Not Another D&D Podcast - Adventure Book Theatre: Olaf's Frooze Your Own Adventure (Caldwell's Frozen Fan Fic)
Episode Date: January 18, 2024Having been forced to watch every Frozen movie multiple times, Caldwell decided to perform a mental exorcism on himself in the form of a fake Choose-Your-Own-Adventure from the 90’s. So com...e listen as the Book Buds (and Interim Guest Jake Hurwitz) join Olaf and the gang for a frozen adventure of their own making!LINK TO CALDWELL'S FULL FAN FICTION - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UT4qx3_3NHggP7eXKGYeoRXcHQ2Mxec59iP8fjjO38k/edit?usp=sharingAlso, Caldwell wrote way WAAAAY too many pages for this episode, so be sure to subscribe to our Patreon or our NaddPod+ on Apple to hear part two!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor Lyon8-Bit Book Club Theme by Emily AxfordSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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B-A-W-P-A-W. Go buy his smoothies. This is a Headgun Podcast. The podcast about that book.
Welcome to Ape at Book Club,
the only book club that makes you dumber.
Dumb dumb.
Dumb dumb.
We are your Lord Lord's,
Brian Murphy, Emily Axford, and called Walt Tanner.
And of course, joined for,
first time ever, Jake Hurwis,
thank you for coming by, man.
Gosh, coming out of the cold.
Pleasure to be here.
Thank you for having me.
Really nice, of course.
Really, really cool.
Yeah, I really hope it gets to release this one.
We kind of do like a trial recording with all of our guests.
You just record and you don't necessarily release that.
We've thrown out a lot of A-Pid Book Clubs.
That's why the audience, you guys might hear a lot of times
Jaykel act like he's been on A-Bit Book Club before and you're probably confused.
And it's because technically he has,
but we throw out all of the episodes.
Wow.
Yeah, she just tossed it out.
All right.
It tossed.
I'm gonna bring it this one.
I want to make sure that this one gets widely released.
Yeah, something's fell off on the last few of them.
I just, I called a cutting room floor,
but I can't even see the floor anymore.
Yeah.
Too much tape down there, you know?
This time we have something a little special called
Well, essentially has written fan fiction.
That's a nice way to frame it.
Yeah.
Fanfiction implies that like maybe someone will enjoy it.
Okay.
I'm going to enjoy it.
All right, is this another episode
for the cutting room floor? No, Jake, we're so sorry, man. Sorry'm going to enjoy it. All right, this is another episode for the cutting room floor.
No, Jake, we're so sorry, man.
Sorry, man, it's just not working out.
Yeah, I'm kind of, you're pushing.
I'm calling it so early,
that I record the entire thing anyway.
It's just, you're looking at me
while I'm trying to speak, and I don't like that.
Yeah, totally.
I'll shut my eyes.
So, yes, this is technically fanfiction.
I would say this is inspired by the fact
that we've read a lot of
Choose your own adventure books and I thought it'd be fun to take a crack at the format, you know
I we've got a vibe at this point. Yeah, how well floated this idea and I grabbed onto it and sunk it into reality right
Perfect metaphor
Honestly, I think you everyone should blame Emily for this because she responded so positively.
I really did.
Yeah, that's true.
Do you guys think we've read more to zero in adventure books than real books?
Speak for yourself, babe.
I'm an avid reader.
Yes.
That is actually a perfect transition, though, because speaking of things you've enjoyed
more than things you actually enjoyed, I have watched Frozen, Unfrozen 2,
and of course, the Christmas special,
Olaf's Frozen Adventure, as well as Olaf presents,
and who would be remiss if not to include Frozen Fever,
the short where Elsa gets a cold.
I've seen them all.
Okay, four.
I did not know three of those things existed.
But it makes sense.
Frozen Fever absolutely sounds ex-rated.
There's a couple of moments if you really let your imagination run wild where you can see that happening.
I've seen all of these films in shorts more than I've seen anything that I actually
enjoy in my life.
That makes sense, yeah.
Yeah, because I have a, for a full disclosure, I have a three-year-old daughter.
Before when I watched it, it was just, yeah.
Sorry to keep you from hanging.
That's where you're telling us.
Sorry.
You have for a couple months.
It's so late at the office.
I just, every time I say, hey, I need to pick up Sid
from school, what did you think I met?
I thought you were a manny.
I thought you were playing Final Fantasy VII.
I thought you were talking about Sid Highwood.
It's of course who she's named for.
She's not, it's someone's uncle.
It's my wife's uncle.
I don't know why I made that for you.
It's a random person's uncle.
There are, yeah.
That makes sense.
So anyway, before when I would watch a lot of animated movies,
it's just because I'm a weirdo, but now I have kind of a built-in excuse for it.
And I feel like it's been kind of like a karma curse
where I've just had to watch Frozen and Frozen too.
Do you think you've seen it 20 times?
I think we're pushing 20 easily.
Like, have I been in the room while it's been playing 20 times?
Yes, absolutely.
I think of like sat down and fully watched
Frozen and or Frozen too, at least 10 times at this point.
And do you feel frozen like in your life?
You're like a trap, like you're stuck.
Yes, I do, but I feel like the uplifting stories that Anna and Elsa and Christoph and Sven
and of course Olaf have to tell us really they help me get through the slog.
That makes sense, yeah.
You're frozen, but you're in your ice palace.
Right.
Exactly. I'm in an ice palace. Right. Exactly.
I'm in an ice palace of my own volition. And will my sister come and rescue me someday?
Who knows?
Curly, I'm there, though.
So anyway, I combined my love is the wrong word.
My knowledge.
Knowledge, attachment, yeah.
Association.
My association with the frozen.
Which we do have a deep association with
frozen because of all of the Olaf conspiracy theories really that we've been pushing.
Yes, and I feel like this is kind of the final chapter in that. This is the the nail and the
coffin of Olaf. But you were also saying that like you've had to watch it so much but you feel like
your daughter's starting to move
out of this obsession.
And so you said this was like a purging as well.
I think so.
And also just watching these movies so many times,
I've felt the urge to kind of rewrite them
and think about how they could be different.
And I thought that a Chusauron adventure format
would be perfect for that, perfect.
I'm kind of envisioning this as like,
what if there was a forgotten 90s Chusauron adventure about Frozen, that kind of ising this is like what if there was a forgotten 90s choose your own adventure
about Frozen that kind of is about Frozen but then take some weird detours and diverges
from the film lore in specific and strange ways. Interesting. I should do a choose your
own adventure for Dr. Evil and Austin Powers. I would love that. Go ahead. I would go ahead. So let's get started. Hold on, let's workshop. Okay. Okay.
Okay, so yes, without further ado, I would like to present
to everybody Olaf's Frues, your own adventure.
A carful, tanner, frozen fanfiction.
You didn't use a pen name for this one.
I thought about it.
I had like a moment where I was like, should I present this like I found some other
author's work?
And I was like, no, no, no.
They're going to know for a small.
And secondly, I like this needs to be true.
This needs to be from the heart.
Yeah, yeah.
I have to show myself as Elsa learns in person too.
Emily's got her T-pot at the ready.
So do you want to just pour that right in the middle? Yeah let's get that. This is like instead of ringing the bell
at the stock exchange this is how you know it's time to record. I'm in a big mug so it's gonna
the entire pass gonna pour into one. Oh good argue that this could be done before recording
start split. I still had some sips left. Emily wait if the entire thing fits into the mug from the
teapot why don't you just the mug from the teapot,
why don't you just suck it from the teapot?
There's got a little spell down there. It's like a straw, essentially.
Um, that's a really interesting idea, and I think that I would spill hot tea all over myself.
Interesting, interesting.
And perhaps enjoy the tealas.
Okay, I mean,
I do love that novel thinking.
Yeah, maybe one of these days we can get a little tea cam and release that.
Ha, ha, ha, yeah.
With ideas like that, I can't wait to hear this.
Yeah.
Suck in it right out of your spout.
Here we go.
Are you all ready?
Let's do it.
Yes.
Page one of, I'm not going to tell you how many because it's embarrassing.
Okay.
Crunch.
Your skis land in the powder soft snow.
We're all due in a maculet star.
You have to let them read five words.
Are you kidding me?
No, that's not such a truth.
All of the adventure books we read, that was a perfect thing.
We don't know.
Yeah, we're worth it.
I'm sorry.
I can tell the difference between this book and any other one.
I'm sorry, move.
Do you not have time to compliment our
friends?
I do have time, but I would like to hear the words.
Let's finish the compliments.
All right, we've poured our tea.
We've complimented Kaldo on his first three words.
Let's try to get three sentences.
All right, crunch.
Your ski's land and the power.
Okay, hang on, that was awesome.
Can I just say, just, that was fantastic.
Thank you.
I didn't hear what that said, a big tab.
Now, it took me two days to write.
Okay, go ahead.
As you hop down from the ski lift
and glide over to the trail map,
where your best friend, Jack's hamstink,
is packing a huge snowball with your name on it.
Can I do an investigation check on Jack hamstink? Absolutely, Jack's with stink is packing a huge snowball with your name on it. Can I do an investigation check on Jack ham stink?
Absolutely, it's Jack's with an ex actually.
Jack's ham stink.
Jack's ham stink, I got a 16.
Forgive me for not getting this joke.
What is this a reference to?
Jack's ham stink?
Jack's ham stink.
It's just a good name.
Just a good name.
Okay, well, so mostly writers, you might not know this, Murph.
Writers when they're like coming up with stuff in the world,
they kind of like pull inspiration from things they really know.
So I'm like, what's kind of a silly name?
And I was like, Jake, her wits, Jack, hamsteam.
Oh, okay.
This is no way to treat it again.
So it's all pulled from real life actually.
Hamsteam, got it.
Okay, so I thought this was a great name until a second. I got a 16 on my investigation check of Jack's hamstank. Okay. Well, Jack's is your best friend since first grade
Yeah, you and Jack's have always been inseparable. Jack's a bit of a wild man though. I lean in for his
Okay, yeah, well he's packing a huge snowball, so you're gonna like ski into the snowball?
Embarrassing.
How old are we in this one?
Yeah.
You gotta hold your horses, man.
Ah!
All would be revealed.
Yeah.
Hamstink is packing a huge snowball with your name on it.
He grins, then chucks it in your direction.
You dodge at the last minute,
then spray slush all over his snowboard as you skid to
a stop.
This is good old fashioned 90s fun.
Exactly.
Condole capture the voice perfectly.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Two more compliments then we can move on.
The protagonist is a little stinker, but it's all PG.
It's all in good fun.
It's all in good fun.
Pretty good fun.
We're all just having fun here.
What the heck, dude, you say?
What kind of birthday present is that?
You playfully shove jacks who grins and starts strapping on his snowboard.
That's his hot.
Yeah.
He is actually getting kind of hot.
It's actually cold because it's in the snow.
A playful shove.
That's just the beginning, retorts jacks.
I owe you a snowball for every year old you are today,
which would be he counts on his glove fingers,
then looks up confused.
Uh, wait, how old are you turning again?
35!
34, there you go.
Seven.
Lock it in.
Yeah.
Seriously, you say?
We've been best friends since Miss Grumpler's class in first grade,
and you still can't remember.
Back in the early 90s.
It's so weird they keep bringing that up man. It was so long ago.
That was so long ago to do. Right but it was like a big day for me.
I was the best man at your wedding. Bigger things have happened since
first grade. You're obsessed with Miss Grumpler. I don't remember her.
I'm in third age here 34 years old, AKA one year older than you, ya big baby.
Damn, Jackson's 33.
33 year old young heart, baby.
This is true.
Yeah, they don't know the world yet.
Yeah.
Their brains are still for me.
Their brains have only been formed for eight years.
They've got so much cartilage left in their skull.
Jackson shakes his head.
The jingle bells on his multicolor gesture hat jingling loudly.
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Could a baby beat you in a race down Widow's cliff?
What?
Jack's grins and gestures.
This sounds so dangerous.
Yeah, it sounds so dangerous.
Are we ready for this?
Let's find out.
Jack's grins and gestures to a ski trail with a menacing double black triangle.
Well, we're 34.
We gotta be careful here.
It's true.
I've only been skiing for two decades.
I know.
I'm ready for that.
I'm gonna go down the green.
I'm going down the green hill.
Go ahead and roll to see when the last time
you went skiing was.
Okay.
I got a 13.
I got eight.
Okay.
Oh, are we different people?
No.
Okay, okay.
So, let's just average out on our-
13 plus eight plus nine.
Okay, divided by three.
I'm not doing it.
It's been 10 years since you went skiing last.
Wow.
So your knees could be in trouble.
So we were 24, our brains weren't fully formed yet.
And we couldn't rent a car.
Oh, yeah.
All you could rent was a helmet,
so that your brain didn't get trashed,
as you went down this incredibly steep slope.
Okay, Jacks.
You go up.
You don't want today to be your last birthday ever,
but if you don't accept Jacks' challenge,
you'll never live it down.
That's true.
That's true.
This is such a toxic friendship
that we feel like we need to risk our lives.
Well, I think it's 34 and 33 year olds,
you have to take huge physical risks to impress your friends.
Well, it's also you know that your life is about to slow down,
like you're about to like lock into your path.
So you want to like get all of those like little last blast of joy
in spontaneity out of life.
Yeah, because we're 30th floor and we just landed our dream job.
Yeah, exactly, which is.
Analysts.
Consulting.
Consulting.
Yeah, you work consultant who consults on analystsing. Consulting.
We're a consultant who consults on analysts.
Yeah.
An analyst.
An analyst is consulting.
It's our passion.
I'm just going to start saying that's my job at parties.
And just see what people's reaction is.
I'm a consulting analyst.
Where are you going?
I'll tell you what I analyze.
All right.
So anyway, you have to decide if you want to accept Jackson's challenge.
Here are the choices.
Accept the challenge or refuse the race.
We have to.
Half-yeah.
All right.
Jackson remembers everything.
He's bringing up first grade.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he's not talking about his wedding, which is such a special night
Right, and that was like less than a year ago and he keeps talking so he's obsessed with us
So like at the little defeats with us. Yeah, he's living in first grade when he's supposed to be at his happiest
Also, I have to say I have to say that our like ever since we got the promotion
Yeah, like I thought this is what we've been chasing
and yet there's been a hollowness.
So I am feeling like that.
I feel like that.
I'm just happy to work out that we were dating Craig
when Jack's met Jessica and got married.
But it's kind of like what if Craig had cheated on us
earlier?
Yeah.
Mm hmm.
Wow sliding doors, but with your boyfriend cheating
on you sooner.
It's also just like, that's really interesting.
Jack's really hasn't brought up Jessica at all
this whole trip.
Yeah, which is great.
So let's accept this challenge,
but also just be like, by the way,
how's Jess doing?
How are things with Jess?
Right before you plot it, how are they?
And yeah, let's, and let's like,
on the low, something.
Yeah, on the low.
How's Jess doing?
She seemed kind of critical of you last time we hung out.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
That's good.
Jack's turns you, exhale deeply and says,
who you just focus on skiing, then?
Yeah.
That's all the confirmation we need.
OK.
OK, we're going to wait for the right moment
to tell Jack's that we feel hollow about our promotion.
Jack's points at the double black diamond sign.
It says, those are some diamonds I can appreciate.
Unlike Jessica, can't appreciate anything.
I hear you.
Wow.
That's messed up.
Yeah, anyway, let's get over that.
Jack, so you have a snowflake in your eye.
And then you just really delicately brushes in.
Oh, I'll do it here.
I'll do it here. I'll do it for you.
Also one of your gestures, one of your gestures.
I'll brush a gesture bell behind the gesture bell behind the scene.
Thanks.
Just a tiny little dangling.
And silent, and I'll have my breath catch my throat, because I can't close.
You know Jess hates this hat?
But I think she has bad taste. Yeah. But I think she has bad taste.
Yeah.
Well, actually, she has great taste.
You remember the wedding?
Yeah.
The flowers were stunning.
The stairwell.
The dream wasn't bad either.
And then I look off.
Stage three.
We almost slipped out of the lift.
Make a scene.
Wait, did we get back on the lift?
I mean, I had to take you that to get to the double black powder.
Now we're at the trail map.
Now we're going down the road.
Okay, well, we went back on it.
It was too romantic to not do that on the lift.
You scooted back to the lift and got on the wrong way.
It rode in jump off, rolled our ankle, and now we're ready to race.
Okay, great.
Yeah, you take one more loop around the lift and talk about your fraught relationships. And then're back over at widow's cliff. Okay, so we're still with Greg. I just need to go
We're thinking about it. We're thinking about he apologized. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he seems like he's changed. Yeah, yeah, right got it
Okay, yeah, it's a text was back all day
Services isn't great up here in the mountain. Yeah, sure good that
Could be that he was just quietly thinking about what he did. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. That's good. That's great.
I mean, surrounded by this much ice, you're just thinking
that everything's on the rocks.
Yeah. Wow.
Tell me about it.
It's so true, Jack.
You're so much deeper than Craig.
Page three.
You stay.
What is that?
What is that?
How do you do it, Frozen?
I think I know how it's gonna end.
I think I know how to get there.
I'm not worried.
Okay, yeah.
I'll wait for it.
I forgot to put anything about Frozen in here.
Okay.
You stare down Widow's cliff and gulp again.
Wow, putting the gulp in the context, right?
The slope is so sharp, you feel like if you tripped,
you'd fall off the earth itself.
Shiff, your hands quiver, but you clinch them into fists.
Sure, you're scared, but there's no way
you're gonna let Jacks know that.
If the other kids you know,
heard you can fest an emotional vulnerability
to a close male friend, they'd never let you hear
the end of this.
Yeah, this is true. It is the 90s. It's true. It's the 90s.
It's the 90s. It's the 90s.
And so you pull down your goggles, grit your teeth, and nudge your skis to the edge of the super steep trail.
We got this. It's fucking terrifying.
Looks easy, you say. And hey, just to make things interesting, winner gets to pick which soda's we drink at the party
tonight. Oh man. Okay let me buy you a drink. Yeah let me buy you a Mr. Pib. Whoa that's the
international sign. Yeah DTP down a Pib. Deal. Jack's licks his lips. I can taste the sprite, winter spice, cranberry, already.
You want to?
Don't get ahead of yourself.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See you later, pit boy.
What?
What?
I look furious.
I think of crags.
Yeah.
I see if I have any service on myself.
I need a media validation.
I need a media validation.
I need a media validation.
I need a media validation.
I need a media validation. I need a media validation. I need a media validation. I need a media validation. I need a beauty of validation. I need a beauty of validation. I need a beauty of validation. I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation.
I need a beauty of validation. I need a beauty of validation. I need a beauty of validation. I need a beauty of validation. I got a 19 person. Okay, I got a four.
Let's see.
Okay, so that's about it.
What is he got?
I think let's divide it by three.
Okay, so 23, so far.
Oh, I got eight.
23, 31 divided by three, like 10.3.
10.3?
Yeah.
You gotta see Craig everywhere.
Oh, yeah, you're just,
you're kind of seeing visions and
it's the Craig.
Oh my God, I think run into Craig.
Okay.
Why did we run into it?
Because we didn't say we were going skiing
we right we were thinking about cheating on Craig
let's yeah we have to get one up on let's see if anyone posted the video
online of us
out of the ski lift and said it's okay so wait just to clarify
so like your're dating Craig,
but it's your birthday.
Correct.
And you're going on a ski trip
with your friend from first grade.
But Craig is not here on your birthday trip.
Correct.
Well, we said we had a work trip.
Craig also has a work trip.
But we think we're for sure trying to treat
on Craig to your revenge for having to do on us.
Still in normal. But then for having Cheat on us. Still in normal.
But then Craig might be cheating on us.
Craig might be cheating on us because Craig said he has a work trip, but he's had a lot of
work trips lately.
It could be like a, if you like, Peter Kalada's situation where we're both kind of cheating
on each other.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I think in general, we're also just trying to lie to Craig a lot so that he'll get
mad at us and then we can use that as a way to talk about his lies
Okay, yeah, we're trying to spice things up with Craig. This is great. This is great. I give me a 30 minute break
I'm gonna rewrite it
I think we've covered it all don't worry. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Just setting the groundwork setting the runway
Jack's takes off and the race begins as you just send you look out of the corner of your eye at a lodge and maybe see Craig having
tea with someone.
What?
It goes by too quick for you to see as you plunge down the icy slopes of Widow's cliff.
The wind stings your face as you pick up speed.
As you swerve around patch after patch of huge icy moguls, you glance ahead to see that
the trail branches off into two paths.
One is a long, straight shot down a desolate icy slope.
The other is shorter, but goes through a thick pine forest that swallows up all sunlight.
Up ahead, Jack sticks out his tongue and zooms off into the forest.
Which way will you go?
We have the botanical.
A follow-jacks.
We follow-jacks. Follow-jacks. Yeah, absolutely. We have to follow Jack. We follow Jack.
We follow Jack.
Yeah, absolutely.
With all of your heart.
That's follow Jack.
Great, okay, dark forest.
Page four.
A bed of pine needles.
It's kind of.
Whoa.
A little sexy.
Yeah, fragrant for sure.
Oh my God.
You ski deep into the thick pine grove and find Jack's covered in bruises and surrounded
by a pack of hungry wolves.
What?
I'll say it, you!
Didn't realize Jessica was here.
I'll show you!
Jessica and her friends.
He weekly swings his snowboard, trying to keep the encroaching wolves at bay, but even
from a distance you can tell his arms are weakening.
Jacks may have been on the varsity baseball team, but these wolves are persistent and hungry. It's okay because we did fencing to get into a better college. I put a ski in
each hand and hold them like fencing sword. And I started doing that little like hop forward
that fencer's day. You imagine just going on a ski slope? There's just a person with a sword on their back.
It's not for like gladed runs.
If you need to like chop down something,
no, something worse.
What?
Fight wolves.
Very carefully, you unclip your skis and press your body
against the sticky sap of an ancient tree.
As you do, a twig covered in snow,
snaps beneath your foot.
And you just several lupine ears perk up. Sweat drips down the back of your neck and into your
lime green performance fleece vests. Oh my god, we look so good. Yeah, we're looking great.
I look at myself and on the phone real quick. Okay, go on. You get a little notification
from Craig that said, what's the Wi-Fi password again? Wait, why is he at home? I thought you had a work trip. Yeah, it takes back. I thought you had a work trip. Can we FaceTime?
You get the dot dot dot for a long time and then nothing wow show us the whole room
Show us the whole room
Who's in there with you Craig? It's silent again.
Yeah, why would he need the Wi-Fi password?
He should already have it.
Yeah.
You don't know, you just don't know.
What else you don't know is how to proceed.
You weigh your options for survival.
You have three choices.
Okay.
Do you fight the wolves?
Abandon Jacks and save yourself.
That's okay.
Or distract the wolves until Jacks to run.
Okay, part of me is like,
Jacks has kind of done for it, right?
Right.
I was gonna, like,
does anybody else feel like Jacks?
Seeing him look so vulnerable and weak
is kind of like not that hot.
Yeah, but there's something about it.
It's like, oh, him like weekly swinging a snowboard.
Yeah.
He got over come by these wolves really fast.
Yeah.
And so he literally, like, wasn't even done sticking
his tongue out of.
Yeah.
At us when he got jumped by wolves.
Right.
He's like trying to be like cool, trying to flirt with us,
tease us, see if you can keep up straight to like,
I'm a friend.
This might be the closure that we need is for Jackson
to get eaten by wolves.
My only thought though is that like Craig clearly has someone over and
it would be pretty dramatic. He would feel so bad if we got attacked by wolves.
That's true. So I would kind of vote a act of wolves. Okay. Okay. Wait.
Attack the wolves. Or should we be distracted to let Jacks run away?
I mean, I'm feeling reckless, but we can also.
You wanna do, okay, why don't we have
a JQB the last vote?
I'll say distract the wolves,
M says fight them, what do you think?
I feel like telling Craig that we got hurt
fighting a bunch of wolves is a better look than saying
we got hurt trying to distract them.
Yeah, yeah, so Craig will be like, oh my god, I can't believe I cheated on my partner who is saving people
from wolves.
Okay, yeah, I assume my fencing status.
So we attack, we take the fencing stance and we poke forward at a pack of wolves on guard.
Cool. Yes, you edge forward towards the wolves.
Let's go to page 20, fight the wolves.
All right, okay, here we go.
The end.
Pack your dead.
Without thinking, you pick up a massive branch
and rush into the fray.
Your face is hot with adrenaline and your muscle strain
as you swing the branch wildly at the surprised pack
of wolves.
For a moment, you seem to be driving them back.
Jack smiles up at you, but his smile turns to terror
as a wolf, pounces on you, and sinks its teeth into your neck.
What?
Can we come back from this?
Text us to Craig.
Leave your face time again.
Leave your face time again.
Waffle, if all of you want me, that's fine.
Blood fills your vision.
You reach out for Jack's.
We can come back from this.
We can come back from this.
Yeah, we're going to wake up in a hospital bed, yeah.
And by Craig and Jack, fighting over us.
Yeah.
This could really work.
And not the hospital that freaking Jessica works at like a freaking saying.
Yeah.
Yeah, she thinks she's so cool.
I love the neurosurgeon.
It is lives.
It is lives.
Save this life, Jessica.
Thank you.
Blood fills your vision.
You reach out for jacks, then suddenly the entire forest is covered in strange glimmering
mists.
Whoa.
The wolves' yelp.
Then scamper away.
Was there an avalanche?
Or just a hallucination caused by your life fading?
You're not sure.
All you know is that for now, Jack's is safe.
That thought comforts you as everything fades to black.
We're going to hell.
Vintu blue.
Vint white.
White?
What?
Sudden.
We're going to hell. We're absolutely in hell.
100% hell.
Are we dead hell?
The blue place. Hell.
Well, hey, if you read the divine comedy,
it actually is pretty freaking cold now.
Should it be in the cold rain?
Damn.
I forgot that they can ski in hell.
Then suddenly you feel very, very cold.
You open your eyes slowly and feel the brittle shards of ice Then suddenly you feel very, very cold.
You open your eyes slowly and feel the brittle shards of ice weighing on your eyelashes.
Behind you, a voice speaks in hushed relief.
Oh, thank goodness.
You're back.
You turn to see a woman with white hair, clad, and a shimmering gown of ice.
Jessica?
Say you know what I'm saying.
Jessica, did you have to operate on me? If you didn't, I'm gonna rip my stitches out. And you're gonna have to operate on me if you didn't rip my stitches out?
Again, did you make me ugly?
I always knew you hated me. Let's not do this here. We pull out of here
Can we do this somewhere else?
The blue scrubs of Jessica give way to a beautiful blue gown.
Okay.
You're a poetry off the cuff.
Thank you.
She offers you a hand and you take it, but then recoil.
Your hands are made of wood and your skin is white as snow.
Why?
You touch your face and feel a large carrot instead of a nose.
What? Jessica! You did this! a large carrot instead of a nose. What?
Jessica!
You did this!
Jessica!
Jessica, you did this!
You made us all up!
Jessica!
You're so jealous.
I know you're upset right now.
I know you're upset.
Yeah.
Listen, there's rooms we can go to to talk about things.
You've made us all off, Jessica.
I had to jump so far ahead in the donation line
to get you that carrot.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, no, I'm a mess right now, Jessica.
I start crying and I have Jessica.
I don't know what I'm doing.
What is he said about me to you?
You try to cry, but you can't,
because your face is ice cold.
Terrified, you put a wooden finger at this witch.
What did you do to me?
And where's Jax?
That's right, you're not a neurosurgeon, you're a witch.
There was no time.
I used my power to save you,
but now your part snowman.
Oh my God, don't call your surgery your power.
So self-aggrandizing.
I'm glad you went to medical school.
Yeah.
Your friend was taken by my sworn enemy,
Elsa, the Fire Queen.
What?
I knew we were going to have.
I knew it.
We weren't the good person.
What layer of color we are now,
and how do we get to the layer of health attacks on?
My name is Queen Elsa.
It's short for jelice.
That makes sense. You can call me Jess if you want. I for Jessica. That makes sense.
You can call me Jess if you want.
Okay, I do want.
Yeah, we're just gonna keep you Jessica.
Jesselica.
Jesselica.
Queen Jessica looks off personally into the distance.
Okay, her eyes sharp.
She also killed Olaf, my first creation.
I don't know what she plans to do with your friend,
but if we want to save him, we have to hurry.
Okay. Wow. Did you hear what you just called her husband?
Yeah, I was friends.
Oh, that's really what is.
Wow, so people are on the rocks.
I'm gonna take that as a Veebras.
Or a huge L. What if they're...
I gather in the rest of myself.
What if they're like... They have a relationship with like their best friends?
Mm-hmm.
Could you imagine? That's the kind of intimacy that we're not getting. What if they're like they have a relationship with like their best friends?
Could you imagine that's the kind of intimacy that we're not
Yeah, do we have any service in hell?
Yeah, let's just text them the Wi-Fi password. Let's just engage with him where he wants. Yeah
Can we text Craig the Wi-Fi password? Text your Wi-. We have to text Craig. We do not FaceTime because we are currently a snowman.
I go to text and we accidentally start FaceTime.
I throw my phone away.
I throw my phone away.
All right.
We're getting into a snowbank.
Jessica. Yeah, Jessica. Jessica. Using her magic, Queen Jessica conjures a map made of ice.
We can either ambush Elsa in her volcano layer or wait for her to come to us.
What's your preference?
We'll ambush her without you.
We're really impressed with you.
I hope you told Dr. Jessica, I'm not Queen.
I thought a lot of experience by the way with this this person and this realm
I feel like you could really use the fact that she's still around makes me think you actually don't have that much experience
We need to do this right now. Yeah, I think yeah, we need to do this right now. Yeah, open a portal or whatever to help
Let's start doing push-ups. Let's start doing push-ups to show how strong we are when you had strong we are. When is the last time you had sex with jacks?
When is the last time we ask us we can push up
As a snowman. Let's ask pointedly as we do push up
Quick question though. Are we great before you
That's the last time you had sex with jacks question. Are we gonna are we gonna melt because not just sex but like simultaneous orgasm?
Are we gonna have a volcano? just sex, but like simultaneous orgasms. Are we gonna melt inside of a volcano?
But yeah, both walk away satisfied.
Let's solve the pushups first.
Roll a strength check with disadvantage.
Okay, you got it.
We'll all roll with disadvantage.
I got it too.
Okay, great.
I got a seven.
Pretty good.
I got a nine with disadvantage.
Okay, so nine, so 18 divided by 36.
Six.
Can we roll a persuasion check?
Yeah, let's go ahead and get the answer.
The last time they both had a
Simultaneous I got a five I got a five I got a seven so that's 12. What did you get Jake and 11 and 11?
And 11 so that's 33 divided by 3. No, it's 23. Wait. Oh 23 divided by 3 is way harder
Seven points something so you start trying to do one push up and you say wins the last time you and jack's head sex
Your arms instantly snap right there
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slash PawPaw. Slash paw paw I'm sorry queen my arms are so fucking
I'm trying to be queen. I can't do that you I face my own weakness. I know it
He chose right when he chose you over me arms please queen
Instead of answering your question, it just kind of walks into the woods and gets you new arms,
shoves them into your body, re-enjance them.
You flex them a little bit, and then she says,
shall we head to the volcano layer?
Let's do it.
Are we gonna melt?
I don't know snowman rules.
Don't worry, I can enchant you with a special
permafrost isolate.
Of course, you're just fucking perfect, aren't you?
And I walk ahead of you.
Bob.
You and Elsa travel, sorry, excuse me,
you and Jessica travel to Helses,
volcanic layer, deep Helsica.
Helsica?
Great.
Okay, so it's Jelsica and Helsica, there you go.
That makes sense because Jessica does have two sides
to her, right?
Right now we're seeing the med student,
the overachiever, the savior,
but we're about to go see the darker side.
The destructive side.
Because, like, currently we're in hell, and then I feel like I'm personally in hell, too.
Right.
So it's like, it's like a venn diagram of hell.
This all makes sense.
Yeah.
So you travel to Hellsica's volcanic layer, deep in the sulfurous realm of flamengrod.
Wow.
As you approach the volcano, you feel your body slowly begin to melt.
Ah! Jessica! Jessica!
Queen! Please!
Please, please!
You're mad just please!
Alright, okay, yes, I've got you.
Jessica conjures a layer of permafrost to protect you, but despite it, you know that this battle
might be your last.
Shit.
Oh my God.
So if you got anything to say, you gotta say it.
Did Craig text back then?
Okay.
You look on your phone, somehow you have six bars here,
which is weird.
You've got like super service.
Wow.
So maybe our texts land with extra impact.
Yeah, exactly.
There's like, there's emoji packs
that are only available here.
Holy fuck, let's send them all.
I'm gonna heart Craig asking for the Wi-Fi password.
That's good.
Let's get him that notification.
That little buzz.
Turn it into a question mark, then a heart again.
Yeah.
Just to get the activity going.
Yeah, I like that.
A lot of buzzes.
Yeah, to a great extent. Just in case, just in case of anything.. I like it. A lot of buzzes. Just in case.
Just in case, it's up to any things.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the final thing we do is we reply to his question,
where's the Wi-Fi, and you just respond with,
you're fun sometimes.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
That's good.
You scale the flaming mountain and find a brimstone castle
suspended across a pit of magma.
Damn, you say, just like in Shrek.
What?
What?
Indeed, it says also solemnly, just like in Shrek.
Fuck, we have more in common than I realize.
Yeah.
Okay.
Wait, and when I said Elsica, of course,
I mean, Jessica.
Yeah, I'm looking at Jessica with new eyes.
Yeah, I cracked my head in Elsica.
You like Shrek? Of course, it helps me at Jelsica. You like Jelsica?
Of course, it helps me on wine.
Oh.
We like Jelsica because it helps us on wine.
Yeah, it's a funny movie.
You seem so unflapable.
I didn't know you ever needed to unwite.
Yeah.
What's crazy about my friend Jax is he doesn't actually
like Jelsica very much.
You think that he would, but like, he's right.
Yeah, you're right, he doesn't.
Jax isn't that deep now that I think about it.
Yeah.
I always thought that everyone else put you on a pedestal,
but I see that it's you who put yourself
on a pedestal to your own detriment.
I've just got so much work and so much responsibility.
I feel like that's the only way to protect myself.
Yeah.
You have high standards for yourself.
Yeah.
Maybe too high.
Too high.
You really respect that.
Do you want to watch?
I want to watch.
Do you want to watch Shrek right now?
I used to be the six bars of my cell phone.
Try and load Shrek.
You can download it.
Yeah, just go.
I have like super service right now.
I sit in the snow and start loading up a Shrek from like a free streaming website.
Like bookstreams.com or something.
I accept all cookies. Give all permissions.
You say yes to every and proposed notification.
Jessica looks around, says,
well, unlike in Shrek,
I don't think there's a dragon here,
so it should be fine.
There's only these cute little salamanders around.
She points to a small lizard with glowing purple skin.
So I think we've got time to watch
Shrek. Does she clock the 98 tabs that have on my phone? Several of which are just Googling her.
I don't know what this is. I feel like our phones are listening to us and they know who we're with.
Yeah. I think that's what happened. A lot of these tabs say how to confess your true feelings.
They're like guides that you're on a wiki how.
Is that something you want to talk about?
No.
OK, great.
I feel like we're not there, Jessica.
It's just there's three more ads we have to watch
before the movie starts.
So if you want to talk about anything, we can't.
Look, I just like to watch the movie.
I grab a salamander and bite its head off and eat it like a go-girt.
He squads at me.
He's got a offering herself.
Oh, like.
That's good.
This is what snowman eat, what do you want me to do?
You made me like, it's true.
Despite being cold, your body requires a strange amount
of carbohydrates and heat. Yeah, it's kind of like an ice cream fridge. Yeah. Okay.
Shrek's just about over. Why don't we get going? Okay. You do see, you toss the
lizard to the ground and a couple of other lizards like scatter over and start
picking out it as well. You look at one in particular and it looks up from the
carcass and grins at you. And a moment too late, you realize
its mouth is full of human teeth.
What?
It's her, you scream, and you shove Jelsica out of the way,
just in time to see Jelsica morph from Zard human.
This is why I ate the Salamander,
because I knew Jelsica was probably hiding amongst the eggs.
That's exactly why we did it.
That's exactly why we did it. Yes snipped her out your mad just see incredible instincts as Jelsica.
I love your mind.
I love your mind.
I open up nine new tabs on how to respond to compliments.
We also text Craig.
I love your mind.
And we also text Jacks and say that.
And we text Jack, the Wi-Fi password to her house.
You text Jacks and as soon as you text Jacks,
you hear a buzzing somewhere in the ruins of this ancient castle.
Jacks? Jax?
As you shout, Jax,
Hellsica caccles and her hands erupt in flame as she launches a salvo of fireballs.
You dodge them and hide behind some ruins.
Suddenly, you dodge in a sexy way.
Oh!
Oh!
You thrust out your hips as you dodge.
Oh!
Oh! Oh! Suddenly, while you're hiding, you hear a screech from above.
Perched on top of the stone wall is a familiar face.
His hair is on fire and his skin is demonic red,
but despite it all, it's unmistakably your best pal, Jax.
Oh, Jax!
Whoa.
Jax.
He looks really good.
He looks really good.
He looks really good.
We shove Jelsec.
No, please.
Only I can save him.
You must let me perform my magic, my wonders.
Don't, he's perfect.
He's beautiful.
His voice is beautiful.
Where's his gesture cap?
Did it fall to the floor?
You see that it's burned off because his hair is so hot,
but there is a little headband remaining.
And you do see that he has collected the bells
that fell off and fashioned a necklace out of them.
Oh, shit.
So as he's kind of a spiky.
Can we put a finger into the bell necklace
and sort of twirl it around?
A twig finger.
Yeah, a twig finger.
It immediately catches on fire.
Ah, Chelsea does.
Oh, Chelsea got Craig Quim!
Quim!
Your former friend Jack screeches and points a finger at you to reveal your hiding spot.
Hellsica Grins and blast over.
Oh, I see you've met my little pet!
I found him half dead in the enchanted woods and thought he'd be a perfect experiment for my magic.
I too consider myself a magician of the science trade.
Ha ha ha ha. Only Jelsica's a magician of the science trade
Only jelsa goes a lot to talk about herself like that, okay? Yeah, Kelsa
Yeah, you're just copying her I'm gonna go to as good of a med school. She can't she doesn't have a zard form
I'm the only one with a zard form. That's pretty cool, right?
It's pretty cool. Not really you were a
Salamander. Yeah, let a different salamander get eaten like a goger.
God, right in front of you while we see anything.
And then we watch Shrek.
We watch Shrek, and then we had a conversation about how we think the true ending to Shrek
won is the beginning of Shrek too when they're having fun to smash mouth, and we watch
that as well.
Okay, to be honest, I got caught up watching Shrek with you.
That's why I didn't attack sooner.
We noticed.
Yeah, this is the first time you ever saw Shrek, is that why you needed to see it so bad? You've never seen Shrek before. That's why we know sooner. We notice. Yeah, this is the first
time you ever saw Shrek is that why you needed to see it so bad you've never seen Shrek before.
Right, because we like it. Yeah, I've never seen Shrek before because every time I hang out with my
friend Craig he doesn't want to watch it with me. He just wants to get straight to fucking.
What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What do I? What do I? What do I?
Lot of guys are named Craig. Craig. Can I? Can I? Can I real quick, was Craig's still her phone see if she's logged in to my
Wi-Fi.
If you were logged in to our
Wi-Fi, is hell under our
apartment?
Hell under our apartment.
You have to tell us if hell
is under our apartment.
Craig?
Craig?
Craig?
Craig, did you cheat on me
with a goddamn lizard?
Craig, you look more closely
at this castle suspended above this volcano.
And you do see that there's just like single tower, this long staircase that continues up
and just kind of pierces the sky.
It's our fucking sub basement.
It's our fucking sub basement.
We have that weird door that we've got over the end.
Yeah, it's the fucking sub basement and then it goes up into the basement and the fucking
apartment.
We have a door that connects our apartment to hell.
Yeah, I'm calling the landlord.
I'm calling the landlord.
Why didn't this come up during the inspect?
Why?
Greg knew about this and didn't tell us.
That's the thing is Craig handled it all.
As you say Craig over and over again, you see somebody peek their head out the window
while they're eating a sandwich.
Oh, babe, I thought you were on that ski trip.
Happy birthday.
Don't even talk to him. Don't even. Don't even. Don't babe me right now. Oh, babe, I thought you were on that ski trip. Happy birthday. Don't even talk to him.
Don't even.
Don't even.
Don't babe me right now.
Don't babe me.
Also, how did you recognize me?
I turned into a snowman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
Oh my god, did he throw you in the house?
Not yet.
We need to have the video.
You were talking to houseica.
We had talked to houseica.
We had talked to houseica.
Why do you think he was talking about you, says houseica,
her entire body kind of flared up.
Holy shit, did you not know that Craig was dating someone?
What?
What did he mean?
We take out our phone and we show a bunch of pictures
of someone that doesn't look like us with Craig.
Because we are now a snowman.
Don't you see this is us and Craig at Napa Valley?
This is us and Craig.
Holy shit, I inherently trust you. The eyes are the same. We go to Napa Valley. This is us and Craig. Holy shit. I inherently trust you.
I was the same.
We go to Napa Valley all the time.
Yeah, this is me at Napa Valley, but I was at Craig had been with me like earlier.
I'm not allowed to go to Napa Valley because I would burn all the grapes.
Yeah, that's true.
Frankly, there's not a lot of pictures of Craig because whenever we go on a trip, we get
into a fight.
And I usually end up going through the activities by myself.
Right.
I go to a tasting and Craig waits at the hook. And that's why you're wrong for
Craig. Okay, we roll around making ourself as a snowman even bigger as big as we can. Right?
Yeah. Like roll down a hill to become really big. You roll in like the ash of the volcano.
Oh right. Right. There's no more snow. Okay, yeah. We leave, we leave, we leave.
We leave, we come back, we watch track one more time.
Watch track two, come back.
While all this is happening, you see that Jelsika
is staring at this demonic version of Jacks
and she grits her teeth.
First, you kill my snowman and now you just honor
the spirits of nature, you shall pay.
She summons a ball of ice and prepares to fight. You can sense
Jessica's resolve. But this isn't her home turf. It's yours strangely. And she'll
need all the help she can get. What do you do? The options are fight with jacks or sing
a ballad.
We sing a ballad. We have to sing. We take out a karaoke machine that we travel with.
And we sing who Bistanc the Reason. And the Reason.
And the Reason.
And yeah!
And I look right in the Jacks' eyes as I sing Hu Bistanc.
Yeah, and I'm out the guitar part too.
Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun.
You're not sure why, but you suddenly feel a deep urge
to solve this problem through music song
and choreograph dance.
You fashioned a cane and top hat
out of the charred remains of a fallen night's armor
and begin singing a jaunty ballad about your wants and desires.
I think that, our dance is sort of like a slow,
contemplative break dance.
You know, like the sort of like when you're kicking
underneath your arms, it's that but like really slow. So slow. Right. Like so slow. It's like
is he moving? As you do this dance, you see pillars of lava erupt in slow motion perfectly in time.
They're kind of just like looping in these beautiful arcs behind you, like a fountain.
Wow, we look at Jessica and say,
I guess you're not the only one with magic,
AKA who went to med school.
Oh, yeah.
Wow, when did you specialize in?
We listen to a lot of whoopistang in college.
I have my doctorate on whoopistang.
Oh, yes, you took the whoopocratic oath, in college. I have my doctorate on Hoobistang. Oh, yes, you took the Hoobokritic oath, of course.
Jessica looks impressed.
Good.
Elsa, on the other hand, looks deeply confused as does Jack's.
I'm here to kick ass and listen to Hoobistang CDs.
But I'm all out of Oobistank CDs.
I say threateningly.
Yeah, yeah, Jelsika's nodding along.
She joins you at the karaoke machine, seeing some backing vocals, as you attempt to bring
your song to a big finish.
What lyrics do you use to close out your ballad here at the choices?
I may only be a snowman, itis true, but when push comes to shove,
I know the best plan to defeat you
is to fill you with love.
And then, though we are made of ice and flame,
there's something that you missed.
Our hearts and souls are the same.
So how about if we kissed?
Maybe the kiss one.
I think over the kiss one.
Let's go for the kiss one.
I'm sorry I didn't have a hoobah stank option.
Who are we trying to kiss?
Yeah that's true.
Who are we trying to kiss here?
This is for Hellsica.
It's more just like, yeah, the song is just suggesting like, it's kind of a generic like
how about if we kissed for everyone.
Okay, we should identify who we're gonna sing it towards.
Because, like, who do we want to kiss in this situation?
Should we just sing it towards the world?
Should we open up the cell phone camera, turn it to selfie mode,
and sing it to ourselves?
Oh, that's good.
That's beautiful.
We do need some time alone, clearly.
Yeah, we have to date ourselves.
You see that Craig up in the tower is like babe, are they gonna be done soon?
We're watching good doctor, right? You better be talking to us. Yeah, who's babe to you?
First off, don't be
Do you recognize Craig's already on his phone? He's ignoring you. He's awful. He's terrible. God, he's so detached, so it's kind of hot. So you put this
desire onto the world. So how about if we kissed? From your frozen vocal cords,
springs forth a song both haunting and warm, like crystal wind chimes on a
frozen tundra. Your voice resounds with delicate intensity. As Hellsica and Jelsica
listen to the words, they turn to each other and realize. They haven't been fighting against each
other. They've been fighting for each other. I knew it. I knew it. This is Shadow Self. This is
where your therapist, Jelsica. We are helping you incorporate the Shadow Self. The fiery rage and
icy dismissal all just masks walls to hide the true feelings that lurk
underneath as the last words of your song echo off the walls of the volcano, Jelsika and
Helsika run towards each other and embrace.
As they do a shimmering wall of magic steam, it rpts in all directions. Ah, what the fuck, who the fuck, who's farting?
Oh, me.
Me too.
Gross.
Absolutely nasty.
Do you smell that?
That's the sulfur.
No, that's a sulfur-fine of all pain.
That's so rank.
It's absolutely rank.
The steam passes through you. And as it enters your icy pores you feel your snowmanity being stripped away.
Oh my snowmanity!
This is it.
Snowmanity could be a Cirque de Soleil.
We say the last thing you were saying.
Exactly.
We try to say don't let that be in my last words when we aren't quick enough.
Wait, say something else to me, circle or spa.
Why did we invest in an Olaf only Cirque de Soleil?
Your hands and nose become flesh, and you feel blood pumping through your veins once more.
You look over and see that Jack's has been restored as well.
You hug each other, then look up to see the queens touching their foreheads together.
Over the din of the bubbling magma, you just make out Jelsika saying,
thank you for killing Olaf.
What?
What?
Saying that to Helsica.
Right, yes, because of the lore.
Right.
Helsica, of course, killed Olaf, and that was why Jelsica was coming for a vinge.
But why did she think that?
Because they realized that actually, actually this is them reuniting.
Olaf was kind of like a wedge, a burden between them.
So Olaf is staying dead in this tale.
Yeah, we're Olaf.
The courage.
Right.
And we were Olaf.
We were Olaf is dead. But then there was a cleansing mist of steam
that arose when these two were freed by a fart.
What?
Yeah.
Ranked beef.
Is there really a fiery Elsa from Hell in Frozen 2?
No, would you believe it that that is a character
of my own making and design?
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
All right, continue.
Continue.
We're watching Jessica and Helstika masturbate.
Indeed. The two queens of ice and fire then start making out and shoving
each other's hands down each other's pants. Wow.
Jesus holy shit. Get a castle you two shouts jacks.
Shut off the jacks. You two.
You tell jacks to shut up but you can't help but chuckle.
It's good to have your best friend back or maybe more.
You throw your arm around his neck and bound down the mountain together.
Later that year, you both serve as the best men for Hellsica and Jelsica's wedding.
Wow.
On and Kristoff are also there.
The end.
Wow.
What about Craig?
Yeah, Craig. I mean, we brought him to the wedding, of course. are also there. The end. Wow. What about Craig?
That.
The end of Craig.
I mean, we brought him to the wedding, of course.
Yes.
Because even though we're on and off,
we didn't talk to anybody else.
Yeah.
He didn't talk to anybody else.
He turned into a huge fight.
We have no pictures of us.
Craig from the wedding.
We brought Craig to the wedding,
but we didn't have a plus one.
So there wasn't like a bright end.
Like a fan.
Yeah. And then Craig was rude. And Craig complained the whole time but we didn't have a plus one so there wasn't like a bright and it became a thing for Craig.
And Craig was rude with you there.
And Craig complained the whole time about having to be
with the best man.
And we made a big deal.
We were the wedding party and we had Craig
and all the pictures.
Yeah, kind of like ruined the right.
Well the thing is it was fantasy draft weekend.
It was fantasy draft weekend, yeah.
So like Craig was just on his phone the whole time doing his picks.
And there's just like in every picture he's on his phone.
Well, I'm feeling really inspired.
I think that maybe our happy ending is that we break up with Craig.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
So we do it at the wedding and make it kind of about us.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Cause we get a speech, right?
If we get a speech, then we should do it.
Oh, it's exciting to break up with him in our best man's age.
Okay, just to be sure on how to do this.
Let's have like three or four shots.
Okay, and maybe like four or five or so on.
And maybe we can do it via who bestank.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, you see that the reason wasn't you.
Yeah, or I can, we'll switch it to crawling in the dark by
who was tank.
I've been crawling in the dark searching for the answers and you're not the answer Craig.
I say and I drop the mic and I leave the wedding and go back to the hill.
I forgot my room keys.
See the MC picks up the mic and says, okay, and now it's time for the first dance.
That'd be a couple. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.
Take a huge piece of wedding cake
before I leave to.
Feverishly texting everyone saying,
did anyone get any good pictures of that?
Ha ha ha.
Did anyone get video of my speech?
Ha ha ha ha.
Pray we're called on that super far.
Oh, thank you so much, cheers.
Thank you for making it shine, for providing.
It was already shining.
It was fantastic.
I really appreciate it.
I'm feeling partially healed.
You brought great lore, and we found some great lore together.
Indeed, just a porridge of lore.
A porridge.
A lorries.
A lorries.
A porridge.
A porridge. A porridge. A mortgage. A mortgage. A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage.
A mortgage. A mortgage. A mortgage. A mortgage. A mortgage. You can hear some more APP book club. We're gonna do fun little episode over on our Patreon,
patreon.com slash nad pod.
That's NADD.
You don't see that, don't do it, don't do it.
Don't do it.
Let it go, let it go.
Sorry.
Hot it out, dude, let it go.
Thank you all so much for listening.
Does anybody have anything they'd like to plug?
I would like to plug call will Tanner as a human.
Wow.
Yeah. Check me out. Check him out. Wow! Yeah. Check me out.
Yeah.
Check him out.
Check him out.
I love your eyes.
Dude, only do his socials at the end.
Yeah.
All right.
And you can follow call-wheel on social media
that he may or may not use.
And he can call these call-wheel.
Yeah.
And you can tweet about the show using hashtag
not pull out that's M-E-T-T-A-K.
Call-wheel.
Let's try.
We are, we are.
Call-wheel. We are the nation. We are, we are It's the end of the show everybody and that means I need to shout out our benevolent council
of elders starting with Brad D. Jeffrey S. aka the Lord of the Fjord.
Hugh C. Later McSkater. Matt M. Cutter W. Fierd Al. Jeff C. Daniel G. Daniel the Dasterly Dame. Beardman Dan.
Danny P. Vincent W. Victor TAK, Bounders Boy. Hoyd's friend. Justin I. Danny Danster. TJM.
Traile the Cray. Christopher B. Daniel R. Jordan L. Cyborg version of Josh the Cobald. Stevie Wags. Boston Powers. Master of the Fat Bastard Sword. Princess Yarr.
Jury S. Jack L. Nicholas C. Star of every film ever made in Bahumia. Now back in action after Union victory.
Samuel B. Mike H. Elkis Smeltzer Plus, Great Value Gemma, Adam G, Tyler
F, Nabadger, Panama James, Herodrian, Rex Fanyle the White, Diana DL, Ceci Lulu,
Hericule Poirot the Rabbit Folk Detective, RICO, Calder Comes Cold, warm, mage hand, love you fairies.
Sure, Taylor B, the vengeful one winged angel,
cascade board, casc, Steven is steep and tea
unevenly you see, see, Mike K, Lady Taco
and team incredulity.
Incredulity, as I used to say that, incredulity.
Joy T, Jake L, Nick W. Agnity.
William W. Big bad beard of the mad.
Ananorama.
Percival Fredrickstein von Musso Klasowski,
De Rolo III.
Adom, the simple dimples.
J. Dragonborn.
Dr. Azalea P. Bubblebath.
The San Drian.
Ben A. Dave H. Catherine S. Christian S, A Cell, from the Prison
of Elders, Dustin S, Danny F, Hawkeye Pierce, Bookfars Assistant, ICF, DPC is awesome,
Sean, the Shade Tree mechanic of Zilbaldar, Summer Rose, aka Grandter, Terre Kat C Misa of House and Zunza Ariel the occasional mermaid
Selena N
A.K.A. Valacy Raptor
B. Perky Always
Pat L
Maxwell J
Lauren H
Nalani the Coffee Barista
Brewing Fighter of
Limpio and Bohumia
Ryan S. The Bone Duster
Annie the Feywild Therapist
Christian N Skillful Ferret, asking for a fan art request,
how about us using our ski pole as a fencing sword to try to fend off wolves from killing our friend, Jacks?
Conor S. Celil, Weed Goku 69 aka Trevor G. Leviathan, Bioquart 7, Embroidery Stress, Sullivan H, Trub Hopdropper, Jack
H, King of the Mole People, Under Iron Deep, Wearing Merfs Jack Skellington Hoodie, Lindy W,
Valin, Carlin C, MLS, Skrip Skipper, Noah the Bulliewag Boy, Hashtag release, The Filthy
Guppy Cut, James G, Everything Bego, The eladrin who just wants to hang out with his pet badger Stripey,
Daddy Master Dandy, Han the green teen, Eric B, Marcos, learns the balance druid, Dakota
JP, Free to M, Pago self-reclaimed Faye King back on their regularly programmed Faye
shenanigans. Tracey P the Crick-Ell
librarian, Mackie S, Holly Hyena, Leah, Hunter H, Akash T, Andrew Crick Plainswalker,
getting Cricky with it, Dufinious, Russell H, a monk named Dilgo, yes the whole thing,
yes every time, Cody C, Keychains, Pentium II processor, Lorelai the Succubus and Kyra Herbusti Queen,
Matt M, your friendly neighborhood yonk and young Cole Andrew and Sid, John Adams, yes,
like the president, Meg the male carrier, manager of Bohumia, James F, Jimmy A, M4L, Austin S,
Wayfarer now has to do something with the trolls. Get rid of them, turn to page 42. Keep them, turn to
page 69. Shane C. Barpo Good Barrel, Bard Barian, Welsh Lander, Garrett G, One Big Curd, Mr. D, Dana
the Daisy, Ethan B, Havie the Half Work, Renee the Monster Captain, Box C, Olivia the Enchanting
Bard who is working hard on her audition for the lead singer of the Mountain Crows, Winter for H, Caleb L, Fairy Followers are celebrating hashtag CCC. I love sunny hashtag. Got the fish hashtag
PTFC. Ponderful to Pink Dragon, Scourge of the bookstore, Horder of joke books, Cantrip
Dumbledore, The Bear, Onesy wearing Barbarian, Lexi H, MJ, The BFG, Cam the Frogman, Artavius K, Geno T, Mama Bell, the Silver Serpent
herself, Derek D, Tristan the Talentless Hunk, Leon K, Legendary Hero of Bohumia from
a Future Campaign, BTA Workshop, Shenanigans O'Connor, Miles the Great, Alex K, Joshua
S, Alexander, Lins W. Angel La Pamela.
The Forever Vindicated.
M.S. Red.
The Reforged. Warforged.
Executive Producer Dick Wolf.
Creator of the Upcoming Series.
Law and Order Bahumias.
Starting lead, Bullywug.
Actor.
David Hasselhopp.
A cat napping into some sunbeam listening to a podcast.
Hunter W. Niae, nasty nut.
No.
Shelby, kinda second favorite, sprite girl,
IRL turns 31.
Everyone, please give your pets
Chini Rubs in celebration.
Happy birthday.
Jackson R. T3RHX, official Ned Flanders.
Troy D. Blaze, future king of the Pirates, Blake H. searching
for a sweet blue hole with his bestie Big Bev, Pawpaw Skydays, Mimo Skydays. Oh, it's
V. Tommy W, Mike and Lisa send love to all of you. Thank you so much, Mike and Lisa.
Haley the human, Megan N, the big M, Boundore's best friend, Steve, Stephanie of
House in Zunza, Jake's ramen shop, RIP, Melcure, the brave lion and warrior, who even cares
about the rest of the party.
Karjish, Benjamin A, Sacrificial Otaku, Penn name for Kelly's cousin who discovered anime
and is trying to spread the word all over Bahumia, Jiggy M, Michele A,
Angie A, Josh H, two mid-sized robot yaks unrelated to the five yaks swords, Froaky, the
two crew blew through, Jacob K, Maple the Shy Bookworm, Ashley, Seth E, Billy Batson,
Torrey the Blind Bisexual, Dragoos. Sock, Monkey Bob.
Edelweiss, the charismatic arcane trickster Jackal.
Michael L.S. the second.
Cobbers, Bobbers, the Coblin, Bobbin Goblin.
Nova Cry, Hilda Thunderheart, the human barbarian.
Parcel, Dex Riddlewell, and finally Hannah A.
Thank you all so much for listening.
Thank you to all of our listeners, all of our patreon subscribers, and of course our
benevolent council of elders. You can head on over to our Patreon to listen to our bonus episode.
We'll catch you all next time.
That was a hate bomb podcast.
Howdy net Poles.
Call well here letting you know that next week, January 18th and 19th,
we are hitting the road for live shows in Washington, DC, aka Washington Dungeon Court, as well as Boston, Massachusetts.
That's right folks, we are going to the original Boston, the OGB, not one of these false
ballstones you keep hearing about, so don't even fret.
The shows are on January 18th and 19th and tickets are available at nadpod.com slash live.
That is nadpod.com slash live.
We hope to see you there.
Thanks so much for listening and be where the false ballstones.