My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 698: Don't Piss on a Shark
Episode Date: February 12, 2024This might be the closest we’ve come to an actual argument, but we worked it out all for the sake of giving you our best advice. Of course, at least one brother is very wrong about peeing in the oce...an, the Dune vs Avatar debate, and breaking up via pizza. Suggested talking points: Bummed Out Popcorn Bucket, Glasses on, Hair Up, Men's Riddle Activist, We All Have Our Darude Within Us, Swingey Todd The Marsha P. Johnson Institute https://marshap.org/
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The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed.
Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.
Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.
What's up, you cool baby? One, two, three, four! It's the start of something beautiful
A small acquaintance has blossomed
It's rapping into a precious friendship
I could have never seen what was coming for me
Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach
My life, it feels like Life! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah's better with two, my legs are
It's better with you
Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother and me
and vice show for the modern era.
I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy.
What's poppin' Trav Nation?
It's Griffin, you here, the little guy.
What up, lovers?
It's your boy Travis McRoy.
What up, TravNavy?
And woof, woof, woof, woof!
I'm not even in the mood for a Valentine's Day.
Cause it's Valentine's Day, lovers.
I'm not even in the mood for a Valentine's Day.
Put your glasses back on.
I'm cleaning them.
No, I don't like that.
I was cleaning them for one brief moment
so that I could see my lovers.
Sometimes Travis.
Glasses off hair up.
Sometimes one of us pretends to be sad at the intro.
The fact that you didn't even recognize that.
Yeah, Travis, you just bear it right on through.
Love doesn't acknowledge sadness.
Griffin, what's wrong?
That's what it says in the first Corinthians.
Yeah.
Griffin, what's wrong? That's what it says in the first Corinthians. Yeah. Griffin, what's wrong?
Thanks, Justin.
Well, I guess the main issue,
this is this boop, boop, boop, boop.
Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
That's people typing on their keyboards.
This is Dune 2 Watch.
What's wrong?
And you know I've been fucking stoked about this one.
Yeah, you've been Dune 2 Clown for a while.
I've been Dune 2 Clown ever since I saw the last movie in the series,
which was called Wonk-O, which was weird.
Yeah.
I thought, and I'll be honest, some of the recent events have taken some of the wind out of my sails,
is all I'm gonna say about it.
No.
Some recent dune-based events have really taken the wind out of my sails.
Griffin, what's wrong?
What happened?
You know, don't talk him.
I don't I have no idea. I don't. I mean people are gonna think I'm making a joke about the popcorn
bucket. When the popcorn bucket actually makes me pre-bummed out if I'm being honest. Why Griffin?
What's wrong with it? What is I have not seen the popcorn bucket? What is this? Justin show Travis
the popcorn bucket. Okay Travis give me one second. So he can be sad like I am.
That'll be the response that elicits from him.
Okay, hold on one second.
Pause show.
All right, Travis let me show it to you.
Okay, please do, yeah.
So, okay, loading.
Oh boy!
That's what we're going with.
Oh boy!
Yeah.
Oh boy! That's what we're going with Oh boy. Yeah. Oh boy. That's what we're going.
What? Waiting for the sadness to kick in. Why does it make you sad, Griffin? This makes me happy to be alive.
The popcorn bucket. A lot of people have been doing jokes on some big name comedians. I've been making a lot of jokes about the popcorn bucket
because they say it looks like a human butthole.
Yeah, I was gonna say,
did they model it after Timothy Chalmé's butthole?
Is that the connection with the movie?
I see, now we are sinners.
Now we are, I am a sinner because I am here with you
where the joke was just told Travis.
I want you to think about a few things.
Why didn't have a bottle?
Timothy, she only does not have a whole smooth smooth down there.
He excreases waste through his tears.
To Terry Gland, his freemen suit, his freemen goo.
Suit is what I said.
What's a friend suit?
The freemen suit recycles the water
because they're not a drop of rain if it falls on a rack. It's a friend's suit? The Friman's suit recycles the water because not a drop of rain ever falls on a racquet.
Read a fucking book.
It doesn't say what the book.
Specifically the book.
Frank, Frenchie Herbert's Dune.
I and I doesn't say what the suit does to the poop.
Anyway, Frenchie Herbert.
That's what I call it.
Number two, the Dune guys works. The Dune guys worked so hard on this fucking flip, guys.
My favorite sci-fi book is iRobot by Ike Asimov.
My buddy, I call him Ike, we're like buds.
Can I tell you what, listen, buttholdness aside,
why were they like, we've got it,
we're gonna do tan on tan on tan for this movie?
Yeah, that's all flesh, flesh.
Well, I don't know if you've seen
the sandworms of our August, Travis,
but they are famously quite beige.
Yeah, so why go with that outfit?
Yeah, that's another thing to be mad about, Travis.
The Dune guys worked so hard on this movie.
The Dune bucket guys could have worked harder
on the Dune bucket.
Number three, this doesn't look like any
by the whole I've ever seen.
I don't know about you guys.
It's a stretch.
It is a little bit like it is.
They're participating in Am I the Asshole?
Like our version of Am I the Asshole right here?
Like it's surrounded by, and it's like, guys, no, this was my bet.
If you think this is an audio medium, I've just remembered.
Can you describe the pop corn?
Should people just get a picture of it?
It looks like the the unforgiving desert sands of Arrakis.
And from it, a mighty sandworm is blasting out.
The sandworm does have sort of natural brick exterior for some reason.
Yeah, is that a thing?
It makes it so confusing.
Guys made of bricks?
I don't know.
Another area where the dune bucket, guys, could have put in a little bit more elbow grease.
Speaking of elbow grease, speaking of elbow grease, the design of this bucket makes it so that to get popcorn,
you're reaching your hand into the worm's gauntlet.
Which is a ring filled with tendrils stretching inwards.
But they want you to want to eat the popcorn, right?
Like-
Oh, you got this movie so fucking long,
you gotta have some nourishment.
What they've created here is like a school haunted house
where they put like peeled grapes inside like a box
and they're like, it's witch's eyeballs.
And like you reach in and you're like, this is good.
But it's like, hey, get reaching there, get the popcorn.
Fuck no. No.
Inside of these big dry worms is popcorn.
That is actually.
That's in Frenchies work.
That's in Canon.
That's Canon.
Just the tendrils, I think in this case,
actually would be pretty great because you get
that popcorn as buttery as you want it to reach
and grab a fistful.
And as you pull your hand out, it is brushed
clean by the sandworm's generous mouth.
Now, I would like to offer my suggestion
for how we could fix this.
This is my proposal for this popcorn.
Oh, my God, Justin Slamdunk.
Please say what's on the screen.
It's the gum jabar.
It's a box that you're supposed to put your hand in.
Well, the gum jabar is the needle.
The needle goes to the neck, Justin.
This is the pain box.
Okay, but you know what I'm talking about guys.
You know what I'm saying, right?
The pain box.
When you reach in to get popcorn
and old lady holds the needle to your neck
and she says like, don't take out the popcorn.
Don't do it.
That's cool.
That could be cool.
Maybe it's, there's a spring loaded needle
that when you reach into the popcorn bucket,
it snaps into place just a centimeter away from your, your artery or only an animal eats popcorn.
Oh man.
Yeah.
You guys are having a lot of dune fun today and I would love to join you in it.
Yeah.
I'm realizing and I want to put this theory out to y'all.
Okay.
Okay.
And I'm going to use the word guys here, but it's not gender specific, but it is specific to guys.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, when I said Dune guys earlier,
it was the neutral guys.
The neutral guys.
So, but I see what I'm saying.
There's two different kinds of guys, okay?
I wanna put this out to you.
There's Dune guys.
Uh-huh.
And there's Avatar guys.
Uh-huh.
Cause I had this thought this morning.
You guys are doing a lot of fun dune stuff and having fun together.
When I start doing some really fun avatar work,
and you guys can't meet me there because you refuse to even watch the films,
what I'm suggesting is that maybe you're a dune guy or an avatar guy,
and you only have room in your heart for one
Super bullshit thing and like I think you either have to choose if your like thing is gonna be avatar or it's gonna be dune
Yeah, I mean what is what is dune but dry avatar? Thank you?
At least we're admitting it
Yeah, I think that's I think that's really good.
And I also don't know why everyone has to be
so nasty all the time.
This is a, it takes a stick mind to see this bucket
and say that's a butthole.
My butthole's not five inches in diameter
and my butthole doesn't stick out of my body
a good four inches.
Anymore.
Anymore, not since.
Not since that doctor patched me up after the accident.
Dr. Adams.
Dr. Adams said, let me get in the outfit.
So Dr. Patch Adams.
Hey, let's all laugh at Griffin's butthole until he feels better.
He laughed at it a lot, but then he tucked and tightened
after I fell on that fire hydrant.
It took it took him from prolapse to prolapse.
He's having fun.
Yeah.
Stop being so nasty all the time.
This movie's gonna be good and people worked hard on it
and all of that's been pissed away by this one bucket.
And two thirds of the show is trying to take it really seriously.
Yeah, thank you.
And one third of the show is up on take it really serious. Yeah, thank you and one third of the show is a Balzikron
Let's go free. I would like to make a suggestion for what I think they should have made the bucket
He reached into to get the pop. I would love to hear Travis
Yeah, I'm gonna share with you guys on slack cuz I don't know how to share it in Travis
I'm worried that you are about to send us a picture of an asshole. No, I would never do that. I mean, I don't know
Okay, so this is
Jason Momoa's head. Yeah, okay, and he's he's got the Aquaman background and the ignore that ignore the Aquaman eyebrows
Ignore all that I'm more about the open mouth of Jason Momoa. What's the now?
He would be sorry. What's the dumb name of his guy? Oh
Duncan Idaho, you okay? Oh, Duncan Idaho?
Duncan Idaho?
Thank you, okay, yeah.
Avatar sucks there, right?
All right.
Ha ha ha ha!
It doesn't suck, doesn't it?
I'm just chronically disinterested in it.
It's too wet.
I do have one note for Frenchie Herbert.
Frenchie, you were like, oh, okay, we've got, okay, yeah, Arrakis, uh-huh, yeah,
we got, okay, and the main hero of my thing,
I'm gonna call him Paul, and his big, strong,
best friend of his name, Duncan Idaho.
Duncan Idaho, very good.
I love Indiana Jones.
Anyways, I think that you should reach into Jason Mamo's
big gaping mouth to get Popcorn out.
So his head, his face is stretched,
looking up from the top of the bucket.
And you reach him, we can even put a voice chip in there.
Whereas you reach in, you just hear like,
we're doing a platform.
That's like a shit.
I love that.
Yeah, that's cool.
Right?
And then, and the bottom is his butthole.
And you're gonna reach all the way through just like
the real Jason Momoa.
Yeah.
He's a straight line.
One, he's a tunnel of a man.
It's two days till Valentine's Day.
And I just, I wanted to tell you guys,
and it's pretty important,
and it's been a while since I've said this to you guys
and I just wanted to say,
read on me peace boys.
Okay, cool.
I was worried it might be like a sad libs or something.
Like it had the vibe of a sad libs
and I'll take it real seriously.
But you weren't worried that I might say
like I love you and appreciate you?
I knew that wasn't gonna happen.
Okay.
You do do that just not when we're recording the show.
Yeah, I would never capture it
in any kind of critical manner.
And I don't need you to, I capture it in my mind.
Oh, that's nice.
There was a man who wanted to prove his love.
Oh, thank you, Diana, Diana said this.
There was a man who wanted to prove his love to his wife,
so he climbed the highest mountain,
swam the deepest ocean,
and walked the biggest desert.
What do you think his wife said?
Why did you just, where did you go for a year and a half?
Where did you, where, if I wanted to prove my love to my wife,
with whom I've sired two children, my,
my plans would not involve dipping out for a cross global
excursion that would remove me from the sort of parental equation.
Travis, can you read it to me in a normal way? Like a normal person? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, swam the deepest ocean, and walked to the biggest desert.
What do you think his wife said?
Can you guys do like a dune joke about it?
I was gonna do one, but I don't know dune.
Like, cause he was walking across a desert,
like maybe like,
calm jupar.
He's like a mountain of shadows.
Probably something or something.
Or, yeah.
Well, he walked across the desert and his footsteps.
They had to walk irregularly
or it would have sewn the sandworm, something like that.
Yeah.
That feels a little wordy, but.
Okay.
Griffin, you were dangerously close
to thinking like he authored in.
The answer is, okay. so he did all this.
What do you think his wife said?
Nothing, she divorced him for never being at home.
Now I've never been a part of a divorce,
but I do believe that at some point words must be spoken.
I don't think she said nothing.
Nothing.
It would be pretty weird for me, hey, honey,
and she's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah divorce you. You have to, you legally, it's like genie rules.
I do think both parties have to sign off on it though,
right? Like it.
But not audibly.
Actually, now I'm thinking not audibly.
I don't think there's a moment where an officiant says,
do you, Travis divorce this wife?
I do.
Let me be honest here.
I wrote this, I wrote this rid riddle obviously. I'm defending this guy
I'm getting it so right for the first time ever which I'm like
Men's riddle activists. He's yeah
So and that's I own that
It's a big twist. We're all pretty surprised. There is a rest of this like she divorced him from never being home
What a jerk am I right after he did all this stuff for her, he did all this cool shit.
And he brought her back magnets from all three of us.
We already had cans of pumpkin at home.
You only use them this year.
And then she called me.
She says, hey, while you're at the desert,
can you bring home a can of pumpkin?
And I'm like, I left the desert already.
She's like, can you go back to the desert?
And then I posted it on TikTok
cause I thought it was a slam dunk.
Anyways, I'm a stand up comic.
Book me for your events.
How about a question?
Yeah, I would love that.
Or if this is an advice show, of course,
and we're gonna help.
Brothers, I have a code.
Jason Mamo is just open on my computer now
Just get him close Jason. I wait I can't hey Siri close Jason
Close Jason. Oh, she heard me. She's doing it. No, Siri. Don't kill Jason. I'm all up
Okay, okay, I have a co-worker who's a bit of a slow walker. He leaves the office early as a result
He always says goodbye to everyone else. I usually respond to him and say goodbye as well, but then I always catch up to him on the way to the parking lot a few minutes later.
Do I just do a double goodbye? Do I rudely ignore his first goodbye knowing I'll run into him much
later? Do I just go around him entirely to avoid the awkwardness of the situation that's from
parting is such tedious sorrow? Here's what I would do first time you see him you give a note
give me a folded up note and it's and Tom not yet and
Then the next time you see him you're like now now and they open it and says bye
And then you know what I mean? It's like called shot. I think that'd be really slick
Oh, what about see you later and then when you're running mean? It's like called shot. I think that would be really slick. Oh, what about see you later?
And then when you're running into him, you're like, told you.
Oh, that's cool.
That's cool.
That's cool.
That's cool.
Right.
Until until the first time you don't see them the second time.
And then the next day it worked.
They're like, what the fuck, man?
I had my whole evening planned around.
I thought when I didn't see you in the hallway,
on the way out, you were gonna swing by the crib
and we were gonna eat chili together.
I made chili for us.
You could do a goodbye that's structured to be repeated.
First time, see you later alligator.
Next time, after Wild Crock-A-Bot.
That's why they came up with that.
That's why they did that.
Hey, it took me way too long into my adulthood
to realize I'll see you later, not if I see you first.
It's like, if I see you first, I'm gonna hide
so you don't see me.
Where I thought it was like, I'll see you.
No, I'll see you, because I saw you first.
It took me way too long to figure out,
it was like, not if I see you first.
You're suggesting that when someone says,
I'll see you later, and the other person says,
not if I see you first, their intention is that they plan
on seeing them and hiding.
Yes, so that they won't be seen.
I'll see you later.
I don't think that's you first.
I don't think I've probably said that before
and never once have I had the thought of like,
well now I got a creep on Tony You know I have like I you can't
Is this a bit trap because you can't think that that's what that very common expression means is that I'm not saying
That's what I mean now
But this is like when you say bless you and someone sneezes and it used to mean like because your demons will escape
I just think it's from like corny corny uncles from in the 50s like coming up with like in the 20s
Yeah, that was a really bit funny not at the first time somebody did that everybody was like
What yeah, but you say not if I see you first
Fuck that's funny, but my reference point for it is like movies, right where it's like two combatants to
Opposing rivals who I've never heard that I see you first is that oh you're saying point for it is like movies, right? Where it's like two combatants to opposing rivals.
I've never heard this.
Not if I see you first.
Is that? Oh, you're saying people use this for it?
That's simply, it is simply not it.
It's not what it is.
It's simply, this phrase did not originate in like feudal Japan amongst the Shinobi.
How confident, hey, okay, but just out of 100%,
how confident are you guys that you're all right?
On now at 75, when he said it's scary like that,
there's a part of me that's like, yeah.
No, I will not be intimidated by Travis.
This is why.
Hey, I just love that you grew up exactly the way.
Wait, Justin, you're out of this for a second.
Griffin, you're saying you're 100% confident
that I'm wrong and you're right.
And listen, I'm gonna say yes, Travis,
because the stakes of this are possibly low.
If I'm wrong, who cares?
So yeah, I'm pretty sure.
I mean, I've seen, well, not really,
because I'm not really online,
but I'm sure that there are people who are like,
yeah, derude Travis, come on.
So like, maybe this is my derude.
We all have our derude within us. And this is my derude. We all have our derude within us.
And this is my derude.
Conversations have a beginning and middle and an end.
They have have hello, you're in it, you're locked in.
And then they have at the end, goodbye.
And in between those two is the talking, the talking part.
That's freestyle, that's jazz.
But the beginning and end of the conversations are set.
We need a sort of climax, dénumois, like send off.
Something that is like, it means like, I'm about to goodbye.
I'm about to goodbye.
Oh, you have been out of the Midwest for too long
because that is, well, and when you make that noise
That's a good point. That's that's you're like well. Sometimes there's a double leg slap
Well, the issue with well the issue with well though Travis
This is our this is our sign that meetings have ended is yeah, you see us start to push
Velcroed myself from the chair and I'm ready to go.
Welp though is a, that's a bump in a set.
And the spike of seat, gonna head on out.
That is the payoff.
I'm saying we need something that can work on its own
but also can be a preface, a prequel for goodbye.
So not just like I have run out of things to say, like saying that out loud?
No, I mean, more like until next time.
And then if you do see them later, it's like,
sincerely, traffic snagger, right?
And then walking away.
What about what if we, what if you just were able to just take a bow?
Because you got through the conversation.
You used to say hello, and then the boss is like,
did you do all your work today?
And you're like, hell yeah, man,
I worked my ass off and I got in all the reports
and I sold 50 dog food bowls.
And then he's like, awesome.
And then you bowed.
But this is an insurance company.
Why did you do that?
You say, I sorry, that's my Etsy on the side.
The the bow is sick, actually.
I'm jealous of the bow in in cultures
where bowing is more common because I feel like the bow
would be a great way to signal that you are done
with the conversation inaudibly.
Like if you're talking to someone, they bow to you.
It's like, oh, oh, I guess we're, okay.
So we're, okay, okay.
Oh, I'll bow to you.
Okay, we're done.
All right, I'm out.
Hey, do you all know that beach season coming up?
Yeah, any day now.
Beach season coming up fast.
And so lots of people sitting in a wiki office.
Okay, we go to the wizard's house.
His beach house.
His beach house.
There's sand everywhere.
Thank you everyone who sent this in.
How to urinate in the ocean discreetly?
Sometimes the closest bathroom at the beach is too far away for you to reach in time.
This leaves you with little choice but to go right where you are.
Beaches are public places and are often filled with people.
Luckily there are no ways to go right where you are. Beaches are public places and are often filled with people. Luckily there are no ways to go,
luckily there are ways to go about your business
discreetly so that no one will suspect.
This article will show you how to do that.
Why?
What an outrage the question, right?
You ever been swimming out in the ocean,
surfing, carving up foam, boogie boarding,
skin boarding, weight boarding?
I don't go in the ocean.
Oh, yeah. Our great great ancestors crawled out of of all, I don't go in the ocean. Oh, yeah.
Our great-great ancestors crawled out of the ocean
so I don't have to go back in it.
That's the fishes and whales area.
They don't come in my,
when whales come up on the beach, we push them back.
I expect that when we go in the water,
whales should push us back on the beach.
Whales should be like, nope, nope, nope.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, they've oceaned themselves.
Get them back down.
They'll never get out.
Good point.
You look.
There's a common area.
Well, I was just thinking that normally we blow them up,
but Travis was thinking like if a live whale is on the beach,
then we get them back.
Yeah.
I think whale should be allowed to blow up dead people floating
in the water too, if that's what you're saying.
I mean, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
If you ask me.
That expression means, but.
Griffin, give me the tips.
Make sure that there are no people close to you.
If there are some swimmers close by, move away from them.
Even if they don't see you do your business,
they may feel the sudden warmth and become suspicious.
That's yucky.
Your concern shouldn't be, if my piss gets on them,
they'll know. It should be, I shouldn't be, if my piss gets on them, they'll know.
It should be, I shouldn't do that.
I shouldn't do that so close to a person
that some of my pee molecules
mix with the water molecules surrounding their person.
It should also be noted, that's a lot easier
when you don't know the swimmers near you.
If you're there with family and friends
and suddenly you're just like,
I'm gonna go 20 feet this way.
It's-
Oh dude, I clock it every fucking time.
Yeah man, it's hard to make that seem like,
I just need to think about the ocean by myself
for a minute over here.
I, but I think that if you need to be told in an article,
it would be better if you didn't piss near your dad.
You should lose the legal right to pee.
Someone should be making your peeing decisions for you.
You have to have your own fremen's suit at that point.
Yeah.
Pee has been catered, seen to stay away from crime.
Justy Plyman suit.
Is that anything?
I don't understand your culture.
So try and see if it's anything.
I don't think so, but keep, keep it going.
Okay.
Uh, stay away from clumps of seaweed and other marine plants. Lots of fish and other sea animals live there. I don't see if it's anything. I don't think so, but keep it going. Okay.
Stay away from clumps of seaweed and other marine plants.
Lots of fish and other sea animals live there.
Some of them could harm you,
while others could be harm you. Don't piss on a fish.
Oh, I thought this was courtesy.
Wait, what are they saying?
Let me read the next one,
because Travis did get a little bit ahead here.
It does say keep an eye out for other marine animals.
The further away you go from other people, the the more likely are to come across some sea critters
Stay clear any marine life including other fish sharks and jellyfish you may hurt them or they may hurt you
Yeah, I'll I'd say so so they're they're basically saying like they're setting up a sweet spot
Don't stand your people but don't go too far. Look for a whale, look for your dad.
Walk towards the whale until they're
approximately equidistant.
Piss your balls off.
Can I also say, if I'm about to piss my balls off
in the ocean, my thought is not,
oh, I hope I don't hurt a shark.
Yeah.
That's not my number.
I'm not worried about hurting a jellyfish with my piss.
My piss is not so toxic that I'm worried about injuring two things that I'm very scared of in the ocean.
I think my piss could definitely rip a fish easy, but my whole thing is that the ocean is so big yeah, when I piss in it
It's not even 1% of the ocean
It's not it's not even half a percent of the other probably I have a tough question for people with dongers
If you are gonna go to the ocean and you're gonna pee in the ocean
It seems like you are presented with two equally unpleasant options.
And one is to have your donger in the ocean.
And the other one is to pee your pants.
And I'm curious which one do you guys think is better?
Like you take it if you're like in the water.
Like if you're in the water and we've got a distance away where no one is going to be exposed.
Travis looks like he's a real lizard. You know, I'm with Travis on this one. You're in the water and we've gotten a distance away where no one is going to be exposed. Yeah
I mean juice you're no I'm with Travis on this one boy the allegiances this episode are shifting so quickly
First of all no, it's just a question. It's just a question. You can't say no
Oh, oh no, hold on. Let me no, just, you can't do that. You can't do what you just said. Because why would you even introduce that as an option?
Can't do which?
You can't whip your dick out in here.
Pick your penis out of the ocean, a fish could see it.
You're so far away, I'm being so clear about this.
There are no other people who use-
For numerous reasons that have nothing to do
with exposing myself to another person,
I'm not gonna take my dick out in the ocean.
Number one, I've increased the danger.
What's the number one thing they tell you?
What's the number one thing, Justin,
that they tell you about sharks?
Most of the time, shark, don't pee on a shark.
The number one reason sharks attack human beings
is they mistake them for like seals or whatever.
So now I'm gonna whip out a dangly bit
to some other sea lion. Like look at this bait wigg whip out a dangly bit to some other sea life like look at this bait wiggle
When they when you go fishing
Sometimes you use donger shaped
What hey, but you guys are having a lot okay? You guys are having a lot of wave comes not so my feet
I washed up the shore. Why is you take out?
Understand I was I was pissing you guys so far a lot of fun with an absolutely
ridiculous
Like ridiculous hypothetical that like a shark sees your dong what I'm talking about is you're talking about is
Literally pissing your pants. So what you guys are laughing at me for is saying that I would maybe rather
like take a- But either way you're picking your pants up, then-
Yeah, that's what I want to propose to you, Justin. Walk through this with me, okay?
You're in the ocean, you get so far, you get equidistant between the whale and the dad,
there's no marine life nearby whatsoever, and there's no seaweed. By the way, good luck
doing anything when seaweed touches your foot
other than like every synapse in your brain firing automatically like
I got to talk about it. The Kraken! No! The Kraken. You are in the ocean. You have to piss. You decided to do it between
between the whale and the dad and you leave your trunks pulled up and you let her rip. Where does the pee go? In your pants. In your pants which are.
Does it stay in your pants just soon?
Yes, yes.
For a good, for some period of time,
you are pissing your pants and your pee pee
is in your pants and then the ocean wash it away.
Okay, okay, but now.
So the pee is on the inside of the trunks
and then it kind of permeates some.
How pressed to your body?
Because you can feel the warmth of your own urine, press your body.
Okay, now.
Now.
Okay.
The other half of this equation, you take it out
and you let it rip.
Where's the piss?
It's in the ocean.
Where's the piss?
Surrounding.
And where's the Justin?
Where's the Justin?
Immediately diluted by the fucking ocean.
Your pants don't create a hermetic seal around your skin
It's not her medic. It's it's about dignity Travis. It's about dig. It's a no so in your mind
Okay, Justin you can talk about a shark sees my dick and that's wild
You're imagining the peas not touching your skin when you pee in the water
It's not that it's not peeing. It's dispersing the ocean.
It's immediately dispersing.
I am so angry at you right now.
Listen to this.
Just, unless you pee in such a wave
that creates a tidal wave away from your body,
it shoots you backwards.
Dispersed in the ocean.
It's immediately diluted.
When you piss, when you piss in the ocean,
it puts you backwards.
You feel the wetness and you feel warmth.
You feel it. You don't feel that when you're pissing in the ocean and you're trying to feel the wetness and you feel warmth, you feel it.
You don't feel that when you're pissing in the ocean because it's immediately diluted.
So then wouldn't it be more polite to piss your pants?
Oh, thank you, Travis.
For thinking about my no one around and there's no marine life around. It is not affecting any other living organism.
We stipulated that at the beginning.
We strict you, just.
What about Krill?
There's a scuba diver actually. You can Krill? There's a scuba diver, actually.
You can't just say there's a scuba diver.
You can't turn me into a sex best without my...
Like, you can't just say that.
Well, Justin, okay, let me ask you this then.
Do you face the ocean or face the beach?
Oh, this is an easy one.
Guys, this wikiHow answers every question you're putting up.
The wizard gave us this wisdom and you are pissing it.
Okay, you're right.
Sorry, go ahead.
And could you say step four, get your dick out.
Okay, you're right.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
No, Travis, it does say step three, keep your swimsuit on at all times.
Justin, this is so that you do not expose yourself.
Don't worry.
Everything will rinse off in the water.
Justin, don't worry for once in your life.
Try not to worry about this.
Try not to worry about this one.
Okay.
I will.
Try to face, turn to face the horizon
and the incoming waves.
Even if you only knee deep in the water,
you still need to keep an eye out for waves.
Small waves can suddenly turn into large waves.
You can't just be knee deep in the water.
Can I just?
You can't just be knee deep in the water when you piss.
I just want to say
for the record that I would always pee in my trunks. I did it all the time. It was just a
question to have a conversation with you guys. Okay, I think I think Daniel's hard at some point.
You know what I mean? Well, they pissed their pants. They pissed their pants literally three times a day.
If you in on the desert planet Arrakis, if you don't piss in your pants,
you're a fucking monster.
Yeah, guess what?
If you don't piss your pants on Arrakis,
you're gonna fucking die.
Yeah, you have to drink your piss.
Yeah, well, yeah.
It does sound better than avatar, you're right.
It's like water world.
It's basically just like water world.
What?
Desert planet, Arrakis. Now's basically just like water world. Um, the desert planet.
Or now here's the problem, juice.
Water world is too wet.
Okay.
We can all agree on that.
I have the same thought when I saw water world, I was like, this is good,
but I wish it was drier.
Also, where did all that water come from?
Because if the ice caps melt, it raises the ocean like five feet or something. Okay, let's not deal. We're science guys. I gotta hear the rest of this article.
No, that was, I mean, I don't, there's not really much more to it. Just a lot of
warnings about the ocean. A big one here is to avoid coral reefs. Yeah, that's
where Nemo lives. I'm not trying to piss on Swimming out to pee yeah
like if you have a like a
Hab that you have to install to go pee in the in the deep assertion if you have a
Seedoo that is a diving bell like that you I'm six feet. I'm five foot ten, right?
So let's say three. That was an interesting thing that just happened
Well, I was gonna separate it three feet and three feet to be easier, but let's say three feet. That was an interesting thing that just happened. Well, I was going to separate it three feet and three feet to be easier,
but let's say three foot waist, right?
Yeah.
Why would I go deeper?
I'm nine feet tall.
Why would I go deeper than three feet deep
in the ocean to piss?
Because I'm definitely not going out
up to my neck level.
There is nothing.
I will say the funny thing about that is
if you go up to neck level,
I think at that point you are assuring that at least people who care about you will be staring directly at you.
Yeah, I'm worried about you.
Also, whether they do it, are you okay?
You need help?
Also, you're gonna get some piss on your neck.
Brody, keep it out.
This y'all who answers this weeky how article is not answering a lot of key questions for me, which is okay. I'm out there up to my waist
Aren't slack in my side standing completely still or like at my waist like Peter Pan
They're like mmm nice right what pose is gonna make me less
The least conspicuous. Yeah, can you cross reference your research Griffin and see if yes
I mean the only the only sort of like
You know body work that they suggest is place your feet
so that they are shoulder-width apart.
Who usually are.
I always do.
This will help everything flow out easier.
Pretend you are enjoying the nice view.
This will help people from suspecting what you are up to.
Now, you guys do it pretty well at this point.
If you see me facing the horizon,
fucking T-posing and standing shoulder-width apart.
With your arms folded like folded like my arms folded like
your chest. Not talking, not looking, not do not not doing is your first thought like damn
Griffin's got dude Griffin's fucking plugged into the oceans vibes right now. I think the move would
be one hand on hip the other like you're looking you know covering shading your
the other like you're looking, you know, covering, shading your, looking at like a sailor.
And then when you finish out, oh hoi!
And wave real big, like you've seen a boat
way off in the distance.
And then go back and back.
Yeah, that was my friend Tom.
He took his skiff out today.
And it sounds so realistic.
Sounds very convincing.
Now, and you have to be ways deep, right?
Cause they mentioned, even if you're out to your knees, you can't.
You can't.
Then you just are pissing your pants.
Yeah.
You can.
There is the option of getting into shallower water and sitting down, but that seems like
a much riskier gambit.
And I might piss on a crab.
Might piss on a crab, exactly.
Now, your friends here, my brother, my brother, and me, we can,
I think, one up this article a little bit and just say, if you really care about this, the only game in town is learning how to piss while still walking and moving in the water.
Because nobody, if they see you like trudging like through the water or treading water or like
moving in any kind of like sporadic way.
My first thought is not like,
there's pee coming out right now.
Because that's hard to do and it takes lots of practice.
But it's worth it to be able to do,
it's worth it to feel comfortable and safe in the ocean.
Do stay away from peers and jetties.
Yeah. I always do. Yeah, you're gonna wanna stay away from peers and jetties. Yeah. I always do. But yeah, you're gonna want to stay away from peers because that's uncomfortable if maybe
there should just be a roped off part of the ocean for P for peers to go in.
It would be it would be cool if Mr. Brosnan is like, that's a great P Griffin.
You're doing a great job being a good guy.
And then Pierce Morgan will be like, he's right.
It's a fantastic big.
Should we go my zone? Yeah, perfect.
Justin. Yeah, Trev.
You're a stamps collector, right? Oh, a full actress. Yes.
I believe you could say. No, I'm sorry. I don't want to know what you do in the bedroom? Oh, a full actress. Yes. I believe you could say no, I'm sorry.
I don't want to know what you do in the bedroom.
I was asking about stamps.
Uh, no, yes, yes.
No, I don't know the right answer.
Yeah, there's no right answer.
I don't know.
I started with this, but you know, after the hype of the new year, we all
started settling routines and I part of my routine, mail and stuff back, get a
lot of requests for things.
Send down lots of notices.
Yeah.
And Justin, let me tell you,
I am spending so much of my day
driving each individual piece of mail to the post office
and having them put the stamp on it for me
because I can't figure out how to do it myself
and sending it off.
And I wish there was an easier way
in a way that like I could save money
while I was doing it and save time, but there's just no,
there's nothing out there for me, you know?
It's all darkness.
Oh, that's not true, Trav.
What? That's not true,
cause Samf.com is there for you.
In what way?
Well, it's like a post office that lives in your computer.
Whoa!
With no wanted posters, probably.
Oh, cool.
They should add those. Postage rates just, probably. Oh, cool. They should add those.
Postage rates just increase again.
Ah, man.
But they got the best discounts in the industry
over at stamps.com.
And you can get all of it with no waiting.
And I see you here, discounts, a lot of these ones,
you're like, I don't know, what am I gonna say?
How about this?
Up to 89% off of USPS and UPS?
Come on, that's almost all of it.
That's like so much of it.
Keep your mailing and shipping moving,
Travis, at the speed of your business with stamps.com.
Here's the deal.
I'm back now, you can aim the stamps commercial at me too.
Griff Travis, sign up with promo code mybrother
for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage
and a free digital scale.
No long-term commitments or contracts.
Just go to stamps.com,
click the microphone at the top of the page
and enter code MyBrother.
I'm getting a jumpstart on spring cleaning this year,
going through my clothes
and getting rid of some of my less savory garments.
It's a weird way of saying that.
Yeah, it is.
Stuff that doesn't fit or just like holds you in.
You're getting rid of all your slutty clothes.
Or has pizza stains on it, all that's going.
My sock drawer was a disaster, so I went through it
and we hung up a lot of jerseys up into the rafters.
You know what made the cut?
Every pair of bomba socks that I owed.
Oh, hell yeah.
They are resilient.
They are comfortable in these cold district of Columbia days.
And they are-
And hot nights.
And hot nights, thank you Travis.
I mean, I don't sleep with socks on, but if I did-
I sleep with just socks on. Gr mean, I don't sleep with socks on, but if I did, there would be- I sleep with just socks on.
Groty, so I mean, Bob has socks on.
I'm Adrian Groty, I sleep with just socks on.
Adrian Groty, Adam Groty, stop it.
But did you also know that socks tease an underwear
that top requests to clothe the items in homeless shelters?
Bombus is doing something about it
by creating incredibly comfy essentials
and donating one for each one purchased
that is
That is incredible and they are gonna be getting the highest quality goods
Because I mean these socks guys the socks are just so good. They fucks. They're buttery
They're buttery socks bombuses one purchase equalsate Admission has helped donate over 100 million clothing items
to people facing homelessness.
That freaking rules. Nice.
That freaking rules.
And I mean, for you, they're comfort
because the people at Bombus are comfort geniuses.
The socks support your arches.
You hear that, you're like, what?
How does that work?
I don't know. They hype them up.
They hype them.
That's the thing, you arches, you're amazing.
Look at you. You. Look at you.
You guys look at you so elegant.
So sexy.
And they also have a no hassle return policy.
100% happiness guarantee.
I mean, I've never achieved that.
I would like to start a company
that has 100% hassle guarantee.
That's cool.
From beginning to end.
Yeah, the whole thing's a big pain in the pituit.
And every, but when you're like,
I'd like to return these and like, you good?
Yeah, that's ass bomb, the evil twin.
Every time you sell a pair of socks,
they take a pair of socks away from a homeless shelter.
It's their ass bomb.
They're ass bomb and they're the fucking worst,
but bomb is incredibly
good and is the basically only pair of socks that I own at this point.
Ready to get comfy and give back, head over to Bombus.com slash my brother and use code
my brother for 20% off your first purchase.
Don't go to Aspomb.com slash my brother and use that promo code because it'll add 20%
to your purchase price.
Also, I can't imagine what that website really is.
So please don't go there.
Let me go to Aspom.com.
Aspom.com is taking a while to load.
Oh, so glossy JPEGs.
OK, all right.
Cool. No, this is a it's just a website.
It's not secure. So I'm going to close this tab. Don't go there. Don right. Cool. No, this is a, it's just a website. It's not secure. So I'm gonna go ahead and close this tab.
Don't go there. Don't go there. It's not a rocket. It's different when it's there, so you don't listening to. It's called Valley Heat, and it's about my neighborhood,
the Burbank Rancho Equestrian District,
the center of the world when it comes to foosball,
frisbee golf, and high speed freeway roller skating.
And there's been a Jaguar parked outside on my curb
for 10 months.
I have no idea who owns it.
I have a feeling it's related to the drug drop
that was happening in my garbage can
a little over a year ago.
And if this has been a boring commercial,
imagine 45 minutes of it. Okay, Valley Heat, it's on every month on maximumfund.org
or wherever you get podcasts. Check it out, but honestly, skip it.
These are the Chronicles of the Rancho Plesster District in Burbank, California. These are
the events taking place in my house around my house. Hello, sleepyheads.
Sleeping with celebrities is your podcast, Pillow Pal.
We talked to remarkable people about unremarkable topics, all to help you slow down your brain
and drift off to sleep.
For instance, we have the remarkable Neil Gaiman.
I'd always had a vague interest in live culture, food preparation, sleeping
with celebrities, hosted by me, John Moe, on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your
podcasts. Night night.
How about another question? Yes, please. Okay.
I even helped anybody. My boss asked if when needed a new office chair because they were ordering some for new hires
And I foolishly said yes my previous chair had pleather coming off it in certain places
But it was actually okay, which I told him problem is I thought they would be replacing the chair with the same kind
We had before but they didn't the new chairs are terrible. They're really stiff, uncomfortable and small.
I'm very tall and plus size.
I want to give it time to see if I can break it in and get used to it, but I
don't want to get rid of my old chair in case I don't.
Is there any way I could keep my old one without seeming weird or ungrateful?
That's from downright uncomfortable in Dallas.
Your desk chair is the most important piece of furniture and possibly possession that you own,
or I guess in this case, use while you are at work.
The worst fights I've ever seen in an office setting are about chairs.
Correct.
Like the good chair, the bad chair.
The good chair.
You are, the desk chair is the picture frame
for the art of your body.
Ooh, Griffin.
Oh, with words.
If you are not setting yourself up.
We've got a regular Frenchy Herbert over here.
I learned from the best.
If you don't have a good frame, then the art won't shine
and you'll be uncomfortable.
You spent so much time in your desk chair.
You should feel no, in this specific case,
you should feel no qualms with saying,
I do not wanna sit in this chair.
It sucks and I do not wanna spend 40 hours of my life
every week in a bad frame that isn't flattering
for my spinal.
Yeah, I don't know your boss.
I don't know you really.
I mean, you wrote a question about it.
We have no personal connection whatsoever.
I don't know you really, Trav.
I mean, you think about it.
Does anyone know anyone?
Can you really?
Wow.
Does anyone really know what time it is?
It's 9.56.
But I will say that if the boss has the opportunity
to return the chair and get money back,
they're not going to see it as ingratitude.
And two, if you're like, I'll be more productive
and make you more money with my other chair,
they'll be like, cool, man, I could not care less
what chair you sit in.
Yeah, I don't think they're gonna care.
I don't think that this is, I understand the thing of like, oh no, I
asked for it and now I don't like it.
But like, I think that it's, you know what?
Now that I've tried it out, I just don't think it works for me.
And I think I'll be more productive in my old chair.
Oh, but Trav, even saying that though, you hear it, right?
Like, I was getting annoyed with you and you didn't even do it, you know what I mean?
Like, why?
Yeah, but your boss isn't your friend.
Why do I care if I annoy you?
That's a good point.
Your boss's job is to be annoyed by you.
Why else are you there?
That's their problem.
Who cares?
Their problem is to make sure you have a great chair.
That's not your problem.
Yeah.
Their job is to make sure you're able to do your job
the best way possible to facilitate
your working experience, not the other way around. Your boss is there to manage your experience. You don're able to do your job the best way possible to facilitate your working experience.
It's not the other way around.
Your boss is there to manage your experience.
You don't have to manage your boss's experience.
They get paid more money to make sure you're happy.
That's what it should fucking be.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're starting a revolution here on this podcast.
Yeah.
A chair-based work consciousness.
I'm saying.
The problem with that is though, I cannot,
it can't be like,
I believe that everybody should share equally
and I believe that everybody should take care of each other.
And that breaks down for me when it comes to the office chair
because I don't believe I just want that for myself.
You know what I mean?
Like the good chair I just want for me
and I don't actually want to share it with you.
Well, then this is my point, Justin. If there's one good chair, you know what I mean? Like the good chair I just want for me and I don't actually want a share.
Well then this is my point, Justin.
If there's one good chair, you know who's failing the system?
The boss.
Get all good chairs.
All the chairs.
Why is there only one good chair in this fucking office?
Roll that back in their office and say, hey,
this chair sucks, dude.
Try riding this Bronco for a day.
Try that out, man.
It's stiff, it's too small.
What are you doing?
We just hired new people.
They're gonna come in and be like,
I don't wanna work at that place.
The chairs suck.
What are you doing?
Yeah.
Go over to Twitter where they're selling off
all their possessions because they're failing so bad.
Oh, don't you get some?
And get some broken-in chairs.
Get some nice chairs.
They're just throwing about the wind, though.
These have been pre-musked, and they are nice.
The savings are out of sight.
Get those broken-in Twitter chairs at a discount.
I think that my office chair might be
the most expensive piece of furniture
that I think it may be the most I've spent.
Well, that's probably not true.
We, there's probably a couple of couches or something that clocked in, but man, it's close.
It is the one thing that when it's time to get, when I bust up one of these bad
boys with my Heiner after podcasting eight hours a day, three days a week, man,
I don't, I don't, I don't skimp.
I treat it nicely.
I don't buy new clothes for myself really,
but I gotta make sure that my duff is catered.
Well, if you're, if you have,
that's the thing, right?
If you spend, there are certain items
that are gonna reward you spending a little bit more
on them, right?
Something you don't pay off sometimes do.
If you spend less on a chair,
it's just gonna break down earlier.
A good chair will last you a lifetime.
This isn't a comedy podcast anymore.
No. I'm sent.
This is about conscious consumption.
And let me tell you here,
it's cheaper to be rich than it is broke.
You buy $200 per boot slash your whole life
versus a $40 per boot
that you have to replace every six months.
Conscious consumption.
Yep.
I'm gonna come at it from a different way,
sort of Jimmy Cramer sort of zone, which is to say.
Yeah, he always knows what to say.
Which is to say, this is a sound investment.
Don't buy stocks, buy chairs.
Buy chairs, buy stock, eat chairs.
Buy low, sell high, I say buy a chair that can do both.
Yes.
You know what I mean?
But it can go high and low. Buy chair, sell chair. That's what I say buy a chair that can do both. Yeah. You know what I mean? But it can go high and low.
Buy a chair, sell chairs.
That's what I say.
And they're like, get out of here.
Why are you screaming buy a chair, sell chair?
I'm over it.
Go into the office.
The New York socket chair.
Give me three chairs with three chairs.
What?
What does that mean?
Shares and chairs.
Shares and chairs.
Please, please.
Break into the office in the middle of the night.
Sell all of the chairs, use them to buy a fancy chair.
One chair?
One, and leave it at your desk.
Next day you come in, there's been a burglary,
and one Herman Miller gold-plated chair.
There's, wow, guys, shit.
These are the weirdest bandits ever.
It's like a trade-up sans-cron.
And it's changed to my desk.
What were they thinking?
Well, that's weird.
It is welded to the floor and so's my desk
and my name tag to the desk.
Curse you, coffee chair bandits!
Dammit.
You're stuck again.
Anyway, stop being over on my futon.
Do some work, guys.
Diggity-diggity-diggity.
Yes.
Diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity.
Woo! Diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity-diggity I want to munch. Squat. Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.
Got to wait for me, huh?
Welcome to Munch Squat.
It's a podcast on the podcast.
How long do I have?
I got to...
Several minutes.
How long do you need?
I need a lot.
There's a lot going on.
Because we have...
Probably because we have the big game and we have Valentine's Day.
And we have to cover both of those topics at once.
So we have a lot going on and I just need to try to get through it. First up, let's talk about Valentine's Day.
Pizza Hut has launched Goodbye Pies to help with Valentine's Day breakups.
Spicy News delivered Sweetly.
Pizza Hut announces a new Valentine's Day offering Goodbye Pies with the launch of its new sweet yet spicy hot honey pizza.
There's a misconception that breakups
don't happen around Valentine's Day,
but research shows it's actually a holiday
centered around the most heartbreak.
With 47% of people agreeing it's better to do the D right
before the holiday itself.
There's even a phenomenon called Red Tuesday,
which is the Tuesday before Valentine's Day
where people break up most often in the year.
Now, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Doesn't that mean that the breakups
aren't happening on Valentine's Day?
They're happening, well, in the season.
I mean, a lot of people break up right before, but yes.
Who the fuck was sitting there thinking,
I bet nobody breaks up during the season of Valentine's Day.
That's why starting this Red Tuesday, February 6th through Valentine's Day,
Pizza Hut is launching a new limited edition
Hot Honey Goodbye Pies to help deliver spicy news
in a sweet way for free.
By sending it a goodbye pie, Pizza Hut will help you
break up with your significant other
by delivering a personalized, simple message
on custom packaging with a sweet and spicy
Hot Honey Pizza to ease the pain.
I always hated doing a breakup.
Yeah.
When I was, you know, in the dating scene a hundred years ago.
And so if I did have a pizza based option, that would be, you know, not maybe like polite or cordial,
but you do get a pizza at the end of it.
Like, I feel like I was pretty tender most of the time
that I did a breakup,
but they never got a pizza out of the deal.
So maybe they are onto something.
It is nice.
Can I talk about this?
The design of the box, Justin?
Yeah, please, Jeff.
Here, I'm trying to frame it.
Please scroll back, guys, thank you.
So the box has some detailed line work in the box. Yeah, please, Jeff. Here, I'm trying to frame it. Please scroll back, guys. Thank you.
So, the box has some detailed line work in the corners.
It's beautiful.
And it says-
It's a beautiful pizza box.
It's a beautiful pizza box.
It's pizza boxes go.
And I would like to say pizza.
How does my favorite delivery pizza?
It says here-
You say that for free?
Did I say that for free?
Goodbye pie with a heart-shaped pizza broken in half.
And then at the bottom it says, with love,
and then a space for, I guess, your name.
Yeah, there's no one's name that makes sense there.
Yeah.
There's just no one's name that putting it there
makes any damn sense.
No, there should be room for a paragraph on the box
because I assume there's not a note inside that's like,
to be explicitly clear Amelia,
this is the, I am terminating our relationship,
effective Amelia.
Because here's the thing, if this was delivered to you
and you're like goodbye pie,
heartbreak with love, oh okay, cool.
That muddies the waters quite a bit, doesn't it?
What shape is the pizza in?
What shape is the pizza in?
Regular, regular pizza shape.
It's not a heart shape.
No, it's not a heart shape.
They don't want it to be any more romantic than it is.
They want it to be less than romantic.
Okay.
Hey, you know who doesn't get paid enough to bring pies like this to people who
are about to have their lives torn asunder?
Anyone that the deliver pizzas for pizza should not have to do this.
This is not cool to do.
I didn't order this pizza yet.
Yeah, I know.
What does this mean?
I gotta go.
But if you want to hit me, that would be great.
You're crying.
Okay.
Yes.
This could solve another problem from this episode,
which is that if you do see someone at the office
after you've said goodbye to them and you see them again,
they have to give you a whole pizza.
Oh, you owe me a goodbye pie.
So that is the goodbye pie.
You can do that for someone if you hate them.
If you don't like them and you don't enjoy them.
That was goodbye pie was the original name of the Sweeney Todd musical.
Yeah, people. And the days he just...
He said time for whole swingy to give him the goodbye pie.
And he...
Did you call him Swingy?
Oh, Swingy Todd. That was Spider-Man's original name.
Uh, real quick.
Swingy Todd!
Fighting bad guys at McGinn Whips.
I just wanted to share this, this, uh, this other one.
This is not that much to talk about here, but it is just seeing it is bracing.
So, if you could read the headline for me.
Sure.
Um, the headline is Burger King holds contest
to see who can make the best Whopper.
I mean, you hope it's Burger King.
You would certainly hope so, but they are really,
they are really putting it all on the fucking line here
because there's some folks who haven't tried
to make a Whopper that might do a pretty good job with it.
I think five guys could probably make an all right whopper if they put their minds to it.
Um, cut.
Calling all flame girl fanatics, culinary creators and AI fishinatos.
What?
Burger.
What the fuck?
Wait, what?
You heard me.
Hey robots, make me a burger.
Starting the day, guests can let their imaginations run wild and enter the million dollar whopper contest. What you heard me. Hey robots.
Starting the day, guests can let their imaginations run wild and enter the million dollar whopper contest by submitting their ingredients for their
dream whopper sandwich for a chance to win a $1, $1 million prize and
senior creation sold in restaurants nationwide for a limited time.
The flame grilled whopper currently offers more than 200,000 possible customized
combinations, but if you've ever wanted to top the flavorful burger with savory sensations
or sweet and sour showstoppers, maybe they're trying to stop me by making it hard for me to
read because they know my struggles with connecting my way.
Deliteration.
Yes. Since its debut in 1957, the Whopers, yada, yada, yada.
So you can create your dream Whopper.
You submit your Whopper creation
to through your Royal Perks account.
Okay.
You can follow the prompts
to submit your Whopper sandwich concept,
which can feature up to eight toppings.
After submitting your million dollar Whopper idea contest entry with the power of artificial intelligence, then it says here AI. They'll
receive a preview AI version of their flame girl creation to which they can then add personalized
AI generated jingle and a thematic background. So people are just very excited to put AI in
everything. The level of investment I'm sure that all that took, I don't know man, And the thematic background what so people are just very excited to put AI in everything shit
I'm sure that all that took I don't know man. What is this? What it? Oh?
Burger King
You've lost the plot
Speaking of AI this dovetailed for me. I don't know did want to share with you guys
This is and I didn't even get the count for this because I
think this is and I didn't even get the count for this because I think this is the first
one of the munch squad press releases that I would swear on a stack of Bibles was indeed.
I know we've joked about it was absolutely written by an artificial intelligence with no human oversight.
Duck Donuts big game box arrives just in time.
oversight. Duck Donuts Big Game Box arrives just in time.
Duck Donuts Big Game Box is a must-have snack for all big-game watch parties.
That's the first sentence.
Cool.
New to the starting lineup are two toppings making their rookie debut.
Crushed ruffled potato chips and crunchy pretzels. As Avid Sports fans gear up for the seemingly most anticipated game of the season,
Duck Donuts is elevating the Game Day snacking experience with this innovative twist on their signature donuts.
Okay.
Here's a quote. Innovation is at the core of Duck Donuts,
and we are thrilled to unveil our latest creation
for sweet and salty goers.
Be boop, boop, boop, beep.
Sweet and salty goers.
Sweet and salty goers,
is what it says.
This unexpected added crunch
to our signature donuts
is a delicious twist on a classic snack
designed to surprise and delight your guests for the big game elevating the
game day experience to new heights. What? It's just I mean what are you trying to
communicate? You put chips on a donut.
And so that people can reach Nirvana.
Right, so they can eat it.
That donut specializes in warm, delicious,
and made-to-order donuts.
Upon entering the store, customers
are welcomed with the aroma of warm, light, vanilla cake
donuts.
OK.
OK.
Great.
Good.
It has walls and windows. Windows. It's Good. What else walls and windows?
Windows. It's consumable for work energy.
Four humans are in the building.
So there's a lot going on.
That was the big game day,
which brands continue to be absolutely incapable of.
Can I just say, duck donuts?
Don't go changing trying to please me.
Yeah.
I love you just the way you are, my friend.
You you are doing some good work down there.
I also a shout out to what a burger who has press release that reads
what a burger prepares for Super Bowl with what a wings party pack.
Wow. Saying the quiet part out loud.
What a burger. I don't think we're supposed to say Super Bowl prayer prayer.
Oh wow. Prayer is for what a burger. I don't think we're supposed to say Super Bowl prayer prayer. Oh wow prayers for what a burger
I don't think anybody's supposed to ever say Super Bowl is it does what a burger also have a press release
It says what a burger made a kick-ass whopper and I were gonna come for the crown, baby
Now you have to sell the what a burger
Burger game what a burger what a burger commits
Regicide as they make the world's most kick-ass whopper.
What if the million dollar whopper is a whopper that is just the closest approximation to a big bag?
They have to sell it. Like, yeah, I don't know. It's the best. We tried.
It's just eight buns. It's just a tower of eight buns sandwiched between two buns.
Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. It's really nice of you. Yeah, we are very kind. You're so kind, mate. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. It's really nice of you.
Yeah, we, it's very kind.
You're so dear to me.
You're kind, mate.
Thank you so much.
Leo, you won.
Send us a link to your podcast.
I guess we'll listen to an episode of that.
Yeah, after you know it.
Now, please don't tell people to do that.
Please don't.
Gramps don't do that.
Yeah.
And if you haven't yet, go check out the stuff we got over
at the merch store for February.
It's really amazing.
And 10% of all proceeds this month
will go to the Marshall B. Johnson Institute.
And we also have the Candle Nights 2023 video
on demand available for pay what you want
and all proceeds for that go to Harmony House.
Thank you to everybody who came out to the Sketchfest show.
It was so fun, it was so great, really appreciate it.
Anything else?
No, except for thanking Montaigne
for these for theme song my life is better with you
Snubbed at the Oscars. He owed about that
But I mean the Grammy of my heart goes to my life is better with you by Montaigne
I just yonned but it sounded like I was crying through that. It really did
I'm beautiful a little emotional, but not that not that not like that much
We have a wish for a fungler to elevate lift it up who reads these do we have like a
I think of the spirit music who wants to read this one
mmm
I'll read it. Yeah, go ahead. Okay. You guys hum. I
Wish there were more candy shaped like vegetables. Why is it only beans? And that's some jelly bean fan
My name is Justin McRoy fuck Griffin. You're right
I'm Travis I'm Travis McRoy
cabbage patch kids
I'm Griffin McRoy. They're not cabbage. You don't eat cabbage patch kids
This is my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips. It's better with you, it's true It's better, it's better with you
My life, it's better with you