lemonparty - 081: Live from Philadelphia
Episode Date: May 14, 2024more episodes: https://www.patreon.com/lemonparty live dates: https://www.lemonparty.life/livedates ben avery: https://www.instagram.com/benaveryisgood/ https://twitter.com/benaveryisgood devan cos...ta: https://www.instagram.com/devanjamescosta/ https://twitter.com/DevanCosta jace avery: https://www.instagram.com/saddrawingsbyjace/ https://twitter.com/JaceAvery website: https://www.lemonparty.life/ Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwlbiNZoV2RpNygeOQZnQ0Q Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/3RRoTJ1TV0hLtkKOtT2Mc5?si=60641c5188294084&nd=1 Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/lemonparty/id1651896150 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
You named your park after Kyle Rittenhouse.
Yep.
And there's a bar down the street that thinks he's the goat.
Greatest of all time.
No, it's great.
We were driving around screaming slurs at everybody.
And you guys put the Rocky statue at the bottom of the steps, because everybody got too fat to get up.
And you'll never see a Creed statue.
They go, we got a Creed statue, it's the bottom of the river.
It's the Allen Iverson one, just pretend.
It's right next to the rope and a tree statue we got.
Now Philly's great, You could drink at a colonial bar
where Thomas Jefferson used to rape his slaves.
Man, a lot of people here look like they're on missing flyers.
And you look at them and you go, I hope they find him.
Yeah, I kept looking at people, I thought I was looking at a mirror, but more racist.
Through a mirror raciously, Philly?
That's great.
Man, Alahu Akbar retards.
Man, it is good to be here.
They're so supportive here, I love a good to be here. They're so supportive here.
I love a good Philly retard.
This shit is, this is crazy.
Your grade A retard.
Yeah.
This is a lot better than Kensington.
Even though I did get sucked off for $2 earlier today.
They have no teeth.
It's like a human flesh light.
It's amazing. We recorded Dammie, we were driving away. It's like a human flesh light. It's amazing.
We were recording Dab Me.
We were driving away.
It was like Space Invaders.
It's fucking insane.
I almost hit three crack heads.
I got bonus points.
Yeah.
They're like ghetto deer.
Have you guys just thought about
just fucking getting rid of that street, just get rid of
it.
Well, they blew up Kensington and Philly last night and they...
And no one gave a shit.
Will they...
Yeah.
Do you...
Is it a thing?
Do people...
Do high school kids go down there to get sucked off and get HIV?
Of course.
Of course.
Fucking I did.
That's where everybody has their coming of age story here.
Yeah.
Down on Kensington.
Down on Kensington.
Yeah, we weren't on Kensington yet,
we were driving around, we were like,
man, this looks like a really poor neighborhood,
but I don't see any black people yet. What's going on?
It's weird.
And then we turned the corner.
I go, Ben, they're flanking us.
Man, this is great.
I do love, we were eating at the Goat,
and I do love, we were walking around for a little bit,
and we have to play the game Lemon Lemon party fan or homeless crackhead?
Yeah.
Never quite sure.
A lot of people here are like very positive football coaches.
I'm getting a look at everybody.
You getting a look, Ben?
I'm getting a gander.
Yeah, salutes.
Oh my God.
Hell yeah.
I thought it was dark in here. Everybody's just fat as shit
Good Lord, what's up? Now? I got a guy just keeps pointing at his wife like you can fuck her
Please mr. Ben Avery sir fuck my wife
What's up, dude, yes, sir, how's it going, buddy?
You just keep pointing at your lady, huh?
I'm sorry that he's holding you hostage here, ma'am.
She's definitely not a fan of this show.
There's no way.
She's handcuffed to that table, right?
Oh, yeah.
You bringing her and her not knowing us,
you should be charged with rape.
Yeah, I saw a girlfriend last show You bringing her and her not knowing us, you should be charged with rape.
Yeah, I saw a girlfriend last show blinking a torture in Morse code.
Like John McCain, Jesus Christ.
What's up?
You guys can't really tell, he looks like John Bernthal.
I think we got a good one here.
Oh yeah.
Okay, great.
He's like performatively.
Hello? Oh, yeah. Okay, great. He's like performatively. Hello.
All right. He's got it.
He's got fucking nothing. That's it.
Dude. Oh, you drugged out retard.
You want to fuck her?
You want to fuck my wife?
Do you? Well, you can.
I'll be back in three hours.
I wish you were black.
I can't fuck her anymore.
My dick got ripped off at my construction job.
I demoed buildings and I tried to fuck a trash can,
it got ripped out.
I'm selling scrap metal after this.
You know, we met so many people in Philly
who were like, got these scam businesses.
Like a guy's like, oh dude, now I sell teeth down on the boardwalk. It's a great deal.
People need molars, man. God damn it, it's only white people in here. It's only, of course.
I mean the clock back there says 1488. I. I mean, that's what we told the owner.
A broken clock is right once a day, right?
Or all the time.
Hey, if it's stuck on that number.
Yeah, we ain't got any old heads in the house.
Oh, there ain't no unks?
There ain't no old heads.
We talked in the word old heads this week,
and he's been using it way inappropriately.
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Yeah. He's just like, these, these Wawa sandwiches are very old head.
Yeah.
Also, we, we did go to a Wawa. I thought it was a gas station. It's more like a human trough,
honestly.
Yeah. It really is.
It was like there was a ball pit for sandwiches.
A bunch of fat... I watched a fat guy in a yellow vest
just like making a screen sticky.
Ugh!
Ugh!
Me!
It's a lot of factory farm construction workers.
Do you think they call it wah-wah
because they're too retarded to call it a longer word?
Yeah.
Wah-wah. They're trying to, they needwah because they're too retarded to call it a longer word. Yeah. Wah-wah.
They're trying to, they need water, they're dying.
I need wah-wah.
Wah-wah.
Wah-wah.
They go, we got coke.
Yeah, they try to hand him water
and he's like, no, no, no, cold red.
Cold red wah-wah.
Put some crystal light in it.
Man, I've gained fucking 40 pounds in like four months.
Yeah.
Yeah, give it up for me.
Look at this fucking fat fuck.
He's fucking, he's wearing a beach umbrella.
Yeah, you're a piece of shit, man.
Yeah.
I hate you, faggot.
Yeah, we did, we ate in DC yesterday and the waiter just brought Ben two desserts without
asking.
He actually did.
He didn't-
That happened, that's true.
I was like, oh, sorry.
Must be a fan of some kind.
He's like, no, I know you were going to ask for them.
I saw your Magic City ass.
Yeah.
Dude, he was like Salvador and he goes,
"'Please just don't, don't hurt us, please take it."
Forking it over?
Yeah.
You're turning into Alexis Texas.
I'd fucking, I'd fucking hang out at Wawa all day
if I was a fucking top shelf Philly retard.
Yeah. Dude, Ben, Ben was like, "'Pull over, I was a fucking top-shelf Philly retard yeah
Do Ben Ben was like pull over I need a breakfast coke
You got a coke at 10 a.m.. This morning. Oh yeah, yeah, he's a shit You're like a construction worker that just keeps working on his own death
Dude, am I you're building your own casket. What's great too is my ass is getting fatter which rocks
I've always had a small ass. I looked at in the mirror in the hotel and I was like hell. Yeah, I'm getting a fat ass I
Kind of want to keep going and then trim down. I don't know. I'm gonna titty fuck you at some point. I
Think I really will start to look like Chris Christie at some point if I gave it up. Oh, yeah
Oh, of course.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
The tits will be the only thing holding up your pants.
You're going to look like Mike Huckabee's sons.
People brought us literature.
Oh, nice.
No country for old men.
Thank you.
They're like, I went to that fag store and got you one of these.
It's written in chocolate. I kind of, since we're in Philly, like I do
want to get to know these people and I kind of want to know like who the who's
like the most white trash here. They all raise their hands. Yeah. Anybody here
especially white trash? Yeah who's like, I mean, who's despicable?
Like just a piece of shit.
Come on.
Who's a disgusting asshole?
Who's been destroyed by the system?
Who here loves Yellow Wolf?
Any G, any people in a G-easy shirt right now?
Dude, you know what's funny is there's like three guys right now
that are looking around like very humbly, like, I mean.
I mean.
They're like, I guess if I have to.
If no one else will take the floor, then
me and my gangster Popeye t-shirt will walk right up.
I don't want to have to do it to him one time, but you know I did fuck Lola bunny once I
Am so unhealthy my skin turned brown and it made me very mad
It can't be you sir you can't be the most white trash here. Who's this you think you always upset?
What's the opposer
He's upset.
What's the? The opposer?
You eat tobacco?
Okay, he eats tobacco.
Is anybody more white trash than that?
This man uses tobacco incorrectly.
Okay.
Sir, we said white trash, not retarded.
He's like, yeah.
He's like, oh, I can't, I have no brain.
My brain has come. I just got back from Shutter Island
Alright, sir. I'll let you defend yourself
Nutritional purposes what what wait what?
Fuck is he talking about even though even know what a fucking vitamin is what's up?
He said do you even know what a vitamin is what a vitamin is
plenty and fuck I'm from LA I'm gayer than you bitch drink your fucking they
don't know vitamins that's where you put a bunch of ice cream in a blender and
yeah get it all together when you drink your buddy's piss all right I tried
talking to him for a second he just started calling you guys faggots. So there we go.
Well, right back at you, faggot.
That is that is a term of endearment.
It is. I get it. I love it.
It's the white N-word. Yeah.
No, Devon, that's actually the N-word.
You, sir.
Fucking we got a jelly roll.
Steven Avery right here.
Yeah!
Oh man.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
We need some fucking, hey how we doing tonight?
How we doing tonight?
What do you need?
What's up buddy?
You're white trash for sure right?
For sure dude, yeah.
Take me back to my trailer park there daddy.
Oh yeah.
Dude, I love this guy, we were so tired from this trip. Yeah
Rolled up and you guys with some energy you guys looking about the crop you helped us a lot you helped us a lot
Yeah, it's a one-man wrestling promo
Yeah, I got bone crusher at the Astro dome
We really we needed an inspirational speech
from the big show.
Fuck yeah, dude.
No, dude, we were-
You got it, brother.
Yeah.
We were so tired trying to hide
and this dude came around the corner and goes,
oh, look at these fucking retards right here.
Hell yeah.
I was like, dude, like the C4 you drank before
that just went right in my hand.
Yeah.
You're the type to call Celsius gay.
Yeah.
Dude, what's?
It is gay, yeah.
I know, somehow.
Cause it says you lose weight on it.
I will, yeah.
Do you have some?
Yeah.
So sir, what year did your cousin give birth to you?
Uh, uh, nine. Yeah, so sir what year did your cousin give birth to you?
What the 90 fucking five god damn I have six fucking toes let's go
Yeah, yeah the diet co are getting to this guy, dude. Oh, shit. That is so funny.
I think one of that guy's teeth just fell out.
Yeah.
What's your name, man?
Jeff.
Jeff.
Jeff.
All right.
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
Nice to meet you, Dev, Jace, Ben.
You guys kick ass, man.
Oh, thank you, buddy.
Thank you, dude.
Thank you, buddy.
You're the man.
You fucking kick ass, dude.
Yeah, yeah.
You fucking kick ass, dude.
I'll give you two. You're the man. You fucking kick ass, dude. Yeah, yeah. Fucking kick ass, dude.
Fucking kick ass, dude.
I think it's...
I fucking brought Scooey and Deeter here.
And they're having a great fucking time, dude.
Yeah.
Dude, Dewey just got out of jail for fucking a kid, so...
Yeah.
We're gonna bring Dianne Lee to comedy show. We gotta hit the needle
exchange in the morning. He's like a parrot with CTE. He's the rooster for the trailer park.
At 6 a.m. he walks on a fence and goes,
hell yeah, dude!
Okay, here's one I really gotta ask
because you guys just die in machines
and stuff here all the time.
You get hit by cars like Meet Joe Black style.
Weird deaths.
Who knows like a really strange death, weird death thing
that happened in Philly that you know personally,
you could tell us a little.
There's a horrified woman in the front row right here.
Oh nice, look at that.
A woman raised her hand like she was trying
to get on the helicopter out of Vietnam.
A woman raised her hand like she was trying to get on the helicopter out of Vietnam. She's doing sign language like call 911.
It's the hand thing for abduction. She's like, she's doing it behind her back.
All right. We have a lovely lady here.
This guy goes, let's hear it.
I have two.
What did you say?
Some guy goes, let's hear it.
Yeah, some guy in the back is like, wow, I guess we're going to let the women talk
now.
Hey, I froze up, but that whore better be good.
I know this is one of those woke mom virus comedy shows.
Okay, she's about to talk into the microphone.
If it's triggering, just put your fingers in your ears as she's talking.
We don't actually hate women.
I mean, I do 98% of the time, but they fuck us and all that.
All right, here we go.
So I have two.
One of them, I was going to work down in South Philly and it was nine o'clock in the morning
and someone jumped in front of the subway and killed themselves.
Damn. He thought it was a sandwich.
I was a little upset. He goes, oh shit, I'm fucking hungry as
shit yo. You're telling me subway's coming by right now?
Dude, it's the F train? I wanna fuck!
This gets turned to red mist.
What's the second one?
The second one was someone suffocated in a pile of clothes.
Wow!
That's...oh my god!
That's more retarded than I thought you could be.
I didn't know that existed.
Can we get some backstory on this, ma'am?
She had seizures, which is sad.
Well, you ruined the show just like they told us you would.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
it might get really funny.
Hold on.
Was it a big SpongeBob t-shirt?
Was it something good?
Yeah, what was it?
She was alone.
She was alone! Pretty funny!
That's really funny.
Wow. I'm speechless.
She's like, yeah, she has seizures
because a hubcap went into her brain in 87.
You do picture people in Philly dying on their back
like bugs that can't roll over.
I literally expect a 40-year-old man
to get stuck in a bucket of water like a baby.
Just kicking his legs.
He can't get out.
Good God.
Yeah.
Did you know that person?
Did you know them?
Were they your buddy?
Were they your pal?
Cause if so, you're an idiot too.
Well, I mean, I'm sorry, I'm kidding.
Devin!
How dare you be mean to women and minorities?
If I knew a guy or somebody that died under T-shirts,
I'd leave the country. I'd be like, that's minorities. If I knew a guy or somebody that died under t-shirts, I'd leave the country.
I'd be like, that's, I'm a fucking moron.
That was my friend.
That was my friend.
In Philadelphia, they call fucking fumigation
tints t-shirts though.
That's, it goes both ways.
Well, I mean, I was the last person to see her.
But. This sounds suspicious now.
Wow.
Oh my god, you killed her with t-shirts.
I mean, she was told not to leave her clothes on the floor.
What?
That bitch had it coming.
Fuck her.
Oh, man.
You know when somebody dies in their t-shirts
in Philly they just like pick up the laundry
and throw it in the ocean.
They go that's a marine death right there like Osama.
This is the weirdest onion that keeps peeling back.
I still don't, I still am NOT quite sure why this person
So they fell asleep on the floor. How did the t-shirts get on top of them? Okay? No, no, no, no
She had a seizure and fell onto all the
Helps yeah. Yeah, she she fell onto a pile of clothes. Oh
Well, the seizure killed her and then the clothes but she But she was told not to pile clothes up because that would happen.
Because she's done it before.
So the doctors in Philadelphia know you're that retarded.
They go, whatever you do, hey, they go put tape over your outlets, you're going to stick a fork in that, alright?
We got some tips for yous. We got some tips for yous.
We got some tips for yous toos.
There's Narcan in the shirts here.
Dude, you missed it. She said,
what'd you say you said?
She was told this because she's done this before.
She's done this before.
They told her, like, now remember the last time
you put a t-shirt on the ground
and you crawled under it and almost died? They told her, like, now remember the last time you put a t-shirt on the ground? Yeah.
And you crawled under it and almost died?
Remember, we came home, you're blue as a blood, crying.
All right.
Well, you know, fool me once, shame on you.
Well, it's a shame, but you're here and thank you for speaking up.
Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Oh, man.
I love the shoes, probably buried in a minion coffin.
Thank you, ma'am. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing. Truly, man. I love the shoes. Probably buried in a minion coffin.
Thank you, man. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. Truly, truly.
Thank you.
I love asking the crowd, like,
does anybody know any strange deaths?
Like, you expect, like, somebody to raise their hand and go,
I'm dying right now.
This is pretty strange.
Does anybody else have any strange deaths?
If not, we'll move on.
I just feel like there's... Oh, we gotta get right here.
I just feel like there'd be some weird ones in Philly of all places.
Gotta be.
My friend crashed and died in a fireball in his car.
That's a very strange death.
Wow! He died drinking cinnamon toast crunch booze.
drinking cinnamon toast crunch booze. Was he, sir I'm not even gonna ask was he drunk driving, how drunk was he?
All the way, I don't know, point one.
Wait, was he like your good friend?
Yeah he was a good friend from middle school actually, yeah.
Okay, well, you know.
You lose some friends from middle school. How close were you really?
Yeah, I know. I have like, I knew like nine people
who died in ATV accidents.
Middle school, I kind of like take joy
when they die, my friends.
Middle school.
I call Ben up, I go, another guy flipped his gator.
Dude, so we know someone from our hometown that he was doing donuts on an incline like
this down a hill on a four-wheeler.
He's paralyzed.
I just found out the other day he's still holding out hope that he's going to be able
to walk one day.
And you mean he was just eating donuts up a hill?
Yeah. Yeah.
It was West Texas, so they just stapled him to the four wheeler.
I guess your wheelchair now, bud.
I wanna know, this is Philly.
You know, you guys are fucking named after cream cheese.
Yeah.
Who's the- Very good.
Very good. Very good.
Very good, baby.
Very, very good.
You tried that one on us earlier and we all were-
Well, hey, I'm playing for Mike Rainey in the back too.
Fuck you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Who's known the fattest person here?
Just shout out a number.
Who thinks they've known the fattest guy?
Anybody know over a 600?
450?
450. Oh no, no, 350. Oh no, no 600? 450? You know, wait, what?
350, fuck yeah.
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben.
Ben, immediately get over here.
Ben, you said 900?
You said 900?
900 going once, going twice.
900, let me hear it, 900, 929, 20, let me hear it,
929, 20, 925, 925.
We got a 900 here, Ben.
929, 25, let me hear it.
This is how exceptional Philly is.
We've done five shows.
The fattest we've got is 520.
You knew 900 pound person?
Really?
Actually it was in Delaware, not Philly.
Oh my God.
Close enough.
Delaware?
Yeah.
Oh hold the mic closer to your face.
We're not part of Pennsylvania.
Okay but the woman.
Oh I know that shit.
I drove through it, it's all the same kind of. The woman was from Delaware? What's that? The woman's from Delaware? It was a man. Oh a man.
Oh was this like a like a sentient monster truck? No. Like cars? Like it's Sp- Owen Wilson did the
voice? Yeah yeah. No he was a patient of mine. I'm a nurse and he was a patient of mine.
Okay, so you're vying HIPAA right now.
We got footage of the back-getter!
I didn't say a name, so we're good.
If you're over 900 pounds, it's technically HIPAA, ladies and gentlemen.
Very good!
Woo! There we go.
The white Barry Bonds, ladies and gentlemen.
So she was 900 pounds.
What was she in the hospital for?
Like a hangnail.
Hurt herself during a marathon?
Yeah. They literally couldn't get off their own toilet and had to be Like a hangnail? Hurt herself during a marathon?
Yeah.
They literally couldn't get off their own toilet and had to be brought to the hospital.
Oh, damn!
Fuck!
Dude, they had to cut the turlet off of her?
Turlet, pretty much.
Dude, so did she show up with the whole toilet stuck to her ass or was it?
She just ripped the seat off like Godzilla. Did they airlift her out like Homer in that episode?
Damn you don't know. Okay, so then what happened she just came there and she was like I'm fat as shit
How'd she die like was there like last moments or was it just like bring me Big Max and let's listen?
Okay, there's no alive oh there they lived well I don't like that
Devon they they cut the toilet lid off they make fun of them for a couple hours call him gay flick their tits and then Send them home
Yeah, the nurses low bridged him for a couple hours, call them gay, flick their tits, and then send them home. Yeah. Yeah.
The nurses low-bridged him.
Yeah.
Can I ask you a few questions?
The doctor's like, oh, we're going to prescribe you
a TV show, actually.
How does three seasons sound?
Good?
Can I ask you in all seriousness, ma'am, when they go,
hey, we got a code.
There's a 900-pound guy with a toilet on his ass. You guys are all like, oh,am, when they go, hey, we got a code, there's a 900 pound guy
with a toilet on his ass, you guys are all like,
oh, this is jackpot, right?
Like, we're talking master shit about this guy.
Dude, like, nurses get excited a little bit.
No, we say, oh, fuck.
No, that's why we live, I guess.
Do you draw straws to see who gets the toilet guy?
Luck of the draw. Damn. Luck of the draw.
Damn.
Luck of the draw, yeah.
What are you guys, by the way, what are you guys doing with all the poop in the bedpans,
by the way?
Because I'm on to them.
Fucking freaks.
I got a guy I want to talk to.
Did you guys feed it to that guy with like whipped cream on top?
No.
It was sad. You're about to say it's sad. Did you guys feed it to that guy with like whipped cream on top? No.
It was sad. You're about to say it's sad.
Yeah. Right.
Wait, what do you do with all the shit?
It goes down the toilet.
Well, I was really overthinking it for some reason.
I was like, well, they can't put it in the toilet.
There has to be a big bag and it's got the thing on it.
Yeah, they put it into an MRE for fat people because they can't leave the house.
Yeah, they do a CAT scan on it. They're like, oh, there's mice bones in here.
They feed it to snakes. What's the fattest shit you've seen in a bedpan?
Jace, great question. Jace, excellent stuff.
Now boys, ignore the show for a second.
I gotta know something.
We have some personal stuff to attend to here.
If you had to guess in inches and pounds,
what's the biggest shit?
What are we talking?
Maybe, I would say probably maybe about five to 10 pounds.
Damn! Wow! Oh my god!
And that shit is here tonight!
That's not taking a shit, that's giving birth.
Also, our first applause break is a 10 pound shit.
Yeah.
See here's what's funny, when they get too big, the story, it's just kind of boring.
Yeah I know, you're right.
They just sort of lay there.
I once knew a big stone.
Yeah.
You're like, I once knew the boulder in Indiana Jones.
It's like, let's move on
Does anybody have a bigger guy or a smaller guy or a bigger shit like I heard someone here 350 that's fucking that's nothing Yeah, 350. I mean you're about to be in shape
In this city yeah, we sure we don't have anybody over a thousand pounds.
Come on, we're talking a thousand, man.
Yeah, that's true.
You guys are on too many drugs to get that fat.
Yeah.
Right?
They actually injected fentanyl here.
It's like wolves in Yellowstone.
We have to fight obesity.
Anyway. Hey hey hey hey
we got a okay so we got like a young prodigy here we we got we got a and look
if I was a scout in the big leagues I got my eye on the front on a guy right
here 15 years old 500 pounds. Yeah this is the the show hey ohtani of fat fox. Yeah he
can eat left or right-handed. TLC just signed him to a 90 million dollar
contract. Yes. 500 pounds how do you know? 15 years old 500 pounds. 15 years old, 500 pounds. 15 years old? Actually, 13, sorry. Oh, damn.
Oh.
Dude, the fucking nurses just kill the parents.
I'm a pediatric nurse and I see a lot of very overweight.
Sorry, what's that, ma'am?
What's going on?
She's a pediatric nurse and she started laughing
and said, I see a lot of overweight people.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah. Ma'am, you're at the zoo, you're going to see animals, all right?
What'd you expect?
I don't have anything to say.
That was it!
Come on, there's some funny anecdotes, maybe some slip and falls.
You knew a really fat child.
He was the man, actually.
He was cool, but he's very accustomed to hospital life
No, no, it's very funny
She's like I'm sorry, it's just hard. It's just so funny, you know
Yeah, that guy is that guy is the man if anyone is the man it's him
It's him he's 13 years old and 500 pounds that guy kicks ass yeah I love you haven't gotten through puberty and
people call you a big boss man
good has anybody here oh you know we should ask them like in Philly like
who's well they're all kind of from around here. Who's got like a crazy hometown scandal story?
Yeah, we like that one.
Yeah, any?
Somebody?
Oh, there we go, there we go.
Oh, this is good.
We'll come to you, sir.
Where are we, right here?
Hey, what's your name?
It better not be like Shane Gillis got fired from SNL
or some shit.
It's not, it's not, I promise.
Our best friend, Shane Gillis.
My cousin, she got fired from her school district
for texting an underage kid.
Yeah!
Was she hot though?
Now she is.
Wait, she wasn't then?
I mean, pretty hot, she was his volleyball coach.
Well then what's the issue here?
She was his volleyball coach and he was 18.
Okay.
That is bullshit! I will fucking go to court for that guy!
Yeah.
What? Is there video?
She had to move out of her hometown and she moved to Montana to be a teacher again.
Good for her.
That kicks ass.
I love female pedophiles.
Devin is the Johnny Cochran of female pedophiles.
If the dick don't fit, you must acquit.
Thank you, buddy.
Yeah, that lady sounds really cool, I don't know.
Yeah, we just kind of love her.
That's the gayest thing I've ever heard, firing that lady.
We got a guy over here. Hold on. I think this is a good one
I'm since in I'm since in there was a priest in your hometown for like 20 bodies
Let's see what we got here. No, I grew up where home where Tiger King was filmed though
Tiger King in Florida. I grew up. That's a there was a 15 minute ride for me over in the Arbuckles.
Yeah, that was me.
Damn.
You know that guy's such a fucking loser now,
he asked to do my podcast.
Is that true?
That's literally true.
And I didn't get back to him.
He was probably just,
he was probably just trying to fuck John.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's probably right.
Did you know, oh it's been so,
did you know him or any of the retards
he tricked into being gay?
No, so it was during 2020,
that's when the documentary landed,
everyone's locked in their home.
I'm back in North Texas, I'm watching it,
all of a sudden I start seeing this doc come out and a bunch of people that
I know. My phone goes off.
Everybody that we know's phones
goes off. This is like in Davis,
Oklahoma and Ardmore, Oklahoma.
It doesn't matter, but like
small town all of a sudden,
they were on the map. We're
like, oh my God, the our buckles
are on the map. The Tiger King's
on the map. No shit. We're about
to be millionaires. We literally
and we kind of count the kids. We're about to be millionaires!
We literally, we.
Honey, count of kids!
Wait, wait, wait, was their last name was the Arbuckles?
No, so he, the Arbuckle Mountains are where, are, yeah.
I don't know that.
Yeah, no.
I literally thought the guy who owns big.
Essentially it's a glorified.
I thought it was Fatty Arbuckles family. Well, no, that's where was fatty Arbuckles family.
Well, no, that's where the Tiger Reserve was.
Was the guy who owned cats John Arbuckle?
Was it Garfield?
No, the Arbuckle Mounds are where the Tiger Reserve was.
So you'd go up there.
I love calling it a reserve, not a prison.
Reserve.
I saw tigers in there doing diamond pushups.
But no, the story, you'd see him go back to the Walmart though, you'd hear about him stocking
up like getting pounds of just whatever the fuck they were throwing out.
He'd take it up, throw it out.
I mean, he was a name around there.
He was a big fucking day.
It was a thing.
So no.
It's the closest thing we had to Tracy McGrady.
Yeah, unfortunately it was the one thing
that put Southern Oklahoma on the map
in a very inconvenient time.
Okay.
So yeah, we got to see the whole schedule.
It was like, oh, he was doing that
with the Tigers the whole time.
No way.
Can I ask you when the documentary came out, God.
I've talked to too many retards, I'm becoming one.
When that document came out, did you notice like a boom in tourism in that small town?
Not in the slightest.
Damn.
People are like, people are like, that's a great documentary.
We're not getting near those retards.
Everybody just started fist bumping that guy, by the way.
Like, hell yeah.
Hell yeah, lock him up.
We got a guy over here.
Is it a good one, buddy?
He said hell yeah, okay.
Let's see what we got here.
People that say hell yeah are cool.
Where the fuck is this guy sitting?
Jesus Christ.
What is this guy in the bathroom?
Oh, okay.
I have a Philly story.
My buddy is a teacher in West Philly
and there's crazy shit that always happens.
Like it's like a kid went and murdered somebody
during lunch or something like that.
A kid murdered somebody during, did you go to Columbine?
That was a few months ago, that was a few months ago.
It's West Philly.
Okay, so I'm assuming the way you said West Philly,
that's where black people live.
Yes.
Am I right about that?
Yeah, it was the Fresh Prince.
So he always sends a shit of what his kids are doing,
send a Reddit post of they're doing something stupid.
He sent another one this week and I just didn't even read it.
I was like, damn, they're on a hot streak.
The rest of the group chat was like, that's terrible.
I'm so sorry.
I finally clicked on it.
It was like body taken out of the water, identified.
He's like, this is one of my students.
Ah, damn.
God.
Well, that's just sad. Maybe it was the 13-year-old 500-pound guy.
They took him out and the water went down.
Thank you for sharing, but Ben, find a funny one.
That's a huge fucking bummer.
He goes, yeah, in West Philly a guy had to go fishing for an eighth grader.
Jesus Christ.
He had to catch him on a big hook.
I got a real humdinger for you guys.
Here we go, right here.
All right, so it's a little more lighthearted, but the other day I was driving down the street
from my house.
I was at the Acme and I was driving to the street that I live on.
What is the Acme?
The Acme, the Acme is a grocery store.
No, let's all, you can answer one at a time.
We'll go down the route.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
The person with the mic can answer.
The Acme is a grocery store.
Oh, okay.
And I was at the Acme.
It's like named after like cartoon characters.
And listen, I was at the Acme and I was following this guy out of the Acme parking lot onto
the street and he started driving.
I wasn't following him, but I happened to be driving the same way as him or her.
Stop!
Shut up!
Hey, we can't hear you guys.
We're trying to do the show just just when women start talking
Just disassociate like you just go on our YouTube channel cost gay in the comments
We'll read it later part of the story is
That the license plate on the car was bread
B-r-e-a-d
Bread, and I watched this guy take a fucking corner and knock the mirror off someone else's car
And then just keep driving and that was it and I just and that was it that's the story
That guy's really pissed off. He's like the city worked hard on that
Sounds like a black scumbag. Oh
Jesus fucking Christ. So that was it?
That was it.
Alright.
Alright.
Well, no, relax, relax, relax.
Everybody relax, Jesus Christ. Andrew Tate's here next week.
Man, this is an unruly mob now. They're getting a little feisty here. They're getting a little
crazy. They're shouting, they're hooting, they're hollering. Folks, we're trying to
have a good time here. Yeah. No, we're going to die on the end of the tour for sure. Yeah, yeah.
They're gonna storm the stage and just rip us apart.
We are doing a VIP meet and greet after
where you can pay us $100 to call us faggots.
You don't have to just do it on Reddit anymore.
You can do it in real life.
Geez, they're all like raising their head.
It's so funny.
It's...
And have you noticed?
No women are.
I want to know if anybody here...
Well, let's talk to someone a little bit more meek.
We need to talk to someone who with a troubled past.
Who here has escaped the cult?
Oh, interesting. Any Amish any on it oh right here boom
dude so this ties in a little bit to the hometown scandal so in my family we've some interesting folks, including my uncle Dennis,
who in 2007. Oh God, this is terrifying.
Who in 2006, kidnapped a pizza delivery boy
and strapped a bomb to his fucking neck.
You're not too far off.
So he was a priest and he was doing some weird shit and got.
He was fucking children. Not yet, not yet.
Oh, okay. We're getting there.
He was working his way up to that. Yeah, exactly.
Right. So he gets like kicked out of the Catholic
church and forms his own church that he calls the Society of the Immaculata.
Okay, well that sounds like an old slur you guys invented.
Exactly, yeah.
Total freak.
Liar?
Liar?
Fucking liar?
This is real.
Is this Uncle Dennis?
Kinda looked alike.
You showed the fuck up, dude.
I didn't fuck those kids.
I didn't rape you, all right?
Take it easy.
Dude, just think of Rocky.
But so good old Uncle Dennis and his new cult
that my whole family was kind of involved with
fell in love with one of his altar boys.
Whoa.
Whoa, what a shocking twist.
Wow.
What?
What? Oh my god. Gay! Every gay guy is
secretly like, but that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that actually. You
gotta teach them how to do it. If you're gay, you can date a boy, that's fine.
That's what Milo Yiannopoulos said. So did anything else happen that was it? So in his love
for the altar boy he took a video of it and gave it to him so they could
memorialize their love. Kids parents found it, went to prison. There's like a
New York Post article about him and all that. Oh the New York Post is reliable.
Yeah I mean the interesting story would be a priest didn't rape a kid.
They're like, we found the one, it's because his dick got cut off by a kid.
Also sir, I love your, you got a septum piercing.
Is that like the equivalent walking around here like a sniper's target on your forehead?
Kind of. I am.
Like not tonight.
Last night I was walking around in Rittenhouse Square
and got called a faggot by someone driving college.
Oh man.
Yeah, dude I'm sorry.
I'm sorry we were out on a walk.
What are we gonna do?
Yeah, we apologize.
You were in a Subaru so we had to.
Why don't you fill that thing up with a Clif bar
and some Trek mix and keep it moving.
You know what's funny? When I was in college I used to walk around Abilene, Texas, in West Texas, and a couple times a guy rolled down his window and went,
faggot. And what's funny now is before shows I'm walking around and people roll down
the window and go, faggot. Love the show.
Yeah. And you walk so retarded people think you're actually just a faggot. Love the show. Yeah. And you walk so retarded, people think you're actually just
a fag. You got fucked in the ass. I have Morton's toe, damn it. You walk like a fucking Jesus
Christ, like a South Park character. You walk like Team America, dude. Jesus Christ. Look at him. Look at him walk back and forth and move into
me. Look at that fucking retarded gay walk. What's funny is I'm consciously trying to
walk normal at it. I think it keeps getting worse. All right. Someone else raise their
hand. Someone left a cult. Right here? Who was it? Right here. Oh, we got one right here.
There we go. Okay. I think it's a lady oh look at this is it are
you a lesbian or a snowboarder X snowboarder I X snowboarder I knew it I
hung up the doctor but yo I my cousin I'm not from around here from New York my cousin went to high school with Vincent Ambrosia
Have a seat tax Wow
Hello Wow
Hey real quick fucking bright up here. It's a fucking honor
Let me shake your hand Hey, real quick. It's fucking bright up here. It's a fucking honor. Yes, it's honor.
Let me shake your hand.
It's honor.
I got you guys something, actually.
Okay.
Oh my God, thank you.
Guys, Fennel, hooray.
Yeah, so, yeah, tax that fucking creep, man.
Up to the tits.
I wish he was here.
I like how you immediately turned into Patrice O'Neil.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So y'all haven't noticed Vince's ambrosia, motherfuckers?
This motherfucker ready?
Yeah, so, I don't know. I don't know.
He's a fucking creep.
He's a creep. Well, we learned.
He's a retarded creep.
Yeah, fuck.
What was he like?
Yeah, what was he like in school?
Was he at least cool?
No. Okay, should we explain to people who don't know who Vincent Ambrosia is? Yeah, what was he like? Yeah, what was he like in school? Was he at least cool? No, okay
Should we explain to people who don't know who Vincent Ambrose is?
Yeah, explain to the people. Ben, why don't you take the reins here?
He's a big fat fucking retard
pedophile guy
He's so he's the only guy that was in to catch a predator that they didn't air the episode because Chris Hansen said it
Was too sad. It was too sad
Yeah, It's
literally we watched it halfway through the app you're like be nice to the pedophile right?
Jesus. He was very pathetic. It was extremely pathetic. Did he dress like Bill Hicks in high
school? Like a fucking retard man. Just like you would have thought. He's a fucking retard
man. Imagine it in your mind and you could see it. You could see it all. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, never got pussy.
Damn.
So everybody saw it coming with that guy.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
But he was like, he was innocent, right?
Oh, absolutely innocent.
Yeah, totally innocent.
He was innocent because he was an incel for fucking kids.
Yeah.
He couldn't close the deal.
It's so fucked up because they put him
in the sheriff's car, right car and they take him to prison.
It's like he can't get it in.
He's never going to get it.
You don't have to put him in prison.
He can't even be smooth with a 12-year-old.
Not even close.
It was really smooth.
He has no game.
You got any movies?
You got any movies?
Oh, that line.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fucking hard to watch.
It's very hard.
I've recommended it to everybody.
I've watched it too many times.
When that came out, did your high school chat,
like, hey, Vincent did exactly what we thought he would?
Oh, I didn't go to high school with him.
My cousin did.
And I texted her later on.
It was actually when you guys put it up, I was like, holy shit.
Because you said Wappinger Falls.
It's Wappinger Falls. I was like, holy shit, because you said Wappinger Falls. It's Wappinger Falls.
I was like, no fucking way.
So I texted my cousins.
I was like, do you know Vince and Ambrosia?
They were like, yeah, why?
And I was like, look at this.
And they were like, oh, well, yeah.
No shit, yeah.
Yeah, no, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Also, why are you listening to this podcast?
This is Retard as Hell.
Oh, I fucking love it.
I love you guys. you guys are the best
Thank you so much
That's great
Great Mac Miller hat by the way great Mac Miller hat
You're always one degree separated from like the most famous fat pedophile there's ever
And honestly lesbians kick so much ass.
I mean, I know you guys are going to beat the shit out of each other later, but you
kick ass.
Yeah, I got to say, I could see her knuckles were a little bloody when she was up here.
I go, that poor woman's jaw next to her, Jesus Christ.
Yeah, you guys have like higher domestic abuse rates than like police, right?
It's like police than you guys.
And you both own pit bulls, which is interesting.
Do you guys flip a quarter to see who kicks the other person's ass?
Yeah.
Damn. see who kicks the other person's ass? Yeah.
Damn.
Well, you led what?
I let her shoot me a couple of times the other night with an air.
Dude, it's like a whole other level of domestic abuse. She's like,
I let her put a 44 Magnum to my head the other night.
I want to clarify. It was one of those like or be pellet gun things
It wasn't like an airsoft gun. It was
You guys use your click your
We're gonna have this the first comedy show with the Laramie project It the middle of it. Good Lord.
Jesus Christ.
It's like fucking, it's gays versus the retards.
It really, dude.
So you're saying it wasn't bad you were shooting a BB gun up her pussy.
Respectfully, what is the difference between gay and retard wow that
is true you're both mentally ill yeah you're both going to hell one day wait
is this a polycule like all three of you what's so funny? You guys are all, act like you are all dating each other.
Is this a...
We're all best friends.
We are literally all best friends, and it's funny.
Lies.
Lies.
Before we came to the show, we were like,
yeah, we all have to sit together
because we're a political party.
It's a joke, it's a running joke.
You know the funniest thing is that
they're all gonna fuck you after this.
Yeah.
They're like, hey. But don't let them.
Yeah.
Can I, I could just, I could just see them at the show like, uh, hey, I was the guy who
just yelled nonsense the whole time, so.
You wanna suck me here in my car?
Did you see me? I was basically fourth Mike. And you guys zen, lesbians they zen big time.
Yeah, because it's like baseball culture a little bit, right?
Yeah.
It makes their tongue more coarse for licking pussy.
You know what's...
It gives them like a cat's tongue with little hooks on it.
Yeah, yeah.
I use the nicotine saliva as lube, you know. What'd she say? She uses it as lube, the nicotine saliva, as. Yeah. I use the nicotine saliva as lube, you know?
What'd she say?
She uses it as lube, the nicotine saliva, she said.
What do they use as lube?
She put, she tucks a six milligram in one lip,
just down there.
Yeah, I did a double horseshoe in my pussy.
She puts, she's fucking Copenhagen,
she puts a Dr. Pepper bottle down there, spits
it out.
You know what's funny?
This is the closest we have to a black fan in Philadelphia.
Is this woman right here.
It's this woman.
We've had, so far in the show we've had two black fans, they were both in D.C. and they
both said, don't tell anyone I listened to the show.
Oh man.
Well, thank you for being gay and being here.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
You're great.
I'm wondering how we close the show here. How do we close it? We just think glorious
bastards them. I kind of want to know who in here sold Percocet to Mike Rainey. I'd
love to talk to a drug dealer. Who tried to ruin Mike Rainey's life? Who slang pills
for a little bit? Did anybody ever sling drugs here?
You did and you did?
OK, we got the general manager of a wah-wah right here.
Yeah, we got the jerky boys over here.
There's a guy emphatically raising his hand.
OK, hold on.
To Danzig?
No, it's a festival.
Wait, what?
Wait, what?
What'd he fucking say?
So I was saying, I've been to festivals and sold mushrooms and Xanax and shit, like all
good, if you guys know what all good is.
Back in the day, before it became all hood, all that shit.
Okay.
I can't understand a fucking word you say
Jesus Christ you sound like fucking riff raff he just used to go to festivals
it's all about the festival isn't she's it's like it thank you sir thank you for
embarrassing yourself would you sell?
Guy goes shut up! Guy right there goes
Dude these fucking
These people are fucking animals dude
You guys are monsters.
Oh my god.
This is the first comedy show
they're doing spitballs of shit.
If somebody was dressed.
You guys are too retarded to go to night school, Jesus.
If somebody was dressed as Santa Claus here,
they'd be shot in the head.
Here, this looks like a nice, this guy right here, you want to, this DJ Qualls guy.
Oh, here we go.
I loved you in hustle and flow, sir.
I mean, I used to sell Adderall, so that was a good one.
Gay!
Gay!
You're a fucking pussy.
You suck!
Sir, it would...
Relax, relax, relax.
I guarantee you suck ass too. They start cheering.
They do.
Let's go.
Oh man, sir, it would be less gay to sell your own ass than Adderall.
I'm a bit of a bad boy. I sold three Adderall to my friends.
You know. I'm a bit of a rebel.
Gave my friend a CBD pen once. But that's me, DJ Quals guy.
This dude right here. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing. All right, what's the question pertain to though?
He goes, what's the question?
I just want to talk about myself, dude.
I'm having a rough fucking day.
Were you a drug dealer?
Relax, relax, shut up.
Have I sold drugs?
Yes.
Yeah, I've sold drugs.
Yes, I have.
You've sold drugs?
Yeah.
What type of drugs?
All of it, yeah.
All of it? You've sold drugs? Yeah. What type of drugs?
What drugs?
All of it, yeah.
All of it?
You're like the white Pablo Escobar?
Not on that scale.
Okay, so just every drug in the book you sold?
Not heroin, no.
Huh?
Not heroin?
No heroin, no.
Never heroin?
No meth, no heroin. heroin. No heroin no meth no heroin, okay?
Did anything ever oh my god guys this isn't a
All right you guys unfortunately can't handle that question, so we just had to move on. Thank you for speaking up.
I'm sorry about all the people you live amongst. Devin, shut up.
I saw it blow at Satin Dolls in Lodi, New Jersey.
Dude, really?
At the fucking...
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Fuck yeah.
That kicks ass.
That's the fucking Sopranos strip club, right?
Yup.
Oh, I love- best guy here!
Fuck that place.
Fuck that place?
Why?
Hands down, all the fucking gay Sopranos fans that go in there all the time looking for
Tony?
Fuck off.
They don't know he died?
No, they think he's real.
They think he's a real guy.
They think it's a real guy. They think it's a real guy.
Yeah. Hey sir, can I ask you, how many times did you see Vito Spadafore there and how much
did he suck? Well, actually that's based on me and quite a bit. Oh, so you suck off security
guards. No, I've heard from like five friends that actor who plays Vito
he like stalks sopranos tours yeah and then tries to suck off all the people on
the tours. Yep. He's a fucking fanouc he should die. He should fuck. No. Oh god.
This shit is insane.
Yeah, I know, we gotta get out of here.
Jesus Christ.
I don't even know if they'll let us in the show.
This is so sad.
This is the most fun I've ever had.
Thank you guys.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you.
To be honest, to be honest,
I'm just proud of you guys for not chucking batteries
at us at any point.
These guys, dude.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
You're like the people people post about on Facebook that died last week.
Dude, this guy's going to be at the meet and greet hugging us like Lenny from Ice and Man.
He's going to snap your back.
I just wanted to hug the podcasters, George.
Oh man.
Well, I gotta say, the retards suck ass and the gay guys are winning, I would say.
The gay guys win!
The gay guys won. I would say. the retards suck ass and the gay guys are winning, I would say. The gay guys win!
The gay guys won.
I would say.
Really, no question.
No fucking question.
Yeah, you guys lost to gay guys.
How about that?
Boo, they're gonna kill everybody.
It's like the fucking...
It's like the fucking Watts riots, but instead of Koreans, they're gay.
Well, you just did so
This weird fucking like stand-by-me shit is so gay by the way
We're all going out to the fucking comedy club tonight, dude. You're gay actually
Dude after the show you want to us all go beat our girlfriends together
After the show, do you want us all to go beat our girlfriends together? Goddamn it. I bet the drywall in that house just looks like Swiss cheese.
Oh, God.
Good Lord.
Bet it looks like the Fight Club home. Just leaks everywhere.
His name was fucking retard. Say his name.
I mean, we do have to get out of here, I guess.
We got a heart out!
We had to watch Kevin Nealon try and fuck boomers before the sleigh. Can I say it was very funny to watch your moms walk out
and you guys walk in.
They go, Tony, you told me you were getting molested tonight.
Fucking lied.
Did we meet Kevin?
No.
No, but we are gonna fuck him later yeah we're gonna Eiffel Tower him
at the Four Seasons Kevin looked at us like he could smell shit but he didn't
know where it was I like the guy but fuck him from now on
all right who's whose dad here didn't kill themselves?
I guess I'll ask it that way, right?
We got three hands.
There's three hands.
Yeah, three.
My dad is dead, dude.
Your guys' dads, yeah, I mean, you've never met your fathers.
There's no way.
I guess, because we have time for one more question, right?
One more.
We do have to get out because we're running over time. Yeah, yeah
Oh fuck you guys relax, what's up?
Hold on what's up, buddy?
What's this guy this guy's smiling at me like the clown from spawn right now?
I'm a little scared. I
Don't know what's going on. So I used to sell a lot of weed and I got pistol whipped once.
How'd you? I also, I also, yeah, I also worked at Glenn Danzig and he wears sunglasses inside the entire time that he's working. Yeah! What do you think?
That's pretty cool.
He used to work with Glenn Danzig.
So here's what we learned tonight.
Next time we come to Philly, we're not going to ask the crowd any questions.
And we're going to put glass from here to here.
We have to perform comedy like a guy at 7-Eleven in the hood. We're gonna play
the Phillies game on our iPhone. Guys, thank you so much. Thank you everybody. Thank you
so much. We love you guys. We really appreciate it. We'll be outside in the hall. Come take
a picture. Come buy a poster. Come buy some merch. Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Out in the west Texas town of El Paso I fell in love with a Mexican girl Nighttime would find me in Rosa's Cantina Music would play and Polina would whirl
Blacker than night were the eyes of Polina Wicked and evil while casting a spell
My love was deep for this Mexican maid
I was in love but in vain I could tell
I was in love but in vain I could tell
One night a while young Calmore came in Wild as the West Texas wind