Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 239: Jessica Knappett (Live in London)
Episode Date: April 6, 2024Our two-night residency at the London Palladium begins with James’s Taskmaster cohort, Jessica Knappett! Follow Jess on Instagram and Twitter @jessicaknappett Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for S...torm Productions Group live at the London Palladium.Edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast that you're currently listening to.
I am on tour now. The show is called Hot Diggity Dog. Make sure you go and get yourself a ticket.
I'm probably coming to a town near you if you live in the UK and Ireland and Ireland,
Dublin and Belfast. Do go to Edgamble.co.uk, buy yourself a ticket and I'll see you for
an evening of Hot Diggity Dog.
Hot Diggity Dog!
Thank you, James.
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Oh, let me just check the calendar. What? It's Saturday!
Bonus! A bonus live episode of Off Menu from our
tour. This was the first night of our London Palladium residency, 19th November 2023.
Just another big old London venue residency for the Off Menu boys.
Honk honk. Palladium man. Now I think in the first half of this
show, there
were definitely loads of stuff that we said to them on the 19th of November 2023 in the
first half that, you know, won't make sense when we do callbacks to them in this thing.
I think it is though, maybe important that I don't know when we said it. It was probably
in the first half. Maybe it is in the second half. Yeah. But we did reference the fact
that Bruce Forsyth, ashes are yes underneath the stage
And I think that probably is I mean that's true. Yeah, that's not something we made up for a laugh
But it will come up. I think I think it definitely will come up and it's just good to know for the listener that
Also, it's a fun fact secret ingredient is key lime pie fun. Should I say fun fun?
No, it's the bread pies the secret ingredient the brilliant Jessica nappa
I mean, this was such an exciting
episode James. Jessica and I did a taskmaster together and I haven't been able to do anything
else with Jessica since then because she was living in LA. Yes. So I was very excited to
be reunited with the Nappet. Yes. My mum came to this one. Another fact for you. Ed's mum
is in the audience. Ed's in-laws are in the audience and in the first half, we were very rude. It was a very rude first half actually. My mum said after, I don't think she knew
Jess Nappitt, she'd not seen her before and she went, she was brilliant. Oh, lovely. I loved her,
she was fantastic. So there you episode with Jess Neffett.
Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking my own sourdough bread of conversation brackets
wanker, adding my grandmother's aubergine curry of humor, dickhead,
and another ingredient that I got suspicious about.
Professor Marston, Professor Marston.
Oh, brilliant.
Professor Marston's ribs of the internet.
Stupid fucking husband.
It's the Off Menu Podcast.
CHEERING
That is it, gabbels. My name is James A. Casso.
Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week we invite the guest. We ask them their favour, ever, start a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not
in that order.
And this week our guest is Jessica Knappett.
The wonderful Jessica Knappett.
We're very excited to have Jess on the podcast.
James, I've noticed that you've already puffed yourself out by the beginning.
I'm knackered, man beginning Yeah, so just slow down stop doing little tricks and moves that you've thought of notes
You should have been in busted man, that was incredible
We already know the secret ingredient we have planned the secret ingredient as you all know stop it
You're ill you're ill
Stop it.
You're ill. You are ill.
I'm excited. But the podcast...
But in a minute, you know in a minute, we're just gonna have to sit down
and you have all that energy riding...
You're getting all my steps in now.
Getting all your steps in?
Yeah.
How many steps do you think you've done?
Thousands.
Thousands of steps.
Well, let's get on with the podcast.
Please, welcome to the stage.
And...
This is the off menu menu of
No guests on the live tour has had this energy at the top
Yeah, I think all taskmaster fans would have been very worried as you got closer to the front of that stage.
Yeah, that's why you put my chair back here.
Yeah, right back here, thank you.
In the safe place.
One of my favourite things that I've ever been present at.
James, what are you doing?
Yeah, sorry.
What are you doing? Yeah, sorry.
I'm missing.
Yeah, you'll know what's happening, Jess.
I'll act surprised, shall I?
You can act surprised.
Would you like to rub the lamp?
Oh my god, yes.
Yes, well please feel free to get up and rub the lamp.
Okay, now.
Well, it'd be awkward if we left him in there for a long time.
I thought we could just have a little private chat.
Well, we can just have a chat, that's fine. He's got a good squat.
I actually, I've never rubbed a lamp before.
I don't know where to rub it from.
Interesting.
This area or the tip.
Have you seen the film Aladdin?
Yeah, but I... Do you remember Aladdin wanking the film Aladdin? Yeah, but I...
Do you remember Aladdin wanking the lamp up?
That was a detail they left out in my children's version.
I'm going to just go for a safe...
Is that disappointing if I go down here?
Oh, all right.
Dirty bastards. You bastard.
Welcome Jessica Duffin to the Dream Restaurant, but it's been you for some time.
Here he is. That's great. That's really, that's exactly how I imagined it to happen.
Yeah, pretty good, right? Yeah. Do you find it more or less disappointing that the lamp is massive?
Like if a genie burst out of a massive lamp, I think I'd be less impressed. Yeah, I would have
preferred, well, I'd have preferred a real lamp and a real genie to be honest. Yeah, because that's more
just like, what James is doing is more like a sort of genie themed stripper, isn't it really?
What? Oh, what?
Like, you know, that's the old trope of, like,
people bursting out of a big cake.
That feels like maybe a sort of Aladdin-themed stripper
you might hire for a party, for example.
Ed.
Are we using the lamp after the talk?
Not a stripper.
I know you're not a stripper, James.
Not a stripper. I know that is a thing
Isn't it strippers coming out of cakes? Yes, but I've never witnessed
The stripper come out the cake. I thought the cake is like some
stripper
Have you been to black pool
Just also very aware that
into Blackpool. Just also very aware that my wife is here tonight
with my in-laws and my mum.
And after the first half, she texted me saying,
have you seriously saved all the ass-fucking stuff
until our parents are here?
And then I've just introduced conversations about a stripper.
So I apologize.
Sorry.
I feel like it's my fault because I lowered
the tone with the tip talk
Right. Yes, but I think it is your fault
Anyway, so jet we've established that James isn't a stripper. No, he's just a genie. He's lovely. Just a lovely
I only time I've ever stripped ever in my life. Oh, yes
Only done it once and it was for Ed's in laws and his mom
And it was for Ed Zinbaugh's and his mum. It was my father-in-law's birthday.
Yeah, and they wanted it.
And they paid top dollar.
And they kept chanting, strip for me, genie boy.
And that's why they're here tonight?
That's why they're here tonight. They're here for round two, I guess
It's nice to have the end of the show planned out. Yeah get them sitting in these chairs. We will get up Yeah in laws your mom
And I'll come out the lamp
What are me and Jess doing in this scenario? Well, that's your problem man
throwing money
Yeah, it's right. Do you stripppers. It's horrible, isn't it?
But that is what you do, just throw money at them.
I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know.
Jess.
Are you a foodie, Jess?
Well, I love going out for dinner.
I love staying in for dinner.
And I love going out for dinner. I love staying in for dinner. And I love food, but I feel like if you call yourself
a foodie, it just sort of implies a bit of snobbery.
That you have a certain level of snobbery about food.
And I love food, but I love all the foods,
including, I'm gonna say it, McDonald's.
Whereas at, yeah, yes, someone just said over there.
And I love dirty food.
And I love really posh Michelin food as well.
You can see me getting a tasting menu down my neck.
I will do that.
That's what they say, isn't it?
Quite aggressive.
When they bring it as well, they go, get that down your neck.
I don't know why I have to say it so aggressively.
Get the funnel nap, it's here.
She'll want it down her neck.
I know there's 12 courses, but just blend them all up
Chuck it down a fucking neck
Does that answer the question? Yeah, I think so. I think you're saying if a food saying you're a foodie suggests that you just like fancy food
Whereas you like dirty food and you like fancy food and you like it all down your neck. Yes
If McDonald's did a tasting menu. Oh
This is great best question you've ever asked. I knew it as soon as I said it. This is this is the peak of my career
I mean, we already know that you would say yes, but you like tasting menus any of them at Donald's
But what would be say it's a 12-courser?
Yeah, we're gonna have to rattle through these
But I don't know if I could do 12 because I always just go for the same thing Oh, yeah, we're gonna have to rattle through these.
I don't know if I could do 12 because I always just go for the same thing.
Well, they'll all be. Oh, what's your standard order?
It's a quarter pound a meal.
It's a quarter pound of cheese meal.
Yeah. What the same person.
Yeah. Yeah, that's the best.
And I'm sorry.
I mean, I'm sorry to come on a food podcast and immediately talk about McDonald's.
That's horrendous.
But I recently took my daughter to one and my husband is a big foodie and actually I think that's part of the problem.
So he's very, very foodie.
Like he cooks and he makes meals that people talk about years later.
And you know, he'll be like...
For good reasons.
Yeah, like he'll make, he'll just...
We'll go camping and he'll have rocked up with a coat de berf.
And, you know, he has to deal with me and I love McDonald's
and he loves coat de berf.
We meet somewhere in the middle.
Yeah.
Which is like steak, I suppose.
A birth burger.
A birth burger.
I guess.
But I took my daughter, and actually the truth is,
as an experience, I'm sorry to say, it is amazing.
Like then to relive it through a child's eyes,
they've just got it right. And it's delicious.
Could you see her eyes change?
And it's the best restaurant.
In the world.
Look, we do talk about McDonald's now and again on this podcast.
It's a broadly positive chat, I think.
But no one's ever said it's the best restaurant.
I think Loli Adafope may have said it was the best restaurant.
I went out for quite a fancy dinner with one of my friends.
And we went to...
Yeah, it was a restaurant, shall I just say it,
it was a restaurant called Clipstone.
And the food was absolutely delicious.
Everything that came out was absolutely amazing.
Just tasting it.
And she said, you know why this is delicious?
And I said, why?
She said, because it tastes like a Big Mac.
LAUGHTER And that's the thing that from time to time, this is delicious and I said why she said because it tastes like a Big Mac and
that's the thing that from time to time maybe actually all good food just
reminds you of McDonald's. It's an interesting point Ches.
Might be right. I think I'm starting to answer the question am am I a fiend of you? Do you have a favorite branch of McDonald's?
Yeah, Geisley.
Geisley.
Yeah, because it's next to Hobby Craft where I go and take
my daughter ostensibly to buy her craft supplies,
but I actually just buy myself loads of felt tips
that I don't use.
Your daughter's going to have some lovely memories of her childhood
My mom used to take me to Hobbycraft of McDonald's
Yeah, what did she eat when when you took it to McDonald's a happy meal of course? Yeah
Yeah inside the happy meal. There's a tiny cheeseburger. Yeah chips
carrot sticks
They do that now.
Water.
What do kids need to be hydrated for?
Look, we're not interested in that bit.
It's about the cheeseburger. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I saw her face when she got the gherkin.
Ah!
She was so confused.
Did she like the gherkin?
No, but I saw her eat it and go, hmm, what was that?
And I know, give it a few years, she'll love that.
But I know that's kind of a contentious subject,
isn't it, gherkins?
Pro-gherkins?
Woo!
Anti-gherkins?
Woo!
You know what?
Yeah.
I love gherkins
Pro gherkin, I love gherkins pro gherkins fucking love gherkins. I respect McDonald's for sticking with the good Yeah, so, you know, they're the
Fast-food restaurant. They could just go why we bother putting this gherkins in they could be mainstream. Yeah
They're the REM of them. They stay punk, you know?
They stay alternative.
Like Nirvana.
Yeah.
If you talk to Ronald McDonald, he's like Kurt Cobain.
Yeah.
He's like, can't believe all these fucking mainstream jocks coming and eating our burgers.
I just wanted to make good stuff.
I love the gherkin man.
He's so good.
People take the gherkin out. That's disgusting
Just fucking get away from me. It's more disgusting to take the gherkin out
Yeah, this is disgusting yeah that is yeah
What you're doing put in a bunch of gherkins on a nap on a paper napkin on the side where we're all eating
But then you get their gherkin, don't you?
I'll take their gherkin
I still take their daughter's gherkin. That's fair enough. Well, yeah, you take their gherkin off their napkin
Yes, they go. They want the good kid. I'll go give it to me
Prick I have to go kids are these people you know, or just anyone in my anyone around the restaurant
And anyone is doing that. Yeah, I'll come along with my burger.
I think it's a shame that Heat magazine don't do Spotted anymore because...
Are they putting the gherkin directly on your burger, directly on the table or directly into your mouth?
It should go directly into the mouth really, shouldn't it, if we're really playing.
Yeah.
But, as I said to Ed's in- in laws you have to pay extra for that. Oh
Man they are gonna be hating this. Yes, your wife will hate it. Yes
We always start with still a spark Nuffitz. I know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, I know you do.
Because I listen to the podcast because I love it.
I love sparkling water, but we live in a country where we can drink tap water.
Yes.
Ooh, someone just did that.
Because we live in a country where we can drink tap water.
They're from another country.
They've traveled here specifically for this.
Fair enough.
You got us.
Having lived in a country for a bit
where you couldn't drink the tap water, it made me.
And that is America, by the way.
Really?
Absolutely ridiculous. Don't you think
that's ridiculous? You were in LA right? You can't drink the tap water in America.
Yeah, yeah that's out of order. That's the richest country in the world. Yeah, yeah.
You can't drink the tap water. So now I sort of make the make a point of drinking tap water. I also disapprove
of, although I am drinking it now, any still water in a bottle because I just think you've filled a
you filled a bottle with tap water is what you've done there. And then you've sold it.
That's a can.
I know.
That's a can that, Jeff.
I know you're hammered.
What do you mean you can't drink the tap water in America?
Because now I'm going back through all the times I've been to America and glugged all
the fucking tap water.
Because you lived in LA, we've been there.
Yeah.
We drank tap water.
Yeah, we definitely drank tap water.
No, but you...
I don't think...
I don't think so.
Pretty sure.
Is anyone here from LA who is? I don't think I don't think so
Pretty sure anyone here from LA who isn't my husband
you You can you can?
How long were you there for Jess?
Yes
Who told you you can't drink the time's because if someone else saying can't know
I'll just check it. Oh my god. Was it just my house?
No, no, I don't even think it was your house
I think you could I know we would like we know about Flint, Michigan
That's a you know, you know, where you obviously can't drink the tap water. It's a different color, but I think in LA
You can drink the tap water and who told you you can't
okay maybe it's just disgusting and that's what and that's why I stopped
drinking it mmm anyway the point is I don't know if we can just move past this
just the point that I would like to make is I love sparkling water and and
sparkling water there's a sense of occasion about it, isn't it? It's fancy.
And so I will order it,
but if I'm about to have a big meal,
I won't because I don't wanna fill myself up.
I know you think it is some sort of aperitif.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's you that's getting pointed at.
Oh, I don't think I've ever said
that sparkling water is an aperitif.
I heard you on this podcast say it's good digestively.
Well, I don't think I said it that fancily.
I think if you drink sparkling water,
it makes you do a big burp, and then you feel emptier.
Oh.
Well, now that sounds like a good thing.
But now, I'd normally go for tap water,
but I'll order tap water at my peril.
Yeah.
Well, why are you looking at me for the peril?
I think, I mean...
Because I've been giving out my time.
You don't have to have LA tap water, which you don't trust for some reason.
You can, if you like, have tap water from...
What's the best tap water you've ever had?
I mean, you grew up in Yorkshire, that's got good tap water. Yorkshire's got really good tap water from what's the best tap water you've ever had I mean you grew up in Yorkshire that's got good tap water. Yorkshire's got really good tap water so I'm
I am gonna have Yorkshire tap water because it's the best they bottle it
they sell it you hate it. Don't hate it I just think the water's too soft and when I
shower in Yorkshire it makes my hair go fluffy. Are you joking does that happen? Yes. You get fluffy hair from living in Yorkshire.
I get fluffy hair.
Yeah, not from living in Yorkshire.
I'm not suggesting that when I cross the county border that my hair goes fluffy.
You get fluffy hair from showering in Yorkshire.
Yeah, yeah.
That's what you're saying.
Yeah, you definitely do. I do.
Yeah, I get more volume to my hair the further north I go.
Have you?
You can literally...
That's why we got caught unhunted.
There he is.
They checked the CCTV.
I thought it was a hedge.
This is an absolute revelation.
The...
Have you ever... Sorry.
Have you ever been to Norfolk?
Because the water there is in some parts of Norfolk
so soft as to feel greasy to the touch.
See, but I know now how fucking gullible you are, Jess.
Because you've already been stopped from drinking tap water in the place you lived for years,
just from one person going, you can't drink that.
And you've gone, I will take that as gospel.
So now I'm worried you went to Norfolk and someone gave you a bowl of olive oil and said that's tap water. No, I got a very very greasy shower in Norfolk.
But was it the water or the shower? Were you in a like a dirty shower? Well James
who knows now. What was the circumstances? What were you doing in Norfolk? We were just staying at Steve's.
What were you doing in Norfolk? We were just staying at Steve's.
LAUGHTER
Yeah.
We were staying at Steve's for the weekend.
Greasy Steve's?
And Steve's shower was incredibly greasy.
Yeah.
And I couldn't make the soap sud.
Does anyone know?
Anyone with me?
LAUGHTER
But did you bring this up to Steve?
Did you say Steve?
You shower...
Steve, your water's greasy, man.
Yeah, did you say, is that a Norfolk thing?
Or did you just assume that must be Norfolk water?
Actually, we did talk about it a little bit.
Yeah, and I thought, because I genuinely
thought that I wasn't able to wash off the soap from my body.
That's what it felt like.
OK, so you had lavored up.
I don't want to sound like a perv.
It was a shower, James.
So you got soap on you, and then the water went on you,
and the soap just stayed still and didn't move.
Well, that's what it felt like.
But that wasn't what had happened.
What had actually happened was it was just the sensation
of a highly alkaline water.
So the soap washed away and was replaced with grease.
And you didn't fit, but it felt the same.
It's just a feeling. I mean, you know what soap feels like. It's just a feeling.
I mean, you know what soap feels like.
It's a pH thing.
So you know, you do that in chemistry, don't you?
I didn't learn about greasy showers in chemistry.
Not personally.
You know what alkaline feels like?
I don't know what alkaline feels like.
We're only on water!
Give us a cheer if you know what alkaline feels like.
That's for you people, mainly ladies actually.
Give me a cheer if you've had a shower in Norfolk.
Give me a cheer for those people.
Do you know what Jess is talking about?
Again it seems to be your personal experience once that you thought was just across the board But I do think absolutely I do feel like I'm getting a bit mad now, but but that's connected to
Because you it came from something you said.
About the soft hair.
Your hair feeling so fluffy.
I should have known when I said that they have soft water in Yorkshire
that makes my hair go fluffy, that you'd immediately go
out of shower in Norfolk, it was greasy.
They're all greasy there.
OK, I'm just going to drink some water for this.
Pop-dops or bread? Pop-dops or bread, Jessica Nappan?
Pop-dops or bread Jessica napping pop-ups or bread
That made me jump to be fair that time it's pleased with that one. Yeah, it's so easy actually. Oh, yeah
This this question. Yeah. Yeah
It obviously pops
No offense to bread.
No offense to bread.
Bread were here, it would say none taken.
Shout out to rosemary focaccia with sea salt.
Shout out to sliced white.
Covered in butter, served on the side of every meal in Yorkshire as a condiment.
That's nice.
Bread is a condiment in the North.
I didn't know that.
It's true.
Are you sure?
I'll tell you what else is a condiment.
Actually, if you go into a sandwich shop, you know like a proper sandwich shop.
Yeah.
Do you?
Well, I've not ever been to a fake one, but I also haven't heard of fake maple syrup until
tonight.
So, like what's...
I'm not talking about, I'm not talking about Pret.
I'm not talking about even Greg's.
I'm talking about the one, dare I say it, below that,
where it's like a BAP and you'll get your ham salads, your egg mayo, your chicken coronation,
you go in and they're all laid out behind the counter.
And the butter comes from a massive tub.
You've got butter and the question will be butter or marge, you know, do you want all
the salad, they'll say.
And what they mean by that,
does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, and they'll say mayo or salad cream.
And in Yorkshire and maybe other parts of the North,
if you say, yes, I want all the salad,
they will put a boiled egg in it.
Oh, lovely.
A whole boiled egg.
Because a boiled egg is a condiment also.
Will it be sliced or they'll just put a whole boiled egg? It'll be sliced, yeah, in an egg slicer.
You know in Norfolk when you go into one of those shops they say butter marge or tap water.
Also, just quickly,
this is something that I might have wrong here, but you said, just roll them back and I mean no one else noticed it, you said chicken coronation.
Now...
I call it, it might just be a cat thing.
Coronation chicken. I would think chicken coronation is a literal if a chicken became the monarch.
It's a spoiler for the next Aardman film.
Rounding off the trilogy? Yeah. It's a spoiler for the next Aardman film. Yeah.
Mounding off the trilogy?
No, it's... I'm going to stick with it.
Chicken coronation.
The chicken coronation, congratulations.
To the chicken, I guess.
Yeah.
But you're choosing poppadoms.
But, yeah, despite all that, and all that and also shout out to just like really
Garlic bread from the supermarket that you put in the oven.
Baguettes. Actually that
Okay, no, I do want to stick with Papa Dom's.
But you nearly went for garlic bread from the supermarket.
I just started thinking about it and it is just wonderful, isn't it, really?
But poppadoms, but specifically, poppadoms at the Sharma Bingley,
which is on the top of Safeway in 1998.
The stack of poppadoms will, the top one will be slightly oily because it's
the, it's come out first. Sorry we both thought the same joke and looked at each
other. We were gonna say it was from Norfolk. We have the same brain now.
Do you know what's upsetting is that I looked at you both nodding to each other and I genuinely thought they were looking at each other going,
it's good to have her on, isn't it?
We are also obviously thinking that, Jess.
Of course we're thinking that all the time, Jess.'t have to look at you to communicate that but no it was which one of us is going to mock
her first I'll let you take it James
yes the top one is covered in Norfolk water. And they're quite spicy with, I think,
some kind of fennel seed or something.
And obviously, they're served with all the pickles
and the chutneys, mixed pickle, lime pickle, mango chutney.
Why has everyone gone quiet?
Because they want to make sure they're on tenterhooks.
This is what they're here for.
This is the audience wrapped.
And that's the gist of it really, because it's just so delicious.
And do you know what I love?
In the mixed pickle when you get those big peas.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Do I know what you mean by big peas?
The peas in the pickle.
They're not peas though, are they?
Well, go on. They're not peas though, are they? Well, go on.
They're not like frozen peas.
They're not petit pois.
No, they're not petit pois.
Thanks for claiming that up.
A lot of people think it is petit pois in the dips.
No.
What are they then?
I don't know.
But they're the same peas that you sometimes get in Thai curries.
I thought they were petit pois.
I guess we have to... They're definitely not petit pois. They're harder.
I want to hear more about the Sharma Bingley on top of the Safeway in the 1990s.
I know that, you know, when people are like,
oh, if you could go back in time, where would you go?
Oh, I'd be, I'd go to the roaring 20s.
Or I'd go on the Titanic.
Actually, no one says they want to go on the Titanic.
Nobody.
Oh, I'd go on the Titanic.
Oh, the bubonic plague, please.
Let me be a pauper.
Right at the end.
Yeah.
Right at the end. Imagine someone who doesn't know what happened on the Titanic, gets a time machine.
I didn't watch to the end of the film, but it looked lovely on there.
I'm going to go back in time to the Titanic.
I want to go back in time to the Sharma Bingley 1998 because it was my favourite,
it was, it's, and it's food is all nostalgia for me, but on a Friday
night, not every Friday night, but you know, mum dad brother would say is curry
night, that was the happiest, sorry. Was it going to be in unison or would just one of you say it's curry night? When you said me, mum, dad, brother, we'd say it's curry night.
Yeah.
Is that all four of you saying it together at the same time or is that mum and dad saying it to you guys or like...
Did you all know instinctively that it was curry night?
Did you put your hands in the middle like Power Rangers?
Yeah.
Should we try it?
Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Imagine we try it? Yeah, yeah.
Fuck yeah.
Imagine if we went back in time now.
Ready?
Think about the Sharma Bingley.
Three, two, one.
It's curry night!
That felt good.
Yeah.
Wow.
Feels good.
It's a shame we can't have any curry now we've said that.
It was just a, it's just a happy memory.
Older brother, younger brother?
Older.
Older.
So you're the youngest in this scenario.
Yeah.
Going to Sharma Bingley.
So you're the little tyke.
You're looking up at everyone else.
You're excited that you're in the Sharma Bingley.
Yeah.
Wearing my green and purple because there was a time when
I could couple of years where I would only wear the colors green
and purple like Donatello
now so that's that's the image also I guess if we're gonna establish it your
Donatello this is a group of four that are going to the Shama thing.
Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Was there anyone in your family who you would consider to be a party dude? Yeah, who's the party dude out the free? There's gotta be a leader. Yeah
Party dude as my mom's the party dude. Wow Michael Angelo. My mom's Michael
I thought your brother have that in the bag. Yeah, I mean if your dad's not the leader of him and your brother than that
But who's the leader though? Because it's sort of two left of both sort of leaders. I thought Leonardo was the leader. No, it's Raphael.
Well, some of these just said Raphael.
Raphael's the leader.
Yeah.
What's Leonardo then? In the dynamic of the turtles.
Raphael's cool but rude.
Raphael's cool but rude.
So who's cool but rude?
That's my brother.
That's your brother.
So your mum?
Actually, he's not that cool. I spit, it was too much of a compliment.
So your dad's Leonardo.
And then what's the, my dad's the in a three-by-deaf left? No, you're your Donatello. You're only wore purple and green
Yeah, you're the nerd who makes all the machines what I'm not I mean, I know it's the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Yeah, yes, but I don't know what the personality of Donatello is. He's the nerds
He like makes all the machines and stuff.
He's the brain box, really.
Yeah.
All right, you just said that.
Yeah.
Yeah, but I'm beginning to think you're not Donatello.
I'm sorry.
I don't think you're the other three.
I'm OK with that, I think.
He might be a different character.
Anyway, guys, it's closed down now now and it's moved to another location and as has the Safeway
and there are no restaurants on top of that shopping center anymore and I just feel kind
of sad about it so I thought I'd share that. Did they move together?
Is it still on top of the Safeway but in a different location?
The Sharma? No, the whole that would be good though wouldn't it? I don't think there are even Is it still on top of the Safeway but in a different location?
No, the whole that would be good though, wouldn't it? I don't think there are even any Safeways anymore
It would be fun if they move to the same like same location as each other again, but swapped who's on top
Sharma got to be the main one and you got go up to the Safeway Yeah, it Yeah. It is as grotty as it sounds, like having to go up,
basically sort of like a fire escape.
So you don't go through the Safeway to get to the restaurant?
No, no, you go up.
You park in the Safeway car park.
And then you go up these kind of, and it was like a 19,
I guess like a 1950s shopping center type feel.
And then, and you go up these like pissed stained soaked steps and they'd be
like broken bottles in it but there's sometimes there'd be some hooligans on
the steps and you'd get up to the top and it's just like a flat roof with a
puddle and then the Shama would appear before you and it was just such a it was
paradise it was a sanctuary it was it was honestly such a... It was paradise. It was a sanctuary.
It was honestly heaven for me.
A sanctuary from the situation you'd put yourself in.
Finally, we're away from those horrible steps.
The hooligans. The hooligans.
The piss and the hooligans.
I think that would be it for me.
Respect for you and your family for making it to the restaurant.
I think as soon as I was on the steps, I'd be like,
fucking no way I'm going up there.
Honestly, it was the restaurant. I think as soon as I was on the steps, I'd be like, fuck, no way I'm going up there.
Honestly, it was worth it.
And also, it was one of those really old school
Indian restaurants with proper decor.
The Pops Dums came in like a silver tray with a doily.
Do you know what?
I know what a doily is.
I'm not sure if I would consider that old school
Indian restaurant, though.
But like, fair enough if it is.
You know, carpeted chairs as well yeah hang on what
I was with you I was with you all the way through the doily bit what do you
mean carpeted chairs I mean I can't really elaborate on that I think we
think you're saying that they'd carpeted the chairs. But that doesn't sound right. They were
upholstered. Okay. Okay. With carpet. It kind of looked like it, yeah. So that's
where I'm having my papadoms in the in the Shama Bingley. Absolutely. On an
upholstered carpeted chair. Do you want to be walking, do you want to walk up the
steps? Do you want that whole experience for the dream meal? Yeah. Yeah. I think
you've got to, right? Yeah. Because you want the reveal experience for the dream meal? Yeah. Yeah, I think you've got to right Yes, you want the reveal of the the reveal of yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do
Yeah, you've said it's curry night with your family. Yeah. Yeah, and then we were no we're talking about pop-doms
But I just just because you might like it as a detail. I would go
Absolutely hyper if I had those, you know, there's little sweets
They're like fennel seeds covered in sugar, like pink sugar, pink and white and yellow.
Yes, I do know the ones you mean, yeah.
E numbers.
Yeah.
And I would go mad and sort of like turn into a chicken and pretend to lay an egg and stuff.
And they knew that I would get, I would like go crazy with the restaurant stuff
No as well, it would happen when I got home
But they would give them to me in a little back
They were they were in a dish on the counter as you left. Yeah, and you could just dig in
Are we sure they were sweet?
well
But it's something happened to me
in the home, turning to be a chicken. Maybe not, but something happened to me.
I liked it.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
You're going around the house, it's my coronation.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I'm the queen.
I'm the queen chicken.
I'm the queen chicken.
Oh, thank you for taking me to the shaman, daddy.
Ha ha ha ha ha. Your dream starter Jessica. Okay
Can I have an amuse bouche?
May we if you know, you know huge respect to Jess for that. Yeah, she just bet she's hacking
She's hacking the menu. I am hacking a bit, but it's because I need to put crisps on the menu.
LAUGHTER
Look, it's not what it...
It's not what it... It's not...
It's happening over the top of their head, then.
It's not how it sounds. It's not how it's...
It's not what...
OK, I'm ready now for it to not be how it sounds.
OK.
Do you know how it sounds?
Sounds like crisps.
Yeah. Sounds like you want crisps on the menu.
I do want crisps on the menu, but it's not going to be just crisps.
OK.
No.
Although, if I go over to someone's house for a drink
and they've put some crisps out, thank you.
Because that's just the way.
I just think, thanks, actually.
It's just lovely, isn't it?
It is lovely.
When someone's just made an effort to pop
open a bag of crisps. Yeah. They just sort, they just, you feel at home don't you? You think, you
know, someone said to me I'm gonna put some snacks out because it makes it cosy. And I always remember it cozy. Who said that? What genius said that? Kate. What? Kate said that. Kate, okay.
Good old Kate for realising that. So the best starter I ever had, but I don't
think it was a starter, it was an Amuse Bouche and also that's what's so good
about it, it's a surprise. You didn't order it, it came anyway, like Kate's crisps.
This amuse bouche is creme fraiche, no sour cream.
With caviar on top.
Yes! And then just crisps around it.
And then you just, they're ready salted crisps that I think would be described as hand cooked
This is great. I only had this for the first time recently
Yeah, I've had it. Where have you had that? It's a wedding like the drinks before the meal started in that awkward bit of a wedding
Where it's like two to three hours where people are just drinking before anyone
Well, the photos are being all the photos and all that bullshit, right?
There's there was sour cream with caviar and Pringles.
There were ready salted Pringles and sour cream and chive Pringles.
Dipping in there, putting a bit of caviar on top.
It was mad, but I was into it.
It's so nice.
Yeah.
And did Kate serve you this?
Or am I mixing my stories up now?
No, no, no. I got this in a restaurant
disappointingly named the restaurant
But it's really nice. The foods great shame about the name anyway
Shout out. Thank you best starter ever bad namesaws. Anyways, that's my amuse-bouche if I may it's a great You may that is a great amuse-bouche starter, and I've been around the houses with this one,
I really have.
I've given it some thought.
I've gone from scallops to softshell crab.
I was going at one point with a pre-meat pasta,
because Italians do it right, don't they?
They have pasta as a starter.
Or a separate course.
Or just a whole separate course.
Which, by the way, Jess, some people on the podcast,
some guests have hacked the system
like you just did with your boots.
Yes.
We're adding in a pasta course as well.
Well, I'm not going to because it's
going to ruin something else if I do that.
But what I have decided is actually, when all is said
and done, the best starters, I think.
Do you think this is like just a minute or something?
I'm just obviously trying to think of an entertaining way to introduce it, but what I've actually
done is just slow it down
No, but you haven't actually at all. So I genuinely am on tenterhooks and quite excited about what this starter is
I just think the best starters are from Chinese takeaways
And so what I've gone with although I don't actually want it from a Chinese takeaway. Hmm. Oh what I know
It's just that's where I got my inspiration is sesame prawn toast
So good now, yes, definitely. Yeah, but I think that would have been a bigger applause
How do you some people are like sorry not from a Chinese take?
From Chinese takeaways, I want something specifically that as far as I'm aware
You can pretty much only get from a Chinese takeaway takeaway but you don't want it from a Chinese
takeaway. I can't remember where I had it from but I want it from I'm sorry but I want it
from a high-end Chinese restaurant okay I want like a really really well-made
prawn cocktail, prawn toast that is like what you get in a takeaway
but not as greasy.
It's good to have her on. Is it good to have me on?
I know what you mean I've had like posh prawn toast before I love I love takeaway prawn toast. I think it's amazing
It's always a treat, but sometimes you get it from a nicer place like a sit-down restaurant thick prawn
Yes, thick prawn and a bit more sort of garlicky
chili
sort of garlicky, chilly, mmm. I think maybe the sesame seeds will be black sesame seeds, not just white sesame.
And it just will look nicer.
It'll be kind of like puffed out.
A mound, mound of prawn.
Not like, and I also think this is delicious, but you know sometimes prawn toast can be
like fried bread that you get in Little Chef. No offense to fried bread from Little Chef. You're very
worried about offending bread this evening. Weird isn't it? But yes that's my
starter and the dip is something sweet and spicy you know like what like what
it comes with sort of a sweet chili sauce kind of deal one really enjoying about this menu
So far Jess. Oh my god
Things that are so specific
poppadoms from a specific restaurant above a Safeway in 1998 and
Then prawn toast from a nice place with black sesame seeds and then dip like what it comes with
Whatever whenever whatever sweet and spicy. I think I've just realised something.
I think I might be talking about Thai prawn toast.
OK.
Am I?
Because sweet chilli sauce, that's Thai, isn't it?
Yeah.
That feels.
Yeah, but it jumps around.
It does get about a bit, doesn't it?
I really love Asian flavours and extreme flavors and chili and salt and spicy
Crunchy all of that stuff. Yeah, we're getting less and less specific every time you say we've zoomed out to an entire continent now
Now we're just talking about crunchy more and more you're sounding more and more if I may say like an MP
Who's messed up and is defending themselves.
That was actually an attempt to be more specific.
Yes.
I won't do that again.
No, no, it's good.
My current favorite prawn toast is a vegan one that I try.
Like, I'm not, I should be a vegan.
We all should, but I'm not.
And there's a vegan place called Face in Heaven.
It's a very good Chinese restaurant.
Like proper, can't believe it's vegan.
And their prawn toast is really like almost gelatinous.
The whole thing is just like really juicy.
Cause it is just kind of gooey.
I actually tried to make, I made a prawn toast the other day
From it was actually a prawn taco and you get the prawns and you put them in the blender
with like spring onions and chili and
maybe some lime juice and you whiz it up and
then you just sort of spread it over the taco and then you cook it and then you flip it
and then you flip it back and you put some sesame seeds on it and it basically is a delicious prawn toast.
Sounds great. So more of that to come I suppose.
Well I think we'd all like to see this cooking show happen, Jess.
Where you sort of finish a recipe and go, so more of that to come, I suppose?
Everyone was sitting there just thinking, this sounds delicious, this sounds so tasty.
Wow, never thought about that before.
I'm glad Jess has gone into so much detail.
And at the end you went, yeah, it was fucking...
LAUGHTER
He just put it in the bin at the end. Yeah.
That sounds great, that taco.
Yeah, so... But I'm not going to put that in.
I do want it from a restaurant.
You want a super fancy, juicy prawn toast with black sesame seeds and a sweet chilli dip.
Yeah!
Now! You said yes like I just
come up with that for you. Yeah actually good idea Ed I will have that. I used to work in
a school as a classroom assistant and what? No go on. And one Christmas the kids in the
class that I was a classroom assistant for wanted to go for a Chinese meal for their
Christmas meal
So we took them to a Chinese restaurant and I ordered the prawn toast and one of the kids was like
Oh, do you like for on toast? Do you?
Alright, yeah, anyway, and then every day every time he saw me he just go
Every time you saw me respect that's one I want to like it was my name. I
Loved it. Yeah
Yeah, and then every now and again you check with me you go still like point us. Oh, yeah
You go great and then they want to go see the portals. Yeah
Good kid. Oh
Do you know what I like as well? Can I have something just to garnish my prawn toast?
Of course you can.
Crispy seaweed.
Yeah.
Hang on, not anymore.
I'm taking it back.
No way.
No way.
That's so good, isn't it?
Deep fried crispy seaweed.
There's some powder that they put on it.
Yeah.
I don't know what that is.
It's fishy.
Is it scallop? It's not MSG. It's not MSG. I think it it's fishy is it scott it's not it's
not a nice G it's like crab I think it's like crabby it's like powdered crab or
something does anyone know what that powder is it's not a nice thing first
instead MSG again they're doubling down on it they're pretty happy isn't it the
first time they said it it was like a friendly MSG and that time it was MSG
they are they do not like the fact you seen
that that you are calling them that you are not good but what what what what
what happened oh yeah I said scallop powder dry scallop I thought
scallop Jess I thought you were referring to the audience member I thought you
were like I thought you were gonna kick off and have a fight you see that shit I
don't I can't see there's a light? I can't see, there's a light there.
I can't see this area.
So when you're like, you fucking see that shit?
I thought the MSG person was looking at you going,
you're a fucking wanker.
You're an MSG mate.
It's MSG, fuck you.
You're sitting there, you're sitting there.
You fucking see that?
No, but if she says MSG one more fucking time.
No, but if she says MSG one more fucking time.
Your dream main course, Jessica. Yes.
Well, actually, it was...
I'm imagining being an actual waiter and I'm serving you.
What would you like for main course, madam?
Yes.
Yes. Yes.
I actually really don't like making decisions in restaurants.
I think that what should happen is, you know when you go to a really fancy restaurant and
it's a tasting menu and they're like, I'm an amazing chef, so you're going to have this,
this, and this because I'm amazing and that's what I make.
Right?
And it takes all the hell out of it for you because they're just giving you all the things
that they're good at.
I just think other restaurants should do that more.
Where there's like less choice in the menu and they just go, are you a chef?
Yes.
Right.
Cook me something nice.
But it's good that you're checking that they're a chef first. Maybe there's like these two things that I don't like, don't make that, but
otherwise just bring me some nice food please. What are the two things you don't like?
Yeah, it's slightly more demanding the second time around, isn't it? You wouldn't go,
like if I was cooking someone dinner, I wouldn't say come over to my house, here's 25 things, which one do you want?
Because then we'd spend the entire evening discussing the 25 things and then they'd decide.
No, because that's a rude thing to do and I honestly think it's quite rude. Especially when you're confronted with a massive menu.
And then the worst thing is when they go,
it's small plates, two to three, we recommend two to three.
And then, so what I've actually taken to doing recently,
and I did it this week, and my friends know me for this now.
Just order everything on the menu.
By the menu. If it's small plates and they go
we recommend you share, okay we'll have everything then. It's a big move. But you
count them and usually it's the right number. Yeah, usually. Sometimes it's a bit
excessive and they go, just the bills, 500 pounds. I love that you've chosen to go to
this restaurant.
You've not done any research into it.
They've explained what the concept is,
and you've gone, just fucking bring me everything, then.
I guarantee you it's better that way,
because otherwise people go, oh, I'll get the three tortellini,
and we'll divide it by six, and we'll...
You can have that. I hate that.
I am sort of fed up with it.
This is a specific London thing.
Almost every restaurant you go to now, they go,
have you been to the restaurant before?
And you go, no.
And they go, can we just explain our concept?
I know what the concept is.
It's small plates.
It's two to three per person.
You're going to bring them.
It's not really going to be enough.
And it's going to be 500 pounds.
That's because you don't order everything on the menu.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The new man.
Try ordering everything. So OK, I sound like a bit of a twat now, but I do like to do that because it takes
the stress out of it because I don't...
Okay, I do go to the restaurant for the food, but I go for the chats with my mates as well.
That's more important really. I mean it goes without
saying that the food's going to be good because it's been made by a chef. For this podcast it
does not go without saying. No. We do need to say about the food. Okay main course, main course,
it's Jude Knappett's pasta bake. Oh right yeah you don't know Jude Nappet. We can have a guess. That's my mum.
Yeah. And it is basically... Could we refer to her by her proper name please? Jude. Leonardo.
Leonardo. Actually she's Michelangelo isn't she? Oh yeah she's Michelangelo, your mum. So what it's actually called, your mum's Michelangelo.
What it actually is, is in our house we call it bastard cake.
And the reason, the reason it's called bastard cake is because my sister-in-law is...
So can I just, the swerve from when I go to
the restaurant I just order everything on the menu to well we call it
bastard cake. My dream is bastard cake. Definitely I wouldn't have guessed where
we were going from the builder. What's your dream main course? Well here's my problem with main
courses. They come over they ask you what you want there's too much choice I just
like to do the whole menu kind of what is it? Oh, it's Jude nap. It's bastard cake
Why is it called bastard cake because
My sister-in-law is Australian and we said when she came over we're making pasta bake and
Everyone's so clever you totally made the leap.
I'm going to say this, and I don't know, surely some other people got it first time
round.
I, as soon as you said bastard cake, I was like, because it sounds like pasta bake, and
I am absolutely astounded how many of you, including Ed, just got it.
I just thought it was a Yorkshire thing.
I honestly thought like Jess's dad was carrying a cake one day and dropped it.
He went, it's a bastard cake.
No, it was a lovely mishearing.
And now that is its new moniker.
Bastard cake.
So, and it is delicious.
She makes the bolognese very slowly.
And over the course of a day, as far as I can tell, it's...
LAUGHTER
Why is it day funny?
I think it's as far as I can tell that they will laugh at me.
As far as I can tell, you're trying to figure out how a bastard cake is made, but Jude
Knappett's playing her cards close to the vest.
You can't quite figure out if it's a day or a number of days of making this.
You're doing a stakeout on Jude Knappett.
Trying to work out.
Pun intended.
As far as you can tell.
Yeah. As far as you can tell. Yeah. As far as you can tell.
Well, I don't hang around and watch her.
I just eat it at the end when she's made it for me.
There's no way of finding out how long it takes, I guess.
I think I could ask.
Right.
So it's like a gar- it's very garlicky.
Oh.
A clue.
Garlicky, obviously beefy. Yeah. There's bacon in the bolognese. Lovely. And rosemary I think, as far as I can tell.
And it's made with ideally quite thick macaroni, fat macaroni. Fat macaroni.
Fat bastard.
Fat bastard, yeah.
From Austin Powers.
What is it called?
It's not penne, but it's the rigatoni, I think.
Yeah.
And that's the best version.
And then the best part of it is bechamel sauce on top.
Am I describing every pasta bake because it
feels special to me? I don't know actually, I've never made one so I don't know.
It sounds like a sheetless lasagna. Yes it is. And without the, well I want to say without the
labour intensity but it takes a day to make the bolognese. As far as you can tell.
You don't know.
When you are going to have bastard cake,
do you and all your family chant bastard cake together?
Yeah.
Do you look at each other and go, bastard cake?
Bastard cake.
Bastard, obviously, not bastard.
Yes.
I said that because you said that.
It turns you posh.
But the thing about bastard cake is it's always there for us.
I don't know why I wasn't expecting you to suddenly look at me then.
It's, I mean, you know, like family gatherings, it'll be the first thing, they'll be a,
like if we're all going up to my mum and dad's house, there will be a bastard cake on arrival.
On arrival? Yeah, it's there. No wonder you don't know how long it takes to make it
Yeah, do you ever think about arriving arriving in the morning to try and catch your mom off guard?
Honestly, it will already be there Wow. Yeah, and it's massive
So last year I had a Christmas party and my mum turned up with a bastard cake.
We were like, we've actually already got catering in mum, but thank you very much.
But she was absolutely right because midnight rolled around and everyone was starving and hammered and we shoved the bastard cake in, didn't we?
Bastard cake was the first thing I had when I brought my baby home from
hospital. My husband made me a bastard cake because I've been bastard diabetic
throughout bastard pregnancy. Oh I'm so sorry you had to live with that for nine
months.
Well you're cured, you'll get a bastard cake. It's a real bastard, yeah.
Did you think it was odd bringing your new child home and celebrating with bastard cake?
No.
A new bastard in the world!
Something out of Game of Thrones.
Your husband made the bastard cake.
Yeah, he made it.
He got the recipe off my mum, so I guess we could ask him.
Again, I'd say as far as you can tell, it's...
So your husband made bastard cake.
Did it taste as good as Jude Knappett's bastard cake?
Yeah, it was pretty good.
It's pretty up there.
He's a good cook.
Yeah.
But yeah, we'll always knock together a bastard cake.
Actually, if you want to know, we've sort of hacked the hell of
family cooking, which is that we have pretty much the same meal on the same
day every week. Yes. I'd say you've created a new hell. Okay, so tell me honestly if
this sounds like hell, and I don't mind if the if the answer is yes macaroni Monday
You just said it like you hate it
That was actually
Smug Jess. Oh, sorry. Is this fat macaroni Monday or just normal macaroni? You can have it. No, it's little macaroni
I can cheese. Yeah mac and cheese macaroni Monday are they all going to be alliterative? We tried.
Taco Tuesday. Yeah, obviously. A lot of Taco Tuesday, that's great. Yeah. What do you think Wednesday is?
Oh, walnut whips.
That's what you'd have in your house. Yeah, walnut whip Wednesday. I'd go, it's a literative, what can we do?
Wednesday, Wednesday?
No.
No?
It sounds like Wednesday.
Does anyone want to have a guess?
Wings.
Wings.
Wings or Wellington.
Wings is a great shout.
Have you not thought about wings?
No.
Someone suggested Wellington.
And someone said Wellington.
A Wellington every week would be a real... That's very labour intensive, a Wellington. A Wellington every week would be a real...
That's very labour intensive, a Wellington.
A Wellington a week.
Wine.
It's actually wedges.
I don't know why Smug Jess is back.
Smug Jess appears to live in an American bar.
It's actually wedges
cheese
tacos
Have an American husband. Yeah. Yeah, we sort of do live in American
pool and stuff
To keep their first days was no, yes
Yes, you must keep going must keep going. We've got wedge Wednesday. So you have wedges every Wednesday
Yeah, yeah, it's sort of like we'll have
Like a meat thing. Well basically we basically just have like meat and see veg
But me meat and veg and wedge meat and veg and wedge. Yeah
So it doesn't know wedges don't constitute the whole meal. No, but wedges will make an appearance
Yeah, we know that the wedge is gonna make
James you don't understand until you have to cook for
like But James, you don't understand until you have to cook for like people that don't really eat, you know, a six-year-old and a one-year-old.
It's destroyed cooking for me.
I mean, no offense to them.
All bread.
But you can't just, it's so hard to think, like, you know, you've been working all day and you just the hardest part is
Thinking what shall I make for tea? Yeah, but that's I guess my point would be
Maybe make the main bit of the meal the bit that repeats every week. Yeah, I'm not the side
Cuz you won't be a little it's if James
Because you won't be a literative James
Decide what you cook every every Wednesday on you. Yeah Wednesdays actually when Wednesdays come around it's
It is it's not great wing. Could you could you bring in wings? Maybe we were going to win some wedges wings and wedges every Wednesday
That's actually a really good idea. Thank you. Mm-hmm. How's the one-year-old going to deal with wings? Yeah.
I feel like, in Jetta's defence, you really set her up there.
You talked her into wings and then you went,
ha-ha, I got you, motherfucker.
There's a one-year-old in play. You forgot that?
I was just thinking, I don't know about one-year-olds,
but I can't imagine a one-year-old eating a wing.
I can't imagine that. Rotating him.
No, we're going to be peeling the meat off the wing. Actually, she doesn't eat chicken.
No.
Tricky.
What's Thursday?
Thursday, I'm interested to see if you've
gone for a T sound or an F sound here.
F?
Well, because Thursday sounds like, sorry,
said out loud.
When you say it, yeah.
Said out loud.
I hate to tell you this.
It doesn't sound like that at all.
Thursday?
Yeah, you say Thursday wrong.
Thursday?
Yeah.
Thursday.
Thursday night?
Thursday.
Thursday.
Okay, a TH noise then?
Yeah.
Sorry.
Well, yeah, okay.
Well, I don't feel like that is being pinnacoty.
It just does start with a PH.
Well, technically there's an R at the end of bastard.
Oh no, shit, is that the end?
Well, I can't get you on that.
You're saying it right, bastard.
He's wrong.
It's Thin Cross Thursday, okay?
It's Thin Cross Thursday.
That's great, Thin Cross Thursday's great. Sorry, James, Thin Crust Thursday, okay? It's Thin Crust Thursday. It's Thin Crust Thursday, yeah. That's great, Thin Crust Thursday's great.
Sorry, James, Thin Crust Thursday.
Thin Crust, I would say Thin Crust Thursday.
Yeah, I know you would.
So we're sticking with the bar food, aren't we?
Not on Fish Friday.
Fish Friday, that's very traditional, that's great.
Yeah, that is traditional.
Is it fish and chips?
Which sometimes it will be, yeah.
Yeah, ever go Fish and wedges on Wednesday,
and then fish and wedges on Friday?
Well, yeah, sometimes that has hit us.
Pfft.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Saturday and Sunday got their dishes, by the way?
No, we just go loosey goosey.
Just free it up.
Just have some fun.
Don't plan.
See what happens.
Yeah.
That doesn't sound fun to you at all.
Someone's going to Hobbycraft.
I think you want some felt tips, don't you?
No, mother.
The last week I want nothing that's what you want.
They felt tip Friday yesterday.
God.
What a sad life.
I really feel like that was such an embarrassing overshare
But is there anyone in this room who understands what it's like to be a parent having to decide what to cook
Okay, like three people I think more people than that I think it's, I think loads of people. Yeah, it's ruined it.
You've ruined every meal in your house for the rest of the time.
It does ruin it, it does for a bit. Unless you all cook different things, that's the problem.
Also, we don't have Deliveroo.
Hang on. So you don't have it as in you've banned it or you don't have it?
We don't have Deliveroo in our neighbourhood.
Oh my god. I bet, well, let's bear in mind.
Okay.
Jess used to live in LA and thought you couldn't drink the water.
Yeah.
So.
We're going to ask you where you live now and you're going to say central London.
I live in Yorkshire.
I live in Ilkley.
There's no Deliveroo there at all.
No, there's a thing called Pronto.
And there are really good restaurants.
I don't know why that's made me laugh.
Why, it's funny because it's a stupid name.
LAUGHTER
Um, Pronto.
There are genuinely amazing restaurants,
even in our little town.
There is a really nice restaurant, a Michelin restaurant.
There's some really, really good Italian,
like some of the best Italian I've had outside of Italy.
I really mean that, it's amazing.
But that is kind of it.
There's no, you can't really get anything, so you can't be lazy.
And that's, I guess that's my pain that I wanted to share.
But I'm okay, I live with that. I just hope that people see the Jess who once did have delivery
and they don't see the Jess after delivery
and make a judgement about her.
Because I'm still me.
Your dream side dish, Jess?
Well, it's we're going back to China. Your dream side dish, Jess?
Well, it's, we're going back to China.
Because shout out to...
You've seen that film, right?
Back to China, when you were in France.
Michael J. Fox.
I love...
Back to China.
I love Szechuan Chinese food.
Nice. Very specifically.
And I nearly had that as my main course because of the...
Because I also think that fried chicken might be the best food in the world.
Yeah. So I was going to do, like, you know, the...
You know, do you know the chicken that you get on a bed of chillies in Szechuan restaurants?
Szechuan style. Yeah.
And the weird peppercorns in your mouth goes on them.
Yeah, I love that.
I love it so much.
I love that.
I got to see James experience that for the first time.
Yeah, what, your tongue getting anesthetized?
No, no one had warned me.
Isn't it weird?
And it goes so numb.
And I was like, I don't want to say anything.
So I was eating it and thinking oh no I'm dying
And
Luckily we were with our friend John Robbins who it was also the first time for him, but John will just confidently say guys I
Think that maybe all this food is covered in washing up liquid. I
Think was his guess yes
He thought something he thought they'd like washed up and left the washing up liquid. I think it was his guess. He thought something, he thought they had like washed up
and left the washing up liquid on all the cutlery.
But in a nice way.
And now his mouth is like, I think I've just eaten something
from the kitchen that we're not supposed to eat
because I can't feel my tongue.
And I was like, oh God, you said that John,
I can't feel it either.
And then obviously...
You were just lapping this up loving it not saying anything
Yeah, well, we were also with Lloyd Langford, but he is so well. She always sounds like his tongue's numb anyway
Whatever he eats his tongue's like what the fuck is going on?
so
After you had this experience, and you didn't enjoy it. I love this time. Oh, right
Once he realized he wasn't in peril. He loved it right once that gave me permission. I loved it. First time. Oh, right. Once he realized he wasn't in peril, he loved it.
Right.
Once they gave me permission, I loved it.
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Let's start that again.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Have you talked about having Seshwan Saturdays?
Oh.
Where?
I mean, I guess your house.
Ha ha ha ha.
I have tried to make mapo tofu
Mmm, it was really hard but it and I you just I just can't quite get it right
And we've got Szechuan peppercorns and the all the the chili peppers and everything which we ordered off sous chef
What if you familiar with sous chef, I love it so much and the sous chef order comes
in. Oh my God. Also, are you familiar with chili crunch? Yeah. Oh boy. You're not? No.
You've had chili crunch, like the oil with like bits of chili, spoon it out. Yeah, I think it's sesame seeds and crunchy chillies.
Yeah.
In oil, maybe a bit of garlic in there.
Yeah, I love it.
And you just drizzle it on with a spoon.
It's not like an oil in a bottle, it's an oil in a jar.
It's not really an oil.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, there's oil in it, but there's loads of stuff in there as well.
You can drizzle it on, or you can do what I do, which is stand up in the kitchen and
eat it like a yog it's good shit yeah
that's that's my flavor of choice at the moment that's going on everything anyway
yes it's green beans it's green beans it's it's Szechuan green beans which
have a kind of minced pork on top of them nice and they are delicious
a bit of a murmur there was a murmur for minced pork on the beans are they not is that rock
that sounds right that's right like mapo tofu is minced as well isn't it yeah yeah that's
delicious and they're all of those Szechuan chilies as well it'll sort of go with the with
the bastard cake it's hard isn't it to pair something with a bastard cake?
Do you want to call them bitch beans to make them go better?
Sure.
Son of a bitch beans.
You happy with that prawn taste?
It really works for him.
It really does.
Seats me.
It's gone weird, hasn't it?
No, it's because James is really enjoying leaving gaps for you to try and fill and I can see what he's doing
He's doing it deliberately because I look by now he would have asked for dream drink from anyone else
But he's really enjoying leaving the silence to hang in the air just to see what you'll fill it with
Yes, I feel like I am like I'm
interviewing like I don't know like even a a politician or a celebrity who's on the verge
of getting cancelled.
And that if I leave gaps, they will go somewhere crazy.
Yeah.
And then I'll have clickbait on my hands.
So I'm like thinking, if I just leave it at bitch beans,
what would Jess say?
OK.
You've rumbled me.
Yeah.
Well, now I'm trying to think of a bitch bean related story.
Brilliant.
Ha ha.
Jess, just I'll be the good cop here.
You don't need a bitch bean related story.
Because do remember, bitch beans is something that we've invented just now.
Okay.
Are you trying to tell me that I'm enough as I am?
Yeah, that's what this whole episode's been about.
Your dream drink, Jessica Nappett.
I love so many dream drinks.
But that's not the point, is it?
It's to choose one.
No, it is the point.
It's nice that you have so many dream drinks.
If you want to give some honorable munchings,
you gave a lot of shout outs to different breads earlier.
Feel free to give a shout out,
because no offense to the other drinks, of course.
Yeah, I don't want to offend any of the other drinks.
Give them some shout-outs.
I never shouted out the bread that I've been making.
No.
Is anyone else doing Zoe?
LAUGHTER
Yes, but don't tell the wine.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Good stuff. Good stuff.
The thing is, you're a great comedian and everyone's like,
James is so interesting, he does like new types of comedy, but that is what you're good at.
Proper comedy.
Or musical stuff.
Musical stuff, it's just a bit sexist, but in a fun way.
Yeah, well, most sexism is fun. Yeah
No, I've ended I'm nobody's clickbait now, so
Zoe are you talking about the patch in your arm that tells you how your body reacts to different foods? So you can then change your diet based on
The spike in the blood sugar levels that you get from certain foods. Tell me Jess. Did you miss being diabetic?
Because I'm fucking fed up of this is oh shit these fake-ass diabetics
Is it is stealing the thunder of the diabetic?
I'm not suggesting that I have any thunder from being diabetic
But it's quite it's quite difficult to maintain a blood sugar level as a diabetic and I would argue that as a non-diabetic
You don't need a zoe patch because you have what I like to call a working fucking pancreas
I agree with it because I'm an ally
Are you doing Zoe the thing is that
As someone who had gestational diabetes... I don't have gestational diabetes.
No.
Is that when it's just in your hands?
That is fucking brilliant. Oh, that was so nice.
That is fucking brilliant.
I've got some diabetic gigs I can book you for with that sort of stuff, man.
I've got 10 seconds of material.
Go down the storm.
I don't think the catering will be what you're normally excited for, but...
Yes, you have had gestational diabetes.
No, there's no point now, is there?
That's as good as it's going to get.
But you are doing, are you doing Zoe?
Well, because there's a thing where it's like,
if did you get the diabetes because you are a bit more prone to it
and then you're going to get it or, you know, did you get it and it's gone forever?
You know, there is, was it the pregnancy that made you a bit diabetic?
Were you always...
Can you stop gesturing to me when you ask about pregnancy?
Not pregnant.
It's just the way I'm sat.
Ha ha ha.
Anyway, I was curious and I did it,
and it did say I've got bad blood sugar, poor blood sugar.
Right, based on what you're eating?
Based on, yes, but even, like, I don't, despite what I've just described,
I don't actually just go to McDonald's all the time, only some of the time.
And I think I am quite a healthy eater, generally, but what I've realised is,
there's loads of stuff that I thought was healthy that isn't,
and I now don't eat it as much because of that.
But bread is one of them. Yes, bread will spike blood sugar levels. that I thought was healthy that isn't and I now don't eat it as much because of that but
Bread is one of them. Yes bread will spike blood sugar levels. Yeah, so
There's this amazing bread. Oh god. Yeah, I cannot believe I'm talking about this actually please
Especially during the drink course
This is a regressive shout out. You've gone back now. We've gone back to China and back to bread. It's just that it's really, it really has been a revelation and I love it so much.
The bread you've made. The bread is, it's made out of seeds and it's only made out it's it's just seeds said and James it's just nice to be
included i guess it's seeds it's psyllium husk chia seed he played Oppenheimer didn't he
what is it it's the fuck is this is this the spirit of Brucey?
His ashes are down there. If you're wondering what the joke is.
Four-Sides Ashes are under the stage.
Did you not know that? Bruce Four-S's ass is under this stage. What? Yeah. That is true.
People don't know that. You can Google that. Yeah, that's true. That is true.
Yes, really. Keep it safe. They were put there by the quest. It's not how he died. It wasn't trapped under the...
He was burnt to death. I didn't hear that. From the stage at the London Palladium. Fucking let me out!
That didn't happen.
He died, he was cremated, and he wanted to be under the stage of the Palladium. He was a man of lots.
So that's why I'm coming up with this.
That's why James is on good form.
Absolutely brilliant gear right now.
So, seeds, psyllium husks.
Yeah, look, anyway, let's just crack on, shall we?
OK.
But seeds and psyllium husk and cheers, and tah on shall we okay but it's seeds and
psyllium husk and she's eating tahini and water and it's delicious and you know
if you can't eat bread I can
because you can inject yes yeah it's more difficult it pregnancy makes it
more difficult because you've got to keep your blood sugar levels very very
tight and low right yeah but for me like I can afford now and again to inject for for bread and things like that yeah because I can't stress
this enough I am NOT with child right it it's a spicy margarita your dream dessert
James
Oh, no
Whoa whoa whoa, not you not you Jeff
The whole series of a TV show together.
You...
What?
No, no, no. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out.
It's no offence to puddings.
No offence to puddings, the ultimate insult.
It's no offense to puddings.
I think James has taken some offense on their behalf.
Jess, I'm absolutely loving this.
You crack on.
This is my favorite episode of the tour.
Okay, it's just that.
Hear me out, James.
He's gone. Come back. Okay, it's just that. Hear me out, James. He's gone.
Come back.
James, come back.
James.
He's gone.
We've just had a message from Benito saying he's gone.
So you just...
He's behind you.
That was good stuff.
I feel like he might have gone down to see Bruce.
Yeah. He's rubbing the urn going, tell me it'll be all right, Bruce.
If he let me finish, okay, what I'm going to say about it is, and this is my final word
on the matter.
I'm not sure it will be, Jess, Because he will come back on at some point.
Okay, should I wait? He's not coming back.
No, no, no, I think I know when he's gonna come back on,
but you're going to have to say the magic words.
Okay, so the problem with desserts for me is
they are nice, but they only have one flavor.
The flavor is sweet.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean I can't...
They're sugary. Sugary is a great flavour.
I'm not saying they're not delicious.
I am saying they're delicious because they are delicious.
But it is one flavour.
But sweet is one flavour and they all taste the same.
You are right.
Except there is one pudding that is stand out for me.
Yeah. You know what I want you to do now porn. And in my dream restaurant.
I went for a piss.
The angriest piss of all time.
In the dream restaurant, the pudding
happens before the cheese trolley.
How do you feel about that James?
But the pudding is happening before and then Jess is ending on the cheese trolley. Yeah, is that right? Yeah
I've got a record saying that's fine. It's always there's a problem
You got on record saying it's fine to have the cheese course and then the pudding
So I just wonder what it would be like the other way around for you
You're not gonna have the cheese course and then the pudding
would be like the other way round for you. You're not gonna have the cheese course and then the pudding.
I have done that.
Who's done that?
Those are people who have done that.
It's like a bridge.
The French.
The French.
Nobody does that.
The French.
Although, do you know, the Americans have cheese first.
Do they?
Yeah.
Cheese first.
Do they really, though?
Or just one house you went to.
And in Norfolk, theyved the cheese up their ass
You had to eat it out of the host's ass
Steve
That was Steve's greasy ass and he'd washed it he told me he'd washed it that's why it was so greasy
Can't wait to see you chat to your in-laws after this.
What's this dessert?
Okay, look, if this dessert isn't on the menu, then I don't order a dessert.
Okay.
And I will order the cheese, James.
But for your dream.
But it's the dream restaurant, so the dessert is there, it is present and it's sticky toffee pudding.
Fantastic. Beautiful.
And it's served with ice cream, obviously, because hot and cold together is such a great combo.
Can you think of other places in life where hot and cold is a great combo?
Saunas!
And then when you get out of the sauna!
Love it. Love it.
Yeah, saunas and then when you get out of the sauna.
You?
Can I think of one?
I guess, I mean, I'm not the one who made the statement, but yes.
I would say, ooh, it's actually quite hard to think of maybe a jacuzzi.
And when you get out of the jacuzzi.
So Sticky Toby Pudding, definitely that's like a crowd pleaser.
That's a fan favourite, as you heard there.
I mean, you can't really go wrong, can you?
I don't think so, no.
I'm buying it regularly from, there's like a Northern Brown, I think they're kind of
trying to claim that they invented it in Lancashire, and there a there's a town called Carmel sorry Cartmel Cartmel yeah yeah I think
Apologies apologies no no no offense to Lancashire no offense to Lancashire but
you didn't invent the sticky toffee pudding that was Cumbria. Because that's where the cartmell is.
Cartmell.
That's where cartmell is.
It's in the lakes.
Yes.
Have you been buying sticky toffee pudding from Cartmell?
No, I've been buying it from the supermarket.
It says Cart-mel on it.
On it.
It's Cart-mel.
Yeah, and it's really, that is a really good one.
Yeah.
I've been dropping a lot of brands tonight, actually,
haven't I? Cart-mel, Hobbycraft. McDonald's. McDonald's. Yeah, I've been dropping a lot of brands tonight actually have an eye Cartmel Hobbycraft
McDonald's Donald's. Yeah all the big brands
How often you haven't sticky toffee pudding? Well, yeah
Yeah
Stp my husband is a feeder actually a bit. Yeah, just
They'll be a couple in the freezer now. I know they will yeah, it sounds like he's a serial killer
There'll be a couple in there. I mean of a couple in the first two peas
Yeah, they're just waiting to go any one time really now some people might afford that and it's fine now
You're past that yeah, you've done a dessert, but the secret ingredient for tonight
fine now, you've done a dessert, but the secret ingredient for tonight that was suggested by the audience was a key lime pie because you said on taskmaster that you make those. So some people might have thought that you would enjoy key lime pie but you're saying no, only sticky toffee puddings.
Well, I do enjoy... I see what you're doing.
What?
What?
You're trying to make me say it and then you can boot me off dramatically.
I mean, we literally just told you that it was the secret ingredient.
I don't see how that's a trick.
Yeah, well, I've searched you out.
No, you would have to put it on your menu for it to be...
Oh, right.
Yeah, you can say it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's fine.
Yeah, I suppose...
I mean, you know...
Do you know what?
If at this point you do choose it, you have no one to blame but yourself.
That is not us tricking you.
Yeah.
It is delicious, but I'm not going to put it on my...
No, I'm not going to be stupid.
I'm not going to it on my I'm no I'm not gonna be stupid sticky toffee pudding I'm gonna leave of my own will I
Want to be set to light?
Bury me under this
It's so poetic hmm bury. Bury me under the stage at the Palatine, actually.
He's not buried here.
He's not buried here, no.
You don't go downstairs and it's the corpse of Bruce Forsythe.
Laying in the state.
In the state, like Stalin.
Yeah, in that position.
Yeah.
That would not be nice to see to see nice. Okay then. And you want a
cheese board after that. Very rarely does the guest try and end the episode. OK, then. OK, then.
Sometimes that happens, but we edit it out.
Yes.
It's hard to edit it out when it's in front of the audience.
They will have to just see that sometimes guests turn to us
and go, yeah, all right.
I think you two have done enough now of whatever the fuck this is.
And you want the cheese board after.
Trolley. Not happy with the trolley? It's a lot more cheese, isn't it?
But you just want to choose it from the trolley
From the trolley. Yeah, what would you choose? What cheese would you choose?
Definitely something blue still turn a Yorkshire blue. Maybe
There's also gonna be something soft
camembert or brie
There's also going to be something soft, camembert-y or burr-y. And something hard, like, you know, a manchego, a comte, a pecorino.
Lovely.
That's what I'd definitely go for.
I really like salty blue cheese with sweet biscuits.
I'm going to read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.
You would like Yorkshire tap water.
You would like a stack of spicy pop-dums from the Sharma Bingley in 1998 with all the dips
on an upholstered carpeted chair.
You want an amuse-bouche of sour cream with caviar and crisps.
Start, you want prawn toast with black sesame seeds from a high-end Chinese restaurant or
Italian restaurant with a sweet and spicy dip plus some crispy seaweed. Main course you want bastard cake, Jude
Nappin. Side dish, Szechuan style green beans with minced pork. Drink a spicy
margarita. Dessert, a sticky toffee pudding with ice cream followed by a
cheese trolley. Happy? So happy. APPLAUSE
The off-menu menu of Jessica Knappett!
Jessica Knappett!
Thank you very much London Plymouth!
Jessica Knappett, everybody!
Thank you so much for coming!
You've been brilliant!
Safe journey home!
Goodnight!
APPLAUSE
MUSIC PLAYS Well there we are, what a way to kick off a residency at the Palladium, James.
And Jess did text me after the show and said her husband has told her that it was only
her house where they couldn't drink the water.
Yes, so she got that wrong.
She got that wrong.
She got, I just never knew that when she was living in LA, that you could drink the water
there.
I think if I was under a massive misapprehension or I'd assumed something for ages without
asking someone, the place I'd least like to find out is on stage at the Palladium.
Yeah.
In front of a sold out crowd.
A sold out crowd.
Thank you so much, Jess.
And hey, we'll be back soon with another B-B-B-Bonus episode. Next week from the B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B Hi, I'm Lucy Beaumont.
And guess what?
I'm Sam Gamble.
If you enjoy, well, there's another podcast just coming out.
Oh, the podcast is out now.
Yeah.
If people have enjoyed Off Menu, will they enjoy Lucy and Sam's
perfect brains? I don't I don't know. There's there's a bit of crossover we
talk about maybe you know a couple of food issues we talk about cutlery and
that's near food we reckon it's out now not soon it's now. Is it on all the
platforms? Oh it absolutely is if you like James and if you love head you
might get a kick out of this.
But yeah, again, no pressure. But yeah, this one is coming. This one's out now.
Lucy and Sam's Perfect Braids.