KILL TONY - #656 - MARK NORMAND + DAN SODER
Episode Date: March 26, 2024Mark Normand, Dan Soder, William Montgomery, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcl...iffe, Brian Redban – 03/04/2024 Head to https://www.squarespace.com/killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code KILLTONY Go to https://shopify.com/killtony now to grow your business–no matter what stage you’re in. Get a free Mystery Gift with your first monthly shipment when you sign up at https://boxofawesome.com and enter the code killtony at checkout. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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What day of the week do you look forward to most?
Well, it should be Wednesday.
Ahem, Wednesday.
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Whopper Wednesday, of course.
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And now here's a brand new episode of Killtona. Hey, this is Redback coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas
for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?
Yippee!
Thanks so much for Red Band, everybody!
Yeah, you did it!
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You're at the number one live podcast in the world right
now. How we feeling tonight? Yeah, baby. This is indeed Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace,
Shopify, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, and Gel Blaster. How about one more time for the best stand
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Of course on the drums, the great and powerful
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We are here with the band leader, the legend,
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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
Well, well, well.
You know, thank God.
I might be one of the best fucking comedy bookers on planet Earth
because when I smell talent, I attack.
It's always been that way.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to present to you two of the best goddamn comedians on planet Earth
and two of our favorite guests in the history of the show.
Two of my funniest friends, make some noise
for Dan Soder and Mark Norman.
Let's fucking go.
High ranking elite guests of the show.
Two of our favorites.
Two of the funniest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest.
New York's finest. New York's finest. New York's finest. New of the funniest, New York's finest,
New York's finest, not just at comedy, but at life. On 9-11, they were
saving people, pulling them from the buildings. Oh, how about a hand for
the lovely Heidi, everybody? I mean, holy shit. Right when this sausage fest got a little too sausagey,
here she is to add a little feminine energy,
some good, some good mojo.
How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?
Follow her at GinaAAA.HG.
It's the worst Instagram handle of all time.
It's completely hot, worst marketing of all time
for a hot chick, literally.
Gina is not even her name.
Her name is Heidi and her Instagram is Gina
with three A's dot HG.
Yeah, it makes no sense.
I've been calling her Gina all night.
It's also weird that her Instagram handles like a tough Wi-Fi password.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it really is. It's absolutely ridiculous.
Anyway, we're happy to have you guys. Welcome.
We have one more special treat, ladies and gentlemen.
One of the greatest band members in the history of the show is here.
Joining us, ladies and gentlemen, you know where you love her.
This is the great Jetski Johnson, everybody. Oh, shit.
Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.
Only the old school fans know about that shit.
Jetski's hilarious.
And she also plays the horn, but she has a live mic
and is absolutely phenomenally, phenomenally hilarious.
And when she is, and when she says something funny,
afterwards everybody goes vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, she is, when she says something funny afterwards,
everybody goes vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.
You guys get it?
Yeah, it was.
Do it.
Vroom.
You have to do louder than that.
Try again.
Vroom.
Okay, there you go.
You guys get it.
Nice look.
I like that.
Hell yeah.
It's fun.
You'll see when it happens in action.
She's a fucking little sniper.
Hi, Jetski.
Hey.
I'm no Heidi. I'm all personalities.
And it has begun.
There you go motherfuckers, absolutely.
Other than that you guys know how it works.
Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity
to perhaps get 60 seconds on this stage.
We'll let this little hanger fucking go up first.
And while we wrangle the first comedian, and as you know they get 60 seconds,
you know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up and then they'll say,
bring out the angry best Hollywood bear.
And then we interview them, we talk to them about anything that could be happening in their lives
or what makes them interesting or what might be funnier for them to talk about.
The whole thing's improvised, anything can happen.
Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
Yeah!
While we grab the lucky human that will be going first out of our bucket pulls,
we have a regular on this show.
He has been starting every episode for the last few weeks.
He's an absolute fucking sensation, a local icon, a comics comic,
and also a fans comic, an absolute freak of nature,
a bundle of energy, a power source.
He literally is like a solar panel.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
the great and powerful 60 Seconds Uninterrupted
from KC Rocket. ["The World Is A Vampire"]
The world is a vampire. Hell yeah, there we go, very cool, hell yeah.
Maybach music, all right, very cool.
Get lost, God.
I'm riffing for two tonight, boys.
I'm pregnant, okay, cool.
Get lost, God.
Nights like this, I wish I was still covered in mud
hiding from the predator, you know what I mean?
Hoping he'd get close so I could steal a kiss, all right.
And, I gotta get outta here.
I got a date tonight, fellas.
Yeah, her name, Hot Singles. Her location, in my area.
Uh...
The sex, casual and anonymous.
No strings attached.
Is she HIV positive?
Oh, no.
Is she gonna try to steal my wallet later?
Oh, yeah.
Is it a decoy wallet?
Oh, Oh yeah. Is it a decoy wallet?
Oh hell yeah.
I'll take it.
I'll end it on that.
Thank you.
Oh my God.
And that is the launch of my Casey Rocket.
Thank you.
An absolute force of fucking nature.
And meanwhile, you've done it again.
Thank you, boys.
Happy to be here.
Hello.
He's also running for mayor.
The pleasure's all mine, Tony.
Happy to be here in the 21st district of Austin today.
Absolutely.
Zero laughs, okay.
Sorry about that. It was going good.
It was going good before.
Oh shit.
In the moment, wild, the great Jack the Riffer, some people call him.
You have a lot of these nicknames, right?
Cal Rifkin Jr., yeah.
Riffy Longstockings, The Boy Who Riffed.
Oh, oh, oh.
The Hack Brown Band?
I didn't know, that's not one of them actually.
Ken Riffy Jr., perhaps?
Ken Riffy Jr., yep.
Who?
Riff Raff?
Riff Raff, yeah.
Choosy Moms Choose Riff?
Yes!
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah, Riffs, it's what's for dinner, yeah.
Riff-erent strokes for riff-erent folks. Riff-erent, it's what's for dinner. Yeah.
Riffrent strokes for riffrent folks.
Riffrent, that's right.
Stuff like that.
What are you talking about, Tony?
Red band got excited on that one.
I love it.
So what's been going on, KC Rocket?
Everything good?
Been good.
Yeah, I was in Chicago Thursday, Wisconsin Friday, rally yesterday,
been going around, it's been going good,
so been doing that, Philly tomorrow, big laughs.
Wow, you're just flying around.
Flying around, ripping around the world.
You said rally yesterday, what kind of rally was it?
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
Was there a tiki torch?
Ha ha ha.
He really does look like he sets up the rallies.
Yeah.
You look like the first half of the show, Intervention.
Yeah.
It's not true.
It's not true.
Now the interesting thing about Casey is that, and I don't want to like blow your cover or get too personal, but you sober right? Yeah I'm sober I've been sober for years yeah. Maybach music thank you.
Damn dude that must have been a wild ride when you were here. Yeah tell us some stories. Yeah there's some
residual stuff going on for sure upstairs. Yeah AIDS? Yeah you don't get sober from that that's permanent.
It does appear as though you did do enough drugs to just last. Ride the wave.
Casey can I ask you a personal question? Absolutely. Was it huffing? Yeah we used
to huff ether. Yeah. Nice. Ether, air duster. Whippets?
Whippets. Yeah. Yeah. Good tie. You need any?
You got whippets? No, no. We can get them.
Yeah, I used to huff. Yeah, Hilary Duff huff. Yeah, I used to huff.
Yeah. That's all about it.
Yeah, there's a demographic for huffing.
Are you a religious guy? Mm-mm.
Where do you get your energy?
Whew.
Wait, do you think that's what religious people are like?
Yeah.
Do you think they just get their energy from God?
Yeah.
He does.
He's got the Lord in him.
Not if it's from God.
He really does.
He does.
Do you crap to some Pentecostal shit,
and you get fucking nuts?
You got born-again Christian vibes.
Oh. It is true. You ever go to church, born again, Christian vibes. Oh.
It is true.
You ever go to church, Casey?
Mm-mm.
No.
Really?
No, not me.
What happens if you step inside of a church?
Turn to stone, I guess.
Yeah.
He really would look like he could crawl
in the ceilings without notice.
You're like, oh my god.
He's here.
That's going to haunt me later.
Just take a straw, put it right in the holy water,
let him know you're there.
I love it, Casey.
Atheist.
Atheist.
I think you said casiest.
I was like, yeah, I get it.
Sorry.
I'm a casiest.
Well, I think you have a new name for your fans.
Casey-ist?
Yeah.
There you go.
Yeah, Casey enthusiast.
We were in Chicago on Thursday, and a big Casey Rocket crowd.
And this guy, I guess, ate too many edibles,
and he passed out in the second row.
He like fell on his face and had to do a fucking riff
resurrection, had to bring him back.
The second riffing. I had to bring it back. Riff. Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Casey, you're an absolute fucking machine. No better way I can imagine in the world to get an episode of this show started with your
energy, with your jokes, your fucking bing, bing, boom, boom.
You truly are the riff master.
Hell yeah.
So fun.
Thank you.
Make some fucking noise for Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen.
That is how you do it.
The regulars of Kill Tony are freaks of nature.
Now we go to the bucket.
Now this is where we found all of the regulars.
This is where anything can happen.
Maybe it's the best set we've ever seen in the history of the show.
Maybe it's the worst.
Maybe they're a genius.
Maybe they're insane.
Maybe they're a 20 year veteran.
Maybe it's their first time.
Your first bucket pull of the night, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name
of Raul Sanchez.
And here we go.
And here we go.
Thank you.
I like drinking, man.
Makes me a pleasant human being.
Sometimes I get a little too fucked up, though.
One time I got so drunk, I caught myself speeding
on the highway, because I confused the number
of the highway with the speed limit sign.
I was like, 97, fuck.
That was pretty specific, no?
Then I thought, I better go 92 just to be safe.
You know how the cops are around here, man. You guys never got that fucked up?
Dude, one time I was at a bar, I got hammered, right?
I start talking to this chick, and we hit it off, right?
So I decided to buy one of those condoms
from the machines in the bathroom.
Yeah, and then later that night, we were about to get it on.
I opened it up, and it was too Advil. I was so drunk, I was like, man, technology's come a long way.
Oh my goodness gracious.
Raul Sanchez has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. With an unbelievable minute. Thank you, that's my try. Oh my goodness. Raul Sanchez has arrived, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
With an unbelievable minute.
Thank you, that's my try.
Oh my goodness.
Now, Raul, I know you.
You're a fucking great comedian from Dallas, am I correct?
San Antonio.
San Antonio, that's right.
You were on this show there, correct?
No.
No?
No, this is my first time.
But I know you from, how did you end up opening for me then?
I opened for you in Cap City when I used to live here.
That's right.
And you were coming down here.
That's right.
Yeah.
And I had you do it a few times after that, right?
Yeah, a couple of times.
I think two or three times I featured for you.
Because you're fucking hilarious.
I appreciate it.
Well, look at you.
I love it.
Very funny.
Now you're in the mix here.
That was great.
Yeah, man.
Yeah, Mike Norman.
That was killer.
You're really good. And in true Mexican fashion, Mike Norman. You're a... That was killer.
You're really good.
And in true Mexican fashion, you're going to take our jobs.
Yeah.
It is true.
Dan.
What I love about Raul is he feels like you're just hanging out with a dude you work with
that you get drunk with, and you're like, dude, Raul's fucking hilarious.
You hear him talk about highways?
It's fucking nuts. It's all the landscaping guys getting together. Yeah. Yeah. You hear him talking about highways? It's fucking nuts.
Yeah.
It's all the landscaping guys getting together.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think they call him gay for being too funny.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
So Raoul, you're a freak of nature.
How long have you been on stand up?
13 years.
13 motherfucking years.
All right.
I love that.
I love that people that have been doing it that long
sign up for the show.
You come here, you fucking flex,
you showcase your goddamn skills and now look at you.
You're right here, absolutely thriving in the mix.
How do you make a living just from standup?
Standup and I also get a disability from the VA.
Oh, wow.
You're a veteran.
Yeah, yeah.
I did four years in the Army.
Mexican Army?
The Alamo.
Airborne infantry.
Sorry.
You were in the Air Force?
Oh, no, Airborne infantry.
It's a jump out of plane.
OK.
Oh, boy, the migrants are getting good. You were in the Air Force? Oh no, Airborne Infantry. It's just jump out of planes. Okay.
Oh boy, the migrants are getting good.
Yeah.
Fuck.
They're air dropping them.
Yep.
That's a way to get over the fence.
Incredible.
So what were you doing?
You were jumping out of planes?
Yeah.
And then, well, not in country.
Once we were in like Iraq and Afghanistan,
there was a lot of like just busting people's doors open
in the middle of the night.
Whoa.
Okay.
Killing the kids?
I love that.
No, these are like fully grown men.
All right.
Busting.
Hell yeah.
I feel like if someone from the army was here,
they'd go like, hey, hey, hey, no.
Yeah.
We were kicking doors down and fucking people up.
Yeah.
I love it. So, but sometimes you doors down and fucking people up. I love it.
But sometimes you would jump out of an airplane.
Yeah, I mean, it was like, you have to practice it,
for when you, I guess, if we ever get into a real war
with people that got real stuff.
Right.
Well, luckily, that's never happened in our lifetime.
Instead, we just like to fucking practice a lot, I guess.
Oh my God.
I can't picture, I don't think I've seen a lot
of Mexican people jumping out of the old jumping bean.
You know what I mean?
I haven't seen this before.
There's a lot, actually.
There are?
Is that what we have them doing?
Wait, did you just try to compare Mexicans
jumping out of airplanes like the black people swimming?
It feels like you made the jump.
I mean.
Were you like, I don't see, you don't see a lot of Mexican
skydivers.
Yeah.
I don't.
They like the land.
Yeah.
They like to be right on ground level.
Landscaping, land, people.
They are people of the land.
People. They're people. They are people of the land. That is hilarious.
Do you come from a big family, Raul?
No, it's just me and my sister.
Wow, another stereotype. Completely broken by Raul Sanchez.
Well, actually, we did come over here legally back in 91.
Oh, okay.
Raul, you are out. You didn't have over here illegally back in 91. Oh, okay. Hey, boy. Raul, you are out.
You didn't have to say anything.
Dude, you're a...
You were defining a new generation of Latinos.
Yeah.
But 91, we straight up stuck in here.
Yeah, right?
You've talked about the army, this,
you're an open pamphlet.
Thank God you didn't get captured.
Well, I know.
That's a good one, though.
I mean, you're one of the good ones.
You come over...
Comedians, comedians.
Wait a second, how is that a bad thing?
How is that the Mexicans are laughing?
Yeah, but if you follow the trail...
I just got a fucking thumbs up, a brown thumb.
Yeah.
I just got it.
That joke was over the line and so is he.
Yeah.
I don't want to cross anybody's borders here, but...
That is incredible.
So you came here illegally and just joined the army.
See, that's fair.
That's how it should be.
You want to come here illegally?
Join the army.
I like it.
Serve your time.
The Asian Mexican's not having this.
He's just fucking pissed right now.
Asian Mexican?
Well, you don't see him in that.
He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and he looks shaped Samoan.
Got everything. They call them Don Mo.
I love it.
I wasn't a joke. It was a genuine like I'm regathering myself.
I love it. Role. What else would we be surprised to know about you in your life?
This is a very interesting set and interview.
You're absolutely killing it.
I used to be a drug addict.
Hey!
What are we talking? What kind of drug?
Mostly cocaine.
Like free...
Okay, a lot of fucking, a lot of people going 97 and a 75 back there.
Hell yeah. Where would you do the cocaine? A fucking lot of people going 97 and a 75 back there.
Hell yeah.
Where would you do the cocaine? What was like your routine?
Where would it get, what would it?
My homie was a dealer and we used to just kick it
in his like back room behind his parents' house.
Like he was set up there and we used to just like
stay up all night and do coke till we threw up.
I don't mean to judge your friend,
but he sounds like a really shitty coke dealer.
He's like, yeah, we're gonna go push by my parents
and just do all my stash.
Yeah, it was a pretty bad idea.
What would you guys do for fun after you do the cocaine?
What would you guys do?
It was around the time that I started doing standup.
So it was, and after a while,
I was like stand-up
starting to get in the way of the Coke.
And it got out of hand pretty quick,
and I ran out of money and I just stopped.
There you go.
A natural end to an addiction.
Stand-up started getting in the way of my addiction.
But stand-up won. You stopped Coke, you're still doing stand-up.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, you have one minute of material.
I'm all out.
Thank you.
Do you ever get tempted to do it?
Do you ever have a moment of weakness?
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yeah.
Like, what does that take?
Does that happen when you're out?
I just do it.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, perfect.
That's a way to do it.
Absolutely.
He's admitted to three felonies here,
for those of you keeping track.
Army, border jumping, drugs.
Every time I'm like, he's one of the good ones.
He's like, I do cocaine all the time.
I'm like, okay.
But I'm just in the army, all right.
What do you think?
I got here illegally.
What do you think about catalytic converters?
Like, do you get them for free or do you buy them? No, somebody tried to steal one out of a rental.
Oh.
Out of our house, yeah.
I'd love to have you on the Secret Show sometime if you can.
Whoa!
Thank you.
There you go, you passed the catalytic converter test.
It's one of the only ways to get booked on the Secret Show.
This is a legit, nice leather jokebook.
You could fucking do blow-off it or something like that.
He's generic. This is a legit nice
leather joke book. You could fucking do blow off it or something like that.
He's generic Raul on social media. All one word. I mean, that's as bad as good as
it can get out of the bucket. Makes some noise for Raul Sanchez. Oh wow. What a
start of the show so far this right now we're on pace for episode of the year.
It happens that quick.
Oh, look at the lovely Heidi.
I mean, my goodness gracious.
Are we the luckiest people on planet Earth or what?
I'm sorry. I looked at your boobs.
It's got the bottom boob.
I feel like I really got caught.
Oh, don't you think you need to report?
I was like, I'm sorry. Yeah, I know it's hard.
You think that's bad. I saw deep at you and she's like, you need to screw four doors. I was like, I'm sorry! Yeah. I know, it's hard.
You think that's bad?
I saw deep madness look at her boobs too.
That's the weird part.
He's like.
Hey!
Hey!
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Shopify.com slash Killtony.
All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name
of Pamela Galvez, everybody.
Pamela Galvez, 60 seconds uninterrupted.
Oh shit, here we go.
Oh shit, here we go. What's up everybody?
So I want to open up a pegging gym for women
so that we can have nice strong cores
because I used to date this bisexual guy
and we used to have strap on Sundays.
And oh, in case you don't know what pegging means,
pegging means when a girl, I guess, wears a plastic dick
and puts it in the butt of the guy.
And it made me really appreciate what you guys go through.
It's a lot of fucking work.
It's a lot of work to do this.
And it's very hard to find the hole too.
And I thought like all the position,
I thought like when
he was on top of me that would be easy no that wasn't easy but guys if your dick
could get pregnant you wouldn't want to stick it everywhere so just you know
because you guys always want to like stick your penises everywhere so yeah So, yeah, okay. Okay, 55 seconds from Pamela Galvez.
You what?
I wanted to stay on time.
There you go, you're on time, rare for your people.
Yeah, cause you know, I'm never, exactly,
I'm never on time.
What ethnicity are you exactly?
Dominicana, Dominicana.
Oh shit.
Dominicana.
Okay, we got a one time's good enough.
Dominicana. She was. Dominicana. Okay, we got it. One time's good enough. Dominicana.
She was hypnotizing Mark.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mark was starting to present to her.
I want some rice and beans.
Yeah.
She said it three times.
Yeah.
She said, you say Dominicana three times,
guava juice shows up out of nowhere.
This is an incredible Dan.
Peg Bundy. How many times have you done it?
Oh, uh, I did it like five times. It was amazing.
Same dude. Yeah, it was amazing. So ladies, please try it.
Please try it. Oh, you feel so powerful. I was like, Oh, now I get it.
What got us? It's a good feeling. Oh, I think you feel so powerful. I was like, oh now I get it. What got us it's a good feeling. So, okay
Turning the favor
Anyone else hard
Oh shit
Don't say Dominican again or they'll appear.
I love it.
Has anyone ever told you that you're like
if Frederick Douglass and Frederick Kruger had a baby?
I like it.
How long you been doing standup, Pamela?
Three years.
Where at?
New York City and LA and Miami and you know,
you gotta spread around, right?
You gotta spread yourself around, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, spread those cheeks.
Yes, exactly and lube it up too.
Oh yeah.
Oh shit.
I'm scared shitless of this lady.
I told you I wanna open up a pegging gym for women.
Sure.
Bad idea.
Good core.
24 hour shitittness.
Yeah, that does happen.
OK, so Pamela, what do you do for a living?
How do you make money?
I am a registered nurse.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I thought she was going to be sex offender.
School nurse. There's the jet skis.
The jet skis have arrived.
D Madness.
All right, we get it.
You're going pee, D Madness.
There he goes.
15 minutes into the show is first pee break, everybody.
There he goes.
A true professional D Madness.
I bet you're going hard with that thermometer in there, huh?
And then the butthole. Loop it up, baby, loop it up.
Oh, my God.
Tony, so I know you wanted to be a heart doctor.
See, I had open heart surgery.
Okay.
ASD.
ASD.
Atrial septic defect.
So, you know, heart, we're heart people, so that's all I just wanted to say.
So what was the defect?
Superventricular tachycardia?
Yes, yes.
Wow, look at that.
There you go.
No big deal, yeah. What? Tony, Wow, look at that. There you go. No big deal.
What? Tony, you have no heart.
Exactly. I know. It's like the ultimate tale.
You know, a man with no heart wanted to be a hot doctor.
Little boy. Shocking.
Uh oh.
So when did you have the surgery?
When I was seven years old.
Wow. Incredible. I wear my scar very proudly. I I was seven years old. Wow, incredible.
I wear my scar very proudly, so.
I love it, I love it.
Absolutely incredible.
We should all wear our scars and everything proudly.
Okay, over here, over here.
Sorry.
Really long answers to yes or no questions.
What do you do for fun, Pamela?
I like to go to the beach and swim and do comedy.
Okay, you like to swim? I love to swim. What kind of swimming do you do? It makes me feel free like no you know there's no no gravity you're just just
you and your thoughts yeah. That's kind of how water works. Yeah that's also how
people from the Dominican Republic get here.
It is incredible following your ancestors' footsteps there.
Pamela, what else? Tell me something interesting about you.
Swimming isn't really cutting it for me.
Yeah, I know.
Where are you at on Dominicans saying the N-word? Is that allowed?
Good question.
That's a touchy one.
What do you think?
You're Dominican.
Dominican, Dominican.
No, I don't like, I don't even.
You don't do it.
You would pass the test on a police.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, I'd pull you over.
Yeah.
You'd definitely register with an HOA.
Yeah.
So I also do comedy for disabled comedians. I'm disabled too.
You just can't see it, you know, cuckoo, obviously. And so yeah, so it's very
passionate of mine. The more and more we go on, the more and more I see how crazy that guy is
for letting you peg him.
Oh, you know what?
I feel like you didn't have a safe word at all.
No, it's in a, he broke up with me on Valentine's Day.
Of this year?
So I'm very, yeah, just now.
He just broke up with me on Valentine's Day.
What was his reasoning?
My ass is bleeding.
Too crazy.
He couldn't handle my craziness.
He broke your heart, you broke his back.
Absolutely incredible.
On Valentine's Day, how did he break it to you?
Was it a text call?
Text after three and a half years.
Three and a half years.
Three and a half years in a text?
Good for fucking his butt, lady.
Yes, thank you, exactly.
Yeah.
Fucking in the butt. Wow. Damn, exactly. Yeah. Fucking Amanda Buck.
Wow.
Damn, Pegasaurus.
No, that's not.
Work it, work it.
I like that one, I like that one.
Pegasaurus.
Unbelievable.
So he left you on, you guys didn't get to hang out on Valentine's Day.
No.
Wow, did you get him anything?
Did you have something prepared for Valentine's Day? Perhaps some Wow. Did you get him anything? Did you have something prepared for Valentine's Day?
Perhaps some melted bedroom chocolates or something
like that to blend in with the sheets?
Right, right.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's why you always have to have tissue on the side
to clean it up.
OK.
Gosh, wow.
We're still, oh my gosh, we're talking
about poop stuff and butts.
That's what you did.
You brought that up.
Congratulations. That was what you did. You brought that up. Congratulations.
That was your 55 seconds.
You created this for yourself.
Pamela, here's a little joke book.
There you go.
All right.
We're having fun here.
You guys having fun?
All right.
Another bucket full.
Here we go.
Anything can happen.
Make some noise for Jay Hinsdale, everybody.
Jay Hinsdale.
Here he is, Jay Hinsdale.
Oh crap.
I was at a strip club during the day recently.
I wasn't there for any particular reason.
I was just trying to get my mom's engagement ring back.
Goin' to a strip club during the day is weird though.
Goin' to a strip club during the day is kind of like
going to a haunted house at night.
It's dark. You feel like you're not supposed to be there.
Walls are covered in ectoplasm.
Seeing a stripper during the day is weird too.
Seeing a stripper during the day
is kind of like seeing Batman during the day.
They both got cool costumes, but you can see the scars.
(*audience laughs*)
Batman fights crime, stripper fights crime. The catch and release is a little different for the stripper,
but she does keep criminals off the streets for an unspecified amount of time.
And if you read the comics, that's better than Batman.
Sorry, I have a touch of the tism.
Wow.
Yet another unbelievable minute here tonight.
Jay Hinsdale. Um. Wow. Yet another unbelievable minute here tonight.
Jay Hinsdale.
Am I saying that correctly, Jay?
Yeah, I usually go by JP, but I forgot to add the P.
There you go.
Absolutely.
Well, welcome.
You've been on this show before?
Yeah, I was actually on the show
the first episode you did with an
audience after COVID. At Antones? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Our first episode in Austin.
Yeah, you ruined my life. I did? How did I do that? You gave me dreams and hope.
Look where it got you. I know man. That's incredible. This is amazing. So what have you been
doing? How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years now
You didn't start on the show you were doing it for a year or so before I was doing it for three months
And I got pulled it was it changed my life man. Yeah, real amazing. Tell us more about that
I'm interested for the people at home to hear what happens when you
Make an impression on kill Tony. How did it change your life?
I just, I was three months in, man,
and I was like, you know, you're at the point
when you start where you think you're kidding yourself,
and like you were so fucking nice to me.
Like that was crazy.
Like for real, like you were,
like you're the reason that I kept going.
Yeah. Like you were like you're the reason that I kept going.
Yeah.
You hear that, you faggots?
It's me.
I love it.
Absolutely. That would have been the perfect sense before he shot you.
He does have the name of an assassin.
Jay Hinsdale.
Then assassinated Tony Hinscliffe.
It was a great set.
Really good set. Thank you. I appreciate it.
Unlike you, your jokes have no fat on them.
I know.
I once went to an Antifa-sponsored
vegan barbecue for trans awareness.
Oh no.
I found out they don't accept trans fats.
Wow.
Yes.
I love it.
You've got the face of Shane Gillis
and the body of David Lucas.
It is incredible.
You are a machine, J.P. Hinsdale.
I'm just gonna write in the P and call you J.P.
Is that okay?
That's great, Thank you. All right
So now you've been doing it would you say four years four years and what you make a living doing it no
Right, how do you how do you provide for yourself? I had to wait for relative to die. Oh good
shows patience like she held on a good long while and I had to wait for a relative to die. Oh, good. Shows patience, though.
Yeah, yeah.
She held on a good long while, and...
You're next, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love it.
Who was it?
Grandma?
Yeah.
How did she die?
Oh, she was just, it was again in that time.
I was like, honestly, it just happened this year.
It was pretty messed up, man.
Was there a, red band relax Jesus
mostly because my mom didn't die and that's right sorry well now we know
you're pecking order yeah exactly she had a pegging order yeah so hindsight's sides 2020 with a dildo. Okay.
Okay, JP. Touche, touche.
There you go.
All right, so what do you, you live in Austin?
Yes, sir.
What do you do for fun?
This.
Right, have you been signing up a lot?
We haven't seen you in.
Yeah, I've been signing up since I moved here
and even before I was coming out every Monday.
So we haven't gotten you on since the first episode in Austin, Texas,
which is well over three years ago. Yeah.
And you've been signing up continuously.
Like off and on when I could get here.
But in the past three months, I've been signing up every week.
Amazing. Yeah.
It's fucking tricky with hundreds of people in the bucket.
This is a perfect example of the fucking randomness
of the show, but you know, I was just telling,
I think it was Rogan the other night that,
you know, William signed up for, I think it was a year,
or something crazy, continuously,
and he never once got up.
And then, after a year, we pull his name out of the bucket,
now he has the record for most appearances
and interviews all time on the show.
So it goes to show that fucking, you know,
persistence and everything is, whatever.
You're fat, let's talk about it.
What do you like to eat, JP?
Yeah, dude.
What don't you like to eat?
Let's start there.
What's the late night fucking gluttonous pleasure?
Tell us, taste oracle.
Taste, okay.
It's not pussy.
Not pussy.
No.
When I can, but it's a delicacy.
Incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
I bet you eat it all up too, buddy.
Like German chocolate cake.
Incredible that you're the bucket pulled
that doesn't have the heart surgery scar
in between your breasts.
No, it's only because I can't afford it.
Right, well, you be careful.
We might start a heart surgery go fund me.
Incredible JP.
Do you ever exercise?
What's the most motion that you do in a week? I get out of bed. That's pretty difficult. I do have a bad leg so it
makes things... What's wrong with your leg? I broke it and I didn't have health
insurance so it just kind of healed wrong. Oh is it visible? Yeah you want to
see it? Yeah we would love to see. Oh, oh shit. You got a homeless
leg. Yeah, yeah you do. Oh man. The ankle goes for those of you who just
listening to the podcast, the ankle stays the same size all the way up to
the knee. Yeah, there's no definition there. I bet you could boot the shit out
of a soccer ball. Bring Raul back up, let's see.
Okay. JP, anything else that we should know about you
before letting you go back?
I did just come out this year as bisexual.
Oh!
Oh my God.
I did it at 40, just in time for it to be gross.
Holy shit, absolutely.
Now you're gonna be turned down by two genders.
I know.
Yeah.
Twice the rejection.
I don't know if my heart can take it.
Incredible.
I don't think your heart can take much.
So what made you come out as bi?
How does this happen exactly?
You might understand this, Tony.
Yes, of course.
You son of a bitch.
This is what happens.
You changed my life, Tony.
You made me believe in my dreams, Tony.
It's all thanks to you, Tony.
You're fucking gay, Tony.
Every Monday.
Well, he does have the cattiness of a gay guy.
Like, I don't know.
Have you ever been in a relationship so toxic
that you consider taking dig again?
What's the again point?
I didn't like it so much when I was 11,
but I matured a lot and said.
Hold on, this is all moving too fast for me.
That was good.
This is all moving too fast for me.
Were you in a relationship with a girl
and she broke your heart?
Yeah.
How did that happen?
She break up with you on Valentine's Day?
No, it's like our psychological problems were too connected.
It just got bad.
Is she dead?
No.
But she's on the pecking order for sure.
Yeah, yeah.
It's right behind mom.
Not for lack of trying.
It goes mom, Rebecca.
And then my stupid dead grandma. Yeah,
hell yeah. So how's the bisexuality been working? Are you on an app or something
like that? Guys are fucking savage. Yeah, like savage. Yeah. I don't know if it's
good or bad, bad, savage like dude. I don't like men. I remember the first
night I was out. this like guy was coming up
He's like, hey, can I blow you in the bathroom? And I was like, I'm just new to this
I'm not quite ready for this shit yet. Oh my god
You want to suck my dick I'm new at this
But literally like five minutes later, he like, first he's like I understand
then five minutes later he's like hey you want me to suck your dick in the bathroom?
I was like dude we just talked about this.
I was like take it easy.
Let somebody see your dick. I know.
Because you're not seeing it. No.
Jesus Christ.
I had somebody describe it to me once apparently it's majestic.
Hey!
Well if it's anything like your leg it's huge.
What kind of gig? It's a sight to behold, either way.
Yeah.
What are the apps you're on? Uber Eats?
Yeah.
Grub Sub.
I love it. I love it. So what gay shit have you done?
Well, I was driving Lyft for a while.
Wait, what?
What?
Yeah, I was driving... Look, What? Yeah, I was driving,
like my first night,
my first night I was driving Lyft,
like I picked up this dude at a bar,
and like he was just sitting in the back,
he was like making out with this dude
when I picked him up.
He was making out with a woman
when you picked him up?
No, he was making out with a dude.
Oh, gotcha.
And then he gets in the car,
and he's like, I hate this shit,
and I'm like, what?
I'm like, he's like, I hate hooking up with straight guys.
Yeah, and I was like, I hate this shit. And I'm like, what? I'm like, he's like, I hate hooking up with straight guys. Yeah.
And I was like, that guy was straight.
And he's like, yeah, he came in with his girlfriend.
I'm like, I'm pretty sure he didn't come out that way.
Yeah.
He was like, so we're just sitting, talking,
having a normal chill conversation.
While you're driving him?
Yeah.
Where's he going, home?
Yeah, he's going home.
And then we get to his destination. He's like-'s like take off your hat again. You're like a gay
jelly roll. Look at this everybody. Look at this fucking smelly roll over here. Oh
my goodness. You're gonna sing the national anthem for us. I love it. I mean
if you want I'll get the words wrong. Can you see? So what happens then? Well, he's like, Hey, you want me to suck your dick?
Wait a second. We've heard this before. Yeah. Why are you like a bug zapper for
people that suck dick? Just everyone's like, I got to suck this guy's dick. I've
always wanted to know what it feels like to have a belly on my head. It's a moth
to a flamer. Look, I understand it less than you do.
I've never heard somebody ask me that question.
So recently.
Well, when it rains it pours.
It does.
But he goes like, hey man, you want me to suck your dick?
And I'm like, I thought about it, I was like, that's really nice of you, but...
You are the worst at turning down fucking jobs. I don't know new at
this. Oh, that's very nice to be, but then he was like like I'm blowing on
the clock. I know I know I I would have got more than just the tip.
Okay, so like he's like I'm like I'm thank you, but I'm I'm okay by the way.
Let me just point out that you can tell D madness is homophobic.
It's because he keeps playing the law and order.
He thinks being gay is so wrong that it's a crime.
Now, now, now, now, now, like we hear you, D madness.
You're saying so much with your bass guitar right now.
Like that's not
look. I grew up Irish Catholic, so I feel the same way
so then what happened? I cut off your story. So then he's like, well, at least
let me see it and I was like I was I was an altar boy. I'm not that's like I
know that trick and
this is full me. What shame on you?
I know that trick. And it says, fool me once, shame on you.
And then he's like, well, at least describe it to me.
And I was like, it was like two in the morning.
It's like, I've never had to describe my penis.
Challenge accepted, you know?
So it didn't take long.
I explained it.
Then after that, he was like, how are you
going to describe your penis to me and not let me see it
Can I ask you how you described your penis?
It was a windy night yeah, I
Was new at this yes, I was feeling my loins burning in a certain direction I
Mean it's it's distinguished, but it leans a little left just like your leg exactly
It's a structural issue, okay, but anyways like he's like that his logic was sound so I was like I guess I have to do it
I don't know is okay. Are you saying this guy argued you into being gay? Yeah
And did he pay you for the ride? Yeah? Oh man? That's gotta be a violation of Lyft. Yeah, probably
It's a good thing. I don't do that anymore. You're a hooker. I know. Hey, what kind of dudes are you into? If you would, you have a specific type because you're what you would be described as a bear. Is that correct? I guess that's what everyone keeps telling me. Yeah, no, I'm like technically I'm pansexual, but I don't like talking like frying pan.
Yeah,
more of a skillet. Yeah, okay. So what do you mean by pansexual? Explain that
to us? Republicans in the room. I really, I really hate explaining this, but it's
basically it's not the package. It's what's inside you like holes? Yes. Yes. You do. Yes. But not the mouths of innocent humans. No.
No. Because you're new at this. I am new at this. Very, very. So who have you hooked up
with? I don't know. A couple dudes. I'm not like getting names and shit. I'm not to the
point. I don't want their names. Okay. The amount of gay eye rolls that you have probably been so many where they're like,
oh, fine, you're new.
I love it, JP.
I find you to be extremely interesting.
How long of a set do you think you've acquired in your four years of being a stand-up Canadian?
Longest set I've done is 45 minutes.
45 minutes.
Where are you originally from?
I'm from LA.
LA?
Yeah. That's where your family's from? I'm from LA. LA? Yeah.
That's where your family's from?
Yeah.
I would not have guessed that.
But no, I've been here for...
I've been here for about 18 years, so I've been here long.
Wow. Incredible. You're from LA.
Yeah.
Interesting. You know what, JP?
I find your story to be so incredibly compelling.
What part of LA are you originally from?
I've lived all over Glendale, Long Beach, Burbank.
You lived all over Los Angeles.
And meanwhile, on May 10th,
we will be at the Kia Forum, the Forum.
Have you heard of this arena, the world famous arena?
How would you like to do a minute at the Forum in LA?
Yes, you would. Thank you.
Well there you go. You got it. J.P. Hinsdale will be performing. You have family there?
No, they're all dead.
They're all dead?
Yeah.
What about your pecking orders? Mom's still alive?
Yeah, but she's here.
She's in Austin?
She knows. She's just around.
That would have been great if he was like, I'm new. I can't accept it, I can't.
I was gonna have you invite her out to the show,
but I guess only grandma's gonna be watching
your performance at the forum.
Redband?
I would also love to have you on The Secret Show
Thursday if you can.
Hell yeah, thank you.
There you go.
All right, dude.
He started here, and it will end here.
JP Hinsdale at Hinsdale 5000 on social media
You probably never got one of these bones. I wasn't with us back then there he goes. He made it happen
He's just became an arena act ladies and gentlemen
JP Hinsdale
Everyone and like that magic happens
He goes from signing up every single week to going back to where he started his life in Los Angeles
Performing in an arena only under the condition that he lets me suck his dick
Of course, so keep an eye on that could be taken away at any point
He likes to play hard to get yeah, right and soft to get at the same time. It's very bizarre
Ladies and gentlemen as you see dreams can come true on this show and none bigger than the one that you're about to see.
An absolute force of nature, one of our regulars
writes and performs a new minute every single week.
I present to you a freak.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one and only Cam Patterson.
["Gay Hell"]
Hell yeah.
That last nigga gay hell, yo. That last nigga, gay as hell, dog. Gay as shit.
Super duper gay, very gay.
Unlike that guy, I like bitches.
I love women. They cool as hell.
I had a threesome for the first time a couple weeks ago,
and I made two women come to the same conclusion
that I'm pretty bad at sex.
I'm mad because I told them that joke.
They laughed harder than y'all did.
I hate them hoes. I laughed harder than y'all did.
I hate them hoes.
I hate them with my whole heart.
That shit really pissed me the fuck off.
It was weird, cause like at one point,
one of the girls got mad at the other girl,
cause I was fucking the other one too much,
because her pussy was better.
I'm a genius, you know what I'm saying?
And so she got mad and went to a different room.
So I had to fuck him in different rooms.
So just imagine me butt ass naked, 14 inch dick.
Don't think about it too hard.
14 inch dick, soup flashing.
I'm soft, not even hard yet.
It was just dragging the floor,
and I'm running butt-ass naked,
but my socks and slides still on,
because if you fuck where I put socks and slides on,
you gay, that's gay as hell, dog.
You fuck butt-ass naked, that's gay as shit, right?
So I'm running back and forth like a Scooby-Doo chasing,
right, just fucking just hitting that shit, right?
And I really enjoyed it.
I thought it was a good time.
I called my homeboy, I was like,
hey man, I had a threesome last night,
that shit was dope.
And I explained, I was going back and forth, back and forth.
He was like, you didn't have a threesome,
they ran a train on you.
That's it, that's Cam Patterson.
Fuck yeah, Cam Patterson.
I love it.
That's a new minute.
Yes.
Originally heard about it in an interview.
Yep.
And there it is, the actual bit.
Unbelievable.
Take it from interview to fucking,
it all turns into material.
Yeah, them niggas already gonna hate me for that one.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, I'm a, it's how I fuck their mom or something.
That's right.
Absolutely.
Get their moms pregnant.
Yeah, that's a good idea. I should do that.
The fun thing about fucking a hater's mother
is that you can come inside of her all you want.
Yeah.
Let her deal with the repercussions.
I can be your stepfather or some shit like that.
Yeah, exactly.
God damn, what a cool threat.
I'm going to fuck the shit out of your mom.
I'm going to, I'll be like, I'll listen.
I'll listen to her stories.
I love it.
Cam, you're absolutely killing.
What else is going on in the world?
You really did that, huh?
You were in two different rooms?
Yeah, they was upset with each other.
One of them was just mad
cause fucking the other one way too much.
And then you went in there and what'd you say to her?
You're like, hey, I wanna fuck.
Stop being mad, bitch.
Yeah.
Okay, that's a direct approach.
Yeah.
Stop being upset, dumbass bitch.
Oh, hell yeah, you threw dumb in there.
Absolutely, super insulting.
I'm writing it down.
All right, keep going.
All right.
Settle down, you dumbass bitch.
Cause some women like to be talked to aggressively,
you know what I'm saying?
She like to be, you know what I'm saying?
This feels like a fucked up hitch.
Damn.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
How do you know who to talk to aggressively
and who to not talk to?
You gotta talk to the aggressive ones aggressively.
You know what I'm saying?
She really like overly aggressive.
You gotta be aggressive back.
Like I don't hit women,
but I shake the shit out of bitch.
You know what I'm saying?
I shake the shit out of them.
How did you know that the one girl's vagina
was better than the other girl's vagina
if you fucked the one girl first?
Because I tried both of them.
You tried both of them?
I tried both of them.
You are the old Pepsi challenge.
Yeah, I tried both of them.
I'm like, oh, this is way better.
What do you mean?
It was like, the other one was...
Lighter?
Nah, just like more like, more wet, you feel what I'm saying?
Yeah, a little je ne sais quoi.
You ever had like a stuffy nose and one of your noses is just like, one side of your
nose is just like super wet and the other side of your nose is just like super wet and
the other side of your nose is just like super wet.
Yeah. Yeah, a little je ne sais quoi. You ever had like a stuffy nose and one of your nose is just like, one side of your nose
is just like super wet and the other side is just dry shit?
Yeah.
That was the other bitch.
Oh, got it.
But Cam, have you ever laid on your side and let the snot fall into the other one and then
it opens back up?
How cool is that?
What I'm saying is, shoot, switch rooms, maybe the pussy would have been better in the other
room. It's too bad there's no nose spray for pussies. Open that shit up, you know? What I'm saying is, shoot, switch rooms, maybe the pussy would have been better in the other
room.
It's too bad there's no nose spray for pussies.
Open that shit up, you know?
They needed that shit.
I will tell you my favorite part about the three of us, is I went outside, I was on the
phone with my homeboy about some shit, and then I came back in and one of the girls was
eating the other girl's pussy.
And I was like, man, life is great, man.
So I decided, I had two entries I could choose to go through at this point in life.
You know what I'm saying?
I could either just shove my dick in her mouth
or fuck the other one.
And I shoved my dick in her mouth
and I think that was a pretty good decision.
Yeah, she was your own adventure.
Yeah.
What a post-game conference.
Yeah, all right.
I could've gone puss, wet mouth, don't regret it.
Don't regret it, good idea, I like that a lot.
Let's also take note that during all this talk
about fucking women and women eating each other out, not once have we heard bow-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n- 18 times during all the gay talker. I hate gay talkers.
Literally thinks gay things are criminal.
Unbelievable.
And you fuck with the slides on.
Oh, I got to. Yeah, you got to.
Yeah, because you go to Sox, they on the carpet.
Yeah, you got to have, you know what I'm saying, good traction.
Yes, yes. You definitely have an up running to the liquor store outfit on.
Traction.
Yeah, cause like you don't like, you feel what I'm saying?
Not all really carpet,
but if you like on like hardwood floors and shit,
you be slipping, you be slipping and shit.
You'll slide back.
So you stay at the edge of the bed
and you bring them kind of towards you.
Yeah, I like that whole touch they told me.
Cause slides, it would be hard to keep them on
in the missionary position, I do believe.
Oh, trust me, I keep them bitches on, dog.
You keep them on.
You gotta grip the hoe with your toes a little bit.
Oh my God, that is incredible. These don't come off at all, bro.
For those of you just listening to the podcast,
he got up on his toes like Michael Jackson.
Gotta grip the hood.
Look at me, look.
Grip them bitches, gripping.
Wow.
Gotta grip the hood.
That is incredible.
This guy just agrees with whatever you say.
Ha ha ha ha.
Yes, Mr. Black Man, okay.
Yes.
Yes, I'll buy candy for your uniforms
We're trying to go to Florida and play in a you
Trying to get there bro, I did that before before. I was like 19, not playing basketball,
like yeah, did that before.
I can see it, I think I bought those Skittles.
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
All right, Cam, I mean you did it again,
an absolute unbelievable performance yet again.
Just choke, choke, choke, choke, choke.
Nobody does it quite like him.
Make some noise for Cam Patterson, everybody.
Come on, you can do better than that. Make some noise for Cam Patterson everybody. Come on, you can do better than that.
Make some noise for Cam everyone.
God damn it, out there daydreaming.
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Yeah? Like a dog what?
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Your next bucket pull is from the inside
He is one of you make some noise for Tanner Amiglio
Tanner Amiglio from the inside.
I do, well, nope.
Is that him?
Tanner, you here?
Here he comes.
All right.
From the back.
How many of you like it when people do good on this show?
How many of you like it when people do bad on this show?
Well, there you go. A bunch of ruthless people in this room tonight.
Absolute monsters.
Make some noise for Tanner Amiglio everybody.
From the inside, one of your very own, one more time for Tanner Amiglio.
I get confused watching the news a lot.
I'll see a protest going on and you'll see, like, a protest going on,
and you'll see, like, a bunch of fat people,
and, like, they're activists.
Like, what the fuck you active about?
Fatty.
Fat fuck.
Heh-heh.
Heh-heh.
Heh-heh. Shh. Hold on. No, dude, like, I like listening to my parents have sex.
I don't care what you think dude, they're my parents bro.
Fuck you.
It's fun to think about.
My dad's shorter than my mom.
My dad's Asian.
It's cool.
He just teeter totters on her.
I know he's doing a good job too.
Like, I hear my mom go, oh yeah.
Yeah.
My dad's like, don't like I, fuck yeah,
get this foot there.
I'm Asian, don't get mad at me, bro.
All right, cool.
Wow, a great minute.
Tanner Amiglio.
Am I saying that correctly, Tanner?
Yeah, you are, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Welcome to the show.
This is your first time, right?
Yes.
Dan Soder.
What up, Dan?
What's up, dude?
How are you?
I'm doing great, dude.
You really look like a kid that was kidnapped
and then returned.
Oh, yeah.
I just kept asking, like,
oh, dude, let me play the iPad.
He was like, get the fuck out.
Incredible.
How old are you?
21.
21 years old.
Wow.
I feel like Kevin Spacey, because this twink is cute.
Yeah, dude.
Yeah, it's going down.
It is going down.
It is going down.
Cute and stinky.
I'm a little cute stinky boy.
Wow.
Alright, there you go.
How many animals have you killed with rocks?
Wait, no, so many.
Actually, no, like a lot.
Go ahead, answer it.
Okay, I've killed rabbits, squirrels.
I killed, not with a rock, but with my car, like three hogs.
What was the one with your car?
I felt it.
Like three hogs, like three at once.
Instead of two birds, one stone, my car, three hogs.
Wow, hot.
Honestly, you can't beat that logic.
Right, that's good.
Yeah, you look like a kid who.
God damn, dude.
I have never seen a person so ready for a firework accident.
It is unbelievable.
This is incredible.
You're a little bundle energy, Tanner.
How long have you been doing stand up?
This is going to be 10 months.
No, no, 11 months in March.
OK.
That was March.
Yes.
11 months, guys.
Wait, you mean a year in March?
No, no, no, a year year in April because I turned 21 in March
So I started in April. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, everything is happening right now
I know it's crazy
I don't know why he's got so much cartoon turned into a human energy
That's the sound. Yeah. Okay.
So Tanner, how do you make a living?
I work for Tommy Buns and Mama Jeans.
Wow.
Yeah.
Unbelievable.
I was actually switching on the podcast when you were on Not Today Pal.
Oh, okay.
Hell yeah.
And you asked...
With the great Jamie Lynn Siglin?
Yeah, the great Jamie Lynn and Rabo.
Of course.
Yeah, you asked, so when...
Wait, wait, I didn't even get to the fucking,
I didn't even know, you guys don't even know what he asked.
Just hold on.
Because no, because-
When I'm mad, my nose shakes.
Tony really likes the Sopranos, which is dope.
And he was wondering about this Pink Floyd song
that kept popping up when someone was killed.
It was Van Morrison.
But yes, Van Morrison sings the chorus on the comfortably numb version
of Christopher Moltisanti's death.
Yes. Yeah.
I learned that from when you were on the park.
You know, they asked the great David Chase,
the creator, the almighty creator of the Sopranos universe,
and he answered that and he didn't even know.
Your eyes are so much bluer than I thought.
He didn't even know.
Sorry.
You talking about my eyes right now?
You guys have blue eyes.
Because I'm talking about David Chase
answering my question that I asked
on a Sopranos podcast right now?
Sorry.
Dude, he's been living with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys.
Just let him have it.
He's like, I don't know, Peter,
Captain Hook's coming around.
Let him.
My eyes are blue.
Yeah, man.
Indeed.
But yeah, he didn't even know.
He didn't even make the connection.
Blue is your little vest.
Oh, jeez. What?
What is going on here?
What is going on here?
Wow.
Yeah, fucking.
Will you guys stop flirting?
Oh my god, what a cute, what a me cute.
Yeah, right?
Tony, you're back in with the Asians.
Yeah, you're popular.
We love you.
I'm going to get my revenge.
I'm a dirty Asian though, you know.
What kind of Asian are you?
I'm Filipino, we're not clean.
We're like tree Asians, we're arboreal.
That means they live in the trees for you retards. Arboreal is in the trees.
God, what?
This is the worst planet earth ever.
The retards are in the trees.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh man.
You look like the kid from Jungle Book.
Yeah.
I was gonna say.
Mowgli?
Mowgli, the little Indian.
Is that what you have to calm you down?
It's the bare necessities.
The simple bare necessities.
There it is. The actual sun.
Your forehead, Dan, your forehead's as wide as my ass, dude.
Wow. Tanner.
I'm just kidding.
Sweet Zing.
Yeah.
Fucking boxcar child.
Zing is his dad's name.
Oh my God.
Tanner, you're a freak of nature.
Have you been funny your whole life?
You're 21 years old.
Who are you, a little rabble rouser in school?
I'm such a rabble rouser.
Okay.
Son of a bitch.
I swear to God.
This kid just... Spank it, Tony.
Disrespect it.
Wow.
You guys are gonna fuck.
We are.
I'm taking him to the Pitchin' Putt this week
and get him all fuckin' liquored up on sugar
or something like that.
You originally from Austin, Tanner?
No.
Where you from? I'm from Chamclamente, California. Oh, it're originally from Austin, Tanner? No. Where are you from?
I'm from Sacramento, California.
Oh, it's a shame.
So close to the forum if you weren't an asshole.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I have a question.
Oh, how did I fuck this up for myself?
You fucking pussy.
Oh, your eyes are bluer than I thought.
I love it.
Tanner, what do you do for fun?
What else are you into other than comedy?
I love fishing.
I grew up working on fishing boats.
That's like my favorite thing to do.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
Okay.
I figured you're more of a bait for
For Red Band.
Chris Hansen show or whatever that was called.
Oh yeah, I, yeah.
I'd be a great bait.
You invite people in,
tell them that there's cookies and lemonade and shit?
If they bring the pizza, fuck yeah.
Alright, okay.
Chris Hansen's like,
you're not supposed to actually fuck up.
Yeah.
That's the vibe that I was getting.
I just open the door, I'm already naked.
I'm like, alright, we're doing this.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a question?
Did you fuck that kid?
Yeah.
No, I offered to suck his dick,
and he told me he was new at this.
I know.
I know.
Tanner, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday,
if you can.
Yeah, thank you.
And here's a big joke book.
There you go, buddy.
The Kill Tony debut of Tanner Amiglio.
And ladies and gentlemen, on this,
what appears to be a fucking home run derby episode.
Oh shit.
I mean, ladies and gentlemen,
Kill Tony Hall of Famer David Lucas has stepped out.
For those of you just listening to the show.
What a pleasant surprise.
Absolutely incredible.
I didn't want to shit.
I just wanted to tell Tony he looked like a gay puffer fish.
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
I bet if I tickle your booty, you'll blow up right now,
nigga.
That's how it works.
Look at Dan Soda.
That nigga look like he got on a hockey helmet.
Big head ass bitch.
You and your fucking wobbly fish eyes need to shut the fuck up.
You deflated Patrice O'Neal.
You look like an intelligent Tom Green, nigga.
I'll take that.
I'll take that.
Damn, I feel like I'm between a black guy and a cop. Take it easy.
That nigga look like he coach at a private school.
Get your motherfucking...
God willing.
Basketball.
All right, you fucking candy apple.
David Lee.
Look at your Adam's apple, nigga.
God damn, boy.
Oh, yeah. You've never eaten an apple.
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
You have a harder time breathing than George Floyd.
Hey, don't say that.
I just got countered for that joke.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
That's all right.
But if they would have kneeled on your neck, they would have had to curve their knee, nigga.
That's true.
Look at that Adam's apple.
It's a doozy.
That's a mesothelioma, whatever that shit called.
And that's a diabetic.
That's my nigga, bro.
That's why we here.
Oh my God.
Kill Tony Hall of Famer, one of only three,
one of only two living. David Lucas has arrived. Yeah, I'm out here, bro. I just wanted to come out here, Tony, Hall of Famer, one of only three, one of only two living.
David Lucas has arrived.
Yeah, I'm out here, bro.
I just wanted to come out here, man,
and let y'all know my special drop, March 6th,
you know what I'm saying, filmed it.
Yeah.
And they tried to cancel me over that George Floyd joke,
but it don't work.
That nigga was a crankhead, fuck that shit. I really, in real life, would have shot that nigga.
It wasn't a joke.
He was 6'6".
Fuck that.
Yeah.
Incredible.
That was quite the situation.
You were put under...
I thought you were talking about George Floyd.
That's one kid, man.
That's fucking good.
That's one way to put it.
Situation.
He's the guy from Jersey Shore.
Hey, Tony.
Yeah?
What kind of shirt is that under that vest?
What are you asking me exactly?
I ain't never seen a loose Allen Iverson sleeve, nigga.
That shit weird.
What do you...
You look like you got on a church sock, nigga.
Your ass.
Church sock. What the fuck is going on? What do you... You look like you got on a church sock, nigga, your ass.
Church sock?
What the fuck is going on?
That's a Stacey Adams shirt, nigga, your ass.
The Steve Harvey line of scuba diving gear.
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha.
You gonna take that from Stacey Abrams?
Oh my God.
Man, get your old motherfucking Yorkie looking ass up outta here, boy.
Look like a rich person dog, nigga, out here.
That nigga.
I like it.
Fuck outta here with that bullshit.
I like it.
You do look like a rich person, stop.
I should be in a lady's purse.
That motherfucker look like he swallowing a ping pong ball.
N***a, your ass.
Boy, when you take a go, that shit take 30 years, n***a.
Oh, yeah.
Take a sip of that Coke.
I'll be finished next month.
Oh my God.
It don't stop, baby.
We out here.
He is huge.
And you're gay, bitch.
No, you are literally bigger than ever. It is incredible. N***a, I see you on the P. Diddy affidavit. N***'re gay, bitch. No, you are literally bigger than ever.
It is incredible.
Nigga, I see you on the P. Diddy affidavit.
Nigga, your ass.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Oh my god.
You was at a swimming pool with meat meal.
Well, no one knows more about being puffy than you do.
So.
Oh.
It's a P. Diddy joke. You be puffy in the morning. So, it's a pee-pee joke.
You be puffy in the morning from that AIDS medication,
nigga, your ass.
You are notoriously B-I-G.
And you are notorious F-A-G.
Oh, son of a bitch.
He got me again.
It goes on and on.
Forever.
I can't understand how we last so long.
Absolutely incredible.
You know we do this shit, man.
What else, David? You know, I'm out here, bro. I'm out here in we last so long. Absolutely incredible. You know we do this shit, man. What else, David?
You know, I'm out here, bro.
I'm out here in these cities, man.
Bakersfield, North Carolina, fucking Stress Factory.
I got the Wilbratt at the end of the year.
We out here doing it.
Kill Tony is the real movement, nigga.
Y'all better believe that.
God damn motherfucking right.
We're doing Madison Square Garden.
Do you niggas understand that shit?
Yep.
Yep. Everybody associated with Kill Tony is a motherfucking killer, and donas understand that shit? Yep. Yep.
Everybody associated with Kill Tony is a motherfucking killer.
And don't forget that shit. That's all I gotta say.
David Lucas, everybody. You gotta love it.
What a special poppin.
We love you, David.
All right.
Absolute legend of the show.
We're gonna be getting trash tonight, no doubt about it.
And I was saying before he even came out, I was saying on a, what appears to be
an all home run Derby episode of kill Tony, I have pulled one of the most
amazing names I could have possibly have pulled out of the bucket genuinely
somehow one of the out of the hundreds of sign ups. I have pulled kill Tony
legend, make some noise for David Jolly everybody.
Oh yeah, gang of violence has arrived.
How y'all doing?
How y'all doing tonight, white people in Puerto Rico?
Y'all heard the news that the aliens was real?
Y'all heard that?
It's fucking crazy.
The real question is,
when we gonna be able to fuck these aliens?
I see, Avatar, I been waiting on this shit a long time.
I ain't never had no turquoise pussy before.
I'ma be the first nigga in a polyamorous relationship
with two marching hoes.
I'ma be like, hey, ooga, ooga, ooga, ooga. You an aunt, aunt, aunt, y'all come down here
and suck my dick.
Because I already know if they're keeping them aliens
at Area 51, it's a nigga on that midnight shift.
He just wait for Roger to go eat his cheese sandwich.
All right, thank y'all, man, thank you.
Only 42 seconds.
Oh, my bad.
All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
I'm gonna be like, hey, I'm gonna be like, He just wait for Roger to go eat his cheese sandwich. All right, thank y'all, man.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Only 42 seconds.
Oh, my bad.
All right, all right.
Fuck y'all, y'all ugly, bitch.
All right.
Okay.
All right, 48 seconds.
David Jolly.
What up, Tony?
How's it going, my friend?
Welcome.
Shit, you know, out here getting it.
You're having a good time, ain't we?
God damn right.
You working tonight?
Yeah, I'm working.
Absolutely.
I love that-
You thought I'd just walk around with you?
Well, don't answer that.
Yeah, exactly.
You don't wanna know.
David, incredible that I pulled you out of the,
but do you always sign up when you're working?
Yeah, every time.
I love it.
Well- I was sitting up there and then I seen Brian look at Colt that I pulled you out of the, but do you always sign up when you're working? Yeah, every time. I love it. Well.
I was sitting up there and then I seen,
I seen Brian look at Colt and I was like,
I think this might be my motherfucking name.
You're goddamn right.
Yeah, yeah.
Look at you.
What up, Mark?
Hey, it's good to see you.
I mean, you were great in Blood Diamond.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You was good in Honey, I Chalked the Kids.
This makes snot fly out of my nose.
Yeah, yeah. Genuine snot just flew out of my nose on that one while I was trying to light a cigarette.
That was incredible. A very rare treat on this show is liquids flying out of my body, surprisingly.
So David, welcome back. Since the last time that you've been on this show,
I had you do some spots on my Tony Hinchcliffe
and current friends.
You killed.
And then I invited you on the road.
And I mean, I don't know why I was surprised,
but your level of intensity in giant theaters
was so incredible that I had you back and back again.
So you've been kind of part of this rolling crew.
Tell these people what it's like doing sold out theaters around the world with me.
That shit retarded.
Can you describe it a little bit better?
I mean because like you got to take so much time like with the jokes because you tell
the joke then it's 2,000 people, you know, with the timing.
It's great though, man, it's fun.
We having fun on the road, cracking jokes,
always giving Hans Kim shit every day, you know what I mean?
It's amazing, that's the best part to me.
Yeah, it really is.
And we also roast you a lot.
It's really-
I don't give a damn, you know.
Oh, we know.
Hans doesn't really give a damn either.
Everybody's happy to be on the ride.
That should be fun.
I took you to, we went to Cleveland and Pittsburgh
this past weekend.
And we stopped off in Youngstown, Ohio,
which is the midway point.
And you went to my mom's house.
Yeah, yeah, we hung out good over there.
A little fun fact though, I told my mom that,
who else was with us?
It was Yoni, Christie, Hans.
Cam, daddy.
And Cam, and Cam's dad
but I had I told David to wait in the car five minutes and after she let
everybody in I didn't tell her that David was coming and then I had him just
bang on the door really really hard to freak her out but she was a good spirit after she put the gun down. What did she do?
Yeah, it was unbelievably hilarious.
You got to have Youngstown Pizza,
Bellaria Uptown Pizza, and...
That ice cream was Fido.
That's Handel's Ice Cream World.
It tasted...
Famous. You've had it.
Very good, very good.
I thought it was going to taste like purple drink,
but it tasted like grape, so that was...
What's that ice cream?
We did, we got grape flavor.
You ever had purple drink?
Oh yeah.
It's good, right?
Very good.
I know you'd have had it, Dan.
You like, you from the hood, man.
I love purple drink.
Yeah, yeah.
It's delicious, I'm telling you it is.
No, I know, it is.
Yeah, yeah.
This is...
What the hell is that?
Find me in a hot tub.
Oh, no.
Oh, are you friends with them dorks?
Uh, David Lucas and David Jolly back to back.
I it's a shame because I was trying to get Cat Williams on this episode
last week, but he obviously had other things to do.
I wonder what Cat Williams would have said
about your performance here tonight, it makes me wonder.
Can't even do a full minute.
The man, they got him working the door.
Baby can't even do a damn full minute, it's a shame.
Get away from me white bitch.
God I'll be fucking,
ain't having no snow bunnies up in my shit pimping.
That's good, that's good. Oh my God, Dan Soder's new special
on the road is on YouTube now.
Please give him the full fucking Kill Tony bump.
Let these motherfuckers know.
Oh my God.
No, it's good, I see you getting better every day.
I see you at the club, you're always good.
Your material's gold.
Oh wait, that's your team.
I followed you last night.
Sorry.
I followed you last night.
Oh yeah, home?
Yeah, no. No, I mean. last night. Sorry. I followed you last night. Oh yeah, home? Yeah, nah.
Oh.
No, I mean.
All right, come on.
I'm on the open mic on the crew show.
Oh yeah, that was a hot crowd.
Yeah, they forgot you was on the stage when I left.
Oh, wow.
You're very.
I'm just fucking with you, Mark.
Don't bear me one day.
Mark feels like he's talking to the door guy
of his building right now.
I'm like, oh yeah.
He goes, yeah, it's crazy, it's raining.
Cold out.
I gotta go.
Yeah.
How's your kids?
He's alright, he's good.
Oh, you're taking care of them, that's nice.
He does not know where they are.
He in college actually, he's pretty good.
You got a kid in college?
Yeah.
What college is he going to?
Bethune-Cookman University in Daytona.
What's it called?
Bethune-Cookman University.
Bethune-Cookman.
Bethune-Cook?
Bethune-Cookman, motherfucker, you hear me Tony?
God damn.
Oh my God.
Google it, motherfucker, Bethune-Cookman.
What the fuck is that?
What is that?
What is that?
What song is that? Boom. What song is that? What is that? What is that? What is that? What song is that?
What song is that?
Boom.
You know what song that is.
I don't.
I ain't hear it.
Play it again, Brian.
You know what fucking song that is.
It's your morning alarm clock.
And by morning, I mean 1 p.m., I'm sure.
That's good.
We know you ain't contributing to the Bafoon Cook Fund.
That's good. And by morning, I mean 1 p.m., I'm sure.
We know you ain't contributing to the Bethune Cook Fund.
Why not?
You're giving him college money?
Fuck no.
I'm giving him money.
I'm giving him money.
Not Bethune.
Fuck Bethune.
Right.
I went to fam.
Fuck Bethune.
Google that shit, white people.
Bethune Cook, me university in Florida, A&M or two historically black colleges that uh, he know don't you know, huh? Oh
That's a black theon from earlier
You know, you know what I'm talking about man, it's two prestigious universities so weird here in black college
Quite the community you guys have built for yourselves
I'm doing all right.
I'm pretty good, you know what I mean?
You're doing good.
Right.
You're doing just fine.
Yup, between G-O-D and G-E-D, you're doing just fine.
Man, oh man, fuck you, Tony.
You're an asshole.
You're a real asshole, man.
We love you.
Incredible to have David Lucas and David Jolly back to back since he had to apologize for
doing jokes about you.
Not a lot of people know this, but this is the actual George Floyd.
He was an actor the entire time.
He's alive and well.
He's totally fine.
I was in the Bahamas.
That's what I was doing.
Yep.
Smoking weed with two-plock and shit. You know what I mean doing. Smoking weed with Tupac and shit.
Doing cocaine with Elvis, you know the usual shit.
Absolutely, gang violence indeed.
You know the vibes.
Alright Theon, that's enough talking while the show's going on.
It's not a movie theater.
Hey, hey relax, he gonna kick y'all out.
I'm telling y'all, you gonna be outta here.
Yeah, what is this, Medea goes to a comedy show?
Relax, bro.
This is incredible.
Bacon soda!
David Jolly, you're a sensation.
What can I say?
Everybody loves you, you're a cold-blooded killer.
I love y'all too, man. What else, David?
Yeah, yeah.
Appreciate it.
David Jolly.
All right, we keep moving along.
We started a little late.
We're gonna go a little bit longer.
Makes sense for your next bucket pull, Alex Hobson, everybody.
Alex Hobson is next on Killtoni.
Such fun interviews.
Whoa!
Makes some noise for Alex Hobson, everyone.
Hey, everybody.
I hope they're all in a good mood tonight.
I have a, that's a good thing, that's a good thing.
I have, I've been in Texas for two whole weeks
and I'm absolutely loving it.
I'm on a road trip from Canada
and a lot of things are similar.
For example, the proud patriotic animal of Canada
is the beaver.
So that's one thing that we have in common with Texas,
which is nice, because the proud animal symbol of Texas
is also a beaver.
That beaver's name is Bucky.
He is incredibly popular.
Adults love him. Kids love him.
Very popular guy.
All right, folks, keep having a great night.
That's my time, thanks.
Wait a second, Alex.
First of all, you're the happiest angry-looking guy
I've ever seen in my life.
I'm not sure what to make of this.
It's so fun to see Santa on his off hours, though.
There he is.
Santa on his off hours though. There he is.
Damn dude, that set was ZZ Stop.
Yeah, you're like a gay wizard.
Yeah, Alex, what is going on here exactly?
What are you?
That's your first time doing stand up, correct?
It is my eleventh time tonight.
Eleventh time tonight? What does that mean to you exactly? What does
what does tonight mean? Or what does 11th time mean? It means I've done I've done
open mics up in Canada but only a few. Oh, your 11th time tonight. Yeah, yeah that's what I thought he meant too.
He can travel the whole world in one night.
He can travel the whole world in one night. Yeah.
Yeah.
It is very Santa-like, except he slays sometimes.
This was more, oh dear.
So Alex, you've done stand-up 11 times total.
What do you do for a living?
What type of prison guard are you exactly?
I mark essays.
You mark essays.
Yeah.
Like, fuck you, I mark you, bro.
Yeah, that is an interesting,
what do you mean you mark essays?
Like I worked for a university, but everything's online.
So that's why I'm able to be here visiting here.
So you're a paper grader?
Yes, I am a paper grader.
Online?
Yes.
So you'll never be in a school shooting unfortunately.
Unfortunately.
How long have you been an online marker?
For quite a while, for like 12 years now.
Wow.
Basically was doing my education in stages, did you know, did an MA, and then got part way through a PhD.
Are you William Montgomery's dad?
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Okay.
You didn't answer.
That was weird.
Are you married?
What have you done with your life?
How old are you?
I am 52.
Okay, and what have you done up until this point?
What made you start stand-up so late?
Was in a marriage where freedom wasn't really available.
Tell us more about this marriage.
How long did it last?
And by the way, who was the restrictive one, him or her?
Yeah, exactly.
It looks like he's got someone chained to a radiator.
Yeah, absolutely.
No, your honor, I'm the victim of the domestic violence.
I swear.
You've got evil youth pastor energy.
Yeah.
So what happened with the marriage?
Tell us about the marriage.
It was one of those things that started out
and I thought that it was someone that was amazing and passionate and driven.
And so I said to myself, you know,
if the first night is like this, you know,
then you know what else will be good.
You know what else will be intense?
The divorce.
And it was.
How long was the marriage?
12 years.
And what was so intense about the divorce?
Just, yeah, just was married to a very passionate,
very driven, very intense person.
When you say that she's passionate,
give us some type of example of how she's passionate.
What do you mean, in the bedroom?
Yes.
Okay, what ethnicity was she?
Chinese, from China.
Whoa!
There you go, truth comes out.
The Asians holding strong on this one.
Damn, you got tiger-momed, huh?
Yes. Yeah, dude.
Was she from China?
Yes.
Ah, did she come in a box?
No, she was actually from a very wealthy Chinese family.
I met her while she was traveling.
Oh, Kim Jong-Kong.
Oh, wait, that's Korea.
That's Korea. that's Korea.
Sorry.
Wow, so the marriage ended up being just general so-so.
That's Chinese.
That's a Chinese.
I like it.
Okay.
She just egg rolled over.
Yeah.
She was like, Kung-Pow.
There was a lot of that she was abusive absolutely tell us about it come on she hit you with What did she do to you?
A lot of, mostly a lot of thrown dishes, lack of control.
China?
Yeah.
She's staring at China.
Babe, that's our good China.
I'm the good China.
I'm the good China.
My goodness.
With being betrayed by a Chinese person, it's like dang, I'm the good China. I'm the good China. I'm the good China.
My goodness, being betrayed by a Chinese person, it's like, dang, you know what I mean?
Oh.
Was she really, she was smaller than you though, right?
Like very frat, no?
Not really, no.
Like when I went to China and went to Beijing
and met her dad and her dad was a little bit taller than I am
and I'm not short.
Wow, that's crazy.
Yeah.
He was taller than you.
Yes.
Wow.
So you met her there and you took her to go, Chinese take
up?
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha.
And one of those very strange things,
we met in St. John's, Newfoundland.
So I'm from British Columbia.
We met way on the other side of Canada.
So kind of like being from Seattle and then meeting someone in New York. in St. John's, Newfoundland. So I'm from British Columbia. We met way on the other side of Canada.
So kind of like being from Seattle
and then meeting someone in New York.
And yeah.
Right, wow.
So wait, this is your sleepless in Seattle?
She just looks sleepy.
With one eye open.
So tell us more about this fucking spicy dish.
What else would she do to you?
What else?
What was like the, where did you draw the line exactly?
Where did you build your great wall?
What were the pepper steaks in the sand?
Yeah.
When did the wontons of fun end?
So stupid.
What were the highs and low mains?
What were the highs and low mains? Yeah.
When did she become an unfortunate cookie?
Was she spy ballooning on you?
Yeah.
No more Mr. Rice Guy.
When did you know you were a gong?
Yeah.
Did you jump on the old Panda Express
and get out of there, you know what I mean?
Did she start COVID?
Sorry.
If she could have, she would have.
Got it, got it. Wow.
Look at that.
My goodness, she was in the Airborne division.
All right.
So 12 years, what was the final, what was the last straw?
Even though they don't really put straws in the to-go bags if you order a cake.
All right.
You're trying to shoehorn these Chinese jokes.
I really thought you were gonna say,
what was the last straw hat?
But I didn't know.
Oh, there you go.
That is the one, that's called punch up right there.
There you go, that is the one. That's called punch up right there. There you go.
That is correct.
OK, basically watch to go from passionate and spontaneous
into passionate, spontaneous, and violent.
And just try to keep everything as comfortable as I could
for the sake of the kids.
How many kids?
Two kids.
OK, lucky numbers, two.
17.
All right.
Okay. You're saying she went from sweet to sour?
I am.
There you go.
Absolutely.
One more, one more.
Absolutely.
No doubt about it.
I like it, I like it.
Okay.
So have you been with another woman since then?
Yeah, I actually went
because I went from someone who was very thin,
where we didn't have a lot in common,
where every conversation things were something different.
You got a fat bitch now.
Yeah!
Someone from very close, grew up on a ranch like I did, you know.
Grew up on a ranch and a thousand island by the looks of things.
Indeed, indeed.
Count it.
My goodness gracious.
So you found a woman and are're going to settle down with her?
Yeah, things are happier.
You guys are calmer.
Yeah.
You guys Netflix and chill?
Absolutely.
You guys are into that.
What do you watch?
Love on the Spectrum?
Yeah, that's clever.
We definitely do that.
And now I finally watch a lot of stand up.
OK, very cool.
Absolutely. Well, Alex. Very cool, absolutely.
Well, Alex, thank you so much.
Fun times, your 11th time ever on stage.
Here's a little joke book for you.
I need more jokes.
Yeah.
You tried your best.
I like your style.
You were honest in the interview.
That goes a long way.
Alex Hobson, everybody.
Okay.
All right, we're getting through it.
Let's make this the last bucket pull of the night.
That seems to make sense.
Make some noise for your final comedian of the night,
Brandon Batik, everybody.
Brandon Batik.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I just turned 25, which sucks,
because I feel like I look like I killed a guy in the 70s.
It's been lonely, man.
I tried my hand at OnlyFans the other day.
It's cool.
It's his website where people post nudes, but to see the nudes, you have to pay a subscription
fee.
I was on this goth girl's account.
I look at her price, $25 a month.
It's like, really?
Girls out here competing with HBO Max?
Are you fucking kidding me, man?
Like, listen, I bet your pussy's good, but it's not the Sopranos.
Let's be real.
Get a writer's room and an anime adaptation.
Then we'll talk, but I'll just stick with the centerfolds
for now.
I was using the bathroom before this.
I hate using urinals, man.
Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is
that people can see my back as I masturbate?
Stores. I'm Brandon Batik. Thank you guys.
Brandon Batik. Hi Brandon. Welcome to the show.
How's it going? Your first time on, right? Yeah, yeah. Big fan. Welcome.
Hell yeah. How long have you been on stand up? Two years. Okay. Where are you from?
Worcester. Worcester, Massachusetts. Do you live here now
or are you visiting? I've been living here for a week now.
Oh, one week.
How's it been going for you?
Tell us about your week in Austin, Texas.
Fucking sucks.
Why does it suck?
I live above the lodge.
It's the bar down the street.
Because I was looking for, I'm currently unemployed
and it sucks, man.
Between the hours of 3 p.m. And 2 a.m. If you lay on my floor you just vibrate
Right. Yeah, you got a place above a bar. Yeah. Yeah, and then the water sucks you shower and you're just dirtier, you know, it's
The worst hell yeah
Incredible. So what do you do for work? I know you're
unemployed right now but what are you looking for? So I actually in in
Massachusetts I worked at a record store for two years as you can tell. That's crazy.
Yeah. Looking at maybe where I had like Waterloo or something. Yeah. Yeah. You
think you're gonna get a job there? I think so.
Just based off, you're going to be like, look at me.
Based off my smell, you know?
Right.
OK.
OK.
So what types of things do people
that work at record stores actually know?
They know how to roll a joint.
That's confirmed all the time.
Blunts, joints, the business side not so much.
They never tend to know how to run a business.
Yeah, incredible.
25 years old, vinyl has never even been a thing
since you've been alive.
Literally, Bluetooth forever.
Yeah.
Right, OK.
I was born past the CD era.
Yes, yeah, no doubt about it. This is one of them, Red Band. Half your age. Right, okay. I was born past the CD era.
Yes, yeah, no doubt about it.
This is one of them, Red Band.
Half your age.
Half your age, that's what it looks like.
It looks like the same age, it's incredible.
You look like you've been hiding in the Jew tunnels.
Yeah. Yeah.
So.
Are you Jewish?
No.
What are you?
I have an Albanian.
Oh.
God-worshipping Jews is what they are, folks.
I do believe.
You Catholic?
Used to be.
But then what happened?
I diddle.
I found Satan. Whoa. okay. I'm an atheist.
Okay, it's a little black hole son for you. Okay, so tell us something interesting
about your life, Brandon. We get it, you're 25, you work in a record store, but you
don't. You're into Satan like they all are.
Right.
Interesting fact, when I was a kid,
I used to breed a betta fish, the Chinese fighting fish.
Yes, yeah, our last comedian was married to one.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He was a betta cuck fish.
Yeah.
He was a beta cuckfish. Yeah.
Ha ha ha.
["Badger's Theme"]
Killing it on the jet ski.
So, other than raising beta fish as a child,
is there anything else that we might be surprised
to know about you, Brandon Batten?
I did fencing for 10 years.
Whoa.
Yeah.
Really?
Putting up that border wall?
Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh, I see, I see? Sword. Oh, I see, I see.
I'm white.
I see, I see.
I see, sword.
Actual fencing.
Okay, I'm starting to figure this out.
It's starting to make sense.
Rich parents.
Middle class.
That's what rich parents,
people with rich parents say.
He's trying to hide the fact
that his father is Rob Zombie.
This is Josh Zombie, the son of...
His government name is Michael Zombie.
He's like Marilyn Hansen.
I love it.
What does your father do for a living?
He sold car insurance.
Actually, he digs through the ditches
and burns through the riches.
Going in the back of a truck in the back.
That's at night.
Yeah.
Brandon Batik, a decent set.
Welcome to Austin.
Welcome to the Killtoni universe.
There goes Brandon Batik, everybody.
Quick one for him tonight.
And that brings us to that undeniable moment in the show
where only one thing in the world can possibly happen.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you
Killtony Hall of Famer and record holder
for all time sets and interviews
with a brand new minute yet again.
The Memphis Strangler,
the Tijuana Tarantula,
the St. Louis Laredo Lady Killer,
the Vanilla Gorilla,
the Big Red Machine,
this is indeed William Montgomery
with a brand new minute.
Oh my goodness, it's him. Oh my goodness, it's him. Oh my goodness, it's him.
Oh my goodness, it's him.
Oh my goodness, it's him.
Oh my goodness, it's him.
Everybody says dogs are racist, but mine's actually homophobic.
I tried to take my dog to San Francisco, and she said, and I quote,
Either bored me or euthanized me.
47-year-old Russian op-ed, and I quote, either board me or euthanize me. 47 year old Russian opposition leader Alexei Navalny
was recently found dead in prison.
Russian officials said he died from sudden death syndrome,
which is kind of weird because I didn't even realize
he knew Hillary Clinton.
This is a really weird rumor,
but I just heard the Alia plane crash happen
because the pilot tried to ghost ride the whip.
Okay, that's my time.
Thank you.
Wow.
Doing it like only he can do it, ladies and gentlemen.
William lights out Montgomery with another super topical set
mixed in with an Alea Plank crack.
Unbelievable. I love it.
You cover the death of the, uh, what was it, the journalist.
Yeah, Alexi Navalny.
I mean, it's really crazy how Hillary Clinton really
has reached her tentacles even to the far reaches
of our planet Earth.
I mean, I'm almost a little worried to even talk
about her fucking old ogre looking fucking ass right now.
Because I'm worried, Tony.
I'm worried about myself.
Today, I was watching.
I was at my perch.
And I was watching this homeless man
go through the garbage can for a couple hours
and I finally got up the nerve to get a bag of trash
that I just made and I went out there
and I started talking to him in this really aggressive
southern accent, just trying to scare his ass.
Are you just looking in a mirror all right all right but yeah yeah
I was what you do you kill him no but I did go back out there I got my pocket knife and I went back out there because he was still out there and I
said, you can go through the shit, just clean it all up.
And when I get back, I had to leave somewhere.
When I get back, all the shit's still on the ground.
So I go up to him and I'm like, hey, are you going to clean all this shit up?
What are you going to, are you leaving it there?
And then I was like, have fun on the streets.
And my freaking, I got in trouble. My girlfriend heard me say that and she was like, have fun on the streets. And my freaking, I got in trouble.
My girlfriend heard me say that and she was like,
you seemed okay, but then when you said have fun
on the streets, she took offense to that.
So maybe I shouldn't have said that.
But he started coming at me, Tony.
And I ran up the stairs of my apartment like a little bitch
because I didn't want to have a confrontation,
but he came at me.
For those of you, let me just,
I just want to let you know why Red Band and I are holding
back laughter right now deeply,
because all the stuff that William talks about
tends to be, you know, I don't want to give away
the K-Fabe and the beauty of the show,
but you know, it's not always real with William.
You know, the sponsorship,
some of the things that he says and does.
But when it comes to the living neighbor of his neighborhood, William Montgomery, everything
that you hear is real. So when he's saying that he's going to build an escalator in his
apartment, not true, right? But when he's talking about seeing things outside of his
window or sitting on his perch, these are the things he's talking about seeing things outside of his window or
sitting on his perch, these are the things that he talks about in the green
room before a show in a theater. These are the things he talks about on an
airplane at fancy restaurants at Mitzi's after an episode of Kill Tony when
everybody's talking about thriving and the future arenas, he goes, this fucking neighbor, like it's like a real thing.
So this story,
the reason why red bands dying of laughter is because we know that that
actually happened today. It did.
The only thing I don't believe is the girlfriend that part stood out to me.
What would you have guessed?
Or what would you say?
Like a boyfriend?
Or what would you...or just by myself?
Yeah, I assume you're in a trailer rotting away.
I was eating Butterfingers this weekend in two bites.
I was getting...
Whoa.
Yeah, I mean, I ate like five of them.
I had the munchies so bad on Saturday night.
Oh yeah, a little weed?
Yes, smoking a little weed and yeah,
I ate five Butterfingers in 10 bites.
Nice.
That's an accomplishment.
That's solid stats.
Yeah.
Good numbers.
Are you talking about the actual full-size Butterfinger
or are you going bite size here?
No, full size.
Not king size, but regular size. You weren't choking on the Butterfinger or bite size here? No, full size. Not corn size, but regular size.
You weren't choking on the Butterfinger?
No, I mean, if I can get half of it in my mouth,
I can literally, with a little push,
you can get it down my throat.
Because literally, you don't get as full
if you're just kind of forcing it down your throat.
And I really wanted to eat Butterfingers.
I was having a bad time during one of the sets.
All the sets went good at Spokane,
but the first Friday I see these two pieces of shit
sitting in the very front,
and they immediately position their phone
where it looks like it's recording me, which is fine,
but then halfway through in real time,
I'm thinking they're recording me, I'm bombing.
So I'm having this whole inner monologue thing
during the set, so it's a disaster in my eyes.
I think it was fine for everybody else,
but it was scary, Tony, it was horrible. So what's a disaster in my eyes. I think it was fine for everybody else, but it was scary Tony.
It was horrible.
So what did you do?
Did you acknowledge the phone?
I didn't, but I was acknowledging everybody else.
I was calling everybody else a bitch
and going really aggressively after everybody,
but I was too scared because I thought if I'm wrong.
How could a phone be positioned to look like it's recording?
Was it flat on the table?
It was positioned up on something with the speaker part
where closest to me.
So I mean, that means they were recording me.
Yeah, you didn't think about saying anything?
That's too much of a pussy, man.
I mean, that's why it killed me earlier
with that homeless dude.
I should have got my fucking knife out
and really finally showed somebody who's boss.
Because Tony, I swear, all I talk about strangling so much,
there's a side of me that really wants to start strangling
or something.
So tonight could have been my chance.
I probably could have gotten away with it.
What I don't understand, William, what I don't understand...
Pfft.
You think that's funny, you dumbass?
You'd be the first person I fucking got.
And everybody would think you just had a fucking heart attack
or something, dumbass.
Except for all the calm everywhere.
If you were to choke me.
There you go, he trapped you.
He trapped you into bombing just then.
Yeah.
Okay, so.
So what I don't understand is, you know,
I see you here all the time,
I take you on the road all the time,
you're always crushing.
How is it possible that at your own show,
where people are specifically buying tickets
to William Montgomery, why do you feel like you were bombing?
How does that happen?
No, I don't think I actually was, just in my head,
I'm thinking that's happening, so it's, I don't know.
I don't think it was actually happening.
I think it was actually going okay.
Oh, okay, well there you go.
It was okay.
What about a special? Are we gonna have a,
are we gonna get like a special on YouTube from you soon?
Yeah, we'll see.
I mean, it's taken me a freaking Coon's age
to come up with 45 minutes.
Oh, I don't believe you're allowed to be able to,
I don't think.
No, no, with the beard.
It's taken me a while.
It's taking me a while. It's taking me a while.
It clears.
It clears.
How long is a, what you said?
How long is that length of time?
I guess maybe we should ask John Dees or D Madness.
Okey dokey.
You know, actually that reminds me, I think we have something for D-Madness, don't we?
Can we bring that out now?
Would that be crazy to do that?
This is kind of improvised.
Just grab it right now and then we'll do that.
So William, is there anything you're passionate about this week?
Have you been eating your all fiber brand buds?
I did earlier today and actually in Spokane I had the best pancakes I've ever had in my life.
I've never had a pancake with not only buttermilk but also sourdough mix and with the pancakes.
It was to die for.
Okay.
I'm actually fucking kind of pumped about that.
Those in Spokane?
Yes, yes.
Is that where you learn the terminology, a Coon's age?
Yeah after one of the shows these five or six kind of scary looking white dudes came
up to me from Coeur d'Alene.
We've actually looked it up.
A Coon's age means a very long time. It is an Americanism that has fallen out of favor
and is considered offensive to many people.
Coon is a slang for raccoon, coined in the mid 1700s.
The term Coon's age was first used in the early 1800s,
and in fact, owes its origin to the folk belief
that raccoons live a long time.
Look at that not racist at all.
It's just about the long life of a little animal. There you go, even
the on's finally laughing now he's allowed to laugh for a rat cool. It is
a long believed the folk belief that raccoons are long lived. I never thought
it was racist though.
Well, I mean, well, that's racist to not think it's racist.
Actually, it's more racist to not think it's racist.
See?
All right, this segment feels like a coon.
Yeah, this is getting weird.
You're gonna see this one on YouTube and you're gonna see this one on YouTube and you're going to see this one on YouTube and
you're going to be like, Hey, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Heidi. First of all, I
haven't said anything about this tonight, but first of all, I'd like you to see how
beautifully this cake is decorated. I don't know if you can tilt that towards them without it falling off,
but at midnight it is indeed D madness is birthday everybody.
We've got a cake decorated. Uh, as you can tell,
it says happy birthday D madness on it. I don't know if you guys can see that.
on it. I don't know if you guys can see that. And I think it's only fitting that to end tonight's episode of Kill Tony, William you should lead us in singing
Happy Birthday to Dee Madness everybody.
to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, D. Madness. Happy birthday to you. Blow out the candles!
Blow out your candles, Steve Hadness.
It's right in front of you.
Blow.
Blow.
Yeah!
You got him!
And that is tonight's episode.
Make some noise for Dan Soder on the road.
Literally, right now, go for Dan Soder on the road. Literally right now
go to Dan Soder on YouTube and watch his special I want him to get the full
effects of the Kill Tony bump one more time for Dan Soder. How about one more
time for the great and powerful Mark Norman everybody.
MarkNormanComedy.com for all of his tour dates. Tuesday with stories.
We might be drunk.
Two of the best podcasts out there.
Check out Soder's podcast, Soder.
How about one more time for Jet Ski, everybody?
She's on tour.
Jet Ski Johnson, comedy.com?
JetSkiJohnson.com.
Fuck yeah.
The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in.
It's absolutely stunning.
Thank you to Squarespace, Shopify,
Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster.
Let's see the drawing from Chris Rogers.
Oh, Cam and David Jolly.
Unbelievable.
How about one more time for the band?
Terrell Shahid.
Michael Gonzalez.
Jetsky Johnson, John Dees,
one more time for the birthday boy, D Madness.
Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com, love you guys.
Congratulations to JP Hinsdale joining us at the Kia Forum.
Still some tickets left for Madison Square Garden.
We will see you guys soon, we love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Yeah The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.
Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you