KILL TONY - #658 - JOE ROGAN + TUCKER CARLSON + JIM NORTON

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hickman! Huh? Yeah! Mama, you made it! Make some noise for God damn Red Band right here. Oh shit, we're in it tonight. You did it.

Starting point is 00:01:06 You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Game Time, Skylight Frame, Draft Kings, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, and Gel Blaster. And we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. How about one more time for the fucking band, huh? And you guys watching at home don't know this, but sometimes we have special guests swing by

Starting point is 00:01:42 and do unbelievable music appearances, because this is Austin, Texas, the live music comedy capital of the world. And how about one more time what you guys saw? Winona Judd is in the house tonight, everybody. Absolute fucking goddess of rock and roll. An unbelievable performance. I got shivers from that.

Starting point is 00:02:03 Chills. Chills to the absolute bones. And amazing stuff. You never know what's gonna happen here. Highly recommend checking out the show live. Did you guys have fun yet already, huh? Before we start tonight's podcast, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors

Starting point is 00:02:20 that made it all possible. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. I go to Planet Fitness. Get started for $1 down and then only $15 a month. Offer ends April 12th. $49 annual fee applies. See Home Club for details. Crypto is like finance, but different. It doesn't care when you invest, trade or save. Do it on weekends or at 5 a.m. or on Christmas Day. At 5 a.m. crypto is finance for everyone, everywhere, all the time

Starting point is 00:03:25 Kraken see what crypto can be not investment advice crypto trading evolves risk of loss Kraken's registration details at kraken.com slash legal slash CA dash PRU dash disclaimer who's ready to have the best goddamn time of their lives you're in it tonight this is just one of those fucking episodes where everything is perfect. It's just fucking perfect. The machine gets to breathe, and no one possibly better is tonight's guest. I love this man.

Starting point is 00:03:55 He's been on the show many times before. One of the best comedians in the world, one of the best right now, one of the best ever, and we're gonna have so much fucking fun. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Jim Norton. Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:04:11 Yeah! Fuck yeah! Bam! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Starting point is 00:04:20 Woo! Woo! Yeah baby! Welcome back, Jim. Thank you. Such a goddamn pleasure to have you. I love it. One of the fucking greats.

Starting point is 00:04:30 Thank you. A true fucking killer. New Yorker, Nicky and Jim NYC on YouTube. Their new podcast, Sword Fight. Tickets available. One of the great live comedians in the world, jimnorton.com. So check them out. And Jim, you know how it works.

Starting point is 00:04:44 A bunch of fucking souls signed up for the opportunity. Probably, how many tonight, Yoni? Ballpark? 200? Yeah, somewhere around there always. 230, Jesus fucking Christ. This shit is getting out of control. A lot of these people moving here,

Starting point is 00:05:00 some of the best up and coming, promising talents moving here, some people literally lying that they've prepared for this just to hopefully get famous. And they annoy me. And I try to figure out a way to make them uncomfortable for signing up for a show built around comedians trying to make it. But you know how it works.

Starting point is 00:05:20 They get 60 seconds and then you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and that interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We learn more about them, stuff that's good, stuff that they could talk about, stuff that they should never do again.

Starting point is 00:05:36 Anything can happen. You guys ready to start the show? So I go to the bottom of the bucket. I pre-pull a name. they go get them from across the street while that person's being wrangled. I present to you the newest regular on Killtony, a very esteemed position which guarantees fucking fame and ticket sales for the rest of their lives. This guy's an absolute phenom, ladies and gentlemen, a force of nature. Unbelievable fucking gift from the comedy gods. I present to you a brand new 60 Seconds

Starting point is 00:06:11 from the crab man himself, the one and only Casey Rockett. I'm feeling dangerous tonight, boys. I might fuck around and give a moose a muffin in this motherfucker who's with me, huh? Might fuck around and give a mouse a cookie. All right, cool. Hell yeah. Get lost. Come on. All right, dud. That was a dud harmonica. Tony, I'm starting over. All right.

Starting point is 00:06:56 Ha ha ha ha. Can't riff during the minute. Come on now. Get lost. All right, cool. So dangerous. Biden hates to see it. Oh, God. Hey, Biden, I got six words for you, sweetheart. Let me check the White House for ghosts. Okay, cool.

Starting point is 00:07:12 Uh, do you have to? I, uh, get lost, lock the bathrooms. I, uh, nobody's pissing. Still riffing, okay, cool. I, uh, I used to do weird combinations of drugs when I was a teenager. Like, I'd drink a bunch of Tuss, Robitussin, and I would,

Starting point is 00:07:31 I'm America's Robitussin comedian, and I would, I'd drink a bunch of Tuss, and then I'd take a bunch of Adderall, too, so I'd be focused, but I'd be focused on the wrong shit. You know what I mean? Scribbling in a notebook, like, what if worms could scream? All right, thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:07:47 Amazing. I get it. Right on brand. Complete chaos. I love to see it. Jim, what do you think about the great Casey Rockett? I love him. I worked with you this last night.

Starting point is 00:08:01 You did two shows. And the energy is crazy, but the jokes are good. Like a lot of guys mask bad jokes with energy and your jokes are great like really funny and great writing oh thanks man I just enjoy watching you a lot you're really funny 100% agree a lot of a lot of interesting new perspectives lock the bathrooms it's, because if you did that, you would be locking people in and out at the same time. It would create, within minutes,

Starting point is 00:08:30 there would be chaos down there. Just the way I wanted. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever put the microphone stand somewhere and said, no, it actually should stay there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it feels better said, no, it actually should stay there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it feels better to, yeah, have it in motion,

Starting point is 00:08:48 kinetic energy. You guys know kinetic energy. Yeah, just have it. It's good to stay in motion. It helps me be fluid, whatever that means. But yeah, just keep moving. Keep moving, keep being brave. It felt weird to...

Starting point is 00:09:04 It was weird to actively kind of improvise a little bit in the minute, because I was like, oh, I probably have 10 seconds left, and I was like... Yeah, Tuss comic, and I was like, oh, trying to get back to it. So... Not only does he move the microphone a lot,

Starting point is 00:09:20 he also moves the stool a lot. He jumps over the stool, things like that. And I had only seen him here in this room and in the Little Boy, which has about the same size stage, and I took him to open up for me in a massive theater a few weeks ago. And I realized that he uses all of the stage that he's given

Starting point is 00:09:39 no matter what. That's where I learned that. A crab at 45 miles an hour sideways like that, and then back, never losing sight of the crowd, staying square the entire time. The harmonica toss, I didn't know someone could toss a harmonica 40 yards behind them like that while telling jokes. Everything was bigger.

Starting point is 00:09:59 I wouldn't have guessed that about him, but he might use more stage than any comedian I've ever seen before. Well, I was amazed too. Coming out, I was like, I mean, I think you're really funny, but I was like, oh, please let him knock the drums over. I thought that would be so fucking great. But you moved well in this space.

Starting point is 00:10:15 You don't overuse what you have. So yeah, very impressive. You're very aware of your surroundings. Thank you. Yeah, I try to be, yeah, it's a heat signature thing. I try to keep the, it's like a velociraptor. You know how they say, uh, fighter jets? It's not, you know how they say fighter jets?

Starting point is 00:10:31 They, um, it's not about where they are. It's about where they aren't. So... That's kind of what I operate on, so... F-15 rules, so... Yeah. Wow. I've actually never heard that about fighter jets, but I F-15 rules, so. Yeah. Wow. I've actually never heard that about fighter jets,

Starting point is 00:10:47 but I believe it when you said it. I don't know, I heard that one time. Okay. I also never heard of it. It is incredible. You have a real knack at making up references that perhaps have never existed before. Is looking for ghosts at the White House

Starting point is 00:11:02 something you've always wanted to do, or is this just with this new administration? Ha ha. BELL RINGS Yeah, another one. The undertaker walks out. I, uh... Yeah, it's something, it's definitely piqued my interest

Starting point is 00:11:17 the last few years I've been getting more into ghost hunting. I, uh... We all, we contain dualities, right? Multiplicities, dualities. Plato talked about this. Uh, yeah. The philosopher. The toy, not the philosopher. The philosopher, not the food.

Starting point is 00:11:32 I, uh... He, uh... I just got KC rocketed right in the face. That was incredible. Bam. Oh, I just got KC rocketed right in the face. That was incredible. Bam. I, uh, but I'm a complicated guy and it's funny to bring that up in the context of hunting

Starting point is 00:12:03 ghosts. I, uh, but Wynonna Judd was out here earlier, and I wrote a song, and I would love to sing the song that I wrote. Oh, wow. We've never had Casey do a song before. This is very exciting. I have to... It's a short song,

Starting point is 00:12:16 so it's kind of like a country song. I don't know. Do you know what you want? Like a... It's a little, it's like... Do, so don't laugh. It's really serious. Okay. There comes a time in every woman's life where she's gotta make a choice The future seems so far from now, sitting in this little one-horse town But I know I gotta find my voice

Starting point is 00:13:34 I'm sitting here staring at the phone, praying how far can a quarter go till I lose my voice? I've got regrets and I told you so. Now I'm sitting here in the waiting room And I don't want to see you go How far can a quarter go? Thank you, that's the only thing I said, but it's pretty good. It's pretty good. Pretty exciting. It's my first time singing your song. My first time singing your song, right First time singer-songwriter, so...

Starting point is 00:14:05 Pretty good. Not that bad. Pretty good. Okay. Oh, my... Oh, my... It went really... It went really good, I think. I think it went really good. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:23 I love that you're your own music critic. How fucking a quarter go? That was good, that was really good. That was your favorite song of the year. The question that's on all our minds. How far can a quarter go? It's like, I don't wanna explain too much about it, but it's like, can this quarter take you back

Starting point is 00:14:46 to what you once had, like, at a payphone? So that's about... Thank you. Oh, God. Oh, Wynonna Judd has something she wants to say up there. Hold on. Here she is. Everybody's silent. Wynonna Judd. Uh-oh. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:14:59 Oh, shit! He just got signed to a record deal. Oh, my God. Oh, shit! He just got signed to a record deal! Oh my God! Oh my God! Winona Judd just made a new Winona bud. Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Casey, you convinced her that it was great with your... That was good, that was good.

Starting point is 00:15:25 She's not gonna help you, she's just showing you what you can do with a quarter. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:15:33 Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Casey, you're a goddamn superstar. We love you so much. So much fun. Thank you. There he goes, the great Casey Rockets, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you guys.

Starting point is 00:15:43 Thank you. And like that, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, it has begun. No one starts a show quite like Casey Rocket. And now we switch over to the bucket, where anything can happen. We're going to meet some new people here. Make some noise for John Condolick,

Starting point is 00:15:57 with 60 seconds uninterrupted. John Condolick, everybody. Come on. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, Mm-mm. Fuck yeah, mothership. How's it going, everybody? Goddamn right. How's your wig been? Mine's been all right.

Starting point is 00:16:13 The other day, someone said that I had resting youth pastor face. audience laughter Little bit about me. I'm an amputee missing three and a half of my fingers. Totally cool to laugh. Last to bet. Fuck yeah. What happened? Well, like my birth, it was an accident, so...

Starting point is 00:16:32 At least with that accident, someone came, so I'm just saying, fuck yeah. I actually got a pretty good deal because I got three and I got one half off, so tell your fucking friends. Hell yeah, dude. I put the armed in armed forces, you know what I'm saying? Because I'm a man of my word. because I got three and I got one half off, so tell your fucking friends. Hell yeah, dude. I put the armed in armed forces,

Starting point is 00:16:48 you know what I'm saying? Because my hand looks like a gun and the state of Texas at the same fucking time, so... The great state of fucking Texas. Whoo! Whoo! So fucking laugh. Guys, I'm John Kondulik. Thanks so much. Yeah, John Kondulik.

Starting point is 00:17:09 Very fun minute. Great set. There's something about you. I can't quite put my fingers on it. Jim, what do you think about this? Tony, seriously, give him the hand. Fuck yeah, dude. Incredible. John, I would give you knuckles, Give him the hand. Fuck yeah dude, incredible. Sean, I would give you knuckles, but... Wicked bones it.

Starting point is 00:17:32 Fuck yeah. Oh yeah, you can do that. How did you lose them? Well, I got fourth degree burns actually. Fireworks. No. I had my hand in cement and there was a makeup accident for a film and I was actually playing a guy who gets his fingers cut off and I just take method acting way too seriously.

Starting point is 00:17:54 Oh my God. Oh wow. I'm coming after you Daniel Day fucking look up. So they use the wrong materials and they basically use something called Ultra Cal 30 which is basically like a cement and so I had a chemical burn and I got fourth degree burns which is charred bone and my veins were destroyed, joints were destroyed, everything was destroyed, they couldn't save them, we were in the, oh we, I was in the hospital for like weeks and they just eventually were like we got to

Starting point is 00:18:21 amputate. What happened here was this directed by Alec Baldwin? What exactly? Yeah. This is a crazy movie. What kind of movie was this? Idle Hands? What movie was this? What was this for? It was for a student project, actually.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Oh, no. Oh, no. Boom. Oh, my god. It gets worse. It gets worse. Tell us more. The filmmakers, they were foreign exchange students.

Starting point is 00:18:46 Didn't speak English at all. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. It was crazy. And you know what's even crazier? Technically, Quentin Tarantino's responsible for this. Tell us more. I know. So... I think I saw this. Kill fingers?

Starting point is 00:19:03 The hateful three. Yeah. That's... Got him. Got him. Oh, my God. Fuck yeah. So if you're not familiar,

Starting point is 00:19:13 Quentin Tarantino made a movie called Four Rooms. Are you familiar? Yes, very much so. Fuck yeah. So in his segment, there were four different stories, four different directors. In his story, he was doing basically that story. You have to light your lighter so many times,

Starting point is 00:19:29 if you fuck up, you get the chop. They did that beat for beat. They just basically stole the beats. And I met Tarantino at the store and I got, I was, don't meet your heroes when you're high on edibles. Yeah. So I told him that and he was losing his goddamn mind. And I'm like...

Starting point is 00:19:49 So wait, how does the final scene in Four Rooms apply to your thing? They ripped it off completely, beat for beat. So they were doing the exact same story. I was the guy lighting the lighter and getting the chop. But we never got to filming because we were doing the makeup prep and they fucked up there. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:20:08 It's okay. Did you immediately know like the second your hand was in there was a problem? No, no. So it was just like, I thought it was like silicone or I'm not silicone, like plaster, but it was not. So it was just mushy wet stuff.

Starting point is 00:20:21 And then a few moments later, it started getting a little bit lukewarm. But as soon as that happened, it skyrocketed in heat. And I jumped up, and oh, by the way, when I was telling Tarantino this, I'm like, yeah, I'm glad this happened. It happened for a reason, and one of the reasons was there was another actress there.

Starting point is 00:20:38 She showed up late, and she put her whole hand in, and it went up to her wrist, and so she would have lost it, but as soon as I jumped up screaming, like, good God, it's fucking burning me, she pulled it out and she was safe. So thank God for that. That's a blessing. Did she at least give you a hand job? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:55 So... She owes you one, dude. 100%. She fucking owes you one. Or you could finger blast her with whatever that is right there The old fucking click monster right there Look at that thing I like to tickle him a little bit and make him laugh

Starting point is 00:21:16 The old double thumb Hell yeah The old fucking mouse pad you got right there The old fucking Wow Call that the nub rub That's the fucking nub rub Oh my God The old fucking mouse pad you got right there. The old fucking... Wow. Call that the nub rub. That's the fucking nub rub.

Starting point is 00:21:27 Oh my God. Careful, dude. We might start an OnlyFans page. That's incredible. She's gonna call it her handyman. Fuck yeah, dude. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 00:21:37 What a nice guy, by the way. The positive you find in it is that she was okay. She was okay. To me, that would have been the negative. Like, if only that bitch put her hand in first, I'd be fucking fine. It's layered. It's multi-layered. So I'm glad it happened. So that was a silver lining.

Starting point is 00:21:51 Thank God for that. But if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have got hired at this independent film studio. If I hadn't worked at that independent film studio, I wouldn't have met my wife. If I hadn't met my wife, I wouldn't have started comedy. If I hadn't started comedy, I wouldn't have ended up at the store meeting Tarantino, and I wouldn't be here

Starting point is 00:22:06 in front of all you guys at fucking Killtoning. Amazing. Amazing. Oh, my God. Full circle, you know? Did the film get finished? Nope. Fuck no. That was just like, brus. We didn't do it like Russ. We stopped shooting. We didn't...

Starting point is 00:22:21 Dunzos, they fled the fucking country. Sure. I bet. So if you've seen some Koreans, like, yay, hi, with, like, three and a half fingers, point them out. Wow. Are you right-handed? Yes.

Starting point is 00:22:37 That's good. That's good. Yeah. At least it looks nice, too. Like, that's a nice guy. Thanks, dude. Yeah. And he had a great story. It is cool. It's a great story. Yeah. It's not bad. guy. Thanks, dude. Yeah. And he had a great story. It is cool. It's a great story.

Starting point is 00:22:46 Yeah, it's not bad. No one notices either, because everyone thinks I'm like making a fist. You know what I mean? Like, the fucking producers backstage, they didn't notice, and I shook their fucking hand. The bartenders out on Sixth Street, they put change in my hand, and it fucking rolled off. How far can a quarter go? -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That was fine. That was fine. Tony, no one ever wants to play rock, paper, scissors with me ever. You know what I'm saying? I bet.

Starting point is 00:23:27 They're just like rock, paper, scissors and they're like, what the fuck is that? Yeah. Hatchet. Whatever I want it to be, man. I fucking win. So it fucking pays to look like the butler from Scary Movie 2. That's all I'm fucking saying.

Starting point is 00:23:40 Let me use my good hand. Oh, I can see it. So how long you been doing standup, John? Two and a half years. And where at? LA. LA. Oh, I can see it. So how long you been on stand-up, John? Two and a half years. And where at? LA. LA. Yeah, I just drove up. You can make a logo with your hand.

Starting point is 00:23:50 Yeah. Yeah. It's a reversal. We literally just got in here at 6.30. OK. In time for sign-ups. And what do you do for work? How do you make a living?

Starting point is 00:24:00 So for living, I've been in the film industry for 13 years, and I edit movie trailers for a living. Oh, okay. Well, your fingers also hit the cutting room floor. That's incredible. That's amazing. That's good.

Starting point is 00:24:11 I like that. Any trailers we would recognize or anything? No, it's a lot of $5 million movies, like the kind of stuff that you see straight to, like have you seen any Aaron Ackhart action movie? Yeah, no one has. So it's shit like that. Okay.

Starting point is 00:24:26 It doesn't make me happy anymore. Comedy makes me happy and I've been pulling back. Right, pulling back. So what's your love life like? Lot of fisting. Yeah. Not great. Yeah, mainly because my wife

Starting point is 00:24:41 doesn't let me have a girlfriend. Oh, you're married. Yes, sir, I'm married. Oh, I can't tell, there's not a ring on there. Yeah, I've moved it. Oh, you're married? Yes, sir, I'm married. Oh, I can't tell, there's not a ring on there. Yeah, I've moved it. Oh, you see the old switcheroo. Yeah. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:24:51 So this is, this is, this is really embarrassing. I was, I was originally gonna wear my ring on like a necklace, but I'm like, this is too like Frodo, Lord of the Rings. It's yeah, yeah. I was like, I earned this shit. I'm gonna wear it on my ring.

Starting point is 00:25:10 I just moved it over here. So I think people still, still get it, right? You still get it? Fuck yeah. I like your jacket. Don't interject the audience. Their words don't matter. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:19 Sorry, dude. He keeps like, what do you think? Like, get cool. How are you? All right. Sorry, Tony. If you see a bunch of people waiting in an elevator, will you run think? Like, get cool. How about you? All right. Sorry, Tony. If you see a bunch of people waiting in an elevator, will you run up and go, I got it?

Starting point is 00:25:29 Oh yeah. That is an amazing, it's almost more pointier than a regular pointer finger. You have no joints fluffing it up or anything. Yeah, this is just the knuckle right there. It's sharp. Wow. Has it ever come in handy?

Starting point is 00:25:40 No pun intended. No. No. No. Haven't done anything cool with it, but you know one thing I've always wanted to do? No one's ever sucked it before. Well, you're at the right place at the right time. It just so happens I'm into the freakiest shit you've ever heard of in your life. It's already hard, Tony.

Starting point is 00:26:01 I love it. It's hard. I love it. Hopefully you meet Paul McCartney. I'm sure he did. Any other special skills or talents? Yeah. I have a couple of notes here. I can lick my nose.

Starting point is 00:26:13 Yeah, because for this reason. You know the show. Yes. I can lick my own nose. My eyes can shake. I could do that. Yeah, you do the eye shaking thing? I can do that.

Starting point is 00:26:22 Yeah, it's a weird thing. Yeah. Yeah, I can do it. No, you do the eye-shaking thing? Yeah, I can do that. Yeah, it's a weird thing. Yeah, I can do it. No, you lick your nose. Whoa! Hell yeah. He can eat pussy, ladies. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:32 For those of you that absolutely have to get finger blasted with a left hand, no, this guy can eat pussy. I always finish what I eat. I'm a gentleman, so. What is the eye-shake? What is the eye-shake? The... Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:43 See it? Yeah, it's frightening. It's a frightening thing. It's a frightening thing. It's a frightening thing. What is the eye shake? The... Oh, yeah. See it? Yeah, it's frightening. It's a frightening thing. It's a frightening thing. It's a frightening thing, yeah. I learned it at school too. It's a weird thing.

Starting point is 00:26:51 I got jealous of a kid and I'm like, I want to fucking do that. And I like worked on it until I did it. Sure. And the others... Yeah, I know. Useless talents for sure. The best sure of 2024 goes to Jim Norton so far. Uh, sure.

Starting point is 00:27:07 Uh... That's a great look for a date. That's a great look. I... 100%. Uh, I have this weird ability that, um, it's a stupid superpower, but it's more like a defense mechanism. Uh, my body just shuts down if it gets too stressed, and it will just, like, I'll just

Starting point is 00:27:24 turn off and I'll just pass out. What are you, a goat? Yeah, yeah. You guys ever see goats? Yeah, that's me. Whole body just shuts down. Well, John, an amazing performance. Very fun.

Starting point is 00:27:38 Great way to start representing the Buckets. Can you catch this? 100%. Yeah! There he goes. John Condolek, ladies and gentlemen, getting the buckets started tonight. How fun, huh? Mixed a noice for John, everybody. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Game Time. Guys, I'll be honest for the first time ever. Buying tickets these days is hell on earth

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Starting point is 00:30:32 You know anything can happen here at the comedy mothership, and I think that I think that we have a very very special treat right now ladies and gentlemen I special treat right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I get to bring up two of my favorite humans on planet Earth joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tucker Carlson and Joe Rogan! I need two champs, A-Track! Holy shit! Come on in guys, yeah slide on down. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh uhhhh dinner and he's like I want to show you my new place we're standing backstage and I didn't know I was coming out so I heard my name we call that the old Post Malone right there we had to miss before we did the post Malone the same thing Tucker welcome to the show let's go front okay

Starting point is 00:32:00 luckily I'm sober yeah this one's for. Put that one back in the stand. Cool. I love it. Are all three of these working? Maybe. Okay, we're gonna... Maybe you should use this one, and I'll take that one. We're gonna get them pumping here. We're gonna get them working.

Starting point is 00:32:14 Tucker, welcome to the show. Well, thank you for having me. This is an amazing, amazing trick. By the way, that laugh is real. He does it all the time. We're gonna have fun tonight. I'm gonna grab a Zin zen if you don't mind. Yeah, hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:30 We love it. Scoot on down guys all the way as far as you possibly can so we can get some of these fucking poor souls up here. Tucker, you know how the show works? So stand up comedians over 230 signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight. I'm an unemployed talk show host, not a stand-up comedian.

Starting point is 00:32:50 So no, I have no idea how this works. We're going to watch them. And I have a sense it won't go well. No, it's going to be great, but we're going to watch them and then afterwards we give a little bit of input. It's a little free speech version of America's Got Talent, but it's just dirty stand-up comedy. I can do that. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:08 Tucker Carlson, everybody. -♪ Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum We're gonna watch 60 seconds uninterrupted. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lino Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez. And here we go. Here's Lino, everybody and I'm an ass man. Yes. Not because of the shape, but because of the smell. You know what I mean? I'm more of an aroma guy, you know? I have... I have a dimple. I think that's pretty cool.

Starting point is 00:33:59 I think dimples are the only physical deformity that will get you laid, you know? No, I never looked at my club feet and was like, yo, nigh-nigh. Come get some of this pussy. I like to look at, you know, one with scoliosis and be like, hey, little cinnamon twist.

Starting point is 00:34:17 Let me break that back some more. You know. You know. Ah. Yeah. Okay. Oh man. This is nice. Oh. Hmm.

Starting point is 00:34:29 Thank you. That's good. Hell yeah. Lino Rodriguez with his Kill Tony debut. What happened there at the end, Lino? I got excited. I got excited. I got excited.

Starting point is 00:34:37 I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. I got excited. That's good. Hell yeah. Lino Rodriguez with his Kill Tony debut.

Starting point is 00:34:45 What happened there at the end, Lino? I got excited. Yeah, that's fun. That was a fun experience. And I forgot what the fuck I was going to say. That's really the answer I was looking for there. You got excited. You're confident and you're dimple. I like that. I respect that. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I made it myself. I appreciate it.

Starting point is 00:35:06 Yeah, you look good. Thank you. You look good. Thank you. Oh, wow. There's love on this stage tonight. Lino, how old are you? I'm 27. 27. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like two and a half, three years now.

Starting point is 00:35:19 Okay. Where at? I'm originally from Mississippi. Big M's, what's up? Wow, the last comedian couldn't do that. He only had one finger to catch you up. The good one? Yeah, it was, but it was cut in half. Oh, for that? Nice.

Starting point is 00:35:40 Okay, Selena, you're from Mississippi, and then what? You were getting somewhere with that. I lived in New Orleans for a bit, you know, had some fun, got a little drunk, had a good life there. Yeah, for how long were you there for? About a year and a half. About a year and a half. What do you do for work, Lino?

Starting point is 00:35:53 I'm a security guard down at the Vulcan. Oh, wow. Yes, your ex-wife. Okay, yeah. I'm a Vulcan, my ex-wife, because I used to do shows there a lot. Yes. That's what you mean by that. Yeah, yeah, yes.

Starting point is 00:36:06 I think you forgot what you were going to say again there, Alina. Do you really have a club foot? I do. I was born with two club feet. That's awesome. Thank you. My goodness. This is quite the fucking carnival of a show I have here tonight. The deformities are growing with each bucket pull.

Starting point is 00:36:27 My goodness, the hands and feet on these people are absolutely disgusting. Yeah. Good night for cripples. So you work in security. You're 27 years old. What do you do for fun? Golf.

Starting point is 00:36:43 Golf. I'm a killer mini golf player. Yes. I like to play music. I like to hang out. What kind of music do you play? Alternative music like rockish type things. What do you do? You sing? You play guitar? What do you do? I sing and play guitar. Really? Yeah, yeah, I do. Really? Why do you say yeah like that Michael? You want to hear him play? You I want to hear him play. You want to hear him play? Do you guys want to hear him play a song? Oh, sure. Matt, you gonna let this guy borrow your guitar?

Starting point is 00:37:11 Matt likes to play hard to get. You could probably, you think you could play Matt's guitar? Sure, if you let me. Okay. I'll try, yeah. Well, yeah, he definitely has to let you. Put the mic in the mic stand there. We're gonna wrap this guitar around your fucking god damn big ass shoulders. Now D relax. D's out of control. He thinks you're gay. D is homophobic.

Starting point is 00:37:36 You relax D. You relax. Okay. D Madness was drinking Crown and Coke string the sound check at 615. D Madness was drinking Crown and Coke during the sound check at 615. Not that many knowings to try to use that. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yes, sir. D's out of control. Okay, here we go.

Starting point is 00:37:50 Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. For those of you that like... Whoo! Julio Inglésius, uh... blow-up dolls. This is, uh... This is it. You've heard of Green Day. This is Brown Day.

Starting point is 00:38:05 It looks like it's Brown Day. Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony music debut, this is Lino Rodriguez. Lino, do you want to pick, dude? No, it's okay. Thank you. All right. Fuck. Uh-oh.

Starting point is 00:38:22 It came out the strap. All right, all right. Here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here all right, here, here, here, here, here, here. We're getting somewhere. All right, fuck this. -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪

Starting point is 00:38:44 All right. Is this How Far Does A Quarter Go? This night I had a dream that you were with me. That when I woke up you were nowhere to be seen Why does my mind lie to fuck with me? You're the psychedelic princess of my dreams Do eyes ever dress those looks were made to impress? You're so beautiful, it's true. All right, all right.

Starting point is 00:39:28 Yes, it was. That's enough. That's enough. It was, yeah. You do music like you do comedy. Similar vibe. That was. Are you heavily influenced by Sublime? Yes. Yes, I was.

Starting point is 00:39:51 Yes, yes, yes. Angry and Day and all those good people. What's the name of the song? Daydreams. Did you write it? Yes. You do a lot of like, you're more like reggae style? No, that's just the one my mind came up with in the moment because I'm in front of this beautiful audience.

Starting point is 00:40:09 Yeah, and I couldn't really think of anything again. Who was that written about? This woman I met while I was doing psychedelics in Washington. Oh, great. State or DC? Yeah. Which one, state or DC?

Starting point is 00:40:24 Yeah, which year? Spokane, Spokane, Washington. Oh, hell yes, you guys were on meth? Yeah. Which one? State or DC? Oh, Spokane. Spokane, Washington. Oh, hell yes. You guys were on meth. Yeah. Yeah. That was Daniel Johnson. We were candy flipping a bit, yeah. Not letting the cops in.

Starting point is 00:40:36 Fucking hell. No, no, it was a good time. And yeah. Another fun fact about me is my dad was murdered. Whoa! Tell us more about this. What a way to bring that up. We're getting to the nitty gritty, baby. Imagine being on a date with this guy.

Starting point is 00:40:50 Man. Tell us more. This sounds great. We love this here on this show. Oh, yeah, man. My dad was murdered. He didn't really die in a cool way or anything, like getting hit by a car or dying in a submarine looking for the Titanic. It's a long setup.

Starting point is 00:41:06 Sure. You don't need to play great game music, guys. Yeah. So how was he murdered? I'll tell you something. These setups are tremendous. He got hit in the face with a vent shirt. It's a long adventure just like your grandparents took to get here.

Starting point is 00:41:24 Okie dokie. It's a illegal immigration joke. Just like your grandparents took to get here. Okey-dokey. It's a... illegal immigration joke. Not that big of a deal. How was he murdered? He got hit in the face with a baseball bat. Whoa! We have a sound effect for that.

Starting point is 00:41:39 We've been waiting. There it is. Oh, my goodness. So he never came back home run after that? No. Wow. Oh, my goodness. What was the reason? What did he do? He was a whore. He was fucking around with somebody's wife, I think.

Starting point is 00:41:57 Oh, so the guy had caught him in the back. Wow. Yeah, they were really good at that. Absolutely. They did a great job on defense. He died doing what he loved. Yeah. Yes. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:42:14 How old were you when that happened? I wasn't born yet. I was still in the womb. Oh, my God. And he was fucking somebody else while your mom was pregnant? Bingo. Yeah. Your dad rules. Yeah, he was fucking somebody else while your mom was pregnant? Bingo. Your dad rules. Yeah, he was pretty sick.

Starting point is 00:42:27 I have a sister that's three months older than me. Yeah, he got around. He had a good time in the 90s. Wow. Incredible. I guess Puerto Ricans are like contraceptives. I don't know. Yeah, you're correct about that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:46 Okey dokey. Yeah. Oh, man, this is awesome. OK. Yeah, absolutely. Well, the good news is that your dad is watching right now. He's looking up at you thinking, wow, I'm proud of my boy. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:43:02 Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, the sweet sound, symphony sounds of hell, everybody. Leaving a bunch of unborn children with the... Technically, he overdosed on crack. Is this a bat? Okie dokie. So he never got to call you little slugger, huh? No.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Oh no. The only thing... Did the guy that hit him start rounding the bases at least? Okay. All right. This is out of control. Is it crazy your dad got hit with a bat and you have club feet? Yeah. You're more of a soccer guy, I guess, huh? Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 00:43:51 Well, Lino, very good interview. I love your honesty. There's a little joke book. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Welcome to Kiltoni. There he goes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:00 You know what? We're going to get one of our Golden Tent winners up here. This guy's been saving up for a while to do a new minute in front of you. This is one of the longest standing Golden Tickle winners won it in Houston about a half a decade ago. We've watched him grow up in front of our eyes. Make some noise for the great brand new minute

Starting point is 00:44:17 from Enrique Chacon, everybody. The new minute from Enrique. -♪ -♪ -♪ Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, I got this motherfucker during COVID so I didn't have a chance to socialize him. And now he wants to kill everybody, bro. And it's an issue. He tried to bite my brother the other day, and I'm defending him against my family because he's my fucking fur baby, right?

Starting point is 00:44:52 But as I'm defending him, I'm realizing that I started sounding like a school shooter's mom, y'all. I'm sorry he hurt those people. You just got to get to know him. He's a good boy. I think it's fucked up that my dog has a dog. I'm sorry he hurt those people. You just got to get to know him. He's a good boy. I think it's fucked up that my dog has insurance and I don't. Look how much I'm sweating. Look at me.

Starting point is 00:45:14 I need all the insurance I can get. He has Allstate just in case he kills somebody. That's a grown Latino man. All I have for insurance is a Virgin Mary candle... and Vicks Vaporub. Thank you. Boom. That is the return of a golden ticket winner. The difference, the caliber of difference

Starting point is 00:45:40 between a regular bucket pull and one of the legends of Killtony, Enrique Chacon. Coming in, flexing a new minute, ending with a big applause break. Fantastic stuff. Remind us all, how long you been on standup? It's been about five years now, man. I've been doing standup.

Starting point is 00:45:57 Yeah, you were instantly likable and loved on the show. You were famously the West Hollywood Bear in the two arena episodes. The crowd went wild for you. It was fucking insane, man. We'll do it all over again. Hell, yeah. Definitely will. Um, so what is the deal? Is this true? You have a crazy dog, Enrique?

Starting point is 00:46:15 I have a crazy fucking dog at home. He's like a Pitbull-Mox Boxer mix, bro, but honestly, he's just a serial killer, bro. I don't know how to handle this motherfucker. He's nice to me and my girl, but, dude, he killed my fucking... my a serial killer, bro. I don't know how to handle this motherfucker. He's nice to me and my girl, but, dude, he killed my fucking, my favorite chicken today, bro. He killed a chicken?

Starting point is 00:46:31 I swear to God, man. I had an Andrea Yates moment, like, bro, I was ready to drown this motherfucker, dog. Oh, no. Like, I was like, yo, it's time for a bubble bath up in this bitch, you know? Like, man, this is like my best chicken, my fattest chicken producing the best eggs, you know?

Starting point is 00:46:47 Cause I live in a fucking ranch, right? But man, I don't know what to do, Tony. Wow, just kill the chicken. A whole waste of a chicken. Yeah, I couldn't even eat it. Right now, somewhere, David Lucas is crying. What's up, bro? It's fucked up, it is crazy.

Starting point is 00:47:01 Like, instinctually, like, it's, it killed the chicken, it broke its neck, but it started eating it it killed the chicken, it broke his neck, but it started eating the chicken asshole first, you know? Like... That's one fucking dirty dog you got. He's a predator. Yeah, that sounds like Jim Northam. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:15 He trained him well. He's a predator, but that sexual predator behavior, you know? Whenever he started eating the chicken's ass first, the chicken didn't go for it, and he fucking bit its neck. I mean, you would know just right. I would. I've been on both ends of it.

Starting point is 00:47:31 I love it. So you're living out there on a ranch, huh? Living out on a ranch, man. Looks like you're also living on a Thousand Island and a fucking creamy Caesar as well. I love it. I love it. I love it. Yes, I am.

Starting point is 00:47:47 Fuck ranch. It's all about blue cheese, baby. Blue cheese, bro. You got me fucked up, Tony. Oh, no, I can see. The chunky blue cheese, too, right? That's actually the name of my only fan's chunky blue cheese. Hell, yeah. Like and subscribe, bro. I recently quit my job at Bucky, so I'm over here trying to hustle up, man.

Starting point is 00:48:05 I had to, bro. I had to, man. I was wearing that beaver suit, and I kept, um... I kept getting molested by a grown man. Dude, I don't know how to say it. I kept getting molested, bro. I was wearing that beaver suit, and they were whispering in my ear, I wonder if you're a man or a woman, you know? Oh, story of my life.

Starting point is 00:48:23 I'm glad you can relate, Jim. I really am glad you can relate, man, but because of my body type, they couldn't tell, you know? Absolutely incredible. Enrique has the only, only fans that he gets paid in actual fans. He's always overheating, absolutely sweating. How old are you again, Enrique?

Starting point is 00:48:43 You are one of the unhealthiest young boys that's ever been on this show before. I'm 26 right now. 26? Yeah, 26. Have you ever talked to a heart doctor about your profuse sweating? I recently got rid of my pre-hypertension, you know?

Starting point is 00:48:56 Just started going on a few walks and I recently started doing jujitsu. Hey, fuck you! No. Fuck you, bro. I recently started taking Jiu-Jitsu classes, but I got beat by, like, this 16-year-old country boy, bro. He beat the fuck out of me, man. By the way, for those of you just listening to the podcast

Starting point is 00:49:14 or watching, I guess there's no way for you to know, but it is truly 66.6 degrees in this room right now. On this stage, we keep a thermometer here. Breaking news, yes. Breaking news. Breaking news. It's 66.6 degrees. The marlots, 0.7 now.

Starting point is 00:49:33 The laughs bring up the temperature. So you must sweat like this absolutely all the time, right? You know, yeah, fuck it. Yeah, I've done, all the fucking time. Do you do any cardio at all? Other than Choo Jitsu or whatever the fuck you do? Choo Jitsu? You motherfucker.

Starting point is 00:49:53 I mean, Choo Jitsu, that's probably the only way I could get that motherfucker off of me, bro. He had me on side control. I don't, you know, I'm not familiar like Joe, bro. I don't know the positions, but I just call it the diapetus position, bro. I was just on the side. He had me on the seatbelt, bro. He was fucking like Joe, bro. I don't know their positions, but I just call it the dying fetus position, bro. I was just on the side. He had me on the seatbelt, bro.

Starting point is 00:50:07 He was fucking me up, dude. Wow. Wow. Do they have a what color belt are you in? Does it actually fit around your waist? Yeah. Do you have to get a jujitsu belt extender? This ain't a South American flight jet. I'm a half white belt, half yellow. Uh.

Starting point is 00:50:25 Uh. My gi, my gi is full of mustard stains and cum stains, honey. Absolutely. Absolutely. A lot of mayo. You're fucking killing it, dude. This is a real, real sign of greatness.

Starting point is 00:50:39 What else is going on? What's the coolest thing happening in your career right now before I let you go? Anything else? The coolest thing that happened in my career, man. So I'm focused now on full-time comedy since I quit Bucky's, bro. I'm not gonna lie. Thank you, dog.

Starting point is 00:50:51 I appreciate that. Looking for road gigs. I'm looking to hit the road hard, right? So I ran out of PTO at Bucky's and that's also what was fucking me up, man, because they wanted me to be the Bieber for like all night. I'm like, bro, fuck, dude. That's too much, man. Was it hard for you to hang up the Bucky helmet? It was hard, bro, but I think it was the right decision,

Starting point is 00:51:11 you know? Yeah. It was the right decision. But that was the only sauna therapy I was getting at the moment. Tucker, what did you think about Enrique Chacon? You watch a lot of stand-up. You a fan of stand-up? I love this man. Yeah. Oh, thank you, Tucker. Tucker, what did you think about Enrique Chacon? You watch a lot of stand-up. You a fan of stand-up? I love this man.

Starting point is 00:51:26 Yeah. Oh, thank you, Tucker. Maybe in return, you can give me a green card, you know? I'll do any gig in this country, but outside the country, I'm gonna have to hit up my man Tucker, you know what I mean? You're already taking jobs Americans can't do. Oh! What?

Starting point is 00:51:49 Oh! Oh! Oh, shit. I was gonna vote for you, folks, you know what I mean? Vote for him? You lost a good one here. Well, actually, I can't vote for you. No, I thought it was a compliment.

Starting point is 00:52:01 Wait, what are we going on? Enrique, who do you think Tucker Carlson is? He's new here. I saw the wig. I was like, dude, this guy... This guy got power, bro. That's so Oh, shit. Oh! Hey, that's some good weave, dog. That's some good weave.

Starting point is 00:52:30 You must have gotten that weave in Houston. That's fucking fine. Well, it's time for you to weave, Enrique. I'm gonna go with the That's some good weave, dawg. That's some good weave. You must have gotten that weave in Houston. That's fucking fine. Well, it's time for you to weave, Enrique. We love you. There he goes. The great Enrique Chacon, everybody. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:52:53 -♪ And back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Anything can happen. This is where we find all of our regulars. This is where we find completely insane gentlemen. Anything can happen. This is where we find all of our regulars. This is where we find completely insane people. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Mark Wellborn, everybody. Mark Wellborn is next on KilToni,

Starting point is 00:53:14 the land of opportunity. Here he is, Mark Wellborn. So my dad told me a story recently, unlike that other bucket pool. Uh... Uh... Uh, yeah, so he told me, uh, that when I was a baby, he tried to mansplain breastfeeding to my mom.

Starting point is 00:53:39 And since my dad grew up on a dairy farm, and he helped baby calves latch to their mother's udders, he decided to give her a few pointers. And he told me that the trick is you have to rapidly smack the udder, in this case the breast. And that'll get the milk to start to flow. And then my dad goes,

Starting point is 00:54:02 yeah, and she didn't care for it. Oh, what, she didn't care for getting her boobs smacked around while she was trying to breastfeed? Or the fact you compared her to a cow, which... Anyone else here probably slapped the bag with their mother's tit growing up? Because apparently we were. My dad would slap, I would drink,

Starting point is 00:54:23 and my mom would file for divorce. Okay, Mark Wellborn. Fun stuff. I've always wondered what 60 seconds would be like performed by Anthony Juselnik's sperm. How old are you? I am 26 years old. Okay, how long have you been on stand-up? After tonight, it'll be three years and nine months.

Starting point is 00:54:48 Wow, very, very, you're keeping a close track on that. Yeah. Yes, I checked today. Okay. You had a tough spot, the guy in front of you had a really funny interaction with Tucker. He killed, and you came right out and you went after the other kid's father, which I thought was great. It was very funny. It was a good instinct, and it was the best laugh you got. That was a great alive moment. It really great. It was very funny, it was a good instinct and it

Starting point is 00:55:05 was the best laugh you got. That was a great alive moment. It really was. It was. I noticed that too. You were a little bit more comfortable thinking off the top of your head than with what you planned to go with. You kind of stiffened up a little bit. Does that happen a lot? Do you get like loose during your sets? What goes on here? Yeah, I sometimes I guess. I guess it didn't happen tonight. I don't know. That feel really stiff? Do I still feel stiff? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:33 No, no, very comfortable. Very relaxed. All right. Do I look fucking stiff to you? I've seen more relaxed people talking to Chris Hansen. I love it. Mark 26. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer. What are you engineering? Why'd you laugh?

Starting point is 00:55:59 Chuckled. What the hell? Oh, because I already knew that. Oh, okay. Oh shit. Oh fuck, this is amazing. I love this. This is the best Republican national convention I've ever been to in my entire life. I love it.

Starting point is 00:56:25 Okay, so what kind of engineer are you? Civil, I'm trying to build back better. Of course, of course. Absolutely. Absolutely. Hopefully your structures are as stiff as you are. What do you like to do for fun? How does a guy like Mark Wellborn get loose? Uh, this may actually shock everyone here,

Starting point is 00:56:47 but I, uh, I golf. Oh. Yeah. Ah. Tucker with another I knew that. Yeah. I got a guy whose feet you can use. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:56:58 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I know another guy that can point exactly where to hit it. Except you'll have to yell three. Oh, my God. Holy shit. So, oh, boy, so much fun. So, uh, I'm gonna go ahead and say,

Starting point is 00:57:22 I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, Oh, my God. Holy shit. So, oh, boy. So much fun. So, Mark, other than golf, like, what's a wild thing about Mark Wellborn? Because you have this image. We all have only known you for four minutes and 15 seconds. And we think you're kind of like a, you know what I mean? What's a wild side? What's the wild side of Mark Wellborn? I don't know what you mean.

Starting point is 00:57:33 Yeah. Yeah, he's kind of, you know, he's stiff. He's kind of proper. He's kind of, you know, he's kind of, you know, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's

Starting point is 00:57:41 kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of, he's kind of like a, you know what I mean? What's a wild side? What's the wild side of Mark Wellborn? I don't know what you mean. Yeah, he's kind of, you know, he's stiff. He's kind of proper. He's prim. I mean, even Tucker here busts out a zen every once in a while.

Starting point is 00:57:54 You know what I'm saying? What's the wild side of Mark Wellborn? Yeah. Oh God. I don't know if I could say it here with the civil engineering. I like to get really drunk. Yeah. What are we talking about?

Starting point is 00:58:10 A couple Zimas? No, I've actually been sober since Valentine's Day, which also was Ash Wednesday, and I gave it up for Lent. Nice. So, yeah. You look like a Capitol Hill page who has anal in the Senate. He does look like that.

Starting point is 00:58:29 You look like that. You could have been the top or the bottom in this analogy as well. So what happened on Valentine's Day to make you quit drinking, or was it a planned thing? It was... I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! No, it! I knew it! No, it's typically, I'm a pretty good Catholic.

Starting point is 00:58:50 I give something up each year, and I used to, like, do sweets. I'm like, I'm giving up sweets for length. But, like, I never ate that much sweets, so I was kind of cheating God. Right. And then I got more into it, and I decided I was gonna... Did God ever come to you and say you were cheating? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:06 Mark, I know you don't even like candy that much. Yeah. I want you to give up gay porn one of these years. Really show me you love me, Mark. Show me, Mark. -♪ Love, God, and then what happened? Yeah. And then I did give up porn a couple years, but I couldn't tell my grandmother that, you know, because she would always...

Starting point is 00:59:52 Because she was starring in it. Why couldn't you tell your grandma? I couldn't. I'm not going to tell my grandma that I gave up porn. So what would you tell your grandma? I'd tell her sweets again. Right. Meanwhile, God's like, you're lying.

Starting point is 01:00:19 You're lying to your grandmother. I don't know how God works. God's just Darth Vader to me. If you can't tell, that's how I picture him. I went to a Catholic school, so I'm like, you know, not with it. His father, Emperor Palpatine, I think started the universe

Starting point is 01:00:36 or something like that. All right. So, Mark, before I let you go, you're a good Catholic, you say. You hook up with a lot of chicks. What's your story with women? Um, before I let you go, um, uh, you're a good Catholic, you say. You hook up with a lot of chicks. What's your story with women? Uh, no, I haven't dated since 2016,

Starting point is 01:00:51 but I actually just started dating a girl, like, within the past month. Okay. All right. Very nice. Is she also a sex rock-rock-art? Yes. I fucked that one up. See, I'm a little... No, I'm not gonna say.

Starting point is 01:01:05 I'm a little stiff. Yeah. Where'd you meet her? Where'd you meet this gal? Yeah. Uh, dating app. Oh, okay. Christian dating app? No, no. That's a weird spot.

Starting point is 01:01:15 I went to Catholic Match before. It was not... What happened on Catholic Match? Tell us. Just like a lot of widows. I couldn't even... Yeah. A lot of widows, I couldn't even really, yeah. Yeah. A lot of weirdos. Yeah, like you. No, no, but you didn't do that. Oh, you did weirdos.

Starting point is 01:01:35 I'm sorry, I see you said weirdos. Oh my God. That too, yeah. You didn't want any of the widows? Some of that good old- They're not good at responding, they're not great. Neither are their husbands. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:01:46 Un-believable. Un-believable. My goodness. All right. Well, Mark, very, very fun. Congratulations. Here's a little Kill Tony joke book. Boom.

Starting point is 01:01:54 There goes Mark Wellborn, everybody. Um, well, that's a good one. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that.

Starting point is 01:02:02 I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. I. There goes Mark Wellborn everybody. Well, no, let's do one more and then him and see what happens here. Hey Fight fans, your boys have a big weekend coming up with UFC 300. These matchups are set to make octagon history so we've teamed up with the Draft King Sportsbook to bring you closer to the action. Right now, all new customers who bet $5 will get $150 in bonus bets instantly.

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Starting point is 01:03:23 That's promo code KILTONY only at DraftKings Sportsbook. Makes noise for your next bucket poll. It is Audrey Michelle, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Audrey Michelle. Yeah! Yeah, let's go! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Starting point is 01:03:42 Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Starting point is 01:04:02 Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Dudes usually start masturbating for the first time with other dudes. You know, they find a porno mag, like, hey, bro, just found this mag. You want to go check it out? Just 12-year-old Timmy jerking off with his best friend for the first time, staring him in the eyes.

Starting point is 01:04:14 With women, they start with the corner of the washer, maybe humping a pillow. Not me. I went straight to the electric toothbrush. When you start masturbating with an electric toothbrush, you never step away. Now my clit is calloused. I need a fucking bear trap on my ankle

Starting point is 01:04:36 and a noose around my neck to bust a nut anymore. I need to pay the Chinese chiropractor in the mall 100 bucks to just start punching my clit. Start going at it. Thank you. Hell, yeah. Audrey Michelle, welcome to the show. This is your first time here. Yeah. Uh, welcome.

Starting point is 01:04:58 Uh, it's a fun set. I have so many questions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's start with how most men start out masturbating. That's bullshit, by the way. And where are you getting this information?

Starting point is 01:05:12 It's total bullshit. They're mad because I'm telling all their fucking secrets. I'll have it be known, I also started masturbating with an electric toothbrush, so I'm not one of these normal guys. And I masturbated recently with a boy named Timmy. Did your electric toothbrush also have a My Little Pony character on it?

Starting point is 01:05:35 Oh, that's scary. Horrible. That's scary. So welcome. How long you been doing stand-up, Audrey? Seriously, about two months. Not so seriously, maybe about five months in total. Wow, incredible. Probably the best bucket pool so far tonight. Came out, a lot of, uh, seems like you have stage presence.

Starting point is 01:05:54 What have you done before that made you so comfortable on the stage? I know you're not a stripper. Can you imagine? All right, fellow librarians, get ready. Here she comes. Welcome to the East Side Strip Club. Dewey Desmond coming to the main stage. Get those pennies rolling.

Starting point is 01:06:19 We're going to soften you up. Who's ready to go limp out there? Who's got their toothbrush charged? Get that jab ready, she'll show her clit. She might give you some oral B. Toothbrush jokes everybody, toothbrush jokes. You gotta keep up. Where'd you get that fucking shirt?

Starting point is 01:06:45 That is incredible. Can I give him a shout out? Yeah, yeah. It's Tech Daddy Tolu on Instagram. He makes these shirts. He's been making them for a while now. Okay. All right, there you go.

Starting point is 01:06:59 Tech Daddy Alpha, my bad. Okay. All right. Now that you said Alpha, Rogan's a fan. Uh... I just want to say, I promised somebody else, can I do one more? Do one more what?

Starting point is 01:07:20 Shout out. No, come on, what is this? It's Michael White. What is that? He wanted me to talk about the date we went on in Eureka. You went on a date with the rapper, Michael White, who makes spaghetti? I ordered the cheapest thing off the menu,

Starting point is 01:07:31 so I didn't have to put out. Okay. Wow. Stuck to water and everything. All right. What was that, the cheapest thing on the menu? It was a $10 bowl of truffle fries. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 01:07:45 Wow. Absolutely incredible. The level of cuisine that you have. So you guys didn't do anything afterwards? You didn't go to your place and ask to use your toothbrush or anything like that? I've upgraded to the Hitachi wand since then. Okay, congratulations. Absolutely. You have to brush your teeth. The what? I've upgraded to the Hitachi wand since then. Oh, okay, girl. Congratulations. Awesome.

Starting point is 01:08:05 Absolutely. You have to brush your teeth. Wait, what? The what? You just brushed that off, the Hitachi wand. Everybody's like, oh yeah. Oh yeah, everybody uses that. What is that?

Starting point is 01:08:15 It's the, you've probably seen it. It was like the first body massager. It's the big like blue and white one with a huge white ball on the top. His eyes just got so wide. And you plug it into the wall. And there's been videos of it exploding in women's vaginas. So I choose the one that plugs into the wall because it's stronger. Hold on, what?

Starting point is 01:08:37 It's like the most powerful industrial vibrator ever. It's like this big. You plug it in the wall and there's videos of it like sparking and, yeah. It's cool. How come you never sent me those videos? Wow. Yeah. You send me so many videos.

Starting point is 01:08:52 You've been holding out your piece of shit. That's like a handheld Sibian, basically. Dude, it's like 120 grit sandpaper down there. I need something. Yeah. Need the strongest thing on the market, dude. You gotta go out and steal a jackhammer. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:04 That's what the Chinese man's doing on my clit. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Audrey, what do you do for a living? What coffee shop do you work at exactly? I actually just quit my job slinging Zah at Rapallo's. Slinging what? Ha-ha-ha.

Starting point is 01:09:20 Slinging Zah at Rapallo's. What is that? Pizza. Yeah. Oh, okay. Zah. Zah at Rapalos. What is that? Pizza. Yeah. Oh, okay. Zah. Zah. How old are you again?

Starting point is 01:09:29 Audrey? I'm about to, like, ruin my life right now. I'm 20. Oh, you're 20. Very young. Interesting. How is that ruining your life by telling your age? Uh, because a lot of the places in here

Starting point is 01:09:40 have been letting me in. Oh. When do you turned 21? Uh, in February. Well that gives you a lot of months to let the old clit take a rest. Yeah. Maybe shed some of that snake skin. Let it come back to...

Starting point is 01:09:58 This sucks, man. You have to be 21 to do mics around here. I hit like three a night and after this episode comes out, I'm not getting in any of them anymore. Yeah. Oh, my God. Incredible. You laugh like there's a Hit for that? Yeah, no. There's nothing for that. There's a goat? You have a goat?

Starting point is 01:10:28 Yeah, there it is. Yeah. Audrey, congratulations. Your Killtony debut. Fun times. Thank you. There she goes, everybody. The Killtony debut of Audrey Michelle, everyone. We're gonna keep it moving forward here. Thank you. There she goes everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Audrey Michelle everyone.

Starting point is 01:10:45 We're going to keep it moving forward here. We got another regular. Here he is. The force of nature everybody with a brand new minute. Not easy to do at all and he does it every fucking week. It's your, one of your favorite comedians in the world, Cam Patterson, everybody. -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, shit, look at shit, look at shit real quick. I seen somebody die a couple days ago on a bird scooter, and it fucked me up, dawg, you feel what I'm saying? Because my first thought was, if that scooter not broken,

Starting point is 01:11:33 they not throwing that bitch away, you feel what I'm saying? My other thought was, I wanted to take the scooter, could have someone with a gold, he was still locked in on it, he ain't either, he was dead as shit. And I was late for a show I had to be at, you feel what I'm saying? And it's weird cause he died in front of like a comedian. I'm a fucked up person, I don't think good thoughts. You feel what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:11:54 Like if you died in front of you good sir, you'd have been like, oh my gosh, somebody just died in my face. That's so fucking sad. My first thought, well you died in the school, the nigga that's gay. That's just, that's the gayest way to go out, nigga. Imagine you with on a scooter, nigga, that's gay. That's just...

Starting point is 01:12:05 That's the gayest way to go out, nigga. Imagine you're with your homeboy, you're with all your dogs, and somebody comes to you, but I can tell you how you're gonna die. And there's three of them, right? He go, you gonna die at 97 with your whole family around.

Starting point is 01:12:15 And he go to the other guy, he go, you gonna die at 74 by yourself, because you a bitch, right? And he get to the last guy, he said, you gonna die at 32 on a scooter. Well, I'll tell you that, I began that. That's fun. I know how you do it, man.

Starting point is 01:12:34 What's up, fuck nigga, you good? Hell yeah. Oh yeah. Look at that, let's go. Let's go. Cam Patterson and Tucker Carlson high fiving. Yeah, this crazy, my grandma hates you, nigga. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:47 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:55 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't mean it. Yeah, the fuck she does. Yeah, she does.

Starting point is 01:13:03 Yeah, she does. She can't stand no ass, dog. Yeah, she does. Yeah, she does. Yeah fuck she does. Yeah, she does. She can't stand your ass, dog. He can't stand. Dude, this is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is great. She gonna love this shit, man.

Starting point is 01:13:16 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is beautiful, man. Yeah, yeah. When I see y'all, like, they're gonna my grandma up right now. I'm gonna talk to his ass. Yeah, that's dope, man. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:34 Oh, I love it, Cam. Unbelievable. Un-be-lievable. That is too fucking funny. Unbelievable. That is too fucking funny. Uh, unbelievable. I don't even know where to begin with that. What else we gonna talk about, baby? Unbelievable. Uh, so is this your guys' first time seeing Cam? No, no, I've seen him a couple times.

Starting point is 01:14:01 Yeah, very, very amazing, always consistent. I love this bird scooter thing. This happened? Yeah, yeah, he died in front of Creek in the Cave. Oh, my goodness. Wow, normally the people die onstage there, not right out front. That's incredible. Yeah, it was crazy, bro. I'm traumatized.

Starting point is 01:14:18 So, what, was he get hit by a car? He got hit by a car at a crosswalk when he flew to the, to the creek. That's how hard he got hit. Damn, that's at least 30 feet or so. He got fucked up, dog. The car was going like 100 miles an hour when he hit him. But let's think about it, though.

Starting point is 01:14:34 He was like a kid, he'd be like, damn, at least he talk about me, you feel what I'm saying? Yeah, that's true. That'd be cool, dead-ass nigga. That's true. Did you get a look at him? What did he look like? He was black.

Starting point is 01:14:44 He was black? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. His other homeboy lost a foot. His other homeboy lost a foot? Somebody else got hit with white, and he lost a foot. His homeboy was on a scooter, too? They both was on a scooter. And one lost a foot?

Starting point is 01:14:52 Yeah, they were bowling. They hit a scrape, boy. Oh, my God. This is the kind of bowling that Tucker absolutely loves. Oh, my God. This is the kind of bowling that Tucker absolutely loves. Uh... I... One-oh was white. One-oh was white. Okay.

Starting point is 01:15:18 That's... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Oh, my God. So the one that... The one that... Good, Jim, go ahead. Who is the white guy? I'm hoping it's the one in the car. Oh, shit! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:15:32 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:15:40 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. Tucker, it wasn't. He got hit. His foot, his foot, go in the shit. Well, that would make him the fourth most deformed person on this show tonight. That's incredible.

Starting point is 01:15:50 Wow. So, was the black guy alive at all, or was he instantly dead? Nah, they, so I got that kind of after, but they had, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was on the ground, he was That's incredible. Wow. So was the black guy alive at all or was he instantly dead? No, so I got there kind of after, but he was on the ground and you could see him through the door. And what I heard, they put him in the ambulance and he just died so they put him back on the ground.

Starting point is 01:16:16 It's kind of fucked up when you think about it. But yeah, so he was just gone, right there. So he was inside of the ambulance, he died, and they put him. I'm pretty sure he just died on the street, and they like just put him back to the toilet, you know what I'm saying, the corner, get him and shit. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:16:32 Yeah, he's pretty fucked up. Yeah, that is fucked up. Yeah. They definitely don't do that with white people. Yeah. There's no way. There's no chance. They would have to take them in the ambulance.

Starting point is 01:16:47 There's no, we're gonna put this back where we found it with, uh... Uh... That pretty fucked up. It is fucked up. I don't make the rules, though. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. I'm just an observer of society. Cam, what else is going on in your world? Anything else?

Starting point is 01:17:06 My dad asked me that day, he was like, how the OnlyFans works, we finna go broke. That's what's gonna happen. Yeah, he... My dad's 64 years old, he asked him how OnlyFans works. He finna lose a lot of money, dawg. He was like, so how you find out about the girls? So I showed him Twitter, and he was like, oh, this gonna be great.

Starting point is 01:17:21 He gonna send a lot of money, OnlyFans gonna be funny. Oh, yeah. 64-year a lot of money to OnlyFans. It's gonna be funny. Oh, yeah. 64-year-olds finding out about OnlyFans is the new, like, giving away their credit card information. It's over, dawg. Oh, yeah. It's over. And it's gonna be hard,

Starting point is 01:17:34 because some of your OnlyFans girls got hard names to spell. Oh, yeah. And my dad can't spell for shit. No, he cannot spell at all. Stop listening to what I'm saying right now. I'm not making us look great right now. My daddy great, fella. He's paying real good.

Starting point is 01:17:46 Amazing. Cam, so much goddamn fun. You're a fucking phenom every single week. Unbelievable minute, unbelievable interview. The future has arrived in his hands. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

Starting point is 01:17:54 I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

Starting point is 01:18:02 I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. You're a fucking phenom every single week. Unbelievable minute, unbelievable interview. The future has arrived. And his name is Cam Patterson. Fuck yeah. All right, we're having fun. You guys having fun out there?

Starting point is 01:18:16 Yeah. Make some noise for your next fucking poll. 60 seconds from Tina Yukana, everybody. Tina Yukana. Hell yeah. Hi, I'm Tina from Chicago. And you know, I love coming to Texas though. Like this is one of my favorite places to visit.

Starting point is 01:18:44 Like, oh my God, Texans know how to fucking party, okay? Like, me and my girl, we go to this honky tonk the other day. These two cowboys come up to us, and they're just like, y'all ladies like guns. And I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm Middle Eastern, I love war. And they're like, y'all wanna go shootin' sometime? And I'm like, let's go, yallah!

Starting point is 01:19:05 La-la-la-la-la-la-la! Let's go in the alley right now and shoot beer cans. And they're like, wait a second, wait a second. We can't just go shooting anywhere now. Cops are gonna stop us. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Well, I did see an elementary school down the street. The cops will never stop us there. Well, I did see an elementary school down the street.

Starting point is 01:19:25 The cops will never stop us there. Oh! Oh! Was that too dark for you? Oh! Okay, Tina, Yukana. All right. Am I saying that right, Yukana? Yeah, Tina. Yukana. All right.

Starting point is 01:19:47 Am I saying that right, Yukana? Yeah, hi. Okay. I love that. It's your real last name. What is that? What's Yukana? I'm a Syrian.

Starting point is 01:19:54 Okay. Yeah. Okay. What else are you? What? I can't tell, but Jim Norton's heart is a rock. That's all I'm going off of. I'm just using my special Jim Norton compass to figure out what's going on here.

Starting point is 01:20:12 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I am getting really sick and tired of getting discriminated against for being transgender because, especially since I'm not transgender. Whoa. Double twist. This is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. It's like, we're all a bunch of assholes

Starting point is 01:20:33 for even assuming. Yeah, jokes on us. I'm about to ask for my money back. I'm sorry to disappoint you, Jim. No, it's okay. We'll all kid you aside, what is the name of your blog? Unfortunately, I don't have one, but... Incredible. What do you do for work, Tina? Well, you know, I've been doing stand-up now for a little bit, and I started running some shows in Chicago.

Starting point is 01:20:59 I run an all-dark comedy show at Reggie's Rock Club called Ha Ha to Hell. There you go. Yeah. I don't know if you remember me. I've been on the show before. I run an all dark comedy show at Reggie's Rock Club called Ha Ha to Hell. There you go. Yeah. I don't know if you remember me. I've been on the show before.

Starting point is 01:21:09 Yeah. Yeah, hi. How are you? Absolutely great. This is a new episode. Yeah. Hell yeah. So Chicago, famous for their sausage.

Starting point is 01:21:18 Ha ha ha ha. Oh. But it turns out they're also famous for their deep dish, everybody. So you never know what you're going to get with Tina here. She's laughing. Okay. How long have you been on standup? Five years now.

Starting point is 01:21:34 Five years. What do you do for fun? You seem like you do have a lot of hobbies. If you were to have a blog, what would it be about? Um, well, I like, I love music, you know, love, you know, like punk, metal, that kind of stuff, you know. I like going to shows. I cook. I do. I used to run a restaurant, so I used to be a chef. Oh, wow. Okay. Can I ask what the tattoos are on your hand?

Starting point is 01:22:02 So, yeah, the hand, the finger tattoos, it's my mom's birthday. It's Halloween. And then the, this is my birthday, St. Patrick's Day, which was yesterday. Wow. But yeah, I just, naive, because I used to be a chef. Right on the wrist. Good place for it. Interesting stuff, Tina.

Starting point is 01:22:27 Tell us more. What else about you? What kind of guys are you into? Boys? Um, I like everybody. I guess I could say I'm pansexual, which means... Like frying pansexual? Well, I used to be a chef. If you don't know what pansexual means, it means you're a horny ass hoe when anything goes.

Starting point is 01:22:48 Wow, interesting. What's the biggest, wildest thing you ever did that you kind of regretted the next morning sexually? Well, I was going to say being on Kill Tony. No, I'm kidding. I love this. I'm kidding. I think you have bigger regrets than that. No. Ha'm kidding. I love this. I'm kidding. No. I think you have bigger regrets than that. No. No. No, last time I was here I said some nasty things and I'm trying to keep it clean, but...

Starting point is 01:23:14 But no, yeah, I shouldn't. Yeah, listen to that one creep in the darkness. I know, right? Yeah. The only guy here with a deeper voice than you, T. Yeah. The only guy here with a deeper voice than you, T. How do you think my voice got this deep, Tony? Oh, shit. Let me guess, a toothbrush?

Starting point is 01:23:36 I love it. So Wildest Night. No, we're not going to get that. You got anything for us? What was that? I'm sorry, Wildest Night, no, we're not gonna get that. You got anything for us? What was that? I'm sorry. Wildest Night. Wildest Night, I mean. You said you're into anything, so I'm like wondering.

Starting point is 01:23:52 Looks like you hooked up with a refrigerator a couple times. Okay, okay, I'll give you something. I'll give you something. The first time I went to Nashville, the first night we were there, we had a threesome. So, me and my girl. Yeah, it was fun. You and your girl had a threesome. So me and my girl, yeah, it was fun. You and your girl had a threesome with a boy?

Starting point is 01:24:07 Yes. Okay. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. How did that go? Tell us about having a threesome. We went... We went to an open mic and you know, you know how comics are. And yeah, we met...

Starting point is 01:24:21 Yes, desperate. Yeah. I can't believe what I'm watching. So yeah we went to an open bike and we both saw like a dude that we thought was cute and then we're like oh you should talk to him you should talk to him and I'm like girl let's just both fuck him. And she's like, okay. And then, yeah, we did. And it was fucking awesome, honestly.

Starting point is 01:24:51 Okay. His dick was humongous. Ah, I thought you looked familiar. Like. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that.

Starting point is 01:25:09 I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that.

Starting point is 01:25:17 I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're gonna be able to do Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Wow. My goodness.

Starting point is 01:25:25 Can I say that I like that she went dark before with the material? Don't let people talk you out of that. Do what you want to do on stage, and if you want to be dark and crazy, do it. I like that you went to that. Thank you. They didn't like it, but I like that you did it, and don't let an audience talk you out of it. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:25:43 I appreciate that. It's like a night in Nashville, crazy and dark. Well, I didn't shoot up any schools that time, but there's always next year. Right, that was a different shooter. Okay. Tina, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

Starting point is 01:26:05 I mean, just, yeah, I like having fun. I like having a good time. I love Texas, it really is awesome. Austin is awesome. The comedy here is amazing. And yeah, this is a great opportunity, so thank you. You got it, Tina Yukana, everybody. Did you get a joke book last time you were on, Tina?

Starting point is 01:26:23 Yeah. You got a big one? No, but people said in the comments I should've. Really? Yeah. Well... Well, they're probably gonna say it again. There goes Tina Yukana, everybody. Thank you, guys.

Starting point is 01:26:34 We're gonna keep it moving along. We're having fun here tonight. We're flying through it. Coming around that mountain. Another 60 seconds uninterrupted coming at you from another bucket full. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Tyler Gallant, everybody.

Starting point is 01:26:51 Tyler Gallant. Here comes Tyler. How we doing? Yeah. You guys like that TikTok band? Yeah. Yeah. I don't really care about TikTok. I think it's messing up the new generation.

Starting point is 01:27:07 Got all these kids that are getting famous from doing these little dances. Ones I really don't like are getting famous from lip syncing. You seen that? Sometimes you'll see white people on there. They'll be lip syncing songs with the N-word in it. Like, that's not good.

Starting point is 01:27:21 Is he about to ruin his life on my For You page? Is that what's happening? They don't mouth the N-word though. They do the shush face. Whenever the N-word comes on, they do the shush face. That's confusing, right? Cause don't we just have a whole generation that associates the N-word with the shush?

Starting point is 01:27:38 That's not good. You just got all these middle schoolers and high schoolers, they're just in school talking to each other. Like, do you guys ever notice the librarian's kind of a racist bitch? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:53 Yeah. Yeah. I went to go check out a book. She called me the N-word like 42 times. Yeah. I asked her where the history section was, she went, please. I'm Tyler Galant, thank you guys.

Starting point is 01:28:10 Tyler Galant? Yeah. Hell yeah, a lot of setup there, but a big payoff in the end. I had no idea where you were going with that. You got me. Thank you. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:28:20 How long you been doing standup? About two years now. Where at? Came from Knoxville. I just moved here about six weeks ago. Tennessee? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. How long you been on stand-up? About two years now. Where at? I came from Knoxville. I just moved here about six weeks ago. Tennessee? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:29 You ever go to some open mics in Nashville? I did. Yeah? Yeah. You ever pull out your black cock? Yeah. Yeah, not lately. Okay.

Starting point is 01:28:40 I love it. Jim, what'd you think about this? I thought the misdirection of not knowing where you're gonna go is shush. I was like, wow, what did you think about this? I thought the misdirection of not knowing where you were going to go is shush. I was like, wow, this is a great bomb. And you pulled it into a really, really good joke, and you tagged it. Very, very good. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:28:53 Didn't see where it was going. And it was really, you set it up to look like it was about to tank, and you pulled it out beautifully. Nice job. Very good. It really was. It was a work of art. You disguised it so well. The only person that saw it coming was D. Madness, actually, which is crazy.

Starting point is 01:29:09 Pfft. Uh, Tyler, what do you do for work? I do consulting. On what? Uh, IT stuff. It's not, yeah. Okay. All right. What do you do for fun? I do, uh, you know, I do comedy.

Starting point is 01:29:23 Do a lot of comedy. Other than comedy. Hang out with my girlfriend. How long you been with her? About three years. What does she do? She does, she works with bodies. What does she do with bodies? She's an anthropologist, forensic anthropologist,

Starting point is 01:29:38 so she helps identify people that did not make it across the border. So it's, yeah, it's pretty cool. It's cooler than what I do. So this is like a big, booming business time for her. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Millions of potential clients.

Starting point is 01:29:55 Yeah, yeah. It's not gonna slow down. Yeah. Right. Very, very busy. Yeah. Okay. Um, and she lives in Knoxville with you? She was, yeah. She moved out here before I did.

Starting point is 01:30:12 I moved in with her just about six weeks ago. Nice. San Marcos. Oh, okay. San Marcos. Lovely. You've been around? You get to see some of it yet?

Starting point is 01:30:21 Yeah. Yeah. Float down the river yet? Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. Nice. You love it. Yeah, I do. I do. I love Texas. It is unbelievable here. The river's fucking, I mean, it's just incredible. You know, we had a river in LA. You remember the LA River?

Starting point is 01:30:32 That sewage pipe? Yeah. Homeless bath. It was made of cement. That's what we always thought rivers were. Yeah. Until we came here. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:41 Incredible. Can I ask what kind of person she is? A forensic anthropologist? It's such a dark job. Yeah. Like, you know, cops have like that gallows humor. Does she have that gallows humor? Yeah, she's, yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:51 I'm kind of dark, so she, yeah. She keeps up. She likes that shush joke, doesn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah, she does. She hates most of my material, but that one, yeah. So she's smart. Yeah. She's...

Starting point is 01:31:03 Ha ha ha ha ha. She's way smarter than me. She's, ha ha ha ha. She's way smarter than me. She's much smarter than me. Yeah. Amazing, Tyler. So fun. What do you do other than stand up comedy?

Starting point is 01:31:17 Like any special skills or talents or anything like that? Dude, I'm really good at ping pong. Really? I can't prove that right here. But I'm very good at ping pong. Ping pong and IT consulting, are you secretly Asian? Yeah, yes. That's absolutely unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:31:30 Sounds like a girl I met in the Philippines. Yeah. Yeah. I think ping pong once tried to cancel me for a joke, if I remember correctly. I remember that. I can't remember his name exactly. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:43 All right, Tyler, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Ah, man, I don't remember his name exactly. Yeah. All right, Tyler, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Oh, man, I don't like, uh... There's cocaine sharks now. I don't like that. Cocaine sharks? Are you talking about... Shh. No. No.

Starting point is 01:31:55 What do you mean, cocaine sharks? Oh, yeah, they can't swim. Why would they be sharks? That's right. Oh, yeah, they can't swim. Why would they be sharks? That's right. Oh, my God. Whip it! Do it! Gliss! That one might be edited out. I'm kidding. It won't be.

Starting point is 01:32:16 They love it when I leave stuff in that I say is going to be edited out. What do you mean, cocaine sharks? People smuggling drugs into the country. If they're about to get caught and they're in the sea, they throw it out, and then apparently sharks have been eating it, so that's not cool. Yeah, that's scary. So people... Wait. What?

Starting point is 01:32:32 It's a real issue. Traffickers? It's a real thing. Yeah, thank you. Sharks are eating cocaine. They are. It's scary. We got to do something about it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:32:42 They're annoying to hang out with. Wasn't this the fucking... Wasn't this a movie on FX at some point? Cocaine Bear. No, to do something about it. All right? They're annoying to hang out with. Wasn't this the fucking... Wasn't this a movie on FX at some point? Cocaine Bear. No, that was Cocaine Bear. That's a true story, too. I thought...

Starting point is 01:32:51 Yeah. Yeah. I thought this is how Sharknado started or something like that. I'm getting them all confused right now. Yeah. Yeah. So the sharks eat cocaine. Does that change their behavior? Do you know about this?

Starting point is 01:33:01 I... No, I don't. I haven't run into one yet. I'm waiting. Right. They swim a lot and their dicks get smaller. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They can't stop talking. Too much chewing.

Starting point is 01:33:12 Those straws are being repurposed, is what I'm saying. Yeah. Well, Tyler, Red Band, what's the longest set you've ever done? I've done 20. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, everyone. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 01:33:26 We're doing a real spot six weeks into his stay here in Texas, and he's already getting booked in the heart of Austin, Texas. There he goes. Oh, and here, take one of these two. It's a big one. Tyler Gellon. Boom. All right, we're coming around the corner here. We're almost there.

Starting point is 01:33:47 Make some noise, sir, for your final bucket poll of the night. John Moore, everybody. John Moore, everyone. Thank you. Hey, guys. How's it going? Good crowd. All right.

Starting point is 01:34:08 So I was in the Army for a while. When I was overseas, I served with a Frenchman who stepped on an IED and lost all four of his limbs. I call him Napoleon Blownapart. It's all right. You can laugh. He's got a good sense of humor about it. The only thing he doesn't like about this joke is being called French, because he's American.

Starting point is 01:34:32 He's like, don't do that part of the joke anymore. It's very offensive. He's very successful now. He tours the country. He's a motivational speaker. Speaks to large crowds. Probably has more stage time than me and the rest of these comics put together. But at least we're all put together. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:34:53 Did you guys know that when a small animal is about to die, it will try to wriggle out of my grasp. Thank you. My name's John. John Moore. Welcome to the show, John. This is your first time here, correct? This is my second time here. Okay. How long ago were you on?

Starting point is 01:35:23 About three years. Joe was on the panel. Okay. How long ago were you on? Uh, about three years. Joe was, uh, Joe was on the panel. Okay. Yeah, I bombed. Yeah. This was better, huh? Much better. Thank you. You've been working hard at it. Yeah, I did the same joke, as a matter of fact.

Starting point is 01:35:35 I just kind of revamped it. You made it better? I don't know. Did I make it better? No one remembers from three years ago. I don't even remember. It was horrible. It could not have been worse, I'll tell you that. Was it the blown apart part? I didn't have any of the tags.

Starting point is 01:35:49 I tried to do one. I tried to do that. Neither did he. Okay, go ahead. I tried to do that joke, but none of the tags, none of the punch. Right. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:36:02 And you guys, and you really do know a guy in the military who that happened to? True story, yeah. He's one of Gary Sinise's, he's like, Gary Sinise, they've got a whole camp up in Maine. I don't know, do we have any quadruple amputees in here? Gary Sinise runs a foundation where they take care of people because he was Lieutenant Dan? I don't know if that's the connection, but yeah, he's involved with like Wounded Warrior. Like, I mean, what are the odds of that? That's incredible.

Starting point is 01:36:30 Yeah. I wonder if Tom Hanks does that. We had a guy up here a second ago that loves ping pong. It'd be great if there was... We don't hear, you know? John, so where did you go when you were in the Army? Afghanistan, 07, 08. Okay.

Starting point is 01:36:48 Did you meet any women over there? Not really. What do you mean not really? Well, like you get your hair cut every once in a while. They have Afghani hairstylists out there. What do they do? Just wrap a towel around your head? Most of them from Kyrgyzstan.

Starting point is 01:37:05 And they cut the neck. They... Ha ha ha ha ha! Hell yeah. What do they do? Just fly the scissors into your hair like that? Okay. Um, John, very interesting. What do you do for work now? Uh, I'm an analyst.

Starting point is 01:37:22 What are you analyzing? Uh, I'm a data analyst, data analyst for DHL, actually. Oh, wow. Okay. I wore my work shirt. Hell, yeah. All right, John. What else are you into? What do you do for fun?

Starting point is 01:37:36 Uh... You know, comedy movies. I got a son. Okay, how old is your son? He's seven. Seven. And you're the father? Like, I mean, like you stay... Biologically, yes.

Starting point is 01:37:49 But are you in the kid's life? Oh yeah, yeah. I have him 50% of the time. He was born premature. Uh-huh. Oh, DHL with another fast delivery. Wow, came early. But honey, the package I've been waiting for came early.

Starting point is 01:38:08 Yeah, coincidentally, it's the same way he was conceived actually, but I'm told there's no connection between those things. Right. You came prematurely and the baby came prematurely. Are you friends with the ex? Do you get along with the ex? Uh, yeah. Hell yeah. Holding on to that 50% right now. Holding on strong. We co-parent. Yeah? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:30 So you live here? I live in Dallas. Okay. And the baby, the seven-year-old lives in Dallas? Oh, yeah. And the ex-lady? I took him to Disneyland this week, actually, for spring break.

Starting point is 01:38:39 Oh, wow. You told him someplace in Dallas was Disneyland? The State Fair. Okay. So you went to in Dallas was Disneyland? The state fair. It's like a... Okay, so you went to LA, you went to Disneyland. We went to LA. How did that go? It was great.

Starting point is 01:38:52 Yeah? Magical. Have you been to Disneyland before? Yeah, when I was a kid. Okay, what did you notice is different about Disneyland? Well, I just noticed that it's very like artificial, right? Like it's kind of like addiction. Like, you know, you get, like they call it magical,

Starting point is 01:39:04 but it's really more like. Like, you know, you get... Like, they call it magical, but it's really more, like, intoxicating. You know, because you get, like... Whoo! Yeah, there you go. Turns out you ran out of time there. Unbelievable, John. Thank you. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:17 Okay. Don't blow the illusion of Disney. What, Jim? Don't blow the illusion of Disney. Yeah. I mean, what are you gonna tell me? They're in costumes? We saw Jack, uh, in the movie. Don't blow the illusion of Disney. What, Jim? Don't blow the illusion of Disney. Yeah. I mean, what are you going to tell me?

Starting point is 01:39:27 They're in costumes? We saw Jack Sparrow, you know? That's it. Did his ex-wife shit on the bed? No. I did the last time I was here, but this is... There you go. All right, John, well, congratulations. How old are you?

Starting point is 01:39:48 Thanks. I'm 40. 40. And how long ago did you start stand-up? Four years. Four years. And how does it feel? Have you been getting a lot of spots in?

Starting point is 01:39:56 You working in Dallas? I got some spots, yep. I'm doing some time at Dallas Comedy Club. Hyenas is kind of hit or miss, but yeah, I'm in spots. You're happy you're doing this. It excites you. Yeah, I love it. I came down here to get out of the routine, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:40:07 What's the worst set you've ever had in Dallas? How did that go down? Worst set I've ever had was absolutely the one that I had here the first time. Oh, OK. Worst set in Dallas. Well, you know what? We're going to play that.

Starting point is 01:40:16 We're going to play that right now on the podcast. Right now? OK, here we go. Right now. And here we go what is up I'm actually just looking for the bathroom did you guys point me I really was gonna go to the bathroom and I'm glad it did not so I'm here well with some friends from Dallas gonna talk about my buddy that I was in the army with this guy is a legend you guys may have heard of him

Starting point is 01:40:44 I'm not gonna use his name but he, he's got a foundation with Gary Sinise. He has earned a lot of money. Great guy and hysterical guy. Only reason I bring him up, one of the funniest guys I've ever met, right? This guy, when we were in service, huge. Six, seven, two sixty. Stepped on an IED and lost all four of his limbs. Yeah, I do not tell jokes about this guy for obvious fucking reasons. I had one serious question about his dick. He got his wife pregnant, so that question has been answered. And truth be told, like I say, he's very funny. He's got a ton of stage time, more stage time than all of me and the other comics

Starting point is 01:41:25 put together, but at least we're all put together. You know what I'm saying? Jesus fucking Christ, John, what the fuck? My God, you just came up and told a story about your funny, your friend? Why didn't you let him sign up? We would have loved to have a fucking funny guy with no limbs up here while you're up here

Starting point is 01:41:44 telling these sad stories. You're right, I'm sorry. How many of you think it should have been him that got blown up in the army, huh? Yeah. How about that, John? How about that? Oh, yeah. I deserve that.

Starting point is 01:41:56 You knew you had one minute. I did not. I did not. Yeah, that's true. And now we're back, so you guys got to see how bad it was. But we're going to put your set in there just so that people know how terrible it was. Yeah, it was nothing. It was worse than that, actually. The good news is we only have about a million more listeners than we had three years ago.

Starting point is 01:42:15 Yes, right. It's very exciting. Now everyone's going to know. I'll take it. Wow. I love it. Well, John, congratulations. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. John Moore, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:42:32 There's only one guy with the chops to be able to put a ribbon on this thing. You guys know him. You love him. The freak of nature himself, the Kiltoni Hall of Famer, the record holder for all time sets and interviews. Absolutely killing it. Headlining all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the vanilla gorilla,

Starting point is 01:42:53 the big red machine, the Tijuana tarantula, the Virginia villager, the one and only William Lightsound Montgomery. ["Lightsound Montgomery"] Backstage, Tucker actually asked me if I could tell some jokes in Russian. Uh... But seriously, Tucker, my family has always worshiped you.

Starting point is 01:43:30 It's awesome that you came down from heaven to do kilto. Hey. Winona Judd is here. Winona Judd once performed during the Super Bowl halftime show. Meanwhile, Red Band was a ring girl for BattleBots. Fucking pussy! Pfft!

Starting point is 01:43:50 Biden recently at his State of the Union address and said better things about Ukraine than the United States, which actually makes sense because the United States doesn't have a video of Hunter Biden fucking a dog. I learned that one from you, Toku. I'm gonna get in a time machine and meet the first alcoholic.

Starting point is 01:44:24 At what point were they like, somebody take the keys to his horse? Last week, a Boeing whistleblower was found dead in his car prior to testify... Wait, did he work for Boeing or Hillary Clinton Airlines? Okay, that's my time, thank you. Amazing. My God, he's done it again.

Starting point is 01:44:49 He's done it more than anyone else has ever done it, and yet it continues. The force of nature. Yeah, never fucking stopping them. That's right. We want this to go on forever. It's a match made in heaven. William Montgomery and Kil Tony,

Starting point is 01:45:09 what an unstoppable machine we are. Absolutely, like you said, your family, the opposite of Cam Patterson's grandmother. They love Tucker Carlson. How does it feel to be here in front of Tucker, Joe, and Jim? It really is a treat, Tucker. I genuinely have to ask you, did that one guy suck Obama's dick? Did that actually happen?

Starting point is 01:45:34 Holy shit! I have the answer, and let me say I don't judge, but oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've been wondering that, obviously. That's been something that I've been wondering about. He told me off-camera I actually did that.

Starting point is 01:45:55 I was like, ugh. But he did. He did. Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Not kidding at all. But, yeah. Not kidding at all. Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:46:09 The question everyone wanted to ask Tucker, and it has been answered here on Killtony. The look on Joe Rogan's face says it all. Yeah. You should have brought him with you. He could have all got blown. Wait, do what? I honestly didn't hear you. Oh, no, I was just talking about the guy.

Starting point is 01:46:29 Um, so William. Ladies and gentlemen, William, what else has been going on this week? Oh, man, it has been a lot of the old brand buds. I got into a new video game called Contra, which has been going on this week? Oh, man. It has been a lot of the all brand buds. I got into a new video game called Contra, which has been a bunch of fun. It's been taking up a lot of my time, but I have been literally catching people, Tony.

Starting point is 01:46:55 I, Tucker, I like to look out of my windows of the apartment where I live, and I find people doing wrong stuff out there. And Tony, literally, before I got here tonight, there's a homeless guy jumping the fucking fence into the property of the apartments, and Tony, I'm not necessarily proud of this, but I went down there with a big,

Starting point is 01:47:11 I recently got some big steel pans, and I swear to God, I went up to this fucking dude, Tony, and I hit him so hard in the fucking head, and he was literally just laying there, and then it's, I gotta get here, so I don't really know what happened. Yeah, Tucker, I have this really weird problem in Spokane. I got two of these homeless people there.

Starting point is 01:47:32 They're just, there's too many of them, and I've been... How many homeless have you killed? Great question. Well, I have been, um, at least I would say around 17 different... theoretically. Oh, that was a good one, Rebbi.

Starting point is 01:47:49 What was that? What was that funny noise? I'm talking about murdering people, you dumbass. What was that? Now literally, Rebbi, what was that? What does that stupid thing say that you're hitting? It's called com-bonk. Yeah, com-kapao.

Starting point is 01:48:01 But yeah, no, it's a lot of fun, and then I'm going to, um... Going to Tacoma this weekend, Tony. We'll see how it goes. They're adding a third show on Saturday. Thank you to anybody who's ever bought a ticket to come see me. I greatly appreciate it. But, yeah, adding a third show Saturday,

Starting point is 01:48:19 so we'll see how it goes, Tony! What else, William? What else? You're getting very excited here, William? What else is... You get very excited here. William, what else do you want to plug? What else is going on? It was just Sweet Little Gator's birthday last week. Very exciting.

Starting point is 01:48:38 We got her a little ice cream cone dog treat, and she will not eat it, and she starts yapping at me when I get close to it, so now that's a big nightmare, so I've been playing a bunch of video games, so. Ah, oh, uh. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:48:55 Boom. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha, was that funny? When I'm kind of messing up, I mean, I'm having a pretty good setup here, other than that one point. Did you really think that was pretty funny? Huh?

Starting point is 01:49:08 What? I can hear you, dumbass! Holy shit. Okay. William, we have some really good news for you. There is another Red Machine here that wants to come back out, and so why don't you stay up on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

Starting point is 01:49:25 Grammy Award winning artist, one of the greatest rock stars of all time. Make some noise for Winona Judd, everybody. The real Winona Judd, ladies and gentlemen. 19 number one hits, Grammy Award winning. Look at these two beautiful red machines. Give her the microphone, William. Oh shit, shots are coming out with Winona Judd.

Starting point is 01:49:56 This is how you know you're dealing with a fucking country music artist. What happened? What did I miss there? Oh, you're trying to get me to drink alcohol? You stupid bitch! And maybe this will be a good time to show your titties, bitch! Whoa! I'm gonna hand her the great Winona Judd, everybody. Coming out here, getting us liquored up, being part of the goddamn festivities.

Starting point is 01:50:26 I can't drink. I can't drink. I've had cocaine for all day. Whoo! Oh, boy. That's a spicy treat. Winona, why don't you grab a microphone? Say hello to these people. Say hi to the listeners out here. Hey. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:48 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You been having fun? Wynonna, you've been watching the show from up on the balcony. What was the highlight of the show so far for you tonight? All the cussing.

Starting point is 01:51:03 Oh yeah. You are- I never could cuss ever. My mother said no. So when I hear you cuss, I'm like, wow. Hell yeah. That is true. I cuss a lot. And we cuss a lot on this show.

Starting point is 01:51:15 And Liquid Death, $1.4 billion company selling water. Yeah. What is wrong with this country? Yeah. I love this. Keep going, baby. Keep going. Just let the free flow happen here.

Starting point is 01:51:28 Joe, Joe, do you know who I am? Yeah. Okay. Good. Let's talk. Call me. Oh, shit. I love it.

Starting point is 01:51:38 Bye. Wynonna Judd, ladies and gentlemen. Bye, Wynonna. I mean, unbelievable. I think I'm gonna do a podcast with Wynonna Judd. You definitely are. Fuck yeah. Anyway, Noah. I mean, unbelievable. I think I'm gonna do a podcast with Wendell and Judgy. You definitely are.

Starting point is 01:51:48 You're fucking amazing. Captain. Let me tell you, we were hanging out before the show. That is indeed one of the baddest bitches I've ever met in my fucking life. She is cool as fuck. Tony, I heard her just fall back there. No, she didn't. Stop it.

Starting point is 01:52:02 Man, that bitch. Oh, Tony! -♪ -♪ Oh, God. William, stay up here for one more beat, because we have one last special treat here, believe it or not.

Starting point is 01:52:22 We have a guy that did a fucking Kill Tony rap on the internet a month or so ago. We found him, he said he's a super fan of the show. I said, why don't you come on out, and if you make it here, I'll put you on the list, and we'll have you perform this song live. With one of the coolest Kill Tony raps I've ever heard in my life, 11 years doing this show,

Starting point is 01:52:43 I'd like to present to you the stylings of Asmatic, everybody. Here's Asmatic. Sometimes we have rappers on this show. This guy actually does it. You guys hear me? All right, look. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:52:58 Check it. Yo, yeah. Let me tell you about my favorite show. It comes on Monday night. I don't stay up late So Tuesday morning brings delight It's Kill Tony, never seen it, then you owe me It's an open mic where a minute feels awfully lonely Yeah, Tony Hinscliffe is him, the grim Slim Jim

Starting point is 01:53:14 Every show opens with this guy, Hans Kim I'll admit it, he's a hit or miss, never quick to dismiss Sometimes lacks punch lines, keeps a funny premise Bitch, twitch like I'm Martin Phillips I don't get it, he's a favorite But William Montgomery is the illest Never miss an episode, ain't never gonna stop Consume it the way David Lucas drinks pop

Starting point is 01:53:32 That's all day down the hallway, so don't look If you bomb, then you're gonna get a little jokebook Use it, write jokes with the sharpened pencil Cam Patterson has the most potential, he's elite As long as his minute don't repeat Going by rock from the man off the streets Pull a pick of grimace out my pocket Casey Rocket never made it as a wise man So I'll stop it, a profit in the making Joe Dirk, go and dig it I wanna see it live but I can never get a ticket

Starting point is 01:53:59 What the fuck Redman, I don't understand I'll chuck screwball to see the best band in the land Yeah, it's your goat Asmatic ladies and gentlemen, A-Z-M-A-T-T-I-C Follow him on Instagram, social media, Asmatic Thank you sir, thank you Tony Make some noise for the god damn Goat William Montgomery Keep it going, let's see how loud this place can get for Jim Norton, Joe Rogan, Tucker motherfucking

Starting point is 01:54:33 Carlson, and the best band in the land, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, The Madness. Unbelievable drawing from Ryan J. He belted his in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. What the fuck? What is that? Who, wait. I know I'm the fucking donkey there, or whatever that is.

Starting point is 01:55:01 Who's that? Who's that guy? Who? Joe Biden. Who's that? Who's that guy? Joe Biden. Who? Joe Biden. Wait, what? Well, who's the thing standing up? What? Richard Simmons?

Starting point is 01:55:17 KC Rocket? I don't recognize KC without his ball cap on. I'm sorry, Chris. That's Joe Biden and Casey Rocket? Okay. All right. Why does Joe Biden look exactly like me? Am I the only one seeing that? All right. Great smile on Joe Biden.

Starting point is 01:55:39 We did it. That's Chris Rogers' art. Amazing local artist. Thank you to Game Time, Skylight Frame, Draft Kings, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster. Tucker Carlson, I got to tell you, I've been a huge fan fucking forever. This is so surreal having you here. I didn't expect to be here, trust me.

Starting point is 01:55:59 Amazing, amazing. Doing the Post Malone spot that you find out behind the curtain. And that's all because of the great Joe Rogan, my fucking best pal in the world. So much fun. How about a hand for him and the mothership, huh? Number one comedy club on planet Earth.

Starting point is 01:56:16 Thank you so much, Jim Norton, for joining the show again. Red band. Check out the Joe Rogan experience now on YouTube, guys. Check it out. For sure, he's back, guys. Check it out. Yeah, for sure. He's back on YouTube. Very exciting stuff. Back everywhere. One more time for Asmatic.

Starting point is 01:56:30 Thank you guys so much. We love you. Good night, everybody. The I'm gonna be a good boy The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you you

KILL TONY - #658 - JOE ROGAN + TUCKER CARLSON + JIM NORTON

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