Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-24
Episode Date: April 25, 2024Bill rambles about life after the fall out, drumming to Willow Smith, and 'Unfrosted: The Pop Tart Movie'. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (33:33) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 4-25-16 Bill ram...bles about youtube families, Blues/Hawks, and Tom Brady. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Willow Smith - Symptom Of Life
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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you.
Shoot the fucking thing. Sorry, I got the Bruins and the Celtics on right now. Who's wearing Jay Miller's old number? That's sacrilegious.
He could at least be in our ring of honor, huh? As predicted on Monday, I told you these Maple Leafs are not done.
How can you just keep losing playoff series?
And I said they have fucking great fans, how they keep showing up, but we're
coming out of the period and they're all still downstairs
showering or something, a whole bunch of empty seats.
That's got to be in between periods.
It was a long line.
Those Canadians drank too many Molson's. I love that people think that people in Canada drink Molson. They're not. You know what they drink? They drink American
beers because America is the greatest country which is why the Stanley Cup has
been in America for over 31 years.
You know if Canada was a better country we'd be down here drinking Molson. Nobody drinks Molson.
I don't care what you name your fucking arena after. Why did I think it was the Molson Center?
It isn't. It's the Scotiabank Arena. They also got the Celtics on. They're in a game with the fucking Jimmy Butler-less
Miami Heat. Fucking unbelievable. Although I did kind of see that coming throughout the
year when we would get into games with like the fucking Charlotte Hornets. Alright, here
we go. A little bit of a run here. 59.55 Celtics.
All right. People at the garden starting to stand up.
Um, I will say this. I'm going to miss the, uh,
the gold in the Bruins uniform. I just thought, you know, usually when they, they dick around with the uniform, I don't like it,
but those, those uniforms looked really sharp with that gold.
But I think the penguins have the gold, so you can't do that. Although they came back to the league and fucking took our colors. They didn't give a shit. And their whole thing was like, well,
the penguins were around before the Bruins. Yeah. And then they folded and you gave up your fucking
colors. What'd you, what'd you do? The save my seat version of fucking sports?
Anyway, if you haven't figured it out yet, well, I guess you'll hear this tomorrow.
We are in a series here with these Toronto Maple Leafs.
Up and down the fucking ice, it's zero to zero.
Both teams feeling each other out like two fighters that respect each other in the first fucking round. Anywho, old Billy fucking slim fast. Old Billy flat
tits. Old Billy fucking getting after it. I'm fucking telling you right now, no steroids
either people. None of this testosterone with my pepperoni on my fucking pizza. None of this shit.
with my pepperoni on my fucking pizza, none of this shit. I am fucking all natural, old dad torso coming down
to the pool, appendix scar and everything.
No, I am very proud of myself.
I've been no bread.
The fuck was wrong with that pass?
Is that off sides?
Jolly coil.
No bread, drinking water, no booze,
just eating proteins with vegetables
and eating the vegetables first.
And I am totally used to it. And, uh,
I got to tell you guys something,
all of these stupid fucking things you see on TV, you know, you know,
they come on late at night and they're like, Hey, are you a fat fuck?
Can you just not get into these chains?
And then there's somebody fat looking at the camera like shaking their head.
You know, why don't you get on this?
Why don't you get on that?
You don't need to do that.
You don't need to do it.
I'm telling you it's working for me.
Therefore it means it's going to work for everybody because that's, that's how
human beings think I'm just saying it's working for me. I'm not gonna lie to you. It sucks at first
But then you get used to it and I literally I just went to the movies
All they give it away in their own fucking end. I love it
Nothing I
Went to the movies and all I got was a water And I was looking at all of this shit that I used to the movies and all I got was a water
And I was looking at all of this shit that I used to order
When I would get up to the counter I get the popcorn I get myself some fucking the yellow M&Ms
Don't want with the nuts in them
I'll tell you if I ran a movie theater, right a single screen
You know, we're gonna survive this shit
Movie theater I would bring in those almond ones
You know, it's always the plain M&Ms, which are just fucking nobody can eat a
Whole package of those plain M&Ms and not be regretting it two-thirds of the way through as
Like you literally feel your body going like, dude, that's enough sugar for the year.
I don't know what it is about the plain M&Ms, but there's something wrong about them.
That's like the gin of the chocolate world, you know, where like you drink gin and then
you just become this fucking, I don't know what, do you go from like a 21 year old to like a
fucking 63 year old divorce three times sort of surly he becomes surly yeah
that's the sugar version I'm into them but the you know the yellow ones the
peanut ones but every once in my kids it why can't they go all in? Anyway, speaking of that, I brought my truck in to get serviced and I went over to
this old-school Ford dealership out here treated me right and
I
Pull in you know, I ordered my truck and it took almost a year for it to fucking arrive and I pull in and everybody
Oh, it's nice truck, you know all the salesmen. They like it
You know, you don't see me too many regular cabs. No, you do not sir
No, you do not and as I'm all proud of my truck and I park I look over and what do I see?
I see three trucks brand new and they got the two-tone paint like they did
I want to say right up through like the ninth generation
Like factory you could get that two-tone or maybe the eighth generation ones the 88 to like 92 whatever
But and right up to the OJ Simpson one
Those years that was a nice night generation
They will make ninth generation Ford's pickups. I don't know where the Bronco was at that point. I
Would say well they had the first ones that were small.
And then they went to the big one in 78 or 79. And then they were all big. And then the fucking
thing went away. Went away sometimes in the 90s. What am I talking about? Anyway, I saw them, the
two tones and I was like, are you guys offering two tone colors now? Did you go back to that? And
they were like, no, no, no, no, those are, uh, those are custom. And I was like, all right, good. All right, good. And then they, uh,
you know, they treated me right. Yeah. Old school style. None of this, uh, Jiffy Lube bullshit. So,
um, sorry, this is what happens when I'm like watching a game. I start talking about not going
to Jiffy Lube and going to a car dealership instead.
I mentioned, or maybe I didn't mention, I did mention OJ Simpson.
Now, one of the most amazing things about when OJ died and they were showing his
football highlights, um, you know, and then also all the people that like, you
know, are furious, still furious at him for
killing two people.
It's a bad look for my people because there's a lot of white people that have done the exact
same thing to other people and we just don't seem to have the same passion.
That's the funny thing about race.
It's really like sports teams.
It's like my team cheats, your team't know your team cheats. Mine doesn't
Alright, I'm gonna go out here. I'm just gonna say is my hot take on sports
I don't need to see these fucking jerk-offs walking into the arena with their dumb suits and their stupid fucking headphones on
That now they're doing it with like hockey players because it became such a thing with like NBA players and then they started dressing to it
To build their brand.
It's like, I don't care about your suit.
Your balls are going to be sweating within 10 fucking minutes.
Why do I give a shit about your habit?
Dash for you.
I got money on the fucking game.
How many more sports do you think are going to do it?
They do it in football.
They do it in basketball.
They do it in football.
Basketball players seem to have the most fun with it. Football players, little boring hockey players, I mean they just they look like agents.
Like it was all muted colors just walking in there. Does it keep going? Am I gonna watch jockeys? You know, their little legs walking in.
What are you wearing? Is that uh, oh my god, I came in. What's what's one of those? Burberry?
Oh my god, Tyler Hero's killing us. Every time I go on it, they're showing a fucking three point ago. Oh, it's halftime. All right. All right. The TNT American Express.
Oh, what are they doing now? Another guy's going over here to the giant board so he can draw it
out. You know, I'm so glad they finally have a screen because back in the day when people
at halftime would talk about the game, I had no idea what they were doing until they diagrammed
the whole fucking thing out. Oh
grumpy old man He's a grumpy old man. No, I'm just upset because I have a bad fucking feeling about both of these games
I
Feel like the Maple Leafs somehow adjusted midway through the second game and now we've adjusted to their adjustment
And now we're staring each other and whoever scores first is gonna fucking win this. This is one of
these games. Look at the head of hair on the coach of the Maple Leafs. God damn if
his hair, if their game plan was as good as his fucking hair they would have
another fucking Stanley Cup. Comment on him. You silver fox son of a bitch.
That guy could literally read the news and the country would believe him.
All right.
Did I ever tell you how much Austin Matthews attempted growing a mustache annoys me?
That Salvador Dali fucking thing he always grows.
Phenomenal hockey player.
Anyway, I got a lot of nerve as a bald son of a bitch and a ginger on top of it.
The double whammy.
Charlie Coyle with a hand pass.
That's okay in your own zone now.
Is that what they're saying?
But you still can't cover it in the crease?
That's a penalty shot.
Are we all up to speed?
Have you guys been watching those videos trying to figure out how a kickoff's going to work?
They're going to stand a half a yard away from each other watching those videos trying to figure out like how a kickoff's gonna work.
They're gonna stand a half a yard away from each other and the the receiving team can't move until the guy catches the ball. Well how they gonna we can't cut the ball? Why don't they just move
the kicker back so they'll return the ball? Why don't they do that? You know? And once again that was Jim Ursay and he was all pissed because the Jets returned a fucking kick at the end of the game
And they ended up losing in the fucking playoffs and the next thing you know
They fucking moved the kicker up so they'd kick it out of the fucking end zone
I'm blaming him for that once I blame Jim ursay for fucking everything
Anyway, I'm going to Phoenix, Arizona for
not one show. Not two shows, not three. Four shows. First three have sold out. There's
still a few tickets left for the Sunday show. And I'm going to be out there with Vinnie Mark and
did they just knock down our goaltender and we didn't do anything about it?
Is that what the fuck just happened?
Nobody did anything.
Was that Domi?
Why does it say pizza pizza on their helmet?
We need to utilize this blank space so we could try to make more money.
I mean if we do that, that will pay for all the pucks we're going to use this year.
Do you think that's why they put the nets up?
Wasn't to protect the fans as much as it was to save money on pucks going into the stands. Who knows? I like to think hockey thinks about their fans first. Anyway, so I'm going to be
going out there. I'm going out there with Vinnie Mack and Paul Verzi is coming into town on the
weekend. Me and Verzi had a great time last time we were out there. So he had a weekend off and I asked him if he would do me the honors and he's coming
out.
So it should be a sick ass show and I'm gonna have a hard time following both of those guys.
So what am I gonna do when I get out there?
What does one person do when you go to Arizona?
Grand Canyon?
You don't want to go. I't want to go I don't camp I don't
camp I am a I'm an indoor dog I don't do that I don't do none of that shit none
of that outdoorsy shit and Bill what are you gonna do someday when the dollar
collapses in the food supply it goes I'm gonna die and I will be a food source
for you okay right even in my death I I will be a food source for you. Okay. Right.
Even in my death, I'll still be a giver.
You know, guys, cause that's just how I'm wired.
You know, I guess I care too much.
No, it's more just like, you know, I don't have time to learn how to survive.
All right.
It's like I learned how to like write jokes, you know, I'm trying to get better at drums.
I got a pilot's license.
I don't have time to do this survival shit too, you know, because then everything suffers.
And the odds of the apocalypse happening in your lifetime, I mean, everyone has just been
predicting it forever.
That's what's funny is if you go back and you watch all of these
movies from the 1900s
Something about the year 2000 they thought it was all gonna end in the year 2000
It was gonna end and Jesus was coming back the apocalypse. It's gonna be World War three
You know before that before that earlier in the century, 1984. Oh my god, and by 1984 all of this shit that they're saying in the book, which really is happening now.
He just, he was a little too early.
Oh point blank save on Tyler Matthews.
Moustache, moustache.
Anyway. mustache mustache um anyway uh
i just you know i think a lot of shit's gonna change in my lifetime but i don't think the end
of the world is coming unless the fucking asteroid hits us and then there's really no surviving that
right that's gonna be fascinating fascinating like on a reset.
Like what's going to like, like who would survive that?
You know, there's a lot of liberals out here in Hollywood that make fun of red-hatted people.
But a lot of them know how to live outside.
A lot of them probably are living outside, you know.
I didn't want to have a house on Google Maps.
So I got me a camouflage
underground situation. I bought one of them things you saw in the second season of The Wire,
when they were down on the water. What do you call those things? You ever see those people?
It's so funny those things, right?
Somebody digs it out and then you buy one of those, you know, those giant crates.
They take them, containers, they take them off, you fuck it, off the ship.
They put them on the dock and then the truck pulls up and then they take it and they stick it on the back of the truck.
People buy those things and they build these underground fucking shelters.
But, you know, you don't do it yourself you
can't in a sneaky way buy one of those you got to hire a company to dig the
fucking thing you got to buy the crate off of somebody and there's this whole
paper trail so everybody knows you're hiding underneath your front yard you
got all kinds of beans down there and then they're going to see, you know,
this stink pipe fucking, uh, chimney.
Won't they ever see those doomsday preppers.
They're sitting there going like another point blank blank save the fucking
maple leafs are going to score. We got to get it out of our own end here.
What are we doing?
All right, here we go. Moving it up. What are they playing here?
No, then up, you know standard D. I thought they were playing the lock there
Maybe they are I don't know. Anyway, you see these these doomsday preppers
I love the guys where they have it worked out where it's just them.
Like I knew I had a buddy of mine live back in Massachusetts and he was all fucking psyched
going like, dude, when the shit hits the fan, I got fucking well water and I got chickens.
And it's just like, all right, fantastic.
You have supplies.
Now how are you going to defend those with just yourself and your family?
You're gonna get overrun. You think everyone's gonna starve to death going? Ah, you know, I wish we had well water like that guy
They're gonna come in and take it. So what's gonna really have like if you look at those fucking
Whatever those those militia groups, they're not really stockpiling eggs
For the apocalypse.
They're stockpiling shit so they could go and steal eggs, right?
And then they get numbers and then they're going to be organized.
So maybe what you need to do is you got to get with your friends, right?
Now that's a tough one because if you commit a murder, I might just cop told me once you do it with somebody else
Somebody's gonna get nervous. Somebody's gonna flip
You're both going to jail and one guy is a deal, but at the apocalypse
I think all rules are rough so you don't have to worry about anybody flipping right? So you got it
You need like a half a dozen. I
Mean this is just to survive so I don't know. I mean, I don't I don't know how mean I don't I don't know how you do it I
Don't know how you do it. You'd have to be like really organized and really well armed and have a plan
To kind of like know what's coming right?
This is why I gave up on all of that shit because I actually bought one of those fucking you know
One of those those things you have food in and then it also becomes a toilet.
You know, you take all the food out and then you put a seat on top of it and you shit in a bucket.
And I'm like, I don't want to shit in a bucket.
I'd rather get overrun.
Be that guy.
Yeah, when the zombies come, they're going find me in like a bathrobe and slippers, polishing
off a fucking cigar.
Might as well have a drink at that point.
What do you say there, gray face?
Although I wouldn't want to get fucking eaten.
Yeah, you know.
This is why.
So I went to the fucking movies today.
That's why I'm talking about all of this shit.
I went and I saw that movie, Civil War,
which was just gorgeously shot.
And you know, it's about like a civil war in this country.
And, you know, it's just one of those things.
I just look at, you know, when you watch those things,
you're like, all right, who would I be?
Who would I be in this? And I was, I'd be that dead guy.
That's who I would be.
Yep, that's how that's going down.
They're just shooting these pucks right at people.
Who knows?
But I'm holding out that that's not going to happen.
I feel like there's a good thing about this greedy tech nerd
robber baron era that we're in right now is it's going to it's going to bring unions back.
Work union work work better work union used to be the bumper sticker and then you know
unions got bad reputations because they would price gouge and add extra fucking
people. Let's be honest here, like the unions weren't fucking perfect either.
But, um, you know, to balance out the greed on both sides, you need both, right?
You need Coke and Pepsi.
Isn't that how it works? I don't fucking what what what do I know? Anyway, I saw that movie highly recommend it.
Kirsten Dunst is phenomenal in it and it's good just to take a fucking day off, you know, go to the goddamn movies.
Oh, speaking of which, I have a movie coming out. I got a movie called unfrosted direct written and directed by Jerry Seinfeld
It's about the history of the pop tart
I mean, I don't know how you could have a more Jerry Seinfeld movie than that because that's like
When you used to watch Seinfeld you'd be like, how did they get a whole episode out of that one little thing in life? Right?
And they did it. And not only that, they made arguably the greatest sitcom of all time and a lot of people's opinions. Right. And I know. Okay. Boomer.
Okay. One generation. Um, it's all your fault. I love when people say okay boomer. I'm like fantastic
I'm generating X and boomers are getting blamed for something again
Anyway
Yeah, so this movie is the same thing where it's like how how can you
The history of the pop-tart. That's a movie and
Goddamnit. He did it and it's getting great reviews and I'm psyched.
I'm just in it for like a minute.
And I had such a good time working on it.
I mean, it was only like one day and it shot like in LA.
So it was great.
I just, and it was classic Jerry went down there.
It was moving along. They got me in, they got me out. I mean, I was classic Jerry went down there. It was moving along.
They got me in they got me out.
I mean, I don't think I was there more than four or five hours.
We just knocked it out and shot the scene and it was great.
I will tell you that like comedians do make great directors.
Fuck that was beautiful.
You motherfuckers.
That was a fucking gorgeous goal.
Toronto won nothing.
Oh boy. And there they are there. They are maple leaf fans jumping up and down outside the stadium. That's you got to show them
You got to show them every year and then they're gonna sadly walk away. Maybe not this round
I don't have a good feeling about this fucking
The series, you know, we've just been kind of just I
Mean Jesus Christ, how the fuck you let him in behind you like that?
Standing around looking at people.
Ah, Jesus.
Fucking look like me at pickup.
Anyway, let's see what we got going here.
Is this going to be the double whammy?
Come on Celtics, come on Celtics, come on Celtics.
What do we got here?
Coming out of halftime, coming out of halftime.
63-62, we got a game.
We got a game.
All right, let's leave this on for a minute.
Anyway, it's kind of funny that they still wear sports,
but they have those pajamas on underneath them.
Like, what is the point of wearing shorts that wasn't a foul that was terrible defense I still
don't get why the defensive player has to clear out in his own end it's
unbelievable that three seconds on the defensive player just clear out so the
guy can dunk on nobody.
I want to Eric White what a fucking year he had they said he's up for possibly defensive player of the year the guy just keeps getting better man.
Shot clock down to two seconds, Przingus pulls up a fucking brick.
All right I'm turning away from the TV turning Turning away. So these guys are trying to get me
a golf when I get out to fucking Arizona. And I have for the 90th time, retired from a sport that
I never even started. I'm gonna I'm not gonna shit. I'm gonna I'm not gonna shit on golf right now,
what I'm actually going to talk about, cause I love professional golfers.
And I think if you're a, uh, a golfer that hustles people, I think that that makes it, that makes it a cool game.
Playing it at the pro level and, uh, you know, going out there acting like you
suck, I mean, there is something pretty, it's pretty ballsy to be hustling You know, going out there acting like you suck.
I mean, there is something pretty, it's pretty ballsy to be hustling somebody that has not only a club in his hand, he has another ten options in a bag right behind him.
Have they ever made that movie?
They made The Hustler with Paul Newman.
Fast Eddie, right? One of these nights, I'm gonna fuck one of these nights.
Boom, ba-do-do-do.
The Eagles.
One of these crazy, crazy nights.
Um...
I should watch the Hustler and then the Color of Money.
Back to back.
That's something I'll do on the road.
Um...
Anyway, I'm really excited. Guess what I did?
I fucking wrote out the drum chart to...
Oh, I haven't even told you about this.
Somebody told me...
Questlove, I follow him on the social medias there, and he was raving about the new album from Willow Smith. Smith. Did I just say
Smith? Willow Smith. I'm sorry. Right as I went to say her last name I was trying
to figure out how to say the name of her album. Empath, Empathigan. So I was thinking of that, I was, well I was thinking
Smith, whatever the hell is, whatever the fuck I just said. I'm leaving that in, I'm not editing
that. Willow Smith's new album, Empathigan, and if you're a drummer man, you gotta check this thing,
and just in general, like, did I already talk about this?
Yeah, that symptom of life.
I, um, I actually had to sit down and write it out on a piece of paper
so I could figure out where fucking one, what the hell the drummer was doing.
And it ended up being something
like really simple and just he just kept repeating it.
It's just that it was in seven so it was fucking up my ears because I'm used to listening
4-4, right?
So I wrote the whole song out, the whole chart, and I went out to the garage and was messing
with it on drums and it's fucking hilarious like I would go to play it
because every fourth one the drummer does sort of like embellishes it and I
was trying to play the embellishment too and then I had to keep starting over the
song and I was out there for like an hour messing with it and by the end of
it I could do I could get through the chorus which is in four but when they would come back and
Play in seven again
they only play one bar of seven without the drums then the drums come in and then he does this thing where
He plays a whole different phrase with like a sixteenth note triplet
Plays that for a few bars and then goes back to the original phrase, all of it in seven, and that was just beyond my drumming capabilities.
But I had a great time fucking with it.
I'm going to stick with it.
I think that's going to be a killer album when it comes out.
So definitely check that out.
And I hope it inspires more people to make pop music that isn't always in four or, you know, I don't
know.
I like that shit.
I like James Cagney.
I like those guys.
Anyway, all right.
That's the podcast.
I know I was all over the place.
I know I just mispronounced the name Smith.
Like that's how much I'm fucking sitting here watching TV flipping back and forth. Come on Bruins
Can we do it to him again? You know, it's funny about like
You know that team that you always beat
That team you always beat you don't even think about them
and then all of a sudden you go to their city and you're wearing like a
T-shirt or a hat right and you're getting all these dirty looks and you're like the fuck
You know, well, what's this all about and it's just like we fucking hate the Bruins here like that's Toronto Toronto
Maple Leaf fans fucking hate the Bruins and I don't know why
We haven't done anything to him
We meet you in the playoffs and you guys figure out a way to lose.
I don't know why you're blaming us.
That was like Pittsburgh Steelers fans and San Diego Chargers fans during the Tom Brady
era.
I would go there if I had a Patriots hat, I'd be like, I got to take this fucking thing
off.
Like I know people that you pay attention to are the ones that are beating you.
You don't pay attention to the ones that you always beat.
And that's what always fascinated me about Yankee fans up until 2004.
It was like, like they had legit hatred for the Red Sox.
It's just like, why?
Why would you hate us?
We fucking sold you Babe Ruth Ruth set the whole thing off and
we've we've done nothing but lose to you. We've blown leads. We've fucking
given up home runs to short stops. You should fucking love us.
Um, but for some reason they don't. I will say what is fucking hilarious
though is the, uh, is those Knicks fans so I'm hoping you know
you know chantin we want Boston so I'm really hoping that we meet them
because that'll be funny he just hauled him down that's not a penalty he literally just grabbed
Austin Matthews and pulled him down behind the fucking net they didn't call anything
I'll tell you all that in a! Alright, three minutes to go here.
In the second period, but I'm done here with this podcast.
I gotta stop watching games when this shit is on.
I get too fucking distracted.
Alright, that is the part.
I did do some things.
I taught you how to handle doomsday.
I told you to go see Civil War.
What else did I do in there? Oh and Willow Smith's new album.
First two tracks are out on iTunes. I got them. They're fucking amazing. Check that
out if you want to listen to something new. And I think that's it. Yeah, that was it.
Alright, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend you cunts. Enjoy the music. There's a nice trip right there. Marshawn getting away with that. Score, get the fuck out of here. Wow. Marshawn doing
what he does best. Getting under people's skin, annoying the shit out of them. Wow.
Oh, that's a backbreaker.
Oh, look at the silver Fox.
Oh guys, couldn't we just fucking
couldn't we just go into the second period
in second intermission up one nothing?
Let's see. Oh, I mean that was just a textbook fucking trip.
And then he talked shit.
I love it. Get him off the ice.
Oh, my God, that was a gorgeous goal.
Trent Frederick.
That was fantastic.
We hauled down Austin Matthews and then tripped, was it Bertuzzi?
Then we scored a goal.
And now Reeves is out there.
All right, here we go.
You got to love playoff hockey.
All right, we'll see what happens.
Maple Leafs still look good.
Let's see how they weather the storm.
Well, you already know how they weather the storm.
You guys are in the future.
All right, that's it.
Go fuck yourselves.
Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew themilas and
then we got a we got a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before
Friday Monday morning podcast afterwards all right I'll see you Pushing and peeling myself out of my disguise
Looking at you now I'm wondering who am I
If I could try to take you back I couldn't define
Feeling absent in time, knowing all is decided
There's nothing here left to find find The story's all in my mind
Pushing and peeling the layers that cover my mind
Looking into the shadow, now I notice the light
Magic is real when you see it inside you decide
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday!
Monday, um, is it April? We're going to go with April. April 25th, 2016. What's going on?
Hello, how are you? How are ya? Um, I just got back from Iowa.
Uh, connected through Phoenix. Could not get a direct flight out of Des Moines. Des Moines International Airport in Des Moines, Iowa.
One of the greatest international airports you'll ever go to.
My hotel was right next door to it. I was there for about three hours before the show.
Okay, I think I heard three jets take off.
That's fucking awesome.
It's a decent sized airport too. But there's very little people, you know, come out of
them cornfields, you know, getting out of their death metal fucking band rehearsal and
going to the Des Moines International Airport to fucking go anywhere evidently.
Breezed right through security, all the whole thing.
I love fucking, I love little airports.
Um, I love them the way some of these chicks love that dude who left that
fucking band, those poor fucking little girls.
How could he do that?
Um, why the fuck do parents film their kids in embarrassing moments?
I can see if siblings do it, but it always seems like a lot of parents,
they just film their fucking kids. And it's just like all those girls who fucking got filmed or filmed
themselves, you really should take it down. But once it's up there, you're finished. You're fucking
done. You can't run for president with that on your fucking profile history. I wonder who's going
to be the first one to run for president, right? And then they just pull up some clip from their childhood on Facebook or on YouTube
or some shit, some video of them either saying something fucked up or getting hit in the
balls and then crying like a little girl or something like that.
Do you remember that time when that fucking fat kid threw that thing at the little kid
and the kid ran over and he threw the skateboard at him and the kid fucking fell down and let
out a cry like, I can't even fucking do it.
In that moment, that kid's life as far as any sort of leadership role is over.
You know, and I know what you're saying.
You're going, well, look at him, Bill. He's out there eating ringdings, running around with his high-pitched voice.
Who's going to follow that into battle?
It's like people fucking develop later in life.
You know, you should have seen me when I was a kid.
Better yet, it's a good thing you didn't.
Fucking orange hair, you know, fucking total introvert, lunatic.
Lunatic.
Literally could not talk to a girl without my face turning beet red.
I was a fucking mess.
If there was fucking videos of that, or all the fucking ass kickings I took, I remember
a girl beat me up enough when I was in third grade.
This fifth grade girl beat me up because I was playing with this kickball and her sister
came up and was playfully taking it away from me.
So I ran up to take it back and she was running along the school and I ripped it out of her
hands.
You know, used to playing with boys and she's kind of careened into the side of the school,
which of course is made of brick because you know, if it catches fire, you know, you want
something to be able to rebuild on.
You know, I mean, all those rugs and everybody inside are going to go up like a fucking bowling
alley.
But you want the main structure, because the town's got to pay for it.
So anyways, she goes into the building, hit her head, and as I'm like, oh fuck, I'm sorry,
her fucking sister showed up.
There's a big difference between third grade and fifth grade.
She looked like a substitute teacher to me.
That's how much fucking older she looked at me.
And she fucking just rained these fucking punches down on me.
And, uh, I held it together, you know, I, you know, I waited to the end of the
round, I knew I was going to lose the decision and I was all right.
I was trying to walk it off.
It really fucking hurt.
And then some girls, I forget what she said to me, but it actually made me cry.
She said something supportive.
I have no idea.
So, um, yeah, now if there was video of that, I mean, that's it.
If they ever had, I mean, this is a guy you want running the country gets beat
up by a girl and starts crying.
How the hell is he going to keep America safe? How's he going to keep
children safe? How's he going to keep Jesus safe? And then that's going to be the end
of it. All these fucking people where you just film your fucking kids. All this oversharing.
I don't give a fuck that your kid's 13 years old and is in love with a boy band. Stop filming
the fucking thing. I'm not talking about the kids who film themselves, but just sometimes
it's parents, which is really weird.
Like I hate those families that all get into their care van and they start
singing songs or doing dances and they're just, wow, that's the funnest
family ever. You know, I can see through it.
You know, the second the camera turns off, the dad turns into Joe Jackson,
Second the camera turns off, the dad turns into Joe Jackson. He starts beating their asses all over the fucking house.
Anyway, sorry.
That was just a complete left turn.
But I don't know.
I'm actually fascinated with that dude leaving the boy band at the height of their fucking
popularity. Just as far as being in the entertainment business going all right now
How do you do this did he make enough fucking money?
You know goddamn well as manager and everyone around him stole from the guy
Did he make enough fucking money?
The thing about it is he's so young he's gonna look like that guy for a while, while. So it's not like he's at that age where he can just slip back into the...
At my age, I'm going to be 48.
In 10 years, I'm going to be 58.
I'm going to look way fucking different.
Okay?
48 is the last sort of like, I could go down, maybe play some pickup hoop and I could get
picked last.
That's it.
And then 48 to 58, that's, you know, when you start getting the chicken neck, you know,
you start getting your fairs in order.
This kid's like fucking 21, you know, he's barely going to be 30, right?
A little over 30, I should say.
So if I was him, I would shave off that fucking facial hair
And I would just start eating McDonald's
And I've just become a fat fuck and then I just wait to see how well
You don't be a fat guy if you're a fat guy then
Then you like feel like famous in a different way like everybody looks at you, but you don't have a show
You know if you get to that level of fat all right don't have a show, you know? If you get to that level of fat. All right, don't get like circus fat.
That'd be funny if he did that.
He was just so good at everything,
he became like the fattest guy ever, you know?
And then everyone was staring at him again
and he's just like, fuck, I just can't not be famous.
Anyways, good luck to that kid and parents.
Take down the fucking videos of you goddamn kids,
you fucking weirdos. There's probably some pervert out there that
likes to jerk off the fucking girls crying to boy band members who just left
there's probably a fetish at this point you know it's nothing else left to jerk
off you create a new literally create a new type of porn all right anyways
plowing ahead now plowing ahead.
Now I know what all you guys think I'm going to talk about.
You know? You're going to be like, oh, I saw a big sports story.
Oh boy, oh boy, I hope he didn't fucking record his podcast before that went down.
Well, I didn't. I didn't. Okay, I will talk about that later.
I just don't give a fuck the way I used to.
But let's get to what I really give a shit about.
There's only two things I give a fuck about right now.
Game seven in St. Louis
and fucking game five back in Atlanta.
The Boston Celtics, I missed every fucking second
of the last two games, because I was on the road. I missed every fucking second of the last two games because I was on the road.
I missed all of them. I was fucking driving. I didn't have my foam.
ROLA!
So, my fucking leg was going dumb. Now I had to fucking pull over to rest area, you know? Stretch it out.
You know what I mean?
Keep my head on a swivel, looking for fucking...
truckers questioning their sexuality and fucking,
what are they, serial killers? Serial killers love a fucking rest area. So anyways, I missed all of
that. All I know is that they came back, they tied it up. I was so happy. And I did see the clip of
whoever that was. Was it smart on the fucking, smart on the Celtics, barely getting touched and literally
throwing himself out of bounds?
I mean, I know he got fined five grand.
They should have given him at least like a thousand dollars off just because he kind
of hurt himself.
He went up so high.
That was one of the worst fucking dives I've ever seen in my life.
And I mean, I even think for the Celtics probably teased him about that by the time they got
the locker room he was like Jesus Christ dude just flopped to the ground fucking jumping
up in the air anyways and the St. Louis Blues what the fuck you know I already went through
a heartache with my team I fucking hitched my wagon to you guys. You get up three to one, I knew, I fucking knew,
they had to win game five.
Game five, you know what's so fucked up
about a seven game series is you're up three games
to fucking one, and you're thinking like,
oh, all we gotta do is just fucking win one.
No, you fucking have to win game five,
because the second you don't win game five,
the last two games, the pressure's on you.
All of a sudden it goes, oh, now wait a minute.
You lost game five, the other guys win the next the next game is tied up, and then you know,
I'll tell you right now, anything can happen.
Chicago Blackhawks have the momentum going into game seven, the St. Louis Blues have a history
of playoff collapses, you know that's all they're saying on the fucking oh my god
oh my god I had such belief in this team I still believe me when I'm fucking
three games to one and I was sitting there and I said without a doubt I said
the fucking Celtics were gonna win game three I called it and then I talked shit
and I said like I said the Celtics were gonna win game three the fucking st.
Louis Blues are gonna to win game six.
And they were up three to one before I went on stage in Kansas City.
And I was thinking like, all right, they got that fucking was it Elliot and
that he's playing great.
They got, they have a size advantage.
Yada yada.
I think of this looks pretty good.
So I go on stage, right?
I do my shit and dick jokes for about a good hour and a half
I come off the stage had a great fucking show and I walk in the green room and all the fucking
Blackhawks fucking cheesing ear-to-ear grid
They cut to Mike Milbur and I see the final score was it was like six to three and I was just like what the fuck happened
cut to Mike Milbur and I see the final score was like six to three and I was just like what the fuck happened?
Tell you what happened five unanswered fucking goals is what happened.
I've yet to see the highlights of that, but um,
I'm recording my podcast right now and then I got to go over to the writers
from here working on episode three written by yours truly for next season.
Who hypes a cartoon fucking 13 months before it comes out this guy.
Um, and then I'm going to be, uh, I'm taping the blues game. cartoon fucking 13 months before it comes out. This guy.
And then I'm going to be, I'm taping the blues game.
So I'm not going to be on Twitter or any of that shit just in case you guys, you know,
send me scores and shit, but I'm going to, I can't wait to fucking watch that game.
It's going to be great either way.
I want to see St. Louis win, but you just have to respect the fucking greatness of the
Chicago Blackhawks during this era if they come back from this.
I mean, it's just, you know, it goes beyond, you know, you got to have guys like that guys
that have one fucking, what are they?
When two already two or three, two, I think they just, and they still want to win more.
It's very rare.
It's very rare. Most of the times a guy wins one, he's done.
You know? Or he wins three and he just says fuck it and he keeps eating until his belt buckle bursts.
You know? That's what usually fucking happens with superstars.
So anyways, I can't wait to see that and then the game
game five of the Celtics is tomorrow night so I'll be taping both of those.
This is such a fucking great time of year
It's a little bit of advertising ah how many more are these there's two more we'll do two and two two and two
All right, where are we where are we
Where the hell are we? There it is, there it is.
Sorry, I had to put the advertising and everything on the same fucking thing.
Um, oh, by the way, Jesus Christ, what a fucking week, huh?
With Prince dying, my God.
Watching all those, uh, those clips of him.
Just literally, you know what, I never fucking saw him in concert.
He came out here and did like 20 shows sold out at the LA Forum.
I remember Nia went and I was just, I forget where the fuck I was, I was just on the road.
It was like the first couple of nights I had gigs still out here and then I left, you know,
did a like a 10 day run and he knocked out all those
shows or some shit and I came back and I remember thinking, ah, you know, and I'll catch him
on the next one.
And unfortunately that's not how life works.
And I got to tell you though, like the level that that guy affected people, I mean, they
literally lit up the Eiffel Tower in purple.
I mean, as far as an artist, that's about as big an honor as you get.
All these fucking, like, monuments around the world getting lit up in purple, man.
I knew that we loved them here.
I had no idea, like, the level of fame that that guy had, man.
That's fucking crazy.
So, 57, Jesus Christ, I'm 48. That's all I was thinking. Good Lord.
Got to lay off the sauce. Anyways, I want to thank everybody who came out to all my shows
this past weekend. Had a great fucking time. Played one of the most beautiful theaters I've
ever played. I played the Fox Theater in St. Louis and they take you upstairs.
And if you ever get a chance to take a tour of the place,
you have to see some of the signatures that are on the wall.
Please don't sign the fucking wall.
There's like fucking people did that next to like Stevie Ray Vaughn's.
Like one of my pet peeves is when somebody fucking huge signs a wall and then
all these fucking jerk-offs
write like within the name.
You know what I mean? It's like, you're nowhere near that guy.
Get the f- You shouldn't even sign on the same fucking wall.
Um...
David Bowie was really cool. David Bowie
actually signed next to his name, but he just scribbled his.
You can't even tell it, so I'm a fucking hypocrite.
So I signed near his. But, uh, what was so cool was the whole
Stevie Ray, David Bowie story from back in the day when, uh, Stevie Ray went to, was
at the Monterey Jazz Festival and they got booed off stage and David Bowie was in the
crowd but loves Stevie's playing. Um, and afterwards came up to him and blah, blah,
blah. That's how we ended up playing on his Let's Dance album.
And then he wanted Stevie to go out on tour with them and Stevie just wasn't feeling it.
He went to some of the rehearsals and just like, I can't fucking do this.
I want to go back to Texas and play in my trio.
Started all over again and then became a giant on his own rather than being part of David's
band.
And just the two of them them just to be that close. Like Jerry Lewis, of course now I'm forgetting Sammy Davis Jr., Tony Orlando, just some,
a bunch of random shit too.
All this shit from the eighties, like the Thompson twins, all this crazy stuff in there.
And they really kept it well. And Stevie signed it twice, once in 1987, and then another time, I think right before
he died in the in-step tour.
And I got there a little bit late, so I didn't get a chance to see the theater, the actual
theater where people were sitting, thank God, until after I did the show, because that would
have been a little intimidating.
Came out afterwards. it was fucking amazing.
And had a great show, and then the next day,
I went to Kansas City and played this sprint.
Santa!
And I did a run with Jay Cata Preta,
and we wanted to get barbecue and we were trying to figure out
where to go.
That's right.
They told us to go to that fucking Oklahoma Joe's or some shit.
So we fucking pull up there and there's like a fucking two hour line outside the place
and I'm just sitting there like there's no fucking way this is the line for this place but the Royals had a
game so I guess it's like a family tradition out there people just do that
shit so we were like well fuck that place so the next place I had on my
list to maybe try out was this other place Q39 and it's the best barbecue I've
had since saws when I was in Alabama it was fucking it was the best barbecue I've had since Saws when I was in Alabama.
It was fucking, it was the best, I will say it's the best brisket I ever had.
We both ordered a couple of combo plates.
So you know, we ended up having the smoked chicken, brisket, ribs, and the fuck else
was there.
Oh, and of course pulled, and it was fucking amazing.
But I have to tell you, dude, right after that, man, I felt like I'm too old to eat
like that.
I mean, I'll spare you the fucking details, but my body was just like, yeah.
You know, you ever see somebody show up at a club and they're already drunk, like how
quickly they get thrown back out into traffic?
Yeah, that's what happened with me it was not a it was not a good thing
it was not a good thing at all so anyways but it was delicious and I
didn't even eat that much oh wait a minute now you did then we got dessert
too yeah it was kind of a bad day it was a bad day you know it's funny I didn't eat shit for the rest of the wait a minute. Now you did. Then we got dessert too. Yeah, it was kind of a bad day.
It was a bad day.
It was funny.
I didn't eat shit for the rest of the fucking night, but I had a great time.
Later on that night, I hung out with a bunch of friends.
I've been going to Kansas City for a long time.
So I had a buddy of mine out there who built my first website.
Him and his wife showed up, so we were just hanging out, having drinks, just having a
great time.
And then the last day was I got to go up to Iowa and Ames, Iowa, just north
of Des Moines. And I finally went to that state during a sunny month and it was green
and it was beautiful. And Des Moines, really underrated city, fucking gorgeous. This river
runs right through it and they got this beautiful two mile loop that you can walk around. I
wish I had time to do that. I forgot that that was there.
I, like I said, I hadn't been in Iowa since I played penguins in Cedar Rapids,
which I heard is no longer there because the river overflowed or some shit.
Um, but anyways, just had a, uh, had a great time up there.
And I got to tell you, that's the fucking place to own a Ferrari.
Iowa. That is the fucking place to own a Ferrari. Iowa.
That is the fucking place, man.
Because I, you see people riding around on motorcycles with no helmets on and
shit. That is the place to own a motorcycle.
That is the place to own a fucking supercar.
That is the fucking place to own a gun.
You have to have a gun.
These fucking at cunts who live on the coast and they're all jammed in with
people. It makes sense that you don't want everybody having a gun. These fucking cunts who live on the coast and they're all jammed in with people, it makes sense that you don't want everybody having a gun. All right? But there's this
tipping point where the population becomes so fucking little that then you're kind of
on your own out there. All right? So if your fucking weird ass neighbor shows up dressed
like leather face, I mean, you're going to call the fucking cops by the time, I was joking
on stage, by the time they drive up your driveway like half your family is fucking dead their driveways I swear to God and some
of these some of these spreads are like I don't know they're like fucking they
look like they're like a like you could land a goddamn DC-10 on the damn thing
so alright so here it is, the big news.
The big news this week that I found when I got up, right, was actually I didn't find
it until I connected.
I flew from Des Moines to Phoenix and then I connected, you know, getting my connecting
flight and it was late and I looked at my Twitter and people started sending me all
this shit about Tom Brady, the suspension somehow, somehow it came back.
It fucking blew my mind.
I was always under the impression that like, either way, once you appealed it, that
last thing was the final thing.
I've never seen an appeal of an appeal.
Maybe there's been one.
I just remember, I remember when Al Davis wanted to move the Raiders and they're
like, no, you can't do it.
And he goes, well, I'm fucking doing it anyways.
And then they had a court battle and he won and that was it.
The NFL just said, fine.
Um, maybe there was a bunch of appeals on that, but that one came out of nowhere.
And, um, I don't know, man, I don't want to sit here and fucking be a big baby
about it or anything like that, but I, it just really seems like it just went above and beyond.
It's just really extra.
I don't I don't understand.
I don't get the fucking NFL.
I really don't.
I don't get why certain things, you know, you knock a woman out in an elevator,
you get four games, you get two games at first.
Right. Then they bumped it up to four, because everybody bitched.
And then they're like, oh no, wait a minute, wait a minute, we mean you're out of football
for good.
You know, the subtext of that, of course, was no, we're going to lose a bunch of fucking
money from women.
And guys who remotely give a shit about women aren't going to buy our fucking jerseys and
shit.
So now all of a sudden we give a shit, right?
So I just have to think that this really isn't a money thing. They actually lose money when Tom's not playing.
So I really think this is just personal.
The Patriots did something to piss off the fucking NFL.
I know a lot of you guys who aren't Patriots fans think I'm just trying to make up an excuse,
but the reality is is the NFL the only thing they give a fuck about is money.
All right?
The way they handled all those concussions, the way they finally did that bullshit payout,
the way they make money off of raising cancer awareness by having pink jerseys, not letting
you know that only 3% of the money or whatever goes to research and they pocket the other 97%.
The way whenever they put a camera on the servicemen and women that they hooked up,
gave them free tickets, give them a round of applause and then they count that as a
fucking commercial and they charge whatever branch of service those people are in.
How filthy they are there and only give a fuck about money.
You know Tom Brady's Captain America like the Patriots and not the guy looks like a
movie star and they make more money if he's in the game and you're talking about literally
a cunt's hairs worth of air.
They appealed it and won and the NFL still was like no fuck you.
Fuck you. So, um, I, it's just, it has to be personal because, and I don't want to name
any fucking names here, okay?
There's other guys just as big as him who had some really questionable fucking
shit that went way beyond fucking air pressure in a ball.
All right.
And it was just like, yeah, whatever.
No biggie, no blood, no foul.
So yeah, I think it's official at this point that as a Patriots fan, I am not paranoid
when I say the NFL fucking hates the Patriots and has it out for them because they're actually
shooting themselves in the foot monetarily here over fucking air pressure, over something NFL fucking hates the Patriots and has it out for them because they're actually shooting
themselves in the foot monetarily here over fucking air pressure over something that they
lost in court like a fucking year ago.
So I don't know.
I don't know what we did.
I would love to know behind the scenes.
It's got to be some Robert Kraft shit.
I would think, you know, I can't really think of anything else because, you know, I'm trying to be honest here, but
like you know, some of the other infractions without naming names, I'm trying to be a class
act here, certain things that went through the mail, wink wink, you know, just shit like
that.
And it's just, eh, nothing.
No story.
Um, and not to mention, you know, the Colts owner in his own fucking
investigation, they found out that four of their footballs were also underinflated.
So you're talking, we're going on almost a year and a half ago that this happened.
This shit's still fucking going.
So I mean, all right, the NFL hates us and no Tom Brady for four games.
I guess that's, you know, whatever.
We're still going to win.
We're too good.
We're still going to fucking win.
All you're going to do is just make Bill Belichick a better fucking coach.
And he already prepared for this last year.
So when we get fucking Jeanine Garofalo in there again, I think he goes to it too. I'm looking forward to it.
All right. There you go. There's all of that type of stuff. What a fucking weekend I had,
man. I can't tell you how much fun I had going out there and doing those shows, man, and
working on my act and all that. It's have like I have the best fucking life I could possibly have right now I'm writing on this the exact
fucking show I want to do with a bunch of hilarious people during the week and
every other week I get to continue my dream doing stand-up comedy so and I'm
working towards taping another space special special later on this year and
I'm also starting to get the audio together
for hopefully a vinyl release of my show
at Madison Square Garden.
Obviously I want that one to come out
after my standup special, but I'm hoping to do like a,
I'm not even going to say what I'm hoping to do
with that vinyl album, but it's going to be fucking cool
if I do it right, if I don't fuck it up. All right. So anyways, here we go. Let's read some questions
here for the week. Bill, when I travel out of town for games, I bring the stick. Oh,
this is about foam rollers. Cause dude, I'm telling you that foam roller changed my fucking
life. Any old people out there like me, if you're young, you should fucking do it.
It's the greatest goddamn thing ever.
There's nothing better than like, I, you know, other than eating right in that
type of stuff, um, finding love and not having your quarterback suspended for
four games over some country air pressure, there's nothing better than, um,
then just being able to move your fucking body and stretching is the best
really yoga Pilates.
All of that shit is probably the best shit you can do because it really keeps in
shape. It really keeps you flexible without hurting yourself. I can't help it.
I'm a child of the eighties, so I always have that world gym, gold gym,
push it up, no pain, no gain. I always have to fucking, you know, do it. What are you benching?
What are you benching that kid? I always have, that's always going to be in me.
Um, but anyways, these foam rollers, I'm telling you, they're the shit. So, but I never heard of
this. This kid's recommending the stick. Doesn't it sound like a paid advertisement? It isn't.
He said, I can fit it in my carry-on. You know, it'd be great as if this kid invented it and he's
actually getting a free commercial. He said, I can fit it in my carry-on
or in my gear bag so it travels
a lot better than any foam roller. And it's a lot easier to do just sitting
in a chair and not having to roll around on the floor. You might
like it.
It's what keeps me functional when I have three to four hurling games.
Crazy ancient Irish sport to play in a day at a tournament.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
I gotta look this up.
You know if it's an Irish sport.
You know two things.
You know it's fucking crazy and you know there's nobody stretching.
Hurling.
I'm gonna show somebody puking.
Okay, it's an Irish game resembling field hockey.
All right, I'm not trying to start anything with Ireland, but that's a woman's sport over
here.
They run around wearing skirts, and I know you guys don't do the kilt thing, so what
the fuck is going on here?
All right, played with the shortest stick and a broader oval blade. It's a national game of Ireland and may date back to the second millennium BC.
Alright, so you're all forgiven.
You didn't know any better.
Alright, let's see some images for this thing.
Oh, fuck that.
That's not a...
That's a club.
I would play that fucking game.
That is a fucking club. Jesus Christ. Look at those fucking helmets they wear.
It looked like fucking Butch Goring and then somebody took a welding class for the first time. Remember Butch Goring's hockey helmet?
Butch Goring's hockey helmet, by the way, is legendary. He had the same piece of shit shit helmet I think for right up from the juniors and he just paint every time he went to a new
team he would just paint it I remember he finished with the did he finish with
the Bruins I remember he played with us all those were the days all those were
the days Jesus Christ look at this guy taking one of those fucking paddles right to the face. Um,
wow. Okay. I'd get shit faced and watch that.
That is the weirdest looking thing I've ever seen.
It's like, it looks like the beginning of a goalie stick and then you amputated
it right just beyond the heel, about a third of the way up the blade.
Um, all right. So this guy, you know what, dude, I really appreciate that.
I'm going to check that out.
Um, the stick, good stuff.
Thank you.
All right.
China.
Hi, Billy boy.
I'm Iranian living in China.
Jesus.
He goes, yeah, right.
Iranian.
I think the only place that you might not have any fans is North Korea.
And that's only because they don't have access to the internet
Anyways, I have watched I'll speak it of which Jade who I worked with this week is Brazilian and
She mentioned, you know
She was thinking about maybe doing some stand-up down in Brazil and how that scene is starting to get going and I
Was just wondering anybody from Brazil listening and if you do,
if you have any suggestions.
Because I've always wanted to take my wife down there.
She's always wanted to go and I'd love to go down there.
I guess it's cold this time of year, right?
My wife's not into the cold.
I personally like it.
You know what I mean?
That's all good for me.
I got no problem with that whatsoever.
But let me know what's going on down there
And I'm psyched you guys are getting some stand-up shit going because I'd like to see your
Chappelle's Louis CK's and David Tells
That's what I'm looking forward to all these like India and all these places that are starting to get comedians
I can't wait to see the greats that come out of those those different cultures
Alright, so anyways, let me continue on here. Anyways, I've watched all your videos on YouTube and followed your podcasts for more than six months
You are indeed a funny guy though. My Chinese wife does not get your jokes
Women around the world do not like my act. Maybe I should charge her
Change her to one with better taste. I
Think he's giving me shit there. He goes. I think you have so many fans here, especially among expatriates.
Well, if you're in Hong Kong, yeah, I did a show out there.
He goes, I don't know if you've ever been in China, but really hope you get your ass here someday.
Looking forward to hear back from you. Please fuck yourself every day in the morning before breakfast.
Yeah, I was in Hong Kong last year. I've never been to the mainland, but I heard when you go to the mainland, it's just straight
Chinese.
You know what I mean?
All the expatriates seem to be in Hong Kong, so I would go to mainland China, but I just
feel like other than seeing the Great Wall and eating some delicious food, I don't think
I could do a show up there because I would be worried that not enough people would be
able to understand what I'm saying and even if they could understand it. I
Think maybe I just I don't know. I think they'd be like your wife. Like I don't get what he's talking about
Anyways, okay continuing on Hillary hot sauce. Oh
hot sauce Hillary
Yo, Billy listen to your Thursday podcast and the bit about Hillary and the hot sauce
is actually true.
There are interviews with her talking about this over a decade or so.
Apparently in the 90s, she learned how healthy it was to eat hot peppers and so she did and
she grew to love hot sauce.
It's also known that she kept a lot of hot sauces at the White House where she lived.
Anyways, for some reason, I felt bad for her. So I thought I'd write you. Well, here's
the fucking thing. You know what? You know what I like? I like fried chicken. Okay, I would never
bring that up. If I was talking to a bunch of black people trying to get their votes. You know
what I mean? Even if she is into it, what you just say, she is fine. It's still a fuck, it was just tacky.
Hot sauce, I always had, you know, it wasn't lipstick, it wasn't anything like that, all
the other bullshit that she has.
Yeah, I just don't buy it.
And I just think they're lying sacks of shit and I've had 20 years experience watching
them on TV.
I lived in New York when she was a senator there.
I watched Bill Clinton for eight fucking years.
I can't stand them.
I think they'll literally fucking say anything.
I think they're bought and paid for.
They are the fucking devil.
Not literally they're evil, but they're just the same evil that you're dealing with.
And it doesn't make a difference if she's black, if she's got a dick or a vagina.
It's going to be more of the same if you pick her.
And I think that's why you have two fucking extreme people.
I think people are sick of that and that's why Bernie's still in it and Trump is still
in it because I think generally speaking, people know that whatever the fuck we're doing,
it's not working.
It's not fucking working.
So maybe nobody can fix it.
You know what I mean?
You got fucking what, four or 500 million people.
You can get all the, get them all to try to tug the rope in the same direction. I mean, it's, it's a very difficult thing to do.
And, uh, I don't know.
I just wish the election was tomorrow.
We could just get it over with.
I saw this funny sign on the internet and it said 2016 everybody sucks.
Or something like that.
Something about all the candidates.
No, but there's not I don't know I butchered it.
I have to you know what to make up for me just butchering that thing I might have to
put the picture of it which I probably won't be able to find so I think I'll just have
to take it.
But I fucked that up.
All right let's read the last two advertisements here.
Advertisements, Advertisings,ry's Berries, where the fuck are they?
God damn it. All right, here we go. Oh, I should probably make a prediction here, right?
I don't know how to, you know what, I have no prediction for game seven. I want the Blues the blues to win. Um... Fuck.
You know what? Fuck it.
You know what? I'm not going to say
anything because at this point blues fans are going to hate me
if I fucking predict them again.
You know, people get all fucking with that
mojo shit. You're going to
jinx them. Fuck it. I'm just going to watch the game.
Alright, click on the microphone at the top of the home page
and type in burp. I hope that's what I was supposed
to say.
Jesus Christ, they like type the whole fucking menu.
I feel like I was introduced in the fucking Wu-Tang.
Alright, cash and banking. I listened to your podcast today about money, how it's just a number while relating to paychecks.
And about money, how it's just a number while relating to paychecks. I couldn't agree more that they are intentionally phasing out cash, period.
Every payday I go to the bank and I take out all of my cash except what is needed to cover
my bills and the bank people look at me like I'm an idiot.
On a regular basis, I walk out of there with seven to eight grand in cash at least once
or twice a month.
And they actually interrogate me about why I'm taking all my money out of the bank
and how come I don't need my money in the bank.
All my friends think I'm a conspiracy theorist because I buy silver by the pound
and other precious metals. Dude, you need to shut up.
Stop telling your friends that you do this shit.
You're opening yourself up to get robbed.
All right. Just act like you're just taking everything down to the
fucking bank. Why are you telling me this? All right. All my friends
think I'm a conspiracy by silver. I refuse to keep money in the bank.
And if we ever go into a great depression, the government collapses,
they're going to seize everybody's money in the bank accounts guaranteed.
Uh, so I'll keep all my cash hidden at home, which if the currency crashes really in the
end, it doesn't do me any good because it won't be worth shit. But I don't like the government to
know how much money I have at any given moment. I think it's a good practice. So yeah, I think
people should take their money out of the bank every payday, actual physical money and dollar
bills. Plus when I have the cash in my hand and I run out of it, there's no way I
can spend more than I have. I also don't believe in credit cards. Everything I've bought was with
cash, even cars. $30,000 cars bought with cash. It may throw up a few red flags, but fuck them.
No, it doesn't. Not if you're, you know, not if you're, if you're paying taxes on all, once you deposit it in the bank, there's a record of it.
I think the banks want to know what you're doing with it.
They always want to know what you're doing with your money because they want to make
money off your money.
What you do every week by giving them money is you give them an interest-free loan on
their money.
I guess they give you a couple of points of interest.
They provide the service of keeping your money safe, allegedly, even though they're a bunch of
crooks. And then they loan it out to your fellow countrymen at super high rates. And
this is another thing too, if you put seven, eight grand in there, they can loan seven, eight thousand
big, a hundred percent loan out all that money, like, I don't know, like times three or some shit.
It's crazy.
Back in the day, like when you ran a bank responsibly, say if you had 10 grand in the
bank, you could only loan out like, there was a certain percentage you couldn't go past,
like 30%.
I can't remember what it was, but you know, so the money was still there and then the
bankers through paying off politicians kept getting that money that number the percentage
bumped up and up and up and up and they kept getting more and more deregulated more more deregulated now when you put the money in
They can loan you put a thousand in they can loan they can loan out
Not only a hundred percent of that thousand they can loan like another three thousand dollar off of that thousand. A thousand for you, you, you, and you.
So they basically counterfeited like three grand.
As far as the shit that I've read, and I haven't looked that stuff up for a while, things might
have changed after 2008, but it's a pretty shady thing.
But I will tell you, I don't feel comfortable having a bunch of cash in the fucking house.
You know?
I always hear the first 48 playing in my head.
So, you know, good luck to you.
You know what I did after a while?
I just tapped out of Conspiracy Theory.
I got a fucking dog.
I watched sports and I just, I'm just,
I take comfort knowing that I can only die once.
That's what I do.
All right.
Okay, oh Jesus, another fucking hair loss thing.
Is this gonna be another guy asking me, should I shave my head?
Should I not shave my head? Should I glue something on there? Hey,
Oh flowers for bilion. Uh, I'll keep it short.
Parentheses and thinning.
I've been losing my hair for the past couple of years.
It's thinning at the top and has been doing so for six years.
Um, I know you've gone through the same predicament.
You're very perceptive.
I'm going to go out on a limb.
I think you know what I'm talking about here.
He goes, I know it shouldn't matter and I should probably just shave it, but I love
my hair.
My God, do I love my hair.
I remember when I used to get my hair cut, every barber or stylist I went to said how it was so thick and I would never have to worry about going bald, those
lying fucks. So when it started thinning, I, like most guys, started reading everything
I could. I found out that most men have had success with Propecia. It's a one day a pill
that you take. 60% of men have regrowth while 30% keep what they have.
Now, what does that mean? 60% have regrowth and 30% of that 60%? Yeah,
I guess that that would be, yeah, that's obvious what that would be. Keep what they have. No.
Or is that the other 30? 60% keep what they have. have No 60% Jesus Christ bill have regrowth 30% keep what they have. So now are we up to 90%?
Yeah, I guess we would be and it seems not to work for about 10% of men
So it seems like a no-brainer to at least try right well for about 2% of men
Alright, dude, you said 60 30 10 and now. We're up to 102% here. So there's
some fucking overlap. It makes their dick not work. They complain of weaker to no erections.
Since looks are, that's fucking hilarious. You keep your hair to get the girls, you come
home and then your dick doesn't work. That's exactly why I don't fuck with that shit, because
you can never have your cake and eat it. I just feel like there's gonna be some sort of damage that it does. I just you know, dude, I'm 48 years old
What am I gonna join a boy band it's fucking over, you know, I
Gotta be honest with you. If you don't fight aging, it's pretty painless
You know, I go to the gym, you know, I keep myself in good shape
But all of that other shit, these fucking,
this fucking woman was telling me this weekend that out here in Hollywood, you know, or possibly
around the country, I don't know, they have, this is the most disgusting thing. As far
as vanity, I think I've heard in a long time. Do you know they have, they have Botox parties?
Like they come over, they drink drinks, they watch a show or something like that and then you can go over and you get
like
That shit that makes your face look like the Joker
Just shot into your face like this foreign chemical under your skin
You know, I guess it's your skull right there and it is protecting your brain, but I just feel like
Somehow it's got a leak in there, right?
but I just feel like somehow it's got a leak in there, right?
Or it goes into your fucking bloodstream or something somehow ends up in your brain. I just see you just literally injecting chemicals into your fucking face.
The amount of people that won't do heroin but will put Botox in their body,
it's just, I don't know, I guess it's whatever the fuck you're into.
I don't know. Like I said, if you just accept the fact that,
you know, you're no longer young and you dress your age,
you know, you, you, you don't look that, you know,
if you keep yourself in shape, you look fine. You know what I mean?
You don't look sexy. You're not attractive, but you shouldn't be.
You should have gotten all that out of your fucking system.
This whole fucking thing that you got like these broads on the fucking real housewives
walking around with their bedazzled jeans.
They got like four kids and they're still fucking putting hooker jeans on.
It's like, what are you doing?
You're a mom.
You know, the husband's walking around with fucking tank tops on.
I just don't understand.
Put on a sport coat.
You're supposed to be adults.
I don't know.
I blame Madonna.
No, I don't.
She looks great.
What am I talking about?
And then all you guys, oh, what the fuck?
What the fuck?
Shut up. You's still banger.
Alright, Sudbury. The ugliest place in Ontario, Canada.
Dear Billy Burr, please talk about your experience traveling through Sudbury.
I didn't think it was ugly. I thought it was cool.
Did you notice how there were no trees in the area above 10 feet tall or so?
Most of the vegetation in the area was destroyed by acid rain caused
by the massive mining operations in and around Sudbury. Our stupid tourist attraction is
the largest nickel in the world. Luckily, they solved the population problem by building
a gigantic smoke stack. Currently, the second largest freestanding chimney in the world to spread the pollution
out over a larger area.
Industry has been winding down, so now we have more unemployed, hardworking Canadian
rednecks than ever.
Great place, can't wait to get anywhere else.
That's fucking hilarious.
I, of course, might have a future as a writer, man. See how fucking humor works
when you hate where you live. I didn't hate where I live, but I mean, there's just certain things
that can fucking bring it out of you. I had no idea. I didn't know anything about that. I had
a great time when I was up there and I'm a nerd when it comes to traveling. I like going to places
I haven't been to. And at this point, there's nothing I like doing better than not going to the major city.
Um...
I've been to all of them a thousand fucking times.
They're great, but um...
I don't know, I like going to the other places.
Des Moines, Deadwood, right? What's that one I went to in fucking
Louisiana? It begins with an S. I can't even remember. It wasn't New Orleans. It doesn't
begin with an S. Schenectady. Shreveport, right? I don't fucking know. Anyways, open
relations. Hi there, Billy Baldbags.
What the fuck is up with open relationships these days?
I'm a 37-year-old lady, unexpectedly widowed.
I'm sorry to hear that.
After eight years with my husband, I'm getting back out there in the dating world and have
discovered a plethora of people who are in open or polyamorous relationships.
I don't know what polyamorous means.
Alright. Open relationship means like, yeah, you know, keep it clean. I don't want to know about it.
Don't make sure it's nobody I know polyamorous
Amorous
Do do do is a practice or desire for intimate relationships evolving more than two people also they have threesomes together
That's so fucking weird does a couple like break down the game tape afterwards like I just felt like you licked your pussy a little better than mine.
You know, do you make like halftime adjustments when you switch in positions?
Open relationship.
Does it get me in trouble?
Rules to be looking at this online.
This is my search engine.
Open relationship, six rules for doing the whole open relation thing right.
One, don't do it. Two, don't do it. All right. Open relationship, six rules for doing the whole open relation thing right. One, don't do it.
Two, don't do it.
All right, open relationship.
All right.
Okay, here we go.
One, understand what an open relationship actually is.
There's a lot of confusion about what is and what isn't an open relationship.
Some people who are in long distance relationships say what isn't an open relationship Some people who are in long-distance relationships say they aren't in an open relationship
They both hook up with whoever but just don't talk about it by the word open connotes honesty
All right, so they have to know about an open relationship and knowledge that couples can have their needs met by other people
If you're really okay with that, why keep it a secret? All right
It's actually a great point if you
are okay with it it shouldn't bug you what'd you do today honey I had some
chick blow me on the way home and I got a pizza oh that's great I tape Thunder
Games Hunger Games what the fuck they call Thunder Games make sure you're
doing it right doing it for the right reasons.
Are you interested in an open relationship just because you want to be with other people
or is it that you're interested in physical experiences with other people but you want
to stay committed to sharing your emotional and spiritual self with one person?
This is where it gets complicated.
Set some boundaries.
No anal.
Every person's guidelines are different, but there are always things
to think about before you enter into an open relationship. Do you both need to be present
in order for sex with other people to be okay? Can you be with one gender and not the other?
Are certain sex acts off the table. These are all important things.
This is like the early days of USC.
No more eye gouging.
You can't do that thing where the other guy puts the finger in your ass and then you go,
all right, I give, I give.
That's actually a wrestling move, if you can believe it.
Anyone you hook, tell your other partners, anyone you hook up with outside your relationship
deserves to know the deal.
Try say something like, I find you attractive, but you should know my partner and I are in an open relationship, so there's someone else
in my life. That way they can be fully informed, okay? Keep it healthy, that's obvious. Have
regular checkups. There you go. All right, so now that I'm a little more fucking educated.
What the fuck did that just say? Oh, 60 turn-ons for better sex. I thought it was a turn-ons for over 60. I think I am a little dyslexic. All right. So she says
she's getting in there and everybody, okay, so there's a bunch of like husbands and wives
looking to hook up with her or people who are saying that they're in open relationships.
She goes, I've recently started dating a great guy who lives with the mother of his kids in a supposedly sexless domestic partnership. We have a great connection
and we enjoy each other's company, but he doesn't have a lot of extra chill time due
to his family commitments. I have kids too, the same age as his even. I keep telling him,
let's all hang out together, but he is hesitant which makes me question the openness of his
Open relationship or maybe just wants to fuck you
Right. I keep telling let's hang out together. Okay. I should have walked away sooner, but he gives really good head Jesus Christ
I'm not ready for anything too serious
I just wish she had more time to spend with me socially this seems to be more and more common. These I'm so cool and modern, I'm going to fuck you and then go home to my wife hipsters.
Should I keep seeing this guy?
Thanks for your insight.
I'm a former Bostonian living in Hawaii.
I'm a huge fan.
You keep me laughing through some hard times and I fucking love your old freckled face.
Moi.
Oh, thank you.
I would say, yeah, I...
I don't know, that's all fucking,
look, if you just want to fuck around,
but like this guy obviously doesn't,
he obviously doesn't want to do anything more.
Even if he didn't have a, wasn't with somebody else,
if he doesn't want to hang out with you,
then that means he just wants to be fuck buddies,
which is totally cool if you know that that's the deal.
If you're alright with that, I would continue seeing him.
If you're not, I would move on.
And if you're sick of meeting people like that, I'm sure there's men who, um...
That didn't work. I was going to say men who are sick of meeting women who are in an open relationship.
Yeah, guys would be like, yeah, that's cool. You don't want to hang out? Perfect!
Up top! sounds good to me
Yeah, I would if you're your age how busy you are and all that shit I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm 10 years old and you see I'm not talking down to you
37 you got fucking kids
kinds of people you're gonna meet in the civilian world are also gonna be married with kids I'm saying or divorced I mean
I would join it. I would join a a dating site that's what I would do and just say what you want I would fucking go out and try
and find it when you're ready when you're ready but you know as far as all
that other shit I mean that's up to you I've no I have no fucking idea that just
made me happy that I'm fucking married. And Jesus Christ, more
and more fucking brutal goddamn shit. I'm not even getting to, I know you guys all heard
some sad news about comedians this past week, man. Just fucking brutal. Absolutely fucking
brutal. Made me feel very lucky and blessed. So once again, thank you to everybody that
keeps coming out to my shows. And that's it.
That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. And that's it.
Don't take any shit out there, you fucking cunts. It's like a turtle in sand making way to the ocean
Almost meeting the end because the birds are in ocean
This man is alone with painful beauty as a symptom of life Oh