Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 486 - Seven Parrots (feat. Dave Attell, Ian Fidance, & Tommy Pope)
Episode Date: March 25, 2024WATCH DAVE'S NEW SPECIAL 'HOT CROSSED BUNS' - THURS MARCH 28 on NETFLIX Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Ians Pod @ patreon.com/BeinIanpod Stuff Eye @ patreon.com/stuffisland Go See ...Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Dave Live @ http://daveattell.com/ Go See Ian Live @ https://www.ianfidance.com/ Go See Chris and Tommy Live @ https://www.stuffislandpod.com/ Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch YO. Sorry we're late. The D.A.W.G.Z. had some personal biz to attend to. Forgive us. Big Unc Dave Attell blessed us on this fine Sunday - along with Ian and Tommy. Wow what a great podcast. Please enjoy. God Bless. Talk to you soon!!!!!!! think we're recording again on Weds. Head to ShadyRays.com and use code: DRENCHED for $20 off polarized sunglasses. Support the show & get Lucy Breakers for 20% off & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co promo code DRENCHED This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/MSSP and get on your way to being your best self.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
If you're gonna be nice about it.
No, I might not, dude.
I thought that was the rough and ready podcast
that your generation loves.
No, I don't like the rough.
You don't?
Okay, then let's hear something.
You can rough me up.
You can rough me up to play ball.
Now, whoa, we're gonna do that.
Whoa, we're gonna do that!
You did that.
You did that to me the first time I was ever on it.
Oh yeah, you were awesome.
It fucked me up, dude.
You were awesome.
It literally fucked me up.
Cause I didn't know that was, yeah.
It was like, does he hate me? Dude, that's like, it's like hanging out with you. You were awesome. It literally fucked me up because I didn't know that was yeah
Dude that's I was like hanging out with you me. Yeah, I get it. I'm still thinking of a conversation. We had like 2018
Did I do some oh god
Today was funny. I was like don't fucking come that mean Dave me and Dave will just sit here in silence without the one thing We have in common
Talk to you.
Listen guys, come on.
Yeah, really?
Sorry, no Matt today.
Matt's in Chicago with his family.
Sorry we were late today.
This week, I mean, I was gone.
I had to go home to Mechanicspert.
That must be nice.
Yeah, it was nice.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Do you go home a lot?
I don't, it was every few months.
Now that I'm down Texas way,
I don't get home very often.
But it's all right, every time I go home.
Did the podcast start?
Yeah, this is it.
Oh, okay.
This is it, you're gonna love it.
We just.
Oh, the camera's on.
Hold on, let me put on my glasses.
Come on.
How many times have I seen that this weekend?
Five times.
I've run out of fake laughs.
Oh, I keep doing it.
Wow, Shane, you got a piece.
Dave, not so much.
Oh, extra image.
You can see my tiny penis.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
LaMare has an innie.
To the fans, I have to say,
Shane, I've been waiting to do this podcast,
and I always wanted to do a podcast at a Creighton Barrel.
This is awesome.
You can tell everything in this room
was either bought online or by somebody else.
Yeah, I got it furnished and this is clearly an Airbnb.
It was clearly an Airbnb.
This is like.
Yes, I did move into an Airbnb.
I know your love of modern art.
That's why you're here.
That big? Anyway, dude know your love of modern art. Why? Yeah, big.
Anyway, dude, great seeing you, man.
It's good to see you. Yes.
When do you head back?
I'm going from playing the mothership.
Awesome weekend so far. Great times.
And then I'm heading west coast of Brea, the Brea improv. Nice.
And my special is coming out, I guess, on Tuesday. Right.
Yeah. Hot cross bonds on Netflix. Can't wait to see it.
It's really good dude. Yeah it was there actually.
Yeah I opened it. Yeah I bet it's good.
Awesome. It's like up there with Catamisical Skanks.
My body of work. The two other things.
It fits right in. Yeah why not.
No it's great man.
I'll tell you the worst part is going back out on the road after the special and like how much material you have that's not on the special, the new material and you're working on it as you're, you know, it's like, whatever, poor us, but that's really the job of it.
Yeah, it's very embarrassing.
Sometimes that's a good word for it.
Yeah, it's really humiliating to go out there.
You guys are excited.
Now you're going to see it.
Get ready. Here comes some shit I didn't do last time.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm trying to work on it.
Sometimes they look at the team.
He'll be on stage and he'll go.
He'll do a joke. You go.
It's called New Jokesy and try it.
What the fuck?
I've been there. I did. Now you don't you cock sucker. Yeah,
I do. I go new every set you fucking dick. Well, you know, it's like, and then he does
a joke from five years ago. I'm like, you asshole. Well, but the times have changed.
So the joke has a new meaning. All right, there you go. We'll be right back. So how
do you like living out here, buddy? I like it. I've yeah whenever it feels it feels good flying back here then better to me than it
did flying to New York.
But do you ever miss mechanics Berg?
Yeah, for sure.
Like, I don't know burning a book in front of a close factory or running into a friend
from high school.
What happened buddy?
Yeah, I do miss the Cranesburg.
When we were on Burt's tour and we played,
was it Scranton?
Scranton.
You had two amazing shows.
When I saw you in Queens at the Forest Hills,
you crushed that show.
Thank you very much.
I gotta give it up to Burt,
cause I think Burt and I,
I think he kinda likes the challenge,
but that was quite a challenge.
I mean, you rocked that house.
It was a outdoor venue, right?
Forest Hills was awesome.
And then in Scranton, that was like you could have like run for mayor
after that show. Yeah, I don't think they knew I was on the show.
So that really that was a big surprise.
Yeah. And it was in, you know, and then you turn the water back on in the town.
What can't this guy do?
God, I fucking hate Ian though.
What? I really, I mean, you love me. I do love you. You know, I love me.
Ian is, I'll tell you one thing. Ian is a self starter. This guy is really good,
man. He's always plugging at it, pushing it. And, uh, you know,
you were crushing it this weekend, thanks Steve yeah that's why I
had a five o'clock show no that's okay this is nice so well Ian has a special coming out too right
oh yeah you really oh yeah April 21st Ian Firedance wild happy and free oh man I knew I was gonna
fucking youtube.com slash be any impot yes man great, I'm sure. Ian loves a good promotion.
Am I right?
What's gonna be the launch party like for that?
Nothing.
Just you and your cat?
Yeah, pretty much.
Me and my cat just kissing.
Just clicking, refreshing, seeing the views,
seeing the comments.
Oh, God. Please be nice, please be nice.
For me, I'm gonna just put a plastic bag over my head.
Call it a day.
Stick your head in an oven.
Yeah, well, I'm dead.
You know what's cool?
In his special, in the outro, I'm in it.
And then in the outro of my special, he's in it.
Isn't that nice?
I like that.
That's what that deserves, some awkward silence.
I think, isn't that nice?
You know what, did we ever talk about it at the time,
we were in, I think it was Pittsburgh,
where I kept I kept he kept
On the sound guy. He's like, this is the music I want to come out to it
It was like some hardcore band and then I just kept making him play. It's raining men
Didn't know it was big Wow, he got off stage every show and he was like this sound guys fucking with
It was real big for sellout. And then I'd go out and be like, this fucking asshole.
I was like, yo, what the fuck is up with this sound guy, man? And you're like, you should
go talk to him. And I did. And then you talk to him. Then the next night he did it again. You're like, I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.
Yeah. Wow. That Pittsburgh hip prop.
I have so many good memories there. It's a great place.
I love that place. And I split a weekend with John Lovitz.
He did the early shows and I did the late shows.
And the first show he spent an hour afterwards striking his piano
to get the right spot for the next night.
And they made everyone waiting to see me wait
on the cold. This is the maestro is in there. Yes. So I
was like, I'm going in the green room. I'm saying something.
This is rude. And I walk in, and I'm going to be like, Hey, man,
what what the fuck? And he walks in, he goes, Hello. And I go, I
can't stay. Yeah, you're the best. I go, John. Hey, I'm Ian. And he goes, Hello, I go, I'm a big fan. He goes, hello. And I go, I can't say, yeah, you're the best. I go, John, hey, I'm Ian.
And he goes, hello.
I go, I'm a big fan.
He goes, big fan.
I thought you said your name was Ian.
And I was like, I love you.
And then and then he goes, so I heard you're bisexual.
Does that mean you buy sex?
And I go, yeah.
And it's turned me into a debt sexual.
And he goes, that's good.
And that's a yes. That's all I've ever wanted.
That's good.
How do you know you're bi?
That's getting around, huh?
It's probably the fucking sound guy.
There's probably, yeah,
we got some queer coming in this weekend.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got some New York queer good.
I hate that motherfucker.
Yes. I hate that motherfucker.
Yes, I think he watched my set
because I was running my hour. Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah. Nice.
Yeah. Thank God for that.
That place is great. I love that spot.
Sure, Garrett.
That was a fun weekend we did.
All these clubs are like a blur.
Like when he's at Pittsburgh, I'm probably I'm going to be there.
It's a great club.
But I know it's like that's the one with the train in front of it, right?
It's got like a little rusted choo-choo.
Oh yeah, it's got that huge crane.
We climbed on it, remember?
Yeah. Yeah.
I tried to get you guys on it.
I told you nothing.
How far are they from coffee or CVS?
I don't even remember, everything has a blur in my old mind.
It's actually in the shitty part of town.
There's like a, across the railroad tracks,
it's just a shithole.
I thought it was like, it's like a cross the railroad tracks. It's just a shithole. I thought it was like it's near a park, like one of those scary kind of a lifetime movie parks
where people disappear like a big bar. And then then it's like a long like what it used to be,
I guess like a barge riverboat. Yeah, everything used to have a real meaning,
you know, like a real purpose. Yeah, now none of those now it's just not really walkable.
Well, that's isn't that happening in Austin. There's like a serial killer. Yeah, no, no, no, it does. Now it's just- It's not really walkable. Well, isn't that happening in Austin?
There's like a serial killer on the loose.
Yeah, but he's only killing-
Gays.
No, he's killing straight hot guys.
He's killing straight hot?
Well then I'm fucked.
Yeah, you are.
You better watch out, buddy.
I'm on the list.
Yeah, you better watch out.
No, who's he killing?
Isn't he killing homeless guys or something?
No, I heard he's killing like finance type guys, so he's probably meeting them.
Why did it?
I got it. You don't have to laugh.
You don't have to laugh.
But we were talking about in the cab, I'm talking to him and I asked the cab driver,
go, do you know anything about this serial killer?
He's like, what?
Yeah, no one. Yeah, it was him.
What? What? No, I one. Yeah. What? What?
No, I don't know. What? I could show you some things. Yeah, I
heard about I'm not worried about it. And if he is killing
homeless guys, the whole city is going to turn a blind eye.
That's our Batman. We're gonna let that guy get some vigilante
justice. Shit. They're gonna find evidence just like fucking
kicking to the river.
Yeah, everyone will ignore that issue.
Yeah. So now that you live here, do you get to enjoy sixth street?
I assume you do.
I don't. I don't.
I get I try to avoid it.
Honestly, it's a it's a it's a weird scene down there.
I think you know the fact that like,
the club has that incredible security.
It's got like rings of steel there.
It's like an airport, it's like a fort.
It's a lot of different things.
And then it's just all of that craziness in front of it.
Those guys must be like,
you know, these guys are trained up,
they're professionals.
They're looking at that like,
I wish I could jump in on it. Yeah, that's a mess.
That's fallacious. That's probably fucking flashbacks. It
was so funny. Last night, some or no, the night before Troy
Conrad's was there, you know, yeah, he's like taking pictures.
He's like, I want to get, you know, Dave, I want to do a
portrait in the street, like in the middle of six, right. And
they were Dave is like in the street one of the security guys like
wasn't watching him. He was on a full on sprint. It was like
I'm here. There's like nothing even going on here just like so
military but you got to be ready.
When I used to do that in Sonic Show and I never bring it up.
Oh yeah, like a good example of like, we never had security like
that we were our own security. It's funny in this situation where there's like security on security of like, we never had security like that. We were our own security. But it's funny in this situation
where there's like security on security
and like, you know, code words and like safe spaces
and all that kind of stuff, that these guys like,
when I saw them wandering and putting the phones in the bag,
I'm pro phone in the bag.
I was like, especially after last night.
I'm like, you know what?
I'm like, that is the coolest.
Like, honestly, if that, like,
I know not every club can do it,
but when a club does that, I think the shows are way better.
It's just better.
Everyone's listening.
Everyone's listening, and it's just you as the comic go,
you know what, this is where I can do the joke
that I know is not that great or is not that appropriate.
And it's nice for them because when was the last time
you just sat and enjoyed without being like,
or looking, and it's always funny them because when was the last time you just like sat and enjoyed without being like, yeah,
or like looking and it's always funny to see the cellar when people walk out there.
What fucking time is it? It's like they're walking to a different universe.
Yeah, because they get hit with some long ass shows.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
They are. That's another thing you see is like late shows now, like even one started at 10 o'clock, it's almost too late for people.
Like it's really like people are not used to
staying out late. You know, maybe it's from you know, what
happened? Yeah, lockdowns and everything. But still, you know,
I don't know when that's gonna snap back where people get back
on that kind of like late night thing. But what's because it
hurts comedy closed and stuff. Oh, yeah, that's that's yeah,
everything closes late. Dude, there's like two diners left in
New York City. It sucks.
Well, you should go to the place here in town when you're downtown.
The burger, what is it called?
Oh, Burger Bar.
It's great.
That's been our spot.
Really?
Yeah. You'd like it, man.
Yeah, I like burgers.
Good smash burgers.
And it's open until about two.
I like Casino El Camino.
Oh, really?
You did that on...
Yeah.
Is that still going?
Insomniac. Yeah.
Oh, wow.
It's across from the mothership.
Yeah, we ate... That's a legend. Yeah, that place rules. Yeah. It's across from the Marshall. Yeah, we ate, we ate every place.
That's a legend.
Yeah, that place rules.
Yeah, it's one of the few places on Sixth Street
that doesn't suck.
They have great food here.
It's like a metal bar too, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, I like that.
Yeah, you go on, the first couple of times I was there,
I was like, damn, these bartenders fucking hate me.
No.
Yeah, they're like, metal guys.
Yeah, but Matt, that's the thing about,
here's your beer.
That's the thing about the hardcore community, man.
Now they're cool.
It's accepting.
I've stopped with the hardcore shit.
I don't know why it bothers me.
I like a man called I Hate God.
They're very accepting.
That's what bothers me about all the metal stuff
is they are, they're all like hardcore liberals.
Uh-uh.
Oh really, there's some good guys in there?
The bands?
There's some good guys?
They're fucking, they're on our team.
The bands? They fucking love love it dude. You're
just in a van with your boys on the road just making jokes.
They're allowed to make jokes. Oh yeah, good. But then but then
like on a podcast, they're like, well, I'll be quiet while you
say these things. But they're the best. They're the nicest.
It's fun. Yeah, it's all I went on tour with a band. After I
take my special I just went on the tour bus for like five days. This
band Angel Dust. They're the fucking best.
Why don't you go home? Just go lay down. Stop this bullshit.
I can't. I can't. I gotta stay. What are you chasing?
Traveling man.
Traveling. Fun. It was fun. But it was great. The last show was
in Philly in Brooklyn. It was awesome. Have you ever would
you ever do that? Like go on a tour bus with fucking zero shot?
Really? You've never done a bus tour yet? No, I'm going to a
bus for comedy for my own, but I'm not going on. I'm not
getting done with my tour and get being like I didn't do can
I hop on the bus with you guys? No, just to hang out. I'm
friends with the band. I know that I understand the scenario.
That sounds crazy to me. It was
you wouldn't go do something relaxing. Relaxing. Yeah. I
would like to do that go on a tour bus with a metal band.
They're not metal. They're like what's going on? No, you're not
getting it. Don't you need any alone time? And the answer is
no. When I like being around people. He likes to stage dive and all that stuff.
Curled up on a bunk in a bus with other men.
I guess sobriety helps that.
Yeah.
So you're not as burnt out.
I'd be fucking dead.
How are the hangovers?
Terrible.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, what do you drink?
Just beer, but I drink a lot of-
Oh, that's weird.
I thought you were a shot guy.
No, I don't do any shots.
Not at all?
Try not to, yeah.
What about when people try to get you to drink after shows? Yeah, I don't do any shots. Not at all. Try not to yeah Try to get you to drink after shows
Yeah, I drink
It's not really a tough one I go no I can't tonight and they go come on like all right
That's hard. Just being a beer a beer guy. Yeah, you know, it takes forever. How many how many can you do?
What do you do? I mean on a bad day. Yeah
30 you're like Alice Cooper that was this thing. Yeah. I remember him in full makeup and he's talking
about how we quit drinking, you know, which is not a really
good like, you know, kids, you gotta give this up. He was
trying to be a good guy and he's like, you know, it was just
beer, man, like start the day with, you know, like a wake up
bud. And then, you know, it was like the day would drip on
and you know, whatever on the tour bus and I was like, and
then when did the heroin show up?
And he's like, no, just beer all day.
Okay, so you're kind of like a dad I guess.
I don't know.
You sound like a regular guy.
Yeah, that's weird.
If you ever go to a meeting or something like that,
they don't want to hear that story.
Beers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh yeah, what year is this dude?
Yeah, I had 15 beers on Saturday.
What happened?
Barbecue didn't work.
Not even heavy beer.
Just Bud Light.
All light beers.
No, not never all day, because I was I usually have shows at night.
So I don't drink before shows.
Yeah. No, that's so smart.
But once you're drinking, can you stop?
Yeah.
Oh, that's I wish I had that.
Yeah. Yeah. Most of the time I say, what the fuck? I got to go home. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, that's I wish I had that. Yeah. Yeah.
Most of the time I say, what the fuck?
I got to go home. Oh, yeah.
Well, these towns are good for that man, because it's a early less call like one
day in New York, you know, goes on.
New York is where you really New York, Chicago, those towns, Vegas.
New York never ends.
That's the thing. That's not true.
New York is way not what it used to be.
Yeah, but you can go to a fucking deli and get beers.
Not until you get all that. You got to go. That's it. Yeah, you're right. it used to be. Yeah, but you can go to a fucking deli and get beers. So you can keep drinking.
And then you gotta go.
That's it, yeah, you're right, that's a problem.
Yeah, it's a marathon.
That's not the problem in New York, beer, that's for sure.
No, I'm saying for alcoholics.
Yeah, if people were on beer there,
it would be a great town.
Utopia.
You don't drink a beer and push someone on a subway track.
That's not how it works. She shouldn didn't have that Modelo, your honor.
Sock the fucking Asian lady.
I had a tall boy.
Yeah, sorry.
Too much.
Too much.
Mycola.
My spirit on an Asian woman's head.
Forgive me.
Well, that's good to know.
Hey, and you don't smoke or anything?
No.
Good buddy. Yeah, you you don't smoke or anything? No. Good, buddy. I
Yeah, you're taking care of yourself. Not really. I'm trying basketball hoop by the pool. Yeah, I'm working out
He's all that shot. Mm-hmm. Nice
Yeah, we're getting there. I want to hop in there and slam dunk so bad. Oh, bro. I
Fuck I forgot you're gay. I
Would play it, but you know, you're not my type don't flatter yourself all right
if you were you but also a mashup of La Mer I'd be in me La Mer mashed up it
would be fucking need to be put down the most disgusting creature possible
possible. Put LaMare sweat on me. I've always had a thing for black slimer.
Which we call it Oh, yo, did you ever? Did you ever wrestle in
the pool, Dave?
What are you grooming me?
Yes. The student has become the teacher.
Yes, the student has become the teacher. It's a reverse group thing.
Wrestling a pool.
You gotta wrestle in a pool.
We got guys right now going through barbed wire across the
river. You're talking about wrestling in the pool.
You never did like wrestling moves with your friends in the
pool. That was the best.
No, usually it was like a fun time till somebody actually
shot the pool. That became the rest of the day.
Who did it?
What are we going to do now?
You can't go back in for some reason.
I don't get the reasoning behind that.
They supposedly I remember being in a hotel one time and the pool was closed
and it was like no water in it.
And I go, what happened?
They go, someone had an accident.
We had to actually, you know, empty the pool.
And that's like a big deal when they do that.
And in fact, you would mean Phoenix, right?
When there was the knife fight at the pool and they had to empty the pool as well.
Yeah.
Like it was something happening in Phoenix.
A guy got stabbed.
No, but it was like a playoff too.
It was like a playoff weekend.
So there was a lot of tension, you know, and I guess two different, you know,
something happened, but it was, uh, the security guy asked the guys to leave the pool.
I think that was part of it. They were like too loud or something.
Well, this is because cops showed up walking around with shotguns.
Yes. Dave text me. He goes, there's something happening. Get downstairs.
So I go downstairs and then he turned into fucking inspector gadget.
And he's going around with shotguns as flashlights.
He's going, what happened? What happened? Yeah.
I'm like, shut the fuck up. They're like, the guy may still belights. He's gone. What happened?
They're like the guy may still be loose
We smoking they probably thought I was outside. Yeah
Do you want I remember coming down and you open the the elevator open this guy with shotgun right there So they were trying to like cordon off the hotel
But that was that was another like in a town where you need pools
They're like the pool is closed because of police action. You know, one
time we were in a we did governors in Long Island and some guy pulled out a
gun in the parking lot. Yeah. And we're like in the back and there was like word
that there was a gun. He takes out his tactical flashlight. I was like, don't worry, I'll take care of it. I'm like, rush it. They had to protect my merch.
You had to save the merch with your time.
That will be very, very and like you still have it in your hand, like two for one.
Good. Yeah, one time we.
That's good. There's been some real action on some of these shows.
Yeah. Well, one time we went played laser tag in Ohio and a bunch of kids, a bunch of kids.
Play laser tag. Yeah. Yeah. I thought I was dying of cancer.
I figured, yeah, yeah, we go on a little we go on adventures all the time.
So we're playing laser tag and it was us and like some parents
against a bunch of kids. I had 33 kills and yeah.
And we're in a tunnel and he grabs you goes come with me. I'm
a field medic.
See, that's why you never want to quit drinking because these
are the things you would do laser to Yeah,
I got a good laser tech story I've told before but I want you
to hear it. We went my family. We went to play laser tag and
when we're standing you're standing that like semicircle
around the teenager
that's giving you advice on the directions.
There was a lot of blue lights in there, or black lights,
and it was just jizz all over my dad's,
the front of his jeans.
Oh God.
The front of his jeans was lit up
like fucking you wouldn't believe.
Wow.
And my sister goes, my sister's like, oh my God, dad.
Wow.
You guys, ah, god damn it.
Nice.
And then he proceeded to raise his hand
and ask a question.
He drew more, he didn't give a fucking.
What'd he ask?
He was like, are there satellites worth three?
And also, can you guys see my chin?
I was fucking, I couldn't,
that's the hardest I've ever laughed.
I took a photo, I took a photo of his dick. Do you have it? Are you sure you're recording? Okay. So fucking funny. Phil had it. He creamed his jeans.
to see. I actually I think has a sadder thing. I think he was
pissing a little incontinent. Yeah, I think he had prostate cancer. Oh, no. But we made fun of him and said it was just but
he got over it. Did you check the back of everyone's coats?
Now let's get back to the fun. Let's see this picture of your
life on my desk. Was this in Ben Salem? No, this is in
Lancaster, the sports emporium.
Oh, okay, because I-
They have a laser tag in Amish country?
I don't know.
Hold on, hold on.
My mom took me to-
Shut the fuck up!
Whoa!
Hands in pockets.
That looked like the shoulder of your jacket the other day.
I know, I know.
I love you, Z.
That's a, that's Jizz, dude.
That's not piss. That's not piss. That is
not piss. Wow, dude. Yeah.
Usually it's a father confronting the son about
jerking off. Sports and point my dad's been nothing on his own
pants.
We used to go up to Ben Salem for laser tag out of birthday
party there once. Yeah, it's awesome. Laser tag rules.
Yeah. It's so fun.
Well, when it's good.
Yeah. Not at the shitty place.
Did you ever have that toy at Kmart?
The laser tag toy.
Yeah. It's like you have to go up to your friend and be like, no.
Yeah. We had a good one.
Did you?
A gray pack with the red circle in the middle.
No, I had a knockoff.
Oh, OK. Yeah.
I got it. My mom got it like Cal door or something. Yeah. You know, that's a good had a knockoff. Oh, okay. Yeah, my mom got it at like Cal-door or something.
Yeah.
You know?
That's a good time for all that outdoor stuff too.
Are you into-
You know me.
Shooting, anything like that?
Shooting's fun.
Yeah, that's cool.
Yeah, we do that on the road a lot.
I took Ian out.
Ian is a great shot.
Not when I took him.
I love, well that was the first time.
Yeah.
I've got that.
He's better now.
I took him, the ladies are teaching us how to do it.
He fucking took his gun out of the holster while they're teaching us that it was a mistake
Like I've never seen they he's way better now. He was like, oh
I was like I didn't it was an accident. They were telling they were fuck you they were telling us
What to do and I thought we were supposed to shadow them. So I did what she did and they were like
was a shadow them. So I did what she did. And they were like,
but I beat you in the time that you I mean, what you're saying,
I have video secret fucking weird competitive thing there is like, no, I wasn't racing anybody. I was just shooting. I
was just trying to hit the fucking thing. So we were
racing. I think the I don't know, Chris and Tommy might be
here that I think Ian shoots at a junior high school leto.
That good.
No, but I dude you you got me there and I had so much fun. And
the next time I went back, I like I really really enjoyed it.
He's better. No, you're totally fine. You can come sit down,
hang out. You don't have to. You can come sit down, hang out.
You don't have to. Are you just gonna wait in the foyer?
No, it's okay.
Hey, what's up man, how are you?
Yeah, there's a nice video of me from that day.
Yeah.
How about, oh dude.
Tried to take a shot and the clip just fell out on camera.
That was very embarrassing. I was like.
That was real police academy.
Do we we went in Oklahoma and we're shooting
and the guy took a video and I'm like, pow, pow, pow.
And he pans to tell if he's just playing his recorder
and then he put his whole.
Remember, we were at that one place where the and by the way,
these guys are really professional. They're really
cool. You know, everybody's thinking they're all freaks and
nuts. They're not. And I know the guy who is like that. But
everyone we've been to have been like, super professional, really
like, you know, like, explaining and making sure it's safe. But I
remember we went to one and I was like, there was a young guy behind the counter and I'm like,
who's that?
He goes, that's my son.
And I'm like, I can't wait for this kid to go like,
dad, I got something to tell you.
I just want to dance.
I don't want to run a tactical gun shop.
What?
I'm really into cartoons.
All right, well, give it a shot.
But take this 30 caliber blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Shooting guns does rule.
It's really fun.
I hear they out here.
They're executing hogs.
Did they are they every day?
They literally like, why don't you come down to our ranch?
We got to they all have fucking machine guns. But they eat it though. They go. I don't think they're eating
There's they're killing so many a couple
Yeah, yeah, and they have ARS and I'm like night vision and ARS and they put it like a net around the pigs and execute
No trial judge and jury execute You know, wow, fucking crazy fucking not no trial
Judge and jury execute
My honor
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just
Simple pig I'd like to do the other like you throw an axes like that kind of thing That's I've never gone axe. You gotta go Vegas like they have all of these like, you know
Don't have enough money to gamble but still want to have fun
Yeah thing so they have the smash rooms and all that kind of stuff. But you ever done any of that?
Yeah, I've never done. It's the last time you're in Vegas. I was in Vegas in February. Yeah, what'd you think?
I think it's like I was there for the Super Bowl. It was awesome. Oh, yeah.
It was a fun time.
We were there for BattleBots.
Yeah. Really?
They had the battle about arena.
We love BattleBots.
Yeah. We talk about bots on here a lot.
Dude, we were betting I won 20 bucks from him.
Yeah. We got better than on the wedge.
He's he's such a like like talking about competitive,
like you could just sit in the bleachers.
But now he had to go for the VIP area where they give you like some chips.
It's like being on an Amtrak train.
Here's some chips and here's a little bottle of water.
You're a VIP watching BattleBots.
Oh, and you're an adult.
I forgot that you're an adult.
The tickets to BattleBots.
That's awesome. You got to be a wooing like to try and be like good audience.
Like, yeah, man. And the older couple next to us, I guess, who lost the sun in a battle
box thing. He was just they were sitting there like, oh, Eddie would have loved this round.
The spider got him. We live in his dream of coming to Vegas and seeing the big time. And
like everyone's looking at it's like, how can you this excited or something? It's like,
I thought it was like, great. They they they tried to make it more inclusive.
So there's like, you know, everybody is like before the bots go at it,
let's talk a little bit about climate change.
You know, yeah, we're taking me to fight racism.
Dude, we're we're watching and they have these guys come out
and it's like scripted smack talk, you know, terrible.
And one of the guys goes, you've seen this guy on America's Got Talent,
but in the battle bot arena, it's America's Got No Talent. You just hear him go, yeah.
We would do it.
You have been served.
That would be cool to have your own battle.
You guys. Yeah, I could fit in there.
I could blend in at a battle.
Bats arena, dude.
You were about so much on nicely in there.
And then the next week I brought you up and he.
And that was awesome.
Her and I were whooping it up.
That's fun. It was great.
I mean, there's going to BattleBots and then going again.
And that's the sign of a problem.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who's your favorite BattleBot?
Do you have a particular favorite or?
Yeah, Overdrive.
Overdrive?
Who was the one we were just watching,
we watched one that was going crazy.
It like fucking, Yeah, it was a was a little looked like a Roomba.
It was just
Oh, that guy was got the fucking crazy thing that spins in the
front. Yo, the little guys are the best. Yeah, they're pretty
good. Everybody thinks big guy. You gotta have an axe. No, no,
the little guys fucking get them. I won 40 bucks at the
creek the other night betting battle bots. And then I lost it
on stage because I bet a guy rock, paper, scissor
in the front row and I lost.
You are competitive, see?
I'm only competitive with sports and gambling.
And comedy.
You've said some nasty things to me.
So have you, to me.
Hurtful.
After.
No, before.
Very much before.
Very much before.
We'll see who won that battle.
As Ian heads back to his SRO
mansion.
Dude, you know, it's even sadder. It's the second time I went to
BattleBots. The host is Bill Dwyer from the original show.
Bud's brother.
Please, this could hurt somebody.
Somebody call an ambulance.
He just kills a battle. But so he, he ended up.
I don't know how we got in touch. You know, I know. Yeah,
said hi. So we came to the club, we hung out and he was like,
please, please, battle bots. Next Saturday, be a guest of
mine. I'm like, Oh my god, we're gonna get he's like, I could
only get you. I could only get you
general mission. I got you a tour you can meet the bots
after you meet the boss. So me and yamanika are walking around
taking pictures with the battle. That's fucking awesome. It was
great Gary being next to such a powerful being yamanika.
Wait, Tommy, sit down. Join. There's a mic right here.
Yeah. Why are you just sitting in the kitchen alone?
Yeah, you do. We're talking about battle bots. What fucking vibe is there?
Yo, the, you know, downplay the bots. Oh, I didn't tell you. Yeah.
They had, when we went back, one of the bots was this thing called slot machine.
Yeah, they had when we went back one of the bots was this thing called slot machine
And it was a legitimate large slot machine. They cut we all that's what I wanted to see
Yeah, and it was just there to see it get destroyed
Dump dumpy there's a stumble bump. Yeah, and they were like here comes slot machine. Yeah, he's a local
Mayor this is big dude. Don't fuck up the pod.
Well, Mayor, if you fuck up the pod,
I won't buy you another ticket to Ghostbusters.
We saw it twice.
Wait, hold on, Tom, newest member of Austin.
Yeah.
Yeah, buddy.
Welcome to the town.
Tommy.
You look good.
This is a nice, yeah.
Oh, look at that.
Now I have to pay Comedy is a nice. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Now I have to pay.
Comedy Central or something.
Well, Jeff Ross has made five bucks.
Yeah, definitely smiling somewhere.
Yes. Another sandwich.
Well, that's cool.
We were talking about Philly at the green room.
That's where it is coming.
Yeah. All the Philly guys are down here.
Philly is another great town for food.
I mean, honestly, just so good.
Until Jim Stakes caught on fire.
Fuck, Jim's. Fuck you. What do you like? I'm not gonna cheese steak conversation. I just sat down.
Why not? Well, you gotta open it with fuck. Yeah. Fuck. No, I
don't have any opinions. Yeah. I don't want to ruin the vibe.
We're not talking about this. You're the first people I spoke
to today. It's a little. Yeah, it's always hard.
Yeah, it's like doing a podcast.
Early pods are nuts.
Early, it's fucking 3 p.m.
You wouldn't have done three podcasts by now.
I did one this morning.
Did you really?
Yeah, I went to Duncan's house.
Nice, he rules.
Yeah, it was great.
We had breakfast.
You know, whenever I think the farm community hasn't caught
on to the podcast and like the early milking, you know, yeah
Any pop before six is like tough why five six you gotta get like you gotta get active
The worst is we've all real ass pocket get there at 11 a.m. That's fucking ridiculous
Oh, yeah Queens it takes like an hour and a half to get there. Oh, dude, I can't stop crying. I used to do real radio.
All right.
For 30, I do it like twice.
You had some guy was doing bonk hits all night
driving you from the club like, I think this is the office.
I don't know.
I've only been here one time.
The last one I did was it was one of those
that was like be there at 6 AM and I get there
and they're not in studio they're
zooming in from there how great is that yeah I've been I've done so I'm never
doing this again how about the one where it's like a morning zoo one guy is still
going in the other guy had a meltdown and now he's living in Seattle somewhere
you're like hey and his questions are also not relevant the other guys like
Dave you look like you're blah blah and the other guys. Like, so do you ever watch Eagles flying over a lake?
No, no, we're not in Seattle.
Yeah, but the ships in the harbors.
Yeah, it's like, you know, Dave doesn't like Eagles.
He's more of a parrot man.
I do love a good parrot story. Do you have a parrot here?
I wish you should get a parrot.
It would work here. Parrot would be nice.
Yeah, my idea.
I want to get seven parrots, like a Supreme Court of parrots.
Because they can wear those little robes pretty easy.
It's just like, whatever they come up, that's what we like.
Oh, okay, well they decided.
You just need to be A&M.
I mean, does someone smell a million hits on TikTok?
I do.
I mean, yeah, seriously.
What's up with you and seven parents?
It would be incredible.
You talking to seven parents.
No, you argue your case to them.
You have two people arguing your case to them,
and then they do their parrot talk.
And then it's like, oh, well, the decision.
Then they have somebody like a real person
read the decision.
It's like all in legalese, you know?
You got to bring an expert in and have them harmonize the other way. Yeah. person read the decision. It's like it all in legalese, you know,
bring an expert in and have them harmonize.
Yeah. And then they take a break to look in the mirror. They love looking at themselves. They have they have extra security in a bailiff.
A cat is a witness. Yeah, the cat does.
Hold on. What? I just sold that parrot idea
This is an awesome podcast me Hollywood
But mr. Bagels
What's in it's Hollywood here you've got a great idea
What's next a tie with here? You've got a great idea. You've got gold. Next stop, Hulu.
What's the name of that parrot you watch?
What? The parrot?
You watch a parrot?
Kiwi the Parrot. He's the best.
Kiwi the Parrot.
He says five things, but they're also inspirational.
Like, hey, want a treat treat?
And I'm like, he should be an agent.
He's so like positive.
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Flipping through the cards, nice.
Yeah, we're gonna need to change,
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Nicotine is an addictive chemical you hear that Chris with your fucking fruity vapes. Yeah, why don't you get to Lucy?
You're gonna look that thing has lights on it. What do you fucking?
That's kind of embarrassing isn't it
And you do you do it on planes which is gonna get you kicked off when you're drunk
Have you ever been a why don't you get a Lucy a breaker? It's perfect for the I should I do want to switch to yes
Lucy's type situation a breaker sounds great. Yes. Thank you Chris. Now Now let's get back to the show. Chris, turn into David Tell. You see that bird where his owner destroyed the cage
and he started bugging out. He's so happy that he was out of his cage. Oh wow. He
just starts like stomping on the bird. That's a Tommy parrot. Tommy likes birds. Really? Yeah, he's a bird guy.
I'm a bird guy. Do you know that local bird here?
It's called like a crackle or something.
Yeah, I heard that in the trees. It's like some kind of weird crow-ish.
Yeah, I talked to a beautiful crow.
I liked it. It made me feel nice.
I'm a crow guy. I like crows.
I'm on the record. I love crows.
I'm excited about getting crows feet.
What? Those things on your eyes? Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm excited about getting crows feet What
Oh
Why is that stupid? You know what else is good red pandas?
Pandas are sick. You don't know red pandas. There's a littler ones, right? Yeah, they're great. What country are they from again?
China
Really? It's got like so
Mongolia or India. Yeah, I'm not really a big
Parrots and dogs are like animal shit all the time. Well, you know what I will send a good you know,
we're watching the whole thing of the the monkeys at the
temple, you know, and how they they rumble with each other.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess growing up in, you know, in the states
here, it's kind of boring our animals, you know, like, if you live in, let's say like New Guinea or something, there's
no more things to think about.
Well, he put me on to monkeys riding dogs.
That's really is great.
Yeah, I've seen that live.
Yeah, I bet you have because that's like a, that's a part of anything.
Yeah, no way.
Really?
That's right.
I got to see behind the curtain too.
I got to watch the guy.
So they're at the Harrisburg senators.
Yeah, dude, it's a big deal.
See, I didn't make it up.
If monkey rodeo comes to town, like. So they're at the Harrisburg Senators. Yeah, dude, it was a big deal.
See, I didn't make it up.
If monkey rodeo comes to town, like it's like,
we're getting fucked up.
I think they're shutting it down.
Monkey rodeo is so fucked up.
I'll fly in for it.
Bro, you get drunk, you watch monkeys ride dogs.
And then I saw-
You've seen the behind the scenes?
I saw behind the scenes.
Like when they weigh the monkeys
to see if they're within weight to ride a dog?
No, I saw them, I saw the rodeo handler.
The monkey rider is scared to put a monkey in a heat thing. I saw them. The rodeo hand.
Oh, that guy.
I saw him behind me.
I was feeding them strawberry pop tarts and the dogs were all sitting down.
The monkeys were all.
And he would break off
strawberry pop tarts for all the monkeys and do's.
That's like giving cocaine to soldiers.
Yeah, get them all wired up.
Those things fly.
It's so cool. They go so fast.
Yeah, but don't work on cool. They go so fast.
Don't call it. They're so fast.
Do you think the dogs are afraid of the monkeys or are they friends?
Now they're buddies. Yeah.
They both have tails.
Come on.
What are you stupid?
Yeah, monkey rodeo is awesome.
So that's cool. You can actually say that you've seen.
Have you ever been to a like the whole generation that's seen an actual live circus?
That's also just I've seen live.
So I've seen I've seen them come through.
You know, they used to come through the tunnel on the elephants.
They would bring them in there now.
Can't oh, wow.
Can't that's where the homeless live now.
Hey, that's my house.
Wait, you would you?
They would shut the tunnel down and they would bring the elephants through in a truck.
Well, because the train would would stop outside in New York,
wrinkling brothers, and they would bring them in and everybody would go down with their kids.
It's like late at night and they would take pictures of the elephants walking into the city
and then they would walk over to, I guess, Madison Square Garden, you know, that's
and they would sell it out. Am I right? Yeah.
Boom.
That was like that was when you had animals in circus. They don't do that.
That's how I'm going back to New York.
Walk through the tunnel.
Dude, I'll have Chris on my back with the monkey on the dog,
but they couldn't do it now with the surge pricing.
I mean, it would cost so much more for the elephants to come here.
Well, yeah, that's definitely like something that you won't see again, you know, not in
this country.
They still do donkey sex and stuff like that in like Mexico.
Wow.
Yeah.
Rod Mule shows.
That I think is like an urban myth. That's a myth. They don't really do that. I was heard it
was a myth. But then I you hear I've heard people say they've
seen it. Yeah. Yeah, but that's underground lying. You sure?
Do you have seen it on the internet? What's the you've
seen donkeys fuck on the internet? Who's the open? The
dude dies? Yeah.
Yeah, some whores. One black guy horse black guys online. Oh, Mr. Hands. Yeah,
Mr. Hands. That's different. Mr. Hands. That's that's homemade.
That's amateur. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's like the backyard
wrestling. I only want to have sex if I can have a spotter.
Yeah. You know, the noisy bigs. It's our he goes
I used to when I worked when I worked in a restaurant at the end of the night We'd be cleaning up and I'd be like, hey, I'm gonna put on some music
One of the hardest I've ever laughed on an airplane.
I said in this video.
We gotta find the video, find the video, Ian.
This video has alienated me from so many people.
No one thinks it's funny.
Nobody thinks it's funny.
Dave, you'll, we'll see.
What are we talking about now?
Cock fights?
Cock fights, no.
This, I don't know what the fucking setup is.
Show Dave. See if you think this is funny here
Put the me put the mic up to me
What is it?
And the guy fell down oh he ricocheted and killed the guy
No, the guinea pig doesn't die.
He just always shoots it into the guy's ass.
You know, it's really great.
We're watching stuff on your phone.
You got a big screen TV.
Like, what is it? Oh, my God.
Oh, for real company.
When they come over, you guys are the trash man.
You got a lot of feces.
Was he on the toilet?
The kid's face.
Dude, that kid is fucking unhinged.
Dude, that is happening to me.
He's just like, here's a beer.
I'm going to have to shoot a guinea pig with a fucking rifle while my dad's taking a shit.
But why was CZR playing?
The dude fears nothing.
Wait, so he was going to actual battle?
Yeah, but he was filming.
So this is somethings...
I don't know what's going on.
I don't believe it unless it's on the ridiculousness.
Can you imagine Rob Dyrdek watching that?
Yeah, he's like, oh.
This shit's crazy.
Oh man, that was whack.
Oh shit.
Shot a guinea pig.
Yeah, but that's like little kid dumb stuff that you can't think ahead of.
Yeah, like I shot myself in the foot with a BB gun because I was like, you just wanted
to get out.
Yeah.
I wonder what this will feel like.
Get out of the draft.
The laser tag army.
I'm not telling some other issue. laser tag army
Yeah, the kids do you ever do anything bad to an animal to an animal yeah, when you're a kid you're like
Mayor squeezed a frog the death
Was that like
Whatever makes you come. Yeah.
No, we used to chase each other with like nail guns and stuff like that.
We didn't have all this cool.
I did that.
That they have, you know.
Yeah. Shooting each other to an animal.
I don't know.
We had a series of fish that constantly kept dying.
And then we would feed like
there used to be a bar in New York City
where they had a snapping turtle and you could buy fish
and you would put it into his tank
and you would be able to watch him eat
the fish. And I was always like, you know, this is like cruel yet.
I mean, he's got to eat this thing.
And it was like a smelly filthy tank.
And then I guess like something happened and there were other turtles in there.
But I remember looking at, and I was drunk, but a headless turtle,
where I guess the other turtles like, this is my hang.
I'm not sharing the limelight. And he bit his head off. So, you know, drunks looking at that.
So that'll make sure all that.
Yeah. Imagine getting pussy and you're about to close it.
Do you like that fucking turtle?
But that's cool that you could buy the fish and throw them in the other thing.
That was like the fun of the night.
Oh, yeah. I've seen the videos of snapping turtles doing that.
They're nuts.
I don't like watching that.
We used to have a fair in grade school
and this kid, Kevin, took a live goldfish.
You buy him in a bag if you like,
you won like a wing toss thing.
And he swallowed it, threw up, came back out,
put it in the bag and was like, just still alive.
And that kid's name was Steve-o.
Didn't you say ferret?
No ferret.
We had a ferret. I was like
when's the ferret coming?
He went up his ass goldfish in the tank.
Oh that's something you could do here. You could get like a wall fish.
Oh let me see.
Oh yeah and then go on an aquarium.
Come back to dead fish and algae.
No you get deuce you're a plastic surgeon.
No, you get Deuce Bigelow to wash your fish tank.
True.
Get Tommy to wash your fish tank.
And he ends up slamming La Mer.
Not my pool boy, not La Mer.
I've seen La Mer out there with the pool.
The pool boy comes and La Mer stares at him.
Decides to go tanning.
La Mer goes tanning, yeah.
Oh, time for my stroll.
No, I've been here when the pool boy's here.
It's very uncomfortable.
Who's he looking with?
Because he's just right there
and I'm sitting in here watching TV.
Oh yeah.
He's just a guy working.
Am I just a gay guy now?
Am I just a gay whore?
Why don't you come inside and have a class?
I made orange juice.
You bring him a nice snack, a sandwich.
I made you a sandwich.
He knows who I am too.
That's a cool job though, according to porn.
The pool guy.
So it's plumbing.
I can see how it is. It's very sexual and it's just me and him.
Why is it sexual?
Did you ever clean houses? I used to clean houses. It's the implication. it's just me and him. Why is it sex ever clean houses? I used to clean out the implication
Yeah, what's the implication porn? It's a fucking just me in my house
There's nothing inherently sexual about that
I think if you talk to anybody and you're like a pool boy and somebody by them because that was like the original
Porno plot well there you go. Yeah, that's why I brought it up
Oh, I thought you meant it was sexual and like the way he's like no
sexuality in that Oh, I thought you meant it was sexual and like the way he's like Like a ton of women also have this like sexual fantasy about a delivery guy an Amazon guy
I know two people that have asked them to fuck them
Really just open the robe and the guy was like no really. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. She's just like I want I have this fantasy
Are they attractive the guy or the girl?
Yeah, she was ugly enough to do that. Yeah. How was
the guy?
Well, she just said she said he was just fucking hot off put he
was like, I'm married. Didn't report her but I cleaned houses
and I remember there was always the guy who was like, yeah, you
know, we just cleaned up this house and there was a woman, you
know, the wife was on there and the guy would always be like,
you can tell like she would, you know, like, you know, if you weren't here, she probably
would just like, like, I didn't see any of that. I saw a woman looking in a refrigerator and then
running upstairs to take like a ambient or something. That's what I saw. I used to do,
she wanted it. I used to do construction estimates going door-to-door to houses in
Delaware and that was always like the fantasy and boy
Did it not be?
Open the door seeing me and I'm like is your roof leak
You're not horny are you
You wouldn't happen to be horny at all. What's the last time someone ate your pussy?
You know my dad used to make me sell candy on the subway.
Oh, sorry.
That's where it goes down.
Our jobs are jobs.
He's...
I can't wait for somebody to tell that story on the pocket.
Well, you know, like any family, you know,
I would be tossed out there to sell M&M's and stuff like that.
And then, you know, my brother would come from behind and take his wallet.
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Tommy, could you do me a favor?
Why don't you turn into Ian Fiedance?
What was the last time you rode a subway?
What?
Subway?
Yeah.
I don't know, my personal assistant seems to like it.
No, I haven't been down there in a while.
But I'll tell you, like, the last time I did, it was way before
what's happening now. That was when a guy would come in the
car and he would do his performance, not his manifesto.
Yeah, they are.
That we're seeing down there, dude, it is wild. What's
happening on there. I the other night I saw an Asian woman
who was sitting on the subway alone.
Subway car people in the car.
A guy came up and started.
I'm not going to say what race he was.
He was black.
And he he was like, can I can I have a dollar? And she didn't respond. He goes,
fucking answer me bitch. And he started like parading her. So I'm like, what the
fuck? So I got off your turquoise rings.
So I went up and I sat directly next to her like this. And I didn't make eye
contact with the guy and he saw me and he just walked away and like left her
alone. Oh, you're a hero.
You're a hero.
Thank you.
Angel.
And I didn't have like a weapon or anything.
So I just had a bottle of water and I undid the cap.
And so if something happened, I was going to spray him like a cat.
Holy water.
That might've worked.
Right?
Dude, we should have fucking water balloons and when shit goes down and you hit them and
they're like a fire hose.
Yeah.
Yeah. And some dogs to fire hose. Yeah. Yeah.
And some dogs to scare them.
There you go.
Right?
Now you're racist.
No, stop it.
You just said we should get spray bottles
to keep black eyes away from people.
No, no, only at delis after when school lets out.
I don't think this is appropriate stuff.
I'm not saying that.
This is not what this, this is the old podcast. That's what you, this is appropriate stuff. I'm not saying this is not with this view. This is the old podcast
That's really this is the new part
We've changed they don't think what you said is funny
Water because they're thirsty and I'm helping now. It's funny. It's still funny. Yes
No, but I think water is a good
Water is a good
There's a you see that fucking the thing that cleans the pool the back of it has a hose and we're in the pool and I started spraying him and quickly we realized both of us realized instantly like
Turn the ring
Optics just turn the ring cam off. Not good optics.
It had some propulsion. I think it's flying out. It was really
dude, this place is like Neverland. It's the best. I will see this and this is this isn't the I never mind. I shouldn't
say that. Say it. It is fun hitting people with a hose. It
is. That's all so bro, hitting people with water when they're not expecting it is
hilarious. Right? Yeah, you put your thumb on it. The best. What
do you let
remind his dementia? That's how we wash her.
She thinks she's on a water slide.
Kill in that pool is funny.
Yeah, I'm excited. You see the hoop?
Yeah, it's gonna be nice thing.
I peeped. Yeah, we have some battles.
So when do you start getting in?
Probably it'll probably be hot this week today.
You can't wait to set up that first game and you get all those.
Oh, can't make it.
You with like hot dogs and burgers.
That's heaven. Yeah, I'll crush that.
That's all right, man.
More for me, more fun for me.
I'll work on my game.
Work on your screen.
Shoot some pre-thrush.
Oh, sorry, dude, I can't come by today.
Oh, you wanted to beat me up in your pool?
I can't make it.
Yeah.
I'm inviting like, Gardini. I wanna play Gardini in pool basketball. Oh, you wanted to beat me up in your pool? I can't make it.
I'm inviting like Gardini. I want to play Gardini and pull basketball. 200 pounds on him. Push him and dunk on him.
Do you get a volleyball net? I'm telling you, that'll be so fun.
You know what would make you here if you got one of those
handicapped lowers?
Enter for the
Bulls Championship music. I'm going to go to the ball. I'm going to go to the ball. I'm going to go to the ball. I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball.
I'm going to go to the ball. I'm going to go to the ball. I'm going to go to the ball. I'm going to go to the ball. I'm going to go to the ball. a hotel, it's like, well, we couldn't leave him at home. We had to bring him with us and they got a pool.
So they got to get into it somehow.
Yeah, the crane at the pool is tough, especially when it's like a small, shitty hotel with like a five foot long pool.
And there's a crane there. Not being embarrassed.
Are you guys hotel pool guys? Yeah, I'm not.
Oh, I love if it's an outdoor one, I'll do it.
But they have ones where it's indoor and outdoor and you have to go like almost like a bud stream
Yeah, it's always the family that has never swum. They're like, I'm afraid dad do it do it
Then you play like I'm gonna get those tight kids out of that cave
You know competitive you are
I'd love to see Dave in there with the family. Oh, dude, we did.
Dave by himself going on.
I remember one time.
Where were we on the road when we went swimming?
No, I'm a good guess because if I see a family coming,
I go, it's time for me to get out.
It's time for me to get out.
Yeah, but we were...
It's a fair fight.
It's so uncomfortable.
We were somewhere where there was a pool
and we went swimming and I was taking a while to like, or
like get in and he's already in there swimming like a little
dolphin. Get in already.
Now I always feel like that this is for the normals. Now the pool
is there. Yeah, but hey, you know, LA, that's a big thing.
You know, go out to do you like going out there?
It's all right. Yeah. Yeah, I don't love thing. You know, you go out there. Do you like going out there or no? It's all right, yeah.
I don't love it.
I always stay a day too long.
I think that's the problem with my whole life.
That place fucking bars close early.
It's the worst.
It's not a great drinking town.
Be very careful out there, the drinking
and driving and all that.
Yeah, I don't, yeah.
You gotta Uber that, right?
Yeah.
But yeah, not a good drinking town.
They start so much earlier though. Yeah.
That's the thing.
You know, I never got it out there,
what's, how they do that.
But it's all weed 24 seven there now, you know?
I'm not a fan of marijuana.
I don't know.
Yeah.
I gotta get into it.
Cut back on the booze.
This is a good town for that, right?
It's an easy one.
Yeah.
Actually, no.
It's never my thing, but.
Weed? Yeah. No, this isn't, Texas is shitty on weed. No, it's never my thing but weed yeah no this
isn't Texas is sure you know you know what else is a problem here you try to
jack off lately why you have to know porno what the fuck xxnx it happened
it happened last week I came home and I tried to whack off they they've taken
our pornhub in place why I can't believe you guys haven't discovered I mean this
is when we bear arms
Pornhub yeah, it's a wow what happened. They've taken it from us go to red X or XXX No, no, no, it's not about other options. It's about the fact that they know I'm born. There's plenty. That's wrong
I might move back to Pennsylvania
I'm going back to monkeys on dogs
You don't do my pussy. You don't do OnlyFans?
No. Are you allowed to do OnlyFans here?
I do OnlyFans. Well then I'm doing OnlyFans I guess.
It's nice to support the gals and guys
and guys dressed like gals.
Jesus.
Gals.
How are they allowed to do that? You're not allowed to censor like that.
Yeah. I don't know what happened.
Is your OnlyFans just strictly tranny and it happened now
One that I like but it's all women and I did have a guy named little baby Anthony
He would get gang banged by black guys in Atlanta. Oh, no, that's what we call my nephew
Fuck Oh no. Fuck.
Well, don't worry.
He changed his name to sissy pussy because he chopped his.
My niece's.
He changed his name to sissy pussy.
That wasn't already.
And I.
What?
That was not taken already?
That's the domain name classroom?
Yeah, sissypussies, that's a middle school bully nickname.
I thought that was a Carvel treat.
Fudgy the whale, sissypussy.
Come on.
If you're not man enough for Fudgy the whale.
So you whacked off to a guy named Little Baby Anthony and then he changed his name to sissy pussy and you're paying him
And you're whacking off to it. No, I when he chopped you said I'm out. Oh, he got rid of his dick
Yeah, he's got a pussy now cuz he's a sissy. I thought he was calling his butt is sissy pussy
Turn the corner, sissy pussy.
Yeah, once they chop it off, the fun is gone.
If I meet a gal that has it chopped off when I meet her, fine.
But if I'm with a gal and she chops it off, isn't a good.
You wanted the dong.
If she's got it.
What's the process with the up and down, the lever itself?
Does it get hard as soon as you enter?
What?
Yeah, I've seen soft birds get whacked around
when they're getting knocked.
But like, what are you talking?
Do they get hard when you get fucked in the ass?
The women?
Yeah, some of them.
Do the women's dicks get hard when you fuck them in the ass? the women yeah some of them do the women's dicks get hard
You watch that too, you know that girl no check her out
I think you might have showed me this and I was like, yeah Texas better be banning this
They took my pornhub and I'm allowed I always show Dave I go is this, is this girl hot? He goes, yeah. And I go, she's got a penis. You're gay forever.
Yeah, I mean, there's a bunch of. Yeah, she's very pretty.
And you're telling me there's a dick in there.
Well, let me see.
Because I don't like that.
Let me see. Yeah, it's not her. Look at her Instagram. Yeah, yeah, it's it's little. It's a nice one. It fits nice in your ass. Wait, joking.
No, that can't be her. Look, look up her Instagram. This lady.
Yeah, dude. She's great. She's the fucking best. She's the
coolest. She's winning like a bunch of awards and because
she's super hot. Like the Nobel. What words?
We're like the Nobel.
What words?
Pussy.
Get the Pulitzer this year.
No, but she's super hot and it's like normalizing being with trans women away that like, how do you not think she's hot?
And then your brain is like, yeah, you're not converting us. You and I got
her dick sucked by a fucking trans woman on a roof. I didn't
know. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. Yeah. And then I tried to
take her home. And she stole my phone. She did rob you. You
fucking hypocrite. Look at at you was it the roof
Let's really it up was it out of wah-wah
Did you go in for a soft pretzel you came out with a double-headed blow job?
Don't you just an aggressive hot lady on the street that one a little double
Immediately we were so yacked out
High five each other. It was great. It was fun.
We got you sat down. Yeah. We gotta hang out some more time.
We do you're great when you when you weren't sober.
Now you were great. You were fucking wonderful hang. I've gotten a lot of our friends over. Thank you. Not are sober.
Oh, dude, Tommy's the last stop to life.
It is he's the final boss. It's fucking crazy. We got coke one
time. And we're like, all right, let's share it. And this fucking
asshole. He goes to the bathroom and comes back and it's fucking
gone. And I was like what you doing?
He's like I just did a toot
This is quite anything else
Fuck well damn you what guy just got to town. I was gonna move again
Like the Incredible Hulk go from town to town. I'm happyappy over here. Just gonna do a Seattle stared seagulls.
Uh, we all miss Philly.
Is that what you're trying to get at?
No, that was in New York.
Oh.
Because we were friends in Philly.
Yeah.
And I moved and then you moved up.
Me, you and none used to go to that place in the Lower East Side.
Library bar.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Pictures and shit.
Dude, that place was bananas. It was a carnival clowns. I left my bike
there one time and I went back to get it and it started
raining and I was like, well, I guess I should just do oxy
cotton.
Way ahead of the curve there, I guess. Yeah.
That's good. You dodged that. Oh, yeah. Noxies like that.
Yeah, good. But a heroin man. I am so fortunate. Could have been a junkerman.
I never did heroin.
Every time I tried to get heroin.
The Junkermans?
I was.
The one guy in New York who can't find heroin.
I swear to God, I tried.
Hey guys, you got any heroin?
I got arrested when I was asking for heroin on the train
and I was fucked up and I had a 40
and I had gotten in trouble drinking on the street and the cops made me
throw it out. So I threw it in the trash and I looked at when
they left, I pulled it back out to drink it. And I went on the
train. These guys are nodding off. I'm drinking it. And
they're like nodding off. I'm like, Hey, can I have some
heroin? Can I have some heroin and they wouldn't respond. So I
threw my my beer cap at him and an undercover got me. And I had a warrant and so I got thrown in jail for the night. It
sucked. What you had that. Yeah, this is like 2013. You know,
jail shot. They still have jails there.
It was before bail reform. So I was in there. Five hours. I
thought you were gonna wipe privilege away out of this one.
No, man, I've been wait, wait, did you do heroin before? This
is the first time I did every time I tried. I dude, I asked a
guy for heroin one time and he goes, you're you're you're a
good kid. I don't want you to do this. I was like, but I have
money.
Just couldn't find the spoons.
There's a spoon short is in the early 90s. It was a spoon. It was a spoon short.
It's in the early 90s.
Sporks.
I was trying to do heroin in it.
I was just going to go to KFC.
You get sporks.
I'm fucked.
Nailed it.
They would tie you off to shoot and then you would just.
Holy shit.
That's you?
No.
What a badass.
Whoa.
You look like Brendan Trenor.
When did you change ever did Coke.
I didn't know you were a Venezuelan.
I didn't know you were a coyote at one point.
Dude, check, check this out. This is wild.
This is the last time I did Coke.
I was on a bender and I kept calling my friend to be like, come hang out.
She's like, no, I'm tired.
And I was trying to show her that I was having fun. So I was taking
selfies and I was walking my dog knocking on people's doors, be like, have
you seen my dog? Cause I didn't know I had her on a leash and whoa, this is
delete these pictures.
Jewish caricature.
My jaws on the other side of the street
Isn't it better that I'm sober Tommy dude. I would have woke up and roofed my phone. That's like
That's so
Why why I
Was no I mean then that's embarrassing to have done. Oh, yes so I kept drinking to make it go away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's so shameful.
Who cares?
You've come a long way though.
I don't care, I think it's funny.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I'm saying it's so, the next day I would have been
Yeah.
Yeah, but that's why you gotta keep drinking
to make it go away, you know?
Well, that's probably about the end of the episode.
Is that the last time you had a beard or no?
April
2012, 2015. Wow. Is that the last time you had a beard or no a April 2000 and 2015 Wow
That's when you kind of fake joined Isis
I didn't know what I was doing
They had a great video online I wanted to be a part of it
See the back the boys are back
Yeah, yeah, I don't know.
You don't know about that one?
It's been awfully quiet.
But do you know who was playing there, right?
Gray White.
And it's like, it's our comeback European tour, guys.
Keep it straight, no, no pyro.
Just let the music do the talking.
Ah, shit, ISIS is here.
God damn it.
Fuck, they double booked us with ISIS.
Like they were on the.
They were on the boo.
Shit, ISIS is here.
Hey, well, how do you celebrate an election, all right?
That was funny.
That guy's got a faint excitement
when they're calling the Russian vote.
Oh, Putin's he's up.
He's up.
Sorry, other guy who's going to have a mysterious accident.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't I haven't seen anything about it, really.
It's terrible.
Of course, it's terrible what I'm saying.
They're being there's no like.
Yeah. Why would ISIS attack Russia? They're down
there. They're Russian. Don't you ever play the game? Very close.
Dude, Eastern European Muslims are fucking nuts. Yeah, they're all. They all
look the same. They're glad the spotlights off us. It's a very Philly
way of. They all look the same. Never seen them. the spotlights off of us. It's a very Philly way of what is it? They all look the same.
Never seen them. Do they wear pants? I see him behind the
counter. I don't know if they were.
You know what I mean?
Ah, whatever. Who cares? Things are fine.
Right? I don't know if we're alive.
No, I saw that right away. I was like, Whoa, that's a left turn.
I see that coming.
Did you back?
No, I saw that right away. I was like, Whoa, that's a left turn. I see that coming.
Just come back.
Oh, God.
What any work on that? I'm all caught up.
I need a new season.
Yeah, I just will be.
Yeah, that'll be a good season.
Yeah. Yeah.
What do you think some ISIS is coming over here with the migrants sneaking in?
Oh, of course. Getting a little silly.
I believe in it.
Yeah. How cool would it be to be a migrant, like in another country
you're with your boys and you're like, yo, do you want to go somewhere
where we can just get away with crime and get paid and won't be like Vikings
overtaking, raping, even hit Fox.
Get some heroin.
I hear you though.
Yeah, I see it. It gets funnier.
God damn it.
Dave, so what's going on? Are you excited about anything?
I can't wait to go to the bathroom again, but I want to be the old man in the room.
You see, I'm not looking at the pool.
Oh, God. Oh, no. It's too late.
Why don't you pee? What am I excited about?
I don't know. I mean, it's cool that, you know,
it's always good to hang with you guys, I guess.
This is like a lot of fun when you're on the road
and you get to hang with other comics.
And usually it's just you're out there like one man band.
So big props to the mothership and Joe, of course.
That's really for those who are comedy fans.
You really have to check this club out in particular,
because I don't think anybody does it like that.
So I would definitely.
And all the boys are there. Go is fucking great.
And then, you know, just more road ahead of me.
I mean, I got my special and hopefully people like it.
They're gonna love it.
Just back out on the road, I think.
Hot cross bonds.
Thanks.
And how about you, bud?
What are you thinking?
That's it.
You're out on the road for the rest of my life.
Yeah, but dude, the thing I hate-
People get sick of me in two years.
No, I got two years in the tank.
Shut up. Dude, the worst I got two years in the town up
Dude, the worst than a aquarium. Yeah
The worst part about the road is coming home and being alone. I hate that coming home to know
I'm so happy when I get home. It's really yes
Well when I'm on the road, I'm doing adventures and activities and when I come home
I kind of want to keep it going or have and activities. And when I come home, I kinda wanna keep it going
or have someone to share it with.
I just have a cat, but it must be so cool coming back here
and you got fucking these guys now,
I'm fucking that idiot.
LaMare being here helps.
Although he's been gone, I was sad.
He wasn't here last night.
Where was he?
He's over at his house sitting at Matt's.
He's dog sitting.
Oh yeah, we flew a kite yesterday in the park
and he's like, I gotta take care of these dogs
Stop playing. Yeah, that's a full day. Yeah, we went saw Ghostbusters and then went to a toy store and I got us a kite
Fucking children it was a bed
No funnel cake, you know You got to unlock your inner child you have fun
No, I'm like you I can't wait when you get back home and you're just alone.
Oh, so nice.
You open the refrigerator and eat what doesn't smell.
I did that today.
I just had my strawberries.
I knew they would go bad.
There's some kale in there from last week.
Oh, I thought I was a better person.
Yeah, I think I just buy vegetables.
It rots and you don't think the road gets lonely.
So you want to come home to something? Yeah,
no, it's it's I've been bringing my life long best friend on the
road. He's not a comic. He is we've been friends since we were
10. And we just hang out and his wife divorced him. So he's got
all this free time. Nice. So he just fucking rolls around. It's
the best. Yeah, we share a hotel room. We watch movies, try to get
some
rolls around. It's the best. Yeah, we share a hotel room. We watch movies, try to get some play. Yeah, you ever fucked his
sissy pussy? No, no, no, no, it's not. I've never been
attracted to a friend. That hurts.
Say more mean shit.
I did my fucking I've been wearing cologne for 30 years.
He played on this sys buzz.
The mayor's wearing cologne.
Yeah, you got, I heard it smelled him today.
I was like, what are you?
Good for you.
You're wearing cologne to hang out with us?
What's your scent?
I smell a job interview.
Watch out.
Don't take it for granted.
Don't take them for granted.
All right. I really have to go to the bathroom. Thank you so much for having me.
Thank you.
Thank you guys.
Thank you.
This is fun.
Thanks for letting me crash.
Check out Dave's special.
Am I special?
And Ian's in April.
Yes.
Hell yeah.