KILL TONY - #648 - SHANE GILLIS + MATT MCCUSKER - NYE HEB ARENA
Episode Date: January 30, 2024Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, Mr. Beast, Suga Sean O'Malley, Danny Brown, LIL' Hobo, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Mat...thew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 12/31/2023 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Try MOOD’s new THCa flower today! And for 20% off your first order and a FREE THCa pre-roll, go to https://hellomood.com and use promo code KILLTONY. Head to https://www.squarespace.com to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code TONY. See why 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Go to https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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I'm Rob Gronkowski, and last year, I missed a fan-dull kick of Destiny during the Super Bowl.
It's so good! He missed it!
I spent the last year reflecting, meditating, hanging out in Himalayan salt caves,
anything to get the image of that hook kick out of my head.
So when Fanduul called and asked if I'd give it another go,
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Hey, this is Red Ban and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at Tony Hinchcliffe.com and
the sunset strips. My new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunset strip ATX.com. And now
here's a brand new episode of kill Tony back on my standup tour at the end of January,
hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this. Vancouver, Portland and Seattle,
you're next January 25th, 26 and 27th.
And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand up.
Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh,
Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas,
Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale,
and Orlando.
I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates.
Really excited for you to see it.
Taking some of my favorite openers with me,
you may recognize some of them.
Get tickets now at TonyHinchCliff.com.
This is going to be my last stretch
of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024.
It's all just performing in Austin and Kiltony from there.
So hope to see you soon. How did you get it?
How did you get it wrapped up?
How did you wrap them up?
How did you get them wrapped back up?
Do what?
How'd you wrap them back up?
You put the notes in there and how'd you put them?
Did he say that a little slower?
I swear, I can't understand you.
I swear.
Forget it, it don't matter.
Who the fuck are you?
Why were you trying to give me advice on that shit, man?
These motherfuckers paid the way, so I want, I want, I want...
Okay, okay.
I didn't, I didn't take a fancy.
Are you mad?
No, I fucking loved it.
Okay.
I want to say more. Thank you for? No, I fucking loved it. Okay. I want to thank you for bringing it up
Thank you. I apologize. I do it to everyone
So maybe I need to stop. Yeah
But I never got us all
We started doing it kill Tony here at Balkan a couple years ago. This is officially our last
I killed Tony here at Volk in a couple years ago. This is officially our last scheduled taping
here at this venue.
Ladies and gentlemen, at the same time,
I present to you Tim Dillon and Roseanne Barr.
I have to say, this fucking podcast is making me famous.
Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas.
Let's make some noise for Jim Norton, Whitney Cummings and Bert Kreischer.
Jim Norton, one of the best in the world.
The great Whitney Cummings.
And the motherfucking machine.
Burt Preicher.
Hold up, one of the sopranos got something to say.
You look like Lizzo dressed like Shook Knight for Halloween.
Oh my god. Hey, this is Joe Cain, coming to you from ACLI at the Moody Theater here in Austin, Texas
for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony Hicks-Clam.
Ten fucking years, who's ready to party?
I'm not retarded, but I like rocks.
One of the best of all time, Doug Stanhope, everybody!
Joy Hinchcliffe, my mother, everybody.
Put your fucking hands together.
Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Smith, everybody.
Austin Zone, Tom Segura and Joe Rogan.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the new episode of Austin's own Tom Segura and Joe Rogan. Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Nature Boy, Rick Bland.
Yeah.
Jeffrey Ross.
David Tell, ladies and gentlemen.
And this is Stavros Alke it's everybody oh fuck yeah Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Ari Shapiro.
Mark Dorman.
Kurt Metzger. Post Malone and Joe Rogan!
Post Malone, meet Roast Malone.
What's up, boy?
Your ass look like an unemployed crocodile, honey.
You know what?
No dancing?
Yeah.
At least you're the running man.
What man?
Come on!
That's right, that's right. Dr. Phil is out of control and I love it.
You can call me the N-word.
I was just gonna say.
You can type it out.
I really hope he does, because technically it's not him saying it.
I've always wanted to meet a white black guy.
Fuck it, who's got perks in here?
You need a shame to do a perks tonight.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you.
I'm not a fan of you. I'm not a fan of you. God invented perks. That is true. On the fucking, on the eighth day.
That's why we're sleeping, dude.
Been working on a Tony Hinchcliff impression. Would you, would you like to hear it?
I would love to hear your Tony Hinchcliff impression.
Okay, here we go.
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the things I've said and I now realize words can hurt, even kill. Going forward, I intend to donate 50% of everything I make
to Black Lives Matter.
Thank you! Thank you! Yehey!
Woohoo! And now, ladies and gentlemen, you're never gonna believe it.
But please rise for your national anthem from Grammy Award-winning artist and one of
the biggest superstars in the world. This is Taylor Swift. O say, how you say, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we wield, at the twilight's last gleaming,
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda nda Treming in the rockets' replay, the bombs bursting in air, give proof through the night that our flag won't still bear. Oh, see does the head-star spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? OF THE BREED! Oh Hey, this is Red Band, come to you live from an arena here at the HGP Center in Austin, Tony Hitzcliff! Who's ready for the best fucking New Year's Eve ever? Yeah, thanks so much for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.
Hi!
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The number one live podcast in the fucking world.
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How we feelin' tonight, everybody?
You ready for this shit?
Here we fucking go.
How about one more time for the best goddamn band in the land, everybody?
OG band member, the great Jetsky Jesse Johnson on the fucking trumpet.
On the trombone, Paul Deemer everybody.
Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
The great James Atkins on percussion.
Thanks to those for Dane on the keyboards everybody.
Matt Mueling on the electric guitar.
John Dees on the keys.
And the great and powerful D-Mother fucking Madness on his bass guitar.
Oh my lord. everybody is in position.
Makes some noise for the great Ryan J. Ebel.
Been drawing every episode since the very beginning,
originally from Texas, back for tonight
with a blank fucking palette and Austin's own Chris Rogers
with a big bright white board of nothing.
They draw throughout the episode.
Everything is in position.
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Oh yeah, shout out to the red rose,
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Ladies and gentlemen, your guests tonight,
literally, literally the most requested guest duo ever
in the history of the show, and they've never been on together before.
I present to you the best booking I could possibly do.
Make some noise for Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis! Oh yeah baby, let's fucking go!
Shane Gillis!
The Shaman Matt McCusker! Oh my God!
And here we go!
Is there a case of bubble?
The hell?
Your bucket's been reading.
You guys fucking excited?
Buckets be reading. You guys fucking excited?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shane Gillis, welcome back my friend, Austin's own Shane Gillis.
Hey.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And Matt McCusker.
Hey.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Austin's own Matt McCusker.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Two of the best.
Uh, moved here. You guys know what the fuck's up.
Matt, it is your first time on the show,
but I think you get the gist of it.
A ship ton of people signed up for tonight's show.
They're scattered all around the arena.
There's also an entire section of them right there.
We have that light. We have that crazy comedian light.
Freaks. There they are. Look at them. There's some familiar faces. Look at Jolly Mike eating up there.
There's some fucking celebrities up there. Some ugly ass motherfuckers too. Holy shit.
Unbelievable. What a bunch of fucking...
A section of rapists.
Look at the fucking vitamin D deficiency going on up there.
Holy shit.
Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
That's Red Banz first fuck up of the night everybody.
Mark it on your bingo card.
Mark it on your fucking bingo card.
We are four minutes into the episode
and he has failed at a job in which he's done
for 10 and a half years right in front of you.
Biggest episode of our lives.
Literally the first fucking button he had to hit.
Oh my God, it's unbelievable.
But they have to wrap it up after that 60 seconds.
And by the way, last night it was a little bit chaotic.
Audiences were starting to boo
throughout some people's terrible sets.
My recommendation for tonight is save the booing
for when that 60 seconds is up when they're done.
And then let's hear you pop
in your fucking thoughts and beliefs.
Cause it kind of fucks some shit up.
Turns out at 400 out of fucking 8,000 people hate somebody.
It kind of fucks everything up.
Anyway, they have to wrap it up after the kitten
or they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear
who is real tonight, everybody.
It's a real thing.
He's live in the flesh.
Oh no, I have no dildos to throw at him.
Normally, I have to throw a dildo to get him away.
I shoved him all up my ass.
That's that's Joe Rogan.
No, you know who it actually is.
Take off the helmet. Show yourself.
Come on. It's not that big of a reveal. It's Enrique Chacon.
What's up with the Muggers? Wow. Look at the Pumper Enrique.
Fuck yeah. All right. Get back there. There he goes. Enrique Chacon.
There he goes, Enrique Chacon. Okay.
We're gonna pre-pull a name.
Right? Yeah, that's on the other side of the fucking arena.
Section 107.
No, they're gonna get them. That's good.
We're gonna start the show with a fucking bang, shall we, everybody?
Now, normally, how many of you guys are diehard fans of the show?
Okay.
All right.
So normally, you may know that normally we start the show with the great and powerful
Hans Kim, but if you're following along, you know that tonight is that fucking night.
So we have decided to slide the battle, obviously,
between Hans and Rick to a little bit later in the show.
But we're going to start it with a fucking powerful force,
one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show,
an absolute fucking sensation.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only, Cam Patterson. I
Brought my white bitches
Yeah, I Wanted them to trick on me but my dick soft and off and I want to feel that gummy worm. So I ain't do that
Well, I would tell you my dick not that big and that'll sense me
I asked my girlfriend all the time, but hey baby, do you think my dick is big and she blot it's perfect for me?
I ain't asking that bitch
That one got their question dumbass. I don't want to be purple with that bit to be dangerous
I'm trying to fuck your ecosystem up bitch
What I said me the most it that's like me going I hate good pussy
I like drop with it
Well that went not the way I was expecting it to go
That's it
Not the way I was expecting it to go.
That's it.
The ending was bad.
But the beginning was strong with the white mixes. Absolutely. No, it was great.
Cam Patterson, everybody. Fuck yeah.
Hell yeah.
We outside, baby.
Hell yeah, nigga.
I love it, Cam. How do you feel tonight?
I feel great.
New 7,000 people in front of me.
This shit crazy as fuck. This shit the same, bro. How do you feel tonight? I feel great new seven thousand people in front of me. This shit crazy the fuck
This is insane
Rockin and brand new pair of white nikes. Oh, I stole these earlier
Fucking power line
Cam a fantastic way to start the show how does it feel going first instead of in the middle? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh shit. Fuck Rick D.A.S. nigga! Fuck Rick D.A.S.
The betting line did change today.
Hans is a minus 400 favorite.
It has increased in Hans' favor.
Damn man, fuck that fucker that nigga Rick D.A.S. man.
He a bitch.
Hey, I got, I got, I got, I got a hundred thousand dollars on Hans.
Oh shit. Tony, let me borrow $100,000 real quick.
I got a million on Hans,
so I'll let you borrow it afterwards.
Say you let's, nigga, fuck Rick Diaz, I kill him.
All right, what's that?
These people, you're corrupting the vote.
It's the audience that decides.
Give a damn about that, nigga.
Oh shit, I fucking love it.
Game violence nigga.
Yeah, yeah.
Just, just the black vote ruining another election.
This shit crazy nigga. What the fuck? That's you up there, buddy.
That's the same, bro.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Fuck, man.
It's like when I hold my cat up to the mirror.
Can you see yourself?
Do you believe this?
No.
No.
No. No. to the mirror. Like, can you see yourself? Do you believe this?
Oh.
That is shit.
Craziness.
I love it.
It looked like I saw Coke in the 80s.
You do.
It is incredible.
You look like some kind of ghetto teddy bear or something.
Not exactly sure.
Where do you get a jogging suit like that?
Oh, fuck.
They would've loved if I remember what it was called.
Yeah.
I got that shit today and I was like, ah,
I don't know where that shit from.
I like it, though.
Send me some more, please.
They gave it to you for free?
Yeah.
OK.
They ain't know what I was doing today.
They had no idea.
Hell yeah.
I think it's from Rainbow.
No, bad one.
Dumb.
Is that from Rainbow?
First remark, stupid.
Bad as hell.
They don't like it.
They don't like me either right now.
So we even.
You're doing just fine, Cam.
Anything else?
What else is going on? Man, oh, shit, just running around doing shit like,
like, my mom in here. What's up, Am I? How you doing?
Hell, yeah.
My mom in here, my baby.
Hell, my mom in here. You know what I'm saying?
Is your dad here?
Nah, he ain't here to make it.
But he watching somewhere, shit.
That is the blackest thing possible.
Your dad comes to all the janky shows that we do on the road
and he misses the arena.
Which is crazy. Yeah. Shit is insane, bro. Well, look at the camera. Tell him something.
Hey, what's up, pops? Bill Doe. Oh, that's too easy. I'm gonna pass on that one. I love it, Cam.
I love it.
We've come so far.
Yo, I want to be here without one person.
Yeah.
With two people.
With three people.
Four people.
I got a lot of shout-outs, but...
Oh, shit.
You know what I'm saying?
God, my mama, you know my mentor, you know what I'm saying?
David Jolly put a big part.
The great David Jolly.
He's got David Jolly.
He's out here working somewhere, isn't he?
Is David around?
David Jolly, you around here? working somewhere, isn't he? Is David around?
David Jolly.
You around here?
Send him up.
Oh, yeah.
You guys want 60 seconds from David Jolly?
Let's go, David.
How y'all doing tonight?
White people in Puerto Rico!
I think a whole lot of words in the English language. How y'all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico!
I think a whole lot of words in the English language got a bad break.
Like some words used to be racist, but they're not racist no more,
cause we don't know what the fuck they mean.
But they're fun words I think everybody should be able to use,
like the word jiggable.
I don't know what the fuck a jiggable is, I can't even get mad at that word.
You know what I mean? That shit sound like a term of endearment. If I walk out here right now,
and an old white man walk up to me and say, hey, how you doing today jiggaboo? I'm gonna say,
well jiggaboo, do you good sir? Because I don't know what the fucking mean, you can't hurt me with
that word, you know?
If you ask me, I think we should have put that word in like the kids game or something.
And if they like it, we just roll with it, you know what I mean?
Like let's put that motherfucking Pokemon.
I choose you, Jigaboo, some big black motherfucking cunt, walking and shit.
Fucking throwing game size.
Hey, y'all shut the fuck up.
I got one minute, motherfucker.
Goddamn, let me finish the joke.
So, y'all good white people,
we all go to work on Tuesday,
and you eat your cheese sandwich.
Keep going, keep going.
And you eat your cheese sandwich.
I know about the fucking cheese sounds, Mike.
You thought I ain't nobody's cheese sounds.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Ding-Ballon!
Oh, shit.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Oh shit.
All right, all right, all right, all right.
This is chaos.
David, how do you feel?
That was fantastic.
Yeah, I feel good.
Appreciate that.
You feel it?
You ever perform?
We outside game violence, bitch!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
David, that was a fantastic set. You're Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
David, that was a fantastic set.
You're absolutely killing it.
It is incredible to think that just a couple of few years ago in Minneapolis, a police
officer at his man.
See.
Boy, you ain't shit, Tony.
You ain't shit.
Yeah.
I love you, David Jolly. You guys ever seen anything love you David Jolly.
You guys ever seen anything quite like David Jolly before?
They're my partners, man.
They're my partners.
I fuck with them boys too, man.
I see them all the time.
Especially, man.
That's my doll there, man.
We like cousins.
You feel me?
We're cousins.
You guys don't look alike at all.
Yeah, we do.
We both like, you know. I look alike at all. Yeah, we do. We both like, yeah, you know.
I'm light skinned.
Yeah, yeah.
Tell them to pull their pants down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hell yeah, man.
Well, a great way to get the fucking show started.
I love it.
David Jolly and Cam Patterson, everybody.
And now the bucket begins its fury.
Last night, the first bucket poll was a young lady that had never done stand-up
before and did not prepare whatsoever. She got lit the fuck up.
How many of you were here last night?
Amazing. Amazing.
Well, here we go. Your first bucket bowl of the night from section 107, Roby C-Date.
We wrangled up.
Oh it makes a noise for the fucking bucket pool girls tonight.
Yellow Rose.
Hell yeah.
I love you.
I love you.
Shane is in love.
I love you.
I care about you.
Look at.
I can treat you so well.
Come here. I love you. Shane is in love. I love you. I care about you.
I can treat you so well.
Come here.
Come here.
Make some noise for your first bucket bowl of the night,
Cameron Targarud.
Oh, shit.
Hey, what the fuck is up, Austin?
Brian holds me sold me a shirt in the parking lot, but he didn't have any fucking pants I
Drove here from Minnesota saw a lot of weird signs that kept seeing watch for ice on bridge watch for ice on bridge
Why are there so many Mexicans on the fucking bridge?
Why are there so many Mexicans on the fucking bridge? Yeah.
Track my friends' legs.
How's Dayton going?
Dayton's weird.
There's only two types of girls that are into me.
There's the ones that drive a minivan,
and there's the ones that drive a hearse.
Good thing for me, they both look the same from the back.
They have some key differences. One screams, put babies in me. The other one screams, I
work at Planned Parenthood. Either way, I'm stuck with one of those fucking baby on board This is so funny. This is so funny. This is so funny.
This is so funny.
Still hot, but no pants.
Thank you.
Wow, what the fuck?
First time comedian ever.
I love it. That was my next question.
You're ahead of me on that one.
First time, a lot of things it seems.
What the fuck are you?
I'm really weird.
I sell oddities for a living.
Dead animals, human skulls.
I've sold over 50 human skulls.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Imagine for real, imagine doing heroin
and then getting up in front of an arena
This is literally like Jimmy Hendrix shit
Just sells the skulls of his friends after they overdose
This is incredible, why do you have tits?
I'm fat fucking I'm getting post out Malone. Oh no. Oh Jesus Christ. What is that to for?
What is that? I'm diabetic. Oh God, you are disgusting and you have extremely ashy knees
for some reason. I haven't showered in three days. I drove here. Oh my God.
Imagine that after the first two people
that were on this stage,
the Ashy Need Diabetic is this guy.
Would you have guessed that?
Mark that on your Kill Tony bingo cards.
Holy shit.
You look like if Kid Rock and Crack Rock had a baby.
This is amazing.
Oh, wow.
Holy shit, so Minnesota, huh?
Yeah.
And you've never done stand-up before?
Never before.
And you made the drive for this?
Yes.
You drove?
Yes.
What kind of car?
A Hans Kim van.
It's hooked up.
I got a bed, so.
What do you, can you make a living working
at this oddity shop?
I do.
Wow. How much is the attraction of you?
Oh, it's my dog
He's not here, but right dog. No, I mean, I'm white. I don't know
Okay, you're what white? Yeah
Fuck yeah, yeah, brother. No know you got a lot wrong with you,
but I'll tell you what, you are still white brother.
Ha ha ha.
Never give up my white brother.
Nah, I'm kidding, give up.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
It's a camera, obviously.
I was joking for real, don't give up.
Oh, here we go.
Obviously, you were born and raised in Minnesota.
Yes, sir.
And you're a fan of the show?
Yes, sir.
So you've seen a lot of interviews on this show.
Yes.
What would be really surprised to know about you?
The fact that you work at an oddity store
would be my first guess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So tell us more about you.
What would we be surprised to know?
You accidentally revealed that you're diabetic as fuck. Uh, yeah, I got toes missing from being diabetic.
Wow. Yeah, that sucks.
No, Michael, no.
You don't get to queue up fucking.
I'll show you, it's fucked up.
Is it? All right, show us. Who gives a...
Oh my god.
Wait a second.
Wait, put your fucking foot flat.
He had a penny in his shoe.
A penny came out of his shoe.
Oh my god.
I did find that penny today.
Go check that.
That was the good luck.
That's good luck.
And now you're here.
You're becoming a superstar.
I had to find the penny pick that shit up.
Oh yeah.
No.
Was it heads or tails?
It's heads.
It's heads.
I literally had a pinky toe removed two weeks ago. Yo, throw that penny in the crowd Oh throw that penny in the crowd throw that penny in the crowd
Yeah, dude, it's right there
Tend to back
Oh someone tried to catch it that's a shocking maneuver
Someone literally jumped up and tried to catch the guy I tried to catch
it he missed
penalty gay guy on the field you have a girlfriend Cameron I do yeah where'd you
meet her at a bar but. But ten years ago?
You're lying. You met her...
And reconnected on Tinder.
Reconnected on Tinder.
You met her in a fucking tent.
Yeah.
Yo.
That's what they're calling the methadone clinic now, the bar.
Tony.
Sorry. Sorry.
Thought we were allowed to have fun, dude.
I didn't know you guys were gonna be fucking gay.
We're not allowed to make fun of dudes for doing heroin anymore, is this not the United States?
Heroin and diabetes is a fucking wild mix, dude.
I love you, you're fucking, I love it.
I love what you're up to, dude.
For real, I support you 100%.
Are you treating your diabetes at all sometimes seems like you eat a
lot of fucking bread Tony he has ghosts in his knees they don't look good like
look at them they're sick look at the faces in those knees yeah okay very good
red band red band don't be fucking mean dude this is an epidemic this is a
real-life thing that's affecting our entire country.
And nobody's doing anything about it other than kill Tony, bringing him on stage.
That's right. That's right.
Just joking around, dude, you're doing great. You're killing it.
Thank you, man. Dude, that bitch that went up first last night,
oh, that grinded my gears so bad.
It did?
Yeah. Because it, prepare. Okay okay first time comedian funny, right? Obviously fuck yeah, fuck yeah
Be funny there you go. Thank you Cameron. You fucking nailed it dreams really do come true
a sweet success the diabetic Cameron
Tagarude our first bucket pull of the night.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
That was fucking wild.
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Okay, you guys having fun yet?
It's time for your second bucket pull of the night, representing section 122, row G.
Make some noise for Hefe Flores.
Hefe, ladies and gentlemen.
Hefe Flores.
Hefe.
Oh, la la la.
Oh shit, I'm on big Tony.
I'm finding out I'm not the smart father.
I'm dumb.
My daughter called me Sped the other day.
I looked at her like, Sped?
What the fuck does that mean?
Walked away.
Next day I asked her,
you need any help for homework?
She goes, no, I'm good.
I go, she goes, you're sped.
And I go, sped.
I looked at her like, huh, walked away again.
I went back to her, I said, what does sped mean?
I'm fast, I know I'm fast.
She goes, nah.
She walks away. I look at her, I go look I'm fast. I try to run
She goes nah
Me to retarded as all shit
You might be right
That's my time
Yeah, no you cock suckers
Oh, yeah. No, you cock suckers.
Keep going.
Another one.
You got any more bangers in the chamber?
That sucked, dude.
Welcome to another episode of Big Tony.
Do you know where you're at?
No, I know.
I watch a show all the time.
I was just being silly.
It was like, for sure.
The throwaway.
It's crazy.
I thought that was funny.
And then it all went downhill from there.
OK.
Relax, comedian section.
Have you done stand-up before?
My first time.
What made you choose tonight to start?
Well, been a big fan of your show for the longest time.
That hell.
Magabino pussy. Put my hand in the bucket.
What?
Oh yeah, dude.
Throw my name in the bucket.
Hey, good call.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Told you, cause me sped.
Okay.
And how old are you?
37.
You're always retarded.
You might be retarded.
I told you.
You're 37? 37 37 you're joking not lying
Seriously, seriously, no
Promise you you have your idea on you. Yes. Let me see that fucking thing. What year were you born? Oh?
My god, I believe you stop put it away put it away put it away. Oh
My god, you are the oldest looking 36 year old
Camera guy, can you zoom in on this guy's fucking demented face? Look at this. Why are you so gray?
Yeah, you look like red bands grandfather
Huh look the same can't say nothing
Did you see a ghost or something like what happened? What happened in your life that made you age a tremendous amount? You literally look like Sean Connery bloated right now.
I've been through some shit.
Tell us about it.
Big fan of the show.
Nervous.
I bet you.
Well, I had a daughter at 23 years old,
so time wasn't really on my shit.
And then this having a kid. God damn, dude. 23 years old so time wasn't really it wasn't really on my shit and then
Just having a kid god damn dude
Keep going keep going fuck all these people do tell us your story
Not just wasn't on my shit. So just had a lot of stress. You just had a bit. You just were stress, baby You had a bad life
Yeah, kind of that's all right. It's good turn around definitely
How about now?
Is it still stressful?
A little bit.
What's the most stressful part of your life?
Just answer honestly.
Right now, I take care of my parents.
Oh, you're Latino.
Yeah, Latin.
How do you guys feel about booing now?
Yeah.
Boo me now, motherfucker.
Well, don't get cocky.
Boo.
They're going to boo.
Here you go, half-a. Congratulations, your first time cocky. Boo. They're gonna boo. They're gonna boo.
Here you go, Hefe.
Congratulations, your first time doing stand-up.
I thought you were...
I hope the two won the catches tonight.
Damn.
You caught that like a diabetic transdude from Minnesota.
There he goes, Hefe, everybody.
Well, it's time for one of the special treats, ladies and gentlemen.
Doing a minute tonight, you're not gonna fucking
believe it but this man is coming fresh off of being awarded the 2023 guest of the year Dr. Bill! Austin, how we feel? Make some motherfucking noise if you're having a good time. I know
I am. I'm fired up. Clap you piece of shit. Thanks for coming out. happy new year. I've never done stand-up before, so bear with me.
Hans Kim has great one-liners.
I'm just talking about the slits he calls his eyes.
All right, what else we got here?
Wrote some stuff down.
Okay. Hans came looks like if a
scream mask was Asian.
I thought that was pretty funny.
Also true, which is why it's funny.
Hit me with something, Mike.
There it is.
What else we got?
Hans looks like he has
genital fried lice.
Sounded like a chicken. There it is. What else we got?
Hans looks like he has genital fried lice.
Sounded funnier on the drive over, moving on.
Hans looks like he comes to the ad before the porn starts.
I think we've all done that, Shane.
There it is.
Okay.
Connecting.
I'm connecting and then creating friendships.
Hans, what else? I don't know. I just wrote, fuck Hans here. I ran out of ink. I still
haven't forgiven Hans for breaking up the Beatles. I think we all uh... Yeah, one more time, Mike. Thank you so much.
Let's move on to Rick Diaz. Rick is also here tonight.
I can't... Are you guys excited for that showdown, by the way?
Good motherfucking guy. I can't fucking wait!
Rick, you know, his delivery is so dry. I'm always like, what style of comedy is that?
Hans girlfriend's pussy?
Like what?
Why is it so dry?
It's gotta be a pussy is what I mean by that.
Rick looks like he has a cerebral palsy light,
which means it's all the looks
with none of the parking spots.
That's funny.
Rick, you're so frail you look
like what happens when a woman gets pregnant by precom. Alright, that made me laugh. That
was good. I'm a fan of that one. I'll probably say that again to myself, to not. Most people
don't know I played college football, but it wasn't that impressive.
It was before blacks were allowed in the league.
So okay, that one split the audience.
That's on me.
What else?
What else?
Oh, I asked AI to write a joke for me.
Do you guys want to hear it?
I thought because look, life is all about choices.
And sometimes we don't back up the choices we make and we need a little help. So I thought
I'd ask AI. And this is what AI came up with. This is AI, not me, Dr. Phil. AI wrote, Backstreet
boy Nick Carter's sister was just found dead. Only one year after his brother Aaron's death,
when asked how he felt about the situation,
Nick said, I want it that way.
So that's what AI said.
That's an AI joke.
You can Google it.
Suck my dick and fuck my butt.
All right.
I wrote that.
That wasn't AI.
I added that just in case it didn't go over well.
But it did.
Moving on.
David Lucas looks like he fucks with his shirt
on to cover his sports bra that's pretty funny. David Lucas what can I say about
David Lucas that his downstairs neighbors haven't screamed at their
ceiling already. N word, N word, N word. David looks like he sniffs the girls
underwear just to see what she ate last.
That's funny.
There it is, right on cue, Mike.
A couple more, then I'll go brush my teeth or, I don't know, suck my own dick.
All right, what else we got?
David looks like a police sketch that was drawn with coal.
I think we've all seen what coal is,
so we know why that one works.
No!
Oh my God.
David looks like his favorite position
is front of the buffet line.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No. No. No. No. that's it. Thank you so much. You guys are a lot of fun. Appreciate it.
Wow!
Wow.
Four minutes, 38 seconds of thunder and fucking lightning.
Riding the wave of last night's guest of the year.
Given to him by the actual fucking Dr. Phil.
Shout out to Dr. Phil. Shout out to me. the actual fucking Dr. Phil shout out to Dr. Phil shout out to me that
was fucking insane that was yeah what a legend the real Phil yep absolutely fucking incredible
that was an unbelievable set Dr. Phil you really attacked a lot of the regulars absolute incredible
performance how did you practice for this well Well, in front of the mirror, uh, but also I feel like most things, uh,
that you want to achieve at a high level should be done in front of the mirror,
uh, whether it's, uh, comedy or, uh, racism, you know,
I do want to say, uh, uh,
I couldn't have done it without the support of the kill Tony fans.
You guys are maybe the best fans in all of comedy. And I mean that.
That's why I said it.
And I want to say something real quick,
it's an honor to be on this stage for a variety of reasons,
but I'm a big fucking fan of Shane and Matt.
So one more time for those fucking legends.
Shane is a great example of overcoming adversity.
SNL said no, but guess what?
The people said, let's fucking go.
That's right. Let's fucking go
Way to time that out fellas that was fucking sweet every comedian wants to fucking hit one of those
Let's try it one more time just for good measure
and hit one of those. Let's try it one more time just for good measure.
Okay, okay, little late, little late, little late. We'll get it.
Six. Dr. Phil, how are you enjoying Austin, Texas? Austin's fun. You know, I went to college at Midwestern State. Got my BA there, got my master's at another
college I just fucking forgot, but oh University of North Texas is what it says.
I'm a Wikipedia. Yeah. Mean Green. Who? Mean Green. Yep, there it is. Anybody go to
University of North Texas? Okay, hold on.
Fucking retard.
Yeah, you fucking losers.
That was a joke.
You fell right into our trap.
You fucking dumb fucks.
Where you going, sir?
To get a drink?
Okay.
Yeah, wrong way.
We're all going to watch you as you leave.
I haven't seen somebody do that move in a while, you know?
He gave me that, and then he turned it into a beverage and fucking...
Oh, okay.
Where'd that come from?
Okay.
I do need to tell you, the edibles have kicked in. So if you do that again, I'm gonna fucking have a seizure salad.
By the way, okay, little scenario for you.
My wife and I, we like to mix it up, okay?
We'll do things a little differently, sexually sometimes.
Was that you, Red Band?
Somebody else has their own sound effects in the audience, I think.
That guy, that guy hitting his head against one of these rails.
That was funny.
Yeah, he probably, yeah, that guy fucking sucks.
No, but Robin and I, we, we try to do something different.
I'll try to surprise her in the bedroom.
I think after 30 plus years, you got to just make it exciting.
Right?
So now when I come, I'll play, give it to me.
Ready?
Well, I'll show it.
I'll set it up.
So I'll be getting ready to come.
And then you hit that when you feel like I'm when I'm done.
Come.
Does this, does this make sense?
Or here we go.
Oh, fuck yeah. Here we go. Here we go. It's about to happen and it's happening.
Okay, we'll probably edit this off the YouTube stream. Happy to be here Tony. The spy's behind it. What's happening? Oh, shit.
Oh, shit, the crowd.
You and the band are in sync.
So it's been a dream of mine.
We all have dreams, you know, Tony.
Before you were a comedian, what was your true passion
as a young boy in Youngstown?
Guys, dicks.
It's not on the bench.
It's still on the bench.
It's still on the bench. It's still on the bench. You know, Tony, before you were a comedian, what was your true passion as a young boy in Youngstown? You guys dicks!
It's got a little bit of a pitch.
It still is my passion.
Your real dream, be honest with me.
Ice cream man?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
I wanted to be a comedian.
Let's go.
Always.
From the get-go., I love that well. I want to be a rapper and I've never I
Did and I never thought I'd be up on a stage in the best city in the world with the best comedy fans in the world
And have an opportunity to fucking lay down something real quick
Do you guys mind if I freestyle rap and then I'll get the fuck out of here?
I'm gonna need a little bit more support than that. Do you mind if I freestyle rap? And then I'll get the fuck out of here?
I'm gonna need a little bit more support than that.
Do you mind if I freestyle rap for you?
Get a 70 year doctor full!
Out of your fucking seat for me then.
Show some goddamn respect.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
2023 was fun. But 2024 has just begun. Kill Tony
live is the move tonight. Gays and Jews are gonna have a good
time. Tony Hinchcliffe created a beast while Brian Redman dealt
with his yeast. Infection. Direction. Election. Fake news. Real booze. We're gonna get fucked up tonight.
Tonight. Tonight. We're gonna get fucked up tonight. We're gonna drink all the drinks. We're gonna smoke all the smokes. We're gonna get bucked up tonight. You know why?
Because Austin is the best and Hans Kim's paid for sex
Hans loves the pussy. He loves to feed. He loves to crack and you know what it is we'll be right back Oh yeah baby. Holy shit.
Wow.
Thank you so much Austin. I love you so much.
Join the rest of the show. Kill Cody till I die.
I love you so much.
Robin, turn off the microwave. I got mashed potatoes in the car.
Good night everybody.
I got mashed potatoes in the car. Good night everybody
Holy shit makes them know it's for dr. Bell. Oh my god
Unbelievable holy shit
Unbelievable But that's real yeah yeah, that was unbelievable.
It's world class.
World class.
Who has to follow that?
A bucket pull has to follow that, everybody.
And this is the first one out of the comedians section.
You can light it up.
No section, no rows, no seats.
Make some noise for your first comedian
out of the
comedians tonight. They go by the name of Shiva A.V. everybody.
Shiva A.V. We got Newman up there. Oh, here we go. Shiva A.V. making his way to the stage.
Hey look, it's one of the OG Red Rose girls, the great Kaylee everybody.
Oh hell yeah.
From back in the day she used to clean the microphone during the pandemic at Antones.
She used to think that wiping the microphone was going to help prevent the spread of an airborne disease everybody.
The great people over at Antones everyone. Literally if you've been
there this year kill yourself. Do me a favor. Absolute virtue signalling garbage people. Hey! A little bit about myself.
I am Indian.
That's why I got that just water-boarded look.
Do we have any Indians here tonight?
No.
Never enough.
Billion of us and not a single come to this show.
I like it.
I like being Indian except for, you don't really see a lot of Indian people. No. Never enough. Billion of us and not a single can come into this show.
I like it.
I like being Indian except for, you don't really see a lot of Indian professional sports
here and I blame Nike for that.
Nike clothing, you know, because they made those sweatshops in India, which I know sounds
harsh but just hear me out.
I'm just saying guys, imagine being Indian, working for Nike and then seeing that Nike
slogan day in and day out.
Just do IT.
It's a good joke, yeah, it's a good joke.
Yeah, cause if you don't know the Nike slogan,
it's just do it with a period of that then.
And what makes that joke just a lecture funny
is that it just takes one more
Dot all right guys
Shiva a
This is your first time on the show. Yes, sir. Yes, mr. Tony. Yeah, don't do that. Don't know sirs to fucking Tony
Fuck Tony. Yeah, you don't got to be an uber black mode dude yeah welcome how long even when stand up eight years eight years
yeah Dallas Dallas Dallas Texas yeah kind of, but I'm living out of my car kind of shit. So how does it feel?
How's it?
I used to do that when I lived in Austin like 10 years ago.
Feels about the same.
Say you live you live it out of your car.
Yeah, yeah.
Kind of car.
Nissan Sentra. That's.
Damn, that's a.
What's your. It's pretty bad. What's your star rating? My star rating for Uber? I don't do it anymore but it was
no it was pretty good. It was pretty good. I got to be honest. You don't shit where you eat. Say again? You don't shit where you eat. Yeah, definitely. I may eat where I shat. That's more my style.
You know what I'm talking about?
Fucking nice charcuterie board while you're taking a dump.
Uh, yeah.
Jetski, Jesse Johnson.
I think that if you eat where you shat, then he doesn't.
Uber eats.
Yeah.
Yeah, they wouldn't let me around people. So, no, actually, I did more
Uber driving than the Eats. Yeah. You actually did Uber drive? Yeah. I think every comic
thinks it's going to help them out. And yeah. Come on, man. No, you're right. You're right. You're right. Yeah.
It's either this or terrorism, I guess.
So we got to pick one.
What is your ethnicity exactly?
Indian. Indian. By the way, my name's Sheeva Ari.
Sheeva Ari? Oh, that's an R.
Yeah. Yeah.
Your R looks like a B.
Yeah. It's actually not even my real last name.
My real last name is Chaudhry, but, you know, imagine.
Chocolatey?
Whatever you say, Mr. Kill Tony.
I love it.
Way to fucking obey.
God damn right.
And you look like the actual obey logo piece of art.
Good one, good one.
That was good.
Oh!
Oh! logo piece of art good one good one that was good Pakistan is in the back
When I grow up, I would be pilot for Pakistan
Totally got what you're saying man. Yeah, are you gonna hear say again? You couldn't hear what I said
I got what you're saying, man. Yeah.
Are you couldn't hear it?
Say again?
You couldn't hear what I said?
No, no, I had it.
No, I was...
It's a YouTube video of Pakistani kids getting fired up.
I don't want to do it.
Don't make me do it.
Do what?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no me do. No, no, no, I don't want you to do anything. Okay. Don't detonate. I think for real, I think you, I think, I think for real you were very great
and you've been very funny so far. Thanks. For real. Where do you park your car at?
There's places I get around. A lot of east of 7th Street. There's some places go further up.
I also live in Dallas. So if things get too hairy three-hour drive. It's not insane
Yeah, I
Could I mean does anyone have a place anyone?
There's a lot of people here. I could use a job also
What what are you qualified in what could you possibly do? What's your work history?
I did a little audio engineering, but it's been mainly
Stand-up for the past eight years. I used to work at a comedy club and stuff like so
Yeah, I eat it. Yeah. Yeah, great club. Great. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely
You probably worked with a guy that once tried to cancel me
Pung-dung. Yeah, I fucking know that was respect that was a respectful gun yeah yeah we still we were
kind of part of the same class yeah I was in the basal that you hate him or do
you love him I don't't. I hate him. I hate him. You're coward.
You sell out.
I don't really care.
Classic Cino Indian conflict.
Say again.
Classic Cino Indian conflict.
Yeah.
You guys are fighting over the border right now.
Yeah.
In that case, I don't like him.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, they're fighting each other with like fucking not weapons.
The China Indian border.
They're like, they're like, they're fighting each other with like fucking not weapons the China Indian border they're like that go
like
they're like
they're fighting each other with happy meal toys
yeah well they got like electric tridents that they're fucking stabbing with each other
it's crazy
I got it thank you what were you waiting for me
jump in here jump in here I love it any special skills or talents before I let you go
I can play guitar pretty decent one of the back and track. I don't know
I need a I need a pick but like good eye sniper
It's up to Matt Mueling. Air guitar.
Yeah.
Yo, please.
Do you guys want to see him play guitar?
See.
That's a good cheer.
But if you don't want to see him play guitar, boo.
Fuck that.
Let him fucking rip, dude.
All right.
We're going to let him try.
Dude. Let's fucking see if dude. All right, we're gonna let him try.
Let's fucking see if Reggie, what the fuck is he gonna do with his life?
You better shred.
You better fuck.
Here he goes. He's loading it up. Fucking, look at this.
Fuck it, rip, dude.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Look at this, bread zeppelin' everybody.
This is incredible.
It's amazing.
Oh, hell yeah, that's cool.
Shred, melt my face.
But those of you just listening in the podcast,
he's so overweight that the guitar goes up to his chin.
I'm making do with what I got.
Don't fuck them, dude.
Don't worry about being overweight, dude.
You look beautiful.
Yeah.
All right, that's enough cord.
Let's see what he has.
Wham-nam-nam, wham-nam-nam, wham!
Can I get like a backing track?
You're like jamming with the band.
That's more what I do.
You want a jam?
Yeah, I can, yeah. I get like a backing track? You're like jamming the band. That's that's more what I do. You want a jam? Yeah, I can yeah.
I get knocked down.
Just something just something in like a minor like that.
I like it. I'm looking.
A minor enough about your sex life.
All right, come on.
Good one.
Hey, hey, it was it was two minors.
Okay, play the fucking guitar I don't want to fucking do this anymore.
I fucking hate this shit now.
You're done, you're done, you're done.
The fuck out of here.
Fuck you guys, he's good at sand-o.
I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm not gonna fuck you.
I'm not gonna fuck you.'re done, you're done.
Fuck out of here.
Fuck you guys, he did good at stand-up.
He did good at stand-up.
Ah! Oh The first catch of the night
Nice shit Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
Stand there and watch.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Matt Bacosta. Matt Bacosta. Matt Bacosta. Matt Bacosta. Matt Bacosta. I Yeah
Oh my god
All day all day fucking down
For real my bed I couldn't hear myself play I know you left your part body. That was part, yeah. Whatever. I saw.
No, fucking pussy, he ripped.
Yeah.
Penitonik minor, blue scale, no big deal.
Shiva, you play guitar like a guy that lives in his car.
Yeah.
There's no amp to plug into.
No, it's just me.
All right, you're done.
Goodbye, my friend.
Shiva Ari, everybody.
The Kill Tony debut of Shiva Ari.
You're being nasty, you're being nasty.
You're being a little nasty, I thought you did well.
I can be that way sometimes.
I don't want you to be.
Order up for Damien.
Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go by the way?
Did you ask about Rebelsys?
Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today.
Did you say Rebelsys?
My dad's been talking about Rebelsys.
Rebelsys? Really?
Yeah, he says it's a pill that...
Ssshh!
Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor
if Rebelsys is right for me.
Rebelsys.
Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsys.ca.
Order up for Rebelsys.
The all-new Hyundai Kona All-Electric SUV Order up for Rebelsys. and more possibilities. Welcome to the future of Urban SUVs. The all-new Hyundai Kona.
We made it more wall.
I'm gonna be nasty right now,
because this is one of the newest
controversial characters of the show.
Up until last night, I thought everybody loved him.
He talked about meteorologists, female meteorologists,
Big Tits, and two guys in the back of the room
started to boo because they loved Big Tits,
and he thought that they were booing him
because of his set, but he was doing fine.
The room turned into a panic.
He said, fuck you to the whole room,
and they turned against him.
But I'm excited to see a new minute from truly a guy
that's been one of my favorite comedians for 17 years.
He used to close the main room of the comedy store.
He's a fucking legend. We're lucky to have him.
Your favorite comedians, favorite comedian.
Make some noise for the great and powerful.
Brian Holtzman, everybody.
Live in a fucking arena.
Redemption!
Ah!
Put it up for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, let her hear it!
She can eat all the crackers she wants in bed. I'm not gonna kick her the fuck out of bed. Happy new year and we got a new year coming up 2024
and I'm just hoping you ladies out there will stay in your fucking lane this year.
your fucking lane this year.
Stop doing men's shit, bitch.
Why are you even in the fucking gym lifting fucking weights?
Get out of the gym, you fucking bitch.
What are you doing some kind of vagina pushup? Get the fuck out of the gym.
of trying to push up, get the fuck out of the gym.
You come back in the gym, I'm gonna rape ya.
I'm not gonna rape anybody, I don't even have a knife, but I'm thinking the worst thing I could say
to a woman, right?
If she comes back in the gym, I guess she wants to be raped.
Why do you wanna to do men shit?
If I have to turn on the television one more time and see some dyke 40-ish fucking dyke
Tell me about the football game. I'm up there with it
What the fuck do you know about football bitch?
They're moving chains they're fucking up in the booth, they're on the field.
Lay on your back and just take it.
Get your hair done, get your nails done, lay on your back and get fucked.
What's wrong with that? You want to do everything men want to do and I'm up to here with it
Just some guy to buy your house and learn how to, hey fuck you bitch only kidding I'm just trying to get left you
fucking bitch yeah take me serious bitch
They all want to be police chiefs. Uncle Bob was a police chief.
Granddad was a police chief.
Gan-Gan-Dad-Dad was a police chief.
A whole family of police chiefs.
And then some fucking dyke wants to be a police chief
at this fucking high.
Where's the police chief?
Oh, there she is.
Do you want to be firemen? We used to measure our dick in the firehouse on Tuesday nights.
Potluck, measure our dicks and then some fucking dyke wanted to be a firefighter. No more
measure our fucking dick.
Go ahead bitch, take me serious you fucking nut
They want to send women to the moon they're all busy playing soccer I
Got a girlfriend she wouldn't even walk to 7-Eleven.
She's gonna go to the fucking moon?
And what is she gonna do when she gets to the moon?
Can plane?
I'm not getting out of the moon house, it's too cold.
I'm not going. What's going on here?
There's no shopping on the moon
The worldwide the worldwide
Law enforcement worldwide has come up with a new interrogation technique
It's called flat screen interrogation.
What they do is they get the person, maybe a bitch like that.
And they get the person they want information from and they bring in that flat screen TV
and they show women's fucking basketball. The person will give you all the information in the world
to shut that shit off.
Why would you watch women's basketball
if you can watch men's basketball?
Like going to a whorehouse and jacking off in the lobby. Wow. I fucking love it.
True diabolical edge.
The great Brian Holtzman doing what he does best.
Shock and awe.
I love it. Brian, do you have like nieces and nephews and stuff? I
Love it Brian. Do you have like nieces and nephews and stuff to have like kids in your family or it's like that's my uncle
Everybody knows family is overrated your little family can fuck itself
You won't relate you would never hang out with out with these fucking people, are you kidding me, are you kidding me? Holtzman, how do you feel tonight after tomorrow night, or last night's adversarial set?
Yeah, I wasn't taking any fucking prisoners tonight, fuck it.
Goddamn right.
Goddamn right.
And in the new year, if you don't like comedy, just leave it alone.
Just leave it the fuck alone.
Fuck yeah.
We don't mean what we say, you dumb motherfuckers.
We wouldn't be up here if we didn't love you and wanted to fuck your mother.
You are the fucking man.
I love you. Thank you so much for sharing your unbelievable art with us.
Can we see how loud this place can get for one of the all-time fucking late-night greats, Brian Holtzman?
Come on!
That lady's crapping.
Ah, he turned it around with her.
One or over in the end.
All right, another bucket pull,
has to follow, another legend.
Make some noise for your next comedian.
David Perez, ladies and gentlemen,
from the comedians section.
But I believe they wrangled him, maybe.
I don't know, we get him already.
David Perez, oh, here he comes down the stairway.
David Perez.
Oh no, here's David Perez, okay.
Makes the noise for David Perez, everybody.
You're definitely not David Perez.
I'm Mike.
Yeah.
I'm Mike, Mike Pack, is that right?
Oh, me?
What?
You said Mike Pack or is that the right name?
Well, fuck it dude, you're're here you got that dumbass shirt
Oh, we got him out of order. Okay
What's your name my name is Mike pack, okay? Well we went out of order
It's okay. We went fuck. I'm David Perez. Okay. Okay. Mike pack Jesus Christ. You'll be next my producers fucked up
We pre-pulled the names and went out of order.
It's okay.
Come on guys, you guys got this, come on, team.
I don't care.
The white guy tried to steal your job.
Yep, it's okay.
We pre-pulled names because Mike Pack was
from floor one row E14, so it took a while to get to him.
But here you are, ladies and gentlemen,
the guy that was actually pulled first.
We got to get it in order, guys.
Make some noise for David Perez, everybody.
Perhaps I fucked it up, by the way.
Maybe it wasn't the producers.
Maybe I fucked that up.
So how about one more warm reception
for David Perez, everybody?
Yeah!
H-E-B!
Yes!
You guys like Bill Gates?
Boo!
Right?
Well, you know, we just need to get everybody vaccinated
as soon as possible,
and then my pockets are going to fill up.
Ha ha ha! I'll keep that off the record, Gerald.
Okay, what happened with Melinda?
Well, you know with Melinda?
Well, you know, Melinda, once she found out that I went to Epstein Island, you know, she, you know, we had to cross ties.
Yeah. Okay, that's Bill Gates in an interview.
Booo! Shit!
I got a rainbow tattoo. You guys like rainbow tattoos? Yeah. What about what if Bill O'Reilly was Indian, like an Indian guy? Right? He's like, we'll fucking do it live. Don't fuck around. We'll do it live. There's no wills on there. We'll do it live
Okay
Bro
Have you done stand up before two years two years you've been doing it boo this man
That's the best minute you could come up with
In two years.
I do impressions.
I do impressions.
You do impressions?
Yeah.
Let's see an impression.
Let's see.
You guys want to see something or not tonight.
Do you want to see some fucking stuff tonight or not?
Who's that?
That's Alex Jones.
Oh, you suck.
Oh, really?
You suck.
Here you go, bro.
Enjoy the process.
I don't know about y'all, but I think
Destiny was working its path, because ever since I saw
his face on that Christmas sweater,
I wanted to see our next bucket pool.
I know it's gonna be compelling no matter what.
I don't think he's ever been on this show before,
but this guy looks like he has committed some serious,
serious crimes before.
He's out of the bucket representing floor one, row E.
Make some noise for Mike Pack, ladies and gentlemen.
60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Pack.
There we go, bucket pool number five.
Make some noise for Heidi, everybody.
["Hidey"]
Thank you very much.
Is this shirt too soon?
Or, will it Or we cool Austin?
All right.
It's a good shirt because it's true, sad, and fashionable
all at the same time, right?
Anyway, a little bit about myself.
I left the Satanic Colt, ran by pedophiles,
after being in it for 25 years. In February 2nd, 2019, I don't know if you guys are familiar with this Colt, ran by pedophiles after being in it for 25 years.
In February 2nd, 2019, I don't know if you guys are familiar with this Colt.
It's called Hollywood.
Do you ever hear of it?
Yeah, I worked there for 25 years as a TV producer.
Now I expose it.
And I tried to go to a bar in Hollywood recently, and it was called Hyde.
And they wouldn't let me in because I got, you know, I'm blacklisted.
And I said, do you know what the fuck I am and they go uh no I go neither do I
that's why I'm shopping for therapists so they gave me a referral which is nice
so I just moved back to Chicago I just moved back to Chicago and I moved in
with my best friend we own it we a two flat, he's a Jew.
And he just came out of the closet, he's being gay.
His pronoun is he blew.
Have you ever?
Oh Jesus Christ.
Mike Pack, Mike Pack.
Okay, Bear, we got him, we got him.
He's done, Bear.
Damn.
Mike Pack, have you done stand-up before?
Yeah, I did. It was a long time ago. I used to open up for the late great Screech from, say, Bother Bell, Europe. Damn. Mike Pack, have you done stand-up before? Yeah, I did. It was a long time ago.
I used to open up for the late great Screech
from, say, Bother Bell.
You're a-
No.
Yeah.
You used to open for Screech?
Yeah, in Chicago.
Here and there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
I can't hear it.
How many times did you open for Screech?
Like four or five times and then I did some.
I used to do audience warm up for the Jenny Jones talk show in Chicago when I was a producer
there.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So just here and there, but just going in.
I got it.
You got producer energies.
Are you on full blown Reddlin right now?
Can't hear you.
Haha.
Are you on some type of methamphetamine?
Oh, God, no. Are you on some type of methamphetamine?
Oh God, no.
You take any medicines at all? No, just a little,
no, I just try a little nervous maybe.
Okay.
I don't take any, no, I don't take any medicines.
Okay, you're nervous, very good.
And when's the last time you did stand up before?
2006, it's been a long time.
Okay, yeah, that's a long fucking time.
Yeah, long time.
That's a really long time. Okay. Yeah. That's a long fucking time. Yeah. That's a really long time.
Almost 20 years.
Yeah. It's been a long time.
Hell yeah.
I'm a huge fan.
Huge fan of the show.
I've met you in Milwaukee.
You met me in Milwaukee.
Yeah. I think, do you remember West Hollywood?
Are you starting a conversation?
Did you guys speak to us?
Speed neighbors.
Did you guys speak to us?
In West Hollywood.
Whoa. We were neighbors? Yeah. Kaida, you worked at the Starbucks by me neighbors in West Hollywood? We were neighbors?
Yeah, Kylo, you worked at the Starbucks by me.
And remember that?
You went to the Starbucks?
Yeah, 2007.
You're going to be.
It's a venti, not a large.
I used to work at the Starbucks while I was working at the comedy store
because they used to cut my hours.
They wouldn't give me my full pay because the comedy store didn't make enough
money back then at the time. Yeah, and it was a different fucking Aaron
You go ahead. I stopped a big gay queen go ahead whenever you want
I stopped a big gay queen from trying to beat you up in a when you were managing that star about big gay guy
Trying to fuck you up. Oh
Walkie
What I told you about this in Milwaukee. I don't know if you remember.
You stopped a what?
Some guy was trying to beat you up.
What type of guy?
What type of guy?
A big gay queen.
At the Starbucks in West Hollywood.
You remember we talked about this in Milwaukee, no?
I don't remember.
Can you remind me?
What did you do?
What the fuck is happening?
What did you do in Milwaukee?
I'm about to find out.
I literally don't fucking remember.
No, I'm sorry, Mike Pack. I don't remember talking to do in Milwaukee? I'm about to find out. I literally don't fucking remember. No, I'm sorry, Mike Pack.
I don't remember talking to you in Milwaukee.
Don't let him be mean to you now, dude.
He's being a bitch.
It's just like the guy who sucked Obama's dick.
So remember.
You guys kiss in Milwaukee?
Excuse me?
Did you and Tony, Big Tony kiss in Milwaukee?
Big Tony.
No, I was at his show, and I was the only one he called out.
I was wearing an American flag out at and he called me a fag.
That's right.
He goes, I know that I know.
I know you wear that American flag yet.
You're not hiding anybody.
You're not hiding from it.
You're you're gay.
That's right. Yeah.
There you go.
And then we hung out a little bit.
I think I said it funnier. Way better. And you go. And then we hung out a little bit. You were nice. I think I said it funnier.
Way better.
And you just say, and then we hung out?
Yeah, we hung out the hotel.
What are you talking about?
You hung out the hotel?
Ask Kristi and Yoni.
Ask Kristi and Yoni.
Explain to me.
Oh, you were waiting in the lobby.
You were with somebody that I actually know.
Who were you with?
My gay friend, the gay Jew friend.
But how do I know?
No!
How do I know him?
Well, he met you that night.
There's a fucking connection though.
There's a connection.
Yeah, fucking.
And you're not saying.
A butt connection?
Yes, I'm super gay, thank you Shay.
Yes, I butt fucked this guy.
Hold on, you don't understand why this is hilarious?
Yeah, totally, no I do.
It's so creepy. Do you met Tony in a hotel lobby
with your gay friend and then you guys hung out.
We hung out in the lobby.
How long did we hang out for?
Can you give me a ballpark?
About 25 minutes.
25 minutes, get out.
I hung out with you for 25 minutes.
Tommy, is that right?
Tommy, gay Tommy, stand up.
Tell him it's true.
Were we with a large group of people?
No, it was just you, UI and Tony.
Yes!
Bang and rise.
He was there.
You tied his shirt.
He said he was Tony.
What did we do for 25 minutes?
You guys were on fucking suck Tony.
I was telling you about Jesus Christ.
No, we were talking about getting out of Hollywood.
And I was telling you how I'm exposing it now.
I'm exposing all of you.
So you guys were doing cocaine, come on.
In the lobby of a hotel in Milwaukee.
Were you staying at that hotel?
Yeah, I was staying at the hotel.
I was just getting a drink down there
and I came up to you.
There was a bar.
We're kind of drinking.
It was at a bar.
It was of the hotel.
We were actually more like in the lobby,
but yeah, at the bar.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Very good.
This was a great fucking interview.
Great stuff.
Unbelievable stuff.
I talked to you.
Tony, do you remember talking to me?
Tony, we talked.
You fucking suck, dude.
Yeah, you did.
I'll let you go.
There you go.
Now, we have a special treat.
Somebody that's ready to do comedy.
A legend of the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, what the fuck just happened there?
We need a new mic, Stan Yoni.
Custom made for tonight.
A one night use only.
Yeah, we're gonna get a new one up here.
How about make some noise for Jet Ski, everybody.
All right.
Here's Yoni, everybody. look at the great Yoni.
Making dreams come true.
The great and powerful.
I hung out with them in a lobby once in Milwaukee.
All right, you guys ready for a special fucking treat?
I present to you...
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee?
How is you in Milwaukee? How is you in Milwaukee? Make some noise for former Kill Tony regular.
The great, the powerful, the one, the only, David Lucas! I'm gonna be your friend I'm gonna fall for you I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna be your friend
I'm gonna fall for you
I'm gonna fall for you Yeah.
I think that niggas that fart with no pants on
Are gay as hell
Like why you just out here bear booty fart nigga, what the hell wrong with you?
Got your booty vibrating and rumbling nigga, what the fuck?
That shit weird as hell. It's gay
And a lot of people say that's not gay. I'm like well technically it is
Because you just clapped your own cheeks
They put some underwear on, put some pants on, nigga. Tony Farts with no pants on, that nigga.
Tony Lee actually farts in the shower, he wants it wet.
Alright, man, that's my time.
Thank you.
David Lucas. Say you're literally not going to believe this. I'm not kidding. I had a
fucking extra large protein shake today and went to take a shower and took off my pants
and fucking bare booty farted in the fucking in my own
there's red band hit it we have it up we have it we recorded it red band a
master of his craft that's what it sounded like I bare booty farted today
Tony you look like a limo driver for gay niggas.
You're the one that's stretch black.
Let's fucking go.
You think you're gonna get me in an arena, dude?
You want this?
You want this?
Oh, look at the focus.
Oh, look at the focus.
Jokermans.
Yeah, a good one. Oh look at the focus. Jokermon. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The focus in his eyes is incredible today's litter. I love to see it.
You're ready, dude.
Tony, you work secret service for Sissies.
Only trendies get your service.
You got a dick and a pussy?
Hey, bitch, I got you.
Yeah, sounds good to me
I'm the gay secret service. What's happening bro. This shit is amazing. Make some fucking noise for David Lucas
Legend of the fucking game
second second most sets in the history of the show after my brother William Montgomery
That's right. Absol's an absolute fucking legend.
Give it up for William.
In my opinion, the best killed Tony comedian to ever touch this stage.
Matt McCussel, you look like Macaulay Cokin grown up nigga.
Your ass.
Your ass out here 29 with gray hair bitch that shit crazy as a motherfucker.
You shouldn't have married that black girl nigga she's stressed out motherfucker the ass out.
What the fuck you at nigga?
I don't believe in that comedy shit you need a real job bitch.
Leave them black women to us niggas like me bro you don't need to be with no black girl bro.
You don't treat our black queens right bro. You don't treat our black queens right, bro.
Huh?
You don't treat our black queens right.
Matt Bacuzzi and Shane, I love y'all niggas, y'all niggas.
I'm glad y'all in Austin.
Austin is new comedy capital of the world, baby.
Goddamn right.
And you're a big part of it.
One of the first people to move here. David Lucas retired with Grace
at the 10 year anniversary episode,
gets to do a set anytime he wants.
And we have a special video we're gonna roll right now.
For real?
Let's watch a video, David Lucas.
Here we go. Oh
Shit double David Lucas. Oh my goodness pound for pound worth it twice twice the name
Oh, and we're back. That was it super son.. That was it. God works in mysterious ways. Why y'all niggas prank me?
It's your highlight, your highlight, Dave.
That's shame.
Don't.
You look like you went to a black church last week and they gave you the ability to
walk, nigga, your ass.
Get up, you are healed.
Get out of that chair.
David, I can't stop staring at your magnificent thigh gap.
It starts at your knees, you fucking dumbass.
Look at everybody looking at his fucking disgusting legs.
That's a knee gap.
It is incredible.
Looks like his legs grew in a swamp.
They look like the two sticks that they measure first
downs with at a football game. I know these the two sticks that they measure first downs with
at a football game.
I know these three clans, but they're trying to roast me.
Don't call the clans, but do it.
It's a motherfucking compliment.
You had a ticket towards four years ago, nigga.
Your ass.
Don't make me break it out.
It does look like fucking fourth and short.
Your legs look like more than short, you dumb fuck.
Shane, get your motherfucking albino salamander looking at ass up out of here.
You want to talk skin?
Don't make fun of my skin.
Matt, get your Jason Statham Lincoln ass up out of here.
Nick, what the fuck, Rose?
You look like the hamburger helper gloves walking, dude.
Get the fuck out of here.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh my God! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's new years motherfucker. God damn right. And with that said, ladies and gentlemen.
Hell yeah.
I present to you.
You're going to pop that pussy at 12, nigga.
Absolutely.
I'm going to pop it right now.
Bit over.
That's right.
Show me what you're working with.
You was in that little Nas X video, nigga.
I see you.
And you're going to soda pop that pussy.
Ladies and gentlemen, the video for David Lucas here we go
Tony boy you look like a gay cleanse when they can put that hood on
Well, I basically any time I'm around you I feel like a gay
Like a you look like a gay gal in the milk, nigga.
Your ass.
Oh.
That shit full of semen, nigga.
Oh, my God.
Why you put on white, bitch?
You about to get baptized, nigga?
Your ass.
They tipped that nigga in the war to booty first, boy.
Put this.
You're the only kid to get baptized
with his t-shirt still on. Ha ha ha.
T-shirt, shirt, shirt, shirt.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds
goes by the name of David Lucas.
Here we go.
I knew I was from the hood
because my mom bought us the hood version of Monopoly.
And every space on Monopoly was go to jail.
And hood Monopoly, you start off with a light bill
in your name, you know?
Like, damn, I just started playing.
How the fuck I owe $1,200 already?
Hood Monopoly is fun.
That's a fucking fun thing.
It's a great joke.
Yeah, I appreciate it.
I like your joke.
Yeah.
And how long you been on stand up?
Started when I was a teenager, so like nine years.
I've seen you do quite a lot of roast battles.
So it was a period in time where you were taking
on a new person every week upstairs.
It was like an open challenge.
Congrats on a killer minute.
I love that monopoly, but you nailed it.
There he is, David Lucas.
I was with this one girl who liked to be choked during sex
and like we was fucking and I choked her
and the bitch passed out.
And a nigga like me watched criminal minds at CSI.
So I'm like, damn, how am I gonna throw
these niggas off my case?
So I took her cell phone
and I sent myself a text like, where you at?
Boom, that is exactly how it's done.
You're wearing a Rocky shirt.
Is that because the road is your favorite type of ice cream?
Lick it, Tony, look at like a nigga
that Michael Jackson touched.
Oh shit, oh shit, Here we go. This yo shit
This killed Tony. Yeah, but right now was David fucking Lucas. You know what I'm saying? All right, absolutely
I need an agent. I need a manager man. Oh my god. To manage what your weight
I love you. That's it.
Stop everything.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas has been,
has been absolutely murdering on this show.
David Lucas is the new regular on Kill Tony.
He will be joining William Montgomery on a weekly basis.
It will be William Montgomery and then David Lucas
until one of them pass away.
I don't Tony look like he do valet and cheesecake factory.
I mean, you would know what the valet guys at cheesecake
factories look like. Brother HIV medicine got you turning red.
Nigga, what the fuck going on?
Oh my God.
You son of a bitch.
Are you wearing a Selena shirt
because you always get shot with insulin?
Look like a Christmas wrap dildo.
All right.
All right.
How dare you?
You look like what Santa puts in the stockings of the bad kids. You look like you host a game show called coming out of the
closet. All right. All right. You look like you host a game show called meal or no meal.
I love you wearing one of Jay Leno's car covers here tonight.
This is a beautiful picture.
Tony, you look like you drive limos for gay niggas.
Niggas stretchin'.
Yep, my limos are more stretched than your skin.
Miss Hitchcliff, how you feel having a sassy ass daughter? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha How did you find a belt that's bigger than your waist? Like how do you have slack?
How do you have all that slack? It's long enough for you to hang yourself off.
Plenty of run.
You're just jealous that I can hang myself, David Lucas.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,
David Lucas and Luna Lucas, everybody.
Oh my God.
Wow.
Live in the flesh.
I'm going to check in with our two-year-old guest to see what she thought about your set tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, the great Luna Lucas.
What do you guys think, baby?
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
What do you guys think, baby? Bye-bye.
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Your forehead, your forehead, your forehead, you got a BBO, bitch, your ass. Hold this for a second.
What is that, bitch?
Hold this. That's a regular size book.
You fat fuck.
You mean it?
Professor Hitchcliff in this bitch.
Burr Christ should look like he smell like
air freshener baloney.
Boy, get your...
Hey, let them see your outfit, bruh.
Let them see your outfit. You look like a smell like air freshener baloney. Boy, get your... Hey, let them see your outfit, bruh.
Let them see your outfit.
You look like a Kansas City Easter Bunny.
Niggas, yo.
This is what I'm fucking...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You look like you take pizzas out the oven
with no oven mitt.
You look like you're in a gang,
but you still read comic books under a blanket
with a flashlight.
Hey, Tony, he look like he do that thumb trick in front of kids.
You know what I'm talking about?
And he...
Yeah, you making fun of him?
He'll do that thumb trick.
Hey, y'all want to see something cool? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, When I was in high school, my mom was getting her GED. And now you're getting your KFC.
And tonight you're gonna get a BBC.
Yeah.
David's so busy on the road that he gets to do a spot on kill Tony anytime he wants in the future
But this is officially his full-time retirement party right now in front of you guys
We did it. We set the record Hey! Congratulations, what a run you've made on Kill Tony!
I'm proud of you, I'm almost good to be your friend!
That's right, the third ever, only the third member ever of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.
Joining Michael Ayer and William Montgomery,
Joining Michael Ayer and William Montgomery,
here's Yoni to present you with the third ever
Hall of Fame.
Bucket.
The great, powerful David Lucas.
We tried to contact, the goal was to have the Guinness Book of World Records give us the title of the two people that have made fun of each other the most.
But the people over at Guinness World Records are kind of gay.
Oh shit.
It's like a black church.
He did it. Oh shit, it's like a black church.
He did it.
David, turn around.
Look at this fucking audience
nothing nothing nothing try... I just want to say thank you for the Kill Tony family for supporting me. Me and Tony have been roasting each other for numerous amounts of years.
You guys have at my shows.
Make sure you come to a show.
DavidLukasComedy.com.
I got Kansas City, LA, and numerous other cities.
Canada, I'm everywhere.
The great city of Canada.
Oh, man, that's crazy.
I just want to thank Tony, thank Red Band.
We thank you, my friend.
We absolutely love you.
You've been very much earned.
Not easy to do to go toe to toe every week.
You've taken more roast jokes than anybody
in the history of the show.
William and Michael Lair,
Hall of Fame members that have always been quite protected.
You've literally shown your fucking,
literally your thick skin.
You son of a bitch.
I can still roast even when I'm fucking emotional,
you fucking fag.
I've never seen you lose this much water weight.
Only time you lose weight is when a nigga
take his dick out of your ass.
You son of a bitch, get out of here.
You fucking sissy. We love you. I think I'm
surprised you to have RuPaul singing the national anthem. I tried to get them. I tried to get
I know you tried to get that nigga so you can relate to somebody. Amen. I love y'all. David Lucas ladies and gentlemen the newest and third ever a very
exclusive club
The Kill Tony Hall of Fame
One more time for David Lucas, everybody. A legend of the game.
Unbelievable.
A bucket poll has to follow that, ladies and gentlemen.
A normal human being has to follow.
We have one of our ring girls coming.
Keep the shit moving.
We got a lot to get to still. You guys have energy left?
You guys well rested and ready to bring this thing down the home fucking stretch.
Make some noise for a random bucket pool representing section 115.
It's Paxton Gobin everybody.
Make some noise for Isabel from the Yellow Rose. Thank you to Jonathan Joseph, the owner
of the Red and Yellow Rose. Thank you. I love you.
You're loyal. One more time for Paxton Gobin everybody. Come on.
Hey everybody, I'm from Indiana, the Boonies, Brownstown.
I had to drive here with my family 17 hours all the way down.
First off, I have six, seven other siblings, so my dad's a bit of a man whore. and days before we were about to come,
he ripped his dick in half.
Fucking too much.
And we thought he wasn't going to make it.
Thankfully he did.
We made it all here.
And...
Getting to the hotel, we wanted to get some drugs and we wanted to get some drugs and
I paid the guys on Telegram and I thought my brother went out to talk to the guy. We
get out there. This guy is talking about how many times he's been shot and stabbed and dealing cocaine since he was eight in New York.
It wasn't the drug dealer.
Wow, there he is.
Hey, happy 2023, brother.
Paxton Gobin.
I couldn't quite hear. We're having a little audio.
Do I need to stay closer?
No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop talking.
Your dad ripped his dick. Is that what you said?
Yeah. That's an actual thing.
That that way.
Split it out wide.
There have been one. There's one other surgery that happened
like him and he's the second guy that's had that's had it
Jesus Christ. I want to talk to him. Is your dad here? Yeah, they're always not there. Are you serious? Where's four of us?
My did your did your dad sign up? Yeah, are you fucking serious? All right. Well, I'm sick of you. Say your dad's name
Bruce go. Bruce fucking
go. Sorry, Paxton. You kind of suck. I want to talk to the old banana split. You tell
me. Is that him? Show us your dick, Bruce. Oh, we're going to see his dick. Oh, I'm going
to look for stitches with my tongue. My friends from Milwaukee that I butt-bucked in a hotel lobby,
you can come up and, all right, you son of a...
It's not true, it's not true.
Let it go, it's not true.
Come on, I'm hell-bent here.
I'm staying in the closet.
I'm gonna give a special shout-out to our new home club
of the comedy mothership, by the way.
The great Carrie Mitchell is here somewhere.
OK, well, well, well, look who it is.
Old split Dick Jenkins over here.
Did you prepare a minute for tonight?
Kind of, but he took some of my.
Oh, look at that.
The apple doesn't fall far from the old split tree over here. It was
more around and split. Wow. It appears as though section one 22 has started a show that
dick chant that has spread all the way through the room.
I don't wanna go to jail.
Are you willing to show us your penis?
Stand right here and just show us, show the table.
This way the cameras don't cover it.
Yeah, you don't have to look, you homophobe.
No, you gotta look at this.
I'm gonna make sure you're looking. Oh my God. Hold on.
Go back over there. Go back over there. There is an actual fucking bandage wrapped around
it. How long ago was the Dick's split week? We go to that. I was frantic.
I assumed that this was years or months ago.
I didn't realize we would be like 40 some years to tear the sun
bitch up, but I finally did it.
Yeah, I've never seen a dick in a cast
That was crazy yeah, tell me about I scared that damn how did you how did you do that?
Having sex come on seriously though selects with what?
What were you having sex with?
She's a boy.
She's a girl.
Five foot five.
Did you face fuck a crocodile?
Ha ha ha ha.
Seriously though, take us step by step.
So you're fucking and then what happens?
Don't just say, well, it's Monday.
Come on, take us through the fucking.
Well, it's fucking and then all of a sudden,
it was a big pop.
Yeah. Wait, you squirted? It was fucking and then all of a sudden it was a big pop
Wait you squirt it But I'll tell you what I I knew I heard it, but I went ahead and finished just to make sure
That it still worked
Do you you blame her where you, what are you on your periods? She told me you were on your period.
I know there's going to be the most blood of all time.
That was good.
How long did you fuck with a split dick?
It took me a few minutes to finish, but yeah,
about five minutes.
So you heard a pop, you just kept fucking,
you didn't look at it. I looked at it, about five minutes. So you heard a pop, you just kept fucking,
you didn't look at it.
I looked at it, we checked it out.
And then you put it back in?
And then I put it back in.
Shut the fuck up.
Hold on a second, is the woman that you fucked here tonight?
I left her in Indiana.
Yeah.
To Indiana. I left her in Indiana
This show is fucked up man. Oh
My god
Wow So then what you go to the fucking you don't seem like a hospital going guy
It took a while it had to get good and black and hurting for I went.
How long was that a couple of days? Like probably about eight hours, eight hours.
And it was very painful. And you had a black penis. Yes.
I was sitting in the, you seem like the kind of guy that would not like to have
a black penis inside of a woman that you're
a guy that would not like to have a black penis inside of a woman that you're probably fucking.
Must have been nice though.
It's alright for a minute.
Tell you what, I'll tell you what, the colors come back.
That thing is a miniscule dong.
No, I'm joking.
That was as big as I get hard.
Yeah.
You got a good cock, dude.
Obviously, you've got the IQ of 28.
Your dick's huge.
Yeah, dude, he's got that fucking forest pump.
You know what I'm saying?
He's got that fucking...
It did look wet.
That thing is self-lubricating.
It is always ready.
Matt McCuster? It's a ointment, yeah. It's a neo-spawn. That thing is self lubricating it is always ready
It's a ornament. Yeah. Yeah, it's a neo spawn
Is that what they gave you just regular old regular old back to Tracen
Regular old what? Tracen and the ornament. I don't know what the fuck holy shit. You know everybody knows here plain old bass tricin
Nobody knows what that is dude. We're not getting wounded like you
Did your dick explode from getting too hard or did you hit like a divider?
How did your dick explode was a blunt?
Because this is important for all of us
No, you didn't get that far up in the pussy stop it did
You hit like a bone?
Oh, and it bent?
You hit a dead end?
Yeah, dead end.
You hit a fork in the road?
You hit the old tailbone, the old median.
I don't know.
Unbucking.
Got a snake tongue.
Unbelievable.
Wow, you're so much more interesting than your son.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
You ever think about splitting your fucking dumb son in half?
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Now I'm afraid he'll turn black.
Ha ha ha.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
This is Kill Tony.
Let's go. I'll tell you what, my friend.
I didn't hear a fucking joke from you,
but you got one of those coming at you.
And Paxton, you got one of those.
There you go, my friends.
Get the fuck out of here.
Onward we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time.
You know, we've been through two arena shows,
and we are yet to see a golden ticket winner.
This is that moment.
One of the great golden ticket winners
of the show's history.
Hell yeah, here's the great Heidi
to let you know what the fuck is up.
Heidi!
Mommy!
I love you, I care about you.
Shane would like to split his dick inside of you. I'll treat you so well, dude. You have no idea
Unbelievable I wish I was into women it would be very exciting
My bad dude let it go we were joking around
What happens in Milwaukee stays in Milwaukee.
What happens in Milwaukee stays in Milwaukee dude you're fine.
What I would do to her.
Whoa Jesus.
One of the greatest Golden Ticket winners in the history of the show.
He went straight from an appearance on Kilt Tony was recruited
off of Kilt Tony by Howie Mandel for America's Got Talent.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Aaron Belial! I'm not sure if you can hear me I'm not sure if you can hear me I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me I look like Matt Reif, and I actually got offended
on his behalf.
I look like Matt Reif's twin brother after an abortion. In Canada, abortion is legal for 24 weeks,
but if the baby has Down syndrome, it's so much later.
You can do it for 24 years.
And if you make it to 25,
Walmart offers you a job as a greeter.
It's fucked up.
Right now, there's a baby with Down syndrome crowning in Canada, and there's a doctor
with a mallet saying, there's still time.
You can do it right up until they can say no.
When you ask, do you want to be aborted?
That joke was a test to see how fun you guys are going to be.
If I bombed tonight, Tony told me he's going to take my green card away and send me back
to Canada to get a late term abortion.
The one and the only Aaron Ballio, ladies and gentlemen, representing Canada tonight,
representing cerebral palsy,
and representing...
the Golden Ticket winners.
How are you, Aaron?
Fuck yeah. Good, I bet.
This is amazing.
Never done anything like this before.
This is an unbelievable honor.
I'm so grateful, Tony.
Thank you, Tony.
It's all because of you. You found me.
You have great taste and unbelievable life for talent.
Your instincts are absolutely mind-blowingly incredible.
You're not gay at all. You're a hot guy.
You're a womanizer, a stud, and a great human being.
Polite, nice.
You just want me to suck your dick right now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm telling you, I'll just say it. Why did I do that? I'm telling you.
I'm telling you.
Well, Tony, since the last time I was on the show, I've been accused of being a drug
mule and molested multiple times by men.
Hmm.
Welcome to my world.
Were they in Milwaukee?
Yeah, let it go, doesn't matter doesn't matter
Have you ever been to Milwaukee? No, all right, he can barely walkie at all
We're doing it. Hey Tony, did you know your mom loves me?
She's messaging me all the time telling me I'm like the son she never had.
How do you son of a bitch?
My mom does message regulars and golden ticket winners and a lot of my friends regularly.
Yes, in red band.
A lot.
Uh, what else is going on, Aaron?
I get recognized a lot more these days.
One guy was like, aren't you that retarded guy from Kill Tony?
I was like, first of all, we don't use that word.
And secondly, his name is Red Band?
Yes. and killin' in an arena in the greatest country on planet Earth.
I'd imagine this is a fuckin' real moment for you.
What else is goin' on there?
And tell me more.
You fuckin' hilarious robot motherfucker.
Hey, you gotta be so good. I got molested again at the Diamond Head Mountain hike in Hawaii. You fucking hilarious robot motherfucker.
Hey, you gotta be so good. I got molested again at the Diamond Head Mountain hike in Hawaii.
I just air dropped the video to Red Band.
Thanks, Al. Use that later.
The fan in the back was gripping both my ass cheek.
I got molested again at the Diamond Head Mountain hike.
The fan in the back was gripping both my ass cheek.
So hard I thought his thumb was gonna bust through the back of my shorts. Oh shit. Oh you went on a little hike. Oh
My respect to David Goggins
Did you come who's gonna carry the boats?
Yeah, who's gonna carry the boats?
He's like, don't worry, I'm helping.
And I'm like, if your thumb pokes through,
I'm gonna have to use this thing on you.
Oh, shit.
He would have bit that thing, dude.
It was a good chicken wing.
He would have beat the shit out of you.
Yeah. He would have beat the shit outta you. Yep.
Pfft.
I fell in a waterfall hiking in Hawaii, and I lost my car keys, and had to hitchhike home.
It's tough to hitchhike when people think I already got ran over by a car.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
It looks like that girl I just got released from prison.
That is incredible.
I didn't know they were doing a live action version of ET.
This is amazing.
Look at the tats you have.
You're a little badass on your right side, huh?
Hell yeah.
The left is fucking, it's like politics.
The right side's cool and the left is fucking crooked and janky.
Hey, that's a good, that's a good, who loves conservatives?
All right.
You guys are so cool. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'll hear Well Aaron before the show you asked if I was gonna be mean or nice
Does that mean you had something queued up you little nasty motherfucker?
Yeah, I know you did look you scrolling
Look you're scrolling don't make me be mean dude. I don't want to be mean
All right, let me let's see if you're mean
But I don't want to be mean at all
All right, well push them you're
fucking gay we're friends we are friends To me. Uh oh. Uh oh.
You have a little fetish?
Uh oh.
Actually, I'll be honest for real, yes.
Ha ha ha.
We could have sex, you could be the top, dude.
Ha ha ha.
I want you to put that fucking left hand on my throat.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Choke me out, dog.
Ha ha ha.
If I get chained to Tickle Me turn you on Matt are you into retarded porn?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I laughed. What was it?
Hey, my end of retarded porn. I cast a wide net brother on there
Yeah, it's the only way to catch a lot of fish. You gotta cast a wide net, dude.
Have we tried retarded porn?
Yes.
Anything else there?
I don't believe it.
Chains fat.
Be devastating.
He's devastating. He's win.
I love...yep.
Shane, you were actually my biggest inspiration
as a comedian right up until I found out
you weren't really retarded.
Ha ha ha!
Unbelie- oh shit, look at that!
Aaron Belial, you've done it again!
Absolutely amazing.
You're the best. You're the best. Unbelievable. Oh shit. Look at that.
Aaron Belial, you've done it again.
Absolutely unbelievable.
Oh, he's typing. Hold on a second. Hold the horn.
You fucking cocksucker, you got me.
What do you say to inspiration? I was like,
you little nasty motherfucker, dude.
I'd be fall' your right side.
Ha ha ha ha.
Look at that.
Aaron, you got him all bent out of shape now.
Look, it's contagious.
It's like airborne or something.
Aaron, anything else, you son of a bitch.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Don't do it.
For a guy that doesn't talk, he never shuts the fuck up.
Let's go.
Type, you motherfucker what else
did you just delete it I started a full blown tour across America I started a
full blown tour across America mute comedian calm Florida in January and
right here in Austin and around Texas in February shooting guns with my claw. There you go, Aaron Belio!
Living the American dream, the newest, well one of the newest American citizens that there
are.
Fucking incredible.
We have a...
We have a bucket bowl.
We fucked this up.
We did.
We did.
We did.
We did.
We did. We did. We pool? We fucked this up? We did?
There it is.
Is that not one?
Oh, shit.
Uh, that's hard, too.
You know what?
I'm gonna do things out of order.
Before we get to our next bucket pool in order to save time,
well, they go grab that bucket pool.
I'm gonna do things out of order.
I'm gonna do things out of order. I'm gonna do things out of order before we get to our
next bucket pool in order to save time while they go grab that person because I fucked
up again. Make some noise for a legend of the show. Aphrodite. Hey! Praise the Lord, everybody.
Praise the Lord for these titties.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Praise the Lord, everybody.
Praise the Lord for these titties.
Hey!
Praise the Lord that the Koochee Steel works!
Hell yeah, praise the Lord, everyone.
Koochee sweeps and Koochee waves to all of you.
Praise the Lord.
Happy 2024.
You know, I really believe in taking care of children. So I bought me a white baby off the internet today
Yeah, that fucking white baby is always being racist already I didn't give his ass any milk this morning, so
He already hates black people, you know, but I want to also say praise the Lord for a pastor hinge cliff up here
Yeah, praise the Lord for a pastor tiny hinge cliff
Yes, indeed, you know ladies, we're way more holy than men are we got more holes? Hey I
Want to tell you that you should always
count on your sex organs and not people. Thank you, praise the
Lord. Thank you. Afro Diety doing a very weird praise the Lord
themed thing that didn't really take off here. Praise the Lord.
Okay. Afro, how are you? I'm doing fantastic. You kind of did
like a character up here tonight. That was weird.
It's time for something new this year, you know.
And so I'm just so happy that my ass is real.
But I do have some fake teeth.
I'm going to tell you three of my teeth is only mine, only three of them.
Okay.
Afro, did you bump your head since the last time you were on the show or something?
No, I got some good dick. That's all. Okay. Did you bump your head since the last time you were on the show or something?
No, I got some good dick. That's all. Okay. All right. What else has been going on? Update us quickly.
You know, dick is making good health.
You didn't have it as split in half, did you?
If you're not getting no dick, you're sick as fuck.
There you are. There was a glimpse of the actual aphrodite there
for his cycle.
Hell yeah.
What else is going on?
Well, I have a new single coming out
with Top Shelf Brass Band.
Okay.
Yeah, it's called Rostamans, Spirit Man Jesus.
Okay.
Geez.
For all you fucking heathens.
All right.
I love it.
Anything else?
Well, I can tell you that you guys, we love you for all the support you've been giving
Keele Tony. This man is amazing.
Okay, all right, all right.
Avera, Avera, you have a song you want to do or something? You usually sing. Okay, let's
fucking do that. Let's just jump right into it.
Let's do a Jamaican funk. Yeah, turn those keys up, please
Little something real quick. Let's get some volume on these keys. What's up motherfuckers?
Come on I feel it in the soul
Gotta get in the bill
To make it fun. That's really wanna eat us baby. Gotta get in the deal Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh view Oh, oh, oh, why'd you say hey hey
I'm feeling in my song
Gotta get in the view
Oh, oh, oh, oh
All right, all right, all right, all right, Afro
I love you!
That was fantastic, Afro 90
Koochie wave, hey
All right, Afro
Afro 90
Afro, do you know that the blacks are the true Israelites?
Tell him what?
Know that the blacks are the true Israelites
We ain't no Israelites. We Morris
Okay You know he is relaxed, your next bucket pool.
60 seconds uninterrupted.
Going to Michael Vera Montes, everybody.
Michael Vera Montes.
Oh, bucket pool number seven.
Oh!
That's the great Valerie Vaughn.
Get in the car, hot cats.
ACT TV, ACT TV, ACT TV, ACT TV, ACT TV, ACT TV, ACT TV.
Here he is, Michael.
What is up, man?
What is up, Austin?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I recently found out that my dad stole one of my bucket list items.
He fucked his step sister.
And the way we found out was actually at my uncle's funeral.
She walked in and my dad was like, what's this bitch doing here?
Turns out that she was the half brother of my uncle.
So now I got a new bucket list.
I got to find a surgeon to put some tentacles on my back.
Are you done?
Jesus Christ.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get out of here. Put the mic in the mic stand. get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Put the
mic in the mic stand. Get the fuck out of here. Jesus fucking Christ. Wow. Not the best
night for bucket pools tonight. Interesting. Well, let's go right to a video. This is the
next segment of the show right here, right now. This is about, this is what's about to
fucking go down. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
a little storyline of how we got to this place
in the life of Hans Kim and Rick Diaz.
We have not announced a new regular on the show
in literally...
How do you do?
Oh, yeah!
It has been years since we made Michael Laira regular,
years since David Lucas, years since William,
but anytime one of those three guys can't make it,
which is quite often as you will find out,
would you be willing to be the new regular here on Peltoni?
Yes, a thousand times.
I think we should do something that we've never, ever imagined doing in the history of the show.
And that is a battle for regular ship.
Oh, shit.
So, 60 seconds uninterrupted for your next comedian out of the bucket, Rick Diaz.
Rick Deez perhaps or Diaz.
Rick Diaz.
Oh my goodness gracious, here he is everybody.
I was in bed with this lady one time and out of the blue she pulls out a pair of cuffs
and she's like, cuff me.
I want to feel punished. So I was like, so I cuffed her to me.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, fuck.
I love this guy.
Oh, man, this guy's dangerous, dude. dangerous I'm telling you I know it when I see it
My friend you just won a kill Tony Golden ticket here right now
It is what it is
I think that Brussels is letting the rest of the country know Austin in particular
that you guys got some special happening over there
Well if I judge it by my last per minute,
I think Hans Kim would have gotten a run for his money tonight.
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
And I would kick Hans Kim's ass.
Whoa, Jesus Christ.
Oh my God.
I had no idea you were interested in such a thing,
but I mean, you're a golden ticket winner.
You have a spot on the show no matter what,
but it seems like you've heard. I feel like you're a golden ticket winner. You have a spot on the show no matter what but it seems like you I feel like you're protecting him
So are you still trying to protect hands Kim
What exactly do you want if you became a regular you, you'd have to go back to Brussels. You can afford to fly me?
No way.
You want me to fly you every week from Brussels to Austin?
I'll fly myself if you can't afford it.
What are you talking about?
Oh my God!
What if hearts went and he loses his golden ticket?
Whoa! How does that sound to you?
Will you put your golden ticket up on the line?
Woo!
And if you beat him on New Year's Eve, you're the new regular and he's gone.
Oh my God!
You have this Rick Diaz who for two weeks in a row keeps dropping your-
For no reason.
How would you like it if someone came to your job and was like,
hey, I can do better at your job. I challenge you.
A guy that I invited into my home. These are what Europeans are like. Don't turn into this.
You are American. You have a backbone and it's fine.
Look how pissed he is. Some of you might not be able to see it.
Maybe you need to know Hans a little bit better like I do. But that is his fucking serious face.
Watch Rick, say something. Say something, Rick. Rick say anything anything at all
Fuck Rick Diaz And here we fucking go. The battle we've waited months for, and I present to you a very special guest referee.
Who better than the reigning, defending UFC Bantamweight Champion of the World and diehard kill Tony Bant, Suga, Sean,
O'Malley.
Yeah baby. Yeah, baby!
Make some fuckin' noise for Sugar Sean O'Malley!
What's up, boss?
Daaamn!
This is real beef. I had to separate them in the back.
This is real.
It is real. They've been staying separated.
They don't go near each other.
Hans pulled fuckin' Rick Diaz's name off the wall,
off of his green room wall backstage.
It is real.
Sugar Sean O'Malley, Die Hard fan of Kill Tony.
Never misses an episode.
Posts about it every week,
spreads the word of the fucking gospel,
and tonight we will see what happens.
Sugar is going to be listening to the audience's responses
after each of them perform their minutes,
and he will decide who is the eternal regular
until retirement?
Or who will never perform on the show again?
Are you guys ready?
Austin, Texas, I know you've been being entertained
for about fucking three hours and 20 minutes,
but are you fucking ready?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 60 seconds uninterrupt, I'm not a fan of the music
I'm not a fan of the music, I'm not a fan of the music
I'm not a club and a lady slipped some pills in my drink.
Vitamin D and iron. I almost fell from a building.
I wasn't brave enough.
I have stopped watching porn.
It's memorized. I went to donate blood and apparently you're not supposed to bring it in your own plastic
bag.
I have a little cat and when I lay down on my couch, he comes and cuddles me and sometimes
he jumps right on my balls. It's so painful. It took me six months to
train him. Over the course of a lifetime, the average human being takes 800 million
decisions. 800 million decisions! So of course we're gonna take a few bad ones.
And that's how I get laid.
Thank you very much.
Alright, a minute 17.
One minute 17 seconds.
We held back the bear out of respect for a golden ticket winner.
I went long on purpose because Hans keeps going short for the last few months.
Oh my God, these guys, what you're seeing is real.
Look at the fucking confidence.
Look at the swagger.
I counted about fucking seven or eight punchlines, all landing clean, all good.
How do you feel right now? I
Feel incredibly happy to be here Austin
Thank you very much It's a dream come true. I got to tell you I got to tell you
I've had a lot of time to think about this month since this whole thing started and I fucking
Admire your courage and your absolute fucking balls to raise the stakes and put
your golden ticket on the line.
It is incredible.
You are the most courageous, non-courageous looking person.
To be fair, it was Red Band's idea to put the golden ticket on the line.
That is true.
It was Red Band's one good idea of 2023.
And unbelievable.
I really can't believe it, but fucking you followed through.
You started talking shit.
Hans went fucking overboard.
You went overboard.
You guys go back and forth.
You two truly do not like one another.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ah, look at this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ah, look at this.
No, no, no, no, no.
Playing fucking the good guy.
I'm a fan of the show.
I love it.
And we're a fan of you.
You are a Golden Ticket winner.
Rick Diaz with a minute 17 seconds.
A rock solid set from a Golden Ticket winner.
Why don't you come over here and sit on this stool
right here away from the referee.
We don't want any funny business here.
Sit right here.
And now is the time.
Ladies and gentlemen, the guy who has started the show
for two and a half fucking years.
When we found him, he was in his van doing the worst open mic-suken.
Fucking imagine.
Now he adds shows every weekend.
Probably almost a millionaire.
Oh my god. Listen to this arena.
60 seconds uninterrupted.
This is Hans Kim.
What's up?
Holy shit
Yeah
Let's fuck this immigrant up
You know a lot of people nowadays are saying that squirting is just pee.
Fuck that bullshit.
I think peeing is just squirting.
I caught my girlfriend squirting in the toilet the other day.
I was like, you slut.
For a toilet?
It's cause it's white, isn't it?
I think it's crazy that if you fuck a girl good enough, she squirts.
That's like if you kiss a dude good enough
and he started puking.
You kissed a dude good enough and he started puking.
You know, a lot of women feel safe around me. Hello.
I don't think it's cause I can fight off a rapist,
but because I can ruin the vibes of a rape.
Oh, you guys are raping right now? Hell yeah, bro.
Cool if I chill.
All right, that's my time.
Thank you.
One minute 16 seconds.
Almost an exact replica, time-wise,
one 16 to one 17.
Total different, absolutely different comedy styles.
I'm not sure if you can see it. Almost an exact replica, time wise, 116 to 117, total different,
absolutely different comedy styles.
Rick Diaz loading up and punching one at a time
and you going beat by beat.
I technically counted eight or nine moments of laughter
in your set, different types of pops
than fucking Rick gets.
Or a complex, more intricate, and bullshit,
two-dimensional, 1940s comedy that we've progressed past.
Try being yourself, bitch.
Try being yourself.
Oh.
Who are you?
I have no clue who you are.
Are you this character? Are you this two-dimensional character you little bitch?
Be who you are. All these people are themselves. They're not a fucking European character.
Sugar Sean giving Rick a chance to respond. Say it brother.
He's the referee.
I mean you failed to say a joke right now, you were just insulting me.
It was quite interesting yesterday when you said that your girlfriend couldn't come because
she was high on mushrooms and I was thinking, that makes sense.
I would rather hallucinate and listen to you.
Wait, you listen to a show.
Alright, alright.
This is chaos. Let's settle it.
Sugar Sean, get in between them over here.
Rick, get over there.
Let's settle it once and for all.
The audience will decide.
We've gone with Mexican drum- off rules for this. No one
comedian, no people, any word, any commentary from our esteem panel, Shane Gillis and Matt
McCusker. I mean, no, I know it's gonna fucking end with these guys careers. Well, I mean at least it's gonna give them an I don't wanna fuck with it
But I don't know I'm gonna have to give that one of them in at least an extremely
Extended that fucking break after this. Are they competing for a gas station? What are we doing?
The winner of this which it's very weird because Rick lives in Brussels
And it's absolutely not in a budget at all. His or anyone's a fucking
$4,000 flight. You currently live in Brussels. Yes. You live there now
All right. Well that all right. Well, I mean, but that doesn't matter
It is whoever fucking wins performs on kill Tony every week
fucking a minute every single week
and basically, you know, either Rick is gonna start
to sell out comedy clubs or Hans is going to be doing
giant theaters next year.
So yes, that sticks.
Honest vote.
Well, I mean.
In that one minute.
I don't know if it's a.
All right.
that one minute. I don't know if it's a.
All right, I mean, I got a
my vote. Do I actually have to I don't know if you I'm looking at this is more of like commentary. All right, commentary. Rick's got the longest forearms I've ever
seen. There you go.
So that's what I'll go
with. Rick's got long. Who got more laughs in that one minute? Who do you?
Well, who do you think? Who do I know? It's not who do I think? Yeah,
who? All right, I guess we'll see. Rick. Okay. Shane says Rick Diaz,
Matt McCusker.
McDea's, Matt McCusker. Things are heating up, ladies and gentlemen.
The energy is absolutely...
It was close. It was very close.
But I surely thought the muscles from Brussels brought the heat.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Get the back money!
Oh, my God. It all back money! Oh my God.
It all comes down to the audience.
Don't do that, Rick.
Don't fuck it up.
Hans is a man of the people.
The third most performances in the history of the show.
An incredible story arc we've seen before.
Rick Diaz out of nowhere wins a golden ticket immediately,
first time on the
show and goes for regular ship. This is that moment. We'll go in order of when
they performed. This is it. How many of you have Rick Diaz winning this? Oh, shit.
Okay, okay.
Stop.
Stop.
This is that moment. How many of you have Hans Kim winning?
This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.
This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.am, this is Hans-Gam, this is Hans-Gam, this is Hans-Gam, that was Hans-Gam.
Oh my God, there's a championship belt made by the great Boneside.
You want to warn him, give him the word. Yeah, I guess.
And there's a big championship belt and Bones I has also made a tiny you lose bracelet.
That's a necklace.
A necklace.
Sugar Shot said it's a necklace for Rick.
It was a hot topic.
Wow.
And like that, Rick Diaz, you have lost your golden ticket.
How do you feel right now?
Sean, hold it.
Hold it for him like Rogan does put your arm around him and
How does it feel to lose your golden ticket feels all right, I feel like I won tonight either way I
Love that I love this fucking show. Thank you for having me. Thank you for the opportunity. I love Hans either way
Thank you for having me. Thank you for the opportunity. I love Hans either way. Bye! Bye! Boring! Go back to your fucking Instagram!
Bye!
Go back to having a chip on your shoulder, bro.
I will.
Sugar, sugar, sugar, I have a great chip.
I have roasted you all night.
Sugar, hit the winner, Hans Kim with it.
With the... Yup.
And the winner is Hans Kim!
And still raining, defending, regular of Kill Tony.
Hans Kim.
How about one more time for the great powerful sugar Sean O'Malley
Rick Diaz and hunts Kim
The people have decided
And that is that Hans any final words? Uh, get a good look.
Last time you're gonna see him.
Ha ha ha ha, ruthless.
Cold is ice and loves his rice.
The great and powerful Hans Kim, congratulations.
Rick, Sugar Sean, we fucking love you guys.
Thank you so much, absolutely amazing.
Come on guys, Seriously. How about
one more time for the great fucking Sugar Sean. Oh, Mali, what do you hang out? Hang out with
us. Sugar Sean is going to join us the rest of the show. Tony, I thought that unbelievable.
Absolutely unbelievable. We're gonna keep it moving.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have another special treat for you.
60 seconds uninterrupted for, actually, you know what?
Let's do something else special.
You guys like special treats?
How many of you watch the show on YouTube?
Make some noise for YouTube, huh?
We love them.
We have a special fucking treat for you right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, literally, the biggest fucking phenom in all of entertainment
right now. Make some noise for the king of YouTube,
the one and only Mr. Beast.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's have some fun and mix things up a little bit.
You want to explain what we're doing?
You want me to tell them?
All right, so I brought $10,000 out here and we're going gonna bring all the bucket pools back on stage and let you
pick which one of them wins 10 grand.
Let's get these motherfuckers back up here shall we?
Can you hold this mic for a sec?
Oh my god, holy shit.
All right, I mean, that was a hell of a segment
to follow up, that was intense.
But yeah, me and Tony just called yesterday and here I am.
Mr. Beast is the man, fan also fan of the show, crazy.
Of course.
The wide range of fans we have here. And here they are. I bet I
bet I know who's gonna fucking take this one by the way. I got a feeling I know
who's gonna win this. Okay, so let's go right through it. How many of you have our
first comedian Cameron Taggerud here? Ooh, that's a lot of noise.
Oh, yeah.
Why doesn't our referee go hand over the head
showing his diabetic tubing?
Cameron looking for the sympathy boat.
We're a little bit out of order here,
but I'm gonna fucking try my best to remember who was who.
How about David Perez?
Okay. David's definitely out. to remember who was who. How about David Perez?
Okay, David's definitely out.
Okay, how about Hefe Flores Heff?
Oh, he is out.
Oh, my good friend from Milwaukee.
Make some noise. Milwaukee's best.
Who's got Mike Pack?
Oh, no chance, Mike Pack.
It was a rough night for bucket bowls.
How about Paxton Goban?
Uh-oh.
How about his father?
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Who's got Michael Veramontes?
Boo! Boo!
Who's got Shiva Ari?
Fuck it!
Who's got Paxton's Split Dick Dad?
Aah! Mr. Beast, I think we got a winner. Who's got Paxton's split dick dad?
Mr. Beast I think we got a winner
Ladies and gentlemen destiny is spoken. That is a real ten thousand dollars
In a briefcase
You cannot make this up
He went from sitting in the stands are you gonna shoot with your son cuz he's while you're up here absolutely yeah we're
gonna split this up that's funny he was saying he was living out of his car
earlier he chose the guy with the broken penis. Mr. B speaks is one retarded guy's cock.
I love it.
He said, are you going to split this?
It's a great bucket line.
Mr. B, so you got to hang out more often.
No, except you're going to get me canceled.
That's why they put me at the very end.
How about one more time for all your bucket pulls, everybody? Congratulations.
Paxton, what's your dad's name again?
Bruce.
Bruce Gobin.
Congratulations, Bruce.
How do you feel?
Step up to that mic.
Hell yeah, fuck it all.
This is the best show on Planet Earth.
Mr. Beast, thank you for making that.
That is so cool.
All right, you guys get out of here.
Bruce, take one more bow in front of these people
with your fucking briefcase.
That is unbelievable.
How cool. Mr. Beast, that is amazing.
Thank you for doing this.
I love it.
What's next?
Is there anything else?
I mean, other than another comedian,
you want to hang out for it?
I'm down.
I love it.
Oh, come on. How about one more to hang out for it? I'm dumb. I love it.
How about one more time for Mr. Beast? Come on!
Fuck Hershey's!
Okay, so one last, one last special treat. This young lady made her debut on the show this year,
prepared 60 seconds for tonight, really wanted to get up.
She said she was gonna sign up,
but I told her I was just gonna give her a spot.
Make some noise for Red Band's girlfriend
of over 10 years, the one and only, Janice Min.
["JANICE MIN"]
Only Janice Min! [♪ Music Plays Is it just me or are the ceilings like way too high in here?
Sometimes I can't tell if someone is trans or just from the Midwest.
Actually see some of you guys out there. It's confusing. I don't
think numerical age is a really good indication of age. I think spell, spelling
ability is better. For example, if you know how to spell diarrhea without spell check,
you're in your 30s.
If you know how to spell hemorrhoids,
you're in your 40s.
I've been in my 40 it. That was great. You did it again. Janice has a 100% fucking batting
average on this show. So likable, well executed, great timing. How's it been going, Janice?
Can you see that again?
How's it going?
It's going good.
OK, yeah.
Absolutely adorable.
What do you guys think of Red Band's girlfriend?
Anything?
She's hot.
Oh, Sugar Sean.
Sugar Sean, things here hot.
Thank you, Sugar Sean.
Welcome.
Hell yeah.
What was it like destroying Rick Diaz earlier?
I can't believe you guys want to against me.
I'm never going to forget that.
What?
I'll never forget it.
You've heard of Hans Kim.
This is Kim Hans.
Love it. I love that sugar thinks you're hot.
You've been sleeping next to a bag of sugar for ten years, so the switch might be easy.
Sorry, sorry, Sugar Sean.
I like my guys with a little meat on them.
Yes, yes, queen.
Did Mr. Beast bring you in a briefcase.
This is like an Ocean's Leaven bomb.
They snuck you in a briefcase.
You crawled through an air duct just a bomb.
No, I'm kidding. You didn't bomb. You did really great.
Fantastic.
I'm joking around, dude. kidding. You didn't bomb. You did really great. Fantastic. I'm joking around, dude.
Mr. Beast.
Mr. Beast, what do you think of Janice's performance?
I was just wondering how long you guys have been dating.
Seven years. Seven and a half years.
Oh, seven.
Oh, you guys started dating in the year of the rat.
Mr. Beast, how bad do you want to bring water to our village?
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Fuck, yes. Amazing.
Uh, Red Band?
You know, I actually, I, uh...
I've been thinking about this, Janice.
I don't think he need to change anything.
I love you will you marry this old fuck Oh my god!
Make some noise for the fucking...
What do you...
Regrets?
They're getting married!
Whoa.
Unbelievably adorable.
The great Janice.
Come on, you're gonna be the one that has all of his stuff in two years when he has a heart attack anyway.
So sit right there.
Watch this ring! Come on, I'll throw it out right now.
Janice, how do you feel? So sit right there. Watch this ring! Come on, I'll throw it out right now. MUSIC Ha ha ha.
Janice, how do you feel?
You know, I've always said that if I ever see someone get proposed to on Kill Tony,
I'd be like, that would, I feel bad for that girl.
LAUGHS
LAUGHS
There is nothing more perfect than this moment.
I love it.
Absolute chaos.
Oh my god.
Well I think it's only right that we all stay up here.
There's only one place to go from here.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you,
Kiltoni Hall of Amor, the record holder
for all time appearances on the show.
Literally, you heard him be talked about earlier this episode.
I present to you the Tijuana tornado.
The Des Moines
Dilemma.
The Milwaukee
Man-eater.
The Vanilla Guerrilla.
The Memphis Strangler.
The Big Red Machine. this is indeed William Montgomery! I've been too crazy, I've been too crazy, I've been too crazy, I've been too crazy, I've been too crazy Rock to the end
I know that you can't
Hootie-oo!
When I say hootie, you say hootie
Okay, let's stop it there. So what I got a structure settlement from J.G. Wentworth, how can you tell?
But seriously, sorry, I'm late.
I just tried to be auditioning to be the next gold bond spokesperson
They weren't necessarily holding auditions it just came to me I can't explain it
I just realized what gold bond needed the CEO was really surprised to see me
He was like how did you know my home address and did you know my?
Security guards are dead?
Where's my dog?
My dog normally barks.
Real quick, what if we gave the people of Gaza casinos?
Would they accept gambling establishments as sort of a truce?
On behalf of Israel, I'd like to present to the people of Gaza, the sandcastle casino
run by Chief Plain on fire.
Okay, that's my time.
Thank you so much the powerful the one the only the big red machine William
Lights out Montgomery
And also I'm gonna be very honest it's very awkward up here right now mr Mr. B. So it was me fucking $100,000. So it was a whole
fucking t-shirt deal gone awry. So this was super awkward when I found out your ass was gonna be Get his ass. What the fuck are you talking about?
Not in senior Dario dude.
William, you are on fire tonight.
You are in rare form.
There is so.
Oh yeah, you can say that I
Love it. Where did you get this kind of attire William red band? What are you wearing? Oh my gosh No, red band actually gave me a thousand dollar gift card for anthropology for Christmas
But the one stipulation was I had five minutes to pick out a fucking outfit. So
This is what I got maybe Maybe next year, Red Band,
you can give me fucking 10 minutes, you bitch.
["Red Band"]
Speaking of Red Band, I don't know if you-
Hey, keep my man's name out your fucking mouth.
["Red Band"]
Oh, shit. Oh. Janice, Janice, why? You know I can't stand your fucking ass!
Janice!
Why would you even say that?
It's fucking New Year's Eve, bitch!
No, seriously, why would you say that, Janice?
I'm trying to have fun tonight.
Mr. Beeson, I had a fun time up here.
Why would you fucking do that?
I'm trying to have fun tonight.
I'm trying to have fun tonight. I'm trying to have fun tonight. Mr.
Beeson, I had a fun time up here. Why would you fucking do that, Janice?
Does Mr. Bees really owe you $100,000?
$100,000. There's some t-shirt deal and tell them about it. It was in Sacramento,
it was in some warehouse district.
Yeah, in Sacramento, it was in some warehouse district.
Yeah, in Milwaukee, right? Yeah, Milwaukee.
Yeah, that's, what happens in Milwaukee stays in Milwaukee.
Let me tell you, don't bring that shit up here.
Don't be a fucking...
I was fucking in the hotel room that night, in Milwaukee!
You're acting like a real Mike Pack right now.
We were in the lobby first of all. That's where I have my gay sex in the lobby. William, we've been through a fucking
lot. You have the most appearances and interviews all time on the show. So I think it's only
fitting that you stay up here while we roll
one more little video package.
You know, it was at the, he's already a whole of famer.
But anyway, it was at the ACL live theater
for the 10 year anniversary where we announced
that we were doing this show here tonight,
and you guys fucking shocked the world
by filling this arena so fast
that we had to add another show.
And the fan base is fucking through the roof and it's out of control.
So we'd like to show you where we are going in 2024.
Here we go.
Roll that beautiful bean footage.
Oh! వార్లులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులులుల� And also not to be a downer, but I have six months left to live. There's skin cancer again.
So we need you to make it eight months. It's August
10 2024 Madison Square Garden, a fucking podcast in Madison Square Garden because of crazy
motherfuckers with a demented sense of humor like you people. That's nuts. William, that's what's up. So nice to be here tonight. Happy
new year. So yeah, tickets go on sale. Was it the third or the fourth? I didn't fucking,
I forgot the eighth, eighth at 10am, whatever time zone fucking that venues in East Coast
for Madison Square Garden and the West Coast,
the LA Kia Forum. So that's a big deal. Those are the two of the biggest arenas in the fucking
country. We love you guys. Congratulations to those of you that bought the stream that watched
that announcement live that going to get your Wi-Fi juice stuff for fucking January 8th to buy
the tickets. And since it's not midnight fucking January 8th to buy the tickets.
And since it's not midnight yet, I figured to end the thing, we'll do our own special
countdown. How does that sound? Huh?
Where the fuck are you going? So let's roll that shit.
Roll it. You guys aren't going to want to leave. By the way, you idiots, trying to beat fucking
H E B center traffic.
How are we ever going to get out of Cedar Park? It's a fucking whole freeway. Nobody's
on it. Relax, you idiots. Roll the fucking video. Roll the countdown video. Roll it. There
we go. Again, a special shout out to the comedy mothership. Yellow rose, Red Rose, Connect Mobile Health, NinjaBuses.com came through huge for us this weekend.
Austin Security Guard Service is the best in the world.
They happen to be here in Austin, and Joe Blaster.
Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year everybody!
Yeah!
And one last special treat.
Make some noise for Austin's, Danny Brown everybody!
Where the hell is he?
Ladies and gentlemen, Austin Zone and Kill Tony Legend, multiple time guest, super fan, the one and only, Danny Brown.
Don't hit it yet.
What's up Danny?
You want to do it? I'm gonna listen to him. Yo, yo, what's up? What's up, Danny?
You want to do it?
Let's go.
Let's go.
Get up on your fucking feet, Austin Texas.
This is it.
We're bringing it home right now.
Remember when my first meal was school lunch?
Now I spent a 16 straight with no punks?
Remember our banana all we had was Captain Crunch?
Now we blow big blanks, on no way to blanch
Went from Gap-Bella to Commissary Slips
But I got back up man, every time I slept
Never ever tripped, I just kept on for some way
Teacher always asked me, what was I doing?
Scribbled in my no-pay, but never did homework
Lower teachers think that the Adderall's work Rocks on me, he'll fingers one with the bow I don't want to scribble in my no pain but never did homework Low attention span, get the adorals worked
Rocks on me, heel fingers one with the bow
New born kicks way before we even smoke
Remember having baby lines choking when I hit it
Not one day's waste, the whole seven in a sentence
Remember back then, man, we thought we'd grown up
Russian etiquette just to be grown up
Hands up!
Whoever thought I'd be the greatest growing up hands up
Whoever thought I'd be the greatest growing up hands up
Whoever thought I'd be the greatest growing up hands up
Whoever thought I'd be
I can eat a pound of 664 quarters
Burned up fire and drown drops of water
Signed a toy up them beans like Goya
Gumped up the fire got me jumping up the sofa
Hotter than a hot pocket on the double microwave
Model bitches begging just to be a nigga sex slave
Atomic bourbon garments like a tailor made
Every tiny seamy man they wear their dinner every glaze
Everyday same shit me get paid
Wake up, new bitch, me get laid
Used to bring bottles back, now they bring bottles back
Now they see me shining and they lookin' like a water bag
Catch a heart attack, new force off back, never blow blum wraps
But the blum wraps out of
Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up
Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up? Who ever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up?
Who ever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up?
Who ever thought I'd be the greatest girl when I'm hands up?
Who ever thought I'd be?
Make some fucking noise for Danny Brown.
The man, the myth, the legend.
Make some noise for Shane Gilles and Matt McCusker.
The newlyweds, Red Baron and Janice.
Jetski Johnson, Paul Deemer,emer Michael Gonzalez James Atkins
Here's your paintings from Ryan J. E belt and Chris Rogers makes some fucking noise for D madness
John Dees on the keys
The great Dane on the keys Matt mulling on the electric guitar Ryan J. What do you got for us? Oh?
my god electric guitar, Ryan J, what do you got for us? Oh my God.
Chris Rogers on the right, Ryan J with a lot of detail
on the left, fucking unbelievable.
We love you guys, hopefully we'll see you at the forum
in May in Madison Square Garden in August.
I love you guys!
After party tonight at Poor Cho choices on 6th Street.
We fucking love you guys to death.
You're truly the best comedy fans on planet Earth.
I love you guys.
I love you guys.
Dude, I have sex with every single guy in here.
Dude, I love you guys.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
We love you guys.
Thank you.
Good night everybody
One more time for mr. Beast sugar Sean O'Malley Hans Kim
Cam Patterson Aaron Belial Aphrod Aphrodite, Matt and Shane, Dr. F***ing Phil, Brian Holtzman,
All the Bucket Cools, Valerie Vaughn, Yellow Rose and Red Rose, Heidi Isabel Everybody, we love you guys! I'm not sure if you can hear me I'm not sure if you can hear me I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me
I'm not sure if you can hear me I'm not sure if you can hear me වවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවව� 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 아 You