Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-4-24
Episode Date: April 4, 2024Bill rambles about real estate agents, Steve Martin, and a small airport. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:27) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 4-416 - Bill rambles about cake walks, psychos a...nd Detroit. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Gilad Hekselman - Above
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Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr.
It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.
And you know what?
I'm just checking in on you.
You know, just checking in because I care.
You know, maybe that's my big problem.
I've just always cared too much.
Do you know?
If you have anybody in your life and they describe themselves as an empath,
Just fucking walk away. I don't care if you have to pay the check.
Just go, you know what? I'm gonna get the check right now. Thank you.
Did I do something? Um... You know what? Yeah, you did I do something um you know what yeah you did you did but I
don't want to tell you what it is because I don't want to fuck you up
emotionally because you because you care so much an empath who the fuck comes up
with these goddamn expressions?
It's like why can't the English language just be done?
Why do they have to keep coming up with new, because we're not coming up with any good ones.
I get it if you invent something.
It's the Kindle.
Do you know how we have books?
This is like a book, but it's not a book. It's like a book where you just, you know, had to cut down a tree.
Now you got to cut down like fucking nine million people to dig it out of a mine in Africa to make this fucking tablet.
It's called a Kindle.
Okay.
You know, I was watching the I am fascinated with these real estate videos. Real estate agents might be some of the most disturbing people.
Or maybe they're like comedians.
You know what I mean?
Where like you have like your David tells who, by the way,
has an unbelievable special on Netflix.
You got to see it.
And for whatever reason, people don't understand that that guy's the fucking best guy out there
doing it.
Always has been, always will be.
There's just nobody fucking funnier than that guy.
Maybe real estate agents.
Because I know a few that are actually like normal, but like these fucking guys that are
on TV, I guess that that's what it is. Because I know a few that are actually like normal but like these fucking guys that are on tv
I guess that that's what it is because they're on tv. They make like these fucking videos. They're out of their minds
So I was looking at um
That uh the steinway building
in um New york city The Steinway building in New York City. It looks like a fucking cigarette.
I don't even know how the thing stands up.
And they say that it moves.
It has to move like ridiculously with the wind so it doesn't fucking break in half and
plunge to the ground.
And the people that live in it say they hear all these crazy noises.
Yeah, you know what?
I think I'm good.
Not like I can afford to live in that fucking place, but you know, you want to see what
it looks like.
It's like, what does it look like to be way the fuck up there?
So I watched this video in this real estate agent.
He kept saying, and over. We have another corner moment. He kept calling because they had windows in the corner of the apartment
He was calling it a moment. We have over here. We have a corner moment
Now if we go in here, we have a living room. These are like
76 foot it was like 36 foot ceilings.
And they got ceiling the floor fucking windows.
It's one of the most terrifying places I've ever seen in my life.
You just felt like there wasn't a room in the place you couldn't commit suicide
by simply stepping outside, you know, crawling out the fucking window was, it was, I don't,
I don't like ceiling to floor windows when I'm at a height where I could fall to my death.
I kind of realized that watching this thing, I like when they go up to your waist. So, I mean, can you imagine if you fucking sleepwalk and you're in that fucking apartment?
And I know you're not going to go through the window, but you bump into the window and then you just open your eyes like,
And you just collapse to the floor and you're rocking in a ball, holding yourself, just going, I'm successful.
I am successful.
I need to keep this place so people know I'm successful.
So anyway, he just kept talking.
He just kept going.
And over here we have another corner moment.
Corner moment.
I just, you know, one of my big regrets in life is that I didn't get into the corporate
world just so I could be in the fucking meeting.
Like who comes up with it?
Who says it?
Do they get excited when they have some new fucking thing that they
say like that? You know, like when white people hear like new black slang and
then want to try it out on their white friends and just casually throw it out
there so they could seem down. Are you going down? Do you remember that
commercial late at night? I'm going down. And then the announcer goes, are you going down?
Sessions presents R&B hits from the nineties.
Are you getting jiggy with it?
With it?
A corner moment everybody.
It's not the corner of the fucking room where the spiders are
It's a corner moment I
Mean you like you having a corner moment you should go over there and have some sort of emotional breakdown
Is that where you go and cry?
When the stock market crashes and you have to leave
so this other guy was going like when I first
And he sounded like he was orgasmic just see the just the thought of selling this apartment and him getting the commission
So he'd get this windfall of money so he could go out and go buy a bunch of stupid shit. He doesn't need
You know
like a Rolex Daytona patina'd
Like a Rolex Daytona patina'd. Here's something about how dumb I am.
No, no, I gotta finish this idea.
So this fucking guy is just sitting there and he goes like...
Oh, I actually wrote it down.
I always send these things to like Rachel Feinstein.
She's like the person in my life that really seems to like shitting on them. Alright, where am I going?
I always send these things to Rachel. Hang on one second, where is it?
Oh, fucking, you know, one of these days I want to learn how to use my phone.
Oh, this is the opening line when the guy goes into the apartment. You know, one of these days I want to learn how to use my phone.
Oh, this is the opening line when the guy goes into the apartment, the penthouse
apartment at the Steinway. He goes,
he was trying to wrap his head around how un-fucking-believable
he thought this place was with its corner moments.
And he goes, the whole video opens up, he goes,
when you live above, sound.
I was just like, you know, like when you look, you start to watch a movie and you're like,
oh man, this just the way it's shot.
It looks good.
You can just feel like, oh, this looks good.
And then there's just this killer opening, opening line of the movie.
You're just like, oh dude, I'm fucking in the second I heard him say that it was just
like, I want to watch this guy barely controlling
the level of saliva in his mouth as he talks, over here we have the pantry.
42,000 square feet of granola and flour.
Anyways, it's, it's, um,
and also too, like the level that corporations are just squeezing people right now, they're going to cause a revolution. I'm telling you the level that they're squeezing people
and the amount of people that are working 40 hours a week and they still, they have a job and they still don't make enough money to survive.
And this fucking guy is up there.
He wants to live above the sound of that.
First of all, there's no way you don't hear the wind whipping around.
You're also at those fucking things are so tall.
They actually, they are, they had the contact, the FF, the FF, the FAA to
build them there in like LaGuardia is airspace.
in like LaGuardia's airspace.
It's fucking look, I get it. If you live near an airport and you're on the ground, you know what I mean?
That's one thing.
But when you're in the fucking air and you're still like 10 miles from the fucking
airport and you're still in the airspace and you're just sitting there having a corner, you're gonna have a corner moment when that fucking, somebody
staring at their cell phone comes by in a 737 as a near miss.
I don't know, I think the whole thing's fucking hilarious and you know, and I would say terrifying.
Anyway, if you get a chance, you gotta start watching those things. fucking hilarious and you know and I would say terrifying anyway.
To get a chance you got to start watching those things. I like when there's like a realist I'm I want to shit on all real estate agents.
I like the ones that like, you know, this one that I follow on Instagram that gets
really excited about.
You know original owner owner mid century houses.
Which I actually like seeing those things,
but like it's also gross.
If it's like all original, like, especially
cause a lot of those had like, some of them anyways
had like wall to wall carpeting that went right
into the bathroom.
I looked at one the other day just to do it.
I was having a daddy daughter day and I found out it's something that like kids love doing
it like going and looking at houses.
It's like going into like a tree fort and like, Oh, look at the pool.
You know, and the poor real estate agent is like getting all excited.
They don't realize I'm killing an afternoon here
They think like oh wow the kid likes it maybe I can
Maybe I can fucking you know sell this to him. Oh, I was not a corporate thing
I was talking about like in my business the shit that they fucking say
Your real it your what do they call it?
Your, your social media assets, you know, and when this project, um, comes to fruition,
we would like to take advantage of your social media assets.
And you just sitting across the table going like, did you just say you want me to tweet about it?
You fucking jerk off. Just say that
social media as they like the word asset because asset is,
is, you know, is exciting. It means money.
They start getting the saliva social.
Just take advantage of your social media assets,
I'm like, just take advantage of your social media assets. Do you have a positive uptick in the chi of this project?
Whatever, what are some of the other ones?
I was writing them down when we were doing old dads
and we were writing the part, Miles Robin's part
And I had we were writing the part miles Robbins part
Of the one who takes over our our company
And we were writing those fucking things down and they were just like
Some of them were sad, but most of them were hilarious. There's a lot of circling back
We're gonna circle back we're gonna revisit this I forget
I'm the worst whatever I'll try to find that list someday. I'll read them too because they're so fucked up
You can't remember them because nobody talks like that other than them
But anyway now that I'm shitting all over everything if you want to see something
I mentioned this on the Monday morning podcast if you want to see something, I mentioned this on the Monday morning podcast, if you want to see something absolutely incredible,
uplifting, positive ray of light, you got to go on Apple and watch Steve Martin, a documentary
in two, fuck, I forget, two pieces or something like that.
And the first one is all about his childhood and his rise to like ridiculous
fame. Um,
selling out Nassau Coliseum three times 45, 47,000 tickets.
And this is like 1980 when there's no social media assets. There's none of this shit where you can post crowd work and
all of a sudden sell out an improv.
Like this guy, what he did was unbelievable and
was the biggest comedian of all time.
And the second one in two parts, that's what it is.
Steve Martin in two parts and everything about the documentary is fascinating.
It says Steve giant, you know, letters, exclamation point, and then Martin is
written in small letters, a documentary in two parts.
The second one is basically him now looking back on all the
movies he did and where he is in his life now. And I don't want to ruin any of this,
but if you had a traumatic childhood and you think you'll never make sense of it and therefore you'll never find
happiness. You have to watch this documentary because,
it shows you that you can. It's, it's amazing.
Like there's no way that, um, I don't want to say there's no way,
but this is one of these things like, you know,
I don't know. You can, you, it transcends stand up and show business and all that.
It's amazing.
Everything about it blew my mind.
And then the whole thing of he comes back doing stand up after the loneliness and the isolation of his childhood and that level of success.
And then he returns to stand up.
And even in stand up, he's with somebody.
He goes out with Martin Short and it looks like they just have a blast every
night. And, um, I don't know,
just as a comic or whatever,
seen somebody that walled off emotionally and all of that, and then finding,
you know, all of this other stuff, getting married, having a kid. Um, it's,
it's, I cannot recommend it enough
Anyway moving on here
Show high stakes poker Oh Tony
Had his first home run as a Dodger last night
And you know, it was funny it goes into the stands some guy goes, whoever caught that just made a lot of money. The Dodgers, the Dodgers are just completely out of control.
They are just, they have complete that franchise has completely lost their mind.
They've spent $700 million on one guy. Now granted, you know, they deferred
it, you know, which with, you know, the level of trust that guy has with the people around
them. Hey, would you like to translate what I'm saying into English? Oh, by the way, would
you also like to have all my banking passwords? I know, I know it's not the Patriots. It's an old
story. It goes away. It goes away. You know, I wonder when they do the documentary on the
Dodgers, is that what they open with? They don't open with Brooks Robinson and Brooks
Robinson, Jackie Robinson and fucking breaking the color barrier.
They don't open with that.
They're going to open with the translator somehow getting a hold of Otani's banking
information and placing four and a half million dollars worth of bets.
You know, whatever.
I want to believe that he didn't know.
I got to be honest with you.
I don't give a fuck if he did.
I don't think it should be.
I don't think that baseball, football, hockey, basketball, all of these fucking people should
be making money off of gambling.
I don't think they should be in bed with these people.
But if you're going to be, don't get mad when one of your players is using your business what the
fuck are you mad at four and a half million dollars he probably lost most
of it you should be excited hey mr. Otani why don't you go trust more people
Why don't you go trust more people?
It's so fucking funny the way they sit there and they like ESP and will be like, you know, they talk about the fucking scandal and at no point are they like questioning like what the fuck are we doing it? What are they going to do next?
You know, marijuana is legal now introducing NFL football gummies
Have you placed too much money? Have you placed your entire check on this game and the first half isn't good?
Don't forget to swing by the New England Patriots gummies
Yes, check out the new retro gummies shaped like Pat Patriot
You'll be flying high in the third quarter and not give a fuck that you can't support your family this week
But bump bump on dodo dodo
Major League Baseball and sex and human trafficking
Major League Baseball and human trafficking are days away from making a deal. Pimping is now legal.
What do you think about it?
Well, you know, I think it's safer.
I always got nervous when street walkers were walking down the street.
I'd always was thinking that was somebody's daughter. I think
it's better that you can take advantage of their genital assets in the bowels of this
state. I will say that the Diamondbacks are going a little bit far with their diamond medallions, sex trafficking level that you can attain with the season ticket
purchase of box seats behind home plate and that you can bang them in their jacuzzi.
I understand that, you know, this is capitalism and I don't want to be painted
as a Russian, but they could at least put some sort of concussion protocol tent over the jacuzzi when the act is
being performed.
How about that this week in baseball bump, bump, bump, bump.
And they're showing all the highlights and Aussie Smith's doing a back flip.
And then just some fucking real estate agent, Botox real estate agent banging a whore in the jacuzzi in the Diamond
Backs fucking outfield.
Kansas City brings back their fucking water fountains out in the outfield and then they
just have these whores come out and no bras with white t-shirts on that say KC.
KC they walk through.
Don't, hey, hey fellas, don't forget to visit our whores during the seventh, they'll give
a whole new name to this seventh inning stretch.
Thank you.
I'll be here all week people.
Never ending premise, sex trafficking in America's pastime
Anyway
Shout out to Latino people keeping America's pastime going for the last I don't know 20 years in the stands and on the field
I actually still love baseball.
I watched a little bit.
My Red Sox swept the Oakland A's.
That poor franchise, man.
I kind of love that they play in that weird ass stadium.
That multi-purpose stadium.
And the other person moved out.
There was a divorce and the A's got the house.
And Vegas,
I mean the Vegas Raiders have like a midlife crisis so they moved to Sin City.
Never get married again.
Just gonna be banging young chicks on the strips, riding my Harley and fucked it.
Speaking of which, I had such a fun day yesterday.
I've been doing this flight out to this little uncontrolled airport out here called Flabob.
I swear to God.
And it is the cutest, most adorable airport I think I've ever landed at.
And it has a nice little restaurant out there and it's open at 7am.
So I'm going to fly out there with one of my buddies slash instructors.
I'm going to check the place out and if it's decent, I'm going to take my wife out there
one morning for breakfast.
And then I also landed in Chino.
So I've landed at every airport in the LA basin.
I've soldered into all of them except for Van Nuys, Orange County, and then there's like a military one next
to it.
And then cable.
Cable, I don't know.
Cable, I'm going to go there on like a Tuesday at about 11 a.m.
You know, when I know, or maybe 1130, maybe noon, it's during the week.
Most people are at week at week at work.
And then even if you are out flying, maybe a hungry and you want to get lunch
just to limit the traffic.
There's something about cable.
I don't know what it is.
It just always seems like there's that one.
And then Corona, there's always like 58 people in the fucking pattern and it's all private pilot jerk-offs like me
and I just always get like I get fucking I don't like when there's too many like Cessnas in the
pattern I'm like yeah you know what I'm good I'm good because sometimes their wings are like below
them so they can't see beneath them and it's just been incidents where they've come down on top of helicopters
so I
I'm a big controlled airport guy. I
Like talking to the tower and I like the tower talking to me and telling me what the fuck is going on out there rather than Me talking to somebody who might even have less hours than me at this point.
I'm getting my hours coming up.
After all these years, I'm finally coming up on like 500 hours.
And I've been having such a fucking great time lately.
I solo all the time now.
I'm getting those hours up,
coming up on 100 hours solo time.
And I still fly with my instructor, you know,
every couple of weeks and he takes me through everything,
hover autos and then advanced auto rotations.
And I absolutely love doing that stuff.
And I don't know.
It's just now I finally gotten into the, I finally have enough experience that I'm
getting into the fun you can have with a private pilot's license.
Going places and landing and checking things out, even so like Riverside,
Riverside very underrated people who live, you know,
in like the Los Angeles area, I guess that's greater Los Angeles.
Maybe it's part of Riverside is part of the inland empire.
Um, they look like down in the, oh man, it's a fucked up area.
The crime is high and blah, blah, whatever.
So it's struggling a little bit economically, but there's a lot of fucking cool people there. I saw I
went out there for soundcheck when Lamagard was out there and they were playing this sick-ass venue and we found this great place to
get coffee and
And
You know when you go into flavor when you're flying in the pattern right on the other side of the hill you see downtown
Riverside and stuff. I'm like, that's a fucking cool-ass looking town
I don't know what happened but somewhere along the line. I
Finally got over the fact that I'm from the East Coast
I was actually able to appreciate it out here and I fucking love this city the same way. I
Love Boston. I love New York and all of that type of stuff. Boston obviously in Massachusetts, that's where I'm from.
So when I, when I go there,
it's this combination of like grinning ear to ear and then melancholy because
they've knocked down yet another thing that was from my childhood. Oh,
they went out of business.
I mean, I'm one of those people, I'm like so living in the, I used to so live in the past I should say.
I would get sad when like Leachmere closed, which to me, Leachmere was like sort of the
original Best Buy, but it was like better.
I can't even, I don't even know why it was, it was just better.
There was like, there was, first of all, there was a staff there and they were making enough
money where they could live week to week.
So they were in a better mood and they had all of, uh, you, you would go in there and
whatever like fucking amazing, awesome thing you wanted, they they had you walked into that store
there was the registers and to the left was all of their music and this is when
there was records tapes and CDs had that long cardboard box thing that it came
with because they didn't they were afraid you were gonna because people
just taking them and shoving them down their pants and stealing them you know
because they were like 1799 a piece.
Those fucking assholes in the music business.
Anyway, and then to the right was like all these appliances.
And the thing about it was even if you had to buy an appliance, as much as like your dad was bitching cause you had to spend money,
an appliance as much as like your dad was bitching because you had to spend money.
There was an excitement that, oh, we're getting a new appliance and we're going to turn it on and it's going to work.
You know, there was like little things like that were exciting back then, you
know, and then you had, uh,
the TV section and you just go down there and you look at the TV,
look at the size of this one.
And what was funny was when you were talking about the size, it had less to do with the
screen, but all the fucking wood around it.
I mean, some of those fucking expensive TVs, I mean, you literally needed like two fucking
like defensive tackles to bring it into your house.
I mean, they were like, like no one, no one ever stole a TV that fucking big.
It was like moving a safe. It was like this fucking thing, it's too heavy. We gotta break into this
thing. And then towards the back, they would always have like some stereo hi-fi area. And if you sold stereos you had there was always like a cool guy
Selling the stereo, you know, and he was like the macho man. He had a shirt on button a little bit hairy chest a mustache
Just a cool fucking dude selling these speakers and all of this shit
He knew all of this stuff about sound and what was awesome is everyone would go down there looking at it and the overall vibe was,
do you realize the level of pussy you're gonna get
when you get some speakers this big
connected to this fucking system?
And then they would be playing like
whatever music they wanted to play.
Like nowadays, you know,
even if they still had stereos and shit like that,
the corporate guys would try to control
Not too aggressive. You can play this track off of this fucking they played whatever the fuck they wanted to play
It was all they were like sort of like their own DJs it was fucking amazing
Anyway, but I gotta go to the airport
Anyway, but I gotta go to the airport.
I'm actually, I'm so fucking excited. I am in Yellow Springs, Ohio,
performing at Dave Chappelle's comedy club.
I still have to do Joe Rogan's.
It fucking hasn't worked out.
I was holding off to do that
For when old dads came out so I could go out there do his club which I've been to and done a spot at Which is fucking amazing
Underrated when a comedian designs a comedy club
um
So, uh anyways, I was gonna go out there when old dads was coming out and then there was the strike
and I was kept hoping that the fucking strike was gonna end and
Of course it didn't it ended like fucking two weeks after so
Because Joe doesn't live right up the street again and his podcast is so fucking gigantic. It's like
I is so fucking gigantic. It's like, um,
I try to do it now, like when I have some sort of project coming out so I can take advantage of the
podcast asset. Um,
you know, I got the kids and shit, so I try not to leave or whatever,
but I have to do his club. It's been,
it's been bothering me that I haven't been out there yet.
So I'm going to make that fucking happen too. Um, so anyways,
thank you to everybody, um, that's coming out to the show, uh, this week.
Um, I got to do some shows out in yellow spring during the pandemic when Dave was
having shows out in this field, this cow pasture,
which is one of the amazing most amazing gigs I've had.
And it actually really helped me as a comedian because it was the first
yonder bag show I did where nobody had cell phones. And I didn't realize how much the whole me too,
you also, time's up, my turn, whatever the, you know, all of those branch offs of all of that
shit, which just basically, it just somehow just got so wildly out of control. It went from literally Harvey Weinstein,
who was fucking raping people to, I don't like the subject of your standup act seven minutes in,
you know, and I didn't realize how much I was thinking about that when I was on stage.
I was still talking about what I was wanted to talk about, but there was a part of me
that I would say something and then I would think, oh my God, did somebody film that?
What if they just take that line?
And I would be thinking that as I was moving on to my next joke, which was obviously affecting
it.
And then I did his thing and I remembered what standup was before these fucking lunatics
on the left were beginning to start like getting into censorship.
I guess sexual assault and censorship both start with the same sound so they didn't think that they were getting out of control.
It got really weird. But anyway, so I did that.
And it was this amazing feeling of remembering and freedom and then anger of going like, holy shit, like what the fuck is happening to stand up right now?
And ever since then, I've just like, I'm just going to say what I'm going to go back to
acting like everything is in a bag.
But I still think about it every single time.
I did a show recently.
What the fuck was I?
All these benefits and stuff, you know, you do benefits and people film they like it's just standing there filming you and it's just like
Could you not do that, please?
And then lose my phone is my experience do they just don't give a fuck so
It is what it is. Anyways, I don't go down that thing now. Now this has been the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Thank you so much for listening.
Enjoy the baseball, the NHL playoffs,
NBA playoffs are coming up
and check out that Steve Martin doc.
It is fucking amazing on Apple.
All right guys, enjoy the music picked up
by the always amazing Andrew Themelis
and then enjoy a bonus episode of Thursday
afternoon just before Friday.
Monday morning podcast. So Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday,
April 4th, 2016. How's it going? How are you? I am in Ottawa, Canada right now. Oh Canada, it's fucking freezing here. Every time I come, my nostrils stick together.
Yeah, we did fucking, I almost said Wichita. I don't know what the fuck the name of the place, Windsor. We did Windsor, me, Verzi, and fucking Joey B., Joe Bartnik.
We did Windsor the first day.
I don't even know what day that is yet. Friday.
We did it on Friday.
And I brought this little fucking bitchy coat.
You know, Nia calls it the Kleenex coat.
It's just a sel you know those little ones?
Remember in the 70s when they had the big puffy coats?
Well they're still making the puffy coats.
They're not just like, they're like little ones.
You know what I mean?
They look like little, you know like you go to a rib shack
and you open a little thing and they give you
a little moist little towelette.
Looks like there's a bunch of those sewn into the coat.
You know the thing. You know what the fuck coat I'm talking
about. One of those little north face numbers. So I got that in a hoodie because I looked
at the fucking forecast and it said that it's going to be like 50 degrees. And that coat's
good down to 40 so I thought I was fine. And I was fine.
I was snug like a little bug in the rug for the first...
Was it two days?
When the hell was I the second day?
Oh, the second day I was at Casino Rama.
That's right.
That's when I started the snow and that's when I started questioning my jacket game, as the young kids say.
My jacket game was not on point, however.
By the way, I didn't bring any of my fucking podcast equipment because,
you know, this trip is a motherfucker. All right? This is one of these, it's known in my business as a thrash.
All right? Sometimes you go on the road, it's known in my business as a thrash.
Sometimes you go on the road, it's a fucking cakewalk. Whatever the fuck that means.
What is a cakewalk?
I know I've never even looked that up.
Is there a certain kind of way you walk
when you're fucking carrying a cake?
Maybe that's what it is.
Sorry if I'm fucking, the levels are too high here.
Just trying to talk to my recorder like a microphone.
That's gonna be my guess.
Is that when you have a fucking cake, you know,
if you have a cake, you're gonna be walking
a little gingerly, no offense to me, right?
So you're walking a little lightly with it, maybe?
You know what you're walking like?
You're walking like Paul Verzi when he puts on his fucking Jordan 4s for the first time.
You should have seen him walking down the casino.
He was walking like on his heels, because he didn't want to crease him.
I got to tell you something.
I don't fucking understand people who fucking stand in line and then stab each other over
a fucking pair of sneakers.
I just really, dude, did you see they got the new Jordan 3s around?
Dude, they're fucking crazy.
The new Jordan 3s are fucking crazy. I swear to God, they all look like nurse shoes to me.
Big, stupid, bulky looking fucking things. I think I have a pair of Jordan ones. I like the colors
I never liked those fucking with things either when they came out and they were red and black
I thought those were the ugliest fucking things ever. I told you before I'm
Part of the back in the day. I like those Bruce Jenner
To cathol on shoes
You know this simple pair with fucking three stripes on the side I was
cool with sneakers right through towards the end of the 80s when they started
having like the fucking Bo Jackson the neon Dion fucking remember that neon
green and neon pink those fucking sunglasses the second it went into that
shit those pastel colors and the stupid fucking Reebok pump.
Oh, maybe if I put some more air in my sneakers, I won't have white guy legs.
The Reebok pumps were as stupid as Batman versus Superman.
There.
All right.
Okay, Shirley.
Here we go.
There's Cakewalk.
Shirley, you've heard the term Cakewalk.
Did somebody write a whole fucking article on this?
Good Lord, cut to the fucking chase.
All right, I'll read this as fast as I can.
Surely you've heard the term cakewalk
used to describe some sort of challenge or task
that is reckoned to be pitifully easy.
Surely you have, will you stop saying,
now stop calling me Shirley.
Surely you have, please, please don't lie.
Good Lord, who fucking wrote this?
The figure of definition has been around since the early 19th century as long as
the literal one. In fact, it appeared in print.
But did you know that the term is actually pretty racist, racist, racist, racist?
I'll bet you didn't.
What the fuck is wrong with this idiot who... This is such a classic,
you know, if you actually had to get a real job writing, you wouldn't have one.
You know, everybody on the internet fancies themselves like they're some sort of
journalist.
You know, when they're writing. This is just you just fucking right now no it's like acting in a web series
and you're upset you didn't get nominated for a fucking Oscar nor did I
okay did you know it was pretty racist I'll bet you. What, because you don't know some shit?
And that means everybody else doesn't? You fucking cunt. I mean, I didn't know it,
but I'm a moron. I really don't like this person. He said, nor did I. Okay, that's
the first humble thing this person said. Maybe he can come around. Maybe I was
wrong. I still don't think I could drive cross-country with this person. Nor did I
until I looked into the origin of the term and found out it had roots in the,
I don't know how to say this word, antebellum south of the early 19th century.
Can you just tell me what the fuck it means?
How it started.
During this era of firmly entrenched slavery in the states, the cakewalk was a dance event where slaves
were invited to dress up in the fine clothes and took on the heirs of the white aristocracy.
Oh, so this is like when the Wayans brothers did White Chicks. What do they do? Is this
like the first Def Jam comedy? They started doing the white guy voice.
I said, get out in the field and do the work that I should be doing.
And everybody starts flipping out, dying laughing.
The next slave coming to the stage!
Um, alright, they were held in the plantation home.
In the same rooms where the resplendent balls were held.
Among white society. Oh my god, how much of those people fucking stink back then.
Putting on all those extra layers of clothes.
No such thing as deodorant, right?
That's one of those things where you wash yourself in the same fucking trough the goddamn horses drank out of.
The cakewalk was similar. It was a ball held for the slaves.
Oh, so this is their Christmas party.
I didn't know they did that.
I didn't see that in roots.
You know, it wasn't all bad.
Every once in a while they had like a company party after 364 and a half days
of absolute horror than they would.
They'd let them in the house.
Yeah.
Hey, sorry about all that other shit.
Would you like some pumpernickel?
The wife just made it.
Oh, let's get them out of the house.
They seem to be a little restless.
It's fucking nuts.
Oh, what an ugly period.
The cake, like, you know, like it's not an ugly period now, but you know, it's less ugly.
All right, let's continue.
Okay, the cake walk was similar.
It was a ball held for the slaves. Couples promoted,
promenaded, sorry, through the ballroom, bowing deeply and frequently.
Chins and noses held highly aloft. If you're going to tell me they finally
gave them a fucking party and they still were assholes about it,
the couple who performed the best interpretation of how the white folks did it won a cake baked
one imagines by a slave.
I didn't imagine that. Stop putting words in my mouth.
I would figure the white people after all that fucking time, yeah, you know what?
Ah, consider we ruined their fucking lives.
I think we can make them a cake once a year,
but we're only giving it to one of them.
Jesus Christ, every time you think you've found
the depths of how evil that shit was,
you find another layer.
Oh my God, another layer, just like a cake.
Jesus, I'm an artist this morning.
All right, the cake walk looks similar,
but it was also very different.
Its intent was to emulate white society
in order to mock it.
Oh, Jesus, there's a dangerous fucking game.
Yeah, I told you this is like the first Def Jam comedy.
In much the same way as,
oh, Jesus Christ, Saturnalia,
the ancient Rome winter solstice festival.
Oh yeah, exactly.
Much in the same fucking way.
Where the rules of social order were turned upside down and the slaves and laborers became
the rulers and masters attended, attend their servants.
Oh, they did this in Rome. This is just all fucking weird.
Can you imagine the tension during that? So then the masters fucking tended to the
slaves and you know the slaves wanted to be just as fucking mean but then they
were like well we got to kind of alligator arm this shit because it goes
back to the regular way tomorrow.
And then I would think the master be like, all right, you want me to wade into that sea
of hatred towards me?
Um, just keep an eye on me, please.
Stay tight.
Okay.
While you itch the left side of my nose, that means I'm fearing for my life. The slaves involved did indeed mock the ridiculously refined customs of the
aristocracy.
Yes, and they surely meant it.
But during the cakewalk, they were allowed to mock them.
And by ruling over even the very event that should undermine his authority, the
plantation owners managed to assert his authority, the plantation owners manage
to assert his authority.
You know something, I was in such a fucking good mood.
I hate this shit.
It's a fucking cakewalk.
Well, you know what, it already clicked off, so how does that mean it's easy?
What does that mean?
It's a cheap laugh? You know what, I I gotta go back. I just closed the fucking window. I gotta go back and...
So how the fuck did that become... that does not sound easy to me.
Being a slave all year and then doing one... you get to do one fucking day where you get to make fun of the master.
It's not a cakewalk. It's fucking difficult, right?
All right, as if its roots in slavery don't make the cakewalk racially charged enough,
it transitioned in the minstrel show.
How did it transition into being something easy?
Of the Jim Crow era, or even worse.
Gone was even the power allotted to the slaves by the mock and jest of the
original cakewalk.
In stage reproductions of the balls, white performers in blackface performed as blacks,
who made sincere, clumsy attempts at emulating whites out of a desire to be like them, not
to undermine them.
Oh, okay.
And then it became that.
I still don't understand
why it's easy. The original cakewalk walks being local affairs held. You know what? Fuck
the fucking internet. All right. Can I fast forward to this? I've got to use the word apparently. There's no other word alternative
comics like to use more than that. Apparently. All right. Clumsy attempts of blah blah blah.
The original cakewalks were being local affairs held in the confines of the Southern plantation
the minstrel shows traveling. As a matter of course, it was later interpretation that became defined the concept of the rest of the
country and the world and what you could describe perhaps is a deep desire to stop being so
incredibly racist. America's society as a whole abandoned the racial basis of the cakewalk in
favor of it simply describing something so easy that just walking could yield the reward of a cake.
There it is.
The definition is still vaguely racist.
It isn't racist. If you think the definition means it's gonna be easy,
you're not even being remotely vaguely racist,
you just don't know the history, right?
Yeah, Jesus Christ.
All right, well that was fucking depressing.
Well, fortunately, I'm up here in Canada where, you know, they have all the angelic white people.
According to Michael Moore, you know, up here they're all a bunch of angels and nobody has to lock their doors.
Which of course we don't know, it's true.
Generally speaking, people don't get along with one another.
Alright, so that was an excruciating 15 minutes.
I don't know how you guys enjoyed it.
So anyways, how the fuck did I get onto that shit?
Oh, because yeah, I thought the whole, um, I thought the, uh, I thought this
whole trip was going to be a muffin dance. How about
that? Can I say something like that? I thought it was gonna be a little muffin dance. Did
you know that the origins of muffin dance? You actually are pro domestic violence. I
bet you didn't. Surely you've heard the term muffin dance before.
Please, please, please don't tell me you have not.
The origin of muffin dance comes from the early 1900s.
When women, when they asked, can we vote too, were forced to show their clams and dance out of the
voting booths as people threw desserts at them. This became known as the muffin dance,
because clam indicated that their pussy stunk and turned men off.
Later in 1929, the great-great-grandson of Abraham Lincoln said, I cannot tell a lie,
some of these bitches' clams do stink, but there's no reason to make them do a muffin
dance.
They should be allowed to vote too.
And all the guys said, yeah, you know what, you're right.
And everybody had muffins.
So next time you use the term muffin dance,
just know that you're being vaguely sexist.
Alright, I'm sorry.
Why am I doing this?
Why am I talking like this?
Why am I sitting here in this fucking freezing cold hotel room?
I can't find where the fucking heat is.
I'm staying in one of these red rum, which is one of those, you know,
I like old shit to a point. You know, I like, I thought I liked having an old house until
I fucking had to deal with all the bullshit. I had one in an old house. Old hotels, I kind
of like, I love the lobbies, but the second you fucking go up to your room,
you start walking down the hall, you know, you feel like you should be riding a big wheel
and you're going to come around the corner and those two creepy fucking chicks are going
to be standing there.
God damn it, that fucking movie freaked me out.
That movie's still, it's still disturbing.
That's just a disturbing fucking movie.
It's not the fact that he goes completely fucking insane.
It's just as a comedian watching a man suffering through writer's block like that and having
that woman coming up whose face is shaped like a fucking parking meter asking you how
it's going every fucking 20 minutes.
I love how they blame the fucking hotel rather than that, you know, what I would say, she
means well, you know.
They just were a bad couple.
I think that that's what it was.
And when they were down in society, they could go to events and they could sort of water
down their awful relationship by interacting with others. And then once they just got, you know, once they would just stay in there at the fucking
hotel for the whole goddamn winter.
I don't understand why they had to be there to watch it.
You know what I mean?
Like what are you going to be doing up there?
I mean, the level with which that it's going to fucking snow, no asshole is going to go
up there and vandalize the place.
If they come there, it's because they need shelter.
There was really no reason for it.
And that was also a vaguely racist movie, wasn't it?
Saying that reverse racist, that white people will be like, oh yeah, oh, the fucking snow's 50
feet in the fucking air.
Oh yeah, I gotta write a book.
Yeah, why don't I fucking go up there?
I'll hang out there and I'll do my own room service every fucking day.
I'll stay in room fucking 706 and every day I'll take a fucking elevator all the way downstairs to the kitchen.
Who the fuck would sign up for that?
If he didn't have any sympathy for him.
You know?
I'm just fucking with you.
I think it's a great movie.
I'm just in a grumpy goddamn mood because today I got a drive from fucking Ottawa all
the way up to Sudbury and then right after the show I got a, my travels all fucked up, I got a drive over
to fucking Detroit, which is like a fucking eight hour drive.
You know, takes me back to the days when I was doing college gigs and I remember one
time I had this gig in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, right?
Some fucking town up there that began with an H, all right? So like an asshole, I'm like, all right, I'm in Michigan.
And I didn't look on the map to see where,
to see where, you know, basically the fucking college was at.
And I just flew right into Detroit.
And then I realized that the upper peninsula as actually it's sort of, you
know, it's the Dick of Wisconsin.
I should have flown into Milwaukee and driven up, but I didn't.
I flew into Detroit.
And I had to go drive all the way up the whole fucking state.
It was pretty cool,
because I got to drive over whatever bridge that is,
the Mackinac Bridge or whatever the fuck it is.
I'm trying to look it up right now.
But I can't remember the name of the fucking,
I think it was Marquette.
Oh, we started beginning with an H, maybe I was thinking Lake Huron. I I think it was Marquette. I always thought it began with an H.
Maybe I was thinking Lake Huron.
I think it was in Marquette.
I did a fucking gig up there, yeah.
And I had like a, I forget what time my flight was,
but I had to basically, it was an early morning flight
in Detroit, it was like a fucking eight hour drive
or some shit, seven hour drive.
And the show didn't start till nine. I was done at 10 o'clock and I had like a 6 or 7 a.m. flight I
can't remember I just I was just like you know I good night everybody and I
jumped in my fucking car and just drove like a fucking lunatic after already
having done the drive drove all the back, just like nodding off, almost falling asleep.
It was one of the dumbest things I ever did.
Just trying to save like the fucking $50 change fee or some shit like that.
So, you would think that I would learn from that.
Not old freckles, but this time we actually have,
I got like Bartek and Verzi to help me with the fucking drive.
Oh my God, dude, Sudbury is, yeah, it's as high up as fucking
the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. What a fucking asshole. For some reason they're going, yeah, there's really no airports around here. I don't know why we didn't just take a couple
of puddle jumpers there. I have no fucking, oh I know why, I know why.
Initially I was picking up a rental car in Detroit
and I was gonna drive this whole thing
and then at the last second they're like,
you know, it's a pretty long fucking drive.
So I said, all right, well we'll fly most of it
and then we'll do the thing, you know.
Then we'll get the rental car.
We'll get the rental car in fucking Ottawa,
blah, blah, blah, we'll do it one way.
But then I was still leaving out of Detroit.
This is so fucking stupid.
Oh, this is gonna suck.
But anyways, what will be cool is tonight
I'm playing a small hockey arena.
And it's gonna be great.
It's gonna be a fucking good time.
I played one of those last night here in Ottawa.
The Ottawa Philic Center.
Whatever the fuck it was called.
Anyways, this isn't what the fuck I want to talk about.
I need something else I want to talk about.
But I got to read the fucking advertising here.
I know this podcast is all over the place, okay?
I can't say it's a fucking cakewalk anymore.
Can't say a cakewalk anymore because now I know it's fucking racist.
Alright?
Well, actually, I can't say it to you guys, but I could say it somewhere else.
You know what, who's kidding who?
I'm gonna say it.
I'm gonna say it because I've been saying it
my whole fucking life.
You know?
It's just gonna come, that's how you become an old person.
Where someone's going like, Grandpa!
Do you know the origin of that?
Oh, shut up, you first year freshman.
Alright? You fucking cunts, I've
been around 80 years. Stop breaking my balls. If I'm going to say 23 speed, oh god damn
it I'm going to say it. You know, you almost kill your fucking grandfather trying to get
him to stop saying something. Alright, let me get to the advertising here. By the way,
if you ever skate the canal out here, I've always been afraid to do it, you know.
I've done it, but I was nervous when I did it.
I just kept thinking about the omen,
like I was going to fall through,
and everyone's going to be hacking at the ice
trying to get me out again.
The canal's only a foot deep, you know.
It's really no big deal.
So, the worst thing that could happen
is you could get severe frostbite,
and they have to remove both your feet
like in that movie misery
Well in the movie she just fucking breaks his ankles in the book she cuts off his fucking feet I
Love when they do shit like that. It's just like okay, so you've severed a major artery and this guy somehow doesn't bleed out in the bed
Because let me guess you tied your fucking belt around his calf? Does that even work, by the way?
If somebody fucking...
Did you see the fucking redneck
that blew his goddamn leg off?
Oh my God.
There's this new fucking thing that rednecks are doing,
because they just love shooting stuff and blowing stuff up.
And as much as people, you know,
who don't have their own spread,
living in the middle of nowhere,
judge them, somewhere in the back of your head,
you know it's fun.
You know, riding around on a fucking four wheeler,
shooting a gun on your own fucking property, you know?
It's gotta feel great.
That's a level of freedom that I've never heard, I've never felt, you know? It's gotta feel great. That's a level of freedom that I've never heard,
I've never felt, you know?
I live in a city where there's noise ordinances, you know?
Which basically, noise on my property should not carry over.
Like you can basically call the cops
if somebody's splashing around in their pool too loud.
He's mocking the fact I don't have one.
The cops go over and then they just start beating people, right? Or air quote, getting the situation under control.
Ah, Christ, what the fuck was I just talking about?
Oh yeah, riding around.
You know, so I watched this new thing that they do.
They take this, some sort of explosives, and they put it in these old cars,
and then hopefully they stand far enough away,
and the fucking thing blows up.
Well this fucking guy,
all right, redneck blows,
look at this shit, right here it goes.
Redneck blows himself up, blows blows up house blows himself up in a
bonfire blows up pigs almost blows his head off this is such redneck stuff
stupid redneck blows himself up fire blows up motor blows up. Fucking rednecks are crazy. Blows leg off. Let's see, where
is it? Come on. All right, yep, an American gun enthusiast. You had to throw American
in there? American, Georgia man loses leg after explosive filled lawn mower.
I will link you this.
You don't see his leg blow off his body, but this guy basically, it's called, I hope I
say it right, Tannerite.
It's some sort of explosive.
And the new thing that these rednecks do is they fucking, you put it in whatever vehicle.
It's really what's going on here is these rednecks are starting to be a little more
classy.
After all these fucking years of having a car die, they just leave it on their front
lawn.
Now they're getting rid of it.
They're blowing them up.
So they put this tanner right over the fuck you say, it's just explosive.
And there's some sort of formula, like basically forever for every such and such
amount, you need to be like a hundred feet back.
All right.
So let's say whatever, whatever.
We'll just say this guy's if he's got a handful of this fucking tanner, oh
God, we're doing math now, Bill.
All right. just say this guy's if he's got a handful of this fucking tanner oh god we're doing math now bill all right and he need he basically needed to be about like i don't know 500 feet back and he was
40 feet away from this lawnmower and he fucking shoots the shit right he fucking shoots it and uh
he blows the fucking thing up, right?
Listen to this shit.
Listen to this shit.
Somebody had to do their fucking DJ remix of it.
Anyways, he's shooting it, and he's shooting the lawn mower shit.
All of a sudden it fucking blows up, and then he's on the ground.
You can't see anything.
The camera's pointing at the ground, and you just hear, you just, you can't see anything. You just, the camera's pointing at the ground, you just hear him go, I blew my leg off.
Fucking unbelievable.
I'm amazed that he could actually say that.
I would just be staring at the stump going, ah.
I mean, what, oh my God, he's got to tell that story
for the rest of, at what point does that,
can he laugh along with everybody else?
You know? I bet he's considered like a tragic figure now in the redneck community.
You know, like, he'll probably, you know, at the next cross burning, they let him light it.
He hobbles up and everybody gives him a round of applause. Like they're all fucking sad.
Like what happened to him with some sort of a terrorist act rather
than self-imposed fucking stupidity.
Jesus Christ.
You know, I feel bad for the guy, but who the fuck are you doing?
Shooting a goddamn gun at dynamite, basically, whatever the fuck it is,
in a goddamn lawnmower that's the fucking blade alone the shrapnel from that I
gotta look this shit up top 10 dumb ways to die.
All right, we'll go with that, to die.
All right, let me hear your March Madness brackets.
Top 10 dumb ways to die.
There's always the opening the elevator doors
before the elevator gets there and not looking
and then stepping in and falling to your death.
Playing with guns.
I don't fucking know.
Top 10 dumbest ways to die.
Here we go.
All right.
Starving in a supermarket.
I didn't want to read that one.
Diving off a cliff but survive but die of
shock from the high price of your hospital bill. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh Jesus. I don't
need hacky jokes. I have plenty of those. Come on. Ten absolute dumbest ways to die. Alright, I don't know if this is all going to be clickbait horse shit.
Okay, you know what?
Go fuck yourself.
You guys should be dying right now waiting for me to read this.
Trying to kiss a reflection of the moon in a lake.
Alright, somebody died doing that.
And then I got to click another page, you know what I mean?
What, so you can have advertising on every fucking page and somehow you can fucking afford
Twinkies
this month.
Go fuck yourself.
All right, so anyways, let's talk about the tour here.
So the first day we were in Windsor, right across from Detroit, and it was awesome.
I stayed at this great hotel and you could look right across the, uh,
whatever the fuck it was. I guess it is in Lake Erie, is it?
Is it just a river?
I don't know what the fuck you call it.
Is it a sound?
Oh, the Detroit river.
And you see beautiful downtown Detroit.
Detroit never looks more beautiful when you're not in Detroit, when you're across
the fucking river looking at it from Windsor.
And I just kept asking a bunch of people, like, because I'm going to invest, I'm going
to buy something in Detroit.
I'm going to do it, god damn it.
You know?
Invest back in America.
I think I totally believe in that city.
I know it's going to come back.
And I was asking people where to fucking invest and they were just all laughing.
Like about 40 miles north, like nobody believes in it, which is what's making people where to fucking invest and they were just all laughing and like about 40 miles north
Like nobody believes in it, which is what's making me want to fucking buy there even more
You know it's fucking dirt goddamn cheap. It's gonna come back at some point. It has to come back
Sit right there on the river
I know the fucking Cleveland Cavaliers guy bought up a bunch of fucking skyscrapers there. That's got to, you know, he put like the people from Google in one
of them. I have no idea. But the shit is so cheap there. I don't, I don't get how you
fucking lose. And I like the idea. You go in there, right? You fix the fucking place
up that you buy and then you don't kick the people out there living there. And then they got a nice place to live.
Right?
Maybe that gets them in a better mood.
Slowly but surely you just start turning it around.
I think any American, right,
what we should do with these fucking cities,
because God knows the government's not going to do anything.
I don't think they can because they're bitches
to the fucking Federal Reserve bankers, right?
They don't have any fucking money.
They're robbing Peter to pay Paul.
So I think with whatever money they let us keep, we ought to just start fucking,
you know, buying up some shit in Detroit.
Turn it around.
Don't kick the people out.
Get it going again.
Maybe then they can start making American cars right again.
Maybe then they can start making American cars right again. Start fucking with the BMWs, the Audis, and it's a fucking travesty that we don't really
have anything that can fuck with those cars.
The fact that they're going to allocate around the base level Cadillac, the base level Lincoln
Continental, all right, are going to pale in comparison to what those maniacs in Germany
are doing.
I mean, I don't understand why, you know, we can fucking do it.
I guess Buicks are selling like fucking hotcakes.
Is that a racist thing? Anything with cakes in it, I think is racist.
Hotcakes, back in the day when they were actually, every 10 years,
let a slave have a birthday, one of the things the slave owners would do was actually
heat up the cake so it would burn,
it burned their mouths because they were that evil.
Here's another chapter of white evil
that you didn't know existed.
Selling like hotcakes.
I guess hotcakes were pancakes back in the day.
And you know goddamn well, you know,
having pancakes must have been a fucking treat,
because I remember back when you read the Tom Sawyer book,
right, Uncle Barry Finn,
fucking kids painting a fence just to get an apple,
like that was considered like a treat,
because all day long you were just sitting around
eating fucking, I don't know, chewing on shrubs,
I don't know what the fuck you were doing.
So anyways, I want to buy there, man. I want to buy something there.
And, uh, not become the fucking evil person that boots the people out that are in there.
He just fixed the fucking place up. Gives us shit.
You know?
Once, of course, the people in there then fuck the whole place up, then I would be upset.
You know how much that plaster cost?
I was trying to do something nice.
Um, whatever.
Eventually I'm going to look into that.
So we did Windsor, and we had a great time, and Verzi was there, so of course I smoked a cigar.
So you know I only do two cigars a month now.
So last month I only smoked one. February I had two and a half because we started to smoke one
and it wasn't smoking well and we had got halfway through
and like this fucking cigar sucks.
So I actually smoked two and a half.
So I smoked two in January.
And I feel like the fucking rain man right now.
So then four and a half, five and a half.
So I'm actually half a cigar under my goal for this year.
So April 1st, I already smoked a cigar, so now I can only have one more, or technically
one and a half more, but I'm actually going to try to get down to one a month.
And to be honest with you, I'd kind of like to go all the way to my birthday in June and
not smoke another one.
All right? Oh, God damn it, I enjoy them. I enjoy the fucking lifestyle. day in June and not smoke another one. Alright?
Oh god damn it, I enjoy them.
I enjoy the fucking lifestyle.
I enjoy the whole fucking thing about it.
I love going in, I love picking them out.
I love the excitement, I love the smell,
I love the old fucking chairs you sit there.
I love that there's no fucking young people there, you know?
And by young people I mean anybody 39 and younger.
You just don't run into them, you know.
Everybody's just chilling the fuck out.
Smoking a cigar, I don't care what kind of a maniac you are, all these fucking kids that
they put on Ritalin and all this type of shit, you just give these kids a cigar.
Say to them, sit down, puff, you know, next thing you know.
You just, you're thinking about, you're just thinking about how great life is. There's something about smoking a cigar, that's all you're just not thinking about, how great life is.
There's something about smoking a cigar.
That's all you're just thinking about.
How great it is.
How great it is that you can enjoy the fucking day.
You start planning your retirement.
How the fuck are you going to get out of this bullshit?
So you can just sit around in whatever zen you've somehow come into.
I mean, I swear to God, if cigarettes make you feel like that, I understand
why people do that shit.
It's funny, you know, non-smokers like myself, you know, I actually am a smoker now with
the fucking cigars, but, you know, he used to always look down on those fucking people
that smoke cigarettes, they were huddled outside and all that shit.
You know?
I don't know, maybe they know something I don't. I'm not advocating
smoking. I don't know what I'm saying. By the way, Canada, Windsor Airport, Jesus Christ,
what a fucking gem that is. I love small airports. There's nothing better than that.
Little ass fucking airport. Then when I went to Toronto, we flew over the propeller
plane, Jesus Christ, if you saw Verzi walking to that, he's
one of those guys, I don't look.
If he sees propellers, he feels like he's riding in like
a Model T Ford.
I always just say to myself, oh, it's going to fly better.
Well, we have much less of a chance
because there's less working parts here
for something to go bad, you know?
I don't know, that's what I tell myself.
So anyways, we went to Toronto,
we didn't fly into their nightmare fucking airport.
We flew to the Toronto Islands, which I'd never heard of.
There's a fucking little ass airport there.
We get picked up and we took a little ferry
You know, it's fucking hilarious across the Western Channel
It literally like we started to go and I started videotaping it and by the time I pan from out my side window
To the front window. We had already gotten across it you get across it in like 30 seconds
Or they have a tunnel you can walk underneath the Western Channel. We did that on the way back.
It was a nice little ass airport.
After all these years of traveling, I love a little mom and pop airport.
Get in, get the fuck out.
It's hilarious. You show up, they still have the old school metal detectors
so you don't have to go through that fucking
radiation shower that for some reason I
Just don't understand that so to stop terrorism. You're gonna give all of your countrymen cancer
Well if we fucking kill everybody who they gonna blow up
So anyways how far into this fucking thing? 44 minutes.
Anyways, but these shows cannot have been going any better. And I've been working my ass off in Los Angeles
for a reason that I'm not allowed to say yet,
for whatever fucking reason.
So I've been worried that I can't, you know,
I can't fucking do stand-up
as much as I'd like, but I've been doing a bunch of spots, like little 10-minute spots,
trying to stay sharp. I just do a little bit of my act. Even the jokes I hate, I'm like,
yeah, just fucking say it so you remember how it goes. And I could not be having more
fun up here, man, just having a fucking great time.
Just figuring out my act.
I even figured out this new way to trash women that isn't as fucking mean as I used to do
it, but I still get to make the same points so I just don't come off as a complete fucking
lunatic all the time.
I don't want to be that guy.
You know what I mean?
You know what's funny?
I have a poster for this tour, the Plowin' Ahead Tour.
And it was an old Telly Savalas movie poster.
And I spent all this money having this guy do the whole
thing up, and we had the whole fucking tagline on it.
It looks like an action movie, like I'm sitting there.
But Telly Saval he was holding a gun.
I'm holding a microphone.
We both are bald headed, right?
And he had a casino all that shit.
I have like a helicopter and all this dumb shit that I'm fucking into.
So it looks like this action movie.
Then we had all this fucking just, you know, silly shit.
Like they tried internet porn, they fished out the oceans, but nothing could stop
the man with no answers. It was like this coming, supposed to be like this movie poster.
I don't think the casinos understood it. They took away all of the words, whatever the fuck
you call it, all the text. They took all of it away and they just have this standalone poster and now I just look like a magician.
Like, is he gonna come in a helicopter and make a truck disappear?
Like, it doesn't make any sense and I spent all this fucking money on it.
And most of them are just using my poster for my last tour.
You know, when I had what's left of my hair grown out in a beard so I don't even look the same.
It's just been a shit show.
Anyways, right now, sign up for Stamps.com
and use my last name Burr
for this special offer four week trial,
plus a $110 bonus that includes postage
and a digital scale.
Call to action verbatim.
Read this verbatim.
Don't wait, get started with Stamps.com today.
Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else.
Click on the microphone at the top of the home page
and type in burr, that's stamps.com, enter burr.
B-U-R-R, there you go, was that verbatim enough?
I'm such a control freak, I can't even handle people
who are giving me money, telling me what the fuck to do.
55 minutes, all right, this whole day is getting away from me.
I haven't even read any of the fucking questions.
I haven't even talked about the Bruins, how we're one point out.
We beat St. Louis and then we lost to Chicago.
I of course didn't see any games because I was fucking traveling.
You know it's funny, I had like five or six
cunt-y Chicago fans talking shit.
You know? It's so funny, last time we played
we beat them. I don't talk any shit. Do I talk any shit? No.
Right? I hate these fucking people, these
whack-a-mole fans that, you know, oh we kicked your ass today
and then they duck back down, nowhere to be found.
You know, when you fucking lose.
Like Chicago's going to do in the playoffs, you fucking goddamn cunts.
I actually like the Blackhawks and fans like that make me fucking rude against them.
So anyways, coming up this week, my Bruins, my beloved Bruins, all right, we are playing,
our next game.
Is, uh, where the fuck is it? I think we're playing to know we play Carolina.
I believe.
I think we play Carolina next, right?
I get the schedule right here.
Where is the schedule?
All right.
We play Carolina on Tuesday.
It's at the TD bank, North fucking Home Depot garden, whatever the fuck they're
calling it.
Carolina notoriously plays us tough.
They always match up well.
That's always a tough game.
And then we have Detroit, which is huge.
They're one point against ahead of us on Thursday.
And then our last game is against Ottawa on Saturday.
All right, so basically the two teams in front of us
are Detroit and Philly,
both one point ahead of us, I believe.
So the great thing is during this week,
Detroit and Philly play each other.
So, no, I think Philly's a few points ahead.
So I'm just rooting for Philly
to just win the rest of the way out, right?
I, at this point, I have to root against Detroit.
I don't have anything against Detroit
other than they're fucking Conti fans.
And they really are Conti fans, you know what I mean?
The funny thing about them is they don't realize
that their run is over and that it's now all about Chicago
and LA and they're wearing the crown, you know what I mean? For some reason Detroit is still living off fucking Iserman.
You know, I guess they won one last decade too, but actually they won two.
Yeah, but you can just see it. You can see it in Detroit. It's over.
You know? Something that I'm going to experience when Brady and Belichick are gone
and I'm going to be like, yeah, but where are the Patriots? It's like, yeah, but they're gone.
Yep.
Yeah, they're wearing the same uniform,
but it's not the same.
I'm fucking with you.
I actually love Detroit.
I love the franchise.
I don't like the fans.
You know?
And I've never been that way.
I like to think,
with all the success that,
you know, I only talk shit if people give me shit. That's how I try to be
You know, I don't try to act like because my teams are successful. That means somehow in my own personal life. I'm a success
Like some people do those you know what?
I'm really judging all Blackhawks and Red Wing fans by half a dozen people which isn't fair
so, you know what good luck to all of you and
I hope the Bruins fucking
pull it out and if we don't we got no one to blame but ourselves. Just fucking, good
lord, what a fucking season. Up down, up down, up down, up down. That's what the fucking
spend. Now I just need up for the last two, three, up. Just fucking nice three game winning
streak and no one will remember any of this shit dan shaughnessy is sitting there with the fucking hard
on being like I can finally write an article about hockey that I understand
somebody blew it oh yeah I can write this all fucking day all right let's
get to the questions and I gotta get the fuck out of here. All right. The All-Star Cafe. On
March 28th podcast, you briefly mentioned you were a regular muncher and Nia was a waitress.
The All-State, not the All-Star. For some reason he wrote All-Star up here, then All-State.
Before she got pink-slipped and now, and the now closed down closed down Allstate Cafe in the Upper West Side.
I thought your listeners might be intrigued to learn that your meeting place was also
a meeting place for a young teacher and her murderer in January of 1973 during a one-night
stand.
Murdering a partner guarantees there ain't no second night, right?
Jesus Christ, I didn't know that. The grotesque
multi-stabbing crime got so much infamous publicity that the pub changed its name from
the WM Tweeds to the Allstate. The murder inspired the book and subsequent movie starring
the then scantily clad Diane Keaton. Also apparently Kevin Bacon had once tended bar there too.
I wonder if they fired him also.
I didn't know that.
Jesus, that's fucking creepy.
I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that.
Not even remotely, but that type of shit is just scary.
By the way, I love hearing about history.
Even as much as I fucking that cakewalk thing,
I was trashing that guy, I like that type of shit.
All right, girlfriend bothered and annoyed by sexy TV show character.
Dear Billy Blankballs, my girlfriend and I were recently watching the new season of Dare
Devil and we're enjoying it. However, one character, Electra,
was introduced and she bothered the hell out of my girlfriend. For reference, Electra is
this character that is sexy, provocative, and an all-around badass ninja woman. Electra
is also like that weird sort of, isn't that mythology thing?
What is the, what is that weird fucking thing?
Isn't that what, I'm not even going to say it because if I'm wrong,
it has to do with some sort of creepy sexual relations within the family, doesn't it?
You know, daughter, father, and then the other one is son, mother, or the son kills the dad
or some shit.
It's just fucking weird.
When I see those types of stories, I actually start believing in Adam and Eve.
Well, yeah, there was just two people and they banged and then they had this incestuous
fucking horse shit for a couple of generations until we fucked ourselves up.
Maybe that did happen.
Maybe that's why Neanderthals and all, like, or whatever they are, the original cavemen, their heads were all fucked ourselves up. Maybe that did happen. Maybe that's why Neanderthals and all, like,
or whatever they are, the original cavemen,
their heads were all fucked up looking.
It's because everyone was related.
Who the fuck knows?
Anyways, she was a cool character,
but my girlfriend hated her.
I noticed that it wasn't anything against the character
since she couldn't tell me why she didn't like her
other than she just bothers her. Other people have told me that their girlfriend slash
wives are the same way with Electra when watching this show with their
significant other. I know it isn't just this character because any female that
is in a sexy badass role I've noticed women specifically ones with boyfriends
don't like. Is this just some kind of insecurity women have? Do they really dislike their boyfriend
seeing someone that may be sexier than them? Well, yeah, if you fucking put it that way,
they're going to be annoyed. Hey, honey, you know, I see that girl. Look how much sexier
she is than you. When she watches Fight Club, you know, does she say how fucking much better
of Brad Pitt's looking? Anyways, are they worried that this fictional TV character is going to steal me away from her?
I am wondering if I should say anything because quite frankly it's starting to get on my nerves.
She was rude against the character for no reasons besides the ones listed above.
I don't know if I would just make her more pissed off though.
Have you ever been in a situation like this?
Love the show and as always go fuck yourself.
Here's the thing.
One of the worst things you can do when you get into a relationship with a woman
is to start having your behavior be dictated by just trying to keep them in a good mood.
Alright? I'm not saying walk around and be an asshole, but if to keep them in a good mood. Alright?
I'm not saying walk around and be an asshole,
but if you're not being a fucking asshole
and they're just being moody fucking assholes,
like you gotta call them out on it.
Yeah, like, and this is another thing too.
You gotta treat them like adults
rather than treating them like children,
which is what a lot of guys do,
because physically we're stronger than them, so you feel like if you say anything to them, it's like you're yelling at a child.
You're not.
Not only is that an adult, in a lot of ways they're more advanced because they can't
beat the fuck out of you.
They have to go with their mental.
That's why they can just manipulate you like a fucking little puppet there, because they
can just play Jedi mind games because they're not gonna they from day one they're like all right this fucking
thing is gonna be stronger than me at some point so I need to learn how to
control it just using my brain right that's how you end end up holding
fucking yarn always kidding who no woman sows anymore right they barely even cook
so you end up at fucking brunch this is what you
got to say you just gonna just hit pause and just I would just be like what is
your problem with this character you're ruining this show for me okay if look at
look at daredevil he's got abs you see me acting like a fucking baby about this
you know if you don't
like the way you look go to the gym hit the once you be inspired by this fuck
there that's that's what I feel when I when I watch a superhero movie other than
I feel other than like a when the fuck is this dumb horse shit gonna be over
it always makes me feel like you know I gotta hit the gym I can literally sit
there and watch Thor,
who's probably a foot taller than me,
a thousand times better looking than I'm ever gonna be,
and all that dude does is make me want to go to the gym.
But then again, if you look at our roles,
like all I need to do is earn enough money
where I can get a Ferrari and a toupee,
and next thing you know, I can bang some whore
that's been in a fucking magazine.
And that's basically how it works if I drive the car in the right
part of the world right drive around the fucking French Riviera Jesus Christ you
have no idea what you're gonna be banging they don't have that option you
know what I mean they can't be like well I'm a six but you know if I start
making money I can go get myself a Brad Pitt. You can't, and you know what?
You can't blame society.
You gotta blame the good Lord for that one.
So maybe that's why.
Maybe that's why.
Because no matter what she does, she can't,
I don't know, I don't fucking know.
Ask her, but you know something, I wouldn't be on,
you know, if she's ruining your show,
you gotta call her out on it.
All right.
Okay, going bald.
Dear Billy Baldcap, I'm 24 and I'm going bald.
This runs in my family as both my grandfathers were bald
so I don't have any sort of identity crisis about it.
In fact, I'm leaning into it
and will joke about it when appropriate.
My question to you is when do I finally start
buzzing everything away?
The last thing I want to do is rock a George Costanza look, but would like to have a full
head of hair while I can before I look like I'm in denial.
No comb overs for this cunt.
My hair is thin but still covers everything on top, though my barber did crack more jokes
than usual at my expense last time I went to get a cut. No I didn't provide a picture because this
isn't a fucking Rogaine commercial. Given your experience I'd love to hear your input
on what when you pulled the trigger to buzz it all all the way and possibly the input
of the lovely Nia. Well Jesus Christ Christ, what am I, your fucking stylist?
Well, I think, you know, something, if your barber starts making jokes,
you know what I mean?
I feel like there's not enough time left on the clock for you to make a comeback.
That's basically like now you're lining up
and the dude across to you is talking shit about how they're moving on
to the next round of the playoffs and you're not,
so it sounds like it's already over.
You know?
I don't know dude.
What am I?
What kind of a fucking man asks another man a question like this?
Just fucking, you know, shave your fucking head or go get hair plugs or put Rogate on
it or dye it a different fucking cover.
I don't give a fuck what you do with it.
What is my experience?
My experience was when I was just sick of it.
I was sick of the slow death and I was just like, you know what, let's just put this thing
out of its misery.
And I got to tell you, it's not nearly as bad as everybody fucking thinks.
Who's kidding who?
Everybody would love to have a full head of hair.
But you know something?
I got to be honest with you.
Once you start buzzing your head, it's kind of fucking awesome.
You know what's great about having a shaved head?
You're always ready to go.
I got to tell you, as much as I would love to still have a full head of hair, I love the fact that I'm always ready to go.
All I gotta do is throw a shirt on, splash a little water on my face,
and you have no fucking idea that I was laying in my sweatpants five minutes earlier.
Oh, speaking of which, I'm just kidding. I always make sure I get ready.
You know, there was this fucking person, you know, I went out, you know,
I took some pictures
with people after the show.
And these fucking people that have, like this fucking guy comes up, I can already smell
him.
All right?
And then he goes to put his arm around me during the fucking picture.
And I'm telling you, like, literally, could make paint peel off the fucking picture and I'm telling you like literally could make paint
peel off the fucking walls was how bad this guy's body odor was. And he's with other people
and they don't smell. It's like why don't you say something to him? Because I'm not
going to say it. Okay? You paid money to see me, right? I gave you a show and then I come
out there and I take a picture and then I tell you you smell bad.
I wouldn't do that to somebody, but Jesus fucking Christ,
you know what's fucking hilarious about this person too?
I kept running into him.
And then this person just loved to tell a story
that somehow involved lifting his arms up
past his fucking shoulders.
Jesus fuck, man, I never noticed how much you lift
your arms during telling a story until I ran into this guy
fucking reeked.
Fucking reeked.
Just completely fucking unacceptable.
Well into his fucking 20s, and he's standing,
he's got a couple of friends with him who don't reek.
Oh my God, you know, wish, bad I wish I had one of those
old school fucking, you know, the spray on deodorant, and as he was telling the story, I'd be like, yeah, and just holding
my nose and I would just spray under one armpit.
No, keep telling the story and then spray under the other one.
And then I just hand him the can.
Do the math there, fuck oh!
All right, psycho girlfriend.
Um, all right, psycho girlfriend.
Alright, psycho girlfriend.
Where am I? Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been together
for about five years, and lately I've been feeling
the get engaged pressure from her family.
Well yeah, I'm 23 and she's 21.
Alright, let me rephrase that.
Well no, I thought you guys were older.
We've been together since high school and I haven't experienced much else Let me rephrase that. Well, no. I thought you guys were older.
We've been together since high school and I haven't experienced much else besides, of
course, the young middle school tug job girlfriends.
I'm afraid of someday regretting missing out on meeting a ton of different girls like all
my buddies have been.
I mean, you're only young once, right?
My girlfriend flips out on me about watching porn because I'm thinking
about other girls and she acts like I'm cheating on her. And half the time when we're out,
she thinks I'm checking out other girls. Because you probably are, dude, because you want to.
Because you want to break up with her, is what I'm guessing. She's a drop dead gorgeous
girl so I don't get what she's so insecure about. But like I said, she's crazy. She gets abusive with me and I just kind of sit there and take it all the time. She's Latina, by the way, Honduran
and Nicaraguan. She's got that wild temper. All right. Now, is that considered racist
to say that Latina chicks are a little crazier than what? Unlike what? Pasty, drunken Irish chicks?
Oh yeah, they're always so even keeled.
When I asked for space, I woke up the next day and my car was keyed.
She claimed she had nothing to do with it.
I love the girl. She's all I've ever known and she's amazing most of the time.
But I'm not sure if I can live like this forever with her temper and her jealousy. What would you do?
Anyways, love the podcast. Thanks for the advice and go fuck yourself PS. Good luck with the home gym. Everybody knows
You got no business in a regular. I go fuck yourself. I got no business in a regular gym
Oh when you do what you're sitting here and you're a fucking goddamn
you know something?
I actually had fucking,
I actually had sympathy for you,
and I was gonna give you some good advice.
You know what?
Go fuck yourself.
You know what your problem is in this thing?
You know, you're just, you're allowed to, you're young.
I'm not gonna be a dick to you, okay,
because you're young, this is the deal.
All right, you got yourself a hot girl. All right. And you did not set up the relationship. She
fucking rolled all over you. You're asking what I do in your situation. If I was 23, I'd be doing
what you were doing. I'd be staying in the relationship, wanting to get out and dealing
with this bullshit. But I can tell you this right now, her looks aren't always going to be there,
but she's always going to have keys.
You know what I mean?
So that's what you're signing up for.
The looks go out the fucking window.
You're marrying the fucking person.
And if this fucking lunatic, every time, you know,
God forbid your mailman is a fucking woman
who's younger than her at that point, you know.
I don't know. I don't know.
I can't use too wishy washy.
I can't tell whether you fucking want to be in it or not.
But I can tell you this right now.
Any woman keys your car, that's it.
It's fucking over.
Okay?
That is the level of being a complete fucking psycho a complete
disrespect for your own property and a sign that when she was a child she was
never told no. The fact that you would go out and do something like that.
Yeah. I don't know. It sounds to me like you want to go fucking get some notches
on your belt and you're afraid that if you do and you break up with this girl
that she's gonna fucking stab you. I don't know. I got claustrophobic reading
it if that means anything but I'm a fucking lunatic. Alright, sketchy ex-girlfriend.
Hey you cunty leprechaun. Jesus everybody's staring into the redhead shit
this week. Every once in a while I got gotta give you guys shit. Can you be a little more original?
I like that Billy blank ball, that was fucking funny.
58 fucking, you know,
fucking redhead jokes in a row.
I get it.
You know, I get it.
You don't have an hour's time, you can do a 10 minute set.
You're a showcase comic.
All right, hey you country leprechaun.
I am 16 years old and my girlfriend is 15.
Today she texted me, she texted me with a picture of a tattoo asking if I like it.
It is what? It is the date of her grandfather's death.
Personally, I hate tattoos and thinks if she keeps getting them, she will
look like a fucking phone book. I also think her mother is irresponsible, spelled with a bunch of E's. E-R-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E- What are your thoughts about this and how?
What's your thoughts about this and how she didn't tell me till after she got it. Thank you, and I love your shows and your podcast
Yeah, all right
She's 15. She already got her first tattoo. What you got to do is close your eyes and age her. When is she getting the face tattoo and the nose ring and the fucking Olympic fucking
rings in her ears to be different?
Yeah, I'm not into tattoos.
I think a certain type of person can pull it off and that's not 98% of the population but 98% of the population
for some reason has tattoos now.
I don't get it.
I feel like there's a certain level badass dude and a certain level badass chick that
gets tattoos and when you meet them it makes sense and it actually, you know, I don't know.
If I see a woman and she's a badass and she has tattoos,
it actually makes her more attractive to me.
If she's just some fucking dope, you know,
and she has like some advice column tattooed
on the back of her fucking neck
or some Chinese sign above her ass crack, you know,
symbol, then yeah, it's just like, Jesus Christ.
You know, like the amount of people out there that get sleeves.
Like back in the day when you got a sleeve, I mean, you were like some biker outlaw.
You know, now it's like you work at Urban Outfitters.
You know, the biggest badass thing about you is your fucking music selection on your fucking
iPhone.
I have no idea.
All I know is I got to get a rental car in 10 minutes.
If I don't, I'm going to be late to my show.
So this is the podcast for this week, the Monday morning podcast.
God bless all of you.
I love when you guys trash me in the fucking emails, but yeah, can we just keep it interesting
for the reader here?
I know I'm a redhead.
I know they're easy jokes, but come on.
What if I did that
with my stand up act? You know, would you come out and see me? If I was out there going,
what's the deal with New York and L.A.? All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on
you on Thursday. See you. So So
So So
So So So So So So Thanks for watching!