Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 229: Sam Campbell (Live in Nottingham)
Episode Date: March 2, 2024The Dream Restaurant comes to you live from Nottingham this week, with special guest, Taskmaster’s Sam Campbell. And he’s brought his own fork… Sam Campbell is on tour with ‘Wobservations’. ...For dates and tickets visit samcampbelltour.com Sam’s podcast ‘Lucy and Sam’s Perfect Brains’ is coming soon. Subscribe now on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Follow Sam on Instagram @mcdonaldscomedyRecorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Nottingham Royal Concert Hall.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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the the other brilliant live tour episode from the off menu tour that we did in 2023.
And this one specifically was on the 18th of October,
2023 in the Nottingham Royal
Concert Hall with our
brilliant special guest, Sam Campbell.
Yes. Now, we said
in previous episodes, you know, there's some
callbacks to the first half that might not make sense.
Yeah. And we've let you know that, you know,
the audience chose a secret ingredient in this
case is Vegemite. Vegemite. Keep that keep that in mind
also, I think you should know in this episode that
Sam Campbell
For the whole thing and it was a surprise to us when he walked on stage is wearing a crash helmet
That has a fork an upright fork stuck to it
That's coming out of it with a sausage skewered on the fork
Yes for the whole episode he's wearing that on his head.
And a t-shirt.
And a t-shirt.
Yeah, there's this food lover.
He says food lover and caps lock that fills the whole t-shirt.
So I think there is a picture of that available on our social media if you want to go and have a look.
You'll be able to go and see that.
Yeah.
But just so our reaction to Sam, maybe we even describe it to the listener.
I think we probably do.
Maybe we were professional on the night.
I think we probably do describe it we were professional on the night.
I think we probably do describe it.
But what we really can't do justice to is our faces
when Sam came out and does what he does at the beginning
of the episode.
So look forward to that.
I remember seeing an interview with Teller once
from Penn and Teller.
And because he talks in the interviews.
Does he?
Yes.
And he said that a magician had shown him a trick and because
he's a magician himself, he knew where the trick was going. So the magician threw in
a little thing there where he did the opposite of what a magician would expect. Yes. And
that it filled him with joy and it was a lovely gift that the magician gave him to make him
feel like he believed in magic and I imagine it was done for him like a genuine audience
member. And I felt that that was Sam Campbell doing the outfit.
I think he came, he deliberately kept it a secret from us, really went out of his way.
Because he wanted to make us laugh as well when he came out and not just have us being on it.
He wanted to make us audience members too.
Yes.
Thank you, Sam, for that gift.
Here it is, Sam Campbell, live in Nottingham.
Thank you for this gift.
It's time to do the podcast proper. Ed Campbell, kick us off like only you can. Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the John Dory fish and chips of humour.
story, fish and chips of humour.
Getting Tommy at home to cook the steak of friendship.
Put them all together and getting the Fosca's fish and chips surf and turf off menu podcast.
That is it. Gamble, my name is James A. Castle. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite the guests
and ask them their favorite ever.
Start at main course, dessert, side dish, and drink.
Not in that order.
And this week our guest is Sam Campbell.
You all know Sam Campbell.
One of our favorite comedians currently absolutely smashing it on Taskmaster.
We are very, very excited
to have Sam here. We all know the secret ingredient we did that in the first half. So without
further ado, this is the off menu menu of Sam Campbell. Welcome Sam.
Thanks so much.
Sorry can I just say on behalf of all of us, on behalf of the city of Nottingham and on
behalf of the entire Midlands region, thank you so much for a delicious and spellbinding
evening. Take a seat please Sam.
Sorry can I just say, I mean this means a lot to me.
I've been a casualty of the loneliness epidemic.
I've faced a lot of obstacles you know.
I'll tell you what, the man upstairs really knows how to throw a curveball.
But I was never truly alone.
Because every Wednesday my body is filled with a warmth that enters through my ears
in the form of the most amazing podcast.
I've been to so many places with so many incredible people.
I've smiled with excitement as Scroobius Pip describes his crazy pizza.
I've trembled with delight as Claudia Winkleman describes her most perfect tuna melt
I've gasped as the magician dynamo talks about his corned beef hash I
Was never alone because I was with you guys. You've gotten me through so many storms
Thank You Sam. Thank you Sam.
Oh God.
Why did I, I literally thought Sam was just going to walk out and sit down. But of course he's not going to fucking do that.
Don't know why we thought that.
I don't even know where all that stuff came from.
Honestly, we've not seen any of this.
It's not been mentioned to us.
We were side of stage, Sam was dressed completely differently.
He didn't have a bag on him at all, of any sorts,
who's clearly arranged that with these guys.
And they've been hiding that.
That was the first time we'd seen it.
That speech was the least of our worries.
Sam was texting me last night going,
I'm really worried about the show, about my menu and stuff,
and turned up with a fucking fully prepared monologue.
Those were the correct dishes for each of those guests as well.
Well, welcome, Sam.
How have you been?
Yeah, good. Yes, James, please.
We need to start this properly, Sam.
So, yeah, get ready.
Oh, yeah.
So, Sam, obviously as a student of the show, you know that James is a genie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So Sam, obviously as a student of the show, you know that James is a genie.
Yeah.
So we need to get the genie out the lamp.
I always ask this to the guests, would you like to rub the lamp or should we do it in
an imaginary fashion?
Do you want to rub the lamp?
Yeah.
You can go and rub the lamp.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's funny it's called a lamp, isn't it?
It's more... Yeah.
Like, it wouldn't be like, oh, yeah, a lamp.
LAUGHTER
Like a strange pot.
Yes.
I think traditionally you would like the ends
because it would have oil in it.
It's an oil lamp? Yes.
OK, well, let's get oily.
LAUGHTER
It's cool.
I summon this great...
Oh my god.
Welcome, Sam Campbell to the dream restaurant.
We've been expecting you for some time
Genuinely scared he was genuinely scared by that
Sorry, you didn't want to scare you man. Oh, no, it was some it was a war. It was excitement. It was everything
How's that staying on your head because when you walk yeah, it's like you're trying to balance it a bit
No, but you're fine then that's solid. Yeah
What we're talking oh for if if you're just listening to this,
Sam is wearing a T-shirt that says food lover
and a helmet with a sausage on a fork on it.
Just thought I should describe it for the listener.
And for the big finale,
you guys are going to lady and the tramp that sausage.
Could happen. Is that a real sausage or is that a. It's a vegetarian sausage. It's not that old. It makes me quite suspicious Sam. I'm not sure I want a lady in the tramp that sausage
anymore. No, no, no. This is this is fine to lady in the tramp.
Yes. And I mean you've been a vegetarian for how
long now? Maybe for three years.
Ever since I watched that big documentary, Leaving Neverland.
That'll do it.
I'm gonna do it.
Yeah.
I'll do it. I'm going to do it.
Yeah.
I'll do it.
We're very excited to hear your menu, Sam.
Oh yeah, I can't wait.
You've been putting a lot of thought into it.
I have, yeah.
Putting everything.
That in this hat, yeah.
You were texting Ed a lot about your concerns.
Whenever I saw Ed, Ed would go, yeah, and Sam's been
saying like, you know, I don't know what to say about that. And I was like, why haven't
I received any of these texts from Sam? All the concerns are just aimed towards that. I don't want to catch you in one of your moods.
And I was just nervous about, I'm just not the biggest foodie in the world, like I'm
just, yeah.
But I'll give it a crack, yeah.
But you know when people talk about food, I do zo now.
Okay.
This might be an issue then, sir.
Yeah.
Well, we always start with still or sparkling water Sam.
Do you have a preference?
I'm gonna have to go with sparkling water.
Woo!
Some booze though, some booze for sparkling water.
Why do you like sparkling water?
Or why do you prefer it to still?
Did you not know they'd be follow-up questions?
Have you ever had a guest who thinks about what they're trying to say?
I...
Should have learnt to leave gaps, so I planned to ask.
No, I've been into... Sorry, sorry.
I've really got into it at the library in Sydney in a big way.
Say again? So in Sydney there's the Maricville Library in Pavilion, it's like this amazing, it was
voted as one of the top 10 libraries in the world by a major website.
It was.
And yeah, you can get free refills of sparkling water
So once you get your first bottle you hold on to that all day and you can just
Continue that journey
How many bottles of water would you say you'd get through and I've never asked this question before during a day at the library?
I'd say four or five bottles of sparkling water
Wow, and do they offer the same deal with still water as well?
It was only with sparkling.
Oh, I reckon, yeah, they would.
It would be the same.
Because that's free in most...
And clean drinking water is a human right.
LAUGHTER
But you're whooping that as if finally someone in the show has said that.
Why didn't Ed and James open with clean drinking wads with you?
I'm more concerned about the majority of the audience who didn't whoop that.
So at the library you would have a choice between still or sparkly water but you went
for sparkly.
I would often go for sparkly water.
So I would say when Ed asked you how long you've had that preference, it sounds like before then.
Yeah.
Oh yeah, that wasn't the first time I had it.
But is it because it feels like a better deal when you're offered still or sparkling water for free?
Sparkling feels like a better deal to get for free, right?
Yes.
Yeah, absolutely.
I would never really have it at home.
No. You'd not buy a bottle of sparkling water for home?
I've bought a soda stream but never for myself as a gift.
You bought it as a gift for other people? For my friend's wife.
It's a bit weird.
I was living with them both. She's my friend as well.
They're in their fifties when we use my soul cox yeah it is yeah
mark silcox's wife I used to live with Mark Silcox nearly airport I don't know
it's a shame that no one will know who Mark Silcox is,
but also it would take way too long to explain to this man.
Mark Silcox, OK, just quick country.
If Mark Silcox came on now, you would all look to Sam as the voice of reason.
That's what kind of a man Mark Silcox is. So Mark Silcox's wife, as I far as I understand
I've never met her, but she's a very normal person. And you bought her a soda stream.
Yeah.
Is that because she expressed an interest in becoming a soda stream?
It must have come up.
And was it for her birthday or something? It was when I left their home.
Yeah, well like when I was trying for me to you know find my own place I can't be living with.
Yeah, yeah so you left a soda stream in your place essentially. Yeah.
Pop Lumps or Bread? Pop Lumps or Bread Sam Campbell? Pop Lumps or Bread?
Popped-Obs omelette! The sausage stave.
I really thought that was the end of the sausage there and it's rock solid up there.
It's impressive.
Oh, um...
Popped-Obs omelette, Sam.
Oh!
Um...
Listen, I'm going to go with Popped-Obs.
And don't be conservative with the yoghurt.
Is that something that annoys you if people bring your poppadooms and they're conservative
with the yoghurt?
Oh yeah a little bit, I mean I do like the yoghurt to be there, yeah, to be present.
And plenty of it.
Yeah.
How often you have in poppadooms, would you, on a weekly basis, how many poppadooms would
you say you're eating?
How many times am I having it a week and how many am I having?
Yes.
Oh.
Shivers. I reckon once a month. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha people and a group of poppies. Yeah. Is that the term for lots of poppidoms, a group, would you say?
I'm still stuck on shivers.
Yeah.
It was so natural as well, wasn't it?
Yeah.
It's part of your vocab.
A stack.
Big stack of poppidoms.
I know you mainly have in the yogurt.
Is that the main dip there? Or are you getting all the other dips in the yogurt?
What I like to do, and you might want to try this, is I dip the poppidoms in the yogurt.
That's pretty clever, man.
You know what I've been doing?
I've been eating all the poppidoms completely dry.
It's horrible.
And then I've been nacking the yogurt, just trying to mix them up in my stomach. Yeah. But that's genius. Now there is an argument for that, but I like
to when I eat, I really, no, I do, I like to kind of combine all the different flavours.
Yeah.
Line pickle. Sorry?
Do you, uh, line pickle?
Absolutely, yeah. Yeah.
Mango Chutney?
Oh yes, yes, thank you.
I saw that you did understand that one.
Yeah, yeah.
You go back straight.
Yeah, okay.
So if I went back to Line Pickle now,
would you know what I was talking about?
Ah, yes.
But we just don't have the time.
The chopped up raw onion, you haven't that with it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, love that.
I'm sort of an onion fanatic.
Are you?
Oh, wow, I didn't know that.
Let's hear more about you being an onion fanatic.
Well, you know, it's sort of something that has happened for me this year.
Um, there's sort of, yeah, I guess caramelised onions have kind of made their way in.
Yeah, to the diet.
Yeah.
And what you have in those with the caramelised onions, what are your favourite dishes?
I'm on a caramelised onion diet.
It's the only thing I eat
Are you caramelizing at home? How do you caramelize teach me? I want to be you okay?
Even want to swap lives with you
I want to be like a passenger inside your mind and just see I want you to make the decisions
But I see them like like being drunk being John Malcolm. Yeah, that sort of thing. Yeah
You would when I was in Melbourne at the same time as you you were texting James quite a lot saying that you were in the same hotel as me
I couldn't believe it
Yeah, there's a weird text to receive. Yeah. Oh my god, I'm in the same hotel as Ed Gamble
Okay, have you said hello?
I don't want to bother him.
I'd say the key is just don't turn up the heat too high.
You've got to low and slow with caramelised onions.
It's going to take way longer than you think it is.
Is it one of these things, some people are talking about things that take 12 hours to cook.
Is that real?
I think it's real, but not onions.
They wouldn't... I'd say you're looking at half an hour plus,
but I wouldn't cook an onion for 12 hours, whatever you do.
How low would you have to go heat-wise to cook them for 12 hours?
And they still... how you want them?
You could put them in the oven, I reckon, overnight, on a very, very low heat,
and it would... I mean, it probably wouldn't caramelise them, but it would bake it overnight. Do that with tomatoes man, you do little
tomatoes in the oven you're essentially drying them out in the oven overnight.
Overnight? Pretty cool. I wouldn't be able to sleep.
I wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to sleep? I think the house is gonna catch fire.
Oh right. Yeah I thought you'd be so excited about the tomatoes. Rwy'n credu'n gwybod i chi'n gwybod i chi'n gwybod i chi'n gwneud yma yma yma.
Nid. Mae'n gwneud.
Mae'n gwneud.
Mae'n gwneud.
Mae'n gwneud.
Mae'n gwneud.
Mae'n gwneud.
Mae'n gwneud. Mae'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n gweithio'n g in the morning completely silently watching a cake bake. You respect that? Pretty late for a cake.
So yeah I think half an hour to 45 minutes. What's the longest
that someone has cooked something for and it still came out okay?
Wow. Good luck man, good luck with this one.
I guess like barbecue, like Texas barbecue food you've probably cooked that Wow. Good luck, man. Good luck with this one.
I guess like barbecue, like Texas barbecue food,
you've probably cooked that for, you know,
15, 16 hours sometimes with like a brisket or pulled pork.
Wasn't there something that was cooking for a thousand years?
Is that what I might...
Why are you asking questions?
You've already got the answers to them.
No, I thought he would know.
You're like, what do you think it is?
I think there's a temple in Japan somewhere
where they've, it might be in Japan,
apologies if I'm wrong, but they've got like a soup that's been cooking for like hundreds or thousands of years.
Did they ever dip into it?
Yeah, I think they've, no one, they haven't had any. So there's like bits that have been there for that long,
like a sourdough starter.
You know, a sourdough starter,
you're just adding to it all the time.
Did someone do that with a rock and it was a trick?
No, I think you're right.
I think it might be a fable or something.
Do you know about the, a stone soup?
Yeah.
Do you know about this?
Oh, the stone soup fable.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You know this one?
Yeah, yeah.
They keep, yeah.
So this guy, he's got like okay
That's not how fable starts
I'm telling you when I know how Australian fables
Okay, and then and then most Australian fables good thought off with this guy or this she though yeah this
There was this fella and pretty much all he had was a rock. That's all he's got
Somehow ends up with an incredible meal. How? Here's what he did.
He went, so basically he goes,
oh my God, we're making this amazing soup.
Everyone's gotta contribute something.
I've got this rock, what have you got?
Someone's like, I've got some amazing,
do you have a food?
Ham.
Ham, I've got some.
Celery.
Celery.
Basically, everyone in the community
contributes one thing.
And at the end of it, he's got this amazing soup he goes well yeah we've made this and then he
got to have some of it. I had forgot that fable and yeah when you told it I was like are you?
I like the way you told that fable though is if it was just something your friend told you.
Can you do the tortoise with the hair for me?
Basically, it was a pretty huge race. I'd be surprised if you'd hear about it. So yeah,
I think a lot of animals were involved. I'm actually not too sure about which other animals
were in it. These two do tend to dominate the story. But yeah, a huge race. Everyone thinks
the hair is going to win. Everyone's like, man, you've got this in the bag.
This is yours.
And the tortoise is like, oh, do I even stand a chance?
Should I even enter?
His coach was like, you should do it.
It is for charity.
And yeah, so yeah, beautiful charity.
And...
What charity?
Sorry?
What charity was the tortoise running for?
Alopecia.
Yeah.
Ssss.
It affects tortoises quite badly.
Yeah, it does.
Well, they... Anyway, it in poor taste to have a hair.
Still got it, never lost it.
Well, let's get onto your menu proper, Sam.
Your dream starter.
Oh, yeah.
I'm going to go with a sandwich.
Now, I did have a little sneak preview of this because one of the texts Sam sent me late last night was,
do you think a sandwich could be a starter?
text Sam sent me late last night was do you think a sandwich could be a starter? What I wasn't expecting was for Sam to just say I'm going to go with a sandwich. So where in the library did you discover
sandwiches? Is it a specific type of sandwich Sam? Yeah. Yeah, go on, go on buddy.
gone, gone buddy. Caramelised onion. Actually no that's not involved. Red onions. Okay, are you fine if you are making this sandwich up as you go.
This is a real sandwich that I had recently.
Okay, let's pick up from Red Onion then.
You got this, you got this man. So Red Onion.
Red Onion.
Bechamel sauce.
Yeah, that's like it's in a film where there's a scene
and two women are talking and it's
not about a man.
Yeah, the Bachelorette test.
Yeah, this operation would not pass that test.
And then Rose, what do we talk about?
The sandwich that you bought, that's what we're talking about.
Roasted peppers.
Roasted peppers.
Which I don't think I know what a pepper really is.
Because in Australia we have capsicums, and then we have chilies,
but I think you call all chilies and capsicum, everything's a pepper over here, huh?
I get it, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we've got like bell peppers,
would be like the standard ones, then chili peppers.
But bell peppers are very American, right?
I think in the UK we just call everything peppers.
We just call them peppers, but I'm just,
I mean, look at what I'm explaining to.
What?
James, would you even let the word capsicum pass your lips?
No.
Capsicum is what we would just call a
pepper, right? The bigger, yeah. So you would say, what about zucchini? Would you ever say
that? Wouldn't go, is it courgette? I think we'd go with courgette. Really? Change that,
lose that. Coursgette. Zucchini. No, it wouldn't go on. Zucchini. I know what... What are you
doing like that? Yeah, I might have a zucchini. What about you? I'm the Havish courgette. It sounds wrong. It's very boring school. It's wrong.
Yeah. One be round.
So you've got the bread?
What kind of bread is it?
I couldn't say it was toasted.
Where was this from?
He made it in his home fucking house.
No, I didn't make it. I mean, I gave it to me. A man gave it to you.
Did you give the man money? Yes. So it was all above board, guys.
Where did you? So where did you buy it from? This and a crunch and co.
Crunch and co. Yeah. Where's crunch and co. Brighton.
It's got a 4.4 rating but it deserves more.
Are you allowed to have one that's from a place? Yeah, I was actually going to just describe it and
not mention the place to sound more but I'm glad I've mentioned the place. Yeah, you can mention
the specific place every time if you want. Yeah, yeah, so Crunch and Co in Brighton 4.4 deserves
higher. Yeah, so red onion, bashamal, peppers, like roasted peppers.
Yeah.
Anything else in there?
There was some other stuff I don't know about.
What do you mean you don't know about?
I think there was one other thing that I can't,
it doesn't come to mind, but it was really sensational.
But I think the main stuff's in.
I don't think the main stuff's in. I think the main stuff is there. I think the things you've mentioned can't be the main stuff. I think
the red onion, the best of all sauce and the peppers. None of those are the
headliner of any sandwiches. I think what you're missing out right now is the main bit.
I know it's going to be a veggie one. Do you know what it looks like? The main thing? right now is the main bit. OK.
I know it's going to be a veggie one.
Do you know what it looked like, the main thing,
or what it tastes like?
We can try and really narrow it down.
If this turns out to be a veggie sausage,
I'm going to go mental.
Have you got your phone on you?
I've got my phone on me, yeah.
Google Crunch & Co.
Crunch & Co.
Because normally, Benito would be able to do this,
because he'd be in the room with
us with a laptop.
Can I say it wasn't an open faced sandwich.
It wasn't an open faced sandwich.
It was a closed casket.
Sam is it Crunch and Co or Crunch and Co?
I think it's Crunch and Co.
Crunch and Co.
Okay you guys just keep chatting.
He's a great guy.
Michael Crunch. And an amazing team. Co. Crunch and Co. Okay, you guys just keep chatting. He's a great guy.
Michael Crunch.
And an amazing team.
Can you tell me more about Michael Crunch and his team?
Okay, I'm going to say some big things have happened because Crunch and Co on Google is
4.8.
This podcast changes lives. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You're gonna feel like a real fool, James. Pepper crunch. Roasted peppers and red onions
with Béchamel sauce and cheese mix.
Bang, that's it.
That's it, really?
You're right, you're correct.
It's the main stuff.
It's the main stuff.
I mean, I got one called...
You know what?
I nearly kind of like, when I said it wasn't,
it can't be the main thing.
Yeah.
I don't know if I did say it now,
but I nearly said there's no pepper sandwich, is it? Yeah. Did I say that out loud or was it now, but I nearly said there's no, it's not a pepper sandwich,
is it? Yeah. Did I say that out loud or was it in my head? Well, that's what I was going to say.
Yeah. It's called pepper crunch. Well, let me tell you, their classic crunch is exactly the same,
but without the peppers or onion. It's bechamel sauce and cheese.
What? Aka the wettest sandwich in the fucking world.
Yeah, and it's got the word crunch in it somehow.
And the bread is a choice of white or brown campagne,
or white sourdough or gluten-free bread.
So there you go, but you need to pay 75p extra for gluten-free.
Well, look, that sandwich is real. We know Sam's not making shit up here.
You loved it. You loved Mike Crunch and his team.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's a beautiful star.
Can we log that? Can we get that up there?
Yeah.
Logged. It's logged. That's your slogan.
You're logged in.
Oh, great.
You're dream main course.
Oh.
I'm going to go with bang bang noodles.
Bang bang noodles.
I think there's an eye in there.
Bang bang. Bang bang noodles. I think there's an I in the bing bing.
B-ang b-ang noodles.
B-ang b-ang b-ang b-ang b-ang.
I couldn't quite work out whether you were saying that or you were just saying bang in a weird way so...
How do you, how would you say it?
How does it spell?
B-I-A-N-G.
Yeah, b-ang b-ang I guess.
B-ang b-ang.
B-ang byang, byang. Duh, duh, duh, duh.
No, no, no.
Sam, what are byang, byang noodles?
You've had this dish.
I'm not sure I have.
Take me through it.
What's in them?
You've had it.
I don't think so.
Well, it is from the city of Cheyenne.
The Shang-Ci province. It's a delicious long flat noodle.
I've not had it.
You've never had that?
No.
This is a really good dish.
Yeah, tell us about it.
Describe it to us.
So it's from the Shanghai province.
I think it's the Shang- province. What Shangxi province?
Shangxi province? Yeah, it's just the longest noodle you've ever seen. So when you see a bowl
of this stuff you're like oh there's probably 40 noodles in there, there's like three.
It just keeps going. You're like I've been eating the same noodle for like 20 minutes.
What's going on?
So you could, if you wanted to lady in the trunk with someone, you could do it from
about 800 meters away.
Yeah. You could have a long distance relationship.
So what are they served with the Bianc Bianc noodles? What's the flavoring in there?
I think oil. So just oil. Yeah you get it near
Emirates Stadium. Hang on so you're you want just the
biang biang noodles three of them with oil which is more than it's like a
seriously long noodle. Yeah no yeah yeah yeah yeah but just with oil it doesn't
come with any there's no... There is other. There's chilli and you can get it with a tomato base.
Okay, the plot thickens. Yeah. But no, like other veggies in there or anything.
Bok choy!
Yep, bok choy. Yeah. Is that the end of the list of the veggies that are in there?
I really think that's it.
That's it.
And I'm not going to question that this time.
Call me once.
Yeah, I've been called before.
So I believe that it's just the bok choy.
Yeah.
And the oil.
There must be garlic in there, Sam.
Ed, look, take it from me, man.
You don't want to.
You don't want to go there and start saying, this must be in there because I look like
an absolute prick over here.
After Pepper Crunch.
Yeah, but we can't Google
Bianca Bianca Noodles Emirates Stadium, can we?
It's, I think.
Yeah, this is it.
Oh, is it Jian Impression?
Yeah.
Is that near the Emirates Stadium?
Yeah.
What is it?
What's it called?
Jian Impression. It's a very famous restaurant. Have you been there?
I do. I've got it 23 times from Uber Eats.
He's got it 23 times from Uber Eats.
He's in the top 1%. Some people can't hear what he said.
He said he's ordered from there 23 times on Uber Eats
He says he's in the top 1% customers
And I can't see him but I'm pretty sure he's wearing a helmet with a sausage on it
23 times
It sounds absolutely delicious
I've never...
How do you find that stuff out? Is there like a delivery wrap or something in the year?
How does it work?
They do keep stats on people.
They do keep the stats.
Did UberEAT contact you to tell you that?
It was when I was moving out. I was going to order one last time.
What? They knew you were moving out?
It happens manually.
It happens manually? It you move house Uber Eats then says
before you go, here's everywhere you ordered from and how many times and you were in the top 1% of the customers at this place.
Man, where do you think-
I've got a question.
What's your name?
My name's Francis.
Can you shout out my name with Chloe?
It's Chloe.
Nope.
I'm imagining Chloe is halfway home right now.
Hello, Chloe.
Thank you, Chloe.
You've got a beautiful family.
Classy.
What do you reckon, James, I'll ask you this first.
I'm going to ask you this as well, Sam.
When you move house, what restaurant do you reckon is gonna be the top one for you
that Uber Eats are gonna tell you?
Uber Eats will tell me, I mean the top 1% for sticks and sushi.
Sticks and sushi.
That's what it will tell me.
Top 1% do you reckon?
Yeah, I order from sticks and sushi a lot
and always get the Hell's Kitchen sushi
and the salmon, the tart stuff.
Top 1%.
More than 23 times as well.
I'm not a fucking wimp.
Are you ordering a lot of takeaway to your house, Sam?
I really try not to.
Why not?
Just the way they treat their riders and drivers.
Sam's always got a curveball, and it turns out this time,
it was a genuinely serious point.
Sending them out with helmets so I don't have sausages on top of it.
I used to get Macchi Mayo a little bit when I was living in London, you know?
Do you ever go there?
Macchi Mayo.
Macchi Mayo?
No, who's that?
It's like Gangnam chicken bra, I'll get the gangam tofu.
Nice.
Like Korean fried tofu stuff.
Yeah, I would get that.
Nice.
For me, I don't really want to say now because you've made that point about how they treat
their riders and drivers.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, a lot of these, a lot of them are bad people.
Bread and truffle, they did big focaccia sandwiches and I'm like, I'll only have that if I'm hungover. I'm feeling a bit sad. And I got it three times last week.
These noodles sound great.
We know where they're from now.
Yes.
Have you found out what's in them after all that?
No, the Jian impression website was being a little slow.
Safari could not open the page because the server stopped
responding.
Have you had these noodles before?
Yeah.
I would every time.
Those noodles every time?
Yeah.
I've had them before. I've had them before. because the server stopped responding. Have you had these noodles before?
Those noodles every time. And are those all the, is it bok choy, oil and
smarty base? Nothing else?
Come to think of it, there was a bit of garlic. Wait, hold on a moment, yes.
The dream side dish.
Oh, wow.
Sam, we literally saw you leading your notes before you came out here.
And also you then delivered a monologue about how much you love the podcast and how it's got you through,
I believe, the epidemic of loneliness is what you called it.
It's so hard to read that document that I...
Because it's quite blue writing.
Writing's quite blue.
I've run out of my black cartridge on my printer, so it's like just blue.
It's hard to read blue.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love that.
One of my favorite things about you, Sam, and there are many, but certainly it's only occurred to me
on this podcast is the way you say something completely
that has no response to it.
And then look at me as if your turn now.
It's hard to read in blue.
I don't know, just hoping stuff will spark.
You go, oh, I just had a problem with my printer
or I've got a great recommendation.
You've got a switch, there's a new color
that we've discovered.
And Joe, what?
I understand what you mean, you're completely right.
And look, I'm a weird guy, but like,
it's really what Ed is saying is it's like,
you're playing tennis with Ed,
and you're either side of a net,
and you've like just served over like a wet cabbage
Yeah, and then you look at Ed like
Because nothing is in the top what you did is too funny, you know what is gonna get is getting huge is pickleball
It's the fastest growing balls board in North America before he talks this, this is a genuine thing that Sam has been playing.
I've spoke to him about this offstage.
Sam is playing pickleball a lot.
So let's hear about it.
Go ahead and talk about pickleball.
There's some enthusiasts here.
There's a few people in this crowd who really get me.
So the pickleball, it's seriously, it's huge in America. Someone
I know went on a date with Larry David's pickleball coach. Doesn't that just rock your world? It's
insane. Sam, what is pickleball? Oh, okay. This is the exact conversation I had with him.
Every time I asked him what pickleball was, he said something like that.
What's pickleball? Someone I know has met Larry Davis pickleball coach. Yeah, what's pickleball? Oh, it's the fastest growing sport enough about...
Okay, I will get into it, but there are pickleball magazines. Like if something has magazines, it is, it is gonna take over.
But it's like, it's almost like a cross between table tennis and tennis. It's using wooden bats and a pickle ball, which
is like a plastic ball with holes in it.
It looks, I mean, it's just a pickle ball, really.
It's a yellow plastic ball with holes.
It's quite plasticky.
And you thwack that over.
And it's like, I think the good thing
is that elderly people can play it.
So is it on like a full-sized tennis court?
No, no, much smaller head.
About the size of this custom mat.
Okay, so about the size of this custom mat, and it's like a big ball with holes in it.
It's not that big, it's about this big.
Tennis ball size?
Tennis ball size?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And elderly people can play it.
Yeah. And that's can play it. Yeah.
And that's why you like it?
I just, I, you can pick it up really quickly.
Yeah.
When I'm just falling in love with this boy.
Okay.
I think so far, I understand the size of the court.
Yeah.
And what the ball looks like.
Yeah. I still don't understand the objective of the game what the rules are how people play it and I'm not super clear on that stuff
But it's just like tennis basically there's a net there is a net yeah, that's and you hit it over
But so it's like tennis but in a smaller enclosure
It's like table tennis if you were on the table, but it wasn't tennis and you had wood
and there was a pickle ball.
Ah!
Ah!
Table tennis if you were on the table,
it's just tennis, isn't it?
Yeah.
When you, as soon as you said it,
it's like a cross between table tennis and tennis.
It's like, one of those is what the other one is based on.
Ah!
In a smaller way.
Ah!
It's like a cross between football and table football.
Ah!
Ah! It is weird to say that. It's like the cross between a cousin and a nephew, smaller way, something crossing football and table football.
It is weird to say that. It's like the cross between a cousin and a nephew, but aren't they sort of similar?
No, not like that. No, it's not like that at all. Cousins and nephews are different relations. For my starter, I'll probably have a fattush salad.
Or a majadara. Oh, what? Majadara? What's that? This is something else I was eating a lot
of Middle Eastern food for a while. Yeah. And that was a favorite of mine. It's lentils
and caramelised on here. And that's really nice. So that all I love, the fattoush salad
that's really fresh. You know when you you can just sorry come on. Are you picking your starter again?
I think I think it's the side dish. Oh, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, they are similar dishes in a way. Yeah
Sides yeah, sorry. Yeah sides for to fresh for two shallots. Yeah, that is delicious. It's good stuff
I don't think I've had a fatouche salad really. I don't think I have bet a fattish salad. Really? I don't think I have. I bet you have.
Well, it's lentils and caramelised?
No, no, no, no, no, that's the other thing.
That's a majadara.
That's a majadara.
Okay, so what's a fattish?
I've only just learnt what pickleball is.
Do you want to go ingredient for ingredient with a fattish?
Oh, this is fun.
This is like watching pickleball but with words.
James!
You'll be the death of me.
We're starting with pita bread and it's fried.
And it's sliced up finely.
It's like the sound of this salad sofa. Tomato. fried like pita bread and it's fried oh and it's sliced up finely yes my son of
this salad so far tomato cucumber okay it's a some Campbell favorite so it must
feature our old friend red onion
How have you been? What's another one?
Carry on, carry on.
No, he can't carry on. He's not swing-ball.
What's happening is you were put under the microscope and he's going,
Who's snanned food?
How have you been? Carry on.
Some, the cheese that's involved. No, I don't think there's cheese involved.
Could there be an aspen?
This salad sounds very boring.
No, shout anything out.
Smart as Cucumber's red onions and pitterbread.
Parsley, I think, is a big player in it.
You really like things that have like 400 ingredients.
Some things have only three.
Olive oil.
Lemon juice, probably quite a lot of lemon juice. Anthony, baby. What do you go on for toosh?
You say Anthony baby
He's left he he came here to shout out Jan impression he owns the place
Stop snogging clubby for two seconds mate I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Pepper, was that? Salt and pepper's a good shout. Yeah, done that. Olive oil!
So I've said that.
I said that 10 minutes ago, I reckon.
Jimmy, baby, James, olive oil.
Olive oil.
It's a delicious choice anyway.
Still no clearer on what anything is,
but it's lovely to watch you realize what it's like
to have a conversation with you. LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
And you know the sad thing, backstage they don't talk, they're just on the phone, it's sad.
It's really sad.
That sounds like a nice, solid, sad... What was everything you said?
Oh, Majidara. Majidara.
That I've only had once, but it was, and you know a businessman paid for it?
No. Someone who was quite influential in the community paid for it.
This place I think is called Aliceel in Sydney, and I was living, I had this like, I was,
well, I wanted to live out in the bush. I was so just sick of it all.
I was like pretty, yeah, pretty far out west for a while there, living in Lakemba.
And it was at this, it's like a pretty good restaurant, Alice Eel.
And then this guy who's like quite a famous businessman who's maybe a little bit like,
okay, his family owns a lot of stuff.
He's sort of involved in the entertainment world as well.
So he paid for my meal. He owns a lot of stuff. He's sort of involved in the entertainment world as well.
So he paid for my meal.
I mean, I went to bed, I saw him, I was like, hey...
Do you think there were strings attached?
Well, you know, I had to leave the country for a reason.
No, no, no, no strings. I think it was just...
People like to give favours and stuff like that.
And this guy, I've heard a heard a rumor whatever, you know, don't I heard one time he just walked in
He walked into a shop and just bought a jacket like it was nothing and just like it was cold
And he goes hold on and just bought the jack like without even thinking about it. Just went and did that
Oh So you had a rumor that he bought a jacket?
No, no, no, in the most relaxed, just like, oh yeah, yeah, sorry, get this.
Oh yeah, no, we know what you mean.
So this guy is either me or Ed, or anyone.
But you would think about it, you're like, oh, should I buy a jacket?
No, I would just buy it.
You just buy jackets?
Yeah.
James, that's how James buys clothes.
So I'd say over the last month, maybe three times, James has arrived at the off-menu studio
and smelt himself and gone, God, I stink.
And then when we had a break, just gone to Ted Baker in the station around the corner
and just bought a new top. That's how he buys clothes. He stinks in the old ones and then
just buys whatever's available in Ted Baker. Yeah, most time when buying new tops are stink
and I walk in there stinking and I say, you've got anything in a medium? And they go, yeah.
And then I just go, yep, you give me that. And then I go back and the next podcast episode, I'm wearing a different top, which is brand
new, still got the tags on it.
But isn't that incredible?
Because James is actually a really stylish man and he looks really good in everything
he buys, and it looks like a curated wardrobe, but it's simply whatever they have a medium
because the other thing stinks.
And what happens to some of this, you know, stinky stuff that you're getting rid of?
Wash it, give it to a charity shop, someone else's problem.
And, you know, a lot of my fans, I think, are the kind of people, like, they shop at charity shops,
they find, you know, some charity chic, so it tickles me to think that a James A. Cassler stand
to be walking around in my sweaty t-shirt.
Not even knowing. I don't know if I'll get this one. It absolutely reeks, but wait.
Do you think you have a unique stink, Sam? It was in my scent. Yeah. Do you have a natural scent that is unique to you?
I do. I mean, you know, I live in a corporate new build these days.
Yes. And it has a treadmill. I've been trying to run, I'm I mean, you know, I live in a corporate new build these days. Yes, and it has a treadmill
I've been trying to run. I'm working my I'm trying to run 10 kilometers every day
That's pretty good. After that I do and I often get lost in my building like I'm really figured it out yet
Hang on walk around. Are you run? Are you running on the treadmill or around the building for tanker?
It's just a complicated building. I think they like
It's only at 30% capacity and it's getting, there's
all, there's some weird stuff going on where I live.
What, what, like what sort of weird stuff? There's no lights in the gym so I run in complete darkness.
Are you supposed to be living in this building? Because to me it sounds like you've moved into
like a show, a show property.
You know when they build the flats first of all
and they deck some of them out with furniture
to show you what it would be like if you bought them,
but it'll say opening in 2026.
Have you just moved in?
This explains why a lot of my flatmates are going to cut out people.
No, it's real. It's the real deal.
It's the real deal, yeah. It's a 30% capacity.
Have you met everyone else who lives there?
I've met a few, and it's pet friendly.
I don't have a pet, but they're having to soon meet the pets event, and they can't
stop me from going to that.
Yeah.
But yeah, after I run, I do, I do, yeah.
You stink.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you stink or do you worry? Yeah, I stink, after I run I do you think yeah, yeah You think or do you yeah? I think sometimes yeah
It's the meet the pets event in a room that has lights
So is it in complete darkness again, and you have to feel the pet and guess which pet is
That's kind of isn't it
And that is so messed up imagine going to a fully in darkness meet the pet event
your mind
If you went to a fully in darkness meet the pet event what would be your favorite?
your favorite. Eel! That would be your favorite animal to meet with in the dark. To be with, to touch. To touch in the dark would be an eel. I mean, I would worry the lights would
come up and no one's got an eel. And I know that you've worked so hard on this format and all the food stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but make this the whole show.
It's darkness, it's pets in the darkness.
This is nice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you think you could identify different people, like what animals they were in the
dark if you touched them?
I think most of them I'd go, okay, yeah.
Yeah.
I would struggle with some of the breeds.
Yeah, sure.
We think Jack Ross all bit, you know, let's see.
And then here's the twist of the meeting pets in the dark event in your building.
So all the pets are at one side of the room and you go and feel them,
and the owners are at the other side of the room,
and you have to feel them and then match them up with their pets. You could do that?
What would be your technique of the way you'd figure out those...
Sorry, I've just seen two people leave.
It was me who did it, Sam.
That's not on you, buddy.
Imagine that's the point. Where are you going? It was me who did it, Sam. That's not on you, buddy.
Imagine that's the point.
Where are you going? We're going to go...
We need to grab the cockatiel!
Wow.
So, yeah, feeling a pet's texture and then matching...
I don't know if I'd be good at matching the owner and the pet.
But what... I mean, you know, you're doing well on Taskmaster right now.
You've won a few episodes episodes. So like if that's a task how are you. Am I allowed to speak to the pet. Yeah that's the one you'd want to speak to I guess.
Yeah, yeah, you can speak to one of them and you've chosen the pet. Yeah.
That is the, that's one of the rules is that you can either speak to the pet or the owner,
but you can't speak to both of them.
I think I know.
Hold on.
Can I change my answer?
I will talk to the owner.
Your dream drink, Sam Campbell?
Oh.
Well, I'm going to go with Portino.
Portino?
I've...
It's so badly wanted it to be something that I knew what it was.
Yeah.
But why break the habit of a lifetime?
What is it? What's portino? I don't know. So it's like a... Do you know what it is Sam?
To me it's a really luxury soft drink. Winners, winners, winners, winners, winners, Ed Gamble winners. It's this amazing... What are you you saying in North Queensland where I'm
from what were you saying a minute ago what was that what was all that what was
with us what we're just connecting with other people with us women's women's
women's what you I double M double M E E RS women's what Whimmers. What's Whimmers? What's Whimmers?
Well, that's the company that's making these amazing drinks.
Whimmers makes the soft drinks. To me, the top three flavours of Whimmers,
I'd say Pottino, I'd say there's one Double Sarsaparilla.
Do you have that here? Double? No, I don't really even double Sarsaparilla. Mm-hmm. Double Sarsaparilla. And do you have that here? Double?
No, I don't really even have Sarsaparilla, but like,
I know what you mean. I know those drinks.
Yeah. I don't know what Sarsaparilla is, really.
No, we've never really been clear on it.
I think we talked about it on the podcast before.
We've never really known what Sarsaparilla is.
I only know it from The Simpsons. Yeah.
From the saloon scene in The Simpsons. Yeah, yeah.
And Grandpa drinks it.
Yeah, Sarsaparilla. Yes.
But... Do you know what Sarsaparilla is, Sam?
Yeah.
What?
What is it?
How do they make it?
Oh, I couldn't tell.
Molasses? I don't know.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
What does it taste like?
So, no.
It does taste like sort of licorice, I think.
Okay, licorice and think okay yeah the cushions sweet
Yeah, okay, what's your number three on the top three even though we still don't know what portino is
Number three is one there's one called crave and I couldn't tell you what that is, but it's blue
It's just called crave yeah
It's called crave, but it's your number three right of that. Yeah of winners. Yeah, yeah
I got back in into women's soft drinks kind of,
I was back in Queensland for a little bit and yeah.
I think it is the most popular soft drink,
like the biggest selling.
Where? In Australia?
Not in Australia, like most places in Australia don't even have it.
This is like even, there's even places in Queensland that don't have it,
but if you're a Nambour or Perigian or Nusa you will get this
Okay
What are any of those places?
Where are they?
This is like North Queensland.
North Queensland.
Yeah, you've been to Queensland, surely?
Yeah, but I haven't been to those places that's all but like I think I saw the last one on a sign once
But like I'm not been there
So women's soft drinks are the most popular soft drinks in those three places. I reckon they might be yeah
Yeah, they beat coke as well. They're more popular than Coca-Cola. Yeah, it's like in Scotland how iron brew ourselves. Yeah
Amazing. So what's Portino? This is your big favourite.
Yeah this is like I just remember the first, wow, if I could take you to Mon Rapau.
So I, yeah so I. You can tell me about it, I had to just do some admin.
Okay so I was friends with this kid called Joseph O'Hare.
Our family's a friend.
He's got a pigeon chest.
Chats out.
His rib cage.
Like that.
Which he's had fixed.
Congrats to Joseph O'Hare.
I never knew he was a thing that he even cared about but you know whatever.
And so we used to muck around Monropo.
That's where the turtles lay their eggs.
The O'Hare and the Turtles story. No, no no no no no no so this is where turtles go up to lay their
eggs and also the eggs hatch and that was the best because if they went off
course you got to actually pick up a baby turtle and put it into the ocean
yeah yeah the thing is because we got you to tell the hair and the tortoise
earlier I feel like your Kaiser so's a iness right now with a story that you're just
piecing together from stuff we talked about earlier. So your friend Jimmy O'Hare
who used to live near the turtles. It just feels a little bit suspicious. Carry on.
Well you know this is my life.
Just my reality. Yeah we used to love just, you know, we just love drinking portino and like making
up our own card.
Benito, I can't, I don't have enough reception to find out what portino is.
Will you Google it and put it on the screen for us?
Thank you.
So you and Jimmy O'Hare, Jimmy O'Hare would live near...
Joseph O'Hare.
Joseph O'Hare.
Joseph O'Hare.
Live near where the turtles came and laid their eggs and you and Joseph O'Hare
would go and look at the turtles. Yeah. And you would drink a lot of
portino while you were doing that. Yeah. Great. What is portino?
Well, I just remember... So we were huge into playing like Cricket, but we're just with the lid of the bin.
You know what I mean? That's what we do. And I remember this guy coming up to us and he he said you I don't even know we don't even know this guy
He goes you guys could have fun in a plastic bag
It's grape and berry flavor grape and berry flavour.
It's grape and berry.
Yeah, sounds nice.
It's carbonated.
Yeah, absolutely.
Not an alcohol boy, no alcohol for you?
In my life ever.
In your life?
Not so much.
Are you guys big drinkers?
Are you guys crazy with that stuff?
We like alcohol.
Yeah, not big drink.
I mean, on occasion, sure.
But yeah, we like it.
But we like soft drinks as well a lot.
My agent listens to the podcast and is completely blown away by how many soft drinks as well a lot like my agent listens to the podcast and is completely blown away
by how many soft drinks there and I keep shouting out and the old men in their late 30s seem
to be able to shout out so many different types of fizzy pop they love.
So the drink that gets me most excited and I talked about it earlier is Pepsi Max cherry
flavour. If I'm driving back from somewhere from a gig late at night, I go in and my special
treat is getting a Pepsi Max with cherry and I skip to the car. I'm so excited. I'm over
the moon. But also I do have alcohol. I've got a problem.
We'll probably all have a beer after this to unwind.
Ed Gamber.
I am.
Do you...
Do you...
For a beer with you, I imagine you would take the fork out, replace it with a bottle opener,
and then we'd be there all night.
You wanted a beer, right, Gamble?
You're smashing on the...
Oh, I'll line up another one if okay.
You know, me and Joseph O Joseph, I used to drink things. And do you like aloe vera juice?
I don't think I've ever had aloe vera juice.
That's what you'd have, it's an impressions.
Oh, really? Do you have it there when you go there?
I think it's the most, it feels like it's the most refreshing drink,
but it's secretly not that refreshing.
Right. It doesn't, to me, aloe vera, I always connect's the most, it feels like it's the most refreshing drink but it's secretly not that refreshing. Right.
To me, aloe vera, I always connect with like shampoo.
Because there was a big thing of it being in shampoo in the like 90s and early 90s.
Every shampoo advert would be like aloe vera.
So I don't think I could pop it in a drink really.
I'd just be thinking of Henna, you know.
Yes, same.
You've been conditioned. You know, yes, thank you
Conditioned yeah
Some washing up liquids and stuff as well. Yeah, and like
Washing detergents like I love ever kind of gets into all that stuff that's mainly cleaning I wouldn't really want to drink that sad. I have the same thing with gingerbread
I want to really want to drink it. That's sad.
I have the same thing with gingerbread.
What do you mean?
Well, I just don't do any, you know, I spend so much time throwing it at trains.
Yes, I forgot that about you Talking of gingerbread your dream dessert Sam Campbell
Right
It's so hard to people ever they say to and then you help the person choose yeah, we can do that
Okay, so for me it's a toss-up between the Spongeroll or the Pike ones.
No, no, no, listen, it is.
I've never seen you like this, James.
Well, because we haven't done a live episode, like, we've had...
Yes.
...excentric guests on the podcast in the studio, and I know what my
role is in those ones. I'm like, okay, we don't want, I can't go full GD weirdo on this
one. We've got to keep a balanced podcast going, let them run. Sam, I'm loving this
here, but I'm very torn because also I'm in front of an audience
who have seen me in the first half and now I'm suddenly this other guy who's going,
well I guess this has to happen now because I can't be saying that shit from earlier
with this because this would be like a fever dream for everybody
Also, I wasn't sure what Sam said then I think it was a sponge roll or do you say the pike klitz
Just pike let's pike let's pike klitz. Yes
Are you what's your issue now James? Well, I think I know what pike klitz is
I think that I actually I think I know what Pytglitz is
I think that Carl Pilkington likes Pytglitz. Are you sure? I think I've listened to an old XFM radio show clip
Yeah, of Carl Pilkington. Yeah, saying he likes Pytglitz right and getting bullied for liking Pytglitz
Are you sure you've just not confused his surname?
Because it sounds a bit like Pytglitz. Are you sure you've just not confused his surname because it sounds a bit like Pichlitz?
I don't know any more.
That's it.
So Pichlitz has in thin crumpets, right?
They're actually, I think, quite thick.
I think start with a pancake in your mind.
This is good, actually.
So that's it.
Is this like a guided meditation?
Yeah. A picture of pancake. Is this like a guided meditation?
Yeah.
A picture of pancake. You don't have anything to worry about. You're alright.
Hold on, what's that? A pancake? Far out.
That looks alright. What are you going to do?
Put it off, we're looking at this. You've got this pancake, shrink it down,
make it not for breakfast, but for lunch.
Make it thicker, and I had it in my lunchbox.
My mum would, I'd get that in my lunchbox at school,
and it was sort of at my head.
That meditation ended quickly.
And breathe.
So thicker than a pancake?
Yeah.
But I thought they were thin crumpets.
Ooh, I think a pie-clit, maybe I'm like, yeah, wrong, but I picture it's like very
pancake like maybe a bit thicker just in every way.
Yeah.
And sweet.
Maybe more flour I think.
And they taste sweet.
So yeah, sort of, yeah.
And would you have anything on the piclits?
Just butter.
Butter.
Yeah.
Butter on piclits.
You'd seem sad, James.
What's up with you?
It doesn't sound like a dessert.
It doesn't sound like a good dessert.
Just to have something that's kind of sweet, kind of a pancake but not with some butter
on it.
Would they be in your lunchbox as a dessert item, or would they be the main bit of the meal? No, no, they were something for afterwards.
Something for afterwards. What would your mum put in your lunchbox to eat before the
pikelets? Oh, I would have bananas, I'd have chicken
kribby shakes. Hang on. I didn't hear it properly, I think you said chicken kribby shakes or something.
Is anyone Australian chicken kribby shakes?
That is gonna, I mean that does, yeah.
Chicken kribby shakes?
Chicken kribby is a type of shape.
So the shape, okay so shapes, shapes is a type, is a family of biscuits, of savoury crackers.
Okay, I'm completely lost here.
Shapes are a family of crackers.
So shapes is the name of this whole operation, shapes.
Yeah.
You know, we get...
Shapes are the company.
I was thinking, I thought you were about to explain to me what shapes are.
Yeah.
I don't think anyone could do that.
Here we go.
English pikelets are across between a drop scone, scotch pancake and a crumpet.
So that's what I was imagining.
Okay, yeah. I can kind of imagine that.
Jimmy, what is a crumpet? That's got many holes in it.
Yes.
I used to... So I went to crumpets because of's got many holes in it. Yes. Yeah. I used to...
So I went to crumpets because of my friend Jackie O'Hara.
And we used to...
He used to live near a dolphin sanctuary.
And we would go and we would like throw marbles in...
And dolphins would balance them on their nose.
And a guy came up to us once.
He said,
You guys sure are crazy marble legends
What's that got to do with anything
I'm sorry, he's smacked out. He's on drugs. I apologize Sam. I apologize
So it's either the pikelets or sponge roll. Yeah, which I think here is called a Swiss roll.
Swiss roll.
Do you know this one, the jam line?
Yeah.
So it's vanilla sponge?
Yeah.
And you've got jam and cream?
I love what they're doing with the jam. Would you have that on birthdays or anything?
Yeah, special occasions.
That special occasions would be the Swiss roll or sponge roll.
We would call it a sponge roll.
Yes.
What special occasions are we talking?
Birthdays obviously.
Yeah, maybe.
And I know my mum is making them again like crazy and just...
She is so about quantity. just she is so about quantity
This woman is all about quantity. So she's a great artist. I think and she has these beautiful watercolours, but she makes thousands
She's just like a machine and then sponge rolls everyone in the community tubes and signet in Tasmania
Everyone's getting a sponge roll. That's lovely
So which which do you want which are you leaning towards?
The Swiss roll, sorry, sponge roll or the pike klutz?
Just based on some of the stuff James has said,
probably the Swiss roll.
Yes.
Are you having custard with that,
or is it just on its own?
Maybe ice cream.
Oh, lovely.
Vanilla?
Yeah.
Yes, and vanilla ice cream.
What other ones are there?
What are the flavors are there?
Okay.
I can't deny this guy.
Every time he looks at me.
Yeah, no, I'm aware.
This is like, I mean, look,
if you weren't this type of person,
our podcast wouldn't work. You'd have looked at me episode one and gone, I'm not. This is like, I mean, look, if you weren't this type of person, our podcast wouldn't work.
You'd have looked at me episode one and gone, I'm not fucking responding to that.
So, you know, this is an important part of your personality.
Oh, it's like talking to a kitten. I can't...
He goes, well, what other flavours are there?
And then just looks at me with these big open eyes, like...
...chocolate.
Oh, it's chocolate, Chocolate of course yeah. I think vanilla is the best
choice to go with the sponge roll. Yeah. Isn't it insane? You know ice cream can
we just talk about like quantity like suddenly you're like do you want this
or do you want double the amount of food you were gonna have? Do you know what I
mean? It's like the scoop, you're like another scoop.
It is a big deal.
Okay.
Imagine if you're like a steak,
you're like, oh, you want a steak?
What do you want two steaks?
It's like.
I see it.
So in ice cream shops, they offer a scoop
or a whole other scoop.
Yeah.
What would you prefer they did?
Fractions.
So scooping an eighth of a scoop I've seen him have a
Gelato burger sort of thing he has seen that yeah
We got it a few weeks ago. Well, I got a July burger what it was
Don't tell me you're gonna fucking start doing this now.
It was like a brioche bun and
You could choose the ice cream that would be the burger. Yeah, and an ice cream
That would be the burger sauce that was kind of that they're ice cream that they made into so I had hazelnut
Ice cream is the burger and that was kind of that they're ice cream that they're made into so I had hazelnut ice cream as the burger and this pistachio like sauce on it with the bun and it didn't look like they put a lot in it but actually was the
perfect amount Sam got what'd you get? Oh I had you got something on the stick?
yeah like a sort of a... Didn't I get...
Sort of like an ice cream stick.
Sam got...
It was like an ice cream sandwich on a stick dipped in chocolate.
Yeah.
And Sam had that.
It had been dipped.
We walked around and we ate and we talked about how lucky we were to be alive.
We're going with the Swiss roll and vanilla ice cream.
Yeah, with a very healthy, you know, dandruff.
The thing is, I've had such a lovely time,
but I can't help but think, when you go to a restaurant, Sam,
this is how long the order actually takes.
Sam, I'm going to read your menu back to you in a minute. I only just just learned recently if they have a name tag that says their name, you don't
say their name.
Really?
That's fine to do that.
Really?
I think people are like, oh my gosh.
Yeah, I agree with that.
Yeah, I don't do it.
Now you are like, it's like douchey businessman move.
Be like, well, Linda, you can get us.
Yeah, yeah, fuck off.
We shouldn't even have names
you would like sparkling water you want poppadoms and you don't want them to be
conservative with the yogurts plus lime pickle mango chutney ronye start a
pepper crunch sandwich from Crunch & Co in Brighton. Main course, Byang Byang Noodles from Jean Impression.
Near the Emirate Stadium, side dish for two salad
with Majidira from Al Aseel in Sydney.
Drink, Whimmers, fuck I forgot, oh, Whimmers.
I feel like we barely touched on Portino.
Yeah, we barely had anything about Portino. You're right.
Yeah, you're right. We didn't really get to delve into Portino
because there was quite a lot of time spent learning what women's was
and hearing quite a bit about Joseph O'Hare.
And dessert, your mum's sponge roll with vanilla ice cream.
That is the menu of Sam Cap.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Thank you so much for coming on the Off-Money Podcast.
Fantastic.
Give it up once more for Sam Cap!
Oh!
Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you, Nottie Nottie. I'm talking fantastic. Thank you, Nottie Nottie. Give it up once more for Sam Campbell! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you so much, everyone! Thank you, Nosti Noviro.
Thank you! Thank you, Nosti. Bye-bye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, there we are. I mean, that episode was mad, but I loved it. Absolute madness.
We did love it. And Sam is on tour now with Wobservations. You can go to Sam Campbell
tour.com for tickets. He's called his lucky show Wobservations.
Also, you listen to Sam's podcast with Lucy Beaumont, which is called Lucy and Sam's
Perfect Brains, wherever you listen to your podcasts. They obviously did Taskmaster together.
Yeah. And Lucy's in an upcoming live episode of this.
Yeah.
I cannot imagine what that podcast is going to be like.
You know, I believe it's being produced by the same people who produce our podcasts.
Yeah. More power to Benito.
Yeah. I'll tell you this. It'll be produced very professionally.
I can't wait. Bye. Bye. Hello, I'm Sarah Pascoe. And I'm CarrieAdloid. You might remember us from the peak of our careers, appearing on the excellent Off Menu podcast.
It's the greatest we've ever felt and we know we'll never achieve that again.
But if you remember those episodes and enjoyed what we did, you might be a fan of our book choices
and our new comedy podcast, Sarah and Carrie-Ad's Weirdo's Book Club.
Imagine us not talking about food but talking about books.
But with the comedians you know from off menu
like Nish Kumar, John Kern, Sophie Duker and more
We're not copying them, we're doing our own thing
It's totally different
It's about books
It's about books
There's no genies involved
It's a space for the lonely outsider to feel accepted and appreciated
I'm just like James A. Custer's bedroom
Ewww
A place for the person who'd love to be in a real book club
but doesn't like wine or nibbles
You can read along Share your opinions Or just skulk around in your raincoat like the
weirdo you are.
Thank you for reading with us.
We like reading with you.
We've got the ending one as well.