KILL TONY - #661 - TONY HAWK - HARLAND WILLIAMS - IAN FIDANCE
Episode Date: April 30, 2024Tony Hawk, Harland Williams, Ian Fidance, Jelly Roll, William Montgomery, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yo...ni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/08/2024 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Ian Fidance | Wild Happy & Free | Stand Up Special - https://youtu.be/-30PenMy1O8?feature=shared THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: ZIPRECRUITER See why 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE: https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony. SHOPIFY Go to https://shopify.com/killtony now to grow your business–no matter what stage you’re in. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas.
Go to SunsetStripATX.com.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas.
For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchclap!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh?
["The Best Night of Their Lives"]
Yee-hee!
And here we go!
Mama, we made it.
You're here at Keltoni.
How we doing tonight, huh?
Brought to you by Zip Recruiter and Shopify.
Make some noise for the great Brian Redd Band, everybody.
Hey!
And how about one more time
for the best stand band in the land, huh?
Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez.
This is Dee Madness on the bass guitar.
John Dees on the keys,
and Sean Greenberg joining us on the electric guitar tonight for the first time ever
So much fun stuff planned before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday
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That's not just paint rolling on a wall.
It's artistry.
A master painter carefully applying Benjamin Moore Regal Select Eggshell with deftly executed strokes.
The roller, lightly cradled in his hands, applying just the right amount of paint.
It's like hearing poetry in motion.
Benjamin Moore, see the love.
Maple syrup, we love you, but Canada is way more. It's poutine mixed with kimchi,
maple syrup on hollow hollow,
Montreal style bagels eaten in Brandon, Manitoba.
Here, we take the best from one side of the world
and mix it with the other.
And you can shop that whole world right here in our aisles.
Find it all here with more ways to save
at Real Canadian Superstore.
You guys ready to start tonight's episode?
Yeah! Oh, boy. Here we go. Canadian Superstore. You guys ready to start tonight's episode?
Oh boy.
Here we go.
Where do I begin?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of the man who
people are saying is the 2024
guest of the year.
The return of one of the great comedians from New York with a brand new special coming out and the greatest skateboarder of all time.
I present to you Harlan Williams, Tony Hawk,
and Ian Finans.
Let's go.
Harlan Williams.
Ian Finans.
Tony Hawk.
Oh my God! Oh shit!
Yeah! Kill Tony!
Let's go!
Harlan Williams!
Tony Hawk! And Ian Fy-dance's special Wild, Happy and Free, out April 21st at YouTube slash B&EN
Pod.
Welcome back, Ian.
How are you?
Hey, all right.
I'm happy to be here, Tony.
Thanks for having me.
Fuck yeah.
The great and powerful Tony Hawk's first appearance on the show. Wow.
Thank you.
Thanks for the invite.
I thought this show was about me this whole time.
It could be tonight.
Anything can happen.
And the return of who many are saying
is the undeniable greatest guest in the history of the show.
This is Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, he's gonna throw up. Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Hey, uh, oh, God.
Uh, I just want to say, uh,
it's an emotional night for me to be here.
I'm very happy to be here.
My sister, as many of you know, is in the hospital tonight.
And she finally got the brace off her eyes.
And she was born as we know her eyes were really far apart,
like a hammer...
Like a hammerhead shark, and, uh...
Well, maybe, uh, somebody better get on the fuck-off bus.
Nobody laughs at old fucking hammerhead.
Well, laughter is the best medicine.
Hopefully your sister's watching tonight.
She is watching from two different rooms.
And here we go.
You guys know how it works.
Tony Hawk's first time, so I'll tell you, Tony,
a bunch of people signed up for the chance
to get pulled out of this bucket.
If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then,
or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
I have free pulled the name.
Our runner goes and grabs them
from the bar across the street.
Poor choices here on the world famous Sixth Street.
Dirty Sixth, absolute chaos out here
on these streets on a Monday in Austin.
So they go chase that guy down and they wrangle him
while our first performer who does a brand new 60 seconds
every single week performs one of the greatest regulars
in the history of the show,
silly, wild, a goddamn firestorm of energy.
It's real.
He exists.
I present to you a brand new minute
from one of our greatest regulars,
the great and powerful, Casey Rockett. I'm gonna make you feel better. I'm gonna make you feel better. I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better.
I'm gonna make you feel better. I'm gonna make you feel better. Well, Tony, you know I've been training myself to inception people, and no matter how hard I try,
I keep going into people's dreams
and hooking up with that booger guy
from the Meason X commercials, and...
And we both finish. It's not that we both finish.
And I think I might be in love.
And...
Every time I start freaking out, what am I thinking? What am I thinking getting? And every time I start freaking out,
what am I thinking?
What am I thinking getting involved with this guy?
I got a fucking family, man.
I'm the editor of the New Yorker for Christ sakes.
And every time I feel this little slimy hand slipping over,
shh, pew pew pew pew pew pew pew,
right on the square of my back,
and he sets me straight, he says,
it's okay, baby.
I love you, baby.
And I just fall to pieces.
Thank you, I'm KC Rocket.
Wow. Wow.
I feel like there was no jokes there, just truth.
Just a real sharing of a glimpse in the life of KC Rocket.
Hello, KC, how do you feel tonight?
Awful.
Why? Why? Why do you feel tonight? Awful. Why? Why do you feel awful?
Stressed.
Well, I gotta tell you,
I'm surprised you didn't acknowledge it.
Uh...
Maybe I missed it.
Did you acknowledge the fact that your eyelashes
are extremely plump and long tonight?
Oh, the eyelashes, I forgot.
I... I know...
I probably look like I haven't seen my own bed
in a couple days.
Uh...
I'll tell you what, if you put pigtails in,
you'd be the girl from Wendy's.
How about that?
LAUGHTER
We also had sex.
Stop fucking around. Thank you. Oh, it's true. That's for real.
I see it.
It's been an awful week.
I stopped being a door guy here.
I graduated from being a door guy and I've been really sad.
That's true.
That's true.
The second ever door guy to retire with grace and following in the footsteps of the great
Cam Patterson.
Yes.
Every other door guy still waiting and hoping to figure out how to get back to the door. to retire with grace and following in the footsteps of the great Cam Patterson. Yes.
Every other door guy still waiting and hoping
to figure out how to graduate from such a system.
You know what I'm a bit mystified about though, Tony?
As a door guy, and this may be a fault in your set,
as a door guy, I didn't hear one fucking knock knock joke.
I didn't hear one fucking knock-knock joke. All right.
I got a knock-knock joke.
Let's hear it.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
It's me, baby.
I should have fucking known.
He's back.
I'm so happy. I should have fucking known.
He's back.
I got a knock knock joke.
Let's hear it.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The lead singer of Ario Speedwagon's hair.
The lead singer of Ario Speedwagon's hair who?
Well there's no ending.
I'm not a...
What am I a door guy?
Fuck off.
Do you think this crowd actually knows REO Speedwagon?
We're very old, Harlan.
Well, uh...
I did though, so...
You did?
Yeah, you nailed it.
Yeah, you guys were around when Speedw wagons was the best way to travel.
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh!
Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! What are you gonna do with all the free time that you have for yourself? That's a good question.
Well, I thought of a couple things. I...
Um...
Um...
Um...
Um...
Um...
My first plan, now that I'm not a door guy,
is throw up in Fat Man and make all my friends clean it up.
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
My second plan, clear Chris Benoit's name
by finding the real killer.
Um...
He's out there.
Third plan, find the lead singer of The Chicks,
convince them to change their name back to the Dixie Chicks,
then assassinate her for being racist.
Uh...
And my final plan, impress Jodie Foster by assassinating the guy who tried to assassinate her the Dixie Chicks than assassinator for being racist.
And my final plan, impress Jodie Foster by assassinating the guy who tried to assassinate
Ronald Reagan to impress her.
Wow, a lot of murdering going on.
There's a couple murders in there, but I have free time.
I've never...
It's the first time I've ever seen a man with a scroll
with other paper on top of the scroll,
are you trying to reuse that scroll for something
down the road perhaps?
Scrolls aren't cheap.
That's a legitimate papyrus scroll.
I stole it from the Louvre.
They're furious.
I love it.
What else is going on, Casey?
Making it big.
What the fuck?
No, Casey, you go ahead.
I thought I was supposed to get mad, too.
It's all you, Casey, and here he goes, everybody.
I thought we were all gonna get mad.
Uh, I miss all of us getting mad.
Me and the door guys used to get mad all the time.
Oh, no, I won't be.
Yeah, I have other plans.
Kiss 100 Colombian baddies in 100 minutes.
Uh...
This is absolutely incredible.
Ian, you've seen KC Rocket before.
You see him again.
What do you think about all this?
I think he gets prettier every time.
Yeah.
This is incredible.
It seems like some of the mascara,
you kind of, like, hit your cheeks with it a little bit.
I was tears. I was sobbing.
I couldn't stop thinking about Greg and Greg Musinex.
And I was just back there,
air to the Musinex fortune, I was fucking falling apart.
Thank God, Jesus Joshy came and he literally,
quite like Christ, picked me up.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I'm not sure they knew who Christ was.
That was good that you put it in context.
Did it again.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
I, uh...
That's him.
That's where you would hit it.
There you go. Oh, there you go.
Good stuff with the volume down.
But just ready to...
ready to get into my, head into my 40s
with a stomach full of ambition and a heart full of gold.
There you go.
I'm only 29.
Can I just say...
Yeah.
I've got time to go.
Can I just say the obvious about those eyes
that I think everyone's kind of dancing around. Yeah.
Guy, be honest.
About 20 minutes ago, were you deep-throating someone?
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I don't have to answer that.
You don't have to answer that.
And in 20 minutes, do you want to be?
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha! You don't have to answer that. And in 20 minutes, do you want to be?
But you have made your eyes very, very pretty. Maybe perhaps you could help Harlan's sister
figure out what to do post-op.
You know, I am this close, this close
to grinding a P.F. Chang lettuce wrap into your clit.
Whoa.
Someone knows how to get me fucking hot and heavy.
I love that. P.F. Chang.
All right. Casey, you're an unbelievable way to start the show.
What a special treat. Every goddamn week.
Creative, wild, we love you.
There he is. The regular KC Rocket.
And now, and only now, do we go to the bucket.
This is where anything can happen and fucking chaos ensues.
We all meet people all at the same time
and it's all fucking wild.
This is where we found all of our talents.
It's where we found all the psychos.
Anything can happen.
This is 60 seconds uninterrupted
by your first bucket pull of the night, Bald Mike.
Here we go.
Bald Mike.
["Bald Mike"]
How we doing, mothership?
Yeah, we keeping it right, huh? All right, well, yeah, they call me Bald Mike.
It's not because I have cancer. I ain't dying.
Don't worry. I just got a little alopecia.
You know what I mean? A little bit of that Jada Pinkett.
Uh, and it's coming handy sometimes.
I got it when I was young, so I had, like, patches of hair,
and it got all frizzy. It looked horrible.
But, uh, it really came in handy when my grandma died,
of all times.
My parents, after dealing with all the bullshit, they were like,
you know what, fuck it, let's go to Disney World.
And when I was a kid, I wasn't like, ooh, yay, Disney, ah!
I was just like, cool, and amusement park, let's go.
Went, had a blast, it was a great time.
But on the plane ride back, my parents were like, fuck it, let's get loaded.
So they're just getting rum and coke, beers, all that bullshit left and fucking right.
And the second or third drink that they got,
the stewardess came up to my mom and was like,
listen, honey, I know this sounds weird,
but God told me that I need to give you a hug.
And she's like, is the plane going down?
What the fuck is happening?
Okay, stands up, gives her the hug.
And it wasn't until two weeks later that she realized, like, oh fuck, that's probably because they thought
he was coming back from his make-a-wish trip
from Disney World.
Dying ass.
Anyway, that's my time.
Okay, bald Mike.
This is a very hairy situation we have here.
Looks like you could have shaved some of the words
out of those setups.
Yeah, probably.
Yeah.
What do we think about this guy?
I would roast him more, but it looks like
he's already been roasted.
Tony Hawk.
I like the punctuation with dying ass.
Remind us.
Thank you. Thank you.
It is incredible.
I've never seen a full-size sea monkey before.
This is absolutely incredible. I'm starstruck. It is incredible. I've never seen a full-size sea monkey before. This is absolutely incredible.
I'm starstruck.
Harlan Williams.
Well, I, look, can we be honest?
It didn't go great, okay?
And that's not a cut.
Look, I'm here to mentor these guys
and I wanted to bring this as the only comedian
on the stage with a degree from DeVry in comedy.
Oh.
Wow, is that made from the same scroll
Casey Rocket used there?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sometimes there are little things you can do
and I'm gonna mentor this kid here. Yeah.
Give me your last punchline of your last joke,
and I'm gonna show you a little something you can do
to kind of pull the laughter from the crowd.
And this is something Don Reinblatt
taught me up at DeVry.
Okay.
Well, admittedly, I'm not a comic.
I don't really have a ton of jokes.
I just had that story, and of course I ran it long.
Just tell me the last sentence.
Yeah.
Yeah. He doesn't do comedy.
He doesn't do improv very well either.
I don't.
I had a punchline that was fat people architecture,
but I couldn't figure out how to word it into a joke.
If you could help me out. What?
Just say the last sentence of the story you just said.
Yeah, just say the last sentence of what you said.
We are aware it wasn't funny.
Say it again.
Gotcha.
It wasn't until two weeks later that she realized that, oh,
shit, that might have been because they thought he was on
his make-a-wish trip back from Disney World.
OK, now watch what I'm going to do for you here.
And this is something I learned up at the night school
at DeVry.
It does say DeVry Night School, August 11th, 2014.
Don Reinblatt signed it.
Here he is, Harlan Williams fixing
bald mics, non-existent punch.
So sometimes when things are so silent,
you could hear two crickets sniffing a cornbread fart.
What you do, and this is what they taught me,
you pull a goofy face.
So I'm gonna do your last line and watch.
So my parents said this might be my takeaway trip to Disneyland. -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha So do you get it now, you little whore? Hello. I love it.
Absolutely incredible.
Amazing.
Debray.
Bald Mike, you say you're not a comedian.
What made you sign up for the show tonight?
Why are you here?
Where did you come from?
Do you live here?
No, I'm from Omaha, Nebraska.
I'm a huge fan of the show.
And part of the reason I wanted to come up here
was I was gonna
see if you could come up with any new roasts for me. The sea monkey one I
haven't heard before but I've got a couple favorites I've heard in the past.
Well why don't you do some of the jokes that people have made about you.
That sounds fun and then I'll know and then I'll know what I can eliminate off
of my list because I have a lot here that are head and shoulders above
anything you have. But you go ahead.
Let's hear some of your best ones
so that you don't call me a hack afterwards.
All right, fair enough, fair enough.
Well, so there was this one time I was smoking
with a bunch of my buddies in my friend's apartment,
and we were smoking a blunt. It got to the end of it,
and my one buddy who's black, it was him and his girlfriend.
He's hitting the very end of it, and he hands me the roach.
He's like, damn, bro, that's kind of a fat roach.
Here you go. And at this point in my life, Iach. He's like, damn, bro, that's kind of a fat roach. Here you go.
And at this point in my life,
I was just saying like,
boy, you look like a...
to whatever it was.
So I hit him with,
boy, you look like a fat roach.
And I hit the blunt, and he said,
man, shut the fuck up.
You look like my kneecap.
Killed me.
Do the goofy face.
Do the goofy face.
Yeah.
That is art, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Yeah!
That is art, ladies and gentlemen.
DeVry.
You're a guru.
Ten years in running.
Yeah. DeVry Comedy Night School.
Yeah.
I'm just glad I can help.
Your black friend said you look like his kneecap.
Yeah.
Were you more tan?
Maybe the bottom of his foot, perhaps.
His palm, maybe.
So this is something you've always wanted to do,
just come out and bomb on Kill Tony.
What do you do for a living?
I do screen printing, so I put shit like this on a T-shirt.
Okay, you have a face for screen printing, that's for sure.
No doubt about it.
He looks like a hairless cat you wish
would be over his nine lives.
It is incredible.
Has anybody ever sharpied eyebrows on you?
Can I?
Can I do that?
Is that okay?
I'll let you do it, yeah.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Face me. Is that okay? I'll let you do it. Yeah. Oh, heartless dog.
Shut up.
Thanks, Nell. Absolutely incredible. Oh, my pen slipped on your forehead a little bit.
It says gay.
God damn it.
But I did.
I gave you the people's eyebrow in honor of the Rock being at WrestleMania this weekend.
That's a stellar eyebrow.
Do it through the goofy face, through the goofy face.
Hey!
Oh, it's much harder now.
That's called goofy gay right there.
Hell yeah, dude.
Casey Rockett's gonna put some eyelashes on you.
You're gonna be a whole different guy by the end of the night.
I love this. We're gonna have D Madness give you a mustache.
It's gonna be fantastic.
I love it.
You know what's the favorite, don't wipe that off tonight.
Yeah, I'll do it in this club.
What, do you think this guy showers?
Get out of here.
Yeah, what's the point?
Can you smell what I smell like?
Imagine how clean his shower drain must be.
No hair.
That was my joke, you fucking idiot.
Jesus Christ Almighty.
Dude, dude, go light.
He's gay.
Really?
I know.
Ian, give him some powder.
Oh, you know what's funny is, you know,
this started a few weeks ago.
For some reason,
Bones Eye started making one joke book
that is made of actual hair. Whoa. Ladies and gentlemen, you're getting a big joke book that is made of actual hair.
Whoa!
Ladies and gentlemen, you're getting a big joke book tonight, even though everything about
you is terrible.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Bald Mike.
There he goes.
Crazy.
I don't know what he thought was gonna happen during that minute but well
good evening you know I recently went to see the Austin FC play and I had to get
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All right, here we go.
Pulled another name out of the bucket,
make some noise for your next comedian, Josie Marcelino.
Josie Marcelino, here we go.
I'm autistic and bisexual
like every other annoying bitch now.
It's a one-to-one ratio.
If you have autism, you're bisexual.
They don't explain why, but I have a theory.
I think it's because pussy's, like,
the coolest fidget spinner you could ever get your hands on.
And just like a real fidget spinner,
I don't really know how they work,
but I will put my whole mouth on it, so.
I said that joke to my coworker the other day,
and she liked it, she laughed, it was fine.
But then she just looked at me and she was like, oh.
And she was like, but are you not gonna,
you're gonna say that on stage?
Isn't your dad coming to the show?
And I was like, first of all, no.
Do I look like someone with a supportive father?
No, I don't.
I look like the Pornhub version of Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
That's what I fucking look like.
Homeless guy told me that yesterday.
Which was crazy.
I was like, how do you know,
what was she on like the front cover of your blanket?
Like, how do you know who the fuck that is?
Where'd you run into her?
Thank you.
Josie Marcelino making her Kill Tony debut, welcome.
Excited to have you here.
This is, this makes three comedians in a row
with drawn on eyebrows, this is very exciting.
This is a first in Kill Tony history. You would think
11 years, the tens of thousands of bucket pulls. This must have happened before, never
before. Welcome to the show.
Thank you.
You have an incredible energy to you.
Thank you.
What do you do for a living?
I am an associate producer of a TV show.
Oh, wow.
I sign an NDA, so I don't like to get into like specifics of it, but yeah.
Love on the spectrum. We know. Yeah, wow. I sign an NDA so I don't like to get into like specifics of it, but yeah. Love on the spectrum, we know.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
So, autistic and bisexual, is that true?
That is true.
What are some of your autistic traits?
I know every country's flag and I'm really into them.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay, how about Trinidad and Tobago?
It's a red and white stripe diagonal flag.
Wow. Yeah. Absolutely incredible.
How about the transgenders?
What, like their flag or like just them in general?
What do I think?
Either one.
It's a win-win situation.
Well, the flag is the cool, you know,
it's the blue and the white and the pink,
and I'll keep my thoughts to myself.
Everything's fine. No, I love them. I love them. Yes.
All right. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Ian?
It looks like you're wearing a flag.
Thank you.
Slovakia, am I correct? Is that close?
No, no. It's more of a red flag.
Oh, it is Trinidad and Tobago, actually.
Red band, flip that around, show the people.
That's incredible.
It actually is. Look at that.
Holy shit.
Actually, it's similar, yeah.
What are the odds?
It was a trick all along.
I knew the flag of Trinidad and Tobago.
And I, all right.
Okay, autistic and bisexual.
Who, if you had to guess,
I always ask the bisexual people this.
Are you 50-50?
What do you, do you have a preference?
Is there one when you get drunk that you gravitate towards?
What's the deal with your bisexuality?
I've never understood it before.
What were you gonna, oh.
You look like you had a follow-up.
Oh, go ahead.
I think for me, like, sexual attraction, 50-50,
but like in terms of relationships, it's mostly guys.
Why do you think that is?
I'm a nightmare. I can't have a second one of me.
Right. That's crazy.
If you're autistic and bisexual,
does that mean you don't make eye contact
when you eat pussy?
Yeah, never. Absolutely.
That's the best part about it.
You just go down there and do your business.
Are you making eye contact when you eat pussy?
Yes. That's horrible.
Do you have any...
No, you gotta make Harlan's face.
I got bad news for you, buddy. You're eating them upside down.
Watch... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What? No, that's artistic. Yeah, I don't... Laughter
Laughter
So...
Laughter
Josie, where do you live?
I live in Philly.
Philly? Yes. Oh, wow. Okay.
Have you always lived there?
No, I'm originally from a little small town in northern Maryland.
Oh, cream cheese? Yes, that is where I'm originally from a little small town in northern Maryland. Oh, cream cheese?
Yes, that is where I'm from.
What does the flag look like?
Cream cheese Maryland.
Well, it's Philly cream cheese.
Oh.
That was...
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Don't...
I need to go to DeVry night school.
Do the goofy face. Do the...
Ahh!
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Okay.
I love it.
So what do you, uh, how long have you been doing stand-up?
About 18 months in total.
18 months, okay. You count it off like it's a baby or something like that.
Yeah. It is my baby.
Okay, you love it. I do.
You do it a lot?
Yes.
All right.
What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your entire 18-month career?
What's your night of success?
What happened?
What was your favorite night of comedy ever?
What happened?
I mean, I've done the last two Skank Fest, and that was really fun.
Both of those shows were amazing, so had a lot of fun there.
Yeah, I've also... There know, there's just different clubs
in like DC, Maryland, and Philly,
and those are the places I've been, so.
I love it. Yeah.
I love it, absolutely.
You have any special skills or talents or anything
other than stand up?
I make costumes.
Oh. Like a lot of them.
Like I do like 31 every year for Halloween.
Is that fucking Tony Hawk?
Whoa! You are autistic! like 31 every year for Halloween. Is that fucking Tony Hawk? Wow!
You are autistic!
Holy shit!
Yeah.
Holy shit!
She wants to learn?
Holy shit!
Wow.
You just got to watch her bisexuality disappear in real time.
Oh my God.
Was that part of your act?
It wasn't.
Woo.
That was.
What's the flag for slow ed?
Ask your mother, I don't know.
Whoa.
Oh my God.
Uh oh, uh oh, I don't know what's happening.
She is from Philadelphia!
I too am autistic and you just made me have an organ.
Thank you.
Fuck yeah.
Josie, what's something we would be shocked to know about you, about your entire life?
Anything crazy of any...
I've lost 75 pounds. That's kind of fun.
Oh wow.
Yeah.
Wow. I was going to say, she looks very sexy but you're also a little, you know, husky.
Yeah. I still got the skin. Don't worry. It's there.
You wake up in the morning and punch canoes.
Yeah. You wake up in the morning and punch canoes. Yeah.
What?
Ah!
How did you lose the weight, Josie?
I just put down the fork.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's really, that's what it is.
You just count your calories
and then eat less than you burn.
Counting calories is easy when you're autistic.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Josie, anything else crazy we should know about you
before we let you know?
You and I have the same birthday.
Oh wow, me, you and Kanye West then.
Yeah, June 8th.
Absolutely.
Gemini, the twins.
There you go.
Yeah.
No doubt about it.
You look like you were eaten by your twin in the womb.
Okay.
Oh!
All right, bitch.
Wow!
Whoa!
For someone that lost a lot of weight,
she sure is hungry for more.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I love it.
Can I ask one question?
Yeah.
Because I'm an ink guy.
I love ink, Tony. I love... ask you one question? Yeah. Because I'm an ink guy. I love ink, Tony.
I love...
Do you have tattoos?
Yes.
Well, I didn't ask to see them.
I...
I fully thought you meant pens when you said ink.
I was like, oh, somebody else is autistic too.
That's cool.
Well, I just told you I was when I had an orgasm 30 seconds ago.
Keep talking.
There's a second one on the way.
Can I change seats?
But I noticed you have a little tattoo on your arm there, my love.
What, what, tell us the significance.
We're all curious.
It's a standup tattoo.
I got it done at Skankfest.
They have like tattoo artists there.
And so I got that done this year.
What is it though?
It's a very odd shit.
It's the stool and the mic.
Oh, it's a stool and mic.
Isn't that funny when people want to hear shit talk?
Oh, stool and a mic.
Stool and mic, look guys.
Right.
Fuck off.
Josie Marcelino, very fun stuff.
A good enough set for a big joke book.
I do believe a fun interview. Congratulations.
There you go, Josie Marcelino.
All right, you get it. We're in it now.
Our third bucket poll of the night has been pulled.
A one-word name. Always interesting.
Let's see what happens here.
Ooh, I love it. Hell yeah.
How about a hand for the band again, huh?
And also make some noise for your next comedian.
60 seconds from Helena, everybody.
Helena is next on Kill Tony, live here in Austin, Texas.
So my older brother is a teacher now. I've never known less in my life. This guy was
trying to convince me the other day that slavery was bad.
Dog, that was peak America. We're still chasing that high. If you think that
money can't buy happiness, you need to reconsider slavery. Imagine having the
fattest stack of greenbacks at the auction. They bring out David Lucas, the
biggest three-fits-anyone's-ever-fucking-seen. I mean, I would buy the hell out of that guy
in the olden days.
Nowadays all you get is kids.
But all the cute colors are always sold out.
Thanks Obama.
Okay, Helena.
Helena.
Thank you for coming.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you're here. Okay, Helena. Helena.
Thank you for joining us.
Must have been a long trip to get here from the Civil War.
What the fuck?
How did you get here?
Via REO Speedwagon?
Some real high brow comedy there.
As we continue the street.
Motherfucker said, thanks Obama.
This is indeed the fourth comedian in a row with drawn on eyebrows.
If you had that on your Kill Tony Bingo card, if you bet at DraftKings, the sportsbook app,
if you bet $1 on four comedians in a row
but draw it on eyebrows, you just won $3.5 billion.
All you needed was $1 to win $3.5 billion.
That's at the DraftKings sportsbook app now.
Holy shit. Where? Okay. Harlan, go ahead.
Oh, I'm just... it's refreshing to see comedy with a KKK.
She looks like she got dragged here
through the Underground Railroad.
It is incredible.
Where are you visiting us from, Helena?
And is that dress made of cotton?
Yeah. Oh, D Madness is, Deep Madness is seen
enough. Okay, so let's talk about it. Helena, have you ever done stand-up comedy
before? No. Okay, so what made you want to do it here tonight on this show? The
crystal meth made you do it.
Probably, yeah.
Go ahead.
No, I just, I'm like kind of delusional.
This is just what I've decided to do.
When did you decide to do this?
What made you do it?
When?
Yeah, sure, anything, yeah.
Like a year ago.
I just decided.
You said, and this is your first time signing up?
No, I signed up like early February.
And you didn't get up?
No. And here you't get up? No.
And here you are.
And this is what you prepared for. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's a good point. I don't know. He's trying to squeeze a dry orange over here, it appears.
Helena, what do you do for a living?
I'm an electrician.
I'm an orange.
What do you do for a living?
I'm an electrician.
You're an electrician?
Oh, that explains the hair.
Yeah.
That shit is fried. Did got caught in the rain today.
Did your hair go to DeFry Comedy School?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It is unbelievable.
You are an electrician, obviously.
Not that great at your job.
You've been shocked before, am I correct?
I have been, yeah.
Many times. No, just twice.
Just twice, okay.
Absolutely.
Okay, so what made you write an ultra racist set tonight?
That's a good point.
You know, I was thinking about it
and I just kind of wanted to go edgy, I don't know.
What do you have against black people?
Is it because your lips are so small?
Yes.
Yeah, it is a little bit of the envy aspect, I would say.
I also have the flattest ass that there is.
Yeah, you do.
You look like the wicked witch of the West Side.
You know what I'm saying?
Have you ever been with a black man?
No.
Have you ever been on a date with a black man?
No.
Have you ever even said hello to a black man?
While not working? Yes, I have.
Do you have any black friends?
Yes, I do.
Name your black friends.
First names only, go ahead.
Starting now.
Erwin.
He's my brother-in-law.
Oh, that doesn't count.
Actual friends, not relatives.
Nice and easy on the music so that we can hear.
Go ahead, rattle them off.
Here we go.
All your black friends.
Helena's.
Welcome to another episode of Helena's Black Friends and Go.
Maceo is a black friend.
That's a really good question.
No, black people don't like me.
There you go.
I wonder why that is.
No.
We should ever call Maceo
and say those jokes to him on the phone.
How do you know Maceo?
Huh?
How do you know Maceo?
We went to elementary and and all through high school.
When's the last time you talked to Macio?
Honestly, like a few years ago.
I think like four or five years ago.
This is incredible.
Dude, yeah, we're not tired.
I'm from Utah.
What?
I just moved here from Utah.
So that's why there's not that many black people there.
Utah, famously light on the black people.
1.6% black people in Utah.
I know this, we looked it up.
Cam Patterson wrote a joke about it.
It's funny.
Completely.
I don't know anything about funny, so.
I know, I know.
Very good.
Helena, before I let you go,
what's the most interesting thing about you
or your life that would surprise us or we would find interesting at all? I think probably the most interesting thing about you or your life that would surprise us or we would find interesting at all?
I think probably the most interesting thing about my life
is I go back to the same place in my dreams,
like 80% to 90% of the time.
Oh.
What?
The...
What?
Is it a Proud Boys meeting?
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah!
Tony!
Is that Tony?
Oh, hey!
Tony! Yes! Oh, my God. Tony! Tony! Is that Tony? Tony! Oh my God. Tony!
Tony!
Tony is killing Kill Tony.
So here we go.
What is that dream?
I don't know, dude.
I honestly like two years ago is when I started having these dreams and they just kind of
started like showing up more and more.
You can't describe it at all?
I can describe the hell out of it.
It's insanely specific and consistent from day to day.
Okay, what is it?
Like your dream to dream.
So, I mean, there's like a city part
and then there's like a forest part
and then the city has all sorts of crazy shit in it.
There's this really big oval building
that's got multiple floors
and it's got trees in the middle of it.
Oh, this is terrible.
All right, here's a little joke book.
There you go.
Helena everybody.
We're gonna keep it moving.
Oh my god.
Holy shit.
It's a fucking psych ward here tonight.
Oh yeah.
You know what we should do?
We should get one of our regulars up here.
Do a complete reset.
Following Helena ladies and gentlemen. What a complete reset. Following Helena, ladies and gentlemen,
what a position to be in.
I present to you another one of the greatest regulars
in the history of the show.
This is a brand-new minute from the one and only
Cam Patterson.
-♪
-♪
-♪ I was taking a shit, and I just ran up here.
I'm out of breath.
I'm tired.
We're gonna make it happen or this is gonna be good.
I've been around a lot of white people for a year now.
I've been in Austin for a whole year.
A whole year, dawg.
Y'all changed how I think about shit.
I changed how I think about everything.
Like I used to steal shit when I was a kid.
I used to steal a lot of shit.
And now when I see something I could steal like a war,
I could buy it and then write it off on my taxes.
But that's how y'all steal.
Y'all steal smart.
Y'all steal from the government, you know what I'm saying?
That's smart as shit.
Like, usually I used to break in houses.
I used to break in houses when I was a kid.
Now I see houses and I go,
ooh, that house probably got great equity. You get what I'm saying, nigga?
You not laughing, but you get it, bitch.
My homeboy can't leave the state of Florida
because he has a P.O. officer
and he got arrested for a lot of bullshit
and it hurt my heart.
He can't leave, that's my nigga and I love him.
We're locked in there, not like that, not no gay shit,
but that's my dog and I love him.
You feel what I'm saying?
And I love him, but I wanted to leave the state,
and his P.O. said he couldn't leave the state of Florida.
He said he couldn't leave.
And when she told him that, you know what I'm saying,
it hurt my heart, because I was like, that's my dog.
But y'all side of me was like,
well, if you wasn't doing bad shit, nigga,
you could leave the state of Florida.
Funny face. Ha ha ha ha.
Motherfucker.
Unbelievable.
Wow.
He just got his own diploma.
Come on now, man.
I went to college, bitch.
Wow. Wow. Come on, man. I went to college, bitch. Wow.
Wow.
Come on, nigga.
Night school meet night school.
This is incredible.
Wow.
I fucking loved that set, Cam Patterson.
Absolutely incredible.
You're talking about stuff that is so up your alley,
your true perspective.
You used to steal shit.
That's just fucking hilarious all the way,
because it is true.
The write-offs and everything,
the more you learn about that shit,
the more it is incredible.
Y'all teach me a lot of shit, man.
I really appreciate that.
Hell yeah.
Absolutely.
What's up, Tony? You good?
Hell yeah, man.
This is crazy as fuck, dog.
I hear you. I had a skateboard one time when I fell
and I broke that bitch in half and I never did it again.
But it was because of you, though.
I did it because of you and I hated it.
I didn't like it at all.
But I'm a big fan.
I'll never get back on that bitch.
I was terrified after that.
I was scared as shit.
He can help you.
He taught Bobby Lee how to do an ollie in one hour.
This is true. For real?
This is true, yeah. I'll do it now.
I'll get back on if you teach me.
Nobody else can, just you.
You're welcome. Yeah.
Open invite. Absolutely.
Hell, yeah. You heard that, right?
Yeah.
Just sign the waiver.
Okay. Hell, yeah.
Yeah.
It says no stealing, anyway.
That's all it's saying. Big letter. Just don't steal shit, nigga. That, yeah. Yeah. It says, no stealing, anyway. Ha ha ha ha!
That's all it's saying, big letter.
Just don't steal shit, nigga. That's it.
Ha ha ha ha!
Amazing stuff, Cam Patterson.
I'm in the cottage.
I love it.
That's real, by the way. That works.
So what else is going on, Cam?
You're killing it.
Another amazing weekend of shows in Dallas and Houston.
Yeah, Houston was fun for everybody else.
I bombed.
I bombed real bad.
You bombed?
Oh, you didn't hear what I said when I walked on stage?
No.
You said, how about I say I hate them and I'm going to kill myself?
That's what I said.
Oh, really?
I don't ever actually listen to anything that anybody says during that part.
It's a little fun fact.
If you ever see two comedians like, it's just bullshit.
What they're saying.
It's like-
Good job.
Way to do it.
I'm like, I hate them.
I'm going to die today.
I was sad.
But it was a learning experience.
Shit happens.
What do you think went wrong there?
What was the vibe?
A little too fast.
A little too fast.
Wasn't hitting the pocket.
Shit like that.
Yup. Timing and pacing. When I got out, I't hitting the pocket, you know what I'm saying? Shit like that. Yep, timing and pacing.
When I got out, I started throwing shit.
It was bad, like I lost Mars Madness,
nigga, it was bad.
You were throwing stuff afterwards?
I was throwing shit.
Oh shit.
I'm an athlete at heart, bro,
so Bomba J hit me in my soul, you feel what I'm saying?
That's a loss, I lost.
Like they beat me, I won today, you know what I'm saying?
But in Houston, they beat the shit out of me, boy.
That's interesting.
They got me, dog.
Now when you go out, buddy, you hold up that degree,
and you're not gonna have any problems.
I'll never lose again, baby. You feel what I'm saying?
I love it. Yeah, Houston was one of the only shows
where I didn't catch any of your set.
I was up in the green room up until the very last second.
I'm glad you didn't see it.
Yeah, well, I thought you did great.
You told me tonight, now I know, that't see it. Yeah, well, I thought you did great. You told me, you told me tonight,
now I know that you're struggling.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I love it.
Cam, you're a sensation.
What else is going on?
Anything else crazy in life?
Not too crazy, not too crazy.
You know it, you know it, but I ain't going,
you feel what I'm saying?
Oh yeah.
No, he has some stuff going on.
Yeah, we ain't gonna talk about that.
Yeah, no, we shouldn't talk about that.
There's an intro.
We'll talk about it eventually.
I don't know, one day we'll talk about it,
but not right now.
Yeah, yeah.
You can wait on that.
Maybe like, maybe like, maybe like a New Year,
or like, maybe like a forum or something.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. That sounds about right.
But he's got some stuff going on in his life
that, you know, maybe we've all been through and
No, it's okay, it'll be it'll be all gone in a week. Do you have a toilet flush?
We have a toilet flush. There you go. No, but I got a ticket to Six Flags
There it is. Poor baby.
All right.
Oh, I get it.
There are other states nearby.
You're right.
I love it.
That's not the thing.
That's not it.
That's not it.
Well, Cam, one door closes, another one opens.
A fantastic fucking set. Way to do it.
Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. A goddamn sensation.
Fun, fun, fun. But now we go back to the bucket.
Let's meet another poor soul.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.
Could be the next star of the show. Could be another eyebrow-less human being, make some noise. Could be the next star of the show.
Could be another eyebrow-less human being. Make some noise.
Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody.
Those are real eyebrows, real everything.
Heidi is all natural, absolutely stunning.
We love her.
Sheena with 3As.HG, is that right?
Something like that? Oh my God, thank you so much. How about with three A's, dot HG, is that right? Something like that.
Oh my God, thank you so much.
How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?
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Can I get a Big Mac, McRap, McFlurry and a McDouble?
Keep it real, I need a Happy Meal, McCrispy and 10 McNuggets.
Tasty golden fries, a cold drink with extra ice
Junior chicken will be fire and a sweet hot apple pie
Is that it?
Let me get a quarter pounder with cheese, a flatfish, oh please
Make grittas, a McMuffin and a large coffee
A hamburger, cheeseburger, hot brown, hotcakes
Vanilla cone shake and hot bar sundae
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba
And with that, make some noise for your next bucket full 60 Seconds Uninterrupted for Sean
Vance. Here we go, Sean Vance.
My name is Sean. I grew up black belt Christian. We're talking ninth degree, non-DNOMs. All
right? And we believe that premarital sex
was just a direct ticket to hell.
Now, I didn't want to go to hell,
but my banana was booking flights.
Dude.
People say the devil's in the details,
but, dude, for me, he was in my wiener.
Oh, that son of a bitch.
I was getting hard everywhere.
I was so ashamed just walking around
with this rock-hard sin stick in my pants.
What I would do is I'd tuck it into my waistband
and I'd cinch my belt shut like,
ooh, you like that, you little pervert?
My dick would be like, mmm, tighter.
It's fucking hard, dude.
I tried so hard to be a good boy, but there's no winning with the Dark Lord in your drawers.
Yeah, you either service him during the day
or he destroys your underwear at night.
Right?
I just think it's unfair, right?
If God's gonna make it that way,
I think he should have done my laundry.
Not my mom.
All right, that's it for me.
All right, Sean Vance. Welcome. All right, Sean Vance.
Welcome to the show, Sean.
Thank you.
How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?
I've been doing stand-up for about a year.
One year. Where at?
Phoenix.
Okay.
This is your first time in Austin?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Coming to check it out.
This is what brought me here.
How long have you been here?
I drove in yesterday night.
Okay.
You came here specifically for this?
Fuck yeah.
And look at that. So this is your first time signing up, you got pulled.
Yeah.
How does it feel?
Oh, I'm so thrilled.
Absolutely.
I mean, I wish it had gone a little bit better, but I feel okay.
Right. Ian, Fy Dance.
I thought, I liked your act outs. You really like committed and got into it.
I thought that was really cool.
Thanks.
I think you have a lot of issues
with the way you talked about things.
Just, like, there was a lot behind some of the things you said.
Yeah, it's dark. It's dark in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think you called your peepee a good boy or something.
At one point, that was a lot.
Sometimes it's a good boy, sometimes it's not.
Oh!
Whoa, so naughty.
Harlan, I think I just came.
Yeah, that was great.
For doing it a year, I thought that was really great, man.
I thought that was great.
What do you do for a living?
I'm a writer.
What are you writing?
I write film and television.
I'm as close to successful in film and television
as you can come without being.
So what that means is, okay, so my background,
my history is I started in
Special Forces I moved to Los Angeles about ten years ago started doing comedy
I became a personal trainer I got in at this gym called rise nation or rise
movement which is like it was like a quintessential Beverly Hills trained
celebrities kind of gym at the same time as pursuing comedy doing groundlings and
I sold my first show to Netflix. It was called Green Braids Guide
to Surviving the Apocalypse
with Matt Damon and Peter Berg
that I starred in, wrote, and executive produced.
And it got canceled because of Me Too.
I didn't do anything.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Sure.
That goddamn Matt Damon's out there acting up.
That's right.
That's exactly who it was.
It was Matt Damon, yeah.
Was it really?
Well, he said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior, out there acting up. That's right. That's exactly who it was. It was Matt Damon. Yeah.
Was it really?
He said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior and that got a shitload
of backlash, right?
Well, there...
Hold on, wait.
He said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior?
Yeah.
I believe he was defending Louie.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then they were upset about it.
I had written a joke in the script, right,
that was anti-woman is what they said.
And get out.
Yeah.
Mr. My Banana Be-booking Flights.
It was. Yeah.
Yeah.
Just keep blaming the devil stick in your pants.
Yeah, that's right.
That goddamn son of a bitch.
Is it all come from a real place?
Do you get hard?
You're a hard and horny guy?
Oh, growing up especially, yeah.
Well, what about nowadays?
What's going on nowadays?
Well, I'm married and we bang all the time.
Really?
Yeah.
Cool.
Fuck yeah, dude, I'm in that pussy.
That's your wife.
Jesus.
Okay, all right.
She loves it.
How long have you been married for?
15 years.
Explain to these people and everybody here
how you keep it exciting in the bedroom after 15 years.
Well, you know, a lot of people think that it goes down,
but for me it has gone only up.
And the key to marriage is MDMA.
I don't know if you guys have done it.
It's not a joke.
It's not a joke, dude.
If you do MDMA with your partner
and you really open up,
like you share your soul,
you let her in,
dude, by the end of the night,
she'll let you come on her face.
Wow.
It's fucking, I mean,
we tried anal, dude.
It was fucking, ah! She did not like it, though.
Wow.
What in the hell is MBMA?
You having sex down on Sesame Street?
What the fuck?
That's what I thought at first. No.
Maybe get a girl who knows how to spell there, guy.
Yeah, what's a mitba?
Mitba, yeah.
Molly, ecstasy.
On the street, they call it ecstasy. When you do it therapeutically, it's a mitba? Mitba, yeah. Molly, ecstasy. On the street they call it ecstasy.
When you do it therapeutically, it's called MDMA.
That's the pure one.
Yeah, yeah.
I did it for trauma, not just for the sex.
Okay.
That was mostly for the sex.
You ever do angel dust and go to Staples
and fuck an inkjet printer?
Not yet. You know what they say, one in the inkjet,? Yeah. Not yet.
You know what they say, one in the inkjet,
two in the stinkjet.
Yeah.
And that's why this is the number one live comedy podcast.
Whoo!
Yeah.
I love it.
So you said you were in the Special Forces guy?
Yeah, I was a Green Beret. Did you? you were in the Special Forces guy?
Yeah, I was a Green Beret.
Did you? I mean, we gotta ask, and sometimes, you know,
like Tony, we got a little touchy, but we gotta keep it real.
Do you ever kill a guy?
No, no, I missed out on that.
You will. Yeah. One day.
I cannot imagine if you would have killed a guy
how hard your cock would have been.
Oh, boy. No waistband could have hold that thing.
That's right.
Let me ask you this, were you ever close to killing a guy?
Mostly just my drill sergeants.
So what did you do exactly in the special forces?
What was your special force?
He was a secretary.
Yeah, I was a secretary.
No, I was an 18 Delta, which is a special forces medic.
18 Delta, that's the weed that doesn't really get you high? Yeah, I think so. They have that out here, right?
Tony, that's a sponsor.
We've got the real stuff in Arizona.
Oh, it's a sponsor. Just kidding.
I love it.
I don't even smoke actual delicious,
perfectly fine marijuana anymore.
Once Joe Rogan started drug testing us
here at the Comedy Mothership,
I switched to 18 Delta, and I love it.
Yeah.
Psst.
Me too, yeah, it's good.
What?
You should try 19 American Airlines.
That stuff's really good.
I'll tell ya.
Why don't you try?
You could sit the fuck down immediately.
Psst, psst, psst. immediately? Yeah, sir, sit down.
You just fucked up that American Airlines joke.
You know, my teacher, that would have worked and then this fucking guy.
Ma'am, if you could spin your head around like a baby owl.
Sir, if you could close your legs, it smells. Wow.
No, I mean, this guy's legs are wider than Sharon Stone
at a Spread Eagle concert.
Oh, my goodness.
You are just flexing some of Don Reinblatt's best teachings.
I fucking love you, Harlan Williams.
So much fun.
I'm so glad Harlan Williams. So much fun. Tell us the craziest thing about your
life Sean because there's a lot of crazy behind those eyes. I know you keep it together pretty
well but tell us though like the really in real life the wildest thing about you.
The wildest thing about me in college. so I was super Christian growing up as I said
in my set.
Super what?
Christian.
Very Christian.
I didn't smoke or drink in high school.
And then I went to college and I tried weed for the first time and that shit's good.
Wow.
Thank you.
World's worst undercover cop, ladies and gentlemen.
I'll tell ya.
That shit's good. Anybody have any?
My goodness, I love weed.
That shit is good, am I right?
Does anybody have a felonies worth amount?
Yeah, yeah.
That dope, it really is.
Anyways, I tried weed and that was really a gateway for me.
I threw my life away after that.
No, my wife, I can't throw her away.
She's too strong.
No, I threw away a full right track.
I got kicked out of college pretty quickly
for fighting, smoking weed in my dorm room.
What was the first thing?
Fighting, fighting.
Oh, fighting.
Yeah, loyal to Marymount.
Fuck those guys.
Right, yeah. Is that by Cream Cheese thing? Fighting. Oh, fighting. Yeah, loyal to Marymount. Fuck those guys. Right, yeah.
Is that by Cream Cheese Maryland?
Okay.
And then I got in trouble for stealing
and I got a bunch of community service
on the Caltrans freeways.
Just from smoking weed?
Well, no, it was a bunch of things.
I had actually stolen $16,000 worth of groceries
from Albertsons.
What the fuck? Was that in one trip?
No, it was many trips, dude.
It was many trips.
Because of the munchies?
Wait a second.
How much did you steal?
$16,300 is what they had me for.
How did you...
How does this happen?
What kind of fucking meat heist is going on over here?
Salmon on me, boys!
Just every week, dude. Sensor point. What kind of fucking meat heist is going on over here? Salmon on me, boys!
Just every week, dude.
We only have a few days we have to eat.
Yeah, it's right. It was Robin Hood of the dorms, dude.
I was just stealing stuff for everybody.
Every single week I would just go...
I went to college on a track scholarship, right?
And I had really no concept of the real world,
because I had left this bubble I grew up in.
And I sort of thought that anything I wanted to I wanted to do I could do like I had a
journal I wrote in it the only thing
all right go ahead can I write gay on your forehead okay go ahead I say it's
crazy because lots of things can stop you not just fear like freeway meth which
is what stopped me you tried it after I got in trouble for the stealing,
I had to pick up the freeway, right, Caltrans,
and I found a bag of meth.
Wait, you had to pick on a trans freeway?
What does that mean?
Does it go both ways?
It used to be a residential road,
but now it's saying it's a freeway.
Freeway, okay.
There you go, all right.
It's what the T stands for in his PTSD.
Yeah.
So anyways, I found a bag of meth, and I did it all in one night and overdosed.
Do the face, do the face.
Yeah, we all just...
There we go.
Hey!
Thank you.
All right.
Sean Vance, fun stuff.
What a Christian, though.
Can we just say that?
What a wonderful Christian.
I was.
I was a really good Christian.
Stealing and, oh, unbelievable.
Personal training was fun, too.
What?
You got to train a lot of celebrities.
Say that again?
I was a personal trainer.
I trained a lot of celebrities.
Anybody else hear tranny?
Training?
I thought you said personal training.
Personal training, yeah.
Yeah.
It was a weird world.
Yep.
Yep.
Absolutely.
I used to train Whitney Cummings, one of your guys' friends.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
How was that?
I was fine.
She was a great client.
Right.
You two crazy fucks just out there.
We would just giggle and say nonsense.
She's strong.
Yeah, she is strong.
She really is.
Yep.
Yeah. Stronger than Bradley Cooper for sure. You worked out with Bradley Cooper? Oh
yeah. He was my he was the worst clan I ever had. Whoa. Tell us more. What? Don't you dare.
Now it's not fair to say that because I am a man. You know he gets along
really great with all the ladies. Uh-huh. Yeah. What are you implying?
That if I was a lady, he would have liked me.
I was just a junior trainer, and I think he was like,
get this guy with PTSD away from me.
It's because every time he re-wracked, you were like,
is that a bomb?
Wow.
So he wasn't nice to you? No, no, it wasn't that he wasn't nice.
He was just a little bit aloof.
Like the first 15 minutes of the workout,
he just wouldn't say hello, you know?
Would you describe him as shallow?
Shallow, shallow, shallow, shallow, shallow, shallow?
Yes.
Here's a joke, Buck.
We're all bombing up here.
There he goes.
Sean Vance, everybody.
We're going to keep it moving along.
In the shallow, shallow, shallow,
we're far from the shallow now. Harley's in the shallow, la, la, la, lo.
We're far from the shallow now.
Harlan gets me in a silly mood.
I don't know what's going on here tonight.
Make some noise for your next comedian,
Gordon Dixon, everybody.
Gordon Dixon.
I don't know, I just feel the DeVry running through my veins.
Make some noise for Gordon, everybody.
What's up? Awesome. Make some noise!
There you go. Hell, yeah, man. What's up, Austin? Make some noise!
There you go.
Hell yeah, man. Just moved here from Florida.
Yeah, Florida in the building!
Hooked up with Austin Cougar last night. You know what I'm saying?
Sister Elder was an amazing woman, man. She was amazing.
She was 88, so it was definitely past Cougar.
She was Triceratops, bitch. That's what that was.
Just extra old.
She had one of them old 1930s bushes
that started at the top of the belly button, right?
And it went all the way down, up the back, into a fade.
It was a strong bush.
I called it Bush Gardens. That's how thick it was.
It was roller coasters and shit.
It was a great time.
She was an old hole, man.
She's like, I want all holes filled, even the one in her neck,, it was a great time. She was an old hoe, man.
She's like, I want all holes filled,
even the one in her neck,
cause she was a smoker, so, you know.
But I just put the tip in, I didn't want to kill the bitch.
I love her, you know what I'm saying?
She got dementia, she forgot about me five minutes later.
Anyways, I was like, just the tips is the elder, let's go.
She died today, so I was fucked up.
I went to her grave site and just let a pack of menthols
and sprinkle some nut on it just to be like,
I miss you sister elder.
All right, that's my time.
I'm Gordon Dixon. Thank you.
Gordon Dixon, everybody, making his Kill Tony debut.
Hi, Gordon.
How you doing, man? How you doing?
Fun, fun, fun.
Is any of that true?
Yes, but it's not true here.
That was in Florida, but yes, it is.
She was 68.
She wasn't 88, but she's not true here. That was in Florida, but yes, it is.
She was 68.
She wasn't 88, but she was, you know.
Okay.
She was old.
All right.
Did you really jizz on her grave?
No, no, just the menthols.
I leave it, yeah.
No, she's not dead, right?
No, she might be dead.
How long you been doing stand-up, Gordon?
I've been doing it four and a half years.
Four and a half years.
What city exactly?
Tampa, Florida.
Okay, very good.
What do you do for a living?
I quit my job, well, I got fired from my job
and my girlfriend left me.
So I live here now.
You used to, you got fired from
installing cable for Time Warner.
Yes, exactly, yes.
No, seriously, what did you do?
For Diddy, I installed cable for Diddy and then.
No, tell the truth, this part.
I didn't suck a whole dick and he was like,
just the tip knob, bro.
You gotta get the whole thing.
Okay, okay, okay.
This part, during the interview part,
we just tell the truth.
So what did you really get fired from?
No, I was a recycling truck driver
for the city of Clearwater and I failed my drug test.
So they were like, you gotta go.
What was the drug that got you popped?
It was edible.
It was a good ass edible.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, but I had a drug test six months before that,
so I was like, I wasn't...
Normally, it's like a year later, you'll get drug tested.
And yeah, they got me, man.
That was a half black image.
They were like, we're gonna get that ass lots of times.
How long ago did you get fired?
Oh, it's been about four months now.
So in December, around December.
So how have you been surviving?
I had a pension, I cashed that out.
And then, yeah, I was like, I'm out.
How much was the pension for? Let's just say it was... Let's just say the actual honest. And then, yeah, I was like, I'm out. How much was the pension for?
Let's just say it was 15,000.
Let's just say the actual honest answer.
15,000, it was good.
15,000, okay, that is fucking good
for a recycling company. It was, hell yeah.
Okay, all right.
So what do you do for fun?
Florida people tend to be wild, tell the truth.
Right now, for fun, meth off a homeless people's backs.
Let's do it. No.
Again, do you hear the response that not I?
Comedy I just moved here. So just comedy. I'm trying to get lost. I just moved on. So, okay beautiful
How long ago two weeks ago little sweet here you are. You're on the show
Yeah, and how's it been going for you here? No, it's been it's a struggle man. This is a struggle
Tell us more about what you mean by it's a struggle. It's a struggle
Well, you go to Mike and there's 800 comics and then you got to wait in line
and get up on that stage and fuck it.
Whoever's there, y'all gonna get these jokes.
However, you're going to get it.
That's right.
I didn't move out here for nothing.
So fuck it.
I'm going to get on stage wherever I can.
That's right.
I mean, that's how it was in L.A.
and New York just a few years ago.
800 open micers everywhere.
Go ahead, Harley Williams.
I don't mean to like steer away from, you know, your origins and what you're doing.
But I told you I'm an ink guy.
I love tattoos.
And I noticed you have some on your inner arm there.
What are those?
So, all right.
Everybody's like, did you Google?
I'm like, this is faith and love in Japanese.
I used to be a Jehovah's Witness.
So I was like, I was like, I'm going to get out of that and I'm going to get a tattoo.
And then that's what I did.
Do you read Japanese?
Yeah, no, I don't.
Okay, well, I do. And that's a dinner number four.
Okay, I'll take it, bro.
I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.
You better get your ass up to the ground.
I need it back.
What other tattoos do you have?
Show us more.
I have both my grandmothers on my arms here.
Oh, wow.
My dad's mother and my mom's mother on these sides.
Are they alive or dead?
They're both dead. They both passed away.
Here we go again.
Here we go.
Tony, you want to take this one?
Tony Hawk! Oh, shit, bro.
Oh, shit.
I prefer not to.
I feel like not even the face is gonna save this one.
Well the good news is we're tracking down where your grandmothers are buried
and we're going to jizz on their graves. Hell yeah. They would love it. They would love it.
They would love it. You would resurrect them.
Jordan, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand up comedy?
You good at anything?
I used to sing a little bit in my dad's band.
Used to sing?
Used to sing a little bit.
What kind of band were you in?
My dad did like, you know, Motown shit,
so I was like a backup singer with him,
me and my brother, yeah.
All right, what was the name of the band?
It was the JWs.
We were Joel's witnesses, so yeah.
Whoa, really?
The name of the band was the J.W.'s?
We did the dances and everything, man.
What was one of the songs that you used to do back then?
I'll do it for you.
I know the song.
We would do like Temptations.
Hallelujah.
Yeah.
Hallelujah.
Right?
Yeah, after we got fucked.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
OK.
But what was one of the songs the J.W.'s used to do?
We did like Motown stuff, Temptations, you know what I mean?
Like what?
Would you do any originals?
No, they didn't.
No, they just did covers.
Like what?
Can you name one cover?
One cover we did, Celebration.
Celebration.
Yeah, Temptations.
Okay, you guys know that one?
One, two, one, two, three, four.
Oh, you're going to want me?
Okay, we're going to celebrate good times tonight? All right, come on, white people. Let's, actually. One, two, three, four. ["Celebrate Good Times Tonight"] Okay, we're gonna celebrate good times tonight?
All right, come on, white people, let's get the club going.
Come on, come on.
Yeah, here we go.
You better fuckin' try.
You better do it.
There's a party going on right here.
A celebration.
All right, no, no, no, no, stop, stop, stop.
No, I'm not. Okay. I can see why you were one no, no, stop, stop, stop.
I can see why you were one of the backup singers.
This is horrendous.
Oh my God, now I see why you're getting
cougar pussy out there.
I gotta get what I can get.
Wow.
Are we gonna cut the cake soon?
I feel like we're getting it.
Gordon, fun times, my friend, congratulations.
You're gonna leave here with a little joke book.
Gordon Dixon, there he goes everybody.
All right, we're gonna keep it moving along.
Make some noise, another one named comedian.
Make some noise for Sunshine everybody here comes sunshine to the
stage
fuck yeah who better to spin your eclipse with than sunshine because God knows you
didn't fucking see it when the clouds were out there am I right fuckers god
damn it I don't know. I, I know.
Hey, calm down, fellas.
I know I'm a tall drink of hot dog water,
but take it easy, okay?
I know, just keep it in your pants, all right?
For fuck's sake.
I can't hang out too long, though.
I do need to get back and go to the tilt-a-whirl
that I'm operating.
I hate how much you love these jokes.
I do, I hate it.
But, you know, I do, I gotta go,
because those kids are getting sick.
They've been on there for a long fucking time.
I, you know, somebody's gotta hit the red button,
for fuck's sake, I love them.
And I know you're thinking,
does she really dress like a toddler every day of the week?
Yeah, no, it's not just for the eclipse.
It's fun, I like to keep all the patterns, all the colors, all the it's not just for the eclipse. It's fun.
I like to keep all the patterns, all the colors, all the,
I like to move a lot, move a lot.
Hot dance, hot dance.
We're keeping the AI guessing.
We don't want the robots to find us.
We're hiding from Putin.
We're having a good time, people.
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah, dude.
I like it.
Yes, yes.
Oh, I am if a pinata was a person.
Am I right? You just wanna beat me up a little bit and piñata was a person, am I right?
You just wanna beat me up a little bit
and see if I got some candy in me, right?
I don't know.
I don't know if it's a bit, yes!
Rawr, rawr!
Rawr, rawr!
There you go.
Sunshine, over here, sunshine.
Relax, it's over, sunshine.
I am terrified, you're right.
You're okay, you're okay.
Sunshine, you're okay.
Just take a breath, take a breath.
God, unbelievable. Sunshine, can I call. Just take a breath. Take a breath. There you go.
God, unbelievable.
Sunshine, can I call you Melanoma?
Please, please.
If you don't, the doctors will, so thank you.
You know, here's what I love, how life is cyclical.
You know, when John Wayne Gacy passed away,
who knew that his overalls would show up at a Goodwill
and you would find them?
It is incredible, Sunshine.
I feel like I know everything about you with...
and I have never talked with you before.
This is incredible.
I mean, so let's just jump right into it.
God bless us both, yes.
I love it. Tell us what it...
You know when Black Lives Matter got rid of Aunt Jemima? This is what it turned into.
Yeah.
It's true.
It's just nice to meet the old lady
from that guy's last set.
Yeah.
This is incredible.
Sunshine, welcome to the show.
Have you ever done stand-up before?
Oh, yeah, I've been doing it about six months now
Okay, what made you want to start doing stand-up comedy? I mean, I've loved stand-up since I was like 910
I was watching insomniac, you know, David Tell of course. Yeah, but a great comedian. Yeah, I mean fucking legend
I saw him here a couple of months ago. I don't know if any of you saw I'm sure you did Tony
It's okay. just keep going.
It's cool, we're having a good time.
We're plugging, we're plugging.
How about that Hot Cross Buns?
Okay, let's go back to the question
that I asked you here, Sunshine.
Really focus.
Over here, look over here instead of the masses.
What?
No, I got turned on to your show maybe six, nine months ago
and then also at the same time,
got really into Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
And so I was like, tits up, bitch, let's go.
And so we just got out there, you know what I'm saying?
We're having a good time.
Ian likes it, he likes it, he's wet.
It looks like you weren't able to convince your tits
to actually go up.
I know.
They are small but mighty, Tony.
They are small but mighty.
There is indeed another eclipse happening here.
It is a great, how often do you get sick, Sunshine?
You look like you get sick about every week.
No.
No, no, I'm hearty and strong like a bull.
Is that true?
Oh yeah, I can haul you up the stairs no problem, Tony.
I don't think you can.
I'll strap you to my back like a bridge.
I'm positive you cannot. I'm positive you can't.
What do you do for...
Let me ask you this. You ever put Lego in your overalls
and then do some diarrhea and make brown waffles?
Fuck yeah. Who doesn't?
I thought so.
I love to make brown waffles in my Lego overalls.
Yes.
What do you do for a living, Sunshine?
I clean houses.
Okay.
And take names.
All right, you do that.
Where do you do that at?
Here, there, and everywhere,
wherever they'll let me in the door, really.
Okay, let me be more specific with the question.
Where do you live, Sunshine?
I live here in Austin.
I live right here.
How long have you lived in Austin?
About seven, eight years now.
Seven or eight years.
Where's your tent?
Oh!
Oh!
Over on the Riverside median, baby, you know,
we're keeping it busy out there.
What is your exact living situation?
Because we're, I'm not kidding,
the smell of patchouli is strong.
It smells like what she looks like up here.
That's right, it does.
I mean, it is fucking frightening.
I doused up extra for you, Tony.
So sunshine.
Yeah, I knew you could smell me. And doused up extra for you, Tony. So, Sunshine, and...
I knew you could smell me.
And don't laugh at horrible shit, Ann.
Oh, yeah, Danny.
Let's get to the point where you're having
a little bit too much fun.
It is so bad.
I do live in a house.
It does have a roof.
How many other people live in the house, Sunshine?
Just me and my boyfriend.
I know, I know I have a boyfriend.
It's shocking, I get it.
I look like I eat box, but only recreationally.
You know?
You're adorable. I like your style.
What is your bathing routine?
Yeah.
It's coming up. It's coming up, Tony.
We're coming up.
We're getting there, pumpkin.
For those of you keeping track, though,
a fun fact is that she also has no eyebrows whatsoever.
Oh, my God!
It is incredible.
Get the Sharpie, get the Sharpie.
It is incredible.
All the hair went from her eyebrows to her armpits.
That's crazy!
It all ran right away!
Sunshine, what else do you like to do?
What else are you into other than stand-up comedy?
Oh, you know, I like to go out to Lady Bird Lake with my paddleboard and look for bodies, you know. What else do you like to do? What else are you into other than stand-up comedy? Oh, you know, I like to go out to Lady Bird Lake
with my paddleboard and look for bodies, you know.
What else?
Uh, shit, dude. I like to sing. I'm a singer.
You're a singer. Well, we had a singer on here before.
What do you like to sing?
Uh, would you like to hear some Amy Winehouse
or some Janis Joplin?
Uh, let's go Amy Winehouse.
What song do you know how to do?
-♪ Try to make me go to rehab.
Whoa.
I said no, no, no.
Oh, yes, I've been blamed.
But when I come back, you know, know, know.
I ain't got the time.
And if my daddy thinks I'm fine.
All right, I'm gonna save you, Sunshine.
There you go.
No!
Are you at it?
We're having a good time, Tony.
I don't know what you're doing.
I just hope you and Amy Winehouse have the same ending.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She didn't even know those lyrics were a song.
No, I knew the song. Neither did Amy.
Neither did Amy at the end.
It was a very authentic performance.
Harlan Williams?
Maybe she's more like a singer sewing machine and she put together another outfit.
How about that?
But I love that name Sunshine.
It's beautiful and I got to know Sunshine.
If you have twins, are you going to name them the two scoops of raisins?
I don't know what those names are, but for you Har twins, are you gonna name them the two scoops of raisins? I don't know what those names are,
but for you, Harlan, anything, yeah, sure.
All right, I'll see you later tonight.
I like sun.
But I don't need to be reproducing.
I don't need to be reproducing, let's be honest.
What, Ian?
I like you.
You're authentically yourself.
I look like jokes are pretty funny,
and if you can do those with other things,
I think you'd be all right. But I like your vibe. You're fucking nuts. Sunshine, I look like jokes are pretty funny, and if you can do those with like other things, I think you'd be alright.
But I like your vibe, you're fucking nuts.
Sunshine, I like you too.
Open up that little pocket there on the front.
Pull it out.
Oh God, oh God.
I'm gonna make this.
They don't let me take anything in here, do they?
I'm gonna make this joke book in there.
Just pull it out.
Oh Lord.
There you go, keep it open, ready?
Oh good, close enough.
That was bad.
Here, let me try again. I'm OCD. Come on. Let me try again. Let me try one more enough. That was bad. Here, let me try again.
I'm OCD.
Let me try again.
Let me try one more time.
There it is.
Sorry, I'm really good at making shit into places.
Yeah, great job.
It would have fucked with me all night if I didn't get that.
There goes sunshine, everybody.
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And a special treat from sunshine to darkness.
I present to you, Kil Tony Hall of Famer,
one of the legends of the show.
Here to grace us with a performance,
this is the return of David Lucas.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I'm glad I can afford to fly first class now.
Not because I want to be bougie, but the seats are bigger.
I used to hate flying coach because every time I fly a coach they would have to bring me a seat belt extender
And when those stewardess bring those seat belt extenders they hold that motherfucker high in the air
They hold that motherfucker in the air like a WCW championship belt
It's like well, it's the big show like a WCW championship belt.
It's like, where the hell is the big show? I'm like, hey, ho, put that motherfucking down.
I don't think America has an anti-trans problem.
I think America has an anti-trying problem.
Because nobody wants to see a fucking 6'5'' nigga
in high heels.
Like, nobody wants to see a 6'2'' man with a fupa,
you know what I'm saying?
It's like, if I want to see somebody tuck their stomach into their pants, I'll get me a Mexicanupa, you know what I'm saying? It's like, if I wanna see somebody
tuck their stomach into their pants,
I'll get me a Mexican bitch, you know what I mean?
The Mexican hoes tuck the shit out of that stomach.
It's like, bitch, you ain't got no belly button.
What the fuck going on?
Oh, you see his stomach.
That's my time, thank you.
Boom, David Lucas.
Again, just like with Cam, you know, the thing you look for in real comedy is like perspective,
right?
Something that only you can talk about and spot on, not to make it too serious, but the
seatbelt extender for you.
It's both, it's both,
fucking, why am I blanking out?
Self fucking.
Deprecating.
Self deprecating and fucking funny to you,
your perspective.
And you nailed both.
What's your favorite airline?
Dells all day.
Oh, okay.
They have the best snacks.
Oh, I bet.
I bet.
They got charcuterie boards, nigga, that shit is hot.
Oh, shit.
Charcuterie, is that one of your cousins?
Yeah.
Okay.
Tony, we're so appreciative of you
because you gave us that eclipse today.
Wait.
When you put your booty hole in the sky.
That was Tony opening and closing his asshole. Oh my God.
Look at Harley Williams.
Harley Williams, you look like Tyler Perry presents Back to the Future.
Marty, in exactly 60 seconds this this Cadillac is gonna go...
Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet.
How about that?
The front runner for Guest of the Year 2024,
flexing his DeVry night school certificate.
John Reinblatt is thrilled right now at his young.
Judging by your hair, you had an audition
for Elvis, the stage play.
Well, that didn't go too well.
Judging by your hair, the children of the corn have diarrhea. Ha ha ha ha ha! Psh!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
You roast just like me.
It makes no sense, but it's funny as hell.
Doesn't have to.
You can't punch me. I have no chin.
Ha ha ha ha!
You sure don't. I had to choke your chest out.
Ha ha ha ha!
I love it.
Grab that nigga by the... Oh, shit.
David Lucas.
Tony Hawk is here. That shit is crazy, man.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
Soon you're also gonna be traveling by ramp...
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft. When theyt. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft.
Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Catch me at the sex games. It's an ex-games reference. I love Tony, bro. I used to play that game to death.
Yeah.
And I'm so confused about what to do.
Yeah.
Y'all remember that song?
Yeah.
That song follows me everywhere.
Yeah.
That shit crazy.
I walk into the coffee shop and it starts playing
and the barista's looking at me like,
heh heh heh.
You're tall as shit, bro.
I am.
You look like Tom Brady brother or some shit.
He tall, I went out something to the girl,
I'm like, God damn, it's a tall ass white dude.
I grew up very, like a runt.
So I got tall when I was about 16, 17
and it was fun for me because all the ramps
seemed a lot smaller then. And suddenly then I can go a lot higher.
Interesting.
All right, all right.
That's not something, that's my...
I'm seeing you up.
Yeah.
There was nothing there. I like your hair, nigga.
You look like a...
With that brown and gray,
you look like a juvenile German Shepherd.
That shit crazy.
Whoa, whoa, look at your fucking hair.
It looks like Predator sent his kid to Jenny Craig.
Oh my God, Harlan Williams.
I gotta look out for my bunny hair.
Oh my God.
How I let this motherfucking kung fu squirrel roast me?
That shit is crazy.
You look like a squirrel with a lot of knowledge.
If you start collecting acorns in June.
Oh my god.
And I just ripped your nuts up with that last joke.
Hey!
Thank you Donnienie Rhinblatt.
Oh, Donnie Rhinblatt.
Education pays.
That's right.
David Lucas, have you ever skate?
I know you can't do thin ice,
but you ever get on a skateboard before?
Get your sensitive ass out of here, nigga.
The fuck?
David's the only guy that tries to ride
on a charcuterie board.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You can sniff cheese and tell how old it is.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
With my butthole.
With his butthole.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
I forgot to put the booty in there.
That's the only way to make it gay.
Oh, my God. What else is going on, David? Tony, you dressed like you just bought
a million-dollar dildo, nigga.
That shit's crazy as a motherfucker.
This dildo was made out of melted-down rubber bands.
This is fucking...
What?
What?
I don't know why you got that shit on, nigga.
Your ass look crazy as hell.
Well... Blazing saddles that shit on, nigga. Your ass look crazy as hell.
Blazing saddles on your shoulder, nigga.
That's...
This is ostrich.
Not all of us are...
You got motherfucking a camel skin that committed suicide.
That nigga didn't drink water for like 60 days.
Oh my...
Harlan, give me another one, bro.
I got it.
I want you to roast me again. I want that fucking 65-year-old roast. What about...
What about...
What about...
Harlan Chinn look just like his nutsack.
That shit crazy.
Your doctor give you a prostate exam on your neck, nigga.
That's crazy.
Hey, Harlan.
Yeah.
You the only nigga with truck nuts for a chin.
That's crazy.
You're the only nigga with a nut for a chin.
That's crazy.
You're the only nigga with a nut for a chin.
That's crazy.
You're the only nigga with a nut for a chin.
That's crazy.
You're the only nigga with a nut for a chin. That's crazy. You're the only nigga with a nut for a chin. That's crazy. You're the only nigga with truck nuts for a chin.
That's crazy.
You got truck nuts.
Boy, your ass out here, boy.
Did you just call me the N-word?
Hell yeah.
Finally.
What about Ian Fydance over here?
You're looking at the world's fucking most diabolical pedophile and skipping right over
him.
He look like he got a permanent disguise mask on. You know the one that comes with that? What about Ian Fydance over here? You're looking at the world's fucking most diabolical pedophile and skipping right over him.
He look like he got a permanent disguise mask on,
you know the one that come,
the one that come with the glasses and the nose.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh my God.
But back to Harlan, nigga, with,
ha ha ha ha.
Pum pum pum pum pum. With that motherfucking neck, nigga, you look like a, you look like a protected Harlem, nigga, with... -♪ Pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I used to roast my great-auntie with them same jokes, nigga. Oh. There's that N-word again. David.
Just write it, just write it.
David Lucas, you are a force of nature.
How can you not be wearing girls' jeans?
Absolutely.
Harley, stand up, let us see your jeans, nigga.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
That's the real deal right there. That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Hey Harley, Harley, your jeans came with janitor keys,
nigga, yo ass.
You can hear that nigga walking through the hallway
from a mile away.
Harley can open up any door in Austin, bitch.
That shit crazy.
What a battle. Look at that nigga look. Ha ha ha ha ha. Harley can open up any door in Austin, bitch. That shit crazy.
What a battle.
Look at that nigga, look, boy,
you out here looking like a motherfucking Mississippi
preacher that get bit by a rattlesnake, nigga.
You know them preachers that let the snakes bite him
and be like, God is gonna keep me alive.
That's that nigga right there, boy.
Dude, you look like in living color
after the crayons were left out in the sun.
How about that?
This is amazing.
What a showdown.
DeVry versus Deep Fry.
I can't escape!
A battle of the titans.
I can't escape!
This is comedy at its finest.
I'm getting roasted by a gay anti-geriatric, nigga.
Hey, Harlan, you don't know it,
but they hid your medicine in that liquor you drank it.
This is the only city in the country
where the fucking eclipse lasted three hours
until he finally sat the fuck down. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. performance. This is the difference between people out of the bucket, golden
ticket winners, regulars, and then all of a sudden a Kill Tony Hall of Famer. That
is David Lucas. That is what he does. This is who he is. Built strong here in the
Kill Tony universe. Anything you want to plug, David?
What else?
Hey man, I'm all on tour all across the country, man.
Just check my website out, davidlucascomedy.com.
I love y'all.
He's flying first class.
You've been wondering why all those Boeing flights
have been going down.
It's because they're front heavy.
You said give himself a plug.
He should go fill the black hole in outer space.
How about that?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
All right.
Final bucket pull of the night.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Morgan Bounds,
everybody.
Morgan Bounds.
Oh, yeah.
One more time for Morgan Bounds, everybody, come on.
I have a problem. I want to get married real bad, but the guys I like would kill me with
a gun, given the chance. I like blue collar men, like hands so dirty you think you're
going to get some kind of weird infection.
But unfortunately for me I look like a lesbian crystal witch
whose primary spell is like, summon chlamydia.
Yeah. They think I'm crazy on first glance alone and I think it's fucked up.
I'm like if you would just get to know me for 10 more seconds you would finally realize.
I've got a great fucking rack. I'm multifaceted, I really am.
But I am seeing a guy and what I'm doing
is every time we hook up,
I make him a bomb ass breakfast in the morning,
like really southern good breakfast
and the goal is I Pavlov him
and when he sees an omelet with his eyeballs,
his dick gets hard.
I think that could be cool, no?
No?
Like he drives by a Denny's and he's like, fuck.
I gotta call this bitch, dude.
Uh, I fucked it up.
I did, I fucked it up, because the other day
he got arrested in a McDonald's.
Jerking off on a McGriddle.
Giving it the old Mac sauce.
Thank you guys, I'm Morgan.
Fuck yeah, Morgan Bounds, making her Kill Tony debut.
Welcome, how long you been on standup?
Like maybe three months.
Okay, all of it here in Austin?
Yes, uh-huh.
What made you wanna start doing standup?
Oh no.
I don't know, I go to a lot of comedy shows
and I've been known to get a giggle or two, not tonight,
but you know.
Okay. Thank you. It was good, to get a giggle or two, not tonight, but you know. Thank you.
Okay, no, it was good.
You got a giggle like that lady said.
You got a giggle, it's fine.
Three months, what do you do for a living?
I'm a district manager for Zoomies, hi.
So I know skateboards.
Has anyone ever told you you look like Tony Hawk?
So yeah.
Yeah, so.
You're the first today.
Yeah, it's a retail store. Yeah.
It's a retail store and I run nine of them.
What is Zoomies?
So, it's like t-shirts and shoes and skateboards.
It's like a teen action sports retailer.
It's like a skateboard store.
Yeah, kind of.
Holy shit.
What are the fucking odds of this?
That's incredible.
That's unbelievable.
I might have put her on the top.
Thank you, I do.
That's amazing.
Collusion is what that is, I love it.
Do they sell pants there?
Yeah, of course, yeah.
I have on pants under there.
Okay. Red band.
All right, there's something under there.
We were all wondering the same thing.
Red band, more.
Sorry, I have on pants.
Red band's a little more disgusting than the rest of us,
so he popped the question first.
You are wearing pants.
Some guy's so disappointed,
he just broke a beer bottle over his head.
Yeah.
He was really hoping this was a no-pants situation.
Sorry.
I thought he was staring so hard,
he dropped one of his contact lenses.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! Somebody went into the right.
Can I ask you, you know, I'm a nut about ink.
I love tattoo.
Yeah.
I see that number on your leg.
What is it?
It's 2494.
By the way, the same year I lost my virginity.
Now tell me. That's crazy.. By the way, the same year I lost my virginity. Now tell me.
That's crazy. That's the year I was born.
What in the name of Carol Burnett?
Wow.
There she is. No wonder she's trembling.
Yeah. I'm anemic and I'm scared.
So tell me about that tattoo.
That is my father's race car number.
We do drag racing and it's his 69 Nova.
Wow. Incredible.
Yeah.
69 Nova. He's racing a 69 Nova.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
What kind of races are these?
It's drag race, so it's eighth mile and quarter mile
on a straight track.
You, like, do a burnout and you go fast. That's it.
In a Nova. In a fast. That's it.
In a Nova.
In a Nova.
It's badass.
It's a really cool car.
He has a Roadster too,
but the Nova has like been around since before I was born.
He's had it forever.
Wow.
So you're close with your dad.
They live far.
I don't see them often,
but we're cool.
We chat.
Okay.
That's why you're not funny.
Oh my God.
That's my fucking daughter you're talking to. Wait, you're the- Watch your mouth.
No, I love it. I'm just kidding, Morgan.
What do you do for fun? What else?
Tell us more about you.
You look like you're the mayor of Austin, Texas.
You have the tattoos, the bangs, the vitamin D deficiency.
Yeah, I look like Velma on ketamine is what I always say.
That's true.
That's true.
I play Dungeons and Dragons. Who guessed? Uh always say. That's true. That's true.
I play Dungeons and Dragons.
Who guessed?
Uh-oh.
Someone's fucking Hans Kim tonight.
No, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
What is your sex life like?
I've been not asking enough people that lately, but since you're not wearing pants, I feel
like it makes sense.
I pull.
I do okay.
Yeah.
It's good.
What type of guys are you into?
She said she pulls, she has a vibrator.
Oh.
She fucks elves.
I don't discriminate.
I like tall, but you know, I like charisma more, I guess.
Okay.
Yeah.
Daddy's home.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Whoo!
Uh-oh.
Somebody's gonna 69 Nova tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, start your boners.
Incredible.
Have you done stuff on stage before?
I did, like, theater in college,
which is more embarrassing than this was.
What did you play during theater?
What was your character? I was in a full-length called which is more embarrassing than this was. What did you play during theater? What was your character?
I was in a full-length called Messiah on a Frigidaire,
which is like a white trash, I don't know.
Like they think they see the image of Jesus
on a refrigerator, it's dumb, but yeah.
It was really bad.
It's like the Shroud of Turin in Cleveland.
Oh, yeah.
I love it. What else do you do for fun
before we get you out of here, Morgan Bounds?
I don't know.
I like, I play video games.
I'm like, I look, I do exactly what I look like I do.
It's not surprising.
Dungeons and Dragons, video games.
What about the wild side of Morgan?
What's like a guilty pleasure, something?
I like to get naked at the Renaissance Festival.
Wow! Holy shit.
You get like completely naked at a Renaissance Festival?
It depends on the day. I don't know.
I'm a season pass holder, so we'll see.
Oh my goodness. Tell us more about what brings you to the...
What do you love about the Renaissance Festival?
The nighttime is really cool. Like it's camping and there's all these clans that do different things. Oh my goodness. Tell us more about what brings you to the, what do you love about the Renaissance Festival?
The nighttime is really cool.
Like it's camping and there's all these clans
that do different things.
You're not supposed to tell about it, but.
Red band's Googling tickets to Renaissance Festival
right now.
Yeah.
Texas one.
Yeah, Texas Renaissance Festival, top mission.
He's hard as a rock
because he found out they serve turkey legs there.
Longest set you've ever done. You're three months in. because he found out they serve turkey legs there. LONGEST SET YOU'VE EVER DONE LONGEST SET YOU'VE EVER DONE LONGEST SET YOU'VE EVER DONE
You're three months in.
I did. I've done a 15.
I'd love to have you do five minutes at the secret show.
Whoa!
You fucking pig!
You fucking disgusting pig!
You are the worst!
Is he lying to me?
You're the worst.
Is he lying to me?
You're the worst.
Okay, that'd be great.
There you go.
Thursday night, you just got booked at a real show.
And I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a big joke, but just because I was busy during your set
and I don't know what happened.
Terrible. You catch like you have anemia.
There she goes. Morgan Bounds, everybody.
And with that, ladies and and gentlemen I present to you
Our final performer of the night indeed ladies and gentlemen kill Tony Hall of Famer
The man who has the record for all-time appearances on the show all-time interviews the reigning
defending goat of kill Tony he is indeed the vanilla gorilla,
the Philly philanthroper.
The Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine.
This is indeed your very own and our very own,
the one and only, William Montgomery. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy.
I'm gonna be a good boy. I'm gonna be a good boy. I actually didn't know what caused an eclipse, so I looked it up, and apparently it's when Lizzo
walks in front of the sun.
Fat bitch. Okay.
And by the way, if you don't believe in climate change,
then explain why we've had all of these eclipses lately,
dumbass.
Okay.
And this is a serious deal, this next one, Tony.
Uh, during my is a serious deal, this next one, Tony.
During my last tour of Afghanistan,
I came face to face with A.G. Hadi.
I had a gun to his head, he had a gun to mine.
So I said, well, can I bum a smoke?
He shook his head and said in his native tongue,
you shouldn't smoke, and he handed me a nicotine lozenge.
I said, thank you, kind sir. What is your name?
And he said, Zin Laden.
Okay.
That's what I died.
59 seconds on the dot.
Zin Laden.
Yeah, what did you think?
Was it too much buildup, or am I on to something with that? I thought it was great. Zin Laden. Yeah, what did you think?
Was it too much build up or am I on to something with that?
I thought it was great.
I think it's fine.
You do a lot of a lot of a lot of quick jokes.
I think sometimes we can be patient.
Just stretch it out a little.
Why are you laughing, dumb ass?
You've been fucking being mean as shit to people all night.
You need to relax, Arlen.
There's two things about you I want to say,
and this is for real from the heart.
A, you're the only comedian on the whole circuit.
By looking at you, we guess probably as a time machine.
Yeah.
And two, there's a cabin somewhere
with three naked priests hanging upside down
covered in Heinz relish.
Yes, in Montana, I have a...
That is true.
That is true.
I see you eyeballing the goat, Tony Hoppo.
Yeah, oh my gosh, Tony, it is so nice to meet you.
I just met you up there.
Growing up, you caused a lot of heartache,
honestly, in my family.
My mom was quite the hypochondriac.
She was just this crazy woman kind of,
and I was never allowed to skateboard,
but I looked up to you so much,
so it really just caused a lot of pain.
It caused a lot of strife.
Thank you.
Thank you.
That you could play video games,
and amelie what we do. Yeah, I would save her. I know, play video games and emulate what we do.
Yeah, I was safer.
I know, the video games.
Like, 1080, I was a big fan of the snowboarding game.
That works.
Because I wasn't allowed to skateboard,
so then I went real hard in the snowboarding game genre,
but...
Because the skateboarding game was too dangerous.
Is that what you're saying?
Correct. I just wasn't allowed to.
My mom had these rules.
I wasn't allowed to skateboard.
So because of that, I honestly think
it really left this weird hole in my heart.
So I just played... I loved 1080.
He was a... He was a...
He was a great snowboarder.
You might recognize him.
This is Sean White's grandfather.
We love you, Sean! We love Sean!
Ian Fy-dance looking right down the eye of the storm you're the closest to him
how does it feel over there next to the big red machine himself? Scary but
inspiring it's nice that was great. Thank you so much, man Did you just combine man and Ian?
I'm not kidding. I'm literally just seeing the eclipse mark in my eyes. I thought it was fine
With it being cloudy. I swear to God. I'm seeing something in my right eye
It looks like an eclipse. We did see a picture of you earlier
Looking directly at the eclipse.
This is a real thing, everybody else,
every other comedian, it seems,
posted a picture with them with the eclipse glasses on,
not William.
I had to look up at it, Tony.
I'm thinking it's gonna be funny and it seemed okay.
And then afterwards I'm thinking, oh, this is cheesy.
Why am I doing this?
I don't know, I had a lot of self-doubt today.
Pfft.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
About everything. I had no idea you were, again.
Then I find out you're here.
I swear, it was just so awkward with my mom growing up.
I wanted to skateboard.
So fucking bad, she let my ass fucking roller,
roller blade. Did you ever do that?
I did not do that.
Yeah, right, it's pussy shit. I mean, people aren't supposed to be, but.
Wow.
No kick flips in rollerblading, so.
Yeah.
Did you ever try anything tricky in rollerblading, William?
No, I was never able to, I wasn't allowed,
we didn't have rollerblades either, so I couldn't.
Well, what was the thing that you were allowed to do?
What did you do?
Did you ever go down?
What was that weird cackle?
What was that?
I mean, I'm kind of fucking bombing up your bitch.
So what the fuck?
I swear to God, I'm seeing an eclipse
in my fucking eyes right now.
Was it you?
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Did you ever, did you ever do anything as a kid?
I've never really asked you this.
Like, what were you into?
Lincoln Logs.
I was a Lincoln Logs kid.
Wow.
Yeah.
Yeah, the Indian guy likes the Lincoln Logs a lot.
But yeah, I, uh...
Did you ever win any awards of any kind growing up?
Uh, the Daniel Shores Award.
I was a big swimmer.
Daniel Shores sadly died. was a big swimmer.
Daniel Shores sadly died.
He was in the back of a Volvo
and a truck slammed into the back of it.
So they had a prize for him at the, where I swam.
And you won his award?
I won the Daniel Shores Award.
My name's on a fucking plaque somewhere in Memphis, so.
Well, you know who else has won some awards as of late,
including three last night at the Country Music Awards,
is one of the greatest performers of our time
and a huge member of the Killtony universe and fandom.
And why don't you stay up here, William,
as I introduce one of the greatest Killtony fans
existing in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jelly Roll!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Somebody save me Me for myself
I spent so long living in hell Well they say my lifestyle is bad for my health. It's the only thing that seems to help. All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless But feel like it's all that I need
Something inside of me's broken I hold on to anything that sets me free You know this. I'm a lost cause And baby don't waste your time on me
I'm so damaged beyond repair
Life has shattered my hopes and my dreams
Woo!
Boom! Yes! Hell yeah! Jelly Roll!
Oh my God! is bad for my health
It's the only thing that seems to help
All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless
It feels like it's all that I need
Something inside of me's broken
Last night I won three motherfuckin' CMT
I'm a lost call
And baby don't waste your time on me
I'm so damaged beyond repair That's why I'm a fan of KilToni
I'm a love cult Oh baby don't waste your time on me
I'm so damaged beyond repair Red band don't hit that damn cattle meat
Oh my God!
How loud can this place get for fucking Charlie Rolls?
I love you Tony!
I love you Tony!
God damn it, we did it again!
God damn it, we did it again!
Make some noise for Harlan Williams!
Make some noise for Tony Hawk! Ian Finance!
One more fucking time for Jelly Roll!
And the best damn band in the land!
Sean Greenberg, John Dee, Steve Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa,
and fucking Esteban Viejo.
The drawing from Ryan J. Ebert is in.
Thank you to ZipRecruiter and Shopify.
Unbelievable stuff happening.
The stream for the forum is now on sale right now. So that's a
two-night event. The forum, the YouTube theater, you can catch it absolutely live
or you could wait weeks for it. It's up to you. No pressure. But Hans Kim vs.
Rick Diaz 2 is on the line at the forum and a lot of other fun stuff going on.
How about one more time for Harlan Williams,
Tony Hawk, Ant Bydance, and Jelly Roll.
Special shout out to a fan of the show
and unbelievable artist, the great Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys
up there watching.
Maybe one day we'll be able to convince them
to come down and play with us one day.
Who knows, anything can happen.
Red Band?
Guys, check out Tony Hawk's amazing video games
on all the systems, I love him.
I love your promo, Tony Hawk.
Like Tony Hawk needs more help.
But seriously, check out Hawk versus Wolf
with the great Jason Ellis.
That's Tony Hawk's podcast.
Harlan's podcast, The Harlan Highway.
Guest of the year nominee, 2024.
And I think he pulled out even farther out tonight.
And you know, there's nothing we love more
than having some of the top Young Rising comedians on panel.
One more time for Ian Bynes, his special is out now.
Wild Happy and Free, April 21st, it is out.
The B and E in pod as well.
We love you guys.
You guys have fun tonight?
We love you, good night everybody, thank you. I'm gonna go a good boy, I'm gonna be a good boy The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.
Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you you