Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 232: Stuart Laws
Episode Date: March 13, 2024There are some strange goings on in Dream Restaurantville this week, and acclaimed stand-up and director Stuart Laws is here to solve the case. Stuart Laws is on tour now with ‘Stuart Laws? Is That ...Guy Still Going?’. For dates and tickets go to stuartlaws.com Stuart’s special ‘Stuart Laws is All In’ is available now on YouTube via 800 Pound Gorilla. Watch it here. Follow Stuart on Twitter @thisstuartlaws and Instagram @stuartlawscomedy Recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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out for details. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the cheesecake of humor, dipping it in the batter
of the internet and frying it in the hot oil of conversation.
That is Ed Gamble.
My name is James A. Caster.
We own and run a dream restaurant.
Yes.
And I know you should say that we run it.
Yeah.
Every heavy week we invite in a guest.
We ask them their favourite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish and drink.
Not in that order.
And this week our guest is...
Stuart Laws.
Stuart Laws, a wonderful comedian.
He's got a special available on YouTube produced by 800Pan Gorilla and it's called All In.
Stuart Laws, we started stand up together. I've watched him blossom into the comedineers
today. He also, you know, man of many talents produced all of my stand up specials.
And my one.
What?
Well, he, you know, they filmed it, Turtle Canyon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did produce yours.
Turtle Canyon, one of the hottest production properties in UK comedy.
Yeah.
That's not hyperbole. No. They they're the go to.
Yeah. So we've got the Steven Spielberg of UK comedy specials.
Yes. However,
eats like shit.
Huh? He eats like shit.
Oh, yeah. He eats like a fuck it.
I mean, Ed once said on this podcast, I eat like a bin.
Stuart Laws eats like a full on garbage disposal
in the most disgusting house in the world.
Yeah, so we'll be asking him about that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, look forward to this.
But we do have a secret ingredient
that if he says we're gonna kick him out.
Yeah, and this week, the secret ingredient is blocker chalk.
Now I've only just found out about blocker chalk, James.
Yeah, now I'm using my inside knowledge of Stu.
I've known Stu for a long time, and I know about Blocker Chalk.
I went into his office once, and he had this brick, literally the size of a brick,
block of solid chocolate.
It looks like a brick as well, right?
Yeah. It looks exactly like a brick. They've designed it to look like a brick
full of solid chocolate on his desk. I asked him, what's that? He said, that's Blocker Chalk.
I said, well, where'd you get that?
Something about the internet and the blocker chalk,
people contacted him and asked him to Instagram
about the blocker chalk.
They'd sent it to him, he hadn't Instagrammed it yet.
I was like, right, let's do something for the gram
with this, with the blocker chalk.
And then we spent the whole day eating it
and it was actually delicious.
So then I went to get him one for his birthday,
which I did, which was the following week.
You got another block of chalk.
But also, it was quite a ploy of getting the block of chalk because the only way you can
buy it as of the time of recording is that you have to back the man directly and transfer
him on your banking app, the money, so that he then sends you the block of chalk.
You know, I think Stu might for a joke.
Pickbuck. Yeah, this is one of the ones
where I think that he actually might do it. And we might get him. So I'm gonna-
We've got to get someone, man. I'm hungry for blood in here.
And we've fun to get him. So I'm saying block of chalk, thinking that he might-
You know, it depends what Stuart Lord shows up here today.
Yeah.
It could be-
Because he could be trolling.
Yeah. He's a bit of a troller sometimes.
And so sometimes we could get him,
he might turn up and he might do his genuine dream menu,
what he would like to eat.
But he might turn up and go,
I'm gonna do a joke dream menu and mess around.
And if he does that,
I think he would choose block a shock
for like a main course or something.
And then we kick him out.
And then it would serve him right
for not taking the format seriously.
Yeah, bad luck.
Yeah. Well, let's see if he falls into our trap. This is the off-menu menu of Stuart Laws.
Stuart Laws.
Welcome, Stuart, to the Dream Restaurant.
Thank you so much, Matt.
Oh, here it is. Welcome, Stuart Laws to the Dream Restaurant.
We've been expecting you for some time.
Have you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, certainly in the early days of this podcast, you had a habit of every time we
put a clue for a guest, uh, replying to the tweet saying, it sounds like Stuart Laws.
Yeah.
Can't believe I'm the, can't believe I'm the guest in the Dream Restaurant tomorrow.
Yeah.
And I never was.
No.
I know.
Good joke.
Until today. And this will be the first time you don't do it, I guess. Yeah, keep this one secret.
We'll go out. You'll leave it.
Keep this one secret because, yeah, there's a toxic atmosphere here.
Yes.
Let's bring that up straight away.
Yeah. Well, because like quite often we have guests in that we don't know and that we respect
it. We're trying to be nice to. And with you today, we know you so well that we've just put
you on edge massively by telling you we've got a great secret ingredient
and we're desperate to kick you out of this.
You're definitely gonna pick it
and you're gonna be out on your ass pretty quickly.
Yeah, you get all these Hollywood people in
and you're like, oh, Mr. Rudd,
would love you to stay here forever.
Yeah, we would have done, what a lovely man.
That would have been great.
Yeah, that guy.
With me, a volley of texts telling me
I'm getting kicked out straight away. Well, because we're recording three today, you're two of three, so it would really help us if we got this wrapped up in about 10 minutes so we can have a rest.
Yeah, get you out on your mask, get Jimmy from Ray Warren. My speech impediment is not good.
It's not, it's not ideal name ones.
An R and a W, close to it, I'm absolutely fucked.
Okay, so the secret ingredient's not going to be like raw veggies.
Okay, so the secret ingredient is not going to be like raw veggies. Yeah, you're right there.
But James could do with maybe an extra hour to practice Jimmy Femmere.
What do you think the clue is going to be that Benita's going to tweet out about you?
It'll be like one of the nicest people I've ever met. Didn't deserve what happened to him in the episode.
Yeah, we like people to be able to guess. So I don't think there's no point tweeting absolutely.
Jack. This next guy's Jack.
The thing is, the early joke that you had about saying, oh, I can't believe I'm in the dream
restaurant tomorrow has been superseded. Now everyone just tweets, is it Mark Watson all the
time? Yeah. But the real rub is you finally got an off menu
and we're now having Mark Watson on
because we love that people guess it's him every time.
Yeah, we love that people always guess it's him.
So we're gonna keep it going that he never comes on.
Yeah, we've added a short lived bunch of tweets
which I thought was funny and then got bored of it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Didn't get bored of something though.
Listening to the podcast.
What a wonderful podcast. Don't you try that bullshit now, Stu. Didn't get bored of something though. Listening to the podcast. What a wonderful podcast.
Don't you try that bullshit now, Stu.
It's too late.
We've put this in the agreement.
I love listening to it.
Every time you two are great hosts
and you're so kind to your guests
and you just embrace their quirks, their foibles.
Every other guest we've had,
we like it to be a relaxed experience
where they just feel free to chat about the stuff they like,
you know, the food that they want on their menu.
With you, I want you to feel like you're in a film about Vietnam and you're walking
around desperately watching out for Vietcong traps.
And is that what the secret ingredient is, like Vietnamese food?
Yeah, it's fur.
Yeah.
I wanted to say that, but I was unsure on the pronunciation.
I was like, I don't want to be the guy coming on a food podcast, going and is it the foe? Now, we know your food habits.
Yes, disgusting.
What?
No, really, really, really advanced.
Delicious.
Here's what I think the secret ingredient's going to be, water.
Right.
You can use the water.
Yeah, yeah.
Straight away.
If only we had the guts to, like, you know, we wouldn't get away with that.
I think we'd have to say water with something in it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. No attempt to get you.
Water with nuts in it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is something that the
listener needs to know is that Stuart is, I mean, if you think that I like desserts and sweets,
you ain't seen nothing yet. This is why I don't think you want me kicked out.
This is my answer for Palpatine. You know know, you know that there's no way I'm picking
cheeseboard. Yeah. I know there's no way. I'm going to be fascinated to what you pick man, because
like you're the only person I know who, I mean, similar ages. Yeah. At our age,
we'll eat like dominoes for lunch. Yeah. On a work day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
And then have to carry on working. Yeah. And do you feel fine after all this stuff?
I feel like hell.
Yeah.
I feel like I'm in absolute hell on earth.
That's why I don't get my work done.
Yeah.
And you're an exercise enthusiast.
Yes.
So like you're exercising all the time
and then I'm doing it at the same time.
That's all the only reason I exercise
is to stave off what I'm doing to. That's all the only reason I exercise is to stave off
what I'm doing to my body with my diet.
And every time my friend who is my PT, he says,
do you know you just need to sort your diet out
and you'll be fine.
And I'm like, yeah, but that's the key, isn't it?
I'd have to sort my diet out.
Yeah, but then what do you have in your life?
Yeah, exactly, nothing.
Diet and exercise at the same time, what's the point?
Yeah. People do that for life. Yeah, yeah, you can exercise at the same time. What's the point? Yeah.
People do that for life.
Yeah, yeah.
You can't do it for life.
I'll be burst to that, but...
Yeah, little burst.
I feel great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Little burst.
And I've sort of adjusted slightly.
I used to give myself like stabbing pains in my chest because of how much salt I ate.
Talking through it back in those days, talking through a normal salty day.
So a breakfast packet of frazzles.
Are you serious?
I've done that, yeah.
I laughed at the joke, James immediately knew it wasn't a joke.
Then maybe go to the cinema, have a large salt popcorn.
Like an early show, and yeah, that's the next food I'm eating that day. Yeah, salt popcorn. Probably then a dominoes of some sort. And then end
with like, oh, this is bad. All right. One time, my friends came around to mine when
I was a teenager and my parents had gone away and they came while I was eating food. And
I didn't know how to cook. Yeah. I was just eating a bowl of salted minced beef.
Ow!
Ow!
Did you cook the minced beef?
I cooked the minced beef.
Yeah, I then just put salt.
And then I sold it.
That was the season.
Now I'm better now.
Yeah.
I know you're supposed to do other stuff.
It's like something the liver king would do.
You know the liver king?
I don't know who the liver king is,
but I like the sound of the guy.
He's this bit, he's like a social media guy.
He's this big rips guy.
And he only eats like awful. He looks like a caveman, the liver king this big rips guy, and he only eats like awful.
He looks like a caveman, the liver king.
Yeah, I was me as a teenager.
Yeah, the liver king.
Just hunched over.
Yeah, you base your diet on people who are ripped, but on their cheat days.
Yeah, yeah.
So the rops cheat day is that's what you eat most of the time.
Look, I'm better than that now.
And I've tried to cut out things like biscuits and crisps,
things like that where you just sort of snack,
try and get rid of those snack things,
but it's still so bad.
It's so bad.
But it's not like James is here pretending he's all that
with his food on the podcast.
You are pretending you're all that all the time, Look at you. I'm kind of all that.
You are.
The listeners know.
The listeners know why.
They've got the measure of me.
Yeah.
So I'm not fooling anyone, but...
He'd never eat a bowl of salted mincemeat.
No, that's fair, actually.
I'd never eat that.
I'd have never.
I couldn't start the day with a packet of frazzles.
My brain, I couldn't do that.
No, I couldn't do that now.
I don't really eat breakfast now.
I find that more difficult these days.
So that's why I just had breakfast just now.
Yes, so you're eating it.
130.
What was the pastry you were eating?
A pan of chocolate.
A pan of chocolate.
A pan of, what's it?
A pan of shock?
Pan of shock.
Pan of shock.
It's a little reference to your podcast.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just to prove you're a fan.
Just to prove.
James one time was like, let's go out for a nice meal.
Lovely.
Took me out to Spaghetti House.
What?
No, he's absolutely done me there with that story.
Because that's not what the story is.
That's not what the story is.
Spaghetti House.
This better have been pre-2018.
No, listen, the story isn't,
let's go out for a nice meal.
He said, no.
Come on, you're a good friend.
It's been a tough old few months.
Let's go and treat you.
Lovely slap up meal.
We were going to see a film at the view in Westfield.
I said, and I may have said, let's have a nice meal before.
And then looked around and was like, that's good.
Spaghetti house.
I just chose spaghetti house because I've never been there before.
Well, let's go spaghetti house.
And how was it?
They looked flummoxed. They had the customer all day. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah,
we went to the spaghetti house. The spaghetti house. I can't remember now. Can't remember
what even all the ranking like better Italia, spaghetti house, easy. Hang on. Whoa. Whoa.
Are you going up or down? Going up now. I think spaghetti house is lower than better
Italia. You think spaghetti house is low than better at Alley. You think?
Spaghetti house is lower, so the low, I think.
Well, this is what I thought.
It's called spaghetti house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what you're getting?
I couldn't believe it.
Spaghetti house is where the fourth little pig lived. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay, yeah, yeah. It's, I mean, it came out a while ago and it was my 2019 show. So it's a
long, long time in the making. And I cut out a routine from that that was affected by the pandemic.
But when Ed came to see it, it was a bit, he came to see it in Edinburgh in 2019. And it was
something about in 2019, your greatest fear is not being invited on your friends podcasts
And then everybody in the audience just looked over at Ed. Yeah, but also I would say they looked over at me because you
Direct me directly
What's he looking at? Yeah, what's he looking at? Who's that guy? Also? I think when you walked on stage and saw me you basically said hello
Absolutely can't always distracted by everything. Just look right at me.
Oh, it's here.
That's most of us anyway, when our friends are in. Yeah. If we walk out and we see them, we're delivering the whole show.
If not delivering the jokes to them, we're looking at them after every joke.
Yeah, yeah. They like that bit?
Yeah. Yeah. Especially if they're comedians.
Yeah. Or doing a joke that you know that they every joke. Yeah, yeah. They like that bit? Yeah. Yeah, especially if they're comedians. Yeah.
Or doing a joke that you know that they'll like.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
And delivering it with way more gusto
than you normally do,
because it normally does when it's half.
Yeah, so you don't, you know, they'll laugh at it.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what you, you know,
when we did my specials and you produced them,
Ed and Nish were there.
Yeah, yeah.
As many people have noticed,
because that's pretty much what I'm doing
for the whole show.
Yeah.
Deliver this with more gusto. There we go, got him.
Now, your specials are available to watch online.
Is that correct?
Yes, you produce them.
Yeah.
Again, just this credit where it's due to listen.
Credit is where credit is due.
You can get four of them on Netflix.
Yeah, let's promote yours.
OK, mine's on YouTube.
Stuart Laws is all in.
Stuart Laws is all in. It's it's good. I think it's good.
It's a structural masterpiece. Right? Yeah. Nice. And that has been a review quote for it. So let's
not do that bit down. Yeah. Who reviewed it? Who said that? Who said structural masterpiece?
Who reviewed it? Who said that? You said Structural Masterpiece.
I'd be like Ed... Ed... Ed...
Not the big Ed Gamble.
Structural Masterpiece.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think you said, um, it won't be for everyone.
Yeah.
Last time I came on to promote it.
I'll show you.
Oh yeah, it won't be for everyone.
What else could I promote?
I've got something to promote, surely.
Anyone want to promote other stuff?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Uh, I guess I'm probably doing my new show at this time.
Yeah. What's it called?
Yeah, so come and see that.
Stuart Laws, is that guy still going?
Right, again, so immediately.
What have we got to complain about for that show title?
No, no, you're backing yourself.
That's not all right.
You don't want to promote Putting Zoo?
Putting Zoo, the show that I didn't do,
but got nominated for an award for it.
Did you hear about this show?
Yes, I did hear about this. Do you want to explain it to the listener?
So in 2022 in Edinburgh, I was up there filming and doing directing a bunch of shows. And while
I was there, I just thought, oh, you know what? Why don't I just pretend that I'm doing a show
and just see how sort of foolish or pathetic the industry is in terms of like, if you promote
yourself as if you're doing really well, how well people will see you as doing. So I paid for a billboard with my
poster which was a really shit poster that I decided to make for a show called Putting
Zoo which doesn't exist and just talked it up to everyone that I saw. Turns out I really
am quite good at promoting myself when it doesn't exist. People are like this guy's
doing great.
When you know there's nothing to back it up with.
Yeah, yeah, no stakes.
And then the Comedians Choice Awards came out
and you can be nominated for that by other comics.
And so I just got a few people.
I was like, oh, do you mind putting me forward for this?
And then enough people did that I got shortlisted
for the main Best Show Award.
And then as a final
prank, they were like, oh yeah, great, you have to come and do it in London. So I had
to then invent a show.
You went and did it.
Yeah, I invented a show that I said doesn't really work because my twin lives up in Edinburgh.
And so I've got, I've had to tweak it a little bit. And I did, you know, in the prestige,
the transported man.
Yeah, I know that. Yeah. So I did a... Yeah. I mean, I watched the prestige. I
love the prestige, but I also know about the prestige because good luck ever meeting up with
still and he doesn't mention it. He loves it. He loves the prestige so much.
And you know, it's a structural basis for everything I do. Yeah.
I did the transported man, but I was like obviously some bits in this star some of the shirt won't work
My twins not here and then just had
My friend and comic Rian and Shaw
Wearing the same clothes me step out from the other side of the stage to pick up the ball
I'd rolled across and then carry on doing the show as me
I thought you're gonna say that no one was there
in the film
Christian Bale does the thing where he bounces the ball across
the stage, he goes in the door and then out the other door, the other side of the stage,
he walks out of it again, catches the ball. I thought you were going to do it, you go
in the door, the ball just bounces off stage.
I rolled a golf ball and Rhiannon stepped out, picked it up, said honk honk and then
did some material and then went, oh, actually I'm going to get changed back into the other
Gile and then I came back on stage.
Yeah.
It's not for everyone.
It's not for everyone.
Still a sparkling water, Stuart Laws.
Just still, please.
Just still.
Yep.
Thank you.
Not messing with the sparkling.
You're not a sparkling boy.
No, I've never liked sparkling.
And it always puzzles me when people pick it.
I can't get... I've tried every now and then, I'm like, you know what?
You're in your late 30s now, it's time to be a grown-up.
Have some sparkling water.
And then I try and I'm like, ugh.
Do you see it as grown-up water?
Yeah.
I think still water is more grown-up.
I don't like wine or beer either.
Wine or beer?
And I feel like that's what I'll grow up in and like.
Yeah.
You love cocktails?
You started having cocktail nights?
I love cocktails.
I'll have a cocktail night every now and then.
Yes, how?
Made margaritas.
You didn't have them.
You had the old fashions, didn't you?
I had a margarita early on in the night.
Yeah, people called it lethal juice.
Yeah, it was unacceptable.
It was great.
It was perfect.
It was just beer booze.
It was exactly to the recipe.
Yeah, I'm sure it was.
Was it your recipe that you invented?
Yeah, yeah.
It's lime and then the same amount in triple sec,
and then double that in tequila.
That's a margarita.
Is it?
Well, look, that's what it tasted like for sure.
Those ingredients that you just listed there.
It was delicious.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, maybe it was
so delicious that he made me make the wrong decision and have 10 old
fashions or whatever it was afterwards. It was not a good next day.
Would you say that you reacted well to all of that alcohol and then sort of
felt good the next day? Didn't feel good the next day.
In the evening, definitely the kind of morning after where you're having to
go, okay, let's go back over everything I said yesterday.
And see if I have to apologize to everyone.
And the only person I was mean to was you.
So no apologies.
No apologies necessary.
I made fun of him because I found out that he's got, you know, people used to have those
CD wallets.
Yes.
He's still got one full, absolutely full to the brim.
Not full of CDs.
DVDs.
But like, just show, show you.
Oh, it's just like
book after book the CD I didn't get it out as like unless everyone now time to have a little look at
this it sounds like it was a photo album and I had to go through it and explain why I had so many
seasons of Family Guy in there yeah eastbound and down just like page after page of eastbound and
down it sounds like a really good night. I'm sorry I couldn't count.
Yeah, yeah. That's a shame.
Lethal margaritas and then look at Stu's DVD.
DVD wallet. DVD wallet.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Alphabetical order.
P is absolutely full because Prestige has got about 50 times.
Do you think you'll ever be growing up enough to enjoy sparkling water?
Do you see that as like the next step in your life?
That would be, I think, after the midlife crisis.
That's when you readjust everything.
Suddenly I eat really clean all the time.
And I'm fully into oat milk.
At the moment, I'm halfway house.
Are you?
What, cow's milk?
I'll have some oat milk.
Cow that's been eaten.
I'll have some cow milk.
And then I'll switch between.
Right, okay.
At the moment, it's full still. Maybe I'll put some cordial in with the sparkling yeah
that work oh yeah that count yeah if you want still yeah just if you want if
what you would prefer is the cordial well here's where I'm seeing things right
I'm in this restaurant all day in my head. Okay. So the dream restaurant is a town.
I'm in a town. It's the whole town is the restaurant. Right. Okay.
And it's a whole day that I'm there. So I'm waking up.
I'm having some still water. Are you in the town square?
Start off. Where are you waking up?
In a B and B in the town. Okay.
I'm having some tap water, some still water. Yeah.
I progress from tap to still. Yes. A bottle of still just outside the door.
OK.
The B&B owner's left it there.
And it's chilled.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Can you tell us more about the B&B owner in the town?
Yeah.
He probably, he used to live in my area.
And so he wants to talk about that loads.
He sounds so annoying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is in your dreams.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
An annoying B&B owner who leaves you water and white fees to talk about your town.
It gives me a chance to practice interacting with people in a normal way.
Do you need that first thing in the morning?
Because I've got a plan for the rest of the day. I need to be match fit.
You can practice talking to the air B&B owner who's annoying.
He's saying stuff like, oh yeah, I used to go down where I slept with Lido, stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it was very popular during lockdown.
And he's like, yeah, I heard about that actually.
And I'm like, oh, fucking hell, I'm blending in.
I'm blending in right now.
Blended in, in a conversation just you and one person.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He barely notices I'm there.
I'm blending in there.
Okay, so you don't want any cordial?
No, no cordial.
Was that the secret ingredient?
No.
Is there a reason why you've chosen to have it a whole day in a town?
Oh, partly because my starter, if I ever get to it, I don't really like starters.
So it's a slight shift on that.
Okay.
Yeah.
So we'll find out why you're having a whole day in the town.
I can actuate this if you want.
No, don't actuate it.
You can't afford to do that again.
I'm wondering if we tried to kick actuate out.
Man.
Halfway through his monologue.
So tap water and then still water waiting outside.
Yeah.
So I'm sort of, I've probably got a little, a little glass by the beds that I filled up the
night before. Yeah. Little swig of that, that gets the system going. Start pissing myself.
Bread. Yeah. Okay. Every single time I'm like, that's going to be so tense about the bread.
You thought we were going to pick water or bread
as a secret ingredient.
I know it wouldn't put anything past you.
Also, I imagine now there is a possibility
that the secret ingredient is so random
that it would never be picked by me.
The thing is.
It's all psychological warfare.
Yeah, whatever way round it is, it works for us.
Yeah.
If you get kicked out because we put a really obvious secret ingredient in, great.
If you're constantly tense for the whole episode, great.
Is that what you want?
I'll tell you what the secret ingredient is, because I won't tell you what it is.
Right.
But it'll be like a Darren Brown trick for you.
Fuck.
It'll be something where when you get kicked out, you'll go,
how did they predict that?
Which, and then I'll respect it.
It won't be like, oh, I feel like the prestige.
Yeah.
I'll be just like the prestige.
It's not a trap that just anyone could have fallen for.
It's one of your twin.
It's also not like something that is like famously
your favorite thing.
It's something that you will be like,
how did they know that I was going to pick it?
I can't believe this has happened to me.
Oh, God. You've just got yourself now a little timid little mouse as a guest. It's something that you will be like, how did they know that I was going to pick it? I can't believe this has happened to me.
Oh, God, you've just got yourself now
a little timid little mouse as a guest.
Yes.
Not for the first time.
So I'm picking bread.
Yeah, great.
And I wouldn't have known actually
whether you would have picked poppins or bread.
Because I know that you like crisps.
You start there with frazzles.
I mean, you could have had frazzles here.
Could have done.
You could have had a big poppadon with frazzle dust on it.
Oh, imagine.
If you had me on as a teenager, that would have been it. Yeah, that would have been weird. It could have had a big popper done with frazzle dust on it.
If you had me on as a teenager, that would have been it.
Yeah, that would have been weird.
It would have been weird.
It was pre-podcast time.
Yeah.
Didn't know either of you.
I'll get an email to agent underscore laws at yahoo.com.
It'll be the little bread that you get in the rack at a B&B.
So is this in the B&B still? Yeah, I'm still there.
Okay.
Are you now basing your choices
on the fact you're in a B&B?
Yeah, that one.
Because this doesn't sound like
it can be anyone's actual favorite.
Do you mean toast as well?
Yeah, toast.
You mean toast, yeah.
You take yourself into a corner
where you're spending the day in a town.
And then, you're in a B&B.
Yeah, yeah.
And now you're having to go, okay, so now I'm in the town. So what
would I have? If I'm starting the day, I have the water, then my bread's got to be in the
B&B still. So I've got to have the B&B bread, even though it's not your favorite bread.
And it is toast.
Potentially the favorite, right. Here's the alternative is that I, so I go do park run,
quite regularly. It's a 5K run, 9am on Saturday. The toast they have at the Rickmansworth Aquadrome Cafe,
it's just a delicious sourdough.
Delicious butter, that's why I run it.
I'm getting there, I'm having that every single time
with either marmalade or with, but what will I do?
I'll leave a little quarter of each one
with no marmalade on, just so I can enjoy it with the butter.
Right, and then I'm into the marmalade or to the raspberry jam.
I can't.
It's perfectly possible that in the B&B
that you've invented in your mind,
what they're putting in the rack
is the written ones worth.
Aquadrome.
Aquadrome.
Cafe.
Cafe toast that you have after or before you do parkour.
I'd love that, but there's also something incredibly evocative
about that sort of like
wholemeal, half slice that's slightly soggy.
Well, you can get positive.
The joy about that is when you're in a hotel or a B&B, they say, do you want white or brown
bread?
I'm always back with mixed.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You can have a mixed rack.
You can have the Aquadrome white, yeah white and then the B&B wholemeal.
Actually, go with the seeded sourdough, which is slightly wholemealy.
Not to pick you up on that at all in any way. It's fine. It's your dream B&B. Thank you.
This is a new podcast.
So, what is it? It's the rack.
It's toast.
But it's sour's the rack. It's toast. But it's salad or toast. But it's not
the Rickmansworth Aquadrome Cafe toast that you have. Yeah. Is that the secret ingredient? No.
Although that would be very damn good. If we knew that,
hand you an envelope and it says Rickmansworth Aquadrome Cafe toast. Checking under my chair.
And is the owner of the B&B talking to you throughout all of this?
No, they've left me.
I've put my ear pods in.
Ear pods in.
So they might still be there.
OK, but I'm listening to case files because I'm in town to solve a case.
What's the case?
As if someone's disappeared.
One of you has disappeared and I'm there to say.
Oh, no.
Well, who?
James has.
James has disappeared.
In the town.
Yeah.
So what town is it?
It's out in North Oregon.
Well, I was never there anyway.
No, you were.
No, you were.
You were.
James, you're going to need to work on your improv, man.
Yeah, just on stage.
I'm not there.
No, you are.
I don't have a weakness.
That's why I'm missing.
Never been there.
That's where you've been tracked to anyway.
Yeah, so I'm there to solve the case and Ed can't do it because he's doing great British
menu or something.
So I'm not there at all?
Yeah, you're in the gravy train.
So your dream meal is spending a day in a town where I've gone missing.
I love this idea.
You've got to solve it.
So this isn't going to be a meal as such, so much as a day of eating while you try
and solve a missing person's case.
Yeah, but it will fit your format perfectly.
Yeah, kind of.
Unless I get kicked out.
I like the solving the case thing.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
You're the one who's missing?
Yeah.
Or will you be the one who's the good one?
You know, the only evidence we have at the moment
is DNA evidence of where you've been.
What sort of DNA?
Come.
I know it before you said it.
Yeah, why do you think I asked?
Where did you find it?
You don't know where it is, but some of it's on the ceiling.
Some of it's on the ceiling.
Yeah, that's made where it ends up.
Yeah.
I can rock it.
So, you've had this toast. You've fuelled yourself for the day's investigations.
Yep, done a quick 5K to get myself ready. And now it's out. I'm on the beat.
And now, your starter. I was on the beat. That's how they found Mark.
Your starter.
Is cherry pie with black coffee.
Now this we could have predicted with the earliest sweet entries.
Oh no.
I've expected it.
I've expected it, but that's a dessert.
That's a dessert as a starter.
Yeah, but when am I having it?
About 11-ish.
Yeah, but then it's not a starter, is it?
No, but he's having it.
It's a starter to my day. Yeah, because he's having a meal throughout the day.
This is what he's done. So this is why he's done the whole thing, revolves around this one choice.
The whole setup of it's an entire day and I'm in a town and someone's gone missing.
None of that would exist if he didn't want cherry pie as his starter.
That's 100% true. And where are you getting the cherry pie and black coffee from the designer?
Yeah, but...
Is there a real place, first of all?
That we can beam it in from like we did with the Vicmansworth Aquadrive Cafe.
There's not a real place.
Anytime in America, I will go to a diner and have cherry pie.
I tried to go to that one, the place where Michael McKean recommended in Oregon,
and I started
driving. It's like it was like an hour and a half drive south of where I was staying.
And I was like, I'll do that. There's some nice sites on the way. I've got nothing to
do. So I driving and then went, I should actually check that it's open. Close that day. Yeah.
Yeah. Just random Tuesday closed.
And you do a lot of holidays by yourself in America.
Trying to say nothing.
Just trying to get,
Just trying to open up more about your life to the listener.
Yeah.
I love going on holiday by myself.
To America specifically.
Specifically, yeah.
I'll do it anywhere, but America specifically,
because it's got that sort of like romantic sort of vibe to it.
Right?
I like going to small town America.
I love crumbling Americana.
I love all of that stuff.
Yeah.
So you're in the local diner of this town.
Yeah, yeah.
So it's just like a standard American diner.
Yeah, pulling up outside, kicking the door closed,
looking back at it.
Rental company is going to be annoyed at that.
But holding it.
Yeah.
There's a policeman sat in there as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Smoking inside.
That's nice as well.
We want that.
Yeah.
Smoking inside, but only by police officers.
And there's a woman, she's about 80, 85 behind, and she's like,
hey, how you doing there, partner? What the? Where's she from?
What? She's from Australia. Even I. Yeah. So Shrek's in there.
You wish. Why am I getting you? Black coffee, cherry pie, and I'm like...
So have you been there before?
Yes.
Okay, because otherwise she's got your order exactly right.
Yeah, yeah.
It's like a prestige.
Don't really know about prestige.
I'm not saying the prestige.
Yeah, that's what happens.
You should, it's really good.
What happens? One of them guesses the cherry pie.
And then the other one goes crazy trying to figure out how they did it.
So is it like a big slice of cherry pie?
It's a sixth of the pie.
That's a good size though.
It's a good size.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a good size.
Warm?
Warm.
Yeah.
Ice cream?
No, just because this time of the day you've got the black coffee, you're not having any
dairy involved with it.
Yeah.
Cherry pie, black coffee.
No dairy.
What's the pastry like? It's, um, yeah, it's quite flaky.
Actually. Now you asked James. Yeah. There's a flake to it,
which is nice, but there's a couple of bits where it's very
well done, right on the rim. The rim of the pie.
Yeah. It's quite, you would have to push down on it with your
spoon on the plate and then it would snap and maybe a bit would
ping off and hit the policeman.
Yeah. It's me. He pulled his weapon. Yeah, yeah, he shot it out the air.
And that classic cherry pie filling. Do you want to see bits?
I want visible cherries.
You want visible cherries?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You don't want it just to be.
I really have a cherry pie, you know, but it is delicious.
It's great.
And the problem is, when you are a single person who lives alone most of the time,
cherry pies over here, they're only sold in big pies. Of course. So what am I supposed to do? Okay, go crazy. You can make out like that's a problem for you
Well, there's all potential
Yeah, definitely. I'm still like obviously I'm annoyed when people waste the opportunity of a starter to what would you have in this small town?
What why not? But it's. What would you have in this small town? Well, why not?
But it's not my dream to be in this small town.
What you have bacon and waffles.
What you've done is you've given yourself a day's work to do.
Yeah, well, I want to save my friend.
He's gone missing.
Yeah, but then I'd find him first
and then have a big slap at me at the end of the day.
Well, I don't know because I don't know any of the clues yet.
Well, imagine we'll get some of the clues.
There's all the cum all over the ceiling, obviously.
But I don't know if that's going to help.
I'm going to follow a trail of cum like he's a big snail.
I've got to write a message in it.
I'm going to say that you can get the blue light on or whatever.
Well, yeah, I'm about to go through the photos.
I've got the case there in that like brown folder.
Yeah. So you got your pie,
you got the pictures of your friends come
and you're just like leafing through.
Yeah. And then the case started to do it.
We had a guest study who said, I'd like to be looking at pictures of my cup.
Cheering the fake.
Maybe that's why I don't want any cream or ice cream with a cherry pie.
It's going to be in the rock mindset.
Oh my God.
Can't be bothered to let this guy with me as I am, actually.
So you've cherry pie, black coffee. Coffee, you're in the diner.
Yeah.
Then a bit of investigation.
Bit of investigation.
So, I've got the dictaphone, obviously.
Yeah.
I'm playing back some recordings that I've done.
I just did a couple of brief interviews the night before.
Yeah.
I was in...
Who'd you interview?
Well, the town mayor just happened to be in the bar I was in.
So, I just interviewed them just to get an idea of the town.
The mayor?
Yeah, yeah. What's the mayor's name? Billy Grunson.
Yeah, lived there since he was a kid. Yeah. Mayor since he was a kid as well.
How old is he now? He's 19 now. 19 now. Yeah, he's got a good drink. I bought him a drink
and he was like, I can't have that. Yeah. On the mayor can't be seen to have that. Yeah.
Is he in the bar? Yeah, yeah. He have that. Yeah. He's in the bar.
Yeah.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar.
He's in the bar. He's in the bar. He's in the bar. He's in the do their bit for equality over there. Her name is Shirley
Grunson. What? Oh, yeah. Okay. Shirley Grunson. Is she related to Billy Grunson? Yes. How? Mother. Shirley Grunson, the high school football star, is a 19 year old's mother. Because the star is
actually the coach. So everyone really admires the coach. The coach, she's come in because she used to coach
NFL. And she's come in and she said, I can turn this town around. And so now both the teams,
the men's and the women's teams are going to go into, they're being drafted into the NFL the next
year. College football teams. Yeah. But as the whole team. And what does Shirley Grunton have to say
for herself? If it's so far, I'm suspecting the Grunson's. Shirley says, look, there was a truck that came through town the night before with like
a dangerous load on it.
Hang on one.
Was it all his or?
Yeah, well, they're everyone.
Do that joke in their head.
Basically it's here.
I don't call it the truck.
There's a couple of military towns based around the area.
So like there's some stuff going through potentially to these military bases.
Okay.
And some stuff fell off.
Okay.
So we don't know what that is.
Okay.
But surely notice that.
If we put a pen in it and ask you what your main course is.
I should put a pen in it.
Then it wouldn't have gone off all over the place.
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What's your main course? Whereabouts in the town are you eating it and which gruntson do you meet during this?
You really should have come up with a storyline before you got here. Now you've got the armed
forces involved. You've got to figure out how to land.
I did come up with it. Okay, so the casino is trying to be built in the town and the
armed forces are involved in some way and the gruntons, the coach and the mayor.
Her son, the mayor.
Her son, the mayor.
You know, they're coach in a way.
He's coaching the town to be better townsfolk.
Yeah, so they're coaches by nature.
So yeah, this is taking place now.
This is like 5 p.m.
So I spent the day out on the beat.
Yes, you've not had a lot so far.
Yeah, yeah. So as I said,
I'm slow to get going, slow to get going, have a late breakfast slash brunch. And then I'm out on
the beat. So I've had water and bread, cherry pie and coffee. So now I'm finding the Indian restaurant.
I would say that Small Town America is not necessarily famous for its Indian food.
Yeah, it's weird that this place has got a really good one. Yeah.
This one's got a really good one from back home that's been transported.
Yes, it does.
Yeah, yeah.
What particular restaurant is it?
Okay, so there's one that's in the old town in Amisham where I used to live.
Which was great, called Rajgate.
Delicious.
Used to always order in from there.
I think it's got to be...
The one in George Cross called Malix is just great.
Yeah. It's top end.
It's your favourite.
Absolutely delicious.
Do you want that in the town?
Yeah, let's get that over there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you ordering from it?
Well, this is where I'm now gauging whether or not I go in there and order a completely
different meal to an Indian meal because that might be the secret ingredient.
Trying to gauge your faces.
You can't get Malix over.
And then make them do like a chorizo broccoli pasta.
Make them do dominoes.
I'd have a lamb address.
Lamb address from Malix.
Yeah. That's the standard go-to for me.
Any restaurant, any Indian restaurant I go to,
that's what I'm having if I can.
Why did you decide that very early on?
Because you had one lamb address you like,
or did you go on a tour around the menu and work out what you liked? What I did, I think, is a hit on that very early on because you had one lamb address you like? Or did you go on a tour around the menu and work out what you liked?
What I did, I think, is I hit on that very early on and then occasionally I take a little detour.
Little detour, have a little look what's happening around and then always come back to the lamb address.
So what were the other ones you tried and did you?
Carol and lamb, Everest lamb, all the biryani's, the Tikamal salad's too sweet, isn't it?
And that's, hey, I'm saying it's too sweet.
That's you saying, Matt.
That's me saying.
You've had cherry pie for your starter.
Yeah.
And now I'm going in there.
What I'm having with it, pop it on, obviously.
That's coming in with it.
Yeah.
All of the kuchimons, onion bargees.
We're just having that as a full meal because it's always good.
Rice?
Yeah, rice is going in there.
What kind of rice? Is that, is this a trick?
I was just asking you.
What kind of rice?
Just a nice rice.
Just nice rice.
Nice rice.
Yeah, nice rice.
Just nice rice.
But do you want like mushroom rice or pilau rice?
Pilau rice.
Whatever comes.
Well, James.
Probably not mushroom rice. Yeah. Don't like mushrooms.
Special rice? What's the special rice?
Offer us peas in it, maybe some...
If you're offering that to me, I'll have that, yeah.
This suspicion thing, fuck, it kills the flow because you're genuinely worried.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you and me.
We've had an episode where someone's so unedged.
No, it's a nice different energy.
Peas.
Chuck some peas in there if you want.
Ponds? No, trying to stay off the old seafood as much as No, it's nice, different energy. Peas. Chuck some peas in there if you want.
Ponds.
No, trying to stay off the old seafood as much as possible for the good of the land.
Because if they get too comfortable, they'll come on land.
I'm scared of them.
Yeah.
But surely then you should eat more of them so then there's less of an army to come on
the land.
I want them to not blame me at any point.
If they come on land, I don't want them to look at me and be like, well, this guy's
been out. So it's not for the good of the land. It's for the good of the stew.
Yeah. And for the planet, let's respect nature. Sure. Am I eating beef all the time? Yes.
I love beef. Beef is delicious. But you're famous, you're not going to have kids.
Yes. So I've ticked that box. So let's respect nature. Lamb address. Lamb address.
Kill a nice little lamb.
Sometimes you go into an Indian restaurant,
you can tell that the sauce has come from like a tin
or something like that.
Sort of thinner, runnier sort of thing.
You want the proper, they've made the sauce, in-house,
lovely stuff, chunky, just that level of heat
where you're just like, okay, some sweat starts to come out.
But it's not like you're having tape breaks.
Who have you been to Malix with? I go to Malix with, there's a group of
people and friends with who we do a lot of running, but we will occasionally
go for a carry together, a little celebration. We went to one in High Wycombe, where a few of us
were there, and the table next to us was basically it looked like two men who almost definitely voted to leave
the EU. That sort of vibe. They'd been out drinking all day, late 50s, and then their wives as well
who didn't seem like they were allowed to talk. And the lads, they were just on it, shouting,
everything like that. But there was an uneasy atmosphere there and they sat down
and the plates were put out for them and I was just looking over and one of them,
Bald Head, just sort of looked like he was like vibrating a little bit.
Yeah, pulsing just like that and the plate got put out in front of him and he just immediately
vomited five pints of lager all the time.
Oh my God.
And it just hit the plate and the plate acted as like a reflection sort of and it just burst
out all over the two women opposite and sort of almost hit our table as well.
We were so close and his friend immediately stood up and just announced to the entire
restaurant, my friend has taken ill.
His night is over.
Like he was trying to be as formal as possible.
And then he looked over our table and he went, your night is over too.
Was he right?
We got moved to another table.
Yeah.
But yeah, for a little while we thought,
yeah, maybe our night is over.
I just love that confidence of being like,
we fucked up badly.
So we're going to just end everybody else's night.
Do you want them there at this?
Yeah, I'd like them there, but it's happening in the background,
because they kept, then they were taken out,
and then they kept coming in to sort of apologize
and to try and clean up.
And yeah, there was a lot of back and forth.
I'd love that sort of hubbub happening.
Because I think going out for a Curry
is always a pretty good social occasion.
My football team would always do end of season do's
at a Curry house in Beckinsfield.
Christian football team, shout out to a Gold Hill FC.
And it's always a good vibe.
To do as an atheist.
Non-religious on a Christian football team, paid for 21 years.
You're an atheist ringer.
I was a manager for a while, but I couldn't make that official.
I don't think you're the manager. I think there's another big guy for them.
Yeah, big shout out to the big guy, Paul.
He's in charge of it all.
Shelly Grunzen. Are you questioning anyone in the restaurant?
Yeah, just having your whole time. Guess who's prime suspects?
The guys who did the night's over. Yeah. So what are their names?
Barry and Terry Grunzen. No, Barry and Terry Slough.
Barry and Terry Slough. So they're brothers.
Brothers married. They're brothers. Brothers married.
They're brothers.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Married two sisters.
Yeah.
They were called.
Shirley.
Oh, Shirley again.
There we go.
Oh, Shirley.
And Barbara.
Shirley and Barbara.
Yeah.
What are they?
What's their surname?
Reading.
Shirley and Barbara Reading.
Barry and Terry Slough.
Slough and Reading.
Yeah. It was a match made in the stars. Yeah.
And what did they say when you questioned them?
They said that they'd seen someone the night before interacting with some of the
equipment that had fallen off the lorries and that they'd scurried away like a little raccoon.
Like carrying it. You know when raccoons scurry off and they've got something in their front
and they're running on the back legs. Yeah. That was that. But it was a humor. So they should have
been able to do that anyway.
So it's a stupid YouTube history there. So to boil it down, someone took something.
Yeah, someone took something and ran into the new build, which is the casino, it's not finished yet.
Yeah. Okay. So I've got a side drink to the main. It, yeah. It's a ice cold Pepsi in a glass bottle.
And the one I'm thinking of is from a petrol station in a Ugandan village.
OK.
The near Lake Victoria.
Is it Lake Victoria?
Let's hope so.
So I was there doing some work and it was extremely hot.
Yeah.
We were going, I think we were going out onto the lake to do some filming or something.
And I was like, I need to go and get something to drink,
pop into this little petrol station, tiny little place,
and the fridge was the coldest fridge I've ever experienced.
Couldn't believe it.
Couldn't believe it.
Was it a freezer?
Was it a freezer?
It didn't cross the river gun.
It didn't cross the river gun.
It was probably 0.7 degrees. And also as well, like the Pepsi that's not from the
UK always tastes better. I don't know what the ingredients are.
This has got a massive coincidence. So we're just like, we're doing three podcasts today.
You're the second one. First one, we had Tahib Jumeil of Ted Lassofane. He chose his dream
drink, a glass bottle of
Fanta from Nigeria and he said it tastes different, it's better when it's in the glass bottle.
Agreed. Maybe it's the same, maybe African Pepsi is different.
But he's now having to Google that even though earlier he had to Google Nigerian Fanta and
now he's Googling Ugandan Pepsi. And also the amount of time between the two of them, about two hours.
It's quite weird. It's going to show up as black and bit weird on his searches.
Dream side dish. Okay. So this is taking place now, nine o'clock-ish.
In the evening? Yeah. So I've done some more investigating.
I found out that most likely you are hidden there
somewhere in the basement of the casino.
Okay.
Right.
And it's because you naturally object to gambling.
Yeah, sure.
I'm anti-gambling, does that know?
Yeah.
That's where you've ended up, right?
So I need to get there, but obviously I'm hungry
because I've only had a curry three hours ago.
So it's time to get on my evening meal.
This is where I'm coming alive, right?
The brain is alive.
So the side dish is the evening meal.
Is the evening meal, okay.
Just getting it all straight in my head.
As well as the case and all of that.
Oh, by the way, I feel like we should have
like a palate cleanser in between.
Like a Kendall Mint Cake or something like that.
Yeah.
Just in between each course.
Because it's the happiest, sweetest thing available.
What kind of Kendall Mint Cake are you having?
Just the pure, just the white mint.
Yeah, yes, that's mad.
But it's a palette cleanser.
It's not to keep me going.
It's not to cleanse anything.
You mean?
OK, all right.
The sweetest mint in the world.
A block of mint and glucose.
Okay, let's have an amuse-bouche in between then.
Well, no, because you've already amused your fucking boo.
Yeah, that doesn't go there.
Your boo's got amused like hours ago when you had toast and then cherry pie and then
a full curry and then you're saying you have a Kendall mint cake before your side dish.
Okay, if you want a kind of mint cake, that's a palette cleanser. You're walking around the town all day. You're on the big, you know,
you need the energy. I need the energy.
Am I allowed to snack as well on this restaurant? It's not a restaurant.
It's a whole town. It's a whole town that you're solving.
So I'm having a snack.
I'm having like a, no, I'm not going to say actually,
because I think that might be the... What? No, I'm not going to say that one.
What are you snucking on? I'm just having some chocolate just during the day. I'll just say what it is. Just happening
in a Freddo. There you go. With some marshmallows. What? So you've got those in your pocket.
The Freddo's the bread and the marshmallow's just the filling. What you've got two Freddos
and some marshmallows in between. Yeah, yeah. Can you melt in that? Yeah, we melt it a little bit.
How, where are you melting it in the town? Well, in the town bonfire.
Where are you mountaining it in the town? Well, in the town bonfire.
I don't like this town.
It's not stop burning for 15 years.
Is it a tire fire?
Not the tire fire.
It's previous buildings that they don't need anymore.
Okay.
So as industries disappear and are not needed.
So there was the big MP3 player factory.
Yeah, God, it's like a Bruce Springsteen song.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there's loads of musicians that sing about their dads working at the MP3 factory.
Making MP3s.
I think for my side, my evening meal, supper,
I think it's closed now, the Ginger Man in Boston.
They had buttermilk chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles and then like a
roasted Brussels with a balsamic reduction and bacon.
So that's one dish.
That's one. Yes.
I'll let him have that.
Yeah, of course you're the Ginger Man.
But case, case close.
Yeah, chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles.
Perfect.
More and more in my life now, all I want my food to do is just tear my mouth apart.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
And then the next day, tear.
Yeah, oh dear.
The other side apart.
Yeah, dick.
I want my food to tear my dick apart.
Having a piss the next morning, oh, fucking hell, I had to carry arse to hell.
Oh Christ, there's Christ, the pickle's coming out of here.
I've really gotten to just having
the big jar of pickles at home lately.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just started doing it.
My dad was obsessed with pickles as a kid.
It sort of put me off them a little bit.
Oh really?
Yeah.
You'll love this.
I worked with someone recently
who's so obsessed with picklebacks
that if she goes into a pub with her friends and they don't have the pickle juice to do picklebacks,
she'll go to a supermarket and buy jar of pickles so she can use the brine and someone texted her
and said, you've been in this pub recently. She was like, yeah, how'd you know? She went,
I've just found half a jar of pickles in the toilet.
That's why the backs of toilets are often covered so you can't put your pickles down.
Yeah.
That's a deleted scene from Godfather as well.
But then the sort of pickle back to goes in, they got taped to the back of the system.
Don't worry.
Are you just dunking in your fork trying to like spear one?
If I'm eating something already and I've got a fork handy but otherwise I'll just put
my fingers in.
Really?
Yeah.
No one else is eating those pickles in the house.
I'm the only one who's into it.
We have pickles?
Yeah.
Is he on the case as well?
Yeah.
He's got pickles.
He actually didn't get accepted by the army so he's saying nearby and he keeps doing the
tests to get in, but he can't get in.
He can't get in.
It's a shame.
Poor guy.
For Halloween, would you do that big bowl of pickle brine and then pickles in it and
then dunking in to try and get a pickle?
Well, that's a complicated question.
Is he yes or no?
If I walked into a Halloween party and that was already set up, yeah.
But you're not setting up? I'm not doing that. I don't want to do it enough that I'm going to do it.
Because it's a statement. If people turn up at yours and you've set that up, they don't fucking
want it. Well, you're not having anyone over for a start.
Not having anyone over. I wouldn't want to. But like, if someone was like, yeah, you got to do this,
like forget it.
But if I walked in and it was just there,
and people were like, we're all doing this,
do you want to put Bob for pickles?
And before they even look back at you,
your head fully submerged.
I'm all in, and I'm definitely getting one.
Yeah.
I'm definitely going to get one.
I'm not going to not get a pickle.
Yeah.
It would have to be different sized pickles as well
to make it harder for some people. Those little tiny ones. Cornishons. Cornishons. Yeah, tiny little corn a picture. Yeah. It would have to be different size pickles as well to make it harder for some people.
Those little tiny ones.
Cornishons.
Cornishons.
Yeah, tiny little cornishons.
Yeah, yeah.
Those big ones you get in petrol stations
where you get one pickle in the packet.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I bought a couple of them for my sister's birthday every day.
She loves them.
Don't understand.
One of them is called a sour sis.
I don't know why you're both looking at me like this.
Did you buy her anything else?
Yeah, I got her tickets to Groundhog Day.
No one's ever bought that present. Tickets to Groundhog Day and two big pickles.
What about in this pickled eggs in there as well?
In the big pool, in the bobbin pool.
Oh, in the bobbin pool. I've never really had a pickled egg actually.
Really? I don't think I've had a pickled egg either.
So I think I would do it just because that'd be a bit of a fun element.
You know, don't know if I'm going to get a pickled egg for the first time while I'm blind-folded,
while I'm bobbing for pickles.
What's the worst thing that you could bite into that's been pickled in there?
Finger.
A bit of pickled finger?
Yeah, I guess like if it was pickled a person.
Okay, let's stick to vegetables. Yeah. I'm not a massive fan of Umaboshi, which is the sour,
pickled plums in Japan. Not a big fan of it.
It's almost too much flavour for me.
So sweet and sour.
Yeah, sweet and sour and very salty. You'd like it.
Yeah, I could be up for that.
I don't think I've ever had anything pickled that I don't like.
Yeah. I've been lucky and blessed.
Yeah, you are actually. apart from in this town.
How many sliders, and is it on a bed?
Three sliders.
Three sliders on a bed of roasted Brussels.
Yeah.
From the Ginger Man.
Yeah, yeah. I love balsamic reduction.
Okay.
Big fan of that. When I discovered that was a thing,
Yeah.
I couldn't believe it.
So I got a little one of those, I identify as a man,
so I've got a skillet.
Uh-huh.
That's what we have.
That's how we identify us.
I love chucking the onions. I still don't know where each sentence is going.
I love frying up the onions on that, chucking on the balsamic. It's the best. Why did no one tell me about that earlier? And then you reduce it on there. I'm also thinking about the balsamic
reduction. It's more like, is it sweeter? It's sweeter. Yeah, yeah. It'm also thinking about the balsamid reduction. It's more like is it sweeter. It's sweeter. Yeah. Yeah, it's just like this having syrup on something
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's got a bit of tang. Yeah, but it's mainly just quite sweet. Yeah, it's really sweet
And what's the drink with that? Uh-huh bottle of Prosecco a bottle of Prosecco. Yeah, how are you doing any investigating?
I'm fucked. I'm absolutely fucked curry. I'm done curry is the end of the night
I'm fucked. I'm absolutely fucked. Curry, I'm done.
Curry is the end of the night.
I've never had a curry for lunch.
I've gone for a run after the curry.
You've gone for a run after.
You've already done a 5k.
You've been sick, I imagine.
Yeah, I've done a heart rate run
where you run really slow, keep your heart rate low,
just to sort of process it all.
And also, I need to investigate some stuff
on the outskirts of town.
Does it make you ill?
Yeah.
So is that...
Yeah, I've been puking the entire time.
Is Barry behind you on the run going, my friend has been taking it! His night is over! skirts of town. Does it make you ill? Yeah. So is that- Yeah, I've been puking the entire time.
Is Barry behind you on the run going, my friend has been taking it!
His night is over!
It's not.
I'm not on my side dish yet.
And then my drink, the bottle of Prosecco, has got its own side.
Is that okay?
Hang on.
So your side dish, which is by the way two side dishes, has got a drink.
It's got a drink. Which is a whole bottle of Prosecco.
And then you're saying the drink also has a side.
Yes, the drink has a side.
Well, what is it?
Shambord.
Shambord.
Yeah.
The raspberry liqueur.
Raspberry liqueur.
But you're mixing that with the Prosecco.
Yes, I am.
Okay, well, that's fine.
So that's one drink.
So you can put a little bit of that in the bottom of the glass.
Yes, thank you.
Yeah.
So really got into that when I went to an every man cinema for the first time,
I wouldn't do that all the time. I'm like, I'm actually cinema based.
I mean, that should be surprising. We went during the day, just moved into my flat and my friend
Matt had helped me move in and then as part of that, we're going to go and watch Hello High Water,
which was like two o'clock in the afternoon. Go and watch
that. Chris Pine. Yeah, great film, really good. Then at the beginning, you know, they
come out and do the announcement like, Oh, thank you for being here. We're going to play
this film. Who here would like... I'd have the fancy ones, they do. Benita was confused
at the fancy ones, they do. They send out some poor bastard. I hate it. Makes me feel anxious
for them. I'm like, I just want to watch the film. I was at the IMAX last night.
Oh yeah, they do at the IMAX.
Yeah, they do at the IMAX.
Yeah, yeah.
Britain's biggest screen.
And is it worse if they love doing it or worse if they hate doing it?
Worse if they love doing it.
Yeah.
Because I completely understand the people who hate doing it.
Yeah.
When they love doing it and they're trying to do like five minutes.
Yeah.
They came out and they said, by the way, we're celebrating Shambled Monday, who'd like a cocktail.
So I celebrate Shambled Monday every Monday now.
Do you?
As much as I can, obviously I feel bad when I don't get to celebrate.
And that is basically the cocktail they're offering was just prosecuted with Shambled
in it.
Was it free?
Yeah, yeah.
Because it was Shambled Monday?
Yeah, and because Matt was driving, he was like, you can have mine.
So big shout out to Matt, the man who eats so much chocolate that he gives himself an
enormous migraine.
On the last day at university, all his friends
had to be led in one by one to his darkened room,
because he'd eaten so much chocolate,
he'd given himself a migraine that was making him want to die.
And they had to all say goodbye one by one
like he was a godfather.
Matt, of course, is who we went.
Ed and I were on the run.
We tried to get him to help us, because it turned out
that he knew one of the hunters.
We tried to get Matt to give us the hunter's phone number and he was very responsible and wouldn't do it, even though
we kept bringing him up to us and calling him a poor grind bastard.
Now we know, we could have just bribed him with a Tobler or something.
Well, that's what happened. When we got caught and the hunters were chasing us,
and when they were chasing me at one point I said, we don't matter. And it was the only time
I saw him, the front of the break character and look confused. What and then when he caught me like how do you know?
Eventually told him the new for you and then he was like that guy. He's so much chocolate
How much chocolate is he literally you cannot leave any chocolate around like I've had like a bar of chocolate
Sat around his and I've looked like a bar of chocolate sat around his
and I've looked away for a couple of seconds
he's eating it all.
It doesn't matter, he will just go through it.
He is like a dog in that he has no off switch for that.
And so he will just sometimes be like,
I can't do anything because I've eaten too much chocolate.
You know how you talk about, you can't open it.
You can't have like start a Terry's chocolate,
a Tony's chocolate chocolate lonely. Cause you'll just finish the whole't open it, you can't have like start a Tony's chocolate, a Tony's chocolate, chocolate lonely.
Yeah.
Because you'll just finish the whole thing and it's mainly just with chocolate lonely.
Yeah.
That's any chocolate thing for Matt.
It's that if he starts it, he's absolutely screwed.
Oh, it's a crushing disability.
If you make a Toblerone from an airport, a massive, it's gone.
Yeah.
If you go to Selfridges, you can personalize one.
Have your name put on the packet.
Oh.
That is pretty good.
Yeah.
I mean, probably not your only name is it.
So it's cheap.
It sort of feels, yeah, cheap, but also it doesn't really look good on the packet.
There's a lot of blank space.
Edlerone.
Edlerone.
Yeah, that's good.
I could put Edlerone.
Well, he's actually the name of the local police chief.
In the town.
Edlerone. It's not called Taby Larone.
No, it's Ed LaRone.
Very clearly, Ed LaRone.
Now we're going on to your dream drink.
Yes.
So it's not that.
It's an old fashioned.
OK.
And that's I'm celebrating by this point.
You're celebrating.
That's why I'm in the hotel.
I found you. Good news for me. I found you. Do you know who was the guy who stole you?
Edler own as the wrong. Yeah, please chief police chief. I just be
Yeah, because Billy grunson was obviously the big the mayor the mayor
With the big suspect because Billy grunson seen all your specials The mayor. The mayor. Yeah, to a mindless degree Billy Gunson. No Billy Gunson. Yeah.
With the big suspect, because Billy Gunson's seen all your specials.
So he was seen as, by actually Billy was delighted you were in town and was hoping to come and
see you do a show, but you were like, I'm not doing a show here, no way.
I hate doing stand up.
Yeah.
He kept screaming, I hate doing stand up.
It was weird.
Yeah.
Unprompted.
Yeah.
Which is what drew a lot of attention to you.
And that's when Ed LaRone, who's trying to get promoted up to Head of the Army.
From police chief.
Chief of the police.
That's the way it goes.
Or if I can get you to put a gig on, then Billy Grunson will promote me.
OK.
So the mayor is in charge of promoting the chief of police to the head of the army.
Yeah.
How did he get me?
How did Edmmerine get me?
Well, you were wanking.
And so you were wanking.
So your back was set.
Let's not forget.
You were wanking.
Yeah, well, I was wondering how that factored into it.
Yeah.
So you were feeling at your weakest.
I was in the B&B wanking?
Yes, but a different B&B.
Okay.
Yeah.
And what I've finished...
B&B stands for bashing the bishop. Bas B and B. Okay. Yeah. And what I've finished. B and B stands for bashing the bishop.
Bashing and bishop.
So what I've...
Bashing A bishop.
I've done it.
Bashing and bishop.
I've collapsed back onto the bed at X for a second.
Hang on.
You collapsed back onto the bed.
I'll be sitting up in the bed.
You've been stood staring into the mirror.
You're stood up.
Huh? You're stood up. Then I'm sitting on the bed. You're sitting on the bed. up in the bed. You've been stood staring into the mirror. You're stood up. Huh?
You're stood up.
Then I'm sitting on the bed.
You're sitting on the bed?
Sitting on the bed.
Okay.
Sitting, not shitting.
Don't say shitting, you're just sitting.
It seems so normal.
I can't see myself in the mirror if I'm lying there.
Very formal.
Sitting on the edge of the bed.
I've got a flexion.
If I'm lying down, I can't see myself in the mirror.
What are you doing with that little bit at the end of the bed
that's for your shoes to go on when you lie in the bed?
I'll put my shoes on. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha grabbed that shoe protector thing. He's wrapped that around your face straight away. And then
he's hit you around the head with your own shoe, like I just did with the microphone.
I was at this point, I came a second time.
And that hit the ceiling, because now your angles are all...
Yeah, it's got a lot of the...
Because that, because you collapsed back onto the bed.
Yeah, I've already got the mirror. No, I've got the ceiling.
So, is Edlerone waiting? He's listening outside, waiting for James to be as weak as Edlerone.
This has become a normal name.
So that's what Edlerone's called.
Yeah, because obviously Edlerone's got the skeleton key for the whole town.
Yeah, of course.
So he's straight in so he can get in any door.
That means he could get into the casino.
Eddie's casino. Eddie's casino.
Eddie's casino.
Yeah, Eddie's gambling casino.
They just love British comedians over there.
They absolutely love it.
There's a goldsmiths down the road.
And other places.
I'll record some later, you can drop it in.
Yeah, then we discovered you down there,
strapped up to the roulette table,
and a wheel constantly going round,
and Eddie LaRone saying, if it hits 36, I'm killing him.
What?
And I said, you're not killing him.
And then we saved you.
And then celebrate, we're going to the big hotel
in the middle of town by the bonfire.
I'm having an old-fashioned.
Lovely.
It might happen one or one might.
Yeah, you have one as well.
Am I already peaking off again? You're there. I imagine you have to go for a shower first.
Yeah. And then obviously, you can just
tuck a bag over your head and then just drag you straight to the casino.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. So you're having a quick shower, but obviously, you know,
nature takes its course.
Yeah. I'm a celebratory wanker there.
And you come down and you're like...
As soon as I relax.
Glug some storms in, bang over my head, to take me to the mayor's offices.
You're not learning your lesson, are you?
Yeah.
And yeah, you come down,
it's got the massive ice cube in it.
Yeah, I love the massive ice cube.
Really great.
With a stamp in the top, have you seen that?
No.
With the barrel put like a stamp there ice.
I love that.
Put a little logo in the top. The last
time I had which was a massive one was in a very fancy hotel in Seattle. That's due to fly home,
but the flight got cancelled and then you get like 500 quid allowance if it's 24 hour delay.
And so and you know, keep receipts, claim it back. So I was like, I don't really need anything.
I'm going to spend it all on a hotel was like, I don't really need anything.
I'm gonna spend it all on a hotel.
Great.
I've never been in a hotel.
It costs a lot of money that much money before.
So I spent about 450 pounds for a night in this hotel.
And I thought, gotta do it.
Take the book down, sit in the bar, have an old fashioned,
I'm sure someone, some femme fatale will come over
and talk to me.
Yeah, they often do that when people are reading a book.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I didn't read the book as I looked at my phone.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
And had the old fashioned and then just went,
just go back to the room, I guess.
Just watching Netflix up there.
It was good old fashioned.
Great old fashioned.
Yeah, yeah, let's do that.
Seattle one.
Yeah, it's thinking it was the Olympic hotel
or the Olympia or something like that.
Yeah.
I think that no hotel room is worth more than 200 pounds a night. Yeah, it's thinking it was the Olympic hotel or the Olympia or something like that. Uh-huh. Yeah.
I think that no hotel room is worth more than £200 a night.
I got in there and I was just like, this is fine.
I just got a sitting room I'm not going to use.
Yeah, I agree with that, especially by yourself.
Yeah.
Like sometimes when I'm on tour, like occasionally you'll just get a better room randomly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And there'll be like a sofa in there and whatever. And you're like, I'm just going to sit on room randomly. Yeah. Yeah. And there'll be like a sofa in there and whatever.
And I'm just going to sit on the bed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sit on the end of the bed.
Yeah.
They could time's roll.
Work every day.
Your dream dessert.
This is difficult, innit?
Yeah, it's difficult.
You're a sweet tooth boy.
So many options.
Yeah.
I mean, you've already had cherry pie.
But let me tell you this. Yes. And I wouldn't normally tell people this, but you've been so tense the whole boy. So many options. Yeah. I mean, you've already had cherry pie. But let me tell you this.
Yes.
And I wouldn't normally tell people this,
but you've been so tense the whole episode.
Yeah, yeah.
This is where we could get you.
Why don't you tell me that beginning?
The tread very lightly.
Some of those all coincidences.
I think what we did tell you at the beginning,
is I thought every course was gonna be a dessert.
Oh, did you?
Genuinely, I expected something like that.
I'm not surprised you had a cherry pie for your starter.
Tread very lightly.
To your left might be a covered up pit with spiky sticks in it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, that's part of the town.
Yeah.
To your right might be one of those ropes.
I don't know how anyone sets up, but you step in them and then it whips you up into a tree.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't know how you set them up actually.
How do they do that?
That's the town's rope trap.
Near the bonfire.
So this is a problem because when I was a kid at school, I had for lunch had a box of after-ates
What?
For lunch at school?
Yeah, it weren't even after-ates, they're the Woolworths own brand after-ates.
Oh, God, it's true.
For lunch.
Who sent you in with them?
My parents didn't like box up some after-ates.
Well, where else would you get them from?
I had not taken anything, I didn't have any money.
And all I had was enough and I went into Woolworths
as I could afford that.
And I want that. So I'm going to have that.
But there must have been something else in Woolworths that wasn't that.
Almost definitely.
I could have gone to the bakery next door and just got like a roll or something like that.
Yeah.
But I went and I want that right now.
Not thinking about what that meant for the rest of my day.
Hmm.
And your life probably.
And my life.
Yeah.
You think you're at school?
Yeah.
You're not thinking about that?
No.
Did you eat all of the after-ates for lunch?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And also, they, that much of that sort of mint fondant stuff, I think has some sort of laxative effect.
Yeah.
I think it's not good for you.
No.
It's just like eating glue.
It's like eating a whole box of glue.
Look, I really like, from like a nostalgic point of view, I really like a
frosty from Wendy's. I don't really know what a frosty is.
Is it like halfway between a milkshake and an ice cream? Yeah.
And I like the chocolate one there. When I went as a family, as a kid, it was
like similar to McFlurry.
No, because you'd have a spoon. Yeah, you'd have a spoon to get it out, but it
was like not as it wasn't like, I don't know, because you'd have a spoon. Yeah, you'd have a spoon to get it out, but it was like not as
it wasn't like, I don't know, it's not actual ice cream, but I don't know what it just, I just
liked the flavor. I liked the vibe of like, oh, we're going to Wendy's, which was a restaurant we
didn't have here, a restaurant, a fast food place. They had Dave, the guy who runs it, and it was all
very homely. I liked all of that sort of Americana stuff. So it felt nice. But I think I just have to build my own enormous Sunday.
That's what you wanted to do. I think that's what I want to build. Build a huge Sunday.
Take us through the Sunday. There we go. So when I went to the island man when I was younger,
there was a restaurant on the dock where you could buy an ice cream that was like this big.
And it was like... This is how big for the listener?
That is about 30, 40 centimeters wide, not circumference, radius,
centrifuge, whatever the thing. That's part of a beach diameter.
Size of a beach pool, diameter, yeah. So it would probably be that sort of size and we'd have a
bunch of people around it celebrating your return. We're talking raspberry ripple ice cream,
that's going in there. We're talking vanilla ice cream. You've got to have that as your base,
I think like that. But then you're not going anywhere talking vanilla ice cream. You've got to have that as your base. Yeah, I think like that
But then you're not going anywhere like mint chocolate chip if I was to have what just a scoop by itself
Maybe mint chocolate chip, but if you're building a Sunday, you've got to think about the wider context. Yeah
Remember that me stew and our friend Al honor text chain did this once building our dream Sundays and send them to each other
I love it. You're chucking honeycomb in there, you're chucking marshmallows,
there's raspberry sauce, there's chocolate sauce.
Second appearance of marshmallows in your meal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, let's not forget the pocket breado towards the marshmallows.
And that's building up into a mountain.
What else is going to make it,
going to be like callbacks in the dessert to the rest of the meal?
Yeah, there's a little bit, there's a tiny bit of madrasse at the bottom.
It's all sitting in pickle juice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cherries, you can have cherries from there. That would be nice. Yeah, yeah.
Let's chuck some cherries in there. I'm still having trouble visualising this
Sunday. Right. Massive it is. So what's the sauce that goes in the bottom? That's chocolate
sauce. Okay, so now you put in a scoop of ice cream in, what's that? Now we're doing...
But there'll be like loads of scoops, right? Yeah, yeah. It's massive. We've got like 10 scoops of vanilla.
Half a beach ball sized bowl. Yeah. 10 scoops of rice back and home all.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Do you remember when on Man vs Food when he did the Kitchen Sink Challenge?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm imagining it like that. And then there's bits of brownie in there,
there's honeycomb, there's the marshmallows and we're building it up, it's building up.
And then we're doing raspberry sauce over it as well.
How much of this do you reckon you're going to eat?
Well, it's for the community.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So the Grimmsons are there.
Grimmsons, obviously not.
You're there.
You're there.
You're there.
It's incarcerated.
Yeah.
I'm there.
Ed's finished filming, so he's on his chopper.
Slough brothers are there with the red and this, this, this.
The Slough brothers are there, but I'm not, I don't want them near the...
I don't want them near the Sunday.
The Reading sisters are there though, right?
Reading sisters are there because I feel bad about them
because they've had to put up with a lot of stuff earlier in the night
and you might get over it, get yourself a spoon.
Yeah, the 85 year old lady from the diner.
I don't want to go into what's happened to her
but let's just say she won't be greedy me the next morning. You shan'ta
You shan't be old lady from the diner
Man, yeah, you can never go back to this town again. Yeah, we are policeman from the diner at the beginning
Was that Ed LaRone or another policeman another policeman?
Is either
policeman. Is he there? I'll get it alone, man.
Right, no, the police officer at the beginning is Tammy.
Yeah, Tammy. Yeah. Yeah.
Tammy, last name, Timmy.
Is is Tammy, is Tammy Timmy there?
Tammy Timmy's. Tammy Timmy's there, but again, it's just got,
it's just got a riot on the outside.
The most people aren't eating this ice cream.
You and the Gruntsons.
As far as I can make out.
And the Reddings.
You're there and the Reddings.
Okay, so it's...
And Ed's on his way in the chopper.
I'm on my way in the chopper.
There's six of us, that's fine.
Okay, and we're all eating this.
Long spoons, that's the key.
Long spoons, real nice.
It does sound a bit...
What were the ice creams again?
Prosby Ripple, vanilla.
Vanilla, and then I think then it's like
we're going around the table and we're saying
you can chuck three scoops in,
but it's all be the same.
So why are you chucking in?
It's got to complement it, so I'm thinking
that you might have a Biskoff one in there
or something like that.
Don't try that, well just choose them yourself.
Don't try it in for mine.
No, I'm just saying, I want you.
It's my ice cream, if you're gonna-
I've been in it.
Say we can all have three scoops each.
I don't want you to pick one that's gonna upset the balance of it it because I've been in a gelato. Don't say the way before you
can have three scoops of what you want. Okay, you've got three within and I'll pick and it's
you've got a caramel-y one, a biscotti one, yeah, salted caramel, that's going in, lovely.
The cherry one, the cherry whatever that is. Stracchiatelli. No, that's not the cherry one.
That's not the cherry one.
No, that's another one I'm offering.
I mean, I'd want, oh, actually.
I know he's really into it now.
While you're in Seattle in the hotel,
I think take a trip down to Molly Moons,
great ice cream place in Seattle,
and get the...
Which one?
Molly Moons.
No, which ice cream, though?
The mocha chip. Get out of here! ice cream though the mocha chip get out of
here that's my secret ingredient
oh at least it was on the dessert it was block of shock 100 percent the secret
ingredient for you was block of shock look the freddo and the marshmallows was
going to be block of shock with marshmallows was it yeah? Yeah. Genuinely. 100% genuine. Are you serious? 100% serious. You changed it. And I just went,
there's something about block of chalk that's got such a community atmosphere to it that it's so
wholesome and lovely that surely that's got to be on the list. Also, Five Guys was on the list.
I was like, surely that's going to be potentially somewhere on there.
And that was early. So we were thinking maybe block of chalk would be your dessert, Five Guys was on the list. I was like, surely that's going to be potentially somewhere on there. And that was early.
So we were thinking maybe Blocker Truck could be your dessert, but it was a snack.
We could have got you on your walk around snack.
Genuinely.
We never would have solved the case.
You would have still been missing.
I'd still be there with Ed LaRone having his way.
We didn't even know Ed LaRone existed at that point.
Yeah, yeah.
But you were going to pick it.
Genuinely, he's going to pick it.
Oh man, that would have been perfect.
But I'm glad we got to the bottom pick it. Oh man, that would have been perfect.
But I'm glad we got to the bottom of the case.
Yeah, that is good.
I did what, you know, I did.
There's a part of me obviously was like,
that would be thrilling to be kicked out.
Yeah.
When you kicked Jade out,
one of the highlights of the entire podcast.
Yeah.
But I'd like to talk about something.
But this feels like, this feels like one of those
Darren Brown tricks where it doesn't work. And then
he says to, um, but were you thinking of this at some point? And they go, fucking hell,
I was thinking of that. I think we kind of have half brown.
Oh, yeah. We'll read your menu back to you now. See how you feel about it. You want tap
water, then still water, poppins of bread, seeded sourdough toast with salted butter,
marmalade, strawberry jam from Rickmansworth Aquadrome Cafe. Start a warm slice of cherry pie in a black coffee.
Main course lamb, madrasse, poppies, onion, barteries, steamed rice from Malix.
Ice cold pepsi in a glass bottle from Uganda on the side.
Your side dish, one buttermilk chicken sliders with hot sauce and pickles,
and Brussels sprouts with balsamic reduction from Ginger Man,
plus a bottle of Prasakko and Shambore.
Drink an old fashioned with massive ice cube from the Olympic Hotel in Seattle and dessert a bring your own Sunday. Yeah. Build your own.
But they're also bringing their own ice cream, don't they? Yeah, maybe. And we haven't even talked
about the Kendall mink cake as a half cleanser. Did you say the Freddo? We've got the Freddo's with
the marshmallows as your pocket snack. But first option was block a choc with marshmallows.
Yeah, but you can't say that now.
No, but I, but look, play back to that point.
There's a moment when I hesitated.
Cause I was like,
what am I going to say block a choc or Fredo?
I feel like I gave it away a bit.
You said chocolate and I went, what chocolate?
And I think there's a little thing.
Yeah, but you were doing that for everything else.
I was doing that and everything,
but I felt like, you know, when you know what you're going for,
I felt like, oh, is there a tell here that I'm hoping he says block a chock?
Well, you did it, Stu. Also, if you had the, because you're saying about having the
furthest and the most most in your pocket, you had the block a chock in your pocket,
you call it pocket chock. A big block of pocket chock. Yeah. Instead, you got a frog a chock.
A frog a chocker. You know what block a chock is? Yes, he's shown me block a chock. Yeah,
we spoke about it in the intro.
Yeah.
I think it's rude to pick as a secret ingredient
a thing you'd bought for me as a gift.
Yeah, yeah.
But you introduced me to it first.
Yeah, that is true.
I did buy it for you, back to the guy.
Yeah.
Big shout out to Block a Chalk.
This guy's got no idea what's coming for him.
Yeah.
Thank you very much, Stu.
Thank you, Stu.
Thanks for having me.
["Street Dance"] Well, there we are. Thank you very much, Stu. Thank you, Stu. Thanks for having me.
Well, there we are. Stuart Laws, our first ever mystery. Our first ever mystery, first ever set
over a whole day walking around a town. Yeah. First ever guest terrified for the whole thing. Throughout. And that's how we like it. It was how we like it.
Chugged out. And then he did nearly choose... He chose block of chalk.
He was gunner. And maybe if we hadn't was gonna, and maybe if we hadn't made,
sorry, maybe if I hadn't made such a big deal
of we're gonna chuck you out,
he would have been relaxed and just said blocker chalk.
And then he would have been gone.
Yeah, but also because I think,
because it was a snack, I think he changed his mind
because he wanted a portable chocolate
that he could put marshmallows in between.
And you know, I've only seen a picture of blocker chalk.
You ain't cutting that open and putting marshmallows in it.
So size of a brick, you need to cut it up with a kitchen knife.
You can't put it in your pocket.
So you didn't choose block of chalk.
Fair enough.
And I guess that means we should plug it special.
Yes.
Stuart Laws is all in, is available on YouTube.
It's an excellent show, which I've seen as mentioned.
So go and watch that.
Yes. Thank you, Stuart. Lovely menu. Lovely boy.
Lovely menu. Lovely boy. Well done, you.
Yes. Sorry to my mother who listens to every episode.
I'm sure she'll have a lot to say about this one.
So apologies for the content.
Oh, yes. Come.
Yes. You won't like it.
Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week.
Bye-bye. come. Yeah, yeah, she won't like it. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week. Bye bye. Goodbye.
Hello, I'm Sarah Pascoe and I'm Carrie Adloid. You might remember us from the peak of our careers
appearing on the excellent Off Menu podcast.
It's the greatest we've ever felt and we know we'll never achieve that again.
But if you remember those episodes and enjoyed what we did, you might be a fan of our book
choices and our new comedy podcast, Sarah and Kariad's Weirdo's Book Club.
Imagine us not talking about food but talking about books.
But with the comedians you know from Off Menu, like Nish Kumar, John Kern, Sophie Duker and more.
We're not copying them, we're doing our own thing.
It's totally different. It's about books.
It's about books. There's no genies involved.
It's a space for the lonely outsider to feel accepted and appreciated.
I just like James A. Custer's bedroom. Eww.
A place for the person who'd like to be in a real book club but doesn't like wine or nibbles.
You can read along, share your opinions,
or just skulk around in your raincoats like the
weirdo you are. Thank you for reading with us. We like reading with you.
We've got the ending one as well.