It just comes out. That's just the washers hot come that's nerve Nerves maybe nerves. Yeah, maybe nerves And you're implying that we only have retarded golden ticket winners here on the show I mean the record speaks for itself, so but you know none of them are retarded right?

Starting point is 00:36:02 You know cerebral palsy and being retarded or two different things It's still the special Olympics so okay. Well Okay, it's it's pretty incredible because I mean the one guy that is retarded Jared Nathan kills all the time and he doesn't come out like Come on so do you turn and stimpy and come out like, oh, oh, oh. Oh. Come on, so D.T.R.E.R.N. and Stimpy.

Starting point is 00:36:25 It's like, but meanwhile, you're trying to take digs that mentally challenged people. Came out swinging, dude, what do you expect, man? You should try it like mellow sometime. You get the same jokes, it would work so much better. Yeah, do you perform like that when you're doing like the shows out in Timbuktu or whatever? No. As you could tell from the vest that he's wearing, he's a true Texan.

Starting point is 00:36:49 This guy is hard nipple or something. No, it's my glasses. I don't wear glasses on the same thing. Thank you, right, band, for your observations. So hang, tell us, how's it been going? How long you been doing stand up now? A year and a half. A year and a half and your big man, been doing it a year and a half. How's that going for you? Not bad.

Starting point is 00:37:10 I mean, it could be best. It could be better, but I mean, it's all on me. Just out here, fucking grinding. Uh-huh. It's it, dude, I mean. Yeah, no, I get it. And what else is going on in life? Tell us more about it.

Starting point is 00:37:20 It's fucking falling apart, dude. The fuck you want me to say. Anybody else going through some shit? Holy shit. Tell us about it, I'm scared. Tell, what are you willing to talk about here? I'm going through addiction. I'm trying to get my family back. What the fuck, dude? I'm trying to get this comedy together,

Starting point is 00:37:34 trying to make y'all laugh. That's how it's going, dog. That's how it's fucking going. So you wonder why somebody comes out here just swinging. It's a tsunami. Wow. I don't want to end up being your comrade tonight. So I'm a little bit nervous about what I'm going to say next here.

Starting point is 00:37:57 Louie, have you ever seen anything quite this scary before in your life? No, not that. No, he's pretty scary. I mean, during the act, I thought it was scary. You should say that you're mex, I didn't know you were mex when he came out, so that joke kind of went over my head. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know, you could be Arab, which would be scarier to me, but I, I, I, I, I, I, why don't you talk about the addiction and the stuff that you're going through instead of making someone else do an impression for

Starting point is 00:38:21 you? That is a good question. Why don't you talk about the serious stuff going on in your life? Do you have jokes about that? No, not yet. It's just, no, I don't have any jokes. I don't think it's that funny. Right. That seems like we do.

Starting point is 00:38:35 That's pretty hilarious to us. Oh, I bet. Amazing. So you're trying to get your family back. What happened to your family? They get deported. Yeah. Yeah, man. They got here before.

Starting point is 00:38:48 They weren't dreamers. No, I mean, you know, just some stuff happens with the family and sometimes, you know, Daddy just has to step away. That's it. That's what my dad did. Yeah. No, I'm around though, but yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:04 It's a little complicated, but you know, okay. All right, any other. Ten years of marriage, dude, I mean, you're gonna have your ups and downs, boss. He's so surprised. You are, are you, the addiction problems that you mentioned, did you perhaps do a little bit of blow before coming up here tonight? No, no, no, no, no. Any special skills or talents are there than comedy.

Starting point is 00:39:25 I sang last time. I don't know. I do a lot of yoga, but I'm not about to flex my ass. Don't do yoga. What did you sing last time, like a Mexican song? Yeah, my Diyachi. I was in my Diyachi. I do it again real quick.

Starting point is 00:39:36 Let's get some fucking energy in the room. I think a lot of the audience is scared. We got to bring this shit up. One, two, one, two, three, four. [♪ off-tempo music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in Well, Hank, you already have joke books, fun times, congratulations. Yeah, I'm it. Next time Smile, I didn't tell you, it's gonna be 100% different. I love it. How about a hand for Hank, Garza, everybody? Wow, over two for our insiders tonight. Hansen Hank, it's gonna be an angry green room right now. A lot of tension in there.

Starting point is 00:40:27 Austin Young is out there having the time of his life. So let's go back to the bucket again. Let's see what happens here. Make some history next poll. 60 seconds for Tim Harris, everybody. Tim Harris. I like to keep up with the space news. I stay really intuned. I learned recently there's a hole in the sun, size of 60 Earths. Don't freak out, NASA released an update. A new celestial body is coming from outer space. It's going to fill the hole. They're naming it the uncle. Yeah, so don't fret. I would have liked to grow up in ancient Greece, I think, growing up in the US is cool, but ancient Greece would be cooler. Like you just get a sit-around thinking about thinking

Starting point is 00:41:26 Have an orgies with your friends fucking boys Just a freer society and they got a look at the stars and shit um And speaking of fucking boys it I grew up Catholic and Yeah I grew up Catholic. Um, and... Yeah, it's always odd to me that priests, they pray, but they're predators. I don't know. They always confuse me. Thank you. Okay, they pray, but they're predators. Tim Harris.

Starting point is 00:42:00 Welcome. Tim, how are you? I'm well, dude. I'm, uh, my leg's shaking, but I'm here and I'm present. Okay. Leg is shaking Is your first time on the show, right? Yes. How long you been doing stand-up? Two years, but like three months consistently three months consistently. Okay. Yeah. What do you do for work? I work at a dog channel a dog channel. Yeah, dude. Yeah Fucking hang out with dogs all day dude. Yeah, dude. Okay, and they fucking hang out with dogs all day, dude.

Starting point is 00:42:26 Okay, yeah, dude. You're like a real stoner. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you look like you sleep on a surf board. Yeah. How long have you worked at a dog kennel? I put him, I got two weeks in.

Starting point is 00:42:40 You're two weeks in. I'm two weeks in. What's the longest you've ever had a job? Yeah. Because you said that, like you were very proud of yourself. You're two weeks in two weeks in what's the longest you've ever had a job Because you said that like you were very proud of you You're gonna have I got two weeks under my belt Tony unbelievable What do you do with the dog kennel dude? I clean up shit everybody here shoveling shit Yeah, everything Everybody here shovel shabbling absolute shit.

Starting point is 00:43:06 There you go. There's your one fart sound for the episode, brought to you by Red Band, everybody. OK, so you're shabbling shit, Louis. I just, it was crazy. You talked about like the stars. You talk about Greek history. It's a lot of nerdy topics, but you also

Starting point is 00:43:20 seem kind of dumb at the same time. Oh, shit. And it's such a weird kind of, like, who calls it the space news? That seems, I'm into Star Wars. I am pretty dumb at the same time. Oh shit. And it's such a weird kind of like, who calls it the Space News? That seems, I'm into Star Wars, I am pretty dumb. Okay, all right, into the Space News. Gotta keep up with the Space News. Where do you get your Space News from? Shit, dude, TikTok.

Starting point is 00:43:34 Tsk. Fuck yeah, Addy. Absolute fucking looly. TikTok all the way, dude. Hell yeah, so you're a big Star Wars fan. I am, that's why you have that Luke Skywalker haircut. I love it. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:43:48 You have a, do you have a dad in your life? I did. Yeah, he's good. I still do. Right. Yeah. He actually just started getting into gaming recently. And it's nice, because my mom always used to get fucking pissed at me.

Starting point is 00:44:03 And now she's yelling like, to heck it down to dinner. dinner and he's like one second like I'm in a multiplayer lobby Your mom does some play games at all. No, she does not you think that if she knew that the some of the controllers vibrate that she might I think so yeah, right because your mom's a horny bitch. I once Did you know that did you know that? Did you know that Tim did you know that about your mom? No, she's a horny bitch. I think you did I think you did Tim. I think you have a little bit of an idea Okay, so how old are you 25 25 years old been doing it seriously for three months? What else are you up to what what are 25 year old, stoner, fucking nerd, doorx up to?

Starting point is 00:44:48 I was doing like, trail work. So I was living all around the US, did that for two years. Trail work. Yeah. What do you mean by that? So just like swinging, like, tools at the ground, just making trails. You made trails?

Starting point is 00:45:04 Yeah, like prison labor, you know. But you did it just on your own? Dude, yeah. So you're just ruining parks? Yeah, no, no, they love us. They love us. Who's us? The trail workers.

Starting point is 00:45:15 The trail makers? Yeah. But you weren't really working. What? Were you getting paid? Not well. But they paid you. Yeah. OK. Where were you making trails at?

Starting point is 00:45:27 Uh, mammoth caves? Kentucky? Florida gonna... mammoth caves. How's your mom's vagina? I'm saying it. What's up, dude? Fuck yeah. Hornie bitch. I normally don't make fun of people's moms like this, but there's something about you. It makes me want to do it. Go in.

Starting point is 00:45:46 It seemed like you're easy to bully. I am. I've been bullied for three hours straight and the kill-toned like in the wild. What have they been saying to you? They've been like, I'm going to rape you. Wow. This is what it's like. If you listeners around the world have ever wondered, what's it like waiting and hoping

Starting point is 00:46:04 to get pulled out of Kielsen with people built like hangs saying, I'm gonna rape you. Do you keep them in a jail cell? Why is there so much rape? Wow, you know. It is a fucking, it's one of my productions. So I mean, bug rape comes along.

Starting point is 00:46:18 Oh, this guy's got to go jerk off real quick. Look at this guy. All this talk about bug rape. Anyway, what would we be surprised to know about you, Tim Harris? I got one ball. Whoa! Gross, look at that. Wow, the biggest applause break you got here today. I'll take it. I'll take what I can get. What, how did you end up with one ball? It just got twisted. It got twisted when I was young. Wow.

Starting point is 00:46:49 Were you sleeping? Were you doing an athletic thing? No, I was a baby. It was just like... You were a baby? Yeah, I was a baby. Like how, how, like a true baby? Like a true baby.

Starting point is 00:46:59 Like a two big of balls. Like yeah. I was a little baby. Yeah, like an infant. Less than six months. Wow. And I was still a sperm donor. What do you mean?

Starting point is 00:47:10 One ball. You're a sperm donor? Yeah. How often do you do that? I'm retired now. They retired me. They put your number up on the ceiling and lower it. Number one, for how many balls do you have?

Starting point is 00:47:25 No, they did, I did it for like a year, and then one day it came in and they were like, we have enough. Yeah, they're like, your high is shit, and you have one ball, you fucking weirdo, get out of here. You broke fuck. Hell yeah. Okay, what's your love life like? You swinging that fucking ball around it? No, dude. I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I-

Starting point is 00:47:47 I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I-

Starting point is 00:47:52 I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- You're recently. Look at that. You live in Austin? I do. Right, how long have you lived here?

Starting point is 00:48:06 I moved in August. Okay, so you haven't been with the girl since moving here? No, I hooked up with a girl about a month ago. Okay, what happened there? I came over. One of the first things I told her, I told her I wanted to be a standup comedian and she laughed in my face.

Starting point is 00:48:22 So that was refreshing. Wow, pulling. Yeah, I hit it. What? Everyone's pulling him. Like the women, like every single person is. Yeah, you let her fucking talk. Do you like that guy? I'm a bitch, Tony.

Starting point is 00:48:35 I'm like a fuck. Absolutely. Leave it to you to drop the ball. Yeah. Mm-hmm. LAUGHTER Got me. Fuck, dude, me. Fuck it.

Starting point is 00:48:46 Okay. So, all right. Interesting. Very interesting. What scares you, Tim Harris? Bees. Ooh, very fast answer there. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:59 Absolutely. What happens? Were you like the kid from what's that McColley Colken movie? Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl? My girl. I don't know what happened in that movie. You young bitch. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:49:12 It's legendary, dude. McColley Colken got stung by bees and died. That's like my worst nightmare. So no, I stepped on a ground horn in this. Oh. There it is. Look out. That's hard to do.

Starting point is 00:49:27 Interesting. So what do you think is going to happen here with the stand-up comedy stuff? What's the goal? The goal, honestly, right now is just to get paid for a show at some point. I feel good about the time that I've spent doing it, but I'd like to go ahead of that. Right. Well, you've started. It takes a fucking... It takes a lot of ball to... But you got the ball rolling, so it's very good for you. Excited for New Year's Eve to drop the ball again? Yeah, I'll have my fingers crossed.

Starting point is 00:49:59 It was. It was a ball-dropping performance here tonight. Here is much like your ball sack of tiny tiny jokebook. There you go. Tim Harris everybody. Thank you. Alright. Gently used, barely sanitized. The skate's my smell funky, but the comedy is always fresh. Catch DJ Demaris, starring in the brand new secondhand sporting goods workplace comedy,

Starting point is 00:50:23 one more time. New episode Tuesday on CBC Gem. I feel motivated. I feel capable. I feel included. Resilient. At ease. I feel strong. I feel confident. These are just a few of the things you'll hear our members say when you join the YMCA.

Starting point is 00:50:42 The Y is not like other gyms, and not all benefits of being a member are visible, but you'll surely feel them. Try the Y free for seven days, and feel how the Y is way more than just a gym. Learn more at trytheY.ca. Let's get to that. Let's do one more of these. Alright, make some noise for your next comedian 60 seconds uninterrupted back to the bucket from ivory Jones everybody ivory Jones Ooh, make some noise for ivory Jones everyone Hey, I'm ivory Jones out here looking like a fucking Cypress Hill rowdy right now All right, I know what I fucking look like y'all I look like the hobbit from the hood

Starting point is 00:51:28 Like Bilbo Baggins, but if you only sold weed and mix tapes out the shire, all right? Now, everybody's always telling me, ivory, you gotta wear pants on stage. Real comics wear pants on stage, ivory. I had four-foot tall with a 48-inch waist. They don't make this goddamn pants size, okay? Any of y'all out there finds a 48-26 for sale? You buy them shits, mail them to me, I'll cash up your ass money.

Starting point is 00:51:49 Bet. Shit, man, you imagine some Asian sweatshop worker at the end of her shift that 48-26 come in down the line? Who does full? Humpty Dumpty? I'm just trying to tell you I'm too tall to be a dwarf. I'm not quite tall enough to be a real person. I can be the Andre the Giant of Midget Wrestling tomorrow, though, Tony. All right. Let's fucking go. All right. I appreciate it.

Starting point is 00:52:17 I appreciate it. I love it. I like your style. You put the low and you're like, you know, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like, you're like a happy guy. I waited a long time to be here, man

Starting point is 00:52:27 I love it. I love it. I like your style. You put the low in cholo. I'm not really Mexican, but I got a lot of jokes about that because everybody thinks I'm Mexican bro. How are you not Mexican? I don't fucking know. You look like you could have gone under the wall. Well, yeah, man. Well, yeah, man. Well, yeah, I like it. I like it then. I wish it's not Mexican and Texas, sir. Oh, hey, you're all on high.

Starting point is 00:52:52 Seriously, what are you? I wish it's not American. Yeah, my great grandmother's full blood Indian. My great grandmother's full blood Indian. Right. Right. And then what kind of Irish? How much Irish did your parents? short fat people that drink a lot

Starting point is 00:53:06 I don't really know on my on my grandfather's side though they are Irish absolutely okay for sure for sure short-round people not seeing at all whatsoever I look Mexican bro I know I get it every day okay what type of shit do you shovel for work I tell you no one's ever taking answers like this, man. I breed reticulated pythons for a living, rare morphology of such, making full-time career selling snakes on the internet, man. Whoa, you sell snakes on the internet. And hot sauce that I make and grow the peppers for. I've also picked all from the same bath time.

Starting point is 00:53:40 There we go. This is incredible. I sell many pigs at the back of an El Camino on Saturday, sometimes, sir. I'll sell back of an El Camino and you swear you're not Mexican. I swear to fucking Christ, bro. No orange juice, just pigs for sale. Absolutely incredible. Do you like that? Definitely.

Starting point is 00:53:59 Oh, yeah. Okay, so how much money do you make selling snakes? Man, you know, on a good year 60 to 70 thousand dollars is pretty average 16 to 60 to 70 thousand dollars a year is a pretty good average income It costs a lot to do what I do too so half of that goes back into feeding housing heating keeping all these guys alive a little tiny Mice do you have anything that was a entire business? I ran for a very long time They kind of priced me out of it. The feed keeps going, everything keeps fucking going. Feed them.

Starting point is 00:54:27 Right, exactly. Exactly. So now I sell pigs to supply my rodents for my other animal. Something feeds, something all the way down the fucking chain, man. I get the feeling you're eating all of it. Yay! My smoker stays busy, sir. Louis, what do you think about this?

Starting point is 00:54:43 I think your house must smell really bad. I smoke enough weed to keep it fucking under wraps, bro. Oh, yeah. Did someone live there with you? No, I'm single currently, but I have had people that have lived there with me in the past absolutely. In the snake zone. In the snake zone, for sure.

Starting point is 00:55:00 It's a weird little niche man, but I made my world in it. Right, so my goodness. He's the next ever, might you? Oh, that's part of the game, bro. For sure, for sure. I almost died in my living room from a snake bite once upon a time, man. I'm a python.

Starting point is 00:55:16 From a very large python. Absolutely. No, yeah. No, from a very large python that I was being like middleman transporting, it had to be with me for about a week. I was sitting it out to its new owner. I had my leg on top of this box it was going into and it was bigger than the box.

Starting point is 00:55:31 So when it flexed, I went in the box with it. It came out with me and its whole bottom jaw had the back in. It looks like a bear got me in the back of my nose here. You know what I mean? Is that fat? Yeah, that is fat. That was all just flopping out of there. It was rough.

Starting point is 00:55:48 117 stitches man. I had to tie a hoodie turnicate around it. We tried to superglue it back in my living room. A lot of hoodie turnicate. A lot of Irish people end up with a hoodie turnicate. It's a miracle I'm alive, bro. I like it. I like it.

Starting point is 00:56:04 How old are you? 38 years old, man. 38, bro. I like it. How old are you? 38 years old, man. 38. Okay. We're close. To death? Yeah. I don't know why I guess we are, sir.

Starting point is 00:56:12 Oh, no, I was talking about you. For sure. 38 years old. Yeah, but how do you live? Elmo Texas, man, which is like 45 minutes east of Dallas. I worked at DFW Comedy Scene, though. Okay. Absolutely. All right. So your silence snakes, very interesting.

Starting point is 00:56:28 You're hot sauce pigs and how do you make the hot sauce? I grow all the hottest peppers in the world and they're the top nine. So we're into like that excessive heat stuff. And there's a really weird niche market for that too. Those really excessive hot peppers bring high end dollar amounts, man. Okay. 10 peppers on the internet go for like 20 bucks. How much do you make a year doing the hot selling?

Starting point is 00:56:47 Probably another 20 grand or so a year, just hustling a hot sauce. What was the third job you have? Selling pigs and farm animals as well. How much do you make a year selling pigs? 10, 15 grand a year or about 100 grand a year. That's about what I do, man. Wow, look at that.

Starting point is 00:56:59 What do you like to spend some of this money on? Oh, you know, it's crazy. I just put it all back into my businesses, honestly. I never spend a dollar hardly on anything other than growing my other business and can you need me to grow everything. It all started in a Tim by Tim Bedroom with some snakes and now I own a farm kind of, so like,

Starting point is 00:57:16 it just keeps kind of snowballing, man. Oh, look at that. The Texas economy. The booming Texas economy respects that. The American dream. Yeah. The hot sauce. Right respects that the American dream Hell yeah hot sauce right For the Mexican dream Right

Starting point is 00:57:37 So what else would we be surprised to know about you ivory gene Man Jones I've re Jones man. I had a pretty wild ass life, man. I was a rapper for a while, man. Really? Yeah. You were a rapper? I know, it's crazy, dude. That's the notorious PIG. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:50 Actually, yeah. Y'all just had Michael White on the other day. He's the old friend of mine that I knew from the rap game, and now we kind of remet each other through this stuff, so. You're the spaghetti guy. Wait, wait. Wait, hold on. Stop, stop, stop.

Starting point is 00:58:02 Stop, stop. Stop, stop. Stop, shut the fuck up, I'm so sorry. What do you know the spaghetti guy. Wait, wait, hold on, stop. I've got this spaghetti guy, can you stop? Stop, stop, shut the fuck up, I'm sorry. What do you have, do you know the spaghetti guy? Through the DFW, used to have a battle league group there. And he was like the king of battle league. Did you ever go against him? No, no, no, no, I was never a battle leagueer.

Starting point is 00:58:18 I just kind of roll with those guys. I made music in the same realm of theater. All right, ask for a beat. We want to hear you rap. Oh, you guys want to hear this fucking guy rap? I rap to G-man. No one is playing this fucking rap now. Hey, let's do it.

Starting point is 00:58:30 I've got a gun in before. Hell yeah. Here we go. Yeah, here we go indeed. The vibrant Jones, everybody. Bring the thunder get lost in a storm. A day of my life is like watching a porn. Being this way, it's the day was born and nobody got worse than our son and a torch

Starting point is 00:58:46 But to the board that's the door purple porn do we still we're gonna do a horror? Then we go I didn't understand a single Anybody could do a hickory dickery dog a bit of it Slow it down we want to hear what the fuck you're saying this is a show for words No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, fucking project Uh, bring the thunder, get lost in the storm A day in my life says like watchin' the porn It's been this way since the day I was born It's only got horses that started up to war Yeah

Starting point is 00:59:36 Bluntin' the board, that's just a north Perk, boom, boom, boom, until we stormin' Turn your comfort into a horror and then we pow Togin' a bomb and a out Talking about the magic in a mouth Making a trap. Okay, stop. Digging around stop Stop not bad Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey I like your style. I've ever real good attitude. Louis. Yeah, you definitely like M&Ms

Starting point is 01:00:07 Hell yeah, oh, yeah, you ever real good attitude, Louis? Yeah, you definitely like M&Ms. Hell yeah, hell yeah. You ate mile. Yeah. Hell yeah. Goodness. Hell yeah. My goodness gracious. That is absolutely unbelievable ivory. You're such an interesting character.

Starting point is 01:00:21 Yeah, there's only one, bro. That is true. That is true. I've never seen a 46, 28 before in my life or whatever it was Yes, sir I like your style man welcome to the show. Here's a big joke book. There you go. I appreciate your brother everybody All right Got a special treat for y'all one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show an absolute fucking phenom a sensation if you will this is a brand new minute from the one and the only

Starting point is 01:00:51 campatters and everybody Yeah, yeah, so I'm I'm living my dream right now, man, this shit the best shit ever happened to me I'm doing a lot of shit. I wish I could have did as a kid like I'm I'm gonna gotta be a fuck a porn star a couple days ago I Didn't and I blame uncle laser fully for that bull shit We was in we was in LA and there was three porn stars came to the show and they wanted to fuck, like, immediately. They was like, we gonna suck y'all dicks long when we get back to the house.

Starting point is 01:01:30 So all he had to do was get the bitches back to the house. That's it. All he had to do was get the bitches back to the house. I was gonna get the condoms and the liquor and I was gonna get the bitches at the house, right? We get to the house and Uncle Lesa there is there with no bitches. No holes at all.

Starting point is 01:01:46 It's an uncle les and a deep ass voice, and Dick Hawking, he popped excessive for no reason. He's ready to fuck some. He just hard to shit three niggas. It's me, him, and three other dudes around, right? No bitches. So I see the bitches drive off, and I'm not eating.

Starting point is 01:02:01 I'm a young guy, I said, oh shit. Are they finna go park? He was like, no, they're leaving. They're getting out of here. Now, like, why are they leaving? He went well, the porn star. In the car, we was kissing. That's crazy.

Starting point is 01:02:12 This is something for a living. That's insane, right? Like, we was in the car and we were kissing. We was kissing a lot and stuff like that. You know what I'm saying? And I had no words. She got a text from her dad and he said that he was finna kill himself in a whole demeanor change. I'm gonna tell y had no words, she got a text from her dad. And he said he was from the kill himself

Starting point is 01:02:25 and a whole demeanor changed. I'm gonna tell y'all something, man. I hope that nigga is dead. I hope he is fucking dead, though. That my time. I love it. I fucking love it. That story originally came out in one of the interviews that we did, which I love to see you turning that into actual material.

Starting point is 01:02:49 Incredible. How about another hand for the great-cam Patterson? Yeah, you're welcome. Rocking the vintage Cowboy starter jacket, that thing is one of a kind. I mean, how the fucking zipper is still on that thing. That's like, price on the inside, for real like a muffler. Of course, it would have to be. Yeah. That, I mean, they only made those in the fucking very early 90s, right? I pretty sure, Dali is not trying to buy it from her.

Starting point is 01:03:14 Still it, whatever you trying to do. Right. Steal it. Let me hold that before second. I will wear that size too. Yeah. I can fit that size like a muffler. Could you have a starter jacket in the early months?

Starting point is 01:03:26 Of course. Raiders? Multiple starter jackets. Buck eyes. I know. I was a dolphins fan growing up. Me too. I want to get a match one.

Starting point is 01:03:36 If anybody got a match one, you want to send me a unsanficult. But within the water camera, I have no idea what you just said. I understood more of Ivory Jones' first rap than I ever said about you. I think what he's saying, where is it, but? I'm la la la la la la. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. That's still okay.

Starting point is 01:03:54 That's what I heard, too. Would you say we should get matching starter jacks? I should get matching starter jacks. I gotta be whore. I like that. Yeah, yeah, gang violence. That should be whore. Yeah, yeah, gang violence.

Starting point is 01:04:04 Absolutely. What else is going on in your world, camp Patterson? Now you know what I'm just writing, I like that. Yeah, yeah gang violence. That should be hard. Yeah, yeah gang violence. Absolutely What else is going on in your world camp Patterson? You know, just write me just trying to you know, and say get it down I'm a that's about it. Oh trying to stay on top of shit. You know what I'm saying? Yep a lot of pressure So you gotta keep it is a lot of pressure a lot of eyes watching a lot of judgmental fucks out there Yeah, you're fucking we'll kill them later. Absolutely We'll kill them nigga later though. Why, man. Kill them nigga later, though. Why'd you look right at me when he said that? I don't know why he looked right in my eyes and said,

Starting point is 01:04:28 not like you, Lou. You were good nigga, aren't you, man? Hell yeah. You were good, and I love you, though. We locked in, but other niggas, they can die. Yeah, they can. We can kill them, really see it. Yeah, we'll kill them.

Starting point is 01:04:38 We're going to kill them together as a team, right? Yeah, you, Lou. Yeah, yeah. You just agreed to killing the other N words? Damn, Lou, you racist. Yeah, what the fuck there you what are you agreeing? It sounds like a fun thing we could do together, you know It's gonna be fun. We got a good time. Yeah, yeah It's the way to get people to watch your special get canceled

Starting point is 01:04:55 Worked for you Big time So I love it cam where did you get that jacket? Who's in a Milwaukee? And they had like a little trip dropping the back of the water and the runners-sitting shoes I went to. Okay.

Starting point is 01:05:10 And I was like, oh, yeah, yum, yum. I'm gonna cut this. You're like $40. Yeah, you stole it. You looted it? No, you were like $40. Right. It was.

Starting point is 01:05:20 It wasn't. It would have been $40. If you would have bought it. That's the tag that you had to rip off, $40. I didn't want it out. I'd be ahead of this. You talking about stupid dumbass? I came in with this goddamn jacket, damn it. I love it.

Starting point is 01:05:36 So much fun, Cam, as always. Now, you talked about, like we talked about in the interview before, you talked about this. So you were making out with a porn star? No, no, I was not. Making out with a porn star. No, I don't kiss about this, you were making out with a porn star? What? No, no, I was not making out with a porn star. No, I don't kiss porn star. Who was making out with a porn star?

Starting point is 01:05:49 Uncle Lazer was kissing the porn star. Right. In the back seat of a car, what other porn star? That what he was doing. Right. He fucked up the mission. It's amazing because Uncle Lazer asked to be on this show

Starting point is 01:06:00 and then I caught up with you guys in the green room for a second and you said is a cool if we go back to back so we're about to catch Uncle laser and then we're gonna ask him about this and then can you come back out during his interview? Louis anything else for Cam? I just sounds like Uncle laser really let you down and if you can't depend on a guy named Uncle laser who can you depend on? That is show.

Starting point is 01:06:22 That's what I see it man. So fuck, man. Yep. Okay, have a one more time with the great campatters and everybody. What's up, Canada? After five long years, the UFC is heading back up north for UFC 297 in Toronto. This is the first event back with Bud Light. As the official beer sponsor of the UFC, we put together a bad...

Starting point is 01:06:43 ...card and it is going to be an electric night. Trying to manage your expenses? Introducing the new TD low-rate visa card because rusted breaks happen and Taco Tuesdays happen. So do dog checkups, phone plans, spin classes and or the dentist appointments. But with an 8.99% promotional interest rate for the first six months, the new TD low-rate visa card is a smart way to help find some balance. Learn more at TD.com slash Low Rate Card. Conditions apply, limited time offer. And like that, I think you know what's coming next.

Starting point is 01:07:18 Back to back. Let's find out the other side of the story here as I present to you another new minute from Kiltoni Friend of the show Uncle laser everybody here is Uh-oh very serious very Big hanged energies out here I'm a more time bronch't- One more time, Bronco Laser, everybody. One more time, Bronco Laser.

Starting point is 01:07:47 Woo! Woo! Can't for motherfucking lying, first off. But I do my joke first here. Listen, I just saw my ex-girlfriend Kim Mons took her out to the Olive Garden, right? She said, come out, I'm better now. That was a trap.

Starting point is 01:08:02 She went away, right? She said, she's into this new hobby, domestic violence. She assaulted me with her eggplant parm in the middle of that fucking restaurant and then called me the in-word. Yeah, aggressive. Yeah, that's what I said, too, right? My wind is not that big. My credit score is good, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:08:25 Relax, right? But the basketball is a weird thing. I know look, I look like I hit women, but I don't. He can't hit them. They fall weird. They fall like newborn deer. And there's no winner for a man at domestic violence now. Right? You hit a woman, you're going to jail. But if you get taken advantage of in that fucking olive garden, you're a

Starting point is 01:08:53 fact. She got a pussy like a snapping turtle. So did I learn my lesson? No, am I going to see her again? Probably. She jerked me off in the shower with a rubber glove Behind like a stranger you ever jerked off that frog in the science project. That's what I'm talking about I'm Uncle laser. Thank you all so much. There you go Why the rubber glove very interesting? It's really not a rubber grove She had one of them is spole-y aching gloves like women doing her skin is shit And she put a lotion on that just beat me off her behind like a stranger would it was fucking incredible Is that true? No, it's a dead end.

Starting point is 01:09:26 I wish I was telling jokes. I'm just telling stories, man. Okay, Uncle laser, Louie. Yeah, that would fuck up your dick. I mean, yeah, that would hurt. When I used to jerk off with Anna for you, so I last longer. You had an auntie named Freeze.

Starting point is 01:09:42 Yeah. Slam. Slam! I love how people keep reacting to my jokes. Slam! You got it! You got me! A lot of those tonight. Okay, so let's talk about it.

Starting point is 01:09:55 Explain to me more, why would she jerk you off from behind with an exfoliant glove with lotion? It seems like very counter-active here. Why not use her bare hand? It's not the same. You would prefer it with the exfoliating hand mitt. It's like a pot mitt, kind of, right? Yeah, it's like an extra construction worker. So it's like a glove. The fingers go in the glove. It's a whole last glove you put on your hand, don't he? Yes. I'm asking you though, is it like a mitt or is it like a finger? You know, the exfoliating glove that you exfoliate? I don't know the the exfoliant glove that should exfoliate

Starting point is 01:10:26 I don't know that word you know I'm fucking talking about It's fully yeah, yeah with an F. Yeah Expoly ate and glove Spully so are her fingers in each individual finger or is it like well She's got two of them on right one jargon me the other one she picks me up like a bowling ball from the ass Oh Here you go these laser enough folks these lasering up laser I mean the other one she picks him up like a bowling ball from the ass Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and mittens, they're rough, they hurt. Why would you even think that would be good?

Starting point is 01:11:08 You like what you like. Relax, guys, you know? I've been beaten off since nine, you know those hands? I'm tethered. A lot of shocking things in your set, I noticed. You have a good credit score? I did. I'm about to fall for bankruptcy and kill myself, but yes, I used to have a good credit score. How did you use to? What happened?

Starting point is 01:11:34 Well, I was an old filthorfer. I made a lot of money. I had a house, I had pay my bills on time, and now... Now what? You know, hey. I'm here. Right. You're really thinking about filing bank?

Starting point is 01:11:46 No, no, no, just scrubbing it all the way. I am thinking, like, an exfoliating bop-kamp club? It's not, you go home and do it. And then we'll circle back to this. You're welcome, buddy. No way. No fucking way. Your dick's fucked up, dude.

Starting point is 01:12:01 It's got a big vein in the middle of it. It looks like a ribbed condom all the time. D-Man is knows what I'm talking about. I heard him back there. I know, you know. Come on, dude, I know you got a big ol' hog back there. You're throwing pole. There's no doubt about it. It's why he play bass, baby.

Starting point is 01:12:15 We all know D-Man is. That's a fucking absolute goddamn fucking out. He's smuggling something. Oh, dude. He don't put his bass in his case. He carries his dick around in it. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. 100% put his base in his case. He carries his digger on in it. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:12:26 100% carries his dick in his bag. Can we get in his cam shit? Because cam's lying. All right. He's lying, dude. OK, the coke is kicking in. No. Uncle Lake.

Starting point is 01:12:36 No, we do this shit. I already come on. I got something in my head. I don't want to do. Can we bring out that goddamn exfoliator? Cam, get my exfoliating. Make some extra cam patterns in here. Come on, Cam. Can we bring out that goddamn exfoliator? Cam, get my exfoliating. Make some noise for Cam Patterson here.

Starting point is 01:12:46 Okay. Everybody. He knows how to take his time. He's a show business master. Look at this. Oh, that's what the seat was for. Okay. All right, first off.

Starting point is 01:12:57 I'm putting this in perspective. Cam, is that Mike on? Touchdown. Okay, sweet. Put it in the, put it in the perfective for us. Come on, put it in the perfective. Come on, let me just put it in this perspective. Come on, here we go, I'm gonna dirt that too.

Starting point is 01:13:16 Come on, a little bit of love, let me do it. They took my exfoliating gloves to TSA. I get out to LA camp like come out doing a Hollywood and pro's eye. Enough TSA, let's talk BET, out to LA camp, like come out doing it in Hollywood and pro's eye. Enough TSA, let's talk BET, cams out here. Let's go. Get to your story. Damn, Tony, you're singing them, baby!

Starting point is 01:13:31 Wow, who would it get? Uh. Uh. Nah, but we get out to LA, right? And we do the Hollywood and pro's shit. And the second night, cams out, yo, I got these like four porn stars here. And I'm like, all right, bet.

Starting point is 01:13:44 And I was saying, I'm a go, I'm in no big deal. And, uh, cam's on stage, like Tim out come out about there and they're like sitting at the bar, like, oh, I'm gonna come up to it and say, hey, can I? Take your time, Jesus Christ. What the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the house, the Airbnb right now. I've never heard cam talk about that. But you ain't never seen, you ain't never seen impressed with porn stars, impressed with against a wall. And he said I'm kissing him the truck. You know what, right? That's crazy.

Starting point is 01:14:32 No, but you were fucking balls deep in that bitch with them fucking little bullshit fingers you got, dude. I mean, that's why your knuckles all fucked up. Show the camera, dude. Oh shit. You know what I'm saying, dude? That's not it. That's not it.

Starting point is 01:14:44 That's not it. No, that's not it? That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it.

Starting point is 01:14:52 That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it.

Starting point is 01:15:00 That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. the cons with it. And the li- Who needs condoms when you're exfoliating your dick all the time? It's for them, not me. You're the biggest, you're struggling to make sense now. And so he goes and gets that, and I ride back with him.

Starting point is 01:15:14 And look, me and Old Girl, yeah, we're in front of Seat Magging Out. Look, I mean, it's a great old time, right? We pull up to the house, about three minutes pull up to the house. I've seen her on her phone typing, no fucking paragraph. I'm like, that can't be good.

Starting point is 01:15:25 Right? And then we get there, we park her, I said, all right, let's write up here. She's like, guys, and they drove two hours to come to this show. So they're not right down the road. And she's like, I don't want to be anymore. My dad just text me, he says about to commit suicide.

Starting point is 01:15:40 And everybody goes, oh no. Right. And I look at the other girls, I'm like, you all's daddy ain't gonna commit suicide. Y'all wanna come in? I go, what's up? You know? So then, they're like, no, we gotta go.

Starting point is 01:15:52 And I'm like, thanks for the ride home, you know? And I'm walking up and I'm like, I gotta tell Cam and all his partners what just went down. They're gonna think, I did this, all right? Now look, these women are porn stars. They're not a Academy of Warwick and Actions. They didn think I did this all right now look these women are porn stars They're not a cat of me a war-winning actress. They didn't plan this all right She genuinely had disbelief on her face and her friends are being good friends

Starting point is 01:16:12 But I walk up the camera tell him a situation goes I'm fucked up motherfuckin man You know like when black people get mad they throw their hands down they walk away Fuck that motherfuckin man. I hope he dies, right? And I didn't take, actually, I took a Cialis, bro, because I was like, crap. Did you say Cialis, I said, actually, but yeah, dude. But then she gave him a shirt the next day,

Starting point is 01:16:35 and I just got a ride home. So I mean, who won here? You know what I'm saying, like, nobody, nigga, we didn't fuck pornstar, we lost. We all lost. Don't blame that on me. So you had pre-taken a sialless. So you are basically, what are you guys writing home together

Starting point is 01:16:50 in your heart as a rock? I will always take one. I take one every day when I work out and stuff. You get a great pump, you know what I'm saying? So like, I got that thing on me, you know what I'm saying? But like, yeah, it took it just because, what if? You know, I felt like it was a pretty win-win. Louis, did you try and comfort her with a boner?

Starting point is 01:17:06 Cause that doesn't work. If you're just rubbing your boner. No, I was just jerking off in the back seat. Like, there's waiting in there. Do you think her dad was gonna kill himself cause he accidentally jacked off to her porn? No, you know what I think it was? I think it was, she wasn't,

Starting point is 01:17:18 he wasn't worried about like the three black guys that were gonna gang-banger did. She, he was more worried about her fucking uncle laser. That's what it was, dude. That's what it was. Right, sure. Sure it was. You didn't try any pickup lines with your boner though,

Starting point is 01:17:33 you weren't like, man, I'm as stiff as your dead's gonna be in a few hours. I can picture you doing some real creepy, dirty talk. Yeah, I'm just like, oh, it's gonna take his one shot to my head For this not to take on the end of it. Yeah, I might kill himself But I'm gonna kill that pussy at the end of it at the end of it Just like look it's already hard. It's not gonna exfoliate itself, you know what I was saying?

Starting point is 01:17:56 Cam you just eating pizza with a hard dick Sad Hey, no hold on now. I heard a beat hold on now It's eight niggas in the room with the saddest fuck, though. It was sad, bro. You know what it was sad? Anybody order extra sausage? No, no, no.

Starting point is 01:18:14 You know what it was sad? This motherfucker gets pepperoni in olives, extra olives. Black olives. A tasty treat. That shit tastes like Chernobyl. That shit was terrible. That shit was, I was like, Cam, that's why they didn't come the news or these bullshit ass fucking pizzas man That's the piece I get when I'm sad. That's my sad that's your sad Hey, that's my hard pizza dude. That's what I'm hard rock. I mean do

Starting point is 01:18:36 Pepper pepperonian I'll live The old sad pizza But anyways if they were come back to Austin what? The old sad pizza. But anyways, if they ever come back to Austin. What? No, I mean, they might be coming back to Austin. I don't know. I know. Do you remember their porn names?

Starting point is 01:18:51 Yeah, Ava Stone. Yeah. Ava Stone. Let's look this up. Oh, right there. It's already on it. He's better than me. Who would have gotten it? Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, That's her! No, not her! That's her! That's her! That's her! That's her!

Starting point is 01:19:07 That wasn't playing either! That's her! What are you talking about? Everybody relax. Cam, you're about to... That's Michael Jordan. What is that? That's really...

Starting point is 01:19:17 Oh my God! Wait a second. How planned was it? This wasn't planned! You're wearing a porn star shirt underneath a Michael Jordan shirt? She's sending to him. She sent it to you? We can all talk. Is she like a fan of the show or something?

Starting point is 01:19:29 Yes, she's a fan of the show. Wait. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH That's her second of dick, that's her. That's her second of dick. Wait, that's her right there? Yeah, that's her room. Oh, Jesus, look, her knees are all beat up. Oh, okay. I can't believe I'm doing that. I can't believe I'm doing that.

Starting point is 01:19:53 I can't believe I'm doing that. That could have been huge, damn. Holy shit. Wait a second, is that a pepperoni and all the pizza in the background? God, I wish you could show that. Oh, my God. That's incredible. Hey, hey, he fucked it up. She loves it.

Starting point is 01:20:05 I didn't do that, man. Black.com. It looks like Cam would be a real front runner here. But she was on you that night. No, it was so bad. Who, which one were you going to end up with? I don't remember her name, you remember? Bella, Bella, Bella Storm or some shit.

Starting point is 01:20:17 Some shit. Bella, something. Let's look up. I actually have it on my phone. I looked her up because I was very sad that she had it. But it's been a while back so, that's not- That's not- An actual storm named Bella came up

Starting point is 01:20:30 that's in hitting Florida right now. That's not even a joke, that's real. Oh yeah, that's the area. Yeah, maybe. Okay, all right, we just got to get through this ad real quick. Just skipping five, four, three, two, do you want real girls in your area? Proof Red Man actually doesn't have a membership to all these things like we thought.

Starting point is 01:20:53 They're huge.com. Okay. I'm not playing your fucking guitar for a second. That's not her. That's not her. Okay. Wait, that's not her? That's not her.

Starting point is 01:21:03 Who is that? How do you guys know? It's just the back of her head. It's like, oh, because's not her? That's not her though. Who is that? How do you guys know? It's just the back of her head. It's like, oh, because you saw her leaving. That's all you know is the back of her head. Absolutely incredible. You boys are out of control, but I really like you two together. There's a lot of chemistry with fucking cam and fucking uncle ASMR.

Starting point is 01:21:21 Oh my god, dude. Extremely white meets extremely black in a battle of the Titans, no gray area to be found. I wonder if her dad died though. Oh, that nigga is dead. Did he show all of the papers? It's fucked that nigga, man. Well, it looks like she was buried under six feet in one of these videos, so she looks like the apple

Starting point is 01:21:42 doesn't fall far from the fucking tree. We dodged a bullet though. You know, I wanted to get shot by that bullet. I wanted to shoot me. I wanted that bullet back. I feel like these porn stars have the same talk on their sad drive home. I bet they think they dodged a bullet. What are you talking about, man?

Starting point is 01:22:02 All right. What Tinder lover? Okay. All right. What Tinder lover. Okay. All right, you guys are great fantastic stuff. Cam Patterson and Uncle Laser, everybody. Uncle Laser and cousin Cam. The real rabble rouses.

Starting point is 01:22:18 All right. Okay, another name out of the fuck. You guys having fun out there? It's fun being at Killtony Live, isn't it? Half-ass audience. Makes the noise for your next bucket bowl. 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Spencer Franco, everybody. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:22:37 Spencer Baranko. We're gonna meet them all together. One more time for Spencer, everybody. What's up, Austin? It's great to be here on the low budget version of American Idol for comics. Sorry, we just talking out here. I like many of the comics you've seen here tonight, decided to go into comedy in the mental health wing of a hospital. And while I was there, it was a lot of fun. I had a blast. I formed a band with my fellow inmates. I mean, patients. We formed a band called ourselves the Looney Toons. We just get in silly,

Starting point is 01:23:17 don't worry. And it was great. It was great. except it might have lengthened our stay there because we would practice. But we didn't have any instruments. So we'd just be like, Mark, I'm getting too much reverb. Turn it down, bud. Psychiatrist, Watson. There's no one here named Mark. More lithium.

Starting point is 01:23:44 All right. Well, yeah dude, low budget fucking show, huh? And zero laughs for a minute, just the show, and then just absolutely flat line for an entire minute. We're set of the night here on the low budget American Idol for comedians. Incredible, Louis. Hey, I gotta get my YouTube show.

Starting point is 01:24:05 Yeah, I gotta get my hair. I gotta get my shut the fuck up. All right. Consider me the Simon Cowell of this low-budget American Idol for comics, you piece of shit. Louis Katz. Yeah, this a no-for-me dog. Oh, there's a way.

Starting point is 01:24:20 Oh, yeah. Ah. Ah. I love it. Shame here. Let's talk about it. Spencer absolutely horribly got awful. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? A month. A month.

Starting point is 01:24:35 All of it here in Austin, is this where you're from? No, I'm from Baltimore, Maryland. Okay, you see you're just visiting? Yeah. For how long? Uh, tonight. When did you get here? Not tonight good one though. I got here yesterday. What just happened? Someone in the back said tonight. Oh when they ask okay

Starting point is 01:24:56 You heard that because it's so silent when you're on stage. It's incredible So when did you get here easy question? Let's try again. When did you get here? I got here? Sunday, okay, it's hard because I got here. I got to Texas on Saturday. Okay, so and then you and then I'm stupid as fuck So all right, when do you leave? Tonight don't worry. Yeah, you leave tonight for where where are you going tonight? You're getting a red eye out of Austin for where? Where are you going tonight? You're getting a red eye out of Austin, direct to Baltimore? No, I'm just driving as far away from this embarrassment as I can.

Starting point is 01:25:29 Ah! That's good. Come on. It was fucking unbelievably great what you did here tonight. Why would you be so ashamed of yourself? What made you sign up for this show a month in with absolutely no talent whatsoever? I'm a fan! Because I used to be a big fan, you know? What made you sign up for this show a month in with absolutely no talent whatsoever?

Starting point is 01:25:45 Because I used to be a big fan, you know? You used to be, I like it. I like it, absolutely. What do you think it's going to be like watching the show now, knowing that on this night, on this episode, people are going to say, Spencer didn't do that great. You blew it. It's gonna be like I'm finally understanding my father with how disappointed it is. Is your father really disappointed in you?

Starting point is 01:26:13 Uh, maybe, I don't know. What do you mean maybe you don't know? I mean, I don't talk to him that much. Okay. So, yes. Does he not talk to you? Is it his choice or your choice? Uh, mutual.

Starting point is 01:26:24 Ah. Well, if he sees this, he might try to you? Is it his choice or your choice? Mutual. Ah. Yeah. Well, if he sees this, he might try to kill himself, which basically makes you a porn star from what I understand. Ah, yeah. It's great. Spencer, what's interesting about you?

Starting point is 01:26:34 You're supposedly a former fan of the show. So you've seen it before. You know how this interview portion works. Yeah. What about you? Spencer, where do you fit into the historical interviews that have happened on this show? What's interesting about you? I've worked with kids with autism for the last four years and I've worked with a kid with autism for two and a half years. Hans Kim.

Starting point is 01:26:58 Okay, so you drove here from Baltimore. I drove here from Salt Lake City, Utah. You flew into Salt Lake City. I lived in Salt Lake City for the last three years, and I just recently bought a place outside of Baltimore again. That's where I grew up. And then I moved to Salt Lake, didn't like it, so I'm moving back. Why don't you like Salt Lake? Um, it's...

Starting point is 01:27:22 You know how often the more it's... You know how Austin is like Guys can you please stop yelling shit at this retard? That's on seas literally he can't help but to repeat back everything he hears because he has Zero performance ability whatsoever. So yeah, I Slow budget American Idol talk. I'm doing here. You know I mean I love it, dude. Don't worry. Yeah, no, it's good. I Austin's weird in in a fun artistic way. Utah's weird in a fun autistic way.

Starting point is 01:27:51 You know? Like, obviously, you know, basically me. So is stand up something that you really want to do? It was, for sure. You're saying that after this, it's over. You might retire. No, of course not. I'm not giving up, for sure. You're saying that after this, it's over, you might retire. No, of course not, I'm not giving up. Of course.

Starting point is 01:28:07 But yeah, I love performing in general. I did a lot of improv comedy. You did? Yeah. A lot? Yeah. Okay, what can you improvise right now for us? I did.

Starting point is 01:28:19 I used to do improvised music. Yeah. Okay, like what? What would you do improvised music. Yeah, okay, like what? What would you do in the music? Can you explain to me what you would do when you say you'd improvised music? What does that mean? It means I'd ask people for a suggestion.

Starting point is 01:28:37 And then you would sing a song about that suggestion. And then I usually have musicians with me. They would do that. Okay, perfect, ask for a suggestion. OK, perfect. That's first suggestion. Yes, sir. Any suggestions? Improv? What?

Starting point is 01:28:50 Santa Claus. Hamas? Hamas and Santa Claus. All right, Hamas and Santa Claus. Hamas and Santa Claus. Are the suggestions? Hit that real quick. This is indeed low budget American Idol improv live on Hillcoding

Starting point is 01:29:11 One of the great Bombing sets of the night and he's gonna bring it all together by spontaneously making a song about Hamas and Santa Claus. This is Santa Claus. This is Killtony American Idol low budget edition line from Austin, Texas. It's a long intro song. Oh, yeah Thinking, sing Nick He's really a select He looks good and rad And baby gets me dead but if there's one thing on my Christmas list

Starting point is 01:30:12 is that he'd go meet a moss and I'd be in bliss flying with him I, making them so playful. Flying with him us, it'll bomb worse than this, and we'll Flying with him us, and they will be so much fun. Israel is red, it c because the Christians have won. Oh! Thank you, Baba. Thank you, Zainiq. That's the one present I needed from you, Bavuz. So where I'll keep Miss Claus nice and warm.

Starting point is 01:31:09 Honest because dumb, but we still got that fire going. Woah, fly with a moss, Cause when it's all set and done, it won't kill, Tony, we have lots of balls. Wow, that's amazing. Wow, look at that. You really fucking turned it around, buddy. You got a little something in there.

Starting point is 01:31:43 Little fucking brain in there deep. Obviously a lot more comfortable with him. Probably a month into stand up. Fucking, there's a little fucking something in there. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. That was a great end. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:57 Fucking turned it around. I saved your ass. I put you in position to win. Get the fuck out of here. Spencer Branco! This guy's gotta go jerk off real quick. That's all I say every time somebody goes to the bathroom. She's got a jerk off. He's got a jerk off.

Starting point is 01:32:16 Alright, make some way through your next bucket poll. Anything can happen, obviously. It's Lexi Esposito, everybody. It looks like a new name. Here's Lexi Esposito, everybody. It looks like a new name. Here's Lexi Esposito, everyone. Hello. I'm from Florida. We're around to Santa's van the word gay, but only because he prefers the term baguette instead. So he told me he liked. I love being an Austin. I moved from Orlando. I love being in Austin because when I walk to my car

Starting point is 01:32:56 alone in Austin, I meet great people. They give me free drugs. It's wonderful. I walk to my car alone in Orlando, though. I get followed by a black man jacking off. But I wasn't even mad. Because I never thought a black man would masturbate to me. I'm like this little guinea white girl, you know? Huge compliment. I had to get a color TV though moving in.

Starting point is 01:33:23 Just to make sure the neighbors know I'm not racist. Hang in my blackout curtains. So silly. Thank you, guys. Lexi S. Pazito. That's me. Fun. Welcome to the show.

Starting point is 01:33:42 It's your first time on? My second time. OK. It's been a couple years. Welcome back. Was this the black guy that was jerking off to you by any chance? I can now see why he would be the one to. I love it.

Starting point is 01:34:05 I can relate to you, Lexi, because I, too, am a white, flat-chested lesbian. So this is incredible. You said you were gay? Is that correct? No. I felt like I heard that. Maybe I just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you

Starting point is 01:34:21 just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to, you just to see that energy. What? Ron DeSantis, fan the word gay. Ron DeSantis, what? Fan the word gay from Florida. Diddy. Like the use of it. Diddy?

Starting point is 01:34:29 Yeah. Diddy, really though? I mean, no. You watch MSNBC? Is that what happened? You catch in the mainstream news or something? Oh, what I can't. Right.

Starting point is 01:34:40 But you know, we didn't really do that. Right, because you can't do that. OK. All right. But you know, we didn't really do that. Right, because you can't do that. Okay. All right. Okay, okay. So Lexi, you moved from Orlando to Austin. Yeah. When did you do that?

Starting point is 01:34:51 Two months ago, three months ago. Two months ago. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my sixth time. Your sixth time ever in your life? Yeah. Oh my goodness. Wow.

Starting point is 01:35:01 Where else have you done it? Just a bunch of open mics. I wanted to start here, so yeah. Okay. I'm getting out when I can to start here, so yeah. Okay. I was getting out when I can, because I worked on it. Was your first time on the show? It was. I had no idea I was going to do stand-up.

Starting point is 01:35:11 How did that go? Remind me, because I don't- It was terrible. Yeah. Because I was so high. You were. I had to add a body experience, but yeah. I had the mic out here, and the just-

Starting point is 01:35:22 Okay. All right. Deer. Throwing people off a little the just... Okay. All right. Deer, throwing people off a little bit, Deer. All right. He's asking his own separate questions, everybody. I love it. Okay.

Starting point is 01:35:34 So Lexi, let's talk about it. What did we not talk about? What did we talk about on your last interview? What did I find out about you that was interesting? The people might remember you by at all. You are absolutely un-memorable. I know. No one remembers you.

Starting point is 01:35:51 Well, you said I was too nice to do comedy. What? You said I was too nice to do comedy. I said that. Yeah. I still think that. I know. But I just want to keep doing it.

Starting point is 01:36:00 OK, no, I love it. I'm just kidding. No one is too nice to do comedy. OK, what else did I say that stood out to you? You remember anything else? No is a fine answer as well. No. Okay, so tell us what could we have talked about? Have you thought about that interview since then about your life that would make me interesting to people? I do like I Sing like I love music you do you sing what type of things do you sing?

Starting point is 01:36:25 Well, like, go to is what's up for non-blans. Oh, so you do karaoke. I mean, I have to, that's when I can only get out. That's when you can get out. Yeah. Right. Okay. You guys know that one?

Starting point is 01:36:42 Yeah. One, two, one, two, three, four. I've tried some times when I'm lying in bed to get it all out. What's in my head and I, I belong a little peculiar. That's a bad one. People love it, but... Yeah, boys! Oh yeah, I think we have another lesbian here in the front. I'm a football lover, but... Yeah, boy!

Starting point is 01:37:07 Oh yeah, I think we have another lesbian here in the front. Oh shit, look at this fucking guy, sorry sir. Well, all right. Okay, here we are with a fucking female Waldo over here. So Lexi, what else about you? What do you do for fun? What are some things that would surprise us about you? I walk my dog. I... I feel like your dog walks you.

Starting point is 01:37:32 She does! Right, absolutely. You're a beta. Yeah. What? You're a beta bitch. Beta bitch, baby. Hell yeah. See your dog walks to you, what else?

Starting point is 01:37:49 Oh, listen to music. I'm trying to... I just work. What do you do for work? I do room service at a hotel down here. Okay. Hello, here's your thing. So nice talking with you.

Starting point is 01:38:03 Okay, do you get good tips doing that? You ever see anything weird? No, I just have to take the beating of like, oh my God, sorry, I didn't get your dark chocolate covered strawberries, you know? Right. Just picky people. People that want what they ordered.

Starting point is 01:38:20 They paid for. Yeah, paid a lot of money for. Chocolate covered strawberries at the hotel have to be at least $20, right? Yeah, fucking yes, I know for a fact because I live that type of baller lifestyle. So I actually know that was a trick question. I get chocolate covered strawberries

Starting point is 01:38:39 at every hotel I stay at. Ah! Hell yeah. The boys insist on it. Absolutely. 100%. I put one in my ass and have my buddies use exfoliating gloves on my hard throbbing cock. Anyway, all right, Lexi, you got a little joke book last time you run. I did. Well, there you go. Thank you. I'm here. You're tired.

Starting point is 01:39:09 Absolutely. Adorable, very sweet. Lexi has Pizzito, everybody. One of these days, Lexi, let me ask you something. Hold on, stop, stop, stop. Let me ask you something. Anything traumatizing or terrible ever happened to you in your life, because you seem so sweet and innocent that I feel like it's gonna take you got a DUI

Starting point is 01:39:27 Okay, all right. How drunk were you? 0.09 Barely over the legally just drunk enough to be like I'm sorry Sorry, I can't believe the most interesting thing about you is not interesting. That is crazy I can't believe the most interesting thing about you is not interesting. That is crazy. I mean, there was a pregnant girl. There was a pregnant girl. What?

Starting point is 01:39:49 In my car, like, while this is all happening for some reason. Uh-huh. Why? Why was there a pregnant girl? I wasn't aware until I picked up. They're like, oh, hey, this girl's coming. She's pregnant. I'm like, oh, that's weird.

Starting point is 01:40:01 But OK. Why were you driving a pregnant woman? What does that mean? Why were you driving a pregnant woman? Were you ubering people? No, it was just like, you know, when you're in a group of friends and everyone's to go out, but no one's gonna drive. So I drove and I was told that there's a pregnant girl.

Starting point is 01:40:20 There she goes, everybody. Lexi has to see it or everyone. Jesus Christ. I barely got a DIY one. There she goes everybody Lexi Espacito everyone Jesus Christ. I Barely got a DIY ones That's what you need you need some trauma in your life Lexi Need a dead parent or something Someone kill one of our parents

Starting point is 01:40:40 We're gonna change her entire comedy career All right last bucket pool the night goes by the name of BUSCO Jones everybody your final bucket pool of the night BUSCO Jones. So they say hindsight's 2020, right? Being 40 now I can't say anything but I agree. If I were known at 20, that at 40 I'd be here doing this Still waiting tables married with children living in my hometown I would have taken my drug dealing career so much more seriously Right I mean because like selling drugs is easy. It's like the ho and of being a dude You know you don't have a lot to do like everybody loves drugs

Starting point is 01:41:23 comedians love drugs. Service industry workers love drugs. Americans we love fucking drugs. Why do we love drugs? Same reason we love Mexicans. They fucking work. That's what I'm talking about. Highly fucking effective.

Starting point is 01:41:42 It's hard to know what to trust these days, but I'm finding myself being really happy and trusting and convenient store branding. Like Bucky's, right? It's like a wonderful world of like convenient capitalism with its mascot. Quick trip and race track real quick, real fast. 7-Eleven, you can be waiting 7-Eleven minutes, right? It makes me really want to go to a come and go. Then Buzko Jones, thank you very much.

Starting point is 01:42:08 Buzko. Am I saying that right? Yeah, Buzko. Okay, so it's Buzko, B-U-S-C-O. I've never heard of that name. What is that? It means I look for in Spanish. It's a nickname I got.

Starting point is 01:42:18 Means you look what? I look for it. It's like the... You look for it or forward? I look, literally, I mean, I, at Buzko. Let Buzkar. Now I definitely now I double don't know what the fuck you're interrupting him answering a question. I'm not yeah. He's not saying his own name correctly. Michael is correcting a man saying his first name a fully grown man. How do you say Michael? Buzkar. Buzgar is the personal like I see, I look for it.

Starting point is 01:42:48 Buzgar, yo Buzgar. Still don't know, are you saying? The name, the name, the name. Forward or for it? For it, for, for, just for. I look for, for. That's right, that's so stupid. To search, oh, Yoni is aggressively answering the question

Starting point is 01:43:03 out of nowhere. Is it a Jewish word or something? Why are you so aggressive about this? To search. To search. It was middle school. It was a nickname. It was a joke.

Starting point is 01:43:15 So yeah, it's a nickname. Thank you. Demand is following up with questions tonight. Somebody slipped Adderall into his fucking drink. A lot of fucking talking back here tonight from Demand is string a live podcast, no big deal whatsoever. Doesn't affect anything at all, talking throughout a podcast,

Starting point is 01:43:32 but I'll turn a blind eye to it. Anyway, so let's get back to Oki-Oki, thank you, Dee. Thank you so much. We're moving forward starting now. Thank you. So, Buzko. Yes, sir. What do you do for work?

Starting point is 01:43:48 I manage a small restaurant on real estate broker. Okay, that's an interesting combination. Do you sell in real estate? You have been a broker for 15 years. You do good at it? I've done, yeah, I've just been a broker. Why do you manage a small restaurant? Long story short, you worked there 15 years ago and my daughter was born, rolled in there about a year ago. Owner was slammed, she offered me a job in a spot.

Starting point is 01:44:10 Real estate, it just kind of changed, slowed down, so I was like, fuck it, I'll do it three nights a week. You know, get a little cardio, I need it. Right, it seems like you're getting high on your own supply there at the restaurant. It's a good pasta. Do you think you eat more than you burn calories at the restaurant? It's pot, I'm an emotional eater so yeah, I just stress, stress, eat pizza.

Starting point is 01:44:28 Right, what stresses you out? What makes you want to eat a lot? Uh, entitled, uh, people that live in neighborhoods that are very well thinking mad at their pizzas like seven minutes late. You serve chocolate covered strawberries at this store? No, we should, we will for bound times I bet though. I'll suggest that. Yeah, absolutely. I like your voice very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, Bethel. I'll suggest that. Yeah, absolutely. I like your voice very much. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:44:49 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ah, he's got, yeah. Back into it. Bucket is a wonderful world. See the moon. Exactly. How that needs many of your pieces. I could do that, yes very easily.

Starting point is 01:45:07 What? Do it. You're already doing it, dude. Thank you. Thank you. Try it. Okay. Very interesting. And how long you been on stand-up?

Starting point is 01:45:18 About five, seven years. Five, seven years. My goodness. My goodness. It's just a hobby. You take it seriously? No, I got kids. No! No! Hobbie is my gun only a hobby you take it seriously. You think no No, I don't take it too seriously. I enjoy it as something to do to get the 9 minute wonderful girl. Yeah, all right

Starting point is 01:46:15 Yeah, she's she's great. Yeah, she's great. Right. Is she yeah, we're Highest we've been friends forever. So it was Louis. What do you think about this? I just I like your We've been friends forever so... Louie, what are you doing? What are you doing? I just... I like your assassination theme sweatshirts. Thank you. America's greatest hits. What's Jesus?

Starting point is 01:46:30 Was your 9-11 theme shirt in the wash? Or what the fuck? I didn't have my tower 7 when I was on me. I apologize. Wow. That is incredible. I didn't even notice that. What made you buy that hoodie?

Starting point is 01:46:43 I actually had a maid. You had that custom maid? I didn't even notice that. What made you buy that hoodie? Oh, I actually had a maid. You had that custom maid? Oh, wow. I'm from Dallas. I like the asset. We killed the president in our city, and it's, I mean, we, you're right, it's great.

Starting point is 01:46:55 It's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it's so, it I'm not a model. To search. For a laugh, right? Interesting. You need to search for more punchlines. Thank you so much for sure. For sure. Man, very, very, very interesting. So what made you want to do this? What makes you want to do stand by?

Starting point is 01:47:20 That's a long story short. I was doing really well in real estate about seven years ago. I wanted to get out of the house because I was breaking up or splitting it with my first baby mother. I got into promoting comedy in Dallas because there's a lot of great legal comedians that were up there.

Starting point is 01:47:33 And that was really how I wanted to start. Did a festival, a few comedians kind of fucked me over. How did they fuck you over? They just basically took the festival and just took off with it after. Right. Because I said mean shit online. We know that goes there.

Starting point is 01:47:46 What did you say online? I honestly don't remember, because it wasn't anything mean. I was just making jokes. I think it's funny. And as an unfuckable 40-something year old white dude, I don't resonate with the 20-somethings. Believe it or not? Not very easily.

Starting point is 01:48:02 They didn't realize I was just fucking with them, and they took it personally anyway. Since then I just kind of been doing it as up and mics, just going to open mics and just trying. I had a very bad stage fright. What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done is in your life? In my life?

Starting point is 01:48:17 Yeah, in your entire life. Ah, I mean, I got some great reviews on you, but a restaurant. I told some people the other day that this isn't Olive Garden. If you want something done a little fast, you need to go to fuck there. They posted a Yale preview. Olive Garden.

Starting point is 01:48:32 I'm a lot funnier at the restaurant. Yeah, like what have you done at the restaurant? That's right. When you're in the moment and somebody's busting your balls about not, they had to catch a flight and you came into a small hole in the wall restaurant with 10 tables and you're being an asshole. I'll tell you to go all of the way. What did they say that was like an asshole thing?

Starting point is 01:48:48 That we're going to catch a flight and you are taking too long and you only have so many tables, why isn't this happening faster? So how long do you think it took after they ordered their entrees for them to get them? They got to fuck out after that because I told them it was going to be about an hour, 10 or 15 minutes and then they left and then I told them that they wanted something faster Next time they should go to Olive Garden because if they want fast service, you should go to a fast service That's the funniest thing you've ever done in entire life. Just recently

Starting point is 01:49:15 It was just recently. I was I was class pound four years in a row At high school at a very unfunny. I'm a very unfunny joke. Here's a small joke, but get out of here. There goes Buzko Jones. Buzko Jones. Second Jones of the night I do believe. Rhymes are ivory. Yeah, ivory Jones. My goodness.

Starting point is 01:49:36 My goodness, what a night we've had so far. Everyone have fun tonight. Well, as you may know, there's only one way to end an episode like this. It's with the Hall of Famer, the guy that's done it more than absolutely anybody ever in this show's history. It's been five years of him gracing our stages all around the country, all around, uh, all around everywhere. Sold out shows his entire career. Every single show he's ever done has been a sold out killton. He's only

Starting point is 01:50:06 known us during the great era of thriving and he's a big part of it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the Raleigh rodeo riot, the Bulgarian bulb hammer, the big red machine, this is indeed William Montgomery. That dude needs to keep the fucking Olive Garden jokes in the restaurant. Tom asked, what the fuck was he thinking? Also, you'll be happy to know the idiot who couldn't really sing that well, who called this show a low-run American idol. I literally killed him out

Starting point is 01:50:58 and the thing back there after the fun. What a fucking pussy that idiot was. Holy shit, you were nice, don't you? Oh, and also it has been super tense in the green room. Hans Kim won't even look at. I don't know what happened up here tonight, but he's pacing around up there. He's not making eye contact with anybody. Last week an 85 year old man stabbed his wife to death for messing up his pancakes. So what's the fucking problem with that? 85 year old man stabbed his wife to death for messing up his pancakes.

Starting point is 01:51:25 So what's the fucking problem with that? Stupid old bitch can be messing up! I can't get pancakes, Bob! I saw a fat woman described as a plus-size influencer and I couldn't help but wonder, what is she influencing people to do? Buy more candy? Pfft! Pfft!

Starting point is 01:51:51 Which cats is her best asleep on? Pfft! It's like we get it, bitch, you're not moving along! Pfft! Pfft! Okay, that's my time, Tody. Thank you. William Mont-Gummery.

Starting point is 01:52:06 Hell yeah, absolutely fantastic. A minute 20 seconds, you did it again. Hilarious the whole way through. Absolutely the standard setter of the show. Looking fantastic. The red to blue ratio, everything is unbelievable. You have the head of a fucking star. I've set it a million times. I'll say it again.

Starting point is 01:52:26 I know. You always do say that, you are built for comedy. You are built to be the machine that you are. Oh, he's eyeballing the people in the front. Yeah. Oh my God. What is wrong with your fucking bitch's stomach, man? What is going on? Oh my God. Are you a fucking influencer that I was talking about, bitch? What are you saying, William? What are you saying? The girl's laughing. I don't know what I'm not seeing. I have a bad angle.

Starting point is 01:52:54 Stand up. Can you stand up? What is happening? What is going on? Oh my goodness. Oh, she's... Ah! What is that? No, I'm really asking.

Starting point is 01:53:08 What does your stomach look like that? What? Baby. She has a baby hidden underneath her shirt. Baby? Do you know where babies come from, William? Have you ever seen a pregnant woman? I always, I always heard.

Starting point is 01:53:25 They did the mailman delivers it to your house. And that's what I always believe, Tony, that there's a store in a mailman. And a second store preference tonight. This is unbelievable. I bet nobody. That would have been, if you bet a dollar in Vegas, that there'd be two store preferences this episode,

Starting point is 01:53:44 you could have won three billion dollars here. This is the first episode. Maybe the second ever in which one store was ever mentioned. And here we are, our second store reference of the night. Did you know where you were? Were you aware that there was a store reference?

Starting point is 01:53:58 Yeah, yeah, I heard the first store reference. We've been watching it, and I have been, yes. I was watching this. Meanwhile, a perfect opportunity fell on your plate, right then, to use a second-stork reference. But when you come to a stork in the road, OK. So have you never seen a pregnant woman before?

Starting point is 01:54:16 I don't have to. Absolutely. I'm not even kidding. I'm not kidding. I'm not kidding. Saudi Arabian guy, who we know, he comes to a lot of episodes. Is that your baby in there? It is, you flew your plane into her tower.

Starting point is 01:54:28 What? Little Muhammad. Hell yeah. All right, you gave her your all-ah-all-ah-acabar or whatever. What are you Muslim as well? Yeah, what are you? Mexican AHH. What are you Muslim as well? Yeah, what are you? Mexican ah Uh-oh, we got a fucking jihad taco over here. Oh

Starting point is 01:54:54 My goodness, so when's the baby gonna come out? February 10th, okay look at that absolutely maybe you can be it can happen here on Kiltoni, at least it'd be one good delivery tonight. You wanna blow some more that smoke in her face? Just let it. Yeah, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it's your, it take full fucking control over here? Wow, that is incredible. Oh, really, five middle names? Oh, wow, leave it to a fucking Saudi Arabian of extra baggage.

Starting point is 01:55:32 Just gonna have to check these fucking names. All right, so it won't be, it's a long name to have on the no fly list. That's incredible. Wow. So what are all the names? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:55:50 Somebody shot up with testosterone today. What are the names? Put the mic in front of his mouth, will you? I want to hear this. Here, take that one. Muhammad Majest Sultan Yafid Al Alrisseed Al-Aleyan Al-Assiri. Garcia! Oh my god!

Starting point is 01:56:10 There was one more name there. I think Indiana Jones was about to pop up out of nowhere. The fucking... Yeah. Hell yeah, very good, Deemer. Quick on the Indiana Jones on the trombone. All right. William, oh, look at the daydream happening.

Starting point is 01:56:39 Rock solid. Statch. I have had the worst day, Tony. I went to an enterprise car lot at the airport. And again, I had to get that new credit card that only felons can get because I have no credit history. So I had to get this endamed if the rental car that I got for the next week wasn't like, I swear to God, it was like $23 over my credit card limits. So I had to have a whole two-hour nightmare right before this.

Starting point is 01:57:09 Trying to talk to the Discover people, trying to talk to the Bank of America people. You started your first card, is it Discover card? Yeah, that's what I was, I was, why it was funny about that red band? That's weird as fuck. That's weird as fuck. That's weird as fuck. Yeah, I have a fucking discovered quote. You didn't start with like a cha, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, like a, Shit ton of debt. And the fifth grade, I took out all these loans. I had this one friend that was selling a shit to making a shit ton of money on these magazines

Starting point is 01:57:51 sales. So I took out like $30,000 in loans, Tony, and the fifth grade. And I'm still paying that shit back. I mean, it's ballooned to $300,000. It took out a $30,000 loan and then started buying magazines. So to try to help with, to alleviate the debt that I was just, I was hemorrhaging money. I mean, it was horrible. I'm buying all these magazines. My mom's getting pissed.

Starting point is 01:58:14 I have a bunch of mad magazines. I'm not even allowed to look at mad magazines. And my mom's like, William, what are you doing with all these mad magazines in your fucking bedroom? You're not even allowed to look at these things. I'm like, Mom, I'm hemorrhaging money right now. I have $30,000 worth of fucking stock, a mad magazine. Nobody's buying mad magazine, Tony.

Starting point is 01:58:32 I mean, this is mid-90s. Nobody's looking at mad magazine anymore. That's when people were buying it. It was hot. Well, I couldn't find the people. Trust me, I was looking. But yeah, and, oh, God. I really love it. I love it. So what kind of card did you end up renting?

Starting point is 01:59:00 A Volvo. Save his kind of card there is. Oh, you like safety. But there's a little... Yeah, don't know. William is a very, very lives in fear, a little fun fact about William. This part is one of the true sides of William Montgomery doesn't talk about it on stage, but he literally is. Truly, one of the most scared people that we know refuses to fly on private jets. He breathes. He breathes. He breathes. He breathes.

Starting point is 01:59:21 He breathes. He breathes. He breathes. He breathes. He breathes. It's just shit out of me. They crash. It's crazy. I have to yell up here, I think, y'all. If I'm really kind of getting down to it right now, after this very mediocre sub, I think I yell up here

Starting point is 01:59:33 because I am really, as Tonya said, I'm the biggest coward you've ever met. That's why I look out of my apartment windows, literally 24-7. I'm constantly scanning the fucking grounds of the parking lot. I'm the biggest pussy you've ever met. I'm constantly scanning the fucking grounds of the parking lot. I'm the biggest pussy you've ever met. I swear to God. And then I have to, I think compensate up here when I fuck it.

Starting point is 01:59:51 I have to yell up here. I have to compensate. Hey, sir, you want to look at me when I'm fucking talking? You fucking idiot. And I got scared when I was talking about the plus size model. And then I looked down here and you're kind of plus size But no, I was really scared about that I come out here and I'm thinking God I have this plus size joke and I look down and Are you looking at the pregnant woman again? I am looking at and I'm kidding ma'am

Starting point is 02:00:24 Oh my goodness, you're talking to that woman. Yeah. What the fuck is wrong with you tonight? She's morbidly obese if you can't see her. Oh my god. I'm kidding. I'm scared right now. Stop it. What are you scared of right now? Are you calling women? She has a sham look on her face. I made them a stain. Oh my god, William. It's crazy. You're genuinely bad right now. It was scary when you did it to the pregnant woman. It's a whole different thing when you're doing it to innocent bystanders. Well, I was gonna take it out on somebody. I was waiting at the fucking enterprise

Starting point is 02:01:03 car lot two hours earlier. So I was gonna get sure she's gonna take it out on somebody. I was waiting at the fucking enterprise car lot two hours earlier. So I was gonna, sure, she was gonna take it out on some, so I'm sorry it was y'all. Y'all look like wonderful people. I'm sorry it was y'all. I've been fucking on edge this whole day ever since the Enterprise. So...

Starting point is 02:01:15 ... ... ... ... Maybe you can make it up to them. Maybe you can do it like a little private meet and greet with the two of them after the show right over here in the corner. How about that? Yeah, my gosh, if you'll want to.

Starting point is 02:01:27 Yeah, I'd love to. William in rare form tonight. Have you been eating your Kellogg's all brand fiber buns? I didn't eat them today. I can tell. I can tell you are low on fiber. Oh, he's analyzing the gas. Oh, we think that we're going to be. I need him today. I can tell. I can tell you are low on fiber. Oh, he's analyzing the gas funny.

Starting point is 02:01:48 Oh, we've seen this before. I don't know which parts are funny. I'm just laughing, man. Mm-hmm. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. This is not the energies of someone that has a Volvo. Ha-ha-ha.

Starting point is 02:02:03 You're still looking at the gas. We've seen this before. Sometimes he just eyeballs the guest makes them very uncomfortable. Who do I look at, Tony? I don't know who to look at anymore! What I wish I did! What I wish I did! William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, we did it again, another episode of Keltoni. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in, it's amazing, Ryan J. Belt. Let's look at some local art from the local Chris Rogers. Oh, William Montgomery, South Park Hybrid.

Starting point is 02:02:42 That's awesome. I love it. I'm in a hand for the great Louis Cads, everybody. William Montgomery, South Park Hybrid. That's awesome. I love it. I'm gonna hand for the great Louis Cats, everybody. LouisCats.com for tickets, catch them in Colorado Springs, February 23rd, 24th. This weekend at the Creek and the Caves, Sacramento, January 18th, the 20th,

Starting point is 02:02:57 and his new special, present tense is out now at LouisCats Comedy on YouTube. He's LouisCats Comedy on everything that's L-O.U.I.S.K.A.T.Z One more time for Louis Katz everyone Thank you, fantastic. Thanks for having me. Have a one more time for the best standband in the land Michael Gonzalez on the drums Paul Dimmer on the horn Steve Madness on the bass John Needs on the keys and the Mad Man Matt you fueling on the face. John Needs on the keys and the madman. Matthew Fuehling on the electric guitar.

Starting point is 02:03:26 Thank you to Joe Blas' to Red Rose, Yellow Rose, gingerbusters.com, Hall of Opera, mouse and security arts service and connect mobile health. Get a fucking IB drift. Don't be an idiot. Rehydrate, kill 15. Check out the So-Sent Strip Comedy Club, some such Strip ATX.com. Thank you, we love you guys. Good night everybody. Have some zippings, two zippings, two on wants some zippx? Huh? Oh the Asian guy. How about the pregnant lady? One sound. There you go. There you go.

Starting point is 02:03:53 All right. How about you guys over here? Oh my goodness. Oh my god. I think I just... I think I just killed somebody. Here you go. All right. Good night everybody. Thank you. We love you just killed somebody. Here you go. All right. Good night everybody. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:04:08 We love you. Good night. Thank you. You guys gotta get the fuck outta here now. So an exclusive Piltownie merch for sale in the lobby. We love you. God bless America. Good night everyone. 2 個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個個 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2%, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2%, 2 %, 2 %, 2%, 2, 3%, 2 %, 2%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2%, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2%, 3%, 2, 3%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2 2 nd 2 nd

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KILL TONY - #645- LOUIS KATZ

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