KILL TONY - #647 - DR PHIL (ADAM RAY) - HEB ARENA DAY ONE
Episode Date: January 27, 2024Adam Ray, Dr Phil, Jelly Roll, William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hi...nchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/30/2023 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY BESPOKE POST Get a free Mystery Gift with your first monthly shipment when you sign up at https://www.bespokepost.com and enter the code KILLTONY at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hey, this is Red Band
and you're listening to the Deathquad podcast network. This episode
of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. And don't forget
to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips,
my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunset strip ATX.com.
And now here's a brand new episode of kill tone.
Back on my standup tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I
didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this vancouver, Portland and Seattle,
your next January 25th, 26 and 27.
And then Los Angeles, California.
I do stand up Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston,
Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston,
St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando.
I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates.
Really excited for you to see it.
Taken some of my favorite openers with me.
You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchCliff.com this is going to be
my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024 it's all just
performing in Austin and Kiltony from there so hope to see you soon That was fast. That was fast. Thank y'all y'all. Thank y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all
y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that I was never born. And that I have been present through all of what has been
and what will be.
See, I came into existence before the Earth and stars,
and I will be here on the day they fall,
because I am ageless.
But yeah, old enough to fuck your mother.
I gotta stop buying them suits from the car wash, I
Got some bottom suits from the car wash
Mexicans caught you coming they get my friend my friend you won't do
Did your gym burn down? I don't care. If y'all don't fuck with here, Tony, you a pussy nibb.
Yeah.
Gang violence.
Gang violence.
If y'all don't fuck with Tony Henscliffe, you a pussy never
Suck my dick am a pussy and my crack
Oh my god, he's licking the dog
Boy you look like a useless X-man nigga. His special powers that his toenails get real long nigga.
We did not even get to the most interesting thing about him.
Alright, stop playing music, stop playing music.
Well they accused me of leading the Pledge of Allegiance on the Capitol Steps on January 6th.
Were you there?
I cannot confirm or deny.
Freedom!
Where are you sleeping tonight?
Okay, okay, do you know where you're gonna park your car?
Where were I? I can find a spot? I'm sleeping tonight. Okay, okay. And do you know where you're gonna park your car?
Where were I? Can find a spot? I guess. Okay.
As being raised by a sweet Jewish single mom,
I can't let you sleep in your fucking car tonight.
I'm gonna get you a hotel for three nights here in Austin.
All right?
Oh, look at that.
Oh my God.
Wow.
Just keep driving, man. I can't do that.
Just keep hustle, man.
And crush that job interview on Wednesday.
And don't you fucking jerk off from the Laquita lobby.
November 18th, I'm doing the Celebrity Theater
in Phoenix, Arizona.
November 18th, that is a massive,
one of the biggest theaters in your hometown.
Would you like to do a guest spot on that show?
Would you like to do a guest spot on that show? Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
I'm going on tour in October to Florida to do six dates.
You want to open for me?
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Woo! You got a dog! I got a small little dog yesterday, yesterday.
I got a sweet little dog yesterday.
Yes, everybody.
I wouldn't kill Tony yeah
First of all what a fuck I've seen it on YouTube a thousand times
But in person
Unfucking real it's such a great show. It's hard. It's like you know, it's really not scripted
Yeah, but it feels like because it gets so fucking out of hand at times
You're like there's no way this wasn't rehearsed. He's not telling you to watch every week. Every week it happens for that.
Tony's the master.
He is so sharp.
He's so sharp.
He's so good at being a host of one of those shows.
And now, please rise for your national anthem,
presented by double Grammy nominated CMA,
new artist of the year, Jelly Roll.
What's up, all the Texans? Now, as you could expect, there was no way I was missing Kill Tony Lava, the motherfucking
arena.
Now, please, join me and you're not only encouraged, is it expected that you help me sing the greatest
song for the greatest country owner?
Don't let me down.
Are you already Austin?
I still got music here.
There we go.
Thank you.
I got scared.
I'm already too high to be singing such an important song, so you're going to have to
help me out.
Oh, see, can you see by the water? the Lord. He's mine.
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last day?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the parallel order
we're so
come on those Those bars to begin in
Game rules in the night
And I'm fine with stealing
As loud as you can
Oh, say does that star spangled banner yet wave Stars pay go, they're not in vain
Oh the land of the free
Oh the land of the free Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the greatest show on earth?
Coming to you live, streaming around the world.
From Austin, Texas at the H.E.P. Center, y'all get ready for my fuckin' brother,
Kill Tony! Hey, this is Redman.
Come to your left.
From the H.E.B. Center in Austin, Texas.
For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony H. Claaaaan!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight?
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We're in a fucking arena.
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This is it. You're at the first ever kill Tony in an arena. This is unbelievable
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You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives?
How about one more time for the band everybody?
That is a O.G. member, Jetsky Jesse Johnson on her trumpet.
The great Paul Deemer on the horns.
Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
James Atkins on percussion, the great, absolutely amazing
Dane Relliford on the keys, Madman Matt Mueling on the electric, the leader of the band, John
D's on the keyboard, and the absolute backbone and charisma the one and only
D-Madness ladies and gentlemen
well let's just jump right into it I am so excited about the show that we have
prepared for you here.
We're just gonna get right into it.
I booked this thing and I decided, you know,
we could have gone one way, we could have gone another way.
I, there was no doubt in my mind who I wanted for this show.
One guest, one guest only.
I said, who cares about hype or celebrity or this or that?
I want funny.
Do you guys like funny?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a guest.
He's only been on the show one time before, but my God,
he left an imprint like none other.
I do believe a 100% approval rating. I present to you a
man that I've worked with for 17 years, a renegade of show business. This is indeed the one and only
Dr. Phil! I Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god. Oh my god.
Austin make some fucking noise if you're feeling good tonight.
It's a good night to be alive.
It's a good night to wear that hat.
I lost my virginity here.
I'm looking to lose it again tonight.
We gonna have a good time or what?
Let's fucking go. He is back ladies and gentlemen one of the
greatest guests in the history of the show dr. Phil he helps people he
tell who leads their lives in the right direction and is also absolutely hilarious.
Well, I gotta be honest, Tony,
the reception I received on YouTube,
and I don't read the comments,
I read the pornhub comments,
which by the way, my man, good to see ya,
anal69 at yahoo.com up front.
But you know, and you're right,
they don't have enough clit but but I just
think that the kill Tony fans have have taken this relationship to another
level and I'm fucking here for baby we're gonna keep it right here we ain't
going anywhere Dr. Phil you've done it before
we're in it again look at Red Band's mustache.
Look at that fucking, look at that age mobile.
I did it for you, Dr. Phil.
You look good.
You're paying homage.
I dig it.
Good to see you, brother.
He looks great.
He looks like Bready Mercury.
Hey, stop.
Here we go.
Here we go.
So very exciting stuff, Dr. Phil.
You know how it works.
We actually have an entire,
can you light up the comic section?
Do we have lights on that?
There it is.
We have that comic section light.
There's an action, there they are.
Look at these motherfuckers.
Wow.
For those of you that have wondered what it looks like,
that's what it is.
A lot of people on the inside have signed up too.
We're gonna try to run it.
This is our first arena, so it's practice for us too.
We're gonna see how it goes.
Comedians, how you guys doing tonight?
You good?
Yeah.
Chaos.
So they literally don't know.
You're gonna get to watch in real time
someone go from sitting on their ass
to having the opportunity of their lifetime.
Tony, if they're there,
who's working at Petco right now?
Ha ha ha ha.
You guys are fucking. I love that. You guys are killing it. Tony, if they're there, who's 2023, about to be 2024.
That's why I'm fired up to be at this table right now.
I fucking love it.
I'm excited, so you guys know how it works.
If I pull one of these names out of the bucket,
that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then,
or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bearer ladies and gentlemen
Which oh shit, what is this? What the fuck?
Uh-oh, he's touched. Yeah, the actual West Hollywood bear is here ladies and gentlemen
For the first time ever in his history. He's here. He's live in the flesh, he made it all the way out.
Hey, get out of here.
Hey, you forgot one.
Get out of here.
Here you go.
You have to throw dildos at him to make him go away.
Go ahead and put that last one in my green room, Bear.
So there you have it.
We're going to start the fucking show.
You guys ready?
Let's fucking do it, baby.
There's only one way to start an episode like this,
ladies and gentlemen.
This guy is in for the fight of his life tomorrow night.
He has put his regular ship on the line.
Two and a half years of full-time spots.
We've watched him progress from absolutely nothing to a full-time selling-out stand-up comedian,
a global attraction.
And here he is with a brand new 60 seconds.
Wait a second, you know what?
I want to, you guys know the words to this song? This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim!
This is Hans Kim! This is Hans Kim! What's up?
I think catcalling is horrible, but without catcalling, female comedians would not write
their own premises.
Right, Jo and Jokes, bitch?
I like how when men went on insult each other, we just call each other women.
I'm like, hey look, this guy's having a pizza with a napkin.
What are you, the object of my desire?
What are you, a person's approval determines my self-worth?
You wanna start a family together?
I am very jealous of white people.
White people are away for two seconds and they already have bigger eyes than me.
I've been working on this since 11 a.m. today.
You know how scared I have to be just to be able to see?
All right, that's my time.
Thank you.
Yeah, okay.
Hans Kim, the solid performance.
Absolutely adorable shirt.
Where do you get to make those yourself?
What is that?
This is actually from amazon.com.
I was watching a documentary about cartels,
and I thought they had very good confidence for skinny men.
And I adopted their culture.
And you wore that right out of the little bag folded, right?
I didn't tell.
You can see the fold marks in it still.
The guy still had the tag on it.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Wow.
Of course it does.
That looks like the shirt you definitely
wear to massage parlors that take Bitcoin.
It is incredible, Hans.
You got the tag on.
Are you planning on returning it to Amazon?
I was thinking that would be a cool story
to do an arena in a shirt and then return it to Amazon.
Yeah, well that fucking backfired.
No, it's a good idea.
Now how many tags on shirts
do you have currently in your closet, Hans?
Probably 17.
All right, next question, Tony.
Amazing. And how's life been going, Hans?
How did that feel, an arena?
That felt amazing.
This is a dream come true.
Thank you guys so much.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Now, Hans has done a lot of arenas before.
Normally in the round, he's famously open for Joe Rogan
many times
and tomorrow night you fight for your absolute existence on the show.
In an absolute barn burner of a battle, it's you versus Rick Diaz.
If the whole world is talking about it, I saw that a betting,
an actual betting site opened up bets.
You're a minus 300 favorite. Damn.
Holy shit.
How you feeling, Hans?
You nervous?
You excited?
You hard?
I'm hard and excited.
I respect bookies a lot more than I have ever respected them.
They are they know their comedy is what I think.
Because I feel like Rick has very basic comedy
Oh, yeah
Wow
Now is there any way we could do like if I threw something at you right now would you have a come are you ready for that sort of?
Back and forth with Rick tomorrow night or is it yes?
Yeah, so if I was Rick and I said, you look like you eat pussy with chopsticks.
What would you say?
I would say Rick, you can't eat anything because there's a space between your teeth and you
can't bite down on anything.
Oh, flag on the play.
Flag on the play.
Very controversial response there.
Yeah, go weird. on the play, very controversial response there.
Yeah, go weird.
He would still have, the teeth would still work
because some food would get stuck between
but he could still eat things.
I would say Rick, you're a little bitch.
There we go, and he's back.
And he's back, saved it.
Amazing, amazing.
But you've prepared hard for tomorrow night's battle?
Yes, I have a couple jokes about, you know.
Hamas?
Yes, I don't want to spoil it.
I won't say it, but it's about genocide.
Ooh, I like it.
I like it.
It's not going to be about genocide.
I like it.
Now, is that a topic you'd bring up on a first date with a gal, Hans?
Yeah, I mean, why keep it basic? Let's go to the next level.
Yeah. Well, let's pretend I'm a gal of the night real quick, okay?
And I'm sitting across from you at a P.F. Chang's or wherever your dad sells fireworks.
And, uh, and I say to you, boy, this is a great restaurant, Hans.
Do you think you'll eat my pussy with chopsticks later?
And what would you say?
I'd say I would, but there's a genocide happening in Gaza right now.
Okay. And that'd probably be the end of that date, but that's funny.
I love it. I can't wait.
You're in an arena. Did your girlfriend make it here tonight?
Nope. She's not here. Wow. She an arena. Did your girlfriend make it here tonight? Nope, she's not here.
Wow.
She's sick. She apparently has a good excuse.
She's high on mushrooms right now.
She's been texting me.
She's apparently having a bad reaction to mushrooms.
I hope she's okay.
But yeah, she chose to do drugs
instead of supporting me emotionally tonight.
There you go.
This sounds like everything's right on schedule with your relationship. Well, Hans, you gotta start me emotionally tonight. There you go. This sounds like everything's right on schedule
with your relationship.
Well, Hans, you gotta start it here tonight.
We're gonna keep it moving along.
And we're pumped for your performance tomorrow night.
Thank you.
This could technically be a second to last set ever
on the show.
Oh.
One more time for the great Hans Kemp.
And here we go.
Bucket poll number one starts now.
This is the moment I've been waiting for for a long time.
When I pitched this idea to my agent to do the show in an arena,
he said you think people are really gonna... Oh my goodness.
Oh shit.
The Yellow Rose presents Heidi, everybody. We have Bucket Pool girls tonight. Oh shit. The yellow rose presents Heidi everybody. We have bucket pool girls tonight. Oh shit.
Oh yeah, look at all the angry white women in the front row just hating this moment.
What the heck did you bring me to? This is supposed to be a fucking comedy! Oh my god, Dr. Phil!
Dr. Phil!
I'm married Tony.
Dr. Phil, I gotta say, I gotta say Dr. Phil, that ass looks like it's been Dr. Phil.
Or filled by a doctor.
Funny, funny.
Alright, let's see what happens here.
Let's light up these comedians and see what we got.
Make some noise for Yasmine Okoker, everybody.
Yasmine Okoker.
Oh, there she is.
Alright, in real time.
Here she comes.
The person in the farthest corner, of course.
Thank you, Destiny. Oh, oh. Hell yeah. Here she comes. The person in the farthest corner of course.
Thank you, Destiny.
Hell yeah.
You guys fucking excited to be here tonight or what?
Fun two nights ahead.
And so it has begun.
Hans Kim and your first bucket bowl.
Oh I was saying, my agent said, you think people are really gonna wanna see people's
first times or an amateur in an arena?
Make some noise for your Smeetna Koker.
What's up Austin?
This is my first time ever doing comedy.
I came here tonight with my beautiful boyfriend and honestly we had an amazing travel here.
We got on the train and I had no clue that I was going to come up here tonight guys.
I'm honestly just so blessed that I made it here tonight and able to see all y'all beautiful
faces and honestly
Tony I'm a big fan of you me and my boyfriend have been watching you for a
while now
okay okay I'll keep going
Hey. Oh, fuck.
OK.
I respected.
I respected.
I respected.
I respected.
Thank y'all.
Thank y'all.
Yeah.
Yes. OK. there you go. Yes, Meena Coker. Wow. Dr. Phil.
Well, right off the bat, it's been a personal goal of mine to always meet the real live
version of what if Willy Wonka fucked Jada Pinkett Smith.
That being said, that be, hey fuck you that was funny.
That be, I'm just a big fan of both those people.
Now I can tell you were a bit nervous, right?
That's first time it's, you know, we got 25,000 people here.
I can't do math.
Let's bring Hans back out to solve that properly.
But what I dig about you is you took the stage with confidence
and then you you clenched up.
Why?
Honestly, my whole mind just went blank.
Right.
I'm not even going to lie to y'all.
No, we saw that, yeah.
I had stuff, but then, like, as soon as I got up here,
I forgot it.
So have you done stand-up comedy before?
I've never done stand-up comedy ever in my life.
You've never done stand-up ever in your life.
You're the first bucket full of the night.
It's literally never happened.
Nobody has ever debuted in an arena before.
So how about a hand for that? We can at least give her that. It was terrible. It was God
awful. You completely bombs. Technically, no one's bombed this hard ever before in an arena,
either. It was absolutely incredible. Did you prepare for this?
You didn't prepare what made you sign up tonight
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let me go first
I'm just joking but also a little bit of truth
What made you sign up for this tonight?
Right in the tip of that microphone
Talk into that. Oh, okay. Yeah, I had the confidence and I I was just being confident and I confident
Yeah, but you didn't prepare anything. I did it
Yeah. But you didn't prepare anything.
I did it.
I did it.
Is your, go ahead.
Do you do a lot of things with confidence
that you're not prepared or built for at all?
You ever like take the field in an NFL game,
like throw out a jersey and just fucking get hit
or anything like that?
Actually, I joined my college soccer team
and I was, I thought I was confident
and I thought I was gonna do good.
And my coach told me no
So sometimes sometimes I try to be prepared today. I was one of those days. I was not prepared Wow
Unbelievable, what do you use this fucking Christ, right? Yeah?
Yeah, how about like a slip and slide sound effect instead of a fucking AK-47 is psycho. All right, now, what was your first hit, Jasmine?
It's Yasmine.
Who is it?
Yasmine.
Tasmania.
Yasmine.
Yasmine.
Yes, what the why?
Yasmine.
Yasmine.
So, was there, I heard Tasmania, but,
Yasmine, cool name, okay.
So you got the cool name, you got the cool outfit,
you had the confidence and the swagger, but you just fucking went blank man on us, Damon Wayne
style, and you fucking forgot. But is there a topic or a genre of material that you had,
you know, somewhat been, you know, farting around with up there?
Farting around with?
What would you talk about is my question I guess
Is there anything interesting about are you a lesbian?
Okay, great, okay, I'm by interested in what that means to you
Okay being vagina and sucking dick. OK, well, you got me on the first thing, yeah. Wow, look at that.
That's incredible.
OK.
My guess is there's a lot more vagina being eaten, though.
Am I correct here?
I have a boyfriend that I've been with for two years now.
Let's go.
OK.
All right, have you guys had three sums and things like that?
I plead the fifth.
OK, so yes, we also would have accepted.
That's an interesting thing of all the things to avoid.
What do you do for a living?
I am self-employed.
I am an entrepreneur.
Okay, an entrepreneur.
All right, well, yes, Fina.
I mean, the people do not like you.
Normally, if this was LA or New York,
a little likable black girl with her head shape
would get a standing ovation.
People would be wiping their tears away.
But my sweet love here in the goddamn middle of Texas
right now, and you done fucked up.
I will say, I will say I always try to empathize
when someone eats a big pile of shit like she just did. No, because we've all been there and you gotta start somewhere.
And what do I always say in my book?
You gotta start somewhere.
And so, and so, and so the edibles are kicking in by the way.
But I do want to say, but I do want to say that my first show was not a success, Tony.
We had a Siamese twin couple on, and they both,
they were hermaphrodite Siamese twins.
Sounds like ratings gold.
Nobody wanted to see it, okay?
And eventually I built my way up into a promising career.
So there is time, but you know, maybe fucking, you know,
just all you gotta do is think of stuff, you know?
Yeah, you have to plan for it.
You have a good look.
You have a good name.
Yes, Mina named after some allergy medication or something like that.
It is good.
You look like the funniest munchkin in all of Harlem.
But here's a here's a little joke book to go with your little everything else.
Absolutely adorable. There she goes. Yes, me and a co-driver everybody
All right, and we're gonna keep it moving here. There we go. Wow
That's what that's what people were afraid of are you really gonna have someone absolutely bomb in a fucking arena?
but
You know anything it happened
Yes, that's gotta be the wings wings nice. Where'd you order wings from? But, you know, anything can happen.
Yes, that's gotta be the wings.
Wings? Nice. Where'd you order wings from?
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Alright, let's light up the comedians. John Rice is next. to Jim. Learn more at trythey.ca. There is movement. Oh, they're pointing this way. Oh my goodness, he's waving his arms.
Oh yeah, section 118, row zero. I fucked that up. That's right. Holy shit. How about a hand for the yellow rows?
That's Isabel, ladies and gentlemen. Jesus fucking Christ almighty.
What the duffer on? I don't know if I mentioned this, but the red rows and the yellow rows stuck with us through fucking everything. Loyal sponsors since our arrival in Austin, Texas.
How many of you like it when people do good on this show?
You got the bubble.
How many of you like it when people do bad on this show?
It's not.
Wow, ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut,
I do believe, of John Rice.
Oh, yeah.
That last dude's going to be hard to top.
He was all right.
You guys got sexy camera men up here.
Distract me.
Hey camera guy, you got a big dick?
That's a no.
I do have a big dick.
Settle down ladies, I'm gay.
And settle down gays, I'm a bottom. Now,
ridiculous it is to have a big dick and be a bottom. It's,
it's like giving a Buddhist a gun. So I get all the dumb
questions and comments, all the other gay guys don't got to put
up with, like, Hey, John, you're gay.
I had no idea you were gay.
I've never seen you do anything gay.
So you've never seen me suck a dick or drive my Prius?
Thank you.
That's my time.
OK, John Rice with a good, solid set.
60 seconds.
Hell yeah, John.
How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven years. 60 seconds. Hell yeah, John. How long you been doing stand up?
About seven years.
Seven years?
Wow, where at?
I started up in Seattle,
and then I moved down here during COVID.
Okay.
And how long were you in Seattle for?
About five years.
Right.
Yeah, talk about being a bottom.
Seattle fucking sucks.
Oh yeah, sucks so much.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not that bad, but you know.
Well, it's not that good either, Dr. Phil.
Well, have you been to the space, Neenal, or sucked a dick under a bridge?
Wait, Dr.-
I'm asking for a friend.
Dr. Phil, I thought you were from Texas.
Why are you defending Seattle so much?
Because my wife, Robin, we went there
for like a rekindle the marriage trip, right?
You know, sometimes you gotta keep things spicy, you know,
just ain't only enough sometimes,
but now, so you started comedy seven years ago
and have you always been gay
or when did that get going?
That's a good question, Dr. Phil.
I came out after about a year of doing stand up.
Okay.
Cause I'd written a couple of jokes about being gay
and I was like, well, I gotta come out and talk about it.
You know, so.
And then like, you can't just be gay and not come out.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah.
Yeah, can't.
All right.
We'll be right back.
No, we're gonna keep her right here.
All right, so now you don't always have a cameraman
in the front row of your shows to a cost.
So how do you usually open your sets?
A little bit of crowd work,
typically a guy's in with a girl and I'll ask him
if he's got a big dick
And typically he'll take a half a second to respond and she kind of will give it away. She gives away the game
So it's good to fuck with
Okay, that was just
Basic answer. Yeah
No, I'm sorry. I just spaced out. Go ahead Tony. It is surprising you don't seem gay
So when you came out, how did you do it?
Okay, so I didn't act,
I never have actually come out to anybody.
It's just been telling a joke on stage about it.
Wait, so are you coming out right now to your family?
No.
Funny you should say that, Dr. Phil,
because the way that my mom found out I was gay
was by watching one of my stand-up sets on YouTube.
Holy shit.
Honey, why are you saying that you're a bottom?
Do you mean you like bottomless breadsticks?
Ha ha ha.
How?
I had to explain to her what a glory hole was.
Oh shit, that's a weird Thanksgiving.
Wow.
Past the potatoes.
So the top holes for butt stuff, past the carrots, grandma, and the bottom hole is for penis
and butt stuff too.
I'm just glad I'm not the only one that's been there, Dr. Phil.
Now have you used a glory hole?
And that's the first time I've asked somebody that today.
What was the question?
Have you used, don't act like you didn't fucking hear me,
I'm two feet away with a fucking microphone.
Have you used a glory hole?
We'll cut to the tape if you don't wanna tell the story.
Yeah?
100%.
You have?
Yeah.
Get the fuck out of here.
Describe to us what, describe to us.
First of all, ballpark, how many times
have you used a glory hole?
Lifetime, maybe.
Hold on a second.
The fact that you took a huff and a puff and a pause
means bare minimum 52 times.
Yeah.
And then, and then, and then.
It's somewhere in the upper 30s, 40s, you know?
But that was back when I was in the closet,
and I was kind of, you know, hold on.
I'm going to check in with Jetski Johnson here.
Were you also a bottom in the glory hole?
Uh, yeah.
Oh my God.
You put your asshole up to the glory hole?
Sometimes.
God, disgusting.
And I am hard as a rock right now.
This is incredible.
When and in, when and in, well.
All right.
That is incredible. That is so wrong and naughty and nasty. and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy and brandy So you got your like one to five star glory holds, Dr. Phil.
There's not just one kind of glory hold.
There's some that are just like in between two stalls in a bathroom
and someone has chiseled their way through like their Andy Dufresne and shit.
Oh my God.
And there's other ones that are like the old shit shank redemption.
That was good. We'll keep that in.
You fucking.
Go ahead.
I'm going to be scared every time I hear tapping on the stall next to me.
I'm like, oh no, it's coming.
You've got to pinch it off and get the fuck out of here.
But then you have other ones that are in like sex shops and they'll be stalls next to each
other where you can, you know, watch porn in it, but there's a hole in between them
and they'll have padding all around the hole,
a bar to the left, a bar to the right,
and a bar above so you can just...
So wait a second, how do you...
I have so many, every time he answers the question,
I have five more questions, by the way.
I'm up to 27 questions right now.
So let me start off by saying this,
how do you know if someone's on the other side, especially as a bottom back backing up your butt guy?
Sounded out, Tony. We got this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you like, Hey, I'm over here. Do you like fart through the hole?
Good question.
There you go. There it is. Okay. He's allowed two farts for the arena. There you go. There it is.
Okay, he's allowed two farts for the arena.
Now, is that the regular fart sound effect
or the glory hole fart, Brad?
That was what's called a squeeze fart.
Oh.
Okay, there.
That feels like the one.
Yeah.
What's the two-tone fart?
Oh.
Oh, God.
That's kind of like rap music. Listen to that, fucking. Oh, that's kind of like that's kind of like rap music.
Let's know that fucking. Yeah, it's the motherfucking remix. Glory
hole. Yeah, Dr. motherfucking bill on the glory hole, the ones
and Jews. Wait.
Now, I will be rapping. So hold your horses. But but I to say this, before we get to Tony's third, fourth, and fifth question.
Why are you dressed like a guy who knows everything about glory holds?
Dressed for the job you want, not the job you have.
Great answer.
Great answer.
And that, my friends, is how that is how you come out to your mom over YouTube.
Ha ha ha.
Now, let me get back to question number 43 here.
Now, when you back up, is there ever like an accident
that you have in the glory hole?
Like, is there ever what I would call a holy shit?
Like what? Like back it up to it,
and there's a woman on the other side or something?
Oh, that would be terrible for you, right?
She's just complaining about her day and the whole.
And Becky said,
Becky said that I'm not good at cutting hair.
And you're just like, shut up, take this.
Pretty much- We're gonna make my mustache fall off, Tony.
It's a holy war. It's a holy war.
It's a holy war.
Okay, so you're a bottom, you're a big dick bottom.
Are there things that you won't do?
Will you fuck a guy in the ass?
Uh...
Okay, well, again, the long pause tells us everything we need to know, okay?
Like, it depends.
What's the pay on that, Tony?
I don't know, it's spot on Red Band Secret Show.
For starters, for starters, and for closers, a bucket of KFC so you can
bring back some old memories.
By the way, famous homophobe D Madness is losing his mind right now.
He's literally uncomfortable.
No, stay away, stay away.
Well, let me tell you this.
It's admirable that you're owning who you are.
I dig that, okay?
Round of applause for that,
because you shouldn't be afraid of who the fuck you are
and what you wanna do.
That's true.
You know, and yeah, you might have some friends
reach out to you on Facebook once this episode is
fully up and out to the world that say, hey, I didn't know you were into that.
But you know what?
That's their problem.
Okay?
What are their fun facts besides Gloria Hole, you know, shenanigans, would you say define
your day to day?
Can you stop fucking pausing so much in between senses?
I want to think before I talk.
I get it.
Yeah, not really.
Like, I used to drive over until a week ago
when my Prius died and blew up.
So I'm, if anyone's hiring out there,
hey, this bag needs a job.
What is your work experience?
Maybe we can get you a job right now.
We're famous for doing this on the show. What type of resume do you have?
I delivered pizza in Alaska for about a decade. Jesus Christ. Oh my god
You were really getting fucked in the ass then
You know Tony I saw a sign they're hiring here at this arena. Oh, okay. Thank you
So are they hiring for an icy road pizza delivery?
I mean, they have custodians here.
I'm sure this guy, this guy's got enough going on with his Herbert butts.
You know what I'm saying?
H.E.B. Center doesn't need this fucking guy.
What else other than delivering pizzas on icy roads?
Uh, I've, uh, that's about it. I was a hitchhiking hippie for a few years and
homeless so that's uh coming up again here soon.
Um, you know, uh. You've really done it all, haven't you?
I've worked in a lot of kitchens, you know, a lot of kitchen work.
Oh good to know. Can you tell me what kitchens that I never eat there again?
This is disgusting. This food tastes like shit
Wait, so you were a hitchhiking hippie. How long did that last?
About two and a half years. Holy fucking shit. That's crazier than the glory hole story. Yeah
What type of kitchens did you work in? Uh real hole in the walls?
Funny Hitchens did you work in? Real hole in the walls? Funny, funny.
Real funny.
I think you worked out Whole Foods.
Wait, what'd you say?
I think you worked out Whole Foods.
Whole Foods, yeah.
Whole Foods or maybe Target.
Okay, so kitchen, hitchhike, what would be your go to line?
Pretend I'm someone driving, OK?
Pretend I'm driving.
Oh, yeah.
We love a mobile doctor.
Pretend I'm driving and you try to solicit a ride.
Maybe your thumb or your cock is out, right?
And I'm driving along.
Give me some, give me some chill driving music fellas
Perfect, maybe that's good
Yeah, this is what I listen to oh
Man just trying to drive to Vegas. Hope I don't run into any gay guys
Hope I don't run into any gay guys
Hey
Let me turn out the music real quick
Who the fuck oh, I just got a shot of your teeth, okay
Damn even God is fucked this guy
I don't usually like to break character during my improvs, but holy fucking shit. I just looked into something you can't even get to on Super Mario Brothers.
Alright, hey, who are you?
Hey man, my name's John.
I'm trying to get a ride, bud.
Okay, where are you headed to, my man?
Doesn't matter.
I'll suck your dick
If I give you toothpaste first will you do it after that's a deal breaker, okay? Well you you you looking like this is a big deal breaker for me
But I'm a good guy with a kind heart. Give me one reason why I should take you in my in my in my in my in my car
And why I should take you in my car? Because I will definitely not murder you.
Okay.
What?
Any other reasons?
I have a giant cock.
Right.
Now you said that and I don't want to make you prove it, but I do want to know, have you
worked in any kitchens recently?
Not recently, no.
Okay.
Uh, I'm glad you're here, John.
I know this is a weird freeway to be on, but I've got a surprise for you.
I'm your mother.
I can't believe that you're gay.
And see, guys, give it up for John Hardwick.
Very good. Very good.
Very good.
John Rice, the man's so gay, he only takes it in the ass, doesn't fuck dudes.
So gay that he got made your mouth look like an asshole as well, so that you could-
Can I get a shirt?
Oh, you have a shirt? Are you fucking kidding me?
I get a shirt? Are you fucking kidding me? I get a shirt? So, this is a special night, so I want to make some special shit.
I got these special Dr. Phil T-shirts and hoodies that say we'll be right back and we'll keep
it right here on the back.
And I've got a handful.
I'm going to give out to some lucky winners.
John, go ahead and fucking wipe.
Oh, that's amazing.
I love it.
And John, here you go.
Here's a big jump bump. Oh, he caught it. Go ahead. That's amazing. I love it and
For sure that is full-blown monkey pox. Oh, yeah, and for sure he's gonna wipe up my shirt
He's gonna you know, it's gonna be covered in jizz by the time the, uh, it really is over. Okay.
Well, that was unexpected.
That was amazing.
That was incredible.
I've never heard a real life glory whole story.
I've read about them, especially a backwards one.
That's disgusting.
It is incredible.
I, that was a lot, but I, you got to love it.
Very honest interview.
Very honest, very different than, uh,asminah trying to escape by with just charisma
But here we go good energy good energy for the first two you guys having a good fucking time so far by the way
It's only going up from here
So I have a special treat for y'all. We just did a taping with this guy
Uh a week or two ago and he is literally 16 years old.
He can only perform in comedy clubs in Texas with his mom there because they're 21 and over,
but you can perform with a parent. The parent is here. He's 16. Let me remind you all that people
that start at 15 like this guy, guy Eddie Murphy Dave Chappelle started at 15
So I wanted to bring him into the kill Tony family and give him his first shot at an arena
You're about to watch the arena debut of an actual 16 year old ladies and gentlemen. This is holding
Dechazzo everybody
Holden
de Shade so Here he comes. Hold in de-shade, though.
Absolutely.
Here he is, everybody.
Fuck ya.
Second time on Kill Tony, it's in a fucking arena.
Hell, yeah.
Second time.
The first song I did was called, Fuck yeah! Second time on Kill Tony, it's in a fucking arena. Hell yeah! Second time.
The first time I did it, I was actually, I was insanely nervous. So I told the Kill
Tony staff the same thing that I told every girl I've ever been with. Probably not lasting
the whole minute, you know? I don't know if you guys are good with dark humor or not.
Alright hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let's contest it out.
Let's see if y'all are as fucked up as me.
Who here like me has been molested by their teacher?
Well, home school is going good I guess.
The weird thing about home school is we don't get a homecoming, right?
Luckily, the public school that I went to, they let me go.
And I asked the girl out.
She said, yes, you know, there's one problem.
Another guy already liked her.
And she informed me that this guy happened to have Down syndrome.
liked her. She informed me that this guy happened to have Down syndrome. And I was unaware that she made me tell him that she wasn't going with him. So what I did is I invited him over to my house,
I sat down, I was going to talk to him. And I looked. Oh, here he comes. Oh, shit. Look what we got here.
Hold on. Hold on. He's done.
He's done, Wes Sollywood Bear.
There you go.
There you go.
Okay.
There he is.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, he's cradling the dildos like a baby.
There he goes.
It's a weird show when there's a 16-year-old on stage and you're throwing dildos up there.
I got to admit, I know how stupid this show is.
We are walking a fine line between child trafficking and comedy at some point.
There's a rubber massagers.
That's all they are.
There's just rubber massagers.
Okay.
Our senior dildo correspondent, Brian Redman, describing the dildo, everybody.
Hold into Shazza.
Welcome.
You're in an arena right now.
How do you feel?
This is fucking crazy.
Hell yeah.
When's the last time you were in an arena?
Last time I was in an arena?
When I went to see Monster Jam.
Oh, yeah.
Monster Jam?
Yeah, Monster, Monster Trucks.
Monster Trucks.
Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
Monster Jam.
I'm pretty sure we had one of those monsters on stage right before you
Okay, holden it is creepy to go from a glory hole super faggot to a 16 year old
It's kind of a creepy transition. We don't never know who we're gonna pull out of the bucket
But hopefully your mom plugged your ears back there while all that was going on
She saw the dildos before I did backstage.
That was a while.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Incredible.
All right.
Well, Holden, how's life been going for you?
Tell us something we don't know about you.
Shit.
Okay, let's start with that.
Oh.
How about that gold chain?
I was a pro wrestling fan like you, bro. You were what?
Pro wrestling.
I was a big fan.
Okay.
Big fan.
What happened?
I don't know, bro.
I grew out of it.
Okay.
Good story.
Now, Olden, as you get older, you realize you're only 16, right?
Yeah.
So you realize as you age and mature if
you're out of the social setting amongst friends even strangers if someone
asked a question you know try to fill the space for at least 12 to 25 seconds
but you know that story probably has an ending but your nerves clinched it up and
cock blocked the finish of that tail just Just like the end of your, was it a down syndrome joke
that you were trying to close on? No. Okay. Well, I wish it was.
It's not. I got cut off right before the punchline. It was crazy.
Yeah, that's a part of the show. What was the punchline?
Well, the joke was that I looked deep into his eyes and I realized he didn't have down syndrome at all.
He was just Japanese. I knew he was good at math. realized he didn't have Down syndrome at all. He was just Japanese.
I knew he was good at math. I just didn't know like how.
Our Down syndrome kid is good at math.
That one was a faker, so he was.
So it's just racist against Japanese.
Pretty much, yeah.
Okay.
Have you ever made your own slime?
Like, you're like you're like my own slime
but yeah nah what are you talking about dude what the fuck are you talking about
oh shit slime even 16 year old like. This kid is willing to give away any chance at a secret show.
He knows what's good for him.
The ceilings are too high there, especially for you.
By the way, it's so funny that Red Band looks like his dad,
who said, if you embarrass me at this Denny's one more time,
I'm going to take away your porn privileges.
Are you into porn?
Am I into porn?
I'm a big fan.
Yeah, what's your go-
Well, you're 16, this is the right age
to start developing a passion for different flavors.
What's your go-to type in category?
Latina.
Oh, hell yeah!
Oh, shit.
Hell yeah!
There's a whole section of them over there.
Fuck yeah.
Unbelievable.
Now, have you ever been with, what's your sexual history with women?
What base have you gotten to?
There we go.
Actually, that's zero.
I told you last time my ex-girlfriend tried to fuck me on the couch while my mom went
to Walgreens.
Oh, shit. Okay, Red Walgreens. Oh shit.
Yo!
Okay, right, man.
Okay.
Jesus Christ.
I love that you...
What was your mom getting at Walgreens?
Condoms for you?
I don't know.
Sorry, honey, I was late.
I picked up a hitchhiker, tried to suck my dick.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Hell yeah, dude. This guy's got a whole fucking family.
You have brothers and sisters?
I do. I got three brothers, all 25 and up.
Oh, shit.
I was adopted.
You were who?
I was adopted.
Oh, that's adorable.
Let's go, dude.
I know.
See, your mom adopted you.
She didn't.
Oh, my God.
That's incredible.
How do you go about getting a fucking, a good white kid from the adoption agency? Like is that there can't be many on the market?
I don't mind it's more money. It's gotta be expensive. You were like you're like one of those a pure bread puppy
Well, it's weird. It's weird. I was adopted
Actually my birth father his sister adopted me so my aunt adopted me
Okay, I was like already the same man. Sounds like you got to get your fucking story straight.
Yeah.
Now let me ask you this and I love that for you. What age did they adopt you at? Because
I myself would love to adopt, but I'd love to get like a 29 year old Filipino woman
to make me eggs Benedict and teach me, you know, what time it is in like different countries. So what,
what age were you seized up by, by the Lost Boys? I was a weeks old. I was still a baby. Okay. Yeah. So your uncle is your dad. Yeah. And your dad is your uncle. We'll be right back.
We'll be right back
That's feel like we needed to cut to a sponsor that's fucking fascinating on today's show my grandma's my dog
And my mom is my sister hi
It is unbelievable So do you have family gatherings were sometimes your wacky uncle? Good question, Tony.
Shows up?
No, we don't really do family gatherings, but like...
What is your actual dad up to?
Is he a part of your life at all?
Oh.
Play some sad music, Red Band.
There we go.
How about this?
I'll be your dad.
You talk to me right now.
Yeah.
I'll fuck you up.
What was it? I'm again. Yeah. I fuck you. Yeah.
What was it, right again?
Holden.
Holden.
Face that way, son.
Holden, by the way, an interesting name,
because his dad was never holding him as a kid.
His actual dad. His uncle was holding him.
Holden, look straight ahead for me.
Talk to me as if I'm a silhouette of your pops in the mirror behind you. Hey hold it it's me dad.
You came back with the milk?
I want to see if you got any weed son. All the stuff you gave me dad.
Hold on, I heard you're doing stand-up comedy.
Your mom, I mean your aunt, I mean your your brother whoever the fuck's raising you
Told me through Facebook that you're trying stand up and I love that you're always a funny kid I remember the first thing you said to me was dad don't go and I thought how funny that was
But you know what I love? You're fucking...
You're 16, motherfucker, and I've never seen so much confidence in a good way on a motherfucker
of my entire life.
Give it up for this piece of shit.
Let's fucking go.
That's what it is.
That's what it is.
It is true.
Like I said, your entire future is in front of you, and of you and we can't wait to see where it all goes.
It seems like you're just gonna get better and better and you're gonna learn good habits in comedy here in the comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas.
Oh shit.
You want a Dr. Phil hoodie? You want a Dr. Phil hoodie?
Come on, man.
There you go. Hold into Sh the chase, ladies and gentlemen.
Fuck you! in hitting those goals. New year, new water, new you. Britta, it's taste over everything.
Makeup wipes, we're done.
You promised me so much.
Late nights, quick fixes.
It sounded great, but you always left a mess.
Honestly, you're straight up irritating.
I've been vibing with Garnier My Siller water lately.
I can trust it with dirt, SPF, waterproof makeup.
It cleanses, soothes, and doesn't play games
with my sensitive skin.
It's not me, it's definitely you.
Swipe right on Garnier My Siller
at your local retailer or on Amazon.
All right, back to the bucket we go.
I'm gonna pull one of these fucking names.
Let's light up the comedians.
Oh, okay.
Destiny Lelaine, everybody.
Section 103, row Q, seat 8.
Section 103.
Oh, shit.
Oh, that's so far away.
That is so far away.
Do we have movement?
Whoa, bucket pull number 3. That is so far away. Do we have movement? Whoa! Bugged pole number three!
Look at this!
This is the great sable everybody from the Yellow Roads!
My goodness!
We have movement, we got Destiny, we'll ain't coming! We got destiny while it's coming.
Does anybody see destiny? I think 103 is really far away.
Okay, hold on a second. I guess we don't have movement.
Oh, we got her. Here she comes. Destiny Lelaine, everybody.
She's gonna be tremendously out of breath. This arena thing is kinda crazy.
She was coming from the other side of the arena.
Opposite side.
We don't know how to do this yet. You guys having fun?
So we don't know how to do this yet. You guys having fun?
I don't think there's any perfect way
to do a Kill Sony in an arena.
It's destiny, Lillian, everybody.
Major tech companies recently announced up to $4,000
in travel abortion benefits.
Should employees need to leave the state
to seek medical care.
And I know that sounds super feminist,
until you realize these companies don't offer maternity leave.
They got you, bitches.
Picture this.
You walk into your manager's office.
They let you know that they're pregnant.
He hands you a pamphlet from HR on how to get an abortion.
You're confused you never
said anything about an abortion. Instead of throwing you a gender reveal, they throw you
a decision reveal. You realize that there's no return on investment on maternity leave,
but there is an ROI on sending that bitch on a $4,000 vacation tomorrow. Should one of
you guys come inside tonight?
A little bit about me in case you guys
wanna go to Puerto Rico.
I'm 4-Eleven in heels, 120 pounds
with a six-week fetus inside of me,
and 115 pounds when I squirt it out.
Or at least I think that's how medical abortions work
out about we don't have access to them anymore.
There you go, Destiny, Lilaine.
Hell yeah.
We're good, Bear. We're good. We're good. We're good. We got it.
All right. There he goes.
The bear is coming out quick tonight.
You should give him a few extra seconds.
Well, Destiny, I'll tell you what, for being out of breath
and running from the other side of a fucking arena, that was pretty good.
Yeah, thank you. Great job. I'll tell you what for being out of breath and running from the other side of a fucking arena. That was pretty good
You were talking really fast which is kind of hard in an arena I think you were trying to squeeze a lot of time in there and you did it
Dr. Phil. Yeah, I heard a abortion abortion abortion
What's that the shocker?
Okay, I, a little scared.
Now, how is it to go through something like that?
Like the joke or an abortion?
An abortion.
Whichever you wanna, whichever, I don't know.
As soon as that question got to my mouth,
in my head I said, abort question, but I fucking...
Right.
I wouldn't know.
We can't get them here.
So hopefully soon I'll find out.
How long you been in Austin?
How about that?
I moved here first three years ago during the pandemic.
I was in LA.
We did a shitty bar show together once, like in North Hollywood.
Hell yeah.
Okay.
So, Destiny, how many abortions have you had?
Two.
Okay, rest in peace.
Oh, the women go crazy.
There's some real sluts out here tonight.
I gotta say.
Women going wild for abortions.
There's some very happy gentlemen out there as well.
You are not wrong. These bitches in the front do not look like they're having fun.
Learn how to get an abortion, bitches. I'll talk to you guys after the show.
These are the rich wives and girlfriends of the rich fans that fucking had their peasant
slaves buy the tickets first. They just show up. This fucking guy's having the time of his life
and he's just flanked by angry wenches over here. Look at this fucking guy. Both just flanked by him. I love it.
Why couldn't have they been the two abortions? You know what I mean? Those kids are lucky.
So, Destiny, how much space was in between the two abortions? Oh, plenty of time. The second
one is what inspired my joke. I was entertained by the laws out here when I was in a little
pickle and I was entertained that my job was like telling me that they basically fund the
abortion. But I was like, shit, we don't have maternity leave. Like, I'm starting to realize
something's up here. So yeah, all's good. It just inspired my art
And it was you know fun little line that I wrote when I was walking to a show
What the fuck was that red man broken glass
Okay, are you on Adderall?
I'm actually sober good for you
I'm not actually sober sober phone sober right now. Oh, I'm so like fent Good for you. I'm not actually sober, sober, but I'm sober right now.
Oh, I was so like fentin' all brownies or what?
Speed brownies.
Abortion brownies.
Let me ask you this, that's funny.
Abortion brownies sounds like a great band.
The red band would probably go C.
Now, Destiny, when you walk into an abortion clinic
and you say, hi, I'm Destiny, do they go, yeah, we know.
Oh, hell yeah, they just give me the touch card.
I'm just saying the name Destiny
sounds like an abortion name, does it not?
I mean, it makes sense, because I was,
you know, my mom was a teen mom, so it makes sense.
Holy shit, how young are we talking?
She was 17.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, you got a fun laugh, did she pass that Ah! Oh. You got a fun laugh.
Did she pass that on?
Does your mom have a fun laugh?
Uh, no.
She's a fun sucker, so she does not have a fun laugh, but uh.
Alright, well thanks for bringing the energy down.
God damn it.
It doesn't even win!
Okay.
Incredible.
What do you do for work now?
Uh, I'm a freelance recruiter.
What do you, how do you freelance recruit?
What the fuck does that mean?
Jesus, what a stupid answer that is.
I work for myself doing nothing for nothing.
Hell yeah.
The fuck are you talking about?
It's like being a whore, but for companies you jump to company to company that's hiring
and you just help them fill roles and then you just fucking keep it going, get your abortion
carry on.
Let's go.
Okay.
Who you vote for?
So John Rice, come see me afterwards. and get your abortion carry on. There you go. Okay.
Who you vote for?
So John Rice, come see me afterwards.
We'll rock that resume of yours.
Hell yeah, you're definitely not gonna have a baby
with her, there you go, all right.
I don't know what's going on here.
How long have you been doing stand up again?
Five years.
Five years, all of it here in Austin?
Half here and half in LA.
Okay.
And what do you love about Austin, Texas?
I think it's cool.
People are a lot of fun.
They like live entertainment.
You know, just a gorgeous city.
A lot of opportunities to go up.
You know the show.
You know Kill Tony.
What do you think is the most interesting thing about you?
What would be something compelling
for you to bring up right now?
I'm really obsessed with AI and cooking.
You can use AI to take a picture of your refrigerator and tell you what to cook, so
I think that's kind of fun.
It's nice.
I mean, it's kind of cool.
Are you afraid of AI?
What are you afraid of?
How about that?
That could be a good topic of conversation at a hot tub party. Afraid of 6th Street. I'm not afraid of AI. I'm definitely
afraid of heights. Afraid of everyone booing me as I walk back to my chair. Hell yeah.
Here you go. I'm going to save you some problems. You had a long run to get here. You were out
of breath. It's tough out here on this street.
Destiny Lelaine, everybody.
There she goes.
I'm gonna save you.
Okay.
I pulled this name out.
Section 109, row zero, C1.
Grant Kelly, everybody.
That's right over there.
Grant Kelly.
Grant Kelly?
Is this happening?
Okay, here we go. Oh shit. It's another long adventure.
Come on, Grant. Speed it up, you weirdo. Jesus fucking Christ.
I got a six-in-muteable audience we have here today. It's lovely. I love it. Oh yeah, look at that.
We got Amy Schumer, Diner Hair Brown tonight. Look at this, everybody. I love it. Oh yeah, look at that. We got Amy Schumer, Diner Hair Brown tonight.
Look at this, everybody. I love it.
It's a real news too out here.
Holy shit.
Oh, we know her.
Oh, the return of Kaylee, Red Rose Legend.
Oh, she microphone cleaner during the pandemic.
Oh, shit. Oh, she's still got it, everybody.
She got her new to come in.
Look at that.
My goodness.
Oh!
Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, we can do that with the fucking pole girls.
That's a smart move.
Here he is.
Grant Kelly, ladies and gentlemen.
Come on, make some noise for him.
Uh oh.
So I've been writing part of the Bro Bible.
I really feel like every man is allowed to shit himself at least once a year.
Let's take it back to 2007.
I'm at a casino in Lake Charles, Louisiana.
Got a lot of beer farts.
We're getting close to this concert stage.
Every time I fart, people moving out of the way,
we're getting close.
Get all the way to the front.
I shit myself.
Guys, I gotta go. So I leave driving, walking back to doing? Bitch get out of the way!
Hey I gotta go, I gotta go. Run to the bathroom. Shits in my pants.
Alright, we gotta back the bear up a few seconds Red Band. Red Band's very excited about this
bear costume. Get out of here bear, get out!
This is a sexy dildo.
Go ahead and put that last dildo in my green room, please.
Ha ha ha ha.
I gotta be honest, this is my favorite comedian we've had so far tonight.
He's got two catchphrases.
He's got pants in my shit, shit in my pants.
And he's got, get away from me, bitch!
Which I feel like you said more than once to a subway employee in the last 48 hours
Why do you look like the lead singer a smash mouth?
And the kid from the Christmas story
I love it dude. Good to see you funny stuff. Thank you. Welcome to the show. How long you been on stand up?
This is my first time ever
Thank you. Welcome to the show.
How long you been on stand up?
This is my first time ever in my life.
Wow.
Wow.
First time ever.
How old are you?
I'm 40.
40?
Is this something you've always wanted to do?
Only after I listen to your show, bro.
Right.
Let's go.
OK.
That's it.
Making dreams come true.
Where do you live?
I live in Beaumont, Texas.
OK.
We got some Beaumont fans in here.
All right. What do you do for work?
I'm a paramedic for an ambulance service.
Okay. Paramedic. Absolutely.
What are we seeing out there in Beaumont?
A lot of fentanyl. What's going on out there?
Some of that. You want to hear the worst whenever?
Of course.
You know the show? Yeah, goddamn right I do.
All right, man.
Well, this one psychiatric gentleman from Bidere, Texas
sawed off his left arm.
He was holding his right arm while he was masturbating.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Yeah, bro.
He sawed off his left arm and did what?
Dutch, Dutch writer?
What'd you call it?
A Dutch writer.
That's not real.
Yeah, dude.
No, 100%.
Hold on a second.
I love that Red Band's calling this bluff.
He's like, I've tried it.
I've Googled it.
It's not real.
Ha ha ha ha.
Thanks, Red Band.
Hold on.
So a guy cut off his arm and fucked his, tried to jerk himself up with that dead hand?
Yeah, bro.
Shut the fuck up.
Three years ago.
Are you fucking serious?
Yes, sir.
So why would anyone ever do that?
It seems like the grip would be extremely loose.
Man, the SSRIs weren't strong enough for him at all that. Oh my god. So he started fucking his left hand
With this right on did he at least use a tourniquet or something like that? No, and actually
Surprisingly, you don't need one if it's a straight cut. You can stop waiting straight cut. Oh my god
Our glory old friend is masturbating right now in the dark
This is the hottest shit I've ever heard of my goddamn life Oh my god, our glory old friend is masturbating right now in the dark past
This is the hottest shit. I've ever heard of my goddamn life. That is
Unbelievable. I'm part of Texas. Are you from?
Belmont. That's the biggest story in Belmont, right? That's the story that gets passed around like somebody coming in the Taco Bell in
1993 Okay, Red Band. Wow. in an arena, you really get to see
how your shit flies.
Well, that's a real question.
I think that's just not real, Tony.
Okay, just yell.
I just heard a bird chirp in section 113
after that fucking question.
Unbelievable.
Now, you said you're 40, right?
Yes, sir.
And correct me if I'm wrong,
but I think I met you on January 6.
You were holding some sort of a two-button.
OK, you're looking at me like you just saw Avatar.
He was the guy holding somebody's left arm,
like, we will not.
There you go.
OK, that's a fun dance.
Now, how many friends know that you have tried stand-up,
Zilch Times? And tonight's the poppin' the cherry time?
Now it's just one, he's up in the audience.
Let's go, dude.
Yeah.
I'm sorry to cut you off.
Are your friends, do they think you're funny,
or are you the funny guy?
Like how often are you sitting around a campfire going,
you guys wanna hear a crazy Beaumont Texas story?
I do have a lot of drunk stories, yes sir. Say Texas story? I do have a lot of drunk stories, yes sir.
Say it again?
I do have a lot of drunk stories, absolutely.
Right, are they funny?
I make people laugh close by, yes sir.
In close quarters, so yeah.
So you got enough confidence to go,
why can't I do it in a fucking arena, right?
Yeah, absolutely.
Now, and your first name again?
Grant.
Greg. Yeah, Grant, with a T. Grant, absolutely. Now, and your first name again? Grant. Greg.
Yeah, Grant.
With a T.
Grant, what would be the thing about you that would probably be funny to us that you might
not have told someone close to you yet?
Like a fun fact, I guess.
Like remember the glory hole guy from earlier?
Something like that, but not as relatable.
Yeah, I can't relate to that one, um
Did the guy comment his left hand
You question Tony. I think we stopped him from doing it brother. Oh to be honest. Wow the ultimate cock block. I
Caught off my fucking arm for this
Yeah, most interesting thing about your entire life, though.
Man, I would honestly be being a paramedic.
Or I'm a father of triplets.
Whoa, look at that.
Oh, hell yeah.
The drummers go crazy for triplets.
They fucking love triplets.
Look at that, very weird.
Oh yeah, guys.
What a weird.
Drummers love triplets. Black guys love triplets, don't they? very weird. Oh yeah, guys. What a weird. Oh yeah. Jumpers love triplets.
Black guys love triplets, don't they?
Hell yeah.
Heck yeah.
There we go.
All right.
Love that.
I love it.
So any special skills or talents,
you seem like a guy that has a couple tricks up his sleeve
or something like that.
Anything?
You have anything about you?
Speak a language or a gummy or...
No, man.
I work a lot of overtime.
You're a real working class man.
I like your style.
You made your Keltoni debut.
There's a joke about...
That's a kitch.
The great debut of Grant Kelly.
Two first timers so far in a fucking arena.
This is crazy.
We're gonna do something fun right now, ladies and gentlemen.
A very special treat for you.
You guys know this next comedian, everybody.
I mean, he was given this spot in front of you.
Golden ticket winner, 2023.
We had a 16 year old on earlier that looks like he's 21.
This is a 21 year old that looks like he's 13.
I present to you the one and only
Arena debut of Team Tornus. So Even with my driver's license, I still have trouble getting into bars and honestly I don't know why.
I'm just a little boy that wants a little dweink.
I know I look young but it's upsetting when I am my license to some bouncer and he just
looks at it like it's made with Crayola. Next time, if my license doesn't work,
I'll have to bring my passport for more proof.
Show it to the bouncer, throw it in his face.
What now?
Detective, get fucked up whether you like it or not.
Next time, I'm gonna bring my license, passport, social security, credit cards, birth certificate,
and a knife.
Because if all that doesn't work, someone's gonna die.
Thank you guys!
Fuck yeah, Heath Cornus!
Hell yeah, dude!
Living the fucking dream!
Living the dream!
We love you, Heath, Heath Cornus. Hell yeah, dude.
Hell yeah!
Living the fucking dream.
Living the dream!
We love you, Heath.
I love you.
I took Heath on the road with me,
and he absolutely crushed, opening in theaters.
Crowd goes wild.
He has a great fucking short set that he does.
Heath, it's a little murder.
Dr. Phil, you ever seen anything like this in your fucking life?
You know, in my second season of the Dr. Phil show,
we had on a kid just like you.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, he was 45.
He had some sort of condition where he looked like a young boy.
And you cured him, right?
You cured him.
No, he passed away six days ago.
But.
Ha ha ha ha.
But.
Ha ha ha. What you doing, too? I passed away six days ago, but... But... What's your turn?
I was a little alley-oop from Heath, but...
Heath, when you get a massage, do you ask for a happy meal ending?
Yeah!
No, I've never seen anything like what you're doing.
You came out with confidence, but you backed it up. You seem like a guy that just understands who he is
and what he's fucking doing.
And I love it.
That's all I could do, Dr. Phil.
Thank you so much.
Well, you're doing it.
God damn.
I don't know what that little fucking creepy look was for,
but I get it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You look like the molesty and the molested in the same body.
But you got jokes per minute, Heath.
And how do you write?
Can you let me in?
Cause I'm not a comedian myself.
I'm a healer and a people pleaser and not in that order.
What the fuck?
Oh shit, okay.
Keith, what, what, what, how do you write?
When you just wake up and go, I'd love to fucking...
I just wake up and I write whatever makes me giggle a little bit.
But honestly, it's not that much.
I'm just kind of sad all the time.
So I just write whatever makes me sad.
Can I tell you something real quick?
That sadness is a great place to start.
Hit me with some sad music real quick.
Here we go. Here's a little sad music with the great John Haines. Heath, you know, if I woke up and looked in the mirror
and saw the kid from Simon Burch,
I'd be a little down in the dumps too.
Yeah?
But you know what you got going for yourself?
What?
A good attitude, a sweet pair of glasses,
and a haircut that says,
yeah, I'll get in your van, but I'm not eating the candy.
Yeah.
And what you figured out real early in life is that Keith
is the best version of Keith.
He can be this time and all the time.
So you keep fucking swimming up that fucking river.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's true.
Keith is a special, special, special man.
Not a lot of people know this, but Heath was made a guy cut off his left arm and jerked himself off with it.
And he came inside of Jeffrey Dahmer's ass.
And then Heath came out nine months later.
I read about that.
Little baby Dahmer.
Tony.
Uh-oh.
I got good news. Okay. You want to hear it? Of course I do Yeah! And finally happened. Oh, oh! We did it!
We did it!
We did it!
On the boat!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah! Ah! We did it! We did it! We did it!
We did it!
Unbelievable!
When did this happen?
Last night!
Last night?
Last night!
This is the end of the world!
We did it!
We did it!
We did it! We did it! Go Johnny! We did it!
Go Johnny!
Awesome Sugar Roe
We did it!
Awesome Sugar Roe
Babe!
Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.
I got a whiff of his fish.
I can confirm.
Yeah.
It was last night.
So what happened last night?
Take us through it.
Where'd you meet this girl?
I went to a very nice ladies hotel.
She a Kill Tony fan?
She's a Kill Tony fan. She came very she's a kill Tony fan she's
her she came in town for the arena yeah she came in town for the arena she
actually signed up I bet she did yeah really yeah if you want to like she
probably tell you about how tiny my penis is do you know what do you think
she should do a minute if you want yeah I think it'd be good
If you want, yeah, I think it'd be good
All right I think it's only right that you introduce her. I don't know she is let's do it. All right. I
Do not know her last name
But give it up for the very beautiful
Celia
Where the fuck is Celia?
Is she in the comedian section?
Where the fuck is she?
Celia!
Celia!
Come on!
Celia! Oh He's the best! He's the best! Yeah!
Yeah!
Oh my god!
Everything they are seeing is live!
Again, we don't like...
I'm 20 grand!
Yeah!
Oh my god!
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for American heroes.
Cynthia!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
You got it all up there.
Hell yeah!
Celia, welcome. You want to do a minute my name is Cynthia
You are a baller, dude.
By the way, did we not hear Heath screaming for her?
Like he was at the end of Titanic?
Celia!
That shit was fucking adorable as fuck. Alright.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for a woman that gave it up for our sweet boy.
This is the Kill Tony debut of Cynthia.
All right.
I only have 60 seconds, right?
I think that's a good enough time to end strong, right?
Tony knows better than anyone else here.
I actually met Tony earlier this month
and I wanted to practice some people
that he flirted with me.
And the response was, what's the big deal?
Isn't he gay?
And honestly, I got offended.
Cause that either means I look like a man or they
think I confused him for a lesbian. And believe me, believe me, I know lesbians. And if Tony
was a lesbian, I don't think he would have voluntarily chosen that sex size. You know,
my mom hates when I mention lesbianism. She tells me, you know, I want you to find a good man, Cynthia.
And honestly, I don't think I should be taking advice
from the woman who's flatter than Amy Schumer's heartbeat.
It's gonna be in 10 years.
All right, Heath, start us off.
That wasn't great.
I love it.
Cynthia, go stand next to your sweet, sweet Cynthia over there.
I absolutely love this.
I absolutely love this.
So you guys met last night for the first time?
Yes.
Love.
Where's love?
This is absolutely incredible.
So Heath, what happens here?
You went to a bar for a drink?
Well, how does it go down?
We banged immediately.
Wow.
Oh my God.
I love it.
Well, was your pick-up line, Heath?
What'd you say to Cynthia to get her juices flowing?
I didn't even have to say anything.
It was just immediate.
It was amazing.
This show changed his life.
Are you saying you didn't say, hey,
have you seen my mom or dad anywhere nearby?
No.
I didn't even have to mention my father or mother.
You just walked in as you picked up
on what you were putting down.
She was completely into the idea of fucking a kid.
It was amazing.
This is absolutely incredible.
I have a mommy kink.
All right.
So, Heath, you say you just went straight into it.
Like, is there like a first base, second base,
or you just absolutely showed up with a condom on?
What goes on?
I went to every base you would allow me to go.
OK.
Yeah.
Oh, you went to the bullpen player
And then the dugout yeah
Hell yeah, so he's how long did you last?
I'm not long maybe three minutes at most. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty good three or four times
He actually lasted a pretty long time
I like that.
I love that. And he eats good pussy.
Unbelievable. I absolutely fucking love it.
Can I ask a question, Tony?
Yeah.
Heath, I'm trying to upgrade my pussy eating game, OK?
Can you give me a couple quick tips?
You just got to gnaw on it.
Like, you don't need anything else.
No. OK, that's enough, Heath.
Yeah.
Wait, wait.
With your teeth?
No.
Yeah.
No.
No, Heath. Arararar trying to open a UPS package motherfucker
No, stop doing that
It's not a bowl of Captain Crunch. It's a vagina
Okay, so no so na on it. Is that what you said? Yeah, no
So you lost your virginity last night I did wow just for tonight
You watched your virginity last night? I did.
Wow.
Just for tonight.
I needed a story.
Did you use the condom?
I did not.
We might get pregnant.
We might have babies.
What the fuck is happening right now?
I know.
This child just said we might have babies.
We might have babies. We might have babies.
Wow, this is incredible.
Cynthia, are you on any kind of birth control?
I'll take that one, Tony, no.
No.
Oh my goodness.
This is incredible.
But I live in New York,
so it's legal to get an abortion.
Yeah, there you go.
All right, well, I'll tell you what, Cynthia.
Your set was just okay,
but since you gave it up to Heath,
here's a big joke book.
What a great alley you've there, oh my God.
I love it.
I fucking love it.
Put that mic back in the mic stand there.
Can Keith, can you fix the mic stand for us?
How about one more time
for the great and powerful Heath Cordes, everybody?
And we're gonna keep it rolling right the fuck along,
just like that.
How about a hand for Jill White here taking pictures.
Yeah, baby, shout out Jesus.
Section 119, Pablo T. Everybody, Pablo T. Where the fuck is 119?
119. Oh god, this is gonna be another out of breath, motherfucker.
Section 119, Pablo T. Maybe we'll pre-pool.
Yeah.
We're going to start to pre-pool here.
Okay.
How about a hand for Dr. Phil, everybody?
Having a great time.
Having a great bucket time.
And another hand for Heidi from the Yellow Rose
on the ring card.
Yeah.
There she goes, there goes Cynthia.
On her way to check her cell for an STD.
From Heath.
He wasn't wearing protection last night.
No surprise.
And he eats pussy like a rabbit in carrots from the garden.
Here's Pablo T, ladies and gentlemen,
from the other side of the arena
What the fuck is up, hv?
Solid choice for a grocery store. It's a lot better than fucking Walmart
Y'all ever been to Walmart late on a Saturday evening
It's like the fucking Lord of the Rings orcs and the fucking lot lizards at your typical Texas highway had a baby, like a bunch of fucking babies. They just
left them at Walmart, like a fucking daycare or something. But anyways, I've been back
in Texas. I used to live here when I was younger. My political views kind of lean to the left. A lot like my cog.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
But much like my cog.
And Texas, a beautiful state of Texas.
I'm leaning towards the right more guys.
Yes sir.
Show them 2024.
I'm just fucking.
I'm playing to the crowd right now honestly.
But yeah, that's all I got guys. I'm just fucking, I'm playing to the crowd right now, I'm just...
But, uh, yeah, that's all I got, guys.
All right, very mediocre set from Pablo T.
Pablo, how long have you been doing stand-up?
This is my first comedy show, my first time ever doing stand-up in my life.
Wow, okay. Have you ever done anything on stage before?
Yeah, I've performed in this building in the center
ring riding motorcycles in a cage at a circus. Okay I could kind of see that you
seem fearless with no material. Dr. Phil? Didn't I throw a paper towel to you in Puerto Rico? I did not know. I'm not going to say Colombiano, but... Okay, okay, okay. Take it easy.
No, I was impressed by your poise, okay?
I was like when someone approaches the mic with a purpose.
You came in hot with a lot of Walmart material.
Yeah, I just thought of H-E-B on the way over here,
wrote it down on my little note app and just went with it.
Let's go. And are you working at Walmart currently?
No, I actually do reads.
I'm kind of just traveling around, making content,
going to events, like fucking kill Tony Nureziv
show, main event, night one.
Yeah.
It's amazing.
There you go.
OK, Pablo.
And what's something interesting about you
that we would be surprised of in the fact
that you ride motorcycles in a cage?
I'm an amateur boxer of sorts.
Oh, OK.
Can we get some boxing music and show us
a little shadow boxing from Pablo T?
Here he is.
Oh, whoa.
Oh my.
Whoa.
Oh my goodness. Wow. my, whoa. Oh my goodness.
Wow.
Ah yeah.
Mediocre.
Yeah.
Amateur, amateur, amateur.
Based on that performance,
I think I could take you in Mike Parson's munch out.
Ty said whoever he is.
Okay, so Pablo, how old are you?
I'm 27.
Okay.
Yeah, just got out of a relationship. I was in for four and a half years. Four and a half years. So how old are you? I'm 27. Okay. Yeah.
Just got out of a relationship.
I was in for four and a half years.
Four and a half years.
How recently did you get out of it?
On my birthday, which was in June.
Okay.
How did it end?
Was it her idea or your idea?
I'd say it was her idea.
Yeah.
How did she break up with you?
Be a text, phone call, in person?
Nah.
I was kind of finding, I found out that she did something on my birthday.
Did she, did she fuck Keith?
Was that Cynthia?
Was that your ex?
Celia!
Celia!
I'll take you to Walmart, I promise!
You know who I fucking was?
Who?
Anigo Montoya, that guy that's done stand up up here with the fucking Metallica shirt.
No way.
You know what I'm talking about?
What?
Anigo Montoya, the guy who wears Metallica shirts, he's done stand up up here a couple
times.
You're wearing a Metallica shirt.
You know that?
Yeah.
They inspired me to do that.
The guy that fucked your girlfriend?
Yes, sir.
Inspired you to wear a Metallica shirt?
Yeah.
I thought it was like a fucking funny connection.
I'm so confused.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
Here's a huddle joke book.
Except the Sandman.
Oh, the first drop of the night, Pablo T. Yikes.
We're gonna fix the energy in the room right now, ladies and gentlemen.
We have another legend of Kill Tony.
This woman has always fucking made history on the show one of the most interesting creatures
We've ever found famous for being on many episodes of kill Tony
She was on kill Tony mania multiple times one of the most interesting characters in the history of the show
You die hard Bansal know or you love her. It's the one and only Nicole Tran, everyone.
Oh, the Asian people with a standing ovation.
Nicole Tran, live in the flesh.
So happy to be back in Austin. Looks like all of the good looking people.
People call Dallas the Big D, but nobody call Austin the Big A because that name is already
taken by Kim Kardashian.
Nếu tôi đi vào thằng thằng thằng, tôi nói,
làm tôi nhìn như một người tốt bằng phim, như K. Perry, Taylor Swift,
và thằng này tôi có một con con bằng phim.
Đó là mộtơi rất tốt.
Mẹ cơ sân bình bình nói,
Hello to you Tony.
Mẹ cơ sân, mẹ bình bình.
Mẹ cơ sân bình bình chỉ 5 phút thôi.
Nhưng cô ấy biết cậu khóa,
who can make her look 5-8.
I heard on the radio the news says there's a mattress in Boxspring in the freeway in West L.A. I thought it was strange because Bing Bing said she wasn't moving until tomorrow.
I did a comedy show for women for recovery group. I murdered that crowd.
I hope they recover.
Uh-uh-uh.
All right.
I murdered so much men.
One time you will see me on the America Most Wanted Place.
Jesus Christ.
All right.
Okay.
Keep going.
Keep going.
Senator.
Tonight, we're looking for the contract she fight to with Paul McConaughey.
High five.
High five. with Paul McConaughey haircut.
Oh, hi, Fai! Hi, Fai!
Hi, Fai from West Hollywood to Austin.
Big A.
All right, Bear. Get out of here. Get out of here.
It's annoying.
Hi.
Hi, Tony. I'm so happy to see you guys.
You look fabulous.
Look at the show. All the people show up for Kill Joni 2023.
I have a lovely Happy New Year song for you all. You ready? You prepared a song? Yeah. Here she is.
Famous for her surprisingly good songs. This. You need the band for this? Yeah. Just go along with
me please. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, live in a fucking arena,
Kill Tony legend, Nicole Tran, everybody.
Here we go. Words are true, here we are, me and you.
Feeling lost and feeling blue.
It's the end of the party.
And the morning seems so great, so alive
Yesterday, now the time for us to say
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
I will never forget this
Happy New Year! I think I got a massage from you In Grand Theft Auto
Sometimes I see how the brave me would price How we twice in the air, snow, my life is the end of 2023.
And an order ten year time who can say what we find?
What lies waiting down July?
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! Happy, happy, happy
Happy, happy, happy
Wow!
Woo!
Oh
My artistry I have created some merch for my cousin Bing Bing.
Please support me at the show.
I have some hoodies too for blue-eyed white guys and green-eyed white guys.
Please help me to get an airplane ticket back.
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year! One more time for Bing Bing!
Oh my God!
Oh, she does that!
Tomorrow I sing another song for you all!
That is not on the schedule for tomorrow!
Totally different show tomorrow.
Way to try to jump in there.
But you'll do something with the band on the pre-roll.
Okay.
Okay, very good.
Thank you so much for coming.
And if you have Instagram, please follow me
and really click your support to be booking comedy clubs.
Okay.
You're called Tran Comedy.
Nicole Tran Comedy, there you fucking go.
She always has a lot of flugs at the end.
Happy New Year.
Everybody. Happy New Year everybody!
Happy New Year!
Look what you've done Tony!
Nicole, get the fuck out of here!
Okay!
I taught you to fight and made you be Maxine your mom!
I got my, got my, got my, got my!
Beep beep!
Alright, there she goes.
Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen.
We've played pool.
I got a name back.
Make some noise for your next bucket pool.
Edward Cirovitz, ladies and gentlemen.
Edward Cirovitz.
Edward. zero bits Edward
zero
We have Edward
I'm gonna hand for these great card girls tonight Jesus Christ almighty
What the fuck
Make some noise for Edward everybody Hey, how's it, fuck? Make some noise for Edward, everybody!
Hey, how's it going, Texas?
Anybody smoking weed out there tonight?
Yeah, it's not legal here, so I guess that means you still gotta deal with an old fashioned weed dealer. Anyways, I used to have a weed dealer. He sold weed
on Instagram, which I thought was ironic, because if you wanted a gram, it was not instant.
He would hit you back like two, three days later. Like, hey, you still need that? No. Anyways, needless to say, he's not in business anymore.
He got shot.
But yeah, I don't smoke anymore and I don't get the big hype about weed.
Because I drink now and people say weed is a miracle drug.
But alcohol, I had two drinks this morning, cured my hangover. Thank you.
Wow, what the fuck, Edward?
Oh my God, unbelievable.
This is a fucking tough crowd we got here tonight.
They are not holding back their booze.
This is incredible.
Edward, have you done stand up before?
No, sir. Holy shit. Look at your face, dude. This is incredible. Edward, have you done stand up before? No, sir.
Holy shit.
Look at your face, dude.
That is something else, bro.
All right, all right, all right.
Give me a chance to, you know, breathe or something.
What's your first name again?
Edward.
Edward, all right.
Do you ever go by Ed or Eddie or?
No, I go by my middle name, Andy.
OK.
Yes, sir. Fuck yeah. Edward. Sounds like they hate that even more.
Oh, so are you ever Andy? Like when are you Andy and when are you Edward?
Oh, I'm Andy always just Edward by government name. Now I love that. Andy
always sounds like the name of your sitcom. Now what would that be about?
Andy always sounds like the name of your sitcom. Now, what would that be about?
Drinking. Okay.
You're a heavy drinker, huh?
Little bit.
So like, what did you drink last night, for example?
Um, a lot of Jack Daniels.
How much?
Probably about half the bottle.
About a liter?
Half a liter or?
Yeah, the 750.
Okay, 750.
Okay, you mix that with Okay, 750. Okay.
You mix that with anything?
Ice.
Okay.
And when did you start drinking like this?
When I saw Smoky.
When was that?
About a year and a half ago.
Okay.
Oh, this crowd.
It's ruthless.
Edward, we're going to get you out of here quick.
No, Ryan, it's here. This crowd is hate. It's ruthless Edward. We're gonna get you out of here quick
The ones that suck always drop the book
Incredible you can set it to a fucking watch. We pre-pulled. We have another name ready Nikki Coleman everybody
Kilt Tony 60 seconds Nikki Coleman. We fly through it sometimes You guys like it when I move fast, right? Yeah.
Nikki Coleman is the next, here on Kiltony. Come on, when I say the name, fucking it by th- What's the point of pre-polling, goddammit?
Nikki Coleman.
Nikki fucking Coleman. Guys, I have a staff of 40 people. I swear to god, nobody does anything.
Here's Nikki Coleman. Oh, fuck. Yeah, here we go. Oh
Hell yeah, make some noise for Nikki Coleman everybody
How y'all doing I'm Nikki and I'm from the Lord, Mississippi
That mean with a population 1500 and I related to 1498 of them motherfuckers
And I related to 1498 of them motherfuckers
I moved already Texas is I had dick on the little way and I just made my last payment so welcome Austin Texas
I'm also a retired Cuba that mean I used to like them before they fucked up they credit I
Had to stop fuck with them young dudes because when I turn 40 I realized it's some shit that don't work no more like my black. When I coughed and laughed
and sneezed too hard, I pealed a little bit. And I had this young dude roll me this fat
ass loud blunt. And for everybody that's the police, I'm a comedian and these are just
fucking jokes. But anyways, he rolled his labla and tried
to go downtown on me.
And I said, stop, boy.
He said, what?
You can't handle it.
I said, no.
You don't think I squirted in your face
till you smelled it asparagus?
I asked a lush boy.
And then you don't want to kiss me?
I ain't going to kiss your pissy ass face.
I smelled it asparagus.
Before all y'all women had got that problem, the pins make flowers and thorns.
You could be pretty and pissy at the same time.
Bitch, be proud.
My name is Nikki Coleman.
I'm from Mississippi.
Thank you, guys.
There you go.
Mayor, get out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get out of here.
Hell, yeah.
I liked your style, Nikki Coleman.
You have grown so much since the beginning of the show.
Thank you. I remember when your style, Nikki Coleman. You have grown so much since the beginning of the show.
Thank you.
I remember when your hair was much shorter,
your arm wasn't broken.
I know, that's from sucking dick too hard.
Oh my God, I love your style.
I'm looking for my first white man.
I ain't never had a white man.
You know why?
Why?
Because I think all white men, penises,
look like boot-an sausage.
Oh. And I ain't racist, I penises look like Buddha in sausage.
Oh. And I ain't racist, I just don't like Buddha in his nasty as fuck.
Damn.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
But you got Dr. Phil.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the fuck is a boo rang?
Oh, that's from...
Where all my Louisiana people in here to know what Buddha in sausage is?
Okay.
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
What the fuck?
So, are they big or small?
They just ain't dark enough.
Oh my.
They ain't thick enough.
You know what Kinecta sausage is?
What'd you call me?
Google it.
Okay.
I like her tone and she's spastic.
Oh my goodness.
Black Barbie has arrived.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
There's too many white people in here tonight.
My name ain't Niki.
It's Nicole with a C-H.
Okay.
All right.
I gotta blend in.
You're amazing.
How long have you been doing stand-ups?
Seven years.
Seven years. In Louisiana?
Mississippi, baby.
Wow. Did you come here just for this?
I came here because my spirit told me to leave the fuck out of Mississippi and come to Austin.
I ain't never been here a day in my life.
That is amazing. When did you get here?
I got here Saturday. This is my weekend anniversary. Hey!
Wow.
Play that music, shit.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.
Oh. Oh.
All right, all right.
Santa rams, all right.
I fucking love it.
This is amazing. Well, I'm amazing on purpose all the motherfucking time. I love
it. Wow. So you got here Saturday. Are you like moving here? You're just moved here.
I did. I picked up. I said, fuck them kids. I came to all the the Texas. My goodness, look at this. A black mother acting like a black father.
Incredible.
I'm telling you, say.
Hold on, I got two kids and three baby daddies.
I don't know what that means, but goddamn it,
it means something.
Y'all hear me?
Oh, shit.
Now I know how you broke your arm.
I told you, suck a dick too hard.
Oh my god.
Wow.
What do you do for a living?
I'm a professional standup comedian and disabled veteran.
You're a veteran?
Wow, amazing.
I just wish God would have told me I was funny
before I paid them two nones back
and got that master's degree in civil engineering.
I did all that shit for him to say,
bitch, you funny.
Look at that.
You got a master's in Mississippi?
Master's from the Mississippi State University.
The best engineer in school there is.
Wow.
People like you used to have master's in Mississippi.
I know, right?
I know.
Hold on.
We are live, ladies and gentlemen.
That's right.
Hold on.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
We'll be right back
You see these like color eyes of this light skin. I was in the house. Oh, I love it. I love it Oh, not to mention that beautiful blonde hair. I don't know how you got that. That's incredible. That came straight from Salis, baby
Military discount.
I love it.
You've got fucking incredible energy.
Thank you.
So your kids are experiencing what you're bringing
to the table, yeah?
They must adore you.
Do they know you're doing that?
My kids and my grandkids, yeah.
Let's go.
They're gonna play with what's got grandkids.
Oh, shit.
I don't know if you should be doing that
around the grandkids, but I digress.
What about stand-up spoke to you?
Well, you know what when my husband left me for a man, it ain't too much shit stand up can't say to you. Oh
We'll be right back again
Holy shit, did you know the man he lived for?
Nah, I guess he was pretty in him, you know.
Well, how long ago was this?
About 10 years.
I'm a third husband, I'm toxic.
Okay.
I figured he ain't doing this to me.
Your honesty is beautiful.
It's full.
Honest is full.
Oh my God.
So let me ask you this.
He was gay, but he was with you for a while.
Did he, was he the one that recommended you cut your hair short?
Nah, I got a super pal.
I like to make mean and some bitches overnight.
Oh my god.
Look at that.
You are adorable.
Look at you, you little fucking Mississippi fucking.
Oh, whoa.
Oh my whoa. Oh, my God. Follow-up question.
The husband that left you for a guy,
was there something about the way you were, you know,
sucking him off that made him want a guy's mouth instead?
Hell, no.
He ain't got shit to do with me.
I just ain't had what he want, because I can't grow a dick.
Well, not with that attitude.
Ha.
So what kind of guy are you into?
What's your current dream guy?
Great question.
My beautiful man left his job in Mississippi to follow me all the way here in Austin, Texas.
Wow.
He's right up there.
Oh, shit.
Where he is.
Amazing.
He said fuck that job.
She get benefits.
Hell yeah.
What's up player? They're putting spotlight on him. He get to use that, she get benefits. Hell yeah.
What's up player, they're put a spotlight on him.
He can use that GI Billing on the train.
Oh my god, that is one of the darkest human beings.
Look, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second,
wait a second, wait a second.
He looks, stand up again sir.
Stand up, he looks exactly like his shadow behind him.
Look at that.
Look at his shadow at 114.
I can't tell which one switched.
That motherfucker is dark.
Oh my God.
Oh shit, dude.
Oh my God.
Look at that.
That's all right.
He don't never need a flash when he take a picture
when he needs to meet him.
Hell, there is nothing Boudin about that sausage.
That a goddamn thing.
Wow, you are something else.
I've heard of a Doja Cat.
I'd never heard of a Doja Cougar before.
Well, shit, you better know it.
Oh, my real.
Real.
Oh, damn.
All right.
OK.
And my name, Nikki.
Oh, shit.
But my name, Nicole.
Wow.
My goodness gracious.
Have your kids heard you do jokes?
Do they know you're funny?
Or are you just mom to them?
Like what do you say?
Are you this edgy around kids?
I'm this way all the time.
All day, every day.
Good for you.
I was born like this.
I look gay, but I don't do pussy.
I just look like this. I'm one of
them old fashioned tomboy who just wanted to climb the trees. I ain't one of you
no pussy. Okay. Wow. Right. Motorcycles and shit like that. Yeah, I was the same
way. No pussy. Just old trees. Yeah. Your headline tells a story that no one else
knows. I appreciate you. Thanks for taking an interest. taking an interest. It's this type of respect, Nicole,
that I think is gonna set you apart
from the rest of the comedians in the game
because you've got a savviness to you,
but you're also a listener.
You know what I'm saying?
I watch your mouth.
Okay.
I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.
That's what I'm talking about.
Welcome to Austin, Texas. You got one in, you ready?
Oh, it's okay. It's all good. Thank you guys. I love you. Make some fucking noise for Nikki Coleman.
She's the newest resident of Austin, Texas. Congrats. And it just keeps moving along. Ladies and
gentlemen, it is that time for one of your most esteemed regulars in the history of the show.
An absolute fucking sensation.
Here, with a brand new 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen,
this is the one and only, one of the great regulars of the show's history.
Cam Patterson! I
White bitch you believe now white bitches. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it
And this shit this shit is insane, bro. I really love
Don't go right now life This shit is the crazy thing of it.
The best part about life right now
is going on the road with Tony, man.
We always go to all these,
the one place he went to, he was in Phoenix.
And it looked just like this place.
There was no black people at all.
And I was like, we're all the black people.
And they say, it was like, welcome, nigga.
We were looking for you.
Welcome to the show, baby.
And then somebody just went, you made it, nigga.
And I don't know who said that, but it wasn't black.
And that was scary.
That was terrifying.
I wouldn't tell you this, but before I became a comedian,
I wanted to be a, I wanted to go to the NBA.
And I knew I could go to NBA one,
cause I'm too short, but two.
Because I played my uncle in the basketball and he beat me.
He was like 47 years old and I was 16.
And after he beat me, he was like, you know, he's got beat by a former crack head, right?
And then my dad, he was like, he not no former crack head.
He did crack before the game.
That means I got beat by nigga on crack though
And I should know he was on crack because I'm a ass up there a man passed the rock you like what rock did you talk about?
Now that's it
Fuck yeah, minute 18 from the great camp Patterson unbelievable
So good How's it going cam? How does this feel? This is crazy. I need to pick my money up
A hell of an entrance a true showman absolutely incredible
real new
Yeah, so good in motherfucker
Before? Yeah.
Soak it in, motherfucker.
Soak it in.
How long you been traveling with white bitches?
You said what?
How long you been traveling with white bitches?
Oh, so I've been on a road with tone.
I bring two women every time I go somewhere.
OK.
That's what's up?
It's part of the process.
It's on my rider.
Yeah.
Now, did you trade in the rocks for bitches,
or do you still have those?
Oh, let's go.
Come on, right?
Oh, shit. Come on, Claire. Come on, Oh, let's go. Come on, right?
Oh, shit.
Come on, let's go.
Come on, don't stop, baby.
Come on, man.
Come on, bro.
Come on, man.
I love it.
That was me who screamed welcome N-word at the Phoenix show, by the way.
Thanks for letting me get away with it.
Tony?
Amazing, yeah.
Now, what's going on, Cam?
Tell us more.
Anything else going on this week? What else has happened in your life? Man, no, what's going on cam tell us more anything else going on this week
What else has happened in your life?
No, this is all I'm all my life trying to prepare for this goddamn show you guys in yep
And basically, you know, I said hey, they like what I'm talking about a shit like that
That's this shit. This shit is crazy. You're doing good my friend. Yeah, you're doing great. They love you, dude
They fucking love you
She started something right there
It is amazing it must have been exciting to watch your mom kill before you came out here
And that's your heart of fuck my mom and my dad that's heart and foot. Yeah, that guy is something else. That guy could be your dad for sure.
That is my dad.
That's the other one.
I love it, Cam.
I mean, you're fucking doing it.
You're living the dream, sold out shows.
Everything you do turns to fucking gold.
You're killing it.
I don't even know what else to fucking say.
You know, I saw you were in Hollywood a few weeks back,
selling out the improv just on a whim.
What was that like?
Had you been to Los Angeles before?
That was my second time there, but that shit was crazy.
You know what I'm saying?
To be able to go there and do some shit like that, it's historic.
You know what I'm saying?
But I can't, I didn't think y'all, you feel me?
I love all you crackers, real shit.
We love you.
Y'all my favorite.
They're gonna talk to you, man.
Yep.
The old crackers, the old Boudin sausages.
That's what I like to call them.
I've always called them that, the old Boudins, you know what I mean?
Did you go to Disneyland while you were there, Cam?
Nah, I got Disneyland one from.
Then why would I go there?
Why would I go to the fake one?
Yeah, that's the one, man.
Just a simple question, player.
What's going on, man?
You good? Well, Disneyland's, you know, a simple question player. What's going on, man? You good?
Well, Disneyland's, you know, it's the original.
Nah, fuck Disneyland, man. Didn't the world.
What is it called? Didn't the world, nigga? Fuck Disneyland, man.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Hey, everyone, shut the fuck up.
What does Disney World have that Disneyland doesn't?
I ain't been there in a long time, but it's better
because I'm from there. Fuck that place.
Okay.
Yeah, more parks. More parks. More parks.
You from Orlando too.
Right, okay.
More people, nigga, we winning.
But we have more Mexicans playing like Goofy and Captain Hook, you know?
Are there a lot of black people in Orlando?
Hell yeah, come on. Hell yeah.
Jesus, I thought it was the most magical place on earth.
Sounds... Sounds terrible to me.
I mean, I knew they had mice and shit, but Jesus.
I love it.
Anything else, Cam?
No, that's it.
But I'm happy to be here.
You're absolutely killing it.
We'll do it again tomorrow night.
Great to see you, Cam.
The legend, the best.
Absolutely amazing what this fucking guy does.
Beats on beats, punchlines on punchlines, week after week after week.
That's the real life fucking, that's the future and the present.
One more time for Camp Patterson, huh?
Alright, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Pedro Loiza, everybody.
Make sense for Pedro. I got him. I got him.
I got him.
I got him.
I got him.
I got him.
I got him.
I got him.
There you go.
Guys, give it up for Pedro Loiza!
Hi.
I went to Columbia with my dad last year.
That was pretty fun.
I went there because he's from there and I like his accent cuz on the plane ride
pronounces the words tourist and terrorist the exact same
Like what fuck and it's pretty cool and when we got to Columbia my dad was telling me about all the beautiful women there
But the only hot woman I met were my cousins. It was really weird
Best sex ever.
Anyway, um.
Yeah, yeah, no, I also got to meet my grandpa,
that was pretty cool,
and the whole time he's kept calling me,
MadiKon.
I thought he was saying American with an accent.
The whole time he's kept calling me, Faggot,
and the whole time I was like, yeah, I'm proud of my decorum.
Thank you.
Guys, one more time for Pedro Lonesa!
Pedro, it's good to see you again.
How are you?
I'm great.
How old are you, Pedro?
I'm 18. 18.
Holy shit.
Did you say 22? He said 18. He's 18. Yeah. So he's too old for you,
red men. All right. Now, Pedro, guys, welcome back Tony Hitchcliff to the
stage.
Pedro, how long have you been doing stand up comedy? Since I was 16.
Okay. So two years.
Yes, sir.
And what do you love about it, Pedro?
What's bringing you joy?
Uh, hearing you guys laugh, that was pretty nice.
He did good. 18-year-olds only did good.
Lot of laughs, Tony.
I had to pee.
I got one of those fucking IV drips today.
They don't fuck around.
Ultra-hydration.
He had a classic kill Tony said.
He made fun of himself
He said the word faggot then he talked about his family
Hell yeah, look at you it's been a long time since we had a boy on that looks like Rosie O'Donnell. This is incredible
That's right
What ethnicity are you?
Colombian. Oh, okay. That explains the fucking fatty eskibar look you got going on.
My goodness.
What do you do for work?
Um, a loader at Lowe's.
You're what?
A loader at Lowe's.
A Lowe's loader, Tony.
Oh, yeah.
What are you loading, Pedro?
Um, a lot of legal immigrants, uh, most of them.
Oh, shit. That was funny. We'll keep that in.
Now...
It's interesting you work at Lowe's.
You look like you have downs.
Um...
It's like a low-downs... low-downs.
All right, I'm bombing it in arena. Good.
Okay, this is what it feels like. All right.
Oh-ho. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, uh, I love your chick. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
If she bursts into the screen right now,
Kool-Aid style, I'd shit my pants.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
Uh...
Pedro, what's your New Year's resolution?
Happy New Year.
Oh, it's not on me, okay.
I wanna get laid with a white chick.
You do?
Have you ever been with a white woman in any way?
Yeah.
In what way?
Like, just like middle school, we were just like, yeah, we're boyfriend and girlfriend,
but no, no kissing, she wasn't ready for that.
No kissing.
Any, any heavy-
Is there a white woman out there that wants to kiss this fucking guy, huh?
Kill Tony fans are the absolute best.
Do we have a white woman out there, anyone willing to give this 18-year-old a kiss on
the lips, huh?
Anyone?
You'll be a legend in comedy history.
Anyone?
You gotta want to do it.
This gal right here in the red glasses and the frizzy hair.
Oh, that would be the best.
Even on the hand or the cheek.
Oh, here she comes.
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, my god.
Holy fucking shit.
Please.
Please.
Wow. Coltaffle shit. Please, please.
Wow.
Colt Gitter.
Yeah.
How about a hand for the great Bones Eye right there in the flesh.
Let's have it.
There he is.
Atrean Kavazos.
Oh, look at little Heath going in for...
Oh, shit.
Celia!
Celia! Celia, new year!
The remix!
Celia, new year!
I got some pussy!
That's gonna be my new ringtone.
You sound just like him.
I got pussy!
Oh my god, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh my fucking god.
Dreams really do come true.
Wait, wait, Pedro, hold on to that mic, player.
Hold on to that mic.
Pedro, bring that mic.
Oh my god.
Now, on the Dr. Phil show, we've never done this before.
But on the Kill Tony show, anything fucking goes.
So that's why we're here right now.
Holy shit, sweetheart, what is your name?
Cat.
Cat.
Oh my god, I wouldn't have guessed that.
You look like you drive the magic school bus.
You look like you also fix the magic school bus.
What do you do, Kat?
I work to redesign schools inside juvenile justice
facility.
Oh, an American hero.
Happy new year.
Oh, my god.
Now, have you ever kissed a stranger before?
Sure.
OK.
Don't fucking question.
That's on me.
Not since I've been married.
Whoa.
This guy's cool.
I can tell he's got real cuck energy.
He's into this right now.
He's cool, dude.
Glasses, beer, tattoos to the wrist.
He's laughing.
He's happy.
There goes this bun super villain.
Look at this creeper boy coming back to his seat. What did I miss? beer, tattoos to the wrist, he's laughing, he's happy. There goes this Bond super villain.
Look at this creeper coming back through his seat.
What did I miss?
I found the end adult.
We got Joe Rogan's stepson walking back through his seat.
Look at this fucking door.
Oh my God.
Just had to go to the bathroom,
inject some testosterone real quick, you know what I mean?
Yeah, we'll get you some on it, player.
Keep it together.
Now, sir, stand up and show the audience the cool husband
That's letting this wife kiss a stranger come on
Look at this guy
Okay, stand up turn around fall 360. Yeah, look at that guy
That's a big deal. Hey, that's a big deal because
Tricks on you you're on a new game show called Cat's Gonna Blow This Guy.
So, no, I'm just kidding.
We have, it's not that, but okay.
Anything else before we let this happen to me?
I'm just gonna say that if you want the crowd
to go really wild, it's gotta be a fucking good-ass kiss.
We've done this many times before.
The show's famous for giving people
their fucking first kiss, their fucking...
She's representing all my first kiss.
All what women?
Well, no, we know it's not your first kiss.
It's your first white woman kiss.
Right, right.
Pedro, are you nervous?
Uh, no.
Okay, Kat, are you excited?
I'm excited.
I do have to tell you that I'm like 99.6% Irish, so like, you couldn't go whiter.
Oh. Wait, she's 99.6% Irish? Yeah like you couldn't go white.
Wait, she's 99.6% Irish?
Yeah.
And so you can't what?
White.
Right.
It is about as white as it gets.
No doubt about it.
I'm pretty sure that, I'm pretty sure he's thinking Irish.
It was anybody else in the audience right now.
But, yeah.
You gotta go. You know. Happy New Year. But, yeah, you gotta go.
I think that's a look.
Yeah.
Alright, you guys excited?
I think we should make this happen.
You want to do it?
Yes, sir.
Cat and Pedro!
Let's fucking go!
Oh, shit!
Wow! A magical moment. I need you, I need you Me, Sammy, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me That's, we really blew our low round now. That was ridiculous.
Just for two people with big hair and a kiss for a second.
Oh my God, how do you feel right now, Pedro?
The same.
You're a funny fucking guy, dude.
I like your style.
It's a shame that I missed your set because I had to pee, but I'll tell you, you're gonna
get a big joke book.
You're gonna get some Zipix.
How long you been doing stand up?
Since I was 16.
Since you were 16.
So you've been doing it two years.
So how about you ever perform at the Mothership?
No sir.
Do you live here?
Uh, I live in Dallas.
So you can make the drive?
Yes sir.
How about Tuesday night, you make your comedy Mothership debut.
You're gonna do a show called Bottom of the Barrel where you improvise topics that are the audience puts in a fucking barrel
The Booker the mother ship will be there if you do good. It might just change your fucking life. There he goes Pedro
He was almost gonna cry Tony
He was almost gonna cry Tony. That was fucking swells a big deal.
We're making James come true.
He was also gonna cry when he saw Cat walking up to the stage, but two different kinds of
tears there.
How about one more time for Cat?
Fuck yeah.
I like your style, Cat.
Alright, another bucket pull.
Right?
Oh, you know what?
Let's wait on this.
We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen.
Um, okay.
I don't mind the bucket pool girl coming out.
How about another ham-for-sable, everybody?
These fucking chicks are unbelievable.
Alright, a special treat for y'all.
Egg, another Keltoni legend.
Colt from Dallas, remember he kicks things.
One's trying to kick a water bottle off of Jeremiah's head
and miss and kick Jeremiah.
Pretty epic.
All right, a special treat for y'all.
One of the darkest forces in all of comedy.
He did a minute at the 10-year anniversary episode.
If you guys have ever seen a show at the comedy mothership, you've probably seen this man.
If you've ever seen a show at the comedy store, you've probably seen this man.
Your favorite comedians, favorite comedians, ladies and gentlemen,
let's see how loud this place can get for the dark horse Brian Holzman Oh yeah baby
Celia
Thanks for the fucking noise for Holzman
If that little boy can fuck this bitch, oh fuck her too. It's a good bitch,
good bitch. Fuck that shit. Welcome, welcome to the...
Welcome, welcome to the......
Yeah, the retards know what I said.
I want to loosen you up before I start, so...
If you're a guy out there, just pull out your dick, and all you bitches get on your knees and suck it!
Suck that dick! It'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it'll be your last blow job and it I'm sick of hearing about climate change. When am I supposed to walk here all the way from dripping fucking springs?
Get your, get your re-backed and richer.
What am I supposed to do?
The temperature of the ocean is rising.
I'm still gonna piss in there when I go to the beach.
I might even take a shit.
I might even take a shit. I might even take a shit.
I need shower.
I need hot water.
I need a gasoline.
I need electricity.
I need condoms, bitch.
You ever fuck a sheep without a condom?
I don't recommend it.
I can't do anything about the climate. Stop telling me about the climate.
I can't do anything about the climate.
And I can't do anything about those weather girls
on television either. Why do you about the climate and I can't do anything about those weather girls on television either
Why do you need high heels and tight clothes and big fucking kids to tell me what the fucking weather is?
Well, it's gonna be mild out today and the wind is coming out of the south
No, show me those big tits
Show me those big fucking tits, man.
Take those fucking tits out and show me those big
silver dollar fucking nipples.
Fuck you.
Then they go into the the wind direction and they show this you say oh, please please please
Just put pull up your skirt pull up your skirt and show me where the shit rolls out of your hole
Show me your fucking hole bitch. Show me your fucking hole
Show me your fucking hole, bitch! Show me your fucking hole!
Show me your fucking hole!
Show me your fucking hole!
Show me your fucking hole!
Show me your fucking hole!
Then they want to go into the seven day forecast.
In seven days, the weather...
I could eat a ball of coke in my pocket.
I don't know if I'll be here in ten fucking minutes!
I don't give a fuck what's gonna happen in seven days!
Do I look like I have a family of fucking four?
Just pull up your fucking skirt and show me your fucking hole!
Show me your fucking hole! Show me your fucking hole! I don't give a fuck what's gonna happen in seven days. Do I look like I have a family of fucking four?
Just pull up your fucking skirt and show me the man in the boat.
Show me the man in the boat!
Show me where the dick goes!
Show me where the dick goes!
Someone you don't know how to react. Why?
I just want to let you know that I did knock up Jesse Jetsky Johnson.
And now I gotta drive this bitch all the way to California to get rid of that motherfucking kid. Do what I do if you have sex with somebody
you haven't met before.
Fuck the condom, fuck the pills.
When you're done, snap their fucking neck.
Snap that motherfucking neck.
Hey, fuck you, Hey, fuck you!
Stupid motherfuckers taking it serious!
Fuck yourself!
Brian, motherfucking Holzman, everybody.
I don't know where the booze are coming from.
You people in the back are in trouble.
I don't know.
Yeah, thank you, sir.
What do you find about Japan?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Another legendary set from the great Brian Holtzman.
You look fucking fantastic.
Welcome back.
Holtzman made the trip truly back from California,
back to his home in Austin, Texas for this.
We appreciate it, Brian.
A couple of those are Seinfeld bits, aren't they?
They're all Seinfeld bits, bitch.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
What is the deal with the weather girls man in the boat?
You know, it's just unbelievable.
You know, what don't you understand?
Huh? Did your mama come out of your mouth?
Did your mother come out of your mouth?
Why did you lose your sock in the dryer?
I don't know.
Socks are small.
Things in the dryer are big.
And sometimes those little socks get caught in big clothing and when you take it out
they get lost.
That's how you lose a fucking sock in that fucking dryer.
That is just how Seinfeld did it.
Do another Seinfeld bet.
Who are these people? Why do they call a chair? It's always been a chair you motherfucker! Tell a fucking joke!
Who are these people? Why does the hair stick to the tile in the mirror? I don't know! I got a filipino bitch please my fuckin' shit out. Tell a fuckin' joke will ya?
75% of the people are laughing, 25% just sheer fright.
Yeah!
It is incredible.
That's the Matt Reif 25%.
If you're not laughing, if you're not laughing,
kill yourself.
There you go.
There you go.
That's your closer. Kill your family first, then kill your fucking self.
That's a good t-shirt, Brian.
It's a great t-shirt idea.
Get all dressed up to have you look at me like I'm a nut.
You're fine.
You're good.
You're good.
Great band.
Great flying guy.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. You're fine. You're good. You're good. Great band! Great flying guy!
Oh, he doesn't have a sense of humor, you fucking asshole!
Old Smith is...
You're not laughing for him, you fucking, fucking woke cock suckers!
It's a new year! The woke is over! The woke is suckers! It's a new year!
The woke is over!
The woke is fucking over!
It is true.
It is true.
We love you, Brian.
Thank you so much for the fucking best.
How do you feel?
I feel like I've been betrayed by the people that I select love to me!
Who are these people?
Why would you? Why would you swallow cum?
Oh my God, they're really...
Alright.
Oldspen, let's run it back again tomorrow night.
What do you think? You want to do it again?
Yeah, as long as you motherfuckers aren't going to be here.
I'm going to get him a whole new crowd.
You left him that fucking trend.
Oh, God.
That's another great t-shirt, Brian.
Make some noise for the great Brian Holzman, ladies and gentlemen.
He's running for office in 2024. Vote for him.
All right. This is it. Your final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen, has been pre-pulled,
should be backstage backstage ready to go
Make some noise for 60 seconds uninterrupted for Austin young everybody Austin young
Austin young bucket pull number nine we got through a loss tonight. She's an awesome with a lot of special treats
Hell yeah
Special treats.
Hell yeah.
What's going on guys? What's up?
Little bit about myself.
I grew up super religious, went to Christian school,
and like I was too Christian for the Christian school.
Like I used to fail science class on purpose
because that's what I thought we were supposed to do.
I thought they were testing our faith.
So like the teacher, she'd be up, she'd be the teacher, and she'd be like, dinosaurs
used to walk around the earth billions of years ago, and I'd be like, blasphemy.
She'd be like, you're being very disruptive.
And I'm like, and you're being a false prophet.
Trying to lead the flock of the righteous astray.
She's like, I'm gonna call your parents
and I'm like, and tell them what? I'm defending my faith. You got nothing on me, bitch. All
right. I was a pretty good student though. I had straight A's other than that. So the
teachers made this deal with me. They're like, all right, you're a good student. So we're
gonna give you this deal. Just write an essay on how earthquakes are caused.
You turn that in, we'll pass you, like deal.
So I write the essay, turn it in,
I get called into the principal's office the next day.
He's like, did you write this essay on how earthquakes are caused?
I'm like, yeah.
He's like, you just wrote the gaze.
Fuck yes, Austin Young, pushing into the limit. He's done, Barry, he's done.
He's done.
Get back.
That was a fucking great set, Austin.
Thank you, I appreciate it.
Very funny.
Absolutely.
Thank you.
You were just on the show recently, right?
I was on the show recently and you accused me of celibacy and I did not appreciate that.
What made me say that?
I don't know. I'm the very handsome boy. What? I was on the show recently, and you accused me of celibacy, and I did not appreciate that.
What made me say that?
I don't know, I'm the very handsome boy.
What did I say that makes you think
that I accused you of celibacy?
You just, you were shocked that I get pussy, so.
Yeah, yeah.
I could see that.
You get a lot of pussy?
I mean, it's like, I don't take down a lot of pigs,
but it's all good
They're called cats now they're called cats
Get a lot of big girls
Thanks for people to what's the biggest? What's the biggest you've been with? Oh?
I like that noise. What are that man? She's pretty big
She I grab a handful of forehead like that. I'm good a handful of forehead. Yeah. Wow
Yeah, she a big damn is that a euphemism or like an actual no no no You know when you get that big they just got nowhere else to go, but here
Was she on dr. Pimple Popper or what? No, okay
Facebook dating good for you. That was cool. Yeah for you. How long you been doing stand-up player?
This will be year four coming up.
Good.
Yeah.
Fantastic set.
You've only been on the show once before?
Yes, sir.
What else did we find out about you there?
What do you do for work?
I work with horses, and I'm a truck driver.
Oh, OK.
I quit that, though, fucking.
We got a stud.
And I was, I never worked with studs before and I was
told when you go on a stall, don't turn your back to him and I accidentally did.
And he's like look at that fat ass on this one.
Yeah.
Look at this celibate fat boy.
Let me grab some of that forehead. Yeah.
Yeah.
You're not supposed to turn your back to him.
Because they're fucking to get real charged up.
They're supposed to mount whenever they see something.
So keep going.
That's what happened.
He, his dick came out.
It was fucking, it was massive, fucking huge.
But he had nothing to mount.
So he just started smacking his dick to his tummy.
And then-
Redman, you've done that, right?
Yeah, I did a secret show.
I'll be honest, it was probably,
I thought that was the biggest dick
until I hung out with Heath last night week.
And-
Oh, hell yeah.
A real stud.
No, real stud.
Never turn your back on Heath.
Never turn your back on Heath. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. Oh, real stud. Never turn your back on heat. Never turn your back on heat.
Where are you from?
I'm from Florida.
Oh, shit.
Yeah.
What part?
Fort Myers.
Okay.
Started a comedy in Tampa.
Narley.
All right.
What you live here?
I live here now, yes sir.
Okay.
What do you love about Austin?
I love getting up spots everywhere.
It's fucking great.
And where you go, you just get up every night.
It's pretty awesome.
So you get a lot of pussy is what you're saying.
Decent amount.
Have you ever had an STD?
How about a KFC?
Oh, you know I did.
Maybe a BLT or?
Yeah.
I mean, I pissed a couple of times and it hurt,
but I mean, that cleared up.
It just cleared up on its own?
Yeah.
Oh, you have Chlamydia.
Probably.
Oh, yeah.
How often do people confuse you for the bouncer at Panera?
All of, every time I'm in Panera?
Yeah.
Is that your go-to food?
What's your favorite snack if you're high or just got done, you know, fucking some foreheads?
Probably what, a burger?
Okay.
Big Patty Melt guy, yeah. Fucking a now. Okay. Big patty melt guy, yeah.
Fucking a now.
X.
All right.
It's a Texas crowd, I'm a fan of it, sorry.
Yeah.
I like it a now too.
I love it.
I love it.
What's your guiltiest pleasure?
What's a nasty thing that you eat that you make for yourself at home maybe sometimes?
Oh, fucking eggs.
Yeah.
Late night eggs. Yeah.
Late night eggs?
Yeah.
How many eggs at once do you make?
Eight.
Whoa.
Holy shit.
Damn, dude.
Even cats like that sounds like a lot of eggs.
Yeah, that's a lot.
Now, are you, have you ever been to Dallas?
I have not.
Okay, where's the craziest place you've been to?
Well, I used to be a truck driver, but I mean I've been all over the country, so...
You love to drop that truck driver shit, don't you?
I guess, I mean it's the most interesting thing about me.
I would disagree.
I would disagree.
I feel like you got some secret skills like sign language or...
I can drink beer really fast, that's about it.
You can?
Like, like I can?
I can do like a pint glass or something. That's about it. You can? Like, like it can? Uh, I can do like, uh, the pint glass or something.
Can we get a beer up here?
Can we get a giant bucket of beer?
Can we get a glass of beer?
This sounds exciting.
Let me tell you that, well, give me your first name again.
Austin.
Austin. So, my good friend Adam Ray is going to be headlining in Dallas the end of February.
If you can drink this beer in under five seconds,
you can feature for the motherfucker.
How about that?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I'm gonna say so.
How about that? How about that, ma'am?
That's a good one.
All right.
That's a real, real, that's a fucking paint gig.
And I want the secret show on top of that.
Oh, shit, secret show on top of that.
Yeah.
Okay.
And Joe Rogan's gonna let you shoot his bow and arrow. You need it in a bucket or something like that?
I'd rather it in a glass, yeah. How about a bucket?
A bucket? Yeah.
How about a condom from Heath?
Let's make history the first time the bucket of destiny has ever been used as a bucket.
It's clean. Dull it before.
Holy shit, that's a lot of fucking beer you're
gonna pour a couple in there what are we talking about you just going one yeah
let's go to be the great bones I ladies and gentlemen he makes all the joke
bucks from the producers of two girls one Compass. You guys like Joe Bucks, right? No, two's good, two's good. Two cans, one bucket.
Here we go.
All right, Austin.
This is way, oh, oh, shit.
There we go.
It's going for it, motherfucker.
There we go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Wait a minute.
He did it, baby.
Let's go.
He did it. he did it.
Unbelievable, unbelievable.
He just got an entire weekend to work with Adam Ray.
And I'll have you on the Secret Show Thursday if you can.
Wow.
And you're on the Secret Show on Thursday.
Thank you so much for your time.
You got work in Austin, Dallas,
the full Texas fuckin' run. Austin Young, ladies, the full Texas fucking run.
Austin Young, ladies and gentlemen.
Great job.
You already have a big joke book, right?
I do, yeah.
There you go.
There he goes, Austin Young.
Thank you guys so much.
Keeping it moving.
I think I bought sandals from him at Lady Foot Locker once.
Funny guy right there, funny guy.
I love it.
Ladies and gentlemen, we've come
to that part of the show. Your final comedian of the night, his parents are here who we
love legendary guests. Some people say guest of the year, 2022. I mean, what can I say about him? You know him. He has the record for all time appearances on the show.
The record for the most interviews on the show.
He is the currently the only living member
of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.
The Tijuana Tarantula.
The Des Moines dealer. the Syracuse Sultan, the Memphis
Strengler, the Vanilla Guerrilla.
This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! You gotta make more noise than that!
This is William Montgomery!
Okay, stop playing!
Stop playing already!
Hootie Hootie!
Hootie Hootie!
Hootie's fucking hootie.
I'm looking for Old Town Road Must Fort fornicate with fruity black cowboy.
Time for a joke.
What do you call a robot on drugs, Elon Musk?
No, but seriously, Alex Jones uses me
to block 5G cell phone signals.
People ask me if I like the Wizard of Oz.
Shit, pretty much the only Oz I care about is the HBO show.
What's the difference between Red Bams Mom and the Wicked Witch from the West?
Red Bams Mom only turns into a puddle when you hit it from the back.
Your mom's a fucking slot dude and she sold his shit.
See what's fucking in the Wizard of Oz bitch.
But yeah, that's my time.
Thank you so much.
Wow, what an amazing performance.
This is unbelievable.
You are such a showman on these big shows.
You really know how to fucking turn it up.
You are...what are you, a robot?
It's Tony, it's a little embarrassing.
I was actually wearing this on Christmas night
and I just haven't changed yet.
I got super drunk, took a little ecstasy, fuck it.
Five days later, I fucking lost at the airport again.
Good evening.
This look is unbelievable.
You on the big screen with these fucking great cameras,
it is incredible to see.
Such a showman, where do you get a hat like that?
Oh man, I got this in New Mexico.
I was in New Mexico four days ago, Tony.
First night of ecstasy, there's a fucking Hispanic family
that I used to live with.
I went over to their castle one night, we're
fucking, we're fucking, I mean it was, and I had this fucking hat on.
No, but the hat's a nightmare, I've been wearing it for the past five fucking hours, and hey
bitch, when are you gonna start laughing at any of this shit?
I'm killing it up here right now, bitch. and, hey bitch, when are you gonna start laughing at any of this shit?
I'm killing it up here right now, bitch!
Thousands of people here, meanwhile, those two really stand out.
It's kind of incredible.
Yeah, what is that, a father-daughter situation?
What the fuck?
Oh, a father-daughter situation, shit.
Oh, it is, yeah, they are father and daughter.
You actually nailed it.
William, how much does an outfit like this cost?
This was $3,000.
I got it on Amazon, got 24-hour shipping.
It was actually the shipping that cost so much.
The shipping was 2,500, outfit was 500.
When you gotta get it fast, you gotta get it Amazon.
I mean, it's a great look.
You look like you still plan B on the moon.
That's a compliment.
That's a tough gig.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
You're crushing it.
I love the hat.
You said when you gotta get it fast, you gotta go Amazon.
Is this a new sponsor?
It is, y'all.
I actually have the biggest sponsorship deal of my fucking life.
Who do you?
Amazon reached out Christmas night.
That's why I took the X to see.
Fucking seven years.
Fucking, they said $8,000.
Something has to be off with that.
But yeah, seven years, $8,000, but it's Amazon.
I get free shipping. so thanks for it.
Why are you fucking laughing?
What are you doing with your stupid head?
You just spent $3,000 on shipping.
You spent $3,000 on shipping.
You sound as stupid as ever right now, you dumbass.
He did say it was $3,000 for the outfit, not for shipping.
Well, he said all the money was on shipping.
I pay attention to it.
Oh, yeah, and rent payment.
By the way, my dad is up there with your girlfriend Janice. I saw making out earlier
Finally a white guy getting an Asian sick for a change that's different
You remember the laply?
No?
All right, forget it.
He's talking about Wuhan,
and I got a big problem with Wuhan.
Tell us what your problem is.
I ain't ever gonna go back to Wuhan.
How many times have you been there?
Shit, like seven times.
Oh my God, what did you used to do in Wuhan?
I worked at a factory, Tony.
It was a factory.
We dealt with a bunch of tires.
It was a fucking nightmare.
I didn't know how to speak fucking Spanish.
I don't give a shit no more!
What?
By the way, I would love to see a headline to her, Brian Holtzman and William Montgomery.
I mean, I'd pay top dollar for that.
That's good money.
$10.
Yeah, maybe we should do it.
One of the balls rolled on top of your hat.
That's what she said.
So a red band's mom said the other night.
Oh, shit.
And is that just glitter on your belly?
Is it my seeing this correctly?
Because there's a hole in the middle.
Is that your belly button?
Yeah, I actually ate some of that sparkly stuff
in thermometers at my parents' house.
I got to do some of those things.
And yeah, I drank the sparkly silver stuff.
And Tony, it's been like this for a couple of days now.
And Tommy's hurting so bad. I ate ate him it's like mercury or something I was
drinking the mercury out of these thermometers my mom was like
your turnic silver what accent is that my mom sounds really weird is she the
teacher see the teacher from the Muppet Babies? Who was that? Yeah, William, you're turning silver.
Your mom's sound like that.
William, what's going on with your tummy?
It's turning silver.
William, your tummy is really silver right now.
I'm like, mom, get the fuck out of my room!
I can eat your mercury, mom! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm gonna get a free ball. I'm gonna get a free ball. I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball.
I'm gonna get a free ball. I got a bone to pick with gamia. Uh oh. What's the phone? What they do? They they
released I had a bunch of personal data on there. It's an
actual it's a real lawsuit. Oh, oh, shit. Okay. How does it
gig at Dr. Squatch headquarters go? Well, they heard about me
mentioning Dr. Squatch giving me cancer and they actually didn't pay me so I didn't get paid so
Yeah, I'm not even kidding. It was the biggest deal up my fucking life. I'm already buying the fucking
Sports car. I'm already buying the fucking coursebox or fucking they find out. I was that funny
Fucking idiot, and then I fucking find out they're not gonna fucking pay my ass.
And I swear, I spent that money the second it hit my fucking, that second that checked
in my pocket, I'm getting fucking looking up sports box.
Fucking sports boxsters and sportssters.
I looked up a bunch of sportssters and I'm like, fuck, I got the big ass check in my
pocket.
It's like, I see these sportssters all over fucking Craigslist and shit and bitch
You're really not laughing at this
Wait William if I bought a cameo from you later tonight for like my grandson, right? He's got HPV and
He's but he's but he's a big fan of fortnight, okay?
But he's also easy, you know, he's got a lazy eye if I give you that personal information his name's Ethan
What would you let's let's give him a little cameo music guys. What would you record from a grand soon?
Hey, then what's up? So nice to be talking with Joe ass right now
Ethan if I seem kind of sad right now
Yeah, I'm pretty sad. My dad actually got stuck in the chimney Christmas Eve
I'm pretty sad. My dad actually got stuck in the chimney,
Christmas Eve, fucking,
and we don't know if he made it halfway in,
two thirds of the way in.
We don't know,
because we had to call the fire department,
and they show up,
it turns into a very expensive,
very extensive extraction operation.
So yeah, Ethan, I'm fucking sad as shit right now,
but Ethan, oh my gosh, I heard you like Fortnite, dude.
That's so cool.
I love Fortnite.
I can't get enough like Fortnite, dude. That's so cool. I love Fortnite. I can't get enough of Fortnite.
Ethan!
God, what was the rest of it?
What else?
I don't know.
Hey, he's not a real person, but that was great.
Now, how much money have you made on cameo?
You said six cameos.
I have made over $6,000.
It's been two years, so things are looking up. I'm thinking I
might actually get that escalator back at the apartment. I want to start fucking
not walking up the stairs anymore. This hat makes it hard enough. I'm getting the
escalator again if I keep on doing the cameos. So we'll see. I mean Lord Willen
and the Creek don't rise. I'm gonna get that as
Escalator in two years. It seems like you are set on getting the escalator Do you think this is some a dream that you're ever gonna give up on? You know what Tony the moment?
I've heard about a what just what an escalator was how it gets you up to the second level of a mall or some place like that
And you don't have to take a step.
I discovered, they're called escalators
and I discovered them and I went ship to my house
and I swear to God, I am a ghost!
Stop ordering escalators to my house!
Oh, never!
I am a ghost!
Stop!
Thanks for the nice sir William Montgomery ladies
and gentlemen.
Thanks. William, our second musical guest couldn't make it Ha! Thanks for the nice sir William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen.
William our second musical guest couldn't make it so.
Thank you so much for having me.
We'll see you tomorrow night.
William lights out Montgomery ladies and gentlemen.
Who do you?
Now normally everybody before you guys head for the stands these fucking these people
afraid of parking.
I know it's been four hours of continuous entertainment
that a lot of you have seen in this room,
but before we go, we have a little surprise
that we have for a very, very special man
that I've worked with for 17 years.
Dr. Phil, we got something special for you.
If you wanna look up at that screen,
I think you might enjoy what's what's going to happen right here. Look up there.
Good evening and congratulations to the Kill Tony podcast on doing its first show in an arena.
Well, I wish I could be there. I was going to come but I had to finish eating this apple.
be there. I was going to come but I had to finish eating this apple. But nonetheless, it is with mixed emotions or maybe great pleasure that I award the Kill Tony 2023
guest of the year to Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Wait a minute, what? First, Adam Roy Well, whatever I think he owes me money
Anyway, congrats Adam. You finally figured out how to be successful by pretending to be me
Now while I don't usually relish
People doing an impression of me. I mean, audience, can he do me?
Has he got me nailed?
Okay, okay.
I have to say he's pretty damn good.
If he was really committed, he would shave his head.
Kind of like breakfast.
The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.
I do endorse comedy.
Laughter is important, especially nowadays.
So congrats Adam and kill Tony on a wild night.
Perhaps y'all will see me the real deal one of these days.
Now how weird would that be? I could come and
do an impression of Adam doing an impression of me. Hey, God bless Texas and happy new year.
Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. The video froze up, but it is indeed official.
Your 2023 Guests of the Year fucking Dr. Phil.
Here's the great Yoni with a trophy.
You gotta hold it from the base.
Guests of the year.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yes, to the year, Adam Ray.
Fucking Dr. Phil.
Follow him on everything.
Instagram, Twitter.
Hell yeah.
Makes the fucking noise for Dr. Phil, everybody.
Makes a fucking noise for Dr. Phil everybody.
Oh shit.
Oh shit. We got a- uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
I feel bad.
Dr. Phil's made this head.
I'm fucking a-
Oh my goodness.
Yeah!
We love you guys! Thank you so much!
Night one in the books!
You're not gonna fucking believe what happens tomorrow night.
We love you guys!
How about a hand for the artist? Let's see what Ryan J.
He built. The great Ryan J.
With a little fucking Dr.
Phil. Look at that, Adam.
Look at that shit up on the jumbotron there.
Look at- oh, there it was.
There was another guest of the year thing.
There's Dr. Phil.
That's fucking fantastic.
Let's see what Austin's own Chris Rogers has here
up in Sleeve, kicking off night one of Kill Tony Mania.
Oh, that's the shit.
A little wish you were here, Amit, with me and Redman.
I fucking love that.
God damn it.
You do this, I might have to fucking buy that too.
God, you son of a bitch.
Oh, we're gonna have an auction on it.
Yo, I'm a post.
Yo, let me say one thing real quick.
This is the greatest fucking live comedy show
in the history of comedy.
I gotta say that real quick.
Keep it going for Tony Motherfucking Hitchcliff
and Brian Red Band.
This show's been going, started the fucking comedy store,
and they are just climbing and climbing
all because of you guys.
Give it up for yourselves real quick, let's go.
We love you guys so much.
Thank you for coming to this, our added show.
You guys are in for a real,
how many of you are coming back tomorrow night?
We love it, we fucking love you guys.
You guys giving me the finger over there.
I love it. I was gonna throw you a little jokebook,
you angry little shit.
Look at him. He got off his chair and he disappeared.
Look at you. Look at your tiny little fingers.
I love you guys. Thank you so much.
We love you. God bless Texas. Good night everybody, thank you! We gon' turn this money out Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh We gon' turn this money out
Oh-oh-oh-oh
We gon' turn this money out
We gon' turn this money out
Oh-oh-oh-oh
We gon' turn this money out
Oh-oh-oh-oh
We gon' turn this morning I am the one who's gonna be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be the one to be Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, We gon' turn this mother out We gon' turn this mother out We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out
We gon' turn this mother out We gon' turn this mother out ស្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្្ლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლლ වවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවව� Thanks for watching! you