Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-14-24
Episode Date: March 14, 2024Bill rambles with Esther Povitsky about being 'alone together', snacks that let you down, and her new movie 'Drugstore June' . Drugstore June is available to rent or buy on all platforms. (00:00) - T...hursday Afternoon Podcast (40:24) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 3-14-26 - Bill rambles about World War II Leaflets, Los Angeles, and painting your own home. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Madonna - I'll Remember Zip Recruiter: Go to www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR to try if for free
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Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning
podcast and I'm just checking in on you.
Like that?
I'm just checking in on you.
I'm wearing some sort of a golf hat.
Didn't shave the head today.
I'm looking like a bum.
We're filming it, which means I have a special guest, special guest slash movie star, star of the new hit movie, Drugstore June,
directed by Nicholas Goosen, produced by ATC, written by Nick and Esther Pivitzky, my guest,
Esther Pivitzky.
Clapping.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Produced by you.
Plus one.
Plus one. That's right. you. Produced by you. Plus one.
Plus one.
That's right, I'm here for two today.
I'm two and a half weeks away from hopefully
giving birth and surviving.
That's awesome.
And that's a good career move.
Back in the day, that would be the end of your career.
They would send you to Mexico for an abortion.
Why is it good now though?
Just like more attention?
No, I just think like, it's-
Seems stable.
It's accepted.
Yeah.
We finally accepted that you guys make babies
in this business.
And that we, you know, say what you want
about the patriarchy.
We do allow you to work after that.
That's true.
Yeah, no, I do appreciate that.
And I appreciate being able to work during.
That's been a privilege.
Have you been going out?
How close are you?
What'd you say?
I'm due in two and a half weeks.
And if she doesn't come, I'm going in and getting like, they're making her come out.
Yeah.
There you go.
And then the big thing, don't listen to other parents.
Oh, really?
Unless they're giving you positive shit, listen to that.
Okay.
But if you get the ones like, how was it?
Oh, wait till next month.
Get them out of your life.
Yeah, there's been a lot of incidences where I run into people and they're like, my birth
was so bad and they just start telling me all about blood and vomit and I'm like shaking.
I'm like, can you stop?
It's really making me uncomfortable.
But do you have any?
Don't you realize your pregnancy is about them?
Like, when are you gonna wake up to that?
That all I hear when someone does something like that,
I just think you're a horrible parent.
You don't hear your kid, their kid is screaming for love
and you are just so wrapped up in your own BS.
But I'm excited for you guys, man.
Thank you. Well, my baby's father, who is in the own BS, but I'm excited for you guys. Thank you. Well, my baby's father
who is in the room today because as I told you before we started, in case you
brought up anything about sports, I wanted to have a Boston sports expert
in the room. Okay. But he has said that... You know, Boston guys, we do have an ability to talk about other things. I can't imagine that. Like the queers, right?
Another ignorant thing.
But he says he was like, he wanted to actually have a rule where we don't talk bad about
our kid.
And I'm curious how you feel about that as like a stand-up comedian.
Do you ever?
Yeah, no, I would never do that.
Really?
I barely talk about my kids and if I do,
I make sure if it's something cute or something like that
or I'm the butt of the joke, I would never do that.
This is why I look at it.
It's like, there's mean kids at school,
I don't need to be writing them material
to then aim them at my own kids.
And I also respect the fact that I was dumb enough
to get into this business, They should have their own lives. And like, yeah, like I,
my dad was a dentist. He didn't come home and like talk about filling teeth and
shit like that. So like I don't, you know,
and I don't have any like pictures of me doing stand up or any of that crap
around the house. I just come home.
That would be weird if you did though. I even agree.
And I'm a double point from the 90s?
My first headshot.
Letting you and you know that I was going to make it.
No, I never did the double point.
I wish you would have.
I wish I did too.
I wish I gave into it.
I wish when I had hair, if I spiked it up, had the mullet,
the sleeves of the sport coat pulled up.
Do you think you wanted to do the double point or were you ahead of it already?
Like you knew not to? I was beaten down enough emotionally to know to just,
I was just blending in. So the grunge scene was in.
Dressed, I dressed like you. You, really? Yeah, I had like flannels were in all of a sudden
and everybody had to pretend like they were getting rained on every day and
were upset. It was the whole Seattle thing. It was quite a departure
from pretending everything was okay with a metal band. So what generation are you?
What have they branded your generation? I'm like a very classic true millennial.
But in the movie a lot of people think that I'm like a very classic true millennial. Oh, that's good.
But in the movie, a lot of people think that I'm playing a Gen Z person, but I just happen
to be a millennial that relates more to all of Gen Z's bad qualities.
Oh, okay.
So I kind of, I, yeah.
What is Gen Z getting blamed for at this point?
It's kind of like, I feel like the more I'm learning about this stuff, it feels like it's always the same thing on the young, whatever the youngest generation is at this point. It's kind of like I feel like the more I'm learning about this stuff it feels like it's always the same thing on the young whatever the
youngest generation is at the time it's like they're lazy they're that's it. The
older generation should just say we're scared and we're closer to dying. Yeah.
And sorry we're lashing out at you. Are you Gen X? On the metal side.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm not like, once Eddie Vedder
and all of those guys came in
and knocked all of my bands out of,
I never felt young again.
See, I'm like, okay, I also have this fear
that I'm exactly what all of your standup is about
that's bad in the world. That's what I represent.
Including my comedy.
That's also what's bad in the world.
I love Britney Spears.
Did I trash Britney Spears?
No, but I just feel,
I don't know any of the music that you like.
When you bring it up, I have to smile and have to like smile and pretend like I know it,
but I don't.
And I also.
What about when I start shaking you
and I yell, what's wrong with you?
About.
In the parking lot at the store.
You don't know who Crocus is?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
But I, and then like, you know, I'll,
I'm a white woman who will get
into a customer service disagreement.
Like I just feel like based on. I'm amazed white woman who will get into a customer service disagreement. Like, I just feel like based on your-
I'm amazed at that.
What do you mean?
Because as much as I have a temper and I'll fly off the handle, I do that in a- no, I
guess I'll do it in a store.
Because I always wanted to like, you know, it seems that there's like a fight.
I always look at it like if you have an argument, that's entertaining.
So I don't mind you holding up the line.
You know, if you guys are having a good one, you know, and the heads start getting going
and even as white women you're trying to be sassy because you've watched enough reality
television and you think that's what you're supposed to do.
As long as it's a good fight, I don't mind.
But like my thing, my big pet peeve is standing in line between women
checking in at a hotel.
Why?
The endless fucking questions.
Okay.
Where's the gym?
What time's the breakfast?
Is there a good coffee spot around here?
Just no worry that they're going to get punched in the back of the head
because they're women.
Like, I always feel like as a man, I'm on the clock.
Like it's just like, if this goes any longer,
the guy behind me has the right to slap me
in the back of the head.
That is a very different way that we move through the world.
Yeah, I'm not usually, I mean, I am afraid of most things
because I'm like five feet tall,
and especially now being pregnant,
I'm just like this, I feel like a big egg waiting to hatch.
And like someone could just like go like this
and like I'll die.
But I really am, I've heard a lot,
I think it was actually Miss Pat who once said to me
when I was doing last comic standing with her
that it seemed like no one ever hit me before
and that like maybe I needed, that like maybe I needed that.
Can I tell you something? I was talking to somebody about that the other day.
There's so many people out there that need a good fucking beating.
That is such a horrible thing to say.
It depends on who it is. I don't mean women.
I don't mean women.
Like you just look at like some of these politicians.
They can just see they never took a fucking beating.
You just see it.
I remember one time I accidentally got in a position where I shook Bill Clinton's hand.
Whoa.
And I gotta tell you, it was the softest.
Like if you could make, like it was, that guy had never worked in his life.
It was beyond woman soft. Like I don't even know what it was he never worked in his life I was I was it was beyond woman
soft like I don't even know what it was it was like like it wasn't even a person
I like a horse muzzle you ever touch a horse muzzle his hands this guy grew up
in Arkansas I mean those fucking people have like dirt floors out there I don't
know what this guy did he was it was unbelievable I just want to say I've had
the literal exact same experience and I mean no disrespect,
but when I shook the hand of John Lovitz,
I felt the same thing.
Oh yeah, John Lovitz doesn't work.
It was so soft.
It was really, I was like, oh my God,
I need to get his routine, he's so lovely to touch.
I think he likes, he's one of those guys
that actually uses the bath in a hotel room.
Wait, I do that.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, cause okay, so I don't take showers,
I only take baths, and so when I'm in a hotel,
I would be at the checkout line, or the check-in,
you know, like, can I get a room with a bathtub?
And then it's like, they're trying to charge me extra,
but I have to do it because I...
So if they try to charge you extra, extra, charge you extra, do you...
I, look, here's the truth, is that my customer service disagreements have had to retire,
you know, mostly because I've embarrassed my fiance so much that it's like it has to
stop and then I'll...
No, no, no, no no no no no no we got
to get into this what do you do like how far does it go is it a time thing that's
embarrassing I don't know do you do you have any it's more just like a refusal
to let it go embarrassment like where were the pink purse return yeah there was a
purse return where these incidents have names. I like this. The pink...
I just...
It sounds like an episode of your show.
Oh, you should have a TV show, I mean. The Pink Purse Incident.
That would be a good title.
Um, but since I've, you know, matured in my mid-30s,
I'm really trying to be mature and, you know,
let things go.
Wait, what happened with the pink purse incident?
It's just, I wouldn't let it go,
and then you know sometimes, like,
they won't let it go either.
You know what I mean?
Doesn't that mean they won't let you win?
That, but also, like, they're getting off on it too.
Oh.
You know?
Like, this is not just me and my bad day,
like, this is her. So you guys start snapping and then you start just me and my bad day. Like this is her.
You guys start snapping and then you start dancing.
And this feels like a musical theater here.
Now I like this show a lot more.
Um.
She, like, just when you feel like we're going at it,
and again, like everyone's, everyone's playing their part.
Cause sometimes people are just, you know,
they're not matching your level
of psychotic behavior.
Right.
But I, don't you think I don't do it anymore?
Yeah, he has had the trache.
Good answer, good answer.
Oh, it is true, I wasn't sure if you were just doing that
to keep the peace.
I mean, I'd say it anyway, but it's also.
You can be happily married.
Can't be trusted.
All right, well, what I've always loved about you
is I just always felt you had like your own vibe.
Thank you. When you came out,
it was just like you were different
and you and Nick somehow turned this into a script
and we've done a number of these,
what do you call them, promotional things,
whatever, screenings.
The worst, I've only been in this business 32 years.
What do you call those things? Screenings. Q and A, screenings. The worst, I've only been in this business 32 years. What do you call those things?
Screenings.
Q and A, screenings, password.
What I have noticed, I don't know if you've noticed this,
but like, and it's why I love this movie and everything,
was I was watching this going,
I don't think I've ever seen a person like you,
but I know that that means this is like this underserved
demographic, and then when we would go to like the screening like you your fans are like
into you people like I love you answer there's a it's it's like there's a love
bordering like with a touch of almost emotional breakdown what I'm just going
all right this is what I see,
I've seen, I mean, I've been around long enough
that I know that like, this is like a new voice
of something that is, that needs to be talked about.
So let's talk a little bit about this movie
that you were nice enough to get like all of these
comedians in, Al's in it, Bobby Lee is in it.
Yes, which you were very, you and him went out at one of the Q and A's in it, Bobby Lee is in it. Yes, which you were very,
you and him went at it at one of the Q&As recently
and it was very entertaining, but it was also very mean.
I can't remember what was said, but it was.
I was following your lead.
You guys were talking about how horribly unprepared
Bobby was. No, no, no.
And that it was gonna be a 15 day shoot
and then he showed up and it turned into 17.
And now this movie has to be a hit.
Because it went so over, no that's not true.
But there was, you know, with Bobby,
you never know what's gonna happen
and he made it fun for everyone.
I know what's gonna happen, he's gonna kill it.
I love Bobby, Bobby did a-
He's so good in the movie.
He is, he is.
And honorable mention here, James Reymar.
Oh, are you?
He played, oh my God, one of my favorite movies of all time.
Warriors.
One of my favorite bad guys of all time.
Not Warriors.
No.
48 hours.
Really?
Him in 48 hours, his character Gans with Billy Bear, and not to mention that the gun
sound in it, and Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy and it's basically even though it's a comedy,
it's a straight up drama. It's like it's just it's just the way it's shot. I watched it last year,
it still holds up. He's such a guys guy is what I'm noticing like James Reymar when he comes up like
men go crazy for him like even Adam Sandler was like, you guys got James Rehmar?
He's such a, and he was such a great actor,
and he's so serious and real and grounded.
He was really great to work with.
Yeah, well that's why everybody loves him,
because he picks these great projects.
He's a Warriors, 48 hours, six feet under.
He was in Oppenheimer.
Oppenheimer, yes he was.
Yeah.
I finally just saw that.
Everybody was in that.
I know, it was so good.
It was great.
Yeah, I heard you were talking about Robert Downey Jr.
and how he made you believe that Superman could-
Superman's costume would work, because yeah,
I thought as I was just like,
I didn't recognize him for like three scenes,
I was finally like, wait, is that fucking,
that's Robert Downey Jr.
No, I didn't. Oh my God.
I totally was on the same page as you.
No, I like, you know, like each generation has like an actor.
That generation, he's ours.
And that guy was- Oh, interesting.
Oh, dude, he was like, I'm trying to think my first song
was either like weird science back to school.
He played the roommate.
Then he did like less than zero.
And it was like, oh man, what, this guy oh man, this guy's got some chops and everything.
And then I can't remember if he did Chaplin
and then had the drug problem, I don't know what.
Kiss, kiss, bang, bang.
Yeah, he just was been like somebody that,
and then he could play Iron Man
and do like a big Hollywood superhero movie and still crush that.
I don't know if you watched the Oscars, but I was thinking, like, that's so, how does that feel for him?
That everyone just jokes that he's a drug addict? I'm like, would you be cool with that?
I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't joke about that.
Yeah, but-
Would I be cool with that? I mean, it's part of your story, so you kinda gotta take it, but like,
it's also like, the guy's been sober now
for like 30 years, so to me,
it just seems like a hacky joke.
Oh, I see, okay.
So it's not probably too sensitive, hopefully.
I'm not gonna speak for the man.
Especially now that he has an Oscar.
I thought he already had one,
I thought he won one for Chaplin.
But anyway.
And we had Beverly D'Angelo, who was so funny
and just like truly iconic.
And it is cool to see the difference
between like the older actors that we had
and then like the comedians.
Like how the actors, their process is so serious
versus comedians is so not serious.
And I think both processes are like right.
Yeah, it's kind of like however you,
I'll tell you, the ones that amaze me
are the ones that show up and don't even know the lines.
And you're just like, how can you fucking,
actors or comedians or whatever,
like I did a,
did an episode of Crashing.
Oh, I love that show.
Yeah, I love that show too.
Pete Show, and I remember like the second day,
they said you're the first comic that's shown up
and actually known the lines.
What?
Which blew my mind.
I always thought that if you show up for an acting gig
and you don't know the lines, you immediately get fired.
Or they deal with you and then
you never work again. I still think that's true.
I agree. And in fact, I also think that if you ever show up not knowing your lines, you
will never do it again because the pain of that. I did theater in high school. I know
you're surprised.
I didn't see you as a theater kid.
Yes, I definitely was.
But there was one day where we were supposed
to have the lines memorized and I didn't
and like it will never happen again after that.
It was so, it's humiliating.
And like it's just-
Yeah, you're just letting everybody down.
Yeah, and then there's nothing you can do to solve it
because it takes so much time and effort
to memorize something that there's no in the moment mix.
It's so shameful.
Like that would never.
Well how come you didn't know your life?
I think I was just like 15 and you know.
That's a great answer.
Like I.
I was just being 15 man.
Yeah girl.
I remember a long time ago, me and this other comic
were trying to start shooting some stuff
and we wrote this sketch and we hired a non-actor,
but we thought he could do it.
And he showed up, I go, okay, here we go,
you stand there, we're gonna start shooting blah blah blah,
and he just goes, okay, what do I say?
And we were just like, well, yeah, man,
you fucking, you say, hey man, what's going on?
And he goes, all right, all right.
And then I said something, then he goes, okay, you fucking, you say, hey man, what's going on? He goes, all right, all right. And then I said something, he goes,
okay, then what do I say?
It's just like, and then I remember looking
at the other comic, we just looked at each other,
like this guy doesn't know any of his fucking lines.
Like, and it just, and I get you're not an actor,
but I think anybody who's not even in the business knows,
you gotta know your lines.
Yeah, it sounds like this guy maybe had a lot more going on
than just not being an actor.
Yeah, he did, but I mean, I have a lot going on.
But like if somebody says, hey, can you help me move?
I don't show up in a three-piece suit.
I show up dressed, ready to help somebody move.
So what can you, as far as like talking about the movie
without giving it away, like how much of this character
first off is, are you exaggerating yourself?
Is this pretty much how you are?
Is there pink purse moments that people can?
I think it's like exaggerated on all the bad parts of me.
I had a show called Alone Together for two years
that's on Hulu and this is, I would say,
is a little bit similar.
No, it just took me back to being in New York.
Why?
I don't know, I was just emotionally shut down
and I just, you know, be with somebody
trying to make yourself feel feelings
and you just were walled off.
Just the words alone together?
Alone together.
Made you clutch your heart?
No, because I fucking, I hurt some people.
I hate that, trying to figure out who the fuck I was
and then also New York was all, you know,
come to New York and be alone with everybody.
So anyways, you did alone together, sorry.
Wait, let's explore what you just said actually.
No, no, no, don't put it on me, this is your interview.
But I tend to write, and I'm curious if you feel this way
too, like I tend to write and like to express myself
as like my worst parts of me.
I like to exploit my flaws.
Just because I think it's sort of a reaction
to when I first moved here and all the sitcoms were like,
the women have to be likable and you know,
the men have to want to fall in love with them.
And I think I just got that in my head and was like,
oh, ew, I have to do everything different than that.
And-
You had to have a lot of props.
I feel like sitcom women, like, couldn't do a scene
unless they had like a proper in their hair.
Yeah, like their latte.
Yeah, something.
And lipstick, I don't know.
Do you find?
People hold things in life.
I need to hold things in this scene.
I will say that is what I struggle with the most
in acting is holding things.
Oh, I hated props.
I know.
It made me like forget lines.
And you would like, they would give you something
that you knew how to use in your real life.
Then as you're thinking of words,
you'd start going like this with like a spoon or something.
Like what, yeah, it's, you've got a lot.
What are you doing with the, I don't know.
I don't know what to do with the spoon.
You were, but you were great with the clipboard
as a doctor in this movie, by the way you and you are so fun to improvise
I took a props intensive class. Okay, it shows it really shows when you watch
I should get the link to that from you because I need to take it as well
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But do you feel like in old dads, for example,
like are you you?
Are you worse than you?
Are you someone else?
I was, I would say it was all of that.
Where I was like, yeah, the bad parts were definitely me.
The better parts were me trying,
you know, the person I wanted to be,
and then like, you know, like running a business
and kind of being that sort of guy.
That aspect of Jack, you know, he's running a company
and having employees and all that type of stuff
was something that I've never done anything like,
because I've ever done something,
was maybe when I directed, you know,
just having to be in charge of like a crew or whatever.
It was the first time I did that.
So that part of it was not me, but overall, yeah.
Which is what's funny,
because now I'm writing another one
that's like, all right, well, I already used me.
Right.
So now I gotta write somebody that isn't me,
but it's fun because it's becoming like an amalgam
of a couple of people that I like to imitate
and that I like and everything.
Something you just said that it was parts of you
that were bad, but parts of you that you wish you were,
like that makes me think, oh I never thought of that,
I should do that.
Like I should try to write who I wish I was.
Yeah, understanding you.
Yeah.
Patient you.
Yeah, like I don't know, I can't even,
I don't think I have enough creativity to find that,
but it would be an interesting challenge.
I'm also curious what,
cause you mentioned that like having past relationships
and like feeling alone in them and I don't
know I kind of want to
Not all of them.
I don't want ex-girlfriends to be freaking out but I was like a fucking a lunatic in
you know Ron Howard clothing.
Like they would look at me thinking I was like you know Apple pie and Chevrolet and
I was a complete fucking page one lunatic.
I actually am so comforted to hear that because I live with that too.
Like when I think about my behavior in my 20s
is just like a crazy young woman dating.
I'm like, wait, that's so bad.
Like can I ever fully recover from just like
how crazy and jealous and insecure
and like stupid you are when you're younger?
So it felt good to like hear a grown adult man say that too.
Well, there's something funny about picturing you
five foot nothing, but like crazy women,
like most guys, crazy women scare the shit out of men.
Really?
Yes, because you don't know how to deal with like a crazy guy.
As much as he's crazy, it's like I can fucking grab something
and smash him over the head with it, you know?
Something.
I can run away from this person.
I'm faster than him.
You know, you got a solution, but women,
like a crazy woman, you can't run away from her.
She's just gonna keep coming.
She's fucking nuts.
Like, we've all, like, I don't know,
I've just had like a crazy woman in your life,
and it's like terrifying.
It's fucking terrifying because there's no boundaries
to what they're gonna do.
Like what sort of like emotional damage are they gonna go
for, is this gonna be public humiliation,
are they gonna make something up,
are they gonna attack my property,
are they gonna try to kill me?
It's so bad that this is all just,
I'm finding empowerment in it.
Like it's, I'm like wow, we really can do a lot.
Like, no, that's the thing.
Like, well, the thing about all of this talk where they now, like, when they're talking
about the male, the patriarchy or whatever, like, first of all, the patriarchy only works
for a select few group of men.
Like most of us are driving a truck for the patriarchy and then going home to a woman
who may or may not be sane. So that's what I will say that that's what makes what makes
men funny is how little society gives a shit about whatever thing we're going through.
Yes, I do enjoy that. That is funny. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious. Because there's no, you don't check in with a guy.
He just deals with it until he keels over
on a fucking golf course.
That's essentially your existence
while the whole time your wife is sort of directing
the scenes of your life and being like,
yeah, yeah, cut, cut,
taking the headphones off.
Yeah, listen, when you were talking to my mother,
I know you were being nice,
but it just didn't seem like you were totally there emotionally
and you're like, okay, yeah, got it, got it.
All right, all right.
I don't have enough pull on this set
to stick with my choices.
It is true.
It is so, this is like what I've noticed
from being in a long relationship with a mature man.
Like, it is hard to get you guys to like,
say stuff sometimes where I feel like any little complaint,
like if I stub my toe, I'm like, we need to talk.
Like, let's just pull over and like talk this through.
At least you know you're a lot.
Yeah.
Absolutely, like I'm the
self-awareness is there. But like with him I noticed early in our relationship
like he just would like hold stuff in and I almost like because you guys are
just so used to not. You get gay bashed. It's basically what happened if you if
you felt anything other than than laughing or rage were basically
acceptable and then the only other emotion you were supposed to have was being fine.
That was it.
How about you?
I'm fine.
I'm good.
Everything cool?
Cool.
Totally cool.
It's funny that fine is like top tier for a guy but for a girl that's like your worst
nightmare if you hear that word.
Oh, fine?
Yeah, it's like everything's fine.
Oh yeah, no, it's 100% the exact opposite.
Yeah.
Especially if it goes out, I'm fine, God.
Yeah, it's good, leave me alone.
All right, well, so let me,
something I was fascinated about watching this movie is the jokes you were doing was sort of like your relationship to food and everything and scarfing down cupcakes.
Scarfing down. I love hearing a man tell me that about my behavior.
Yeah, just shoving it down your little piggy hole there.
Crying yourself to sleep.
I feel beautiful.
Waking up with that cupcake napkins half on your
chins, partly on your neck.
What was that movie?
The whale?
Did you see that?
Did you relate?
Was there any moment during your pregnancy that you thought you got up, you were going
to have that, you were just going to go into the white light? I so I've never had alcohol and like I've been sober most of my life and it's
truly because like how out of control I feel around like a sprinkles cupcake
that I'm like oh if I ever tried alcohol and this addiction vibe transferred over
like my life would be it would be Well you got nowhere for the calories to go.
It's, well it's.
You'd be like a fucking kitchen fridge within a week.
Those little floor fridges.
I just, I'm like, I have no self control
with my love for sugar that.
No one does.
Thank you.
No one does.
Thank you so much.
No one does.
You know what I did earlier last year?
I just started, if I say something out loud,
I can make it happen.
Within reason.
I don't mean like, I'm gonna own the world,
I can't do that.
It's on a much lower level.
What do you mean?
Like, I'm doing my laundry today.
I have to say it out loud and then it happens.
So I just said, I don't eat desserts.
Oh!
I just.
When did you say that?
For horror! Woo! Wait, when and When did you say that? For horror!
Woo!
Wait, when and why did you say that?
I fucking hate going to the gym.
I hate having man tits.
I'm orange.
I don't need to be fat, too.
I mean, I'm already unsightly in shape.
Most people don't want to look at me.
So I don't need to be walking around like fucking fat and red and orange.
Okay, but usually if someone is to the point
where they're saying out loud, I'm done with desserts,
that is like.
No, I don't eat desserts.
Oh, I don't eat desserts.
Like something bad happened right before
and I'm curious like about that.
Like did you have like.
No, no, I didn't.
I wasn't like the whale making a pizza sandwich
out of donuts and shit.
But like, I will say what's funny though,
is to say that when there's another man present.
If you're on like a double date,
and they're gonna wanna get something,
I go, I don't eat desserts, you know?
And then they feel pressure to not even have something sweet
because that means they have a little sugar in their tank.
It always goes back to being gay with straight guys.
Not gay, not having Trace Leigh Che.
You know, it's stupid.
It's dumb, it's like, it's delicious.
No, I don't, I, somewhere I think with how far
I pushed it with alcohol, it then bled in,
then when I got rid of that, something had to be,
like the rave has to keep going, right?
Yes, yes.
So it has to, you know, I'm at 10 with alcohol,
so then wherever else I went, it had to stay there.
So my cigar smoking got out of the loop.
So I had to like quit fucking cigars,
which is an on again, off again.
Like, do you know De Niro's relationship
with Sharon Stone and Casino?
Yes, of course. That's like me
with fucking cigars.
Like, oh my God, you're gonna let them back into your life?
Um, like with dessert, during the pandemic,
me and my wife definitely, you know,
I started smoking weed and then ice cream sandwiches.
Oh. Yeah.
Like the, where it's like the brown cookie
or like the chocolate chip cookie?
Those brown ones suck.
They never, I don't even know what that is supposed to be.
That's not a sandwich. I don't know what that is made to be. That's not a Sam.
I don't know what that is made out of.
I know, as I was saying it,
I didn't know what to call it other than the brown one.
Yeah, the brown one is, that's the one I grew up on.
And I never even, they never tasted good
and I still ate them.
It was like Twinkies, never tasted good.
Devil Dogs, never tasted good.
They used to like dry your mouth.
It was the driest shit with just a little hint of cream.
I know.
That's what keeps you coming back for more.
It's like they just barely, like they're bread crumbing you
into liking it.
I am curious though, like.
M&Ms, peanut M&Ms.
Oh.
That airport one that you usually get for a family of four.
Oh, oh yes, that bag that's like a tub.
I would jerry-rig like a rubber band around my neck and be like a horse.
Oreo cookies. Okay, well I'm not even having to ask and you're just... Oreo cookies, blonde ones, bold ones, you know.
Blonde ones. Blonde ones, the dark ones, like women. I like them all. They call them golden Oreos but yes, no they are. The ones that are the same
color as Jesus. Those are the best Oreos. I call those the clan Oreos. Where they can't
even, they don't like regular Oreos because it reminds them of interracial marriage. I
had an uncle who was like. In the Klan? No, I hope not.
I'm not sure.
I can't really say.
He was very old, so it's possible.
But when we would go visit his house in Wisconsin,
his drawers would have literally like 50 Snickers bars.
And as kids, we were like, this is so cool.
And then of course we found out that that was like,
because he was sober and his addiction had transferred like to sugar
So I do think that is a common
Yeah, I gotta say if you can get to your addiction while still lying in bed, like that's not a good thing
Definitely been there. That's the thing about alcohol. At least you have to get up to make a drink. I've seen
I've seen the other things. You just had a pail of boos
and you did like you know when you siphon gas to get it going and then you were like under.
I've seen that. Yeah so um well where can people uh where's this movie at right now? So we just did
a month-long run in theaters and which you were at some of those screenings.
It was really fun to have you.
And now it's available digitally.
Nice.
Yay.
Look at you guys.
We're streaming.
We're on demand on Apple.
You can rent or buy on Amazon, Voodoo, everywhere.
And I don't know how much you get updated, but we've been.
I am completely out of the loop.
We've been smashing all of the expectations
set by our movie studio.
So we have just been like crushing it on digital sales,
theatrical sales.
So the podcast fans have really been coming out
to support this movie.
None of that surprises me.
I knew you were unique.
I knew the movie was unique.
And I'm telling you, when I heard those people
at your screening, I love you!
I was like, I feel seen!
It was that whole vibe and I was just like,
all right, this is a whole, like, that's awesome.
You realize, you know, the odds of writing something,
selling it and then getting it into theaters,
getting it onto something
and then actually having it do well, that's incredible.
Thank you, it's very, it is very,
it has been a long trek, and thank you to you,
like, for putting your name behind the movie,
supporting it so much, and also showing up,
and being in it, like, that scene with you is so funny,
it's like, it opens up our trailer,
it's the funniest moment in the movie, obviously,
so thank you. Well, I think the whole movie is funny, but I moment in the movie, obviously. So thank you.
Well, I think the whole movie is funny,
but I'm also, yeah, make sure they pay ya.
Yeah.
You know, on this note.
That is why I'm here today, actually.
This is also like the new thing.
The new thing is, yeah, and then you go back
and they act like your last hit movie never happened.
You're like, wait, what?
Did they rewind my life here?
All right, so you can see it on Apple. Did I do a half hour? You can cut that part out. All right, I'm really bad with this. I'm, I apologize. You're like, wait, what? Did they rewind my life here? All right, so you can see it on Apple.
Did I do a half hour?
You can cut that part out.
All right, I'm really bad with this.
I apologize profusely for being so fucking late.
I just went flying by.
Anyway, all right people, so the name of the movie
is called Drugstore June,
written by Nicholas Goosen and Esther Pivicki.
You can see it streaming
now on Apple, Amazon, and all of that. My stamp of approval all over this thing.
You're gonna love it. Hilarious and fantastic cameos as long as well as
James Reimar, Beverly D'Angelo and who played your brother? He was fantastic.
Brandon Wardell. Yes and also oh Haley Joel Allsman isn't it he's so good I know
he's really shit he's really I didn't even know it was him I thought it was
somebody from like Skinner or something he had the long hair and stuff those
like oh fuck that's the kid from the dead people shit right I watch movies
the dead people uh six cents yeah six, that was the 90s thing,
was all about the surprise ending.
Yeah.
You didn't know if someone was dead
or if they actually had a dick, right?
Yeah.
Do you remember that?
What was that?
The crying game.
I missed that one, but I'll have to go back.
Oh, you wanna hear something real quickly on Larry's?
I went to go see Madonna with my wife.
I went to Madonna this weekend.
So I thought she was going to have a band.
Like I had no idea what was going to go.
Like she used to have like Jonathan Moffitt on drums or like Omar Hakeem.
So I'm like, and she's a drummer.
So I mean, she's going to have a beast.
Wasn't that, it was something else.
So right as the lights go out, my wife goes, she goes, by the way, this is going to be
the gayest thing you've ever been to.
It certainly was.
I was like, what? What are you talking about? Well, I mean, it wasn't the gayest thing I've ever been to. It certainly was. I was like what are you talking about?
Well I mean it wasn't the gayest thing I've ever been to. Oh it was for me. I
would say a drag show. I went to a drag show one time at Hamburger
Harry's. Hamburger Mary's. Yeah it was like you know it was like right
there. Yeah what did you think of Madonna? Madonna was like you know you're up there
you're you're you and the gay is like, there's a moat between
it.
No, it's all around you at the Madonna concert.
I know, I'm kidding.
What did I think about it?
I like the whole retrospective of her career and it was also like, like her career kind
of, she came out right as I was, became a teenager and something.
So like, it was funny, like all, her music was always on in the background
because once again, you couldn't admit
that you liked Madonna as a guy in my town.
It was just like, you know.
Was she ever someone you had a crush on?
No.
No.
Interesting.
No.
I was more, who did I have crushes on back then? No. Not Debbie Gibson.
The one we used her as a reference in the movie. Lita Ford. Lita Ford, Joan Jett, Pat
Benatar. Oh, okay. The girl played leather on Leather in the Swades on Happy Days. Janet Jackson, different strokes.
Oh, yeah.
From different strokes on.
Then she kind of lost me, you know, when she got in uniform with Rhythm Nation.
And when she came out with the tank top and she was mushing the titties together, I was like, I like this.
I think I'm going gonna get this album.
It's got a lot of levels to me, Esther.
All right, well that's the podcast, everybody.
Check it out on Apple.
Drugstore June, starring the wonderful Esther Prawitzky.
Thank you so much for watching.
Enjoy the music, and we'll have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And not knowing how to cry You taught me that
And I'll remember The strength that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own I'll remember the way that you saved me.
I'll remember.
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from
Monday, March 14th, 2016.
How you doing?
How's it going?
How are you?
Oh, look at you.
Wow, you look great.
Did you lose a few?
Is that a new blouse?
What did you do?
You did something different.
Is there anything worse than watching somebody do that?
You know, coming up and they take the two women meet, right?
And they grab each other by both hands, right?
And then they look at you and they fucking hold their hands out.
I think I've talked about this before.
Look at you.
What are you doing?
You know, secretly hating the woman because she looks better.
You know?
Why can't you be like guys?
We just look at each other and, ah, that guy's a pussy. I don't know what I'm talking about.
Oh, Billy fucking cuisine over here.
I wanted to try to make gnocchi this week.
How are the fuck you supposed to pronounce it?
Doesn't seem too fucking hard, right?
So anyways, we got these old pants, right?
Like everything in my life, it's fucking old, right?
I'm old and everything I own is old
because I bought it when I was young.
So I guess the Teflon or whether no shit, whatever,
it had scraped off over the years and was flaking up
and somebody told my lady that it was getting in our food.
So now of course, oh my God, we got to get rid of it.
We're going to get cancer. we're eating Teflon fucking
omelets evidently I don't know I didn't taste it my fucking omelets are
rather delicious I didn't feel any you know crunchy like wait a minute what
was that was that was that onions or was that part of the frying pan? I can't tell. Hmm
It's such a similar taste
eggs and parts of the frying pan
You know, I don't know I figured you know with the amount of booze and I do whatever that
That you know Teflon that went to my system got eaten up by the fucking
My liquid diet, right? Well, whatever so now we got to go get a fucking frying pan so I go alright
You know we have one nice one, and then we had like three shit ones so the three shit ones
I guess were giving us cancer because someone who isn't a doctor saw saw the pants and told us that that was
What was what was happening so we threw those out so no
I'm sure those are gonna be fucking hit some octopus on the fucking head when they dump it into the ocean soon enough.
And now I'm going to go buy some more, right?
I already had what I needed and I throw it out.
So now I got to go buy some more, right?
Classic fucking capitalism.
That's how it works. That's how we keep it going.
That's how we keep the plates spinning.
You go out, you buy what you need, and then when you have it, you throw it out,
and then you rebuy it.
And the second people stop doing that, this whole country goes down the shitter. That's it. That's how simple it is. All these fucking stupid terrorists over there,
you know, who do think they got to come over here and bomb us. All they got to do is just,
start sending leaflets over here telling us not to buy stuff.
Hey, wait, you already own that.
You don't need to buy that.
Keep the money.
Treat yourself, put your feet up.
Don't go to the mall.
Relax.
Just send, you know, propaganda like we used to in the, in the wars, right?
We, we drop, uh, we drop little leaflets.
You know, I would love to read one of those.
Is there anything, any fucking pictures of those wartime leaflets to try to get
people like, I don't understand how the fuck you're gonna do that
Like I don't think I could ever fly over Yankee Stadium with leaflets telling people to become Red Sox fans
So like how do you during a fucking war when the country that's bombing your country is gonna send you a leaflet?
What the fuck does it say on it? Yeah. Hey, sorry about most of your relatives
Anyways, you want to come over to our site?
Sorry about most of your relatives. Anyways, you want to come over to our site?
We could get you a ham sandwich there, fucking smoky.
All right, let's see.
World War II leaflets.
Leaflet propaganda.
All right, let's read a couple of these.
Let me see if this would make you fucking switch sides.
Go from Red Sox to Yankees or fucking Dodgers to Giants or fucking Avalanche to the fucking
Red Wings or Michigan to Ohio or Alabama to Auburn or Denver, California, you get it.
All right.
Oh, Jesus Christ. Look at this one. Why are you Germans still fighting?
Now, that's no way to get the reader.
The question is extremely difficult to answer.
Did they understand that these people spoke German?
You're going to write it?
This is almost over my head and I speak the fucking language.
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting?
Why are you Germans still fighting? Why are you Germans still fighting? Why are you Germans still fighting? Why are you Germans still fighting? Why are you Germans still fighting? Spoke German you're gonna write it This is almost over my head and I speak the fucking language
Why are you German still fighting on to fire you Germany still fighting the Fuhrer blue is fucking brains out next to with six
Of a check there the question is extremely difficult to answer in fact. There is no reasonable answer to it at all
You go on fighting although you cannot I
Should really fucking click on the page here so I can read this a little bigger. Oh, and then it always disappears. Doesn't it always disappear? You just click on it. Where
did it go? Okay, there we go. All right. You go on fighting, although you cannot help but
realize that Germany is losing the war. Wow. Jesus.
This would make me one of you. Yeah.
Fuck these fucking assholes.
Uh, you go on fighting, although you know that every day which the war still
lasts means new destruction to your homeland, new danger and new hardships to
your family, you go on fighting, although it is clear that the only people
interested in the pro prolong gation of the war are the party leaders who want
to delay at any price the consequences which the Nazi defeat is inevitably going to have
for them personally.
In other words, we're going to hang them.
Remember that your dear ones want you back alive. Remember also that there is only one safe way home.
The way through allied captivity.
You know, we had a lot of balls dropping these after we were fire bombing fucking cities, huh?
Yeah, you know, I know we just burned your whole fucking city to the ground and evidently you didn't die screaming in agony.
The only way for you to avoid that is to become our prisoner.
According to the Geneva Conventions, which has been recognized by Brazil, you will have the
following privileges in allied captivity.
Jesus, this is the classic checks in the fucking mail.
You will be removed immediately from the battle zone.
You will get the same food as allied troops.
If sick, sick, you will be treated in the same hospitals as our soldiers.
And after the end of the war, you will go home as soon as possible.
Well, that's pretty vague.
As soon as we decide when you can fucking leave.
Did anybody believe a word of that I didn't I wouldn't do that
You know what the fuck you want these fucking guys are doing they want us to surrender because they don't want us to kill more
Them they're just gonna fucking kill us
Oh, yeah, he speaks the truth
That was me in a foxhole the Boston accent talking to somebody who sounds like Hans in
France.
How'd you like that?
You didn't think that was coming on the old podcast there, did you?
The fuck did I start talking about World War II leaflets?
I was talking about buying a frying pan.
Oh yeah, so I get down the street.
Oh, driving down the old road there.
Okay, it's a Sunday evening.
I'm like, you know what?
I'm going to knock this shit out before Monday comes around and all these assholes have to
go to work.
You know what I mean?
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's an election year.
All these hard work at Joe six packs.
They put that pants on one leg at a time.
Um, anybody who's in my way is an ass.
They're a cunt.
Okay.
And I wish I was more enlightened to realize that I'm just impatient but that's
You know, it hasn't happened yet. So anyway, so I'm driving down the fucking road cruising along
You know and all of a sudden, you know, they're doing road construction and it's just this massive fucking traffic jam and
I knew I had to do the podcast tonight because I'm doing some bullshit tomorrow morning
And I'm just like it can you can this fucking city can it just ever give you a fucking break? You know?
I gotta tell you something all this shit when they talk about New York you know
if I can make it there I can make it anyway all that shit you know they're always blowing New
York about how fucking difficult it is I gotta tell you okay as an outsider from
Massachusetts I've lived in both places New York has definitely has its way of grinding you down, but there is no
place like fucking Los Angeles, dude.
This, this fucking city is, it's just, it's brutal.
It just fucking, it never, never lets up, you know?
And then the whole time you're just baking in the sun of the exact same
weather every fucking day.
And everybody on the East coast comes out and says, oh, I'm never lets up, you know, and then the whole time you're just baking in the sun
of the exact same weather every fucking day.
And everybody in the East coast comes out here and they're like here for five,
six days. Oh my God, this is great. This is great. Yeah, it is great for six days.
It's fucking great. But every day waking up that fucking sun, sun sign sun,
burning down on your fucking head. I'm telling you this fucking place.
And you combine that with being in this business. I'm telling you this fucking place and you combine that
with being in this business that I'm in trying to fucking move ahead. It is, it is brutal.
It's fucking brutal and all that shit, you know, I can't tell you how many fucking New
York comedians have moved out here and then move back. I moved back. First time I came
out here. I couldn't take it. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm telling
you. They're always so, Oh, you know, New York is so fucking real.
Oh, fuck you. Fuck you.
Bullshit. You couldn't take it.
You couldn't take it, and you wanted to move back to your familiar surroundings
to only be 20 minutes away from your grandmother's special sauce.
That's why the fuck you moved back.
All right?
You dumb fucking leather coat.
Look, the pizza sucks out here. You know,
I'm telling you, if I had to vote, which is a tougher city to live in, I would definitely say,
yeah, Los Angeles over New York. It is fucking, you know, it's fucking catches on fire out here.
There's mudslides, there's fucking earthquakes. You know?
In New York, what's great about,
I'm just talking basically trying to make it in show business.
To live in New York in show business,
what is great about it is,
is you can get on the subway
and stand amongst a bunch of regular people.
Real people, right?
And then you get to feel this feeling that you're real.
That you're not this big showbiz
fucking phony who wants their own goddamn TV show.
Yeah, New York, it's so fucking real.
Look at that chair.
Look how real that fucking chair is, right?
I just think because everybody's all mixed into fucking gather.
You ride in the subway that these New York showbiz people, they just automatically think
that they're, everybody here is all plastic and phony because you come out to LA and the whole place looks like a
fucking movie set. You sit there, you'd ride on the subway and you sit next to some fucking,
I don't know, some construction worker, union guy with this hard hat getting ready and you start,
yeah, yeah, I'm one of these guys. No, no, you're not. You're in show business. You're a big fucking
phony. You're on your way to puppeteer school or whatever the fuck it is you're doing.
You're a little song and dance because you don't want to have a job.
Sorry.
I shouldn't have said all that shit, but you know, I really shouldn't have said
that having seen all the bullshit that I've seen, like, you know, uh, Bernie
Sanders talking about, uh, I don't know what the fuck he was talking about.
Like, I don't think it's, you know, a good way to try to bring black and white
people together by talking about how white people have never lived in a ghetto because
automatically you're just going to put them into a defensive posture where they're going
to, they're going to sit there and think about all the shit that they've gone through.
And then they get, and then they're going to get upset. You know what I mean? Um, I don't, generally speaking, white people do not live in ghettos.
Although I think other races of people do not live in the middle of fucking nowhere off of the Appalachian Trail.
You know, washing their clothes in a fucking bathtub, sharing a pair of shoes.
Some of that fucking horrific poverty that I've seen, that most of these fucking politicians will never see.
I don't think.
It's one of these fucking politicians.
They should go on the road and open for a fucking comedian who's traveling to all these
different things.
You will see shit you can't fucking believe.
You'll see levels of poverty you can't fucking believe exist in this country.
I don't want to name cities, but there's some places down south. Jesus Christ
I'm on one time. I drove from Indianapolis to Nashville and there was some place in southern, Kentucky
I was running out of gas and I pulled over and the fucking humanity
my god, I
Swear to God there was something in the fucking drinking water. I've never seen it. It was just like, how do I describe these people without just absolutely insulting them?
Um, I don't know.
It was just like, uh, you know, when somebody's like so dumb, you get nervous.
You know, they start talking to you and they're looking at you and there, you're,
you can tell they're just smart enough that they know that you think that they're dumb and you're
trying not to give it away.
You know, so you just kind of put your eyebrows up like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
You try to get out of the conversation.
Yeah.
It was like an entire gas station of that.
Even the person running the gas station.
Um, and this was off a major highway.
You know, there was a subway, you know, you know, when you're driving the
middle of nowhere, you don't ever go into just some fucking, you know, mom and
pop place, you don't want to do that.
What you do is you stay, you stay brand loyal.
You pull into the McDonald's, right?
You get gas at the fucking.
So no go or whatever you keep it fucking.
Yeah.
You want to get breakfast.
Let's you want to try the mom and fucking pot place where everyone's
going to fucking turn around and look at you?
Are we going to Denny's?
You know?
Anyways, I really should be talking about politics because I literally
do not watch any of it.
I know it was all that bullshit with Trump.
I don't understand why people won't let Trump speak and how you feel that that's
going to derail his campaign.
I think if anything, it'll just strengthen it.
I'm sure there's probably plenty of Trump people that don't like what Bernie
Sanders or Hillary's saying.
They're not going in there and literally disrupting the whole fucking thing.
Right?
I don't know.
Just seems stupid to me.
He's, he's a fucking reality TV show star.
Just let the guy talk.
Gives a shit.
He's not really saying anything.
He's appealing to some people.
Who the fuck votes in a primary anyways.
Aren't you guys like me?
I vote once every fucking four years.
I hate to say it, but I do.
I vote once I vote for president. That's who I vote for and I always vote for the fucking
third party person.
Although I don't know about Bernie Sanders. I don't know if I'm gonna fucking vote for this guy.
I'm just sick of, you know, hey, you know, we're gonna take all the money from fucking these ten people
and give it to all you guys because all you guys deserve it, right?
None of you guys are lazy cunts who don't want to pull their own weight.
You're all angels.
You're angels and everybody up there is devils.
Right?
That dumb shit.
It's just as extreme.
It's fucking Donald Trump to the left.
I can't listen to any of it.
And then sitting right in the fucking middle drafting behind both them, is old fucking squarehead herself, Hillary Clinton.
She's gonna fuck, she's gonna go right in underneath.
Right in underneath.
She's gonna get in there,
and you're gonna have to listen to that fucking
busted trumpet for fucking the next four years.
Ah, ah, ah, ah!
Fucking filthy, filthy family.
I don't like any of them, all three of them. You know what? You ever see on the Donald Trump show Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I do not watch the debates. All right. So, you know, I'm standing on firm ground here.
Such a dope.
Hey, you know what I did do?
Um, God knows it wasn't read something.
Uh, I, um, I watched on Netflix. I watched that Ukraine documentary, uh, winter on fire.
It, um, you know, it was just one of those things where I was just like,
Jesus Christ, I knew I wasn't politically active, but watching what these people
did, what they turned around, I'll try to give you a simple version of what happened,
which, you know, with my brain, that's all you're going to get is basically what
happened, I guess around 2003, 2004.
There was some fucking Russian dude, pro-Russian dude, he claimed that he won the fucking election
and they're like, no, you didn't, you piece of shit, you rigged it and they proved it
and he got bounced.
Well, in 2009, the same dude comes back and guess what?
He wins the election.
Like that wasn't corrupt.
So anyways, the Ukraine has a chance to join the European Union, right?
To start being more like a European country and for once and for all, get out
from underneath whatever you call, whatever Russia has, a dictatorship.
So the fucking Russian dude who allegedly got elected legitimately, you know, listens to the people and they say
that that's what we want to do.
We don't want to take a step towards Russia.
We want to become part of the European Union.
We want to have a future here.
Like what we see going on in Western Europe.
And all of the fucking politicians go, you got it.
All right.
The people have spoken.
We're going to do what you said.
And what do you think happened? Right in the midnight hour, they gave me all right there, Fred.
They're like, yeah, you know what? We're not signing that.
And we're going to go hang out with old Vladdy Daddy over there, Putin.
Let him hear Putin and we're going to fucking shoot 18 holes of golf with him.
And we're going to sell out your country to the Russkies.
So started off this whole revolution.
I'm not going to say what the fuck.
I mean, you got to watch it.
It's unbelievable, but, um, you know, I mean, it's not like it's not in the news.
I mean, they ended up winning.
They somehow ended up winning and these fucking people had no weapons.
They were just getting shot at.
What, what I don't understand.
I mean, I do understand it, but I, I, there's no place in the
world where you can protest.
You can't do it.
You protest, cops show up and they beat the fuck out of you until you go home.
And they arrest a few.
And then that's it.
Every what happens in this country, this country with all it's home with a free
home with a brave freedom of speech.
You know, those fucking. Occupy Wall Street people, right?
They come down there, they beat the fuck out of them.
Everybody knows the old trick.
The same shit that they were claiming they did in the Ukraine, where basically
when you have a peaceful demonstration, it's like, well, fuck, we can't beat
the fuck out of them, what should we do?
They hire a couple of people to go down there and pretend to be the protesters they throw a couple of fucking rocks and then
the cops go nuts and then on the news they're like the protesters started
attacking the police you know the police were just doing their job but blah blah
blah the police's job is to go down there and beat the fuck out of them all
right isn't it isn't that what it is Jesus Christ Bill I don't know Bill what
what do you know I don't know that's. What do you know? I don't know.
That's kind of what I got out of it. I got out of it that it was an amazing documentary that these people actually
with basically no fucking weapons
and just, you know,
died, lost their eyes, had all these horrific fucking injuries, got kidnapped, disappeared, all of this horrific shit
and they were able to, um, hold them off for a while.
So then the fucking Russian guy ends up having to leave, right?
He fucking leaves and then the, Hey, we did it.
He's a jolly good fellow.
It's all fucking over.
And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, this other revolution starts of people who are
pro-Russia.
So once again, all they did was they just had Russian troops pretend to be Ukrainians
and say, wait a minute, we don't want to be free.
We want to be oppressed, right?
So now I guess they've got to fight that thing. And since the documentary had been made, like 6,000 Ukrainian people died.
But, um, well, I don't understand why, uh, if you just look at the United States of
America, the amount of money you can still make, if you're up on top, the amount of
taxes you can get out of paying, the amount of perks
that you can fucking have and just pass it on to the middle class.
I don't understand why Russia still does the whole fucking dictator thing or why any country
does.
Just set it up the way we set it up.
You pretend that people, you give them, you let them be as free as they can be.
You know, you do the whole rhetoric, you know, but
basically there is still a ruling class and you don't have to pay your fair share and all that fucking shit.
It works out and we know you're doing it, but as long as you know, you let us drive down the street in a convertible,
you know,
listening to some tunes, man!
I mean, somebody's got to run it.
I don't want to fucking do that shit.
You know?
All of a sudden make decisions?
I don't even like running my own website.
There's no fucking way I could be sitting there making decisions for a whole goddamn country.
I don't want to do that.
You know, what uh, what is that like?
Every fucking day waking up.
Another goddamn problem.
That's why you can't have a dictator. That's why they're all so brutally mean.
After a while they just get sick of answering questions.
What's the problem? Where? Just fucking shoot them. Alright? I don't care.
I said fucking shoot them! I'll arrest them! Put them in jail!
Fuck, I gotta do everything around here? I said fucking show them all, arrest them, put them in jail.
Fuck, I got to do everything around here.
Sick of hearing about it.
Um, anyways, so if you get a chance, I'll try to say is if you get a chance, check out, uh, Ukraine winter on fire.
And, um, I don't know.
I, I should really start paying attention to politics more, but I, I just think it's all bullshit. I can't know. I should really start paying attention to politics more, but I just think it's all bullshit.
I can't sit there and listen to it.
I start screaming at the fucking TV and I get all fucking upset.
So why would I do that?
And then I end up with three fucking options, none of which I want.
You know, I do have to tell you, watch an old fat boy there from New Jersey.
Jesus Christ.
The look on his face when he was fucking listening to Donald Trump.
That was the funniest fucking shit ever.
That looked like a shotgun wedding.
And all he was thinking is how the fuck do I get myself into this?
How do I get out of this?
You know
Jesus Christ How much did he fucking binge eat that night?
Poor guy. That's really bad. It's gotta be you know what sucks about being fat is people just know it
You know you can't hide that shit and just boom. They just fucking right on it
You know what me? Oh, I guess me. I'm a bald-headed motherfucker, so I got that now when I was younger
Well, then I had orange hair.
Orange then turned red.
Yeah, you know, I kind of got shit the whole time,
you know, if I really look back at it.
All right, save you just some regular brown hair, brunette, fucking, you know.
I'm just, you know, when you think about Chinese people, right,
because they don't they are there any redheaded, like naturally redheaded,
naturally aspirated Chinese people? Hang? Because they don't they are there any redheaded like naturally redheaded naturally aspirated
Chinese people?
Hang on a second here.
Natural redhead Chinese.
Nine natural redheads from different backgrounds.
The forever war.
Why a Chinese girl has red hair. Well because there was a fucking military base nearby, I would think.
All right, the forever war, why a Chinese girl has red hair.
When you zoom out of history to the level where empires rise and fall and people migrate,
conquer, collapse, and absorb and disappear, you find that the story is always the same.
That the what? and absorb and disappear, you find that the story is always the same. That...
What?
The tall stock? Thai stock?
The original stock is light, non-black hair, non-brown eyes, fair skin.
Wait, am I on a racist website?
What the fuck am I reading here?
What the fuck am I reading here? Um, the others are darker, the others are weaker, but breed faster.
Oh, there we go!
I saw the red flags!
The fuck is the name of this website?
Koanic Soul, Life to the Neanderthal, Death to the Void, Christus Rex, The Forever War,
Why a Chinese girl has red hair
oh god fucking internet is amazing I just the fact that he's kids every
including me just bunch of fucking dopes why are blonde and red hair colors not
seen can an Asian and a natural redhead have a redheaded Asian? Look at this shit. The redheaded Chinese girl.
Asian red hair on Pinterest.
The world's first Asian redhead.
So I'm going to go out on my limb and say that they don't have any blondes or any of that type of shit.
So I was just thinking, do you think that people get less shit?
Like what do you get bullied for in China?
Oh God, please let there be some fucking native Chinese people listen to this.
Give me the top fucking 10 reasons that Chinese people get bullied in China.
It's probably the usual shit, economic.
It's going to be looks, right?
There's always going to be better looking, mediocre, and then there's always going to
be some poor bastard coming down the street.
Something fucking happened.
I don't know.
Something's going on with his nose, his fucking ears.
The kids, they'll find something.
But you would think if everybody just had the fucking jet black hair, and maybe I'm
more overly sensitive to this because I just came in the world with a the world with a bullseye right right there there you go what the
fuck is that get it right this has been a fucking crazy podcast huh and I don't
have any advertising yet I this is usually the time that I tap out and I
start fucking reading but it hasn't come in yet. It has not come in yet. Let me see. I'll look it up right now.
See if I got it. Why do I always have 50 fucking windows open? No, I got a French
book here that I was reading. I wasn't reading. I was listening to it. It was a
book, something about a wolf that wanted to change its colors I've gone 15 or 16 straight days
on Duolingo asked me to say something in French I can't really but you know
what I can read it pretty well for I know that that means for children poor
on falls children all right what am I doing I'm completely losing my train of
thought here.
Oh, fuck, here's something. Here's a window. This is the amount of shit I look up. One window, I have French school books. All right. And then the next window, I have Critical Engine
opened up on Wikipedia. I was talking to Paul Verzi because we're doing this tour. And I was
saying like, all right, these are going to be like four or five hour drives or we could rent a small plane, but it's going to
be maybe two, two, and Paul's me like, I don't like, I don't like small planes.
Starts freaking the fuck out, right?
Like small planes thinking it's like a Chevy Chevette.
It's a piece of shit.
Like it's not, it's going to die.
And I was saying like, dude, there's going to be a dual engine.
We're going to be fucking fine.
Um, you got two engines.
I mean, the odds of them both fucking failing at the same time and one of them can still fly the plane
you're fine this is what I believed but then I started looking it up because I
was trying to give him some information I was saying like look I mean I don't
100% know this ship this is what I've basically been told and I started
looking it up and evidently one engine for the most part is more critical than the other.
And also when one engine goes out, it isn't like he just keep flying it normally.
Well, you know, we still got one.
We're good.
Like that, obviously, you know, it fucks with the not the balance.
What would it be?
I don't know how to say it scientifically.
It's not a jet engine.
So there's no like thrust is there.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Can you believe I have a pilot's license?
Fucking unbelievable.
All right.
Um, let's read this here.
Uh, the critical engine of a multi-engine fixed wing aircraft is the engines whose
failure would most adversely affect the performance or handling abilities of an
aircraft on propeller aircraft.
There is a difference in the remaining yawing and that's just the nose going
right to left moments after failure of the left or the right outboard engine.
When all propellers rotate in the same direction due to the P factor.
And I was like, what the fuck is the P factor?
It has something to do with like when you're flying straight and level flight.
Okay. Your propeller blades are, um, you know, they're, they're, you have the angle of attack with the wind.
It's basically coming straight, you're perpendicular to the angle of attack of the wind.
That way you are getting the most bang for your buck with, for the work that the engine
is doing with the propellers.
But the more you angle nose up or nose down, the more the wind, the way it's
hitting it affects the performance is what I sort of believe I got all this
mumbo jumbo in my fucking head.
I have no idea, but I had no, I, so I started reading more about this and
there's all these fucking debates.
You know, I was always of the belief that if you had two engines, if you could
afford two engines, you buy that fucking airplane because you know, the engines
run independently, so you got two fucking engines.
What are the odds of both of them?
One fails and then the other one fucking fails, you know, but it's, it's,
it's got to be almost zero.
However, there's all these, you know something, I started to read about it and there was all
these debates where at first it was obviously believed that yeah, more engines is better,
is safer.
And then somewhere along the line, somebody did a study and saw that more fatal accidents
happened in dual engine aircraft and people were
going like, oh and then it's so maybe a single is better and then that person
came back was like, no you weren't hearing what I was trying to say. I was
actually saying it was safe and then it doubled back on itself and I have no
fucking clue what is safe. But what I did learn in it in a very layman kind of
way was I had no idea that, I mean it
does make sense if you just have one side working, you know, that it would be sort of
pulling that side along of the aircraft more so than the other one causing the other one
to drag and you'd have to, I don't know, crab your way into the fucking wind.
I have no idea.
But all I know is I was reading it says if one of your engines dies and the other one's still going, you obviously have a much, they said a much better chance of making it to the airport.
They didn't say you would make it though.
And here's my question to anybody out there who might know this shit.
On your average twin engine airplane, can both engines independently fly the airplane?
You know what I mean?
With one quit, do they both have the ability to
basically have you flying fast enough
where you can still maintain lift?
You know? Because then I was then thinking like, okay, well, if they went
from one to two engines, you know, you're adding more weight to the aircraft.
Well, I guess you'd build a bigger fucking plane.
Sorry, I'm trying to do this math in my head.
You build a bigger fucking plane.
But my thing is, is do they then go all because of uncertain aircraft,
because it's a cheaper twin engine,
it's that both engines in unison have enough power
so you can maintain lift, but if you lose one of them,
the other one can't still give you the 100%
of the lift that you need.
You actually only have like 60%
if you still have the critical engine,
or only 40% if the critical one goes out. Like I no idea how that works all I know is it scared the fuck
out of me that's all I could tell you all right isn't it amazing the amount
of topics I can talk about that I have no fucking idea it's incredible we're
gonna be doing some more here in the last half hour of this podcast I guess
now I'm just gonna say that I'm gonna stop here and read some advertising. I don't have it, but you're going to hear it now because
you're listening to this in the fucking future. And there you go. Back to the podcast, you
cunts. In the future. All right. Oh, I didn't even finish the fucking... I'm back. We're
back after the advertising. We are back, I guess. Did I read it? Did I sound good? How much did I stumble?
I never even finished the frying pan story. So I get all the way down to the fucking frying pan thing,
all right? And we already have like the regular, whatever, 10-inch one. So I want to buy the 8-inch
one that matches. And of course, the only way to do that is to have to buy the whole fucking set.
You know? I was just like, you know what know what fuck you and I bought one of
those little pasta cutter things and that was it I fucking left I cook for
the life me could understand one of them was 995 the other one was 21 bucks and I
sat there for 10 minutes holding both of them trying to see like there's a handle
better how was this one more than twice the price I don't know Bill why would
you think it's interesting to us I don't know trying Bill. Why would you think it's interesting to us? I don't know.
I'm trying to fill up a fucking hour here.
By the way, by the way, I got some, I do have some dates and I will never again announce
cities that I'm saying, you know, we're working on it.
I'm never going to do that again.
Like I said with, I said with Buffalo and fucking Syracuse because that hasn't worked
out yet.
Now everybody's like, dude, what the fuck? You said you were coming there.
I shouldn't open my big yap. All right. Um, I am coming to Albany.
I do know that. So people in Buffalo like, dude,
that's like a four hour fucking drive. I know, I know I'm sorry. All right.
I'll, I'll, I'll figure something out. All right, here we go.
On March 25th, I'm in Riverside, California.
Riverside, which I believe is the beginning
of the Inland Empire, or maybe it isn't, I have no idea.
On the 26th, I'm at the Terrace Theater
in Long Beach, California.
Unbelievable, honored to be playing the place.
That is the place where Richard Pryor taped live in concert, where he had the red shirt,
the black pants and the silver shoes.
I will be standing on that stage.
I'm sure they redid it since he's been there, you know, so I won't be standing on the exact
same floorboards, but I will be within the same structure.
I will be standing in the same place where he did stand-up comedy.
To me, the greatest stand standup comedian of all time.
On the 22nd of April, I will be in St. Louis.
On the 24th, here's a great one.
I will be in Iowa, in Ames, Iowa.
22nd, St. Louis, Missouri.
And the 24th, I'll be in Ames, Iowa. 22nd St. Louis, Missouri and the 24th will be in Ames, Iowa. I have not
been in Iowa since I did the Rich Bitch Tour way back in 2004. Speaking of which,
did anybody think one of the guys that did the tour with Don L Rawlings, did you
see that TMZ video? The guy's getting breakfast. He's got a $12 check. He goes
outside to have a cigarette. He leaves his bag inside and all of a sudden they came running out in Philly screaming and I'm thinking he was dining
and dashing or chewing and screwing, dude, as we used to call it in Boston. You know what I mean?
Fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable. He ends up getting in a big fucking fight and all that shit.
He's got his bag inside. They won't give it to him. Um, according to this shit that I read, I was just fucking unbelievable.
I can tell you that as a white guy, that would not happen to me.
That would not happen to me.
Um, that, that was, that was fucked up.
Definitely fucked up.
And, uh, you know what?
It didn't happen in Boston.
All right.
All you fucking haters that happened in Philly.
See it's all around.
Um, you know,
it was funny. Donnell threw that punch and the dude caught it.
The next time I see him, I'm going to tease him about that.
I wouldn't do it now because it's fucking fresh and it was bullshit.
I can, I can definitely tell you as a white dude, uh, that, yeah,
that not would not have happened.
I mean, that's a complete racial profiling incident.
But it was that fucking dude leaned back and just caught it.
You know?
You ever see a pitcher?
Just catch a fucking one that comes right back to the mound.
He did that but with Don L's fist.
Anyways, plow it ahead.
May 7th, Orlando, Florida.
May 8th, I'll be in Jacksonville, Florida.
And Cleo, what are you staring at me for?
What's the matter?
I already gave you F-O-O-D, so don't even
look at me like that.
I already took you out.
What, you just want attention, buddy?
You getting lonely over there?
Huh?
All right, fucking dog is so needy. All right, Portland, May, June 4th
2016 I'll be there And I also know I in the early April I got a bunch of Canadian dates
They're all up on my website billbird.com
So anyway speaking of dogs April, I got a bunch of Canadian dates. Um, they're all up on my website, billbird.com.
Um, so anyway, speaking of dogs, I kind of tweeted about this shit where, um,
you know what the fucking dog I have the biggest problem with like their owners never have them under control.
I'm not blaming the breed here, but there's just something about the
fucking the owners and how hyper the dog is, is those fucking giant poodles.
There was another one today. I was at the supermarket,
this person had tied it up outside,
and it's just literally outside the fucking supermarket the whole time.
Row, row, row, row, row, row, row.
I just would not stop, sorry I get my dog all amped up.
Those fucking dogs are insane.
I don't know what the deal is with them.
I think they're like, they're kind of like Greyhounds.
I really just think you need to run them around a fucking track for an hour every day just
to get them to get it out of their system.
But they got like that perm going on, so I don't think anybody really thinks it's an
issue.
Cleo, what are you doing?
You're going to distract me on the podcast.
You can't be this adorable right now.
Okay, for those of you who don't know anything about pit bulls, they are like the most needy,
fucking like love bugs.
They're ridiculous.
Like she just wants to crawl up here and fucking put her head in my lap and go to sleep.
You know what I mean?
She's not over in the corner fucking doing some prison workout, thinking about people
she wants to kill.
Isn't that right, buddy?
Now that I've stereotyped giant poodles, I'm going to try to undo the damage with pitbulls.
Who's getting who?
My dog would try to rip your face off if you came into the fucking house.
She fucking barked at a guy yesterday and I actually loved every second of it.
I was sitting in my Prius on these mean streets of Los Angeles, downtown Hollywood, and, uh,
some fucking degenerate came up to the window and, uh, I don't know what the fuck he's asking
for money or booze or some shit.
Uh, and my dog just fucking flipped out, flipped out and the guy jumped back
and everything was great.
It was like having my own security.
Um, and the guy was such a fucking Alki.
He backed up off the car and then still mimed like I'm, I want to drink.
I'm trying to get some money for drinks.
I just, you know, I told him to beat it. Every once in a while I tell him to beat it, you know. There was a one-legged homeless guy and he seemed like he was sane and he was talking to
himself. Maybe he was a little crazy, but I would be talking to myself too if I had one fucking leg
standing next to a stop sign, right? What else are you going to do? There's nobody else there.
So him I gave money to. And I was actually joking to myself when I gave him the money and I drove away.
I go, all right, there's, there's my good deed for the day. Hey,
let's go hit a rub and tongue.
Rub and tug. I can't believe fucking people go to those places, man.
Don't you worry that the cops are going to show up any second. You know,
you're lying there with the fucking Woody, right?
With a little fucking Woodrow Wilson, right?
Some girl fucking giving you a little handy and all of a sudden, everybody get down on the ground!
You know, you're like, ah shit, right? And what are you going to do?
Say it was legal, you know, to will that heart on to go away before that fucking dude comes in and sees you with half a stiffy?
You know? I swear to God, it hangs like that!
I was in here, I had a problem with my shoulder, man!
They're gonna arrest you, cause you're fucking...
half naked.
Bring you down to the jail, you're already ready to get fucked.
You don't even have any clothes on.
You got oil all over your body, the fuck is wrong with you?
So anyways, June 5th I'll be in Albany, New York and June 17th, I'll be in New
York, Newark fucking New Jersey at the, uh, New Jersey fucking performance arts
center for the, uh, the fucking cocksuckers there.
Um, you know, really made me happy the other day.
I was watching the, uh, NHL channel.
Obviously they were talking about how the Bruins could potentially get
the number one seed in the East.
I'm fucking believable.
The job that Claude Julian has done.
And I'll tell you something right now, Dan Shaughnessy, you remember last year
when you were calling for his fucking head and saying, maybe he stayed here too long.
You won't want to know.
And you should write an apology article.
Unbelievable how these fucking sports writers,
because they got nothing else to write,
will try to run out of town a fucking coach
who brings us our first Stanley Cup in almost 40 fucking years.
Why would you do that?
Jesus fucking Christ, why would you do that?
All right, let's read some of the questions here for this week.
Oh, we got an update.
I love when there's an update.
Remember last week, the granny fucking water.
Remember that story?
All right, here we got an update.
Hey there, old Billy fucking water.
I got an update for you on this one.
Uh, the story has good news and bad news.
All right.
So last, last week, for those of you who didn't listen, I'll give you a little update for you on this one. The story has good news and bad news. All right, so last
week, for those of you who didn't listen, I'll give you a little recap. There was some
kid, you know, he was, he's basically, he's engaged, he's getting married in six weeks,
so he's over his fiance's house, his future in-law's house, her fucking parents. That's
all I'm trying to say, right? So they're playing some card game and evidently
they're down to the final hand and he has, the card's called Granny Water. I don't know
what the game is or whatever. Some people sent me pictures of the card. The game does
exist but it's a really high point card or whatever. And he was laying down, fuck I'm
yawning, sorry. He was laying down his card last. Basically when he laid it down he was laying down, fuck I'm yawning. Sorry. He was laying down his card last.
And basically when he laid it down, he was going to do the old fucking right
there, Fred, I won the game and, uh, he had the granny water card.
And I guess in the end of the game, it's probably you get it, you hold onto it
and you played at a crucial point.
So everybody's sitting there as everybody's laying the cards down, waiting
to see who's going to fucking lay it down.
So this kid fucking finally his turn.
He lays it down to be like, you know, like hitting the last second three on just one.
And because he listens to the podcast, instead of saying, I got the granny water card,
he goes, he goes, look, he goes, it's all fucking grant.
Now he goes, it's granny fucking water.
And just screamed it To his in-laws
Okay, who never heard this guy curse before and do not listen to this podcast. So they just stared at him like
What what was that? What is my daughter marrying?
Like he just completely screwed the whole fucking thing up. So he's asking me for advice
Should he bring it up? Should he not bring it up? All right. Now you guys are caught up. Here you go
He says the story has good news and bad news. The good news is my fiance's
parents were super cool about the whole thing. Super duper. I bit the bullet and waited until
we went over for game night again last night. I apologized, course and they said they initially just thought
why am I yelling like this fuck. They initially thought it was really odd for
me to yell like that without knowing without them knowing the context but
once it was explained my fiance texted them about it it was no big deal. It was
a huge relief we played the game again. And every time someone played
that card, they did the whole granny water thing minus the fucking in the middle. Okay,
cool. He goes, so my embarrassment will be immortalized. The bad news is that I mentioned
that you read the letter on the podcast. Oh, no. You know what? You're one of those guys dude. You just like, you just
like stepping and shit. He goes, naturally they wanted to listen to it. I thought it
wasn't a big deal because they lived through the story and your commentary was hilarious.
I warned them about the explicit nature of your podcast and that there were plenty of
fucks throughout. The fact that you did the granny water thing before it was even brought up
was perfect.
Everyone thought the story was hilarious. That is until the PS,
if you recall, I may or may have not called Hillary Clinton a cunt.
Jesus, that's right. You did.
He goes, yeah, I know I'm a dumb ass bill.
My fiance just turned to me and said, did you write that?
Uh, he said, my fiance turned to me and said, did you write that
with that look on her face?
I knew I was fucked.
So freckles, I did the only thing I could.
I said, Oh, sorry about that. I didn't
write it. Bill's email screener guy did. Andrew did. He picks the emails each week, then writes
the little opening line, pun, and then sometimes throws in a PS to make them more entertaining.
Well, now why would you write this? Because if they listen to this, you're fucked. And you know
what, dude, I have no sympathy for you. So here we go.
He goes, they bought it so we just listened to the rest and we're laughing again by the end.
So I threw Andrew under the bus on that one.
I'm going to repeat my only good move from the last story and just shut the fuck up about it forever.
In the end, all is well. Thanks for reading it out on the podcast. It seemed to help smooth it over.
No worries. Just tell him seemed to help smooth it over. No worries.
Just tell him not to listen to this one.
He goes, by the way, I just bought tickets to your show and I'm not going to say where
the show is in case anybody's figuring out who the fuck this is.
It's the week after my wedding and my fiance slash wife by that point is coming to.
I'd love to meet you in person.
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
All right, well you know, I'll be hanging out after.
In Iowa, just scream out, oh I just said where it was.
Oh well, you fucked.
Granny water.
Scream it out and I'll fucking say hello to you.
All right, now everybody's gonna do that there.
All right, girlfriend leaving. do that there. All right girlfriend leaving
Cleo
Relax buddy
Look how cold your nose is it's usually not cold at night. You got a little gas left in the tank
Huh, you want to go? Oh, I know. Okay. I got it. I'm not gonna say the whole sentence
I will I'm gonna take you know who you know where when I'm done with this
All right
Cleo go lay down buddy
Could you please lay down? I don't have it in my heart to yell at you here all right could you lay down you fucking bastard?
Get out of here go on
Go on
Please can you lay down please?
Cleo
Yeah, yeah step on all my shit as you go over there. Just go lay down.
Jesus, dog whisperer, I am not.
Um, oh by the way, how about those fucking cunts at Wounded Warriors?
How much money did I give them? If there are actual pieces of shit over there,
and they didn't give that fucking money to wounded troops, you know?
Can I sue them to get the money back and then just give it to the fucking
people they were allegedly going to help?
I am, I am really just, I'm done.
I'm done with fucking charities.
I'm fucking done with them.
I just am, you know, I'm going Donald Trump on this one.
I've seen two or three bad ones and now I'm judging all of them.
Fuck them.
St.
Jude, I'm sticking with them. Okay. And if they end up turning, if they and now I'm judging all of them. Fuck them. St. Jude, I'm sticking with them.
Okay.
And if they end up turning, if they're bad, then fuck all of them.
I'm just doing what I, I'm doing what I did the other day.
Drove up to somebody with one leg at a stoplight observed that they weren't
fucking wasted as much as I could tell.
And there you go.
You know, even if they were, I'd be drinking too, if I had one leg, right.
Standing at a fucking stop sign.
Um, I don't know what the stop sign has to do with it.
What was the traffic like? Well, then, you know, maybe I have some yogurt.
Um, girlfriend leaving for religious mission.
Hey, Billy Ball Bag.
My girlfriend and I are both college students.
And although we haven't been together for too long, I could tell she is special in the way
when you meet the one you just know. She's the person I have, she's the best person I've ever
met. Kind, funny, intelligent, and on top of that just drop dead gorgeous. Well
Jesus, lock that down dude. If things seem to be too good to true, what? If things
seem too good to be true, Jesus Christ, I have some, I gotta have some form of fucking mild dyslexia.
Or I'm even dumber than I thought. It's a rough one.
Things seem too good to be true. They are. She's Mormon.
Oh, jeez.
And she's leaving for her mission in July. If you don't know Mormons, I don't give a shit about Mormons and just anybody who's actively
religious, you know, to the point it affects the decisions they make in life other than basic shit
like, you know, don't throw a rock at that guy because you wouldn't want him to do it to you.
You know, I'm with that. But you know, when you start forming other opinions on your fucking religion. It starts to get a little, a little, uh, Zion,
Talekrishche, Judy, Buddha, fuckingism, whatever, all of them, throw them all in one
fucking muslonium. It's a big fucking pot. You can stick it all in a fucking pot,
right? Yeah, there you go. Shove it in the microwave, all right? Turn it on and don't
shut it off. All right, she's a Mormon and she's leaving for her mission in July if
you don't know Mormons are a type of Christian I didn't know that and they
send missionaries around the world to convert people into their religion and
she's getting sent to Zimbabwe fucking Zimbabwe they leave for two years have
to pay for everything themselves and aren't allowed to contact home the entire time.
Why aren't they allowed to contact home the entire time?
That's fucking weird. If she goes, not only would that be the end of us, but it seriously hurts chances
of her future career aspiration. We both want to become doctors.
I'm an atheist, but I've recently
found myself praying to Jesus that she doesn't actually go because if and when she leaves,
that will be the end of it. I don't know what to do. Should I break things off now? Should I try
and convince her not to go? Waiting is not an option for me because we'd be completely different
people by the time she gets back. Thanks and go fuck yourself.
I don't know dude, I'm starting to think maybe she isn't the one for you.
If you're just going to, you know, if you have to debate telling her not,
should I just break it off or tell her not to go.
I mean, I think if she really loved this woman, you'd be going,
I'm just going to talk to her until I'm blue in the face
and tell her not to go.
And then even if she went, you'd be thinking like, well, maybe, you know, you'd have a
ray of light going.
Well, maybe to two years, I don't know if we agree to fucking cool it for two years.
You know, it's only two years when you look at the rest of your life, you're kind of like,
yeah, we'd be two completely different people, should I break it up now or I don't know?
Yeah, look, she wants to go to Zimbabwe to spread the fucking word of whatever the fuck
they're doing there.
Yeah, let her go.
Listen, if somebody wants to go somewhere to go do something? What are you gonna tell him not to go?
Go ahead
You know
Go ahead go go spread the fucking dumb shit
They put in your head and go go spread it on the other side of the world's poor fucking Zimbabwe people Zimbabwean people
Now you went fucking Zimbabwe, and I was assuming you meant because it's so far away. You couldn't visit her
Let's see what's going on in Zimbabwe, and I was assuming you meant because it's so far away you couldn't visit her.
Let's see what's going on in Zimbabwe right now.
Zim-bob-we.
That's exactly how it should be spelled.
Z-I-M-B-A-B-W-E.
I'd be such a great fucking speller if everything was spelled like Zimbabwe.
Zimbabwe.
Z-I-M-B-A-B-W-E.
Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe soon will be converting you to Mormon.
Do do do. You got to get two years of your life to fucking for what?
All right, Zimbabwe. Zimbabwe is a beautiful country in Southern Africa that is known for its
dramata. Wait its dramatic, wait,
wait, wait, come on.
Oh, this is the government.
This is the government website.
So this is all the propaganda here.
That's absolutely beautiful.
You have your wallet fucking taped to your chest.
No one will take it.
Everybody's wonderful down here.
Everybody's welcome.
Please come down and spend all your fucking money, you know, if you don't mind.
Zimbabwe was voted the number one place in Zimbabwe to go three years in a row.
Wow, Jesus, look at that.
Fuck that puts Niagara Falls to shame.
Holy shit.
Zimbabwe is a beautiful country in Southern Africa that is known for its dramatic landscapes, its diverse wildlife.
See cobras and tigers, and its hard-working people. Home to the great Zimbabwe monument, the mighty Victorian Falls,
and the majestic Eastern Highlands, the country also boasts
of world-class national parks in which a variety of animals,
including the Big Five, can be found.
The Big Five! What the fuck are the Big Five?
Big Five, I gotta go lying. Who's your big five? It's like the Chris Rock movie top five. Give me a big five
I'd say the big five you got to go lion
Tiger elephant doubt of doubt right
That's like Montana Brady and Johnny United's
The third one you never know, right? Whatever.
They're in everybody's top five if you know anything about football, right?
All right, Lion, Tiger, Elephant, Hippos, Rhinos, Giraffes are big.
Gorillas, some big motherfuckers.
Hang on a second.
I got to look up big five.
See, this is how you do it.
What?
You know, I'm going to get the sports club big five sporting good big five animals in Africa
all right in Africa the big five game animals are the African lion. Bang!
The African elephant.
Pow!
I like how it says African, you know, like what?
As opposed to what, the Rhode Island one?
The one at the fucking zoo?
The Cape buffalo.
Oh.
The African leopard.
Ah!
And the white slash black rhinoceros.
All right, so I got three out of right.
Is it hippo, rhino?
Well, when the fuck's the hippo?
Big Five game.
Alright, in Africa, the big five game animals are American,
okay, the lion, the elephant, the buffalo,
the leopard, and the rhinoceros.
Oh, is this the thing that dentists pay to fly over
and go fucking shoot these things?
Alright, alright, so there you go go so we learned a little something here.
That's the big five.
The largest of these are the National Park in the west and the something else Trans
Frontier Park in the south has a total area of 390.
Alright let's get to the real questions. Americans welcomed in Zimbabwe.
Did we do anything? Did the upper 1% in this country piss them off?
Alright, Americans in Zimbabwe. Da da da da da.
Are you looking for fellow Americans in Zimbabwe? No, I'm not looking for a fucking pen pal.
Six things I had wrong. This is the last thing I'll read about Zimbabwe here.
Alright, six things I had wrong about traveling to Zimbabwe. Look at those
elephants. I fucking love those things. I cannot believe people kill those things.
How could you kill an elephant? I couldn't kill any of those fucking things.
All right, the top five things. Six things I had wrong about traveling to
Zimbabwe and one I had right. Number one, Zimbabwe is dangerous. At Matador we
believe most travel advisories and American perceptions of overseas
destinations being dangerous are way overblown. I enjoy visiting the city.
The big cities
The big cities are where the most violent crime is concentrated like in the United States. It wasn't a surprise that
then that Victoria Falls as well as the couple national parks we visited felt it just about as safe and as friendly as any place can get.
In fact, Victoria Falls has such a small town feel that other journalists joked it had the vibe of US National Park in the off season.
All right, cool. Zimbabwe's wildlife has all been wiped out.
This was a big one for me. I love seeing wildlife.
This is making me want to go there.
Three, hyperinflation will make buying things a total hassle.
After seeing years of new coverage, hyperinflation, I'd have to carry around bricks of $10 billion
notes to buy a bunch of beer.
But the currency of Zimbabwe has become so worthless, they've retired it completely,
and the country now operates on a mists of foreign currency including the South
Africa okay beyond the wildlife there's not much to do or see there's rafting
bungee jumping micro light flying over victory fall fishing swimming all right
well what the fuck did you get right I'm not reading all this shit Look at this fucking video swimming in Victoria Falls get the fuck out of here
This is this thing that looks like it's bigger than Niagara Falls. No fucking way
So basically the water isn't flowing fast enough that these fucking guy... Okay, I gotta put a link to this video.
Who is the absolute fucking psycho that figured out you could do that?
Dude, if you just saw the pasty, fat fucking white dude who just jumped in there.
You know what's funny? He's there with two fucking...
Two black guys, man. It'd be funny if they grabbed him and threw him over that was for slavery but I didn't do it let me
uh all right I got a copy of that Jesus Christ what a fucking lunatic there's
no no way there's no fucking way no fucking way all right let's get back to
the the things here all right where am I all right tinder oh Billy let's get back to the things here. All right.
Where am I? All right, Tinder.
Oh, Billy, let's read some emails for the week.
I hooked up with this girl I met on Tinder.
The first in years.
I'm not a bad looking guy.
I'm not a bad looking guy.
I think I just suck at small talk over text.
Anywho, this girl is 21.
I didn't expect it to go anywhere after we matched up, but we ended up hooking up.
She's really cool.
We've hung out a few times since.
My friend and his girlfriend started saying that was gross.
I am 30 years old.
Now I know my friend is being lame because his girlfriend was there, but gross?
Not at all.
So I let them have their ignorant opinions,
then I dropped the facts on them.
She looks more like she's 24.
Dude, this really isn't helping you.
I look like I'm 25, that's also not helping you.
She took extra classes to graduate college early
and has already accepted into medical school,
still not helping you.
She speaks four languages fluently.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
She's not a dumb fuck, she knows what she's doing.
I don't mean hello and goodbye. She can carry on full-on
conversations in Mandarin, French, and Italian, as well as English, of course.
She has much better table manners than both of them. Oh, you said that? Wow. You
just torched the whole friendship. I pointed this out to my friend's
girlfriend who didn't have a napkin on her lap and her elbows were on the table
and pointed that very fact out to her as well.
Also, I mentioned that when me and this girl met for a drink, she put her napkin on her lap before
she bought her drink to her mouth, which would have hovered over her lap. Awareness levels maximum.
21, who gives a fuck? I like to think I'm right and then I made a good point but
I need the opinion of your honor Billy Burr
yeah fuck them you're 30 she's 21 who gives a shit good for you you're fucking
crushing it she's a fucking adult and she's not a dope you didn't roofie her
and they're two miserable fucks in a relationship all right we got food
coming out of the side of their mouth.
Carry on.
All right, my kid wants to play football.
Hey, Billy Belichick.
Belalick.
I'm a huge football fan.
Watch every week, yada, yada, yada.
My kid is seven and loves it too.
He plays baseball and basketball and is really fast.
We play catch with the football and the yet. And he's really really fast which has given him the desire to be a wide receiver.
Granted it's not the worst pounder you can get on the field. I don't want him
playing football. He's a great athlete but I'm not one of those delusional dads
who thinks he's going pro in whatever he does. He's not small but definitely not
the biggest of his age group. How do I not sound like a cranky old man or worried old mother and explain to him how
it's not worth it?
Should I just show him footage from a 30 for 30 to scare the shit out of him?
Oh man, dude, that is such a contemporary question, relevant question, whatever.
I would actually defer this to the internet, believe it or not, whatever, you know, um, I would actually defer this
to the internet, believe it or not.
And then you have to use your own judgment as to whether you're listening
to somebody who is informed and, or somebody who isn't, can you, can you do
like a middle ground and maybe hockey?
Maybe you can get them into hockey.
I guess you'd have to like hockey if you don't like hockey because it would have the physical
aspects of it.
But those guys don't fucking slam into each other every play.
You know what, dude?
I don't know how to bring that up.
I would just be honest with them and just say, listen, I don't want to seem like a cranky
old man.
I don't want to seem like a worried mother, like you just said, but, um, I'm really worried
about the long-term effects of you playing football.
And I would even say long-term effects, talk to them like an adult.
Just say, yeah, I, I, I am worried that, you know, you, if you get hit the wrong way, God
forbid people get paralyzed, people die.
People have fucking, don't say fucking people have brain injuries.
I would go down that road and just, I would just say to the kid.
Your concerns.
And if he really wants to fucking play, then you know, you just do what Peyton
did, you just get some Royd sent to your house, you put them in your wife's name and you get this kid, you let him do a cycle right before the season starts and you let him kick the fuck out of somebody else's kid and not yours.
Right? There you go. Okay. I'm just fucking around. Obviously the first thing I said, I would seek more information on that and figure out how you do it in the best way All right, paint my house, man
Dearest bill my house needs painting. It has about six years. It's been about six years since it's been painted
We moved in four years ago. I've painted a house before but my wife thinks I'm going to fuck it up and or it will take
Too long. You know what? I'm with her already
I've been telling her that I'll save, it'll save thousands of dollars.
She says that's not the point.
She's right. It's not entirely the point. I make good money.
I just want to paint the house.
It's my first house and I feel the need to do something to leave my mark on it.
Literally and figuratively speaking.
It'll take me about three weeks to do the whole house, not working every day,
but three, four days a week. I have a neighbor who's going to be home from college who I've
introduced to music and he's never heard... Oh, listening to music he's never heard,
so it's a great excuse to give the kid a few bucks while introducing him
to early sound garden and Jane's addiction. She started bringing things up like, well,
what if it starts raining?
She's got nothing left in this one.
I have to paint my house.
It's not a manly thing.
It's not to prove a point.
It's taking pride in ownership.
Thoughts on this?
I say you listen to your wife.
Dude, you want to do something fucking...
You finish your garage.
Do something like that.
Okay, do something in there where it's a room
that she doesn't have to fucking deal with.
Just have some pros come over there,
have them knock it out,
have them charge you through the fucking nose,
and you sit inside drinking a fucking beer, all right?
There's other shit that you can do on the house.
You know, painting a fucking house is, that's a big one, dude just paint in the fucking houses.
She, that's a big one, dude.
That is a big one.
I understand that you want to do it.
Um, but yeah, I, I'm with you wife on this one, dude.
You know, you already got a fucking job.
Okay.
You make it good money, pay somebody to do it.
All right.
There's a bunch of shit on my house that I started to do and I just started thinking,
you know what?
I'm making a good living. Fuck this.
Why don't I have a pro come over?
I can do it.
I can figure it out.
I was patching up holes in walls.
I was learning how to do that shit.
You know, I was fucking fixing the J trap under my sink and doing all of that
fucking crap, did learned all of that shit in my last apartment.
Then I got to the house and it's like, all right, well, I can do this or I can
have a pro come over here and do it and do it fucking
Right. Okay. Now I'm speaking for myself here
My house was fucking wall to wall wall floor to ceiling inside and out do it yourself fucking hacks
all right, and I
Wasn't gonna carry that fucking baton anymore everything that I have had done on my house has been done by fucking professionals and my house is as much as I bitch about it, um, it's 70%
the shit at this point.
It really is.
Once I get this garage done and then I got, you know, my kitchen's fucked up.
It don't even get me started with all the exterior doors and windows.
Okay.
And the wood rot and some of the other shit I have to deal with.
But generally speaking, like this fucking place is solid and, um, I don't know,
dude, fuck that dude. You don't go up a fucking ladder. You know what I mean?
Mixing the goddamn paint, doing all of that bullshit. Um, I would just,
I would, yeah, just, just pay for it.
Just pay for it and just say this blue is what you do. Don't just do it.
Just don't do what your wife says.
Get something out of it.
All right?
Be like, all right, you know what?
I thought about it.
I don't agree with it, but I know that you would feel better
if somebody else did it.
Okay?
So I am going to hire a professional company
to paint the house.
And she'll be like, okay, good.
And I'll be like, I'm not finished.
I'm not finished.
However, because I am doing that,
I am going to redo the garage.
And the garage is gonna be a place
where me and my friends, we play poker
and we smoke cigars once a week.
I'm gonna have my own fridge in there.
There's going to be a lock on the door
that you do not have a key for.
When you see exotic women walking in and out of that, you are not to ask
questions.
It's just understood, right?
You just say crazy shit like that, right?
Over the fucking top.
And then she's done laughing.
Then you say what the fuck you really want.
It will pale in comparison to fucking exotic women walking in and out of your
garage and you'll be fucking in.
So I would think about what else you want.
All right. And at the end of the fucking day, you're going to get something that you want and somebody
else is going to paint your house.
I think you're going to win, personally speaking.
That's what I think.
All right?
And you know what?
That's the podcast for this week, motherfuckers.
Thank you for listening, as always.
And I'm really excited about all these dates that I have coming up.
And I cannot fucking wait
to go to Iowa.
I'm so excited about St. Louis.
Some of the great fucking sports fans I've ever met in my life are in St. Louis and God
knows they got enough Budweises.
Long Beach is fucking the goddamn motherfucking Richard Pryor gig.
Riverside, California, I fucking, fucking you know when I was learning how
to fly I had to land there when I did the fucking French Valley flight had to
fly to Riverside then out to French Valley and back to Long Beach. Shit I
might fly over there that would be awesome.
Ames, Iowa obviously cannot wait to go to there. Orlando I haven't been there in a
minute. Jacksonville, Florida last time I was there I went to a gun range and shot fucking guns with silencers. You'd think I'm
not going to do that again. Portland, Maine, my old stomping grounds. Albany, New York.
Newark, New Jersey, these are all places. I love all those places. I can't wait to get
out there. I've been working my ass off on my act. If you come out, I'm going to make
you laugh your fucking ass off. Okay? So if you can make it, I would really appreciate it.
All right?
And I'm actually trying to think of a tour name.
If you can come up with a name for it, you know, because these dates, I'm in Canada,
I'm in North America, I'm in fucking, you know, well, Canada is North America.
I'm in the United States of America, right?
I'm on the East Coast.
I'm in the Midwest.
I'm in the South.
I can't think of a name for the tour.
I don't know why I have to name the tour, but my agent says I got to come up with a
name for it, so I'm thinking the checking in on your tour. I don't know why I have to name the tour, but my agent says I got to come up with a name for it, so I'm thinking the checking in on your tour. I don't know what. If you guys got on any ideas, just tweet them to me
at Bill Burr, whatever the... I don't even know what my Twitter is. You know what? I don't even know what it is.
So whatever. If you got time to look it up, send it to me if you don't. I understand. Alright, go fuck yourselves.
We'll talk to you on Thursday. To sing And I'll remember
The love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember
The way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learn to let go and travel in stillness
And I remember happiness
I remember Remember