Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 484 - Bad Boyz 4 Lyfe (feat. Dan Soder)
Episode Date: March 5, 2024WATCH DAN'S NEW SPECIAL 'ON THE ROAD' NOW ON YOUTUBE @ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Lik3hSyhrY Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See... Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Dan Live @ https://www.dansoder.com/ Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch YO. We're back. A little early this week. Keeping you on your toes. nbd. The Big Kahuna is back in tejas. And guess what ... we're also blessed by Saint Sodies the patron saint of good bros. Daniel Sodder. Mashallah. You must watch his new comedy special. Please enjoy. God Bless. Go to https://auraframes.com/mssp and get up to $60 off today. Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co promo code DRENCHED This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/MSSP and get on your way to being your best self.
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Discussion (0)
Wow
La Mer
Mayor directing from this high stool. I thought we're gonna have a free La Mer episode
But he's in his yeah, he's in his director's chair right now. He's not he's not on the mic. He's got a little grape soda
Dude his soda habits crazy right now. He's a grape soda right now
He always has this type of soda. I've never heard of it too. He does he does from a brand. What's that? What is that?
It's a Fitz green grape soda.
I wanted to try a new brand.
That was so close to just going nuts.
So the bottle, it would have hit the bottom.
I would have blown off the top.
All right.
Well, that's what the marriage up to.
We're here live with Danny Soty's.
Danny Soty's alert.
Austin hang. Yes. Beautiful. Danny Soty's alert. Austin Hang.
Yes.
Beautiful home.
Congratulations on your special.
It's very, very good.
Thanks, dude.
Elite.
I appreciate it.
It took me long enough to put something on YouTube.
It was my fault.
I finally did it.
I was like, oh fuck.
This is what happens when you give something
that you could share.
Yeah.
But yeah, it was great.
Yeah, I'm gonna check it out tonight.
I apologize. I've been remiss. So I haven't made eye contact with you yet. I'm
dead serious. Check it out. We got it. We got it immediately with Xbox. Yeah, of
course. Fusion frenzy. I mean, I missed my ex. I'm just fucking fired, dude. I miss
my Xbox so much. Do you miss like a family? I missed it so much. I'm just playing. I
didn't go on. No, that's the only. I missed it. Hell. That was my first time
logging on and over two weeks. What?
Yeah. Was that the thing you were the most when you got home, like your bed or
your Xbox? Bed was fucking nice. Yeah, true. Bed was nice. Two weeks gone when
you come back for your bed. Oh, two weeks in the same hotel in New York. That was.
Were you gonna cleaned every day?
Not towards the end.
Yeah.
The last five days there.
Don't get it cleaned, yeah.
I try to go too shameful.
I love when you catch the maid in the hallway
and you go, don't worry about me, you take a break.
And you know what?
You got a tough Wednesday.
Yeah.
Skip 226.
You don't need to worry about all that cum.
Yeah, true.
There's a lot of it today.
Yeah.
I've been jacking off in this room for two straight weeks.
They must have.
They must have.
Like homicide detectives.
They must have.
Oh, yeah.
Shit that they've seen.
How many of those, how many housekeepers
do you think walk-in dudes be like, hey,
look at their dicks out?
Probably, I mean, they walk in on every dude who just thought about it.
Anyway.
Yeah.
Every dude's thinking about it.
So at least 15%, 10% or who pulls the trigger on that one out of 10 guys.
Let's see if this works.
I did it as a joke when I was really young, when I was really little.
I called up from room service and was like, you can put it right over there
and lay to my boxers.
How little.
I was like, that's put her right over there and lay to my boxers. How little. I was like, yeah, that's so funny.
He's here.
I swear to God.
I swear to God.
I think about it all the time.
It's funny.
It's a constant.
One of those jokes that you were like, I wish I hadn't done this as soon as it happened.
Yeah, pretty quick.
Yeah.
Pretty.
And I had my two friends were like hiding so I couldn't like bail.
So I had to be like, oh, yeah, I was like super nervous.
I felt bad.
But she's just completely apathetic. Yeah, dude. Okay. Yeah apathy was crows
Didn't even smirk. She was just kind of like
But my I ordered like apple juice. She's put it down. No
Your friends like yeah
That's crazy
A lot of people kill themselves in hotels
That happens a lot. Yeah, my brother was saying his friends dad you stone hotel and he was saying like it's constant suicide
Yeah, because you think you don't want to ruin your house
Yeah, you're giving your house to somebody exactly you want to be like I and my uncle who on the place did himself in in the guest room. They should be able to like sue your estate for that. Yeah. Like an Uber fee. Yeah. Uber clean fee. I think it's fine. I think it's a smoking
fee. That's why the smoking fee is so high in case you kill yourself.
Yeah, they are 250 so I would end it if I were you. He said they wait, they flip them
real quick too. It's just like boom in and out someone else asleep in that bed
The next day, you know you jacking off in a room where dude just killed himself deathbed if you killed yourself
And you were stuck in the realm
Right. Yeah, and then you're just like oh no
I didn't know him too tough when I'm gonna be stuck and then you just look over and a guy comes in
He's like you got a witness for free charity all dude jacking off
You're just stuck at a radison.
Every once in a while, you get a babe in there, which is nice.
But then she doesn't masturbate.
She just cries and then you feel weird.
Yeah, I like that though, too.
You go, you know what?
Stuck in the realm.
You're just Patrick's way from ghosts trying to hug her.
Oh, it's OK.
Just try to change the channel.
That's your way.
You're trying to get your power on.
You get stuck watching girl TV for eternity
or you're like praying for a guy to just hear
Mario Lopez every day of eternity.
Yeah, I was waking up to that a lot.
It's crazy.
Yeah.
Who, Pez?
Yeah, every hotel has Pez dispensary.
Oh yeah, hey guys.
Today on Access Hollywood.
You know what, I want to become a gas station TV star.
I know somebody's takeover gas station TV.
You know, I saw, oh, Tank Sinatra.
He's like a guy that, uh, I know that like I follow on Instagram and he does it.
I was pumping gas and he was on there.
And I was like, Hey, I know that guy.
I kind of popped.
I'm not going to lie.
Even more than TV.
I was like, I'm freezing.
I'm freezing.
I'm like, I'm gonna rock.
I'm like, hey, that's my guy.
It's a tight circuit to get on.
Dude, very limited.
Yes.
Hey guys, real quick.
It's like, how do I shut this thing the fuck off?
Oh man.
I'd rather do gas station than back of cabs.
The back of cabs guys.
That seems like it's the lower level.
Yeah, true.
It'd be nice to meet someone who's doing back of cab TV.
And you're meanwhile you're on gas station TV being like, yeah, you'll get there.
You'll get there someday, dude.
I was in the cab circuit for a while.
You're asking about guys, Randy Stoner.
That's sort of a bitch will make you film anything.
He's just trying to talk shop in the cab TV guy.
That'd be nice to get into like strictly commercial acting.
No frills.
Back in the day, a lot of contractors made like money.
Yeah.
Like I don't know what it's like now, but I remember when I
flows rich.
Yeah.
But then again, that's your thing.
Like she's just flow now.
18T girl.
18T girl.
No passion projects.
People probably you could get in like art house films and
just be like get the fuck out of my face
Without bullshit. I just do corporate slogans the saddest one was when Verizon guy switch
Switched up on that was wild. Yeah, that was bullshit. That was that was actually like I didn't like him
Yeah, like it did it did the commercial
Discerned because you snitch ass bitch. Yeah, you were repping your set hard.
Yeah, it's pretty wild.
I wonder what I wonder why he was so dissatisfied, though.
Money. I think they offered him just more.
Definitely, they probably. Bigger bag.
A ton of money. Yeah, true.
Like he was before smartphones.
Then I would say it'd be crazy not to, though.
Because then it's like, no way.
I love her. I'm sure. Yeah, fucking definitely. Yeah, the thing came though. Cause then it's like, no way. I love Verizon.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, fucking definitely.
Yeah, the thing came out though
and everyone was like, fuck that guy.
That was the reaction.
Fucking creator.
Dude.
But you wonder if he pulled his family aside.
That was part of American culture.
We needed the Verizon guy.
You wonder if he pulled his wife aside
and he goes, listen,
I'm gonna bring a lot of heat on us.
Yeah, there's gonna be a lot of heat.
But we're gonna be okay after this.
We can get that farm we want.
One last heist.
That's what it is.
He did it.
He goes, one last sellout.
What do you think would happen if he came back?
Do you think people would cheer him or just be like,
Like LeBron and Cleveland?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they'd get him back.
He comes back to Verizon.
He's getting $100 million.
I got some unfinished business off of data plans.
We'll bring a championship back to Verizon
Please do that. This kid. Yeah, please switch back up. He probably did did he he had to come home
Because they paid him so much money contract. Yeah
They went got a big FA. They went and got a huge free agent.
And then he sunk the organization.
If you get a T-Mobile phone number now,
you can get free Wi-Fi, I think, on all the air planes.
Yeah, Delta does that.
Delta does it. That's a good one.
Oh, yeah. It's good.
By the way, it's better than when you pay for it.
When you pay for it, you can't get videos and shit.
And then T-Mobile's like,
there's some videos up in the air?
Yeah.
You wanna see some sillies? Yeah.
You're like, absolutely.
I can't handle having videos, Wi-Fi on there.
I literally, I just look at Instagram reels
for like manically for three straight hours.
Psychotically.
The feeling after that is one of the worst.
I'm just imagining if somebody saw it.
I watched it.
If somebody else watched what I was doing, just...
You jumped between apps, though. Looking at doing, just. You jump between apps.
Looking at cats.
I frantically switch between apps.
Video to video.
Keep opening them.
Keep opening like fucking crazy.
And then I'll put my phone in the pouch.
Everybody.
For like 30 seconds and I'll go.
It's not crazy though.
Everybody does it.
I watch people.
I do it myself and I'll watch people's phones on flights
and it's like text, quick, Instagram, quick, down. Have you ever taken it off your phone and then gone I do it myself and I'll watch people's phones on flights and it's like text quick Instagram quick down
I've ever taken it off your phone and then gone to do it. Yeah, that is
Like delete the app and then you go to that page and you go like
You're not here anymore
But then you downloaded again and put it right back
Of course, so was like you got to see this. Yeah, you're right. I got to download the app a states for like three years
Yeah, then you realize all these guys in Silicon Valley,
they're like, yeah, we've been doing this to lab rats.
We'll just do this to people now.
They like know how to get that dopamine
out of your part of your brain by going and like,
click, click, there you go.
Yeah, it's got everybody.
Yeah, dude, I'm like really paying attention to it now
where I'm like sitting doing something,
my brain just like, look at your phone.
It's not necessary right now, I was like, check something my brain just like looking at your phone. Yeah. It's not necessary right now.
I was like, check it out.
Or how it's like a little snack.
We were like, oh, look at that.
I was just talking to people phone time.
You know, hotel.
Yeah.
I'm gonna look at my phone so much.
Now I'm really sad.
It's, it's, because you just like take it all in and it's like eating fast.
You're like, yeah.
They say the average person takes in the average or like the
the data the average person takes in as equivalents, like 174 newspapers
per day. That's what they say in terms of like videos, podcasts.
That's a future stat.
Like if you went back to the 60s and you're like in 2024,
everyone's going to read the equivalent of 167 newspapers.
And they're like, wow, they must be so smart.
You're like, they're ripped out.
Yeah.
They're the dumbest people ever.
It's frying them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause it's all like this guy's mad at this guy.
It's all goss.
It's a hot goss.
Dude, also cancel culture has turned its evil eye now.
It's now gay culture.
Meek Mills gay, Sharon Sharpe's gay.
They're just calling everyone.
Sharon Sharpe gay. Oh yeah. Yeah just calling. They're calling. Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Cause he got out in a.
In a sweatshirt.
Oh, he stood up weird.
And they're like, yeah.
There really is the reason he just stood up weird.
And then watch you stand up like that.
Shannon Sharp Hall of Fame tight end.
I'll go and get some more.
They caught me.
Mill and some Capri pants.
Dude, they got a bunch of.
Damning photos.
It wasn't my joke for the record.
Yeah, somebody cool said that.
But by the way, Meek Mill didn't help when he went on Twitter and he did that.
I love pussy.
Dude, I love pussy was the best.
Yes, I am delivered.
That's the one hit the fucking I am delivered.
We know like man.
I love pussy so much.
I love we know.
I do.
I like this new phase of mass psychosis
Where we're all just doing instead of like this guy's a piece of shit
Like he's gay and you have to be like dude for the record. I love pussy you're in your PR team
I speak this guy loves pussy so much. It's ridiculous. He had to prepare a sweet sweet pussy to prepare a pussy statement
He's on the phone with a girl that wants a u-pen and she's like well
He usually what fast as we've noticed what trends is, if you just say you
love pussy,
dude, there's a video of him at backstage of the Sixers game
and he jumps on the trampoline for like the half time trampoline
does like a perfect flip and everyone's like this guy is
fucking gay.
It's crazy.
It's an absolute witch hunt. Although dude, did you read the
court document for the Diddy case? No.
For the day they call him the deadly deadly.
Deadly deadly.
He did.
He did.
He is a perfect name for.
Yeah, he did.
He's great.
When he shifted from.
He should have gone to deadly.
And what was the court document?
Who did he did?
It is.
There's this music producer.
So it's like, apparently, and I, you know, forgive me.
I would, the footage was kind of grainy. I was reading an Uber, but, and I, you know, forgive me. I, the footage
was kind of grainy. I was reading the Uber, but he seemed like a chubbier dude. It was
like this chubby black dude who he brought into like produces album. And the guy, dude,
the court documents like a hundred pages long. Yeah. And apparently he like submitted all
these photos. He was saying like, did he took his phone? It was like taking pictures of stuff.
There's like photo evidence of like, he sent him a Gaporn.
Yeah, allegedly. Everybody knows that. All you have to do in court to get like he said I'm a gay.
Allegedly everybody knows that all you have to do in court to get that dismissed. I was a goof.
You're on this goof. Not.
The goof defense.
He found it was like this.
He's like who's your favorite producer and the guys go this guy and he was
like, oh yeah, check this out. This is a video of that guy fucking white
dude.
Oh, it's graphic.
Dude, you see the picture.
Dude, that is like face buried in the bed. Like, oh, it's graphic. Dude, you see the picture? Dude, that is like face buried in the bed like, oh, it's crazy.
Dude, they did that to us in comedy where you go in and you're like,
who do you like?
And you're like, I think Greg Drald was pretty cool.
And they're like, here's him sucking two dudes.
Come on, man.
You're just in a studio and they're like, come on, dude, I don't need to see that.
I'm trying to create.
Dude, he claims Cuba Gooding Jr.
Grab. Everyone is grabbing his butthole to the whole time.
Who's the one to play?
The producer.
He's just producer.
He's like, dude, did he kept groping my anus
and telling me it's not that crazy to have sex with a man?
That's his. It's all, you know, that's what he said.
But he was like constant.
He was in the studio and did he said it was a slide up on him.
That's sweet ass.
It's so funny.
Take a little bottle.
You could just be being funny.
I know.
I thought about that.
I've done this to so many people.
Because there is nothing.
I grabbed all my friends' dicks every day.
You're going to catch a Rico case.
Every one's dick.
People are going to unite against you.
Fuck.
You go, hey, Shane, I hate to tell you this.
We've got about six plaintiffs in Philadelphia
that's also linked back to Harrisburg
you're gonna get like 10 life sentences for grabbing people's butthole
the idea of him having a serious music producer face like listening to a beat and then puffed
that coming up and they're like let me see that ass scorpion
i got you with that scorpion tail. You have to keep putting on.
Yeah.
So that where it gets fucked up is that like he'll do this fuck with you and then he'll
be like, bro, if you fuck me, I'm going to kill you.
He's like, this guy, this is all he said.
He said, but he claims that he said he said he said he said he told him he was like, if
my mom stood in between what I wanted I would destroy my own mother
He's like what the fuck do you think I would do to you? He said he would eat his face
So I'll eat your fucking face. It was just and then he would send him in the strip clubs
The strip club was called the booby trap
That's great
You know where a bad boy had solicit prostitutes for PT
We're the bad boy. Yes a bad boy had that would signal to the prostitutes like Ditties in town come
through and then like he would like lead them back to the spot.
So he was a new breed striver for Puget.
Yeah.
He just showed up in his little hat and he was like, he's a podpiper for bad boy.
And then P.D.
He was like, I'd fuck my mother if it meant he just keeps talking about his mom or like,
do you have a thing with your mom? You're gonna kill and fuck your mom? Why do you keep doing that?
Why keep bringing her up? Dude apparently did he's also crushing 250 milligram
What did he do that was bad well, so he has a bad reputation this is again coordinated all these people
I have no idea, but they said like he was a notorious date raper with like, like GHB and fucking all this shit.
The guy was claiming that Diddy was giving him GHB.
He like wake up in like a weird Diddy
where'd you kind of like, aww,
with like Diddy just like fucking ladies
and probably touching his butthole for real.
It's so funny to come to
and just a bunch of side kissings happening.
It's crazy.
And you're like, sleepy? She's like, what are you guys doing? And everyone's like. It's crazy. And you're like, sleepy?
She's like, what are you guys doing?
And everyone's like, yeah.
He's like, yeah.
I'll kill you if you move.
And you're like, fuck dude.
Finish my album.
Remember when you used to like sleep over at your friend's
house and they kind of, you had that one friend you did
knows a psycho and they like ran shit like a warden
when you got there.
Like we eat dinner and then we do this.
And you're like, I don't like this rule at all.
But then that guy's controlling your career.
If you were like, I don't want to do that.
It was exactly that.
250 milligram medibol, you're like, oh fuck.
Damn.
Oh my god.
Yeah, they're doing it.
It was like, apparently all of his maids and like the people that were
staffing his house had to keep like fanny patches with like GHB, Coke, Molly,
weed gummies and like they had to keep Diddy high at all times and then they were claiming he was just like
terrorizing people and then like sexually extorting them and then he like didn't pay the guy apparently according to the court document.
That's where they always fuck up.
And Nick Mill was just a byline in that document.
Oh, he caught it straight?
Just caught it absolutely straight where it's like in a Philadelphia rapper who dated Nick Minot.
She's like claiming the people Diddy said he fucked.
And it was just like he just popped up kind of in the document.
Yeah, but also, alright, so Diddy's claiming he fucked all these people, right?
But he's also known to just be walking around on drugs.
So you're like, he's probably making some wild claims.
Yeah.
Mark Curry came out and was basically saying like,
they used to go out at the parties
and he'd have one, Mr. Cooper.
He was literally hanging with Mr. Cooper.
And Mr. Cooper.
He goes, yeah, I always wanted to hang with Mr. Cooper.
Bring him in here.
And so he kept separate bottles.
So like there was bottles that were just for the girls
and everyone knew like, yeah, he like roofies all the chicks.
And then he has a bottle for the boys.
Man, imagine if you came in a hot dog and grab that lady bottle and you're like,
what are we doing, dude?
Oh yeah. He goes, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that.
You're right in the spider's lab.
That's yeah, you fell into Diddy's trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap is so funny.
Dude, it's like 140 pages of nothing but the craziest shit of like sexual black The booty trap. The booty trap. The booty trap. The booty trap. The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap.
The booty trap. The booty trap. The booty trap. The booty trap. The booty trap. hookers now yeah that's a dangerous amount of horn yeah when you're just like all the time you go everyone go can you go pick me up about six or seven hookers
real quick yeah dude would you mind I can go for a six pack of hooks my friends
ladies of the night for me and my friend and you have to take it 250 milligram
edible and lose your mind and just people are fucking around you me on 250
milligrams rice that is a nightmare that is evil dude that's again it's all And just people are fucking around you Rice
That is a nightmare did he's evil dude. That's a core again. It's all
Ever it's vicious when you read I like gave up. I was like 40 pages into it. I was like I gotta stop
I read so much of that document. You're taking off your reading glasses and rubbing the bridge
You know, I can't it's too much
Maybe he did kill Biggie Smalls.
You read the documentary, like he might have.
He sounds like a wild man.
Dude, if he's-
I saw that Joker video and I was like,
all right, he's out.
He's out to launch.
What was the Joker video?
He dressed up like a Joker for Halloween
and was like, he really got into it.
He really got into it.
He got into it too much.
If you're around-
I'm scared to see.
If you're around-
He was like 50 years old. Yeah, if you're around him, you're like, oh, he was good at it.
He was really good at it.
He might be like a nuclear black nerd.
Yeah, I think he's like, that's the true secret
of like how deep his black nerd goes.
I think it goes like all the way to the ground floor.
Remember in the nerds when the guy like turns out he date rapes her.
But he goes, all nerds think about is sex.
After he eats her out pretending to be her boyfriend,
maybe that's what did he is.
Maybe he is just a nerd to his core.
He's so horned up that now he's got drugs and stuff.
Or is it?
True.
I can just have all my nerd boners.
Oh, I went up so many nerd boners.
Who's the scrumptious?
The vicious boners. That's a sweaty nerd boner. I mean, a nerd boners. Oh, I went up so many nerd boners. Who's the scrumptious most vicious boners? I made a nerd boner. I got to
witness a nerd boner in science class in high school. Oh, good.
Kid had to give a presentation. Oh, no. This is one of the best
things I've ever seen. Like, it's your turn. He was like, I
can't. And they're like, did you do it or not? And he's like,
please don't make me Oh no!
The teacher was like get up here what are you doing?
Are you a boner?
Rock hard
Oh my god
And he was in the nerd he didn't know how to talk
Kaki's dude
Oh
He was in Catholic school he was wearing khakis and a sweater vest
He was the hardest fuck?
The hardest boner you've ever seen
And he had like a growth he was small was small. He was a small man. Yeah
He was a little tiny guy with a giant cock
And he stood there was just like
Did the teacher notice
Yes
But he was he was up there for a minute. We'll see you in about five to seven
Intimidatingly big boner in khaki pants and this little tiny guy that was so embarrassed of me like I'm sorry
That boners locked in front of the class where she goes
Whatever his name is. Yeah, cause of me. He's like
No, this can't be happening. Yeah. Oh
Give me a second go up. Oh my god, especially if he had talked he didn't have enough friends to know the talk What if it's what if you talked in the breach? I've breached. Oh, you guys have peekaboo. Yeah, just locked this monster
Breach. I've breached. Oh, you guys have peekaboo. Yeah. Just Loch Ness Monster. Yeah.
Yeah. When you see the underside of the fire helmet.
Yeah. Washington and his wig.
Same helmet.
Yeah. When you see the split, the penal split.
We got our own V. We do run under the head.
True that. But dude, if you put it under there and was like,
but if you if you got caught,
that's what I'm saying. That thing would have passed the belly bone on that guy.
Yeah.
That would look like a puppet.
It would have been crazy.
It could have been an elbow down.
Sticking out.
Like it.
Yeah.
Like at a swim up bar.
It would have had an elbow down on the bar.
This kickstands.
Damn, that's crazy.
Yeah.
You definitely do.
Can you track that man?
Cause I want to know if he went on to great success
or a life of villainy like Diddy.
True.
He was such a sweet boy.
With a huge hog.
Yeah.
With a cock of gold.
It's probably some angel just milking it now.
He'll be like, it's over.
Forget it.
It's over.
Just get him two-headed, hand-dried.
I was like, don't worry about it.
Yeah, do you double cranks?
And then making him give presentations
so he gets hard like that's his kink now.
He's got to go do book reports for her.
And he's like, I can't just stand up.
He's like, oh God.
God, you drive me wild.
Dude, I walked into a horror scene
on an airplane bathroom.
Basically, nothing to do with boners.
It's the opposite of a young lady getting her period and she didn't lock the door so I like open the
door Jesus and I just hear now I was like slamming shut and the
absurdist just instinctively just like staring at me like what the fuck are you
doing and I was like he wasn't locked ice and you like oh she's like that's not
your fault don't worry so I was like alright nice went back to my seat I'm
like I'm not gonna stand here so I said but I didn't fucking pee too so I'm gonna
sit in there in my seat like the one guy was like what was. I'm like, I'm not going to stand here. Yeah, you can't stand. So I said, but I didn't fucking pee too. So I'm going to sit in there in my seat like the one guy was like, what was that?
I'm like, someone is in there. I was like, you can go if you want.
It's fine. Go ahead.
Did you see when you were in there?
It was I didn't know that the person was so young, but I just saw like
just someone hunched over.
Yeah, she's like, I've walked in on people in the bathroom before.
And it's like, would you rather be walked in on or the walk or the person walking in on?
Walking in on walked.
I'd rather be the person walking in.
Yeah.
Then discovered.
I would never want to be discovered.
Discovered is so bad.
Dude, you're a prey.
She go, oh.
Yeah.
Someone's in here.
Walking behind.
Dude, she for real screamed like I had like a butcher knife
and I killed her.
And I didn't know like the period stuff was going on.
I was just kind of like I just literally looked
I was like, oh Jesus Christ. Yeah, just saw somebody like wiping themselves basically. I didn't catch any Jens or anything
I know it was a period thing then so dude, so then I finally it's my so that
So I'm just in there like reading a book like with my peripheral and I see someone just fucking storm out
And it was like they're're there for like 15 minutes
How bad is your pee at this point pretty badly? Yeah, I'm sitting there like all right whatever and all of a sudden
Storm down the aisle. I don't even look but they were thudding like fast walking
Yeah, so then I go in to pee and I'm to fucking there's this huge glob of toilet paper
Just blooded dude, and then it's sticking to the side
So I did I tried to do the favor of piss all over the honor peeing it down
Yeah, wouldn't budge dude. So what the fuck so I hit the flush. It's not flushing. I go. Oh my god
That's you to aligning grab it onto those walls
That thing was grabbing on the side of her walls and now it's that's it thinks it's new home is that
Dude I go out and I tell the lady I'm like the lady who like saw me get discovered basically I was like yo
That wasn't me. I was like I was trying to be discreet being like nothing. She got like her beard in there
It's pretty nasty. It won't flush. Yeah, and I was she was like, okay
We're up in the air you look at those no sky bears. I don't trust any of you frankly. This whole plane could be fucked
Dude, so I was like, I don't know why but I was like, so like what do you get like a stick and like push?
I was just curious
She's like I'll just pour coffee on it. I was like, oh brilliant so then so then I get out
That's a toxic ball of piss
toxic ball of piss, blood and coffee at this point. It was terrible.
It was disgusting.
But then a younger girl comes up, a different lady comes up and then goes to the bathroom,
comes out loudly and goes, ew, someone got their period in there.
And I'm sitting there like, oh my god, this poor fucking lady.
Oh no.
You just hear from back of the building.
Ew.
Dude, it was pretty terrible.
That's a terrible thing for that girl.
It was a horrible experience for this girl. You want to talk, this is, you was pretty terrible. That's a terrible thing for that girl. Oh, it was a horrible experience for this girl.
You wanna talk, this is, you know about this.
This, I was on Bonfire this week.
Speaking of period sticks to push things down.
Bobby and his son, you know this?
No.
Bobby breaks up his son's giant turds
because they're too big.
Dude. He's a dragon slayer. He's 10. Wait, hold on. His son's giant turds because they're too big. And dude? He's a dragon slayer.
He's 10.
Wait, hold on.
His son's 10.
What?
He has to break the poops up?
Yes, I saw photos of these logs.
Oh my God.
His son drops logs.
Like a mine.
That are so big.
What?
That his dad has to come in after him
and break him up with a shit stick.
He has a cleanup crew.
He literally gets done shitting and is like, dad, get in there.
And Bobby Kelly gets up and breaks his son's shit.
With a stick with a fucking stick so that it can flush. Yes.
How fat are the turds?
The turds are fucking massive. You see the pigs? Yes.
Bobby showed me a pic.
Are they speckled like a corn cob? No, it's solid. It's a brick.
It's fucking crazy. His son drops full
Chipotle burrito size.
Oh.
Like a fucking bolt. It's crazy.
But also to be the spotter for it.
And that's, I'm like, Bobby,
your son has to break up his shit.
Yeah.
You can't, that's the weirdest.
There's the fucking weirdest thing ever. What are his own? What are his own? thing I know he dominates his father goes hey dad
My I just discarded all my old
What's the stick though, I don't know what he uses
I mean funny if it was like one of those like free hockey sticks to give out or like one of those baseball bats on like bat day
He goes grab that fucking socks back from when we went
the Fenway.
It's nice to be a samurai.
So he just goes,
Oh yeah.
Bushido code.
Mexico,
take a dump.
I caught you.
Dopa.
I caught you.
Mexico, Mexico,
Mexico,
Mexico,
your dump on to be good for it.
That's crazy to shit. Yeah, it's not going to know satisfying anything. If you're a dump on to be good for it. That's crazy to shit
Yeah, it's not gonna know satisfying anything if you're dropping logs that big cuz you gotta drop along like that you like
Yeah, that's his baseline. That's crazy. I just nobody seems to be as upset as me
You can't you know what it is. Yeah fucking creepy is weirdest thing ever you ever
Cuz you know what I was serious Bobby's like what did
What are you picturing saying it to Phil?
That's why I think of going to a kid's house for a sleepover and him and his dad that is weird tag team
Shits and to flush them that is weird. He tags his dad in the fucking finish the job
He's 10 now 10s old enough 10s old enough to slay your own turrets.
I'm sorry.
Past five.
If you're having dump problems with the piping, you get that.
That should be on you all the whole time.
Personally, you should be embarrassed to take that to your father.
Yeah.
He's I brought that up as well.
And Bobby said he was proud of it.
The big turds.
Yeah.
And then I saw I saw a picture of the turret and I was like, that is something.
Yeah.
I get it.
For a second, you're like, what are you the fucking bear family from the Charmin commercials?
Talking about poop in his open is this fucking people that is I can't get over how weird that is
Yeah, what's weird is I want is fine with it. I want to know what the play call is
I want to know if he's like dad poop or if he goes like yeah yeah break it up. Yeah. We got a breaker. Go breaker. Got a beached whale. Yeah. It looks
like a beach whale. It's dude it lays on the bowl. There is surface from dude. It's a massive
turd. You told me most of his turds breach. Single log breach. It's laying down. It's
a beached whale. It's laying down. It's a beach whale.
It's laying.
You share these.
You just flashing you from his phone.
He showed me it.
I could probably I can.
I got to see it.
Try to get him to send you a picture.
And what he's talking about this publicly.
Yeah, for sure.
It was if it was cleared on the.
I get where he's coming from, coming from breaking him up and like, you know,
once they're 10, you've got a hand.
It's got to be like a ceremony where you'd night him with the shit stick.
Yeah.
Hey, night him. I'm gonna break your turds. Oh, this is all about changing up the guards. They're 10 you got a hand. It's got to be a ceremony where you'd night them with the shit stick
Changing of the guards called me and I didn't call him back. It's gonna be mad at me Oh, thank you with shadow that fucking asshole. He's like
His fucking picture now. Yeah, skinny ass face hot Bobby damn
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Wow.
Yes, sir. That's it.
That's it. We did it.
We did it. Also, please come to Pittsburgh.
I'll be in Pittsburgh and also be in Chicago.
Go to Chicago, please. Go to bavocustry.com.
Yeah, go to ShaneMGillis.com for my tour dates.
One for other places.
La Mer, get in front of the camera if you're going to do it.
Get right here. I need you here.
Hey, everybody. I'm doing my game so few that the Creek of the King of Parch 14. camera if you're gonna do it get right here I need you here hey everybody come
I'm doing my game show for you at the creek in the cake of March 14th please
come through that also March 19th at Capstone ecomica please come there thank
you now it doesn't matter that was a good solidarity I appreciate you thank you
for taking the charge with me
well don't worry yeah I just want to see the third I this is just for my own Thank you for taking the charge with me.
Well, don't worry. Yeah, I just want to see the third.
I this is just for my own personal satisfaction.
Yeah. Hey, you're on you're on our podcast right now.
Well, it's great.
I'm literally in the middle of taking a dump.
You bring that up.
Hi, Bobby.
That's so true.
They were telling me as Shane was telling me a story that he went on bonfire and that you break up Max's giant turds
Yeah, dude, well
It's uh, you know as you you guys none of you guys know this but when you have a kid this
Matt has kids. Okay, you know when you try to teach him how to ride a bike you teach about a throw a ball. He's ten
Hang on now
Let me let me get also. I'm sorry you got a scent of you got a scent of photo one of these because I've been describing
How fucking huge these turrets are?
Well, it's it's the size of an event day Starbucks ice coffee. Yeah.
Now the problem is, is that, you know, he's at that age where it's like, okay, time.
You never know when that thing is where it's like, all right, time to let you tie your
own shoes.
I think double digits is it.
Well, double digits, it's like between is it, is it teen or is it double digits is it? Well, double digits it's like between is it is it teen or is it
Double digits you gotta stop you gotta stop. Yeah now today you have to stop today. It has to be done
Listen, that was that was a moment on the other day
And I when you said it's time I took that home to the family
Dude, I love that you had a poop break up meeting.
Family meeting, guys, we got to talk about breaking up Max's baby arm turds.
Well, I think, but here's the problem, right?
We got to find a way to make the poop smaller.
You can't change what it is, dude.
The kid throws heat.
I think I think there's a way that that he'll grow like he'll poop
more like in the morning and maybe in the afternoon. Oh, you're
saying cut it into two sessions. I'm saying there's a way to make
it smaller. I think the reason why it's so big, you might have
hold it for a day.
Oh, I'm just charging them up. And then it's so big, you might have hold it for a day. Oh, he's charging him up. And then he's gonna come down.
Is it so funny?
Yeah, you kins his poops.
You gotta, don't break the, don't break, you gotta let him keep shitting like that.
It is extraordinary.
He's got the kid as something special.
Yeah.
But you can't, you gotta let it go.
It's his project now.
You can't keep getting involved.
You're Joe Jackson and your son's shit. I did say it on the other day.
I go, listen, bro, you have to start doing this yourself.
This is your, this is your thing.
You're a big boy now.
You know, you want responsibility.
You want to go take your bike around the neighborhood by yourself.
You're going to have to start cutting your own poop.
This sounds like something that farmers say about their dads.
Where they go
You're at the age where yeah, my father told me how to cut my own turd
10 these ten did that's
Also, aren't you concerned that your wife cheated on you with a grizzly bear?
100% a weather be shit thing. It's not a
up his poops. It's 100% a weatherbee shit thing. It's not a Kelly Kelly's have never
Kelly's have perfect poops. I mean, I wake up sip of coffee, take a shit. I take an afternoon poop. I'm good. The fact that this might have resulted in an argument between
Bobby and Don, we go to get family. They got giant assholes. I gave him a bum chin and
and she gave him huge shits.
So well Bobby.
Yeah, the other day I came home yesterday.
He's still shooting.
The other day I came home yesterday and his poop.
I think he cut his own poop.
What?
I think he just comes out with his hands covered in shit.
I don't know how to do it.
I forgot how he taught me.
I was just mushing. I was I was whack a mole in it. I don't know how to do it. I forgot how you taught me. I was just mushing.
I was, I was whack a mole in it.
He grabbed it like a trout.
All right, Bob, I think he did it.
You, you can never do it again.
Please.
I agree with you.
Look, it's hard for me as a dad to take advice from somebody who isn't.
It's shut up.
It's just calm and sense.
It's fucking disgust.
Honestly, I can't believe you're talking about it publicly.
It's crazy.
Well, if I didn't talk about publicly,
I probably would have just kept cutting it.
True.
Oh my God.
And then he's 17 and he has to borrow your car
when you're cutting his shit.
Oh, he's with his wife on the first day.
Honey, can you come here and help me with this? And she has to come in and cut his shit with a coat hanger? It would be a nightmare. shit
What's the stick what stick do you use I use a
I save metal coat hangers and I make them
You're like a boarding them. Yeah, you're giving back alley abortions to your son's shit. I've developed a certain way where you can make it into a shit knife.
First off, you pick him up in the middle and let him break it
half.
How do you do that?
I want you to patent that design.
Shark tank that bad boy.
Are you cutting your kid's shits too late in life?
I'll tell you.
If you bend the coat hanger and you use the little hook,
you bend that back and that's the knife part.
The other part is an ice handle.
And you get a nice cut.
You get a clean cut.
This is.
That's satisfying.
Can you send a pick?
Yeah, can you send a pick please?
I'll send you.
I'll send you the last pick I'll have.
Oh, it grows up.
Put it in the scrapbook.
It's gross that you like you've seen sentimental about it.
Yeah, you really does feel like it's going to end up
in a scrapbook. Yeah. You guys look at like it's gonna end up in a scrapbook.
You guys, look at that.
You know, I have a weak stomach.
It's one of my things in life where it's like I hate this,
so I'm glad that I finally brought up it.
You should have never been a thing in your life.
I want to say thank you, Shane, for being so stern.
I mean, I love you and I care about you,
and that's why this is like, this is fucked up.
It's not that crazy. It's crazy. Why are you talking about up. It's not that it's not that crazy.
It's crazy. What are you talking about? It's not that crazy but it has to stop. It's not that
crazy. It's not that crazy. Some people have these big poops and you don't think you can.
He's fucking 10. 10 is yeah. I understand if he was six. He knows multiplication. Yeah does he does know a multiplication but listen
he's got his tables going you cut your own poop what is that fifth grade yeah
yeah but I think it's over I think we're good and I got a stop
today so I think with the shit the shit problem in the Kelly house.
It's over.
It's come to a conclusion.
The war is over.
Brother, there was three poltergeists.
I would make sure everything has worked out.
I think the war is over, dude.
I'm going to go home.
All right.
Well, send that pic.
Goodbye.
Please send that picture.
I will send it right now.
All right.
Yes.
Thank you. You're the man. Oh man. I can't believe
you guys aren't outraged by this. It's not outrageous. I do get because it is hard to
cut off. I find it absolutely disgusting. It's and I think it's so strange. I don't
have a new imagine your dad cutting your shit. I think no he wouldn't have done it. But I'm
saying I get it though. It's different. Fatherhood is different now. You're way more sensitive.
So you have to be like it's okay
You're shit. So huge son. Let's show you it's probably like fishing
Where you're just probably doing it together. You're just fucking sitting by your life
Fly fishing waiters on you're like your son. Let me show you how to hook this turd
We're shame where's like the like I can't have my dad know I just monster dumps
Yeah, but I would be proud to show off a huge turd like that.
That's kind of like prideful to be a yo, you know what?
You're absolutely correct.
Especially stunting on your old man.
That's like being stronger than your dad.
I forgot how I feel.
I really got more concerned with the opinion than the feeling I have in that situation.
Because when I have one breach, I do want someone to see it.
Yeah. It is.
It's like dunking
The hell is nice and a photo of the turd would be great true. It's a funny photo It's calling your father ages when you see the size of this turd
I won't be able to sleep until I see this thing
But I'm waiting for it to drop. How could you can't can have your dad?
All right, you're not anything different other than it has it's fucking insane. It has to stop
You're right about that. I see how it could get to that point and you just not thinking about it to the call out to your dad
Yeah Dad. Dad. Yeah. Big one. Done it again. It's like under the sink.
It's like, what's up, Max?
He goes, I had a big one.
Remember how we ate protein for lunch?
That's the other thing.
He said he was giving Max like fucking protein.
Ten year olds don't need protein.
Yeah, he's hit him with like protein bars and shit.
He's going upstairs and dropping fucking load.
That will. Yeah.
Yeah. Well, you do your old, try to process adult protein.
He's just like, well, when you have kids, you don't like,
you're naked around them as babies.
And then like, you don't,
there's not like a smooth cutoff of when you can't be naked around them anymore
until one point they're just like, just stare at your dick.
And you're like, yeah, so funny.
Yeah.
Get out of here.
You pervert. Get out of here.
You're a small pervert.
Ew.
Ew, why are you doing that?
Or you hold them while you pee.
It'll be in a situation like I got to pee and I'm holding you.
And then they'll get to the height where they can just kick you in the dick while
you're peeing.
You're like, no.
Shit.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I remember being the kid when that happens.
Yeah.
You're in the shower with like your dad.
And you hope you go.
And you're like, to your senior monster dick. Yeah. When you got. And you're like. Yeah. To your seniors.
Yeah, monster dick.
Yeah, when you see your dad's dog and you go like,
mine was worse, mine was like a little more white trash
because we'd sleep on a pullout couch together
in San Francisco in my grandma's apartment.
And he would, I'd be full jammyed up on one side of the bed,
but he was just an alcoholic that I didn't wear underwear.
So he was getting naked and crawling to bed
and you're like, all right, all right.
And I didn't live with my dad. So I'd only see him and I'm like, dude, all right. Well, that's enough.
You don't think anything about it, though, because it's just like it's like an
afterthought. But he wasn't like molesting me.
No, no, no. He's just going to go into alcoholic sleep because he would be
I'd be in bed like three hours before.
His OP corduroy shorts clanging on the pullout couch mattress It's so fucking funny. My dick Tracy pajamas
My brother used to sleep naked and we shared a room and he would just like yet by the end of the day Like when the morning time the blanket would be off and you just see like his naked ass
It's a big red bush.
Yeah.
A calm man and beezer have been hit with it.
I sleep naked.
And early on the road we'd share hotel rooms.
Yeah.
And he's on the plane.
He's pop off.
I got you with the best one.
Dude, the best one was we went to DC.
We got there early and Shane was like,
we're splitting a hotel room.
Shane's like, naked nap time.
And he got naked and took a nap.
And then we were like, getting ready for the show.
I have ditty, dude. He He is, your comedy ditty.
You freak off.
Fuck.
I didn't know it was something you get in trouble for.
I had to wear an MSS P-hat and go retrieve hookers even though I was headlining.
Robert Kelly accidentally sent it to Dane Conner.
No he did it.
No he did it.
No he did it. No, he did it.
No, he did it.
He sent a picture with Sonster to Dane Cook.
Which Dane has no idea.
Dane just thinks he got a picture of his shit.
Fucking Bobby's shit.
He's bowed his phone in rhyming order.
How did he do that?
No, Shane.
And he probably went like this.
Hey, Siri.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's definitely Dan.
It's Dan. He said Dane. Hey Siri. Oh no, no, no, no, no, it's definitely Dan. It's Dan.
He said, he said Dan.
He met Dan.
Oh here it is.
Oh fuck, that's funny.
God damn dude, that's so funny.
I was fun to think about for a second.
I wish it was.
Take a look.
You taking a look at that turd?
What are we working with?
That is a turd.
Let me see that turd.
I mean that is.
Yeah.
Oh, a ten year old boy. me see that turd. I mean that is. Yeah.
Oh, ten year old boy.
Yo, that's crazy.
That's like a 40 year old on the vegan diet.
I mean, that would be on a carnivore diet.
Are you eating a steak?
Oh, doesn't it give you diarrhea if you do carnivores?
Carnivore gives you harshy kiss turds.
Yeah.
Harshy.
They might really want to be dain cook.
That would have been awesome.
There's three.
Dude, I mean, he awesome. There's three.
He responded with there's three inches that are down the tube to.
I can't see.
I totally noticed that.
I told him.
He iceberged me.
He goes, what you see is actually not the biggest part.
And he knows he cuts them.
Oh my God, dude.
This guy's like a surveyor.
He's got like a surveyor.
Well he's got like a defining rod for shit.
I feel like we shouldn't even be talking about it.
I think it's gonna fuck people.
It's not that embarrassing.
It's not that embarrassing.
It's not the crazy.
It's not that crazy.
Because you're doing gross shit.
You're taking their temperature and their butthole when they're little.
He's 10.
I know.
You know what we're talking about?
I'm like he's 5.
Yeah.
You know what? 10 is so fucking awesome. He brings him a good boy.
Dude, he brings him a good boy.
I got like a head.
Bobby brought up on the legs.
You can't be a year away from your dad breaking up your shit to head.
True.
You need three years.
He needs to not get put.
He needs to like take a vow to not get pussy for a while.
I think this will do it.
I mean, this is going to lock that.
That's going to ruin it forever.
Yeah, if I was 10 years old, dude, imagine five years, if he grows up and then he
goes, wait, hold up.
The number one podcast talked about my dad breaking up my
books and it's just out in space.
And you're like, he did it first.
I know.
Record.
He did it first.
I, it's not that.
I don't think that.
I mean, now that you've got kids or whatever and like a lot of our friends have kids
I think about like this generation of podcasting didn't realize that what we were using for stories and stuff are gonna people growing up and being like
Your episode 432 with the bonfire. Yeah, that's me. I was the one flicking my dick in the pool
I just heard it
But yeah DC I hit him with a nice diddy.
Oh yeah. I hit him with a diddler.
Well, here's what happens. He was taunting me.
Because he got up and he was like, had a towel in front of him
and he was going like this. He's going, uh, naked,
but he didn't realize he pulled it up too high.
So his dick was just hanging out under it.
And it was going like this.
So it looked like, it looked like he was just taunting me. So
Look like he was just talking
Just the most fucking Irish blood The first time I shared a room together one of them close I was taking naked naps every dude. He was like, oh, I go Shane. We're, cause my thing's snoring.
I'd be like, he snoring.
He's like, yeah, snoring sometimes.
I'm like, all right.
And then we get like, I also take naked naps.
We also sleep naked.
And he peeled off and got in and he would just go like this.
Like excited.
Like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like,
I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I was like, I was taking the apps. I also sleep naked. And he peeled off and got in and he would just go like this.
The sheets like excited.
I'll kick in the bed is nice.
It is a good way to handle like the awkwardness of sharing
an adult sharing a hotel room.
Be silly.
Just getting he's showing him your dick right off the bat.
Oh, my God.
It immediately absolves all the tension.
Being a silly boy break up his turn, you know.
Otherwise, it'd be that unspeakable sexual tension.
The entire time.
There's a lot of sexual tension.
This is why Greece's economy's never recovered.
Cause there's just unquestionable sexual tension
between all the men.
My favorite hotel moment with that was,
I was sleeping middle of the night,
me and Beezer were sharing a room
and I just laid on my side
and he was also facing the same.
And I woke up to him staring at him.
We're laying face to face.
And he was like, yeah.
I was like dude, get the fuck out of here.
What the fuck was he doing?
He was just up.
He swatched you.
He was like, yeah.
All right, dude.
I just rolled over to the other side. B's are just going, yeah.
Beezer's guard. Yeah, you look like you were remit hard.
That guy was hitting the funniest fucking snores. Beezer is the number one snore.
I couldn't imagine it was every night.
It was so funny.
Does he go high pitch?
Yeah, he got it.
I can't even describe it.
It's not like it's.
It's I can't even describe it. It's not like it's.
I think the worst one is Tim Dylan was a pretty big snorer.
Bobby, I think I spoke to a hotel room with one time.
He was when he's big, but do we went on a camping trip
and this comic Mike Suarez was there with like everyone.
And it was they used to do it.
It made me angry.
I got a good.
I held it against them the next day.
He was talking Mike Suarez.
He would talk.
I'd be like, what?
Like jailhouse big in a month.
You know, you ruin my sleep last night because it was like it'd go quiet.
He's like, oh, cool.
Then he go. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, that's.
And it's the downtime that kills you.
What do you think you're done?
Because my dad would snore in that fucking bed and I'd hit him.
I'm like, dad, you go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did it the wake up snore
damn it where is it I fucking kill you dude I hate it so much my mom my mom just deals
dude my dad snores the point where you can hear it from like two bedrooms down
Fuck dude for fucking 35 years were ever generation just rocks it out. She'll be a kid and then hope that's what I say It's exactly the exact thing
Connor in a hotel room. Oh my god, it looks like he came back in time. What the fuck? It looks like I'm diddler again. I think I'm making a big hit.
Oh my god. Dude.
Dude, you're up in it.
Dude, oh my god.
4.31 a.m.
I'm gonna start calling you s.gilly.
Bro.
I mean, he looks like a Terminator movie.
He dies.
Like when they come back in time.
He's like laying there with his butt. He's just primarily butt.
Back to the hotel room.
You open the door.
It's just O'Connor ass naked on one of the beds.
On top of the blanket.
It's crazy.
Beezer's putting a case together against you.
Beezer's just like, yeah, it was nonstop.
Nonstop harassment.
I'm doing it.
I'm doing it.
Dude, I'm know it. Yeah.
Dude, all the cases are coming together.
A lawyer's going to approach me and go like, ah, that DC thing.
Yeah, he showed me his dick.
It was fine.
You know what?
It was fine.
They go, you know, there is money.
It's a camp.
You know, there's money in this element for you.
And you go, well, I am working a funny bone.
I have sold this week.
He was uncomfortable.
He did.
I was.
I did think it was a boisterous move.
You liked it.
To go a certain comedian from New York
who's married to Katie Nolan.
And I felt, I love pussy.
I love pussy so much.
I make her show me my plus, a meek mill.
It was completely meek.
Sweet, sweet pussy for me.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry, I dip all my food in pussy.
How many times I got you naked a couple of times.
Oh yeah.
Big time.
You've got me right?
Have you seen me?
I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, I have to have showed you.
I'm pretty sure.
I have to.
Me.
And I'm getting on you directly across the hall.
Yeah, there's a lot of nudity.
Yeah.
If you catch me naked, you're catching me naked like Sasquatch.
You're hot.
I need to see that.
I only seen me for ten years.
I've never seen you naked.
Becky on the cockney side.
You got your side on the side walker.
Side dog.
It is crazy.
It's such a deep secret.
Your nudity.
Like, your nudity is a absolutely...
Women don't get shit.
I had a dream last night about two naked women walking around and I swear to God, I was like,
oh, there's a naked lady in one room going to a naked lady in the other room and I'm
like, I wonder if she'll be cool with this lady being naked.
Woke up hard as a fucking rock.
I feel woke up.
I was like, God damn.
Turns out my thing is moving naked ladies room to room.
That's nice.
My cat was so stiff this morning.
I'm getting some high school bonus.
I'm getting some high school.
You guys been getting bonus? I've been waking up with fucking boners. I've been getting some high school boners lately too.
I've been waking up with fucking intense morning with myself.
Really?
Yeah.
This morning I had to wait in the air.
Something's going on.
That must be, that woke up hard as a fucking nail this morning.
I woke up.
I'm on the,
the truck was coming back.
The boys are,
the men are waking up.
Those are the weather vans.
The masculinity is returned.
That's the weather vane.
He's close.
This morning I woke up, but it was a P boner. So I'm not going to lie to you guys.
It's still counts.
They're still nice.
So yeah, well, it's crazy through a P boner.
Here's the.
Here's the.
Here's the.
Here's the.
Long.
Long.
You're going to lack, but you can fucking do it.
Here's what I want to talk about with a P boner.
It's still a boner.
So you're right.
It rubs up against it.
So you're in the sheets rubbing and you're like, do I got a boner?
And then you wake up and you go, oh, just a pee boner.
It's pee base.
It's pee base.
My penis is filled with pee.
That's why it's hard.
It's just because my wiener's filled with piss.
So it's nothing to do with my desire.
And bring me the presence,
but then I've been waking up recently being like,
what is this, fucking 11th grade?
Oh, yeah dude.
Now you get after it?
Do you get after it with your fucking sweet boo thing?
No, because sometimes she'll have gone to sleep like three hours before.
And I know how hard it is for you to go to sleep.
I go, age me, dad, wake up.
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
Hey, baby.
You know, like four home.
Hey, baby.
Never mind.
Well, now I was going to make more sexual jokes, but I feel like I'm the goddamn
P Didler.
I'm not P Didler, but dude, you're on paper.
I'm the didler.
He's listening.
I got one more.
I got one more night as saying Shangri-La.
So I got to play the rule coming out there.
True.
I'm gonna lock the door tonight.
I'm gonna call Katie and she she's like, you gotta sleep.
You got a long day of travel, Margot.
I can't.
She's like, five AM.
And he was just.
He walked back away.
Who's next?
You're gonna go, hey, you gotta see.
You taking off?
No, I contact.
Just a full glimpse of butthole.
You got to show him butthole just completely. Buttholes too much. Show him buttholes. I got a full glimpse of butthole. You got to show him butthole just completely.
Buttholes too much.
Show him buttholes.
I go online and a butthole.
I come home, La Mer goes, hey, Shane wants to see you.
And there I come in.
It's a quiet place.
It's a quiet place around here.
It's not, dude.
Dude, I plug.
La Mer locks that door in.
Oh, he hides.
It's true.
Yeah, he's in his Will Smith pool house.
Just being like, dude, don't being like dude. Don't come get me
He's ready he installs a motion light
It'd be nice to be went through the pool for no reason to get him to slam your marriage I'll come up out of the walkout. Oh my god. The steps are right at his door
Gator time
Comes the sex gay Yeah, Gator time. Sex Gator.
I had a dream about crocodiles last night, too.
Did you get a boner?
Oh, no, it was before the naked ladies.
I was I had to grab a stone.
My dad was like, go get a big stone.
I want to get it.
And the pond was full of crocodiles.
So I like couldn't get it.
They started chasing me.
Got on the fence and realized I had little rocks on me.
I could throw the crocodiles that they were afraid of.
Pretty.
You remember all that?
Yeah.
You know, he's talking. I of. Pretty. You remember all that? Yeah. Did I always talk to you?
I had a dream.
You remember his dreams?
You remember all of it.
You call.
Yeah.
I made myself a man.
I was like, yeah, that's a dream.
That's a dream.
You go all these rocks.
Like, you know, that it was crazy.
It would be so incredible if you've been lying every single time.
I swear to God.
No, I believe you.
100% way to the broadcast going like, got it.
I think I got a good dream.
I can make another one. Crocodile it. I think I got a good dream. I can make another one.
Crockett.
I'll rocks.
I'm going to do crocodile rocks.
I'm going to bring back.
I'm going to back crocodile rocks.
I did it on Billy.
I didn't do it on shame.
Keep your tab.
Thank you.
I keep them whatever I say.
You have one more.
No, no, no, no, you don't crocodile rocks.
So before I had that dream again, three of them.
You just immediately pivot to reoccurring. I only get tornadoes reoccurring.
Do you really get tornadoes?
Yeah.
Constantly.
I get constantly having to wait tables again.
Really?
Yeah, football to like high school football now.
I get high school football, but maybe a chance to win.
I get like, you want to come back and play.
You sucked, but now you're an adult.
It's also kind of the same thing.
And then usually midway through the dream. I'm like I'm 36. Yeah
Yeah, my mind
I'm waiting the tables when I always get is there like hey, you're on like you're late and you're like
I don't I've worked here in 12 years. They go you got a full section and then you look and it's like
I know half the restaurant, but this new half I've never seen before
And then I wake up and I'm like, Oh, thank God.
Thank fucking God.
Yeah.
Yeah. Stand up.
I get stand up dreams.
I get stand up where I can't remember the set or I ran the light by three hours.
I'll get off stage and people are like, what the fuck was that?
What do you stand up?
Yeah, I don't remember my set.
I usually don't remember my set.
And then the last time the last one I had was like the audience was split
behind two doors and one door, like they weren't looking at me at all.
And the other door were looking, but I couldn't like it was brutal.
They kept opening and shutting.
And I was like, anyway, and I'll like I'll like stall and try to riff.
And it's the worst shit.
Every time. Oh, dude, I have lose momentum nightmares about stand up,
but it'll be like Chris Rock and John Stewart or like they came by to watch your set and then I don't remember my jokes.
And then I feel the momentum in the room.
Leave.
And I feel everyone leave.
But I go like, well, hold up.
I'm not done yet.
It's a bomb.
You're just bombing in front of your heroes.
Oh, it sucks.
And then you wake up and you're mad.
You're like, I suck.
I bombed.
Who opened for me?
Yeah, they stopped.
Who's at the table?
Tim Dillon hit me with one of my favorites.
So he was talking about it's I hope this is funny.
He was in he flies private a lot.
So he's in a plane and he said it was hitting like insane turbulence.
And like in the middle of like him being like alright
This is it. I'm dying. He was with Mike Feeney and Mike Feeney like looked over at Feeney and he was like
I mean, of course they're doing great. They got Trevor Wallace opening for him
I'm gonna die listening to another comedian be like fucking Trevor Wallace is killing it
They clicked on this guy's got millions of views.
And it's just like, just feeling God's shake a plane.
It's going like, I don't know, man. I'm trying to get in a new comedy club.
That's they're pretty good.
I put in, I put it at the cellar on Wednesdays.
I tell her, I get the whole day for it.
She's fucking crash.
As you're plummeting towards the earth.
That is hilarious.
Yeah, especially Fini.
Fini's hilarious for that.
So that's just perfect. Yeah, and then you know
Yeah, everybody's doing it all the time. I'm not diddy
Diddly
And that have I ever did on you? No, no for real
For your button penis
I think it's I think you're cloudy with a chance of Diddy. I think so.
I don't touch your penis too often.
No, I've been smacked in the penis by you under six times.
I don't smack.
Give me a nice grade.
Gentle, let's gentle.
Come on, I would never hurt you.
No, you never hurt.
Yeah.
Give a little.
Don't give a full nod.
I'll lay down here.
I'll go.
You give a...
You see where the horse bit is?
I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. It's Jen. Come on. I would never hurt you. No, you never hurt
I don't touch the marriage penis Joe what may have I touched your penis?
Josh I've never touched your penis.
Okay, straight stop.
Can't stop, won't stop.
Still time.
We keep hanging out.
I'm going to grab your penis.
Josh, that's getting jumped into the gang.
You're running fucking.
That's so fucking.
When you backhand finger rolls your ween.
I thought that's just what guys do.
You guys don't do that?
They do.
They don't touch guys' fetuses?
They do.
You're right.
Guys do touch guys' fetuses.
Yeah.
They do.
And they gooch each other.
Yeah.
I got gooched in college so many times.
Yeah, credit card.
Dude, fucking Joe lists Comedy Central Half Hour
is one of his bits about how I credit carded his ass
at a burger game.
And he was mad at me and I was like, he turned around and I went, ah, so funny.
It's wild when people get angry about it.
He was in basketball shorts too, so it wasn't the clown.
You got in there.
I got in there.
I got a full finger in between the sheets.
I agree.
Some dudes don't fuck around that time.
Dude, you can do things so angry, particularly minorities.
True.
This is a white man's game.
Oh, white.
Fake day is white.
That's why.
He might just be a regular white guy when it comes to the girl.
Maybe did he got so rich he started identifying.
True.
He started to go home.
That's what happens.
You get free time on your hands.
You just sit around and go, I'm going to grab his ass.
Best friend guy.
He was like, I'm going to start grabbing dicks true he's like biggie ain't
here cuz biggie would have been like oh hey puff you can't be grabbing motherfuckers
dick sucker shut up biggie this is funny he goes oh that ain't funny man that's white
gosh shit it is white guy shit I told you when I found out the hardware
Courtney Reynolds shocked me in the dick way Courtney Reynolds Me in the day
Courtney Reynolds I went over to my day. I hit him with the fucking you see where the horse baby
I just touched it lightly
Dude like an uppercut into my balls.
What are my favorite early internet videos?
Went down, it took me 20 minutes to recover.
Did you get a stomach ache?
Yes, I got punched in the nuts.
Do you remember when the kid comes out
of the recycling bin in the wolf mask
and that black is his fucking chest?
It's the same thing.
Yeah, he got me in.
He popped up and the kid was like, pow!
You know the anger that you get
when you get hit in the balls?
Yeah. I wanted to fight, then I had to like gain my composure and
be like, I deserve that.
I touched his dick first.
You have to subtly explain.
It was during a show.
You explain.
I might be did it.
You want to do some time on the show?
There ain't no bucket for guys I can grab.
Oh my god.
You're up.
That is.
Now I feel like I'm sitting like biggie.
Yo, dude, I'm saying it's like my man Shane be saying,
either get your dick out or get the fuck out of the house.
Yo, it's like my man Shane give us always be saying, more dicks, more problems. He's probably putting this one behind a paywall. I The risk is just a fun riff for me and Matt for you. Like just coming back to me. Oh, this was coming back.
People may see you.
Wicked up.
Pawn Wars.
I'll take that one.
That's funny.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Dude, God damn it.
Oh my God.
Penis grabbing scandal.
There's no scandal.
You got to shift this talking about turns. penis grabbing scandal there's no scandal
you gotta shift this talking about turns you know what Bobby's doing weird it means you know credit card and fucking I don't I don't go with the asset
much no it definitely gets you right into awareness if you're lost in your
thoughts at all someone like grabs your penis really quickly like what's going
on you're like I gotta pay attention to, what's going on? You're like, all right, I got to pay attention
to that. What's going on?
That nut tap is diabolical.
Nut taps are fucked up.
That's a mean thing to do to someone.
A nut tap, it's like a towel whip. With the right snap, you could do real damage.
Yeah, true.
Dude, when I was a busboy at Red Robin, we wet the tips of the bus racks and fucking snapped.
Yeah.
This older busser Eli was so good at it, he could take your skin like,
and like,
and like,
and you'd be like,
dude, what the fuck?
Cause it's playful,
but when it gets,
we'd be like,
stop!
And you'd be like,
oh,
and he was older,
and I was like 16,
so you're like walking the back,
and be like,
oh,
actually you're hurt.
Yeah, you're in the dry goods,
you're like,
oh,
hey Dan, we got a six stop to just left you go
Yeah
That'd be nice. I'll be like a four-year-old bus boy and his fucking nail nail guy with two towels
Dip the edges and fuck up. We just like surround them
But when the restaurant was closed, we're like try to bully Eli
We saw one and then he pulled out the other one restaurants close, we're cleaning up and like try to bully Eli. He's like, dark mall. Yeah, he's crazy.
We saw one and then he pulled out the other one.
Yeah.
You know what's kind of nice?
I've been thinking about how you can like, you know, vampires, glamour people,
like looking your eyes, like, I will go here.
You can do that to young employees anywhere you go.
I was getting ice cream recently.
I was getting ice cream recently and they fucked up, they fucked up.
They fucked the water up.
They fucked you.
And like, I forgot, Brittany's got like a strawberry ice cream.
They're like, no one ever ordered a strawberry ice cream.
I looked at him and I was like, just make one, dude.
He was like, okay.
And I was like, just make it, dude.
Cause there's a big, I had to get back in a big line.
He's like, well, you'd have to go there.
And I was like, dude, do it.
Just fucking make it. Just make it, man.. You know what you hit like his common sense nerve
like
Yeah
Like if you that man's capable of any empathy, he was just like yeah
He thought about it. I'm like someone to tell her she doesn't have ice cream. I'm like dude do it
And he was like all right. I just made it. I was like someone to tell her she doesn't have ice cream. I'm like dude do it and he was like all right I just made it. I was like good man
You have to do the hand wave you go. I think it was. He should have jet-at him. Yeah, just make it make the fucking strawberry ice cream
He goes I'll make it my wife wants to tell you. Yeah, I'm gonna tell my wife. She's not getting ice cream
We have ten people get an ice cream. I'll tell her she just can't have it. I'm like, you're right
If that man was an agent of chaos. He'd go no
If he was like absolutely not absolutely
Powers don't work here. Oh dude the line was like 15 people deep too by then I would it would have been and then she was also like Make sure he got everything. I'm like dude. It's fine relax
And then it turned out she's like where's mine? I was like
You got yours. She's like no, they didn't go to strawberry and I looked at him he's like there was no strawberry in the water
and I was like bro don't do this to me brother I was on the edge of the plank
and shark infested water and I went brother have some fucking mercy you
could have just kicked you right off he could have but I clamored him I was like
dude do it I was like for it was just like a cry for help. I was like, I want you to make the ice cream.
You're going to make the ice cream.
He goes, why are you talking like that?
I'll just do it.
Transylvanian access.
He's trying to glam me.
Yeah.
I'm telling you, you're doing it.
I'm so bad.
I'm trying to be a pirate boy.
I'm a pirate boy.
Dude, you're anywhere in the the other ways glam on it works everywhere
In the vampire voice man, they would
La man take it close up La man roll up blunt
I'm gonna grab this glam for beginners
I'm gonna claim this clam for beginners. You gotta do, you gotta do the beginning stuff.
You gotta do what they're gonna do.
Full buffers, dude.
You gotta kind of find your own, you gotta find your stroke.
Tony, clam is nice.
Here's what I'm thinking.
I think we hit a little fusion frenzy for a second,
and then we get into the Patreon.
We got time.
Time for four.
We got time, it's 2.30.
Oh, we're good.
Yeah, we're good to go.
Like four?
Four, four, 15, yeah.
Oh, okay.
We don't have time for friends play friends
Play some friends clean the palette clean the palette
We're gonna switch over the page and on make sure you check out Danny Soder special
I'm gonna fucking cheat called on the road on the road on YouTube
I'm gonna say you like It's so funny that it just gets demonetized. I go, from Amy to me, I got to look at his dick here now
to get back in the algorithm.
That dick showing was funny.
It was funny and I cherish that moment.
Hey, rest easy.
You're not diddy.
Just for the bit.
You got to read the thing.
If you read the thing, it's mean as hell.
He was joking around.
Then get him on the fucking podcast.
Dude, real quick before we go, my friend worked at SROC. He was watching. Then get him on the fucking podcast. She did that before.
Dude, real quick before we go, my friend worked at SROC.
She worked at the company that owns SROC and she would take
meetings with Diddy and he came in with his team to have a vodka
meeting and they're in a boardroom and he's like, it's hot in here
and they turn it down cold and he goes, I'm cold.
And they're like, you said it was hot in here.
He's like, bring me a blanket and they brought him a down
comforter.
His team just had a down comforter with him.
They wrapped it around him in the middle of a meeting.
He just fell asleep.
Like all the time.
All the funniest guy.
All the top Diageo people were going like, so we think plum
vodka's the next way down here's gone.
He's just written stores in the middle of the meeting.
I
Was never there that's just what I'm hearing in the document. I'm not just reading the court papers I'm not gonna say he did that or did it. I don't have no fucking clue
But here's my question. Do we start with sumo or do we do the race? I
Think we go right into sumo. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. The race was I mean you can't come off
Yeah, one of us might pass out if you're right
All right, bye