Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-24
Episode Date: April 11, 2024Bil rambles about the tooth 'fairy', OJ Simpson, and yelling with raised eye-brows. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (32:25) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback - 4-11-26 - Bill rambles about Shell Co...mpanies, the Bruins, and Ice Cream Parlors. Thursday Afternoon Interlude - Smashing Pumpkins - Zero
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, everybody bought a podcast and I'm just checking in on you!
Sitting in a parking lot. Oh my God, look at that. Is there anything sadder than an old SUV?
Like, how quickly they're out of style. Jesus Christ, this thing has hit some curbs.
It has red paint on the side of its front tire.
Oh God, he fucking hit somebody painting a curb.
I bet that car has been sitting there for months,
involved in a crime.
Today in the Inland Empire,
man painting curb hit by ugly out of date SUV.
Anyway, anyway, daughter lost a tooth last night, right?
A couple nights ago.
So my wife, she forgot to do the tooth fairy thing.
So she had an early day, so she goes, can you do me a favor?
Can you do the tooth fairy thing tonight?
And I fucking hate doing that.
I hate all of this shit.
I hate all of these stupid fucking lies you start your relationship with your kids with, right?
I especially hate the tooth fairy thing
because I have to like fucking sneak into their goddamn room.
Like a fucking predator.
So I always tell her, I go, listen,
just do me a favor, there's like a table out in the hall. I go, just put the tooth in a
plastic bag out in the hall. And my daughter's like, well, how can the tooth fairy fly into
the fucking window? She doesn't curse, but you know, how can you fly through the window?
It's like, it's kind of fine. It's just, you know, I'm surprised they still let it, you still like are allowed to say tooth fairy.
You know, cause calling somebody a fairy
is like considered homophobic.
The tooth fairy.
You know, to be conscious with the queer community,
we're now gonna call it the tooth,
the fuck would they call it? what's a synonym for fairy?
I'm not into those gnomes and all of that shit. I don't know what you would call it
Well, at least they said fairy they didn't say the other one if they called it the other thing Jesus Christ
Is there any other word like that
Where it's got something else attached at the front so you don't really notice it?
You can still call some of your fairy, you can call them a Mary, any of the airy words
you can still do that.
You know?
I think you can still do it.
I mean you can basically do whatever the fuck you want, it's just whether you like your
job or not.
Hey dude, you like your fucking job?
Do you like your job? not? Hey dude, you like your fucking job? Do you like your job?
That would be great though,
if the gay community got upset with tooth fairies
and then like listening to fucking
idiots arguing about it online.
Dude, the tooth fairy was around long before the queers.
Queer people are actually people, hello,
like where a fairy isn't? Think much?
Rest in peace, O.J. Simpson. I hope God is a forgiving God.
They couldn't catch him on the field or off.
You know, say what you want about his relationships. The guy ran
for like two thousand and three yards in a 14 game season for the Buffalo Bills,
by the way, for the Buffalo Bills. An AFL team that won one AFL championship, has
never won a fucking Super Bowl, ran behind the Hall of Famer Joe DeLamular. I
always never knew how to say his name.
And I think Joe Ferguson used to hand him the ball.
I don't know who did it at the beginning of his career.
That's like one of those fucking old, like,
AFL, like, white quarterbacks that retired when he was 34
and then became a state senator.
Remember that? They all had fucking jobs.
Dude, they all had fucking jobs!
Um...
Anyway...
There goes another one from my childhood.
I had a weird relationship with O.J. Simpson.
There's a lot of people like, you know, if you didn't't watch sports you just knew him as a guy that you know Probably killed two people
But if you watched him play football and then you saw him in the naked gun and then he also made a great movie
About these astronauts they were going out on some fucking mission
and they were supposed to find something and it didn't work out and it was an embarrassment to the government
so they were just gonna say the astronauts got killed
so their own government went out to kill them
so of course OJ died first cause he's the black astronaut
the blaster notnaught, and then
then the other two. One of the white guys got away, probably the better-looking of the two.
That's how it used to work back then. If you had wavy black or brown hair and
the fucking
the dimple in your chin, that meant you were gonna make it to the end credits.
in your chin, that meant you were gonna make it to the end credits. If you were a redheaded male, you weren't in the movie.
Maybe you played a cop.
Alright, everybody keep back!
Everybody keep back!
Not gonna tell you again, lady!
Uh, could you just stick to the script?
Sorry.
Sorry, just got a little heat stroke out here.
It's the 70s.
There's no such thing as sunscreen yet.
I just saw this cool old guy walking by with a walking stick that's almost as tall as him.
Oh, fuck, is he blind?
You know, like one foot of difference.
There's one foot of difference between a cane and being legally blind.
Anyway, he's got a, he's got a bulldog that he's walking with him.
I want one of those so bad.
So anyway, Jesus Christ, look at this guy's fucking ride.
This guy is ready for the fucking apocalypse.
He has two goddamn extra gas things.
You know what's funny about this truck?
This truck looks like it could go off road and destroy, but
like it doesn't.
It never does.
It's too pretty.
You know what I mean?
It's like those hot chicks that go to the gym and they tie
off their t-shirt and they have on full makeup. It's like those hot chicks that go to the gym and they tie off their t-shirt and they just, you know, they have on full makeup.
It's like you're not working up a sweat.
That truck is the fucking truck version
of that fucking lazy whore at the gym.
All right, you want me to describe it to you?
All right, it's all black and then it has giant black tires,
giant black rims with red accents on it that match the red writing that say,
what does it say?
I can't read it, I'm not cool enough.
I don't know what it's R-E something I-T-E.
It's like written on the side.
It's probably just like promoting a fucking...
Real Housewife season.
This time these ladies aren't fucking around!
I may be stupid, but when I need to be smart, I am!
You know, dumb shit that they say at the beginning of those fucking real housewives stuff.
Just because my pussy stinks doesn't mean my ideas do.
I'm Alana.
My toes are crooked but my heart is straight. Does that make sense?
I was trying to say that I was honest.
Alright, let's rework that.
My toes are pointing at everyone in the room, but I'm centered.
Alright, we can go with that. Alright, just do it one more time with feeling.
My toes are pointing at everyone in the room, but my heart is centered.
Bitch. Oh, I love the bitch. I love the bitch. You liked it? I loved it.
I loved it. It really added to it.
Dude, Sam Ash is going out of business.
Sammy! Go down there get yourself a double pedal for the price of a single.
Everything must go. If it doesn't it ends up in the ocean. I've seen so much shit
that I want to buy lately and I know what that means now. It means I'm sad.
There's something going on with me because whenever I buy something like a week later
I'm like this is not making me happier and now I have to fucking dust this thing and move it around
And if I ever move again, I have to move it with me. Oh look at the guy with the fucking Taurus
Not the Taurus the the Tesla backing it in
Taurus not the Taurus the the Tesla backing it in
We guys we need to normalize backing into a parking spot I love all these people that suck at driving that try to like fucking give people shit because they back into a
parking spot
Just pull in now back in so you can get the fuck out of there
You know what backing in means? That means you showed up on time.
You showed up on time to something you didn't wanna go to.
Isn't that enough?
Can't you just let us back into the thing?
Oh my God, he uses the frunk.
Nobody uses, all those fucking electric cars,
they talk about the extra trunk in the front and nobody
fucking uses them.
By the way, I don't think I've ever seen a fucking vehicle
get more shit than electric cars.
There's always these little battery ways, 8,000 pounds,
like gas combustion cars aren't, who cares
how much it weighs?
Who gives a fuck what it's doing to the environment? Gas combustion cars? We bankrupted the country getting oil in Iraq. I'm sorry liberating them.
I was thinking about that shit today.
Just like I was actually laying in bed, right? I couldn't go to sleep. My son woke me up, and he just kept coming into the room.
So finally I just went in and I slept in his bed with him
And then he just fucking crawls all over me the entire night. I'm like dude get off of me get off of me go to sleep
He's like, okay dad. Okay dad
then he just starts like like
Pushing his fucking adorable feet into my back. I'm like, will you stop will you stop it?
But then part of me is going like someday he's not going to want to do this. So anyway, what
the fuck does that have to do with electric cars? Oh yeah, I couldn't go to sleep. I couldn't
go to sleep and I just started thinking about 9-11. Like if I just wish we knew what the
fuck they were doing, all the passengers could have beat the fuck out of those people
Nobody would have died and then the country wouldn't be bankrupt
You know and all of these politicians wouldn't be fucking insider training trading just making sure that they were gonna be okay and
Fuck everybody else
Anyway, I think it's gonna turn around I think they're gonna turn around this stupid no bail law.
No bail.
Like, who the fuck came up with that and why?
And when are you gonna come on TV and apologize for it?
That is the dumbest shit I think I've ever heard, right?
So I got a buddy of mine, he's like super conservative.
He goes, it's a fucking stupid liberal law.
It's like, alright, okay,, it's a fucking stupid liberal law.
It's like, alright, okay, yeah it is.
Liberals came up with that and it's fucking stupid.
But why do you only just see that side?
Why can't you see the people behind them?
Drives me up the fucking wall.
Conservatives got rid of everything.
Everything from music in schools all the way to nut houses where we used to put crazy people that would push you onto the fucking train tracks.
You had them in nut houses but conservatives didn't want to fucking pay for anything. See I can play the same game.
Or, or was it the people behind the conservatives and liberals squeezing every drop of profit out to the point taxes
were so high you couldn't afford anything and something had to fucking go. What really
needed to go was these pieces of fucking shit. Robber barons who are now these tech guys,
these tech fucking nerds. Stop calling them tech bros. they're tech nerds. These fucking greedy motherfuckers.
Dude, someone was telling me people at Amazon
work in adult diapers
because they're not allowed to take bathroom breaks.
I refuse to believe that that's true,
but I definitely believe
that they don't let them have bathroom breaks.
You know, it's just like, what is happening to the fucking quality of life?
You work 40 fucking hours a week and you still can't make your bills. Something's got to give
here. Something's got to give. You know what it's going to take? It's going to take honest
politicians that actually stand up to these guys. Oh no, wait, wait, wait. Those guys are all
socialists and communists and anti-Semites That's right let's get to a career politician who just blames
the other side. Depressing. Why can't you all be smart like me? I figured it out
without reading a thing. I don't watch TV.
There's an old school guy.
It's fucking hot as balls.
He has on jeans, a t-shirt and a flannel shirt tucked in
in a jean jacket over his fucking shoulder.
You know what that guy's gonna go do people?
He's gonna go to work, actual work,
rather than sitting in a parking lot doing a podcast
So
Anyway
I'm fucking home for the entire for the entire rest of
The month, but I'm gonna be you know going around doing some spots
Wherever the fuck I can because I got to make sure
wherever the fuck I can because I gotta make sure uh dude I'm sorry that truck is you know what's really fucking stupid is when you have a four-wheel-drive
truck and then they make the headlights look like the truck is angry I mean this
guy's ready he's got gas tanks he's got gas tanks. He's got a fucking ramp. He's got a bunch of sh-
Oh, it's called the Reuniter!
Reunited and it feels so good!
It's actually cool. It's a four-door Jeep pickup.
I actually have some sad family news for you guys. Brace yourselves.
There's rumors that I might
have to get rid of my f-250 it's just a giant bus sitting in my driveway and I'm
moving it around like a valet and I was like all right well you know I owned one
I always wanted to own one I special ordered it. It had everything that I wanted. You know, I can let it go.
I want to be like those people. You know those fucking guys like fucking Richard Rawlings on Fast and Loud.
Guy had like nine cars by the time he was 18. He would get something. I want something else.
Gonna get rid of this. I want something else. Gonna rid of this I want something else gonna get this I
fucking hang on to shit I
Do feel at some point that that truck with a 6.7 turbo diesel is gonna be worth some money someday
Especially because it would have hauled nothing other than a fucking flat top grill once a year over to the Rose Bowl. However, next season the
Michigan Wolverines are going to be playing USC out here at the LA Memorial Coliseum, home of
the first two and only NFL-AFL championship games that were later renamed like the Dotson.
games that were later renamed like the Dotson. When Dotson became Nissan, the AFL and NFL AFL championship game was renamed Super Bowl 1 and Super Bowl 2.
And I finally understand why they don't count NFL championships because the NFL
and the AFL, the NFL did not absorb the AFL. They merged. That's how much the AFL was kicking ass.
They didn't have to bow down like the ABA. They didn't have to bow down like
the fucking... who else? The AAFL. They didn't fault. They did not fault.
I do like how the NFL is so big now that they just don't, they won't absorb anything.
After the fucking AFL, they had the World Football League.
Oh my God, I love this guy they just pulled up.
He's got a fucking tracksuit on.
He's about 70 years old.
Full head of silver fox hair, little thinning in the back.
He's got the collar, I'm sorry, it's a vest.
Even better, it's a solid black vest
with fucking striped button down shirt.
He's getting out and I got my window open
so I gotta stop talking here.
So anyway, honey, I'm really looking forward
to you getting back.
Oh my God, that's amazing.
And the vest, I'm sorry, it's like an olive green
and it has like, you know that mattress padding?
That's fucking amazing.
I love old people that are trying to stay warm
even when it's hot out, you know?
They're like, they're the most adorable people.
I love fucking old people.
I love shooting the shit with them.
I like a grouchy old person and then winning them over.
Do you eat diners by yourself like I do?
Do you try to chat up the locals?
I love them when they have those dark fucking glasses
like Father Guido Sarducci, you know?
They're just sitting over in the corner.
Every once in a while though,
you meet a truly happy spirited old guy
and you're just like, that guy fucking gets it.
He gets it.
My grandmother on my mother's side was like that.
She fucking got it.
Like I remember seeing her when she was in her 90s,
was volunteering at a hospital.
Her energy was crazy, she was smiling, she was like,
she had a pep in her step.
I didn't understand it when I was younger, but now I get it.
It was like she was like, life is meant to be lived.
Alright, you fucking take that olive,
mattress padded goddamn vest out of the closet,
you put that on.
He's got his hair combed.
This guy's going out there.
Hey, did you see this fucking...
I'm back on Instagram, people.
I fucking had a relapse, you know?
I'm gonna have to have another intervention.
Last night I was like death scrolling and I'm off it.
I'm off it.
I don't need it. I'm off it. I'm off it. I don't need it.
I'm high on life.
So I fucking,
was watching this thing and this guy was like 99 and his wife was 97.
And he found these letters from when she had an affair
in the 1940s and he fucking divorced her.
Man, that's one of the strongest fucking moves I've ever seen in my life. I mean, he can't even be like, all right, it was like 80 years ago.
You fuck, what am I gonna do, walk away and die alone?
He's like, yeah, I am.
Take a walk, you retroactive fucking whore. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha like you fucking asshole. All right I get it. I was a dick when I was younger. Maybe you wanted somebody that fucking listened to you. I don't I honestly if it was that
far away I wouldn't have given a fuck and I would have been like all right well
you just got to know this every Saturday I'm bringing me and my old dick to a
massage parlor and you're not asking any questions for the rest of my life. Cool?
All right and you know what a pie once a month would be all right. How about that?
Is that all right? You know what's funny what? A pie once a month would be alright. How about that?
Is that alright?
You know what's funny about that?
Like a fucking woman would ask for a yellow diamond.
I'm a guy.
Can I get fucking rubbed and tugged once a week and get 12 pies a year?
I mean you can't get mad at somebody you're not even fucking anymore, can you?
But it's got to be mind-blowing
Somebody said in the comments he goes he didn't divorce her because she fucking fucked around on him It's cuz she kept the letters and that is the thing
That's is what I would haunt my fucking 99 year old mind. I would be like
did she like
actually love this guy and not me but like I provided, I
gave her something else, I gave her stability, was this other guy like a bum?
I'll tell you one of the hardest movies to watch is Casino and watching De Niro keep taking like,
there's not a lot of movies like that
where there's like a fucking guy,
he's just with some chick for whatever reason,
he loves her, he feels she's out of his league,
he doesn't have any fucking self-esteem
and just stays there, I mean,
you're not honest with yourself as a man,
if you don't watch Casino
and don't see a little bit of yourself and Robert De Niro
We've all been that fucking guy
You just done not literally she cheats on you with some fucking James wood degenerate. I don't mean that but like we've all you know
You've been you've been weak you've made concessions you look the other way and it took you years to get out of something and
Then you just look back on it going like I knew I fucking knew I knew from the first fucking thing but everybody's got
to have that Sharon Stone relationship before you get married unless you just
one of those people who just fucking you know you're first at bat in the league
you hit a dinger yeah we met you know that's I think like that's some
old-school shit I met her in high school and I think like that's some old school shit.
I met her in high school and I did, it was love at first sight. It wasn't love at first sight, it was love without social media.
There was no whores to look at.
They weren't allowed to dress whorey.
You lived in this little fucking log cabin in the middle of nowhere.
Wasn't it, it was the only vagina
unless you were going bestiality within your fucking...
There wasn't even an area code or a zip code.
It was an arranged marriage through logistics.
Um, anyway, shout out to that guy though, man.
You gotta fuck...
Like, the level that I respect that guy that at 99 he's like, no.
No.
No, I don't give a fuck.
I will die alone before I die with a woman that fucked some guy in 1946.
There's not a lot of guys that can say that.
Anyway.
of guys that can say that. Anyway, if I was her my argument would be like, I fucked this guy so long ago he wrote me letters. I mean, Jesus Christ. He didn't even have a typewriter. Um, anyway.
Oh, nice cool breeze, nice cool breeze coming in off the ocean.
Coming in off the water. Santa Monica off the water.
Anyway, I haven't been able to fly all fucking week.
It's annoying the shit out of me.
I'm gonna do it tomorrow.
I'm gonna fucking fly my ass
somewheres
I'm not getting rid of that f-250. I'm not gonna find someplace I can fucking put it
I'll park that fucking thing out the goddamn street before I get rid of it. You understand me
What's out parking in front of the house?
God damn rules.
You know what would be amazing is if like now you found out,
what would you do right now if you fucking found out
your wife or your girlfriend was cheating on you
because you found love letters
in fucking 2024 what do you do with that
i would be like what country does this person live in that they don't have they don't have fucking email
there must have been a lot of pressure back in the day writing a love letter. Because
you can't erase. Why did I say titties? Fuck. Can I make it into something else? What is Titular. Titular. I don't know what that fucking word means.
Sorry, I was just watching this guy fucking pulling in like 90 miles an hour. What does that word mean? Titular? I don't even know how to say it.
That means it was going to be like softcore porn, I think, back in the day.
It was funny, because it sounded like titties, but it also sort of sounded like it described that first little tingle in your dick
when you start getting excited.
You know, it's like that first little breeze before a storm comes.
Bill, are you comparing your dick to a fucking nor'easter?
I am.
Alright, I grew up in Massachusetts.
Sure, in Buffalo, they compare a hard-on to lake effect snow, I mean it's just it always goes back to weather with guys doesn't it
Anyway you found love letters in 2020 fucking for
You got what are you dating an actor you cheating on me with an actor I
Could tell you right now. He's not gonna. He's not making any money in the business if he's still writing
letters.
What's he doing, Shakespeare in the park?
Did he fuck you up against the train?
This relationship is over.
Um, anyways, it's kind of ironic when you're waiting to go to the fucking gym and you're looking
at a McDonald's at the same time.
Decision time.
When you're looking at the gym and you're looking at McDonald's, that's like when you're
a young person and it's like, should I go with this woman that I actually have feelings
for or should I let this whore fuck my brains out?
Why am I talking about this shit today?
I have no idea why it's all coming to this.
I usually don't talk about that type of stuff
in the bedroom.
The stuff that goes on in the bedroom,
I don't talk about it because I was raised Catholic
and I still feel like there's something low brow about it
and then I also feel that it's easy laughs.
There's something low brow about it and then I also feel that it's easy laughs. You know?
I came up in the fucking 90s in this goddamn business.
Back when you fired your manager right now, you typed a letter so you knew that that way
they knew it was serious.
But I first started headlining in the fucking late 90s and I always knew when
the feature rack was wrapping up if they were going into their sex material
because even they even they had nothing in their act that could follow it.
You ever been fucking the whole crowd?, no joke, would just fucking lose their mind on the most common thing that
there is in the world, other than breathing is people having sex.
That's why there's fucking 8 billion of us.
And everybody loses their minds like they're fucking talking about
you know, some inside shit.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you this right fucking now.
And you don't have to listen to it. You don't have to receive it. All I want you to do is hear it. You don't gotta listen. Just hear.
All right? There's a difference now.
Um, listening means you're taking it in and you're actually going to act on what I
say. Hearing me is just, you're, you're, you're nodding politely when you're thinking about what you're gonna order for dessert.
Um, I literally forgot what I was gonna say.
Went into that whole fucking run. What was I just talking about?
I was talking about not talking about sex, 90s and da-da-da-da-da-dee, people finishing with their fucking sex jokes.
Uh...
There was nothing I enjoyed better
than watching some guy doing his stupid going to the proctologist fucking chunk
or, uh, you know, fucking a girl with an ass so big and it blah blah blah blah blah.
I loved nothing more than going up on stage
once I learned how to do it going up on stage totally I used to try to match the
energy like they would end this and then doctors got his fucking finger up my
ass like way up there and then I would come on stage hey are you guys doing
there was nowhere to go there was nowhere to go. Eyebrows up, screaming at full volume, and I still had 44 minutes to go.
So,
somebody along the way gave me the advice to do the exact opposite energy. Go up there and settle them fucking down. And actually, you know,
it's almost like the first round. Feel them out, maybe lose the round.
And then just make them gradually just forget that fucking hack.
And then you move on from there.
And that's the way it was done.
I used to love doing that because, you know, those fucking competitive hacks,
they would fucking, they would stand, you'd see them, they would stand in the back,
they'd get a drink and they'd be them, they would stand in the back, they'd get a drink
and they'd be drinking from the straw.
They'd be in the back with a long glass with the straw
and they'd have their head down,
like looking up, almost like their eyebrows,
if they were bushy, would be blocking part of their vision,
doing that shit, acting like they weren't looking at you,
but they were, they had their head down
because they think you're far enough away
that you thought they were looking at
what they were drinking, but I know what you're doing.
You're looking at me, you're looking at me
to see if I can follow this shit
and I'm gonna show you, not only am I gonna follow it, I'm gonna do it effortlessly.
Right? And then you're gonna go even harder the next show and I'm gonna do it
again. And somewhere after the first show Friday, you're gonna start coming around
and asking me for advice in the business. I used to call that break in the middle.
Breaking the feature act like a fucking horse.
Would take you till Friday first show.
Wednesday night, one Thursday and then Friday.
Sometimes till Saturday if they were stubborn.
And you didn't say shit to them.
All you would say, hey, you know, great set.
If they were dick, you'd just say good set, and he could see the good. Good would hurt him.
A lot of psychology went back then.
Now you just go on Facebook and be like, you can't believe what this guy did to me!
I had to go on after his sex jokes! Bunch of fucking whining pussies.
Alright, that's it.
Okay, enjoy the music picked out by the always
wonderful Andrew Themelis.
Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
I'm going to the gym.
My reflection, dirty mirror, there's going on?
It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday,
April 11th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? It's Sunday night. It's a Sunday evening.
I'm in the house all by myself. The lovely Nia had some business meeting or some shit she had to go to.
Um, it's show business, I know what you're saying.
You guys all live in the normal world.
You're thinking like, wait, my wife says she's got a business meeting on a Sunday night
at fucking, yeah, past a certain hour.
That means she's out there banging somebody's else fucking ball, man, and caught there.
I know that's what you're thinking, but I'm in show business, so it's totally normal for
them to go out that way.
What the fuck happened to the hi-hat over here?
I told you I got my little fucking practice set up there.
What the fuck is...
Maybe Cleo was playing it when I wasn't here.
Anyways, anyways.
Yeah, so she's out, so I'm gonna try to knock this out
because I gotta be at work on Monday for something,
for some reason I still can't say whether what it is
or what's going on.
Hopefully soon, yep, you know what it is.
You know what it is, maybe you don't know what it is.
Maybe you don't listen every week, but you know what it is.
So I gotta be at work on Monday,
and oh, Billy fucking clean living ever since I got back from Canada Oh Canada
you bunch of freezing cunts I got just got back from there and I kind of
realized that when I go on the road with the fellas we act like we're on some sort
of bachelor party.
I don't know what it is, minus the fucking who is
everything else.
We basically, you know, we booze and we smoke cigars
and that thing, and it's just, you know,
it takes a lot out of me.
And I got a bunch of shit I got to do,
so I kind of need to be clear-headed,
as opposed to the usual, you know, usually,
when I got nothing going on in my life, I can have a few.
I can wake up the next morning like, oh, jeez, I need to get some fucking eggs or something.
I can be in that mindset, but as of right now, I can't.
I have not done anything.
I haven't done shit.
I haven't fucking, haven't drank.
I haven't smoked. I haven't smoked
Eating pretty good
I'm even laying off the internet porn. I mean, it's just fucking over actually got this time magazine
That was about internet porn and how much I was like fucking people up
You know, especially like kids, you know when they first like just the shit the schmze kitten hope, the shit you can see on the fucking
internet. I can't believe nobody stepped in. I'm not saying somebody should step in, but
um, you know, I got to tell you if, if, if they knew what the fuck the internet was going
to be when it was, whenever Al Gore was inventing it back in the eighties. Um, I never said that.
I said that I was, I was involved in the email chain, whatever the fuck he said.
That fucking guy.
Remember when his campaign was over, remember when he was dancing around
and all sweaty and all that shit.
And he just looked like he was so fucking relieved that it was over.
Um, what a thing to go through running for president.
I just saw a clip of Hillary Clinton.
I have not been paying attention at all, but Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened to her?
She looks like Earl fucking Weaver.
She looks like Earl Weaver.
She was doing something, right?
She was standing in some black church, right?
Baptist church, I'm going to assume, you know, I don't think it was a Jewish synagogue there, whatever the fuck they could temple. She's in this
green suit. She's just like yelling, ah, the shit she was going to do. That's the only
time a politician goes near the black community is when they're running. They fucking, they
swing by the church, they make a whole bunch of promises, and then they get in the fucking limo and they go, let's get the fuck out of here, right?
Fuck out of Dodge.
Then they go over, they do a town meeting, talk to all the lunch pail Louies, right?
If there's even those people left in this country, if you fucking make anything, they
get over there and they roll up their sleeves.
That's when you know they're talking to the working man.
They take off their sport coat and they roll up their sleeves.
You know, like they're going to build something rather than just go out there and say the
exact same bullshit they just said in the Baptist Church with more of a fucking lunch
pail swing to it, right?
The whole fucking thing is just gross.
I don't know how anybody sits there and watch that shit, but um
The latest thing that I've become fascinated with is I completely leave whatever the fuck I was just talking about
I'll come back to it the clean living thing who wants to listen about clean living it's the most boring shit ever
You know
anyways, um
I've become fascinated with how super rich people avoid paying taxes.
Just fucking fascinating.
It's one of those things, you know, it's, it's like, you got to
respect it on a certain level.
It's the brilliance of it.
And then there's a certain level of balls that that takes because
you're fucking with your freedom.
Anytime you're fucking with taxes.
You know what I mean?
Fucking with the government.
Anytime you're doing that, I mean,
you know, I don't know what the fuck is that a federal thing?
I guess if you're not paying your federal income tax, yeah, Bill,
that would probably be a federal crime.
I don't know. I always say you got to cross state borders.
Do you have to like not pay taxes and then leave your state before it becomes federal?
I don't know.
I don't know these things.
But anyways, just the balls that it takes and the, I don't know.
I don't like people physically hurting other people, that type of crime, but when there's something like robbing banks or tax evasion or even a good old-fashioned fucking scam,
if there's like an amazing level of thought behind it, on some level you got to respect it, I think.
You know what I mean? Like I remember a long time ago there was some fucking guy,
he figured out how to rob parking meters. And they were allegedly it was impossible
to do. So this guy figured out how to fucking do it. It's amazing. And he did this shit.
This is back in like the 80s or some shit. This guy figured out how to do it. So it was
way, way, way easier to not have everybody breathing down your fucking throat you
know people be having eggs watching you fucking robbing a parking meter they
didn't have a fucking smartphone on them they just be sitting they go this fucking
guy guy just is that guy robbing a parking meter? Holy shit the fucking guy
Did you see that everybody see that that was it
That's all that fucking happened rather than some douche shit, and they're filming you and you're arrested before you even get home
Right and then the fucking local newscasters. They always got to do some sort of fucking bad pun
You know what I mean?
I'll tell you, this guy's life, his freedom is now going to change.
You know they do that?
Somehow they get away with that in like fucking newspapers, like they can have the biggest
fucking puns ever and everybody thinks it's great.
You know?
I don't know.
I can't even think of one right now, But whatever. You know, you said it at home
and you think about it. You said it in your fucking cubicle instead of doing your goddamn work. You think of one.
So anyways, this fucking guy figured out how to do this shit.
And of course the parking meter guards were beside themselves, you know what I mean? It was like one of those sci-fi movies.
Or like the Titanic movie. Like, not even God can sink it that's what they
were like not even God could get the fucking quarters out of this meter this
meter right that's they were talking all kinds of shit so this fucking guy
figured out how to do it and you're thinking like I whatever man you do well
what the fuck you gonna do with that well dude there's fucking meters all
over the city so this guy anytime you a drink, if he wanted a fucking sandwich,
this guy, he had it perfect.
It was like his own ATM machine before ATM machines.
He'd just walk up, bang, bang, boom,
he had a sack of fucking quarters.
You go down to the bank, you go,
can I get one of those rolly fucking things there?
Right?
Yeah, sure, they don't give a shit.
Nobody gave a fuck back then.
Nobody was paying attention. They were trying to pay attention, but they don't give a shit. Nobody gave a fuck back then. Nobody was paying attention.
They were trying to pay attention, but not to that type of shit.
So this guy would roll the fucking quarters.
You know, rolls enough quarters, next thing you know, he gets himself out of it.
How the fuck would you get all those quarters down to a car dealership?
I have no fucking idea.
Although I talked to some drug dealers about how they fucking
or a guy who knew drug dealers
Let's be honest here bill
Let's not act like that news guy saying that you were in the war and then you were in a chopper or some shit
Next to the chopper and you didn't really fucking see it. Okay, you took a fucking helicopter tour one time
You weren't even in Iraq, whatever the fuck he said. I don't pay attention to shit
so anyways
I was talking to this guy and basically
how back in the day when drug dealers were still driving around in flashy cars, because from what I heard nowadays, they didn't
even want to attract that level of attention, how it used to be was anything, any cash deal
that was over 10 grand had to be fucking reported.
So what these drug dealers would do was they would go out and they'd buy a car worth nine grand for cash
and then they'd drive it around for like a fucking week and then they'd trade it in for a car worth 16 grand.
Maybe get seven for theirs and then they'd throw another fucking nine at the other car.
Now they got a $16,000 car. You drive around for a little bit, you fucking trade it in on a $23,000 car.
They give you fifth whatever and so on and so forth.
Until you trade your way all the way up to whatever fucking car you wanted.
Um, it's just, I don't know.
I just look at that shit.
It's like, I mean, that's not the deepest thing, but that's the way my brain would
be work up, be like, well, I guess I got to drive a piece of shit down.
What's the point of dealing drugs?
Right. Or I just say, fuck it. I guess I gotta drive a piece of shit then. What's the point of dealing drugs? Right?
Or I just say fuck it, I'm buying a Ferrari
and I'm gonna drive it until they catch me
fucking three weeks later.
By the way, the Ferrari I like is the Ferrari California.
That's the old man one, the fucking GT,
the grand touring one, right?
I don't need to ride around in some Batmobile.
Just give me one that's shaped like a fucking Jaguar from back in the day, you know? Or maybe a
Toyota Supra. Those fucking things from the 80s. I remember Sky loaned me his while he
used my truck to move. And I ran and I beat the shit out of his car and he beat the fuck
out of my truck and we both got our cars back and he's smelling rubber and I'm seeing all kinds of scratches all over my truck
and we just, it's kind of a fair deal right? Then we both got arrested for
drinking and driving months later but that's a completely different story. I
know I'm all over the map I'm doing this late night and I don't want to be doing
it right now but I got shit to do in the morning. So anyways, this fucking guy, you know, if he had half a fucking brain,
what you do is you keep your day job, right? You keep your fucking day job and then, you
know, for anything miscellaneous, she gets to go to the parking meters, right? And what
you do is you start storing up on the quarters, then every once in a while, right? You just
start, you start washing the money with your fucking cat. I know what you do. You fucking, you go into stores and stuff. Who
gives a fuck, right? You just use it to get yourself a better TV. But what does this dope
do? He gets fucking greedy. I don't even remember how the fucking story goes. All I know is
he just started hitting every fucking goddamn parking meter around. The next thing you know,
he's sitting on like a fucking $2 million in quarters and he ended
up getting busted.
But there was a part of it, I liked the guy.
So anyways, this gets me to the super rich on how all that shit about the Panama Papers
and all that type of stuff.
I was talking to another friend of mine who's a fucking lawyer. And I was like, how does that work?
Like, how do you get your money out of the country?
And then once it's out of the country,
how do you make sure nobody steals it?
Like what happened to Johnny Depp's character in Blow.
And then once you have it out of the country,
how do you get it back in without just getting taxed
all over again or busted?
And he said, basically, this is it.
He broke the whole fucking thing down.
All right.
Or as far as I know, he broke an aspect of it down.
I know all you guys are sitting there right now going, Oh, Jesus, he's going to
try to explain, I'm going to try to explain some shit that was just explained
to me and I don't really know what the fuck I'm talking about.
So let's get rid of one myth right out of the gate.
I remember a long time ago, a friend of mine had a fucking landscaping business
and he already had a truck and he went out and he bought this giant fucking,
you know, one of those things with the dual wheels on the back and this fucking
giant bed, look at you put cattle in it. Right. And I was like, Holy fuck, man.
How much does that thing cost? And you know, it's like the eighties,
it costs like 25 grand, which was a lot of fucking money back then. Right.
Um, for a truck, you know, it's like 10 grand more than you pay the 25, 30 grand or some shit.
Right.
I was like, holy shit, man, you can afford that.
And he was like, yeah, it's a write-off.
That's what a lot of dope say.
And they think it is a write-off, but what they think is, is that they can write
$30,000 off of their taxes.
What you, you can't, what can't do is you can write off,
it's a write-off as far as that 30 grand that you just spent on that truck is
untaxable.
All right, it's sitting in whatever. You made that money,
you made 30 grand. If it's just sitting there and you don't put it back into play as far as
reinvesting into your business, the government will tax you at the end of the year, you know, on that 30 grand.
And let's say you're in like a fucking, ah, whatever, 20% tax bracket that you,
you'd have to give the government fucking six grand, right?
That's it.
So people, morons think, Oh, I get write 30, in the end of the year if I owed 40 grand in taxes and I bought a 30,000 dollar truck I get to take 30,000 dollars off of my taxes.
You wouldn't, you'd just be able to knock off 6 grand. Right? You're not even knocking it off. You're just not getting taxed on that. Does that make sense? Probably doesn't because I explained it. So anyways, when you have your own business, what you're trying to do is
you're trying to come up with as many fucking write-offs as you possibly can. Many is expenses,
everything you possibly can to lower your basic, your whatever, your income as far as
what is going to be taxable. So say you made fucking a hundred grand
All right, you grossed a hundred grand
The net is what you're left with after your expenses you try to fucking come up with as many goddamn
Expenses as you can to get that hundred grand as far down as zero
It's possible Ideally, you wouldn't want to pay any fucking taxes as far as these people
look. But the bottom line is you can only do it so much and if you write off too much
the IRS is going to show up and be like what's this fucking you know 60 grand for fucking
cheeseburgers blah blah blah you tried to write off and you're going to get busted.
Alright so what these fucking super rich people do is the first thing they do is they get the
fucking money out of the country because the IRS's jurisdiction doesn't go beyond the
borders.
So what they do is they just create a company that doesn't exist.
It's just on paper.
Right?
So say you make $100 million.
Right?
What you do is you go to a country that doesn't give a shit about America and let you use it as a tax shelter. You just come up with some incorporated
thing. Like who gives a fuck ink? Right? And then you just have that company bill your
company a consulting fee for a hundred million dollars or whatever, whatever of the hundred
million, 30, 40, 50, whatever you don't want to pay taxes on, whatever you, whatever.
And then you write a check to that company that doesn't exist that's really you.
And then you send it out.
So now it's out of the fucking country.
And then what they do is they open up like 10 other of these fucking shell companies
and they have those other companies build the first company and then the third one builds
the second one, the fourth one the fourth one but it's
just gone the money's fucking gone now the IRS can come at you be what the
fuck did you pay somebody a hundred million dollars consulting fee and then
you're telling me you paid somebody a hundred million dollars as a consulting
fee and then you just look at him and go, yes.
And evidently there's nothing they can fucking do about it.
So then I was like, all right, so now it's out of the country and then it's in this other
country.
How the fuck do you protect it?
And he goes, well, those countries where these tax shelters are, they're in on the scam. So you just kick them 10% of the 100 million.
You give them 10, here's fucking, whatever you can negotiate.
We'll just make it easy.
Here's 10 million bucks.
So I'll give you 10 million rather than giving the government fucking 50, 55,
60 million at 100 million.
I'm still fucking up 45 million.
All right?
So then I was like, all right,
so now how do you get the money back? Because if you know, you bring the money back, you
stick it into the bank, they're going to consider that earned income. Like where the fuck did
you get it? And this guy was like, they, they bring it back into the country in the form
of a loan. Loans aren't taxable, right? Like if you get a fucking loan, cause you're already
paying interest on it and everything,
they don't tax you.
So they just bring it back in the form of a loan.
Whatever the fuck you want to do.
I want to buy a $10 million house.
You have this shell company that's 10 times removed from the one that you paid from a
consulting fee, right?
And they can't follow the paper trail because it's in a different country, right?
You just bring it back into the country in the form of a loan, and then you go buy a
fucking house.
And I guess, I don't know, you pretend to make payments or the loan is forgiven by this
shell company that's still you.
I know I just glossed over that, and if anybody has more information on it, I find it absolutely
fascinating.
There's other ones, they just pretend that that's their main business
That shell company so they just act like it's doing the I don't know
That that's that's as far as I can remember that what he told me and I found that shit
Absolutely fucking fascinating because at the end of the fucking day
As far as what they're doing I know they're fucking over you and me because, you know, the school systems go down the shitter because they don't have enough money, there's a lot of potholes, there's all kinds of stuff, you can't take care of your homeless people, you
can't build another gleaming structure for a fucking sports team, whatever the fuck it
is.
At the end of the day, as fucked up as that is, These people who are criminals, they're stealing from other criminals.
As far as my conspiracy theory goes, the IRS is just a bunch of fucking crooks anyway. So I mean,
it's kind of fascinating watching these two giant powerful entities fuck with each other.
Meanwhile, you know, I'm in the crosshairs, you're in the crosshairs
and we're all paying Elvis taxes. And there goes Hillary Clinton screaming in some Baptist
church. Is she talking about that shit? Of course she isn't. Because when you bring the
fucking money back in, you just don't bring it in and go out and buy yourself your fucking
Ferrari California. What you do is, I mean, you do do that, but what else, what you also do is you walk around
with nice water cash and you go, oh hey Chief of Police, oh look at that birdie over there.
And as he looks over you stuff a fucking water cash in his pocket, you know?
And then oh, oh is it an election year?
Yeah, let me get, I'll take two million on Trump, give me 2.5 on Hillary and fuck it,
give me 500 grand on Bernie Sanders.
What do you mean he's not taking any money from guys like me?
Oh, is that right?
Oh, well, you know, whatever.
He won't get it.
And if he does, you know, I'll give three million to, you know, silence him.
That's what the fuck they do.
And that's how they, you know, I them. That's what the fuck they do. And that's how they, you know.
I don't know, I'm convinced of that.
I'm convinced as far as like stand-up comedy goes.
You know why they're always giving us shit?
It's because if stand-up comedians just organized, okay?
And we donated to the campaigns of people running
to the Democratic and the Republican parties.
And then we bought a little ad time on CNN and on Fox News and all these major networks.
If we did that, you'd never see another comedian getting in trouble for doing a fucking Caitlyn
Jenner joke.
Anyways, if anybody has any more information on that they can talk about it.
I don't like if it's really dry.
I just like, I'm fascinated with people that do shit like that and then they go to bed
knowing what the fuck they're doing.
And they got to be thinking at some point, like, the wolves got to be coming to the door
at some point.
Hang on one second, I got to answer this.
All right, so I'm back. Of course I I completely forget where I ended off. But what I really
learned when I was listening to this lawyer telling me all this shit, oh, I know I say
the balls that that takes to go to bed at night, knowing at any point, all of a sudden,
the fucking feds are going to kick in your fucking door.
But I think that these guys are like the smarter ones. And when you watch like American Greed, what I noticed when I watched them, all
of their fuckery was within the borders of the United States, which you just, I
mean, if you, I guess if you're too dumb to know, you don't realize you're not
going to get away with it forever.
But like once I, um, after talking to this guy, it just seems like anybody who just tries to
have their entire illegal entity
within the borders of one country
is, you're just on borrowed time.
So I think when you watch American Greed,
what you're really seeing is the hacks of,
you know, you always see these fucking idiots,
they buy a house, they get all these fucking fucking cars and they have some strippers come over all my
fucking laptop
all that was a laptop it hardboard floors
come on baby
come on come around you're alright hang in there help is on the way
uh... you fucking motherfucker.
Steve Jobs is laughing somewhere right now.
He's laughing at me because I gotta give him money and he also knows there's gonna be another little kid that's gonna put it together.
Alright, it's saved. It's saved.
Um, so anyways, uh, let's read a little bit of fucking ad shit here before my screen goes dark.
Hang on a second.
I find that shit, I find it,
I find all that stuff fucking amazing.
It's really, really interesting.
If you just remove yourself from it,
the humanity of it or whatever,
and all the people that it's affecting
and kids not getting better school books and shit,
if you just look at the fucking game that's going on,
it's really fucking interesting.
All right.
Oh shit! All right. Oh shit
All right. How many more of these fucking things do I have?
All right. We're going to and to that. All right, you guys are you already listen to fucking two of these
Let's get back to the podcast shall we?
All right. Oh
Jesus. Oh Jesus. I got to bring it up my Boston Bruins
unfortunately After a big big win over the Detroit Red Wings,
got beat down by Ottawa 6-1 and were out of it. You know what's funny? We beat Detroit
the game before and then because we lost, Detroit got in. And do you know there was
actually a certain amount of fucking Redwing fans that were actually talking shit?
The smart ones were going, hey, thanks for losing. And then the other ones were like,
ugh, fucking 26 years in a row.
We've been in the playoffs. Yeah, it's impressive. But this year you backed in like a bitch. You went in ass-first.
I don't know what you fuck. I mean, because a team that you couldn't even beat when it count two days before
You know who fucking manhandled you. I don't know what you're excited about
You know you like the fat chick who got you know fucking ass to the prom
You know you're all exe just you just wanted to be there. Who's getting who you're there for the fucking buffet
And then you're going home crying
That's what I'm predicting for Detroit.
Your makeup's going to be running by game three of the first series.
I'm fucking with you.
I have no hate for anybody that's in the playoffs this year.
I think I'm going to want, and I've always liked Detroit.
Um, cause when I was growing up, they never won shit.
The big thing is they hadn't won it since 1955 with Gordie Howe.
They were in the middle of a 40-year drought before they got a team around Iserman.
Man, those were great times watching hockey.
That fucking avalanche, Red Wings fucking rivalry.
That was the best.
It was the first time when I lived in LA and the games came on at five.
I totally got back into hockey. It was the first time when I lived in LA and the games came on at five and I
totally got back into hockey. You know, it was original six. Oh, it's the best. I'm sorry.
Fucking yawning here. So, um, so this year, I think in the East, uh, I'm going to, I'm
going to, I'm going to root for two fucking teams this year in the East and the West.
Uh, I'm rooting for the capitals to push through to get to the finals.
And as much as I like the Kings and the Blackhawks, just to switch it up, I'd love to see the
Dallas Stars or the St. Louis Blues.
You know, somebody different, you know.
St. Louis Blues, who's kidding?
Their fans have been waiting for fucking ever.
They have been in the league.
They're part of the Expansion 6 that came in 1967.
Alright?
The NHL was a six-team league before that, right after the Depression.
There was a lot of people that... I didn't realize this either.
There was a bunch of other teams, not a bunch, but there was like at least four other fucking teams or something
that all folded after the Depression. And the six that survived then became known as the
original six. So in 1967, six teams came in. Can you name a bill?
Off the top of my head, let's see, there was the Flyers, the Penguins, the North Stars,
The Penguins.
The North Stars.
Oh, Jesus.
The California Golden Seals.
Oh, man, I used to know this off the top of my head. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Capitalism coming into the early 70s.
Fuck me.
St. Louis Blues.
Jesus Christ, I just brought them up.
One more. One more. Was it a Seattle team?
Cleveland Barons. That's what the fucking
Golden Seals became, didn't they? Oh, the fucking LA Kings.
Yeah, the LA Kings. Way the
fuck out there. And that was funny when the Golden Seals, like, folded
or went to Cleveland.
They went to Cleveland just like the dreams of all the sports fans there. They just fucking died a
slow miserable death. And like that franchise just died out. Nobody bought it and went nowhere. It
just went to Cleveland and fucking died. So for the longest time, the only game in town out fucking West was the Kings.
Every fucking road trip they had was like at least a three, four hour fucking flight.
Denver didn't have a team.
Vancouver didn't have a team.
Edmonton, Calgary, they had nothing.
They were just out there by themselves.
You know, basically fucking whatever actresses couldn't bang a Los Angeles They were just out there by themselves, you know?
Basically fucking whatever actresses couldn't bang a Los Angeles Dodger or an LA ramp.
They got sloppy thirds.
That's what was going on.
So anyways, yeah, we lost.
So congratulations to the Flyers and the fucking Red Wings.
There was two spots left, three teams vying for it. And, uh, we didn't get in and like clockwork the day after we don't get in.
What Boston sports writer who doesn't watch hockey do you think piled on
immediately and as always calls for the wrong head to be chopped off.
Good old Dan Shaughnessy, the noodle headed cunt himself, who doesn't watch
hockey, doesn't like hockey, chimes in, something's got to be done. It's time. Based on what,
Dan? All the hockey you never fucking watch. Um, Claude Julien, this was actually one of
his finest coaching performances of the year, of, I mean, of his career, they traded the entire fucking team away.
Basically they, it was what they got rid of over the last few years.
Tyler Sagan, Johnny Boychuk, Dougie fucking fresh there,
fucking Milan Lucic. It was just, I was like,
we got nothing.
We got nothing left.
I know, look at Marshawn, we got Bergy,
we still had Chara, Chara's older now,
but basically, who's kidding who?
Anybody who fucking watches hockey,
looked at the Bruins, it was like, you know what?
This is a rebuilding year.
And all the way up to like mid March,
Chloe Julian had this, this rebuilding year team was a third seat.
Everybody was bunched together. We hit a bad patch, you know, went out West,
tough fucking run. We lost some games. The next thing you know, we were fighting for the playoff lives as they say, and we didn't win. I mean,
I mean, I don't know if you get,
I would get if anybody's heads going gonna get chopped off, you chop the
head off of whoever made all those fucking trades, but, you know, the bottom line is
the guy who made the first half of those already got his head chopped off and then you got,
was it Michael Connell?
You got to give this guy a chance, right?
He can't just go one and done.
I fucked up with that B. They just gave gave Chloe Julian a fucking watch for having the most Vic the most wins ever of any
Bruins coach he got us our first fucking Stanley Cup in like
What was it almost 40 years?
And then what a couple years later. He doesn't not a coach hockey anymore
Why is it time Dan Shaughnessy
Why is it time, Dan Shaughnessy? Why is it time?
Because it's too early in the baseball season, you got nothing to write about.
This guy's forever calling for somebody's head.
You know what, Dan?
You know what I think it's time for you to do?
It's time for you to stop writing about hockey or maybe watching maybe fucking five games
in a goddamn season.
Un-fucking-believe.
That guy, I swear to God, at the end of the day, I think think he's from New York City the way he just tries to pull apart fucking teams it's
unbelievable you know what I mean he's like somebody with some mob guys
gumar that they end up having a whack cuz you can't keep her fucking mouth
shut oh Jesus bill go easy on the guy he's just trying to sell some fucking
papers um I don't really hate Dan Shonessy i don't know the guy but i can tell you right now uh
he's one of the few people that looks less athletic than me
anyways anywho as i as i was talking about earlier
um i've been doing the whole fucking clean living thing since I got back from yet another lost
bachelor party weekend slash standup dates run with my buddies there, Ferzi and Bartnik.
So this whole week, no booze, no porn, no cigars, nothing.
I got the cigar thing.
I got that thing on fucking lockdown.
I don't have them in my house.
I think about doing, I don't think about doing it as much.
And I only had one cigar in March
and I'm gonna try to just have one this month.
Although,
look, I'm thinking about only having one
and then I'm also thinking about having a fucking cigar
night over here.
I might do that because I have like fucking, I don't know, about 10 cigar friends.
Unless you smoke cigars, you don't know what that means.
But it's just people that call, hey, I'm going to smoke.
You want to come by, right?
So all of a sudden I have 10 opportunities a month.
People call me, come on, man, come by and smoke, come by and smoke combine smoke and next thing you know you smoked in like seven eight nine ten of them
So I'm gonna invite all of them over to my house the same fucking night
And I'll smoke one cigar with all ten of them rather than smoking one each with ten individuals
How does that math work right then? I'll create a shell company
So anyways so I bought this time magazine on watching internet porn and how it's fucking
up kids like they're, you know, the amount of shit that they see before they even get
their first fucking hand job, it turns them into like these fucking sociopaths.
And I got to admit, reading some of the articles, like I could relate to a lot of the shit that
was going on.
So I'm really just going to fucking, going to try to stop that cold turkey.
You know, I got to stop looking at that shit.
Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.
See this clean list, what clean living does for you.
Ten thirty at night, I'm fucking yawning.
I'm ready to go bed right now, get my fucking jam jams.
And here and here I am supposed to be there for you.
You guys are sitting there at work.
The last fucking thing you need.
You probably already had a doughnut.
You're going to see a sugar crash here in a minute.
And here I am yawning on you.
So, what else can I talk about here?
Oh yeah, clean living.
If you're trying to have some clean living, do not watch the Lemmy documentary,
which I just watched for the second time.
Makes you want to have a couple of drinks because you like look how long that guy fucking lived all the shit that he did you know fucking
yard it again all right 39 minutes in I can do the last 21 minutes here without
yawning here we go here we go. Here we go. All right.
By the way, for people out there, I mentioned some of the helicopter shit I did. Did I tell
you I finally did that solo flight that I wanted to do from Long Beach? And I went through
the Bravo airspace with the planes taking off over you, you know, at LAX. Came right around, looked at the house, flew over the fucking house that they, uh, the
horse's head from Godfather.
Right down Sunset over to El Monte and then back to, um, oh, I did tell you that because
that's when I saw the old guy fall off the fucking scooter.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I thought I didn't think that I told you that one.
I was just thinking
about that shit the other day. Of course, my fucking headphones go out. What the fuck?
I knew it. I fucking knew it. I knew that was going to happen.
So anyways, I was at the comedy store on Saturday night and I was trying out this new chunk
that I've been fucking with for the last couple of months and I finally got it down.
I said it as perfect as I could say it. Of course I didn't, I didn't fucking, I didn't tape.
Of course I didn't tape. Why would I tape? That would have been a smart thing to do.
But whatever, I said it so I'll get it back. And I felt fucking great about it.
And then today I got text messages from two different comedians telling me
That they loved the new shit that I was doing. I just I just made my fucking day. So I'm really excited about
Getting that shit together because I want to do another special this year and
I got some stuff in my act. That's funny, but I just feel like the topics have been done before
So I'm gonna try to like, you you know, push that shit to the wayside.
Maybe that'll just be on the, the, some of those topics will just be on like the,
uh, when I released the vinyl of the Madison square garden show, I'll just
keep them on that one.
There'll be some extra jokes.
It won't be the same material.
I don't know.
I'm just excited about the, uh, the next few months, how that shit's going to turn
out, but, uh, before I get into the questions this week, everybody, I have to
give a shout out to rogue fitness.
Who evidently was listening to the podcast.
I was breaking their balls.
You know, I'm making a gym.
I'm paying somebody to build a gym for me out in my garage, a little gym there in
the back and I got all my shit through rogue Fitness. They just had the best shit out there. And
I was just joking with them that, you know, how dare you not send me free shit? I didn't
even ask him for it. He just immediately came to the podcast, breaking their fucking balls.
And they listened to the one where there was me and Nia. Nia told me to get the regular
looking weights, just the ones that look like iron or whatever.
And I wanted the colorful ones and she thought that they were corny.
So all of a sudden I just got this shipment of these colorful weights and I was laughing
going, oh man, I must have fucked it up.
I got the colorful ones.
So I wrote them trying to ask how to send it back.
And they said, no, we listened to the podcast.
They sent me some free weight and they sent me a t-shirt.
So I, you know, Rogue Fitness, I I was fucking around you didn't have to do that
You guys are solid man, and I'm I can't wait to you know
Use your your equipment cuz it's you know it's great made in the USA all good stuff
Oh look who's here the busy body the lovely Nia did you get some Thai food?
Did you grab a mic?? Yes. Did you? Grab a mic.
Or do you want to eat?
Do you want to eat?
I got another 17 minutes here.
17 minutes.
The mics are in the closet.
Why don't you sit down and help me
through with the questions?
Why don't I hook it up?
Because I'm actively doing the podcast right now. Actively.
You can use your hand if you want to.
Huh? Oh, Jesus. You know, if you're gonna be in a mood like that.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Jesus.
What's that?
He just walked out on me.
Um, anyways, alright, well I'm gonna start reading the first one then.
Okay. You don't care? I do care. Anyways, alright, well I'm going to start reading the first one then.
You don't care?
Alright.
Oh, by the way, you know something, I was taking my dog out for a walk today.
You know, we were walking up into the park there and this is before she puked and I decided
to turn around and come home.
She started to know where she started yakking.
Made me feel bad.
I was like, Jesus, I Hope it wasn't something I did. It wasn't hot out or anything
Another has a very sensitive stomach
Well another fucking group of people come up the second they get into the park
They just fucking don't say what park they go to the fucking park and they fucking take the leashes off
The fucking dogs come right up to my dog. Yeah
It's like my dog isn't
My dog my dog is ignores other dogs it chills
And then like when you are bugging my dog, it doesn't go it never has the hey, can you do me a favor?
Can you knock it off?
It immediately just grabs you like remember Friday the 13th when Jason was under the cot and grabbed that dude's head and reached
up?
I guess it was the chicken, the first one.
I met a dog tonight who just didn't like anybody, but I realized quickly what it was.
His owner was holding him, and any time anyone came towards the owner like, oh, hey, oh,
what a cute dog, the dog would start growling.
It's so funny because he said to one of the people, oh, pet him. I'm like,
no, your dog doesn't want to be pet. It growls at everybody. I think the dog was protecting
the owner. Like I said, anyone came towards him, he started growling. He was so clueless
that he was like, oh, he's fine. Just pet him. I'm like, no, you can't pet the dog if
it's growling at people.
The dog-
I can't judge him, our dog's a psycho.
The dog went to bite me.
Like it actually kind of like put its teeth around my finger.
It went to bite you?
Like it walked across the fucking room?
No, I went over and it-
I go over there and bite that.
It put my finger in between its teeth
and didn't chomp down.
Little dog?
Yes, but it was a biting behavior. So basically, if little dogs were people,
they'd be riding around in convertibles, like a Corvette or some shit.
I have to leave in 11 minutes.
All right. So you want to do one question?
Yeah, let's do it.
All right. Job. Hey, Billy Buray. I'm working part-time job and I have a problem. Let me see if there's a relationship one here
Why can't well boyfriend? All right, can I not be involved in the the job one? Well, I just feel like I always give the guy
Advice
Well, maybe it's time to shake it up a little bit that's what I was trying to do
Have you give some lady advice on some relationship?
That's what I was trying to do, have you give some lady advice on some relationship. Oh God, are you going to go on a feminist rant here?
You know, women can answer other fucking questions too, you know.
Yeah.
Ask another question that doesn't have to do with relationships.
Hey, you know, I'm trying to give you a nice softball here.
I'm trying to lob it over the fucking plate.
You don't need to fucking softball anything to me, first of all.
Oh Jesus, rolling your head.
Here we go.
When all reality is showing me there.
All right, I'm working a part-time job
and I have a problem related to it.
All right, the job is I work at a fucking ice cream parlor.
It's at an ice cream place in my town.
And the second time I worked there, a while back,
I had a god-awful shift.
I didn't have all the kinks of the job worked yet, and I was working with someone I didn't
know which made me more nervous.
The night quickly became a, you know this word, Kafkaesque parade.
Who's that?
Oh!
No, is it writer?
Is he a philosopher?
Did he have a particular political view. I think
he died in a boating accident. Whatever it was. Communist Kafka ask Joseph Kafka. I
think he's one of those. It's like a philosopher. J. Lo. No. Before she goes on tour. I'm not
going to lie and say I know exactly who.
Can we Google it though?
I really feel like it's Joseph Kafka.
Can we just read the fucking question?
The night quickly became a Kafka-esque parade of horrific errors.
I screwed up orders, stock things wrong, et cetera.
And by the end of the night, my coworker was audibly invisibly disgusted with me and she
should have been.
She's a-
Franz Kafka.
Okay.
Sorry.
German language writer of novels and short stories who is, oh my God, he died the day
after my birthday.
And therein lies the tragedy.
All right, here we go.
Fuck you.
All right, put down your phone.
Let me finish. I'm trying to learn what co- I was going to say surreal. All right, here we go. Fuck you. All right, put down your phone.
Let me finish.
I was going to say surreal.
I was right, yes.
This is not entertaining.
Sorry.
This isn't entertaining for people.
Kafka asked, elements often appear in existential works, but the term has transcended the literary
realm to apply to real life occurrences in situations
that are incomprehensibly complex, bizarre, or illogical.
There we go.
Franz Kafka.
All right.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
So the ladies are, the lady is, was upset with him and he's saying, you know, audibly
and visibly disgusted with me and she should have been.
Okay.
She's in college and I'm in high school.
So luckily I never had to work with her again after the summer was over and she went back to her classes.
But even as recently as spring break, I've heard she's still talking shit about me. You
heard this all the way back. She's at some college. Yeah. How did you hear that? Yeah.
They're all on the Facebook. Oh, Grampy.
I love saying the.
The Facebook.
You guys taking the Molly?
No, you wouldn't know Molly
if you were the Grampy.
The Molly?
Whatever, just an old guy.
That was my dad when he used to get mad at my sister.
Christ, is she on that internet?
Is she on that internet?
It's almost summer again, and I'm almost definitely going
to have to face her if I work regularly.
If I do, I know for a fact I'll fuck things up immediately
purely from anxiety.
Dude, you should be like the fucking older, wiser guy
crushing it, and then you fucking bang her.
Confidence, my friend.
Wait, what? What do you mean, bang her? it's all there why do you what is all there you can
make her a mall she get two straws you know what cuz she's the older woman
right and she has to be tamed by getting that dick is that what it is I didn't
say that yeah you basically did no like going there with the confidence and then you bang her.
Yeah.
Because your life is like a fucking movie from the 1920s, Bill, where the guy is slapping
the woman around and is like, get it together, see?
And she's hysterical.
No, no.
He completely fucked up.
Postmates here.
Postmates here.
This is like one of those coming of age movies where in the beginning the nerd's like, you'll
walk away from me.
The nerd is looking at the cheerleader
and she's dating the impossible dick
with the blonde wavy hair, right?
And somebody does a fucking triple Lindy.
Jesus Christ, I went sideways, huh?
The fuck just happened there?
Listen, because I'm not gonna be able to get a word in,
in defense of what I was saying, right?
He makes an ass out of himself in front of this older
fucking broad.
See this isn't sexist.
Now you come back, you're a little older, a little wiser, you're a year older, you're
still growing, you're filled out a little bit.
All of a sudden you're crushing it.
You're making a fucking couple banana splits and a smoothie all at the same time.
And she's just like, wow, this isn't the man that I left the year, you know, the year before. All of a sudden, you guys are working closely.
You know, ice cream's always romantic.
What kind of fucked up advice are you giving?
I'm not giving anything advice.
I'm telling this kid to fucking shake it off.
He goes, if I don't work often, I could lose my job as we've got more employees than we
need and I really have a great setup.
Now that I've learned it, the work is easy.
I basically pick my own hours and my boss says, by far the sweetest racist homophobe
I've ever met in my life.
Any ideas besides the obvious murder?
He said, you're stand up as killer.
I hope I can see you perform sometime.
Yeah, dude, you gotta grow a dick here, man.
You're the fucking man.
You've been there for a year.
You know what's going on.
Just be like, I don't know, just, I don't know.
What do you, do you have a crush on this woman?
If she's not gonna fuck you,
then why do you care what she thinks?
Is that bad, Nia?
Yes.
What does fucking have to do with it? Just have confidence in yourself and do the job. Also, this is a high school person that's writing in.
This is somebody who's making ice cream cones and he's scared out of his mind about some
woman who's not even fucking. He doesn't want to ask her out. What is the problem? She's
going to yell at you about the way you put the fucking cherries on something?
Yeah, because it's a job and he's worried about how he's going to be perceived. You
remember what it was like to be at that age where every little thing means disaster and
the bigger picture.
Oh, so is he...
This is just a job. This is not a good deal.
Is he catastrophizing?
A little bit, yeah. I think you're worried a little too much about nothing. Just do your
job, do your thing, don't even worry about it.
And there's plenty of other jobs out there, by the way.
He should just be totally cocky when she comes in.
What up, bitch?
Yeah, I'm sure that'll go real well.
Oh.
Poop air float, float.
It's how I do.
Kiss with a little peace sign.
No.
No, honey.
Ice cream hat to the side.
Weed, pussy or nothing.
Jesus Christ.
Pushing all the chips in. This is the World Series of
Poker.
Hey there Billy Boy. I'm a new listener
to your podcast but a long time fan
of your stand up. I was wondering if you could help me out with a dilemma I'm facing.
So my weed dealer put the moves on me my last time I was at her place.
Nothing came of it, but I could tell she was trying to get me to fuck her.
Until now, I thought it was weird that she began to sell me pot for practically nothing.
Wow. She's cool and I've hung out with her at her place many times to just smoke weed.
Just as well, I'm single so I have no problem getting some strange pussy that falls into
my lap.
The problem is that she's a very heavy broad and completely unattractive.
Oh, Jesus. But she sells the best weed in the area.
Dude, this is fucking, this has all the makings of the great first 10 pages of a script.
We've established who the characters are. Oh yeah. Now we've got the problem.
This story goes super far with this premise.
Oh God. You know what? You know what I love? You know what I love?
I just wanted to do that. I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. Okay, you know what? You know, I love you know that guys
You know that guys just want to fuck you women know that you use it to your advantage to get shit
And then when we admit that that's what we want to do
You look oh my god
I really wish someone would tell the story about a guy who's getting thrown pussy left and right and doesn't know what to do
With it and it's like a coming of age and I'm sure he's also fighting with his friends a little bit about like,
what door are we going to stay in in college?
It's just hilarious.
He's got this heavy broad that he's not attracted to, who's this fucking weed dealer.
Yeah, she's got the best weed.
He knows he wants she wants to fuck him.
Well, what was the rest of the story?
Does he want to?
This is a fuck. Come on. Seth Rogen would crush this.
Oh, you are in it.
You know what?
You're hungry.
You're like him in that Snickers commercial.
I don't even know who you are.
No, no, I'm sure Seth Rogen would write a phenomenal, transcendent script that Jonah
Hill would act out and it would just be like, wow, is this what it's like?
What is wrong with you?
I like all of those people and I like those movies.
You don't like hot tub time machine.
What is it like to be chubby and awkward and not know what to do with your life?
Oh, why are you being a jerk?
I don't know.
You're being a jerk.
Yeah, you're hungry.
I am being a little bit of a jerk.
Apologize to Seth Rogen.
I'm also a little, I'm a little whatever. Okay. Yeah, you are. You're a little out of a jerk. Apologize to Seth Rogen. I'm also a little bit of a mo-mo-mo-mo.
Okay.
Yeah, you are.
You're a little out of sorts here.
Okay.
All right.
You're burning bridges into this town, sweetie.
Let me tell you something.
Those bridges don't come back.
What's the rest of the story?
But she sells the best weed in the area.
I don't want to not fuck her and then ever cut me off, but at the same time I feel that I if I do fuck her
Then I'm no better than an addicted crack or doing a line off some fat guy's dick
So guess what when it comes down to it do I fuck my ugly drug dealer for good cheap?
We my god, or do I just question or do I just find a new dealer with super herb and pay more money?
Thanks, hope all is well with you, ginger fuck.
God shit, ginger fuck.
Have you ever heard the expression, don't shit where you eat?
Yeah.
Don't fuck your weed dealer.
Yeah, just don't fuck her.
This is a business relationship.
Keep it business. Should he lie and start talking about how he has a girlfriend
No, just buy weed from her and like just let it be business. Yes. Stop smoking with her and also like I
Mean, maybe she's desperate for your cock, but maybe you're like reading into it. She might be trying to fuck you and the next dude
So she's giving me so she's she's a drug dealer. She's hustling. She's hustling for like customers
She's hustling for dick like don't get excited. You know, you're not the only one brah. So you think
Yeah, but she's giving it away for next to nothing if she does that she's not gonna make any money
True. She's making it in other ways. I
Don't know. I feel like just don't fuck your weed
dealer. That just sounds like a disaster written all over it. Or get yourself a really good
connect now, have that in your back pocket. So if you do decide to, the only reason why
you would fuck your weed dealer is if you actually want to fuck her, not because you're
so desperate for the best weed ever. Have you really had the best weed in like your entire city?
Probably not so calm down. Don't he's got a dealer
Uh-huh. I mean, you know, you're kind of into the habit. You're not just going
Hey
Can I get a hit off that when you fucking go in there week after week to the point that the weed dealers are a dime?
A dozen though. There's it's not like a specialty. I'm just saying saying this fucking chick is, he's buying so much weed off of her she's
developing feelings for.
She's not. He might be cute.
Jesus.
And she might have a little crush but like it's not that serious. My point is it's not
that serious. Don't fuck your weed dealer unless you want to have a problem with your
weed dealer and you don't want to have a problem with a drug dealer. Trust you don't want to have a problem with a drug dealer.
Trust me.
Weed dealer wants to fuck one of her customers.
Of course.
I completely believe it.
I'm just saying, just don't go there.
It's not worth it.
That's my bottom line.
She's usually not this grumpy, you guys.
I'm not grumpy.
Old boyfriend texts wife.
Old Billy cheese balls
Where'd that come from? I don't know. I just fucking make up names for me
Oh, okay. All right very happily married for 25 years to the hottest wife and mother of our three sons
She's in spectacular shape and beautiful while on vacation in Palm Springs
Right just keep yourself in shape
Just keep yourself in shape.
Yeah, we're visual animals. We're visual animals. I know.
There's a reason why all those gay guys are walking around with six-packs because they know what they're trying to attract.
Yeah.
Don't bring the gays into this.
Do you think all those gay guys want to go to the gym that much? They have to.
If they don't, that's the end of the dick train
and they know it. They know it. Oh, they know it. All right. So anyways, while on vacation
in Palm Springs, I caught a glimpse of her phone screen and saw a text from PB. PB was
asking how's the weather? So I asked her who PB is. After a little persuasion, she
replied it's Dave. Dave is a boyfriend from her high school years and he is a former fiance.
This is awful. She promised it was nothing. I asked if they had seen each other.
Why does she have him underneath a different name though?
That's pretty suspect.
When you have the person's name saved under an alias.
PB.
What does PB mean?
Penis. Brilliant. Brilliant penis. She's dyslexic.
Penis babe.
Penis babe! penis babe
Pussy banger
maybe
It was a capital P and then a lowercase b. I don't know why he did it. If you guys have any suggestions what PB would stand for
Come on it's fun. It's what social media is all about.
It goes, she promised it was nothing.
I asked if they had seen each other or slept together.
She said no.
I believe her.
Okay.
Oh Jesus.
It's her former fiance.
Does he mean now?
I guess now.
Or maybe I just want to believe her she's otherwise a very honest person
Well, I sent Dave a text and here's what I said. Oh
Beautiful. I'm only gonna say this once you're nothing but a sleazy cocksucker
You've crossed the line of decency go fuck yourself or better yet. Go choke to death on some poor
Somebody's dick.
Wait, what?
It's a, it's a homophobic.
He was upset.
Never communicate with my wife.
Capital letters ever.
If you pursue her in any way, I'll cut your dick off with a rusty saw blade and
shove it down your throat.
I hope you're getting the message here.
His reply understood. This is the text, name and number deleted.
My question to you is, was I harsh enough with Dave?
And I'm not sure what to do about my wife.
She deleted him from her contacts and she said she has no need to ever communicate with
him again.
What are your thoughts?
Well, I think you need to let it be then.
I have to say that was masterful, that text that he sent to PB, aka Dave.
I think he got the message with that one. Now what do you think?
So do you think she banged him?
No, she was probably sending flirting borderline inappropriate text messages.
I bet you're still as beautiful as the day I took you to prom.
Like that type of shit.
Why are you looking at me like that?
I probably went a little further than that. I don't fucking know.
Because if it were you, Bill Burr, you probably would have said some, like that's why you're
making that face right now. Because you know how you are. You probably would have said
some inappropriate shit over text.
I mean, that's what texting is.
Is that what texting is?
It is. It's, it's, what is, Is that what texting is? It is.
How do I get to the...
Please explain texting to us, Bill Burr.
Please explain how texting works.
Alright. Advice for a fellow ginger.
Oh, moving right along from that one.
Moving right along.
A fellow ginger from Finland here.
I have a decision to make.
I would appreciate some advice from a wise and experienced man like you
Ever since I was a kid. Oh, you've just every fucking thing ever since I was a kid. I've wanted to be an airline pilot
I'm 19 years old and I'm graduating from high school in December. Yes here. We finish high school later
I was just gonna say is that when they graduate from high school in Finland?
Yeah, later than you guys in Merica.
All right.
I have till the end of the year to decide what I want to study.
I've always had a plan after high school.
I would want to go to a flight academy and become a pilot, but now I've started to question
if that's what I really want to do for a living. I mean, an airline pilot is an incredible job, absolutely love flying, and we get to
travel a bunch and see all kinds of amazing places, etc.
Plus, I would get to the sun every day without burning my Nordic ultra-pasty skin.
The captain makes six figures, which is plenty enough for me since I'm not into
money. My only problem with being a pilot is that I would never be completely free,
meaning that for the rest of my life, working for some other douchebag would decide for
me when I can come to work and where I can fly. The idea of being tied up to a company
and having some cunt making all the decisions
for me scares the shit out of me. When I'm older, I want to be able to do things on an impulse
without asking permission from some capital letters other man. Also pilots, but you're just
over there taking pictures of shit near. Also pilots spend a lot of time away from home. And
someday when I start a family and
have kids I want to spend as much time as possible with them so that could be a problem
as well.
Flying planes for a living would be a dream job but it would get in the way of my other
dream of being completely my own man and free.
What do you think?
Should I go study something else?
No.
What you should do is still be into the aviation thing.
You just figure out a way to do what you want to do within aviation.
Okay?
I will equate it to the job that I have.
I am a stand-up comedian which opens up all these doors into the entertainment world,
which a lot of them you think you want to run through until you get to the other side
and then you realize what you're talking about is like, holy fuck, I thought I had the world
by the balls if I got this.
I thought I would be the pimp
and then you realize that you're actually the whore.
So you have to what I would do if I was you is I would still go to flight school I would
learn how to fly and then what I would do is rather than going flying for some commercial
airline there's got to be some other cool shit that you can
do like flying for sightseeing tours. You're not into money, right? Maybe you do that.
Maybe you end up having that business and other people fly for you and you get to fly
around. What other jobs are they? There's fighting forest fires. You know, you do that like helicopters and planes and that type of shit. Sure. Yeah
Listen Just by being a pilot already you got some sort of renegade spirit in you
So I'm sure there's plenty of fucking jobs that you can get in
Aviation I think it pretty much any job
There's there's a way to be in the matrix and then there's a
way to be outside like, you know, he's a renegade that one, you know, don't get tied down with
that guy.
You can definitely do it.
Right?
What do you think?
Yes.
Yeah.
So he should still be a pilot.
Dude, you love to fly.
It's what you want to do.
But you know, there's all kinds of shit.
You could fly for fucking airline, make your money and then leave and then go do something else like start
Your own business. I don't know you're laughing at me right now
19 he's got the whole worries got he's got the world by the fucking shorthairs
It all sounds all sounds good. I was listening to a podcast from a while back
Then you were shitting on the NFL having games in London
He said those games are huge things for us European football fans and. And believe it or not, there are tons of football fans here in Europe.
Uh, the games always sell NFL football sells out out there.
Who knows?
All right.
Here's new.
Who who's here's the last one.
Stuttering here.
Um, okay.
The last question that I actually did with the lovely Nia and now we're fucking
wage gap myth.
Um, oh, did this spark a debate?
Uh, deal dear Billy Baru.
I was one of the fortunate audience members of your epic terrorist performance.
You crushed it.
My opinion.
Thank you very much.
He said the wage gap statistic.
Um, he said, I wanted to bunk a myth for you, the wage gap statistic, you know,
there's this thing right now that they say that a woman gets paid less, 79 cents less to do the exact same job as a guy, which, you know,
my opinion is fucked up.
The job should pay what it should pay, right?
So this guy says the wage gap statistic that you hear about all the time is simply the
average earnings of men and women working full time.
It does not take into account different job positions, hours worked or different jobs.
It has nothing to do with the same work.
It has nothing to do with discrimination.
In 1963, the Supreme Court passed the Equal Pay Act, which makes it illegal to pay different wages for the same job.
If you still don't buy that, then consider this.
If a company could legally pay women less money, do you think those greedy cunts would ever hire a man?
Some decent points there. Once I pulled this wage gap thread, a whole bunch of other feminist
myths started to unravel, but I just wanted to shine a light on this topic. Well, okay,
I'll have to look all of that up. I never looked up the Equal Pay Act, but
of that up. I never looked up the Equal Pay Act, but if they're still able to make the numbers work, then wouldn't that say that guys get the better high paying jobs? Then
does it become that? I'm just asking. All right? That's what I would guess. So I don't
know. Evidently I have some reading to do and I think a lot of feminists do too that
just jump on the bandwagon. I'll look up the Equal Pay Act.
I don't know, who the fuck knows?
I mean, one of the dumbest fucking ways to get somebody to listen to your goddamn opinion
is to just sit there and be like, you got it better than us.
Your life is fucking easy.
That immediately puts the other side going like, you know what?
Fuck you.
Fuck you and your brassiere.
You know, my fucking life's easy.
I just dealt with this, this, this, and this, you know?
It just puts people into that mindset.
I don't know, that whole fucking yelling and screaming and shit, you know?
Believe me, as a yeller and a screamer, I know it doesn't make people listen to you.
It just makes people just go, oh my God, I want to get away from this person or that
person's a fucking lunatic. That's been my experience trying to convey ideas since I was a little orange headed child.
I don't know what's going on.
Okay.
At the end of the day, people should, the job should pay what the job pays and the best
person should get it.
But sadly that is never going to happen because there's always going to be the boss's son,
there's always going to be the hot chick,
there's always going to be the racist, the homophobe,
the person who comes in with the southern accent
and you're up north or vice versa
and somebody's mentally still fighting the war
or think southern people are stupid.
The only way to take the human element out of it
is to gradually, slowly but but surely dumb down human beings make everything
Automated and you slowly replace them with free-thinking robots, which is basically what's going to happen by free-thinking
I mean they agree with the upper 1% and not even the upper 1% the upper 1% of the 1% that doesn't even show up
You know
There's a lot of you remember all the blue blood money and everybody kind of knew how much money they had and now they all say
That oh they gave away a lot
You know the Rockefellers are you know?
Their fortune isn't what it's worth. They used to be the Vanderbilt's they're only worth like 75 million dollars now
I mean, that's I don't know
There's all these stories out there that there's families that are so big and powerful. They're above any sort of borders and they fucking,
you know, when they travel by yacht, it's only like, it's like their little Navy.
And they just, it's, I love conspiracy theory and they just float around.
They pull up to the dock and countries just come out and give them bags of gold. And then
they just disappear. It's like water world, except, you know, without the, uh, you know, I don't know,
except they still have all the amenities because the world hasn't flooded over
yet.
Does that make any sense?
You know, I think that's as good a spot to stop as any.
My apologies for, uh, fucking up the podcast this week.
Um, you guys have a nice couple of fucking days.
And can I end on some more drum nerd shit?
I told you my drum teacher's taken me through that Sting album,
Ten Summer's Tales or whatever that has the great Vinny Carluda on it
and how they played in all these odd times but they wanted to imply four-four time.
And he finally taught me on that seven days, which is in five which I love
He finally wrote out what he was doing on the hi-hat, which is basically he's playing that it's four
Four against five he's playing five underneath, but he's implying four in the hi-hat and
After all these fucking years of trying to figure out how to do it
He finally he just wrote out one line of it and now it makes sense
To me and it's basically on the hi-hat. I just still count in five but you just count you know underneath you if you listen to it you count in one two three four five one two three One, two, three and five.
And the second time through you accent two and four.
Try that.
That's the way I've been doing it.
Now, granted, this is massively filtered down
from a professional drummer to a standup comedian who cannot read out loud.
All right, that's it.
Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. I who cannot read out loud. Alright, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.
I'll talk to you on Thursday.
I'll check in on you.
Bye.
This is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness
and cleanliness is gulliness
and God is empty just like me.
Ooh.
Intoxicated with the madness Thanks for watching!