Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-24
Episode Date: April 29, 2024Bill rambles about putting, looking for photos on his phone, and the news. Aura Frames: Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting www.AuraFrames.com/BURR to get $30-off plus free shippin...g on their best-selling frame Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale at www.stamp.com
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday.
What the hell is it? this in Phoenix, Arizona.
Doing four shows this weekend.
I got my last show tonight.
I've been having such a good time on stage trying to get this shit together for the Hollywood
Bowl Friday night.
Been having all these fucking weird ass dreams this weekend.
I don't even understand any of them.
You know, I had this dream somebody stole my truck.
And then all of a sudden I was in a taxi cab in New York City in the 1990s and I was splitting
the cab with 1980s Janet Jackson, like 85, 86 Janet Jackson.
And she was there with her boyfriend and I for some reason told her that I had a crush
on her when she was on different strokes and her boyfriend did not appreciate it.
And I was thinking, what the hell, what does any of that mean?
You know what's great though about human beings is if I told that to somebody and even if
they didn't even know me, well I just told it to you guys. There's some of you out there right now.
I know exactly what that means. That means you have anxiety about it.
Beep beep. It's like, okay, they're dream whisperer.
No, I'm like really good at it. I just, you know what?
I'm really good at interpreting dreams. Oh, you mean you're nosy?
Is that what you're trying to say? I'm really good at it.
Well, why don't you wait until somebody else tells you that?
Anybody can say they're really good at something.
That doesn't mean anything.
It's somebody else watching you going, you know what, you're really good at that.
You got too many conflicts of interest if you yourself are telling me you're really
good at something.
Really good at interpreting dreams.
Oh yeah, what do you do for a living? I'm a pharmacist. Ah, Jesus. Anyway, I golfed
two days in a row. I don't know what I did to my, my, my calf is all tweaked. I only
did nine holes both days. I just can't, I can't fucking do it for 18 holes.
It's just, that is not a sport for, you know, someone as pasty as me.
I am a winter sport guy.
You know, anything that involves the cold going up towards the North Pole, that's how
I'm wired.
That's where my people are from my
Ancestry, you know, I can't do that Sun Belt shit
I actually played great the first day I went out. I had two pars on nine holes had a bunch of sixes and fives
Sevens and then I had like and I had one, you know, fucking 11 blow up hole.
You know what's funny on a blow up hole is like, I don't give a shit.
I just like, I'm more concerned about the people behind me.
Waiting the fucking tee off.
So I do like three putts in a row.
I go boom, and then I just walk up to it, hit it again, and then I walk up to it, hit
it again, and then I tap it in, like just to clear the fucking area.
Like what am I gonna fucking sit here and line this up like I'm good at this?
That's what's the funniest shit about golf.
And then the next day, I didn't play as well.
I still played pretty good, you know?
Bunch of sixes, sevens and fives.
I was playing like, you know, double, triple, bogey golf. And what's fucking hilarious about golf
is every time like you have a bad shot, somebody has to tell you what you did wrong.
Oh, you opened the club face up now you picked your head up
You set the ball up in the middle of your stance you wanted it more forward and you want to be like dude You just chipped out of a bunker into somebody's fucking pool. Like what what why am I listening to you?
That's actually a true story
My buddy who I'm golfing with they don't really have sand in the traps
where we're playing, it was more just like dirt.
So he tried to hit behind the ball
and it was all packed down so the club just bounced
and he just fucking hit the thing.
It went all the way, like he was literally trying
to hit this ball, you know, out of the trap,
just chip it right up on the green,
let it roll towards the cup.
Thing just fucking goes all the way over. We were, and me and Verzi were on the green, let it roll towards the cup. It thing just fucking goes all the way over.
We were, and me and Verzi were on the other side.
It went over the green, over us, over, like through these trees, into, I thought it was
going to hit the house.
I was like, oh my God, it's going to fucking hit the window.
And it just pooped like right in the fucking wall.
Deep in it.
I'm just sitting there going like this guy's giving me advice
Now what you want to do here
Just you know swing away or whatever. Oh my god. I just started telling people to shut the fuck up
You know, hey what you did there was it's just like we you shine out you hit it fat. Oh, did I?
You chunked it. I know
Oh, did I? You chunked it.
I know.
You know, I know that because I just watched you do it.
Like it's so fucking, I don't know.
It's so fucking funny.
I just wish it wasn't out in the blazing sun.
It was actually beautiful days but I don't know it is just such a
fucking it's such a fucking silly game and but I enjoy like watching people
like losing their shit like Versey's good for one but he lets it go real
quick I was saying oh my dude you like Clemens after he gives up a home run.
He goes, give me a fucking ball.
And he just wants to just keep going.
Like Verzi will have one little moment where he gets upset with himself.
And then he's really good at letting it go.
And so he had his one and we were laughing about it for the like the whole fucking round.
It was early on.
You know, he had a great drive, great second shot chipped right up and he was putting for
par and the greens were really fast.
And the thing just like lipped out and he just like grits his teeth and he goes sister's cunt
Which just was you know, you fucking whore but like sister's kind it was just so fucking
like specific
So I fucking let me in the left the whole run, but I laughed for like a hole-and-a-half
About that and then he said I didn't say it like that. I go you don't you can't walk down sisters cunt
What are you gonna act like you fucking a big smile on your face when you said that?
Fucking teeth all gritted. I don't understand why these people just don't like
Once you learn how to play guitar, it's like less frustrating.
You could be that guy at fucking a party going, wasting away again a margarita.
I didn't know you played ukulele.
You know, just.
Anyway, but actually I really enjoyed, I enjoyed the fucking hang.
And actually, my short game, I kind of went out there and I just was saying to myself,
I love the second shot, because that's the one that always kills me.
I'm great out of the traps, because I got a lot of experience.
I suck at putting.
I can drive pretty consistently and I can chip up pretty good.
But my second shot in my putting, I mean that's five strokes right there.
You know, two to get it to where I got to chip it and then like three putting.
So anyway,
So anyway, so we did that like two days in a row. We're having like great shows and I saw on the internet, and the TVs at the hotel here,
like one of them is just constantly on that fucking NFL draft.
And I watched the Lions were about ready to pick and they cut to these fucking
line fans and they were like rocking back and forth,
nodding vigorously, like some diva wide receiver.
I love when fans act, try to act,
imitate like extroverted sneaker deal athletes,
thumping that chest. You know like basketball players started that thing
I think will you hold up your jersey blah blah blah blah and that and then fans started doing it
Some fat
Mantid a cunt sitting in the stands fucking you're tugging on his fucking jersey. It's like, why are you doing that?
Why are you acting like the fucking Lakers drafted you?
Nobody drafted you.
You're in the stands, okay?
Clap and cheer.
Stop fucking acting like you have anything to do with this.
You don't.
You clearly don't.
You're in worse shape than like a fucking assistant coach. you're not even it says you're just some fucking guy
Why are you wearing a jersey?
So sorry, I'm in such a cunting mood I miss my kids my lovely wife I got to get home anyway
so oh
Anyway, so oh
And how about the fucking extra long creepy bro hug Roger Goodell like what what does he say to those people?
Welcome to the NFL if you scramble your brains will give you seven hundred dollars in 40 years
We're a big family here except you know, you're gonna sacrifice your body and I'm just gonna keep fucking having...
He looks like a potato skins guy to me.
He definitely gets the apps that guy.
He's built like he's on the Flintstones.
Something about him, very prehistoric.
Anyway, once again, once again, the draft is just on and people are watching it.
And it's just like you realize, like you can just wait till this whole thing's over and
then just read and all over fucking Instagram, these fucking nobodies going, okay, for the
second pick, the brown pick, I think this was a huge mistake.
This guy, you know, he had a good
sophomore season, but his junior season, I just didn't see the things that I needed to
see to see that this guy could fucking see the ball at the prole. It's like, who the
fuck are you? Why the fuck am I listening to you? That stupid split screen.
I like when somebody says something on Instagram that's supposed to be like deep and it's like
that's hard enough to stomach.
But then you got some person that's reposting it
and they split the screen and they're sitting there nodding
and they're pointing to their own brain.
Like, oh thank you, I couldn't process
I couldn't process this information without you holding my hand going like, this is the
part you want to listen to because it's really doink, doink, doink smart.
All right.
What else can I bitch about?
Oh, so they have these new helmets in the NFL where they have like this extra spongy
thing that you can put on
Because there's no way to protect the brain if you're gonna be getting bashed in the fucking head
So as always the fucking rugby people have to like chime in
Here's the thing I love rugby alright, but they don't hit the way they hit in the NFL they don't lead with their heads
They lead with their shoulders. You know, heads can smash together, but they're not doing it on purpose.
All right?
They lead with their fucking shoulders.
It's basically NFL football before the fucking, you know, helmets.
Right through the leather helmet era.
That's how it was.
And then they got the helmet.
And the helmet, people thought protected your head. So then these kids were taught to lead with their head and
the helmet became a weapon.
And that's what happened and your brain sits in fluid.
So all it really did was protect your skull from breaking open and splitting open,
but your brain just sloshed around your head and these guys got CTE, they fucking killed
themselves and their families, suicides and all.
It was a guy in the chiefs, he fucking, after years of playing on the line, killed his whole
fucking family and then himself, that guy in the Steelers who fucking was shooting at people and
the cops were chasing him like that doesn't happen to rugby people.
All right, it's a different thing.
We got to stop.
Both sports are tough.
You got to be tough as nails to play it, but
they're two completely different games.
And the speed with which they're played at is just completely different.
It's just completely different.
These guys, when I was growing up, you went over the middle and if they threw it up high,
a guy, an elite athlete, would run a 440 and launch himself like a missile with the crown
of his fucking head and put it right underneath your jaw.
And it was completely legal.
And these guys all paid the fucking price for it and
their brains turned to fucking mush.
So they're trying to develop these helmets that somehow prevent the brain from fucking
smashing against the skull.
So now they're having them lead with their shoulders, which is a good thing, but it's
still not, it's just not enough.
They're too fast, they're too fucking strong, and
the impacts happen too quickly.
And then it's also like on the offensive line, every play,
every single fucking play, all of those linemen smash their heads into each other.
That just doesn't happen in fucking rugby.
It just doesn't.
I'm one of the few people actually watch both sports All right
And i'm telling you rugby is a fucking
Brutal sport, but it is not played the way
NFL it's a completely different fucking game, but at a quick glance. It looks like it's the same and my favorite thing
Is all of these people that don't play either sport
Like somebody saw that they could wear this optional like thing on their head
just cushiony thing and
Some comment that goes oh god, why don't they just put tampons in this isn't man football
Oh, you mean the football that you don't play you're just gonna sit here and be like go out there and go bash your brains
And well, I sit here eating jalapeno poppers and act like I'm a real man because I can watch other men
You know
destroy their brains I
Have fucking on one this week, I don't know what my problem is
Not cheap bill. Maybe you need a tampon or right there, red face.
Anyway, I will just, I 100% support anything that's going to protect the brain, but I'm not going to lie.
It looks stupid as shit.
And you can't see the logo anymore.
But it just goes to show that if the NFL, one of the most heartless fucking organizations
out there as far as protecting and taking care of former employees, you know, after
they bashed their brains out, I think they collectively, the settlement was like 700
bucks per player.
I'm sure it was taxable too.
That's why that stupid Goodell bro hug is so fucking hilarious to me.
It's like you don't give a fuck about this person.
He should be probably like, oh man, we are going to make a ton of money off of you, you
know, until your body breaks down and you can't play this game anymore.
Save your money because you're not going to be able to walk at the end of this.
So anyway, I'm too fucking MotoGP racers behind.
Something happened.
I didn't accept the cookies or something like that and now they're fucking messing with
my membership.
So I got to get caught up.
I know Francesco Pena. He won thisekka Pekka whatever they call him. He won this week
But I'm loving his mark Marquez is competitive again
He's getting used to that fucking Ducati and it's gonna be fucking sick. The rest of the season is gonna be so sick
So I'm gonna get caught up. Hopefully this afternoon
Hopefully somebody's good with computers and can figure this shit out for me and I'm going to check that out.
But oh my God, I got one for you.
I have the MLB app and I wasn't even like, I don't know, I wasn't even thinking.
I finally clicked on it going up at the Red Sox are playing right now.
And so I clicked on MLB and I have the Red Sox and then it says audio
And I'm literally going like wait a minute like this there's no fucking way I
Can sit here in the afternoon smoke a little cigar and listen to the Red Sox on the radio
Is it is my really I might have believed that this this can like
You know actually happen and I
just fucking click on it and all of a sudden I'm listening to the Red Sox, right?
Joe Castiglione, right?
Congratulations to him, just elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Arguably the most difficult one to get into out of all the four major
sports Hall of Fame's. So I'm listening to this guy. He just like, he's basically, you
know, our Vin Scully. You know what I mean? As far as like he's been doing a long time.
I mean, there's only one Vin Scully. The guy did it for what? The 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s,
2000, 2000 teens. I mean, I don't know if anybody's ever going to break that record,
but he's the closest we got. Everybody loves him in Boston. And so I'm listening to this guy, the legendary
voice calling the game. And I'm just having a great time listening. And then he goes to by Janes they give a poop about your pipes.
It was fantastic.
That's why so much old school advertising was, they had to be funny to catch your interest.
I don't know what they do now. They just try to
Spit it out as quick as they can before you click on skip ad
But it just reminds me of like I
Mean obviously you couldn't say poop back in the day But they would always have like something silly
Or a cartoon some sort of hair tonic to grow back your hair, which of course wouldn't work
There was always stuff about aftershave
shaving cream
Like when it like baseball baseball was really like it was a like because it was the number one sport when I was growing up
And then somewhere in the 70s the NFL passed it. So I caught it right at the end
when like Baseball a huge, huge fucking
deal. It sucks that it isn't like thank God for Latino people. Like I feel like they've
literally been the ones keeping it going both on and off the field that passion for it.
But when I was growing up, like everybody was into it. Somewhere like in the 80s, I don't know what happened.
Like the NFL kind of took over in the 70s.
And then the 80s was the NBA just took over with like,
you know, Bird and Magic, Dr. J and then Michael Jordan.
And it was, and I don't think the NBA has ever reached
that height again. Like I feel like right through the bulls, the 1998 season after
that, like they've never been, um,
is high. Then they went into sort of the, uh, the super team era,
which has been going on since the Kobe shack Lakers right through.
I don't know what.
Dude, how about the fucking Denver Nuggets just having the Lakers number?
That was like one of my like as far as ever since the super team thing.
I've said this before, like my favorite, like I love the Spurs, how they did it.
That Detroit Pistons team.
There was another one that I liked.
The first Warriors, the Denver Nuggets was a great one.
I like when it's more like a team.
I hate when the team's already good and some guy just comes in and jumps in and then just puts them over the top.
Then they take that stupid picture.
and jumps in and then just puts them over the top. Then they take that stupid picture.
It's like, yeah, you guys used to compete with each other.
Now you're all on the same team.
Gee, are you gonna do well?
I've talked about this too many times.
I'm not gonna get into that.
Anyway, so I listened to the Red Sox.
They went out and won a seven and nothing.
And then I put on the Celtics.
It was like a perfect Boston sports day.
Then I put on the Celtics and they gave the heat, the beating
they should without Jimmy Butler, which was good to see. I mean there's no reason, there's no way
we should lose to this team if Jimmy Butler isn't playing. And then also we shouldn't be all excited
that we beat the heat because Jimmy Butler wasn't playing. But you know, it's not our fault he's hurt, so we should handle them and handle them quickly.
And then I put on the Bruins and I'm sitting there going like, all right, they gotta like,
you know, I don't want to get involved in this fucking 2-2 shit.
Oh my God, 3-1, so much better.
And once again, the Leafs were playing great.
They came out, they played great.
Nobody was scoring.
And then we got, what did we got?
We got one, was it late in the second period?
Then we got another on a giveaway.
And then Marshawn jumped on another fuck up
by the defense over to Poston, just scored.
And it was 3-1, and then I had to go out and go over to Boston just scored it was three
to one and then I had to go out and go go do my show maybe it was three nothing
I can't even remember and they're up three games to one so that this is my
thing as a Bruins fan having lost Patrice Bergeron and David Craigie like
as long as they win a playoff series this year and then you know they got young talent coming up free agency and that type of shit
add a couple players who knows we'll see what the fuck happens and you know I don't know like I thought like I was wincing going into this season going like, oh my God, like, like Brad Marshawn's
like he's the only guy left from that 2011 team.
All of these new guys coming in and trying to replace two legends like I just thought
we that best we were going to be middle of the pack.
So I'm pretty excited about that.
And what the fuck with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
I don't know what happens. I just don't fucking get thats? I don't know what happens.
I just don't fucking get that team.
I don't get that franchise.
I don't get their fans.
Those are some of the greatest fans in fucking sports.
The fact that they show up every fucking year, every fucking year now they're down 3-1.
The only thing you can say as a Maple Leafs fan is at least it's over quick.
You know, because I'll tell you last year, when the Bruins, I'll tell you this, when The only thing you can say is a Maple Leafs fan is at least it's over quick
You know because I'll tell you last year's one of the Bruins. I'll tell you that when the Bruins won the president's trophy
One of the most overrated things
Ever the best regular season record now fantastic. That doesn't mean shit now. We're all zero zero, right? Nobody's like dude what happened? What do you mean? What happened? We wanted the playoffs
It's not just play a team one time. You got to beat them four or seven times.
It's a completely different fucking game. So, um,
you know, last season, as much as it sucked, it was over quick.
It was over quick. And then, you know, I kind of,
I rooted for the Panthers because I was just so impressed with how they were playing.
It's like, I can't fucking hate this team.
So, that's kind of how I feel like it's like, all right,
if my team's gonna lose, just fucking lose early.
Just get it over with two in the back of the head.
All right, I'll see you next season.
Don't do this shit where you get a three, two, one,
like last game
Let's game of the season because everybody remembers that one. No one remembers somebody losing in the first round
But you lose in a final a Super Bowl or whatever. It's like you're gonna hear about that for the rest of your fucking life
I'm trying to think of anything else happen when I was out here. Oh, you know what I did when I was out here? I went and I took a drive to go look at that giant Chevrolet sign that's out here.
They have this thing like sort of that Route 66 neon sign era thing.
It was a really cool name too for a Chevrolet dealership.
What the hell was it?
Jesus Christ, I took a lot of
fucking pictures. It was like, uh, good time Charlie Chevrolet. No, that's not what it
was. What the hell was it? This is when you get to listen to how fucking old I
am. Is this it right here? That isn't it. This isn't it? That's not it? You motherfucker. Ah, Jesus Christ.
You know what's so stupid is taking photos and videos and shit, you look at it like one
time and then you can never find it again.
Then you spend like how many minutes each time trying to find it.
I bet at the end of your life you're
going to spend at least three days of your life
looking for a picture or a photo.
Anyway, one more show tonight here in Phoenix.
Crowds have been fucking amazing.
I have been pretty good.
I'm not going to upgrade, pretty harshly here.
Trying to make sure I'm gonna be ready for the bowl.
I think it's gonna be a fucking great show.
Definitely gonna try to make sure I just do stand up
as much as I can leading up to the bowl.
And then I'm gonna do it.
And Bill, make sure you take it in.
Anyway, a lot of good stuff coming up
and I just wanna get home and fucking hang with my family.
It's really what I want here.
So, all right, through the magic of editing,
you're not gonna hear any delay,
but I'm gonna be waiting for this shit.
Maybe I'll put on the Knicks game here,
see what they're doing with their fucking cocky ass fans.
We want Boston
The most New York fucking thing ever we want Boston it's like
The the level of great that New Yorkers think just because they're in New York is the funniest fucking their delusion
You guys haven't won in 51 fucking years.
You don't want Boston, you want to play off series victory.
That's what you really want.
You're not fooling anybody.
Stop acting like you're not scared of other teams.
Who do you think is buying that shit?
The fucking shit talking Knicks fan.
How funny is that?
Okay.
Well, you know, if we win the first round and you win the second, first round, maybe
yeah, I think that that's what's going to happen.
All right, just like that.
Look what happens.
Oh, look what happens.
The information I needed comes in and I can finish the podcast
While I was waiting for it. I was watching NBA fans trashing this particular NBA player for being a baby
And then they show this other guy he never would have done that it's like yeah, he would have he walked off the court during
losses no names mentioned I
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with that we move on we move on to the next scenario here.
What do we got here?
I guess we got the stuff that you guys wrote in.
All right, Tooth Fairy Alternative.
All right, so as I mentioned, you know,
one of the few things I don't enjoy about being a parent
other than listening to other parents
With kids slightly older than me act like they know exactly what my kids are gonna do when they become their age
Because they're so fucking self-involved, right?
I hate the whole fucking tooth fairy Easter bunny Santa Claus. I
Don't mind Santa Claus.
I don't mind Santa Claus if they just had the one.
You know,
because you could handle the one and just be like, all right, look,
I told a little white lie so you get a bunch of fucking gifts.
Do you want to know the real story?
It's supposed to be this guy named Jesus' birthday, and he's allegedly the son of God,
and you know, God had like impregnated a married woman.
He kind of broke one of his commandments right out of the gate, but you know, he was older. And he wanted to be a dad, so then that guy
was the son of God, and you know, he walked around,
and he was sort of like a life coach,
and then he got an entourage,
and then one of them turned on him
because he wanted to start his own business or something,
and then he got tortured to death.
Now, what do you like better?
Do you like that spun or do you like the,
there's this fat white dude, no.
No.
No.
In a red suit, you know, with flying reindeer.
I don't fucking know.
I just, I don't like this shit where I, you know,
I gotta buy into the group lie.
I start my life off like lying to my kids and then eventually they figure it out. So
The tooth fairy just seems like the most unnecessary thing
Okay, where it's just like can I you know, okay, you lost a tooth. Okay?
It's great. You're growing up. It hurt when it came out. Here's five bucks. Why can't why can't I do that?
Why does there have to be?
This magical thing?
Like all of that shit is not for kids. It's for adults.
It's for depressed adults that are just stuck in whatever governmental system they're in that is just not fulfilling them spiritually.
So what they have to do is come up with this magical shit so they can see joy and innocent in their kids eyes for as long as they possibly can and somehow hang on to that
So they can fucking go to work for another week
But meanwhile you're lying to your kids
Dear Billy Tooth Fairy
Alright Tooth Fairy Alternative
I was listening recently and heard your take on the Tooth Fairy
The name, the tradition, all of it
First off I was laughing hysterically because you
But wanted to write in and tell you what I ended up doing The name the tradition all of it first off. I was laughing hysterically because you
But wanted to write in and tell you what I ended up doing
Ten years ago. I was a widower. I'm sorry and my sons were three five and seven. Oh my god. Oh
Jesus Christ, I'm sorry that happened prime time to losing teeth
you lost You lost your wife while your kids were three, five, and seven.
My God.
They knew about the tooth fairy, but when life took an unexpected turn and it was just
the four of us, I thought it was time for a change.
Oh, when your wife passed.
Okay.
For starters, the tooth fairy was now referred to as the tooth gladiator.
Why gladiator?
I have no fucking clue.
It's just what came to me and it stuck.
It has nothing to do with homophobia.
I just never liked the term fairy.
In fact, the term gained traction with classmates and teachers at school.
Apparently, my boys enjoyed telling them how the tooth gladiator visited them.
Yeah, well, a boy's gonna like to say that way more than a fairy.
Second, forget sneaking into their room and getting the tooth and leaving money under the pillow.
Lost teeth were bagged and stuck on the fridge.
Next morning, the boys would run out and check the fridge for a note from the Gladiator and a few bucks.
This idea was out of necessity.
Single dad, full-time job, no family around to help clean, cook, do laundry, three kids
that young, I was whipped by the time they went to bed.
Seeing that bag on the fridge reminded me more than once to write the note and leave
the money before I crash for the night.
You're a great fucking dad, dude.
Anyway, it would be a huge thrill if you were to get this email, much less read it on your
podcast.
Thank you for helping me get through some really difficult days.
All the best to you and your family.
Hey, dude, I can't imagine having to go through that.
So Tooth Gladiator is pretty fucking cool.
Yeah, speaking of homophobia, there's like somebody that got like drafted in the entire post is everybody's saying the guy is gay and trashing him and all of that type of stuff. I fucking hate
people. I hate that fucking like, I just don't like this it's just that's the fucking thing where it's just like
You know you want to believe in God fine
But you want to believe in a God that actually loves you and cares about you
I just don't get it because God also made those homophobe morons
You know like how like who the fuck goes online and just incident writes a bunch of shit like that
Like for what like what is your fucking issue?
Why do you give a shit what this person is who gives a shit as long as they do the goddamn job
Who gives a fuck like the entire text thread? There wasn't one person going like hey, you know
Did you guys fucking lay off him? What's what's what's?
Fuck is wrong with you, and I just hate like I just hate how you can do it totally anonymously.
You know what I mean?
I always find that like Twitter, whenever someone would
really fucking come at me.
It was always like no face on the account, no name.
Just fucking, I don't know, it's fucking, it's depressing. 2024, still like that.
All right, Irrational Dads During Election Time.
Hey Billy, saggy tits, what's going on?
No, no, no, no.
I got my fucking, I got my revenge body together.
I am, I'm looking my revenge body together. I
Am I'm looking I'm looking pretty good these days. No fucking mantits. I
Don't know if you heard no more shinebox. No, no more mantis. I was right. I'd actually never had mantis
What I had was I had a the third peck
It was the belly in the second you get the belly even if you have pecs it makes you look like you got three boobs I was writing in on some advice about what I should do
about my dad's behavior in this upcoming election yet nothing nothing
that's if it's bothering you I just would just get away from it cut him out
of your life until the elections over For the past two elections my dad has been close to
unbearable around almost anyone in his vicinity and would go person and would
purposely go out of his way to talk politics with other people. For example,
he would invite his MAGA friends over every Thursday night for the sole purpose
of getting shitfaced and start ignorantly fighting over
politics until two in the morning.
Oh, is he now, it wasn't, oh, MAGA friends are in quotes.
I mean once somebody's wearing that red hat or if they have on the gender neutral bathrooms
button or something.
There's no talking to that person.
They are fully committed.
Once somebody puts the bumper sticker on the car, what you should say is be like, you just,
you know, anytime they just start talking, just really loudly go, oh, is that how it is?
And just keep doing versions of that
until they get frustrated and leave.
Hey, I never looked at it that way.
This guy's really on to something and just keep doing that and laughing.
Anyway. Over every day and blah, blah, blah, blah. And laughing Anyway
Over every and above above like most ignorant people he swears that he is
More intelligent and more informed than anybody and watches CNN all day
Flipping to Fox News periodically so he can scream at the television and let out some of his diminished testosterone levels.
I know as much as you're making fun of this guy, he's actually like a victim of this fucking
two party system in two, you know, all news is controlled by two white guys.
This is the liberal channel, This is the fucking conservative one. I don't know anybody
That I've seen that that watches those channels on a regular basis and isn't filled with anxiety and isn't screaming and yelling
And doesn't think that this whole country is going to shit
And I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of problems in this country, but like, like who they're saying, like these politicians is not, you got to, you got to push past it.
You got to get out of that stupid Yankees, Red Sox horse shit.
You got to get past it.
You got to get to the team owners.
If you really want to start to understand and then hold politicians equally accountable
for taking these people's bribe monies.
Bribe monies? Bribe money to do horrible fucking things.
Anyway, that's just my opinion.
Anyway, I showed him someone, something on RFK the other day,
and he absolutely ripped me a new one. He said that if Trump got elected again,
and I voted for RFK, it would be 100% my fault that he got in.
Yeah, I love when people do that.
Even if, you know, the electoral votes still went towards the blue candidate.
I'm 21 years old in college and think I have every right to make a decision on my own.
Yes, you do.
Yes, you do. Yes, you do. And I think people should encourage people to vote
for who they want to vote for.
Let me see here.
Where am I going?
I am 21 years old.
It saddens me to know that my dad has fallen victim
to the mainstream news, thinking that it's us against them,
the Democrats versus
Republicans, and it's ridiculous that come election time, most of the country may also
think this way.
Yeah, they do.
And they get ridiculously upset if you try to step back and look at the bigger picture.
And then they just start like, you know, all you know that name calling shit people do with me like he's a centrist and a blah blah blah and
this he's a this and a that and it's like you know if they could actually
refute your argument they wouldn't just be coming at you with a label or a name
you know what I mean even like that bill the fucking red hats or the the
libtards I mean both sides sound that, the fucking red hats or the libtards.
I mean both sides sound like fucking morons and I don't understand why that isn't a valid
opinion.
I mean I see liberals out in fucking Hollywood, they call like 48 of the 50 states flyover
states.
And it's done this arrogant thing like there's nothing to see there, nothing matters there.
And while they simultaneously say that the whole country's
going to shit, it's like, well, how couldn't it?
With people like you that think 48 of the states don't even
matter, because there's all just a bunch of morons in it.
It's like, they're like, I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. And then to go out into the rural areas of this country and just see how overt racism
and homophobia is, that level of ignorance.
How do you line up with either side?
Doesn't make any fucking sense to me.
It just doesn't.
There's good people and fucked up people in every fucking state, in every country, every
form of government.
None of them work because human beings are running it and we're inherently flawed.
And I just think power attracts psychopaths.
And then psychopaths hire nerds to make their dreams come true, which is coming up with
all this controlling anything from social media to this this fucking AI shit.
I mean that's what kills me. Nobody on the Democrat or the Republican side
seems to be concerned with the actual fucking issues.
All they do is just blame each other. It's like why are we moving towards robots
and AI? What what you know, nobody asked nobody's asking for this
The people that are in control want it so they can phase us out or have even more control or whatever the fuck
And you like not have to worry about unions coming back
Like unions are gonna come back in a big way right now like the level of homelessness and the fact that people work in 40
Hours a week and still can't make their bills like a revolution is going to happen in the working class like it did back in the
fucking 1800s that led to fucking unions that then of course became corrupt.
They became corrupt to like it's just human beings that were just fucking flawed.
So I think they're working on this AI shit because they know that the level that they're taking,
like it's so amazing that you see all of these people
living out on the fucking street,
underneath bridges and all of this shit.
And then simultaneously you see these slick
real estate agents showing these fucking homes
in these penthouses.
He's like, who the fuck can afford these things?
And the fact that people can afford these things,
is that why these other people have to live
under a fucking bridge? Is it that simple? I don't know
But I do know if you talk about shit like that people just get mad. They just want you know
Stick with like talking points, so
You know you're 21 years old, so you kind of open to listen to this type of stuff
I hope you hang on to that
I hope your generation hangs on to that and you can do what my generation every other generation
Hasn't been able to do which is get out of this stupid two-party fucking systems. That is
Beyond fucking corrupt. All right. I'm off my soapbox
Anyways
This guy says I'm 21 years old
In college and I think I have every right to make a decision on my own
It saddens me to know that my dad has fallen victim to the mainstream.
You know, it's us against them, Democrats versus Republicans, ridiculous that this country,
that the election, that the election time, at election time, most of the country may think that way too.
See what happens when I try to blow through a sentence I already read.
I fear our rocky relationship may take a turn for the worse
over this time as it has with all of his friends,
but I feel this is an important thing to do
regardless of what my morbidly obese Joe Rogan-looking dad
thinks.
I don't think I've ever pictured Joe Rogan morbidly obese.
He's always been in top condition.
Thanks for all the laughs.
You're one of my favorite comedians and in my opinion one of the best to ever do it.
Oh Jesus, thank you.
Go Celts and Bruins and finally go fuck yourself.
What you got to do is just approach it with humor.
You know what I mean?
Like I said, oh you just do that?
Is that what's going on?
The next time he goes off on you on politics, you could just say, hey, Dad, you know, I just came in here for a game of catch, you know, act like you're a little kid.
Or just add just I would just go silly the entire time. I wouldn't discuss politics with them.
Are we going to do this again tonight, Dad? Really, are we doing this?
At any point do you find it that maybe you should,
that watching 24 hours noon's networks is causing you to scream at your own son?
I mean, think about that, Dad.
Someday you're going to be on your deathbed.
And you're going to be thinking that in 2024. I spent 11 months yelling at my son
Because I watched 24-hour news or we could go out and go get a beer and enjoy this beautiful fucking day
Just don't curse at him. All right more business slang cyber slacking. I love that you guys
Find this shit so insane that one three men make a tiger
Meaning that if enough enough people believe it
It it can become true. They're literally admitting that they're lying and that whole thing of like
A problem is referred to as an opportunity
In corporate speak
Oh my God.
I just, I just blows my fucking mind that you're young.
You got your whole life ahead of you and you go in for dreams.
How the fuck do you get sucked into the corporate world?
I always just hope that maybe this is the generation that just
tries to do their own thing and get away from it.
I mean, I know they, I mean, what are you supposed to do?
You got to make a fucking living. But like to just keep going deeper and deeper into that soulless fucking building is beyond
me.
I never made it past the fucking warehouse.
Acted like because I'm I was a patriot.
No, I didn't make it because I wasn't smart enough to get into the carpeted area.
All right.
More business slang, cyber slacking.
Hey, Billy Belyptical, I'm a 20-year-old college student
set to graduate this coming fall.
My girlfriend of the last six months recently
has been giving me some shit about my male memory.
Let me break it down for your dumb Bostonian mind. Hey, don't blame the
whole city for my ignorance. I have a little bit of trouble remembering small
things. For example, if my girlfriend says to me on Wednesday, hey let's make
this for dinner on Saturday night, I will very likely not remember and end up
asking what she wants to do for dinner on Saturday night
this ends up making her mad and
She basically just decides that my memory is dogshit and that she can't trust me to remember anything as of the night
That I am writing you she actually decided to walk home tonight after I forgot about something
That was so stupid that I actually forgot what it was that we were arguing about.
Oh, you're like forgetting shit in real time.
I called my dad tonight, talked to him about it, and he said, that's just the way that
women are and that he's been trying to figure out how women operate for the last 25 years. He's been married to my mother
I've tried to explain
Dude, that's fucking hilarious
I tried to explain to my girl that my brain is just not wired to remember every little thing that she tells me I
Can remember anniversaries birthdays vacation dates and all that other important shit
But if she wants me to remember a 10- second conversation that we had days or even hours ago, then fucking forget it.
The male brain is just not wired that way.
I love this girl with all my heart and I truly want to be with her for the rest of my life.
However, the longer I'm with her, the more I realize that you, my good sir, are correct
with your words of wisdom.
We are always working on me.
It's never her problems or personal issues that need to be fixed.
It's always mine.
Some more advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
And as always, go fuck yourself, you redheaded ball bag.
I had a breakthrough in my relationship when I said, like, okay, I'll work on that and I'll
work on this and I'll work on that other thing.
All right?
Well, here's my question.
What are you going to work on?
Where do you feel that you need to improve?
And like she had nothing.
So it's like, all right, so you're basically saying that you're a perfect person you totally complete so anything that so you're not hearing me
when I'm telling you that I don't like something.
What works with women is neutral energy and silence that's what works with them if you fucking engage with them in a fucking argument
You know
And you start to corner them. They're gonna manipulate it. They're gonna storm out of the room. They're gonna start crying
they're gonna bring up other things and what I might what I find with women is
That there's a whole bunch of areas that you can't go to in an argument,
but that rule does not apply to them.
They can go wherever they want, especially if they feel like they're starting to lose
the argument.
So, which is going to lead them to say something fucking horrible and then later they're going
to say, sorry, sorry about that, and then just want to walk away from it.
And then you're going to carry it and then it's going to bring,
you know,
it's going to create resentment in the relationship.
So what I have found
is what works is to just,
you know,
let them get the last word in,
let them say that last really mean thing.
And then just nod,
and then just walk away, and then that's it and
then you just sit down you know and eventually they'll come back in the room and be like
hey and just be like hey are you still mad at me and just be like no all right so like, are we friends again?
It's like we were never not friends.
I mean I don't appreciate what you said, but I know enough that I'm not going to tell you
that I don't appreciate it because I know you're not going to hear it and it's just
going to start an argument again.
So I'm trying to figure out, you know, I guess I just have to accept that you're gonna say these
horribly mean things in an argument that have nothing to do you just you just
kind of go that way and what you're actually doing is you're kind of talking
about it in a way like you're trying to like you know I'm not asking to change I
know better than to do that I'm just gonna live with your fucking bullshit and I have to figure it out.
You don't say it that way.
That's just kind of how, you know, you get an apology from a woman by not asking for
one and just walking away.
But if you're walking up to them and go, no, you've got to fucking apologize to me.
They get all in their fucking ego and then they go like DEcon 5 on manipulation, and they try to flip everything around and stuff
Now this is just what I'm saying if you're right in the argument
so
As far as her like storming off and walking home or whatever
You know I mean that's a dangerous thing to do She walking along a busy road is a bad part of town
Every place seems like a bad part of town nowadays
But you know if that's what the fuck show as she storms off and goes home and it's just like I
Think that you just come home and it's just it's just neutral energy
She's gonna be stomping all around the apartment, and just
let her.
You know?
Oh, that's right.
You don't even give a fuck, do you?
Just do all of that shit and just be like, you know.
I mean, what am I supposed to do with this behavior right now?
You literally just stormed out of the sandbox like a like a fucking three-year-old
Now see you can't say fuck. I mean, it's I'm telling you it's like dismantling a bomb
Now I get it, you know, I get it you're upset you're upset you storm off you walk home
You're mad at me because I can't remember
What you said?
Do you want to get like post-its and start writing down everything you said and stick
them to my body?
We'll put them in alphabetical order so when you ask the questions I can go through it
like a post-it Rolodex.
I don't know.
The more I talk about this the more I'm getting annoyed with the fucking person you're with.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I'm better like in the moment when I can like hear what they
said but like when I started actually being heard in my relationship was when I stopped
arguing with my wife.
And I was just like, all right, all right, cool. And I literally, you won by letting them win.
Because what they really want in that moment
is for you to say the last fucked up thing
so they can storm out.
So what you do is you let them say the last fucked up thing.
And then you just nod and you get quiet. And then that makes them think about what the fuck they up thing. And then you just nod and you get quiet and then that makes them think about what the
fuck they just said.
Nothing you're ever going to say to a woman will ever make her think about what she's
doing unless you're with a really evolved person.
And I'm going to say because you guys are in your 20s, you're still figuring out a lot
of shit that's a really rare person I mean took me. Oh
My god, I mean it took me till I was like late 40s
To my early 50s to actually be able to hear what my wife was saying to me
So, you know, I'm not trying to make it seem like you know, these bitches are fucked up
I'm not saying that but in your situation
Like what are we doing here? I can't remember what we're having for dinner for Saturday night.
So now you're fucking getting out of the car or leaving the bar and walking home by yourself.
I mean, let me ask you this.
What if I remembered?
Would there be an equal level of excitement?
Would balloons come down from the ceiling?
I don't know.
Anyway,
I mean,
I think it's cool that you can call your dad up
and he can empathize with you and just
be like, you know, it's just how they are and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And it's just like, you know what's funny about that is that most women would hear that
and it doesn't make them in any way examine their own behavior, that they're doing this
to the men in their lives.
They just look at us like we're fucking idiots
And that's why men golf
That's why you know, there's 18 fucking holes that's such a weird number it's not 10 It's not 15. It's not 20. It's 18
It's not 10. It's not 15. It's not 20. It's 18
Somebody figured out the perfect number that you could go out there and it's a combination I can get away from my wife and this is the absolute limit of time that I can get I can be away
Without her getting mad again now that I was away and then basically
Ruining whatever I got out of being away,
because now she's mad that I was away.
18.
Like fucking test pilots that figure out
the performance envelope of an aircraft.
All right, you can go to this speed.
Anything beyond this, this fucking thing is going to rip apart
or you're going to have whatever, fucking engine failure,
you're going to kill yourself.
18 fucking holes.
Because it could have been 10 or 15 but the guy they didn't want to go home what's can we get away
with 16 all right let's try it let's try it 17 18 we're going for 19 let's do it
then she flipped out all right 18 keep it 18 18 holes that's that's the fucking
limit and then you come home
But anyway, you know with your girl you just be like I don't understand what the problem is I love it with all my heart. I'm a good guy. I don't fuck around on you and
You know, yeah, I forget what we're having on dinner for dinner Saturday night
And it's just like the level of upset that you are by that. I
Mean, what are you gonna do when something actually, the shit actually really does hit the fan?
You're going to fucking jump off a building.
I mean, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
Because I do.
You know, you got to have a little bit of balls.
You got to have the fucking balls to like, you know, piss them off a little bit.
I mean, that works both ways.
I don't know. I, you know, piss them off a little bit. I mean, that works both ways. I don't know.
I don't know, dude.
Um, it's, you know, it's just how they are.
You know what you should do?
You should tell her something.
Okay.
I'm gonna play hockey, to stay anywhere and whenever she forgets
You should just in a mocking Lee way fucking storm off
You know or just say you like, you know, just no, you know
I think they actually really remember shit like that cuz they always keep tabs on you
They want to know where the fuck you were just tell her, you know
Whatever what is that guy?
Tyler O'Neill, he's got, he just hit his ninth home run for the Red Sox.
And then bring that up like a few days later.
You remember that?
How many home runs did I say that guy had for the Red Sox?
Oh my God, how could you forget that?
You don't listen to me.
God, listen to my voice.
Fucking three shows screaming my jokes
Getting all Billy raspy here. How am I sound like to me more here? All right, that's the podcast
Thank you guys for listening
and
I'm celebrating another year of not watching the NFL draft. I will never
Fucking understand that people going to it
Well, what are you gonna do next you're gonna watch them like you're gonna sit in a room where they make up the new kickoff rule
Sit in that meeting for the whole fucking week
decked out in jerseys
sit in that meeting for the whole fucking week decked out in jerseys.
Anyway, well, maybe that's just a way to get away. That's your 18 holes of golf.
I should shut the fuck up.
All right.
Have a great weekend or great week.
Couple of days.
Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.