Not Another D&D Podcast - D&D Court: Elk Dockers, PC Meatshields and The TPK Extraordinaire
Episode Date: March 29, 2024Dungeon Court is back in session! Join Justices Murphy, Tanner and Axford, as well as the Pleated Bailiff Hurwitz as they convene to pass judgement on your trials at the table!Get Tickets to ...the Three Black Halflings' live show at Leicester Square HERE!CREDITS:Sound Mixing and Editing by Trevor LyonDungeon Court Theme Song by Sam WeillerSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Welcome to Dungeon Court, everybody!
Dun! Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon Dungeon I feel like that was a professional snubbing. Yeah. Yeah. It felt right. It was biting a little bit.
Yeah.
The father son, the holy goof.
That's you.
Yeah.
Cool.
Well, take it away.
Yeah, sure.
I thought we were gonna spend more time insulting me,
but yeah.
Hear you, hear you.
Crit is now in session.
The honorable Supreme Crit Justices,
Axford, Murphy, and Danner presiding. You're just waiting for us to make fun of you more.
Waiting with bated breath. Please, please go in on me.
Usually I'm more aggressively bullied up top as all.
Smiling and nodding, waiting for us to yell at him.
Are you sure you want to leave it at that?
My feelings aren't that serious.
Just three lowlies this time, sir.
Our first case comes from Austin B.
Austin writes, to the esteemed judges
and the nearly adequate bailiff, there it is,
I bring the story that got me deemed TPK extraordinaire.
Ooh.
We had just started the campaign
and I had warned my players
that I was playing this campaign purely by the book.
Okay.
After a few days of dino races and jewel market heists,
the party braved the jungle
and rolled a velociraptor ambush
on the random encounter table.
Two D6 Raptors ended up being 11 Raptors to fight.
Whoa, okay.
Okay.
Very feasible.
Mm-hmm.
Murph, can we get a check on that?
Can you do the math in your head?
Is that possible?
I'm gonna do the math in my head.
That's one lower than the possible one.
Yeah, that can happen.
I mean, what are the chances of rolling 11 on two D6?
Decent, pretty good.
Really?
Pretty awesome.
Really?
I thought a three would be more likely.
Yeah.
And what are the chances of those Raptors rolling a nat 20
for the stealth check?
Or the surprise one?
Although hang on, now that I'm doing the math in my head
at the craps table, 11 is hard to get, I think, right?
But so is three.
Double snake eyes?
Murph, his eyes have rolled back in his head mint hat style.
He's taken so much spice melange.
He's left his body and gone to Vegas.
I'm trying to be clever, but I was editing the episode
last night, so I just, I don't have it there.
Oh, that's why you weren't that mean to me.
Yeah, that's true.
I had nothing to say.
I don't know, Jake, read the case.
Anyway.
Go on.
All right, so the Raptors not 20'd the stealth check
for the surprise round and rolled higher initiative
than the players.
Uh-oh.
Adding in pack tactics and multi-attacks,
this resulted in the players taking 44 attacks
at advantage before they even had a round to respond.
Sweet.
Oh my God, I love it.
The party, remember the name TPK extraordinaire.
The party was immediately eviscerated.
It's rocks.
The Loxodon assassin never even got the opportunity
to say his catchphrase.
Guess you didn't see the elephant in the room.
Oh, that's not bad.
We rolled new PCs and the campaign ended up being super fun,
but this still gets brought up regularly.
Was I right to play by the book and let the TPK happen?
Or should I have added DM shenanigans to give them a chance?
I await your judgment.
The only thing you could have done is made the all of the Raptors
roll individually for stealth.
Oh, yeah.
But I mean, this is just so funny.
I guess I could see myself as the DM rolling a nat 20
and being like, all right, one of them gets that.
And then I'll roll for the rest of them.
I do understand creatures of the same type.
Like generally you do put them in the same place
in initiative, but I do think when you're dealing
with huge numbers of enemies, you should split them up.
I don't think the book says that.
I think technically you were right.
The book, which is 11 Raptors go first.
Rolled us a block.
I also, this was rather a rather delightful story to hear.
So I don't know, like they didn't say TPK loser.
They said TPK extraordinaire.
You're extraordinary.
You're the TP King.
Yeah, I'm not sure which module this is.
Forgive us for not being as familiar with modules
because obviously we don't use them.
Sorry, we do a little thing called homebrew on the show.
We do a little thing called homebrew.
Can I just point out that I actually am really bothered
by the 11 Raptors.
It just feels insane for like-
Not notice 11 Raptors.
No, no, no, no, no.
There's nothing logistic.
It's the fact that it's 11 and not 12 or 10.
So it's like a number like,
how did you guys roll up together?
You didn't all come in one car
because no car seats 11.
Like why are you you rolling with 11?
Someone must have died.
You were 12.
Who did you lose?
Were they like paired off?
Was it like two, two, two, two, and 10?
And then there's like one at the end.
Oh, there's a little one at the end.
Or it was a kindergarten and there was a teacher
and then they were all buddies.
That makes sense.
10 students and one teacher showing them.
That puts us at ease.
I actually feel a lot better now. I think you did nothing wrong knowing that it was a school of rappers. That makes sense. 10 students and one teacher showing them how to murder. That puts us at ease. That puts us at ease.
I actually feel a lot better now.
I think you did nothing wrong knowing
that it was a school of raptors.
We're going to need a full retrial
because we need to know if one of the raptors
was wearing cat eyed glasses and a sweater.
And a Miss Frizzle cardigan.
Ha ha ha.
Was it a magic school bus?
Were these children that have been transformed into raptors
to learn about the prehistoric times?
That makes the 11 make sense.
It makes so much sense.
I'm a little bit more familiar with like
the earlier modules, like Strahd and stuff,
because I've like leafed through them and everything.
And I know that Strahd is pretty notorious for,
uh-oh, somebody went into the wrong room by themselves
and they're level two and there was a vampire spawn in there.
And that's just something that can happen with modules
because you're just looking at the book and it's just in this room, there's a vampire spawn in there. And that's just something that can happen with modules because you're just looking at the book
and it's just in this room, there's a vampire.
So it is like they rolled on the random encounter table
and it's two D6 Raptors, which is,
which can be two or can be 12.
That is wild.
Yeah.
That's a lot.
I can't imagine just like that gives me a headache
having to keep track of that many enemies at one go.
And not just like blocking them into a swarm
or something like that.
God.
44 attacks.
44 attacks.
44 attacks is so by the book.
God bless you for sitting there and rolling all of that.
There is something very fun though
about specifically doing it completely by the book.
Cause that does feel pretty real in just that,
no, there are just 11 Raptors here.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, there's nothing we could do about it.
They're not gonna spare you
just cause you guys did a jewel heist the other day.
And now all your party is like,
they're gonna make new characters,
but they're also just going to have a deep ingrained
venteta against Raptors.
And there's 11 vicious raptors roaming your earth.
There would be anywhere at any time.
Vicious kindergarten raptors
wearing the clothes of a bunch of humans.
Here's a little wrinkle though.
Here's a little wrinkle.
There should be wrinkle.
There's a wrinkle.
The fact that I love this isn't logical.
I've got one.
I've got a wrinkle.
So I assume it has to say in the module that the,
wait, no.
Okay, wait, this was the random encounter table.
Okay, I think I found a big wrinkle.
I think I found a big wrinkle.
Holy shit.
Yeah, because-
Send him back to the cleaners.
Yeah.
Get the dryer ready.
Because the Raptor-
You gotta turn the dryer, plug the dryer in.
Yeah, okay.
Get your steamer out, man.
We got it, got it.
Guys, steamer!
I need to go.
Get it out, get it out, keep going.
Turn on the shower.
I'm taking a hot shower!
Turn on the shower.
Turn on the fucking shower.
Hang the shirt, sneer it.
We got wrinkles in it.
Are you sure it's not a pleat?
Yeah, it's a pleat.
Okay.
They're fucking done.
Crease their ass, Murph, crease their ass.
Crease it.
Well, pleat is supposed to be there,
so let's find out if it's a wrinkle or a pleat.
Pleat could be degraded.
Is it a wrinkle or a pleat?
You have to decide.
Nothing else to go on.
Pleat is intentional, okay.
No, what I was gonna say is, okay.
Pleats by the book. Pleats by design. I. No, what I was gonna say is, okay.
Pleads by design.
I think this is not completely by the book, right?
Because they said that they rolled a nat 20
on their stealth check to sneak up on them, right?
Right.
Uh-huh.
Is that correct?
Yes.
Because that was added.
You don't have to have the Raptor tactics of nat 20.
It's like a random encounter, right?
So did that, I mean, I guess technically
would a raptor sneak up on their prey, probably.
Yeah, they absolutely would.
Haven't you seen the raptor part?
Right, yeah, when they go through the tall grass?
Sure.
Absolutely, absolutely.
I will say you maybe went a step too far
when you decided to have the 11 raptors
stealth up on your party. All get a Nat 20. Yeah. You could have like Raptor group A and Raptor group B
and then teacher Raptor.
But I guess if you're going by the book.
The teacher gets the nat 20.
The kids are all too loud and bumbling though.
I still don't know if that's a wrinkle.
That could just be a linen shirt
that's kind of designed to be a little wavy.
I think it's a wrinkle because it's not saying like,
oh, you go into this room and there's this many enemies
there or whatever, and they will try to sneak up
on the party if they can.
It's just a random encounter.
They run into 11 Raptors.
There are a lot of different ways to interpret that.
Like you see some of them and then more come out
of the bushes or a couple of them pounce on you
while a couple other are surrounding you
or something like that.
And this DM chose to have all 11 sneak up on them
with the same roll.
But at the same time,
they probably didn't expect I'm gonna get a nat 20
on the stealth.
They probably were like, they're gonna sneak up on you
and a couple people get before them, but.
I will say the one area that you have,
if you were doing everything by the book,
you rolled an 11, you've got 11 rafters,
the one area you could have given leeway
is to not have them all sneaking up on your party,
to have it truly be an encounter where they happen upon.
Oh, they're feasting on something else.
Maybe they surprise them.
Cause that part is left up to interpretation.
I guess if you're playing raptors
to the top of their intelligence,
which they are intelligent.
Even I have seen Jurassic Park.
Yeah.
Have you seen Jurassic Park?
Yes, I've seen Jurassic Park.
Name one character from.
Muldoon.
It's a Spielberg movie.
There's an island.
Yeah.
There's and there's do you know like a T-Rex?
I've never seen Seinfeld.
Yeah.
Do you know the mailman?
Yeah.
Do you know two characters from Seinfeld Emily?
I don't think I'm the one who's on trial here.
You surely can name two.
I don't know that we should start my trial
till yours is concluded.
Merv, this is gatekeeping, man.
This is not good.
I'll give you one.
I'll give you one.
Seinfeld.
That's one.
Who's another one?
Elaine.
There you go.
Nice.
Wow.
Yeah, I don't know.
I do think that the one area you could have
had leeway was to just, you know, it's an encounter. So the encounter can happen any way you want. And
you decided to hunt your players. I think that was a little bit of a choice. I don't know that
that's completely by the book. I will say though, to be the the book devil's advocate here. I do
think that like when you see those little like blocks, those little caption blocks that will tell you
like what's supposed to happen in this room, it will say like
Raptors ambush the party.
Ambush.
It specifically said random encounter.
They ran them on a random encounter.
Random encounter could have said 2d6 Raptors ambush.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm going to say it was just a little wrinkle anyway,
and that is a good point.
And it might have been a pleat.
I think it was a pleat.
Wait, okay, a pleat is good.
If the wrinkle encounters...
Yeah, okay, I've got the analogy now.
Ambush, then it's a pleat.
Okay, so a pleat is...
A wrinkle by design.
A wrinkle that it looks like a wrinkle, but it's actually good.
That's beautiful.
Yeah, I get it.
Okay.
Pleats or wrinkles by design.
Great.
That's a weird sign hanging in your laundromat.
I'm gonna start a fashion company.
Actually, I'm just gonna start a store that you can come to.
I'm gonna start a fashion company.
I'm gonna start a fashion company.
I'm gonna start a fashion company. I'm gonna start a fashion company. I'm gonna start a fashion company. I'm gonna startromat. I'm going to start a fashion company.
Actually, I'm just going to start a store
that you can come to get a pleat
put into something you're wearing.
Oh, that's great.
Like in the middle of a shirt.
We'll pleat any...
You can get a pleat on the back so it looks like you've got
like a little dinosaur ridge.
You could call it Yes Pleat.
Pleating with you guys to move on.
Yes Pleat.
I'm pleating with you guys to move on.
All right. Pleat your so pleats the court.
Are we on this?
Everyone shut the fuck up.
It's gonna be a pop-up shot.
Are we signing with the DM here?
Ooh, I love a pop-up.
We are, right?
Yeah.
We can sentence them to work my first pop-up.
Wait, who are we even sentencing?
We're sentencing the players
because we think that it was fine
that they were killed by Raptors.
Yeah, it wasn't a wrinkle, it was a pleat.
And that's why they will be working at the pleat store.
They'll be working at the pleat store.
Right, yeah.
Which is a pop-up in an abandoned mall.
Yeah, a dangerous abandoned mall.
There are coyotes there, you gotta be careful.
Yeah, you've gotta watch out.
Unless they want something pleated,
in which case you need to be courteous.
I love it.
This mall has been, I am legended.
What would you do if you just saw a coyote
with some pleaded jeans on?
I'd be really, I'd be so scared.
Yeah, I would be threatened
because that's like raptor level intelligence on a coyote.
Yeah, yeah.
I think you ate someone and you took their jeans.
And you put on their jeans.
Yeah.
You were, this coyote was smart enough
to realize it had privates to cover them.
It knows shame.
Right, it knows shame or it knows fashion.
One of the two.
I would just imagine it being a more presentable version
of when like an animal with horns,
like gets into a fight with another animal.
And the animal's like head is on its horns
or something like that.
And like see it right there.
That happens?
Yeah.
I mean, I've seen one video of it.
So I assume that's it.
I mean one video is enough.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So pleaded.
So pleaded.
So pleaded.
Our next case is from Charmy.
Charmy writes,
"'To the righteous justices and that guy
who I think was on 8-Bit Book Club once.'"
Have you?
Oh, interesting.
Has you been on?
We should have him on.
Yeah.
We just had Adam and it was really fun to have him on.
I was there.
Yeah.
Maybe I got edited out of the final episode.
Oh yeah, you did.
It was, yeah.
But I was.
We had to send it to like a very good audio engineer
to remove you.
It would take so long to edit Jake out of a pit book.
Including the laughs.
Yeah.
Although I guess there would be long moments of silence
when Adam was talking about the lore of the Koopaling.
Jake doesn't have much to weigh in there.
Well, I was listening in reverence.
Yeah.
I submit to you this case from an online campaign
a few years ago, which still frustrates me to this day.
I was playing path of the totem warrior barbarian,
which includes the ability to speak with animals
as a ritual at level three.
At one point on our travels,
we encountered some horses at the roadside
that were freaking out.
I decided to cast speak with animals to ask the horses what was going on.
Perfect use.
Sorry, this is insane.
However, the DM ruled that quote animals can't speak
and that all I could get was a sense of how they felt.
This is the DM panicking that they don't know what to do
for a horse and just absolutely shitting themselves.
I actually, I meant to, I'm home brewing speak with animals to speak to animals.
You have the ability to, after 10 minutes of ritual, you can talk to animals.
Yeah, they'll listen. They just can't respond.
There is a more elegant way, if this DM had been quicker on their feet, could have been, they're not like speaking
to you in full sentences, but you get a sense.
They say danger, and they say there are a group of people
that are attacking them or something like that.
You said Jurassic Park.
Yeah, like you could, I don't know, speak almost
out of character if you're afraid to do, I don't know,
like a silly voice or something.
Yeah, you didn't wanna be Mr. Ed. Yeah, the DM you're afraid to do, I don't know, like a silly voice or something. Yeah, you didn't want to be Mr. Ed.
Yeah, the dim was definitely afraid to do the blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl that they were very scared. This was pretty obvious without the spell.
We ended up being attacked by Harpies, which is what had scared the horses in the first place.
I pointed out that having speak with animals
was a subclass feature and that there had been no mention
of it not working in this world
and that I would have created my character differently
if I had known this ability would be rendered useless.
The DM would not relent.
And I spent the rest of the campaign
never trying to talk to animals again.
Aw.
Mission accomplished DM.
Yeah.
Yeah, this DM was playing it by the book,
just a different book.
Yeah, they were using the wrong book.
Ruined your player's sense of wonder.
Mission accomplished.
Right.
Eventually I left the campaign for a number of reasons,
including my nerfed character.
However, I still wonder if the DM had any standing
to rule that a spell did not work in his world,
especially after character creation.
Zero whatsoever.
Yeah, after character creation.
I've tried to negotiate something.
It's not a game-breaking spell.
It is literally a spell that helps the DM tell their story.
Yeah.
It's so wild.
I think I-
Why did the DM take a fantasy world
and just make it a little bit more like here?
Yeah.
Oh, I'll talk to the horse.
No, no, no, no, actually, no, they can't talk.
Actually, animals can't talk.
And in fact, you guys all, your taxes are all due.
It's a lot like the world you're trying to escape, actually.
Yeah.
I'm using a zoo book, not the DM's guide.
Maybe if you were talking to a Scarlet Macaw,
you'd have a better chance of getting a little speech out.
It says right here that horses cannot speak.
Yeah, this is weird.
I could see, I don't know,
if you wanted to play a low magic campaign
or something like that,
but that's decided before character creation.
Yeah, you gotta make that clear.
And if you're gonna say it doesn't work,
then you gotta be like,
hey, I'm so sorry for that curve ball.
What can we do instead that will be fun for you to do?
Because right now you have a feature that-
This is really funny.
I didn't know what a harpy was.
It's a bird!
It's a bird.
A horse would know what a fucking bird is.
It's a half man, half bird.
Yeah, yeah.
It's a bird with a guy's head.
So it's so funny to be like, horses can't speak.
Anyway, here's the bird with a man's head.
Yeah.
That's gonna attack you. Yeah, I think if you want it to be like, oh, they don't communicate exactly the same as
us. Like I said, you could kind of explain it out of character or something like that,
but the horse could communicate monsters, giant monsters in the sky easily. Birds that
look like you, you know, like there'd be a way for them to do it in a way that didn't
completely give it away. My read on the situation is the DM them to do it in a way that didn't completely give it away.
My read on the situation is the DM wanted to do an ambush
and wanted to, you know, like seed it.
And then once you could talk to the horses,
realize that their ambush was gonna be ruined.
But it's like, you just gotta take a moment.
You gotta take a breath.
And then you let the character shine, you know?
Even if the horse just says, look out!
Yeah.
Like.
Well that is, that is what kind of, that's really good.
There's no danger here.
Yeah.
All right, I think that's pretty clean and simple.
This DM is getting sentenced.
Yeah, this DM's gotta make pleated pants for horses.
For horses.
Yeah, for harpy's.
Right now they only fit coyotes.
Wow.
True.
Yeah, let's, harpy's is going to be like next level.
Let's start with horses.
Yeah.
Okay. You got to stretch coyote jeans.
Pleated, stretching coyote,
and coyotes wear skinny jeans too.
They wear such skinny jeans.
They have to, cause they got to run all the time.
And horses run all the time too.
So skinny jeans are going to work,
but you have to really stretch them.
They're stuck in 2014.
They were pleated skinny jeans. Well, they, they're gonna have to really stretch them. They're stuck in 2014.
Well, they're gonna need like an athlete cut
because their legs are so buff.
They need boot cut.
Yeah, they need, wait, they need the opposite of boot cut.
The horses need a boot cut.
Hoof cut.
They need a hoof cut.
Hoof cut, hoof cut, hoof cut.
Yeah, thick at the top.
That's a Clyde's deal.
Yeah. Flared.
Yeah.
Wait, no, isn't it the opposite of flared?
Bell bottoms.
Bell bottoms?
Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, they're thick at the top.
They're like athletic.
Yeah, that's an athletic cut.
Yeah, you guys don't know shit about jeans, okay?
Sorry, I've never been to horse gap, man.
You guys don't know shit about horse jeans.
Horses need an athletic cut.
They don't need a bell bottom.
Horses need to show off that thick beehive
and also accommodate their bigger feet.
It's not even gonna fit
if they don't have an athletic cut.
Right, they have beefier quads, huge glutes,
and tiny little ankles.
Jake knows.
No, but their shoes are big.
What?
Their shoes are big.
They're not that big.
Their feet are bigger than their legs.
Right, that's what you could actually might make a lot of sense.
Their hooves?
Yeah.
Keep going.
What do you mean?
What do you mean their hooves are big?
They need a nice little bell bottom.
I mean, don't get me wrong, it would be cute
if a bell bottom just completely hit the horse's hooves,
but their feet aren't that big.
They're really little kind of. Right, but their feet aren't that big.
They're really little kind of.
Right, but you want to give them a little room.
I mean, it's a little embarrassing.
You ever seen a Clydesdale?
I mean, yes, they're big.
That's a bell bottom.
Okay, yeah, that's true.
The Clydesdales wear bell bottoms.
They have a natural bell bottom, all right?
I understand.
What Emily's getting at, yeah.
I get it, I'll take the tiny L.
I'll take the tiny L.
They're already wearing bell bottoms,
so perhaps they should wear a bell bottom,
but they need an athletic cut bell bottom.
Can we agree on that?
Absolutely.
That's just the ugliest thing I've ever heard.
Yes, that's why it's only a tiny L.
I'll take the tiny L that they should be bell bottoms
because Clydesdales do have natural bell bottoms.
All right, Wrangler, get on it.
Yeah. Okay.
So pleaded. Craig M. writes. Wait, Jake, actually, get on it. Yeah. Okay. So pleaded.
Craig M writes,
Wait, Jake, actually I have an interjection if that's okay.
Of course.
Yeah, you're a justice.
Some old business from last episode
that I need to bring up.
Okay, bring it up.
Emily had an ardent desire for a bucket hat.
Yeah.
And you know what?
I don't know how we feel in this court about giving gifts.
Oh my God, a bucket hat is like a bell bottom for the head.
Are you, you're buying?
Wait, just a socks for?
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
It's a frog bucket hat.
Wow.
Oh my God, there's a chin strap.
No, there's not, there's not, there's not.
We have to describe it.
This is an audio medium.
It's a frog bucket hat.
Wow, it looks really good.
It is cute.
I was worried it wouldn't fit. Yeah. Because it is for a child. It looks really good. It is cute. I was worried it wouldn't fit.
Yeah.
Cause it is for a child.
It does fit perfectly.
It fits perfectly.
It looks really fucking good.
It does fit way too perfectly.
I guess I have a fucking teeny tiny ass brain.
Murph, why are you getting so upset?
His brain is so small.
I feel like Murph is steaming right now.
I'm not steaming.
It's my brain.
She's looking at me like I'm gonna be mad.
I'm not mad.
No, I'm looking at you like
I'm trying to give you erotic eyes. gonna be mad. I'm not mad. No, I'm looking at you like I'm trying
to give you erotic eyes.
Oh my God.
Get out of here.
From both my eyes and the frog eyes.
And the frog eyes are on top of my bow.
Which ones are you gonna look at, Murph?
The frog's eyes are vacant.
But in a sexy way.
So are mine.
Yeah.
Nothing's hotter than being absentee.
Yeah.
When I put my bucket hat on.
My eyes become vacant.
All right.
It squeezes your brain a little bit.
All right, let's move on.
I honestly don't know if I can.
I'm so distracted.
May it please the esteemed justices and Jay Dollar.
I bring you a case of wrongful death.
I ran a campaign for my friends of 15 plus years.
One player was a war-forged warlock who had escaped a mind flayer ship. He was disguising
himself as a human while on the lam. The party was suspicious but unaware of the truth. The mind
flayer threat loomed in the campaign and after a tough combat things came to a head. While traveling
on a 15-foot tall
elk the party demanded the truth. The warforged, rather than do a classic reveal, instead cast
disguised self to look like a mind flayer. The party immediately attacked and I called for
initiative to keep things orderly. The warforged was knocked out in one hit. I asked if they stopped
his body from falling off the elk and they said no.
He fell and lost a death save from the damage.
His turn was next and he rolled a nat one,
instantly dying.
Oh no.
The player feels this death was unjustified.
The rest of us feel he should not have made himself
look like a mind flayer and then rolled a nat one.
Where does justice fall on the matter?
People, I think this goes back to the other DM
of just people just need to collaborate more.
Yeah.
This player clearly had some grand idea in their head
of the exact moment that they were gonna have
their bad ass reveal.
And when pressed just absolutely went rogue
and then it just didn't work.
I don't know.
Do you think they were trying to like tell a story
through faces?
They were going to be like mind flayer.
And then I was captured.
I worked for the mind flares, but this is who I really am.
Like a theater.
They wanted to put on like a full show.
I get the sense that they were doing sort of like
a lone bad-ass.
Like you don't get to hear my backstory until later when there's the real reveal.
And this was like, stay away from me.
You know, I think this was a hiss.
I think this was a hiss.
Ah.
And then the players just attacked.
Do you think the players knew, like, did they know the backstory at the table?
And they're kind of like, well, our characters don't know yet.
So we're going to let all this come out.
It's always a tough spot at the table
when for metagaming reasons,
you know that the other person is lying to you,
and then you kind of just have to play dumb.
I hope that the players didn't know,
that way they wouldn't have to play dumb,
but you're putting yourself in a position
where everyone else at the table has to pretend
that they don't know information that they do know.
Or they even could just be like,
okay, something more is going on with this other character
that I'm in a group with, like, hey, what's going on?
Just let us in or whatever.
Like, it's gonna be more fun
if we're kind of doing this together.
And right now it doesn't feel like that.
And then they're just like, no, I'm a mind flayer. I'm your worst nightmare. It's gonna be more fun if we're kind of doing this together and right now it doesn't feel like that.
And then they're just like, no, I'm a mind flayer.
I'm your worst nightmare.
It's amazing.
That last line, I'm a mind flayer.
I'm your worst nightmare to falling off an Elkin.
Just cracking your head on the ground and just on set.
You would never understand the truth.
From so magical to such a realistic death.
Yeah, you just fell so hard you died.
That's just too real.
It's also like, I don't know,
I've played in campaigns where like somebody takes
20 minutes to figure out what spell they're gonna use.
And the DM is having to walk them through
like all the things they can do.
Like it's okay to like break the immersion temporarily
for the DM to be like, what are you trying to do here? Even if you need to like take a break and
like take them to another room. Turning into a mind flayer is such a strange move. I do.
My only assumption is that it was a hiss, right? This was a back off. You know, unless
again they have mask of any faces, they're a warlock. They were going to like do like
multiple reveals. It's like, you know, the mind fl they have mask of any faces there are warlock. They were going to like do like multiple reveals.
It's like, you know, the mind flayer and then that melts away worse.
That's even worse than what did happen.
It's poetry. It's facial poetry.
The only thing that makes a little bit of sense because yeah, like just like a panicked hostile move.
Yeah.
So you you I imagine this player is being that kind of edgy rogue character, but as a warlock of being just like,
you'll never understand, everybody stay away.
So they wanna do like a round of PVP
so that they can be badasses and then go away
and then come back later and be like,
you'll never understand me.
But instead they just fell off a horse.
I think also like no matter their intent behind it, they turned into a hostile
opponent that the group had encountered before, correct?
And they accidentally killed them, you know, rolling a net, falling off the elk and then
just rolling a one is such bad luck.
I think we sentenced the warlock.
Yeah, I think we got we sentenced the warlock.
Yeah, I think we got to sentence the warlock.
I think, you know what, actually, you know what,
let's do, let's try a generous read here, okay?
Oh, okay.
So I do think-
I think Caldwell gave the generous read.
Yeah, well, I tried to like put myself in the generous read.
Mask of Many Faces Theater.
Yeah.
Why?
Maybe it's very popular in certain cultures
in this magical world,
through Mask of Many Faces theater.
Right.
I would go and see that.
That'd be cool.
It's a one man show.
Yeah.
I think the Warforged might've been trying to do like
charades, like they're like, what's your deal?
Where are you from?
And he's like, let me show you.
And then he became the mind flayer to kind of put on the show.
I think realistically it was a hiss.
Because if they had been, then they might've said,
wait, I'm trying to show you something.
Right.
There is a world where the other players
could have been hounding this person a little bit
and they didn't want to reveal their backstory yet.
But I guess if you are playing in a campaign
where the mind flayers are the main enemies
and people can be taken over
and there are secrets and stuff,
if you are keeping a secret from the party,
there is a reason for,
especially in a situation with mind control,
that you could be suspicious of other people in the party.
There is a chance that the players were going off
on the war forged, you know,
by like badgering them or something like that.
I feel like you have to say, if you turn into a mind flayer, the big threat in your campaign,
you are wanting to be attacked.
Yes.
Absolutely provoking a fight.
They wanted the fight.
They didn't want the result of this fight, which I think ultimately that was up to the
dice.
Yeah.
It is true that the DM like called for initiatives.
There were like moments
during this where the war forage could have been like, well, that's not exactly what I was thinking
here. Yeah. Exactly. So the fact that it went to initiative does make me think that like at the war
forage maybe wanted to fight and did not want mask of many faces theater. If it was like, I don't
want my backstory to come out yet. I feel like you that's, this isn't the medium for that. This isn't
the medium where you craft how you want your narrative to go.
This is the medium where you collaborate with a table
and find out what happens.
So I think that if you're trying to delay revealing something
then you gotta give them a little something.
Give them a nugget and say, well, this has been going on.
Also on the back of an elk,
that sounds like a great place for your backstory
to come out.
You're traveling, you're riding a majestic elk.
Instead you fall over and get trampled.
I mean, if you do want to be cool and mysterious,
you could just look off pensively and you could be like,
I can tell you for sure I'm not a mind flayer.
I've got my reasons to hide.
I mean like after-
And then turn into a mind flayer.
And then you turn into a mind flayer and fall off.
They kind of got their wish though,
because like after they fall and die,
Mask of Many Faces is gonna lift
and they're gonna find out that it was a Warforged.
So maybe now they've just got this like broken pile
of metal that they've won around.
They wanted to guilt the other players
by having them murder their character.
Okay, so are we ruling against the Warforged?
We're ruling against the Warforged.
I believe so.
Yeah. Okay.
The Warforged.
They have to make elk dockers with leaves. I believe so. Yeah. The war for they have to make elk dockers.
Yeah.
Wow.
Yeah.
How about that?
Try and catch the elk to put it on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh yeah.
So yeah.
And it's already felled in once.
This is going to be our new charity
that everyone's going to get really mad about.
Dockers for elks. Just wildlife pants.
Wildlife pants.
Wildlife pants.
I like the specificity of doctors for Elks.
Bringing a human chastity to the natural world.
Animals have been nude for too long.
Hi, I'm Caldwell Tanner of NADPOD.
And I actually think Elks are pretty cold.
When you start raising children and go to the zoo,
you might bump up against it.
Here's the thing, if you're cold, they're cold.
Wow.
Put some pants on them.
Wow.
I don't want my daughter seeing elk nuts
every time she goes to the zoo.
So chimp asses are disgusting, they should wear pants.
That's true, they really should.
Or a reverse apron at least.
A cape. I think they'd be okay with it.
I like the specificity of Dockers because it is just specifically one brand.
Yeah. It's clearly like a collab.
Yeah, it's absolutely collab.
This is called from Nadpod. We've teamed up with Dockers.
That's NadpodX Dockers.
You might be thinking, did we make pants for humans?
Maybe there's a NAD pod logo on it?
No.
These pants are going straight.
We've shot wild elk with tranquilizer darts
and then put doctors on them while they were unconscious.
If you see an elk in doggers, you can thank us.
It's been wildly unsuccessful, and we're
looking for a belt company to collab with
and another rapid trend. We're hemorrhaging money, and we're looking for a belt company to collab with and another rapid trend.
Yes, we're hemorrhaging money
and we're looking for an aqua hire situation.
We need to invent a rougher twill.
They're rubbing off the pants on trees.
Okay, so it's a Docker collab pants for elves.
Good luck and Godspeed.
Hey everybody, it's Emily here to talk to you
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Thank you everybody.
Our next case comes from Daniel B.
If it may please the court to the honorable justices
and the equally honorable bailiff, that's right.
Okay.
Okay.
Wow, what did it feel?
Walk us through how that feels to read, Jake.
It felt like I was putting it in Murph's face a little bit.
I felt really good.
You thought that was a tiny W for Jake and his lovers.
A tiny W.
Look at this guy actually thinks I'm as good, not better,
but as good as you guys.
Tiny W kind of looks like little vampire fangs.
Oh, cute.
See that's a little hiss.
I bring you the case of the undersold risk of death.
I play in a game with my three siblings.
My older brother is the DM.
Over two years ago, at the start of the campaign,
he told us outside of city walls at night, it is dangerous and full of horrors. That the start of the campaign, he told us outside of city walls at night,
it is dangerous and full of horrors.
That first year of the campaign, the focus on my character was trying to free an NPC
comrade, Sir Aiden, from prison before he was executed.
Our party pulled off a lot of challenges and we successfully freed him.
Shortly after, our party was forced to temporarily part from Sir Aidan due to an urgent side quest with him leaving to another town just 10 miles away and him setting out in the morning.
We planned for us to catch up once the side quest was completed. I asked if we could make our way to
meet with Sir Aidan and my brother DM said yeah if he made it out there alive. He then said that he
told us at the start of the campaign that anywhere outside of the walls was dangerous.
I protested and said he described the journey as low risk
and didn't elude at all about a risk to Sir Aidan.
Also Sir Aidan voiced no concern with splitting up.
My DM was unmoved and said,
it will come down to the roles.
I asked the honorable justices,
was I wrong to forget the warning given over a year prior?
Or was my brother wrong to fail to allude to the risk
to Sir Aidan?
Does Sir Aidan deserve an offscreen death
after a year of trials to save his life?
I humbly await your verdict.
P.S. we still don't know the fate of Sir Aidan.
Oh my God.
Wow.
Gotta get an update there.
But this is definitely a situation where as a DM,
you just get like lost in your own stew a little bit
because like you're very aware of like
what's outside the walls.
But your players don't.
Yeah.
Right.
But yes, the player here makes a good point,
which is Sir Aiden would probably know
if there was danger or something.
Like Sir Aiden would presumably know what was up
and would be like, all right, I should probably wait until, well, they,
he left in the morning, right?
So he didn't left in the morning.
Is it a multi-day journey?
10 miles, 10 miles, you can cover that in a day.
Yeah, could you, could you Jake?
Yeah.
Yeah, you could.
Yeah, I could.
Cause I could walk a mile in 20 minutes.
That's true.
Yeah, okay.
You could definitely walk 10 miles in a day.
Whoa, holy shit, let's all go do it.
Did you try to big dog me that I couldn't walk 10 miles?
I think you could. You'd be like, yeah, it's a tough, let's all go do it. Did you try to big dog me that I couldn't walk 10 miles? Let's all go do it.
You'd be like, yeah, it's a tough hike, but Jake can do it.
Let's go, man.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
He just does it easily.
We just have a nice day.
Could Jake possibly walk less than a half marathon?
I hadn't thought of that.
I don't believe it.
Oh, shit.
Fuck, he did it, and we had a nice picnic afterwards.
God damn it.
He did it, he's pretty tired because it's a lot.
He got home in time for an early dinner.
Yeah.
This is what I want to introduce
is just big dogging your friends like this.
It's like you just like present a very realistic challenge
and have a nice day.
But it's presented in antagonistic terms.
Right.
You challenged me to just get a lot of steps in really.
Yeah. There's no way you could get on a boat and go skiing with me.
Dude, absolutely no way.
I also think that if this person,
if this DM wants the outside world to be a threat,
then that should have been an undercurrent amongst everyone
who lives in this place.
Yeah.
And so Sir Aiden would have been all about that.
Sir Aiden is from this place.
Yeah.
Sir Aiden would have been the perfect example in time
to reiterate the dangers outside the walls.
Cause like as a DM, you kind of sometimes have to
like recirculate ideas like that.
Yeah, definitely.
If it's been a while since you've like mentioned it.
I mean, that's just good storytelling.
Like even if it's not DMing,
that's just how you tell a story.
Sir Aiden's gonna go and the journey's gonna be dangerous.
I think this DM could have had their cake and eat it too
by just being like, all right,
Sir Aiden thinks this is really important.
It's gonna be a little bit dangerous,
but he really wants to go now
and maybe does a persuasion check.
And you could have realistically done that.
I think your brother also forgot the warning that he gave.
Oh, that's actually really good point.
Because in the moment, that's an easy time to do it.
And then he like, he remembered as he's prepping
for the next session, he's like, oh yeah.
It's really dangerous outside though.
Oh cool.
I'll just have coyotes and dockers attack.
So yeah.
Awesome.
Fuck their karate kicking in.
They're pushing boots in it.
They're walking on bipedal lotion.
Holy shit.
Chino's have stretch.
Here's a question.
I'm gonna bring something up to the court.
What about, are we charging this DM with future crime?
That's true.
Are we precogging them?
Precogs obviously.
Are we precogging?
We can't precog, I don't have any milk.
I only have cottage cheese in the house.
Are we acting like we have precog milk right now? Are we big cogging them? Are we pre-cocking? We can't pre-cock, I don't have any milk. I only have cottage cheese in the house. Are we in pre-cocked milk right now? Are we acting like we have pre-cocked milk right now?
Are we big-cocking them?
Because here's the question, here's the question.
Has this DM just doing smoke and mirrors?
Is this DM just tricking their player
into thinking that there's danger
when there isn't necessarily danger?
We also don't know the roles.
Maybe the DM is like, he's doing it really safely,
but on a nat one, he could get into trouble.
Totally.
Do you think this is like M Night Shyamalan's The Village?
I haven't seen that.
There's some different things that could happen
to Sir Aiden too.
Like roles could mean like he got into trouble
and fought his way out.
Yeah.
I would disagree if it's like,
I'm gonna roll basically a death save for Sir Aiden
to see if he's dead or alive.
Yeah.
That's not cool. What if it's like,
yeah, the woods are dangerous. Here's like some of the adventures that Sir Aiden got into. And now
you're roped up in that too. That's interesting. Okay. So we can't ask the court weight on this.
I'm going to play it on both sides. So I'm going to say that's my most generous read that I can
give to the DM is that the DM is just putting up a smoke screen
and just keeping their players engaged,
which is interesting.
However, it isn't the best storytelling
and it is frustrating for players to dangle something
that they've, like dangle essentially a quest
that they've already completed and be like,
hey, that quest might've been useless.
You know what I mean?
Like if you guys are, if this is like a Lord of the Rings
type quest and you guys have a MacGuffin
that you were trying to get, and then I have a trusted NPC
be like, thanks for getting that.
I'll hang onto it for the night.
And then you guys go out for a fight and I'm like,
that guy might not have hung onto it.
And that's where we'll end our session.
It's like, well, we just spent hours trying to get it.
We had the person, we rolled an insight check
and they said it was fine.
What the fuck?
Sir Adrian went to the airport
and he lost the one ring game.
So I'll say, I will say like,
most generous rate I can give is DM's doing a smoke screen,
but if it is a smoke screen,
I do think it is still kind of weak
because you know, you're not,
I don't know if you're scared,
you're not scaring your players in the right way.
Well, if you want it to be a smoke screen,
I feel like you do need to like sprinkle more details.
There need to be like, you know, like people talking,
like government officials need to be like,
we don't go outside the gates.
If Aiden was specifically being reckless,
then that would be one thing.
And then if the players decide to ignore that.
You can do that, but even that is just, OK, you already had to save this guy once.
He's just going around getting himself into trouble wherever he goes.
But also the DM neglected a very fun moment, a very fun opportunity for the players,
which is whenever somebody like departs that you've been hanging out with,
it's always great to like give them a little boost or gift to go with.
Yeah, like you could just be like, oh, I'm going to give you guidance
for your journey or something like that, oh, I'm gonna give you guidance for your journey
or something like that.
Or I'm gonna give you this item to hold on to
so that you will like have a better chance of survival.
I feel like the DM like missed an opportunity there.
This DM is also setting up kind of a bad precedent
where anytime these people part with anybody.
You come with us, it's too dangerous out there.
Sir Aiden fell off an elk and died.
So we can't have anybody else going off on their own.
Sometimes those gotchas, when they aren't earned,
make your players play scared.
Yeah.
I'm gonna bring it back to pro wrestling.
Oh, thank God.
With pro wrestling, heels, the bad guys.
It only took 45 minutes.
Yeah.
And that's fine.
He got there.
This is important, this is important, okay?
Heels are trying to get heat.
Heat is getting people mad at you
and getting people to boo you and stuff.
And as a DM, you are trying to get a certain amount of heat.
And heat is good because it means that
people want to watch you get your ass kicked.
They really want, that will sell the pay-per-view,
seeing the hero beat the heel
because the people hate you so much,
but they also kind of love you
because they do want to see you in the match.
They want to see you fight, right?
Right.
Then there's a thing called go away heat,
which is when people just pull you
because they fucking hate you and they think you suck.
They don't, they actually don't want that.
Like if I suddenly tomorrow was just headlining
Monday night raw, I would have go away heat because people would just be like,
you can't wrestle, why the fuck are you here?
This example just gave me a window into your brain and heart
which is you've wondered, what would it be like
if I was just headlining Raw?
I would get go away heat, I would get go away heat.
You're all of a sudden in the promo,
never been discussed before.
Totally, and that would give you go away heat.
Yeah. Yeah. Roman Reigns give you go away heat. Yeah. Yeah.
Roman Reigns going up against Murph.
Yeah.
I'm picturing my people just being like,
what, we're doing podcasters?
Yeah.
In the media now?
In the audio medium?
If they brought on a Dungeons and Dragons podcaster
and just expected every-
Would your name be the DM?
Yeah, definitely.
Oh, yeah, and you're like,
I'm gonna railroad you, choo choo.
Oh, that's good.
And no one responds.
I'm gonna do this one.
I'm gonna do this one by the book.
You smack him with a book.
And I smack a Dungeon Master's guy that has tape over it
because we can't show the logo
because the people of the coast wouldn't agree.
It says dragon maestro on it.
Yeah.
I would have.
Even if I acted like a quote unquote good guy,
if somebody would still get cheered for kicking my ass,
because I have go away heat, they wouldn't want me there.
Even if I was a good guy.
Everything you're describing sounds really fun and confusing.
I feel like the WWE should do that.
But confusion is bad.
Confusion is bad for this type of thing. Yeah. That's you. It's fun and confusing. I feel like the WWE should do that. But confusion is bad. Confusion is bad for this type of thing.
Yeah, I've got to-
That's you, it's fun for me.
I've gotten too deep into the tank here.
With wrestling.
I mean, this whole thing made me side with the DM,
and I don't think that was your intent.
No, no, no.
My thing with the DM is that the DM has go away heat.
The DM does not have the proper heat.
Yeah, but right now I'm rooting for you
to go on WWE and get go away heat.
No, that's go away heat.
We love watching you.
We love watching you.
I mean, I have too much respect for the business
to think that if I was to go on Raw,
it would be just to have to go on Raw.
Dude, you would have to go on Raw.
Just to have a random jabroni to get pulled out of the crowd
to get beaten up by a midcard heel.
Imagine Murr's speech when he's like,
you know where I come from? Raw means rules is written.
I don't get a speech.
I haven't paid my dues.
Oh, and I can be there with a brief
to see the rules lawyer.
No, none of us are there.
None of us are there.
And your bucket hat.
We haven't earned it.
Yes.
We haven't earned it.
And I'm on the phone the whole time.
No.
The only way I could be on Raw is if I was a plant
and they were like, oh, this guy really hates Gunther.
And it's like me with like a sign.
And then the dude comes over and pulls me over the cage
and then beats the shit out of me.
And they never reference who I am.
I'm just some random jabroni who gets destroyed.
That'd be sick.
Yeah, that would be awesome.
He's distracting though for like the three people
in the room who you are.
Yeah, that'd be 10 people in the audience just being like,
is that a guy from that?
Is that a college work?
College, college, he was right.
Oh, oh shit.
And what's this?
What's this?
The frog hat army is coming to his support?
I would never, I would never disrespect the business.
None of us could beat a wrestler.
We don't, we'd get go away heat.
But I think, yeah, I see what Emily's saying though,
because I have heat for you getting go away heat.
Yeah, me too.
Got it.
I'm so heated.
I am in heat for you getting go away heat.
We've gotten so lost in the wrestling.
My point is, good heat is when the, you know,
Strahd gets one up on the players and then disappears
and casts a spell to escape.
And then the players are like, ah, count Strahd,
I'm gonna get you.
Go away heat would be like, if you made up some spell
so that Strahd could stun everyone, that wasn't real.
And then everyone had to make DC 40 checks
to ever get out of it.
And then Strahd Strata escaped.
That's go away heat.
Yeah.
I still think though that your original argument
was pretty compelling, which is we can't sentence this DM
for crimes that have not been committed.
But I also think that this is,
this is the player's brother, the DM.
Yeah.
So I think this is some brother razzling.
I think this is some brother bullying.
Maybe.
I think I'm with the go away heat theory.
As much as I made the case for them saying,
is this future crime?
That is true to a certain extent,
but I also think the smoke screen
is not satisfying storyteller.
I think this DM hasn't shown us
what they're gonna do yet.
Okay.
You think it got true heat lying beneath?
I think we won't know until the final reveal.
I think the smoke machine is a fog machine.
Well, I'll say I don't want to like
extinguish their flame just yet.
I feel like we do need to punish them,
but I want it to be a light one.
I want it to just be George for coyotes.
Okay.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
Are people against the DM here?
Cause I am going to vote against the DM.
Yeah, I think so, but I'm not voting.
12! We haven't seen the prestige yet., I think so, but I'm not voting. 12!
We haven't seen the prestige yet.
I abstain.
I forgot that was an option.
I'll abstain as well.
I'm abstaining.
Okay, great.
So I win?
Yeah, yeah, I'm with you.
I think they need to be punished,
but just a light punishment.
Great. Okay, okay.
And it was jorts for coyotes.
So jorted.
Jorts are a lot easier to fit on animals.
Exactly, yeah.
You don't have to like shimmy them up the legs.
You don't have to taper. You don't have to taper Cause you don't have to like shimmy them up the legs.
You don't have to like bunch up the entire pant leg
and shove it on in one quick motion,
which is what I have to do with my child.
From the way you did that motion,
I was like, ah, okay, autobiographical.
He's done that before.
I could put jeans on a coyote.
I believe it.
You think so?
Yeah, I could walk 10 miles.
I could put jeans on a coyote.
I believe this about myself. One of those is way harder than the other. But could you believe it. You think so? I could walk 10 miles, I could put jeans on a coyote. I believe this about myself.
One of those is way harder than the other.
But could you do it both in one day?
If the coyote is 10 miles away,
that's the ultimate challenge.
Right, if you get there, you're tired,
all you want is an Arnold Palmer,
but actually you have to put jorts on a coyote first.
I do the 10 mile walk and I see the coyote
at the top of the hill, just waiting for me.
I would say I can't get my feistier cats
into a carrier to bring them to the vet.
So I'm gonna say I definitely can't put jeans on a coyote.
We had to cancel a vet appointment one time
because we couldn't get our cat into the carrier.
She's a willful one.
Yeah, well the thing is your cats don't wanna eat you,
but a coyote would be like trying to chomp me.
Oh my God.
A cattle eat your face after you die.
But after you die, you're still alive.
They love you.
It's a communion.
The trick is to get the coyote
to want to put the jeans on himself.
Yeah.
That's really the secret.
So you're actually wearing the jorts,
making them look so fashionable.
And then you get approached by the coyote,
not in hostility, but rather in curiosity.
Hey, where'd you get those jorts?
Oh, these?
Oh, that's actually crazy.
I actually have two pairs on if you want another one.
But you could never pull these off, kind of.
I don't think so.
Yeah, sorry.
I think it's for humans only.
It's more for humans.
Start walking away.
I don't think so.
These are a size 32.
Okay, so jordered.
So jordered.
So jordered, amazing.
So jordered and our final case comes from Greg D.
Greg writes, esteem justices and the meddling bailiff jock
I want to say.
Yeah.
That's kind of cool.
I like meddling for you.
Yeah, I like that you give me enough credit
that I could meddle.
My friends and I play a bi-weekly five E campaign.
One week, I knew I was not gonna be able
to make it the next session.
We have a rule that if you can't make it,
the DM turns you into an NPC and plays for you
so you still get experience and you get to stay
at the same level as everyone else.
Sure, great.
Okay.
Great, perfect.
The DM is my best friend forever.
Okay.
Oh, that's so nice.
What could possibly go wrong?
We'll see if the friendship lasts.
High five, let's do our secret handshake.
Maybe we should just bless this friendship.
Yeah, we bless your friendship.
Thank you.
We bless your friendship, thank you so much.
Yeah, that's where it ends.
I'm not there, I'm not there.
I think there was betrayal.
I think there was betrayal.
At the end of the session,
what I thought was jokingly,
told the DM to use me as a quote,
meat shield for everyone.
So we could get out of the fight you're about to get into.
Well, I come to find out that he took me seriously
and my character full on died
while taking the majority of the damage for everyone.
I'm not truly upset, but should I have clarified
that I was being sarcastic and not serious?
It was early in the campaign
and I just made a new character
that was this guy's cousin, but still.
Yeah, no, this is, it's weird.
I think it's a weird move from the DM.
I have this DM has go away, he was me.
At the table, I'm another player.
I would be like, okay, well, let's not actually have
this character die.
It is kind of, I don't know,
you're taking the person literally and you're being like,
okay, I am gonna use you as a meat shield,
but ultimately as the DM,
what kind of story are you trying to tell here?
Do you think that was good or fun
to kill this person that wasn't there?
You're also kind of betraying what the character,
what the person has set up.
Using them as an NPC, I think,
just means kind of keeping them mostly in the background
and somewhat consistent with what they've been doing.
Yeah, is there any world where this DM was like,
oh, I know they were kidding,
but I'm gonna do this anyway,
because I think it'll be funny?
It seems like it could have been funny.
And then after it was over, everyone's like, huh,
was that worth the laughs?
Yeah, I do think this is a situation
where the table got carried away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where they're like, the DM like said,
okay, this person can't make it.
They're the meat shield.
And everyone got on board with that
and then it actually happened.
And they're like, oh, is anyone a cleric?
Is anyone a cleric?
Yeah.
Yeah.
The other thing is, I mean, this is kind of,
they're like, I don't know,
like a go-to that they use sometimes.
If somebody can't come, the DM will play you as an NPC.
And now the DM has killed someone as an NPC.
It kind of makes people feel like,
oh, I don't know if I like you playing my character, DM.
Maybe this is the DM's goal, is to be like,
I wanna let people know that if they miss a session,
they might die.
I feel like I do this with NPCs sometimes,
and I would encourage other people to do this.
Instead of actually playing the other person's character,
just explain a way that the person has something to do
or something where they're still getting levels
or have it be like, you guys get attacked
by five vampire spawn.
Oh, and this person's fighting the other one.
You see, they're kind of having a duel wrestling
in the background. And it's just that it's explained away. They one. You see they're kind of having a duel, wrestling in the background.
And it's just that it's explained away.
They're still there, they're still helping,
but you don't need to deal with the mechanics of like,
oh, the person might die while they're not at the table.
On the flip side, it's kind of a compliment
you made a joke that people had a lot of NPC-ism for.
Yeah, I have to imagine that in the other sessions,
the NPC character was just like, oh, I your drinking mud, I can't get enough of this shit. I don't know. I guess, okay, the question though is, you know,
is it technically okay?
Because they did say use me as a meat shield,
even though it was a joke.
I think you just have to,
you're never allowed to be sarcastic again.
Every time you make a sarcastic joke, say LOL JK after,
and then that's the only way.
I think it's okay to be sarcastic.
I think it's okay to be sarcastic.
I think it's okay to be sarcastic., you're never allowed to be sarcastic again. Every time you make a sarcastic joke, say LOLJK after,
and then that's the only way that you can guarantee
that people heard you.
I think the DM does need to be punished,
but since they're best friends, the punishment needs to be,
you just take your friend out for like a really fun night.
Whoa, that's really good.
Yeah, you go on a 10 mile hike with your friend.
You got a 10 mile hike.
In dockers.
In dockers, In dockers.
Yeah.
Two pairs of dockers each.
Yeah.
Maybe one pair.
Maybe you're splitting them.
You do the first five miles.
Wait, two pairs each would be, that's four dockers total?
Yeah, you gotta double dock, dude.
For the coyotes.
Yeah, double dock.
Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't double dock when you're on the walls?
So ordered, and now let's step into church for a confession. We've got a good one from Stig.
Okay.
Stig writes.
Don't fail us, Stig.
Stig.
Ahoy to their holiness and the we span.
I'm already wrapped.
I have a confession.
I was kept late at work.
I work at a nonprofit.
Please don't let my selflessness color your judgment.
Don't.
You're heroic.
So joined a virtual session.
You're awesome.
And so joined a virtual session in a bit of a scramble.
In doing so, being on the toilet
and without any of my play materials,
I forgot how a magic item I have worked, the oath bow. I did not give myself advantage on either of
my first two attacks against a purple worm. In round two of combat, having remembered how the
item worked, I decided to give myself elven accuracy style double advantage on one of my attacks
after regular advantage wasn't enough to hit.
I crit. I dealt some mean ass damage to this worm, which we were destined to
whomp within the round anyway. I don't feel bad. Wait, why are you confessing that?
Sting! I trusted you, Sting! You've lost. I knew it wasn't going to make a meaningful difference
and took the nat 20 as a sign that dice cries approved
of me letting myself have a little more fun.
What?
Okay.
This is not a confession.
Can we just go back?
You were on the toilet.
After a really long day at work,
parentheses, at a nonprofit.
Open to other opinions though, LOL.
What's he whispering down to y'all?
Stig, you're okay in my book.
Yeah.
You're a loose cannon, I love it.
Stig, you do unfortunately have to take one
of your prize D20s and flush it down the toilet.
Yeah, I was gonna say, my only issue, honestly,
what you did was wrong, but your attitude is funny. Stig is playing on the toilet. Honestly, what you did was wrong, but your attitude is funny.
Stig is playing on the toilet.
Stig is lying about their nat 20s.
I really, really need to say no to the toilet.
Stig is not-
Do you need to go to the toilet?
Is completely unrepentant and yet is coming into confession
and just bragging.
It almost feels like a mirror joined-
Technically it is a confession.
They're confessing, just not guilt.
It almost feels like a mirror joined the Patreon. Yes, it does feel like an a mirror join. Technically it is a confession. They're confessing, just not guilt. It almost feels like a mirror join the Patreon.
Yes, it does feel like a mirror bit.
It feels like a mirror bit.
I just saw him last week.
It has like fake, am I the asshole vibes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They dropped the non-profit thing twice
at the top and at the end.
You can't just keep rolling
and assume that that means Dice Christ is on your side.
Yeah.
You will get an at 20 eventually.
If you roll four times, it's not, you know,
statistically that's pretty normal.
You didn't come to us for forgiveness,
so we're not gonna give it to you.
I hope you've all enjoyed this interaction nonetheless,
though.
No forgiveness for you.
God bless or get neglected.
You do have get out heat, unfortunately.
Get out heat.
You're getting some go away heat.
Whoa, Stig just took a handful of wafers
and walked out of the church.
Yeah.
That's Stig style.
They work for a nonprofit, unfortunately.
You've made a mockery of this church.
Stig, you're absolute walking blasphemy.
Get out of here. Get out deserved it. Stig, you're absolute walking blasphemy. Get out of here.
Get out of here, Stig.
And don't come back or do, I don't know, I can't.
Stig's gaming in the confession booth.
It can't be stopped.
So, so not forgiven.
So not forgiven.
So not forgiven.
We love you.
So not forgiven.
And with that, why don't we go ahead and wrap this one up?
Thank you all so much for listening.
We'll have more bonus cases over on our Patreon,
patreon.com slash nadpod, that's N-A-D-D-P-O-D,
don't sing ads.
That's right.
Don't do it.
Does anybody have anything they'd like to plug?
Yeah, go into the dentist, go to the dentist.
You gotta go to the dentist.
Get them chompers checked.
Get them chompers checked.
Get them chompers checked. I know that maybe you're intimidated by the price,
but it'll cost less if you are good about it
than if you lapse.
Right on.
Yeah.
And besides just going to the dentist,
I've got a plug.
I want to plug our friend's show,
Three Black Halflings is doing their first live show ever. It's going to
be in London on a Friday, April 5th at Lester Square theater. Whoa. Get tickets at lester
square theater.com. That's theater with the RE. Oh, yes. You know, it's going to be, you know,
it's going to be check that show out, support our friends, three black halflings and check out their
first live show. Incredible.
See them at the square.
See them at the square.
I have one thing I'd like to plug,
which is that you can listen to this show
and also the after show on Apple,
as well as on Patreon or wherever you get your podcast.
We've got the bonus show right there in the feed.
If you're listening on iTunes right now,
there's gonna be a little subscribe button.
Just give that thing a click
and you'll get a little free trial.
Why not give it a try?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what?
You can also integrate your Spotify to Patreon.
So it's easier than ever to support the show
across all of the platforms.
So easy.
Check it out.
And you can follow us on social media
that we may not use at chmirphsme,
at Caldys Caldwell, at Aster's Emily,
and at Chikurwitz's Jake.
And you can tweet about the show using hashtag NADPOD.
That's N-E-D-D-P-O-D.
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