Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 487 - Sus Patrol
Episode Date: March 28, 2024Support the D.A.W.G.Z. @ patreon.com/MSsecretpod Go See Matt Live @ mattmccusker.com/dates Go See Shane Live @ shanemgillis.com Go See Shawn Gardini if you want @ https://linktr.ee/shawngardini Plea...se go to optimum noctis in austin at the creek and the cave @ https://www.creekandcave.com/events/optimum-noctisvb6dfsz Go See DRIP! at The Stand https://thestandnyc.com/shows/show/8361/20240403-700-pm-drip Get Merch @ mssecretpodcast.com/merch Good afternoon. We are back. Just the D.A.W.G.Z. this ep. Fambly biznizz. So many current events to talk about this week!!!!!!! mashallah. Please enjoy. God Bless you all. Download the app today and use code Drenched for a first deposit match up to $100 Go to https://robinhood.com/boost for an exclusive offer! Available till April 30. Visit thefreezepipe.com and use code DRENCHED for 10% off your order
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Yo.
There's a lot going on.
Finally, some news.
It's been, I've been waiting for a bridge
to get hit by a fucking boat.
Yeah, dude.
There's been nothing going on.
That's, I mean, yeah.
Thank God for the podcasting world.
The podcasting world will solve this issue.
We're like bugs on world events.
We just fucking. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr happened. Diddy's a molester. Diddy the diddler. Diddler's in
super trouble dude. He's in big trouble. Did we break that
story? We were pretty close. We were early on the diddler. You
knew who broke that story? Kanye? Yeah he broke the fed.
Hard. Yeah he knew. No, yeah he's not fed. Yeah he was like
Diddy and Meek are feds. Yeah, that's pretty crazy
But yeah, dude 50s hinting dude
Yeah, man at hope at ho being I mean the black community
For them all a huge swath of the black community already has him on like suss patrol big time
Just oh, it's illuminati charges. He had early illuminati charges early ones
Who knows just that's just being involved with potentially the intelligence services.
Yeah. Potentially.
Again, I don't know.
I don't know.
I think it's pretty clear that this is...
The Clintons, how did the Clintons get you?
Dude, if you're a rapper and the Clintons hit you up,
like, yo, we want you to do this thing,
how in the world are they able to get you to do that?
It works.
Unless...
world are they able to get you? Yeah, it works. Unless.
I'm not going to say it. That was the funniest clip of all time.
This is number one.
I'm going to say did it do the.
Yeah, I was telling you on the way here, Diddy's wife sued
allegedly for him bringing the bros through the professional bros
Dude, imagine you're on a date
Cassie's allegations were that
Cassie's excuse me Cassie's allegations were that
The diddler would take her out for a nice dinner and then call like the dancing bear troop to come through
Yeah, he had the plug for fucking pro dudes.
Did you see the dude driving outside and he's talking about how did he has bus, the bus
is filled with little kids coming to his house at 3am all the time.
Who was white neighbors said that?
No, that was the one I was saying. That one was black neighbors that yelled at him. That
article was good though. You need to bring that up from the root.
Dude, that was crazy. Did he fuck with the root at all? Lamar, to bring that over the root dude that was great
Do you fuck with the root at all?
Lamar do you fuck with the root? That's probably what's scrambling your fucking mind, dude
Never heard of the root now, there's the root there's mother Jones
They're like mother Jones wild fucking articles with the root ran an article being like diddy's white neighbors of the problem
Diddy's white neighbors called the cops because they don't like him having too much sex and parties
Yeah, the Karen's are trying to blame this on the Karen's which is like dude. I don't know man
Maybe more Karen's bro. He might do we might have to go on Karen arrest
We shunned to the Karen's and since then crimes gone through the roof. It's true. That's true
You know what lady wants to be on the line.
We got rid of crimes only predators, you know.
True, it is a symbiotic relationship.
Yeah, we need Karens about out and about.
Cause now they're ashamed, now it's like,
I don't want white ladies feeling like they can't
call the police if they, you know.
And they feel that way.
People's lives got ruined for calling the police.
Apartment.
Remember the Central Park lady?
Which one?
The like, the bird watcher guy?
Yeah.
I think he was like being weird as fuck to that lady.
He said he was gonna kill her dog.
Probably, yeah.
And then she started swinging it around.
Yeah, you're not gonna kill me.
I'm gonna fucking kill my dog.
Well, I mean, we gotta check in. We should do an investigative report and see how apartment complexes pools are going.
So that's when Karens freak. If you're chilling by the apartment complex pool and all of a sudden you see like 12 black teenagers, you start going...
Yeah, you go, no way.
I didn't see wristbands.
No way.
I didn't see wristbands. They're not gonna ruin my pool day
I'm trying to read some Grisham
Really? Yeah, dude, you should find it now. No, I'm saying the pool lady
She's I'm just trying to lay in the Sun trying to read the Rainmaker and read some legal thrillers
Yeah, I mean dude. There is no harsher by some legal drillers the apartment complex
Pool is might be the harshest vibe of all time
Just one dude standing with his arms out of the pool
Apartment complex pool is rough. I feel like two Puerto Rican kids jumping in and out of the water
The O'Con man's in one right now. Is he really? Yeah, he's got one up there. Oh, that's gotta be nice
You gotta swim so soft and gently. Oh, we talked about last time
La Mer got there and he was he was in a bad mood and the babes were at the pool and he was grumpy about it
Yeah, why?
Yeah, I would rather I would rather black teens than babes
I'd rather have the black teens. No, no diddy on that for real
Take that back.
That was a big diddler comment.
Big diddler.
Big diddler.
I downloaded Twitter again just to follow the diddler.
The diddler, black Twitter on the diddler
was as funny as it gets.
It's, dude, it's unbelievable.
Yeah, and especially, dude, busloads of kids
is kind of wild.
Just anti-Twitter, I don't know why I said black Twitter, but you know. No, and especially dude bus loads of kids is kind of wild just any Twitter
I don't know why I said black Twitter, but you know black Twitter black Twitter is a distinct entity
That's like they cover. I mean do the me I followed the meek stuff like do you know the audio of them fucking?
It's clearly just gay porn
Just gay porn. There's no way
Here's the audio of them fucking
You think it's actually meek how could you tell that it's meek Here's the audio of them fucking.
You think it's actually meek. How could you tell that it's meek?
It's just a gay guy being like, yeah.
He has a distinctive voice.
Yeah, it does.
You think it's meek?
That's actually, have you heard it yet?
No. That's what it sounds like.
That's just how he raps all the time.
It does sound like I'm rapping.
It does sound like he's rapping.
No, it doesn't.
I think audio meek mill.
I got a hundred pumps.
Hold up, wait a minute.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
Oh my God, oh my God.
Hey, yo.
Oh my God, oh my God.
Oh my God, oh my God.
Oh my God.
That's disturbing, dude.
That's vulgar.
That's absolutely disturbing. It's just the video of that guy scream dude. I know, it's vulgar. That's absolutely disturbing.
It's just the video of that guy scream coming.
I know.
That's hurtful, dude.
Because then it's just a picture of Diddy and Meek while the audio is playing.
Really? You could put a hit piece out on anybody.
Yeah, dude. Just get a picture of two people
and just play gay porn and be like,
here's leaked audio. This is them.
I found their... I was outside their bedroom recording audio.
Yeah. I found there I was outside their bedroom recording audio. A wire. I was in the corner jacking off with my shirt on so as not to expose my wire.
I surrounded myself with six male prostitutes for protection.
You know what I'll give this to Diddy on that one with his wife Cassie maybe he
suffered from a bad case of self-gifting.
You know when you think something's really sick
and you get it for someone
and they're like, this isn't really my thing?
Yeah.
He was probably like, yeah, six gigolos.
Everybody's gonna want this.
Did he start like, dude, this is what I do
all the time on my birthday.
Yeah.
Having the plug on six male prosts is like,
you know how deep you gotta be in hookers
to find that many male prosts, dudes? know deep you got to be in hookers to like find that many male prosts dudes
that's fucking gross yeah i don't know you'd have you'd have to get like pretty in the mix of hookers just to find male prosts i mean i guess he probably had a uh yeah he probably had like
the escort service he probably had the ultimate plug but that's fucking dude if true my god
those boys are probably having fun though the six pros
Fucking for Diddy. How hard would you fuck for bad boy entertainment? Oh?
I'd go as hard as I could for bad boy
Now I'm West Coast by the way. Oh yeah, I used to be East Coast hot that be death row now now
I'm death row you just hang you just hang Diddy's wife by her ankles over a hotel balcony instead of fucking her like sugar night
his wife by her ankles over a hotel balcony instead of fucking her, like Suge Knight.
Did you see that they said,
I think it was Jay-Z's Big Pimpin' video
was filmed on Epstein Island.
Nah, I saw it, now it was Fiesta with R. Kelly.
R. Kelly, yeah, Fiesta, Fiesta.
I think it was filmed in Miami, but it's fun to say.
I looked it up, the Illuminati changed the Google search
to, and they said it was in Miami. It's like bro
That was obviously on Epstein's I think I saw the Lodi and logos shaped like Epstein's Island. Come on, dude
Really definitely not just a splat
Yeah, true. Yeah that I mean dude. I I'm just curious of who's all gonna go down with the diddler
Cuz he's gonna he'll probably he's gonna, he's gonna get suicide. You think so?
Yeah. Yeah.
But who's gonna, if he's got the dirt on Jay Z,
Hope's not gonna let that out.
Do you think they'll hang him with a Gucci scarf?
Yeah, they could do that.
They could just say he was trying to jack off,
strangling himself.
True.
He got smothered.
Everyone will be like, yeah, definitely.
He got smothered under like 18 male prostitutes.
He died in a stampede dog pile
And a scrum
Those dog piles get vicious though. I bet you ever been on the bottom one not sexually. I've been I played I played rugby
Ow you stepped on me that was my favorite whenever yeah in, like if somebody scored a touchdown, just jumping on them and having them be like,
yeah, yeah, oh, oh, dude, get the fuck up.
Yeah, it's been a very shameful week in the press.
Very shameful.
And then there's the Nickelodeon documentary that came out.
I watched that.
That's what I was watching the last two years.
It's a tough watch.
Yeah.
It's a very uncomfortable watch.
I've yet to see it, but I believe it's probably pretty brutal.
Yeah, I've heard about that guy forever, by the way.
Schneidman Schneider Schneider got off easy on that.
I know they were just saying he didn't he didn't get accused of any
sexual assault in that he did not in the documentary.
No. OK.
But they had the bro.
The bros were sneaking around, dude.
That's what I heard. Couple of bros got caught on all that.
Can't you really? Really? Yeah. Dude, I knewos got caught on all that. Catch and release, really?
Dude I knew, I used to watch all that when I was younger
and I was like this shit is not funny.
And I knew, I could tell,
there's something going on here.
They had me, the programming worked.
I was like man.
I hate all that, cause they would do the
don't laugh challenge.
I'm like bro I can crush these things.
I hated every segment I was like this isn't funny
The dude in the bathtub talking French would almost hear it would give me one segment from all that was his name
Yeah, yeah, Raskar go. Yeah, yeah, I got go dude still a little window guy love ketchup come on, dude
That was another guy from what good burger now Keenan would play a chef who loved ketchup. That's pretty good
Anything Kel was in he'd go around being like,
repair man, man, man, man, man, Jupiter.
Kel would make me laugh, but that was a different show.
Wasn't that a?
That was all that.
They were all that, and then Good Burger.
Who loves orange soda, that was all that?
That's Good Burger.
Keenan and Kel.
Yeah, Kel would get me.
Kel was the one guy that would get me to crack a smile.
I remember, I was very young,
I liked the fat lady doing the news.
Lori Beth, when I was a kid, I was like,
that lady's got talent.
You liked her?
Yeah, I didn't.
I styled my entire career off her.
Yeah.
That was my original, my mentors are
Leonardo da Vinci, Lori Beth Ginsburg.
What's LBG up to right now?
What's Lori Beth Ginsburg? What's Ruth Bader Ginsburg? What's LGB up to? She's? What's LBG up to?
She's just hitting Comic-Cons now.
Oh nice.
Yeah, she's in the circuit.
Damn, in the Comic-Con whack-off circuit.
That's the next one, dude.
All the pedophiles get to meet all the grown-up kids now.
That's the next one that's going to get busted.
There'll be a Comic-Con documentary where that's going to be a diddler.
That's a diddler's dream, dude.
Yeah, that's a playground for a diddler. That's a that's a diddler dream, dude Yeah, that's a playground for it. Now. There's one guy in the all that that's
It's not funny, but it is there's one dude
that was a
like a production assistant on all that and he would like be the liaison between the kids and the parents and like
He became friends with all of them and he was like a normal nice guy
Everyone was like this guy's great.
And then he emailed, he got the kids' emails
and be like, I think you've got something
we can work in the future on this.
So all the parents were like, yeah, definitely.
This is great, they're in the business now.
And then he sent this 10-year-old girl a email
with a picture of him jacking off naked and
The mom said she just heard her daughter start like scream crying and running into her bedroom and then
No, it's just very funny thinking of the guy being like, you know how like when you're really horny and you're like
I'm gonna send a picture of my dick to this girl. Not a child, but I don't you mean even as an adult
That's like a risky enterprise. Yeah imagine and then you finish you like I'm gonna send a picture of my dick to this girl. Not a child, but even as an adult,
that's a risky enterprise.
And imagine, and then you finish,
and you're like, why the fuck did I do that?
Think of his, like, oh, she didn't respond,
this is bad, dude.
He got left on read by a 10-year-old.
You gotta go to their house,
you gotta drive to the house with a gun,
and be like, give give me open your fucking email
I'll kill myself right now open your email
The problem is to be that bold and brazen there had to have been so many other things that he got away with or he
Was like he had the file cabinet of like hundreds of girls with like their underwear
Yeah, it's a lot of bags with each of their names on it is just six years what they all just get
Disney Channel instead of Nickelodeon when they get out it's fucking nuts
Jason handy hands the hand man
Penalty not for that just to get like thrown in a hole
Yeah, that's you send a picture dick to a kid you should yeah
They should leave it up to the parents
But do you want to see him in the arena? It's like yes, please that should be pure gladiatorial
Even like in doing where they like push it up to fight the guy in doom
Yeah, and they poison they give him a little bit of poison. We should only add be like no poison
Obviously, we should have a do man like that. Yeah, we should have just and we sacrifice people to the doon man
Family champion. Yeah,, this country tomorrow could watch
pedophiles get their heads cut off in an arena.
No problem.
I think Saudi Arabia fucks with that.
Dude.
Afghanistan was doing that.
I remember the Taliban was, they'd like fill up
a soccer stadium for beheadings.
I don't know man, you might have to cut just like
10 of these guys heads off on TV.
And we won't get addicted to it. We'll chill
Yeah, yeah, but just like one halftime show we take it
We just do a firing squad on pedophiles the whole country's like oh
Bread we need bread out there to bread and circus we need the games Bruno Mars in the background like he's in the hole
I guess would be nice
Everyone's fucking up right now
There's one more pedophile
that's very funny, because on the show, he was Pickle Boy.
And he would just go around and give people pickles.
And they were like, what's the joke?
All the kids were like, I don't know.
He just hands us pickles.
Turns out he was a diddler, dude.
Oh, he sucked Drake Bell, dude.
He sucked Drake Bell.
Yeah, he got Drake Bell. Oh yeah, the pickle guy got him? The pickle he sucked Drake Bell, dude. He sucked Drake Bell. Yeah, he got Drake Bell.
Oh yeah, that what the pickle guy got him?
The pickle boy got Drake Bell.
Did you see him like hand Ray Romano
a pickle through the glory hole?
Yeah, that's tough dude for Ray.
That was a tough one.
Romano took the pickle?
Romano took the pickle through a glory hole
and really double handed the pickle.
Yeah, it was sus.
No idea.
That was, because Romano definitely had no idea
that this was like a gay pedophile shit.
He was just like, yeah, yeah, I'll eat the pickle.
I was like, oh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Drake's dad knew the whole time.
Drake's dad was a beast.
And they were like, no, he's just gay.
You're being a jerk about it.
Yeah.
Why do you just don't like him?
And that was back in like the 90s too.
Yeah.
His dad was probably pissed he was gay too. Yeah, his dad was probably pissed. He was gay, too. Yeah
Dad looked like he'd be pissed
95 it was like that was your number one theory like he's getting into acting he's I'm like fuck
Fuck they would cut to pictures of the pickle boy and then Drake's dad and it was like dude
That's a man pickle boys
How old is trickle boy? Of the pickle boy and then Drake's dad and it was like dude. That's a man pickle boys
Forties allegedly he got to Caprio to on another set prior to when he worked at Nickelodeon. He was rubbing to Caprio
Guys like rubbing kids and shit on cameras that aren't theirs. It's like dude. I don't even touch my nieces and I like just rub my head. I'm not like all over them pictures
That shit's fucking weird. That is weird
Especially if you they're not if you're just like working with kids, but you wouldn't do that with any other co-worker unless they're your work wife
Damn they had work husbands and Nickelodeon work
husband's in Nickelodeon? They're work children. Yeah. Oh, bro. Blow it up, dude. You also, did you know that Nick
Illodeon? It means like without God. Yeah, we've all been on the
same Twitter. We're all on the exact same. Nick Leo Dio. It's
nice that our country's unified right now. True. Although my
Twitter's taking a very sinister turn where my Twitter now is just a feed
of young black kids being mean at sports games.
Out of nowhere.
It's like I don't go on Twitter that much
and it's just like my algorithms is like just very,
it's like Kumeya stuff of just like
look at black people being fucking assholes.
And it's like 12 year old spazzing at basketball games.
Yeah, Twitter's getting pretty rowdy with that.
Yeah, pretty wild.
I think we need to.
Focus on the pedophiles.
I think we need to swap algorithms.
I think they need to adjust it to where you get the opposite.
Yeah.
Blacks, M whites, we need to swap algorithms.
Yeah, man.
I think we need to see white people being dickheads.
Black people need to see black people being dickheads.
That'd be nice.
That is a.
So the opposite where we're all like,
it's not our fault, it's black people's fault.
Yeah, true. But. Look at this kid, he spiked the ball. I get videos of like he threw the ball That is it where we're all like it's not our fault. It's black people's fault. Yeah true
But look at this kid he spiked the ball didn't I get videos of like he threw the ball didn't hand it to the ref
You mean to tell me this isn't a real thing and it's like dude
algorithm knows your father now
And they're like you hand the ball to the ref you fucking showboat you mouth off to the ref dude I am in I'm in total old man mode. I've completely just embraced it.
I listen to my cigar smoking play.
I smoke cigars now.
Then I have a playlist that is just, dude,
it's the funniest songs.
And I just sit there and I'm like, dude,
like the Kid Rock,
Sweet Home Alabama.
Like song fucking rules, dude.
Oh man, you've entered it.
Dude, I've entered full, and I can't fight it anymore.
You're a conservative dad now.
I, dude, I fully might be. You're no longer a black conservative.
You reached white conservative dad, dude.
The highest plane.
With black conservative leading.
Not the highest plane, the highest plane is.
For sure.
Driving around the back of a Mercedes.
Yeah.
That's the highest plane.
You're the old school Mercedes.
That's funny, me and Matt, just Matt just we saw an old Mercedes
and he was like, damn, that thing might that's old.
That's vintage. I wonder if it got to drive around any of the goats.
The goats were in the back of that wave and saw any real action.
Just waving to all the vote.
That would be a wild flex.
If you copped like in 1935.
I wanted to buy Hitler's art.
You can buy Hitler's artwork.
A ridge or?
A ridge, dude.
What?
Yeah.
How much is it?
I think cheaper than like it's very expensive,
but it's not like what you'd think.
Oh yeah, art's expensive as fuck.
30 Gs for an original hit?
For an original hit, dude.
The hit man. Bro. Arts expensive as fuck 30 G's for an original hit for an original Oh my gosh. The news broke about allegations between a sexual relationship with Puff Shawn Combs.
Puff Shawn Combs.
And Meek Mill's.
I don't know Meek Mill's real name.
Look it up before you do the video.
He's like green screen into a classic. And Meek Mills, I don't know Meek Mills' real name. Look it up before you do the video.
He's like green screen into a classroom.
He's just his head in a classroom.
That also that does look official, just green screening,
just your head in the background of like a grade school classroom.
Puffy Sean Combs.
And I don't know his real name.
Sort of over, dude, You got the nickname first.
I know.
Tommy Old Man last night, he said,
what the hell did he say?
He called him like a Puff Diddy.
He was like, yeah, Puff Diddy.
I'm like, damn, dude.
Puff Diddy.
Yeah, Tommy Old Man out.
Oh, he hit us with a Puff diddy last night. It was like nice
Yeah, there's been this week's been just very tumultuous dude hughes the lab got thrown on the floor
This lab do the lab they're trying to say the lab doesn't exist. That's where I draw the line
I'm like bro. Don't come at the man. What are they saying? They were trying to act like his lab wasn't a real thing
they're like we called Stanford and
There was like one research assistant in this place,
then the Hube's team, which we need spokespeople by the way,
I saw that, I'm like, that's what's up.
Spokespeople battling your hoes for you.
Dude, he had-
Lamar, you've got a new job.
Spokesperson, dude.
You're the spokesperson for the podcast.
All you have to do, if someone says anything we did
that's bad, say, I don't believe they did that.
It's pretty tight.
Yeah.
But yeah, they tried to come at the lab, being like the lab doesn't exist,
and then they were like, no,
we're in the process of moving.
So they were trying to act like he didn't have a lab,
and then they were just like, I mean, dude.
I heard he had too many girlfriends.
That was his problem.
So many girlfriends.
Allegedly had so many girlfriends.
But then here's the thing, he was like,
we weren't in an exclusive relationship.
So it is he said, she said.
He was like, no, we weren't in an exclusive relationship.
She's like, we were.
But then here's, for me, here's the damning evidence
against one of the ladies.
She was like, he was supposed to come to Thanksgiving
and he never came.
I'm like, bro, if you're wondering where a dude is
on Thanksgiving, it's not your boyfriend.
Yeah.
If you're like, he didn't come to Thanksgiving,
I'm like, yeah, that's not your boyfriend.
I hate to break it to you, lady.
That's not your boyfriend.
Yeah.
If you're on a holiday and you're like,
where's that guy that's my boyfriend? It's like. Yeah, he said he your boy. I hate to break it to you lady. That's not your boyfriend Yeah, if you're on a holiday and you're like, where's that guy? That's my boyfriend
It's like he said he was gonna spend Christmas at my family
He didn't even show up
No calls no shows to a fucking Christmas, but Thanksgiving
It's tight cuz he is in the article
They would say like he would get busted and be like I hate this for us. So I'm willing for us to do the repair work
Let's get on this immediately.
I'm so sorry.
It's like, it is nice macking.
Just get it in.
Like therapy like.
I saw some of it.
He is unknowingly a Mac dude.
Repair work is a nice job.
It actually made me more interested
in what he has to offer.
Yeah man.
If you can hold it down like that.
Hold it down tough as hell.
Maybe I will tape my fucking mouth shut
or something like that.
Yeah dude.
Hey dude, get the sunlight
blast all your hoes on one quick email
Just like fucking text the girl in the it's one of those it's like a movie where like the girls realized they were being cheated
on and all got together and like
Put together that like he had sex with me this day and then he had sex with you And then it was Christmas. It's like shut up man like you guys got duped. Yeah, they got duped
He came through he smashed
It is what it is you got he smashed out
It's not it's nothing. It's not newsworthy
Like this you know this jacked famous guys getting a ton of pussy. It's like yeah. Yeah, I could guess that now you're telling me
That's when I realized I was gay
There are two moments with Tiger Woods. It was the South Park episode and then norms joke about it
I was like man. I'm being I'm being a dork. I'm being a white Karen
Happened I got that got a lot of people.
Just being like, I knew it.
Yeah, this guy acts like he's a perfectionist,
he's actually cheating on his wife.
And he still is a perfectionist, he's unbelievable at golf.
But yeah, that shit was crazy, I read it being like,
I was like, all right, this is gonna be some crazy dirt
in here, and I was like, yeah, he was just fucking ladies.
He was fucking a bunch of ladies. Was he married or anything? He wasn't even married. No. Yeah, he wasn't married
He was just he'd be like I love you so much. He probably the one thing he got him on there
He claimed he's not a sex addict. He's a love addict. I was like let's go
He said he was a love addict. I'm a love addict dude, and they would send him hot pictures, and he always respond mmm
The day they released the text we're all done respond mmm
I saw that I was like show me any man where they can interview a bunch of your exes and they could fucking shoot anyone out Of the sky yeah a 1x to be like you know what he did one time you'd be like
And then he said this to me is just like yeah, I'm fucked oh
Then he snatched the blankets off of me of out of a rage
Shit have you ripped blankets off lady?
You know what the fucking I was pissed the waiter with the leave the plates on I was sitting there. I was just like
Dude, when you're if you're like deep you're like in a relationship laying there cohabitating sinfully obviously, but it's like you're laying there and all of a sudden you're in bed next to someone
There's just like a fuck you like hatreds like emanating off of both of you
Then you're like I'm getting up and it's like why the fuck should I get up?
I shouldn't have to fuck my seat on the fucking couch
And I was just like grab the blankets and just pull them off as like this
You're gonna to be cold. God.
I forgot.
That's the worst feeling in the world.
Getting in like a serious fight and then having to lay in bed next to each other.
Fuck, dude. It's the worst.
Yeah. And you're sitting there and it's like you get fights like magnetism.
You can feel it just like emanating off and just like someone's foot comes over
and you're like, get off my foot.
Damn, I hope the diddler's okay
He's flying I think I went to the Dominican Republic or something down there
He's got a Haiti he needs to link with fucking true the gorillas. Here's the guy
Barbecue he's like a barbecue down it. There's no way barbecues still alive, right?
Isn't Haiti in the midst of a big revolt like a gang revolt? Yeah, he should have become president of Haiti
Look, we've turned a lot of wrongs into a right. He might be the strong man that nation needs. I
Figured barbecue would be dead by now. I
Know but I figured that would be they put him down
Because I've seen the revolution it's not it's not really a crack squad
Just fucking dudes run around with guns. Is this clanging machetes? Yeah
Yeah, machete machete combat's for real big in Haiti. Yeah, they practice like machete kung fu
It's very scary said the kid showed me a thing on that one time where they like there's like machete masters
It's their tradition dude. Yes fucking say how they use the machetes from the fields as slaves and they revolted. Yeah, man
I'm still all the frogs. They're still doing it. They've got a rich history of
There's the only slave revolt in the history of humanity that worked dude living in Haiti would be fucking wild
They did it. Do you think any of us could like just fully live there and hold it down?
You know, you get fucked up. I just watched a documentary on it. It's hell, dude. Yeah. Yeah, so most it's not
Isn't an island. Yeah, why is it such a chill island?
It's pretty bad, right? Yeah, they've always just never gotten help did everything about smoking weed like Jamaicans
They smoke weed. Did they smoke weed? Yeah, but they're also voodoo childs.
That's what I'm saying.
They got a little voodoo and they're wild down there.
They have a notorious rap for being like,
you know, if you come into like a Haitian father,
Haitian American fathers apparently,
very, very, very strict.
But the other half of the island's the Dominican Republic.
It's one island.
Oh, so the R against the D.R.
Hispaniola.
Oh, that's right, I forgot I was in the D.R.
You know, on the other side, you go to the D.R.
It's like, yeah, you got Sammy Sosa over there having fun.
True.
Hitting home runs.
But they hate each other though.
Definitely.
Oh, it's a beef, dude.
That's a real beef.
Because DR kind of like,
they look at Haiti like,
pfft, pfft, fucking bullshit.
You guys are kidding me, hitting home runs.
Yeah.
You guys don't have one big pile.
True, put those machetes down and pick up some bats.
They do need to pick up some baseball bats.
Bats and some chronic, dude.
It's the way out of the Caribbean.
It's either you get super chill on the crown
or you start crushing home runs.
They're all good, yeah.
Those are truly your two options.
Yeah.
You gotta get a nice swing down.
Or you hit the all-inclusive.
The all-inclusive's sick.
I'm gonna go, I'm gonna try to launch the Hait's sick. I'm gonna go, I might try to launch
the Haitian tourism.
I'm gonna show you, when we take a break,
the video of Haiti.
It's not, but you're gonna go, I'm never going there.
Dude, they never recovered from the earthquake.
I know.
And the Clintons came down and took all the money.
The Clintons went down and took all the damn kids.
They took all the kids and money.
They sent all their kids to Nickelodeon, dude.
The Clintons came down fucking.
Haiti just became Nickelodeon dude.
Yeah.
Rose went down. Mr. Handy was down there.
Didn't they get hit with a tsunami too?
They got hit with a tsunami in like.
I don't think they got hit with a tsunami.
They got hit with a tsunami in like 04.
Haiti's tsunami?
I don't think so man.
The Haitian tsunami?
Although you wouldn't need the biggest wave to take out Haiti.
Yeah, we sure as a snob, you could just been a sick wave.
I've been a big wave.
I don't I swear to God, I don't think that I follow Haitian news pretty closely.
I don't think there was a tsunami in 04.
Is there an earthquake in the Gulf of Mexico?
There was the quake in the Gulf?
Damn, what happened with that?
The ground split open?
Well, Lamar, look at your phone and tell us what happened.
Well, this is almost 250,000 people were killed in 2010.
Oh, in the earthquake. In the earthquake The earthquake damn they lost 250. Yes crazy
Do you know that you know the event that has the big the natural event that has the most?
casualties probably the tsunami in
Japan the one in
That hit like India and
Indonesia know it would know I remember of all time of all time of all time
Yes, the body count is the plague count. No, this is like a natural disaster
Krakatoa what was that? That was a Indonesian volcano
Could have been there was one there was an earthquake in China. I think that killed 750,000 that makes sense
Yeah, it was in like the year 1500.
Yeah.
That is, apparently that is the highest casualty
natural disaster.
Try to get to it with numbers that you're just like,
no way.
True, yeah.
They blew up a dam during World War II.
Did they?
Killed everybody.
In the flood?
Oh my God.
Starved everybody, they lost like 50 million people.
Oh my god.
In 1887, two million people died in a flood in China.
What?
That's the largest death toll from a natural disaster.
Oh my god.
Haiti, the 2010 earthquake in Haiti was 300,000.
That's number five on the list.
Damn.
Give us the list.
It was a good list.
China's got top two.
China's going wild.
China's got the Yellow River flood of 1887,
and then the Tangshan earthquake.
That's the Tangshan earthquake.
So I was wrong.
There was a flood that got two million.
1976?
1976 was the Tangshan earthquake,
and it was 655,000, 100,000.
Maybe that's what I was thinking of it at the time good Lord
that's fucking not stand well now it's Bangladesh but at the time it was
Pakistan in the 70s had a five hundred thousand death cyclone oh and then the
Haiti earthquake is number four damn dude if it's true that there was like
government officials
that went down there and stole kids,
that'd be, you imagine like picking through the wreckage
of like a basically apocalyptic event.
You're just like moving stones and like grabbing kids
and just fucking like kissing their hair and stuff.
That's fucking crazy.
I found one.
That's fucking nuts.
If that, if true, shame on them.
China had an even bigger one in
1931 four million died in a flood
Really? Yeah, but was that the one they blow up the dam? I'm not sure it says the 1931 China floods
In Wuhan. Oh shit, really? Yeah the first
Yeah, that's why it's a wet market. It was the breach of the markets got wet.
Sure.
They never recovered.
I mean, that much water.
I think how long that take to dry forever.
Yeah.
Natural disasters are crazy.
You know, the scale of like the numbers.
They're always so scary.
2 million dead.
Yeah.
For the what?
Four in that one.
4 million.
4 million.
Because because a damn broke. Yeah. Four. The what? Four in that one. Four milli. Four milli.
Cause a dam broke.
Yeah.
Oh.
So how do you die in a flood?
Like, I guess it's the sheer volume of the water
that sweeps you under.
Or you just can't, you only swim so long.
Debris, I guess.
Yeah.
Everywhere, you just-
It's all the debris from it.
Yeah, you get-
Your whole neighborhood turns into a super deep lake
and it's just like, how long can you tread for?
They didn't have like helicopters and shit probably no have you seen the Japanese
tsunami footage yes they were a little bit of that it's fucking crazy very scary yeah it's
sad yeah it's very scary there's some funny ones though you get some funny
ones out of it there's one guy on the roof he was like oh no my car it's cool
there's one video it's like fast-forwarded but you see a car like driving up to it, seeing
the water coming and it like hits a three point turn and flies away.
It's very funny.
That would be kind of satisfying though if you didn't get away from it.
Yeah.
We were in Lafette about that yesterday with the bridge, just the one, there's eight people
on the bridge in Baltimore.
Yeah, we were just drinking and driving just being like shit. I'm
This fuck the air right now
Just trying to hit the gas really hard
Yeah making it would just go finally I am Vin Diesel I'm gonna fucking jump this
There was what like six people were on the bridge?
Eight.
Oh, six are like, damn man, on the bridge.
That's so fucking scary.
How the fuck did the boat hit the bridge?
Cyber attack.
True.
No, I think a boat just lost power and hit it.
Jesus Christ.
I love the Twitter people just like,
a boat hitting it would not collapse the bridge.
This is an inside job.
It's like, it's a pretty old fucking bridge.
That was a big ass boat dude.
I think that it looked pretty legit.
I saw the video.
I think it hit the columns of it too.
Yeah.
Boats don't melt steel beams.
They don't.
That was, yeah. That was a bomb bomb no dude they want us to fail truly wants to go into Delaware or Baltimore and raid it
they have a
apparently they're saying that Putin's trying to claim that the
Ukrainians were the ones who ran it up in the party. That's convenient
Yeah, like Putin trying to claim that the Ukrainians did that it's like
It's funny like they're gonna use this to justify invading the country, and I'm like no
What are they doing that's crazy yeah, they're using a terror attack a terror attack to invade a country they already tried to invade
No, that sounds fucking like something we wouldn't do that's crazy
I think we're aren't we trying to do that right now again, maybe or no is that we trying to invade anywhere right now?
Yeah, we're trying probably in Iran. We're trying to get up in Iran's business. We've been fucking with Iran
Yeah, true, but they've been yapping dude. They yeah, they do they deserve
They do it is a little yeah, not a war. We don't want to know that war, but they deserve like you know
Yeah, we're good guys know what for that must be nice. So now they don't know where the good guys
It's gotta be cool as a country though every now and again just like totally firing up another country
It's like fuck in the news like well fuck. I ran up North Korea does it all the time. They do
Just like yo, you're lucky. We don't beat the fuck
And everyone's like dude you guys aren't gonna do shit
Shut up
No Korea is just a fucking insane person. Yeah, it is. They're like the homeless guy on the train
It's just yelling at everybody's face and everyone's like, alright, just ignore them. They throw something it goes like four feet
Yeah, hey, come on man. Don't throw any more stuff. You're getting on our nerves
We're gonna have to come over there and kill 10 million people. What would it take for you guys to chill the fuck out?
They're like Dennis Rodman. Yeah
What do you need Dennis Rodman right now sure we need a basketball game
Yeah
Yeah, well now like with the like if you're food can
we get a sandwich yeah we'll give you guys food the poor people ruin all the
food again it's all their fault fucking idiots man me some more food eating too
much fucking so greedy don't they hit him with like it they're all like
national diets they're like I think it's like there I mean rations really yeah I
think you can only have so much Cuba's on the rations.
Cubans are?
Cuba's on the rations right now too.
They're hitting some home runs though.
There's some guys down there.
I know, but right now, dude I'm telling you,
I've seen videos where they're like,
we're not eating enough.
They want some fucking, they want some sandwiches dude.
They want the puerca.
They need it dude.
They can't get the puerca right now down in Cuba.
They're on some, some bullshit right now.
I'm telling you, everywhere is fucked right now.
That was a, what a week.
What a bad week.
It is surprising how quiet the news is
on the terror attack in Russia.
Yeah, well.
Yeah, they talked about it, maybe a little bit,
but yeah, I get all the news from Twitter,
so I don't really know.
Where's everybody's Facebook icons that,
remember when France got hit with ISIS attack?
They got burned alive.
That was, yeah.
They lit a place on fire and shot it up
while people were burning.
People were like, well, they're the enemy.
It was like, damn, dude.
Yeah, you're right, I didn't hear a single thing
of like how terrible, this is so terrible.
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That guy was high as fuck.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Get in here.
Hello everybody.
Get in front of the camera.
I'm coming.
Gam up.
You know that.
Sit on the table and face the camera.
I will.
Thank you.
Hello everyone.
If you can come to my show at Helium
in Philadelphia April 10th
I'd appreciate it and then me Nate and Lamar now that Nate's here. We all run the show together
Yeah, I'm not this it'll be sick also a drip I'm still doing drip drip at the stand
I'm still doing drip. I'm going back. I'm plugging my thing to now that you pass the mic
I'm still doing drip. I'm going back. I'm plugging my thing too. Now that you passed the mic
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Bye.
I still, I can't understand why we wanna fight with Russia.
I just don't understand it.
I don't get it either.
What is the beef, dude?
Did you watch the Tucker Chris Cuomo?
No, I heard it was good.
Dude, it's so good.
Was it you saying it was good?
Yeah, I sent it to you.
I didn't send it to you, I told you to watch it.
But dude, it's for real.
They sit down and the whole time Cuomo's like, I I can fucking beat your ass if I want but they're like
They're fucking around and it's very funny. He's like I could fucking fold you up
That's the one thing that's kind of annoys me about like Cuomo and like
What's his name? Who's the black dude that was?
Don't lemon don't alone don't alone
They're just they're making their own things now and and they're like, now we need free press.
Now more, it's like you guys were the worst ones.
I know.
You're the ones we need to get rid of.
Don't just because you got fired.
He's the bro about it.
I've noticed he's been the bro, but it's like.
He's the bro about it, but Don Lemon
got fucking straight up fired from a.
Don Lamone.
Don Lamone trying to grab Eli Mosdick, dude.
He's trying to fucking diddle it.
Dude, he was the hot dog. He went to the moan trying to grab Eli Moss dick. He was trying to fucking diddle it.
Dude, he was a hot dog.
He went to the Hamptons and hit him with a hot dog.
Hot diggity dog on a fucking waiter in the Hamptons.
Yeah, he was asking me, he was like,
so how are you going to stop white supremacy on Twitter?
Yeah, give me that.
What else do you guys sell here other than rocket ships and cars?
Hot dogs, come here.
You might have hit him with a three, two, one blast off.
But yeah, dude, that interview sucked of him
just being like.
I'd like to see the full interview.
I haven't seen it.
I've watched it.
There's the full interviews out?
Well, Lemon.
I've seen the clips.
Lemon released a huge long thing.
Oh really?
Yeah, but it sucks.
It is real like watching CNN again
Yeah, he's been a little snarky bitch to a guy who's like up. You can have a show if you want. Yeah, here you go
He's like I want like people to be able to get them gonna get you and he was just like
Well, what do you show him like the Jewish like caricature meme? What do you think about this? And he's like, yeah, okay
Yeah, just take it down right now. and he's like dude nobody sees that yeah
He's like it's I'm dealing with 55 million uploads every day
Whatever it is and he was like you guys print ten fucking stories. He's of course you can curate. He's like I can't
He's like if it's if nobody's seeing it. He's like okay as long as it doesn't fucking violate the law
He's like if it's illegal. I'll take it down. It's not illegal if it's mean
So be it. Yeah
But yeah, it was like him being well, why don't you take it down then look at it?
Look how mean that is. It's like dude. You're the one showing that over and over stop
It was like for real the fucking like the classic
4chan Jewish drawing and Don Lemon showed it like fucking 50 times. It's like dude stop showing it chill don't relax dog
But the Cuomo and Tucker ones nice cuz it's like
Cuomo's like you were a fucking dick to me and he was like
I saw that clip. Yeah, dude when he when they show Tucker going in on them, it's in Tucker's big
Yeah, my wife is like I know you're better than that. He goes, but I'm not
But I have an asshole
Yeah, he it's it is is genuinely it sounds kind of hokey
But it was kind of refreshing to watch those dudes like just talk and like be normal and then like dude ego in about
Just like women stuff and then Tucker's like dude stop I he's like I can't deal with people being like there's no difference between men and women
He's like we should be protecting them dude. They're beautiful
We should protect our beautiful women and the quote was like there's some girls I could what my ass and talkers like dude
Like like MMA athletes he's like alright come on man. Yes, you know what I'm talking about
He's like anyway, and they would they do like hard cuts on that a lot too
But him those two just being like fucking around with each other and Cuomo being like I mean I could just fucking
Destroy you if I wanted to Tucker be like
It was just it was funny to watch them be like their actual selves rather than being like reporting live
They're just talking shit. It was never forgive Cuomo for him and Don Lemon. I was watching it during during the peaceful protests
Oh, yeah Every night cuz their shows were back to back they would end each
show by talking to each other. Like Cuomo would end his show into Don
Lamone's. Yeah. They would both go on and they would be like I love you brother.
Cuomo kept trying to be like I love you so much man. Don Lamaman would be like, you know, okay Today's news racism again
My turn
But yeah
He Cuomo talked about how like when they fired him that was he was so bought into like being on that network and he
Was pissed and he was like asking Tucker like how did you deal with getting fired? He was like, I didn't give a fuck
Yes, like I knew I'd get fired eventually. He's like, why would you care? I was like cuz that was like my job
I'm like a loser now. He's like a total meathead. Yeah, he's like, I'm like a fuck you. Look up my name
He's like Chris Cuomo fired
He's like, yeah, the talkers like I've been fired like five times. He faked having Cove it
He's like I've been quarantining my basement
There's a video of you outside
He's not even live filmed him emerging from his basement. He was jogging
He goes fucking I was working out. It's like I gotta work out
Tucker's like yeah, but you didn't wear a mat you were bitching to everyone to wear a mask and you're out running
He goes yeah, but I'm jogging. It's like so that's that's it's a deadly disease. You're ready to use like look man
It was but he would be like I get it. I totally get it
He wasn't like like the lemon move is like I'm 1 million percent right
Everything you say is wrong Cuomo at least it does seem like the bro. Yeah, he also could just this is
New skin it could be a skin. He's like, oh, I'm an internet free thinker now. Okay. Yeah, I'm a free thinker
I'm the intelligent but he is nice the intellectual Tucker Tucker was big up in him because he stuck by his bro. He's like look
I don't agree with your brother did but he's like that's your family, dude
You can't turn on your family then I was like yes kind of he's Italian bro. Yeah, it was familiar
There's his familiar just familiar
Damn, that would be crazy if he actually did turn the knife. He's like my brother's
I love you dog
What did he do?
He was like a boob
He was just a dude
You hug your aunt in Italy dude
You fucking honker tits
Kiss her neck
Damn that whole squad they had going
Fell apart
It was good good
That was for real good
CNN was good good They had so many good, good, good. They loved Dr. Fauci.
He was-
Well, once you're in that mode of like identifying-
It was so sick during the pandemic.
Which ones?
Oh, they were all stars, dude.
Nurses were up there with them.
Nurses making TikToks.
Dude, go back and watch those.
It's haunting.
Yeah, they're crazy.
It's very scary.
Like the nurses doing weird dances.
You ever see the ones where like when nurses lose patients, a nurse in the hallway
on themselves with sad music.
What the fuck? I'd be so pissed if my family member died
and the nurse went out and filmed themselves like,
well, I got to get myself back up. I can't, you know.
I mean, funny if they filmed breaking the news to you.
Just being like, yeah, this is the hardest part of my job.
Your dad's dead.
Your dad's fucking dead.
That's a good sketch.
A really good sketch is walking into the hallway,
like leaving the room where your parent just died.
And you open the door and a nurse is going,
you notice a camera.
You're like, what the fuck are you doing?
They'd have to be like, oh? What the fuck are you doing?
They'd have to be like, oh, I'm so sorry.
They'd have to break their fake character.
They're just filming you and your family.
Look how sad they are.
So hard.
You just have a mask on.
But yeah, dude, I mean, when you exist in that realm
of like, we're gonna start witch hunting everybody,
it naturally is going to start, you're gonna start viewing all your coworkers
through that lens, you're gonna be like,
it just falls apart, you can't do that.
Dude, the shame, I was thinking about this yesterday
when I was reading the Hube's article,
the shame apparatus we've put together,
the medieval church would just drool over it.
The ability, we can shame someone across the globe
in just four seconds, just being like,
adulterer
Everyone's like oh what a piece of shit. I can't believe they're a piece of shit. I don't get one thing
I don't get is the muskete
Dude, I can't stand it. I don't understand what the hate is. I don't understand
It's like the dude sunk a ton of his own money into Twitter
I think he got the Twitter files kind of unleashed and all that stuff
he like bought it so he could show all the the slants and shit
They were doing and people were like his fucking parents own a diamond mind. It's like, okay
That's not the best
It's like hey man, you know, what the fuck you I mean we all gotta get engaged
Yeah, we're gonna need that rock. Yeah, I don't get you want to give your wife a lab-grown diamond
No, you need a blood diamond. Let's win. Yes
But women love that shit, too. Yeah, they go. Oh my god a slave got this for me
Let's know a slave died a slave died getting me this ring that I can show my bitch friend
My slave worked harder than yours mine's bigger
My slave worked harder than yours. Mine's bigger
They love not dude, that's the I've been watching a lot of Cinderella recently and I've been getting
Dude, it's all it goes. It's all that goes on in my house. I've watched
It's funny. I've watched the original
Like Disney animated one. I've watched now. There's a new one. What's going on the new one, dude? How have the wokes so the the wokes took over the who's the fucking who's that lady?
Camila Cabello, she's like a pop star
She did one where that's total woke stairs, dude. The mind virus is all over that
She doesn't care all the prints you try to start a business and they're like women can't have businesses and she's like I want to make clothes
But then she eventually she does marry the prince but like she has to she has to accept that she has a business around
It's crazy. They that one is absolutely fucking not so fuck. Oh, it's crazy dude. That one is fucked
Cinderella has to she wants to be a business lady. She shows me a business lady dude in like medieval Europe
She wants to be a business lady and it's like it's all like, you know, the whole crowds like everybody listen up It's all it's all like I'm the Newtown cryer. Hey y' lady. And it's all like, the whole crowd's like, everybody listen up.
It's all like, I'm the Newtown Cryer.
Hey y'all, it's fucking like, just whatever.
It's just corny as fuck.
And then it's the whole thing is just her being like,
I wanna start a business.
Why can't I?
I was like, women can't start businesses.
And the prince is like.
This is medieval Europe.
The prince is like, I love you, I want you to live with me.
And she's like, no, I want to start.
I want to sell fucking clothing.
It's like, yeah, OK. Limited to you're going to work at limited
to you're going to fucking marry a king.
It's like, shut the fuck up.
So then like, yeah, it's like fucking total bullshit.
Forever 21 working for 21.
But then the other one is just the straight up fairy tale. And tale and you know you watch like Hercules and all these like heroes
That's like the hero myth where it's like you go
You're like you're getting fucked up you beat this thing like all right the women myth the woman myth is like
You're kind of just like shitty, and you have a bad job
Sisters that are like you'll never be
Mean sisters and a mean mom,
and your dad's just, there's no dad.
There's always just mean moms.
Dad's fucking dead, and he was so nice to you.
And then the turning point of the female fairy tale
is that you walk into a ball,
and you're the prettiest in the ball,
and everyone goes, oh, who's that?
She's hot.
And then the most powerful man in the room
takes you and dances with you for everyone, and then you're like,
I have to go.
And then he finds out, you know, it just,
He finds you.
That seems to be like the apex.
That's the dragon for them.
It's just them being, and all the other girls being like,
ugh, and she's like, I'm so pretty and innocent and nice.
Yeah, I was like, damn, that's fucked up.
It's pretty crazy.
But it is, dude, for women, it's like, be nice and be hot. Yeah. Dudes are like, be brave. For women, they're like, damn, that's fucked up. It's pretty crazy. But it is, dude, for women, it's like,
be nice and be hot.
Dudes are like, be brave.
For women, they're like, be nice and be hot.
Be brave sucks, though, too.
Be brave sucks.
You gotta fight a bunch of wolves.
Yeah, dude, I mean, the stories are sick.
The stories are cool, but they resonate with us.
Yeah, they're here with us.
Because we're bros, dude, we fucking wanna fight wolves.
Exactly.
But girls want that, you know what I mean? They have to be nice, that's the challenge. Yeah, but we have to be brave, dude. I'd rather dude. We fucking want to fight wolves exactly, but girls want that you know they have to be nice
That's the challenge you know we have to be brave
You know that'd be nice than fucking have to fight the high kids be nice and you have to be nice and hot
Or you'd be an old fairy god jacked and brave
Be so jacked and brave
True you have to go to war dude. Yeah, true
Now if Cinderella you have to deal with like a bitchy stepmom
Or you another another good tale is the reluctant king
Yeah, another good dude hierarchy or whatever that word is. Yeah, I don't want to be king hierarchies
Not it, but you know what I mean? I don't you mean archetype. Yeah, I don't want to be I don't I have to be the leader
Even though I don't want to I want to explore the world. Yeah, it's like the mayor's journey
True from fucking rags to king of the mothership.
From rags to the party man.
Yeah, from rags to pool house.
Miss a good time.
King of the good times, dude.
What did you do last night, Lamiz?
You snuck off.
Yeah, I just dipped early.
What'd you do?
I went to get some sleep.
Oh, nice.
Sleep?
Yeah, I came home, slept.
Yeah, you need some sleep. You've been gr Sleep? Yeah, I came home, slept. Yeah, you need some sleep.
You've been grumpy.
Yeah.
Are you in a funk, man?
Huh?
Are you in a funk?
Just like, I'm getting better.
I feel better.
You're just emotional?
Yeah.
It's that time of year.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's the end of the winter.
The springs are gonna completely sweep you off your feet, dude.
Dude.
Oh, look at that. You're gonna be swept off your feet.
You're gonna be in love with the world.
Dude, spring is sprung.
You're gonna get so sprung.
You're gonna get so hot immediately.
I can't imagine.
I saw the, there was a bit of a glow up last night.
I saw you with that vest on.
You looked handsome.
I could tell you had been passed at the mothership.
You were glowing.
I didn't know. You were glowing.
I didn't know. Nate was sad.
There was sad Nate last night.
Why was Nate sad?
I don't know. He was sad.
Yeah, well, he probably didn't love, you know,
he went out there his first time.
I was telling Nate, dude, that's.
I thought he did well.
I heard he did. He did well.
Yeah. But if you're in your head
while you're doing something, it's you're like,
if anything didn't work, that's what I think about.
But yeah, he was I texted him today and complimented my second job, bro
It's fucking very very difficult to do that for the first time especially when I was telling him he was an NPC mode
Dude my first two months in that green room every say I've watched all of you
For of course, I've done it
The first time you're in the green room and Rogan walks in, you enter the NPC, every, you guys leave,
which is very fun to watch.
Second he walks in and I watch both of them like,
we flee the sea again.
Slick off dude.
Down to Mitzi's, down to start drinking again.
We flee.
The second Rogi's walk in.
Secret refuge at the pub.
It's the king.
See the rats jump the ship into the sea.
You go full NPC mode. Dead silent, just sit in the room. the rats jump the ship into the Philadelphia. There's some liquid deaths in the fridge. I like what you did with the place.
Wow, this club is beautiful.
Wow, this club is any time they press a repeat it.
Yeah, we've just get out of NPC mode.
It took me five months.
It takes a while. And then I was his name was there last night.
Joey Diaz, the whole put you in MPC.
Yeah, he got, I've like, I love that dude for a long time.
I saw him last night and it was just like, what's up dude?
I didn't want to be like, it's so funny.
He's gonna be like, dude, you're the fucking man.
Yeah, there's just so many things.
You're like, I have so many options.
All of them will mostly probably result
in just total embarrassment.
It's so embarrassing saying them.
When you're in MPC and you try to break out.
It's even worse, it's even worse when you try.
I remember the first time I met Kurt Metzger,
I was in MPC.
I was just staying next to him and I was like,
are, do you have a new special coming out?
And he was like, what?
Walked away and I was like, oh no.
One time when I met Atel,
we was in New York and you were in the hallway.
Atel crushed me the first time.
Oh, God, dude.
I think he completely, I think he looked,
I said, I don't remember what I said to him,
but he looked at me, it was just like,
nope, and just kept going.
I was like, dude, fuck.
I was outside, just made Chris Rock laugh inside.
I was like, I'm the king, dude.
Yeah.
Walked outside, I was like, you got an extra dude. Yeah walk that's I was like you got an extra cigarette
and he was just like
Think I could do that
He is so kill you dude. I already murdered this weekend
Yeah, motherfucking chip at the Mahadra everything he says is funny
Yeah, he said he's sent it to a new level where it's for real,
every line that comes out of his mouth,
I'm like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
I did a lot of shows with him at the cellar we were always on
and he would get off stage and go wild, dude.
There'd be times he'd get off and be like,
oh, was it a good crowd, Shane?
And start slapping the walls and just run outside
and be like, oh my God.
If you walked in the room while he was on stage, he'd kill me every time I'd walk in and be
like, Shane, you must have had a good set. You're hanging
around. That must be nice doing stand up by the time when
you're like 50. Yeah, you see young people coming. You get
the you know, they're all NPC that boy You have a fuck you looking at there
Shit oh fuck
Bobby Lee's also an NPC destroyer yeah, he's brutal because it's very funny
But he'll come in and I like see a guy and just be like what are you nervous, bro?
This is a big deal, and it's like it's the funniest thing in the world
Voss will get you bosses that yeah Voss man does that every single time he walks in the room
He's like what are you looking at stupid?
Are you a fucking middle act in Philadelphia you think you're big time?
Voss got you nice. What do you do? I was hammered and Steve Ronaldo was here
They all wanted to go to the Creek.
And I was like, yeah, the Creek's going.
They have a show going.
You can go do the show if you want.
And he was like, oh yeah, can I go do the show?
You think I could go do the fucking show?
He started yelling at me.
He was like, thanks for letting me know.
It was like, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Mr. Voss.
I'm sorry, Mr. Voss.
Shit.
Yeah, but sometimes when you're in NPC mode, you're in your head, you're being like, I'm just a Mr. Voss. I'm sorry, Mr. Voss. Shit. Yeah, but sometimes when you're in NPC mode,
in your head you're being like, I'm just a strong silent type.
I'm just a strong silent type.
I'm so mysterious right now.
Meanwhile, you're just on a couch.
Shogging beer.
You're nervous.
I want my sixth beer.
I'll drink like 10.
I gotta go on stage next. Fuck. Oh, yeah. I for drink like I'm going to go on stage next.
Fuck. Oh, yeah.
I for real. When it's my turn, I just stand by the stage for like 10 minutes.
I just wait the whole the dude set in front of me.
I just wait behind that curtain the whole time.
It's like it's time to do comedy now.
Hello, crowd.
Yeah, that is the fun.
Chicago was sick.
Motherfucking Schalzberg improv. I spaz to a dude fully fucking I
They do fully triggered me on stage. He was just he kept just going. Whoa after every fucking word
You know, it was just like ha ha come on
He wouldn't stop if I fucking spare China we We're just trying to do show man. Thanks
I know you're having fun, but please I
Appreciate the fuck I
Appreciate the level of stoke the level of stoke. I'm like that's awesome, but it was for real every fucking sentence you go wow
Now go
Fine I'm fine. That's it was this show or like all of Brittany's family was there
There was I was sitting there just like I was on a bed of nails just like fuck fuck
Those you know who's the worst that the the laugher from the stand?
You know that guy wears full he wears like full make America great again gear no he sits in the corner at the stand and
scream laughs He'll fuck it if I walk in the room and see him. I'm like, I said this is a wash
Yeah, the set's over. He's joking. He joking laughs is loud like the loudest you've ever heard
Ruins every set he's having fun though. Yeah, this dude was having fun
But it was yeah, it fully fucking it annihilated me if it mentally I did everything was fine
But I was just sitting there the whole time like do this it was like a fucking ice pick in my brain every year
I'll be trying to think of something. It was like I'd hear that shrieking is big
Yeah, that'll shut you down also to apparently uh
There is there was a vaping epidemic going on
People were vaping so hard that the management had
AJ, the host, had to make a vaping, an anti-vaping announcement
in the beginning, which I'm like, dude, that sucks for you.
Really funny.
He had to come out in the beginning like, oh, could you guys not vape so hard?
But yeah, the vapes were flying there.
Look who it is. Sad boy.
Sad boy. You're so sad. I'm it is. Sad boy. Sad boy.
You're so sad.
I'm not sad no more.
Huh?
Oh, Nate just joined us.
All right, all right.
Nate Marshall joined us.
Let's switch over to the Patreon.
Let's go to the motherfucking Patreon.
Let's chat with Nate.
Nathan.
I don't know, if you're not sad, just.
You better not be sad.
I'm not sad.
Give these motherfuckers a taste, dude.
Okay.
Right here. Just sit right there. Sit right there. Right there, right, right here just sit right there. I'm the last five
Sit on the table and face the camera. Yeah, they give me that I think yeah
Are y'all fucking with me? No, no frill just give it just no don't see us out don't
Motherfuckers whether missing in the page sit on the table just
Action we need to go don't feel we need to
Call it action big guys join us in the patreon. You're the newest awesome. This is humiliation ritual
Do you want Joe Rogan to like you take your clothes off?
Everybody does it in the house of the news tell them the news. What's the news tell them what's going on?
Why y'all doing this? Oh, take us out. Yo guys. She isn't the motherfucking patreon say patreon family. Take us out
Oh, all right. I want to see your call to action chops. I got no I don't what does that mean?
What oh
PITM call to action. Uh
No, don't even bother go on Nate. Let's go. I don't like what y'all are doing to me
You don't have to do it if you don't want to what do I I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Oh, everybody go to the fucking patreon. Are you gonna, do you have any fun stories to tell us?
Nothing.
Come on, man.
Did you cut your thumbnails before you came over here?
No, I did it last night.
I did it last night.
I forget who, did you call it out?
Did you say something?
Damn, he had a vicious thumbnail going?
I did.
Every once in a while, I'll let that thing go.
I always let it go.
I wanna control, dude.
I've seen it, dude, the alien nails. nails alright. Well, let's go to the page. Oh, yeah