Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 3-25-24
Episode Date: March 25, 2024Bill rambles about Missouri, the 'perfect man' robot, and I Dream Of Jeannie. Indochino: Dress better than the other guys with Indochino. Go to www.Indochino.com and use code BURR to get 10% off any ...purchase of $399 or more True Classic: Upgrade your closet, shop now at www.trueclassic.com/BURR and save up to 25% off your first order
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.
March 23rd, 2024. Dude, can you believe it's almost April? I mean, what the fuck?
Where's this year going?
It's like he's going to say that every fucking year you asshole. What do
you mean where is it going? It's not going anywhere, all right? It's just it's
here, enjoy it, and just stop saying that. God it's April already. Can you believe
it's April? Well you have 31 days of March to fucking prepare for it. You know
that April comes after March, right right these fucking people who just spend the whole year surprised
Can you believe it's May 27th well yesterday was May 26th
as far as I know about the numeric system and the
Calendaric system and the uh calendoric you know it goes may you know you start with one
there's 31 days 31 days has may that's all i have to say oh jesus i am in new
york city because tomorrow we are doing the 11th annual patrice o'neill comedy
benefit and uh sold out as all previous 10 this might be 12 I
don't even know at this point they've all sold out and thank you thank you
thank you to everybody that shows up every year we have people flying for
this fucking thing and it's so much fun all of these amazing comedians come out
and half the time we're doing our act the other half we're just making fun of each other,
which I think the crowd in a lot of ways likes watching us shit on each other.
We have like Rich Voss hosting as always, so he always kind of sets the tone, throwing digs.
I always feel like he makes fun of you, so you'll make fun of him,
and then he saves his better insult for when he out-tros you so he wins.
Sneaky little shit.
Anyway, I can't wait to trash him.
I've already been doing it for fucking months leading up to this.
But anyways, I am in New York City and haven't been here in a minute.
It's nice to be back.
You know what walking around in New York is like though?
I was just thinking, went out, I got my steps in,
you know, I went out, got my coffee
and all of that bullshit, right?
What you're supposed to do in the morning,
staying away from the bread though.
Staying away from the sugar.
Staying away from the cigars. Staying away from the sugar. Staying away from the cigars.
Staying away from the fun.
Oh Billy no tits. Oh Billy flat stomach.
Oh Billy still fat. Oh Billy still fat. Oh Billy keep your shirt on.
Hey buddy, buddy keep your shirt on. I don't want to fight you.
I know we just don't want to look at that. All fat freckles. I still got it. I still got it. I'm doing the best I can at my advanced
age and walking around New York City it's like leaving a concert and you never get to
your car. It's just a mass of humanity.
It's really amazing. I love New York.
I'm not going to be the guy that shits on it here.
Alright? Love coming here.
Beautiful ladies. Right? All kinds of people.
The energy. The energy in New York City is just like nothing else.
It is. It's fucking fantastic.
I love this city, but like I'm telling you.
Say what you want about LA, but like, I'm telling you.
Say what you want about LA, but our fat people are in cars. Alright? They're not waddling down the streets, slowing everybody down.
But I don't want to just blame them, you know?
There's also like, people taking selfies.
You know what's funny now?
The big fucking thing with buildings now is you got to have some something fucking douchey like
angel wings
something with balloons
Just something like really like I don't know. I like I like
Powderpuff shit and people just like oh my god
puppies and cotton candy
And then you get all these fucking idiots stand in front of it making the stupid heart sign
with their hands.
And then there's all these cynical cunts like me trying to get past.
And you just want to be like, you're like the 5000 person that just took that fucking picture
like that.
Can you at least do it in a different way?
Take a picture of something else.
I saw all these fucking idiots.
I was sitting on this park bench.
There was something stupid written on the wall.
I can't even remember what it was.
It was just like, your heart is like a daffodil.
Stop the violence.
There's, you know, fucking yoga. Something. I don't know what it was. It was just like, your heart is like a daffodil, stop the violence, or, you know, fucking yoga,
something. I don't know what it was. It was just, yeah, you know, that liberal, ah, you
don't really do anything. You know, can you see like a sign in a window, it just says
be kind? You know, I mean, I just feel like young people now, like when they go out on a date, like
you just go back, you're going to hook up, and you go to get back to somebody's apartment.
And as you walk in and you just see they have a dumb sign like that in the window, you can't
tell me that doesn't kill your fucking heart on.
Right there, you don't have to pop some Cialis and some Viagra.
Be kind.
Be kind.
That's my message to the world.
Be kind.
Are you doing anything to change the world?
Yes.
I made a sign.
Anyway, and you just sit there
and you just watch these fucking people.
One after another, just sat on the bench,
just sat and watched them.
I started counting, I got up to six
in about like fucking 11 seconds and I'm like,
am I really gonna be the asshole sitting here counting?
It just became fascinating.
It was like, all right,
let me just see how many people do this and how many people are actually kind of taking the exact same picture.
One of my favorite selfies is like when,
when women like go to take a selfie of themselves and they just are
completely uninhibited. They just don't give a fuck who's watching.
And they hold the cell phone like as high up
over their head as they can.
And then you just watch them making,
like they got their lips out
and they're moving their fucking head around.
There's no way somebody has not made a compilation video
of fucking idiots trying to make themselves look
as the best looking version of themselves
as they possibly can.
No way, I've never, you know,
all the women I've been with,
I don't think ever during sex when they were going down on me
as I was looking down on their head going,
you know, they look a lot better now. They're a lot better looking now.
When you're down there, now that my head is up here looking down on you,
you look a lot better. When you're up here kissing me, you only look like you're like a five. When
you go down there, all of a sudden I'm looking at you from up here with my dick in your mouth. Oh, yeah, all of a sudden, you,
oh, I'm getting fucking crass here.
Sorry.
I just don't understand that fucking holding it
above your head.
I don't know, maybe it is a better angle.
I have no fucking idea.
Sorry.
Anyway, I just said the stupidest thing I did today
was I just kept like running past slower walking
people only to run into another group of slower walking people.
I know.
Bill, don't you have better things to fucking worry about?
Yeah, I do.
I do.
But it's still fun to be in this city.
City has changed so much. Oh my god
The only fucking stores that seem to be able to stay open are pizza places juice places and weed stores
I swear to God that seems like it's like 40% of the
of the store space now I
Mean this is the fucking smell of weed when you're going down the street is just, I mean, you
always smelt weed.
I mean, that was like an amazing thing.
Like, you would walk down the street in New York when I first came here in the 90s and
people would just be openly smoking a joint, you know, walk by a cop and they wouldn't
give a fuck because there was just so much other crazy shit going on.
And now to just have it like legalized, like there was a couple that I smelled. I
was like, Oh my God. You know that shit you smell and you're like half a hit, half a hit
and I would be on my half a hit. I would be doing a selfie in front of the, uh, be the
Kleenex for the cold of the world. Sorry. That's gross. I just saw Kleenex in the corner.
I can come up with something better like that.
Be the fan.
Fan the kindness with the strangers in the hard hands.
Hard hands.
Adults.
Your heart. I'm just gonna make a heart in my chest.
Then I'm going to turn my head to the side.
Heart.
Photo. Thanks.
Can you take a photo of me with
heart hands?
I'm 31 years old.
With a master's degree.
Fascinating.
Fascinating. And then the person I was
with told me that they had to close down this one building because people kept
jumping from it, which is really like fucking wild that like 10 feet away
there's people doing hard hands with like be the cloud in the sky that doesn't rain on the flowers unless they needed
hard hands.
Right?
And then like right up the street, somebody plummeting to their fucking death.
All going on.
You know what that is everybody?
That is the balance of life.
You know, maybe if people stopped doing fucking hard hands so much, so many people wouldn't have to jump. Maybe that's why they're jumping.
They don't want to live in a world where they have to run past fat people,
only to run into more fat people, and those who aren't fat are making hard hands in front of mindless fucking murals
that are deliberately put there.
Deliber deliberately put there, deliberately put there to get the fucking moron masses to stop and do a fucking selfie.
Oh, Bill, we wish we could all be like you and not jump and not do hard hands and be
a fucking bald ginger with, you know, a cup man titties walking up the fucking street.
All right, you got me on that one
You got me on that one
So anyway
Let's talk moto GP. Did you guys watch it this this this weekend? Did you guys check it out?
Incredible race I enjoyed it.
Jorge Martin won it.
Then it was Bastianini and Pedro Acosta.
The rookie sensation, 19 years old, and he was driving like a maniac, but
he didn't chew up his tires.
And after the thing, I'm thinking like, well, maybe he learned something in
the first race.
But then, pardon me, when they were showing the motorcycles, they were in Portugal.
They call the racetrack like the roller coaster or something, like the level of downhill and
twisting that this thing was.
And like they kept showing motorcycles in slow motion and their front tire wasn't even
on the ground.
So I was thinking like, well, that's a great way to save your time.
So I was thinking like well, that's a great way to save your time
Is be doing sort of a four inch wheelie at 180 miles an hour down a fucking hill unbelievable
Big crash mark marquez tech open. Yeah, I
Thought mark, I don't know
Pekka was saying Pekka was saying was saying that Mark knew what the fuck he was doing, he shouldn't have closed the door or whatever.
I don't know what happened, but they both wiped out.
And that got, is Pedro already in front of them?
Yeah, I think he was already in front of them.
He passed both of them.
Mark Marquez and Peco, he passed both of them.
But I want to say, oh, that's right. And then he got into fourth place and he wasn't going to get a podium.
And then What's-his-face had his Maverick Vignales.
Vignales, however you say it.
I guess his gearbox shit the bed with one lap to go.
And he was able to move up.
And you know what I would be scared about if I was the other riders with that Pedro
guy is when he was, this was his first podium at the Moto GP level,
third place in his second race.
And when they were showing him waiting to go out to get their trophies or
whatever, he didn't even look excited.
Like he didn't look like he was
freaking out like I can't believe I'm here. And he was talking to the other two
riders like he had been there forever. He already has like that poise. It's
unreal. So if you're not watching it like it's literally looking like the next superstar has already
arrived and I just can't stress enough how this is this is the best racing the
only thing that's more exciting than MotoGP as far as racing goes in my
opinion is is the TT and that's but you know literally like more people have died than years
they've had that race it's fucking unreal so incredible race and I think
the bikes look amazing this year the colors I fucking love them I got to make
it to a race I got to figure out some Austin is next in like three weeks.
Very tempted to just, I don't know.
I'm working the next weekend. I got the kids, I can't go.
God damn it.
But I went last year.
What are you gonna do?
But if you're not watching,
you should definitely check it out.
If you're into that stuff,
or if you wanna try something else,
something different.
March Madness, I haven't watched any of it.
I started, I was, I was watching all the conference championships
and all of that shit.
And, uh, I did see Yukon.
I saw a little bit of that game when I was in, um, St.
Louis and, um, I was watching Yukon.
I forget who the hell they were playing, but they were 27 and a half point favorites
My 27 and a half. That's fucking crazy
So I put the game on it's like halfway over and they were up by 28 points
And right there okay gambling's fun and everything
But if you think you're gonna do it for a living these fucking guys are too good. They're so good. Everybody's convinced
It's fixed.
Like nobody sits there and thinks about the amount of people that would have to be in on that
and keeping their mouth shut. Because I don't think any gambler, we just don't want to admit
that they're that good. They are that good. They've always been that good and now they have computers
and fucking algorithms. So I can't stress enough to just gamble with something you can afford to lose
27 and a half I'm watching it
28 points, but then they ended up winning by like fucking 40 though something crazy
They ended up covering pretty easy, but you actually you actually had to like
You're starting the game you're up 27 and a half points
Then before they're even in the second half. You're losing the bet. It's just fucking unbelievable. Yeah, that's that is the good thing about gambling
Is when there's a 27 and a half point spread and the other teams up by 28 and people with no money on the game like it's fucking boring they turn the channel and you're
just sitting there chewing a towel like what's his face back in the day
Tarkadian going come on man hit the outlet if you don't gamble a good way
to know somebody has money on the game is when there's a fucking game that's
like a 30-point differential and somebody is just screaming at the TV like it's only
a one point game.
That's usually the dead giveaway there, geez.
So I have to give a shout out to everybody that came out in St. Louis at the Fabulous
Fox, one of my favorite venues out there, just amazing crowds.
I was there Thursday and Friday and an incredible backstage.
Just all of these legends have signed the walls back there.
And one of my favorite things ever is this giant Stevie Ray Vaughan signature that's on
the door into the main dressing room and it's written in silver and it's amazing.
His penmanship is beautiful just like his guitar playing his signature is the
shit it's just fucking awesome and every time I play there I always go up those
stairs and I'm just like I I don't know, my heart's
like racing just to see that.
Like Stevie Ray Vaughan stood right here and signed that door.
And there's a couple of, you know, I think one concert is something where he's at the
Fox in St. Louis and I always wonder like, is that the show that they filmed
and then he signed the door and all of that? It's really, really amazing. So the crowds were awesome.
And I was with Dean Del Rey and Bianca Cristobal. They both killed. And then we went down to
Springfield, Missouri. And I mean, just talk about like an unbelievably cool ass fucking town.
The downtown area looks like an old Western town.
It's awesome.
And it's not a bunch of like corporations that came in there and ruined it and went
to this great burger place.
Oh, by the way, I went to one of the best coffee places.
I got to tell you the name of this place.
Give them a shout out because they're a
nonprofit
They were a nonprofit
coffee place slash
art gallery See if I can find it. I
literally have this in my
In my phone is called places to go
in my phone is called Places to Go.
Summer States, did I put it under St. Louis or did I put it under Missouri?
Oh geez, Bill, I put it under St. Louis.
All right, Catalyst Coffee.
Some of the best coffee I've ever had.
And today I flew into New York and I went to my favorite
coffee place in New York City and it's actually my favorite coffee place. I like it better than
any place I've been to in LA and I found some really good places in LA but there was just one
place in particular and I'm not going to tell you the name of that. I'm not telling you the fucking name of that shit because the line is already long enough.
But catalyst coffee.
There's like not enough people in downtown St. Louis anyway, and then nonprofit, and
it helps the art gallery that's part of it.
So shout out to that place and that guy Todd was helps the art gallery that's part of it. So
shout out to that place and that guy Todd was just the nicest fucking dude ever making the coffee.
Oh, it's one of those cups of coffees. You just savor it. It's fantastic. Anyway, and then we go to
Springfield and we went down there and the guy Chris who owns the comedy club down there, Dean knows him, I forget the name of the comedy club, the Blue Something or other,
gave us a quick little tour of that old western town that is Springfield, Missouri. He's like,
wow, Bill Hickok shot a kid right here, you know, that beat him in a poker game, took
his watch.
And the story goes that when the kid won the watch, he said to the kid, now don't be going
around town bragging saying you took Wild Bill's watch.
So of course, what does the kid do?
He goes around town telling everybody because he said, I'm going to shoot you if you do
that.
Right.
So the kid is, Wild Bill hears about it.
They run into each other in this square and the kid was way on the other side of the square.
It was really far away for, you know, to shoot somebody with a handgun, right?
And he goes, I'll give you a chance to run away.
And the kid stood there and wanted to draw with them.
And it was almost, they were saying he was so far away, it was almost like a trick shot
and shot the kid dead. And then he went to trial and they acquitted him.
And what the jury says is, you know,
no man should be going around town
talking about another man's watch.
Then they go, there was some other woman over here
and she killed her mother.
And I was just going, all right, all right, okay, I get it.
A lot of killing has been happening in this town.
But I'll tell you what else was killing was
You know I went to I mean can we give them some of these I went I got this burger
I think I took a picture of it
Took some pictures on this tour. I always say I'm gonna try to get involved more like Instagram
And it just it just never fucking happens
Where the hell is it?
Oh, it was right next to the Mud Lounge.
That burger place, outstanding burger.
And then across the street was a diner that had these amazing singers in there playing
live and I went and I got some, what the fuck I got, I got scrambled eggs.
It was delicious.
And it's just a beautiful town.
And then we went and we did, we all did a show over at Iowa State University.
Fans were awesome.
And I was actually really proud of myself because I kind of came on stage and I felt
like I wasn't like vibing with them.
And the old me would have been like, guys, crowd sucks, right? But I didn't. I was like, no, this crowd came to see you. You just came on stage and they stood up. So they are fans of yours. So
whatever's going wrong right now is not their fault. So I was going like, I was thinking,
I was like, oh, you know what, because I talked to some people in town and you know, they had like a real like
accent and I was like, I know what I'm doing.
I'm talking too fast.
So I slowed down, made that little adjustment.
And then, um, and I got out of my head, you know, cause you get like
defensive, you know, and you
start to, ah, these people don't like me.
It's like, no, dude, you were advertised and they showed up.
They like you and they want to laugh, but they're not laughing.
So you need to, you need to make a fucking adjustment.
Um, there was a little bit of an echo off the back of the venue.
I never figured that out. Dean told me, he goes,
I found if you stood in the middle, you were all right.
And that's Dean's music background.
I had no idea what to do with that one.
But like I fucking hung in there.
But like it took me about five, six minutes to figure it out.
And then I figured it out.
And then it was just like one of my favorite shows of the year and I think you know what's funny it was going down
there I knew it was gonna be a great show because when you know people tour
through Missouri they usually just go st. Louis Kansas City and then they're
done so then people in Springfield they got to drive up to Kansas City or
whatever to go see a show so if you finally come to where they're done. So then people in Springfield, they got to drive up to Kansas City or whatever to go see a show.
So if you finally come to where they're at,
they're like, oh, this is fucking great.
Kansas City and St. Louis, they're used to it.
People come there all the time, right?
You go to Springfield, they're like, oh shit,
I don't have to get in my car and drive
an hour and a half, two hours,
past farms and trucker stops and God knows what you're actually gonna
come to me they're in a great fucking mood you made a house call so I was very
I was very happy with that show I ended up doing extra time I did extra time
when I was in St. Louis too.
And I'm not a young fella anymore. So when I go over, it's because,
you know, I'm having, I'm just having a great time. So I'm very excited, man.
I've got another special coming up and this one's going to be,
I'm liking how this one is shaping up.
Um, you know, I got another, you know, I got,
I got a little bit of time to lose the rest of this belly fat here.
You know, I got my fucking yoga mat.
I was watching this video about like, you know, I think I need to clean my yoga mat.
It's been a while and I didn't realize that's like a whole thing.
First of all, if you, I found out if you go to like a yoga studio, you should be cleaning
that thing all the goddamn time, which I kind of figured out because I stopped going to
yoga studios. So most places are fucking nasty. I
Mean it's just like like those hot yoga places Jesus Christ. I
Mean why don't you just go fucking?
Go lick something on the subway except you're doing it with your feet.
Like you gotta wait. Listen, you gotta wear flip-flops if you're going into a yoga studio.
And then you gotta clean your mat immediately when you get home.
And I found these videos, you know, it was funny. It was all like women going,
this is what you need tea tree oil. You need this.
And you're just gonna scrub it with a nice little cloth, and then you're
gonna hang it on. It's just like, I love yoga, but like it's just the people that do yoga, man, they
just, I don't like their vibe. It's weird. They're like relaxed, they don't seem abused.
You know, and rather than look at myself, I blame them.
Anyway, just fucking around here.
Let me do some of the reads here.
I am going to go over Body Minds House and I'm going to go watch some of this, some of
the basketball here.
Oh, Christ, what the fuck did I do with the note?
I do this every time.
I always forget to go back.
Okay.
Oh no, I got to do the reads. Oh, look who go back. Okay. Oh no, I gotta do the reads.
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All right, I'm gonna take a break here cause I'm not going to have time to do my work.
I got to do my workout here and then go do some spots.
So I'm going to fucking.
Oh, well, it's just I'm going to edit this is going to be right back.
Why am I telling you all this shit?
Hang on a second.
All right.
And just like that a day's gone by and old freckles back.
Oh, the wonders of editing
All right, let's do
The hell am I doing here? Let's do some of the reads here not the reads the write-ins people writing in
They write in I read it and then I answer it. All right comedy store show. Hey Bill
I was at the store Saturday when you performed. I just want to say how much it meant to me to see
you. You made my entire trip to LA. Well look, Jesus Christ, you didn't go to the
La Brea Tar Pits? How about the Peterson Museum?
Disneyland? The happiest place in the world?
That's so fucking creepy.
The happiest place in the world.
I was there with my girl.
She got a little mouthy and you put her in her place in a hilarious fashion.
I don't even remember that.
Where did you two meet in line getting your glasses prescriptions filled?
I, to be honest with you, I don't even remember saying that.
Oh, wait a minute. I remember she was dead center
She didn't get mouthy she was fun your girlfriend's cool. I wasn't upset with her. I was just fucking around She just yelled something out
Anyway, you kill me man. Love you brother and the new stuff you did that night was great. Oh, thank you. Well, I hope so
I'm gearing up here. Can you guys tell can you can you can you hear the gears grinding as I'm gearing up here. Can you guys tell? Can you hear the gears grinding as I'm gearing up?
You know how the broads, huh? The broads, the ladies,
Clam Nation.
Wasn't that a new metal album, Clam Nation?
It's an all-girl female band.
It's a girl band.
Remember that?
She's a girl.
G-R-R-R-R-L.
Remember that?
Remember that stupid era when they used to describe some women like that?
She's a girl.
They still were calling her a girl.
They weren't calling her a woman.
And then they were also saying, like, look, she can be as like,
she can have misdirected anger too, just like a man.
We're just as fucking dumb as you are feminism. Um,
anyway, uh, I went on the, the, the, uh,
Instagram I had to look because I love whenever Mark Marquez is involved in some sort of,
you know, knocking somebody out of the race or whatever. There's just all like the race fanboys.
It's like the real housewives where the ladies go out and they fucking pick one wife. I'm on team Jessica.
Oh my god, how can you like Jessica?
She's such a lion whore.
Well, it's better than Tabitha.
At least her tits are real, whatever the fuck they do.
It's stupid, right?
I do the same thing with motorcycle racing.
I just like watching everybody going, you know, Mark, Mark
has had the line.
That was Pecos fault.
What are you talking about?
He obviously overshot the turn in Pekka was making it in Mark didn't even turn around
and look so dumb.
And then it'll be like fucking 900 comments and I read every single one of them.
I'm just sitting there like like what am I doing?
What am I doing? It's a beautiful day. Why don't I fucking go outside instead of reading fucking?
You know comments about people about a robot fucking robot a motorcycle race. I
Was joking with somebody last night going, you know
in the future
somebody last night going, you know, in the future with this fucking AI shit that nobody wants, nobody wants just the psychos that run the world.
Um, there's gotta be like in the future.
When you say you're dating somebody, they'll be like human or robot.
You know, that'll be this weird thing.
There'll be definitely like this real like biblical shit going on
where they'll have to add a new chapter to the Bible that condemns it,
you know, and then all these religious people try as they might to live by the
ways of the Bible.
They will still be human and they will like somehow, you know, they'll give into temptation
and then we'll have to go to confession.
This is all Catholic shit.
Bless me Father Fives and it has been one week since my last confession. On Tuesday I had relations with the robot. And then the priest is
gonna have to figure out how many Hail Marys in our fathers, you have to say, you
know. Well, what kind of sex did you have? Were you respectful? What was going on?
Father, I'd rather not get involved in that.
And then it's going to keep progressing.
And then you're going to have like some women out there, you know, women, women do shit.
They just get all up in their fucking egos.
Not all women, just those fucking idiots that are always talking.
Right.
And, uh, they'll be like, what?
Yeah.
You know, I, Hey, Hey guys, guys, I tried a human man.
Okay.
I tried.
It didn't work out.
They're childish.
They're immature and they just can't fulfill my needs.
All right.
What I like about the Chris 1000 is Chris, I come home,
dinner is made and he asks me how I'm feeling. Okay?
And I can tell you that is a hell of a lot more than any human Chris ever did
for me. Guys, guys, let's,
I think it's time we normalize fucking a robot like that's literally that's what's
How insane does that sound?
And that is on the horizon and you think about the shit that we're actually focusing on
Getting upset about you know, did you hear what this person said? Did you hear what that person said?
No, no, do you hear what the fucking
nerds are doing nerds nerds all right i'm tired of this fuck you know saying i i'm tired of this
that tech bro oh he's one of those tech bros no no no he's a fucking nerd don't try to make it
frat adjacent those fucking frat boy idiots they they don't know how to fucking rewire the
world that's nerd shit weird science they're the ones they're the ones that are gonna
gonna want and fuck up the world and it's up to you hot broads to go out and just every
once in a while just fucking nerd okay so maybe he'll think about what he's doing.
This is like Oppenheimer with pussy.
It's stupid. I don't know what we've done. I think we just did it.
Yeah, you did just do it.
And you gave it to dummies.
Anyway, I still love the movie.
Oh my God. I love that fucking movie
Oppenheimer you got the bomb I got the bomb what we're gonna do we're gonna
drop two well why don't you drop one well we're gonna drop two not one yeah two
right bang on leprechaun Wish. Sitcom character.
Hey Billy Bouncy Bullocks.
I like that.
Junk swaying from the left and the right.
I must be wearing sweatpants with no underwears.
On the 18th March Monday morning podcast,
a listener wrote in to ask what sitcom character would you wish to be
if a leprechaun could grant you a wish?
You know I gotta be honest with you when I read this title leprechaun wish sitcom character
I thought you were gonna say that I should play a leprechaun in a sitcom
That should be like a challenge can bill burr play a leprechaun in a sitcom
five seasons and
Still have a career afterward.
And I never break character, I just like defend what I'm doing the all five seasons.
Now what it definitely intrigued me, you know, I feel like the whole leprechaun realm
The whole leprechaun realm has never been dived into beyond the pot of gold and lucky charms.
What intrigued me about this project was that Terry, the character I'm playing, actually
had like feelings.
And I think it's time to normalize.
That's what you do when you get talked into a corner.
As a liberal in Hollywood, you say normalize.
That's what you do when you get caught for doing something stupid.
Don't shame me for playing a leprechaun on a sitcom.
I think it's time we normalize having a beard with no mustache.
All right, let me plow ahead here.
There is one, okay, let me go and grant you wish.
Okay, there is only one correct answer to this question.
Jesus, I've been in that relationship before.
And it is Captain, later promoted to Major,
Tony Nelson from I dream a genie.
I would do that if it was the fucking leaving Las Vegas version or the rated R version,
the boogie nights version.
Tony Nelson is an astronaut that has a smoking hot lady willing to grant him any wish he wants, which could include
the smokin' hot genie that never ages.
Did I mention he is also an astronaut?
Pretty badass.
That was the most frustrating series I ever watched in my life. I can't imagine doing that now with some woman just walking around
talking to the man. Oh master! You guys realize one of the hardest jobs in show
business is the people that write shows. They just sit in the fucking room, you
know, for like 12, 14 hours every day,
cranking the shit out.
And then they just send the script into suits and like,
I don't like this part.
Why don't you pull this out?
And then the worst part is if you're writing on a show and
the show runner is in like a loveless marriage and he doesn't
want to go home and he just is avoiding.
He's just avoiding the divorce talk. So every time you think you've gone through the script enough in like a loveless marriage and he doesn't want to go home and he just is avoiding, he's
just avoiding the divorce talk so every time you think you've gone through the script enough
time he's just going to keep going.
One of my favorite jokes of all time was that on that Billy Crystal show.
As far as inside jokes, oh my God what the fuck was the name of that show? and the other actor Josh
Who was in
Oh god, I can't remember the fucking names or anything not Hamlet what the fuck was the name of the
Mormon
The fuck is his name
The name of the fucking thing?
I just read it yesterday.
Mormon, the Book of Mormon.
He was in the original cast of Book of Mormon.
Anyways, they did this fucking, they were doing this amazing goddamn fucking show and
it still pisses me off that it got canceled.
It was about this older, you know, legendary comic getting paired up with this younger
up and coming comedian and it was all these inside jokes on show business. Such a great well-written show.
One of my favorite shows because I was writing on F is for Family and thank God
the great Mike Price loves his wife so it was a fucking awesome show to write
on but I learned all of these stories from the other writers talking about the
shit that they had worked on and they had a joke on that on the Billy Crystal show where they were talking about the writers
and they were trying to get them to work more.
They were somehow trying to fuck them out of money or something like that.
And they were messing with their lunch hour, taking the lunch hour, turn it into like a
half hour, something like that.
And one of the characters on the show goes, we can't do that.
Lunch is all those people have.
And I wrote on a great show, a fun show.
Efforts for Family was so much fun to write on.
And even that was a fucking grind.
I don't even know what the hell this has to do with anything. I was talking about
Where is it? Oh, so anyway, oh I know what it's talking about so I
Was talking to them like some of the guys that wrote on like The Simpsons and how The Simpsons
Like
Like, Homer and Marge have like this great sex life. I go, you writers always do that shit, right?
Because you're always away and you're stuck in the rooms and they just laugh going, yeah,
yeah, it's like you're just writing this whole fucking fantasy.
So you go back to the 60s and it's just this beautiful chick calling you master and she
wants to fuck the shit out of you, you know, which of course in real life you would, you know,
but it's on TV so he has to do the right thing. It was so fucking annoying.
She'd be throwing herself at him and he'd be going, all right, all right,
all right, she's getting a genie, genie, genie, get off me.
And then meanwhile he had no girlfriend and he always hung out with this other
dude. You know, you know, gay people always let straight people know that they were actually watching a gay show like 20 years later
Everything from like Bert and Ernie to like what was another one Batman and Robin
Like they were gay I thought it was I thought it was his ward
I had no idea what a ward was and then gay guys are going like no no that was totally
fucking gay relationship
Shit, I don't know they were wearing the costumes walking around in tights like gay people do that anyway
Major Nelson
Okay, let's let's clarify one thing about the astronaut.
Playing an astronaut would be cool, but I have to tell you this.
This whole idea that you get your pilot's license and then you have the balls to go
to space is, I don't know if that works with other people, but not with me.
I am fucking terrified of outer space.
Outer space to me is as terrifying, the ocean and outer space.
Every time I go by the beach and I just watch people in the water, I get, you know,
frolicking around up to your waist or whatever, right?
That's the only thing you can do in water.
If you're not swimming, you're either swimming or frolicking.
That's it.
Or water polo.
Those people that get out where their feet aren't touching the bottom anymore, it's just
like you just...
It's like, do you remember one of the original YouTube videos when that baby was playing
with the cobra and you didn't realize they had taken the fangs out and sewed its mouth
shut and I guess they were trying to teach the kid not to be afraid of snakes.
I mean, couldn't they get a different snake?
Like something like not poisonous?
I guess it would still bite it. I don't know.
That's like what I, you know, when you're just sitting there like looking away going,
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, right?
And that's how I feel when I watch people just swimming
in the ocean, knowing, knowing that we fished out the ocean
and that there's a bunch of predators in there
and they need to eat.
I'm gonna tell you the day shit's gonna get fucked up
is when a killer whale just finally just gives in
and eats a person.
Because for whatever reason, they don't eat us.
And what I love is when you Google, why don't killer whales eat human beings?
There's people out there that actually have the balls to answer that question
without saying that they're just guessing.
They're acting like they can communicate with whales.
I can't even fucking talk talking about communication.
It's like you have no fucking idea why they don't.
I could tell you right now if they knew what was happening
to their friends in SeaWorld.
Jeez, Billy Greenpeace over here.
Anyways, this person says,
saw you at Fenway as a baseball junkie.
That was a dream come true.
Love the podcast, the specials, and all the projects you put together.
Best to near the kids, but you, Mr. Burr, can go fuck yourself.
Oh, that was written.
That was written perfectly.
All right.
Where are we now?
All right, Where are we now? All right.
Billy Biker.
Hey, Billy Baja 1000.
I heard you on Neil Brennan Blocks podcast and you mentioned you have a motorcycle now.
Haven't been listening to the MMP as much.
Life is hectic currently.
So maybe I missed it, but I'm curious as to what kind
of bike you got. I remember you took the class, wanted to get a bike, but ultimately did not
because of safety. You're not wrong in that regard. No, I ended up getting a Triumph Bonneville
and I had it for about a month and a half and I was just like, you know, it was, it
was, it was, and I used to ride with Dean Del Rey, so there was two of us,
so I figured you got a better chance of people seeing us.
And even then, there was still a couple of close calls and I was just thinking like,
I like my legs, I like my legs attached to my body, I like being alive.
Anyway, so I sold it.
I meant to write a while back and recommend a Honda Monkey to you. A 125cc low seat height
classic styling as I think you'd like both the look and the fun factor. Happy
riding even if you just contain to your local airport. PS I work near Long Beach
I'm assuming airport and anytime I see a helicopter I think I wonder if that's
all freckles. Have a good one, cue ball, and go fuck yourself.
All love, fellow moto enthusiasts.
No, I got a Royal Enfield 300 or 350.
I don't even know what it is.
It's perfect for me.
I don't know how many hours I have riding
a motorcycle I would be surprised if I had more than 20 I mean I am ridiculously
new at doing it and it's just fun I just cruise around the airport I do a couple
of laps laps I have a stupid ear to ear grin on my face and I'm just excited I
know how to do this I'm just excited I know how to do this. I'm just excited I
know how to do it and it's fun. And now I've totally gotten into like mastering it.
As far as knowing when to downshift, the blinkers and all of that shit.
It is kind of great. It's kind of great experience.
I mean, I always tell myself at some point, you know, when I do
one of these gigs like Springfield, when I'm out there, sort of
more out in a rural area.
But I might go to a Harley place and just rent a bike and just
sort of ride around a little bit.
But I don't know.
Then I talked to these other guys like, well when you get out there you got to worry about deer
and moose running out in front of you. It's like you know what this just that's stupid.
It's a stupid fucking thing to do but it's it's it's awesome. I literally watched this like 20
minute video of this guy riding. It's like 10 other people on like Harley Road Kings. They did all of Route 66 and they turned and they did it right.
They turned it into like a two week, ten day, two week thing instead of trying to just get
through it in like three days.
They literally stopped everywhere and it was kind of like one of those things like they really did that trip right.
That video that I watched and I can't imagine the level of planning that was involved.
Because it seemed like they did like a thousand things and you're checking out and checking
in every day.
It's like 14 hotels, 10 hotels or something.
But anyway, there's a few places there's somebody wrote in about there's a track
or something like that and there's another person that you know there's a couple of tracks we can
just get all geared up and go fucking ride around. Then I worry a track there's going
to be some fucking asshole riding like as you
know come flying up behind me and take me out. That's why you know I like the
airport. Do do do do do do do do. It's old third gear Billy. All right,
Nosejob. Hey Billy Big Tits Bird, nice fan of your comedy and a long time
listener to the podcast. Never had a reason to write in but have a bit of a situation I'd like to hear your take
on.
My wife's uncle back in Thailand got sick, like terminal cancer sick.
So my wife went to go see him.
The kids and me stayed behind because of school and work.
Anyway, anyhow, sorry, my wife video chats a week into the trip
and she's got bandages all over her nose.
She went and got a fucking nose job while she was out there
and didn't communicate with me at all about it.
This is like such a classic man of today.
Now, I get that it's her body.
You have to say that. So that's like fucking...
If you get a bad nose job, it literally changes how you look.
Anyway, I also wouldn't go out and get...
Okay, I get that it's her body.
I also...
But I also wouldn't go out and get a face tattoo
without having a conversation with her about it first.
What's worse is it looks terrible.
She looked great before and now every time I look at her I am angry.
I don't know how to get past it.
She's coming home today and I don't know how I'm going to get through the anger I have.
Anyway, would love to hear your take in the lovely Nia if she's around.
P.S. that John Lovett's podcast was hilarious.
Loving hearing you guys shit on each other.
I was dying on the way to work.
Thanks for the laughs and go fuck yourself.
Yeah, I have to be honest with you.
That's like, you're 100% in the right to feel angry about that.
I mean, that's something you definitely have to have a conversation with the other person about.
Like I don't even like, yeah, you're saying it like looks bad and
like why did she go to Thailand to get it done?
Was is that the place like I know every like in my business whatever everybody keeps going to Turkey to get like hair plugs and shit
So and it must be the place to go
Maybe Thailand is they're doing the best nose jobs. I don't know but
To do something like that
without saying anything, I mean, that's like,
and then that's also like, well, what else are you fucking doing out there?
I mean, I 100% understand
your anger. I mean,
why would she do that without talking to you first? And you know what sucks about being a guy is you have to manage that anger and you have
to bring it down and then you have to sit and where they could just come in and be like,
oh my God, what the fuck did you do?
And they could just, they could just like fucking a moat.
But the reason why they're allowed to do that is because generally speaking they can't beat the shit out of you
So as a man you have to watch your anger around the woman because it's just a different thing
I guess I don't know or it's probably the usual thing where they can do whatever the fuck they want you you know you have
to like
Exist by a different set of rules. I don't know what to tell you dude. I think it's I
I don't know what to tell you, dude. I think it's beyond fucked up.
That is such a huge fucking decision.
And then on top of that, she got one that doesn't look good.
According to you, it doesn't look good.
And I don't know.
I mean, that's fucked up.
It's like I married you.
And you just changed you.
Now I feel like, oh my god, the robot version of you showed up. Or it's sort of like, oh my god, I'm going to's fucked up. It's like I married you and you just changed you.
Now I feel like, oh my God, the robot version of you showed up, or it's sort of you, but
not quite you.
I got to be honest with you.
I have to tap out on this one.
I don't know would be once I got through the anger I would be really sad that I'm
not married to the person I used to be married to the person that I looked at
the face that I fell in love with that she just went out and fucking alter
that that's really fucked up dude that's really fucked up so I'll just do this
I'm supporting you you have every right to be angry.
And then like what are you supposed to do? What are you going to tell her? It looks horrible. You can't do that
They could
They could say you look stupid
And then a week later just be like i'm sorry I said that I was just angry. You have to understand that what you did upset me.
It's always, you know, it always comes back around them.
So yeah, I would get professional help on that one.
Oh my God.
Oh, yeah, she would let you have it. And now all I do when you're at work is I go back and look at old pictures of you being
like, why did he do it?
That's what they would do.
If you do that to her, then you'll never hear the end of it.
I came home with my new nose and I needed to be supported and you made me feel
That's what that's what she would do like this. Do you want to this with them? There's no fucking winning
There's no fucking it's just no fucking winning and
then the best part is like
the the basically
The basically, the, I don't know what, the slug line that's going on out there is that there, if there's a victim in the relationship, it's them.
Wow, buddy.
I feel for you and I think you have every right in the world to be angry, sad, depressed.
Jesus fucking Christ.
What a fucking thing to do without saying, I want to hear from the ladies.
What do you think out there?
You know what I mean?
I mean, at least if you got like fake titties, they can, they don't even do the bag anymore.
Dude, I'm saying they can reverse it.
You can't reverse a fucking nose job.
Oh my god.
Yeah, that's fucked up.
I don't want to tell you dude that is just fucked up and you're 100% right to feel fucked
up about it.
So you have to just not get mad and just be like yeah I can't I don't even know what you
don't look like the same person I married
And then she's gonna fucking storm out of the room and cry and then you're gonna have to apologize to her cuz in
it's just
I'm sorry. I thought you'd like it. I'm saying I'm okay. It's just there's no fucking way. I
Don't I don't know the way hey ladies we need how can he approach this subject and actually be heard and what the fuck is he supposed
to do that now he went from being married to her to being married to her
cousin or not his good-looking sister there's always the hot one. All right. The last messiah.
But I would definitely, you know, dude, if you actually feel like beyond a certain level of anger, just go out and get some help.
Go to a therapist, talk about it or whatever.
I don't know.
Like that is like I'm joking around about it because that's why I'm doing the podcast.
I am not trained
in any sort of
Psychology shit and I think what that thing is like those are the ones that I read and I get like nervous because that is beyond
The pay grade of a stand-up comedian
Wow
Sorry, you're going through that brother. All right, the last Messiah
Dear Billy Bath Salts. What are bath salts?
All I remember of bath salts is it turns you into a zombie and you start eating somebody's face, right?
Remember that?
It was like a thing for a minute.
Kids were going around fucking eating those things and doing all kinds of crazy shit, right?
Is that right?
Or is that something different?
Is it a different drug and it's just nicknamed bath salts?
I don't know. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't want to know. How about that?
All right. Have you ever read the essay,
Densiste Messiah, The Last Messiah?
Dude, how fucking long you even listen to this podcast? Of course I haven't.
By the Norwegian philosopher and mountain climbing enthusiast, Peter Weisel Zappelhoff.
Of course I didn't.
I've generously included a link to the translated version for your perusal.
All right. I like this person.
This person is very subtly saying that they know that I'm a fucking moron.
Zapf, Z-A-P-F-F-E, an all around swell swell dude has been described as one of the bleakest thinkers of all time and place.
Naturally, he's on to something.
I've heard you rant and rave about the corporations and their insatiable greed and unchecked malice,
the lunacy of ordinary people distracted by twinkling stars and erectile dysfunction medication. Hymns.
Oh, he listens to the podcast.
I think our resident philosopher, Smiley Xanf, can
elucidate.
Dude, this fucking guy, these guys are smarty.
Elucidate.
Do you know for the longest time I thought lucid meant you were fucking loopy?
I didn't know it meant you were thinking clearly.
Some of the horrors of our existence and perchance, P-E-R-C-H-A-N-C-E, perchance, explains some
of our species' more malicious and evil behavior.
All right, I would read this, although it seems like I have to look up every other word
if you're some sort of barometer.
Ah, look at that, threw a barometer, huh?
Look at what you're doing, you're making me smarter.
In The Last Messiah, he argues that our existence,
angst, despair, and depression
is due to our overly involved intellect.
We have an overabundance of consciousness.
We think too much for our own good.
We are a biological paradox, an abomination, an absurdity, an exaggeration of disastrous nature."
Wow, I mean that's pretty much, that's pretty eloquently put.
Doesn't, eloquently, look what you're doing to me.
Doesn't that sound like these cunts who bomb Palestine into oblivion?
And the fuckers who are hell bent on convincing us that Trump and Biden aren't two heads of
the same serpent?
Borrowing from psychoanalysis, Zampf argues that we, as overthinking viruses, have four
methods of limiting the contents of our consciousness.
Parentheses are said differently, hiding the awfulness of existence from ourselves.
We can isolate, I've been doing that lately, avoid thinking altogether, thinking too much about death, suffering,
and the presidential election is too much.
It's better to watch F is for family and eat Cheetos.
Oh boy, this is getting a little too close to home here.
We can anchor, fixate on the values and ideal.
An exquisite example are church, God, state, morality, fate, the laws of life and the future.
We can distract, prevent the mind from ever examining itself.
How about some external stimulation?
Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, and the Super Bowl.
Anything to not be aware.
Dude, this is fucking, this is getting, this is disturbing.
I agree with all of this.
We can sublimate turning the
pain of living into something valuable. Yeah, life is shit but the shit has some
meaning to it because of XYZ. I have to be honest with you if I just stop right here.
This right here, all of this, I agree with like what you do with your brain and
everything that he's saying here. And the only thing that has saved me has been
finding love and then having children. Having a dog, riding a motorcycle around
an airport, that dopamine grin on my face. And also helping other people.
Just trying to like, alright, I can't stop all of this big shit, but I can go into this store, be nice to this person.
I can see this person needing money.
You know, of course you try to judge if they're on drugs or alcohol.
Give them a little bit of money. I don't know. I don't know what to do here.
Wow. There's some reason like, the way this is explained though I don't know. I don't know what to do here. Wow. There's some reason, like,
the way this is explained though isn't depressing. It's actually like enlightening. Enlightening!
Where are these words coming from? I'm interested to hear you—in my world, that's a big word.
All right, fuck off. I'm interested to hear your take on this. I'm also interested to learn if you think his suggestion anti-nationalism is good or
bad and why.
I mean, not being for your country, well, there's a trust factor.
Everyone would have to do it.
I mean, that's what I would love.
You just sort of let go of all of these stupid leaders with their dumb flags behind them.
Oh my God, that reminds me of that guy way back in the day. Damon Zex.
Damon motherfucking Zex. When he used to be on public access here in New York. I
used to watch that with Bobby Kelly. It was fucking awesome. Your answer will of
course be graded and if you get an F you'll have to repeat summer school, wear
the Duns hat and listen to the greatest hits of new kids on the block. I like new kids. Oh
oh oh on repeat for 128 hours while we sleep deprive you and you and scream
obscenities at you. Clockwork Orange there. So for any and all misspellings,
weird grammar, and other dumb shit, I'm a stupid foreigner whose native language
sounds like a series of grunts and pig squeals. Dude,
fuck off if you can do this. This is your second language. You have more command of
this language than I do. I'm regularly distracting myself from
life's horrors with your podcasts and stand-up shows and I remember catching
you live when you played Oslo Spectrum. Great set. If you ever come back to
Norway, I'll be sure to get some tickets. Kindest regards and a Merry how do you fucking do
chairman of the positivity council. Well I'm gonna fucking read whatever the
hell you told me to read. Alright here's a link right here. How Christ turn off
airplane mode. Alright I'm gonna do that right now. I'm
gonna turn off airplane mode so I can tell you guys what the name of this
thing is because that was fascinating to me to at least understand you know why
we're doing the things that we do here. Alright philosophy Now. Philosophy Now.
That's such a funny name.
Philosophy sounds like you're just sort of chilling out wearing a fucking toga.
And you just be chill, right?
Philosophy Now!
The Last Messiah.
By Peter...
Okay, I'll spell it out for you if you're interested in this. Oh it's published in 1933. Peter Wessel, W-E-S-S-E-L, Zapf, Z-A-P-F-F-E. Peter Wessel, W-E-S-S-E-L,
Z-A-P-F-F-E,E Zap. Originally published January 9th, 1933.
Translated from Norwegian.
The Last Messiah and philosophynow.org or you can buy it.
I don't know where.
I'm going to fucking read this.
Thank you so much.
That's amazing.
All right.
That's the podcast everybody. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in Thank you so much. That's amazing. All right. That's the podcast, everybody.
Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.