KILL TONY - #646 - DERIC POSTON + EHSAN AHMAD
Episode Date: January 23, 2024Louis Katz, William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Re...dban – 12/19/2023 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://sportsbook.draftkings.com or through my promo code KILLTONY. Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Get $80 off your first month at https://talkspace.com/TONY Head to https://www.squarespace.com/tony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code TONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at TonyHinchcliff.com.
And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas.
Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of
kill toe back on my stand up tour at the end of January hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on
the fully grown tour before this vancouver portland and seattle your next january 25th 26 and 27th
and then los angeles california i do stand up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh,
Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort
Lauderdale and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for
you to see it. Taken some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get
tickets now at TonyHinchCliff.com.
This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour
for the rest of 2024.
It's all just performing in Austin and Kiltony from there.
So hope to see you soon.
I'm not sure what to do with this. I'm just gonna go back to the game.
I'm not sure what to do with this.
I'm just gonna go back to the game.
I'm not sure what to do with this.
I'm just gonna go back to the game.
I'm not sure what to do with this.
I'm just gonna go back to the game.
I'm not sure what to do with this.
I'm just gonna go back to the game.
I'm not sure what to do with this.
I'm not sure what to do with this.
I'm not sure what to do with this. I'm not sure what to do with this. Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up right now, Tony. It's Cliff!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?
Yeah, that sounds fucking great.
I'm gonna hand over the great red band, everybody.
Hi!
This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the motherfucking world, and you're at it.
Brought to you by Gelblaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose,
Ninjalbuses.com, Hall of Fam, Austin Security Guard Service
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right now, save 15% using the code Kill15. How we doing tonight?
You guys happy?
Fuck yeah.
How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land?
That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
The great Paul Deemer on the horns.
Matthew, the mad man of Michigan mulling, ladies and gentlemen.
John Dees on the motherfucking keys.
And this, of course, is the Dees on the motherfucking keys.
And this, of course, is the great and powerful D-Madness.
Here on the bass guitar.
How about one more time for the special appearance
you guys got to see by the great tall Wilkenfeld?
Yeah!
And here we go.
A lot of fun stuff ahead before we start here
is a little bit more from the amazing sponsors
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This episode is brought to you by Starbucks.
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You've got this.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?
Yeah! Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Yeah!
Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode?
Yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
You know, we have a lot of the best guests in the world on this show,
and some of them I introduced to y'all before they are tremendously fucking famous.
These are two guys that the entire world will know of.
I mean, and if you don't already, they've been on the show multiple times,
but these guys are about to blow the fuck up.
Two guys that are a huge part of the Austin comedy scene.
On all the shows, almost all the shows that we do around here with Rogan and Segura,
and Tim DeLana and Shane Gillis and everybody.
Make some noise for two of the best
in the world, two of my top young rising comedian,
favorite rising comedians on planet Earth.
It's Derek Poston and Asana Mod, ladies and gentlemen.
Make some fucking noise for our guests.
Derek Poston.
You know him.
He does arenas with his pulse.
The greatest son of mine.
Survive.
Survived in 9-11 hijacking.
So rare survivor.
He was flying one of the planes
and hit the eject button at the last second.
Not a lot of people know that.
He parachuted. He paraglided out of there.
Didn't have a parachute. He paraglided out of the plane. Son, tell them about that. You
were very young at the time.
You know, you know, Indian people, we achieve early. You know, so...
How old were you during 9-11?
Old enough to do it.
Okay, I love it. I'm so excited right now.
I'm so do it. Okay, I love it. I'm so good at it right now. I'm so good at it right now.
The great Derrick Post in famous for arenas with Schultz,
the Flagrin podcast with Andrew Schultz,
a huge member of the Schultz plan.
How did you get to start working with Andrew Schultz?
How does that go down exactly?
Yo, buddy!
Tell these people just the types of things
that I fucking do with them.
Tony hooked it up.
Tony hooked it up.
He texted me saying, hey bro, all you gotta do
is suck Andrew Schultz Dick one time, dog,
and you on the tour, no.
He set it up though, bro.
That's the big OG.
He's the reason I'm doing a lot of the shit I'm doing.
So I'm very thankful.
Yeah, Schultz texted me, he said,
who do you think would be a good feature
for me in Austin, Texas?
I said, I got exactly the guy.
They fell in love and they worked together
ever since he famously talked about how
you love traineesannies on the
Still do happily married still do absolutely. He just got married. I've got a hand for that everybody
But you guys have done the show multiple times
You know how it works a ton of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on the stage
You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear
sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up.
Then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear.
Mitch just interrupts them.
And then I conduct an interview.
And we talk to them.
We find out more about them.
The entire thing is crazy.
Anything can happen.
And we're all going to live it here together in the moment.
Are you guys ready for this shit?
Oh, let's go.
I'm going to pre-pull a name.
We're going to get them from the bar across the street.
Sweet little dirty little poor choices, a brand new adventure from our good friend Nick,
who famously owned Vulcan Gas Company, he's got a new bar.
Really small ceilings, very sweet.
They just started to take over, they are much lower ceilings than Sunset,
could be the second best comedy club on the street in no time whatsoever.
They are a microphone away from having the second best comedy club on the street in no time whatsoever. They are a microphone away from having the second best comedy club on the street.
Woo! Poor choices. That's right across the street.
Our good friend's on it. I've got a hand for Nick and Kirk up here in the house.
So while we go wrangle whoever that was that I just pulled out of the bucket,
we're gonna get one of our absolute historical regulars
up here, a fucking legend of the game,
an absolute Korean thug, if you will.
Ladies and gentlemen, we found him absolutely doing nothing
but open mics, making $0 a month doing standup comedy.
Now he's got the Rolex, he's got the white girlfriend,
he's got it all going for him, he's rich, he sells out all over the world now.
This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.
Big Hans Kim.
Make some noise for Motherfuckin' Hans Kim.
Big Hans Kim.
Big Hans Kim.
Big Hans Kim.
Thank you. I have a Bangladeshi roommate and sometimes he cooks food so smelly I have to take a shit
with the door open.
Just to get rid of the smell.
I have been sending a lot of ozempic to the Palestinians in Gaza.
So it's easier for them to dodge the bombs.
And if they do get hit, there's less mess to clean up.
I hate it when ugly people act like them dating.
It's the same thing as when hot people date like me.
It's like the difference between the NFL and Major League Soccer.
It's like, yeah, you're playing on the same field, but no one wants to see what you're
doing.
All right, thank you.
That was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim.
That was Hans Kim.
Yeah.
Fantastic, Hans.
How are you?
Good.
I'm good.
That was great.
Good set.
Thank you so much.
That means so much to me, Tony.
Jesus Christ.
This guy is the most autistic fucking robot.
How do you have both?
How is it possible that you're autistic and robot-like?
Uh, I just am Asian.
I think this is what Asians are like. Hello.
Hello, indeed.
I love it.
So how much of that's real? I love it.
So how much of that's real?
Because we heard recently that a roommate complained about the smell of your kimchi,
and now you're complaining about the smell of your roommate's food.
So it seems to-
It's totally made up.
I don't even know where I came up with that shit.
I think it was from a long time ago, and I looked through my notes and I was like,
oh shit, yeah.
I could do that.
You know, that joke on kill time. So full disclosure I am the
Bangladeshi roommate that he's talking about. This is being a state! No first of all, first of all I
don't cook. Second of all, bro this motherfucker is the worst roommate when it comes to food.
I have ever seen in my entire life this guy once cooked ribs and then left the state.
I'm talking about put the ribs in the oven,
set it to 45 minutes and then caught a plane
to go to a weekend somewhere else.
Just left the ribs.
This is amazing.
Only recently did we get to talk with Hans's father,
Hans on every single week,
and now we are finding out the roommate perspective
of Hans' Kim.
Now we know famously, Red Band has it right here
in front of me, this is my actual first time seeing it.
I've only heard of how he has a camel back water
hanging above his bed with the tubes
that he can lay in bed and just feed himself,
like some kind of fucking
Korean hamster or some shit like that. And it is absolutely unbelievable. I mean you have your
pillows or hanging out of the pillow case and you have the tag side of the pillow hanging out of
the hole. You know you're supposed to put that on the inside, Hans. So that's my girlfriend's bed.
Oh.
Wow, she should know this.
I used her bed as a thing.
So now everyone thinks that's my bed.
They're commenting about how poor I am.
Yeah.
It's the tag.
It does look very shitty.
There's like shit on the walls.
So it turns out your white girlfriend
is like one of the dirty whites.
I can say that, I'm a white guy.
I like to think of her.
Give me another raise, I'd have Derek say.
Okay, all right.
I don't think, maybe we were all thinking of something else.
She's a dirty white.
She's distracted, she's busy being hot and pretty,
and it's, I think, a lot of my job to clean up after her.
Really? Is that true?
Guy that leaves ribs and leaves state?
Yeah, I mean, I clean up her little whip-its, as she does.
I have come home before,
and there's just been a box of empty canisters.
Hold on a second, this is brand new.
This is unbelievable that we always find out something new about you.
How, your girlfriend has a serious whip at addiction?
Yeah, like I'll bring it up as a joke like yeah that's what the whip at queen would say
and she's like why'd you have to bring it up I have to go get Whippets now
it's fucked up.
Shit, does she do them every day?
No, she does them like when her friend is around her.
She has a specific friend that they do Whippets together?
Yeah.
Oh that's nice.
She's been on Kill Tony before, the friend.
Okay.
She's uh, she's ratchet. Okay. She's, uh, she's Ratchet.
Okay.
Very good.
She's the one that had the police thing around her ankle,
the ankle thing.
I kind of remember who gives a shit.
Okay.
I don't need to know his girlfriend's friend,
who gives a fuck.
All right.
So have you ever talked to your girlfriend about not hanging
out with this Ratchet Whippet Queen?
Uh, no.
I think she's pretty nice, you know?
I think Whippets are just what the kids are doing these days.
When you say the kids, how old is your girlfriend again?
25.
Very good. Very good.
Okay.
What does she like when she's on the Whippets?
Does she do anything in particular?
She's like, ah.
Does she ever do, make that noise when you're inside of her?
Never.
I had a feeling.
Ooh, whip it.
Ooh, whip it good.
All right.
I love it.
So she does a lot of whip-its, a box of empty canisters.
Oh, yeah, next to some chicken McNuggets.
That was... Oh, yeah, yeah, next to some chicken McNuggets. That was, that's what they had left us with.
Absolute trash.
Hey, what can I say?
I love America.
Hawn's amazing.
Every interview we find out more and more about you
are really, really good set.
Fun times tonight.
Hawn's Cam, everybody.
Thank you, Tony.
How about Hawn's Cam?
Make some bucket noise for Hans Kim everyone.
I pre-pull a name and I go to the name that we pulled before.
This is our first bucket pull of the night so essentially we meet these people together.
Sometimes they've been on before, we're all going to figure it out together.
The whole thing is crazy and improvised.
You guys ready for it? Make some noise for Camilo D.
Camilo or Camilo D.
I think crystal collecting is just rock collecting for bitches.
I think tarot cards are just poker night for dumb bitches.
I think astrology is stargazing for stupid ass bitches.
I don't know if you guys can tell by those jokes, but I'm a virgin.
At least I consider myself a virgin because I only fuck with white women? Oh! Because I know that as soon as I touch a Latina,
she's gonna have a litter of five.
And I can't jump another border.
Thank you.
Okay, 40 gay seconds from a Camillo D.
Unbelievable.
Oh, dude, I know what it's like, bro. Trust me, I get it, dude. Gain seconds from my canelo D. I'm unbelievable.
Oh dude, I know what it's like bro, trust me,
I get it dude, I get it bro.
It's happened to me a billion times.
Oh my God, you go by D because that's what you love?
Oh dude, that was a fucking Freudian slip.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
I feel like he just had a nightmare that you've had.
Yeah.
Ah.
You call it a nightmare.
That's a wet dream to me, man.
Ah.
Hey, yo, bitches be stupid.
Women retarded.
I be fucking dudes.
I mean women.
Fuckin' shit, man.
I fucked up, dude.
Yeah, that's not my nightmare, bro.
That's his nightmare with what's happened.
Ten-night, you're gonna wake up in the morning like,
fuck!
You were a fuckin' god-damn fuckin'
syllable away
from survival there.
You were a woo away. You were a fucking goddamn fucking syllable away
from survival there.
You were a woo away.
Woman.
Woman.
My second language, man.
Hey, yo, I be fuckin' dudes.
Oh shit, dude, I fuck the dude.
And dog, I said I was fuckin' dudes.
That's the only part anybody's gonna fucking remember, dog. Y'all, I said the fucking astrology's stupid,
crystals is stupid, and then I accidentally said I fucked dudes.
I fucked up, dog. I fucked up.
I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up.
Woo!
Is that Camilo, Camilo?
Camilo, yeah.
Camilo. Camilo D. How long have you been on stand-up?
Two years.
Two years. All of it here in Austin?
Yes, sir.
What do you do for work?
I'm an electrician.
Electrician? Hell yeah. You ever gone on a call and you go in somebody's place and it's a fucking
Just dude in his shorts
You don't remember me I do. I remember it well. I remember it well.
It was a magical moment. But his little rocket in my socket, you know what I mean?
The electricity was flowing.
Okay, Jesus Christ, right back.
You don't remember me?
And then I saved it, dude. I got the fucking guy.
Dudo is fucking huge, dude.
Like, at first, me being gay was bad,
and then I turned it around like I do with dudes.
I took the opportunity, and I fucked it in the ass.
All right.
How old are you, Camilo?
I'm about to turn 26.
26?
I'm about to turn 27.
I'm about to turn 27. I'm about to turn 27. How old are you Camilo Camilo turn 26 26 what do you do for fun in this crazy
world when you're not doing fun stand up soccer soccer yeah damn you are gay Yeah dude, I mean I suck at... I suck at...
So you like balls on your feet and your hands? It's great.
You like them on your face?
Hell yeah, absolutely.
I bet when you're hanging out with dudes it gets a little messy.
Soccer reference.
Shut up relax
All right, what else about you cameo? What would we be surprised to know about you?
I'm training for the half marathon here. No, you're training for the what half marathon. Okay. All right. Well, I'm running a lot drinking half a drink tonight
Fuck does that mean?
That's what I'm doing. Are you Why aren't you training for a real marathon?
That's too much.
Why don't you just do it and then finish half way, just stop, then brag to your friends
about how you did it?
That's a good idea.
Hell yeah, dude.
Absolutely.
So a half marathon, do they just give you like a fucking half a medal if you finish
that or something?
Like a half a trophy?
I could have a dick. Wait, what? Hold on. something like a half a trophy I have a dick
wait what?
hold on
now he's gay again I'm gonna leave it to the kids
damn gay again
so in the middle
what the fuck
look dude I was super gay
and then I flipped it on Dony and then I was gay again dude
it's like a trilogy
it's fucking return to the Jedi but it's Mimi and Gay dude
I fucking, I fucking fucked up again, dude.
All right.
I love it.
So what is your love life actually like when you're out there with the women?
Nothing right now is dead.
Nothing right now. It's dead.
Yeah.
You're fucking a dead chick.
Yeah.
Okay. But seriously, like the last time you were with a woman, you're 26, you're Latino,
I mean, you are ready to breed. So let's talk about it.
I'm a little late actually.
What?
I'm a little late on breeding.
You're a what?
Late.
Right. Yes, absolutely. Okay, so let's go to my question.
What's going on? Last time you got laid, what happened there? so let's go to my question.
What's going on?
Last time you got laid, what happened there?
What happened?
I don't know.
No, I'm kidding, man.
I know you're kidding.
I always know when you're joking because the room goes completely silent.
So, like, when was it?
About ballpark?
How long ago? years oh shit trace
basically our version yeah if a Latino goes two years or more without getting
laid they are a revergenized not a lot of people know that yeah okay when's the
last time you saw speaking of virgins when's the last time you saw Virgin
Mary and like toast or something like that. That happens to your people a lot. You're like, oh, she, God's talking to me or something.
Nice.
All right.
Maybe toast is in the right, and you're on your tortilla.
Tortilla, let me go.
Tostada.
Tostada, absolutely.
You've, Tostada's a couple dude salads
from what I understand.
All right, Kimmy O'Dee, here's a little joke book. Thank you, fun times, welcome.
There he goes, on to the next one.
Dude!
Dude, I fucked up dude.
There was that one good part.
I can hear you do that all night.
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Make some noise for your next comedian, ZZ, everyone.
ZZ.
You believe? Okay, come on, one more time for, ZZ everyone. ZZ. You believe?
Okay.
Come on, one more time for ZZ everyone.
Wow.
Wow.
What's up?
Okay, is the minute started?
Okay.
Hi.
I grew up in Iraq.
I moved to the US in 2017.
In my culture we have a saying, when you want someone to leave and never come back,
to throw seven rocks behind them.
Rocks. Rocks.
Now bombs. Rocks.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
No, seven, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
no, seven, not eight, seven.
So the day when I was moving,
I turned to my family and said,
demolish the house behind me.
Rumor has it they found weapon of mass destruction beneath it.
Well, no, this is bullshit.
I just turned 37.
Why are you fucking laughing?
I'm allowed to brag about turning 37.
I look fucking fly.
Yay!
My mom wants me to settle down
and like find a good guy and marry.
She doesn't know I live in Austin.
No, no, no.
There you go.
Easy everybody. Jesus Christ, no, that's not how it works easy. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. The man is talking Iraqi woman
No, that's not how the show works
You know better than anybody. I know your fucking father would never do
The only talk if I ask you a question.
No, stop talking.
Don't fucking stop.
You're going to ruin this for everybody,
like you did fucking our economy.
You Iraqi fucking people.
It's absolutely incredible.
Here's your hackiest joke ever.
You couldn't have bombed any harder,
but Iraqi people don't really bomb.
Turns out like the actual Iraqis.
Okay, very good.
That's great.
Don't talk.
Yes, sir.
Sure.
Like most Iraqis, you had no weapons
of destruction here tonight.
Absolutely incredible.
You suck at this.
How long have you been attempted?
Don't talk unless I ask you a question.
You're fucking unbearable.
Relax.
Only answer questions and answer them honestly, okay?
Sure.
How long have you been doing stand-up?
Three months.
Uh-huh.
All here in Austin, Texas?
Yeah.
This is where you live?
Yeah.
What do you do for a living?
I work at UTI. UTI? is that the only UT you know you look like it yeah I look like I have a
gover never talked infection ever called okay very good yes good one
you're never come back Zayson somebody throw a shoe at her? You're too often, you're too often.
What did you say?
Zizi, you are unbearable.
Stop talking.
Have you ever seen this show before?
No, only on YouTube shorts.
Right, okay.
All right.
No.
No.
You said to respond honestly, I am honest.
Zizi, you are unbearable.
Oh my God, what are you doing?
My mom would agree.
Okay, there she goes, Zizi everybody, you're the worst.
There you go, very good.
Never sign up again, you're unbearable.
No goodbye, no joke book, no nothing.
No words.
How about a big boo for Zizi everybody?
Come on, you can boo harder than that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
All right, got another bucket pool here.
Anything can happen.
Let's see, of a good,
we have this looks,
it seems like the name of a good old American girl, huh?
Makes the noise for Corinne Alia, everybody.
Here we go, Corinne Alia. Do you guys ever realize that God doesn't answer prayers
because he keeps killing all the wrong people?
Yeah, I figured that out recently because my dad is still alive.
Yeah, I have daddy issues in case you can't tell.
He didn't leave or anything.
I just fucking hate that guy.
You know?
But it's okay.
It's okay because he still follows me really close on OnlyFans.
Yeah, he'll leave comments under my stuff.
He'll be like, I miss you, sweetheart.
You have your mother's tits.
Please return my calls, love dad.
You guys, in case you guys didn't know this,
women in comedy aren't actually funny.
We're not.
It's because we aren't having the shit beat out of us
anymore, like the good old days.
You know?
At least the Middle East is doing one fucking thing, right?
Making women funny again.
That's it. Thanks. Fuck yeah. Karin, Aliyah.
That last joke would have hit a lot harder
if that Middle Eastern bitch didn't eat it right before you.
I gotta tell you.
You ruined you.
That was incredible.
They missed one.
There's one not getting beat hard enough out there.
That was amazing.
That was good.
Thank you.
Stop.
Corinne, Aliyah?
Yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
Have you been on this show before?
No, I've never been on. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on this show before? No, I've never been on.
Welcome, welcome.
How long have you been on stand-up?
Five months.
Five months.
All of it here in Austin?
Yes.
This is where you're from?
No.
Where are you from?
I'm originally from Louisiana.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
What's your ethnicity?
I am a weird ethnicity.
I'm actually Cajestani.
It's a word that my friend coined.
I'm actually half Pakistani and I'm half Cajun Stani. It's a word that my friend coined. I'm actually half Pakistani and I'm half Cajun.
Wow.
Yeah, my mom's family's from Louisiana
and my dad's Pakistani.
Wow, our son's heart is a rock.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pretty sure he wants to pack your Stani.
Yeah, dude.
I was gonna say that food must make you shit something fierce.
That's crazy dude.
Yeah.
That's so funny.
The old shrimp and hummus, you know what I mean?
The old fucking, the old fucking, alright.
There's not much you could do with Pakistani Cajun.
It's a hard combo.
So your mom is the Pakistani dad?
No, my dad.
OK.
And he found your white, like, Cajun mother?
Uh-huh.
In Louisiana, what does your dad do for a living?
I don't know.
I haven't talked to him in the very years.
How many years?
Like, five.
Really?
Five years not talking to your dad.
The last time you guys talked, what was the context of that? Like five. Really? Five years on talking to your dad. The last time you
guys talked, what was the context of that? What was that like? I don't even remember to be honest.
Okay, that doesn't make any sense.
Yes, his dad tried to fuck her is what Red Dancer is for.
Yeah.
For those of you that are in seventh grade and have an absolutely moronic sense of humor
doing a serious part of an interview.
So you said that you wanted your dad to be murdered in your 60 seconds and you're saying
that you haven't talked to him in years, but you don't remember any of the trauma that
he instilled upon you exactly?
Oh, he definitely did traumatize me as a child.
Let's talk about it.
Ha!
No, just like when I was growing up,
just emotionally just ignored me and was absent.
So he was a dad.
Yeah, yeah.
Good, good.
OK, how long have you lived in Austin?
I've moved here at the end of January.
And how's it going for you? How do you like it?
I really like it out here.
Yeah. What do you like to do? What do you do for fun?
Um, I fight.
You fight? I do Muay Thai.
Oh, shit. Okay.
There goes Red Band's chances of a successful rape. All right. Okay. Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
You do Muay Thai.
He does more Thai food than anybody else.
He does pad Thai.
Yeah. Those are the only pads. He does pad Thai. Yeah.
Those are the only pads.
Okay.
Very fun, Karin.
So what else is going on other than moi Thai?
What else do you do for fun?
Um, I'm pretty much...
When a girl like Karin wants to let her hair down,
that sweet, sweet, young Howard Stern
hair that you have.
Yeah. How do you do it?
Yeah, I look like Borat if you were trans.
Hell yeah.
All right.
But what else when you wanna get crazy?
Like what's a wild night for Carinalia?
I don't know, I don't go out,
I don't drink or party or anything like that,
like everybody else so.
Because your dad told you you better not.
Exactly.
Precisely.
All right.
What's your, dating somebody?
I am.
OK.
What does he do?
He's around.
He's, um.
My god.
Is it Michael Gonzalez?
No.
Holy shit. My god. he seems to be close.
Red Band, no.
Okay, so that's off limits, it seems.
It's still pretty new, so.
Okay, alright.
Okay, you've seen the show before.
What else do you think is an interesting thing that you could talk about right now
that before we let you go that we've done?
Yeah, yeah, something really interesting about me.
Or anything that's ever happened in your life
may be that you almost died or saved somebody's life.
Yeah, I actually lost my virginity to a pedophile.
Amazing.
You're dead.
Raiden.
No, not my dad.
Not my dad.
No. Okay, this is great. This is exactly the type of interview I love.
Things just took a turn here. So, when you say you lost your virginity to a pedophile,
what do you mean exactly? Go ahead.
He was my church pastor at the time.
Wow. How old were you?
16. Go on to 17.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Hell yeah.
How old was he?
He was at least in his 30s.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, God. It just took another turn.
A lot of these interviews go from like hero to villain to fucking...
Okay, that's kind of depressing. A lot of these interviews go from like hero to villain to fucking
Okay, that's kind of depressing. Is he in jail now? He did go to jail, right?
He got out. I don't know what I have no clue what happened to him after yeah, usually it was like a Catholic Church
Surprisingly, no. What kind was it non-denominational?
Hippies Catholic Church? Surprisingly no. What kind was it? Non-denominational. Ah, hippies.
Ah, that one.
We all know how we feel about those non-denominational.
You know what I mean?
Right, but it's a church, so they probably hired them right back afterwards.
Let's face it.
Probably.
Okay.
And how did that make you, was that traumatizing for you?
Yeah, significantly.
Did your dad make you feel bad about it?
Did he find out about it?
He doesn't know about it.
Oh, OK.
Do you think your dad's going to watch this set?
I don't know.
I don't know if he's in the comedy.
Stand comedy, one of those things.
Do you sometimes think about your dad
when you think about getting good at this and getting better
and perhaps being, you know, how old are you?
25.
Right.
So you're starting young. You have a lot of time to get really good at this. are you? 25. Right, so you're starting young,
you have a lot of time to get really good at this.
Is your dad one of those things where you're like,
I'm gonna fucking show him this stupid asshole
Pakistani piece of shit?
Yeah.
You think about this, right?
Yeah.
Because that's a thing, you know,
we don't really talk about that,
but when you're starting, there's people, you know,
like maybe a girl that broke your heart or the dad that wasn't in your life or teachers that did this, there's like images in, but when you're starting, there's people, like maybe a girl that broke your heart
or the dad that wasn't in your life or teachers that did this.
There's images in your head where you're like,
I'm gonna fucking show these people.
But your dad's your number one?
Pretty much.
I write a lot of jokes about it, and I think it's funny.
You close with your mom?
Yeah.
And do you talk with her?
Is she still with your dad?
No.
Okay, how long ago did they separate?
Like when I was very, very little. Right. And I live with my mom most of my life.
And always in your mom just talk shit about him. Yes. And she's seen several of
my sets and she's she laughs. She thinks it's funny. I love it. That's great to
have a supportive mom. Absolutely. So he Pakistan ate his bags and left. Right. Hell yeah. Just left a little trail of sand right out the door.
Absolutely.
Hell yeah.
All right.
Well, amazing, amazing stuff for a great interview.
Thanks.
Here, have a big joke book.
Have one of these.
It's for your files.
Put it in your files.
Put it in your files.
Your pedophiles.
Ah la la la la.
Ah la la la la.
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Hold another name out of the but you guys having fun out there.
Make some noise for our next bucket full Spencer Michael ladies and gentlemen Spencer Michael.
Here we go.
60 seconds uninterrupt, her Spencer Michael.
My wife says that I can be emotionally insensitive.
Like the other day she calls me up and she goes, honey I've got some terrible news.
Uncle Dave was in a car accident, they had to cut him out.
It's really bad.
I'm like, oh my god, Uncle Dave, is he okay?
She goes, we don't know.
Well what happened?
She goes, we don't know.
Like, well how'd you find out? She goes, we don't know. Well, what happened? She goes, we don't know. Like, well, how'd you find out?
She goes, well, his daughter called us.
His daughter, baby, my uncle Dave is gay.
He doesn't have a, oh, do you mean your uncle Dave?
Shit, baby, why didn't you say that? I was worried.
Anyway, he's dead now, so it doesn't matter.
But, so I can be worried though,
like when my mom got breast cancer a few years ago,
I was terrified. But she ended up being okay. She had a double mastectomy though. And I didn't know
this, but part of the process of the reconstruction is they suck out some of that tummy fat,
and they pop it up top, create two new boobs. She thought it was cool because she got a boob job
and a tummy tuck at the same time. I thought it was cool, because now it's not that weird when I check out her tits.
It's just her fucking stomach.
Thank you all.
All right. Spencer Michael.
This is your first time on the show, right?
It is. It is.
Has anybody ever told you that you look like
if someone sucked all of the blood out of Anthony Jezelnik?
You'd be the first, Tony. There you go. Welcome. Welcome. Indeed. look like if someone sucked all of the blood out of Anthony Jezelnik?
You'd be the first Tony.
There you go. Welcome. Welcome. Indeed. Spencer, you're wearing the lucky Italian pepper there.
I am. Yes, I'm not that Italian myself, but I married into
basically a mob family. So okay, is that where you got the
jacket, the t-shirt, the pants?
The whole thing now. Yeah, absolutely. If I don't look the
part I stand out. How old are you?
I'm 28.
You're only 28.
You got married.
How long were you with this girl?
I've been with her for 10 years now.
I've married for five years.
10 years.
So you were 18.
18 years old.
Is that the girl that you lost her virginity to?
No.
Oh, does she know that?
Yes, she does.
Were you the guy that she lost her virginity to?
Yes, I was. Just? Yes, she does. Were you the guy that she lost her virginity to? Yes, I was.
Just me, no one else.
You believe that?
You are not the godfather.
All right, Spencer, how long have you been doing stand up?
Stand up for about a month now.
Okay, only a month, adorable.
You started here in Austin, this is where you live?
Yep, that's correct.
Okay, what do you do for work?
I market pharmaceutical drugs.
Oh, wow, what a piece of shit you are.
Oh yeah, the old Pfizer miser.
Absolutely, yeah. Who got the jab, everybody?
It's like a young...
Yeah, good!
No, they're not here because they died, you faggot.
He's like a young Bushimi.
It looks like the slaw from I Say, that's what he looked like.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. D-Mandness is going to watch Ice Age real quick.
It's going to be a high five.
He's like, I don't get it.
Show me that shit real quick.
Let me feel the...
All right.
Okay.
So you're 28 years old.
You've been in the same relationship for 10 years.
One month in a stand-up.
What made you want to start stand-up?
It's a little bit more fun than in the same relationship for 10 years, one month in a stand-up, what made you want to start stand-up?
It's a little bit more fun than marketing drugs for the bad guys, so...
Well yeah, but you still have to do that to make a living.
Exactly, I do, I got a kid now, so I can't walk away from it too quickly.
So what exactly do you do?
I'm on the relationship side, so basically I'm just a friendly voice on the other side
of the phone, so that the company that I work for can market more and more drugs for the people that make them
so
The company that you not making friends I can tell it's hard. You're advertising that the drugs by the huge
Pharmaceutical companies are good basically and you're coming up with ideas for that or you're really just the relation really just on the relation side
I'll give them some ideas, but I'm not.
Like, well, what's one of your ideas
that you've given a pharmaceutical company?
Oh, that's so cool.
That means me.
I mean, I have a couple I signed an NDA for,
but one was to show more diversity.
They really seem to like that one a lot.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's you causing that, huh?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Gotta have a mix of kind of black or white and at least one woman, and you'll be able to
sell us some drugs.
Wow.
Incredible.
You're the scum of the earth.
Now you sound like my mom.
Okay.
Anyway, the girl you're with is Italian.
What do you notice about Italian culture that you're not used to?
What are some things that stand out to you?
Got to give them more room to talk.
You can't stand too close.
You're going to get smacked in the head.
That's a pretty big one.
That's true.
You get that a lot.
She's got like three uncles that aren't related to her.
So that was weird for me.
She's got like Uncle Tony, Andy, and Vinny.
Yep.
They're cool guys, but yeah, they're not blood related at all.
That is true.
A fun fact is that Italians have uncles,
black people have cousins.
Uh, look at this, you keep them track.
It is a cultural thing.
Don't ask too many questions.
I might get slammed, you know what I mean?
Yeah, I bet they bully you a lot.
You have a vitamin D deficiency.
That's the first time hearing of it.
Have you, uh, did you get vaccinated yourself?
I don't normally, I mean, they fucking everybody the fucking cow.
They got political, the devil's in Tony move to Texas.
They think it's, they think it's, they're putting the chicken after the egg or something like that.
I moved here because of this.
I did, I did regret it, but I did get it.
Did you get a booster?
I did get a booster too.
Did you get two boosters?
Just the one, I came to my senses a little bit later. Just the one, how did it make. Yeah. Did you get a booster? I did get a booster too. Did you get two boosters? Just the one.
I came to my senses a little bit later.
How did it make you feel?
Did you feel good?
You got COVID immediately afterwards?
Oh, immediately.
It was like three months later.
Yeah, it's almost crazy.
It really came down.
Yeah.
How did it treat you, though?
You must have been, since you were vaccinated,
you must have been just done with it immediately.
Not at all.
It was like three weeks.
It was coughing up.
Three weeks after being vaccinated.
It's amazing because it's so safe and effective.
Yeah, it was amazing.
Right.
I mean, it's crazy because you see all the stats and everything that the big companies
pay for, but it almost seems like fucking anybody you talk to in real life has the same
fucking story.
It's kind of crazy, right?
Absolutely.
And I haven't...
And you sling that as a profession.
Similar shit, but yeah.
You sleep at night.
Not well.
Right.
Very good.
Just making sure.
Now I like you.
Very good.
Way to own it.
Okay, so Spencer, what do you do for fun?
I play music.
I'm a drummer.
Really?
You're a drummer?
Oh, well, well, well.
I got news for you, my friend.
I don't know if you know this.
Are you a fan of the show?
Yeah.
You know how this works?
What?
We have a historical segment called a Mexican drum off ladies and gentlemen, where you have
a chance right now, even though you're only a month into comedy and we don't even know
your drum skills whatsoever, but for the sake of history, we have a segment where you can
become the full-time drummer of the show.
If you beat Michael Gonzalez in a drum solo battle, which the audience, not even us, can't even make it up.
But you guys get to decide who the better drummer was on this night.
And if you win, you're the new full-time drummer.
You get to leave your job as a piece of shit big drunk big drug company fucking advertising
relations guy and you get to be the new drummer on Kiltoni every single episode
we're talking fucking arenas we have arenas arenas we're an arena act you
could be in arenas with your fucking Italian Halloween costume just live in
your dreams.
And by the way, how it works is Michael Gonzalez
would have to become a drug slinging guy,
and he would be fucking your ultra Italian wife.
That's another thing.
You have to completely switch lives.
So ladies and gentlemen, this will be a drum solo.
Get back there.
This is Spencer Michael.
It's been a long time since we've had one of these.
Very controversial, this segment,
because a lot of people have said in the past
that this or that, that people have done good or bad,
but we're gonna find out.
Spencer, how do you feel back there?
You confident?
You feel good?
All right, here we go.
This is a Mexican drum off.
This is Spencer Michael, everybody. confident you feel good all right here we go this is a Mexican drum off this is
Spencer Michael everybody Alright, put a ribbon on it, Michael.
Bring it home.
That's your big finishing move there?
Alright, come on, Michael.
Play the fucking drums.
I could beat you right now, but I'm not going to.
I'm not going to.
No, I'm not going to.
Ladies and gentlemen, defending is thrown.
Michael Gonzalez, everybody.
You know I would, but I'm not going to do that.
I want to be entertained.
This is Michael's thrown. Michael's job to lose.
This is Michael Gonzalez. Music I'm not sure if you can hear me.さらに、この曲の曲は、この曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲の曲 Wow. Jesus Louise. A brutal murder is taking place here today. Yeah, good job dude. Spencer, Michael, how do you feel like that went?
Oh, I think I know who won.
It was pretty good.
I think I know who won.
I think I know who won.
I think I know who won.
I think I know who won.
I think I know who won.
I think I know who won.
I think I know who won. I think I know who won. Yeah, good job, dude. Spencer, Michael, how do you feel like that went?
Oh, I think I know who won. It was pretty fucking obvious.
How many of you have Spencer Michael winning and being the new full-time drummer of Kill Tony?
I agree, dude. Come on.
There's one retard in the room.
How many of you have Michael Gonzalez keeping his job?
How many of you have Michael Gonzalez keeping his job? You tried, Spencer. You gave it your all.
Was on?
It was just nice to see the pharmaceutical drug pusher get his shit kicked in.
That was nice.
Bro, I felt like Michael did that for America.
That's how it happened.
For sure.
God bless you, Michael.
For sure.
But my friend, since your drum solo was solo energy, I'm gonna give you some
energy plus caffeine toothpicks from our friends over at Zipix. And here, my friend, is indeed a
month in, a little joke book for you to get started. You're gonna give Michael his drum sticks back?
You're gonna let him keep them? Oh, you got a souvenir. You'll always remember the night you got fucking absolutely demolished.
Hell yeah.
Have a great night.
Spencer Michael, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow.
Makeup wipes, we're done.
You promised me so much.
Late nights, quick fixes.
It sounded great, but you always left a mess.
Honestly, you're straight up irritating.
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All right, we're going to keep it moving here.
Make some noise for your next bucket.
60 seconds uninterrupted for Blake Alexander.
Make some noise, everybody.
Blake Alexander.
These people wait all night for this.
Make some noise for Blake Alexander. Hey, hey, I appreciate you.
Nice to see you.
Family dynamics are interesting.
Mom and dad are very different creatures.
If you really piss mom off, she might ground you
or go cry in her room.
If you really piss dad off, he might kill the whole family.
What Michael Jackson did to those kids is bad.
But wouldn't it be so much worse to get molested
by some nobody?
I don't know about you folks, but I would let Caitlyn Jenner go down on me.
I would, for sure. Because then I would have bragging rights
for the rest of my life.
Like, oh, yeah?
Well, I got head from one of the Jenner girls.
People would be like, really?
Which one?
Ah, don't worry about it.
I'm pretty sure it's the other one.
I'm pretty sure it's the other one.
I'm pretty sure it's the other Nah. Don't worry about it.
I appreciate you.
Thank you, folks.
There you go.
Okay, Blake Alexander.
Solid set.
How's it going, Blake?
Doing wonderful, brother.
First time on the show?
Second time.
Okay.
Welcome back.
How long have you been on stand-up?
Four years.
All of it here in Texas?
No, I started in Colorado, like right around the beginning of the pandemic.
How long have you been in Austin?
About two years now, coming up. Okay, what do you do for a living?
I'm a bartender on 6th Street.
Bartender on 6th Street, okay.
Starting to remember that.
West 6th or this side of 6th?
This side of 6th.
Interesting.
Well, little well, two put together to be on this side of 6th Street.
Hell yeah.
I creep.
I'm a degenerate. Okay, tell us more about that. Well, two put together to be on this side of 6th Street. Hell yeah. I creep.
I'm a degenerate.
OK, tell us more about that.
Yeah, I mean, I got sober, recent five months sober
of alcohol, so that was, you know, beer's big for me.
Definitely like, I appreciate you, of course.
Not projecting, please.
Everyone drink.
Enjoy it.
If you can't enjoy it, please do.
Like, again, having a couple cocktails,
what a beautiful part of life if you can do that and not also almost kill yourself on a monthly weekly basis?
How terrible did your drinking get? I mean at a level a
Lot of crazy yeah, just a lot of crazy. I'm completely black out give us a quantity like when would you start?
What would you drink? I would just... I go into the plan. I'm like, yeah, maybe have a couple shots and you know,
and then, but mostly kind of just keep the beers and keep the like individual drink cocktails.
But once I get a couple shots and it's like the demon, just, you know...
And what types of things would happen when the demon...
Yeah, so I like to... Yeah, I would do like, again, I would love to get sex work.
Yeah, like...
You would order prostitutes.
Well, I didn't like You would order prostitutes.
Well, I didn't like actually fucking the prostitutes.
That made me feel dirty.
So I had to...
What the fuck?
What kind of blackout drunk are you, dude?
Yo!
Hey, yo, get over here.
I want to talk with you.
That fucking dad was so mean to me.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I definitely went there probably a couple of dozen times, or maybe a dozen or something. My fucking dad was so mean to me. Ugh. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
No, I definitely went there probably a couple dozen times or maybe a dozen or something.
But I really settled on massage and a hand job.
That's like for me the sweet spot.
Uh-huh.
Like a legit massage?
Yeah.
I mean, that's what's amazing about the service that exists.
Asian massage parlors, but also private dealers online.
It's unbelievable. Just an hour massage.
I would recommend everyone.
It encourage everyone.
So an hour long full body massage.
Just get a massage for your own healthcare
and you'll feel amazing.
Thank you.
Yes, we all get our advice
from dirty six street bartenders.
Thank you.
Hey, massage is self care.
That's objective.
Right.
Getting massages is good for mental health.
Thank you.
No, again, you'll feel good. But, um, hand job is the greatest thing to top off a massage.
You know you can do that to yourself.
I prefer not. I've had plenty of experience with that.
I've enjoyed the novelty.
Has anyone ever given you a better hand job than you?
Never.
An old Asian woman at a massage parlor.
Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, dawg. I get you. I get you.
I'm alone out here. Wow. It's like not even close.
So like, my bro is like not even close. There, the Usain Boltz are giving hand jobs, dawg.
You don't even know. Damn, that is so interesting.
You can't give yourself a four-hand handjob.
A four-hand handjob?
Yeah, at a level.
Two girls.
You're just like staying an upside down.
Two girls.
You're just two girls in the room, like, at a level.
There's just fun little creations.
Four hands at once.
Yeah, yeah.
I remember working the balls, again, stimulating.
It seems like there's more than just that going on.
I don't think you have the dick that would take four hands.
No, I mean, I'm not literally saying I have a four hand dick.
So what do you have?
Is someone rubbing your thigh or something like that?
There's two balls.
So they have one hand on each ball?
Is that what you're implying?
I mean, they get creative.
They literally try to suck on the nipples.
I'm like, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, don't do that.
You're not my girlfriend.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm blacked out drunk.
Stay away from these nips. Oh, bro. No, no, don't do that. Like you're not my girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm blacked out drunk. Stay away from these nips.
Yeah, bro.
No, no, no.
I'm paying you.
I make the rules.
That's an amazing thing, though, at a level.
The sure thing of it.
That's what goes kind of addicting.
Other than sucking on the nips, what else
have they tried to do that you've sucked them?
They try to suck.
They try to escalate.
And you don't want that.
I go, no.
No.
No respectfully.
No.
No mouth.
No mouth.
No. Handle me. So they understand. no respectfully. No mouth. No mouth. No.
No.
Hand only.
Hand only.
Yeah.
Why is that?
Why would you...
Teeth are what?
Riding out of their mouth.
Oh, geez.
They're...
These are...
No, not all of them.
These are low budget.
The one that tried to blow me, again, if she had a nice set of teeth, it might have been
a different story.
Wow.
He's just poor.
Yeah.
How much were you paying for these?
I have an only, it's not only these gross like mangled women.
There's again, there's a range.
There's before, before I quit drinking,
kind of why I quit drinking part of it was I went signed up
for two open mics and then got like blackout drunk
and then ended up going and again, this Brazilian private,
private, you know, not, you don't go to the salon.
Yeah. Did you give her a, you know. Ah-ha. You don't go to a salon.
Yeah, did you give her a hand job?
Those Brazilians are wild.
The opportunity to present itself, I may have.
But no, she was a real woman.
And um...
In call or out call?
In call.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and she...
Yeah, so they call it's amazing.
It's a beautiful thing not to blow up their, you know...
All the dirt balls were wondering.
In call or out call. Yeah, no, it All the dirt balls were wondering and call our alcohol.
Yeah, no, it was a very comfortable in-call. Airbnb, SAFE, but I had trouble with you.
It was this horrible thing like, they're so beautiful. It's unbelievable almost how beautiful they are.
And I'm like, wow, you're really doing this?
No, again, I'm not very...
You were drunk.
No, no, no. You see the pictures when you, you know, if you do your research, you're doing sober research,
drunk integration, drunk execution.
So have you gotten one of these girls
since you've been sober?
No, no.
Even though the pictures of them are so beautiful.
No, trust me, I still stand by a couple of these.
Quote unbelievable.
A couple?
One could not believe how beautiful these available women
are to come over and give a hand job for the price
I would say unbelievable. It would you know for what was the price?
What's the price of a Brazilian who's worth a 30 minute 150? What's the price of an Asian for an hour?
What so it's the price of an Asian for an hour. Oh?
120 for massage plus a hand. What's the price for a nation for a half an hour? I?
Didn't go I was I was indulgent. I always go the 60 minute.
You always go with the 60 minute. I like the massage.
I love the massage.
It's a 60 minute 120, but 30 minute hand job from a Brazilian 150.
And she's, I'm 10.
And they don't do massages. They'll just straight to the dick.
They will not rub a shoulder.
And they, for 30 minutes they give you like 10 minutes of a shoulder massage.
So it's like, yeah, it's pretty much right to business.
But again, it's still kind of cute. Yeah. All right. By the way, the
massages he's talking about his price range are not real massages. Just a girl
doing this to your
I don't even like you. We're here for business purposes only. I'm a loyal,
loyal boy. That's all this is. All right. So Blake, anything else crazy? We'd be surprised to know about you last time you were on the show you probably weren't sober right?
This is why I don't recognize you you're like one of those dogs that were like got rescued and like you're all like cleaned up now
Like a different shade and shape and everything. Yeah, maybe a little bit definitely probably a little bit healthier, but uh
Yeah, no, I mean I'm'm chilling I'm yeah less less crazy sex work and addiction and waking up you know 4am at
a random gas station you know lost phone and shit so yeah trying to live trying
to enjoy this miracle of life and last time you got a little joke book no I
got a big joke okay well there you there you go. Enjoy it. Keep it going. Blake Alexander everybody. I appreciate you.
Have a good night, I love you all.
Thank you.
We're flying through them tonight.
Another bucket pool, we're flying through them.
Make some noise for Samantha Blumenthal everybody.
Samantha Blumenthal.
There we go.
There we go.
Good night.
Hey guys, I was a rhythmic gymnast for 12 years. Just wanted to show you that.
Case anything I say, bombs, you still know I'm talented.
Thank you.
Last night, this guy told me I had a resting astrology face.
And I don't get it. Guys just think that I just kind of like know everything
about zodiac signs and crystals.
I don't understand.
You know, I don't know things about that,
but I do believe in minerals.
Mineral fucking dumb.
Ha ha.
I'm so sorry. I think this is because of my dad. When I was growing up, my dad fucked my best friend, Diana Ray.
Yeah, you can look her up on Facebook.
She's really fucking hot.
I want to be really clear.
I love my dad, and he's not a pedophile.
No, no.
It's worse.
He's a bar mit. No, no.
It's worse.
He's a bar mitzvah DJ.
Yeah.
My friends tell me all the time,
they're like, Sam, you have daddy issues.
I'm like, how do I have daddy issues?
I don't even fucking talk to him.
Thank you.
There you go, Samantha Bloominthal doing all of her time.
Hello, how are you?
I'm doing well, how are you?
Great, how long have you been doing stand-up?
Two months.
Two months.
Yeah.
Okay.
Thanks, yeah.
Very fun.
Thank you.
Resting astrology, men are all dumb.
I don't know if you know this, but we found out earlier that women that are into astrology
and stuff are fucking dumb bitches.
According to a Mexican gay guy that was on earlier.
Okay.
So you're two months in, you live here in Austin?
I do live in Austin, yeah.
I moved here four and a half years ago.
From?
Chicago.
Chicago, absolutely good move.
Get out of there.
Especially this time of the year, an absolutely miserable fucking place, especially for a
little Jewish girl.
Thank you, yeah.
Oh, it's so cold, I can't even walk. Right? Well, come here. Okay I'll be honest I
have an autoimmune condition and now I'm gonna send an autoimmune condition.
Okay. It's called cold urticaria. Ooh. So I get hives.
Urticaria isn't that one of your cousins? Okay. Sorry sorry, it's because you're black.
All right, go ahead.
I get hives in really cold temperatures,
so that's why I moved to Austin.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Well, we're gonna see those hives
when Red Band puts you in his freezer tonight.
Okay, Samantha, what do you do for work?
I'm a dietitian.
I help people heal their relationship
with food and body image.
Let's talk about that.
What are some ways that you can heal a relationship
with food and body image?
Well, you know.
What are some of your secrets?
I think one of the biggest things that I help with
is kind of navigating emotional eating.
So any emotional eaters out in the crowd.
You listening to this?
This is your part.
Not an emotional eater, Tony.
She could save your life. This is your chance to really turn things around.
Yeah. It's your playing that for you. No,
we'll go over here. Keep it up. Keep it up. Keep it up.
We'll lean over here. Let's listen to her. Put the mic down.
Let's just listen to her. Go ahead. Keep that up.
So if you feel that you're eating from an emotional place,
there's two questions we can ask ourselves.
The first one, what am I feeling?
The second, what do I need?
Right.
Because we only know what we need
when we know how we feel.
New material and lower ceilings.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Woo! Everybody hates so much tonight because he's so bad.
He's a little piggy.
Oh, we got a little piggy on the soundboard tonight.
All right.
I like that and you've been able to help people.
Yes, I have. You're good at it? I am good. I just quit my job though. I was that and you've been able to help people. Yes, I have, yeah.
You're good at it?
I am good.
I just quit my job though.
I was there for four and a half years.
You don't do that now.
I don't do it anymore.
You got sick of those fat sad fox.
Yes, I did, yeah.
Enough is enough.
Yeah, I'll be working as a dietitian again somewhere else,
but I have three months before I start that.
In-call, out-call, what are we talking about?
Red band.
Red band.
In call, out call, what are we talking about? Red band.
Red band.
Red band.
You're being a naughty boy, Red band.
Okay.
What do your parents know that you're doing this?
Your Jewish parents still together?
No, they're not.
I mean, my dad fucked my friend.
Oh, wow.
That is interesting.
Yeah. Usually Jewish fathers are very centered balanced.
How do you think that went down?
Do you know why they ended up fucking?
Do you know, like, was your friend like a little dirty slut?
She was a dirty little whore.
How old was she when she fucked her dad?
Yeah, there was more to that.
She of age?
She was 19 years old, so yeah. Yeah, your dad was patient to that. She of age? She was 19 years old. Right, right. Yeah, your dad was patient.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would imagine.
I mean, you don't just start liking your daughter's
best friend at 19.
You're kind of eyeballing him at the pool a little bit.
You're slipping slide.
Hey.
You better fix yourself.
Floody's sliding off.
Let me help you there.
Did DJ her bat mitzvah?
So she was a bar mitzvah, she was one of his dancers.
She was what?
So make some noise if you've been to a bar mitzvah.
Okay, what are we doing here?
Okay, sorry.
Let's just get into it, answer my question.
I'm so sorry.
Make some noise if you've done some yiddish.
Shit.
What the fuck?
Come on, stick with the thing here.
Make some noise if you like saving money.
Make some noise if you like over retaliating in a war
with a barely a competitor.
Who loves destroying civilian life?
Makes a noise!
Oh yeah. You're in a little truth chamber tonight.
Yeah, no, I feel that. I feel that.
Oh God. Oh God.
Oh God. Oh God. Oh, geez.
Got again. We love our sponsors.
We love our sponsors.
Oh, Billy.
It's all jokes. It's a comedy show.
Jewish people would never do any of those things.
It's a clown horn.
All right.
You guys would never do that to Palestine.
All right.
I think there's, I mean, there's like, there's more interesting things about me than my dad.
No, it's cool. Let's stick with your dad.
Okay.
Stick with your dad fucking your best friend. You brought it up. Party your minute. I'm just doing my job here. We can get to those other
interesting things. You're a great interview. You're very present. Unbelievable for two months in.
I'm serious. Thank you. You're fucking great. Thank you. But let's get back to the dad for a
little bit. And we'll find out more about you. So what did you leave out of the story? What I leave out of the story, well, I mean, it was like, you technically are a woman once you turn 13.
She was 19, so Mazel tov dad.
She's basically a fucking cougar at that point.
Right, exactly.
A juger.
Yeah, a juger.
A jack wire, I don't know.
Yeah.
Wait, fake. know. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. or out call. All right.
Okay, here we go.
For those of you just listening to the podcast,
she is on our hands.
Holy shit.
She is.
Oh my goodness.
That is incredible.
Wow.
Unbelievable.
Oh my God.
I saw our moxow anderballs.
Would you like to go in?
I was on our national team when I was in seventh grade.
I love that.
I love that.
That is incredible.
Thank you.
You have to like stretch a lot for that?
I do, yeah.
I stretch a lot for that.
I was, I mean I stopped.
I have like pretty bad back problems,
but obviously, but actually, I've heard...
Oh, you have red band, also has back problems.
My back!
You're basically a contortionist, red band.
Yeah, I can, uh...
Yeah, he can sit at a 90 degree angle or laid out. It's unbelievable the fucking range on
this guy.
Sleeping or eating?
That's right. That's right.
Unbelievable.
So let me ask you this because this is what every dude is slinking in the room right now.
Dude is what's the craziest contortion position you've ever had sex in?
Has anyone ever fucked you like whatever that was like froggy style or whatever the
fuck.
I don't know.
I get pretty tired.
I just like laying on my back.
Jewish girl.
Yeah.
Come on.
That's a fucking Jewish girl.
She's more Jewish than contortionist.
All the guys that saw her contort that are like,
fucking I'm gonna fucking do some crazy shit with that one.
She's like, are you done yet?
Are you done yet?
So I tried to do crazy shit with my ex,
but I found out that he was cheating on me.
I saw videos on his computer.
He was sucking dick while wearing my clothes.
No way.
Oh, my God.
That's why I started stand-up.
That's crazy.
I don't remember dating you at all.
Yeah.
Just kidding.
I'm not gay at all.
Wow.
So what were you doing on his computer?
I was, that was the first time I've ever snooped
because my intuition was screaming at me.
Ooh, hell yeah.
Yeah, and I opened up his computer
and it was in a file labeled Suss.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, this is such a great interview.
Thank you.
That is unbelievable.
Yeah, it was really traumatic.
And, and...
Sauce?
I guess, sauce.
Sauce.
S-U-S, yeah.
It really said that?
Yeah, and I didn't even have to open anything.
Like, I opened the computer and it was just up.
Like, you know when like you have like a virus
and it's just like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
It was just like video of him sucking dick,
video, video, video, video, video.
And I'm like, holy fucking shit,
you suck dick better than I do.
Right, obviously Jewish girl.
Jewish when we're known for that.
What types of articles, the clothing of yours
was he wearing?
Just like a few of my favorite shirts, like pants like this.
Right, like girly stuff.
Girly stuff, you know, and I don't want to like shame his kinks, but like he fucking cheated on me, you know?
And it's like, fuck that. It's okay, I'm over it.
Right, that's amazing. Do you think you're a little bit perhaps? Perhaps proved like we were not satisfying him or I mean it seems like he's pretty much gay though
I just didn't have a dick, you know, right? So is he like happily gay now? I don't know. Is he out of your closet?
That's a smart smart and funny that checks all the fucking boxes
He came out of your closet.
That's great.
Unbelievable.
Who writes this shit?
Okay.
But is he like totally gay now?
I have no idea.
Like I had to just disconnect myself from that.
Yeah, for myself, you know.
Right.
Did you at least send yourself the videos?
Oh, I have.
I recorded it because I'm like if he gets home
And I'm like what the fuck is this and he's like I don't know what you're fucking talking about
I'd be like well look you know right I still have it
masturbate to it. Yeah, I masturbate to it every night, you know. Yeah
No, I don't
Right, so if you move have you been with another man since that happened? I have yeah, okay
Are you currently in a relationship?
I am not.
Right, so you're just dating?
I'm just, yeah.
Is it mostly just Jewish guys?
Was he a Jewish guy?
No.
What was he?
Not religious.
Just a goi.
Yeah, he was Mexican and Egyptian.
Oh, wow.
Mexican and Egyptian, two different types of brown.
Yeah.
And brown is what he was into.
Yeah, yeah.
The assholes of men.
Exactly.
I saw that, yeah.
All right.
Well, an amazing, amazing time.
I'm going to give you a big joke book, which
is almost unprecedented for two months in,
but you're a fucking great interview.
Fun times.
There you go. Absolutely.
There she goes.
Samantha Blumenthal.
Yeah.
OK, another another bucket pool.
We're getting through it tonight.
Make some noise for Holden Dishazo.
Holden Dishazo or perhaps Dishazza.
Oh, man!
Oh, man!
Yo, what's up?
Hey!
If I look young up here, y'all are all correct.
I'm 16
Yeah, yeah, I was born 16 years ago and I haven't been in pussy since
You know
This is my first time doing comedy though the first time I did it
It was in front of a crowd of like 14 15 people
Which was cool to be doing stand-up much less in front of the same size crowd as the WNBA playoffs.
Know what I mean?
My mom actually said she was gonna wash my mouth out with soap for like saying all these bad words and stuff.
Like, I don't know who she thinks she's talking to. You know what I mean?
Cause I'm Gen Z.
We did the fucking Tide Pod Challenge, you know what I mean?
Like dial soaping and do shit. That's like giving an opioid addict Tylenol. Like that shit just doesn't work out. You know what I mean like dial soaping and do shit that's like giving an opioid addict Tylenol like that shit just doesn't work out you know
what I mean actually speaking of drugs I did get busted for smoking weed recently
it's weird I got caught though I ran out of weed and I did what any 16 year old
do I went to my mom's room top drawer and dresser I busted in the hearstash
weed I smoked all of it and I I only got caught when we realized we had the same dealer, and we both left disappointed
because my grandma sold all of it.
Thank you guys, that's my time.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
This is unbelievable.
You're a very, very, very, very, very funny 16-year-old.
That's incredible.
Appreciate it.
16.
Yes, sir.
For real. Yeah. Unbelievable.
I'm not faking like Heath Court is unreal. No, he's real. He's real. I checked that motherfucker's
ID night one. I did not believe it. But no, he is 21 and looks younger than you. It is crazy.
It's crazy. So wow, how long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be a year this month.
And you do a lot of it?
You put a lot of work into it?
Yes, sir.
I've been doing a lot of open mics.
I'm from Houston.
So...
That's where you live?
Yes, sir.
I've been hitting up Secret Group, all that stuff.
I love it.
I love it.
We love it over there.
We love everything about Houston.
It's a very, very, very fun place.
So, a year in stand-up and you're still in high school
I'm actually homeschooled now
Okay, yeah, all right
To do this, you know, it's everybody that just drops out of school. Did they just say they're homeschooled?
Is that like a thing? I mean, I don't do a lot of school for homeschool, but I mean there's a lot less school shootings
So that's good. That true that is true people like you staying at home just home shootings
yeah that's it so this is absolutely incredible 16 years old you have a
definitive punchline setups is this something you've always wanted to do
what made you want to start doing this a year ago? It was weird. So like, September last year,
I went to go see Bill Burr at Toyota Center.
Yeah, shout out Bill Burr, hell yeah.
Fuck yeah.
And I was like, man, that's cool, I could do this.
Yeah.
And I was like.
That's exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's exactly how I felt
when Dean Cook's Vicious Circle came out.
Oh yeah.
2004.
Tell us about it. Exactly how I felt when Dean Cook's vicious circle came out. Oh yeah. 2004. Yeah.
Tell us about it.
So then you start, you go to your first open mic.
Yeah.
15?
I was 15.
It was weird because I called around and I was like, hey, I'm 15, we all let me in.
And they said, fuck no.
So I told my mom, they said yes, and we just showed up to the club.
Right. For those of you listening from around the world,
there's a very interesting fun fact about Texas is they have an unbelievable amount of really cool laws for performers.
You can smoke whatever you want, you can do whatever you want, as long as you're on a stage performing of some kind.
And also anyone under 21 in the state of Texas is allowed in any bar or club whatsoever
as long as an actual parent is with you.
Do you have an actual parent with you tonight?
I do, shout out to my moms here.
Hello, yeah, hello, yeah.
Where's she at?
Is she hiding out?
Is your mom shy?
Sir?
Is your mom shy or is she cool?
Oh, she's cool.
Should we bring her out here?
Should we say hi to her?
Can we, you wanna bring her up real quick? We can, we can, hell yeah. Let's do it.
What's up? Hell yeah, come on up here, join your boy.
Oh hell yeah, your mom does smoke weed. Look at those red eyes. Oh shit, busted.
You guys smoke pot together sometimes?
Hell yeah.
Oh hell yeah dude.
How come I didn't get to smoke pot
with any of my high school teachers?
This is crazy.
Being homeschooled is the shit.
Yeah, it is, it's cool.
This is incredible.
Mrs. D'Shaizo, am I saying that right?
Mrs. D'Shaizo, are you super proud?
Your kid seems to be on an absolute fast track
to being a wild success. Talk right into the tip of that microphone there. Yes, are you super proud your kid seems to be on an absolute fast track to being a wild success?
Talk right into the tip of that microphone there. Yes. I'm super proud
It's crazy and I cannot even believe that we're standing right here. Yeah
This is really cool
So
Holden this is amazing.
You, Jesus, I don't even know exactly what to ask a 16-year-old.
Yeah, well, actually, I was trying to get on the mic here, and they wouldn't let me in.
Right.
And I ran into a campatterson, shout out, Cam.
Cool guy.
One of the coolest motherfuckers I've ever met.
He really is.
And he got me on the Vulcan regular show over there. I did that and then got invited back.
I did that tonight and then signed up for the second show. Here I am.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. How cool is this? There's basically nothing that can really
stop you from this point, from being a professional comedian. Starting at 16 is something that I only really only know of Eddie Murphy and Dave
Chappelle, two of the people that are recognized as two of the obviously all-time
greats. So what do you do for fun at 16 years old when you're not doing stand-up
comedy? What do you do? You banging chicks yet dude? Yes, Mrs. Gashay so.
Right in front of your mom, you got it.
She's plugging her ears.
I can't say anything like that.
Mama mia!
Right.
Yeah, good job. He's banging dude.
Hold, hold.
I love it. You ever bang a chick with your mom, like, in the same house as you?
In the same house? No, no, no. But my ex-girlfriend tried to fuck me while she went to Walgreens.
And I thought she was coming home soon, so I panicked and I threw that bitch on the couch.
Right. But mom wasn't home yet?
No, she wasn't home but I was scared she was gonna come home and find well come.
So, you know.
Exactly. Exactly.
Went from all greens to blue balls. Look at that.
Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Incredible. Incredible. Hold on, what else would we be surprised to know about you?
This is 16-year-old living in Houston.
Surprise to know about me.
The Homa.
Fat Pat.
Little.
Hell yeah.
Little.
I'll be listening to Mike Jones and all that shit.
Right.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
100%.
Back then, hoes didn't want you.
Now you're hot.
Hoes all on you.
The homie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I left. Just the streets. 100% Back then, hose didn't wait, you know you're hot, hose all on you
All on me, yeah, yeah, yeah
Just the streets, I have a lot of black friends
These guys going to jerk off real quick, they take my Jones fan
Yeah
Look at this awkward moment
Away
Fuck yeah dude
It's weird he's going to jerk off, now there's a kid on stage. That's kind of crazy.
That is true.
You just got housed by a 16 year old by the way sir.
Oh my goodness.
Oh shit, you're a little fucking gangster dude.
16 years old.
How much time do you think you've accumulated? How what yes, what's if you were to say you're comfortable and
Confident in a length of a set that you've accumulated in a year of doing this
How long would you say that that set is well? I just did it. I don't know like I
Just did a 45 minute set on my own hell. Yeah, wow
I did it. I did it on my own. I figured it was just a free show. I wanted
to do it a bar that I performed at before. And I did it.
That's how you do it. You got to throw yourself to the wolves. I tried to do an hour in fucking
Youngstown, Ohio less than a year after starting in retrospect. It was unbelievably terrible.
But one day you're going to look back at that set and remember,
Mom, were you at that big 45-minute long set? How do you think he did? Talking to the mic.
Oh, he did great. Like, you know, I wasn't really a big fan of this comedy thing to start with.
Yeah.
And so it's taken me a little while to kind of get a little more comfortable with it.
Right.
And I was a little nervous, about a 45 minute sit,
because I thought that's a really long time
to have to talk about it.
Yeah, that's like a 1% of his entire life.
I know, right?
But he killed it.
He did great.
He did.
He killed it.
That is amazing.
Hold it and take the mic back.
Where's Dad at?
He's not in the picture?
Oh, he's at home.
Oh, OK. He supports you too. He does he does 100%
He might be but he might be right now as far as we've learned tonight your dad might be banging your best friend right now
possibly
Holden, you know, you're a fucking anomaly dude.. I absolutely see a ton of amazing stuff happening
in your future.
Um...
That's what I'm talking about, man!
Yeah!
Fuck it, man!
No.
Michael?
Oh, my God!
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know.
So what?
You want to do a hold-in?
You want to do a minute and an arena on December 30th?
Fuck yeah!
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Then you will.
16-year-old Holden Nischezzo, ladies and gentlemen,
with his Hill ultimate debut.
We'll see you at the H.E.B. Center on December 30th.
Hell yeah!
Fuck yeah, there he goes, Holden Dichezo.
Here, I have some nicotine toothpicks, I'm just kidding, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Here's a big joke book though that matches your hat and your jacket.
Ready for it? There you go.
That's why I never play
baseball yeah yeah play baseball who needs to play baseball there he goes
holding the shades though everybody press gonna be performing in an arena at
the age of 16 years old so that's interesting oh wow it's getting late huh
what time did we start this? Oh, okay.
Really?
A ballpark of the actual start time?
All right, last bucket pool of the night, let's do it.
Make some noise for Dave Harriman, everybody.
Dave Harriman, everybody. Dave Harriman. What's up, Austin, Texas?
Have y'all ever smoked crack in a bush?
My ex-wife said no more crack in the house.
So I found a nice big thorn bush in my neighbor's backyard
and I made him a little crack bush.
She tried to bring me out dinner and shit, but you know the crack.
Kind of kills the fucking appetite, alright?
I do go to AA meetings still, not sober, alright?
I do go for the crowd time, alright?
I just say you can hit about five meetings a day, that gives you about five minutes of
sharing time.
I'm just saying you knock hit about five meetings a day, that gives you about five minutes of sharing time. I'm just saying you knock out some sets, all right?
And if you want to double up,
you hit a couple of NA meetings while you're at it.
I'm not gay, I'm just wearing my gay shirt.
I'm not gay, but my boyfriend did give me pulmonary edema,
which is fluid on the lungs, okay ladies?
All right.
I am a proud EBT member, okay?
I've had my card since 2006. In the seventh of every month,
I do hold my EBT card up and say,
hallelujah, another 250.
All right, thank you all.
Fuck yeah.
Dave Harriman.
How's it going, Dave? How are you?
What's up Tony? How long have you been on stand-up?
Four years. You've been on the show before?
The first time.
This is your first time?
Yes.
Absolutely.
Cool.
Four years, where at?
Charlotte, North Carolina.
Charlotte, North Carolina. Okay. And how did you get fluid on the lungs?
The cum, the jizz.
Is that true?
No, it's not true.
It's actually IOD'd and I had pulmonary edema.
OK, what did you OD on?
My own throat.
What?
Yeah, you're a fixiate on yourself.
So you were drunk.
You threw up and choked on your own vomit.
I wasn't drunk.
You were sober?
No, I was doing heroin.
OK, there we go. You OD'd on heroin. Thank you. There we go. I was doing heroin. Okay, there we go.
You OD'd on heroin.
There we go.
We finally got there.
What am I, a fucking cop or something?
I don't know.
How are you?
I don't know.
I'm fine.
It was just my vomit.
What?
All right.
How long have you been doing heroin?
I quit about three years ago.
You still think about it every day?
You think about it every day? You want some?
No.
You want some? I know a 16-year-old with a hookup.
All right.
I'll take the acid over the 16-year-olds.
No, I won't.
Okay, so are you really sober now,
or do you just do heroin?
No, I drink.
Right. How often do you drink? All the time?
All the time.
All the time. Periodically.
Every morning. Every morning. Okay. What do you do for work? I work at Hooters. What?
Holy shit. Intercourt. You're one of the weirdest Hooters waitresses I've ever seen. Just imagine
the disappointed table. Just like, what the fuck? I'll take the fucking wings.
Jesus Christ.
You actually know Billy Ray.
He actually took his job on accident.
Who the fuck is Billy Ray?
The fat guy.
No?
You gotta fight it Hooters?
No?
Okay, all right.
How would I know a guy named Billy Ray at Hooters?
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
Are you serious?
He's been on the show before.
So there's a comedian named Billy Ray
that worked at Hooters.
Yeah, I don't know.
Alright, never mind.
Sorry.
We've been doing this a long time.
Not my bad.
What did Billy Ray do at Hooters?
He beat somebody up and then got arrested and then I went and checked on him.
How long ago was he on the show if you had to guess?
About a month ago.
My God.
We talked about this.
Do you remember talking about a Hooters?
I don't remember any of this. Really? I don't think he talked about that. Did he tell you that he talked about this. Do you remember talking about a Hooters? I don't remember any of this.
Really?
I don't think he talked about that.
Did he tell you that he talked about it?
Did you see it?
I saw the show, yeah.
We talked.
Okay.
Yeah, you definitely did.
You definitely did.
Things move fast here.
There's not enough energy in the world.
Oh, I know that guy.
Yeah, he's had a few jobs.
That fucking guy.
He works in a pizza place here on 6th Street now.
Okay. So what do you do with the Hooters?
I manage.
You're the manager of the Hooters?
I'm the hourly manager, yes.
Something for the guys to look out when their erections are out of control.
You just...
The old erection destroyer over here.
An erection denier, if you will.
Hey, I like that.
That was good.
All right.
Anything interesting about your life, Dave?
So yeah, I just recently moved here about five months ago.
And I sold my girlfriend's house and took the money,
and I moved down here.
Did you bring her with you?
No.
OK, so what do you mean?
This is like a fucking riddle or something?
What's going on here?
I sold my girlfriend's house and came here without her and figured it out.
You have 30 minutes or else the doors will not unlock.
Come on dude, answer the fucking questions.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I was a realtor back home and I sold my girl's house and I spent the money I moved down here
without telling her.
Have you talked to her since then?
Yes.
And what does she say about that?
Well, she flew me out to Myrtle Beach.
Uh-huh.
And?
For an AA conference.
Uh-huh.
And then what happened?
We fucked.
Right.
And hung out all weekend.
Uh-huh.
Is she letting you keep the money from her house?
Yeah. Why? Because I was a realtor. out all weekend. Uh-huh. Is she letting you keep the money from her house?
Yeah.
Why?
Because I was a realtor.
I got the commission, the commission.
So you, she got all the money?
Oh, she got all the money, yeah.
Right.
So this is just, you're just like trying to chit-guss or something like that.
I guess.
Yeah, stupid.
Sorry.
There was literally a 16-year-old and a little Jewish girl that had better interviews than
you tonight.
The trick is honest to hear. What do you guys think about this piece of heroin filled trash? 16 year old and a little Jewish girl that had better interviews than you tonight
Trick is honesty here. What do you guys think about this piece of heroin filled trash?
Asking you I'm not asking you. I think you might need to restart dog. I think it's time to take you out
You a crackhead that was crazy
I'll tell you what we're doing in arena on December 30th. And if you want to shoot up heroin in the parking lot,
you have full permission.
Thank you.
Full permission to tie one off.
Appreciate that.
We're going to keep it moving along.
There goes Dave Harriman, everybody.
Here's a little joke, but.
Last name was Harriman?
Harriman, not Harriman, but it should be Harriman,
because it looks like he's still on it.
Imagine how much heroin you have to do,
that after three years of sobriety,
you look like you just shot up.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, well,
I'm gonna be honest with you,
William Montgomery is out tonight, everybody.
I know, I know a devastating blow,
a devastating blow indeed, but he had a little bit of an emergency and could not make it.
However, if you recognize the music coming from behind me, we do have another one of the regulars here, an absolute fucking sensation who destroys.
I mean, this guy's been doing theaters with me all around the world and I fucking love working with him.
This is a brand new minute again from the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! So I fucked a bodybuilding bitch three weeks ago. And let me tell you how I happened to.
I was on Tinder, I was on Tinder,
it was three o'clock in the morning.
You know at three o'clock in the morning
you wanna fuck something real bad.
So I was just swiping like a motherfucker.
I was just sitting out here, marriage, like a bitch, right?
And at one swipe I just seen some big ass titties.
So I was like, hmm, so I just went,
I wanna suck your titties.
And she responded, well come suck them then.
Touchdown, so. So I get to the crib, right?
And I don't see big ass titties.
I see DeWayne DeRoc Johnson in a wig.
So now I am terrified, I'm scared of shit.
So when I get in the house, I lock myself in the bathroom
and I start doing research, right?
I want to make sure she really elated, right?
So I made that and, scrolled and shit,
and I found out she was born elated.
So I was like, oh, cool, we can fuck now.
But I don't know if y'all noticed or not,
but if you ever fucking a girl you think might be a dude,
your research never stops.
So 30 seconds in, we fucking the missionary, right?
And she think I'm trying to choke her,
but I'm feeling for Adam's apple.
Because bitch, you ain't finna get me, stupid.
You dumb ass.
I wouldn't tell you this, dude.
At one point, at one point we were fucking,
I felt so safe in her strong ass arms.
But I just let myself go, I felt free.
I felt so free.
And we were fucking, and at one point she bit and pressed me out of her pussy.
And I just went, weeeek, I was having a great time.
I was going back, they got the fuck.
Yes.
An absolute fucking anomaly.
Our sweet, sweet monster, Cam Patterson.
What I love about what just happened here is that we've heard about this,
about the premise through an interview,
and maybe even you dabbled in it on stage on the show before,
but what I love about what you did here is you showed us
what the product has become over time of that bit.
That is absolutely amazing.
I've actually seen you do that in theaters
and it absolutely fucking destroys.
It's amazing to see you just be able to kick out
brand new unbelievable minutes.
I mean, clearly this set of the night.
The madness can't even contain what he saw here tonight.
So Cam, fantastic work. That is amazing. You're out there just living life,
living your life and the shit turns into material. Now that's the best shit. You know what I'm
saying? It's tough, you know what I'm saying? But you want to pedestal like this, you gotta keep
pushing. You know what I'm saying? So I'm trying to push these bitches out. You feel me? Absolutely.
It is a high pressure situation. You're absolutely killing it. Ahsan and Derek, you get to see and work with Cam all the time here at the Mother Ship.
What do you have to say about him?
Well, usually when Cam and I talk, it's usually talking about how we can make the joke better.
Yeah, we'll do it.
And an angle you have there that you didn't use is that you could give her a voice.
Like a really deep voice.
You make her come and she goes, thank you brother or use is that you could give her a voice. Like a really deep voice. You know, like, you know, you make her come
and she goes, thank you, brother, or something like that.
You know what I mean?
Like, if you give her the character,
there's more ways, more routes for you to go.
Yeah, almost there.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good punch up right there.
I knew you were retarded the day I met you, man.
I got this.
He's so funny.
I took him to see Oppenheimer when it came out.
Oppenheimer, him.
And then we got to theater, I said,
Cam, what you think of the movie?
He said, man, that motherfucker got bitches.
I was like, wow.
What a review of Oppenheimer.
He did.
Y'all seen the movie?
He got bitches, dog.
Bro, he was fucking the whole movie.
They were like, yo, I want you to know he made these bombs, bro, he was fucking the whole movie.
They were like, yo, I want you to know he made these bombs,
but also he got bitches.
Like, I don't know if y'all know what's not,
but he was fucking e-holes.
For sure.
Crazy.
Oh, y'all know, he's hate scientist,
well this scientist got bitches.
So, that's just crazy, it's the same, but.
Absolutely amazing.
What else is going on, Cam?
Anything else you should know?
I'm fucking... I almost cried back there
because you got my young boy on your...
What's the name?
You know that 16-year-old.
That my little nigga, bro.
Okay.
How do you know him?
From the streets?
You guys going to home school together?
I'm not even close.
Nah, one day after kids told me...
You guys on the same grade right now?
Yeah. Shut up. Cam didn't learn how to count to 10 until he was 12. Nah, one day after kids over here. You guys on the same grade right now? Yeah, yeah.
Shut up.
Cam didn't learn how to count to 10 until he was 12.
So shut up.
I'm allowed to make these jokes.
I'm friends with his dad.
Yeah.
And my dad can't read, so be quiet.
Yeah.
That's true.
Just fucking mouth.
That's true.
My whole family fucked up a little bit, all right?
Don't attend my fucking life.
Fuck you grown in bitches.
Okay.
That is true.
So how do you know holding to Shazo?
No, I was out there one day after one of the shows and shit.
And he was around.
I fuck with his energy.
He told me he was 16, he was doing comedy.
And he niggas done putting it on.
You done putting it on, you know what I'm saying?
So what I learned.
Wait, what?
You done put me on like in such big, you know what I'm saying?
Yes, we put you on. So I learned like being here is like, you know, you pass it forward.
And I ain't never seen you stand up ever by fuck with his energy.
You know what I'm saying?
How you talk to shit.
I like man come through the regular song too.
He came out, he couldn't, his mom didn't want to come out.
So I gave him 250 just to come back.
He living in Houston.
You know what I'm saying?
So I gave him 250 to come back.
Because he, you know what I'm saying?
He's gonna put me on.
Y'all put me on.
I see.
I think I remember you telling me about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was good.
That's crazy.
Love to hear.
That's amazing.
I had no idea, but I think I remember that,
because I think I remember telling you
you shouldn't give somebody 250.
Yeah, you was like, don't do that.
That's dumb as fuck.
I did, right?
I think I remember that.
I was drunk.
I was drunk.
It was late, but I remember.
I was drunk when I gave it to him. I was like, here go 250, nigga. I want drunk. I was drunk. It was late, but I remember. I was drunk when I gave it to him.
I was like, here go 250.
I want you.
You come back and you have a good show.
Okay, you go 250.
That's amazing.
I'm a drunk as shit.
Amazing.
But now that made me, that made me jump a little bit, man.
I like talking to him, hitting me up all the time,
but like advice and shit,
and I just tell him to keep doing you.
Well.
That's how that made me look.
That's how small the world is,
and how small Austin is,
and how crazy the crea...
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Her pussy's gonna be as red as her eyes are
after you're done with her.
Yeah, I'm gonna do that.
I got all three of them on the phone.
I'm sorry.
Oh my goodness gracious.
Not done though, but you could do it.
In call or out call?
Huh?
I love it.
Cam, you're an absolute legend and you will be performing with Holden D'Shaizo at the
HEB Center.
There you go.
Yeah, yeah.
Fun times. There he goes.
The Great and Powerful.
Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah!
How loud can this place get for our great guests?
Derek Poston and Asana Ma.
They have a brand-new podcast out called
The Solid Show.
Available everywhere.
YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, everywhere.
The drawing from Ryan G. Belf Belvizn and it's unbelievable.
Let's see the drawing from the great local artist,
Chris Rogers. Oh shit!
Cam Patterson with white bitches.
Unbelievable.
This South Park series has been doing
is absolutely mind boggling.
How loud can this place get?
One more final time for the best band,
Annalia and Michael Gonzalez on the drums,
retaining, winning the Mexican drum off tonight.
The great Paul Deemer on the horns.
The menace on the bass guitar, everybody.
John Dees on the keys.
And the Memphis mutator, Mac Mueling,
everybody on the electric guitar.
Red band.
Check out the Sunset Strip comedy club
next door with the blood all over the place.
Go to SunsetStrip.com.
Son of a bitch.
We love you guys, thank you, good night everybody.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. I'm not sure if you can hear me. Yeah! Oh වවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවව� 구독과 좋아요 부탁드려요! You you