Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-24
Episode Date: May 6, 2024Bill rambles about the performing at the Hollywood Bowl, no-cash bail laws, and misandrists. Zip Recruiter: Try for free at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR Aura Frames: Listeners can save on the perf...ect gift by visiting www.AuraFrames.com/BURR to get $30-off plus free shipping on their best-selling frame.
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, December, December, no, May.
How the hell did I get December? May 6th, 2024. What's going on? How are ya?
Ah, geez. I'm recording this on May 5th, also known as Cinco de Mayo out here in California.
I think at this point it has gone national.
I never heard of Cinco de Mayo until I came out here, when I first moved out here in the
90s.
And I clearly remember asking somebody, when is Cinco de Mayo?
So for other people as white as me, It literally means the fifth of May.
So my lovely wife's like, we should take the kids out for an early Mexican cuisine dinner.
It's like this is, this is like literally is like the Valentine's day of getting Mexican
food.
Why would we do this today? I'm not standing behind 200 groups of white people coming out to get fucking tacos to
act like they give a shit about something they don't.
They just want the tacos.
They taste good.
You know, that's what I can do.
I can do it today.
I do it on the sixth.
What is that?
One, two, three, dos, tres, cuatro,
cinco, seis,
or siete.
That's the best.
That's the best sounder number.
Siete de Mayo.
That's when I go out.
I'm not going out Cinco de Mayo.
But I haven't said that.
Happy Cinco de Mayo to actual Mexican people
Happy standing in line day for my people and all other groups of people
Anyway here we are here we are guess who feels like he doesn't have a fucking piano on his back anymore this guy
this guy
Friday night
This guy, Friday night, Trace De Mayo. I did, I actually went French there, Trace De Mayo.
I went Trace.
I can't speak any of them.
I played the Hollywood bull, all right, with Nate Craig and Dean Del Rey.
And then special guest was John Lovitz.
He came out in the middle of my act and we shit on each other for about a minute.
I pretended I was thirsty and he just came walking out.
Place went fucking crazy cause he's John Lovitz.
And then they also,
the people that actually saw that podcast where we trashed each other,
which I had no idea people were going to like it that much.
It was one of the most popular podcasts I've ever done. I was just trashing each other
But anyway, I'll take you through the day. So
Friday comes along
And that was such a big gig for me that I was literally like paralyzed like I couldn't work out
I didn't go play drums. I couldn't go far around the neighborhood. Nothing. I was just like laying in bed looking at Nia going, ah,
like I'm like, I know it's going to be good,
but I just want to get over there and do this. And then I had,
you know, a zillion people on the guest list. Cause I've,
I've lived out here for almost 20 years. I mean, it was like,
I felt like I was getting married again.
You know what I mean?
When you're making out like the guest list
and this person, they need to add one
and this person can't make it.
And who should sit with who?
Where do we put this, you know, people last second
hit me up and just wanted to make sure that everybody got in,
which happened thanks to Club Soda Kenny.
And meanwhile, I ordered I rented a classic Cadillac to drive over there. I got a 1965 gold on gold Cadillac Coupe de Ville convertible. And when I
first got behind the wheel, but I was like, I don't know if I like this
It's a little weird, you know, it's funny those cars look huge and then you get inside of them
They're nowhere near as big as the cars today like a fucking SUV
Everybody always like taught me and that car was like fucking 90 feet long and weighed a fucking ton
It's not like a 65 Cadillac Coupe DeVille
Tudor is a paperweight compared to something that a fucking soccer mom is
driving down the street in. Like,
like those Teslas weigh like fucking 10,000 pounds, you know, not that much,
but you know what I mean?
So, um, I drove it like half a block. I was like, you know,
I don't know if I like this. And half a block. I was like, you know, I don't know if I like this.
And half a block later I was like, oh, I can get into this and had the armrest down and
I was leaning and I was like, this is fucking amazing.
And I don't know what it had.
And I know it had a V8, but the ignition was right in the center of the dashboard.
And you left it at 12 o'clock.
If you went to the auxiliary, you could wear down the battery, which I did the night after
the bowl, you know, because I got out, it was dark out.
I'm just used to turning it all the way to the left.
And I came out the next day to take everyone, all the family out to
breakfast. I had a dead battery but I called AAA. We were fine. But anyway, so
finally it's the moment of truth. I'm going over there. I get in the car to do
sound check at like four in the afternoon and then there's no point of
me driving all the way, all all the way all the way fucking home
Tom I got home. I you know fucking hour drive. I gotta come right back. So I
Drive over there
And I'm feeling pretty good, but I'm also let's just like I just want to get on fucking stage, you know, so
I pull in of course, I go in the wrong way,
then I gotta get out, and then I pull in. Everybody's loving the car.
And I get out and I'm like, all right, here we go.
Fucking Hollywood bull.
And I meet Club Soda Kenny there, everybody else,
and literally just dropped my stuff
and walked right out.
I took video of it.
I posted it on Instagram of just walking out and seeing the Hollywood Bowl empty from the
stage.
And like just this, I don't know, I can't even explain it.
It was just incredible, iconic, adrenaline Russian.
And I knew in that moment, I'm like, I'm going to fucking murder tonight.
Not going to have a good set.
I'm going to fucking murder.
You know, I'd gone out to the comedy store Wednesday night and Thursday night.
I did two sets a night, did different parts of my acts.
Everything was all, you know, stretched, you know, no tight hammies on any of the jokes.
I knew what the fuck I was gonna do for the most part
I had a new joke that I'd been opening with and I was like fuck this
I'm opening at the ball with it because then it'll just make me feel like I'm doing a spot
so
We do soundcheck they got you know, they got a little coffee machine there
So I have a what I have I had So I have a, uh, what'd I have?
I had a, I had a latte I think.
And then Dean got some sort of green thing that Mark I drink that had a
espresso shot. I was like, you know, I might get one of those later, right?
So, you know, everybody's coming in and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I'm just sitting there, sitting there, sitting there.
I got a ton of people in the green room. That's not,
some people like to be alone.
I like to just have everybody in the green room talking,
shooting the shit, busting balls, love it shows up.
And all we do is just trash each other, having a great time.
And yeah, and then the frigging show starts.
Nate goes out to open, absolutely kills.
He brings out Dean, Dean crushes, and then I go out there.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, you know, a long time ago, Richard Pryor played there on one
of the first gay pride days.
And he went out there and he opened with, he opened, his opening line was,
you know, I sucked a Dick once and the place went nuts.
It was really talking about, he got molested by this guy. Um,
but they didn't know that. Right? So he does that bet.
He immediately gets the gay crowd totally on his side
and he just was setting them up to basically
say why should I give a fuck about you guys where the hell were you when Watts
was burning you know when they were having all the all the riots after
Martin Luther King was assassinated civil rights all of that type of stuff
where the fuck were you guys you You guys are in, in,
in West Hollywood not doing shit for me. Why the fuck should I give a fuck about
you?
90% of them didn't get it started booing him and he didn't give a fuck,
told them all to go fuck themselves and they'll, and then he left.
And then I was thinking like, you know, as much as he was Richard Pryor,
there was still, you know, that venue at that point was already 50 years old and all these
amazing people had played there and he still had the balls to do that.
So I was thinking like, I can open with a new joke, right? So, um, I went out there and the energy
was insane and the feeling of being on that stage was just indescribable.
It landed somewhere. It was like a hybrid between doing Red Rocks and doing the Acropolis
in Athens, where both are like sort of these amputee
theater things. Um, I mean, nothing was quite like the Acropolis.
Acropolis was like ridiculous.
I felt like I was,
I went in a time machine back a couple thousand years with everybody dressed
like it is now. I mean, it was, that was something else.
And then red rocks has like that psychedelic vibe to it.
So this one had like golden age Hollywood, but also that outdoor thing, because there was a lot of like, you know,
people not in show business that were in the crowd. So they would bring in that energy. And, um,
I did the opening joke. It's a pretty fucked up one and, uh,
it did well, but it was, it definitely made people be like, Hey, you know,
well, what are we doing here? I felt, and,
and I just laughed at the end of it and I didn't give a,
and I just freed me up. And yeah, I just caught a zone and I just fucking...
I just... it was... it couldn't... it just could not have gone any better. And then, you know,
Lovitz the whole time he's backstage, you guys, so when are you going to bring me out? Like 20, 30?
I was like, John, I don't know. Whenever it feels like the right time, I'll, you guys. So when are you going to bring me out? Like 20, 30? I was like, John, I don't know.
Whenever it feels like the right time, I'll bring you out.
And then I'm sitting there going in my head, but what if I'm killing so fucking
hard, I don't want to bring them out and blah, blah.
And then I was thinking like, no, this is like a cool, really cool thing that all
old school entertainers used to do.
And as I've been telling you guys, I watched that Steve Martin documentary and
he goes out with Martin Short
and they have such a good time together. And I recently did Dave Chappelle's comedy club and we were on stage together after every one of my sets.
So I was like, no, this is you kind of being like, you know, Billy the loner, isolated
Bill, hurt as a child Bill, fuck this shit, open yourself up, bring this guy out.
So I just felt, you know, like the moment was right about like 20 minutes in.
And I was, you know, the bit was, you know, this is kind of room temperature, you know,
I'd love to have a cold water out here and it'll be a diva.
And all of a sudden he just comes walking out and like people down front,
cause they didn't have a spotlight arm, could see him.
And they started going nuts, place what nuts and uh, you know,
we just trashed each other. And if you saw the podcast,
he walked off stage as I was making fun of him.
He was singing that song. Bill Burr likes it in the butt.
You know what I love about that song is butt is way funnier than ass.
Like ass it kind of flows.
It sounds like there's lube involved, but there's something about butt.
It just seems like it's, it's, it's a lot more violating and way more insulting.
So he was singing that song, which he used to sing to Bob
Saget. I was giving John shit about that. He just recycled all your Saget
material. Now that he's dead, now you're gonna fucking put it on me, you know? And
then he's like, oh I got some new ones. And then he did. He did have some new
ones. And he said something. Said I had a camel toe or something.
And he was like, your turn, doing that stuff.
And then he walked off.
And it didn't disrupt the set at all.
It was just sort of this fun little thing that was way out of character for me to do.
Like I said, I grew up a f*****g loner, you know,
my family was sort of not the most social family.
We lived on a busy street. Everyone around us was sort of older or younger.
They didn't have kids or they were like empty nesters.
So there was really nobody to vibe with for a critical like eight years of my
life. So, um, anyway, and then I just,
you know, was doing the rest.
Oh, I forgot to mention Dean brought me one of those caffeine, the, the, the, the, the, the Macca things with the green thing with the fucking espresso shot.
I had already had a latte and when I went out there for the first like 10
minutes, I was like lightheaded and I'm like, what's going on?
We're not at altitude. I'm not nervous.
Am I fucking freaking out somewhere? And
I just remembered a long time ago,
I used to do the Aspen comedy festival and that thing you'd get out of breath.
So I just started doing, slowing down, taking bigger breaths. And it went away.
And it wasn't until after my set, I was thinking like, you know,
I hadn't drank coffee for like a week and then I just had like three shots for whatever reason on kind of an empty stomach
because I didn't feel like eating and I just think it made my heart rate already go up and then I was
so fucking excited to be at the bowl that I was kind of like had to pace myself. I was literally
at one point going like am I going to be the first fucking asshole to faint during his own set?
But the lovely Nia was there and um,
she said you couldn't even notice. So I said, all right, good. I mean, I knew,
I, I know it enough to just, you know, just keep rolling with it.
Nobody's noticing, just calm down.
So I breathe my way through that shit. And like I said, it just, um,
I went over my time a little bit. I really didn't even want to leave. It was fucking incredible.
And I want to thank every single person that came out that made that possible. Um, thank Netflix for having the festival and it was just fucking awesome.
So then I get off stage and everybody's all smiles, but they're always looking at the
performance like, did you like it?
Did you like it?
Because so many times a performer gets off stage, dude, that was great.
They're like, no, it wasn't.
I missed a tag eight minutes in. And like, I'm too old to do that shit.
I mean, I didn't give a fuck that I was a little lightheaded when I went out there
because I drank three shots of fucking espresso like an idiot.
Um, I didn't give a shit.
I, I, I loved it.
And I love that even at that little lightheaded thing happened and I was able
to get through it, I love that I brought, you know, me and Lubbitz did that and that worked. And
I did every fucking thing that I wanted to do and did like an extra 10 minutes just to
get as much out of it. Almost like I got a late checkout at a hotel, you know? And
I was just grinning ear to ear and everyone was telling me I did a great
job and then my wife comes in and I saw the look on her face and that, you know, when
she told me I killed, that's the big one, you know, because that's the thing they don't,
you know, not too many people talk about that, but comedians wives, like, like when they
come in with the, when your wife comes in, a you know She's seen your act a bunch of fucking times when she comes in with a big smile
It's like alright, you know, I I know I I know I got that one and then
Yeah, and then we just went over to the after party was just all my friends and family and all that type of stuff
and we just hung out and
You know, it's funny somebody was saying, you know, you've played all these places, you know, what's next? Like, what is there left to do?
Which I get why people say that. It's like, what's next? I'll tell you what's next. The next fucking killer chunk of material that makes me excited that I could do upstairs at the belly room in the comedy store and I would still feel like I'm floating when I'm going home.
Like, whenever I start to feel a new chunk coming, I get like this high and it's the exact same high I got the first time I ever did stand up.
I didn't even do well. I was supposed to do five minutes only to three. I bailed. It was a competition. I didn't even come close to winning it.
But it wasn't about that. It was about having the balls to go up there when they called your name
And I remember driving home in my 83 Ford Ranger listening to Motley Crue kickstart my heart
And I was fucking singing the song and screaming and I had the window up
They had the window down and it was just fucking awesome and ever it's just kind of been that
You know, I'm not gonna lie to you. There's been some it's been some rough ones, but like overall that's kind of like what it's been. So,
yeah, there you go, man. That's, that's, yeah, and everybody held this, like, is that going to be
your next special? I'm like, yeah, that's going to be my next special. But I know better than to,
I know better than to, uh, you know,
I know what venues work for me. You know what I mean? Like, I know, like I know Chris did his there and I thought his was awesome when he did his
live one there, but it's also like he did it. He did it. He just did one there.
So I kind of feel like that's Chris's room a little bit, you know? So, um,
I'm going to do my next one. I'm going to do it in Seattle, which I think is gonna be a fun vibe because they're like
That's a fun city cuz you like in the city they're super liberal and then you get right outside it
And it becomes like red hats really quickly, which is what LA is like, you know, it's like
in here and like
Hollywood It's like in here in like Hollywood bunch of liberals you go on the other side of the fucking hill right through the valley and you get out there
And then there's like gun stores and just you know regular shit like you see in most of the country. So I that's like
You know the perfect crowd. I want liberals conservatives and a nice mix of people
conservatives and a nice mix of people hopefully then it just opens up you can talk about anything alright so there we go that's that's my Hollywood Bowl
experience now let's talk about my sports experience since I last talked to
you the Bruins lost game six to Toronto and then play had to go back home with the series
tied up yet again back to back years being up three to one are we going to
blow it again and came home.
Yeah, say at the TD bank North garden and had to play a game seven against Toronto and
fucking two periods just nobody's scoring and I got to tell you something man like those
announcers were just blowing the fucking goalie for the Maple Leafs.
They go like well you girls when he makes a save like that,
that gives a boost to this team that this guy is on.
It's like, we just shot it right into him.
We kept shooting it right into his stomach.
And they were acting like he was doing a full split,
making a glove save.
So anyway, they score finally with it felt like you know 10-12 minutes left in the game
and I was just going like, oh man, we are just flat as fucking hell.
We don't have any jump.
They're shutting us down.
And then I don't even know who the fuck it was.
Someone who never score. Was it Linholm. I think it was Linholm
Who had like three goals the whole year
Gets the puck and just pauses collects himself didn't rush it and
Just snipes one off the shoulder off the pipe
The post as I used to call it into the net to tie it up
right after they scored.
We were like, holy shit.
And I was just going like, oh my God, they're going to fucking blow this again.
Toronto is going to fucking blow it again or break their hearts.
They're not really blowing it.
They're just breaking their hearts.
They couldn't just fucking lose in five games.
So then it goes into overtime and it didn't last long.
And Lin, like that
fucking pass, he wasn't throwing it to space. That was a fucking pass. He couldn't put it on
pasta stick because it was a defenseman there through it in front of him came right off
ping pong off right onto his fucking stick. And pasta was like forehand backhand in the back of the neck and just once again, I gotta tell you
I
don't know what to say to leaf fans and
Even that organization like they're like they're sitting there trying to solve the problem
It's like they've done every fucking move you could make
For as long as I can remember like what do they do now? Like they must be like nose-blind
as long as I can remember like what do they do now like they must be like nose-blind ship everybody out bring a bunch of new people in did that fire a
coach get a new one they've done that get a new fucking GM they've done that
what what what the what do you do break you know the core fours at time to break
them up I don't know what happens to them in the playoffs I don't understand
it and I hate that it happens to them every year
Even though they fucking hate the Bruins and they're always they're always fucking shitting on us like it's our fault that you guys lose
It isn't we don't rub it in your face. We hate the Canadians
you know, so
My thing is like I hate that the Leafs keep losing
because
The Leafs losing is all Habs fans have now.
So I want the Maple Leafs to win a cup more than anything.
Bring a cup back to Canada and, you know, and let the Canadians be sitting in a long drought, you know,
which they already are. 31 years. So, I don't know.
This year didn't seem from the reactions that I saw
from Maple Leaf fans. They're just like numb to it. They're just like, I mean, every fucking
year, you know, if you're a real Leaf fan, you knew they were going to figure out a way
to not win that game seven and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all this shit. And the
usual stuff that happens when you lose and you start trashing all your stars and all of that.
And I don't know. But I can't, I can't, didn't, you know, some, I heard them on
the broadcast was saying that the Leafs won a first round against Tampa a few years ago. But when I go on the internet, it says that they haven't won a playoff series since 2004.
So I don't know what it is. So the very least they've only won one playoff series since 2004. So I don't know what it is. So the very least, they've only won one playoff series in the last 20 years. I don't know. You know, I don't know. I don't know. So I'm not
even gloating as a Bruins fan. I just sit, take on like I can't fucking believe we beat them again
in a fucking game set. We beat them three game sevens in the last, I don't know how many,
I think in 18, 19 and now is that what it is? Last year we lost to last, I don't know how many, I think in 18, 19 and
now is that what it is?
Last year we lost to Florida.
I don't know.
I got kids now.
I can't keep any of the years in, but um, Maple Leaf fans, I don't just stop hating
on the Bruins.
All right.
It's not, we, we don't hate you guys.
We hate the Canadians just like you, you know, we'd love to see, we obviously we want our
team to win, but we don't win. We'd love to see you. We obviously we want our team to win, but if we don't win
We'd love to see you win one
okay, just make sure your hatred is focused in the right direction because I
Got like texts from three different Habs fans that were like, thank you so much for beating
The maple leaves. I know it's I guess it's English speaking Canada first phony French
Canada, it's like speaking Canada versus phony French Canada.
It's like you're not French.
You're Canadian.
Nobody in France gives a fuck about you.
They don't. They don't consider you. They think you...
They probably hate your French more than mine.
And I'm terrible at it.
All right. And with that, we're on to the Reads here for this week.
Where am I going here?
Oh, by the way, I got a great run of dates coming up.
I got Columbus, Ohio, Nashville, Tennessee, who unfortunately got knocked out by
the Vancouver Canucks, but I'm happy for the Canucks.
I'd love to see a Canadian team win it.
And they were like the number one, they won the President's Trophy, you know? And, um,
they were like the number one, they won the president's trophy. Did they?
They had a great year. I do know that. Um, and then I'm, I'm working, uh,
I think Winston Salem, North Carolina, North Carolina is always a fucking fun state to drive through.
There's always some cool restaurant here or there to check out some mom and pop
classic cars or whatever. It's, it's great. So any who, um, also the day after the day after I go to the
bowl, you know, I kept that caddy for an extra day and my, my wife had a,
a shoot that she had to go do. So she wasn't around on Saturday and I, um,
I called up Dean Delray and Joe Bartnick and we just took a nice fucking long ride with the
top down and it was just, it was fucking, I can't even tell you, man,
like those old Cadillacs with the, I was, I've never been a convertible guy.
Like, uh, I don't like the, like a convertible on a small car is just,
to me it's just like a Hollywood starlet. It's like a chick car, right?
Those big ones, I mean, you just start feeling like
Nick Nolte in 48 hours, you know,
where all the windows should be down
except for that one triangle window in the back,
that sky blue Cadillac that he had.
I'm a rag top man.
Hammond!
I'm a rag top man.
Hammond!
Yeah, we cruised over to this great coffee spot
over East LA, you know, we just had a fucking great time.
And we were stuck in traffic and we just didn't give a shit.
We're just laughing, talking comedy and music and all of that shit.
And just cruised around. It was really just a perfect, like the next day. I will tell you this, like the day after a huge gig, um,
is, uh, is as fun as the huge gig is,
you know, the rush of doing the huge gig.
I feel like the next day when you, when,
when you just feel like that piano has been lifted off your chest of like, you know, whatever you do, don't fuck this one up, you know, um,
just waking up the next day.
I've had that feeling so many fucking times.
I remember the morning after hosting SNL,
and it went great, it couldn't have gone any better.
I remember waking up the next day,
and you know, I hear sometimes performers have hangovers,
like, oh, you know, like brides have that, you know?
The focus is all on them and then the next day,
they just wake up, their first day of being married
and their time as a princess is over
and they're like bummed out.
Like I remember Nia was like bummed out,
like, I don't know, it was like nothing to plan,
there's no excitement or whatever.
I was like, what are you talking about?
We got the rest of our lives.
You know, you fucking gave her a little
halftime speech, little Lake Pass placid speech, you know?
So I don't have that like the day after like a big gig.
I am.
I feel like I'm on vacation.
So.
You know, you just get so hyper focused on it. And then once it goes away, then it's like the whole universe just opens back up.
Like, I think I'm gonna ride around on an old Cadillac and go get a cup of coffee with some friends of mine.
And not have to, I don't have a gig tonight. I don't have anything.
So anyway, and then today I spent the whole day with my kids just having like the best
time.
Oh my God, they're so funny.
They're just so goddamn funny.
And they're really starting to get older.
So now they're like messing with each other.
They're really passive aggressive towards each other.
You know, like, you know, that guy in your hockey team whose job is to get under the
skin of the other team,
just doing little tiki-tack shit
when the ref's not looking, the ref's the parents
and this is what they do to each other
and then you turn around like,
what is going on with you two?
He pushed me, he's copying me, all of that stuff.
It's hilarious.
So anyway, let me do the reads here for this week.
Couple of quick little reads, little advertisements here.
What do I got?
Oh, for God's sakes.
You know, at some point, I'm really gonna, I always, I say this every week, at some point,
no, no, no, no, no.
I had it.
I had it and I just made the window go away.
Is this it?
If this is it, Please let me know.
No, these are all the reads.
Oh, here we go. Here are the reads. Oh, look who it is everybody. It's ol' Zip. Recruiter!
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Terms and conditions apply.
Oh, those goddamn terms and conditions.
Terms of endearment.
And the Oscar goes to...
I don't think I ever saw that one.
So anyway, what was I going to say?
Yeah. So that's what people were asking me.
They were asking me, now that you've played this place,
you played that and all that stuff,
what is there left to do?
You know what there's left to do for me
to have a killer stand-up special?
What's left for me to do is to go to Columbus, Ohio,
Nashville, Tennessee, Winston-Salem, North Carolina,
and give those people their money's worth.
That's what's left to do.
I just keep doing that.
What else am I going to do?
Stop doing this?
Sit on my back porch and stare out into the woods. I mean, I love doing that but you know, I
Also have gigs coming up so I enjoy it
But if I had no gigs coming up, I would just stare out into the woods until I went fucking nuts
And I'm you know, I'm crazy enough. I need to have stuff to do. All right, so let's read your questions for the week
Comedy store and Hollywood Bowl.
Hey Bill, I'm a big fan and I'm out here in LA for a couple of months working from Australia
and was at the Comedy Store for your main room drop-in on Wednesday.
Nightstand had tickets to to the Hollywood Bowl. Just wanted to say thanks for a couple of
unforgettable nights. It was so cool seeing how the jokes from the Comedy Store had developed and refined over those few short days
And been woven into the longer format show
I had never been to the Hollywood Bowl before despite having seen many live
performances at almost every other venue over the years in this city
And I couldn't have asked for a better debut at that at the venue.
Well I mean that must be extra sick. I mean if you're in Australia, you know, you going to see a
show at the Hollywood Bowl would be like me going to like Royal Albert Hall or uh what's what's
somewhat what you know what the um what's that one in Sydney?
Sydney was it not the opera house to Sydney?
The fuck I did a gig there.
The one that has, it's like all the shells coming up.
God damn it. I, my fucking memory is just going.
Um, that was a huge deal for me.
Performing at that one, because that's also the
one where Frank Sinatra went on and he called that, that critic a $2 whore.
He ever read that story?
Three dollar whore or something.
And there was all these feminists in the crowd and they didn't like it.
I mean, it didn't get the biggest laugh.
There's actually audio of it and they made such a stink about it that they said they
weren't going to let them leave the country.
The prime minister wasn't going to let him leave the country unless he issued a formal
apology to the reporter.
So Frank gets word of that and he pours himself a drink.
He's up in this penthouse suite in Sydney, Australia.
And he says to his lawyers, he pours a drink.
He goes, well, I'm not apologizing, so now what?
And there was this giant fucking standoff.
I can't believe they haven't made a movie about that or fucking done some animated short.
You know, maybe those Mike Judd things, the Tales from the Road, all the musicians,
that would have been a great one.
That would have been a great one.
I didn't see every episode of that.
They might have done that one.
So anyway, that's so cool that you came here to America and you got to see a show at the Hollywood Bowl.
I'm humbled that it was me. to America and you got to see a show at the Hollywood Bowl.
I'm humbled that it was me.
I mean, fucking Jim Morrison, one of the great concert films of all time with the doors has
been on that stage.
Frank Sinatra.
When you go back there and you see pictures of Jimi Hendrix on the stage and everything,
that's maybe that being another reason why I felt a little lightheaded when I went out
there.
That was a lot.
This guy says, thank you very much for a magical night last night.
Again, you fucking killed it, man.
Thank you.
And you know what?
I did kill it.
And I accept that fucking compliment.
This is the new me.
Like, well, you know, the lighting and the sound or whatever.
Yeah, that was all great.
And so was I.
All right.
I'm a good person.
All right. No cash bail.
Bill, you mentioned no cash bail in New York. Literally no one I know is for this.
Yeah, I don't understand how that came about.
Everybody says liberals did that.
Was that in the reaction to those Rico laws or whatever?
Well, they put those those fucking girlfriends of drug dealers because they had nobody to flip on and they went to jail for the rest of their life.
So they overcorrect the other way and they let psychos go out and kill cops and all that horrible shit that's been happening.
Just it doesn't it doesn't does it feel like anybody's holding the steering wheel of the country right now
That's why I can't talk about this fucking election. It's just like two elections in the row three elections in a row
Has been our fucking idiot is better than your fucking idiot You know
Like John McCain first Barack Obama that was like two competent fucking individuals. I
Will say Bush and Gore was a bad one
Clinton verse Bob Dole was a good one Clinton verse George Herbertle was a good one. Clinton versus George Herbert Walker was a good one.
George against Mike Dukakis before he stuck his head out the tank.
That was a good one.
Like there's been like Walter Mondale against Reagan.
They've always been like good matchups, you know.
Reagan Carter was a good one.
I mean, I don't know if anybody, Reagan Carter was a good one. I mean,
I don't know if anybody knew that Reagan was going to just let corporations run
wild. That was kind of his fucking, you know, bad,
I guess that he listened to them,
but he also fucking outspent the Russians and help end the cold war.
So you got to give them the thumbs up on that, you know,
deregulating all of these fucking corporations so they can now do whatever the fuck they want and i just love how they're fucking this
whole country up and like there's this giant segment of the white population that is still
blaming minorities literally minorities they're minorities how are they running shit they're not
making any policy they didn't poison our food. They didn't pour his poison the water supply
They don't make decisions to get us involved in wars I mean, I don't understand that oh, you know, it's ruining this country fucking illegal immigration
Is that what is that? Why is that what's ruining it?
That's what's ruining it. I literally saw this fucking video of this guy
He bought like this classic Porsche spider from the 1950s and he had rented a crane to
have it brought in to just sit in the living room of his penthouse apartment.
And you know he's going to be in one of these big stupid magazines talking about how the
car is a work of art.
I can just look at it and enjoy it.
And that's one of those people that makes, they get their bonuses by laying off people
and putting people out in the streets.
And then people drive down the street
and they see people living under bridges
and who do they blame?
They blame whoever the standing president is.
And it's like, that's not what it is.
For one person to be taking that much meat off the bone,
somebody's not gonna be able to eat.
Next thing you know, you're gonna be outside.
And these fucking people cash those bonus checks and sleep like fucking babies
next to a Porsche that they have sitting in their fucking bedroom anyway I'm off
my fucking that that's just my version of it so anyway yeah I don't understand
no bail is just fucking Wild West I don't know why No bail is just fucking Wild West.
I don't know why they're doing that.
Anyways, the Attorney General can't even justify it.
Even my psycho left family thinks it's insane.
Yep.
So once again, we've politicized it.
It's like who wants criminals running the streets?
They don't and you're acting like all liberals will like, yes, this is what we should do rather than one idiot.
It's like when I look at Trump, I don't look at him like he represents the Republican Party.
You know, the Republican Party has plenty of fucking level-headed conservative people.
I don't know why they keep choosing that guy any more than I understand why blue ties
keep choosing a guy that clearly has cognitive fucking issues. Um, anyway, literally no one I know, uh, blah, blah,
blah, blah. The attorney, psycho left, um,
even my psycho left family thinks it's insane and they're the type of people who
have absolute Lee bullshit beliefs.
Like if the government wanted 75% of our paychecks, it's for a good reason.
Yeah, the reason is, is we regular people would be paying the tab that the fucking super rich chewed
and screwed on. The ones that got us into this 20-year fucking war and they lined their pockets
with it and bankrupted this fucking country. And what do we do? We blame
people who just came across the border. Yeah, that's why we're
fucking bankrupt. Alright. Fucking uncle Terry, when is he
gonna learn? Yeah, you know what it is that they're like people
who think that way and just stick to party lines like that. They're like those die-hard
Like fans of a band and it bans 40 years into their career and they put out a garbage album I'm not saying you can't put out a killer album
You know
But like if you know and they just no matter what the album is. I like it. There's a lot of good tracks on that
It's like dude dude, come on.
What are they doing?
The guy can't sing anymore?
What the fuck's going on?
And they just can't see it.
People get that way with political parties, which I don't understand.
It doesn't help anybody.
Anyway, you wouldn't pass a law like this unless you were trying to keep dangerous people
on the street to cause turmoil and chaos, probably in order to roll out crazy laws.
Yeah, you know, I would love to argue against that, but who in their right fucking mind
would have a no bail system? The term is controlled demolition of society. I don't understand,
why do these people want to ruin this country? It's such a great country and
You could be a complete nobody and you can make it in this country. Why?
Do a select group of a few people want to end this for everybody? It's just fucking greed
You know and God knows CNN of Fox News are not going to call out these corporations because they get paid by him
So it's up to you as an individual to stop blaming political parties and individuals and races of people
You know
Who get fucking intimidated? They can't even fucking vote
They're not swinging elections
You got to fucking look at the handful of people that are doing this then I don't know what to do after that once you identify him like the second
person from Boeing magic that whistleblower from Boeing magically died
and is barely even a fucking story but I can tell you this if somebody
retaliated all right if a worker from Boeing retaliated, okay, and anonymously killed someone on the higher-up
board of Boeing, the people that made this decision to cut costs, allegedly, and all
of that, that would be a fucking story on Fox News and on CNN.
It would be called an act of terrorism.
We have to find this guy guy and they would find them.
That's where I am.
That's how jaded I am.
Anyway, think about it.
I've never, okay, controlled demolition of society.
Think about it.
I've never heard anyone talk about civil war in this country and now the news just keeps
putting that in people's heads.
It's the you are what you eat of news propaganda.
Here's an example of what's happening.
New York City judge retires to Florida just days after freeing a man who sucker punched
a 57-year-old woman in the jaw.
Brooklyn Supreme Court Justice Matthew Siria...
I can't even say that name.
Sirino, S-C-I-A-R-R-I-N-O, retired and is moving to Florida after a bizarre ruling.
Franz Judy was freed by Siriano last week, even after prosecutors upgraded the assault
charge to a felony. The Brooklyn DEA's offer requested $25,000 cash bail or $50,000 bond, but Siriotta turned
down the request.
Victim Dulce Pichardo's jaw was completely shattered from the attack back in March.
Her jaw was wired shut and she lost some of her teeth.
Thanks and love to the family."
All right.
Okay, just so everybody doesn't fucking
put their head between their fucking knees here.
There's a lot of great stuff happening in this country
and there's a lot of great people, okay?
And we gotta stop doing this Hatfield McCoys thing, all right?
We need to help each other out.
You know, if you see a homeless person
and they don't look like they're using, help
them out, get them a cup of coffee.
It's going to be on us because these people at the top are not human beings.
They are fucking sociopaths.
And I don't know.
I don't know how you combat the fucking propaganda of CNN, Fox News.
It's fucking insane.
I mean, those are literally like almost like they should be on
like the 700 club network.
They're like religions for some people.
Uh, incel woman, incel woman.
All right.
Okay.
Here's a new one.
All right.
I thought all incels were just guys.
Had no idea.
All right.
Let's see here.
What the hell did it go?
Okay.
Dear Billy misunderstood balls. I had no idea. All right, let's see here. What the hell did it go? Okay.
Dear Billy misunderstood balls.
What's the term for a woman who hates men
because they can't get one or always picks the wrong ones
so they think we're all losers and assholes?
Oh, I forget.
Well, if you're a guy and you do that, you're a misogynist, misanthropist or something.
I think that's hatred of humanity.
There is a name.
If there's a name for a slob of a man who doesn't take care of himself and hates women,
then what is the name for a woman's version?
There is a name for it and I always have to look it up because they never say it.
Just wondering, but it seems like no one is addressing women who bring nothing to the table
and expect a man to be everything they wanted. Tall, dark, handsome and rich.
I'm 5'7", good shape and a slightly less striking looking version of John Stamos
Well, you should be fucking crushing it
Even the runoff from John Stamos's life should be enough to get you in the Hall of Fame
I've had girls
Oogle ogle at me on dating apps and then when we see eye to eye, literally speaking, they seem put off.
Also, I make good money but only live in a one bedroom apartment.
That's good, man. Don't fucking blow all your cash.
I dated a girl who was basically interviewing me for a few weeks while we hung out.
Every question was loaded and even though she seemed to like me,
she had this devil on her shoulder telling her she could do better
Well, listen buddy. You dodged a fucking bullet
It's been four years and she's still single and continuing to interview every guy in the city with no luck
Her superficial ways have left her posting on Instagram stories that every guy is a fuckboy and there are no good men out there
On Instagram stories that every guy is a fuck boy and there are no good men out there
All right. Well, why are you taking on whatever the fuck she's carrying? I used to trash women all the time
I used to and I still do too mitch hendberg
Um, no, I don't I i've really gotten away from that and my shit
Was I couldn't figure out how to make a relationship work?
So I did all of this shit trash and marriage and why the fuck would you ever do that? And the reality was is I wanted to be married. I want to be married and have a big family is what I really wanted.
I just didn't know how to do it and I was frustrated and I didn't realize that I was the problem.
So what did I do? I blamed innocent people.
You know, sound familiar? Happens all the fucking time. So that's what she's doing.
So I wouldn't take anything, you know, anything that she's doing personally.
I'll tell you what's great for your psyche is to have empathy for her and hope or pray that she comes out of this so she can find the person she's supposed to be with.
But other than that, you know, if there's some work woman walking around saying all, all guys are fucking assholes and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
He just, I mean, that's what you think.
Okay.
So the person says can't wait to see you perform live again.
All right.
You know what?
I'm going to I'm going to find the word right now.
I got to turn this thing off of airplane mode.
The risk of somebody calling me then I got to fucking edit this thing.
Let's see here.
What is the name for a woman... I've looked this up a bunch of times in the It is oh a Missandrist. M-I-S-A-N-D-R-I-S-T. So misogynist is a guy that hates women.
Missandrist is a woman that hates men. And then if you're miss a misanthrope I
think is what it's called you just hate all of humanity. And, um...
I don't know what. The gay community has to fucking weigh in to let me know if you're a lesbian and you hate other lesbians.
Then you're just probably some sort of self-hating gay person or something. I don't know.
Anyway, yeah, I wouldn't take any of that shit on.
Um...
Something probably happened to her when she was younger and, uh, you know,
she's probably afraid to get into a relationship,
which is why she just kept interviewing you.
Every question was loaded and she wanted you to trip up so she could,
there's the reason there it is. And she could get out of it.
Or she used to love men and then she just dated such a fucking asshole.
She's afraid to get into something else.
But guess what?
You can guess all day until she says what it really is.
You're never going to know.
And until then, she's going to be on Instagram blaming all men,
which is a bad place to be.
And I was there at one point in my life on the other side of the table.
So I hope she comes out of it.
And I hope you go find somebody that that loves you.
All right. Stupid new phrases.
Bill, I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years old and I hate everything about pop- wait, let me put this fucking thing
back into airplane mode so I don't have to
edit this thing together.
All right. I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years old.
together. Um, all right, I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years old and I hate everything about pop culture, social media,
et cetera. It started with the, when you jokes,
like when your Uber driver smells, then insert dumb picture.
Oh yeah. That's sort of like the mad libs. They have like, not really,
they're more like hacky standup jokes.
Like people start speaking in social media, speak, um,
tell me you're a garbage collector without telling me you're a garbage
collector. You can just insert any fucking job.
Tell me you still live in the home without telling me.
And it just becomes like this, you know, yeah, like a mad lib,
like the joke's already written.
You just got to put the subject in there and then all of a sudden you're funny. So he says, the new ones I hate the most is he
understood the assignment. Yep. He stood on business. I, yeah, there's a million of those
fucking things. He wanted that smoke, but there are some fucking great ones though.
People are fucking like, I get blown away by some of the jokes people write.
There was a band one time, they were all obese and you know, they were unknown band and in the
comments section people were fucking coming up with names for the band.
And the only one I can remember, they were all fucking hilarious.
The one that I really remembered was one of them called Jimmy eight world.
Just like, oh my God, Judas feast.
They were just fucking hilarious.
They were like, they like literally like these people could write for a late
night monologue, fucking killer jokes.
So my hats off to a, there's a lot of regular people out there that have come
up with some fucking incredible jokes
I mean those recently I saw and this guy had this giant head and
Somebody wrote this this guy dreams and I max
All right
Stupid new phrases bill. I'll get right to it. I already said, okay, okay, the new ones.
I hate he understood the assignment. It's worse when they don't even do it right.
Or girl, I know posted this while holding a bottle of Rose with no contest.
The assignment was to buy a bottle of wine. What are you even saying, sweetheart?
You just want to join in and you don't know how yet.
They want to be the person that says that
was like back.
What is what is my life even right now?
That was one for a while.
Or you'd go this and have like the fucking emoji pointing to something above it.
It's just I don't know.
It's what it's what people do when they're in between being young adults and curmudgeonly old people.
Then you go the other way and you're like,
I hate everything that people like.
Also, he says, using the first few notes to that shoddy song, Smooth Operator,
I got into an argument with a girl I was dating because of it.
I asked her, don't you think it's a bit unoriginal?
She looked at me like I had ten heads with dicks sticking out of them.
The least she could have done to prove she wasn't a drone would be to say, yeah, but
I think it's funny, or even defend it a little.
Instead, she looked at me like I was from a different society with different values.
Uh, ha ha ha, fucking hate so much Bill, thanks for all the laughs.
Yeah, you know, um, you're in a lonely place, sir.
You're in a lonely place. You're basically...
You're thinking for yourself and you're noticing patterns and you're like, well, how many times
like Colin Quinn used to do these jokes about those office jokes that people would say not
only everywhere, but the same person would say it all the time.
And people would still laugh like, you know, hey, I'd complain, but who would listen?
And people would just laugh.
You know, another dollar another day.
Same shit, different day.
All of that stuff.
Those stock jokes.
Well, yeah, those things.
And stand up a stock line.
The one that I heard for years.
And I finally thought about it.
It doesn't even make sense.
They're like, where'd you learn how to whisper?
In a helicopter factory?
You know, and the idea was that there would be a bunch of helicopters and they're all
on it's like they're building them.
And why would building a helicopter be any louder than putting a truck together or a
car?
It's still the same thing.
You just assembling it, right?
It doesn't even make sense, but just the idea of like,
I guess you'd say at a helicopter expo, but even then they're not turned on.
You would never have a helicopter on inside of a factory with the fucking
blade spinning around. I don't think OSHA would have been up on that.
So, yeah, so, yeah, you're actually a thinking person.
So you know what you have to do
when you're around people like that? Because she's probably the kind of person that grew up and got
hugged and was loved and everything. And you know, they're like the kind of people that when, you
know, Halloween's coming up and everything becomes pumpkin spice, they love it. And they want to put
on a turtleneck sweater, drink pumpkin spice and go apple picking. And guess what? Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. Okay, so and every once in a while, especially if you are like a curmudgeon or like a what do they call you when you when you always have the opposite point of view?
A contrarian.
A contrarian also sometimes can be a, you know, there's a lot of narcissists in contrarian
clothing because it's just a way of arguing the other side so you keep the attention on
you.
And then other people just are contrarians because they're miserable fucks and they just
want to push everything away because that's what their parents did to them.
It all comes back to being a kid, I think. And I have no medical background whatsoever, so take all of this shit with a grain of salt.
So just have more of a sense of humor about it.
Instead of saying, don't you think it's a little unoriginal?
Just get really excited when you hear it and just be like, Oh my God,
that's, is that a new song? Did that just come out or just act?
Just be an idiot about it. Um,
yeah, for a while everything was let the bodies hit the floor. Um,
and then people just shit on it enough.
Let the finger hit the mute or something like that. Enough of those jokes. People stop using it.
But I don't know.
It's a, it's a...
I would say like
the last two, okay?
Being a man or a woman and thinking that there's no good man or woman out there
and also being somebody that notices why would you do the exact same joke as someone else,
how many fucking times can you hear the exact same joke and not notice that you've heard this 13,000 fucking times before.
Those are two lonely places to be in
But I've been in both places in my life
Landed I landed on my feet somehow. So
Anyway with that that's the end of the podcast
Condolences to the drawn-on maple leaves as a Bruins fan. My heart goes out to you legitimately and I'm rooting for you guys All right, so don't be a bunch of fucking cunts when I go up there. All right, it's not our fault
You know
You guys can't seem to get it together
So I I have I have no idea but I would love nothing better than an original 16 that isn't a fucking Canadians team
Montreal Canadians to win the cup also the Bruins now move on to the Florida Panthers and we get a chance to
avenge the three games in a row that they beat us last year.
Three games to one to lose in seven.
I mean it made it easier that they went all the way to the Stanley Cup finally,
you know, and almost won the damn thing.
Actually didn't fucking the Vegas Knights pretty, you know, and almost won the damn thing. But actually he didn't fucking.
The Vegas Knights pretty much handled them, but that's because, uh, the Chuck was, he had a busted sternum at that point.
I think that guy was so good.
I think that he, he could have pushed it to, to seven games.
I still think Vegas wins it, but he was just like, I don't think I've seen,
I've been a while since I've
seen somebody just willing their team to victory the way that guy did that guy
was everything you want in a in a player so I'm looking forward to watching him
play again I am NOT looking forward to what he does against my team but I will
be there all right that's it fuck yourselves. Thank you to everybody came out to the Hollywood Bowl. And that's it. I will check in on you on Thursday.