Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-21-24
Episode Date: March 21, 2024Bill rambles with Dave Elitch about his new course 'Stay Out Of Your Own Way', musical injuries, and bruising easily. Liquid Death: Go to www.liquiddeath.com/BURR to check out all their healthy, inf...initely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer.
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All right, hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning
podcast and I'm just checking in on you personally.
It is all about you.
I'm talking to you, that one narcissist that thinks I only make this just for one person.
It's on video.
At this point, if you've been watching, if it's not just me babbling into a microphone,
if it's not audio only,
that means I have a special guest,
which this person is very special, very special to me.
Stop.
As a teacher, as a friend, as a fellow artist,
one of the coolest people I know,
an incredible drummer that has had groundbreaking
instructional videos and that type of stuff. The one and only Dave Elitch. How are you,
sir?
I'm fantastic.
I wanted to cross my leg, but I'm going to cross it the same way as you, so it doesn't feel right. Should I cross it the other way?
Anyway, Dave is here because
your first your first instructional thing was called Getting Out of Your Own Way.
Getting Out of Your Own Way.
Yeah.
Which was a massive hit.
Yeah.
Did really well.
Massive hit.
It got you out from under a lot of horrible things in the music business.
No more playing Cowboy Stadium for $75 a set.
Yeah, exactly.
And somebody's out there going,
ooh, ooh, ooh, up there with half a clam hanging out.
No more of that.
He made an instructional video.
He finally figured out how to get paid.
Exactly.
I went to go see something, I'm not gonna say who,
and I actually enjoyed the concert,
but I went to the concert and it was at an arena
and there was no band.
Wait, what are you talking about?
I went to go see a concert.
It was at a, I'm not gonna say who,
it was a great show, I don't wanna shit on anybody,
there's enough, look at that, I wore sunglasses,
now I got this fucking hack mark in my head.
Anyway, yeah, they went out there and I was thinking like alright, this is a fucking superstar artist
They're gonna have a superstar drummer. Yeah, no band like it was all on tracks is what your tracks and they sang with the tracks
They were definitely singing cuz I heard a couple of notes
Walkie went a little wonky which I appreciate. Yes! Yes.
Yes, but I was kind of like, where's the band?
Yeah, where's the, yeah, there's no there there, right?
I was a little surprised, but I also know that, you know, it's a difficult economy.
I don't know what, no, I was just like, I felt, made me feel really old.
Like everyone was kind of freaking out.
And I was just sitting there like where's the band man?
There's so many different scenarios too like that's what was so amazing about
Seeing I went to see my buddy Max play with Taylor Swift. Did you go and see that too or no?
Taylor Swift now that so far it just seemed impossible to get tickets
Yeah, like four million dollars to sit in the last row.
But I do like that she looks up at you and goes like this.
She is very good at that.
Yes.
I went in.
Actually, as far as her being a business person, she's the biggest gangster in this business.
100%.
Yeah, but not above me being fun of.
Well, what I'm saying is I went in being like, yeah, like, okay, I'll go see the show,
and I was blown away, saying for three and a half hours.
Wow. Yeah.
That's awesome.
I don't know anyone else in this business
that could do that, so that was a show
that could have had a ton of fake stuff everywhere.
All real, everyone's ripping, she was amazing,
I was like. That's awesome.
Now I feel like an asshole for saying what I said,
but that's what I do.
That's what I do here.
It was great.
All right, well, you know, maybe when the ticket prices come down to fucking...
When she comes back around, you know?
I mean, the price of a drum kit, I'm still up in the 300s.
It's like I can buy a new drum kit and play along to her songs.
I'm just glad that she's getting the money
rather than all the fucking.
Goons.
The goons, yeah, yeah, the gangsters there.
So anyway, so you made this instructional drum video
and just for people, what do they call it?
It's not a video anymore.
You could put it.
It's a course.
It's a course.
It's a course, yes.
It's a course.
Yeah. So I started taking lessons with Dave in 2015
Wow crazy. Yep, and I came in and I think I was sitting like this at the time
I'm like and I was like tink tink crack crack. I'm like does this sound good?
And you were you were positive all time. You're like yeah, man, you sound great. Let's just kind of get this shoulder down.
Yep.
And...
Let the emergency break down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I had drum breaks and they were locked up
and I was playing and I was getting hurt
and all of this stuff.
And beyond you teaching me how to play drums
when I would get physical,
I started having this sciatic nerve issue.
You introduced me to your masseuse,
the late great Diana Lyndon.
And she totally, you already turned me around
how I played and then she literally turned around
my quality of life, which I'll never be able to,
you can't, she was like beyond a masseuse,
like a Jedi masseuse is like a true healer
And for the rest of my life my quality of life is going to be 30 40 percent better
Yeah, then it would have been if if I didn't meet her and um
anyway, uh, that's why I wanted that's why I was so excited about coming on here and doing this because
You're the only person that I can really, one of a select handful of people
who was also very close with Diana as well.
And you know, like she was a very special person
and I can tell people what this course is about,
but you also were very close with her, you know?
And she was like, the only way I could describe her
is she was like the Oracle in The Matrix.
Yeah.
Yeah, she was a badass is what I liked about her.
And she would stop, she wouldn't like, if you pissed her off, she wouldn't work with
you anymore.
Yeah.
And I remember saying at her funeral that if you lined up everyone that she helped and
everyone she told to go fuck themselves, both lines would disappear over the horizon and
somebody at the funeral goes, and some people will be in both lines, which I thought was
great.
But anyway, before she passed, you know, we saw it kind of coming. Yeah.
And there was this wealth of knowledge that was going to go with her.
When you find someone like her where she didn't just go like,
I know this way of massaging, this is it.
She was a seeker.
And she, it's funny because she worked with mixed martial artists,
the Bruce Lee thing where he was,
and I just do this one style, I'm gonna take little boxing,
little Aikido, little taekwondo,
and combine it into his own style.
She did the same, am I saying, yeah, she's the Bruce Lee.
She took mixed martial arts sort of template
of not being closed off to any new style,
taking what works for you,
and she came up with her own style of healing people.
And fortunately, before she passed away, you were able to get this stuff on tape, transcribe
it and all of that. So you can get the experience that I had. You can get his first thing that
teaches you how to sit and all that. And then if you have these physical ailments.
Yeah. And it's for all musicians, not just drummers, right? because when I teach people and the more I do this stuff the more I start helping
other musicians like bass players and guitar players because these
philosophies and this conceptual approach is universal so if you're
playing guitar in a certain way you're still going to develop these fascial
adhesions that need to be broken up.
And the whole reason I made the chorus
is because every time I'd sit there and go see Diana,
we'd be talking for,
hanging out for four hours or something.
I'm like, Dye, you gotta write this stuff down.
She's like, oh, I don't want to,
just like, you know, she'd start complaining.
And you know.
ADD artists.
But when you said fascial what?
Fascial lesions, so like.
That's like when your muscles get like all,
like if you play drums or guitar or anything,
you just feel like that in here or in your neck.
They get glued together, right?
Yes, they get glued together.
So the reason why I wanted to make this
is because when people come to study with me,
and before you saw Diana,
like you go, ah, my arms hurt and my neck hurts.
And you go to the doctor and the doctor goes, yeah, OK, let's give you a shot
or let's give you surgery or let's give you pills or let's send you some physical therapy.
The arm doctor looks at your arm. Yeah.
Now, and they are physical therapists like, yeah, do five more of those.
And they're like, checked out, not paying attention. None of that shit helps. Right.
So like, well, there's good physical therapists. Yes, but they're rare. They're rare. Okay, there's good psychotherapist, but they're rare, right?
Yeah, that's what makes awesome shit awesome. He said it's rare
Exactly
Exactly and and and so the reason why I made this course is because I work with people every single day and they're like my arms
Are killing me
I got pins and needles going on no no one can tell me what's happening
And I'm like well, when was the last time you had a massage and like never and I'm just like so it's just this thing
I was like I got to do this because people need the right information
That's helpful because they keep going to doctors and then they cut them open
Exactly, and they do all of that stuff. And you don't like, I remember when I had that sciatic nerve
thing and I was telling those, you know,
I was still doing efforts for family.
I was in a writer's room.
I was around a lot of writers who sit on their ass all day,
not doing squats, not stretching like me.
And they were like, oh man, you're gonna have that
for the rest of your life and blah, blah.
And it's like, no, I'm not.
I'm gonna, you know, I'm going to this person.
That's what I'm talking about.
And I remember when I went to her, it was my left leg.
My foot was going numb when I was sitting there.
You remember that in your drum room.
So first of all, she talked to me
like for fucking an hour before we even went in there.
And you would go down to her basement apartment
in this old school like apartment,
two level apartment building.
She had the basement one that she walked downstairs into
and you were just like, am I gonna come out of here?
Out in Santa Monica.
And then when we finally went in the back room
to her table, it was, you know,
I'm thinking she's going right to the back left of my leg.
She didn't. She went right
shoulder. So her thing was like, and I asked her about that later and she goes, oh, I was on a
reconnaissance mission. I was trying to get information. So she was trying to, through,
you know, touching the different muscle stuff up here, like the sort of the exact opposite, the push-pull thing,
and seeing if I was tight there,
or if I was in pain, or what it was,
and then towards the end,
then she finally got down to business here,
and it was like a three-month thing
of getting to the end and her elbow going up here,
it was me coming off the tip,
just breaking up my whole life.
I you know I'd gotten a few massages but nothing like that and when they talk
about like you know your memories are in your body, it's not like you know what it
is, it's like it takes you back to when you hit it. Like a lot of times because
being a ginger I bruise easily, so my wife would be like, what happened?
I'd be like, I don't know.
And then I'll press it and be like,
oh, I bumped into the counter.
Cause it's like, it's like, it replays that pain.
Yeah, right.
But you just sort of plowed through it
cause you were carrying something or whatever.
Sure.
So-
The body keeps the score, right?
Yeah. So then she was able to get me out of that and beyond
that was able to you know to this day you know if I get tightness you know
playing start and playing too quick from the get-go you know I know how to kind
of get in there and do this thing and then go down like that. Exactly you have
the tools that work. Yeah and this breaks this shit up before this gets so tight that, you know, someone wants to cut open your arm.
So, I'm assuming that this is the information...
And this transcends, by the way, like being a musician.
Is this anybody who has like pain?
Chronic pain, yeah, whether you're an athlete or whatever.
So, the way that...
So basically, I got together with Diana,
we got dinner maybe 10 or 15 times,
and she would just riff and I'd type as fast as I could
trying to keep up.
And we got the maybe like a 40 page script together,
and then right as we were finishing it up,
she got sick and passed away.
And so it's broken up into
Myofascial body work like what to look for in a practitioner and how to work on yourself
right and then stretching mobility and strength training and so I ended up getting
Zamiya Cohen who was the only trainer that Diana was like, she's awesome, everyone else is an idiot. So.
I miss her so much, dude.
I know, me too.
She just, there's no quarter.
Just set it how it was and then we'd just sit there.
No, I wish I had some video of her, I know.
So I got Zamiya trained with her in real life and I got her to do the strength training stuff
because I can one of the things Diana said to me that I tell my students all the time is
She was like years ago. I would go to see her and she's like man
You got a bunch of schmutz everywhere, right? And she's like and I was like, yeah
She's like, what are you doing at the gym? And I was like, well, this and this.
She's like, look, you're amazing at improvising
on the drums.
Don't fucking improvise at the gym.
You have no idea what you're doing.
Oh God.
And I was like, okay, fair enough.
She's like, you don't have a master's in sports science.
You can't just do that and then this
and a little bit of that.
You don't know what you're doing.
And I was like, okay, sorry.
She's right.
Then she came up with a program.
Yeah.
So Zamiya worked with me in real life and in the course to make sure my form was good
because whenever I injure myself, it's at the gym.
It's not drumming.
And then I got my friend Yenny Tarmo, who's an amazing bass player and a mobility specialist
to do the stretching stuff.
And then I got my friend Kara Norris.
I don't think you've seen Kara yet.
No, I can't wait to see this.
She's great.
So yeah, I'll send it to you, obviously.
And Kara helped with the myofascial massage stuff.
So Diana was so incredible
I had to get three women three separate women to come in and do everything that she did
No, it's it's literally like when and unlike a
Next level musician dies. Yeah, and you know all you have is like at least with musicians they
there's recorded yeah there's albums and stuff that you that gives you a glimpse
mm-hmm of you know these moments that they had when they were recording and
then you know the worst one is the last one where you see like where they were
going what could have been and all of that especially if they it's an untimely
yeah yeah like Tony Williams was doing like double bass
and getting into like metal when he died.
Did you ever listen to that album,
that one he did, he did a song with George Benson
and he was playing straight,
No.
Like eighths, it doesn't even sound like him.
Weird.
Yeah.
Show me it later.
Yeah, it's got like the eagle or something. It was 1979.
Weird.
Yeah.
No, I haven't heard that.
I mean, I think what happened, I think with him was when he came up with Miles, and there
was like this pinnacle and they were playing all of these places and then the Beatles and
the Rock and all of that stuff just took over.
And I just can't imagine being him being like I could fucking I'm better than all of these
Well, also the thing with that was cool about Tony Williams is
He was one of the first people to like actually have a real
Fusion band like real fusion like rock together, not like white people Tommy
Bahama shirts in the 90s fusion where it got really...
Take it easy. I grew up on that.
Did you know what was the funniest fucking most inside joke ever?
What?
Fred Armisen did a like a goof on drum instructional videos.
Oh, it was incredible.
That thing he did, they all wearing those paisley shirts.
And at the end of the jam, they all look at each other and they laugh like something
just happened.
And I remember watching those VHS tapes like, what happened?
Like, what are they laughing about?
I don't have musical ears.
These guys are just incredible.
And then you fantasize someday, I'm going gonna be on a VHS tape wearing a Hawaiian
shirt and at the end of the song I'm gonna look at you and be like, oh, crack up. It
almost went out of control but we were so good that we saved it.
We got it. Yeah.
He's hilarious. Yeah, and a great drummer and all that.
Yeah. Anyway, so let's, before, I don't want to
forget this part, is when it comes out and
where people can get it.
Yeah, so it's out.
It came out a couple weeks ago, and it's on my website, DaveElich.com, or you can go
to Staying Out Of Your Own Way, or soon as you get it.
DaveElich.com, D-A-V-E-E-L-I-T-C-H.com.
You got it.
And I gotta tell you, if you just do stuff, if you just sit at a desk on a computer,
all of that stuff, over time,
my biggest thing that I learned from her was the psoas.
Yeah.
And I remember the first time I tried to do a backbend,
I was lower than those tables
that Japanese people sit at in Japan, not over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know those those tables that like like Japanese people sit at you know in like Japan
Yep, you're not not over here. Yeah, I know I'm not the Ikea ones
Everybody's homogenized over here like like that was about as high up
Like right down and now I'm up to like, you know, I can probably get up to like about there. That's awesome
Yeah, and I have to tell you how much that has helped my lower back
Because it's all so as would get tight and then the lower back would
Compensate like trying to keep you upright and it would engage and then you'd feel I would feel my lower back
And I was like oh, I need to stretch my back
I need to stretch my back and it wasn't helping it and I'm like do I have a pinched nerve or whatever?
It's like it's that counterbalance thing.
Hill, exactly. And so much of this stuff, whether we're talking about this kind of body awareness
or whether you're talking about drumming, it's just being aware of these concepts.
And because you have all of that conceptual knowledge, you're able to go,
oh, okay, well, my back hurts, but it might not be my back.
It might be my psoas, it might be my shoulder,
it might be my back.
It's usually the opposite.
And then also when I'm at the gym,
like I make sure that I do equal,
like front and behind or whatever,
or both sides, like bicep and tris or whatever.
I make sure, yeah, and I didn't see,
I came up in the 80s and it was all,
what are you benching and doing this and you know shit and like there was some shoulder activity
Yeah, bad form. Yeah, no at all the cartilage no legs no legs and then like back
You know people would do these but there's all in nobody like very few
You know got in there or your lower back and that was like the big thing like fucking Eddie can do the whole stack and you'd always know the last one because
he would let it go and you just hear and you would literally like pop off the
ground of whatever you were sitting on. Yeah, it was a lot of neon, a lot of
tan, a lot of roids and it was like flamingo legs with like a fucking
gorilla on top. Like if a gorilla fucked a flamingo, it's what people look like.
And they had these puffy pants, and it was awesome.
MC Hammer pants and the stringy top.
I'm not a stringy top.
It was fucking awesome.
And there was T-tops, and Brian Adams rocked.
And after your workout, you drove away.
Brian Adams still rocks.
He does.
And he had a killer fucking drummer.
Yep.
Nikki Curry. Yeah. Brian Adams still rocks. He does. And he had a killer fucking drummer. Yep. Nikki Curry.
Yeah.
All of that shit.
And yeah.
And now I'm learning like, oh, maybe I should do like,
I started back up doing yoga.
Great.
Again.
Great.
And then, now.
You know what I was going to say earlier though,
with all the stuff you're talking about with the back
and everything, whether you're at a writer's desk
or you're playing drums,
so much of what happens because we use our hands so much, and now with phones and laptops and everything, we end up habitually
collapsing inward, right? And so working out, so you'll see all this bullshit on Instagram we're like, get this strap thing or this shirt to like help your posture, and it's just like...
I thought about buying one of those.
Is that the easy fix exactly I'll do it Americans are like great I don't have to
do anything everybody's like that people are sitting on couches in every fucking
country they just don't call them couches a fallen tree a couch it's the same
fucking thing we always take the easy way. So the only way to fix that is strength training.
It's strengthening your back to be as strong as your front,
like you were talking about,
so you can have everything evened out.
But like with your sciatica too,
you'll go to the doctor and they're like,
oh yeah, like, you know, here's a PT or something,
or let's give you a shot or something.
And like what we talked about in lessons is like, this is so common is you were sitting all the way
on the back of the throne.
And when you sit all the way on the back of the throne,
the front lip of the throne cuts into your sciatic nerve,
whether you're on a chair like this
or at a desk or playing drums.
And so getting you to sit forward
and sit on your sit bones.
Yeah, I'm sitting bad now.
I'm sitting on the left side of my ass
rather than I'm supposed to be sitting literally like this.
Yeah.
Hello everybody.
It's kind of impossible.
We are here.
Yeah, like I think you have to be in the military
and they keep slapping you in the head.
But this though doesn't feel,
like I kind of sit like this now when I play drums.
Yeah.
It taught me to do that.
Yeah.
But like, you know, if you're hanging out,
I gotta have, I have to have hanging out energy.
Like if I was sitting here this whole time,
you'd be like, all right, Phil.
What am I? Ouch.
One of my Alexander Technique teachers, John Louis Roderig, who teaches a ton of actors,
he said, yeah, like every once in a while, just, you know, enjoy a good slouch.
If you're having a glass of wine or whatever, just enjoy a good slouch.
You don't have to like be using yourself great all the time.
You're stalking somebody, you know, and you just need to slouch them in the car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. When applicable. Yeah.
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Burr liquiddeath.com slash Burr. But so yeah, so you know, it's this stuff's all universal and and what I try to do whether
I'm teaching drummers or sort of all musicians or whatever is just try and give people the
information that it actually works because nothing frustrates me more than spending a
bunch of time and money and effort and brainpower on something and being like, well, this doesn't work.
I needed a hammer and you gave me a pair of pliers.
That drives me bananas.
So like just being aware of information.
Yeah.
And that's rampant.
So like that's what I'm trying to do with everything.
That's all either a lot of that misinformation is fear based or greed based.
Either they're trying to make money off of you or there's some sort of fear you have
so like knowing things or explaining things to people and then being like, oh wow, you
know a lot of shit.
It's like, oh good, I know stuff, okay.
So I was getting nervous about it.
I have to know everything.
It took me till I was like 39, 40 before that voice got loud enough in the head
being like, Bill, why are you saying this to this person?
You have very, very little experience in this area.
You're just talking to talk.
But most people, it's not acceptable these days
for someone to bring up a topic and for you to say,
you know, I don't know enough about that
to have an opinion. No one says that.
Yeah, it happens very rarely.
I'm gonna do that next time my wife criticizes me.
You're doing this, you're that, you know?
You know, I don't know enough about that to have an opinion.
I don't have your advantage of being outside myself,
so I'm gonna take that information
And I'm gonna process it
And get out of this argument
I gotta stop making fun of my wife people think like you know that we she's like the best like we have the
Totally time. Yeah, I'm going on the road here, and I already told her we got to hang out tonight
We got to have like a date night. Oh, man, she woke up the other day, right? She just had like, you know, she's a planner. Mm-hmm my wife
You know, I'm a fucking idiot. So like that's that's what attracts and now I drive her nuts
Like I'm that guy who figures out what airline he's flying on the way to the airport
I know I'm leaving LAX in the morning and she'll be like what airline are you on? I'm like, I don't know
I could I got a car service, they told him.
I'm like a little kid.
She had like a balloon on my wrist,
but she's like a planner.
So, you know, I could tell she was like, you know,
stressed or whatever.
So I was trying to make her laugh
and I just couldn't fucking crack her.
She was just like, no, no, no, I'm listening to you.
I'm just, you know, I just couldn't get in there. She was just like, no, no, no, I'm listening to you. I'm just, you know, she was, I just couldn't get in there.
How often does that happen?
Only if she's like stressed.
So then I finally just started imitating.
I just started making fun of her about how busy she was.
And then finally, I started in the shower
with the door closed just really loudly,
pretending to be her
and talking about my busy day.
And by the time I got out and I wasn't hearing anything
so then I was just doing it from my own amusement.
And then finally I broke her
doing this Miss New York quote
where she was on this fucking date with this guy
and she just didn't have time even for a relationship.
She was just like, I want my eggs cracked,
meaning I want a baby.
I'm da-da-da-da-da.
So I started doing that and she was gonna go pitch a show
and I was going, I want my show produced, meaning this.
Act one, my face.
Act two, my ass.
Walking away from your initial offer.
And then she finally started laughing because it was so fucking stupid.
And that's my favorite thing in the world is to make her laugh.
In relationships, like your marriage, for instance, how important do you think it is
to lovingly roast each other?
You know what? It's literally like, the only way I can explain it
is through like machines, okay?
So like, whatever your drive, okay,
whatever car you have, you know,
even though you drive your buddies,
there's still gonna be something a little bit different.
Like a motorcycle, you get on a motorcycle,
oh, I've ridden one of these before,
every one of them has their own little character. I was just talking to Neil Brennan about this.
So people are like that. So that whole fucking thing, like these idiots are out there, you know
how you want to know how to satisfy women? It's just like, I satisfied one and they're all the same.
It's like that's not how it works. And that's also not the fun of life. The fun of life
That's also not the fun of life. The fun of life is figuring shit out.
And so I know when to joke with my wife,
and I know at this point, but I finally paid attention.
Cause in the beginning I didn't.
And she used to always say to me like,
Bill, you can't always be coming at me
with being at the cellar, the table.
I could always tell when you went to the cellar,
you come home, you're fucking coming at me,
and I was just like, no I'm not,
I'm a fucking perfect person, what is your problem?
You know?
Interesting.
Yeah, but then after a while I was just like,
all right, what am I doing here?
Okay, so then I just sort of like,
I learned to kind of like, like all of this shit,
where with you, it all kind of came into my life.
Her came into my life and I had to learn to listen to somebody. You come into my life,
I had to learn to listen to what I was playing, pay attention to things and then, you know,
I got into like aviation and stuff and there's, you know, you're listening to the engine,
you know, everything sound good and then then other things or whatever, and flying different helicopters,
where does this, when it sets down,
does it wanna go left skid or right skid,
little forward, little aft, what does it wanna do?
All of that somehow spilled into my brain
and helped me, I don't know, and I also did mushrooms,
like a lot of great shit,
like the best shit in my life happened.
And Diana, and Nicole too.
And Diana, all of that happened in the last few, having kids.
It all just like happened.
And you know, you know what's funny is they say, you know what's great about having kids?
You know, it gets you out of your own head.
And it's like, no, it doesn't.
It just makes you go like in your head being like, oh, my God, did I do that?
Right. Was that the right way to discipline?
Am I doing this too much?
Is this going to cause them to be still kind of like if I think if you give a fuck,
you're still going to be
quite to say that all time to my wife with the kids.
Am I doing a good job?
She's like, you're doing a great job.
It's like, all right, just to let you know,
I need to hear that.
I'm out here.
I think inherently, if you're worried
about doing a good job at all, you're doing a good job.
Right.
If it's the people who don't even think about that,
those are the people that should be worried, but they're not.
Sometimes you are worried
because you aren't doing a good job.
I'm sure. It's like, I think I'm gonna get fired. Hey you are worried because you aren't doing a good job. I'm sure.
It's like, I think I'm gonna get fired.
Hey Bill, can we talk to you for a second?
You can just do it from there.
Please don't make me go in and close the door.
I'll gather my belongings.
I don't wanna deal with all of that.
So how long is the course?
And I'm so excited because I was in a full on panic when she passed, aside from losing
somebody that I loved so much and never getting to hear her jokes and listening to her go
fucking on and on about Trump.
I used to fucking say positive shit about Trump just to get her going and she would
just fucking look at me.
I was like, you know, the other guy's a fucking warmonger with dementia, let's not get crazy.
She'd be like, all right, you're right,
but it ain't anything, it's better than,
like, they're the same guy.
It's a different fucking tie.
You're probably the only person that could pull that off.
Anyone else, she would have been like,
get the fuck out of my apartment.
I'm glad I didn't know that,
because I don't want to got nervous
and it wouldn't have gone.
But anyways, I did ask a question at the beginning of that.
Like, how long?
You know, I don't even know.
It's long, though.
Like, I mean, it's at least three to four hours.
There's over 100 videos.
There's a 36-page PDF that comes with it.
So it's really in-depth.
And the whole point of this is if someone's in pain, they haven't been able to get the
answers, they're going to be able to work their way out of pain first and foremost without getting surgery or anything like that
and then
Moving forward they're gonna have the tools to be like, oh my shoulder feels a little weird and work on it themselves
Right and be cool just to cover you legally some people may need surgery. Thank you
Yeah, yeah, so but I mean generally speaking like that's the direction
I was headed to with my
shoulder shoulders, that's what direction I was headed to with with the sciatic all of this type of stuff and and and
She got all of those. I don't even call the massage bulls. You call them
Yeah, there's all like different sized ones and you literally put them up against the wall
and like if you feel like a knot here,
you learn how to work that out
and if this feels like rubbery or whatever.
Like I haven't done it in a while.
I kind of have been bad because I got a little busy.
That's why I kind of got back into yoga.
But like I have all different size ones
for like shoulders, for like back.
And I also learned, you know,
a lot of people they know know, they got that, that gun
or whatever.
The gun thing, you know, you, you, you think you go up and down that going across, you
know, when needed or whatever, like that was great.
Anytime I've had like, you know, a tightness in my leg and I, and I always get, oh my God,
if I get this sciatic thing, I start thinking like Diana was the only one who knew how to
get rid of it.
Yeah, but I make sure I go across I stretch and I it's usually just
Tightness but the thing is is because of her and the stuff that's in your course
It's like it's like catching something early before it becomes like terminal exactly. Yeah, exactly
and so if you don't catch this stuff,
like sciatica is a perfect example.
If you have a bunch of schmutz built up
on your underside of your leg,
the sciatic nerve gets caught up in the scar tissue,
or the schmutz,
and that's when you get nerve impingement,
and that's when you get pins and needles.
And so if you have nerve impingement for long enough,
you can get nerve damage, which can, it's really rare,
but that can be like a permanent thing.
But in my experience, I've taught thousands of people,
and people come in and be like,
oh, they told me I have carpal tunnel.
I've never seen someone with carpal tunnel.
I've not even one person.
Everyone just has tennis elbow, golfers elbow.
They just have schmutz built up.
They need to get broken up.
But Western medicine is amazing for so many things.
But with this in particular,
if you go to a sort of normal doctor
and you're like, my arm hurts,
they don't believe in the pathology
that through overuse and repetitive motion
you create these fascial adhesions or scar tissue and they further don't believe that
massage will get rid of it.
They think it's just a placebo.
So they don't even talk about anything like this at all.
Well, because it's also that I would think that their branch of making money gets nervous.
Like my whole thing is like, I love the whole,
I love the electric car versus the gas combustion car
and how people that drive gas combustion cars
for the first time ever are now concerned
with where we get the raw materials
to make these electric cars.
These people are suffering in Africa and,
and China owns all of this stuff.
It's like, well, the other stuff's the Middle East.
A lot of that money goes to fund terrorism
that we're supposed to be fighting.
It's just like, what are you doing here?
And then also it's like, America, blah, blah, blah.
It's like, Tesla is an American car.
And my daughter has gotten me into,
like she likes to look at like the logos on the cars
and be like Volkswagen, Lexus, blah, blah, blah.
Dude, there's so few American cars,
at least, you know, where, blah, blah. Dude, there's so few American cars, at least where I'm driving around,
it's like, I don't know at what point Toyota took over,
but they are just fucking everywhere, and Honda.
We've talked about this before,
from 1972 to like 1992,
it was the dark ages in American cars, right?
Yeah, because they did what?
BMW did the same thing to their brand for a couple years where they were just trying to be...
What if we just made them sort of disposable and college kids could lease them?
They're back to quality, but I remember the reason why I bought a Jaguar is because everybody had a BMW or a Mercedes,
and then BMWs just kind of fell off the map.
And so now they're like cool to me again.
But there was a time though,
after that we started making them right again.
But like dude, like Chrysler and Dodge,
like they don't make any cars anymore.
They make like fucking minivans and trucks, that's it.
Well, and they were really successful
with the Challenger and the Charger, like hot rods.
But they kind of, they're discontinuing those, aren't they?
Yeah, this is the last year, yeah.
So they had a really successful run with all these muscle cars.
But then now, with emissions and everything and gas, they're putting a stop to that.
But yeah, like the...
I don't know.
But that's what they did in the 70s with catalytic converter, and then it all ends up coming back.
Because the bottom, anything that you're... Electric cars you gonna see it's gonna be just it's gonna be
equally as bad and both sides will say one side is worse than the other I don't know
how this this was pertaining to you saying about people like like you know the doctors
being like well you this is a pill this This is an operation situation. And it's like, no, it isn't.
And like, I feel like medicine never got to the mixed martial arts thing.
We're like, let's take a little of this, a little of that.
Well, there are, there are like osteopaths and holistic doctors,
but then that's also very hard to find someone that isn't like way too far off in the woo woo area also.
So it's like with any, that's one thing Diana would say.
She's like 95% of people don't know what they're doing.
So.
That would be me.
Right here.
So in either direction.
Good example.
You wanna find, you wanna check out
a bunch of different things and see what the through line is
and go where does this all this stuff line up?
I remember I went to get my shoulder checked out
like 20 years ago, because I injured it in high school. And I went to get my shoulder checked out like 20 years ago
because I injured it in high school and I went to... Jerking off? Obviously.
Sorry. I didn't do one dick joke. I didn't do one dick joke. You had to really go be going for it to injure your shoulder.
Your shoulder. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you were playing to the back of the room.
Talking about bad technique, right?
the back of the room. Talk about bad technique, right?
Yes.
You've got to do it like Bonham, man.
He was mostly wrist and fingers.
A lot of people thought he was fucking jerking off like this.
He wasn't, man.
He hit very light.
He got out of the way of his balls.
Sorry.
These are all drummer jokes.
Inside baseball.
Inside drummer jokes with jerking off.
But what I was going to say was the the doctors like, okay, let's go
Let's get you. Let's get you certain. Let's do some surgery. I love cutting people open and I was like
I gotta get out of here
Let's say the last thing you want to hear like you want to go and see some more they're like look the last
Resort is doing surgery, right? Right. But so I mean, I have a friend who's my age
It's 39 and he just got a hip replacement.
Because you go and see these doctors
and they're just like, yeah, this is,
we got this down pretty lickety split here,
we'll just, it's so insane.
So, you know, and if you don't have the wherewithal
to be like, hold on one sec,
let me do some of my own research,
you know, these people just go, okay,
this is what they're telling me.
And again, I'm sure there are people who,
in some circumstances, do need that that but in most of my experiences seeing
professional musicians all you really need is the right information which is
deep tissue sports massage stretching and strength training and that does
wonders I have a drummer I've been working with who has been lifting really
heavily and he blew out his central nervous system and his legs from lifting too heavy at Gold's and so we go to do double bass stuff and his legs just like stopped working because his nervous system was shot and so he started getting after I yelled at him for a few months he finally started getting getting body work done, and he started getting body work from this guy
who works on all the body builders at Gold's.
Like 250 pound muscle bound body builders.
And he starts going in on his hamstrings,
and the masseuse is like, my student was like,
how tight am I like just in comparison
to these body builders? And the masseuse was like, how tight am I like, just in comparison to these bodybuilders?
And the masseuse was like,
you're by far the tightest person I've ever seen in my life.
Because it was combination and then drumming.
Exactly.
Wow. Exactly.
So like one of the things that I thought-
So now he's been able-
Yes, now he's getting massage.
He took a break.
He's working with Zamiya.
She redid his whole workout routine
So he's not going super heavy on the weights and he's getting massages weekly and he's gradually coming out of it and like he posted
A video. Yeah fantastic. That's so fantastic
There's so many things in life when you get to be my age
Where you just think I'm gonna have to live with this for the rest of my life and these people out there
Like they're they're amazing
I'm gonna have to live with this for the rest of my life. And these people out there, like they're amazing.
Unfortunately, we're out of time here,
but like you guys have to check this out.
It's such a, she was such a next level person
in the information that she's passed on to Dave
that is in these, what do we call it?
Instructional.
Yeah, of course, videos.
Of course, yeah, is gonna hopefully get you on a path to just not having these aches and pains and a quality
of life.
Before we do get out of here, I gotta talk one drum thing.
So I'm sitting in with some people and tomorrow night, and I'm playing 2gogo's song.
And I gotta give a shout out to Gina Shock.
Oh my god.
Dude, she is a beast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An absolute beast and I was always a radio fan or whatever, you know
I came up in the 80s, I listen to metal guy bands, you know, and they would dress more like chicks than the fucking go-go's which is hilarious.
But if you're a drummer man, check her out is like she exists as far as my drumming knowledge
her out is like she exists as far as my drumming knowledge, somewhere between Phil Rudd and Steven Adler as far as like she's busier than Phil Rudd, but it's that same thing like,
and that's like the highest compliment because the both of those guys, their feel is incredible.
The other day I was watching ACDC all day long with my son, right?
Awesome.
Much in the videos.
He loves that 1979 one when they were in Paris.
And then it moved on to the Brian Johnson era and they went through a number of different
drummers.
And I could hear how the band sound, just different.
I'm not saying it sounded bad.
It just sounded different.
And then all of a sudden another one came on and I was like going, now that guy sounds
good.
That guy sounds good. And it was when Phil Rudd joined the band again. And I was like going, that guy sounds good, that guy sounds good and it was
when Phil Rudd joined the band again and I was like psyched, I was like I can
actually fucking hear that because I used to just be like every drummer
sounded the same. You have great ears man, you have really good ears not just
drumming with other instruments as well. Yes! That's a professional drummer that
just said that, you just fucking made the rest of my week. I'm not just saying
that, you have great ears.
All right, all right.
Not the greatest hair, but I do have great ears.
Same.
Yeah, right there.
All right, the great Dave Elich,
the name of the instructional course
is Staying Out of Your Own Way.
There you go.
Getting Out of Your Own Way,
now Staying Out of Your Own Way.
It'll improve your life beyond beyond if you're a musician,
just anybody, it's such a fantastic thing.
And you are such a big hearted guy
and such an amazing musician and a teacher at heart
that you didn't just hoard all this stuff for yourself.
The fact that you had this need to share it with everybody
is, yeah, you're a borderline saint, I'm telling you.
Fantastic.
All right, that's been the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
Please enjoy the music interlude,
picked out by the music,
picked out by the wonderful Andrew Themelis.
Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
See ya! I'm your lover, I'm your seer, I'm the face in your dreams of love
So say goodbye, but when we're really gonna need em
Throw out your carrots and fly
Wanna go for a ride Monday where I'm at. It's gloomy out here. Chance of fucking showers, which should be
great, you know, because how it works out here in Los Angeles is we basically every
three years we get all of our rain for three years. Essentially, that is how it works.
And I know a lot of people think like, Oh my God, that must be so wonderful. You know,
you just wake up every day knowing the sun's going to shine.
It fucking drives you crazy after a while.
Fortunately I travel enough.
I get on the road again, meeting Trump fans and some voting for that old guy.
What the fuck's Bernie Sanders?
He wants to take all the money from the fucking rich and give it to the poor.
And Donald Trump, he doesn't like Mexicans.
And Hillary's going to drive right between those two fucking lunatics.
Good Lord.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I haven't been watching, but I know that that's what's going to happen.
And all you broads out there who are fucking excited to finally get a fucking clam into
the fucking Oval Office.
Okay, I understand. I don't understand. I'm not a fucking woman. I don't know what it's like to
walk by a construction site and have a bunch of people communicate that they find me sexually
attractive. You know? You know, there is a positive way to look at that if you take away all the sexual
assault vibe from it. It's kind of a, you know, a nice tip of the construction cat.
You know, I don't walk by and they go,
hey, you funny motherfucker.
I get nothing.
I get silence. I get snickers.
Hey, fucking Casper, right?
I may make fun of my lack of melatonin.
I'm pigment?
Melatonin, isn't that fucking, uh,
I forget if that's a fruit and that's not the skin cancer.
Don't you need melatonin?
Oh Jesus, who gives a fuck? I'm just saying, right?
Just because somebody has a vagina doesn't mean because you also have a
vagina that they are going to do what's right for you.
Think about all the presidents that have had dicks.
Which as far as I know has been all of them.
But you never know. You never know.
You never know back in the day.
There were no cell phone pictures, right?
There was no video cameras.
You had no idea.
You know, Andrew Jackson, he could have been like,
he looks like one of those broads on fucking,
the fuck's the name of that show?
The Golden Girls.
He looked like one of the Golden Girls.
Sort of their hip or younger one.
You know?
He really had that middle of the ground,
that is it a chick, is it a dude?
Roger Daltrey, early 80s haircut.
You know? Except it was a powdered wig over there.
Yeah. I mean, I'm just saying, just because somebody has the same fucking thing as you,
does not mean that they're going to do what's good for you or that you're now going to get more stuff.
Like, look, she's in the White House.
Doesn't that mean I get a corner office?
No, it doesn't.
What the fuck do you have to do with her?
I got to admit, yeah, if I see a redhead achieve something, I don't feel excited like, oh, it's only a matter of time before that comes around my way.
And I know what you're thinking.
Oh, well, Bill, it's not like redheads are a minority.
Yes, we are.
An unseen minority, I told you.
Walking amongst you, listening in on your conversation,
reading your emails.
We're here, man, we're from another,
we're from fucking Mars, the red planet.
That's where we came from.
We came here, right?
We looked just like you guys,
but then we fucked up when we entered the atmosphere.
We got a little fucking singed up there.
And burned our pubes.
Oh my god, it's a fucking gloomy day.
It is a good goddamn gloomy day.
I hope the fucking...
The goddamn clouds part.
Anyways, old Freckles is looking for a new car.
I'm looking for a new car, baby, a new car.
And I gotta admit, I actually feel like I'm, you know, like leaving the Prius behind.
You know, I've had it, I had almost eight years with the thing.
Runs like a fucking top.
I don't know. I just want to get something new. I got a buddy who might buy it. I don't know. I just want to get something new.
I got a buddy who might buy it.
I don't know.
I'm a frugal son of a bitch.
I'm probably just going to go look, but you know, it's a good, a good time to
look for a fucking car is on a rainy day.
You know, all those fucking tool shed, fucking salesmen, they are the worst.
The car, car salesmen are the lowest of the low of fucking salespeople.
And you know what's funny?
They know it.
They wouldn't even lie about it.
They know what the fuck they do.
I mean, they had like one rung below a drug dealer.
At least with drugs, you know, you get some sort of a high, well, I guess
when you buy a car, you do, you know, I don't fucking, they are just like, I don't know.
The great thing is, is I really don't need a car.
So I'm in a great negotiating, negotiable negotiator, negotiable position.
I was going to walk over and be like, yeah, I like that.
And this is what I'm going to pay.
And so go discuss it with your manager and come back and come back with that number or
something less or I'm just going to get in my car.
You trading that in?
Nope.
I could sell it to my buddy or I can just drive across the street, not take on all this
fucking debt and just go get myself a ham sandwich.
Huh?
What do you say there, stupid tie? Go talk to your manager!
Um, I always talk a good game and then I go in there and I get fucked because at the end of the day, I just, I don't want to be there.
And it's just, I don't give a shit if it costs me a few grand more.
It's like, how much more do I have to pay to get you to shut the fuck up? And they know it, you know what I mean?
You ever hear women talk about how guys just wear them down sometimes and they just sort of
blow them to shut them up and just get them on their way?
That's what car salesmen do to me.
No, they don't blow me.
They do wear me down though.
They fucking wear me down and I'm just like, ugh.
I remember when I bought my Prius, I was just like,
I went in, I said, listen, I'm paying this and that's it.
And they go, well, we're not giving you it for that.
It's a hot car.
We sell like three a day.
And I'm like, well, then I'm leaving.
And then they go, all right.
And then I went, all right, I'll pay what you want me to.
I am the fucking worst.
I want all you salesmen to know
that a sucker just went through the dough.
That's gonna be me in about fucking two hours. All right, where the hell am I?
What am I talking? Oh, you know what? I'm actually really enjoying. I actually had
a cigar, I told you for the first time, and I got to admit I kind of didn't... I
liked it. I liked it in it, but there was way more, I don't like this shitty taste in my fucking mouth the next day than there was that I enjoyed that.
And I am on the precipice of just straight up quitting those fucking things, which should make me feel really good to be honest with you.
Like I said, if I keep smoking these things this summer, I'm a four year smoker. Something I never thought I'd be.
Now, I'm not going to start crying right now like some broad that just won an award pretending
to be a nurse on some fucking show.
You like me?
You really like me?
I don't need that shit in my life.
Although I got to admit, I do enjoy them.
I think I remember that I enjoyed it. The last one I had, I do enjoy, do I enjoy them? I think I remember that I enjoyed the last one I had.
I liked it, but I didn't afterwards.
I was like, well, Jesus Christ, this fucking taste in my mouth.
So, um, do you guys consider me a smoker?
If I smoked one.
New Year's day, the Superbowl, my birthday, and then on one of those Jewish holidays in
September.
I needed four.
I was thinking like once every three months.
What the fuck?
Okay.
My birthday is June.
So I come out of the gate, right?
Boom.
January 1st, I smoke one.
And then February 3rd is the Super Bowl.
And then it's nothing in March, nothing in April, nothing in May.
And then in June for my birthday, bam, I smoke one.
And then, I don't know, maybe that big college game I go to every year.
You know?
I don't know.
I have no idea.
I think, you know, I remember what the fuck I was going to tell you guys.
Remember I was telling you last time?
There was something I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't remember what it was.
I tried to make gnocchi the other night.
Did I tell you that? Gnocchi? How the fuck would you say it?
What a goddamn fucking disaster.
Fucking disaster.
You know what? It just tasted like...
Just imagine what cookie dough would taste like
minus everything that makes it taste good.
It was just blobs of shit.
Blobs of flour.
What happened was, what was, I was,
I went on the internet and I was watching
these fucking chefs make this shit,
and what they do is when they go to mix it,
they fast forward through
it or they just jump cut because they feel that it's boring and that no one's going
to watch the rest of it and that right there that's the key right there it's like they
open the playbook and then they just go they fan through every fucking page and then they're
like and that's the game plan for the they were gonna run this season any questions
On to on to ready break right you're like what I what the fuck just happened
So I I believe they got me so fucking paranoid. I watched this Mario battalion where
he had his friend do it and
You know, he's gonna show you how to make nonocchi you just look at just look at Mario Batali fucking blah blah
you'll see the thing they fly through him mixing the shit and
But the big thing they kept saying was is don't over mix it. Don't over mix it
You're gonna get a tough pasta yada yada yada yada yada yada and all that shit and these fucking assholes
They just they blew right through it and then I undermixed it.
Now I'm starting to feel like I already told you this one.
Yeah, I told you this, right?
Nia said you shouldn't make pasta anymore.
You know?
There you go, there's my supportive wife.
I swear to God.
Do you ever wonder why the woman that loves you is always shitting on everything that you do?
You know, not everything you do, but anything new you're trying.
They fucking shit all over you.
You know what I think that is?
I think that that's just some sort of fucking paranoia
within a relationship.
Maybe guys do it too.
I never dated a guy, you know?
You know what, I think I'm going to try this summer.
Ha ha ha.
Do you guys still like me if I dated a guy for like three fucking months?
You know?
What if I dated like my doppelganger?
I'm trying to get the most fucked up image you could possibly see to me.
I'll date that guy from fucking, we're all wacky in the house over here.
Whatever the fuck the name of that show is.
You know, oh, look at you.
You're fucking, I'm from Malaysia.
Look at me.
I like show tunes
Hey, I'm the old-school guy from fucking the Korean War, right? Am I describing my cartoon? I can't remember anyways
The fuck was I just talking about? Oh
God damn it. My fucking brain just goes in one straight line and you just got to keep going
I gotta keep going if I come back around again, it's just like,
I don't even know where the fuck I was at.
Back up, back up. It was before dating a guy for three months, but it was after gloomy,
gloomy fucking weather.
It was after the car, crooked car salesman.
Come on, Billy, you're coming around the mountain. You're coming around the mountain.
We're going up and down, Lou.
Remember that Mary Tyler Moore one?
When Lou Grant had a great fucking idea and he just forgot about it.
He goes, oh man, I had the best idea.
And Mary Tyler Moore is trying to get him to remember it.
She goes, okay, okay, you're in the elevator.
You're in the Avelia.
You're coming up.
You're coming up.
And he's going, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was in the elevator.
She goes, yeah, you know, you press the floor.
You were coming up.
You were in the elevator.
And you were thinking, right as he almost gets it, Ted Baxter just leans in.
He goes, well, you're going up or down low.
Oh, speaking of that shit, you know what I watched the other day?
I watched an episode of Gilligan's Island, the ones that were in black and white
instead of watching March madness, because I don't like the first couple of rounds.
I know there's all those upsets, but I don't like watching fucking Bunker Hill Community College playing Duke.
I know every once in a while they get beat and I guess there was a bunch of
fucking upsets, you know, I know that one fucking that, that, uh, that Austin,
Austin city limits college with that fucking, I couldn't tell if he was a
lumberjack or a hipster, that fucking jacked white dude with the psycho
beard, man, and the Hitler youth haircut.
I was like, that guy needs to one more win.
And they, the other team fucking tipped it in and they lost right at the fucking
buzzer, but, um, I was thinking that guy needs to get to one more round and he
is going to be, uh, he's going to be famous, you know, I just seemed that
cause I was looking like I, uh, I remember who he is.
And I assumed if I remember, then everybody else is going to remember because,
you know, why wouldn't the whole world think the way I think?
Well, shit, maybe I should run for president.
I think when you have thoughts like that, that means that you're,
you're designed to be a world leader.
I have great ideas and I think everybody, why wouldn't everybody
like my ideas and everybody should think the way I think and everybody will be good if
I am running stuff, you know, and everybody will get the same amount of stuff except I'll
get a little bit more and by a little bit more, I mean a bunch of hoes, a bunch of does.
It's something else about my toes. Um, well, you know what?
I can't remember what the fuck I was talking about.
I did start talking about basketball, but you know something, they actually
have a little bit of match madness.
The madness of March is coming down to, uh, Anaheim and, um, I heard the, uh,
the Duke guys, the Duke boys, tell them Duke boys. We come right back Bada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada-dada- coming up this weekend. One in Riverside and the other one at the Terrace Theater
in Long Beach, California, which is really no big deal. It's just a beautiful
theater that Richard Pryor taped his first big special in. That's all. I'll
just be standing on the same stage. No reason to prepare or be nervous for that
one. I'm freaking out about that one. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I just feel
like I'm already putting all this pressure on myself that if I don't have the
fucking my show of shows that I don't know, the comedy gods are going to be like, yeah,
these comedians nowadays, you know, they're all selling a bunch of fucking tickets, but
then they stink. They're not the real deal. But anyways, I'm thinking if I go out tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday, do a couple, two,
three.
And then Thursday, I hit the Duke game.
Then on fucking Friday, I got my show and Saturday, I got my show and just knock those
out. I feel like I'll be all right.
I feel like I can take one day off.
Am I nuts?
Am I nuts because I didn't last night?
This is the thing, I stopped smoking cigars.
You know what happens when you quit a bad habit?
Something else goes through the roof.
It's like if you quit smoking, you start eating. Right? You stop boozing, you start shooting smack. Right? You say, I'm going to start
cleaning up around the house. Next thing you know, you're beating your wife. And you know why?
It's because nobody is perfect. You ever go to a fucking AA meeting, they're all in their
fucking chain smoking and fucking shoving donuts down their
throat. They're still killing themselves.
They just slid it over to something else. That's basically, um,
the most fascinating people I find is the people that are just 100% straight
edge and they eat like a micro, macro, biotic, microbiome,
whatever the fuck it is, macro biotic
diet. I'm gonna say macro. You say macro, I say micro. Beep a da ba do boo. Those fucking
people. But you know what it is? They don't do anything. Okay? They fucking, you know,
they drink fucking, you know, pure, the most purified fucking water out of a unicorn's
horn or some shit, right?
Just the most, the most fucking cleanest living ever.
But you know what?
They probably kill themselves with the stress of knowing they're still going to die.
You know?
How, how, how do you think you treat yourself when you really think about it?
I think I treat myself like, uh, I wouldn't say the way I treat a rental car.
I treat a rental car pretty good.
I don't beat the shit out of it.
When I was younger, I used to, it was just funny.
They give you a car and you just, you know, remember neutral drops for some reason were
considered fucking amazing.
You know, you just have it in park.
You would, oh no, you put it in neutral.
There you go, Bill neutral drop and you would just floor it.
Get the RPMs up to about, oh, I don't know, seven, 8,000.
And then you would just slam it into fucking drive.
And you just heard that horrific sound.
Of, I don't know what the fuck it is on an automatic transmission, you know, with the standard
to be the clutch hitting that fucking engaging and whatever the fucking engages in.
I don't fucking know.
Basically gears slamming into other gears.
I can't believe the teeth just don't fly off on both sides.
I imagine eventually they do, but we used to do shit like that. You
know, you take the car off road. You could do a lot of shit back in the day before everybody
had a fucking camera. You know? Oh, speaking of which, I got to tell you what I fucking
saw. Oh my God, I almost forgot to tell you this fucking story. Let me do a little advertising
here first. Oh, look at that little teaser.
Remind me to talk about the fucking local fucking wine thing I went on with my wife, mother-in-law, and my brother-in-law. All right, where the fuck is the advertising here for this
week? If you knew Susie like I knew Susie oh oh what a gal
do you love are they just kind of calling her a whore oh if you knew her
the way I knew her you mean you fucked her alright ready for this little
fucking safari thing you know it's doing real good with my fucking posture now
I'm sitting on my lower back again I need need to sit up, sit up straight, take, take goddamn charge of the fucking goddamn game here.
Um, so anyways, uh, it was my mother-in-law's birthday and, uh, it got rained out like a
month or two ago, so we finally rescheduled this thing.
We went on one of these wine trips out here to Malibu.
Um, and they have these giant fucking like 600 acre ranches out there.
Cause I used to always, you know, whenever I'm flying by, you know, I always look over
and see all that fucking, that there's basically no place to land.
You know, I was kind of thinking like, wow, that's amazing that it hasn't been developed,
I guess because they're all fucking ranches.
Eventually, eventually they'll get rid of all the fucking grapes and they'll turn into
a giant fucking, I don't know.
I don't know what the fuck you call it, apartment complexes or whatever.
So anyway, so we go up there and first of all, it's so up in the fucking hills, like
the GPS isn't working and it actually ends up taking us to this fucking parole board
thing that's in the middle there.
They got the barbed wire fence.
It looked like minimum security thing that's in the middle there. They got the barbed wire fence. It looked like
minimum security thing that we went into. Like, all right, I don't think this is the fucking wine
place. So we ended up going back and they have on the farm, you know, they have a place where you
can just go get boozed, you know, boozed up, listen to some bands and that type of shit. And, uh,
you know, there's something about wine drinkers you just don't want
to be around them I don't know it gives you a brutal fucking hangover I like a
nice glass you know I sound like fucking what's-his-face start talking about fava
beans and somebody's liver I look at nice glass with the meal but that's
about it but anyway so they also have like a safari up there they have like
yaks they have this fucking giraffe. They have camels
They have these emus they had all this crazy shit. You could go up and feed them and all that type of stuff
So we're up there having a great time
meeting these fucking yaks and zebras and stuff and
And of course, you know, they got these giant bull like things and this is fucking jerk-off
They got these giant bull-like things and this is fucking jerk off with these, one of these guys, you know, that bought like the top of the line loafers, you know, but they're loafers. They have
these really this fucking, you know, it's the kind of shit Ric Flair would buy as a joke, right? Just
we could hold him in some broke guy's face and say that his shoes cost more than a house. But this
guy was like serious and he's wearing them. There's like dirt on the ground. Obviously he's walking around in them.
So all of us, you know, I'm overfeeding the fucking yak.
And all of a sudden I hear the unmistakable sound of a bull hitting the
fucking metal rail of a fence.
I don't know why I know that sound.
I think it's part of the fucking, uh, caveman DNA that's still left in everybody
that you, you know, where you just, you ever
have like walk down the street and all of a sudden dogs behind a fence and it
growls and your whole body just fucking gets that tingle and you come at like,
I'm telling you, if you don't, if you started running right then, you probably
could run as fast as Bo Jackson.
You know, that's how fast Bo Jackson could run just to gain four yards.
He ran as fast as someone would run if a saber tooth tiger was fucking about ready to eat
him.
You know, that first fucking step.
Anyways, I heard that sound.
Immediately, I was already being like, all right, I'm going to get fucking trampled or
worst case scenario, this thing's going to hook under my belt and my fucking pants are
going to go down to my ankles as my junk is flapping around like that poor
bastard everybody sees on that.
That guy's life is over his fuck.
There's no way to laugh that off.
You ever seen that one?
The bull fucking gets in the guy's belt loop, tips him upside down and just
is just thrashing them around.
The guy's pants go all the way down to his ankles.
And people went from being like, Oh my God, that's going to die to everybody just sitting
there laughing at this guy.
And you know he's thinking like, oh my God, this thing's going to gore my fucking dick.
Right?
And you know the chick that he finally got the fucking courage to, or trying to get the
courage to ask up, ask up, ask out, up, out, over, in, whatever.
He wanted to take this bitch out.
Right?
So he probably was awkward.
So he's going like, you know what?
I'll do something amazing.
And then that'll give her my attention.
I'll show you how courageous I am.
Right?
So he runs with the fucking bulls and right as she was being like, you know, he
kind of made me think like he's fun.
All of a sudden he's upside down.
And then there's his fucking little fucking
Little Schmeckle right his Jewish people say fucking flopping around it was just over
That guy not only had to leave his hometown his province He had to leave the country he might have had to leave the continent, but now with fucking YouTube
It's just you know and here. I am talking about it, right?
Sex offenders have an easier time relocating than that fucking guy after that one. So anyways
So I hear that sound and right as I turn around I see the bull coming off the fence and I see this guy in loafers
You know had run back away from the fence
Right and what was funny was I went over there and I fed the fucking bulls and nothing happened.
Came over there, I had a relaxed energy.
I fucking, you know, I had my fucking weight on my back foot.
You know, I was standing like a fucking boxer, you know?
I wasn't standing there flat footed like when that fucking thing comes, I'm going to fall
on my ass.
I was already in tisipas.
Like I am not ending up in a fucking YouTube video. I'm already a white guy and I am prone to walking up to animals like they're
dogs. I don't know why white people do that, but I do that. I see a lion at the zoo and
I want to go up and give it a belly rub. Oh, you little fucking king of the beast, right?
Where other groups of people, for some reason,
they understand, not even for some reason,
what they're doing is common sense.
Whatever fucking reason, white people,
we just want to go up, you know?
I don't know, it's fucking stupid, generally speaking, right?
So, I'm like, what a fucking idiot.
And you see the guy, he's got that look on his face,
like, ha, I almost got hit in the face
by a fucking bullhorn, right?
And surprisingly, the guides didn't say shit, right?
And then we're all going to get back on the little open thing,
safari truck, and I hear, boom, I hear it again.
And the same fight, look around again.
Same fucking guy backpedaling into stupid loafers.
And they don't say a fucking word to this guy.
So I'm just like, this guy is a fucking moron, right?
So we get on the thing and we're driving over and now we're going to go see this giraffe.
This teenage giraffe named Stanley.
The coolest fucking giraffe you're ever going to meet.
It just was not afraid of people whatsoever, which of course is dangerous.
The first thing I thought of when I fucking saw the giraffe was like I remember seeing a giraffe on YouTube
Kick a fucking lioness
This lioness went to jump on the things back and it timed it perfectly
Okay, like Andre Auguste's fucking dead dead
Fucking shot. He used to do right up the fucking is not the baseline right up the fucking whatever
Fucking shot he used to do right up the fucking is not the baseline right up the fucking whatever
He used to rip that back. Hey now right up and you know he always talks shit about made a lot of money with that Shot right?
That's what the fucking giraffe did but with its leg kicked the lioness and what are they how much is a lion weight like?
600 pounds dude he sent this fucking thing
It looked like it was doing like it was in the middle of doing a jumping jack
and it was just, but it was just like doing this airborne cartwheel and it never came
down and this thing fucking flipped around like three times and it hit the ground and
it did not get up. All right. I know I use this reference a lot, but you remember the
last hit Brett Favre took? That's what this lioness looked like from a giraffe. I couldn't believe it. Like
I jumped up when I saw it. You know, it was like watching the nerd beat up the bully.
All these guys were piling on. And what was funny when the other lions saw that they were
like, Oh shit, I didn't know. I didn't know the giraffe could do that. Yeah. It was like
the Bruce Lee fucking was it the one inch punch when he'd send somebody flying across the room?
We get it Bill.
So that's, that's all I'm thinking is I am not getting anywhere near that thing's fucking
legs.
Of course they got like a 10 foot fence and then you walk up.
The thing was 16 feet high as a teenager, right?
And you go all the way up and all right at that level, it's just its head and you were
feeding it little pieces of banana and all that shit with the skin.
They just cut it up in sections.
And the way it would eat, it looked like an old man that took its dentures out.
And it was adorable.
And you know, he'd fucking pet the thing on its head.
It was perfect.
Right?
But anyways, as we're pulling up to go see this shit, the guy goes,
all right, he goes, now look, those camels over there, he goes, you
got to be careful with those things.
He goes, they're very aggressive.
Um, you know, all they want is food, but if you don't have food, they're
going to, you got a great chance that they're going to bite you because
they're going to get it one way or another.
It's just how they're wired and their necks are longer than you think.
So don't be, you know, turning your back on them, trying to get a selfie because
you're going to get bit.
And he goes in as much as I say this, you know, couple, two, three people a
month get bit, right?
So he says this
All right, right and I was thinking was good fellas, right?
And after all her yeah. Yeah bullshit. What does she do?
She makes a fucking phone call from the home phone right exact same fucking thing. There was these three women in front of us and
For whatever fucking reason like the second he gave that speech, I was like, you know what?
Fuck those camels.
I'm not going anywhere near them.
I didn't try to feed them.
I didn't do it.
I'm not fucking going to feed something.
When the tour guy goes, we're fucking, three people get bit a month.
I'm just like, you know what?
Guess who's not going to be one of those three?
Old freckles over here.
All right.
So, we go over and beat pets to the giraffes.
We look at these fucking emus,
which are the creepiest goddamn animal ever.
I don't know, they do, they have a look on their fucking face.
I can't even, I can't, I'm trying to describe the look.
It's like...
Just imagine if like, you were in your backyard and you were just drinking a glass of lemonade
and all of a sudden you saw the ground moving and a person just came up from under the ground.
Just imagine how dirty their face would be.
And as they walk towards you to take a sip of lemonade, just imagine that look on their
face.
That's what it looked like I went to feed one of those things and it fucking came walking over like a zombie
like I don't know what it was and they got this thing where they don't they
can't like just gently take shit they go they do like fucking pit fiber like
like your fucking head comes right at you I held this shit out and I the
second that thing locked eyes on me I fucking just dropped the carrot and left
it's like there it's over there stupid and the thing was too dumb to fucking And the second that thing locked eyes on me, I fucking just dropped the carrot and left.
It's like, there, it's over there, stupid. And the thing was too dumb to fucking look down.
Crazy. It was like it had, like, I swear to God, like that description they have when people are on the front lines in a fucking war, like World War I, this thing looked like it'd seen horror
its entire fucking life. And it's just like, dude like dude you know how about I just leave it here on the top of the fence and you figure it
out so anyway so we're walking back to the um to the little safari truck and those three
fucking ladies where are they at everybody where do you where do you think that they're
at you think they're getting on the truck you know you think they're getting on the truck? You know? You think they're getting ready to go enjoy a glass of fucking wine at the winery? No? Uh-uh.
They're over by the fucking camels.
And they're fucking getting really close, but they got carrots, so they're okay. But they're way in this thing's fucking wheelhouse.
Okay, and I'm just sitting there going like...
And I literally muttered to Nia, I go Nia,
film this because one of them is going to get bit. One of them is going to get bit.
Right? So the cutest one of them all, right? Fucking, what does she do? After this guy
says, don't turn your back and try to take a selfie. What does this fucking woman do?
She turns her fucking back.
She's in this thing's fucking wheelhouse.
She was so close to the thing, it almost had to double back with its fucking neck.
It was what it did.
It fucking, once it realized it didn't have any more carrots, it, she didn't, it fucking
doubled back and fucking basically bit this woman right on her boob,
her left boob. She had a jacket on and she just went like, and fucking stepped away.
Fortunately, it didn't clamp down and it fucking, she had these disgusting like just green salt,
like grass stains and saliva because the things fucking eat grass all day.
And she gets back to the thing and she's doing that whole, Oh my God, that thing
just like bit me in the boob.
Right.
And the tour guide funniest thing ever.
He just looks at it and he goes, Oh, I fucking told you he dropped the F bump.
He got fucking told you it was my favorite thing that I think I'veomb. He fucking told you.
It's my favorite thing that I think I've seen.
I can't remember.
That reminds me of when I was a kid.
I was part of the last generation, the last tail part of if you slipped on the ice, it
was your fucking fault.
It wasn't the guy's fault who had the storefront.
It's like, yeah, ice is slippery, stupid.
Yeah, maybe next time you'll fucking be a little more careful.
And then somehow it became the shop owner's fault
that you fucking were walking too recklessly on ice.
Like it's his ice.
It's not his ice.
It's made by the Lord, right? That's like McDonald's having to make salads.
They took fucking responsibility.
Rather than it's like, no, it's your fault you're fat.
You ordered 50 fucking Big Macs, you cunt.
You know? We're a business.
If you order it, we're going to give it to you, you fucking dope.
You know, what do you want to do? Have to go eat a whole fucking gallon of ice cream.
The fuck is wrong with you?
And they somehow took the responsibility and they started making fucking salads.
It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.
So anyways, yeah.
And that, that guy, he just, well, you know, I fucking told you,
dude, it was like needle off the record.
I couldn't fucking believe it.
And they didn't say anything.
It was like watching Donald Trump in that first debate when he was still funny before
it was just like, holy fuck, this guy might run the country.
Now who's getting who?
He might speak for the country.
He might pretend to be running the country.
That's the real deal.
That's why you can't be too afraid of Donald Trump.
Cause at the end of the day, it's the, you know, come on people.
We all know, you know, I'll tell you right now, if I was fucking ISIS, those
fucking dopes trying to sneak into this country and blow people up and shit, all
those fucking idiots got to do is just get together their money and you just fucking put some money
on Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, right? That's all you got to do. And then you buy a little bit
of advertising time on all the major networks and you'll never hear about them again. That's how
people, that's how those fuckers, you know, genetically alter food. You never fucking hear
about it because they got their fucking money in everybody's
pockets and everybody shuts the fuck up.
So that's what ISIS should do.
They should just do that.
And then they could just walk into this country with a goddamn bazooka on their
back and no one would say shit.
Um, anyways, so yeah, that's what it was like the first debate with Donald Trump
where he was just, they will decide, you said this about women, you said that about women, he said, no, Trump where he was just they will decide he said this about women.
You said that about women.
He said, no, no, no.
I said about I said that about Rosie O'Donnell.
They're like, no, no.
You said it about other women too.
And he just goes, hey, you know, you're probably right.
You're probably right.
That was it.
It's over.
She's like, oh my God, I think that'd be in the book.
And he goes, ah, yeah, I fucking told you.
No sympathy.
No fucking sympathy. no fucking sympathy.
It was perfect.
It's exactly, it's exactly what I think most people need.
You know, look, I'm not saying that you shouldn't have empathy.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't have sympathy and that type of shit.
All I'm saying is there, there is a time and a place for no
sympathy and that, that was it.
That was, it was, it was done perfectly.
You know, and I think she's going to be a better person because of it.
She couldn't even argue.
He's like, ah, I fucking told you.
And when you really think about it, it's like, when she comes back,
think bit me in the boob.
It's like, it's like, I just fucking told you it was going to do that.
Like, what do you think he's going to say? Oh, did it? Oh, I'm sorry.
Did it do exactly what the fuck I said it was going to do? Um, and then that was it.
And then the next thing we did was we fucking went over, we checked over all
these original like fucking air streams and then we were drinking wine and like,
that all happened. Like we got on the, like it bit her in the boob. He said, well, I fucking told you. And then we were drinking wine and like that all happened. Like we got on the, like it bit her in the boob.
He said, well, I fucking told you.
And then we were drinking wine outside and I was just like, this
might, this is fucking awesome.
That should be part of the tour.
That was, I don't know.
Is that weird?
Am I making a bigger deal about it?
And it was so fucking refreshing.
Yeah.
Fuckhead, you know, that's on you.
All right. Here we go a Billy Belgium
Bill big fan. Are you planning a trip to Belgium in the fucking future?
Can't wait to see you
Life on stage. You came close live L I V E and right now I'm still I'm sticking with that French
By the way, I am on Duolingo. I got
23 days in a row Michael Jordan
23 fucking days in a row and
I'm just gonna keep fucking doing this shit. I try to get 200 points a day
Sometimes I don't buy I get at least a hundred although Tuesday. It looks like I only got ten. I did one lesson Here I am for the it. I get at least a hundred. Although Tuesday, it looks like I only got 10. I did one lesson.
Here I am for the week.
I got like 160, then I got 10, 180, 210, 200, 110, and 230.
That ain't bad.
Hey, Bill, this isn't about you.
It's about the fucking question.
You're right.
You're right.
I get distracted. I get distracted.
Where the fuck am I?
Ah, Jesus Christ.
And there's another way I'm trying to learn French.
I go to the Montreal Canadiens website and I go onto the French side.
And I know, sacrilegious but I fucking do it.
And I, you know, what did I say? Uh,
something learning the hard way the last time, like the Prendes,
uh, something dear or some D I R E. I can kind of read it.
I still can't fucking speak it. I stink at it,
but at least I'm getting to the point where I can kind of read, you know,
at a decent level. I've been going on YouTube and I've been watching these fucking, you know, they like kids shows.
I swear to God I'm going to get put on a list, but I'm learning.
I'm learning how to fucking read it.
Why they're just going like the cat, the cat says meow, you know, meow cat meow.
Oh, look at the dog.
They do it all in French, right?
Le chien, chat,, le oiseau.
All right.
Big fan, are you planning a trip to Belgium in the future?
Can't wait to see you live on stage.
Great brain, great humor. Love your show.
I am absolutely 100% going to get there at some point.
This year I am planning a tour of Eastern Europe and then my usual run
through the whitest people of all time from Finland all the way over to Iceland.
And I'm planning to end in Iceland and spend an extra couple of days there at
the Blue Lagoon Spa. and you got to do it.
And you should go during the winter when all the fucking tourists are not there.
You want to be there when there's snow on the ground.
I mean, right now, I don't know if the Northern Lights is still, we probably missed it by
now, but like that's one, that's like a bucket list thing for me.
I want to go there, see the fucking Northern Lights.
When I went there, I felt like I was on the top of the earth.
And it was the bluest place I'd ever been to in my life. The sky was so fucking blue.
It was crazy. And I'm telling you, it's right there. Everybody always flies past it, but
he goes right by it. Just fucking, you got to go to it. I got to tell you, when you take
a shower there, you are going to taste fucking sulfur. That's a little gross, but other than that, it's fantastic. Okay. So I will definitely
be there, hopefully by the end of the year. Our painting of Jesus laughing. Dear Billy
Christ, my in-laws have had this hanging in their house since I've known them, and I get
a good chuckle every time I see it. Hope you do too man. At least one artist just depicts the guy is a jolly man
Now I got to go back because I copied and pasted it pasted it in it
copied and pasted oh
Yeah, it doesn't even look like Jesus I
Got a while we got a we, we gotta tweet that photo out.
What made him laugh like that?
Somebody was probably like,
Hey, you know, I banged a hooker like you.
Do I still have a chance to get to heaven?
Ha ha ha ha!
You know, he could have been laughing like that.
You're gonna be hanging on a cross like me there, Freckles!
All right, I'll definitely, I'll have to post it.
I'm sitting on my lower back again.
How does this happen?
I just slide down the fucking couch.
All right, Girlfriend's Dysfunctional Family.
All right, Dear Billy Boy, huge fan of pockets. Thank you. Anyways, I am a male in his early 20s living in a small one-bedroom
apartment with my girlfriend
Recently my girlfriend's mother has received a new job position
That's much closer to us and she is currently in the process of looking for a new place in our area. Oh
our area. Oh, Jesus. I am all for my girlfriend being able to be closer to her family. Why? Why would you be all for that? Be all for it if they're cool. I'm telling you right
now, do not marry anybody who does not have a cool fucking family. Okay? Because those
motherfuckers are going to be in your house. You think you're gonna marry her and then yeah
Yeah, all right. Take it easy. Dad. Dad. That that that that that you're just gonna fucking waltz her out the door for your wedding
No, they're gonna be calling your house. They're gonna be coming over. They're gonna want to fucking play with your kids
Okay, those people are you are marrying into the fucking family
So right now I think what you're doing is you're trying to be a modern man.
So you're just automatically going lay out. I don't know. I'm all for it.
I'm all for you expressing your opinions and having your mother be right across
the fucking street. Listen, I'm probably projecting here. Um,
like I said, thank God, thank Christ. Um,
the lovely Nia has a wonderful family. Um, thank God, thank Christ. The lovely Nia has a wonderful family. Thank God, thank
Christ because I know people in that situation, in that situation, like fucking misery, the misery
of the family. They retire and then they just move to where you are and then they just
come over all the fucking time and they have no fucking clue how annoying they are.
And then if the wife doesn't fucking say anything, you got to step up.
Oh, dude, fucking shit show.
All right.
Recently, my girlfriend's...
I'm all for my girlfriend being able to be closer to her family as I enjoy their company as well. Oh shit
You know what? I didn't read that part. Sorry
But the whole moving situation is starting to become a bit of a headache and is starting to impede on our own lives
Yeah, see you're young
You're in your early 20s. Okay. Here we go
My girlfriend's mother is currently in between places and might stay with us during the week.
However, this is not the worst of it. My girlfriend has three other siblings that her mother provides care for.
Two brothers and one sister. Her oldest brother, in particular, is a bit of a black sheep.
He is easily agitated by the smallest requests like cleaning up after himself or remembering to lock the door. He is careless when it comes to using other people's
belongings and does not clean up after himself.
Well, you know what?
That fucker, he can't stay there then.
I would be a bit more forgiving if he was younger than I am
but he too is in his early 20s like me.
Now having to deal with a family member like this
may not sound like an issue.
Dude, this is, this is, this is making, I'm breaking out in hives reading this thing.
This is how much of a fucking issue this is.
Uh, especially if your girlfriend does not address what a douche her brother is.
That's what you need.
Okay.
That's the keys to the castle.
Okay.
If there's someone in, you know, whatever, if you're a woman dating a guy, right?
If he has some, if his sister's a cunt and he won't address it on any level, I'm not
saying he literally has to drop the fucking, you know, the C note there, but you got, you
got to, you got to fucking fucking you got to address it.
Okay, you got to fucking address it.
All right.
So anyways, now having to deal with this, but, um, deal with a member like this may not sound like an issue today, but I learned that my girlfriend's mother asked to
bring my girlfriend's brother with her to stay with us for a few days.
Let's face it. It'll probably be longer than that.
After seeing firsthand how he acts with other people, especially his family,
I want to say no and be done with it.
But I'm sure this will open up more issues between myself and my girlfriend,
her mother, and possibly her brother.
Yeah, it'll bring up great issues.
The fact that her brother's a fucking selfish douche.
Dude, you are right now in the beginning of creating your adult life.
So when you feel no, you say no.
Alright? And if your girlfriend gets fucking pissed, then fuck her.
Okay? If she wants to break up with you, you know what you did, dude?
You just walked away from what... You know what? You fast forward.
You're fast forwarding through the fucking nightmare
and you're getting to the inevitable end
of the fucking relationship
without you being legally bonded to them,
without you having kids that half fucking look like her
and just remind you of them every fucking time.
You remind you of her every time you see him.
This is what you have to do.
You have to listen to your gut in life.
Your gut will tell you.
You're saying, I don't want to do this.
But then what happens is social politeness kicks in.
Well, ah, you know, it's only for a few days, ba ba ba ba ba.
I don't want to, hmm, hmm, hmm.
Fuck all of that.
Fuck all of that.
I'm not saying that you have to say it the way I'm saying it, but you have to have a sit
down and just be like, listen, I don't mind if your mother stay here, but I'm not comfortable with your
brother staying here.
And if she says, why it's my brother?
I'd be like, because he's inconsiderate and he's reckless with personal belongings.
He forgets to lock the door and all that.
And I don't think he's a responsible person.
And just let it sit there.
And if she has a fucking problem with it, who gives a fuck? You don't have to be disrespectful.
Just be like, I don't share your viewpoint and I live here too and I'm saying no, he can't stay here.
And then she'll have nothing to say other than, so you're saying you can't stay here?
She'll just start repeating what you're saying and be like, that is what I'm saying.
And then you let her huff and you let her puff and do all the fucking shit she's going to do.
And you don't let that fucking douche step into the house and look here's the thing do what do you?
What do you have to lose here?
Other than your own happiness you got to put a value on it anyways, let me just
continue on here
He says after seeing firsthand how he acts with other people especially his family. I want to say no
But I'm sure this open up more issues between myself, my girlfriend, her mother, and possibly her brother, as it is an issue with my
girlfriend and I have argued about it in the past. Oh yeah.
So you've already done it. Yeah, dude. All right. You're already knocked down.
You're already kicked in the door. Walk in. What would you do in this situation?
I think I've already said it. And is there any sort of advice you can give me?
If her brother does come
to stay for a few days, how should I treat him knowing he'd probably just get
agitated with me telling him to clean up after himself?
Thanks and go fuck yourself, dude.
This is the deal, dude.
This is, this is non-negotiable.
This is non fucking negotiable.
Okay.
This is your life.
Alright? And he's a fucking
douche and
listen man, if your
girlfriend can't see what a fucking asshole this guy
is. Dude, can you imagine
if your brother was like this
and it made your girlfriend feel
uncomfortable?
Would your brother be staying with you?
He makes me uncomfortable. I know he's with you he makes me uncomfortable
he's weird he doesn't pick up he smells my me undies whatever the fuck he's
doing you'd be like that's it you can't you can't be here you know I mean well
okay cuz you're a jerk off all right there's a super-rate down the street. Good luck to you. You know?
Um, I gotta tell you this.
This might be, this might be the old right there, Fred, for your fucking relationship,
okay?
You might have to throw down the gauntlet.
Alright, I gotta tell you, dude, if this, if this fucking asshole is already making you this fucking miserable, okay, just the
idea of him staying with you for a couple, two, three days. All right, are
you really going to marry this woman? You're going to marry into that with
that fucking shit show? And they'll be, ah, you know, marry,
and you're marrying me, you'll be very fucking sad.
Fuck that until he goes out
and he fucks his whole fucking life up, you know?
And what happens to you?
I'm assuming you're planning on being successful in life,
right, which means you're gonna go make a big bag of lute
and get yourself a whip, right?
Sorry.
No, you can have a nice car, you can have a nice house,
you can have a beautiful wife, you can have all that type of shit.
You know what, you know what cunts do?
Cunts think like, well, how come I don't have that?
It's like, well, cause you didn't work for it, stupid.
And they're not going to think that.
And they're going to want to come around and they're going to want fucking handouts.
And if she, and if, if that fucking jerk off knows that his sister is a big softie,
she's going to use her to get to you and all the shit that you fucking work for.
Okay.
I'm painting a very bleak scenario here, but
Dude you just you say no he can't stay here
You know and if it really comes down to just be listen, I don't like the guy
Okay
And I don't think it's I just think it's how he's wired because you turned out great
You guys both had the same fucking parents. I don't know what happened to I just think it's how he's wired because you turned out great. You guys both had the same fucking parents.
I don't know what happened to that guy,
but he's a fucking, don't say fucking,
that guy, he's just like, I don't want him here.
Your mother can stay here.
Plus that, it's only a one bedroom apartment, you know?
So we're going to be on top of each other
and I can't deal with that guy
when I'm at your mother's house.
Forget about in our one bedroom apartment.
I don't want that guy here.
I don't want his balls dangling in our fucking commode.
I don't want his pubes in my shower.
I don't want his hands in my, in the fridge.
I just don't want him here.
I don't want him here.
You know what's funny?
I don't even know this guy and I fucking hate him.
There's no fucking way, dude.
Please.
Can you please do this for yourself?
And this is a great exercise to have, you know, for both men and women, you can
flip this around, like learning how to stand up to the person that you're with.
You got to learn how to do that.
And you just, sometimes you just have to, you got to have a fight.
You just have to have a fight and, um, and there was a freedom to not giving
a fuck in a good way, what people think about you.
I mean, do you, who gives a fuck if some piece of selfish shit doesn't like you?
What the fuck do you care?
I, I, I, geez, I would, I'd be just openly, I don't like you.
Yes, you, I don't like you.
I think you're a piece of garbage.
And then he looks at his girlfriend.
He looks at your girlfriend or his sister.
You just bet.
Yeah, don't worry.
I already told her.
Oh, sir, please don't let him stay in your place and please write, write in and
please tell me, please tell't let him stay in your place and please write in and please tell me what
happened.
I don't know why, but I live for moments like this in life.
As much as I like making people laugh and that type of thing, I get even more enjoyment
telling pieces of shit, no, it's one of the great things and just the look on their fucking face because
the reason why a lot of pieces of shit are pieces of shit because people politely maneuver
around them. And when you can get that fucking mitt right in their face, you know, put your
hand right in their forehead. That's about far enough there Sparky. Oh, it's just, it's
one of the great feelings in life. I think that's why God made douchebags just so, you know, someone like yourself can have
that feeling.
I'm really coming off arrogant here.
I'm probably the douchebag too.
Anyways, all right.
Fiance's wedding plans.
Hey there, Billy Blue Band.
Blue Bland?
The fuck is that?
First, let me say, I can't see, I can't wait to see you in Orlando on May 7th. I don't
know why I haven't seen you perform live yet, but you are my you are the last on my top 10 comedians
to see before I die. Oh, Jesus. There's way more that you should see than that, but I am very
flattered that I am one of the 10. Okay, so he says I've been engaged for three years now. All right, dumper
You don't want to marry her. Do I really need to read the rest of this?
The fuck is engaged for three years
He said and me and my lady are in the first steps of finally planning our wedding
I'm I am simple and I'm and I'm okay with something small and would rather save money for our honeymoon
and down payment on the house.
And let me guess, she wants to spend a ton of fucking money.
My fiance wants a destination theme wedding.
I'm not opposed to compromise and have a destination wedding, but she wants the theme to be the
Little Mermaid in Hawaii.
She's adamant about this and has these horrible outfits picked out for the whole wedding party
to wear, including myself as Neptune.
I don't believe this.
I'm calling bullshit.
But you know what?
As always, I'll read it like it's true.
I'm 37 and she is 28, if that matters.
I sincerely love her, but she won't let this
go. And I absolutely refuse to go through with that. I don't want to lose her in my
life but I've tried everything I can think of to talk her out of it and honestly it's
a deal breaker for me. Please tell me your thoughts and if you have any advice I'd be
very grateful. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Alright, this isn't a joke question. You've been engaged for three fucking years. Okay. That's weird.
I think that's something going on there. And, uh, you know, you're,
you're a little bit country. She's a little bit rock and roll.
Remember that the old fucking Donnie and Marie show usually sometimes opposites,
you know, you know, she's that party. You, she completes you. I don't,
I don't think she's... This is a shit show.
If this is true, you are...
Do you understand that when you inevitably get divorced from this fucking woman, that
you are going to get no sympathy from anybody?
It will first be, oh my God, a divorce.
I heard, you know, other than losing a loved one, it's the most stressful thing ever.
But when you tell the story that you dressed like Neptune at your own fucking wedding
right then, everyone's going, yeah, well, you know, I fucking told you.
Yeah, dude, you walk away from it. You're 37. You're fine. You'll meet somebody else. Okay.
You don't have a biological clock. That's one of the great things about being a dude, you know,
but it all balances out because we die eight years before them, you know't have a biological clock. This is one of the great things about being a dude, you know, but it all balances
out because we die eight years before them, you know, so they get the little,
little bit, you know, live a little bit longer sitting in that coffee house,
you know, eating those fucking weird chocolates.
Um, he said, Oh, this is somebody else's.
I'm sorry.
I thought that's how he signed off.
Um, yeah, I would walk away from this whole fucking thing.
How many more red flags need to be shook in your face? You just walk away from the whole fucking thing.
Oh my God, dude, what kind of fucking issues does she have that she wants to have? Oh my
God. She, one of those women that has that goo goo Gaga, creepy ass fucking voice.
She talks like she's fucking six.
Oh God, that gives you the fucking chills.
Can you be a fucking adult over here?
What do you want? Do we mean what, what if you wanted a Scooby-Doo themed fucking wedding, right?
You wanted her to dress like fucking that with the Janine Garffalo redheaded one you know and her
sister to dress like Daphne and you were gonna be fucking shaggy the best man
was gonna dress like Fred with that scarf around his fucking why don't we
why the fuck I don't believe that question I just don't okay and if you
fucking marry her you deserve it you know when you come crying up to me, I'm going to steal
from that fucking tour. I fucking told you. All right. Squats. Hey, Billy Bird legs. That's
fucking hilarious. I've been listening to you talk about the way you work out of the
podcast and I got to chime in. Do some fucking squats, dude. Squats are not a leg exercise. They are a compound full
body movement. Oh, this is already making me tired. Put a couple hundred pounds on your
back. Just push your legs and watch while your frail, freckled spine gets twisted like
a pretzel. Well, why would I want to do that? Squats and deadlift, which I recommend too, need you to engage damn near every muscle
in your body.
If you want to put on some real muscle density, stop being such a cowardly little cut and
learn to squat and deadlift.
Dude, I don't want to walk around all bulked up, you know?
Start wearing tank tops.
I'm not trying to do that. Jesus Christ.
He said, I recommend watching Ed, COA and apostrophe, Ed's squat and deadlift
videos from super training on YouTube to start.
Dude, I'm not trying to get into the NFL.
Uh, then watch the rest of their content and learn what the fuck you're doing.
I wrote some stuff about my experience with adding squats and deadlifts to my
routine.
You can read it or not, just lift some heavy shit, stop being a bitch and go fuck yourself.
Alright, I like the way this man speaks.
He gets right to it, he's very direct.
My experience, when I was younger, I used to be a mirror muscles guy.
Mirror muscle guy too.
The fuck are you talking about, dude?
I got a pegboard, I got those atomic fucking, I'm trying to do like half, what are they, American Ninja
Warrior fucking thing.
I'm building that in my garage.
All right?
You with your fucking Schwarzenegger workout from 1978?
Stop acting like you're in the future, you fucking cunt. I was decent.
You know, you came in, you were talking a little bit fresh.
You need to fucking stand down a little bit here.
You said, then I got older and I started working in a chocolate factory.
You know, everything seems like a lie.
This you worked in a chocolate.
Were you in a fucking tree making cookies?
Amazingly, doing curls and benching 135 after spending the day sitting at my desk, shoveling
free chocolate in my face did nothing to stop my belly from growing.
Well, yeah, well, neither were doing squats.
Okay, if you don't fucking eat anything else but cookies.
Anyways, he goes, now I squat, bench, and deadlift like a powerlifter and I am stronger
and more jacked than I have ever been.
Yeah, and you stop eating chocolate
Not only do I actually have legs now, but my chest arms and back traps everything are bigger than ever I just I can't recommend the videos from super training enough. All right, I'll check it out
The guys are hilarious strong as fuck and there there is tons of great info on there
Anyways, I appreciate the podcast best of luck with the new home gym and again go fuck yourself. All right, cool
I will definitely check that out.
Thank you so much for that information.
Once again, for people at home, Ed, it says C-O-A-N-A-P-S.
For some reason, I don't, that looks like it's missing something.
But anyways, it's called Super Training.
So if you spell the name kind of like that, it ought to come up in your Your Google search there. Okay about driving and diving into caves
Hey Bill, you were talking about divers with those caves. Here's a documentary of Finnish guys
Who legally illegally who go illegally to their?
dead friends bodies
dead friends bodies
What from their last trip I think it was made illegal to go there after they died because it was too dangerous to go to those caves
But they went anyway and made a movie about it come to Finland soon and go fuck yourself
Well, why don't they retrieve the bodies is everybody lying to me this week? Why can't you be honest? All right the last one here?
Girlfriend is good friends with dude. She met on tinder
Hey Billy red Burke
Bork kind of I guess it's supposed to be like Ray Bork red Bork
So recently I was talking with my girlfriend about one of her guy friends.
The two of them seemed pretty close.
He did a photo shoot for a t-shirt company.
She's starting and she even said, we're like the same person.
Yeah, dude.
It's over.
It's over.
She hasn't blown him yet.
She's gonna walk away something. She's has said
Something she has said to me as we're talking she reveals that she met this dude off of the dating and
actually just about fucking app tinder before
Dude you wrote this so bad before she we got together
I'm just gonna read it how you wrote it I tried to play cool, let her talk about him and just brush it off as whatever. Dude,
this is the brainwashing of the American male now where everything is.
If you even question a woman, it's like, wait, was that date rape?
So you just ignore all your fucking instincts here. I tried to play it cool.
Yeah. Her douchebag brother who does totally inconsiderate wants to stay here.
You know, I'm all for that.
You're not all for that.
Your soul is screaming no.
You're playing it cool because you're not cool with it.
Yeah, why don't you go hang out with some fuck buddy you met on Tinder and see how she
fucking likes it, right?
Anyways, well the two of them text quite a lot and the other night she received something,
I think from him and she laughed.
Now I am ordinarily not a nosy type, but the situation is weird.
So I asked what's funny.
She flipped.
She said I'm being too nosy and trying to pry into her personal life.
Oh my God.
And then did you give her a sidekick right out of the fucking bed?
He goes, I mean, she really flipped a shit about it.
She claims I'm being paranoid and that they are just friends.
I don't know, Billy, if they fucked, what's to say they want to do?
What do you mean you don't know?
He finishes it with am I being paranoid?
Should I not give a shit?
Or should I kick this chick to the curb?
Dude, punter to the curb.
Right in the seat of her fucking lion pants yeah yeah and I would just say why you breaking up I go cuz you because the guy
on tinder completes you go get with him oh my god you're being paranoid no I'm
not you guys are fucking in my heart to hearts you guys are fucking and if you're
not you're gonna and to be honest with you you probably should be you're fucking
laying in bed with me giggling about his goddamn texts just go over there and suck
his dick already they give me my keys that's it it's fucking over all right
that's the podcast for this week go Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you Thursday
Emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and God is empty just like me I never let it out. I was on a sinking ship. I never let it out. Man.