KILL TONY - #659 - DAVID SPADE + DAVE ATTELL
Episode Date: April 16, 2024David Spade, Dave Attell, William Montgomery, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchc...liffe, Brian Redban – 03/25/2024 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Get $80 off your first month at https://talkspace.com/tony w/ promo code SPACE80 Head to https://www.squarespace.com/killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code KILLTONY. Visit https://thefreezepipe.com from now until April 22nd to shop their biggest sales event of the year. If you see something you like that’s not on sale use code KILL TONY for 10% off your entire order. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.
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Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode, huh?
Well, well, well, as you may know,
I book every single episode of this show.
This one has been not months, but many years in the making
to get our two guests at the same time.
How lucky are we?
Two of the all-time greats, ladies and gentlemen,
our guests tonight are...
David Tell and David Spade! -♪ Yeah! Oh shit, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fuck yeah.
You're in it tonight motherfuckers.
David Tell, the new special Hot Cross Buns on Netflix.
Thank you, Tony.
Thank you, Tony.
Welcome back, Dave.
And there's no better place to pitch it than Austin, Texas.
Am I right, guys? Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Hell, yeah.
You had an amazing weekend here.
I came to your show last night.
It was unfucking believable.
Truly one of the best in the world.
Well, you know what? Next time you stroke me, please...
use some lube.
All right, here we go.
Oh, wow.
First joke of the show.
Boom.
I love it.
David Spade, your first time on the show.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Austin.
Welcome to Killtoni.
The Superfly Podcast with Dana Carvey available everywhere. But tonight, you're at Killtony. The Superfly podcast with Dana Carvey available everywhere.
But tonight, you're at Killtony.
Right. I think I went in the wrong room, but...
I'm supposed to be at traffic school.
No, thank you for having me,
and this is gonna be a great seven hours.
I cannot wait.
I'm ready to hear some jokes.
We are going long tonight, and lucky for us,
over 200 innocent souls
have signed up for the opportunity.
200 plus.
Over 200.
They're all piled in at a bar next door.
The great poor choices here on 6th Street.
And they've probably made some poor choices tonight
because some of them are wild.
Anything can happen.
They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then
or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
And that interrupts them.
And then I interview them.
We find out more about them
and what they could be talking about
or should be talking about.
And that's how that goes.
We're pre-pooling the first name.
And while they go wrangle that person from across the street,
we will start with one of our esteemed regulars,
ladies and gentlemen.
How many of you are fans of the show?
No.
Well, as you may know, Hans Kim is taking a little vacation
right now, and we have had a thunderstorm
of a new regular, absolutely force of nature,
a cold-blooded assassin.
Ladies and gentlemen, kicking off the show
with an uninterrupted 60 seconds,
I present to you the great and powerful KC Rocket. I'm a very good singer. Okay, cool. I'm a very good singer. I'm a very good singer. I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer.
I'm a very good singer. I'm a very good singer. I'm a very good singer. I'm a actually pretty good. Folks, a lot of people say my body, my choice,
but I always say somebody should be on The Voice.
I'm a very good singer.
Okay, cool.
Get real.
I'm starving.
Can I get a People's Temple, please?
Hell yeah.
It's like a Shirley Temple but Jonestown style,
so it's pretty cool.
It's where they crush up a bunch of Vicodin
and put it in a cup of Flavor Aid,
and instead of dying,
I live for the first time in my entire life.
Come on.
Come on.
Tell me something.
Cool, hell yeah, I can't really.
I used to swallow grapes whole until I was 12 years old.
Um, and uh,
and uh,
and uh,
and uh,
and so like,
three times a week I would,
I would choke on grapes.
And,
cause that's how kings would eat grapes in cartoons.
They'd have a big bushel of grapes.
So three times a week, my mom would run in my room
and be choking on grapes.
And it's like Don Vito on Viva La Bay.
I mean...
She'd go, you're not a king. We love you.
You're not a king.
And I was like, love means nothing
when it seeps from the lips of a harlot.
And I just... Thank you, I'm Casey Rocket.
All right, boom.
One minute, 15 seconds from Casey Rocket.
Another unbelievable performance, absolutely weird as hell.
I love the entrance tonight.
The old man turned into young man, maneuver.
It's like a Willy Wonka thing, is what I was trying to do,
like, when Willy Wonka walks down the street and,
oh, he can't walk, he's so scary,
and I'm young, it was me, I'm young.
Yeah. Yeah, I didn't pick that up.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
It's all right.
A force of nature.
The grapes thing, I mean, where...
What is your writing process exactly?
Ha-ha-ha. Most of the time, I mean, where, what is your writing process exactly? Most of the time I'll just remember,
oh yeah, I used to swallow grapes whole.
I was like, I guess that might, maybe that's funny.
And it's kind of funny, yeah.
Ah, no it is.
It's true.
Definitely funny.
I've also noticed that you sing a part
of a new song every week and I love it.
Is that a thing?
Like how do you decide what song you're gonna kind of sing?
Listening to my heart and trusting my managers
and my agents and...
You know, down the grapevine,
they kind of tell me what they want to pump up the charts.
So it's a Nashville thing.
It's part of the Nashville scene, so.
Okay, big Nashville crowd.
I love it.
We're just on the road this weekend
with the great William Montgomery.
How'd that go, where'd you guys go?
We went to Tacoma, Washington.
Yeah.
Went to Tacoma, yeah, did some shows.
Yeah, it was fun.
Yeah, me and William, big riffs, it was cool.
It's cool to meet these guys.
I was gonna say, it's really good to meet you,
but David, we've already met.
Do you remember when we met?
Yeah, I think you were my busboy tonight.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm kidding. Oh, yeah.
I thought you might not remember,
so I brought some pictures of times
that we've hung out before.
Oh, uh-oh. We've seen this before.
Casey has a partnership with Kinko's
or Walgreens' print shop.
Me and David, we've been friends for years.
That was us with the Musinex guy at the L.A. Dodgers game.
Oh!
He was so weird.
He was so weird. Got very slimy.
Yeah, that was kind of cool. He was so weird. Got very slimy.
Yeah, that was kind of cool.
And he is wearing the same sunglasses tonight.
I'm the same look.
That's my look, man.
Couple guys taking in the ball game.
Yeah.
We called it an early night, and then we went home
and the space shuttle Challenger exploded.
Oh, my God.
That took me off guard.
I don't think we're romantic about it though.
That's not how you want to end any night at the ballpark.
And so we're watching it.
And it's still happening.
By the morning we stayed all night.
I love that sometimes Casey can't decide
which one of two pictures he wants to use,
so he uses both.
It's just pushing the story along.
We're watching it, and then, you know,
we're kind of taking it out.
You loved it, you know, and just,
oh, my God, we couldn't take our eyes off of it.
Amazing.
So we start, oh, you face the camera on that one so everyone could really see that he was
watching it.
That is incredible.
You don't remember any of this, David?
No, it feels a little AI, but I don't know.
I don't mind it.
I didn't know.
Then we decided we were going to stop it from ever happening again.
We put it, we suited up commando style and we shut down NASA from the inside.
Wow. Well, NASA from the inside.
Wow.
Well, those were the days.
Will we be allowed to talk yet?
Yeah, anytime.
Okay, that was the question for it.
We have.
Well, it's good that you're used to doing this
because when you're, for your next gig
where you're holding up a song, we'll sing for food.
I think that...
I thought this one was kind of fun
because it's the ending of Fight Club.
So we're holding hands and we're like,
I met you at a very strange time in my life.
Oh, the Musinex guy is also in the corner of that one.
Is he?
Yeah.
Yeah, he's down there.
He couldn't shake that dude.
That is absolutely incredible.
Crazy crowd, booger.
David Tell, you ever seen anything
quite like a Casey Rock typical guy?
I've never seen a guy so lonely with a laser printer.
I never...
Are we allowed to talk?
Yeah, you gotta wake it up.
Fucking dick.
Fucking big one, go fuck yourself.
By the way, has anything good ever come out of an envelope like that?
Can I say that?
Not how you doing now?
Fucking summons.
Wake up, David.
I'm here. Casey, you're a goddamn superstar.
We absolutely love you.
Thanks for getting this show started again.
That's how it's done, ladies and gentlemen.
A new minute every week from the newest regular, Casey Brockett.
Casey, let's do it again sometime.
And we found that everybody, Casey, Cam, everyone you've,
oh look, it's the lovely Heidi everybody
with some liquid deaths and some American spirits.
The whole kitten caboodle tonight, unbelievable stuff.
Our first bucket pool is behind the curtain and ready to go.
Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen.
Could be the next superstar of the show,
could be an insane person, anything can happen.
60 seconds uninterrupted for Caleb Barge.
We're gonna meet him all together.
Caleb Barge, everyone.
["Caleb Barge's New Song"]
How's it going?
Cool.
I was raised really religious,
and my parents put me in a private Christian school, and
there they taught me that we were created by God and we did not evolve from monkeys.
If anybody here believes we did not evolve from monkeys, I want you to go home and Google
foot job porn.
Have you seen that shit?
Foot job porn?
A girl jerking a dude off with her feet?
That's the most monkey shit I've ever seen in my life.
It frees your hands up, do you bananas?
I found this thing like it's footjobhorn.com.
My dad was a really religious one.
He was, he did not like gay people at all.
He told me this once, he was like,
Caleb, the way that gay guys have sex, it's disgusting. They do each other in the butt,
that's where poop comes from.
I was like, dude, they're not doing each other
while they're taking a shit, right?
Every hole in the human body has a nonsexual function,
and when it's not doing that function,
that's when you're supposed to stick your penis in it, right?
You don't try to get a blow job
from somebody eating a sandwich.
You wait throughout the evening in it, right? You don't try to get a blow job from somebody eating a sandwich.
You wait throughout an eating a sandwich.
All right. You guys are awesome.
Thank you so much.
That was great. Caleb Barge.
Solid minute.
He came a little under.
Yeah. Didn't he? I didn't hear the meow.
No, yeah, it was right there. 59 seconds.
Yeah, nailed it.
David Tell.
I would say... What's your name again?
Caleb.
Of course it is.
Now, I thought you were an Ezekiel,
but Caleb, it was, first of all,
it was calming and refreshing,
kind of like a pile of burning books.
And I think your dad'll back me up on that.
All right, I liked it.
Yeah. I thought the energy was just right for All right. I liked it. Yeah.
I thought the energy was just right for the situation.
Yeah, it was good. Really solid.
Christian school, monkeys evolution, footjob porn.
Dave, you ever watch footjob porn?
Where I come from, we call it Riverdance.
Now...
Come on, y'all!
Sorry.
I'm getting ready for the little room upstairs.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha."
Caleb, how long have you been doing comedy?
-"13 years." -"13 years."
And before that? -"Huh?"
-"I bet the under on that." -"Huh?"
-"Oh, no, I'm kidding. Take it, Caleb."
What do you do for a living, Caleb?
-"I work from home. I'm a project coordinator."
-"Mm. You would know this.
What time does the Buc-ee's open?
The Buc-ee's open?
I don't know, 6 a.m.? No, it's 24 hours, right?
That's right. 24 hours.
No doubt about it.
That's where you can watch all the footjob porn you want.
In the bathrooms.
What kind of projects are you coordinating from home?
Uh, so, tech, like, tech jobs and stuff like that. Like, big Fortune 100 client companies. How much money do you make? How much money do you make? How much money do you make? How much money do you make? How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make? How much money do you make? How much money do you make? How much money do you live here now or are you just visiting? Yeah, I just moved here. December.
How long ago?
December.
December.
What do you love about Austin?
Anything stand out to you so far?
Yeah, I mean, I got really tired of New York City.
I mean, I like just, it's, you can actually walk around and there's not a million fucking
people.
I really enjoy that.
And the food's great.
Yeah.
You know, I really like it here.
All right.
Well, what do you do for fun, Caleb?
Tell us something about your wild side
when you're not doing standup.
I did some traveling the past few years.
So yeah, I went to Costa Rica.
Okay. Nice.
Yeah, yeah.
I got a vasectomy there.
Yeah.
Was that your idea of the courts?
Whose idea was that?
Definitely mine, yeah.
Yeah.
That's the place.
The old Costa Rican vasectomy.
It was 250 bucks. I put it on a credit card.
I was just like, hell yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
And you weren't scared?
It didn't seem like 250 was a little low?
I don't...
Well, I'll do anything not to have a kid, you know?
Like, and also getting far as a not to have a kid, you know?
Like, and also getting far as a way of using condoms,
condoms suck.
I'd rather just do that.
But yeah, it was actually a very pleasant experience.
The doctor told me a joke before he did the operation.
It was good.
Were you awake during?
Yeah, I was awake the whole time, yeah.
What was the joke that the doctor told you?
Okay.
So he said something, he said it in Spanish,
and then the nurse translated it to me,
and she was like, he said,
you're now like the guy, the sugar
that doesn't make women fat.
And I was like, that's a pretty good joke for a doctor.
You know?
Yeah.
Let's fly him in.
So did you get the...
Sounds like he's got a tight one joke.
Nice.
So when you got back to the States
and shot out that heroin, what was that like?
Shot out the heroin?
It was good.
What happened back there?
Deep madness.
We good?
That's okay.
He's blind.
I thought that was the bonus round sound.
I love it.
Caleb, one last question.
What's the thing that we would be most surprised to know
about your entire life history,
other than a Costa Rican vasectomy
from a guy telling you jokes for $250?
Um, I don't know.
You have a weird childhood or anything like that?
Yeah, Christian upbringing can do that, yeah.
Are your parents still super Christian?
My mom is still, but she's cool.
Like, me and my dad don't really talk.
When's the last time you talked to your dad?
Like, four years ago.
And how did that conversation go and end?
It was on Father's Day, it was weird.
Tell us about it.
Well, he's here now.
So, so he got, he's here now. So... Boom. So he got...
Son?
He's very conservative, and I went out and I marched for Black Lives Matter when I knew
before it was bullshit, you know?
And...
Whoa.
Yeah.
They fucking...
They scammed people.
That's a YouTube channel over from here.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
But he, yeah, he just, like, he judged me soon as I...
It was Father's Day. I called him up, and he judged me immediately.
And I just was like, I'm tired of this.
What did he say exactly? Can you remember what he said?
Yeah, he was like... This is fucking hilarious.
Uh, he was just like, uh, you weren't out marching, were you?
I was like, yeah. It's the first thing he said to me.
And I said... And he was like, this music's great.
And he was like, he was like,
oh, I didn't think you were smart.
He basically said I was dumb for marching.
And I was just like, all right, well,
have your father's day, Dad.
And he's like, this is weird.
Wow. Yeah.
It's been four years since you called him?
Yeah, I just was tired of that shit.
Can we get a phone unlocker up here?
We have a phone.
Do you want to call your dad and tell him?
Can we call your dad and?
Oh, boy.
How many do you think we should call his dad right now?
Yeah.
I've got his old number.
Just when you hit, when you hit.
I don't have his number, but I'm going to try.
Yeah.
Just keep giling. Yeah. Just keep dialing.
Yeah, let's just guess.
Whoever picks up, call him Dad.
All right?
Should I put it on speaker?
Okay, put it on speaker and put the butt of the phone
up to the microphone.
Speaker. The butt of the phone, the bottom.
There you go. Right to the the phone, the bottom. There you go.
Right to the tip, not the side.
What, do you have a hard drive in there?
What's hanging from the bottom of your phone?
It's not even ringing.
Are you out of data?
You have daddy and data issues?
Is it on speakerphone?
Tony. It's on.
You've taken the show to a new level, buddy.
Watching a guy make a phone call.
Awesome.
It's incredible.
It's live.
Okay, no, no, don't put the voicemail up there.
Okay, well.
Well, there you go.
There you have it.
Looks like he still hasn't forgiven you.
I guess you'll have to connect with your,
I guess you'll just have to connect with him
through QAnon, you know?
Yeah, I think he's into that shit, actually.
I love it. Well, we tried, Caleb.
Sign up again. Solid minute. Congratulations.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
Here's a little joke book.
Actually, you know what? Here's a big joke book.
Awesome.
There you go. That's good. That's good.
Caleb Barge, ladies and gentlemen.
And that's how it starts. Congrats, Caleb.
All right, we got another bucket pull.
We're gonna keep it moving.
Make some noise for your next comedian.
60 seconds uninterrupted for J.P. Lambiasse, everybody.
J.P. Lambiasse.
Here comes J.P. Buck, yeah. -♪ Hey. Yeah.
I don't know if you guys can tell from the lights,
but I'm Italian.
Uh...
All right, truth is, I was bought
by a couple of Italians, okay?
And that's the thing, though. I see a lot of, though. I see a lot of white people buying Asian babies, okay?
It's true.
My parents bought three.
But I don't see a lot of Asians buying white babies.
Like, that doesn't make any sense, right?
Like, why would Asians spend money on a C student?
Ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha.
My girlfriend actually, she cheated on me with another Asian.
Yeah, it's cool, it's not her fault.
She said she thought it was me.
Turns out it was Hans Kim.
I didn't even see it coming.
Is that a minute? That's good.
All right.
Nice.
Wow.
Whoa.
He gets extra points for doing his time.
Yeah. Exactly a minute.
Uh, welcome to the show JP Lambiasse.
Is that how you say that last name?
You do not look like a Lambiasse.
Yeah.
It was a French...
It was Italian name.
They made it French, so it's Lambiace.
Because they wanted to get over here good, so I guess.
Which coast did they arrive from?
New York.
You're really Italian?
I'm a New Yorker, yeah.
I was actually raised very Italian.
Hey, hey, what up, huh?
Whoa, get a test.
Now.
So your parents are what?
The mom is Asian?
Calabrese.
Uh-huh.
Dad's Sicilian.
My grandparents are racist.
Okay, but seriously, what kind of Asian are you?
I'm South Korean.
I'm not the other part.
Right, good, great.
Great.
So JP, how long you been on standup?
I started in 2010.
Okay, wow, another veteran of the game.
Two people, 26 years of experience
between the first two bucket pulls.
That's incredible.
It's funny that 13 years and they lean at the tape
at a minute.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
They barely make it.
I'm not good.
No, I didn't...
No, come on.
You did pretty good.
You're also not Italian.
Exactly.
So, there's a lot of not things happening with you.
I hustle my way through it, you know what I'm saying?
No, you did good.
You did good.
Wait, you're not Asian or you are?
I was like two weeks old that was adopted.
Like two weeks old.
I don't know stuff. Oh. Definitely you don't know where you are. I was re- like two weeks old I was adopted. Like two weeks old. I don't know.
Oh.
I don't know stuff.
Definitely you don't know how to do laundry.
So I really, come on, it was just sitting there.
I thought that would be you, buddy.
I know, I know. It's okay.
It's okay.
Those are something else, those pants.
I don't know how you got into my stockpile of pants today.
That's weird.
Got them from your laundry. That's weird. I got them from your laundry.
That's the joke I just made, Red Band.
Very good.
I mean, you do have some awesome calves.
I mean, the crowd will back me up on it,
those who've dined in my calves.
It's a cultural thing, I assume.
I think we found the guy that kills people at the lake.
Because he doesn't want to get his pants wet.
That's great.
It is incredible.
Is it true that your girlfriend really cheated on you?
I'm in a legal battle. She's suing me.
And the lawyer said none of that's true.
Um...
Do you just lie about everything?
Because it's like it fucks up an interview.
You're not helping the case, though.
Because, like, she's calling me a liar.
And now, like, Tony, you're calling me a liar?
Uh-oh.
Wait, this is not live, right?
You're not live. Yeah, three weeks to two weeks.
Okay.
I just got to call him.
What's going on, JT?
You signed up for the show.
I didn't realize that we had law issues with you.
I don't know what to avoid. I don't know you.
Don't do anything crazy, buddy.
You need to wear less tight pants.
It helps blood flow.
I mean, you're kind of like a Hulk below the waist.
I mean, I could see you getting angry.
I've never gotten as much validation in one night.
What happened was we did YouTube together,
and we separated,
and then I didn't want to work on the channel anymore
and she sued me.
So I decided to just drive from Orlando to Austin, Texas
for the only reason to be here.
Like this is why I'm here.
This is why I'm here.
Wow.
Wow.
And here you-
Not to be pandering, but like, this is why I'm here.
But here you are and you're in it right now. This is like incredible. I'm not going be pandering, but like, this is why I'm here. But here you are, and you're in it right now.
I'm in it. This is like incredible.
I'm not gonna sleep tonight, and I'm just so happy
and fortunate to be here. I really am.
Okay. Wow.
So you've seen the show a lot. You know where you're at.
I, uh, yeah.
So you're in the interview part right now.
And last Wednesday, we locked eyes
when you did your show with Joe Rogan.
It was great. You asked me what Asian I was,
and I'm just like, oh, he looked at me.
And then today you walked by me.
It was amazing.
I didn't want to acknowledge it
because I got to be cool.
Are you gay?
A little bit.
Okay.
That's, yes.
Maybe a lot of it.
Yeah, okay, a lot.
All right, yeah.
Was your girlfriend a girl?
She's suing me because I'm gay.
Like that's actually part of it.
Is that true?
I mean, doesn't matter guys, right?
JP, JP, JP, stick with me over here.
Okay, okay, sorry.
Are you really being sued by a girl?
I'm being sued by a female.
Right, and you used to do a YouTube show with her,
did you guys really date?
Did you guys sleep together?
We did for 10 years, 10 years.
For 10 years, okay.
10 years, fiance, fiance Fiance, fiancé.
Okay, we're getting closer.
She was your low-main squeeze.
She was.
She put the low-main in low-maintenance.
Yeah.
So you said,
heck, I'll just take her pants and get out of town.
Is that really...
These are mine. I paid for them. So you said, heck, I'll just take her pants and get out of jail? Is that really... Is that really...
These are mine! I paid for them!
Another YouTube-related breakup.
Lululemon, baby.
Incredible.
So what was your YouTube show about?
Uh, food. We, uh, healthy junk food.
And I don't actually... I shouldn't actually advertise it.
I actually remember you from that.
I thought you were on the show before,
and I'm like, I know this guy. Yeah, but I don't... I don't advertise it. I actually remember you from that. I thought you were on the show before, and I'm like, I know this guy.
Yeah, but I don't do that anymore,
and I don't...
Legal.
Um, hey!
I love it when people sign up for the show
that can't talk about anything.
I will, yes.
Actually, let's just fuck it.
Let's just do it.
Um, yeah, it's a food channel,
and then I went rogue.
Well, she went rogue, and then I went rogue, And then I lived in my car, which is really fun.
Like, trust me, it's like, I'm like, you know,
I like living in small spaces. I don't know what it is.
And then I came here, and then that's it.
Yeah, okay, good. That was a horrible story.
Anyway...
I can't believe you leaked that pertinent information.
Yeah, yeah.
It was... Tony?
Yeah?
I think we found our new host of the Golden Globes right here.
Welcome aboard, son.
This is it.
This is it.
Either that or he's the new SNL fucking cast member after Shane gets canceled or whatever. Um, JP, uh, before I let you go,
what is a special skill or talent that you have?
I was, uh, a professional laser tag.
Really?
You look more laser wax to me than a tag.
You are very hairless.
Do you shave your legs?
I got that through all high school and middle school.
I got bullied a lot because of, honestly,
because of this perfect dolphin feet I got.
Like, I just don't... There's no hair.
I just don't have the follicle growth on that.
Um, I do have, like, a big bush, though.
Oh.
All right, let's look at a clip.
So...
It all went there, I guess, I don't know.
So when you say kinda gay,
like, are you hooking up with dudes and chicks right now?
Or what's the big?
Oh no, after what I went through for 10 years,
I'm completely just doing my own thing.
I'm not with anyone.
I would do, like, I admitted it.
Like, I saw this trans comic, she was really pretty. I'm like, anyone. I would do, like, I-I admitted it. Like, I saw this trans girl comic.
She was really pretty. I'm like,
dude, I will, I would do that.
Like, you'd made a good choice.
What would you do? What would you do with the trans comic?
Describe exactly what you would do.
Well, well, I mean, again, like, I'm, I'm grinding.
I'm out here trying to, like, rebuild myself.
Yeah. And if she was just like,
hey, if you were to, like, do something with me,
what'd you do? I'd be like, I'd be like,
I would, you know, like, get on Kill Tony.
Like, I would, like, honestly, I would, I would suck it.
She's sucky, sucky.
Okay, there you go.
Here's a little joke book.
There you go.
J.P. Lambiasse, ladies and gentlemen.
Amazing.
There he goes, everyone.
It's a long walk in those pants.
There he goes, everyone. It's a long walk in those pants.
There he goes.
Well, howdy, y'all.
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All right, we're gonna keep it moving here.
This guy's name is also Italian, could be an Asian guy.
Make some noise for Giovanni Vedana, ladies and gentlemen.
Giovanni Vedana.
Here's Giovanni, ladies and gentlemen.
What's up, guys? Here's Giovanni, ladies and gentlemen.
What's up, guys?
I know it is.
So I just got out of a long relationship.
I've been trying to date more, and dating women in Austin is insane.
I had a back problem the other day, and I go back to her place and she's like, take
your shirt off.
I'll give you a massage.
And usually, you know what that means,
it's gonna be, you know, massage.
Take my shirt off and then she started doing this.
She gave me a reiki massage?
Listen, just grab a rake, rake my back, I don't know,
like stick a finger up my ass.
Do anything besides massage my energy, bitch.
Like, ah, damn rakey massage, man.
It's wild.
Dayton's wired, especially with, I'm 30 now.
And I know I'm 30 because every time I drive by a house,
first thing that pops in my head,
it's like, that's a nice yard.
I like that.
I'm a yard guy.
Anyways, thank you.
Ooh, you're welcome.
Giovanni Badana doing the reiki version of stand-up comedy,
not really touching anyone in the room at all.
Wow, that was incredible.
How long you been doing standup, Giovanni?
A year consistently.
Here in Austin?
Yeah.
What do you do for work?
I work next door at Shakespeare's.
Okay, so you've been on this show before, right?
A year ago, actually.
Yeah, you had a towel on your waist.
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember, you were in the middle of a shift.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, and here you are. You've been working hard at it for the past year? I really have. in the middle of a shift. Yeah. Yeah. OK, and here you are.
You've been working hard at it for the past year.
I really I really have.
I've given up a lot for this.
And what have you given up exactly?
My truck, my truck at repo.
Oh, I call my mom once a month.
Yeah, it's I've talked to my mom.
So that's part of why you stop talking to your mom.
Disappointment, mainly.
She was disappointed in you?
No, I'm disappointed.
In her?
In my comedy career.
Okay.
Interesting.
But your mom loves you.
Oh yeah, I'm the favorite, for sure.
How many kids does she have?
Three.
What did the other two do?
The weird, you're the favorite.
Yeah.
Where the bar back, unfunny comedian is your favorite. Yeah, it's all right.
I eat ass, so that's all that matters.
I...
Okay.
I feel like it's important.
You're talking about your set tonight?
No.
A little bit.
All right, Giovanni, tell us more about you.
What do you do for fun?
What do you do when you're not doing stand-up?
Uh, I snowboard.
I was a snowboard instructor for a while.
That was interesting.
We were so bored during your set. Yeah. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? Uh, I snowboard. I was a snowboard instructor for a while.
That was interesting.
We were so bored during your set.
Yeah.
Well, dude, Reiki messages, you know?
But, no, I'm undocumented.
I'm a DACA recipient. That shit's tough.
A what? DACA.
What's that?
A dreamer.
Yeah. I dream.
What does that mean, Dave?
He's dreaming for real stage time, I think right now, but... I loved it, buddy. What's that? A dreamer. Yeah. I dream. What does that mean, Dave?
He's dreaming for real stage time, I think right now.
But I loved it, buddy.
That was straight up, full tilt, regular stand up.
Thank you, man.
I appreciate it.
And the hat took some of the mean out of it.
I love that.
I like a guy who's here, but also can
run a miniature golf course.
I think that's great.
Yeah.
So you're, is it, so basically you're an illegal immigrant?
Yeah, I need to get married.
So if anybody wants to give me a green card, that'd be great.
Yeah.
Are they, yeah.
Don't ask him where he's originally from and all that.
Yeah.
I'm from Mexico.
Nice.
Yeah, Mexico, yeah.
From Bama.
I grew up young at six years old.
Didn't know that you need to be born
in a certain location to get paperwork.
I grew up thinking I was white.
I was fucked up when I found out I wasn't.
And then the worst part is I wanted to get
my motorcycle license at 14.
They're like, no, get out.
Whoa.
You beat the rush.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you seem white.
You have no accent whatsoever.
I know. That's why I'm still here.
What's the most Mexican thing about you?
I love tamales.
Wow.
Tamales are great. I can't make them.
Good old tamale music there. Uh...
There you go.
That was good.
This is pretty sweet, buddy. It's something you don't really see in Texas.
Now, uh...
Ha ha ha.
Dude... Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
Yeah, no, you go ahead, Dave.
No, I was just gonna say, dude, have you ever been back that way to do stand-up?
Um, on... Yeah, right. No, I was just gonna say, dude, have you ever been back that way? Did you stand up? Um, yeah, right.
No, have you?
Honestly, this might be a bummer.
So, DACA dreamers, they are allowed to leave the States,
but I am not allowed back in.
So, I'm out fucking leaving.
Are you sure you're not allowed back in right now?
Seems like pretty much everybody's coming.
True, true, you're right.
You think you're gonna be the one that they stop.
They're like, no, let the busloads through.
That guy with the checkered hat and a motorcycle, no good.
Oh, you have a towel on tonight as well.
It's like a trademark.
It is. Hell yeah.
I fucking hate my life.
I don't think they let you back in.
Once you're over, once you're here.
Yeah, that's it.
It seems like you're safe.
It's like you get on base, you call a timeout,
the umpire's cool.
Yeah, I don't know what that means, but okay.
Baseball.
You need to learn this for your test
if you want to become an American.
That's why I need a green card.
You better study.
You better study.
Okay, Giovanni Badana, anything else crazy
we should know about you before we let you go?
No, I eat ass.
I love-
When you say you eat ass.
I love black booty and white drugs.
That's about it, you know?
Give it up for your next mayor.
Come on, guys.
Is that true, black booty and white drugs?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, which one do you like sniffing the most?
Dude, have you ever done both at the same time?
No.
It's pretty nice, you should try it.
That's great.
So when you say you eat ass,
do you go straight for it right from the get?
No, you gotta spit on it first, like a little.
Oh, and then you lick your own loogie.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
I don't buy it. I don't buy any of this.
Should we see if...
No, no, no.
I do the white drugs.
First of all, a guy with your background
would not dress like this, all right?
He at least would iron his slacks.
I mean, come on.
Dude, that's so funny you say that.
I'm so self-conscious about that.
About what?
Wrinkles.
All right, well, you know what?
Interesting.
I mean, I am.
If it doesn't work out here, there's always Canada.
You know what I mean?
Come on, buddy.
Live the dream.
Let them stay.
Last time you were on, you got a little joke book?
A little joke book, yes, sir.
There you go.
We'll go fill it up with jokes, Giovanni.
Oh, wait. My dog ate it. My go fill it up with jokes, Giovanni.
Oh wait, my dog ate it.
My dog ate it.
Giovanni, but you have a dog?
Two dogs, blue-nosed pit bulls.
You have two dogs right now?
No, no, they're at home.
Where's home?
Uh, the ghetto, Riverside.
Riverside?
Yeah, it's ghetto.
First time I moved in there, first thing I heard across the way, bah, bah, bah, let me
in bitch.
And an hour later across the other way, bang, bang.
So yeah, gunshots.
Your dog's talk?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
That's a good one.
Wow.
Giovanni Badana.
There he goes, everybody, Giovanni.
Right back to next story goes.
["The Star-Spangled Banner"]
["The Star-Spangled goes to Cory Smith, everyone.
Cory Smith.
Here we go. I'm bald, but I don't miss having hair.
I miss taking chances with haircuts.
I used to stop by, like, a random house business and just take a chance with a haircut.
You know, they don't have an actual sign, just like the number seven and the scissor
logo.
Break that down for the seven, that's how much the haircut costs.
The scissor logo means they don't speak English.
I walked into this place in Chicago,
this lady knew I didn't speak Spanish,
but she wasn't gonna lose a customer.
She grabbed me, marched me to a chair,
sits me down, wants to do the whole thing without talking.
Actual words, just picks up clippers,
holds nets to my head, and goes, eh?
I said, uh-uh. Puts those down, picks up head and goes, eh? I said, uh-uh.
Puts those down, picks up scissors, goes, eh?
I don't think there's a third choice, so, uh-huh.
And then she just proceeded to give me the haircut
she assumes all white people get.
Top three haircuts of my life.
I hung out and had Kool-Aid with her kids.
Support your local house business. All right, thank you.
Nice.
Well, wish you would have cut some of those jokes
out of your set tonight.
Yep.
Cory Smith?
Yes, sir.
Absolutely.
Did you, was the first thing that you said,
I'm Paul?
No.
What did you say about...
Bald.
Bald.
Got it.
Yeah, yeah.
I got really confused there.
No, you're good. I got really confused there.
No, you're good.
I heard Paul over here.
Sometimes the audio ricochets a weird way,
but indeed you are bald.
I am.
Why would you say that when it's obvious?
You know, it's like a butchered-up old joke.
I'm usually a storyteller,
and that's like the only thing I could really fit in this.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
Dave.
But as the new guardian of the galaxy, let me ask you.
You do kind of have, like, a superhero with no power.
Feel about that. Yeah.
Thanks, boo.
Okay, how long you been doing stand-up, Corey Smith?
Going on 11 years.
11 years.
There's a lot of veterans here tonight.
And that was your best minute, you said.
No, that's the only minute I could fit. I've got, like, seven-minute bits and five-minute bits,
couple four-minute bits.
Story teller, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sounds like a threat.
Yeah.
That is incredible.
Maybe he should be on Ellen.
This sucks getting roasted by my fucking hero right now.
One of them's named Dave, but holy shit, dude.
Okay, there you go. Way to bring down the mood even further. I'm roasted by my fucking hero right now. One of them's named Dave, but holy shit, dude.
Okay, there you go.
Way to bring down the mood even further.
Don't know, digging here.
I thought you did great, buddy.
So, what's next for you there, Cory?
I'm gonna cry this off
and finish my fucking bullet bourbon and chill.
We're playing Yahtzee outside.
Whoa.
Yeah, dice on the street, 6th Street.
I believe around here they call it Cee-Lo.
No.
Yahtzee.
No wonder everyone's moving to Austin.
That sounds fun.
I'm just waiting for the air conditioner to freeze me again.
What do you do for a living?
Collect unemployment professionally, yeah.
Nice.
You're what?
I collect unemployment.
I thought you said you're a cuck unemployment.
Close enough.
Close enough.
What was the last job that you had?
I managed a ninja nation.
What's that?
It's like an obstacle course for kids.
Really?
Yeah.
Is that hard with your bracelet?
Yeah.
Used to run an obstacle course for kids.
Yeah, they do like-
Yeah, they do like-
Out of his basement, all right?
Getting out of bed in the morning.
Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
You better hit him harder.
It's called unlocking the door.
Ha ha ha.
How did that job end for you?
I took the opportunity to get fired when they were...
Basically, I knew I wanted to get fired from this job,
and I mentioned a couple code violations,
and then two weeks later, there it is.
Whistleblower. Whistleblower.
Yeah, dude, it's super easy to get fired from a job.
What was the problems with the children's obstacle course
that you blew the whistle on?
No, like I started as the assistant manager in sales
and I was just basically the front desk bitch
the whole time, so.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, burn it all down.
They didn't let you play with the kids?
No, that was too much actually, too much.
You know, you get a job to get near the kids
and they put you right up front.
I get it, I get it.
Yeah.
Disappointing. Yep, that's how it works.
What's your love life like, Cory?
Honestly?
No, no.
No, not at all.
Lie, lie.
All right.
Shit, way to go, buddy.
I, uh...
I swear to God, all right.
I actually had two threesomes this week.
Two different threesomes? Two different threesomes. Back to back. Swear to God, man right, I actually had two threesomes this week. Two different threesomes?
Two different threesomes, back to back.
Swear to God, man, I'm not playing.
It took two cops to put you in the car?
Is that what happened?
Dude, you're fucking amazing.
You're fucking David Hale, oh my God.
Unbelievable, two different threesomes this week.
So where did this happen? The obstacle course?
Uh, no, dude. I...
Both in my place.
Did the kids get put in timeout for that?
Yeah.
I'm getting devil-damed.
So explain to some of these people that are out there,
a lot of single or fan bases is a lot of single men.
Um...
It's better...
Explain to these young men
how they could have their own threesome too.
How does this happen?
Twice in one week, I mean,
you must be killing it at Yahtzee outside.
Ah...
Honesty kills the game.
Just be honest.
You know, hey, I'm talking to someone else.
They're into chicks.
They saw your profile, think you're hot.
You want to come over?
Okay.
So they came over to your place, and then what happened?
I'm sorry.
Well, I mean, we did a little marijuana,
did a little drinking.
The first... the one girl showed up first.
So we had some sex before the other girl showed up,
because it took her like 45 minutes.
Her husband sent her over.
Whoa.
One of those situations.
Dave?
What a day at the RV park.
Ah.
Wow.
Is this LZJ4559er?
No?
Hail to the chief, dude.
No. Hail to the chief, dude.
So you bang one girl, and you finish.
You sit around waiting for the other girl,
and then the other girl comes, and then what happens?
Take us through step by step.
Step by step, I made the one girl answer my door
and bring her in.
So I'm already sitting in the bedroom,
and then the other girl told her to start sickening my dick,
and I had both of them eat my ass.
I did the whole arch your back backwards,
the rusty trombone real situation.
Get back there. Get back.
No.
I bidet, so it's clean.
Wow.
Even...
No.
Tony, I've never seen you like this.
I am.
Even your spray on tan is blushing.
I mean, really.
I'm going, I'm going with this.
Very excited right now.
This is incredible.
So you had two girls eat your ass.
Correct.
And you had never met them before this.
I met one before this, yeah.
Okay. Yep, and then the other one was a hinge date, supposedly.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, by the way, in three weeks,
whenever you see this, this is my bad.
No, don't apologize.
This is the best interview of the night so far.
All right, well, there you go.
You'll get some DMs, don't you?
When you talk to the police, I take out parts like,
I made her do this, I made her do that.
Made her open the door.
Hell yeah.
So from the front door to the back door,
they eat your ass, and then what happens?
Let's keep going in order here, step by step.
Uh, yeah, the new arrival was sitting on my face,
and the old arrival was sitting on my crotch,
and then they decided to switch places
maybe 10 minutes in.
Wow.
And then my back, I mean, I'm old,
so I had to switch positions, switched into doggy style,
and the one girl continued to eat my asshole,
I fucked her doggy style.
Wow.
Yeah, I'm an animal. I'm really sorry, Mom.
I so...
Mom's getting her ass ate right now.
So, you know, it runs in the family.
She is an animal, too.
There's Red Band's fart sound effect for the episode.
One per episode, guaranteed, always.
When you're in a threesome, it's always embarrassing to ask,
who's closer to the Tylenol?
My back's acting up.
Acetaminophen, if you will. So, how many times do you come during this night
with two different women?
Cause you came-
I got a four.
Wow.
I got a four.
I've been on a mad run.
I can't keep, like every day, four or five.
Do you use any performance enhancingenhancing drugs during this?
Nothing, never have.
I'm scared of it because of my heart.
What's wrong with your heart?
I don't know, just fat all my life.
How'd you lose the weight?
Jiu-jitsu.
Wow.
I used to be 335 pounds.
Look at that.
Yeah.
Wow.
You went from rear naked choked to rear naked folk.
Eating your ass.
I got laid when I was a fatty, too.
It's just about honesty. I don't know what it is.
That's incredible.
But here you are now as a young Putin impersonator.
I assume...
the women are throwing themselves at you.
Well, Corey Smith, wildly horrible step
at an unbelievable interview.
Your honesty during the interview is the same reason
why this was a success and why you get threesomes
all the time.
Before I let you go, I only talked about one threesome.
Let's cover the other one real quick.
Is this the same main girl in the other threesome?
Or is it two different?
No, two, so I tried five different girls
on the second girl.
We kept trying, because the one girl wanted
to have a threesome really bad. We kept trying, because the one girl wanted to have a threesome
really bad.
We kept trying and trying and trying.
Two people said yes, but never showed up.
The two people that said yes hit me up the next morning.
So I said, come get it.
And at 11 AM, they came and got it.
So let's go real quick.
All right, hang on a second.
I didn't plan on talking about this,
but I made the one girl suck the other girls off of me.
Wait, explain.
No shower in between.
Explain what that means.
The night before's pussy got sucked off
the next morning by new chick.
You didn't shower?
They told me not to.
Wow, this guy is single-handedly causing
a super strain of an STD or, you know.
This is how coronavirus started.
It all comes back to Corey Smith.
So, how many times do you think you came the next morning?
Just twice.
Just twice, so a total of six, we could guess, in 24 hours.
In 12, yeah.
Wow.
Yeah, 12 hours.
Unbelievable.
This guy is fucking incredible.
You ever think about getting a Costa Rican vasectomy?
I don't even know what that is.
Well, there you go.
Here's a little joke book.
There he goes.
Cory Smith, everybody.
All right.
Unfortunately, the great Cam Patterson could not make it here tonight.
I know.
Very, very sad.
His first Monday miss since he's become a regular.
He's in Florida visiting family,
taking care of business right now.
However, in his place tonight,
we do have one of the greatest golden ticket winners
in the history of the show.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a new 60 seconds
from the great and powerful Martin Phillips, everyone.
Martin Phillips. a true crime podcast. I just have to kill the people first.
You know?
Uh, you know.
Uh, uh.
There, yeah, there is a place, like, confess.
I'm like, subscribe.
And, uh, like, where are the bodies?
Like, that's next episode.
You know?
It's going good.
Uh, you know, I don't want you episode, you know? It's going good.
You know, I don't want you to see, like,
Dalmatians at the firehouses.
I never understood why, but I think I figured it out.
I think it's like the gold, the scene, like, hey,
start your house burn down.
What a better dog.
Nothing fucked me up, okay? Where I think? Okay, well, bottom being, okay,
I'm not married.
I'm too, you know, too gullible of a man.
He can't, you know, hold me down,
but my friend get me married to five years.
He was like, yeah, yeah, I'd treat it like a job.
And I was like, man, I've been pretty shitty
at a lot of my jobs, you know?
I've been fired, you know?
That's why I came up with a better analogy.
Treat it like a vacation,
because you stay long for it, you look forward to it.
Then we get there, it kinda sucks, but... But we're here, and we're gonna have a good time,
damn it, all right?
Make it the best of it, all right?
So...
Martin Phillips with a brand-new Minut 35.
That's how you do it.
That's how you do it.
Yeah.
Again, one of the greatest Golden Ticket winners
in the history of the show.
Always, 100% of the time, an unbelievable set.
Incredible performance tonight.
How many threesomes have you had this week?
Oh, that, more than that guy.
Whatever he said.
You are an unbelievable fucking performer, Martin.
Dave, what do you think about this guy?
First of all, we got a picture before the show
but it's all a blur and
The tech joke, all right
Hell yeah, I think I think? Yeah.
Awesome joke writing.
How long have you been doing it, buddy?
A while.
Like a decade or so.
It's actually, believe it or not...
A decade.
Ten years.
Ten years.
Believe it or not, that's less than most of the bucket pools tonight.
We had two 13 and 11 years and a bar back from next door.
But so far the performance of the night,
how's life been going for you, Martin?
Good, you know, actually I'm dressed up
looking nice tonight for a reason.
Because everyone tell, I have heard from millions of people
that I sound like this one guy.
So I'm officially becoming an RFK Junior impersonator.
Ah!
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's how you do it.
This guy killed it.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
That's great.
It's true.
Oh, I got it.
But it's contra... It's interesting. You're like if RF'm... That's great. It's true.
But it's contra... It's interesting.
You're like if RFK Jr. took the vaccine.
Yeah.
Nice one, Tony.
Oh.
Oh.
I love it. Wow.
So, I'm really excited.
There's not too many people I can impersonate,
so I'm really happy that I'm here.
Incredible.
Incredible.
He's running for president.
You're waddling for president.
That's amazing.
What else have you been up to, Martin?
Oh, you know, just hanging around, chilling.
I don't know.
Yeah.
What was that joke that got stepped on?
I didn't hear the end of it.
What was the joke?
Oh, it was like,
uh, like the Dalmatian out of the firehouse
was like the reason they're like,
hey, start your house burn down.
Want to pet our dog?
That's, that's, that's all we can do.
That's all we got.
Okay.
Okay, good.
It got loud.
Okay, good, good, good, okay, good. Cool. got louts, okay, go on, go on, go on.
Do you ever get girls hitting you up, fans of the show,
trying to hang out with you or something like that?
This is a crazy story.
It's not even in the signing in my DMs,
I got an actual email, it's just like, like spam, you know?
And she hit me up with a regular message,
but then at the end, she wrote,
P.S. I'll sign an NDA.
Yeah.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ah. Ah.
Wake up. Ha-ha-ha. Wake up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha for five years, so barely an open marriage, but you know.
Yeah.
Yeah, so.
Now, after the show, when you go back to the laboratory,
I was gonna ask you.
Oh, yeah.
What projects are you working on?
Ha ha ha.
It's unbelievable, Martin.
What else you been doing around Austin, Texas?
How's Texas been treating you?
It's all right, yeah.
Same old stuff, you know?
Yeah?
Yeah.
I have a boring life.
Like what? What does it seem like?
What goes on?
I get recognized a lot more.
That's pretty cool.
I'm not just in Austin.
Like, I've been out in town.
They recognize me, so it's worldwide, you know?
And I'm going for it.
I'm pitbull, you know?
So, yeah.
I love it, man.
You absolutely did it again.
You're unbelievable.
We love you, Martin Phillips.
Anything else we should know about before letting you go?
I'm good.
I don't want to change the tone or anything, but a friend of mine, a comedian I met in
D.C., he passed away.
He's gone.
But he left his special out there, so you can't remember him.
Good guy just searched on YouTube,
J.E. Agbon, and that's the way I said it, so...
Check it out. Rest in peace.
Good guy. And R.F.K. Jueger approves it.
So, thank you.
There he goes. Martin Phillips.
Martin. Martin. great one, buddy.
Yes, indeed.
Hello there, yet again.
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Okay.
Ooh, thank you, Heidi.
All right, pulling another name out of the bucket. This is an exciting one,
because this is one of our producers, a guy that fucking hustles around for the show,
does a lot of work around here. Normally, this is the guy that goes and grabs everybody
and brings them back, so he's very excited to perform. I think he signs up all the time, rarely ever gets pulled.
Make some noise for Colt, everybody.
It's Colt.
You know him.
You love him.
From back in the day.
You either die, Matt Reif, or you live long enough
to see yourself become Dane Cook.
Good, good. or you live long enough to see yourself become dang cook?
Good, good.
No, I'm an Austin local.
I've been here in hell, Austin, three years now.
It's going great.
You hear a lot of weird stuff on Sixth Street.
The other day, this guy walked up to me and he goes,
hey man, you know albino people eat the best ass.
I was like, what? Right?
What the fuck?
He goes, yes, because they already have pink eye.
My god, weird eyes, those folks.
You guys like politics?
Palestine?
I don't think they're pals with any Steins.
Thank you, that's my time.
That's a great joke.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
That's funny.
Good to be here. Hell yeah, Col. Thank you, sir. That's funny.
Good to be here.
Hell yeah, Colt. You are. You're always here, but you're never there.
Yes, sir. I know. I know.
I'm happy to be here now, though.
Incredible. David Spade, what'd you think about this young guy?
I thought he had good stuff.
I think I liked Pink Guy, I liked Palestine.
Mm-hmm.
That's a good one.
And I think you had three, right? So boom, boom, boom.
I think two out of three hit.
That's pretty good. Those two were good.
Thank you, sir. Appreciate you.
Yeah, the mat, right?
Dave, you like that?
I think I love how Tony is insourcing.
This guy's a runner for the show.
Who's next? Your maid?
What's going on here?
Yeah.
Nicole became a part of the show many, many years ago.
Famously we found him on a road show in Dallas, Texas,
and we found out he can kick really high.
He's a kung fu, you were the kung fu champion or something?
Changheng style taekwondo. I was a fourth degree black belt,
and I competed internationally a lot.
Wow.
Sorry, I'm getting nervous. I don't know. I don't do it anymore, really.
I'm getting nervous you're going to ask me to kick.
Yeah, just kick real quick.
Don't make a big deal about it.
No big deal.
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.
Whoa.
Hell yeah.
Holy man.
Wow.
What an insult to the last act.
Whoa.
Look at that.
Do it again.
Dave didn't see.
Do it again. Do it again. Dave didn't see. Do it again, do it again.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Wow, you would kill it at the Children's Obstacle Course.
That would kill. I do, I do.
80 pounds of bad news.
Yeah.
85.
85.
So tell us more, Colt. What else is about your life?
What's been going on?
Oh my gosh. I love my life. I'm so blessed.
You and Red Band have completely changed my life.
I ran and operated a martial art academy for many years.
And after COVID, of course, before that I got on your show.
I closed my school down and I moved down here.
Started working at the Vulcan. Now proudly work at the Sunset Strip. I got on your show. I closed my school down and I moved down here and started working at the Vulcan.
Now proudly work at the Sunset Strip.
I'm a sound guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I'm loving life.
And you're doing a lot of comedy.
Absolutely, like 14 times a week to try to get out.
Tony, you know, I learned something about Colt recently.
He is like a crazy yo-yo champion.
He's like a bad ass yo-yo.
You have a yo-yo on you?
I do backstage, I think.
Oh, we got to get that yo-yo I do backstage, I think. Oh, we gotta get that yoyo, everybody.
Yoyo.
Oh, wow.
Somebody knew it was coming.
Look at that.
Oh, yeah.
This is some yoyo music right here.
Give me some cool music.
Okay.
And it's time to yoyo, everybody.
Here we go-go.
Uh-oh.
Oh, walkin' the Oh, walking the dog.
Walked it up.
Nice.
Where's the trombone at?
Give me some trombone on this.
Wow.
Rock the baby.
Holy shit.
Wow.
Round the world.
That's awesome.
Wow.
Wow, incredible.
Hey Tony. Tony. Yeah, David's awesome. Wow, incredible. Hey, Tony.
Tony.
David's out.
Tony, it's official.
The comedy boom is over.
I mean, it's over now.
That's it.
That's it.
Get out while you can.
Yo-yo tricks.
I heard you also do bird calls. Can you do the bird calls, man? Yo-yo tricks.
I heard you also do bird calls. Can you do the bird calls, man?
I actually, I can spin plates on sticks as well.
Very good.
This guy is the complete package.
Funny, flexible,
and with that yo-yo thing, available.
I mean, really.
This guy, you better hang on to him, Tony.
This guy's going places.
Oh, yeah.
He's one of our hardest workers,
one of our great, great, great, great people on the squad.
Good for the morale, good for everything.
What else, Colt?
Okay.
That's it.
You already have access to any joke book you want,
pretty much. You can just pop.
Oh, do I? Oh, shit.
I didn't know that.
You've never gotten a big one?
No, sir. That was before my...
That was... Yeah.
Really?
Well, if you give him this now, what are you gonna give him
for Christmas? I mean, really. You was before my time. That was... Yeah. Really? Well, if you give him this now, what are you gonna give him for Christmas?
I mean, really.
You cheap piece of shit.
You cheap prick.
-♪
Yeah, yeah, hopefully a raise.
-♪
I don't...
Ah!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh my god, how about another hand for David's Hell, by the way, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely, truly killing Tony, as always.
His new special Hot Cross Buns is out now, so make sure you go see it immediately.
Alright, I'm excited about this next bucket poll, because it's a one word name that I've
never seen before, I don't believe.
So those are always interesting.
They tend to either be absolutely hysterical
or crazier than shit.
Let's see what happens with the comedy styling.
60 seconds of Zebulon, everybody.
The Kill Tony debut of Zebulon.
Okay, here we go.
So I got a theme going on which is heavy set. It both describes my body type and the material I'm gonna do.
So let's start off in a good place though.
I'm celebrating 20 years of marriage.
Some noise.
I appreciate it.
It's actually not that great.
She's a really annoying bitch that's always on my back.
No, I'm not married to a woman. I'm married to chronic pain. I've been in
pain every day for the last 20 years with a spinal injury, so hip hip hooray I
guess. Despite all the pain, maybe because of it, drugs aren't that effective. I
used to take a hundred and eighty milligrams of morphine every day. Never
got me high. It it kinda helped the pain.
Most different for me was getting me super constipated
so it definitely wasn't the shit, you know?
I'm gonna be honest with y'all, sadly,
I'm thinking about divorcing Payne.
She's just always on my nerves.
I just haven't had the courage to pull that trigger yet.
All right, that's my time. Thank y'all, I'm Zev Green. I just haven't had the courage to pull that trigger yet.
All right, that's my time. Thank y'all. I'm Zeb Green.
All right, Zebulon.
Yes, sir.
Fuck yeah, welcome to the show, Zebulon.
What a cool name. Where does that come from?
Yeah, it is a Hebrew name,
but my mother got it from the 70s TV show
How the West Was One, Zebulon McKahan.
I'm country as shit.
Wow. how country?
Where were you raised?
Hot Springs, Arkansas.
Okay.
I was on here about a year ago.
I've lost like 130 pounds and grew a beard since then.
So.
Wow.
Did you go by the name Zebulon then?
I went by Zeb Green.
So recently I've changed my stage name to Zebulon.
Okay.
Yeah.
All right.
Wow. What made you change your name to Zebulon?
He moved to Mars. Exactly. Yeah. All right. Wow.
What made you change your name to Zebulon?
He moved to Mars.
Exactly.
Yeah, I don't know.
I just felt like it had a little more presence to it, something more unique.
To be honest with you, I felt like I've grown in my confidence over this last year, and
it made me feel more confident on stage.
It just, like, Zebulon, go up there and fucking kill this shit.
I love it.
I love it.
Is that your real first name, Zebulon? my full name is Brian Michael Zebulon Green.
I have way too many fucking names.
Yeah, so it's my third name.
I go by Zeb and then on stage Zebulon.
Amazing. What do you do for a living?
So I was in the aerospace industry for a long time,
but I'm disabled.
My back's all fucked up.
Like I was talking about my set.
How did your back get fucked up?
Car wreck. Somebody hit me from behind and it tore my nerve root My back's all fucked up like I was talking about my set back it fucked up car wreck
Somebody hit me from behind and it tore my nerve root and crushed my spine So my spine's fused together and my nerve roots torn and I have a spinal cord stimulator installed
You know what that is now tell us so I have like wires in my spine and a battery in my back
And it basically interrupts the pain signal my brain and tells my brain not as much pain as I'm in
So instead of being a 10 out of 10 all the time,
I'm usually a five to six out of 10 all the time.
So I can function.
Right now you're in pain.
Yeah, I can't feel my left leg hardly
and cause I do all these mics
and waiting on mics and everything.
But it's a lot better from 2007 to 2019.
I was basically bedridden in pain
before they put the stimulator in.
Okay, how high can you kick?
I would not attempt that because I'd fall off stage
and kill somebody.
Absolutely.
No, definitely kidding.
What do you do for fun, Zebulon?
What takes the pain away?
To be honest with you, and I know
this is the cheap answer, it's just comedy.
I can't really do much other than that
because grinding on mics, waiting around, which I love, that's all part of the game.
People around town know me because I carry my own chair around with me.
When you do open mics, you're in a club that's full of empty chairs, but
I have my own chair, it looks ridiculous, but I have to have it for comfort.
So usually during the day, I'm in so much pain from doing all the activities,
I just recover and get ready to go grind again.
Is there anything that could help this pain?
Is there anything, could help this pain?
Is there anything, an operation?
Have you heard about anything?
Well, they're scared to cut the nerves
because you could lose mobility.
So I've tried morphine, they put me on fentanyl,
that didn't work.
I've tried like this year.
I was raised kind of religious background.
We can get into my, my whole life has been pain.
It's very interesting.
So I never tried a lot of substances,
but I tried alcohol, weed, mushrooms,
all at different times last year.
None of that worked, like nothing works.
So don't tell me there's something negative about fentanyl.
What was fentanyl like?
Can you describe it to us?
What was that like?
Yeah. So for me, which is ridiculous,
I have a joke about it.
I can tell you in a minute if you'd like? Yeah, so for me, which is ridiculous, I have a joke about it I can tell you in a minute
if you'd like, but so for the fentanyl,
y'all know it's supposed to be 100 times
more powerful than morphine.
So they gave it to me and they give you
like a transdermal patch, soaks in your skin,
it's supposed to be very effective.
They told me to put one on and they said
because you haven't had anything in your body
in a long time, it'll probably put you right to sleep.
I go home, nothing happens, I call them, and they're like, hey, take some hydrocodones with it. you haven't had anything in your body in a long time it'll probably put you right to sleep. I go home nothing happens I call them and
they're like hey take some hydrocodones with it that didn't do anything and they
said we'll put two patches on I did that and took hydrocodones it didn't do
anything I actually sent the patches to the manufacturer and had them tested
they're like these are full of fentanyl you should be like dead or something and
I was like no I'm good so just nothing works and so pain is kind of like the
the theme of my life.
I've always been in pain and it's like what pushes me forward
and it's just what it is, what it is.
So right now, what are you on right now?
It's just I have the stimulator in my back and that's it.
Okay. Well, it's definitely not Ozempic.
No.
Absolutely.
Have you ever thought about that?
Have you ever thought about it?
How did you lose the weight originally?
So to be quite honest with you when I came up here, it was a
February 13th of last year y'all were still at the Balkan as the day I moved to Austin and I got called on Kill Tony
did comedy and
Yeah, and so when I got home
I just thought about everything and I was like, you know
If I ever want to fit in a plane seat if I'm ever able lucky to travel enough
You know travel go do comedy, I was like, better lose this weight.
So I just quit eating.
And I was suicidal, and all kinds of things were going on.
When I did comedy, when I moved here, and comedy, like,
literally saved my life.
Because fortunately, people have been laughing.
So, yeah.
So I just, I was basically like, I don't need it.
I need comedy. I don't need to eat.
So.
Wow. So you just stopped eating.
Yeah.
Wow. And the fentanyl patches still didn't work. Well, I live over there.
Well, I didn't have to try them while I tried the other stuff and says they
didn't work, but I live in the same building that Celia Celia Contreras lives
in. So my apartment's so bad that like for, uh, I mean now anyway, my apartment
so nasty, I can't even cook in it. So that helped. I'm poor. And I was like,
I can't cook in here because the rats and the roaches, so I'll just not eat.
Wow. Yeah.
Incredible.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh, shit.
Uh-huh.
You got me stumped here, Zeb.
Okay.
I can tell you about the beginning of my life.
It's even worse, so.
Yeah. Amazing.
So stand-up comedy is the only time
when you're really not focused on the pain?
Pretty much.
And even I have a resting pain phase, you know?
So I'll have to remind myself late at night,
depending on how many mics I've done,
because obviously from just even sitting in a chair hurts me.
The only thing that makes the pain even better
is laying on my right hip and getting the pressure off of it.
So sitting in the chair, waiting on mics, doing mics,
standing up, all that, by the end of the night,
I'm really in a lot of pain.
And so when I get on stage, I can get it out of my mind
because I know how to compartmentalize.
But I'll realize sometimes my countenance won't be good
because I'm in pain.
I'm like, oh, I need to fake this
because people will listen to me.
They're like, well, this guy's not having fun.
And so I've learned how to, I'm having fun, but it's just the pain.
You know what I mean?
So I've just learned how to dictate that on my face, so...
I think I know how to cheer him up.
Yeah.
Pfft.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
This is true.
This is a real balloon from the great Dave Attell.
Absolutely incredible.
Whoo! Why does he have a balloon on him? A real balloon from the great Dave Attell. Absolutely incredible.
Why does he have a balloon on him? A true balloon, absolutely amazing.
Oh, you got it.
What's that?
It's a real balloon.
It's a happy birthday balloon.
Wow.
How do you feel now?
Feel better?
Four out of 10 on the pain.
Zero out of 10 on pain.
Dave Attell, doing the Lord's work out here,
who would have guessed that all it took
was a quarter-filled balloon to be able to...
I'm winded, by the way.
There you go.
Any time that pops, you can smell
the sweet scent of American spirit.
The breath of a dying man.
Well, Zebulon, I was very, very, very intrigued
by your tale and your story.
Congrats on losing the weight and getting funnier
and all this.
How much time do you think you've acquired all together
to stand up comedy?
I was going to ask him, actually.
How long is your longest set?
I say this very humbly, because I'm just over a year. but I have 25 proven and then a lot of stories with it, too.
So I've been grinding, grinding hard as shit on it.
So six. Cool.
Keep at it, brother.
Keep at it. It gets better.
Keep at it, dude. You're doing great.
I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.
Awesome.
There you go. A booked spot.
Less pain.
Dave, making some adjustments to the balloon here.
If you ever want to talk to me.
There you go.
Turn that frown upside down.
There's a happy face on that balloon now.
There you go.
Zepulon, everybody.
He's got a spot. The fun train keeps moving along
as I pull another name out of the bucket. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi everybody?
Gina with 3A's dot HG on Instagram. An absolute charismatic sensation. We love her around
here. And with that, your next bucket pull. Kent Hunter, everybody.
60 seconds uninterrupted for Kent Hunter.
Here we go. Here's Kent, everybody.
Here we go. Here's Kent, everybody.
Here we go. Here's Kent, everybody.
Here we go. Here we go.
Last time I got on the show,
Tony had arranged a date for me,
which was really cool,
because I got to live out my lifelong dream
of appropriating Indian culture.
That's funny.
Whenever I get nervous,
my legs have a tendency to start shaking.
And so my mom told me to help with the nerves
to just imagine the audience naked.
So if you guys see me start shaking tonight,
I'm not nervous, I'm just really horny.
Yeah. Earlier this month, my sister was in a car accident,
and she's all right, but the car is totaled.
Personally, I would have chose to celebrate
International Women's Day another way.
Yeah, but what do I know?
I have a penis in a car that works.
So, man, you guys.
Oh, there we go.
Oh, there we go.
I was thinking the other day,
if someone with Parkinson's has an orgasm,
do they stop shaking?
Whoa.
That's all right, man.
Nice. Thank you.
There you go.
A full minute from Pent Hunter.
Thank you.
Very lucky man. You get pulled out of the bucket a lot.
I know.
This is your second time in just a few weeks, correct?
Yes, sir.
And last time you were on, we talked about how you were a virgin.
We did.
And I sent you on a date. We got you on a date.
I gave, I think, a couple hundred bucks.
Sent you off to a nice restaurant.
It was fantastic. Thank you very much for that.
How did that go?
Take us through it, the people want to know.
It went really well.
That was actually the second nicest restaurant
I think I've ever been in in my life.
What was the first nicest restaurant?
Uh, CalFords Chop House in Jacksonville.
I don't know if you've ever been there.
Very nice restaurant, but.
Yeah, I think I've been there actually.
One of the best restaurants.
Yeah, okay.
It was like one of the only. Shout out to CalFords. I think you got me there, I think I've been there actually. One of the best restaurants. Yeah, okay. It's like one of the only.
Shout out to Calphear.
I think you got me there.
I think you're right about that one.
Rings the bell.
Yeah, but it was really nice.
It was cool.
Me and her, we just talked comedy, most of it.
Both comedians, so we just had a good time.
Just enjoyed some amazing food and got to talk.
And then you guys got to do spots at the Secret Show.
We did, that was fantastic.
Thank you for that as well.
Okay, and did you lose your virginity?
I did not.
Okay.
I did not.
So where do you think it went wrong?
I don't know.
Personally, I wasn't that attracted to her.
Whoa.
So I was.
And I know.
Wow.
Look who's, look at that.
Little picky virgin over here.
Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's like giving an Ethiopian a Big Mac Wow. Look who's... Look at the little picky virgin over here.
Jesus Christ.
It's like giving an Ethiopian a Big Mac
and then being like, I'm good.
I'm all right. I'm not that hungry.
Tony, I actually heard from her after he left immediately
after his spot, and she told me some things
about what happened at the beginning of the day.
Uh-oh. Okay.
Here's the gossip machine Brian Redban.
Here we go.
Did you tell her certain things that, uh,
that needed to happen at this date?
Like, you weren't... This was just...
Why don't you just say what you heard and, uh...
Well, I didn't message her,
because I was...
I appreciate what you were doing for me,
but I was a little uncomfortable
with the whole situation.
So I let her know before.
What?
What?
I don't know, I just...
Personally, I just wanted to do it on my own,
just figure out...
How old are you again?
20.
Oh, you're 20.
Okay, well, I mean, no rush.
All right.
Yeah.
How's it doing?
Man, I knew I shouldn't have given away that balloon.
How's it doing? Man, I knew I shouldn't have given away that balloon.
That was great.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
So how do you think you're gonna do it on your own?
If I can't help you, no one can help you.
I mean, even when it naturally happens,
like a buddy puts in a word, you know what I mean?
Like, hey, Kent likes you, he's a good guy.
You know, like, people get help.
You don't want an assist at all.
What are you, Kobe Bryant?
Just fucking, you gotta shoot the shot yourself?
See, Kobe jokes don't even work anymore.
He can't even do a good ball hog joke anymore.
That used to be what he was famous for.
Now it's a helicopter crash, you know what I mean?
No real ball hog as famous as Kobe.
What?
I guess I am like Kobe, though.
I keep crashing and burning.
Whoa.
Look at that.
Hell yeah.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Absolutely. Wow. Young my goodness gracious. Absolutely.
Wow.
Okay.
A young man at a crossroads,
five years away from renting a car.
Look at that.
Young guy in a second fancy restaurant.
So what else is going on, Kent?
You've been on the show a lot. So we've talked a lot. Is there anything about your life we haven't covered
that might be interesting?
You get pulled out of the bucket a lot.
I know, this is the part I'm always worried about.
God loves you in every way,
except for that whole fucking dry dick thing.
You know what I mean?
I wonder if that's why he loves me.
No.
It's not real. None of it's real.
Maybe you could team up with the threesome guy and get some tips.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Have you ever thought about watching another man fuck two chicks at once?
Go, Belvin.
Turns out his ass is the third best restaurant you've ever been to. Wow. So Kent, anything else?
Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy or anything?
No, really.
This is all I care about.
That's all you care about.
When that guy was out here, did you get hard?
When he did that, you were like, whoa.
Is there a type of porn that you enjoy?
Oh, we talked about this last time.
It's all lesbian. Lesbian porn.
Right. Not a good sort of...
No.
So you seem like
a kind of good looking dude.
I feel like you would do okay out there.
I'm really awkward. Socially awkward.
Yeah, no shit.
I'm really awkward, socially awkward. I'm not. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. I'm just saying.
Thanks for leaking all the secrets.
Got a peek in the diary.
How tall are you?
How tall?
Yeah.
Six three.
Wow, what do you think of that ladies?
That's all that matters.
Tall man.
Yeah, it's all about that.
Anyone have a gutter that needs cleaning?
Dress board. That's all that matters. It's all man. Yeah, it's all about... Does anyone have a gutter that needs cleaning? Your dress board?
Do you think it's like a...
Do you think it's like a religious thing
that's holding you back?
Is it, do you think the Lord's watching or something?
No, I don't think it's that.
I just, I'm very, like I said, very awkward
and I have trouble talking to women.
A lot of it, so.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
All right.
Have you ever DM'd on Instagram?
Or is that too much of a...
Not really.
Too weird, yeah.
Oh.
I'm just...
Have you ever, okay, I give up.
Yeah, I don't know, I'm sorry.
You really don't care about it, do you?
I know, I'm just, I figure it'll happen when it happens.
I'm not too, I'm just gonna focus on comedy for now
and it'll happen when it happens. All right, too... I'm just gonna focus on comedy for now, and it'll happen when it happens.
All right, well, how did you like the new Ghostbusters?
Yeah.
I mean, the poor kid, you're boxing him in the corner
here with all this sex stuff.
Oh.
Kent, you already have joke bugs.
You've been on this show a lot.
Another new minute. Congratulations.
Thank you. Thank you. Kent Hunter.
There he goes.
Kent Hunter.
Not that he can do this with a cunt hunter,
because this guy's not looking for cunt at all.
He's just doing the comedy thing,
and when it happens, it'll happen.
You know what I mean?
All right. Love the band.
How about a hand for the band tonight?
Are they the fucking best or what?
Oh, my God. Unbelievable. All right, love the band. How about a hand for the band tonight? Are they the fucking best or what?
Oh my God, unbelievable.
All right, we're flying through them tonight.
Make some noise for Nate Barnard, everybody.
Nate Barnard is next.
On Keltoni, here we go.
And put your hands together for Nate, everybody.
These guys wait all night for this.
Everybody gets a...
Hello?
Wait all night for this. Everybody gets a...
Hello?
I've been working on a dating app for school shooters.
It's called Column Fine.
We got to get them shacking up, not shooting up.
Get them distracted from what they're good at.
Other dating apps are like, swipe left, swipe right.
Our dating app is like,
duck left, duck right, aah!
My girlfriend is a crisis actor.
She gets upset about all this shit that never happened.
I've been, um, watching so many OnlyFans leaks.
I can only get off to women who can't make it financially.
People always pick on Lance Armstrong for taking drugs,
but his brother landed on the moon.
Could you imagine living up to that amount of pressure?
Fuck yeah. Nate Barnard.
Rock solid set. Big laughs from the crowd.
No one says good night or any ending.
It's just they fade away.
Yeah. I love it. Big laughs from the crowd. No one says goodnight or any ending. It's just they fade away.
Yeah.
I love it.
Nate, welcome.
This is your first time on the show, correct?
Yeah, first time.
I would remember a face like yours.
How long you been doing stand-up?
About six years.
Six years. How old are you?
32.
Six years, 32.
Where you been doing stand-up at?
Started in Connecticut for about five years.
Okay.
It's a wasteland.
Hartford?
Yeah, Hartford.
All the shitty open mics, like Irish bars with, like, drunk people.
Yeah.
Connecticut, famously, one of the worst places in America.
Oh, yeah.
Famously.
It was a dark time in my life.
Is that where you were born and raised?
Grew up in Massachusetts, but yeah, moved to Connecticut.
What made you move to Connecticut?
Uh, my mom's church was in Connecticut,
and she was, like, driving hours,
and I was like, you should just move.
You know, like...
Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
You suggested the move?
Yeah, well, you know, sometimes you just got to be like,
you can't just drive, you know, a couple hours every week.
You know, I mean, with Jesus as our you can't just drive a couple hours every week.
I mean, with Jesus as our co-pilot,
you would think that it would be easier.
Nate, what do you do for work?
I work at Whole Foods.
Ooh, nice.
What do you do at Whole Foods?
I'm in the dairy aisle.
I'm just in the back, like slugging it out, yeah.
Yeah, wow.
Slugging it out.
Yeah. I'm on like 500 milligrams, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Slugging it out.
Yeah.
I'm on like 500 milligrams of caffeine.
Yeah.
Dude.
Now, my first real legit, like on a tax form job was at a grocery store, and a lot of people
don't know this, but dairy people spend most of their time inside of a refrigerator.
They found out I was good at dairy, and then they're like, you're only working dairy now.
Yeah, it's a, it's a.
It was kind of easy for three weeks,
and then they're like, yeah, you're doing dairy.
It's a blessing and a curse.
It's my life, yep.
See, I had a, I trade, I pick it up as a Trader Joe's man,
but.
I don't talk to those people.
I get it, yeah.
Yeah, it's like the Red Sox and the Yankees.
Vicious rivalry.
Give us a story from the Whole Foods.
Something happen there? A cart?
Something with a cart?
There's, like, two teens, like, running...
Like, one was in a grocery, like...
Yeah.
Like, in the grocery cart, the other was pushing it.
Yeah.
And they just, like, slammed into, like,
an end cap with beer in it and just, like, went everywhere.
End cap, lingo.
And then, um.
That's good.
He's using the lingo.
Inside baseball right there.
I'm giving you behind the scenes here.
The end cap is the display area at the end of an aisle.
But yeah, there's this black lady
and she's like, that woman is a bitch.
Oh.
Wait, who said that?
There's like a crowd gathering. Sorry, I'm rushing the story a bit. Oh, over by who said that? There's, like, a crowd gathering.
Sorry, I'm rushing the story a bit.
Oh, over by the end cap?
Well, like, everyone was watching
all the beer fall and shit.
Trying to get my bearings.
Yeah.
I will give you this, Nate,
and I'll...
We'll come back to Whole Foods in a second,
but...
We gotta talk.
Please remind us.
But I think it was very challenging.
It's very hard to start your set with school shooting jokes.
So it was an uphill battle, as you found.
But you really turned it around on the next one.
He did. You really did, buddy.
You saved it and got him back, and that's a tough thing to do.
Yeah, we've seen that a couple times tonight.
I noticed that with Colt as well.
He did that weird Matt Rife, Dane Cook joke
and ended with that great Palestine,
pals of Stein's joke.
They're not front loading it.
And it's like, if you move the best stuff to the front,
changes the momentum of your entire set, the whole wave.
And the Lance Armstrong girl was, that was pretty awesome.
For a guy who looks like he doesn't have a car but a bike,
I assume that one just rode itself.
This is your first time on the show.
Tell us more about you. What do you do for fun?
Well, I'm running those electric bikes around a lot.
You love that. Look at the smile that came on your...
I'm really poor.
It came alive.
It's not great.
Yeah, that really woke you up there.
The electric bicycle brings you great joy.
Because it's like you're working out, but you're not.
It's not, yeah.
You know who loves electric bicycles
more than anybody I know?
Fitness King, Brian Redban.
Have you been e-biking?
Oh yeah, do you have a Super 73?
What do you have?
No, dude, I use the cheap city bike.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
That is the...
Girls are pulling their panties back up.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
But it brings you great joy.
Where do you take these electric city bicycles to and fro?
Like around the... that, like, trail
around the river, lake thing or whatever.
How long have you lived in Austin?
It's been about two years.
Two years, and you love it?
Yeah, it's pretty great.
Yeah, pretty great.
Like a thousand times better than Connecticut?
Oh yeah, like anything's better than Connecticut.
Yeah.
They don't even have electric bikes in Connecticut, do they?
No, no.
David Tell.
I was just wondering
when we're getting back to this Whole Foods thing.
Yeah, let's get back to it.
That is the grocery store of choice
of most people that can't afford it.
You almost died that one.
No, they always say, you know, that must be a place
to have you run into some, like,
MILFS or something like that.
MILFS? Yes, he works in dairy.
Whole milk, 2%.
Yeah.
Give him that vitamin D.
No, it's just beautiful, like, college-age women
and then, like, the homeless.
Ah.
Yeah.
Mm.
Who are you turned on by more?
Yeah.
I know my answer.
I got a lot to learn from the homeless, so...
Do they, do you guys have, like, nicknames there?
Like, yours is, like, white meat.
Like, what do they call you there?
Yeah, what's your grocery store nickname?
Mostly I'm in the shadows, you know?
I'm just in the back in the dairy cooler.
Smart, Lalo.
Back in the dairy cooler.
Is it the original Whole Foods here in Austin that you work at or the one that's the creepy
small one by the freeway?
Yeah, the Target one.
Oh boy.
Oh no.
Oh no.
Oh no, anybody that knows the city knows
you don't go to that fucking Whole Foods.
They tried to like slam it into this super,
it's like the Sunset Strip of comedy clubs.
It's a...
Nice.
Except the ceilings are lower, believe it or not,
at the Whole Foods, I'm not kidding.
I have one last question.
Yeah, of course.
When you go in those freezers,
do they lock, does anyone get locked inside
or do they have a system there?
No, the door slides open.
Yeah, I mean, ideally.
But, I'm saying,
don't you always hear about people freezing in there?
Is there a big button you push or anything?
I don't think so.
You ever thought about it?
Jesus, I'd think about it all day if I was there.
He's like, I guess it would be a bummer.
I think I'm gonna die on the electric bike, you know?
Oh, better chances, yeah.
Have you ever wrecked on a...
Have you ever gotten into an accident on the electric bike?
I collided with this liberal guy like a month ago.
A liberal guy?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
You were...
I was, like, ejected to the other side of the trail,
and I was bleeding.
How do you know it was Biden?
It might as well have been Biden.
But I was like, are you hurt or anything?
Do I owe you money or anything?
And he's like, don't go on the left side of the trail.
Right. Yeah, he leads to the left in every way.
So liberal.
Unbelievable.
Have you gotten to take out... Do you mind if I ask her?
Wait, no, go ahead.
Do you mind if you...
Have you checked out the town yet?
Because it seems like you know a lot about it.
Do you know the town?
Yeah, a good amount.
Like, where have you been?
I guess not a barbershop, but...
No, no.
No, this is my work, unfortunately.
It is an interesting haircut.
You know that, right?
I do believe that's a...
It's not my best word.
I'm going to the bathroom.
That's a six all the way around, huh?
Is that what you asked for?
A six or a seven?
Is that a seven?
Let's say easiest haircut ever.
I think it started as a two,
but it just kind of grew to this shit.
You're a smart guy for that haircut.
That haircut screams homeschooling.
That's what it says to me.
No fancy barber shops.
Yeah, it was a two,
and you weren't getting enough pussies,
so you went to a seven. Yeah. Smart was a two, and you weren't getting enough pussies, so you went to a seven.
Yeah. Smart.
The face says, the face says,
Derry, the hair says, bag boy.
That's an incredible situation.
What's your love life like?
Empty.
Whoa, I love to look back to the audience.
My goodness gracious.
Have you been on a date recently or anything?
I'm trying to get rid of my air mattress first.
Yeah.
No, you're putting the cart in front of the horse there.
Let me tell you, everybody knows,
you gotta practice with the air mattress.
You have to-
It's like a hard level.
Yeah, you have to, you have to,
say that, John Dees.
You gotta pop that thing, John.
You gotta pop that air mattress.
See, John Dees doesn't talk a lot, but when he does, it's like fucking lightning.
When girls come over, you say, before you get in here, you don't have any sharp objects
or keys in your pocket.
Yeah.
You don't have a compass.
You don't have a compass from school or anything.
Yeah.
Anuva ring.
Yeah, there's a guy that's about 300 pounds sleeping with a little green balloon tonight.
So you think you have it rough.
You know, I like his disposition.
He's not a stage hog.
He sort of just takes it in.
Yeah.
I like that.
Like he's working at Whole Foods.
He's pretending to listen.
Yeah, hey.
Oh yeah.
I'll get you back.
Have you been with a girl since moving to Austin?
No, not really. Have you kissed a girl since moving to Austin? No, not really.
Have you kissed a girl since moving to Austin?
No.
Really?
Is there a girl out there?
You know, we do this thing every once in a while on the show
where there's a hero from the audience, a young lady
that comes up and gives a guy his first Austin, Texas kiss.
Is there a woman out there that wants to be a hero tonight?
We have a segment on this show called Kiss Me.
It's been a long time.
We got one?
All right, come on up.
Kiss Cam, kiss Cam.
Don't raise your hand if you don't mean it.
We don't even ask you.
Don't play hard to get over here.
Oh shit, this is a little smoke show.
Look out, dude.
Someone's about to fucking have milky underwear.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
Wow. This is unbelievable.
This might be the greatest mismatch of looks
in the history of this segment.
Oh!
Okay.
All right. Here he is with his first Austin kiss.
Whoo!
Whoa!
Yeah!
Wow!
Yeah!
Amazing.
Thank you.
Look at the confidence change on Nate Bernard.
He has color in his face.
Everything just changed.
Big smile like he's on an unlimited e-bike on somebody else's account. Nate Bernard. He has color in his face. Everything just changed.
Big smile like he's on an unlimited e-bike
on somebody else's account.
Yep.
He almost beat the shit out of me for shaking her hand.
Yeah, he's getting protective of his girl.
What's your name, sweetheart?
What's your name?
Oh.
Wow.
Look at this.
I love it.
Unbelievable.
There's a very proud husband out there.
I do believe that's Andrew Tate in the audience tonight.
You never know who's going to be here at Kill Tony.
My name is Sarah.
What is it?
Sarah.
Hi, Sarah. What do you do for work?
Corporate America. Work for a motor...
What is that accent? Iate America, work for a motor. What is that accent?
I'm Persian.
Oh, shit.
You know what, since you're Persian, this sounds crazy,
but Bones Eye, the guy that makes the joke books,
every week, for some reason lately,
he's been putting one up here, a big joke book
that is just completely made of hair.
There's hair, animal hair on both sides.
And who better to get a big hairy joke book
than a Persian girl?
Sarah, everybody, an American hero,
maybe not American.
That's fair.
And you, Nate, of course,
you're leaving here with a big one.
Yeah.
And your first kiss.
Sarah, thank you so much.
Nate, how do you feel? Thank you so much. Amazing, dude. Yeah. Tell your first kiss. Sarah, thank you so much. Nate, how do you feel? Thank you, sir.
Amazing, dude.
Yeah.
Tell us more.
What was that like?
What was that like kissing another man's wife?
Ideal, you know?
You miss Persian Sarah and a makeout session.
Yeah.
Man, what happened?
The second you leave.
I kissed some guy's wife.
You what? Yeah, I kissed some guy's wife.
You would?
Yeah, I kissed some guy's wife.
All right, well don't yell Beetlejuice.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm going to get a lighter.
Make it happen again?
How do you feel?
Really good.
It's been like a year and a half of signups.
Wow, you've been signing up for a year and a half straight.
Yeah, straight.
It goes to show you, the bucket's crazy. It's got a mind of its own.
It'll bring shaky leg, what's his name,
Kent Hunter up here once every three weeks.
And you waited a year and a half.
You were patient.
And you got your first Austin kiss.
You had a good set.
And we got through it.
There he goes.
Great job.
Actually, I was about to have you
at the Whole Foods of Comedy Club
Thursday for the secret
show.
Whoa!
Hell yeah!
You just got booked on a real show, Thursday night, 8 p.m. Sunset Strip Comedy Club.
We realized through eight bucket pulls that we did not get a female up here.
I pulled until we got a female comedian
So your final bucket pull of the night ladies and gentlemen representing the women makes the noise for Yvette Palafox
Hell yeah. Make some noise for Yvette, everybody. Yeah!
True story. After a Christmas party, everybody was passed out the house.
Nothing was stirring except for that dick when I took off my blouse.
So down on my knees to suck it like a skis.
When all of a sudden Santa? If any of y'all think it's Santa like I think y'all
forgot we're at Kill Tony right now you know it's a just cover your ears because
yeah just cover your ears and for the rest of y'all where was I? Oh yeah I was
sucking some head so I was giving a blowjob like Santa? Belly? I have a belly like Santa.
And so does my dad?
Uh, yeah.
That's it.
It was my dad.
So what does one say when they have a dick in their mouth?
Very vicious.
I don't know this. I don't know the time. Okay, 58 seconds from Yvette Palafox. Is that last line Merry Christmas?
I think so.
I give that a high C for seasonal.
I love it.
Yeah.
Nice work.
Thank you.
Last week, you could have done that joke.
Yeah.
Jizz the season.
Jizz the season.
Thank you.
Welcome to the show, Yvette.
This is definitely your first time on the show.
Thank you.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited.
I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Thank you. Last week you could have done that joke. Yeah, jizz the season.
Jizz the season, thank you.
Welcome to the show, Yvette.
This is definitely your first time on the show.
Yes.
Yes, I would remember if there was a female groundhog
on the show before.
Welcome.
Oh, my trinic.
I'm kidding, you're lovely.
You're absolutely lovely.
Stunning, exactly what I'm into.
You're exactly my type.
Anyway, have you ever done stand-up comedy?
Oh, fuck.
Have you ever done stand-up comedy?
Damn it.
This is not an easy job, people.
Have you ever done stand-up comedy before?
No.
First time?
Yes.
Congratulations.
Is this something that you've always wanted to do?
What made you try this tonight?
I was at South by Southwest and the guy said,
you're funny, you're gonna kill Tony.
Who said that?
The guy in the comedy crew, like he was a volunteer,
like a part of the comedy crew.
And so he's like, you should try it out.
So this is my second Monday coming up here
and I got picked.
Amazing, absolutely adorable.
And what do you do for a living?
I am a professional party event,
like a service like bartending, cleanup, servers.
I provide the manpower for all the events.
Okay, I think she's got a good look for comedy.
If you're just started, I think, just keep working on it.
I think you're getting there.
Thank you.
It's very nerve wracking here, very nerve wracking.
Yeah, it's not easy at all.
How long did you prepare for this?
Did you write a lot?
I came up with my minute the next day
after they told me about you.
And so I tried it out on them and I was like,
all right, well, I'll just go with that.
All right.
And then I mean, I practiced on the little drive up here.
Okay, well let's figure out more stuff about your life
that you can talk about, about your real life.
Yeah, let's write her some jokes.
Yeah, let's do it.
It's a little writing session for Yvette Palafox.
Okay, yes.
What is that last name?
I've never heard of such a last name, Palafox.
Palafox?
Yeah.
It is Spanish.
So I'm actually one of the people that's like,
no, I'm Spanish Indian, when everybody's like,
yeah, all right, you're a Mexican.
But I'm like, no, it's Spanish., when everybody's like, yeah, all right, you're Mexican. But I'm like, no, it's Spanish.
You're like a Native American kind of?
Yes.
You're like if the Lando Lakes girl ate only Lando Lakes.
How's that for a start?
I do cook with a lot of butter, you're right.
Yeah, that's a butter joke, everybody.
For those of you that don't know,
a lot of young bucks out there don't remember
there used to be a Native American woman
on the Lando Lakes butter box.
Yes.
Okay, so that's one joke,
better than anything you said tonight.
Aw, why thank you.
Absolutely, these are all yours.
Let's keep going.
Okay.
So, you plan events, you clean up.
Oh no.
What?
I don't plan them.
Right. They call me and they ask me and I just provide the manpower service. You, no. What? I don't plan them. Right.
They call me and they ask me and I just provide the manpower service.
You organize it, right?
No, I'm not a party host.
I'm not like a wedding planner or anything like that.
What's the wildest thing you've seen at one of these parties?
What goes on?
You ever seen a guy have two, three sums in 12 hours?
No, I haven't.
About 95% of my business is Indian community.
Is what? Indian community.
Oh, so you really work with, like, Native American stuff.
No, no, no, more. Not, like...
The different... Whoa.
Ha-ha-ha.
You just wrote a better joke than the Land O' Lakes thing
right then. I don't know if you know that.
Yeah, I was gonna say...
That's the newest racist thing I've ever seen.
Yeah.
That was incredible.
Not those Indians, but the...
Uh-huh.
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, not...
That was incredible.
You really are funny.
It's amazing.
We're fucking digging it out of you tonight.
Well, Sanjay, who's my original OG Indian,
like, went out with him one night.
Talk a little bit slower.
Oh yeah, so Sanjay, my OG Indian. Sanjay, who's my original OG Indian, like went out with him one night. Talk a little bit slower. Oh yeah, so Sanjay, my OG Indian.
Sanjay, your OG Indian?
Yeah, that got me into the community.
Wow.
We went out one night, it was a St. Patrick's Day,
and I just woke up in jail, but I was like,
I didn't know if I was funny or not,
and I thought I was, but I saw him literally
the next weekend, and he was like,
we all discussed it, we were trying to debate
if you're racist or funny, and we decided with funny.
So I was like, okay, if they said it, then okay.
I believe it.
That's always the answer.
If you're wondering if somebody's racist or funny,
it's funny.
So what exactly is her background?
What is it?
She has what?
You are Spanish and Native American.
Apache.
Apache, yes.
Okay, well, whatever happens tonight,
don't sign any paperwork Tony gives you, okay?
Really.
You know how that goes.
That's right.
90% of all of your earnings from here on out
are gonna go to pay.
If not more.
Yeah.
So.
Single?
Yes or no?
Yes. What kind of guy you're looking for?
Not my ex.
Oh.
He was from the Bronx, I met him on the subway in Manhattan.
Oh, so you've traveled.
How could that come?
Oh yeah, yeah.
So I mean, I thought he was from Manhattan
and he was from the Bronx.
Really?
Is that him?
He said I wasn't funny.
No.
No.
He didn't think I was gonna get picked and he didn't think I was funny, so, ha ha. He didn't think I was gonna get picked
and he didn't think I was funny, so.
Ha ha.
He didn't think you were gonna get picked tonight?
You still talk to your ex?
I have his dog.
You have his dog?
Wow.
Is it a kidnapping?
Is it a hostage situation?
Do you know about it?
It was more of a situation,
he couldn't have it in his apartment.
And.
He lives here in Austin as well?
No, he lives in New York.
You live in New York?
No, I live in San Antonio.
You took the dog to San Antonio?
I haven't followed one story yet.
This guy really, yeah.
No, uh, I was in New York.
I met him on a subway.
Subway? You seem more like a Jimmy John's kind of girl.
All right.
Shut up. Shut up.
Yeah.
Shut up. I up. Yeah.
I am an Indian.
Like that. So, like that.
But when I...
His dog needed a place to stay, and I was like,
gonna be a good girlfriend. I was like,
well, if I was up there, babe, I would watch the dog for you.
And that somehow ended up in, like, me flying out there
on a road trip back with the dog, because I said I was gonna watch him. Wow. Do you
ever miss Neil? He called my bluff. Oh yes I do but I have to go now. Give me your
phone. Amazing stuff. So Yvette Palifox I want to find out more about you. I think we should
keep this writing session going a little bit longer here. So you wear that ring on your
finger but you're single. How did the breakup happen? How did you and your ex break up?
What was the last straw with the subway Bronx guy?
He thinks it's because of another guy
that I told him about, but it was really
because he hasn't paid me.
Paid me back.
All the loans.
How many loans did you give him?
Dog food,
and pay for the tickets.
What are we talking about?
So what's dog, so give us an example
of the amount of money for a dog food loan.
No, no, no, no, like in cash,
I have it.
You're turning into People's Court, by the way. Oh, I want to be on that. That's my bucket list. Oh, app it's... You're turning into People's Court by the way.
Oh, I want to be on that.
That's my bucket list.
Oh, it is?
Yeah, to be on People's Court.
Wow.
You should name it a little higher.
That's a bucket list?
Yeah.
Yeah, that in price is right.
You should say, you can tell my bucket list Popeyes.
No, sorry, what was the question?
I don't know if there was one, go ahead.
Yeah, I interrupt to Tony? I don't know if there was one. Go ahead. I interrupt it, Tony. I'm sorry.
I don't remember anymore.
So how much is a loan for dog food?
Just a ballpark will do here.
There's not like a grand prize or anything.
Right now dog food, he owes about 80.
$80.
Yeah, but then we have the shots.
You got the shots? Give us a ballpark on that.
That was around $ 150 or so.
150, so we're up to 230.
Keep going.
For the tolls when running the car on the way back,
he was supposed to pay for.
Tolls?
What do we got in tolls, if you had to guess?
The tolls in Austin alone was like 30.
30?
We're up to 260.
Yeah.
I would break up with anybody that owed me $260.
Oh my god.
There's no doubt about it.
You made the right choice.
I would take their dog forever.
Well, it was like, I loved him.
So it was like, I'll do this for you.
You called my bluff on it.
I'll wash the dog.
Then it became like, hold the dog hostage, maybe collateral.
Right.
But then.
So you're still bugging him about this $260.
Oh, well, it's more than that. But I'm not bugging him. We broke up. Well, when you're still bugging him about this 260? Oh well it's more
than that but I'm not bugging him we broke up. Okay well when you say more than that are there
things you said dog food first? Because that's the way he was supposed to pay this last time
that he said he was gonna pay for. He was supposed to give you 30 dollars for dog food? No 50. 50
okay. Okay and you said that you told him about a guy.
Yes.
But why, what was the guy?
What's the story with this guy that you told him about?
The guy is Topo Chico and um-
His name is Topo Chico?
No, I met him at a gas station.
You met a guy at a gas station?
Yes, trying to open my Topo Chico.
What?
And um-
Hold on, wait, you met him at a gas station and what?
You need water?
Yeah, it's like, I'm okay.
Yeah, have some water.
Anybody give him, give her a water.
Oh, this stuff's funny.
Thank you, thank you.
Please, please don't faint right now.
You okay?
My mouth is really dry.
Okay. Thank you.
That's good.
You want to suck off Santa Claus or something?
Yes, I do.
You're a real ho ho ho.
All right, let's keep it moving.
You don't get an overbite like that other ways.
Okay. You're doing good.
Is this an Apache thing, this need for water?
Uh, no.
Wait.
Oh, the other Indian.
Yeah.
What are the top three best tribes?
Yeah.
Apache.
Apache is number one.
Number one.
Telugu.
That's in India.
That's a, I mean, I'm not sure it's a tribe.
And then Aztec.
We got it.
Dude. Yeah. it, dude.
Yeah.
Wait, is that UD's?
And he does.
Oh my god.
He's so proud of himself for the Indian keyboard.
What, were you waiting for it to rain?
I mean, really?
Yes.
Wow.
Wow.
This is incredible. I think you're awesome. You know that?
You know that by yourself. You're awesome.
Thank you.
Turn up the first time ever.
You've never done Santa before.
No, never.
How awesome is that? Huh?
I think it's pretty good.
I told myself, like, I'll try this out,
and if I'm good or somewhat good,
then I might actually...
Don't let that stop you.
Joe.
I'll put effort into it, you know,
and actually do an open mic, but I was, like, then I might actually. Don't let that stop you. Joe. I'll put effort into it, you know,
and actually do an open mic,
but I was like, I was like holding out.
Good.
Any kids, any sour Apache kids?
No, a rescue, a little chihuahua mutt thing, so.
Okay.
Yeah, no kids.
Wildest thing you've ever done in your life?
I crashed a Trump, like a Trump parade
and then ended up in the rally.
Hold on.
What?
What?
You crashed.
We buried the lead.
A Trump parade.
Was this at the Capitol?
No, no, no.
I think it was like they're planning at the rally
for the storming of the Capitol.
It was like when he lost the election
and like all those trucks were going around.
Yeah.
Like the Trumpers.
I decided like to crash in.
So what made you want to do that?
Were you on the side of right or were you against Trump?
Well I did have-
No one even laughed.
You gotta love Texas.
They're like no joke detected.
No, no like-
Nobody laughed and that was amazing. Yeah, no, I did have a blue bingo dapper on me.
Oh, sorry.
Okay, what? You're answering questions I didn't even ask yet.
No, no, no, I'm just saying I had a blue bingo dapper,
so I was like, okay.
You had a blue...
Bingo dapper, so I just put that, like,
wrote some stuff on the, like, on the, like, windows,
and then something...
What did you write?
Um, sorry, sorry not sorry you lost
okay I was like Trump says that he lost the election because it was right when
they announced on NPR that he did lose it uh-huh and then you love NPR yeah I
do actually huh and I don't know I wrote some other stuff just saying like, you lost.
Right, you lost.
Yeah, and then every time they noticed that
I was not a Trumper, they tried to squeeze me out,
but it was my dad's truck, so I would just like
gun it, hit it.
You were in a semi truck?
No, I was in this like Tundra that has like
a weird bumper sticker, but anyways,
that's a different thing, sorry.
God damn. I was in a truck called the retired porn star That's like Tundra that has like a weird bumper sticker, but anyways, that's a different thing. Sorry.
God damn.
I was in a truck called the retired porn star.
Okay.
With Biden and stuff, but yeah, I was in the parade.
Or the third thing.
Okay.
Yeah, it's kind of weird.
All right.
D Madness is furious right now.
I mean, he's literally so unprofessional on the show.
He's like, get this bitch the fuck out of here.
It's unbelievable, the shit that he mutters, like, in my ear.
I don't think he knows exactly how close we are on the show.
He just hears, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
he just touched me, oh, my God.
Ha-ha-ha.
Sometimes there's a rumor going around,
and Red Band mentioned this earlier,
that Deep Madness really isn't blind.
He said that someone contacted him
and said that every time Heidi comes out,
D. Madness is looking directly at her.
Yeah.
Checks her out.
There's photos.
I gotta see this.
I'm gonna look more into this.
You gotta fuckin'...
That would be the most unbelievable fucking
long setup joke of all time.
Please save it for Madison Square Garden.
Uh-oh, what's that be?
You sense that?
Whoa!
Oh!
What happened?
What?
What?
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
Unbelievable. You know, I normally don't do this for first-time comedians,
especially when they're set.
You tried your hardest, but I don't know.
There's something about you that I really, really like.
I think you're really likable, and I think that if you continue
to, you know, take some of the notes that you got here tonight
and, you know, enunciate nice, take your time,
you're a little bit of a fast talker,
you kind of combine your words altogether.
I enjoyed one, I think.
But if you do that and people understand what you're saying,
I think that this could be something really fun for you.
You are funny.
I don't think you know how funny you are,
but it's in there.
That whole head thing with the Indian was unbelievable.
Can you catch a joke book?
Yes, I can.
There you go. Oh!
There you go.
Oh, wah wah.
Make some noise for Yvette Palifox, ladies and gentlemen.
And that was your final bucket full of the night,
which could only possibly mean one thing in the world.
There goes Yvette, everybody.
Yvette Palifox, there she goes, everyone. There she fuckingvette, everybody. Yvette Palafox, there she goes, everyone.
There she fucking goes, everybody.
Wow, one more time for the lovely Heidi
as we come to this.
The final, final horizon of the show.
You know what it is.
Kil Tony Hall of Famer, the record holder
for all time appearances, minutes,
and interviews on the show.
I present to you, here with a brand new minute,
the legend, the big red machine,
the Memphis Strangler, the Vancouver Vandal.
The one, the only, the vanilla gorilla. Lights out, William Montgomery, everybody.
Whoo!
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Earlier, when David tried to get in the club,
they stopped him at the door, and I said,
do you not know who this is? This is David Spade. in the club, they stopped him at the door, and I said,
do you not know who this is?
This is David Spade.
And the doorman said, yeah, but it's 21 and up.
David, you look great.
Okay, that's what I was going for on that one.
David Spade and Red Band have a lot in common.
David only dates tens,
and that's exactly who Red Band solicits.
Ten-year- exactly who Red Band solicits. Yeah.
10-year-olds, Red Band. That's what I was going for.
Okay.
An Austin, Jr. high school just got a new basketball coach.
I think his name is John Calipari.
Okay, they lost to Oakland. Ah.
People are upset that federal agents shot
and killed the director of the bill
in Hillary Clinton Airport last week.
I don't really know what all the fuss is about
because mysterious death was in his job description.
Ah, abort, abort, okay.
That is my time.
And I'll be honest, people ask me
if I'm gonna ever stop telling these Hillary Clinton jokes.
I'm never gonna stop telling these fucking Hillary Clinton
jokes!
She's literally killing people!
That's true. That's true.
That is another new set from the great William Montgomery,
ladies and gentlemen. That's how you do it. new set from the great William Montgomery,
ladies and gentlemen.
That's how you do it.
Nice job, William.
Thanks, David.
I haven't seen all the other minutes,
but I'm glad I was here for this one.
Thank you.
You do exude confidence.
I will tell you that.
Yeah, and well, thank you so much.
Yeah, and the joke about them not letting you in,
it was just about how nice you look.
That's all I was just trying to say.
You look really nice tonight.
Thank you.
I took no offense. I understand how it works, but thank you for saying that nice you look. That's all I was, I was just trying to say you look really nice tonight. Thank you, I took no offense.
I understand how it works, but thank you for saying that.
For sure, for sure.
I understand I might get some crossfire.
I warned David that sometimes you can be weird
with the guests and that you're just kidding.
Well, I have to ask you now, right?
How many times have I seen you?
At least twice.
Yeah, at least twice, two or three times.
How does it feel to be the headliner of a no money show?
That's what I wanna know.
It's very exciting.
That's why book me on Cameo, please.
William is rich, by the way.
He's the number three creator on Cameo
and has been for the past year. No way.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's been great.
I genuinely appreciate anybody who's ever got one.
And also, Tony, I started doing this thing where...
Oh, boy.
Oh, you collect your urine.
Okay, that is it.
It's pretty blatant where we're going with this.
Yeah.
Red band here, do you want to catch us
with some apple juice?
Oh, yeah.
Okay, I just TT'd in a bottle.
I thought it was going to be funnier than that. Ah, yeah. Red band here, do you want to catch us with some apple juice? Oh, yeah? Okay, I just TT'd in a bottle.
I thought it was gonna be funnier than that.
Ah, shit.
Here, do you want it?
Tell me if it's warm.
Is it warm?
Check the temperature, sir.
You can feel the bottle.
Check the temperature.
Oh, my God.
It's hot.
Oh, wow.
It just came out of my dick, dumbass.
Holy shit!
And I peed all over the fucking bottle, idiot!
Holy shit!
Oh, my God.
Fuck!
That's a real souvenir right there.
But yeah, no, Tony, I was in Tacoma this past week,
and the shows were fun.
I did six shows,
and they didn't have a bathroom anywhere close
to the green room, so you know how much liquid I drink.
It is incredible.
And at the time, the trash cans were filled up
with bottles of urine after every night.
So that was exciting. That's what I know.
So did you get homesick or no with all that urine?
You look like a guy who collects urine.
You really do.
I have had it before when I was living in Los Feliz in L.A.
I was living in this basement thing at one point,
and I had two-liter bottles everywhere. I was able to fill up two this basement thing at one point, and I had two liter bottles everywhere.
I was able to fill up two liters of urine at a time,
and I would just hang on to them.
Wow.
Save it for cameo.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for this.
Yeah.
Thanks for hitting the ad.
It is incredible.
You've been adding shows to every weekend
that you do on the road.
And every single thing that I hear about you on the road is
ridiculously 100% positive. I mean people's minds are completely blown. The
people absolutely love you. They go in with high expectations and they leave
wanting more and getting a full show. You're taking KC Rocket with you. A lot
of these weekends I can't even get KC Rocket because he's pre-booked with
William Montgomery. KC has been coming on a good amount of them.
Yeah, KC does great.
What a dynamic duo.
Yeah, yeah, it's been a lot of fun,
and I have you to thank for that.
Sweet Tony, thank you so much.
Not you so much, Red Band.
Yeah, I thought I was going to get you
to catch the bottle of urine, dumbass,
but not tonight, I guess.
I mean, you know, I don't ever like to get too serious
or deep with you William, but it is absolutely incredible
the length of sets that you're doing
and the reviews that I've been getting from these sets
from fans that have seen you and stuff.
We watched you go from not being able to do,
what was the length of time that you would be able to do
without looking at a notebook or note cards
when I first met you?
Eight minutes?
Impossible.
Yeah, seven or eight minutes, impossible.
And now you're doing 50 plus minutes
and glancing at the notebook only at the very, very end
of these sets.
Yes, only glancing, Tony, at the very end of the set.
And when we first moved to Texas,
when we first moved to Texas and you gained sobriety,
me and Joe Rogan were viciously on you
about not looking at the notebook and using it less
and connecting with the audience more.
And you have flourished in that situation, correct?
I am try, yeah, damn right I have.
Yeah, you really have.
It's absolutely incredible.
And it's not usual, we very rarely get a chance
to get serious and I especially hate doing it in front of David Tell,
who's about to kill me right now.
No, I was going to ask him. He's on the road now.
What's his favorite town? What do you like, dude?
Yeah. Spokane was wonderful.
Honestly, Tacoma, I think Chicago and Tacoma,
I've been the best recei...
They all go well, but Tacoma and Chicago were wonderful.
I didn't know Air Tran went there. They all go well, but Tacoma and Chicago were wonderful.
I didn't know AirTran went there.
Uh...
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
William, what else is going on in life? What's going on?
I don't know. I've literally, Tony, this is the busiest,
and it's a good thing, but it's the busiest I've ever been.
Yeah, your schedule is filled, dude.
It's totally filled, yeah, which is great, but just so busy now.
Yeah, I absolutely love it.
So be careful what you wish for,
the dumbass is signing up for this shit.
Because it's way too much.
I'm way too busy right now.
It is kind of- Be careful what you wish for.
It is kind of funny.
I've been thinking that lately,
because I fucking, I finally have life
exactly how I've always wanted it,
and now I have to go on the road, and that sucks.
Yeah.
I remember when I, you know, I was on an air mattress,
and I was in the back seat of my car,
and I was on couches a long time ago,
like, man, I would just love to be on the road,
and the hotels were so nice and stuff like that,
it gets tricky out there.
Now, you know, we have vast sums of money, and now I have to go to places.
And I was wondering, I heard earlier,
I didn't even get a fucking big notebook for Christmas, Tony.
Holy shit, I need a big notebook.
What's that about?
Oh.
What is that about?
Well, it's right around the corner.
Christmas is right around the corner.
Oh, there is a Kill Tony key chain.
Would you like a Kill Tony key chain?
Yeah, I'd love one of these.
Wow, look at that suit.
Do you see how he caught that?
I mean, it's unbelievable.
You see these guys that get pulled out of the bucket.
They have to fucking focus.
They take it dead on.
They get behind it like an infielder.
That is such an insult.
Yeah.
Give him a key chain when he has no house or car.
That really is a...
He has an...
He has his own condo, and he just...
He has so much money that he put an escalator inside of it.
He bought an escalator.
You want to tell Dave about your escalator?
Yeah, Dave, I don't know, uh...
You have an escalator in your apartment?
Yes.
You live in a mall?
It was $300,000. What do you think about that, David Spoon?
That's five cameos, according to my calculations.
Yes.
Yeah.
Upcharge, upcharge.
I mean, the people love you.
I did a meet and greet in Boston.
Who's what dumbass is fucking laughing at that, you fucking dumbass?
Holy shit. That's funny to you, you fucking idiot.
Wow.
I've been dedicating my life to this shit, man!
What the fuck have you been doing, you dumbass?
I've been pissing in bottles, stupid!
Very passionate man.
He's a very passionate man. He's a very passionate man.
Dustin Poirier posted on Instagram,
William Montgomery, never gonna stop meme this week,
and quoted you in his victory in the Octagon two weeks ago.
You watch UFC? Oh yeah, you do. I've seen a lot of those.
He said, one of his famous lines is,
I'm never gonna stop, and Dustin Poirier
literally quoted him twice after winning a UFC.
It was so unbelievable that when he said it,
I'm like, there's no way that has anything
to do with KilToni.
Dustin actually met up with me in Tacoma, Tony.
Are you serious?
Yeah, I don't know how I didn't tell you this.
There's a place called the University of Puget Sound,
and we got on campus,
and we both started beating the shit
out of a couple of coeds at University of Puget Sound.
Literally, this dude is mean as a motherfucker.
He was so viciously mean, but also really sweet.
But it was fun hanging out
with Dustin in Tacoma this past weekend.
William, you're an absolute fucking phenom.
I mean, is there anything else we need to know about
or talk about, anything you want to plug
or anything like that?
If you're watching this, again, there's a little bit
of a delay, but if you're in Philly,
see if I'm in Philly soon, St. Louis soon,
I think that's all I can remember.
Ah!
There's more stuff.
Yeah, is there anything you're passionate about this week?
Have you been eating your all,
oh, can I tell you another thing?
Is somebody gave me a gift during one of the meet and greets
this weekend that I was doing,
and it was marijuana in Massachusetts,
and they're selling marijuana,
and the name with a nice label and a nice can
is All Brand Buds.
That's genius.
Yeah, it is genius.
And people are literally like,
you've become part of this crazy zeitgeist
of entertainment and comedy and everything.
David, maybe get me on Dickie Roberts, too,
if you make another Dickie Roberts.
Get me on the second one.
I'll put you on the short list.
Cool, cool.
I'll need a love interest.
Ooh.
Uh-huh.
Just brainstorming.
I love it. I love it.
Uh, William, we absolutely love you.
You're a fucking freak. You're the best.
Good job, William. Cool.
You're the best in the history of the show.
Make some goddamn noise for William Montgomery, everybody! You're a fucking freak. You're the best. You're the best in the history of the show.
Make some goddamn noise for William Montgomery, everybody.
And we did it again.
Another amazing drawing from the great Ryan J. Ebell.
Let's see what Chris Rogers cooked up.
Oh, look at that William Montgomery over there.
He started with a blank slate at the top of the episode,
and now he's got that David's Tell, literally, I swear to God,
you can quote me on this forever.
I watched him last night and I'm going to tell you right now,
this is serious, this is literally the best living
stand-up comedian in the world right now, David Tell.
I'm dead fucking serious, without any question. Watch Hot Cross Buns on Netflix.
That is a goddamn order.
That's not a plug. That is a demand.
If you're a fan of the show, The Kill Tony Bump,
I want Netflix to see this three weeks after it comes out,
which is tonight at midnight, correct, Dave?
That's right, Tony.
Well, seriously, Dave, I mean, you reset the bar
of what the fuck a comedian is supposed to be.
Literally, you are the best.
Well, thank you, Tony. Can I get one of those books?
Can you give me one?
Yeah. I only have little ones left, but yeah.
That's all I need.
You got a little joke book.
Literally the best in the world.
Just walked out with a little joke book.
Um, Dave, we love you. It is such an honor to have you here always. Thank you for having me, Tony. Literally the best in the world just walked out with a little joke bug.
Dave we love you it is such an honor to have you here always.
And how about one more time for one of the greats of all time, David Spade.
His first time on Kill Tony, hopefully not the last.
Thank you so fucking much for being here.
Thank you for having me, it's a great crowd, super fun night.
Thank you fucking much for being here. Thank you for having me. It's a great crowd, super fun night. Thank you band.
Thanks to all these comments.
An unbelievable fucking, unbelievable time
getting to have two people that I've always loved
on this show, it's unreal.
Thank you to Talk Space, Square Space, Freeze, Pipe.
How about one more time for the best stand band in the land,
the Kill Tony band.
Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo,
Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, John Deason,
Dee Madness, Red Band, anything else?
Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com.
Love you guys.
We love you guys.
We'll see you at Madison Square Garden
and the Forum in LA.
We're coming.
It's a revolution.
Thank you guys.
We love you.
Good night, everybody. Thank you guys, we love you, good night everybody!
Thank you, thank you! I'm out. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday!
Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. You you you you you