Lovett or Leave It - What a Weekday: Noem More Dead Dogs feat. Maria Bamford
Episode Date: May 7, 2024The incredible Maria Bamford joins us this Tuesday for What A Weekday! This week, Kevin Spacey wants YOU to vote for RFK Jr. We get into the sultry financial details of Trump’s hush money trial. Boe...ing tries to lasso the moon, and Kristi Noem has a ruff time defending her thoughts on dog murder.Grab your tickets for Lovett or Leave It’s weekly live show in Los Angeles. Special guest hosts include: Andy Richter, Larry Wilmore, Matt Rogers, Ian Karmel, Langston Kerman and Guy Branum. Dates & Tickets: https://crooked.com/events/
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Hey, everybody, it's Lovett. Before we get to the show today,
I mentioned this on Pod Save America,
but I also wanted to let you know here,
I am taking a couple weeks off to work on something.
I don't want to say more now,
but I'm very excited to tell you about it when I'm back.
And have no fear, while I'm out,
we've lined up an absolutely bonkers lineup of guest hosts.
Maria Bamford, Andy Richter, Lewis Vartel,
Larry Wilmore, Adam Rippon, Matt Rogers, Ian Carmel,
Langston Kerman, and Guy Branum.
This week, we kick things off with two comedy legends.
We have Maria Bamford on today's show,
and Andy Richter hosting the live show.
Tickets for that show with Andy,
which records on Thursday night, that's two days from now,
are on sale and will go fast.
Get tickets for that show and all of these special shows
at Cricut.com slash events.
And listen, am I worried that they're gonna be too good
and I'll no longer be able to run through the hall
shouting, I am the talent.
I am the only indispensable person.
Yeah, sure.
I am worried about that.
Anyway, see you in a few weeks.
I'll be back for our first tour show
in North Carolina next month.
But without further ado,
onto the show with our very first guest host,
the incredible, the legendary,
the one and only Maria Bamford.
Avid listener of the show, Becky,
it's the Indiana primary today,
and she seems to be working the polls.
And she posted that she didn't know
that they make the poll workers say,
hear ye, hear ye, the polls are open.
And I think make might be a strong word,
having worked the polls in New Jersey before and having never heard that. I think make might be a strong word, having worked the polls in
New Jersey before, and having never heard that. I think that might be an Indiana thing.
And I'm wondering if anyone else has worked the polls and ever heard that.
How weirdly specific and archaic.
Hear ye, hear ye.
I think the Renaissance fair is also going on right now.
It is. Yeah. So many of my friends were at that this weekend.
And I do feel like there's a heavy crossover
between red fair goers and people who
do genuinely care about voting.
I feel like that seems right.
Yeah.
Did the people opening the polls also
have a little flask of whiskey between their breasts?
Ooh, no, but that's a great addition.
That would get people out there.
That would get volunteers. Yeah. I think this is an
overlooked voter like outreach program. It's just like set up booths at Ren Fairs. Yes,
it's historically inaccurate, but yeah, tap into that market. We should be doing that.
Turkey legs for all. Hi, I'm Maria Bamford.
I'm the guest host of Love It or Leave It.
What a weekday!
Thank you for having me.
Let's get into it. R.F.K. Jr. landed an endorsement from a very recognizable name this week, disgraced actor
Kevin Spacey. Spacey tweeted in support of Kennedy's presidential bid, saying,
There's a lot I can learn from this man. When the world turn its back on me, Bobby
leaned in. He's a formidable fighter for justice and a loyal friend that's not afraid to stand up for what he believes." Was that a terrible impersonation?
It's in chills up my spine. I mean, it really did.
I remember when he was doing the, the Chris, every Christmas he would release an ominous
video that we all had to watch for some reason.
Had to. Had to.
It might mean us being still alive. Yeah.
Well, as an advocate for mental health, I'd like to say that crazy is not
a diagnosis. RFK junior is not one of us. I am a certified peer specialist with
the state of California and I can acknowledge though that RFK junior does
have symptoms of spasmodic dysphonia and idiot. It could be both. Okay. You could have both. Right? Both of the things.
It's possible to just be a dumb-dumb and not need meds at all.
All right.
This week, we get into the sexiest part of Donald's hush money trial, the bookkeeping.
I have to say numbers are sexy.
My hubby had a credit score of 550 on our first date.
I asked for his credit score.
But he owned his 95 Saturn outright.
My husband has also invoiced me for butt play, but I billed him back for blogging about it.
Okay.
On Monday, Twitterers got to take a look at the allegedly fake records behind Trump's 34 felony
charges of falsifying records.
Ex-Trump Organization Controller Jeffrey McConney testified about the 12 payments of $35,000
made to Trump's fixer Michael Cohen in the last days of Trump's 2016 presidential campaign.
And I know what you're thinking.
Trump Controller?
No one can control that man.
McConaughey said the money was categorized on Trump org paperwork as Cohen's retainer. However,
Cohen did not have a retainer with the company at the time. But judging by that bottom row, maybe it should have gone to Michael Cohen's Invisalign, honey! Instead, the payments came from one of
Trump's personal bank accounts. Talk about lack of consent. Trump 1099
stormies LLC from his heavy breathing escort. Look, we've all fudged payments for deductions.
My Skechers Snoop Dogg slip-ons don't count as a costume.
And the three canned margaritas I just drank alone aren't research.
Maybe Trump needs a spending plan.
What he needs to do, you set aside a paper envelope and you put in bubble letters on
it in pink, sex worker hush money, and then any time you have an extra dollar, you put
it in the envelope.
The next time you need it, it's there.
Prosecutors allege the money was reimbursement for the cash Cohen paid Stormy Daniels in
exchange for her silence while sleeping with Donald Trump.
On the other hand, that's just natural. You keep quiet about it. Keep it on the
DL. After McConnie finished testifying, Trump appeared to give him two fist pump
gestures as he left the stand. What? I can't believe that's real.
He's kind of physically falling apart, because he's also falling asleep and farting.
I feel like his body's just losing control.
Like, concaving in on itself.
Oh, did he let out a couple of ghosts?
Maria, I wish he'd been here the last two weeks.
He was part of a storm.
Now he's just gesturing wildly.
It's like an Adam Sandler movie in here.
Oh, my God, that's kind of...
I want to say the world wonderful.
I want to say the word wonderful.
I want to say wonderful, but I...
That's so gross and wonderful.
Um, these fist pump gestures could either mean
McConnie met Trump's expectations
or he was experiencing a specific type of tinnitus,
where you occasionally hear the opening bars
of The Village People's YMCA.
Also on Monday, Judge Juan Marchand
found Trump in contempt for the 10th time
for violating his gag order.
Threatening, threatening.
The former president with jail time, if he continue.
You do that just an 11th more time.
Don't dang you. Can we literally gag him at this point or half storm me?
Do it because she's the only professional in this courtroom.
Said Judge Merchan.
Mr. Trump, it's important you...
Does my...
This sounds a lot like my other impersonation of a man.
Mr. Trump, it's important you understand the last thing I want you to do is put you in
jail.
Really?
Why would that be the last thing?
Isn't that, I mean, don't you as a judge kind of want to have or be kind of not on the
fence about putting someone in jail at the very least?
You are the former president of the United States and possibly the next president as
well.
Oh my god, in fact don't remind me, you said everyone in the next president as well. Oh my god, fact don't remind me.
He said everyone in the courtroom in a chorus.
The judge fined Trump $1,000, adding to his previous fines of $9,000, a grand for each
violation.
There goes the spray tan budget.
It's a good thing he gets the 10th visit free.
That's right.
Grotus.
That's how it works.
Outside, in what we hope is a bit of viral marketing, several people in masks from the
home invasion horror movie, the strangers stood staring at the courthouse.
Yeah, sort of an assembly of terrifying masked individuals.
It kind of evokes the viral marketing that they were doing for that movie, Smile, a few
years ago, if you remember that.
Oh, right.
Where people were cruelly smiling at baseball games, basically sitting behind the home plate.
Oh my God, that's terrifying.
They found a way to make this all more unsettling.
Yeah, not great, not a great development.
I think we could all agree.
This is clearly political commentary.
I think they're referencing how Trump sat on his hand
before putting it into the Bible to be sworn in.
I don't know the reference to this putting.
No, we did talk about this.
We did talk about this.
And we did make a decision together to put this joke in.
And I was very honored.
I didn't write it, it's not my joke.
No, you sit on your sleeping hand.
This is a millennial.
You sit on your hand, that's fine.
You sit on your normal hand,
and it falls asleep when you sit on it.
Yeah.
And then you masturbate with it.
You masturbate with it,
because you don't know what your hand is doing.
Your right hand doesn't know what your left hand is doing.
Has anyone read the Bible?
Okay.
We're putting it on the Bible to be sworn in.
Okay, the FAA, I'm going to move on.
The FAA opened a new investigation into Boeing this week after the company admitted to employees
that it might not have completed inspections on certain Boeing 787 Dreamliners.
The offending planes will be rebranded as Screamliners.
Meanwhile, Boeing's Starliner space capsule was set to be launched Monday night, the program's
first launch carrying human pilots.
I'm sorry, they're letting who send what where and caring what.
So sorry if you're sick of hearing about challengers lately, but I believe we have another challenger
on the way.
She's exited.
That's not good.
However, the launch was called off due to a stuck valve.
Am I right? The Starliner program has dealt with a
number of problems on its journey into orbit, including a 2019 attempt that
failed after a clock was set to the wrong time and caused the engine
thruster to ignite too early. But they ignited it at exactly the right time if
you live in Cupertino. To the Boeing Starliner, you got this,
Diva. Everyone suffers from imposter syndrome every now and then.
Don't let anyone tell you you aren't an aircraft safe for
human passenger or that you don't have the right bolts,
that you don't have to go to school for that.
This week's manned launch was initially scheduled
for last year, but was scuttled after it was discovered
that tape used to wrap hundreds of feet of wiring
was flammable, in addition to the craft's parachute lines
being weaker than expected.
What's the hurry to leave Earth?
Is there something I should know about, guys?
Oh, Maria, I'm sorry.
This is where you find out it's all bad.
It's all bad down here.
Would you rather at this point get in a spacecraft manufactured by Boeing
or a spacecraft manufactured by SpaceX?
SpaceX.
SpaceX has had manned launches that actually did work.
And honestly, God, when we were writing this, I was like, boy,
I feel bad that making you talk about the news.
And it seems to be worse when this shuttle explodes,
and then they literally stopped it
because it had a malfunction.
Like, it... Listen, I don't want to get sued by Boeing,
but something is bad wrong over there.
It's not something you really want to leave up to chance
in any way.
I say we let the...
I believe it's a worker-owned company, Southwest,
uh, get in on this. Give them a shot. it's a worker-owned company, Southwest, get in on this.
Give them a shot.
Wait, Southwest worker-owned?
No, it's not.
Oh, okay.
Wouldn't that be a lovely way?
Wouldn't that be wonderful though?
It should be.
It should be and then it could also make stops on the way to space.
All right.
All right.
Hey, don't go anywhere.
There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.
Bernie Sanders announced he'll be seeking a fourth term this week.
In his announcement video, 82-year-old Vermont Senator railed against pharmaceutical companies, called for global cuts to carbon emissions, and demanded the nation codify Roe versus Wade.
I'm half his age. Am I half his age? No, I'm very close to his age. And I'm exhausted.
Just getting through this monologue. So good for him. Give him hell, Bernie.
Bernie also said of Trump versus Biden.
This 2024 election is the most consequential election in our
lifetimes. Will the United States continue to even function as a
democracy? Or will we move to an authoritarian form of government?
His skin is glowing.
He looks great.
He does.
The extremely old and infirm are now taking her jobs.
I say we build a curb.
Over the weekend, Kristi Noem defended shooting her baby puppy cricket, as described in the
South Dakota governor's new memoir, The Lady Just Killed Dogs Too Much.
While a guest on CBS's Face the Nation, Gnome declared that it is President Biden's dog
commander who should be put down.
Joe Biden's dog has attacked 24 secret service people.
So how many people is enough people to be attacked and dangerously hurt before you make a decision on a dog and what to do with it?
Well, he's not living at the White House anymore.
That's the question that the president should be held accountable to.
Never not surprising that her full glam is the full glam of a New Jersey housewife. It's never not shocking.
Oh, I'm going to get, when I get my face left, that's what it's going to look like. You're going to be a face that it's gonna rip off my head. Like, that's what I want. That, like, her face is gone.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, there are no remnants
of what personality was once there.
Oh, I hope she's okay,
otherwise someone will have to take her out back.
What?
It'd save everyone time if instead of doing it this way,
Gnome just listed the dog she
doesn't want to shoot.
Noam's memoir itself takes a shot at Commander Biden, who has famously bitten over two dozen
Secret Service members, joking about what she'd do if she made it to the White House
and the German shepherd was on the premises.
Sorry, two dozen.
Two dozen. Commander has taken down more secret service agents than
Blow and the Night of Gambling at a Taxby Expense Lounge. Am I right? Come on, anybody
here is here at Laughlin Casino that I'm playing at in my mind. This is proof that the book
is not good, as there are full chapters about the dog she wants to kill the most.
Snoopy.
Now, she did not mention Snoopy.
She had a couple of books.
That's for the sequel.
That's for the sequel, right.
Gnome wrote in her book, Commander, Say Hello to Cricket.
This is from her one-woman show titled, Governor Scarface, but for dogs. Kudos to whoever in Gnome's circle, Triple Dog dared her with this one.
She has taken it quite literally and my hat is off to you, good sir or ma'am.
When asked about the story Monday, White House Press Secretary Corrine Jean-Pierre told reporters,
Here, this is a country that loves dogs.
And you have a leader talking about putting dogs down, killing them.
And that's a disturbing statement to say.
I would say to her is she probably should stop digging herself in a hole.
And start digging holes for all the dogs she plans on killing. Oh. NOM vowed to hunt down and kill over 40,000 dogs this year, which is the average number
of Americans killed per year by guns because guns don't kill people.
Women kill dogs.
On Monday, President Biden placed a call to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu
to discuss, in part, efforts to secure a hostage deal. President Biden placed a call to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to
discuss in part efforts to secure a hostage deal. This is why a phone call
is so important. Texting it's it's really hard to know tone. You need to use
punctuation or an emoji when you're talking to someone older. I live in Los
Angeles of course and the dog park is a place where often the topic of war comes up.
And yeah, it's hard to know where people stand because it's a hot issue.
So you think you know how people are oriented, you know, by how they name their dog.
Is your dog Goldie for Golda-my-year or is it, you know, it's hard to know where people
stand.
Yeah, just to find yourself having the most intense conversations of human history.
Like, these are like existential questions and it's like,
so what's your, what's your Weeder dog's name?
Like, oh, I like his little handkerchief.
And then to immediately get into it, it is so hard.
I feel like that's, you know,
like everyone is experiencing that.
I don't even have a dog.
And I'm feeling about that dog park.
Personally, I choose my conversations at the dog park
based on how many black people your dog has barked at. There you go.
Maria.
Muffin, uh, Muffin mostly barks just at bigger dogs.
OK.
That's great.
So, um, yeah.
As far as I know, um, she's, she's a really good girl.
Mm-hmm.
She wouldn't tell you, of course, I'm sure.
Yeah, she's a really good girl. She wouldn't tell you, of course, I'm sure. Yeah, she's a really good girl.
She has five dresses.
And they were not all, some of them were gifts.
Well, the one thing I do know about the dog park that we have, it's that it's illegal
and there are no fences.
So wait a minute.
Hmm.
It sounds like it's someone's yard or something.
Yeah, no.
It's using a backyard.
The sheriff stops by and says, hey, you got a leash up.
I don't know if that's a metaphor for human rights everywhere.
But...
Almost certainly not.
I do love that the sheriff is showing up to your dog park, yet the lights were out at
one of the most dangerous intersections in North Hollywood this morning and there wasn't
a cop to be found.
That's not their priority? When I first moved here there was a car just stuck in an intersection for three days.
I was like, what? LA is a different kind of place. Yeah. Which intersection? I'm sorry, say more.
I'm trying to remember which one it was. Damn. I'm really sorry. I'm bad at everything. I always
ask this someone who basically does not drive. I don't drive, yeah.
That's not like, you know that one where it's down there
and you're that.
That one big one.
Nearby Waxer, like I'm just like,
it's not Silver Lake but it's like not too far away.
Yeah, I know, sorry, I got it.
I'm in unincorporated Los Angeles, I'm in Altadena.
So that's where we have the sheriff.
Otherwise, no, the LAPD does not show up
unless of course you're mentally ill
and you're wielding a
screwdriver.
Then they would like to shoot you in the head.
That's sorry.
Was that too dark?
No, I don't know anymore.
I mean, considering what we talked about, I mean, this is just the news.
We can news just horror after horror.
I think there's value in acknowledging that.
Yeah, okay.
It's true.
It's true. My husband and I, we give 11% of our income to charity,
which is one, I don't wanna get in a fight about this,
but it is 1% better than Christians or Jews.
I agree with that.
All right.
Just saying, we're getting into all the afterlives.
There you go.
That's what it's based on.
So we've given it all to Doctors Without Borders.
But then I was like, well, you know, is that good?
You know, it's like, you deep dive on anything,
and it's like, well, the thing is with Doctors Without Borders
is that they're French.
And what does that mean?
I don't know.
Médecine Francaise.
Yeah.
Everyone is exactly where you're at right now.
And Kendra, Chris? That's why I only donate to figure skating charities.
All right, okay, all right.
Well, now this is something I've said before, is that I know actors sometimes get into politics,
but comedians often have very interesting premises of ways to deescalate conflict. I once heard a guy at a Go Bananas
in Cincinnati suggest that we send in a marching band into the Middle East. That the purposefulness
and positivity of a high school marching band might really just, you know, take people out
of their mindset for a second. So, um...
I think there's something to that. I think part of the reason people are mad
at college protesters is that they're not broken
and bitter yet.
So they have a theater kid marching band energy.
They're like, can you believe this?
It's like, well, yeah, they're 18.
Like, they don't know yet.
Like, not like they don't know, but it's like,
well, yeah, like, let's celebrate that enthusiasm
or like that optimism.
Like, what else are we gonna do?
You know? Yeah, and I could protest.
My first protest was the Gulf War,
where I unfortunately put on my face
what I thought was a peace sign.
It turned out to be a Mercedes-Benz logo.
It really does represent what I...
I do love luxury goods, and I don't mind that.
But yeah, have any of you gone to the protests
that have been on the college campuses?
I've been to the colleges.
I went to a couple earlier this year.
And I just wanna say, it is the Mercedes-Benz logo
or P-side and that kinda is the decision we're all facing.
Right, unfortunately.
That actually is 100%, yeah. What we're all facing. Right. That actually is 100%.
Yeah.
What we're all talking about.
Yeah.
It's been less protest for me.
I think like one of the most valuable things that I've been able to do is like not donating
necessarily to charities, like large scale charities, but doing a lot of mutual aid
and direct aid.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, I fucked up.
Hey, there's still plenty of time, unfortunately.
Unfortunately.
The world's not getting any better.
There's plenty of time to try and help.
Has a war ever been sponsored commercially?
I mean, maybe not blatantly, but.
Yeah, certainly.
There are certainly brands, I will say,
that had a name made for themselves in World War II,
unfortunately. Right. Speaking of Boeing, I will say, that had a name made for themselves in World War II, unfortunately.
Right.
Speaking of Boeing, I mean, Biden just stopped a shipment of Boeing weapons and it's like,
yep, then I will get on a Boeing plane and have it explode in the sky.
When they're not there sponsoring it overtly, I suppose, is, aren't they, I guess?
Yeah, Coco Chanel, Hugo Boss, Mercedes, they're all, like, very connected to me, to Germany.
And you had that painted on your face, Maria.
It's like, wow, okay.
What does she love?
Well, well, well.
I was fly delta,
but I'm sure there's something bad about that.
Um...
I'm, uh...
My mother told me that was important to have brand loyalty, which is...
I'm a Hilton Diamond member, I get it.
Really?
Oh my god, you're a Diamond member.
That means you get Swedish fish when you check in.
And a warm cookie at some of them.
Oh, yeah, no, DoubleTree.
Yup.
Come on.
But something, I've got to say, the DoubleTree cookie
has gotten smaller.
Oh.
And this is the kind of thing that's keeping me
from acting on a grassroots level politically.
All right.
We're going to figure this out.
OK.
And finally, Nicolas Cage and FKA Twigs are set to star in a horror movie about the
childhood of Jesus Christ.
And personally, I think they nailed the casting.
As we all know, Christ is claimed as a character in the Christian, Muslim, and Jewish franchises
in Jerusalem, so there should be no problem with the copyrights.
They're calling the movie Jesus Christ Spooky Star.
Jesus Christ Spooky Star.
Great ending, great ending, great ending.
Maria, this was such a treat.
We really appreciate it.
Thank you so much.
Thank you for coming.
I love to be a part of the process.
We're in love with you.
I love you.
I love podcasts.
I love the democratic process, no matter how flawed.
Um, I am voting.
That's been what a weekday.
I'm Ray Bamford. Thanks for having me.
See you sluts on Saturday.
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