Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-18-24
Episode Date: March 18, 2024Bill rambles about St. Patrick's day, bear claw donuts, and which TV character he'd like to be. Sticker Giant: Go to www.StickerGiant.com/BURR and use code BURR at checkout to get 25% off your firs...t order. Policy Genius: Head to www.policygenius.com/BILLBURR or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.
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Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 18th, 2022,
4, 2024.
My God, where the hell am I right now?
2024. Did you have a good Saint Patty's Day?
This seems like the longest Saint Patrick's Day
of recent memory, just because I was in Detroit last week
and they celebrated on the 10th.
So even though I was like,
I know this isn't Saint Patrick's Day,
by them celebrating it, it was like, you know what? Right?
Anyway,
I don't know what happens tonight.
Somebody asked me if I wanted to know if I wanted to come down and do a St.
Patrick's Day show tonight. It's Sunday right now, St.
Patrick's Day, and I was like, absolutely not.
I am not fucking going down there for that stupid ass green shit.
A bunch of people that were over served.
I don't even know if that happens anymore.
I have to admit, I feel like this generation is a lot more like relaxed
than generations previously, because I feel like there's so many drugs that
are just kind of legal that there's really no like, you know, I got to meet
my guy and I got to get this shit and we got to go off into a fucking dark corner and do it.
And then we can't be too fucked up, but we want to keep our high going. So we got to sneak some of this shit in.
It's like none of that stuff anymore. None of that stuff happens, seems to happen anymore. It's just like you can fucking you know, they got
these gummies man and you can just like eat them and you can experiment with them at home
to know like what's to a you know, I'm going to go out tonight. How about five milligrams?
I'll be relaxed, you know, a little glass of wine and then I'm done, you know, or they're
just like, you know, can cook up my own meth. I watched enough Breaking Bad, you know, take a couple of hits, lose a tooth.
And then, then I go out, you know, broken smile.
Maybe some chick thinks I have, you know, I'm interesting that I have some of a story to tell rather than I'm just a drug abuser.
You know, let's try this out. Let's, let's see how this works. So I just don't think it's going to be like that.
What I remember St. Patrick's day to be, which was a lot of like people getting pulled over
for drinking and driving puddles of puke on the sidewalk.
Those green plastic, what do you call those Derby hats blowing down the alley.
What do you call those derby hats blowing down the alley?
It's some pasty Irish chick with fucking bruised knees come staggering out.
That's the St. Patrick's day that I remember. So anyway, I am, um,
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm fucking, I'm with my son today. My wife's out with my daughter So me and my son have just been like hanging out
Having like a total fucking guy day
You know, he wrote his little balance bike that he calls his motorcycle. We played some drums. We played some guitar
Speaking of which did you hear Sam Sam Ash is going out of business?
Cause sweet water and guitar center are like owned by the
same people.
It's just every fucking thing.
It goes down to that.
They put out all a lot of the mom and pop music stores.
Although I feel like those things can survive where when you're like a corporation, you have a bunch of locations, but you're not the corporation you eventually.
You eventually get taken out or fucking bought out whatever. But somebody just told me that and I drove by. I did a set last night at the comedy store.
And.
I had such a fucking great time.
Did two sets down there last night, just fucking around,
stupid ideas tied in with shit that I'm already working on.
And I'm very excited, very excited.
I'm doing, want this next special to be,
you know, I want it to be my best one.
I mean, why, why else, why else keep doing them?
Well, I don't know, Bill, maybe then you'd have to get a fucking real job.
Maybe, maybe, maybe that's what it is.
Um, so anyway, um, I actually got caught up, believe it or not, with all the racing.
I watched both F1 races and I watched the Moto GP race. So
I am all caught up in that world. My son has been driving me and my wife nuts because,
you know, he's a little, he's a strong guy and he's decided I'm done with diapers and
I'm not wearing them at night. And we're like, dude, you got to wear them because it's eight hours.
We know you're party trained, but he's just like, listen, I'm not having this.
All right.
Everybody else is wearing big boy and big girl underwear to bed.
So am I, you know, he wants to catch up.
So occasionally, most times it works.
Occasionally there's accidents.
So, you know, the other night I actually was like sick too.
So I woke up and he doesn't know how to blow his nose yet.
And it was just next thing you know, old freckles is out in his car at like two in the morning,
half dressed, half pajamas, trying to find a 24 hour pharmacy, which I ended up finding
and I'm going into a hospital and
I asked, you know, I asked them for what I wanted and they're like, there's big fucking
wall of drugs.
Every color box, every fucking thing ever.
And they're like, yeah, we don't have that.
I'm looking at the wall.
I'm like, you don't have all of that shit over there?
You don't have some, you know,
you have a little bit of an ear thing.
So I got any, you got any ear drops or anything like that?
It's like, we don't, all we have is for ear wax.
It's like, I feel like I came in here
and I was missing an ear.
You have something on that fucking shelf
that I could grow one in a Petri dish
and glue it onto the side of my head
so I could go to work in the morning.
That's the amount of drugs you have on that wall. You don't have fucking ear drops, isn't that basic shit?
That's right up there with the...
...conf's syrup. I didn't say any of that shit. I just looked at it and I just walked away, dejected.
Took a big time loss.
I just found a CVS. What the hell did I end up getting?
Kids something or other.
I don't know what the fuck it, what was it?
I can't remember what it was like kid nightquill or something like that,
which is sort of like, it's like the, you know, Miller light of nightquill.
Miller light of Nyquil.
It's got less calories, you know,
half as much chemicals as the adult one to make you complacent and not question things.
I love when people blame the government for the lack of passion out there.
Like it's not really just all of these amazing inventions, you know,
that you can just fucking anywhere you want. You can just watch something.
This video of everything, you know,
I mean the fact that I can basically Google any animal on the planet and watch
it have a fight to the death with its, its main rival.
I mean, I'll be honest with you. That's how I, you know,
when it's not football season, that's how I get through it. When I miss football, I'll just be like, like what attacks an anteater? And didn't realize that those things have like basically,
you know, mini bear claws on each fucking foot. I'm not talking about the doughnut,
all right? You fat bastard. Listen to the podcast. I'm not talking about food. I'm talking
to me. Um, oh dude, I'll tell you right now. I am like I'm like a dry drunk when it comes to donuts
You get me a fucking maple fucking donut not the round one the one shaped like a cock
That's how much your whore
To sugar, you know what? I just dunk it don't you can't dunk them in there round
You want the fuck straight up and down, it goes right into the fucking coffee.
Right?
Does that make me gay?
If it does, I don't wanna be straight, honey!
That and a fucking bear claw.
Anytime I go in and I just go in for the coffee
when I'm back East, when I'm visiting your family back East
and I walk into a Dunkin Donuts and
You know when you come walking and you see somebody sitting up at the fucking bar like a day drinker
But they're having a doughnut and there's a good four inches of ass crack hanging out at the top of their fucking pants
You don't even need to peek around their fucking fat shoulders
You know what's in front of them. It's a fucking bear claw.
You know, it almost looks like a house like that.
Like, you know, when they hire like some weirdo painter or some shit to
like design a house and it's always round and it has to be something
different so they can just show like how outside the box they're thinking. Um,
like that's like the kind of house, oh, that'd be fucking hilarious.
Like if the person that, if they commissioned them to make a house and the person that commissioned them
were overweight, so they made like a giant, it looks,
the house looks like a bear claw, but not really, but like subliminally it does.
And then you just put it up on stilts and, so it almost looks like I could, like a donut trophy.
And then like the, the,
the fat person that commissioned it, you know,
would absolutely love the house, but couldn't,
would never quite be able to put his finger on it.
His fat finger on why he loved this house until the first snow.
When it gets a nice dusting and it looks like powdered sugar and he goes,
holy shit, this guy may be a bear claw donut fucking house.
And I would love to call him up right now and give him a piece of my mind,
but I am salivating so much right now. I have to go out and get some donuts.
Then he goes out, right? With his fucking half clothes, half pajamas on.
You know, when we pass each other in the night,
I'm going out looking for Kid Nyquil
and he's going out looking for the first bear claw
to be made the following day.
to be made the following day.
We both stop at a red light, our eyes meet.
There's a connection. Sorry, I was making independent film about that.
Anyway, let's talk about racing here.
I haven't watched F1 forever because Lewis Hamilton and Mercedes were too good and he
would just get out in front and then I would just sit there bored out of my fucking mind
watching the races.
And right as I tapped out, a fella named Max Verstappen came along and evidently he's won the last three years.
I thought he won two years in a row.
I didn't realize it was three years in a row and I watched both races and it's kind of
more of the same, but there are things that I do like about it.
Um, number one, whatever the fuck Hulkenberg was doing on the last race was absolutely
hilarious. Running people into walls, turning his fucking steering wheel like,
did I do that?
And then holding up four fucking people for his teammate,
whatever was going on there, that was fantastic.
I also like the green machine slash Hulk torso colored F1 car,
even though it's really tacky.
What's great about it is they're usually in the middle of the pack
So when you look at the leader grid
You can kind of you can see the people right before and right after that person and just look for that green car
Right as it goes out of frame and you can see, you know
Kind of how far back people in eighth and ninth position are Moto GP is the same way
with those bright yellow bikes
that they have, which look, I would never want to want to motorcycle that color, but
I got to tell you that whatever his name is Francesco DG and G G I a n and a n t o n i o with di in a space in front
of it DG and non tonio he was running like eighth or ninth so I could see like
how far back eight ninth was from the first writers or whatever but a lot of
new colors and it was just fucking great.
And I would say that that MotoGP race, I'm telling you guys, that's the racing you want
to watch if you're into passing and all of that.
And there's this, there's this new kid out there.
What the fuck is his name?
Pedro Acosta, another Spaniard on a motorcycle and 19 years old, his first MotoGP race and he goes out
there like it's still Moto2. He's not intimidated by anybody. He's tearing through the field through
the first 15 laps that got him all the way up to the front four, which was Pekka, Brad Binda,
the front four, which was Pekka, Brad Binda, Jorge Martin, and Mark Marquez on a Ducati. And what was amazing, he was able to go through the whole field, Acosta was, and then when
he got up there, you know, he was riding like a maniac, but he wasn't able to get by those
guys and not only were they able to keep him at bay, the top four
guys were able to, um, you know, not be, you know, wearing out their tires where the kid
was just fucking burning his shit up.
And it was really like this great lesson in racing and maturity and all of that.
Cause at one point he went past Mark Marquez and got into fourth place and the
old Mark Marquez would not have tolerated for that shit.
And the very next turn he would try to pass back if he didn't the next turn and
he would have beat the fuck out of his tires.
But instead he just laid back for like three, four laps.
And the kid ended up making a mistake, went in too hot in a turn and went wide.
And then Marquez was able to go underneath him.
And then right after that, Pedro's tires just went and he went from fourth place.
I think he went all the way down to like 12th.
But I mean, you can't judge somebody on one race, but he's looking like the next superstar, which is
fantastic. So I loved that, uh, Mark Marquez was on a bike that didn't slide out from under him.
He didn't go up and over the top and hurt himself. So, you know, judge on this one race,
he's going to be competitive. Uh, Pekka was like in fourth or fifth place. I guess he didn't have
a good qualifying and right on the start of the race,
he took this outside line and just took first place by the first turn and was
out there the whole time. And, um, I dunno, I'm really excited about that.
And I've just decided, you know, I'm going to fucking go to a race this year.
I'm booked the weekend when it's in, um, Austin.
And then I got, you know, another one lost. I wanted to go to Spain. I've always wanted to go to Spain and
Of course when they're there, I I think I'm in Arizona
But my tour wraps up in like June July and then they got some European dates out there some fun ones
I think I might just fly over there's one in Italy in September. I'm thinking of just saying fuck it
There's one in Italy in September. I'm thinking of just saying, fuck it.
Fuck it, I'm doing it.
Get out the credit card, light it up, fuck this shit.
Bring the family, right?
Everybody goes around and has a good time in Italy.
I get to taste the coffee over there.
And then on Sunday, I'll go to the race, you know?
And I think it's a fun one to bring your wife to
because those races, there's no pit stops.
There's 20, 21 laps.
Super exciting. Um,
I think I'm going to do it. I keep saying that I'm going to do it.
Kind of like I say every year I'm going to go to Monaco for the F one race, even though there's hardly any passing,
especially in that one because of the city and all of that. But you know,
who doesn't want to go to Monaco with their lovely girlfriend or wife dressed in the white fucking Sean Connery James Bond's tuxedo?
Sit down and order a drink, shake and not stirred. I mean, who the fuck doesn't want to do that?
Is there anything better than just pretending you're cool?
Is there anything better than just pretending you're cool? Anyway, still hacking up this fucking phlegm.
I don't know.
Maybe I smoke cigars too long.
I have no idea.
But my wife is starting to tell me she goes, it's probably the dairy that you're putting
into your coffee.
And I'm like, all right, I'm going to, I'm going to cut down on that.
And then I don't
And I've been eating parfaits
for breakfast Lately, I don't know why kind of got burned out
on eggs and shit. I
Don't know I'm a fucking lunatic. Don't listen to me. Anyway, let's let's keep plowing ahead here. What else?
What else have I been doing? I've been flying
Anyway, let's let's keep plowing ahead here. What else? What else have I been doing? I've been flying
Flew three times last week and i'm gonna fly again today
Uh having a great time just you know, just doing a bunch of shit that used to intimidate the hell out of me
Like go buy an airport. Maybe i'll land there listen to the atis real quick
You know See what their runway numbers are, get on, be able to like
navigate. I mean, when you first start, you know, like, you know, enter a write
down when for runway two, six, you're like, all right, right.
You're like freaking out.
Like, what am I doing?
Where am I?
Am I going the right way?
And all of that shit.
Um, I finally got over that
One year I was out here in LA and I just decided like you know what I'm gonna solo into every fucking airport out here and
This is zillion of them that you know, if you don't fly you'd have no I mean I lived out here for a long time
Without a pilot's license. I had no idea. I thought there was basically Burbank LAX. I had heard of Santa Monica and I thought there was like Orange County,
Ontario. I knew cause I used to do the improv out there. That was all I knew.
I just knew the big ones. Um, but any who, um,
I've been doing that. I've been kinda, I dunno, something always gives, right?
So if I'm flying, then I'm not going to the gym as much,
but I've been watching what the Fuck I'm Eating.
Oh, did I mention, did I mention,
Oh Billy, Oh Billy About Town.
I went to,
I went to the premiere of a new show
that's gonna be on Apple that I highly recommend. It's a
fun one to watch with ya lady. I saw a the premiere for a Jesus Christ Bill
spit it out a new TV show for Apple called Palm Royale,
which has like one of the sickest casts I've ever seen.
It's Kristen Wiig, who's absolutely amazing in it.
Carol Burnett is in it.
Leslie Bibb, Alison Janney, Laura Dern,
and Ricky Martin is in it.
Josh Lucas and I hope I say this right.
Amber Sharday Robinson.
Those are the main ones.
And it's just, I don't know how to like talk about it
without, I don't want to give away anything,
but it's basically takes place.
I think it like Miami beach or someplace like that.
I'm an idiot.
I thought it took place in Palm desert, Palm Springs.
I had this whole conversation with the woman next to me going, you know, I was actually,
uh, it was actually out there, uh, you know, a couple of weeks back and then, oh, really
was talking about Palm, uh, Palm desert, Palm Springs God, they're talking about Miami. They're talking about Florida. But anyway, it's basically about, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, it. And then I was like, Oh my God, they're talking about Miami.
They're talking about Florida. But anyway,
it's basically about takes place in like the sixties.
And most of the women in it are these, uh,
wives of really rich guys, essentially in loveless marriages.
And they're all about status and all of this stuff.
And the Palm Royale is this club that, you know,
you need a recommendation to get into.
And if you're not in, if you're not in at that club,
then you're nobody.
So, uh, Kristen Wiig's character is trying to get in
at that club and it's just
really a really fun show, cool clothes,
the cars and all of that stuff. I was just immediately, I was immediately in. So I think it's next Wednesday, this Wednesday. I mean,
I think that's what they said when it, uh, comes out.
How about Carol Burnett huh?
Inner 90s still crushing it and I just so happened it was weird like the day of
that premiere I was driving down Hollywood and Boulevard and I saw this
old theater that was all boarded up. It was the Pacific Theater and I'm always
interested in those things you know. There was the Pacific theater. And I'm always interested in those things, you know, um,
there was actually a place recently that was for sale that when I was a kid,
it used to be a movie theater.
It had a little barbershop next to it and I was just sitting there like,
you know, if I lived back in Massachusetts, you know,
and if I just had all the money in the world, I would have bought that.
And I would have just redone, turned it back into a movie theater,
put a really cool coffee shop or something next to it. Cause that place,
I saw like Saturday night fever there. I saw like,
did I see jaws there? They used to get, you know, they used to get them like,
um,
after they had done the runs and the big ones,
then the smaller ones would get them.
You could see it for like a dollar or two bucks or something.
We used to go down. That was fucking awesome. Um, anyway,
so I see this, you know, the Pacific theater on Hollywood Boulevard,
and it's all boarded up and I'd never noticed it all these years of being out
here. So I look it up and you know,
I had the usual sort of history, uh history that those things have, you know,
it was the jewel of the neighborhood and then it fell into disarray and then it
became a porno place and then it was, you know, gonna be knocked down.
Somebody decided to save it and then blah, blah, blah, blah.
This didn't have the porno part, but it definitely, it closed in like 1994,
but it's been preserved. So you can't knock it down.
What are they got? Historical, whatever.
But part of the history of it on Wikipedia was that Carol Burnett was an usher there.
This is what it says on Wikipedia anyway, that she was an usher there.
And when it was a movie theater and this couple came walking in
and there was only like 10, 15 minutes left in the movie.
So she did a massage goes, hey, you know, don't go in now,
don't go in now. You're going to ruin the ending. Uh, just hang out.
I'll let you go into the next showing, even though they bought a ticket for that
one, which they shouldn't have fucking sold it to them, but they did.
So her boss somehow heard her saying, say that in a court, like I said,
according to Wikipedia, they, he fired her on the spot.
She had to turn in her uniform and everything
and years later
when she became a superstar and got a
Star on the Walk of Fame on on Hollywood Boulevard. They asked her where do you want it?
And she goes I know exactly where she said right in front of the Pacific Theatre. I
where she said right in front of the Pacific Theater. I just thought that was such a fucking you know, I don't know, as a comedian or whatever it's cool to see
somebody fucking you know get these cunts back every once in a while you
know what I mean? That's a good line for a movie every once in a while we need to
get these cunts back right? Just imagine I didn't say imagine Jason Statham who
knows how to deliver those kinds of lines, right? Roy.
It's about time we got even with these cunts.
All right. Let me do a little bit of reads here.
Roy is a caper.
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All right.
Back to the podcast here.
Back to the podcast.
Back to the podcast.
All right.
That's a, there it is right there.
Okay.
Okey dokey.
By the way, I've been tearing it up
with my little 350
Royal Enfield motorcycle, having a great time with it.
This is what I fly, fly the helicopter, land it safely,
thank God, put it away, and then I take the motorcycle
and I just, wee, wee, wee,
I just sort of cruise around the airport.
30 miles an hour, the wind blowing
through my non-existent hair.
No, I have a helmet on.
Definitely have a helmet on and I got the gloves and half pajamas.
And that's my new thing.
Half pajamas and a shirt.
It's an aesthetic.
Yeah, I just been doing like stops and starts.
So now I'm totally used to the throttle.
How much to give it so I don't have to like walk it,
which is what I was doing in the beginning,
which is what I always do
because I don't want to fucking dump the thing
at half a mile an hour.
And then there's a little hill I've just been practicing.
No, no, I haven't practiced yet.
I was gonna do it, but the fucking,
the guy with the hanger near the little hill was,
had it open, I was too embarrassed. I didn't want to stall in front of most basically gonna stop on
the hill and do that thing where you got to use the back brake roll on the
throttle let out the clutch let out the back brake at the same time and then go
and not stall it I feel like that's the last thing I need to learn how to do
before I can ride out in traffic and get myself killed
You know That's basically it. Here's a motorcycle question for you
Do you feel like you're safer if you're on one of those bigger bikes because they can at least see you?
Having said all those people there's no fucking way
There's well, I can't say there's no fucking way because every time I get on it
I'm like, why don't I just I have my clicker open the fence and just just drive down the street and come right back. But fortunately there's a voice in my head
that says you have kids. But I went to policy genius. All right. St. Patrick's Day massacre.
All right. Hey, Bill, just to clear things up, the Romans sent St. Patrick to what are
now the UK territories and had him kill all the snakes.
He killed all of them all by himself, except there are no snakes in that region and it
was really, oh, to kill everyone who wasn't Christian.
Oh my God, it was a metaphor.
Is that what happened?
The druids used the sign of the serpent.
This is a lot of there is a lot of evidence to point to the serpent
being more of a noble symbol than the eagle,
which sits above everything and watches all.
Eagles can come down and eat the population with murder and oppression.
When there's an eagle above, no land animal is safe.
I think the holiday is stupid anyway, so this really solidifies it. Wow!
See, this is another reason why I'm not fucking religious.
You know what I mean? These fucking assholes,
they talk all of that shit, but they're not walking the walk.
They have no fear of an afterlife.
They have no fear of being afterlife. They have no fear of being
Burned to death in hell. I think if you're actually a member of the royal family in England
If you're part of the Illuminati, whatever the fuck it is when you're born into that shit
They tell you from day one
They tell you from day one that all of that shit
That's in religion was just made up by people. And it's designed to keep you scared so you fucking stay in control.
But there is no heaven, there is no hell, nobody knows what the fuck there is. Okay.
That still has to be kind of scary though. I mean, I just, I would just think there was no fucking way you could possibly believe in any sort of judgmental God if you could do the shit that human beings do to one another.
Like all these people that are like higher ups, you know, what's going on in the Gaza Strip, okay, from October 7th to right now the people that did that shit have no fear of some sort of God punishing them for murdering innocent people. It's just fucking.
It just blows my mind. It fucking blows my mind. And then the amount then the shit that people get upset with and you can get cancelled for. You know, that's a new thing in my business. Nobody got cancelled.
All these comics are out there doing they're doing fucking arenas. It's like, well, they're
not doing movies and TV. So they did get they got blackballed from Hollywood. Maybe is that better?
Does that work? Um, that never happened. Classic, classic afterwards. Oh, it wasn't that bad.
But that's to go to England to kill all the snakes.
There's no snakes in England?
Is it just because it's too cold and rainy all the time?
So how do you get rid of your rats?
Right, two behind a year, mate.
Two beans to the cabbage.
All right.
Water.
Water!
All right.
Good afternoon.
I really liked listening to your podcast.
Well, thank you.
I really liked doing it.
I swear we were brought up with the same type of father slash mother, blue collar.
Well, you know what's funny father slash mother, blue collar.
Well you know what's funny?
I'm actually, my parents were white collar.
We were just terrible with money.
So we went from a white collar neighborhood when I was younger to a blue collar neighborhood,
which I think is way better.
I like, I mean I can't say I don't like white collar people.
I've never lived with them, but living around blue collar people. I've never lived with them but living around blue collar
I wouldn't have it any other way. They're just fucking funny as hell
I
Will say that but my hometown like the amount of people
That I grew up with that were just every bit as funny and funnier than I will ever be
They just didn't have aspirations to do what I'm doing. Like they were fucking, the girls in my grade were fucking funny.
All right, here we go.
I've had to stop.
I've I have had to stop listening at bedtime as I can get to sleep.
As I can't get to sleep after your podcast.
Oh, this guy's like going all in. But now there is an issue.
You talked last Monday about first responders and the parade in Detroit.
And as usual, I agree with your takes on things, but you started talking about the Great Lakes.
And you said it was your lakes and we Canadians could pound sand.
No, I know that they're, sir, I know that they're half on our land, half on yours.
I was just doing this so one of you fucking Canucks would write in.
I think it worked.
He said, I thought, okay, you can clean them up.
No big deal really.
But then you got mean spirited and started talking smack about Stanley Cup 1993.
That was not necessary or kind.
Alright, you're right.
Maybe a wall is what we need now.
Get Mexico to pay if you guys can't.
So all I can say is too many men on the ice.
1979, go Habs, go.
That's just how sad your franchise is buddy you
got to go back almost 50 fucking years that's 45 years ago too many men on the
ice yeah that's when the refs would just put you on a power play that's how you
got all them cups everybody knows that yeah and you guys have been astoundingly average.
Once there was more than six teams in and the, and the, and the expansion
six got their footing 10 years later, you guys went bye bye.
And, uh, yeah, but I'll tell you, you had a great season in 1979.
Uh, yeah. You had a great season in 1979. Yeah. Okay.
You guys are just, I don't know.
I don't know what you guys are now.
You just kind of suck and nobody cares anymore.
The league's too big.
You don't have the influence anymore.
The Russians took it over.
Ovechkin is about ready to break Wayne Gretzky's records.
You guys are just, do you remember back to the future when Marty and all of his
fan family members were starting to fade into the dust? That's what happened.
That's what's happening with Canadians in hockey right now. So you guys,
you better step it up, but you didn't come up with the game anyways.
I think didn't black people invent that up in Canada?
I think didn't black people invent that up in Canada. I
Saw that on Godfrey's podcast. So I don't know what you guys are so fucking excited about
Anyway, sorry, I'm just fucking with you
Actually love Canada. I like going through all that. I was actually thinking the other day. I've been to Winnipeg and forever
That's when you know, you have a problem when you miss Winnipeg. I played a great theater when I was there.
It was really interesting.
I've played a couple of them like this that were built during segregation.
In the upper, upper, upper deck, usually three levels up, there's its own staircase to go
up there back when they couldn't possibly have people
of different colors sitting next to each other.
And there was one in Seattle, I think, and then one in Winnipeg that I went to and I
walked all the way up those flights of stairs just to see what that was like.
And I, and I was joking on stage.
It was like, this is why we lose to them in sports.
They've been doing the Stairmaster for 100 years
longer than we have.
We just sort of walked in.
Maybe that's why we have flat asses.
And they don't.
I don't know.
Does it go back to the theater?
Oh, god.
Why do you guys listen to this podcast?
There's nothing.
I always said nothing is research. This is all just, you know, seeing something and then
sticking it with another idea that has nothing to do with each other and delivering it like it's true.
Anyway, toe sucking. Oh, by the way, I was joking with somebody about this presidential election
coming up, uh, where it's Biden versus with somebody about this presidential election coming up,
where it's Biden versus Trump again, it looks like is like, do you ever see when they make
a sequel to some movie that absolutely sucked and it just confuses you and you're just like,
they're making another one of those.
We're doing this again.
Can't they just both leave?
Can't they?
It's just enough.
Just both of you fucking old coots.
Just go to a home.
Alright, toe sucking. Yikes.
Hey Bill, I'll get right to it.
There was an argument in my office about a crazy news story.
Footage of kids sucking the toes of teachers.
Ah ha ha. Ah, yikes.
Gross.
Gross.
Parentheses, yes, this is real.
As part of a fundraising event, the school does every year, made it to the internet.
The kids faces are blurred out
but there is certainly toe sucking what what in the fuck is this I think they
put whipped cream on their feet and the kids have to lick it off do this is
gross this isn't even funny it is without a doubt disgusting and creepy. Apparently they had another one where they licked armpits
too. Again, this is real. There was a video I wish I never saw. I don't
understand how like when you know it's gonna be horrific why do you still click
on it? Like that poor girl in St. Louis that got her head slammed off the ground. There was like
videos like I'm not watching that I'm not watching that. This is something
different oh god this is just this is just beyond gross okay so a guy in my
office brings this up to another guy and they're having the obvious wow that's
weird as fuck conversation they weren't being loud about it, just chatting on the
office floor. Granted, I didn't need to hear this and I don't talk to these guys
much. They weren't really saying anything other than, that's nuts, which any sane
person would agree with. Well, this lady in my office, lady in in my office, and this other weasel dude
happened to hear the whole conversation from the room around the corner and started asking them
questions about their qualifications in public education. Dude what is with these fucking rats?
Now let me guess they went to HR and the...
Anyway, you got that right.
She put these guys on the stand and asked them
what their credentials were in order to establish
whether or not they had the right to be having that reaction.
Welcome to the modern world, Bill,
where even kid adult toe sucking somewhere
somehow needs an expert to weigh in.
Yeah, no, no.
There's no way to lose that argument and they did.
They lost that argument.
I would be like, so I need to be an expert to say that a teacher putting
whipped cream on his toes or her toes and having a kid lick it off.
I need to be an expert to say that that isn't fucked that that's fucking creepy.
Do you like not think it's creepy you fucking weirdo the fuck out of here.
Before I throw you a tuna sandwich in the garbage.
You fucking twat.
Why can't you?
I mean, leave the last part off, but the other part.
Anyways, the weasel dude tried to ask how much money one of them has ever raised for anything.
The guys took the bait and answered with,
I volunteer at the hospitals my brother works for.
Why are they answering their questions?
You know, back in the day you'd see like, I don't know buddy, how about I take you out
in the parking lot and beat the shit out of you?
And that ended that.
See, this is my thing.
For all these years, you know, they've been coming at the frat guys, say acting like they're
the fucking assholes in the world.
And it turns out it's these fucking nerds.
If you don't hang these nerds by their underwears on the doorknobs,
look what the fuck they do. Then the weasels started talking about inclusivity as it pertains
to charity because kids in hospitals are somehow privileged to be there because they have care? Dude, I don't even, I don't
have any sympathy for fucking adults that listen to this horseshit. Listen,
Bill, I don't even know what we're talking about at this point. A couple
average Joes wanted to comment on why toe sucking is weird and suddenly we're
in a liberal art lecture hall listening to spoiled adults over intellectualized
gross shit. Thank you. That's what should have been said.
They should have said, I don't even know what we're talking about. We're just a couple average guys saying toe sucking by children on adults with whipped cream on their toes is weird. And
now I feel like I'm in a liberal arts lecture hall listening to spoiled adults over intellectualized gross shit. Get the fuck out of my face. That's what should have been done. PS
something I him weasel guys cuz I watched him steal another guy's lunch
order and lie about it. It says PS I think I caught I hate weasel guy cuz I
watched I know and then what do you do?
You fucking rat him out again and then you become like him? There's just no way around it.
Uh... all right. I'm gonna have to return. My son just got up from his nap. I'll be back in a second.
Okay, he's gone. He's just sort of sitting in the bed, laying in the bed. All right,
let me try to do these last few and then I gotta stop.
All right, jam band drummers.
Greetings from Pittsburgh.
Last weekend, I went to see a jam band called Disco Biscuits.
I was fucking amazed at how long the drummer, Alan O'Coyne, I hope I said it right,
was able to play at a high tempo
without taking any breaks whatsoever. Is it the drugs? No, he probably has
impeccable technique and is probably really relaxed. Anyways, when you watch a
rock band there are at least a few how you doing, insert city here moments in
between songs, but this band didn't stop for over an hour straight I started getting anxiety towards the end thinking about how sore
the musicians must be getting what's the longest you've ever seen a drummer go
full ham for few older people that's hard as a motherfucker what's the longest I've ever seen? I saw Tony Williams. But even he had like, like,
if I remember it was, I mean, that was over almost 35 years ago when I saw him,
you know, he just had peaks and valleys the way he played.
It wasn't just like going nuts.
Let me just think.
I would say when I saw Musuga and they played for almost two hours at insane tempos and
Tomas Hake was just fucking...
I mean, I would say that one.
That was probably the one out of all that I've seen.
I've seen a couple guys. I saw Simon Phillips playing with the band one time.
But like those guys, what it really is though, is their technique is impeccable.
And they're just using the sticks doing all the work.
So when you are a self-taught player or when you're new to it and you don't have
muscle memory and stuff like that, you are going to be tighter and stuff.
This is just shit that I've learned over the years through taking lessons with
like Dave Elitch and it's just, you know, all that stuff that they tell you,
start slow, get, you know, get the pattern down or whatever,
or whatever it is you're trying to play,
play it at a temple that you can play comfortably
and then gradually speed it up.
So your brain and your body can communicate
and it can do what it wants what you want it to do.
But you know, we all want to play it up to tempo so we can walk into Sam Ash that doesn't exist anymore
and be like, look, I can fucking play Tom Sawyer, whatever the hell people used to play back in the day.
Today's Tom Sawyer is a fucking douche.
Buh bing bing, bum, buh buh buh buh.
That was like really music for like the smart burnout,
I thought, you know what I mean?
They always liked that music, like Tom Sawyer,
cause it made them feel like they read Rush.
All right, Dilemma.
Dear Billy, Twinkle time.
A leprechaun shows up at your door and tells you he's your father.
Fantastic.
Does it listen and acknowledge feelings?
A leprechaun shows up at your door and tells you he's your father.
Just kidding.
All right, dilemma.
Let's say you have to be the main character in a TV show
and that's your life forever.
You live in the episodes
and are surrounded by your co-stars.
This sounds like Twilight Zone.
For the rest of your life, who are you gonna be?
Oh, so I have to pick a character?
Oh, wow.
I have to pick a character.
The first one I thought was Fred Sanford,
because he had that old 1950 Ford that I loved.
And as much as they were broke
and they had a junkyard and shit,
you know, they were eating
and they were having a good time.
Let me see.
So that's the first one I thought of.
Jim Rockford, Rockford Files.
I like that one.
They asked me an element of like, I like the job and there's a level of freedom. Um, I don't want to be any of the cops.
Yeah, James Garner and Rockford Files, Fred Sanford, Sanford and Son.
And I got to do the third one.
Oh, wait, you said a sitcom though, right?
Let's see.
No, you just live in the episodes. Um, oh, fuck, Magnum
P.I. I could be What's-his-face TC flying that helicopter, although my back couldn't
handle that after a while. Those things are not comfortable.
Or it could be Magnum, riding around in that fucking,
that Ferrari all day long, teaching chicks how to swim,
which he really never did. It was just in like the,
teaching them how to snorkel.
Happy days, you get to fucking drive around in those old cars.
It could be Fonz banging all those chicks with that cool motorcycle.
You only wipe out once at Arnold's.
No, did he? No, he didn't. Richie wiped out.
See? That's what I'm talking about right there.
There is a fucking hidden racism against gingers.
We're never fucking cool.
We finally get on a fucking motorcycle.
What do we do?
We wipe out.
We almost die.
It's what it is.
That is what it is.
That's actually a really good fucking question.
And I feel like I should have been more prepared for it. Uh, that's actually a really good fucking question.
And I feel like I should have been more prepared for it.
Cheers would have been fun.
Wouldn't it be like being Normie at Cliff Claven? They were always like day drinking.
Back when I drank, that was a good time.
If I was gonna have a family.
Let's see here.
What were the family ones? A Brady Bunch?
No, that was too weird.
Um, I mean, in reality, they would had all kinds of fucking problems in that house.
You know, they really would have like the kids were too close in age and they
weren't related and Marsha's wearing mini skirts and Greg's saying far out.
He's wearing, playing a guitar.
Like there would have been,
there would have been like in the sharing a bathroom.
It's just like, there was just going to be problems
that I don't want to deal with.
Discussions, stepsisters walking in on step brothers,
trying to rub one out in the joint bathroom.
It just none of it just fucking made sense.
Let's plow ahead here.
All right.
Let's see beyond that.
Then he had eight is enough.
They had too many real problems.
I wouldn't want to be the Waltons.
I guess I didn't really like the fucking family shows. I wouldn't want to be the Waltons.
I guess I didn't really like the fucking family shows. I can never relate to them.
Yeah, that's what it'd be. I would be Jim Rockford, Rockford Files, or I would be Fred Samford,
or whatever that last one was. That's, that's, you know, that's, that's the, yeah, you know, that's the best I got. That's all I got. And with that, my kid is getting up here.
Baseball season seasons around the corner
I've been watching some of the college hoop getting ready for March Madness. I watch
Connecticut the hell do they beat Marquette or something like that? I caught the end of that game
There's probably some more good hoop on today, but uh
Having a great day with my son. He's just napping right now. We went around.
We went for a walk, underrated, going for a walk with your kid.
Took a nice stroll down the street, him just noticing all of this stuff that you
just don't notice as an adult because you just know what all of it is.
What's that dad?
I'm like, that's a fire hydrant.
He's like fire hydrant. He's like, What's that dad? I'm like that's a fire hydrant. He's like fire hydrant.
He's like what's that for? I say well you know if there's a fire they get water
out of there or whatever and then all of a sudden I mean fire hydrant. He's just
pointing them all out as he goes looking at trucks and cars. He looked at him
and says and he goes dad, dad you like that car. You like that car. I looked at it.
I was like, I do like that car.
I'm just kidding.
Those my taste.
I love an old Mercedes.
Who doesn't?
Oh, fucking doesn't.
All right.
That is the podcast.
I've been a little in and out with watching racing over the last few years because I got
tied up making old dads and trying to promote it during the strike and all of that shit.
So I'm back into it this year.
MotoGP I always kind of paid attention to, but I am definitely back into it this year.
Oh, I did mention that yellow motorcycle. The green car and the yellow
motorcycle is how I keep track of the midfield competition, where they are in juxtaposition.
Is that the right term compared to them? All right, I'm babbling. I'm going to go play with my son.
I hope you guys have a great couple of days. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.