Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-7-24
Episode Date: March 7, 2024Bill rambles about parking garage valets, world building, and getting drunk with DeRosa back in the day. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:36) - Thursday Throwback 3-7-16 Bill rambles about ...blow, cake, and the UFC. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Chico Hamilton - Conquistadors TOUR DATES: www.billburr.com/TOUR
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you.
What's going on? Oh, Billy's eating again. Oh, Billy French toast. Oh, Billy Fryface. Oh my God. It's fucking good to be back. I apologize for my last podcast.
Holy shit. That was like my 600 pound life meets a ball ginger. If you missed the podcast,
I couldn't stop talking about food because I do these fucking three day fast. Oh my God.
The only thing worse than doing a three day fast is knowing that people are sick of you talking about the three day fast.
Speaking of that, can you imagine when Jesus like fucking did some miracle and you one of his
the original entourage, the apostles and he got to just sit there and listen to him?
My god, he's telling that story again.
Hey, you know, he got a hooker, right?
Anyway, I was just hanging with my kids.
I was working on the script today
and doing some mass media to promote my dates
coming up in Gary, Indiana.
Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana.
That's the town that knew me when,
I hate all these people shitting on Gary, Indiana,
like, dude, what the fuck are you going there for?
Why shouldn't I go there?
It's an American city. It's going through a rough time. They could use some fucking laughs. They could use some help too
Why don't people help out cities that are in trouble? You know the government's not gonna do it
Politicians don't give a fuck they work for the corporations the corporations have been done with this country for a long time. They've moved on
to terrorizing and torturing other fucking people
with their fucking endless, I don't know, greed and want of everything in the fucking world.
But anyway, back to this. So tonight I came home.
And I was, you know, right writing a script, you come home,
you're like your brain is tired, right?
So I come home and I walk through the door of my kids,
you know, dad, come run it down.
My son's still little, so he like jumps up and down.
He jumps for joy when I come home.
It's fucking unbelievable.
And every time he does it, I try to take it in.
Cause like, you know, that ends.
You know, there's not too many times in your life that another human being is going to jump for joy
legitimately, not mocking joy, just legitimately feeling joy and it's gonna
jump up and down and scream your name just in excitement that you're there. I
mean I was just thinking that was basically Michael Jackson's whole life
speaking of Gary Indiana. Everywhere he went people jumped up and jumped for joy
and screamed his name.
I wonder if he ever just was thinking like,
oh my God, just okay.
I wonder if he ever thought,
what have I done with my life getting this fucking famous?
Like, how do I get out of this?
How do you undo this?
It'd be funny if you put out, you know, like they have the white album, Jay-Z has the black
album.
Can you imagine if like Michael Jackson did like the sabotage album and just put out the
shittiest.
But then people would be fascinated with how did his music get so fucking shitty?
There's just no way up.
Anyway, I don't know how the fuck I got onto that.
So I come home, and my son's jumping up and down.
My daughter runs over and hugs me.
It's just awesome.
And I just hung out with them.
And my daughter's reading me books now, which is amazing.
And she was making a list of stuff.
And she was like, OK, Dad, let's make a list of all the cartoons I like
and I said, alright
she goes, okay, what, I go, alright, the pink panther,
bug's bunny
and then she watches this Christmas one
of this guy, uh
these two polar bears, they're fighting over a Christmas tree
it always comes on after the Grinch, they watch the Grinch and then it comes on.
And I don't know if you ever watch it,
the bear's like, hey, you tricked me.
Talks like that, but you are an idiot.
Vincent Van Snow is one of the polar bears names
and then the other guy and they're fighting over
this fucking Christmas tree, right?
So then she goes, what else?
What else do I like?
And I was like, I don't know,
Sylvester and Tweety, she's like, what's that?
I go, I don't know, I'm naming cartoons that I watched.
And then I go, Mickey Mouse.
And she goes, no, I don't like Mickey Mouse.
I go, you don't?
She goes, no, I go, that's awesome.
And she goes, yeah, the voices are weird.
And then she did like this impression of Mickey Mouse
that like floored me.
And I just started cracking up.
I was so good.
I literally made her go upstairs and do the impression for my wife.
And then my son is like obsessed with AC DC.
And I have this little travel guitar and he puts it on him and he makes me put on
the highway to hell video.
And cause Angus is standing on his amp.
He stands up on the couch and he has his mouth hanging open and he's like nodding his head.
He's doing like this mimic of him.
And when Angus jumps down, he jumps down and he's just like hopping around the living room
with the guitar.
I'm just going like, I cannot, this is unbelievable.
Like is loving ACDC in my DNA or are, are, and it's like, no, it isn't, it isn't. It's even better than that. It's even better.
The answer is even better. ACDC is that good of a band.
That's what it is.
And whatever the fuck it is that they do that got into me is just so undeniable that
all these years later, I mean, he was listening to a song that's 40 years old over 40 years
and he was fucking losing his mind.
It was awesome.
And I just sat up and taken all these videos and stuff.
He was coming all the way up to the camera being like, dad, I be Angus watch.
Get up, they'll on the couch acting like he was standing up on a
Marshall stack. It was fucking amazing. Just an amazing, amazing day.
So I've been having a great time. Like I got a really good work schedule after
when things got a little crazy a few years ago. Now I kind of know how to do it. The perfect balance going out, going to three cool cities. I'm really excited to go to
all three of these schools. I schools cities, sorry, I'm still in dad brain. And I don't know, I am
of this mind now where it's up to regular people to help out other regular people That's the only solution the fact that we're going into another presidential election
And they're really acting like these two guys once again are the two best choices is
It's almost like they're daring you to just call their bluff of like all right
When did when did this the United States end exactly? Because this is this is
It's fucking ridiculous. So anyway, I don't know.
I did look at the news a little bit today,
which is not something I like to do.
Cause it's never good.
You notice that?
It's never fucking good.
It's somebody you loved, some famous person you love dies
or it's just some like really bad, just some bad fucking news.
Some bad goddamn news about something going on. Like I just saw in New York City that the
violence and craziness is so out of control in the subway
that they got to have armed guards down there, national guard that has to come down there
and shit.
And it's just like, you know, I don't know.
When will these corporate cunts just, they just take too much.
They take too much and it leads to these these times and
I don't know did people always have this belief that like you know
Money's lost and jobs are lost and da da da da and like like money isn't lost
It just transfers and always transfers to those people they fucking take too much and people get desperate
You don't take care of people with mental health problems and then regular fucking decent people just trying to get to work.
Of all colors, um, they have to fucking deal with the stuff and then the fucking assholes
who create the problem get to fly around in helicopters to work and whatever the fino
and their little fucking armadas, Illuminati shit.
I don't know if anything that's true, but it makes sense in my head.
Makes sense in my head.
Um, whatever, whatever.
I'm just trying not to be a fucking asshole.
I almost got into it with somebody today though.
You know, sometimes you just look at people, right?
You know, when they have a job that involves interacting with the public and you just look at them like why did you take this job?
You fucking hate this job, and you fucking hate people like
Why are you doing this? You hate your life right now, and you're just putting that energy off onto every fucking person you run into
Just don't get it.
I pulled into this parking garage, right, and I was late and they had a valet.
It was a real weird parking garage.
I get pointed and I followed the arrow and it led nowhere.
I had to back up and then I went down the thing.
I go, all right, I guess I'll park it myself.
Then I come around the corner and there's the valet and he's sitting at a fucking podium
and he's staring at his phone, which everybody does, right?
So I pull up and he's still staring at his phone and I'm looking at him, then he looks
up at me and then he just goes and makes this big sweeping thing at this parking spot, like
fucking park it here.
I'm thinking like, well, that's your fucking job.
It says valet.
What do you got?
Hop over the counter.
I got to make my own fucking sandwich?
Why are you staying there with an apron?
The fuck are you doing, right?
So, I'm fucking pulling into the parking spot.
I'm just like cursing this guy out in my car.
I'm gonna fucking jerk off.
Do your fucking job or quit, right?
And I'm thinking like, you know what?
Who the fuck wants to do this for a living?
Maybe he's on his phone because he's working on the next thing in his life.
I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
I was trying to put a positive spin on it.
Then I got out of the car and he was kind of like a nice guy.
So then I kind of felt bad.
Then I just, the whole day I just been doing the math, going like, no, I'm right.
If you can fucking valet and somebody pulls up
You fucking get up and do the job
Like how much fucking empathy do I have to have for another fucking person?
Right
I don't know
Anyway
Facebook season is coming up
NHL playoffs, NBA playoffs, March madness,
Formula One started last weekend.
I have no idea who won.
I did record the race.
Maybe I'll try to watch that tonight.
I have no idea.
I don't know.
I'm feeling like all fucking,
I always get like this like a couple days
before I go on the road. I'm just like this like a couple days before I go on the road
I'm just like I should do this. I should do this
Just I don't know what is I'm guys
I don't I don't think I've ever felt more out of my fucking mind than I have in the last couple of weeks
I don't know what is going on with me. I think I just I think I'm just having a little bit too much
I had a little bit too much fucking free time and a little too much time to let the marbles roll around in the head.
And you know, I find that being busy is like a good thing.
Oh my God, I just talked about Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
He's just sitting there typing that over and over and over again.
Oh, fuck, the Oscars.
You know what's hilarious?
The Oscars this year, this weekend, and I tried to watch every best picture.
I got about halfway through them and then I just, I don't know what happened.
Like most of my things, I got halfway done with it and then I didn't complete the project.
And then, but at least this year, I was gonna be able to have some legit reactions
and I was gonna be able to sit down
and watch it with my lovely wife.
And I'd actually know some shit for once
because usually I sit there and I'm like, who's that?
What was that?
Was that a good movie?
Should I watch that?
And she's like, shut up!
You know, that'd be like, you know, she doesn't
want football. Who's he? Is he good? Why did he do that? Is that a penalty? What's the game?
Like, I'm literally doing that as she's sitting there trying to watch the thing. And she goes,
fuck, that's her. Like my wife loves that shit. She watches the whole, when they walk down the carpet,
she likes seeing who's with who, who's where and what.
And I just know on that day,
that is my day to fuck off and leave her alone.
But this year, you know, I don't know,
I got in, there was a lot of really good movies,
a lot of really good movies. a lot of really good movies.
And I went out to go see him,
some of them I watched at home,
and you know, I was kind of like interested.
Like I told you before, I was like,
how the hell is Barbie like nominated for Best Picture?
And then I sat down and watched it.
I got like a minute into it going like,
this is fucking amazing.
Just how it looked.
It looked like fucking Alice in Wonderland type of shit.
Like the kind of thing like you could like,
you didn't necessarily need to be on psychedelics,
but if you were, it could be pretty,
you know, it was almost like, you know,
a little Wizard of Oz kind of thing,
going with the weird cars in two different worlds., a little Wizard of Oz kind of thing, going to weird cars
In the two different worlds. There was a lot of that type of shit like I never, you know I hate to say this. I never really saw Allison Wonderland. I know she goes down a hole
Is that not why they say you went down a rabbit hole when they talk about going on YouTube?
Is that an Allison Wonderland thing?
I remember Grace Slick sang about it.
I know it was the guy with the hat with the high-pitched voice,
but I always got it a little confused with Winnie the Pooh,
because he was also in, like, some alternate reality
where he was like friends with a bear.
Um, that was just, I don't know what was going on with the bear.
It was just I don't know what was going on with the bear was just like
It just wasn't it was
More like a teddy bear like it wasn't acting like a bear like it never fucking mauled him
For no reason and I think he had a vest. I
Don't remember like all of that shit. He used to come on like once a year
So I think you couldn't watch it like over and over again. But I never saw Alson went like,
wait up to get back to it like,
like as far as cinematically,
like just how they had to create a whole other world.
I think that that has to win something
for the costumes or something.
And I think everything else just comes down to your preference. I'd
have to say Anatomy of a Fall, the script writing, the fight, the husband and
wife fight in that fucking movie. I just thought that's as good as it gets as far
as like writing or whatever. Look at me me look at me. I'm not like this
I'm talking about this shit like like I
Never know all this stuff. So I'm so pissed. I still haven't seen Oppenheimer
There's a couple more that I need to go see and I'm not gonna have time to see him
But anyways, I was all excited that I could actually the Oscars could be on and I wouldn't get
thrown out of the room because I was annoying the shit out of everybody in the room finally and where am I going to be I'm
gonna be in the road but I'm gonna be in Detroit which is gonna be a good time
great fucking sports fans there hockey fans I'll never forget a long time ago I was playing that comedy club Kickers.
And afterward I was having a beer, it's how long ago it was.
And I was hanging out with some people from the show and we all started talking hockey
and I was seeing how I wanted to go to Joe Louis Arena before the new one came, which
I ended up doing by the way, which was awesome.
And I just started talking to Hockey
and one of the people there was this woman
and she fucking jumped in.
And it was like her knowledge of Hockey,
I was just like, I feel like I'm in Massachusetts right now.
This is fucking ridiculous.
Like they don't make, like there's women like that
in Pittsburgh,
Boston, Detroit, like just a savage hockey. I had to shut up. I had some of the names I didn't know who the fuck she was talking about. And I started talking to this a while ago. We was talking about
that how in the 90s, there was a moment there with that, that red wings, Avalanche rivalry was,
it was as good as it got.
I mean, that was, it was as good as like Bruins, Canadians, when both teams are good,
like the level of entertainment that that was.
And I remember that woman just going off on Claude Delmieux.
And I said, Oh yeah.
And then Claude wouldn't drop the gloves.
She goes, yeah, fucking pussy. He turtled and just started going off. I was like, God, this is amazing.
So that's not a bad thing to go there. All right, Shynola's out there, great American
company. I bought one of their watches, make a great bicycle.
So whatever, so I'm gonna be out there people, let me know where should I go to where the coffee spots,
where the food spots, give me something to do
while I'm out there.
Oh my God, this is fucking embarrassing as shit.
You know what I think I'm bringing with me?
I'm bringing a yoga mat.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Do you know how you get away with traveling with a yoga mat is whatever shit your guy
friends give you, you just admit to it.
Whatever they start saying to you, you're like, yeah, that's right.
That's right.
The biggest you ever going to meet.
That's right.
That's right.
I am 100%.
I am, yep. That's right. I am 100%.
I am, yep, that's exactly what I am. Thank you, I agree with you entirely.
And you know what, it feels good.
Feels good, you wanna do some yoga with me?
It's sorta like Twister meets a bathhouse.
I know, I've kinda come to the realization that like,
I know, I've kind of come to the realization that like,
you know, unless I'm gonna start doing fucking drugs, I'm gonna start doing a cycle,
be a fucking standup comedian, like taking HGH,
I'm not fucking doing to do what,
like fucking grip the mic stand, you know?
I'm not doing that, but like, oh, so I gotta be careful.
I don't fuck my shoulders up again
because I always end up, you know, in your head.
If you grew up in my generation, in your head,
you know it's the most you ever benched.
You know how much you ever curled.
You know what your personal bests are.
You don't even share them with other people.
Other people, you probably lie.
You add 15, 20 pounds, but in your head,
you know what the real number is.
All right, and there is that thing, you know, cause we add 15, 20 pounds. But in your head, you know what the real number is. All right?
And there is that thing, you know,
because we all know we're gonna die someday.
But you just feel like my generation, generation X,
that if you can bench what you could have benched
in the 80s and 90s,
then that means you're not gonna die anytime soon.
That was our hard test.
We didn't go and you couldn't fucking,
whatever the fuck it is they do now,
like check your widowmaker, you didn't.
It was just like whatever you could fucking bench.
And it was all about benching, okay?
Maybe curling, nobody gave a fuck about anything else.
Squats, your backs, none of that shit.
I do remember there was always that guy at the gym
that did the lat pulldowns that,
dude, he does the whole fucking stack.
There was always that guy. And like like but nobody could ever do the whole stack without making like
fucking animal noises. And you always knew they were you'd be on the other side of the gym and just
hear. And then the last one is when he would just let the stack fall and you felt like the gym floor like move
Oh dude, if you weren't there in the 80s man, it was great. Have two people walking around the gym
They look like they were ready to do a wrestling promo. It was fucking amazing. There was bandanas neon
It people with fake fucking tans. It was fucking amazing. It was bandanas, neon, people with fake fucking tans.
It was ridiculous.
It was like one Mr. Wonderful macho man,
Randy Savage, the Hulkster,
all of these people just walking around,
upper bodies just fucking yoke.
Just massive upper bodies.
And some of them
like never did their legs ever.
They would have like a fucking Hulkoge and torso and arms
and then they would have like on top of on the bottom
that would be like flamingo legs.
It was fucking unbelievable.
They literally look like they just somehow,
they were paralyzed from the waist down,
and this is the first day they learned
how to fucking stand up.
That's how fucking skinny their legs were, it was unreal.
So anyway, yeah, so I got back in,
I've been doing just like just doing some yoga
and some light weights and shit like that.
And I'm thinking like, all right, Bill,
what are you trying to bulk up for?
Okay, you know, that rugby game you're not playing.
You know, what are you doing?
Are you trying to be like the fucking over 55 ringer
for some softball team?
Like what are you getting all jacked up for?
You don't need to be doing this stuff just be flexible lean and mean so I am I
swear to God I can't say without laughing I'm bringing my yoga mat on the
road I'm gonna have it slung over my shoulder but I'm a big believe you bring
your own fucking yoga mat.
I fucking, you know, there's two things that I just never got into.
Like smoking weed with other people,
especially strangers, just passing that fucking bone around
and people slobbering all over it.
It was so fucking gross.
I was just like that alone.
I was like, I'm all set on that drug.
And then cocaine that was like one straw and it was like, I'm all set on that drug. And then cocaine, there was like one straw
and it was up somebody else's fucking nose.
Like, maybe you had a number of dollar bills.
I don't, everything was sharing.
Everything would like drugs involved sharing something.
Needles, straws, putting your mouth on the same joint.
It's like, fuck that, I'm gonna drink.
I got, this is my glass, that's your glass.
Stay the fuck away from me, right?
But don't go too far I need somebody to fucking shoot the shit with this I get hammered here, you know, oh god
That sounds great right now
That sounds great right now fucking beer and a shot
Just watching some fucking college hoops or some shit like that fan fucking tastic
college hoops or some shit like that, fan fucking tastic. There is a world people. There is a world and there is a number in my head. There's a number in my head, money in the bank, certain age,
I walk away from it all and then I just go straight fucking Ernest Hemingway, right down to the bar,
straight fucking Ernst Hemingway. Right down to the bar, just fucking line him up.
You know, cheap American beer.
I would go Miller High Life.
And then if I was gonna do shots,
what's something that went down halfway decent
that wasn't fucking ridiculously expensive?
Cause now I'm retired, right?
I don't know what makers
You ever drink so much of the same liquor that you just all of a sudden you just fucking can't stay like makers
Got I got like that. I would look at the bottle. I just feel like I get queasy
I never puked off of it. I probably did
How fucking dumb was that I used to drink it, you know was still like drinking until puking in my 40s.
Not a lot, but it would happen.
I still never forget that time. I was with fucking De Rosa.
I was with Joe De Rosa and we were in
Boston.
And I'm not gonna say who it was, but it was a former
uh professional athlete.
And we started drinking with this person.
And this person was as great at drinking as they were at what they did professionally in sports.
And this is just a point of that evening that I don't remember.
And I can't remember how the fuck we got home.
We were walking back and I remember there was this super angry fucking jacked kid with
his girlfriend and there was a shorter kid with his girlfriend and it was freezing cold
out and it was like fucking whatever 3-4 in the morning and this kid was walking by homeless
people sleeping in stairs, screaming,
wake up, get a fucking job.
Like just the classic,
my dad used to beat the shit out of me energy, right?
And it was just one of those things for you.
Like if I even remotely make eye contact with that kid,
he is gonna beat the fuck out of me.
And I am too old. I was
always too old for that. So I just kept cross because he kept crossing the street. I kept
trying to be on the opposite side of the street. And so me and Rosa got back to the fucking
hotel. I don't even remember where the fuck we were staying. Maybe the Liberty. I think we
walked all the way back to the Liberty.
No, there's no way we went that far.
Cause we were at the Wilbur.
We were somewhere between there.
I can't remember.
I just remember the next morning I woke up
this pounding fucking headache and I went into the bathroom
to take a leak and there was a giant leaf
in the fucking toilet.
Like the kind that you would pick as a kid and trace or whatever you used to do
with the crayon or something.
And I was just like, how the fuck did that get in there?
You can't open the windows.
And I must have fell down at some point
on the way home, you know,
cause it was one of those fucking New England,
like it was the fall.
So it was like, you know, at night, like the grass is all wet and there's like leaves and
shit.
I must have tripped and fell at some point and I had like leaves and sticks and shit on
me and I stumbled in and went to the bathroom and one of the leaves fell off on the, that
is one of the things that has perplexed me.
Perplexed, hope I use that right for a long fucking time.
Every once in a while I just think about that.
How the fuck did that end up there?
It's always a safe assumption that it was the booze.
So anyway, as I've been saying, you know,
I don't talk a lot of shit,
but I've been having some of know, I don't talk a lot of shit, but I've been
having some of the best shows of my career, and I've been having so much fun on the stage,
and I don't know, I'm like just writing this fucking script, so I'm not really living
a lot of life right now, and I don't know where it's coming from.
Every fucking day I'm thinking, that's a good idea, and I try it, and it seems to work don't know where it's coming from. Every fucking day I'm thinking, oh, that's a good idea. And I try it and it seems to work.
Although I did bomb with some shit the other night.
Told you I was trying to,
trying out this bit about having your affairs in order
when after you die and holy shit did that eat a fucking dick.
Oh my God.
And then after I did it, immediately after I did it,
I was like, why would I think that that would work?
Look how young these people are. they're not thinking about this shit
Stupid it was just every other premise was working. I was like all right. I'm gonna try this one
Let me give them let me just throw this one out there
Got a nice front kick back from the crowd right to my fucking chest and I was like all right. I get it
Time to go to the proven stuff.
All right, so that's it.
I hope you guys are having a good week.
I hope some lot of positive stuff is happening in your life.
And if you're struggling with anything,
you know, I hope it all turns around for you.
You know, what I don't know, that's my new vibe.
I don't like all this meanness and fucking ugliness and all this shit that's going on out there.
And I gotta tell you, I've been on fucking Instagram for like two weeks now. I don't miss it.
I miss some of it. I miss looking at the cars and watching.
I did take a peek at those, you know those tigers and they fight those, they're like mini bears.
But they're fucking ferocious and they just, you know, the tiger could kill it,
but it's just the amount of damage
that he's gonna have to take to kill it.
It's just not worth it.
And it's funny, because the bear kind of gets up and he,
he almost looks like it's like see-through.
He looks like, like, it's like a flying squirrel
in a bear fucked.
But he makes himself big and he makes,
and they're ferocious and they have no goddamn fear whatsoever.
I mean, what else they gonna do?
I mean, they don't stand up for themselves.
They're literally gonna die.
And I've never seen a tiger beat one of those things.
So I did watch one of those videos quickly
because I was thinking like maybe this is the one.
And so for some fucking reason,
I'm rooting for the tiger to kill the little bear
Just because you know
I'm sick of people saying like yeah the bear would beat him and it's like no the tiger just doesn't want to take it's not
It's not worth it to the tiger. This is about
You can't even say a tiger is a bully. He's not a bully because it
Follows through like he fucking kills you. He's a bully. He's not a bully because he follows through. Like he fucking kills you.
He's a murderer is what a tiger is, right?
Anyway, but I've been off that for a minute.
I go on twice a day, once in the morning, once at night,
and I just answer my emails, the texts,
whatever the fuck you call them.
And then I run away from it because if I don't,
I mean it's just too, I can't handle it, man.
I'll fucking be on it the whole time.
All right, I've always stayed here.
That is the Thursday afternoon podcast
just before Friday, Monday, Monday podcast.
I hope you guys have a great weekend, you cons.
And I will talk to you on Monday.
Please enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thunless.
And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast to follow.
All right, that's it.
I'll see you. Yeah baby! Yeah baby! Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby!
Yeah baby! Yeah baby! Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burns.
Time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 7th, 2016.
What's going on?
How are you?
How was your weekend?
Do you listen to the weekend? I can't feel my face when I'm with you, but I like it.
Oh, what are you doing, man? You fucking some chick on blow? You didn't do blow when you were with her.
Now you're with her. Now you're doing blow? Boy, I can't believe that shit came back. You know, I thought Coke was just
done. You know, after all the people did what they did from my generation, you would think
that the next generations would be like, you know what? Yeah, I'm going to stay away from
that shit. Right? It's not our works. One generation does it. Like my generation, we were like,
wow man, let's stay away from, hey man,
like let's stay away from LSD and heroin
because that's like a bad trip, man.
And then we fucked with like Coke and crack, crank,
all of that shit, right?
That ruined all of our fucking lives.
And then the next generation was just like,
yeah man, fuck all that stuff.
Let's fuck with crystal meth, right?
So now this next wave is like fuck crystal meth.
You know, let's kick it old school,
let's go back to the coke, right?
You have an entire generation of people
that not only can't fill their faces,
but yeah, evidently they like it.
Oh god, where do you go from there?
Sorry, I'm trying to update my musical taste.
I've decided that after fucking 40 years of listening to the same fucking 10 bands, you
know, not 40, like 30.
I mean, Jesus Christ, how many fucking times can you listen to it?
I was like, those, you have those people walking in the circle in the jail at midnight express
Remember that when they walk and counterclockwise and then the dude is gonna escape with you had the drugs, you know
Whose girlfriend put a titties up against the glass. He started walking around the other way. Remember that?
Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. I'm walking around the other way and every my generation is just going what are you listening to this shit for
it's like I don't how many times can you listen to that for fucking 30 years I
gotta get I just yeah I would like to listen to something new.
So the lovely Nia was watching all the performances from the Grammys last night, so I just started
downloading everything that I would see, whether I liked it or not.
I'm like, I'm just going to listen to this shit.
You know, it's kind of like when I try to put a new hour of stand up together where I'm
just like, ah, you know, this doesn't, this isn't a good idea, but I'm going to say it anyways, because I can't say the other
shit because that's coming out.
So I just start throwing shit against the wall.
So this morning I was listening to, I listened to a little bit of the weekend.
Dude sounds just like Michael Jackson, right?
I think he does.
And who else did I download?
That girl looks like MC Search.
All right?
The fuck's her name?
I don't know.
She was thinking about a relationship and she was over it.
She just looked like she had this high top fade, you know, but also knew how to make
a fucking rocket. She looked really smart. You know, yet like you wouldn't
want to fuck with I don't know, she kind of had it all going on. It's like, is this a
nerd? Is this a bully? Is this a rapper? Or is she a witch? But the band is fucking great, so she, I don't, you know, after all
of that shit, I'm probably not gonna say who the fuck it is, even if I figure it out,
because I don't want to shit on people like that. Anyways, had a killer SG though, the
fucking three pickups, you know, that surfin' green, they went out, they crushed it, right?
I actually saw what's his face there, the fucking, uh, the dude who's getting the worst tattoos ever.
He's got the Lamborghini and fucking, uh,
didn't like Ella. No, Kishan Johnson chased him up his front door.
The fuck is his name? Justin Bieber. I actually watched that. That guy can sing. He's fucking talented. I just don't, you should just,
just do that.
I can sing he's fucking talented. I just don't you should just just do that
Just do that stop filming yourself playing basketball and whatever else it's doing mean mugging
You fucking go pro just sing your song and fucking go home. Well, why wouldn't you do that?
It's actually a talented kid. Although I didn't like when he threw the acoustic guitar down in the end
You know, what are you fucking Pete Townsend? You're not. Okay. You got the
interior fucking monitors that you're protecting your hearing. Okay. You're not, you're not.
Nobody's blowing up a drum set and part of the fucking drum set goes right in your fucking
ear. Okay. Nobody's getting crushed at your fucking concerts. They've worked all of that out.
You know, I'm sorry. See, and then I go right back to the grumpy old man. I've seen all of this before.
I'm just, I'm trying to give the kid a copy, he's fucking really talented, he can actually really say.
So anyways, and then I was listening to the other dude there with the fucks his name.
I can't, for the life of me, I don't understand why I can't just download shit and then just find it.
And every fucking time it goes back to the album thing.
I like it when they just list the songs.
I don't need to see the picture of the album.
Every time this happens, I forget how to do it.
Oh, okay, artists, songs.
There we go. Oh, and speaking of which, on everybody was sending a bunch of...
Each week when I do the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning
podcast, you know, when we go into the greatest hits of the Monday morning
podcast, there's always a little musical interlude. I do not pick that music.
That's Andrew Thimlis, and then he posts on the Twitter site what the name of the music is.
So last week it was Snarky Puppy.
Okay?
That's who the fuck it was.
He posts it every week.
Just fucking look it up.
All right?
At the MM podcast or some shit.
I forget what the, I don't know what the Twitter account is.
What am I going gonna follow myself?
Um, anyways, plowing ahead.
So Friday night, oh, freckles!
I took a night off from stand-up, alright?
Friday night's a big night to take a night off.
That's like not showing up Thanksgiving, you know, if you like to eat, you know?
So I went down to the Wiltern Theatre
and with Andrew and I saw Mute Math and they were fucking unbelievable.
Cannot, I tweeted, I cannot overstate how great a fucking show that was and I wish I
remember the name of the opening band too, they were all so great but what just killed
me was I had never been to a show like that, like whatever that style of music is.
I don't even know what the style of music is, but just going from, you know, the shit I've been listening to for 30 years straight.
Welcome to the JET GUN!
Right?
You're walking in bars, driving in cars.
Right, I listen to the same 90 songs for 30 fucking years in a row.
Never wanted to be that guy.
So just going to those, seeing those bands, just how they use guitar where it's more
used for like mood.
When I was growing up, the guitar was like the dick that got thrown on the table right
just slapped you right in the face with it there was always the lead singer and then you had the
guitar god and then the fucking dude playing rhythm guitar who was not appreciated until at least
25 years into that band's career you know like Malcolm Young really didn't get his props until
till like the mid 90s I feel Brad Whit Whitford, same fucking thing. You know, Ronnie
Wood, all of these guys just playing rhythm guitar, holding the whole fucking thing together,
right? And they don't get shit for the longest fucking time. But Jesus Christ, mute math
live, man. They're fucking unreal. So by the way, they're playing Portland Oregon tonight.
That's Monday, depending on when you listen to this Tuesday, they're in Seattle, then they're off for a week, and then they start back up again in Richmond.
If you get a chance to see them, you will not be disappointed.
And if you're an old fuck like me, they are a great band to go see, to try to bring you
into the modern era.
You know, if you're listening to this, come on, you can't tell me, somebody's a little
bit younger than me. You haven't been listening to that fucking pearl jam record 10 you know whether
all giving each other the high five the big bro picture we're all in this together man right
um you can't tell me that you haven't been listening to that. How many times are you gonna be like Jitterbug is spoken Yeah, hey
Woof, woof, woof, woof
Fucking 25 years later
I'm not saying don't ever listen to it again
Right?
Look, you can do whatever the fuck you want
But I never wanted to be that guy going, ah, this is him music
Right?
Then going into my house babba-dabba-boop-boop-ba-dee-ba-deabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabadabad way I'm gonna miss that. You know, guys, one of the greats, he is the guy, you know, I think from
that whole fucking era, other than Jimi Hendrix, I think you got to give it to Jeff Beck, right?
Man out of my mind, I'm sure there's some black guy out there that I'm forgetting,
you know, who got stolen from. But I'm just, as far as white dudes who listened to black dudes
and then reshaped it, right? I think you gotta give it to that guy.
No? Well, you know, it's just my opinion.
You know, gotta get fucking upset by it.
So anyways, what I'm obsessed with right now
is far like the drummer Darren K. The guy's fucking insane.
And it was funny because, you know, Andrew got to know
those guys, so I got to go backstage and meet him briefly and, uh,
you know, after the show, they were going, Hey, did you learn anything watching our drummer? And I
was just like, no. And I heard the drum, Darren goes, Oh, like, I didn't mean it. I hope I didn't
come off in an insulting way. It's like, dude, I can get too fucking far beyond anything that I'm
doing. Watching him, it was like watching like Keith.
It was like Keith Moon playing drum and bass.
And then they have this sick ass fucking light show going on.
And I was just sitting there squinting watching just going like, what?
What is he doing?
Ain't no fucking clue.
I did take one video while that while they were playing because I, it's coolest,
you know, the iPhone is and how great the video is and everything. I just fucking hate
like being at something and then just sitting there filming it like I'm working for CBS
Nightly News or some shit. It's like, I want to stand here and I want to take this in.
There's enough other cunts here like filming this shit. I can watch this. It'll be on the internet
forever. Right? So anyways, there's a song clipping that they play. And I had no idea
what he was doing. And Andrew was going, watch what he does here. And he literally has like
two drumsticks and two drumsticks
in his right hand and he's playing this is going to be some drum geek shit so you might
want to pass through this he's put as far as I can tell he's basically playing 60th no
triplets that the two to three four right but he's only he's playing like he's doing
it with two sticks in one hand so the one one on top, sitting at the top of the hi-hat,
the one underneath is hitting the bottom of the hi-hat.
So up top, what he's really just,
he's playing like every other note of the triplet,
like da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da.
But he gets the, as he's bringing that stick up,
the one underneath hits it.
So that's how he gets the full 16th note, right?
Sorry, I know this is really nerdy shit.
And then with his left
hand, he's basically ghosting the offbeat and then playing the backbeat on two and
four and then dragging, I believe, on the final note of the triplet into one. That's
what he's doing. Now, I know that's drum nerd shit, but I'll post the video.
It's fucking insane.
So of course I went down to the studio the next day and I tried to do it for like 10
minutes.
And whatever you learn something, the first thing you do is you immediately try to play
it at the same tempo as the drum god that you saw playing it
So it was really fucking frustrating. I think I said what the fuck like ten times and then I just you know
Just scrolled through my iPod iPad whatever my iPhone and I just hey, hey mom
I just started playing in the same shit I've been playing to for 30 fucking years. I don't know what my deal is. I can't get out of it.
Thank God I buy new clothes. You know, if you should be like, you should be forced to wear the
clothes. If you don't move ahead artistically, your wardrobe shouldn't either. You should be forced
to fucking wear the same. I should be wearing acid wash jeans with the fucking half shirt
driving down the street. My rusted out 83 Ford Ranger and they'd be like, listen, if
you're not going to progress with the art of music or whatever, if you're going to watch
the same 10 fucking films. Yeah, I had no idea how far behind I was. So I'm looking at mute
math like they haven't been fucking crushing it for
ten years. I actually went on the internet and I looked them up and they like did Letterman
2005. There you go, Bill. Way to be on the cutting edge. So whatever. I feel like I took
a major step forward, but I want to thank everyone in the band for, you know, letting
us come back and say hello real quick.
Darren, Paul, Roy and Todd, you guys were fucking, you crushed it.
And thank you to Andrew for taking me down there and pointing out what the fuck was going
on so I could, you know, so the old man could figure it out.
But I will definitely see those guys whenever I'm in a city that they're in and I'm able
to do it.
It was that good of a fucking show. And like I said, they're in Portland, then Seattle,
and they got a week off, then they're in Richmond. So definitely check it out. Anyways, plowing
ahead here. So that was my Friday. All right. So as a comedian, there's no way you take
a Friday Saturday off unless the UFC has a fucking pay per view and it's caught
on my grata and Holly Holman fighting, right?
So I'm like, all right, I gotta watch.
I thought they were both title fights.
I didn't realize that Conor's fight was not a title fight.
I think most people didn't realize that most people like me got drawn into a sport when
there's someone like his, you know, I go in and out of the UFC, you know, like most shit.
I go in and out of cooking. I go in and out of being a good comedian, I'm just, I'm in and out, right?
I'm a fucking Gemini, I'm into it, I'm into it, go fuck yourself.
Hey, remember that shit, then I come back, right?
Except with my music, I just held onto it for just a little, a little too, you know,
you can't always get what you want.
What am I talking about anyway so
we have a bunch of people over right we go out i go to the grocery store i get a bunch of i get
some booze i get i get some gabo goo i get some fucking agibarol i get some fucking cheese and
all of that shit all right i go and I get a bunch of ice cream sandwiches
after everybody's all fucking salted up with the Doritos
and we sit down to watch the shit
and what a fucking pay-per-view, man.
You know, spoiler alert!
You know, if you haven't heard yet, I'm gonna say who won.
Misha Tate, beat Holly Holm, you know?
And Nate Diaz beat Conor McGregor.
It was fucking unreal.
Did anybody else host a UFC Fight Party?
How fucking satisfied did you feel?
It was unreal.
I had like 10 people screaming,
oh my God, over and over again,
like twice in one night, flipping the fuck out, more screaming and yelling
during that pay-per-view than I've heard in any Super Bowl,
you know, I don't know, Super Bowl party
that I've been to in a while.
It was unbelievable, but Jesus Christ.
Once again, I always hate when a comedian is getting ready for a special or a late night
spot and they say that they trained like a fighter.
It's so disrespectful to what the men and women do who fight for a fucking living.
It is the most badass.
I'm trying to think of a more badass job than that other than you're one of the grunts on
the front line in a war.
I mean your fucking job is you just train you're training to beat the fuck out of somebody who's
training to beat the fuck out of you when you both are professionals you do it for a living.
A whole crowd of people shows up you ever have a fight after school and like 10 people showed up
it was fucking nerve-racking.
Fight, fight, fight. These guys walk into a fucking arena.
Shirtless, just walking down there and they got to stare down some fucking maniac.
I live on the ground, right? And they're just taking fucking elbows and they have the presence of mind to look over at the clock like how much more of this shit
I another minute 38 of
Four arms to my fucking
Forehead, I don't know how they take it so
Unbelievable fight I didn't realize that Connor had gone up in two-way classes like I said I'm a very like novice
fan of this stuff
But Jesus Christ, fucking Nate D is sitting at his whole
face is all bloody. And he says, you know, I got this, I've taken your worst shot,
she can't knock me out. That's just scar tissue. I've bled before. I don't know.
I don't know how the fuck you do that. He was bleeding so much, it looked like
both of them were bleeding to death because he once he got up against
McGregor, well, it was all over both of them
I don't know. I really don't have anything to say other than I was blown away by both fucking fights and
You know as hard as it is to what I was was to watch Karna lose because I mean the guy's a fucking superstar
Talking shit and then backing it up
It was you know watching Nate do his
Choking of fucking I was I was fucking unreal. I don't I don't know enough about the sport to talk about it intelligently
But I will say this I hate when someone like Connor loses
And then everybody yeah, you're fucking pussy say all that shit on the
internet you know go on Twitter and start trashing the guy you know I want to
talk to people right now if you're one of those people that do how do you how
do you like how do you do something like that and like look yourself in the
mirror when you go to brush your teeth that night you know no one you haven't
had a fight since like the seventh grade you know the fuck is wrong with you. And if you talked all that fucking shit, that's what made it great!
Selling the fight!
I don't know.
How great was that fucking lies?
You just knocked out Conner- or choked out Conner McGregor.
How does it feel?
He grabs it and Mike goes, I'm not surprised, motherfuckers.
I don't know about
you guys that's one of the fucking coolest things I've ever seen the fucking
choke out someone as good as McGregor that stand up all fucking bloody and
just walk around flexing not even wiping the blood off not concerned about how
fucked up your face is you don't give a fuck, right? Whatever. Jesus Christ, the second
I got a little scratch, I would have just, oh my God, am I bleeding? Get him off me!
That was great to see Misha went to, but as a fellow fair skinned person, I felt bad for Holly Holm.
You know, just the second we start getting beat on, just our face just gets so fucking
red and then our yellow eyebrows stand out.
I just thought there was a lot of mean shit said about her when it came to that.
I just really related to it.
By the way, what the fuck happened to Nate's the side of his face and his neck.
Those scratches? How did that happen?
Like somebody took like a fucking,
you know what you got?
Somebody took a knife down the side of his face and his neck.
He's just sitting there pawing at it.
I've gotten scratched like that.
Every time somebody like exhaled,
just the wind of that made me go into the fetal position.
like exhale just the wind of that made me go into the fetal position. But anyways, you know, as great as that UFC pay-per-view was, what just makes me so fucking
sad about what has happened to boxing.
If this just could somehow, if all the piece of shit promoters in boxing could just unify and become one piece of shit promoter,
you know, promotional entity like the UFC is, right?
Cause you know, you know, you know the deal.
I mean, if you're, if you're,
if you're in any level of show business,
you know the promoters are fucking over the acts,
you know they are in, in UFC, it's the fighters, you know,
I know on some, I don't know anything about it,
but I know in some of it, they are getting fucked.
And because they're a complete monopoly,
I'm sure they're fucking with their money.
I'm sure there's a pressure to make people fight
and that type of shit,
which is why they try to break up monopolies.
Having said that, it's fucking great for the fans
because the fact that the fighters have no other options,
it's just the best fight the best.
And like last night,
I haven't had that kind of excitement,
like watching a boxing pay-per-view consistently,
the way the UFC is consistently exciting like that,
since I would say the middleweight division
in the early 80s,
when you had Roberto Durand, Tommy Hearns,
marvelous Marvin Hagler and Sugar Ray Leonard,
all fighting each other.
They all fought each other.
They fought each other numerous fucking times.
It was incredible.
I guess when Mike Tyson came along,
but that was just more the spectacle
of how quick was he gonna just knock these people out?
I don't know. Just seen a pay-per-view like that and then seeing that it took fucking
10 years for the Mayweather Pacquiao fight and then one of them shows up and he's fucking
hurt and doesn't say anything.
He doesn't say anything and you're still out 60 bucks.
It's just fucking brutal.
So anyways
Hats off to that fucking pay-per-view Jesus Christ actually watched the McGregor fight again
Unfucking believable I
Was just looking at the blood. I'm going he's just gonna keep fucking punching him right in that eye
Just keep punching him right in that fucking eye like who did that to that guy with the fucking yellow hair bleached hair? Was it fucking? What the fuck was his name? GSP? I can't even remember their fucking names. He just kept punching the dude in the
eye over and over and over and then it was over. So I thought that that's what my Greg
was going to do is keep punching Nate in that fucking eye. Addison, how you doing?
How the fuck you sit there with me?
I'm done.
Fucking done.
You scratch me, I am done.
Keep fighting.
All right, I just keep saying the same thing over again.
I was blown away by it
and respect to everybody who fought there.
Anyways, you know, it's weird too
as McGregor is still the champion.
I didn't know that, I thought, I just assumed if you lost, that's it, right?
You're not a champ anymore?
Or you don't have the belt?
You're always a champ, right?
How do I get out of this? I don't know anything about this sport.
Alright, let me get to the advertising.
That always saves me. What the fuck is it?
Oh, for God's sakes. there it is, there it is.
Oh, here we go, about up.
All right, Jesus Christ.
Hey, you know what it did last night?
It rained here in California.
It never rains in California,
but boy, don't they warn you, it pours.
Man, it pours.
Sorry, I was sleeping upstairs last night.
Oh, fucking Joey Rose is swung by the house.
We had a couple of cocktails, right?
And then he went home,
Ubered it like the hipster that he is,
over to his hipster neighborhood, you know?
There's fucking his jegs on on whatever the kids were wearing nowadays.
And I don't know.
The only time I snore is when I fucking booze.
So I wasn't going to do that to the lovely Nia.
So I crashed upstairs and it started thunder and enlightening at night.
And what's fucking hilarious about living out here slash terrifying is it never rains.
So when you hear thunder, you automatically think it's a fucking earthquake.
But your bed isn't moving. So you kind of like, well, wait a minute, am I, I've never heard an
earthquake that I couldn't feel. And you got to like do the math when you have to sleep going. Is
that like an earthquake? And you know, in the valley and I can't fucking hear it, I can hear it,
but I can't feel it. That doesn't make any sense.
And then you find figure, oh my God, that's thunder. Holy shit.
It's fucking raining out. Right. What is that in French?
You put you play. I can't fucking remember. I suck at that shit.
It needs it is snowing.
Anyways, it starts fucking raining and
it's tremendous, it's rained a bunch,
it's an El Nino year, thank Christ.
And but what I was always the depressing thing
in the back of my head is as green and as lush
is the hills look right now.
This is like basically the
only rain we're going to get for the next fucking three years. And I know every cunt
out here is taking long showers now going, Hey, the fucking drought's over. You know,
I just hope, I don't know, I hope it fucking rain keeps raining as much as it possibly fucking
can or it can or there's a massive goddamn plague out here
One of the other something's got to give right?
That's depressing. Is it all right? Let's get into
Oh, no way I was gonna tell you another thing so yesterday
I was just driving around hanging out with my wife and they got a bunch of open houses out here
So I can't fuck it. Let's go look at some houses, you know, get some ideas for our old ass kitchen. See what a real kitchen looks like, right? And I gotta
tell you, haven't bought this house and gone through all the shit that I've gone through.
I look at houses entirely different. I'm immediately looking at the windows. Do they
have the old ass original windows? And I immediately want to go downstairs.
If there's a crawl space, anything,
I want to go down there and I'm smelling for water.
And you can't really do that a lot out here
because it doesn't rain enough.
But I immediately look underneath the fucking house.
I look right up its fucking skirt,
like the home pervert I am.
And I'm immediately looking for, all right,
let's see, what does the electrical work look look like
You know is a galvanized pipe what kind of shithole? You know
looking how stuff is put together does this look like it had a permit or not and
You know all the sexy shit goes away like we have a pool and I'm just looking at it going like yeah, that's okay
That looks like a piece of shit to me. That looks like you need to redo the whole floor of that fucking thing. And so you got to dump out all the fucking water and evidently you can't fill
your pool up with water anymore out here. You have to fly the fucking water in. So fuck
that pool. I haven't even got in the house yet. You know, well, there's a classic they're
saying it's a two car garage, but it is if you drive if you drive two model T fords
But if you have any sort of modern car, you're not gonna be able to get the oh you can get to in there
But nobody can get out of the cars
So I was just a negative Nelly and I actually realized that my house isn't as bad as I thought it was now that I fucking dumped
Every fucking dime that I have into it
No, maybe feel good. I was just walking to the
kitchen. I'm like, there's no prep space here. All this disco shit. I don't see
any place where I could fucking slice an English muffin. You know what? Fuck this
kitchen. Fuck the pool. Fuck the kitchen and fuck this galvanized pipe. Oh, oh,
look at this. Oh, wow. Rugs, rugs in every room. Yeah, take your shoes off. Why is
that? Yeah. Cause the floors haven't been refinished in fucking 80 years. Fuck these floors. Let's go upstairs. Oh, great. I see this used to
be an attic. Oh, yeah, you calling that an office? Yeah. Yeah, I like how you're showing
it during the wintertime because I know what happens in the summertime. It fucking heats
up up here, right? You can grow a fucking goddamn bush, a fucking marijuana up here every fucking three hours. Fuck this office.
Right?
You want to sign up on our mailing list?
No, I don't.
Cause you're selling pieces of shit houses.
And then that, that's it.
I walked and I was done.
And of course I upset my wife cause all I did was just, sorry, I accidentally just shut
off the fucking recorder.
I actually, I upset my wife because, you know, she's like, I like, you know, I thought we
could just have fun.
I don't understand why you have to go in the house and be rude to the real estate people.
So I don't like those people.
You know, because they don't encourage you to sell your house, you know, air quote for
a fucking profit.
So then you can buy back into the same market and
then everything you just made on your house you got to buy you got to spend
again just to get the same fucking house I actually said that to the guy I
think that that's what made my wife mad I go yeah the only people making money
out here are you in the banks and the guy's like well yeah that's not
necessarily true yeah do the. Tell me how that works. Okay, well, get you on the mailing list.
All right, let's read some fucking questions here.
Questions here for the goddamn week.
Kesska say.
Kesska say, Mo.
Something, right?
What is, what does, I don't fucking know.
Kesska tell. I'm just never gonna get it. You know what? I just there's no reason for me to speak it
All right, let's let's plow ahead here. All right
The March 3rd podcast fucking brilliant podcast yesterday March match third
2016, thank you one of the very best and I've heard hundreds of your podcast
Nobody drowns in their own vomit anymore.
Great brain dude.
Thank you.
Greg and hamburger.
Let me know if you're coming over here.
Well, that's not a fucking question.
That's just a kind of compliment.
There's questions.
That's it.
Well, thank you.
I'm going to be doing Germany, hopefully towards the end of the year.
I'm definitely getting over there.
All right.
Um, okay. Guy end of the year. I'm definitely getting over there, all right?
Okay, guy who invented email died.
He said, Uncle Freddy died.
Uncle Freddy.
Hey Bill, I'm sending you an email about the guy who invented email dying today.
This is my way of honoring what he did.
I imagine he'll get very little press because Nancy just say no Reagan died this weekend too. Here's an article from an, here's
an excerpt from an article about him. Internet Hall of Famer Ray Tomlinson has died. Tomlinson
was the man who basically invented email as we know it today, including making the choice to use
the at sign in an email address. He was 74 years old. Tom Linson, I think I said his
name wrong the first time, Tom Linson invented email, a system where a user on one network
could send a message to someone on the another network in 1971. Oh, they left some of it
out of there. Tom Linson invented a network. I mean, I'm going to read it the way I see it. Tomlinson
or Tomlinson, however I feel like reading it, Tomlinson invented email, a system where
a user on one network could send a message to someone on another network while the government,
advertisers and hackers could all read your private information.
This was invented in 1971. Had Tomlinson had any idea what people were going to do with
his invention? What he have made it? What he have invented it? And the answer is, of course
he would have. How else was he going to get some pussy? All right. This was his slug line.
Hey, can you meet my fucking friend Tomlinson over here?
I don't want to meet him.
Hey, he invented email.
Oh my God.
Hey you.
Could I touch your pee pee?
Um, that's actually really interesting.
There's internet hall of Famers?
Now I have to look that up.
Who's in the Internet Hall of Fame?
Jesus Christ.
I want to see images too.
I want to see what the fuck these people look like.
Internet Hall of Fame.
Here we go.
Come on man.
Internet Hall of Fame homepage.
Holy shit. 2014 Hall of Fame
inductees. I didn't know this. This is fucking awesome. Internet Hall of Fame.
Paul Vixie. Internet Piracy. Well let me see the list. Inductees. Alright here we
go. Here's a list. Here's a list of who, who isn't. Alright, here's some of the pioneers.
Look at these fucking eggheads.
Jesus Christ.
Wow.
Wow.
Oh my God, if I could do a fucking screenshot of this, I gotta put the link up here.
My God.
What is it about being super smart and just,
I guess everybody gets one gift.
I'll tell these people this is a rough one, you know?
There's a lot of fucking lonely prom nights on this page.
All right, Douglas Engelbart,
and he's as good looking as that fucking name.
Oh, he looks like a sweet old man.
Let's see what this guy, Dougie. Jesus Christ. He's got the old man face in 1963. Dr. Engelbart founded the
Augmentation Research Center lab at SR. Yes, how do you tell a woman that that's your dream
and she's not going to glaze over? Try doing that while that fucker, I can feel my face when I'm with you.
I said I wanna start the Augmentation Research Center Lab.
Where you going?
Where he pioneered a system for augmenting human intellect
in which workers sitting at display workstations
could collaborate on solutions
to humanity's problems through a vast online information space.
Did it matter that no one ever fucking uses it?
Look at this guy.
He fucking, you see, this is what all these, these guys are all, all these men and women,
their hearts in the right fucking place, and then these fucking lunatics in these corporations, these sociopaths
get their fucking manicured fingers on these things. All right, Susan Estrada, you could
tell she was a looker back in the day. God, I bet all these guys fucking jerked off to
her, huh? When she came around the fucking augmentation lab. It's
still isn't here yet. Um, it's probably what she's, this is probably the woman why they're
there. She was, this is this woman here was probably the inspiration for the fucking virtual
reality sex suit that they're trying to work on. Estrada founded CERF Surfnet, one of the original regional IP networks in 1988.
Surfnet served the academic and commercial communities in California.
I still don't even know what it is.
As an executive director, she took the initial National Science Foundation funding, $2.8 million
dollars and grew the network from 25 sites to hundreds of sites.
I don't know what it does.
All right, let's look at this. Dennis Jennings. 25 sites to hundreds of sites. I don't know what it does.
All right, let's look at this, Dennis Jennings.
This guy looks like a fucking NFL ref from 1958.
As the first program director for networking at the US National Science Foundation,
Dr. Jennings was responsible for the design
and the development of NSF Net program.
No way he did that.
I have no idea what any fucking people did.
Come on man.
He's trying to find somebody who looks, okay this guy is not a bad looking guy.
Oh yes he is.
He isn't.
He's got a full head of hair but you can just see he's a spaz.
You know he's one of those guys who seems sort of cool until he starts laughing. All right, Eric Beena. Beena co-created with
fellow internet Hall of Famer Mark Anderson, the first version of the Mosaic web browser
in 1993. I think I kind of know what that is. All right, you know what? And with that,
I'm fucking bored, just like the chicks walking away from these people at the blah.
Internet Hall of Famer.
Well, you know what?
Moment of silence for Ray Tomlinson.
His heart was in the right place.
Who knew that pedophiles would use his invention to send pictures and shit?
All right, from Scotland. dear Billy Big Dicks,
I've been working flat out in work back in Scotland and now taking a three week vacation
in the US. I'm 27 years old and have never been across the pond. So this is a big deal
for me. Well, welcome. A chance to see you.
Nutcases up close and personal. I'm planning Vegas, Death Valley and Grand Canyon to see some outdoor epicness. Then onto Chicago to see the Blackhawks wipe the floor with the flyers. Wow, man. That sounds like a great trip.
Then Paddy's Day. Oh boy. Then New York City to pop my wee cherry.
To a first time in the U.S. what would be your top three things to do?
I would really appreciate the advice.
Alaska, fuck yourself, you big Nancy boy.
Okay.
The three things I would do, well I mean
you're kinda doing some amazing shit.
All right, if I was coming to America, what would I do?
I'd do it.
I live here.
I don't know what the fuck to do.
That's like, you know, you never know what the touristy shit is to do when you're in your own place.
You take it for granted.
Like when I lived in New York, I never went to this.
I went to Statue of Liberty once.
I went when my grandmother visited. You know, I didn't do any of that shit. I was just trying to get
to work.
All right. If I had to pick three cities, I would do, oh shit, only three. All right,
you got to go to New York. I would say Chicago, but you get enough New York with Chicago.
I would see San Francisco and then you'd have to do something down south.
You know, just to get, I don't know, you'd get both coasts and then you get down south
and all of those are their own fucking worlds.
What would I do?
I don't know.
Blackhawks game is fucking great.
Dude, you know what? You stumped me. I don't know, going on a Blackhawks game is fucking great. Dude, you know what? You stumped me.
I don't know what I would do.
I would go to New York like you're gonna do.
And I would fucking do as much shit as I can.
You can't miss there.
That was a nice vague answer.
The fuck would you do?
I don't know.
I live here. I don't know what the fuck would I do? I don't know.
I live here. I don't know what the fuck would I do
if I went to Scotland?
Go ahead, give me your mushy pee ideas.
I guess I would go to a rugby game.
I think, you know, something, if you're going somewhere,
you have way more ideas than the person who's living there.
I can't believe I can't think of anything to do.
You know what, I'd go to a fucking steakhouse. anything to do. I, you know what?
I'd go to a fucking steakhouse.
You know what?
I would definitely indulge in the fucking cuisine over here.
There we go.
I'm getting my footing here.
All right?
You go into a hockey game.
I'd go to a sporting event, any sort of fucking basketball, anything you can see if you can
go see the fucking Golden State Warriors.
They're one of the best regular season records of all time.
If you can take in a fucking show, go see mute math for fuck's sakes.
I don't know what I would do.
Dude, I'd go down south, right?
I'd go to a fucking gun range.
Do something like that.
This is what you want to do.
You want to do some metropolitan shit.
You want to do some sports shit. And. You want to do some metropolitan shit. You want to do some sports shit.
And then you got to do some backwood shit.
That's what I would do.
You know, go find somebody drinking some moonshine out
of a fucking jar, a Mason jar.
And then, you know, have them fucking smoke a goddamn pork
shoulder and go out and shoot his guns.
There you go.
Ride some four-wheelers.
You know? Do something like that. I don't know.
You know, a lot of people sleep on like Wyoming, Montana, the Dakotas. Those can all be fun
to go see. I don't consider you guys living that little ass country. You know, I don't
know dude. I'd rent a fucking classic American car and when I went from fucking New York to Chicago, I would
drive that and I wouldn't take the highways. I tried to find some old route and I'd stop
off at greasy spoons. There you go. There we go. Jesus. There's a couple of ideas. I'm
sorry, dude. I really fucked you over on that one, but I don't know. That's like when somebody,
you remember back in the day when you actually shopped, you know, you bought CDs and stuff. I used to have all these CDs I'd want to buy and then when I would
walk into Virgin, I could never remember what the fuck I wanted. Sorry, man, I really dropped the
ball on that one. All right, to a first timer and you are that's not it. Podcast got me in trouble
with fiance's family. Hey there, Billery Burham Clinton. I fucked up, man,
and she can probably guess from the subject line.
Cue the old,
jesus.
As a little background,
I'm getting married next month to my fiancee
who was wonderful,
love of my life and all that.
We were visiting her family last night
and playing board games,
which we often do.
Oh, Jesus. Uh-oh. What
happened? Were you drinking? Did you get competitive? Huh? Did you accuse her mom of cheating?
He goes, I'll spare you the details, but we were playing a card game with a bunch of characters.
Everyone gets the same people, but when you use them is really the key to the game. There
was a particularly powerful card I had held on to until the very the key to the game. There was a particularly powerful card
I had held on to until the very last stage of the game.
The character's name was Granny Wada.
Pronounce Gary Wada, I gave you the pronunciation and accent
so you wouldn't fuck it up.
Well, it is spelled W-A-T-A.
Granny Wada! Now, it is spelled W-A-T-A. Granny, water!
Now, it's the last round of the game
and everyone's going around revealing their card.
I was last and my plan had worked perfectly.
As I went to reveal it, my inner Bill Burr took over
and I really got excited.
I flipped it over.
Oh, you did it!
He goes, oh no.
Oh no, did it. He goes, Oh, no. Oh, no. He goes. I said it's granny
fucking water.
Dude, you dropped the F bomb. Oh my God. I wish I had podcast t-shirts. I'd send one
to you. No, you didn't. He goes silence followed as it echoed through the house. My fiance's
family were stunned. They're not super uptight people, but people just don't, just don't
throw fucks around during a board game. You know, from there, it only got worse. My fiance
is listened to your podcast. So she knows I was imitating you. She tried to scammer out an explanation. Oh,
no, she had to explain away your behavior. Oh, dude. He goes, but it didn't really do anything.
I also tried to apologize sheepishly. Then on top of that, that move gave me enough points to win the game over everyone. So I had to awkwardly
mark my score, which made me the winner. Wow, dude.
Oh, when you're getting married next month, so the fucking taste of this is still going
to be in their mouth. He goes, we left almost immediately after. And of course I got yelled
at all the way home. I knew I deserved it. So I didn't even put up much of a fight. That's your first good move in this story. Oh
Wow, he goes my question is do I try and go out of my way to remedy the situation?
Or do I just hope everyone forgets about it and moves on we're getting married in six weeks
So it's not like I can avoid them for very long. I'm pissed because I fucking crushed
the impression too. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Sorry for the Hillary Clinton reference in
the opener. I think she's a cunt too. I don't think she's a cunt. I just don't think she's
an honest person. And I don't think just because of the fact that we've never had a woman
present that that's reason enough to elect someone as dishonest
and as phony as her.
Anyways, you know what?
I would actually, without your wife, I would just drive over there and just say, listen,
I got to apologize.
I listened to this podcast.
I'm a big fan of the guy.
I was making a joke and in the moment I didn't realize that you guys didn't
listen to the podcast if you want and just queue up a clip where you have it, which might
be a bad thing to do, but like just have me like saying something else, Dr. Cavie's easy
shave butter, but then you might be fucked because I don't say fuck. Just say, just tell them you're really embarrassed or whatever.
I think if you went over there by yourself,
I think especially her dad, because I
think that's the big one there.
I think there's something extra when it's always extra.
When you're getting married, when you're getting married, like, you know, if you're a guy, you know, the
dad's going to be looking at you twice as hard.
And the mom's going to be like, oh, he's nice, relax, you know, and then the other way around
is if, you know, they have a son and he brings a woman around, like the mother's going to
be fucking looking at her to see if she's a fucking, you know, an evil little whore. You know, the dad's gonna be looking at you like is this guy gonna be over
barring and slap my fucking daughter or whatever, you know what I mean? See a piece of shit,
right? Oh my God, dude. Wow. You said it's granny fucking water. Oh Oh god dude, if you film that oh my god
Jesus Christ dude, I gotta give you I gotta tip of the cap for you there man for doing that holy shit
I'm getting uncomfortable just thinking about that. Well, I'll apologize. Can I apologize to you fiance for being a bad fucking
bad influence? Hey, you know what? Play this to play this to your your future in laws,
dear future in laws. Hello, I'm Bill Burr. I'm the one who says granny death and water.
I say this type of stuff. I've been the bad influence. Don't be mad at him. I'm sure he's a wonderful human being. I'm sorry. He messed up.
He messed up your little God game there. Um, yeah,
he's going to make a great son-in-law. You know why? Cause he uses Dr.
Cavie's easy shame.
Don't play that to them. That's not going to get you anything.
I was going to say he listens to morons. He must be a moron.
Are they going to have half a moron kid?
All right.
Not eating birthday cake.
Huge fan of the podcast is a 27-year-old who works in a stereotypical white collar
suburban office.
I thoroughly enjoy listening to you buy your bi-weekly rants at my desk.
Wonderful, man.
Speaking of which, I work in the corporate offices of a sales
and distribution company that has about 50 employees, but only about 15 people work in
my specific office location, which means that about once every motherfucking month, we gather
in the big conference room and do the cliche awkward office happy birthday song. Oh no, with candles and cake routine and all of that.
What I am by no means a health nut. I also try very hard to take care of my body during
the work day by eating properly and drinking locks of water. I've also gotten really into
bike racing over the past years, which has taught me a lot about the importance of nutrition, etc.
So the thought of eating a giant piece of chocolate cake at 2.30 in the afternoon when my
eyes are practically bleeding from staring at a computer screen all day would do nothing but make
me feel like absolute shit and I really have no interest. Very smart. This is why for the past
couple of years I've politely turned down every piece of birthday cake that has been offered to me at these aforementioned ceremonies.
Unfortunately, I am the only one of my co-workers, most of whom are women, who has adopted this no-cake philosophy.
So every single time I stick out like a sore thumb after I decline the piece that has passed to me, at which point I have to deal with this wave of passive aggression from these ladies
regarding my decision to abstain from this sacred ritual.
I also share a birthday with one of my co-workers so I am spared some of the awkwardness that
goes along with refusing cake on my own birthday, but still made out to be some kind of monster.
Okay, Jesus going on and on here.
Well, I have no intention of succumbing to the peer
pressure brought forth by my colleagues. This might be the best written fucking letter I've
ever had on the podcast. Is it possible that I'm being rude by not sharing in the celebration?
What's more is that even if I found out people did feel that I was being douchey by not eating
cake, I still wouldn't give a shit what they think. Does this make me a sociopath?
No, it doesn't.
It makes you somebody who knows what he wants
and everybody else is, you know,
you just get, you know what,
you need to just get a little space here.
Couple of little verbal, you know,
you know, the great ones create space
in all, football, hockey, basketball, you
don't have to do that in baseball, but you know what I mean?
The great ones create space, okay?
So what you have to do is you have to tap into your greatness and you have to create
space, okay?
And just say, look, people, it's not that I'm not happy that it's your birthday.
I just don't want to become a lard ass.
I mean, I'm not being a dick here, but you know, a lot of you, I'm not going to say who, over the years, your slacks just keep getting bigger because you keep eating all this fucking cake.
Alright? You're blowing out your bodies, and I'm not going to be a part of it.
And a part of me dies every time I watch you guys eat this shit. But if that's what you want to do by all means go ahead and do it. But I'm not going to become a fucking cow like most
of you guys are. You know, I mean, half of you should have bells around your fucking
necks. All right. There you go. You just, right. We're at that. They'll never ask you
for cake again. You probably want to get invited. You know, that's what fucking, that's what Cindy Crosby would do, right?
Mariola Mew, the great ones, they create space.
No, dude, you're not a sociopath, right? You're doing the right thing, you know?
I don't know. I don't know why women like sweets so much. You know? I actually, I like sweets.
I'm just a big fruit path. Good.
Um, I actually like sweets, but when I stay away from them for a while, if you're really
abstained from fucking desserts and everything, if you walk into a place that has a bunch
of crazy desserts, it doesn't even look like, like edible for human consumption.
You know what I mean?
It looks, I always said it looks like clown food.
You know what I mean? I always said it looks like clown food. You know what I mean?
Like a clown sneezed.
Especially if it's really like a lot of fruits and fucking whipped cream and all that shit.
Just looks ridiculous.
It's all these crazy colors.
Greens and purples.
Right?
You're doing the right thing.
That's all I'm saying.
You're doing the right thing.
You're into bike racing.
You're working out.
You know, this is the deal.
You guys actually got a chance of bagging one of those fucking cake eating broads in your You're doing the right thing. You're into bike racing, you're working out. This is the deal.
You guys actually got a chance of banging one of those fucking cake eating broads in
your section because they're going to see like a half of them are probably just testing
you.
The other half are fucking probably codependent fucking cake eaters and they feel guilty
and they know that after they eat that, then that sugar is going to be in their veins and then they're going to go back to their desk and they're
going to start eating a handful of fucking cheddar flavored goldfish to shoving them down.
You know, I bet if you walked around your little section of your cubicles and you looked
at their keyboards, I bet their keyboards are greasy.
Huh?
I bet there's crumbs in them.
I don't know.
You know what?
I think you're too good to work there.
What do you think about that? That's what I got out of that fucking letter. All right. Here's your
podcast for this week. I want to thank everybody for listening. Did I read all the ad? I had
to do all the fucking advertising. God damn it, Bill. Is that a running your fucking mouth?
Hey, this is guy at work.
Work, work, work, work, work.
Oh, you know what? I'm trying to listen to modern music. That one I can't listen to.
She sounds like she got roofied.
Wack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack.
Wack, whack, whack, whack, whack.
Um, she's one of those people you have to watch her doing the song
because she's so beautifully like, alright, I can deal with this, but it was just her voice.
Like you'd break up with her over the phone.
What?
Rihanna?
Yeah.
She called me up and be like, yeah, we have to break up, up, up, up, sorry.
Okay.
All right.
Shut up.
Don't judge me.
I'm an hour in.
I'm out of jokes.
That's why, so this guy works at this fucking office
And he's got into cycling and working out a nutrition and that type of thing
So there's like 15 people in his little area of the office. So he goes that means about at least once a month
He has to go down to the fucking cafeteria and sing happy birthday to somebody and then they're passing around birthday cakes
So he always says he doesn't want the birthday cake and then they're like what the
fuck we're all eating cake you gotta eat it too or we'll feel guilty and he's
like am I some sociopath that I don't give a shit should I stick to my guns
or should I just have cake once a month? Oh stick you gotta stick to your guns and
you should tell people that you're on a diet because people are like oh that's
great yeah you know cuz I've been really trying to lose weight too.
I mean, obviously not today.
And you know, they don't say that as they're about ready to eat a piece of cake.
What do you mean?
You can't go into a crack house and tell everybody that you got sober and the crack
head's going to be like, oh, that's great.
Well, I mean, you can still, you're right, but you can still say no, none for me.
I'm trying to watch my weight.
That's it.
And when they come back, no, just have one piece. Then you go, no, none for me. I'm trying to watch my weight. That's it. When they come back, no, just have one piece.
Then you go, hey, fatty!
I said no.
Just like, no, I really can't.
I've been doing really well this last month.
And I really feel good.
And I'm just, no, don't put fucking peer pressure.
Offices are the worst for that type of shit.
When I worked in the office, yeah,
it was always someone's birthday.
Someone's always like,
I made brownies over the weekend
and I just can't have them in my house anymore.
You guys, eat them.
And it's hard, cause everyone's just eating.
You're sitting in a fucking cubicle all day.
You're bored of shit.
It's probably a vending machine.
Can I ask you a question?
Is it true that bitches be eaten
when they're at the office?
What, what, what? All bitches be eating. The're at the office? Why? Why? Why all bitches be eating the male and the female
bitches all be eaten. Why? Why? Why bitches be eaten? Why
bitches be eaten? I don't know.
Office environments are so hard to be on a diet with because
it's yeah, it's like food constantly because it's so
fucking boring to sit there all day. just eat eat eat eat so now say no to the cake
all right one last quick one all right I gotta speaking of that this this fatty
cakes need to take her ass to the gym so you look good to me thank you but it's
starting today since I'm going to my reunion starting today. Why can't you get in shape for me?
Um, I mean, I'm yeah.
Why are you?
First of all, don't try to like hijack my health goals.
It's not about you.
Okay.
It's about me.
I had you had spent in there for a second.
All right.
He did.
How do I help this guy out?
Help this guy out.
All right.
So we started backtracking here in the podcast all right I'm just gonna paraphrase this the
podcast got me in trouble this dude's getting married in six weeks he's over
his don't read it just listen to me I know I heard you talking about it what
did he say really loudly he so they're playing a card game he has the the
trump card that's gonna fucking beat. And the name of it is is Granny Water. W A D A.
So when he plays it, he's the last guy he slammed it down and nobody listens to the
police parents. His future in-laws do not listen to the podcast. And he just slammed it down.
And he goes, I got to read it. He goes, it's granny fucking water. And it was just silence followed as it echoed through
the house. My fiance and family were stunned. This not super uptight people, but people
just don't throw fucks around during a board game, you know, it only got worse. His fiance
tried to be, oh, he listens to the podcast and just, yeah, and she yelled at him the
whole way. See what you're doing to people we're getting them in trouble
with their future in-laws I think you owe that young man an apology I did
apologize and I apologize I made him a little fucking audio thing that he
could play to his in-laws is it filled with you saying fuck over and over again
well I had to know if that's gonna help but I had to do it in a way that they
like you know saw what a bad influence I've-
Oh, it's just a silly awkward moment.
It's fine, everyone will get over it.
It's okay.
It's a funny story though.
All right, so what are you doing at the gym today?
Back in tries.
No, it's leg day today, which I'm not looking forward to.
Women always be doing the legs.
Okay, I'm done.
Why women be doing their legs?
Oh for fuck's sakes Jesus you spilled the water
Leave glasses of water on the floor. I tell you this all the fucking time You're always leaving glasses of water on the floor and this is what happens
How many times do we do you knock over a glass of water because you put on the floor? How many times?
Are you done? How many times? How many times?
Can you say sorry for spilling the water in here?
I'm sorry for spilling your water, but also...
No, there's no buts. There's no buts in a sorry. You're either sorry or you're not.
I'm sorry I spilled the water.
That's the podcast everybody. I'll see you on Thursday! Come on, here, baby. Come on, here. Come on, here.
Come on, here, baby.
Come on, here.
Come on, here.
Come on, here.
Come on, here.
Come on, here.
Come on, here.
Come on, here.
Come on, here.
Come on, here. Come on, here. I'm going to go get some water. I am a little kid.