My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 709: Face 2 Face: Personal Hot Dog Thermos
Episode Date: April 29, 2024We've annexed the town of Chicago, our real dad, into TravNation! And we're answering all of the Wind Chime City's most pressing questions about fencing champions, Zamboni safety, and what Toad sounds... like.Suggested talking points: Child’s Hat Bag, I Feel So Flammable, Dr Blade the Sword Genius, Giant Ice Tank, Enjoy your Half a VasectomyPalestine Children's Relief Fund: https://www.pcrf.net/
Transcript
Discussion (0)
The McElroy brothers are not experts.
And their advice should never be followed.
Oh, Travis claims he's a sexpert.
But if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.
Also, this show isn't for kids.
Just so you babies out there know how cool you are for listening.
What's up, you cool babies? It's the start of something beautiful.
A small acquaintance has blossomed, it's ripen into a precious friendship.
I could have never seen what was coming for me
Hangs at the skate park, hangs by the beach
My life, it feels like My life, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, it's better, it's better with you.
This is true, ah, it's better, it's better with two.
My life, ah, it's better with you.
Hello and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and Me, an advice show for the modern era.
I'm your oldest brother, Justin Tyler McElroy.
What's up, Trav Nation?
For one night only, we've annexed Chicago, Illinois
into Trav Nation.
You all belong to me.
I'm your middle-ish brother, I wasn't done.
Travis McElroy.
And the hat's already coming off.
And I am your sweet baby brother.
30 under 30, media luminary, Griffin McElroy.
This'll be the image they use for the
where are they now in tenure.
So well listen, we have a pretty good hit rate here
with our luminaries.
Once again, I would also throw out every year
I'm struck by the costumes end up being something
Justin would probably wear in real life, something Travis would probably wear in real life, and
Griffin's choices.
I asked what the dress code was for today's show.
You guys said mushroom.
Griffin also continued his proud tradition of not trying on his costume. Not a bit. I saw him pull it out of a...
It's a child's hat!
I watched him pull it out of that child's hat bag.
It is 100% fresh, unworn, unwatched.
We also came to the realization backstage.
Griffin reeks of freighter right now. It's hard to...
I'm the only one of us on stage who can't take their hat off because if I do, all of
a sudden I'm doing a very low quality, I would say tasteless recreation of Aladdin.
If I take my hat off, the outfit becomes appropriative.
Those are the stakes. Those are the stakes.
The hat's staying fucking on.
Wear this child's toadstool hat or get canceled.
That's your evening.
Griffin, what we've got is kind of a fox and chicken
and bag of greens scenario where the vest
has to come off first, then the hat can come off safer.
And then I can put the vest on?
No, no, no, you can't put the vest back on once the hat's off.
If you put the hat back on, you can put the vest back on. Now, Griffin, can I ask super quick? Don't ever take your pants off.
If you could stand, speaking of the pants, could you stand real quick, Griffin? I just need to ask a quick question.
Are those special, are those special toad pants or are they karate pants? Cause they look like karate pants to me.
And I was curious.
They were a part of a toad costume, Justin.
Even though they might look like what could only be
described as a long sleeve diaper, they are.
Your toad vest is shedding like your t-shirt.
Yeah, that'll happen with high quality garments, Travis.
They take a while.
It's called pilling and good garments do it.
Good garments pill, Travis,
so don't get on my fucking ass about it.
Right?
My entire outfit costs $14 on Amazon.
I feel so fucking flammable right now.
You have absolutely no clue.
I had them turn down the lights a little bit
just for safety's sake, so I didn't just
Immolate right here. I just I feel like a fancy prince and I love it. You look at that's wonderful
It's an advice show, okay, that's how it works
You send us your question with it. Maybe we haven't done it like this in over six months, but
We still got it. Yeah for sure I let thank you for coming by the
way yeah you know what I've always said about Chicago Justin it is the home of
our anybody know fun facts trivia Chicago is a real dad no no no it's the
first city we ever played live. That's true.
That's true.
But Justin, just-
And the last.
Dun, dun, dun.
For reference, you can't start a sentence with,
Chicago is the home of blank
and expect us to know what the rest of that might be.
Well, yeah, but-
So many people live here, dude.
Yeah, but it's like, that's what springs to mind.
Yeah, sure.
But you know what springs to mind for me, Jolson?
What?
Sheer class.
Oh.
Yeah, this is a classy city.
It is a classy city.
Yeah, man.
For sure, yeah.
And so I thought, since it was such a classy city.
Oh no, which one is it?
We should class up the show.
With which one, Trav?
Give it to me straight, man.
And maybe talk about some works of fart
I hate being on stage when that stinger plays I should be allowed sorry did you say stinker
did you it's a good joke what do you want want from me? You want me to give it? I wanted an audible laugh because it's an audio podcast. Okay, no.
You can't sit looking amused.
I did a point.
I did a point.
I did.
Which is all that joke deserved
and then you guys fucking froze the show
for the people here like no,
I'm gonna get my fucking nut
on this joke.
I just wanted an answer from you up or down.
It's not that.
Yeah, good. Sorry, I used the wrong finger when I did joke. I just wanted an answer from you up or down.
It's not that-
Yeah, good.
Sorry, I used the wrong finger when I did a point.
I should have done-
I didn't know if you had made the joke first and I didn't want to steal it from you.
I've never made that sound before in my life.
I believe you meant woohoo.
Actually-
Oh no. I believe you meant woohoo! Actually...
Oh no.
Toad doesn't sound like that.
Not my Toad.
Hashtag not my Toad.
Okay.
Let's start the podcast. Over.
The year is 2010.
Okay.
What could possibly be on there?
The answers?
To work a fart, you can't get the work of fart answers
locked away in your brain?
I don't want to get it wrong.
That would be embarrassing.
Okay.
In this classic-
Did you explain what work of fart is?
You haven't done it in a long ass time.
You should explain what it is.
I will describe a classic work of art
with some minor changes.
Pure aisle in nature.
Yes.
Eye of the Beholder.
And Justin and Griffin will have to guess
with the title of that classic.
It's way more fun than it sounds.
Trust me, you're gonna get real into it.
You're the one who made me describe it.
Okay, right, yeah.
In this classic children's story, Way more fun than it sounds, trust me, you're gonna get real- You're the one who made me describe it! Okay, right, yeah.
In this classic children's story,
trapped in a magical, whimsical, upside-down world,
a lost penis must find his way home.
Barnea, Barnea, Farnia, Scarnia.
Wrong direction.
Shit!
Magical upside down world?
Whimsical?
Whimsical, oh.
Flaccid in Wonderland?
No, close.
Al, Alice in Chunder, Chunder isn't anything, Alice.
Chunder was close, huh?
What was, what did he say?
A limp? Phallus in Wonderland. There it is,-up. What was, what did he say? A limp?
Phallus in Wonderland.
There it is, Phallus in Wonderland.
Nothing feels worse than winning this game.
The next is a classic film.
Okay.
Ooh.
All right.
In this classic film.
Love those.
So exciting and funny and good, all of them.
Paul Newman's character makes a bet
that he can eat a bunch of boiled eggs
and then he vomits everywhere.
Coolhand Puke.
Yes.
Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
In case you couldn't hear it, that was Coolhand Puke.
Yes, cool.
It's one and one.
I don't know how to celebrate.
I would ask that you let Travis finish his great skit that he wrote down.
No, man, if I got it, I'm going to fucking fire.
You can't stop me from doing that.
I got the heart of a champion.
This is the tiebreaker. Okay?
This line became the title of a book in which there was an editorial written answering whether or not Santa Claus existed to a young labia.
Yes, vagina, there's a Santa Claus?
Yes!
Damn it! FANFARE
Really good. Really good. Way better than Griffin. I almost ripped my hat off and threw it in protest.
But I can't.
Yeah.
I... Okay, advice show. Back on track.
I live... I live in an apartment in Chicago, classic.
I... That was not me editorializing.
It says classic in the email.
I guess that's a classic thing.
We've all done it.
Yeah.
To live in an apartment in Chicago is, okay, classic.
And one of my neighbors, some people are like, I'm living in an apartment.
Yeah, sure.
One of my neighbors in the building right next to mine has a wind chime hung outside their back door.
Being the windy city,
you could probably infer the sound hell this makes.
There looks to be around four apartments in the building,
but I have no way of knowing which one is theirs.
How can I let my feelings be known?
That's from Sleepless in Chicago.
Here's what I'll say.
These damned wind chimes have taken everything from us.
There's only one reason for wind chimes to exist, and it's to signal that there's some
bad magic flying into town.
Yeah.
Right?
Like, oh, wicked winds are blowing.
That's the only time.
Some teen had a premonition that allowed them to escape their rightful death.
The wind chimes are a way, an alert system
of letting you know.
There's never a time in a movie where a wind chime blows
and everyone's like, ooh!
Ooh, that sounds fucking great!
Yeah, that's the thing.
Wind chimes are busted.
They can only play one song.
Yeah.
That's a good point, Griffin.
You can't even tune them.
What if you had a Bluetooth speaker, hi sharks,
it's a Bluetooth speaker.
The wind blows through the hole,
we call it the reception hole, and a wind blows through it,
it'll play any damn song you want,
or one of 20 songs on shuffle.
Ooh.
Yeah.
As the wind gets stronger, the music gets...
Right.
It comes preloaded with a selection of holiday tunes
that are all in the public domain,
but you can upload your own stuff if you want.
I would like an anti-wind chime that makes noise
when it's not windy,
because I can hear when it's windy.
Yeah, wind makes its own noise, guys.
I can see when it's windy.
But if I look outside in their stillness,
that bothers me.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, if you can, yeah.
Maybe bigger wind chimes than they have
Like really deep ones that are even scarier than theirs. I guess
I like that the question asker includes the detail that they don't know where the person lives as though
That information would be in any way helpful to them or actionable for this person. What's what you're gonna knock on the door
I will say that if I put up wind chimes
and someone knocked on my door,
before I even open the door, I think,
time to take the wind chimes down.
Yeah, I get it.
Yeah.
Hey, I heard it too.
Yeah, I know, I know.
I was already on the fence about it as I was doing it.
I bought them while I was on vacation at the beach.
It was that, or a dried out seat,
or whatever. They're really nice. For what it was that or a dried out sea, or whatever.
They're really nice, for what it's worth,
they're really nice wind chimes.
I'm gonna hang them inside, that felt dumb,
but I see now hanging them outside was way worse.
I don't know what I was thinking, I was in the moment,
I was drunk, I'm so sorry.
What's that, just signed for a package?
Yeah, yeah, I misread this.
What if you took the wind chimes down smash them into a thousand pieces?
And then yeah, and you would have to get to them for yes
You take them down for with a stick and then you smash them into a thousand pieces
And you put a note where they were that says fuck you and then yeah
This is my new thing. I want to try this kind of thing now
You know understand you understand though that you could give that advice
to most questions, but there's a thing called repercussions
of your actions.
Now here's what you do.
You pin it on somebody else.
You knock them down, smash them.
Then you put a note that says,
sorry, I got too windy, the wind.
Okay.
Because here's the thing about wind chimes.
Yeah.
There is an amount of wind where they're effective
and it's between here and here, right?
Because here, no wind, nothing.
One to three knots.
Too much wind, they're gone.
They're gone, they're out of here, baby.
The wind will take care of that for you.
Yeah.
How about another question?
I would love that from you.
I've learned my boss is a champion collegiate fencer.
How do I... Ooh, the right collegiate fencer. How do I-
Ooh, the right reaction, well done.
How do I introduce more sword fighting
into my boring payroll job?
Travis told me that he made up the name,
so I have to get the pronunciation just right.
If you'll excuse me.
A payroll.
That was actually-
You guys are fucking kicking ass out there tonight
with the correct responses to the jokes
coming off this stage.
It's really, really impressive.
It actually makes you feel better when you laugh right.
Yes.
It's better-
If you laughed too much at that,
I would have been like,
what the fuck are we doing out here, guys?
Don't give us that.
We don't need that no no no no
At payroll yeah, yeah, we know oh Trav you. Oh, buddy. You can't try it again
Now I'm mad now I'm against you
Yeah, I mean wait are you here all right? Here's what you need to do you can't introduce sword fighting all at once
You hear? All right, here's what you need to do.
You can't introduce sword fighting all at once.
You have to do it kind of inadvertently,
but pardon my pun, pointedly,
where you're going to start pointing at things sharply.
Yeah, yeah.
Hand me that, what's that?
Give me that, right?
And then see if he starts countering.
Yeah, yeah, that's huge.
If he'll meet your point with another point that stops you from burning all the way. Oh, what's that?
It's a test hot test. What if he comes back too hot though cuz he's a champion
Fencer and you go hey him in those paper clips and he just goes ah
And stabs you through the chest with a sword
I just sway where the sword come from from the fucking belt that they're wearing all that Travis
Is that how he found out? Travis if Wait, where'd the sword come from? From the fucking belt that they're wearing all the- Travis!
Is that how he found out he's at the league?
Wait.
Travis!
If you were an Olympic level fencer,
like I think they said that this person is.
Wait, I think it just said award winning, was that it?
What other awards can there be?
They're being humble.
It's the Olympic gold.
If you're an Olympiclyp- Eerie on slice
Thank you. That- great. I love it
If they're carrying an Olympic gold in fencing
It's wild to think that they're not also carrying a rapier or something with them all the time
You would be wearing the medal all the time, yes?
The medal would be on all the time, the sword would be on all the time, that way nobody
would ask me any questions fucking ever.
They would look at the gold medal on my chest and be like, wow, that's dope, what did he
do?
Oh, I see the sword on him, probably sword shit.
Be wild if he was a gymnast.
I have a pretty complicated idea if you guys can give me a few minutes of your valuable
time.
Fuck yeah, man.
Yeah, we rarely ask for that space.
I know.
I know.
It's weird for me to...
We're not going anywhere, man.
Yeah, I know.
But it's just like, you guys give me a little room, okay?
Yeah, sure.
So...
You want us quiet or can we still do jokes?
Okay, no, you can like ask questions if you want.
Okay.
Because like, and if it's...
If you start to think it's like a bad idea,
you can just say that and I'll stop.
Probably won't though,
that's not really the nature of comedy.
But like that, I just would like-
You asked for the space, just-
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm just saying
if you think it's a bad idea.
If you ask for a runway to take off on,
the air traffic controller doesn't go,
actually don't.
You know what, Travis,
I would actually love to get this bit started
because I don't know how long it's gonna go,
and I-
Well, okay, we gotta get these people home. started because I don't know how long it's gonna go and I well I want to give Justin this space. What if you could arrange for your office to be robbed by Dr. Blade the
sword genius? Uh-huh. Now this is important this part's very important for
weeks before you have to start talking up Dr. Blade the sword genius.
Now it's really important that you start saying weeks before.
Weeks before.
Have you heard of-
Did you see in the paper, yeah.
Did you see in the paper that Dr. Blade the sword genius
struck another business?
Hey check out this-
Do you think you could start just by saying D-B-T-S-G
and they're like what?
And you're like oh, I thought you know.
Dr. Blade the sword genius.
You're not, Ann.
And then.
Check out this clip on my phone.
It's a news report about Dr. Blade the Sword Genius.
Yeah, the anchor looks a lot like me.
Because it's my brother.
And then you say, I think this part's going to be tricky, but you have to start bringing
a sword.
Because.
Wait, why?
Because you've heard about Dr. Blade the sword genius, right?
Oh, cool, cool, cool.
And so when Dr. Blade the sword genius finally arrives,
and this is a professional stunt person,
obviously, who has deep, deep financial debt,
that the only way they can free their family from is by sacrificing their life for this ruse.
Now you run a risk there Griffin, because if this person is on dire enough straights and they put the work into getting good enough with a sword to become Dr.
Blade, the sword genius plausibly.
They can't turn that off.
They can't turn that off. It's a real fine lie. They can start knocking over
real quiznos for real and just, you know what I mean? Oh, you create. It is just a criminal. Hey Justin, can I ask you the question real quick? We're only on step seven. Go ahead. I know, but everybody's
bothered by this so they have to know. Is he a genius with a sword or a sword wielding genius?
I mean it's kind of both, right? No. No. Yeah. Because a genius with a sword does not imply
a mastery of the blade.
It's a type of genius.
It's just a genius.
Yeah.
So anyway.
That didn't answer my question.
It's okay.
Travis, this is not the space that we guaranteed.
The fateful day arrives.
Yeah.
Dr. Blade, the sword genius, to everyone's surprise,
bursts into the office and the payroll
office the payroll office and kicks the door in yeah and then you try to to the
best of your abilities stand up to dr. play the sword genius yeah oh you are
killed oh no yeah sorry oh shit we should have mentioned the body count on
this particular suggestion from Justin Tyler McElroy is two. One of them is you most notably. Wait, wait, wait. How bad do you want to get this done?
The store genius or the professor or the like Bayroll boss. Alright guys nobody gets killed for real in this idea.
That's why it's so important that you let me finish.
Okay.
It's, okay, here's the next two words I was gonna say.
It's fake.
Okay, thank you.
So if I could just say those two syllables, it is fake.
Now, but notably the person most skilled with a sword
doesn't know that, Justin.
That's fucking, yeah, absolutely.
That's why I told it the way I did
so they could be in his shoes. Yeah. Yeah, Justin. Right, absolutely. That's why I told it the way I did so they could be in his shoes.
Yeah.
Yeah, Jarlsded.
Right, so.
This is a good idea so far.
I'm almost done.
Then, you're dead on the ground.
The boss sees the sword and Dr. Blade the sword genius.
Yeah, yeah.
And there's only one person that can stand against him.
When you get killed, you have to throw your sword backwards.
Exactly. And it stabs down into the ground.
I actually don't think you should do that.
I don't think you should trust yourself.
You should gently lay it down.
You'll practice it.
It's a high quality weapon.
You don't want to hurt it.
Yes.
And then your boss finally gets a chance
to shine and demonstrate their sword skills.
Alternately, if he's a man, you could just
do it wrong in front of him.
And that's one way for sure.
He'll give you all the time you need. And that's one way for sure he'll give you all that all the time you need
and that's my two different ideas either one would be one of those too I I have I have
an idea do you need room for it no I don't it's short sweet to the point your boss has
one thing one thing That is your bosses.
And he doesn't feed to all the employees at the office like a bunch of hungry little baby birds.
One thing is fencing.
And you want to take that from him and make it a workplace activity.
I'm just saying, what about the bosses though?
Yeah, what about this poor dude three years into the future?
He's like, oh, another fencing mug. Thanks guys
Griffin I just want to say it's really great that you're out here looking after the bosses the landlords
Like real tears they they work so hard for us
You only have to worry about one apartment. They have to worry about dozens.
Imagine that pressure.
And the one thing that they get to blow off steam
is fencing and you want to take that?
Every landlord and boss fences when you're not looking.
And I don't just mean when they get home.
I mean, anytime you're not looking.
I feel like that was really helpful. Do you agree?
Yeah, I think it kicked ass.
Okay.
I was just asking the one person,
but I should have been more clear 100%.
How, wait, how applicable is this to the rest of the audience?
Yeah, a bunch of people were like, huh,
there's some good stuff in there.
Some nice takeaways.
I mean, it's shop pudding for me, but yeah, it helps.
Pull that into a TED Talk and I will buy as much as you got.
If you guys...
I don't think TED Talk's about selling product, Dustin.
Although, who am I kidding? Capitalism.
Yeah, man.
You don't...
Do you...
I forget what I was gonna fucking say because of Travis's mug.
It's stupid. I just thought I could win people say because of Travis's mug. Stupid.
I just thought I could win people over
by shitting on Capitol.
Yeah, dog, in the laziest imaginable way.
Next question.
How do I-
Speaking of buying things.
How do I convince my mother to let me put
metallic dinosaur sculptures in our front yard?
She thinks they are ugly and tacky, but I think they are majestic.
We live in rural West Austin, so they could easily be seen as an eyesore, but I think they are fun.
Now Griffin tells me that rural West Austin, and God, he should know, because is a part of Chicago? I lived here for a little less than one year.
Is that correct?
Rural West Austin is part of Chicago or adjacent?
I mean, Austin is part of Chicago.
Okay, thank you.
Yes.
All right.
And would that location make it an eyesore
where it wouldn't be other places?
No, probably not.
No, probably not.
Brothers, how do I convince my mom
to let me put up at least one dinosaur sculpture to spruce up our yard?
That's from Delightful Dinosaurs in Dripping.
Everyone in your minds, I should take a second
to imagine what you think the question asker
is wanting to put up in their mom's yard.
And then Paul, if you could be so kind as to supply them.
They sent this picture in?
This is sent by them.
Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! They sent this picture in? This is sent by them. Now, now...
I have thoughts.
I don't know your mom, but...
Yeah, here's what I'll say.
If you listen to this later...
Oh boy.
It's, it's uh.
Like they made a tin man out of a dinosaur
and painted it shitty.
It's color blocked, it's got a red tummy
and a blue leg and blue skin.
And the rivets are bad.
Yeah, it's rusty.
It looks like someone threw it down the flight
of stairs of an old, old boat.
It does look like an old boat thing, yeah.
Old boat dinosaur.
The weld marks are gruesome.
Is this from, is this, did you make this?
Please say no, fuck.
Wait, shut up everyone.
Hey everyone, shut up.
Did you, hey, did you make this?
Awesome, fuck.
Awesome, okay great.
Oh shit.
Woo.
Wowzers!
That's not even dodging a bullet.
My heart is racing right now.
That's like somebody shot a bullet
and you kept your eyes closed saying,
did it hit me?
Yeah.
I agree with your mom that you should not put one,
let me finish. Let me finish!, let me finish.
Let me finish, just let me finish.
I agree with your mom that you should not put
one dinosaur in the yard.
You should not put one dinosaur in the yard.
Your mom's right, not one dinosaur should go in your yard.
Now, if you wanna put a lot of dinosaurs in your yard,
now you got something going.
Metal animals, we were talking about backstage,
they have a proud, strange tradition
and there's a lot of power wrapped up in them.
Like in Huntington, we have the pink elephant
and the pink giraffe at opposite ends in the city
and they help to keep everything in balance, right?
Yes.
They don't, they don't.
There's a ley line running of sweet West Virginia energy.
It's them to, to Belucifer.
To Belucifer.
In winter, about equidistant
betwixt my house and my in-laws house,
there is a large oxen with a bowler hat on.
And a jaunty scarf.
It goes to the fucking cloud bean here in Chicago,
which is a dog, people don't know this,
it was gonna be a dog,
but they didn't get to fucking finish it, man.
Cause of capitalism.
Travis.
So a whole garden of them though,
then you got a theme going.
Then you got a whole menagerie.
Counterpoint, you can do one really big.
Cause then it's a thing.
You just have one because listen,
I'm looking at this question asker to your mom's point.
There's no way that just naturally fits in
with whatever there is.
There's also no sense of scale.
It could be eight inches tall.
Yeah.
But if it's 12 feet tall,
now it's the rest of the yard's problem.
Can you shout, can you shout the number of feet tall this is?
Five feet!
That's, that's, hey, that's right.
I don't know what line, but that is right on the line.
Yeah. If it was, it's on the bubble, man.
I don't know in which direction.
If it was six, if it was six, now we've got something.
Six can stand on its own.
Six and up can be on its own.
Six gets turned into a poke stop.
Yes.
Five...
Six will get you to a geocache, at least a nano or a micro.
Five feels like a lack of commitment to six.
Could have been six.
Five looks like you're looking for a bad theme
park to donate it to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Five is seemed like fun at the store.
Yeah. Unless you get a bunch of fives and then it's all of a sudden you got a little
museum in your yard and that's cool. Or one one foot Ian Malcolm to go underneath that.
That's cool. Yeah. Create a whole tableau. I will say, this looks like maybe something
from the World Market Collection.
I would be surprised if they offered
an assortment of dinosaur varieties.
I think the wildest imaginable scenario
is you have 10 of this exact dinosaur in your yard.
All facing the same way.
Can you imagine?
Towards your house.
Oop.
Ha ha ha. With one inside already. And you're dead,
but it's fake. I finished, thank you for letting me finish that, because that would have been
really confusing if I just said you're dead. I appreciate that very much.
How about another question?
I have more, okay.
Hey, the questions were fucking great, y'all.
You did such a good job.
I am a herpetologist in training
and I catch a lot of reptiles and amphibians.
Some of them are five feet tall dinosaurs.
A while ago, I brought one of my catches
to my boyfriend's house and it got loose in his bedroom.
How do I stop this scenario from reoccurring?
Or...
I have a billion, thousand, trillion suggestions right off the bat.
But I got one big one.
Yeah, it says...
The next question is, or how should I handle it if it does again?
I'm going to amend that if to win,
considering you don't know the answer to the first question.
Or how should I handle it if it does again?
The snake was eventually found and it was non-venomous.
That's from Reptile Wrangler in Wisconsin.
Are you here?
Are you here?
Hi.
Now this is also important,
and I hadn't thought of this until hearing it out loud.
Boyfriend, are you here?
Okay. Okay. Now boyfriend, are you here? Okay.
Okay.
Now boyfriend, this is just yes or no answer context.
Were you alerted to the presence of the snake?
Huge, huge, the implications of this question
are enormous, boyfriend.
Before this occurred, before the animal escaped,
were you, you knew there was a chance.
You knew there was a chance. You knew there was a chance.
I like that.
So your partner at some point said,
I might bring a snake home.
Chance of snakes is just outside.
That's a great point also, Justin.
Maybe fewer in the city of Chicago.
But if a snake does need brought inside anywhere,
I would say big city, I see a snake outside,
they're safer in here.
I will say this, question asker for the future,
that is an extremely late time to put the word non-venomous.
And it should not be for future reference,
the very, very, very, very very very last word in the question
The implications as Griffin is fond of saying are huge of this word. You can't put it so low
It's gotta be earlier next time. You also did kind of sneak snake in there where you said I catch a lot of
Reptiles and amphibians. I brought one of my catches inside
Anyways, the snake was eventually caught.
Could have been a frog or a turtle.
No fucking way, man.
Every herpetologist who has ever gone into the field,
you know they did it because they were
just a fucking snake freak.
Wait, am I wrong?
I heard eight noise.
A lot of noises.
A lot of herpetologists in the audience.
Not a lot of hissing, though.
No.
No one gets into it for the fucking frogs, Travis.
Frog is an amateur's game!
A lot of us, when we're walking in the park
and someone brings their snake and they're like,
do you want to pet the snake?
And you say like, yeah, sure.
A lot of us do it and you're like,
that wasn't as weird as I thought it was gonna be.
But a lot of people are like, I only want to do that now.
There was one of my weirdest zoo going memories.
Yeah.
There was one time I was at the Cincinnati Zoo
and this guy had an albino, like boa constrictor thing.
Yeah.
He put it on my arms.
No thanks.
And he was like, yeah, hopefully for a second,
huh, I'm just gonna open up its little enclosure,
put it in.
And the key broke in the enclosure.
And the gentleman says,
ah man, just hold on a second.
And left!
What?
That's a fucking Travis.
You just got John Quineyres, dude, no way.
That's fucking great, dude.
It sounds like he got advice from a different advice podcast.
A funnier one, to be fair.
Dear nephews, I really would love to prank a kid.
I work as a zookeeper, mostly in snake department.
Yeah, I'm a nasty one.
Yeah.
I love these sque one. Yeah.
I love these squiggly guys.
I love the way they shwiggle and shwirm. I love it.
Yeah, I'm one of those.
You got me dead to rights.
I love how their tongue splits in twain.
They're perfect.
The little lies they eat a hamster so slow
you wouldn't believe it.
You can watch these things eat for weeks.
We just moved in our neighbor has a kid that mows lawns. That's there's something off in the word
usage in here somewhere. Yeah, our neighbor has a kid that mows lawns. Nose would maybe be a better
thing there. Nose a kid that mows lawns. No, our kid Has a kid that has a kid that my son but not like one might say they have a room
Okay, you're right. He has asked us several times. We have just recently moved in our neighbor has created a kid that yes that
He has asked us several times if we would like him to cut our lawns and we have rejected him and told him we really
Want to cut our own grass and we have rejected him and told him we really want to cut our own grass
and we just bought a new mower.
Well, I finally mowed and my lawn looks like shit
compared to what he does.
Brothers, what do I do?
The strip mowers remorse.
This fucking rules though.
Thank you for me.
Thank you.
This kicks ass.
Okay, wait, I have another context question
It's very important. Just shout it out one word answer. How old would you say this kid is?
Twelve that's the perfect answer. Thank you very much a good answer. Thanks old enough to have a childlike judgment. Yeah, I
Mean the kid might not give a shit about your lawn. The kid is like, kid lawn mowers, professionals,
they're like sharks, they have to always keep moving.
They can't, you can't be like,
no, I don't want you to cut my lawn.
And then they circle around, aw, shucks.
They have to move on to the next plant.
If the mowers often lose money,
they always have to be mowing.
Yes, exactly.
Like no matter where, they always have to stay in motion.
It depends on their grind set.
Yeah.
Because if they see the opportunity
to swoop in and say, huh, looks like shit.
Looks like shit.
Looks like shit.
Looks super shitty, huh?
Not as easy as it looks, huh?
Yeah, maybe we went to the professionals, Mr. Jordan.
Tell you what, why don't you let me dip in there
and see if I can't get a few more inches off the top there.
Let me just give a little clean up.
Just a little.
What kind of patterns you do?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This kid's gonna have to take you down, Peg.
I'm sorry, but that's gonna be the price you pay
for a great looking lawn,
is you're gonna have to be absolutely humiliated by this child. I mean, and that kid can be the price you pay for a great-looking lawn is you're gonna have to be absolutely
Humiliated by this child and that kid can name their price Yeah
Anything history has told us that eventually every event that takes place in our lives will be a kid taking us down a peg
Yeah, so get started now
So you're like used to it. Trav makes a good point though
You are absolutely paying more money than you would have had he not had to ask you seven times.
Before you came crawling back to him with your shabby lawn.
It's impossible.
What we're dealing with here is sabotage.
That kid psychically made me do a shitty job mowing my lawn.
Yeah, you flip it over and what? Where'd the blade go?
This is just a series of Pokemon cons taken together.
Making fwap fwap noises.
Hey listen, it's just us here.
If you did it on purpose
because you actually hate mowing the lawn
and this is a long con, it's okay.
This is a safe place.
You don't have to say anything,
but just know that I know, okay?
I will say this, I don't have a large yard,
neither does my neighbor, but he bought a riding lawnmower
and I don't have that.
And so it looks really fun for him to do it
and really hard for me to do it.
So sometimes I'll let my lawn go longer than I should
for hopes that he'll be like, do you just want me to do it?
And I would say, yeah.
But he loves riding that thing.
I bet he does, look how fun it is.
It does, you should ask him if you can have a turn.
No, I wouldn't trust myself with that, Justin.
He's asking for a turn.
I've gone too fast in a golf cart and almost flipped it.
I don't trust myself.
Imagine if I had killer blades on the bottom of a golf cart.
I'm gonna ask next time I come to your house
if I could just take it for one spin.
Hey Justin, no you won't, I know you.
I probably won't.
Yeah, I talk a big game, but you're welcome.
You wouldn't knock on your own neighbor's door to ask that?
Let alone my neighbors.
My teen grind set was to mow lawns one time.
It was our neighbor Tommy's house.
His dad hired me to cut his lawn.
This is a true story.
But our lawnmower sucked shit
and used fucking gasoline from the gas station.
Are you kidding me?
Anyway, to save costs, I got a push mower instead.
And so I went and mowed his lawn with a push mower.
Well, with no motor or nothing in it,
just the blades whirled about.
Well, your own natural athletic skill.
My note, and I only got about halfway up the yard,
it was like, that sucks, no way.
And I went home without saying anything to him.
And two weeks later, I went to his house like,
hey, I never did get paid.
I'll have my office send you an invoice,
a little conversation,
27% approximately of your yard that I did mow.
I'm pretty sure mowing is an all or nothing job.
I don't think that you get paid for the amount.
There was one beautiful patch of his yard.
Where- But that makes the rest of it look so bad.
Where a young boy did the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his entire life.
Thank you so much.
We'll be right back.
If you want to mix up your look, like, wait, mix it up like wear pants instead of a shirt
What? No. With shoes on your hands.
Not in some sort of zany detective way, but like a real way that real people do when they change their clothes
because they want a fresher look. But it's hard to know where to start, right?
Because you're the only you that you have. Whoa, wait, you can't just breeze past that, Justin.
You need an outside perspective.
Somebody to say-
A second you.
I see a future you, and that's Stitch Fix.
They got a stylist that are willing to work.
I shouldn't have said willing, but you get it.
A stylist.
Willing to look at your terrible body
and make choices for you.
And it took some convincing, sure.
Sure, of course.
No, they want to help you.
They want to help you to upgrade your wardrobe
with some pieces that are going to feel authentic to you,
but with a fresh new you kind of energy.
I love that, Justin.
You tell them your budget,
you tell them what kind of events you might have coming up,
what kind of garments you're in the market for.
They're going to send you a box.
You keep all this stuff you like.
And you keep the box.
We've never talked about that before.
That's true.
But hey, man, free box. It's a nice box. Good news never talked about that before. That's true. But hey man, free box.
It's a nice box.
Good news, good news for some cats.
There we got free box coming.
Free box.
Free box coming for ya.
But you're gonna hang on to a lot of those clothes I bet
because they're gonna get you,
they're just gonna understand you.
You got style that makes you feel as good as you look.
Get started today at stitchfix.com slash brother.
That's stitchfix.com slash brother, StitchFix.com slash brother. That's StitchFix.com slash brother, StitchFix.com slash brother.
We also want to tell you about Aura Frames.
I love my Aura Frame.
It sits right next to our front door.
We come back from a trip.
We come back from a day out with the kids.
We upload the photos right there.
And then they scroll through and then our kids pointed them
and go, is that me or Dottie?
And I'm like, that's you. We just put it there. And they go, is that me or Dottie? And I'm like, that's you, we just put it there.
And they go, is that me when I was younger?
And I say, yeah.
And they go, scroll back, this is a picture of you,
scroll back to a picture of me.
And I'm like, okay, you got it.
And that's why for you, a Nora frame is the perfect gift
for anyone you love.
Can you imagine trying to navigate that situation
with a paper?
Check this out, watch this right now. Boop, bo boop boop boop boop boop boop.
I just sent a photo to my mother-in-law's frame.
Literally in that amount of time,
I opened the app, shot her a new photo,
I took of the girls.
That's how quick and easy it is.
Amazing.
Fantastic.
Are you looking for a gift for a mother in your life?
Well, sure you are, because Mother's Day is coming up.
So let me recommend Aura Frames.
Also great for like graduations or birthdays.
Didn't they have a great deal for Mother's Day?
Trevor, I heard something about that.
They do, Justin.
Right now, Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day.
Listeners can save on the perfect gift
by visiting auraframes.com to get $30 off
plus free shipping on their best selling frame.
That's A-U-R-A, frames.com.
Use code mybrother, all one word.
Check out the save terms and conditions apply.
Hi, this is Biz and this is the final season of One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting.
This is going to be a year of celebrating all that makes this podcast and this community magical. I'm so glad that I found your podcast.
I just cannot thank you enough for just being the voice of reason
as I'm trying to figure all of this out.
Thank you and cheers to your incredible show
and the vision you had to provide this space for all of us.
This is still a show about life after giving life.
And yes, there will be swears.
You can find us on maximumfun.org.
And as always, you are doing a great job.
All right, class, tomorrow's exam will cover
the science of cosmic rays, the morals of art forgery,
and whether or not fish can drown.
Any questions? Yes, you in the back forgery, and whether or not fish can drown. Any questions?
Yes, you in the back.
Uh, what is this?
It's the podcast Let's Learn Everything!
Where we learn about science and a bit of everything else.
My name's Tom, I study cognitive and computer science,
but I'll also be your teacher for intermediate emojis.
My name's Caroline, and I did my masters in biodiversity conservation,
and I'll be teaching you intro to things the British Museum stole. My name's Ella. I did a PhD in stem cell biology. So obviously I'll be teaching
you the history of fan fiction. Class meets every other Thursday on Maximum Fun. So do I still get
credit for this? No. Obviously not. No. It's a podcast.
What?
This just came across, this just came across my desk.
This just came across my desk just now.
Holy crap. First image please. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Yeah!
No manufacturers markings that we see.
Negative energy shows signs of age.
Unsure of its composition.
Maybe a plaster type, but also looks like it may have had some type of hair.
Justin.
Juice!
Justin.
J-Dog!
Justin, read the title of the posting for the love of God.
Haunted paranormal creepy four inch doll face mask, huh?
Question mark, not nice, negative, evil?
Evil question mark?
Yeah, man.
I'll never forget when they made that death mask
of Steve Martin after he'd been burned in a fire.
We purchased this odd vessel online auction about a year and a half ago.
Seller had it listed as an evil entity.
They purchased it in a cult shop in Michigan.
In an occult shop or in a cult shop?
When we communicated, we tried only once.
We've all experienced the same feeling being outside our bodies, looking at what was going
on in the room.
Instead of actually being there.
No!
Holy shit!
Our daughter trying to see what she could feel.
Also being a sensitive, I picked it up as she did the burning sensation.
She felt through her arm, made her drop it back down.
She felt a rush go through her, and as she started to speak, she started choking uncontrollably
where she had to leave the room.
Took a few minutes, still having a hard time speaking. We told her whatever was
physically attacking her was not allowed. We gave it no permission to make
physical contact and as we decided to remove it two family photos fell off a
side table smashing the glass on each. Asking good or evil as we started to pack
things up we heard what sounded like the word in force. Our K2 kept flashing between yellow and red, and the melmeter rose quickly up to 1.5.
Our daughter and I being sensitive, we felt hatred, very uneasy.
We didn't want her to hear us.
As I said before, the chances are with attachments, they just don't like you, won't interact or
act out because of it.
Maybe react differently in a different environment, but we have no room to attempt negative activity among us.
We think it's negative and any unsure of evil.
We still start my bidding at just above the cost
of what I paid for the items,
as to cover the cost of selling.
Yeah, the cost of selling.
I don't believe in hiking them up.
The bidding is your decision.
And rehoming items is my goal.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're on eBay.
Yeah.
Yeah, you are on eBay though.
My favorite part of every child's play movie
is when the parents are like,
we did spend a lot of money on that doll though.
Yeah, mom and dad just throwing it on fire.
Hey, can we go back to the inside of the mask picture?
Thanks.
Yes.
Hey guys, hey gang, I can smell that image.
Hey Paul, this is all well and good,
but I'm ready to meet Todd.
I don't think Todd's haunted guys.
This, I want to read this one verbatim.
This is Todd.
He is a trickster.
Loves to play pranks and trick people.
He loves his pet flashlight.
He will have you going around in circles.
He does move his vessel.
It is very slight from what I have seen.
You wouldn't even know he moved it.
But he'll...ak his knee.
But I know, but I can tell he moved it.
I would definitely take a picture to see how exactly he was placed.
If you love pranks, you-
And who the fuck does that?
If you love pranks, you and him would definitely get along.
Definitely-
This doll loves YouTube.
Listen, listen.
I would, if you love pranks,
you and him would definitely get along.
Definitely needs a keeper who doesn't mind pranks.
I would definitely recommend setting boundaries
on how far he can go with the pranks.
Yeah, man.
Hey, I can't stress enough. That's true
whether we're talking about dolls or friends. But especially Travis. Yeah. Not
dolls. Todd. Todd. I don't feel positive energy from him, but I also don't feel
negative energy from him. is only there was a word
He is definitely an interesting spirit to get to know wait
Todd's only a green but the red also looks illuminated Todd's all over the fucking place man
It's because he's not negative or positive right he's
Negative hey speaking in neutral spirits, let's meet another one.
Now listen, you know I love neutral Roberta.
She is my doll that I keep at home.
No, she's my doll.
You got neutral Roberta?
Yeah, Griffin?
Damn.
You sent me!
This is embarrassing.
No, I don't!
It's just, listen, it's just neutral spirit named Bob.
No, hold on. Okay. I have a neutral spirit in my home, sir, and it's just neutral spirit. No, hold on. Okay.
I have a neutral spirit in my home, sir,
and that is no neutral spirit.
No, it's a neutral spirit.
It looks like a kind of a floppy clown
if you can't see the picture.
It's a neutral spirit.
Now, everyone, think of a question in your mind.
Help me out.
Think of a question in your mind.
You're looking at this doll.
You have one question in your mind. Help me out. Think of a question in your mind. You're looking at this doll. You have one question in your mind. Think of that question. Have
that one question and I'm gonna answer it for you with the very first line
which gives you the most important information. Great. I, folks.
As a description of an item that you are selling that is one of the sort of more wild ways
to I'm unsure of Bobby's gender as it hasn't really given me a clear answer to that question,
though not necessarily harmful.
This spirit is a major trickster.
So beware of that.
Is something going on in the spiritual plane
that we need to be concerned about?
Now this is where things-
Can I also say when someone's talking
about a neutral thing to me,
rarely is the word beware associated.
Yeah.
So it definitely seems to favor women over men.
I don't know if it's due to possible trauma
or is a simple preference.
What the fuck are they doing in this fucking
sale description?
It's just buyer beware, I guess.
I don't know.
I just know the spirit goes haywire
when my husband is near the vessel.
Why are you so concerned about this?
Cause they want to brag how hot their husband is.
I get it.
Wait, haywire to you is like, ooh la la.
Yeah, right.
It can be a bit uncooperative when trying to communicate
with like many, like many animal objects you'll find
that it is a little bit uncooperative
on the conversation front.
The vessel itself isn't in the best conditions.
The neck seems to be quote, broken.
Do you think it's a haunted doll of a haunted doll?
That's, you don't need to describe it that way
ever in a million years.
I never would have looked at that thought.
I hope the neck's unbroken.
But to be fair, if you were gonna haunt a vessel,
Lastly is one of my favorites I've ever covered
and I might buy them.
Holy shit.
Is it just a race horse?
I'm gonna read you all of Hugo's description
so everybody can fall in love with Hugo.
Is Hugo weaving?
Hugo is probably, all these are probably still for sale.
Oh yeah!
Hugo is a little, he looks like a little
raccoon kinda Ewok kinda guy, I guess.
What the fuck did you say he looked like?
He looks like a chihuahua bandit.
Okay, he looks like a chihuahua bandit, whatever.
Okay, so here's the description on Hugo. He looks like Magit, whatever. Okay, so here's the description on Hugo.
He looks like Magwai's superhero.
Okay, here's the description on Hugo.
I love him!
Fuck you, Griffin, that's a villain.
That's a thief, look at the thief mask.
No, I like him.
I wanna pet him.
Griffin, you're drawn to a bad boy.
I wanna pet him.
How much is he?
That's a chihuahua that seals things.
He's probably already been sold.
Listen, Hugo is here and there and seems to be everywhere.
That's great!
Sometimes he is nowhere to be found and just likes to watch.
If you are leaving the house...
We've turned the corner on Hugo. You dropped the fucking bag spirit of Hugo
If you're leaving the house, he just wants to come with he is a little fellow
Easy loves perching on top of statue. I like him again
I like he is a little fellow like him again easy to travel with and that's the whole description
That's it. They don't even act like it's haunted
It's just this thing's name is Hugo, and it's here there and everywhere. Yeah
Yeah
I'm coming around on you Paul
Of course, it's a mask Travis Paul quick
I need you to lock these files on your hard drive so they can't accidentally be deleted
I need you to save all these files Paul. I fucking love Hugo. He's everywhere. That's their entire
description, by the way. That's all we know about Hugo. He may not even be
haunted in retrospect. This might just be a cool doll. It might just be a cool dog.
And that is your haunted doll watch, Chicago. Chicago, Chicago. We are going to
ask some people to come down to the microphone here,
center stage, right in front of God and everyone.
Hi.
Okay.
I'm Morgan.
My pronouns are she hers.
Later this summer, I'm donating a kidney.
Thank you.
And for money, she's selling it.
Sorry, go ahead.
And to your own body, right?
Not just one of lying around to a guy I met on a different podcast.
Oh, but the tradition at the hospital rush where I'm donating is that they do a little
like hero walk where you're in a hallway and there's all these people
lined up and they clap at you.
And I hate it.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Of course.
Yeah.
You haven't done it before, right?
Because Morgan.
Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, Morgan, if you've done this kidney donation walk before, do
not do it a second time.
Yeah.
But I'm the kind of person who donates a kidney to a stranger, so I don't want to say no and make them sad.
Right, of course. No, you can't say no because people are going to clap at you, Morgan. That's fucking wild.
So, what are some cool things I can say while they walk me down this aisle and they clap at me?
Morgan, let's start with this. Second time's the charm.
We'll just build off of...
Morgan,
you're the one giving a kidney.
You can ask for
whatever the fuck you want.
Stop! Hey, how about this?
Stop fucking clapping!
This is weird. No one look at me!
As to be carried in a fucking Egyptian litter
with curtains on the side
so you don't have to see the duo kidney peons
standing on the sides.
Send a fake Morgan down the line.
You're the one giving the kidney.
That's a really good point, Chad.
I think it would be amazing if you pushed one person over.
In that exact moment, you see someone standing
in your trash can, looks like a real poindexter, right?
And you walk past them and they're like, kidneys.
And then you just give them a tough shove.
Yeah.
A little cold one right into the recycling bin.
That'd be amazing.
Any black, big old person is gonna say,
it balances out.
It's fair.
I've earned one.
I guess it was a misunderstanding.
And then as you're walking away,
it wasn't a misunderstanding.
I'm a jerk kidney donator.
You could go the opposite direction,
which is be fucking stoked out of your mind
as you walk down this receiving line of just like,
yeah, here it comes.
Here comes the meat.
And then in the end yell,
I'm so excited to get a kidney from someone.
Yeah.
Witness me.
Witness me, I'm about to be inside you.
I'm, hey, walk down, whistling to people,
I'm giving them the bad one.
Yeah.
Don't tell anyone.
That's the one.
That's the one I put all the bad shit in.
It's got a fucking stone in it.
Gotcha.
As you're going under, just tell the surgeon,
I've buried all the clues inside of me.
Best of luck. Best of luck, Dr. Man.
Oh, you're out.
And then there's gonna be some part where it's like,
I wonder if there are clues.
I guess a little poke around could hurt.
And then what's that they find in there?
A diamond.
Yeah.
That's the kidney stone you were talking about.
That's awesome.
I'm pretty sure I was the one who talked about it.
And there's Martin Short in a tiny ship. Whoa, wait now that's not what happened in the movie
No, it's absolutely not what happened in the movie interspace that nobody in this audience has seen. Oh
Fuck, sorry. Wow, Chicago. Okay, fucking interspace heads over here. Hey Morgan
Do you want to back out of this? Absolutely not. Okay, okay great this was your one chance to do it legally
Hey, hey Morgan. Have you thought about the fact that you're gonna have to walk back to your seat with a bunch of people plotting it
This is a once in a lifetime
Opportunity we're gonna fucking cancel it out.
Okay, no.
You're going to walk back to your seat
in complete silence.
No one make, and then you're going to decide
which you like better.
This is huge.
No, seriously, don't think like,
I wanna be the one person that fucking gets on the,
No. This'll be special.
This'll mean something someday.
Did that help?
Did that help, Morgan?
It did, I love it. Complete silence!
Thank you Morgan.
Go.
Shhh.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Charlie.
Hi Charlie.
He, him, is cool.
I work at an ice rink.
Okay.
That's a little while from here
and I work as a Zamboni driver.
Cool.
I just want to say Charlie,
you did put in your question that you drive a Zamboni if
you didn't work at an ice rink.
Yes.
I would be confused.
Freelance street Zamboni artist.
Yeah, we sometimes do get in a lot of trouble for that.
It would be cool to see a Zamboni driving down the street and the winner like, oh, here
it goes.
To be honest, that is how you transport them
to screen ice rinks.
I was gonna say, how do you get a Zamboni
from one place to the other, yeah.
Well, anyway, the point is I know very little about hockey
and how do I interact with people that are hockey players,
big hockey fans?
Charlie, you mind treating me to a little bit of a bio
real quick on how one ends up driving a Zamboni?
Without being interested in hockey.
How do you just, you just like cold stuff or what's up?
Big, big round cold stuff, huh?
The non-funny answer is that it's also at a pool that I started working at first.
Okay.
And then-
How did that get broached though?
No.
Were they like, oh you're really good at taking care of the water.
How are you at driving large machinery
and smoothing things out?
What if the pool was colder and very dense?
Yeah.
But rough.
It needed some work.
It needed to be sliced off, yeah.
But yeah, basically they, the pool's only open
in the summer.
Yeah.
And so when- Indoor, outdoor? Outdoor pool, yeah. Outdoor, so an outdoor Z only open in the summer. Yeah. And so when-
Indoor, outdoor?
Outdoor pool, yeah.
Outdoor, so an outdoor Zamponi driver.
No, the pool is outside.
Now hold on, the ice rink is inside.
Oh no wait, so the pool, hold on, no, no, no, hold on.
No, no, no, everybody shut up.
Griffin thought the pool froze.
Oh yeah, we're so smart.
Griffin thought the pool froze
and everybody skated on it, guys.
Everybody shut up, listen.
That's you, by the way.
I'm the smartest, I didn't think the proof
was the ice rink in the winter.
Griffin was thinking like, this is really smart,
why isn't everybody doing this?
If it was an ice rink and I know Chicago gets cold,
but I don't think it's an ice rink,
outdoor ice rink, nine months out of the year.
If only there was someone we could ask.
Charlie stepped away from the mic right?
I don't blame Charlie.
Charlie said I'll let them have their moment.
Yes.
Sorry, Charlie.
So it's two different things.
Yeah.
Okay.
Kick ass.
Yeah, it's cool.
It's fun there.
My heart rate is very high right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're doing it just like driving a Zamboni, right?
Yeah, it is actually very...
Probably the first time I would think certainly.
Oh, it does get you do get used to it.
But it's still fun, though, I bet.
It's fun. Yeah, I bet.
But it's scary, too.
Yeah, you know, there's a big stinking blade in there.
Yeah, that's like really.
Yeah, similar.
Wait, hold on. Wait, I don't do a shitty job.
It's scary when you do the Zamboni for you? Well... No judgment, I'm curious.
Yeah, like a little bit because they...
It's got the big blade in it.
You can't really see it, but it's there.
Yeah, secret blade.
I would hope so.
I have to do it while there are also people on the ice still.
Oh no, wow.
Hey, Charlie, have you ever thought about the fact
that you are able to hold a bunch of motherfuckers' lives in your hands?
And that doesn't stress you out,
but faking an interest in hockey is, like, too much.
Your eyes cold, literally, Charlie.
What do you care?
Similar question, Charlie.
Sure.
Say you were a Zamboni driver for 70 years.
Okay.
In that 70 years, you kill one person.
Okay.
Yeah.
That seems pretty good to me, statistically. Will they years you kill one person. Okay. Yeah, that seems pretty good to me statistically
Will they give you that one? I'm assuming it would be at the end of the seven years
That's you that seems like it would be a good time for a tire. Yeah
For probably yeah, oh, I'm not very much a very cold watch
Charlie do you so do you live here in Chicago?
Yeah, it's suburban.
Okay, I mean, are you interested at all in hockey?
Kind of.
You could get on board with the world's fucking worst hockey team ever.
Yeah.
Oh!
Okay, now hold on. Hold on.
Chicagoan friends, I'm very sorry that I left Griffin here.
Hey everybody, just try to keep in mind
that was Toad saying that.
How much do they know about Zamboni?
Usually very little.
There you go!
You don't have to know about their world,
they don't know about yours.
And one of you could kill the other one easily.
Yeah, with their giant ice tank.
They have tiny blades on their feet.
You have a giant blade under your giant tank.
Practice this.
OK.
I can't hear you, Zamboni.
Yeah.
That even works.
So loud.
That works when you're not on the Zamboni.
You can be like, I just finished up on the Zamboni.
That shit's real loud.
So I'll talk to you about hockey tomorrow.
I'll also give you this.
I saw this recently as a thing that you can say
in response to anything anyone says to you,
whether you know about it or not.
Yeah, can you believe it?
Oh, okay.
Cause then they're like, oh, did you see that trade for the hockey team just made? Yeah, can you believe it? Oh, okay. Cause then they're like, oh, did you see that trade for the hockey team just made?
Yeah, can you believe it?
Oh, did you see the game last night?
Yeah, can you believe it?
This is it.
It sounds so specific,
and yet it's the most nothing ever.
Okay, there's another solid technique
where you could just repeat the last three words
the person said.
And this always works 100% of the time
in any conversation.
So Griffin, please talk to Charlie about like,
something general, like what kind of hot seat,
like don't ask him questions.
Just say something about hot seats.
So there's a child prodigy named Connor Bedard.
He plays with children.
Okay, no way, you have to take breaks.
Okay, so say that first sentence.
There's a child prodigy, Connor Bedard.
Child prodigy, Connor Bedard. Child prodigy, Connor Bedard.
That's four words, but that's fine, that's fine.
Yeah, that's, yeah, yeah.
You might want to make it a question.
Like, not just repeat the word.
Okay, Connor Bedard?
He had an oopsie-
Instruction's unclear, do we start over?
He had an oopsie-daisy fall down.
Okay, oh he fell down, did it hurt?
That was so much more than three words, Charlie.
I can't believe you're struggling with this so much all right one more try go ahead
Griffith something about hockey he got a boo-boo on his mouth and had to become
big soup fan big soup fan yes yes that's great exactly big soup fan
I'm like who and I'm like fucking Charlie knows hockey, man. Yeah, yeah.
Or yeah, if you want to fake, you know like,
big soup fan.
Well, you know, like our, Charlie does that?
Big soup fan.
Does that help, Charlie?
Yes, it does.
Thanks so much. Oh my gosh.
Oh my god.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Please be calm.
Not a stranger coming down to take over the show.
Hi.
Hello.
I'm Callum.
I use they them pronouns.
Hi Callum.
So I am a snack person.
I cannot go about my life hangry.
This is a consistent problem for me.
Right.
This is a wonderful framing of this question because I know what the question is Callum.
Go on.
Yeah, my question is, is it socially acceptable to let's say bring a thermos of hot dogs out and
either do I keep this for myself? Should I offer to share?
Right.
No, please don't interrupt Callum. Say it again. Social or?
Like personal, private hot dogs. Or? No, please don't interrupt Callum. Say it again, social or?
Like personal, private hot dogs.
Or?
Private hot dogs and hot dogs for money.
Personal hot dogs are a fun concept
that Callum invented while writing this email
and then said, yeah, sounds like something that exists.
Send.
Callum, here's what I love about this.
I am a parent, I have two children,
who I often have to pack snacks for.
When we go places, never, ever, have I thought,
ah, okay, maybe like a little baggie of goldfish.
Okay, yeah, maybe some mini muffins,
a thermos of hot dogs.
But at the same time, I have put some shit into bento boxes that had no fucking business
being there.
But here's what I want to focus on Callum, and here's what I loved about the question.
Which do I love more?
The idea of someone cracking open the thermos of hot dogs and going, sorry, these are just for me.
Or, yeah, oh, I'm being so rude, hot dog.
Both are unfathomable.
But here's the thing, at most, I'm consuming two hot dogs
before I'm thinking about my actions.
Yeah, yeah.
But if you've prepped six or more hot dogs
for an occasion in a thermos, you thought.
No, no, no, no, it's not, you're not prep,
correct me if I'm wrong, you're not prepping six,
you're not getting six dogs deep in the thermos
for one occasion, That's a day.
You might have a breakfast dog or two
and then lunchtime, the thermos is still doing its job.
Tell him, are you packing a meal or are you having a snack?
Is this an emergency revolver of hot dogs?
Do you have some wieners chambered? Do you have breakfast sausages in there
and then a more of a lunchtime sausage? And then maybe a Brawler's to finish off
the evening and then a dessert sausage. I this is where I get into is this a group
or a private thing because I have just one on deck for me yeah we're raising heads but if I
get the gang and we're all going to town.
Well now hold on.
Callum stop it. You know what you've done and it's ridiculous.
Your question presupposes should I bring hot dogs to share? Not should I get a
bunch of fucking hot dog accomplices to come eat these meats in the wrong way in a party setting?
Here's the thing, Callum, that presupposes you've texted,
as you put it, the gang, and said,
hey everyone, who's bringing the thermos
full of hot dogs this time?
Psych, it's me, Callum, as always. I've already ruined this one. It's not like I'm
putting coffee in it after this. I have the thermos that smells weird. I do want to say, you said if you
had go on a private hot dog adventure, you'll turn heads. There's a lack of creativity in that statement
and that you could go into a nearby bathroom or something to do your business.
That's worse and you fucking know it.
If you go to shoot up hot dogs and...
You know that that is a problem in and of itself.
Yeah, but no one has to know, right, Callum?
It's just a hot dog or two,
or you didn't even have to go to the bathroom,
you got the thermos right there,
like you could be like, yum, yum, time to coffee.
Ah, yum, yum, yum.
Seems like some thick coffee.
Yeah, I don't know what sound you make
while eating a hot dog discreetly from a thermos,
but apparently it's groaned over.
Work and shade groan.
Ah, ah, ah. This kicks ass, Callum. discreetly through a thermos, but apparently it's grog. Work and shade groan.
This kicks ass, Callum.
Yes, it's not, okay, to answer your question.
No, it's not socially acceptable.
Now, today, there's no trailblazers.
But you know, we used to think that the sun
went around the earth.
Thank you, Travis, thank you.
Thank you. Callum, does that answer your question? Yeah, that answers the question. Thank you, Travis, thank you.
Callum, does that answer your question? Yeah, that answers the question.
Thank you so much.
I love that question so much.
Do we have Titus?
Titus, Titus.
Titus?
Yeah, oh, jump from the stairs.
Oh, great Titus, good.
I bet you're surprised to be up here, huh?
Titus.
Very surprised.
Okay.
Yeah.
Alright.
Hey folks, we got four emails in a sequence from Titus.
Alright, listen.
Titus.
This is not us putting you on blast Titus.
We had a real good time reading your emails backstage.
Titus, you know that this is from a place of love, right?
Yeah, it's a place.
Griffin.
I hope you guys laugh so much.
That was so good.
So here's Titus's four emails.
By the way, I've memorized the first one
cause it was blank.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Email one.
Email one.
Wait, hold on Titus.
Are you having a good time tonight?
I'm having a very good time tonight.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
Email one, blank.
Email two, I won half of a sectomy.
You won oh three.
Email three, sorry, I meant you two oh six.
Okay, now hold on.
You put in a seat number that was half
of your actual seat number.
Now you didn't get one number wrong,
you put half of what your actual seat number was.
You did division and fucked up.
Were you too focused on the half of the sex in me part?
No, I realized I was sitting in the wrong seat after I sent the email.
So it wasn't Titus, my original assumption that you were counting 103 per testicle. So you sent the first email from...
And then you were worried.
Titus, then you were worried that a different Titus in U103 would have a testicle-related
question.
One testicle.
And there would be a confusion.
Yeah. Okay. Very a confusion. Yeah, okay
I'm sorry, so okay blank. I won half of a sex me you 103. Sorry
I meant you 206 fourth email also. I'm Titus sick show by the way
And this is how you do it
Yeah, Titus. We don't actually have any advice for you Titus. We just want to go up and say thank you.
No, I-I-I do have one question.
How did you win it?
I have like 55 fucking questions. How do you not have more than one?
Oh boy, do I have a story for you.
Mr. Beast!
Was it Mr. Beast?
It was not Mr. Beast.
Did you win and I won a Mr. Beast diabolical games?
Did it start off? The winner doesn't have to get a vasectomy second place. Two players win first prize and have to share it. It was
at one of my jobs they had an event and it's the only art house theater in the
entire state so a lot of different people will contribute different things
for charity and for some reason this doctor who has done I've done my research over 4,000 non non scalpel vasectomies decided to donate half of a
vasectomy that is worth $800 you have to pay the other half that's good
business I say I would spring for this oh Oh, don't worry. That's remarkable value, and I'm pretty much done
with that whole department.
Hey, can I say, 50-50 odds, better.
Can you get, just have a.
No, I don't think the doctor was offering one.
I don't think that's how that works.
I'm not a doctor.
Hey, I've had one, have you?
Whoa.
I don't want to know the answer to that question.
Don't answer that question.
I don't want to know the answer to that question. Don't answer that question. I don't want to know the answer to that question.
Thank you.
Well, I didn't win it in the raffle,
but later that night there was a contest
and the vasectomy was untaken and I won that contest.
And they're like, you could choose from the raffle prizes.
So I outlawed in front of the other fucking options titles.
Nothing as funny as half of a vasectomy that was announced by a drag queen in front of a whole bunch of old people.
Yeah, no, that's fucking great.
I looked at them and I said, I'll take the half of a vasectomy and nobody laughed!
Oh, okay, listen. Titus, I'm going to tell you right now, you're funnier than the three of us put together for that.
It's a good play. Titus, thank you so much. I hope we tell you right now you're funnier than the three of us put together for that It's a good play Titus. Thank you so much. I hope we helped you. Oh, yes, you did
Thank you. Enjoy your house. Thanks Titus. You're at your own
This is a really thank you coming out tonight a good time. Thank you to the Riviera for having us. Thank you, Chicago a
for having us. Thank you Chicago. A lot of, just a lot of thanks up here tonight. Thanks to Paul and Rachel and Amanda and our dad,
Clint McElroy. There's the poster by Cynthia Sularis. Thank you so much. Check it out in the lobby.
It's beautiful and we signed some of them. Hey, y'all, we've got a new way to finish out the show
that we've never tried because y'all are the first stop
in our 20 fungalore tour.
We've started submitting wishes to fungalore
at the end of our episodes.
Fungalore is a benevolent mushroom guy
who grants wishes sometimes.
Well, no, not benevolent.
I would say ambivalent.
Ambivalent mushroom guy.
Because he does not grant.
He does hear them though.
He hears your wishes for sure.
And can I say, as the person who goes through the questions
and the wishes.
Please clear this up.
A lot of you are asking Fungalore to grant wishes.
Fungalore does not grant wishes.
No.
He simply hears them.
He detects desire.
He is the US Postal Service.
Yes.
To Santa Claus.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Okay.
So, we said our thank yous.
Thank you so much.
Come see us at the CCD.
Did we say thanks to Montaigne for the use of our theme song,
How Life Is Better With You?
I don't think we did.
Can we get you all to create a gentle soundbath?
Gentle, there's a lot of gentle.
A gentle soundbath.
It doesn't have to be uniform.
No, but if you do want to harmonize
and make it sound like we're at a cool concert or something.
I'll get you started.
Ha ha.
Go ahead.
Let's hear it.
Okay, you boys stop.
That's perfect.
Keep going, don't be afraid.
We're all in this together.
No, don't.
I wish that candy corn didn't make you feel like that afterwards.
I wish my dog would stop acting like I'm the villain when I put on his harness.
I wish I was the type of person that buys tastier gummy vitamins.
Please make my father stop bringing home deli-sized logs of salami.
I wish my dad would stop buying china cabinets.
Please, please let me do one, one hit at work
with the giant blow-up Tootsie Pop.
I wish the children at the library would stop asking
if we have Roblox on the computers.
I wish that bugs were slightly bigger
so that I wouldn't have to worry about losing track of them.
It would also be kind of cool.
Fungalore, please make them put the rat hole back.
My name is Justin McElroy.
I'm Travis McElroy.
This has been my brother, my brother, my brother, my brother.
Make his dude ass square on the left.
It's better with you. My life, oh, it's better. the lips! Ah, it's better, it's better with two by one
Ah, it's better with you