Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 237: Lucy Beaumont (Live in Manchester)
Episode Date: March 30, 2024Taskmaster’s Lucy Beaumont joins us for night two of our Manchester residency. And a horse nearly made her late… Lucy Beaumont’s on tour now with ‘The Trouble and Strife!’ For dates and tick...ets go to lucybeaumont.co.uk Lucy’s podcast ‘Lucy and Sam’s Perfect Brains’ is out now. Subscribe now on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the O2 Apollo Manchester.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript
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Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're currently listening to.
I am on tour now. The show is called Hot Diggity Dog. Make sure you go and get yourself a ticket.
I'm probably coming to a town near you if you live in the UK and Ireland and Ireland,
Dublin and Belfast. Do go to Edgamble.co.uk, buy yourself a ticket and I'll see you for
an evening of Hot Diggity Dog.
Hot Diggity Dog!
Thank you, James.
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you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their
podcast everywhere a cast calm Ding ding ding ding ding, it's Saturday.
What does that mean, James?
Bow-mont!
It's a Bow-mont bonus!
It's the live episode, the second live episode from Manchester with special guest Lucy Beaumont
from the O2 Apollo Manchester recorded on the 30th of October 2023.
Very exciting.
The third and final Taskmaster guest that we had, it's in that current series of Taskmaster
that was airing at the time.
Very excited to have Lucy on.
The crowd went buck wild.
They went buck wild baby. And the secret ingredient as selected by that audience was creme de
menthe.
Creme de menthe. I can't remember why now.
No, but it doesn't matter. It was funny at the time.
It doesn't matter though. Also, I'd say before we recorded this, we did the show. I'd say Lucy is
the person who most on the entire tour and indeed the history
of Off Menu, we've had to say, stop saying that. We'll talk about that on stage.
Yeah. Yeah. She, I mean, but luckily Lucy is a never ending source of weird stuff.
Yes. You're going to love this episode. It's absolutely brilliant. Let's just crack on with it Lucy Bowman. Lucy Bowman.
Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast taking the Moussaka of humour, removing the spices of bad times, adding in the lasagna flavors of friendship and creating the moussanya of the Off Menu Podcast!
That is Ed Gamble, my name is James Ed Casler. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite in a guest and we ask them their favorite ever starter, main course, dessert, side dish and drink.
Not in that order. And this week our guest is...
Lucy Beaumont!
An absolutely incredible comedian, currently absolutely ripping it up on this series of Taskmaster.
We are very excited to have Lucy on the podcast.
So James, we've already done the secret ingredient.
Keep it in your heads.
Keep it in your heads, not out your mouths.
Let's crack on.
This is the off-menu menu of Lucy Bowman.
Lucy Bowman.
James, what are you doing?
Yeah.
You've got to start the podcast properly, Lucy.
So...
So, obviously, James, I mean, we don't assume you've listened to the podcast before.
Not everyone here has.
So, James is a genie, so the genie's in the lamp at the moment.
So, if you would like to get up and rub the lamp you're very welcome to
or the
Now disgusted what are you what are you so angry about Lucy?
Rub James no not rub James rub the lamp can you so
Rub me in this climate
Can you see the thing that's in front of James that's the lamp like a genie's lamp
Well, you don't have to we can get the audience to imagine they can rub it with their minds if you prefer that
Would you prefer the audience rubbed it with their minds? It's just totally thrown
Would you prefer the audience rubbed it with their minds? It's just totally thrown me.
Well, I will.
Yeah, so just to be clear, just so nothing goes wrong,
the thing in front of James, the Aladdin lamp, rub that.
Please don't rub James.
Hands off.
Hands off. Hands off the goods.
And what will happen?
Well, this will be the...
Do you want me to talk you through it?
Cos it's a nice surprise for the audience sometimes.
I'm doing my lesson of squat back here.
I just wasn't expecting it.
No, it's all right.
It might throw you again, but it'd be exciting.
Just please go and rub the lamp, Mrs.
No, not me. Not me.
Don't rub James. Yeah.
No, Lucy, not from behind here.
Have you seen Aladdin before Lucy? Does he get into the fucking lamp before he runs?
See your ass is in my face
We don't need to cut your hand was on it when you stepped over the cloud, Lucy.
Just...
There you go. Yeah.
Ooh...
BOOM!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome, Lucy Beaumont, to the Dream Restaurant.
We've been expecting you for some time.
Oh that was amazing. Was it worth it in the end? I shouldn't have made such a meal of that.
It's good fun. Not pleasant for me. No. I've been squatting for a long time behind there. Killed my legs.
Yeah. And then you invaded my personal space by getting in the lamp to rub it
Now I don't actually know much about if you're a foodie or not
We haven't really ever talked about food much in the past
No
No, not really I mean a lot of sometimes we all just talk just talk about, you know, just what we've been up to.
Sometimes work stuff. The other day you texted me to let me know that you'd only just found out Barry Cryer had died.
So, you know, that's the kind of stuff we usually talk about.
Sorry. I hate to snort so early in an episode.
And how did you find out I
Tried to book him for something
But yeah, we haven't really talked about food
But no I do I am I am a foodie. I do really like my food. I like good food.
And yeah, no, food is important to me.
But some people, it's not, is it?
No, I think it's wonderful.
No, I am. I would say I'm a foodie.
And I'd spend good money on food.
How much?
I'd say I'm a foodie and I'd spend good money on food. How much?
Well, it depends.
I do like going for a nice meal.
I like to go out.
What I like to go out is just on a tea time, just like on a Wednesday, just say, oh, shall
we just go for tea?
I like doing that.
Wednesday tea.
Wednesday tea. Do you know what I mean, though? Why is it Wednesday there? Why is it Wednesday there? I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that.
I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. So like you were saying, who are you talking to in this scenario? My husband. Your husband, so you go, should we go out for tea? And what does he say?
No.
He doesn't want to go.
He's not into spontaneity?
No.
No. But I like just, I mean a pub meal.
I like just going to a pub for a pub meal.
Yeah, yeah.
Just off the cuff.
And then when you're there you're like wow
We didn't even think we were gonna be here tonight
Well, yeah, I'm a social butterfly
I like being around other people when I eat I
Don't think that's what social butterfly means I
Might be misunderstanding it. What does it mean? I think it means you're sort of in lots of social groups and you just flip between the different groups and
Rather than you like being around people when you eat.
Well, maybe you do that. Do you go from table to table?
Well, I do now to be honest. Yeah, I'm being recognized a lot now
You know, that doesn't mean you have to go table to table, Lucy.
Well, I do. I do. I'm big in a Toby Carvery.
Yeah.
I'm big news.
I would say, though...
I am. I am.
I'm not doubting it, Lucy. I'm just imagining you going to...
You're like my granddad.
He couldn't get away in edgeways when we went to a Toby Carvery together.
Really? Yeah. He said,
Come and sit down. It's getting cold
So you're just going to and doing pictures. Yeah
The thing I'd say though is that if you're
You know, we all know a lot of comedians and we're on telly for various reasons and quite well recognized and
Usually if they're like really recognizable people come to
them yeah they don't get up and go I better go table to table people
recognize me now leaving their granddad at the table'd wait there. I've got to go table to table. Ducking down. Uh-oh. Look who it is.
LAUGHTER
You can all get in.
Well, that's good. That's fun at the Carvery.
A lot of people recognise you at the Carvery.
Did you have to have photos with the roasts?
LAUGHTER
What, with the actual...?
Was there any food in shot for the photos?
No, but I would have done if they'd have asked.
What would be your favourite roast to have a photo with?
Turkey.
LAUGHTER
I loved the way you answered that. Yep.
Cos it was defensive and as if James should have known the answer already.
Yes. I'm a vegan, so it is quite defensive.
Yeah, three vegans in.
I'm a vegan, but I do eat meat.
Yeah.
Just a little bit.
Yeah.
So you're ethically a vegan, but in practice you're a meat eater?
I've slipped the rule used to be and
If if I could kill it with my bare hands
Then I would eat it and now I won't eat anything and that holds hands with each other
Yeah of her. Can you give us an example of something that holds hands with... There's one example. Octopuses. Okay, there's two. And rabbits. Rabbits hold hands with each other. What?
In Watership Down, maybe?
Not in Little Love.
Otters?
How often do you think that's at the fucking Toby Calvary?
Otters is the only one I could think of.
Yeah.
Oh, no, there's more.
Rabbits hold hands?
What are you talking about?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What, real-life rabbits, not cartoon ones?
Yeah, when they skip.
Huh?
When they skip.
Yeah.
I got that right.
When have you seen that?
I'm telling.
So octopus, otters, rabbits.
Octopus, otters, rabbits.
Those are the three things you want to eat.
So the rule used to be that you wouldn't eat anything that you couldn't kill with your
bare hands. What did you used to think you could kill with your bare hands?
Good question
It's chicken yeah and a cow
One taking us through?
Sometimes we have the same question.
How you kill a cow with your bare hands?
The process?
Cows, because it's really graphic.
Lucy was, when Lucy arrived today at the venue, I think, believe your opening words were when I first heard that you guys were doing this podcast,
when you first announced it, I thought it was a terrible idea and I nearly rang one of you.
This is in 2018 when no episodes had come out.
I was worried about, yeah, I saw an article about it and I just saw,
they're so talented, what are they doing?
It'll never catch on because you're not actually going to a restaurant,
you're not really eating the food, you're just talking about food.
And I just thought, it's just going to be a waste because your careers are going to end
and no one will listen to it.
And then I know I am annoyed about being here tonight.
Yeah.
But it's done really well.
Yeah.
But no, you've made the most.
We have made the most of it.
Oh yeah, thank you.
I'm in the wrong.
We always start with still or sparkling water, Lucy?
Yeah.
Do you have a preference?
Yes.
Do you want to tell us?
Yeah.
I would like still water please.
Ooh, a few boots you sparkling
Sparkling heads in because there's some fans of sparkling water
Is this because you love still water or are you empty sparkling?
I think it'd be wrong to be empty sparkling water
I don't mind it. I prefer it with line
Cardio, but then you're having to get into that thing of asking for that.
I'd just rather go still.
And to be honest, I don't want to get too full.
No, because I find sparkling water just fills you up a little bit more than still water.
And if we're going for it, I need to make sure...
I will have water, but I won't have a lot of water before a meal. It is more for the,
when they say for the table, it is for the table really isn't it? It just makes the table look
better doesn't it? Because if they didn't put anything down there'd just be people waiting
for a meal with nothing on the table wouldn't so it is more for the
it's more of a gesture isn't it so you see it as more as more of sort of table
decoration than anything else people don't really drink it do they the water
I mean I know but you do I imagine people are very proud of their water at that water here. It's very nice. Oh, no, it's really good water
What's the water like what's the tap water like in Hull it's not the same
It's got a lot of fluoride in it. Yeah
But this water we used to live Hebden Bridge and it was the same water
Yeah
That's nice. And it was oh it was
good water yeah yeah you drink it there oh yeah yeah you don't need to filter it
you never ever in five years we never had to descale the kettle that's how
good this water is that's exciting there's not many couples who know that a big sighted about that
But no still water please with a bit of lemon in a wedge or a slice well wedge please
Talk us through the thought process though
So yeah, it seemed to be more perplexing than I didn't intend it to be but like
and well
Don't really mind really. Yeah. What mean at home I just sort of squeeze it into the drink. You squeeze a lemon wedge or? I tear it with my
fingernail. When I have lemon at home I just get the lemon and I just dig
my fingernail in it to make a little hole and then squeeze it into the drink.
I've got it here actually.
What are you going in your bag for? What's this?
It's a Harry Potter children's bag.
Just like that love.
What are you putting a lemon in for?
You've brought a lemon with you?
Yeah, so that's how I did it. I just went like that.
Okay, hold on a second.
Hold on.
Now, I asked you how you wanted the lemon. That took you completely by surprise.
Yeah, but you had that prepped.
Yeah, because I've got all the things in here.
Yes, but one of the things you've got is a lemon.
I brought some for the tequila. I brought you both the tequila thank you thank you
well so the lemon was for the tequila yeah oh I see so you just dig your
fingernail in yeah is your rule with fruits you'll only eat the ones that you
can tear apart with your bare hands. That's good stuff. Yeah, that's really good.
Yeah, I'll put a button in it.
It's obvious, isn't it?
How would you kill a lemon?
How would you kill a lemon?
How would you kill a lemon?
Sit on it.
Pop lobs or bread? Pop lobs or bread, Lucy Bymon? Pop lobs or bread?
Oh my god, you're scared? Lucy by my problem's over Yeah, that's probably one of the most I've ever been scared in my life I got you why have we got tequila
First all to have a tequila. Oh
When do you want us to have the to kill I don't mind don't mind. When do you want to have it? It's your show.
Not right now.
Later, I think, later.
Popadoms or bread?
Why?
Why is it just popadoms or bread?
Well, this is the question I've been asking
since the beginning, Lucy.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
But it's a format point now, so it's too late.
But you've missed the bridge in between the beginning, Lucy. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's a format point now, so it's too late. But you've missed the bridge in between the two,
which I would like to have.
Yeah?
Crackers.
You can absolutely have crackers for this.
Hang on, crackers is the bridge between poppadoms and bread?
Yeah.
What are you on about?
I'll buy this.
In the middle of, if there's poppadoms there
and bread was there, then the cracker is in the middle of... If the proper Dom's there and bread was there,
then the cracker is in the middle, isn't it?
Isn't it a mixture of both?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think you're right, actually.
Would you like crackers to start this one?
No, I don't want crackers, are you? No.
I want...
I want bread.
Right, well, what the...?
I know... I just wondered why it was just Papa Dom's our bread, but I do want bread, but I don't want fancy bread. What I want is, do you know Jackson? Are you allowed to say actual names of things?
Feel free, yeah.
It's nice to know you've listened to some episodes.
Oh, no, I've listened to a lot of them. I just can't remember if they've...
Yeah, you can say, Brad.
You told us you listened to a lot of episodes.
Yeah, yeah. In a row, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah.
Can you just tell us what happened,
why you ended up listening to loads and loads?
Oh, yeah, you listened to quite a lot in a row, didn't you?
More than you were anticipating.
Yeah.
I got...
I got stuck behind a horse.
God, it was a night. It's not yet funny to me.
Do you know what I mean? This was only a few days ago.
It's bloody hot.
There's a very large wood where I live,
and I couldn't get past the horse.
And if I'd have taken
different turn off I would have had to have gone a long way around so I just I
just walked behind it hang on
this is the second time I'm hearing this story yeah and this is the first time
that I'm realizing you were on foot yeah I didn't didn't know that. I thought you were in a car
on a road behind a horse. I didn't know you were in
some enchanted woods
walking. That sounds magical Lucy.
Yeah. How do you get stuck behind
a horse on foot?
Well, I don't have a driver's
license so...
But can't...
Can't you walk around the horse?
I didn't want to scare it.
I thought, I was thinking she'll notice, because there was a woman on the horse.
I was thinking she'll notice me soon and she'll move to the side and let me go past but I didn't feel comfortable with trying to take over the horse
And she just didn't for absolutely ages it yeah, and so I listened to quite a few podcasts
So how long would you say you were slowly walking behind this horse? I think two hours
It's a really big wood. So plenty of room to maybe. Oh yeah
and then finally she noticed me and she moved to the side and she let me pass. I was like
thank god for that and then my shoelace came undone. I bent down to do it and just saw this fucking horse just go past.
And then, so it happened again.
It was behind the horse for ages.
She let me then again go past and a guy said,
come here Lucy.
So I went to him and the horse overtook me.
Hang on.
And he was talking to his dog.
He wasn't...
LAUGHTER
He said, I'm talking to my dog, love.
I mean, it's consistent with what happens in a Toby Carver, isn't it?
LAUGHTER
You hear Lucy like,
oh, it was, I was so annoyed when I got home.
I was like, it's just wasted my day.
And then I've got to pick my child up from school.
Like the whole day is gone.
I haven't got anything done.
Like just looking at this horse's arse.
How often would you say you're walking through the woods and someone back into you over and you immediately go over loose
Yeah, but in the area I live everyone, you know, like it's the nice people and I feel nice people in the
Lot people know my name and stuff, you know, well, that's what you thought
A lot of people know my name and stuff, you know. Well, that's what you thought.
It was edited.
Getting your autograph ready.
So what sort of bread was it?
You...
So, you know, there's a particular...
I want fairly cheap bread.
What I love, it goes back from being a kid...
You know Jackson's bread, have you had it?
It's a particular bread. You know Jackson's bread, if you add it, is a particular bread.
You know the first slice of bread you take out,
it's so soft, isn't it?
Like it'll whatever be that soft.
Like no other slice will be as fresh and soft.
You don't mean the end of the bread, right?
No, the actual, like when I was a kid,
I used to take that slice out and just rub it on my cheek
I
Was gonna ask because when you mind when you went that first loaf of bread is you went like this so soft
Yeah, so you as a kid you used to rub that first my cheek. Yeah
Yeah, just it but no other slice will be as fresh and soft as that first one that you take out
How did you know did you rub all the other slices of bread on your face?
I mean like when you go back the next day, it's already changing isn't it? Yeah
It's aging
And what I used to do I got in a really bad habit. It's the only time my mother's ever hit me
I got in a really bad habit. It's the only time my mother's ever hit me.
LAUGHTER
Here we go.
This will be the bit that gets cut out and reported by the Daily Mail.
LAUGHTER
No, not like just a little tap,
like not a proper hit, just a tap on the head.
Because what I really liked doing was, you know,
folding a slice of bread.
And you know where the crease is?
Like, eating that, that like biting that but
then putting it back so when my mum opened it was just like a hole you know
and she just was so angry I just couldn't help but do it. So you'd fold it, bite a hole
out the middle, unfold it and put it back in there. Would you do that with all the slices all the way down?
No, I'd maybe do it with a couple of them, but I just couldn't help myself.
It's just like...
Ended up like the very hungry caterpillar.
So, I mean, but you're in the dream restaurant now.
If you want, for your bread course, Jackson's Bread,
and you can just bite the middle out of all the slices, you're very welcome.
That'd be amazing
Is that okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no lay hands on you. Yeah
Thank you. You know, I would like to do, you know what I mean?
um
I'll say that but basically
I understand what you've described. Yes. Yeah, I haven't experienced it myself
But I understand you're saying that the first slice is really soft so you would rub it on your face I thought you understood that did that bring back a memory no I
Laughed for the same reason Ed pointed out that you went it so soft and as soon as you did that
I realized that you rubbed it on your face. Yeah, so I started laughing
She hit me as well once for...
Oh.
Twice now?
Yeah, it was twice.
You said it was the only time she ever hit me.
No, she remembered another time.
And...
It went hard, just like...
Little tap, yeah.
Like that.
We'd been learning about the Vikings, you know, at school,
doing a topic, and they showed us this video where the Vikings all had,
you know, a big banquet,
and they picked up them chicken drumsticks
and sort of like, ah, you know.
And then whilst they had the chicken in their mouth,
they picked up a goblet and drank.
And so my mum made me chicken drumsticks,
and I did the same at home and she hit me for...
She said, don't be so disgusting.
And she didn't understand that I was trying to be a Viking.
LAUGHTER
I remember that.
I know what you mean now. Do you?
I know exactly what you mean. They always show the Vikings doing that.
I don't know how they found that this has any
Basis in history that a Viking will take a bite of chicken normally and then with it still in their mouth
They'll sit beer or something and so it's all mixed in in their mouth
Yeah, I remember having that instincts as a child
Yeah, as an adult to be fair. I mean the Tudors actually not the Vikings
Tudors Tudors, not the Fikers. It's Tudors. But it's the same sort of thing isn't it?
It's all banquets. It's banqueting stuff. Yeah.
Do you want butter with your bread?
Well I would love butter but in a certain way I went to a restaurant in London and they, I tried to recreate it at home. God, it went so wrong.
But it was absolutely amazing. So they brought the bread over.
And then they brought over a candle, you know, in one of those little candle dishes, you know, like in Wee Wee Lee Winkie.
I know exactly what you're doing. Yeah.
I don't know what they're called, but you know what I mean.
You hook them in with your finger.
Yeah, like a candle holder.
But like a Victorian candle holder.
Yeah, as opposed to a modern candle holder.
Or a Tudor one.
They brought that over and it was like this amazing culinary experience
where they lit the candle and then I said,
have you got any butter to
go with the bread and he said and he pointed like that and the the the candle
was made out of butter and and as it melted all the melted butter ran into
the holder and then you dipped your bread into the hold and it was just like
I wanted to give a round of applause yeah
it's amazing it's good I've seen it in a few places now I think I mean I might be
wrong there's a restaurant called restaurant story in London where I think
that was it restaurant story yeah I think that was the first place to do it
as well yeah the thing I'd like to just dig into you said you tried to do it at
home yes oh don't worry mate I was looping back to that I thought I'd like to just dig into you said you tried to do it at home. Yes. Oh
Don't worry mate. I was looping back to that. I thought I'd do a quick bit of food chat. Sorry Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just just to keep the podcast on brief basement for a little bit. That'll be right. Yes
Oh, yeah, before we get to another story of
child abuse
It was the 90s, it was all that.
Yeah. So you tried to make a butter candle?
Oh, God, yeah. I tried several attempts at this bloody thing.
I bought some wicks off Amazon.
Oh, great.
I don't know how they did it, but I got butter,
and then I rolled it into a candle shape,
and then put the wick in, and then put it in the freezer.
It just never worked.
When you took it out, it just didn't work.
It didn't work.
The wick would fall out, or it wouldn't melt properly. It was't work. It didn't work. The wick would fall out or it wouldn't melt properly.
It was a nightmare.
And I couldn't get the proper shape either.
Now, I think the issue might be,
and I might be wrong about this,
I'm fairly sure at Restaurant Story,
I don't think it's butter.
I think they use lamb fat.
I think it might be animal fat rather than butter.
I might be wrong about that.
But that probably reacts better as a candle than butter does.
Also, they probably don't get their wicks off Amazon.
Oh, there you go. Benito sent a message.
It's beef fat. It's beef fat.
Oh, yeah. Kill one of them.
LAUGHTER
You're right.
Where do you get that from? Beef fat? Mm, cow.
LAUGHTER But, I mean, can you buy it, like, in the shop? Right. Where do you get that from? Beef fat? Cow.
But I mean, can you buy it? Yeah. In the shop?
I reckon so. We can get that on Amazon as well, actually.
Put it in. Probably can.
Oh, right. I'm not going to try that.
Are you sure? No, now I know it's beef fat.
Do you want that on your dream menu, though?
Do you want the beef fat candle? Well, yeah, but tell me it's butter.
OK. Thank you. I'll tell you whatever you need to hear
Your dream starter Lucy Bowman. Oh
sir
What I'd like, you know when you go to a posh restaurant and they give you like an amuse bouche
Well, I honestly sometimes think that's the best part of the meal. Yeah, so I'd like a starter
That's like the like a few little things,
because I really like real deep, savory flavor.
I really, really like gravy.
Oh!
No, respect.
What's happened?
LAUGHTER
What did I do? What did I say?
Nothing.
No, you're fine. You can relax.
You're absolutely fine.
No, we're very happy with your love of gravy.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
It's a troublemaker.
What's gone on? It was a troublemaker. What's gone on? It was a troublemaker.
I tried to suggest that the secret ingredient
that would get you kicked out of the restaurant should be gravy.
Ah!
We overruled it. It's not. We overruled it. It's not.
The booze... You should have heard the booze in here.
Oh, I bet.
Oh, it's Northern. Yeah.
No, but the thing is, since we've had an Atari government in power...
I can't even think what that cheers for. Yeah. You don't even know where this is going. She might be about to say the gravy's got much better.
No, that's... No, what I mean is, if you've noticed, gravy's got worse.
That's true.
That's what Andy Burnham says at his old campaign.
Yeah. The change of pace there almost made my neck snap.
That was... Yeah.
Bok-a-dum. Yeah, the change of pace there almost made my neck snap that was yeah
Now Lucy I'm not no fan of the Tory government myself, but I would be interested to hear how and why you think the gravy's got worse
under the current government because gravy's love and
No, hang on. Guys, this is the problem.
This is why the left's never going to get back on top if we keep just applauding platitudes
like Gravy's love.
This might fly in Toby Carver, Lucy. So Gravy's love and people don't care anymore
Who are we talking about specifically no because because we because we've been made to believe there's no such thing as society
right
Anymore yeah
with we've lost some important morals. Yeah. And one of them is making gravy.
In the good, in the good Blair years. Before.
There we go.
Before.
We're talking priorac.
Before we were, yeah.
Here we go.
In those ones where it made lots of...
Things can only get better, the election of new Labour.
There was lots of Shaw Start centres and the beginning ones.
Yeah.
The first few years, I can remember you'd go places and gravy was like nectar.
No, it was.
No, because it wasn't.
Now it's something, and it because now it's just pack it's just mostly packet gravy and
what they used to do is they made the gravy yeah get this weeks before they
made the Sunday dinner and just at home at home, I mean, anywhere you went.
Anywhere we went?
Anywhere you went.
Then the stock would be made weeks in advance.
Yeah.
And they would put...
Awful.
Not awful.
They...
They would put things in it that would condense down and down over time.
Yeah.
But now you're saying, because of the Tory government...
The Italians, right?
Okay, well...
No, the Italians still...
No, listen, when they... Oh, I'm listening. The Italians still...
No, listen, when they... Oh, I'm listening.
When they make a tomato sauce...
Yeah.
..they don't get it out of a packet.
No, famously left-wing government as well.
But I don't mean that's not political what I mean is that we
Grave we should we need to take pride in gravy again. Yeah, that's a good point to end on for sure
We do need to take pride in gravy again
Can't wait to see Lucy at the next pride march
Can't wait to see Lucy at the next pride march
On a gravy float so Lucy I
Hate to push you
Come on if it cut me do I not bleed I
Hate to push you 40 minutes in but what's your starter?
Jesus Christ is 40 minutes in. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Don't you be sorry.
No.
That gravy monologue...
Manifesto.
Manifesto.
I will...
Manifesto.
Manifesto.
The gravy manifesto.
The gravy manifesto.
I will...
CHEERING
Manifesto.
I get the feeling that when I'm very, very old and maybe I have dementia,
that will be one of the only things that I remember.
I'll be going, she said gravy was love.
Granddad's lost it.
Danny Rojas.
So you like...
Gravy is love. So you like amuse bouches and you like deep savory flavours.
Yeah, yeah.
Gravy's got worse under a Tory government.
What do you want for your starter?
I want little Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings, like this big,
but with cottage pie inside them, but a really intense, you know, like, where it's
almost like, well you know sometimes if you've ever had like an intense cottage
pie, where sometimes if it's done well, it's sort of like, a bit like, you know, at first, do you know what I mean?
It's how it gets on the roof of your mouth.
Hot or salty?
No, like umami, like intense.
An umami?
No, umami.
Yeah, the umami sausage, that other flavour.
The fifth flavour, yeah.
So I want...
Cottage pie.
Yeah, so that's what I'd like.
So you want... And they're that size, are they?
Yeah, they're really tiny.
I don't want to get too full in my starter,
but I want my taste buds to go in, you know?
So a little tight... See, I don't normally like Yorkshire puddings,
Lucy. I say on this podcast a lot, I'm not a Yorkshire pudding fan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but listen, wait up.
Wait up.
I think they've actually got better under the Tory government.
But my issue with them is they take up real estate on the plate.
But these little ones seem perfect.
I like them as little... They're almost like little tapas things,
little canapes, Yorkshire puddings, with cottage pie in them,
and I'm guessing a little bit of new Labour gravy.
Yorkshire puddings with cottage pie in them and I'm guessing a little bit of new Labour gravy. Yeah and then in some of them I'd like different soups.
On top of the cottage pie or are these just the little Yorkshire puddings with
different soups? Yeah different this is the problem you know when they say you
know when you say what's the soup of the day?
It's never what you want, is it?
You see soup of the day and in your head you pick
what it is and you think, oh, it's mushrooms.
I want mushroom soup and then you ask and it's parsnip
So I'd like a few this there's different soups that I really like and I'd like them
So I can have different I'd like a few soups
Good who wants one soup one type of?
soup most most people
So you got all these Yorkshire puddings with the cottage pie in them.
It's got a bit of...
Have you had that before?
Is that something you've had somewhere where they put the cottage pie
in the Yorkshire puddings?
And the soup, and then you also want
about the same size?
Yeah, please, yeah.
In the Yorkshire puddings again?
Yeah. Do you want to take us through the soups? I really like mushroom soup. Yeah.
Yeah. It's brilliant. So mushroom soup in one of them? Yeah. I had an incident.
Can I just check? I can't wait to hear but I'm just going to check because we're 44 minutes in.
Do you have an incident per soup?
No.
No, so just mushroom soup. I'd love to hear it.
Do you know during lockdown that...
You know that nice bit where everyone was dying but it was sunny.
I mean yeah I do know the bit you mean.
I'm gonna say if you say that in the future,
sunny should come after the nice bit
The nice bit where it was sunny, but unfortunately everyone was dying that's the order I do it
Well every morning I would open the curtains and I see on the lawn this little bird
And it was there every morning and I was like that and I'd go downstairs ago That little bird was there and then one day I looked and it wasn't moving a lot
And so I went onto the lawn. It was a mushroom
I don't know I'm gonna do I mean I
Would say
Obviously there's a lot to say about that
obviously there's a lot to say about that I think the fact that for days you must have come mushroom for a bird and talk to it is pretty big news went
downstairs every day when I saw the little bird yeah would tell we tell your
husband I saw the little bird again but I would also say that story doesn't need
the context of do you remember that bit in lockdown where everyone was I don't
think it needed that
I think we could have said that happened at any point didn't need to know it was a lockdown
I didn't think it needed like in the background
Just that knowledge that everyone was dying oh
God
So so the first soup is mushroom
Did you eat the mushroom that you thought was a bird? No, no poisonous couldn't it?
Do you like mushrooms? Yeah. Yeah, what they ever
What the other suits and
It's one I
Don't can't even tell you where I found the recipe from. I made it once and it was amazing.
I tried it again without the recipe
because I couldn't find it.
And then all it is is you make a red pepper soup
and then you make a yellow pepper soup.
And what you do in the bowl,
you pour them in at the same time and
then so one half is red and one half is yellow oh and as I say it was a try and
could never ever repeat it again. Couldn't find the recipe. I mean the
mess. So it didn't the second time it didn't
They didn't stay in there separate
No
So I would love if you could make me them the original yellow
Tiny tiny Yorkshire pudding.
Any other soups outside of those?
Just those two, yeah, yeah.
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A dream main course.
So, all I want, and I know this sounds like I've had some lovely meals.
I really have
It's the first time this blokes her the podcast
Well, I don't normally like genuinely cry on stage
This is the first time this is a time on tour that I am genuine. I don't even know why I'm crying
If the world doesn't make sense anymore head I had em on an airplane
Had it was meatloaf
mash green beans and then like a creamy gravy and it was the nicest meal I have ever had in my life.
It was and it was because it was in one of it was it had been left alone for a long time in in the
tray but it just was amazing.
Because what it reminded me of is when I was a-
Oh, don't go in there.
What the fuck's in there?
You're gonna bring out that mushroom
and it turns out it was a dead bird all along.
Don't make me weep, don't make me weep myself. Don't make me laugh.
Okay well turn this off. I'm not allowed to say anything.
I got, what, because it, what it was. So much stuff in there Lucy. What it reminded me of,
was this meatloaf is when I was a
kid we used to have a thing called penny duck. Does anyone remember penny duck?
Wow. Never before have I heard a comic say to Aspig an audience does anyone
remember whatever and fucking no one. One person there. Yep, I know Penny Duck.
Do you remember Penny Duck?
Are you saying Penny Duck?
Yeah, Fletcher's.
You're saying Penny Duck?
Penny Duck, yeah.
I don't know what Penny Duck is.
What is it?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, it is stuffing, isn't it? LAUGHTER
Yeah, it is stuffing, isn't it? So you're not sure, either? Stuffing or something?
No-one knows what penny duck is.
Yeah, like, meat and stuff it.
Like, so I've done a replica for you.
So you've made this at home.
But you said you didn't know what it was two seconds ago.
No, I mean, I don't know exactly what it was,
but I've tried to replicate the flavor at home
so you can know what I mean by. So this is like your. Basically the replica of the meatloaf I had
that tasted a bit like penny duck. Yeah. So Lucy what I'd say is this doesn't look like meatloaf.
Yeah thank you. No don't. at all. Can you do it? No
Can you take us through how you've made this penny duck
Do you shall I be honest? Yeah, I didn't have time so that's a vegan chicken nugget
So you thought my dream meal is meatloaf I had on a plane, which, but we haven't even got to the fact that sounds fucking disgusting yet.
You thought, but it reminded me of Penny Duck.
So I will recreate Penny Duck and then you didn't have time.
So rather than go, I just won't do that.
You brought us in a vegan
chicken nugget and put it in a cupcake case with a cat on a cocktail stick
got a witch over here brother because it but it but that it tastes a bit like the
meatloaf that there was reasoning behind and then so what I did bring you is a patty I made a patty and this I did actually really made a patty
Is a patty patty yeah says here Lucy the
Penny ducks are made of awful and off cuts of pork minced up and wrapped in a fatty membrane
That's penny duck oh it doesn't sound nice now does it that
It sounds like it was created as, like...
Cos duck was expensive meat.
It was created as a recreation of duck.
Yeah. Aw.
Um...
LAUGHTER
Now, Lucy, this patty...
..is a delicacy from Hull.
OK, it looks like a new potato that you've smashed up with a fork.
Yeah. No, it's...
A patty is, um, fried potato. No, it's... If Patty's fried potato...
Yeah, so I'm right...with sick.
And do you know what you have it with? What?
Chips.
Hang on.
You have fried potato with chips? Yeah.
What's a chip, Lucy?
A potato. Fried potato, yeah.
Yeah. Well, thank you for...
Well, actually, no.
LAUGHTER
You're not going to try it? No.
LAUGHTER
Oh. Oh. Feel free.
You are more than... You are more than welcome.
Do you want to try it, mate? Who said boo? Put your hand up.
Do you want it? You up for it?
You say you've had it before? You've had it before.
Put me the same case.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've got the vegan chicken nugget.
Oh, sorry, mate. I fell on the table. Hold on.
There you go, mate.
There you go. We don't want any food going to waste here.
You can have that.
You eat that.
That's not my fault what happens to that, man.
So your dream meal is this meatloaf, mash,
and green beans that you had on a plane.
And the reason you liked it is because it's been sat
in the tray for a long time.
It just was a taste sensation.
It was just...
It was the nicest thing I've ever had.
I think it helped that it was in one of those trays
and was almost sealed, you know.
But it was amazing.
Where were you getting a flight to?
Oh, gosh. Well, do you know, it was when I went to America was when we went I went to America. Yeah
I went to America. Yeah. He gave it one of these. Yeah. He said chef's kiss at you. He loves it.
Who does? Oh do you like it? No. He likes it. Thank you.
So you're flying to America?
Yeah.
And I think maybe flying back, and that's why it was meatloaf.
Yeah.
I would say plain food, sort of classically,
is the worst food.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And meatloaf on a plane sounds like the worst possible version of plain food.
So what was it about that you...
I know, I know it doesn't make sense, but it was just everything.
I must have been really hungry.
I think maybe...
Because I like, you know, the snack boxes you get.
I like eating high up.
LAUGHTER
I like them high up. LAUGHTER I like them as well.
You know, apparently, plain food, they put shitloads of salt in plain meals
because your taste buds are completely dulled when you're at a higher altitude.
Really?
Yes, you can actually taste way less when you're at a higher altitude.
That might be a good thing if you're not a good chef then, mightn't you?
You're saying this is your dream meal is... Yeah, because you should go by how you felt.
Yeah. How I felt. I felt that it was the best meal ever and I still haven't come close to it.
Was your husband with you at the time? No, I was the child.
The details that get left out are staggering. Every time the most important bit isn't in there. You're stuck behind a horse.
I was a child.
The first time I'd been a wait, no, so I was a teenager.
About 16. First time I'd been a broad, yeah.
But no, I do like everything.
There was once, I was coming back from Tenerife,
and I wanted, you know, one of the snack boxes,
and she wouldn't give me one because my card wouldn't work, you know, in the chip and
pin machine and I was getting really desperate because I was really hungry
because it was a four-hour flight and so I brought her over and I'm sorry to say
this to Ed, I said I'm diabetic.
And she gave me one, she bent down next to me and she said, why didn't you say something
before?
I thought I haven't thought of it then.
What was in the snack box?
Oh, you know the, there's some crap ones, but you know the nice ones where they've got
like a bit of hummus a bit of cheese
crackers a little bit of pickle
Yeah, none of those things would help in a in a diabetic. I know I know
She didn't know and but then I felt really bad because I think the air hostesses were googling me
So I had to ring my best friend Jackie and get her to go on my Wikipedia
No fuck off Lucy. What are you talking about?
Okay, so so this so this one's recent. I was imagining you were younger again. So I was like for me once
So clearly this is Lucy like as a teenager again coming back from Tenerife
But this is recently you lied about being diabetic on a plane. This is in February
about being diabetic on a plane? This is in February.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So you're worried that they were going to...
They would hear that you're a comedian,
they were going to look you up on Wikipedia,
and it wasn't going to say you were diabetic.
Yeah. So you got your friend Jackie
to say you were diabetic on Wikipedia.
Yeah. Yeah.
Obviously, I felt awful about it.
I think you over-thought that thought that one Lucy if I'm honest
Well, then she just I checked you know when I was waiting for my luggage
And I would look through all the Wikipedia and she just put at the end and she is diabetic
Citation needed
Wow your dream side dish well, I don't need one because I've got green beans and I've got mash.
Yeah.
Do you know what?
Totally fine.
Yeah.
Your dream drink?
I don't think James is enjoying himself.
Oh.
Trust me, he is.
I am enjoying myself. Oh, trust me he is. I have enjoyed myself a lot.
Trust me.
Your dream drink, Lucy Beaumont.
Is it, at the moat,
cause I go through stages like anyone I suppose.
We all go through stages.
Yeah.
We all go through stages,
talking to a mushroom, that's a stage.
With drink, do you go through stages with drink, like your drink of the month sort of thing?
Yeah, absolutely.
The problem with the drink of the month is you pick one before and then they tell you what the drink of the month is and it's not the one you want.
I call it drink de month.
Drink de month.
Drink of the month.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm pronouncing that wrong.
So at the moment it's a margarita.
I'd love a margarita.
I'm really into tequila.
I find you can have it in the morning.
No law against it.
Yeah.
Starting to explain that mushroom bird mix up now.
I've done that a couple of times, but you don't, it you feel alright you know. It's an upper isn't it? Yeah.
When were you having tequila in the morning? What was the? Just like if I had a
hangover you know I've only done it like twice. Yeah.
But yeah I'd love a margarita, please if that's all right salty rim
Sorry
Just not all
Not all just on one half half rim. Yeah, I've sold rim I. Places have only started doing that recently and I respect it
Yeah, the half rim because then you can just be like I'll have a bit of salt. No salt. Yeah, that's good
It's mad that this is turned back into a normal episode, isn't it?
I've got one salt in each sip and I find if it's just half I get through that and then I've all the salts gone
And I want it all the way around.
Oh dear?
Yeah, I want to do around the world.
But you can ask for that. You can ask for a full rim.
Okay, I'll have that.
Yeah, I'll have it. Full rim please.
Do you drink margaritas?
Yeah.
Do you?
Why is that surprising?
I can't see you with a margarita.
Can you not? What can't see you with a margarita. Can you not? Yeah, what do you see James with?
Well, definitely a beer, definitely red wine, even a whiskey.
But I just cannot see you drinking a margarita.
Can't picture me drinking a margarita.
Because you see him as sort of a man's man.
Just that I don't think, with like, it's a bit fussy, isn't it?
I don't see you as... I don't see you as fussy.
I like a margarita as well, Lucy. Is that surprising?
Yeah, I can tell you. OK, yeah, yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Is it interesting? Yeah.
Is that why you brought the tequilas with you?
Yeah.
I just love tequila. I just think it's amazing.
What type is this? Is this the type you like in particular?
Is it a Patron? It's a Patron, it's got a B on it.
That's what I brought back from Tenerife.
This came back with you in February?
I think so.
Hang on, what do you mean you think so? Where's this come from?
It might come from Spain, I can't remember one or the other.
Tenerife, Spain.
It's one or the other, man.
Shoot. Oh!
LAUGHTER
Lucy's had a bit of tequila.
I mean, yeah, fair enough.
I thought we were probably all going to do it together,
but just dove in over there like it's 7am.
Let's do it together, then. That is nice tequila as well actually. Let's do it together.
You ready? Oh I'm in too late. You two have already got a head start. Cheers. Tequila. Tequila.
That's very nice. Nice isn't it? That's very nice, yeah.
Where's the best margarita you've ever had?
Ooh, that's a question.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think it will be that.
I go on a lot of bottomless brunches now.
I've had a good, a really good one in York, actually.
Yeah. Bottomless brunch.
CHEERING
New York fans in?
There's some nice cocktail bars.
Yeah. Do you go on bottomless brunches?
Don't tend to, I'll be honest. No.
Who are you going on bottomless brunches with?
Other 40-year-old women.
I went on one bottomless brunch and we drank so much that I lost my eyesight
and the only reason that they let me go is because my legs gave way
and I woke up later in a taxi and I had a bit of cucumber on my shoulder
and I got home and John was still up and I said I'm so sorry
I said because I've lost my phone and I couldn't ring you and I was like, so you got to do bedtime
I'll lock up and he said Lucy. It's two o'clock in the afternoon
What you were going then. I thought that was it. I thought you were just going to get up, bow and then leave. That's a dream dessert I reckon. You're going to like this one James.
Oh good. I'm glad to hear that. I am more of a dessert person than like definitely then starters and
earlier on
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. My mind might be playing tricks on me. No, no, but earlier on you were like, I'm all about the starters
That's the best meal. I think you like savory flavors deep savory flavors. I love it. And now I do you're a different person
But if I had to pick, you know, sometimes like on a set menu
Yeah, starter and main or main and pudding. I would always pick main and pudding. Good on you
Yeah, so that proves it doesn't it?
We are proof be needed
We did a set menu today. Yeah
Carla Carla bistro today. It's very very good
It's an excellent restaurant, but you get this star remains desserts and we had to start remain both delicious so good
I'm looking at the desserts being like oh great. We can't wait for this dessert and then we and then we said oh
But we're in Manchester. We need to go to idle hands and get a slice of pie
Oh, but we're in Manchester. We need to go to idle hands and get a slice of pie
So we said we're not having dessert we said to the good people at Carla
We're not we're not having dessert here. So we won't need that on the set menu. We'll just pay and leave We're going to idle hands for pie and we arrived Lucy and they'd sold out a fucking pie. I
Have never seen him look sadder and he's done entire stand-up specials about being sad.
Oh what a shame.
It was so bad man, like all the desserts at that restaurant looked amazing on the, like
I was going to get chocolate oblivion, it looked so good.
But he, I was all excited because oblivion is also a rollercoaster.
Very quietly to himself he went went, chocolate's oblivion,
the world's first vertical drop dessert.
Did it to himself, or did they give it to himself?
I fucking wedgied him and flushed his head down the toilet.
Not having that on our tour.
And we're on our way, and we're telling Paul, our tour manager,
about idle hands.
Ah, here's all the different pies they do, the dessert pies.
You're going to love it, Paul. We got there, just's a little bit of paper saying no pies, sold out of pies.
What? But did they do other things?
Well they were pretty much sold out of everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But they were open, so you could go in but they didn't...
They said sorry, yeah, they were open. We could have got a coffee if we wanted.
Yeah.
That's it?
Yeah, and they were like, sorry, it's not school holidays, kids coming in here to eat all the pies.
But did they know who you are?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, this is what I said, and apparently you're not supposed to say that out loud.
But the problem is, even if they were like, oh, here come those boys who keep talking about the pies,
you can't just magic a pie up.
No, no, but they could have could if you'd have rang ahead.
What's so good about it, though?
Well, I've never had one.
And by the way, I'm so stroppy that the fact that they'd run out of pies,
and I'm very happy for them doing well as a business,
they'd run out of pies on this day.
I will never, ever have one now.
As a matter of principle...
Yes, that's just Ed's personality.
He was born that way. He can't help it. Correct
We'll never go. I love the banana cream pie the caramel custard pie. There's great the key lime pies
Yeah, just really just just their flavors are spot-on the other pastries delicious, you know
Doesn't distract from the pie. Also. I think pies were better under the coalition government.
LAUGHTER
What... What is it about sweet...?
Is it a thing about sweet stuff that you like?
Cos for me, it's, like, lots of texture.
Like, it's not just that I...
I'm not bothered about sweets or chocolates.
I like puddings that have got lots of textures.
Like what? Like a trifle?
Yeah, love a trifle. Those are different textures there. A viennetter. Yeah, lovely. You picked two
things with no different textures. Yeah they are. What are we talking about? Trifle's got tons of different textures.
Fucking trifle. Yeah. It's soft all the way down. Nah but like the sponge compared to the jelly. The sponge is soaked
in stuff so it's just literally this is cutting into a trifle
All the way down to the bottom if you if I blindfolded you now
Yeah, and I rubbed a sponge on your face and jelly some cream and some custard
You'd be able to tell what each of those was right? What do you like about sweet things?
Just the flavors have always made me happy. I love sugar, I guess.
This is a scientific experiment into what happens when three people have tequila.
The conversation has just gone fucking mad.
Oh yeah, we started out with a place of absolute sanity.
Sorry, I forgot earlier on when we listened to a fucking whole speech about how the Tories have ruined gravy.
And it was better than the Blair.
It's like a Frank Sidebottom song.
You'd think it would have been good under brown gravy.
But sadly not.
Oh dear.
We've not heard your dessert yet.
You've just asked me what I like about desserts.
I want a couple like about desserts.
I want a couple of little desserts. I really love it.
What's that?
There's a chain, isn't there?
What is it that they do your little desserts of each one?
This is just such a good idea.
So, my favourite dessert in the world, which is just...
A, it's misunderstood.
It's underrepresented.
You don't see it enough and it's the best pudding in the world is banoffee pie.
Yeah, banoffee pie is amazing.
I would say though, I think it's...
I see it quite a lot, banoffee not in my, I don't see it anywhere.
I tell you what you where you want to go.
Yeah.
We're going to idle.
They do it there.
They do it but not be fine.
Yeah, sometimes.
What do they put on top of it?
Cream from memory.
I like it when it's, I don't know what you might call it, but I call it miracle whip
Mm-hmm. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. All right. I don't like real cream. You like miracle whip
You know, you would like sort of chemically cream that you can yeah. Yeah, I get you. Yeah, that's what you would like
Yeah, then did you get the sorry did you get because you've just done taskmaster? Yeah
Did you get the banoffee pie on the catering at taskmaster?
because after James done Taskmaster. Yeah. Did you get the banoffee pie on the catering at Taskmaster? Because after James had done Taskmaster,
all you said to me was, oh, man, it's such a good show to do.
I was like, great.
I can't wait to hear about all the tasks
and how fun it is in the studio.
And at the studio, there'll be one day
where you get banoffee pie for dinner.
I've forgotten about that.
It's the absolute best.
And what I lied to you had the same catering company
And there's that that banoffee pie
And that's all I talked to David Mitchell about
In the green room was like you had this he was like, yes, it's great every week
Because you know that wagon wheels story dirty because I've been doing it in stand-up for like all my life
But like they might not have heard it you want to do it, but it is my favorite and Chuck
It is my favorite I love that because that's the same it's like chocolate and you know wafer jam
marshmallow chocolate
Wafer with biscuits. Sorry. Oh, yeah chocolate biscuit, you know wafer, jam, marshmallow, chocolate. Wafer? Well biscuit, sorry.
Oh yeah.
Chocolate biscuit, you know.
Yeah, just making it...
So I'd like a posh version of that.
I don't want the actual wagon wheel, but if you could do me a posh version of a wagon
wheel.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think some places do.
I think at T Bay services you're going to get a kind of poshish.
I think you can get a posh version of a wagon wheel. It's almost like a tonic's tea cake as well
Oh, maybe that's what I'm thinking. Yeah, it's good. Yeah, that's what I'd like, please
How would you like it posher? What makes it posher for you? And maybe and the chocolate could be better and
That bothered about the marshmallow the biscuits a bit. If the biscuit could be like crushed hobnobs,
it's a bit thicker.
That'd be good.
So you want little banoffee pie with miracle whip.
Yeah. And a posh wagon wheel.
Yeah. Anything else?
And then lots of ice creams, different types of ice creams,
with sprinkles. Let's hear these ice creams, because I of ice creams with sprinkles.
Let's hear these ice creams because I had to listen to soup and that annoyed me.
But let's listen to these ice creams.
Salted caramel.
Nice. Lovely.
Chocolate.
Raspberry ripple.
Yes, please.
And then just vanilla.
No, that's great.
Vanilla's a solid flavour.
I think people worry about it being too basic
But a nice vanilla ice cream is is up there James not happy
It's your dream and like if you want vanilla ice cream, that's fine. I love this smorgasbord of dessert
So who am I to complain at this point? But like yeah, I was getting ready for something crazy
What do you mean?
I don't know.
Like a, just a bit more of a flavourful...
What like?
Like a Ben and Jerry's flavour or something.
Like fish food.
Have you had that?
I think it's overrated.
Ooh, big talk.
Give me a cart door any day.
Fish food is...
Give me a cart door any day, that's what she said.
I mean, you like wagon
wheels. Fish food is like chunks of chocolate and marshmallow swirl and chocolate ice cream. It's
basically like a wagon wheel ice cream. But I think it's because it think it's branding? It's a bit... well, a bit misogynistic.
Yeah, actually.
I think it's because it's two older men
telling you it's good ice cream.
If it was called like Vicky and Pam,
I don't think people would like it as much.
You don't think it would have done as well if it was Vicky and Pam?
It's just massively... What... Carte d'Or is the best ice cream. I think people like it as much. You don't think it would have done as well if it was Vicky and Pam? Just massively, what,
Cart D'Or is the best ice cream.
Do you know what I like?
You know when you bring it home from the shop?
And then, you know when,
because I like, I don't drive,
so like I carry my shopping home.
Yeah, that ice cream must have been really melted
after you used to buy my horse.
That's what I like,
and I cannot put it in the fridge
without just getting my finger
and just going round, you know, melted bit back. Yeah, love it
Yeah, and that that's nicer than
Tom and Jerry
But you know if you got Ben and Jerry's yeah, and you walked that home from the supermarket
You would be able to do the same thing. It's not a smoothie. He's got all the like big. I don't like the fish in it
It's not a smoothie, he's got all the like, I don't like the fish in it.
Bits of chocolate? I don't think the ice cream is as nice, I think it goes quite bitty.
I'm just saying, I can't, Dory's so smooth.
You're here to give your opinions, Lucy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all respect them.
I'm going to read your dream menu back to you now.
Lucy, see how you feel about it.
You want still water with a wedge of lemon?
You would like to bite the middle slices out of a Jackson's loaf of bread with candle butter.
You would like little Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings filled with intense cottage pie.
And two different soups, which are mushroom and the half red pepper, half yellow pepper soup.
Main course, meatloaf with mashed green beans and creamy gravy on the airplane coming back from America side dish pass
Drink a margarita with a half salty rim dessert
But not be part of Miracle Whip a posh wagon wheel and salted caramel chocolate raspberry ripple and vanilla ice cream Lucy Bowman
Give it up once more for Lucy.
Lucy by one everybody.
Thank you so much Manchester.
You've been absolutely amazing.
Thanks so much for coming to the show.
Thank you for coming.
Bye bye.
There we are.
A classic.
I mean, you might, you might want to, you know, just after the show, you know, you're There we are, a classic.
I mean, you might want to, you know, just after that, listen to that, just sit in a
quiet room for about an hour and let your brain just kind of like get back to normal.
Yes.
Because otherwise you'd be thinking like Lucy all day.
I had to regularly in this episode for people who weren't there, I was laughing so much
and I was so confused that I had to keep standing up and running around the stage like I was in the audience
of Def Jam comedy.
Yes, it was like David Blaine had just showed Ed a magic trick on the street. Of course,
Lucy is currently on tour with The Trouble and Strife. So go to lucybomont.co.uk for
tickets.
And of course Lucy is doing a podcast with Sam Campbell, a previous live guest
on that tour of ours. Lucy and the Sam's Perfect Brains produced by Plosive. Yes.
So will you be editing it Benito? Benito will be delegating the editing to one of Benito's angels.
Yeah, I mean, if at some point during our podcast, we start referring
to a different producer and we've no longer got the great Benito, it's because Lucy and Sam's
perfect brains has broken him. Yeah. And he's had to quit the industry. Yes. Bye. Bye. Hi, I'm Lucy Beaumont.
And guess what? I'm Sam Campbell. If you enjoy, well, there's another podcast just coming
out. The podcast is out now.
Yeah. If people have enjoyed-menu will they enjoy Lucy
and Sam's perfect brains? I don't I don't know. There's there's a bit of a
crossover we talk about maybe you know a couple of food issues we talk about
cutlery and that's near food we reckon it's out now not soon it's now. Is it on
all the platforms? Oh it absolutely is if you like James and if you love Head, you might get a kick out of
this. But yeah again, no pressure. But yeah, this one is coming. This one's out now. Lucy and Sam's
perfect brands.