Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-24
Episode Date: April 18, 2024Bill rambles about the 80's, war for resources, and driving at night in Los Angeles. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (32:50) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback - 4-18-16 Bill rambles about getting m...auled, French maids, and vampires. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: The Allman Brothers - Jessica
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What's going on, dude?
It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday Morning
Podcast and ah ha ha ha check it in on you.
Oh, ow. Hey, um, sorry. You might think oh Jesus, Bill, did you have a cup of coffee?
No, I did not. This is not me. Why? This is me over tired. Oh, Billy
fucking baseball. Oh, Billy Red Sox. I've been watching the fucking Red Sox getting through
this whole this tough stretch. Everybody's hurt. Travis Story. What's the story? He's out for the
fucking season. That kid O'Neil hits all the home runs. banged into some other guy, but guess who stepped up tonight? Guess who stepped up?
Tana fucking Hauke pitched a gem, pitched a gem, full nine innings,
full nine innings, and got the win over the Cleveland Guardians.
It's amazing, getting older as a sports fan,
it's like the fucking teams move, they change the names.
It's incredible.
The lack of effort that we've done to try to make up for that genocide of those people.
Tell you what, after fucking 100-something years later, we'll change the name of a baseball
team.
It was out of respect.
Hey, can we have some of our land back?
Ah no, no you can't. No you can't. Public apology? Not happening. However, they're called the Cleveland
Guardians now. You're welcome. Enjoy your casinos, four of you. White people, that's how we do it. So is it how we do it? Or is
that how human being I don't even know? You know, who knows? What do you mean?
Apologist now? I don't know what I'm fucking talking about. I'm sitting in my
my little drum room right now, just playing some fucking drums, cause you know, I liked, you know, sixth grade of my life
and I try to live it as much as that.
I gotta play a song with somebody tomorrow,
a Green Day song.
I, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
went up and I walk alone.
It's kind of like they could have played that at the end of the Hulk
If you listen to the lyrics when Bill Bixby used to walk away all sad on the TV show I walk alone
You know If Green Day had the presence of mind to write that song when they were four years old if they could have stepped it up
a little
I'm actually a huge huge huge Green Day fan and Trey Cool fan. He just comes up with like the sickest fucking
parts and how do you not love a power trio? Three guys making all that fucking
noise all that energy. You know what that's what this generation needs right
now. A lot of people think it's low interest rates, they think it's college education,
all you need is a good power trio
that every once in a while puts out a fucking double album
that you can do some drugs to
and then you can just sort of ignore the world's problems.
That's how we used to do it.
I came across something,
we're talking some music here today.
I came across this post on Instagram
and it is out of all the tours in the 80s that I missed.
The one that bugs me as far as the heavy metal tours
that came and went and I fucking missed it
was I missed Guns N' Roses opening
for Motley Crue on the Girls Girls Girls Tour.
Yes, that's how fun the 80s was.
There was an actual tour called Girls Girls Girls
named after the album, and no one was like,
um, why isn't it women, women, women?
Nobody gave a shit?
Nobody knew where their kids were.
There wasn't cameras everywhere.
Sometimes that was a bad thing.
But for the most part, it was a good time.
I mean, you could literally start a bonfire
out in the fucking woods with like 40 other kids.
And it took like at least an hour to 90 minutes before the cops showed up and we all knew they were coming
But in that 90 minutes
You packed a weekend in and then the my favorite thing ever
Being like eight beers in because you'd be boozing before you got there
You would just drive you people just drove drunk
We see you get a 12 pack or maybe some good shit at work got you a fucking case. And then you just drove around and you found
other kids driving around with a case of beer. And they'd be like, hey, man, we're all going
down, you know, where I was back in the day, it was called Dan Road. We're going down Dan
Road. It was a fucking industrial park. And then everybody drove off-road into the fucking...
whatever the hell it was.
It's probably all buildings now.
And you go down there
and you would just fucking party,
sometimes for hours.
And then the cops would finally show up
and everybody would run,
unless you had a car,
and then you had to act like you were sober,
and then you got to do that, you know?
Sort of my first acting.
No, I have not been drinking. I was out here,
dropped a book on the way home and I thought perhaps this was... And where do you live? Way
over there. Why would you be walking over here? I don't know, sir. I don't know. Don't you think
your uniform's a little silly? And that's the dumb shit you would say when you fucking drunk.
Anyway, I said I was gonna talk music, so
there was a tour, so when Guns N' Roses'
Appetite for Destruction came out,
I, for whatever reason, I heard
Welcome to the Jungle
on the radio, and it didn't really get me, get me,
but I was like, I need a new band or something.
First time I heard it, it didn't quite grab me, get me, but I was like, I need a new band or something. First time I heard it, it didn't quite grab me,
but I went and I bought the cassette tape.
I just started listening to it.
And each time I would listen to it,
I would kept listening to Welcome to the Jungle,
and then I would listen to It's So Easy,
and I kind of liked that.
And then all of a sudden I was three songs in,
and I was way ahead of the curve on everybody else.
I was living in North Carolina, I had nothing to do. I was waiting for the
ACDC blow up your video fucking tape to come out. I mean, this was my life. I was working
in a fucking restaurant that was going out of business. So I was busing tables, I was
working on the grill with a fucking chef hat making ship shrimp brochettes and burgers and
chicken sandwiches. And I'd be watching the dining room and as people finished up, I would duck down,
I would take off the hat nape and underneath it I had a busboy outfit and I would go
out and I would bust the table and I would go back and fucking throw a load of dishes
in and then run back up and go, you know, you know, didn't wash my hands.
There was no signs back then. They didn't say employees must wash all hands.
They just were like, we're going out of business.
You know, the
one of the owners is a coke head and he's been stealing out of the fucking register or whatever the hell happened.
The usual restaurant bullshit. That's never gonna change.
But I was listening to that tape and I moved down there.
I had no friends down there and I was fucking going part-time to school.
It was really a shit year in my life other than the people that I met at the restaurant.
And, um...
So I just kept listening to that album,
and somehow they came around with Motley Crue,
and I missed them, and I'm like,
ah, you know, I'll catch them on the next one.
And then, like, a year after that,
they kicked Steven Adler out.
And I was like, ah...
That was, like, my favorite fucking drummer, you know,
it was right as I played drums, he played a little four-piece kit and I had, you know, I didn't have
any money so I had a little four-piece kit and this guy was getting all this fucking music out
of this little kit and I don't know how, I think in moving back from North Carolina up to Massachusetts, the tour passed me
and I missed him. And I was watching this whole fucking thing on that tour of,
you know, Guns N' Roses talking about how that you know, couple of them were talking about how, you know, they decided they were gonna try to out party Nikki
six and Tommy Lee. And they were just looking at out-party Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee.
And they were just looking at them like,
oh, okay, this again.
Everyone else has failed.
All right, you wanna take a run?
You wanna take a shot at the titles?
Let's go.
And they just started drinking shots and slash pukes
and then goes, all right, I'm ready to keep going.
And of course they drank them under the table
and all of this shit.
And like, just like listen to the stories
was fucking amazing, but also just think,
I can't believe I fucking,
like as far as the late 80s went in Hard Rock,
that was the fucking tour.
That was probably the apex of those shows.
Was the original line-up of Guns N' Roses, opening for Motley Crue in 87, 88.
And you know what's funny? The metalhead that I worked with,
dude Jason, I still remember his name, Metallica fan.
I remember he was like my age and he had like that first mustache you grow, that see-through thing, and he had
his fucking Cliff Burton hair tucked up into his chef hat.
He was the one I burned his hands by accident one time.
I put a plate, he wasn't ready and I fucking I made the order
too quick and he had a bunch of shit to do and I put it to the
side.
And I said, what's up with that burger?
Not thinking, I just grabbed the plate at that point, it was hot. I set it to the side. And I said, what's up with that burger? Not thinking, I just grabbed the plate.
At that point, it was hot.
I said it right.
I said, it's hot.
It just goes, ah!
He made, he screamed so fucking loud.
And then like disappeared out of the window
and everyone turned in the restaurant,
turned around and look, it was a quick yell.
It's like, yeah, like that, right?
And then I ducked down.
I acted like I was bending down to get, you know,
another utensil to cook these people's lunch with.
And I fucking laughed for like, I don't know how long.
I don't care.
Whatever your burger you have,
everybody got at least a medium burger in that lunch.
I was laughing so fucking hard.
The look of like him, like it all happened so fast.
His face went from, I'm just taking a plate to hmm that's weird to fuck all in like like two hundredths of a second
he used every facial muscle and then he fucking scraped it was fantastic for me
anyway so he saw that tour
and I remember thinking like, alright, when that comes back
around I'm gonna see it again and then I ended up
leaving North Carolina. I somehow
missed that fucking
tour and um
you know
I was so walled off musically I'm not even
gonna get into the shit that I should have gone
seen, you know, gone and seen
like Prince on fucking, you know gone and seen like Prince
on fucking you know the Purple Rain Tour, Sign of the Times, any of those things I missed all of those
missed them all you know but I saw all those metal bands like a fucking thousand times
anyway um let's talk about some other cool shit, man. I saw a 75 Cadillac El Dorado.
Silver with fucking red leather interior.
It's just like, why can't we keep doing that?
You know, I'm over the whole fucking horsepower thing.
You know, do they make a car for a man rather than some guy that wants to fucking relive his teenage years?
Does everything have to have a thousand fucking horsepower or these stupid Tesla cars?
You know what driving a Tesla is like? It's driving. Remember those styrofoam coffee cups? It's like driving one of those fucking things.
Except it goes zero to sixty in like a second.
except it goes zero to 60 in like a second.
But I am very forgiving of the Tesla because we're very early on in the resurgence of electric cars
because they were around initially
before the big oil companies kicked the shit out of them.
And if the electric car had won, all right, not only
would we not be fighting wars in Middle East right now, we would
be fighting them in Africa.
Because then they'd be like, we got to get all the fucking
whatever, whatever, whatever that shit is you need for
batteries. That'll be the next fucking battleground. Those will
be the next evildoers. These sociopaths talk half the fucking,
enough of the country into thinking that people
in other countries are evil rather than,
they're just like us.
If you wanna see what other people are like,
watch that documentary that won the Oscar,
I wish I knew the name of it,
that has the home videos of Ukrainians
like leading up to Russia invading them and just know that that's what fucking war looks like.
It's a bunch of fucking people, innocent people walking around living their lives, loving their children,
falling in love, getting their heart broken, fucking going to see Motley Crue and guns and roses, whatever their country's version of that and then all of a sudden
guns and roses, whatever their country's version of that. And then all of a sudden, some greedy ass country,
company is probably better,
word for it comes in to take their natural resources
or they're up against water and that's desirable
because the other fucking country's landlocked.
And I'm not coming down on us, everybody does.
Iraq did that to fucking Kuwait,
although we kind of were sitting on Saddam's chest. So did that to fucking Kuwait, although we kind of
was sitting on Saddam's chest. So he was trying to get out of that.
He was trying to pull a gangster move that guy.
And say what you want. Did you ever see when that guy got
fucking executed? Like I think that guy was like, he looked
like he was still squaring up for a fight. People were yelling at him and he was looking at him giving him shit right back with a fucking
rope around his neck and at any second they were gonna fucking pull the thing
he ended his life going no fuck you he had the deal of that that fucking that
set I had in Philly next time somebody goes dude that's unbelievable it's like
that's not Saddam had a good one too. You're a little better one. All I was doing was
getting booed. This guy was literally at the end of his life telling them to go
fuck themselves. That's the real deal right there. That's the real deal.
Fucking hardcore. That's the kind of guy that leads a country, you know? All of them seem to be okay with murder.
He's got...
And you're just able to sleep like a baby.
Hey, Sonam, how was work today?
Oh, you know, the usual.
Torturing people.
Um...
What's for dinner?
Oh, I didn't make anything.
Then he gives her that look. But I can! Torturing people. Um... What's for dinner? Oh, I didn't make anything.
Then he gives her that look.
But I can!
Ha ha ha ha!
There's the reality series
I want to see.
I want to see a real housewife that's married
to a dictator. Oh, my God!
The real housewives
of the world's dictators.
You have Vladimir Putin.
He doesn't have a wife, does he?
That guy looks like he just fucking, he's still playing hockey.
That guy's still out there crushing it, you know, drinking top shelf vodka, whatever.
They're mistresses.
Oh, that's what it is.
The real housewives of the dictators go up against their side pieces in some sort of,
I don't know, some sort of battle for death, right?
And then the dictators, they talk to all, every other dictator's wife and every other dictator's mistress,
and they try to move the pawns around the board and see who is the most manipulative who is the most evil the
most evil of them all Jesus Christ I think I'm already set up a pitch pitch
meeting with fucking true TV anyway I went for a great flight today with a of mine and landed at this little uncontrolled airport and they had this little fucking
breakfast cafe there where they have like Midwest portions. You know people eat in the Midwest
and all those fucking those giant belts and fucking just those giant people out there like
Everybody in the Midwest, you know every other person seems they look like they fucking played for Nebraska or Iowa
And not some bullshit finesse placey like they like on the line
But you walk into a steakhouse in Chicago and you're looking at people that probably,
you know, blocked for like three of the fucking best current running backs in the NFL or
whatever over the last so many so many years or whatever.
Anyway big portions and everything and they had like a porch sort of overlooking where
these little Cessnas were.
And they had a couple of like, you know, old school plants.
And I was just like looking at the place.
They had a bunch of funny signs
about getting drunk on the wall.
They had big portions.
And I'm like, wait a second.
I'm like, can you smoke on this little balcony here?
She's like, oh yeah.
See people, you're always going to be like, can you smoke on this little balcony here? She's like, oh yeah.
See people, you always got to go mom and pop.
Mom and pop is always going to be better. I was thinking you can't fucking smoke anywhere near a plane
with jet fuel and whatever.
All of this fuel around here.
What are you doing?
You can't smoke.
All there is is no smoking signs around airports.
And they had the porch off the back.
It was like, this is fantastic.
And if elected,
and if elected,
you would be able to smoke a cigar
whenever the fuck you wanted to.
As you can tell, I'm back on this month.
Next month will be off.
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I don't know what so I gotta play this song tomorrow. I went down to the store last night
On Annie Letterman show and I fucking
Was able to do a nice half hour keep the act fresh cuz I'm going out to
Arizona next month Phoenix, Arizona, because I'm going out to Arizona next month, Phoenix, Arizona.
And I got a what I got to do there. I got to do four shows.
I'm playing golf a couple of times.
I'm bringing my buddy out, Vinnie Mark, the fucking hilarious guy.
He also, you know, has been talking shit about golf.
And so I got Verzi on the weekend.
Done a road gig with Verzi in forever.
So we're going to go up against him,
play a little skins game when we're out there.
You know, what the hell?
I figure if it's going to go, if it's going,
if it's going to, what is it, hell in a hand basket?
Why not? You know what?
That's one of those ones you got to look at. Hell in a handbasket? Why not? You know what? That's one of those ones you got to look at.
Hell in a handbasket.
Is that just alliteration?
Or did something happen?
Like, everything either goes back to slavery.
Anytime you do any sort of saying now,
it always goes back to some sort of genocide or slavery or whatever.
I don't know. I give up with that shit.
So maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should not look it up.
So I'm not going to lie to you. I had like a full on fucking depression.
Got some bad news, man. Just fucking, just one of those, really?
Is this what the back nine looks like?
Yeah, right, you know?
And then what do you do?
What do you do?
Well, you smoke 200 cigars, drink 500 cups of coffee,
and then you just finally just go,
what am I doing to myself?
Is this making it any better?
No.
I have found in my older age, I like going for drives and just thinking, you know, at night here in LA.
LA is the coolest city at night, you know.
Literally cools off.
You drive up in the hills, you look down at the city,
it looks like Christmas time
with all the lights and everything.
And I don't know. I think that's why I like, you know, I was talking earlier with all the lights and everything and I don't know I think
that's why I like you know I was talking earlier with all these fucking stupid
horsepower cars it's like everything is just either a ball is piece of shit or
like I don't think I could keep that on the road you know it's like the what not
everybody is a dad who doesn't give a fuck about cars or a speed freak.
Do they make a fucking car for those old school men that I grew up with that had their fucking initials on their shirt sleeves?
Come home with the company car.
They didn't give you a fucking Dodge Challenger.
You got a Lincoln Continental, two-door fucking sedan
with a bench seat so your secretary
could blow you during lunch hour.
No, it was like riding in a fucking living room.
I wonder whatever happened to that.
The last car I remember that was kind of like that
was the Mercedes S550.
The long, the long, the long,
I say the long, the long base chassis that they had.
But I found that car when you drove it,
you just, you felt like a chauffeur. Like a few times I ubered and somebody picked me up in one of those
things before the gas prices got all crazy. Thanks Donald Biden, Joe Trump.
That's what it is. It's not the greedy ass corporations that tell those cunts what to do.
It's the blue and red, red, blue tie.
That's what it is.
Somebody picked me up at one of those and I got to ride in the back seat.
Oh, no, wait, that wasn't it.
This promoter I knew had it.
He picked me up and I was in the back seat.
It had all this leg room and it reminded me. Oh, way back in the back seat, it had all this leg room. And it reminded me,
way back in the day, this buddy of mine,
his dad had a, uh,
an early seventies Ford LTD four door
bench in the front and the back,
fucking shit brown with like sort of gold brown interior with like that metal flex sort of look
about it and um when you sat in the right rear seat and you wanted to talk to the driver like
you had to lean forward so he could hear you it's fucking car was a boat and one of the great nights of my teenage years is we rode into town
and we had these this beer called Heffenreffer. It was known as the Green
Death and the Heffenreffer family was actually from Massachusetts. It was
called the Green Death. It was funny because the alcohol content was like
Wasn't even that much
More than than American beer, but it was kind of like this Canada have more I can spend so long since I drank
I can't remember but it was like
Whatever American beer is it was like one and a half times that or whatever
So it was called the green death because we were young and we didn't know how to drink and you'd be pounding these things
like you were drinking Coors Light and all of a sudden it would catch up with you and
Then you would you would puke you would Ralph you would blow chow
Whatever we used to say dude he fucking blew chow all over his fucking chicks car
So anyway we had a 12 of those and
So anyway, we had a 12 of those and I rode in town with two of my buddies, it was three of us, I remember that, we were riding in town in that fucking car and we were going
to a Bruins game at the old Boston Garden in the Adams division and you just knew there
was going to be a fighter period
Cam Neely Ray Bork, I mean it was just Jay Miller Lyndon Byers all of those guys that whole fucking crew and
Everyone was gonna be shit-faced
and It was just like it was just shit-faced guys and fucking hot chicks that had crushes on hockey plate the hockey players
They always had the hottest chicks.
They always fucking...
To this day, to this day, the fucking hot chicks, they just love the hockey players.
I don't know what it is.
So that's what it was.
You go there, it was like 90% guys and then it was hot chicks with the jersey of the brewing
they had a crush on.
Back when they used to wear white at home
and you wore your colors on the road.
And I just remember going in there
and I was like the perfect level, like buzzed.
And going in there and like,
I was just getting like that taste of freedom as a teenager and I remember thinking like
You know, I'm gonna have a big fucking car like this
You know, I don't know what I'm gonna do for them
I'm a big fucking car like this and I'm gonna have season tickets to the Bruins the Celtics
The Patriots and the Red Sox and whenever I want to go to a fucking game. I'm gonna go to the game
Like that was that was the dream. Ha ha ha ha just watched the end of the penguins,
the penguins and the islanders. I missed the Red Sox. I got busy. I was writing with my buddy and then there's no NBA on so they must be getting ready to go so
I Don't know I was I was getting real down on the Red Sox
I was just like I was joking with a buddy of mine's a Yankee fan
It's like dude
I'm ready to throw in the towel just go wrap my arms around the fighter just be like no Mas
but after that fucking
That extra inning lost the other night they They did show heart, they fought back.
We were down like 5-1 or something.
Came back, we were up 6-5 and then 7-6.
Blew it in the bottom of the ninth
and then lost 10-3 in 11 innings.
But I saw the relief pitcher afterwards
and he was saying,
you know, it sucks, everybody's hurt,
blah, blah, blah, but this team fought back.
And I'm like all right
all right good that's all I needed to hear
I don't want to pack it in on April whatever we are 17 18 or something like that
so anyway don't have any reads this week
but I'm gonna do a bunch of spots around LA make sure I'm nice and sharp
For those shows out in Phoenix and also I got my I'm gonna be taping a special
Coming up. I'll tell you where at some point. I will announce it and
Oh Billy fucking flat stomach is gonna be showing up. I've been crushing it, crushing it with the diet
to the point, like, I don't even crave bad food.
I'm actually craving vegetables and water right now,
which is weird.
Used to be, oh, Jesus.
Oh, oh, Billy.
Oh, Billy fucking, uh,
I used to be old Billy Sweet Tooth. That's one of the best things I did.
You know what I mean? Like
My life work is not becoming a fat bald ginger.
My adult look...
Like that's...
Just nobody needs to see that.
There's enough pain in the fucking world.
I don't need to do that to people.
Okay? I keep myself in shape. I'll wear a fucking hat. I don't need to do that to people. Okay, I keep myself in
shape. I'll wear a fucking hat. You know, I'm doing my part to keep, you know, keep
America beautiful or less ugly. How about that?
Catch me outside. How about that? Anyway, I've been fucking riding that motorcycle like a motherfucker.
After every time I fly, I fucking get on that thing.
I'm starting to figure her out, you know?
I'm downshifting, I'm letting the clutch out, I'm not going...
I'm not doing that shit, I'm kind of...
Fucking chill.
Blinker. Doing the whole thing. Hey, whoa, fucking chill.
Blinker, doing the whole thing.
I'm almost ready to go out in the room, get myself killed. No, that ain't happening.
That ain't happening.
I'm going Tom Cruise, except I'm not in Top Gun,
except I'm not on the fucking, what did he have there?
The fuck were those things a ninja dude i should just look at those
things and get scared i literally thought like you know if you just even gave it a little bit
of throttle like you'd go flying off the back but it now i just for some reason was thinking about
it now that i've been riding again and i was thinking like, what the fuck, if someone wants to ride it up a ramp into the back of a fucking pickup truck?
Like, it's, there's gotta be like, you know,
as they say out here, you know, just,
just be mellow, man, and just fucking, you know.
Those are some of the most,
the hardest videos for me to watch,
are those fails when people try to ride their motorcycles
up into the back of the truck and they don't go far. the most the hardest videos for me to watch are those fails when people try to ride their motorcycles
up into the back of the truck and they don't go fast enough and then they fall off the bike and the bike just slams down on the pavement it's just the fucking worst the only thing worse than that
is when they overshoot the ramp and then fuck up their bike and then blow out the back window or
their pickup and they fuck up their truck you then blow out the back window with their pickup truck and they fuck up their truck.
You fucked up your motorcycle and your truck
on the same goddamn...
on the same attempt.
I mean, what are you gonna do next?
You're just gonna fucking kick your step on your dog's tail.
I mean, that's just the trifecta right there.
That's the triple double of I just fucked my life.
All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Thamelish.
I apologize for the quality here.
I can't find my fucking microphone.
I don't know where I set it down.
I will find it though.
And that is it.
Enjoy the Playoff Hockey, which starts on Saturday,
I believe, and enjoy a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday morning podcast.
Have a great weekend together. So So So Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, April 18th, 2016.
What's going on, dude?
How are ya?
I don't even know what. 2016, what's going on dude, how are ya? Um...
I don't even know where to start on this fucking one.
How do you begin this one to still be sensitive?
Sensitive? There's so many sensitive stories out there when there's feelings there and in fold.
It takes a certain level of tact
when you try to approach this subject.
This fucking lady down at the zoo in Palm Beach, Florida, rest her soul, got attacked
and killed, got mauled by a fucking tiger, sometimes referred to as the tiger whisperer, yada yada yada yada yada yada yada and all
that fucking shit.
I don't know what it is about people who fall in love with wild animals.
There's nothing you can do to cure it.
It's fucking, it doesn't give a fuck about you.
It's not a dog, you know, falling in love with a wild animal.
It's like falling in love with a stripper.
Yeah, it's just not going to end well.
It's not going to end well.
Fucking unbelievable.
Now there's another story.
This fucking scout leader takes a bunch of boy scouts, takes a bunch of children
into the fucking woods, he goes into a cave and there's a fucking bear in there.
So the whole story is, oh, isn't it amazing that the boy scouts kept their fucking cool.
The guy knew, the scout leader knew, he pulled his shirt up over his face
and then curled up into the fetal position, which I guess is the International Bear Signal, like,
hey man, I don't want any part of this, man.
And then the bear lost interest and walked away.
But at no point during all of this does anybody say, hey,
what the fuck are you bringing a bunch of kids around
with his bears just walking around it's bad enough if you take your kids to the
fucking zoo the amount of times these goddamn things get loose or at the very
least some fatties gonna walk up to some polar bear cage go over the fucking
thing and stand there you know and then get fucking snatched by this thing and
what does she say?
What for you?
She fucking blow your brains out. You dope, right?
So I'm not saying the lady who died in Florida was a dope.
I'm just saying that, um, I don't know, you insert yourself into the situation
and there's no good way to insert yourself into a mauling to death by a tiger.
Cause you know what that means?
There was also, they always just say mauled you know like it
came up like like some prison shit and just stuck you with the shank it didn't
it fucking crushed your neck and then it started feeding on your innards that's
fucking brutal hang on a second.
Nia?
Yeah.
Okay.
What are you doing?
You coming in?
No.
All right.
Did you lock me in?
No.
Okay.
Sorry.
She just got, she's freaking me out there.
Like I got these new locks in the door.
I thought she was locking the door. It's still early here and I just woke her up. So, uh,
she's going to be a little grumpy.
Nia, if you want to come in on the podcast, let me know.
Oh, that's silent spoke volumes. You know, I'll tell you right now, getting married is
kind of like falling in love with a wild animal. You know, as much as you love them, don't get too close to the fucking enclosure.
Yeah, let me get back to that.
Why the fuck would you take a bunch of kids out?
Like no, at no point does anybody address that this guy took a bunch of fucking children
out to where there's bears and then they watched him get fucking mauled for half a second before
he took his eyes off
and yanked it over his head. That's what you're supposed to do.
How have I been on the earth this long and not known that that's what you do when you run into the bear?
Is it because I'm not in scouting or is it because most people are smart enough to not be around bears, to not
reenact the fucking scene from the Leonardo DiCaprio movie.
What was it called? The Reconte? I don't know what the fuck it is. The Revenant? The Irrelevant?
Whatever the fuck it was called. I hate when they take some big word that already exists and just makes you feel like,
it's like, did they make that word up? And it's like, no, that word has existed. The Revenant, right?
That word has existed your entire life.
Just you and everybody you know is too dumb to walk around and use it on a daily basis.
And yeah, it's a sad feeling.
It's a sad fucking feeling.
Um, I forget what I was looking at. Oh yeah.
What to do if a bear attacks you?
I can tell you right now, this is gonna be 99.9% white people looking this shit up.
It's where the dopes that go out there. I hate to do Def Jam material but it's fucking true.
Jesus fucking Christ. 2016 and you get mauled by a grizzly bear. There's no excuse for that.
And you know how you know Hallmark doesn't
make a card for it. There you go. You can go through all of that whole sympathy section,
sorry for your loss, sorry you got this disease, sorry I was a douche yesterday. There's no
wow fucking sorry you got mauled by a bear. They don't because it happened so little,
so few times. There's no reason for it.
They should really make one of those, you know, and make it even better.
It should like rhyme.
I hate to look.
I hate to stare, but your face got mauled by a bear.
I'm really fucking sorry.
Uh, and I was talking about a trolley.
Go fuck yourself.
I'll help you feel better.
And I was talking about a trolley go fuck yourself. I hope you feel better
Tension all zookeepers out there
Those are not your friends and they don't want to be there and I think a lot of them realize the situation
They're not just sitting there fucking waiting for you to give them another fucking pile of cube steaks
They're sitting there. Even if they were born in captivity, I guarantee you that they are sitting there with this strange feeling that there has to be more than this. Look at me, dude. Look at me. If you're a fucking tiger,
even if you're a tiger born into captivity, right? You're rolling around with somebody dressed in a
safari outfit, okay? And you bond with that person like it's your fucking mother, right? At some fucking point.
At some point, you know, just your ego alone with all those people showing up just to look at you, taking your picture.
There's no way to keep your four feet on the ground, you know?
And not be like, dude, why am I in a cage right now when everybody's coming up, you know, all I do is lay around
every day and these people can't get enough looking at me.
I mean, I mean, I'm the fucking shit, you know, and you just start your ego just goes
fucking crazy.
Then you start looking like, you know, I don't know, you'd start testing.
They come in a little bit, you give them a little growl, you see it in their face.
They got some broom handle. Ah, get back, get back, right?
You just sort of, you know, first time with your paw, test the strength of that fucking
little broom handle, like dude, I could snap that thing.
This guy's fucking shoulders, this guy's a pussy.
Over there doing tiger push-ups, you know?
And then one day, you're just like, you know what?
As much as I'm enjoying this fucking raw meat, I have it every day and I need to switch up push up, you know? And then one day, you're just like, you know what?
As much as I'm enjoying this fucking raw meat,
I have it every day, and I need to switch up the diet.
You know?
How about I maul you and use your belt
as some dental floss?
I know.
I know what you're thinking right now.
You're probably thinking,
Bill, this is really fucking insensitive.
Well, you know what?
This is how I deal with sad shit. I joke around about it because I don't feel like thinking about everybody that loved that woman that now can never see her again.
So, I mean, what am I supposed to do?
And then also I like to feel that I'm being responsible by giving you some tips on how not to, uh, yeah, you know, uh, you know, get, get mauled to death by a bear.
I just don't understand that.
Like, what's so fucking funny
about these goddamn scouts? It's like, why don't you just go in the woods? You don't
have to go into the goddamn wilderness. You know, who the fuck brings a bunch of kids
out there? I'll tell you, it brings a bunch of kids out there. The kind of guy that goes
out and just walks into a fucking cave, gets mauled by a fucking bear. Who the fuck walks
into a cave in the middle of the forest?
What kind of, I mean, I'm not in scouting.
I never was, I can't start a fire without a match.
But I can tell you right now, my general instincts says
that, you know, there's no apartment buildings out in the
fucking forest, okay?
So a cave is like, that's like a townhouse in Brooklyn. You know?
Half these people, if they're fucking digging holes in the goddamn ground,
curling up to hibernate and that, here's a fucking cave. All right? So you think
everybody who lives out there, that's like fucking, that's like Beverly Hills
level property. So who's gonna get it? The strongest, sickest, craziest
motherfucker out there. And
that's a bear. You know, you're not going to walk in there and there's going to be a little fox in
there like it isn't it's going to be some fucking it's going to be the king of the forest, which
is a bear as far as I know. Although I did see a mountain lion give it a couple of fucking, you
know, per now, Whittaker's, you know you know the more fast that guy was they would just fucking rain on top of his
head and the bear just sat there and take it you know he had like the head
movement of late of late Mike Tyson rather than early and he just took a few
and then he just sort of started running away it was a sad day you know anyways
just imagine if you ran into a badger or a fucking wolverine.
Those lunatics.
Badgers and wolverines, they're like the Irish and the Scottish of the fucking forest.
You know what I mean?
Those things don't even quit even if they're losing.
They just got that, I don't give a fuck. You know?
Blood all over their face.
They're not stopping.
They're going to keep coming, just like the Irish and the Scottish.
Fucking lunatics.
You don't want any part of that.
Well, you know, I don't know.
You know what?
I never even looked at this.
Bear encounters in backcountry.
If you encounter a bear on the trail or in your campsite, yeah, because you're cooking food, basically the dinner bell of anything within fucking... Oh my God,
look at the size of this fucking bear. Oh, there's a lady fucking walking and there's
a bear in the background. Guess what color she is. All right, be safe in bear habitat.
Oh God, this is the first sentence. The level, I mean, as dumb as I
am, the level of dopes that have to be coming to this website. Listen, this is the first
sentence. It's normal. It's normal to, I said normal, it's normal to be frightened
when you encounter a bear. That's how this, this is, this is the jump off point. The reality is that most encounters with bears rarely lead to aggressive behavior and attacks
are even rarer.
Here they go, sucking you into the forest.
Ah, you know, I mean it happens but generally, here's a great lie.
They're actually more afraid of you than you are of them.
Yeah, and what do they do when they get when they're afraid?
They either take off running or they fucking maul you to death and go,
hey, you know, here's a bonus. The threat is gone. And now I have a midday snack.
Remember, most bears prefer to avoid contact with humans.
That's hilarious. They're like the champion that doesn't want to fight,
you know, just trying to hold onto the belt,
backpedaling the entire time until you
corner the fucking thing. And any bear
you do see is probably just as frightened
as you are. There it is, every fucking...
You know what it is?
Bears don't have access to
a mirror.
They're living in their heads, you know,
they're out there by themselves, you know, talking to themselves like, oh man,
you know, love to find a cave or some shit, man, right? And all of a sudden,
they finally find it, nobody else is in here, you can fucking chill out, put an
L-shaped couch over here, get a flat screen, and all of a sudden this fucking
guy comes walking in in his goddamn shorts.
You know what he's thinking. He's thinking to catch a predator.
He's probably seen that show too.
Here comes this fucking pedophile, the bear thinks he's gonna get fucked in the ass,
and next thing you know he's on top of this guy, right?
And the fucking dude starts yanking his shirt over his head, and then the bear's like,
what the fuck? This guy's a bottom, you know?
I thought this guy was trying to rape me me and all of a sudden he's acting like
we're making love here and he's being all submissive.
This is fucking weirding me out.
What if he tells his friends the bears all homophobic and then he kills him?
And well, you know what?
There's a bunch of little kids watching it.
All right.
And that's what camping is.
And I think, you know what?
I have to haven't worked that out right there.
I think scouting should be illegal.
You know what I mean?
What are you doing, first of all?
You know, dressing those little boys up
like little French maids, you know,
with their little scarves running around.
I mean, it's just, you wonder why you got
all those sexual predators.
Sex predators?
Sexual predators, I don't know, sexual chocolate?
Anyways, remain as composed as possible
and follow these simple guidelines whenever you're in bear country.
Soon you two will have more composure when sighting a bear because you know what to do.
Scream bloody murder and run in the other direction.
Actually, that's the exact opposite of what you want to do.
You want to remain calm and take a step towards the bear that shows a level of confidence?
Fucking dopes.
All right.
First one, avoid, avoid, avoid.
Yeah, like by staying in civilization.
The best way to prevent an unpleasant bear encounter is to avoid them altogether.
Bears usually avoid people and most people don't even know when they've come close
to a bear. Exactly. To ensure a surprise or unpleasant encounter with a bear doesn't occur,
avoid moving through bear habitat silently and alone. Travel in groups, the larger the better,
and make lots of noise by talking or singing and put the iPod away and pay attention to your surroundings.
Ah, Jesus Christ, I don't know about that.
What if the bear's having a slow fucking couple of days and is hungry and you start, you know, I'm singing in the rain.
Scooby doo, we do, we do.
Zip bitty doo da zip bitty yay. You know, and the bear
starts taking you like, you know what? I think it's worth the risk. Even though I'm scared.
I think I could take that 140 pound dope. All right. When it happens. See how they wrote that?
Said it, when you're getting mauled by the bear and you feel its breath and its fucking
incisors ripping at your neck.
When it happens.
That's another way of saying that.
Remain calm and ready your bear spray or other deterrent.
What is it?
Your underarm hair?
Stay together.
If you're in a group, you will appear larger and more intimidating if you stick together.
Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear.
Hey, that thing running at us 40 miles an hour.
If you it's over, right?
Fucking over.
Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear.
As you will see below, grizzly bears and black bears tend to behave differently in a given situation.
So it helps to know which species you're dealing with as it's running after you.
Give me a fucking break. I just click here to see the difference. Bears at a distance. Dude,
it's a fucking bear. Look at these fucking things. Dude, the fact that one of these things could pick
up Lawrence Taylor at the height of his fucking career and throw him through the uprights.
Lawrence Taylor at the height of his fucking career and throw him through the uprights.
Get bear smart society. These fucking people, I don't get it. I mean, there has to be, why can't you just go out in your backyard and just set up a tent? I mean, you are still outside.
As long as you don't go inside, you are camping. It's not the same thing, man. I got to get out there where there's bears.
I know what to do, right?
If it's a black bear, black bear, they usually lead with the left.
You know what I mean?
They're traditional, but a grizzly is a south paw, so it's going to be a little bit weird.
They definitely have a reach advantage considering when they stand up, they're about eight feet
tall.
So what you want to do is you want to stay outside his wheelhouse.
Okay.
And you want, you want to circle away from his power punch.
You want to circle to your left, staying away.
He's the Grizzlies want to load up that left.
They go for the big shot.
They try to steal around.
Sorry.
Am I, am I beating this to death here?
I'm just, there's no fucking reason.
There's no reason to get killed by a tiger in the United States of America.
They don't live here.
They're only one place.
They're at the fucking zoo and, uh, you know, they're in cages.
So at some point you went into the fucking thing.
You just, you, I don't know.
Oh my God.
What is the fucking thought when you get yanked in the second you get, oh no.
It's got to be it.
Oh no.
Make it quick.
I mean, the shit that would go through your head.
I'm sorry, this is getting fucking morbid.
So anyways, my condolences to the friends and families of the lady down
there in Florida and my condolences to the the guy with the members only jacket
that he yanked up over his fucking head you know good on you sir I hope I wish
you more luck as you bring children into the fucking woods fucking idiot what is
it about putting on a fucking uniform that all of a sudden you think you know something?
I just don't get it.
I have all my badges on my shirt.
I've been trained.
Thanks for the memories.
For he's a jolly good fowl.
That's what they should be singing.
They should be singing that, you know, we're never going to see you again music, right,
before you go in the woods, just to fucking remind you of what you're walking into.
Anyways, so hey, the official, finally, the official, I'm allowed to finally say it, F
is for family has been picked up for a second season.
Um, I actually got the news back in January, but for whatever reason, the way Netflix promotes stuff, which I would never question considering they're
dominating the universe, they wanted to wait until last Friday.
So it is now official.
Uh, we are working right now.
That's the stuff I've been alluding to that I've been working on.
And, um, uh, what was I going to say? Actually this weekend I was writing an episode, so I missed all
the fucking hockey. I saw the series that I'm watching, St. Louis versus the Blackhawks.
And when I saw game two, I threw in the fucking towel. I was like, that's it.
You gave a game to the Blackhawks.
You cannot give a game to the Hawks.
You know, you had your foot on their fucking neck.
You had the goal.
The goal was fucking called back or whatever.
I can't remember what happened.
The goal got called back, right?
Oh, Teresenko's goal got called back.
And then it's just like that coach should have gone down the bench.
No let down, no let down, no let down, no let down, right?
What do they do?
They go out there, they're pissed, Teresenko takes a stupid fucking penalty.
The Blackhawks score the goal and they steal the fucking game.
And I was just like, and I was texting my buddy, I was like that right there is why
the Blackhawks win every fucking year and St. Louis loses every fucking year.
Whatever the Blackhawks have, that ability to remain calm when they're down, St. Louis loses every fucking year. Whatever the Blackhawks have, that ability to remain calm when they're down,
St. Louis, for my whole fucking life, has never had that.
Right?
Right after I said all of that shit, what are they doing game three?
I didn't see the game, I just looked at the highlights.
You know?
They fucking took three quick penalties in the first period.
Chicago scored on the first one.
If I was watching that game, I'd be like, here we go.
Here we go.
Chicago's going to win like the next four, the next four to five.
And they're going to give them, they're going to give St. Louis the old right there, Fred.
St. Louis came back, tied it up one-one.
Chicago scores a goal in the second period, two to one.
They're going into the third period in Chicago.
This is always said, you know, it's over for the blues.
It's always been that way since I don't know how long it's been going on forever.
Not like the Blackhawks were good my whole life.
I mean, shit, they went through a nice drought too, but like the new Blackhawks, like this
series is over and fucking St. Louis came back, tied it up 2-2 and then went ahead 3-2
with like six minutes
left and so a big congratulations to the St. Louis Blues.
That huge fucking victory and I can't wait to see the next game because I know the Blackhawks
are not going to, they're not just going to go out like that, right?
You know they're going to tie it up.
They're going to go into St. Louis.
This might go, I don't know, it might go 7.
I'm hoping for 7. You know, I don't give a shit, but I'm pulling for St. Louis. I think
they're my team over Dallas just because, you know, Dallas was the North stars, right?
They've only been Dallas stars for like what, like 20 years? You know, I mean, those people
down there, they're a bunch of cowboys. Who's kidding who? You know, they're getting plastic
surgery. You know, they got their oil well, their wife's wearing too much makeup.
I mean, they're from Dallas.
It's the big D.
It's a football town.
It's a football state.
I love the fucking stars.
I love the people on the stars, but like, I also like their fucking colors.
They got Celtic colors.
I liked that.
I still like the stars, but you know, I think, I don't think it's time for the blues.
They've been around since 67. They never won won shit so that's the team I'm pulling
for G pill because we didn't make the playoffs but who would have thought the
Blackhawks are down two games to one to the Blues and the Kings are down over to
to the San Jose Sharks.
Um, and actually a buddy of mine who writes on F is for family before this all started, he goes, I don't give a fuck.
He goes to Stanley cup goes through Chicago or LA.
And that's what everybody was saying.
Now, granted, we're only a couple of games in here and granted the
Kings are playing the sharks.
And, and, you know, the sharks are like the San Diego Chargers if they wore
skates every year coming out, having this wonderful fucking regular season.
And then they go in the playoffs and they just shit the bed.
So we'll see.
They're up two games to none.
I think game four, if you haven't been watching, is Tuesday night, the Blackhawks versus the
Blues. So I would definitely be checking that out and
I
Think that's it. I think that's all I had on hockey right my Celtics
I watched some lose game one, but I'm just so psyched. They're in the fucking playoffs and they're a young team
They should have won the game. They should have been able to close it out, but they didn't but they hung in there
They got hat. They're just a little young
They just got to learn how to fucking, uh, they'll learn.
Hopefully, you know what I'm, you know, I'm hoping, I'm hoping that we get Kevin
Durant, he would be a great fucking Celtic.
Uh, whether he does that or not.
I mean, there's always someplace, uh, you know, what's this, this is the most
crucial time in, I, since I can remember for the Los Angeles Lakers, where
Kobe just fucking retired.
Their owner fucking died, so now they got the son.
Fuckhead that he is.
Sorry, that had nothing to do with the Lakers.
I was just quoting, what movie was that?
And then your son, fuckhead that he is, left his driver's license.
True romance.
Yeah, they have to make something happen.
They got to throw their fucking money around.
I don't know, they don't have the coach.
This could be for the first time.
You realize that the Lakers have won more fucking championships since 1970 than any
other team in any other major sport. Um, so I got to respect what they've done more so than what anybody else has done prior to that.
Because prior to that was the 23 Skidoo years where the shit was in fucking basically black
and white, you know, segregated leagues.
The Stanley cup was the size of a shot glass.
You know, the Celtics used to win.
There would be like fucking five white guys against five white guys, or maybe five against
four white guys.
And then Bill Russell was out there.
You know what I mean?
It's just, it's just a completely different time.
You know, um, I don't know.
We'll see.
So anyways, let me do a little bit of advertising here.
Sorry, my brain's all over the place and I still can't get over how fucking people get mauled.
2016, 20 fucking 16.
I mean, to get mauled to death by a fucking tiger in 2016,
it's like, I don't know, it's like,
I think the probability of getting run over by a stage coach is just as probable.
Like how many people, you know what, I gotta look that up.
Death by stage coach.
You know there's gonna be somebody, some Wild West show in Oklahoma.
Fell off the chuck wagon.
Okay, you know what's gonna be a guy too.
Man killed under stage coach. let's see if we get
see we get did you mean man killed under stagecoach one word I guess I did
unsettling events stagecoach Road.
72 year old man was killed Sunday morning after a crash in West Lakeland Township.
Another authority said a vehicle traveling northbound on Stagecoach Road.
I guess it doesn't happen.
Whatever.
Somebody get kicked by a horse.
Something stupid, something that shouldn't be happening during this time.
Bill, why can't you just admit that you were wrong?
All right.
I was wrong.
It's more probable to get mauled to death by a tiger.
All right.
Let's do some, let's read some of the advertising here.
All righty.
That'll take care of that.
Fucking mauled to death by a tiger.
Attacked by a bear in the wilderness as you're walking around with fucking 20 children that
aren't yours.
That sounds like an episode of Law and Order.
Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. What the fuck were you doing out with all of those kids? I mean that sounds like an episode of Law and Order. Boo boo boo boo boo.
What the fuck were you doing out with all of those kids?
I found them.
All right.
My gym got delayed by some bullshit.
Not some bullshit, just some shit.
And I'm just like, no, do it right.
They're like, we can do it this way, or we can do it the right way.
I'm like, do it the right way.
So I have not been working out and I've been eating like
shit because I'm just like well the second the Jim's there I'm gonna fucking
go like a madman but uh Jim's taking longer than I thought and you know Oh
Billy's starting to look like some overcooked mashed potatoes and I'm not
liking it I'm not liking it one bit all right let's let's do some reads here
let's do some reads oh you know what do some reads. Oh, you know what? I didn't
talk about any of the other playoff series, did I? I think you have the other NHL ones. The filthy
Flyers are down 2-0 to the Washington Capitals, and they are the perennial favorites in the Eastern
Conference. Let's see real quick. Tampa Bay Lightning leads Detroit 2-1. Detroit won the last one.
Their fucking red backs up against the ropes.
Big victory there.
Islanders over Florida, two games to one.
Nashville's up two games to none over fucking Anaheim.
Oh, this sucks, man.
Fucking the Kings and the Ducks are going to get knocked out.
No playoff hockey for all fucking Freckles out here.
Dallas is up two games to none. I'm completely in the dark
with all of this bullshit because I'm going to be in a writer's room. I'm in the writer's
room for the next 18 weeks total to write the second season. And believe it or not,
I'm actually finding that I love being in the writer's room. I thought it was something
that I was not going to enjoy because of the freedom that I have as a comedian.
But it turns out I really like writing scripts and I like writing dialogue and all of that
shit and we're having a great time and I think you guys hopefully are going to enjoy it.
So now your next question should be, Bill, how many episodes did they give you?
Ten.
Ten episodes for season two and when is it going to be at, when is it going to come out?
Probably this time next year it's animation that's how long it takes I think they're
saying may of next year is when it comes out unfortunately but that's how it
works but it's gonna be worth the wait but I hope it now that we're kind of
going that once we do this one we can immediately go into season three I don't
know how it fucking works I guess that wouldn't make sense. They got to see how many people watch season two.
I don't know.
I think by the time we finish season five, it'll be 60.
That's what I'm guessing.
All right.
Let's do some questions here for the week.
Come to Prague.
Come to Prague.
I'd like to go to Prague.
Hey, Billy Wingnut, just so you know,
we started using your songs at circle time
Circle time is every morning at 915 after yoga is this it is songs and words and learning English all the kids
singing our Czech kids
Please come to Prague
The fuck is circle time
Sounds oddly filthy. Circle Time...
Prague.
Prague Linguistic Circle
Homepage.
What the fuck?
I don't even know what that means.
I can't tell you this, so I've stuck with the
French of 51 fucking days.
And now it's starting to just be in my head.
I still can't speak it well.
If somebody's speaking it, I pick out a few words, but like reading it,
I'm crushing it reading.
I read, I transcribed this whole fucking article about the Pope saying that, you
know, as much as the Catholic church has been against condoms,
there are certain instances, you know, that they don't think it's bad to use them, you
know, especially preventing the spread of HIV, AIDS, whatever, you know.
And they said something about, you know, unprotected sex with male prostitutes.
I think that that's what it said.
I couldn't tell if it was that or men going to prostitutes. I couldn't quite get the translation. So I'm sticking with it.
And because on Duolingo too, if you do a hundred days in a row, they give you a couple of trinkets,
whatever the fuck that means. So I'm over the hump. I'm running downhill now. And
I don't know. I just think I'm, I'm really doing it.
Not only did I want to learn how to do it, but I just think it's funny.
If someone is dumb as me becomes completely fluent in French and then that
gives me the opportunity to go to France or go to Montreal and act like the dumb
American and then listen to what they're saying about me and then just fucking
hit him over the head with some fucking.
I can't say perfect French, but like fluent French. Just watch their fucking, their little
fucking pocket squares get all fucking in a bunch. That's why I'm doing it. I'm doing
it. I was going to take, I don't know how long it's going to take me. I just, I want
to have that moment just once in my life where I can just sit there and have somebody trash
me in a different language and they don't know that I can hear everything everything I understand everything that they're saying just so I can look at them
And then fucking come back and I'm like you do be do be basically saying like I know exactly what you fucking you said
Alright, I'm sorry
Most people want to learn so they can communicate not me not me
I want to do it so I can have an argument on the other side of the world
What does that say about me? All right cooking question?
Dear Billy the butter basting bitch on the other side of the world. What does that say about me? All right, cooking question.
Dear Billy the butter basting bitch.
Ah, that was a, you know, see, there you go.
There you go. Something original. I like that. Made fun of my cooking. You kept the alliteration going. You called me a bitch in the end of it.
I give that one four stars four stars all right
Anyways, I am a huge fan and I blah blah blah blah blah yada yada yada my question is thank you for blowing through all that
My question is you used to talk about cooking all of the time, but now you rarely do what gives did you stop cooking?
If not, what have you made lately? Please make more cooking videos like the pie crust one you made.
I need something new to jerk off to.
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
Yeah, I haven't been cooking.
When we write these episodes for Afters for Family, I'm so fucking relieved I can finally
talk about this shit.
It consumes my life.
I mean, basically, I go in at 10.30 every morning.
There's usually some other bullshit I have to do.
So I'm usually in there by 10 in the morning,
and then we fucking write all day till about 7.
And by the end of it, I just come home.
I pour a scotch. I stare at the wall.
I fall asleep. My dog wakes me up at 7.
I take her for a walk, I come
home, I have breakfast, I try to bang out a podcast and maybe do a little bit of French,
and then I go right back to work.
So I don't have time to fucking do anything.
You know, I should do, I should start using blue apron.
You know, I saw Mark Maron, he actually cooked a meal on it. It looked fucking delicious.
But I should really start doing something like that because I have been eating like a sort of
in a good way and sort of bad way. I had the best motherfucking burger I've ever had in Los Angeles and that is saying something. And if you'd like to know where to go, the next time you see me
when you're in Los Angeles, if you ask me, I will tell you where the place is but I'm not saying it on a podcast
Because I hate when Anthony Bourdain does that and there's this cool fucking spot and then he makes it
He makes it fucking you know
Every Tom Dick and Harry's got to go out there and then it comes on a new management the whole thing gets fucked up
So or even if I'm out on the road
Management the whole thing gets fucked up. So or even if I'm out on the road
If I'm out on the road, just yell it out there on my shelf. Hey
You know you bought a ticket I'll tell you then
You listen to this podcast for free. You don't get the information. Oh, is it delicious? The fries were okay. The soda was you know, they had the Mexican fucking coke and the Fanta orange with the real sugar
Incredible incredible tasting.
That's where this country is right now.
Coca-Cola is made better in Mexico than it is in the United States.
What does that say about us?
You know, and is Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton or fucking Bernie Sanders even
approach that at any point during this campaign?
They might have.
Lord knows I'm not watching.
All right, so no, where I last left,
I was trying to learn how to make gnocchi,
and I failed miserably.
And my own wife, the woman who's supposed to love me
unconditionally, sickness and health
and good times and in bad, and when I made gnocchi,
it was a bad time.
And what did she do?
Did she stick by me?
Did she say it's okay and rub my head?
Nope.
You know what she said?
She leaned over and she goes, hey.
I was like what?
She got right in my ear and she goes, you shouldn't make pasta anymore.
She said you shouldn't make pasta anymore.
Maybe she knows me well enough to know that when somebody says something like that
to me, that just makes me go, all right, I'm going to fucking master this shit.
You know?
I mean, it's not like, you know, somebody says you shouldn't sing anymore or you shouldn't
dance anymore.
I mean, I understand that.
I mean, I fucking, there's just certain things, but I mean, cooking is just one of those things.
You just do it.
You can learn how to do it.
Like all these fucking people on the Food Network,
they don't have any talent.
It's just, they just, you know, they didn't have any friends
and they just fucking, you know,
they started off making cereal
and then they just kept progressing.
I'm kidding, I know it's an art form, all right.
Fucking relax, okay?
Put your apron back on and go fucking make a souffle.
All right, so yeah, so I'm kind of stuck on that,
but the next time I go to New York, I met somebody. I met somebody. It's very special. I met
somebody in New York, a chef at this Italian restaurant. He told me he's like the real
deal, like right off the boat. So at any time you come to New York, he goes, I'll show you
how to make pasta from scratch, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because I took a pasta making class and they were supposed to then email a bunch of shit
to help you out and they never had any follow through.
And then I waited too long to try it again.
And I finally, I kind of forgot some of the tricks.
So that's where I'm at with the cooking thing.
And as far as making like the cooking videos, I did the pie crust thing because that was
another thing I just thought was funny someone like me
knows how to do something like that but like I can't cook better than most of
the people out there so I don't understand the point of it maybe if I
learn how to make gnocchi I'll teach you guys how to do it but I'll have to do it
for a long time before I'll feel like confident enough to make a video maybe
if I fuck it up it'll be funny I have no idea all right let's let's keep
reading here shall we okay all right garden, Billy Topsoil. One of my
favorite things you used to talk about was your garden and your steps towards getting
off the grid. My question is, do you still have a garden and are you still taking steps
to get off yourself off the grid? I mean, I have a lemon and a lime tree, so I'll never get scurvy.
No, the level of commitment that that takes and you have to have a fucking hen house and
shit, I don't have time to become Mr. Green Jeans.
And then what do I have to have?
I have to have a hen house guy.
I have to have the chicken guy. You know what I don't have time to become Mr. Green Jeans. And then what do I have to have a hen house guy?
I have to have the chicken guy.
You know what I mean?
It's like as you accumulate shit, then you have to get the something guy, right?
You know, you buy a fucking house, you immediately, you need to have a plumber, you got to have
a fucking electrician.
You know, you got to have basically a handyman.
Okay, then what?
Then you have a garden, then you got to have a fucking landscape or gardening
guy because you're too busy doing whatever you do for a fucking living you
get a pool you need the pool guy you know you get a dog you got the fucking
dog guy the vet guy all of that shit it's just more money flying out of your
fucking wallet and I am very envious of people that have their own
gardens and that type of shit but I have my little piece of fucking LA out here which
is not much.
We all live on top of each other.
I'm literally looking out my window right now and I see the roof of the person's house
next to me.
That's just basically how it works. I look out the back, I look
out my back window and I see the apartment buildings, the back of the apartment buildings
from the street over. It's really not a place to plant some turnips, although I wish there
was. I don't think I could really get away with having chickens and shit, some rooster
crowing every morning because the noise ordinance is noise is not supposed to leave your property.
Although most people, the second they turn on their stereo, they break that fucking thing.
But I would love to do it.
I'd love to get solar panels and be off the grid.
But you really can't be.
You still have to give them a little bit of money.
I forget.
I don't know how it works, but they have some so I know how it works.
The president makes 400 grand a year.
So they go, yeah, listen, fucko, you want the second term?
Make this a law.
We said, make it a law.
Right?
Next thing you know, it's a law.
Cause there's people who live in the middle of nowhere.
The electric company finds them and then they like, they sue them and like, you
have to give us money every month.
Which is, uh, I just don't understand how that is legal.
That goes around so many things that this country is allegedly about.
That someone would force you.
I understand taxes.
It's like, yeah, dude, you want to live here? You got to kick in for the potholes.
I get that, but you have to buy power from this fucking...
No, I don't. Fuck off.
But that's not how it works.
It's not how it works. If you guys know how to do it, if you know how to get off the grid...
Not because I want to be off the grid, not because I give a fuck that I give money to the power companies.
I just, you know, when the shit hits the fan, I would like to be that beacon of light that all the zombies run to, right?
He's still got a flat screen.
All right. Girlfriends wait.
Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Dear Bill, I'm a 21 year old guy and my girlfriend is 20.
We've been talking for about six months now
and we just recently decided to make it official.
Now here's the part where I need your expert advice.
Oh Jesus.
How should I go about telling her
I think she needs to lose weight?
She's not a fat ass by no means, but she
could lose a few pounds.
Now I sound like an asshole. I know I sound like an asshole. I think is what he's supposed
to say. Yeah, I know I sound like an asshole, but I care about her and want to see her be
more confident. Thanks for the help. I enjoyed the show in Long Beach. How do you say she
could lose it? there is no way.
What I would do is I would get yourself in great shape and start getting her into hiking
with you and like, you know, but you can't make somebody work out.
You can't make somebody get in shape.
They either want to do it or they don't.
And you know, that's like a major, major, major fucking, you know, you tell telling
a woman she needs to lose a few pounds is like that's the female equivalent of them
saying to you like, you know, your dick could be a little bigger.
It's devastating.
I wouldn't say it to her, but, you got to think, at 20, if they're already getting
out of shape at 20 years of age, then what?
Then they have a couple of kids, they're going to be a fucking house.
That's just something you got to be honest about.
If someone doesn't take care of themselves, you know, and this works both ways too.
Ladies, like if you're with some guy and he's in his 20s and he's sitting there and he's already getting mantis,
it's not going to get better.
And you got to sit there and really just be like, how much do I love this person?
Because I'm going to watch them slowly eat themselves to death.
Because that's what you're doing.
And unfortunately, your chickens start coming home to
roost in your forties, whatever the fuck you did, whenever you
started to go off the rails at 16 or 17 with drinking, drugging,
eating or whatever, right around when you get to your forties is
when the first like, like, God damn that happened to him.
I thought that was some old man shit.
And you're like, Oh wait, we're in our forties because you'll still feel like
you're in your twenties.
So, um, I don't know.
I would go a positive route.
I would just tell her how I would tell her, uh, yeah, we tell her how good she
looked. I mean, it's just fucking, I don't, I don't, there's no way to do it.
That, that is, there's no...
That's a fortress, and there's no door in.
You know what I mean? There's no door in on that one.
You just have to just, if you're gonna say it, if you just fucking say it,
then you're really risking, like, hurting her really bad.
You know what I mean?
Um...
And who wants to do it? You don't want to fucking do that.
You know? I wonder if women ever feel that way about guys.
Like if there's anything like that.
It's like, you know what? You just can't say that to a guy
because that will hurt them too much.
Do they ever think shit like that?
I think shit like that with women.
There's just certain things you just don't fucking say.
Like, what is it?
All I'm going to do is hurt her
and ruin her for the next person when she fucking
Eventually comes to her senses and dumps me
And then you'll be that you know what this guy said to me one time
We were going into Wendy's
And I ordered a double cheeseburger and he interrupted he said no no no
She wants the single And I ordered a double cheeseburger and he interrupted. He said, no, no, no.
She wants the single.
You know, being that guy.
No, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you.
I can't tell you this, though, I feel like when you are.
You know, aside from just owing it to yourself to try to stay in shape, when you're in a relationship with someone, to just fucking let yourself go
and just become a fat fuck and, you know,
to just not have the consideration
that somebody is sort of obligated to have sex with you,
to just try and remotely keep yourself
looking halfway decent, it's really a selfish fucking thing.
You know, but we live in the age of,
a lot of times the victim is, is, is not, is,
is considered like the antagonizer.
You know what I mean?
I would never do that to Nia.
I would never just fucking put on a hundred fucking pounds,
just come waddling into the fucking bedroom,
you know, rollover on top of her.
And she would be completely grossed out
and every woman listening to this probably just went,
ah, picture that, me, 100 pounds heavier,
naked, sweating on my upper lip,
crawling into fucking bed, yeah, exactly.
Isn't that disgusting?
Well, that's a two-way street, sweetheart.
You know, we don't wanna see you come fucking waddling into the room,
you know, your hips taking out the fucking door jam.
You know what I mean? It's just it's not a...
It's not fair to either person.
You know, when you really look at it, nobody understands that more than gay guys.
I would say that gay guys have the most respect
for the fact that someone's going to hook up with them. You know what I mean? I wonder if they're
pound for pound in the best fucking shape than anybody else. Or is it because they're
trying to attract guys and they know guys are, I can't even say that shallow because
they always say that guys are shallow. When it comes to that, we are, but like you fucking hold up something shiny.
A woman's like, I want that.
You know, they're just as bad.
Right.
Oh Christ, I'm all over the map.
All right.
On trial for a joke.
All right, Bill, did you hear about the entertainer who might get prosecuted for
his poem that trashed a head of state?
Oh, what country?
Uh, they're calling him a comic, but I think maybe Europe's version of a comic,
not the traditional standup.
Well, it depends on where you go in Europe.
Europe is a, uh, you know, it's not the biggest continent, but that's a, it's a
long fucking trip from Paris over to Moscow.
I think Moscow is technically still in Europe, isn't it?
I know the West coast of Russia is. Uh, he's stuck is technically still in Europe, isn't it? I know the west
coast of Russia is. You start getting into the Eastern Europe, dude. I mean, they still
have vampires out there. So you can only imagine how that would affect the art of stand-up
comedy. I don't know what I'm talking about. All right. Angela Merkel gave the go-ahead
to the Turkish prime minister to make an inquiry, which basically means put
on trial all because of a stupid poem.
Thoughts?
I hate when people do that.
Thoughts?
Hmm.
Talk about that.
Yeah.
There's a bunch of countries that are just getting their first taste of standup comedy
and they are going through their Lenny Bruce years.
Um, which is what happens. That happened to Lenny Bruce.
He was put on trial.
He was arrested for obscenity and all of that type of stuff.
This is what happens.
And once the government realizes that it's just jokes and that a
stand-up comic doing an hour of jokes is not going to cause a revolution.
And that they can relax and continue to fuck over their own countrymen.
And sleep well at night doing it.
Then they usually ease up on it.
And, uh, people are allowed to, um, you know, do standup comedy.
Like what's funny now is what's happening is there's this new, you know, sort of, I
don't know what you would call it, Lenny Bruce time, but it's just more through people in
the crowd though, but it's not the government anymore, so it's really no big deal.
It's just, you know, people with agendas and websites and shit like that, you know, clickbait,
clickbait people, right?
All right.
Boyfriend wants to have sex with other
girls I wonder if there's a way to basically support that person Angela
Merkel can I help pay for the lawyer kick in you know all the comics around
the world take fucking throw 20 bucks at it and they can tie it up in the
Turkish courts can that happen I don't fucking know oh you know I'm gonna look
that up I'm glad you brought that to my attention.
I know that there was some somebody in Canada, the same thing happened.
And it's one of those things where it's like, you want to talk about it, but you
also don't want to feed that fucking beast and give it all types of notoriety.
But then you're also going, well, that's a fellow comic going through that shit.
There's got to be a way in a a stealth way, to hopefully put that fire up.
You know, when I was in India, the podcast I did, the guys over there, they were going through some
shit because they did a roast and everything was fine. Everybody laughed and then they put it up on
YouTube and you know, there's like 40 million different religions there and somebody complained
and you know, they were in a definitely a, what's the word I should
use?
They were in a situation over there when I, you know, which is hilarious.
Then I'm fucking walking down the street with them.
Like am I going to get fucking arrested because I'm with you guys?
You know what's fucked up?
I only spent 24 hours in India and I already miss it.
I really want to go back. I had such a good time in the 24 hours despite the fact I had to get a piece of paper to leave which was really fucking creepy.
But that was weird man. I didn't know what I thought I was going to think when I went there but I felt an odd connection when I went there.
Which is one of the coolest things when you travel. Like
when you go, every place you go to is gonna be great. When you actually go to
a place like, why is this fucking place feeling like, like feeling like a home?
Like I relate to these people. More so than a lot of countries I've been to. I
was over there going like, oh that guy reminds me of Rich Foss. Maybe because I hung
up with a bunch of comics. I had no idea. Anyways, boyfriend wants to have sex with other girls.
Hi Bill.
Hi Bill.
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years.
Recently we had broken up for a little less than a month but we started talking again.
We broke up because although he loves me and wants to be with me, he still wants to have sex with other girls.
Our sex life isn't a problem because we fuck on a daily basis.
Most of the time, twice a day, and he always says I'm the best he will ever slash will
have.
He also believes that there is a very slim possibility that there might be something better for him,
and that he wants to experience other people before possibly spending the rest of his life with me.
He's 25 years old, so he is pretty scared about staying with one person for the rest of his life.
We are both not ready for marriage or that type of relationship,
but I feel that ending a two-and-a-half-year relationship over his urges isn't the right thing,
especially since he still loves me and wants to be with me. He's pretty unhappy, but he knows that
being with other people won't help because he will feel the exact same way as he does now.
He tells me that I am amazing and beautiful and he wants to have a perfect relationship,
so I don't understand why he wants to leave that for something that is most likely going to be shittier. I can't go through
another breakup with him because it was horrible. While we were broken up he did
have sex with one girl and talked to multiple girls but he didn't feel any
better and he was still unhappy without me. Please help. I don't know what to do
and maybe this can help him as well. Thanks a bunch. Well first of all I'm not
a fucking relationship expert but first of all, I'm not a fucking relationship expert,
but first of all, I got to give him kudos
for just being honest, saying that this is what I want to do.
Well, I'll talk to you, because he didn't write in.
So I would just say that, unfortunately,
this is where he is at 25 and, um, you're not.
So if he wants to fucking go out and do whatever the fuck he wants to do, you
know, let him, and then I think you should get on with your life, but I
don't think it's healthy for you to have him keep calling you during this time
when he's out there fucking other people but still fucking with your emotions.
So I think you let him go and let him go do whatever the fuck he wants to do but you don't
have any contact with him.
That might be a guy thing where you need some sort of closure or some shit and gradually
talk and then talk less and less and less.
I don't know.
I'm a fucking psycho when it comes to that shit. So
That's what I would do. I
Would say at this point what he's doing is he's trying to do what's right for him. So you have to do what's right for you
He's putting himself first and his wants first so you should do the same thing and
There's nothing wrong with what he's doing
he could have fucking lied and said that he didn't have urges and then gone and fucked around and first so you should do the same thing. And there's nothing wrong with what he's doing.
He could have fucking lied and said that he didn't have urges and then gone and fucked
around and you know, I don't know, no matter what, he was going to end up hurting you but
he did it, he did it, he did it the right way.
He told you, he broke up with you and yeah, he's got to go figure some shit, but I don't think he needs to be calling you
up and talking to you after a month and getting your heart going again and giving you hope
and then, but I don't know what I want to do, but I do love you, but I don't, yeah,
go fuck yourself with your wishy washy shit.
All right?
You know, you're beautiful, you're young, you got your whole life ahead of you.
You know?
Fuck him.
Just fucking, I don't know.
Why don't you have a little you time over the next two to three months?
See where you're at.
Make a little list.
Figure out what you want out of life.
You know, who knows?
Who knows?
Maybe he'll come back to you and be like, you know, it sucked and you want to take him back. Maybe you won't, but I think you need
to focus on yourself and not him. That's, that's what I would do. Um, cause you didn't
pull the trigger. He did. So there's no guilt on your end, but, um, it's a shitty thing
to do, to do that to somebody and then come back like a month later and can drag you through
that hell all over again, but then not get back with you and make
some sort of a commitment to just go back and be like, oh, you know, I hooked up with
one person but I still miss you.
You know, because then you're going to be like, yeah, so what does that mean?
Does that mean he loves me and you got to sit there playing that mental tennis?
Fuck all that.
Fuck all that.
All right there, wishy washy.
We'll see you. Just tell him what you need. You need right there, wishy washy. We'll see ya.
Just tell him what you need. You need, yeah, 100% commitment.
That's it.
You're either in it or you're out of it.
I respect you the fact that you're honest, but, you know,
I don't need you fucking hemming and hawing every fucking four weeks
dragging me back down to that emotional pit.
I'm done. Get on with your life.
That's what I would do.
You know? Ah, this fucking jackass. And then the second you're getting on with your life,
he won't want to lose you. Then he'll come back. And just so he won't lose,
he's one of those fucking guys. That's what I'm thinking. Yeah, I would get on with your life.
That's what I would do. I hope that's good advice. I had no idea. All right. That's the
podcast for this week. Thank you guys for listening.
And thank you to everybody from the bottom of my hat who watched the first season of Fs4 Family.
We're really going to try to outdo what we did in the first season and try to make them as funny as possible.
Alright, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. See you. So So I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy
I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a good boy So Yeah. I'm gonna be a good boy Yeah. I'm gonna be a good boy I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man
I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man Thanks for watching!