Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-1-24
Episode Date: April 1, 2024Bill rambles about the history of the easter bunny, Ohtani 'not gambling', and surprise nose jobs. Sticker Giant: Listeners can get 25% off their first order with code BURR at checkout at www.Stick...erGiant.com/BURR Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts. Go to www.stamps.com and click on the microphone at the top and use code BURR
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Hey, what's going on? It's bill burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday
April 1st
2025 just kidding. It's
2024 look at me. I'm gonna be wacky
It's April Fool's Day
You guys know what the history of April Fool's Day is?
Well, it goes back to slavery.
And maybe if you knew the history, you wouldn't be celebrating it.
Just fucking with you.
What would that story be?
April Fool's Day?
Hey, do you want to go for a boat ride?
April Fool's! Now you're a slave.
That's how it started.
And you can look that up.
Excuse me.
Anyway, did you guys have a nice fucking Easter?
Yeah, we got called out.
Got called out by my daughter.
She finally just asked going, hey, is this on the up and up?
I'm so relieved.
At least with her, the lie is over.
I don't know why the fuck we do that.
But I will say later on that night when I was hiding the Easter eggs,
I kind of felt sad like,
and she knows it's me, this is stupid.
Why don't you just put them in the fridge
before they go bad?
So anyway, I never understood the stand up comedians
have already always forever.
Well, this one I started out before there was the internet, before there
was personal computers, basically, unless you were just some fucking nerd hanging from
a doorknob by your underwear, no one had a personal computer.
Al Gore was working on inventing the internet, while Donald Trump was on his way to being
the greatest businessman of all time,
right? And in other things that people that run for president say. Comedians would do bits and they'd
be like, what's the deal? What the fuck? A bunny is leaving eggs? What the fuck? And Club Soda
Kenny, let me know today. He said it was actually, it initially started, it was about fertility.
I don't know what the bunnies are, because fucking like rabbits.
And then fertility would be like, I mean it's just an egg, right?
That's all it is. It's an egg without the fucking fertilizer. So what are you going to do with that?
You know, I don't know. But I think that that's what it was supposed to be and the Germans somehow brought in the bunny
So if they're involved, you know somewhere along the line if you read into it far enough
There's gonna be some sort of scat, right?
Doesn't what it always ends up with the Germans. It's either a genocide or some sort of I
up with the Germans. It's either a genocide or some sort of, I don't know, scat video. Let me just see something. Let's look this up. Easter Bunny, Easter Bunny Germany, German
folklore. According to German tradition, the Easter Bunny or the Osterhaus was believed to be a mythical creature that laid colorful eggs for children to find on Easter Sunday.
Jesus Christ, they've just always been a little twisted over there, huh? As opposed to us here.
This tradition likely evolved from the pagan belief in a hair as a symbol of fertility and renewal.
as a symbol of fertility and renewal. Dude, you know what?
The pagans, they just got,
they got ripped off on like a blues singer level.
It all goes back to the pagans.
I would read up on that if somebody could just
fucking cut to the chase.
I always hated when you would read like these history books.
They'd always have to go, they couldn't just jump into it.
They'd always have to rewind 50 fucking years
for three goddamn chapters of shit you didn't wanna read
just so you could understand where the fuck you were.
It's like, don't you, I don't give a fuck.
Just get to the war. Just get to the
assassination. Just get to the recipe. That's another one. Oh my god fucking. I've always
enjoyed breakfast cereal. Mornings coming down hearing the Krispies going snap crackle pop.
Like it would take somebody with a food website, like 15 pages to tell you how to make a fucking bowl of cereal.
Of course, dad would be there smoking his ever present pipe.
It's probably why to this day I still like smoked haddock.
Probably why to this day I still like smoked haddock. LOL, rolling my eyes with my cute fucking line of rolling pins.
Those are the side ads.
White women with little hands being excited about aprons
or whatever the fuck happens on those food sites.
I want to meet the guy that plays the piano in those food fucking videos
Is he really that fucking like soulless or does he just sit in the studio crying laughing?
Just going I can't believe i'm getting paid to write to score a muffin making video
um
Or what if you know even what would be even worse?
What if it has nothing to do with any of that shit?
What if you actually made that music
and you thought it was fucking sick, right?
And like Jay-Z or whoever the big fucking person is now
was gonna call you up and be like,
can I sample some of this stuff?
And instead, nobody gave a shit
except for the cooking industry.
Not even the cooking industry, just the people on the internet.
Anyway, so it goes back to the pagan belief, I guess, that the hair symbolized fertility
because of, I guess, the way rabbits multiplied. I'm kind of fascinated with rabbits in that their sole fucking purpose is to just be this
like a never ending food source for predators.
Like their job is to fuck and then be eaten.
And they get eaten all the fucking time.
The worst is when those fucking stoats jump on their back and they can't shake them.
I never knew a rabbit made noise until one of those fucking things.
And then like.
They feed all of these fucking animals, but if you're a human being and all you eat is
a rabbit, if that's all you ate, you would actually starve to death because I guess there's
not enough fat in them, you know, to keep you going.
I guess you need some.
So I don't know.
Well, how would I, how would I ever know anything about nutrition?
When fucking this just the lobby to lie to me about what's out there?
So I end up eating the wrong fucking thing is so strong
I'm always amazed at people that are on the internet that somehow have the answers. It's like how did you figure it out?
How did you how did you how did you get on the other side of this shit?
I mean, this is a fucking enigma,
you know, wrapped up in a fucking egg yolk.
I mean, egg yolks are like, I don't even know what they are.
I just eat them at this point.
They've been good enough times in my life.
I think the good has outweighed the bad.
Anybody, does anybody believe that?
Does anybody even know what it is
that I'm talking about?
I had a great Easter with, um,
I hung with the kids. My lovely wife was a little under the weather, so
I just hung with the kids all day, and, uh,
it's been cool, man. My daughter's at a fun age. My son's at a fun age.
And we just have a blast just doing all kinds of dumb shit,
doing kid shit, and then doing dumb adult shit.
I'll do fucking anything with them.
I'll go to the playground.
I'll go to an open house.
I'll go look at motorcycles.
I don't give a fuck.
As long as you bring them with you,
you know, I took them to auto zone,
bring it to the zone, auto zone.
I had to fucking get a battery.
I let it run down on my truck, right?
And I would call AAA, but they're always going like,
are you calling from your home address?
It's like, are you stalking me?
Why the fuck do you need to know where I'm calling from?
You cunts. Mind your own fucking business. Oh
We don't share that information
You don't the people you work with do
I told you when I was flying back from fucking
New York I went through clear and they go. Can we have your phone number? I'm like, no you can't
And then well then you can't go through and I'm like what the fuck what did I pay for then they go
It's just a one-time thing it well how many times you have to put it in your fucking system before you have it
You dumb cunt
Anyways, don't don't sign up for clear
Don't sign up for clear. I already did it. I'm done
Don't sign up for clear. Don't sign up for clear.
I already did it, I'm done.
My robot's already being made.
If you just stay in the fucking TSA pre-checked,
at this point, it's just as fast.
Fuck those guys.
Fuck all of them and fuck the politicians
that are just getting paid off as they look the other way.
It's just corporations do what the fuck they do.
But I believe, I believe that a revolution is coming.
You know?
I like when you go by like a big job site and there's a crane and there's an American flag hanging from it. You know, and you're like, yeah, unions work better work union.
We got to get back to that.
We won't.
We're going to keep yelling at each other.
Fucking libtard.
Why don't you go fuck your sister in your red state? Just just just keep doing that see how that works out
You all right? I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. I'm gonna keep it happy and positive
How about this how about your NC State Wolf pack?
beating the Duke Blue Devils in the
Grade 8 8 8, to go into
the final four. I can't remember the last time NC State was in the final four. They
have been living off those two championships that they won in the eighties and then won
in the seventies since I can remember. All right. It's coming up on 40 years since Jimmy V was running
around looking for somebody to hug, right? Was that the first one or the second one?
I can't remember. It was that's how long ago it was. All right. Look, who's kidding who? Does
anybody look like they're beating Yukon? Was it Yukon, you can Purdue NC State and I don't know who else
but I
Actually, I was able to watch the NC State Duke game and I just kept waiting for Duke to come back
I'm like NC State
Always loses these games. I went to that school
87 88 sort of was on the off campus fucking rehab program.
And then my second semester I was actually in two classes
halfway through the semester is like,
I'm not fucking living here.
And I went back to Boston, but technically I was there.
I never went to a game, but I did see Aerosmith
at Reynolds Coliseum.
And then I saw Def Leppard and then I left.
That was it.
And I ate at a place called Darrell's.
That's all I remember. I saw Def Leppard and then I left that was it and I ate at a place called Daryl's
That's all I remember
Anyway, they are in the fucking and that DJ burns
Whatever his name is the most fun fucking guy in hoop right now the big man. It's got moves. He's got range
Can the three-point play if he's just a fun guy and anyway, I thought it was great for the Duke Blue Devils program for them to get to the the grade eight or whatever they call it.
The final eight, the grade eight, whatever the fuck they call it.
That's a big thing for them.
Now that Coach K is gone.
So I was going to be like happy either way.
I always root for NC State,
but I just sort of watched them going like,
how are they gonna blow this one?
Because every time I watch them,
they never beat Carolina, they never beat Duke.
Like I'm trying to think if I've ever sat down
and watched them do that.
I watched them like a month ago
and everything was going great in
the first half and then that was that was just it and then they just faded away
but now look at him Cinderella story right an 11th seat so I'll definitely be
watching that that was very exciting and here's a question that I have you know
just as a fan of the New England Patriots, it's like
are we this this shit with the Dodgers? This is just okay. This is how it works. It's just
okay. All right. Fine. Let's joke with my buddy of mine. We were coming up with nicknames Oh Tony Show high stakes poker Oh Tony
You gotta go show high stakes poker Oh Tony, I mean I it's like
We got crucified with investing independent investigations by
The owner of the other team
That was actually upheld by the Commissioner unbelievable you think the commissioner be like hey we decide
I'm making 40 million a year. I get an ego. You're going around me having your own fucking
Investigation go fuck yourself, and you lose a draft pick. I'm actually starting to think that good Dell was behind it
I have no fucking idea, but all I know is that shit
Stuck to us like gum on the bottom of our shoe and this motherfucker
His is somehow his translator
His translator
Got access
To this guy's bank account information was able to steal four and a half million dollars
Gamble it away over a sustained period
of time.
None of his business managers noticed.
This guy didn't know how the fuck does he get to that information now and defense of
him because I don't want him to be guilty to be honest with you.
He's great for baseball.
I mean, how do you root against like somebody doing babe Ruth shit in 2024?
I mean, that's unbelievable.
So I am rooting for the guy.
Maybe he was just overly trusting and all of that shit.
But like, I am a very trusting person and I know a bunch of fucking people that are
really close to me.
None of them have been anywhere near my banking statements.
And not even because I don't trust them
It's just because I don't do banking when I'm hanging out with friends. So when the fuck would they be looking over my shoulder?
To see this stuff
Well, maybe he went to an ATM with him and they fucking got his pin number
Oh, yeah, how many times you go to the ATM to take out four and a half fucking million dollars before somebody notices? But you know, nothing to see here. Nothing
to see here. Just sweeping under the fucking rug. Nobody gives a shit. I also got to ask Like just exactly how much money are the Dodgers going to spend?
You know
It's coming off a little desperate I
Will say the way that they did Otani's contract was brilliant
It's like we'll give you seven hundred million dollars right at the end of the apocalypse. I don't know when they own the money but it's being deferred shit you know imagine if he got it all at
once how much would have that interpretive taken before anybody
noticed I will say if I am Motani I am immediately you should immediately fire
whoever's your business manager that it took them this long to figure this out
Anyway
Plowing ahead here. I was down the Comedy Store last night being Saturday night and
I Had this new chunk that I've been working on and on the road and then I kind of had the final piece and I went
Down there raise they went on stage was like, why didn't you take this set you fucking idiot?
And I actually I know I was like, whatever, whatever, I'll figure it out.
I remember enough of what I said and I went there and it was one of those bits.
It was like a plane taken off.
And it crushed so fucking hard in the end. It was like a spontaneous applause break.
And I had a smile on my face, but in my head I was going like,
of course, of course you didn't tape.
You undisciplined fucking idiot.
But I remember enough of it.
And I'm going to have so much fucking fun developing this idea.
And I don't give a fuck that it's a new idea
that I am excited about.
I am putting it on my special
because I'm a big believer in when you do a special,
you do all your best shit that you're most excited about.
And like, well, I mean, you know, this other bit,
I gotta make sure I document that bit. Fuck that other bit.
Fuck that other bit. Okay. You snooze you lose. Okay.
You thought of it in between specials, let the fucking thing go. Um,
and shout out to everybody, um, um, on the breakfast club.
I don't know if, uh, I mentioned that last time. Yeah. I never know if you can promote shit or not. I was on it this past week
and I had such a great time on that show. So hopefully they will have me back.
And then wait a second. Can I promote this? I was supposed to check the email.
I don't give a fuck. So why is everything so like.
I just don't understand why everything is so like top secret now when it comes.
All right, unfrosted, the Pop-Tart story,
yours truly is making a little little appearance in the thing.
I had a great time doing it.
It comes out at the end of the month.
It's the history of the Pop Tart and it's done by Jerry Seinfeld.
So you know all the jokes are going to be top shelf.
I've gotten a bunch of text messages, people saying that they're excited to see that.
And then also I got home.
Don't you know?
Oh, Billy Freckles got home and I, uh, I watched the rest of the iron claw.
Um, was Zac Efron, Jeremy, Alan White from the bear.
This kid Stanley Simmons, who who just blew me away and then the guy playing
the dad of all the Vaughn Eriks.
What is his name?
My Christ, I thought I put it down here.
It says Holy Macalani.
What is wrong with me?
I can't type.
I just don't understand.
Is this what getting old is?
Is this what it is?
All right, here we go.
Holt.
Oh, I probably typed in Holt and then spell check was like,
did you mean holy?
Holt McElhaney played the patriarch of the von Erich family.
And I love this movie so much i was actually reading
up on like reddit and what people were saying and all of that and it's like they had so much tragedy
in that family that there was one kid so they just didn't even have that character in it
because it was just too sad or too redundant i don't know what but um the end of that movie
But the end of that movie.
Oh.
The way they did it, they did put a positive spin on it.
I think they knew.
They didn't just go straight Manchester by the sea.
Remember that one? Whoa, that fucking movie.
They they.
They gave you a nice thing in the end, which I thought was amazing.
And yeah, whatever.
I give it two freckled thumbs up.
You got to watch that.
The Iron Claw, I believe it's streaming right now on Apple TV.
Look at me.
Oh, fucking Billy at the movies lately.
Oh, and I got another one to watch.
On Apple, Apple Plus, whatever the fuck they call it, Steve Martin, there's a documentary
on him and I can't even tell you how much it's blowing me away just watching this thing
because I never thought about Steve Martin's style
and I never thought about what he went through to ascend the stand-up ladder doing an act
like that because he just all of a sudden was there. I was 10 years old and
He was being silly as hell and I never you know, I was 10. I didn't analyze it
I was like this guy reminds me of my friends. This guy's hilarious and I just thought he was the funniest dude
I'd ever seen in my life
The movie the jerk all of it the man with two brains. I just was that was it that was it
the jerk, all of it, the man with two brains. I just was, that was it.
That was it.
He came out with that white suit with the arrow between the head,
making the balloon animals and just being silly and ridiculous.
Well, excuse me.
I just, I loved him.
And I just went, you know, whatever movies he did,
you know, I went, I saw them all.
And, but I never really thought.
And then like by the time, I don't't know by the time I started doing stand-up he was like you
know had long since stopped doing stand-up and now was like this movie
making icon or whatever right I never stopped to think about it and like the
balls this guy had to do what he did. He wanted to be a comedian, but realized he wasn't like a setup punchline
Person
That would literally be like being a musician being like i'm a musician, but I don't like putting notes that go together
And then i'm somehow gonna write a hit song
He basically made the decision like what he was going to do was be avant-garde
and he was going to go up there with no setup, no punchline and he was saying that audiences
were so educated, which is something I've talked to today with other comedians being
like how educated a crowd is now because they're making videos. They're making videos and
they're watching a zillion videos and they're commenting on them and they're uploading them
and they're getting instant feedback good or bad that they as audience members know like what plays
and what doesn't like everybody is now essentially in show business. He was talking about back then
that people the crowd was educated they they sort of understood, like almost
subconsciously that you create this tension, and then the
punchline is the release of the tension. And so they were like
laughing. Sometimes because they just knew they were supposed to
rather than because what was being said was funny. So that
gave me the idea to do this other way where he was basically like,
I'm just gonna keep creating tension
and I'm not going to release it.
And people will then decide
when it's time for them to laugh,
when they just have to laugh or whatever.
And like, I just have to say,
being in this business,
if that is your strategy as a standup comedian,
I would have given that a 0.0% chance of you making it doing that.
And then I would give it like a 1% chance of working occasionally and having a good
set.
And what's amazing is you watch this documentary and that's essentially what he went through. Is like older people were like so conditioned
on what was stand up and what wasn't
that they were just looking at him like he had three heads.
And he was getting these big gigs, opening up for singers
and he was getting fired and he still had the balls
to stay with what he was doing.
And then he finally did some gigs in San Francisco. That's
as far into it as I got. And it just blew my mind. Like I said, like I never thought,
I never even stopped to think about how original he was. Because like I said, I just, I was 10 and
all of a sudden, have you seen this guy Steve Martin? And that album came out, you know, with the,
he had the white suit and all of that and just put it on. It was funny. And then that was it.
So to go back now and just see what he went through is just, it's amazing. And it's done so
well. And like, Steve Martin narrates it and he's reading from like his diary. It's it's
as far as like
Stand-up history. It's like priceless. I'm so happy that they made this thing. So check that out
If you if you get a chance, oh and the UFL is back
Every time I put it on the Birmingham stallions are playing and I watched a little bit of it.
I mean, it's fucking, that's good.
It's good football.
I felt bad like the quarterback's on.
He won the championship last year.
It's funny that they're like a new league.
They should just like make fun of themselves that they're a new league.
You know, I can when you're back in the day.
Yeah, you won the Super Bowl.
Where you go?
I'm going to Disney.
You win the championship the UFO.
Where you going? I'm going to Disney She won the championship the UFO. Where you going? I'm going to go back to work
Going I work UPS during the offseason. That's what I kind of like about these guys. These guys are like the old-school
The old-school athletes, but I'm rooting for that league I've watched every iteration of a
But I'm rooting for that league. I've watched every iteration of another league.
I've watched the original USFL.
I watched both XFLs, that other fucking thing.
I forget what it's called.
I went to a game with Bert Kreischer and the fucking team that we saw from Dallas had the coolest helmets I'd seen in a long time.
Then COVID came and that fucked that up
So now I got it I don't know if LA has a UFL team, but I got to check that out so
that's my life right now, just movies my kids and
I
Guess sports I guess that's that's what I got going on and what I got going on now is I got to read a little bit of advertising here. All right, Sticker Giant.
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home page and enter the code BIRB, B-U-R-R. All right, let's talk a little
aviation. Oh, Billy Whirlybird, I wanted to go for a flight.
You know, I got back on Thursday, so there was a storm coming this weekend, Saturday
and Sunday.
So I was like, all right, I'm going to go sneak in a quick flight before this gets here.
My morning got busy, you know, I felt the wind was picking up a little bit, but I checked the METARs and all of that shit, I checked the TAFs, everything fucking looked
fine and then I get up there, you know, pre-flight the CHOPPA and all that, I bring it out to
the transient area and you know, doing all my pre-flight bullshit and I'm listening to the ATIS, the information and I hear winds are 10 knots gusting to 24 and I was like whoa gusting to 24 I don't think
I like that but it's only 24 knots you know I don't know let's maybe I'll fly
the pattern see how that is right and it was information Delta
So I shut it off. I didn't realize it was like 10 to the hour
so that's when they they re-record it and I just so happen to hear a guy as I was
You know running it up. I
Hear this guy say
You know that he was coming in with information echo after Delta echo, right?
So I'm like, alright right let me listen to that
and it said winds 10 knots gusting to 36 and I was like all right you know what fuck that I'm not going
so I just sort of uh Harvard taxi down to this sort of run-up area and I just did some pickups and set downs for like 15 minutes and, uh, and then I just talked her away.
And, um, so I'm looking forward.
I'm going to fly hopefully Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday of this week.
Uh, you know, I, there's this flight I want to do down the
coast, down towards San Diego.
I've been meaning to do that.
That's what I was gonna do on Friday.
And it just didn't, it didn't end up working out.
But a buddy of mine ended up flying that day.
So just flew the pattern.
It was fine.
It wasn't windy or anything like that.
But I always, I always like, I always do.
Like if I just hear something I don't like,
hey, you know what, I'm not fucking going.
I don't, I do this for fun.
I'm not a professional. I'm not delivering a kidney. I don't like hey, you know what? I'm not fucking going. I don't I do this for fun. I'm not a professional
I'm not delivering a kidney. I don't have to go
unlike those people that fly professionally that just you know
Yeah, I think I can make it I don't want to be doing that. All right come to Brazil
Dear Billy Brazilian, but
I'm a 29 year old fan from Brazil.
Dude, I'm dying to do a show down in South America.
We keep calling these promoters, they talk to us for a little while and then they just
go away.
Which, you know, that's that, you know, I'm not flying all the way fucking down there
to go see a promoter that may or may not be there.
I was listening a few weeks ago to you saying that you were planning to do a show in Argentina,
but I could suggest another excellent place for a show
and it would be here in Brazil, especially in São Paulo.
Hope I said that right.
Got the squiggly line over the A, I don't know.
We would love to listen to your dick and shit jokes
over here.
I mean, I would love to do it.
And for most of us, it would be
the only chance to see a comedian like you live as it's very expensive to travel outside
the country. You could watch a Formula One race in here and see a real soccer game, not
the ones those phonies play in Europe. Listen, even I know about the Brazilian national team. Wow, that would be insane.
That would be insane.
I would love to go to that.
Thanks for all the content.
It helped many of us during the hard times.
Much love from Brazil to you and your family,
and I can't wait for your new special.
Red Rocks was the best comedy special that year.
Oh Jesus, what a sweetheart.
I would love to go down there.
I would absolutely love it.
I would just be nervous to be that far away
from my family.
I'd have to bring my whole, I don't know what I would do.
The older I get, the less I like being far away from my family.
I just don't, you know, aside from just missing them, I just always think what if there's
a crisis, how long would it take for me to get to them?
So that's been fucking with me lately, but I think if I wasn't a good father, which I am,
that wouldn't bother me, but that's something that really does bother me.
All right.
Oh my God, somebody's writing in about the surprise nose job.
So just to get you caught up, this poor bastard, his wife goes to Thailand for whatever fucking reason
and he's FaceTiming with her
and she has bandages over her nose
and she went without talking to him, his wife,
he married this woman.
She goes out and gets a fucking nose job
and he says he hates it.
And I'm telling you, you get a bad nose job.
You don't look like yourself anymore.
Like getting a nose job can change how your entire face looks.
And he's having a real hard time with it.
So I didn't know what to tell him.
It's like you have every right in the world
to be upset by that.
That's a major fucking decision.
You know, and fuck that whole, it's her body,
it's her choice.
So what do we, what?
I married you.
You're gonna go in and fucking dick Tracy your face
and you're not gonna look,
you're not gonna look like your wedding photo.
You just, your nose job just made our wedding photo look like that's my first wife.
You're making me look like I'm cheating on my wife with you.
Anyway, so I didn't know what to say to this guy.
Okay, surprise nose job. Hey Billy Big Truck, you asked for an opinion or advice from a lady.
So here goes.
This is from a lady.
That guy has every right to tell his wife that he hates her nose job and there's no
reason to sugarcoat it.
Now, I understand why you're saying that,
okay, because that is the truth of the situation.
And then secondly, you're a woman.
So, you know, you guys can tell men the truth.
It looks terrible.
We can't do that shit.
How do I look in this?
Great!
Like, you know, like half shirts are in right now.
The amount of guys that have girlfriends
that should not be wearing half shirts But they're not gonna tell them
It ain't worth it it ain't worth it cuz that's not gonna ruin your weekend
She's gonna bring that up for the rest of your relationship
And you may be built ugly, right?
so she's just saying that she's that this guy should just basically act like a woman and just
blast double barrels there there all right, so
She goes on to say what she did was an absolute cunt move
So there is absolutely no reason to hold back
Yeah, there is this divorce alimony child support
and
If she goes nuts I Mean think about this she dick Tracy'd her fucking
face if he goes you look you know that you're a cunt for doing that and the whole thing
falls apart hell hath no fury like a woman in a divorce with a new fucking face that the soon-to-be ex-husband didn't like there's a lot of stuff like
I don't think that women understand how terrified men get when you guys
Get past a certain level of upset because the options
That are at your disposal
Take everything we got ask for a
ridiculous amount of support say that we beat you say that we
we you know you're worried about us being around our our own
children you can say any of that **** and the second you say
that **** the judge is like, prove her wrong.
So I don't know.
I don't know about this advice.
So she says, I'm so appalled by what she did, I want to hit her in her ugly new nose with
the shovel.
Whoever this woman is, you're a fucking saint.
But I don't know as a man I would follow this advice.
She goes on, without saying a word, she let him know that she has zero respect for him
or his opinions.
As far as getting past this, I would suggest going to both individual and couples counseling.
I don't think this is something he will ever get over.
So the best he can hope for is learning how to deal with it.
How does he deal with it?
Every time he bangs her, it's got to be doggy style.
It'd be funny if she was enjoying it so much and then she turns around to ride him and
he's just like, ah!
Oh yeah, that's right.
Sorry, I forgot.
I forgot. I forgot I forgot I
Would just be a dick I would just keep quizzing her being like what have you done with my wife
Is my wife still alive in Thailand?
Say something that only you and I would know pre going to Thailand I
Would pour water over her head just to make sure she wasn't a robot. My heart goes out to that guy and I wish him the best.
You know what, if I had a sweetheart of the week, I would give it to you, sweetheart.
I liked, I liked, I liked, what is it, the cut of your jib.
You're a no bullshit fucking person.
You're 100% right too.
In a perfect world, he could say like, you fucked your face up.
How am I supposed to maintain an erection when you did that to your face?
If you have any sort of fucking substance, just, you know, just, I don't know what.
I don't even know, how do you make this up to me?
Just, yeah, I got it.
You know what I would do?
I would have a fucking, an artist make a fake version
of her original nose.
Then whenever you bang her, she has to wear it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
If she has glasses, just attach it to that and she could put
them on like joke glasses. Anyway, self-checkout. Self-checkout. Here we go.
Self-checkout. Another person having issues with the self-checkout. Hey Bill, I
was in a clothing store yesterday and I had to check out I had to check out myself
Granted the technology was decent
you put you put them all in a basket and it adds everything up or
Detects the tag or something regardless you were right. I hate it in the grocery store
They've really taken advantage of the idea. If they kept it for people walking out with gum, that'd be fine.
But that's what the 12 items or less line was always about.
Everything is really starting to suck.
Yeah, I hate when you go to doom and then they have a camera like videotaping you, so
I just put my thumb over it.
I just do like whatever I can.
But I use the self-checkouts. I do it. I just said like whatever I can. But I use the self checkouts.
I do it. I just said fuck it.
I just said fuck it because I was screaming about them and nobody was doing anything about it.
It's just like after a while you just you get tired of yelling by yourself.
And you're just like alright I don't give a shit. It's just you know.
It's kind of like pop music after a while.
You know, you hate a song and you hate a song and you're like, all right, come on Eileen.
I mean, everybody seems to enjoy it.
All right.
All right.
All right.
800,000 dead fish.
Oh no.
Please don't tell me this is more environmental disasters.
Hey Bill, if you read into the carbon scam,
it was created by the same guy who created short selling.
Short selling is, I like it if you read into the carbon scam.
So you just go immediately from the very beginning
that I think that carbon emission is a scam.
That we're having no effect on the planet whatsoever and that us laying waste to the world's biggest forests and all that.
And that the Great Barrier Reef is not dying because of anything that we're doing.
Alright, so I just let all of that go. So all those scientists say, you know, that are saying that's true are all owned by corporations.
Okay, I got my mind right.
And I'm going to be open-minded and read this.
Short-selling is a tool to legally shell a company, as explained in Wall Street with
Michael Douglas. Short selling is, no, when you short a company, that's your betting that their stock is going
to go down.
Short selling is for whatever reason, I can borrow, I can, I'm not like, I can buy a stock
from you for like a short period of time and then I have to sell it back to you and you buy it back from me at the price that I paid it for.
So what I do, I buy it for a hundred bucks from you and then I immediately sell it for a hundred bucks.
Betting that it's going to go down, it goes down to eighty, then I buy it back from the guy or I buy it back, right? And I just, and then I sell it back to you and you gotta, you gotta pay what I paid for it.
A hundred bucks so I just made twenty bucks. That's shorting a stock.
That's short selling. I don't know what you're talking about.
As explained in Wall Street with Michael Douglas.
Okay. So you're talking about scams and then when you're talking about shorting a stock, you
can't explain it yourself and you reference a movie with an actor talking about it.
Okay.
All right.
Once the whole recycling movement got rearing up, they had no choice but to act.
What does that mean?
Except you can't sell less plastic and containers of food and bags and boxes and chemicals and
waste and expect to make more money.
So they move the attention to carbon so they could manipulate data and blame it on everyday humans. Oh I see what you're saying. Oh I
don't doubt that they're gonna blame it on us. I don't doubt that. Yes we affect
the environment and yes we should be using yes but it's between all the
military's use of oil and deliberate neglect by companies when disposing of
waste. We're not the fucking issue. We've made huge strides with technology to
properly produce and dispose of hard chemical waste but guess what it's too
expensive. So here comes the subject line. Here's a story about 800,000 dead fish over a 60-mile stretch from a fertilizer company.
I wonder if the people who are responsible will be encouraged to cut back on their personal carbon use.
Alright, I misread what you were saying.
Yeah, I mean, this is just, it's how the fucking world works.
I don't know what to do with any of this information.
Because when a guy like, you know, RFK Jr., of a guy like, you know, Bernie Sanders, guy
like Ross Perot, anybody who comes around, who is the other guy, who got blamed for the
2000 election going to George W. Bush for dividing the vote.
Whatever that guy's name was. All of those guys that tell the truth, they just get
tarred and feathered and they just bury them. And you got a bunch of dummies
on both sides that that's how we ended up with these two guys. I mean, these fucking two guys, they shouldn't have been running four years ago.
They shouldn't be running now.
Hillary should have never ran.
None of them.
None of these people are good choices.
None of them are.
It's just different brands of the same fucking thing.
The last human being, I've said it before, that was in the White House was Jimmy Carter
and the last person in the White House that I saw that showed any restraint was George
Herbert Walker Bush when he didn't go into Baghdad and go get Saddam Hussein.
He said, well, we don't have permission to do that.
He respected whatever the NATO, whoever it was saying you can't do that, but you can
go in and stop them from, you know, taking over Kuwait. I don't know. Ever since then,
people have just sort of done whatever the fuck they want to do. But I do believe a revolution
is coming. That there will be some sort of pushback but the problem is
is that they own the media they own the news media you have two guys that own
like the fact that Ted Turner and the other guy there whatever the fuck his
name is that owns Fox News has this many people listening to one fucking point of view is
absolutely fucking insane.
It's something that people warn people about.
We used to have rules on ownership of media.
We used to have rules of ownership of monopolies, you know, these fucking assholes going out
buying up all the land, these fucking assholes going out buying up all the land these fucking assholes going up buying up all the houses all of it
The whole deregulation of these guys that all started way back in the early 80s Ronald Reagan started that shit
And and they all sold
These dummies, you don't want the government in your life. You don't want big government
You don't want them in their life and they sold like the government was going to be knocking on their fucking doors. They just,
they just, yeah, they just fear mongered the thing. And it was basically, we don't want the
government telling us we can't take more and more and more and more and more. And that's basically
what has happened. And that's why you have the homeless problem. This is why you have some people
not being able to afford to live anywhere. And then the moron thing you do is you blame the standing president.
Like he's the reason unless the standing president is wearing a color tie that
makes you feel good.
So then what you do is say, well, he inherited those problems from the last
fucking guy and it has nothing to do with any of that.
The president is just somebody for you to get mad at and yell at.
That's all they do.
They're just a figurehead.
All right.
That's bleak.
That's depressing.
And that's how I feel.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Europeans don't know shit about geography either.
Bonjour, Billy Swiss chocolate balls.
Greetings from Geneva, Switzerland. Oh
Man, I would love to go there. I landed in burn one time and and connected
I believe that's where it was forget where the fuck I in an airport
I connected in Switzerland and I just wanted to miss my flight and just walk out into the country
I'm an American guy and have been living on the side
This side of the pond for about 15 years now
guy and have been living on this side of the pond for about 15 years now. I've heard you rant many times about how Europeans talk down to Americans because they think
we're clueless about geography.
Of course, Europeans are no smarter than Americans and don't know much about geography either.
Here's my anecdote about that.
That's basically what I say when I do stand up over there.
Or I tell them that they're all so fat.
I think I did that in Paper Tiger. When I first moved to Geneva I was surprised
that it is nearly completely surrounded by France. Geneva is only connected to
the rest of Switzerland by a two to three mile wide stretch of land. That's
really interesting. And if you move in any other direction, you either end up in France or a big-ass lake.
Prior to moving here, I had worked in several different countries in Africa and the Middle
East.
Since I had traveled a bit, I already had a good grasp of world geography, example,
county locations, capitals, etc.
But for some reason, I found many of the countries
in Europe difficult to remember. I moved here to work for an international non-profit organization
and when I mentioned that I was surprised about Geneva's geography, a few of my co-workers made
snide remarks saying that Americans don't know anything about geography. These folks were mostly
French and British. I replied, oh really? Do you
know all the countries in the Boklans? I also find those countries difficult to
remember. No surprise these douchebags didn't know shit. I love that you gave
them shit back. And their knowledge of Eastern European countries was
just as bad. And all these folks do humanitarian work and travel quite a bit.
Big picture, Europe is tiny compared to the US, so knowing several European countries requires the same brain power as knowing several US states and US capitals.
Exactly.
If there's any truth that Europeans know more about geography than Americans, I think it may be because most Europeans get a lot more paid vacation days than Americans.
Well, also you go one state over, it's a new country. I think it may be because most Europeans get a lot more paid vacation days than Americans.
Well, also, you go one state over, it's a new country.
And then you can be like, I've been to five countries.
Saying you've been to five states, you're still in America.
Nobody gives a shit.
I mean, you can get a fucking, you can get on a goddamn train and in three days go through
12 countries over there.
Thus, they have opportunities to travel and visit new places and subsequently
Learn a bit more about geography. There's also you know, their culture wasn't destroyed like it was over here like the British destroyed
You know all of European culture you had to come here and assimilate under British rule and be into their shit
So all of that language all of that So all of that language, all of that music, all of that food, it all went away
because it was all of this prejudice
by the latest new people that came here.
And they were all like,
I don't want my kid to speak Italian.
I don't want him to speak French.
I want him to be air quote American.
That's really fascinating.
If there is any truth that Europeans,
I already read that.
What are your thoughts on this?
I could be wrong, but as a long time listener
to the MMP, I have noticed your knowledge
of geography has improved as you
toured different parts of the world.
Yeah. I mean, that's the only way
to do it, to sit there and look at a globe
and memorize it.
You know, I mean, you could do
that. What does that mean?
I remember there used to be people that would memorize
the dictionary. it's like that doesn't make you smart it means you
have a good memory but what are you gonna do with what do you do what are
you doing with all of that I could be wrong but is it long time I'm the same
way and only really know about geography since I've gone to lots of random places for work.
I also think about getting into like, you know, F1 in MotoGP and always looking up where this race is and doing the Google Earth thing, you get more of an idea of the world but there's nothing like traveling there absolutely i mean every american
should go to asia you gotta go to asia it is fucking mind-blowing it's like you went to another
planet but it's earth and everything is the same but replaced by something different if that makes
sense everything's if they have fast food but they got their own fast food.
They have some of our shit.
Their own airlines, their own pop stars,
but it's the same fucking shit.
And people are the fucking exact same,
but totally different.
I can't explain it.
You gotta go.
It's fucking amazing.
I loved it.
Think about stopping in Geneva
as part of your next European tour.
Everyone here speaks English,
so folks will be able to understand you. And if you want to
practice your French, Geneva is a perfect place since the Swiss speak French much
slower than in France so it may be easier for you to understand. Take it easy and
go fuck yourself. I would love to do that. I would love to do all of that stuff.
But I got two little kids and I only got one shot at this so So I got I got to I got to I got to do that first.
I told you I heard Eddie Murphy say on Mark Maron's podcast, if you put your kids
first, you'll never make a bad decision.
And.
That's just something that, you know, every once in a while you just hear
something you like, that makes a lot of sense.
I'm going to fucking do that.
All right.
So that's the podcast, everybody. Have a great lot of sense. I'm going to fucking do that. Alright, so that's the podcast everybody.
Have a great couple of days.
I'll check in on you on Thursday.
And congratulations once again to NC State, man.
That's so huge.
It's been so...
I mean, I'm not the biggest College Hoos fan,
but I don't think they've been in the Final Four
in a long, long time.
And to beat Duke to get there, I'm sure they are celebrating down there in Cary, Raleigh,
the research triangle area.
But Chapel Hill's a little quiet tonight.
All right, that's it, everybody.
Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.