KILL TONY - #651 - ARI SHAFFIR
Episode Date: February 20, 2024Ari Shaffir, William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/...29/2024 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Use code TONY for 20% off https://bubsnaturals.com If you use our special link https://expressvpn.com/KILLTONY you’ll get three extra months completely FREE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com.
And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com.
And now, here's a brand new episode of kill
tony
hey this is red bay coming to you live from the comedy mothership here
in austin texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff!
Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh?
Yeah!
Make some noise for Red Band, everybody!
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
Here we go again.
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How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? I don't think
I don't think people know what the
fuck they're missing.
Kill Tony
live, in-house, is just
an unbelievable treat. This band
fucking rocks. Matt Muehling
on the electric guitar
has a brand new single
out, 020,
the letter 020, the new hit song, Epsilon.
The great John Dees on the keys.
Check out johndees.bandcamp.com for all of his music.
That's D-E-A-S.
That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
And how loud can this place get for the one, the only, the great and powerful D-Motherfucking Madness on the bass?
Jesus Christ almighty.
Un-effing-believable.
The kids are put to bed.
The bongs are bubbling.
Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.
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Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?
You guys are in
for a very special treat.
You know, sometimes I
have multiple guests on and
sometimes it gets a little too
fucking busy for my liking.
Too many people trying to chime in.
The show doesn't get to breathe.
Sometimes the people don't know the show that well
and they're doing this and that.
This is a special episode
because this is a fucking veteran
of the Kill Tony guest game coming on solo.
He's been stuck with a ton of people
on every episode that he's been on recently
and we have him here all by himself.
He is truly my big brother,
one of my favorite mentors
in the history of my fucking career
and a man who I love with all of my goddamn heart.
Comedy store legend. You know him from all of his hit specials, all of his hit podcasts,
one of the funniest human beings on planet earth and one of my favorite humans of all time.
Let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Ari Shafir, everybody.
Oh shit. Oh shit. Let's go.
Yes.
Woo.
Oh, yeah.
Ari Shaffir
and
his band
of minions.
Oh, my God.
You have the craziest balls of all time.
It never gets old.
Every time, I'm like, Jesus Christ.
Oh, God.
Watching them slip back into those pants was the scariest thing.
It's like watching a baby be fucking pushed back into
the womb or something like that.
Seven pounds, eight
ounces of nuts.
Holy
shit. Oh
my God. Was that a yarmulke
I saw in one of them?
It's unbelievable.
You put the men in menorah.
Those fucking things are wild, dude.
Make some noise for Ari Shafir, everybody.
Coming in with a fucking bang.
We're going to have fun tonight.
Good to be back, Tony.
Good to be back, Red Band.
Good to be back, band.
We love you.
I've been looking forward to this.
You know, ever since,
the show's gotten a little bit bigger
lately than it was ever before.
Yeah, I heard you're doing the Hebrew Center.
Yes. Yeah.
Madison Square Garden. Two nights.
You're going to take a tunnel there. Am I correct?
That's the Kike Arena.
From the Hebrew Center to the Kike Arena.
Tony, you can do no wrong.
It is unbelievable.
I'll dig your route from here to there.
I love it.
I cannot fucking wait.
But, you know, a lot of people,
we're at the point now to where a lot of the biggest comedians in the world
hit me up, and they're like, hey, can I do the show, this and that?
And I, like I've been telling you for a month or two,
I wanted you to be on fucking Solo.
Just me and you.
We'll fucking get into this shit.
You know how it works.
219 human beings signed up tonight.
Wow.
219.
One just slipped out.
We'll let that be the first fucking bucket pool of the night.
Is that a real human?
Heavyweight champion of the world?
That's a stage name? Okay okay you know this for a fact
okay the producers are saying yes they literally everybody has to fucking sign a thing what's the
extra chair for i feel like my step mom is gonna show up i don't know she's a man i don't know
just in case anything crazy happens okay um. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony.
The whole show's improvised,
and Austin has a lot of rabble-rousers running around.
So while they go get the heavyweight champion of the world,
let me remind y'all that comedians on this show get 60 seconds.
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up,
then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
And then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, the great and powerful Ari Shafir.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?
Well, they're still grabbing the heavyweight champion of the world.
He spells it with a D.A.
It was D.A.
Not a good sign, by the way. It could be a great sign.
But while we
grab him, there's only one way to start a show
like this with one of our most esteemed
regulars. You know, when we found
this guy, he was
poor, he was
selfless, and
he was smart. And now
he is rich, he has an ego,
and he's dumb.
You guys know the theme song?
This is Hans Kim!
Hey!
It's good to be here.
I think abortion is pretty cool, you know?
Men have been killing things for years.
It's time the ladies took a crack at it too.
You can start with fetuses, work your way up to Filipinos.
I recently went to Louisville.
They have an airport there called the Muhammad Ali Airport.
Who doesn't love an airport named after a guy that couldn't stop shaking?
Is this turbulence or does this plane have Parkinson's disease?
Ever since I got on Kill Tony, I've been doing a lot of 69.
That's where I have sex with sixes and I think I'm a nine.
All right, that's my time.
Thank you.
Okay.
44 seconds from Hans Kim.
Coming in a little bit light
in the loafers tonight.
I like the jokes.
I forgot.
I thought it was longer.
I'm sorry.
My timing's a little off.
Why do you think your timing is off
this week
this week
I don't know
maybe
the
the
the girlfriend
not being with me anymore
I'm single
you got dumped
yeah
what
tell us
it happened a long time ago
but
yeah
you mean two weeks ago
when you told us about it yeah a long time ago. But, yeah. You mean two weeks ago?
When you told us about it?
Yeah.
A long time ago?
I feel like I've already done the jokes that I've had for that.
You guys will have to listen two weeks from now.
What is going on right now?
Why don't you give us an update, Hans?
What's with this outfit, brother?
This is... What are you trying to do with your life?
Why this whole thing?
Besides the shoes.
With the immigration crisis, I thought it'd be good to let these people know
which side I'm on.
You're on the white side of history.
You look like a sales rep for Ping.
Is this free clothing, or did you buy it?
I bought most of this. What didn did you buy it? I bought most of this.
What didn't you buy?
I bought everything but this jacket.
This jacket my mom bought me from Korea.
Ooh, nice.
Okay.
Did she just buy you that jacket solo
or did it come with a box of other goodies?
Just the jacket.
I was like, hey, mom, I need a jacket.
She got it for me. Very nice lady.
What's going on
in your life that's exciting, Hans?
Anything this week?
I've been crushing puss.
I met a...
Tell us about that. There you go.
That's what we like to know about.
That's interesting.
This is the first time you've given us an update.
This is different than your ex-girlfriend?
Yes, this is completely different women.
So this is the first...
Women?
Yes.
More than what?
Yes.
You ever stop and think how lucky you are?
Yeah.
A lot of people have been reminding me
how much I don't deserve it or whatever.
So tell us about the new Poissons.
We've been hearing about the same girl for
a couple years. This is like all new,
right? Yeah, I was in Springfield.
This girl had a
real strong grip. Gave me
a strong gripped
hand job. I had to fucking get
wrist control, fucking back out.
Whoa, look at that.
Look at that. And then she tried to finger
my butthole,
and I was like, I'm wearing jeans.
And then she squeezed my balls
and I was like, ouch.
Okay. Yeah. And then I needed to
take a walk. I took a little breather.
Yep.
I have a question.
Is that what you call crushing puss?
That seemed more like love on the
spectrum.
Like really?
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
At what point did you crush puss, Hans?
You got your balls squoze, a finger in your jeans,
and a hard hand job.
Where did the puss come into play?
I was fingering her the whole time.
Wow, okay Alright, you were crushing puss with your finger
Rock and roll
Okay, did you do anything with your penis?
Yeah, I got it sucked a little
Was this the same girl?
Yes. Springfield, Missouri?
Yes. Wow, dude. Very beautiful
lady. Was she beautiful?
Yes.
Okay. All right.
You see there, he's got a lot of momentum
early on. He gets a little
excited with those buttons.
Okay. We went to the
Bass Pro Shop. That's the first Bass Pro Shop. It's in Springfield. We went to the Bass Pro Shop. That's the first Bass Pro Shop.
It's in Springfield.
We went to the aquarium there.
You wife-eater?
You started going out with this chick?
Yeah, that's the only way I can get laid.
Nice, bro.
You have to hang out with them first.
Yeah, a long time.
Right.
Okay.
So it was just one girl?
It was her
and then the beautiful
Angelica.
She's here tonight.
Oh, she's here.
Yes.
Okay, what happened
with Angelica?
She and I had sex yesterday.
Wow.
Here in Austin.
Yes.
And this is like a fan of yours? A fan of the show?
Yeah, she mentioned me in a
story and I was like, holy shit.
Uh-huh.
That's good enough. And then like...
Yeah. You messaged
her like, what's up? Yeah.
I was like, come on over. She's like, I can't.
I can't. And then she did that three times and then the fourth
time. She could. She could.
Right. Because you, you're very Right. Yeah, nice, dude.
Because you,
you're very persistent.
We know that you have
rapey energies.
I can't means nothing to you.
I can't means ask again.
At least I asked.
I have a fridge full of kimchi.
Yeah.
You grabbed my dick really hard.
Was that the one
that grabbed your dick hard?
No, she's got a very gentle touch.
Okay.
Is Angelica just visiting?
No, she's moved here from Houston.
Wow.
Oh, my goodness.
You're going to do this again with Angelica?
Yeah, hopefully tonight.
Wow.
Where's Angelica at?
Do you see her?
She's up there in the booth.
Okay.
You got her a spot on the VIP balcony, huh?
Wow.
I didn't know that you had access to that part of the guest list.
I was actually trying to avoid it.
I thought those were my people, but I guess you're squeezing.
All they have to do is mention you in their stories,
and all of a sudden they're sitting where Elon Musk sits when he comes to a show.
That's all it takes.
Just DM Hans Kim, everybody.
How is that possible?
But you got to skip the aquarium with
this one. This was straight to fun, huh?
Yeah, no aquarium. Just straight to the
wet pussy. Angelica, if the place could
stay quiet for a second. Angelica, how is
Hans in bed?
Is she a cat?
10 out of
10?
Meow, meow.
Meow.
Meow. 10 out of 10 10 out of 10 She seemed coached on that answer
10 out of 10
Jesus Christ
Pretty Asian for a Mexican girl
She's Mexican
Oh she's Mexican?
Did you use protection?
Nope
Oh hot
Big mistake Did you use protection? Nope. Oh, Hans. Whoa. Hans.
Oh, boy.
Big mistake.
Oh, shit.
Mixing the old beans and rice.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, we're going to need updates on what happens from here, Hans.
Keep us posted on the newborn baby that you're going to have.
No protection.
Did you pull out?
Yes, I pulled out.
On her stomach and back.
Taking a chance.
You might have a bow in the oven
right now, dude.
Nothing on that?
BAO? Nothing? Did that not translate?
I thought that was good.
Hans, good job.
Thank you, Johnny.
Great interview, as always.
His interviews are unbelievable.
He did it in 45 seconds.
He's back, folks.
Single Hans is back.
Last week, he was still fucking his ex.
When this episode comes out.
He was upset?
He was upset about the girl?
They just broke up, and he was fucking his ex the whole time.
So this is the first time we've
heard of Hans getting actual new pussy
forever. Two? Two in a week?
Yeah. What the fuck's happening
to society? I'm telling you, dude.
These fucking chicks love
comedy. The quickest way
to a girl's vagina
is by making her laugh.
Or having really compelling interviews, it seems.
You guys having fun?
Well, you know what time it is.
He's ready.
We're going to meet him all together.
I introduce to you for the first time on the show,
the heavyweight champion of Doe World, everybody.
60 seconds uninterrupted
for the first bucket pool of the night.
Anything can happen.
Make some noise for the heavy bucket pool of the night. Anything can happen.
Make some noise for the heavyweight champion of da world.
Oh, shit.
Let's go.
A pedophile, a war criminal, and a Jew are digging a tunnel underneath New York City.
They all look at each other and say,
Mazel Tov.
I'm Mexican, if you couldn't tell.
If you couldn't tell,
you need to step your fucking prejudice game up.
I'm one of the good ones, though.
I believe we should close the border and build that wall, baby.
Close that fucking can, that wall, baby. Close that fucking can.
That's enough beans.
I love being here in Austin.
The other day, I saw the most perfect woman.
She was so beautiful and so stupid.
She was like, I hate white straight men.
I was like, hell yeah.
I wonder how much she hates the gay brown ones.
I hate fat people.
They're always
so excited to see me, because
they are no longer the fattest person in the room.
That's me.
That's my title. Heavyweight champion
of the world, baby.
Wow. Okay.
Well, you got the heavyweight part right.
Yes, sir.
I love it.
Welcome to the show
Heavyweight Champion of Da World.
How long have you been doing
stand-up comedy?
Off and on 10 years,
but started taking it seriously in March.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
Why do you look like you're pregnant
with triplet stavroses?
Lots of Mexican food.
Tortillas, man, from San Antonio.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, my goodness.
I've never seen a lopsided fat before.
It is incredible.
A little fun fact you guys can't see
is a few times he put his arm behind his back
while he was performing,
and he has an actual shelf back there.
Can you show the people?
There is a shelf for his arm.
That's pretty convenient i love it you have a tank top and a tank body this is absolutely incredible you make big pun look small
no doubt about it what do you do for work heavyweight champion of the world. I'm a TikToker. TikTok? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Is that the noise your pacemaker makes
all the time?
I'm a food vlogger
on TikTok.
A food blogger.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Perfect job.
No one more fitting
for the job than you.
Yeah.
It's incredible.
Those capris,
what would we even call those?
Are those shorts?
They might be longs.
They are wider than they are long.
So you make a living doing TikToks?
Yeah, mostly.
It's probably about 50% of my income.
The other 50% is coming from Uber driving.
Uber driving.
Yeah.
Okay.
What kind of car do you Uber in?
I got a 2022 Altima.
Wow.
When someone says, hey, we have four, can we sit one up front?
Do you go, no.
No, they can, but I kind of hate it.
Uh-huh.
Okay, and what ethnicity are you?
I'm Mexican.
Step in prejudice game up.
No, I had a feeling.
I was just making sure.
You could have easily been aggressively Greek
or something like that.
Aggressively Greek, I mean.
Aggressively, yeah.
That could be.
I love it.
So you live here in Austin, Texas?
No, I live in San Antonio.
All right.
This is what people,
a lot of people from San Antonio look like, by the way,
for those of you wondering.
I'm the San Antonio mascot.
Hell yeah.
Damn.
How's the diabetes?
It's not there yet, surprisingly.
When's the last time
you saw a doctor?
In the summer of last year.
And what happened last summer
that you went and visited a doctor?
One of my friends died
in his sleep,
so I was like, oh shit.
I took that as a warning.
Yeah. That's what you that as a warning. Yeah.
That's what you needed as a warning.
Yeah.
Oh, it was all going so well.
And then my friend suddenly, we lost him.
It rocked my world, and I thought,
could I also have health problems?
Could I also be at risk for completely falling apart?
What did the doctor tell you when you were there?
I mean, I got all my blood work done.
You mean mud work?
Shit was coming out thick, dude.
And I mean, yeah, he was like,
you need to get healthier or you're going to fucking die.
Like straight up.
What have you done since then to get healthier?
Have you lost weight?
Have you added weight?
What do you think?
Yeah, I have lost some weight.
I've gained some back over the holidays, but I stopped drinking.
What were you drinking before?
Beer and tequila, Lone Star.
Okay.
Screwball peanut butter whiskey.
Okay.
Hell yeah.
All right.
How much do you weigh, buddy?
Like 520.
520.
Absolutely unbelievable.
And when you are sleeping, do you have trouble breathing and stuff like that?
No, no, no, no.
I'm good.
I'll take a nap right now.
No, I'm just kidding.
Okay.
Do you think like food blogging is probably a bad idea though?
I mean,
I don't know.
Pays the bills.
I trust him on it.
Me too.
That's true.
If diet tips,
I would not go for.
Blogging and blobbing.
Both of these things.
Not a long time, man.
What's your love life like?
Yeah, that's what I want to know.
Is there a... Is there a Mrs. Both of these things. Here for a good time, not a long time, man. What's your love life like? Yeah, that's what I want to know. Is there a...
Is there a Mrs. piece of shit?
No.
What is your love life like, heavyweight champion of the world?
It's absolutely messy.
I take what I can get.
What can you get?
Every single one of them is insane, and I'm on some gaslighting shit.
They're all on ketamine and fucking supremely depressed.
Okay.
But usually they're pretty hot.
Where do you meet these ketamine-fueled depressed girls? and fucking supremely depressed. Okay. But usually they're pretty hot, so. How does that,
where do you meet these ketamine-fueled depressed girls?
Dude, San Antonio,
they're all like in the food service industry.
And what's your, what's,
that's a very honest answer.
Honesty goes a long way in these interviews.
I mean, it's the ultimate note,
you know, the thing to think about.
I'm like a D-list celebrity in San Antonio for vlogging.
So that goes a long way.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you take them back to your bed.
What kind of bed are we looking at? I usually take them to a hotel room.
Why would you take a girl to a hotel room?
My mom's disabled.
I take care of my mom. I've been taking care of my mom, but take care of my mom
since I was 12 years old. What's her
disability? She's got
a fucked up back. She's got like
four herniated discs in her neck and then
just several
other things that stem from there.
And you don't? No.
No. I work
like 60 hours a week. I'm pretty good.
How old are you? 36. 36. Is your hours a week. I'm pretty good. That's great. How old are you?
36.
36.
Is your mom a big lady too?
Yeah, but she got weight loss surgery like two years ago, so she's slimming down.
Have you thought about getting the surgery?
Yeah, I did.
I did think about it.
I was going to get it, and then I lost like 30K in crypto.
Oh, crypto.
I thought he was going to say 30 kilos.
Yeah.
Wow.
So the crypto market is the reason why you're not getting the surgery.
Uh,
yeah,
basically.
Okay.
To the ground.
That's a crypto.
He's trying to do a crypto joke.
Wow. Wow.
Okay.
So how much do you need for this surgery?
Do you know?
Last time I checked, I went in the summer to 16K.
Uh-huh.
16K?
16,000.
That doesn't seem like that much.
That's how much it is?
Yeah, but I can't get a loan on it, and I don't have health insurance.
Why don't we do something fun?
Why don't we, when this episode comes out,
Why don't we do that?
Who from the audience would like to give $16,000 to?
Anybody?
Anybody?
No?
Wait, so what are you going to say, though?
I think that you should do a fucking GoFundMe,
and when this episode comes out,
we'll funnel people to it,
and maybe it'll change it.
You don't have long to live.
I know, I know. I don't have long to live. I know.
I don't know how I don't know how
I'm going to direct
your doctor was to you.
Sudden death,
he said.
Yeah.
Verbatim.
Yeah,
there's no doubt about it.
You have like fucking minutes.
Dude,
it's actually
you might not make it
to the episode release.
We're like two or three weeks behind.
We'll put it in the link
on the YouTube.
So right below, if you make it, it's gonna be down there.
I guarantee you we raised enough money
for you to have this surgery.
One penny a person, we'll get you there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean...
But you have to fucking,
you have to spend it on the surgery.
No doubt about it, man.
I take care of my mom, I work so much, and...
But if you raise $70,000,
you could use leftovers for tacos.
I love it.
Well, there you go.
We're going to try
to raise money for you
to get surgery
because 500 and fucking 20 pounds
is absolutely
butt fucking crazy.
You're not wrong, brother.
We're going to try to make you
the middleweight champion
of the world.
I'm down, baby.
All right, there he goes.
Heavyweight champion
of the world.
Here's a medium-sized joke book.
There you go.
Boom.
Right in the middle of his tits.
Absolutely nailed it.
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All right, let's keep it moving along.
Your next comedian goes by the name of Wayne McCracken.
60 seconds uninterrupted for Wayne McCracken,
live here on Kill Tony.
Here he is.
Make some noise for Wayne, everybody.
Oh, what's up, Texas?
All right.
A little bit about myself.
I am not what you would call an educated person.
That's right.
Now, I don't think that means I'm retarded, is the thing.
Here's the thing.
What is not retarded about me is the fact that I think evolution is real.
Do we believe in evolution in this room?
No? You don't think it's a real thing?
Here's what I'll say. I don't think it explains the human condition.
I don't know how homo sapiens somehow finagled their way to the top of the food chain
when they're prone to things like scoliosis and sunburns.
Seems a little off.
But I will tell you this.
This is how I know evolution is real.
I've got one buddy.
He was born with a vestigial tail, right?
You know what his girlfriend calls it?
The big one.
That's not even the worst one.
I have another friend
that was recently diagnosed
with super gonorrhea,
a very unfortunate
diagnosis. This poor
asshole didn't just get the clap.
He got a standing ovation. You know what I'm saying?
Rawr. Okay.
Wayne McCracken.
Absolutely
flatlining up here.
I mean, that was
about as bad as it gets, Wayne.
That's about it.
Oh, the encouragement tone.
You know what sucks
I forgot about?
Huh?
I'm on stage
looking at no laughter,
so I'm also affected.
We are not used to that.
I feel bad.
We worked long and hard
to never have that feeling.
Yeah, it hurt.
That's why I don't ever
look them directly in the eyes
when somebody's bombing that hard.
I don't want to see what...
It hurt. It hurt me too.
No, no, no. It didn't.
You're having literally the best time
of your life right now. Here's the thing.
I'm really not. I did too many drugs
this afternoon. You're blaming it on the
drugs, huh? It's my escape route.
Do you think that that material would have
gone differently if you did no
drugs? Did you change
your set list after doing the drugs?
Or you think your delivery was affected?
All of the
above. All of the above. Do you change your
set list after doing drugs?
No, here's the real deal. I just got
here from Colorado. I got in 36
hours ago. I'm operating on eight hours of sleep.
Once again, not an excuse.
We are all operating off
of eight hours of sleep, by the way.
That's an excellent point. It's an incredible
amount of sleep.
I landed from
Seattle, which is farther than
Colorado, less than 36
hours ago, and I got less than eight
hours of sleep, and I'm up here for two hours
hosting a show. I think that's why you're a professional and I'm not.
Okay.
You suck, Wayne.
How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Wayne?
Tony, I've been doing it for four and a half years.
Oh my God.
And that was your best minute that you could come up with here on the biggest platform
for stand-up comedians in the world?
I knew I shouldn't have signed up. I'm not platform for stand-up comedians in the world? I knew I shouldn't
have signed up.
I'm not in the mood.
You're not in the mood?
You just went out
in front of a million people.
This is unbelievable.
This is what I deserve,
actually.
We're running on limited time.
Stop rambling
into the microphone.
Give us a redeeming quality
about you.
The entire room
is against you right now.
You're filled with nothing but excuses
and punchline-less material.
Give us something that we would like
about you, Wayne McCracken.
You have your
entire life to reference here. How old are you?
32 years.
32 years of life story.
This is your chance right now to
turn this whole thing around. Tell us
something interesting about you
right now. Go.
I am a pedicabber. I was in
Vegas where I would kidnap
people and put them on my cab and extort them
for money when I got off of them.
Here is the world's
tiniest joke book
that we've ever given out.
This has been in case of emergency break
glass. Look how small that is. Just for those of you that might not know, this is a normal size,
small joke book. That is that size joke book. It has a sad face on the back of it and a KT on the
front. This is a medium size joke book. And this is a big-sized joke book.
Red Band, we got the lighter reference.
Very good.
This is a big joke book.
This is the size that you're getting.
Wayne, may I recommend...
What do you do for a living?
What do you do for a living?
You're a pedicabber professionally.
Have you ever had brain trauma or anything?
Yeah, when I was a kid, for sure.
What happened?
Football.
Sure.
Okay, what was the drugs that you did earlier?
And skateboarding. What was the drugs that you did earlier?
Weed,
cocaine, and voodoo
rangers, also known as the heroin of beers.
You did cocaine? Did you bring it from Colorado
with you or you got it on the streets here?
The closer you get to the border, the better it gets.
It's here now. Cocaine is here in Austin.
Right, so you got it here
in the last 36 hours. Yeah, I got it. That's pretty cool. Cocaine is here in Austin. Right, so you got it here in the last 36 hours.
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
I know pretty cabers.
Okay, the world's smallest joke book.
You gonna catch it? We're gonna see if you can catch it.
It would be the only thing that you've accomplished.
It might happen.
He used his chest, though.
Tony, I will try to do better next time.
Stop talking. You suck.
There will be no next time, Wayne McCracken.
He's blacklisted.
It's been a long time since I've done it.
You're blacklisted.
Go.
Back to obscurity you go.
We have no room for people like this.
The blacklisting is back on Kill Tony.
Wow.
All right.
Your next comedian goes by the name of Frankie Ryan.
60 seconds uninterrupted
for Frankie Ryan. Here we
go. Make some noise for Frankie, everybody.
How we doing?
How we doing, man?
I'm so excited to be here tonight.
I decided to wear what we call a woo-hoo shirt.
You know what a woo-hoo shirt is?
Woo-hoo!
Now I'm on the apps,
and most of the time when I say apps,
people think I'm talking about appetizers,
but I'm talking about Tinder, Hinge, Bumble,
for this guy
grinder uh i matched with this girl and she told me that she was a vegan so as you could tell we
didn't have too much in common uh we decided to go out for drinks and not dinner because there was no
way i was gonna pay for like rabbit food you know uh drinks went well we head back to my place things
start getting hot and heavy and like the gentleman i I am, I drop my hand down low.
She goes, I'm sorry, I'm on my period.
I said, don't worry, baby,
I eat my steak with a little bit of blood in it.
She wasn't having it.
After a minute, you know, it started going back towards me.
She started fighting the one-eyed champion,
you know, jerking the gherkin.
I said, baby, I'm sorry,
you're gonna have to put your mouth on it.
She goes, excuse me, you think a vegan will put meat in her mouth?
I said, how else does a vegan girl get down?
She put my legs behind my head and started tossing my salad.
Thank you.
Wow.
That's a lot of salad.
It's one of those Olive Garden never-ending salad bowls right there.
There's a few croutons in that salad, I'm guessing.
Croutons.
Croutons.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
How we doing?
Frankie, welcome to the show.
Thank you.
I can't tell whether you're hilarious or just going up after fucking Wayne McCracken makes anybody funny.
No, I was back there and that guy fucking sucked.
I'm probably not that funny.
I love it.
I love it.
You actually look like if the first two comedians made a baby together.
It's incredible.
You're the heavyweight champion of McCracken world.
My goodness.
This is incredible.
How long you been doing stand up?
About two years. Two years. Where at? Orlando, Florida. Orlando, Florida. And you just visiting Austin? Yes, sir.
Okay. When did you get here? I got here last Sunday. The goal was to stay for two opportunities
to get on this show. And you signed up last week. It didn't happen. And here you are. Here we are.
When you go back to Orlando tomorrow? Yeah, I leave at like,
I was planning on leaving at like
three o'clock in the morning tomorrow.
You're driving.
Yeah, I'm supposed to like work on Wednesday,
but that's probably not happening.
I sell like RVs and boats and shit.
Okay, yeah, you look like you would do that.
Thank you, thank you.
He's pretty good on stage.
He has a delivery style.
You can tell he's done it a bunch.
Yeah. Thank you. You work hard at it,. He has a delivery style. You can tell he's done it a bunch. Yeah.
Thank you.
You work hard at it, huh?
I practice a lot in the car, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
I don't like open mics
because I feel like good jokes bomb
no matter what at shitty open mics.
But hey, shows, I fucking love it, man.
You ever take someone out to international waters
where there's no laws
and just do whatever the fuck you want to them?
Like torture them
with my comedy?
No, sir.
I have not.
I love it.
Damn, there's a lot
of people in here, dude.
Yeah, there's a lot more
than you can fit in your car.
That's for sure.
God damn sure. Okay, so's a lot more than you can fit in your car. That's for sure. That's true.
Okay, so Frankie,
what else are you into other than
stand-up comedy and slinging
boats and RVs? I'm a
degenerate gambler.
We were playing card games over there
or wherever the fuck it was.
You bet on sports?
Well, I don't know if you know this, but right now I've
partnered up with DraftKings
and Super Bowl 58 is right around the corner.
And if you bet $5, you get $200.
They match your bet up to $200.
All you have to do is download the DraftKings Sports app
and use the promo code Tony.
There we go.
I'll write it down.
Coincidence.
Yeah.
What a crazy coincidence.
Yeah.
That he gambles and you have that promo code. That is nuts. Yeah. That's crazy. I just
made enough money to get lap band surgery for the heavyweight champion of the world
right then in that very moment. That's amazing. It is. I love it. Um, what's your poison? How do
you get to be that big? If it wasn't for the heavyweight champion of the world, you'd be the
biggest guy we've had on this show in a long time. Yeah, I like to
tell people it's probably drinking, but
it's fucking McChickens, dude.
McChickens?
It's such a fucking deal. You can go
to Chick-fil-A, get one
chicken sandwich or $4
get you four McChickens.
Right. Do you
think that it's actual chicken?
No. If it was actual chicken? No. Right.
No.
If it was actual chicken, I wouldn't look that bad, dude.
Right.
Chicken is a healthier meat.
Jesus.
Do you call all chicken sandwiches McChickens, by the way?
No, just the McDonald's one, dude.
I'm class.
Yeah, but you said Chick-fil-A.
Well, he was comparing the prices of the two.
Yeah.
It's like truthful, though, value.
I'm balling on a budget, you know?
Right.
Right.
You don't go Chick-fil-A at all.
Hey, Tony.
No, I mean...
Yeah.
The black guys behind us are really murmuring at this chicken talk.
Yeah, what's going on back here?
You guys, you say chicken three times.
D Madness and John D start arguing over nothing.
What's going on back here?
Matt's in it too?
Oh, absolutely.
What, is he the one that eats the white bread for you guys?
Ari, you had a question or something?
No, wait.
Oh, I'm confused.
I'm spun around.
Do you have any special skills or talents, Frankie?
No, I just show my belly.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was pretty good, though.
Yeah, I try to do that to get a pop and then right off of that, yeah.
Special talents, no.
What's your love life like, Frankie?
Who are you?
You got there breaking beds?
I actually built a mega bed.
Would you like to hear about it?
Yes, yes, we would.
So my girlfriend moved in with me, And I have an adjustable base frame queen
The king bed is like way too expensive to buy
Right
Obviously I'm not sharing a bed with another person on a queen
Right
So I strapped her bed to my neck
Hold on Ari go ahead
Cause you're fat
You're fast with it, dude.
Yeah.
Fuck.
So you're not sharing a bed.
Keep going.
So I strapped her bed to my bed, and they don't come apart.
You strapped it?
Strapped it like fucking...
So it's a king and a queen wrapped together.
No, no, no.
It's a queen and a fool. Oh. Yeah it's a mega bed it's a mega bed man such a cool name we were expecting
you to actually build something you just strapped a couple fucking beds together i thought it was
pretty innovative yeah i like it two kings would be cool, though. Yeah, I just don't have
the room for it. I don't know if I told you,
but I budget for McChickens.
So,
my room's
not that big.
He is loving it.
It is incredible.
Wow.
Unbelievable stuff. Frankie, I like your style. You're getting a big joke book here.
Going to catch it? Boom. There he goes. Frankie Ryan, everybody.
Okay. Yeah, let's do it. Now's that time where we go to one of our most unbelievable regulars in the history of the show.
I mean, this guy's literally fucking unbelievable.
On the road, he's absolutely killing.
Coming off of four sold-out theaters with me this weekend.
Just got invited to open up for Bird in some giant venues.
Just opened up for Shane Gillis.
Headlining on his own,
a fucking freak of nature.
I present to you a brand new minute
from the great Cam Patterson.
So, me being on this show
was like really dope.
You know what I'm saying?
It's the coolest shit
that ever happened to me in my life.
But I think some of the wrong people saw the rock shit.
Because where I'm from, all my homeboys had no idea what I was into in life.
Now they see me talk about my life experiences every week.
You know what I'm saying?
And I went back home for the first time a couple weeks ago.
And my dog saw me.
He was like, hey, man, I love you on that kid,
Tony Show, that shit hard, bro.
Like, watch what you doing, shit, bro.
I had no idea.
You was a real weirdo.
You like a whole bunch of weird-ass shit,
goof-ass nigga.
And like I told y'all, he a real fan.
He, like, really enjoyed the show.
So when I repeated a joke on accident,
he called me.
He was like, you repeating jokes?
Oh, dumbass, fuck, nigga.
He was mad at me, right?
He was mad as shit.
And I was like, yeah, you know, I ain't mean until it was an accident.
He said, I know you repeat jokes.
You had to repeat a joke, repeat a third grade.
You just a retarded ass nigga.
That was my time.
I love it.
59 seconds right on the fucking dot for Cam Patterson.
Embracing the repeating of a joke.
Their shirt says,
The Adventures of Cam Ra-Peterson.
Yeah, I be reading the comments when I shouldn't,
and they got me.
That shit was funny, dog.
The repeater shit is very funny.
Whoever came up with that, I owe you money,
but fuck you, I kill your mom.
The repeater shit is very funny. Whoever came up with that, I owe you money,
but fuck you, I kill your mom.
I kill your mother, bitch.
So much fun.
I cannot explain to you guys.
I've been doing the fucking road for basically 17 years,
and you might be one of the most fun people
to go out there with.
All we do is laugh and fucking have so much fun. And one of
the most amazing things about Cam, and it is getting bigger and better, this man that you're
looking at is by far the biggest marketing genius I've ever been around in the history of stand-up
comedy. Ari, are you ready for this? Because you, our senior Jewish correspondent, are going to, your mind is about to fucking be blown.
So, Breaking Jews.
This is unbelievable.
What is it?
I'm about to make you hard as a rock.
You ready?
Profit margin.
Here we go.
First of all, his father meets us
in whatever city we land in, right?
He goes to Home Depot that day.
Buys about, what, $7?
It turns out for a giant
never-ending bag
of rocks, it's about like $7.
It's like garden rocks.
$8.25.
$8.25 for a
massive
bag of rocks. You see what I'm getting at? No fucking way. Rocks, eight twenty five, eight twenty five for a no way, massive,
a way, what I'm fucking so fucking smart.
It's God damn it.
Be leaveable.
So the people much each huh?
Did I wow?
Wow, and he sells out in every city.
So instead of lugging extra rocks to the next city
and getting on a flight with a bag of rocks
like a fucking psychopath,
he has one duffel bag with his shit in it
and a giant plastic case
that is a motherfucking credit card machine.
So he's just ka-chank, ka-chank, ka-chank.
Literally the largest profit margin. He might make
more on merch than fucking Kevin Hart
and Burt Kreischer combined.
Literally slinging rocks.
Slinging rocks. You could take
the man out of the hood, but you
cannot take the hood out of the man.
Come on, man. You gotta flip it,
baby. Come on,
man. It is unbelievable.
Fucking smart, Cam.
Unbelievable.
So the next city, they land in another city.
The dad goes to Home Depot, buys 825 Earth of Rocks.
They fucking sell.
I mean, it must be, I don't know.
It's a fucking lot of rocks, though.
It's a lot.
He got little baggies and shit with stickers on them.
You know what I'm saying?
And they have it down to a fucking science.
He probably makes more money than I do doing sold-out theaters.
At the end of the day, he's got a fucking credit card machine.
Yeah, life got better.
Thank you.
It's unbelievable.
You are a fucking genius.
It doesn't make sense.
But in every way, creating, marketing, fucking profiting,
every single thing you're doing absolutely correctly.
It doesn't make sense.
You are supposed to be like ghetto.
You're supposed to be like, I don't know.
Where's this business at?
You're supposed to be slinging dope rocks.
Yeah, I'd be thinking of it, you know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
All that shit I wasn't good at turned into something
that I could, you know what I'm saying, really good at
and make positive net worth.
You know what I'm saying?
Goddamn it.
Look at that. Look at that. Positive net worth. I know words you know what I'm saying, really good at and make positive net worth, you feel what I'm talking about? God damn it, look at that.
Look at that, positive net worth.
I know words like that, I know words like that.
Net worth, pussy!
Net worth!
Yes, this is the life of Cam Patterson.
Cam, did you switch your sweatpants
before you got on stage?
Yeah, I did.
I thought so. That had gray ones on it. You had gray sweatpants on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody gonna look on stage? Yeah, I did. I thought so.
Yeah, I had gray ones on earlier.
You had gray sweatpants on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Everybody was going to look at my dick print.
I didn't want that to happen, so I decided.
I put on regular sweatpants.
We saw Ari's dick print when he came out.
Pretty incredible.
Pretty incredible.
I'm going to have trouble getting over this rock situation.
It's crazy.
That's great.
If the IRS is listening, he lied about everything.
Tax free.
Cam, you're a fucking murderer.
You did it again.
I love it. You're rolling with the fucking punches in every single fucking murderer. You did it again. I love it.
You're rolling with the fucking punches in every single fucking way.
Thank you.
You know the funniest shit?
Yeah.
My dad, the first person
that called me back
to repeat the joke,
he said,
you repeated the joke.
And I was like,
no, they said,
you repeated the joke, nigga.
You did it.
That was it.
That's what my dad says to me, too.
Yeah.
I love it. You know know most people in your situation
Don't have a dad calling them at all
So you're very lucky
Very lucky
There he goes ladies and gentlemen
The cold blooded assassin
Cam
The repeater Patterson
There he goes Listen, Cam, the repeater Patterson.
There he goes.
Hey, everybody.
You know that little guy with the hat and glasses when you open up incognito mode for a little late night research?
That guy has seen some shit.
Am I right?
Good thing he knows how to keep a secret.
Oh, wait, he doesn't.
Even with Mr. Incognito on duty,
every single thing you've ever clicked on
is fully visible to anyone who owns your Wi-Fi.
Who's that?
Who, you ask?
Oh, I don't know.
Your work, your school's IT department, your parents.
Sounds like you need ExpressVPN.
ExpressVPN is an app that sends 100% of your traffic
through their encrypted servers,
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So I can watch whatever I want, everything from Netflix to OnlyFans without the whole world knowing it.
I love being able to watch anything anywhere while my information is being kept private.
That's true.
I just binged It's Always Sunny even though it's not usually available on Netflix.
How?
I used ExpressVPN to switch my location to the UK. Far not usually available on Netflix. How? I used ExpressVPN to switch my
location to the UK. Fargo isn't on Netflix. ExpressVPN to Canada and there it is. Cowboy
Bebop, French Netflix, boom. It's so easy. I can literally go to more than 100 different countries
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Here he goes.
On to the next one.
Out of the bucket.
Again, as you've seen, anything can happen with these bucket pools.
Make some noise for Robert Lee, everybody.
Robert Lee.
Here he is.
What's going on, y'all?
Y'all having a good night, mothership?
Good, because I've been trying to reach you
about your car's extended warranty.
And if you haven't got your 6400 from the government,
what are you doing?
Love impressions, yo.
Hey, we got any Taylor Swift fans in here?
Yeah, any?
I'm almost positive she already has a song
that rhymes Travis Kelce, Something Else,
NFL in the Middle, CTE, and Remember Me, you know?
I can't wait for her to just date a black guy
so she could just come out with a mad rap album or something. Somehow she's able to rhyme the word trigger, you know? I can't wait for her to just date a black guy so she could just come out with a mad rap album
or something. Somehow she's able to
rhyme the word trigger, you know?
Hey, that's her, not me.
I love my wife.
Been with her for 12 years.
But we're not traditional Mexicans
because obviously we don't have kids.
But the thing is
is, you know, we're Christians, not Catholics. We don't breed as but the thing is you know we're Christians not Catholics
we don't breed as fast you know
so
thank you I've been robbed
holy shit man wow
god damn
Robert Lee welcome
welcome
why the Schwarzenegger is selling cars
I don't understand
of all the places to put them into,
why would it be a car?
It's my favorite guy.
I love that shit.
And why do Christians not make babies like Catholics?
I'm confused at that, too.
Oh, Catholic Christians,
I mean, Catholics versus Christians,
they breed faster and they touch little boys,
so I just thought I'd get across.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope. Uh. Your jokes about Christianity, Catholicism did not get across.
So Robert Lee, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?
About six months actually. Six months?
Yes, sir.
Where at?
Just San Antonio, doing some bars and clubs, wherever I can get in.
You feel good after you do it?
Well, sometimes.
Sometimes they're good.
Sometimes they're bad.
It's a lot of minutes among minutes.
It's one of those jokes in that minute that you do that gets laughs?
Well, it gets attention, and then I try, you know do that gets laughs well it gets attention and then i try you know i
get attention you mean they're paying attention to you when you're doing it uh yeah well most of
the time it's loud crowds loud bars so i try to be as louder than them to get their attention first
and then you know see if i can push forward from there okay okay ari doesn't always win Okay, okay. Ari likes you. Ari likes you because it appears as though you're wearing an extra mega yarmulke.
It's a hat that's too small for me.
Yeah, it's a hat too small for my head.
Is that a Toyota hat?
Yeah, my wife used to work for Toyota for a while.
She used to be a mechanic, or she is, but used to work for Toyota.
Your wife's a mechanic?
Yes, sir, yes, sir.
That's hilarious.
She should fix that that act
hey at least i don't have to get out of the car to change the tire no more man i'm the pretty one
you're the pretty one i hope so oh fuck
oh my god okay how devastating would it be if his wife left him for the heavyweight champion
could happen hey
to his name after he gets that surgery dude he might be might fucking be balling out of control
uh robert what's the greatest quality about you uh i mean not to be gay but i love the fuck out
of my wife and all my family like shit i'm the most loyal person you actually fucking meet
well it's easy to be loyal when absolutely nobody wants to fuck you,
isn't it?
I don't know.
I had my time, but I met my wife
young. Yeah, we've been married for, like
I said, like 12 years. How old are you now?
30. So 18,
damn. Yeah, so... Have you ever fucked
anybody other than your wife? High school,
some college, I mean... Also some cheating
here and there, right?
You can cut this part out.
There's a couple months
we don't talk about in there,
but it's all right.
Okay.
What are those couple months?
Yeah.
I love to talk about it.
Like the beginning.
Just the beginning.
You were goofing around
a little bit?
I was goofing.
I found out she goofed
after.
I took it harder than her,
obviously.
Wow, I doubt that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay, Robert.
Any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy?
You know, I play a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh.
You play a lot of what?
Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, flag football.
Oh, shit.
Here's a little joke book.
I got to get you out of here, dude.
There he goes, Robert Lee.
There he goes.
Get out of here, Robert.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God. Why did Yu-Gi-Oh get a massive boo? What? there he goes get out of here Robert Jesus Christ oh my god
why did Yu-Gi-Oh
get a massive boo
what
why did Yu-Gi-Oh
get a massive boo
I don't know
these people don't
fuck around dude
these people do not
fuck around
how many of you
like it when people
do good on this show
how many of you
like it when people
do bad on this show
you must be having the time of your life tonight.
Make some noise for your next bucket poll.
Sean Stewart, everybody.
The Kill Tony debut, I do believe, of Sean Stewart.
Howdy, y'all.
So I'm from Austin, but when I grew up here, I consider myself somewhat of a pacifist.
And I think that's because when I grew up, I was somewhat of a fat ass.
But either way, I was never much of a fighter. In fact, my record's one in one.
But I saw recently the kid that kicked my ass back in middle school had made it onto the news recently.
Had a whole article written about him.
Got hit by a fucking train.
That shit was bittersweet.
Because the best part,
I can talk all the shit I want now.
The worst part,
probably his fucking funeral.
Had to be a closed casket.
Broke up with my ex after she got hit by a train also.
A black train.
Okay.
Sean Stewart.
All right.
That was the worst episode
of Prairie Hulk companion.
Howdy, y'all.
Here we go.
So believe it or not,
that wasn't the worst set
of the night.
Good news for you, Sean Stewart.
It was fucking terrible, but not even the second worst set of the night.
But it wasn't even like there were jokes that didn't hit.
It just wasn't jokes.
Right.
Literally not a joke.
There was an attempt at a joke, kind of, with the black train, but it wasn't really like...
It was like the cliff Notes of his therapy.
Yeah.
I can talk all the shit I want now.
I always thought it was kind of funny.
I mean, it actually happened.
Uh-huh.
That's cool.
That's fun.
Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up?
About three, four months now.
Three or four months.
Where at?
Only here in Austin.
Okay.
What made you want to start stand-up three or four months now. Three or four months. Where at? Only here in Austin. Okay. What made you want to start stand-up three or four months ago?
Mainly the show.
I kind of thought comedy was dead after 2016 and that whole Trump era.
You thought comedy was dead?
Well, I thought you can't really make jokes making fun of dead people that got hit by trains really anymore.
And you said, I also won't?
No, and then I kinda...
So I saw I killed Tony and like, kinda like,
edgy, like, making fun of people jokes coming back,
and I was like, all right, well, I guess I'm a bully, so.
Okay, are you a bully?
I've been on both sides when I grew up.
I got bullied and I bullied, so I think it's like even. are you a bully? I've been on both sides when I grew up. I got bullied
and I bullied,
so I think it's like even.
Who do you bully?
Um,
bullied like the Minecraft kids
in middle school.
Ah,
how about,
uh,
Yu-Gi?
Yu-Yo.
No,
Yu-Gi-Oh was cool
in like elementary school.
Oh,
yeah.
So cool.
Oh,
shit,
here we go.
Here we go.
You're getting booed, Sean.
This is a ruckus of a crowd tonight.
Double middle fingers from some guy wearing a Yankees hat.
Sean, over here.
Don't bully him.
Don't bully him.
This guy's demeanor is something
I've never seen it before.
He's very comfortable.
It's not that I'm just up here doing nothing.
It's that also, I've oftentimes thought of coming here and doing nothing.
I thought, why not come to do nothing for you people?
I'm just going to say racist jokes like Ari Shaffir.
He doesn't just do racist jokes.
That's not even true.
Oh, another booing.
Sean, give us a redeeming quality about you.
What's going to make the room like you right now?
Um, I like rock climbing.
Oh, Jesus.
Not bad.
About two years ago, I started going back to church.
You go to church every Sunday?
I kind of stopped when I got a girlfriend.
Okay. Yeah. That a girlfriend. Okay.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah.
God gave you a girlfriend and you stopped going to church.
No, she wasn't from the church, actually.
Huh?
She wasn't from the church.
Right.
But I mainly started going to church because I was out on 6th Street after getting broken up with.
And my buddy was like, Sean, you don't want to meet a girl out here.
Come to church with me.
And so I started going to church for two years.
Wow.
Okay.
Sean.
Sean.
What are you afraid of?
Blacks.
Okay.
There he goes.
There he goes. There he goes.
Sean Stewart.
We're going to keep it moving.
We're going to fly through a lot of people here tonight.
Okay.
What the fuck is going on back there?
Okay.
Okay.
How about a hand for John Deese, everybody?
Okay.
We're going to get back to this bucket pool bullshit in a second.
These guys have been unbelievably bad today.
Yeah, it is incredible.
This next comedian is neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner.
He is either despised or loved by the Kill Tony fan base.
I like to give him a spot every once in a great while because he's so funny offstage.
And lately, slowly, we have been watching him transition
into being able to be funnier onstage.
I present to you, ladies and gentlemen,
a brand new minute from the one and only Uncle Lazer. I was sure almond milk ain't making everybody trans
Right? We used to have a hole in 2% almond milk ain't making everybody trans.
Right?
We used to have a hole in 2%. Everybody had
strong bones and we had regular gays.
And boy, they're getting hard to spot,
aren't they?
I'm messaging back and forth to this girl from Miami,
right, what I thought was a girl. She said, hey, I do the OnlyFans. She said, back and forth to this girl from Miami, right,
what I thought was a girl.
You know, she said,
hey, I do the OnlyFans.
I sent you some of my content now.
I said, oh, come on, right?
She didn't send it to me.
The next morning,
she sent me a text saying,
oh, shit, I did not send that
to Uncle Ledger.
I sent that to my Uncle Mike.
I said, Thanksgiving's
going to be weird, no?
She then, she goes,
I was like, but you know, like, your parents know you do the OnlyFans, so you should be all right. She goes, yeah, was like But you know
Like your parents know
You do the OnlyFans
So you should be alright
She goes yeah
But they don't know
I transitioned
And I said
What do you mean?
Like anally to vaginally?
Like what are you talking about?
She said
Oh you didn't read my bio?
I said
Bitch I don't fucking read
But we'll see
Uncle Lazer With a new minute I don't fucking read, but we'll see.
Uncle Lazer.
With a new minute.
A few jokes peppered in there. I almost don't recognize the show with jokes.
It's been such a crazy night.
A lot of fucking bombardiers up here.
I was like, if I can't follow that,
I need to just go fucking sit on it.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, if I can't beat that, I just need to kill myself, sit out in traffic.
Right.
Absolutely.
What is that thing you keep doing with your tongue?
What's going on there?
You become more lizard-like every time you come on the show.
Well, I seen Ari's nuts up there, and let me tell you what.
Uh-oh, look at that.
It's a real sauerkraut of a situation for a Jewish man down there, you know what I'm talking about?
Uh-oh. He keeps that motherfucking thing
on him. Oh my God.
Uncle Lizard is here. Oh, Jesus
Christ. Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh, my God.
Absolutely incredible.
Has a doctor ever told you what's going on with that testicle?
It's got Skittles in it.
Look at it.
It's got Skittles in it.
That ball is shaped like the heavyweight champion of the world.
It's got shelves.
There's veins.
Oh, my God.
Don't pull on them like that.
Why are you so rough with it?
Oh.
Oh, my God.
The most sold-out show in comedy,
and this is what goes on at it.
We'll be right back.
Deep Madness just said he's glad he's blind.
Yeah.
Deep Madness has no idea what's going on right now whatsoever.
But he knows that something is not right.
He can suspect, I do believe there's a smell or something
that perhaps he picks up on.
A certain energy.
The balls are in your leg, watch out!
Okay, Red Band.
Red Band, very good, Red Band.
The one drops the balls like Red Band.
So Uncle Laser, here we are.
Good almond milk joke, though.
That was great.
Thanks, bud.
Thank you.
Yeah, you're doing it, dude.
It's very impressive.
You're out on the road doing a lot of shows
and coming up with new material,
and it's fun to have you come on
and show everybody what's up.
You are a, you know, a lot of people early on,
they're like, oh, that's Tony's buddy.
What's going on?
He just seems like a character, this and that.
And you're kind of fulfilling this prophecy
that I wanted people to see of what happens
when somebody with a good stage presence
and a good performer energy gets better at writing
and performing stand-up comedy.
And you're a prime example of that.
Because those early minutes
early on, I mean, holy shit.
Holy shit. And you didn't use
your drug use as an excuse like some
people did here tonight.
You know, you were just doing drugs
and bombing, but you didn't have excuses.
You worked at it and here you are.
A good new minute. Rock fucking solid.
How about a hand for Uncle Lazer, everybody?
Thank you, guys.
Uncle Lazer, balls to the walls.
All right, pulled another name out of the bucket.
Make some noise for your next comedian.
It's been a rough bucket night, but according to you guys,
you guys like to watch people struggle
up here. Make some noise for Dustin Horton, everyone. There he is.
I'm a firm believer that the pain that we go through in life and the trauma that we
endure ultimately defines us as people. That being said, I've been to state prison,
I've lost a father to suicide, I've overcome drug addiction, I've also had a cucumber up my ass.
I'll let you all decide which was the most traumatic to me.
No, I didn't need to go to prison to get raped.
No, I just need a little bit of Molly,
a decent buzz, a dominating girlfriend.
And clearly I'm a willing participant.
But the pain that my asshole endured
during that experience,
it was nothing compared to the look
on the neighbor's kids' faces when they came out to go to
school that morning, and they see me getting
pegged with produce in the hot tub.
That's going to stick with both
of us for life.
Promise.
Anyways.
Jesus fucking Christ, man.
What the fuck is going on tonight?
This is incredible.
Are you crying?
What's going on?
Talk into the microphone.
How long have you been trying stand-up comedy?
This is my fifth set.
Your fifth set.
Were the other ones in front of human beings
or are you a car guy?
The last one was actually
at the mothership
about an hour ago.
Okay, you got on
the open mic here.
Yes.
Randomly selected.
Correct.
And how did that go?
It went well, actually.
Really?
Fucking way.
Really?
What did you do there?
What did you talk about?
Was it that minute?
It was that mixed with another minute about a broken leg and shit in my pants.
Was the other minute the part that was funny?
Did you do the unfunny minute here?
Or was that the funniest minute out of the three minutes that you did in the other room?
Were you getting both these together for your big road to?
I think I just tried to combine them
and do the best I could
with the experience I have.
How old are you?
I'm 37.
And you're just starting stand-up now.
What made you want to start this now?
This cocktail of trauma that I've had in my life.
Tell us about the trauma.
Tell us.
Tell us.
We want to fucking hear it.
I want to hear about your dad.
You want to hear about my dad?
Three years ago, he blew his
brains out high on crystal meth.
Okay.
Did he leave a note?
He did not leave a note, no.
He did not leave a note. And the
autopsy said he was on crystal meth, or are you
just guessing? We were told
by neighbors. You were told
by neighbors that he was on crystal meth?
I didn't live anywhere near him.
Did you communicate
with him at all
before his death?
Not as much
as I should have, no.
You feel a little bit
of regret?
Yeah, definitely.
We have good news for you.
Here on the line,
we can communicate
directly with people
that are in hell.
Here we go.
Hold on a second. Let it ring again.
Okay, here we are.
We're through. We've gotten through
on the hell line.
Speak to your father. Speak to him.
Hey, Dad. How's it going?
That's what you wanted to ask your dead father?
Who's in hell?
How's it going?
What the fuck were you thinking?
What the fuck were you thinking?
Okay, let's see if he has an answer for that.
Let's see what we got here.
Hold on a second.
Yes.
Oh, wait.
That's Satan trying to interrupt.
Hold on a second.
Okay.
Well, it's not working.
The communication isn't working with your father.
It never did.
I think he killed himself again.
There you go.
Okay, tell us about real trauma.
Your dad that you didn't even talk to
blowing his brains out.
That could be your fault, by the way,
for not reaching out.
Yeah.
Where's the rest of that meth?
You kind of caused that yourself.
It wasn't the crystal meth.
It was your lack of communication.
What did you go to state prison for?
Yeah, that's a good one.
So me and a group of friends actually stole lobster.
Really enunciate into that microphone.
Me and a group of friends actually stole lobster and beer
from a restaurant near my house.
Lobster and beer?
No, that's not state prison.
You're not black. That's not state prison.
I'm dead serious. I got two to six
years with a
boot camp. For lobster and beer?
How much fucking lobster
and beer did you steal?
We robbed a restaurant across from my house.
It was during a
night time when there was nobody there.
I got charged with a class D felony in the state of New York,
and I did a two- to six-year sentence.
You did a what?
Two- to six-year sentence.
How long did you serve?
I went into this boot camp program,
so I got sent to this prison boot camp, basically, for nine months.
For lobster and beer?
Where did your friends get?
Well, most of them got six months, five years probation, because they finally snitched. For lobster and beer, where did your friends get? Well,
most of them got six months, five years probation,
because they finally snitched. I don't believe that story. I don't believe it.
It seems like there's something more to it.
Something more. Lobster and beer.
He stole a lot of lobster and beer, is what he's saying.
How much lobster did you steal,
and how were they able to find you?
They caught us because the restaurant
came to rape a waitress while we were there,
as well.
Oh, I should have mentioned the rape cases beer. Oh, we did rape a waitress while we were there as well. Oh, I should have mentioned
the rape, yeah.
Yeah, now that I think about it,
that might have been
associated with the sex.
Restaurant beer is...
Okay, how did they find you?
The cartons of fucking
restaurant beer...
Followed a trail of butter
back to his house?
How did they find you?
The cartons of restaurant beer boxes
that were outside
of our garbage.
Like,
it was a party scene
for a week after that.
Oh my God.
Just drinking
restaurant beer.
The cops were able
to track it down
because you left it outside.
because it was a block
away from my house.
Oh,
you're so stupid.
I was 19.
It's unbelievable. How old are you now 37 37 my how the
time flies um okay tell us more about this trauma supposedly what do you do for work uh currently
bartend okay tell us more about why you think you ended up this way because you look like you look
like you could be the ceo of a company and you're just kind of like Because you look like you could be the CEO of a company
and you're just fucking kind of like having
a day off, you're having a good old time.
But on the inside,
there's none of that going on.
No, there's a lot of fucking
a lot of shit going on inside.
It's like when somebody puts one of those Mercedes
bodies over an Elantra
or something like that.
You're also, you're homosexual, correct?
I am not, no.
No?
You sure? How about in boot camp?
Did you come out of your shell?
No, sir.
All right, no cracking any claws out there?
No, I'm very straight.
How straight are you?
Explain to us the straightest thing you've ever done before.
Not that easy of a question for a gay man, is it?
I've just never even thought about that question It's time to start thinking about it buddy
Now's the time
I only say it because you're definitely a homosexual
Yeah
Yeah
One second you're shoving lobster up your ass
And the next
You're trying to figure out
what's straight about you.
Your father actually, you know,
knew you were a homosexual.
That's probably why.
That's why he started the meth addiction,
kept it a secret, just like you
kept your sexuality a secret.
And he also blew and gave head,
like you do
right at the very end
he gave head to the wall
that was behind him
Jesus Christ
oh too sad
oh
oh
what fucking show
do you think you came to
he's having fun he's smiling by the way you know these fucking people oh you think you came to? He's having fun.
He's smiling, by the way.
You know, these fucking people.
Oh, you went too hard on him.
You're having a good time right now, right?
I'm so happy to be here.
This is one of the best times of your life right now.
Fuck yeah.
Okay, straightest thing you've ever done.
Fuck three girls in one day.
Whoa, fuck three girls in one day.
That's separate?
In high school, yeah. Wow, fuck three girls in one day. That's separate? In high school, yeah.
Wow, look at that.
My goodness, your dad would have been proud
It's a real Liberace move if you ask me.
Yeah,
what a fag.
Okay.
Do you have any special skills or talents
other than stand-up comedy, which you don't
have that either, but go ahead.
I'm a picture framer.
You put the frames on pictures.
Oh, the crowd is turning on you.
They do not like picture frames.
Well, that's spoken.
All right.
Here's a little joke book, my friend.
Congratulations.
Our next bucket poll is from the inside.
I'm going to say now to give him some time.
Make some noise for Colin Herkler.
Horkler.
Horkler.
Colin with a K.
K-O-L-L-I-N.
Oh, here he is.
Right here.
Okay.
Easy breezy.
This is one of your people.
So they're representing you.
Tonight's audience. Colin
Herkler, Hokler or something. Here he is. Make some noise for Colin, everybody.
Hi there. I want to let you know I just ended my weight loss journey.
Turns out, I know I look like Osama bin LadenEaten, but turns out I'm gonna be ugly either way.
I'm skinny or fat, so may as well enjoy it.
A little bit about my family.
My little brother is a corrections officer, just got accepted into the police academy.
And we're having dinner the other night and he's telling
me about it and so proud of him he's doing it he's living his dream but in my other hand is the money
i'm using to buy the drugs he steals off inmates so
my uh sister is a alcoholic postal worker with access to firearms.
There's no punchline, it's our family's cry for help.
Her story's not over, but it guaranteed ended in tragedy.
That's all I got.
Okay.
Not bad.
Colin Hochler, pretty bad.
About a minute.
Pretty bad.
How long you been doing stand-up?
First time in about a year.
First time in about a year? How long were you doing it, that year have you been doing stand-up? First time in about a year. First time in about a year.
How long were you doing it that year that you stopped doing it?
Two years, two and a half.
Okay.
So you did about two and a half years of stand-up comedy, took a year off, and now you're back.
What made you realize you should quit?
Work picked up.
What was the work?
I test safety equipment for electrical companies okay you ever get shocked
a little bit yeah every once in a while all right what's the you almost ever die no no most
interesting thing about you i'm getting the feeling that i'm about to start moving really
fast through bucket pools we might go turbo mode here because turbo mode. Yeah. I think so.
It's not so much they're bad,
it's that they're
uninteresting on top of it.
Totally.
Totally.
And this is,
we've had this happen before
and sometimes I just
get in the mood
and I get frustrated
with everybody
kind of just,
oh, I don't do it.
Oh, I did it five times.
Oh, I only do it in my car.
Oh, I fucking,
you've been here tonight.
You've been on the
inside of this room.
What did you think of all the bucket pools tonight?
Yeah, they were pretty bad.
Yeah.
You think the other guy was good?
You think the other guy was good?
Oh, yeah.
For sure.
100%.
Complete homosexual.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Most interesting thing about your entire life?
I'm a licensed gunsmith and an ordained minister.
I do a lot of... Wow wow that's a good one-two
combo yeah welcome to texas this is where you live no i'm actually from st louis missouri
st louis missouri you're straight yeah you kind of have a little twang in your voice i'm from
st louis oh no you hear that mean, straightest thing about you.
I did have a
threesome with two actual human
females in Mexico.
Wow. Look at that.
Two human females. Good answer.
And a quick one, too.
Very quick answer. Not pondering
up here like fucking Dustin Horton.
Straight. What is straight?
Yeah. I'm from St. Louis, Missouri
and I had sex with a threesome
in Santa Anita's
Mexico.
She was so sweet.
You know you have gay asses.
I have gay asses.
You're a very straight man, but you have gay asses.
Okay. I have gay asses.
At least I'm learning about myself.
What's so gay about my asses?
I don't have gay asses.
What kind of disease is that?
You have a gay ass.
You got a gay ass if anything.
I came down with a case of gay asses.
Who are you here with from St. Louis?
My friends over there.
He's trying to make a strong ass now.
My friends. My friends over there. He's trying to make a strong ass now. My friends.
My friends.
You mean your friends?
There you go. All right.
Okay.
Well, Colin, congratulations.
That was an all right attempt
at a minute. I have run out of small
joke books.
And that is as good as you would possibly get.
Maybe perhaps Bones Eye has another one or something like that.
We're going to fly through it.
I have another one.
We got both of those people. We got both of those people ready to go back here.
Okay, we're going to fly through it.
You guys want to fucking go turbo round?
It's been a long time.
Okay, going up first, 60 seconds,
and then perhaps the fastest interview ever
for Dubs General, everybody.
60 seconds from Dubs General.
We're going to fly through it until somebody kills.
Here's Dubs General.
I like dark areolas.
I don't like clear nipples.
The reason I don't like clear nipples,
I can see your heartbeat, bitch.
Don't want to see your heartbeat
while I'm fucking, you understand?
Any Florida people in here
make some noise for Florida?
You said fuck Florida?
Fuck your mama.
All right, listen.
Florida, going to Georgia is a huge Confederate flag.
I don't lie to my children.
I'm in the car and my daughter says,
Daddy, what's that?
I said, they found a way to say nigga.
Without saying nigga.
My son, nine years old, goes, what does that mean?
I said, shh, listen.
Nigger.
White people, it's okay to laugh.
We'll move on.
There you go.
I'm going to stop you right there, Dubs.
You got caught up in a turbo round tonight.
You randomly got selected during a turbo round.
Most interesting thing about you before I let you go.
Most interesting thing about me is that I'm a single dad and I take care of my kids.
Boring.
Wow.
That's amazing. You know stereotypes are real when it's like that's a shocking thing.
I take care of my kids.
All right.
I figured that would be like that.
Well, we're going to fly through more buckets.
Are you anything for fucking Wyclef gone over here?
Oh, nice.
You're a Giants fan?
I am a Giants fan, unfortunately.
Nice.
Yeah, they're not that great this year.
I'm a Giant fan of good comedy, and we haven't seen any tonight.
It's one of those nights.
Yep.
How long have you been doing comedy?
Doing five years.
Okay.
Five years.
In Florida?
Not all in Florida, no.
Tampa.
Tampa.
Where I opened for you not two years ago.
What do you mean you opened for me?
So last time I was on the show, you said, do you want to open for me in tampa and i had you open for me absolutely where was that at
a comedy club yes sir just one show two shows okay two shows in one night how did that go
went well the first one went really well the second one not so much not so much and that's
all it takes yeah well it was 18 year olds it was a difference in well, it was 18 year olds. It was a difference in the crowd. No drinking. Remember this, Tony? 18 year olds?
Yeah, the second show was 18 and up.
The first show was 21 and up. I don't know how that works.
This is crazy. This was two years
ago? Yes. Man, I have
no memory whatsoever. When you were
in Tampa, you were like, this is the horrible room
because the ceilings were so high. It was like a theater.
Was it the improv?
Yes. It was the improv.
I remember that. Steve Simone was on those shows.
Am I correct?
Yes, sir.
I do remember that.
Yeah, you didn't do good.
I remember now.
And I did.
I did.
You had a good minute the first time you were on.
You said you were from Tampa.
I was going to Tampa.
I had you do it.
And ever since then, I've barely let...
You actually ruined that for a lot of people.
I've barely let anyone open for me from the show since then.
Yeah, you can't judge a person just off of a minute.
What's your name?
Doves General.
Doves General ruined it for everyone.
For the worst Tampa jokes in town,
call 1-800-DOVES-GENERAL now.
There he goes.
We're doing a turbo round. There goes Dubs General,
everybody. Next one's from the inside.
Sergio Guzman, you're next.
We're going to keep going until somebody
fucking kills. How does that sound?
Well, we might be here all night. Is that
okay? It might be the
longest episode ever. Is that alright?
Here we go.
He's from the inside. He's
one of you. Sergio Guzman.
What's going on?
That's me.
That's me.
That's not your name.
He is right.
I'm not him.
That's true.
Wait, what?
Did we go out of order?
I was backstage waiting.
We did pre-pull two names.
We did.
So you're Zach Butkovich?
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, we have to make sure that the person that comes out is the name that I call.
No, no.
They should fight for it.
Sergio, you're next.
Sergio, you're next.
This guy's acting like fucking Sergio Guzman.
He's a fucking fraud.
I pulled two names at once because we're going turbo round.
I pulled two names at once because we're going turbo round.
You don't look like no Sergio Guzman.
I know.
I agree. That is weird that you're going turbo. You don't look like no Sergio Guzman. I know. I agree.
That is weird that you didn't acknowledge that you weren't Sergio.
There's a guy in the room yelling, wait, that's me.
Hey, no, you ain't him.
That's me.
I like how that guy.
First of all, there's a lot of Sergio Guzmans.
I like how that guy had to wait until he saw who it was.
He's like, that's not me.
I'm me.
Wait a second.
No, I see. That's's like, that's not me. I'm me. Wait a second. No, I see.
That's not me.
That's not me.
Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted.
Sergio, you're next.
This is Zach Butkovich, everybody.
Zach Butkovich.
Sweet.
What's up?
I just went on a date with a girl recently,
and she asked me when the last time I got tested for STDs was.
I was like, are you serious? Never.
Yeah, I treat STDs like I treat poison ivy. If I ain't itching, I ain't fucking got it.
And either way, I should probably quit fucking in those bushes.
Yeah, I haven't been in like a relationship in a couple of years, and my buddy told me,
he was like, yeah, dude, that's because you're gay. He said, yeah, dude, you're single because
you're gay. And just to prove to him I wasn't gay, I sent him a video of me jerking off to a woman.
Yeah, I was like, who's fucking gay now, dude?
I'm fucking jerking off to a woman.
You're watching me jerk off.
What could be gayer than that?
All right, I think that's it.
That's good.
55 seconds.
That was good.
That was good, Zach.
Sergio!
Sergio!
Sergio!
Sergio! Okay, Sergio, Sergio.
Okay, Sergio's next.
Zach, that was good.
That was actually decent.
Thank you, thank you.
How long you been doing standup?
Three years in October.
Where at?
I started in St. Louis.
And where do you live now?
Here in Austin.
How long ago did you move here?
I moved here in April.
April, what do you do for a living? I work at Home Depot.
I stock and order their wood molding.
Just like a Sergio Guzman would.
I actually met Sergio at Home Depot.
That's crazy. Yeah.
There's a few of them there.
Okay, so you're working at Home Depot.
That's fun. Tell us more
about your life. Tell us how
do you end up like this?
Well, I'm diabetic. wow yeah you're diabetic yes
i am diabetic of all the people that have been on this stage yeah i'm the diabetic guy i wasn't
heavyweight champion or whatever fuck there is no god yeah it makes zero sense You're diabetic. All the obese people are not diabetic.
Red Band, not diabetic.
As he sips a Coke.
Yeah, how's that soda taste, Red Band?
He loves it.
He loves it.
He's doing great.
So how long have you been diabetic for?
How did you end up like that?
I got diabetes.
It's been 12 years now.
I got it when I was 15 and a half.
You're the kid kind. Yeah, I got the kid kind and now I'm an adult with it. So still have it.
Wow. Wow. Incredible. So you can't, how often do you have to check your blood?
I check my blood sugar probably like five, six times a day. Wow. That is amazing.
That is unbelievable.
And what's the worst thing that happens to you?
What happens?
What happens if you ate a slice of bread
and had to chug the can of Coke?
I would have to take my syringe
and my vial of insulin out
and take a shot for it.
Do it.
Do it right now.
It's in the bin backstage.
I should have kept it in my pocket.
No, we don't need a syringe right now.
Let's try it without.
Let's try it.
Just do the shot.
Can we take the syringe,
inject it into Ari's left nut,
and pull on it and see what comes out?
I could, yeah.
Ari, would you be willing to do that?
Oh, absolutely.
Someone get my syringe.
Someone get my syringe.
Oh, man.
You're insulin.
I'm in buying.
All right, that's stupid.
Anyway. Oh, man. You're insulin. I'm in buying. All right, that's stupid. Anyway.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
So, other than being diabetic, what else about you, Zach Butkovich?
You were bullied in high school?
No, I was, like, kind of good at sports.
Oh, cool.
I might not have been good at sports.
I was on the team, so everyone kind of liked me.
Uh-huh.
So, yeah, I didn't get bullied.
I don't know.
I tried to tell you guys I was on here last time, and Howie Mandel was up here.
I tried to say I got voted onto my high school school board when I was like 20 years old.
Uh-huh.
Fresh out of high school.
You guys hate that.
That's terrible.
But you brought it up again.
And I brought it up again.
Wow.
You thought Mandel was the problem with that story.
Yeah.
Now I'm figuring out it wasn't.
It might have been me.
I say try it a third time next time you're up here.
Yeah.
They'll remember now.
They'll remember now.
I say try it a third time.
No, I'm not going to do it.
It's the Mandela effect.
Okay, Zach.
Anything else interesting about you before I let you go?
You are in turbo round right now.
I'm in the turbo round.
I'm diabetic.
Okay, there he goes.
Zach Butkovich, everybody.
You get a medium joke book.
Congratulations, Zach Butkovich. Ladies and gentlemen, representing the inside,
it's the man you've been waiting for for minutes.
Ladies and gentlemen, representing the inside, it's the man you've been waiting for for minutes. I present to you the undoubtable Kill Tony debut of Sergio Guzman.
Oh shit.
I originally came out here with my balls out, but they're not as impressive as Ari's, so
I decided to put them back away.
Any Joe Biden fans in the house?
Thank God.
I see one guy with his hands up.
That's a pedophile.
Let me see here. Let me pull up my
Kill Tony joke book. Let me use it
for what it's used for.
All right. Kids these days
have it tough, man. It's such a confusing
time to be a kid. Think about it. Your mom might be walking around with a huge cock. Your dad might be walking around with a nice set of tits. And your middle school libraries are trying to teach you how to suck and fuck both. All right. That was not the one. All right.
All right.
Illegal immigration has gotten completely out of control.
Something needs to be done.
We need to start sending people back.
My beautiful wife, sitting somewhere over there,
she's pregnant with our firstborn.
She came here illegally.
Send her back.
We'll end it there.
That might be the best I got.
I think it probably was the best you got let me ask you something
did you buy that large joke book?
I didn't so last I was on about a year ago
I bombed and then my wife
came up and I was roasted for about
15 minutes about being gay
and then she earned us both a joke book
because you called her up she roasted me
did amazing
so she got the joke book
we both got one because you were generous but she earned roasted me. Did amazing. So she got the joke. She got the joke. No, we both got
one because you were generous. Right. But she
earned it. I was just a lucky bystander.
Is she here tonight? She is absolutely here tonight. Really?
She's right over there.
We haven't had a female comedian up tonight.
Did she write a minute? She has a minute.
She prepared a minute? She signed up.
Hold on a second. Hold on. What's her name?
Patricia Guzman. Ladies and
gentlemen, no doubt about it.
I've been digging for a female comedian.
We went through 50 names.
It's all dudes.
I present to you the return, supposedly.
She's pregnant?
I have no memory whatsoever.
She's about to bomb for two.
Now she's pregnant, yes.
Oh, yeah.
You guys are Latino.
Here we go.
A new minute from Patricia Guzman, everybody.
That solves a lot of problems right there.
Oh my God.
Make some noise for Patricia, everybody.
Thank you, I guess, for letting me up here.
Last time I was on this show,
I made a bunch of jokes about my husband being gay.
Jokes on me.
Here I am a year later, knocked up
with his gay baby.
What a life.
I love my gay bee.
Not this page.
Okay.
Immigrants these days have it way
easier than I did
when coming to the U.S. Nowadays,
they're handed a cell phone, a thousand bucks, and told to fuck off. Back in my day,
they threw my four-year-old ass in jail. Before jail, I had never seen a black woman before, so
being a four-year-old, I thought they were made out of chocolate.
Being a four-year-old, I thought they were made out of chocolate.
My face would light up in the shower, and I would scream at my mom, Mom, it's chocolate women.
Long story short, my mom would be terrified every time we would hit the showers
because I wanted to lick them.
That's it.
Okay, Patricia.
Adorable
An honest minute
I like that
Again
Funnier than your man
Wow
So much funnier
How does it feel being
The funny person
In your relationship
Oh my god
I'm so nervous being up here
How does it feel
Being a masculine homosexual
I feel horrible I'm sorry How does it feel to be a masculine or homosexual? I thought it feels horrible.
I'm sorry.
My goodness.
How long have you been with Sergio?
12 years this year.
12 years.
What's the gayest thing about Sergio?
You know him very well.
I don't know.
He doesn't like playing video games with me,
so I make fun of him for that.
Okay. All right. He doesn't like playing video games with me, so I make fun of him for that. It's raining, baby!
Okay. Alright, he doesn't like playing video games with you. What else
is gay about Sergio, Patricia?
Come on, give us something good here.
He likes to be a little spoon.
Oh!
Sergio!
I like being the big spoon, I don't mind.
Alright. Absolutely.
Absolutely.
That's a really good't mind. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely.
That's a really good gay thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Good detail.
You like being the little spoon, too?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I have a little Asian girl on your back,
like you're like Star Wars, you know,
like with the Ewok and shit.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it's great.
Totally.
Totally.
How long until the baby comes out, Patricia?
I'm due July 1st.
Okay, July 1st.
And you're sure that it's Sergio's?
Or could it be Zach Butkovich that got in there first?
I hope not.
Hey, that's not my baby!
Hey!
Hey!
Get that baby out of here!
Get that baby out of here Get that baby out of here
It's on mine
I'm Sergio Guzman
My goodness
So
What do you guys do for work?
How are you going to support this little fucking immigrant?
I'm a personal trainer
You're what?
I'm a personal trainer
Oh shit
Okay
What does he do?
He's an account manager.
Oh, an account manager.
Where at?
Enterprise Rent-A-Car?
I didn't know Mexicans could be account managers.
I didn't know fat chicks could be personal trainers.
Yeah, it's true.
I'd rather not say.
Some of my co-workers are friends of the show, so I've already considered myself fired.
Okay.
Very good, Sergio. Very good. I know a guy that works at Home Depot that can help you out. co-workers are friends of the show so i've already considered myself fired okay very good
sergio very good i know a guy that works at home depot that can help you out
uh amazing stuff uh do you have any special moves in the bedroom how did you get her so pregnant
um you know the real trick is you bend them over from the front side you start eating their ass
first right and then you work your way down. Front side. So missionary position,
feet over the head.
Yes.
And then you eat her ass.
And then you work your way up.
The old Latina salad,
if you will.
The old fucking papaya salad.
Exactly.
Last time you were on,
you said we owned
a Mexican food truck.
You owned a Mexican food truck?
Last time we were on,
you called us two Mexicans
that own a food truck.
So that was accurate.
That was accurate.
Okay.
Do you ever do it straight doggy style?
I mean, obviously, that's standard.
That's the best you can say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, is this your first kid?
Yes.
What are you going to name it?
Oh, yeah.
Olarion.
Olarion?
Shut the fuck up.
Olarion?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
My best friend picked the name.
O'Leary on.
Your best friend picked the name?
Your best friend is fucking with you.
O'Leary on.
That's like a prescription medicine or something like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Red Band, very good.
Red Band bookending the episode with two great jokes.
The two biggest applause breaks of the night going to Red Band.
For those of you that had that on your bingo cards, you win $2.5 billion.
If you bet $1, you win $2.5 billion on Red Band getting the two biggest applause breaks of the episode.
Absolutely unprecedented.
Incredible.
This is a new era of the show.
It's unbelievable.
Hilarious.
What does that mean?
Why would you just said, okay, best friend?
I'm fucking retarded.
Whatever you say, best friend.
This is best friend, the financier of this baby or something. It's been, best friend. Is his best friend the financier of this baby or something?
It's been his best friend.
It's been my husband's best friend for like ever, so.
And he said O'Learyon?
O'Learyon.
Yeah, it's a black guy's name.
It's a strong name.
Hey, O'Learyon the lion.
Bacon sort.
Hey, O'Learyon.
He's going to grow up to one day be in a sex tape with a Kardashian.
Yeah. Oh, my God. What's going to grow up to one day being a sex tape with their Kardashian. Yeah.
Oh, my God.
What's the middle name going to be?
Rafael.
Rafael.
Olerion Rafael.
Guzman.
Wow, Guzman.
Oh, my God.
Unbelievable.
Enough of these fucking Mexican babies.
Am I right?
I'm kidding.
Shut up.
O-L-R-E-R-N.
My goodness gracious.
So July 1st, that thing's coming, huh?
Sergio, are you just blasting away inside of her until then?
Does it just look like a fucking horchata machine down there?
What's going on?
What are you doing? What's going on? What are you doing?
What's going on? It's just fucking...
That's exactly right. We're on
vacation tonight, so she's getting some
horchata, if you know what I mean. Oh, shit.
Hell yeah. Are you horny now that
you're pregnant? Wow. Oh,
fuck. Even when you look at his
face? I mean...
Ari primed her with a hell of a set of balls
so he did half the work for me.
Oh my goodness. That's
incredible. How much hornier are you?
Is there new things that you're into
or you find yourself
doing?
I don't think so.
New things that I'm into...
I don't know. I like getting things that I'm into.
I don't know.
I like getting lotion rubbed on my belly.
Oh, he's been rubbing lotion on you?
Oh my goodness gracious.
Look at Sergio over here.
Managing accounts
and lotioning up fucking bodies.
Wow. Incredible.
So you ever save a little lotion for yourself, Sergio?
Only when she's asleep. Only when she's asleep.
Wow. Okay. And then you
think about dudes.
Hell yeah. Okay.
My goodness.
What else can we do to put a ribbon on this? How about we change else can we do
To put a ribbon on this
How about we change
Can we change the baby's name
To Tony live on the air
Can we just do that
Yeah
O'Larion sucks
O'Larion sucks
You're dooming that kid
You're doing
First of all
He'll definitely go by Raphael
That's a beautiful
Black man's name
Yeah but it's not
Black John
We love that you're standing...
But it's the name of a beautiful black man.
We got Black Panther John Dees up here.
Oh, I think it's a beautiful name.
Hey!
It's a beautiful name.
Oh, shit.
Tony's a way better name.
Yeah.
Anthony Javier
Olerion Guzman.
How about that?
It's absolutely beautiful.
Will you change it to Anthony?
We could work on it.
Working on it doesn't work.
You're blacklisted if you don't do it.
You're brownlisted if you don't do it.
Wow.
I'm throwing it around now.
Okay, John.
That's really not gonna work.
It's not gonna be a full-time thing here.
Antonio.
I like that, I like that.
I mean, why not give it a name, Tony?
I like Antonio.
Antonio Guzman.
Rafael Guzman.
Antonio Rafael Guzman. I Guzman. Antonio Rafael Guzman.
I like that.
I like that.
Let's make it official.
Let's make it official.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Let's make it official.
Yeah, here we go.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Baby's first tea bagging.
Sergio doesn't know what to do.
He's hard as a rock right now.
I dub thee Antonio.
I love it.
Congratulations.
I think that guarantees I'll have a gay bee.
I love it.
Baby's first teabagging only here on Kilt Tony.
How about one more hand for Patricia and Sergio Guzman, everybody?
We did it.
You made it through the turbo round.
This one was a no-go, right?
We're done, right?
Guys, there's only one way to fucking end an episode like this.
There's no doubt about it.
Finally, we've made it to the end.
We're going to call Sergio and Patricia a kill so that we can put a ribbon on this fucking thing.
Did you guys have fun tonight?
Well, you're a great crowd,
and for that, you shall be rewarded.
I present to you the all-time record holder for minutes, for interviews,
for everything that's ever been done before.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the St. Louis Assassin,
the Tijuana Tornado, the Mississippi Mauler,
the Gentrified Jeweler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.
This is indeed the one and only William Montgomery. Hello, my name is actually Sergio Guzman,
and I don't know who that bitch was,
but I'm not gay. Okay, so.
A lady who cut off her bosoms to become
a man just found out she's five months
pregnant. It's kind of hard to follow,
but I think that means he's gay.
Kentucky is about to legalize killing homeless people,
which is kind of shocking
because I thought it was already legal there.
I know I've killed six homeless people in Kentucky, so...
How could I be racist
when my favorite Power Ranger is black?
Kentucky is thinking about legalizing sex between first cousins.
They are also thinking about legalizing breathing.
Okay, because I already have sex with first cousins.
Okay, that's my time.
Thank you. Okay, so,
William Lights Out Montgomery.
The gentrified jeweler.
The petty princess.
The petty princess.
I think I would like that.
A lot of New Kentucky law jokes tonight.
Where is this coming from?
Well, it's from,
I actually got horribly food poisoned, Tony,
on Saturday night.
My father told me not to say the name of the place or they will sue me,
but I know 100% without a doubt it's from these pieces of shit.
I'm going to say the name wrong, but it sounds something like Meatball Marinara,
and it's not far from here.
It sounds like Meatball Marinara.
Tony, I wake up on Sunday to a bunch of diarrhea in my boxers.
Erica starts freaking out. I start going to the bathroom.
I get, take my boxers off to smell the diarrhea because it smells extra nasty. And I just,
I wanted to smell it. And then it starts dropping out of my boxers all onto the floor.
I get in the shower. I almost black out because I have no energy. I end up vomiting several times
in the trash can. Tony was horrible. And basically i found out those people who run the place are
from kentucky so this is a wow what did you order from meatball marinara that made you
i had the meatballs in marinara honestly that is what i had and you would think if it's the
namesake it would be safe to eat but i had the meatballs at Marinara and I also had
the cheesy bread.
And Tony,
I'll be the first to tell you,
the food was amazing.
It made me so sad
the next day
when I find out
it's from Meatball Marinara.
It was really delicious food.
Damn it.
That is incredible.
I have a never-ending love
for meatballs.
And this is very, very scary.
Did they look anything like these meatballs right here?
Can I see them?
Oh, they're out right there.
Gosh, Ari, how are your balls so big?
Are your balls big or are my balls small?
I'm just trying to...
Because my balls look nothing like your balls.
Are his big? Tony, do you think they nothing like your balls. Are his big, Tony?
They are.
Not only are they big, and I mean, I have big balls as well, not to brag,
but my balls are not full like that.
They are normal, older-looking, more deflated balls.
These look like the balls of what appear to be like a
superhuman
17-year-old boy or something
like that. Wet sock
and a bunch of Skittles. That's what they look like.
It is absolutely incredible.
A lot of blurring on this
episode on YouTube.
Sorry to those of you that are watching at home
that don't get to actually enjoy the voluptuous nuggets.
These are the true Bucky's beaver nuts here.
These things are incredible.
It's amazing how big your balls can be
when you keep all of the coins you've ever gathered off the floor in your life inside of them.
They point to arrows.
They're so big and crazy that every time you reveal them,
it's like a new set of balls.
They're unbelievable.
It looks like the heavyweight champion's stomach.
It does.
Those things fucking hang.
I mean, oh my God.
What'd you do?
They're getting bigger by the second.
Oh my God.
Absolutely unbelievable.
I swear, I threw up for the first time in years yesterday.
It was horrible, and I don't want to do...
You want a little marinara
on top of those, William?
What is this place?
I want to eat there.
I want to eat at this place.
It's really close by.
What's it called?
I'm going to call it
Meatball Marinara
because my father says
they might sue me
but they're not going to
fucking sue you.
Your dad's being a weirdo.
It sounds similar.
First of all,
that was the wettest whisper
I've ever had in my life. That was... Even for all, that was the wettest whisper I've ever had in my life.
That was...
Even for me, that was disgusting.
The old William Wet Whispers.
www.www.com
www.wetwhispers.com
William Wet Whispers.
William Wet Whispers.com
Wet Whispers William.
How can they sue you for giving you diarrhea?
Yeah, exactly.
Your dad's incorrect about this.
Your dad's a fucking idiot, dude!
Don't bring my dad into this, okay?
He has fucking arthritis in his foot.
We thought we were really worried about him last week.
Ari, please, don't bring up Larry right now.
He's been nothing but sweet to you.
He's said nothing but sweet things to your fucking ass. Why are you doing this? And I swear to God, I don't really up Larry right now. He's been nothing but sweet to you. He said nothing but sweet things to your fucking ass.
Why are you doing this?
And I swear to God, I don't really feel good right now.
It's a damn good thing I felt better than yesterday
because already I thought it was the end of my fucking life
when I was in the shower.
And I didn't tell my girlfriend this,
but oh my gosh, I shouldn't say this right now.
I was having such a hard time
moving around,
I swear I was about to black out
that I diarrhea'd in the shower.
Wow.
Because I could feel it
happening again.
I shouldn't have even
brought that up.
I'm going to have
hell to pay for that.
Hey, maybe this is wrong.
Maybe this is a Jew in me,
but I just thought
of a great money-making scheme
for him for the road.
I need to find one.
What?
You need to sell diarrhea.
Yeah. Oh yeah, great idea. People are going to buy
diarrhea. Holy
shit!
Stick with the jokes, Ori!
Oh my god.
Yeah, let me
diarrhea in fucking
containers and sell them to people. I'm not even
going to be able to get that shit on the airplane,
dude.
As long as it's less than two ounces,
you technically can get it on the airplane.
You got to do it there.
You don't diarrhea here and take it with you.
Why would you diarrhea ahead of time?
I don't know.
Have you thought about partnering up with Meatball Marinara,
perhaps a little sponsorship in order for them to make up for the trauma?
It could be.
I just eat that food that tasted pretty good but obviously is poisonous,
and yeah, just say, hey, I'm going out on the road this coming weekend.
Let me eat your fucking nasty bullshit.
What's the actual name of the place?
We'll beep it out.
The live audience deserves to know.
Yeah, now you're messing with me.
No, you'll be shocked.
It's really similar to Meatball Marinara.
It's so...
Just say it.
Say it?
Say it, you fucking weirdo.
You have the free speech.
Really?
Yeah. Oh? Yeah.
Yeah.
Jesus.
Yeah.
You read that out.
That was bullshit.
People work hard, small family owned business.
Just because you have a terrible constitution, you got to fucking ruin a mom and pop.
Yeah, they got me sick as shit.
So. Wow. Incredible. My birthday. Yeah. fucking ruin a mom and pop yeah they got me sick as shit so wow incredible birthday yeah it's fucking started my birthday i did two sets up here in the little room on thursday night i get back to
my fucking car and have a boot on it so welcome to william's 37th birthday it was such a fucking
yeah tell me about it it was a fucking sob story the whole fucking weekend it starts a 130 boot on the
fucking car i forget my jacket i'm freezing gold outside by the fucking car so you're the one that
wanted to spend your birthday in austin you didn't want to go to seattle portland and vancouver with
me you wanted to fucking take it off oh i want to chill tony oh yeah i wanted to chill and then i
get sick as shit tony yeah that's what happens when you fucking don't work with me.
Do you agree, Red Band?
No.
Improv guru,
Ryan Red Band,
hard at work here,
an unbelievable comedy technician.
You said no to going on the road with Tony?
Yeah, it took a weekend off.
I chill, yes, I chilled this week.
He's like, I want to spend it with my girlfriend.
I don't want to be on the road.
Okay, you stupid bitch.
There's one stupid bitch that was saying something about poor baby.
What do you even look like, you nasty bitch?
I just want to see what some stupid dumbass looks like who's making that fucking noise.
Oh, yeah, exactly what I thought.
God, look at your nasty fucking ass, bitch.
Oh, shit. He what I thought. God, look at your nasty fucking ass, bitch. Oh, shit.
He's being ruthless right now.
What does she look like?
Go back to the hen house!
Oh, don't kick her out now.
It's over.
You don't have to kick her out.
Oh, yeah, no, it's fine.
She's a stupid bitch.
Kick her out.
Oh, he says kick her out.
Kick her out.
Get her out of here. Kick her out. Get her out of here.
There she goes.
The crowd goes wild.
It's my fucking birthday, bitch!
I'm only 37 once off!
I'm gonna be 38 next year!
And maybe 39 after that.
But I'm probably not
making it to the finals.
Oh,
what happened?
I don't know. Michael was supposed to do the thing that he always
does, but he's like waiting for something.
What just went on there, Michael?
What happened?
You guys talking in your in-ears or something?
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Those fucking in-ears.
Yeah, I mean, that was about to be the big send-off for me tonight.
Yeah, it really, it literally was.
We were about to put a ribbon on the episode.
You guys are over here producing a new song.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I got a sweet little dog yesterday.
Yesterday.
It's been a long time folks.
I got a sweet little dog.
She's here tonight.
Oh shit.
And doing well.
She's here y'all.
Come on.
Yes, sir.
Hooty-hoo.
Hooty-hoo.
Make some noise for William Montgomery, everybody.
There we go.
We did it again.
We love him.
Follow him.
Do it again.
A badass drawing from Ryan J. Ebel of the great Ari Shafir is popping on your screen right now.
The balls are going away.
Make some noise for Ari.
Ari, anything you want to plug or promote?
Man, it's just an honor to be part of this amazing show with so many fucking retards living on the outside.
Absolutely.
Every time I've done it, from the belly room to to the main room, to the Vulcan, to here,
to another place that kicked you out, to the fucking Madison Square Garden.
What a journey it's been.
And it's because of legit fucking comedians like you playing along all the way.
We love them.
Ari Shafir, everybody.
Come on.
Joe Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, all over.
CM Smokehouse.
On the road now.
Connect Mobile Health.
Let's see the drawing
from Chris Rogers.
Ooh, a Joker version
of the great Cam Patterson.
I love that.
How about one more time
for the best damn band
in the land,
Michael Gonzalez
on the drums,
D Madness on the bass,
John Dees on the keys,
and Matt Muehling.
Epsilon out now,
020, johndees.bandling. Epsilon out now. 020.
JohnDs.Bandcamp.com.
Red Band.
If you guys haven't seen Ari Shafir's special, The Jew on YouTube, please check it out.
I love it.
Check out Jew.
Thank you.
I love you guys.
If you haven't.
Truly one of the best comedians in the world.
Ari Shafir.
One more time for Ari.
We love you guys.
Thank you.
Good night, everybody.
Good night. I got big balls, I got big balls I got big balls, I got big balls
I got big balls, I got big balls
I got big balls, I got big balls
I got big balls, you got big balls
He's got big balls, she's got big balls, you got big balls, he's got big balls, she's got big balls, he's got the biggest balls, oh baby, he's got Big Balls, I've got Big Balls, she's got Big Balls, I've got Big Balls, she's got Big Balls, we've got the biggest moment of them all.
I've got Big Balls, she's got Big Balls. guitar solo Biggis Balls The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.
Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Bye. you