Monday Morning Podcast - (re-upload) Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-29-24
Episode Date: March 4, 2024Bill rambles about '60s social scenes, the legendary Richard Lewis, and old television habits. TOUR DATES: www.billburr.com/TOUR ...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and
I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you
How's it going? How's it going with you? I haven't gone to the fucking gym in like three days
Immediately immediately, you know when you get to be my age you don't go to the gym for three days, immediately, immediately. You know, when you get to be my age, you don't go to the gym for three days,
you don't stretch your fucking shrivel up like Mr. Magoo.
All of a sudden I'm hunched over, you know.
Some reason I'm craving a Danish.
Ah fuck, you know, I gotta tell you something.
My wife, my wife, wife she's she has you know
she's always watching these these what's funny about her TV she either watches
the dumbest shit or really great shit just depending on her mood you know
sometimes I don't want to thank you know at other times she's watching this
award-winning shit right so this is one of the good times she's watching the the the smarter
stuff she's she's watching this TV show Capote on Truman Capote and I've been
sort of half watching it or whatever and I finally sat down and watched they're
the director's cut of the pilot episode it was fucking amazing And just watching it, right?
First of all, I guess Truman Capote talked like droopy dog.
You and I are gonna be friends, you know?
Kinda as that kind of talk.
Don't divorce him, you're gonna end up
in Westchester by yourself.
I can't do it, but the character is like fascinating.
And it's kind of like,
it's like the original real housewives.
Like he somehow infiltrated like high society,
all these rich women in New York
and their husbands were fucking around.
They just sort of accepted it and blah, blah, blah.
Forget all that bullshit.
What I love about that error,
or at least the way they're depicting it,
there is something to be said
about just fucking giving into your vices,
then checking out at like 59 or 60.
I'm sitting there watching this shit.
They're all smoking, like smoking was like
this glamorous thing, they're smoking cigarettes.
If you saw these fucking,
like just the things that they put their cigarettes in,
the craftsmanship of it, little cigarette cases,
and they would take it out and it seemed like this
elegant thing that
these ladies were doing. Everybody's boozing. If you got too hysterical, you didn't talk
about your problems. Somebody gave you a pill and then you washed it down with booze. I'm
not going to lie to you man. People use, it seems, you know, if you go on IMDB pages,
you know, if you watch movies from the 50s and 60s the amount of accidental overdoses
When pills started coming around and they were mixing them with booze
But I got a time you just watch them
And it's like they're in a penthouse
They're in high society
While simultaneously like essentially tailgating
They're just getting fucked up while simultaneously like essentially tailgating.
They're just getting fucked up.
The guys are smoking cigars, the ladies are smoking cigarettes.
And like, you know, they're drinking,
but they're all in like these fucking elegant glasses
like martinis and I don't know what,
I was always just, I always just drank shit straight,
so just came in a little fucking shot glass or whatever,
or whatever you threw, icing.
But anyways, it's a phenomenal show.
Demi Moore is in it, who I grew up with her, man.
So I was psyched to see her getting some really good
material again, you know?
And I didn't watch it long enough to know everybody's name
that is in it,
but it's just like really well done.
And it's kind of, it's a good thing to watch
with like your wife or your girlfriend,
because there's like, it is something in it for everybody.
You know, I get to watch like these unexamined guys
eating steaks and fucking around
and having heart attacks and shit.
And then I think women like all like the gossip.
They like that whole thing.
This guy worms his way in
and then he just starts writing about their lives and shit.
It was like, they're not really painting him
in the greatest light, but he's also,
there's something funny about him.
He's like this gay Elmer Fudd.
Just sort of.
And then all these rich people loved him cause he was talking shit about everybody.
And they made like that fatal mistake of like,
well, if he's talking shit about everybody,
what are you gonna do when you fucking leave the room?
This guy's gonna talk about you.
It's really, really well done.
But that's the one thing like, you know, I kind of,
it's how I deal with like all the fucking stress
and nowadays watching the Middle East
and fucking these two old men going at it
for like the fucking rematch that nobody wants or whatever.
And these are the two best guys we can get.
It's just fucking horrific, unbelievably depressing,
watching this country be divided
and everybody's screaming at each other.
These corporate cunts are just laughing, taking all the money. It's depressing. So I sort of
live in the past and I watch movies from back then or shit like that. And the one thing that
I can't escape when I watch it is just how they lived. You know,
there was no, it just didn't seem like there there was any I need to cut down on this or
cut down on that. You started smoking and you just did it until you died, you know? You like steak,
you ate it as much as you could. You like to drink, you just walked around like fucking half in the bag.
I mean, I know I'm kind of glamorized. You know, they over overly dramatized this stuff, but it just looks,
you know, I don't know.
I'm just looking at going like, uh, you know, there's the other side of living
clean and fucking eating green and all of this shit and whatever
the fuck you're supposed to do and live into 90. And then there's another one, I just like fucking
turn in 20 and just partying for like 29 straight years.
You know, and then you just fucking collapse one day as you're putting on your fucking
button down shirt with your initials on the sleeves.
You know, there's, you know, it's all how you want to do it.
There was definitely no intervention back then or sort of rules.
You could have a fucking two, three martini lunch.
Come back with booze on your breath.
And if you had booze on your breath,
your boss, I guess thought you did business.
Oh, he must have been whining and dining somebody
to make us some more money.
That's fantastic.
Here's a company car.
All right, I'm getting a little too crazy with this,
making it seem like it was that easy,
but that was, I don't know, put it this way, the way it's depicted in
movies and TVs back then, and whenever they do something like this Capote thing, but,
Capote is a, you know, it's a, it's one you can watch with your wife. I'm not going to
lie to you guys, you know, for straight guys out there, there's a really uncomfortable steam
shower scene that, you know, I had to kind
of fucking roll over on my side and put, you know, make one of those, you know, you make
a head sandwich with the pillows. Definitely had to do that at one point. I'm like, God,
damn, I get it. I get it. Jesus Christ. It was his basic instincts for gay people, my God.
I actually had empathy for gay people, like gay people.
How many gay listen to this shit?
Like what do you, back when they had all like those fucking
Michael Douglas movies in nine and a half weeks?
Oh my, you guys just like avoid them?
Like, Jesus Christ, straight sex. Oh my god yuck
Um put on the crying game for god's sake. All right. Anyway, it's just interesting
So, uh, all right, I'm joking around being a fucking idiot here
Sad day man just a fucking sad day for standup comedy. The great Richard Lewis I found out a couple hours ago passed away man. Fucking brutal. Just brutal. I gotta
go back to the first time I saw him. The early days of cable and I don't know what standup
show he was on. He had a special that came out
and even if it wasn't in New York I just knew he was a New York guy and it was just
it was he's like was a major link or a bridge from an old older school way of doing stand-up
an old, older school way of doing standup to this newer way. Like it was like that next thing past George Carlin type of thing. Um, he was on stage, you know, it was like
post-Saturday Night Fever and the Bee Gees and all that. It was like early 80s. So the disco
thing was over, but he still had this great long hair.
He had the cool fucking clothes,
you know, the big fucking boots
or those shoes or whatever.
Like, I mean, even like,
what was so cool about back then was shit could be cool.
It had a chance to be different
because we weren't all plugged in with each other.
That was kind of the thing I feel
kind of sad for young people is like scenes can't develop because everybody is just filming them in real time. We're back in the day like you know if you lived in Massachusetts you had no idea what
people were doing in fucking two towns over forget about a couple states away and these scenes would marinate and these artists, music, whatever,
comedy, actors or anything would just grow out of it and eventually, you know, the suits
would come around and figure out how to market it and then the rest of the country would see it. And I felt like when I first saw
that first special that I saw that he did,
it was just his New York vibe and everything.
I was just like, and looking at his clothes,
and I didn't understand a lot of the stuff
that was going on, but back then,
you were like, fuck man, what is that?
I wanna go to New York. and I got me honest with you, like show business was a million miles away, light
years away when you lived in the middle of the suburbs of Massachusetts. It just wasn't the way
it was. You know, it was three fucking channels, like you know, you'd see Johnny Carson live from
beautiful downtown Burbank, these places, it was like going to the fucking moon.
It was so far away.
So even dreaming of being a stand-up comedian
in a lot of ways was like saying you wanted
to be a fucking astronaut.
So, but still, you know, as a kid,
you would like think that stuff.
And I remember just watching his special
and thinking just how funny he was, how cool he was.
And then the stuff that I didn't get,
I was kind of like, I wonder what he was talking about? I would hear other people just dying,
laughing, so I knew it was me. And just that whole, just was a completely different style from
anything that I had watched. And I immediately became a huge fan of his and then I could tell by the people's shows that he got on.
You know, everything from Gary Shanley to Larry David,
like they were all like comics, comics,
and they always would have him on,
or Jerry Seinfeld would have him on,
and comedians and cars,
they would talk about the old days
and you just knew, you know,
the respect that everybody had for him.
But if you guys, probably the best interview I ever saw
of him, because he was always mysterious to me
because I never met him.
And he was one of those guys,
he did his acting stuff, but he wasn't always like some of these,
he wasn't like a whore, always having to be out there
and talking about himself,
he would just kinda do what he did and then leave.
And he did an interview with Dom Ierara,
Dom's podcast, live at the Laugh Factory.
And there was something, I think just because him and Dom
went way back, that his guard was way down further than I had ever seen it.
And it was for me and being such a big fan of his was an absolutely riveting interview just to get a little bit of an insight onto into him a little more of like what he thought and how his brain kind of worked and his feelings
about things, but
Just a huge huge loss him passing away, but
What he left was an incredible impact in a great way on stand-up so rest in peace
To the great Richard Lewis man really really really sad so anyway there's that and now back to the comedy
I did a I did a benefit last night and I got to do my act again.
And I swear to God, I feel like I got like
fucking two hours of material.
Just going through this period, it's just fucking,
I don't know, pouring out of me.
And I was walking around yesterday and I am like,
I am so fucking angry and I have no idea why.
I just couldn't put my fucking finger on it.
I'm just like, just shit was just making me.
I was just snapping.
I haven't done that in fucking years.
I was just, Jesus Christ.
Like everything was just driving me up the fucking wall.
And I knew I was doing it and like I literally couldn't stop.
And I was just, I had to finally just fucking sit down
on my back porch and go,
what the fuck is going on with me right now?
And I'll be honest with you, I still haven't figured it out.
And at my age, I'm starting to think,
I don't know that I ever am going to.
And at my age, I'm starting to think I don't know that I ever am going to
But you know
There's a part of me that feels like just cuz I just sort of take it out on inanimate objects Whatever the fuck it is that's driving me nuts. I have no idea but
Anyway yesterday I got to do some really cool shit I got to fly a couple of helicopters that
I mean to my favorite helicopters I got to do some really cool shit. I got to fly a couple of helicopters that, I mean, two of my favorite helicopters, I got to fly an A-Star,
which is the one that the police and the news guys fly.
And oh my God, taking off on that thing
was just, first of all, what I loved
is now that I fly the cabri,
it's not all backwards from the Robinson.
The main road, it turns the same way as mine.
So the inputs on the feet are the same.
So I was able to lift it up.
I fortunately, obviously I had a co-pilot
and she was just top shelf pilot, right?
So I felt safe doing this thing.
I mean, it was a fucking really expensive helicopter.
And anyway, just did a quick flight, like a 10 minute flight, sort of like a demonstration
thing.
It was this helicopter expo that was in town down in Orange County, which I think wrapped up today.
I'm not sure if it's here all week or whatever.
But I got to fly that thing and the fucking power of it versus what I've flown the entire
time I did it was unbelievable.
My co-pilot, she was saying like, you know, you really, you know, you're only like half
power, like this thing can like haul ass and like the balance and the tracking of it, it was like, it was just smooth as silk.
And, you know, I knew that was gonna be a problem.
I was like, why did I fly this thing?
Cause now I'm gonna go back to mine.
I'm gonna feel like I'm flying a fucking egg beater.
But it was just, it was incredible.
And we flew down to Fullerton
because we were going to the helicopter expo
in Orange County.
And when we landed in Fullerton, they had an EC-130,
which is sort of like,
they were saying like the SUV of helicopters.
First of all, it just looks badass.
It looks like a fucking,
like a beetle, like a bug,
some sort of insect and it's really wide and fucking squat.
And it sits like three across.
And I think four in the back.
And I'll give you some advice.
If you're ever taking a helicopter tour
and they have an EC-130,
requests sitting in the right front seat.
Cause the pilot and the copilot,
they might probably just have one pilot.
You know, there's the seat all the way to the left
and then the seat in the middle
and all the avionics are in front of that.
If it was a car, it'd be the dashboard
with all the gauges, right?
And then in the right, there's nothing there.
There's just glass at your feet
and all the way up above your head.
You feel like you're floating in the air
I mean there's a couple of little you know
Thanks for the windshield that should block in your view, but essentially
it's insane and
flew that from Fullerton up to cable and
So that was like you know like a 10 minute flight, just getting to do that thing.
And it just once again, I actually think I like the A star better, but they were just
like, you know, compared to what I usually fly, I literally felt like a baseball player
that got called up from AAA.
You know, when you go to the next level, you're like, wow, this game's really fast.
I don't know if I can hang around with this.
But then after that, we went back to Fullerton.
And another buddy of mine, he flew it on the way back, and I got to sit in that right-hand
seat.
And I just did not want the flight to end.
And we landed there, and then we took an Uber over to the Helly Expo. And especially like the car show,
but like with like helicopters. And I gotta tell you, I don't do well at those things. I had a great
time at it, but like I literally have, I can be at those things for about an hour and then I just
get fucking overwhelmed. And I'm like, I don't even know where the exit is. There was so much stuff there and I don't just mean like helicopters it was just all
dude they were like showing all the different these fucking you know those bags where they the
the the guys who fight fires scooped the water up in they had like new ones of those they had
virtual reality things that I saw, just like turbine engines
sitting there and everything.
It was just like every gadget you could possibly think of.
There was this guy I met down there, he had come up with this remote control, like, I
can't even explain, like a helipad that you could just roll the helicopter in and out,
wherever the hell you wanted to go.
He was controlling it with one hand
while talking to somebody else.
It looked like he had a Game Boy in his hand.
And the helipad looked like,
remember that comedy central show Battle Bots?
The shit looked like that, right?
And he was just, he just built it himself.
It was unbelievable, like tractor wheels on on the back and then regular wheels on the
front like but really small and it was just moving this A star around like it
was nothing but it's pretty cool I got to meet one of the head guys at Cabri
and it was just it was an amazing thing but then I was there Cabri and it was just, it was an amazing thing.
But then I was there for like an hour
and I was just like, you know, it just, I can't explain it.
It's like, I would say like one of the first times
I even, I went to the campus at the University of Michigan.
A buddy of mine was going there at the time.
This is way, way, this is like the fucking 90s.
And I went to visit him and I got on that campus
and it was so fucking big they had their own bus system.
And I just remember thinking like,
I don't know how anybody could ever go to school.
This is fucking overwhelming, right?
That's what I feel like at an expo.
Like, and I always just go, all right,
I gotta get out of here.
But I met like at an expo. Like, and I always just go, all right, I gotta get out of here.
But I met like so many amazing people there
and pilots and all of this shit.
You know what's funny?
I guess it's the same place they have that NAMM show,
which I've never been to.
No, I think I ever will go to,
which is the big musician show, right?
And you get there, right?
And it's essentially like every musical instrument you could think of, all of these musicians
there, you go in there and it's like, I guess like 400 people playing guitar at the same
time.
Another 300 people playing drums on another side and it's just, I don't know how anybody goes to that shit.
I mean, I would love to go down and look at all of this stuff
but I don't wanna, like anytime I see videos of it,
it just sounds like, you know,
like whenever they have one of those fucking all-star jams
at the end of something and they have like five guitar
players, three basses, two, three drummers and shit.
And it just never fucking sounds good.
But at least they're playing the same song.
It's just like, I just, somebody said,
going to that NAMM shows,
like going to do a giant fucking guitar center,
you know, there's just all these fucking dads like me
down there, but then they also have like, you know,
amazing like professional musicians giving demonstrations.
It's not all bad.
Like, oh, this is all my own fucking issue.
But anyway, I did, I did have a fucking great time,
you know, for an hour.
I could do that for now.
The same thing happened.
I went to the auto show this year.
And what sucks about the auto show now is a lot of them don't even like send their cars anymore because they're kind of like well, you know everybody's uh
Talking about on the internet. Why do I need to send the Mercedes in here? It's like because we want to fucking look at them
setting them
Is that so wrong?
But anyway, I got a chance to watch a Bruins game. Holy shit
dad with two kids.
I finally just decided like,
cause I would always go like,
hey guys, I would literally ask my kids.
I would be like, guys, can I put on the Bruins game?
And then they'd just be like, dad,
you're always watching hockey.
I'm like, and I'm literally going like, no, I don't.
I never get to watch it.
You guys are always watching whatever this show is, you know, with the, with the, the
trains talking to each other, whatever you're watching here or the Grinch. I was telling
my kids the other day, God, you know, you realize when I was a kid, the Grinch came
on once a year. And if you missed it, that was it.
If you pissed off your parents and they sent you to bed early or they wanted to watch the fucking news or something,
I don't curse, well sometimes I do, but I didn't that time.
Yeah, I was like, that was it, it was fucking over.
You missed it.
Oh my God, I remember going to school the next day and kids would be like, did you see Santa Claus is coming to town?
They'd be like, that was on last night. It was fucking over. Fucking over. You missed it. You absolutely missed it.
So anyways, I watched the Bruins crack and we played, you know, we played mostly a good game and then we kind of let him back in it.
Fucking referees, Jesus Christ. They were loving Seattle though.
You know, I'm not saying that's, uh, why we lost in the shootout, but Jesus Christ, they definitely,
you know, a lot of things went their way. We'll leave it that way. A lot of things went the Kraken way.
By the way, not a fan of the name, the Kraken, but I would say those uniforms are great.
And that arena is amazing and everything.
And I got to get up there.
Those are the last two things I need to see.
I need to see a home game of the Seattle Kraken and the fucking Carolina Hurricanes.
And then I am done.
I've gone to every one of those things.
And then what are you gonna do, Bill?
I don't know.
I don't know, I'll have to find something else to go to.
Imagine if it was like presidential libraries.
I got a buddy of mine that's into presidential libraries.
I'm just like, I just, that's another thing.
I find those interesting.
It is interesting.
You know what's actually better?
It's to go to like obscure presidents.
Like how many libraries do they have?
There's no fucking way.
I can't go to like Calvin Coolidge's.
When do they start with the libraries, you know?
When do they start with the libraries? You know?
Like you're telling me, I'm trying to think of a fucking, what's a good obscure president?
Well, if I think of I know their name, like Calvin Coolidge, that's when presidents just
had big square fucking heads.
It was amazing, because the food was all natural back then.
Like, what the fuck were they eating?
Just fucking taken down half of venison late at night.
It's kind of funny too, because there was like,
there was like no TV and shit back then or radio.
Maybe they were in Calvin.
I don't know when Calvin Coolidge was.
He had a suit, so I figured that's kind of around the light bulb, right?
But just think about that back in the day.
If you had insomnia, I wonder what kind of stress you had back then.
Well, there was a lot of stress, disease and that to what have some fucking reason you
can't sleep.
You just know there's a bear in the area.
You don't have your back ripped up like fucking Leo in that goddamn movie.
Oh my God, that fucking scene.
Just walking around your log cabin.
Like what could you do? What in the fuck did you do?
Pitch black. You think about lighting a candle but what predator are you gonna
attract? Let's take it out of the woods. That's scary enough. Oh my god. I gotta
be honest you still to this day I think hunters the fucking balls. I gotta be honest, you're still to this day, I think hunters, the fucking balls.
I don't give a fuck you have a gun.
You know what I mean?
I don't give a fuck.
If you like, what is it, downwind?
Something's downwind to you and smells you fucking coming and they're camouflaged. Jesus Christ.
These fucking people with their AR-15s, you know what, you need that for a person?
How slow a person? 22 you can handle that.
You go out in the fucking, the forest, not the woods.
With these grizzly bears and shit shit you absolutely need a fucking machine gun
I'll kill all you motherfuckers like oh my god
There's a book that I used to read my daughter and I'm now reading my son
And it freaks me out every time I read it. It's called Blueberry's for
Cell by Robert McCloskey, who wrote like Makeway for Ducklings one morning in Maine.
That broke ass kid in Ohio, whatever his fucking name was with the harmonica. So I'm reading this book to and the book is basically this mother goes with her with her daughter Sal to
fucking pick blueberries to can them for the winter so they have something to eat right.
First of all I love that part of the book. Well it's just blueberries growing out in
the wild you can go out you go out you pick them. These women back then they knew how
to can them and all of that and then they would break them out,
make a fucking pie, you know, back when women knew that place.
Anyway, so the whole story, spoiler alert,
is it going up the hill and she's picking blueberries
and her daughter's behind her. She's like three years old, two years old and she's picking blueberries and her daughter's behind her?
She's like three years old two years old and she's picking blueberries and on the other side of the hill
There's a mother bear with its cub
And they're eating blueberries trying to get fattened up and they both you know talking about the relationships
They had long story short. They both get separated the kids from the both mothers
I mean there's terrible mothers in this book.
Like, I don't have a fuck you lose your kid
in the goddamn wilderness as a bear or a person
is fucking beyond me, but they do.
And next thing you know, the kid is like following
the fucking bear and the bear is following the mother
and it's just like, I know how the book goes,
but every time the bear turns around, looks at the kid, it's gonna be, it's fattening I know how the book goes, but every time the bear turns around and looks at the
kid, it's going to be, it's fattening itself up from the weekend. It's going to eat the kid.
100% is going to eat the kid. And then when the mom is near the baby bear,
you know, if the mother comes along and you're anywhere near its cubs, she's gonna fucking maul you, both of you.
Get the Leonardo DiCaprio treatment times two.
But it's a kid's book, so everything fucking works out.
But I just read that as someone who's terrified of bears, getting mauled.
Getting mauled.
Fuck!
Just kill me, you asshole. Stupid ass fucking bear. I just don't
understand why they can't kill you before they start eating you. They sort of
start biting into your back. That's their fucking move so you're like paralyzed.
You know? And then you're like, you can still fill the top half of your body. Eat my legs, just eat my... Hit an artery so I bleed out.
Yeah, just as a parent, I just can't get over how fucking,
just what a bad mother she is.
She's not even paying,
I need not pay attention to your fucking kid
that kid wanders off to that level.
It literally, I don't like reading that book.
I like the make way for ducklings.
And the make way for ducklings is sort of like a bad dad moment in there.
You know, first of all, she's flying around.
No place is good enough for her, right?
That's never changed.
Woman or duck, they finally find this fucking place.
They can settle down, right? He gives her the. Woman or duck. They finally find this fucking place. They can settle
down, right? He gives her the business. Next thing you know, she has eight fucking ducklings.
And right as they're hatched, the fucking dude's like, I'm going to take a little trip up the river
here. Check out what's going on upstream. He just leaves his wife with fucking eight little kids.
They always get run over by a car and then in the end,
he's, they fucking meet him on the island.
It's kind of like, I don't know.
I don't know about the duck in that story.
I kind of feel like he's one of those guys
that has more than one family.
All right, those are my book reviews,
my children's book reviews. If you guys have many children's books for like three year olds, you are my book reviews, my children's book reviews.
If you guys have many children's books for like three year olds, you want me to review,
tell me what they are, I'll buy them and I'll read them.
You know what I do like?
I like Pete the Cat.
Pete the Cat is fucking cool.
You know, he's young but he knows who he is And I don't know, he's wise beyond his years.
All right, I'm talking too much here.
All right, this is the podcast, everybody.
Enjoy your weekends, you cunts.
And there's some music coming up, picked out by the
amazingly talented Andrew Thimlis.
And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast afterward. All right i write that's it and i'll talk to you
i've been in right place
but it must have been a wrong time
i said the right thing but but I must choose the wrong call.
Head is in a bad place, and I wonder what's good for.
I've been in the right place, but I must choose the wrong call.
My head is in a bad place, but I'm such a good guy. Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday,
February 29th, 2016.
Happy leap year!
Oh, happy leap year and happy birthday to the poor sad cunts who only have a birthday
once every four years.
You know, good Lord, can you imagine going on that first day with that broad bitching about that?
I always fell left out. It was like everybody else had a birthday every single year.
It was like I was zero, then I was four, then I was eight.
I was zero, then I was four, then I was eight.
You know, she being good shaped, though, huh? Eating fucking 75% less birthday cake every year, right?
No, wait, how does that math work out?
If in four years you had four slices of cake, right?
But you were born in the leap year, you only had one.
Yeah, that percentage doesn't work because you know you have
one somebody else has two they got a hundred percent more than you got right. They got provided
that they're equal slices. No Jesus Bill you're gonna break out fractions I think I'm gonna
still a little birthday cake fractions. All right so then they're getting fucking 300% more cake than
you are. Man I bet bet, you know, something,
I bet anybody who's born on February 29th
is either a miserable cunt
or just one of the coolest laid-back people, like, you know,
oh my God, another birthday, aren't the years flying by?
No, no, they're not actually, to be honest with you.
That's kind of weird.
So like, when the fuck are you actually like,
like say when you're 29, you know, that doesn't work. You're 28. It's got to be fours, right?
Oh wait, you're zero. Jesus Christ. This would be fucking annoying. Zero if you had a baby,
born on the 29th right, you're zero the first year.
right you're zero the first year all right one two three not four I'd be back again to four right I don't fucking know all I know is that somebody's birthday
today and it hasn't been their birthday since 2012 so happy fucking birthday what
does that work out 16 15 14 13 12 would five years. I can't fucking do it.
I don't know when it was.
So once every three years?
Ah, Jesus.
Anything that happens every four years usually sucks.
People's birthdays on leap year, World Cup soccer,
the Olympics, you know?
Actually like Olympic hockey, but then I
hit all those fucking douches who never watch hockey.
And they'd be like, see if it was like this, I would watch it all the time.
What? Only two weeks long with no fighting, you fucking douche.
Beat it. Nobody cares whether you're watching or not.
At least I don't.
At least I don't.
So anyways, I apologize for the, you know what? I don't apologize.
Oh, I, okay, I will. I will.
I'll apologize for the podcast being this late.
I was going to do it on Sunday when I was up in Fox Woods, Joe. Let's go to the fucking
casino out in the middle of the woods, Joe. Um, I was going to record on Sunday, but,
uh, Verzi got some tickets to see the Yukon, uh, Houston Cougars game up, uh, you know,
big fucking program. By the way, man, how about the fight, you know, very quietly.
I probably shouldn't say very quietly.
I just don't pay attention to the sports.
Ladies hoops, you know,
I knew that fucking Tennessee with Pat Summit, right?
Was fucking crushing it.
And I know Yukon, I thought they were doing all right,
but I thought it was mainly fucking Pat's summit
and then I went to the goddamn Yukon game
I got a picture of it here on my phone
you know, somebody sent me a picture of a freckle, of a hairless pit bull that had freckles
it's the most adorable thing you've ever seen in your life but the person said it looked like me hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah I like a good tweet, you know, I don't give a shit if you break my balls if it makes
me laugh.
All right, so the fucking ladies, the lady Huskies, well, let's do it in order here.
Let's do the guys first, considering they have way less, you know, you always want to
build towards your clothes and bit.
All right, the guys, the fellas have won four national championships since 1999.
All right, the Yukon men's Huskies have won 1999, 2004, 2011, 2014. That's very fucking
respectable. Is anybody won more than that? I don't know. I'm not going to look it up. Kentucky
or Duke, I would guess maybe not Duke, right? Duke, Duke, Duke, all right.
But the ladies, they want it 95.
They want it in 2000, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2009.
Then the fucking goddamn poor excuse for speakers hanging from that fucking building that they have
with the ceilings peeling is in the way of the next two banners.
They won it 2014-2015.
Now I gotta fucking look it up.
As far as what I can see here on the phone, that's one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight.
And there's two other banners behind it.
That's gotta be a championship one.
Yeah, national champions.
What an asshole. Why the fuck did I walk down and take it correctly? Or maybe look it up before I did this
All right, hang on a second. Hang on hang on hang on. Oh
Jesus now I'm typing on my phone. This is gonna take the fucking ever. I looked them up the most random
Women's Huskies. Why would I write that? That's not going to get me there. Yukon
Huskies championships. All right, give me the ladies. The ladies better come up first.
The men's do. You sexist motherfuckers national championships you fucking good
hang on ladies ladies there we go can I get women's basketball I apologize I
you know if I had if I had any fucking decency I would edit most of this out
but I'm not gonna all right national tournament championship
conference championships Jesus fucking Christ.
Nobody cares about any of this.
Elite eight, final four, tournament champions.
95, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2009, 2010, 2013, 2014, 2015.
One, two, three, four, five.
They wanted five out of the last six fucking years.
And since the year 2000, remember that cone a bit?
They've wanted one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine fucking times.
Total domination.
Fuck a dog snoring.
You know my dog's getting fat. I don't know what's going on with it. We dog snoring. You know my dogs getting fat.
I don't know what's going on with her.
We changed this food, we started getting her an extra can
because she's always fucking coming over licking the bowl there, you know?
We felt bad for her.
Now you should see her. She looks like a fucking state worker, right?
Tennessee Lady Falls.
Alright, here we go.
Come on on Wikipedia.
Where the fuck are you?
Lady vol.
What do you say?
What do you think?
What do you think has more, huh?
I gotta go with Connecticut at that point, huh?
Bill, this might be the most boring podcast ever.
Well, what do you, you know, do you get what you pay for?
All right, fuck it.
I'm not looking it up any more.
My eyes are seeing, seeing double
here. Very impressed with both of them, man. They're quietly crushing. It's a nice small
campus. They play in this little ass building with shit peeling from the ceiling. The student
section was hilarious. You know, when they introduced the other team, they sit there
reading the newspaper. I thought that was funny. Now I'm sure somebody's going to say,
well, okay, Alcord fucking university used to do that. I don't give a shit.
It's the first time I saw it. It was funny to me.
Dude, there was a guy sitting behind us, like classic New England sports fan.
I never heard a guy like anytime the ball didn't go in for the Huskies.
He, he had a reason every fucking time down the court.
And this is what killed me
So I'm like all right this guy's a total hoop head right and I turn around he has on a red socks hat and t-shirt
So he's basically a sports maniac right the guy missed a shot. He'd be like hey didn't follow through
Next time they come down the court the big guy the guy should have been rotating around
It's the second they had the double team. He should have been rotating around next time down the court. Somebody
slips. What is that? Something wrong with the floor? I just kept nudging Verzi. He would,
he would go on like, like, like the f**king lady Huskies there. He would go on like four
five, four, five runs there. Except instead of winning championships, he'd be like, bitch
moaning and complaining.
And at one point he made a point, you know, they threw it to their big goof there and
that guy fucking missed the ball.
And the guy goes, you know, if he had a pair of hands, he would have had two there.
And Verzi turned around goes, you know what, you're right.
And the guy just looked at him with like an angry look.
Like he was, he was so pissed that Yukon was losing.
And we actually, you know, I know they're only having a mediocre year this year.
I mean, you can't fucking win it every year, but, um,
you could sense when you were in there, the level, how seriously everybody was
taking it. Cause first he kept saying like, wow,
these people take this shit really seriously here.
And I just kept pointing up to all the banners. I'm like, uh,
I would say at this point that kind of used to winning. So,
I guess they're having a disappointing year. I guess I have no idea. I didn't look it up.
I just started talking about it. It's what I did.
But that's why the podcast was not ready.
I had a great time up at Foxwood's Resort Casinos, by the way.
I want to thank them for having me. It was their 24th anniversary, right?
So they say to me, before I get there, they said, is there
any way before your first show, if you could come down, um, there's a big dinner or something,
we'd love if you could meet the, uh, the tribal council and just stop by and say hello, right?
These are my employers for the weekend. What am I going to say? No, so I'm like, absolutely.
I want to meet these Native Americans that fucking beat the white man, you know, and got their own fucking casino.
Right. So I go down there and I just thought it was going to swing by a table and say hello
to somebody, thank them for the gig. And next thing you know, they got this whole, this
is like fucking eyes wide shut fucking dinner going on, you know, the shining kind of shit
in the bowels of the casino.
There's some band and there's a stage and there's like this guy smiley looking fucking
political guy on stage.
The next thing you know, he's, he's given me an intro.
I had no fucking idea I was going on.
I have no idea who these people are.
And furthermore, these people had no idea who I was.
And I just walk out and they go, play up a local funny man here this weekend.
Please welcome comedian Bill Byrne.
I was standing there going,
is he bringing me up?
Is he bringing me up?
And I just fucking walk on stage and I take the mic
and I was like, I'm looking at all these old people and shit.
And they just stare at me.
I was like, I kind of had no idea I was,
I was gonna be brought up here,
but you know, congratulations on 24 years.
I'm sure most of you people here know who the next four presidents are going to be on
behalf of regular people.
If you could do something about the population problem, I'd really appreciate it.
And all of this shit is getting nothing.
Right?
I just started talking to them like they were running the world and just looking at me like
I got fucking 10 heads. And I just said, I just sort of peed it out. And I went onward and upward.
I just handed it back. The guy smiley. And there was just like a little smattering of applause.
And I just walked back into the hall with the promoter as we're walking away. I was like,
what the what the fuck was that?
He's I don't know that's how we talk. I didn't know what I was around. I took your work. I
Was under the impression that you look I just say hello at the table
Yeah, nobody knows anything right and they just fucking wheel you around
Yeah, and then we just fucking I think we got on a golf cart at that point. No, no, when we walked through the halls, and then they walked me by the crowd that was going into my show. So I look like a complete jerk off.
I fucking, I love seeing people after the show. I fucking hate seeing people before the show.
I don't know why, I don't know if it's a superstition. It's just weird to me to be, for me to just be walking by.
Like the first time you see me, I'm just walking down the fucking hall. Oh, there's that jerk off. And then you just start looking at him. Why
did I pay to see that? Look at him. But anyways, we had a, we had a great fucking time. I had
a bunch of family and friends coming out. People I hadn't seen in years. Do you know my first best friend
that I ever had in life actually came up to the gig and I hadn't seen him in 36 years.
And I was actually thinking the last time I saw him,
you know, the reason why my family,
we moved away from the town that we had lived in.
And I just remember we were both,
how fucking old was I? I think we were like seven or eight. And you don't know how to say goodbye.
You know, I probably have been friends with the kids since I was like four. So basically half
my life I was friends with this kid. So we had loaded up the moving van the last time,
like we were doing the U-Haul thing, you know, we'll do it ourselves. And we just made like 900 fucking trips in this thing.
And we were loading it up for the last time.
And he lived across the street from me.
So I walked down my driveway and he was out there.
And he knew this was, he knew it was it.
I knew it was it.
And we were just too young, didn't know.
Yeah, you know what to say, it's seven.
So some kid wrote by and had just written by on a bike. And I remember he just said something to me like, know yeah, you know what to say it's seven So some kid rode by and I had just ridden by in a bike
And I remember he just said something to me like oh, yeah
That kid was trying to say that blah blah blah blah I couldn't remember anything. I was like, oh, yeah, you're okay
I was like, oh, I I
And he just started to walk away and I walked away in the other direction
And then we both looked over our shoulder at the same time and And then that was it. I got in the fucking U-Haul. And that was it. I think I came back
to the neighborhood like four years later. I saw him one other time. So yeah, 1980s,
I left in 76 saw him in 80. And then I hadn't seen him since then. So we got caught up talking
about the old fucking times, man, we didn't even get into it either. Man, Jesus Christ,
some of the shit we used to do, do you know we used to play with fucking matches
That's what you used to do back then when there was like like playing with matches
Was like I don't know like having a gameboy or whatever these fucking kids do nowadays and his dad
Had these things we they were we's called
Monkey matches. It was just a book of matches and for some reason they just had a picture of a monkey like wearing like a hat. Like, like that was like highbrow humor
back then, like dressing monkeys up like human beings, you know, and also having pictures
of dogs playing poker and shit, passing cards underneath the table with their paws and shit,
you know. So his dad, for whatever whatever reason always had these matchbooks that had pictures of monkeys that were like, you know, dressed like dentists, you know, like lab coats on
and shit or just some stupid fucking hat, you know? And so we would, this is what we
would do, we would go over and we would like basically underneath the tree, we would bunch
up a bunch of pine needles and you would
just light it on fire and just look at the fire and then try and put it out.
And you know, sometimes you put it out, sometimes you didn't, sometimes a neighbor would come
running over, Christ, what the fuck are you kids doing?
What the hell are you doing?
I did that one time.
I lit it and all of a sudden it just got completely out of control and this guy came running over the giant trash can that he had filled up with water.
Thank fucking Christ.
And then somebody else in the neighborhood, I remember fucking lit it on fire, lit the
whole fucking woods on fire.
And I know who it was too because he rode down to the fire station and said that he didn't do it
But he knows that he knew that my friend did it and he fucking ratted out my friend
And I'm sure the fire department was looking at the kid looking at him like listen you little rat
We know you fucking did it right?
So what I was cool to see him and
I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about I hate doing this thing after I've been on a fucking plane.
You know, oh, you know what, I watched it on the plane.
For the second time I saw the movie Black Mask.
You know, I know that that kind of got mixed reviews.
That's one of those movies you gotta see it more than once.
See it the second time.
Dude, Johnny Depp is fucking unbelievable in that movie.
He's unfucking believable.
And there's a couple other other actors. I gotta get their
fucking names. They were absolutely amazing. But I liked it the first time. I loved it
the second time I saw it. So, you know, I know, but most people I heard from were from
Massachusetts, they're like, do the fucking accent, you just shut the fuck up. You know,
when I went to Fargo, they were bitching about the fucking accents in Fargo does that mean Fargo is a bad movie?
Well, why don't we hire you who's not an actor. We'll have you fucking do it. We'll see how that works out, but um I
Just felt you know the second time when I saw it like the pacing of it
I felt like it they tied it in to like the absolute
Sociopath main character that they were trying you're so fucked up as I'm nervous about talking about it.
That's the level of power that those fucking guys had.
It reminded me of the Shawshank Redemption where a lot of people I know the first time
they saw that they didn't like that movie because they felt it was so long and was dragging
on and on and on and on.
But my theory on that movie was they were giving you the sense of what it was like to do time.
Where it becomes like this open-ended thing, no beginning, no middle, no end.
Actually sounds like I'm shitting on the movie, but it just, the way it would fade down and
then just fade up.
And every time in the crowd you'd like be anticipating that there'd be this major turn and it was
just another day in prison a few years
later.
Um, I kind of felt like they were trying to do that with the whitey bulger character
where, um, you know, they were saying like he was a sociopath, like they, and how he
slowly drew in the FBI guys to the point that they were entangled in his bullshit.
Um, and he insulated himself that
way. I really, I don't know, maybe I was too dumb to get all of that shit the first time,
but the second time I watched it, like I said, I went from liking that movie to fucking loving
that movie. So whatever, give it a shot if you haven't. But speaking of which, the fucking Oscars will last night, huh?
White guys fucking crushing it!
Oh, we fucking, we cleaned up last night.
Woo!
Just fucking with you, man.
I only got to see Chris rocks open a monologue,
which I thought was great.
I thought he handled the whole thing fucking perfectly.
Um, and, uh, what else did I see?
I didn't see a lot.
Cause right as it started, the show was starting.
I think we had a nine o'clock show and it started a little bit after eight,
but, um, I have no idea who won what.
I know the Boston movie about the fucking pedophile priest.
I heard that that thing won.
That was it.
Nobody fell down.
Nothing else happened.
Right?
Is that it?
Oh, very quietly.
The first Asian director, I believe, ever fucking won something. Is that what I saw?
I don't know. This is, you know, just a reoccurring thing. I'm not going to look anything up. I'm just going to start talking about it.
And, uh, you know, that's going to be it.
You know what? I don't understand like, I don't understand the weight that people put on the fucking Oscars. So I really got to tell you that, though.
You know what I mean?
I just don't, I don't fucking Oscars though. I really gotta tell you that though. You know what I mean?
I just don't, I don't fucking get it.
I was joking this weekend, like just sitting there watching a bunch of adults running around
wanting to win a trophy.
It's like, well, what are you, in fucking Little League?
Trophies are for kids, aren't they?
You give ribbons and shit and they make some feel good
and you take them out for a fucking snow cone
and then that's it, you know? You put it in the bed bed you get yourself a whiskey and you sit there and you stare at the wall
That's basically your life. I mean, what what do you how old are you? You need a fucking trophy?
Yeah, I don't I don't give a shit about like that type of stuff
But I definitely think that there should be opportunity for everybody, you know, I'd like to hear everybody's stories
So I had no problem with any of that shit.
But I do just think it's funny that people fucking flip out
and start crying about winning a goddamn trophy.
And this trophy means more than that trophy.
This one's more prestigious.
All right, I gotta do a couple of reads here for this week.
What the fuck am I clicking on there?
All right, All right.
And with that, it's mercifully over. It's mercifully over. All right. I don't know if
you guys know this, but I guess they're working on cars that are going to drive themselves
in the future. I don't know why. I mean, how fucking lazy are people going to get?
I mean, it's going to be great for drinking and driving.
You just be drinking and riding, you know, you all of a sudden you'll always have that
fucking thing.
Right?
I don't, I don't like this, man.
I don't like how everything's becoming fucking automated.
You know, I feel like rich people are gradually phasing us out.
You know, because you know goddamn well the only reason
why they allow us to exist is because they need us to farm, right? They need us to deliver
shit. They need us to do a bunch of shit. And I could add another example. I don't know,
dance around like a monkey at a fucking casino, come downstairs and say a couple of words
at your little fucking Illuminati party in the basement.
They need us to do that.
But once everything is automated
and it just handles its fucking self,
do you think you could be a part of that group?
What if you were part of a group
that was just gonna slowly fucking
just phase everybody else out, you know?
And somehow it would happen in your lifetime.
All right? Like who would you keep?
These are very Hitler-esque type questions,
but this is the type of fucking madness
that I think everybody's capable of, you know,
especially, I don't know, if you travel on the road,
some of the dope should fucking meet out there,
watching people getting stirred up, you know,
in all honesty, I can't stand like the choices
that we have for president right up, you know, in all honesty, I can't stand like the choices that we have for president right now
You know as it starts to go towards as a fucking torpedo
That fucking Saint Bernard looking guy Bernie Sanders, right his jowls
As a torpedo his fucking campaign and all Democrats are walking around he can't win he can't win
I love that. I love it. Yeah, cuz you're too much of a pussy to fucking vote for him That's why right so you're gonna vote for this fucking this clammy fucking crook
Or this guy who isn't saying anything, but like I really believe that you know
You could talk people into fucking wiping out everybody on the planet
He's very easily just listen to Donald Trump his speeches where he just says absolutely nothing
You know he said today he was talking to college graduates and he's literally going like I'm going to bring jobs back to the United States you wait there's gonna be more jobs
here by the time I'm done it's gonna make your head spin I'm gonna have I'm gonna have Apple
bring manufacturing jobs back from China to here okay and people clapped
shine it to here, okay? And people clapped. He never has to say how he's gonna do all. I'm gonna plug up the hole in the ozone layer. Water's gonna be clear. I'm gonna get rid of
all terrorism. And that's gonna be the first week. I like this guy. This guy makes sense. He's making it great again.
You know?
And then you got Hillary out.
She just talks through her fucking teeth.
It's like, you know, she looks like she should be doing like a ventriloquist act, but the
puppet isn't there.
Um, I just can't fucking, I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't fucking know.
I don't know idea.
And I don't even know who the other guys are.
I just heard a couple of them talking, trying to trash Donald Trump and they just, they
sounded pathetic.
Just not good speakers.
This is just a, this is a bad one.
This is a bad one.
You know, I got people watching, you know, you know, if you got a great college program
and a bunch of seniors fucking graduate, graduate and you just, you know, you just go through a bad four-year period I think that's what we're coming through we're
coming out of right now you know I like this one guy who's saying he was gonna get rid
of a bomber care if he was elected and people like applauding like I just I don't fucking
get it I don't get why I don't even I don't have a bomber care I guess my tax dollars
pay for it but I don't have any problem with somebody like, I don't want my fellow countrymen walking around
with a fucking toothache.
You need your spleen removed.
Fuck you, figure it out for yourself.
Why don't we help each other out a little more, you know?
Why can't we do that?
And if elected, anybody needs this spleen out?
Donald Trump, I bet I could run for president.
If that's all you gotta do is just say you're going to do all
this awesome shit and you never fucking do it.
Everyone will have health care and it will be free.
All right.
Oh, this weekend, by the way, oh, the self-driving cars.
Let's get back to that fucking thing.
So evidently, some self-driving car hit a bus, which is fucking tremendous for anybody who loves driving.
That is such a tremendous fucking thing that happened today or yesterday or maybe last year.
All I know is I just found the fucking story.
I'm so fucking psyched.
The self-driving car hit the fucking, hit the fucking bus.
I mean, even though it was only going like two miles an hour, it's just so fucking great because it hit a bus. So all you got to say is just, you know,
just be like, well, what if, what if there was a bunch of kids on that bus, right? And then that'll
delay it a good 20 fucking years. Let me see if I can find this story. Google says it bears some responsibility after a self-driving car hits bus.
Can you fucking believe that?
Well, was there a person driving the bus?
I would say that you have all the fucking responsibility unless this guy literally drove into the fucking
thing.
Alphabet Incorporated Google said on Monday, it bears some responsibility after one of its self-driving cars
struck a municipal bus in a minor crash earlier this month.
The crash may be the first case of one of its autonomous cars
hitting another vehicle in the fault of the self-driving car.
Dude, this is going to be a shit show.
This is just one, and it already hit a fucking bus.
You know what I mean?
That's fucking lunacy.
It's fucking lunacy, man.
I will tell you, I mean, I think it will cause people to drink like they've never drank before.
Most nights I don't drink out here because I, you know,
I drive myself places, you know, I don't fucking Uber. Well, that'll put Uber out of business,
right? Well, I guess if you don't have a fucking car, I don't know. Don't you guys like driving?
I hope you have like the option. My thing is how is the insurance going to work?
Because you know goddamn well there's no way the insurance company is going to take that
fucking liability on.
And then they're claiming they're going to get rid of, there'll be no more deaths from
car accidents, there's going to be no more accidents, it's just going to be, it's going
to be like just accident free. Just accident-free And this is amazing to me that this that it's gotten this fucking far considering
you know
That like the amount of times they tried to kill the electric car
Right, you know big oil companies that type of thing. I mean you're fucking with their their blue blood money
You know what I'd have in that let's go electrocute an elephant to show how fucking dangerous these cars are right so
Like
This is the only thing I can think what these insurance companies they're making enough money
To go down there and whack somebody at ABC incorporated, right?
You know they fucking do shit like that you go to a diner and all of a sudden you stagger out going they poison me
And you do a face plant then your invention disappears oh I'm going down the rabbit hole this is
why I think they're letting this one go through because they're eventually going
to get rid of all of us and when they do that they're gonna have no more limo
drivers so they're like well what are we gonna do in the future if we want to
ride somewhere I mean I'm not going to drive my car in soil, my wealthy hands, am I?
And then somebody's like, well, what if we just had a...
We'll just make the cars drive themselves.
Oh, okay.
Okay, kill them all then.
Yes, thank you.
Poison them, remove them from the planet.
I want to think I've read of everybody, how long it would take for this, you know,
to go back to normal.
You have to take all the nuclear waste, right?
Just send it out, you know, out in the fucking space, right?
Send it towards Mars.
Just make sure you don't hit the moon.
And all you do is just fucking chill out in your little house.
I wonder how long it would take to undo all that.
But all this shit that people leave behind,
you know?
The fuck you gonna do with all of that?
That's all gonna go into the soil.
That take a little, you know, it wouldn't happen in your lifetime.
Jesus Christ, I am all over the place, man.
What the fuck am I talking about here?
Murdering people and self-driving cars.
You should see this fucking car, by the way.
This fucking self-driving car
makes the Volkswagen Beetle look like a goddamn Lamborghini.
People on the Simpsons drive a better looking car
than that fucking thing.
Ugh, you know they're all gonna be
the exact same fucking one, right?
You'll have your options of like three different colors, like white, black or beige.
Oh man, this is not uplifting.
I'll tell you what's uplifting.
March 5th, this weekend UFC 196 Conor McGregor.
UFC 196. What do they calling this one? Did they stop
naming them though, by the way? Have they come up with 196 adjectives that describe how fucking
tremendous that sport is? You know, they were UFC 12, the redemption, the revenge, whatever. They
always had like these cool fucking names up once you get up to like
196 they got to be running out right?
Let me see what they got here
UFC 196
Conor McGregor versus some guy Diaz. I wish I knew these guys names better. I'm you know, there's only so much shit
I can pay attention to. He's taking on late
replacement Nate Diaz. Jesus, what happened? He was supposed to fight
somebody else? Rafael, I'm not gonna fucking insult Latinas by trying to
pronounce it. Although I could give you a good laugh here. Rafael Dos Años. Rafael
Dos Años was bounced from his showdown against Connor with a broken
foot.
Ah, what the fuck?
Do you know I was reading something on McGregor today?
Do you know?
I don't understand.
I don't somebody in the fight came.
Please explain this to me.
That guy walks around at 170 and he shredded and then before his fight for whatever fucking
reason, he's got to go down to 145.
Now I can understand if the other guy just walks around at 145 or maybe 155 and Connor
for whatever reason just wants to beat the fuck out of the guy so he's willing to starve
himself down to 145.
For the love of God, can anybody in the fight game that that
does this? Why can't you know, if Connor walks around at 170 and the other guys walking
around at 165, why don't they just fight it like 160? Why do they got to bring everybody
all the way the fuck down there? I just don't understand why they got to do that shit. Check out the Sports Illustrated article
on Conor McGregor, they got like this whole thing
where they only briefly talk about it,
but they're talking about cutting weight.
And it actually sounds in a lot of ways worse than the fight,
like talking about the pain and the agony of it.
And I can't even, I'm not gonna be able to do it justice
because I just read it, I have a very poor memory and I've the agony of it. I can't even, I'm not going to be able to do it justice because I just read it, I have
a very poor memory and I've never gone through it.
But Holly Holmes also fighting against Misha Tate and I'm taking a night off from stand-up
and I'm going to fucking hang.
You know what's great?
This is the one sport that I can really watch my wife like, she likes going to live hoop
too but she loves the fucking UFC.
She gets into it like at a crazy level.
Like that time when he, that guy kicked, uh, kicked the other dude and he had the compound
fracture, you know, and his fucking leg bent all the way back.
I was just like, I walked out.
I'm like, all right, done, done.
I can't watch that.
She was rewinding it, wanted to watch it again and was like, like literally interested in
it.
Um, which means she either should have been a serial killer or gotten into the
medical field because if you can fucking stomach that, um, either way,
I can, um, I'm really excited to see this shit this weekend. I like it.
Even if they're quick fights, even if it's a bad thing,
doesn't make you at least want to work out. You see those guys and fucking women
getting in there. They're all fucking jacked. You look at down at yourself, usually finishing off a pizza. And they put the fuck am I doing?
Going down to Home Depot tomorrow, I'm getting a sledgehammer and a big fucking tire, you
know, and you know what you're doing for a couple of days and then you quit. That's
why you're not a champion. Like what you're going to see on fucking Saturday. There you
go. There's my promo for the UFC. All right, let's let's read some fucking letters for this week. Shall we everybody?
Chances are because we're Cleo. You're losing your figure, sweetheart.
Glad you didn't walk the red carpet at the at the fucking Oscars. They would have been all over you. All right, leaving the country if Trump wins. Dear Billy Elect, what should take on people who
say they're going to leave the country if Trump wins? Besides the potential for lanes to open up
on the highway, I just hope the people that say they're going to leave leave so I don't have to
point out who's a lying sack of shit. They're obviously joking. No one's going to leave, leave so I don't have to point out who's a lying sack of shit.
Um, they're obviously joking.
No one's going to leave this country, but, uh, it's just, you know, he's a very
extreme guy.
You know, I think people said that when Obama, they definitely said it during
George Bush, with some famous star, said it, I remember.
I thought it was like funny.
Then of course Fox News is, well, why don't you leak. Why don't you get the fuck out of here?
You're like
fucking lunacy
What do I think about people say that I think it's kind of hacky at this point, I think that's what everybody says when there's
Somebody that's on the fringe on one side of the other somebody always ends up going you've just good fucking winter
I'm gonna leave. Where are you going to go? This is what people forget. When you leave this country, you immediately
become an immigrant who's taking somebody else's job in the country that you're going to, and you
get treated as such. Even if you're white, they don't want Americans moving up to Canada,
fucking with their population, taking their jobs, you know?
All of a sudden you're standing there, driving a spike into a tree to take out some maple
syrup instead of the other guy.
They don't want that.
They don't want that at all.
Um, all right.
Yeah, I just think they're just saying, I mean, it's fucking scary.
I mean, it's both scary.
I think Hillary was a fucking lion sack of shit, totally dishonest.
And I think Donald Trump is a reality show star.
That's the best we can fucking do.
I just don't fucking get it.
It keeps getting worse.
Jesus fucking the last guy
The last guy that I thought was decent was the first George Bush, you know I
Like when he went into Kuwait and then like he said all right, that's enough That's enough. He didn't go all fucking nuts and we got the fuck out of there
You know and then fucking
Clinton came in I want the fuck that was a big frat party.
He's getting his dick sucked.
He's lying about shit.
People got stuff on him mysteriously die.
I mean, it was fucking nuts.
Then he bombed some people to get out of a fucking blowjob accusation.
The whole fucking thing was, I don't know.
It's been crazy ever since.
Um, I don't know shit about politics.
Don't listen to me.
All right, boyfriend smoking habit. Hey, Mr. Burr, love the podcast and the stand up. Come to Rochester, New York soon. I would love. Um, uh, what the fuck? I just scrolled down.
Sorry.
Love the podcast and the standup.
Come to Rochester, New York.
I would appreciate some advice from yourself and the lovely Nia if she's available.
Uh, she ain't here today, man.
All right.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and since day one, I knew of his daily
weed smoking habit.
He doesn't let her let it hinder his life.
Still very social, faithful going to going to work every day. He's scheduled. He eats
healthy and he goes to the gym four to five days a week. I've tried getting used to it
since it's something that he does and it isn't a problem in his life.
But I've never wanted to try drugs or alcohol, so I don't know what the feeling of being
under the influence of something is like.
Now because of that, my problem is unless I see him during the day, and even then he'll
take a hit, he's not sober.
Is it wrong of me to be concerned that whenever he sees me, he's under the influence of something.
Whenever we go to the movies or a comedy show, he'll bring half a cookie so he can, quote, enjoy the show more.
And why don't I want him to relax after work by vaping a bag and hanging out with me?
Considering this habit has hindered his life in any way. Do I have a
reason to be uneasy about this? I understand why he does it. And he tells me it doesn't
affect his feeling about feelings about me and about us being together, but it still
makes me uneasy whenever I know he's high. Um, yeah, well, I mean, if you don't like
it, you don't like it. And if he enjoys it, he enjoys it. So you both know where you stand.
I gotta be honest, I mean, if someone was drinking every day,
there would be probably an issue with that.
Although there's no medicinal purposes for alcohol,
is there?
Unless they're taking an arrow out of your back.
Don't they like rub some on your gums or some shit?
I can't remember how it goes. You take a shot, is Is that what it is you bite down on a fucking garden hose? I don't remember
Yeah, I mean if he's getting fucking baked all the time and he always you know, so he'll enjoy it more
Yeah, that's a little bit of a red flag. I you know, honestly if you're fucking doing it every day and you're never really sober
He just sort of constantly just sort of high
That's probably not a good way to go through life, but it is his choice. I would just tell him just be like look
I'm not saying you can't smoke, but like you're high all the time and
I'm sober so I'm constantly talking to a
buzzed you and
It bothers me. I would just tell him that and I think that it's going to bother him because when you
fucking smoke weed like that, it's a religion.
You know what I mean?
It's not like, you know, every day he comes home and he does this one little thing, puts
his shoes in the wrong spot or some shit.
This is like, you're talking about his state of consciousness when he's around you at all fucking times. Basically,
you want him to alter that. So that's kind of a major change. He didn't tell me how old
he was, but I don't know. I don't know much about weed. I know some people say they get
productive when they're when they're using it and that type of stuff. But I don't know much about weed. I know some people say they get productive when they're when they're using it and that type of stuff. But I don't know. I really feel that, you know,
and this is somebody who's like realized that his drinking is out of control again. So I just sort
of stopped for the last fucking three days. I mean, I really have to watch it with myself, okay? Because I have the kind of job where, you know, I can get fucked up every night, basically,
and then sleep in the next day.
Now granted, my career would suffer and I wouldn't get anywhere.
And eventually, you know, but I mean, I could do some before like, I, my career totally
did a fucking nose dive provided I didn't like, you know, do something stupid, like
fucking, you know, get behind the wheel of a car,
fucking assault somebody.
If I was just getting drunk every day,
yeah, that would affect where I was in the business,
but it'd be like a long seven year like tapering off,
you know, back to doing the comedy vault
at Remington's in Boston, which doesn't exist anymore, but,
you know, I don't know. I just I just personally, I know I really got to watch it. And my, my, my thing about people who smoke weed is the
fact that they can be on it and nobody really knows, like, you know, and once they're high
all the time, their experience being high and they can just go to work being high.
And you can't do that drunk.
You can't go to work like, you know, shotgun a beer and walk in people just know it just
doesn't work.
But I'm not exactly 100% exact against it the way I used to in the early days of this
podcast when I didn't know a lot about it.
Now I'm understanding that there's certain people, you know, if they have really active
minds, they need to fucking chill out.
It's actually a great thing for them.
But I really think if you're doing it all the fucking time
like that, yeah, like this,
it's probably cause for an issue there, you know,
to bring it up like, hey,
you kind of fucking basically wasted every time I talked
to you.
And then also, you know, that whole thing, you know,
he brings half a cookie so he can enjoy the show. It's like, you know, that whole thing, you know, he brings half a cookie so
he can enjoy the show. It's like you can't enjoy it sober. Like those are kind of some
red flags. I don't know. I also think that you can get addicted to that shit. You know,
I think you I think a guy is to be honest with you, people always say, nah, you're not
really addicted to it.
Oh yeah, you just do it every waking moment. You can't fucking enjoy something unless you're under the influence of it.
There's something there. It's just because it's such a mellow thing. And it's not like, uh, you know, I got a, I got a bunny mind from back in the day, dude.
He's completely fucking addicted to that shit. He says, I love
weed because it turns my life into a movie. And, um, you know, he's basically been high since we
were sophomores in high school. And, uh, without a doubt, it's fucked with his memory. Without a doubt, it's fucked with his drive. You know, I don't know.
But I understand wanting to get fucked up every day, personally.
It's fun.
And the thing with weed, it's so easy.
A couple of puffs and then, boom, you're there.
Drinking takes it off.
I'm going to stop talking about this.
I'm going to have a drink. I said I I take a week off here. So all right.
Well, good luck with that. I would just, I would just say how you're feeling. And if
he gives, you know, gives you shit back, I'd just be like, look, give me, I'm not being
an asshole here. You're just like, you're high every day. Can you just like not be high
a couple of days a week? But like, how do you do that? Not feel like you're infringing on this guy's fucking lifestyle.
I mean, I don't know.
I would bring it up to him.
As I said 20 minutes ago before I meandered my way through that.
Sorry about that.
All right.
I fucked up.
Please advise.
Dear Billy Gingercakes, I am a 26 year old fucking lady who's a tremendous fan of your
work and all its glorious forms?
Well, thank you very much.
That scene in Ephraim for Family with the dad balls when Bill is stuck under the bed
is the funniest fucking thing I've ever seen.
Brilliant.
Well, thank you.
I appreciate that.
I did something really, then all capitals, really dumb.
And I would greatly appreciate your insight because
I know you will tell me the ever elusive truth. I won't tell you why I'll tell you what I
think is the truth, whether it's the right answer, you got to decide that for yourself.
I had been friends with this guy for about two years and now you fuck them and you ruin
the friendship. That's what I'm that's what I'm guessing here. We met through a larger group of friends. There was chemistry between us immediately.
This guy is Sophie's married.
Trying to see how this can go off the rails.
This is reading in the beginning
like one of those dating sites.
They play that stupid piano.
Roodoop, do doop, that stupid.
Ooh, whoa, that dumb shit.
This could be a serial killer.
This could be a sex offender.
I don't know.
We met through a larger group of friends.
There was chemistry between us immediately.
This guy is so funny and so smart and fun to be around.
The problem is he has two penises. I'm kidding.
She didn't write that, but he is also a complete and total whore. Oh Jesus, crushing it and
good for him, but exactly the wrong guy to get hung up on. I knew I liked him too much.
I couldn't help it, but I thought I could handle being friends with him and eventually
the feelings would pass. No, no, you can't be around guys like that.
This guy's a pussy getting son of a bitch.
Right?
Dracula would be like, God damn it, that guy's got game.
Right?
All the ladies love Dracula.
He come up and start gnawing on their fucking necks and that was it.
Turn him into lady bats.
Right?
Then he kick him to the curb, get himself another chick the next day.
We started hanging out a lot,
at least two or three nights a week.
Sometimes he said things that made me think
maybe he liked me too.
Then on my birthday we got drunk and had sex, called it.
Oh, Jesus, she says, let me be clear, he started it.
I just didn't stop it, even though I knew it was a bad idea.
It's like a little kid.
He started it.
Um, the worst part is when I woke up the next morning in his bed, in his bed,
he was gone.
Oh man.
He fled the fucking scene.
Bill, the dude shaped hold in the door, what?
Told me that he was freaked out.
The dude shaped hold in the door, you mean he like literally ran through the door?
I think you left some words out or I'm too fucking old to understand.
Is that some new slang?
Uh, told me he was too freaked out and decided, and I decided to give him some
space.
He called me four days later.
I don't remember the conversation.
Well, were you drunk?
But he said he'd call me back.
That was four months ago.
Clearly he doesn't give a shit.
I get that, but I cannot understand how he could be so much in my life
And then just never fucking talk to me again
The fuck dude the fuck you sound cool as hell by the way
The more immediate problem is that in a few weeks a mutual friend is having a birthday party and dude is gonna
Because gonna be there. What the fuck do I do bill? How do I face him? Do I confront him?
Do I ignore him?
I'm bugging out.
Please help me.
Thank you in any advice.
Nia's got a...
I wish she was here this week.
All right.
Here's the deal.
All right.
This isn't about him.
This is about you.
All right.
Be honest with yourself.
You kind of said it.
You knew what this guy was.
You knew who he was.
All right, but he just had that fucking thing.
All right, he just had that fucking charisma or whatever.
And two years into it, you're drunk.
He started it and you went through it, the whatever.
You know, he got freaked out and confirmed
what you knew all the time and he fucking left.
All right.
Now, be honest with me.
Do you want to fight that fight before you met this guy and you fantasized about the
man you were going to marry?
Was this how it was going to play out?
Was this, is this something that you want to fucking deal with?
You realize you're going to have to like trying to bring this fucking fish in the
amount of heartache, the amount of extracurricular activities and all that
fucking shit that comes along with a guy like this.
Well, why would you do that?
Why would you do that to yourself?
You don't need this shit.
All right.
The problem is, is you're trying to like, you're trying to like figure out the sanity
in somebody's insane behavior.
Okay.
You knew what he was and then he confirmed it.
And now you're like, does he mean this?
He's like, how could he just do that?
Because he's a fucking lunatic.
He's a lunatic. Who knows?
Because his dad ran around on his mom.
Cause his mom took off on his dad.
Who the fuck knows?
Cause of his bullshit.
His giant truckload of fucking bullshit.
Okay. That he is still not even begun to deal with.
Which is why he's behaving like that around you.
You don't fucking need that.
Jesus Christ, all the guys in the fucking world, go to the party and have a good time.
Just tell them.
Just, you know, if you see him, just say, what's up?
No need to be weird.
Okay.
It's over.
Whatever.
We had a good time.
It's fucking over.
I knew you were nuts and now you confirmed it.
All right.
Stop fucking looking at me like you're seeing it go.
Like I just, I would just go there and have a good time.
I wouldn't ignore him.
I wouldn't confront him.
I would just say hello and then I would go on with having, if he wants to talk, talk
to him.
If he doesn't just go on with having a good time.
If you bump into him again, say hello again, but don't let go on with having a good time if you bump into him again say hello again
But don't let that fucking guy ruin your good time
alright and
quit fucking wasting mental time
Trying to figure out his bullshit. He's not worth it. Fuck him. All right. There you go. Fuck him
Hey, who knows you might meet Mr. Right at that place. Oh
This could be they Everlast in the...
Documentary suggestion. Dear Billy Boo!
If you haven't seen the documentary on Netflix about the Ukraine
Revolution, you should definitely check it out. I would love to see that.
It's called Winter on Fire. That sounds
like a really bad 80s song. Winter on Fire. That sounds like a really bad 80s song.
Winter on Fire!
What was that? Saint Elmose Fire.
I can fight some fucking Russians!
I don't like Vladimir Putin.
I'm sorry.
In the immortal words of Ron Burgundy,
while that escalated quickly,
my singing or the
documentary, it starts with some activists deciding to congregate in one place, which
started as an event sent out on Facebook and ended up replacing their president.
Every time I reach you like this, like I am amazed at the human spirit and also feel so fucking lucky
That I haven't had to experience that in a country, you know
In the country I live and we haven't gone through some shit like that
Hopefully it'll never fucking happen because I don't think I could stomach it
You know hearing people running up and down the street. You just sitting there in the house
Who's in charge? The idea is so
foreign to us and I think most people don't understand just how crazy it is.
Yeah, I mean I don't. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. But you are really good
at seeing crazy shit no one notices that is right under our noses. So I think
you'll be floored by this. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well thank you for the
recommendation. I will definitely try to check that out as soon as I can. Is that all the shit? Is
that all the fucking? What am I up to here? 58 minutes and 56 seconds. I think I can bullshit
for another minute and call this a goddamn day. Was there something else that I had to talk about here on the podcast?
Oh yeah, I decided, uh,
I ran into a buddy of mine and he told me his new year's,
New Year's resolution was he wasn't going to argue with his wife this year.
And he's made it all the way to February. I was like, you know what, that's a really cool resolution and I haven't made any this year. So, um,
I'm not giving up arguing with my wife for two reasons.
One, it would destroy my act and two, I'm a selfish son of a bitch.
I have no control with my fucking emotions.
I don't.
It's shameful, but I don't.
So I decided instead I'm trying to get back into learning French.
I feel like as I'm approaching the mid-century mark here, if I don't fucking do it now, I feel like as I'm approaching, you know, the mid century mark here, if I don't
fucking do it now, I'm going to be fucked.
I'm never going to learn how to do it.
So I'm fucking, I'm back into it.
I'm on duo lingo.
I've done it three days in a fucking row.
And the only reason why I'm announcing it to you guys is because if you don't hear me
talking about it, please break my balls and say that I fucking quit again.
I'm a loser and all that type of shit. All that wonderful positive shit that you guys can say anonymously on the
internet. Oh, by the way, you know, you know, it's funny in this fucking business, like they never
tell the performer shit, right? So I'm on stage this weekend. I got to ask this, if there's any
doctors out there, I'm fucking
on stage and I'm doing my act. I don't even know what night it was. I might have been
the first show last night and the whole time I'm doing my act, everything I fucking say,
some guy in the crowd is just like repeating it or commenting on it. You know what I mean?
Like not like heckling. It's more like like black church like Colin response
I was like, yeah, you know, I was walking down the street the other day and he's like, yeah
Walking down the street, you know doing that shit the whole fucking time, but he's not so loud
That the rest of the crowd can hear it so I'm hoping if I just ignore him
He's gonna stop and he doesn't it finally after like a half an hour, it's like, dude, will you shut the
fuck up? You don't have to fucking comment on everything. He's like, all
right, all right, all right, just doing that shit. But I love you, take same shit
like that. And you know, I was trashing him and all that shit. So afterwards I
ended up meeting him after the show and he ended up telling me that he had
Tourette's. And then somebody on the show goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Tourette's we didn't know if you should throw him out
It's like why don't you fucking tell me that before I make a fucking ass out of myself?
I felt terrible, but here's my question. Is that a former Tourette's?
I thought Tourette's is either you're cursing your brains out or you make weird noises or you do some sort of
Physical tick. I didn't know that you fucking
All of a sudden we're
doing that, you know, I'm in a Baptist church, you know, except doing it in a way that eggs
on the fucking speaker, it actually annoys the shit out of it. Well, maybe that's my
temperament. I have no idea. That's my question for somebody out there in the medical field.
Is that a form of Tourette's? or was he just trying to make me feel bad?
I'm literally yawning here.
Like a fucking idiot.
Um, all right, that's the podcast for this week.
Oh, Billy, no booze bag is back on the fucking wagon again.
Um, I gotta tell you, as much as I fucking go up and down with that shit, at least
I do nip it in the bud, you know, I, uh, I just drank too much.
What was it?
Friday night woke up fucking hungover tired as shit.
I was just like, what the fuck am I doing to myself?
This is stupid.
And, um, then I watched black mask and I was watching them drinking bud wizers in
1970s, pull tab cans.
And I was like, God, I miss that.
I miss it already.
All right.
All right.
That's the podcast for this week. Sorry
It was so late. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday talking to this time. Doesn't need a little brain, salad surgery.
I got to cue my insecurity.
But I've been in the wrong place,
but it must have been the right time.
I've been in the right place,
but it must have been the wrong song.
I've been in the right place,
but it seemed like a wrong on.
But I've been in the right world, but it seemed like a wrong one. I've been in a right way, but it seemed like a wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.